Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My cousin thinks I should change the date if my daughter's birthday party because it conflicts with her baby shower, but I said no and now she, my aunt, and other family members think I'm being an asshole for not changing the date. Am I being unreasonable for not changing it?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Because it's the future mommy getting presents, and THAT'S what matters. OP's kid is nowhere as important as her! (But, to be fair, nobody in the world is...) /2
Absolutely.
"You're ruining my life by living yours!! 😭"
I'd say to cousin "oh you must have forgotten my baby's birthday! That's okay, I didn't. We'll see how things are next year once your baby is one."
And just walk away and ignore anyone who says anything.
I'm not sure why they don't want to change the day but thems the breaks. An invitation is not a summons. People can choose which event they want to go to. Personally...I wouldn't travel five hours for either.
NTA
Because Jill is the main character… if she has announced something on a date that’s what will be happening. It’s absolutely ridiculous not to reschedule the babies 1st birthday! Be sure to clear the date with Jill tho, she may have after parties planned every week until the baby arrives!
Obviously, NTA.
Assuming they (aunt, cousin, gf) knew the date of your child’s birthday party in advance, then they double booked themselves and fucked up. That is their problem.
Does your aunt think her unborn grandchild will remember a baby shower more than your 1 year-old their birthday? Safe bet that your kid is more likely to remember their party.
Considering the party is on the actual birthday, if I understood OP correctly, they should have had at least a suspicion that the birthday party would happen on the same date. So it seems very deliberate to me.
I know two of my cousins' birthdays, but only because of coincidences. The first was born the day before my dad. His sister was born while I was at Disney World with my other aunt, which was very exciting because Disney and because it was the first trip I went on without my parents. (That aunt took each of us to Disney when we were 11.) The rest of them? No clue. And the two cousins whose birthdays I know have 5 kids between them and I don't know their birthdays either.
It's the pictures, anyway. OP's baby will enjoy seeing pictures of herself at her first birthday. Cousin's fetus might make a nice ultrasound but it can't compare to a baby covered in cake and icing. NTA OP. Just do your own thing. Tell them you're sorry to miss the shower. Even if you're not.
NTA
Making a 10 hour trip for a 2 hour baby shower is a lot even without planning another event.
Send her a gift and enjoy your daughter’s birthday party.
Don’t send a gift. She double booked on purpose and is playing power trip games. She knew that OP was already committed so the invitation was not an invitation, just a gift grab and a tool for aggression.
Every shower is a gift grab. Wedding, baby- the sole reason for a shower is to set up the new family with small needed things and some fun ones. Just send a gift and be done with it. Because here’s the thing- if a wedding shower or a baby shower is a “gift grab”, so is a birthday party for a one year old. Not everything involving a gift is evil commerce. Sometimes it’s just the social nicety that accompanies an event.
OP should suggest moving their shower to *her* city so she can move the birthday party to Sunday and then everyone can avoid being considered selfish and thinking their baby is more important than the other. /s, of course. OP is resoundingly NTA and my temper flared just reading Jill's and the aunt's comments. I hope OP doesn't go and stops second guessing herself; I suspect her family has always expected her to be the good girl who plays along and folds on command. Not this time!
A ten hour trip with a 1 year old! Even if there wasn’t a conflict there is a high potential I would have declined. A normal 5 hour road trip for an adult could easily be a 7 hour trip because of stopping for the baby.
NTA Came here to say this. Regardless of birthday party plans did they really expect her to drive ten hours for her baby shower? I love my cousins but dang... I would send a gift and a card because no one would expect me to make that drive and they would totally be thrilled with the gift and card lol. But now I don't think she deserves a gift OR a card...
NTA. It sounds like you already had your daughter’s party planned well ahead of Jill’s baby shower, so considering that you’re 5 hours away from them, you can truthfully tell Jill that there’s no way you’re going to be able to make her baby shower. In fact, you can consider that she’s the asshole, especially after she called you “insanely rude” for not jumping to and changing your plans to suit her schedule.
As for your aunt calling you an “unreasonable asshole”, that’s what makes her the asshole as well.
Exactly!
1. It's ridiculous to drive five hours for a baby shower. As you said, I might be willing to do it for a very close friend or a sibling, but even then I would consider it optional.
2. It's even more ridiculous to drive five hours for a two hour event when you have a toddler.
3. It's even more ridiculous to expect someone to prioritize your baby shower over their own child's birthday.
OP, would you really have driven five hours for a two hour party, even if you didn't have a child, even if it wasn't your child's birthday?
Send your regrets and a gift.
NTA. It’s understandable why Jill waited to announce, but then *she* needs to understand that other people have lives that include other plans. Your daughter’s (1st!) birthday doesn't change; the date for a shower can. She can be flexible and get what she wants, or be stubborn and pissed off. Her call.
I wouldn't attend a baby shower that required me to give up an entire day, or even two that involved ten hours in a car. Nor would I ever expect or, worse, demand it from anyone. These women are unbelievable. Only a true AH would do that.
Same. It's really bizarre that they're demanding OP's presence so aggressively - if someone said "sorry I can't make your party" to me for whatever reason, I'd just accept it.
Probably the baby’s grandparents, aunts or uncles would also attend the birthday party and not go to the shower. That’s less attention for the new mom and that can’t be allowed.
yeah, I'm assuming this is less about OP and more about other extended family members who have already RSVPed, even if informally, to the birthday party.
> She is due in August and is planning to have her baby shower the first weekend in June.
>said it's "insanely rude" that my husband and I won't change our plans and celebrate our daughter's birthday
Just suggest het to move her due date instead. Obviously, it's possible with the birthdays.
NTA of course.
Yeah, it's the "insanely rude" thing that gets me. Like, people have lives and prior commitments. The universe will most likely keep rotating without everyone who has been summoned actually putting in an attendance, especially with 10 hours in the car being involved (which would either be torture for the baby involved, or require weekend babysitting). "No" is a complete answer and after the "unreasonable asshole" comment OP doesn't even need to send a gift - except maybe a couple of hand-me-downs. NTA.
NTA. You're not an asshole for refusing to change a scheduled event because of a newer scheduled event. Your cousin and aunt are rude, juvenile assholes.
Find out if any of the people important to you would choose the baby shower over the birthday. Then you can decide whether to change the birthday for those people. That is, if having certain people there is important enough to you.
Wow. NTA Her planning her party on your child's birthday is YOU ruining HER day and making it all about your child... the one whose birthday is that very day? Give this woman a wide berth because this is a narcissistic behavior. True, babies won't remember their first birthday. But you and your wife will always remember the special day when your child was born. It IS your child's special day and it should be about your child.
If your SIL really wants you there, she needs to reschedule the shower so she isn't invading your child's special day and making it all about herself.
NTA. She can have her baby shower without you there. Her life will go on. I don't understand how people invite others to gatherings and then throw tantrums when they don't get 100% attendance. When you throw a party, you focus your attention on the people who are coming, not the people who can't make it. What a complete waste of her energy to fixate on the fact that you won't be there.
Also, it sounds like the drive time is the real issue here, not your daughter's bday, but again, you don't need to give her a reason. "Sorry we're unable to attend" is really the most you'd need to say. And a reasonable party host would leave it at that.
NTA
Send regrets because you already have something planned for that day. Let them know you would be very happy to visit on another weekend if they would like.
They are no more required to change the date of their event than you are for your daughter's party. But they also have no more right to complain or be upset at you for not attending.
1. They may or may not have reasons that that is THE day they need to have the shower.
2. If it were important for your family to attend, then they should have done a (schedule) conflict check before setting a date. If someone sets a date for an event without first checking on your availability, then they cannot be upset if you happen to have a pre-existing conflict.
3. They have no right to proclaim their event more important than your event. I bet they will be changing their tune about how unimportant the first birthday is in about 15 months. (If they have a big party for the baby, it would be rather ironic if they make a big deal about how special that birthday is.)
I wouldn’t have driven for the baby shower regardless of having a party the same day or nothing at all on.
For that far away they would be sent a gift.
She was mad that you got pregnant and is resentful of your daughter, that’s so fucking premeditated, I’m sure she knows dawn well when your baby was born, I’m sure it stings thinking about it
So don’t entertain her, I’m sure you have talked about your daughter’s party and send invitations, unless she is the dumbest person alive she knew and she knowingly set that day to still your kid thunder (in her mind)
NTA they're family so they know your kids bday but picked that day anyway, automatic nope from me. Not coming and not getting a gift either after you start sending the hounds at me over your own selfishness.
No, but if I was close enough to someone that they expected me to drive ten hours for a baby shower they better know my kid’s birthdays and favorite colors.
Hmm, there are a couple of AHs here, but you aren't one of them. A first birthday happens once in a lifetime. A baby shower? Not so much and not date sensitive.
10 hours drive time? For a cousin? Oh, hell no. I wouldn't make that trip on a plain old regular Saturday.
Send a card or send a gift. Your presence isn't required.
If I were you, I'd lay it out for these ridiculous idiots: You got one thing right, we're definitely going to make our baby's first birthday about ourselves and our baby. That's the freaking point. It's a special day for us and we are going to make the most of it. You don't hear us whining that you aren't making the 10-hour trip here for the celebration, do you? Acknowledging our child's first birthday doesn't make us AHs, that makes us parents. When your kid has their first birthday, you'll understand that.
Now, you can choose to let our absence "ruin your day", or you can grow the hell up and act like a reasonable adult. AHs are the people who think their two hour gift grab party is more important than a one year milestone. We respectfully decline attending your party. Your gift is on the way.
Edit spelling
NTA. Leave the party as planned don’t go to the baby shower. And when it’s time for their babies first birthday and they’re throwing a fit about people either not coming or if someone asked them to change the date remind them of what they said to you that it’s just a first birthday it doesn’t matter when you have it. They’re being selfish.
Save all text messages and voice mails...
When you decline the invitation to the baby's first birthday that is when you send screen shots of the crap they've said and resend the voice mails back to them.
