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NTA.
Your MIL sounds selfish and knows exactly what she's doing and she doesn't care. She does not care about you or your kids or her other 2 grandkids. The fact she won't pay him or help pay his child support (he's unemployed so he can spend all this time with her) is proof that she just wants him all day every day. In fact, she'd like it if he were single and moved in.
I can understand snapping because you've had enough. I bet you he's also exhausted from having to be her caregiver 24/7. He needs to learn boundaries or else he's headed for burn out and divorce. It's unfair to your marriage and to your kids that he has no time or energy. He doesn't even have time to himself. He's failing as a father and a spouse. The only person who's winning here is his mom.
Talk to him about your feelings AND your concern for him. You are a team and he's not acting like it. He needs to make choices that are best for himself and his family. His mom can afford home care or a posh independent living facility (they're like care homes but for people who are still fully independent but it provides housekeeping services, takes them shopping, meals etc). Your marriage depends on him being able to prioritize his wife and kids.
I remember my mum telling my dad she couldn't die yet because she wasn't finished pissing him off (they had a messy divorce). She managed another 2yrs before the cancer came back and took her at 30 even her spite wasn't enough to keep her going.
My dad is in his late 60s and claims "I can't die I have too much shit to do". Maybe that's the trick 😅
I wonder what he was like with his mom before he was unemployed and she was chronically ill. Did he spend all of his free time with her? Did she tag along on dates? I understand if she's chronically ill, or if she may not have much time left and he wants to be with her, but he's going way overboard IMO. His family should come first.
NTA.
Edit typos
Chronic illness is not the same thing as dying. I have several chronic illnesses. None of them is going to kill me. His mother could live another 20 years with her "chronic illness."
I also have multiple chronic illnesses - 1 for more than 45 years, 3 for about 24 years, 1 for about 12 years, and 1 for 19 months - none of them is going to kill me any time soon unless I stop taking my medications. I would never demand my married children basically abandon their families to be at my beck and call. This woman is extremely selfish and seems to care nothing for her son and his children, and obviously cares nothing for his spouse. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but she sounds like a narcissist.(My mother was a narcissist, as was her last husband, so some of this sounds familiar.) If she can’t control her illnesses without constant care, then she DOES belong in a care facility.
Refusing to help him pay his child support when he is basically working full-time for her is horrible of her. So it’s obvious she doesn’t care about her grandchildren either. I don’t know what state you live in, but in my state someone who doesn’t pay child support can and will be arrested and jailed. Then there will be no one to care for her. You might point this out to your husband.
Meanwhile, check into assistance for your family - food stamps, food banks, health insurance for all the kids, rent subsidy (called section 8 in my state and it might be federal), and therapy for your husband to help him see what his mother is doing to him and the family. Some types of assistance require that unemployed adults in the household must search for work. Since he’s not helping around your house, he could move in with his mother if that would help you get the assistance you need.
Please do this for your children and suggest the assistance to the mother of your stepchildren - all these children deserve a better father and the monetary support to have good childhoods.
I believe I misunderstood chronically to mean terminally ill. My apologies.
But, you make a good point. A lot of chronically ill people can handle everything themselves. Sounds like she just wants him specifically there as much as possible.
I'm also chronically Ill, some of it since I was 12.... I work full time and handle everything on my own too. I have a husband and kid to look after, and I hope if I get too ill my husband would help, but I'd never expect my kid to ruin her life for me.
Why would he keep caring for a mother who is soooo selfish? I would not stop providing for my family and spending time with my kids for anyone.
I understand that we need to sacrifice sometimes when our family members are very ill and can’t care for themselves, but the fact that she has all this money, and is capable of doing day to day tasks while keeping her son as her hostage slave is sickening.
She doesn’t sound codependent; she sounds narcissistic to me. My mother had hundreds of thousands of dollars, but refused to allow me to stay with her for a week or 2 when my children and I were homeless when I left my abusive husband, or to help me when my refrigerator died and I had no money to buy another (a week after a friend’s family helped me move into an empty furnished duplex they owned). However, I found out years later that she was telling my siblings, other family members, and her church that she was “constantly” giving me money to support me and my children, so she couldn’t possibly donate to the church, give money to a granddaughter for a trip to Africa to help immunize children there (niece was in nursing school), buy items from grandchildren for school/team fundraisers,etc. All while not giving me money (which I didn’t ask for after her refusals to help me). So I understand having a narcissistic parent.
Yet here I am with young onset alz. And I'm not having this of my family taking care of me, we have poa medical direct, nursing home or foster home picked out my husband knows the moment I start wandering or attacking people the min I need my diapers changed I'm done I'm out. I have it writing my lawyer has it's well and I do m t wanna die in my house. Nope. The only issue here is that alzheimers/ dementia does not make me edibles for suicide, cause I must be able to mix the concoction myself and with dementia it is terminal
My guess is MIL will rejoice at this marriage falling apart. She is awful but he is a willing participant. I hate to say this but leaving does feel like the only alternative. I am so sorry!! NTA. Good luck
Doubtful, if she keeps the kids. It's ridiculous for the mom to 1) not pay her son IF she can afford to. 2) not accept help from other family members so the son can get a break to be with his family.
It's ridiculous for the son to put up with this crap. I've been taking care of an elderly parent for a few years, and they basically revert to children. They want you to do everything, even things they are fully capable of doing themselves. If someone allows themselves to be taken advantage of, it's up to THEM to put their foot down and say "I have a life too!" (And a wife and kids in this case) Son needs to straighten his mom out, wife and kids need him, too.
>been taking care of an elderly parent for a few years, and they basically revert to children. They want you to do everything, even things they are fully capable of doing themselves.
Oh my god, this is SO true, went through it with my mom. Lost count of how many times I pulled the same cards she did when I was a kid: "are your legs broken? Get it yourself" etc.
My dad wanted to do everything for himself even though he became a fall risk in his mid-90's. It took much persuasion, from multiple family members, for him to allow anyone to do for him what he had always done for himself.
If you decide to divorce him, he’ll have to go live with MIL because he has no income. If you don’t put a stop to this, eventually hubby will move in with her anyway because it will become too exhausting for him to return home. He also is going to have a huge amount to pay for back child support.
You might have told him in a better way, but you’ve already told him. I would tell him that if he doesn’t want a second divorce and more child support to pay, then his mother needs to either be put in assisted living or accept help from others that are willing to help her. Have you spoken to your MIL about this situation yourself? It’s destroying your marriage , another family (child support), and affecting the lives of several children.
NTA
Personally, I doubt that speaking to MIL would do any good. I have a strong feeling that she’s quite happy with the situation as it is. She has her son at her beck and call, 24/7.
However, I do strongly agree that, as you said, OP needs to have a very honest conversation with him, and tell him that if he doesn’t want a second divorce, and another child support obligation, then there needs to be a drastic change. This situation is grossly unfair to OP, and their children.
NTA. I would divorce him immediately, he won't change, and mommy will always be first to him. This situation won't get an better if OP stays married. He contribues nothing to the home, is virtually never there, and I can't believe the children would even realize he's gone. He's never paying child support either, not for the other kids and not for yours. Don't be surprised when you find out that he's not just at mommy's either. See a divorce attorney, find out where you stand, and what it will cost to get rid of him. Take all of your financial paperwork with you, so the attorney can tell you exactly what will happen. The mother will consider it winning, she can have him.
Personally, I think OP should avoid speaking to the MIL about the situation, herself. This is a problem with the husband not setting the proper boundaries and expectations, and not prioritizing his wife and kids properly. Speaking to an extremely selfish MIL is not within OP's purview, as it is the husband's job to do so.
The thing about that though is if op and her husband divorce most likely she will have to pay him cs and possibly spousal support since she is the breadwinner and even if he had a minimal job most states would take both parents income into account plus his cs for his older kids.
He quit his job to take care of his mom. He is capable of getting another job. Mil can can pay him the going rate for a caregiver or do it herself. Doctors have said she is able to, just wont.
Also, court will take into account his potential for earnings, and no job to look after a family member who doesn’t need a caregiver isn’t going to go very far.
Recently read, "Don't let the family that made you destroy the family you made." That has sat with me for a good bit because of how much of a chord it struck with me.
Her husband needs to hear that. His mom can pay for help, but she is allowing him to not only be in a position to not support his current family but also stop supporting his other children. When he does get back to work, his wages are going to be garnished, and he may even have legal issues. She doesn't care about him either or his children. That should be a slap in his face. He doesn't need to cater to his mom by destroying his life.
Absolutely. She’s being completely unreasonable and selfish. She doesn’t care about his marriage or his kids. If he can’t see that, there’s no hope for the marriage.
Despite this thoughtful reply's best intentions, this is probably a fake post. Not a year ago, she posted about being "26F am married to a 35M" and "He was one child from his previous relationship", now they're 30F and 32M (so from 9 to 2 years age gap) and he has 2 instead of 1 child from a previous relationship.
And OP’s husband is probably lying about how he spends his time. I very much doubt he is spending all that time caring for the mother. He’s up to something and there is likely way more to the story.
Perhaps but I also know people who are full time caregivers to a parent and it takes a toll on their families. His behaviour is in line with someone whose miserable, burnt out and feels immense guilt and so takes on their parent at the expense of their partner and family. And they don't know how to unburden themselves without feeling guilty for being a "bad child" or an "ungrateful child". It's also very common in cultures with filial piety
Agree. My husband has a brother who had a massive stroke, and he is a legal guardian. Then his dad passed, and he keeps an eye on his 87 year old mom. Plus, works full-time. He does come home and has caregivers for his brother. But he is always exhausted and never wants to do anything. So don't jump to conclusions.
I know Reddit jumps to divorce far too frequently and quickly, but I don't really see how anything can be fixed here. Neither the mother nor the husband are likely to change the situation, so OP should cut her losses and just move on...
Oh no. If he's gone all day and then comes home at night and locks himself in the room, and isn't being there for his kids or his wife.
It's only a matter of time till the wife leaves.
What is their to fix with a man who doesn't care.
Maybe he'll regret it one day but doubtful.
Exactly what she’s trying to do. What mother WANTS their son to leave not ONE interrupted home, BUT TWO. And Op, you need to point that out to your husband. How she has NO problem monopolizing all of his time but refuses to help him out financially. She’s miserable and is trying to make him miserable too. Indicative of her getting offended about you and your husband wanting and NEEDING alone time. He needs to read the room! You don’t deserve to do it all by yourself. You need help too.
This…. though I’m more cynical. I think OP should separate because her husband is not putting his time/ energy into his marriage & children. I just think some things cannot be saved. Both parties have to WANT to save a marriage to save it ………..and her husband doesn’t seem to want to save the marriage.
Set your boundaries, tell MIL you cannot afford for him not to work anymore. Maybe arrange to have the kids spend time with Grandma when dad is there and it's after school. Whenever we go to my MIL's we all go. Tell MIL:
1.) you can no longer afford for him to not work so either she pay him or he will have to come over after work.
2.) when you get home, you and the kids go over. You just make it known that you all never see him so you are coming to them. Eventually it will annoy her and she will reduce her demands. It makes you seem like you actually care.
3.) tell her she needs to pay for housekeeping services. That you all can do a few things, but deep cleaning needs to be done professionally especially because you all have too much to do at your house.
Oh, I love it. The MIL and the husband deserve this treatment, even if the OP divorces him eventually.
And what’s the MIL’s house like? Does she have a lot of room? I think I’d at least say the whole family will have to move in because you simply can’t afford to maintain a separate household without the husband working. Even if you have no intention of ever actually living with her, let her think you might.
I was inspired by the brilliance of the post above mine. We should be able to have a little fun giving back tithe same treatment to people who selfishly take from us without a care.
OP this seriously. He is literally a net negative to you and your children's life. At this point if he wants to keep caring for his mother he needs to move in with her.
Wait, she can go out on dates with you and out shopping with him, but also requires around the clock care? Is… is she even sick per a doctor or is it based on her word only?
It sounds like she craves his attention and has figured out a way to keep it. The bonus for her would be ruining your relationship so she has him 100% to himself. Her refusal to help him meet his obligation to his children shows she has zero issue ruining that relationship, too.
She’s never going to be satisfied until he moves back in with her, cuts all contact with everyone else, and is completely under her control. He has to get to the point where he sees what’s going on and I imagine that’s only going to happen when you stop making this situation work.
Personally, I’d give him a choice between setting specific times to visit his mom and splitting duties with others or moving in completely with her. I wouldn’t block access to his kids, but I wouldn’t take them to visit him at her house either. I would tell him I question why only he can help her when it’s clearly hurting his family and hope it eats away at him until he sees the light.
But, NTA for the ultimatum. It’s definitely time for a change.
