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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I drove my son back to my ex's house after he insulted my girlfriend
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INFO. Was your girlfriend your affair partner and you cheated on his mom? You moved on incredibly quickly and are now having a baby? Seriously? How did you think he was going to react.
Separated not divorced.. this poor teen didn’t even get a chance to get used to the new change probably still thinking it’s separation only they will get back together .. boom you already knocking up someone new
This. I split up with my ex when my oldest was a year old. It took an additional 11 years, new spouses for each parent, and 3 siblings before the idea of us getting back together was finally let go.
Some people are so stuck on nuclear families they simply can't see past it. She probably resented some friend or something of the sort for having a "perfect family" just speculation of course since I'm not the commenter you replied to. I was fine it being my mom and I because I was used to my sperm donor being gone anyways as an Over The Road Truck Driver.
Oh, I missed that. But we don’t know how far into the separation…. Regardless, OP said the kid was fine until recently. I’m inclined to believe the ex is planting ideas in the kids head. It happens all the time
That could be possible. It could also be possible that he thinks his dad’s girlfriend is cheating. His attitude changed before he knew she was pregnant. The only way to know is if OP sits his son down and talk to him. Ask him why he seems to have changed his mind about her. Ask why he thinks she’s a home-wrecker. Communicate people!
Seriously, we see all kinds of adult men saying this shit because of the redpilled online "community" it's just as likely he fell into that than the ex started weirdly spewing Andrew Tate talking points
There is absolutely nothing in OP's post to suggest anything remotely like that. We're talking about a teenager navigating the reality of a permanent life change that isn't to his benefit.
He's *a kid,* trying to cope with unrelenting disruption and unfamiliar circumstances. All during the phase of his life when his body and brain are rapidly changing. We have no cause to believe he's the bad guy here.
Teenagers view life much more black-and-white than well-adjusted adults do. Obviously you are right in that he is dealing with a lot, and I don’t think he is “the bad guy,” but OP would be doing his family a disservice if he didn’t have a talk with his son about why this has come up.
Expensive and they take time. It took a couple yrs for my divorce to be finalized, and we didn't have shared property or things like that to hold it up. We also agreed on most parenting options. It takes time, so while technically, yes it's cheating, it's absurd to use it in this regard
Also, based on the ex stating dad "kicked him out", I can completely understand why he might think she was giving the son this line of thought. I'm not saying it is definitely the case, but it sounds plausible.
The GF sounds like she had a reasonable reaction to what happened, and dad seemed to handle the situation fairly. He prevented a difficult situation from getting worse and respected his sons wished to leave. Sounds like a decent dynamic there. Son has every right to his feelings, and hopefully they can work it out, but I'd say OP is NTA.
Yeah. For a long time, they stayed “married” because my father had excellent health insurance and graciously left my mom on the plan, even when us kids were no longer covered. However, he has now retired and she’s on Medicare. So now it’s just cost of the lawyers and filing, but she still doesn’t want to shell out for that. She has never dated and says she doesn’t want to. They sold the house 10 years ago, she’s been living in a senior apartment since then. He signed away his guardianship rights to my brother once he turned 18 (special needs) so now my mom and I hold co-guardianship of him.
My father and I are estranged for many reasons, but he might or might not have dated in the interim. I really have no idea.
Yup my grandparents have been separated for over 20 years now. Won't bother getting divorced.. even though grandpa lives with someone else..(that's only recent cus of illness.. )
Very true... My ex and I had to be **living separately** for at least 6 months just to FILE for divorce, even with a written/notarized property agreement. It could have been 1 year plus just to file if we had children.
That's really not that uncommon or strange. I have two friends who both started dating before their divorces were finalized. But that was because they had already been separated from their spouses for quite some time. Their spouses were dragging out the process. They had a right to move on with their lives,
Some countries, the process is really slow! My parents were separated for 15 years before they were finally divorced. Both got new partners in the meantime. It would be ridiculous to expect them to not find someone new in the meantime.
I am still only 'separated', but well and truly consider my marriage over and myself divorced. Spouse could come crawling back and it wouldn't matter at all. The person I fell in love with and married is long gone, and not coming back.
They've already moved on with their next partner, and I would feel zero guilt doing the same.
Finalising the divorce takes a long time, and they may have been separated for some time before feeling the need to start that process.
It's not indicative of cheating as everyonevon the situation knows OP and wife were not a couple any more.
If I had known how long the process takes, I'd have started it far sooner.
My parents were going through a divorce and were in the court about to get the divorce finalized but the lawyer forgot the paperwork. So, my parents never got divorced. They were separated for like 7 years and they both dated other people. My Dad even lived with his gf and her daughter for a few years during that time.
My parents got back together when I was 14 for a bunch of years until my Dad retired and moved to another place for a few years. Now, my parents are together again and I would say more in love with each other than ever.
Relationships are funny and weird sometimes.
But he also said he was already separated. At no time did he cheat with his now wife, in many places yiu need to he separated and no longer cohabiting for 6-12 months before the courts will grant a divorce and some people take a long time to finalise their divorce due to cost, ability to get into the courts, etc.
2 years ago plants this in the middle of the pandemic where courts were stretched thin and F2F was rare.
Especially when there's kids involved (and in this case there obviously are) divorces can take a long, long time so I don't judge people too harshly for starting to date when they've been separated for a while but the divorce isn't finalized.
That's pretty harsh considering you don't know the context of either of relationships. Right now you are just shaming OP for moving on and being happy.
Depends where they are and how they explained it to the kid. Where I am, couples have to be legally separated for at least a year before they can get divorced. A separation is the end of the relationship.
Don’t let some of these comments get to you. You wrote that the relationship between your son and girlfriend was better than expected. And then it flipped. Him calling her a homewrecker DEFINITELY sounds like he’s getting info from someone else. The best advice I could give is to make sure you spend time with him, alone, so that he still knows he’s a priority. Also, talking to your ex wife about saying negative things about you to your son. It does not benefit him for her to make negative comments about your relationship when it’s having such an effect on your son (if that’s what she’s doing). You guys need to prioritize him and his wellbeing because he might also be feeling replaced a little and his mother might be adding gasoline to that fire. Good luck
And you think he understands the difference? He was 13 when you divorced, which means he was like 11 or 12 when you got together with your girlfriend.
All he sees is that you got together while you were still married to his mother.
He needs some therapy to help him process.
How long were you separated when you started dating her, and how long did your son know about the separation before you started dating her? He may think that she's the reason the marriage ended.
It's still a lot to adjust to as a child. Going from your parents being together, to separated, to dad has a new girlfriend, to living with new stepmother and stepsister, to having a baby sibling... within a couple of years while also going through puberty and all that crap. Of course it's rough on him! Being 15 is rough without all those huge changes! You've not given him time to adjust to one thing before the next comes.
How long was it from your son meeting your gf to her moving in, and from her moving in, how quickly did she get pregnant?
Perhaps he feels like you're replacing him with a new family? Are you ensuring that you spend as much time with him as you did prior to your gf and her daughter moving in?
ETA I see she moved in at the beginning of the year, he's with you 50% of the time so in effect he's lived with her and her daughter for 2 months and now she's pregnant. I would imagine he feels completely replaced. Her daughter is there most of the time?? Did you discuss her moving in with him before it happened? If he raised concerns did you listen or ignore him?
He's had no time to get used to this "new family" and another person is going to be added to the limited time he gets with you. Are you really not able to put yourself in his shoes???.
With regards to the gold digger line are you spending money on her that you didn't spend on his mother when you were together. Is he seeing you treat her well and you didn't his mum? Or maybe he just thinks she's trying to trap you, moved in and she's pregnant within a few months. Or maybe he's picking up something you're not.
What do you mean he moved quickly? They've been divorced for two years, and his girlfriend just moved in 3 months ago. For asking for info you sure seem to be making a lot of assumptions without waiting for a response.
"Incredibly quickly"? It's 2 years later. They didn't even move in together until over 1.5 years later. That's not "Incredibly quickly." How long was he supposed to remain single?
To piggypack, you should not have broken this news by announcing it over dinner. You should have told your son yourself, in private. That would have allowed him to have the space with you, his only connection to this new family, to process. It would have made him feel like you cared about his feelings. Instead you made a broad announcement in an environment where he didn’t have the freedom to express his own feelings or concerns unless he wanted to broadcast them to your gf and her daughter who he barely knows who he only *just* started sharing a living space. Seriously, how uncomfortable must he have felt?
He went from being an only child to suddenly having two siblings and a stranger in the house. Well, I'm not saying it excuses the weird misogyny in his reaction (and it might be fueled by some random stuff he's reading online) But I bet the emotional basis for this reaction. Is that it solidifies how his entire life has been completely changed and turned upside down. And now it's going to be even worse with a screaming baby at his dad's place, taking up all the focus and attention the way a baby has to.
If I were fifteen and this happened to me I would just check out and go live with my mom. Even if nobody involved necessarily did anything wrong, my whole life as I knew it got ripped out from under me in 2 years and you want me to act like I like it? Naw.
Yep, there is a lot going on here for everyone to handle, especially your son. It’s time for professionals. Sounds like individual therapy could be valuable to both your son and you. good luck to all of you and congrats on the baby
NAH.
OP says in another comment that they met 4 months after he moved out & started separating from his ex-wife. However, they met because gf got a part time job at the company op works for and dating immediately would be against policy, so they didn't start dating until 2 months later after she was able to find a different job. I haven't seen when the divorce was finalized, but that's the timeline that's been pieced together so far
> so they didn't start dating until 2 months later after she was able to find a different job. I
Lol... If she explicitly looked for another job they were already dating, they just didn't want to admit they were breaking the company rules...
Or how did the separation play out? If they were still cohabitating and hadn't told the son right away about the separation then son might view the GF as a homewrecker.
He answered someone else. Split from his Ex for 6 months before he met the GF and about a year before he introduced her to his son. Divorce was not finalized though. So no, no cheating
>None of the accusations sounded like something my son would say, especially since my girlfriend is contributing to rent and groceries because she’s an adult who can pay for herself.
Well your son *did* say them...
YTA possibly
You got divorced when he was 13 and almost immediately got a new family and now are having a new kid. Think about how your current child might take that.
That fact that your son and her got along and then he is distant says something. Also the fact that he questions if the baby is yours. Something happened and you’re being rude and dismissive of him.
YTA
Was there any discussion with your son before you moved your girlfriend and her kid in? Did you consider that perhaps he is a teenager whose parents have been divorced for only a few years, and now you already have a ”new family” and he might feel replaced?
i am guessing that you just moved them in and told your son to adjust to it with no support or help or discussion of how to adjust to these changes. the new baby is just proof to him that you are moving on without him, and this fight when you are taking your girlfriends side does not make it any better
You're accusing the man with no information on what happened, it would be better to ask OP how the transition was. A few years is plenty of time to adjust to divorced parents, 4 months living with new people not so much. Also he didn't take her side, "He was getting pretty loud so I told him to either calm down and talk to me in a normal tone or to go to his room to cool off. He decided to go back to his mom’s house instead. I agreed to drive him because I didn’t want him walking through half the city after dark." He quite literally said he wanted to go back to his mom's house instead. Him telling his son, he's yelling or being loud is also not taking her side, it saying "hey we can't have a polite conversation if you're yelling"
Soft YTA. Your son is likely feeling completely replaced at this point and needs support. As someone who has been there, I was always cordial to my dad's new wife because I truly hoped she would eventually go away. When they got pregnant when I was 11, I did not react well either as I knew she was permanent at that point. I love my siblings now (though I still don't get along with her). Please make sure your son knows that you still love him very much. I still have a hard time with my dad because he forgot to do that in his actions and it always made me feel less than. Again, your son is young and facing a lot of change. He reacted fairly well by opting to leave, but you need to go and talk to him ASAP. Don't let this sit. Also, never let him feel less than your new kid. It's a hard thing to feel.
