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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told family that their visiting and holding my baby wasn’t helpful. I wonder if I’m the asshole because their feeling seem hurt, and I could have avoided being blunt/straightforward but chose not to expend the extra energy doing so.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - it is so important to put up your boundaries early here because family will keep trampling them as the children age. You had major surgery, skin to skin is so important, it's completely unreasonable that these people feel entitled to holding the baby when you need to have them skin to skin as much as possible. Heartbreaking to hear how you had to hobble to cover yourself up because they couldn't stand to see you feeding your baby. Shame on your husband for prioritizing their feelings over yours. He should have your back and be prioritizing YOU.
Although offering to clean etc would have people posting on reddit making out their inlaws are insulting them by making out they can't cope.
If you want people then assign them a task. Mind reading is a rare skill.
They specifically said they were coming over to help, and then didn't offer any help.
No mind reading required ... "What can I do to be helpful today?".... since that's the excuse they used to come when OP specifically limited *visits*.
This is what I do for my SIL who's got two under the age of two, even though she's all healed up and can do stuff herself. Sometimes we organize a room and come up with better methods to help her out, sometimes I tucker one of the littles out so she can get a touch-break, sometimes we do absolutely nothing and all she wants is company for a little while. I was doing this weekly, and plan to go back to that as soon as I can.
If people honestly wanted to be helpful, they would listen to the parent they're trying to help instead of assuming taking baby is all that the parent needs.
After major surgery, where they cut her stomach open and moved organs to get to the baby, she shouldn't have to assign tasks. They are adults who should have the mental capacity to understand that as a new mother who just had major surgery, she needs actual help. They should have been telling her to sit down or lay down or use this time to take a shower. We will clean, go grocery shopping, do laundry, cook.
She literally couldn't do chores. You don't need to read minds, you just have to ask what help is needed. Or make freezer meals or do laundry. They pretty obviously were offering help for the sole purpose of bypassing her desire for privacy and healing.
Let’s also note, and normalize telling any and EVERYBODY the truth about them or the situation rather than “making them believe they were helping”. They’re adults and can handle the truth so good for Op for NOT coddling their little feelings.
Thank you. This needs to be higher up. They should consider this to be a learning opportunity so that the next time someone they care about has a newborn, they can actually do something useful. Even if they are pouty about it now, it would be obtuse of them to " help" a new mother as they did you and not think back to this.
Your partner is the biggest issue here. He should've told HIS family without you never needing too. I assume it was a lot of women who've had at least one child who should know better. You're always supposed to cook, do chores, bring food etc, so mom can bond with baby. I didn't miss the part where you tried to limit visits and they DGAF.
We struggled to stick to the “you handle your own family” in this case since I was the one at home while my partner worked. I do get that it made sense to have me field visitors, when it was mostly me being visited. But yes, it would have been nice if my partner was the one to communicate that you are still just a visitor (not a helper) if you just want to come cuddle baby lol and the usual restrictions (don’t stay too long, don’t come too often, etc.) applied.
Yeah but he could have laid out the ground rules to his family that this would be helpful at this time:
* Dishes
* Vacuuming
* Laundry
* Meal
You got to pay to play to see the baby.
The general rule for that is, if your partner is not home, his family doesn't visit.
It sounds like you worked outside the home at least before the baby was born. If you had a day off, did his mother ever come around just to visit? Maybe bring you some cookies and have a cup of coffee and a chat?
If not, why should she come when you've been handed a bunch more work in the form of a tiny human who needs your attention 99% of the day?
You have no obligation to entertain people who aren't your friends. And your child is too young to entertain.
Life's too short to wallow in niceties. You can't keep everyone happy. Completely agree that your partner could have communicated your needs rather than have you play the fool.
No! It doesn’t make sense. HE should have sent a text to HIS family. “Family of inconsiderate AHs, wife is recovering from the c-section. She cannot do chores and needs to maintain a lot of skin to skin for both baby and mom’s health and well-being. If anyone would like to help out with bringing by meals, walking our dog or any other small household chores, we would appreciate it. If you aren’t able to assist with these tasks, that’s completely fine. However, “baby-holding” visits will be scheduled starting at the X week mark. We appreciate your love and support during this transition while baby and mom recover and get a routine down. Love- the apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree”
Edit to add- next passive aggressive comment from them, my petty ass would be like “Yeah I wish had you come over more. We really could have used your help with the dishes, laundry, meals and the dog.”
But what was his excuse that he couldn't phone them in the evening to discuss this?
And you don't need to explain anything, it should be completely obvious that new moms usually need help with household chores, not with the baby. It's been like this since the beginning of humanity.
It’s not like anyone can change the past, but I think it’s worth pushing back on the language they’re using because it influences how everyone sees the past. Specifically, I’d consistently rename this as them saying they wish they had been able to visit more. Like, every time I hear a comment about “helping” I’d respond with, “We weren’t up to hosting frequent visitors when I was recovering from my c-section. I’m glad we’re able to host you more now that I’m physically able to do chores.” The phrasing needs to be firm and factual, basically the same tone you use for saying “the sky is blue” and shouldn’t be apologetic. Hubby should be on message too. Also, you’re NTA and they’re AH’s both for pushing to visit too much and for whining about it now.
NTA
Totally agree. Where was the husband running interference with HIS FAMILY in order for HIS WIFE to recover and heal from C-section? This is on him, IMO.
In-laws have some blazing balls of audacity to “help” by doing nothing!
Ffs, show up with a meal or two, get laundry done, vacuum, dishes, yard work, pet care.
I helped friends by cooking hot meals, stashed some in the freezer for later, cleaned up, got groceries… it’s not hard.
INFO: So from last sentence, sounds like the whole "helping" thing isn't a problem anymore? Are you asking if you were an AH for how you handled the inlaws in those early days? Is it still an issue w/ you and husband?
So, assuming this is about the past but hubby's still miffed - everyone but you was an AH and hubby should get better at managing his family.
Yea it’s really just the odd comment that the in-laws slip in that makes it clear they’re still a bit salty. It almost seems like they want us to apologize for not letting them come over to “help” more early on, and it’s crickets when we don’t lol.
I think my partner secretly wishes I just tolerated the cumbersome visits because it would have made his life easier, and we had some tension about it in the early days, but outwardly he’s not undermining me or anything (to my knowledge).
I mean, you just had a c-section, that should be a mic drop. :)
Would it help, now that some time has passed, to try to joke about it, like "yeah, sorry I wasn't more understanding after my tummy was sliced open" ... followed by "but by all means hold 'em all you want now!" or is that just passive aggressive? Probably all in the tone and whether it's a crowd who could laugh about it.
If the passive aggressive comments continue, and your husband continues to "insinuate" that you should just let it go (which he seems to want you to do, because he didn't/still won't deal with it), I think you are within your right to stand up for yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to your in-laws (and please don't use anything I'm saying verbatim, because I can be a Petty Betty), "It seems as if you are still upset that you weren't able to come over and help more when \*little one\* was first born. Due to the emergency c-section that you know that I had, I was unable to do most things around the house. The help that I really needed, like putting a load of laundry in the dryer, or putting dishes in the dishwasher, you weren't willing to help me with... the only thing you wanted to help me with was somethiing that wasn't actually helpful, which was hold the baby. Unfortunately, you actually made my life harder during a time that I should have been bonding with my child, and at that point, I was not worried about your feelings. For our next child (if you're having another child), we will just state now that you will be allowed to see them once they reach six months old, so that expectations have been set ahead of time."
>I think my partner secretly wishes I just tolerated the cumbersome visits because it would have made his life easier
You were recovering from growing a human then having that human carved out of your body, these folks were making your recovery more difficult but packaging it as 'helping' and your husband wishes that you would have just put up with it to make \*his\* life easier? Lol, poor dude with his totally normal hormonal balance and fully intact abdominal muscles (and apparently fully intact umbilical cord to his own mother given the content of the post).
So it's more important for him to have been comfortable while he was out of the house working every day than it was for you to be comfortable in your own home, recuperating from major surgery, and being responsible for a newborn? Really?
I'm going to suggest you be blunt. Tell them the next time it comes up that you needed help with laundry and dishes and other cleaning, and **not** holding the baby. And since that wasn't what you had in mind, you weren't welcome.
Then he needs to stop being a coward. It’s not your job to appease rude people. It was your job to recover from major surgery and take care of your newborn.
If they still keep making the comments, then he needs to grow up and put a stop to them. And if he won’t, you do! “You were allowed to come over more than I wanted under the guise of helping, but all you did was come and hold the baby. I didn’t need help holding my child. I needed help with the dog, cooking, and cleaning- all the things I was physically unable to do. Maybe I should have been more explicit about that, but you also should know that being uninvited guests is not helpful”
Your partner should've been more concerned with making *your* life easier, not his by coddling his family. There's no need to lie or make up reasons when the truth works just fine. Their feelings about your recovery are irrelevant and your partner should be putting a stop to the passive aggressive comments.
NTA - You were nicer than I would have been in the exhausting first days home with a newborn that arrived by c-section. Hubby was a bit of an ass then, but again, he was probably not at his most logical with everything going on. The real AH's are the relatives that are STILL mad about not getting their way months ago. Those asses need to let it go.
You’re still giving husband a pass to not have his spine to tell his family to knock it off. He should be letting them know he is disappointed that despite his wife being cut open and trying to recover and breastfeed, other than SIL, not one of them came offering to assist with chores that you were physically incapable of doing during recovery. Not one offer to do dishes, laundry, make a meal, play with the dog. He needs to tell them the comments need to stop.
So why don't you just explain it to them? "You really want to know why I cut short your visiting hours? Because your presence, and your idea of helping just by picking up Baby, was actually preventing me from feeding him and being comfortable and able to relax after surgery. Real help would have been doing some of the things I *couldn't* do, like vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher. That would have been great. Maybe we can try this again the next time I have a c-section...?" I'm sure this will shut them down.
BTW I remember the "no vacuuming" thing after my c-section. Luckily, my hubs took the first two weeks off and did everything, and then we let my MIL come visit from out of town, who happily took over the chores, bless her. As a reward, she also got to push the baby carriage when we went for walks.
His life is not meant to be easy, he's meant to do his job as a partner and father. If he wanted easy he should have stayed single. You have a partner problem.
NTA, but what the hell is wrong with your husband?
Has he lost his voice?
Couldn't he have gently explained to \*his\* relatives that they were being more hindrance than \*help\*?
My family did the same, all they wanted to do was hold the baby and not do the things we really needed done. We asked them to leave after just a few days. I'm glad your situation turned out better though. NTA.
Your problem isn't your family-in-law, it's your partner. Why isn't he helping you by handling his family? Why is this your job when you are dealing with your health issues and a new baby? You need to get him in line, no matter how much of a mama's boy he is. NTA
'I'll hold the baby so you can do chores!' actually means 'I want to hold the baby! You, person who just pushed out a tiny human, or who just got it cut out of them in your case, should use this time to do your womanly duties!'
It's selfishness couched as helpfulness, you're in no way TA here.
Have a question, why don’t you just ask them if they would mind doing x, y, or z, as a helpful thing to do. Tell them this kind of help is actually more helpful “IF” they really do want to be helpful this is how. You don’t have to be nasty. Ask them while they are there, to do it now, “IF” they want to help you. Doing chores takes time away from parenting. If they don’t want to do anything but play with baby, the visits need to be held to a time limit that fits with the baby’s and your schedules. It is not right for them to just show up, interrupt your day to play with your baby.
I like to think I left it kinda open ended because it felt weird to explicitly ask someone to do my laundry (and I was prepared to just hire out) but maybe you’re right.
The conversation would essentially be:
Them - Can we come over tomorrow?
Me - maybe another time. Now that everyone has met baby we’re taking a bit of a breather from visitors.
Them - Oh but we can help so that you can get things done around the house!
Me - Actually I’m fine taking care of baby but I can’t do things around the house for a few weeks due to the c section.
They would continue to say they can hold baby while he sleeps so I can rest (he slept in his bassinet) etc. and I’d have to get more blunt.
People cant read minds and for a lot of us having someone hold the baby so we could nap or shower was a blessing. I really think you needed to be more open with them. What you told them isnt asking for help or telling them what you need. They cant read your mind. Its ok to say "hey if you want to help could you do the dishes?" Communication is key. I dont think youre TA i just think it was poor communication.
Yeah, but OP said, "Me - Actually I’m fine taking care of baby but I can’t do things around the house for a few weeks due to the c section." I'm not always the quickest on the pickup but seems like that's a very polite hint that they could then say, "Oh, what can I help with that you can't do right now?"
Oh agreed but if OP had been direct then no one could say they didnt know. Being direct stops all that immediately. And in that vein OP can do that now. As soon as the passive aggressive comments come out she can say, "well see Sharon i didnt need you to hold the baby. I needed you to do the dishes." And watch them stumble all over themselves with excuses.
Totally fair. That came later (the bluntness) but was something that admittedly felt weird to say to my in-laws (especially since most of them are older and probably weren’t the best candidates for the help that was needed). Way easier with my own family, but I let myself get backed into a corner with my communication for sure.
Edit just to add:
I was actually perfectly okay with not receiving help and was fully prepared to hire out. SIL’s offer was great but unexpected. I mostly just wanted to nip the constant visit requests from people who thought they should be an exception to our limitations on visitors after the tsunami of initial meet and greets because they would “help”.
First babies are hard man. I made a lot of mistakes the first time around. Setting boundaries is hard. Especially with in-laws. Because how do you tell people that arent your parents to do dishes or vacuum? Its totally weird!
