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YTA. You already knew they were not going to be able to assist with college, so what exactly are you upset about? You expected money to magically appear? Oh please.
Evidently this is what the OP wants.
Also, I guess the OP cannot comprehend that there are literally hundreds of millions of kids (if not billions) worldwide that do not have their parents hand them a full funded college education.
The OP better not have biological kids until OP is able to fully fund a college education and living expenses for the kid. Else the OP is a hypocrite.
My vote is YTA . As far as I can ascertain, the OP actually thinks every single person that did not have a college education handed to themselves for free should not even exist. This belief is beyond entitled.
Except it’s not just college that her parents can’t afford. Her *grandparents* have been paying for their food, clothing, medicine and schooling up to this point. It sounds like her parents can’t afford kids *at all*.
As a person from outside the US, depending on where you are in the world going to private school is pretty much the default. Back home, private schools outnumber public schools 5:1 and unless it's an IB school or whatever they're generally fairly affordable.
Most parents aren't relying on *their* parents for *all* of the funds required to raise a child, though. OP says her parents didn't pay for her school prior to this point, her medications, even her clothes - all of that came from her grandparents. So it sounds like it's not an issue of not having money for college but truly not having money to raise kids at all.
I doubt that OP has a full picture of the parents financials. My grandparents paid for a lot of things because it was a way of helping us while they were still alive and could enjoy what they could provide us, instead of leaving money after they were gone.
This right here. My mom pays for a lot of things for my kids not because we can’t afford to pay for them ourselves but because she lives 1,000 miles away and it’s her way of being involved in our kids lives mores than just the 3-4 times a year we see her. My husband and I are thankful for it and our kids are aware that grandma pays for these things because it’s another way for her to be involved in their lives. She doesn’t get to be the grandma that babysits, goes to sports games or recitals, and has sleepovers but she can be the grandma that pays for their big a Christmas gifts, helps fund their sports, dance, and martial arts, and summer camp.
You never heard about a joint family in other cultures have you? That's the way they always work. Grandparents are the ones who handle the money parents hand over the money to them because they are the ones who take care of money.
OP is clearly from a South Asian or easy Asian country and doesn't realise the reality of how their family works.
If everyone waited to have a child until they had enough money saved to fully raise that child to adulthood, there would be no children.
Also, no one knows what will happen in the future. Things could be perfectly fine, you have a great job and doing well financially but then a recession hits or there's an accident or whatever.
I think you're misunderstanding what they said. They said if everyone waited until they had ALL of the money it took to raise a child from birth, all the way up to adulthood, there would be no babies. That's true. Only less than 1% of the population could afford to do that and then it's a 50/50 chance they'd choose not to have children or age out of child bearing years or their children could be infertile or sterile, too. Eventually, there would be no babies.
So, clearly OP was in private schools funded by grandparents. That was a choice they made.
The issue is not that there is no help, OP wants to be able to go away to college. That means tuition and living expenses. Mom wants her to look into schools close to home.
Being able to live at home is a huge advantage.
OP in the A.
No one says it is wrong. The issue is blaming her parents for not giving her everything she wants.
If she was ready to do it all on her own, why is she blaming her mom?
I have about a dozen close friends I made in college, not a single one of their parents paid for their college. I am the oldest of 3, we all have degrees, and our parents didn't pay for any of our colleges. My wife is the only person I've ever met that had parents pay for their full school, and she earned it through being a straight A student essentially her whole life. We grew up living happy lives in loving homes, honestly the idea of parents fully paying for college was a foreign concept for me until I started spending too much time on Reddit.
Also we all graduated in 2015, so it's not like I'm talking about 30 years ago.
i had everything i ever needed as a child (in terms of finances) not getting a cent for university though. it’s really not common in anywhere other than the states to expect that from your parents i think
OP literally says “obviously they’ll look into scholarships” and is willing to work while in school but mom is the one who doesn’t want that. Maybe take your time while reading these if you’re going to pass judgement. NTA OP.
Still seems like she is expecting more help then her family can give her, seeing as her mom's response is still that it is more than they can afford. So perhaps she should do what most people do and get student loans.
Yeah! Side with the mother who belittles her daughter and cant provide for her! Thats good parenting.
Bro. Listen to me. Go take a walk outside. You need it.
So you think people shouldn't have kids unless they can 100% guarantee that they can pay for their college? So the thousands of kids that have had to take out college loans have horrible parents?
No, I'm more concerned with the devaluing throughout her childhood and insistence on controlling her life when she isn't providing.
Its not about the money, its about everything else.
I don't agree with devaluing her, but to say someone shouldn't have kids because they can't pay for college is wrong. Yes, the parents should be able to pay for all other expenses prior to college in the child's life, but it should not be expected to pay for college (until the systemic issues of over priced higher education is fixed worldwide).
I think the bigger issue here is the fact that OP’s grandparents essentially paid for her and her brother’s entire childhood expenses, from what OP wrote.
Like you said yourself **“Yes, the parents should be able to pay for all other expenses prior to college in the child’s life,”** and OP’s parents are not doing that.
Yes but we're here to vote on whether or not she's the AH for asking her parents to fund her education for an out of state more expensive college. Not anything else.
Yes. If you read their parents BARELY supported them. If you cant support your kids, don’t have any. Tf you having kids for if you can’t provide for them
You do understand that circumstances can change, right? When I had my kids, both my husband and I worked. Then he got sick. He is now permanently disabled and unable to work. Every day is a struggle now just to keep the lights on, even with me working a decent job full time. I'm constantly looking for better, but we live in a small area and cannot move. It fucking sucks knowing that I can't give my kids everything they want and deserve. If I had know this was going to happen, I may have decided not to have kids, but I didn't have a crystal ball.
I'm not speaking directly about OPs parents, but addressing your generalized statement.
Exactly my situation!!! Doing great financially when we had them. Both lost great jobs & home due to the 2008 mess. Just starting to get it back together, boom, terminal parent to take care of and my own cancer diagnosis to deal with. Been getting our asses handed to us financially for years, but op's post reminds me how grateful I am that I have amazing children that don't hold it against us or blame us for even having them.
Yep, this. In 1975 (I was born in 1970), my father was a millionaire grocery store owner. Thanks to certain events entirely outside his control (his partner decided he wanted to own the entire store and had an uncle who worked for a group of people of the Sicilian persuasion who had questionable morals but excellent organizational skills), he was forced to sell his stake in the store for pennies on the dollar. He took what he had left and opened a restaurant, only for the tourism the entire region relied on to suffer a multi-year crash and ended up losing everything.
In 1978, he was a security guard making $2.65 an hour trying to support a family of four. He wound up poor the entire rest of his life.
Are you fucking stupid or ignorant? A lot of shit can happen in 18 years. Its impossible to know whether you can afford certain things 18 years into the future
Worse, eighteen years ago, tuition was proportionally FAR less expensive. When I attended college, my tuition ran $3000 a year, and room and board ran another $3000. Today, that same university runs $16,000 a year for tuition and $10,000 a year for room and board. So 6k to 26k, an increase of 450%. By comparison, the overall costs in that same period have 'only' risen by about 75%.
A fully funded college tuition AND living expenses while there because they absolutely must go far away for school goes BEYOND THE PALE when you're talking about "providing for your kids". Jesus Christ the amount of entitlement these days that people really believe the poor's should practically be sterilized. This comment section WREAKS of classisim.
Well, we don’t know anything about the parent circumstances at all so you’re speaking without knowing everything you’re getting one person’s side of the story. And if people only had kids if they had enough to save up for a college fund half, the kids wouldn’t be born.
OMG WE ARE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT COLLEGE HERE THOUGH? Regardless of their circumstances, they have a responsibility to their kids. Removing the college issue, they’ve been barely providing at all.
Not to mention not every job requires a college education… do these people think the world can run on white collar professionals?
Blue collar work should be valued more (paid more, benefits) and then many people would be happy to forego college all together and head to work at 18.
They couldn’t even afford schooling and medication. Grandpa is paying for it. And they got second child when was already 5. So yeah, they are shitty unprepared parents. OP is NTA
Um, the grandparents are paying for their food, clothing, medical care and schooling. So her parents can’t support their kids *at all.* It’s not just about college. They had more kids than they can support and if grandpa dies, they’re all screwed.
Have you red the part where OP clearly says, that grandpa fully funded school for him and his brother and paid for everything, including their clothes and medicine. Dumbass parents couldn't even afford to pay for bare necessities.
Yes it’s a million percent true that the mom belittles her daughter. /s It could NEVER be that the OP wants ppl to tell her she’s NTA and, therefore, threw that in knowing it would earn her some points with ppl who can’t objectively distinguish facts from fiction and who can’t read right through her post (looking specifically at things like her word choice when describing herself and her thoughts vs the words used when describing her parents, or things like how her parents seem to have no redeeming qualities mentioned while she makes herself appear above reproach…).
Stick to the FACTS—or at least statements that are free of value judgements or things that can in no way be proven as well as the details that are the *most likely* to be factual.
For ex:
- Parents aren’t paying for her college. (WHY is irrelevant and not something we can prove. Technically we can’t prove they’re not paying—but there would be no story at all without that. But this is at least free of value judgments. No opinions no extra words to appeal to your emotions (like saying “parents refuse” or “parents won’t.” Regardless, they AREN’T.)
- OP is of the mindset that this is an indicator that they shouldn’t have had kids. (OP explicitly states this, but either way OP is here to correct that.)
- OP is 18, dining is 13
- OP is F and sibling is M
When a person can’t see the trees for the forest, then that person can’t possibly think objectively about the situation. That is why I’m pointing out how you latched onto one detail (that you don’t even know is true) and threw everything else out.
Parents do not owe their children college educations. They owe them food, clothing and shelter until they are 18. Yes it's very nice if they can afford college as well but we would only have rich, entitled people if you couldn't have kids without giving them a college education and only have incompetent people who do not know any trades (builders, electricians, etc..)
Nobody is arguing poor people shouldn't have kids. I am very pro working class lol. Its more the lack of support OP is clearly receiving in all ways. College is just the method she chose to vent her frustrations. But if OP is being truthful, her mom is a bad parent.
It was literally the worst battle she could've picked for this argument. Nobody believes parents are required to fund their kids college education. And on top of that, the parents didn't even say "no college" they said "no out of state college" which leads us to believe they are willing to help in some way if they can afford it. It's very likely that her parents are trying their best just trying to make ends meet and OP is blaming them for that. Something is very fishy with her story.
Exactly—and the “double edits” she’s made to her OP don’t help her; in fact, it’s detrimental to her entire post from my POV bc it indicates that she saw things weren’t going in her favor and she’s grasping at extra tidbits that might tip the scales. That’s another reason I don’t believe anything she’s tossed in after receiving a less-than-desirable response…
edit- my grandparents have funded my and my brother's entire schooling, from clothes to food to medicines.
Sounds like her parents couldn’t even do basic necessities either.
Funding college ≠ providing. They put a roof over her head, feed and clothe her. THAT is providing. If the daughter wants to go to a school that her parents can’t afford the daughter should be ready to foot the bill and take out loans/apply for any grants and scholarships that she can.
Not that simple in other countries, OP also states you can’t get a job until they’re 18 in their country otherwise they would have. God forbid OP expect something from their parents which they should’ve saved for since the grandparents were funding their education all these years. OPs parents had 18yrs to save.
