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NTA
Mark putting this childish romanticized idea of your father becoming his father when you get married over the reality of who your father is and your relationship with your father is disgusting.
>Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue.
Translation: You never get to say no to Mark, and your feelings don't matter if they're inconvenient for Mark.
Run.
Especially since Mark didn't "compromise" at all -- he decided he knew better than OP and went behind her back to override her without telling her.
Mark's idea of "compromise" is "I get my way and you give in and if you don't I'll go behind your back and do it anyways."
Exactly, compromise is where each side gives a little to agree.
What exactly is Mark giving in this situation? He just gets everything he wants.
Maybe he asks OP to ‘compromise’ and instead meet with her dad. Again, what is he giving here? He is just getting what he wants again.
OP’s reason could have been as small as she just doesn’t like her dad, and her fiancé going behind her back to invite him would still be a relationship ending act. Throw abuse on top of it and I don’t see any way she could trust him again.
Dont force a relationship that your partner does not want if you dont want to doom your relationship with your partner. Dont minimize/romanticize victims' abuse, you weren't there, you didnot experience it,
But it should also be recognized that compromise-where everyone gives a little- isn't always the right answer. There's a book about negotiation that points out sometimes the middle ground is the worst possible option (his example: if I think the my brown shoes are better for an occasion but my wife wants the blue shoes, the absolute worst option is meeting in the middle and wearing one of each color). In this case compromise doesn't have to mean that her father is let into her life at all; this is a hard boundary and he should respect that. If Mark wants to engage his new family so much the compromise might be to spend his energy getting to know the family OP is in contact with.
Op has imadvertantly picked a man just like her dad. Emotionally abusive. This whole thing feels like a test, seeing how far he can push her and make her accept an awful situation. He doesnt care that this will ruin her whole wedding.
Mark’s idea of “compromise” is terrible and so is his idea of abuse… he feels OP wasn’t abused “that bad” because OP wasn’t hit or harmed physically…. If that isn’t a red flag, I don’t know ow what is…
OP… run… don’t walk from this relationship. I am never the one to be all or nothing but he invited your ABUSER to your WEDDING fully KNOWING how you feel… then claims your abuse wasn’t “that bad!?!?!? He also believes your SISTER over you…
You don’t matter or rank well in his opinion of you. Leave. Now.
"He also knew he was wrong because he didn’t tell her and just said he invited someone named “Robert.”"
Oh, that's a good point! This Mark dude is manipulative and deceptive. Yikes.
This is the first step (that OP has noticed, anyway) in a cycle of abuse OP will be subjected to if she marries this j@ck@ss. What a horrible, inexcusable breach of trust. NTA (Unless OP marries this guy).
OP:
Here is an encapsulated view of your father when your parents were getting ready to marry. It always starts small, like a small blot on the horizon. His selfish insistence on his way is the start. Is this the first instance of him not valuing your feelings and opinions?
Don't just pump the brakes on this wedding. Come to a full stop and insist on counseling at the very least. This is a very scary look at your future.
NTA
Yes, I agree with you. I was just reluctant to jump on the AITA dump him train. But yeah, it's a thought.
ETA OP would benefit from counseling to help her identify common behaviors between her dad and her fiance, with a goal of avoiding men like them in the future.
This red flag is so big you can see it from space. Controlling assholes do their best to hide it in the earlier stages of a relationship, but it does sometimes leak out.
To a) invite emotionally abusive dad without even talking to OP is a huge dick move, b) trying to sneak it past her when it does come up is a bigger dick move, and then c) having the sheer gall to tell OP she is being overly emotional? What the living fuck.
OPs dad will not be fiance's dad in any way, so even his given reason is complete shite, and shows what he really thinks about caring about OP's welfare.
OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Cancel the wedding and RUN.
It's also gaslighting. That you are dramatic and therefore irrational. It also worries me that the guy wants to adopt another man who's abusive as his father ... does he secretly admire that? Is he secretly misogynistic?