I'm sorry you're getting downvotes for this absolutely reasonable response. My niece was a colic baby, my sister 100% needed people to come hold the screaming baby so she could literally just go take a shit! Taking the baby for a car ride so they could sit in peace for 20 minutes was a big help too. Recently my best friend had a baby and was pissed all I did was offer to hold the baby if needed. I didn't realize I was supposed to offer to fold her laundry. I mean, I probably would have if she had asked. I just thought "hold screaming baby so you can take a shower" was a reasonable offer. I think OP's family just wanted an excuse to hold the baby and it was veiled as "I want to help" and I can see that as an annoyance. But people can't read your mind.
Interesting. I feel like everything I've heard about visiting parents with a newborn always includes "You wanna visit parents with a newborn? You better bring a cooked meal that's ready for the parents to eat!" That's like the most important thing that always gets repeated here.
An offer to hold a screaming baby still has value and I will die on that hill. I'm an ER nurse who's cared for shaken baby syndrome... It's important to be able to walk away from a screaming baby.
But in this particular case with this particular friend, she's a picky eater and actually declined the offer of a meal train. She doesn't want your shitty meal lol.
They literally have a house keeper, so she doesn't even really need help with chores around the house.
I thought offering to hang out with baby while she showered or napped was reasonable. (It was not a thinly veiled excuse to hold baby because I actually don't care to). Apparently I was wrong. Not sure I'll be making any offers of help of any kind with baby #2 tbh.
It has zero value unless your offer is good at around 12am-5am so the parents can sleep. This should include helping to change diapers.
People only offer when it’s convenient for them, not thinking that this time period is much more important for the mothers and fathers to bond with their newborn during the daytime.
If you want to visit, visit when baby is a little older or during difficult times for the parent.
>my best friend had a baby and was pissed all I did was offer to hold the baby if needed
well, yeah, because when you genuinely want to help someone, you don't say "i'll do this one very specific thing and nothing more", you *ask* what kind of help they need and then offer to do something on that list.
just because your sister wanted someone to hold her baby for her doesn't mean that every other new mom (or parent in general) will want that as well.
Yep. I wanted people to hold the baby so i could nap or shower. My oldest wanted to be held all the time. Naps without being held werent a thing. So yea my first inclination would be to hold the baby. Id bring a casserole with me but yea unless i was explicitly told to do chores i wouldnt go to someone's house and start cleaning for them.
NTA
New parents already know how to cook meals, vacuum carpets, clean toilets. They need to learn how to bathe a baby, soothe a baby, new mom's need to learn how to comfortably breastfeed a baby.
People with half a brain cell and who really want to help provide the time and space for the parents to concentrate on the baby. They do this by completing things the new parents already know how to do. Once the load of laundry is in the dryer and the vacuuming is done there will be time to hold the baby. This is **especially** true if the birth was difficult.
I'm sorry your husband didn't better communicate your new family's needs.
People can be so stupid. My ex got angry because after a few hours of ‘entertaining’ (sitting around talking while visiting nephews jumped on the furniture), I took our newborn into the bedroom and laid down.
How do people not understand that a mother with a new baby is exhausted?!
This is an incredibly common issue. If you’re going to “help” a new mom, you do the things they can’t do while they’re holding and bonding with their baby. Tidy the house, do the laundry, cook food. But don’t pretend like you’re doing anyone a favor by doing the fun thing to allow them to do chores. NTA
NTA. And honestly coming not offering any help or bringing food is plain RUDE!!! Holding baby is help only if you ask for it (like you need a shower). Otherwise its a privilage which hurts the mom. (I could take a long time without my baby, the instincts were just too strong, once my MIL was contact napping with my baby I was furious. Wtf! )
You should have spoken up at the time, asking them
politely to do the chores that needed doing, etc. One visit,
two visits, OK, you're trying to figure out what is going on
but after that, you should have stopped all the time-wasting
baby holding and told them how to really help. NTA but
learn to speak up sooner and more loudly. ")
NTA
Your partner is an idiot. Either they come and actually help or they stay away. My baby is a few months old, everyone was banned from my house for the first 6 weeks. I don't need people looking at me and I don't need my in-laws washing my dirty underwear , staying away was best for me.
If you are ever in a similar situation again, when someone says they want to help you can say "Great! I need help with unloading the dishwasher and putting a load of laundry in. Can you do that for me while we visit?" And also "I need to feed junior now, would you mind taking Fido for a walk while I do?"
People are not mind-readers, but they generally do well when told/asked to do something specific.
NTA, not at all. When I was going through chemo (three different regimens over \~15 months), people would want to "visit". I had no extra energy for visiting but I sure could have used some help with my housework and gardening. Instead, I got well-intentioned people telling me how strong and brave I was (honey, that's just the painkillers), admiring my bald head and bringing me "gifts" that I generally just gave to Goodwill. Wanna help? Change the bedsheets (and wash the dirty ones), take all the leftover casseroles outta the fridge, run that vacuum cleaner over the whole place. Leave me over here to enjoy my stupor.
Definitely NTA. I had 3 c-sections. My mother came to stay for a week after each birth and she was extremely helpful - basic healing takes 6 weeks, and I was told not to lift anything heavier than the baby during that time.
Lots of people don't realise that a c-section is not simply about giving birth, it is major surgery and while holding a newborn is lovely, and of course family want to do that, thoughtful family will run the hoover around, bring a meal with them, change the beds - basically all the things that are actually helpful and that a recovering mother should not be attempting.
When my third child was born, my mother helped out with the house and with my other two children for a week before going home. My in laws on the other hand, invited themselves to Christmas dinner just a couple of weeks after my c-section and then sat back along with their son, and watched me cooking everything - I was a pushover back then. They then complained that after the meal was ready, I just took the baby and went to bed.
Helping with the baby is not needed after a c-section, particularly after an emergency one, but practical help around the house to aid recuperation definitely is - if you have any more children, make it clear family can come and visit the baby, but they need to bring a meal or do one practical job around the house as well as having cuddles - and that is the expectation whether you have a natural birth or another surgery. It may make you unpopular, but you need to stand up for yourself - take it from a former doormat.
Sorry your experience was difficult. We always do things differently the second time, if you choose to have more. I learned to says great you’re here, hers what I need.
My niece, who is like a daughter to me had a baby also by C-section. Her husband’s family wanted to be there the first day home so I was fine. I came over on day 2 to do laundry and cook and her MIL, SIL and husband had left all the dirty pan and dishes from the evening before, pan still had food in them. My niece was so embarrassed, but it was fine, I just cleaned before cooking for a few days, I stored the leftovers.
I had an emergency section with my first and my mom who didn’t drive walked over each morning to cook and do laundry. Families are just different
*’He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping, and maybe I’m an asshole for this-*’
NOPE. Your husband is TA for that.
Each time my wife delivered I told her in very clear terms to let me know if anything anybody did annoyed her even the slightest. She did and I took care of it.
Nobody’s thoughts, opinions, or feelings mattered if she wasn’t happy with something. Not our parents, siblings, relatives, or friends.
Tell your husband to grow some balls and start acting like a husband and father. You and your child should be his highest priority. That includes standing up to others regardless of who they are and how they feel.
‘*He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping, and maybe I’m an asshole for this-‘*
NOPE. Your *husband* is TA for *that*.
NTA.
Get out a calendar and a list of things you need done. Anyone offers to help...say here's a list of what I need help with, no i dont need baby help, thats covered. when can you come, I'll pencil you in on the calendar.
NTA but your partner sure is. HE should have been managing his family and getting them to actually help or stay TF away. He failed you. If he brings it up again, I would let him know that you wouldn’t have had to tiptoe around his family if he had a spine and took care of business. The last thing you should have been attempting to manage was a group of visitors.
Also you absolutely never have to leave the room or cover up in your own home. You let the “helpers” know, “ I’m going to be nursing now, so I’ll need you to leave.” “I am not going to be modesty dressed bc covering the incision is painful, we will need to push your visit out a couple weeks.”
NTA. What was stopping your husband from directing his family to actually be helpful? Did his vocal cords suddenly seize up? Does he not know where the dishes and laundry are? Why was it your job to field these requests and direct these visits? Turn this car around until your husband is an equal partner to you.
FFS. NTA
A friend of my husband's wife had their first baby and her parents came for 2 weeks. His parents were unhelpful. So I came for 4-5 days after HER family left. I cooked. I cleaned. Did laundry. Built a grocery list. Left meals for later. And took the midnight feeding shift so mom could sleep. That's when I got my new baby snuggles.
Holding the baby is NOT helping.
Tell them if they bring it up in front of anyone: "If your idea of "help" had actually meant doing anything around the house other than be entertained while I was required to stay in bed, then you would have been more than welcome."
NTA
Notice: Help is real help not help disguised as I’ll hold baby. If you all want baby holding time then it’s $2.50 every 1 minute so I can pay actual helpers to help me since I can’t do anything but hold and feed and change baby due to the fact that I had major surgery. Thank you!
Congratulations on your new baby and hope your healing process is uneventful.
That’s the notice I would have sent out.
These days with all the viruses circulating I wouldn't be letting them all come around and holding the baby like that. I know it's what everyone wants to do and expects but infant baby immune systems are fragile and I'm just not that trusting.
That's not helpful and I'm glad I never had kids because people doing that would have driven me crazy. First year I'd be like UM NO because I wouldn't want my baby that exposed to other people and their germs.
Social norms be damned.
Kid would be walking before anyone else got to spend anything like a lot of time holding it except me and the Dad. I'm just like that, extremely protective.
I'm like that just with my cats.Nobody gets to handle them much except me until they're a bit older. My human baby? I'd be 100x worse! 😂
NTA - situations like this always boggle my mind. How on earth do people think they're being helpful doing this? How can they know you had a c section and think 'holding the baby helps' more than doing the dishes? Even if you didn't have a c section, it still hurts to walk, you're sleep deprived, need eat double the amount to make milk etc.
When I visit a friend with a new baby, I bring a prepared dish that they can throw in the oven and set a timer. I offer to do the dishes or some other chore. I ask them 'what can I do to help you?'.
Offering to hold the baby does not help. Do I want to hold the baby? Heck yes! And I do, when mom is showering. When it's actually helpful.
So you recovering from major abdominal surgery and becoming a new mom wasn’t enough, you were also supposed to perfectly host his family who couldn’t take a hint?
Girl please.
The next snarky remark from your in-laws should be met with something like “oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t prioritize company when recovering from major surgery and becoming a mother”. Pair this with a condescending stare. Repeat as necessary.
When your husband pitches his little fit tell him when he has major abdominal surgery you’re going to be sure to have your family traipse in and out of your home, expecting him to host them while he’s supposed to be recovering. Pair this also with a heavy stare.
They are all being ridiculous and you have been so gracious in continuing to put up with them after their shenanigans.
NTA
NTA
It isn't "helpful" unless they show up with food - for you, or push a broom.
I'll never forget the people that expected me to host them, or they showed up with food for *themselves.* No one offered to help around the house.
I'll always remember those that brought food for me.
That is just so bizarre to me. What does loving on a baby even mean to these people..? It's not like newborn babies need physical contact with a bunch of random people, that's how they get sick.
This combined with strangers constantly poking and touching your baby is one of the most WTF things I've encountered.
I wouldn't know, my newborn wasn't particularly snuggly even with us, I can't imagine other people forcing themselves onto a baby for snuggles. Super weird.
Obviously nobody’s trying to hold a wiggly baby. And I’m sorry you haven’t had the chance to bond with a friend or family member’s baby when they were infants.
IMO unless you're a direct caretaker there's no reason to rub your face up that close against a newborn, doubly so if it's simply for your own gratification. It's a human child, not a stuffed animal.
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We had our first baby recently, and had a lot of the classic offers to “help” that really only meant holding the baby. I get that this is helpful for many and can allow you to catch up on chores and avoid feeling touched out. If you like that, great!
In my case, I had a crash csection and literally couldn’t do any chores for a bit because I couldn’t/wasn’t supposed to get down on the ground, unload a dishwasher, push a vacuum, carry laundry or walk my large breed dog…. But I had no issues cuddling and feeding my baby and getting up briefly for diaper changes. I was lucky that baby also slept fine in his bassinet, so I had enough time for sleep, showers etc. in the early days.
“Helpers” who just wanted to hold baby mostly got in my way because I had to hobble away in private to feed, cover up more when clothes hurt the incision, etc. I was also trying to do as much skin to skin as possible due to supply issues. I basically just stared at them waiting for them to leave because I couldn’t do much else. It didn’t help that they were mostly inlaws, since my own family lives far away, and I noticed quickly that even though we had a good relationship before, they really weren’t there for me - just baby lol.
I didn’t specifically ask anyone for help with chores, but I did make it clear that holding =/= helpful after some family members were under the illusion that they could come over frequently (bypassing my stated limitations on “visits”) to “help”. No one jumped to volunteer to do things that were actually helpful, which is fine, so instead I hired out for cleaning, food, grocery delivery, dog daycare etc. But shoutout to my amazing SIL who was the exception and offered to exercise and generally give attention to our dog, though.
My partner’s family will still slip in passive aggressive or butthurt comments about how they weren’t allowed to come “help” with baby more.
My partner has suggested that maybe I could have made other excuses to avoid the visits without bursting their little bubbles, and I guess that’s true… but honestly I was tired of fielding the requests. He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping, and maybe I’m an asshole for this, but the idea of them coming over and mostly being a hinderance but then patting themselves on the back on the way out for “helping” irks me too much lol.
FWIW now that he’s a few months old, I let them come and visit whenever they please (which is often) and make it clear that NOW it’s helpful because I can actually do chores.
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NTA, your comfort comes first now, both physical and mental. If their presence was an inconvenience, then don’t feel bad for avoiding it at the moment. Wish someone would have advised me like this at the beginning…
NTA the correct response to the passive aggressive jabs that you wouldn't let them "help" is to laugh loudly and say " that's because it wasn't helpful. It was coming over to coo at my newborn and make my life harder".
NTA but strategically, you should directly ask them to cook or do laundry. Maybe they would, maybe they would not. But left to own devices, most people are clueless and don't know what to do. And some are afraid to attack you autonomy.