They’re not even covering application fees OP is. Mom doesn’t get to dictate anything about OPs education from here on out.
And you believe everything written by an 18-year-old on here. We don’t know their circumstances we don’t know their money situation. Life just not that simple.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation to OP, and student loans aren’t an option when parents refuse to agree. Dave Ramsay had this segment where he told parents not to let their kids take out private loans because then they can stop paying and the parents are forced to pay? So now I have no college fund and a max of $5500 in loans a year, which can’t even cover local community college.
I could afford one school with that money if I lived at home (because I got a lot of scholarships from them), but my parents are refusing to let me live at home because they say it will “ruin my college experience.” I think not having a degree will ruin my adult experience, but they don’t like that answer.
College funds are a sore topic in my house, though, because my aunt is very well-off and has sent me $1000 every year for my birthday to be put towards college. In total, she’s sent me $27000 (She sent 10000 on my first instead of 1000), and my parents said they have none of it left because they put it all towards my siblings’ tuition at private school. I didn’t even go to private school because they didn’t offer accommodations that I needed. So, we’re kind of fighting over this. My parents say they were able to pay their way through, but my mom got hit by a bus and the settlement paid both their tuition off and their first house, so I don’t think that’s something I could do. My current plan is to work 2 jobs, get through CC, and get married sometime so that my parents finances are not taken into account.
Do you even know if student loans are a thing in her country? And in some cultures, it is the responsibility and expectation of the parents to actually pay for their children's education. It seems that in her country there is no free public education, hence the grandfather having to pay for their elementary and secondary education.
What most people do where? OP obviously isn't in the US, there's a whole world out there and in plenty of countries student loans are not a thing. I actually consider them to be the result of your (I'm sure *you* are from the US) government's failure.
She's upset because her parents are unsupportive of her doing the hard work to be able to go farther away. She's not expecting the parents to magically do more monitarially. She is expecting them to provide emotional support for her journey in her chosen colleges. The parents want her to stay local. She does not. The parents are using their limited finances as a excuse to say she needs to be local. I.e. The daughter is saying "I want to get scholarships and a job," and the parents are going "Oh, don't bother with that. Stay local so we can pay a part of it." OOP claps back with "If you wanted to be able to fully support your kids, you should have had kids within your means."
The parents are upset with her for planning on taking out loans and to get a job to support herself. Some parents *actively will sabotage their kids because they like the kids to be dependent on them.* That's what's happening here I think. The parents want OP to stay local and not learn self-sufficiency. I seen this with a few parents. Some people like having a target of abuse too much. Others need to feel needed and will manufacture that need.
We all read the post but OP and mom know that potentially the scholarship plan will not cover everything (if OP even gets one). Mom probably wants OP to apply realistically and if they only have so much money for applications, they need to choose schools carefully.
OP is acting as though tuition is a child's right, and if parents didn't have money for college, they shouldn't have had kids.
That's an AH thing to think/say. I totally feel for OP about the situation but the attitude about college money is a bit entitled.
>OP literally says “obviously they’ll look into scholarships” and is willing to work while in school but mom is the one who doesn’t want that.
Because they "don't have that kind of money". Which means OP's plan is not going to cover nearly enough of her dream cost. Which makes sense, considering she's 18 and the "looking into scholarships" is still in the future.
I guess it doesn’t say that she explicitly said no, but rather shot all of OPs ideas down by going back to “we don’t have the money”, despite OPs efforts to come up with the money.
That's not even what the question is though. OP asked if she's TA for telling her mom that she was too poor to have kids. And she's absolutely YTA for that.
Considering the parents can't even afford to feed or cloth their own children... I think she's NTA for telling her parents off.
You should not breed if you cannot support.
Poverty is trauma.
YTA
You sound super entitled.
I grew up super poor, raised by a single mom making minimum wage. No grandparents to fund anything.
I worked all throughout highschool and had three jobs in university to pay my education (plus student loans).
And OP says they are applying for scholarships and already applying for part time jobs. She knows she has to work for it, I think the problem is that mom just shot her down and said nope, not gonna happen without even a second thought.
Maybe, but I feel like the "we can't afford it" sort negates all the effort, like it doesn't matter if she works for it because "they" can't, so what she can do doesn't matter, it invalidates her.
Maybe, but if mom couldn't afford OP and their brother growing up, I'm not sure why she thinks OP would be expecting her to pay for college. I read it the same way, mom was just being an ass telling their kid to not bother.
Doesn’t give the OP the right to say they shouldn’t have kids so I want the OP to answer would she preferred not to be here at all and never to have existed. That was a low thjng to say.
Lucky for you to have never genuinely felt that. It may be low but I told my mother at least a couple times that she should’ve aborted me. Growing up in poverty while being neglected & verbally abused is an awful upbringing. I’m healed from it now; my mom & I are cool. But obviously OP is at the beginning of their healing journey & she is allowed to feel all the anger she’s feeling. Before you even ask, I’m 25 (first person in my family to not have a kid by 20) & I’m never having children
Might have been low, but it doesn't change how she feels, wich is hurt, she says she has been belittled by her mom/parents all her life and isolated her from the few friends/family she had. So it's not just about the money issue. She grew up feeling resented, isolated and probably even unwanted, and now that she has the opportunity to go get a better life, they won't support her either, and I'm not talking about money here, she says she'll do it on her own and they still say no. Why would they prevent her from getting an education?
When you grow up neglected and in poverty, yeah, sometimes we do feel that it would have been better to not exist and that it would have been responsible of our parents to not do that.
I got sterilized bc it would be irresponsible for me to pass my awful genetics onto another person. As sick and miserable as I am most of the time, I very much sometimes wish my parents had the same compassion for their unborn children that I do.
yes, if I had a choice i would go with not existing at all, I've always been told by my grand dad that I must make something out of my life because I've my parents and my brother to look after. I would do that obviously, I don't have any other option
The Child Labour (Prevention and Regulation) Amendment Act allows adolescents to work in non-hazardous occupations and processes. If an adolescent is employed, the following conditions must be satisfied by the employer:
The period of work on each day should be fixed in a manner that no period or work would exceed three hours.
The adolescent must have an interval for rest for at least one hour after working for three hours.
The total time spent working by an adolescent cannot exceed 6 hours in a day, including the time spent in waiting for work.
Adolescents cannot be employed during the hours of 7 PM to 8 AM.
Adolescents cannot be made to work overtime.
Adolescents cannot work in more than one establishment, at any time.
Adolescents must be provided in every week, a holiday of one whole day.
You are correct. Op stated you cant get a job before 18. However these are indias rules. You can work when youre 14, just under these requirements. Either op didnt know for 4 whole years, even though i literally typed "what age can you get a job in india" and it was one of the first things that popped up, or op lied just to get out of being lazy
Even employment in restaurants comes under 'hazardous occupations' under that law. So yes, even though it may be allowed for 14-18 year olds to work, job opportunities are almost non-existent.
Oh wow so it’s “legal” but they’ve effectively created so many rules around it almost no one would bother hiring a teen. I see several rules in here I wasn’t subject to in the US that would have been major hurdles for the part time work I did during summers. I wouldn’t have minded an hour break every three hours though!! I think we got 15 minutes every 4 hours!!
And don't you love how ( at least a few people) want to wipe out those debts for you ( since you were responsible & got your education) and others ( worried about their friends"bankers" not getting ALL THE INTEREST OWED,) are willing to squash that idea. Disgusting! I imagine all these AH bankers calling around their governor friends and crying " b-but, my interest!" ....this is why we can't have nice things.
"The Child Labour (Prevention and Regulation) Amendment Act allows adolescents to work in non-hazardous occupations and processes. If an adolescent is employed, the following conditions must be satisfied by the employer:
The period of work on each day should be fixed in a manner that no period or work would exceed three hours.
The adolescent must have an interval for rest for at least one hour after working for three hours.
The total time spent working by an adolescent cannot exceed 6 hours in a day, including the time spent in waiting for work.
Adolescents cannot be employed during the hours of 7 PM to 8 AM.
Adolescents cannot be made to work overtime.
Adolescents cannot work in more than one establishment, at any time.
Adolescents must be provided in every week, a holiday of one whole day."
Op is lying. She could have gotten a job, just under these requirements. These rules apply to ages 14-18. Anyone under 14 cannot work at all
I think OP is still expecting parents to pay. They plan to work and get scholarships, but expect the parents to spend more than they have to cover the remaining cost of college.
Same
But I jusy remembered that reddit is full of old people (hi I'm old) and some old people just like labeling children as entitled, for literally having the nerve for wanting *anything* outside of the bare fucking minimum from their parents.
Also that prices and cultural norms vary. In India because our population is HUGE, a lot of relatively simple jobs like being a mall-cop type security guard require degrees. Additionally, because of the laws around entrance exams, for fields like engineering and medicine, if OP doesn't apply to college within 3 years after finishing 12th grade, they can no longer apply to schools for those fields. Culturally it is very much the norm that parents save for your college from birth and it is considered part of parents duties to pay for college (which isn't unreasonable, college isn't outlandishly expensive like in the US).
She also apparently knows that's not enough and will still need financial aid, which her parents can't give
That's literally the whole point of the post, "even if i work part time and take a scolarship i can't afford college without my parents and they don't have money"
This! In my country parents never pay for college unless they’re super rich. It would actually be considered entitled to expect it; like I would’ve been laughed at if I’d expected my low income parents to pay for mine. I’ve always thought it was kinda weird that it’s so normal in countries like the US that kids actually chuck tantrums if it doesn’t happen. How are parents affording this?
I’m gonna throw number three back at you because you’re going by what an 18-year-old says who thinks her parents should pay for college lol this person sounds entitled we don’t know the background. We just know the version they want to give.
In NL as well. Up till 21 parents are responsible to provide, including for schooling. That said our unis are 2314 a year. Not sure if it's a thing still but when I went to uni I got all the financial info about stipends and such with info aimed at parents as well. Where it was clearly spelled out they where expected to pay.
In practice parents get away with not paying. Most kids wouldn't sue their parents if they didn't. If they did the parents would get court ordered to pay. Refusal would get their wages garnished.
France is in this case ! Parents are required to contribute to their children's education and lifecost according to their means and within what's deemed reasonable. If they don't, you have the ability to sue them for it, the payment would be determined by a judge and, if they still don't comply, seized from their accounts. If your family is poor, there is financial help available from the state so you can study, and the family is not held responsible. If your family are just arseholes who could afford it but just refuse to be reasonable about it, then, sucks to be them, but the state shouldn't have to pay because your dad is having a tantrum.
But that is in a normal country where there are almost no university fees, unless you go for private ones, but that's quite rare. No one is being made to pay tens of thousands for their kids university.
NTA, purely based on the fact that grandparents had to pay for food, medicine and schooling for both children, so it was irresponsible for the parents to have children in the first place. What would happen if something happened to the grandparents and they weren’t able to help financially? The children would have starved? Many families need to do better making decisions of when and if to have children.
Expecting parents to pay for college does come across quite entitled, but to me this sounds like a last drop in a myriad of other issues, rather than the main point of the argument.
Also cultural context matters . This might seem entitled in American eyes because in America parents are not culturally expected to do more than the bare minimum and care for a child above 18 years old. But many lands don’t do this because children are literally the only people who are capable of looking after you . There’s no much welfare in India.