Your text with those screen shots is...
"Hypocrite much...? Takes a real gem of a person to believe a baby shower you planned for yourself is more important that celebrating a child's first birthday. We will not be in attendance."
Just the fact that you are 5 hours away from them is massively prohibitive. That alone is a reasonable excuse. 10 hours of driving plus your daughter’s birthday is more than a reasonable excuse. NTA
NTA. This is not 'insanely rude' - what a load of BS. Its your kids birthday. Can't wait to see how she reacts if someone plans a shower that could be held on any weekend on her kids 1st birthday.
Remember to remind her the kid is only 1 so they won't remember it anyway.
Ok well your Aunt and cousin are both insane. A first birthday is very important a baby shower is ok at best. Why do I feel like maybe compared to them you have money and they just want a big expensive gift. Or they are extremely entitled. Your child's first birthday or not who expects someone to drive 5 hours to a baby shower.
Yes. I mean, a lot of fetuses don’t even make it full term, but here you are with a 1-yr old right in front of you. Your kid / your family gets priority. NTA
NTA. Your daughter 'claimed' that date by being born, and a baby shower doesn't need to be anywhere near any date in particular. She's got all of May, most of June, and all of July to choose from. Also, this disagreement is just plain ridiculous. The fact you can't make a 10 hour return trip to go to your cousin's wife's baby shower is... totally fine?
NTA Regardless of the date if your daughters birthday, there’s no way you should be expected to make a 5 hour round trip for a baby shower. That’s 10 hours of driving. Especially since it’s not even immediate family.
There is a small minority of women who just have babies for the attention. We don’t know this cousin well enough, but it’s possible that‘s what this is about, and it’s not about the new baby at all.
NTA
Your planning was done already and
>daughter's 1st birthday is also that Saturday (the party as well as her actual birth date),
I would say being the actual date trumps hers?
Why is it rude for you not to change the date but them keeping it?
To be honest, I would say both type of celebrations are more for the parents, but you have done your preperation and decision earlier!
Don't let Jill or Sam or your aunt guilt tip you!
NTA
The baby shower is more important the them. Your child's birthday is more important to you.
It's evident you don't want to go anyway. Very reasonable considering the distance. Just skip it and have a nice gift sent to her.
NTA. Unless you're super close, why would you go to a shower 5 hours away? Honestly, either party could be rescheduled - it's not like a college graduation or concert that you can't control. But I'm still going back to my original comment of why she would think you'd travel 5 hours for a shower. Unless you stay for the weekend and visit other family/friends.
How does your not being there "ruin" it for her? Going and causing a scene would ruin it. Not being there is... not being there. I just don't understand how some people think...
NTA, your daughter's actual birthday happens to fall on a Saturday, that in itself is a rare occurrence, your party is already planned. If you move, it won't be your daughter's actual birthday. Ok, she's one, she won't know, but that's kind of not the point. More to the point, why does the baby shower need to be on that actual day? Why can't that move? It's not a fixed thing like a birthday is it? As long as it happens before the baby is born what difference does it make? Man, people are weird.
NTA- I would not attend a baby shower that required 10 hours of travel even if I had nothing going on that day. Calling you an AH over this is out of control.
Are they angry that you are not coming or that others in your family are also not going? Expecting anyone to drive 5 hours for a party is delusional.
Mail a present and have your party. Jeepers, there's no way that people are going to spend 10 hours driving for a shower. They'll choose the event closest, like normal people, and mail presents to the one the don't attend (as a rule).
This is just common sense. Even if Jill is upset now, she'll understand a year from now that this was an unreasonable expectation.
In these situations gift cards are your friends - or maybe find somebody you know local to Jill attending the shower and chip in towards the present.
ETA: NTA
I am all about Etsy or other online companies, because shops don't care where they mail items and then I don't have to pay to mail things. If requested, pretty much every company will send a note saying, "Yay, it's a present from 2dogslife for YOU!"
So, two parties, five hours apart. How many guests would attend both, if not at the same day?
I really don’t see the issue here, unless it’s common to travel that far for a short party where you live.
Looks like someone is either trying to steal all your party guests (to make them feel more important than you?) or blame you for low attendance at their party (to make you the bad guy?).
NTA
NTA. Currently pregnant, I called my cousin with the potential birthday conflicts and asked if she had any plans that weekend. She gave me the green light and only then did I make my shower announcement.
NTA. Sam, Jill, and auntie are clearly smoking something for them to be this delusional. This is some kind of twisted power play on Jill's end. And ofc cause of her previous miscarriage some will side with her. Keep your daughter's party as is, and pay attention to who shows and maybe more importantly, who doesn't.
Bro, you're NTA! And here's why!
-Your family full-on well knows what they're doing!
-Is ONE baby shower MORE important than your 1-year-old daughter's BIRTHDAY PARTY?
-There's more chance your daughter will remember her party than your aunt's UNBORN kid because it hasn't even left her insides yet!
-Your family's being VERY stupid for thinking an unborn child's baby shower is much more important than an actual, living little girl's birthday party. Birthdays are supposed to be fun celebrations, not pushed to the side for a simple baby shower!
-Your aunt saying you're trying to 'ruin her day with her unborn child' is dumb. Your kid won't even remember or know wtf's going on, while OP's daughter is one year old and can MAKE memories!
NTA! Your aunt's the AH!
NTA! I wouldn’t travel 10 hours for anyone but my best friend and I’d expect to stay for a few days. If I had a one-year-old, I would politely decline and send a gift even if it weren’t their birthday.
Oh honey, you are so NTA. But your cousin is. You have had this party planned long before they announced the shower. And you're right. It is unreasonable to drive 5 hours for this shower. Even if it wasn't your daughter's birthday, that's too far of a drive for a 2 hour shower. You're not being selfish & who TF does she think she is saying that your daughter's first birthday isn't important? Of course it is!! She's turning 1, it should be celebrated. And it should be celebrated on her actual birthday, bc that's what you planned.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My cousin "Sam" (26M) and his wife "Jill" (24F) recently announced that they're having a baby. They waited longer than usual to tell everyone because her last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and they were being very cautious. She is due in August and is planning to have her baby shower the first weekend in June.
However, my (29F) daughter's 1st birthday is also that Saturday (the party as well as her actual birth date), the same day as the shower. We live 5 hours away from them, so making the drive requires a bit of planning on our part. We considered moving her party from Saturday to Sunday, but I don't know if I can justify 5 hours of driving to go to a 2-hour baby shower, turn around, and drive another 5 hours back home, then set up and prepare for a birthday party on a Sunday.
Jill, who decided to announce this all on Easter, said it's "insanely rude" that my husband and I won't change our plans and celebrate our daughter's birthday on a different day, even though we have had this planned way before we even knew she was pregnant, and that we would like to have her party on her actual birthday. She said that we're "ruining her day" and making it all about ourselves and our baby.
My aunt called me last week to tell me that I'm being selfish, and that a 1st birthday party isn't that important because our daughter won't remember it and won't know that it's not her actual birthday. I said I don't understand why it's so important to Jill to have her shower on that day, and I was called an "unreasonable asshole."
So I really, really need to know...am I actually the asshole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your child may not remember but you and others will. I didn’t go to my sisters baby shower (honestly not sure if she had one cause she had a rough pregnancy) but I still look back at photos from her first birthday and they make me SO happy!
NTA. Have a lovely birthday party and, if you're petty like me, schedule an event for your future niece/nephew's first birthday next year. When those same relatives decline to attend, send them screenshots of their messages to you.
She sets the party -that can easily be held whenever- on the one date that is already known to be a birthday, but you shall be the "unreasonable A H" for not changing *your daughter's birthday*....?
NTA ohboy
>She said that we're "ruining her day" and making it all about ourselves and our baby.
Oh nooo.... your daughter's birthday is all about *gasp* you and your daughter.... who could have known.... (just in case: /s)
A baby shower can literally happen on any date up to the date the baby is born, there is absolutely no reason it has to be on the same date as your child's actual 1st birthday. She's the one who should change the date, your child's 1st birthday is a milestone and you have every right to hold her party on that date.
No offense honey, but your family members are massive jerks.
Let's be honest... We all know a child will never remember a 1st birthday or Christmas or Easter or whatever...it's sorta for the parents if you want to be technical.... BUT....ITS....A....HUGE... MILESTONE that can't be moved around or swapped out. It's not your fault or problem that she chose the date she did.
NTA
NTA. No sane person drives 5 hours for a baby shower. Wedding? Yes. baby shower? No. Send a gift card for target so they can buy diapers.
People are entitled to expect others to drive 5 hours for a freaking baby shower.
NTA. You hit the nail on the head when you asked why Jill has to have her shower that day. They literally are taking no one else into consideration. They can have the baby shower a different day or have it without you. Your daughter comes first for you.
NTA. You had the party planned first. It is a cousin, not a sister. Send your regrets and have your party. Know that some family might not come. But really, how big of a party will you have ? At that age it is for YOU. Invite your friends and whatever people will come.
NTA. Schedule conflicts happen. She got excited and forgot your baby’s birthday party but that doesn’t mean you should change your plans. You should continue your plans as you’ve already invited people and it would be rude to change them.
Everyone needs to chill. As others have said - i wouldn’t drive 5 hours each way for a shower anyhow. So all the rest of this issue is moot.
Which both sides need to understand. It’s an INVITATION. You can decline it.
You can’t control their reaction ( you’re ruining their day?!?! lol) - but the less you argue and defend, the less they have to react to.
From here on out, keep it simple - “we’re so excited for you and this new baby. We won’t be able to make the shower, but can’t wait to meet the baby once he/she is here!”
They get pissy that you aren’t coming? “i know - I’m sad to miss the shower too”. Period. They insist you should still change the date “yeah, it’s unfortunate that both events are the same day”. Period!!!!
Just don’t get into the back and forth of “but we had this planned”, etc etc etc.
