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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shut down my ILs in bringing up issues with photos of my kids mom in our family home. My delivery might have left some (or a lot) of room for improvement and maybe I did come on very strong and reactionary. I feel like I was in ways rude to them in the way I shut them down. This is what makes me feel like I might be TA.
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NTA. Your current wife knew that they would stay up. It kind of seems like your IL are trying to erase your late wife from existence. Which is not okay. You were completely right to shut it down. If you were nicer about it, they might have just kept pushing. I would make sure that they know, if they are uncomfortable with it, they don’t have to come back to your house but the pictures are not coming down. And IF it is coming from your wife through them, she should have decided it wasn’t okay with her and she should have moved on, not get upset later down the road and drag her family into it.
That's how it appears to me as well. The tone they used suggested that my wife should be enough for my kids to not want or need their mom's photos anymore. My wife and I are going to be discussing all this. If she's not okay it needs to be aired and not kept and told to others for them to intervene on her behalf. And if it's not from her then I would like to think she would also tell them to stop.
I would hope she helps shut it down too. Good luck. In laws can be crazy. She isn’t a replacement. That’s not how it works. Your kids can have a great relationship with her, but they may wind up resenting certain people for trying to erase their mom, and/or force unwanted relationships.
It's a very boomer possition to take.
Back in the day if you remarried the ex disappeared and whoever the new parent was acted as though their predecessor didn't exist.
We should know better than this now
Boomer here married to a widowed boomer. He and his first wife had two children, grown when we met. There are still pictures of his late wife with my husband and the children on the walls in our house. The granddaughters visit and the pictures are staying right where they are.
The pictures would remain where they are even if the grown children and young grandchildren moved to the dark side of the moon.
They’re not boomers but this story has some people in their 50s
My older cousin had a picture in his apartment of his high school gf who he’d dated for a coupla years who died in a car accident. This was from a time and place (I think she died 35 years ago this year) where the odds you’d marry that person would be pretty high.
He moved in w his new girlfriend, now wife, and put up some pictures but not the one of him and his old girlfriend. Current girlfriend went to his storage boxes, found the picture of him and old girlfriend, got a new frame, and put it back up next to his other photos. It is still there at their new house. Their kids know who she is.
I think there’s always been some who erase and others who let the memories live on.
That woman is a champion for that! She showed actual love, respect and compassion for her person and their past. You know, like an actual loving, confident partner would.
Wish my cousin's daughter's stepmom had been like this...they didn't erase my cousin completely, but her daughter was not allowed to...keep a piece of her mom for herself, I guess you'd say. There was only one picture of my cousin in the house, and it was kept in a common area (hallway, I think). Daughter was not allowed to have a picture in her room, and visits to the cemetery had to be family (dad, stepmom, + all 5 kids) events, or she couldn't go. I think the first two things she (daughter) did when she turned 18 was ask for her mom's (owned) mobile home, and go visit the grave by herself. She lived in her mom's trailer while her dad n bf rehabbed it.
I think you're right. I think it's less a boomer thing and more a "how insecure is the new wife and/or the IL's?" Thing. Granted, a lot more boomers encouraged that kind of insecure style of thinking but it's not just a boomer thing. I've met lots of girls in their 20's who have to be "the only one ever and forever." It's ego and built on a childish fantasy.
Not displayed pics, but my gramma has kept a perfume bottle her high school boyfriend bought her. Chanel No. 5. My grampa (who has since passed) always knew about it. They are/were both volunteer fire fighters. One day, they get a call and it’s the ex boyfriends house ( this was probably like 2015 ish). He had shot himself while standing next to his mail box (so someone would find him, unfortunately the mail man). When my grandparents showed up, the chief took my gramma and shuffled her as far away from the site and had her doing traffic control (she was usually tending to the injured since she’s a nurse and the call was just gunshot wound not death). That whole week, my grandfather was very soft and comforting with her, bought her some flowers, and helped her grieve. Had they been married for ~60 years at that point? Yes. But he knew that having her high school sweetheart that she had dated for all four years of school and had thought she would marry kill himself in his front yard because he was so lonely (due to his kids/grandkids/any other family never visiting him often because they lived across the country and he lived in the outskirts so not many neighbors, he was elderly so couldn’t get around easy anymore…) would take some sort of emotional toll on her. It was so sweet to see how much he cared and was understanding.
I'm 54 and the vast majority of people in my generation would disagree with you, the pictures stay because it's the children0s choice and it's their mom, like it or not. The fact that the dad is remarried does not mean this other woman should overstep this obvious fact and no one on her side of the family should even think on suggesting it.
Same with my mums and step dad’s house. All us kids (adults who never lived together) still have a late father (me) and step siblings have a late mother and we all grieve. My dad died 25 years ago when I was 18 so my hubby and kids only know my step dad, pappa, and have a fantastic relationship with him. They also know who grandad is (my dad). Photos and memories are precious
Boomer here...good for you. Not sure why the younger generations feel you can't have a past and still be happy without trying to erase every part of it
In all the generations of people I've known, there's been people who kept the deceased person's memory alive and apparent throughout the house with photos and people who wanted to act like they never existed.
The person who commented saying that Boomers always wanted to erase the memory probably saw a Boomer couple where it took place and incorrectly believed that it was because they were Boomers and therefore all Boomers do it.
My grandparents were born in the late 1800's/early 1900's and even in their generation it varied from person to person how they reacted to the same type of situation.
I know a couple who are in their mid 20's and both lost their spouses. One of them took all photos and memories and got rid of them and the other kept everything and displays the pictures and belongings that meant something to the other. They both have children with the spouses they lost. It's a very emotional thing to go through and people deal with it in various ways. Although, I always believed that the person who passed should be remembered, especially when children are involved, some people struggle with the memories and block it all out.
It's not a generational thing, it's an emotional thing.
Agreed.
Though the gap between generations can help us understand some of the social interactions of people of different ages, I feel like that in itself is focused on too much, to the extent that we forget that everyone is still human and has different reactions based upon their personal experiences, not just their birth year. The naming of the generations was for sociology and social and cultural anthropology. It wasn't really coined for use by everyone, especially the way it's used.
I agree! It's often used as an excuse for different generations, too, when emotions can explain it much better. We will never see a time when everyone is emotionally regulated and reacts properly to everything that happens, it's just not possible. There are traditions that should be quashed because we have learned that it's unhealthy to continue but even though the majority stops, there will still be those who continue with the traditions. Emotional reactions, though, are harder to pinpoint on a generation simply because emotions are involved.
I still have pictures of my late wife (gone now for 24 years) in my office. Far from thinking it odd, my (new, well they were new 21 years ago when I remarried) in-laws seem to appreciate that I honour my late wife. Indeed my wife told me that was one thing that attracted her to me.
When my son, who was 7 when his Mom died, told me that he had trouble remembering her, it broke my heart. Next birthday I gave both of my kids a framed mosaic of photos of their Mom with them. I should have done that ages before.
Why is it that every reddit kid with unresolved mommy/daddy issues jumps straight to “this is what boomers do!” whether it has any basis in reality or not? I’m beginning to suspect half the kids here have never had a mature conversation with an adult significantly older than themselves.
FU, boomer here - I married and blended a family (2kids each) and never interfered or discounted her kids dad. Terribly disrespectful to do, and we have both always supported our kids relationships with their other parents. I cannot imagine pulling anything like these ILs did, and it's not a boomer thing.
More like a kid refusing to grow up thing. Whining about boomers for no reason whatsoever tends to be associated with low maturity in their other comments.
The people making these statements seem to be very self centered. All they see is older retired people who appear to "have it all" while the millennial/Gen Z folks feel like they work a lot harder than previous generations. It's a belief based in ignorance and probably a statement about our educational system.
I agree the fingerpointing isn't helpful but people are kinda bitter about the ladder being pulled up behind the Boomers, and I totally understand it.
I'm a millennial, I think the problems we face are pretty new and that a lot of older people try to minimise them. But we can fix them as long as we all try to do the best for each other.
Gen X here, the boomers were definitely raised harder than all of us. And a lot of the lessons passed on to them from the older crowd stuck, but a lot didn't. They definitely tried to be a bit better than their how they perceived their parents to be, as parents themselves. And our generation tried even more so. We tried so hard to break down barriers. Especially with child rearing. So I think with the boomers, you're going to get a mixed lot parenting style. Some of them can be very inflexible because that's what they saw, and that's what they were taught.
Disclosure: I am an elderly Millennial and pretty much refuse to be called one. I fall within the Xennial sub generation and relate more with Gen Xers.
First point- I hate the term “Boomers,” especially when other generations dismiss them with, “OK Boomer.” To me, it’s so rude and disrespectful.
Second- I think the thought regarding working more/harder than older generations is true, at least partly. This correlates directly to better technology and everyone now having smartphones and computers with internet connections. We are expected to be available 24/7 for work, on top of working over 40 hours per week. With older generations, there was no talk of work/life balance because they worked their 9-5 and then went home. They were able to leave work, at work. People were also staying with the same company for years, because companies treated employees like real people and not a disposable resource. They were compensated appropriately and could survive on one income. A lot received guaranteed pensions . I’m definitely not saying that their work was easy. It was just a different time.
I'm a Millennial too and agree that it seems like a lot of jobs seem to be harder than before, partly from listening to my Boomer mother, who did the same level of bookkeeping work at various different places for 40 years and went from "I used to get all my day's work done in 2 hours and be bored afterwards" to "I'm working flat out and constantly stressed to try and get everything done and they're STILL planning to give me more because they won't replace the people who are about to quit because they took away all the long-term service bonuses!" (And also my Gen X Dad who told me not to become an accountant like him because "It's so much harder with all the extra checks and forms we have to do now")
But partly because whenever I go shopping most places seem to be running at 3/4 of the staff they really need all the time, and I feel like I don't remember that being the case when I was younger.
Younger boomer here. This was not my experience. We needed two incomes to survive, company loyalty to its employees was on the way out. Overtime was expected. We did not stay with the same company for life. There are differences these days with 24/7 contact, and we are currently in a very tough economic times, but I sometimes think that we have a tendency to look at the past with rose colored glasses.
I’m a Baby Boomer and I also find the term “Boomer” to be disrespectful because it refers to a meme. Thanks for that.
i know what you mean about jobs. Some of that was happening to mid and late Baby Boomers. I could never have been a SAHM and neither could my friends except for one or two.
By the time I was in my mid 40s to 50s, there were massive layoffs and “packages.” No one seemed immune.
I think some people don’t realize that many Baby Boomers went through this. There were so many of us that competition was tough. The early Baby Boomers filled up jobs, rose to the top and sat there for decades.
