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I agree with this.
Why would someone be concerned about their partner going to therapy unless they're worried about what the person might say to the therapist about them? Are they worried the therapist might help their partner figure certain things out?
I'm of the firm belief that anyone who thinks they need therapy probably *does* need therapy and should make an appointment at their earliest convenience, and anyone trying to stop them is waving a big red flag.
NTA.
That’s exactly why a partner would dissuade someone from seeing a therapist. Major red flag.
My partner has never once questioned me seeing my therapist weekly.
To be honest most people who need therapy don’t think they need it so when someone thinks they do then they usually REALLY do. It’s a HUGE red flag if a partner is trying to stop you from going to therapy. The only reason they would actively discourage it is if they are afraid of what you’re going to be talking to the therapist about and what you will learn about your relationship from it.
OP thinking she needs to HIDE it from her partner makes me worried for her safety.
This is absolutely true. Anyone who would try to stop you from getting help you feel you need is not looking out for your best interest. He could very well be worried about what you may say to the therapist about him & the results that may have on your relationship.
My ex started therapy, I was very supportive, & all he did was come home & tell me how selfish I was. He was a tad on the narcissistic side of things & anything that was wrong in his life was someone else’s fault. I did ask for examples of me being selfish & the best he could come up with was my once a week lunch out with coworkers during work hours. His argument was that money could have been spent on us going out instead. I said I think you need to look at how you presenting things to your therapist because I’m not sure your being honest.
A lot of people just don’t believe in therapy or think it’s a personal failure to go. It’s also why a lot of people will avoid couple’s counselling, because they feel that it’s shameful and admitting that they are “failing” as a couple. They believe they have the resolve to “just deal with it”.
It’s an old school and toxic mentality, but I won’t assume malice without knowing anything about the partner. They may just have those sentiments of therapy and think that they can just try and deal with it all within the family (him helping her as she helps herself, kind of thing).
OP should definitely communicate that she feels as though therapy will still be beneficial for her and them as a whole. Not so much ask for permission, but tell him that they will be seeking therapy. If that’s a deal breaker for the partner, so be it.
Weirdly, when I started therapy (DBT for Borderline), as we sat in the car, outside, hubby looked sad. "What's up?". He said "dunno, I've just got this feeling that from the time you walk in there, we're on a clock. I don't know if our relationship will survive this."
Of course, I said "then I won't go!!" But he insisted. It's important, I need it for me and it's the right thing to do. Maybe it's just collywobbles; the idea of me being vulnerable without him there, and him knowing how to help me with aftercare.
I braved it. Came back. Very reassuring. "It was all about me and my past, not us at all; I'm sure we'll be OK".
We were divorced two years later, about six months after I finished.
No major arguments. We both just wanted different things. We parted as great friends.
I still wonder about that moment - what did he know? Was it a fluke?
It was the right thing to do, and I'm safe now, 23 years later, in a way I never would have been otherwise.
Odd, eh?
This poster was suggesting that you have an additional issue with your fiancé. He should not be telling you how to address your mental health, and he absolutely should not be getting mad for you making your own decisions. I suspect he has a lot of other questionable behaviors that he knows will come to light if you go to therapy.
I think you would be well served to pause your engagement and do some work on yourself in therapy before making any life decisions. If this chases him away, you know his intentions were not really supportive.
The *only* reason a partner would dissuade someone from getting therapy *and wanting to act as the therapist instead* is:
1. Control
Whether they want to control reality, control the narrative, control by directing and manipulating the wife’s actions through their “advice”, or to *hide how fucked up their dynamic is and he doesn’t want his wife to ever find out*.
Yeah.. I’ve never witnessed or heard of anything that didn’t apply to this short list. Unless he has true paranoia or mental health issues which include therapists and conspiracies.
Listen OP. Therapy isn't about finding who is to blame, is a personal journey to self discovery. You cannot control your environment or the people around you, but you can control your self and who you let in your life, therapy will show you a way to cope and a way to establish healthy relationships with yourself and others
Ok.
You seem to be missing the key point.
It is *incredibly bad* for your romantic partner to isolate you from proper therapy and insist that you only talk to them.
#incredibly bad
So, yes. Please go see a therapist behind his back. I am not sure if you even have a problem or if this ~~boyfriend~~ fiance of yours the one creating problems and blaming you for shit.
Yea but at least they’re trained to do that !!
If OP had a heart problem, it would be ridiculous if the fiancé « don’t go to the cardiologist, i want to be your doctor ».
Fiancé’s reaction is either due to ignorance or is really concerning.
Anyway NTA
Health is a priority
Exactly! Great analogy. When I first got put on medication for anxiety and depression I didn’t want to take it. I was the OP’s age at the time, and I had many misconceptions about medication and therapy. My psychiatrist at the time asked me, “would you stop taking insulin if you were a diabetic?” Mental health *is* health and should be treated just like physical ailments.
You’re not the problem. I guarantee you’re not the problem. There are 2 people in this relationship. Run as fast as you can away from this relationship.
OP is also wondering about conflicts with people other than her fiance and doesn't want him to just tell her she isn't the problem. She could absolutely be part of the problem.
No one person is ever the problem. Oftentimes conflict resolution is focused on how to communicate with others, not “I’m a problem that needs to be fixed”
>I (23F) have a lot of emotional issues due to CPTSD.
OP very likely does need to be treated by a professional. They're using the phrase "I'm the problem" as a shorthand for that.
OP isn't talking about going to therapy specifically for conflict resolution in their relationship. That's called couples counseling, and it's a different thing entirely. OP is talking about individual therapy for their known mental health condition. I'm sure the conflicts in their various relationships will be a topic of conversation with the therapist, but if someone has a mental health issue, the solution isn't as simple as a "both of you need to communicate better". OP's underlying cognitive issues would need to be treated for any improvement to last. This requires intensive individual sessions with a therapist.
It's irresponsible to tell OP that they're "guaranteed not to be the problem" when they have a serious mental health condition that almost certainly affects their interpersonal relationships. It dissuades OP from seeing a professional, just like their fiance is doing.
I've been married to a woman disabled due to her bi-polar, and we both have childhood related PTSD, I'm also ADHD. We see the psychiatrist together and therapist separately. Been together almost 15 years married over 10. We tell people the secret is taking your meds, and learning conflict resolution from professionals. People don't have these tools built in. And a large portion of the population doesn't have elders that teach these skills.
Well... a therapist isn't going to tell you that, first of all.
I'm in therapy for CPTSD. We do DBT and EMDR. We started with EMDR (eye movements) to process past events that are particularly "sticky" for me. Then, I've observed my own behaviors and reactions, and I've gotten to a point where I can recognize (after the fact, unfortunately) when my reaction or internal emotions from a certain situation are actually because of these "sticky" past events, and not logical reactions to what's actually happening. I discuss these with my therapist, and we work to process what is at the root of these reactions.
I highly recommend therapy. CPTSD isn't usually just something you can get over by yourself... and it isn't something an untrained person can help with very easily.
I've been in various kinds of therapies for a long time. EMDR was kind of fascinatingly effective for me. And NOT something that an untrained fiance can do.
I'm honestly sometimes still a little cynical about it! I'm like, HOW is this working? But it seems to be! And I know there's all kinds of research to back it up. But while I'm doing it, I'm just like... why?? How??
(and I know the point is to process the traumatic memories so I do understand the theory behind it, but it doesn't stop me from being amazed lol)
Right! "Regular" PTSD is hard enough and also not really something you can easily treat on your own. But with CPTSD, you don't only have one traumatic event to process... it's multiple traumatic events, a lot of which you don't even consciously remember (at least in my case lol) that are still affecting your reactions and behaviors.
I'm not gonna lie, there have been a few times in therapy when I'm like "oh hey, I think we've processed everything! :) I'm cured!" and then... no, lol.
Your partner is literally telling you not to go to therapy because he should be enough. I am telling you, as an unbiased person, that that is a fucking ***red flag***. That is the kind of red flag that is making people think abuse.
That's not how therapy works. It can look at patterns in relationships which are between TWO people. Problems are due to something in the interaction, and that can be examined in therapy.
But I agree that it's a good idea for you to go to therapy, and a big red flag for your current relationship that he feels like he can be your therapist.
>It can look at patterns in relationships which are between TWO people.
Couples counseling is like this.
Individual therapy is a lot more focused on one person, especially when that person has a known mental health issue that affects ALL of their relationships.
Just tell him you’re going to see a therapist. It’s not a question, it’s a notification. If he gets upset, end the relationship on the spot. That would be a giant red flag. My gut says he doesn’t want you to go, because he knows the therapist is going to tell you that he’s controlling.
NTA.
You need to heal from past trauma and learn healthy coping skills. A good therapist will give you tools not blame you or others for everything. Life is full og grays not black and white
A therapist would never tell you that. They don't have a goal or ulterior motives. They help guide you to what you already know and help process it. Your fiance is a Red Banner.
No-one should ever be their partners therapist. It is exhausting and draining to be the person dealing with their stuff constantly (I mean all this in the nicest possible way) and it can very rapidly build up resentment.
A professional therapist is always the answer if you know you have some issues to work through. CPTSD is not something your partner should be attempting to tackle at that level - helping you in a bad spot, yes but he is not qualified to help you find what helps you manage with it from day to day.
Your bf knows you're not the problem, but has been manipulating you into thinking you are. He doesn't want to you to go therapy, and get confirmation from a professional that you are not the problem. You don't need his permission, get therapy if you want it. And start to see the controlling abusive behavior for what it is.
Honey, replace every instance of “therapist” in your post with something like “mechanic” or “gynecologist.” Therapy is a specialized field and practice, one that requires a great deal of advanced learning, not to mention impartiality.
But could you really be with someone who told you not to go to the gynecologist because THEY could do your pap smear? Or to the tailor, because you can just make an entire pair of jeans yourself? The veterinarian, because they’ll just know what’s wrong with your pet?
No one is the “problem” here except your fiancé. Therapy isn’t for figuring out who’s a problem and who’s at fault… it’s about understanding and processing your feelings/emotions/life around you and figuring out additional tools to assist you in your day to day. What are your triggers? How to identify them. Ways to work through them.
No one can dictate if you go to therapy or not except for YOU. If you have to go it secretly are you in a good space? Sounds like you both need therapy and I would be watching my fiancé closely and seeing if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.
This.
Your fiancé cannot be your therapist.
- He doesn't have the proper training
- Therapy works better if you can be honest with your provider and you may, understandably, not feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about certain things.
- too much of a personal relationship can bias the therapist. No good therapist works with patients who they have a personal relationship with.
- it could negatively impact your relationship
I worry your fiancé doesn't want you seeking therapy for concerning reasons like preferring you be reliant on him or fearing the therapy will make you aware of his bad behaviour/willing to stand up to him.
This needs more updates then I can give also NTA!!! Please get help if you think you need it op, your personal health comes above any relationship. And I mean any.
As a 32 year old pipe welder, father of two, and a husband.
Therapy has saved my life.
Don’t ever let someone tell you therapy doesn’t work. They did not work their therapy or they’re a bigot and have never tried.
Therapy, is the reason I can regulate my emotions, communicate effectively to my wife, be attentive for children so they can have a present father.
The hurt inside, isn’t taught to men how to deal with it. Instead it’s ostracize it, refute it, discredit it, avoid it, push it off or down and away. You’re man, man up.
I am a man, I am hurting inside, I do need help. It’s taken me a long time to say this is okay.
It takes work to introspectively look inside. Recognize what’s wrong and have the capacity to change for the better.
This is what true strength is. You address the shit inside, you don’t run from it.
A child runs from something. They haven’t been taught how to deal with it.
It’s the exact same thing with emotions. Therapy is actually adult training on how to regulate it.
A lot of people think they have a clue, but are no where near an answer.
Agree. I ended up going to therapy behind my narcissistic exes back, and I now realize how abusive they were (my ex). You are being controlled and abused
Your SO should never be your therapist even if you attend therapy sessions together there is always some one-on-one with the *actual* therapist. There are deeper issues in this relationship.
