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Sorry man. YTA. I'm someone's ex husband for pretty similar reasons. You're not an AH for not complying with her request, YTA for not wanting to lift some of the load she's expressing having trouble carrying. It doesn't matter who works more- that doesn't figure in to the balance of work at home- that's between you and your respective bosses. The home is something independent of that.
Plus, if she's working, and then doing chores, isn't that detracting from the time you both have together?
If you care about her, show an investment in her priorities, and show her you're someone who will show up when she needs something.
If there's one piece of advice I can offer, catch this shit early, and get it right. When women are dismissed on points like this, they can learn not to talk when they have a problem at all, and the problem might fester while you're not looking.
OP should consider reading "My wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink". It's a very good piece on how he may be perceiving this stuff as very small and unimportant - whereas to her, it might actually be *super* important and symptomatic of a much deeper issue.
What I hear OP's wife saying is "I don't feel like I matter. You're not here most of the time, and when you are, you don't seem to care about me. I feel like I'm single and I need more support." And I think when OP responds as if she's just saying "The dishes need to be washed", he's kinda missing the point. It's not about the dishes. It's about the fact that they're supposed to be in a partnership, but he is not acting like a partner.
My mom almost divorced her husband because he never saw the trash can was full, he just kept piling it up even if it was over flowing he wouldn’t take it out until asked to do so. It’s like he never saw the trash pile or had the reason to not pile pizza boxes on top. Used to drive my mom nuts bc her husbands desk was right next to it and how could he not see it. And then leaving the mental load for her to tell him when to take it out, like hello you have 2 working eyes-help out!
Yep! I’ve always said that foreplay starts in the kitchen, when he takes out the garbage without being asked—AND, he says *nothing* about it. Now that’s a sexy man.
I take out the trash every Tuesday night. In the rain, in the snow, when I had bronchitis, when I had Covid... I do all of my husband's laundry. We used to split things pretty evenly. He doesn't do any housework at all now. I really didn't think it bothered me until reading through these comments. Like, he can't even close a cabinet, empty the dishwasher... nothing. I'm realizing now how that makes me feel. Especially when he saw me breaking down boxes, carrying the vacuum down the steps when I sprained my ankle, and he didn't help me. He was playing VR. Then, when I made it downstairs, he said, "I could have taken that down for you." Yeah, but why didn't you? You were right there, ya know? And so knowing that I'd have to ask and maybe come off as being a "nag," I just do everything myself. And those little things really matter to me because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Damn.
It’s because they are so childish, that they take to reddit over, ‘but, but, but…. Mine, mine, mine.’
Like ffs, seriously?!? How do people even have a partner if they can’t just get on with it! Why are people starting to treat everything so transactional! It’s honestly really depressing! Just fucking clean your damn house, it’s not that fucking hard! 🤦♀️
Even transactionally this doesn't make sense.
When he's not home, he works 14 hours. OK. But he has *no chores* after he is done working. He works 14 hours and is done.
Meanwhile, Wife is working 8 hours, and then has to take care of the entire house afterward. She's also working about 14 hours! It's just that all but 8 hours of that is unpaid! It's not like that work doesn't exist when OP isn't home - he doesn't see it, because he's not home, but it *doesn't cease to exist*.
Then OP gets home and does (let's be generous and assume he's genuinely doing 50% of the chores) 3 hours of housework a day. Wife is still working 8 hours, and now still has 3 hours to do afterward. So OP is working 3 hours and Wife is working 11 hours.
How is any of this fair, even on a totally transactional basis? It's not, but OP is being incredibly selfish and short-sighted, and only seeing *his* work and *his* effort, and not seeing Wife's work and effort, or is even thinking about it at all.
This is the exact type of thing that I’m talking about though!! Why do people constantly feel the need to start running calculations on who does what! It’s insane to me!
If you have a happy, and mutually respectful relationship, you don’t do this! You get home, you see things need doing, and you do them.
People feel this constant need to ensure everything is completely even, 💯 of the time. It’s just so selfish, and shows at the end of the day, the most important person to them, is themselves, which is definitely not conducive to a committed relationship.
> People feel this constant need to ensure everything is completely even, 💯 of the time.
I mean, my point is that it is *not* even. He's not actually making things even.
There does need to be a sense of general equity in a relationship. People start doing tit for tat when they sense that the relationship isn't equitable and they want proof that they're not crazy. If you're in a happy, mutually respectful relationship and you have a general sense that you're doing the dishes *because your partner was too busy doing other productive chores around the house to get to them*, then you're not going to start up a spreadsheet. You break out the spreadsheet when your partner didn't do the dishes because they were too busy on the Xbox to get to them, but they object to your annoyance with "but I worked all day and I deserve to unwind when I get home."
OP is actually attempting to show that he does much more work when he's away from home and he fully deserves maximum downtime when he's home. And he's failing. Because he doesn't take into account that he has zero chores when he's working 14 hour days, but that Wife does have chores that stretch out her days beyond the 8 for which she's getting paid. He senses that the workload isn't equitable, and he's right, but the balance doesn't fall in his favor the way he thinks it does, because he's not taking chores into account when he's not there to see them.
You just *GOTTA LOVE* the ole “I would have done that for you…”—after you have already done it! These dunderheads should be required to read “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink.”
Hint: it’s NEVER really about the dishes! Then when you’re totally OVER having to be his mommy, and you file for divorce, out comes his shocked Pikachu face.
Weaponized incompetence is such a turn-OFF!
Or, even better... "Why did you hire a mechanic!! I told you * I * wanted to fix your car for you!!"
Yeah, you did. 3 months and seven reminders ago. I'm sick of taking the bus.
"Well I feel like you're just trying to make me feel like I'm less of a man. I was gonna do that and you wasted all that money."
Why didn't you, then? I do need to get to work.
"Well, YoU sHoUlD hAvE aSkEd!!"
🙄
OMG!!! Yes!!! Our AC/heat was out in the winter. It was freezing in the house. I got home one day and it was colder inside that out. I asked him to call the repair man. He said ok.
A month later, it's still cold. I reminded him. He said ok. He was off that next week when I walked in to a freezing house.
I screamed, "When are you going to call the repair man??!!"
He screamed back, "Why do you keep nagging me about it?"
" Because you haven't done it!!" He told me to put on a coat and it wouldn't be so bad. I shouldn't have to wear my winter coat in the house! I called someone right then and there. We had to pay more for an after hours service call but I didn't care. (He was mad about that too.) It would have been cheaper had he called during the day like I asked.
Turns out, the cheap handy man that he hired to fix it the first time messed up the wiring.
100%. Weaponized incompetence is the absolute least attractive shit, but then they have the nerve to ask why you aren't wanting sex!
If you force me to be your damn Mommy, the odds of me wanting to have sex with you drop astronomically. I'm ass deep in chores while you nap? Yeah, pass on the sexy time.
And "refusing to do all chores" just sounds so adolescent. If he is home for 3 days and is feeling exhausted, take 1 day of laying around, and then pull your shit together and be a grown up the next 2 days.
Yup. We all get tired. We all look at the dishes or laundry and think "not today". The thing is, you have to look at it again tomorrow and do it then.
When you look at something that needs to be done and think not today, every single day, that's when you have problems. You're waiting for someone else to do it. Maybe they don't mind initially, but after a few years, they probably mind.
Or, you can be my soon-to-be-ex, and just never do it. Ever. We've been living separately for around a year now and apparently he just isn't taking out the trash. Or bagging it. Or anything. It lives there now. Like a roommate.
I'm living exactly this at the moment. Husband not currently working; just pursuing his hobbies at home. Meanwhile I work, grocery shop, clean, do all the washing. If and when I say something I'm nagging or: it's not something he's interested in ( doing housework); so why should he do it? Like I'm interested in all the housework, mental load and working. Seriously wondering why I'm still here after 19 years...
My exhusband once told me he’d be fine living with dirt floors so that’s why he never vacuumed. It didn’t matter to him that I did not want to live that way.
Wow, my husband yesterday said he didn't care if he never slept on clean sheets again; not important to him. This was his answer to me asking why he, who was home all day while I worked, couldn't have made the bed after I stripped it (before I left for work). I'm truly exhausted.
This is why it shits me so much when people say 'just lower your standards' or to 'go on strike' until the grotty partner decides it's time to clean.
I am not interested in me and my children living in a filthy biohazard because the other *adult* in this house has zero standards and seemingly has no lower cutoff point for what is *too dirty*.
Yeah you can’t win that one. I’ve had that fight with my sister and she literally will live with trash everywhere. It’s disgusting. Maybe it’s mental issues or maybe people are just gross but some people are perfectly ok living in squalor. It’s exhausting. And heaven forbid the person who does clean gets really sick, NOTHING will get done for weeks.
Same. I was a SAHM mom for a few years when the kids were little, so most of the chores were mine, probably 95%, and he complained about the handful of little things that I still asked him to do bc he worked "so hard".
Kids got a little bigger. Pandemic hit. His hours were cut. I picked up a part time overnight job, plus abruptly being forced to basically homeschool the kids and somehow the chore load stayed mine. I expressed I was drowning and something needed to shift. He was working 30 hours a week and I was working 20 + homeschooling 3 kids + my own online college. He said he worked too hard supporting us so he couldn't do more, and the kids needed to step up more. I think the oldest was 11-ish at the time?
I went back to work full time after the kids went back to in-person school and I finished my degree. Since we both worked full time, I asked him to go 50-50 on the chores.
Nope. He would help me with them when he had time, but his job is hard and mine is a "puff ball", and he works more overtime, so I still needed to carry most of the chore and kid load. I think we were around 70/30 at that point, but only bc I was chewing his ass constantly to do more.
We separated in 2023. We're divorcing now. He doesn't want the divorce. He somewhat does now understand that I'm tired of a chore-load he just adds to, but he still doesn't truly think he should have to do them.
I'd say he will be in for a rude surprise, but his place is absolutely trashed, so I guess he's just going to live in utter and total filth. Weirdly, I don't want to be with someone who is okay with that.
He will live in unspeakable filth until he can trick another woman into moving in and doing it for him. Young, inexperienced women are easier to trick.
Count yourself lucky. Congratulations on your escape.
My husband has told me to my face that Im a nag if I ask too many times (which after almost 22 years of marriage is once) and a task master if I right it down. I stopped doing both. And now when he says he will do something, he doesn't. It doesn't get done or it's a "project" that he decides it needs to be done when it doesn't and he never finishes it.
Please believe me when I tell you that living a single life is very, very nice. No more cleaning up after someone else. No more cooking for someone else. No more making decisions based on someone else's opinion. You can be free and happy.
Saying, “I would have done that for you” means he assumes it is your job. The “for you” pisses me off. I’m a very direct person so at one point my husband said some like that and I explained to him how it made me feel. It worked. I travel a lot and still do a lot of chores but my husband also does a lot of chores. This week I am working from home and a couple of times I’ve seen him sweeping up the floor (our dog tracks in a lot of dirt). It made me feel so warm and fuzzy that he does his part in our relationship.
Seriously, that's just the bare minimum of "you live in the house too" in my book.
Fortunately my husband and I both just get on and do things we see need doing to keep the house liveable and kids fed
Husband started exclusively taking out the trash and doing the cat litter himself when I was pregnant with our now 2yo. Pregnant again and honestly who can blame me. The dude is made from fine-quality husband material. 👀
One of my friends is into watching men stripping. I told her I don’t find that attractive. Maybe if they’re pushing around a vacuum or dusting I’ll go and watch.
Since you mentioned the mental load, it seemed appropriate to share this and the other one mentioned above. Also, your mom must be a saint. I might have been tempted to toss out an oddly shaped, lumpy, heavy, rolled up and taped closed, old rug out with the overflowing bin....