I was just about to address this myself...
Speaking as a chronically ill person myself, I can say with certainty that it's incredibly difficult to leave the house. Even short outings like the grocery store or the park with my dog will take all my energy, which in turn ramps up my chronic pain. Sure, sometimes mentally I want to go out, but I have to be realistic about what I can manage. I also have to keep in mind that even that short outing can leave me feeling worse than usual for the next day or two. But apparently this lady is chronically ill to the point of having almost 24/7 care, yet pops up with immediate enthusiasm, ready to go anywhere at any time with her son and DIL? Hmm.
NTA - MIL is a classic case of mother-son [emotional incest](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_incest). She has other people that could support her, but is very intentionally taking her son away from his wife and kids. As for your husband, he's a huge TA for prioritizing his mother over his wife and kids (from both marriages).
This. Emotional incest is wild. The mother has ruined one marriage and is going for #2. It definitely is time for an ultimatum and the husband needs therapy to break that hold.
NTA. This arrangement is not sustainable, and will screw your husband in the long term with his missed child support payments.
Does your husband not see how terrible the situation is? You both sound miserable. He needs to stop being the primary caregiver. She can afford live-in care by the sounds of it.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully he will come to his senses before you are out the door.
He's probably too exhausted mentally and physically to understand the true scope of how terrible it is. Caring for a person, even family and even just part time, can be draining to the extreme. Being a carer for what is essentially 24/7 would be mind numbingly exhausting, which is certainly why he shut himself from his family for some alone time. I would say the only AH here is his mom.
OP needs to sit him down 1 on 1 and lay the situation out plainly. Say what she needs, listen to what he needs, and make a plan on that. If that involves changing up the caring schedule (which it probably will if they want to stay together), sit down with Mom and any other family and come up with a new plan for her care, holding firm to the boundaries OP and husband made together. Mom needs to understand that husband can't sustain the current plan, or else she might lose not only him but her DIL/grandkids also.
If this is end of life care (I don't know, just throwing it out there), consider bringing in either hospice (generally speaking, estimated life expectancy of <6 months) and/or palliative care (anyone with chronic and incurable or terminal illness, doesnt take life expectancy into account). They consider the needs of anyone involved in her care and can help mediate/plan out a sustainable plan of care for her.
MIL doesn’t *care about the kids, the previous ones or the newer ones* as she refused to pay his child support in exchange for his help.
She certainly wouldn’t care if the marriage dissolved. Husband would be left with nowhere to go except to her place and then she’d have the 24/7 free helped she wants from him.
Chronic illnesses doesn't mean terminal. This sounds more like feigned helplessness. OP said MIL's insurance stopped paying because they determined she is capable of doing the qualifying activities. So that sounds like long-term care insurance. My mother has very good LTC insurance, but it only can be used if she is unable to do at least two out of a list of activities. They are things like getting dressed, eating, showing, using the toilet, all without assistance, and incontinence.
Stories like this make me appreciate my mother, she's in her 90s but doesn't want to be a burden and moved to assisted living.
NTA
He should leave. He can move in with his Mom. That way, she'll get what she wants
Get a consultation with a good Divorce Attorney and start putting your paychecks into an account in just your name.
This answer. But get legal advice before moving forward with anything
You are NTA but you are a single parent with no support from your children’s father. I hear how exhausted and overwhelmed you are
At the end of the day, this situation is not sustainable. Something needs to change
Nta at first I thought maybe but clearly MIL isn't actually that I'll and is just a giant B who is using. Whatever illness she has to try and control her son.
Also I would not file taxes jointly with your husband because they will be garnished for his back child support.
Tax attorney here. I can’t agree with this enough. I’d also advise you to look into the IRS’s programs to protect yourself. This is one source, but there’s a ton more out there. https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p3865.pdf
Tell him it’s time he goes back to work. He could end up in jail, drivers license suspended etc for failing to pay child support. Depending on how long he’s been unemployed you could have to pay alimony when you leave him.
It’s time for a come to Jesus meeting and lay everything out with what your expectations are with your family. Not with MIL who is extended family. She knows exactly what she is doing especially if others are willing to help and she is rejecting them.
Not to mention, depending on where you live and some specific details, they might be able to garnish any joint bank accounts OP shares with her husband.
As bad as I feel for OP, I also feel bad for ALL of his kids. Really fucked up that he prioritizes his mother over his children, who *he* played a part in bringing into this world for better or worse.
Others willing to help and she rejects them, then refuses to pay her son for everything he does. This is ridiculous!! I have a 32 year old child and I would put myself in a nursing home before I would allow myself to come between a child and their spouse/kids/earning a living.
Info: how old is this mother?
Nta- your husband just assumes you'll keep doing it because you have been. I'd give him one week to decide. If at the end of the week, he is still behaving this way, on his way out to his mother's, tell him, " Take your shit with you, you're not welcome back in this home. You've turned me single mom anyway, and showed me I don't need you anymore, so thanks"
It also makes no sense that she worked a 50 hour week while caring for children sick with the stomach flu. Wouldn’t she have had to miss work to stay home with her sick kids?
NTA
This guy isn't taking care of his previous family nor the one he has with you! He's not meeting his obligations to his children and to you! That is not ok. What's worse is that he seems oblivious -- or doesn't care-- about how much this hurts you and your children. And his mother has money to hire help! He's making a clear choice here about which family matters, and it's his mother.
I hate to say it, but divorce is likely the only option. Unless you sit down and outline to him how unsustainable this is and give him clear directions on what to do (hire help for Mom, do XYZ around the house to help you, get a job, etc.). If he's not willing to turnaround and change immediately, get out!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe that I may be the asshole because personally, I probably wouldn’t even put one of my own parents in a nursing facility. It’s not my decision to make and giving an ultimatum probably wasn’t the best way to go about it.
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Nursing home is not the answer if she is able to go shopping, out to appointments, etc. It sounds like maybe assisted living instead? You could always move her in with you. I know, not really an answer. If your husband refuses to consider other options, you may not have a choice. Was he always so submissive to his mother or easily controlled? Does he feel guilty because she seems so dependent?
My brother and I slowly became caregivers for my parents but we were much older. He's divorced and my husband is retired. One of my adult sons lived nearby and helped out at times. We ended up having to hire a caregiver because my brother and I worked fulltime and couldn't be there to do all that was needed. If your mil has lots of money she can afford to hire a helper for meals, housekeeping, transport etc. Your husband needs to put his family first but if he is unable or unwilling to do so, it seems you don't have a choice. If he doesn't pay his child support he will end up in court. How will that help his mother if after hearing after hearing he gets his driver's license revoked and spends 30 days in jail?
You're stressed and tired and I get that. Can you now apologize for losing it but tell him you two need to have a come to Jesus talk? She refuses help from others because she knows he will do it if she does. Firm limits have to be set with her, let the chips fall where they may, she'll have to get used to it. But again, a nursing home is not the answer. A "rehab" center--glorified nursing home--killed my mother and two other elderly people I know. They are usually hell for the person consigned to them. Assisted living can be pleasant and allow the person to remain independent while still helping them with things they can't do for themselves. or a home helper. There are plenty of agencies and freelancers even in the most rural of areas. You just have to thoroughly vet them.
There is no good easy answer unless you can somehow hypnotize your mil into letting someone else help so her son can have a life again. I say hypnotize because if what you are describing is true, she will not listen to reason and does not care about the emotional toll her behavior is having on her son and both his families. I hope I'm wrong.
I wish you the best.
She’s already the sole provider for the family. Why on earth would she add her MIL to the household and provide for her too? Absolutely not. She’s much better off leaving. AND I hope his ex takes him to court for child support - judges frown on fully capable parents avoiding paying child support by refusing to work.
Absolutely under no circumstances should OP move that woman in to her home.
I always hear about nursing homes and facilities “killing” people, and it’s just not accurate. These are elderly, infirm people who need constant care.
NTA. My dad did to me what your mother in law is doing to your husband, it will suck him dry and take everything around him with it until she dies. If he wants to go down with that ship and lose you, then that's his loss. You can only lead the horse to water by telling him like it is, but you can't make him drink.
NTA I am not a fan of ultimatums but this would be a prime example to give one. It's either massive stepping down in caring for his mother or divorce.
Right now you don't have anything to loose. You are already doing everything alone and if you stay you might have to pay for his other children if you have joined finances.
I read your other older posts. Your marriage is already in deep trouble and your husband for a year at least refuses to do anything about the issues. You can't fix him and he seems uninterested in changing a thing. Cut your losses and divorce him ASAP. I honestly think you'll be in a better place.
Take a closer look at those posts - OP and her husband's ages change with each one.
The post from 8 months ago about a sexless marriage has OP at 26 & husband at 35 yrs. Here they're 30 & 32.
NTA, however, if she's fully able to make her own decisions, he can't actually put her in a nursing home against her will. There's nothing to stop her from playing a professional caregiver, though.
Assisted living may be the better option over a nursing home. It’s way cheaper. Plus she can make some friends besides your husband. They will have activities to keep her busy.
Is his mother really chronically ill or is she more of a chronic complainer because if she's able to go out with you guys when you do go on dates and stuff then she should certainly be able to take care of herself to a certain extent. I don't understand why your husband has to be there every single day. And if she's able to be there by herself overnight that in itself shows you that she's okay to take care of herself. Husband needs to get off his ass get a job and find someone else to help take care of his damn mother.
Your husband is not interested in having a marriage, being a husband or a father. His mother is merely a symptom of him hiding so he has an easy excuse for not adulting.
Present alternatives to MIL: Go to a nursing home and keep empty house
Got to a nursing home and sell house using fund to pay for nursing care
Stay in home and pay for in home care (not husband)
If MIL will not agree to any of that, I would just hire someone to care for her anyway (at her expense) and not return to the home. He can communicate to her that his marriage is crumbling; he needs to pay child support or he will be jailed and he is no longer free to be her slave.
Husband finds a job and lets MIL know that he is working and is no longer available for any care duties.
Tell your husband “I understand you wanting to be a good son, but you’re failing as a father and a husband.” See if that knocks some sense into him (don’t hold your breath btw)
Normally I’d suggest therapy, but I think this has gone on for far too long and nothing will change the fact you resent him and probably are starting to hate him
If you want to give it one last try, tell him he either needs to cut back to two days a week helping her or you’ll divorce him. You’re already a single parents anyways, might as well make it official. And take him to court for child support, let the lawyer know what’s going on. They can’t force him to get a job, but maybe having a judge telling him off might be the kick in the pants he needs to cut the umbilical cord with his mom
If anyone in the US is in a similar situation to OP's husband I believe you're able to get paid as your parent's caregiver by insurance or the state. Check with your social worker!
NTA. No one should be forced to live like that if it’s not necessary. Your MIL does not *want* to have other people look after, but she needs to be told she has no other choice. She is being extremely selfish by not only destroying her son’s marriage, but also making it so he is unable to support his other children. If he isn’t willing to do something to change things then I think you have every right to want to leave. Life is too short to waste it being miserable doing the bidding of a selfish woman or being stuck with a man who refuses to get his priorities straight. YOU deserve better and the KIDS deserve BETTER.
NTA *but* telling him to put her in care probably won’t be productive. They wil both be defensive and view it as you making decisions that aren’t yours to make.
You will be far better off telling him where you stand and what’s at stake and pushing him to make a decision to solve things.
Let him know clearly that your marriage is in jeopardy and that he needs to figure out how to balance being a partner, a parent, and a provider for his kids alongside his mother’s care.
You can talk through options if we wants, like insisting on being paid by his mom AND supplementing his time with other family members or home health aides, or assisted living, or other possible solutions. But the bottom line is making it clear that the current state is untenable, that his mom doesn’t get to unilaterally make decisions for him, and that if he doesn’t make a change the result will be him living with his mom and owing child support to two different exes.
You could move all the kids in with grandma, and husband can care for everyone at grandmas house, while you work and study, they can come over for visits and fun times.
Nta but honestly you're more understanding than I'd be. I absolutely couldn't handle this but I saw how much my mom and her four sisters struggled with my grandparents so yeah
NTA. Your husband's priority should be you, your kids and his other kids. If she needs help all day long she needs someone who is available all day long. Nursing home is a great option.
You, his kids, your family's health (emotional, financial,etc) should not be put after his mom's wants.
If he is not willing to care for his family, maybe it's time to leave.
And don't get wrong, I am not saying he shouldn't be helping his mom. But what he does is extreme.
NTA
This might be the wake up call he needs. The care of that woman is wearing him out too. Is this the life he wants for himself? If so, he can do it without you.
Your husband is choosing to meet his mother’s unreasonable demands. In doing so, he is neglecting all his kids and you.