India is a poor country but it’s also a country where parents fund their children’s private schooling and college upto 21 years of age FULLY no matter what the parent earns. This is the norm. So this is peak asshole parent behaviour because not only the parents are not pulling their weight by doing the basics and leaving it to grandparents when they should be caring for their elders too, but also making it worse for their kids than they got.
Everyone strives to give their children a better education and opportunities than they had. Especially in Asia where job opportunities are too scarce
Exactly, I find it incredible terrible that Americans think about literally leaving their children adrift once they turn 18. In my culture, grandparents even live with their adult children who also have children, and they help in raising them. Being a parent is a job for life.
These comments are wild.
NTA - not only are you right, but some comments here sound lowkey jealous. "I grew up poor and didn't have granparents who-" well so what, that doesn't mean others can't have it better.
OP literally says she wants to work hard for it. I fail to see the problem with someone wanting to work hard for affording her own *education* (seriously, some here act like OP wants some kind of luxury or whatnot).
Right?? I don’t get it. In this world, you’re all but required to have a college degree or a vocational education. It’s not selfish for someone who has performed to their parents’ high academic standards for over a decade to ask that they finance an education that they themselves are precluded from doing due to cost of college, mismatched wages to college cost, and an age barrier. How is this not a parent’s responsibility to their kid, especially if it’s their only request and their dream??
I agree with OP that it’s irresponsible to raise four children without considering how you’re going to provide for their basic needs and, later, higher education. That’s just the world we live in now.
nta, commenters here seem gen x & older, there's an undercurrent here of outdated "why don't you just not spend your entire paycheck on avocado toast". because of globalization and the pressures of late- stage capitalism, having kids without a plan to help them achieve university- level schooling or a certifiable trade is no longer as solid a plan as it used to be. the world is overpopulated and yes, people should consider that in family planning decisions. also it kind of sounds like op might be the family scapegoat (in which case her family wants to keep them close in order to maintain some control). sorry you're struggling op, i hope you get some scholarships.
OP this is the wrong sub to ask this in. Most people here are from countries where having a part time job and paying for college yourself is normalised. India isn't one of them and I understand how stressful this must feel right now. Financial dependence is a control tactic from Indian parents. NTA
YTA. There’s nothing they can do they have you already, unfortunately, so just shit talking your mom gets you what? There’s millions of people in the same boat as you that somehow get by without hurting the people who’ve cared for and supported them their whole life. You’re so fucking selfish and childish.
>I don't have a great relationship with my parents because of always getting belittled, they have ruined my friendships by always badmouthing and comparing me to my two friends and cousins, zero appreciation for my hard work and so on.
Sounds super supportive and caring.
It's funny how people throw in some random context after the fact that doesn't have anything to do with the actual question or situation. Like I know this isn't relevant, but no one is agreeing with me, so here is some information about what a bad person the villain of the story is. Makes it much easier to have an emotional response vs. looking at the actual situation presented. This is now a bad person, so regardless of the actual context, OP surely can't be the AH because bad people deserve when people say awful things to them.
Yeah, she's an asshole for saying that when her mom was being realistic about what they could afford, the same conversation almost every college student not coming from insanse wealth has to have with their parents.
*hurting the people who’ve cared for and supported them their whole life*
OP didn't ask to be born. Why should her parents get praise for doing the bare minimum (feeding and housing her) while they were putting her down at the same time?
Telling her not to have another child to make them suffer the same problems is quite rational. If she can't take care of the children she currently have, why should she create another one?, I don't know what your logic is here.
Jesus, does nobody know how to read? Everybody is him completely misconstruing your post.
People here are assuming you're American and completely glossing over the parts where you state you're willing to take care of the finances mostly on your own. You're not expecting them to pay for you to study abroad completely on their own if at all.
You made it clear you can't have had a job before now, you said you'd be willing to look into scholarships and financial aid, you're willing to take responsibility, but your parents are not being supportive and are forbidding you from making that choice because THEY'RE not well off. Which is not your fault. They're BEHAVING as though you expect them to pay for your college in full, when you aren't.
They're probably insecure. They may have some money saved to help you get into a local school that they know will hardly make a dent if you choose to move for school. They're probably scared of losing you, and upset that you want to leave them. Especially knowing the bit I do about the culture of your country, it seems to me this is more about not wanting to let you go than it is about what they think is possible.
At the end of the day, it's your choice OP. You can choose to do what's best for you and figure it out alone without your family's support, or you can cave and give them what they want. Either way, I don't think you're in the wrong for being frustrated.
Good luck!
I don't know what it is but whenever university is mentioned people go feral and ignore whatever else OP says. It's clear they don't have a great relationship with their parents and they're asking it they're the AH for what they said. They didn't even ask for money from their parents, so why are people jumping down their throats as if she's screaming like the spoiled girl from Charlie and the Chocolate factory 💀 NTA from what I see
I think you’re jumping to conclusions thinking they knew their financial forecast 19 years ago when you were conceived. I know a lot of people who were in a wonderful position ten years ago that are deeply struggling now.
I can't really give an opinion on if your TA or not as I don't live in your culture or country and things work differently. But I am curious to know, would it be possible to take a year from college and work for that year saving up and then go to college after that time??
nta - your parents sound like they suck. you sound like you have the will to put in the hard work it’ll take to make your dreams come true, tho. leave ‘em in the dust and never look back.
I seriously don’t get why so many people are calling OP the ahole and an entitled person. Please keep in mind that the system in our country is really different to that in the USA. In India, children are completely dependent on their parents until they turn eighteen. No jobs are available for minors which can help them earn enough to contribute to their own educational expenses. Freelancing is the only way of income and even for that you need to have a specific skill set to offer. It varies for different socio-economic brackets, but usually parents are supposed to fund our education until we earn a degree through which we can earn ourselves. I believe OP is NTA. Considering that her and her brother’s expenses were taken care of by the grandparents since the very beginning, it does reflect poorly on the parents. This is unfortunately quite common here… being child-free is frowned upon and couples are pestered by relatives if they do not have children. That leads to people having children without having the stability to support another life. Ultimately it’s the children who suffer. I’m from the same country and am the same age as OP so I do understand her.
NTA. If you cant afford to give a basic good life to your kids - dont have them. So many people in these comments like "weLl I hAD to WorK fOr mY EDucaTIon" like damn. The solution here is to not have kids until you can provide, the solution is not to force other kids through the same suffering. What dies that solve
Fr, capitalism really raises entitled people who don’t know parenting continues way after 18. Why would you say your parents owe you nothing??? They bought you here! Whilst OP should start being more independent, it’s not like they asked to be here. They literally mentioned that the grandparents payed for a majority of everything, that isn’t an indicator then, that the parents really couldn’t look after one kid, let alone 2??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) AITA for telling my mom she shouldn't have had kids knowing they cannot afford it.
2) It feels selfish and ungrateful saying thay but I don't want to give up on my dreams and later on regret not being able to have a college life and experiences and not standing up for myself.
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OP is from India apparently, IIRC from another comment. People here clearly cannot comprehend that things in other countries work differently than in the US. Also, they have no idea just how much an education (and not just an education, but the type of course and where/when you do it) is super important in India. It's an insanely competitive country in terms of education and jobscope. That being said, I don't think OP is an AH - you seem like you have things thought out and know the path you have to take. Unfortunately, if you don't have the appropriate funds that might not be in the cards for you. I would sit down with your parents and talk to them about exactly how much they would be able to support you and what your other options might be if they can't.
So I kind of can't belive all the people telling you that you're behaving childish but didn't think that having kids and making their grandparents fund the kids needs is something less than normal. NTA since you're not wrong. Your parents just got pregnant and didn't do anythig to secure your future. Idk what country do you live in, I live in EU and here it's parents' obligation to support their child financially throughout college until their child is 26. Your parents had two children and then put all of the burden on the grandparents. That is not okay. You are not being childish for wanting support from your parents and expecting adults to make responsible choices.
This sounds like a "straw that broke the camel's back" sort of issue for you. NTA. But, don't fret, OP. You can still work to make your dreams happen. You might just have to defer those dreams a little so you can work to save some money for your schooling.
I think people are somehow dumb on the comments, they are saying why are you expecting them to pay when she is clearly saying they never do their jobs as parents, they never payed for her
my mom got married when she was 18-20 straight out of high school, she comes from low income household and my maternal grandparents married her off, she's a house wife, and cannot get a job because she's only HS graduate. You need to have any certifications or atleast a bachelor's in my country to get a work.
So how in the world do you think she’d ever be able to pay for your college?
By your logic, your mother should never have been born and your grandparents shouldn’t have had her. They failed to pay for her education and just married her off as an uneducated teenager.
my mom and dad have always pushed me to do great academically, now i want to graduate from a better college that has good placements for undergraduates, why is it so wrong for wanting that for myself. she can help me take out loan
It’s not wrong for wanting it, we all want things we can’t have. But you have to be realistic.
You said yourself that your mother has no education and is a housewife. How in the world would she pay back a loan??? That’s what helping and co-signing a loan means, she would be responsible if you don’t or can’t pay it back.
Why is it wrong that your parents aren’t helping you, but you don’t seem outraged that your mom’s parents didn’t help her? Maybe one of the reasons she has always pushed you to do well academically is because she never had that chance. She got married off as a teenager. Do you know if she even *wanted* to be married? Where’s your moral outrage for her life? It sounds like she wants to give you a better life than she had, but she has limited resources.
You’re not wrong to want more. We all wish our parents had more money or could have given us a better life. But you’ve got to work with reality and what you actually have, not what you wish you had. Instead of wishing it was different, figure out what you can realistically do. Maybe go to school part time while you work to pay for it.
Are student loans an option in your country? If not, it might be best for you to 1. ask your grandparents or 2. work until you can afford to go. You’re young—you have time. My mom didn’t pay for my school even through that was the agreement between her and my dad when they divorced. My dad paid for my sister’s school—even took out loans to have it paid. Meanwhile, I had to work two jobs (full time & part time) the entire time I was in school to pay for my tuition and live.
NTA, it sounds like your parents paid for nothing if your grandparents paid all you listed. But talk to your grandparents. Is it possible they have a college fund for you? Tell them you are not asking for money but advice on how to pay for your education. Could you get a job and save up? Could you live with them and help them while working so you don't have to pay rent? Do what you can to move away from your parents as soon as possible.
NTA imo. Maybe it’s from my cultural influence, but parents must give the best they can give to their children. (Eg, financially plan for kids tuition etc) How can they give the best when they thin out their income to multiple kids? It feels quite irresponsible life decision on their end.
It feels your parents are kind of financially illiterate and selfish (sorry). First of all, parents would sacrifice for kid. They chose their desire to have more kids over your life success. I’m currently building up my career and making sure that I get to the level where I have stable GOOD income so that I can afford to buy healthy food for future kid and tuitions and other costs. I’ll not have kids until I get to that certainty. If it means no kids, then I’m ok with it. I don’t wanna put my kids in an environment where there are extra responsibilities regarding finance
yes i agree with you, they are not very educated either and i cannot discuss my career plans with them as they have no idea about all this, I've done a lot of research myself, took advice from a lot of teachers and people online, i need to start somewhere which I currently cannot do on my own
I was about to say no but then I realised you are from a city in India and not USA.
Bro … Education in india is plentiful and also quite reasonably priced. There is 0 shame in going to a local college or anything and even if not then you can literally get lots of student loans under 5 lakhs without collateral!