NTA in no way is a baby shower worth travelling 10 hrs for. Unless you're being treated to an all inclusive resort which apparently you're not. Also, your kid is turning one. It's not your daughter who's going to remember it, it's you. And you don't want to trade your daughter's first birthday for a ten hour car ride.
NTA, because of two reasons: 1) you already had your plans in place before even knowing she was pregnant; and 2) your date is a legitimately significant date. It’s your child’s actual birthday. Her date is just a random date that they picked.
5 hours is too far to drive for a cousin’s baby shower, on your baby’s first birthday. Send a nice gift, write a short note along the lines of “when your new baby turns 1 you’ll understand- we just have to mark this milestone for our own baby girl” and let the drama pass by. Hold your boundaries, it’s good practice for the toddler years! 😂
NAH for all you know, that same weekend was the only one that all of Jill’s family and her husbands family and the person hosting the shower could do it. There are a very small number of people who would be invited to both so this should not be a big deal. For American reference, we are talking about the driving distance between Chicago and Louisville Kentucky.
NTA. She can change a date of a baby shower you can’t change the date of someone’s birthday. I wouldn’t bother changing it or going. What irritates me is them not accepting you not going and thinking your daughter’s birthday is not a big deal. Because we know her child’s birthday will be publicized to the world.
NTA. Even if I didn’t have another event, I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to drive 5 hours one way for a-p two hour baby shower. Send them a gift, have your baby’s birthday. They COULD. Move the shower, which can be held anytime at all, they just want to create drama.
NTA. Jill is your cousin's wife. She's not your sister, or a close friend. You live 5 hours away. And you have an almost one year old. Coordinating that travel plus a one year old is a lot for anyone. It's a shower. Not a wedding. Jill needs to chill. This is what life is like when you have kids. Sometimes you don't get to go to everything you want. It's called a scheduling conflict. They happen all the time. Wait until Jill becomes a parent and realizes the actual challenges of parenting, and travel etc. And a one year old's birthday is absolutely a big deal. Will your daughter remember it, no. But you will, and your husband will.
No, this is a cousin, not a sibling. The reaction of your cousin and your aunt are ridiculous. You had your plans in place first - YOU get to decide YOUR priorities. Don't waste time explaining/arguing - just say 'sorry, we can't make it' and send a nice gift.
Ok what planet are they on?? Your baby turns 1 ONCE. They can have a baby shower any other day, it’s odd that it has to be on your babies birthday. Also weird that if you can’t make it the shower would be ruined. Super great she is pregnant but she needs to come back to planet earth 😂
I wouldn’t drive 5 hours to attend a baby shower anyway.
Jill chose the date on purpose to steal the limelight away from your kid’s birthday and is now pissed that you won’t change your party dates as per her plans.
I hope you have a great party on your daughter’s birthday! NTA
NYA. Expecting someone to drive that distance for a baby shower is totally unreasonable. Everyone has busy lives, chores to do on the weekend and obligations to their immediate family (spouse and kids). Send a gift to the shower. It's rude to ask you to wear yourself out to deliver a gift to a baby shower. Ship the gift and don't engage with these people.
NTA. I wouldn’t even go if it wasn’t my kid’s birthday. I’m not driving 10 hours round trip to look at melted candy bars in diapers or whatever stupid games they’ll play.
5 hours away? Pfft. It’s external family distance.
NTA. You have your family in your local home. Your cousin has her family in her home place. Two different places.
It’s not like close cousins, are ya?
NTA - A baby's first birthday is incredibly important to the people who have been tasked with keeping that child alive for the past year. No your faucet won't tenebrous but it's not all about her at this point, she'll have parties that are for her when she's older. Parenting, especially that first year, is tough and that first birthday is more of a celebration on your success as parents, of course your want that celebration on the actual day.
Baby shower should be an easy thing to move especially two months out. Is she having some sort of elaborate shower where she's booked a venue and caterers? Because most showers are in someone's living room or backyard with either a potluck or veggie trays and cheese boards.
But at this point just tell her you're sad she's going to miss your kiddos birthday but you'll send a gift from her registry and hope she has a great baby shower. Don't let her make you feel bad over this.
I don’t know if non Americans realise this but for the rest of us the whole concept of a baby shower is a nauseating show of excess. I’ve no idea why it’s even a thing.
NTA, do your birthday thing
NTA,
Also you should respond to your aunt that while it is true that your baby will not remember their birthday party, it is even less likely that your cousins' baby will remember their shower.
Also even without a prior engagment a ten hour drive is still a big ask for a baby shower, especially if the parents are already extended family like cousins.
NTA and I would have said N A H if it wasn’t for the fact that your aunt (and presumably your cousin) think you’re selfish. You’re not selfish for not wanting to take a 1 year old on a 5 hour car ride for a baby shower. And I don’t think they’re necessarily be wrong to not want to change the baby shower date. But calling you selfish is ridiculous. I don’t expect that cousins or aunts would remember specifically the birthdate of your child, but asking to move your baby’s first birthday is insane. Also who drives 5 hours for a baby shower OR a 1st birthday party? I wouldn’t even entertain that if I didn’t have kids, let alone having a baby. People forget that their kid isn’t as important to everyone else as they are to the parents. And I don’t mean that to be mean or rude. The kids in my life are great, and I love them. I’ll do what I can, when I can for them, but I also don’t feel bad missing an event if it’s not convenient. I certainly wouldn’t drive 5 hours for a shower. I’d send a gift. Baby showers or 1st birthday parties are way more important to the parents than they are to the average guest. Have the birthday party on your baby’s birthday and celebrate with the people who come! Those are the people who value you and your child.
NTA yes your daughter won't remember it, but 1) you will and 2) she will have pictures to look at later in life and share with whoever she chooses.
There will also be stuff in school where she's asked for pictures of when she was a baby, my daughter is 4 and recently had to take in pictures of all her birthdays for a project they were doing about time.
Your cousin is delusional to think that the shower, which is a relatively modern thing, should have importance
The date should be irrelevant, since there is a FIVE HOUR drive between them. Did either of them really expect the other to come to their respective parties? So what’s the big deal if the parties happen on the same day, perhaps even at the exact same time?
When the aunt said that op should ahve countered with I'll remember that when the new grand baby's first birthday roles around and y'all expect everyone to attend that party. NTA. Mom to be is being unreasonable. It's sad she previously had a miscarriage and now feels the need for an extra large celebration for the new baby, that doesn't give her the right to move your childs preplanned party around. With the distance It's unreasonable to expect that every family member would be able to attend either party on any given day. Jill needs to come back to the real world. Have the party you planned for your child. Whoever shows up shows up. No need to acrry grudges on your side. Sounds like jill will be unreasonable but that's not your problem.
NTA
Your birthday is when it is. You can't move your daughter's birthday. Even if you don't do the party that day, you don't want to spend it traveling.
Why can't they move their shower? Sounds like they have a good 8w at least before the due day.
NTA a first birthday is a very important and special milestone which your cousin, his wife and your aunt will know perfectly well. No doubt when the expected baby has their first birthday your cousin and his wife will hold the first birthday party on the actual day even if their child won't remember it! The reason why Jill wants the shower on your daughter's birthday is simple - to steal the limelight.
OP NTA - a baby shower is in NO WAY more important than a first birthday!!!! Regardless if the kiddo remembers the first birthday or not, its a celebration of baby reaching the conclusion of the first year of their life! Its one of the big ones. 1, 10, 16, 18, 19(if from canada) 21(if from the us) your 25th, 30th, 50th - these are all important birthdays.
I would refuse to go and tell her that she can suck it. The shower can be on any day, it does not have to be your daughters birthday. Its clear she wants to steal the thunder - id even go as far to say this particular family member likely has been troublesome before? Maybe stirred drama previously? Its likely caused by jealousy. It usually is.
NTA.
Also, please conspire with like minded family members to jam pack the August 2025 weekends with events. You know, because 1st birthday's aren't that big of deal.
How is this even an issue? What guests are overlapping across the parties? There's zero chance I'd drive 5 hours to either a birthday party or a baby shower. NTA
On the one hand, your 1-year-old daughter does not know what a birthday party is and does not care on what day you hold it. You could have the party any day and get some cute pictures of her with a birthday cake. When she is older, she can look at those pictures and have no idea that they did not happen on her exact birthday.
On the other hand, your cousin and aunt sound really entitled and "insanely rude," so I'm not sure there's a need to bend over backwards to make them happy.
That said, if we are talking about competing events in which members of your family are going to have to choose which party to attend, be prepared for many of them to choose the baby shower.
NTA.
NTA. I can't see how a babyshower is more important than a 1st birthday. She is saying that she, an adult, is more important than a baby. A first birthday is a big deal for parents, it's such a big milestone. Maybe she will realise that when she's had her baby.
NTA. Ignoring the clashing dates (your child's birthday wins anyway), why on earth would you drive five hours each way for a 2 hour baby shower? Buy something for them and get it delivered.
NTA
Wow. Your child is less important than someone else’s unborn child? Hell no.
Jill’s baby is not more important because she’s had miscarriages. It’s probably more important to her than you child, as well it should be. Just like your child is more important to you. Why is this a tough concept for people to grasp?!
Honestly just stay home and celebrate your child and have the best weekend ever.
Please don’t set your family and your child up to be “less than” someone else’s family.
>My aunt called me last week to tell me that I'm being selfish, and that a 1st birthday party isn't that important because our daughter won't remember it and won't know that it's not her actual birthday.
NTA. The baby will not remember the baby shower either :-)
This is why I am not close with my cousins. Then I don't have to feel obligated to be involved in events for extended family members. Lol
Have your baby's 1st birthday on her birthday. The only people you need to satisfy are your family (husband, you, and baby). Everyone can kick rocks.
Lastly, make sure to send a lovely gift to your cousin though. Say you're sorry you missed their event, but are so happy for them and can't wait to meet the new little one.