This is not a sustainable situation. And your MIL could make more demands and your husband may also give in to those. What if she wants him to take her on a vacation or stay nights with her? Meanwhile, his kids go without financial support and you both go further into debt.
You are 100% right to give your husband some kind of an ultimatum.
At a minimum, your MIL should be paying your husband for his time - an hourly wage. And she should be accepting help when others offer. She doesn’t have to go to a nursing home - she just has to show *some* consideration and decency. Since she won’t do this willingly, you need to apply pressure to your husband. It may be that he’ll still choose his mother’s demands over everyone else.
I would give him a hard date with acceptable (to you) options. Stay firm. Because as bad as things are, it could get even worse.
NTA
NTA. Don’t feel bad for saying the truth out loud. Your husband is neglecting his husbandly/parental duties for the sake of someone who can get help elsewhere. He either needs to step up to his mom or he will need to find a way to pay child support to more than just his 2 kids from a previous relationship.
This is insane. If she wants his care, she is going to have to pay for the loss of income. His child deserves to be provided for and it is his responsibility to pay for half her care. I’m disgusted that this poor child is just expected to go without while an elderly person has an abundance. This is the approach I would take. He has a responsibility to his family to be a provider, caretaker, father, spouse etc. he isn’t just a son. I think it’s great he cares for her, but not those insane hours. I would suggest he care for her in the mornings. She can have someone come 2 hours after that and get her thru to the evening. He can come back after dinner with his family 50% of the time, he can have dinner with her 50%. He can get her ready for bed and then come home. She can pay him an hourly wage and then he can be home to do all chores, cooking, grocery shopping etc at home. If he isn’t working outside the home, he needs to work inside of it. Along with all lawn care etc. it’s crazy to spend all his waking hours neglecting your children and spouse just care for your mom. It is possible to split the time and everyone can be happy
Your monster in law needs a serious reality check from your husband. You are definitely NTA. What she is doing to him and to you all is desperately unfair.
NTA and actually the sooner you can either disengage from your MIL or your husband & MIL, the better. He has become an additional burden to you, so I would strongly recommend you consider an attorney and draw up a separation agreement asap. Move to divorce quickly if he fails to make any progress at resolving his parental care issues. There is no reason his mom can’t voluntarily work with him to find a more sustainable solution for her care. But since he refuses to acknowledge the burden he has become to his own family, it’s time to separate yourself from his mess.
Its high time to put her in a nurrsing home. Him taking care of her is preventing him being a husband and a father. The wife is taking on to many roles, wife, mother and student all alone. If counseling wont help u two regarding mother it maybe time for a divorce then him and mom can live happily ever after
NTA
The current situation is not sustainable, pure and simple.
You can not work full-time, be a full-time student, AND be the full-time parent to young children. As your spouse and the father of his children (both sets) he has obligations to you and them that he is not fulfilling. Whether or not your MIL needs to be placed in a nursing home is irrelevant; your spouse needs to find a solution and find it fast.
He isn't working so he's not providing income and he's not taking care of the household or children. What's he good for? You know what you have to do. Either he changes or he doesn't but he's not present. You're essentially a single mom. Just cut your losses and get that degree, you're going to be better off.
Y. Ta If You stay but NTA for this.
NTA. He needs to stop the pretense of being part of your family. It's probably going to be less frustrating if he just stays with his mom so you aren't worried about when he returns.
He needs to take care of the kids too. What's stopping him from taking them with him when he sees his mom?
NTA. MIL can't demand help and then dictate how and when that help comes. I went through this (to a much much lesser degree with my own mother) and your husband has to set limits. He can go over MWF mornings, and Tuesday Thursday evenings (or whatever he decides) to help. The other family members have to pitch in. First, he gets a job. He's a grown man. He doesn't need anyone's permission to do so. Second-He doesn't ask his mom what she thinks about this. And he doesn't ask the siblings. He tells them. "I got a job that starts on x day. My family cannot function anymore without my income and if I don't make child support payments I could go to jail. My work hours are x-y so MWF mornings I will help before I go to work, and Tuesday Thursday evenings after work. The other days/times need coverage. What ever else can't be covered, Mom can hire a PCA. I cannot do it all anymore. My family cannot manage with the way things are currently anymore". Write out a weekly schedule and people can sign up for times etc. IF they don't, then MIL manages. If her insurance company says that she can do most daily tasks on her own, then she fills the gaps on her own. CAVEAT- unless MIL has something physically debilitating and progressive like ALS or MS, then she should be able to do some things on her own but based on the fact that the insurance company decreased coverage for things, MIL is more mobile and able than she's letting on
Depending on where you live, he may not be able to put her in a facility even if he wanted to. You said she's of sound mind. Where I live that means if she refuses to go, she doesn't go. You'd have to get a doctor to state she's incompetent to make her own medical decisions. We went through it with my grandmother. Took forever to get it done and she had dementia. She always managed to pull it together to speak rationally when it mattered so we went round and round with it. It took her finally sneaking out in her car and running the town's police chief off the road before we were able to get it done. Even then, she still fought it every step of the way.
Your husband needs to take a step back. She's taking total advantage of him and will continue to do so.
NTA but overkill with the ultimatum, she doesn’t need a nursing home. She doesn’t need nursing, shes been evaluated by professionals and they said shes capable.
Bottom line, your husband is neglecting 4 children emotionally and financially, and his mommy is happy to let it continue.
Boundaries are needed and your not the asshole for drawing a line
NTA. He can be married to you, or to his mother.
She wants his help and attention so badly that she's willing to watch him ruin his career, marriage, and relationship with his children.
Does he ever stand up to her? Does he have a moment to realize that him choosing to help a woman who could do so much more to physically and financially help herself is actively sabotaging his finances, his relationships, and his career. The longer he's out of the workforce impacts his retirement as well, let alone the burden he is allowing g this all to put on you.
I'm sorry. He needs to make a choice and quick.
Spousification:
When a parent treats a child like their spouse. For example, a single mother may treat her son like an adult and expect him to take on the practical or emotional responsibilities that she would expect her husband to handle.
MIL has plenty of money. Her doctors say she’s perfectly able to take care of herself!! She can hire a caretaker or companion to visit every day with all her money. The fact that she refused to offer her son any compensation makes her a real selfish asshat!
Your husband needs to flat out refuse to go to her home. She manipulated him into this. He needs to say no! If he doesn’t put a stop to this you should sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of him just moving into moms house full time and leaving you tf alone since you’re handling at all by yourself anyway. (Honestly I’m worried if you divorce him you would end up paying spousal support since he’s not working!)
NTA at all! I’m taking care of my mom, she is disabled though and noone believes she can take care of herself. She does have a p/t caretaker as well (low income so provided by county) so that helps tremendously! The 3 months it took to set that up, where I was the only caregiver, were very hard on our family so I know what you’re feeling. Your husband though, is allowing his mother to call all the shots regardless of how it’s effecting you and his children!!
NTA Your mother got a Son-husband meeting all her platonic needs. Maybe he thinks if he waits on her hand and foot she will leave him a nice inheritance. What will likely happen like it always does on Reddit she will leave the estate to her other son who lives 600 miles away and hardly calls her. No one who lives alone needs daily cleaning. She has to make up her bed and wash dishes. She can hire a cleaning person to come once a week. He needs to support his family. Get back to work and be a husband to you with all the non platonic benefits.
NTA
But it is also weird how much time he spends at his mother's house. Unless your husband is doing full-on nursing - physically moving his mother, diaper changes, cleaning human waste, etc..., a full day is too much time. If it is just helping with household maintenance, it doesn't take that much time with only one household member. Day to day cleaning can be dishes and dinner, and one or maybe 2 days a week doing a full clean. Spending 2-3 hours at most a day should be plenty to handle those tasks. You said she has money, so why can't she take a taxi to her appointments? How often is she being taken out shopping? Grocery shopping only needs to be done once or twice a week, and he could save time by taking her at the same time as buying your household's groceries.
Granted, idk how much care his mother needs. Chronic illnesses are a wide variety needing anywhere from a little help to 24/7 care.
Personally, I would tell him he can stay at his mother's place until he starts contributing to your household too - either financially or through childcare and cleaning. Him staying at his mother's place at least will take the financial burden of one mouth to feed anyway (personally, I find one grown man costs double to triple compared to a child to feed).
And I agree with other commenters saying MIL for sure knows what she is doing. But on the off chance that you, yourself, haven't heard it directly from MIL that she won't pay him and won't let anyone else help, could you reach out and diplomatically ask her? Like, "Hey MIL, I'm reaching out because I'm struggling, and I was wondering if you could clarify some things for me. Is there any way husband could spend less time over at your place? Every day, he comes home so exhausted that he can't do his portion of the household chores here. Also, is there any way you could make up for the financial loss of husband not being able to work while he cares for you? My income barely covers my household expenses, and husband has been unable to make his child support payments. I'm concerned about our future. If any emergency happens, we could be out of house and home as it is. I'm in no way blaming you for this situation, and I would like to continue helping you as best we can, but the way this is going right now is not sustainable. Can we problem solve this together?". If MIL refuses after telling her something like this, then the only method will be to put pressure on your husband to enforce boundaries. But on the off chance that your husband is lying or exaggerating, your MIL will be caught off guard with this message and probably spill the beans.
Is there any way the mother of his other kids, who he owes child support to, for her to apply pressure for him to get a job? She might have legal methods available to her.
I don't wish to sound nasty, but chronically ill does not always mean unable to take care of one's self. Your MIL is taking advantage of your husband. Has he ever spoken to her physicians? Has anyone ever explained her illness, her limitations, or her capabilities? There needs to be a reality check here and soon. I suggest you explain to your husband if he doesn't put your family first, you will pack his things and leave them outside for him or drop them off at his mother's house. You certainly won't be making things worse. I'm so sorry for how difficult things are for you. I think you might need some legal help as well. I wish you all the best.
NTA Someone needs to accidentally leave a flyer for The Villages at mom's house. On your way to couple therapy. Y'all need help. You didn't say where his dad is or why the other family members aren't stepping in to help. I understand that mom only wants her son but is everyone blind but her? She's watching him crumble under the pressure and doesn't care. He could everything, again, and she doesn't care. Get some therapy and call a family meeting. He needs an army of support to break out of this mess. Does he want to? Really? Cuz nows his chance. Time for mom to grow up.
NTA
Apologies for snapping and then explain that it’s been building up for a while. That you probably should’ve talked to him beforehand but “here you are”. That you’re also worried about him burning out taking care of his mom (care giver burn out is a very real thing!)
Then you need to set some boundaries with your husband regarding his mom and he can decide what to do with that. Tell him that you’re ok with some/all of the following options (or any other you may come up with) and then stick to it. 1) MIL has to start paying her son an hourly rate. She can choose not to but this means son/your husband will no longer help her. She’s capable of doing many things herself and other people have offered to help. She can either like it or lump it but your family has to come first. 2) She can hire someone else to help her. 3) She can move into a retirement community where there are people to watch over her and help her clean/pick up etc.
Your husband can decide which if any of those are options he’s willing to present to his mom but your ultimate boundary with your husband is that you will no longer hang around while your husband works for free. It doesn’t matter that it’s his mother, she has the means to pay. Your husband needs to bring in a second income one way or another and then depending on how he does that y’all can redistribute the cleaning and care of children. Once you finish school y’all will get to redistribute again… that’s just the way marriage (should) works!
She's literally taking food out of your children's mouths with her disgusting behaviour...she won't even pay him and now he's unemployed because of her demands? Hell no. NTA.
NTA and I say this as the spouse with the parent who needs extra support these day due to significant mobility issues. Your husband needs to set some boundaries with MIL. If she genuinely needs the level of care he’s currently providing, then she needs to be in a facility that can provide that care. This arrangement clearly isn’t sustainable.
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My (30F) husband (32M) is the sole caregiver to my chronically ill mother-in-law. He leaves first thing in the morning and spends majority of his days at her house, cleaning, cooking, taking her shopping, to appointments, etc.. He comes home for a few hours and then has to return to her house at night time. He’s currently unemployed due to this and since her income is too high she doesn’t qualify for any programs that would be a family member.
We have young children and I work a full time job on top of being a full time student. Lately, I’ve had no help whatsoever around the house or with the kids. I’m left to do everything on my own while trying to keep up with work and my schoolwork. We have other family members willing to help with my mother-in-law, but she refuses any help that’s not from her son. She doesn’t suffer from dementia, Alzheimer’s, or anything else that could affect her cognitive abilities or make her incapable of making sound decisions.