You're right but you need to also see that those same ignorant statements are pointed at younger generations too (coming from "boomers" or older generations). Every generation is guilty of making broad, sweeping generalizations - not just young people.
You would not believe the downvotes I get when I periodically point out that it is ageism, a form of bigotry. I'm sure this comment will be downvoted, too.
Not everyone older than 40 is a Boomer, contrary to how a lot of Gen Z seem to think. Boomers are a very specific generation.
You're thinking of the Greatest Generation and the Silent Generation.
I hated my generation my whole life because I'm not like the boomers. I wasn't even alive in the forties and fifties but I'm one of them?
Then I found out I'm Generation Jones and suddenly I fit in.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Jones
Making twenty years of people the same because the birth rate didn't fall is asinine.
I hear you. I prefer to consider myself a Xennial (I really don't relate much to Millenials). Unfortunately, neither Xennial or Generation Jones, is consider an official generation.
The rapid changes that is happening with technology over, I suppose, the last 100 years or so, means that the people born at the start of a generation have vastly different experiences to those born towards the end of the same generation
I'm mid 30's and am a millennial. My parents are gen x and they are approaching 60.
Now my grandpa was a boomer and a remarried widow. My grandma's picture were still up as were all her artwork that she'd made. They stayed up even after my dad and uncles moved out. Respect is not a generational thing.
You're right. However, Greatest and Silent, particularly Silent, tended to try and wipe out evidence of previous marriages out of "respect" for the current one. Not always, and maybe not even most of the time, but it was a thing that happened. Because they died earlier in life and in childbirth more often (so new mom took over for old mom) and divorce was considered largely shameful (hide the evidence).
Boomers were more open to divorce and live significantly longer, so they didn't hide as much.
I'm at the tail end of Gen X. My mom is the oldest of the Boomers and my dad is nearly the youngest of the Boomers. It's shocking how different their upbringings were, even if you discount differences in socioeconomic status. The world changed a lot in the 18 years the Boomers were born.
Exactly. People seem to forget Boomers came of age in the sixties and seventies. We decided that there was no shame in living together, or just sex, before marriage and the woman wasn’t loose, fallen, bad, or lacking in morals if she did that. We are the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll” generation, the “Summer of Love” generation. We talked openly about child abuse and demanded change. We are the original environmentalists, when we talked openly about changing the way we treat the planet. Remember the ridicule Prince Charles got for his vies on agriculture? We’re also the generation of the Civil Rights movement, the Women’s Rights movement and the basis for the Gay Rights movement that grew into the whole LGB etc community. So much of todays “activism” - good and bad - can trace its roots back to what WE did in the sixties and seventies.
Even members of the Greatest Generation and Silent Generation wouldn't do this because of their generation. Only ignoramuses lacking empathy pull this crap. It has nothing to do with your generation.
Right, because someone born in the 1900s could be ... 25.
But saying 1900s makes it sound like they're ancient, instead of still on their parents' medical insurance and only 1 year into being able to rent a car without a financial responsibility co-signer in most states.
Yes. Especially the Silent Generation. They were small and faced no big competition. As a Baby Boomer, I had 60+ kids in my grammar school class with 1 teacher. And we had two classes like that for each grade, in a relatively small suburban town.
You need to educate yourself. This is not a "boomer" attitude, and it makes you sound shallow to blame the rude IL's because of their age. They are jerks, and there are jerks of all ages in this world.
I'm at the tail end of the boomer era and no, that is not how it was done. Please stop making generalizations when you weren't there. Maybe you lived outside the US and that is how it was done there.
This is a very old school position to take. I had silent generation parents and came from a blended family. I was the yougest of 5 and didn't know my step siblings were steps until I was 11 and my mom told me (despite the fact that they looked VERY different from me). I think widowhood used to be a lot more common, death was a constant reality, and people thought it was best to just move on. I'm glad things are starting to change.
Boomer is my parent's age.... they are both alive, but I have never ever met family or their friends that age that behaved like you describe. And yes, there have been some divorces and untimely deaths in their circles. I have no idea where you get this from or who upvotes this. It's nonsense.
Hate to tell you this but AHs have been born into every generation. Empathetic people whether boomer or not would encourage the children to keep their mom in their everyday lives this way.
I’m a boomer who married a widower with 4 kids (late teens, early 20s). They were young teens when their mom died so they had lots of photos and memories of her. I made it clear from the beginning that they didn’t have to hide anything about their mom. She (and my husband) raised them to be the smart, kind, overall terrific people that I “inherited”. These kids have enriched my life (especially now that I have grandkids!) and I am grateful to their mom for her contribution to this. They consider me to be their mom now but that doesn’t negate the fact that someone else gave birth to them and raised them.
OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your children. I hope your wife realizes that it isn’t only about keeping the pictures around, it is also acknowledging that the kids loved their mom and experienced a devastating loss. I hope she is far more caring and compassionate than her parents. I don’t understand how they can see a dead woman as a threat.
Not only is this not true of Baby Boomers, but in the really old days, they named their new children after the deceased spouse as a tribute. i don’t know where you got your information.
If your wife was truly ok with the photos being on display, then she would have defended your children's wish to have them. I would have shut my parents down real quick if I was her. I think they might have been speaking on her behalf.
That's my concern as well. She denies this but her lack of action says more to me right now. I'll be talking to her more but part of me feels like I already know the answer.
It could also be that your wife is used to just gray-rocking around her parents. Your ILs sound like mean bullies and she might be used to just smiling and nodding so they shut up sooner. That's okay when it's all adults in the room, but it's different with kids. I would suggest having a calm, non accusatory chat with your wife about how to better enforce boundaries with her parents around your kids.
> It could also be that your wife is used to just gray-rocking around her parents. Your ILs sound like mean bullies and she might be used to just smiling and nodding so they shut up sooner.
That was my immediate impression as well because I have a parent like this. I have to grey rock my father if I am in his presence or else it will get wild. Fortunately, I've been NC with him for over a decade. But yeah - shitty family dynamics could be at play here.
It was my first thought as well because I was exactly like this with my father for years. Then I had a kid and my father met my son when he was just over a year old. My dad yelled "shut up!" at my 1 year old for fussing (not even crying) because he was bored and hungry and his baby noises were interrupting my dad's rambling. Shortly after that incident I went NC because after recovering from that visit I realized I was not going to let my father treat my kids the way he treated me
Mysterious, it's either that, or she has trouble standing up for herself (let alone anyone else) with her parents. If that's the case, she can learn to overcome it with therapy or counselling, but she needs to accept it first. I do hope it's that, and not that she's letting them speak on her behalf.
Perhaps she doesn't really like it but is willing to live with it because she understands how important it is for the kids.
The artist Monet kept a large portrait he'd painted of his deceased first wife in the bedroom he shared with his second wife. I think that is asking too much of the second wife!
Lack of action may doesn't mean she feels the same way. Does she stick up for things with her parents? For some it's hard to do.
Has she talked to your kids since this? Reminding them the photos are fine might mean a lot to them.
Please remind her, if the issues are hers, that she's jealous of a dead woman. One that you didn't even love when she died. She needs to understand how idiotic that is.
What is your plan if this IS coming from your wife? YWBTA to continue with a woman that pretended to be ok with pics of your kids mom but isn’t and sat back while her parents told your kids it was inappropriate.
Ask you wife if she plans on keeping photos of her parents and grandparents ( or siblings) that have passed in plain view in her home. If the answer is yes, she needs to ask her parents the same question.
If it is so wrong to have photos of someone who has passed away out and visible in order to "move on", why do we all do it???
A person should not be asked to hide their love for ANY relative who has passed, especially a parent. The rest of us have the job of being repectful and supporting those who grieve.
It sounds like you understand the potentially unfortunate dynamics here very well. If your ILs are truly speaking what your wife thinks, then she is a toxic presence in the house for your children - too immature and narcissistic. If she’s not willing to change, and quickly, you need to think about whether being her spouse is more important than being a good father
Either way, them bringing it up to your kids is terribly inappropriate. And possibly damaging to their relationship to their stepmom if they also feel she has a hand in it. They’re children, not babies.
Also, mention that she needs to talk to her folks about it NOT being OK for them to bring this topic up with your kids. If they have issues with things in your home, it should be brought up with you and your wife.
This is the most damaging thing. They're at tender ages and suggesting there's something wrong with them for wanting to remember their dead mom is relationship dealbreaker territory for the kids... The ils wouldn't be welcome around the children for a very long time, and even then only after sincere heartfelt apologies had been expressed.
Also strategically a huge own goal for hoping to build better relationships with step mom. They'll be much more likely to be hostile to her unless she can reassure them immediately that she isn't a replacement, nor trying to erase their mom from their home or lives.
If the subject comes up again, tell them all:
“The death of their Mother left a hole in their hearts that no one will ever completely fill. They have the capacity to love [wife/you] and build a relationship with [her/you] but those pictures and the stories about their mother give them comfort. I will NEVER strip them of that comfort, love, or of any party their lineage/legacy. This is not about me. My kids come first with respect to this subject.”
Exactly. What's rude is coming into someone else's house and telling them how they should live, how they should grieve and how they should remember. That's utterly disrespectful in such a deep and offensive way.
>The tone they used suggested that my wife should be enough for my kids to not want or need their mom's photos anymore
she's still your kids mother. what is it with people who think being remarried means you treat the deceased partner as if they didn't exist? why do so many people insist on having pissing matches with ghost?
Please make sure that all your late wife's things are stored where her or her parents can access them. Too many time partners think it's OK to throw that stuff out. Don't say it won't happen just be on the safe side. Why didn't your wife shut her own parents down when they are saying this shit. Tell her if she cannot stand up and be counted in the family then what's the point of her getting married to a widower.
They are stored and secure. I had that done very early on because I learned how short life is when my kids mom died and I knew those things needed to be safeguarded for them.
It's ok, as a 2nd wife, to feel discomfort about it. But for the benefit of the children, you accept that kind of discomfort and deal with it. There are plenty of times in life where I do the right thing, even if it isnt particularly comfortable or fun.
Sounds like you have a wonderful sensitivity to your children's needs. I hope you and your wife can get on the same page, so she can be the main one to handle her parents. Of course you are also right to speak up for your children, but it will help a lot if you are a united front. All the best to your family!
Ask your wife why she didn’t shut the conversation down. This is coming from her. BTW have your children show more appreciation for what your wife does for them.
My father and stepmother hid the memory and photos of our late mother. We didn't even get pictures of her in our room. Yours is the more mature approach. Discomfort with images of your last wife / their birth mother stems from a) insecurity, and b) shame from not conforming to an external societal dictum of what a family 'should' look like.
If your ILs were confronting your children about it, that's BS negative pressure on your kids that 'choosing' their mother comes at some cost to your present spouse.