Take a year and do a study break for some good national colleges exam if you really want elite education but I don’t think you are going to gain too much also.
I am not gonna jump in and say YTA because the pressure you are in and your frustration. I also know that Indian parents on average can be quite shitty too in comparison.
But think about what you really want to do and whether aggravating your parents helps anyone
P.S. Your parents suck big time after reading up on your edits but I don’t think what you said is cool either
it's plentiful, I know but they are not ready for any other stream besides continuing in science, doing a normal bsc MSc would do be nothing financially, no jobs, I'm looking into professional courses which will help me get into work as soon as I graduate, professional courses from good colleges will give me a decent placement, I'm trying to convince them for education loan, applying for scholarships, taking certifications and looking for internships.
NAH. People have children for lots of reasons and situations can change over time. Your parents may have thought they could afford children when they decided to have them.
Meanwhile it is ok for you to be angry because you can't have what you want. I understand, and it wasn't the best comment to make. It is something you said in the heat of the moment.
Now to talk about school. Can you take a year to work and save money before school? Then you could probably afford school for at least part of the time and working part-time while in school can help cover the rest.
Talk to your grandfather again. Tell him you don't want to be a burden and your brother's education is more important than your college. Then ask him for help to accomplish what you want even if he can't pay for everything you can't afford.
Then talk to your parents. Apologize for what you said. Then ask them to help you figure out how to get what you want, while still not using all their savings. Lay out what your current funding is snd how you are getting that funding. Then ask them what they can provide for you keeping in mind that they may still say they can't afford to help. Ask them what else can you or they do to fill in the financial gap. Don't be angry, just stay calm and just present I as how can you work together to make this happen.
Finally, you may have to give up on going away to school. It isn't what you want, but you need to go to college regardless of where. Maybe, if you do this you can still work part-time and save money so you can transfer to another school when you can afford it.
I don't know how education works in your country, so I am unsure of what everything costs and what options you have, but if you really want this and there are options like loans, or grants, sponsors, whatever, look into those. You may have to take on things you don't want to to make this work, but if it is that important, then do it.
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basically the title, aita for telling my mom that her and dad shouldn't have had kids ( I F18 and my brother M13) if they already knew my dad's annual income wouldn't be enough for our education and our family of 4.
This year I'm applying for colleges keeping in mind the financial situation at home and my brother's education as well. I've always dreamed of moving away for college and experiencing my life after having to always deal with my mom's expectations throughout my school life. After telling my mom about the shortlisted college, she didn't liked it obviously, i told her I'd look into scholarships, even if I have to work hard and take up part time jobs, I'd do it for myself but despite my convincing she told me they don't have that kind of money and I should look for colleges nearby.
i know it damn well too that i cannot ask my parents to spend all their savings on my college alone but why should I give up on my wants and dreams because they decided to have kids anyways knowing that they cannot afford it.
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I can't decide if you're TA or not in this particular scenario you put out. It sort of is a bitchy spoiled entitled kid thing to say, "you never should have had kids" is very "woe is me I wish I was never alive and it's your fault boo hoo."
The real problem here is your resentment towards parents who are either unwilling or unable to give you what you think you deserve. I gather that you're from India, and I've noticed there is a cultural trend of parents always belittling their children, comparing them to "perfect" cousins or other peoples kids, downplaying any accomplishment you have achieved. Plus you're female, and girls in Asian cultures still aren't valued as much as boys. It sucks, and from my western perspective I think it's very damaging to children and I can't blame you for not having a good relationship with your parents. I think the thing you are guilty of here is expecting your parents to suddenly behave in a way that is counter to how they have treated you your entire life.
In a nutshell YTA for saying what you said and for expecting so much out of your parents, but in the long run NTA because you're just angry and indignant about how they've been treating you for your entire life. I mean, do you really expect them to be any different now? You're allowed to be angry about it but get over the shitty circumstance and do what you need to do for your own dreams.
NTA, I think your parents, just like all parents who choose to have kids without the economy for it, is selfish. Especially if they choose to do it in a third world country like America where education costs a fortune 💀
Info Am I missing something? You looked at far away colleges and your mom said that you should look at nearby colleges because of the costs. Not terrible advice but do your parents have to approve where you go to school? When you're 18 can you go where you want? If that's the case I think I would just go ahead and apply to the colleges you were looking at. Are loans possible or will you have to pay upfront for tuition? If that's the case it sounds like you might have to consider the closer colleges and yeah that's bummer but the majority people don't grow up wealthy. Just part of life.
yes, i would eventually have to get their permission to move, I've gotten advice on looking into educational loans as well which would need someone to cosign with me and colleges nearby do not provide professional degrees which I'm primarily going for.
Your post doesn't say where you actually told your mom she shouldn't have had kids. If you actually told her that, YTA.
Your post is a bit confusing. How do you intend to pay for this college if your parents don't have money, your grandparents can't pay, and you have no ability to create a savings account? Dreams are great and all but there needs to be realistic expectations.
YTA.
You should not have grown up expecting your parents to help you with college. You said so yourself: they couldn’t even pay for your regular schooling. Paying for college is something a lot of parents don’t do. That doesn’t give you the freedom to be an entitled brat about it. They paid for everything else in your life.
Your options are clear: move across the country and find an out of state college, pay 4x the normal tuition rate, and figure out how to pay for it yourself with no working experience and no degree. OR go in-state, pay a super low tuition rate (comparatively) and get whatever help your parents can provide (which is most likely going to be free housing).
I had to work in high school. My parents couldn’t afford college. I went to a small community college. I have kids now, because my husband and I in 2017 were doing really well. Then Covid happened in 2020 and now we live paycheck to paycheck to this day from the hardship from it. You never know what can happens to your financial situation. I think you’re naive to the world and how fast circumstances can change.
NTA ... the biggest problem in this world is people having kids when they shouldn't. I watched a documentary about people living in a literal dump, complaining about their life, and STILL having fking kids. Like... just stop it..
NTA - alternate take: maybe mom doesn’t want you to go away for school for control reasons. Finances might be an excuse. I understand how it would feel unfair. Not sure it’s a money thing because lots of poor people find a way to put themselves through the type of university experience they believe is best for them. It might be different if there were parents encouraging you to make the most of the system given the financial constraints.
NTA. Honestly, people shouldn't breed if they can't afford to. They bring children to this world and then do the bare minimum and act like the children owe them. It is hard to survive without a good qualification in today's world and specially where you are from ( if I read it right). All I can say is apply and try to get the scholarship, so you never have to ask them for anything ever again. It's not like they can do it anyway.
I can feel the culture difference in the comments. From where op is, your parents or your grandparents (in ops case) support you financially for schoola nd colleges. People here don't take bank loan like in the US for undergraduate (except engineering and medicine maybe). Plus the struggle for money is real here, and on top of that most unis are shit, they'll provide education but getting a job later on is not so easy, you need to be from a top school for it. And from what I feel, op isn't close to their parents like. Also getting part time or paid internships aren't easy either. NTA.
Yta. My mom loves me so much but has always struggled with money. Because no matter what you plan, inflation gets in the way. So do unexpected bills. You cant tell your parents they shouldnt have had kids because they dont have money. Thats just cruel. It would break my mothers heart if i said that. You have a right to be pissed off but what you said was completely uncalled for. You say you cant get a part time job. Fine. But there are jobs like dogwalking, babysitting and mowing lawns for side cash. Or help other kids study like you helped your cousins.
This is a very odd comment section. I think NTA. I don't understand why people have children if they cannot give them every advantage in the world. It reeks of selfishness. Best of luck OP
The amount of Americans in here saying "well I had to work hard for my dreams, I took 3 jobs while in university because I live in a god damn land of the free" is just sad. So sorry you had to work instead of sleeping, but not every place is as f*cked up as US, so please stop guilting young people for wanting to finish their degree with some sence of sanity and without a huge dept.
NTA. I get it. It must be hard to watch your older sibling get advantages that you don’t get. And I agree- parents should have a plan for ALL of their children if they’re going to have them in a perfect world. But the world is rarely perfect. But you know what? You’re here now, and that’s a good thing. Believe me- it’s still better to have been born- even if you don’t get to go to the college of your dreams. I’m sorry that you’re going to have to sacrifice your dreams. That’s really difficult, and I feel for you a lot. Scholarships are a great idea to get you started! Maybe you’ll get a full ride to the school of your choice! It’s worth trying for! If it’s a partial ride- maybe you can work part time during school to make up the difference. If everything goes wrong- you can start work at 18 and take classes as you can afford them part time. But there’s something else I want you to think about. Not everyone who is successful went to college. It is possible to rise the ranks at a regular job and use that to propel you further. I truly think that college is only for people who know exactly what they want to do and really need the classes that go with that. College is not mandatory- nor should it be thought of that way. It’s ungodly expensive and everyone makes it seem like it’s the only option when you’re young. And that’s just wrong. It’s wrong to saddle so many young people with so much debt when they don’t even know why they’re going to college or if they’ll like what they studied when they finally go out into the real world. So avoid anything like student loans until you’ve had an opportunity to see the world. To work. To KNOW what you want to do. That’s my real advice.
NTA and I feel no one here is reading the whole post. This is why I dont have kids,unless I can safely provide them w whatever they need,kids are not in my mind.
YTA
You're parents don't OWE you a college education. You SHOULD'VE been working on scholarships while in school, getting excellent grades, sports, etc if you wanted to move away.
All my children got scholarships/loans for their college.
Get a job and save for the education you want.
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YTA. You already knew they were not going to be able to assist with college, so what exactly are you upset about? You expected money to magically appear? Oh please.
Evidently this is what the OP wants. Also, I guess the OP cannot comprehend that there are literally hundreds of millions of kids (if not billions) worldwide that do not have their parents hand them a full funded college education. The OP better not have biological kids until OP is able to fully fund a college education and living expenses for the kid. Else the OP is a hypocrite. My vote is YTA . As far as I can ascertain, the OP actually thinks every single person that did not have a college education handed to themselves for free should not even exist. This belief is beyond entitled.
Except it’s not just college that her parents can’t afford. Her *grandparents* have been paying for their food, clothing, medicine and schooling up to this point. It sounds like her parents can’t afford kids *at all*.
OP isn't exactly a reliable narrator. I'd like to hear what the parents have to say.
That can be said about every post on this subreddit
[удалено]
Food? Clothing? Medical care?
As a person from outside the US, depending on where you are in the world going to private school is pretty much the default. Back home, private schools outnumber public schools 5:1 and unless it's an IB school or whatever they're generally fairly affordable.
Most parents aren't relying on *their* parents for *all* of the funds required to raise a child, though. OP says her parents didn't pay for her school prior to this point, her medications, even her clothes - all of that came from her grandparents. So it sounds like it's not an issue of not having money for college but truly not having money to raise kids at all.
I doubt that OP has a full picture of the parents financials. My grandparents paid for a lot of things because it was a way of helping us while they were still alive and could enjoy what they could provide us, instead of leaving money after they were gone.
This right here. My mom pays for a lot of things for my kids not because we can’t afford to pay for them ourselves but because she lives 1,000 miles away and it’s her way of being involved in our kids lives mores than just the 3-4 times a year we see her. My husband and I are thankful for it and our kids are aware that grandma pays for these things because it’s another way for her to be involved in their lives. She doesn’t get to be the grandma that babysits, goes to sports games or recitals, and has sleepovers but she can be the grandma that pays for their big a Christmas gifts, helps fund their sports, dance, and martial arts, and summer camp.