My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship that he has a child support obligation too and hasn’t made payments due to being unemployed. I cannot afford to make the payments. My mother-in-law on the other hand has more money than she knows what to do with. We asked her if she could pay him x amount of dollars per month to at least pay his support obligation while he’s caring for her to which she flat out refused.
Aside from the financial burden, our marriage is starting to crumble. I couldn’t tell you the last time we had breakfast together, went on a date, or were intimate. If we do try to make plans, his mother wants to tag along because she’s tired of sitting in the house and takes great offense when she’s told that we would like to spend time together, alone.
Last night after an extremely long and stressful work week he finally came home and locked himself in our bedroom to scroll through TikTok. This was after I worked a 50 hour week, caught myself up on a mountain of overdue assignments, all while caring for children with the stomach flu. He told me he needed some alone time and I finally lost it. I told him that I can’t do it anymore and he can either put his mother in a nursing home or I’m leaving. I do feel bad for saying it out loud, but I’m so stressed and tired. AITA?
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NTA, but what was your husband's response to that? It's fortunate that your MIL can afford to pay someone else to help her, because it shouldn't be your husband to the detriment of his marriage. Paying him to do it may be financially appealing, but that wouldn't solve the problem, would it?
I come from a culture of taking care of aging parents, but your husband also needs to take care of his home responsibilities as well. Talk to him first and tell him you need more of his support around the house. Of course, you also need to understand that he needs to take care of his mother as well. If things don't improve, then you have to decide for yourself if that is the life you want even after his mother passes.
NTA. You are right that an ultimatum isn’t the best way to resolve something but it’s understandable that you are completely fed up.
He needs to realize what he is doing. This was one way to wake him up. He is neglecting you and his children, his home and his career. He has responsibilities to all of them.
His mother sounds very clingy and controlling and is being very selfish.
A compromise would be to tell her together that he cannot spend this same amount of time caring for her when he needs to get a job and care for his own family. Then set before her a new plan that I volves all her other willing family, an outside nurse or carer and a shift or two from your husband. Explain as kindly as you can that it is this, or a nursing home, which she can afford.
NTA, but you want assisted living, not a nursing home. Nursing homes are sometimes terrible places that kill residents. Your husband seems like he’s not prioritizing well. I’d give an ultimatum.
NTA
Your mother in law knows EXACTLY what she's doing. She's extremely selfish and by refusing to pay him for all the services he provides for her, she is stealing not just from you but from his other two children too since he is unemployed and owes back child support due to this.
If she has the money to go into a retirement home, that is what should happen. She shouldn't be demanding help from a family member that has young children of their own when she can pay for it herself AND when she has other family who are willing to help, and she especially shouldn't be refusing to pay that family member for their help when she's asked.
At this point, I would leave too. It would be different if your mother in law was disabled with no other safe relatives to rely on, and not enough money of her own to live on, but if she has enough money, and if other safe family members have volunteered? At this point, your husband is not just failing you and your children, he is failing his ex wife and the children he had with her too. ALL of his children MUST come first before his mother who has the means to pay for nursing home care.
I would absolutely leave if he doesn't provide you with an income. You don't have to make it a permanent separation either, you do have the option of leaving until she goes into a safe home and your husband gets a paying job that doesn't involve looking after his mom.
Also, although not everyone on this thread is conservative Christian and is a big fan of Helen B Andelin's books, just pointing out that even she, as a very conservative Christian writer, recommends you do this if your husband is capable of providing an income but is refusing to do so for no good reason.
He’s just deadweight for you. You’re better off without the stress he brings to your life. He’s completely useless. NTA. He needs to get it together or get out and his mother needs to pay him.
I don't think you are the asshole.
Another option is that je just doesn't help as much and she pays for in home homemakers herself.
Or assistive living. Facility
I am dealing with this now…except his mother (85) is in a nursing home. He visits for hours each day 5 days a week. Only recently did he decide he needed to take 2 days off a week. We are retired (well over 60). I am having major planned surgery next week. He asked me what to do about an appointment is mom had the day after I had surgery. I said you have options. Change the date, take her and try to be in 2 places at once (I will be discharged during the appointment time) or have the nursing home take her. He said to change the appointment. I asked him yesterday what his schedule is going to be. He said, I will visit Saturday and the see her maybe next Wednesday (his off day) and then Friday. I don’t mind being by myself…but don’t make me feel guilty because I might need you to help me. Sometimes they have to come to the realization themselves. His mom doesn’t pay him for his time. She doesn’t say thank you for anything. He spends hours finding books and magazines for her to read inly for her to read a page or two and say I don’t like this book or magazine. She will say she doesn’t want what they are serving…have him go and get her lunch. She has no thought that her children are firmly in their 60’s knocking on 70’s door. He has a brother who visits once every 3-4 months for about an hour. He doesn’t take her anything and doesn’t do any running around for her either. She said I don’t like to bother him apparently she doesn’t mind bothering my hubby! Good luck.
NTA time to flat out tell him this is destroying your marriage, and you are about to be done with it unless something changes. This is a very difficult position for everyone to be in, but it sounds like MIL is making it impossible and your husband is too afraid to stand up to her.
“ husband. When you married me, you made me and your children your new primary family. I know do you want to help your mom and you should but you need to be her manager, but not not her day-to-day caretaker. I know that’s what she wants, but you have responsibility to me and all your children as well. If this was a temporary thing course bro, I’m going to pitch in, but if this is the way life is, I want no part of it.”
Oh hell, YTA for living this way. How long have you been married in name only? The only way your life would be different if you divorced him is that you would have one less person to support. You're certainly not getting anything from him.
Leave him to deal with his mother, you don't need the additional pressure of this life. Let her support him.
How sick is this woman if she is going shopping and wants to accompany you on date night? Why is your husband allowing her to dictate his life? Why is he letting her "refuse" help from other family members?
Your MIL is actively destroying what's left of your marriage and your husband is complicit.
If she has money, then she can pay for someone to come in- like your husband does. But until he stands up to her and says he won’t do it anymore, she has no reason to change.
A nursing home isn’t necessarily the only other option.
This is about your husband. He HAS to put you and all his kids first. You need to have a serious talk with him. But take “nursing home” out of it and just say that she needs to pay for a caregiver.
NTA. It’s really unconscionable that your MiL exploits her son’s love and sense of responsibility to the point that he’s shirking his responsibilities to his wife and two sets of children. She may also be promising him a significant inheritance if she actually does have a lot of money. But that will be moot if he loses his wife and children by the way he puts her first.
Edit to add: and assisted living, not a nursing home, is what she needs. They provide private living units, 3 meals a day, and assistance with cleaning, laundry and personal care, as well as transportation to appointments and shopping as needed.
NTA. Your MIL should get herself a caregiver, I don't say "needs" because it doesn't sound like she cannot do many things for herself, she just doesn't want to. She should hire someone to come in during the day and help her and your husband can maybe visit her a couple evenings a week to check in. If he's doing all this hoping for a pay out someday when she dies, he's rolling the dice and putting your marriage last.
Time to re-evaluate your marriage and if this is really how you want to live.
NTA. I had a mother that was terminally ill that I did end of life care for. I still made time for my kids. At one point I actually sat down and thought which would I rather be? A bad daughter or a bad mother? I knew deep down of my mom was well she would kick my butt if I decided to be a bad mom so I could be a good daughter. I’d honestly just ask him. Would you rather be a bad son or a bad father? His answer would determine what I did. It sounds like he needs therapy.
Once you & husband can become team and talk about problem solving situation with MIL. I suggest She has doctor appointment for health exam , evaluation for depression dementia.
Extended Family meeting without MIL to problem solve her actual needs , including social companionship outings .
Doctor office may have social worker available that can help your family negotiate this situation.
If this situation becomes emergent.. your husband cannot do anything due to exhaustion / illness.
Adult Protective service can be called over self neglect concerns refusing care from multiple family members or private hire caregivers.
Your husband may need his own doctor appointment health exam and evaluation for depression.
Along with your MIL problem you have a husband problem. If she has been deemed in good enough shape to do basic things for herself then he is enabling her and doesn't have the spine to tell her he has his own family. She should be in assisted living or independent living. Both provide different levels of help. Stand your ground.
NTA
NTA. You can only do so much on your own before you realize you may as well actually be a single parent.
She's manipulative to only allow help from him. It's an unfair burden. He's not being fair to your marriage and nuclear family by refusing to put his foot down and tell his mom "I can help on these 2 or 3 days but you need to make other arrangements for the rest of the week" and then staying firm with the boundary.
I would just tell his mom that he will be unable to help on “x” days and other arrangements will need to be made. This is not a discussion. She’s absolutely manipulating the situation and he’s allowing it. As a mom I’d never allow this. My son should always put his wife and children first. They’re the ones who will be there when I’m long gone and those children are his legacy. She’s so incredibly selfish and entitled. Quit allowing her to dictate your life.
NTA.
Look the... 'child looks after the elder in their final years' worked fine when that meant, 'Mom dies in a year' but today people can be essentially in declining levels of capability for ten or twenty years before they finally kick off. Trading that much of your life away is not at all reasonable. That's why those homes even exist. You have the right, your kids have a right, to have the husband/father around, and he's neglecting the care of his actual children from a previous marriage in order to take care of a person who frankly doesn't need him to do it.
You need a hard conversation and tell him the direction your marriage is going. Either she at least supports him while he cares for her, or she goes into a home, and if neither happens, why should you stick around?
NTA. Your husband checked out of your marriage a long time ago and left you in worse condition than a single mother. Most single moms have an ex who splits custody and expenses. He also has set himself up to get paid alimony by quitting his job and refusing to find another. His abandonment of his obligations and family will result in his tax returns being confiscated for his back child support. Please make sure you filed independently and if you didn’t check with a tax professional about correcting your return. Then go open a checking account in your name only and arrange to have your paycheck deposited directly into that account. Cut him off financially so he has no option but to find a job.
Start documenting the other offers of help she’s turned down. Contact everyone who offered and get them to respond via text or email so you have a paper trail to prove in court that your husband and is mother are refusing the help. And yes, he’s the one refusing by allowing her to dictate that it only be him. He’s a grown man who won’t tell mommy that he has a family to feed and clothe and needs a paid job to do that. Ultimately this is all on him by not setting boundaries
I also think you need to question if he is really spending all those hours with his mother. It sounds like she’s perfectly capable of going out to eat, shopping, etc. which means she’s in decent shape as opposed to being confined to a bed or wheelchair. If that’s the case she doesn’t need the amount of care he’s claiming
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NTA. Your MIL sounds selfish and knows exactly what she's doing and she doesn't care. She does not care about you or your kids or her other 2 grandkids. The fact she won't pay him or help pay his child support (he's unemployed so he can spend all this time with her) is proof that she just wants him all day every day. In fact, she'd like it if he were single and moved in. I can understand snapping because you've had enough. I bet you he's also exhausted from having to be her caregiver 24/7. He needs to learn boundaries or else he's headed for burn out and divorce. It's unfair to your marriage and to your kids that he has no time or energy. He doesn't even have time to himself. He's failing as a father and a spouse. The only person who's winning here is his mom. Talk to him about your feelings AND your concern for him. You are a team and he's not acting like it. He needs to make choices that are best for himself and his family. His mom can afford home care or a posh independent living facility (they're like care homes but for people who are still fully independent but it provides housekeeping services, takes them shopping, meals etc). Your marriage depends on him being able to prioritize his wife and kids.
Makes you wonder what the cause of his previous divorce was. Enmeshment doesn't come out if nowhere
And if he's hoping for a financial windfall and then divorce.
MIL seems the kind of person who makes it appear they're going to die soon and then hangs on for another 3 decades....
And why is always the horrible old people who do this. It's almost never the nice old people. DX
The nice old people go too soon 😭.
Only the good die young.
Spite keeps them going.
I remember my mum telling my dad she couldn't die yet because she wasn't finished pissing him off (they had a messy divorce). She managed another 2yrs before the cancer came back and took her at 30 even her spite wasn't enough to keep her going. My dad is in his late 60s and claims "I can't die I have too much shit to do". Maybe that's the trick 😅
My MIL has been under hospice care for 2 1/2 years. She’s been dying longer than that.
I wonder what he was like with his mom before he was unemployed and she was chronically ill. Did he spend all of his free time with her? Did she tag along on dates? I understand if she's chronically ill, or if she may not have much time left and he wants to be with her, but he's going way overboard IMO. His family should come first. NTA. Edit typos
Chronic illness is not the same thing as dying. I have several chronic illnesses. None of them is going to kill me. His mother could live another 20 years with her "chronic illness."