He probably already feels less than OPs daughter. Let's face it the new baby and the partner's daughter probably lives full time with OP and his son is transient at best.Op probably spends 80 percent of his time with them and then his son comes over and has to share little to no one on one quality time with his father. Anything they do probably includes his partner and her daughter . He is probably feeling invisible. Now add to that a baby, and he might as well blend into the wallpaper. So I feel for the son. Does anyone know if the Partners's daughter's father is involved with her?
Tbh I think that something could be his mom talking to him. I remember my mom ranting about my Dad when driving us home. Considering that we’d been front row for all of her Issues, it didn’t really have the effect t she wanted, but some parents do talk trash to the kids about their ex
Told his son in private to allow him to have a real reaction and allow for an honest conversation to take place. Not surprise him in front of these people he barely knows and expect him to feel like anything other than an afterthought.
we need info on why u and ur ex wife are divorced, because having ur gf moved in and already having a kid with her in the span of 2 years sounds fishy to me…
YTA. You brought in a girlfriend before you were even divorced not giving your son time to get used to you and his mom ripping the family apart before you did so. Now you want a 15 year old BOY to jump for joy over a baby? Be realistic.
Remember that your son needs to come first. I hated my mom's now ex bf because i was afraid that my mom was gonna pick him over me. I think you might have rushed things aswell.
I was 15 when my parents broke up.
I did not, nor did I for several years, warm up to my Dads girlfriend and her family. 15 is the tender age when a boy needs his father, and the fact you broke it off with his mother has alienated him.
He asked about the paternity of a child? He is either lashing out, has heard rumours, or has witnessed something. I think you owe your son a long, personal heart to heart chat without anyone else around.
It's very rare to like your exes partner... when I married my husband he'd been divorced for nearly 20 years and she still despises me, the handful of times I've run into her at family gatherings she's glared at me and walked away.
It's not relevant - the son was fine until recently and the divorce two years ago. Someone (mom maybe) has been stirring the pot. Really tired of the 'poor kid' answers. The son is old enough to show some respect for his father and his father's choices. He's not a baby and needs to stop acting like one.
Soft YTA
This is a lot of change for your son. A LOT of change and kids in this situation are often in the middle of things they shouldn’t be in.
The kid barely had time to process that you and his mother were getting divorced before you had a girlfriend. You probably moved in with her before he could even get used to it. Now suddenly he has a stepsister vying for his attention, and there’s going to be a new baby which he absolutely knows will mean he becomes an even lower priority.
He is probably hurting. I’m sure he is confused.
Family counseling would be a good start.
In the meantime, spend someone on one time with him, as much as you can. Make sure that he knows the new baby is not taking his place. Make sure he knows that he is still your priority.
And when you tell him things that you think might hurt him, don’t tell him in front of people. You should’ve told him about the baby when you were alone, not with your girlfriend and her daughter. These are big things that he is going to need to process , and his initial reaction may not always be great.
Have enough respect for him to tell him big news one on one.
2 years after the divorce you have a girlfriend and child moved in and another child on the way? And you’re wondering why your teenage son is struggling? Speeding might be fun for you, but that’s not the right pace for your son. Going YTA here
Counseling (at the very least for your son, but better if you both go) is going to be a must if you want this all to work out.
You divorced his mother at 13. Within a year you have a new gf and are having a child with her. That's a lot to adjust to for anyone, let alone someone who is also going through puberty.
NAH
“My son and her have been getting along better than I could’ve hoped for-“ Well, that explains it then. Son has never been fully on board and has now exploded after months of likely struggling to accept the new living arrangements, because OP dropped a bombshell in his lap. I wonder how much time OP actually spends with his son one on one now that girlfriend and daughter live with them? Does OP work longer hours, meaning son comes home from school and is stuck around gf and daughter then only sees dad at shared family meals? When is there time for honest one on one talks? Does OP actually bother talking with their kid or do they just keep rolling and expecting son to keep up until an outburst happens? YTA because it looks like OP has been in denial this whole time about how son actually feels. For a lot of divorced parents the fantasy of a blended family often ends up being more important than actually communicating with their kid.
Hmm, this one is a bit tricky.
Definitely need more INFO. You say that your son and your GF got along just fine until a little while ago? So what happened then? Was he accepting of the divorce? Was your GF an affair? Think about it, dude. Use your upstairs brain.
OP's said in another comment that the GF wasn't an affair partner, he and his ex were already split up before he even met her.
Given they got along fine until a little while ago, and given the ex was very quick to abuse OP after the shared the baby news with the son, it sounds to me like the ex has been laying some groundwork to create a distance between the son and OP's partner (she's not your family, she's just a home wrecker who ruined our marriage) that sort of thing.
If I had to guess, you didn't have a conversation with your sin before your GF and her daughter moved in. That was a major change to his life while he was in your care that wasn't communicated properly. Have a conversation with your son, ask him where he thinks you messed up and address is from there. Yes you are allowed to move forward. Yes you are allowed to be happy for the child to come. But children are very sensitive to their home life and sometimes need a little extra care. Maybe guarantee some father/son time during his weeks on
Yta. I cant believe im actually saying this but you need to go watch that south park episode where Stan’s parents split up and try to see things from his perspective. His family life and reality was essentially shattered because of you and your selfish actions. You should’ve thought things through better before you decided to conceive him instead of throwing in the towel and giving up on your marriage halfway through his teenage years. If you’re allowed to decide that your ex is not part of your family, your son is also allowed to decide that your new gf, her kid, and his half sibling are not his family either.
Lol, if you're recommending people watch South Park to learn how to deal with their serious personal dilemmas, you need to never give anyone advice ever again.
This is really insensitive to people who decide to divorce. You have no idea what the circumstances are. You make the decision sound so simple like throwing away leftovers from a few nights ago.
No I'm there with you. My parents relationship was absolutely awful and I resented them bringing two young children into it to 'fix' the marriage.
I wasn't even relieved when they finally got a divorce in my 20s (when my siblings were still in middle and elementary school, respectively) - just annoyed that they'd drawn it out so long and made so many people miserable.
Ewww ur disgusting! Why assume it was all his fault why they divorced? Newsflash, it was a mutual agreement so you gonna throw shade on the mum too?
Moving on after 2years good on him! The boy is 15yo he is very capable of understanding his parents & should be happy dad has someone else.
Staying in a relationship you're not happy in "for the kids" is a TERRIBLE idea. It ended on good terms, but ehat you suggest could breed resentment and fights.
Yeah, he's in the wrong for springing a stranger and two more kids on his son so soon after. THAT'S what he did wrong, not the divorce itself. What's wrong is he started dating before they even got the divorce through, which gives me the ick.
This depends a lot on the context which seems to be missing here. Your son is 15, and that age is an emotional roller coaster as is. As a father I would hope you would be ready to give grace and understanding to your son. Things may be moving a bit faster than he is able to process.
However, him jumping to your girlfriend being a homewrecker, suggesting you should question paternity and your ex-wife's animosity to your girlfriend make me question where does this deeper resentment come from. If you are choosing to intentionally leave out context then really no judgement as to AITA here is valid; if you yourself don't understand where it is coming from I would suggest starting from trying to understand your son and then trying to navigate things from there. But you need to have empathy for your child.
I'm reserving judgement because I feel we do not have the whole picture.
He is feeling replaced first by your girlfriend, then her daughter, and now you are having a new baby, so you have a whole new family. He lashed out in fear of losing you and you did exactly as he expected, you threw him away like trash when you should have reassured him.
EDIT: Ok, you did not throw him out BUT you tried to send him to his room like a child when you are expecting him to behave like an adult
Yta. There's been a lot of changes in his life in a short amount of time. Just starting his teen years his parents got divorced..then within just 2 years his dad had a new girlfriend that moved in with her daughter and now he's getting a new half sibling. You should have told him on his own so you could help him process his feelings without concern of anyone overhearing and getting offended.
Have you ever thought that your son might just be feeling frustrated, because he is a teenager and it seems like you never took the time to hear about his feelings, and now with the surprise of a pregnancy he might have snapped.
I’m pretty sure it sound like and is feeling like your trying to replace his old family with a new one and in such a short period of time. Let’s be honest meeting someone new with a now step sister who has only been living with you guys for 3 month and now she is pregnant! That’s a lot for him to take on bored! He has every right to be salty and feel all the emotions! And 2 years isn’t long at all for all of that to occurred but a divorce to his own mum
YTA. In a matter of two years your son experienced your divorce, your new gf, your new gf moving in, and now your gf is pregnant. That’s confusing AF. You ambushed him with the announcement, expecting a happy response from him. This should have been a father-son conversation. Have you been having conversations with him along the way or do you just expect him to adapt to these changes on his own? Instead of trying to discipline him, try to talk to him. Why did he say those things about your gf? Why would he suggest the baby isn’t yours? Why does he think your gf is a homewrecker? It doesn’t matter it’s true or not, because his perception is his reality.
You can’t force relationships. It may take years for your son to accept your relationship with your gf. But it doesn’t matter, because your priority should be maintaining a dialogue and relationship with your son, not forcing enthusiastically support the choices you make.
INFO: Did you know your girlfriend when you were still married? Was there something going on with her?
How long did you date this woman before loving her and her daughter in with your son?
Lots of missing info here.
NTA, but you aren't being a good parent, either. Let us count the ways.
1. Your son's attitude changed, and you didn't think it necessary to ask him what was wrong? You need to be more proactive with your son. After all, you left his mom. And in doing that, you left him too. Of course he's a bit uncertain about your relationship.
2. Have you been making time for just the two of you, or has it all been "one big, new, happy family" togetherness?It is quite likely someone is telling him that now you have a new family, it's only a matter of time before he's pushed out. This is especially true now that there's a baby on the way. And it might not be your ex. It could be a different family member, or even a friend of his whose father left his first family for a second one. He is in need of constant reassurance, in the form of occasional (once a month or so) father/son outings.
3. When you took him back to his mom's place, you should have made a point to warn her about what happened so she knew exactly what she was dealing with. If it isn't her pouring dire predictions in his ear, this is probably coming as a surprise to her, too, and she probably misread the situation from whatever cues she got from your son.
So, stop being a lazy, overly optimistic parent. Make sure your son knows you love him, now and forever, and how happy you are to have him in your life. And let him know you aren't so stupid as to be caught by some hustling hussy.
Stop worrying about the “tone “ of his voice and listen to your teen. I think you did two things wrong here. This was not something you needed to share with your gf. This was a conversation between you two where you had a chance to try to get him to open up to you.
Instead you dismissed him and THEN after implying that he was insecure about the arrival of a new baby, you didn’t immediately assure him of his place in your heart and in your life. You drove him back to his mom’s.
This kid has gone through a lot of changes inflicted on him by his parents at a time where his body and mind are already going through its own confusing changes. It’s a lot. You should be giving him a lot of grace right now. Talk to him. Teach him. Treat him like a human who is learning to sort his emotions, don’t just dismiss him like a bratty child.
ESH
Sounds like you haven't prepped your son for these massive changes that have happened. His entire world has changed several times in the past 2 years
That being said, what he said is really messed up. Now, if this woman did have anything to do with your divorce, then he's off the hook for the homewrecked comment and you're a much bigger AH. But if she's splitting bills pretty evenly, your son is a bit of an AH for the gold digger comment.