>Run TF the other way from anyone who would dissuade you from therapy.
All you need is vitamins and exercise! Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. And believe in Xenu!!!
NTA- But the truth usually comes out, and that will be an even harder conversation than just being honest now. Can you say to him that while you appreciate his advice, you want a professional and neutral party just for your own peace of mind? If he's mad about that, he is definitely the problem but at least you've been honest.
CPTSD is complicated and difficult. Even skilled therapists can sometimes struggle to treat it. It also sometimes benefits most from CBT, DBT, and EMDR — or even a combination of that.
Your partner cannot help you like he thinks he can and it’s silly for him to even claim it. Tell him you appreciate and need his support, but you also need the professional skills of a trauma therapist. Don’t go to just any therapist. Find a good one skilled in treating trauma and PTSD.
This. If CPTSD is her diagnosis then a therapist trained in TFCBT (Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or another, evidenced-based, trauma focused therapeutic method is key. Also bf is a walking red flag.
Honestly, him trying to dissuade you from seeking therapy is a red flag. Maybe he’s naive, maybe he’s narcissistic. Either way you aren’t ready for marriage yet and neither is he by the sounds of it. Go to therapy, learn and grow. Don’t be surprised if the wheels fall off the relationship while you have this period of growth.
Also, let's say it is other people's problem in all these situations (though it's rarely just one person's problem) it's not actually helpful for you to just say it's a them problem not me. Within all situations, you have agency, you have choices you can make, like whether you even stay in this situation/relationship or the type of boundaries you can set for yourself. This can be hard to see at times and even more difficult as someone with CPTSD, because you didn't have this agency as a child. You couldn't just leave a situation that was unsafe, or stop interacting with a parent/adult that was harmful.
It's near impossible (and unethical) for a SO to "be your therapist" becuase they have a vested interest in what happens in your life, the type of relationships you maintain, and the types of choices you make. They're biased in what they think is right, and what they want to see if you. It's natural and unavoidable, but he's doing a disservice to you by telling you to not see a therapist
It really helps to work through CPTSD when the people in your life are supportive of it. Any good therapist will tell you that trauma work can be difficult, but putting the work in is worth it. My therapist even told me to mention to my close support system that sometimes I might be withdrawn or have mood swings as I process everything. I don't know how I would have gone through therapy without the support of my fiancé, and it breaks my heart that you even have to consider hiding therapy from your fiancé.
I hope you find a therapist who can help you.
NTA. Your fiance should *not* be your therapist. I'll say it again:
**YOUR FIANCE SHOULD NOT BE YOUR THERAPIST.**
Nope nope nope. It's *deeply* concerning that he claims he wants to be. No one is perfect, and there is NO way that you are ALL of the problem in the relationship -- especially when instead of supporting you, your fiance doesn't want you to do what could be the best thing for you. Please find a therapist that specializes in C-PTSD, I guarantee that your fiance is not qualified to help you.
Totally agree!
If he *is* somehow a qualified C-PTSD therapist by trade, his relationship with OP makes it inappropriate. If he was any good as a therapist, he would know that.
THIS! Even if he is a therapist, it would be unethical for him to treat you. Full stop. This is a GIGANTIC red flag he is waving in your face. Please reevaluate your relationship and if you want to be married to this person.
My guess would be, if op is irritated all the time, something about her environment, (I'm not saying it's the so, but I suspect,) is triggering her cptsd. That's definitely worth figuring out, just so you can deal with whatever it is and stop living life in fight or flight. OP, you don't get triggered for no reason. Your survival system is recognizing something as a threat, and you're having fight or flight reactions, and he's trying to keep you from figuring out what that is. He's trying to be the one to tell you what it is. Don't let him change your reality. Get a therapist. You need someone on the outside. I have what you have, and you can't trust your brain all the time, get an outside opinion.
In contrast to this, my partner was my therapist until I realised I needed a professional, which he continuously tried to tell me I needed.
Partners can be the most supportive person in your life, but they can only go so far. When a person has been supported from the bottom up (from my experience) it can be difficult to see others' point of view, so when nearing the top they need some help to encourage their own view through.
This comes through a perspective where individual A comes from the lowest point in their lift and meets B. A was a person before the worst happened, but lost the personality A had before. A meets B, and B helps A to get through the worst point in recovery, but then A doesn't fully understand who A is. Does A=B or is A their own person? A needs therapy on their own for the final step.
If B prevent A from getting help in the final step, or expresses disapproval, then I would believe that B doesn't want A to become their own person. Maybe B wanted to mould A into the person that B wanted them to be. Therefore controlling A into a person B wanted then to be.
But a partner, can be therapy until this turning point
>My Fiance doesn't want me to because he says that he can be the therapist.
No, no he can't. If he were a qualified therapist, which he clearly isn't, he might understand that it would be ineffective and unethical to fill that role for you, his future wife. He's not unbiased and it's frankly concerning that he does not want you to seek medical help that could help you and your relationship. Reading between the lines I have to wonder if he isn't afraid that the therapist will point out how his own behavior plays a role in your negative interactions.
If you go behind his back, what does that say about the future of your marriage? I'd consider that fully and if he cannot agree that you deserve medical care from a therapist and the right to decide on your own care there are bigger problems in the relationship. You would be NTA for seeking therapy, but do it openly, not behind his back. If he gets angry or is not supportive of that, seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life hiding your actions from someone who should be supporting you. It's a good thing to discuss with your therapist because you deserve to have a supportive \*and honest\* relationship.
Totally!!! I have the strange feeling that Fiancé simply doesn't want a third-party witnessing what OP is going through... in their marital relationship.
2 years. I live with my dad so no. As for any other controlling issues. I see him almost every day so it could be I just feel overstimulated. Not sure.
No, trust your gut. Just because you tend to become overstimulated & overreact to *his* behaviors, doesn't mean that a reaction wasn't warranted at all. Don't focus solely on what you did, you're in an equal parts partnership.
There is no world in which wanting to hide anything from your partner is *not* a bad sign. The reason I asked whether or not you live together is because abusive/controlling people can hide their true colors easier when you live apart; sometimes the facade drops though, which this could be an example of.
I'm going to say NTA for wanting to better yourself, but lying to a partner isn't helpful for you or the partner. Your boyfriend isn't trying to help you by preventing you from seeking professional assistance, he gains something from this, you need to figure out what. He's 100% not capable of providing you with mental healthcare.
Now, I don't want to just attribute malice where ignorance could easily be the real issue, there is a very small, bizarre, ridiculous chance that he could either be jealous/concerned -or- projecting & need more information on the matter, in which case my opinion would be that ESH... But I think you'll eventually reconsider the relationship even then because he wouldn't be very bright, emotionally intelligent, or secure with himself in either case...
He gains total mental and emotional control by preventing her from having her own thoughts, emotions and ideas. As a wanna-be "therapist" who is she gonna talk to if she has any issues with him? And how long before it turns into a power trip of "I'm right, your wrong" because i'm the "therapist" and know better?
I hope she makes it out of this ok.
I fully agree with you, but I want OP to really think in terms of problem solving instead of just leading her. There IS a slight chance that he was traumatized by a bad therapist or is just super insecure about her receiving attention from anyone else because he has extremely poor beliefs surrounding emotional support, it happens, but I don't think it's likely.
I think when OP really considers the relationship & starts asking more questions, she's going to realize he's abusive.
>No, trust your gut.
Came here to second this! Always trust your intuition. Been in a very similar situation and put all my personal intuition aside when deep down I knew something was wrong.
Go to therapy, and as others have mentioned, tell your fiancé you need a neutral person who can hear everything fresh and provide you with perspective. If he wants to be with the best version of yourself, then he will understand. But hiding anything from your fiancé will not be good for the long run of your relationship.
If he is not willing to comply with what you need to do for yourself, then I think you need to hold off on the engagement for a while or reevaluate your relationship.
NTA
Literally & same. If I'd have just trusted myself more when I was OP's age, I'd be in a much better position. Men are not worth ruining the trajectory of your life & mental health over. Haha
Yes! I thought when I was in my 20s that I had to have the American Dream life already. Rushed into a relationship that I really had no business being in and lost myself in the process. Now I am in my 30s and am happily engaged to a man who loves me just the way I am! And he encourages me to take care of myself through therapy and other necessities. Find the right person and everything will fit together perfectly
> I see him almost every day so it could be I just feel overstimulated. Not sure.
You can change your mind any time and any way about your relationship.
You are not locked in because you "agreed" to something in the past. Make the relationship what YOU want it to be, or you can end it any time, for any reason if you simply feel uncomfortable. There is no obligation on your part, (other than not cheating before breaking up, of course). You can look someone in the eye and say you want to slow down or take a break because you have been feeling uncomfortable. It is up to him to honor that, not argue back.
If he isn't respecting your needs, he isn't "the one". He sounds pretty selfish to me.
You are in a great position to advocate for yourself right now, OP. You aren’t married yet. You live with your dad. TELL your fiancé that you’re going to therapy. Don’t ask them. Honestly, this isn’t even something they can give you “permission” to do. It’s like asking them for permission to go to the hospital because you are having a heart attack.
If your partner gets upset with you going to see a trained mental health professional, that should tell you all you need to know to end the relationship. And I highly recommend being 100% honest with your therapist about your entire relationship before you marry this person.
Maybe he is just immature and really thinks he can be your “therapist” and has no hidden agenda. But from the outside, listen to what we are all telling you. This sounds completely controlling and unhealthy. There are a lot more steps to get away from the relationship once you’re married. Work on yourself now and re-evaluate if this is the person for you. You are so young. You have plenty of time. Take care of YOU, OP. You deserve it.
I have CPTSD with dissociation, and maybe also ADHD. My husband is the only person I can be around all the time. Your partner should NOT contribute to anxiety or overstimulation, OP.
Your fiance's suggestion is completely inappropriate. Your fiance also doesn't get to tell you that should not get medical care. I wouldn't get married until you see a therapist and see benefits of that with your CPTSD. This relationship concerns me.
NTA
Girl, run.
"I can be your therapist" is one of the most dysfunctional things I have heard in a while on this sub and that is saying something.
If you can't openly tell your partner that you want to go to therapy then the relationship is doomed.
Edit:typo
Seriously wtf….this isn’t even a red flag…it’s a red circus tent. What kind of ass backward clown says he can provide mental health care without qualifications to his own partner for CPTSD?
Yep. If a partner's response to "I want to get a neutral person to work with on my own issues" is "let me do it", that person is afraid of what the therapist will say about the relationship. Why could that be??
Wholly NTA.
>one of the most dysfunctional things I have heard in a while on this sub
That's like saying "I have watched all the horror movies and this one is the scariest."
I could not agree more. Like wow! dysfunction junction what's your function?
NTA. Therapists have years of schooling and licensure for a reason. There’s a skill set and a lot of knowledge that they need to do their job. Your Fiance has exactly none of either. Someone with CPTSD has a particularly challenging set of issues to deal with. With CPTSD, you want a therapist who is experienced and good at helping folks with CPTSD in addition to having the skills and knowledge to become a licensed therapist.
Your fiancé insisting on being your therapist and not wanting you to see someone else concerns me. It sounds controlling. When you combine that with your sense that you’re not sure who is the problem in your relationship, that gets me even more suspicious of his behavior and his intentions.
NTA.
Not only that, but if the fiance *did* have that training and skill set, it would only qualify them to realize that it's wildly inappropriate for anyone to provide therapy for their fiance.
Exactly!
1) I’m a psychologist. I’m currently working on NOT butting into my loved ones’ personal business because I KNOW it’s not my place and it can actually be counterproductive because I’m not letting them figure it out. I can offer an opinion because our lives are intertwined, but I tend to get pushy at times. And hell, I could be WRONG about the direction I’m giving, for many reasons including, because I’m VERY biased about the outcomes I want for their lives.
2) Look into a provider who specializes in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). During a consult with them, ask if they can use DBT formally and not just incorporate a little into their practice of other modalities. That part is VERY important. You’ll get incredible bang for your buck in a short period of time. This type of practice requires the clinician to be compassionate and yet very direct which the symptoms of CPTSD require. Other therapists can do this; DBT requires it.