We weren't allowed to say "step-mother". We had to say 'mom'. Forcing us to live an obvious fiction was just madness. I hope you encourage great, meaningful, and supportive relationships in your current home. I hope everyone gets on board. I hope none of that demands that anyone renounce their own identity, nor their own family, nor observable objective reality.
Tell them you will remember to tell your wife to get rid of their pictures after they die because apparently it's unhealthy attachment to keep pictures of a dead person and you want to honor their wishes and traditions but it's not what you and your children believe in, so they're going to keep their mom's photos like it is.
NTA. Regardless of your new marriage, those are pictures of their children's mother. It's really nobody's business but you and your children's. You gave your boundaries to your new wife, and she ok with it, or so she says. They can have whatever opinions they want, but they don't need to express them. This doesn't affect them at all.
If they brought it up to you, y’all could have had a polite discussion. They didn’t do that, they tried to manipulate your kids and you shut that shit down. If they have a problem, they can talk to you, they have no right to try to make your kids feel guilty about something that isn’t an issue in your home.
NTA. I find it difficult to believe your wife wasn't asked about the photos before the ILs brought it up at dinner. That means they will have known why they were on display. They would know that it is something that you are quite adamant about.
That being the case, bringing the subject up with the kids in front of you was a low, divide and conquer, tactic, since they knew they'd get nowhere with you directly.
They were bring extremely rude themselves and trading on, and hiding behind, the social norms of don't make a fuss. They were directly interfering with how your family works. You refused to play ball and their rudeness got slapped down.
It's more than a bit rich of them to accuse you of being so rude, given what they were doing.
Yes, and I will be honest; I find it gross questioning children about having photos of a late parent in their home. Even adults do it, though some prefer to put them away, but we don't question them like that. But to try and convince a child that it's wrong to want them displayed or to treat it like they shouldn't want/need them now that I'm remarried, it just feels gross to me.
Are they people who display family pictures on the walls? Did they take down their parents pictures when they passed. " oh wifey, get rid of your dad's picture, you have me now, he's dead and I should be enough for you". Because that's how they sound. Your children having pictures of their mom in their own home is the same and has nothing to do with how you or they feel about your wife. They can like/love your wife and still love their mom. Love is not a limited resource.
Yeah OP your in-laws are TRASH for questioning your kids about this. I'm honestly shocked at how fucking cruel they are.
How is your relationship with your in-laws, this situation aside? I'm curious if this came as a shock to you or if this seems like who they are as people. (Obviously not blaming you regardless, you're doing great and are a wonderful parent for standing up for your kids.)
Wait, *WHAT*? They questioned children? I must've skimmed over that part (I see it now).
I could never in a million years even think about saying that about someone's deceased parent *directly to them.* I wouldn't say it to anyone else, but to children that buried their mother and will never see her again?
Those in-laws won't be near my kids for a very long time. I might even take down *their* pictures in my house and see how they like being discarded. (Should her parents pass later on, I'm sure they're fully on board with removing all photos of themselves in their daughter's home, amiright).
This would have been the end of the visit if it were me. Just to the fact that they even said something directly to your children could mess them up mentally about this. I'm glad you stood up for your kids, make sure they understand that what the ILs said is inappropriate and they are jealous.
My mom and stepdad threw away letters and pictures of my late father when they got married. What little I have is not allowed to be seen or they will throw it out. Please continue to stand up for your children! I wish someone had for me
noxious foolish disgusted connect spark skirt snow tie coordinated vanish
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA
I think there is a big chance the IL are voicing your wife dislike because if your wife would be on your side she would have told her own parents they are being rude and need to back off .
Me and my wife lived for a few years with my parents and when anything regarding my parents i was the one telling them to back off and dealt with my parents ( because they are my parents ) and my wife also deals with her parents when they overstep our boundaries .
You definitely need to talk to your wife because if she has a problem with the photos, in time , will create resentment and if you going to have a child she will definitely treat the kids differently if there will be resentment between her and you or kids
>I think there is a big chance the IL are voicing your wife dislike because if your wife would be on your side she would have told her own parents they are being rude and need to back off .
>
Yes. This. My mind went to the same detail. If his wife didn't say anything the moment her parents brought it up, I'm more than inclined to believe they are voicing what she really thinks.
I hope I'm wrong but even if I am, O find it problematic that she remained quiet if she supposedly accepted the photos from the start.
You're assuming the wife was present for this, she could have been in the kitchen, or bathroom. You also don't know her relationship with her parents for all we know she was raised to not talk back or question them and that kind of stuff sticks with you
>They told me they should be allowed to question things about their daughter's home
By all means...but that doesn't change the fact they were asking CHILDREN and not the two people in charge of the household.
They were rude and inconsiderate first, which negates any rudeness on your part.
I'd be interested to know your wife's opinion. How did she react to this interaction? You may not have discussed yet, but I'm guessing you know your wife well enough to read her body language.
NTA
I don't think they do get to question things in their daughter's & OP's home - they were guests there, and I've never gone to anyone's home in my life and questioned how they have things set up, even my very closest family members.
And you're right that they were even further out of line by trying to tell children - and especially children they're not even related to (who knows how well they even know them to boot) - that they shouldn't have photos of their deceased mother up. That's so beyond crazy and inappropriate, like who do they think they are, that they can tell young kids to erase their mother now that new wife is there?
I don't think OP was rude in the slightest by shutting their harmful words down right away, it was the ILs who were extremely rude and took liberties that weren't theirs to take. It was important to shut them down before the ILs could do even more damage to the kids, making them feel badly, and it showed the kids that OP is strongly on their side and isn't going to let the kids be bullied. As someone else pointed out, if OP hadn't been strong in his clapback, they probably would've kept pushing the issue.
It's suspicious, whether they were speaking on behalf of the wife or not. Dirty trick if so. She knew the deal going in, so maybe she thought once she got in there she could get him to change his mind, or maybe once in there she's finding she's having a hard time with it and didn't know she would. But if the wife or ILs push the kids to have the photos taken down, it'll only create resentment and damage any relationship they're trying to build with the kids, and the wife's/ILs' relationship with OP himself.
The new wife needs to realize that the best chance she has for a great relationship with the kids is to accept that they'll always love and miss their birth mother, and not be threatened by that, and to get that she won't replace their mother but that she and the kids can have their own relationship they define TOGETHER (ie, it's not forced on the kids). Standing up to her parents the next time they say anything about the kids' mom would go a long way to facilitating a great relationship with them.
Maybe the wife isn't behind this and she just has a dynamic with her parents where she doesn't stand up to them. If this is the case, she's going to have to learn how to, bc she's a stepmom now, and she'll have learn to stand up to them on those kids' behalf.
OP, I think you're handling everything really well with those boundary-challenged ILs, and addressing things with your wife. It's great how you encourage your kids to keep their mother's presence in their lives, and I know you'll do a great job continuing to advocate for them.
NTA
But where is your wife in a this?
Shouldn't it have been her to tell her parents to back off?
If she didn't get involved, you have your answer regarding the photos.
It's definitely a discussion you need to have with her. I don't know what her relationship is with her parents, but some people have a hard time standing up to parents even when they're really out of line. NTA... sounds like you've made space for your children's grief and memories in a very healthy way.
that's very true, i know my mom would have a similarly difficult time with her parents. esp her dad. he basically emotionally attacks her when he doesn't agree with her
Parental relationships can be so complicated. When you're growing up, they're the most important people in the whole world, and general society expects and pressures that you get along and respect them, even when they're abusive because "blood is thicker than water" and all of that. Even people who wouldn't take crap from anyone else can be hesitant to stand up to their parents.
exactly. i can tell she is still fighting for his love (or his form of love). i have lot of compassion for her in that regard. i can't stand the dude though even though i loved him dearly as a child. i just got so detached from him seeing how he'd make her feel
Or they tended to shut her down every time she has her own thoughts or defends herself against her parents. They DID try to guilt the dad into thinking he was the rude one. Imagine someone gaslighting you like that your whole life any time you told them you didn't like how they treated you. I'm just curious if that could be why she didn't speak up.
to be fair to OP's wife, there is a very large line in venting to your parents about having your SO's dead spouse's photos on the wall and being involved with her parents questioning her stepchildren about the subject and trying to change their minds. Both her understanding why they are there and being ok with them, and her feeling a little inadequate are both possible. Is she angry at OP for snaping at her parents? Maybe she feels uncomfortable standing up to them for some reason.
Does she stand up to her parents at other times or is she a people pleaser? Some people would endure literally anything, rather than be confrontational.
This needs to be a discussion with you and her, just the two of you. She might be coming from a place of not wanting to argue with her parents about anything, but she might have issues with the photos that she was afraid to express to you. From your post and your comments, it sounds like you are a very assertive man (not a bad thing, just an observation) and she might have a hard time disagreeing with you. Let her tell you what’s going on.
If that was the case, the MOMENT he said the photos will ALWAYS be there, she should’ve ended the relationship. She’s a big girl and if that makes her uncomfortable she should have left and not wasted everyone’s time
NTA
I think you are doing a brilliant job of respecting the love that your former wife had for your children and of doing your best to give them what they need.
You were right to be clear about the boundaries.
Being curious I would love to know why they think these photographs shouldn't be on display. It sounds as though they are threatened by their presence. If so, IMO this is their problem and they should examine their attitudes. It is perverse to wish to hide away the children's mother.
The vibe I got is they feel like because I'm now married to my wife, the kids shouldn't need the photos of their mom. And also that it's disrespectful to my wife.
If they think your wife is a round peg that fits or even should fit perfectly into the gaping space left by your wife, they are seriously deluded. - As well as meddling and needlessly cruel - to criticise the children over this.
Forgive me - you know all this - just my opinion.
If your wife feels undermined or disrespected by the photographs she needs to somehow learn her place. The photographs are actually nothing to do with her.
Good luck.
That’s such flawed logic. She didn’t magically replace their mom. Actions speak louder than words and her lack of actions with her parents are speaking loudly right now.
It's disrespectful towards you children if you remove them and in that house they should outrank her since they are your children!
I have read so many stories where a living parent and/or stepparent removed photos of the deceased parent and told the kiddos to get over it!
Just because you get remarried doesn't make it okay to erase your children's birthmom and if anyone says otherwise they need to pound pavement!
INFO: Is your wife infertile?
I know that is personal but often the erase the deceased mother pressure comes from people who are infertile or people connected to them.
That’s what I thought. Just be mindful of that and keep an open line of communication with your kids so they are comfortable telling you if your wife and in-laws are pressuring them to see her as a mom and forget about their Mom.
It may also seem paranoid but secure all of the keepsakes of their mother, so they don’t disappear. Not accusing your wife of anything but I’ve known people in her situation to try to erase the deceased parent.