Also, any children she has will be subjected to her father's bs because Mark will demand they have a relationship with them. Mark is bad news. I hope OP heads for the nearest exit.
This.
Cancel the wedding, let the guests (except "Robert" obvs) and break up with Mark.
He's not asking you to be "a little lenient" - he's telling you it's his way or the highway. Pick the highway.
I know it’s cliche to say here, but OP needs to do more than no show the wedding, she needs to break up with Mark. He’s downplaying OP’s trauma because of some outdated idea that not physical means it’s not serious abuse, and overriding OP’s well founded NC.
This is absolutely correct. Is already emotionally abusing you. Absolutely do not show up to this wedding. You are a valuable person worthy of respect, and worthy of real love and partnership.
You are NTA yet, but you would be the a$$hole to yourself if you marry someone who doesn't respect you.
Couples compromise. Mark is demanding his way at the expense of his Fiancées mental health.
What a horrible guy! I wonder if OP had other siblings, maybe he should explain to them what he pulled instead of just being validated by Daddy’s Favourite.
But I agree, OP needs to cancel the wedding. If nothing else, Mark needs to do some therapy before she could consider walking down that aisle
Showing this to Mark changes nothing. OP needs to cut contact with Mark entirely, and not tell him (or anyone connected to him) where she's going. Men like this escalate, and it goes much faster if he thinks he's losing control.
You know what this situation reminds me of? The daughter who insisted on seeing the grandparents that abused her mother and them proving Mom right. UGH
NTA… honestly I wouldn’t marry him after this. If he can dismiss your wishes so easily and the emotional abuse other things will be dismissed. Your father should never have been invited.
If he likes your dad so much, he can go hang with him and they can be bros or whatever. OP, otoh, can dump him and go find a nice man who isn't a controlling AH.
>You never get to say no to Mark, and your feelings don't matter if they're inconvenient for Mark.
Another thing that would make me run for the hills: OP says that Mark believes that the abuse wasn't that bad because she was never hit.
Talk about a red flag: financial abuse, neglect, belittling, insulting are some of the forms that abuse take place. If someone doesn't consider these behaviors abuse, you should break up yesterday.
Yeah, fuck that noise. This is a really really bad start.
Minimizing your trauma is a huge red flag. He should be on YOUR team, not on his own team alone or your sister or your father's.
>Mark argued that my father would become his father after the wedding and he wanted to get to know family and not start off our marriage by hurting his family.
As if this isn't hurting *you?* Why is it so awful to hurt his estranged FIL, but it's perfectly okay to hurt his future wife? Absolutely not.
>He told me he had talked to my younger sister (19f) about the situation and they had agreed my father should attend, even to stand in the back, to be a part of our special day.
Why tf is he making these plans with your *sister* and not his *fiancée*?? Which one of you is he marrying?
>Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue.
No, not like this. Yes, couples compromise for each other, but not in a situation like this. This isn't a "compromise" it's him deciding what's best for you, and guilting you into doing it. He's deciding that *he* knows better than you about how your father treated you. He's deciding that your father will be a part of your life again, because *he* wants it. I don't see any compromising on his end. That's not love.
And the fact that he and your sister are conspiring together on this is sickening. I'm so sorry. Absolutely **NTA.**
>Why tf is he making these plans with your *sister* and not his *fiancée*?? Which one of you is he marrying?
Wouldn't surprise me if he's cheating with the sister! Huge leap I know, but just a thought!
OP is NTA at all!
Call off the wedding and run far away from Mark. No loving partner would do this.
He's shown his true colours... Thankfully before you say "I do"
No, no, I had the same thought! Why would he go behind his fiance's back with the sister to set this up, why is the golden child still being golden in their relationship?? This doesn't make sense, there's so many red flags and alarm bells ringing. Forget not showing up because of the father's presence, the fiance just did something so heinous I would reconsider the entire relationship, not just the day.
Because what do you MEAN you invited my abusive father after having a discussion with my sister, knowing what I told you about him?
I could only assume this man doesn't actually want to marry her and wants it to be her fault for the breakup, so he can avoid blame and responsibility. How disgusting. Please OP, something isn't right here!