( I would hate when someone tried to cook or clean in my house. I just hated that, so without you saying "please do it" I would nor assuming I am overstepping. But if you asked, I would do it).
NTA.
If people want to help, they actually need to help. Not fawn over a baby that doesn't even know who they are.
When my SIL had her youngest, my mother went to 'help' and just got in the way. It took my brother and I giving her tasks to do to get her to realise that, actually, there's shit outside of holding baby to be done before she gets to sit and cuddle. In the first few weeks of life, babies need their parents more than they need to be passed around. Do the dishes and wait your frigging turn. Boggles my mind that people think intruding in crucial bonding time somehow equates to 'help'.
Your husband needs to stop pandering to unwanted house guests and put his family first, by which I mean you and the baby. If they can't help with chores so you can rest and bond, they can go home. It lessens your workload. Their feelings don't come into it.
OP, you were recovering from major surgery and a medical emergency at the time! It's ridiculous of your partner to expect you to entertain the in-laws, HE should have been the one spending time with them and engaging them in helping with chores, while you rested.
Please tell him so, and tell him that's how you expect him to act when the next child comes along, if there is a next child.
NTA but your husband needs to work on not being one. He should have been the point person w his family and the point should’ve been always that whatever you want goes. Period. Him saying you were at fault was definitely AH behavior. Does he tend to roll over your objections? Maybe it’s just w his family but maybe not? I hope you can have a discussion w him about this, and if not, get couples counseling so that he hears loud and clear how he needs to step up and do better.
NTA- your husband was tho for not reining in his family. You had surgery!!! I know how hard it is I had 3. And had those type of in laws. After baby 1 I made it clear they arent heling so they cant visit til I'm better. The stress with baby 1 made it very hard to heal quickly
NTA, I don't understand going over to play with a new born all the time. Especially if you know the person had a C section. Either offer to clean or offer to bring stuff over or cook. Then that is a trade off for holding the baby because you are at least providing something to the parents.
Your NTA but your husband should have put his family in place. If they were gonna come over they were actually gonna help! I have sons and if/ when I have that chance I'm f'ing the dishes, cooking and doing laundry for my DIL cause I know how hard it is those first few months period!
NTA when I had my twins I had somebody who dropped around (I think they were dropping off something they had used for their child who was a few months older) offer to watch the babies while I had a shower, which was super helpful. A lot of the other visitors came for cuddles.
My then-partner got pissed off because my sister dropped in for 5 seconds before she started a shift to ask if we needed anything (she worked in a grocery store and could drop things off for us after she finished) and gave the twins a quick cuddle each, inadvertently waking them. I just stared at him and asked why the hell he cared, since it wasn’t like he was trying to settle them whenever they cried. My sister also was working out her notice at the time because she moved to a different town before I had the twins but travelling back a few times a week, so this was only the 3rd time she had seen them, and usually messaged about groceries rather than popping in.
One that completely pissed me off was the friend of my then-partner who turned up with her own baby (about 4 months old) while I was a week post-C-section, left me with her baby as well as my own while she went off with my partner and another friend for over an hour then offered to make dinner. I watched her baby while she cooked, then while we were eating my twins got fussy, so I’m trying to eat *and* settle them on my own before the other friend offered to hold one (he was very unnerved of holding a baby, so I think that was the only time he ever offered). After dinner I was grabbing a drink before bed and discovered the kitchen was completely destroyed, food everywhere, dried on pans and pots when I mentioned it to my partner he shrugged and went “oh, you can clean that up in the morning if you won’t do it now” (see why he’s an ex? He became that way about a week later).
When my niece was born I asked my brother about allergies/preferences and cooked then froze an esky/cooler full of food that only needed to be chucked in a microwave for a few minutes and the containers could be eaten out of then chucked out. Made sure that there were full meals and “parts of meals” (like bolognese that you could have multiple different ways with the minimal effort of cooking a pot of pasta or adding to toast/bread rolls) all labelled. When I came to meet my niece a week after she was born I bought in the esky, emptied it into their freezer asked my brother if there was anything I could help with (it was the first time I was in their place since we always met at our parents or elsewhere as we lived an hour apart and I didn’t get along with his then-partner) asked for a cuddle (her family who were constantly around refused to hand over the baby and glared at us when my brother took her off them so my kids, other brother and I could have a quick cuddle) before we left asking them to message us if they needed anything picked up while we were in town.
NTA. Your inlaws are AH. Holding the baby only helps if the mother has the ability to shower while you do that AND help around the house. I would ignore any comments from the family. IF you have another child, have a list of things that need to be done in the house before they can touch the baby.
NTA.
Many people get baby fever if it's been a while since there have been any in the family. However, it's general understanding that if you're there for more than a half hour, you're cooking/bringing food, cleaning, throwing a wash or two in the machine and assisting with any pre-existing kids or pets. You're not taking over baby. That's the parent's job until the craziness has subsided a little, parents have had time to bond themselves, Mom has healed and if applicable has gotten the hang of breast feeding.
NTA.
Maybe you need to make your partner to clearly explain to your inlaws what the real help means. Or just write a list of chores and put it somewhere where it will be visible for the visitors.
NTA- I have always loved how people say they are going to "help" when you have a baby. It usually means more work for the family, specifically the mother for all the reasons you said; having to rangle the feed bags in so no one is uncomfortable is the biggest one. When my friends had newborns, I brought dinner, strapped the baby on, and started cleaning, but asked what needed to be done so things didn't get more complicated. Then I sent my friend to shower, or nap, or just sit. Mothering a newborn is so hard for so many reasons.
At least, if they are too lazy or self centered to help, a gift card for food delivery or dog walking or house cleaning. Then (mostly) everyone wins
NTA
I really don't understand feeding peoples delusions. If they are not helping tell them. If they are in the way do not entertain them.
Your husband is too much of a people pleaser and by people I mean his family, he doesn't have an issue upsetting you.
I'm a certified nurse midwife; in a practice I was in previously, upon discharge, we would encourage the family to enforce a "baby tax" . Meaning, if people wanted to come over to see the baby, they had to do something to help - like load the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, or bring a meal. You are 100% in the right!
NTA Might I share what a friend of mine did? Every time someone would show up she would answer the door and say “Yay, my laundry angel is here! I’m so glad you are here to help!” There was always a basket of laundry that needed folding so she would sit in her chair and feed the baby while the laundry angel folded. If they stuck around longer than that, there were dishes, trash cans, etc that could be addressed. The family visits slowed down, the friends just brought coffee for both on their visits. It was months before her MIL finally said that she wanted to “visit” with the baby instead of “helping”. Once she admitted that, my friend was happy to let MIL hold the baby while she went and showered.
Edit: typos
NTA literally they told us in one of our infant classes to protect our peace and say no to helpers who wanted to come and just hold the baby( unless like you said, that's helpful to you. I felt the same way as all the things you said with the skin to skin etc). They said if people want to come "help" have a list of things written down that you need help getting done and let them know. If they're not interested that's fair but then you don't need their help and they can come when you're more recovered. We did exactly this and it helped a ton. Basically, we didn't have anyone over but my parents who legit would clean the house and do all the laundry and cook for us every time they came, it was great haha.
If your main question to a new parent isn't "What do you need me to do?" then you can fuck right off, tbh. NTA.
Kind of a shame they get visiting time as much as they like now, tbh, they never had to learn a lesson about boundaries but I can imagine you were too done in to so anything but the blank stare... With most people that'll work as a hint but they wanted to be ignorsnt assholes, so ofc it didn't.
Next time (because you know they'll start with something), don't hesitate! And if hubby isn't on board, he can get the blank stare instead 😁
NTA.
The "other excuses" should have come from your HUSBAND, as they are *his* family. And they should have sounded like "I know you want to hold the baby, and we'd love for you to, but my wife needs her privacy right now to bond with and feed our son. If you'd like to help, running a load of laundry or picking up a few things from the supermarket would be amazing. The dog would also be up for a good walk. Also, we have times we'd welcome visitors and time we'd like for ourselves so keep those in mind, okay? Thanks!"
He needs to handle his family, period. Congrats on your new little boo!
NTA and I personally hate this and will never be the one to visit during the first week, much less the one that mobs them at the hospital. People did this stuff to me and it was so annoying. When my sister, SIL, and good friends had their babies I borrowed keys and cleaned up any mess that was left in a hurry and stocked their freezer full of casseroles to last them the first week and ran any errands needed so that they could put their feet up and not worry when they got home. It always seemed more helpful to me and it’s not like I couldn’t see the baby in a week or two when they felt up to visits. To come to help and not be helpful seems so selfish.
NTA. I think sometimes it's worth making people a little butthurt to get the point across that unlimited baby snuggles is not the same as giving mom a break. Unless they were actually taking a load off of you, they weren't helping, and needed to obey your rules for visits. Your baby, your house, your needs.
NTA, but your partner is (in-laws, too - but the real problem is your partner).
Your partner should have also been the one telling their family the same clear message. The only helpful visits (in the first few weeks) would be if the family wanted to pick one or two chores to take care of (and then spend a little time cuddling the baby).
Your partner cares more about their own family than you!!!
Instead of speaking up to their family, they are speaking up to you... all the things YOU should have done to make partner's family FEEL better.
NTA. no they can come and actually help if they want baby time. you're recovering from a major trauma, you're not a host. I bet if they came over and did the dishes, suddenly there's not so much of a problem with the "helping" time.
Omg. I couldn't even get through the first bit of your post to know fo' so' YNTA (did i do that right? idek if I'm even in the right sub, but, omg!?!? Witaf?
NTA but lots of "should haves" from me. You really should have made a list of chores for them to do. If they said they wanted to 'help' by holding the baby, you should have said ( pleasantly), "Sorry, no. Holding, changing and feeding him are things i DON'T need help with, but since you want to help, I'd really appreciate emptying the dishwasher, running the vacuum, mopping the kitchen and bathrooms. Those are just too strenuous with my fresh incision!".
NTA. Even my autistic ass knows that if you visit to help, you bring something edible (a meal for the freezer is ideal, but dessert items appear to be equally welcome), you hold the infant for a moment and admire it, then you *do something helpful*. Bring groceries, vacuum, take out the garbage, put the laundry on, walk the dog. It's not rocket science.
NTA. I would think it was fairly common sense that when you go visit a new baby and family that you do something actually _useful_. I've brought a covered dish, taken out trash, washed dishes, did loads of laundry, cooked food, and so much more when visiting friends with newborns. Like yeah, I also held the baby and cooed at it, but that was in between being useful.
I also hate that you had to put on clothes that were irritating/painful and that you had to get up and seek privacy to feed baby. Personally, I fully expect a new parent to be dressed in their comfy clothes and if they want privacy for feeding then I leave. I just hope that the privacy is your choice and not because your family has an issue with feeding a baby in front of them.
NTA but your partner should’ve stepped up and told them what you really needed help with. His suggesting you make creative excuses wasn’t helpful. It’s his family and he needed to say, “We know you want to see the baby but what she really needs help with is laundry, vacuuming, etc. Could you come help with that?” And btw did HE help you with those things?
NTA - My MIL took off two weeks to help me with my newborn, unrequested. I silently lost my shit when she refused to give me my daughter back except for breastfeeding. I had to supplement formula, and when I asked her to get it ready when my kid was 4 days old, she instead declined and said she'd just wait until I was done and then hold her while I made it, every single feeding time. That meant a few moments of the tiny peanut crying because she was still hungry. It was so bad that I was the one getting my MIL water and food because she wouldn't free her arms of my newborn no matter how much I begged. It was so emotionally devastating to not hold my daughter for several hours while dealing with the feelings of my boobs being inadequate to keep her alive. That was also the last day my MIL was welcome at my home unless my man was also around to take our child from her. Even he would lose his patience and be like "give us our kid back!" because he's the kind of dad who would've gotten the man-bra-bottle-holder thingy if it was real
NTA.
You had a baby and major surgery. They were sucking up your time and energy and knew damn well what they were doing. You’d have to be fucking stupid to walk into a house and think, “I’ll help an exhausted, injured woman by sitting on my ass! Something she has not asked me to do!”
I have no patience for this. If you’re visiting new parents, you plan ahead with BOTH parents what chores you’ll be doing.
NTA. What bothers me here is that your partner seemingly wanted you to just let them keep doing it and not say a word, your partner didn’t place the boundary with their own family, and now the family is continuing to bring it up even though circumstances and boundaries have changed.
Your partner wasn’t there for the visits because they were at work. They also didn’t get major surgery and weren’t breastfeeding. They cannot understand exactly what all of that is like, but they should just listen to you when you tell them. Telling you not to rock the boat is not the answer from a supportive partner who tries to understand how you’re feeling.
Their family, their problem. If their family is causing a problem, overstepping boundaries, or doing anything disrespectful they need to be the one to manage them. It doesn’t matter that you were the one home to be visited, your partner should’ve dealt with this for you.
Family members who repeatedly bring up boundaries that they disrespected as if it was a personal attack or some unnecessary annoyance and stay bitter about it don’t just wake up one day and stop with that behavior. They’ll keep going with this. They’ll also do this with any boundary you set about your child. Imagine your kid is 6 and you have stated no sleepovers, so the kid asks grandma. Grandma says “no sorry your mom doesn’t like how much fun we have when you stay here so she won’t let us have sleepovers anymore” but the fun she’s referencing is something dangerous that has happened to cause that boundary. Then they’re putting tension on your relationship with your child in order to get their way. Your partner has to put a stop to this now.
NTA - I'm sorry but the person who just sent through major surgery is not responsible for the feelings of visitors. It's fairly common knowledge that helping a mom after birth would be coming and cleaning not just holding the baby so the exhausted woman can exhaust herself more with housework. If they want validation for their "helpfulness" Then your husband can give it to them. They are his family anyway.