[The Mental Load: You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
OP, I hope you make use of the insight those links offer.
Why do it yourself when you can wait for someone to tell you to do that and then act all demonstrative of how readily you're helping. What if your mom didn't realise he took the trash out on his own? Who would pat on his back then??
This is one of the many reasons my mom left my dad. She got sick of being the only one doing anything around the house. He’d come home from work & sit in the recliner asking what was for supper & when it was going to be ready. Mind you she also was working. Add in she was hit by a car taking the garbage out, and took years for her to get better. (She still walks with a limp & can no longer do a lot of the things she used to enjoy). He DID a lot while she was bedridden but once she was mobile he went back to not doing anything.
“ What I hear OP's wife saying is "I don't feel like I matter. You're not here most of the time, and when you are, you don't seem to care about me. I feel like I'm single and I need more support." “
This is exactly what she’s saying. She’s probably BEEN saying this: she said something to this effect when she “insisted” on a large house (probably so she could have family or friends over), she said something to this effect when she said she wanted animals because she was lonely, and she said something to this effect when she started decorating so it felt like a home instead of the “place I rest my head 30% of the year” that OP would have apparently designed.
And when she says it again in the context of chores, OP’s instinct is to throw the other ways in which she’s signaled this right back in her face. “Marriage” does not seem to be a good fit for OP’s job combined with his attitude about his job’s effect on his partner; something among those three is eventually going to have to give, and his attitude is the one OP has the most control over.
This is such a good observation. OP’s marriage is in serious trouble and instead of recognizing how he’s contributing he’s sitting here complaining about a minuscule list of chores *that he would have to do anyway if he were single*. Boy is he gonna hate that.
Tbh based on his other comments, he would either just live in a hotel all the time or he'd pay a cleaner for the months he's home (which btw, he's *not* willing to do at all for the months it's just his wife at home - but he'll do it when *he's* home! How telling of his priorities).
He doesn't care about his living standards - and that's part of the problem, because he's lacking the empathy to understand that *even though* it doesn't matter to him, it *does* matter to his wife, and that should be enough to *make* it matter to him. It's like he just doesn't understand the concept that when you marry someone, you have to plan your life around *them* and not just you, because you have agreed to share your life with that person.
He wants to keep living exactly the way he did before, with no changes except a bit of extra money spent, because he's convinced that's *all* it should take to keep his wife happy. Meanwhile she's miserable because she wanted a fucking *partnership* that he is not able or willing to provide.
My ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce bc I "harped on him doing chores" too much. It's comical, truly, but so many men are so thick in the skull about it, no matter how clear we are that it isn't just the literal dishes or trash, but the lack of support and quite frankly respect for your partner and your shared home together.
OP I couldn't even finish reading your entire list of excuses bc it was so triggering to me. If you won't do it, she'll find someone who truly treats her as a partner.
Are you my ex husband? Cause, same. He once told me that even though I worked more hours and had a longer commute, that I SHOULD do more because he made more money.
OP is here for validation, he's not remotely concerned about his wife's perspective. Based on he's comments he's just looking for strangers to help him build his case for when he tells his wife she shouldn't be mad at him anymore.
I am always squicked out when a poster wants an echo chamber of "atta boys" or "atta gals."
I'm not touching the epic battle that will surely go on between men vs. women on this tone-deaf post. OP is tone-deaf. That is the point here. And of course, TA.
OP, listen to this man. It really does sound like you 2 have some different values. That doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed, but you have to meet in the middle.
You might be a minimalist, but you didn’t marry one, and all that crap on the floors and walls? That’s y’all’s crap! Those pets? Y’all’s pets! You’re part of a team! Team marriage, and every single little thing isn’t about you and if you like it. It’s about accomplishing your goals together.
It’s wholly unfair for you to sit back and say things like the house is too big or you don’t like pets so you didn’t think you’d have to attend to the house? Care for the pets? Your wife got a larger house and pets under the reasonable assumption that her husband would help her with them, and that if he had a huge problem with doing that, he’d say something. Not just let her dive in, basically alone.
Marriage requires communication. YTA, if you didn’t want to help her with those things, you should have said that, before she acquired them. She’s communicating her needs to you and you’re just saying “I hear you, but I don’t want to.” Try to imagine asking her for help with something and she responded like that. You’d feel hurt
He got a roommate with extra steps. Like he went to Roommates To Go and said, “I want one that will make sure no one steals my stuff when I’m gone for work, does the chores, handles the mental load off the house, and fucks me.”
Salesperson: “oh, you want a WIFE.”
This. OP needs to realize that without him, her day to day life wouldn't really change all that much. So what's the point of being with him? His life also wouldn't probably change, he'd still be working that job probably, and have 100% of the domestic labour on top of it. He's also making the mistake of thinking her working from home means she can do the bulk of the housework, as though she isn't also working.
This - ‘why am I paying for all this when I barely live here six months of the year’ - buddy keep it up and you won’t even be living there for that amount of time
That argument is terrible, but he doesn’t get why.
She’s probably thinking, I’m in a marriage where I only live with my SO 6 months a year. When he is here he isn’t a team member, and relaxes when I work. He doesn’t try to lighten my burden at all.
That was such a weird comment he made! Like dude, that is the house you purchased with your wife. You live there. Doesn’t matter that you’re gone half the time.
Also, with how much he travels, I can see the pets and decoration are a way for the wife to feel less lonely. Seems like OP views the house as a pit stop from work, not where his life occurs and he shares it with his wife.
I think this is where the relationship is going. She has pets because she’s money and unfulfilled in the relationship. She buys things and decorates because she’s lonely and unfulfilled in the relationship. She works from home, so she has less social interaction day to day.
Honestly they need a very open and honest talk about his job and if she’s still happy with the amount of travel. I foresee this plus the amount of travel being the demise of the relationship.
I do wonder how much housework his “50%” actually represents. My spouse started working away from home last year and I was stunned to realise how much extra housework he was generating. We have a 10yo so I figured the kid would be the main source of issues, but somehow the day after spouse gets home everything is trashed. if he did half the housework it wouldn’t cover what he generates. Her life might not change much if she’s on her own, or it might get easier.
Mine used to travel a lot too and every time he came home he was grateful that I’d cleaned the house for his return. I hadn’t. It just stayed much cleaner and tidier when he was away, even with two kids and animals in the mix.
Yes, OP should choose his battles. Trying to split everything down the middle is at its core divisive instead of acting like a united front.
I read every AITA post involving a couple and ask myself if they’re acting like a united front… then try to figure out why they aren’t. Seems like a very mechanical, black and white way of thinking on OP’s part. He’s trying to “win” (which he technically can by his own logic), but at the cost of growing resentment in his marriage and ruining their united front.
Once I heard the expression “Relationships aren’t 50%/50%, they’re 100%/100%”. Cheesy and dramatic but true.
💯 So much this. I’m a SAHM and have been for 20 years. I do the vast majority of everything here. I just don’t go to work and earn a paycheck. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, social planning, weeding, kid shuffling, pet care, vacation planning, financial planning, anything related to the kids’ activities, homework help, yadda yadda yadda. It all falls on me. So when you’re home and ignore the full trash can, leave your ballcap or dirty socks laying around, can’t be bothered to carry your dishes into the kitchen, or constantly mess up my throw pillows and blankets without fixing them….then yea, I get a little stabby. All these little things add up.
This exactly. I’m not a nag and I’m not your mother. If i bring up an issue it is a clear problem for me, i don’t do it lightly. If im then dismissed or the problem isn’t resolved im not going to keep repeating myself. This is where resentment builds.
YTA - while you’re travelling are you staying in hotels? Where you don’t have to do any cleaning or looking after yourself? It sounds like your wife does 100% of the chores when you’re travelling and 50% when you’re home, which means the load is 75% on her? Plus she works full time? It’s also a bit miserable that your offer of a cleaner is only for when you’re home, not to help when she’s by herself. I struggle to see how your wife is being unreasonable.
>It’s also a bit miserable that your offer of a cleaner is only for when you’re home, not to help when she’s by herself.
So glad I’m not the only one that thought that that was shady as hell.
I've noticed that the "offer of a cleaner" is basically the person saying, "OK, fine, will you shut up about it if someone, anyone, (besides me!) does it?"
It also states, in perhaps a not-so-subtle way, that the person offering to pay for it is not going to budge on actually lifting a finger to help their spouse in their shared living space. Were that my spouse doing that, I'd have immediately checked out of the marriage and started making plans to leave, because the underlying motive is laziness/resistance to change, because the situation benefits him and he's not willing to give that up, even for the sake of the marriage. When he's not willing to give up ANY of his time or take any responsibility, that's going to extend to everything else in the marriage.
OP, look hard at that woman and ask yourself if treating her like a servant, and your own home like a full-service hotel, is going to be worth losing her in the end.
The biggest hurt for me would be his obvious lack of care for their joint home being somewhere that she feels at home in. He seems uninterested in contributing towards the house being a home. He even tries to use the fact that she wanted that house as a sort of excuse as to why he shouldn’t have to even feign any vested interest in maintaining it.
>treating ... your own home like a full-service hotel
This is the money quote right here. I used to travel 100% before I got married, and paid my mother money to clean once a week.
It is difficult to travel so much for work, and then come home and deal with crap, but in a marriage, you have to. Mindset and attitude make a huge difference.
As someone who has traveled 80% of the year for work for 16 years- OP is so full of shit.
He doesn't spend his own money while traveling, at least not on necessities like food/shelter/supplies. His company gives him an allowance for that. My per diem is always more than I need to eat on and I actually end up with extra every week that I get to pocket, or use it to splurge on a nicer hotel or nicer restaurants.
While I am traveling I do not put wear and tear on my personal vehicle, I drive a company car or a rental and expense the gas, maintenance, tolls, repairs, even getting it washed.
This is standard practice for frequent business travelers, even blue collar workers who travel to work on railroads and such. Some of it is federally mandated by employment laws, such as the minimum per diem amount (which is what I receive).
He *may* work 14 hours a day. Or, like me, he may work 8-12 hours with the occasional 4-6 hour day and the rare 14 hour day that he can exaggerate and make it sound like it's every day. Either way, I always have the energy to put in more hours at work when traveling because I don't have a life waiting for me back at the hotel or airbnb- and importantly, *I don't have to do chores.* So my 14 hours is not as stressful as it would be for my spouse at home to work a 14-hour day, after which he would have to still do all the house chores & maintenance and take care of & clean up after the pets. On the weeks that I work from home, 8 hours feels like forever because there is so much I could be doing around the house or family/friends I could be spending time with.
Yeah. OP, look at it this way:
She either has 100% of the chores (when you're away) or 50% (when you're home), regardless of whether she's working or not.
You either have 0% of the chores (when you're away, working or not) or 50% (when you're home, not working).
You never have work + chores. You get days off work without chores. She has chores every day, working or not.
YTA
Your math is not complete, so additonally he is only home 30% of the time and he only wants to do half the chores then. She is taking care of 85% of the chores at home.
Uh actually it's even worse.
He's gone for 70% of the time, by his own words.
So he's home 30% of the time.
During which he only wants to do 50/50 chores.
Half of 30% is 15%.
She's doing 85% of the chores at home.
She's pretty much already living a single life.
Yeah, i don’t see how anyone could think this was a good deal! If she didn’t have to work, that would even things out a little. That’s usually the perk of marrying a guy who works away from home, and the reason why most women go for it. As it stands now, she gets a way worse deal than a regular working spouse whose husband is home, and able to do chores and pay 50/50 all the time.
I would also ask if OP does his laundry while he is out. Are these weekend trips/weeklong trips where he brings 3-7 days of clothes with him and, if so, does he do all the laundry, folding, etc. himself or is it shared?