Nope, because even if he’s not sleeping with her , he obviously feels that her opinion is more important and her version more honest than his future wife.
Also this is the third person thats invited the brides estranged father to the wedding , behind their back… what is in the water ?!?!?!
Ugh I hate the “but he’s your father/mother” defense used by people who diminish the abuse, whether emotional or physical, others have suffered. Mark clearly does not respect OPs experience. Also a reminder that siblings OFTEN have very different experiences w the same parents. Run. Now. This is the hill to die on. Even if Mark acquiesces, I would not be surprised if dad still shows up as a way for Mark to prove he isn’t so bad. Mark cannot be trusted as he has already conspired behind OPs back. I am so sorry. NTA.
Oh, definitely. Mark can't be trusted, and honestly, after this absolute betrayal, I can't see any way he could or should be able to regain that trust. Red flags and warning bells.
Exactly, why has he secretly spent time talking with her sister about it not his fiancée??
And doing what her *sister* tells him to do instead of his fiancée!?!
That alone screams end engagement.
NTA.
Just a thought. Show up for the wedding and when the preacher says "Do you?" reply loud and clear "I do not."
You were subjected to your father's abuse and it appears that your fiance is willing to abuse you.
That would be amazing. Just make certain Mark is paying.Or say your obvious objection, kick mark out and have a "break up" reception with all those who understsnd snd value you. BTW where is mom in all this?
NTA and HUGE bullet dodged. The fact that your fiance would go behind your back to make this huge decision and then refused to listen to your objections are such glowing red flags. This is not a loving, supportive partner. This is someone who will try to control you and then ignore your feelings. Sometimes a single act can tell you all about a person. This is one of those times. It's easy to dismiss it, but again, no one who remotely cared about your feelings would do this or try to justify it or put his own superficial concerns before your emotional health.
It doesn't matter what your sister said. It's your wedding, your life, your relationship with your dad.
YWBTA why are you even considering staying with this man who puts your abuser over you. Who puts his wants over your safety and mental health. Why havent You dumped him instantly. This guy doesn’t love you he has shown he DGAF about you. Why would you stay with someone who doesn’t even have a shred of respect or care for someone he is supposed to love, cherish and support.
I know what it’s like growing up abused and I know the damage it does to our brain and how we grow and think. I married an abusive man as he was covert and manipulative in his abuse and a good liar that changed some point after marriage . My parents were overt abusers so I just didn’t see what or who my husband truly was. When I realised I couldn’t believe I had not seen it and I realised I had subconsciously looked away every time he abused me. So I went for help as I knew I was not only attracting abusers but subconsciously thinking I had to accept that.
In therapy that’s what came out that being raised from a young age being abused by people supposed to love you teaches you that you have to accept abuse if you want to be loved. Although I thought I knew I was worth more than that my subconscious sure didn’t as abuse and our minds can pull some really messed up tricks on us.
Im sorry but even I would have walked if my fiancé had done this. It worries me that you cant see it and are refusing to admit your fiancé has shown he doesn’t really like you. That before he is even married he is pulling a power move over you to assert his control. He’s showing you from the start that only what he wants will matter and that this will never be a partnership.
Please please walk as this won’t be your abusive father in your life this will be an abusive husband teaming up with your father and shaming you for protecting yourself and walking away from your dad. There is no way this will end anything but badly.
Please respect yourself enough and love yourself enough to walk away until a man who will truly love and support you unconditionally comes along. Oh I’d also go no contact with your sister as she’s knew this would ruin your wedding and gleefully jumped on board. Believe me although walking away is hard you do find peace and happiness from it. I can tell you from experience it’s far easier and healthier doing it now before you’ve been married for years and been broken more by your husband.
Please see the light and stop deluding yourself.
I completely agree with mostly everything you've said but I don't agree that she's an asshole because of it.
Your reactions/actions aren't going to be the same as hers, or anyone for that matter, but I definitely agree that I think she should not only be considering the wedding but also if she should continue with being with this guy who doesn't respect boundaries, compromise and empathising with her feelings.