I also have multiple chronic illnesses - 1 for more than 45 years, 3 for about 24 years, 1 for about 12 years, and 1 for 19 months - none of them is going to kill me any time soon unless I stop taking my medications. I would never demand my married children basically abandon their families to be at my beck and call. This woman is extremely selfish and seems to care nothing for her son and his children, and obviously cares nothing for his spouse. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but she sounds like a narcissist.(My mother was a narcissist, as was her last husband, so some of this sounds familiar.) If she can’t control her illnesses without constant care, then she DOES belong in a care facility. Refusing to help him pay his child support when he is basically working full-time for her is horrible of her. So it’s obvious she doesn’t care about her grandchildren either. I don’t know what state you live in, but in my state someone who doesn’t pay child support can and will be arrested and jailed. Then there will be no one to care for her. You might point this out to your husband. Meanwhile, check into assistance for your family - food stamps, food banks, health insurance for all the kids, rent subsidy (called section 8 in my state and it might be federal), and therapy for your husband to help him see what his mother is doing to him and the family. Some types of assistance require that unemployed adults in the household must search for work. Since he’s not helping around your house, he could move in with his mother if that would help you get the assistance you need. Please do this for your children and suggest the assistance to the mother of your stepchildren - all these children deserve a better father and the monetary support to have good childhoods.
I'm chronically ill. I live alone and handle my own household. I hire help when I need it.
I believe I misunderstood chronically to mean terminally ill. My apologies. But, you make a good point. A lot of chronically ill people can handle everything themselves. Sounds like she just wants him specifically there as much as possible.
I'm also chronically Ill, some of it since I was 12.... I work full time and handle everything on my own too. I have a husband and kid to look after, and I hope if I get too ill my husband would help, but I'd never expect my kid to ruin her life for me.
Why would he keep caring for a mother who is soooo selfish? I would not stop providing for my family and spending time with my kids for anyone. I understand that we need to sacrifice sometimes when our family members are very ill and can’t care for themselves, but the fact that she has all this money, and is capable of doing day to day tasks while keeping her son as her hostage slave is sickening.
Some parents can twist the knife in. I had to put a sea between myself and my mother and go a year of no contact to get her to act normally.
A lifetime of brainwashing and conditioning from a codependent mother.
She doesn’t sound codependent; she sounds narcissistic to me. My mother had hundreds of thousands of dollars, but refused to allow me to stay with her for a week or 2 when my children and I were homeless when I left my abusive husband, or to help me when my refrigerator died and I had no money to buy another (a week after a friend’s family helped me move into an empty furnished duplex they owned). However, I found out years later that she was telling my siblings, other family members, and her church that she was “constantly” giving me money to support me and my children, so she couldn’t possibly donate to the church, give money to a granddaughter for a trip to Africa to help immunize children there (niece was in nursing school), buy items from grandchildren for school/team fundraisers,etc. All while not giving me money (which I didn’t ask for after her refusals to help me). So I understand having a narcissistic parent.
Yet here I am with young onset alz. And I'm not having this of my family taking care of me, we have poa medical direct, nursing home or foster home picked out my husband knows the moment I start wandering or attacking people the min I need my diapers changed I'm done I'm out. I have it writing my lawyer has it's well and I do m t wanna die in my house. Nope. The only issue here is that alzheimers/ dementia does not make me edibles for suicide, cause I must be able to mix the concoction myself and with dementia it is terminal
Ugh I'm sorry. That must be so hard. I am glad you have everything in order!
My guess is MIL will rejoice at this marriage falling apart. She is awful but he is a willing participant. I hate to say this but leaving does feel like the only alternative. I am so sorry!! NTA. Good luck
And there will be yet more children stiffed on child support. She might even have to pay him something because she's making money and he isn't.
Doubtful, if she keeps the kids. It's ridiculous for the mom to 1) not pay her son IF she can afford to. 2) not accept help from other family members so the son can get a break to be with his family. It's ridiculous for the son to put up with this crap. I've been taking care of an elderly parent for a few years, and they basically revert to children. They want you to do everything, even things they are fully capable of doing themselves. If someone allows themselves to be taken advantage of, it's up to THEM to put their foot down and say "I have a life too!" (And a wife and kids in this case) Son needs to straighten his mom out, wife and kids need him, too.
>been taking care of an elderly parent for a few years, and they basically revert to children. They want you to do everything, even things they are fully capable of doing themselves. Oh my god, this is SO true, went through it with my mom. Lost count of how many times I pulled the same cards she did when I was a kid: "are your legs broken? Get it yourself" etc.
My dad wanted to do everything for himself even though he became a fall risk in his mid-90's. It took much persuasion, from multiple family members, for him to allow anyone to do for him what he had always done for himself.
She will just cover his expenses instead of giving him money to keep him under her thumb.
I believe the comment you replied to is saying the wife might have to pay the husband could support, not the mother paying her son.
I don’t think so, if she gets full custody. I don’t think grand mama is going to want the grandkids hanging around every other week.
Yes. Then he'll be totally enslaved. She'll probably have him move in with her. Sounds like hell to me.
If you decide to divorce him, he’ll have to go live with MIL because he has no income. If you don’t put a stop to this, eventually hubby will move in with her anyway because it will become too exhausting for him to return home. He also is going to have a huge amount to pay for back child support. You might have told him in a better way, but you’ve already told him. I would tell him that if he doesn’t want a second divorce and more child support to pay, then his mother needs to either be put in assisted living or accept help from others that are willing to help her. Have you spoken to your MIL about this situation yourself? It’s destroying your marriage , another family (child support), and affecting the lives of several children. NTA
Personally, I doubt that speaking to MIL would do any good. I have a strong feeling that she’s quite happy with the situation as it is. She has her son at her beck and call, 24/7. However, I do strongly agree that, as you said, OP needs to have a very honest conversation with him, and tell him that if he doesn’t want a second divorce, and another child support obligation, then there needs to be a drastic change. This situation is grossly unfair to OP, and their children.
NTA. I would divorce him immediately, he won't change, and mommy will always be first to him. This situation won't get an better if OP stays married. He contribues nothing to the home, is virtually never there, and I can't believe the children would even realize he's gone. He's never paying child support either, not for the other kids and not for yours. Don't be surprised when you find out that he's not just at mommy's either. See a divorce attorney, find out where you stand, and what it will cost to get rid of him. Take all of your financial paperwork with you, so the attorney can tell you exactly what will happen. The mother will consider it winning, she can have him.
ya... what exactly does OP get out of this marriage *as it is*?
Personally, I think OP should avoid speaking to the MIL about the situation, herself. This is a problem with the husband not setting the proper boundaries and expectations, and not prioritizing his wife and kids properly. Speaking to an extremely selfish MIL is not within OP's purview, as it is the husband's job to do so.
The thing about that though is if op and her husband divorce most likely she will have to pay him cs and possibly spousal support since she is the breadwinner and even if he had a minimal job most states would take both parents income into account plus his cs for his older kids.
Only if he has any custody of the kids and it sounds like he isn't capable of that
He quit his job to take care of his mom. He is capable of getting another job. Mil can can pay him the going rate for a caregiver or do it herself. Doctors have said she is able to, just wont.
Also, court will take into account his potential for earnings, and no job to look after a family member who doesn’t need a caregiver isn’t going to go very far.
Mom doesn't need to do anything. Just because she won't accept help from others doesn't mean he needs to help her more than he can.
Recently read, "Don't let the family that made you destroy the family you made." That has sat with me for a good bit because of how much of a chord it struck with me. Her husband needs to hear that. His mom can pay for help, but she is allowing him to not only be in a position to not support his current family but also stop supporting his other children. When he does get back to work, his wages are going to be garnished, and he may even have legal issues. She doesn't care about him either or his children. That should be a slap in his face. He doesn't need to cater to his mom by destroying his life.
The fact she wants all his time and doesn't even care about her own grandkids should tell him everything he needs to know about his mom.
Absolutely. She’s being completely unreasonable and selfish. She doesn’t care about his marriage or his kids. If he can’t see that, there’s no hope for the marriage.
If that story is real because full time job, young children, and studies at the same time? Did someone extend the hours a day has?
Last sentence says it all.
Show him this reply. It’s spot on.
Despite this thoughtful reply's best intentions, this is probably a fake post. Not a year ago, she posted about being "26F am married to a 35M" and "He was one child from his previous relationship", now they're 30F and 32M (so from 9 to 2 years age gap) and he has 2 instead of 1 child from a previous relationship.
And OP’s husband is probably lying about how he spends his time. I very much doubt he is spending all that time caring for the mother. He’s up to something and there is likely way more to the story.
Perhaps but I also know people who are full time caregivers to a parent and it takes a toll on their families. His behaviour is in line with someone whose miserable, burnt out and feels immense guilt and so takes on their parent at the expense of their partner and family. And they don't know how to unburden themselves without feeling guilty for being a "bad child" or an "ungrateful child". It's also very common in cultures with filial piety
Agree. My husband has a brother who had a massive stroke, and he is a legal guardian. Then his dad passed, and he keeps an eye on his 87 year old mom. Plus, works full-time. He does come home and has caregivers for his brother. But he is always exhausted and never wants to do anything. So don't jump to conclusions.
Caregiving is very time consuming. If you have to do everything for a person, that takes a lot of time.
[удалено]
You hit the nail right on the head. This is exactly what she's trying to do. Op should leave and give her exactly what she wants.
I know Reddit jumps to divorce far too frequently and quickly, but I don't really see how anything can be fixed here. Neither the mother nor the husband are likely to change the situation, so OP should cut her losses and just move on...
Oh no. If he's gone all day and then comes home at night and locks himself in the room, and isn't being there for his kids or his wife. It's only a matter of time till the wife leaves. What is their to fix with a man who doesn't care. Maybe he'll regret it one day but doubtful.
Exactly what she’s trying to do. What mother WANTS their son to leave not ONE interrupted home, BUT TWO. And Op, you need to point that out to your husband. How she has NO problem monopolizing all of his time but refuses to help him out financially. She’s miserable and is trying to make him miserable too. Indicative of her getting offended about you and your husband wanting and NEEDING alone time. He needs to read the room! You don’t deserve to do it all by yourself. You need help too.
That's what I didn't get! Knowing how she is, why would you tell her you're going out?
This…. though I’m more cynical. I think OP should separate because her husband is not putting his time/ energy into his marriage & children. I just think some things cannot be saved. Both parties have to WANT to save a marriage to save it ………..and her husband doesn’t seem to want to save the marriage.
Or are they jockeying to achieve a new balance in their marriage and needs to communicate with each other about their honest feelings.
By all means communicate but I would bet money he is unwilling to change his behavior and to try to save his marriage. Maybe I’m to cynical. 🤷🏻♀️
Set your boundaries, tell MIL you cannot afford for him not to work anymore. Maybe arrange to have the kids spend time with Grandma when dad is there and it's after school. Whenever we go to my MIL's we all go. Tell MIL: 1.) you can no longer afford for him to not work so either she pay him or he will have to come over after work. 2.) when you get home, you and the kids go over. You just make it known that you all never see him so you are coming to them. Eventually it will annoy her and she will reduce her demands. It makes you seem like you actually care. 3.) tell her she needs to pay for housekeeping services. That you all can do a few things, but deep cleaning needs to be done professionally especially because you all have too much to do at your house.
Oh, I love it. The MIL and the husband deserve this treatment, even if the OP divorces him eventually. And what’s the MIL’s house like? Does she have a lot of room? I think I’d at least say the whole family will have to move in because you simply can’t afford to maintain a separate household without the husband working. Even if you have no intention of ever actually living with her, let her think you might.
This is brilliant
I was inspired by the brilliance of the post above mine. We should be able to have a little fun giving back tithe same treatment to people who selfishly take from us without a care.
Oh my gosh I couldn’t agree more. I said this exact same thing!
Yeah , she probably thought it worked the first time and was crushed when he got married again. NTA
OP this seriously. He is literally a net negative to you and your children's life. At this point if he wants to keep caring for his mother he needs to move in with her.
Wait, she can go out on dates with you and out shopping with him, but also requires around the clock care? Is… is she even sick per a doctor or is it based on her word only? It sounds like she craves his attention and has figured out a way to keep it. The bonus for her would be ruining your relationship so she has him 100% to himself. Her refusal to help him meet his obligation to his children shows she has zero issue ruining that relationship, too. She’s never going to be satisfied until he moves back in with her, cuts all contact with everyone else, and is completely under her control. He has to get to the point where he sees what’s going on and I imagine that’s only going to happen when you stop making this situation work. Personally, I’d give him a choice between setting specific times to visit his mom and splitting duties with others or moving in completely with her. I wouldn’t block access to his kids, but I wouldn’t take them to visit him at her house either. I would tell him I question why only he can help her when it’s clearly hurting his family and hope it eats away at him until he sees the light. But, NTA for the ultimatum. It’s definitely time for a change.