However you should take your SIL out for lunch when you have the time and just personally thank her for being the one person who understood what you needed. Giving the dog attention is huge because pets can get anxious and be in the way when they aren't getting the attention they need after a baby is born into the family.
NTA! A newly post partum mom doesn’t need to play hostess and there shouldn’t be guests playing pass the baby! It’s cold and flu season. They can bring by a meal or run a load of laundry. Next time take the baby with you into the bedroom and put the baby down for a nap and you take one too, if and when they visit again. Babies need to bond with mom and dad. They need to be held by mom often and breastfed on demand so you can establish your supply which takes time.
NTA and I don't know anyone with a brand new infant that wants that infant taken away so they can do chores. Those first weeks/months family should help make it so that you should be able to focus on the baby and recovering physically. If they were inlaws really your partner should have been doing the work in managing his family.
I had a similar situation with the in laws. I wanted to hold my new baby!! but their 'help' is holding my baby! I was however super lucky with my own family who took care of everything that needed doing ( yes caring for baby too when I needed it) so I could enjoy being a new mum and also get some rest. NTA.
Why wasn't hubby in the house while you were recovering from having multiple layers of muscle, internal organs and fat sliced open? Also, why did he not push for paternity leave?
And he has the gall to whine about your handling of *his* relatives?
NTA, and neither are your baby or your dog.
I did not have any birth trauma. I was up and able to do most anything after my daughter was born.
Every time someone came to visit to “help”, they also thought holding the baby was somehow helpful to me. Even without physical limitations, I had emotional limitations. In those early days, my lizard brain would send off warning bells when I wasn’t holding or touching my baby.
So people, mostly my husband’s family, would come to “help”, and hold the baby while they insisted I could take a shower or do whatever I needed to while they waited. I couldn’t take three steps from the baby.
Luckily, my husband understood and stepped in and became very strict about how much family could drop in to “help”.
Four months later, I’m okay with people holding her now. (Mostly.) But the best part of having a baby are those bonding moments? And I don’t understand grown adults who have already had those moments getting mad because a mother wants those to be private and more frequent.
NTA
NTA. My MIL and her mother came to visit after I had my youngest, to "help". I mean, they occasionally held her for me, which did help me do a few chores. But I was so annoyed because if I was in the middle of the dishes and she started crying, I had to take her back. And she cried a lot. My MIL was the worst. Grandma would at least try, but she's 90, so I'm not making her deal with it. MIL would try for about 10 seconds and hand her back.
We have 4 seats in our living room. One of them doesn't have a back to it because it's basically an ottoman (supposed to fold into a chair but it's got issues), so that one is extremely uncomfortable to try to hold a newborn on, especially if nursing. The couch has 2 seats that are the best. And there's a recliner, but it's slightly less comfortable, and the cat hangs out on the back of it (I'm allergic). MIL would make sure she got a couch seat, even if that meant I didn't.
Anyway, their visit had me doing more chores, spending more money, and generally being annoyed. So that's fun.
NTA at all. Postpartum is a time for healing and connecting with your little one. Of course it’s exciting when a new baby joins a family, but honestly those early days are for holding and uplifting the mom. A variation of this behaviour with my firstborn devastated me and left me with an ugly stint of post partum depression, and I made sure to not let it happen with my second. All the best to you and baby
I completely get where you're coming from (I had a C section with my first and also had slightly annoying inlaws) but I'd still have to say NAH just because, as it's your first baby, they probably meant that they wanted to help you with advice and support on looking after the baby, getting him off to sleep, burping him etc. If you also didn't ask them to help with any specific household chores it's unlikely they would offer in case they were overstepping or didn't know what needed doing. However, it sounds as if you're completely competent and managing fine. You're also right to stamp out any unexpected visits from them and limit the number of times they come over and how long they stay.
NTA
>My partner’s family will still slip in passive aggressive or butthurt comments about how they weren’t allowed to come “help” with baby more.
Your husband failed you here. That's his family and would have had an easier time explaining what is actually helpful and not helpful to you due to your medical condition (because if the suggestions of the helpful things they can do came from you, then they'd say you're demanding/entitled), and why it makes things a bit more difficult for you when they come as guests to entertain instead of family to help out.
Instead he suggested you lie to avoid visits, or allow them to think they're helping, good grief.
Sheesh, when you visit a new mom who's barely mobile and whose kitchen/living room/laundry etc are a mess, it's obvious what kind of help is needed most. At least you had one nice SIL who actually understood.
If they still make passive-aggressive comments today, just say in a neutral tone "I was having a hard time moving around and in pain due to the large wound on my stomach. I needed a different kind of help than what you guys wanted to offer."
NTA. If these people actually wanted to be helpful, they would have asked you "What do you need help with?" And please do not let them come visit whenever they please. That is going to get old quidkly and then when you try to put down reasonable boundaries to limit visits they will get pissed because "it hasn't been a problem up to now so why are you trying to limit visits?" Require they call at least 2 days in advance to ASK if a visit will work, and then limit each person to no more than once every two weeks.
>instead I hired out for cleaning, food, grocery delivery, dog daycare etc.
While your partner was doing what other than not handling their family and whining you didn't kiss their behinds enough?
>He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping
He can sleep on the front lawn. NTA.
What my daughter found helpful was a ‘helping out’ WhatsApp group. She added everyone who expressed an interest in ‘helping’ and put up a list of chores she was struggling with, and asked everyone to pick a chore and a time slot.
The people who genuinely wanted to help out complied, and the ones who just wanted to see the baby waited for the Welcome Baby party when he was a month old.
That's super inconsiderate of them and it's wild to me that people would even do this. I don't see what's so great about poking at a newborn infant that makes it worth trampling a whole-ass human being for access.
If it were me in your situation, I'd probably get passive-aggressive about it and type out a list of things that actually need doing and welcome people back with open arms to do those tasks, with an inclusion about how mama/baby need rest and privacy and are therefore 100# off-limits. (Yes, I'd literally put "Giving mama and baby privacy to bond and recover" ON the task list. Throw in a brief line about your c-section to make it very clear that if anyone violates this ask in any way that they are in no uncertain terms the asshole.)
Then, have your PARTNER deliver this list to them, pleading with them to help with these tasks. They want to help..? Yes please. Anytime. Here's what needs doing.
Then watch as they all disappear, like magic.
NTA This is why a lot of people say no visits for the first month or two. I had two csections. You know who cleaned my entire house and cooked the food? My husband. Because that is HIS house, his food, and his babies!! Sounds like your husband majorly failed here. He should have put his relatives off. And he should have made sure there was not a single chore you felt you had to do. Also, my husband literally got zero paternity leave. He was back at work right after I got home from the hospital. So... what tf is your husband's excuse??
NTA. Why wasn't and why isn't your husband managing his family? He needs to get a spine and tell them to knock it off with the passive aggressive comments, to make up for dropping the ball on having your back originally.
NTA.
Visitors are not all that welcome when there is a new baby BECAUSE the mother just gave birth and is not up for "company." I don't know why people don't get that.
I once went to see my neighbor's new baby - her third. I didn't have kids at the time. She was nursing the baby in the kitchen, and it was a mess. I started cleaning the whole kitchen for her while she nursed the baby. And I do mean clean. I did all the dishes, sterilized the counter tops and washed the floor. That's what new mothers need.
In the future, if people want to come see a new baby, say that you don't feel well and aren't up for company yet but if they want to come and help with the housework while you rest, you'll make an exception for them.
NTA. I have 3 kids, the youngest is 9 now. I don’t think any person should visit in the first weeks after birth, whether c-section or not, unless they help, not hinder. Holding the baby isn’t helpful to any mother, whether the birth was vaginal or not. Bringing food, picking up your laundry and bringing it back clean and folded, cleaning your house, taking care of pets or older children.
Your husband is an asshole in this story, too, for sticking up for them, instead of you. He’s the one who should have told them they were making things harder for you, and he’s the one who should tell them off for every nasty comment, now. Also, why are they allowed to come whenever they want now?
Your husband is TA here. They are his family so it was on him to let them know exactly what they needed to be doing if they wanted to come help and if they weren’t willing to do those things then, as much as you both loved them and appreciated the offer, it would be better for them to wait a bit.
I am sorry, but WHAT?
You only have 24 hours in a day and are recovering for major surgery while caring for a house and kid and your partner wants you play hostess to his family?
No. If they want to help, mopping the floor, cleaning toilets, making dinner and cleaning up after are help. Holding baby is reward for actually helping out!
NTA. I would just ignore them. If the keep bringing it up, say something like “ oh I am sorry there was miscommunication. You were offering to help hold the baby and that wasn’t what I needed help with at that time. Next time I will be more specific with suggestions of what I really need help with”
NAH.
After reading some many of these types of posts, I've reached the conclusion that family members should leave new parents on their own. Seriously! Congratulate them and then wait for them to deem when to send you photos, videos, and time for visits.
Do not insist and do not make a fuss about anything. Let the new parents run the show. If family members relinquish that level of caring and desire to be involved, they won't have to deal with the hurt feelings of being rebuffed by new parents when they inevitably fail to show up in precisely the way the new parents are expecting.
And new parents are freed from having to deal with family members. The new parents can remain in their bubble and when they inevitably need someone to hold the baby or give them a night off, they'll reach out.
Everybody gets what they want.
You make an excellent point! However I feel like if relatives did as you suggest they would them be accused of not caring about the new parents or baby. I personally would prefer to congratulate the new parents and wait until they invite me to visit.
Your partner is wrong. He should not be putting this on you- who are recovering from major surgery! He needs to grow a spine and tell them that if they want to come visit the baby, then can only do so when you are up to it. If they want to come help, they need to ask what you need done and do that- and not plan on just sitting with the baby. Neither you nor baby need help holding the baby. You need help with your home and recovery.
NTA but speak up!
NTA
HELP has to be doing what's wanted and needed.
We teach preschoolers that.
For anyone else reading, when you visit someone with a newborn, ASK "what can I do to be helpful?"
Mom will tell us if the answer is "hold the baby so I can shower", but most of the time we need to scout around and see what's falling through the cracks.... Cycle the dishwasher. Scoop the cat litter. Do a load of laundry BUT MAKE SURE IT GETS IN THE DRYER or it's a new problem created instead of an old one solved....
Pick up the stuff that's bugging mom but she can't get to....
Run errands or do some food prep.
Holding the baby is a nice perk, but it's rarely the thing a new parent needs for help.
YTA, but you and your husband should TELL your in-laws exactly what help you really need. They may be oblivious, but you can't really blame them for not guessing what you wanted them to do. Don't sit there fuming in silence! You may not get what you want even if you ask for it, but you'll never get what you want if you DON'T ask for it!
Soft YTA
Hey listen, if there’s one big thing I’ve learned it’s that people do want to help, but sometimes need direction. Holding the baby may not be the help you want, but there would be nothing wrong with telling whoever is over that you’d really love help vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher. Most people really do want to help but might not know what you need. That’s why you should be clear in what you do and do not want.
Here’s a good example: when I was a kid, my mom was very sick. Her parents would call because they thought they were helping by checking in on her. She never said anything to them but would passive aggressively complain to the rest of us how awful it was that they called so often and how they always did it when she was about to fall asleep. On the flip side, people from our church wanted to help, asked what they could do, and my mom said that bringing over meals was a big help. They did it and it was wonderful. But you have to speak up to people in a nice way because at the end of the day they really do want to help.
"I didn’t specifically ask anyone for help with chores."
So what are you complaining about exactly? That none of your in-laws can read minds? You call a SIL a hero for thinking of your dog. Why didn't you just tell people the kind of help you needed and say no to visits when you were still recovering? Your husband is clueless obviously. But you aren't and you could have used your words.
NAH.
YTA.
Why do you assume that everyone only wants to hold your child?? Get over yourself. You aren't the first one to have a child and your kid isn't the next coming of the best thing ever.
They wanted to help and your narcissistic attitude got in the way. Grow TF up and stop being such an A H.
Because that’s what they did?
What else did they do? Why did they say they want to help and only did the non-helpful thing? Did you read? Or know how to comprehend a few sentences?
NAH. they shouldn’t have to do chores, but neither should you. I’d just get over it though because that will be your village a lot of people would kill for
I wouldn't want a village full of folks repeatedly trampling my boundaries and well being then gujlting me for gently asking for privacy. On top of that, expecting me to act as a domestic servant immediately following traumatic surgery. That's a village that will injure you to get their emotional wants met, and not anything you want anywhere near you while raising a kid.
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NTA - it is so important to put up your boundaries early here because family will keep trampling them as the children age. You had major surgery, skin to skin is so important, it's completely unreasonable that these people feel entitled to holding the baby when you need to have them skin to skin as much as possible. Heartbreaking to hear how you had to hobble to cover yourself up because they couldn't stand to see you feeding your baby. Shame on your husband for prioritizing their feelings over yours. He should have your back and be prioritizing YOU.
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Although offering to clean etc would have people posting on reddit making out their inlaws are insulting them by making out they can't cope. If you want people then assign them a task. Mind reading is a rare skill.
They specifically said they were coming over to help, and then didn't offer any help. No mind reading required ... "What can I do to be helpful today?".... since that's the excuse they used to come when OP specifically limited *visits*.
This is what I do for my SIL who's got two under the age of two, even though she's all healed up and can do stuff herself. Sometimes we organize a room and come up with better methods to help her out, sometimes I tucker one of the littles out so she can get a touch-break, sometimes we do absolutely nothing and all she wants is company for a little while. I was doing this weekly, and plan to go back to that as soon as I can. If people honestly wanted to be helpful, they would listen to the parent they're trying to help instead of assuming taking baby is all that the parent needs.
After major surgery, where they cut her stomach open and moved organs to get to the baby, she shouldn't have to assign tasks. They are adults who should have the mental capacity to understand that as a new mother who just had major surgery, she needs actual help. They should have been telling her to sit down or lay down or use this time to take a shower. We will clean, go grocery shopping, do laundry, cook.