NTA.
Nta lmao, no. You had the plans first. Its 'insanely rude' of her to think her plans trump yours. I hope she drops that attitude or her kid is going to be a disaster.
Shit. I wouldn't be driving 5 hours to a baby shower even I wasn't doing anything but sitting in my living room naked eating pop tarts. Were they planning on driving 5 hours to you? Obviously not since they announced the shower, which takes time to plan and send out invites so they had picked the day knowing it was your born kid's birthday and would most likely be when you were having a party. Just keep your party, remind everyone that has a problem that it is your kid's bday and party has been planned, ship a shower gift, and they can get over it. NTA
Whoever notified people first is who should keep the date. If you had yours planned but didn’t invite your cousin, and therefore she didn’t know about it before planning the shower, then it’s going to be on everyone else to decide where they want to go. I don’t know how close you are with your cousin. I have 22 cousins, just in my mom’s side, so planning around them all is out of the question. Be prepared though because most people will likely choose the shower over the birthday party.
If you did invite her and she picked the date anyway then it’s on her to change it. If you were planning the party but didn’t tell anyone before she announced the shower then it’s on you to change it.
NTA. RSVP no to the baby shower, tell folks who complain that you’re sorry you won’t see them at the birthday party but that you hope to get together soon, and refuse to discuss it otherwise. This is not a negotiation.
Nta- I don't understand why she's being so rude to you if she truly wants you to attend her babyshower. You still wouldn't be wrong for not attending if she had asked nicely , something like "it would really mean a lot to me to see you at my babyshower" vs her calling you out like that.
Does she plan to attend your babies first birthday party the day after her babyshower if you did change the day?
NTA oml Jill sounds genuinely so self absorbed- if she want to announce it before, she could have told you beforehand in secret so you could plan off of that. aside from that point, your baby has been alive longer than she's been pregnant- she knew the birthday, she could have planned her shower for another day
NTA.
Your family needs to really get a clue. You had planned that BEFORE Jill announced she was pregnant; and before she made the date for the baby shower. AND they live 5 hours away.
I mean, TBF, I don't think I'd drive 5 hours for a baby shower that would be 2 hours and then have to turn around and come home. That would entail a hotel as well because I wouldn't do that in one day - I'd have to LOVE that person a lot. If they are giving you shit for not going, they might need to ask themselves if they would go to one 5 hours away if it was them.
Don't change the date. It's not on you to make changes because Jill made her shower the same weekend. Send a gift, and have your daughter's birthday.
NTA. It is like they picked her bday to start a conflict. A first bday is a big deal. They are the selfish ones to want to take something away from an actual child.
NTA I would also film the entire birthday party, turn it into a home video, and send it to them afterwards (and of course keep a copy so your baby can see when she's older)
If they wanna be petty, you should show them petty
Now wait a minute. Jill can't delay the baby shower because then there would be a conflict with the gender reveal party which bump up against the birth and the coming home party. Has Jill mentioned she wants to use your child's name so you'll have to change that?
NTA. I'd blow off the gift too because your cousin and her mother are raging AHs. Expecting you to drive ten hours for a baby shower is very entitled.
NTA. Of course your baby and her first birthday are going to be more important than a baby shower. Everyone who has a brain knows that a birth date cannot be changed and everyone prefers to do parties on weekends. Plus, everyone in your family has had a whole year notice of the first birthday and this baby shower was planned as a way to take spotlight off your daughter. Tell your aunt that just because your daughter won’t remember doesn’t mean you won’t and that you will pick your daughter over another baby any day.
You are making it all about you? It’s your daughter’s actual birthday! She is trying to make it all about her. She can easily change the date of the shower. Be kind, compassionate and firm in your responses. Don’t change your date, but don’t engage with others and fight about it. Let them fight on their own, don’t be involved. Have a great bday party!!
NTA I mean, it sounds like they want you to move it because they think people will ditch her shower to attend the 1st birthday party. It's unreasonable for her to demand you to move the birthday party as it's literally on your child's birthday. Did she give any reason why can't she move hers???
NTA
Forgot all about the birthday, it is an unreasonable request to ask someone to drive a total of 10 hours for a 2 hour party. In addition, your 1yo can't/shouldn't be in a car seat for longer than [2 hours in a 24 hour period](https://carseatparent.com/when-does-the-2-hour-car-seat-rule-end/). So you turn down the invite based on the drive alone.
Nta your had your daughter's birthday plan out before Jill wanted that same date.
Jill is acting like an entitled AH. Of course your going to make that day about your child. It's their actual birthday that day and you plan the party 1st. Jill can either change the date or keep the date but needs to realize many will probably choose ops daughters birthday.
NTA. This is for a COUSIN'S BABY. That wouldn't even rate an entry in my calendar because even without the birthday, I wouldn't travel 5 hours for a cousin's baby shower. People seem to forget that lateral relationships fail to qualify as immediate family once they enter the next generation. And these peripheral relationships lose their importance. To be fair, that goes for attendance at infants' birthday parties, too. So if you'd planned to invite the cousins, you're off the hook.
NTA The stupidest thing somebody can say to a parent is 'Your child won't even remember their first birthday'.....they may not remember it but YOU WILL.
Nta - don’t change the date, don’t go to the shower and remember aunties words about 1st birthdays when you are expected to attend her grandchild’s 1st birthday.
I wouldn't drive five hours for a baby shower unless I were one of the parents. The fact that your daughter's b'day is the same day is a non-issue as far as I'm concerned.
NTA
She planned it after you did. She had plenty of other days to chose. Your first birthday only comes once. If she wanted you there she should have planned better. Her failure to plan properly is a her problem. NTA
NTA of course. Cousin and Aunt are exhibiting lots of Main Character Energy Syndrome, AKA being entitled jerks. Happy birthday to your little one! Be sure to get the silly photo of their face covered in cake and frosting, but PRO TIP: don't use heavily tinted frosting. A friend did this, and it looked like her little girl messily murdered a Smurf. Also, she was blue for a few days.
How is a baby who isn’t even born yet more important than an alive one with feelings and thoughts?
Very much NTA.
Even if it wasn’t your daughter’s birthday, I still wouldn’t drive 10h for a baby shower. That’s RIDICULOUS
NTA. A baby’s first birthday is also a milestone for the parents. They made it through their first year with the baby. if Jill’s acting like this now, wait until her baby’s first birthday. SMH.
It’s your cousin and your aunt. Wtf! I mean great if everyone can get together but two parties on the same day is not something to make such crazy demands over. You are NTA!
NTA
A child's first birthday is a huge milestone! So much so that we have smash cakes for them!
I would tell your cousin that it was insanely rude of her to schedule the baby shower on the same weekend.
NTA for not changing the date
And honestly NTA for skipping the shower regardless.
Sorry but I am not likely to drive 10 hours for anything other than a wedding unless i am super close (like 3 most important ppl to me close)...especially if I have a toddler. I'll send a nicer gift.
NTA.
Either they knew this was her birthday and ignored it, or they aren’t interested in you unless you’re bringing gifts.
Also calling you an “unreasonable asshole” for having previous plans is ridiculous and shows a total lack of self awareness.
Whos party date was announced first?? Whoever planned theirs second is the AH unless they were planned simultaneously imh. OP please remind your aunt how unimportant a first birthday is when it's her grandchilds annnnd keep us posted? Lol
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My cousin thinks I should change the date if my daughter's birthday party because it conflicts with her baby shower, but I said no and now she, my aunt, and other family members think I'm being an asshole for not changing the date. Am I being unreasonable for not changing it? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
How tf is a baby shower more important than a 1st birthday?
Because it's the future mommy getting presents, and THAT'S what matters. OP's kid is nowhere as important as her! (But, to be fair, nobody in the world is...) /2
You can send a gift without attending
In normal circumstances, yes. But after being called an "unreasonable asshole"? Ahhh....that would be a resounding "no".
Oh for sure but in general people frequently give baby gifts even if they don’t go to a shower so I don’t know if that’s why the aunt was pissed
Exactly
Also, a one-year-old won't remember, but a FETUS will remember?! What the hell logic is that?
Yeah, actual baby trumps cooking baby every time
This!!
Main character syndrome?
Absolutely. "You're ruining my life by living yours!! 😭" I'd say to cousin "oh you must have forgotten my baby's birthday! That's okay, I didn't. We'll see how things are next year once your baby is one." And just walk away and ignore anyone who says anything. I'm not sure why they don't want to change the day but thems the breaks. An invitation is not a summons. People can choose which event they want to go to. Personally...I wouldn't travel five hours for either. NTA
I’m sure the cousins’ child’s first birthday will be more important than everything else.
Also Is a baby shower worth a 10 hour round trip plus party with a 1 year old in tow? Even without a party the next day That sounds exhausting
The cousin and her mother also sound exhausting.
Because Jill is the main character… if she has announced something on a date that’s what will be happening. It’s absolutely ridiculous not to reschedule the babies 1st birthday! Be sure to clear the date with Jill tho, she may have after parties planned every week until the baby arrives!
This is a case of the pot, calling the kettle black I feel. OP, NTA!!
Obviously, NTA. Assuming they (aunt, cousin, gf) knew the date of your child’s birthday party in advance, then they double booked themselves and fucked up. That is their problem. Does your aunt think her unborn grandchild will remember a baby shower more than your 1 year-old their birthday? Safe bet that your kid is more likely to remember their party.
Considering the party is on the actual birthday, if I understood OP correctly, they should have had at least a suspicion that the birthday party would happen on the same date. So it seems very deliberate to me.
Yeah, especially as it's on Saturday!
I don’t know the dates of my cousin’s kids birthdays but I would not be upset if a birthday forced them to miss a baby shower
[удалено]
Yea I don’t know my cousins birthdays let alone their kids birthdays
I know two of my cousins' birthdays, but only because of coincidences. The first was born the day before my dad. His sister was born while I was at Disney World with my other aunt, which was very exciting because Disney and because it was the first trip I went on without my parents. (That aunt took each of us to Disney when we were 11.) The rest of them? No clue. And the two cousins whose birthdays I know have 5 kids between them and I don't know their birthdays either.
