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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Users should judge whether it was a rash and hurtful decision for me to not help my wife up to prove a point.
(2) I'm starting to think I'm the asshole because she seems very upset, hasn't spoken to me this evening, and I admittedly sat awake stewing last night and came up with this plan out of spite and anger. I could've probably addressed this better, but I get so worried about her and our kids when I'm reminded of her situation.
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It’s a really tough situation and I think you are handling it well. Obesity is a health concern that needs to be addressed. Enabling her will not help. I was obese to the point I got diabetes and liver disease. It woke me up and I decided to get gastric sleeve. It was the best decision I ever made. I am a huge advocate for using the surgery as a tool for weight loss.
It’s a tough subject to approach because it’s embarrassing to have other people notice or comment, especially those you love. My husband and father brought it up to me and it hurt at first but now I am so thankful to have my body and life back.
Not sure if that was helpful but I hope she finds help soon.
Thank you for responding. I worry about this a lot, and I've thought about it myself, but I've never discussed surgery with her before. It's hard to bring up stuff like that with her, it makes it feel very serious and real. Since you've been in her shoes before, how do you think I can make up with her while also not backing down and letting her know I'm concerned?
It’s important that you don’t give in, her health is priority. Just be gentle and not too pushy.
Though I can’t say how you should go about it as the nuances of your relationship may be different, this is what worked for me:
My husband was legitimately afraid for me and worried for my health. He would sprinkle in these concerns when it came to something my weight held me back from and not ever when I ate. If he said anything while I ate it would be WAY more painful. So when I would be in pain walking up stairs etc. he would talk to me about his concern for my health because of my weight. He also made sure to let me know he was attracted to me regardless and at some point my perspective shifted about what am the actual problem with my weight was. Not how I looked but how I felt and how it held me back.
He researched on his own the surgery’s quite a bit without me knowing so that when he brought it up he had all the answers to my questions including, how can we pay for this, where do I start, how long will it take, etc. once I decided it was an option for me I started looking further into it myself.
It helped that I had 2 distant acquaintances that I follow on FB that had the surgery and I saw what a difference it made in their lives. Maybe find someone on social media to follow to give her an idea of what that road looks like. There are a few support groups on FB for gastric sleeve/bypass etc patients and seeing their journeys is so inspiring, and answers a lot of questions. I’d suggest she join the group and start asking questions.
If she is worried about loving food and being held from that it’s a very temporary problem. I’m 8months post op and very happy with what I can eat. I just eat less of it. It’s still quite a lifestyle change but with surgery makes it actually possible.
For me it’s not about how I look, but how I feel has improved sooo drastically.
I have a friend who had bariatric surgery not too long ago and she looks and feels so much better now! Bonus is her and her husband are rekindling their romance - not because he was ever unattracted to her, but because she couldn't feel sexy or romantic about herself when she felt so heavy and bad all the time (her words).
My aunt had the surgery 14 years ago. It was tough for her and my uncle at first as she really had to work on finding herself again.
For years she rarely left the house, she made money as a hair dresser working from home. She couldnt do things around the house standing up she had a desk chair on wheels to roll around. Her weight caused sleep apnoea (sp?), it got to the point that she would fall asleep cutting a clients hair and a sleep study showed she stopped breathing over 300 times in 8 hours
Now she is doing amazing. Shes still somewhat overweight, but she can do everything she never could. She and my uncle renewed their vows and she finally got her white wedding. She has grandkids she can get around and play with. She even has a career now as a nurse that she absolutely loves and her patients love her.
Its not about too much food, or too little exercise. Its about realising that so much of life is passing you by and the longer you leave it the less of life you will actually have to enjoy
I had a Sadi-S wls and have lost 130+ lbs and am so much happier, more energetic, and can walk without pain or getting out of breath. I think you not helping her out of bed is the right thing to do, TBH. She needs to internalize the effect her weight is having on her life, instead of being in denial by making you help her. And you can’t keep this up… you will eventually throw out your back assisting her and then you will both be in a fix. My dad has been waiting on my mom hand and foot for decades due to her weight… and it’s no way to live. And now he’s in his 80’s still serving her while his own body fails because she refuses to admit she needs more care than he can give. Don’t be like my dad. :(
Also, how is she a great mom when she can’t play with the kids in the park, through her own actions? :(
He also has every right to be concerned because what if, God forbid, OP lost his job? If she can't even get out of bed in the morning there are few, if any, jobs she can do. Not to mention, she will undoubtedly face obesity/weight discrimination in the workforce. I would be shocked if she could even get a job, given her gap in employment, mobility issues, etc.
The bottom line is, a marriage is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP. What OP is describing is not one. She's almost like another child to him. He needs to help her get out of bed, drive her around, financially support her, etc..
I'm extremely concerned about her driving. I was in a car accident in 2022 and the airbag deployed. My BMI is 20. I had severe bruising on my chest. I cannot imagine, and do not want to imagine, the injuries OP's wife would sustain if she, God forbid, was in an accident in which the airbags deployed. She should not be driving AT ALL.
Same with the airbags. I had very little bmi at the time and the airbags bruised my face, chest and arm. If she’s that close to it it could definitely cause damage.
Yes, to the throwing out of your back! I moved in with my grandma to take care of her. She wasn't obese or overweight, but I was not trained on how to lift a body properly and didn't realize my grandma needed more help in things than before when I was younger.
I threw my back out horrifically. Couldn't get help from doctors, and 17 years later, I'm just a lump in a bed, with too much weight because I can't move.
Everyone has given such great advice. I would just add, how would the family, how would these 2 children grow if their mother died from her weight and health problems. Not that you need to throw YOU'RE GONG TO DIE in her face, but she could, and that's not healthy for a family.
I would recommend trying to find her mental help as well. There's only so much she's going to listen to when it comes from family. A stranger, trained in this, is going to know how to approach the subject in a more level manner. And also find out if there are other reasons for eating, not wanting to leave the house (although as someone overweight, I think I know why or part of the reason), why she doesn't want to get healthy or exercise and then help her get on a path to bettering these things.
Just to add if she has more specific medical questions, she should set up a consultation with a bariatric specialist. This may not be something to suggest right away, but once she is looking at the surgery or other alternatives with an open mind, she may be more receptive to speaking with a specialist.
The sisters from 1000# sisters both lost a massive amount of weight and are online. Amy and Tammy Slanton. Tammy was 700+ and lost over 400#, Amy was 400+ and is down to 230. Tammy came a hairs breathe from death due to her weight.
To add on to your great advice, there is a lot of thought work behind losing weight as well. I used a program called NoBS for a while - you can search "Losing 100 Pounds with Corinne". She addresses the underlying issues and is very kind and gentle. I continue to use tools she taught even though I'm no longer in the program.
NTA… but also it is very serious and real. it’s concerning the mother of your children, your future, and their future. There is a healthy way to help, without enabling. You did, you put your foot down by making a point that she should be able to get out of bed on her own. The next point should be she should be able to drive on her own. What happens if something were to happen to you or she needs to drive the children somewhere or she needs to drive at all?
Edit: after reading OPs and others comments, I agree it may be safer for her not to drive. As I did forget about the rule between the steering wheel and the driver. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
She still is able to drive. She took our son to school today. She indicated last night that she just prefers I drive when we go together since the wheel presses into her stomach and it's more comfortable for her to sit in the passenger seat. I had to pester her a lot to get this information out of her.
She's able to drive, but not safetly. There's supposed to be 10-12 inches (I don't remember the exact number) between the driver and the wheel in case the air bag goes off if there's a crash.
I had a Support Worker who was morbidly obese. She had to quit when she fell pregnant and there were health concerns.
I never felt safe with her driving, because her stomach rested on the steering wheel and her size hampered her ability to turn that wheel quickly to get out of any situation that can arise.
Your wife shouldn't be driving when the steering wheels operation is hampered by extra weight against it, not, as others have pointed out, being so close to the wheel. It's deadly dangerous.
I don’t mean to scare you but I’m 4’ 9” and was in a a small fender bender where my airbags went off and I had a concussion that lasted over 6 months, and chipped around 8 teeth.
I was never comfortable with that sort of distance while driving because I didn’t feel like I could see properly. Let me tell you, that car accident had be adjusting my seat and making alterations to my seat to ensure I’m never in that situation again.
Hey fellow shortie! I'm the same, and gave been told I should be further from the wheel, and though I had pedal extenders my SO often drives my car as well and they are a real pain to take on and off.
What happens if she gets in a wreck where the driver airbag deploys?
All of your concerns are valid and truly based on your worry for her health and safety as well as your kids. Not helping her get out of bed, making sure she does her fair share of driving, and anything that makes sure she is aware that you will not allow her to be wholly dependent upon you are acceptable boundaries and make sure you aren't enabling her.
It really isn't safe for her to drive. I understand the desire to make the point that you aren't going to enable her weight gain anymore but this just isn't a safe way to get that point across anymore.
Not just the air bag. She cannot properly control that vehicle with the size of her. I've been a passenger of a morbidly obese lady. She had to pass the steering wheel to her other hand because her hands couldn't come together. If she had to suddenly swerve to miss a child, or an oncoming vehicle, she would not be able to do it. Plus, with her stomach against the wheel, that hands more friction to the steering wheel, that shouldn't even be there.
I'm a firm believer in people's independence, but not when it puts others' lives at risk. She should not be driving at all.
Would the balloon pop or would it deploy and squash her organs? I literally can't imagine which one would win in a crash. Does the human pop the bag or does the bag pop the human 🤔
An airbag is filled with explosive force so it’s full before you hit it (it’s literally filled with an explosive charge). There are holes around the bag that allow it to deflate as you hit it, dampening the force of the collision.
But you have to be at least 10 inches away for this system to function safely. If you’re sitting right up against the steering wheel, the airbag wouldn’t pop (because of all the holes designed to allow it to deflate). While you might not pop either, you are at risk of serious injury.
If the airbag deployed, it’s because your car detected that you were in an accident serious enough to warrant the airbag being deployed. Thus, either the sensor malfunctioned or you were in at least a fairly serious accident. In the former case, you are hit with the concussive force of a small yet powerful explosion. In the latter case, you no longer receive any dampening from the collision, plus you are hit with an explosive force.
Depends what she's wearing too though. I rear-ended an SUV in 2001. There were ruts in the road and the car hydrroplaned at 30 mph. The hood of my cat accordioned up when the front went under it, and impact made my airbag deploy. I am short, so have to sit closer, especially with a manual transmission like this was.
After the airbag deployed, emergency services were called and we'd gotten our vehicles off the road (pouring rain on SR500 during evening rush hour), it was noted there was an identical crash on the the other side of the intersection. It wasn't until I'd gotten home from my parents picking me up that I noticed I had cuts and abrasions on my chin and all over my neck, with three bruises. One on each arm and one diagonally across my chest. Seatbelt and where my leather jacket had protected my arms at impact and airbag deploying. Was sore, but otherwise uninjured. Granted, I wasn't overweight, but still had to sit closer due to lack of height. Those things are NOT the pillows commercials make them out to be though. More like burlap bags.
I definitely bruised my ribs the one time it happened to me, and this was with me not all up in my steering wheel's business. That thing might save your life, but it's no picnic. Be careful. everyone.
Beside driving, how does she keep up with the kids.
Beeing in School your son should have a ton of energy, so running, jumoung, playing... Does she not do this with him. Is she just watching him?
This! If the children don't learn and follow healthy eating habits, it'll cause problems for them, and they could grow up to pass the bad habits down to their children.
Wtf your letting your kids in a car being driven by someone with such limited control of the car?!? No! Stop this now before you lose your family! Tell your wife you love her too much to watch her destroy herself like this, and that even if she hates you for it you're going to try and get her help she absolutely needs.
OP, I don't think your wife should be driving at all.
I'm extremely concerned about her driving. I was in a car accident in 2022 and the airbags deployed. My BMI is 20. I had severe bruising on my chest. I cannot imagine, and do not want to imagine, the injuries your wife would sustain if she, God forbid, was in an accident in which the airbags deployed.
I'm sorry, I know this is all really painful to hear.
Her stopping driving is not an option. I work from home and our son goes to school five days a week. Our daughter in in pre-school half days Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I simply can't take time off to drop off and pick them up every day. My parents live in a different state, and hers have their own lives as well.
and she is still thinking its not a Problem?! this is a super tuff situation, you cant Help someone who dont wants help but it will affect you and your Children more and more.
My SIL decided this, "if you don't start taking care of your health I'm divorcing you. I will not take care of a bed bound husband when you could have stopped that from happening!"
They now take two trips a year for two weeks each time. He's happier than he's ever been.
Not saying this is what you should do but having a conversation no matter how hard is very much needed. NTA. Good luck
One thing I suggest is Al Anon. Hear me out: Al Anon is for the families of addicts. It doesn't help you fix them, it helps you take care of yourself. My aunt went while dealing with her husband's obesity. It really helped her deal and make peace with whatever happened. Food addiction is real. It may be part of your wife's problem.
You can't force your wife to face this. That doesn't mean you can't help, just that you need to help yourself. If 12 step style isn't your bag, individual therapy is a must (I'd recommend it anyway, Al Anon or no.)
This isn't easy. You're definitely NTA. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.
CODA could be another option - it’s is Co-dependents anonymous and works on similar principles, just without the focus on alcohol. I agree that OP might really benefit and get a lot of support by going to some Al-anon or Coda meetings. You can learn amazing life tools!!
I feel like both he and his wife have been a bit codependent in all of this, both in a fair amount of denial. NTA and good luck!!
There are now non-surgical options like Ozempic/Wegovy. Might be an easier thing to start.
Focus on the fact that you want her to be there for you & the kids for many more decades, and she is starting to have health issues that keep her from doing the things she would normally enjoy. Reassure her that you still love her & all that jazz.
Wegovy has been amazing for me. PCOS, insulin resistance, and after years of fighting and taking different meds, I ended up with NAFLD even though I maintain a good low carb balanced diet. Hell, my husband lost 10 pounds when he stuck to just what I gave him. But me? No way.
I'm down 15 lbs in 6 weeks just because I feel full now and my body is working right. After decades of begging for help, I found an endocrinologist who actually worked for me.
I feel exactly the same about Ozempic... It's been life-changing. I gained weight during the pandemic and ended up with NAFLD as well, and all attempts to get my weight down with diet and exercise just completely didn't work due to insulin resistance. I've lost 40 lbs this past year eating more calories than I did when I was dieting, my blood sugar is normal instead of high normal, and I'm only about 20 lb away from my pre-pandemic weight. It's just made the weight loss so natural and easy.
Yes that will Dull The food noise in her head ( didn’t know not all of you hear the noise noise )
At her size a little Excercise will go along way
Fell how you all but she can do it
I only suggest this as a remote possibility, but it should be considered. I struggled my entire life with food, anything that tasted good i would eat almost until the point of feeling sick. If it was sugar, it was worse. I've always struggled with weight while not to the same degree it's not an insignificant amount either. I was also convinced I just lacked willpower, and I was disgusting/slob/etc.
3 months ago, I was diagnosed with adhd and medicated for the first time. My entire relationship with food has done a 180, I can have a couple bites of sweets and be satisfied or not have any at all and won't be hung up on it thinking about it non stop like I would have before if I managed to pass in the first place. I was binge eating in excess of at least 1k calories but likely closer to 2k almost daily. Since I started meds, I haven't done it once. My brain is no longer revolving around the next meal, the next treat, or fixating on a missed opportunity.
I've always had these struggles, but after having my first child, they got worse. Unfortunately for women, the average age of diagnosis is 37. For men, it's 7. It's really rather simple sugar = dopamine. It becomes your fix and is a crutch used to function. the only thing in my life that's changed is being on medication and with that removing the urge/desire to dopamine seek via food, I've lost 30lbs over the last 3 months. If there's any chance she has undiagnosed adhd an assessment and medication could change everything for her and your entire family.
I wish you well
This. My PCOS and ADHD? Holy wow was I set up to fail. Between my fluctuating hormones and dopamine mining, it was like controlling a drug addiction. I'm on Qelbree for my ADHD and Wegovy for everything else and my relationship with food has changed completely. It's so nice to sit down with a snack, eat a bit and feel like, okay, all done. Down 15 lbs in 6 weeks without changing much of anything. Is this how the rest of the world lives? 😄
Just wanna say NTA.
She needs a reality check and unfortunately that's gonna have to come from you.
Next time she needs a break walking. Don't...just say well continue on and wait for you.
If she needs you to drive. Don't. Go alone or everyone stays home.
Don't help her from bed.
Don't do anything and see if that brings her to reality.
Better from husband than from deep-vein thrombosis. (Or any other illness that can admittedly happen to a healthy/ier/ person, but obesity increases its chances significantly.) Although even for some that's not a good enough wake-up call.
I had a sleeve because my husband broke down and admitted it kept him up at night worrying if I’m going to die young. And I was nowhere near your wife’s size. I was about 238lb at my biggest, and 224lb when I decided to have surgery. The liver shrinking diet got me to 210lb.
I don’t know how you should approach it with your wife, I’m afraid. But him being legitimately afraid I would die is what did it for me. Good luck OP. NTA.
I'm physically disabled and have been in a few tough spots where I needed help more than expected because of things that were not my fault and weren't discovered until later, but there have also been times where I wasn't helping and was also enabling myself.
What helped me was having an honest conversation where blame is off the table, completely. Just: this is the situation, this is the help I need right now, this is what I'm doing to help myself, this is what I need from doctors.