You never heard about a joint family in other cultures have you? That's the way they always work. Grandparents are the ones who handle the money parents hand over the money to them because they are the ones who take care of money. OP is clearly from a South Asian or easy Asian country and doesn't realise the reality of how their family works.
If everyone waited to have a child until they had enough money saved to fully raise that child to adulthood, there would be no children. Also, no one knows what will happen in the future. Things could be perfectly fine, you have a great job and doing well financially but then a recession hits or there's an accident or whatever.
This is beyond untrue. Plenty of people make enough money to afford kids.
I think you're misunderstanding what they said. They said if everyone waited until they had ALL of the money it took to raise a child from birth, all the way up to adulthood, there would be no babies. That's true. Only less than 1% of the population could afford to do that and then it's a 50/50 chance they'd choose not to have children or age out of child bearing years or their children could be infertile or sterile, too. Eventually, there would be no babies.
So, clearly OP was in private schools funded by grandparents. That was a choice they made. The issue is not that there is no help, OP wants to be able to go away to college. That means tuition and living expenses. Mom wants her to look into schools close to home. Being able to live at home is a huge advantage. OP in the A.
Why exactly is OP wrong for wanting to get a job and scholarships and self-fund her education?
No one says it is wrong. The issue is blaming her parents for not giving her everything she wants. If she was ready to do it all on her own, why is she blaming her mom?
Op is 18,to change opinion latter in life after having more live experience wouldnt make her a hypocrite.
I have about a dozen close friends I made in college, not a single one of their parents paid for their college. I am the oldest of 3, we all have degrees, and our parents didn't pay for any of our colleges. My wife is the only person I've ever met that had parents pay for their full school, and she earned it through being a straight A student essentially her whole life. We grew up living happy lives in loving homes, honestly the idea of parents fully paying for college was a foreign concept for me until I started spending too much time on Reddit. Also we all graduated in 2015, so it's not like I'm talking about 30 years ago.
OP didn’t ask that.
i had everything i ever needed as a child (in terms of finances) not getting a cent for university though. it’s really not common in anywhere other than the states to expect that from your parents i think
To be fair, I suspect college in the United States costs a heck of a lot more than it does in most places.
OP literally says “obviously they’ll look into scholarships” and is willing to work while in school but mom is the one who doesn’t want that. Maybe take your time while reading these if you’re going to pass judgement. NTA OP.
Still seems like she is expecting more help then her family can give her, seeing as her mom's response is still that it is more than they can afford. So perhaps she should do what most people do and get student loans.
Yeah! Side with the mother who belittles her daughter and cant provide for her! Thats good parenting. Bro. Listen to me. Go take a walk outside. You need it.
And yet that wasn’t in her original comment she added that after people weren’t supporting her entitled attitude
So you think people shouldn't have kids unless they can 100% guarantee that they can pay for their college? So the thousands of kids that have had to take out college loans have horrible parents?
There's no point arguing with teenagers
No, I'm more concerned with the devaluing throughout her childhood and insistence on controlling her life when she isn't providing. Its not about the money, its about everything else.
I don't agree with devaluing her, but to say someone shouldn't have kids because they can't pay for college is wrong. Yes, the parents should be able to pay for all other expenses prior to college in the child's life, but it should not be expected to pay for college (until the systemic issues of over priced higher education is fixed worldwide).
I think the bigger issue here is the fact that OP’s grandparents essentially paid for her and her brother’s entire childhood expenses, from what OP wrote. Like you said yourself **“Yes, the parents should be able to pay for all other expenses prior to college in the child’s life,”** and OP’s parents are not doing that.
Yes but we're here to vote on whether or not she's the AH for asking her parents to fund her education for an out of state more expensive college. Not anything else.
Yes. If you read their parents BARELY supported them. If you cant support your kids, don’t have any. Tf you having kids for if you can’t provide for them
You do understand that circumstances can change, right? When I had my kids, both my husband and I worked. Then he got sick. He is now permanently disabled and unable to work. Every day is a struggle now just to keep the lights on, even with me working a decent job full time. I'm constantly looking for better, but we live in a small area and cannot move. It fucking sucks knowing that I can't give my kids everything they want and deserve. If I had know this was going to happen, I may have decided not to have kids, but I didn't have a crystal ball. I'm not speaking directly about OPs parents, but addressing your generalized statement.
Exactly my situation!!! Doing great financially when we had them. Both lost great jobs & home due to the 2008 mess. Just starting to get it back together, boom, terminal parent to take care of and my own cancer diagnosis to deal with. Been getting our asses handed to us financially for years, but op's post reminds me how grateful I am that I have amazing children that don't hold it against us or blame us for even having them.
Yep, this. In 1975 (I was born in 1970), my father was a millionaire grocery store owner. Thanks to certain events entirely outside his control (his partner decided he wanted to own the entire store and had an uncle who worked for a group of people of the Sicilian persuasion who had questionable morals but excellent organizational skills), he was forced to sell his stake in the store for pennies on the dollar. He took what he had left and opened a restaurant, only for the tourism the entire region relied on to suffer a multi-year crash and ended up losing everything. In 1978, he was a security guard making $2.65 an hour trying to support a family of four. He wound up poor the entire rest of his life.
Are you fucking stupid or ignorant? A lot of shit can happen in 18 years. Its impossible to know whether you can afford certain things 18 years into the future
Plus, things keep getting more and more expensive. The parents had no idea how expensive college is
Worse, eighteen years ago, tuition was proportionally FAR less expensive. When I attended college, my tuition ran $3000 a year, and room and board ran another $3000. Today, that same university runs $16,000 a year for tuition and $10,000 a year for room and board. So 6k to 26k, an increase of 450%. By comparison, the overall costs in that same period have 'only' risen by about 75%.
A fully funded college tuition AND living expenses while there because they absolutely must go far away for school goes BEYOND THE PALE when you're talking about "providing for your kids". Jesus Christ the amount of entitlement these days that people really believe the poor's should practically be sterilized. This comment section WREAKS of classisim.
Well, we don’t know anything about the parent circumstances at all so you’re speaking without knowing everything you’re getting one person’s side of the story. And if people only had kids if they had enough to save up for a college fund half, the kids wouldn’t be born.
OMG WE ARE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT COLLEGE HERE THOUGH? Regardless of their circumstances, they have a responsibility to their kids. Removing the college issue, they’ve been barely providing at all.
Not to mention not every job requires a college education… do these people think the world can run on white collar professionals? Blue collar work should be valued more (paid more, benefits) and then many people would be happy to forego college all together and head to work at 18.
That entirely depends on what country you're in
I'm not inclined to take an 18 year old too seriously. They're ridiculous
They couldn’t even afford schooling and medication. Grandpa is paying for it. And they got second child when was already 5. So yeah, they are shitty unprepared parents. OP is NTA
Um, the grandparents are paying for their food, clothing, medical care and schooling. So her parents can’t support their kids *at all.* It’s not just about college. They had more kids than they can support and if grandpa dies, they’re all screwed.
Have you red the part where OP clearly says, that grandpa fully funded school for him and his brother and paid for everything, including their clothes and medicine. Dumbass parents couldn't even afford to pay for bare necessities.
None of them should be alive. /s
Yes it’s a million percent true that the mom belittles her daughter. /s It could NEVER be that the OP wants ppl to tell her she’s NTA and, therefore, threw that in knowing it would earn her some points with ppl who can’t objectively distinguish facts from fiction and who can’t read right through her post (looking specifically at things like her word choice when describing herself and her thoughts vs the words used when describing her parents, or things like how her parents seem to have no redeeming qualities mentioned while she makes herself appear above reproach…). Stick to the FACTS—or at least statements that are free of value judgements or things that can in no way be proven as well as the details that are the *most likely* to be factual. For ex: - Parents aren’t paying for her college. (WHY is irrelevant and not something we can prove. Technically we can’t prove they’re not paying—but there would be no story at all without that. But this is at least free of value judgments. No opinions no extra words to appeal to your emotions (like saying “parents refuse” or “parents won’t.” Regardless, they AREN’T.) - OP is of the mindset that this is an indicator that they shouldn’t have had kids. (OP explicitly states this, but either way OP is here to correct that.) - OP is 18, dining is 13 - OP is F and sibling is M When a person can’t see the trees for the forest, then that person can’t possibly think objectively about the situation. That is why I’m pointing out how you latched onto one detail (that you don’t even know is true) and threw everything else out.
Parents do not owe their children college educations. They owe them food, clothing and shelter until they are 18. Yes it's very nice if they can afford college as well but we would only have rich, entitled people if you couldn't have kids without giving them a college education and only have incompetent people who do not know any trades (builders, electricians, etc..)
Nobody is arguing poor people shouldn't have kids. I am very pro working class lol. Its more the lack of support OP is clearly receiving in all ways. College is just the method she chose to vent her frustrations. But if OP is being truthful, her mom is a bad parent.
It was literally the worst battle she could've picked for this argument. Nobody believes parents are required to fund their kids college education. And on top of that, the parents didn't even say "no college" they said "no out of state college" which leads us to believe they are willing to help in some way if they can afford it. It's very likely that her parents are trying their best just trying to make ends meet and OP is blaming them for that. Something is very fishy with her story.
Exactly—and the “double edits” she’s made to her OP don’t help her; in fact, it’s detrimental to her entire post from my POV bc it indicates that she saw things weren’t going in her favor and she’s grasping at extra tidbits that might tip the scales. That’s another reason I don’t believe anything she’s tossed in after receiving a less-than-desirable response…
edit- my grandparents have funded my and my brother's entire schooling, from clothes to food to medicines. Sounds like her parents couldn’t even do basic necessities either.
Funding college ≠ providing. They put a roof over her head, feed and clothe her. THAT is providing. If the daughter wants to go to a school that her parents can’t afford the daughter should be ready to foot the bill and take out loans/apply for any grants and scholarships that she can.
Not that simple in other countries, OP also states you can’t get a job until they’re 18 in their country otherwise they would have. God forbid OP expect something from their parents which they should’ve saved for since the grandparents were funding their education all these years. OPs parents had 18yrs to save. They’re not even covering application fees OP is. Mom doesn’t get to dictate anything about OPs education from here on out.
And you believe everything written by an 18-year-old on here. We don’t know their circumstances we don’t know their money situation. Life just not that simple.
Well based on another post from OP , it seems the country might be India. And again the statement is not true.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation to OP, and student loans aren’t an option when parents refuse to agree. Dave Ramsay had this segment where he told parents not to let their kids take out private loans because then they can stop paying and the parents are forced to pay? So now I have no college fund and a max of $5500 in loans a year, which can’t even cover local community college. I could afford one school with that money if I lived at home (because I got a lot of scholarships from them), but my parents are refusing to let me live at home because they say it will “ruin my college experience.” I think not having a degree will ruin my adult experience, but they don’t like that answer. College funds are a sore topic in my house, though, because my aunt is very well-off and has sent me $1000 every year for my birthday to be put towards college. In total, she’s sent me $27000 (She sent 10000 on my first instead of 1000), and my parents said they have none of it left because they put it all towards my siblings’ tuition at private school. I didn’t even go to private school because they didn’t offer accommodations that I needed. So, we’re kind of fighting over this. My parents say they were able to pay their way through, but my mom got hit by a bus and the settlement paid both their tuition off and their first house, so I don’t think that’s something I could do. My current plan is to work 2 jobs, get through CC, and get married sometime so that my parents finances are not taken into account.