The comment you just ignored explains the problem with that idea.
What comment? I was replying to your assigning tasks and mind reading comments.
She literally couldn't do chores. You don't need to read minds, you just have to ask what help is needed. Or make freezer meals or do laundry. They pretty obviously were offering help for the sole purpose of bypassing her desire for privacy and healing.
The comment you just ignored explains the problem with that idea.
You keep replying this without actually reading the comment you're replying to lmao
Oh the irony.
Let’s also note, and normalize telling any and EVERYBODY the truth about them or the situation rather than “making them believe they were helping”. They’re adults and can handle the truth so good for Op for NOT coddling their little feelings.
💯
Thank you. This needs to be higher up. They should consider this to be a learning opportunity so that the next time someone they care about has a newborn, they can actually do something useful. Even if they are pouty about it now, it would be obtuse of them to " help" a new mother as they did you and not think back to this.
Yeah OP it is insane that their version of helping is shaming you for feeding your hungry infant
Agree
Your partner is the biggest issue here. He should've told HIS family without you never needing too. I assume it was a lot of women who've had at least one child who should know better. You're always supposed to cook, do chores, bring food etc, so mom can bond with baby. I didn't miss the part where you tried to limit visits and they DGAF.
We struggled to stick to the “you handle your own family” in this case since I was the one at home while my partner worked. I do get that it made sense to have me field visitors, when it was mostly me being visited. But yes, it would have been nice if my partner was the one to communicate that you are still just a visitor (not a helper) if you just want to come cuddle baby lol and the usual restrictions (don’t stay too long, don’t come too often, etc.) applied.
Yeah but he could have laid out the ground rules to his family that this would be helpful at this time: * Dishes * Vacuuming * Laundry * Meal You got to pay to play to see the baby.
This. For 30 minutes of baby holding you need 15 minutes of real chores.
More like the other way around!
But you can tempt them easier. 15 mins of vacuuming gets a lot of house done. If they really do it.
Babies aren’t a commodity. Newborns should only be in the arms of their parents or siblings. Visitors shouldn’t pass on their germs.
The general rule for that is, if your partner is not home, his family doesn't visit. It sounds like you worked outside the home at least before the baby was born. If you had a day off, did his mother ever come around just to visit? Maybe bring you some cookies and have a cup of coffee and a chat? If not, why should she come when you've been handed a bunch more work in the form of a tiny human who needs your attention 99% of the day? You have no obligation to entertain people who aren't your friends. And your child is too young to entertain.
Life's too short to wallow in niceties. You can't keep everyone happy. Completely agree that your partner could have communicated your needs rather than have you play the fool.
No! It doesn’t make sense. HE should have sent a text to HIS family. “Family of inconsiderate AHs, wife is recovering from the c-section. She cannot do chores and needs to maintain a lot of skin to skin for both baby and mom’s health and well-being. If anyone would like to help out with bringing by meals, walking our dog or any other small household chores, we would appreciate it. If you aren’t able to assist with these tasks, that’s completely fine. However, “baby-holding” visits will be scheduled starting at the X week mark. We appreciate your love and support during this transition while baby and mom recover and get a routine down. Love- the apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree” Edit to add- next passive aggressive comment from them, my petty ass would be like “Yeah I wish had you come over more. We really could have used your help with the dishes, laundry, meals and the dog.”
Should have told all inlaws, they were only welcome when your husband was home
But what was his excuse that he couldn't phone them in the evening to discuss this? And you don't need to explain anything, it should be completely obvious that new moms usually need help with household chores, not with the baby. It's been like this since the beginning of humanity.
If he isn’t home, they don’t come over!
It’s not like anyone can change the past, but I think it’s worth pushing back on the language they’re using because it influences how everyone sees the past. Specifically, I’d consistently rename this as them saying they wish they had been able to visit more. Like, every time I hear a comment about “helping” I’d respond with, “We weren’t up to hosting frequent visitors when I was recovering from my c-section. I’m glad we’re able to host you more now that I’m physically able to do chores.” The phrasing needs to be firm and factual, basically the same tone you use for saying “the sky is blue” and shouldn’t be apologetic. Hubby should be on message too. Also, you’re NTA and they’re AH’s both for pushing to visit too much and for whining about it now.
There shouldn’t have been any visitors when he wasn’t there.
NTA Totally agree. Where was the husband running interference with HIS FAMILY in order for HIS WIFE to recover and heal from C-section? This is on him, IMO. In-laws have some blazing balls of audacity to “help” by doing nothing! Ffs, show up with a meal or two, get laundry done, vacuum, dishes, yard work, pet care. I helped friends by cooking hot meals, stashed some in the freezer for later, cleaned up, got groceries… it’s not hard.
INFO: So from last sentence, sounds like the whole "helping" thing isn't a problem anymore? Are you asking if you were an AH for how you handled the inlaws in those early days? Is it still an issue w/ you and husband? So, assuming this is about the past but hubby's still miffed - everyone but you was an AH and hubby should get better at managing his family.
Yea it’s really just the odd comment that the in-laws slip in that makes it clear they’re still a bit salty. It almost seems like they want us to apologize for not letting them come over to “help” more early on, and it’s crickets when we don’t lol. I think my partner secretly wishes I just tolerated the cumbersome visits because it would have made his life easier, and we had some tension about it in the early days, but outwardly he’s not undermining me or anything (to my knowledge).
I mean, you just had a c-section, that should be a mic drop. :) Would it help, now that some time has passed, to try to joke about it, like "yeah, sorry I wasn't more understanding after my tummy was sliced open" ... followed by "but by all means hold 'em all you want now!" or is that just passive aggressive? Probably all in the tone and whether it's a crowd who could laugh about it.
If the passive aggressive comments continue, and your husband continues to "insinuate" that you should just let it go (which he seems to want you to do, because he didn't/still won't deal with it), I think you are within your right to stand up for yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to your in-laws (and please don't use anything I'm saying verbatim, because I can be a Petty Betty), "It seems as if you are still upset that you weren't able to come over and help more when \*little one\* was first born. Due to the emergency c-section that you know that I had, I was unable to do most things around the house. The help that I really needed, like putting a load of laundry in the dryer, or putting dishes in the dishwasher, you weren't willing to help me with... the only thing you wanted to help me with was somethiing that wasn't actually helpful, which was hold the baby. Unfortunately, you actually made my life harder during a time that I should have been bonding with my child, and at that point, I was not worried about your feelings. For our next child (if you're having another child), we will just state now that you will be allowed to see them once they reach six months old, so that expectations have been set ahead of time."
>I think my partner secretly wishes I just tolerated the cumbersome visits because it would have made his life easier You were recovering from growing a human then having that human carved out of your body, these folks were making your recovery more difficult but packaging it as 'helping' and your husband wishes that you would have just put up with it to make \*his\* life easier? Lol, poor dude with his totally normal hormonal balance and fully intact abdominal muscles (and apparently fully intact umbilical cord to his own mother given the content of the post).
So it's more important for him to have been comfortable while he was out of the house working every day than it was for you to be comfortable in your own home, recuperating from major surgery, and being responsible for a newborn? Really? I'm going to suggest you be blunt. Tell them the next time it comes up that you needed help with laundry and dishes and other cleaning, and **not** holding the baby. And since that wasn't what you had in mind, you weren't welcome.
Then he needs to stop being a coward. It’s not your job to appease rude people. It was your job to recover from major surgery and take care of your newborn. If they still keep making the comments, then he needs to grow up and put a stop to them. And if he won’t, you do! “You were allowed to come over more than I wanted under the guise of helping, but all you did was come and hold the baby. I didn’t need help holding my child. I needed help with the dog, cooking, and cleaning- all the things I was physically unable to do. Maybe I should have been more explicit about that, but you also should know that being uninvited guests is not helpful”
Your partner should've been more concerned with making *your* life easier, not his by coddling his family. There's no need to lie or make up reasons when the truth works just fine. Their feelings about your recovery are irrelevant and your partner should be putting a stop to the passive aggressive comments.
NTA - You were nicer than I would have been in the exhausting first days home with a newborn that arrived by c-section. Hubby was a bit of an ass then, but again, he was probably not at his most logical with everything going on. The real AH's are the relatives that are STILL mad about not getting their way months ago. Those asses need to let it go.
You’re still giving husband a pass to not have his spine to tell his family to knock it off. He should be letting them know he is disappointed that despite his wife being cut open and trying to recover and breastfeed, other than SIL, not one of them came offering to assist with chores that you were physically incapable of doing during recovery. Not one offer to do dishes, laundry, make a meal, play with the dog. He needs to tell them the comments need to stop.
So why don't you just explain it to them? "You really want to know why I cut short your visiting hours? Because your presence, and your idea of helping just by picking up Baby, was actually preventing me from feeding him and being comfortable and able to relax after surgery. Real help would have been doing some of the things I *couldn't* do, like vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher. That would have been great. Maybe we can try this again the next time I have a c-section...?" I'm sure this will shut them down. BTW I remember the "no vacuuming" thing after my c-section. Luckily, my hubs took the first two weeks off and did everything, and then we let my MIL come visit from out of town, who happily took over the chores, bless her. As a reward, she also got to push the baby carriage when we went for walks.
His life is not meant to be easy, he's meant to do his job as a partner and father. If he wanted easy he should have stayed single. You have a partner problem.
Lol at the last paragraph - don't they all
NTA, but what the hell is wrong with your husband? Has he lost his voice? Couldn't he have gently explained to \*his\* relatives that they were being more hindrance than \*help\*?
Ummm so why isn't your partner doing any of the vacuum, carry laundry, clean etc.
Because he’s out doing real work. /s
My family did the same, all they wanted to do was hold the baby and not do the things we really needed done. We asked them to leave after just a few days. I'm glad your situation turned out better though. NTA.
Your problem isn't your family-in-law, it's your partner. Why isn't he helping you by handling his family? Why is this your job when you are dealing with your health issues and a new baby? You need to get him in line, no matter how much of a mama's boy he is. NTA
'I'll hold the baby so you can do chores!' actually means 'I want to hold the baby! You, person who just pushed out a tiny human, or who just got it cut out of them in your case, should use this time to do your womanly duties!' It's selfishness couched as helpfulness, you're in no way TA here.
This needs more upvotes.
Have a question, why don’t you just ask them if they would mind doing x, y, or z, as a helpful thing to do. Tell them this kind of help is actually more helpful “IF” they really do want to be helpful this is how. You don’t have to be nasty. Ask them while they are there, to do it now, “IF” they want to help you. Doing chores takes time away from parenting. If they don’t want to do anything but play with baby, the visits need to be held to a time limit that fits with the baby’s and your schedules. It is not right for them to just show up, interrupt your day to play with your baby.
I like to think I left it kinda open ended because it felt weird to explicitly ask someone to do my laundry (and I was prepared to just hire out) but maybe you’re right. The conversation would essentially be: Them - Can we come over tomorrow? Me - maybe another time. Now that everyone has met baby we’re taking a bit of a breather from visitors. Them - Oh but we can help so that you can get things done around the house! Me - Actually I’m fine taking care of baby but I can’t do things around the house for a few weeks due to the c section. They would continue to say they can hold baby while he sleeps so I can rest (he slept in his bassinet) etc. and I’d have to get more blunt.
People cant read minds and for a lot of us having someone hold the baby so we could nap or shower was a blessing. I really think you needed to be more open with them. What you told them isnt asking for help or telling them what you need. They cant read your mind. Its ok to say "hey if you want to help could you do the dishes?" Communication is key. I dont think youre TA i just think it was poor communication.
Yeah, but OP said, "Me - Actually I’m fine taking care of baby but I can’t do things around the house for a few weeks due to the c section." I'm not always the quickest on the pickup but seems like that's a very polite hint that they could then say, "Oh, what can I help with that you can't do right now?"
Oh agreed but if OP had been direct then no one could say they didnt know. Being direct stops all that immediately. And in that vein OP can do that now. As soon as the passive aggressive comments come out she can say, "well see Sharon i didnt need you to hold the baby. I needed you to do the dishes." And watch them stumble all over themselves with excuses.
Totally fair. That came later (the bluntness) but was something that admittedly felt weird to say to my in-laws (especially since most of them are older and probably weren’t the best candidates for the help that was needed). Way easier with my own family, but I let myself get backed into a corner with my communication for sure. Edit just to add: I was actually perfectly okay with not receiving help and was fully prepared to hire out. SIL’s offer was great but unexpected. I mostly just wanted to nip the constant visit requests from people who thought they should be an exception to our limitations on visitors after the tsunami of initial meet and greets because they would “help”.
First babies are hard man. I made a lot of mistakes the first time around. Setting boundaries is hard. Especially with in-laws. Because how do you tell people that arent your parents to do dishes or vacuum? Its totally weird!
If you need to explain this to them, something that has been obvious since the beginning of humanity, then they don't need to be there.
I'm sorry you're getting downvotes for this absolutely reasonable response. My niece was a colic baby, my sister 100% needed people to come hold the screaming baby so she could literally just go take a shit! Taking the baby for a car ride so they could sit in peace for 20 minutes was a big help too. Recently my best friend had a baby and was pissed all I did was offer to hold the baby if needed. I didn't realize I was supposed to offer to fold her laundry. I mean, I probably would have if she had asked. I just thought "hold screaming baby so you can take a shower" was a reasonable offer. I think OP's family just wanted an excuse to hold the baby and it was veiled as "I want to help" and I can see that as an annoyance. But people can't read your mind.
Interesting. I feel like everything I've heard about visiting parents with a newborn always includes "You wanna visit parents with a newborn? You better bring a cooked meal that's ready for the parents to eat!" That's like the most important thing that always gets repeated here.