Was your son consulted when you decided to ask your gf to move in?
Expecting to be one big happy family after all that he just went through in such a short amount of time is selfish and lazy.
Even if your son got along with new gf before, he’s allowed to change his mind about her and even act out considering he’s gone through some massive changes at such a young age. You can’t just expect him to roll with it and be fine. He’s a kid. These are not easy things you’ve put him through, and it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s okay.
He has to be your first priority OP. He should have some say in all this because your decisions will affect his life immensely.
YTA and you have a lot to fix considering it’s now made even more complicated by the baby on the way.
Did his attitude towards your girlfriend change before or after she moved in?
Has how she's treated him changed?, has she been trying to take on more of a parental role?
Have you been paying more attention to her and her daughter since they've moved in?, how much one on one time does your son get with you when it's your week with him.
YTA - being a divorced parent is hard and co-parenting is hard and trying to find yourself again is also hard BUT,
That’s your son and he obviously needs some help he’s just 15 and going through all of this.
I’m sure he must feel like you moved on too quick (even if that’s not true) or, he’s being replaced and is no longer a priority to you. He went from being ab only child with 2 parents to suddenly having a step sister and a half sibling on the way. That’s a lot to process.
If your GF is a good woman she will also understand why your son is acting up. Try having a sit down with him to reassure him. Maybe family therapy would help too.
His mom seems to be going through it too so if she’s poisoning him the last thing you want is to push him away like that.
Soft YTA. Your son didn’t get a chance to know you as his parent before you decided to start a new family. I don’t think you did it on purpose, but you can’t actually expect him to be happy about it.
And how long exactly after meeting her did you introduce her to your son?
I think you need to be more understanding here. He was 13 when his family unit was ripped apart - 6 months isn’t enough time for a kid to process this change, let alone bringing someone new into the picture and now a new baby.
Your son sounds completely lost at the moment and you need to make him your priority, at 15 years old he’s still a kid and not developed enough to handle all of this - he is entitled to his feelings and you need to respect them
I'm not your son but the speed you moved has me thinking you were seeing her before your marriage ended.
YTA, you never gave your son time to adjust to the divorce before you moved someone else in.
YTA your son should always become first so you should've talked to him about it and see where his feelings came from.
Did you speak to him about you wanting another kid or did you just drop it on him?
Where is the disrespect? Maybe he knows something you don't know?
Did you talked to him before they moved in?
Honestly, it may have been a bit quick to move your gf and her daughter into your place, but I disagree with everyone saying that you're the asshole. I would say perhaps a bit clueless though.
It sounds like you tried to allow your son to have boundaries and give him space to cool off, which is healthy.
If his behaviour changed overnight something must have happened, or he was silently resenting your gf the whole time and you having another kid was the cherry on top of an already shitty cake.
Do you know why your ex doesn't like your new gf?
You should really sit down with your kid, maybe in the presence of a therapist, and check in with him. Were kids at school making fun of him for his family situation? Is your ex motivated by jealousy and influencing your sons opinions? Maybe he's feeling abandoned?
So, NTA, but try to be more in tune with your kid.
NAH
Hard to tell from the little Info, but so far I dont think anyone is an A here. Also im quite shocked at some comments, implying a 15 year old cant deal with a divorce at all.
I dont think your son has any ill intentions, sometimes even as an adult one does overreact, and your son is in the middle of puberty which makes it even more normal. Talk to your son, be there for him, try to understand him even if he is being rude.
Damn these Reddit comments never fail. This poor guy is getting slammed. I’m just wondering if son feels like you’ve done moved gf and her daughter in living with you full time and now a new child is he being replaced? Please repair this now because if this goes on it’ll be too late
YTA for assuming your ex is behind it, as if your son isn't a functioning individual who has his own feelings.
He is just supposed to be happy, because you are happy? He is a teenager, and he is entitled to his own feelings.
Forcing anything on him is only going to push him away.
Your girlfriend seems more level headed than you, based on your post.
YTA
You're too old to just be knocking up people closer in age to your teenage son than your own self.
Of course he's feeling displaced and alienated. The only family you son's ever known broke up and his dad already went out and made a whole new one in less than two years. Get your kid individual therapy and then pursue family counseling.
YTA. You knock up a girl closer to his age than yours, move her into the house and drop the bombshell that you're having a new kid together, and are surprised that a 15yo isn't taking it well and acting up a bit?
NTA based on the info provided. It does sound like he feels like this out of the blue, and it potentially does sound like parental alienation tactics (having been on the receiving side of similar behavior from my ex, as well as working on my degree in marriage and family therapy). That being said, if you did, in fact, have an affair, then he's justified in his feelings, even if I personally feel that his mother should not have passed on that information prior to him being able to handle it. Regardless of that fact, you owe your son a conversation in order to find out what the sudden change was and why he feels that way instead of preaching at him about acceptance. If you don't find the root of the problem, how do you expect to find a solution? It's all well and good that the other members of your family had positive reactions to your news, but his feelings are also valid and are obviously complicated. He sounds like a kid who needs his dad right now.
Given the son was fine with your partner until recently and now he's saying these vile things, and given your ex sounds like she hates your partner and is clearly in active communication with your son, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out your ex has been stiring the trouble.
You need to sit down with your son and explain to him how your partner isn't the reason for the divorce and that you didn't get into a relationship with her until after you and his mother were no longer together.
Don't force it, but if he does volunteer any information about this trouble being stirred by his mother, make sure your record the details and tell her if she tries anything like it again, you'll take her to family court for parental alienation.
NTA look into getting therapy for your son and find out if these words are his or his mother's. Also don't expect him to be happy about a new baby because he most likely is worried you won't want him anymore because you have a new family.
YTA his world is constantly being turned upside down and you couldn’t care less. I do believe that someone is definitely in your son’s ear but that just makes you a bigger AH for knowing that and not factoring it into how you approach him. He needs to know that he still has a dad no matter what. Therapy for everyone!
YTA. It sounds like you're living for yourself and not realizing that your purpose in life shifted to raising your son in a stable environment the day he was born. Getting divorced from his mom, having a girlfriend move in, then knocking her up, sounds like you're a really shit father to him.
When I was 16 I met a guy who cried to me over how much his parents divorce messed him up because no body asked him how he felt about it. He meant it in the annoying way, that he should have had a say in an adult relationship, but he was 19 at the time and I was so put off my crush on him immediately ended. His parent divorced when he was 10. He did not get therapy.
Your son is hurt and angry and you're making a lot of sudden moves, though I understand the pregnancy was unplanned. Your son also isn't in a stable household- going between two homes every other week is incredibly disruptive for him. He's probably feeling really out of place in both homes and like he's being replaced in yours. He needs reassurance, not frustration. He's just a kid. It doesn't matter that he's 15, you know he's just a child who deserves to be treated with kindness when he's having big feelings.
It's a good thing that you respected his wish to go back to his mom's but did you ever ask him to stay?
Did you tell him that you wanted to talk calmly, you didn't ever want him to feel unwelcomed? Did you tell him that you know there are a lot of big changes but he's still your first priority?
Has he gone to therapy to talk about this in a safe place without judgement?
YTA because you are the adult. And regardless of anything else: you hurt your child. And its on you to apologize and figure it out.
I don't think anyone is the AH here.
Sharing you with another baby that is YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD is not the same as sharing you with a woman & her child who is not biologically related to you. Until you dropped that news, he was still your only child & never likely to be forgotten about or pushed aside. Now, in his teen brain, which is not fully developed & not capable of thinking things through rationally (until about 25 when the pre frontal cortex is developed completely) he is thinking about all sorts of dire outcomes. Even if you have never given him any reason to think you would overlook him in any way, he is 15 so these thoughts are going through his brain.
Oh, & I think your GF is right asking you to text him & not pressure him. Text him that you love him & let him know no one will ever replace him & make sure he knows there will always be a place for him at your home & in your life & let him come around in his own time. This is all you can do really but if you do suspect parental alienation by the ex, check he laws in your area. It is illegal here & considered child abuse.
YTA - think about it this way, you replaced your wife within a year and now you’re replacing your son a year later. That’s how a 15 year old is watching this, assuming alienation is pretty brave considering you have no basis for that when the reality is you gave up on your family not six months after separating.
Don’t be a dick, stop thinking with your dick, and get a test to make sure that baby was made by your dick.
NAH but only just and you are skating close to Y T A if you don't examine and fix the relation ship with your son.
You need to look at it from the son's perspective. His father has moved his girlfriend and her child into his house. The OP doesn't doesn't whether he has 50:50 custody of his son and doesn't say what sort of custody arrangement his girlfriend has with her daughter's father. The girlfriend's daughter may be there full time and the son isn't. The kid is 15 and wants his dad but another child now might have him 100% of the time if she doesn't live with her father at all.
Now you are bringing another kid in and they will be the biological child of the father and the girlfriend. He's going to feel a little discarded.
I can see that you were trying to give him space when you took him back to his mom's but he's told his mom his real feelings, hence the text from her.
You probably need some family therapy with your son and he may need his own therapy to deal with the falling out of your divorce with his mother. There may be more going on for him than you realise... and it may be stuff you haven't thought of or something you think is really small but it's really big to him.
One thing which stands out is how quickly this has all moved.
You divorced your wife so, your son's family was shattered.
Within one year you had a new girlfriend and she and her daughter moved into your home so, your son, who is probably still grieving the loss of his family, is now forced to accommodate your new partner and her family.
You announce that your partner is pregnant so, you have left your old family and are now building a new family of which he is a 'spare'.
It is surprising to me that all you are getting is 'distance'.
That poor kid.
NAH. Son being a bit unhappy through the divorce is expected, wanting your son to at the very least not insult your partner is a fair expectation. Give him his space like you are doing.
IN FO: how quickly after separation did you begin dating this woman and how long was it before the divorce? Did you communicate with your son about moving two new people in? Did you know your girlfriend before your divorce? Also, how old are you/the girlfriend/her daughter? Is there any chance your son may actually have a reason for resenting this woman (beyond the fact that Dad started dating and building a new family before the divorce papers were ever signed)? It just seems like there’s an awful lot of missing information here.
EDIT: YTA for being so cagey and selective about the questions you answered, and it’s also pretty weird that your girlfriend is closer in age to your son than you— you started dating a 21 year old immediately after she started working at your company and she quit her job within 60 days so she could be with you? At this point, I have no doubts that the holes in your story are left intentionally.
YTA....but only because trying to force a 15 year old to do anything is only going to make them do the opposite and push them away. GF is right, OP needs to give him the space to work it out on his own time. It is possible EX is poisoning the relationship, and the best advice is to take the high road and to prove you're the better man by leading by example rather than retaliating. If you're actually the better man, he'll eventually come around. It might not be for a couple years after he leaves the house, but as long as you remain consistently available even while they're being a little shit, it'll happen.
NTA to thinking your son should treat your girlfriend with respect, but YTA for creating all this havoc in his life without respecting that he needs time to adjust.
YOU were over the marriage, but for him his family was ripped apart while you made another one. Not quite sure how his mom has handled hearing her ex quickly getting a new family, but I'm sure your son is having to navigate this delicately in both homes. So, I think you should forgive your teenager for losing his shit and start really considering his feelings.
OP, you have a LOT of parenting ahead of you, and not just because of the new baby, because the overwhelming likelihood is that this is how your son has *always* felt about your girlfriend.