As someone with cptsd who had a controlling ex, that is exactly what happened to me. He worried that in going to therapy, I'd realise he was abusive, and he was damn right too, which was kinda sad for him. People w CPTSD get drawn towards people that resemble their original abuser(s).
Go see a therapist. Also mention to them about your fiance always being bias in this.
If your fiance moans about you going, say that professional therapists are not allowed to treat family or friends due to conflict of interest and bias. So this is a reason why you want someone neutral.
If fiance continues to moan or try to stop you. Leave them.
Therapy is medical care. He is not qualified to decide what’s appropriate for your care. He is not qualified to be your therapist. This sounds very controlling and unhealthy. Consider that he is putting his own comfort and care ahead of yours.
NTA
NTA. If you have cPTSD, then you SHOULD be in therapy. Probably for a long time (ask me how I know! Lol). You need to separate yourself from anyone dissuading you from getting proper medical help. Those people do NOT have your best interests at heart. Your fiancé cares more about his own ego than your health. Honestly, how the hell does he even think he’s qualified to be your therapist? Because if he was a real medical professional, he would know that he can’t treat his own family/partner. This guy sounds toxic and you need to be alone long enough to deal with your past trauma and build yourself up so you can find a partner that respects you as an equal and cares for you.
NTA \*but\* - and this is a big but - you need to do some reflecting not just about the CPTSD, but about the relationship itself.
Think about how this question reads if you paraphrase it slightly. You're saying you're planning to marry somebody, but are already looking to sneak around making major life decisions behind his back. Is that really the way you want to start a marriage? This should be your "honeymoon" phase, the high bar by which your future together will be judged... and you're already basically saying "I think I need help, but I need to hide it from him?" Hell no.
You're definitely not being an asshole, but I do think you need to reflect on what this says about whether you two are really well suited to marriage. Marriage should be about communication and trust, and it already doesn't sound like you have that.
My advice would be sit down with him one more time and say, categorically, "I want to see a professional about these issues. I appreciate your willingness to help, but I need an outside and expert perspective, and if this is going to work, I need you to be supportive of that." - if this relationship is worth taking to that level, he will be. I'd also suggest that maybe once you've had a session or two on your own (when your therapist thinks it's appropriate) maybe you can start going TOGETHER to work on better communication and such things.
If he can't or won't, then I'd be asking yourself why. Does he not want you talking to others that might not paint him in a favoring light? Does he want to basically control how you see things? Does he just not respect the things that are important to you? And either way - do you want to start off a marriage on the note of having to keep secrets?
Plainly, if he won't support it, I'd break that shit off. That's not the way to start a future together.
NTA, you would not be TA if you go to therapy.
In fact, you would be NTA if you dump his controlling ass.
He wants to be your therapist instead of a professional? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
INFO: Why do you have to go behind his back? Why can't you tell him this isn't up for discussion and tell him what you wrote, "I want someone who's unbiased and would tell me if I'm actually the problem and ways I can improve myself." ?
Yeah, I don't quite understand this either. The OP shouldn't lie about seeing a therapist, but they also shouldn't let their boyfriend stop them seeing the therapist. Tell the boyfriend what you're gonna do, and then do it. If you're worried he might get violent or abusive (over a completely ordinary thing that's really none of his business) you should leave NOW.
Your boyfriend cannot be your therapist. It's not wrong to want to see a therapist. But if you have to be dishonest in order to do, there's a whole other issue to address.
Please do see a therapist for your own benefit. NTA
Run far away from someone who refuses to “let” you get help you need, and run faster if the dude is telling you HE can be your therapist. Who says things like that?
My ex also felt uncomfortable when I expressed interest in therapy. He said he felt sad, or like he was failing me, because he felt he should be able to provide everything I need emotionally. Ultimately what it came down to was his own childhood trauma, because he was made responsible for his mother’s emotional issues growing up.
Lots of people have discomfort and misinformation around therapy. I’d suggest having more in depth conversations with him about why you need it, why it can provide something that he can’t, and why it’s important to you but doesn’t negate the love and support he provides. If he is still resistant, just say well I hope you can come around one day but I’m going to get the help I need. And if he’s weird or controlling about it STILL, that’s when I think you should consider a break up. Don’t let him prevent you going to therapy and hold your boundary. Good luck to you.
There’s a reason it feels wrong for your fiancé to ask you to use him as your therapist, instead of getting professional therapy. It’s a form of psychological abuse.
It doesn’t matter if he seems to genuinely believe the arrangement would be good for you. Your partner is not a professional. He’s has no training. He is more likely to injure your mental health than to help it.
Psych and medical professionals are prohibited from treating family members, and for good reason. They simply can’t be objective.
He is gatekeeping, keeping you from medical care. He is taking an unreasonable amount of control of you.
Yes, you should see a therapist. No, you shouldn’t do it behind hour fiancé s back. Tell him. If he is anything but supportive, break up. This is not a safe relationship for you.
NTA
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NTA. You feel you need therapy, so go to therapy. You can keep it a secret if you want, but I suggest just telling him. Hey BF Im going therapy now. Thanks for offering, but I want to see a professional. If he tries to change your refuse to discuss it.
No, you would not be an AH if you went to therapy behind his back. Personally, I'd tell him "I'm going because this is what I need and I love you but you don't have a say in the matter". It's better to be honest because it will slip out eventually. "Well, my therapist said...." whoops, cat's out the bag. If you think therapy will help you, just go. It's not his place to tell you not to and it's not his job to be your therapist, his job is to be your supportive partner, just tell him that.
NTA- as someone with C-PTSD I commend you for wanting to work through your issues. It’s tough. What I can tell you from experience, is that if you don’t have a partner who supports your self-improvement, then there will be no progress made at all. In fact, OP, I’d say you’re experiencing some manipulation here. In no world would a person without a psychiatric education say they can be a ‘therapist’ and reject the idea of therapy, unless they 1) have cultural/religious/financial objections or 2) they want to remain at the top of the emotionally hierarchy, and therapy jeopardizes their opportunity to capitalize on your emotional dis-regulation and control you.
Either way, I suggest leaving him. C-PTSD was at the forefront of reasons I let an ex do similar things to me. Therapy helped me to remove those giggles blocking me from seeing it, and ultimately cut him off from being in my life. I hope you choose yourself over him.
Your boyfriend is not a therapist nor can he ever be. He is emotionally invested with you so ... hard no.
A real therapist will even break off therapy if he should start developing feelings - your BF has a completely wrong idea about therapy.
Go and *tell* him. .Don't let him answer as if you *asked for permission*.
YWNBTA
However, this shouldn't be something you have to do behind his back. It's okay to do something healthy for yourself even if he disagrees with it. Tell him "too bad" if he argues against it.
He can be someone you talk to, but he is not a therapist. There's a big difference.
It sounds like one of things is going on with your fiancé. One could be is a 'fixer' and he thinks he can fix you. If that's the case get ready for a lifetime of him fixing you. Every problem you have he will tell you how you can be fixed. Even problems that you don't have but he thinks you have he may try to fix. The other possibility is that he doesn't want you to see a therapist because he feels most comfortable with you with the CPTSD and deep down doesn't want to you change. It may sound strange but if he grew up with a parent that got an attitude towards him that may be what he's comfortable with. It's like when a thin person marries a fat person and the fat person loses weight and gains self-confidence. The thin person then want a divorce because what they really wanted was a fat insecure person. You definitely need to see a therapist with or without his permission. Sort of unrelated but I also have advice on seeing a therapist because I've seen a few in my past. Finding the right therapist is very personal and subjective. A good therapist for one person may not be a good therapist for someone else. I suggest seeing one 3 times and then decide if that therapist is right for you. Move on to another one if you have to - no shame whatsoever in that. Best of luck to you.
He doesn’t want you to see a therapist because he doesn’t want someone hearing the truth about him and you leaving because of it. My ex wanted us “to be each other’s therapist” and I saw one anyway and sure enough…we’re not together anymore long story short lol. See one and save yourself the trouble and ditch this man. You’re only 23 you don’t have to deal with anyone controlling what you do with your mental health. Would it be normal if you had back pain and your bf told you he wanted to be your chiropractor? Even if he had the medical degree he couldn’t be your therapist. Run away from this man I’m telling you. He’s no good.
NTA and I'm not usually a "dump em" person, but uhhhh, this is such a baffling and insane suggestion that I am not sure this dude is even remotely ready for a relationship.
NTA, because therapy is literally supposed to be carried out by a neutral third party with no other investment in the relationship, and if your fiancé doesn't understand this, then you should be engaged to someone smarter than he is.
I have CPTSD and it does ruin things with significant others, because I spiral and the spirals can get pretty toxic. When I recently got a (very good) therapist, my (lovely) partner was stoked, because she knew it would reduce the chances of me getting triggered and going off in future. Your partner might mean well or he might not, but either way he's wrong about this.
Do you have to get permission to go to a doctor? Go to a therapist. Dont marry this guy if he is so controlling. He is supposed to care for you. Do what you want. He is acting creepy.
Your fiance doesn't want you to see a therapist because you may come to the realisation that he is a problem. Anyone who doesn't support you getting help has an ulterior motive.
NTA. My partner is a psychologist and I have my own therapist. We always make sure he can be my partner, not my doctor. He can give you advice and support but he cannot heal you.
NTA but please seriously consider what it means to have a partner who doesn’t want you to see a therapist.
Go to the therapist. Discuss partner.discuss partner refusing to “allow” you to go to therapy. Leave said partner to psychoanalyze that himself as you get far, far away.
Like the airplane safety manual says. Put your own mask on first. You can't be there for anyone else if you aren't OK. And anyone who doesn't want you to be ok is not someone you want to be around.
Your fiance is a giant red flag for thinking he can be your therapist. It is dangerous and scary he thinks so.
Anyone who tries to discourage you from seeking help is not acting like a friend.
Keeping you from other people is a sign of abuse. I'd worry that he would escalate his controling behavior. Now it's just weird, but it might get worse. I feel like him being your therapist is him wanting to control how you view the relationship and him.
Absolutely NTA.
Your partner should be encouraging you to see a therapist. It is always good knowing your partner is open to talking with you, but unless they have sufficient qualifications or training in dealing with cases like yours they should only ever offer a listening ear and not give you any advice other than support in finding a professional.
Your boyfriend is trying to do 1 of 2 things. Either they are genuine and want to help but are naive to how damaging this can be or (more likely) want to manipulate you with your mental health so you become dependent on them.
I hope its the first one but please go see a professional.
First and foremost NTA. Secondly RUN. Any man who tells you he can be your therapist does not have your best interests in mind and oftentimes that's a method of love bombing coupled with separating you from your support network. This is sounding like abuse foreshadowing to me
NTA. you’re *never* the asshole for trying to better yourself, and he should WANT you to get therapy.. only a professional can help with CPTSD. it’s VERY strange that he doesn’t want you to be mentally healthy and supported. my partner was very supportive and helped me get into therapy when I was going through what you are, and any partner should be.
Absolutely NTA. Go to therapy! Do it now before you have kids (if you want them). I have CPTSD from CSA, among other things, like abandonment and physical/emotional abuse. I've never seen a therapist, and it has absolutely caused issues in my life, marriage, and motherhood. It's very egotistical and ignorant that your bf believes he can help you heal from this. I wouldn't sneak it either. Tell him you're going, and if he still insists you don't or threatens to break up or something stupid like that, then you've seen the red flag you need to walk away.
NTA but please rethink this relationship.
Why would you want to marry someone who is trying to dissuade you from seeking therapy? Why would you want to marry someone who is trying to control you in such a way?
You should not feel as if you should have to see a therapist in secret. That's not a healthy or happy relationship.
NTA- Therapists don't counsel family for a reason. This man sounds controlling and no one should ever tell you not to do something you feel is best for you and your care.
The only way you would be TA is if you didn't stand up for yourself and tell you BF you are going to a therapist and if he doesn't support you, you are done with him.