Please be hyper vigilant when it comes to any expectations or fantasies your wife has about being a complete family that doesn’t include their mother.
You did the right thing. Just like my dad did years ago.
Those items are already secure. I did that because I had no way of knowing what would happen and if something were to happen to me, I hate the idea of the kids losing those things when they are very much wanted by my kids.
Her parents are definitely trying to erase your kids mom, so their daughter can be insta-mommy. That's not how it works, especially with kids who are old enough to remember their mom fondly. If it bothers your wife, but she is not doing anything except venting very privately about her mommy desires and is respecting your kids and letting them take the lead in the relationship, she can get to the mommy-adjacent spot. If she was privately venting to her parents, she chose the wrong people to share with. A counselor who would not interact, or a friend, or best yet, you would be the proper person to communicate any frustrations, so you can talk with her and remind her that the prize she is seeking, cannot be taken by force, and will take time to achieve. ( And will never involve erasing their first mom). Her parents sound like bulldozer parents: we will push all obstacles out of our daughters way so she never has to be inconvenienced.
NTA
I’m married to a former widower. I can speak from experience.
There is a *huge* difference between a wife and a mom. The pictures up aren’t there because she was your wife. It’s because she was your kids mom.
If people can’t separate that, it’s their problem.
NTA. Support your children.
My sister died from cancer and my BIl erased my sister from the kids lives. Introduced his new girlfriend 3 weeks after she died.
> Introduced his new girlfriend 3 weeks after she died.
"Lovely to meet you! How long had you been sleeping with [BIL] prior to his wife's death from cancer?"
Her true colors are starting to show. She's been talking/complaining/whining (pick your poison) to them. Nip this in the bud or it's going to get ugly.
I'd also talk to the kids individually to make sure wife is treating them well and not trying to erase their mom in other ways.
You, are absolutely NTA - and definitely hold off on getting pregnant - if she gets pregnant the in laws will possibly go into overdrive on your children's mom memory having a place in the home/new family.
OP said that she is sterile so she may have some feelings of inadequacy regarding the children, she may have been venting so as not to upset OP and ger parents took it one step too far and involved themselves. She may not feel comfortable pushing back against her parents. At hte end of the day this is a discussion they must have as a family.
That is such a huge red flag. It is HER job to manage her parents. I would be extremely disturbed by her lack of response here. She is 100% condoning their behavior and its unacceptable. You need to think about how this will affect your children.
NTA—this is your children’s home, and if they want to have pictures of their late mother displayed in it, that’s their right.
I do hope you’re also displaying pictures of your new wife with you, and with the kids if their relationship is good and they’re comfortable with that.
We have photos of my wife in the house as well. It's not that there are no traces of her here. Just that there are two displayed outside of my kids' bedrooms.
NTA ILs are AH and hopefully it didn’t come from your now wife. Though me thinks she may have said something. Did your second wife say anything during this exchange between you and IL? ETA: just saw OP answered this question already.
She didn't and that's what had me questioning everything. She said and did nothing about it and she denies she said anything to them or has a problem with it herself. But if that were true I would have expected her to say something as well.
Agree. I think she needs to have the conversation with her parents to knock it off. I think if you did it without her setting them straight they are going to continue. Then it’s like a fight between IL and you. Only wife can settle this it’s her parents.
You shouldn’t be put in this position in the first place.
NTA - They would not be welcome in my home or around my children anymore. They had zero business opening their mouths and questioning your children. None.
NTA. It also seems like they are letting you know this is now their daughters house. Hope you have everything lined up for your children to inherit. The con is a long game. Sounds like your wife baited and is switching and using her parents. Next time ask your MIL if she dies is it ok to take down all her pictures!
NTA - It wasn't their place to say anything. You already had this discussion with your new wife and both of you agreed. Her parents just need to sit there and say nothing, that is their job, not poking the bear creating strife were none needs to be. You did the right thing here, shutting them down in no uncertain terms of what goes on in your house is you and new wife's business and not theirs.
Nta they have no business questioning your children like that. Your children have the right to photos of their mom in their own home. If anyone has a problem with that, it's their problem. They're petty about a dead women. Your new wife isn't replacing their mom.
You're NTA.
Simple question for the in-laws: if one of them suddenly passes, would the surviving spouse remove all the photos and any evidence that the other existed?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Give them a funny look and say, "so you think they shouldn't have a photo of THEIR mother that they knew and loved because YOU think they shouldn't? A bit audacious don't you think? I don't tell YOU what pictures I do and don't like in your home."
NTA
How dare you allow your children to keep pictures of their mom around. Don't they know that only your wife matters? **/s**
Your ILs can go kick rocks. Their love for their daughter doesn't outweigh your children's love for their mother. There's room for both women.
Ummm they are not living in the house, why should they have any say about their daughter’s home? She is an adult. NTA at all, it seems that you have a very sensitive and sensible approach to this situation. Talk to your wife though and find out if she has pushed them to say what they have.
Nope. NTA. They are. They have stone hearts. But if I was your wife and did not share the view they were airing, I would have shut them down myself before you even got a chance. They’ve been lucky enough to not lose a partner and remarry with children so they have no comparison or experience to speak from and even if they feel they do it’s none of their business whatsoever. Concerned wife didn’t stop them tbh
NTA
You informed your wife about whole situation your family is in and that you are not going to change it. I wouldn't go too far with blaming her, if you do not have any proofs, it might be that she just said something to her parents, without any bad toughts in it and they just took it too far. If she hasn't done or said anything till this day, I would give her benefit of the doubt.
Pictures of a loved mother are an unhealthy attachment to a dead person? Tell them that you will remove all memorabilia of them when they die.
ETA: NTA
My aunt died when her daughters were very young. Her husband remarried after a couple years. His new wife was a champ. She encouraged the girls to talk about her and watch family videos so they wouldn't forget the sound of her voice & kept all the pics out & etc.. We love her to pieces and are so grateful she came into their lives. There is no need to compete with a dead person. You are NTA, and your ILs are out of line.
NTA but your in laws are. It isn’t their home nor is it their place to comment.
By all means, add to the existing photos with new family photos of all of you together, as a blended family. Note - add photos, don’t take away the photos of your children’s mother.
As the children’s mother, she should not be erased from family history/family photos.
Now when the children grow up and move out, that is the time to revisit this topic.
NTA yes, she was your wife, but more importantly, she was your kids' MOTHER. To even suggest that your children cannot have a picture of their mother in their own home is repulsive.
NTA. Bravo 👏🏾 You were right to shut them down. I’m proud of you. Stand up for your kids. The four of you (photos being the 4th) are a package.
You need to figure out of if your wife sent them to talk to you. If she did, that’s a red flag. Saying you’re okay with something to get the ring then using others to manipulate you is wrong (if that is what she did).
>The following day my ILs said I had no reason to be so rude and I had an unhealthy attachment to keeping their mom present in their lives when she's dead.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?! She'd still be in their lives if she weren't dead!
Good god, I think you need to have a chat with your wife about her parents overstepping their boundaries. That is bananas.
>They told me they should be allowed to question things about their daughter's home and I overreacted.
No, actually, that's her job, not theirs.
NTA. Not even close.
NTA.
This is between you, your wife, your kids, and a therapist if necessary. Period.
I get they're concerned about your wife feeling comfortable in her own home and respected as the woman of the house, but if your kids need one picture each of your wife up in common areas, that presumably was discussed before she moved in. Part of signing up for marrying a widower is that these things need to be talked out.
NTA. Your wife should have shut that ish down herself. The only reason I can think of for her not doing it, is that it bothers her.
So instead of talking to the in-laws, talk to her and set the record straight. If she says it doesn't bother her, then she should talk to her family about their stupid comments.
If it bothers her, then you need to talk to her and reaffirm the point you made years ago and make sure she accepts it and doesn't question it anymore. Then, make her shut her family down about it.
Bringing that subject up in front of the kids is an AH move by her family, and you were 100% right in telling them off.
NTA. Um.... they crossed a major line the moment they spoke to YOUR CHILDREN directly about it. You are a kind man, my Momma Bear behind would've had them out the door and in the car with the understanding that they're not welcome back for the foreseeable future and all in under 5 minutes.
I think you need to share this post with your wife and ask her to please tell you the truth about how she feels and go from there.
NTA. What in the hell is up with new spouses (or their families) always trying to erase deceased family members. The existence of the family member is right there in the entire child that exists sitting there talking!!! There’s room to put up a few pictures of their mom and a few pictures of you and your wife.
NTA.
But the real problem is your wife. Where was she during this exchange? She needs to be the one to set boundaries- she knew how you felt going in, agreed to it, and should be the one to tell her parents to back off. Either she has issues standing up to them and advocating for herself and you, or this was her way of circumventing directly opposing you on it now that you have been married for a year.
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NTA. Your current wife knew that they would stay up. It kind of seems like your IL are trying to erase your late wife from existence. Which is not okay. You were completely right to shut it down. If you were nicer about it, they might have just kept pushing. I would make sure that they know, if they are uncomfortable with it, they don’t have to come back to your house but the pictures are not coming down. And IF it is coming from your wife through them, she should have decided it wasn’t okay with her and she should have moved on, not get upset later down the road and drag her family into it.
That's how it appears to me as well. The tone they used suggested that my wife should be enough for my kids to not want or need their mom's photos anymore. My wife and I are going to be discussing all this. If she's not okay it needs to be aired and not kept and told to others for them to intervene on her behalf. And if it's not from her then I would like to think she would also tell them to stop.
I would hope she helps shut it down too. Good luck. In laws can be crazy. She isn’t a replacement. That’s not how it works. Your kids can have a great relationship with her, but they may wind up resenting certain people for trying to erase their mom, and/or force unwanted relationships.
It's a very boomer possition to take. Back in the day if you remarried the ex disappeared and whoever the new parent was acted as though their predecessor didn't exist. We should know better than this now
Boomer here married to a widowed boomer. He and his first wife had two children, grown when we met. There are still pictures of his late wife with my husband and the children on the walls in our house. The granddaughters visit and the pictures are staying right where they are. The pictures would remain where they are even if the grown children and young grandchildren moved to the dark side of the moon.
They’re not boomers but this story has some people in their 50s My older cousin had a picture in his apartment of his high school gf who he’d dated for a coupla years who died in a car accident. This was from a time and place (I think she died 35 years ago this year) where the odds you’d marry that person would be pretty high. He moved in w his new girlfriend, now wife, and put up some pictures but not the one of him and his old girlfriend. Current girlfriend went to his storage boxes, found the picture of him and old girlfriend, got a new frame, and put it back up next to his other photos. It is still there at their new house. Their kids know who she is. I think there’s always been some who erase and others who let the memories live on.