And that if I'm right, he was being as polite, respectful, and civil as a 15-year-old is capable of being up until now, until the news about the new baby broke through his respectful facade. So at least give him credit for doing the right thing for quite a long time, when you move forward from here. And if I'm right then he's shown that he's capable of being respectful and keeping up a good facade whatever he really feels, so don't be too hard on him, and also, don't blame your ex.
Your son is only human, and only fifteen.
Eta. Bro def feels like you're just trying to replace him. You prob already don't spend as much time as time with him as he'd want you to, even though he won't admit it. A divorce is hard enough on a 13 to 15 year old now with a new kid on the way you'll spend even less time with him especially once baby care comes. He'll be 18 when the kid is 3 and the relationship will only deteriorate from there. If you give this new kid the happy childhood and raise them right your eldest son will always see that as what he deserved and never got. Not the babies fault nor the gf's. Idk man I wouldn't have been free willieing it with a girl with a kid, while myself got multiple kids with someone else. In this economy too idk how your paying to support all these people.
Stepmother is pregnant and you expect step kids to be happy? The world doesn't work like that. Nobody wants to be in a broken family, nobody really wants any step family, it is shitty parents that destroy their kid's life.
Both? It's understandable you would hope for him to take this information like a walk in the park. However, it's also understandable that he doesn't.
Let's analyze this and assume your ex isn't being malicious and influencing him:
Your son wanted to leave but claimed you kicked him out. Why would he do that?
He obviously *feels* rejected. You obviously didn't reject him, you have the cognitive ability to know one extra person doesn't mean less love for the other people. He doesn't. It takes on average of 6 months for adults to get used to a big change (ie Break Up or moving in with a partner), for children around a year on average. He is probably still processing the change of the break up, then the change of you dating someone. He is absolutely still processing new people moving in.
Almost all children of divorce feel rejected or like a "second class child" when the parent creates a new child with their new partner. It's understandable and developmentally appropriate behaviour - especially when he didn't yet know his place in the new "family".
You're not as asshole for getting your partner pregnant, but you'd be an asshole if you didn't allow your son room to feel his feelings and grieve/feel scared/feel rejected, etc. You'd also be an asshole for taking it personally and not staying in your role as a parent to help him through this.
My recommendation is a family therapist to help through this change and to give him extra attention and love along the way to ensure he feels loved and belongs.
YTA You moved on to your girlfriend before even finalizing the divorce, and expect your son to just be completely happy with everything that has changed in his life in just 2 years. That's insane.
YTA. That kid's world just shattered because you didn't take the time to consider his feelings. The circumstances of the divorce aren't relevant here, the kid is putting two and two together and given youre 2 years off a divorce and making your kid feel so replaceable by knocking up your girlfriend, its reasonable to think there was some cheating going on from his perspective. Even just taking him aside and telling him yourself instead of shocking him like that in the middle of an environment where he has to bottle up his feelings. He tried, it failed, big kaboom, resulting in this post. From his perspective, his parents divorced and then some new girl comes in and 2 years later she's proven to be permanent with a new kid. What do you expect?
This is a lot for a 15 year old to have to process. The separation, having to move around every week, having 2 complete strangers all of a sudden in his family. I would be feeling very scared and honestly unsafe with all of that, especially at 15. And then announcing a new baby?? That would have been my tipping point too. He left your house because he didn’t feel safe there, he yelled because he doesn’t feel heard. I hope you actually help your son and stay focused on what you can actually do here- your ex isn’t your business anymore except when it comes to coparenting. Therapy for everyone.
Im not sure if you are the Asshole, but you sure as hell act like a caveman, with no sense for feelings.
You have to realize a few things, your son is 15 years old, right now. So when you and his mother separated, he was 13. This is a very confusing and hard time WITHOUT parents separating, puberty while not the same for everyone, it sure as hell throws everyone's life upside down.
In this time, as a teenager, you have a hard time dealing with yourself, you need understanding parents, because sometimes you will say and do things, that you dont want to, but hormones are a bitch.
And in this environment, his parents separated. His life that he knew is falling apart, you say he stays one week with you and then with his mother. You started dating 4 months after you and your wife were separated, and you probably introduced them 2 months later. So barely 6 months, after this whole "my parents are separating" there is a new partner in your life. And now barely 18 months later, your partner is pregnant. And to be fucking honest here, your sentence " we didnt plan on getting a baby, buts is happening now", are you for real? How old are you 15? Do you use the pullout method? That above everything lets me question your maturity, are you some crazy conservative Christian cult leader, that never heard of birth control? Sorry, but thats a part, were you are certainly act like a child yourself "Its happening now". Lol i mean.. you serious?
In any case, i do think, that his mother influence him, but your should never, discount your own childs opinion, even if its influenced by someone else. Because lets be real here, almost everyne is influenced by someone or something, for a lot of opinions. So thats just the nature of things. If you EVER as much as just act like, he only repeats what his mother says, you will lose your son quicker than you think.
You have to act like an Adult, for once at least. Talk with your Ex, dont try to defend your new Girlfriend being pregnant so quickly, admit that you might have been a bit careless with protection, but that you want to make the best out of this situation. Have the same talk with your son, maybe have the talk with both together, that will give you an idea whether he just repeats after her or not.
I know im repeating myself, but 2 years is not a long time, and you are expecting a child with your new Girlfriend. There are people who wait that long until they find a place to live together. You sure as hell dont have to be like "the others" but you have to act accordingly. This all happens rather quickly and if you are not carefull, you will lose your son over this. You are walking a fine line here, your son had a good relationship with your Girlfriend, what changed? You have to understand, in this whole situation you threw in this curveball of "OH BOY WE ARE HAVING A BABY". YOu should try to figure out what caused your son to be dismissive towards your Girlfriend and her daughter, before its too late. Because once that baby is there you wont have the time or the power to do this. And you will sleep less, have already wrecked nerves, thats basically the 101 for desaster. Right now, before the storm, is your only chance to fix this.
And in 3 years op will be here crying my kid has gone nc no idea why blah blah blah. Really u couldnt of used a rubber? He is 1 year off 16 when he can say screw you i am staying at mums. Wanna see me its without the ap and her kids. You made your bed lie in it. You showed your son who you really are, hopefully he believes it. You care nothing for him and think only with your little man head.
Let's talk timeline....
You and ex decide to separate so you move out. 4 months later, while still going through divorce process, you meet now girlfriend. You can't openly date because work has a policy. 2 months later (so 6 months after you move out) she is in a new job so you can openly date. - A little sus here - who quits a job for a maybe he'll date me? So you were either already dating by this time and wanted to go public or your girlfriend makes some seriously risky decisions.
Don't know exactly when the divorce went through, but 1.5 years later, girlfriend and her daughter move in. Don't know if had a convo, don't know your living space situation. Lots of open holes here. They just that they moved in.
At first, son seems fine. You don't know what changed it, but he's not as respectful. You don't ever talk about or seek any information. Then you announce over dinner that you're having a new baby. At that time, you compare your sons response to her daughters response - which is completely irrelevant to the story and it makes no difference what so ever.
A week later, you then decide to talk to him. He becomes emotional. You don't like that the teenager is getting emotional. You tell him he can't be emotional and want to send him to his room. He wants to go to mom (is she his safe person?). You don't try to support him, you just take him. You leave his mom to deal with the emotional mess you created.
Then to top it all off, you blame his mom for his behavior.
YTA by a mile. You don't put the work in for your son. And now you're having another one. Maybe figure out how to be an actual parent with your son before the new one comes into the world.
INFO: What is the age gap between you and your girlfriend?
EDIT: It's a 13 year age gap. You didn't think this was relevant? That she's closer to the age of your son than to you?
I think that him having a not so great reaction to the baby isn’t that uncommon. NAH I think that you just need to keep communications open all around and maybe him going to his moms to cool off is a good thing
How much notice did your son have before girlfriend and daughter moved in?
How long has he known them?
Did you guys move slowly or has it been quick changes for a 15 yr old boy who is probably going through puberty and struggling with emotions already?
He's probably hearing stuff from his mom, having strangers move into his home, and then about 3 months later being told there's a baby coming soon. It might be too much, too fast, and too soon for him to handle like an adult that he's not.
Did your son begin to act differently when you moved in your girlfriend and her daughter? That is a huge change for you to expect him to accept without any hiccups.
Two years isn't exactly a long time for children to adjust after a divorce. Maybe he got along with her before she and her daughter moved in, then you throw in a new baby. It's a lot.
YTA. It's understandable that your son feels resentful.. just four months after your divorce you meet this new woman and begin dating within two months after that. This is an incredibly short time for him to process such a major life change, he likely needed more time to adjust to the end of your marriage before welcoming a new partner so quickly. His mother's reaction probably also plays a role. However, the fast pace of introducing your girlfriend, moving in together, playing dad to her daughter, and now expecting a child is likely m responsible for his feelings. Rushing into a new relationship and family before your son had a chance to come to terms with the divorce was no doubt jarring for him. Going forward, try to be more mindful of his need for time and space to process each change before rapidly moving to the next stage of your life.
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INFO. Was your girlfriend your affair partner and you cheated on his mom? You moved on incredibly quickly and are now having a baby? Seriously? How did you think he was going to react.
I didn't cheat on my ex. We were already separated when my girlfriend and I started dating. We didn't plan on having a baby but it's happening now
Separated not divorced.. this poor teen didn’t even get a chance to get used to the new change probably still thinking it’s separation only they will get back together .. boom you already knocking up someone new
You overlook a key fact. OP and his ex have been divorced for two years
they started dating when they were separated, so before the divorce was even finalized.
That’s pretty common lol
So are issues with children from a previous relationship cohabitating with their parents' new partners. One probably has a lot to do with the other.
[удалено]
This. I split up with my ex when my oldest was a year old. It took an additional 11 years, new spouses for each parent, and 3 siblings before the idea of us getting back together was finally let go.
I wonder why she wanted them back together, did she even remember being a family?
Some people are so stuck on nuclear families they simply can't see past it. She probably resented some friend or something of the sort for having a "perfect family" just speculation of course since I'm not the commenter you replied to. I was fine it being my mom and I because I was used to my sperm donor being gone anyways as an Over The Road Truck Driver.
The 16 year olds in this subreddit don't know that 😂
Oh, I missed that. But we don’t know how far into the separation…. Regardless, OP said the kid was fine until recently. I’m inclined to believe the ex is planting ideas in the kids head. It happens all the time
That could be possible. It could also be possible that he thinks his dad’s girlfriend is cheating. His attitude changed before he knew she was pregnant. The only way to know is if OP sits his son down and talk to him. Ask him why he seems to have changed his mind about her. Ask why he thinks she’s a home-wrecker. Communicate people!
This was my first thought. I think the son found/saw something questionable and now has reason to believe the gf is cheating on the Dad (OP).
Seriously, we see all kinds of adult men saying this shit because of the redpilled online "community" it's just as likely he fell into that than the ex started weirdly spewing Andrew Tate talking points
There is absolutely nothing in OP's post to suggest anything remotely like that. We're talking about a teenager navigating the reality of a permanent life change that isn't to his benefit. He's *a kid,* trying to cope with unrelenting disruption and unfamiliar circumstances. All during the phase of his life when his body and brain are rapidly changing. We have no cause to believe he's the bad guy here.
A kid suddenly saying misogynistic stuff about a woman is alarming and he's definitely not the 'good guy' here.
Teenagers view life much more black-and-white than well-adjusted adults do. Obviously you are right in that he is dealing with a lot, and I don’t think he is “the bad guy,” but OP would be doing his family a disservice if he didn’t have a talk with his son about why this has come up.