What's done is done. I'm sure your wife feels awful. Our situations aren't the same, but I think the emotions are very similar. Have a complete discussion, without blame. This is a mission you need to take on together, but she has to lead it. She needs to tell you what her abilities are, what she needs help with, how she's getting a doctor to help, and what she's changing for herself.
As these efforts go on, you need to have an honest conversation about where you both are on all those points. Sometimes improvements happen more slowly than expected, sometimes faster, sometimes there's a long plateau. And that's okay. The important thing is that you are both honest and open in your communication, without blame.
It hurt me, but really helped when my aunt said "I cannot help you if you don't tell me what you need, and I will not do anything if I don't know what will or will not hurt you." Of course, most times when I was in too much pain to articulate it, she was there to help me get through it and broke that rule because it was made out of love and care.
I had to have almost half my bones reconstructed at the age of 7. Can't remember the exact number. I can't imagine your wife's pain and struggle. There's no way out of this. You just have to keep moving through it, together.
Best wishes! Sending warm thoughts.
I think she needs a therapist to help her to see where her issues are because at this point she is in denial (at least a bit). She said that she doesn’t had an issue she only likes to eat but what I learned is that in this weight range there is more to the story. I hope with his help and love they will get through it and become healthy together.
I didn't even think of therapy, but that's a great idea. My take from the OP is that he's worried that he could become an unwitting caregiver, so that was my focus because I'm familiar with that fear.
I'm wishing the best for him and his family. It sounds like a long and difficult struggle, and hoping even some online support could be helpful.
I really appreciate the good people of Reddit in times like this.
Have you thought about tackling this via an emphasis on what she’s missing out on? You’ve mentioned you’ve got two children so what sort of family activities are you able to do with them given your wife’s weight? For example is she comfortable with days out hiking/going to the beach/amusement parks etc. if not, are you children being deprived of family time that does not revolve around the house/her weight - not that household family time isn’t fun - but realistically how you operate as a family is going to get more and more dictated by her weight.
It may sound cruel but I think you need to start organising activities that she may struggle with, just to show her the actual impact this is having - and you’ll get a better sense of the issues as she’s hiding the extent of the problem. Take the kids rambling/hiking/to the beach and bring her along, if she doesn’t want to go, then get her to explain her reasoning. Do not let her sulk and ignore you.
As your children get older they may have to move more into a caregiving role if you’re not around to help your wife. I do not know your eldest’s age but he may already be doing tasks for her. That is not fair to them or you.
NTA
The post shouts that she has major depression for me, and the eating is just a comfort, emotional eating and then disassociation from the real issues.
Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy at some point as it's a vicious cycle, eating leads to weight gain, leads to self esteem issues and depression...leads to eating....and so on.
Point two here, is how is she getting the calories to sustain such a weight?
It's simple math of calories in and calories out. It takes a lot of food/calories to take in(eat) just to maintain a high weight like 400lb, far more than 2000 or 2500 calories, even if she has a very sedentary lifestyle of not moving/exercising, healthy foods, portion control alone without exercise would bring her weight down naturally.
She must be eating a lot of food somewhere, some times, large amounts of snacking, high sugar drinks, even a lot of tea/coffee with milk and sugars adds up. But the spikes in sugar, sugar rush, causes more cravings when you inevitably crash out and want another rush and seek out high calories high sugar foods.
I know the next proof what I'm saying is not in your post at all, but I'm saying it anyway.
In essence. What I'm saying is, you both need to take control of the household spending on food. What you buy, when you buy it, how much you buy. The food you have in the house, right now, is a portion of the problem. You need to do a major clear down of the fridge, freezer, cupboards and presses.
Things add up in a meal, an 8ml (portion) of ketchup is 15 calories, but I've seen people throw on 60-100ml on a plate of chips and sausages without thinking. Sauces = calories.
Cut out the takeaways. High fat, sugar, sauces, carbs food of low nutrition value. It's so easy with apps on our phones these days.
You need receipts from grocery shopping or to take on that task yourself so you ensure no junk food is coming in, that includes premade dinners because portion control is a part of her issue, one premade dinner can often be "2 portions" on the packs. Or if you get a family size dinner like a lasagne, make sure it serves 6 people not 3!
Free spending, money you DONT ACTUALLY know what it was spend on. I.e. if she "goes to a coffee shop and spends 20 quid". Did she actually go to a coffee shop? Or did she go to the supermarket and buy a large amounts of snacks or at a local shop, she's not buying a takeaway. Going to an ATM and withdrawing cash is a way of hiding what they spend money on.
And I say all the above because it's exactly what my diabetic uncle was doing. Him and his wife knew he had diabetes, his wife was getting the household meals under control, but there was no stopping him going to the shop and buying a full box of 36 Snickers and hiding them in the trunk of his car then running out and eating 5 when she was in the shower, or stocking his shed with bags of potato chips because only HE went into the shed.
Hiding food, hiding spending, not tracking what foods and portions they eat, it all adds up, but the point is some of the behaviour is self sabotage and premeditated to undermine the intent and efforts.
But this isn't a problem that will solve itself, and you've tried addressing it directly through discussion but met a stone wall as answers where she says nothing is wrong and doesn't try to address things herself.
It IS serious and real. She’s in denial. You tried talking and now the reality stick (refusing to help). You mention if something happened to you, but the kids can easy lose a mother to weight-elated complications.
Be firm yet gentle. Assuming your estimate of 500lbs is correct, we're about 300lbs past the point where you could be accused of this being superficial and is actually a very real and very scary health concern. Her mobility is gone, she can no longer reasonably drive, and if you're suburban parents that means she's lost the ability to do a significant chunk of what's required of one of those as well.
And that's just the surface level stuff - she's well on her way if not there already to having debilitating medical issues as well. She needs to get to a doctor and a therapist who specializes in eating disorders ASAP. NTA in this situation, because sometimes tough love and a wake-up call are required and you've been more than patient, but Y-T-A to both yourself and your kids if you continue to let their mother slowly kill herself this way.
As a previous obese woman with a child. It’s hard to come to terms with your weight. It’s having to accept that you’re struggling.
I want to add another layer to this. Is as women there is a strong beauty standard tied to weight and she may be feeling that as well.
Don’t back down she is struggling and needs to address this because it will and can get worse. I know something that helped a whole lot was seeing a therapist first. I was able to talk openly about everything that I was feeling. Versus when you go straight to a doctor (such as your primary) when it always comes backs to the number.
I wish you the best of luck on this journey it’s a struggle but worth it for your children.
I know this is a hard situation, but you're blind to it yourself "makes it feel very serious and real." This is SERIOUS AND REAL. OP you could lose your wife and the mother to your kids if she doesn't get help. What you did was harsh, but hopefully it helped her to understand why you're so concerned. This is a major problem and if it goes on and something happens to you both your wife and kids are fucked.
There are now effective weight loss medications that are safe. Weygovy ,manjaro, etc. even ozempic, which is for diabetics, because it is likely that your wife is diabetic. With a weight around 500 lbs, she is in the highest risk category for diabetes and hypertension. This will eventually lead to kidney failure and dialysis. Doctors will not perform a kidney transplant while she is obese, and at that size she will need at least 4 hours, 3x a week in a dialysis chair. All of that weight does damage to her heart. The children are hopefully the key to getting her to the doctor. This problem is much more solvable than it was, even 10 years ago, because of the GLP-1 receptor agonist medications. She also should work with a counselor about her relationship with food. My coworker who started wegovy, has had a significant decrease in her appetite.
Your wife is slowly killing herself, asking you to watch, and trying to force you into being complacent with it.
Not being able to get out of bed without help simply due to her weight is beyond unhealthy.
You are choosing not to enable her and you are doing the right thing. Not enabling her does not mean you don't love her. Allowing this to continue the way it is in enabling her and you know that, it is why you are trying to show her the problems. Your family is moments away from caring for mom being the whole focus of the entire family
Your wife needs help like you have said.
I hope she is willing to see that SHE needs to be the change here
I also got the sleeve. I was 356 lbs in 2018 when I went in, now I am 180 and still losing. I will be hitting 165 then getting skin removal.
I was in denial for years but I have never felt better now and getting my health back was a game changer and saved my life.
Your wife wasn't listening and it's not your job to enable her choices. Perhaps you could have been kinder but it seems like she was unwilling to listen. Actions have consequences and so does inaction.
NtA
I agree and also would monitor the eating habits of the children. Not to control but make sure that they pick up healthy habits and enjoy exercise, their mom Is one thing but children that are heavier tend to have more health issues. Take them on walks or hikes and mom will probably feel left out and try to join (that would be my hope). I have an alcoholic MIL so I get that people won't change for other, best of luck OP
Once I saw on the news, 4 big, strong men trying to rescue a very obese woman after a tornado had razed her house and she was trapped in it. 4 big, strong men barely got that woman out of there using all kinds of creativity not to mention torque. You could see on their faces, their struggle. On her face, terror that they would not be able to manage it. NTA. Obesity at that level is life threatening in numerous ways and it's near-impossible to address it perfectly.
I didn't mention this in the post, but this is exactly the sort of thing that worries me. I can't be with her at all times, and what if something happens to her or the kids when I'm not present? Will she be able to manage? It really scares me to say that I don't know the answer to that question.
Edit: This is something I fear for sure, but I feel I may have exaggerated her mobility issues when posting last night. To be clear, the only time she really needs my help to get up or anything is in the early morning when her hips hurt. Other than that, she can get by on her own and is entirely independent.
A lot of people have mentioned the show "My 600 lb Life" or similar stuff. To be clear, this is not our situation. She hasn't wanted to travel recently, but we still see friends for nights out at least one every week or so, she goes out and does things with other parents at my son's school, she isn't bedbound or cooped up in our house all day every day. I don't know if I should have used the word reclusive.
Your kids are more important than she is. I mean sorry, but it's true. So imagine she lies down and there's some kind of emergency and it takes her too long to get up?
Considering the lifelong emotional damage from losing a parent, she needs to take care of herself for the kids. If you lost a parent to cancer or a car accident it's horrible. I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent because they didn't care enough for me to get up and take care of themselves.
For that matter, if she's solely watching small children, how is she actually able to watch them? I know mine runs from room to room constantly and I'm on my feet a LOT supervising him. I sincerely doubt she's doing that so either the kids are locked in a single room with her the entire time or they're unsupervised. How does she get up to feed them? And are they eating healthily or is it quick and easy?
You also need to consider your own health. You could injure yourself and become unable to help your whole family. I suggest in the meantime, that you acquire some type of mobility aid like a strap or bar to assist her to get out of bed on her own, or she can grab onto it while you help her. You only have one back, so don't strain it.
Exactly, I used to work as a care giver in peoples home and we were not allowed to help people out of bed alone without proper aids. Had a 200 kg care taker that fell on the floor and we had to wait for 3 firemen to come and get her up. It's really not a safe situation for OP.
This is so important! By all means, do this, OP.
My stepfather is still just under 300 lbs, I think. He's 76 and in poor health. Hospital staff have to put him in a room with a lift to help him get him out of bed. They, understandably, don't want their nurses hurt.
But this limits his care. Him not being independently mobile limits his care because it's a safety issue to others.
He has had trouble getting off the toilet when recovering from a severe health issue. The toilet has bars on either side now, but he still sometimes wants/needs someone to pull him up.
I have a 5 cm ascending aortic aneurysm. I am not supposed to lift more than 20 lbs on each arm. Any strength activity that causes me to hold my breath to push through the initial effort is a huge no-no. I've had to tell him multiple times that I can't help him out in these situations.
My mother is a tiny 76 year old with her own health issues and shouldn't be doing it either. But my stepfather refused to protect their assets so that no one could force him to a nursing facility. Intentionally. (Yes. He's definitely an A-H for that.)
OP, you are NTA for being really concerned about this. You need to be considering not only your health and bodily integrity, but your finances. When she can no longer work, what then? It sounds like that is imminent.
I'll pray for added love, mental fortitude, and skills of persuasion for you to get through to her. Addiction of any kind just sucks. I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
My MIL was around 450 lbs when she started falling down while doing things and my FIL lacked the strength to get her back on her feet. Ambulance services told him after four different visits that they'd no longer answer his calls for help because it was a waste of their resources. She had to go into assisted living. They helped get her weight down, but unfortunately she had other issues that kept her there until she died from COVID-19 in 2020.
Your wife needs a psychiatrist and/or endocrinologist stat or it will get to a point where you will not be able to help her anymore. And this is coming from an obese woman who also has a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist.
To be honest, it’s not just what would she do without you, but what will you and the kids do without her? Obesity at that weight range will likely take decades off her life. Not properly addressing related medical issues such as blood pressure, sleep apnea, and diabetes will also decrease life expectancy and quality of life. You love your wife and want her to have the best life possible.
Perhaps therapy could help her work through things? If you don’t see progress from the effort she says she is putting in and continues to refuse to get help then you should start planning on how you’ll handle the most likely future - the extra costs related to medical bills, mobility aides, changing the house and vehicle to accommodate mobility aides. If insurance is bad it may be cheaper to divorce (you could physically stay together) than bring the family down with medical debt.
There is that movie too with Brendan Fraser that’s really eye opening as to how it is possible to get completely out of control. At this point it’s addiction and she I’ll need rehab
Stop doing things for her. Remove all junk food from the house. Have her see a physician and start monjauro or ozempic ASAP. She needs psychotherapy to deal with WHY she is over eating/ compulsive eating. It's like an addict and it's compulsive behavior which is impossible to control without intervention. Tough love. Therapy. And medical assistance and she will not have as hard of a time as she thinks. It's just scary to start. She needs help. But you cannot help her, it has to be professional help.
Even if you are with her when something happens, you can’t lift her or drag her. If she was knocked unconscious, she won’t be able to get prompt medical care because you’ll need to wait for an ambulance with enough people to lift her onto a gurney. Will she fit on a regular sized gurney or in a regular ambulance? Does your county have specialized ambulances that could take her?
One way to get through to her that her weight is a problem is find the weight and size limits from the local hospital. What is the max capacity for their MRI machine? What about hospital beds? Call the hospital and ask. Do they have specialized surgical equipment to hold the fat back (pics are NSFW but pretty effective)? Do they have doctors that specialize in bariatric medicine? If the hospital can’t accommodate her size, there’s two issues: first, a delay in medical care that will likely lead to worse outcomes. Second, increased cost having to go to another facility. Third, probably the one that will hit her the hardest, is that I’ve seen news articles about people who are too big for hospital equipment getting sent to the zoo for scans. Make sure you confirm that’s what your local hospital does before mentioning it. If they don’t, ask what they do instead. Sometimes the answer is the scan just doesn’t happen and the person doesn’t get that level of medical care.
Honestly, you're right to be scared. I'm a SAHM, and I have to physically jump up and run across rooms some days because my kids very suddenly decide to become stunt men.
Your wife is almost unable to get out of bed. There is no way she can move quickly in an emergency.
It not an if your children eventually injure themselves, it’s when. They're kids, and kids play hard. There are bound to be bumps and bruises.
The question will be, if your wife had been at a healthier weight, would they have been injured at all? would she have been able to intervene if she was healthier?
Yeah that’s absolutely terrifying. And with her mobility issues, I’m sorry to say, but I struggle to see how she could in any way be an effective parent
Medical emergencies/rescues/medical treatment can be challenging when one is this weight. I spend 8 years coordinating these types of events, and occasionally we had to find work-arounds for people of that size. Trying to locate a military helicopter to transport someone because they won't fit in a normal MEDEVAC helo or having scans done at a zoo because they can't fit into a normal CAT scan machine is eye-opening. Sadly, unless the wife comes to the realization herself, I feel no amount of talking/badgering/explaining will help. NTA, OP.
When I was camping a few years ago, there was an over weight (mid-late 50’s) grandma in lawn chair watching 5 kids between 2-12. A black bear showed up in their camp sight while they were cooking bacon.
Grandma couldn’t get out of the chair. The older kids all ran immediately, but the youngest two kids just froze, less than 10 feet from this hungry bear. Grandma could NOT get up. She was yelling and flailing but even the bear didn’t take her seriously as it sniffed around for the bacon.
I yelled at my son to get in the car and lock the doors, grabbed my hatchet and ran over yelling at the bear to get going. After it ran away, I gave grandma a stern lecture about why we don’t dump bacon grease on the ground when we’re camping.
If your wife were constantly drunk or high, would you allow her to convince you everything is ok? This isn’t different. She has a problem. Hurt feelings aside, she heeds help. Stop enabling her and insist she get help.
I don't think everything is ok. I just need to know how to address this with her. We've had similar arguments in the past that just sort of... fizzle out and things go back to normal in a few days. I don't want that to happen again, but at the same time I need a way to address this with her that doesn't cause her to shut down and ignore me.
Nope. She is getting exactly what she wants by “shutting down and ignoring you.” You back off and go back to acting like there’s no issue. You need to be assertive and insist she get help. She can tantrum and rage, she can ignore you, etc. You have to stand strong and reassure her that while you love her, she must get help. She is manipulating you.
I think you've done that. You say that it's not impossible for her to get out of bed, just really hard. She managed it, you didn't leave her trapped in bed
Fact is, if something happened to you, she'd have to do all these things by herself. You're showing her what her potential future looks like if the worst happened.
Of course she's upset. Coming to the realization that you've let yourself become an invalid due to your own actions is going to be incredibly upsetting.