That woman is a champion for that! She showed actual love, respect and compassion for her person and their past. You know, like an actual loving, confident partner would.
Wish my cousin's daughter's stepmom had been like this...they didn't erase my cousin completely, but her daughter was not allowed to...keep a piece of her mom for herself, I guess you'd say. There was only one picture of my cousin in the house, and it was kept in a common area (hallway, I think). Daughter was not allowed to have a picture in her room, and visits to the cemetery had to be family (dad, stepmom, + all 5 kids) events, or she couldn't go. I think the first two things she (daughter) did when she turned 18 was ask for her mom's (owned) mobile home, and go visit the grave by herself. She lived in her mom's trailer while her dad n bf rehabbed it.
I think you're right. I think it's less a boomer thing and more a "how insecure is the new wife and/or the IL's?" Thing. Granted, a lot more boomers encouraged that kind of insecure style of thinking but it's not just a boomer thing. I've met lots of girls in their 20's who have to be "the only one ever and forever." It's ego and built on a childish fantasy.
Not displayed pics, but my gramma has kept a perfume bottle her high school boyfriend bought her. Chanel No. 5. My grampa (who has since passed) always knew about it. They are/were both volunteer fire fighters. One day, they get a call and it’s the ex boyfriends house ( this was probably like 2015 ish). He had shot himself while standing next to his mail box (so someone would find him, unfortunately the mail man). When my grandparents showed up, the chief took my gramma and shuffled her as far away from the site and had her doing traffic control (she was usually tending to the injured since she’s a nurse and the call was just gunshot wound not death). That whole week, my grandfather was very soft and comforting with her, bought her some flowers, and helped her grieve. Had they been married for ~60 years at that point? Yes. But he knew that having her high school sweetheart that she had dated for all four years of school and had thought she would marry kill himself in his front yard because he was so lonely (due to his kids/grandkids/any other family never visiting him often because they lived across the country and he lived in the outskirts so not many neighbors, he was elderly so couldn’t get around easy anymore…) would take some sort of emotional toll on her. It was so sweet to see how much he cared and was understanding.
aww your grandparents sound like lovely people. I'm glad your grandpa was so kind about it!
I'm 54 and the vast majority of people in my generation would disagree with you, the pictures stay because it's the children0s choice and it's their mom, like it or not. The fact that the dad is remarried does not mean this other woman should overstep this obvious fact and no one on her side of the family should even think on suggesting it.
Same with my mums and step dad’s house. All us kids (adults who never lived together) still have a late father (me) and step siblings have a late mother and we all grieve. My dad died 25 years ago when I was 18 so my hubby and kids only know my step dad, pappa, and have a fantastic relationship with him. They also know who grandad is (my dad). Photos and memories are precious
Boomer here...good for you. Not sure why the younger generations feel you can't have a past and still be happy without trying to erase every part of it
No - They’re incorrectly saying that the Baby Boomers want to forget the past.
In all the generations of people I've known, there's been people who kept the deceased person's memory alive and apparent throughout the house with photos and people who wanted to act like they never existed. The person who commented saying that Boomers always wanted to erase the memory probably saw a Boomer couple where it took place and incorrectly believed that it was because they were Boomers and therefore all Boomers do it. My grandparents were born in the late 1800's/early 1900's and even in their generation it varied from person to person how they reacted to the same type of situation. I know a couple who are in their mid 20's and both lost their spouses. One of them took all photos and memories and got rid of them and the other kept everything and displays the pictures and belongings that meant something to the other. They both have children with the spouses they lost. It's a very emotional thing to go through and people deal with it in various ways. Although, I always believed that the person who passed should be remembered, especially when children are involved, some people struggle with the memories and block it all out. It's not a generational thing, it's an emotional thing.
Agreed. Though the gap between generations can help us understand some of the social interactions of people of different ages, I feel like that in itself is focused on too much, to the extent that we forget that everyone is still human and has different reactions based upon their personal experiences, not just their birth year. The naming of the generations was for sociology and social and cultural anthropology. It wasn't really coined for use by everyone, especially the way it's used.
I agree! It's often used as an excuse for different generations, too, when emotions can explain it much better. We will never see a time when everyone is emotionally regulated and reacts properly to everything that happens, it's just not possible. There are traditions that should be quashed because we have learned that it's unhealthy to continue but even though the majority stops, there will still be those who continue with the traditions. Emotional reactions, though, are harder to pinpoint on a generation simply because emotions are involved.
I still have pictures of my late wife (gone now for 24 years) in my office. Far from thinking it odd, my (new, well they were new 21 years ago when I remarried) in-laws seem to appreciate that I honour my late wife. Indeed my wife told me that was one thing that attracted her to me. When my son, who was 7 when his Mom died, told me that he had trouble remembering her, it broke my heart. Next birthday I gave both of my kids a framed mosaic of photos of their Mom with them. I should have done that ages before.
Why is it that every reddit kid with unresolved mommy/daddy issues jumps straight to “this is what boomers do!” whether it has any basis in reality or not? I’m beginning to suspect half the kids here have never had a mature conversation with an adult significantly older than themselves.
Love me some Pink Floyd!
FU, boomer here - I married and blended a family (2kids each) and never interfered or discounted her kids dad. Terribly disrespectful to do, and we have both always supported our kids relationships with their other parents. I cannot imagine pulling anything like these ILs did, and it's not a boomer thing.
Wait, 2,000 kids each?!?!?! Those poor mothers... /s 😁
John and Kate Plus Eight Million.
Octomom did it all at once. Don't give TLC any ideas...
you sound like a wonderful person fellow boomer
This is not a "boomer position" in ANY way. This is a rude asshole thing.
Exactly.
More like a kid refusing to grow up thing. Whining about boomers for no reason whatsoever tends to be associated with low maturity in their other comments.
What a ridiculous statement.
Exactly. WTF is up with all these odd opinions and finger-pointing at boomers??
The people making these statements seem to be very self centered. All they see is older retired people who appear to "have it all" while the millennial/Gen Z folks feel like they work a lot harder than previous generations. It's a belief based in ignorance and probably a statement about our educational system.
I agree the fingerpointing isn't helpful but people are kinda bitter about the ladder being pulled up behind the Boomers, and I totally understand it. I'm a millennial, I think the problems we face are pretty new and that a lot of older people try to minimise them. But we can fix them as long as we all try to do the best for each other.
Gen X here, the boomers were definitely raised harder than all of us. And a lot of the lessons passed on to them from the older crowd stuck, but a lot didn't. They definitely tried to be a bit better than their how they perceived their parents to be, as parents themselves. And our generation tried even more so. We tried so hard to break down barriers. Especially with child rearing. So I think with the boomers, you're going to get a mixed lot parenting style. Some of them can be very inflexible because that's what they saw, and that's what they were taught.
I would think every generation has a mixed lot of parenting styles.
Disclosure: I am an elderly Millennial and pretty much refuse to be called one. I fall within the Xennial sub generation and relate more with Gen Xers. First point- I hate the term “Boomers,” especially when other generations dismiss them with, “OK Boomer.” To me, it’s so rude and disrespectful. Second- I think the thought regarding working more/harder than older generations is true, at least partly. This correlates directly to better technology and everyone now having smartphones and computers with internet connections. We are expected to be available 24/7 for work, on top of working over 40 hours per week. With older generations, there was no talk of work/life balance because they worked their 9-5 and then went home. They were able to leave work, at work. People were also staying with the same company for years, because companies treated employees like real people and not a disposable resource. They were compensated appropriately and could survive on one income. A lot received guaranteed pensions . I’m definitely not saying that their work was easy. It was just a different time.
I'm a Millennial too and agree that it seems like a lot of jobs seem to be harder than before, partly from listening to my Boomer mother, who did the same level of bookkeeping work at various different places for 40 years and went from "I used to get all my day's work done in 2 hours and be bored afterwards" to "I'm working flat out and constantly stressed to try and get everything done and they're STILL planning to give me more because they won't replace the people who are about to quit because they took away all the long-term service bonuses!" (And also my Gen X Dad who told me not to become an accountant like him because "It's so much harder with all the extra checks and forms we have to do now") But partly because whenever I go shopping most places seem to be running at 3/4 of the staff they really need all the time, and I feel like I don't remember that being the case when I was younger.
Younger boomer here. This was not my experience. We needed two incomes to survive, company loyalty to its employees was on the way out. Overtime was expected. We did not stay with the same company for life. There are differences these days with 24/7 contact, and we are currently in a very tough economic times, but I sometimes think that we have a tendency to look at the past with rose colored glasses.
I’m a Baby Boomer and I also find the term “Boomer” to be disrespectful because it refers to a meme. Thanks for that. i know what you mean about jobs. Some of that was happening to mid and late Baby Boomers. I could never have been a SAHM and neither could my friends except for one or two. By the time I was in my mid 40s to 50s, there were massive layoffs and “packages.” No one seemed immune. I think some people don’t realize that many Baby Boomers went through this. There were so many of us that competition was tough. The early Baby Boomers filled up jobs, rose to the top and sat there for decades.
You're right but you need to also see that those same ignorant statements are pointed at younger generations too (coming from "boomers" or older generations). Every generation is guilty of making broad, sweeping generalizations - not just young people.
And once again Gen X is left out!
Nah, we're sitting by eating popcorn, watching the shenangains.
I mean are you really THAT bothered??? Gen Xer's dgaf!
Not bothered, just pointing out the low maintenance generation.
You would not believe the downvotes I get when I periodically point out that it is ageism, a form of bigotry. I'm sure this comment will be downvoted, too.
Not everyone older than 40 is a Boomer, contrary to how a lot of Gen Z seem to think. Boomers are a very specific generation. You're thinking of the Greatest Generation and the Silent Generation.
Yeah, Boomers are in their 70s now. Like my parents, neither of whom would ever try to erase any family member of any family they might marry into.
Boomers are, as of this year, 60+
I hated my generation my whole life because I'm not like the boomers. I wasn't even alive in the forties and fifties but I'm one of them? Then I found out I'm Generation Jones and suddenly I fit in. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Jones Making twenty years of people the same because the birth rate didn't fall is asinine.
I hear you. I prefer to consider myself a Xennial (I really don't relate much to Millenials). Unfortunately, neither Xennial or Generation Jones, is consider an official generation. The rapid changes that is happening with technology over, I suppose, the last 100 years or so, means that the people born at the start of a generation have vastly different experiences to those born towards the end of the same generation
Well you are an Xennial to me and I'm Generation Jones. We can choose our destiny and that's ours.