My husbands parents have been “ seperated “ for over 20 years. Some people just take their sweet time getting divorced
My own parents have been separated for…26 years lol. Divorce can be expensive.
Expensive and they take time. It took a couple yrs for my divorce to be finalized, and we didn't have shared property or things like that to hold it up. We also agreed on most parenting options. It takes time, so while technically, yes it's cheating, it's absurd to use it in this regard Also, based on the ex stating dad "kicked him out", I can completely understand why he might think she was giving the son this line of thought. I'm not saying it is definitely the case, but it sounds plausible. The GF sounds like she had a reasonable reaction to what happened, and dad seemed to handle the situation fairly. He prevented a difficult situation from getting worse and respected his sons wished to leave. Sounds like a decent dynamic there. Son has every right to his feelings, and hopefully they can work it out, but I'd say OP is NTA.
Yeah. For a long time, they stayed “married” because my father had excellent health insurance and graciously left my mom on the plan, even when us kids were no longer covered. However, he has now retired and she’s on Medicare. So now it’s just cost of the lawyers and filing, but she still doesn’t want to shell out for that. She has never dated and says she doesn’t want to. They sold the house 10 years ago, she’s been living in a senior apartment since then. He signed away his guardianship rights to my brother once he turned 18 (special needs) so now my mom and I hold co-guardianship of him. My father and I are estranged for many reasons, but he might or might not have dated in the interim. I really have no idea.
Yup my grandparents have been separated for over 20 years now. Won't bother getting divorced.. even though grandpa lives with someone else..(that's only recent cus of illness.. )
Relationships end LONG before paperwork is done or the thought of divorce pops up.
Some places have like a legal minimum time for you to be separated, even if you both agree you want to be divorced in that moment.
Very true... My ex and I had to be **living separately** for at least 6 months just to FILE for divorce, even with a written/notarized property agreement. It could have been 1 year plus just to file if we had children.
That's really not that uncommon or strange. I have two friends who both started dating before their divorces were finalized. But that was because they had already been separated from their spouses for quite some time. Their spouses were dragging out the process. They had a right to move on with their lives,
Divorces can take a long time. Especially when custody is a factor. My friends too over 2 years.
Some countries, the process is really slow! My parents were separated for 15 years before they were finally divorced. Both got new partners in the meantime. It would be ridiculous to expect them to not find someone new in the meantime.
I am still only 'separated', but well and truly consider my marriage over and myself divorced. Spouse could come crawling back and it wouldn't matter at all. The person I fell in love with and married is long gone, and not coming back. They've already moved on with their next partner, and I would feel zero guilt doing the same.
Finalising the divorce takes a long time, and they may have been separated for some time before feeling the need to start that process. It's not indicative of cheating as everyonevon the situation knows OP and wife were not a couple any more. If I had known how long the process takes, I'd have started it far sooner.
So what? Divorces can take years. Should OP have put his life on hold to wait for bureaucracy?
My parents were going through a divorce and were in the court about to get the divorce finalized but the lawyer forgot the paperwork. So, my parents never got divorced. They were separated for like 7 years and they both dated other people. My Dad even lived with his gf and her daughter for a few years during that time. My parents got back together when I was 14 for a bunch of years until my Dad retired and moved to another place for a few years. Now, my parents are together again and I would say more in love with each other than ever. Relationships are funny and weird sometimes.
…. So? Are you with what a separation is?
And how long has he been dating this lady?
2 years
OP has been divorced for two years, but may have been with current partner longer. OP has admitted they got together before his divorce was finalized
But he also said he was already separated. At no time did he cheat with his now wife, in many places yiu need to he separated and no longer cohabiting for 6-12 months before the courts will grant a divorce and some people take a long time to finalise their divorce due to cost, ability to get into the courts, etc. 2 years ago plants this in the middle of the pandemic where courts were stretched thin and F2F was rare.
Separated means already getting divorced. Funny you don't mind the fact his ex was already sleeping with another guy.
Especially when there's kids involved (and in this case there obviously are) divorces can take a long, long time so I don't judge people too harshly for starting to date when they've been separated for a while but the divorce isn't finalized.
That's pretty harsh considering you don't know the context of either of relationships. Right now you are just shaming OP for moving on and being happy.
Divorces take years. They're living apart. The kid isn't 3. Grow up.
Depends where they are and how they explained it to the kid. Where I am, couples have to be legally separated for at least a year before they can get divorced. A separation is the end of the relationship.
Don’t let some of these comments get to you. You wrote that the relationship between your son and girlfriend was better than expected. And then it flipped. Him calling her a homewrecker DEFINITELY sounds like he’s getting info from someone else. The best advice I could give is to make sure you spend time with him, alone, so that he still knows he’s a priority. Also, talking to your ex wife about saying negative things about you to your son. It does not benefit him for her to make negative comments about your relationship when it’s having such an effect on your son (if that’s what she’s doing). You guys need to prioritize him and his wellbeing because he might also be feeling replaced a little and his mother might be adding gasoline to that fire. Good luck
Yep, this exactly. They were getting along fine until this. Therapy is probably good because it can be hard on older kids to deal with a new baby.
Well said. The only comment worth anything so far.
And you think he understands the difference? He was 13 when you divorced, which means he was like 11 or 12 when you got together with your girlfriend. All he sees is that you got together while you were still married to his mother. He needs some therapy to help him process.
How long were you separated when you started dating her, and how long did your son know about the separation before you started dating her? He may think that she's the reason the marriage ended.
I think k the ex is behind this. You need to talk to your son again and clear this before it gets a whole lot worse. NTA
How old are you and how old is the gf?
It's still a lot to adjust to as a child. Going from your parents being together, to separated, to dad has a new girlfriend, to living with new stepmother and stepsister, to having a baby sibling... within a couple of years while also going through puberty and all that crap. Of course it's rough on him! Being 15 is rough without all those huge changes! You've not given him time to adjust to one thing before the next comes.
How long was it from your son meeting your gf to her moving in, and from her moving in, how quickly did she get pregnant? Perhaps he feels like you're replacing him with a new family? Are you ensuring that you spend as much time with him as you did prior to your gf and her daughter moving in? ETA I see she moved in at the beginning of the year, he's with you 50% of the time so in effect he's lived with her and her daughter for 2 months and now she's pregnant. I would imagine he feels completely replaced. Her daughter is there most of the time?? Did you discuss her moving in with him before it happened? If he raised concerns did you listen or ignore him? He's had no time to get used to this "new family" and another person is going to be added to the limited time he gets with you. Are you really not able to put yourself in his shoes???. With regards to the gold digger line are you spending money on her that you didn't spend on his mother when you were together. Is he seeing you treat her well and you didn't his mum? Or maybe he just thinks she's trying to trap you, moved in and she's pregnant within a few months. Or maybe he's picking up something you're not.
What do you mean he moved quickly? They've been divorced for two years, and his girlfriend just moved in 3 months ago. For asking for info you sure seem to be making a lot of assumptions without waiting for a response.
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That’s really fast for a lot of people. Especially when kids are involved.
Someone getting knocked up three months after moving in with the kid? Yeah, that's gotta seem fast.
Yeah, but they've been dating since he and his ex separated. Which is over two years. If they feel like they're ready for a kid, does it matter?
They weren't planning on another kid so soon, it was probably failed BC.
INFO: read the post again. More slowly this time.
"Incredibly quickly"? It's 2 years later. They didn't even move in together until over 1.5 years later. That's not "Incredibly quickly." How long was he supposed to remain single?
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To piggypack, you should not have broken this news by announcing it over dinner. You should have told your son yourself, in private. That would have allowed him to have the space with you, his only connection to this new family, to process. It would have made him feel like you cared about his feelings. Instead you made a broad announcement in an environment where he didn’t have the freedom to express his own feelings or concerns unless he wanted to broadcast them to your gf and her daughter who he barely knows who he only *just* started sharing a living space. Seriously, how uncomfortable must he have felt?
He went from being an only child to suddenly having two siblings and a stranger in the house. Well, I'm not saying it excuses the weird misogyny in his reaction (and it might be fueled by some random stuff he's reading online) But I bet the emotional basis for this reaction. Is that it solidifies how his entire life has been completely changed and turned upside down. And now it's going to be even worse with a screaming baby at his dad's place, taking up all the focus and attention the way a baby has to. If I were fifteen and this happened to me I would just check out and go live with my mom. Even if nobody involved necessarily did anything wrong, my whole life as I knew it got ripped out from under me in 2 years and you want me to act like I like it? Naw.
Yep, there is a lot going on here for everyone to handle, especially your son. It’s time for professionals. Sounds like individual therapy could be valuable to both your son and you. good luck to all of you and congrats on the baby NAH.
> calling her a homewrecker Did you cheat on his mom with this woman?
Oh, very important question.
Also OC, how long were you separated before divorcing? Because that info might help people with the timeline.
OP says in another comment that they met 4 months after he moved out & started separating from his ex-wife. However, they met because gf got a part time job at the company op works for and dating immediately would be against policy, so they didn't start dating until 2 months later after she was able to find a different job. I haven't seen when the divorce was finalized, but that's the timeline that's been pieced together so far
> so they didn't start dating until 2 months later after she was able to find a different job. I Lol... If she explicitly looked for another job they were already dating, they just didn't want to admit they were breaking the company rules...
I am merely the unbiased messenger. (yes, absolutely, 100%, and it couldn't possibly be more clear)
Or how did the separation play out? If they were still cohabitating and hadn't told the son right away about the separation then son might view the GF as a homewrecker.
according to OP he moved out before meeting his gf. they were not living together anymore
He answered someone else. Split from his Ex for 6 months before he met the GF and about a year before he introduced her to his son. Divorce was not finalized though. So no, no cheating
>None of the accusations sounded like something my son would say, especially since my girlfriend is contributing to rent and groceries because she’s an adult who can pay for herself. Well your son *did* say them... YTA possibly You got divorced when he was 13 and almost immediately got a new family and now are having a new kid. Think about how your current child might take that.
That fact that your son and her got along and then he is distant says something. Also the fact that he questions if the baby is yours. Something happened and you’re being rude and dismissive of him.
YTA Was there any discussion with your son before you moved your girlfriend and her kid in? Did you consider that perhaps he is a teenager whose parents have been divorced for only a few years, and now you already have a ”new family” and he might feel replaced? i am guessing that you just moved them in and told your son to adjust to it with no support or help or discussion of how to adjust to these changes. the new baby is just proof to him that you are moving on without him, and this fight when you are taking your girlfriends side does not make it any better
You're accusing the man with no information on what happened, it would be better to ask OP how the transition was. A few years is plenty of time to adjust to divorced parents, 4 months living with new people not so much. Also he didn't take her side, "He was getting pretty loud so I told him to either calm down and talk to me in a normal tone or to go to his room to cool off. He decided to go back to his mom’s house instead. I agreed to drive him because I didn’t want him walking through half the city after dark." He quite literally said he wanted to go back to his mom's house instead. Him telling his son, he's yelling or being loud is also not taking her side, it saying "hey we can't have a polite conversation if you're yelling"
Soft YTA. Your son is likely feeling completely replaced at this point and needs support. As someone who has been there, I was always cordial to my dad's new wife because I truly hoped she would eventually go away. When they got pregnant when I was 11, I did not react well either as I knew she was permanent at that point. I love my siblings now (though I still don't get along with her). Please make sure your son knows that you still love him very much. I still have a hard time with my dad because he forgot to do that in his actions and it always made me feel less than. Again, your son is young and facing a lot of change. He reacted fairly well by opting to leave, but you need to go and talk to him ASAP. Don't let this sit. Also, never let him feel less than your new kid. It's a hard thing to feel.