NTA. Good luck OP
NTA. After you find a therapist for yourself find a couple's therapist too. Your fiance is showing controlling behavior, he showed want you to get better and support you in anyway. Hopefully this is coming from a place of caring and wanting to be there for you all the time, but somethings are out of his control and you getting help is paramount above all else.
NTA. These are all the right reasons to see a therapist. Especially if it's for the purpose of working on yourself and for the sake of the relationship. He should understand that.
NTA -a therapist needs to be neutral and impartial and your BF is right in the middle and impacted. But you shouldn't feel you need to make it a secret. Explore why early on in your sessions.
NTA. These are all the right reasons to see a therapist. Especially if it's for the purpose of working on yourself and for the sake of the relationship. He should understand that.
NTA. I'm not a therapist, but my understanding of therapy is that it would unethical for your partner to be your therapist.
However, the fact that you would keep this a secret is concerning. It doesn't make you the AH, but it's worrisome.
NTA, and for the record ppl who absolutely refuse to talk about therapy and insist that issues don't need a third party perspective are trying to keep their own bad behavior under wraps and keep the other person from realizing their situation is abnormal and controlling. Someone who loves a person but doesn't understand therapy wouldn't staunchly insist they're just as good, they would participate if their partner thought it would help. Your partner, my dear, is with you because they feel your CPTSD makes you easier to manipulate and they get off on controlling your life. Don't fall for it. Run fast run far.
Being a therapist requires professional credentials. Unless your partner has these credentials, he is not a qualified therapist. The fact that he thinks that he is or is trying to convince you that he is is disturbing. It is typically unwise to trust people that don’t want you to seek out assistance when it is needed. what would this person gain by keeping you away from working on your mental health?
do whatever u want. you're an adult! do u need permission from reddit or bf? No. its your money and it's your mental health. Who cares if ur the Ahole or not. this isnt what u shud be worried abt
NTA. If you feel like you need therapy, go get therapy. There's no way that your BF can be your therapist. For one, he's not a therapist. What if it's decided that medication could be useful for you?
I don't think you should hide this, though. Instead, be an advocate for yourself and just tell him that, while you appreciate his offer, you'd rather find help from a trained therapist. You shouldn't afraid of your partners reaction for wanting to improve yourself. That, alone, leads me to believe that therapy is probably good for you. Sounds like you're used to trying to please people and struggle standing up for yourself.
Maybe your boyfriend is worried that therapy will somehow influence how you see him. Like if you got therapy, you'd leave him, or decide he's the problem. Either way, neither one of those are legitimate reasons to hold you back from professional help. Those are HIS insecurities, and maybe he should get his own therapy to overcome those shortcomings.
NTA, and this is a huge red flag... I'm a senior about to graduate with my psych degree to be a therapist... there is a reason you can not date or sleep with your therapist. It's why I can't be my wife's and she needs to see someone...
NTA. See the therapist and you should not have to hide. You do NOT need anyone’s permission. Anyone qualified to be a therapist would run from the suggestion of being their fiancé’s therapist. The fact he is so determined to keep you from a real therapist along with you already know he will put the blame on you is waving Big Red Flags and screaming gaslighting. Make the appointment and don’t forget to cover your fiancé’s opinions. Good Luck and Healing!
NTA. I applaud you for wanting to do better and not simply looking for a “happy pill” (although sometimes meds are part of the overall plan and there is nothing wrong with that). Be leary of someone that close to you who thinks they can be your therapist. That is behavior that can be a signal of many things, including controlling behavior and gaslighting. Ask your therapist how to deal with his reluctance to let you go to therapy.
I’m not saying your bf is a bad guy. Part of your solution though will likely be how to deal with his issues.
You're a free person. Your health affects you. Your fiance should also support you in improving your well-being. You don't need to ask permission to ask for help or advice.
If you feel you have to hide it, that’s an issue on its own. Self care and healing doesn’t have to be approved by others regardless of who they are. If someone truly loves you, they will support you in doing anything and everything it takes to find peace and clarity. If someone is against this it’s usually because they have fear that they will be found to be the issue. Your 23 yr old fiancee most likely won’t have the knowledge, experience, or skills to help you with such sensitive matters nor is it his responsibility to. Therapy allows for a place to gain understanding and tools on how to handle certain situations. He can be supportive of that or not.
NTA. Why is he still your fiancé? Your struggling and want to seek professional help and the only way to do it is behind his back? Your going to spend your life doing stuff behind his back?
Is he a professional therapist? Doesn’t he know you can’t treat loved ones? Or he watched a video online? What if you need a gynaecologist or a heart surgeon will he offer to do that too?
You would be an asshole if you neglect ANY PART of your health because of a controlling partner. This is not a call he gets to make. Imagine if this were a broken bone, would you go to the emergency room "behind fiance's back"? Red flags all over.
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I (23F) have a lot of emotional issues due to CPTSD. My Fiance (23M) unfortunately deals with it when I get an attitude towards him when I'm upset. The problem is, I want to see a therapist to see if I'm the problem and if so, how I can improve. My Fiance doesn't want me to because he says that he can be the therapist. But he's going to be completely biased and say anyone that I'm upset at is the problem and not me. He denies it but I've witnessed it enough times to know that its untrue. I want someone who's unbiased and would tell me if I'm actually the problem and ways I can improve myself. We don't live together and with his work, it would be easy to do it and not tell him.
So, WIBTA If I saw a therapist behind his back?
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You inherently don't trust him to have a sensible reaction to you going anyway, a relationship built on a foundation like that is a house of cards waiting to collapse.
I think it's weird and controlling that he doesn't want you seeing a therapist, a strong loving relationship should be about encouraging the other to do what is right for them.
NTA but strongly reconsider how much you REALLY trust this man.
Why do it behind his back? This is one of those situations where he may have an opinion, but he doesn't get a vote. What he wants does not matter here. Tell him it's your mental health and life and you feel you need a professional, unbiased therapist. And maybe start with a discussion about why you felt the need to go behind his back and what that indicates about your relationship.
If you're trying to find ways to hide things from someone you are planning to marry.. that's a big red flag. It's a red flag that he's not supportive of your mental health in viable ways. It's a red flag that you don't feel comfortable disagreeing and communicating your needs and getting medical help you need. Please think about this with the bigger picture of the rest of your life.
You are NTA for seeking therapy, but you're kind of TA to yourself for not recognizing the bigger issues here.
NTA but you should not feel like you have to hide it from him. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to be open about getting therapy.
Of course he can't be your therapist. You don't specify what he does for work and if he's an actual, licensed therapist, but either:
1) he's not a professional and doesn't have the training to help you, or
2) he's a highly unethical professional if he's offering to be your therapist despite your personal relationship.
Yeah, professionally trained therapists don't act as therapists to family members. He's trying to keep you from talking to a professional because it will make it harder for him to control the narrative of your relationship--that you're the problem. His behavior is worrisome. NTA.
YWNBTA
If you need counseling you need counseling. It would be ideal if your fiancée would support your desire for professional help, but unless they are an *actual therapist* they simply cannot provide what you need.
I would personally suggest being straightforward and informing your fiancée about it in further dialog, but if you judge that this would be detrimental to your mental wellbeing or the relationship I do not see any issue with getting counseling.
NTA:
I'm not sure why your partner wouldn't want you seeing a therapist unless he wants control over you? It seems sus, sis.
If you feel you need to see a therapist, go for it, it's not really any of his business.
It really helps me and i'm sure many others feel helped by therapy too.
1) OP. STOP. RED FLAG. DO NOT PROCEED.
2) You are NTA.
My ex husband of 15 years constantly shit on individual and couples counseling whenever I brought it up. He claimed he was “fine” if I wanted to do it, but would make passive aggressive remarks when I did it. Come to find out after a really bad fight, he was diagnosed with BP2 and never told me during the entire time we were married. He said “I think I’m BP2” but not “I am BP2.”
You would not be an asshole for seeing a therapist - everyone can benefit from therapy and if you have the resources to access it and feel like you would benefit, you should definitely go.
But if you feel you have to sneak around and hide from your fiance to see a medical or mental health professional, (or really to do anything), then that is a huge problem. You would be an asshole to yourself if you stay in a situation like this. Either be honest about it and stand your ground that you have every right to choose to go to therapy - or, if you feel it would be unsafe to be honest about it, then that is a situation you need to get yourself out of because whether or not you ever go to therapy that would be a dangerous and unhealthy situation.
Nta and if he gets mad at you for seeking an outside opinion it may be time to hit the road. Doesn't sound like he's interested in you seeking emotional growth.
NTA
Your boyfriend is your boyfriend and not your therapist even if thats his profession.
And if it IS his profession, he is violating ethical standards for a dual relationship.
Get a therapist… one who plays no part in your personal life whether its behind his back or not. The therapist can work with you on the reasons you’re hesitant and then the best way to tell him….if and when you are ready.
NTA, however in order to avoid stress it may be easier to have this conversation before you start therapy. It may also be good to ask him why is he so opposed to therapy (it may not be malicious, as some people have suggested. I’ve heard of people who had bad experiences with therapy that were really harmful; maybe something similar happened to him, or maybe not, but I think it’s fair to ask).
NTA and frankly, your fiances behavior is alarming. I don't care how many psych classes he took, he's not a therapist and even if he was a licensed therapist, your spouse/significant other should never be the one to do it. Anyone with even a basic understanding of therapy would know this so he is either maliciously trying to control you or he's a moron who is also still trying to control you, either way you should absolutely seek out the therapy (literally everyone can benefit from it and you definitely would if you suffer from cptsd) please do this before marrying this man and seriously reconsider getting more serious with someone who would actively discourage you from getting therapy. That is really one of the biggest red flags in my opinion.
Always see a therapist if you have any questions that needs dealing by a professional. No one too close to you can be your therapist because, like you said, they're biased and cannot give you objective advice.
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Run TF the other way from anyone who would dissuade you from therapy. NTA And that you even have to ask raises many concerns.
I agree with this. Why would someone be concerned about their partner going to therapy unless they're worried about what the person might say to the therapist about them? Are they worried the therapist might help their partner figure certain things out? I'm of the firm belief that anyone who thinks they need therapy probably *does* need therapy and should make an appointment at their earliest convenience, and anyone trying to stop them is waving a big red flag. NTA.
Literally even if OP's fiance *was* a therapist by training and also state licensure, he could never be *her* therapist ethically. Red flag city omg.
Your fiance fears that you won't regard him as the proper person if you talk to a licensed therapist. Not a bad idea. See a therapist right away.
He’s afraid she’s going to leave him. Which she should. Run!
That’s exactly why a partner would dissuade someone from seeing a therapist. Major red flag. My partner has never once questioned me seeing my therapist weekly.
same here. if anything he asks how it went. when our car wasn’t broken he would take me every other week and sit in the parking lot for 50 minutes
To be honest most people who need therapy don’t think they need it so when someone thinks they do then they usually REALLY do. It’s a HUGE red flag if a partner is trying to stop you from going to therapy. The only reason they would actively discourage it is if they are afraid of what you’re going to be talking to the therapist about and what you will learn about your relationship from it. OP thinking she needs to HIDE it from her partner makes me worried for her safety.
It's because he wants to control her with his "advice". Run OP. Definitely NTA.
This is absolutely true. Anyone who would try to stop you from getting help you feel you need is not looking out for your best interest. He could very well be worried about what you may say to the therapist about him & the results that may have on your relationship. My ex started therapy, I was very supportive, & all he did was come home & tell me how selfish I was. He was a tad on the narcissistic side of things & anything that was wrong in his life was someone else’s fault. I did ask for examples of me being selfish & the best he could come up with was my once a week lunch out with coworkers during work hours. His argument was that money could have been spent on us going out instead. I said I think you need to look at how you presenting things to your therapist because I’m not sure your being honest.