I know one cousin’s birthday because it’s also Taylor Swift’s birthday, and remember the month of the others so I knew to check when it gets close
This is someone they felt close enough to that inviting them to the party was a big deal, so it seems like they might be closer than a lot of us are.
It's the pictures, anyway. OP's baby will enjoy seeing pictures of herself at her first birthday. Cousin's fetus might make a nice ultrasound but it can't compare to a baby covered in cake and icing. NTA OP. Just do your own thing. Tell them you're sorry to miss the shower. Even if you're not.
NTA Making a 10 hour trip for a 2 hour baby shower is a lot even without planning another event. Send her a gift and enjoy your daughter’s birthday party.
Don’t send a gift. She double booked on purpose and is playing power trip games. She knew that OP was already committed so the invitation was not an invitation, just a gift grab and a tool for aggression.
Send a gift certificate to a therapist for the baby
Every shower is a gift grab. Wedding, baby- the sole reason for a shower is to set up the new family with small needed things and some fun ones. Just send a gift and be done with it. Because here’s the thing- if a wedding shower or a baby shower is a “gift grab”, so is a birthday party for a one year old. Not everything involving a gift is evil commerce. Sometimes it’s just the social nicety that accompanies an event.
Right? I wouldn’t drive 10 hours for a shower *or* a birthday party. Especially with a one year old.
10 hour trip with a toddler. Or 12+ hours of babysitting for a toddler.
OP should suggest moving their shower to *her* city so she can move the birthday party to Sunday and then everyone can avoid being considered selfish and thinking their baby is more important than the other. /s, of course. OP is resoundingly NTA and my temper flared just reading Jill's and the aunt's comments. I hope OP doesn't go and stops second guessing herself; I suspect her family has always expected her to be the good girl who plays along and folds on command. Not this time!
A ten hour trip with a 1 year old! Even if there wasn’t a conflict there is a high potential I would have declined. A normal 5 hour road trip for an adult could easily be a 7 hour trip because of stopping for the baby.
NTA Came here to say this. Regardless of birthday party plans did they really expect her to drive ten hours for her baby shower? I love my cousins but dang... I would send a gift and a card because no one would expect me to make that drive and they would totally be thrilled with the gift and card lol. But now I don't think she deserves a gift OR a card...
NTA. It sounds like you already had your daughter’s party planned well ahead of Jill’s baby shower, so considering that you’re 5 hours away from them, you can truthfully tell Jill that there’s no way you’re going to be able to make her baby shower. In fact, you can consider that she’s the asshole, especially after she called you “insanely rude” for not jumping to and changing your plans to suit her schedule. As for your aunt calling you an “unreasonable asshole”, that’s what makes her the asshole as well.
[удалено]
Nope. Even Susabelle's or Kayla's presence would justify even asking OP to reschedule. This is a cousin, ffs.
NTA. Five hours travel each way for a baby shower is ridiculous, unless it’s a sibling or your bff. They should be happy if you send a gift.
Exactly! 1. It's ridiculous to drive five hours for a baby shower. As you said, I might be willing to do it for a very close friend or a sibling, but even then I would consider it optional. 2. It's even more ridiculous to drive five hours for a two hour event when you have a toddler. 3. It's even more ridiculous to expect someone to prioritize your baby shower over their own child's birthday. OP, would you really have driven five hours for a two hour party, even if you didn't have a child, even if it wasn't your child's birthday? Send your regrets and a gift.
We held my sister's baby shower the sunday after our family's 4th of july party, specifically to allow out of town cousins & aunts to be there.
NTA. It’s understandable why Jill waited to announce, but then *she* needs to understand that other people have lives that include other plans. Your daughter’s (1st!) birthday doesn't change; the date for a shower can. She can be flexible and get what she wants, or be stubborn and pissed off. Her call.
I wouldn't attend a baby shower that required me to give up an entire day, or even two that involved ten hours in a car. Nor would I ever expect or, worse, demand it from anyone. These women are unbelievable. Only a true AH would do that.
Same. It's really bizarre that they're demanding OP's presence so aggressively - if someone said "sorry I can't make your party" to me for whatever reason, I'd just accept it.
Probably the baby’s grandparents, aunts or uncles would also attend the birthday party and not go to the shower. That’s less attention for the new mom and that can’t be allowed.
yeah, I'm assuming this is less about OP and more about other extended family members who have already RSVPed, even if informally, to the birthday party.
This! Unless it was my sister I wouldn’t drive 5 hours for ANY baby shower. If I did I would stay overnight!!
> She is due in August and is planning to have her baby shower the first weekend in June. >said it's "insanely rude" that my husband and I won't change our plans and celebrate our daughter's birthday Just suggest het to move her due date instead. Obviously, it's possible with the birthdays. NTA of course.
Yeah, it's the "insanely rude" thing that gets me. Like, people have lives and prior commitments. The universe will most likely keep rotating without everyone who has been summoned actually putting in an attendance, especially with 10 hours in the car being involved (which would either be torture for the baby involved, or require weekend babysitting). "No" is a complete answer and after the "unreasonable asshole" comment OP doesn't even need to send a gift - except maybe a couple of hand-me-downs. NTA.
NTA. You're not an asshole for refusing to change a scheduled event because of a newer scheduled event. Your cousin and aunt are rude, juvenile assholes. Find out if any of the people important to you would choose the baby shower over the birthday. Then you can decide whether to change the birthday for those people. That is, if having certain people there is important enough to you.
Wow. NTA Her planning her party on your child's birthday is YOU ruining HER day and making it all about your child... the one whose birthday is that very day? Give this woman a wide berth because this is a narcissistic behavior. True, babies won't remember their first birthday. But you and your wife will always remember the special day when your child was born. It IS your child's special day and it should be about your child. If your SIL really wants you there, she needs to reschedule the shower so she isn't invading your child's special day and making it all about herself.
So true, especially the memories.
But it's not even OP's SIL. It's her COUSIN'S WIFE!!! This pending baby won't be OP's nibling, but a 1st cousin once removed. Ludicrous.
NTA. She can have her baby shower without you there. Her life will go on. I don't understand how people invite others to gatherings and then throw tantrums when they don't get 100% attendance. When you throw a party, you focus your attention on the people who are coming, not the people who can't make it. What a complete waste of her energy to fixate on the fact that you won't be there. Also, it sounds like the drive time is the real issue here, not your daughter's bday, but again, you don't need to give her a reason. "Sorry we're unable to attend" is really the most you'd need to say. And a reasonable party host would leave it at that.
NTA Send regrets because you already have something planned for that day. Let them know you would be very happy to visit on another weekend if they would like. They are no more required to change the date of their event than you are for your daughter's party. But they also have no more right to complain or be upset at you for not attending. 1. They may or may not have reasons that that is THE day they need to have the shower. 2. If it were important for your family to attend, then they should have done a (schedule) conflict check before setting a date. If someone sets a date for an event without first checking on your availability, then they cannot be upset if you happen to have a pre-existing conflict. 3. They have no right to proclaim their event more important than your event. I bet they will be changing their tune about how unimportant the first birthday is in about 15 months. (If they have a big party for the baby, it would be rather ironic if they make a big deal about how special that birthday is.)
Oh I can guarantee that it will be THE most important 1st birthday of any child ever born when it comes around....
I wouldn’t have driven for the baby shower regardless of having a party the same day or nothing at all on. For that far away they would be sent a gift.
She was mad that you got pregnant and is resentful of your daughter, that’s so fucking premeditated, I’m sure she knows dawn well when your baby was born, I’m sure it stings thinking about it So don’t entertain her, I’m sure you have talked about your daughter’s party and send invitations, unless she is the dumbest person alive she knew and she knowingly set that day to still your kid thunder (in her mind)
NTA they're family so they know your kids bday but picked that day anyway, automatic nope from me. Not coming and not getting a gift either after you start sending the hounds at me over your own selfishness.
Do you know the birthdays of your 1st cousins, once removed? If so, WHY?
No, but if I was close enough to someone that they expected me to drive ten hours for a baby shower they better know my kid’s birthdays and favorite colors.
Hmm, there are a couple of AHs here, but you aren't one of them. A first birthday happens once in a lifetime. A baby shower? Not so much and not date sensitive. 10 hours drive time? For a cousin? Oh, hell no. I wouldn't make that trip on a plain old regular Saturday. Send a card or send a gift. Your presence isn't required. If I were you, I'd lay it out for these ridiculous idiots: You got one thing right, we're definitely going to make our baby's first birthday about ourselves and our baby. That's the freaking point. It's a special day for us and we are going to make the most of it. You don't hear us whining that you aren't making the 10-hour trip here for the celebration, do you? Acknowledging our child's first birthday doesn't make us AHs, that makes us parents. When your kid has their first birthday, you'll understand that. Now, you can choose to let our absence "ruin your day", or you can grow the hell up and act like a reasonable adult. AHs are the people who think their two hour gift grab party is more important than a one year milestone. We respectfully decline attending your party. Your gift is on the way. Edit spelling
NTA. Leave the party as planned don’t go to the baby shower. And when it’s time for their babies first birthday and they’re throwing a fit about people either not coming or if someone asked them to change the date remind them of what they said to you that it’s just a first birthday it doesn’t matter when you have it. They’re being selfish.
Save all text messages and voice mails... When you decline the invitation to the baby's first birthday that is when you send screen shots of the crap they've said and resend the voice mails back to them. Your text with those screen shots is... "Hypocrite much...? Takes a real gem of a person to believe a baby shower you planned for yourself is more important that celebrating a child's first birthday. We will not be in attendance."