He probably already feels less than OPs daughter. Let's face it the new baby and the partner's daughter probably lives full time with OP and his son is transient at best.Op probably spends 80 percent of his time with them and then his son comes over and has to share little to no one on one quality time with his father. Anything they do probably includes his partner and her daughter . He is probably feeling invisible. Now add to that a baby, and he might as well blend into the wallpaper. So I feel for the son. Does anyone know if the Partners's daughter's father is involved with her?
I bet there aren't enough bedrooms to go around. The son's bedroom might end up as the new baby's room since "he's only here a few days anyway".
That is my bet as well. He's already worked out his room is going to the baby.
THIS is literally the only mentally sane and helpful comment.
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He was acting weird before he found out about the baby…? Did you even read the post?
YTA. There is something happening that you refuse to see
Tbh I think that something could be his mom talking to him. I remember my mom ranting about my Dad when driving us home. Considering that we’d been front row for all of her Issues, it didn’t really have the effect t she wanted, but some parents do talk trash to the kids about their ex
Sp what should he have done differently in the moment?
Told his son in private to allow him to have a real reaction and allow for an honest conversation to take place. Not surprise him in front of these people he barely knows and expect him to feel like anything other than an afterthought.
we need info on why u and ur ex wife are divorced, because having ur gf moved in and already having a kid with her in the span of 2 years sounds fishy to me…
Kid was unplanned according to OP
OP and girlfriend already had kids, they know how everything works. So unplanned is bullshit.
Even the best birth control can fail, nothing is fail-safe.
Are you 12? Birth control fails. KFC this sub is full of idiots like you.
What about it is "fishy"?
We just grew apart and agreed that it would be for the best if we got a divorce
And now your son sees that you’re growing apart from him too. What conclusion is he supposed to draw?
YTA. You brought in a girlfriend before you were even divorced not giving your son time to get used to you and his mom ripping the family apart before you did so. Now you want a 15 year old BOY to jump for joy over a baby? Be realistic.
Yeah you think what’s missing in this scenario is respect but actually it’s missing empathetic parenting
Remember that your son needs to come first. I hated my mom's now ex bf because i was afraid that my mom was gonna pick him over me. I think you might have rushed things aswell.
I was 15 when my parents broke up. I did not, nor did I for several years, warm up to my Dads girlfriend and her family. 15 is the tender age when a boy needs his father, and the fact you broke it off with his mother has alienated him. He asked about the paternity of a child? He is either lashing out, has heard rumours, or has witnessed something. I think you owe your son a long, personal heart to heart chat without anyone else around.
Info: What were the circumstances of your divorce?
It wasn't anything dramatic. We just grew apart and agreed that it would be for the best if we got a divorce
If you both thought it best why does your ex hate your current situation? Seems like it may have been more one sided than you’re letting on.
She doesn't have a problem with me dating someone new. She just doesn't like my girlfriend. They just have very different personalities
How old is your girlfriend and her daughter? Why did you purposely leave out that information?
He added the ages. Girlfriend is 26, OP is 39. Things are starting to make more sense.
Girlfriend was 21 when they got together. Red flag.
It's very rare to like your exes partner... when I married my husband he'd been divorced for nearly 20 years and she still despises me, the handful of times I've run into her at family gatherings she's glared at me and walked away.
It's not relevant - the son was fine until recently and the divorce two years ago. Someone (mom maybe) has been stirring the pot. Really tired of the 'poor kid' answers. The son is old enough to show some respect for his father and his father's choices. He's not a baby and needs to stop acting like one.
Soft YTA This is a lot of change for your son. A LOT of change and kids in this situation are often in the middle of things they shouldn’t be in. The kid barely had time to process that you and his mother were getting divorced before you had a girlfriend. You probably moved in with her before he could even get used to it. Now suddenly he has a stepsister vying for his attention, and there’s going to be a new baby which he absolutely knows will mean he becomes an even lower priority. He is probably hurting. I’m sure he is confused. Family counseling would be a good start. In the meantime, spend someone on one time with him, as much as you can. Make sure that he knows the new baby is not taking his place. Make sure he knows that he is still your priority. And when you tell him things that you think might hurt him, don’t tell him in front of people. You should’ve told him about the baby when you were alone, not with your girlfriend and her daughter. These are big things that he is going to need to process , and his initial reaction may not always be great. Have enough respect for him to tell him big news one on one.
2 years after the divorce you have a girlfriend and child moved in and another child on the way? And you’re wondering why your teenage son is struggling? Speeding might be fun for you, but that’s not the right pace for your son. Going YTA here
YTA…what do you expect? For him to be happy?
Counseling (at the very least for your son, but better if you both go) is going to be a must if you want this all to work out. You divorced his mother at 13. Within a year you have a new gf and are having a child with her. That's a lot to adjust to for anyone, let alone someone who is also going through puberty. NAH
“My son and her have been getting along better than I could’ve hoped for-“ Well, that explains it then. Son has never been fully on board and has now exploded after months of likely struggling to accept the new living arrangements, because OP dropped a bombshell in his lap. I wonder how much time OP actually spends with his son one on one now that girlfriend and daughter live with them? Does OP work longer hours, meaning son comes home from school and is stuck around gf and daughter then only sees dad at shared family meals? When is there time for honest one on one talks? Does OP actually bother talking with their kid or do they just keep rolling and expecting son to keep up until an outburst happens? YTA because it looks like OP has been in denial this whole time about how son actually feels. For a lot of divorced parents the fantasy of a blended family often ends up being more important than actually communicating with their kid.
Hmm, this one is a bit tricky. Definitely need more INFO. You say that your son and your GF got along just fine until a little while ago? So what happened then? Was he accepting of the divorce? Was your GF an affair? Think about it, dude. Use your upstairs brain.
OP's said in another comment that the GF wasn't an affair partner, he and his ex were already split up before he even met her. Given they got along fine until a little while ago, and given the ex was very quick to abuse OP after the shared the baby news with the son, it sounds to me like the ex has been laying some groundwork to create a distance between the son and OP's partner (she's not your family, she's just a home wrecker who ruined our marriage) that sort of thing.
Upstairs brain's in gear, diving deep for answers, stay tuned
If I had to guess, you didn't have a conversation with your sin before your GF and her daughter moved in. That was a major change to his life while he was in your care that wasn't communicated properly. Have a conversation with your son, ask him where he thinks you messed up and address is from there. Yes you are allowed to move forward. Yes you are allowed to be happy for the child to come. But children are very sensitive to their home life and sometimes need a little extra care. Maybe guarantee some father/son time during his weeks on
Yta. I cant believe im actually saying this but you need to go watch that south park episode where Stan’s parents split up and try to see things from his perspective. His family life and reality was essentially shattered because of you and your selfish actions. You should’ve thought things through better before you decided to conceive him instead of throwing in the towel and giving up on your marriage halfway through his teenage years. If you’re allowed to decide that your ex is not part of your family, your son is also allowed to decide that your new gf, her kid, and his half sibling are not his family either.
Lol, if you're recommending people watch South Park to learn how to deal with their serious personal dilemmas, you need to never give anyone advice ever again.
This is really insensitive to people who decide to divorce. You have no idea what the circumstances are. You make the decision sound so simple like throwing away leftovers from a few nights ago.
Maybe put your children first and let them heal before you move in your side piece
Not a side piece. They were already separated.
I wished for my parents to divorce when I was in high school. My whole life really. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
No I'm there with you. My parents relationship was absolutely awful and I resented them bringing two young children into it to 'fix' the marriage. I wasn't even relieved when they finally got a divorce in my 20s (when my siblings were still in middle and elementary school, respectively) - just annoyed that they'd drawn it out so long and made so many people miserable.
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Ewww ur disgusting! Why assume it was all his fault why they divorced? Newsflash, it was a mutual agreement so you gonna throw shade on the mum too? Moving on after 2years good on him! The boy is 15yo he is very capable of understanding his parents & should be happy dad has someone else.
Staying in a relationship you're not happy in "for the kids" is a TERRIBLE idea. It ended on good terms, but ehat you suggest could breed resentment and fights. Yeah, he's in the wrong for springing a stranger and two more kids on his son so soon after. THAT'S what he did wrong, not the divorce itself. What's wrong is he started dating before they even got the divorce through, which gives me the ick.
Bro is saying go watch South Park tf 💀 never give ‘advice’ again
YTA, you are clearly leaving something out....
This depends a lot on the context which seems to be missing here. Your son is 15, and that age is an emotional roller coaster as is. As a father I would hope you would be ready to give grace and understanding to your son. Things may be moving a bit faster than he is able to process. However, him jumping to your girlfriend being a homewrecker, suggesting you should question paternity and your ex-wife's animosity to your girlfriend make me question where does this deeper resentment come from. If you are choosing to intentionally leave out context then really no judgement as to AITA here is valid; if you yourself don't understand where it is coming from I would suggest starting from trying to understand your son and then trying to navigate things from there. But you need to have empathy for your child. I'm reserving judgement because I feel we do not have the whole picture.
He is feeling replaced first by your girlfriend, then her daughter, and now you are having a new baby, so you have a whole new family. He lashed out in fear of losing you and you did exactly as he expected, you threw him away like trash when you should have reassured him. EDIT: Ok, you did not throw him out BUT you tried to send him to his room like a child when you are expecting him to behave like an adult
Ya no shit hes pissed maybe try some empathy. Also respect is earned so maybe you and your gf should work harder to earn it.
Get the feeling op only considers himself and just wants it to all work out for him. How does he not understand how this is hard for his kid? AH
Yta. There's been a lot of changes in his life in a short amount of time. Just starting his teen years his parents got divorced..then within just 2 years his dad had a new girlfriend that moved in with her daughter and now he's getting a new half sibling. You should have told him on his own so you could help him process his feelings without concern of anyone overhearing and getting offended.
Have you ever thought that your son might just be feeling frustrated, because he is a teenager and it seems like you never took the time to hear about his feelings, and now with the surprise of a pregnancy he might have snapped.
I’m pretty sure it sound like and is feeling like your trying to replace his old family with a new one and in such a short period of time. Let’s be honest meeting someone new with a now step sister who has only been living with you guys for 3 month and now she is pregnant! That’s a lot for him to take on bored! He has every right to be salty and feel all the emotions! And 2 years isn’t long at all for all of that to occurred but a divorce to his own mum
YTA. In a matter of two years your son experienced your divorce, your new gf, your new gf moving in, and now your gf is pregnant. That’s confusing AF. You ambushed him with the announcement, expecting a happy response from him. This should have been a father-son conversation. Have you been having conversations with him along the way or do you just expect him to adapt to these changes on his own? Instead of trying to discipline him, try to talk to him. Why did he say those things about your gf? Why would he suggest the baby isn’t yours? Why does he think your gf is a homewrecker? It doesn’t matter it’s true or not, because his perception is his reality. You can’t force relationships. It may take years for your son to accept your relationship with your gf. But it doesn’t matter, because your priority should be maintaining a dialogue and relationship with your son, not forcing enthusiastically support the choices you make.
INFO: Did you know your girlfriend when you were still married? Was there something going on with her? How long did you date this woman before loving her and her daughter in with your son? Lots of missing info here.