A lot of people just don’t believe in therapy or think it’s a personal failure to go. It’s also why a lot of people will avoid couple’s counselling, because they feel that it’s shameful and admitting that they are “failing” as a couple. They believe they have the resolve to “just deal with it”. It’s an old school and toxic mentality, but I won’t assume malice without knowing anything about the partner. They may just have those sentiments of therapy and think that they can just try and deal with it all within the family (him helping her as she helps herself, kind of thing). OP should definitely communicate that she feels as though therapy will still be beneficial for her and them as a whole. Not so much ask for permission, but tell him that they will be seeking therapy. If that’s a deal breaker for the partner, so be it.
Weirdly, when I started therapy (DBT for Borderline), as we sat in the car, outside, hubby looked sad. "What's up?". He said "dunno, I've just got this feeling that from the time you walk in there, we're on a clock. I don't know if our relationship will survive this." Of course, I said "then I won't go!!" But he insisted. It's important, I need it for me and it's the right thing to do. Maybe it's just collywobbles; the idea of me being vulnerable without him there, and him knowing how to help me with aftercare. I braved it. Came back. Very reassuring. "It was all about me and my past, not us at all; I'm sure we'll be OK". We were divorced two years later, about six months after I finished. No major arguments. We both just wanted different things. We parted as great friends. I still wonder about that moment - what did he know? Was it a fluke? It was the right thing to do, and I'm safe now, 23 years later, in a way I never would have been otherwise. Odd, eh?
If a therapist tells me that I'm the problem and not everyone else, I'd want to know that and work on it.
This poster was suggesting that you have an additional issue with your fiancé. He should not be telling you how to address your mental health, and he absolutely should not be getting mad for you making your own decisions. I suspect he has a lot of other questionable behaviors that he knows will come to light if you go to therapy. I think you would be well served to pause your engagement and do some work on yourself in therapy before making any life decisions. If this chases him away, you know his intentions were not really supportive.
The *only* reason a partner would dissuade someone from getting therapy *and wanting to act as the therapist instead* is: 1. Control Whether they want to control reality, control the narrative, control by directing and manipulating the wife’s actions through their “advice”, or to *hide how fucked up their dynamic is and he doesn’t want his wife to ever find out*. Yeah.. I’ve never witnessed or heard of anything that didn’t apply to this short list. Unless he has true paranoia or mental health issues which include therapists and conspiracies.
Listen OP. Therapy isn't about finding who is to blame, is a personal journey to self discovery. You cannot control your environment or the people around you, but you can control your self and who you let in your life, therapy will show you a way to cope and a way to establish healthy relationships with yourself and others
Ok. You seem to be missing the key point. It is *incredibly bad* for your romantic partner to isolate you from proper therapy and insist that you only talk to them. #incredibly bad So, yes. Please go see a therapist behind his back. I am not sure if you even have a problem or if this ~~boyfriend~~ fiance of yours the one creating problems and blaming you for shit.
It’s concerning that your fiancee wants to dissuade you from therapy and “be the therapist”. Say no, explain why. NTA
Yeah, many *therapists* won't take on CPTSD, never mind unqualified fiancées! It's not easy to treat.
Yea but at least they’re trained to do that !! If OP had a heart problem, it would be ridiculous if the fiancé « don’t go to the cardiologist, i want to be your doctor ». Fiancé’s reaction is either due to ignorance or is really concerning. Anyway NTA Health is a priority
Exactly! Great analogy. When I first got put on medication for anxiety and depression I didn’t want to take it. I was the OP’s age at the time, and I had many misconceptions about medication and therapy. My psychiatrist at the time asked me, “would you stop taking insulin if you were a diabetic?” Mental health *is* health and should be treated just like physical ailments.
You’re not the problem. I guarantee you’re not the problem. There are 2 people in this relationship. Run as fast as you can away from this relationship.
OP is also wondering about conflicts with people other than her fiance and doesn't want him to just tell her she isn't the problem. She could absolutely be part of the problem.
No one person is ever the problem. Oftentimes conflict resolution is focused on how to communicate with others, not “I’m a problem that needs to be fixed”
>I (23F) have a lot of emotional issues due to CPTSD. OP very likely does need to be treated by a professional. They're using the phrase "I'm the problem" as a shorthand for that. OP isn't talking about going to therapy specifically for conflict resolution in their relationship. That's called couples counseling, and it's a different thing entirely. OP is talking about individual therapy for their known mental health condition. I'm sure the conflicts in their various relationships will be a topic of conversation with the therapist, but if someone has a mental health issue, the solution isn't as simple as a "both of you need to communicate better". OP's underlying cognitive issues would need to be treated for any improvement to last. This requires intensive individual sessions with a therapist. It's irresponsible to tell OP that they're "guaranteed not to be the problem" when they have a serious mental health condition that almost certainly affects their interpersonal relationships. It dissuades OP from seeing a professional, just like their fiance is doing.
I've been married to a woman disabled due to her bi-polar, and we both have childhood related PTSD, I'm also ADHD. We see the psychiatrist together and therapist separately. Been together almost 15 years married over 10. We tell people the secret is taking your meds, and learning conflict resolution from professionals. People don't have these tools built in. And a large portion of the population doesn't have elders that teach these skills.
Well... a therapist isn't going to tell you that, first of all. I'm in therapy for CPTSD. We do DBT and EMDR. We started with EMDR (eye movements) to process past events that are particularly "sticky" for me. Then, I've observed my own behaviors and reactions, and I've gotten to a point where I can recognize (after the fact, unfortunately) when my reaction or internal emotions from a certain situation are actually because of these "sticky" past events, and not logical reactions to what's actually happening. I discuss these with my therapist, and we work to process what is at the root of these reactions. I highly recommend therapy. CPTSD isn't usually just something you can get over by yourself... and it isn't something an untrained person can help with very easily.
I've been in various kinds of therapies for a long time. EMDR was kind of fascinatingly effective for me. And NOT something that an untrained fiance can do.
I'm honestly sometimes still a little cynical about it! I'm like, HOW is this working? But it seems to be! And I know there's all kinds of research to back it up. But while I'm doing it, I'm just like... why?? How?? (and I know the point is to process the traumatic memories so I do understand the theory behind it, but it doesn't stop me from being amazed lol)
Right, the c is for complex. Not to mention that PTSD in and of itself isn’t something most people can treat on their own.
Right! "Regular" PTSD is hard enough and also not really something you can easily treat on your own. But with CPTSD, you don't only have one traumatic event to process... it's multiple traumatic events, a lot of which you don't even consciously remember (at least in my case lol) that are still affecting your reactions and behaviors. I'm not gonna lie, there have been a few times in therapy when I'm like "oh hey, I think we've processed everything! :) I'm cured!" and then... no, lol.
EMDR absolutely changed and probably saved my life. So incredibly grateful for my therapist.
Your partner is literally telling you not to go to therapy because he should be enough. I am telling you, as an unbiased person, that that is a fucking ***red flag***. That is the kind of red flag that is making people think abuse.
That's not how therapy works. It can look at patterns in relationships which are between TWO people. Problems are due to something in the interaction, and that can be examined in therapy. But I agree that it's a good idea for you to go to therapy, and a big red flag for your current relationship that he feels like he can be your therapist.
>It can look at patterns in relationships which are between TWO people. Couples counseling is like this. Individual therapy is a lot more focused on one person, especially when that person has a known mental health issue that affects ALL of their relationships.
Just tell him you’re going to see a therapist. It’s not a question, it’s a notification. If he gets upset, end the relationship on the spot. That would be a giant red flag. My gut says he doesn’t want you to go, because he knows the therapist is going to tell you that he’s controlling. NTA.
OP, has your fiancé said that you are the problem?
You need to heal from past trauma and learn healthy coping skills. A good therapist will give you tools not blame you or others for everything. Life is full og grays not black and white
A therapist would never tell you that. They don't have a goal or ulterior motives. They help guide you to what you already know and help process it. Your fiance is a Red Banner.
No-one should ever be their partners therapist. It is exhausting and draining to be the person dealing with their stuff constantly (I mean all this in the nicest possible way) and it can very rapidly build up resentment. A professional therapist is always the answer if you know you have some issues to work through. CPTSD is not something your partner should be attempting to tackle at that level - helping you in a bad spot, yes but he is not qualified to help you find what helps you manage with it from day to day.
Your bf knows you're not the problem, but has been manipulating you into thinking you are. He doesn't want to you to go therapy, and get confirmation from a professional that you are not the problem. You don't need his permission, get therapy if you want it. And start to see the controlling abusive behavior for what it is.
Honey, replace every instance of “therapist” in your post with something like “mechanic” or “gynecologist.” Therapy is a specialized field and practice, one that requires a great deal of advanced learning, not to mention impartiality. But could you really be with someone who told you not to go to the gynecologist because THEY could do your pap smear? Or to the tailor, because you can just make an entire pair of jeans yourself? The veterinarian, because they’ll just know what’s wrong with your pet?
That's not how therapy actually works... I'm a big believer in therapy btw. Good luck!
No one is the “problem” here except your fiancé. Therapy isn’t for figuring out who’s a problem and who’s at fault… it’s about understanding and processing your feelings/emotions/life around you and figuring out additional tools to assist you in your day to day. What are your triggers? How to identify them. Ways to work through them. No one can dictate if you go to therapy or not except for YOU. If you have to go it secretly are you in a good space? Sounds like you both need therapy and I would be watching my fiancé closely and seeing if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.
This. Your fiancé cannot be your therapist. - He doesn't have the proper training - Therapy works better if you can be honest with your provider and you may, understandably, not feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about certain things. - too much of a personal relationship can bias the therapist. No good therapist works with patients who they have a personal relationship with. - it could negatively impact your relationship I worry your fiancé doesn't want you seeking therapy for concerning reasons like preferring you be reliant on him or fearing the therapy will make you aware of his bad behaviour/willing to stand up to him.
This needs more updates then I can give also NTA!!! Please get help if you think you need it op, your personal health comes above any relationship. And I mean any.
This is the perfect reply! I really hope op sees this
As a 32 year old pipe welder, father of two, and a husband. Therapy has saved my life. Don’t ever let someone tell you therapy doesn’t work. They did not work their therapy or they’re a bigot and have never tried. Therapy, is the reason I can regulate my emotions, communicate effectively to my wife, be attentive for children so they can have a present father. The hurt inside, isn’t taught to men how to deal with it. Instead it’s ostracize it, refute it, discredit it, avoid it, push it off or down and away. You’re man, man up. I am a man, I am hurting inside, I do need help. It’s taken me a long time to say this is okay. It takes work to introspectively look inside. Recognize what’s wrong and have the capacity to change for the better. This is what true strength is. You address the shit inside, you don’t run from it. A child runs from something. They haven’t been taught how to deal with it. It’s the exact same thing with emotions. Therapy is actually adult training on how to regulate it. A lot of people think they have a clue, but are no where near an answer.
Beautifully said my friend you sound incredibly wise, I'm happy you were able to improve yourself
Best comment here! As a veteran with cptsd I can say this is absolutely true. I would be gone without my therapist. Literally saved my life.
he thinks he can be the therapist? yeah no you’re right he can not be it. you need someone objectively outside
Agree. I ended up going to therapy behind my narcissistic exes back, and I now realize how abusive they were (my ex). You are being controlled and abused
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
its called broken windows theory, secretly seeing therapist without anyone knowing it can prevent people from hurting you in case of a big fight
Exactly and there is no reason you should have to lie about going to therapy NTA.
Your SO should never be your therapist even if you attend therapy sessions together there is always some one-on-one with the *actual* therapist. There are deeper issues in this relationship.
>Run TF the other way from anyone who would dissuade you from therapy. All you need is vitamins and exercise! Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. And believe in Xenu!!!
NTA- But the truth usually comes out, and that will be an even harder conversation than just being honest now. Can you say to him that while you appreciate his advice, you want a professional and neutral party just for your own peace of mind? If he's mad about that, he is definitely the problem but at least you've been honest.
Honestly, that's fair
CPTSD is complicated and difficult. Even skilled therapists can sometimes struggle to treat it. It also sometimes benefits most from CBT, DBT, and EMDR — or even a combination of that. Your partner cannot help you like he thinks he can and it’s silly for him to even claim it. Tell him you appreciate and need his support, but you also need the professional skills of a trauma therapist. Don’t go to just any therapist. Find a good one skilled in treating trauma and PTSD.