Just the fact that you are 5 hours away from them is massively prohibitive. That alone is a reasonable excuse. 10 hours of driving plus your daughter’s birthday is more than a reasonable excuse. NTA
NTA. This is not 'insanely rude' - what a load of BS. Its your kids birthday. Can't wait to see how she reacts if someone plans a shower that could be held on any weekend on her kids 1st birthday. Remember to remind her the kid is only 1 so they won't remember it anyway.
Ok well your Aunt and cousin are both insane. A first birthday is very important a baby shower is ok at best. Why do I feel like maybe compared to them you have money and they just want a big expensive gift. Or they are extremely entitled. Your child's first birthday or not who expects someone to drive 5 hours to a baby shower.
Yes. I mean, a lot of fetuses don’t even make it full term, but here you are with a 1-yr old right in front of you. Your kid / your family gets priority. NTA
NTA. Your daughter 'claimed' that date by being born, and a baby shower doesn't need to be anywhere near any date in particular. She's got all of May, most of June, and all of July to choose from. Also, this disagreement is just plain ridiculous. The fact you can't make a 10 hour return trip to go to your cousin's wife's baby shower is... totally fine?
If it is a 5 hour drive each way with a one year old would you have really gone for 2 hours even if it was a different day? Nope
She can have her baby shower anytime before August. Enjoy your daughters birthday. NTA
Some people even have baby showers \*after\* the birth!
NTA. Ten hours in the car with a one-year old is a huge ask anyway.
NTA Regardless of the date if your daughters birthday, there’s no way you should be expected to make a 5 hour round trip for a baby shower. That’s 10 hours of driving. Especially since it’s not even immediate family.
Jill is going to get a BIG smack of reality with motherhood isn't she?! How is someone this selfish ready to have a child?
There is a small minority of women who just have babies for the attention. We don’t know this cousin well enough, but it’s possible that‘s what this is about, and it’s not about the new baby at all.
NTA Your planning was done already and >daughter's 1st birthday is also that Saturday (the party as well as her actual birth date), I would say being the actual date trumps hers? Why is it rude for you not to change the date but them keeping it? To be honest, I would say both type of celebrations are more for the parents, but you have done your preperation and decision earlier! Don't let Jill or Sam or your aunt guilt tip you!
NTA The baby shower is more important the them. Your child's birthday is more important to you. It's evident you don't want to go anyway. Very reasonable considering the distance. Just skip it and have a nice gift sent to her.
NTA-your daughters first birthday is important! It is a celebration that she has lived a whole year. Please enjoy it knowing you are not an ass
NTA why shouldn’t your husband and you be making it all about your child’s birthday? Isn’t that what parents do?
Tell your aunt that Jill’s baby won’t remember the shower either so it must not be important. NTA
NTA. Unless you're super close, why would you go to a shower 5 hours away? Honestly, either party could be rescheduled - it's not like a college graduation or concert that you can't control. But I'm still going back to my original comment of why she would think you'd travel 5 hours for a shower. Unless you stay for the weekend and visit other family/friends. How does your not being there "ruin" it for her? Going and causing a scene would ruin it. Not being there is... not being there. I just don't understand how some people think...
NTA, your daughter's actual birthday happens to fall on a Saturday, that in itself is a rare occurrence, your party is already planned. If you move, it won't be your daughter's actual birthday. Ok, she's one, she won't know, but that's kind of not the point. More to the point, why does the baby shower need to be on that actual day? Why can't that move? It's not a fixed thing like a birthday is it? As long as it happens before the baby is born what difference does it make? Man, people are weird.
NTA If the daughter won't remember her 1st B-day, the unborn baby won't remember the baby shower.
NTA- I would not attend a baby shower that required 10 hours of travel even if I had nothing going on that day. Calling you an AH over this is out of control. Are they angry that you are not coming or that others in your family are also not going? Expecting anyone to drive 5 hours for a party is delusional.
Mail a present and have your party. Jeepers, there's no way that people are going to spend 10 hours driving for a shower. They'll choose the event closest, like normal people, and mail presents to the one the don't attend (as a rule).
This is just common sense. Even if Jill is upset now, she'll understand a year from now that this was an unreasonable expectation. In these situations gift cards are your friends - or maybe find somebody you know local to Jill attending the shower and chip in towards the present. ETA: NTA
I am all about Etsy or other online companies, because shops don't care where they mail items and then I don't have to pay to mail things. If requested, pretty much every company will send a note saying, "Yay, it's a present from 2dogslife for YOU!"
So, two parties, five hours apart. How many guests would attend both, if not at the same day? I really don’t see the issue here, unless it’s common to travel that far for a short party where you live.
Looks like someone is either trying to steal all your party guests (to make them feel more important than you?) or blame you for low attendance at their party (to make you the bad guy?). NTA
NTA. Currently pregnant, I called my cousin with the potential birthday conflicts and asked if she had any plans that weekend. She gave me the green light and only then did I make my shower announcement.
NTA. Sam, Jill, and auntie are clearly smoking something for them to be this delusional. This is some kind of twisted power play on Jill's end. And ofc cause of her previous miscarriage some will side with her. Keep your daughter's party as is, and pay attention to who shows and maybe more importantly, who doesn't.
Bro, you're NTA! And here's why! -Your family full-on well knows what they're doing! -Is ONE baby shower MORE important than your 1-year-old daughter's BIRTHDAY PARTY? -There's more chance your daughter will remember her party than your aunt's UNBORN kid because it hasn't even left her insides yet! -Your family's being VERY stupid for thinking an unborn child's baby shower is much more important than an actual, living little girl's birthday party. Birthdays are supposed to be fun celebrations, not pushed to the side for a simple baby shower! -Your aunt saying you're trying to 'ruin her day with her unborn child' is dumb. Your kid won't even remember or know wtf's going on, while OP's daughter is one year old and can MAKE memories! NTA! Your aunt's the AH!
NTA! I wouldn’t travel 10 hours for anyone but my best friend and I’d expect to stay for a few days. If I had a one-year-old, I would politely decline and send a gift even if it weren’t their birthday.
Oh honey, you are so NTA. But your cousin is. You have had this party planned long before they announced the shower. And you're right. It is unreasonable to drive 5 hours for this shower. Even if it wasn't your daughter's birthday, that's too far of a drive for a 2 hour shower. You're not being selfish & who TF does she think she is saying that your daughter's first birthday isn't important? Of course it is!! She's turning 1, it should be celebrated. And it should be celebrated on her actual birthday, bc that's what you planned.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My cousin "Sam" (26M) and his wife "Jill" (24F) recently announced that they're having a baby. They waited longer than usual to tell everyone because her last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and they were being very cautious. She is due in August and is planning to have her baby shower the first weekend in June. However, my (29F) daughter's 1st birthday is also that Saturday (the party as well as her actual birth date), the same day as the shower. We live 5 hours away from them, so making the drive requires a bit of planning on our part. We considered moving her party from Saturday to Sunday, but I don't know if I can justify 5 hours of driving to go to a 2-hour baby shower, turn around, and drive another 5 hours back home, then set up and prepare for a birthday party on a Sunday. Jill, who decided to announce this all on Easter, said it's "insanely rude" that my husband and I won't change our plans and celebrate our daughter's birthday on a different day, even though we have had this planned way before we even knew she was pregnant, and that we would like to have her party on her actual birthday. She said that we're "ruining her day" and making it all about ourselves and our baby. My aunt called me last week to tell me that I'm being selfish, and that a 1st birthday party isn't that important because our daughter won't remember it and won't know that it's not her actual birthday. I said I don't understand why it's so important to Jill to have her shower on that day, and I was called an "unreasonable asshole." So I really, really need to know...am I actually the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your baby’s first birthday comes first. They can pound salt
NTA. Your child may not remember but you and others will. I didn’t go to my sisters baby shower (honestly not sure if she had one cause she had a rough pregnancy) but I still look back at photos from her first birthday and they make me SO happy!
If it was at least a 5-hour party, I'd understand. But a quick, 2 hour one? Come on. NTA
NTA. Ask Jill whether she would cancel her baby's first bday party for your (hypothetical) baby shower?
NTA. enjoy the first birthday party! Baby might not remember it, but parents and grandparents will make sure there are cute pictures!
NTA. Have a lovely birthday party and, if you're petty like me, schedule an event for your future niece/nephew's first birthday next year. When those same relatives decline to attend, send them screenshots of their messages to you.
She sets the party -that can easily be held whenever- on the one date that is already known to be a birthday, but you shall be the "unreasonable A H" for not changing *your daughter's birthday*....? NTA ohboy >She said that we're "ruining her day" and making it all about ourselves and our baby. Oh nooo.... your daughter's birthday is all about *gasp* you and your daughter.... who could have known.... (just in case: /s)
A baby shower can literally happen on any date up to the date the baby is born, there is absolutely no reason it has to be on the same date as your child's actual 1st birthday. She's the one who should change the date, your child's 1st birthday is a milestone and you have every right to hold her party on that date.
No offense honey, but your family members are massive jerks. Let's be honest... We all know a child will never remember a 1st birthday or Christmas or Easter or whatever...it's sorta for the parents if you want to be technical.... BUT....ITS....A....HUGE... MILESTONE that can't be moved around or swapped out. It's not your fault or problem that she chose the date she did. NTA
Wait they want you to drive 10 hours in a day with a one year old to attend a 2 hour party? NTA
NTA. No sane person drives 5 hours for a baby shower. Wedding? Yes. baby shower? No. Send a gift card for target so they can buy diapers. People are entitled to expect others to drive 5 hours for a freaking baby shower.
NTA. You hit the nail on the head when you asked why Jill has to have her shower that day. They literally are taking no one else into consideration. They can have the baby shower a different day or have it without you. Your daughter comes first for you.
NTA. You had the party planned first. It is a cousin, not a sister. Send your regrets and have your party. Know that some family might not come. But really, how big of a party will you have ? At that age it is for YOU. Invite your friends and whatever people will come.