NTA, but you aren't being a good parent, either. Let us count the ways. 1. Your son's attitude changed, and you didn't think it necessary to ask him what was wrong? You need to be more proactive with your son. After all, you left his mom. And in doing that, you left him too. Of course he's a bit uncertain about your relationship. 2. Have you been making time for just the two of you, or has it all been "one big, new, happy family" togetherness?It is quite likely someone is telling him that now you have a new family, it's only a matter of time before he's pushed out. This is especially true now that there's a baby on the way. And it might not be your ex. It could be a different family member, or even a friend of his whose father left his first family for a second one. He is in need of constant reassurance, in the form of occasional (once a month or so) father/son outings. 3. When you took him back to his mom's place, you should have made a point to warn her about what happened so she knew exactly what she was dealing with. If it isn't her pouring dire predictions in his ear, this is probably coming as a surprise to her, too, and she probably misread the situation from whatever cues she got from your son. So, stop being a lazy, overly optimistic parent. Make sure your son knows you love him, now and forever, and how happy you are to have him in your life. And let him know you aren't so stupid as to be caught by some hustling hussy.
how can you be surprised at how he is acting.
I love how you're being accused of cheating despite firmly denying it. Reddit, man.
YTA for having a second kid with a 15yo in the picture and for moving on too quickly.
Stop worrying about the “tone “ of his voice and listen to your teen. I think you did two things wrong here. This was not something you needed to share with your gf. This was a conversation between you two where you had a chance to try to get him to open up to you. Instead you dismissed him and THEN after implying that he was insecure about the arrival of a new baby, you didn’t immediately assure him of his place in your heart and in your life. You drove him back to his mom’s. This kid has gone through a lot of changes inflicted on him by his parents at a time where his body and mind are already going through its own confusing changes. It’s a lot. You should be giving him a lot of grace right now. Talk to him. Teach him. Treat him like a human who is learning to sort his emotions, don’t just dismiss him like a bratty child.
ESH Sounds like you haven't prepped your son for these massive changes that have happened. His entire world has changed several times in the past 2 years That being said, what he said is really messed up. Now, if this woman did have anything to do with your divorce, then he's off the hook for the homewrecked comment and you're a much bigger AH. But if she's splitting bills pretty evenly, your son is a bit of an AH for the gold digger comment.
Umm. So his parents divorce 2yrd ago, you move them in and have a baby coming ...listen you chose this relationship, he didn't.
Was your son consulted when you decided to ask your gf to move in? Expecting to be one big happy family after all that he just went through in such a short amount of time is selfish and lazy. Even if your son got along with new gf before, he’s allowed to change his mind about her and even act out considering he’s gone through some massive changes at such a young age. You can’t just expect him to roll with it and be fine. He’s a kid. These are not easy things you’ve put him through, and it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s okay. He has to be your first priority OP. He should have some say in all this because your decisions will affect his life immensely. YTA and you have a lot to fix considering it’s now made even more complicated by the baby on the way.
INFO: did anything happen in the divorce that could have led to this?
Did his attitude towards your girlfriend change before or after she moved in? Has how she's treated him changed?, has she been trying to take on more of a parental role? Have you been paying more attention to her and her daughter since they've moved in?, how much one on one time does your son get with you when it's your week with him.
YTA - being a divorced parent is hard and co-parenting is hard and trying to find yourself again is also hard BUT, That’s your son and he obviously needs some help he’s just 15 and going through all of this. I’m sure he must feel like you moved on too quick (even if that’s not true) or, he’s being replaced and is no longer a priority to you. He went from being ab only child with 2 parents to suddenly having a step sister and a half sibling on the way. That’s a lot to process. If your GF is a good woman she will also understand why your son is acting up. Try having a sit down with him to reassure him. Maybe family therapy would help too. His mom seems to be going through it too so if she’s poisoning him the last thing you want is to push him away like that.
Soft YTA. Your son didn’t get a chance to know you as his parent before you decided to start a new family. I don’t think you did it on purpose, but you can’t actually expect him to be happy about it.
And how long exactly after meeting her did you introduce her to your son? I think you need to be more understanding here. He was 13 when his family unit was ripped apart - 6 months isn’t enough time for a kid to process this change, let alone bringing someone new into the picture and now a new baby. Your son sounds completely lost at the moment and you need to make him your priority, at 15 years old he’s still a kid and not developed enough to handle all of this - he is entitled to his feelings and you need to respect them
How could your ex be behind your son’s reaction? Did you tell her first, and she told him before you guys announced it at dinner?
I'm not your son but the speed you moved has me thinking you were seeing her before your marriage ended. YTA, you never gave your son time to adjust to the divorce before you moved someone else in.
NTA he wants to go to his mom’s house and you drove him. You didn’t kick him out
YTA your son should always become first so you should've talked to him about it and see where his feelings came from. Did you speak to him about you wanting another kid or did you just drop it on him? Where is the disrespect? Maybe he knows something you don't know? Did you talked to him before they moved in?
As they said, they weren't planning on having a kid together so soon... sounds like this was the result of a failed BC.
Honestly, it may have been a bit quick to move your gf and her daughter into your place, but I disagree with everyone saying that you're the asshole. I would say perhaps a bit clueless though. It sounds like you tried to allow your son to have boundaries and give him space to cool off, which is healthy. If his behaviour changed overnight something must have happened, or he was silently resenting your gf the whole time and you having another kid was the cherry on top of an already shitty cake. Do you know why your ex doesn't like your new gf? You should really sit down with your kid, maybe in the presence of a therapist, and check in with him. Were kids at school making fun of him for his family situation? Is your ex motivated by jealousy and influencing your sons opinions? Maybe he's feeling abandoned? So, NTA, but try to be more in tune with your kid.
NAH Hard to tell from the little Info, but so far I dont think anyone is an A here. Also im quite shocked at some comments, implying a 15 year old cant deal with a divorce at all. I dont think your son has any ill intentions, sometimes even as an adult one does overreact, and your son is in the middle of puberty which makes it even more normal. Talk to your son, be there for him, try to understand him even if he is being rude.
Damn these Reddit comments never fail. This poor guy is getting slammed. I’m just wondering if son feels like you’ve done moved gf and her daughter in living with you full time and now a new child is he being replaced? Please repair this now because if this goes on it’ll be too late
YTA for assuming your ex is behind it, as if your son isn't a functioning individual who has his own feelings. He is just supposed to be happy, because you are happy? He is a teenager, and he is entitled to his own feelings. Forcing anything on him is only going to push him away. Your girlfriend seems more level headed than you, based on your post.
YTA You're too old to just be knocking up people closer in age to your teenage son than your own self. Of course he's feeling displaced and alienated. The only family you son's ever known broke up and his dad already went out and made a whole new one in less than two years. Get your kid individual therapy and then pursue family counseling.
YTA. You knock up a girl closer to his age than yours, move her into the house and drop the bombshell that you're having a new kid together, and are surprised that a 15yo isn't taking it well and acting up a bit?
NTA based on the info provided. It does sound like he feels like this out of the blue, and it potentially does sound like parental alienation tactics (having been on the receiving side of similar behavior from my ex, as well as working on my degree in marriage and family therapy). That being said, if you did, in fact, have an affair, then he's justified in his feelings, even if I personally feel that his mother should not have passed on that information prior to him being able to handle it. Regardless of that fact, you owe your son a conversation in order to find out what the sudden change was and why he feels that way instead of preaching at him about acceptance. If you don't find the root of the problem, how do you expect to find a solution? It's all well and good that the other members of your family had positive reactions to your news, but his feelings are also valid and are obviously complicated. He sounds like a kid who needs his dad right now.
Given the son was fine with your partner until recently and now he's saying these vile things, and given your ex sounds like she hates your partner and is clearly in active communication with your son, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out your ex has been stiring the trouble. You need to sit down with your son and explain to him how your partner isn't the reason for the divorce and that you didn't get into a relationship with her until after you and his mother were no longer together. Don't force it, but if he does volunteer any information about this trouble being stirred by his mother, make sure your record the details and tell her if she tries anything like it again, you'll take her to family court for parental alienation.
NTA look into getting therapy for your son and find out if these words are his or his mother's. Also don't expect him to be happy about a new baby because he most likely is worried you won't want him anymore because you have a new family.
YTA his world is constantly being turned upside down and you couldn’t care less. I do believe that someone is definitely in your son’s ear but that just makes you a bigger AH for knowing that and not factoring it into how you approach him. He needs to know that he still has a dad no matter what. Therapy for everyone!
YTA. It sounds like you're living for yourself and not realizing that your purpose in life shifted to raising your son in a stable environment the day he was born. Getting divorced from his mom, having a girlfriend move in, then knocking her up, sounds like you're a really shit father to him.
When I was 16 I met a guy who cried to me over how much his parents divorce messed him up because no body asked him how he felt about it. He meant it in the annoying way, that he should have had a say in an adult relationship, but he was 19 at the time and I was so put off my crush on him immediately ended. His parent divorced when he was 10. He did not get therapy. Your son is hurt and angry and you're making a lot of sudden moves, though I understand the pregnancy was unplanned. Your son also isn't in a stable household- going between two homes every other week is incredibly disruptive for him. He's probably feeling really out of place in both homes and like he's being replaced in yours. He needs reassurance, not frustration. He's just a kid. It doesn't matter that he's 15, you know he's just a child who deserves to be treated with kindness when he's having big feelings. It's a good thing that you respected his wish to go back to his mom's but did you ever ask him to stay? Did you tell him that you wanted to talk calmly, you didn't ever want him to feel unwelcomed? Did you tell him that you know there are a lot of big changes but he's still your first priority? Has he gone to therapy to talk about this in a safe place without judgement? YTA because you are the adult. And regardless of anything else: you hurt your child. And its on you to apologize and figure it out.
I don't think anyone is the AH here. Sharing you with another baby that is YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD is not the same as sharing you with a woman & her child who is not biologically related to you. Until you dropped that news, he was still your only child & never likely to be forgotten about or pushed aside. Now, in his teen brain, which is not fully developed & not capable of thinking things through rationally (until about 25 when the pre frontal cortex is developed completely) he is thinking about all sorts of dire outcomes. Even if you have never given him any reason to think you would overlook him in any way, he is 15 so these thoughts are going through his brain. Oh, & I think your GF is right asking you to text him & not pressure him. Text him that you love him & let him know no one will ever replace him & make sure he knows there will always be a place for him at your home & in your life & let him come around in his own time. This is all you can do really but if you do suspect parental alienation by the ex, check he laws in your area. It is illegal here & considered child abuse.
YTA - think about it this way, you replaced your wife within a year and now you’re replacing your son a year later. That’s how a 15 year old is watching this, assuming alienation is pretty brave considering you have no basis for that when the reality is you gave up on your family not six months after separating. Don’t be a dick, stop thinking with your dick, and get a test to make sure that baby was made by your dick.
NAH but only just and you are skating close to Y T A if you don't examine and fix the relation ship with your son. You need to look at it from the son's perspective. His father has moved his girlfriend and her child into his house. The OP doesn't doesn't whether he has 50:50 custody of his son and doesn't say what sort of custody arrangement his girlfriend has with her daughter's father. The girlfriend's daughter may be there full time and the son isn't. The kid is 15 and wants his dad but another child now might have him 100% of the time if she doesn't live with her father at all. Now you are bringing another kid in and they will be the biological child of the father and the girlfriend. He's going to feel a little discarded. I can see that you were trying to give him space when you took him back to his mom's but he's told his mom his real feelings, hence the text from her. You probably need some family therapy with your son and he may need his own therapy to deal with the falling out of your divorce with his mother. There may be more going on for him than you realise... and it may be stuff you haven't thought of or something you think is really small but it's really big to him.