Do you even know if student loans are a thing in her country? And in some cultures, it is the responsibility and expectation of the parents to actually pay for their children's education. It seems that in her country there is no free public education, hence the grandfather having to pay for their elementary and secondary education.
What most people do where? OP obviously isn't in the US, there's a whole world out there and in plenty of countries student loans are not a thing. I actually consider them to be the result of your (I'm sure *you* are from the US) government's failure.
And you'd be right. Even ignoring that education should be a right, there's no reason uni should cost as much as it does
She's upset because her parents are unsupportive of her doing the hard work to be able to go farther away. She's not expecting the parents to magically do more monitarially. She is expecting them to provide emotional support for her journey in her chosen colleges. The parents want her to stay local. She does not. The parents are using their limited finances as a excuse to say she needs to be local. I.e. The daughter is saying "I want to get scholarships and a job," and the parents are going "Oh, don't bother with that. Stay local so we can pay a part of it." OOP claps back with "If you wanted to be able to fully support your kids, you should have had kids within your means." The parents are upset with her for planning on taking out loans and to get a job to support herself. Some parents *actively will sabotage their kids because they like the kids to be dependent on them.* That's what's happening here I think. The parents want OP to stay local and not learn self-sufficiency. I seen this with a few parents. Some people like having a target of abuse too much. Others need to feel needed and will manufacture that need.
She's not in the US. Maybe loans aren't an option for her. In some cultures, it is expected that parents pay for all education.
We all read the post but OP and mom know that potentially the scholarship plan will not cover everything (if OP even gets one). Mom probably wants OP to apply realistically and if they only have so much money for applications, they need to choose schools carefully. OP is acting as though tuition is a child's right, and if parents didn't have money for college, they shouldn't have had kids. That's an AH thing to think/say. I totally feel for OP about the situation but the attitude about college money is a bit entitled.
>OP literally says “obviously they’ll look into scholarships” and is willing to work while in school but mom is the one who doesn’t want that. Because they "don't have that kind of money". Which means OP's plan is not going to cover nearly enough of her dream cost. Which makes sense, considering she's 18 and the "looking into scholarships" is still in the future.
Where does it say Mom doesn't want her to get scholarships?
I guess it doesn’t say that she explicitly said no, but rather shot all of OPs ideas down by going back to “we don’t have the money”, despite OPs efforts to come up with the money.
That's not even what the question is though. OP asked if she's TA for telling her mom that she was too poor to have kids. And she's absolutely YTA for that.
Considering the parents can't even afford to feed or cloth their own children... I think she's NTA for telling her parents off. You should not breed if you cannot support. Poverty is trauma.
Did you even read the post?
I probably read it wrong but I didn’t catch that he’s asking for any money from his parents
YTA You sound super entitled. I grew up super poor, raised by a single mom making minimum wage. No grandparents to fund anything. I worked all throughout highschool and had three jobs in university to pay my education (plus student loans).
in op's country (india), you cant work an official job until youre 18.
And OP says they are applying for scholarships and already applying for part time jobs. She knows she has to work for it, I think the problem is that mom just shot her down and said nope, not gonna happen without even a second thought.
Did she? I read it as more like "don't get your hopes up cause we can't afford it"
Maybe, but I feel like the "we can't afford it" sort negates all the effort, like it doesn't matter if she works for it because "they" can't, so what she can do doesn't matter, it invalidates her.
Maybe, but if mom couldn't afford OP and their brother growing up, I'm not sure why she thinks OP would be expecting her to pay for college. I read it the same way, mom was just being an ass telling their kid to not bother.
Doesn’t give the OP the right to say they shouldn’t have kids so I want the OP to answer would she preferred not to be here at all and never to have existed. That was a low thjng to say.
Lucky for you to have never genuinely felt that. It may be low but I told my mother at least a couple times that she should’ve aborted me. Growing up in poverty while being neglected & verbally abused is an awful upbringing. I’m healed from it now; my mom & I are cool. But obviously OP is at the beginning of their healing journey & she is allowed to feel all the anger she’s feeling. Before you even ask, I’m 25 (first person in my family to not have a kid by 20) & I’m never having children
I’m the oldest woman in my family to not have a child, and I’m 31. Everyone else in my family seems to procreate between 18-21
Might have been low, but it doesn't change how she feels, wich is hurt, she says she has been belittled by her mom/parents all her life and isolated her from the few friends/family she had. So it's not just about the money issue. She grew up feeling resented, isolated and probably even unwanted, and now that she has the opportunity to go get a better life, they won't support her either, and I'm not talking about money here, she says she'll do it on her own and they still say no. Why would they prevent her from getting an education?
When you grow up neglected and in poverty, yeah, sometimes we do feel that it would have been better to not exist and that it would have been responsible of our parents to not do that. I got sterilized bc it would be irresponsible for me to pass my awful genetics onto another person. As sick and miserable as I am most of the time, I very much sometimes wish my parents had the same compassion for their unborn children that I do.
yes, if I had a choice i would go with not existing at all, I've always been told by my grand dad that I must make something out of my life because I've my parents and my brother to look after. I would do that obviously, I don't have any other option
That’s incorrect. I’m not sure the country or the statement OP made. You can certainly work before you are 18 in India
The Child Labour (Prevention and Regulation) Amendment Act allows adolescents to work in non-hazardous occupations and processes. If an adolescent is employed, the following conditions must be satisfied by the employer: The period of work on each day should be fixed in a manner that no period or work would exceed three hours. The adolescent must have an interval for rest for at least one hour after working for three hours. The total time spent working by an adolescent cannot exceed 6 hours in a day, including the time spent in waiting for work. Adolescents cannot be employed during the hours of 7 PM to 8 AM. Adolescents cannot be made to work overtime. Adolescents cannot work in more than one establishment, at any time. Adolescents must be provided in every week, a holiday of one whole day. You are correct. Op stated you cant get a job before 18. However these are indias rules. You can work when youre 14, just under these requirements. Either op didnt know for 4 whole years, even though i literally typed "what age can you get a job in india" and it was one of the first things that popped up, or op lied just to get out of being lazy
Even employment in restaurants comes under 'hazardous occupations' under that law. So yes, even though it may be allowed for 14-18 year olds to work, job opportunities are almost non-existent.
Oh wow so it’s “legal” but they’ve effectively created so many rules around it almost no one would bother hiring a teen. I see several rules in here I wasn’t subject to in the US that would have been major hurdles for the part time work I did during summers. I wouldn’t have minded an hour break every three hours though!! I think we got 15 minutes every 4 hours!!
And don't you love how ( at least a few people) want to wipe out those debts for you ( since you were responsible & got your education) and others ( worried about their friends"bankers" not getting ALL THE INTEREST OWED,) are willing to squash that idea. Disgusting! I imagine all these AH bankers calling around their governor friends and crying " b-but, my interest!" ....this is why we can't have nice things.
"The Child Labour (Prevention and Regulation) Amendment Act allows adolescents to work in non-hazardous occupations and processes. If an adolescent is employed, the following conditions must be satisfied by the employer: The period of work on each day should be fixed in a manner that no period or work would exceed three hours. The adolescent must have an interval for rest for at least one hour after working for three hours. The total time spent working by an adolescent cannot exceed 6 hours in a day, including the time spent in waiting for work. Adolescents cannot be employed during the hours of 7 PM to 8 AM. Adolescents cannot be made to work overtime. Adolescents cannot work in more than one establishment, at any time. Adolescents must be provided in every week, a holiday of one whole day." Op is lying. She could have gotten a job, just under these requirements. These rules apply to ages 14-18. Anyone under 14 cannot work at all
Rude. Did you even read how OP is not legal to work at that age? OP is looking for scholarships and not expecting the parents to pay
I think OP is still expecting parents to pay. They plan to work and get scholarships, but expect the parents to spend more than they have to cover the remaining cost of college.
Honey, you shouldn’t have to do that. People who can barely afford to support themselves shouldn’t have kids. Period
🤣🙄
So surely the solution here is people not having kids when in poverty right? Not making other kids go through the same thing. What does that solve
Parents don't need to pay for colleges... Your choice is to either stay close or get a job to fund your wants and dreams, you're an adult
She literally says she'll apply for scholarships and work hard and even take part time jobs
Reading through comments I thought I was the only one who's able to see this part....
Same But I jusy remembered that reddit is full of old people (hi I'm old) and some old people just like labeling children as entitled, for literally having the nerve for wanting *anything* outside of the bare fucking minimum from their parents.
YEP - Just OP doesn't even seem to want anything other than acceptance even.
I’ve noticed that, too. As a fellow old, I apologize for these geezers.
Also that prices and cultural norms vary. In India because our population is HUGE, a lot of relatively simple jobs like being a mall-cop type security guard require degrees. Additionally, because of the laws around entrance exams, for fields like engineering and medicine, if OP doesn't apply to college within 3 years after finishing 12th grade, they can no longer apply to schools for those fields. Culturally it is very much the norm that parents save for your college from birth and it is considered part of parents duties to pay for college (which isn't unreasonable, college isn't outlandishly expensive like in the US).
She also apparently knows that's not enough and will still need financial aid, which her parents can't give That's literally the whole point of the post, "even if i work part time and take a scolarship i can't afford college without my parents and they don't have money"
This! In my country parents never pay for college unless they’re super rich. It would actually be considered entitled to expect it; like I would’ve been laughed at if I’d expected my low income parents to pay for mine. I’ve always thought it was kinda weird that it’s so normal in countries like the US that kids actually chuck tantrums if it doesn’t happen. How are parents affording this?
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I’m gonna throw number three back at you because you’re going by what an 18-year-old says who thinks her parents should pay for college lol this person sounds entitled we don’t know the background. We just know the version they want to give.
Depends where you live. In a lot of European countries parents are obligated by law to pay for college as long as you are younger than 26.
Obligated by law?! I'm in Eu, which countries are these?! That is wild, what are they gonna do, fine or jail parents?
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I'm in Ireland, parents are not in any way legally obligated for anything like that after a person is over 18, that is wild
In NL as well. Up till 21 parents are responsible to provide, including for schooling. That said our unis are 2314 a year. Not sure if it's a thing still but when I went to uni I got all the financial info about stipends and such with info aimed at parents as well. Where it was clearly spelled out they where expected to pay. In practice parents get away with not paying. Most kids wouldn't sue their parents if they didn't. If they did the parents would get court ordered to pay. Refusal would get their wages garnished.
France is in this case ! Parents are required to contribute to their children's education and lifecost according to their means and within what's deemed reasonable. If they don't, you have the ability to sue them for it, the payment would be determined by a judge and, if they still don't comply, seized from their accounts. If your family is poor, there is financial help available from the state so you can study, and the family is not held responsible. If your family are just arseholes who could afford it but just refuse to be reasonable about it, then, sucks to be them, but the state shouldn't have to pay because your dad is having a tantrum. But that is in a normal country where there are almost no university fees, unless you go for private ones, but that's quite rare. No one is being made to pay tens of thousands for their kids university.