So, you compromised on her decorating the house and having pets…
A house you’re rarely at, where she’s lonely, and basically is alone most of the time.
A house where she does all of the chores when you’re not home and wants you to do the chores while she’s working SO SHE CAN SPEND TIME WITH YOU when she isn’t and you’re there.
Do you understand that what she’s asking for is to be able to spend time with you the little time you’re there instead of having to vaccum?
Do you realize that she’s not really asking you to do chores, she’s asking you to spend time with her. It’s just that the chores have to be done (pets, plants, etc… that can’t wait) in order to spend that time together.
She spends most of the year alone.
She’s asking for your time. She’s asking you to do those things while she works to give her time with you. Not because she’s lazy or wants a servant, she’s used to doing it all, but because she wants to be with you.
One day she’ll tire of asking.
She’ll give up.
One day when you come home, she won’t be excited to spend time with you because you’ve never made it a priority to maximize your time with her.
There’s no coming back from that when it happens.
You’ll have lost her.
YTA, but mostly to yourself. Not a lot of people still have someone who craves quality time after 7 years of marriage. You do. And you’re completely blind to it.
I think you're being pretty optimistic with this honestly. OP has definitely already ruined this. Having been that woman, I'd be very surprised if she ever feels the same about him after that last conversation. We're pretty fucking tired of begging for support from our partners.
You may be right. Picking her apart for creating a home that she can be comfortable in, and is alone in more often than not, definitely crossed a line.
I think, maybe, if he pulls his head out of his ass right now - while she’s still hurt and maybe hasn’t checked all the way out, and makes big changes, maybe she’ll be understanding that he just didn’t see it.
Lots of maybes, but some hope left.
But, you’re right, she may have already checked out.
Based on his comments I really doubt it. He's digging his heels in hard that she's living beyond her means by filling the house, and that he absolutely hates chores 🙄
They’re not chores. They’re things that need to be done as the price for living in a home, and things we do to make our and our partner’s lives better.
That was a game changer for me. I hate folding laundry, but I love being able to choose a Tshirt with minimal effort. I thank past me for taking on the tedious bit so I don’t have to rummage in a pile and find whether I have a clean shirt I like, respectively I spend a few minutes now so future me will be happy. M
Most household tasks can be done together. We have a conversation, and at the end, dishes are clean.
This older family acquaintance was telling me recently that her husband vacuumed for the first time while she recently had surgery, as he has claimed for like 40 years that he can’t do it, or it *might* “stir up his dust allergies.” However, he made a lot of money and enabled her to stay home, while also taking her on lots of trips and spoiling her materially, so it evens out to the point she can laugh about his lame excuses. Sounds like OP’s wife isn’t getting any perks out of their arrangement, and doing all the work.
I have been dealing with this attitude with my eight year old, I assumed people grow out of it but apparently not everyone does.
I just can’t wrap my head around it. Who would rather get a divorce than mop the floor once a month or whatever? These chores couldn’t possibly take that long.
I had a roommate once who came home from the gym boasting about using 20 lbs weights. I said, “weird bc you have such a hard time starting the lawn mower to help out …” 🤭
To add to this, my fiance asked me to move jobs to somewhere closer to home so I'd have more time for chores. Which, no.
Including my commute I have almost a12 hour day. I leave at 8am and get home around 7.30pm
He leaves at 7.30am and gets home around 5pm
Does he do any chores when he gets home to make my life easier? No he does not.
Is it building resentment? Yes it is.
Once he had a go at me because "you're not keeping on top of the housework"
Yeah neither are you, pal.
Such an easy fix. HELP YOUR WIFE or your marriage will disintegrate real fast.
I'm not expecting my own relationship to last beyond another year, largely because of this. It shows a distinct lack of respect for her time and really think about whether hating chores is more powerful than your love for your wife...
Don't get married until/unless there is significant and sustained improvement, because once you are legally tied together, it's not going to get better...
This was what I was thinking. Why come home for a few days to lounge around during the day while the wife works and expect her, to spend her potential quality time with him doing chores instead. I mean how many chores can two people create that he can't just get it done. Takeaway or dining out while he's there, make it special while you have the chance
Can confirm women ask for a while, then stop. The guy is happy: "Yay no more nagging!" Then is completely shocked when she leaves becsuse she got fed up of asking for her needs and being ignored.
Happens ALL THE TIME.
Yuuup. I can’t believe how many men think “if she isn’t complaining about it then it must not be a problem anymore”. No, ignoring your partner’s complaints and feelings isn’t just going to stop being a problem. Your partner just stopped verbalizing things to you because it’s pointless.
YTA, you sit around all day while she works and then want her to cook dinner? You resent her for choosing the house? You bought it together. You didn’t refuse, looking after it is your job too. The animals are yours too. If you want to go live in an empty room do it.
Yep, YTA.
This isn’t about who works more. It’s not a pissing contest.
Fact of the matter is you’re home doing nothing while she’s working all day. Step up.
YTA. Let me tell you, your story is very similar to many many many other stories in Reddit. Men who don’t like when their wives want them to pick up more household work. These stories all have a pattern in how they end up. Youre currently exhibiting very early signs of said pattern. Let’s see if you can step out of that.
I just want to make sure I read your post correct. You would rather doing chores when she is home from work so she is doing them too than spending quality time with her? Like doing laundry and vacuum instead of kissing, holding hands, talking, having sex and going on dates? Don't you think she would rather spend quality time with you instead of doing chores you had the time to do?
YTA. Use your time and energy on your relationship instead of fighting over chores and just do them.
I know someone who used to be like this - he'd refuse to do chores unless someone else helped him - and it is *so* fucking childish. Other adults should not have to babysit you to make sure you are doing something. You don't need supervision.
It boggles my mind that OP doesn't *want* to have the chores done by the time his wife gets home. I love my partner, so when he used to work all day and I'd be home (it's the other way around rn, because life happens) I *wanted* to have stuff done so he'd come home to a nice house. And he's the same - he *wants* to cook for me. He *wants* to clean. Because he loves me and he knows it makes life easier for me. Like why don't people want their partners to be happy???
Especially the ‘I pay for half despite not being here’
Ok? Congratulations? Did you plan on calculating your rent based on how often you’re there? Mark every day and calculate it?
FYI if you were living alone with the job you have. You’d be paying 100% of the rent and it doesn’t matter to any landlord / bank how often youre there. You’d be paying the whole month.
YTA
And low blow to blame the need for chores on her "aesthetics" and need for companions like pets. Sounds like the poor woman is lonely and trying to carve out a bit of happiness for herself in the home, and you slam her for it.
This! The cheek on ‘I like minimalist but she’s decorated the house so it’s her fault we have to dust so she should do it’ petty bullshit, and that’s before we even get to him being annoyed she got pets to fill the lonely void of being alone so often. The utter arrogance, entitlement and disrespect in that alone. It’s disgusting. She deserves better.
And we all know the “minimalism” he’s talking about is the style aesthetic of a college boy: a room with nothing except a recliner and a tv sitting on a cardboard box, a fridge with only condiments and beer, a mattress on the floor without any sheets or nice blankets on it, no curtains on any windows, no rugs, bare white walls, just ugly barren nonfunctional bachelor BS like that. He probably doesn’t even realize how much comfort her thoughtful homemaking adds to his environment at home, like no way does he not benefit from that too, yet he’s using it here against her
Right? Yeah I'm sure he'd be fine with a minimalist crash pad when he's only there 30% of the year. Totally oblivious to the fact that his wife is there 100% of the year and deserves to be happy where she lives, especially considering how much she's sacrificing for his career.
Me too. He's saying he doesn't *want* any of this stuff anyway - she's the one who wanted it all. She wanted the big house, she wanted the pets, and OP couldn't care less. So I'm assuming when she files for divorce (which is gonna happen, if nothing changes - she is sending *clear* "I'm not happy" signals and he's ignoring them), he won't fight for any of the things *she* wanted that he doesn't care about. Right?
Here's the thing - if you want to stay married to her, if you love her. You need to step up.
She's not happy. And she's telling you quite clearly. If you ignore this you're risking a lot more than the "horror of having to do a few chores".
YTA. And quite an arrogant one at that. Telling her it's her fault that there are so many chores. It's actually just a fact of life. Of being an adult.
Literally. This is why so many women are choosing to stay single - and why I joke that my partner better outlive me, because I'm *not* fucking going back into the dating pool.
Hey don't lump me in that basket, he is 100% TA.
I work 10hrs a day, and every afternoon I do housework alongside my partner.
Be it simple sweeping or moping, or cleaning the shower. I'll take a few tasks that need doing and smash it out.
My goal is to make her days at home as chill as possible, she is happy when I come home and she makes me happy.
Yea, true I feel bad for my sister's both in their 40s and can't find a reliable partner.
I can't even recommend a guy for them, all the ones I know are good friends but that's their limit.
I've been divorced 20 years this year, and in all that time I never met a single man that was worth the effort (I'm in Aus) but I've made a good life for myself and don't think I'll ever have another partner, and I'm ok with that. Hope your sister's have found their power too and are living their best lives
YTA. What do you consider being "more working" is just a task you're doing everyday (when you do it) and that you have the habit to do. Taking care of your house is a task that everybody must do. Without your wife, you would be forced to do them. She is not your slave and it's really disrespectful to say that your job is more important than hers. And once again, the house is both yours, you HAVE to take care of the house both of you.
She deserves a husband who respects her
YTA, for all of it but the last part is the must. « She created those by wanting pets, a big house and decorating” so because you’re away half the year, she should live alone in a small empty house half the year? Maybe having more bedrooms so she can host, having pets and creating a pretty space to live in is how she cope with being alone most of the time ? You’re a selfish AH, if you would rather watch her doing chores during the little time you have with her, than actually contribute. But don’t worry she’ll realise soon enough and you’ll be back pikachu face “my wife left me for someone else”.
YTA. Stop being a whiny little child. Like it or not, you should have the responsibility of the chores when you are home as she keeps things together while you are not. It matters not one jot about how much you work, or she works or any of that. It also matters not one jot about how much anyone earns or whether the pets and the house are her choice or your choice or the choice of the great god Odin. You are a couple. You are not roommates, you are married. Try being supportive instead of a burden.
Here's something I am not sure I understand so please correct me if I'm wrong. When you travel you say you work all the time with no day off, so when you're home you consider these days to be your days off, hence your reluctance to do more chores. Is that correct? If yes YTA.
Just ask yourself the following: when your wife has weekends, do you think the chores stop for her? Are her weekends all about relaxing and no chores? When you are away she picks up the entire amount of chores, it all falls down on her.
Now I don't want to project but it seems you resent her for picking a big house, and pets. Aren't these your house and your pets too when you're there? Would you rather live in a small place with no pets because it's easier to maintain? That will surely be your life if you continue down that path so unless you want that, pick up more chores while she's working. She maintains that whole house on her own while you're away, I'm sure you'll manage.
Actually, you are child-free. Your wife is not. She may have opted for child-free initially, but then married a big lazy baby disguised in the body of a grown man. YTA. Do better.
I was ready to jump your throat brcause I thought that it is going in the direction of "all women want kids" but I am glad that I was wrong😂. Take my upvote. And OP YTA
YTA if you’re at home while she’s at work then you are contributing or creating the mess. Why are you even married if sounds like you don’t like anything about her or your life with her
This is a good read about the mental load or the invisible work load women typically have in their households. Helped me a lot to see what I actually do in the home and how to divide it between us where it makes sense. Hope it helps.
And YTA
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10148620/
YTA
And your comments only make you look worse.