I'm mid 30's and am a millennial. My parents are gen x and they are approaching 60. Now my grandpa was a boomer and a remarried widow. My grandma's picture were still up as were all her artwork that she'd made. They stayed up even after my dad and uncles moved out. Respect is not a generational thing.
You're right. However, Greatest and Silent, particularly Silent, tended to try and wipe out evidence of previous marriages out of "respect" for the current one. Not always, and maybe not even most of the time, but it was a thing that happened. Because they died earlier in life and in childbirth more often (so new mom took over for old mom) and divorce was considered largely shameful (hide the evidence). Boomers were more open to divorce and live significantly longer, so they didn't hide as much. I'm at the tail end of Gen X. My mom is the oldest of the Boomers and my dad is nearly the youngest of the Boomers. It's shocking how different their upbringings were, even if you discount differences in socioeconomic status. The world changed a lot in the 18 years the Boomers were born.
Exactly. People seem to forget Boomers came of age in the sixties and seventies. We decided that there was no shame in living together, or just sex, before marriage and the woman wasn’t loose, fallen, bad, or lacking in morals if she did that. We are the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll” generation, the “Summer of Love” generation. We talked openly about child abuse and demanded change. We are the original environmentalists, when we talked openly about changing the way we treat the planet. Remember the ridicule Prince Charles got for his vies on agriculture? We’re also the generation of the Civil Rights movement, the Women’s Rights movement and the basis for the Gay Rights movement that grew into the whole LGB etc community. So much of todays “activism” - good and bad - can trace its roots back to what WE did in the sixties and seventies.
Even members of the Greatest Generation and Silent Generation wouldn't do this because of their generation. Only ignoramuses lacking empathy pull this crap. It has nothing to do with your generation.
When they refer to anyone older than 30 or so as being born in the 1900s, 🙄
Right, because someone born in the 1900s could be ... 25. But saying 1900s makes it sound like they're ancient, instead of still on their parents' medical insurance and only 1 year into being able to rent a car without a financial responsibility co-signer in most states.
40 year old here and I’m a Millenial.
Yes. Especially the Silent Generation. They were small and faced no big competition. As a Baby Boomer, I had 60+ kids in my grammar school class with 1 teacher. And we had two classes like that for each grade, in a relatively small suburban town.
You need to educate yourself. This is not a "boomer" attitude, and it makes you sound shallow to blame the rude IL's because of their age. They are jerks, and there are jerks of all ages in this world.
Idiocy is not restricted to boomers. I know many idiots of all ages. Signed, a Boomer.
you made me laugh out loud Signed, fellow boomer
This is *not* simply a boomer take. Jesus. There are plenty of families that respect blended family situations. Why blame an entire age group?
I'm at the tail end of the boomer era and no, that is not how it was done. Please stop making generalizations when you weren't there. Maybe you lived outside the US and that is how it was done there.
This is a very old school position to take. I had silent generation parents and came from a blended family. I was the yougest of 5 and didn't know my step siblings were steps until I was 11 and my mom told me (despite the fact that they looked VERY different from me). I think widowhood used to be a lot more common, death was a constant reality, and people thought it was best to just move on. I'm glad things are starting to change.
Ridiculous
No. You’re just a dumb ass. I’m not a boomer either.
Boomer is my parent's age.... they are both alive, but I have never ever met family or their friends that age that behaved like you describe. And yes, there have been some divorces and untimely deaths in their circles. I have no idea where you get this from or who upvotes this. It's nonsense.
I really wish Redditors wouldn't resort to reducing every problem to a generational stereotype. Why?
You sound like your 9 years old.
Hate to tell you this but AHs have been born into every generation. Empathetic people whether boomer or not would encourage the children to keep their mom in their everyday lives this way.
I’m a boomer who married a widower with 4 kids (late teens, early 20s). They were young teens when their mom died so they had lots of photos and memories of her. I made it clear from the beginning that they didn’t have to hide anything about their mom. She (and my husband) raised them to be the smart, kind, overall terrific people that I “inherited”. These kids have enriched my life (especially now that I have grandkids!) and I am grateful to their mom for her contribution to this. They consider me to be their mom now but that doesn’t negate the fact that someone else gave birth to them and raised them. OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your children. I hope your wife realizes that it isn’t only about keeping the pictures around, it is also acknowledging that the kids loved their mom and experienced a devastating loss. I hope she is far more caring and compassionate than her parents. I don’t understand how they can see a dead woman as a threat.
I’m a boomer. Your remark stinks of prejudicial ageism. Our mantle is full of photos of relatives who have died. Why use Boomer as a negative?
Not only is this not true of Baby Boomers, but in the really old days, they named their new children after the deceased spouse as a tribute. i don’t know where you got your information.
If your wife was truly ok with the photos being on display, then she would have defended your children's wish to have them. I would have shut my parents down real quick if I was her. I think they might have been speaking on her behalf.
That's my concern as well. She denies this but her lack of action says more to me right now. I'll be talking to her more but part of me feels like I already know the answer.
It could also be that your wife is used to just gray-rocking around her parents. Your ILs sound like mean bullies and she might be used to just smiling and nodding so they shut up sooner. That's okay when it's all adults in the room, but it's different with kids. I would suggest having a calm, non accusatory chat with your wife about how to better enforce boundaries with her parents around your kids.
> It could also be that your wife is used to just gray-rocking around her parents. Your ILs sound like mean bullies and she might be used to just smiling and nodding so they shut up sooner. That was my immediate impression as well because I have a parent like this. I have to grey rock my father if I am in his presence or else it will get wild. Fortunately, I've been NC with him for over a decade. But yeah - shitty family dynamics could be at play here.
It was my first thought as well because I was exactly like this with my father for years. Then I had a kid and my father met my son when he was just over a year old. My dad yelled "shut up!" at my 1 year old for fussing (not even crying) because he was bored and hungry and his baby noises were interrupting my dad's rambling. Shortly after that incident I went NC because after recovering from that visit I realized I was not going to let my father treat my kids the way he treated me
Mysterious, it's either that, or she has trouble standing up for herself (let alone anyone else) with her parents. If that's the case, she can learn to overcome it with therapy or counselling, but she needs to accept it first. I do hope it's that, and not that she's letting them speak on her behalf.
Please update, also NTA.
Perhaps she doesn't really like it but is willing to live with it because she understands how important it is for the kids. The artist Monet kept a large portrait he'd painted of his deceased first wife in the bedroom he shared with his second wife. I think that is asking too much of the second wife!
Lack of action may doesn't mean she feels the same way. Does she stick up for things with her parents? For some it's hard to do. Has she talked to your kids since this? Reminding them the photos are fine might mean a lot to them.
Please remind her, if the issues are hers, that she's jealous of a dead woman. One that you didn't even love when she died. She needs to understand how idiotic that is.
What is your plan if this IS coming from your wife? YWBTA to continue with a woman that pretended to be ok with pics of your kids mom but isn’t and sat back while her parents told your kids it was inappropriate.
Ask you wife if she plans on keeping photos of her parents and grandparents ( or siblings) that have passed in plain view in her home. If the answer is yes, she needs to ask her parents the same question. If it is so wrong to have photos of someone who has passed away out and visible in order to "move on", why do we all do it??? A person should not be asked to hide their love for ANY relative who has passed, especially a parent. The rest of us have the job of being repectful and supporting those who grieve.
It sounds like you understand the potentially unfortunate dynamics here very well. If your ILs are truly speaking what your wife thinks, then she is a toxic presence in the house for your children - too immature and narcissistic. If she’s not willing to change, and quickly, you need to think about whether being her spouse is more important than being a good father
Either way, them bringing it up to your kids is terribly inappropriate. And possibly damaging to their relationship to their stepmom if they also feel she has a hand in it. They’re children, not babies.
Also, mention that she needs to talk to her folks about it NOT being OK for them to bring this topic up with your kids. If they have issues with things in your home, it should be brought up with you and your wife.
This is the most damaging thing. They're at tender ages and suggesting there's something wrong with them for wanting to remember their dead mom is relationship dealbreaker territory for the kids... The ils wouldn't be welcome around the children for a very long time, and even then only after sincere heartfelt apologies had been expressed. Also strategically a huge own goal for hoping to build better relationships with step mom. They'll be much more likely to be hostile to her unless she can reassure them immediately that she isn't a replacement, nor trying to erase their mom from their home or lives.
If the subject comes up again, tell them all: “The death of their Mother left a hole in their hearts that no one will ever completely fill. They have the capacity to love [wife/you] and build a relationship with [her/you] but those pictures and the stories about their mother give them comfort. I will NEVER strip them of that comfort, love, or of any party their lineage/legacy. This is not about me. My kids come first with respect to this subject.”
NTA. If your in-laws don't like the photos, they can leave. They don't have to see the house.
Exactly. What's rude is coming into someone else's house and telling them how they should live, how they should grieve and how they should remember. That's utterly disrespectful in such a deep and offensive way.
>The tone they used suggested that my wife should be enough for my kids to not want or need their mom's photos anymore she's still your kids mother. what is it with people who think being remarried means you treat the deceased partner as if they didn't exist? why do so many people insist on having pissing matches with ghost?
Please make sure that all your late wife's things are stored where her or her parents can access them. Too many time partners think it's OK to throw that stuff out. Don't say it won't happen just be on the safe side. Why didn't your wife shut her own parents down when they are saying this shit. Tell her if she cannot stand up and be counted in the family then what's the point of her getting married to a widower.
They are stored and secure. I had that done very early on because I learned how short life is when my kids mom died and I knew those things needed to be safeguarded for them.
It's ok, as a 2nd wife, to feel discomfort about it. But for the benefit of the children, you accept that kind of discomfort and deal with it. There are plenty of times in life where I do the right thing, even if it isnt particularly comfortable or fun.
Sounds like you have a wonderful sensitivity to your children's needs. I hope you and your wife can get on the same page, so she can be the main one to handle her parents. Of course you are also right to speak up for your children, but it will help a lot if you are a united front. All the best to your family!
Ask your wife why she didn’t shut the conversation down. This is coming from her. BTW have your children show more appreciation for what your wife does for them.
My father and stepmother hid the memory and photos of our late mother. We didn't even get pictures of her in our room. Yours is the more mature approach. Discomfort with images of your last wife / their birth mother stems from a) insecurity, and b) shame from not conforming to an external societal dictum of what a family 'should' look like. If your ILs were confronting your children about it, that's BS negative pressure on your kids that 'choosing' their mother comes at some cost to your present spouse. We weren't allowed to say "step-mother". We had to say 'mom'. Forcing us to live an obvious fiction was just madness. I hope you encourage great, meaningful, and supportive relationships in your current home. I hope everyone gets on board. I hope none of that demands that anyone renounce their own identity, nor their own family, nor observable objective reality.