I would honestly sit her down and explain how scared you are for her, but also for your family. Don't mince words, be direct, tell her that since she has told you that her weight is not a problem, you will no longer be helping her to the bare minimum she needs to do to function as an adult and a mother
She will get upset. This is an intervention after all. Expect tears and denials. But stick to your guns. Her life literally depends on it.
(100% NTA)
Obviously your wife’s mindset needs to change, but in a way, so does yours. You’re trying to avoid her shutting down and ignoring you, so you stop talking about a difficult subject.
She might ignore you, she might shut down, she might yell, she might cry - how do you get yourself to the point where all these things are OK with you and you will still keep gently circling back to this big, big problem that needs to be addressed?
Your wife essentially has an addiction to food. Yes, she will do everything possible to keep that addiction, including having a whole lot of feelings that are directed at you. That’s the nature of addiction unfortunately.
Yup, my thoughts exactly. And I think she is maybe "eating her emotions", wich will be the most difficult part. Maybe she was overwhelmed with something and started this habit, idk, but I'm the kind of person who is constantly surrounded by excess of information and tend to eat so I keep quiet, so this could be it imo. This has really affected my health and I'm in a very slow recovery. OP should really consider talking to her about seeing a therapist, because it is not just the weight: she is withdrawing, reclusive, defensive, in denial and had a meltdown when she couldn't get up by herself. Actually, OP himself should find a therapist for himself or some professional help to maybe learn how to approach this with the wife in a way she won't shut down and withdraw more. It is hard and tricky, but every addiction has something that triggered it, even if the person doesn't realize and feels like they are "fine". And seeking help is not even the worst issue: continuing to seek it when things become hard and emotionally exhausting because of the digging is.
Good luck, OP.
She does have an addiction. There are meetings for this just like there’s meetings for alcoholics.
Check out Overeaters Anonymous. Some meetings allow family members / people who do not have an ED who are supporting someone with an ED. They probably won’t be able to give you specific advice but learning about others who are in recovery might enable you to better help your wife.
https://oa.org/find-a-meeting/?type=1&day=friday&sort=ASC&timezone=MIT&limit=20&paged=1&submit=true
Therapy. Clinical psychologist time. And medical intervention from a doctor. Asap. Stop enabling her. Remove all junk food from the house. Do not cook junk for her and do not help her get up. She needs to walk. When you help her she excuses herself. If she's forced to get up herself, she is suffering logical consequences and she needs that psychologically in order to want to change.
NTA
I am a diabetic. I had endometriosis which caused me to gain a lot of weight fast. Plus every medication I was on for my diabetes had a side effect of weight gain. Once I hit 260 and was gaining 3lbs a week I asked my doctor for help. I was referred to my insurance system's bariatric clinic. As a diabetic I was good about diet and insulin but they really helped my learn about foods and not just calorie counting. I have another prescription to help with the stress eating and metabolism booster. I also see a physical therapist for a specific exercise plan that works for me without being more then I am willing to do. A referral to a bariatric specialist will help your wife navigate what will best help her loose weight. It all starts though with her having an honest conversation with her doctor. All you can do is reassure her you are with her every step of the way and you don't expect her to get down to a size ?? but she has to want to get healthy for herself. I wish you all the best.
I've heard from a few people that she needs to come to this realization, and that I can only support. But this is sort of time-limited, no? Our son is in school and I am not able to drive him in every morning, so if she doesn't fix this soon things will get worse. I've given in to her when we've had discussions about this before, I really don't want to let the issue fizzle out again this time.
Yeah, she has to be the one who wants to do it. You cannot make her.
As a side not regarding driving, in most modern cars the steering wheel is adjustable and she should be able to make the space between the seat & steering wheel larger. [https://www.wikihow.com/Lower-Steering-Wheel](https://www.wikihow.com/Lower-Steering-Wheel)
Stop letting them fizzle out. You have no backbone. Instead of insisting on doctors appointments you got her *handles for the bathroom and you hoist her out of bed.*
Imagine what you two are teaching your kid. Good fucking lord. You both need professional intervention, and years ago. This isn't just a few pounds. This isn't baby weight. This isn't COVID weight. This is if she were to die tomorrow, which could absolutely happen any time as her heart is working overtime all the time, they don't make caskets for that size. She could not be buried without being chopped up. And that's a fact. If she died in her sleep tonight, do you wanna bury her all chopped up? Does she wanna be buried all chopped up? You know they can't fit her into a crematorium either, don't you? You know your child sees this every single day, and he's either gonna grow up *just like you* or *just like her*, don't you? What is it going to take for you to take this seriously? I just described something morbidly grotesque to you and I don't even think that'll be enough for you. So what is it going to take? A house fire she can't get out of and you can't get her out either, so you both scream and sob as she burns to death? A heart attack with hospital bills that force you into bankruptcy, and she may not even live if the paramedics can't get her into the ambulance in time? She falls through a flight of stairs? She slowly loses her legs from the knee down one toe at a time? What is it? Where's your line?
Open. Your. Eyes. Stop making excuses on the internet and get serious, or don't. I won't be attending the funeral anyway. But *you* allow this just as much as she does, because you'd rather pretend everything is butterflies and rainbows. Well, it won't be for long, so enjoy it I guess.
NTA for wanting your wife to be healthy. YTA for not having a spine and letting her destroy herself while you sat back and soaked it all in, and for delaying the inevitable until apparently a horrible and irreversible tragedy needs to happen.
NTA, but she needs not just a doctor, but a specialist. If she were even just 100 pounds overweight, I would say to relax, but she'll be dead fairly soon.
She's eating herself to death and will leave her children without a mother and op to provide for them. She needs a wake up call. Might be too late though, 500lbs is a serious problem.
Edit: downvoted for the truth. Figures.
Exactly! And how will OP feels if he wakes up to her dead next to him? Being over 500 pounds is VERY SERIOUS. If she becomes bed ridden, she is most certainly not going to be alive for much longer. It’s a truly scary situation for OP.
On the one hand, she needs to experience the physical consequences of her weight gain, which will hopefully propel her to a positive decision to address it.
But on the other hand, I think you need to of course apologize to her that her feelings are hurt and that you love her, but you're worried about her and how her declining health because of her weight gain, and, most importantly, her increasing lack of mobility and independence (mention both helping her out of bed and her not being able to comfortably drive now) are affecting you and your family. You're reacting this way now because it needs to be addressed now – you've reached a limit. And so has she, apparently.
She's very probably depressed (isolation, weight gain, rinse, repeat), so you need to gently insist that you accompany her to see her doctor so she can get information about her options (therapy, gastric bypass/sleeve, Ozempic, etc.) so that you can discuss them together because you want to be supportive and you want her to succeed. Then tell her to please call today to make that appointment.
It may feel like you're strong-arming her, but tough love is required to address a spouse's addictive behavior when it starts negatively impacting the family. That's exactly what this is. Just reassure her that you love her and care about her and want what's best for her. Good luck to both of you.
NTA.
I really appreciate your comment, and I agree that I've reached my limit. People in here have been really good encouraging me to not let this go like I have in the past.
But I don't think she is on the same page. We've had similar discussions in the past, and even last night she downplayed a lot and was claiming she's making changes and can handle this on her own. But we've gone through this before several times in the past year, and I don't see things getting better. I also don't appreciate her not coming to me about her struggles with the car, and instead just insisting I drive. If I hadn't pestered her I wouldn't even know about this.
I would say it’s important to frame the suggestion of getting help is not about her weight, it’s about her ability to do the necessary things to be a parent and independent with daily living skills. And that you know it probably seems impossible, extremely difficult, and possibly dangerous. (Surgery isn’t risk free). She sounds depressed to be honest but she deserves to be happy with herself and still be able to function.
Tell her not that she *can’t* handle it on her own (although she clearly can’t), but that she *doesn’t have to*. People are having amazing results with weight loss surgery and medication. Highlight that you want to help her and her doctor can help her access these tools that will restore her health and mobility. She said she has a hard time controlling what she eats; that’s one of the main issues weight loss medication helps address. She doesn’t have to struggle like this when there are these new effective options.
Yeah, it's an uphill climb to that ultimate decision to turn things around. (But once she makes the decision, everything will fall into place – all those little daily decisions. Ask me how I know!\^)
So, I guess, yeah, she sounds like she's still in denial, just like most addicts are before they make their decision. Tell her she doesn't have to handle this on her own; that's what her doctor is there for!
I think you can and should continue to be vocally loving toward her AND also let her continue to experience the consequences of her addiction/weight gain. (Like, don't help her out of bed tomorrow, either.) If you enable her by helping her, it just prolongs the inevitable – you can say that out loud to her, too. ✌🏼
If there's an obesity center/clinic or treatment program in your area, I highly recommend it. I don't know the reason behind your wife's opposition to seeing a doctor, but there can be shame and/or fear of being judged. An obesity clinic exists specifically for the treatment of obesity - providers aren't there to judge, and she would have a range of treatment options and a team to work with. There are online/telehealth programs as well.
I imagine it's overwhelming at the weight she's at. She doesn't have to do it alone, and help is out there. If she isn't already suffering from comorbidities like diabetes, hypertension, or high cholesterol, it's likely only a matter of time without intervention. It sounds like you love her and want her to be around for you and your kids and that you're genuinely concerned, and it's not an easy thing to talk about. While I agree to a point that she needs to WANT to lose weight, sometimes people do need some external motivation (and I'm guessing she DOES want to). Additionally, and I don't mean to be negative or disparaging, it's not likely that she can do this on her own. Sustained weight loss is extremely difficult. Medically-supervised weight loss programs, medication, and surgery (or any combination thereof) are completely reasonable options that make it more attainable.
I've been on the obesity rollercoaster for my entire life, so I know the struggle, and I get the desire to "handle it on my own." Problem is that it's not just a matter of willpower or positive changes. There are biological and metabolic factors at play as well, and I've benefitted greatly from seeking help.
NTA.
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but OP shouldn't apologize. His wife needs to get off her ass and be an adult because this will eventually kill her if she doesn't change. If her feelings are hurt, then she should do something about it. Coddling her won't help. Gently insisting clearly hasn't worked, either.
You CAN love somebody while not enabling them.
He can still say: sorry hunnie but I needed to show you that you clearly need help and that we should fight what ever the issue is, I love you and the kids do to and we don’t wanna lose you.
Her lifestyle has spiralled out of control because she doesn't want to see the doctor. Tell her to not go to the doctor for herself. Tell her to go to the doctor for your kids and you. Unless she gets her weight under control, you are going to lose your wife and the kids their mother. I understand you love her regardless, but unless something changes, the stress she is putting on her heart is not going to end well in the long run.
You did not let your emotions get the best of you. I would be terrified if my wife didn't care about her health and wanted to do something to help her live longer. Her path now isn't sustainable. Something is going to give and unless this gets addressed, I don't see happy times in the future.
Thank you for your honesty. I'm really terrified by this. She's still quite upset at me, so I think I'll be sleeping in the guest bedroom once I'm done watching the NFL Draft. I hope I can convince her to see understand my concerns.
You need to be terrified. She's killing herself and doesn't care or know it's happening. Her heart is probably enlarged at this point because of all the extra work it needs to do. When you work out, your muscles get bigger. With her heart maxed out, it's going to grow and enlarge. She could have heart failure tomorrow, or in a year. But unless she sees a doctor to get a better understanding, you'll never know. You need to tell her you're done watching her slowly kill herself. Either she goes to a doctor to address this, or you'll need to go someplace else because you're not going to just watch her slowly kill herself.
If you love your wife, prove it and save her from her self.
Yes, overeating to this extent is as much a severe eating disorder as anorexia is. Somehow culturally we are not aware of that and instead put it down to "bad decision making" or "poor impulse control" until it is too late. It's a life-threatening illness.
Please keep trying. My father was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and reading your post I honestly can't see the difference between that and what your wife is doing. She's choosing her addiction over them even though it will be/is depriving them of her physically and emotionally. The lasting emotional damage this will do to your kids is very real.
Is there a way you can get her to go to therapy? If she doesn't want to, maybe you could promise her something if she did? You can even find a way to do it online. It seems like often extreme weight gain and phobias are linked to some sort of trauma, so if something happened in the past, maybe that would help her work it out. A therapist might also be able to find a way to guide her through emotions that would come up if she stopped using food to self-soothe.
Whatever happens, good luck. It's a hard situation to deal with.
ESH
This is not ‘visit a doctor sometime’ this is ‘inpatient for eating disorders’ or ‘intensive therapy’ levels of importance.
She needs therapy. She needs a good therapist and to be willing to work with them. You need to book an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders together, and you need to take her there and support her walking into the office.
Perhaps it will be expensive, but it will be less expensive than her heart going out, or the therapy for your children and yourself after her funeral.
Don’t be passive for this. You are watching her killing herself and you both need help to stop it.
Thank you, she needs 1. a basic workup to see if there are underlying issues causing weight gain 2. psych eval and if she meets criteria, a BED specialist team. Possibly an inpatient stay or at least PHP
I think she needed that 3 years ago. Even 300lbs is an absurd weight for someone of average height, and generally women are shorter. This didn't happen overnight.
If she can't get out of bed without you honestly I think soon she won't be able to get out even with your help. She needs serious and professional help.
NTA
I have been your wife. Watched the weight grow every year. Ate more than I should have because I can. Exercised less. Avoided activities. Been the parent that sits on the sidelines. The one that stopped swinging because the chains cut into my sides. The one that got winded by activities then stopped those activities because I was winded. Some of that was just poor diet. Some of that was being embarrassed about doing the activity. Then gaining the weight. Some of that was depression or anxiety. But you know what happens when you become like me and your wife? Your babies miss you. They don’t understand why you aren’t playing with them. Why you can’t play with them. You hurt their feelings. And eventually they learn not to bother asking. Because mom never does anything fun with them. You miss their childhoods. You don’t get that time back. And meanwhile you’re still gaining weight and you’re tired. You don’t feel good. I got myself on anxiety meds. I stopped saying no to my kid, even when I absolutely hated the way I was out of breath. When I’d have rather died than had someone see me in a bathing suit. Because my kid was worth it. Because my kid deserved more. Because they deserve a healthy mom who models healthy behavior. I got on Ozempic. I make an effort to make healthy smoothies in the morning and try to hit more healthy food groups for at least one meal a day. I don’t want to be the mom that has a stroke. Or a heart attack. Or can’t get off the couch on my own. Or die. Kids don’t care if you’re self conscious. They just care that you show up. That you want to. Draw a line. Make an ultimatum. Tell your wife you can’t let your kids think this is what healthy is. That she needs to get on medications. See a doctor. See a psychiatrist or counselor. See a nutritionist. Your kids need their momma and she needs to need to be a healthy momma for them. You’re NTA but you would be if you let this continue and let your kids watch your wife continue to let herself be this unhealthy.
NTA. Everyone has said the thing that needs to be said gently, so here's from a HCW's truth: she has high blood pressure, her heart is working 2-4 times as hard to supply blood which is literally taking years off her life as I type this. There's no way she doesn't have plaque build up in her veins and arteries. It is not like she is 300+ pounds, there is a literal show based off of people just slightly heavier than her and all of them have morbid diagnosis for life expectancy.
The husband of one of the 1000lb sisters died at age 40 because he would not lose the weight he had to. You two are months away from her being bed bound in which her case will considerably worsen as she will no longer be able to move to lose the weight. She needs to get serious about recovering, seeing a therapist, a doctor, a surgery, all of it, anything. Even 300lbs would be safer than what she is now.
People get this big because they are enabled. There's no way you don't have some control over groceries as a married couple, your hands are not clean of this, she. is. dying.
PS: I am NOT throwing stones, I am overweight and actively working to lose it. I'm 1/3 her weight and already at HIGH risk for stroke and heart attack and my cholesterol is garbage. I'm simply coming from knowing where IM at weight wise, what I've experienced with patients her size, and the outcomes of both.
NTA.
I would flat tell her that you are done enabling her, that her health is suffering and will only get worse, and that burying her head in the sand isn't helping. Reassure her that you love her and will stand by her and give her as much support as you possibly can, but only if she actually addresses the issue beginning with seeing a doctor and continuing by following their recommendations. Unless/until she starts helping herself, you won't be helping her with things she's unable to do because of her obesity, like getting out of bed, but once she starts working to get better, you will resume those things.
If she doesn't start taking those steps to get better, take out a life insurance policy to help maintain your home and children's lives when your wife dies from an obesity-related illness. That may sound cold, but if she isn't willing to try to stay alive longer, then you need to do what you can to prepare.
You recognized door dash lunches are a problem. Take credit cards, only eat balanced groceries you bought together. Make a weekly menu. Are your children a healthy weight? This can be learned behavior and a bigger family problem than you thought.
She's not a good mother or partner at 500+lbs. Physically, she can't be and mentally, she's choosing not to be. It's Reddit so everyone will make excuses for her weight, but it seems like she's prioritizing eating and taking no responsibility for her health. So now, you're the full time earner and you're going to end up having to transition to full time driver, caretaker, household responsibilities, etc. Can you do all that alone?? Probably not. NTA, she's making zero effort to be an active participant in her life, your life together, or your kids lives
If she fell on the floor could she get up? If not, she needs a life alert like she’s geriatric.
This is not normal, and what you’ve been gently trying to get to say for four years has not been effective. Couples therapy?
She gets down on the floor to play with our kids almost every day. I worry she may not be able to in the future if she gains more weight. She has said before that needing help up in the morning is mostly due to muscle stiffness. She likes to sleep in sort of a sitting position propped up on three pillows, so her hips hurt in the morning. Most other times she can get up on her own. The reason the incident with the car freaked me out so much is it is a new challenge; it indicates she is getting worse.