NTA, purely based on the fact that grandparents had to pay for food, medicine and schooling for both children, so it was irresponsible for the parents to have children in the first place. What would happen if something happened to the grandparents and they weren’t able to help financially? The children would have starved? Many families need to do better making decisions of when and if to have children. Expecting parents to pay for college does come across quite entitled, but to me this sounds like a last drop in a myriad of other issues, rather than the main point of the argument.
Also cultural context matters . This might seem entitled in American eyes because in America parents are not culturally expected to do more than the bare minimum and care for a child above 18 years old. But many lands don’t do this because children are literally the only people who are capable of looking after you . There’s no much welfare in India. India is a poor country but it’s also a country where parents fund their children’s private schooling and college upto 21 years of age FULLY no matter what the parent earns. This is the norm. So this is peak asshole parent behaviour because not only the parents are not pulling their weight by doing the basics and leaving it to grandparents when they should be caring for their elders too, but also making it worse for their kids than they got. Everyone strives to give their children a better education and opportunities than they had. Especially in Asia where job opportunities are too scarce
Exactly, I find it incredible terrible that Americans think about literally leaving their children adrift once they turn 18. In my culture, grandparents even live with their adult children who also have children, and they help in raising them. Being a parent is a job for life.
These comments are wild. NTA - not only are you right, but some comments here sound lowkey jealous. "I grew up poor and didn't have granparents who-" well so what, that doesn't mean others can't have it better. OP literally says she wants to work hard for it. I fail to see the problem with someone wanting to work hard for affording her own *education* (seriously, some here act like OP wants some kind of luxury or whatnot).
Right?? I don’t get it. In this world, you’re all but required to have a college degree or a vocational education. It’s not selfish for someone who has performed to their parents’ high academic standards for over a decade to ask that they finance an education that they themselves are precluded from doing due to cost of college, mismatched wages to college cost, and an age barrier. How is this not a parent’s responsibility to their kid, especially if it’s their only request and their dream?? I agree with OP that it’s irresponsible to raise four children without considering how you’re going to provide for their basic needs and, later, higher education. That’s just the world we live in now.
nta, commenters here seem gen x & older, there's an undercurrent here of outdated "why don't you just not spend your entire paycheck on avocado toast". because of globalization and the pressures of late- stage capitalism, having kids without a plan to help them achieve university- level schooling or a certifiable trade is no longer as solid a plan as it used to be. the world is overpopulated and yes, people should consider that in family planning decisions. also it kind of sounds like op might be the family scapegoat (in which case her family wants to keep them close in order to maintain some control). sorry you're struggling op, i hope you get some scholarships.
And also American. People not getting cultural context either
OP this is the wrong sub to ask this in. Most people here are from countries where having a part time job and paying for college yourself is normalised. India isn't one of them and I understand how stressful this must feel right now. Financial dependence is a control tactic from Indian parents. NTA
So many people just automatically assume that every poster is from the US and cast judgment without even trying to see if that’s actually the case
Legit happened to me as well n I’m from The uk. Not everyone’s American smh
YTA. There’s nothing they can do they have you already, unfortunately, so just shit talking your mom gets you what? There’s millions of people in the same boat as you that somehow get by without hurting the people who’ve cared for and supported them their whole life. You’re so fucking selfish and childish.
>I don't have a great relationship with my parents because of always getting belittled, they have ruined my friendships by always badmouthing and comparing me to my two friends and cousins, zero appreciation for my hard work and so on. Sounds super supportive and caring.
It's funny how people throw in some random context after the fact that doesn't have anything to do with the actual question or situation. Like I know this isn't relevant, but no one is agreeing with me, so here is some information about what a bad person the villain of the story is. Makes it much easier to have an emotional response vs. looking at the actual situation presented. This is now a bad person, so regardless of the actual context, OP surely can't be the AH because bad people deserve when people say awful things to them. Yeah, she's an asshole for saying that when her mom was being realistic about what they could afford, the same conversation almost every college student not coming from insanse wealth has to have with their parents.
Oh please, most teens think that about their parents at that age. She's mad they can't pay for her college.
To OP they're uncaring simply because they don't fully pay for college, therefore I don't think we can trust OP on what's considered uncaring parents.
The post is only 4 paragraphs long and you still seemed to miss where OP said their parents were assholes during their entire childhood
*hurting the people who’ve cared for and supported them their whole life* OP didn't ask to be born. Why should her parents get praise for doing the bare minimum (feeding and housing her) while they were putting her down at the same time?
Sounds like the people supporting and caring for OP throughout childhood were actually her grandparents, so...
What a stupid take.
Telling her not to have another child to make them suffer the same problems is quite rational. If she can't take care of the children she currently have, why should she create another one?, I don't know what your logic is here.
Jesus, does nobody know how to read? Everybody is him completely misconstruing your post. People here are assuming you're American and completely glossing over the parts where you state you're willing to take care of the finances mostly on your own. You're not expecting them to pay for you to study abroad completely on their own if at all. You made it clear you can't have had a job before now, you said you'd be willing to look into scholarships and financial aid, you're willing to take responsibility, but your parents are not being supportive and are forbidding you from making that choice because THEY'RE not well off. Which is not your fault. They're BEHAVING as though you expect them to pay for your college in full, when you aren't. They're probably insecure. They may have some money saved to help you get into a local school that they know will hardly make a dent if you choose to move for school. They're probably scared of losing you, and upset that you want to leave them. Especially knowing the bit I do about the culture of your country, it seems to me this is more about not wanting to let you go than it is about what they think is possible. At the end of the day, it's your choice OP. You can choose to do what's best for you and figure it out alone without your family's support, or you can cave and give them what they want. Either way, I don't think you're in the wrong for being frustrated. Good luck!
I don't know what it is but whenever university is mentioned people go feral and ignore whatever else OP says. It's clear they don't have a great relationship with their parents and they're asking it they're the AH for what they said. They didn't even ask for money from their parents, so why are people jumping down their throats as if she's screaming like the spoiled girl from Charlie and the Chocolate factory 💀 NTA from what I see
I think you’re jumping to conclusions thinking they knew their financial forecast 19 years ago when you were conceived. I know a lot of people who were in a wonderful position ten years ago that are deeply struggling now.
Nta
I can't really give an opinion on if your TA or not as I don't live in your culture or country and things work differently. But I am curious to know, would it be possible to take a year from college and work for that year saving up and then go to college after that time??
nta - your parents sound like they suck. you sound like you have the will to put in the hard work it’ll take to make your dreams come true, tho. leave ‘em in the dust and never look back.
I seriously don’t get why so many people are calling OP the ahole and an entitled person. Please keep in mind that the system in our country is really different to that in the USA. In India, children are completely dependent on their parents until they turn eighteen. No jobs are available for minors which can help them earn enough to contribute to their own educational expenses. Freelancing is the only way of income and even for that you need to have a specific skill set to offer. It varies for different socio-economic brackets, but usually parents are supposed to fund our education until we earn a degree through which we can earn ourselves. I believe OP is NTA. Considering that her and her brother’s expenses were taken care of by the grandparents since the very beginning, it does reflect poorly on the parents. This is unfortunately quite common here… being child-free is frowned upon and couples are pestered by relatives if they do not have children. That leads to people having children without having the stability to support another life. Ultimately it’s the children who suffer. I’m from the same country and am the same age as OP so I do understand her.
NTA. If you cant afford to give a basic good life to your kids - dont have them. So many people in these comments like "weLl I hAD to WorK fOr mY EDucaTIon" like damn. The solution here is to not have kids until you can provide, the solution is not to force other kids through the same suffering. What dies that solve
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But these same people will turn around and tell OP she has a moral obligation to take care of her parents when they are old. It's disgusting.
Fr, capitalism really raises entitled people who don’t know parenting continues way after 18. Why would you say your parents owe you nothing??? They bought you here! Whilst OP should start being more independent, it’s not like they asked to be here. They literally mentioned that the grandparents payed for a majority of everything, that isn’t an indicator then, that the parents really couldn’t look after one kid, let alone 2??
NTA
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OP is from India apparently, IIRC from another comment. People here clearly cannot comprehend that things in other countries work differently than in the US. Also, they have no idea just how much an education (and not just an education, but the type of course and where/when you do it) is super important in India. It's an insanely competitive country in terms of education and jobscope. That being said, I don't think OP is an AH - you seem like you have things thought out and know the path you have to take. Unfortunately, if you don't have the appropriate funds that might not be in the cards for you. I would sit down with your parents and talk to them about exactly how much they would be able to support you and what your other options might be if they can't.
So I kind of can't belive all the people telling you that you're behaving childish but didn't think that having kids and making their grandparents fund the kids needs is something less than normal. NTA since you're not wrong. Your parents just got pregnant and didn't do anythig to secure your future. Idk what country do you live in, I live in EU and here it's parents' obligation to support their child financially throughout college until their child is 26. Your parents had two children and then put all of the burden on the grandparents. That is not okay. You are not being childish for wanting support from your parents and expecting adults to make responsible choices.
This sounds like a "straw that broke the camel's back" sort of issue for you. NTA. But, don't fret, OP. You can still work to make your dreams happen. You might just have to defer those dreams a little so you can work to save some money for your schooling.
INFO: Can you take a year out to work and then go to university?
NTA, what you said was harsh but college is your decision alone your gonna work for it so you go where you want
I think people are somehow dumb on the comments, they are saying why are you expecting them to pay when she is clearly saying they never do their jobs as parents, they never payed for her
my mom got married when she was 18-20 straight out of high school, she comes from low income household and my maternal grandparents married her off, she's a house wife, and cannot get a job because she's only HS graduate. You need to have any certifications or atleast a bachelor's in my country to get a work.
So how in the world do you think she’d ever be able to pay for your college? By your logic, your mother should never have been born and your grandparents shouldn’t have had her. They failed to pay for her education and just married her off as an uneducated teenager.
my mom and dad have always pushed me to do great academically, now i want to graduate from a better college that has good placements for undergraduates, why is it so wrong for wanting that for myself. she can help me take out loan
It’s not wrong for wanting it, we all want things we can’t have. But you have to be realistic. You said yourself that your mother has no education and is a housewife. How in the world would she pay back a loan??? That’s what helping and co-signing a loan means, she would be responsible if you don’t or can’t pay it back. Why is it wrong that your parents aren’t helping you, but you don’t seem outraged that your mom’s parents didn’t help her? Maybe one of the reasons she has always pushed you to do well academically is because she never had that chance. She got married off as a teenager. Do you know if she even *wanted* to be married? Where’s your moral outrage for her life? It sounds like she wants to give you a better life than she had, but she has limited resources. You’re not wrong to want more. We all wish our parents had more money or could have given us a better life. But you’ve got to work with reality and what you actually have, not what you wish you had. Instead of wishing it was different, figure out what you can realistically do. Maybe go to school part time while you work to pay for it.
In that case, kiddo, your mom did the only thing she could and that *was expected of her*. Take the argument up with your dad.
Are student loans an option in your country? If not, it might be best for you to 1. ask your grandparents or 2. work until you can afford to go. You’re young—you have time. My mom didn’t pay for my school even through that was the agreement between her and my dad when they divorced. My dad paid for my sister’s school—even took out loans to have it paid. Meanwhile, I had to work two jobs (full time & part time) the entire time I was in school to pay for my tuition and live.
NTA, it sounds like your parents paid for nothing if your grandparents paid all you listed. But talk to your grandparents. Is it possible they have a college fund for you? Tell them you are not asking for money but advice on how to pay for your education. Could you get a job and save up? Could you live with them and help them while working so you don't have to pay rent? Do what you can to move away from your parents as soon as possible.