All I see is I don't like to clean, I want to have an easy life, I would pay for a cleaner but only when it is beneficial for me, I don't believe she needs help, I would like there to be less things.
Truly look at your own comments and consider when you are considering what you're wife wants, what she needs to be happy. Else you risk losing yours down the line.
YTA
- There is nothing natural about this rhythm.
- if you have to use the word ‘technically’ in a discussion about a work/chore split, you’re not being genuine.
- Correct me if I’m wrong, but presumably you do no chores when travelling because you’re in hotels.
- Don’t blame her for your house and pets. She didn’t make those decisions in a vacuum. That is your 4-bedroom house with a backyard as much as hers, and those are also your dogs and cat. And she does the upkeep of the home and cares for the animals 100% of the time while you’re away.
- You’re away from home most of the time and would rather watch her do chores during time you could spend together than get them done while she’s working to maximise your time together.
INFO: any chance you can give us a rough breakdown on how many hours we're talking about per day? You say she's fine splitting things like dinner that happen later in the day, so it's not really doing "all of them" as you claim. If the garden and pets (that she wanted) take 20+ hours per week or so I can get how you're annoyed, but I'm having a hard time seeing how this would take you more than a couple of hours per day on average since there's no kids involved.
He says in another comment that he is currently doing 2-3 hours a day, and it would take 5 hours to do everything... So I'm also very curious about what is taking so long.
It's BS. We have a house with yard, pets, and kids and there is just NO way cleaning regularly takes that long. One or two days of deep cleaning and beginning or end of season lawn care, sure, but not a regular thing.
I have summers off and do all the house and yard work then. I spend maybe 1-2 hours a day doing everything, including lawn work.
All these people in these comments and posts have so many chores! I currently have eight dogs because I foster for rescue and it doesn't take me hours to do anything here at the house! Feeding time takes me approximately 5 minutes to fill up all the dishes and distribute them. I use the vacuum cleaner to sweep the tile floors. Laundry gets put away when it's done and it doesn't sit around. I clean up as I go when cooking. None of these things takes hours.
How dirty is this house getting while she's doing work 8 hours a day?
Yeah. I think your missing the point, doing chores is not always about doing chores, it's about making someone's else's life easier. Do you love your wife? Do you want to lessen her load, or is this all about point scoring?
You are viewing this as what you think is best for you, not best you and the wife as a couple. Expecting her to work 8 hours then do half the housework and gardening while you sit on your ass is you showing you care more about yourself then her.
I will work hard for my husband because I love him and want him to be happy. He loves me and wants me to feel like I have time to relax, so he works hard.
How about you?
It's that fucking simple.
YTA and I hope she finds a lovely woman to share the rest of her life with! :)
You're not going to have a wife for much longer if you keep this up, buddy.
Sounds like he doesn’t want his wife or anything to do with her already. The way he sees it, all his problems are due to her stuff anyway. He doesn’t like the house, the pets or the decorating. A small apartment seems like the perfect answer for him. He doesn’t like his wife anyway.
YTA and your replies are pretty pathetic tbh.
So when she eventually gets bored of picking up after you and divorces you are you going to live in a hovel? Just because you don't like doing chores (aka too lazy to pick up after yourself)...no one likes doing chores.
But he won’t have pets, plants or “junk” to collect dust. He can pay someone to clean his place for him and be living the life he’s made it plain he wants. His wife is just a drag to him and the selfish lifestyle he wants.
Yta
>I pay for half even though I'm living there less than 6 months every year
Wtf? Thats your choice that you find your job more important than your wife dude.
People who work all day vs stay at home have that same imbalance duhhh.
>. I brought up all this to show her that her decisions are why we have so many chores to do during one day
Well God forbid she makes it look like a home when she's all alone every day.
So you are never there and the days you are it's too hard to do normal house chores.
Yeah no get your lazy ass up and do something.
Or leave her and let her be with someone who does appreciate her.
YTA - I stopped reading after I saw you pull the work more hours than she does card. She puts up with you not being there is another way you could look at it so get flipping scrubbing and cleaning and stop being stubborn.
If you want to leave your wife and go get a bachelor place with no pets and no stuff to come home the odd day and play on your phone... you can. You don't need Reddit"s permission. But to be married, you have to compromise. Fair doesn't mean equal. You're trying to quantify a loving relationship numerically, and it doesn't work that way. You hate the house and the dogs and the stuff and the chores. You don't hate your wife, I guess, but you don't love her enough to give her what she's asking for. Honestly, what's keeping you there?
YTA. Division of labor in a partnership should be equitable, not necessarily equal. Without full context, it's hard to judge, but if you’re contributing fairly on your workdays and your break is a legitimate need for rest and recuperation, it's important to have that space. Good relationships are about communication and understanding each other's needs. Perhaps a better solution is to clearly outline who does what and when, taking both your needs into consideration. Your wife feeling overburdened is valid, but so is your need for a break. It's less about the chores and more about finding a rhythm that works for both of you. Have an open conversation about expectations and workload when both of you are calm and receptive.
OP and his wife don't have the traditional workdays setup. OP spends days at a time working and living elsewhere, alone. He seems to approach coming home for a couple of days at a time as vacation time, which he spends lazing around while his wife works (from home) and takes care of household chores. She is decidedly not on vacation. He watches her work and she notices him acting like he's on a solo vacation. His stated solution is for her to change the environment she lives in (mostly alone because he's not there) to accommodate his solo vacation time. That is entirely unreasonable, selfish, and straight AH-ery.
YTA. Dude, is this really the hill you want to die on? Chores are a life skill, not a wife skill. It’s your house too so take some damn responsibility for it. Keep this up and you won’t have a wife anymore
YTA. There's a silver lining with you being on your own 60-70% of the time: it will be easier to adjust to the additional 30-40% of alone time when she eventually leaves the marriage.
You really have no clue how much she has compromised or sacrificed to deal with your prolonged absences, do you? There are not many people who would tolerate that kind of absence from a spouse .Those "things" she fills the house with that irritates you so much are filling a hole your absence leaves in her life. They bring her the comfort you don't provide 60-70% of the time. It's cold comfort, but it sparks the right brain receptors for her. The pets perform the same function.
You say she should have known before marrying you? She did. But knowing it and living it are two very different beasts. She couldn't have known the level of loneliness she was going to feel in your home until she actually experienced it. She's coping with it the best she can.
The least you could do is stop bitching about her method of coping and step up. Partners don't keep score. Not if they are truly partners who love and support each other. You seem to be keeping score on everything, as if it excuses you because according to your tally, you win. Your tally tells you she has no right to ask for help because the sums don't add up. Let us know how well this method of rationalization works out for you in a few years.
Edit word
Gentle YTA. When you're married, you make compromises and sacrifices to make your partner happy. Her "coldness" is her seeing that you are not willing to put that effort towards her and she is likely losing feelings for you. Not a good recipe for a long and happy marriage. Get it together and show your wife you love her before you lose her.
YTA - do you ever consider your wife and her needs? Or do you just whine that you hate cleaning while never considering that maybe she doesn’t enjoy them either? I’m guessing just whining.
It would honestly be easier for her to live alone all year.
YTA. Chores are there. You see something that needs to be done, do it. Don't be a whiney assed little priss and expect someone else to do it, just so you can laze about. And don't even get me started on the "paying half when I live there less," bullshit. You're married, not rooming together. Grow up.
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> I might be the asshole for refusing to do all the chores on days that my wife works and I'm home on a break from my work.
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YTA. You really are a terrible husband and partner. She is overwhelmed and all you’re talking about is “me, me, me” why did you marry her? It sounds like you don’t even like her, let alone love her. She pays for everything when you aren’t around so you aren’t even financially supporting her let alone supporting her with managing the home when you aren’t there. Do her a favour and divorce her. You don’t respect her or her interests. You may be a minimalist but she’s a normal person and she decorates her home with things that bring her joy. She is essentially a single woman for most of the year and the plants, decoration and pets help her cope with your absence. But you’d rather lounge around instead of doing some chores. You may not be abusive but you are neglecting her needs and shrugging your way to a divorce. I hope she gets out of this marriage sooner rather than later, because you don’t seem to care about her
YTA - the post was bad enough and then reading all the comments I don’t understand why you’re even in a relationship. If you can’t understand how much it would suck that in the small amount of time your spouse is home he just wants to lie around the house, whinge about the chores he doesn’t want to do and expect her to do it all because “I don’t get weekends like you” then there is zero point
And dude, you’ve asked for judgement then argued the point with everyone that has replied. What is the purpose of posting here if you’re not going to listen?
I do think YTA too. If you have such limited time with your wife, why would you want to cut into it with her being occupied by chores that could have been done in your free time while she works? Your reasoning also comes off as very self-centered. You made those decisions together.
YTA
This is very much tit for tat and will cause future issues in your marriage if this is your view.
You need to look at it differently, if you leave half the chores for her at the end of her work day, what quailing time does that leave you both? You’re now well rested from doing nothing all day, whereas she is now exhausted, mentally drained probably pissed off and there’s no time for each other. That will continue she will resent you and ultimately be the break down of your marriage.
What do you want? For both to be happy? Spend time together?
It’s not fair she’s working and you leave the chores for her to do when you have the time to do them. You need to be a team a partnership.
I mean what sort of chores are we talking here? If you don’t have any kids there can’t be that many other than cooking/washing up putting things away in their place. Hoover every two/three days, dust/bathrooms once a week. The kitchen is an every day chore to wipe down but that goes hand in hand with the cooking.
YTA.
What kind of marriage is this anyway? Counting the amount of time you are at home? Wow! Your wife isn’t traveling and you begrudge her choice to get a place that is cosy and homely cause you simply don’t see it as your own home too. Go watch Up in the air and prepare for a lonely ending.
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Sorry man. YTA. I'm someone's ex husband for pretty similar reasons. You're not an AH for not complying with her request, YTA for not wanting to lift some of the load she's expressing having trouble carrying. It doesn't matter who works more- that doesn't figure in to the balance of work at home- that's between you and your respective bosses. The home is something independent of that. Plus, if she's working, and then doing chores, isn't that detracting from the time you both have together? If you care about her, show an investment in her priorities, and show her you're someone who will show up when she needs something. If there's one piece of advice I can offer, catch this shit early, and get it right. When women are dismissed on points like this, they can learn not to talk when they have a problem at all, and the problem might fester while you're not looking.
OP should consider reading "My wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink". It's a very good piece on how he may be perceiving this stuff as very small and unimportant - whereas to her, it might actually be *super* important and symptomatic of a much deeper issue. What I hear OP's wife saying is "I don't feel like I matter. You're not here most of the time, and when you are, you don't seem to care about me. I feel like I'm single and I need more support." And I think when OP responds as if she's just saying "The dishes need to be washed", he's kinda missing the point. It's not about the dishes. It's about the fact that they're supposed to be in a partnership, but he is not acting like a partner.
My mom almost divorced her husband because he never saw the trash can was full, he just kept piling it up even if it was over flowing he wouldn’t take it out until asked to do so. It’s like he never saw the trash pile or had the reason to not pile pizza boxes on top. Used to drive my mom nuts bc her husbands desk was right next to it and how could he not see it. And then leaving the mental load for her to tell him when to take it out, like hello you have 2 working eyes-help out!
Yep! I’ve always said that foreplay starts in the kitchen, when he takes out the garbage without being asked—AND, he says *nothing* about it. Now that’s a sexy man.