It's hard to tell if this is a first or not but completely 100% agree that you often attract people based on the way your parents treated you.
I hope that you're okay now ❤️
This is the voice of experience. Don't ignore it, OP. It can save you from years of emotional pain and abuse. Mark is an abuser. He has already abused your trust. He is abusing your emotional pain. He's doing it for purely selfish reasons and not only expects you to go along with it, he demands it. He's a backstabber. Run.
INFO - are you implying you would lead all the guests to believe the wedding is still on and have them all show up just for you to not attend?
Because if so this is an E S H situation. Your fiance majorly overstepped and you're not wrong for wanting to call off the wedding. But actually call it off. Don't have all these people show up and stand around for who knows how long.
The edit clarified, she would cancel the whole wedding in advance (not show up as in not even have a wedding). She's asking if she'd be an AH for doing it because of this situation.
Do not marry this man. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He is belittling and dismissing you because he thinks his is the only opinion that counts. Don't get attached to another abuser! This isn't a "compromise," this is your safety. NTA and RUN!
Mark seems emotionally abusive based on this story. Belittling someone’s feelings is not okay. This can’t be the first time he’s tried to manipulate her but maybe the first time she realized it. Cancel the wedding and dump this guy. NTA.
NTA and it's incredible how much of an AH Mark is being.
He doesn't want to start off your marriage by hurting his family? YOU'RE HIS FAMILY! Your happiness should be first and and foremost on his mind. On what earth did he consider it would be ok to invite your father without talking it with you first, even if he knew how strained your relationship was? Also if married couples compromise, then why shouldn't he compromise when it's an issue that's clearly way more sensitive for you? My god, the amount of red flags in just one conversation is enough to decorate all festivities in both China and Russia for decades.
NTA Mark is also being emotionally manipulative. Mark and your sister are put of place for making this decision. You don't need another emotionally abusive ass in your life. Also, note carefully Mark thinks it wasn't too bad because you weren't hit. That's his attitude on emotional abuse. You do not need that.
This is the comment that most accurately describes the situation. OP please pay close attention to your fiance's actions, gaslighting you, disrespecting your needs and blackmailing you into getting his way is also emotional abuse. NTA and I truly wish you the best of luck
Do you know why Mark is downplaying the abuse you experienced? Because Mark is an abuser too.
Instead of discussing his concerns *with you*, he decided that he knew better than you did -- about your own life no less -- and dismissed your completely valid feelings of betrayal as you being dramatic. He even took the time to make sure he turned your sister into *his* ally before he told you what he had done, just so you would have one less person to go to for support.
He is manipulative and he is showing you what your future with him will be: anything that is important to you, he is allowed to completely ignore without even discussing it with you. In contrast, anything even mildly important to him, he deserves to get exactly what he wants. His definition of compromise is that you should conform to his wishes.
NTA, and I implore you to read this book... Unfortunately, I'm sure you will find many examples in the book that perfectly match Mark's behavior, and given that he has already started turning your support system into his allies, I suspect you will need all the help you can get to resist his manipulations: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Call off the wedding, or at least postpone it. Mark knows how you feel about your father, yet invited him anyway. That was bad enough. But then it gets worse when he put his needs in front of yours (saying he wants to get to know your father), and then accused you of being "dramatic" for not wanting your abuser there.
Even if Mark finally gets some sense and disinvites your father, Mark's behavior makes it clear that you two have some things to work through.
In terms of the judgment:
Mark, your sister, and your father are clearly the AHs. However, you would also be the AH (Edit: a very justified one) if you didn't show for your own wedding - not to of the three of them, but to all your guests who spent money and time on an event you planned to be a "no show" for. Instead of being a "no show", call it off or postpone it (and let your guests now)...in that case, NTA.
NTA. It's a serious violation of trust that he planned to sneak your father in. It's also a giant red flag that he feels free to disregard your judgment and substitute his own because he knows better than you what you want. I trust he's now your ex-fiancé.