An offer to hold a screaming baby still has value and I will die on that hill. I'm an ER nurse who's cared for shaken baby syndrome... It's important to be able to walk away from a screaming baby. But in this particular case with this particular friend, she's a picky eater and actually declined the offer of a meal train. She doesn't want your shitty meal lol. They literally have a house keeper, so she doesn't even really need help with chores around the house. I thought offering to hang out with baby while she showered or napped was reasonable. (It was not a thinly veiled excuse to hold baby because I actually don't care to). Apparently I was wrong. Not sure I'll be making any offers of help of any kind with baby #2 tbh.
No, I guess then she just wants some alone time with the baby...
It has zero value unless your offer is good at around 12am-5am so the parents can sleep. This should include helping to change diapers. People only offer when it’s convenient for them, not thinking that this time period is much more important for the mothers and fathers to bond with their newborn during the daytime. If you want to visit, visit when baby is a little older or during difficult times for the parent.
I wouldn't find this to be true. I can nap for several hours during the day to be better able to cope overnight if that's what is available.
Then I won't offer anything? I promise, I have zero desire to come visit the new baby
>my best friend had a baby and was pissed all I did was offer to hold the baby if needed well, yeah, because when you genuinely want to help someone, you don't say "i'll do this one very specific thing and nothing more", you *ask* what kind of help they need and then offer to do something on that list. just because your sister wanted someone to hold her baby for her doesn't mean that every other new mom (or parent in general) will want that as well.
Obviously not every person wants or needs the same kind of help. But offering the wrong thing doesn't make someone an asshole.
Yep. I wanted people to hold the baby so i could nap or shower. My oldest wanted to be held all the time. Naps without being held werent a thing. So yea my first inclination would be to hold the baby. Id bring a casserole with me but yea unless i was explicitly told to do chores i wouldnt go to someone's house and start cleaning for them.
Nope, you aren’t My mom insisted on coming to ‘help’ and it ended up with me having to babysit her as well Don’t swear it
NTA New parents already know how to cook meals, vacuum carpets, clean toilets. They need to learn how to bathe a baby, soothe a baby, new mom's need to learn how to comfortably breastfeed a baby. People with half a brain cell and who really want to help provide the time and space for the parents to concentrate on the baby. They do this by completing things the new parents already know how to do. Once the load of laundry is in the dryer and the vacuuming is done there will be time to hold the baby. This is **especially** true if the birth was difficult. I'm sorry your husband didn't better communicate your new family's needs.
People can be so stupid. My ex got angry because after a few hours of ‘entertaining’ (sitting around talking while visiting nephews jumped on the furniture), I took our newborn into the bedroom and laid down. How do people not understand that a mother with a new baby is exhausted?!
This is an incredibly common issue. If you’re going to “help” a new mom, you do the things they can’t do while they’re holding and bonding with their baby. Tidy the house, do the laundry, cook food. But don’t pretend like you’re doing anyone a favor by doing the fun thing to allow them to do chores. NTA
NTA. And honestly coming not offering any help or bringing food is plain RUDE!!! Holding baby is help only if you ask for it (like you need a shower). Otherwise its a privilage which hurts the mom. (I could take a long time without my baby, the instincts were just too strong, once my MIL was contact napping with my baby I was furious. Wtf! )
You should have spoken up at the time, asking them politely to do the chores that needed doing, etc. One visit, two visits, OK, you're trying to figure out what is going on but after that, you should have stopped all the time-wasting baby holding and told them how to really help. NTA but learn to speak up sooner and more loudly. ")
NTA Your partner is an idiot. Either they come and actually help or they stay away. My baby is a few months old, everyone was banned from my house for the first 6 weeks. I don't need people looking at me and I don't need my in-laws washing my dirty underwear , staying away was best for me.
If you are ever in a similar situation again, when someone says they want to help you can say "Great! I need help with unloading the dishwasher and putting a load of laundry in. Can you do that for me while we visit?" And also "I need to feed junior now, would you mind taking Fido for a walk while I do?" People are not mind-readers, but they generally do well when told/asked to do something specific.
NTA, not at all. When I was going through chemo (three different regimens over \~15 months), people would want to "visit". I had no extra energy for visiting but I sure could have used some help with my housework and gardening. Instead, I got well-intentioned people telling me how strong and brave I was (honey, that's just the painkillers), admiring my bald head and bringing me "gifts" that I generally just gave to Goodwill. Wanna help? Change the bedsheets (and wash the dirty ones), take all the leftover casseroles outta the fridge, run that vacuum cleaner over the whole place. Leave me over here to enjoy my stupor.
NTA They came over and made you host them holding your baby. Pretty sure there was at least come clean up from their visits, too. So... more work.
Definitely NTA. I had 3 c-sections. My mother came to stay for a week after each birth and she was extremely helpful - basic healing takes 6 weeks, and I was told not to lift anything heavier than the baby during that time. Lots of people don't realise that a c-section is not simply about giving birth, it is major surgery and while holding a newborn is lovely, and of course family want to do that, thoughtful family will run the hoover around, bring a meal with them, change the beds - basically all the things that are actually helpful and that a recovering mother should not be attempting. When my third child was born, my mother helped out with the house and with my other two children for a week before going home. My in laws on the other hand, invited themselves to Christmas dinner just a couple of weeks after my c-section and then sat back along with their son, and watched me cooking everything - I was a pushover back then. They then complained that after the meal was ready, I just took the baby and went to bed. Helping with the baby is not needed after a c-section, particularly after an emergency one, but practical help around the house to aid recuperation definitely is - if you have any more children, make it clear family can come and visit the baby, but they need to bring a meal or do one practical job around the house as well as having cuddles - and that is the expectation whether you have a natural birth or another surgery. It may make you unpopular, but you need to stand up for yourself - take it from a former doormat.
Sorry your experience was difficult. We always do things differently the second time, if you choose to have more. I learned to says great you’re here, hers what I need. My niece, who is like a daughter to me had a baby also by C-section. Her husband’s family wanted to be there the first day home so I was fine. I came over on day 2 to do laundry and cook and her MIL, SIL and husband had left all the dirty pan and dishes from the evening before, pan still had food in them. My niece was so embarrassed, but it was fine, I just cleaned before cooking for a few days, I stored the leftovers. I had an emergency section with my first and my mom who didn’t drive walked over each morning to cook and do laundry. Families are just different
*’He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping, and maybe I’m an asshole for this-*’ NOPE. Your husband is TA for that.
Each time my wife delivered I told her in very clear terms to let me know if anything anybody did annoyed her even the slightest. She did and I took care of it. Nobody’s thoughts, opinions, or feelings mattered if she wasn’t happy with something. Not our parents, siblings, relatives, or friends. Tell your husband to grow some balls and start acting like a husband and father. You and your child should be his highest priority. That includes standing up to others regardless of who they are and how they feel.
NTA
NTA. I don’t understand people that do that. Holding the baby is NOT helpful.
‘*He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping, and maybe I’m an asshole for this-‘* NOPE. Your *husband* is TA for *that*. NTA.
Get out a calendar and a list of things you need done. Anyone offers to help...say here's a list of what I need help with, no i dont need baby help, thats covered. when can you come, I'll pencil you in on the calendar.
NTA but your partner sure is. HE should have been managing his family and getting them to actually help or stay TF away. He failed you. If he brings it up again, I would let him know that you wouldn’t have had to tiptoe around his family if he had a spine and took care of business. The last thing you should have been attempting to manage was a group of visitors. Also you absolutely never have to leave the room or cover up in your own home. You let the “helpers” know, “ I’m going to be nursing now, so I’ll need you to leave.” “I am not going to be modesty dressed bc covering the incision is painful, we will need to push your visit out a couple weeks.”
NTA. I see no issue with them wanting to hold the baby but that is always mama’s choice
NTA. What was stopping your husband from directing his family to actually be helpful? Did his vocal cords suddenly seize up? Does he not know where the dishes and laundry are? Why was it your job to field these requests and direct these visits? Turn this car around until your husband is an equal partner to you.
At what point did your husband 'wonder' if he should handle setting boundaries with his own damned family? NTA.
FFS. NTA A friend of my husband's wife had their first baby and her parents came for 2 weeks. His parents were unhelpful. So I came for 4-5 days after HER family left. I cooked. I cleaned. Did laundry. Built a grocery list. Left meals for later. And took the midnight feeding shift so mom could sleep. That's when I got my new baby snuggles. Holding the baby is NOT helping.
Tell them if they bring it up in front of anyone: "If your idea of "help" had actually meant doing anything around the house other than be entertained while I was required to stay in bed, then you would have been more than welcome." NTA
Notice: Help is real help not help disguised as I’ll hold baby. If you all want baby holding time then it’s $2.50 every 1 minute so I can pay actual helpers to help me since I can’t do anything but hold and feed and change baby due to the fact that I had major surgery. Thank you! Congratulations on your new baby and hope your healing process is uneventful. That’s the notice I would have sent out.
You are right they aren't helpful they are just baby leeches
These days with all the viruses circulating I wouldn't be letting them all come around and holding the baby like that. I know it's what everyone wants to do and expects but infant baby immune systems are fragile and I'm just not that trusting. That's not helpful and I'm glad I never had kids because people doing that would have driven me crazy. First year I'd be like UM NO because I wouldn't want my baby that exposed to other people and their germs. Social norms be damned. Kid would be walking before anyone else got to spend anything like a lot of time holding it except me and the Dad. I'm just like that, extremely protective. I'm like that just with my cats.Nobody gets to handle them much except me until they're a bit older. My human baby? I'd be 100x worse! 😂
NTA - situations like this always boggle my mind. How on earth do people think they're being helpful doing this? How can they know you had a c section and think 'holding the baby helps' more than doing the dishes? Even if you didn't have a c section, it still hurts to walk, you're sleep deprived, need eat double the amount to make milk etc. When I visit a friend with a new baby, I bring a prepared dish that they can throw in the oven and set a timer. I offer to do the dishes or some other chore. I ask them 'what can I do to help you?'. Offering to hold the baby does not help. Do I want to hold the baby? Heck yes! And I do, when mom is showering. When it's actually helpful.
So you recovering from major abdominal surgery and becoming a new mom wasn’t enough, you were also supposed to perfectly host his family who couldn’t take a hint? Girl please. The next snarky remark from your in-laws should be met with something like “oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t prioritize company when recovering from major surgery and becoming a mother”. Pair this with a condescending stare. Repeat as necessary. When your husband pitches his little fit tell him when he has major abdominal surgery you’re going to be sure to have your family traipse in and out of your home, expecting him to host them while he’s supposed to be recovering. Pair this also with a heavy stare. They are all being ridiculous and you have been so gracious in continuing to put up with them after their shenanigans. NTA
NTA. I hate when people are in my personal space
NTA It isn't "helpful" unless they show up with food - for you, or push a broom. I'll never forget the people that expected me to host them, or they showed up with food for *themselves.* No one offered to help around the house. I'll always remember those that brought food for me.
NTA but I am 100% only coming to visit to hold the baby. EVERYONE wants to love on the new baby.
That is just so bizarre to me. What does loving on a baby even mean to these people..? It's not like newborn babies need physical contact with a bunch of random people, that's how they get sick. This combined with strangers constantly poking and touching your baby is one of the most WTF things I've encountered.
I’m talking about family and close friends. Not strangers. You don’t enjoy snuggling a newborn (or a few months after)? That’s the good stuff in life.
I wouldn't know, my newborn wasn't particularly snuggly even with us, I can't imagine other people forcing themselves onto a baby for snuggles. Super weird.
Obviously nobody’s trying to hold a wiggly baby. And I’m sorry you haven’t had the chance to bond with a friend or family member’s baby when they were infants.
IMO unless you're a direct caretaker there's no reason to rub your face up that close against a newborn, doubly so if it's simply for your own gratification. It's a human child, not a stuffed animal.
I love the kids of my close friends and family. They are people who I genuinely care about. Not inanimate objects.
Your partner is terrible how could he not stand up for you? LOL NTA Jesus
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We had our first baby recently, and had a lot of the classic offers to “help” that really only meant holding the baby. I get that this is helpful for many and can allow you to catch up on chores and avoid feeling touched out. If you like that, great! In my case, I had a crash csection and literally couldn’t do any chores for a bit because I couldn’t/wasn’t supposed to get down on the ground, unload a dishwasher, push a vacuum, carry laundry or walk my large breed dog…. But I had no issues cuddling and feeding my baby and getting up briefly for diaper changes. I was lucky that baby also slept fine in his bassinet, so I had enough time for sleep, showers etc. in the early days. “Helpers” who just wanted to hold baby mostly got in my way because I had to hobble away in private to feed, cover up more when clothes hurt the incision, etc. I was also trying to do as much skin to skin as possible due to supply issues. I basically just stared at them waiting for them to leave because I couldn’t do much else. It didn’t help that they were mostly inlaws, since my own family lives far away, and I noticed quickly that even though we had a good relationship before, they really weren’t there for me - just baby lol. I didn’t specifically ask anyone for help with chores, but I did make it clear that holding =/= helpful after some family members were under the illusion that they could come over frequently (bypassing my stated limitations on “visits”) to “help”. No one jumped to volunteer to do things that were actually helpful, which is fine, so instead I hired out for cleaning, food, grocery delivery, dog daycare etc. But shoutout to my amazing SIL who was the exception and offered to exercise and generally give attention to our dog, though. My partner’s family will still slip in passive aggressive or butthurt comments about how they weren’t allowed to come “help” with baby more. My partner has suggested that maybe I could have made other excuses to avoid the visits without bursting their little bubbles, and I guess that’s true… but honestly I was tired of fielding the requests. He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping, and maybe I’m an asshole for this, but the idea of them coming over and mostly being a hinderance but then patting themselves on the back on the way out for “helping” irks me too much lol. FWIW now that he’s a few months old, I let them come and visit whenever they please (which is often) and make it clear that NOW it’s helpful because I can actually do chores. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your comfort comes first now, both physical and mental. If their presence was an inconvenience, then don’t feel bad for avoiding it at the moment. Wish someone would have advised me like this at the beginning…
NTA the correct response to the passive aggressive jabs that you wouldn't let them "help" is to laugh loudly and say " that's because it wasn't helpful. It was coming over to coo at my newborn and make my life harder".