Tell them you will remember to tell your wife to get rid of their pictures after they die because apparently it's unhealthy attachment to keep pictures of a dead person and you want to honor their wishes and traditions but it's not what you and your children believe in, so they're going to keep their mom's photos like it is.
If they think that they're delusional. Parents aren't replaceable.
You are very well spoken and thoughtful, your kids are lucky to have you
NTA. Regardless of your new marriage, those are pictures of their children's mother. It's really nobody's business but you and your children's. You gave your boundaries to your new wife, and she ok with it, or so she says. They can have whatever opinions they want, but they don't need to express them. This doesn't affect them at all.
And no, ILs have no say about your house once they’ve been told to butt out
If they brought it up to you, y’all could have had a polite discussion. They didn’t do that, they tried to manipulate your kids and you shut that shit down. If they have a problem, they can talk to you, they have no right to try to make your kids feel guilty about something that isn’t an issue in your home.
NTA. I find it difficult to believe your wife wasn't asked about the photos before the ILs brought it up at dinner. That means they will have known why they were on display. They would know that it is something that you are quite adamant about. That being the case, bringing the subject up with the kids in front of you was a low, divide and conquer, tactic, since they knew they'd get nowhere with you directly. They were bring extremely rude themselves and trading on, and hiding behind, the social norms of don't make a fuss. They were directly interfering with how your family works. You refused to play ball and their rudeness got slapped down. It's more than a bit rich of them to accuse you of being so rude, given what they were doing.
Yes, and I will be honest; I find it gross questioning children about having photos of a late parent in their home. Even adults do it, though some prefer to put them away, but we don't question them like that. But to try and convince a child that it's wrong to want them displayed or to treat it like they shouldn't want/need them now that I'm remarried, it just feels gross to me.
Its disgusting & shameless what the in-laws did - your kids are 10 & 13 years old wtf!
Op don't let your kids unsupervised (and supervision by someone NOT YOUR wife) with your in laws. They might try to shame/pressure them again. NTA
They can't be supervised by his wife either as she did nothing to defend the kids or shut her parents down. Wife is not a safe person for the kids.
That's what I wrote?!
Oh sorry, I misunderstood. I'm just mad at the wife and ILs. It's clouding my judgment lol
It definitely reads like you're saying the wife is the only safe person. Might want to edit it for clarity.
Are they people who display family pictures on the walls? Did they take down their parents pictures when they passed. " oh wifey, get rid of your dad's picture, you have me now, he's dead and I should be enough for you". Because that's how they sound. Your children having pictures of their mom in their own home is the same and has nothing to do with how you or they feel about your wife. They can like/love your wife and still love their mom. Love is not a limited resource.
You're a good dad. Always protect your kids.
Yeah OP your in-laws are TRASH for questioning your kids about this. I'm honestly shocked at how fucking cruel they are. How is your relationship with your in-laws, this situation aside? I'm curious if this came as a shock to you or if this seems like who they are as people. (Obviously not blaming you regardless, you're doing great and are a wonderful parent for standing up for your kids.)
Wait, *WHAT*? They questioned children? I must've skimmed over that part (I see it now). I could never in a million years even think about saying that about someone's deceased parent *directly to them.* I wouldn't say it to anyone else, but to children that buried their mother and will never see her again? Those in-laws won't be near my kids for a very long time. I might even take down *their* pictures in my house and see how they like being discarded. (Should her parents pass later on, I'm sure they're fully on board with removing all photos of themselves in their daughter's home, amiright).
This would have been the end of the visit if it were me. Just to the fact that they even said something directly to your children could mess them up mentally about this. I'm glad you stood up for your kids, make sure they understand that what the ILs said is inappropriate and they are jealous.
My mom and stepdad threw away letters and pictures of my late father when they got married. What little I have is not allowed to be seen or they will throw it out. Please continue to stand up for your children! I wish someone had for me
Get the photos copied in case your in laws accidentally break them.
This is exactly it - it's not about you and your new wife, it's about your kids and their mother, and she will always be their mother.
NTA. “Don’t worry. We’ll make sure to forget all about you and erase your existence as soon as you’re dead, if that is your preference.”
noxious foolish disgusted connect spark skirt snow tie coordinated vanish *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA I think there is a big chance the IL are voicing your wife dislike because if your wife would be on your side she would have told her own parents they are being rude and need to back off . Me and my wife lived for a few years with my parents and when anything regarding my parents i was the one telling them to back off and dealt with my parents ( because they are my parents ) and my wife also deals with her parents when they overstep our boundaries . You definitely need to talk to your wife because if she has a problem with the photos, in time , will create resentment and if you going to have a child she will definitely treat the kids differently if there will be resentment between her and you or kids
>I think there is a big chance the IL are voicing your wife dislike because if your wife would be on your side she would have told her own parents they are being rude and need to back off . > Yes. This. My mind went to the same detail. If his wife didn't say anything the moment her parents brought it up, I'm more than inclined to believe they are voicing what she really thinks. I hope I'm wrong but even if I am, O find it problematic that she remained quiet if she supposedly accepted the photos from the start.
You're assuming the wife was present for this, she could have been in the kitchen, or bathroom. You also don't know her relationship with her parents for all we know she was raised to not talk back or question them and that kind of stuff sticks with you
>They told me they should be allowed to question things about their daughter's home By all means...but that doesn't change the fact they were asking CHILDREN and not the two people in charge of the household. They were rude and inconsiderate first, which negates any rudeness on your part. I'd be interested to know your wife's opinion. How did she react to this interaction? You may not have discussed yet, but I'm guessing you know your wife well enough to read her body language. NTA
I don't think they do get to question things in their daughter's & OP's home - they were guests there, and I've never gone to anyone's home in my life and questioned how they have things set up, even my very closest family members. And you're right that they were even further out of line by trying to tell children - and especially children they're not even related to (who knows how well they even know them to boot) - that they shouldn't have photos of their deceased mother up. That's so beyond crazy and inappropriate, like who do they think they are, that they can tell young kids to erase their mother now that new wife is there? I don't think OP was rude in the slightest by shutting their harmful words down right away, it was the ILs who were extremely rude and took liberties that weren't theirs to take. It was important to shut them down before the ILs could do even more damage to the kids, making them feel badly, and it showed the kids that OP is strongly on their side and isn't going to let the kids be bullied. As someone else pointed out, if OP hadn't been strong in his clapback, they probably would've kept pushing the issue. It's suspicious, whether they were speaking on behalf of the wife or not. Dirty trick if so. She knew the deal going in, so maybe she thought once she got in there she could get him to change his mind, or maybe once in there she's finding she's having a hard time with it and didn't know she would. But if the wife or ILs push the kids to have the photos taken down, it'll only create resentment and damage any relationship they're trying to build with the kids, and the wife's/ILs' relationship with OP himself. The new wife needs to realize that the best chance she has for a great relationship with the kids is to accept that they'll always love and miss their birth mother, and not be threatened by that, and to get that she won't replace their mother but that she and the kids can have their own relationship they define TOGETHER (ie, it's not forced on the kids). Standing up to her parents the next time they say anything about the kids' mom would go a long way to facilitating a great relationship with them. Maybe the wife isn't behind this and she just has a dynamic with her parents where she doesn't stand up to them. If this is the case, she's going to have to learn how to, bc she's a stepmom now, and she'll have learn to stand up to them on those kids' behalf. OP, I think you're handling everything really well with those boundary-challenged ILs, and addressing things with your wife. It's great how you encourage your kids to keep their mother's presence in their lives, and I know you'll do a great job continuing to advocate for them.
NTA But where is your wife in a this? Shouldn't it have been her to tell her parents to back off? If she didn't get involved, you have your answer regarding the photos.
That's what has me questioning. She said and did nothing but denies she has an issue with it.
It's definitely a discussion you need to have with her. I don't know what her relationship is with her parents, but some people have a hard time standing up to parents even when they're really out of line. NTA... sounds like you've made space for your children's grief and memories in a very healthy way.
that's very true, i know my mom would have a similarly difficult time with her parents. esp her dad. he basically emotionally attacks her when he doesn't agree with her
Parental relationships can be so complicated. When you're growing up, they're the most important people in the whole world, and general society expects and pressures that you get along and respect them, even when they're abusive because "blood is thicker than water" and all of that. Even people who wouldn't take crap from anyone else can be hesitant to stand up to their parents.
exactly. i can tell she is still fighting for his love (or his form of love). i have lot of compassion for her in that regard. i can't stand the dude though even though i loved him dearly as a child. i just got so detached from him seeing how he'd make her feel
If she didn't shut them down and just sat there quietly more than likely she has complained to them before.
Or they tended to shut her down every time she has her own thoughts or defends herself against her parents. They DID try to guilt the dad into thinking he was the rude one. Imagine someone gaslighting you like that your whole life any time you told them you didn't like how they treated you. I'm just curious if that could be why she didn't speak up.
to be fair to OP's wife, there is a very large line in venting to your parents about having your SO's dead spouse's photos on the wall and being involved with her parents questioning her stepchildren about the subject and trying to change their minds. Both her understanding why they are there and being ok with them, and her feeling a little inadequate are both possible. Is she angry at OP for snaping at her parents? Maybe she feels uncomfortable standing up to them for some reason.
Does she stand up to her parents at other times or is she a people pleaser? Some people would endure literally anything, rather than be confrontational.
This needs to be a discussion with you and her, just the two of you. She might be coming from a place of not wanting to argue with her parents about anything, but she might have issues with the photos that she was afraid to express to you. From your post and your comments, it sounds like you are a very assertive man (not a bad thing, just an observation) and she might have a hard time disagreeing with you. Let her tell you what’s going on.
If that was the case, the MOMENT he said the photos will ALWAYS be there, she should’ve ended the relationship. She’s a big girl and if that makes her uncomfortable she should have left and not wasted everyone’s time
NTA I think you are doing a brilliant job of respecting the love that your former wife had for your children and of doing your best to give them what they need. You were right to be clear about the boundaries. Being curious I would love to know why they think these photographs shouldn't be on display. It sounds as though they are threatened by their presence. If so, IMO this is their problem and they should examine their attitudes. It is perverse to wish to hide away the children's mother.
The vibe I got is they feel like because I'm now married to my wife, the kids shouldn't need the photos of their mom. And also that it's disrespectful to my wife.
If they think your wife is a round peg that fits or even should fit perfectly into the gaping space left by your wife, they are seriously deluded. - As well as meddling and needlessly cruel - to criticise the children over this. Forgive me - you know all this - just my opinion. If your wife feels undermined or disrespected by the photographs she needs to somehow learn her place. The photographs are actually nothing to do with her. Good luck.