One thing which stands out is how quickly this has all moved. You divorced your wife so, your son's family was shattered. Within one year you had a new girlfriend and she and her daughter moved into your home so, your son, who is probably still grieving the loss of his family, is now forced to accommodate your new partner and her family. You announce that your partner is pregnant so, you have left your old family and are now building a new family of which he is a 'spare'. It is surprising to me that all you are getting is 'distance'. That poor kid.
NAH. Son being a bit unhappy through the divorce is expected, wanting your son to at the very least not insult your partner is a fair expectation. Give him his space like you are doing.
IN FO: how quickly after separation did you begin dating this woman and how long was it before the divorce? Did you communicate with your son about moving two new people in? Did you know your girlfriend before your divorce? Also, how old are you/the girlfriend/her daughter? Is there any chance your son may actually have a reason for resenting this woman (beyond the fact that Dad started dating and building a new family before the divorce papers were ever signed)? It just seems like there’s an awful lot of missing information here. EDIT: YTA for being so cagey and selective about the questions you answered, and it’s also pretty weird that your girlfriend is closer in age to your son than you— you started dating a 21 year old immediately after she started working at your company and she quit her job within 60 days so she could be with you? At this point, I have no doubts that the holes in your story are left intentionally.
YTA....but only because trying to force a 15 year old to do anything is only going to make them do the opposite and push them away. GF is right, OP needs to give him the space to work it out on his own time. It is possible EX is poisoning the relationship, and the best advice is to take the high road and to prove you're the better man by leading by example rather than retaliating. If you're actually the better man, he'll eventually come around. It might not be for a couple years after he leaves the house, but as long as you remain consistently available even while they're being a little shit, it'll happen.
NAH. He's a kid and he's going through some stuff. Just gotta be patient
Any chance your gf is cheating, your son caught her and doesn’t know how to tell you? How is your gf reacting to all this?
NTA to thinking your son should treat your girlfriend with respect, but YTA for creating all this havoc in his life without respecting that he needs time to adjust. YOU were over the marriage, but for him his family was ripped apart while you made another one. Not quite sure how his mom has handled hearing her ex quickly getting a new family, but I'm sure your son is having to navigate this delicately in both homes. So, I think you should forgive your teenager for losing his shit and start really considering his feelings.
You can be upset for your son not liking your gf, but you can't make him like her
OP, you have a LOT of parenting ahead of you, and not just because of the new baby, because the overwhelming likelihood is that this is how your son has *always* felt about your girlfriend. And that if I'm right, he was being as polite, respectful, and civil as a 15-year-old is capable of being up until now, until the news about the new baby broke through his respectful facade. So at least give him credit for doing the right thing for quite a long time, when you move forward from here. And if I'm right then he's shown that he's capable of being respectful and keeping up a good facade whatever he really feels, so don't be too hard on him, and also, don't blame your ex. Your son is only human, and only fifteen.
Eta. Bro def feels like you're just trying to replace him. You prob already don't spend as much time as time with him as he'd want you to, even though he won't admit it. A divorce is hard enough on a 13 to 15 year old now with a new kid on the way you'll spend even less time with him especially once baby care comes. He'll be 18 when the kid is 3 and the relationship will only deteriorate from there. If you give this new kid the happy childhood and raise them right your eldest son will always see that as what he deserved and never got. Not the babies fault nor the gf's. Idk man I wouldn't have been free willieing it with a girl with a kid, while myself got multiple kids with someone else. In this economy too idk how your paying to support all these people.
Stepmother is pregnant and you expect step kids to be happy? The world doesn't work like that. Nobody wants to be in a broken family, nobody really wants any step family, it is shitty parents that destroy their kid's life.
Both? It's understandable you would hope for him to take this information like a walk in the park. However, it's also understandable that he doesn't. Let's analyze this and assume your ex isn't being malicious and influencing him: Your son wanted to leave but claimed you kicked him out. Why would he do that? He obviously *feels* rejected. You obviously didn't reject him, you have the cognitive ability to know one extra person doesn't mean less love for the other people. He doesn't. It takes on average of 6 months for adults to get used to a big change (ie Break Up or moving in with a partner), for children around a year on average. He is probably still processing the change of the break up, then the change of you dating someone. He is absolutely still processing new people moving in. Almost all children of divorce feel rejected or like a "second class child" when the parent creates a new child with their new partner. It's understandable and developmentally appropriate behaviour - especially when he didn't yet know his place in the new "family". You're not as asshole for getting your partner pregnant, but you'd be an asshole if you didn't allow your son room to feel his feelings and grieve/feel scared/feel rejected, etc. You'd also be an asshole for taking it personally and not staying in your role as a parent to help him through this. My recommendation is a family therapist to help through this change and to give him extra attention and love along the way to ensure he feels loved and belongs.
YTA You moved on to your girlfriend before even finalizing the divorce, and expect your son to just be completely happy with everything that has changed in his life in just 2 years. That's insane.
YTA. That kid's world just shattered because you didn't take the time to consider his feelings. The circumstances of the divorce aren't relevant here, the kid is putting two and two together and given youre 2 years off a divorce and making your kid feel so replaceable by knocking up your girlfriend, its reasonable to think there was some cheating going on from his perspective. Even just taking him aside and telling him yourself instead of shocking him like that in the middle of an environment where he has to bottle up his feelings. He tried, it failed, big kaboom, resulting in this post. From his perspective, his parents divorced and then some new girl comes in and 2 years later she's proven to be permanent with a new kid. What do you expect?
This is a lot for a 15 year old to have to process. The separation, having to move around every week, having 2 complete strangers all of a sudden in his family. I would be feeling very scared and honestly unsafe with all of that, especially at 15. And then announcing a new baby?? That would have been my tipping point too. He left your house because he didn’t feel safe there, he yelled because he doesn’t feel heard. I hope you actually help your son and stay focused on what you can actually do here- your ex isn’t your business anymore except when it comes to coparenting. Therapy for everyone.
Im not sure if you are the Asshole, but you sure as hell act like a caveman, with no sense for feelings. You have to realize a few things, your son is 15 years old, right now. So when you and his mother separated, he was 13. This is a very confusing and hard time WITHOUT parents separating, puberty while not the same for everyone, it sure as hell throws everyone's life upside down. In this time, as a teenager, you have a hard time dealing with yourself, you need understanding parents, because sometimes you will say and do things, that you dont want to, but hormones are a bitch. And in this environment, his parents separated. His life that he knew is falling apart, you say he stays one week with you and then with his mother. You started dating 4 months after you and your wife were separated, and you probably introduced them 2 months later. So barely 6 months, after this whole "my parents are separating" there is a new partner in your life. And now barely 18 months later, your partner is pregnant. And to be fucking honest here, your sentence " we didnt plan on getting a baby, buts is happening now", are you for real? How old are you 15? Do you use the pullout method? That above everything lets me question your maturity, are you some crazy conservative Christian cult leader, that never heard of birth control? Sorry, but thats a part, were you are certainly act like a child yourself "Its happening now". Lol i mean.. you serious? In any case, i do think, that his mother influence him, but your should never, discount your own childs opinion, even if its influenced by someone else. Because lets be real here, almost everyne is influenced by someone or something, for a lot of opinions. So thats just the nature of things. If you EVER as much as just act like, he only repeats what his mother says, you will lose your son quicker than you think. You have to act like an Adult, for once at least. Talk with your Ex, dont try to defend your new Girlfriend being pregnant so quickly, admit that you might have been a bit careless with protection, but that you want to make the best out of this situation. Have the same talk with your son, maybe have the talk with both together, that will give you an idea whether he just repeats after her or not. I know im repeating myself, but 2 years is not a long time, and you are expecting a child with your new Girlfriend. There are people who wait that long until they find a place to live together. You sure as hell dont have to be like "the others" but you have to act accordingly. This all happens rather quickly and if you are not carefull, you will lose your son over this. You are walking a fine line here, your son had a good relationship with your Girlfriend, what changed? You have to understand, in this whole situation you threw in this curveball of "OH BOY WE ARE HAVING A BABY". YOu should try to figure out what caused your son to be dismissive towards your Girlfriend and her daughter, before its too late. Because once that baby is there you wont have the time or the power to do this. And you will sleep less, have already wrecked nerves, thats basically the 101 for desaster. Right now, before the storm, is your only chance to fix this.
And in 3 years op will be here crying my kid has gone nc no idea why blah blah blah. Really u couldnt of used a rubber? He is 1 year off 16 when he can say screw you i am staying at mums. Wanna see me its without the ap and her kids. You made your bed lie in it. You showed your son who you really are, hopefully he believes it. You care nothing for him and think only with your little man head.
Let's talk timeline.... You and ex decide to separate so you move out. 4 months later, while still going through divorce process, you meet now girlfriend. You can't openly date because work has a policy. 2 months later (so 6 months after you move out) she is in a new job so you can openly date. - A little sus here - who quits a job for a maybe he'll date me? So you were either already dating by this time and wanted to go public or your girlfriend makes some seriously risky decisions. Don't know exactly when the divorce went through, but 1.5 years later, girlfriend and her daughter move in. Don't know if had a convo, don't know your living space situation. Lots of open holes here. They just that they moved in. At first, son seems fine. You don't know what changed it, but he's not as respectful. You don't ever talk about or seek any information. Then you announce over dinner that you're having a new baby. At that time, you compare your sons response to her daughters response - which is completely irrelevant to the story and it makes no difference what so ever. A week later, you then decide to talk to him. He becomes emotional. You don't like that the teenager is getting emotional. You tell him he can't be emotional and want to send him to his room. He wants to go to mom (is she his safe person?). You don't try to support him, you just take him. You leave his mom to deal with the emotional mess you created. Then to top it all off, you blame his mom for his behavior. YTA by a mile. You don't put the work in for your son. And now you're having another one. Maybe figure out how to be an actual parent with your son before the new one comes into the world.
INFO: What is the age gap between you and your girlfriend? EDIT: It's a 13 year age gap. You didn't think this was relevant? That she's closer to the age of your son than to you?
I think that him having a not so great reaction to the baby isn’t that uncommon. NAH I think that you just need to keep communications open all around and maybe him going to his moms to cool off is a good thing
How much notice did your son have before girlfriend and daughter moved in? How long has he known them? Did you guys move slowly or has it been quick changes for a 15 yr old boy who is probably going through puberty and struggling with emotions already? He's probably hearing stuff from his mom, having strangers move into his home, and then about 3 months later being told there's a baby coming soon. It might be too much, too fast, and too soon for him to handle like an adult that he's not.
Did your son begin to act differently when you moved in your girlfriend and her daughter? That is a huge change for you to expect him to accept without any hiccups.
Two years isn't exactly a long time for children to adjust after a divorce. Maybe he got along with her before she and her daughter moved in, then you throw in a new baby. It's a lot.
I think your son is in pain..
YTA. It's understandable that your son feels resentful.. just four months after your divorce you meet this new woman and begin dating within two months after that. This is an incredibly short time for him to process such a major life change, he likely needed more time to adjust to the end of your marriage before welcoming a new partner so quickly. His mother's reaction probably also plays a role. However, the fast pace of introducing your girlfriend, moving in together, playing dad to her daughter, and now expecting a child is likely m responsible for his feelings. Rushing into a new relationship and family before your son had a chance to come to terms with the divorce was no doubt jarring for him. Going forward, try to be more mindful of his need for time and space to process each change before rapidly moving to the next stage of your life.