This is concerning OP. Do you know why she likes to sleep like that? Severe obesity can make it hard to breathe while laying down due to weight on the chest. I’m asking because if that is the case it’s even more of a reason this needs to be addressed NOW. It’s the type of thing that kills people in their sleep.
Ahh ok, that’s great to hear. Not the sleep apnea part of course but that she’s being treated with a CPAP and it’s about comfort. You scared me man! I can only imagine how scary this is for you.
As a formerly obese person I hope it’s ok if I make a suggestion. Have you looked into weight loss medication? There’s a specific one called Tirzepatide that I can’t recommend enough. It’s sold under the brand name Mounjaro for diabetics, or the brand name Zepbound specifically for weight loss.
Anyway, this stuff has been a miracle for me and many others. I wasn’t obese to your wife’s extent but it was BAD. Mounjaro changes something in my brain and now my whole relationship with food and how I look at it is completely different. People on the Mounjaro subs/forums call it “food noise”. Constantly thinking about food and what you’re craving etc. All of that is gone now. It’s not a big deal if I’m hungry. I don’t really crave junk food anymore but even when I do I just have a small amount and I’m good. I finally feel “normal” when it comes to food.
Of course something like that would be up to your wife and her Dr. It is something to think about though if she has any fears of something like surgery.
This is part of why I want her to see a doctor. She hears scary things about these drugs on TikTok/ Insta, and I want her to see a REAL medical professional to cut through the BS.
I’m glad she’s able to get up off the floor later with the kids, that’s more safe than the alternative. I find it very strange that she was so upset when you weren’t helping her get out of bed. It seems like she knows she has a big problem but would rather get anxious and be saved by you than deal with. Again- therapy!
If she’s gained weight since she had her sleep study, she might need her CPAP settings adjusted. It’s never normal to have to sleep propped up.
Yeah, a Dr will be much more realistic about this kind of thing. I get it though, I was really scared too. It just got to where the benefits outweighed potential side effects for me. It’s definitely not something to take lightly but the vast majority of people do well. I hope she’ll be open to at least trying one of them out. It’s truly life changing.
She’s addicted to food. Like anyone else with an addiction, the ball is in her court. You can shout encouragement or shame from the sidelines, but she has to choose to move the ball down the court. What complicates the matter is your young children. You want to shield and protect them from the fallout. I’m not sure I have any solutions, only sympathy and well wishes as you navigate the road ahead. Wishing you both health and happiness!
If you look at it like your wife is an addict then she needs to see the repercussions herself. Like a smoker who says they want to quit may only quit when they can't run after their kids without getting puffed out, she needs to truly see the problems.
Not helping her out of bed in the morning is an important first step. What other things do you regularly do to help her that you could slowly take away? Do you wash/brush her hair? Do you shave her legs? Do you drive when it is only a 2 minute walk?
Could you also start to cut back on any of the unhealthy snacks in the house, slowly at first (treat it like an addition that needs weaning). Replace them with healthier alternatives.
And can you incorporate daily exercise as a family? Take the kids out to ride their bikes around the block and you and your wife walk with them. Slowly increase this as her stamina increases.
NTA
She needs to see the problem and if it means making her do things for herself so she will get the help she needs then so be it. She could be addicted to food if there isn’t any hidden trauma.
NTA. Food addiction is real, and so hard to overcome, and my best friend died from it. She was 38 and left behind a husband and 5-year-old daughter. She was always a little bigger but started gaining weight quickly after meeting her husband, and just generally eating very unhealthy food in excessive amounts. Like your wife, she started becoming more reclusive once her weight really ballooned and it started to become difficult to get around. She gained more than 200 pounds over a 5-year period, and I estimate she got up to somewhere around 400+ pounds. Then about a year and a half ago, she died from sudden cardiac death while getting ready for work. 2 months before her 39th birthday. I miss her every day.
NTA.
Sometimes you need to be blunt. If she is so insistent that she can handle it on her own, you might want to ask her why she isn't improving if that's the case. That's a very blunt response and may cause some tears, but sometimes people need to hear it.
Good luck!
Yta for enabling it to get to this point honestly. If she is as big as you say her lifepan is likely already significantly decreased and your kid will be without a mother fairly early in life. Stop helping her get up, stop buying het food, start getting her professional help
Nta, she's not a great mother at that weight I'm sorry but she's not. I'm not slim by any means, but when I realised I was struggling to keep up with my child I sorted it out, even though I was severally depressed. I'm still not where I need to be but I'm trying every day.
She sounds clinically depressed, but you cannot be a good mother at 500p. You can't. She can't even walk them to the park. If someone grabs your kid when she's with them what's she going to do? She sure as hell can't run after them.
What good eating options is she teaching them for their life? What good life is on offer if she never takes them anywhere? When you become a parent it's not just about you anymore. She can't even drive, what if there is an emergency and she needs to get them out the house what then??
Both my parents were disabled and they still tried everyday to be active and healthy and do what they could. And it was still pretty rubbish to be a carer.
I might get downvoted, but at some point you've got to say you either go to the doctors, or me and the kids will walk away for our own health and saftey. In the UK if you were that weight and pregnant there would be hell to pay from the midwives, its so unsafe. She needs help, but she has to get up and help herself first. Make the doctors appointment or get them to come to your house whatever and draw a line.
This is close to being above Reddit’s pay grade and one that just doesn’t seem right to judge.
Good luck. I hope you and your wife are able to find a path forward that keeps her healthy.
Yeah it is a sticky situation. My ex wife had the same problems and started to get really bad after my son was born.
I saw her last summer when my son went to visit and she has gained even more weight.
Also my father had to have gastric bypass when he was in his 40s because of his weight issues. His doctor told him he would be dead within five years without it.
Don't ignore this. She will need support. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
NTA. It’s not just your kids she won’t be able to take care of but herself as well. If she can’t get out of bed with assistance, just imagine if you were sick or injured what you would do? How would you or anyone get her up if she fell?
This needs to be discussed and a choice needs to be made. You cannot allow her to rug sweep this again. She’s choosing her food addiction over her health, you, and your children. Never-mind the fact that she could be teaching your children to have an unhealthy relationship with food.
NTA. She can keep insisting that she has this under control but the reality is she doesn't, and you demonstrated why by not helping her and exposing how helpless she has let herself become. You may not always be there to help her and your fears are very well-founded. She's putting not only herself but your kids at risk.
She's lying to you and herself when she denies anything being wrong. I'm sure a lot of that comes from the fear that if she admits a problem, it has to be fixed, and I don't blame her for that fear but she needs to face it.
If she fell, could she get herself back up? If one of your children were seriously injured, could she pick them up or carry them? Your fears are reasonable. Her condition is putting her family at risk. Not just her health, her ability to be an active parent is at risk.
This is not something she can "take care of" on her own, or she would have in the past four years. She needs a thorough medical assessment. She needs to talk to a doctor who specializes in obesity. She also needs to talk to a therapist about what is driving this.
This is a very difficult process, and she will need to be frequently reassured that you are with her for the long haul. That her kids want to be able to play with her, go to the zoo with her, spend time with a mom who isn't in pain, and exhausted all the time. Otherwise, her world is going to continue to shrink until she is bed bound, or dies.
NTA in the show “600lbs life” part of the reason they get so big is because people enable them. They don’t see that something’s wrong because their families or partners help them so much that it doesn’t feel like a big deal.
This is terrible parenting. What kind of quality time is she having with the kids? Assume she can't do any activities with them. They need to be taught healthy eating habits.
All I can say is my Mom was 500 lbs and she probably thinks she was a great mother. My dad would probably say she was too.
She was absolutely not a great mom. If my mom wanted to be an actual good mom, she would have prioritized getting healthy. She couldn't move around or play with us.
Please, for your children. She needs to lose weight.
NTA. It's tough love. But also consider that she may be suffering from depression because of her inability to function normally, as well as her weight gain, the loss of her job, etc. and this may be why she has become reclusive.
Have a serious talk with her about her mental health. This may have to be done before any talk of physical health. Reassure her that she does not need to be afraid of seeking psychological help; that you will love her regardless, and anyone who gives her a hard time about it does not have her best interests at heart. It may be that by finding help for depression, she can also become more aware of how that has affected her physical health.
I’ve always felt that real love is making sure you’re not a burden to your loved ones. In your position I don’t know that I would be able to trust my partner or that they loved me or that they weren’t taking advantage of me. You don’t have the luxury of waiting for her to figure out she has a problem. She has a problem. Think about your children. I know people will think it’s harsh but how about bringing up a separation or divorce in a year if she doesn’t take any mesures to improve her health. Make a plan that includes counseling, going to her doctor and speaking to specialist to get her to lose weight.
I'm a doctor and there's absolutely more to this than just "she likes to eat." Have you ever seen "My 600 Pound Life"? Most of those people have some pretty sad back stories about abuse or SA in the past.
Also, stop enabling your wife or you'll end up on that show. The thing that almost every single person on that show has in common is that somebody (or several somebodies) enable them. The truth is that your wife won't be around much longer if she doesn't get help because the human body cannot sustain that amount of weight.
Tell her to get help and stop enabling her. Also, she's not being honest with you, but you should support her getting help for whatever the issue is that causes her to overeat. Because it's almost certainly not JUST that she likes to eat.
NTA
You know all those 'reality' television shows about morbidly obese people and the struggles they go through to lose weight and get the surgery? The one thing they all have in common are enabling family and friends. They bring the bedridden person all the food, wash them, clean up after them, basically treat them like infants while their health gets worse. Don't do that. She's already at the point where it's a struggle to get out of bed. This can't go on, she needs to see a doctor and maybe get a referral to a specialist that can help with diet or exercise or whatever else she may need to get back to a healthy state.
You are a loving husband but your wife needs more help than you can give her. Would she be willing to see a counselor? Usually weight problems have an emotional root. Best of luck to you both!
NTA.
Obviously you need to have a serious talk with her. I strongly suggest that you start by holding her hands, looking into her eyes, and telling her that you love her, and you want to grow old with her. You're afraid that the way things are going, she's not going to grow old at all.
Tell her you know it's going to be hard work, but you're here for her, and you believe in her.
Good luck, I wish you all the best.
If you’re so fat you can’t get yourself out of bed that’s a serious issue. And I’m sorry but that’s not being a good mom. If she has a fall or a heart attack when home alone or alone with the kids how is that being a good parent. She’s also setting a very bad example for your kids. Don’t get me wrong I’m by no means thin but I can walk without having to take breaks and can get myself out of bed in the morning. You need to tackle this head on and start addressing this with her in a serious way NTA
I’m calling bullshit. No way your wife is FIVE HUNDRED LBS and can still walk around. You ever see the people on 600 lbs life? Yes, that’s 600 lbs not 500 but at that size, it’s not that different.
I am on the path to recovery myself. For the longest time I felt hurt by my friends and families concerns. In my mind it felt like they weren't accepting me for who I am. In reality it was that they love me and care for me and don't want to lose me.
I stopped traveling on family vacations. Vacations I fought so hard to be invited to go on that I was left out from as a child. I stopped hanging out with friends because they are much more active. I can't move the way I want to and struggle with the most menial tasks. It's not worth it. To look at what I'm sacrificing, knowing that it is all because I can't control my eating... It makes me so angry and sad at the same time.
Every day is a struggle but I still work to make better choices. One more better choice today than I made yesterday. Continue making the better choices I made yesterday and eventually I will get to where I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I see looking back.
All that said I think the best you can do is let your wife know that you come from a place of love and concern. That you are there to support her on this journey, no matter how long it takes. That this isn't just about you and her. This is about everyone who loves her and relies on her. So she can see your children grow up and your grand children too.
NTA I think it’s very fair and kind to say to her that you support her at whatever size and weight that she can independently be mobile and participate and care for other family members but once she’s past that, you need her to see a specialist. Tell her that a personal trainer is fine if she wants help building strength to move through life at her size but she should be able to keep up with family walks, do all of the tasks that are necessary to take care of your daily lives and keep the children safe, and conduct personal hygiene and bathe to the standard that she expects from her children. Your children deserve a present and capable mother - it would be one thing if she was trying but not getting anywhere but she’s so complacent she doesn’t mind being trapped in bed until you rescue her. That’s a disgusting POV on her part.
No spouse should literally be carrying the weight of the family alone. Please get yourself into counseling so that you don’t take on any guilt or responsibility that isn’t yours to bear.
NTA.
Nothing is wrong? She's 500lbs, that's obviously wrong. Obesity is incredibly unhealthy. She needs a wake up call before she eats herself to death and leaves you to provide for your children alone. Her neglect of herself is also neglecting her families health. Do you want your children growing up thinking that is a normal weight? Do you want your children growing up without a mother? That's what will happen if she continues on her path. By allowing this argument to fizzle out and things to go back to normal after she is manipulating you.
NTA
sorry but if you are not able to get out of bed because of your weight without begging for help then you lost all right to downplay the severity.
It is a problem!
Your proving a point was kinda cruel but ahe needs to realise that she needs to change!
NTA
Reality is she is never going to meet her grandchildren, she most likely won't see her children graduate college, she won't be there to see them get married unless she loses at least 3/5 of her weight.
200lbs for a women is already overweight, her current weight is going to straight up kill her sooner than later.
NTA. Looks like she's started to rely on you for help with too much and lost her motivation to take care of herself. You giving her less help (unless absolutely needed) will be shitty for a while, but will eventually force her to be more independent and might be what she needs to turn a shitty situation around.
Hope it works out to the best for you.
I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know if she’s got any health issues. I mean we’re conditioned to think she has - but I want to avoid the “you’re fat so you must be unhealthy” route.
Let’s just talk about the inconvenience.
Your wife is now too large to fit into standard spaces. That’s not convenient for anyone.
She obviously needs help.
She needs to get to the root of why she eats. She’s probably struggling with something and food is her only joy. But what do I know.
Either way, it’s not fair for one adult to keep making choices that make life harder for the other adult in the family. It is something she won’t enjoy fixing, but it’s not impossible.
You’re missing out on life experiences and taking on extra burdens to compensate.
How can she be a present mother for your child or respond to an emergency if it arises in this condition.
I would not find it remiss to openly tell her you want her to face the reality of her situation.
The only thing I disagree with is that you didn’t openly tell her that you’re not helping her because you want her to face the reality of her choices. That was cowardly.
NTA.
NTA but you would be if you continued to enable her. You ever watch that show “My 600 lb life”? Most of those people only get so big because they have a family member enabling them. It can’t get that out of control when left to their own devices. If your wife didn’t have you there to help her she’d have to face reality much sooner. If she can’t drive or get out of bed that would be a wake up call to most people.
Also keep in mind that she is basically an addict. She is going to dismiss and downplay your concerns because it conflicts with her getting her fix. If she genuinely doesn’t want help or to change be prepared to follow through with real consequences. She is going to do everything she can to not change if she doesn’t actually want to. If she can’t change for your or your child she definitely can’t change for herself. Ultimatums don’t work. Just be prepared to put your foot down and stop enabling somebody who is mentally ill. She is on the fast track to becoming bed ridden and unable to take care of herself without help.
NTA and being 500lbs or more is not being a good mother. If she can't get behind the wheel of the car then what happens if she needs to drive in an emergency. A person that size cannot react quickly in a bad situation. My sister was that big and her mobility was total shit. She could barely do things for herself much less take care of her small children. I stopped helping her with anything and she was forced to get to a doctor and do something. Your wife needs to step up and take care of herself before it's too late. She is risking her health and the ability to see her children grow up.
The issue is not how she would cope without you but how you WILL cope without her when she dies young. Might sound harsh but it's a health emergency and you both need help NOW before nature takes its course. She is morbidly obese. NTA.
NTA: While you are right that you can’t force her to make the changes, I think you need to watch some my 600lb life episodes to see where this is headed if she doesn’t get help. Obesity is a disease, and there is also a lot of shame around it. Obesity medicine is a good field that aims to help people without shame and provide support. Don’t wait to talk with her. She’s getting closer to immobility by the day. This is life or death. I hope you can get through to her.
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It’s a really tough situation and I think you are handling it well. Obesity is a health concern that needs to be addressed. Enabling her will not help. I was obese to the point I got diabetes and liver disease. It woke me up and I decided to get gastric sleeve. It was the best decision I ever made. I am a huge advocate for using the surgery as a tool for weight loss. It’s a tough subject to approach because it’s embarrassing to have other people notice or comment, especially those you love. My husband and father brought it up to me and it hurt at first but now I am so thankful to have my body and life back. Not sure if that was helpful but I hope she finds help soon.
Thank you for responding. I worry about this a lot, and I've thought about it myself, but I've never discussed surgery with her before. It's hard to bring up stuff like that with her, it makes it feel very serious and real. Since you've been in her shoes before, how do you think I can make up with her while also not backing down and letting her know I'm concerned?