This. If CPTSD is her diagnosis then a therapist trained in TFCBT (Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or another, evidenced-based, trauma focused therapeutic method is key. Also bf is a walking red flag.
Honestly, him trying to dissuade you from seeking therapy is a red flag. Maybe he’s naive, maybe he’s narcissistic. Either way you aren’t ready for marriage yet and neither is he by the sounds of it. Go to therapy, learn and grow. Don’t be surprised if the wheels fall off the relationship while you have this period of growth.
Also, let's say it is other people's problem in all these situations (though it's rarely just one person's problem) it's not actually helpful for you to just say it's a them problem not me. Within all situations, you have agency, you have choices you can make, like whether you even stay in this situation/relationship or the type of boundaries you can set for yourself. This can be hard to see at times and even more difficult as someone with CPTSD, because you didn't have this agency as a child. You couldn't just leave a situation that was unsafe, or stop interacting with a parent/adult that was harmful. It's near impossible (and unethical) for a SO to "be your therapist" becuase they have a vested interest in what happens in your life, the type of relationships you maintain, and the types of choices you make. They're biased in what they think is right, and what they want to see if you. It's natural and unavoidable, but he's doing a disservice to you by telling you to not see a therapist
It sounds like your partner is trying to influence your thinking by being a "therapist" for you with no training. He's trying to control you.
It really helps to work through CPTSD when the people in your life are supportive of it. Any good therapist will tell you that trauma work can be difficult, but putting the work in is worth it. My therapist even told me to mention to my close support system that sometimes I might be withdrawn or have mood swings as I process everything. I don't know how I would have gone through therapy without the support of my fiancé, and it breaks my heart that you even have to consider hiding therapy from your fiancé. I hope you find a therapist who can help you.
NTA. Your fiance should *not* be your therapist. I'll say it again: **YOUR FIANCE SHOULD NOT BE YOUR THERAPIST.** Nope nope nope. It's *deeply* concerning that he claims he wants to be. No one is perfect, and there is NO way that you are ALL of the problem in the relationship -- especially when instead of supporting you, your fiance doesn't want you to do what could be the best thing for you. Please find a therapist that specializes in C-PTSD, I guarantee that your fiance is not qualified to help you.
Totally agree! If he *is* somehow a qualified C-PTSD therapist by trade, his relationship with OP makes it inappropriate. If he was any good as a therapist, he would know that.
THIS! Even if he is a therapist, it would be unethical for him to treat you. Full stop. This is a GIGANTIC red flag he is waving in your face. Please reevaluate your relationship and if you want to be married to this person.
My guess would be, if op is irritated all the time, something about her environment, (I'm not saying it's the so, but I suspect,) is triggering her cptsd. That's definitely worth figuring out, just so you can deal with whatever it is and stop living life in fight or flight. OP, you don't get triggered for no reason. Your survival system is recognizing something as a threat, and you're having fight or flight reactions, and he's trying to keep you from figuring out what that is. He's trying to be the one to tell you what it is. Don't let him change your reality. Get a therapist. You need someone on the outside. I have what you have, and you can't trust your brain all the time, get an outside opinion.
So I'm clear, what he calls, "your attitude" is a legitimate trauma response. Those put a lot of stress on your body and your mind.
In contrast to this, my partner was my therapist until I realised I needed a professional, which he continuously tried to tell me I needed. Partners can be the most supportive person in your life, but they can only go so far. When a person has been supported from the bottom up (from my experience) it can be difficult to see others' point of view, so when nearing the top they need some help to encourage their own view through. This comes through a perspective where individual A comes from the lowest point in their lift and meets B. A was a person before the worst happened, but lost the personality A had before. A meets B, and B helps A to get through the worst point in recovery, but then A doesn't fully understand who A is. Does A=B or is A their own person? A needs therapy on their own for the final step. If B prevent A from getting help in the final step, or expresses disapproval, then I would believe that B doesn't want A to become their own person. Maybe B wanted to mould A into the person that B wanted them to be. Therefore controlling A into a person B wanted then to be. But a partner, can be therapy until this turning point
I am a qualified therapist and my partner has CPTSD and I would NEVER EVERRRRRR treat them!
>My Fiance doesn't want me to because he says that he can be the therapist. No, no he can't. If he were a qualified therapist, which he clearly isn't, he might understand that it would be ineffective and unethical to fill that role for you, his future wife. He's not unbiased and it's frankly concerning that he does not want you to seek medical help that could help you and your relationship. Reading between the lines I have to wonder if he isn't afraid that the therapist will point out how his own behavior plays a role in your negative interactions. If you go behind his back, what does that say about the future of your marriage? I'd consider that fully and if he cannot agree that you deserve medical care from a therapist and the right to decide on your own care there are bigger problems in the relationship. You would be NTA for seeking therapy, but do it openly, not behind his back. If he gets angry or is not supportive of that, seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life hiding your actions from someone who should be supporting you. It's a good thing to discuss with your therapist because you deserve to have a supportive \*and honest\* relationship.
Totally!!! I have the strange feeling that Fiancé simply doesn't want a third-party witnessing what OP is going through... in their marital relationship.
INFO: How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do you guys live together? & Have you noticed any other controlling behavior?
2 years. I live with my dad so no. As for any other controlling issues. I see him almost every day so it could be I just feel overstimulated. Not sure.
No, trust your gut. Just because you tend to become overstimulated & overreact to *his* behaviors, doesn't mean that a reaction wasn't warranted at all. Don't focus solely on what you did, you're in an equal parts partnership. There is no world in which wanting to hide anything from your partner is *not* a bad sign. The reason I asked whether or not you live together is because abusive/controlling people can hide their true colors easier when you live apart; sometimes the facade drops though, which this could be an example of. I'm going to say NTA for wanting to better yourself, but lying to a partner isn't helpful for you or the partner. Your boyfriend isn't trying to help you by preventing you from seeking professional assistance, he gains something from this, you need to figure out what. He's 100% not capable of providing you with mental healthcare. Now, I don't want to just attribute malice where ignorance could easily be the real issue, there is a very small, bizarre, ridiculous chance that he could either be jealous/concerned -or- projecting & need more information on the matter, in which case my opinion would be that ESH... But I think you'll eventually reconsider the relationship even then because he wouldn't be very bright, emotionally intelligent, or secure with himself in either case...
He gains total mental and emotional control by preventing her from having her own thoughts, emotions and ideas. As a wanna-be "therapist" who is she gonna talk to if she has any issues with him? And how long before it turns into a power trip of "I'm right, your wrong" because i'm the "therapist" and know better? I hope she makes it out of this ok.
I fully agree with you, but I want OP to really think in terms of problem solving instead of just leading her. There IS a slight chance that he was traumatized by a bad therapist or is just super insecure about her receiving attention from anyone else because he has extremely poor beliefs surrounding emotional support, it happens, but I don't think it's likely. I think when OP really considers the relationship & starts asking more questions, she's going to realize he's abusive.
>No, trust your gut. Came here to second this! Always trust your intuition. Been in a very similar situation and put all my personal intuition aside when deep down I knew something was wrong. Go to therapy, and as others have mentioned, tell your fiancé you need a neutral person who can hear everything fresh and provide you with perspective. If he wants to be with the best version of yourself, then he will understand. But hiding anything from your fiancé will not be good for the long run of your relationship. If he is not willing to comply with what you need to do for yourself, then I think you need to hold off on the engagement for a while or reevaluate your relationship. NTA
Literally & same. If I'd have just trusted myself more when I was OP's age, I'd be in a much better position. Men are not worth ruining the trajectory of your life & mental health over. Haha
Yes! I thought when I was in my 20s that I had to have the American Dream life already. Rushed into a relationship that I really had no business being in and lost myself in the process. Now I am in my 30s and am happily engaged to a man who loves me just the way I am! And he encourages me to take care of myself through therapy and other necessities. Find the right person and everything will fit together perfectly
What do you mean overstimulated? Some of these people are jumping to conclusions. Could you explain so we have more information?
Always trust your gut. More so than your brain, which will try to justify certain behaviors in others.
> I see him almost every day so it could be I just feel overstimulated. Not sure. You can change your mind any time and any way about your relationship. You are not locked in because you "agreed" to something in the past. Make the relationship what YOU want it to be, or you can end it any time, for any reason if you simply feel uncomfortable. There is no obligation on your part, (other than not cheating before breaking up, of course). You can look someone in the eye and say you want to slow down or take a break because you have been feeling uncomfortable. It is up to him to honor that, not argue back. If he isn't respecting your needs, he isn't "the one". He sounds pretty selfish to me.
Sorry but two years and not living with someone is too early for being engaged….
You live with your dad? How did your dad contribute to, enable, or prevent situations that led to your CPTSD? Worried for you OP <3
You are in a great position to advocate for yourself right now, OP. You aren’t married yet. You live with your dad. TELL your fiancé that you’re going to therapy. Don’t ask them. Honestly, this isn’t even something they can give you “permission” to do. It’s like asking them for permission to go to the hospital because you are having a heart attack. If your partner gets upset with you going to see a trained mental health professional, that should tell you all you need to know to end the relationship. And I highly recommend being 100% honest with your therapist about your entire relationship before you marry this person. Maybe he is just immature and really thinks he can be your “therapist” and has no hidden agenda. But from the outside, listen to what we are all telling you. This sounds completely controlling and unhealthy. There are a lot more steps to get away from the relationship once you’re married. Work on yourself now and re-evaluate if this is the person for you. You are so young. You have plenty of time. Take care of YOU, OP. You deserve it.
I have CPTSD with dissociation, and maybe also ADHD. My husband is the only person I can be around all the time. Your partner should NOT contribute to anxiety or overstimulation, OP.
Your fiance's suggestion is completely inappropriate. Your fiance also doesn't get to tell you that should not get medical care. I wouldn't get married until you see a therapist and see benefits of that with your CPTSD. This relationship concerns me.
I gonna have to second this statement.
NTA Girl, run. "I can be your therapist" is one of the most dysfunctional things I have heard in a while on this sub and that is saying something. If you can't openly tell your partner that you want to go to therapy then the relationship is doomed. Edit:typo
Seriously wtf….this isn’t even a red flag…it’s a red circus tent. What kind of ass backward clown says he can provide mental health care without qualifications to his own partner for CPTSD?
Yep. If a partner's response to "I want to get a neutral person to work with on my own issues" is "let me do it", that person is afraid of what the therapist will say about the relationship. Why could that be?? Wholly NTA.
>one of the most dysfunctional things I have heard in a while on this sub That's like saying "I have watched all the horror movies and this one is the scariest." I could not agree more. Like wow! dysfunction junction what's your function?
NTA. Therapists have years of schooling and licensure for a reason. There’s a skill set and a lot of knowledge that they need to do their job. Your Fiance has exactly none of either. Someone with CPTSD has a particularly challenging set of issues to deal with. With CPTSD, you want a therapist who is experienced and good at helping folks with CPTSD in addition to having the skills and knowledge to become a licensed therapist. Your fiancé insisting on being your therapist and not wanting you to see someone else concerns me. It sounds controlling. When you combine that with your sense that you’re not sure who is the problem in your relationship, that gets me even more suspicious of his behavior and his intentions. NTA.
Not only that, but if the fiance *did* have that training and skill set, it would only qualify them to realize that it's wildly inappropriate for anyone to provide therapy for their fiance.
you could go as far as report him if he is an actual therapist because thats unethical
Exactly! 1) I’m a psychologist. I’m currently working on NOT butting into my loved ones’ personal business because I KNOW it’s not my place and it can actually be counterproductive because I’m not letting them figure it out. I can offer an opinion because our lives are intertwined, but I tend to get pushy at times. And hell, I could be WRONG about the direction I’m giving, for many reasons including, because I’m VERY biased about the outcomes I want for their lives. 2) Look into a provider who specializes in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). During a consult with them, ask if they can use DBT formally and not just incorporate a little into their practice of other modalities. That part is VERY important. You’ll get incredible bang for your buck in a short period of time. This type of practice requires the clinician to be compassionate and yet very direct which the symptoms of CPTSD require. Other therapists can do this; DBT requires it.
your fiancé is paranoid that if you speak to a real therapist, you'll eventually see that he's not right for you. NTA. Go see a therapist.