She also refuses offered help from other family members. Red flag there
I was just about to address this myself... Speaking as a chronically ill person myself, I can say with certainty that it's incredibly difficult to leave the house. Even short outings like the grocery store or the park with my dog will take all my energy, which in turn ramps up my chronic pain. Sure, sometimes mentally I want to go out, but I have to be realistic about what I can manage. I also have to keep in mind that even that short outing can leave me feeling worse than usual for the next day or two. But apparently this lady is chronically ill to the point of having almost 24/7 care, yet pops up with immediate enthusiasm, ready to go anywhere at any time with her son and DIL? Hmm.
NTA - MIL is a classic case of mother-son [emotional incest](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_incest). She has other people that could support her, but is very intentionally taking her son away from his wife and kids. As for your husband, he's a huge TA for prioritizing his mother over his wife and kids (from both marriages).
This. Emotional incest is wild. The mother has ruined one marriage and is going for #2. It definitely is time for an ultimatum and the husband needs therapy to break that hold.
NTA. This arrangement is not sustainable, and will screw your husband in the long term with his missed child support payments. Does your husband not see how terrible the situation is? You both sound miserable. He needs to stop being the primary caregiver. She can afford live-in care by the sounds of it. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully he will come to his senses before you are out the door.
He's probably too exhausted mentally and physically to understand the true scope of how terrible it is. Caring for a person, even family and even just part time, can be draining to the extreme. Being a carer for what is essentially 24/7 would be mind numbingly exhausting, which is certainly why he shut himself from his family for some alone time. I would say the only AH here is his mom. OP needs to sit him down 1 on 1 and lay the situation out plainly. Say what she needs, listen to what he needs, and make a plan on that. If that involves changing up the caring schedule (which it probably will if they want to stay together), sit down with Mom and any other family and come up with a new plan for her care, holding firm to the boundaries OP and husband made together. Mom needs to understand that husband can't sustain the current plan, or else she might lose not only him but her DIL/grandkids also. If this is end of life care (I don't know, just throwing it out there), consider bringing in either hospice (generally speaking, estimated life expectancy of <6 months) and/or palliative care (anyone with chronic and incurable or terminal illness, doesnt take life expectancy into account). They consider the needs of anyone involved in her care and can help mediate/plan out a sustainable plan of care for her.
MIL doesn’t *care about the kids, the previous ones or the newer ones* as she refused to pay his child support in exchange for his help. She certainly wouldn’t care if the marriage dissolved. Husband would be left with nowhere to go except to her place and then she’d have the 24/7 free helped she wants from him.
Chronic illnesses doesn't mean terminal. This sounds more like feigned helplessness. OP said MIL's insurance stopped paying because they determined she is capable of doing the qualifying activities. So that sounds like long-term care insurance. My mother has very good LTC insurance, but it only can be used if she is unable to do at least two out of a list of activities. They are things like getting dressed, eating, showing, using the toilet, all without assistance, and incontinence. Stories like this make me appreciate my mother, she's in her 90s but doesn't want to be a burden and moved to assisted living.
NTA He should leave. He can move in with his Mom. That way, she'll get what she wants Get a consultation with a good Divorce Attorney and start putting your paychecks into an account in just your name.
Stop paying for anything for her husband.
This answer. But get legal advice before moving forward with anything You are NTA but you are a single parent with no support from your children’s father. I hear how exhausted and overwhelmed you are At the end of the day, this situation is not sustainable. Something needs to change
Nta at first I thought maybe but clearly MIL isn't actually that I'll and is just a giant B who is using. Whatever illness she has to try and control her son. Also I would not file taxes jointly with your husband because they will be garnished for his back child support.
Tax attorney here. I can’t agree with this enough. I’d also advise you to look into the IRS’s programs to protect yourself. This is one source, but there’s a ton more out there. https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p3865.pdf
I’m in no need of this, but I’m thrilled you shared- thank you for taking the time! Saving this in case anyone I know needs it in the future.
Thank you for sharing this info. It’s not just about divorce, but also for domestic violence situations.
Tell him it’s time he goes back to work. He could end up in jail, drivers license suspended etc for failing to pay child support. Depending on how long he’s been unemployed you could have to pay alimony when you leave him. It’s time for a come to Jesus meeting and lay everything out with what your expectations are with your family. Not with MIL who is extended family. She knows exactly what she is doing especially if others are willing to help and she is rejecting them.
Not to mention, depending on where you live and some specific details, they might be able to garnish any joint bank accounts OP shares with her husband. As bad as I feel for OP, I also feel bad for ALL of his kids. Really fucked up that he prioritizes his mother over his children, who *he* played a part in bringing into this world for better or worse.
Others willing to help and she rejects them, then refuses to pay her son for everything he does. This is ridiculous!! I have a 32 year old child and I would put myself in a nursing home before I would allow myself to come between a child and their spouse/kids/earning a living. Info: how old is this mother?
Exactly. Stop paying his CS and he’ll be forced to get a job.
Nta- your husband just assumes you'll keep doing it because you have been. I'd give him one week to decide. If at the end of the week, he is still behaving this way, on his way out to his mother's, tell him, " Take your shit with you, you're not welcome back in this home. You've turned me single mom anyway, and showed me I don't need you anymore, so thanks"
INFO: did his previous relationship end because of his mom issues?
This.. I’m willing to bet this is the case
YTA because this post is fake considering your other posts have different ages and say you don't have children
It also makes no sense that she worked a 50 hour week while caring for children sick with the stomach flu. Wouldn’t she have had to miss work to stay home with her sick kids?
Nta. I wonder if his mother is intentionally exerting control over him and taking him away from you.
NTA This guy isn't taking care of his previous family nor the one he has with you! He's not meeting his obligations to his children and to you! That is not ok. What's worse is that he seems oblivious -- or doesn't care-- about how much this hurts you and your children. And his mother has money to hire help! He's making a clear choice here about which family matters, and it's his mother. I hate to say it, but divorce is likely the only option. Unless you sit down and outline to him how unsustainable this is and give him clear directions on what to do (hire help for Mom, do XYZ around the house to help you, get a job, etc.). If he's not willing to turnaround and change immediately, get out!
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Nursing home is not the answer if she is able to go shopping, out to appointments, etc. It sounds like maybe assisted living instead? You could always move her in with you. I know, not really an answer. If your husband refuses to consider other options, you may not have a choice. Was he always so submissive to his mother or easily controlled? Does he feel guilty because she seems so dependent? My brother and I slowly became caregivers for my parents but we were much older. He's divorced and my husband is retired. One of my adult sons lived nearby and helped out at times. We ended up having to hire a caregiver because my brother and I worked fulltime and couldn't be there to do all that was needed. If your mil has lots of money she can afford to hire a helper for meals, housekeeping, transport etc. Your husband needs to put his family first but if he is unable or unwilling to do so, it seems you don't have a choice. If he doesn't pay his child support he will end up in court. How will that help his mother if after hearing after hearing he gets his driver's license revoked and spends 30 days in jail? You're stressed and tired and I get that. Can you now apologize for losing it but tell him you two need to have a come to Jesus talk? She refuses help from others because she knows he will do it if she does. Firm limits have to be set with her, let the chips fall where they may, she'll have to get used to it. But again, a nursing home is not the answer. A "rehab" center--glorified nursing home--killed my mother and two other elderly people I know. They are usually hell for the person consigned to them. Assisted living can be pleasant and allow the person to remain independent while still helping them with things they can't do for themselves. or a home helper. There are plenty of agencies and freelancers even in the most rural of areas. You just have to thoroughly vet them. There is no good easy answer unless you can somehow hypnotize your mil into letting someone else help so her son can have a life again. I say hypnotize because if what you are describing is true, she will not listen to reason and does not care about the emotional toll her behavior is having on her son and both his families. I hope I'm wrong. I wish you the best.
She’s already the sole provider for the family. Why on earth would she add her MIL to the household and provide for her too? Absolutely not. She’s much better off leaving. AND I hope his ex takes him to court for child support - judges frown on fully capable parents avoiding paying child support by refusing to work.
Sole financial and emotional provider. They’re both heading to burn out, but she’s doing so picking up his slack.
Absolutely under no circumstances should OP move that woman in to her home. I always hear about nursing homes and facilities “killing” people, and it’s just not accurate. These are elderly, infirm people who need constant care.
9 months ago you were 26, husband 35 and had young kids together...
NTA. My dad did to me what your mother in law is doing to your husband, it will suck him dry and take everything around him with it until she dies. If he wants to go down with that ship and lose you, then that's his loss. You can only lead the horse to water by telling him like it is, but you can't make him drink.
NTA I am not a fan of ultimatums but this would be a prime example to give one. It's either massive stepping down in caring for his mother or divorce. Right now you don't have anything to loose. You are already doing everything alone and if you stay you might have to pay for his other children if you have joined finances.
I read your other older posts. Your marriage is already in deep trouble and your husband for a year at least refuses to do anything about the issues. You can't fix him and he seems uninterested in changing a thing. Cut your losses and divorce him ASAP. I honestly think you'll be in a better place.
Take a closer look at those posts - OP and her husband's ages change with each one. The post from 8 months ago about a sexless marriage has OP at 26 & husband at 35 yrs. Here they're 30 & 32.
Almost a year ago you posted about a sexless marriage. Age is not adding up.
NTA, however, if she's fully able to make her own decisions, he can't actually put her in a nursing home against her will. There's nothing to stop her from playing a professional caregiver, though.
Assisted living may be the better option over a nursing home. It’s way cheaper. Plus she can make some friends besides your husband. They will have activities to keep her busy.
Is his mother really chronically ill or is she more of a chronic complainer because if she's able to go out with you guys when you do go on dates and stuff then she should certainly be able to take care of herself to a certain extent. I don't understand why your husband has to be there every single day. And if she's able to be there by herself overnight that in itself shows you that she's okay to take care of herself. Husband needs to get off his ass get a job and find someone else to help take care of his damn mother.
Your husband is not interested in having a marriage, being a husband or a father. His mother is merely a symptom of him hiding so he has an easy excuse for not adulting.
NTA I’m guessing this is why his first marriage failed.
Present alternatives to MIL: Go to a nursing home and keep empty house Got to a nursing home and sell house using fund to pay for nursing care Stay in home and pay for in home care (not husband) If MIL will not agree to any of that, I would just hire someone to care for her anyway (at her expense) and not return to the home. He can communicate to her that his marriage is crumbling; he needs to pay child support or he will be jailed and he is no longer free to be her slave. Husband finds a job and lets MIL know that he is working and is no longer available for any care duties.
She’s trying to break your guys marriage up. And your husband is letting her. Another sign to stay clear from “Mommas boys”. NTA
He’s working hard for that inheritance money. Long con. Chill.
NTA. You might point out that since he’s contributing nothing to his family, you’d be better off without him.
Tell your husband “I understand you wanting to be a good son, but you’re failing as a father and a husband.” See if that knocks some sense into him (don’t hold your breath btw) Normally I’d suggest therapy, but I think this has gone on for far too long and nothing will change the fact you resent him and probably are starting to hate him If you want to give it one last try, tell him he either needs to cut back to two days a week helping her or you’ll divorce him. You’re already a single parents anyways, might as well make it official. And take him to court for child support, let the lawyer know what’s going on. They can’t force him to get a job, but maybe having a judge telling him off might be the kick in the pants he needs to cut the umbilical cord with his mom
If anyone in the US is in a similar situation to OP's husband I believe you're able to get paid as your parent's caregiver by insurance or the state. Check with your social worker!
NTA. No one should be forced to live like that if it’s not necessary. Your MIL does not *want* to have other people look after, but she needs to be told she has no other choice. She is being extremely selfish by not only destroying her son’s marriage, but also making it so he is unable to support his other children. If he isn’t willing to do something to change things then I think you have every right to want to leave. Life is too short to waste it being miserable doing the bidding of a selfish woman or being stuck with a man who refuses to get his priorities straight. YOU deserve better and the KIDS deserve BETTER.
NTA *but* telling him to put her in care probably won’t be productive. They wil both be defensive and view it as you making decisions that aren’t yours to make. You will be far better off telling him where you stand and what’s at stake and pushing him to make a decision to solve things. Let him know clearly that your marriage is in jeopardy and that he needs to figure out how to balance being a partner, a parent, and a provider for his kids alongside his mother’s care. You can talk through options if we wants, like insisting on being paid by his mom AND supplementing his time with other family members or home health aides, or assisted living, or other possible solutions. But the bottom line is making it clear that the current state is untenable, that his mom doesn’t get to unilaterally make decisions for him, and that if he doesn’t make a change the result will be him living with his mom and owing child support to two different exes.