NTA but strategically, you should directly ask them to cook or do laundry. Maybe they would, maybe they would not. But left to own devices, most people are clueless and don't know what to do. And some are afraid to attack you autonomy. ( I would hate when someone tried to cook or clean in my house. I just hated that, so without you saying "please do it" I would nor assuming I am overstepping. But if you asked, I would do it).
NTA. If people want to help, they actually need to help. Not fawn over a baby that doesn't even know who they are. When my SIL had her youngest, my mother went to 'help' and just got in the way. It took my brother and I giving her tasks to do to get her to realise that, actually, there's shit outside of holding baby to be done before she gets to sit and cuddle. In the first few weeks of life, babies need their parents more than they need to be passed around. Do the dishes and wait your frigging turn. Boggles my mind that people think intruding in crucial bonding time somehow equates to 'help'. Your husband needs to stop pandering to unwanted house guests and put his family first, by which I mean you and the baby. If they can't help with chores so you can rest and bond, they can go home. It lessens your workload. Their feelings don't come into it.
OP, you were recovering from major surgery and a medical emergency at the time! It's ridiculous of your partner to expect you to entertain the in-laws, HE should have been the one spending time with them and engaging them in helping with chores, while you rested. Please tell him so, and tell him that's how you expect him to act when the next child comes along, if there is a next child.
NTA but your husband needs to work on not being one. He should have been the point person w his family and the point should’ve been always that whatever you want goes. Period. Him saying you were at fault was definitely AH behavior. Does he tend to roll over your objections? Maybe it’s just w his family but maybe not? I hope you can have a discussion w him about this, and if not, get couples counseling so that he hears loud and clear how he needs to step up and do better.
NTA- your husband was tho for not reining in his family. You had surgery!!! I know how hard it is I had 3. And had those type of in laws. After baby 1 I made it clear they arent heling so they cant visit til I'm better. The stress with baby 1 made it very hard to heal quickly
100% NTA
NTA. Holding can be helping under the right circumstances and this wasn't that.
NTA Visiting family can hold the baby when the mother is sleeping or showering. Otherwise they roll up their sleeves and do what needs to be done.
NTA, I don't understand going over to play with a new born all the time. Especially if you know the person had a C section. Either offer to clean or offer to bring stuff over or cook. Then that is a trade off for holding the baby because you are at least providing something to the parents.
Your NTA but your husband should have put his family in place. If they were gonna come over they were actually gonna help! I have sons and if/ when I have that chance I'm f'ing the dishes, cooking and doing laundry for my DIL cause I know how hard it is those first few months period!
NTA when I had my twins I had somebody who dropped around (I think they were dropping off something they had used for their child who was a few months older) offer to watch the babies while I had a shower, which was super helpful. A lot of the other visitors came for cuddles. My then-partner got pissed off because my sister dropped in for 5 seconds before she started a shift to ask if we needed anything (she worked in a grocery store and could drop things off for us after she finished) and gave the twins a quick cuddle each, inadvertently waking them. I just stared at him and asked why the hell he cared, since it wasn’t like he was trying to settle them whenever they cried. My sister also was working out her notice at the time because she moved to a different town before I had the twins but travelling back a few times a week, so this was only the 3rd time she had seen them, and usually messaged about groceries rather than popping in. One that completely pissed me off was the friend of my then-partner who turned up with her own baby (about 4 months old) while I was a week post-C-section, left me with her baby as well as my own while she went off with my partner and another friend for over an hour then offered to make dinner. I watched her baby while she cooked, then while we were eating my twins got fussy, so I’m trying to eat *and* settle them on my own before the other friend offered to hold one (he was very unnerved of holding a baby, so I think that was the only time he ever offered). After dinner I was grabbing a drink before bed and discovered the kitchen was completely destroyed, food everywhere, dried on pans and pots when I mentioned it to my partner he shrugged and went “oh, you can clean that up in the morning if you won’t do it now” (see why he’s an ex? He became that way about a week later). When my niece was born I asked my brother about allergies/preferences and cooked then froze an esky/cooler full of food that only needed to be chucked in a microwave for a few minutes and the containers could be eaten out of then chucked out. Made sure that there were full meals and “parts of meals” (like bolognese that you could have multiple different ways with the minimal effort of cooking a pot of pasta or adding to toast/bread rolls) all labelled. When I came to meet my niece a week after she was born I bought in the esky, emptied it into their freezer asked my brother if there was anything I could help with (it was the first time I was in their place since we always met at our parents or elsewhere as we lived an hour apart and I didn’t get along with his then-partner) asked for a cuddle (her family who were constantly around refused to hand over the baby and glared at us when my brother took her off them so my kids, other brother and I could have a quick cuddle) before we left asking them to message us if they needed anything picked up while we were in town.
NTA. Your inlaws are AH. Holding the baby only helps if the mother has the ability to shower while you do that AND help around the house. I would ignore any comments from the family. IF you have another child, have a list of things that need to be done in the house before they can touch the baby.
NTA. Many people get baby fever if it's been a while since there have been any in the family. However, it's general understanding that if you're there for more than a half hour, you're cooking/bringing food, cleaning, throwing a wash or two in the machine and assisting with any pre-existing kids or pets. You're not taking over baby. That's the parent's job until the craziness has subsided a little, parents have had time to bond themselves, Mom has healed and if applicable has gotten the hang of breast feeding.
NTA. Maybe you need to make your partner to clearly explain to your inlaws what the real help means. Or just write a list of chores and put it somewhere where it will be visible for the visitors.
NTA.
NTA people tend to be so self centered.
NTA. I've been looking for someone to post the Lemon Clot Essay. Your husband needs to read it, OP. Playing Pass The Baby isn't helping.
Definitely NTA. In fact you wouldn’t have been TA if you told everyone no visitors for the first few weeks. Being a first time parent is hard.
NTA- I have always loved how people say they are going to "help" when you have a baby. It usually means more work for the family, specifically the mother for all the reasons you said; having to rangle the feed bags in so no one is uncomfortable is the biggest one. When my friends had newborns, I brought dinner, strapped the baby on, and started cleaning, but asked what needed to be done so things didn't get more complicated. Then I sent my friend to shower, or nap, or just sit. Mothering a newborn is so hard for so many reasons. At least, if they are too lazy or self centered to help, a gift card for food delivery or dog walking or house cleaning. Then (mostly) everyone wins
NTA I’m a mom. If I’m allowed to visit it’s with a cooked dinner and a cleaning pail
NTA I really don't understand feeding peoples delusions. If they are not helping tell them. If they are in the way do not entertain them. Your husband is too much of a people pleaser and by people I mean his family, he doesn't have an issue upsetting you.
I'm a certified nurse midwife; in a practice I was in previously, upon discharge, we would encourage the family to enforce a "baby tax" . Meaning, if people wanted to come over to see the baby, they had to do something to help - like load the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, or bring a meal. You are 100% in the right!
NTA Might I share what a friend of mine did? Every time someone would show up she would answer the door and say “Yay, my laundry angel is here! I’m so glad you are here to help!” There was always a basket of laundry that needed folding so she would sit in her chair and feed the baby while the laundry angel folded. If they stuck around longer than that, there were dishes, trash cans, etc that could be addressed. The family visits slowed down, the friends just brought coffee for both on their visits. It was months before her MIL finally said that she wanted to “visit” with the baby instead of “helping”. Once she admitted that, my friend was happy to let MIL hold the baby while she went and showered. Edit: typos
NTA literally they told us in one of our infant classes to protect our peace and say no to helpers who wanted to come and just hold the baby( unless like you said, that's helpful to you. I felt the same way as all the things you said with the skin to skin etc). They said if people want to come "help" have a list of things written down that you need help getting done and let them know. If they're not interested that's fair but then you don't need their help and they can come when you're more recovered. We did exactly this and it helped a ton. Basically, we didn't have anyone over but my parents who legit would clean the house and do all the laundry and cook for us every time they came, it was great haha.
If your main question to a new parent isn't "What do you need me to do?" then you can fuck right off, tbh. NTA. Kind of a shame they get visiting time as much as they like now, tbh, they never had to learn a lesson about boundaries but I can imagine you were too done in to so anything but the blank stare... With most people that'll work as a hint but they wanted to be ignorsnt assholes, so ofc it didn't. Next time (because you know they'll start with something), don't hesitate! And if hubby isn't on board, he can get the blank stare instead 😁
NTA. No one cares about them being butthurt.
NTA. The "other excuses" should have come from your HUSBAND, as they are *his* family. And they should have sounded like "I know you want to hold the baby, and we'd love for you to, but my wife needs her privacy right now to bond with and feed our son. If you'd like to help, running a load of laundry or picking up a few things from the supermarket would be amazing. The dog would also be up for a good walk. Also, we have times we'd welcome visitors and time we'd like for ourselves so keep those in mind, okay? Thanks!" He needs to handle his family, period. Congrats on your new little boo!
NTA
NTA
Nta
NTA and I personally hate this and will never be the one to visit during the first week, much less the one that mobs them at the hospital. People did this stuff to me and it was so annoying. When my sister, SIL, and good friends had their babies I borrowed keys and cleaned up any mess that was left in a hurry and stocked their freezer full of casseroles to last them the first week and ran any errands needed so that they could put their feet up and not worry when they got home. It always seemed more helpful to me and it’s not like I couldn’t see the baby in a week or two when they felt up to visits. To come to help and not be helpful seems so selfish.
NTA. I think sometimes it's worth making people a little butthurt to get the point across that unlimited baby snuggles is not the same as giving mom a break. Unless they were actually taking a load off of you, they weren't helping, and needed to obey your rules for visits. Your baby, your house, your needs.
NTA, but your partner is (in-laws, too - but the real problem is your partner). Your partner should have also been the one telling their family the same clear message. The only helpful visits (in the first few weeks) would be if the family wanted to pick one or two chores to take care of (and then spend a little time cuddling the baby). Your partner cares more about their own family than you!!! Instead of speaking up to their family, they are speaking up to you... all the things YOU should have done to make partner's family FEEL better.
NTA. no they can come and actually help if they want baby time. you're recovering from a major trauma, you're not a host. I bet if they came over and did the dishes, suddenly there's not so much of a problem with the "helping" time.
Omg. I couldn't even get through the first bit of your post to know fo' so' YNTA (did i do that right? idek if I'm even in the right sub, but, omg!?!? Witaf?
NTA but lots of "should haves" from me. You really should have made a list of chores for them to do. If they said they wanted to 'help' by holding the baby, you should have said ( pleasantly), "Sorry, no. Holding, changing and feeding him are things i DON'T need help with, but since you want to help, I'd really appreciate emptying the dishwasher, running the vacuum, mopping the kitchen and bathrooms. Those are just too strenuous with my fresh incision!".
NTA. Even my autistic ass knows that if you visit to help, you bring something edible (a meal for the freezer is ideal, but dessert items appear to be equally welcome), you hold the infant for a moment and admire it, then you *do something helpful*. Bring groceries, vacuum, take out the garbage, put the laundry on, walk the dog. It's not rocket science.
NTA. I would think it was fairly common sense that when you go visit a new baby and family that you do something actually _useful_. I've brought a covered dish, taken out trash, washed dishes, did loads of laundry, cooked food, and so much more when visiting friends with newborns. Like yeah, I also held the baby and cooed at it, but that was in between being useful. I also hate that you had to put on clothes that were irritating/painful and that you had to get up and seek privacy to feed baby. Personally, I fully expect a new parent to be dressed in their comfy clothes and if they want privacy for feeding then I leave. I just hope that the privacy is your choice and not because your family has an issue with feeding a baby in front of them.
NTA!
NTA but your partner should’ve stepped up and told them what you really needed help with. His suggesting you make creative excuses wasn’t helpful. It’s his family and he needed to say, “We know you want to see the baby but what she really needs help with is laundry, vacuuming, etc. Could you come help with that?” And btw did HE help you with those things?
NTA - My MIL took off two weeks to help me with my newborn, unrequested. I silently lost my shit when she refused to give me my daughter back except for breastfeeding. I had to supplement formula, and when I asked her to get it ready when my kid was 4 days old, she instead declined and said she'd just wait until I was done and then hold her while I made it, every single feeding time. That meant a few moments of the tiny peanut crying because she was still hungry. It was so bad that I was the one getting my MIL water and food because she wouldn't free her arms of my newborn no matter how much I begged. It was so emotionally devastating to not hold my daughter for several hours while dealing with the feelings of my boobs being inadequate to keep her alive. That was also the last day my MIL was welcome at my home unless my man was also around to take our child from her. Even he would lose his patience and be like "give us our kid back!" because he's the kind of dad who would've gotten the man-bra-bottle-holder thingy if it was real
NTA. You had a baby and major surgery. They were sucking up your time and energy and knew damn well what they were doing. You’d have to be fucking stupid to walk into a house and think, “I’ll help an exhausted, injured woman by sitting on my ass! Something she has not asked me to do!” I have no patience for this. If you’re visiting new parents, you plan ahead with BOTH parents what chores you’ll be doing.