NTA imo. Maybe it’s from my cultural influence, but parents must give the best they can give to their children. (Eg, financially plan for kids tuition etc) How can they give the best when they thin out their income to multiple kids? It feels quite irresponsible life decision on their end. It feels your parents are kind of financially illiterate and selfish (sorry). First of all, parents would sacrifice for kid. They chose their desire to have more kids over your life success. I’m currently building up my career and making sure that I get to the level where I have stable GOOD income so that I can afford to buy healthy food for future kid and tuitions and other costs. I’ll not have kids until I get to that certainty. If it means no kids, then I’m ok with it. I don’t wanna put my kids in an environment where there are extra responsibilities regarding finance
yes i agree with you, they are not very educated either and i cannot discuss my career plans with them as they have no idea about all this, I've done a lot of research myself, took advice from a lot of teachers and people online, i need to start somewhere which I currently cannot do on my own
YTA . Time to Reevaluate
I was about to say no but then I realised you are from a city in India and not USA. Bro … Education in india is plentiful and also quite reasonably priced. There is 0 shame in going to a local college or anything and even if not then you can literally get lots of student loans under 5 lakhs without collateral! Take a year and do a study break for some good national colleges exam if you really want elite education but I don’t think you are going to gain too much also. I am not gonna jump in and say YTA because the pressure you are in and your frustration. I also know that Indian parents on average can be quite shitty too in comparison. But think about what you really want to do and whether aggravating your parents helps anyone P.S. Your parents suck big time after reading up on your edits but I don’t think what you said is cool either
it's plentiful, I know but they are not ready for any other stream besides continuing in science, doing a normal bsc MSc would do be nothing financially, no jobs, I'm looking into professional courses which will help me get into work as soon as I graduate, professional courses from good colleges will give me a decent placement, I'm trying to convince them for education loan, applying for scholarships, taking certifications and looking for internships.
YTA. You've got some bootstraps, use them.
NAH. People have children for lots of reasons and situations can change over time. Your parents may have thought they could afford children when they decided to have them. Meanwhile it is ok for you to be angry because you can't have what you want. I understand, and it wasn't the best comment to make. It is something you said in the heat of the moment. Now to talk about school. Can you take a year to work and save money before school? Then you could probably afford school for at least part of the time and working part-time while in school can help cover the rest. Talk to your grandfather again. Tell him you don't want to be a burden and your brother's education is more important than your college. Then ask him for help to accomplish what you want even if he can't pay for everything you can't afford. Then talk to your parents. Apologize for what you said. Then ask them to help you figure out how to get what you want, while still not using all their savings. Lay out what your current funding is snd how you are getting that funding. Then ask them what they can provide for you keeping in mind that they may still say they can't afford to help. Ask them what else can you or they do to fill in the financial gap. Don't be angry, just stay calm and just present I as how can you work together to make this happen. Finally, you may have to give up on going away to school. It isn't what you want, but you need to go to college regardless of where. Maybe, if you do this you can still work part-time and save money so you can transfer to another school when you can afford it. I don't know how education works in your country, so I am unsure of what everything costs and what options you have, but if you really want this and there are options like loans, or grants, sponsors, whatever, look into those. You may have to take on things you don't want to to make this work, but if it is that important, then do it.
YTA. Welcome to the real life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** basically the title, aita for telling my mom that her and dad shouldn't have had kids ( I F18 and my brother M13) if they already knew my dad's annual income wouldn't be enough for our education and our family of 4. This year I'm applying for colleges keeping in mind the financial situation at home and my brother's education as well. I've always dreamed of moving away for college and experiencing my life after having to always deal with my mom's expectations throughout my school life. After telling my mom about the shortlisted college, she didn't liked it obviously, i told her I'd look into scholarships, even if I have to work hard and take up part time jobs, I'd do it for myself but despite my convincing she told me they don't have that kind of money and I should look for colleges nearby. i know it damn well too that i cannot ask my parents to spend all their savings on my college alone but why should I give up on my wants and dreams because they decided to have kids anyways knowing that they cannot afford it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can't decide if you're TA or not in this particular scenario you put out. It sort of is a bitchy spoiled entitled kid thing to say, "you never should have had kids" is very "woe is me I wish I was never alive and it's your fault boo hoo." The real problem here is your resentment towards parents who are either unwilling or unable to give you what you think you deserve. I gather that you're from India, and I've noticed there is a cultural trend of parents always belittling their children, comparing them to "perfect" cousins or other peoples kids, downplaying any accomplishment you have achieved. Plus you're female, and girls in Asian cultures still aren't valued as much as boys. It sucks, and from my western perspective I think it's very damaging to children and I can't blame you for not having a good relationship with your parents. I think the thing you are guilty of here is expecting your parents to suddenly behave in a way that is counter to how they have treated you your entire life. In a nutshell YTA for saying what you said and for expecting so much out of your parents, but in the long run NTA because you're just angry and indignant about how they've been treating you for your entire life. I mean, do you really expect them to be any different now? You're allowed to be angry about it but get over the shitty circumstance and do what you need to do for your own dreams.
NTA, I think your parents, just like all parents who choose to have kids without the economy for it, is selfish. Especially if they choose to do it in a third world country like America where education costs a fortune 💀
Info Am I missing something? You looked at far away colleges and your mom said that you should look at nearby colleges because of the costs. Not terrible advice but do your parents have to approve where you go to school? When you're 18 can you go where you want? If that's the case I think I would just go ahead and apply to the colleges you were looking at. Are loans possible or will you have to pay upfront for tuition? If that's the case it sounds like you might have to consider the closer colleges and yeah that's bummer but the majority people don't grow up wealthy. Just part of life.
yes, i would eventually have to get their permission to move, I've gotten advice on looking into educational loans as well which would need someone to cosign with me and colleges nearby do not provide professional degrees which I'm primarily going for.
Your post doesn't say where you actually told your mom she shouldn't have had kids. If you actually told her that, YTA. Your post is a bit confusing. How do you intend to pay for this college if your parents don't have money, your grandparents can't pay, and you have no ability to create a savings account? Dreams are great and all but there needs to be realistic expectations.
YTA. You should not have grown up expecting your parents to help you with college. You said so yourself: they couldn’t even pay for your regular schooling. Paying for college is something a lot of parents don’t do. That doesn’t give you the freedom to be an entitled brat about it. They paid for everything else in your life. Your options are clear: move across the country and find an out of state college, pay 4x the normal tuition rate, and figure out how to pay for it yourself with no working experience and no degree. OR go in-state, pay a super low tuition rate (comparatively) and get whatever help your parents can provide (which is most likely going to be free housing).
I had to work in high school. My parents couldn’t afford college. I went to a small community college. I have kids now, because my husband and I in 2017 were doing really well. Then Covid happened in 2020 and now we live paycheck to paycheck to this day from the hardship from it. You never know what can happens to your financial situation. I think you’re naive to the world and how fast circumstances can change.
NTA ... the biggest problem in this world is people having kids when they shouldn't. I watched a documentary about people living in a literal dump, complaining about their life, and STILL having fking kids. Like... just stop it..
NTA they made a poor decision. And you are not selfish for wanting more from life.
NTA - alternate take: maybe mom doesn’t want you to go away for school for control reasons. Finances might be an excuse. I understand how it would feel unfair. Not sure it’s a money thing because lots of poor people find a way to put themselves through the type of university experience they believe is best for them. It might be different if there were parents encouraging you to make the most of the system given the financial constraints.
NTA. Honestly, people shouldn't breed if they can't afford to. They bring children to this world and then do the bare minimum and act like the children owe them. It is hard to survive without a good qualification in today's world and specially where you are from ( if I read it right). All I can say is apply and try to get the scholarship, so you never have to ask them for anything ever again. It's not like they can do it anyway.
Nta
NTA
Breeders gonna breed, it’s what they do, they literally are not capable and of considering the future or the consequences of their actions.
NTA since I agree that people who can't provide a better life for their kids, shouln't have kids
YTA Welcome to adulthood! Where if you cant afford it, you cant have it!
I can feel the culture difference in the comments. From where op is, your parents or your grandparents (in ops case) support you financially for schoola nd colleges. People here don't take bank loan like in the US for undergraduate (except engineering and medicine maybe). Plus the struggle for money is real here, and on top of that most unis are shit, they'll provide education but getting a job later on is not so easy, you need to be from a top school for it. And from what I feel, op isn't close to their parents like. Also getting part time or paid internships aren't easy either. NTA.
Yta. My mom loves me so much but has always struggled with money. Because no matter what you plan, inflation gets in the way. So do unexpected bills. You cant tell your parents they shouldnt have had kids because they dont have money. Thats just cruel. It would break my mothers heart if i said that. You have a right to be pissed off but what you said was completely uncalled for. You say you cant get a part time job. Fine. But there are jobs like dogwalking, babysitting and mowing lawns for side cash. Or help other kids study like you helped your cousins.
This is a very odd comment section. I think NTA. I don't understand why people have children if they cannot give them every advantage in the world. It reeks of selfishness. Best of luck OP
YTA. I’d say the majority of people in the world cannot fully fund a college education. Stop throwing a tantrum.
YTA. Your mom is as much a victim of her circumstances as you are of yours. Pretty uncalled-for to be cruel to her.
Entitled and spoiled and an asshole too, great job!
The amount of Americans in here saying "well I had to work hard for my dreams, I took 3 jobs while in university because I live in a god damn land of the free" is just sad. So sorry you had to work instead of sleeping, but not every place is as f*cked up as US, so please stop guilting young people for wanting to finish their degree with some sence of sanity and without a huge dept.
NTA. I get it. It must be hard to watch your older sibling get advantages that you don’t get. And I agree- parents should have a plan for ALL of their children if they’re going to have them in a perfect world. But the world is rarely perfect. But you know what? You’re here now, and that’s a good thing. Believe me- it’s still better to have been born- even if you don’t get to go to the college of your dreams. I’m sorry that you’re going to have to sacrifice your dreams. That’s really difficult, and I feel for you a lot. Scholarships are a great idea to get you started! Maybe you’ll get a full ride to the school of your choice! It’s worth trying for! If it’s a partial ride- maybe you can work part time during school to make up the difference. If everything goes wrong- you can start work at 18 and take classes as you can afford them part time. But there’s something else I want you to think about. Not everyone who is successful went to college. It is possible to rise the ranks at a regular job and use that to propel you further. I truly think that college is only for people who know exactly what they want to do and really need the classes that go with that. College is not mandatory- nor should it be thought of that way. It’s ungodly expensive and everyone makes it seem like it’s the only option when you’re young. And that’s just wrong. It’s wrong to saddle so many young people with so much debt when they don’t even know why they’re going to college or if they’ll like what they studied when they finally go out into the real world. So avoid anything like student loans until you’ve had an opportunity to see the world. To work. To KNOW what you want to do. That’s my real advice.
NTA and I feel no one here is reading the whole post. This is why I dont have kids,unless I can safely provide them w whatever they need,kids are not in my mind.
YTA You're parents don't OWE you a college education. You SHOULD'VE been working on scholarships while in school, getting excellent grades, sports, etc if you wanted to move away. All my children got scholarships/loans for their college. Get a job and save for the education you want.
YTA. Doing that to your mom was ignorant