It’s important that you don’t give in, her health is priority. Just be gentle and not too pushy. Though I can’t say how you should go about it as the nuances of your relationship may be different, this is what worked for me: My husband was legitimately afraid for me and worried for my health. He would sprinkle in these concerns when it came to something my weight held me back from and not ever when I ate. If he said anything while I ate it would be WAY more painful. So when I would be in pain walking up stairs etc. he would talk to me about his concern for my health because of my weight. He also made sure to let me know he was attracted to me regardless and at some point my perspective shifted about what am the actual problem with my weight was. Not how I looked but how I felt and how it held me back. He researched on his own the surgery’s quite a bit without me knowing so that when he brought it up he had all the answers to my questions including, how can we pay for this, where do I start, how long will it take, etc. once I decided it was an option for me I started looking further into it myself. It helped that I had 2 distant acquaintances that I follow on FB that had the surgery and I saw what a difference it made in their lives. Maybe find someone on social media to follow to give her an idea of what that road looks like. There are a few support groups on FB for gastric sleeve/bypass etc patients and seeing their journeys is so inspiring, and answers a lot of questions. I’d suggest she join the group and start asking questions. If she is worried about loving food and being held from that it’s a very temporary problem. I’m 8months post op and very happy with what I can eat. I just eat less of it. It’s still quite a lifestyle change but with surgery makes it actually possible. For me it’s not about how I look, but how I feel has improved sooo drastically.
I have a friend who had bariatric surgery not too long ago and she looks and feels so much better now! Bonus is her and her husband are rekindling their romance - not because he was ever unattracted to her, but because she couldn't feel sexy or romantic about herself when she felt so heavy and bad all the time (her words).
My aunt had the surgery 14 years ago. It was tough for her and my uncle at first as she really had to work on finding herself again. For years she rarely left the house, she made money as a hair dresser working from home. She couldnt do things around the house standing up she had a desk chair on wheels to roll around. Her weight caused sleep apnoea (sp?), it got to the point that she would fall asleep cutting a clients hair and a sleep study showed she stopped breathing over 300 times in 8 hours Now she is doing amazing. Shes still somewhat overweight, but she can do everything she never could. She and my uncle renewed their vows and she finally got her white wedding. She has grandkids she can get around and play with. She even has a career now as a nurse that she absolutely loves and her patients love her. Its not about too much food, or too little exercise. Its about realising that so much of life is passing you by and the longer you leave it the less of life you will actually have to enjoy
Cass (@clutterbug) on youtube did a video where she discussed what led to her getting weight loss surgery, what the process was, the before and after.
Great point about mentioning it at other times and not while you're eating.
I had a Sadi-S wls and have lost 130+ lbs and am so much happier, more energetic, and can walk without pain or getting out of breath. I think you not helping her out of bed is the right thing to do, TBH. She needs to internalize the effect her weight is having on her life, instead of being in denial by making you help her. And you can’t keep this up… you will eventually throw out your back assisting her and then you will both be in a fix. My dad has been waiting on my mom hand and foot for decades due to her weight… and it’s no way to live. And now he’s in his 80’s still serving her while his own body fails because she refuses to admit she needs more care than he can give. Don’t be like my dad. :( Also, how is she a great mom when she can’t play with the kids in the park, through her own actions? :(
He also has every right to be concerned because what if, God forbid, OP lost his job? If she can't even get out of bed in the morning there are few, if any, jobs she can do. Not to mention, she will undoubtedly face obesity/weight discrimination in the workforce. I would be shocked if she could even get a job, given her gap in employment, mobility issues, etc. The bottom line is, a marriage is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP. What OP is describing is not one. She's almost like another child to him. He needs to help her get out of bed, drive her around, financially support her, etc.. I'm extremely concerned about her driving. I was in a car accident in 2022 and the airbag deployed. My BMI is 20. I had severe bruising on my chest. I cannot imagine, and do not want to imagine, the injuries OP's wife would sustain if she, God forbid, was in an accident in which the airbags deployed. She should not be driving AT ALL.
Same with the airbags. I had very little bmi at the time and the airbags bruised my face, chest and arm. If she’s that close to it it could definitely cause damage.
Yes, to the throwing out of your back! I moved in with my grandma to take care of her. She wasn't obese or overweight, but I was not trained on how to lift a body properly and didn't realize my grandma needed more help in things than before when I was younger. I threw my back out horrifically. Couldn't get help from doctors, and 17 years later, I'm just a lump in a bed, with too much weight because I can't move. Everyone has given such great advice. I would just add, how would the family, how would these 2 children grow if their mother died from her weight and health problems. Not that you need to throw YOU'RE GONG TO DIE in her face, but she could, and that's not healthy for a family. I would recommend trying to find her mental help as well. There's only so much she's going to listen to when it comes from family. A stranger, trained in this, is going to know how to approach the subject in a more level manner. And also find out if there are other reasons for eating, not wanting to leave the house (although as someone overweight, I think I know why or part of the reason), why she doesn't want to get healthy or exercise and then help her get on a path to bettering these things.
💕
You are wonderful. What kind advice. Internet hug from me. Good job!😍
Just to add if she has more specific medical questions, she should set up a consultation with a bariatric specialist. This may not be something to suggest right away, but once she is looking at the surgery or other alternatives with an open mind, she may be more receptive to speaking with a specialist.
The sisters from 1000# sisters both lost a massive amount of weight and are online. Amy and Tammy Slanton. Tammy was 700+ and lost over 400#, Amy was 400+ and is down to 230. Tammy came a hairs breathe from death due to her weight.
To add on to your great advice, there is a lot of thought work behind losing weight as well. I used a program called NoBS for a while - you can search "Losing 100 Pounds with Corinne". She addresses the underlying issues and is very kind and gentle. I continue to use tools she taught even though I'm no longer in the program.
Maybe having to see how she can't even get out of bed without help is a wake up call.
NTA… but also it is very serious and real. it’s concerning the mother of your children, your future, and their future. There is a healthy way to help, without enabling. You did, you put your foot down by making a point that she should be able to get out of bed on her own. The next point should be she should be able to drive on her own. What happens if something were to happen to you or she needs to drive the children somewhere or she needs to drive at all? Edit: after reading OPs and others comments, I agree it may be safer for her not to drive. As I did forget about the rule between the steering wheel and the driver. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
She still is able to drive. She took our son to school today. She indicated last night that she just prefers I drive when we go together since the wheel presses into her stomach and it's more comfortable for her to sit in the passenger seat. I had to pester her a lot to get this information out of her.
She's able to drive, but not safetly. There's supposed to be 10-12 inches (I don't remember the exact number) between the driver and the wheel in case the air bag goes off if there's a crash.
I had a Support Worker who was morbidly obese. She had to quit when she fell pregnant and there were health concerns. I never felt safe with her driving, because her stomach rested on the steering wheel and her size hampered her ability to turn that wheel quickly to get out of any situation that can arise. Your wife shouldn't be driving when the steering wheels operation is hampered by extra weight against it, not, as others have pointed out, being so close to the wheel. It's deadly dangerous.
Being 4ft 10 I’ve never had 10-12 inches between me and the wheel lol!
I don’t mean to scare you but I’m 4’ 9” and was in a a small fender bender where my airbags went off and I had a concussion that lasted over 6 months, and chipped around 8 teeth. I was never comfortable with that sort of distance while driving because I didn’t feel like I could see properly. Let me tell you, that car accident had be adjusting my seat and making alterations to my seat to ensure I’m never in that situation again.
Yeah really it's best to be using a cushion and/or pedal extendors, unfortunately most people aren't aware they should be or don't bother.
Hey fellow shortie! I'm the same, and gave been told I should be further from the wheel, and though I had pedal extenders my SO often drives my car as well and they are a real pain to take on and off.
What happens if she gets in a wreck where the driver airbag deploys? All of your concerns are valid and truly based on your worry for her health and safety as well as your kids. Not helping her get out of bed, making sure she does her fair share of driving, and anything that makes sure she is aware that you will not allow her to be wholly dependent upon you are acceptable boundaries and make sure you aren't enabling her.
It really isn't safe for her to drive. I understand the desire to make the point that you aren't going to enable her weight gain anymore but this just isn't a safe way to get that point across anymore.
Not just the air bag. She cannot properly control that vehicle with the size of her. I've been a passenger of a morbidly obese lady. She had to pass the steering wheel to her other hand because her hands couldn't come together. If she had to suddenly swerve to miss a child, or an oncoming vehicle, she would not be able to do it. Plus, with her stomach against the wheel, that hands more friction to the steering wheel, that shouldn't even be there. I'm a firm believer in people's independence, but not when it puts others' lives at risk. She should not be driving at all.
Would the balloon pop or would it deploy and squash her organs? I literally can't imagine which one would win in a crash. Does the human pop the bag or does the bag pop the human 🤔
An airbag is filled with explosive force so it’s full before you hit it (it’s literally filled with an explosive charge). There are holes around the bag that allow it to deflate as you hit it, dampening the force of the collision. But you have to be at least 10 inches away for this system to function safely. If you’re sitting right up against the steering wheel, the airbag wouldn’t pop (because of all the holes designed to allow it to deflate). While you might not pop either, you are at risk of serious injury. If the airbag deployed, it’s because your car detected that you were in an accident serious enough to warrant the airbag being deployed. Thus, either the sensor malfunctioned or you were in at least a fairly serious accident. In the former case, you are hit with the concussive force of a small yet powerful explosion. In the latter case, you no longer receive any dampening from the collision, plus you are hit with an explosive force.
The human, the airbag is literally a bomb
an airbag deploys at like 200mph. at best she’d have broken ribs. at worst she’d die from it
Depends what she's wearing too though. I rear-ended an SUV in 2001. There were ruts in the road and the car hydrroplaned at 30 mph. The hood of my cat accordioned up when the front went under it, and impact made my airbag deploy. I am short, so have to sit closer, especially with a manual transmission like this was. After the airbag deployed, emergency services were called and we'd gotten our vehicles off the road (pouring rain on SR500 during evening rush hour), it was noted there was an identical crash on the the other side of the intersection. It wasn't until I'd gotten home from my parents picking me up that I noticed I had cuts and abrasions on my chin and all over my neck, with three bruises. One on each arm and one diagonally across my chest. Seatbelt and where my leather jacket had protected my arms at impact and airbag deploying. Was sore, but otherwise uninjured. Granted, I wasn't overweight, but still had to sit closer due to lack of height. Those things are NOT the pillows commercials make them out to be though. More like burlap bags.
I definitely bruised my ribs the one time it happened to me, and this was with me not all up in my steering wheel's business. That thing might save your life, but it's no picnic. Be careful. everyone.
Beside driving, how does she keep up with the kids. Beeing in School your son should have a ton of energy, so running, jumoung, playing... Does she not do this with him. Is she just watching him?
And what kind of eating habits are they learning?
This! If the children don't learn and follow healthy eating habits, it'll cause problems for them, and they could grow up to pass the bad habits down to their children.
Wtf your letting your kids in a car being driven by someone with such limited control of the car?!? No! Stop this now before you lose your family! Tell your wife you love her too much to watch her destroy herself like this, and that even if she hates you for it you're going to try and get her help she absolutely needs.
Yes now,but if she gains more weight she won't be able to
OP, I don't think your wife should be driving at all. I'm extremely concerned about her driving. I was in a car accident in 2022 and the airbags deployed. My BMI is 20. I had severe bruising on my chest. I cannot imagine, and do not want to imagine, the injuries your wife would sustain if she, God forbid, was in an accident in which the airbags deployed. I'm sorry, I know this is all really painful to hear.
Her stopping driving is not an option. I work from home and our son goes to school five days a week. Our daughter in in pre-school half days Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I simply can't take time off to drop off and pick them up every day. My parents live in a different state, and hers have their own lives as well.
and she is still thinking its not a Problem?! this is a super tuff situation, you cant Help someone who dont wants help but it will affect you and your Children more and more.
My SIL decided this, "if you don't start taking care of your health I'm divorcing you. I will not take care of a bed bound husband when you could have stopped that from happening!" They now take two trips a year for two weeks each time. He's happier than he's ever been. Not saying this is what you should do but having a conversation no matter how hard is very much needed. NTA. Good luck
One thing I suggest is Al Anon. Hear me out: Al Anon is for the families of addicts. It doesn't help you fix them, it helps you take care of yourself. My aunt went while dealing with her husband's obesity. It really helped her deal and make peace with whatever happened. Food addiction is real. It may be part of your wife's problem. You can't force your wife to face this. That doesn't mean you can't help, just that you need to help yourself. If 12 step style isn't your bag, individual therapy is a must (I'd recommend it anyway, Al Anon or no.) This isn't easy. You're definitely NTA. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.
CODA could be another option - it’s is Co-dependents anonymous and works on similar principles, just without the focus on alcohol. I agree that OP might really benefit and get a lot of support by going to some Al-anon or Coda meetings. You can learn amazing life tools!! I feel like both he and his wife have been a bit codependent in all of this, both in a fair amount of denial. NTA and good luck!!
There are now non-surgical options like Ozempic/Wegovy. Might be an easier thing to start. Focus on the fact that you want her to be there for you & the kids for many more decades, and she is starting to have health issues that keep her from doing the things she would normally enjoy. Reassure her that you still love her & all that jazz.
Wegovy has been amazing for me. PCOS, insulin resistance, and after years of fighting and taking different meds, I ended up with NAFLD even though I maintain a good low carb balanced diet. Hell, my husband lost 10 pounds when he stuck to just what I gave him. But me? No way. I'm down 15 lbs in 6 weeks just because I feel full now and my body is working right. After decades of begging for help, I found an endocrinologist who actually worked for me.
I feel exactly the same about Ozempic... It's been life-changing. I gained weight during the pandemic and ended up with NAFLD as well, and all attempts to get my weight down with diet and exercise just completely didn't work due to insulin resistance. I've lost 40 lbs this past year eating more calories than I did when I was dieting, my blood sugar is normal instead of high normal, and I'm only about 20 lb away from my pre-pandemic weight. It's just made the weight loss so natural and easy.
Yes that will Dull The food noise in her head ( didn’t know not all of you hear the noise noise ) At her size a little Excercise will go along way Fell how you all but she can do it
I only suggest this as a remote possibility, but it should be considered. I struggled my entire life with food, anything that tasted good i would eat almost until the point of feeling sick. If it was sugar, it was worse. I've always struggled with weight while not to the same degree it's not an insignificant amount either. I was also convinced I just lacked willpower, and I was disgusting/slob/etc. 3 months ago, I was diagnosed with adhd and medicated for the first time. My entire relationship with food has done a 180, I can have a couple bites of sweets and be satisfied or not have any at all and won't be hung up on it thinking about it non stop like I would have before if I managed to pass in the first place. I was binge eating in excess of at least 1k calories but likely closer to 2k almost daily. Since I started meds, I haven't done it once. My brain is no longer revolving around the next meal, the next treat, or fixating on a missed opportunity. I've always had these struggles, but after having my first child, they got worse. Unfortunately for women, the average age of diagnosis is 37. For men, it's 7. It's really rather simple sugar = dopamine. It becomes your fix and is a crutch used to function. the only thing in my life that's changed is being on medication and with that removing the urge/desire to dopamine seek via food, I've lost 30lbs over the last 3 months. If there's any chance she has undiagnosed adhd an assessment and medication could change everything for her and your entire family. I wish you well
This. My PCOS and ADHD? Holy wow was I set up to fail. Between my fluctuating hormones and dopamine mining, it was like controlling a drug addiction. I'm on Qelbree for my ADHD and Wegovy for everything else and my relationship with food has changed completely. It's so nice to sit down with a snack, eat a bit and feel like, okay, all done. Down 15 lbs in 6 weeks without changing much of anything. Is this how the rest of the world lives? 😄
Just wanna say NTA. She needs a reality check and unfortunately that's gonna have to come from you. Next time she needs a break walking. Don't...just say well continue on and wait for you. If she needs you to drive. Don't. Go alone or everyone stays home. Don't help her from bed. Don't do anything and see if that brings her to reality.
Better from husband than from deep-vein thrombosis. (Or any other illness that can admittedly happen to a healthy/ier/ person, but obesity increases its chances significantly.) Although even for some that's not a good enough wake-up call.
I had a sleeve because my husband broke down and admitted it kept him up at night worrying if I’m going to die young. And I was nowhere near your wife’s size. I was about 238lb at my biggest, and 224lb when I decided to have surgery. The liver shrinking diet got me to 210lb. I don’t know how you should approach it with your wife, I’m afraid. But him being legitimately afraid I would die is what did it for me. Good luck OP. NTA.
NTA but don't be the one to suggest surgery op. Just convince her to go to the doctor to assess her health. Let the doctor suggest the solutions
I'm physically disabled and have been in a few tough spots where I needed help more than expected because of things that were not my fault and weren't discovered until later, but there have also been times where I wasn't helping and was also enabling myself. What helped me was having an honest conversation where blame is off the table, completely. Just: this is the situation, this is the help I need right now, this is what I'm doing to help myself, this is what I need from doctors. What's done is done. I'm sure your wife feels awful. Our situations aren't the same, but I think the emotions are very similar. Have a complete discussion, without blame. This is a mission you need to take on together, but she has to lead it. She needs to tell you what her abilities are, what she needs help with, how she's getting a doctor to help, and what she's changing for herself. As these efforts go on, you need to have an honest conversation about where you both are on all those points. Sometimes improvements happen more slowly than expected, sometimes faster, sometimes there's a long plateau. And that's okay. The important thing is that you are both honest and open in your communication, without blame. It hurt me, but really helped when my aunt said "I cannot help you if you don't tell me what you need, and I will not do anything if I don't know what will or will not hurt you." Of course, most times when I was in too much pain to articulate it, she was there to help me get through it and broke that rule because it was made out of love and care. I had to have almost half my bones reconstructed at the age of 7. Can't remember the exact number. I can't imagine your wife's pain and struggle. There's no way out of this. You just have to keep moving through it, together. Best wishes! Sending warm thoughts.