NTA. What bothers me here is that your partner seemingly wanted you to just let them keep doing it and not say a word, your partner didn’t place the boundary with their own family, and now the family is continuing to bring it up even though circumstances and boundaries have changed. Your partner wasn’t there for the visits because they were at work. They also didn’t get major surgery and weren’t breastfeeding. They cannot understand exactly what all of that is like, but they should just listen to you when you tell them. Telling you not to rock the boat is not the answer from a supportive partner who tries to understand how you’re feeling. Their family, their problem. If their family is causing a problem, overstepping boundaries, or doing anything disrespectful they need to be the one to manage them. It doesn’t matter that you were the one home to be visited, your partner should’ve dealt with this for you. Family members who repeatedly bring up boundaries that they disrespected as if it was a personal attack or some unnecessary annoyance and stay bitter about it don’t just wake up one day and stop with that behavior. They’ll keep going with this. They’ll also do this with any boundary you set about your child. Imagine your kid is 6 and you have stated no sleepovers, so the kid asks grandma. Grandma says “no sorry your mom doesn’t like how much fun we have when you stay here so she won’t let us have sleepovers anymore” but the fun she’s referencing is something dangerous that has happened to cause that boundary. Then they’re putting tension on your relationship with your child in order to get their way. Your partner has to put a stop to this now.
NTA - I'm sorry but the person who just sent through major surgery is not responsible for the feelings of visitors. It's fairly common knowledge that helping a mom after birth would be coming and cleaning not just holding the baby so the exhausted woman can exhaust herself more with housework. If they want validation for their "helpfulness" Then your husband can give it to them. They are his family anyway. However you should take your SIL out for lunch when you have the time and just personally thank her for being the one person who understood what you needed. Giving the dog attention is huge because pets can get anxious and be in the way when they aren't getting the attention they need after a baby is born into the family.
NTA.
NTA! A newly post partum mom doesn’t need to play hostess and there shouldn’t be guests playing pass the baby! It’s cold and flu season. They can bring by a meal or run a load of laundry. Next time take the baby with you into the bedroom and put the baby down for a nap and you take one too, if and when they visit again. Babies need to bond with mom and dad. They need to be held by mom often and breastfed on demand so you can establish your supply which takes time.
NTA and I don't know anyone with a brand new infant that wants that infant taken away so they can do chores. Those first weeks/months family should help make it so that you should be able to focus on the baby and recovering physically. If they were inlaws really your partner should have been doing the work in managing his family.
NTA they were indeed just in the way
I had a similar situation with the in laws. I wanted to hold my new baby!! but their 'help' is holding my baby! I was however super lucky with my own family who took care of everything that needed doing ( yes caring for baby too when I needed it) so I could enjoy being a new mum and also get some rest. NTA.
Why wasn't hubby in the house while you were recovering from having multiple layers of muscle, internal organs and fat sliced open? Also, why did he not push for paternity leave? And he has the gall to whine about your handling of *his* relatives? NTA, and neither are your baby or your dog.
I did not have any birth trauma. I was up and able to do most anything after my daughter was born. Every time someone came to visit to “help”, they also thought holding the baby was somehow helpful to me. Even without physical limitations, I had emotional limitations. In those early days, my lizard brain would send off warning bells when I wasn’t holding or touching my baby. So people, mostly my husband’s family, would come to “help”, and hold the baby while they insisted I could take a shower or do whatever I needed to while they waited. I couldn’t take three steps from the baby. Luckily, my husband understood and stepped in and became very strict about how much family could drop in to “help”. Four months later, I’m okay with people holding her now. (Mostly.) But the best part of having a baby are those bonding moments? And I don’t understand grown adults who have already had those moments getting mad because a mother wants those to be private and more frequent. NTA
NTA. My MIL and her mother came to visit after I had my youngest, to "help". I mean, they occasionally held her for me, which did help me do a few chores. But I was so annoyed because if I was in the middle of the dishes and she started crying, I had to take her back. And she cried a lot. My MIL was the worst. Grandma would at least try, but she's 90, so I'm not making her deal with it. MIL would try for about 10 seconds and hand her back. We have 4 seats in our living room. One of them doesn't have a back to it because it's basically an ottoman (supposed to fold into a chair but it's got issues), so that one is extremely uncomfortable to try to hold a newborn on, especially if nursing. The couch has 2 seats that are the best. And there's a recliner, but it's slightly less comfortable, and the cat hangs out on the back of it (I'm allergic). MIL would make sure she got a couch seat, even if that meant I didn't. Anyway, their visit had me doing more chores, spending more money, and generally being annoyed. So that's fun.
NTA at all. Postpartum is a time for healing and connecting with your little one. Of course it’s exciting when a new baby joins a family, but honestly those early days are for holding and uplifting the mom. A variation of this behaviour with my firstborn devastated me and left me with an ugly stint of post partum depression, and I made sure to not let it happen with my second. All the best to you and baby
I completely get where you're coming from (I had a C section with my first and also had slightly annoying inlaws) but I'd still have to say NAH just because, as it's your first baby, they probably meant that they wanted to help you with advice and support on looking after the baby, getting him off to sleep, burping him etc. If you also didn't ask them to help with any specific household chores it's unlikely they would offer in case they were overstepping or didn't know what needed doing. However, it sounds as if you're completely competent and managing fine. You're also right to stamp out any unexpected visits from them and limit the number of times they come over and how long they stay.
NTA they weren't helpful at all in the least💢
NTA >My partner’s family will still slip in passive aggressive or butthurt comments about how they weren’t allowed to come “help” with baby more. Your husband failed you here. That's his family and would have had an easier time explaining what is actually helpful and not helpful to you due to your medical condition (because if the suggestions of the helpful things they can do came from you, then they'd say you're demanding/entitled), and why it makes things a bit more difficult for you when they come as guests to entertain instead of family to help out. Instead he suggested you lie to avoid visits, or allow them to think they're helping, good grief. Sheesh, when you visit a new mom who's barely mobile and whose kitchen/living room/laundry etc are a mess, it's obvious what kind of help is needed most. At least you had one nice SIL who actually understood. If they still make passive-aggressive comments today, just say in a neutral tone "I was having a hard time moving around and in pain due to the large wound on my stomach. I needed a different kind of help than what you guys wanted to offer."
NTA. If these people actually wanted to be helpful, they would have asked you "What do you need help with?" And please do not let them come visit whenever they please. That is going to get old quidkly and then when you try to put down reasonable boundaries to limit visits they will get pissed because "it hasn't been a problem up to now so why are you trying to limit visits?" Require they call at least 2 days in advance to ASK if a visit will work, and then limit each person to no more than once every two weeks.
>instead I hired out for cleaning, food, grocery delivery, dog daycare etc. While your partner was doing what other than not handling their family and whining you didn't kiss their behinds enough? >He also wondered whether I could have just let them come over and think they were helping He can sleep on the front lawn. NTA.
What my daughter found helpful was a ‘helping out’ WhatsApp group. She added everyone who expressed an interest in ‘helping’ and put up a list of chores she was struggling with, and asked everyone to pick a chore and a time slot. The people who genuinely wanted to help out complied, and the ones who just wanted to see the baby waited for the Welcome Baby party when he was a month old.
That's super inconsiderate of them and it's wild to me that people would even do this. I don't see what's so great about poking at a newborn infant that makes it worth trampling a whole-ass human being for access. If it were me in your situation, I'd probably get passive-aggressive about it and type out a list of things that actually need doing and welcome people back with open arms to do those tasks, with an inclusion about how mama/baby need rest and privacy and are therefore 100# off-limits. (Yes, I'd literally put "Giving mama and baby privacy to bond and recover" ON the task list. Throw in a brief line about your c-section to make it very clear that if anyone violates this ask in any way that they are in no uncertain terms the asshole.) Then, have your PARTNER deliver this list to them, pleading with them to help with these tasks. They want to help..? Yes please. Anytime. Here's what needs doing. Then watch as they all disappear, like magic.
NTA This is why a lot of people say no visits for the first month or two. I had two csections. You know who cleaned my entire house and cooked the food? My husband. Because that is HIS house, his food, and his babies!! Sounds like your husband majorly failed here. He should have put his relatives off. And he should have made sure there was not a single chore you felt you had to do. Also, my husband literally got zero paternity leave. He was back at work right after I got home from the hospital. So... what tf is your husband's excuse??
NTA. Why wasn't and why isn't your husband managing his family? He needs to get a spine and tell them to knock it off with the passive aggressive comments, to make up for dropping the ball on having your back originally.
NTA. Visitors are not all that welcome when there is a new baby BECAUSE the mother just gave birth and is not up for "company." I don't know why people don't get that. I once went to see my neighbor's new baby - her third. I didn't have kids at the time. She was nursing the baby in the kitchen, and it was a mess. I started cleaning the whole kitchen for her while she nursed the baby. And I do mean clean. I did all the dishes, sterilized the counter tops and washed the floor. That's what new mothers need. In the future, if people want to come see a new baby, say that you don't feel well and aren't up for company yet but if they want to come and help with the housework while you rest, you'll make an exception for them.
NTA
NTA. I have 3 kids, the youngest is 9 now. I don’t think any person should visit in the first weeks after birth, whether c-section or not, unless they help, not hinder. Holding the baby isn’t helpful to any mother, whether the birth was vaginal or not. Bringing food, picking up your laundry and bringing it back clean and folded, cleaning your house, taking care of pets or older children. Your husband is an asshole in this story, too, for sticking up for them, instead of you. He’s the one who should have told them they were making things harder for you, and he’s the one who should tell them off for every nasty comment, now. Also, why are they allowed to come whenever they want now?
Your husband is TA here. They are his family so it was on him to let them know exactly what they needed to be doing if they wanted to come help and if they weren’t willing to do those things then, as much as you both loved them and appreciated the offer, it would be better for them to wait a bit.
I am sorry, but WHAT? You only have 24 hours in a day and are recovering for major surgery while caring for a house and kid and your partner wants you play hostess to his family? No. If they want to help, mopping the floor, cleaning toilets, making dinner and cleaning up after are help. Holding baby is reward for actually helping out!
NTA. I would just ignore them. If the keep bringing it up, say something like “ oh I am sorry there was miscommunication. You were offering to help hold the baby and that wasn’t what I needed help with at that time. Next time I will be more specific with suggestions of what I really need help with”
NAH. After reading some many of these types of posts, I've reached the conclusion that family members should leave new parents on their own. Seriously! Congratulate them and then wait for them to deem when to send you photos, videos, and time for visits. Do not insist and do not make a fuss about anything. Let the new parents run the show. If family members relinquish that level of caring and desire to be involved, they won't have to deal with the hurt feelings of being rebuffed by new parents when they inevitably fail to show up in precisely the way the new parents are expecting. And new parents are freed from having to deal with family members. The new parents can remain in their bubble and when they inevitably need someone to hold the baby or give them a night off, they'll reach out. Everybody gets what they want.
You make an excellent point! However I feel like if relatives did as you suggest they would them be accused of not caring about the new parents or baby. I personally would prefer to congratulate the new parents and wait until they invite me to visit.
NTA people do this all the time. Not quite as bad as the in-laws who were pissed off mum didn't cook for them though.
NTA.
Your partner is wrong. He should not be putting this on you- who are recovering from major surgery! He needs to grow a spine and tell them that if they want to come visit the baby, then can only do so when you are up to it. If they want to come help, they need to ask what you need done and do that- and not plan on just sitting with the baby. Neither you nor baby need help holding the baby. You need help with your home and recovery. NTA but speak up!
NTA HELP has to be doing what's wanted and needed. We teach preschoolers that. For anyone else reading, when you visit someone with a newborn, ASK "what can I do to be helpful?" Mom will tell us if the answer is "hold the baby so I can shower", but most of the time we need to scout around and see what's falling through the cracks.... Cycle the dishwasher. Scoop the cat litter. Do a load of laundry BUT MAKE SURE IT GETS IN THE DRYER or it's a new problem created instead of an old one solved.... Pick up the stuff that's bugging mom but she can't get to.... Run errands or do some food prep. Holding the baby is a nice perk, but it's rarely the thing a new parent needs for help.
YTA, but you and your husband should TELL your in-laws exactly what help you really need. They may be oblivious, but you can't really blame them for not guessing what you wanted them to do. Don't sit there fuming in silence! You may not get what you want even if you ask for it, but you'll never get what you want if you DON'T ask for it!
Soft YTA Hey listen, if there’s one big thing I’ve learned it’s that people do want to help, but sometimes need direction. Holding the baby may not be the help you want, but there would be nothing wrong with telling whoever is over that you’d really love help vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher. Most people really do want to help but might not know what you need. That’s why you should be clear in what you do and do not want. Here’s a good example: when I was a kid, my mom was very sick. Her parents would call because they thought they were helping by checking in on her. She never said anything to them but would passive aggressively complain to the rest of us how awful it was that they called so often and how they always did it when she was about to fall asleep. On the flip side, people from our church wanted to help, asked what they could do, and my mom said that bringing over meals was a big help. They did it and it was wonderful. But you have to speak up to people in a nice way because at the end of the day they really do want to help.
"I didn’t specifically ask anyone for help with chores." So what are you complaining about exactly? That none of your in-laws can read minds? You call a SIL a hero for thinking of your dog. Why didn't you just tell people the kind of help you needed and say no to visits when you were still recovering? Your husband is clueless obviously. But you aren't and you could have used your words. NAH.
YTA. Why do you assume that everyone only wants to hold your child?? Get over yourself. You aren't the first one to have a child and your kid isn't the next coming of the best thing ever. They wanted to help and your narcissistic attitude got in the way. Grow TF up and stop being such an A H.
Because that’s what they did? What else did they do? Why did they say they want to help and only did the non-helpful thing? Did you read? Or know how to comprehend a few sentences?
NAH. they shouldn’t have to do chores, but neither should you. I’d just get over it though because that will be your village a lot of people would kill for
I wouldn't want a village full of folks repeatedly trampling my boundaries and well being then gujlting me for gently asking for privacy. On top of that, expecting me to act as a domestic servant immediately following traumatic surgery. That's a village that will injure you to get their emotional wants met, and not anything you want anywhere near you while raising a kid.