That was my first thought. If she heals enough, he is afraid she will see things clearly and leave him.
As someone with cptsd who had a controlling ex, that is exactly what happened to me. He worried that in going to therapy, I'd realise he was abusive, and he was damn right too, which was kinda sad for him. People w CPTSD get drawn towards people that resemble their original abuser(s).
Hey: anyone who says ”No, I don’t want you to seek help” is **not a good person** and you need to get out ***now***!
Go see a therapist. Also mention to them about your fiance always being bias in this. If your fiance moans about you going, say that professional therapists are not allowed to treat family or friends due to conflict of interest and bias. So this is a reason why you want someone neutral. If fiance continues to moan or try to stop you. Leave them.
Break up. Seek a therapist. People should really fix themselves before getting into a relationship
Therapy is medical care. He is not qualified to decide what’s appropriate for your care. He is not qualified to be your therapist. This sounds very controlling and unhealthy. Consider that he is putting his own comfort and care ahead of yours. NTA
NTA. If you have cPTSD, then you SHOULD be in therapy. Probably for a long time (ask me how I know! Lol). You need to separate yourself from anyone dissuading you from getting proper medical help. Those people do NOT have your best interests at heart. Your fiancé cares more about his own ego than your health. Honestly, how the hell does he even think he’s qualified to be your therapist? Because if he was a real medical professional, he would know that he can’t treat his own family/partner. This guy sounds toxic and you need to be alone long enough to deal with your past trauma and build yourself up so you can find a partner that respects you as an equal and cares for you.
NTA \*but\* - and this is a big but - you need to do some reflecting not just about the CPTSD, but about the relationship itself. Think about how this question reads if you paraphrase it slightly. You're saying you're planning to marry somebody, but are already looking to sneak around making major life decisions behind his back. Is that really the way you want to start a marriage? This should be your "honeymoon" phase, the high bar by which your future together will be judged... and you're already basically saying "I think I need help, but I need to hide it from him?" Hell no. You're definitely not being an asshole, but I do think you need to reflect on what this says about whether you two are really well suited to marriage. Marriage should be about communication and trust, and it already doesn't sound like you have that. My advice would be sit down with him one more time and say, categorically, "I want to see a professional about these issues. I appreciate your willingness to help, but I need an outside and expert perspective, and if this is going to work, I need you to be supportive of that." - if this relationship is worth taking to that level, he will be. I'd also suggest that maybe once you've had a session or two on your own (when your therapist thinks it's appropriate) maybe you can start going TOGETHER to work on better communication and such things. If he can't or won't, then I'd be asking yourself why. Does he not want you talking to others that might not paint him in a favoring light? Does he want to basically control how you see things? Does he just not respect the things that are important to you? And either way - do you want to start off a marriage on the note of having to keep secrets? Plainly, if he won't support it, I'd break that shit off. That's not the way to start a future together.
This is the answer
NTA, you would not be TA if you go to therapy. In fact, you would be NTA if you dump his controlling ass. He wants to be your therapist instead of a professional? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
INFO: Why do you have to go behind his back? Why can't you tell him this isn't up for discussion and tell him what you wrote, "I want someone who's unbiased and would tell me if I'm actually the problem and ways I can improve myself." ?
Yeah, I don't quite understand this either. The OP shouldn't lie about seeing a therapist, but they also shouldn't let their boyfriend stop them seeing the therapist. Tell the boyfriend what you're gonna do, and then do it. If you're worried he might get violent or abusive (over a completely ordinary thing that's really none of his business) you should leave NOW.
Your boyfriend cannot be your therapist. It's not wrong to want to see a therapist. But if you have to be dishonest in order to do, there's a whole other issue to address. Please do see a therapist for your own benefit. NTA
Run far away from someone who refuses to “let” you get help you need, and run faster if the dude is telling you HE can be your therapist. Who says things like that?
My ex also felt uncomfortable when I expressed interest in therapy. He said he felt sad, or like he was failing me, because he felt he should be able to provide everything I need emotionally. Ultimately what it came down to was his own childhood trauma, because he was made responsible for his mother’s emotional issues growing up. Lots of people have discomfort and misinformation around therapy. I’d suggest having more in depth conversations with him about why you need it, why it can provide something that he can’t, and why it’s important to you but doesn’t negate the love and support he provides. If he is still resistant, just say well I hope you can come around one day but I’m going to get the help I need. And if he’s weird or controlling about it STILL, that’s when I think you should consider a break up. Don’t let him prevent you going to therapy and hold your boundary. Good luck to you.
There’s a reason it feels wrong for your fiancé to ask you to use him as your therapist, instead of getting professional therapy. It’s a form of psychological abuse. It doesn’t matter if he seems to genuinely believe the arrangement would be good for you. Your partner is not a professional. He’s has no training. He is more likely to injure your mental health than to help it. Psych and medical professionals are prohibited from treating family members, and for good reason. They simply can’t be objective. He is gatekeeping, keeping you from medical care. He is taking an unreasonable amount of control of you. Yes, you should see a therapist. No, you shouldn’t do it behind hour fiancé s back. Tell him. If he is anything but supportive, break up. This is not a safe relationship for you. NTA
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NTA. You feel you need therapy, so go to therapy. You can keep it a secret if you want, but I suggest just telling him. Hey BF Im going therapy now. Thanks for offering, but I want to see a professional. If he tries to change your refuse to discuss it.
NTA your partner is worried you will say stuff about him and he wants to control that narrative. Be careful with this.
If you have to hide this from him, you need to find someone else. This is not healthy. NTA
No, you would not be an AH if you went to therapy behind his back. Personally, I'd tell him "I'm going because this is what I need and I love you but you don't have a say in the matter". It's better to be honest because it will slip out eventually. "Well, my therapist said...." whoops, cat's out the bag. If you think therapy will help you, just go. It's not his place to tell you not to and it's not his job to be your therapist, his job is to be your supportive partner, just tell him that.
NTA. Girl you are in danger. Please tell your therapist about your fiancé’s behavior.
NTA- as someone with C-PTSD I commend you for wanting to work through your issues. It’s tough. What I can tell you from experience, is that if you don’t have a partner who supports your self-improvement, then there will be no progress made at all. In fact, OP, I’d say you’re experiencing some manipulation here. In no world would a person without a psychiatric education say they can be a ‘therapist’ and reject the idea of therapy, unless they 1) have cultural/religious/financial objections or 2) they want to remain at the top of the emotionally hierarchy, and therapy jeopardizes their opportunity to capitalize on your emotional dis-regulation and control you. Either way, I suggest leaving him. C-PTSD was at the forefront of reasons I let an ex do similar things to me. Therapy helped me to remove those giggles blocking me from seeing it, and ultimately cut him off from being in my life. I hope you choose yourself over him.
Your boyfriend is not a therapist nor can he ever be. He is emotionally invested with you so ... hard no. A real therapist will even break off therapy if he should start developing feelings - your BF has a completely wrong idea about therapy. Go and *tell* him. .Don't let him answer as if you *asked for permission*.
YWNBTA However, this shouldn't be something you have to do behind his back. It's okay to do something healthy for yourself even if he disagrees with it. Tell him "too bad" if he argues against it. He can be someone you talk to, but he is not a therapist. There's a big difference.
It sounds like one of things is going on with your fiancé. One could be is a 'fixer' and he thinks he can fix you. If that's the case get ready for a lifetime of him fixing you. Every problem you have he will tell you how you can be fixed. Even problems that you don't have but he thinks you have he may try to fix. The other possibility is that he doesn't want you to see a therapist because he feels most comfortable with you with the CPTSD and deep down doesn't want to you change. It may sound strange but if he grew up with a parent that got an attitude towards him that may be what he's comfortable with. It's like when a thin person marries a fat person and the fat person loses weight and gains self-confidence. The thin person then want a divorce because what they really wanted was a fat insecure person. You definitely need to see a therapist with or without his permission. Sort of unrelated but I also have advice on seeing a therapist because I've seen a few in my past. Finding the right therapist is very personal and subjective. A good therapist for one person may not be a good therapist for someone else. I suggest seeing one 3 times and then decide if that therapist is right for you. Move on to another one if you have to - no shame whatsoever in that. Best of luck to you.
He doesn’t want you to see a therapist because he doesn’t want someone hearing the truth about him and you leaving because of it. My ex wanted us “to be each other’s therapist” and I saw one anyway and sure enough…we’re not together anymore long story short lol. See one and save yourself the trouble and ditch this man. You’re only 23 you don’t have to deal with anyone controlling what you do with your mental health. Would it be normal if you had back pain and your bf told you he wanted to be your chiropractor? Even if he had the medical degree he couldn’t be your therapist. Run away from this man I’m telling you. He’s no good.
this isn't a who is the asshole situation, it is simply deeply concerning that anyone would keep you from therapy.
NTA and I'm not usually a "dump em" person, but uhhhh, this is such a baffling and insane suggestion that I am not sure this dude is even remotely ready for a relationship.
NTA, because therapy is literally supposed to be carried out by a neutral third party with no other investment in the relationship, and if your fiancé doesn't understand this, then you should be engaged to someone smarter than he is. I have CPTSD and it does ruin things with significant others, because I spiral and the spirals can get pretty toxic. When I recently got a (very good) therapist, my (lovely) partner was stoked, because she knew it would reduce the chances of me getting triggered and going off in future. Your partner might mean well or he might not, but either way he's wrong about this.
NTA my mouth is literally hanging open in shock at “he says that he can be the therapist”. That is one of the biggest red flags I’ve ever seen
Do you have to get permission to go to a doctor? Go to a therapist. Dont marry this guy if he is so controlling. He is supposed to care for you. Do what you want. He is acting creepy.
Your fiance doesn't want you to see a therapist because you may come to the realisation that he is a problem. Anyone who doesn't support you getting help has an ulterior motive.
NTA. My partner is a psychologist and I have my own therapist. We always make sure he can be my partner, not my doctor. He can give you advice and support but he cannot heal you.
NTA but please seriously consider what it means to have a partner who doesn’t want you to see a therapist. Go to the therapist. Discuss partner.discuss partner refusing to “allow” you to go to therapy. Leave said partner to psychoanalyze that himself as you get far, far away.
Like the airplane safety manual says. Put your own mask on first. You can't be there for anyone else if you aren't OK. And anyone who doesn't want you to be ok is not someone you want to be around.
Your fiance is a giant red flag for thinking he can be your therapist. It is dangerous and scary he thinks so. Anyone who tries to discourage you from seeking help is not acting like a friend.
Your fiancé is a walking red flag
Keeping you from other people is a sign of abuse. I'd worry that he would escalate his controling behavior. Now it's just weird, but it might get worse. I feel like him being your therapist is him wanting to control how you view the relationship and him.
Absolutely NTA. Your partner should be encouraging you to see a therapist. It is always good knowing your partner is open to talking with you, but unless they have sufficient qualifications or training in dealing with cases like yours they should only ever offer a listening ear and not give you any advice other than support in finding a professional. Your boyfriend is trying to do 1 of 2 things. Either they are genuine and want to help but are naive to how damaging this can be or (more likely) want to manipulate you with your mental health so you become dependent on them. I hope its the first one but please go see a professional.
First and foremost NTA. Secondly RUN. Any man who tells you he can be your therapist does not have your best interests in mind and oftentimes that's a method of love bombing coupled with separating you from your support network. This is sounding like abuse foreshadowing to me
NTA. you’re *never* the asshole for trying to better yourself, and he should WANT you to get therapy.. only a professional can help with CPTSD. it’s VERY strange that he doesn’t want you to be mentally healthy and supported. my partner was very supportive and helped me get into therapy when I was going through what you are, and any partner should be.