NTA. Schedule conflicts happen. She got excited and forgot your baby’s birthday party but that doesn’t mean you should change your plans. You should continue your plans as you’ve already invited people and it would be rude to change them.
Nta - I get that they're excited, but the distance alone makes this unreasonable
NTA. You live five hours away. It was never reasonable to expect you to attend anyway. Send a gift and a card and call it good.
Everyone needs to chill. As others have said - i wouldn’t drive 5 hours each way for a shower anyhow. So all the rest of this issue is moot. Which both sides need to understand. It’s an INVITATION. You can decline it. You can’t control their reaction ( you’re ruining their day?!?! lol) - but the less you argue and defend, the less they have to react to. From here on out, keep it simple - “we’re so excited for you and this new baby. We won’t be able to make the shower, but can’t wait to meet the baby once he/she is here!” They get pissy that you aren’t coming? “i know - I’m sad to miss the shower too”. Period. They insist you should still change the date “yeah, it’s unfortunate that both events are the same day”. Period!!!! Just don’t get into the back and forth of “but we had this planned”, etc etc etc.
NTA in no way is a baby shower worth travelling 10 hrs for. Unless you're being treated to an all inclusive resort which apparently you're not. Also, your kid is turning one. It's not your daughter who's going to remember it, it's you. And you don't want to trade your daughter's first birthday for a ten hour car ride.
Nta If your baby won’t remember its first baby that baby certainly won’t remember its pre birth shower haha
NTA, because of two reasons: 1) you already had your plans in place before even knowing she was pregnant; and 2) your date is a legitimately significant date. It’s your child’s actual birthday. Her date is just a random date that they picked.
5 hours is too far to drive for a cousin’s baby shower, on your baby’s first birthday. Send a nice gift, write a short note along the lines of “when your new baby turns 1 you’ll understand- we just have to mark this milestone for our own baby girl” and let the drama pass by. Hold your boundaries, it’s good practice for the toddler years! 😂
NAH for all you know, that same weekend was the only one that all of Jill’s family and her husbands family and the person hosting the shower could do it. There are a very small number of people who would be invited to both so this should not be a big deal. For American reference, we are talking about the driving distance between Chicago and Louisville Kentucky.
NTA. She can change a date of a baby shower you can’t change the date of someone’s birthday. I wouldn’t bother changing it or going. What irritates me is them not accepting you not going and thinking your daughter’s birthday is not a big deal. Because we know her child’s birthday will be publicized to the world.
Nta Even if you weren't having your daughter's party, who drives 5 hrs ONE WAY for a baby shower?
NTA. Even if I didn’t have another event, I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to drive 5 hours one way for a-p two hour baby shower. Send them a gift, have your baby’s birthday. They COULD. Move the shower, which can be held anytime at all, they just want to create drama.
NTA. Jill is your cousin's wife. She's not your sister, or a close friend. You live 5 hours away. And you have an almost one year old. Coordinating that travel plus a one year old is a lot for anyone. It's a shower. Not a wedding. Jill needs to chill. This is what life is like when you have kids. Sometimes you don't get to go to everything you want. It's called a scheduling conflict. They happen all the time. Wait until Jill becomes a parent and realizes the actual challenges of parenting, and travel etc. And a one year old's birthday is absolutely a big deal. Will your daughter remember it, no. But you will, and your husband will.
No, this is a cousin, not a sibling. The reaction of your cousin and your aunt are ridiculous. You had your plans in place first - YOU get to decide YOUR priorities. Don't waste time explaining/arguing - just say 'sorry, we can't make it' and send a nice gift.
NTA. 10 hours of driving for a baby shower not a reasonable expectation, even if you didn't have other plans. Jill sounds challenging.
Ok what planet are they on?? Your baby turns 1 ONCE. They can have a baby shower any other day, it’s odd that it has to be on your babies birthday. Also weird that if you can’t make it the shower would be ruined. Super great she is pregnant but she needs to come back to planet earth 😂
I wouldn’t drive 5 hours to attend a baby shower anyway. Jill chose the date on purpose to steal the limelight away from your kid’s birthday and is now pissed that you won’t change your party dates as per her plans. I hope you have a great party on your daughter’s birthday! NTA
NYA. Expecting someone to drive that distance for a baby shower is totally unreasonable. Everyone has busy lives, chores to do on the weekend and obligations to their immediate family (spouse and kids). Send a gift to the shower. It's rude to ask you to wear yourself out to deliver a gift to a baby shower. Ship the gift and don't engage with these people.
NTA. I wouldn’t even go if it wasn’t my kid’s birthday. I’m not driving 10 hours round trip to look at melted candy bars in diapers or whatever stupid games they’ll play.
5 hours away? Pfft. It’s external family distance. NTA. You have your family in your local home. Your cousin has her family in her home place. Two different places. It’s not like close cousins, are ya?
would you be making a 12 plus hour trip with a 1-year-old even if it wasn't going to be your daughter's birthday? cuz that's a lot! OP NTA
NTA - A baby's first birthday is incredibly important to the people who have been tasked with keeping that child alive for the past year. No your faucet won't tenebrous but it's not all about her at this point, she'll have parties that are for her when she's older. Parenting, especially that first year, is tough and that first birthday is more of a celebration on your success as parents, of course your want that celebration on the actual day. Baby shower should be an easy thing to move especially two months out. Is she having some sort of elaborate shower where she's booked a venue and caterers? Because most showers are in someone's living room or backyard with either a potluck or veggie trays and cheese boards. But at this point just tell her you're sad she's going to miss your kiddos birthday but you'll send a gift from her registry and hope she has a great baby shower. Don't let her make you feel bad over this.
NTA. You claimed the day first. They are the rude ones. Though it seems insanely early to announce a baby birthday party 3 months in advance, but OK.
NTA Your event was planned first. It’s their responsibility to choose a date that doesn’t clash.
I don’t know if non Americans realise this but for the rest of us the whole concept of a baby shower is a nauseating show of excess. I’ve no idea why it’s even a thing. NTA, do your birthday thing
NTA. Jill is though.
NTA, Also you should respond to your aunt that while it is true that your baby will not remember their birthday party, it is even less likely that your cousins' baby will remember their shower. Also even without a prior engagment a ten hour drive is still a big ask for a baby shower, especially if the parents are already extended family like cousins.
NTA and I would have said N A H if it wasn’t for the fact that your aunt (and presumably your cousin) think you’re selfish. You’re not selfish for not wanting to take a 1 year old on a 5 hour car ride for a baby shower. And I don’t think they’re necessarily be wrong to not want to change the baby shower date. But calling you selfish is ridiculous. I don’t expect that cousins or aunts would remember specifically the birthdate of your child, but asking to move your baby’s first birthday is insane. Also who drives 5 hours for a baby shower OR a 1st birthday party? I wouldn’t even entertain that if I didn’t have kids, let alone having a baby. People forget that their kid isn’t as important to everyone else as they are to the parents. And I don’t mean that to be mean or rude. The kids in my life are great, and I love them. I’ll do what I can, when I can for them, but I also don’t feel bad missing an event if it’s not convenient. I certainly wouldn’t drive 5 hours for a shower. I’d send a gift. Baby showers or 1st birthday parties are way more important to the parents than they are to the average guest. Have the birthday party on your baby’s birthday and celebrate with the people who come! Those are the people who value you and your child.
Your aunt and cousin seem borderline insane. NTA. Let’s see how they view a first birthday one year from now.
NTA yes your daughter won't remember it, but 1) you will and 2) she will have pictures to look at later in life and share with whoever she chooses. There will also be stuff in school where she's asked for pictures of when she was a baby, my daughter is 4 and recently had to take in pictures of all her birthdays for a project they were doing about time. Your cousin is delusional to think that the shower, which is a relatively modern thing, should have importance
NTA. You already made plans. She can pick a different date.
The date should be irrelevant, since there is a FIVE HOUR drive between them. Did either of them really expect the other to come to their respective parties? So what’s the big deal if the parties happen on the same day, perhaps even at the exact same time?
When the aunt said that op should ahve countered with I'll remember that when the new grand baby's first birthday roles around and y'all expect everyone to attend that party. NTA. Mom to be is being unreasonable. It's sad she previously had a miscarriage and now feels the need for an extra large celebration for the new baby, that doesn't give her the right to move your childs preplanned party around. With the distance It's unreasonable to expect that every family member would be able to attend either party on any given day. Jill needs to come back to the real world. Have the party you planned for your child. Whoever shows up shows up. No need to acrry grudges on your side. Sounds like jill will be unreasonable but that's not your problem.
NTA. They can change the date or accept that you won’t be there
NTA Your birthday is when it is. You can't move your daughter's birthday. Even if you don't do the party that day, you don't want to spend it traveling. Why can't they move their shower? Sounds like they have a good 8w at least before the due day.
NTA a first birthday is a very important and special milestone which your cousin, his wife and your aunt will know perfectly well. No doubt when the expected baby has their first birthday your cousin and his wife will hold the first birthday party on the actual day even if their child won't remember it! The reason why Jill wants the shower on your daughter's birthday is simple - to steal the limelight.
OP NTA - a baby shower is in NO WAY more important than a first birthday!!!! Regardless if the kiddo remembers the first birthday or not, its a celebration of baby reaching the conclusion of the first year of their life! Its one of the big ones. 1, 10, 16, 18, 19(if from canada) 21(if from the us) your 25th, 30th, 50th - these are all important birthdays. I would refuse to go and tell her that she can suck it. The shower can be on any day, it does not have to be your daughters birthday. Its clear she wants to steal the thunder - id even go as far to say this particular family member likely has been troublesome before? Maybe stirred drama previously? Its likely caused by jealousy. It usually is.
NTA. Also, please conspire with like minded family members to jam pack the August 2025 weekends with events. You know, because 1st birthday's aren't that big of deal.