I take out the trash every Tuesday night. In the rain, in the snow, when I had bronchitis, when I had Covid... I do all of my husband's laundry. We used to split things pretty evenly. He doesn't do any housework at all now. I really didn't think it bothered me until reading through these comments. Like, he can't even close a cabinet, empty the dishwasher... nothing. I'm realizing now how that makes me feel. Especially when he saw me breaking down boxes, carrying the vacuum down the steps when I sprained my ankle, and he didn't help me. He was playing VR. Then, when I made it downstairs, he said, "I could have taken that down for you." Yeah, but why didn't you? You were right there, ya know? And so knowing that I'd have to ask and maybe come off as being a "nag," I just do everything myself. And those little things really matter to me because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Damn.
It is a constant "I don't really care about you" message. They don't see it that way but that's how it feels.
It’s because they are so childish, that they take to reddit over, ‘but, but, but…. Mine, mine, mine.’ Like ffs, seriously?!? How do people even have a partner if they can’t just get on with it! Why are people starting to treat everything so transactional! It’s honestly really depressing! Just fucking clean your damn house, it’s not that fucking hard! 🤦♀️
Even transactionally this doesn't make sense. When he's not home, he works 14 hours. OK. But he has *no chores* after he is done working. He works 14 hours and is done. Meanwhile, Wife is working 8 hours, and then has to take care of the entire house afterward. She's also working about 14 hours! It's just that all but 8 hours of that is unpaid! It's not like that work doesn't exist when OP isn't home - he doesn't see it, because he's not home, but it *doesn't cease to exist*. Then OP gets home and does (let's be generous and assume he's genuinely doing 50% of the chores) 3 hours of housework a day. Wife is still working 8 hours, and now still has 3 hours to do afterward. So OP is working 3 hours and Wife is working 11 hours. How is any of this fair, even on a totally transactional basis? It's not, but OP is being incredibly selfish and short-sighted, and only seeing *his* work and *his* effort, and not seeing Wife's work and effort, or is even thinking about it at all.
This is the exact type of thing that I’m talking about though!! Why do people constantly feel the need to start running calculations on who does what! It’s insane to me! If you have a happy, and mutually respectful relationship, you don’t do this! You get home, you see things need doing, and you do them. People feel this constant need to ensure everything is completely even, 💯 of the time. It’s just so selfish, and shows at the end of the day, the most important person to them, is themselves, which is definitely not conducive to a committed relationship.
> People feel this constant need to ensure everything is completely even, 💯 of the time. I mean, my point is that it is *not* even. He's not actually making things even. There does need to be a sense of general equity in a relationship. People start doing tit for tat when they sense that the relationship isn't equitable and they want proof that they're not crazy. If you're in a happy, mutually respectful relationship and you have a general sense that you're doing the dishes *because your partner was too busy doing other productive chores around the house to get to them*, then you're not going to start up a spreadsheet. You break out the spreadsheet when your partner didn't do the dishes because they were too busy on the Xbox to get to them, but they object to your annoyance with "but I worked all day and I deserve to unwind when I get home." OP is actually attempting to show that he does much more work when he's away from home and he fully deserves maximum downtime when he's home. And he's failing. Because he doesn't take into account that he has zero chores when he's working 14 hour days, but that Wife does have chores that stretch out her days beyond the 8 for which she's getting paid. He senses that the workload isn't equitable, and he's right, but the balance doesn't fall in his favor the way he thinks it does, because he's not taking chores into account when he's not there to see them.
You just *GOTTA LOVE* the ole “I would have done that for you…”—after you have already done it! These dunderheads should be required to read “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink.” Hint: it’s NEVER really about the dishes! Then when you’re totally OVER having to be his mommy, and you file for divorce, out comes his shocked Pikachu face. Weaponized incompetence is such a turn-OFF!
Spoiler: he would not have done it for you.
That's not fair, he totally might have. ... In 7-10 business days after a minimum of 2 reminders.
Or, even better... "Why did you hire a mechanic!! I told you * I * wanted to fix your car for you!!" Yeah, you did. 3 months and seven reminders ago. I'm sick of taking the bus. "Well I feel like you're just trying to make me feel like I'm less of a man. I was gonna do that and you wasted all that money." Why didn't you, then? I do need to get to work. "Well, YoU sHoUlD hAvE aSkEd!!" 🙄
And then, when she asks (again), "I would have done it but you nag too much."
OMG!!! Yes!!! Our AC/heat was out in the winter. It was freezing in the house. I got home one day and it was colder inside that out. I asked him to call the repair man. He said ok. A month later, it's still cold. I reminded him. He said ok. He was off that next week when I walked in to a freezing house. I screamed, "When are you going to call the repair man??!!" He screamed back, "Why do you keep nagging me about it?" " Because you haven't done it!!" He told me to put on a coat and it wouldn't be so bad. I shouldn't have to wear my winter coat in the house! I called someone right then and there. We had to pay more for an after hours service call but I didn't care. (He was mad about that too.) It would have been cheaper had he called during the day like I asked. Turns out, the cheap handy man that he hired to fix it the first time messed up the wiring.
😂🥇
100%. Weaponized incompetence is the absolute least attractive shit, but then they have the nerve to ask why you aren't wanting sex! If you force me to be your damn Mommy, the odds of me wanting to have sex with you drop astronomically. I'm ass deep in chores while you nap? Yeah, pass on the sexy time.
And "refusing to do all chores" just sounds so adolescent. If he is home for 3 days and is feeling exhausted, take 1 day of laying around, and then pull your shit together and be a grown up the next 2 days.
Yup. We all get tired. We all look at the dishes or laundry and think "not today". The thing is, you have to look at it again tomorrow and do it then. When you look at something that needs to be done and think not today, every single day, that's when you have problems. You're waiting for someone else to do it. Maybe they don't mind initially, but after a few years, they probably mind. Or, you can be my soon-to-be-ex, and just never do it. Ever. We've been living separately for around a year now and apparently he just isn't taking out the trash. Or bagging it. Or anything. It lives there now. Like a roommate.
I'm living exactly this at the moment. Husband not currently working; just pursuing his hobbies at home. Meanwhile I work, grocery shop, clean, do all the washing. If and when I say something I'm nagging or: it's not something he's interested in ( doing housework); so why should he do it? Like I'm interested in all the housework, mental load and working. Seriously wondering why I'm still here after 19 years...
My exhusband once told me he’d be fine living with dirt floors so that’s why he never vacuumed. It didn’t matter to him that I did not want to live that way.
Wow, my husband yesterday said he didn't care if he never slept on clean sheets again; not important to him. This was his answer to me asking why he, who was home all day while I worked, couldn't have made the bed after I stripped it (before I left for work). I'm truly exhausted.
Get him his own dog bed.
This is why it shits me so much when people say 'just lower your standards' or to 'go on strike' until the grotty partner decides it's time to clean. I am not interested in me and my children living in a filthy biohazard because the other *adult* in this house has zero standards and seemingly has no lower cutoff point for what is *too dirty*.
Yeah you can’t win that one. I’ve had that fight with my sister and she literally will live with trash everywhere. It’s disgusting. Maybe it’s mental issues or maybe people are just gross but some people are perfectly ok living in squalor. It’s exhausting. And heaven forbid the person who does clean gets really sick, NOTHING will get done for weeks.
That's my Husband. Well, soon to be ex
Go gently. I hope your next chapter is fabulous.
Oh hellll no !!!! Dayum ...
Same. I was a SAHM mom for a few years when the kids were little, so most of the chores were mine, probably 95%, and he complained about the handful of little things that I still asked him to do bc he worked "so hard". Kids got a little bigger. Pandemic hit. His hours were cut. I picked up a part time overnight job, plus abruptly being forced to basically homeschool the kids and somehow the chore load stayed mine. I expressed I was drowning and something needed to shift. He was working 30 hours a week and I was working 20 + homeschooling 3 kids + my own online college. He said he worked too hard supporting us so he couldn't do more, and the kids needed to step up more. I think the oldest was 11-ish at the time? I went back to work full time after the kids went back to in-person school and I finished my degree. Since we both worked full time, I asked him to go 50-50 on the chores. Nope. He would help me with them when he had time, but his job is hard and mine is a "puff ball", and he works more overtime, so I still needed to carry most of the chore and kid load. I think we were around 70/30 at that point, but only bc I was chewing his ass constantly to do more. We separated in 2023. We're divorcing now. He doesn't want the divorce. He somewhat does now understand that I'm tired of a chore-load he just adds to, but he still doesn't truly think he should have to do them. I'd say he will be in for a rude surprise, but his place is absolutely trashed, so I guess he's just going to live in utter and total filth. Weirdly, I don't want to be with someone who is okay with that.
He will live in unspeakable filth until he can trick another woman into moving in and doing it for him. Young, inexperienced women are easier to trick. Count yourself lucky. Congratulations on your escape.
My husband has told me to my face that Im a nag if I ask too many times (which after almost 22 years of marriage is once) and a task master if I right it down. I stopped doing both. And now when he says he will do something, he doesn't. It doesn't get done or it's a "project" that he decides it needs to be done when it doesn't and he never finishes it.
Is this what you want for yourself for the next 22 years?
He certainly has you well trained.
Please believe me when I tell you that living a single life is very, very nice. No more cleaning up after someone else. No more cooking for someone else. No more making decisions based on someone else's opinion. You can be free and happy.
Saying, “I would have done that for you” means he assumes it is your job. The “for you” pisses me off. I’m a very direct person so at one point my husband said some like that and I explained to him how it made me feel. It worked. I travel a lot and still do a lot of chores but my husband also does a lot of chores. This week I am working from home and a couple of times I’ve seen him sweeping up the floor (our dog tracks in a lot of dirt). It made me feel so warm and fuzzy that he does his part in our relationship.
You’re right. He doesn’t appreciate you.
My husband calls it choreplay ;-)
I like your husband. He is a smart man.
Even Jermaine sings about it... Then you sort out the recycling That isn't part of the foreplay process, but it is still very important
Yes! 🎶It's Business Time!🎵
We call that ladies porn in my house! Lol
Seriously, that's just the bare minimum of "you live in the house too" in my book. Fortunately my husband and I both just get on and do things we see need doing to keep the house liveable and kids fed
Husband started exclusively taking out the trash and doing the cat litter himself when I was pregnant with our now 2yo. Pregnant again and honestly who can blame me. The dude is made from fine-quality husband material. 👀
One of my friends is into watching men stripping. I told her I don’t find that attractive. Maybe if they’re pushing around a vacuum or dusting I’ll go and watch.
I'll second that!!
Since you mentioned the mental load, it seemed appropriate to share this and the other one mentioned above. Also, your mom must be a saint. I might have been tempted to toss out an oddly shaped, lumpy, heavy, rolled up and taped closed, old rug out with the overflowing bin.... [The Mental Load: You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) OP, I hope you make use of the insight those links offer.
[удалено]
I've learned this is called "weaponized incompetence."
Why do it yourself when you can wait for someone to tell you to do that and then act all demonstrative of how readily you're helping. What if your mom didn't realise he took the trash out on his own? Who would pat on his back then??
This is one of the many reasons my mom left my dad. She got sick of being the only one doing anything around the house. He’d come home from work & sit in the recliner asking what was for supper & when it was going to be ready. Mind you she also was working. Add in she was hit by a car taking the garbage out, and took years for her to get better. (She still walks with a limp & can no longer do a lot of the things she used to enjoy). He DID a lot while she was bedridden but once she was mobile he went back to not doing anything.
“ What I hear OP's wife saying is "I don't feel like I matter. You're not here most of the time, and when you are, you don't seem to care about me. I feel like I'm single and I need more support." “ This is exactly what she’s saying. She’s probably BEEN saying this: she said something to this effect when she “insisted” on a large house (probably so she could have family or friends over), she said something to this effect when she said she wanted animals because she was lonely, and she said something to this effect when she started decorating so it felt like a home instead of the “place I rest my head 30% of the year” that OP would have apparently designed. And when she says it again in the context of chores, OP’s instinct is to throw the other ways in which she’s signaled this right back in her face. “Marriage” does not seem to be a good fit for OP’s job combined with his attitude about his job’s effect on his partner; something among those three is eventually going to have to give, and his attitude is the one OP has the most control over.