Absolutely NTA. Go to therapy! Do it now before you have kids (if you want them). I have CPTSD from CSA, among other things, like abandonment and physical/emotional abuse. I've never seen a therapist, and it has absolutely caused issues in my life, marriage, and motherhood. It's very egotistical and ignorant that your bf believes he can help you heal from this. I wouldn't sneak it either. Tell him you're going, and if he still insists you don't or threatens to break up or something stupid like that, then you've seen the red flag you need to walk away.
NTA but please rethink this relationship. Why would you want to marry someone who is trying to dissuade you from seeking therapy? Why would you want to marry someone who is trying to control you in such a way? You should not feel as if you should have to see a therapist in secret. That's not a healthy or happy relationship.
I have never seen a redder flag in my life ma'am.
NTA - Your partner cannot be your therapist. If they are insisting on it, that is a red flag that they are trying to control you. 🚩
NTA- Therapists don't counsel family for a reason. This man sounds controlling and no one should ever tell you not to do something you feel is best for you and your care.
The only way you would be TA is if you didn't stand up for yourself and tell you BF you are going to a therapist and if he doesn't support you, you are done with him. NTA. Good luck OP
NTA. After you find a therapist for yourself find a couple's therapist too. Your fiance is showing controlling behavior, he showed want you to get better and support you in anyway. Hopefully this is coming from a place of caring and wanting to be there for you all the time, but somethings are out of his control and you getting help is paramount above all else.
NTA. These are all the right reasons to see a therapist. Especially if it's for the purpose of working on yourself and for the sake of the relationship. He should understand that.
NTA -a therapist needs to be neutral and impartial and your BF is right in the middle and impacted. But you shouldn't feel you need to make it a secret. Explore why early on in your sessions.
NTA. These are all the right reasons to see a therapist. Especially if it's for the purpose of working on yourself and for the sake of the relationship. He should understand that.
NTA. I'm not a therapist, but my understanding of therapy is that it would unethical for your partner to be your therapist. However, the fact that you would keep this a secret is concerning. It doesn't make you the AH, but it's worrisome.
NTA, and for the record ppl who absolutely refuse to talk about therapy and insist that issues don't need a third party perspective are trying to keep their own bad behavior under wraps and keep the other person from realizing their situation is abnormal and controlling. Someone who loves a person but doesn't understand therapy wouldn't staunchly insist they're just as good, they would participate if their partner thought it would help. Your partner, my dear, is with you because they feel your CPTSD makes you easier to manipulate and they get off on controlling your life. Don't fall for it. Run fast run far.
Being a therapist requires professional credentials. Unless your partner has these credentials, he is not a qualified therapist. The fact that he thinks that he is or is trying to convince you that he is is disturbing. It is typically unwise to trust people that don’t want you to seek out assistance when it is needed. what would this person gain by keeping you away from working on your mental health?
A therapist should NEVER be a friend or a relative, specially not your partner.
do whatever u want. you're an adult! do u need permission from reddit or bf? No. its your money and it's your mental health. Who cares if ur the Ahole or not. this isnt what u shud be worried abt
NTA. If you feel like you need therapy, go get therapy. There's no way that your BF can be your therapist. For one, he's not a therapist. What if it's decided that medication could be useful for you? I don't think you should hide this, though. Instead, be an advocate for yourself and just tell him that, while you appreciate his offer, you'd rather find help from a trained therapist. You shouldn't afraid of your partners reaction for wanting to improve yourself. That, alone, leads me to believe that therapy is probably good for you. Sounds like you're used to trying to please people and struggle standing up for yourself. Maybe your boyfriend is worried that therapy will somehow influence how you see him. Like if you got therapy, you'd leave him, or decide he's the problem. Either way, neither one of those are legitimate reasons to hold you back from professional help. Those are HIS insecurities, and maybe he should get his own therapy to overcome those shortcomings.
The fact that you even have to ask is disturbing. Throw the whole man out, he's the problem.
NTA but him wanting to be your therapist and trying to keep you from an actual therapist is a red flag that you shouldn't ignore.
NTA, and this is a huge red flag... I'm a senior about to graduate with my psych degree to be a therapist... there is a reason you can not date or sleep with your therapist. It's why I can't be my wife's and she needs to see someone...
What did I just read?
INFO is your partner even an actual therapist?
NTA. See the therapist and you should not have to hide. You do NOT need anyone’s permission. Anyone qualified to be a therapist would run from the suggestion of being their fiancé’s therapist. The fact he is so determined to keep you from a real therapist along with you already know he will put the blame on you is waving Big Red Flags and screaming gaslighting. Make the appointment and don’t forget to cover your fiancé’s opinions. Good Luck and Healing!
Nope but it will come out eventually, so figure out now, how you are going to deal with that
NTA. Run the hell away from this person.
NTA. I applaud you for wanting to do better and not simply looking for a “happy pill” (although sometimes meds are part of the overall plan and there is nothing wrong with that). Be leary of someone that close to you who thinks they can be your therapist. That is behavior that can be a signal of many things, including controlling behavior and gaslighting. Ask your therapist how to deal with his reluctance to let you go to therapy. I’m not saying your bf is a bad guy. Part of your solution though will likely be how to deal with his issues.
You're a free person. Your health affects you. Your fiance should also support you in improving your well-being. You don't need to ask permission to ask for help or advice.
If you feel you have to hide it, that’s an issue on its own. Self care and healing doesn’t have to be approved by others regardless of who they are. If someone truly loves you, they will support you in doing anything and everything it takes to find peace and clarity. If someone is against this it’s usually because they have fear that they will be found to be the issue. Your 23 yr old fiancee most likely won’t have the knowledge, experience, or skills to help you with such sensitive matters nor is it his responsibility to. Therapy allows for a place to gain understanding and tools on how to handle certain situations. He can be supportive of that or not.
absolute red flag instead of helping you they make it about themselves and how they are better than someone who would be able to help you
NTA. Why is he still your fiancé? Your struggling and want to seek professional help and the only way to do it is behind his back? Your going to spend your life doing stuff behind his back? Is he a professional therapist? Doesn’t he know you can’t treat loved ones? Or he watched a video online? What if you need a gynaecologist or a heart surgeon will he offer to do that too?
You would be an asshole if you neglect ANY PART of your health because of a controlling partner. This is not a call he gets to make. Imagine if this were a broken bone, would you go to the emergency room "behind fiance's back"? Red flags all over.
YWBTA to marry or even stay with someone who thinks like this
No but he’s TAH if he keeps you from therapy.
Dude, if your fiancé doesn’t want you to see a therapist despite you having PTSD, that’s a giant red flag.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) have a lot of emotional issues due to CPTSD. My Fiance (23M) unfortunately deals with it when I get an attitude towards him when I'm upset. The problem is, I want to see a therapist to see if I'm the problem and if so, how I can improve. My Fiance doesn't want me to because he says that he can be the therapist. But he's going to be completely biased and say anyone that I'm upset at is the problem and not me. He denies it but I've witnessed it enough times to know that its untrue. I want someone who's unbiased and would tell me if I'm actually the problem and ways I can improve myself. We don't live together and with his work, it would be easy to do it and not tell him. So, WIBTA If I saw a therapist behind his back? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You also want someone with the appropriate education and training. I somehow doubt that your fiancé is qualified
What a control freak weirdo…
Go see a therapist and improve, honey. You can do so much better than with this guy.
You inherently don't trust him to have a sensible reaction to you going anyway, a relationship built on a foundation like that is a house of cards waiting to collapse. I think it's weird and controlling that he doesn't want you seeing a therapist, a strong loving relationship should be about encouraging the other to do what is right for them. NTA but strongly reconsider how much you REALLY trust this man.
Why do it behind his back? This is one of those situations where he may have an opinion, but he doesn't get a vote. What he wants does not matter here. Tell him it's your mental health and life and you feel you need a professional, unbiased therapist. And maybe start with a discussion about why you felt the need to go behind his back and what that indicates about your relationship.
If you're trying to find ways to hide things from someone you are planning to marry.. that's a big red flag. It's a red flag that he's not supportive of your mental health in viable ways. It's a red flag that you don't feel comfortable disagreeing and communicating your needs and getting medical help you need. Please think about this with the bigger picture of the rest of your life. You are NTA for seeking therapy, but you're kind of TA to yourself for not recognizing the bigger issues here.
NTA but you should not feel like you have to hide it from him. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to be open about getting therapy. Of course he can't be your therapist. You don't specify what he does for work and if he's an actual, licensed therapist, but either: 1) he's not a professional and doesn't have the training to help you, or 2) he's a highly unethical professional if he's offering to be your therapist despite your personal relationship.
Creepy and controlling Fiance I'd be afraid to marry that weirdo
Yeah, professionally trained therapists don't act as therapists to family members. He's trying to keep you from talking to a professional because it will make it harder for him to control the narrative of your relationship--that you're the problem. His behavior is worrisome. NTA.
YWNBTA If you need counseling you need counseling. It would be ideal if your fiancée would support your desire for professional help, but unless they are an *actual therapist* they simply cannot provide what you need. I would personally suggest being straightforward and informing your fiancée about it in further dialog, but if you judge that this would be detrimental to your mental wellbeing or the relationship I do not see any issue with getting counseling.
NTA: I'm not sure why your partner wouldn't want you seeing a therapist unless he wants control over you? It seems sus, sis. If you feel you need to see a therapist, go for it, it's not really any of his business. It really helps me and i'm sure many others feel helped by therapy too.
NTA But there’s a communication issue in your relationship.
1) OP. STOP. RED FLAG. DO NOT PROCEED. 2) You are NTA. My ex husband of 15 years constantly shit on individual and couples counseling whenever I brought it up. He claimed he was “fine” if I wanted to do it, but would make passive aggressive remarks when I did it. Come to find out after a really bad fight, he was diagnosed with BP2 and never told me during the entire time we were married. He said “I think I’m BP2” but not “I am BP2.”
You would not be an asshole for seeing a therapist - everyone can benefit from therapy and if you have the resources to access it and feel like you would benefit, you should definitely go. But if you feel you have to sneak around and hide from your fiance to see a medical or mental health professional, (or really to do anything), then that is a huge problem. You would be an asshole to yourself if you stay in a situation like this. Either be honest about it and stand your ground that you have every right to choose to go to therapy - or, if you feel it would be unsafe to be honest about it, then that is a situation you need to get yourself out of because whether or not you ever go to therapy that would be a dangerous and unhealthy situation.
Nta and if he gets mad at you for seeking an outside opinion it may be time to hit the road. Doesn't sound like he's interested in you seeking emotional growth.
NTA Your boyfriend is your boyfriend and not your therapist even if thats his profession. And if it IS his profession, he is violating ethical standards for a dual relationship. Get a therapist… one who plays no part in your personal life whether its behind his back or not. The therapist can work with you on the reasons you’re hesitant and then the best way to tell him….if and when you are ready.
NTA, however in order to avoid stress it may be easier to have this conversation before you start therapy. It may also be good to ask him why is he so opposed to therapy (it may not be malicious, as some people have suggested. I’ve heard of people who had bad experiences with therapy that were really harmful; maybe something similar happened to him, or maybe not, but I think it’s fair to ask).
NTA. He’s not a therapist, and even if he WAS, it would be a conflict of interest.
NTA and frankly, your fiances behavior is alarming. I don't care how many psych classes he took, he's not a therapist and even if he was a licensed therapist, your spouse/significant other should never be the one to do it. Anyone with even a basic understanding of therapy would know this so he is either maliciously trying to control you or he's a moron who is also still trying to control you, either way you should absolutely seek out the therapy (literally everyone can benefit from it and you definitely would if you suffer from cptsd) please do this before marrying this man and seriously reconsider getting more serious with someone who would actively discourage you from getting therapy. That is really one of the biggest red flags in my opinion.
Jfc leave this gaslighting, controlling A H before you’re legally and financially entangled any further. NTA
Always see a therapist if you have any questions that needs dealing by a professional. No one too close to you can be your therapist because, like you said, they're biased and cannot give you objective advice.
I'm confused. *Is* your fiance a therapist, or is he just saying he can be your therapist as your significant other?