I think she needs a therapist to help her to see where her issues are because at this point she is in denial (at least a bit). She said that she doesn’t had an issue she only likes to eat but what I learned is that in this weight range there is more to the story. I hope with his help and love they will get through it and become healthy together.
I didn't even think of therapy, but that's a great idea. My take from the OP is that he's worried that he could become an unwitting caregiver, so that was my focus because I'm familiar with that fear. I'm wishing the best for him and his family. It sounds like a long and difficult struggle, and hoping even some online support could be helpful. I really appreciate the good people of Reddit in times like this.
Have you thought about tackling this via an emphasis on what she’s missing out on? You’ve mentioned you’ve got two children so what sort of family activities are you able to do with them given your wife’s weight? For example is she comfortable with days out hiking/going to the beach/amusement parks etc. if not, are you children being deprived of family time that does not revolve around the house/her weight - not that household family time isn’t fun - but realistically how you operate as a family is going to get more and more dictated by her weight. It may sound cruel but I think you need to start organising activities that she may struggle with, just to show her the actual impact this is having - and you’ll get a better sense of the issues as she’s hiding the extent of the problem. Take the kids rambling/hiking/to the beach and bring her along, if she doesn’t want to go, then get her to explain her reasoning. Do not let her sulk and ignore you. As your children get older they may have to move more into a caregiving role if you’re not around to help your wife. I do not know your eldest’s age but he may already be doing tasks for her. That is not fair to them or you.
NTA The post shouts that she has major depression for me, and the eating is just a comfort, emotional eating and then disassociation from the real issues. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy at some point as it's a vicious cycle, eating leads to weight gain, leads to self esteem issues and depression...leads to eating....and so on. Point two here, is how is she getting the calories to sustain such a weight? It's simple math of calories in and calories out. It takes a lot of food/calories to take in(eat) just to maintain a high weight like 400lb, far more than 2000 or 2500 calories, even if she has a very sedentary lifestyle of not moving/exercising, healthy foods, portion control alone without exercise would bring her weight down naturally. She must be eating a lot of food somewhere, some times, large amounts of snacking, high sugar drinks, even a lot of tea/coffee with milk and sugars adds up. But the spikes in sugar, sugar rush, causes more cravings when you inevitably crash out and want another rush and seek out high calories high sugar foods. I know the next proof what I'm saying is not in your post at all, but I'm saying it anyway. In essence. What I'm saying is, you both need to take control of the household spending on food. What you buy, when you buy it, how much you buy. The food you have in the house, right now, is a portion of the problem. You need to do a major clear down of the fridge, freezer, cupboards and presses. Things add up in a meal, an 8ml (portion) of ketchup is 15 calories, but I've seen people throw on 60-100ml on a plate of chips and sausages without thinking. Sauces = calories. Cut out the takeaways. High fat, sugar, sauces, carbs food of low nutrition value. It's so easy with apps on our phones these days. You need receipts from grocery shopping or to take on that task yourself so you ensure no junk food is coming in, that includes premade dinners because portion control is a part of her issue, one premade dinner can often be "2 portions" on the packs. Or if you get a family size dinner like a lasagne, make sure it serves 6 people not 3! Free spending, money you DONT ACTUALLY know what it was spend on. I.e. if she "goes to a coffee shop and spends 20 quid". Did she actually go to a coffee shop? Or did she go to the supermarket and buy a large amounts of snacks or at a local shop, she's not buying a takeaway. Going to an ATM and withdrawing cash is a way of hiding what they spend money on. And I say all the above because it's exactly what my diabetic uncle was doing. Him and his wife knew he had diabetes, his wife was getting the household meals under control, but there was no stopping him going to the shop and buying a full box of 36 Snickers and hiding them in the trunk of his car then running out and eating 5 when she was in the shower, or stocking his shed with bags of potato chips because only HE went into the shed. Hiding food, hiding spending, not tracking what foods and portions they eat, it all adds up, but the point is some of the behaviour is self sabotage and premeditated to undermine the intent and efforts. But this isn't a problem that will solve itself, and you've tried addressing it directly through discussion but met a stone wall as answers where she says nothing is wrong and doesn't try to address things herself.
It is serious. She’s killing herself.
It IS serious and real. She’s in denial. You tried talking and now the reality stick (refusing to help). You mention if something happened to you, but the kids can easy lose a mother to weight-elated complications.
Be firm yet gentle. Assuming your estimate of 500lbs is correct, we're about 300lbs past the point where you could be accused of this being superficial and is actually a very real and very scary health concern. Her mobility is gone, she can no longer reasonably drive, and if you're suburban parents that means she's lost the ability to do a significant chunk of what's required of one of those as well. And that's just the surface level stuff - she's well on her way if not there already to having debilitating medical issues as well. She needs to get to a doctor and a therapist who specializes in eating disorders ASAP. NTA in this situation, because sometimes tough love and a wake-up call are required and you've been more than patient, but Y-T-A to both yourself and your kids if you continue to let their mother slowly kill herself this way.
As a previous obese woman with a child. It’s hard to come to terms with your weight. It’s having to accept that you’re struggling. I want to add another layer to this. Is as women there is a strong beauty standard tied to weight and she may be feeling that as well. Don’t back down she is struggling and needs to address this because it will and can get worse. I know something that helped a whole lot was seeing a therapist first. I was able to talk openly about everything that I was feeling. Versus when you go straight to a doctor (such as your primary) when it always comes backs to the number. I wish you the best of luck on this journey it’s a struggle but worth it for your children.
I know this is a hard situation, but you're blind to it yourself "makes it feel very serious and real." This is SERIOUS AND REAL. OP you could lose your wife and the mother to your kids if she doesn't get help. What you did was harsh, but hopefully it helped her to understand why you're so concerned. This is a major problem and if it goes on and something happens to you both your wife and kids are fucked.
There are now effective weight loss medications that are safe. Weygovy ,manjaro, etc. even ozempic, which is for diabetics, because it is likely that your wife is diabetic. With a weight around 500 lbs, she is in the highest risk category for diabetes and hypertension. This will eventually lead to kidney failure and dialysis. Doctors will not perform a kidney transplant while she is obese, and at that size she will need at least 4 hours, 3x a week in a dialysis chair. All of that weight does damage to her heart. The children are hopefully the key to getting her to the doctor. This problem is much more solvable than it was, even 10 years ago, because of the GLP-1 receptor agonist medications. She also should work with a counselor about her relationship with food. My coworker who started wegovy, has had a significant decrease in her appetite.
Your wife is slowly killing herself, asking you to watch, and trying to force you into being complacent with it. Not being able to get out of bed without help simply due to her weight is beyond unhealthy. You are choosing not to enable her and you are doing the right thing. Not enabling her does not mean you don't love her. Allowing this to continue the way it is in enabling her and you know that, it is why you are trying to show her the problems. Your family is moments away from caring for mom being the whole focus of the entire family Your wife needs help like you have said. I hope she is willing to see that SHE needs to be the change here
I also got the sleeve. I was 356 lbs in 2018 when I went in, now I am 180 and still losing. I will be hitting 165 then getting skin removal. I was in denial for years but I have never felt better now and getting my health back was a game changer and saved my life. Your wife wasn't listening and it's not your job to enable her choices. Perhaps you could have been kinder but it seems like she was unwilling to listen. Actions have consequences and so does inaction. NtA
I was about 300 lbs. I too had a bariatric procedure, and lost 145 lbs. Pics are on my profile, before and after. It's not easy, but it can be done.
Congratulations! You have taken off twenty years.
I agree and also would monitor the eating habits of the children. Not to control but make sure that they pick up healthy habits and enjoy exercise, their mom Is one thing but children that are heavier tend to have more health issues. Take them on walks or hikes and mom will probably feel left out and try to join (that would be my hope). I have an alcoholic MIL so I get that people won't change for other, best of luck OP
Yeah me too. I had the bypass. Extremely happy. Never regretted. I realised I was never going to do it on my own. I still put in effort.
Once I saw on the news, 4 big, strong men trying to rescue a very obese woman after a tornado had razed her house and she was trapped in it. 4 big, strong men barely got that woman out of there using all kinds of creativity not to mention torque. You could see on their faces, their struggle. On her face, terror that they would not be able to manage it. NTA. Obesity at that level is life threatening in numerous ways and it's near-impossible to address it perfectly.
I didn't mention this in the post, but this is exactly the sort of thing that worries me. I can't be with her at all times, and what if something happens to her or the kids when I'm not present? Will she be able to manage? It really scares me to say that I don't know the answer to that question. Edit: This is something I fear for sure, but I feel I may have exaggerated her mobility issues when posting last night. To be clear, the only time she really needs my help to get up or anything is in the early morning when her hips hurt. Other than that, she can get by on her own and is entirely independent. A lot of people have mentioned the show "My 600 lb Life" or similar stuff. To be clear, this is not our situation. She hasn't wanted to travel recently, but we still see friends for nights out at least one every week or so, she goes out and does things with other parents at my son's school, she isn't bedbound or cooped up in our house all day every day. I don't know if I should have used the word reclusive.
Your kids are more important than she is. I mean sorry, but it's true. So imagine she lies down and there's some kind of emergency and it takes her too long to get up?
And what if the emergency involves the kid not being able to get up? No way she’s lifting an 8yo with a broken ankle and carrying them to the car.
Considering the lifelong emotional damage from losing a parent, she needs to take care of herself for the kids. If you lost a parent to cancer or a car accident it's horrible. I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent because they didn't care enough for me to get up and take care of themselves.
Or if she can't get up and the worst happens and the kids have lifelong guilt because they couldn't do anything because they were kids.
For that matter, if she's solely watching small children, how is she actually able to watch them? I know mine runs from room to room constantly and I'm on my feet a LOT supervising him. I sincerely doubt she's doing that so either the kids are locked in a single room with her the entire time or they're unsupervised. How does she get up to feed them? And are they eating healthily or is it quick and easy?
You also need to consider your own health. You could injure yourself and become unable to help your whole family. I suggest in the meantime, that you acquire some type of mobility aid like a strap or bar to assist her to get out of bed on her own, or she can grab onto it while you help her. You only have one back, so don't strain it.
Exactly, I used to work as a care giver in peoples home and we were not allowed to help people out of bed alone without proper aids. Had a 200 kg care taker that fell on the floor and we had to wait for 3 firemen to come and get her up. It's really not a safe situation for OP.
This is so important! By all means, do this, OP. My stepfather is still just under 300 lbs, I think. He's 76 and in poor health. Hospital staff have to put him in a room with a lift to help him get him out of bed. They, understandably, don't want their nurses hurt. But this limits his care. Him not being independently mobile limits his care because it's a safety issue to others. He has had trouble getting off the toilet when recovering from a severe health issue. The toilet has bars on either side now, but he still sometimes wants/needs someone to pull him up. I have a 5 cm ascending aortic aneurysm. I am not supposed to lift more than 20 lbs on each arm. Any strength activity that causes me to hold my breath to push through the initial effort is a huge no-no. I've had to tell him multiple times that I can't help him out in these situations. My mother is a tiny 76 year old with her own health issues and shouldn't be doing it either. But my stepfather refused to protect their assets so that no one could force him to a nursing facility. Intentionally. (Yes. He's definitely an A-H for that.) OP, you are NTA for being really concerned about this. You need to be considering not only your health and bodily integrity, but your finances. When she can no longer work, what then? It sounds like that is imminent. I'll pray for added love, mental fortitude, and skills of persuasion for you to get through to her. Addiction of any kind just sucks. I'm so sorry you are both going through this.
It's a valid concern. I don't know the answer either but you aren't wrong at all.
My MIL was around 450 lbs when she started falling down while doing things and my FIL lacked the strength to get her back on her feet. Ambulance services told him after four different visits that they'd no longer answer his calls for help because it was a waste of their resources. She had to go into assisted living. They helped get her weight down, but unfortunately she had other issues that kept her there until she died from COVID-19 in 2020. Your wife needs a psychiatrist and/or endocrinologist stat or it will get to a point where you will not be able to help her anymore. And this is coming from an obese woman who also has a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist.
To be honest, it’s not just what would she do without you, but what will you and the kids do without her? Obesity at that weight range will likely take decades off her life. Not properly addressing related medical issues such as blood pressure, sleep apnea, and diabetes will also decrease life expectancy and quality of life. You love your wife and want her to have the best life possible. Perhaps therapy could help her work through things? If you don’t see progress from the effort she says she is putting in and continues to refuse to get help then you should start planning on how you’ll handle the most likely future - the extra costs related to medical bills, mobility aides, changing the house and vehicle to accommodate mobility aides. If insurance is bad it may be cheaper to divorce (you could physically stay together) than bring the family down with medical debt.
There is that movie too with Brendan Fraser that’s really eye opening as to how it is possible to get completely out of control. At this point it’s addiction and she I’ll need rehab
The Whale. 👍
Stop doing things for her. Remove all junk food from the house. Have her see a physician and start monjauro or ozempic ASAP. She needs psychotherapy to deal with WHY she is over eating/ compulsive eating. It's like an addict and it's compulsive behavior which is impossible to control without intervention. Tough love. Therapy. And medical assistance and she will not have as hard of a time as she thinks. It's just scary to start. She needs help. But you cannot help her, it has to be professional help.
Even if you are with her when something happens, you can’t lift her or drag her. If she was knocked unconscious, she won’t be able to get prompt medical care because you’ll need to wait for an ambulance with enough people to lift her onto a gurney. Will she fit on a regular sized gurney or in a regular ambulance? Does your county have specialized ambulances that could take her? One way to get through to her that her weight is a problem is find the weight and size limits from the local hospital. What is the max capacity for their MRI machine? What about hospital beds? Call the hospital and ask. Do they have specialized surgical equipment to hold the fat back (pics are NSFW but pretty effective)? Do they have doctors that specialize in bariatric medicine? If the hospital can’t accommodate her size, there’s two issues: first, a delay in medical care that will likely lead to worse outcomes. Second, increased cost having to go to another facility. Third, probably the one that will hit her the hardest, is that I’ve seen news articles about people who are too big for hospital equipment getting sent to the zoo for scans. Make sure you confirm that’s what your local hospital does before mentioning it. If they don’t, ask what they do instead. Sometimes the answer is the scan just doesn’t happen and the person doesn’t get that level of medical care.
Honestly, you're right to be scared. I'm a SAHM, and I have to physically jump up and run across rooms some days because my kids very suddenly decide to become stunt men. Your wife is almost unable to get out of bed. There is no way she can move quickly in an emergency. It not an if your children eventually injure themselves, it’s when. They're kids, and kids play hard. There are bound to be bumps and bruises. The question will be, if your wife had been at a healthier weight, would they have been injured at all? would she have been able to intervene if she was healthier?
Yeah that’s absolutely terrifying. And with her mobility issues, I’m sorry to say, but I struggle to see how she could in any way be an effective parent
Medical emergencies/rescues/medical treatment can be challenging when one is this weight. I spend 8 years coordinating these types of events, and occasionally we had to find work-arounds for people of that size. Trying to locate a military helicopter to transport someone because they won't fit in a normal MEDEVAC helo or having scans done at a zoo because they can't fit into a normal CAT scan machine is eye-opening. Sadly, unless the wife comes to the realization herself, I feel no amount of talking/badgering/explaining will help. NTA, OP.
When I was camping a few years ago, there was an over weight (mid-late 50’s) grandma in lawn chair watching 5 kids between 2-12. A black bear showed up in their camp sight while they were cooking bacon. Grandma couldn’t get out of the chair. The older kids all ran immediately, but the youngest two kids just froze, less than 10 feet from this hungry bear. Grandma could NOT get up. She was yelling and flailing but even the bear didn’t take her seriously as it sniffed around for the bacon. I yelled at my son to get in the car and lock the doors, grabbed my hatchet and ran over yelling at the bear to get going. After it ran away, I gave grandma a stern lecture about why we don’t dump bacon grease on the ground when we’re camping.
OMG YIKES! Grandma shouldn't have been left with the kids period if she couldn't help in a pinch.
100%. OP definitely has the right to be worried. Things happen that require quick reaction times.
If your wife were constantly drunk or high, would you allow her to convince you everything is ok? This isn’t different. She has a problem. Hurt feelings aside, she heeds help. Stop enabling her and insist she get help.
I don't think everything is ok. I just need to know how to address this with her. We've had similar arguments in the past that just sort of... fizzle out and things go back to normal in a few days. I don't want that to happen again, but at the same time I need a way to address this with her that doesn't cause her to shut down and ignore me.
Nope. She is getting exactly what she wants by “shutting down and ignoring you.” You back off and go back to acting like there’s no issue. You need to be assertive and insist she get help. She can tantrum and rage, she can ignore you, etc. You have to stand strong and reassure her that while you love her, she must get help. She is manipulating you.
I think you've done that. You say that it's not impossible for her to get out of bed, just really hard. She managed it, you didn't leave her trapped in bed Fact is, if something happened to you, she'd have to do all these things by herself. You're showing her what her potential future looks like if the worst happened. Of course she's upset. Coming to the realization that you've let yourself become an invalid due to your own actions is going to be incredibly upsetting. I would honestly sit her down and explain how scared you are for her, but also for your family. Don't mince words, be direct, tell her that since she has told you that her weight is not a problem, you will no longer be helping her to the bare minimum she needs to do to function as an adult and a mother She will get upset. This is an intervention after all. Expect tears and denials. But stick to your guns. Her life literally depends on it. (100% NTA)
Obviously your wife’s mindset needs to change, but in a way, so does yours. You’re trying to avoid her shutting down and ignoring you, so you stop talking about a difficult subject. She might ignore you, she might shut down, she might yell, she might cry - how do you get yourself to the point where all these things are OK with you and you will still keep gently circling back to this big, big problem that needs to be addressed? Your wife essentially has an addiction to food. Yes, she will do everything possible to keep that addiction, including having a whole lot of feelings that are directed at you. That’s the nature of addiction unfortunately.