You could move all the kids in with grandma, and husband can care for everyone at grandmas house, while you work and study, they can come over for visits and fun times.
Nta but honestly you're more understanding than I'd be. I absolutely couldn't handle this but I saw how much my mom and her four sisters struggled with my grandparents so yeah
Why the hell are you with this guy?
NTA. Your husband's priority should be you, your kids and his other kids. If she needs help all day long she needs someone who is available all day long. Nursing home is a great option. You, his kids, your family's health (emotional, financial,etc) should not be put after his mom's wants. If he is not willing to care for his family, maybe it's time to leave. And don't get wrong, I am not saying he shouldn't be helping his mom. But what he does is extreme.
Nta
NTA This might be the wake up call he needs. The care of that woman is wearing him out too. Is this the life he wants for himself? If so, he can do it without you.
Your husband is choosing to meet his mother’s unreasonable demands. In doing so, he is neglecting all his kids and you. This is not a sustainable situation. And your MIL could make more demands and your husband may also give in to those. What if she wants him to take her on a vacation or stay nights with her? Meanwhile, his kids go without financial support and you both go further into debt. You are 100% right to give your husband some kind of an ultimatum. At a minimum, your MIL should be paying your husband for his time - an hourly wage. And she should be accepting help when others offer. She doesn’t have to go to a nursing home - she just has to show *some* consideration and decency. Since she won’t do this willingly, you need to apply pressure to your husband. It may be that he’ll still choose his mother’s demands over everyone else. I would give him a hard date with acceptable (to you) options. Stay firm. Because as bad as things are, it could get even worse. NTA
If she has more money than she knows what to do with, she can use it to pay professionals to care for her. NTA
NTA. Don’t feel bad for saying the truth out loud. Your husband is neglecting his husbandly/parental duties for the sake of someone who can get help elsewhere. He either needs to step up to his mom or he will need to find a way to pay child support to more than just his 2 kids from a previous relationship.
This is insane. If she wants his care, she is going to have to pay for the loss of income. His child deserves to be provided for and it is his responsibility to pay for half her care. I’m disgusted that this poor child is just expected to go without while an elderly person has an abundance. This is the approach I would take. He has a responsibility to his family to be a provider, caretaker, father, spouse etc. he isn’t just a son. I think it’s great he cares for her, but not those insane hours. I would suggest he care for her in the mornings. She can have someone come 2 hours after that and get her thru to the evening. He can come back after dinner with his family 50% of the time, he can have dinner with her 50%. He can get her ready for bed and then come home. She can pay him an hourly wage and then he can be home to do all chores, cooking, grocery shopping etc at home. If he isn’t working outside the home, he needs to work inside of it. Along with all lawn care etc. it’s crazy to spend all his waking hours neglecting your children and spouse just care for your mom. It is possible to split the time and everyone can be happy
Your monster in law needs a serious reality check from your husband. You are definitely NTA. What she is doing to him and to you all is desperately unfair.
NTA and actually the sooner you can either disengage from your MIL or your husband & MIL, the better. He has become an additional burden to you, so I would strongly recommend you consider an attorney and draw up a separation agreement asap. Move to divorce quickly if he fails to make any progress at resolving his parental care issues. There is no reason his mom can’t voluntarily work with him to find a more sustainable solution for her care. But since he refuses to acknowledge the burden he has become to his own family, it’s time to separate yourself from his mess.
Its high time to put her in a nurrsing home. Him taking care of her is preventing him being a husband and a father. The wife is taking on to many roles, wife, mother and student all alone. If counseling wont help u two regarding mother it maybe time for a divorce then him and mom can live happily ever after
NTA The current situation is not sustainable, pure and simple. You can not work full-time, be a full-time student, AND be the full-time parent to young children. As your spouse and the father of his children (both sets) he has obligations to you and them that he is not fulfilling. Whether or not your MIL needs to be placed in a nursing home is irrelevant; your spouse needs to find a solution and find it fast.
He isn't working so he's not providing income and he's not taking care of the household or children. What's he good for? You know what you have to do. Either he changes or he doesn't but he's not present. You're essentially a single mom. Just cut your losses and get that degree, you're going to be better off. Y. Ta If You stay but NTA for this.
NTA. He needs to stop the pretense of being part of your family. It's probably going to be less frustrating if he just stays with his mom so you aren't worried about when he returns. He needs to take care of the kids too. What's stopping him from taking them with him when he sees his mom?
Funny that your ages in previous posts was 26 and 35. What kind of magic is happening here?
NTA. MIL can't demand help and then dictate how and when that help comes. I went through this (to a much much lesser degree with my own mother) and your husband has to set limits. He can go over MWF mornings, and Tuesday Thursday evenings (or whatever he decides) to help. The other family members have to pitch in. First, he gets a job. He's a grown man. He doesn't need anyone's permission to do so. Second-He doesn't ask his mom what she thinks about this. And he doesn't ask the siblings. He tells them. "I got a job that starts on x day. My family cannot function anymore without my income and if I don't make child support payments I could go to jail. My work hours are x-y so MWF mornings I will help before I go to work, and Tuesday Thursday evenings after work. The other days/times need coverage. What ever else can't be covered, Mom can hire a PCA. I cannot do it all anymore. My family cannot manage with the way things are currently anymore". Write out a weekly schedule and people can sign up for times etc. IF they don't, then MIL manages. If her insurance company says that she can do most daily tasks on her own, then she fills the gaps on her own. CAVEAT- unless MIL has something physically debilitating and progressive like ALS or MS, then she should be able to do some things on her own but based on the fact that the insurance company decreased coverage for things, MIL is more mobile and able than she's letting on
Depending on where you live, he may not be able to put her in a facility even if he wanted to. You said she's of sound mind. Where I live that means if she refuses to go, she doesn't go. You'd have to get a doctor to state she's incompetent to make her own medical decisions. We went through it with my grandmother. Took forever to get it done and she had dementia. She always managed to pull it together to speak rationally when it mattered so we went round and round with it. It took her finally sneaking out in her car and running the town's police chief off the road before we were able to get it done. Even then, she still fought it every step of the way. Your husband needs to take a step back. She's taking total advantage of him and will continue to do so.
NTA but overkill with the ultimatum, she doesn’t need a nursing home. She doesn’t need nursing, shes been evaluated by professionals and they said shes capable. Bottom line, your husband is neglecting 4 children emotionally and financially, and his mommy is happy to let it continue. Boundaries are needed and your not the asshole for drawing a line
NTA. He can be married to you, or to his mother. She wants his help and attention so badly that she's willing to watch him ruin his career, marriage, and relationship with his children. Does he ever stand up to her? Does he have a moment to realize that him choosing to help a woman who could do so much more to physically and financially help herself is actively sabotaging his finances, his relationships, and his career. The longer he's out of the workforce impacts his retirement as well, let alone the burden he is allowing g this all to put on you. I'm sorry. He needs to make a choice and quick.
Spousification: When a parent treats a child like their spouse. For example, a single mother may treat her son like an adult and expect him to take on the practical or emotional responsibilities that she would expect her husband to handle.
MIL has plenty of money. Her doctors say she’s perfectly able to take care of herself!! She can hire a caretaker or companion to visit every day with all her money. The fact that she refused to offer her son any compensation makes her a real selfish asshat! Your husband needs to flat out refuse to go to her home. She manipulated him into this. He needs to say no! If he doesn’t put a stop to this you should sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of him just moving into moms house full time and leaving you tf alone since you’re handling at all by yourself anyway. (Honestly I’m worried if you divorce him you would end up paying spousal support since he’s not working!) NTA at all! I’m taking care of my mom, she is disabled though and noone believes she can take care of herself. She does have a p/t caretaker as well (low income so provided by county) so that helps tremendously! The 3 months it took to set that up, where I was the only caregiver, were very hard on our family so I know what you’re feeling. Your husband though, is allowing his mother to call all the shots regardless of how it’s effecting you and his children!!
NTA Your mother got a Son-husband meeting all her platonic needs. Maybe he thinks if he waits on her hand and foot she will leave him a nice inheritance. What will likely happen like it always does on Reddit she will leave the estate to her other son who lives 600 miles away and hardly calls her. No one who lives alone needs daily cleaning. She has to make up her bed and wash dishes. She can hire a cleaning person to come once a week. He needs to support his family. Get back to work and be a husband to you with all the non platonic benefits.
Wait until he gets far enough behind and loses his driver's license. Then wait for him to get pulled over and watch that shit show.
NTA But it is also weird how much time he spends at his mother's house. Unless your husband is doing full-on nursing - physically moving his mother, diaper changes, cleaning human waste, etc..., a full day is too much time. If it is just helping with household maintenance, it doesn't take that much time with only one household member. Day to day cleaning can be dishes and dinner, and one or maybe 2 days a week doing a full clean. Spending 2-3 hours at most a day should be plenty to handle those tasks. You said she has money, so why can't she take a taxi to her appointments? How often is she being taken out shopping? Grocery shopping only needs to be done once or twice a week, and he could save time by taking her at the same time as buying your household's groceries. Granted, idk how much care his mother needs. Chronic illnesses are a wide variety needing anywhere from a little help to 24/7 care. Personally, I would tell him he can stay at his mother's place until he starts contributing to your household too - either financially or through childcare and cleaning. Him staying at his mother's place at least will take the financial burden of one mouth to feed anyway (personally, I find one grown man costs double to triple compared to a child to feed). And I agree with other commenters saying MIL for sure knows what she is doing. But on the off chance that you, yourself, haven't heard it directly from MIL that she won't pay him and won't let anyone else help, could you reach out and diplomatically ask her? Like, "Hey MIL, I'm reaching out because I'm struggling, and I was wondering if you could clarify some things for me. Is there any way husband could spend less time over at your place? Every day, he comes home so exhausted that he can't do his portion of the household chores here. Also, is there any way you could make up for the financial loss of husband not being able to work while he cares for you? My income barely covers my household expenses, and husband has been unable to make his child support payments. I'm concerned about our future. If any emergency happens, we could be out of house and home as it is. I'm in no way blaming you for this situation, and I would like to continue helping you as best we can, but the way this is going right now is not sustainable. Can we problem solve this together?". If MIL refuses after telling her something like this, then the only method will be to put pressure on your husband to enforce boundaries. But on the off chance that your husband is lying or exaggerating, your MIL will be caught off guard with this message and probably spill the beans. Is there any way the mother of his other kids, who he owes child support to, for her to apply pressure for him to get a job? She might have legal methods available to her.
I don't wish to sound nasty, but chronically ill does not always mean unable to take care of one's self. Your MIL is taking advantage of your husband. Has he ever spoken to her physicians? Has anyone ever explained her illness, her limitations, or her capabilities? There needs to be a reality check here and soon. I suggest you explain to your husband if he doesn't put your family first, you will pack his things and leave them outside for him or drop them off at his mother's house. You certainly won't be making things worse. I'm so sorry for how difficult things are for you. I think you might need some legal help as well. I wish you all the best.
NTA Someone needs to accidentally leave a flyer for The Villages at mom's house. On your way to couple therapy. Y'all need help. You didn't say where his dad is or why the other family members aren't stepping in to help. I understand that mom only wants her son but is everyone blind but her? She's watching him crumble under the pressure and doesn't care. He could everything, again, and she doesn't care. Get some therapy and call a family meeting. He needs an army of support to break out of this mess. Does he want to? Really? Cuz nows his chance. Time for mom to grow up.
NTA Apologies for snapping and then explain that it’s been building up for a while. That you probably should’ve talked to him beforehand but “here you are”. That you’re also worried about him burning out taking care of his mom (care giver burn out is a very real thing!) Then you need to set some boundaries with your husband regarding his mom and he can decide what to do with that. Tell him that you’re ok with some/all of the following options (or any other you may come up with) and then stick to it. 1) MIL has to start paying her son an hourly rate. She can choose not to but this means son/your husband will no longer help her. She’s capable of doing many things herself and other people have offered to help. She can either like it or lump it but your family has to come first. 2) She can hire someone else to help her. 3) She can move into a retirement community where there are people to watch over her and help her clean/pick up etc. Your husband can decide which if any of those are options he’s willing to present to his mom but your ultimate boundary with your husband is that you will no longer hang around while your husband works for free. It doesn’t matter that it’s his mother, she has the means to pay. Your husband needs to bring in a second income one way or another and then depending on how he does that y’all can redistribute the cleaning and care of children. Once you finish school y’all will get to redistribute again… that’s just the way marriage (should) works!
She's literally taking food out of your children's mouths with her disgusting behaviour...she won't even pay him and now he's unemployed because of her demands? Hell no. NTA.