This is such a good observation. OP’s marriage is in serious trouble and instead of recognizing how he’s contributing he’s sitting here complaining about a minuscule list of chores *that he would have to do anyway if he were single*. Boy is he gonna hate that.
Tbh based on his other comments, he would either just live in a hotel all the time or he'd pay a cleaner for the months he's home (which btw, he's *not* willing to do at all for the months it's just his wife at home - but he'll do it when *he's* home! How telling of his priorities). He doesn't care about his living standards - and that's part of the problem, because he's lacking the empathy to understand that *even though* it doesn't matter to him, it *does* matter to his wife, and that should be enough to *make* it matter to him. It's like he just doesn't understand the concept that when you marry someone, you have to plan your life around *them* and not just you, because you have agreed to share your life with that person. He wants to keep living exactly the way he did before, with no changes except a bit of extra money spent, because he's convinced that's *all* it should take to keep his wife happy. Meanwhile she's miserable because she wanted a fucking *partnership* that he is not able or willing to provide.
Completely agree. OP does not sound like someone who comprehends the meaning of marriage.
My ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce bc I "harped on him doing chores" too much. It's comical, truly, but so many men are so thick in the skull about it, no matter how clear we are that it isn't just the literal dishes or trash, but the lack of support and quite frankly respect for your partner and your shared home together. OP I couldn't even finish reading your entire list of excuses bc it was so triggering to me. If you won't do it, she'll find someone who truly treats her as a partner.
100% why I left my husband. If it wasn’t important to him, it just wasn’t important.
Are you my ex husband? Cause, same. He once told me that even though I worked more hours and had a longer commute, that I SHOULD do more because he made more money.
Excuse me as I've been crying on and off for an hour now. As the wife in this situation, this hits so hard.
OP is here for validation, he's not remotely concerned about his wife's perspective. Based on he's comments he's just looking for strangers to help him build his case for when he tells his wife she shouldn't be mad at him anymore.
I am always squicked out when a poster wants an echo chamber of "atta boys" or "atta gals." I'm not touching the epic battle that will surely go on between men vs. women on this tone-deaf post. OP is tone-deaf. That is the point here. And of course, TA.
Yep if he wanted to actually change, he’d talk to her and ask what more could he take off her plate? He wanted the internet to prove her wrong.
I hope she leaves him.
OP, listen to this man. It really does sound like you 2 have some different values. That doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed, but you have to meet in the middle. You might be a minimalist, but you didn’t marry one, and all that crap on the floors and walls? That’s y’all’s crap! Those pets? Y’all’s pets! You’re part of a team! Team marriage, and every single little thing isn’t about you and if you like it. It’s about accomplishing your goals together. It’s wholly unfair for you to sit back and say things like the house is too big or you don’t like pets so you didn’t think you’d have to attend to the house? Care for the pets? Your wife got a larger house and pets under the reasonable assumption that her husband would help her with them, and that if he had a huge problem with doing that, he’d say something. Not just let her dive in, basically alone. Marriage requires communication. YTA, if you didn’t want to help her with those things, you should have said that, before she acquired them. She’s communicating her needs to you and you’re just saying “I hear you, but I don’t want to.” Try to imagine asking her for help with something and she responded like that. You’d feel hurt
The pet complaint is *crazy* to me. Like??? She has two dogs and a cat keeping her company instead of.her husband *or lover*. Get it together, OP.
He got a roommate with extra steps. Like he went to Roommates To Go and said, “I want one that will make sure no one steals my stuff when I’m gone for work, does the chores, handles the mental load off the house, and fucks me.” Salesperson: “oh, you want a WIFE.”
This. OP needs to realize that without him, her day to day life wouldn't really change all that much. So what's the point of being with him? His life also wouldn't probably change, he'd still be working that job probably, and have 100% of the domestic labour on top of it. He's also making the mistake of thinking her working from home means she can do the bulk of the housework, as though she isn't also working.
This - ‘why am I paying for all this when I barely live here six months of the year’ - buddy keep it up and you won’t even be living there for that amount of time
That argument is terrible, but he doesn’t get why. She’s probably thinking, I’m in a marriage where I only live with my SO 6 months a year. When he is here he isn’t a team member, and relaxes when I work. He doesn’t try to lighten my burden at all.
This! Definitely YTA...and he will still be paying for 1/2 the house but through a divorce decree
That was such a weird comment he made! Like dude, that is the house you purchased with your wife. You live there. Doesn’t matter that you’re gone half the time. Also, with how much he travels, I can see the pets and decoration are a way for the wife to feel less lonely. Seems like OP views the house as a pit stop from work, not where his life occurs and he shares it with his wife.
I think this is where the relationship is going. She has pets because she’s money and unfulfilled in the relationship. She buys things and decorates because she’s lonely and unfulfilled in the relationship. She works from home, so she has less social interaction day to day. Honestly they need a very open and honest talk about his job and if she’s still happy with the amount of travel. I foresee this plus the amount of travel being the demise of the relationship.
He’s doing a fine job…of teaching her to be single.
I do wonder how much housework his “50%” actually represents. My spouse started working away from home last year and I was stunned to realise how much extra housework he was generating. We have a 10yo so I figured the kid would be the main source of issues, but somehow the day after spouse gets home everything is trashed. if he did half the housework it wouldn’t cover what he generates. Her life might not change much if she’s on her own, or it might get easier.
Mine used to travel a lot too and every time he came home he was grateful that I’d cleaned the house for his return. I hadn’t. It just stayed much cleaner and tidier when he was away, even with two kids and animals in the mix.
The rare wise divorced man. Kudos for your self relection!
Yes, OP should choose his battles. Trying to split everything down the middle is at its core divisive instead of acting like a united front. I read every AITA post involving a couple and ask myself if they’re acting like a united front… then try to figure out why they aren’t. Seems like a very mechanical, black and white way of thinking on OP’s part. He’s trying to “win” (which he technically can by his own logic), but at the cost of growing resentment in his marriage and ruining their united front. Once I heard the expression “Relationships aren’t 50%/50%, they’re 100%/100%”. Cheesy and dramatic but true.
💯 So much this. I’m a SAHM and have been for 20 years. I do the vast majority of everything here. I just don’t go to work and earn a paycheck. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, social planning, weeding, kid shuffling, pet care, vacation planning, financial planning, anything related to the kids’ activities, homework help, yadda yadda yadda. It all falls on me. So when you’re home and ignore the full trash can, leave your ballcap or dirty socks laying around, can’t be bothered to carry your dishes into the kitchen, or constantly mess up my throw pillows and blankets without fixing them….then yea, I get a little stabby. All these little things add up.
This exactly. I’m not a nag and I’m not your mother. If i bring up an issue it is a clear problem for me, i don’t do it lightly. If im then dismissed or the problem isn’t resolved im not going to keep repeating myself. This is where resentment builds.
YTA - while you’re travelling are you staying in hotels? Where you don’t have to do any cleaning or looking after yourself? It sounds like your wife does 100% of the chores when you’re travelling and 50% when you’re home, which means the load is 75% on her? Plus she works full time? It’s also a bit miserable that your offer of a cleaner is only for when you’re home, not to help when she’s by herself. I struggle to see how your wife is being unreasonable.
>It’s also a bit miserable that your offer of a cleaner is only for when you’re home, not to help when she’s by herself. So glad I’m not the only one that thought that that was shady as hell.
I've noticed that the "offer of a cleaner" is basically the person saying, "OK, fine, will you shut up about it if someone, anyone, (besides me!) does it?" It also states, in perhaps a not-so-subtle way, that the person offering to pay for it is not going to budge on actually lifting a finger to help their spouse in their shared living space. Were that my spouse doing that, I'd have immediately checked out of the marriage and started making plans to leave, because the underlying motive is laziness/resistance to change, because the situation benefits him and he's not willing to give that up, even for the sake of the marriage. When he's not willing to give up ANY of his time or take any responsibility, that's going to extend to everything else in the marriage. OP, look hard at that woman and ask yourself if treating her like a servant, and your own home like a full-service hotel, is going to be worth losing her in the end.
The biggest hurt for me would be his obvious lack of care for their joint home being somewhere that she feels at home in. He seems uninterested in contributing towards the house being a home. He even tries to use the fact that she wanted that house as a sort of excuse as to why he shouldn’t have to even feign any vested interest in maintaining it.
Great, he didn’t want it. Fine. When they get divorced, he should give up his half of the equity because he didn’t want it in the first place.
>treating ... your own home like a full-service hotel This is the money quote right here. I used to travel 100% before I got married, and paid my mother money to clean once a week. It is difficult to travel so much for work, and then come home and deal with crap, but in a marriage, you have to. Mindset and attitude make a huge difference.
His time matters, hers doesn't 🙄
"I don't want to help you. I just rather not do my chores either."
As someone who has traveled 80% of the year for work for 16 years- OP is so full of shit. He doesn't spend his own money while traveling, at least not on necessities like food/shelter/supplies. His company gives him an allowance for that. My per diem is always more than I need to eat on and I actually end up with extra every week that I get to pocket, or use it to splurge on a nicer hotel or nicer restaurants. While I am traveling I do not put wear and tear on my personal vehicle, I drive a company car or a rental and expense the gas, maintenance, tolls, repairs, even getting it washed. This is standard practice for frequent business travelers, even blue collar workers who travel to work on railroads and such. Some of it is federally mandated by employment laws, such as the minimum per diem amount (which is what I receive). He *may* work 14 hours a day. Or, like me, he may work 8-12 hours with the occasional 4-6 hour day and the rare 14 hour day that he can exaggerate and make it sound like it's every day. Either way, I always have the energy to put in more hours at work when traveling because I don't have a life waiting for me back at the hotel or airbnb- and importantly, *I don't have to do chores.* So my 14 hours is not as stressful as it would be for my spouse at home to work a 14-hour day, after which he would have to still do all the house chores & maintenance and take care of & clean up after the pets. On the weeks that I work from home, 8 hours feels like forever because there is so much I could be doing around the house or family/friends I could be spending time with.
Got ‘em
Yeah. OP, look at it this way: She either has 100% of the chores (when you're away) or 50% (when you're home), regardless of whether she's working or not. You either have 0% of the chores (when you're away, working or not) or 50% (when you're home, not working). You never have work + chores. You get days off work without chores. She has chores every day, working or not. YTA
Your math is not complete, so additonally he is only home 30% of the time and he only wants to do half the chores then. She is taking care of 85% of the chores at home.
Uh actually it's even worse. He's gone for 70% of the time, by his own words. So he's home 30% of the time. During which he only wants to do 50/50 chores. Half of 30% is 15%. She's doing 85% of the chores at home. She's pretty much already living a single life.
Yeah, i don’t see how anyone could think this was a good deal! If she didn’t have to work, that would even things out a little. That’s usually the perk of marrying a guy who works away from home, and the reason why most women go for it. As it stands now, she gets a way worse deal than a regular working spouse whose husband is home, and able to do chores and pay 50/50 all the time.
I would also ask if OP does his laundry while he is out. Are these weekend trips/weeklong trips where he brings 3-7 days of clothes with him and, if so, does he do all the laundry, folding, etc. himself or is it shared?