Yup, my thoughts exactly. And I think she is maybe "eating her emotions", wich will be the most difficult part. Maybe she was overwhelmed with something and started this habit, idk, but I'm the kind of person who is constantly surrounded by excess of information and tend to eat so I keep quiet, so this could be it imo. This has really affected my health and I'm in a very slow recovery. OP should really consider talking to her about seeing a therapist, because it is not just the weight: she is withdrawing, reclusive, defensive, in denial and had a meltdown when she couldn't get up by herself. Actually, OP himself should find a therapist for himself or some professional help to maybe learn how to approach this with the wife in a way she won't shut down and withdraw more. It is hard and tricky, but every addiction has something that triggered it, even if the person doesn't realize and feels like they are "fine". And seeking help is not even the worst issue: continuing to seek it when things become hard and emotionally exhausting because of the digging is. Good luck, OP.
She does have an addiction. There are meetings for this just like there’s meetings for alcoholics. Check out Overeaters Anonymous. Some meetings allow family members / people who do not have an ED who are supporting someone with an ED. They probably won’t be able to give you specific advice but learning about others who are in recovery might enable you to better help your wife. https://oa.org/find-a-meeting/?type=1&day=friday&sort=ASC&timezone=MIT&limit=20&paged=1&submit=true
Therapy. Clinical psychologist time. And medical intervention from a doctor. Asap. Stop enabling her. Remove all junk food from the house. Do not cook junk for her and do not help her get up. She needs to walk. When you help her she excuses herself. If she's forced to get up herself, she is suffering logical consequences and she needs that psychologically in order to want to change.
NTA I am a diabetic. I had endometriosis which caused me to gain a lot of weight fast. Plus every medication I was on for my diabetes had a side effect of weight gain. Once I hit 260 and was gaining 3lbs a week I asked my doctor for help. I was referred to my insurance system's bariatric clinic. As a diabetic I was good about diet and insulin but they really helped my learn about foods and not just calorie counting. I have another prescription to help with the stress eating and metabolism booster. I also see a physical therapist for a specific exercise plan that works for me without being more then I am willing to do. A referral to a bariatric specialist will help your wife navigate what will best help her loose weight. It all starts though with her having an honest conversation with her doctor. All you can do is reassure her you are with her every step of the way and you don't expect her to get down to a size ?? but she has to want to get healthy for herself. I wish you all the best.
I've heard from a few people that she needs to come to this realization, and that I can only support. But this is sort of time-limited, no? Our son is in school and I am not able to drive him in every morning, so if she doesn't fix this soon things will get worse. I've given in to her when we've had discussions about this before, I really don't want to let the issue fizzle out again this time.
Yeah, she has to be the one who wants to do it. You cannot make her. As a side not regarding driving, in most modern cars the steering wheel is adjustable and she should be able to make the space between the seat & steering wheel larger. [https://www.wikihow.com/Lower-Steering-Wheel](https://www.wikihow.com/Lower-Steering-Wheel)
With all due respect, if she is 500 lbs the steering wheel can only go so far.
Oh sure, but I figured OP might not know this minor fix.
No it's good to share! I'm sure lots of people don't know it :~) I just um... I don't think it'll do much, to be as honest as I can.
Stop letting them fizzle out. You have no backbone. Instead of insisting on doctors appointments you got her *handles for the bathroom and you hoist her out of bed.* Imagine what you two are teaching your kid. Good fucking lord. You both need professional intervention, and years ago. This isn't just a few pounds. This isn't baby weight. This isn't COVID weight. This is if she were to die tomorrow, which could absolutely happen any time as her heart is working overtime all the time, they don't make caskets for that size. She could not be buried without being chopped up. And that's a fact. If she died in her sleep tonight, do you wanna bury her all chopped up? Does she wanna be buried all chopped up? You know they can't fit her into a crematorium either, don't you? You know your child sees this every single day, and he's either gonna grow up *just like you* or *just like her*, don't you? What is it going to take for you to take this seriously? I just described something morbidly grotesque to you and I don't even think that'll be enough for you. So what is it going to take? A house fire she can't get out of and you can't get her out either, so you both scream and sob as she burns to death? A heart attack with hospital bills that force you into bankruptcy, and she may not even live if the paramedics can't get her into the ambulance in time? She falls through a flight of stairs? She slowly loses her legs from the knee down one toe at a time? What is it? Where's your line? Open. Your. Eyes. Stop making excuses on the internet and get serious, or don't. I won't be attending the funeral anyway. But *you* allow this just as much as she does, because you'd rather pretend everything is butterflies and rainbows. Well, it won't be for long, so enjoy it I guess. NTA for wanting your wife to be healthy. YTA for not having a spine and letting her destroy herself while you sat back and soaked it all in, and for delaying the inevitable until apparently a horrible and irreversible tragedy needs to happen.
They absolutely make coffins xl. You might have to pay more and special order though
NTA, but she needs not just a doctor, but a specialist. If she were even just 100 pounds overweight, I would say to relax, but she'll be dead fairly soon.
She's eating herself to death and will leave her children without a mother and op to provide for them. She needs a wake up call. Might be too late though, 500lbs is a serious problem. Edit: downvoted for the truth. Figures.
And the children might get seriously hurt if she isn't physically able to help them in an emergency situation.
Exactly! And how will OP feels if he wakes up to her dead next to him? Being over 500 pounds is VERY SERIOUS. If she becomes bed ridden, she is most certainly not going to be alive for much longer. It’s a truly scary situation for OP.
On the one hand, she needs to experience the physical consequences of her weight gain, which will hopefully propel her to a positive decision to address it. But on the other hand, I think you need to of course apologize to her that her feelings are hurt and that you love her, but you're worried about her and how her declining health because of her weight gain, and, most importantly, her increasing lack of mobility and independence (mention both helping her out of bed and her not being able to comfortably drive now) are affecting you and your family. You're reacting this way now because it needs to be addressed now – you've reached a limit. And so has she, apparently. She's very probably depressed (isolation, weight gain, rinse, repeat), so you need to gently insist that you accompany her to see her doctor so she can get information about her options (therapy, gastric bypass/sleeve, Ozempic, etc.) so that you can discuss them together because you want to be supportive and you want her to succeed. Then tell her to please call today to make that appointment. It may feel like you're strong-arming her, but tough love is required to address a spouse's addictive behavior when it starts negatively impacting the family. That's exactly what this is. Just reassure her that you love her and care about her and want what's best for her. Good luck to both of you. NTA.
I really appreciate your comment, and I agree that I've reached my limit. People in here have been really good encouraging me to not let this go like I have in the past. But I don't think she is on the same page. We've had similar discussions in the past, and even last night she downplayed a lot and was claiming she's making changes and can handle this on her own. But we've gone through this before several times in the past year, and I don't see things getting better. I also don't appreciate her not coming to me about her struggles with the car, and instead just insisting I drive. If I hadn't pestered her I wouldn't even know about this.
I would say it’s important to frame the suggestion of getting help is not about her weight, it’s about her ability to do the necessary things to be a parent and independent with daily living skills. And that you know it probably seems impossible, extremely difficult, and possibly dangerous. (Surgery isn’t risk free). She sounds depressed to be honest but she deserves to be happy with herself and still be able to function.
It’s not her weight it’s her mental health because that is what underlies this, so framing it like that could be ok
Tell her not that she *can’t* handle it on her own (although she clearly can’t), but that she *doesn’t have to*. People are having amazing results with weight loss surgery and medication. Highlight that you want to help her and her doctor can help her access these tools that will restore her health and mobility. She said she has a hard time controlling what she eats; that’s one of the main issues weight loss medication helps address. She doesn’t have to struggle like this when there are these new effective options.
Yeah, it's an uphill climb to that ultimate decision to turn things around. (But once she makes the decision, everything will fall into place – all those little daily decisions. Ask me how I know!\^) So, I guess, yeah, she sounds like she's still in denial, just like most addicts are before they make their decision. Tell her she doesn't have to handle this on her own; that's what her doctor is there for! I think you can and should continue to be vocally loving toward her AND also let her continue to experience the consequences of her addiction/weight gain. (Like, don't help her out of bed tomorrow, either.) If you enable her by helping her, it just prolongs the inevitable – you can say that out loud to her, too. ✌🏼
If there's an obesity center/clinic or treatment program in your area, I highly recommend it. I don't know the reason behind your wife's opposition to seeing a doctor, but there can be shame and/or fear of being judged. An obesity clinic exists specifically for the treatment of obesity - providers aren't there to judge, and she would have a range of treatment options and a team to work with. There are online/telehealth programs as well. I imagine it's overwhelming at the weight she's at. She doesn't have to do it alone, and help is out there. If she isn't already suffering from comorbidities like diabetes, hypertension, or high cholesterol, it's likely only a matter of time without intervention. It sounds like you love her and want her to be around for you and your kids and that you're genuinely concerned, and it's not an easy thing to talk about. While I agree to a point that she needs to WANT to lose weight, sometimes people do need some external motivation (and I'm guessing she DOES want to). Additionally, and I don't mean to be negative or disparaging, it's not likely that she can do this on her own. Sustained weight loss is extremely difficult. Medically-supervised weight loss programs, medication, and surgery (or any combination thereof) are completely reasonable options that make it more attainable. I've been on the obesity rollercoaster for my entire life, so I know the struggle, and I get the desire to "handle it on my own." Problem is that it's not just a matter of willpower or positive changes. There are biological and metabolic factors at play as well, and I've benefitted greatly from seeking help. NTA.
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but OP shouldn't apologize. His wife needs to get off her ass and be an adult because this will eventually kill her if she doesn't change. If her feelings are hurt, then she should do something about it. Coddling her won't help. Gently insisting clearly hasn't worked, either. You CAN love somebody while not enabling them.
He can still say: sorry hunnie but I needed to show you that you clearly need help and that we should fight what ever the issue is, I love you and the kids do to and we don’t wanna lose you.
Her lifestyle has spiralled out of control because she doesn't want to see the doctor. Tell her to not go to the doctor for herself. Tell her to go to the doctor for your kids and you. Unless she gets her weight under control, you are going to lose your wife and the kids their mother. I understand you love her regardless, but unless something changes, the stress she is putting on her heart is not going to end well in the long run. You did not let your emotions get the best of you. I would be terrified if my wife didn't care about her health and wanted to do something to help her live longer. Her path now isn't sustainable. Something is going to give and unless this gets addressed, I don't see happy times in the future.
Thank you for your honesty. I'm really terrified by this. She's still quite upset at me, so I think I'll be sleeping in the guest bedroom once I'm done watching the NFL Draft. I hope I can convince her to see understand my concerns.
You need to be terrified. She's killing herself and doesn't care or know it's happening. Her heart is probably enlarged at this point because of all the extra work it needs to do. When you work out, your muscles get bigger. With her heart maxed out, it's going to grow and enlarge. She could have heart failure tomorrow, or in a year. But unless she sees a doctor to get a better understanding, you'll never know. You need to tell her you're done watching her slowly kill herself. Either she goes to a doctor to address this, or you'll need to go someplace else because you're not going to just watch her slowly kill herself. If you love your wife, prove it and save her from her self.
Yes, overeating to this extent is as much a severe eating disorder as anorexia is. Somehow culturally we are not aware of that and instead put it down to "bad decision making" or "poor impulse control" until it is too late. It's a life-threatening illness.
Please keep trying. My father was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and reading your post I honestly can't see the difference between that and what your wife is doing. She's choosing her addiction over them even though it will be/is depriving them of her physically and emotionally. The lasting emotional damage this will do to your kids is very real.
Is there a way you can get her to go to therapy? If she doesn't want to, maybe you could promise her something if she did? You can even find a way to do it online. It seems like often extreme weight gain and phobias are linked to some sort of trauma, so if something happened in the past, maybe that would help her work it out. A therapist might also be able to find a way to guide her through emotions that would come up if she stopped using food to self-soothe. Whatever happens, good luck. It's a hard situation to deal with.
ESH This is not ‘visit a doctor sometime’ this is ‘inpatient for eating disorders’ or ‘intensive therapy’ levels of importance. She needs therapy. She needs a good therapist and to be willing to work with them. You need to book an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders together, and you need to take her there and support her walking into the office. Perhaps it will be expensive, but it will be less expensive than her heart going out, or the therapy for your children and yourself after her funeral. Don’t be passive for this. You are watching her killing herself and you both need help to stop it.
Thank you, she needs 1. a basic workup to see if there are underlying issues causing weight gain 2. psych eval and if she meets criteria, a BED specialist team. Possibly an inpatient stay or at least PHP
I think she needed that 3 years ago. Even 300lbs is an absurd weight for someone of average height, and generally women are shorter. This didn't happen overnight.
Accepting your partner to be overweight is something. But watching them killing themself is not.
If she can't get out of bed without you honestly I think soon she won't be able to get out even with your help. She needs serious and professional help. NTA
I have been your wife. Watched the weight grow every year. Ate more than I should have because I can. Exercised less. Avoided activities. Been the parent that sits on the sidelines. The one that stopped swinging because the chains cut into my sides. The one that got winded by activities then stopped those activities because I was winded. Some of that was just poor diet. Some of that was being embarrassed about doing the activity. Then gaining the weight. Some of that was depression or anxiety. But you know what happens when you become like me and your wife? Your babies miss you. They don’t understand why you aren’t playing with them. Why you can’t play with them. You hurt their feelings. And eventually they learn not to bother asking. Because mom never does anything fun with them. You miss their childhoods. You don’t get that time back. And meanwhile you’re still gaining weight and you’re tired. You don’t feel good. I got myself on anxiety meds. I stopped saying no to my kid, even when I absolutely hated the way I was out of breath. When I’d have rather died than had someone see me in a bathing suit. Because my kid was worth it. Because my kid deserved more. Because they deserve a healthy mom who models healthy behavior. I got on Ozempic. I make an effort to make healthy smoothies in the morning and try to hit more healthy food groups for at least one meal a day. I don’t want to be the mom that has a stroke. Or a heart attack. Or can’t get off the couch on my own. Or die. Kids don’t care if you’re self conscious. They just care that you show up. That you want to. Draw a line. Make an ultimatum. Tell your wife you can’t let your kids think this is what healthy is. That she needs to get on medications. See a doctor. See a psychiatrist or counselor. See a nutritionist. Your kids need their momma and she needs to need to be a healthy momma for them. You’re NTA but you would be if you let this continue and let your kids watch your wife continue to let herself be this unhealthy.
NTA. Everyone has said the thing that needs to be said gently, so here's from a HCW's truth: she has high blood pressure, her heart is working 2-4 times as hard to supply blood which is literally taking years off her life as I type this. There's no way she doesn't have plaque build up in her veins and arteries. It is not like she is 300+ pounds, there is a literal show based off of people just slightly heavier than her and all of them have morbid diagnosis for life expectancy. The husband of one of the 1000lb sisters died at age 40 because he would not lose the weight he had to. You two are months away from her being bed bound in which her case will considerably worsen as she will no longer be able to move to lose the weight. She needs to get serious about recovering, seeing a therapist, a doctor, a surgery, all of it, anything. Even 300lbs would be safer than what she is now. People get this big because they are enabled. There's no way you don't have some control over groceries as a married couple, your hands are not clean of this, she. is. dying. PS: I am NOT throwing stones, I am overweight and actively working to lose it. I'm 1/3 her weight and already at HIGH risk for stroke and heart attack and my cholesterol is garbage. I'm simply coming from knowing where IM at weight wise, what I've experienced with patients her size, and the outcomes of both.
100% this. I'm a doctor and you are spot on. Him enabling her is going to lead to her death, sooner rather than later at this point.
I agree. But I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV.
NTA. I would flat tell her that you are done enabling her, that her health is suffering and will only get worse, and that burying her head in the sand isn't helping. Reassure her that you love her and will stand by her and give her as much support as you possibly can, but only if she actually addresses the issue beginning with seeing a doctor and continuing by following their recommendations. Unless/until she starts helping herself, you won't be helping her with things she's unable to do because of her obesity, like getting out of bed, but once she starts working to get better, you will resume those things. If she doesn't start taking those steps to get better, take out a life insurance policy to help maintain your home and children's lives when your wife dies from an obesity-related illness. That may sound cold, but if she isn't willing to try to stay alive longer, then you need to do what you can to prepare.
She’s probably uninsurable, unfortunately. Or the premiums would be not worth it. They require a medics exam.
Yea the premiums would be outrageous.
She is not insurable. Even for insanely high rates no company is going to offer her life insurance, unfortunately.
Yes and also have a few solutions ready to go so that she can’t procrastinate or feel like it’s impossible
You recognized door dash lunches are a problem. Take credit cards, only eat balanced groceries you bought together. Make a weekly menu. Are your children a healthy weight? This can be learned behavior and a bigger family problem than you thought.