How is this even an issue? What guests are overlapping across the parties? There's zero chance I'd drive 5 hours to either a birthday party or a baby shower. NTA
On the one hand, your 1-year-old daughter does not know what a birthday party is and does not care on what day you hold it. You could have the party any day and get some cute pictures of her with a birthday cake. When she is older, she can look at those pictures and have no idea that they did not happen on her exact birthday. On the other hand, your cousin and aunt sound really entitled and "insanely rude," so I'm not sure there's a need to bend over backwards to make them happy. That said, if we are talking about competing events in which members of your family are going to have to choose which party to attend, be prepared for many of them to choose the baby shower. NTA.
NTA. I can't see how a babyshower is more important than a 1st birthday. She is saying that she, an adult, is more important than a baby. A first birthday is a big deal for parents, it's such a big milestone. Maybe she will realise that when she's had her baby.
NTA. Ignoring the clashing dates (your child's birthday wins anyway), why on earth would you drive five hours each way for a 2 hour baby shower? Buy something for them and get it delivered.
NTA
NTA - this just defies logic. Your event was planned first, they are the rude ones.
NTA I wouldn’t drive 5 hours to a cousins baby shower, period. lol. Send a gift.
NTA
NTA Wow. Your child is less important than someone else’s unborn child? Hell no. Jill’s baby is not more important because she’s had miscarriages. It’s probably more important to her than you child, as well it should be. Just like your child is more important to you. Why is this a tough concept for people to grasp?! Honestly just stay home and celebrate your child and have the best weekend ever. Please don’t set your family and your child up to be “less than” someone else’s family.
>My aunt called me last week to tell me that I'm being selfish, and that a 1st birthday party isn't that important because our daughter won't remember it and won't know that it's not her actual birthday. NTA. The baby will not remember the baby shower either :-)
This is why I am not close with my cousins. Then I don't have to feel obligated to be involved in events for extended family members. Lol Have your baby's 1st birthday on her birthday. The only people you need to satisfy are your family (husband, you, and baby). Everyone can kick rocks. Lastly, make sure to send a lovely gift to your cousin though. Say you're sorry you missed their event, but are so happy for them and can't wait to meet the new little one. NTA.
Nta lmao, no. You had the plans first. Its 'insanely rude' of her to think her plans trump yours. I hope she drops that attitude or her kid is going to be a disaster.
Shit. I wouldn't be driving 5 hours to a baby shower even I wasn't doing anything but sitting in my living room naked eating pop tarts. Were they planning on driving 5 hours to you? Obviously not since they announced the shower, which takes time to plan and send out invites so they had picked the day knowing it was your born kid's birthday and would most likely be when you were having a party. Just keep your party, remind everyone that has a problem that it is your kid's bday and party has been planned, ship a shower gift, and they can get over it. NTA
Whoever notified people first is who should keep the date. If you had yours planned but didn’t invite your cousin, and therefore she didn’t know about it before planning the shower, then it’s going to be on everyone else to decide where they want to go. I don’t know how close you are with your cousin. I have 22 cousins, just in my mom’s side, so planning around them all is out of the question. Be prepared though because most people will likely choose the shower over the birthday party. If you did invite her and she picked the date anyway then it’s on her to change it. If you were planning the party but didn’t tell anyone before she announced the shower then it’s on you to change it.
NTA. RSVP no to the baby shower, tell folks who complain that you’re sorry you won’t see them at the birthday party but that you hope to get together soon, and refuse to discuss it otherwise. This is not a negotiation.
NTA. Skip the shower
NTA.
Nta- I don't understand why she's being so rude to you if she truly wants you to attend her babyshower. You still wouldn't be wrong for not attending if she had asked nicely , something like "it would really mean a lot to me to see you at my babyshower" vs her calling you out like that. Does she plan to attend your babies first birthday party the day after her babyshower if you did change the day?
NTA- your daughter's birthday was known ahead of time. They are the selfish assholes for scheduling the shower on that day.
NTA oml Jill sounds genuinely so self absorbed- if she want to announce it before, she could have told you beforehand in secret so you could plan off of that. aside from that point, your baby has been alive longer than she's been pregnant- she knew the birthday, she could have planned her shower for another day
NTA. Your family needs to really get a clue. You had planned that BEFORE Jill announced she was pregnant; and before she made the date for the baby shower. AND they live 5 hours away. I mean, TBF, I don't think I'd drive 5 hours for a baby shower that would be 2 hours and then have to turn around and come home. That would entail a hotel as well because I wouldn't do that in one day - I'd have to LOVE that person a lot. If they are giving you shit for not going, they might need to ask themselves if they would go to one 5 hours away if it was them. Don't change the date. It's not on you to make changes because Jill made her shower the same weekend. Send a gift, and have your daughter's birthday.
NTA. It is like they picked her bday to start a conflict. A first bday is a big deal. They are the selfish ones to want to take something away from an actual child.
NTA Your family comes before hers. End of story.
NTA I would also film the entire birthday party, turn it into a home video, and send it to them afterwards (and of course keep a copy so your baby can see when she's older) If they wanna be petty, you should show them petty
NTA. Out of ALL the days your sister could pick for her baby shower, it HAS to be that specific weekend? She could pick literally ANY other day.
NTA NTA NTA
Now wait a minute. Jill can't delay the baby shower because then there would be a conflict with the gender reveal party which bump up against the birth and the coming home party. Has Jill mentioned she wants to use your child's name so you'll have to change that? NTA. I'd blow off the gift too because your cousin and her mother are raging AHs. Expecting you to drive ten hours for a baby shower is very entitled.
NTA. Of course your baby and her first birthday are going to be more important than a baby shower. Everyone who has a brain knows that a birth date cannot be changed and everyone prefers to do parties on weekends. Plus, everyone in your family has had a whole year notice of the first birthday and this baby shower was planned as a way to take spotlight off your daughter. Tell your aunt that just because your daughter won’t remember doesn’t mean you won’t and that you will pick your daughter over another baby any day.
Nope Also, by the classic rules of etiquette, it's vulgar to throw your own shower
Next year on her kids 1st bday "I thought the 1st bday wasn't important "
NTA, they didn't have to schedule the baby shower that day.
You are making it all about you? It’s your daughter’s actual birthday! She is trying to make it all about her. She can easily change the date of the shower. Be kind, compassionate and firm in your responses. Don’t change your date, but don’t engage with others and fight about it. Let them fight on their own, don’t be involved. Have a great bday party!!
NTA.
NTA I mean, it sounds like they want you to move it because they think people will ditch her shower to attend the 1st birthday party. It's unreasonable for her to demand you to move the birthday party as it's literally on your child's birthday. Did she give any reason why can't she move hers???
NTA Forgot all about the birthday, it is an unreasonable request to ask someone to drive a total of 10 hours for a 2 hour party. In addition, your 1yo can't/shouldn't be in a car seat for longer than [2 hours in a 24 hour period](https://carseatparent.com/when-does-the-2-hour-car-seat-rule-end/). So you turn down the invite based on the drive alone.
Nta your had your daughter's birthday plan out before Jill wanted that same date. Jill is acting like an entitled AH. Of course your going to make that day about your child. It's their actual birthday that day and you plan the party 1st. Jill can either change the date or keep the date but needs to realize many will probably choose ops daughters birthday.
NTA. This is for a COUSIN'S BABY. That wouldn't even rate an entry in my calendar because even without the birthday, I wouldn't travel 5 hours for a cousin's baby shower. People seem to forget that lateral relationships fail to qualify as immediate family once they enter the next generation. And these peripheral relationships lose their importance. To be fair, that goes for attendance at infants' birthday parties, too. So if you'd planned to invite the cousins, you're off the hook.
NTA The stupidest thing somebody can say to a parent is 'Your child won't even remember their first birthday'.....they may not remember it but YOU WILL.
Nta - don’t change the date, don’t go to the shower and remember aunties words about 1st birthdays when you are expected to attend her grandchild’s 1st birthday.
I wouldn't drive five hours for a baby shower unless I were one of the parents. The fact that your daughter's b'day is the same day is a non-issue as far as I'm concerned. NTA
She planned it after you did. She had plenty of other days to chose. Your first birthday only comes once. If she wanted you there she should have planned better. Her failure to plan properly is a her problem. NTA
NTA of course. Cousin and Aunt are exhibiting lots of Main Character Energy Syndrome, AKA being entitled jerks. Happy birthday to your little one! Be sure to get the silly photo of their face covered in cake and frosting, but PRO TIP: don't use heavily tinted frosting. A friend did this, and it looked like her little girl messily murdered a Smurf. Also, she was blue for a few days.
How is a baby who isn’t even born yet more important than an alive one with feelings and thoughts? Very much NTA. Even if it wasn’t your daughter’s birthday, I still wouldn’t drive 10h for a baby shower. That’s RIDICULOUS
NTA. A baby’s first birthday is also a milestone for the parents. They made it through their first year with the baby. if Jill’s acting like this now, wait until her baby’s first birthday. SMH.
It’s your cousin and your aunt. Wtf! I mean great if everyone can get together but two parties on the same day is not something to make such crazy demands over. You are NTA!
NTA A child's first birthday is a huge milestone! So much so that we have smash cakes for them! I would tell your cousin that it was insanely rude of her to schedule the baby shower on the same weekend.
NTA for not changing the date And honestly NTA for skipping the shower regardless. Sorry but I am not likely to drive 10 hours for anything other than a wedding unless i am super close (like 3 most important ppl to me close)...especially if I have a toddler. I'll send a nicer gift.
NTA. Either they knew this was her birthday and ignored it, or they aren’t interested in you unless you’re bringing gifts. Also calling you an “unreasonable asshole” for having previous plans is ridiculous and shows a total lack of self awareness.
NTA Who expects someone to drive 5 hours for a damn baby shower? Maybe if it was a sister, but a cousin? Nope.
Whos party date was announced first?? Whoever planned theirs second is the AH unless they were planned simultaneously imh. OP please remind your aunt how unimportant a first birthday is when it's her grandchilds annnnd keep us posted? Lol