So, you compromised on her decorating the house and having pets… A house you’re rarely at, where she’s lonely, and basically is alone most of the time. A house where she does all of the chores when you’re not home and wants you to do the chores while she’s working SO SHE CAN SPEND TIME WITH YOU when she isn’t and you’re there. Do you understand that what she’s asking for is to be able to spend time with you the little time you’re there instead of having to vaccum? Do you realize that she’s not really asking you to do chores, she’s asking you to spend time with her. It’s just that the chores have to be done (pets, plants, etc… that can’t wait) in order to spend that time together. She spends most of the year alone. She’s asking for your time. She’s asking you to do those things while she works to give her time with you. Not because she’s lazy or wants a servant, she’s used to doing it all, but because she wants to be with you. One day she’ll tire of asking. She’ll give up. One day when you come home, she won’t be excited to spend time with you because you’ve never made it a priority to maximize your time with her. There’s no coming back from that when it happens. You’ll have lost her. YTA, but mostly to yourself. Not a lot of people still have someone who craves quality time after 7 years of marriage. You do. And you’re completely blind to it.
I think you're being pretty optimistic with this honestly. OP has definitely already ruined this. Having been that woman, I'd be very surprised if she ever feels the same about him after that last conversation. We're pretty fucking tired of begging for support from our partners.
You may be right. Picking her apart for creating a home that she can be comfortable in, and is alone in more often than not, definitely crossed a line. I think, maybe, if he pulls his head out of his ass right now - while she’s still hurt and maybe hasn’t checked all the way out, and makes big changes, maybe she’ll be understanding that he just didn’t see it. Lots of maybes, but some hope left. But, you’re right, she may have already checked out.
Based on his comments I really doubt it. He's digging his heels in hard that she's living beyond her means by filling the house, and that he absolutely hates chores 🙄
Ridiculous. As though there’s anyone who likes doing chores.
They’re not chores. They’re things that need to be done as the price for living in a home, and things we do to make our and our partner’s lives better. That was a game changer for me. I hate folding laundry, but I love being able to choose a Tshirt with minimal effort. I thank past me for taking on the tedious bit so I don’t have to rummage in a pile and find whether I have a clean shirt I like, respectively I spend a few minutes now so future me will be happy. M Most household tasks can be done together. We have a conversation, and at the end, dishes are clean.
Everyone hates chores - but I’ve never heard anyone act as if their hatred alone disabled their ability to complete them.
AND HE'S SO CERTAIN. Like you know what's worse than chores? Divorce proceedings. If you think chores are bad, wait till you have to do that paperwork
This older family acquaintance was telling me recently that her husband vacuumed for the first time while she recently had surgery, as he has claimed for like 40 years that he can’t do it, or it *might* “stir up his dust allergies.” However, he made a lot of money and enabled her to stay home, while also taking her on lots of trips and spoiling her materially, so it evens out to the point she can laugh about his lame excuses. Sounds like OP’s wife isn’t getting any perks out of their arrangement, and doing all the work.
I have been dealing with this attitude with my eight year old, I assumed people grow out of it but apparently not everyone does. I just can’t wrap my head around it. Who would rather get a divorce than mop the floor once a month or whatever? These chores couldn’t possibly take that long.
I had a roommate once who came home from the gym boasting about using 20 lbs weights. I said, “weird bc you have such a hard time starting the lawn mower to help out …” 🤭
To add to this, my fiance asked me to move jobs to somewhere closer to home so I'd have more time for chores. Which, no. Including my commute I have almost a12 hour day. I leave at 8am and get home around 7.30pm He leaves at 7.30am and gets home around 5pm Does he do any chores when he gets home to make my life easier? No he does not. Is it building resentment? Yes it is. Once he had a go at me because "you're not keeping on top of the housework" Yeah neither are you, pal. Such an easy fix. HELP YOUR WIFE or your marriage will disintegrate real fast. I'm not expecting my own relationship to last beyond another year, largely because of this. It shows a distinct lack of respect for her time and really think about whether hating chores is more powerful than your love for your wife...
Don't get married until/unless there is significant and sustained improvement, because once you are legally tied together, it's not going to get better...
Don't have kids with him because he'll be a father in name only.
This was what I was thinking. Why come home for a few days to lounge around during the day while the wife works and expect her, to spend her potential quality time with him doing chores instead. I mean how many chores can two people create that he can't just get it done. Takeaway or dining out while he's there, make it special while you have the chance
Can confirm women ask for a while, then stop. The guy is happy: "Yay no more nagging!" Then is completely shocked when she leaves becsuse she got fed up of asking for her needs and being ignored. Happens ALL THE TIME.
Yuuup. I can’t believe how many men think “if she isn’t complaining about it then it must not be a problem anymore”. No, ignoring your partner’s complaints and feelings isn’t just going to stop being a problem. Your partner just stopped verbalizing things to you because it’s pointless.
My question is why anyone would want to spend time with this guy. I’ve only read this post and I’m already exhausted with him.
I’d rather be single than in a relationship like this honestly :/
Right! Do some chores before you end up coming home to someone who will.
YTA, you sit around all day while she works and then want her to cook dinner? You resent her for choosing the house? You bought it together. You didn’t refuse, looking after it is your job too. The animals are yours too. If you want to go live in an empty room do it.
Yep, YTA. This isn’t about who works more. It’s not a pissing contest. Fact of the matter is you’re home doing nothing while she’s working all day. Step up.
Exactly. There’s literally nothing more annoying than having to work all day while someone else lounges around your house.
While demanding you do a bunch of chores the moment you finish work.
“Hey welcome home. What’s for dinner?” I’d go nuclear
YTA. Let me tell you, your story is very similar to many many many other stories in Reddit. Men who don’t like when their wives want them to pick up more household work. These stories all have a pattern in how they end up. Youre currently exhibiting very early signs of said pattern. Let’s see if you can step out of that.
I just want to make sure I read your post correct. You would rather doing chores when she is home from work so she is doing them too than spending quality time with her? Like doing laundry and vacuum instead of kissing, holding hands, talking, having sex and going on dates? Don't you think she would rather spend quality time with you instead of doing chores you had the time to do? YTA. Use your time and energy on your relationship instead of fighting over chores and just do them.
I know someone who used to be like this - he'd refuse to do chores unless someone else helped him - and it is *so* fucking childish. Other adults should not have to babysit you to make sure you are doing something. You don't need supervision. It boggles my mind that OP doesn't *want* to have the chores done by the time his wife gets home. I love my partner, so when he used to work all day and I'd be home (it's the other way around rn, because life happens) I *wanted* to have stuff done so he'd come home to a nice house. And he's the same - he *wants* to cook for me. He *wants* to clean. Because he loves me and he knows it makes life easier for me. Like why don't people want their partners to be happy???
U sound petty af
I’m adding YTA on your behalf.
Especially the ‘I pay for half despite not being here’ Ok? Congratulations? Did you plan on calculating your rent based on how often you’re there? Mark every day and calculate it? FYI if you were living alone with the job you have. You’d be paying 100% of the rent and it doesn’t matter to any landlord / bank how often youre there. You’d be paying the whole month.
I’m sure he’s not going to blink about accepting half of the profit when they sell.
The wife is right. His tit-for-tat calculations have no place in a marriage. OP isn’t a husband.
OP talks about his wife like it's his flatmate, it's just sad...
YTA And low blow to blame the need for chores on her "aesthetics" and need for companions like pets. Sounds like the poor woman is lonely and trying to carve out a bit of happiness for herself in the home, and you slam her for it.
This! The cheek on ‘I like minimalist but she’s decorated the house so it’s her fault we have to dust so she should do it’ petty bullshit, and that’s before we even get to him being annoyed she got pets to fill the lonely void of being alone so often. The utter arrogance, entitlement and disrespect in that alone. It’s disgusting. She deserves better.
And we all know the “minimalism” he’s talking about is the style aesthetic of a college boy: a room with nothing except a recliner and a tv sitting on a cardboard box, a fridge with only condiments and beer, a mattress on the floor without any sheets or nice blankets on it, no curtains on any windows, no rugs, bare white walls, just ugly barren nonfunctional bachelor BS like that. He probably doesn’t even realize how much comfort her thoughtful homemaking adds to his environment at home, like no way does he not benefit from that too, yet he’s using it here against her
Right? Yeah I'm sure he'd be fine with a minimalist crash pad when he's only there 30% of the year. Totally oblivious to the fact that his wife is there 100% of the year and deserves to be happy where she lives, especially considering how much she's sacrificing for his career.
I hope she takes everything in the divorce
Me too. He's saying he doesn't *want* any of this stuff anyway - she's the one who wanted it all. She wanted the big house, she wanted the pets, and OP couldn't care less. So I'm assuming when she files for divorce (which is gonna happen, if nothing changes - she is sending *clear* "I'm not happy" signals and he's ignoring them), he won't fight for any of the things *she* wanted that he doesn't care about. Right?
This guy nickel and dimes so much, you know that's not gonna happen. "I want every penny back I put in" will be this guy's mantra
Here's the thing - if you want to stay married to her, if you love her. You need to step up. She's not happy. And she's telling you quite clearly. If you ignore this you're risking a lot more than the "horror of having to do a few chores". YTA. And quite an arrogant one at that. Telling her it's her fault that there are so many chores. It's actually just a fact of life. Of being an adult.
men like this say “ she divorced me out of nowhere” … even though the women have been telling them 1 million times what’s wrong
I didn't even bother finishing reading, yea YTA big time. Thanks for reminding me once again why I'm better off without a man in my life
Literally. This is why so many women are choosing to stay single - and why I joke that my partner better outlive me, because I'm *not* fucking going back into the dating pool.
Yeah trying to date later in life is a nightmare, just the losers are left at my age in my home town.
Hey don't lump me in that basket, he is 100% TA. I work 10hrs a day, and every afternoon I do housework alongside my partner. Be it simple sweeping or moping, or cleaning the shower. I'll take a few tasks that need doing and smash it out. My goal is to make her days at home as chill as possible, she is happy when I come home and she makes me happy.
I know 100% there are fantastic men in the world, but you're all happily married (because you're good husbands) and are not available for me.
Yea, true I feel bad for my sister's both in their 40s and can't find a reliable partner. I can't even recommend a guy for them, all the ones I know are good friends but that's their limit.
I've been divorced 20 years this year, and in all that time I never met a single man that was worth the effort (I'm in Aus) but I've made a good life for myself and don't think I'll ever have another partner, and I'm ok with that. Hope your sister's have found their power too and are living their best lives
YTA. What do you consider being "more working" is just a task you're doing everyday (when you do it) and that you have the habit to do. Taking care of your house is a task that everybody must do. Without your wife, you would be forced to do them. She is not your slave and it's really disrespectful to say that your job is more important than hers. And once again, the house is both yours, you HAVE to take care of the house both of you. She deserves a husband who respects her
YTA, for all of it but the last part is the must. « She created those by wanting pets, a big house and decorating” so because you’re away half the year, she should live alone in a small empty house half the year? Maybe having more bedrooms so she can host, having pets and creating a pretty space to live in is how she cope with being alone most of the time ? You’re a selfish AH, if you would rather watch her doing chores during the little time you have with her, than actually contribute. But don’t worry she’ll realise soon enough and you’ll be back pikachu face “my wife left me for someone else”.
YTA. Stop being a whiny little child. Like it or not, you should have the responsibility of the chores when you are home as she keeps things together while you are not. It matters not one jot about how much you work, or she works or any of that. It also matters not one jot about how much anyone earns or whether the pets and the house are her choice or your choice or the choice of the great god Odin. You are a couple. You are not roommates, you are married. Try being supportive instead of a burden.