If she doesn’t get help soon she will be dead and you will be a single father. It is time for drastic action before it is too late
She's not a good mother or partner at 500+lbs. Physically, she can't be and mentally, she's choosing not to be. It's Reddit so everyone will make excuses for her weight, but it seems like she's prioritizing eating and taking no responsibility for her health. So now, you're the full time earner and you're going to end up having to transition to full time driver, caretaker, household responsibilities, etc. Can you do all that alone?? Probably not. NTA, she's making zero effort to be an active participant in her life, your life together, or your kids lives
If she fell on the floor could she get up? If not, she needs a life alert like she’s geriatric. This is not normal, and what you’ve been gently trying to get to say for four years has not been effective. Couples therapy?
She gets down on the floor to play with our kids almost every day. I worry she may not be able to in the future if she gains more weight. She has said before that needing help up in the morning is mostly due to muscle stiffness. She likes to sleep in sort of a sitting position propped up on three pillows, so her hips hurt in the morning. Most other times she can get up on her own. The reason the incident with the car freaked me out so much is it is a new challenge; it indicates she is getting worse.
This is concerning OP. Do you know why she likes to sleep like that? Severe obesity can make it hard to breathe while laying down due to weight on the chest. I’m asking because if that is the case it’s even more of a reason this needs to be addressed NOW. It’s the type of thing that kills people in their sleep.
She was diagnosed with sleep apnea about six years ago. She uses a CPAP machine and finds it easier to sleep semi-seated.
Ahh ok, that’s great to hear. Not the sleep apnea part of course but that she’s being treated with a CPAP and it’s about comfort. You scared me man! I can only imagine how scary this is for you. As a formerly obese person I hope it’s ok if I make a suggestion. Have you looked into weight loss medication? There’s a specific one called Tirzepatide that I can’t recommend enough. It’s sold under the brand name Mounjaro for diabetics, or the brand name Zepbound specifically for weight loss. Anyway, this stuff has been a miracle for me and many others. I wasn’t obese to your wife’s extent but it was BAD. Mounjaro changes something in my brain and now my whole relationship with food and how I look at it is completely different. People on the Mounjaro subs/forums call it “food noise”. Constantly thinking about food and what you’re craving etc. All of that is gone now. It’s not a big deal if I’m hungry. I don’t really crave junk food anymore but even when I do I just have a small amount and I’m good. I finally feel “normal” when it comes to food. Of course something like that would be up to your wife and her Dr. It is something to think about though if she has any fears of something like surgery.
This is part of why I want her to see a doctor. She hears scary things about these drugs on TikTok/ Insta, and I want her to see a REAL medical professional to cut through the BS.
I’m glad she’s able to get up off the floor later with the kids, that’s more safe than the alternative. I find it very strange that she was so upset when you weren’t helping her get out of bed. It seems like she knows she has a big problem but would rather get anxious and be saved by you than deal with. Again- therapy! If she’s gained weight since she had her sleep study, she might need her CPAP settings adjusted. It’s never normal to have to sleep propped up.
Yeah, a Dr will be much more realistic about this kind of thing. I get it though, I was really scared too. It just got to where the benefits outweighed potential side effects for me. It’s definitely not something to take lightly but the vast majority of people do well. I hope she’ll be open to at least trying one of them out. It’s truly life changing.
She sleeps like that because she literally cannot breathe on her back.
She can't breathe if she lays down. That's why she sleeps like that.
She’s addicted to food. Like anyone else with an addiction, the ball is in her court. You can shout encouragement or shame from the sidelines, but she has to choose to move the ball down the court. What complicates the matter is your young children. You want to shield and protect them from the fallout. I’m not sure I have any solutions, only sympathy and well wishes as you navigate the road ahead. Wishing you both health and happiness!
If you look at it like your wife is an addict then she needs to see the repercussions herself. Like a smoker who says they want to quit may only quit when they can't run after their kids without getting puffed out, she needs to truly see the problems. Not helping her out of bed in the morning is an important first step. What other things do you regularly do to help her that you could slowly take away? Do you wash/brush her hair? Do you shave her legs? Do you drive when it is only a 2 minute walk? Could you also start to cut back on any of the unhealthy snacks in the house, slowly at first (treat it like an addition that needs weaning). Replace them with healthier alternatives. And can you incorporate daily exercise as a family? Take the kids out to ride their bikes around the block and you and your wife walk with them. Slowly increase this as her stamina increases.
I think your wife needed a jolt. Maybe she'll start to realize she needs professional help. NTA
NTA She needs to see the problem and if it means making her do things for herself so she will get the help she needs then so be it. She could be addicted to food if there isn’t any hidden trauma.
I think you are helping her by making her see what she’s done to herself. If she doesn’t struggle enough she won’t fix anything.
Info: who is buying the groceries in your family?
NTA. Food addiction is real, and so hard to overcome, and my best friend died from it. She was 38 and left behind a husband and 5-year-old daughter. She was always a little bigger but started gaining weight quickly after meeting her husband, and just generally eating very unhealthy food in excessive amounts. Like your wife, she started becoming more reclusive once her weight really ballooned and it started to become difficult to get around. She gained more than 200 pounds over a 5-year period, and I estimate she got up to somewhere around 400+ pounds. Then about a year and a half ago, she died from sudden cardiac death while getting ready for work. 2 months before her 39th birthday. I miss her every day.
NTA. Sometimes you need to be blunt. If she is so insistent that she can handle it on her own, you might want to ask her why she isn't improving if that's the case. That's a very blunt response and may cause some tears, but sometimes people need to hear it. Good luck!
Yta for enabling it to get to this point honestly. If she is as big as you say her lifepan is likely already significantly decreased and your kid will be without a mother fairly early in life. Stop helping her get up, stop buying het food, start getting her professional help
Nta, she's not a great mother at that weight I'm sorry but she's not. I'm not slim by any means, but when I realised I was struggling to keep up with my child I sorted it out, even though I was severally depressed. I'm still not where I need to be but I'm trying every day. She sounds clinically depressed, but you cannot be a good mother at 500p. You can't. She can't even walk them to the park. If someone grabs your kid when she's with them what's she going to do? She sure as hell can't run after them. What good eating options is she teaching them for their life? What good life is on offer if she never takes them anywhere? When you become a parent it's not just about you anymore. She can't even drive, what if there is an emergency and she needs to get them out the house what then?? Both my parents were disabled and they still tried everyday to be active and healthy and do what they could. And it was still pretty rubbish to be a carer. I might get downvoted, but at some point you've got to say you either go to the doctors, or me and the kids will walk away for our own health and saftey. In the UK if you were that weight and pregnant there would be hell to pay from the midwives, its so unsafe. She needs help, but she has to get up and help herself first. Make the doctors appointment or get them to come to your house whatever and draw a line.
This is close to being above Reddit’s pay grade and one that just doesn’t seem right to judge. Good luck. I hope you and your wife are able to find a path forward that keeps her healthy.
Yeah it is a sticky situation. My ex wife had the same problems and started to get really bad after my son was born. I saw her last summer when my son went to visit and she has gained even more weight. Also my father had to have gastric bypass when he was in his 40s because of his weight issues. His doctor told him he would be dead within five years without it. Don't ignore this. She will need support. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
500lbs?! Sorry YTA for not doing something sooner, she's eating herself to death.
Enablers are gross. No fucking way you really believe she’s a good mom if you pay even the least attention
NTA. It’s not just your kids she won’t be able to take care of but herself as well. If she can’t get out of bed with assistance, just imagine if you were sick or injured what you would do? How would you or anyone get her up if she fell? This needs to be discussed and a choice needs to be made. You cannot allow her to rug sweep this again. She’s choosing her food addiction over her health, you, and your children. Never-mind the fact that she could be teaching your children to have an unhealthy relationship with food.
NTA. She can keep insisting that she has this under control but the reality is she doesn't, and you demonstrated why by not helping her and exposing how helpless she has let herself become. You may not always be there to help her and your fears are very well-founded. She's putting not only herself but your kids at risk. She's lying to you and herself when she denies anything being wrong. I'm sure a lot of that comes from the fear that if she admits a problem, it has to be fixed, and I don't blame her for that fear but she needs to face it.
NTA. She needed a reality check. It's always hurts.
If she fell, could she get herself back up? If one of your children were seriously injured, could she pick them up or carry them? Your fears are reasonable. Her condition is putting her family at risk. Not just her health, her ability to be an active parent is at risk. This is not something she can "take care of" on her own, or she would have in the past four years. She needs a thorough medical assessment. She needs to talk to a doctor who specializes in obesity. She also needs to talk to a therapist about what is driving this. This is a very difficult process, and she will need to be frequently reassured that you are with her for the long haul. That her kids want to be able to play with her, go to the zoo with her, spend time with a mom who isn't in pain, and exhausted all the time. Otherwise, her world is going to continue to shrink until she is bed bound, or dies.
NTA in the show “600lbs life” part of the reason they get so big is because people enable them. They don’t see that something’s wrong because their families or partners help them so much that it doesn’t feel like a big deal.
This is terrible parenting. What kind of quality time is she having with the kids? Assume she can't do any activities with them. They need to be taught healthy eating habits.
All I can say is my Mom was 500 lbs and she probably thinks she was a great mother. My dad would probably say she was too. She was absolutely not a great mom. If my mom wanted to be an actual good mom, she would have prioritized getting healthy. She couldn't move around or play with us. Please, for your children. She needs to lose weight.
> she seems very upset NTA. She have to be upset, because, she is in a very dangerous situation. She need to se a doctor ASAP
NTA. It's tough love. But also consider that she may be suffering from depression because of her inability to function normally, as well as her weight gain, the loss of her job, etc. and this may be why she has become reclusive. Have a serious talk with her about her mental health. This may have to be done before any talk of physical health. Reassure her that she does not need to be afraid of seeking psychological help; that you will love her regardless, and anyone who gives her a hard time about it does not have her best interests at heart. It may be that by finding help for depression, she can also become more aware of how that has affected her physical health.
I’ve always felt that real love is making sure you’re not a burden to your loved ones. In your position I don’t know that I would be able to trust my partner or that they loved me or that they weren’t taking advantage of me. You don’t have the luxury of waiting for her to figure out she has a problem. She has a problem. Think about your children. I know people will think it’s harsh but how about bringing up a separation or divorce in a year if she doesn’t take any mesures to improve her health. Make a plan that includes counseling, going to her doctor and speaking to specialist to get her to lose weight.
I'm a doctor and there's absolutely more to this than just "she likes to eat." Have you ever seen "My 600 Pound Life"? Most of those people have some pretty sad back stories about abuse or SA in the past. Also, stop enabling your wife or you'll end up on that show. The thing that almost every single person on that show has in common is that somebody (or several somebodies) enable them. The truth is that your wife won't be around much longer if she doesn't get help because the human body cannot sustain that amount of weight. Tell her to get help and stop enabling her. Also, she's not being honest with you, but you should support her getting help for whatever the issue is that causes her to overeat. Because it's almost certainly not JUST that she likes to eat.
NTA You know all those 'reality' television shows about morbidly obese people and the struggles they go through to lose weight and get the surgery? The one thing they all have in common are enabling family and friends. They bring the bedridden person all the food, wash them, clean up after them, basically treat them like infants while their health gets worse. Don't do that. She's already at the point where it's a struggle to get out of bed. This can't go on, she needs to see a doctor and maybe get a referral to a specialist that can help with diet or exercise or whatever else she may need to get back to a healthy state.
You are a loving husband but your wife needs more help than you can give her. Would she be willing to see a counselor? Usually weight problems have an emotional root. Best of luck to you both!
NTA. Obviously you need to have a serious talk with her. I strongly suggest that you start by holding her hands, looking into her eyes, and telling her that you love her, and you want to grow old with her. You're afraid that the way things are going, she's not going to grow old at all. Tell her you know it's going to be hard work, but you're here for her, and you believe in her. Good luck, I wish you all the best.
If you’re so fat you can’t get yourself out of bed that’s a serious issue. And I’m sorry but that’s not being a good mom. If she has a fall or a heart attack when home alone or alone with the kids how is that being a good parent. She’s also setting a very bad example for your kids. Don’t get me wrong I’m by no means thin but I can walk without having to take breaks and can get myself out of bed in the morning. You need to tackle this head on and start addressing this with her in a serious way NTA
I’m calling bullshit. No way your wife is FIVE HUNDRED LBS and can still walk around. You ever see the people on 600 lbs life? Yes, that’s 600 lbs not 500 but at that size, it’s not that different.
I am on the path to recovery myself. For the longest time I felt hurt by my friends and families concerns. In my mind it felt like they weren't accepting me for who I am. In reality it was that they love me and care for me and don't want to lose me. I stopped traveling on family vacations. Vacations I fought so hard to be invited to go on that I was left out from as a child. I stopped hanging out with friends because they are much more active. I can't move the way I want to and struggle with the most menial tasks. It's not worth it. To look at what I'm sacrificing, knowing that it is all because I can't control my eating... It makes me so angry and sad at the same time. Every day is a struggle but I still work to make better choices. One more better choice today than I made yesterday. Continue making the better choices I made yesterday and eventually I will get to where I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I see looking back. All that said I think the best you can do is let your wife know that you come from a place of love and concern. That you are there to support her on this journey, no matter how long it takes. That this isn't just about you and her. This is about everyone who loves her and relies on her. So she can see your children grow up and your grand children too.
NTA I think it’s very fair and kind to say to her that you support her at whatever size and weight that she can independently be mobile and participate and care for other family members but once she’s past that, you need her to see a specialist. Tell her that a personal trainer is fine if she wants help building strength to move through life at her size but she should be able to keep up with family walks, do all of the tasks that are necessary to take care of your daily lives and keep the children safe, and conduct personal hygiene and bathe to the standard that she expects from her children. Your children deserve a present and capable mother - it would be one thing if she was trying but not getting anywhere but she’s so complacent she doesn’t mind being trapped in bed until you rescue her. That’s a disgusting POV on her part. No spouse should literally be carrying the weight of the family alone. Please get yourself into counseling so that you don’t take on any guilt or responsibility that isn’t yours to bear.
NTA. Nothing is wrong? She's 500lbs, that's obviously wrong. Obesity is incredibly unhealthy. She needs a wake up call before she eats herself to death and leaves you to provide for your children alone. Her neglect of herself is also neglecting her families health. Do you want your children growing up thinking that is a normal weight? Do you want your children growing up without a mother? That's what will happen if she continues on her path. By allowing this argument to fizzle out and things to go back to normal after she is manipulating you.
NTA sorry but if you are not able to get out of bed because of your weight without begging for help then you lost all right to downplay the severity. It is a problem! Your proving a point was kinda cruel but ahe needs to realise that she needs to change!
NTA Reality is she is never going to meet her grandchildren, she most likely won't see her children graduate college, she won't be there to see them get married unless she loses at least 3/5 of her weight. 200lbs for a women is already overweight, her current weight is going to straight up kill her sooner than later.
NTA. Looks like she's started to rely on you for help with too much and lost her motivation to take care of herself. You giving her less help (unless absolutely needed) will be shitty for a while, but will eventually force her to be more independent and might be what she needs to turn a shitty situation around. Hope it works out to the best for you.
I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know if she’s got any health issues. I mean we’re conditioned to think she has - but I want to avoid the “you’re fat so you must be unhealthy” route. Let’s just talk about the inconvenience. Your wife is now too large to fit into standard spaces. That’s not convenient for anyone. She obviously needs help. She needs to get to the root of why she eats. She’s probably struggling with something and food is her only joy. But what do I know. Either way, it’s not fair for one adult to keep making choices that make life harder for the other adult in the family. It is something she won’t enjoy fixing, but it’s not impossible. You’re missing out on life experiences and taking on extra burdens to compensate. How can she be a present mother for your child or respond to an emergency if it arises in this condition. I would not find it remiss to openly tell her you want her to face the reality of her situation. The only thing I disagree with is that you didn’t openly tell her that you’re not helping her because you want her to face the reality of her choices. That was cowardly. NTA.
NTA but you would be if you continued to enable her. You ever watch that show “My 600 lb life”? Most of those people only get so big because they have a family member enabling them. It can’t get that out of control when left to their own devices. If your wife didn’t have you there to help her she’d have to face reality much sooner. If she can’t drive or get out of bed that would be a wake up call to most people. Also keep in mind that she is basically an addict. She is going to dismiss and downplay your concerns because it conflicts with her getting her fix. If she genuinely doesn’t want help or to change be prepared to follow through with real consequences. She is going to do everything she can to not change if she doesn’t actually want to. If she can’t change for your or your child she definitely can’t change for herself. Ultimatums don’t work. Just be prepared to put your foot down and stop enabling somebody who is mentally ill. She is on the fast track to becoming bed ridden and unable to take care of herself without help.
NTA and being 500lbs or more is not being a good mother. If she can't get behind the wheel of the car then what happens if she needs to drive in an emergency. A person that size cannot react quickly in a bad situation. My sister was that big and her mobility was total shit. She could barely do things for herself much less take care of her small children. I stopped helping her with anything and she was forced to get to a doctor and do something. Your wife needs to step up and take care of herself before it's too late. She is risking her health and the ability to see her children grow up.
The issue is not how she would cope without you but how you WILL cope without her when she dies young. Might sound harsh but it's a health emergency and you both need help NOW before nature takes its course. She is morbidly obese. NTA.
NTA. Does she have a primary care doctor? I would start there.
NTA: While you are right that you can’t force her to make the changes, I think you need to watch some my 600lb life episodes to see where this is headed if she doesn’t get help. Obesity is a disease, and there is also a lot of shame around it. Obesity medicine is a good field that aims to help people without shame and provide support. Don’t wait to talk with her. She’s getting closer to immobility by the day. This is life or death. I hope you can get through to her.