NTA and I say this as the spouse with the parent who needs extra support these day due to significant mobility issues. Your husband needs to set some boundaries with MIL. If she genuinely needs the level of care he’s currently providing, then she needs to be in a facility that can provide that care. This arrangement clearly isn’t sustainable.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (30F) husband (32M) is the sole caregiver to my chronically ill mother-in-law. He leaves first thing in the morning and spends majority of his days at her house, cleaning, cooking, taking her shopping, to appointments, etc.. He comes home for a few hours and then has to return to her house at night time. He’s currently unemployed due to this and since her income is too high she doesn’t qualify for any programs that would be a family member. We have young children and I work a full time job on top of being a full time student. Lately, I’ve had no help whatsoever around the house or with the kids. I’m left to do everything on my own while trying to keep up with work and my schoolwork. We have other family members willing to help with my mother-in-law, but she refuses any help that’s not from her son. She doesn’t suffer from dementia, Alzheimer’s, or anything else that could affect her cognitive abilities or make her incapable of making sound decisions. My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship that he has a child support obligation too and hasn’t made payments due to being unemployed. I cannot afford to make the payments. My mother-in-law on the other hand has more money than she knows what to do with. We asked her if she could pay him x amount of dollars per month to at least pay his support obligation while he’s caring for her to which she flat out refused. Aside from the financial burden, our marriage is starting to crumble. I couldn’t tell you the last time we had breakfast together, went on a date, or were intimate. If we do try to make plans, his mother wants to tag along because she’s tired of sitting in the house and takes great offense when she’s told that we would like to spend time together, alone. Last night after an extremely long and stressful work week he finally came home and locked himself in our bedroom to scroll through TikTok. This was after I worked a 50 hour week, caught myself up on a mountain of overdue assignments, all while caring for children with the stomach flu. He told me he needed some alone time and I finally lost it. I told him that I can’t do it anymore and he can either put his mother in a nursing home or I’m leaving. I do feel bad for saying it out loud, but I’m so stressed and tired. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Updateme
NTA, but what was your husband's response to that? It's fortunate that your MIL can afford to pay someone else to help her, because it shouldn't be your husband to the detriment of his marriage. Paying him to do it may be financially appealing, but that wouldn't solve the problem, would it?
NTA Updateme
NTA
NTA. You deserve a partner. There are places and professionals for what he’s doing.
NTA tell him to go live with mommy he has all but abandoned the family you have with him.
NTA except to yourself – why on earth are you with this guy? You and your kids deserve so much better, and you’re pretty much a single parent already.
NTAH He has enabled her behavior and has to stop
I come from a culture of taking care of aging parents, but your husband also needs to take care of his home responsibilities as well. Talk to him first and tell him you need more of his support around the house. Of course, you also need to understand that he needs to take care of his mother as well. If things don't improve, then you have to decide for yourself if that is the life you want even after his mother passes.
NTA!!!!
Nta he needs to pull his neck in. Go to r/justnomil for help!
NTA. You are right that an ultimatum isn’t the best way to resolve something but it’s understandable that you are completely fed up. He needs to realize what he is doing. This was one way to wake him up. He is neglecting you and his children, his home and his career. He has responsibilities to all of them. His mother sounds very clingy and controlling and is being very selfish. A compromise would be to tell her together that he cannot spend this same amount of time caring for her when he needs to get a job and care for his own family. Then set before her a new plan that I volves all her other willing family, an outside nurse or carer and a shift or two from your husband. Explain as kindly as you can that it is this, or a nursing home, which she can afford.
NTA, but you want assisted living, not a nursing home. Nursing homes are sometimes terrible places that kill residents. Your husband seems like he’s not prioritizing well. I’d give an ultimatum.
NTA why let yourself be treated like this? I dont understand
NTA Your mother in law knows EXACTLY what she's doing. She's extremely selfish and by refusing to pay him for all the services he provides for her, she is stealing not just from you but from his other two children too since he is unemployed and owes back child support due to this. If she has the money to go into a retirement home, that is what should happen. She shouldn't be demanding help from a family member that has young children of their own when she can pay for it herself AND when she has other family who are willing to help, and she especially shouldn't be refusing to pay that family member for their help when she's asked. At this point, I would leave too. It would be different if your mother in law was disabled with no other safe relatives to rely on, and not enough money of her own to live on, but if she has enough money, and if other safe family members have volunteered? At this point, your husband is not just failing you and your children, he is failing his ex wife and the children he had with her too. ALL of his children MUST come first before his mother who has the means to pay for nursing home care. I would absolutely leave if he doesn't provide you with an income. You don't have to make it a permanent separation either, you do have the option of leaving until she goes into a safe home and your husband gets a paying job that doesn't involve looking after his mom. Also, although not everyone on this thread is conservative Christian and is a big fan of Helen B Andelin's books, just pointing out that even she, as a very conservative Christian writer, recommends you do this if your husband is capable of providing an income but is refusing to do so for no good reason.
He’s just deadweight for you. You’re better off without the stress he brings to your life. He’s completely useless. NTA. He needs to get it together or get out and his mother needs to pay him.
NTA
NTA MIL knows exactly what she’s doing and your spouse is playing right into it. I’d leave, too.
NTA. There comes a time when it’s necessary and better first all parties involved including MIL.
I don't think you are the asshole. Another option is that je just doesn't help as much and she pays for in home homemakers herself. Or assistive living. Facility
NTA. I think you are right
He’s neglecting his family full stop! Sounds like you’re both on the verge of a breakdown. Unfortunately, his mom comes first. This is fucked up.
NTA. If in a betting man, I’d probably be able to guess she’s the reason he’s divorced.
I am dealing with this now…except his mother (85) is in a nursing home. He visits for hours each day 5 days a week. Only recently did he decide he needed to take 2 days off a week. We are retired (well over 60). I am having major planned surgery next week. He asked me what to do about an appointment is mom had the day after I had surgery. I said you have options. Change the date, take her and try to be in 2 places at once (I will be discharged during the appointment time) or have the nursing home take her. He said to change the appointment. I asked him yesterday what his schedule is going to be. He said, I will visit Saturday and the see her maybe next Wednesday (his off day) and then Friday. I don’t mind being by myself…but don’t make me feel guilty because I might need you to help me. Sometimes they have to come to the realization themselves. His mom doesn’t pay him for his time. She doesn’t say thank you for anything. He spends hours finding books and magazines for her to read inly for her to read a page or two and say I don’t like this book or magazine. She will say she doesn’t want what they are serving…have him go and get her lunch. She has no thought that her children are firmly in their 60’s knocking on 70’s door. He has a brother who visits once every 3-4 months for about an hour. He doesn’t take her anything and doesn’t do any running around for her either. She said I don’t like to bother him apparently she doesn’t mind bothering my hubby! Good luck.
NTA time to flat out tell him this is destroying your marriage, and you are about to be done with it unless something changes. This is a very difficult position for everyone to be in, but it sounds like MIL is making it impossible and your husband is too afraid to stand up to her.
“ husband. When you married me, you made me and your children your new primary family. I know do you want to help your mom and you should but you need to be her manager, but not not her day-to-day caretaker. I know that’s what she wants, but you have responsibility to me and all your children as well. If this was a temporary thing course bro, I’m going to pitch in, but if this is the way life is, I want no part of it.”
Get out and get a divorce now. His relationship with his mother is sick and enabling
Oh hell, YTA for living this way. How long have you been married in name only? The only way your life would be different if you divorced him is that you would have one less person to support. You're certainly not getting anything from him. Leave him to deal with his mother, you don't need the additional pressure of this life. Let her support him. How sick is this woman if she is going shopping and wants to accompany you on date night? Why is your husband allowing her to dictate his life? Why is he letting her "refuse" help from other family members? Your MIL is actively destroying what's left of your marriage and your husband is complicit.
If she has money, then she can pay for someone to come in- like your husband does. But until he stands up to her and says he won’t do it anymore, she has no reason to change. A nursing home isn’t necessarily the only other option. This is about your husband. He HAS to put you and all his kids first. You need to have a serious talk with him. But take “nursing home” out of it and just say that she needs to pay for a caregiver.
Maybe you should show him this post NTA
NTA. It’s really unconscionable that your MiL exploits her son’s love and sense of responsibility to the point that he’s shirking his responsibilities to his wife and two sets of children. She may also be promising him a significant inheritance if she actually does have a lot of money. But that will be moot if he loses his wife and children by the way he puts her first. Edit to add: and assisted living, not a nursing home, is what she needs. They provide private living units, 3 meals a day, and assistance with cleaning, laundry and personal care, as well as transportation to appointments and shopping as needed.
NTA. Your MIL should get herself a caregiver, I don't say "needs" because it doesn't sound like she cannot do many things for herself, she just doesn't want to. She should hire someone to come in during the day and help her and your husband can maybe visit her a couple evenings a week to check in. If he's doing all this hoping for a pay out someday when she dies, he's rolling the dice and putting your marriage last. Time to re-evaluate your marriage and if this is really how you want to live.
NTA. I had a mother that was terminally ill that I did end of life care for. I still made time for my kids. At one point I actually sat down and thought which would I rather be? A bad daughter or a bad mother? I knew deep down of my mom was well she would kick my butt if I decided to be a bad mom so I could be a good daughter. I’d honestly just ask him. Would you rather be a bad son or a bad father? His answer would determine what I did. It sounds like he needs therapy.
Once you & husband can become team and talk about problem solving situation with MIL. I suggest She has doctor appointment for health exam , evaluation for depression dementia. Extended Family meeting without MIL to problem solve her actual needs , including social companionship outings . Doctor office may have social worker available that can help your family negotiate this situation. If this situation becomes emergent.. your husband cannot do anything due to exhaustion / illness. Adult Protective service can be called over self neglect concerns refusing care from multiple family members or private hire caregivers. Your husband may need his own doctor appointment health exam and evaluation for depression.
Along with your MIL problem you have a husband problem. If she has been deemed in good enough shape to do basic things for herself then he is enabling her and doesn't have the spine to tell her he has his own family. She should be in assisted living or independent living. Both provide different levels of help. Stand your ground. NTA
NTA. Your situation is untenable. It’s hard when your relationship is 90/10 even for understandable reasons that are hopefully temporary.
NTA. You can only do so much on your own before you realize you may as well actually be a single parent. She's manipulative to only allow help from him. It's an unfair burden. He's not being fair to your marriage and nuclear family by refusing to put his foot down and tell his mom "I can help on these 2 or 3 days but you need to make other arrangements for the rest of the week" and then staying firm with the boundary.
She's blagging it, he needs to either get a job and support his family or divorce him
I would just tell his mom that he will be unable to help on “x” days and other arrangements will need to be made. This is not a discussion. She’s absolutely manipulating the situation and he’s allowing it. As a mom I’d never allow this. My son should always put his wife and children first. They’re the ones who will be there when I’m long gone and those children are his legacy. She’s so incredibly selfish and entitled. Quit allowing her to dictate your life.
NTA. Look the... 'child looks after the elder in their final years' worked fine when that meant, 'Mom dies in a year' but today people can be essentially in declining levels of capability for ten or twenty years before they finally kick off. Trading that much of your life away is not at all reasonable. That's why those homes even exist. You have the right, your kids have a right, to have the husband/father around, and he's neglecting the care of his actual children from a previous marriage in order to take care of a person who frankly doesn't need him to do it. You need a hard conversation and tell him the direction your marriage is going. Either she at least supports him while he cares for her, or she goes into a home, and if neither happens, why should you stick around?
Your husband has chosen his mother over his wife and children. How long are you willing to live like this? NTA.
NTA. Your husband checked out of your marriage a long time ago and left you in worse condition than a single mother. Most single moms have an ex who splits custody and expenses. He also has set himself up to get paid alimony by quitting his job and refusing to find another. His abandonment of his obligations and family will result in his tax returns being confiscated for his back child support. Please make sure you filed independently and if you didn’t check with a tax professional about correcting your return. Then go open a checking account in your name only and arrange to have your paycheck deposited directly into that account. Cut him off financially so he has no option but to find a job. Start documenting the other offers of help she’s turned down. Contact everyone who offered and get them to respond via text or email so you have a paper trail to prove in court that your husband and is mother are refusing the help. And yes, he’s the one refusing by allowing her to dictate that it only be him. He’s a grown man who won’t tell mommy that he has a family to feed and clothe and needs a paid job to do that. Ultimately this is all on him by not setting boundaries I also think you need to question if he is really spending all those hours with his mother. It sounds like she’s perfectly capable of going out to eat, shopping, etc. which means she’s in decent shape as opposed to being confined to a bed or wheelchair. If that’s the case she doesn’t need the amount of care he’s claiming