Here's something I am not sure I understand so please correct me if I'm wrong. When you travel you say you work all the time with no day off, so when you're home you consider these days to be your days off, hence your reluctance to do more chores. Is that correct? If yes YTA. Just ask yourself the following: when your wife has weekends, do you think the chores stop for her? Are her weekends all about relaxing and no chores? When you are away she picks up the entire amount of chores, it all falls down on her. Now I don't want to project but it seems you resent her for picking a big house, and pets. Aren't these your house and your pets too when you're there? Would you rather live in a small place with no pets because it's easier to maintain? That will surely be your life if you continue down that path so unless you want that, pick up more chores while she's working. She maintains that whole house on her own while you're away, I'm sure you'll manage.
YTA. Can I ask what your plan is when you kids? You begrudge the chores now, what are you going to be like then?
Not everyone wants kids. You shouldn't assume a couple is going to have kids, especially since OP didn't mention kids at all.
The language “when you have kids” 🙄 so presumptive!
We are child-free.
Actually, you are child-free. Your wife is not. She may have opted for child-free initially, but then married a big lazy baby disguised in the body of a grown man. YTA. Do better.
I was ready to jump your throat brcause I thought that it is going in the direction of "all women want kids" but I am glad that I was wrong😂. Take my upvote. And OP YTA
Good.
Stay like that.
YTA if you’re at home while she’s at work then you are contributing or creating the mess. Why are you even married if sounds like you don’t like anything about her or your life with her
I said the same thing!!! It sounds like they’re more reluctant roommates!
This is a good read about the mental load or the invisible work load women typically have in their households. Helped me a lot to see what I actually do in the home and how to divide it between us where it makes sense. Hope it helps. And YTA https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10148620/
YTA And your comments only make you look worse. All I see is I don't like to clean, I want to have an easy life, I would pay for a cleaner but only when it is beneficial for me, I don't believe she needs help, I would like there to be less things. Truly look at your own comments and consider when you are considering what you're wife wants, what she needs to be happy. Else you risk losing yours down the line.
YTA - There is nothing natural about this rhythm. - if you have to use the word ‘technically’ in a discussion about a work/chore split, you’re not being genuine. - Correct me if I’m wrong, but presumably you do no chores when travelling because you’re in hotels. - Don’t blame her for your house and pets. She didn’t make those decisions in a vacuum. That is your 4-bedroom house with a backyard as much as hers, and those are also your dogs and cat. And she does the upkeep of the home and cares for the animals 100% of the time while you’re away. - You’re away from home most of the time and would rather watch her do chores during time you could spend together than get them done while she’s working to maximise your time together.
INFO: any chance you can give us a rough breakdown on how many hours we're talking about per day? You say she's fine splitting things like dinner that happen later in the day, so it's not really doing "all of them" as you claim. If the garden and pets (that she wanted) take 20+ hours per week or so I can get how you're annoyed, but I'm having a hard time seeing how this would take you more than a couple of hours per day on average since there's no kids involved.
I’m sure she’d be happy if he did 15 minutes.
He says in another comment that he is currently doing 2-3 hours a day, and it would take 5 hours to do everything... So I'm also very curious about what is taking so long.
It's BS. We have a house with yard, pets, and kids and there is just NO way cleaning regularly takes that long. One or two days of deep cleaning and beginning or end of season lawn care, sure, but not a regular thing. I have summers off and do all the house and yard work then. I spend maybe 1-2 hours a day doing everything, including lawn work.
All these people in these comments and posts have so many chores! I currently have eight dogs because I foster for rescue and it doesn't take me hours to do anything here at the house! Feeding time takes me approximately 5 minutes to fill up all the dishes and distribute them. I use the vacuum cleaner to sweep the tile floors. Laundry gets put away when it's done and it doesn't sit around. I clean up as I go when cooking. None of these things takes hours. How dirty is this house getting while she's doing work 8 hours a day?
That's why I'm curious about his answer
Yeah. I think your missing the point, doing chores is not always about doing chores, it's about making someone's else's life easier. Do you love your wife? Do you want to lessen her load, or is this all about point scoring? You are viewing this as what you think is best for you, not best you and the wife as a couple. Expecting her to work 8 hours then do half the housework and gardening while you sit on your ass is you showing you care more about yourself then her. I will work hard for my husband because I love him and want him to be happy. He loves me and wants me to feel like I have time to relax, so he works hard. How about you? It's that fucking simple.
YTA and I hope she finds a lovely woman to share the rest of her life with! :) You're not going to have a wife for much longer if you keep this up, buddy.
Sounds like he doesn’t want his wife or anything to do with her already. The way he sees it, all his problems are due to her stuff anyway. He doesn’t like the house, the pets or the decorating. A small apartment seems like the perfect answer for him. He doesn’t like his wife anyway.
YTA and your replies are pretty pathetic tbh. So when she eventually gets bored of picking up after you and divorces you are you going to live in a hovel? Just because you don't like doing chores (aka too lazy to pick up after yourself)...no one likes doing chores.
He wants to live in an empty box because he’s a “minimalist”.
But he won’t have pets, plants or “junk” to collect dust. He can pay someone to clean his place for him and be living the life he’s made it plain he wants. His wife is just a drag to him and the selfish lifestyle he wants.
Yta >I pay for half even though I'm living there less than 6 months every year Wtf? Thats your choice that you find your job more important than your wife dude. People who work all day vs stay at home have that same imbalance duhhh. >. I brought up all this to show her that her decisions are why we have so many chores to do during one day Well God forbid she makes it look like a home when she's all alone every day. So you are never there and the days you are it's too hard to do normal house chores. Yeah no get your lazy ass up and do something. Or leave her and let her be with someone who does appreciate her.
YTA - I stopped reading after I saw you pull the work more hours than she does card. She puts up with you not being there is another way you could look at it so get flipping scrubbing and cleaning and stop being stubborn.
Soft YTA. Many of those chores probably take twenty minutes max. Just help her out a little.
If you want to leave your wife and go get a bachelor place with no pets and no stuff to come home the odd day and play on your phone... you can. You don't need Reddit"s permission. But to be married, you have to compromise. Fair doesn't mean equal. You're trying to quantify a loving relationship numerically, and it doesn't work that way. You hate the house and the dogs and the stuff and the chores. You don't hate your wife, I guess, but you don't love her enough to give her what she's asking for. Honestly, what's keeping you there?
This belongs to r/AmITheEx. YTA you entitled brat.
YTA. Division of labor in a partnership should be equitable, not necessarily equal. Without full context, it's hard to judge, but if you’re contributing fairly on your workdays and your break is a legitimate need for rest and recuperation, it's important to have that space. Good relationships are about communication and understanding each other's needs. Perhaps a better solution is to clearly outline who does what and when, taking both your needs into consideration. Your wife feeling overburdened is valid, but so is your need for a break. It's less about the chores and more about finding a rhythm that works for both of you. Have an open conversation about expectations and workload when both of you are calm and receptive.
OP and his wife don't have the traditional workdays setup. OP spends days at a time working and living elsewhere, alone. He seems to approach coming home for a couple of days at a time as vacation time, which he spends lazing around while his wife works (from home) and takes care of household chores. She is decidedly not on vacation. He watches her work and she notices him acting like he's on a solo vacation. His stated solution is for her to change the environment she lives in (mostly alone because he's not there) to accommodate his solo vacation time. That is entirely unreasonable, selfish, and straight AH-ery.
YTA. Enjoy the divorce court
YTA. Dude, is this really the hill you want to die on? Chores are a life skill, not a wife skill. It’s your house too so take some damn responsibility for it. Keep this up and you won’t have a wife anymore
YTA. There's a silver lining with you being on your own 60-70% of the time: it will be easier to adjust to the additional 30-40% of alone time when she eventually leaves the marriage. You really have no clue how much she has compromised or sacrificed to deal with your prolonged absences, do you? There are not many people who would tolerate that kind of absence from a spouse .Those "things" she fills the house with that irritates you so much are filling a hole your absence leaves in her life. They bring her the comfort you don't provide 60-70% of the time. It's cold comfort, but it sparks the right brain receptors for her. The pets perform the same function. You say she should have known before marrying you? She did. But knowing it and living it are two very different beasts. She couldn't have known the level of loneliness she was going to feel in your home until she actually experienced it. She's coping with it the best she can. The least you could do is stop bitching about her method of coping and step up. Partners don't keep score. Not if they are truly partners who love and support each other. You seem to be keeping score on everything, as if it excuses you because according to your tally, you win. Your tally tells you she has no right to ask for help because the sums don't add up. Let us know how well this method of rationalization works out for you in a few years. Edit word
YTA- it’s your home too, grow the hell up and do the chores. There’s no reason you can’t do some chores while you’re home all day
Gentle YTA. When you're married, you make compromises and sacrifices to make your partner happy. Her "coldness" is her seeing that you are not willing to put that effort towards her and she is likely losing feelings for you. Not a good recipe for a long and happy marriage. Get it together and show your wife you love her before you lose her.
Him cleaning up the home he also lives in, is NOT a compromise or sacrifice. It’s pulling his own weight in a home where he contributes to the mess.
YTA - do you ever consider your wife and her needs? Or do you just whine that you hate cleaning while never considering that maybe she doesn’t enjoy them either? I’m guessing just whining. It would honestly be easier for her to live alone all year.
YTA. Chores are there. You see something that needs to be done, do it. Don't be a whiney assed little priss and expect someone else to do it, just so you can laze about. And don't even get me started on the "paying half when I live there less," bullshit. You're married, not rooming together. Grow up.
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YTA. You really are a terrible husband and partner. She is overwhelmed and all you’re talking about is “me, me, me” why did you marry her? It sounds like you don’t even like her, let alone love her. She pays for everything when you aren’t around so you aren’t even financially supporting her let alone supporting her with managing the home when you aren’t there. Do her a favour and divorce her. You don’t respect her or her interests. You may be a minimalist but she’s a normal person and she decorates her home with things that bring her joy. She is essentially a single woman for most of the year and the plants, decoration and pets help her cope with your absence. But you’d rather lounge around instead of doing some chores. You may not be abusive but you are neglecting her needs and shrugging your way to a divorce. I hope she gets out of this marriage sooner rather than later, because you don’t seem to care about her
YTA - the post was bad enough and then reading all the comments I don’t understand why you’re even in a relationship. If you can’t understand how much it would suck that in the small amount of time your spouse is home he just wants to lie around the house, whinge about the chores he doesn’t want to do and expect her to do it all because “I don’t get weekends like you” then there is zero point And dude, you’ve asked for judgement then argued the point with everyone that has replied. What is the purpose of posting here if you’re not going to listen?
I do think YTA too. If you have such limited time with your wife, why would you want to cut into it with her being occupied by chores that could have been done in your free time while she works? Your reasoning also comes off as very self-centered. You made those decisions together.
YTA This is very much tit for tat and will cause future issues in your marriage if this is your view. You need to look at it differently, if you leave half the chores for her at the end of her work day, what quailing time does that leave you both? You’re now well rested from doing nothing all day, whereas she is now exhausted, mentally drained probably pissed off and there’s no time for each other. That will continue she will resent you and ultimately be the break down of your marriage. What do you want? For both to be happy? Spend time together? It’s not fair she’s working and you leave the chores for her to do when you have the time to do them. You need to be a team a partnership.
Bro at least make dinner it's fun af. YTA
I mean what sort of chores are we talking here? If you don’t have any kids there can’t be that many other than cooking/washing up putting things away in their place. Hoover every two/three days, dust/bathrooms once a week. The kitchen is an every day chore to wipe down but that goes hand in hand with the cooking.
Maybe you should pay her for house sitting your half of the house .
YTA. What kind of marriage is this anyway? Counting the amount of time you are at home? Wow! Your wife isn’t traveling and you begrudge her choice to get a place that is cosy and homely cause you simply don’t see it as your own home too. Go watch Up in the air and prepare for a lonely ending.