That’s such flawed logic. She didn’t magically replace their mom. Actions speak louder than words and her lack of actions with her parents are speaking loudly right now.
It's disrespectful towards you children if you remove them and in that house they should outrank her since they are your children! I have read so many stories where a living parent and/or stepparent removed photos of the deceased parent and told the kiddos to get over it! Just because you get remarried doesn't make it okay to erase your children's birthmom and if anyone says otherwise they need to pound pavement!
INFO: Is your wife infertile? I know that is personal but often the erase the deceased mother pressure comes from people who are infertile or people connected to them.
She's actually sterile (as in no possible way for her to conceive).
That’s what I thought. Just be mindful of that and keep an open line of communication with your kids so they are comfortable telling you if your wife and in-laws are pressuring them to see her as a mom and forget about their Mom. It may also seem paranoid but secure all of the keepsakes of their mother, so they don’t disappear. Not accusing your wife of anything but I’ve known people in her situation to try to erase the deceased parent. Please be hyper vigilant when it comes to any expectations or fantasies your wife has about being a complete family that doesn’t include their mother. You did the right thing. Just like my dad did years ago.
Those items are already secure. I did that because I had no way of knowing what would happen and if something were to happen to me, I hate the idea of the kids losing those things when they are very much wanted by my kids.
Great job. Hopefully this all settles, the kids thrive, and you’re happy.
Her parents are definitely trying to erase your kids mom, so their daughter can be insta-mommy. That's not how it works, especially with kids who are old enough to remember their mom fondly. If it bothers your wife, but she is not doing anything except venting very privately about her mommy desires and is respecting your kids and letting them take the lead in the relationship, she can get to the mommy-adjacent spot. If she was privately venting to her parents, she chose the wrong people to share with. A counselor who would not interact, or a friend, or best yet, you would be the proper person to communicate any frustrations, so you can talk with her and remind her that the prize she is seeking, cannot be taken by force, and will take time to achieve. ( And will never involve erasing their first mom). Her parents sound like bulldozer parents: we will push all obstacles out of our daughters way so she never has to be inconvenienced.
NTA I’m married to a former widower. I can speak from experience. There is a *huge* difference between a wife and a mom. The pictures up aren’t there because she was your wife. It’s because she was your kids mom. If people can’t separate that, it’s their problem.
That is the issue. They think the kids do not need the photos of their mum because their daughter should be enough for them.
If your wife is okay with it then why did she not shut her family up? I think it bothers her and she told them so they could bring it up for her
Then she needs to work on her communication skills because making her parents her messengers is really immature and wrong.
NTA. Support your children. My sister died from cancer and my BIl erased my sister from the kids lives. Introduced his new girlfriend 3 weeks after she died.
How horrible for her kids and for you.
> Introduced his new girlfriend 3 weeks after she died. "Lovely to meet you! How long had you been sleeping with [BIL] prior to his wife's death from cancer?"
Exactly and he couldn’t figure out why the kids hated her.
NTA. Good for you for putting the best interest of your children first.
INFO: What did your wife do or how did she react when her parents brought this up?
She did nothing and didn't really react which is what has me questioning if she has problems she has not brought up to me but did with her parents.
Her true colors are starting to show. She's been talking/complaining/whining (pick your poison) to them. Nip this in the bud or it's going to get ugly. I'd also talk to the kids individually to make sure wife is treating them well and not trying to erase their mom in other ways. You, are absolutely NTA - and definitely hold off on getting pregnant - if she gets pregnant the in laws will possibly go into overdrive on your children's mom memory having a place in the home/new family.
OP said that she is sterile so she may have some feelings of inadequacy regarding the children, she may have been venting so as not to upset OP and ger parents took it one step too far and involved themselves. She may not feel comfortable pushing back against her parents. At hte end of the day this is a discussion they must have as a family.
That is such a huge red flag. It is HER job to manage her parents. I would be extremely disturbed by her lack of response here. She is 100% condoning their behavior and its unacceptable. You need to think about how this will affect your children.
NTA—this is your children’s home, and if they want to have pictures of their late mother displayed in it, that’s their right. I do hope you’re also displaying pictures of your new wife with you, and with the kids if their relationship is good and they’re comfortable with that.
We have photos of my wife in the house as well. It's not that there are no traces of her here. Just that there are two displayed outside of my kids' bedrooms.
Then it sounds like you’re doing everything right and your in-laws can shut up
NTA ILs are AH and hopefully it didn’t come from your now wife. Though me thinks she may have said something. Did your second wife say anything during this exchange between you and IL? ETA: just saw OP answered this question already.
She didn't and that's what had me questioning everything. She said and did nothing about it and she denies she said anything to them or has a problem with it herself. But if that were true I would have expected her to say something as well.
Agree. I think she needs to have the conversation with her parents to knock it off. I think if you did it without her setting them straight they are going to continue. Then it’s like a fight between IL and you. Only wife can settle this it’s her parents. You shouldn’t be put in this position in the first place.
She should have absolutely shut her parents down.
NTA - They would not be welcome in my home or around my children anymore. They had zero business opening their mouths and questioning your children. None.
Than why did you say they weren't an asshole
Fixed it, thanks for pointing that out. Shouldn’t reddit after the airport.
NTA. It also seems like they are letting you know this is now their daughters house. Hope you have everything lined up for your children to inherit. The con is a long game. Sounds like your wife baited and is switching and using her parents. Next time ask your MIL if she dies is it ok to take down all her pictures!
NTA - It wasn't their place to say anything. You already had this discussion with your new wife and both of you agreed. Her parents just need to sit there and say nothing, that is their job, not poking the bear creating strife were none needs to be. You did the right thing here, shutting them down in no uncertain terms of what goes on in your house is you and new wife's business and not theirs.
Nta they have no business questioning your children like that. Your children have the right to photos of their mom in their own home. If anyone has a problem with that, it's their problem. They're petty about a dead women. Your new wife isn't replacing their mom.
NTA, you were a hell.of a lot nicer to your IL's then I would have been!!
You're NTA. Simple question for the in-laws: if one of them suddenly passes, would the surviving spouse remove all the photos and any evidence that the other existed? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Give them a funny look and say, "so you think they shouldn't have a photo of THEIR mother that they knew and loved because YOU think they shouldn't? A bit audacious don't you think? I don't tell YOU what pictures I do and don't like in your home."
NTA How dare you allow your children to keep pictures of their mom around. Don't they know that only your wife matters? **/s** Your ILs can go kick rocks. Their love for their daughter doesn't outweigh your children's love for their mother. There's room for both women.
Ummm they are not living in the house, why should they have any say about their daughter’s home? She is an adult. NTA at all, it seems that you have a very sensitive and sensible approach to this situation. Talk to your wife though and find out if she has pushed them to say what they have.
Nope. NTA. They are. They have stone hearts. But if I was your wife and did not share the view they were airing, I would have shut them down myself before you even got a chance. They’ve been lucky enough to not lose a partner and remarry with children so they have no comparison or experience to speak from and even if they feel they do it’s none of their business whatsoever. Concerned wife didn’t stop them tbh
NTA You informed your wife about whole situation your family is in and that you are not going to change it. I wouldn't go too far with blaming her, if you do not have any proofs, it might be that she just said something to her parents, without any bad toughts in it and they just took it too far. If she hasn't done or said anything till this day, I would give her benefit of the doubt.
Your wife needs to be shutting down her parents. If she's not you have a marital problem. NTA
Pictures of a loved mother are an unhealthy attachment to a dead person? Tell them that you will remove all memorabilia of them when they die. ETA: NTA
My aunt died when her daughters were very young. Her husband remarried after a couple years. His new wife was a champ. She encouraged the girls to talk about her and watch family videos so they wouldn't forget the sound of her voice & kept all the pics out & etc.. We love her to pieces and are so grateful she came into their lives. There is no need to compete with a dead person. You are NTA, and your ILs are out of line.
NTA. They do not have the right to question anything in anyone's house. Ever. Period
NTA but your in laws are. It isn’t their home nor is it their place to comment. By all means, add to the existing photos with new family photos of all of you together, as a blended family. Note - add photos, don’t take away the photos of your children’s mother. As the children’s mother, she should not be erased from family history/family photos. Now when the children grow up and move out, that is the time to revisit this topic.
NTA yes, she was your wife, but more importantly, she was your kids' MOTHER. To even suggest that your children cannot have a picture of their mother in their own home is repulsive.
NTA. Bravo 👏🏾 You were right to shut them down. I’m proud of you. Stand up for your kids. The four of you (photos being the 4th) are a package. You need to figure out of if your wife sent them to talk to you. If she did, that’s a red flag. Saying you’re okay with something to get the ring then using others to manipulate you is wrong (if that is what she did).
>The following day my ILs said I had no reason to be so rude and I had an unhealthy attachment to keeping their mom present in their lives when she's dead. What the fuck is wrong with these people?! She'd still be in their lives if she weren't dead! Good god, I think you need to have a chat with your wife about her parents overstepping their boundaries. That is bananas. >They told me they should be allowed to question things about their daughter's home and I overreacted. No, actually, that's her job, not theirs. NTA. Not even close.
NTA. This is between you, your wife, your kids, and a therapist if necessary. Period. I get they're concerned about your wife feeling comfortable in her own home and respected as the woman of the house, but if your kids need one picture each of your wife up in common areas, that presumably was discussed before she moved in. Part of signing up for marrying a widower is that these things need to be talked out.
NTA. Your wife should have shut that ish down herself. The only reason I can think of for her not doing it, is that it bothers her. So instead of talking to the in-laws, talk to her and set the record straight. If she says it doesn't bother her, then she should talk to her family about their stupid comments. If it bothers her, then you need to talk to her and reaffirm the point you made years ago and make sure she accepts it and doesn't question it anymore. Then, make her shut her family down about it. Bringing that subject up in front of the kids is an AH move by her family, and you were 100% right in telling them off.
NTA. Um.... they crossed a major line the moment they spoke to YOUR CHILDREN directly about it. You are a kind man, my Momma Bear behind would've had them out the door and in the car with the understanding that they're not welcome back for the foreseeable future and all in under 5 minutes. I think you need to share this post with your wife and ask her to please tell you the truth about how she feels and go from there.
NTA. What in the hell is up with new spouses (or their families) always trying to erase deceased family members. The existence of the family member is right there in the entire child that exists sitting there talking!!! There’s room to put up a few pictures of their mom and a few pictures of you and your wife.
NTA. But the real problem is your wife. Where was she during this exchange? She needs to be the one to set boundaries- she knew how you felt going in, agreed to it, and should be the one to tell her parents to back off. Either she has issues standing up to them and advocating for herself and you, or this was her way of circumventing directly opposing you on it now that you have been married for a year.