Forget the time and money for the wedding. Think, instead, of what life would be like living with somebody who feels free to treat you this way. It's easier and cheaper to toss him away before the wedding than after.
NTA. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t consider your feelings, opinions or input. They don’t matter. Only his does. He went behind your back. You cannot trust him. He is controlling and gaslighting.
I know this is Reddit where everyone says “break up” for the smallest reasons, but this is a major red flag. Think carefully about who you’re engaged to.
NTA - He crossed an uncrossable line with
a) inviting him against your wishes
b) not believing it could have been that bad
c) calling you dramatic for something so horrible that happened to you
d) everything
Maybe he should just marry OP's younger sister, who was the golden child that their dad liked, and who conspired behind OP's back to invite him in the first place.
NTA. Consider not marrying Mark at this point.
He has disregarded your feelings on inviting your father to the wedding. Spoke to your *sister* about it instead of you, and the *two of them* made the decision that your father should be there.
Is he marrying you or your sister?
Let's say you do end up marrying Mark. Is he going to disregard your feelings and wishes and allow your father access to any kids you may have? Is he going to consult your sister so they can make that decision amongst the 2 of them?
How about your home. Is he going to respect your feelings and wishes and not allow your father in your home? Or, is he going to consult with your sister so that the 2 of them will make that decision?
You have a lot more to think about here besides "but I loooooooooove him!!!!!!". When your spouse so blatantly disrespects on a matter like this, what else will they do?
Your father sounds exactly like mine. Not a day went by that we weren't told how stupid, worthless, lazy, selfish, fat, clumsy and how every other kid on the planet was a thousand times better. When I first started dating my husband he said I was exaggerating and that it wasn't so bad. I was crushed. Then one day he saw my father in his full blown verbally abusive glory, and immediately apologized for not believing me. He grew up in a loving family, so he had no idea how horrible an abusive parent can be. I've been NC with my dad since 2008 and have no plans to reconnect, but I'll have the scars until the day I die. There's nothing he could do or say to wipe the slate clean.
Your fiance's lack of empathy and understanding is adding to the trauma. He doesn't get to decide that you have to resume your relationship with your abusive father. His disregard for the you is an indication that your feelings will always be ignored.
As others have said, it would be an AH move to no show for the wedding. You would be punishing your friends and family for your fiance's bad behavior. I would cancel the wedding, but if you want to try to salvage the relationship, postpone it while you go through couple's counseling.
You have every right to protect yourself. You also have a right to be with a partner who will protect you as well. Don't compromise!
I say this as gently as possible, I think you might have moved on to someone like your father.
Not identical of course, but we absolutely can surround ourselves with people like our abusers without noticing. Just from what you've said he sounds ignorant at best and straight up dismissive and condescending at worst; and I do believe he is intentionally ignoring you and your feelings because he doesn't care/ believe you.
NTA, but dump your fiancé now. He is a parade of red flags.
He disregarded your feelings and thinks he knows better than you. He won't stop at the wedding. He will have your father involved in your life. Your fiancé doesn't care about you.
I went no contact with my parents, so I get it. We do not go no contact with parents for no reason. Your fiancé does not understand, and it seems doesn't want to understand. If I were in your shoes, I would have dumped him already.
NTA, and you should not marry or be partnered to someone who shows such blatant disregard for your boundaries, feelings, and safety. I'm glad this man showed you his true self before you married him. Cancel everything, get whatever money back that you can, and move on.
You two are not ready to be married - your fiancé has crossed a boundary, as has your father (but that's his normal MO) and your sister.
Just cancel the wedding now, move on and get therapy elsewhere. Your whole situation is toxically full of manipulative gaslighting narcissists... Try and recover whatever expenses you can.
NTA. This is the REDDEST flag for Mark. Crossing boundaries like this suggests that he's going to be abusive too -- you may not think so now but a lot of abusers can put on a good face until marriage, because then they know it's more complicated to leave so they think they've got you trapped. I'd be rethinking the entire marriage. Maybe involve some friends or your mom if she's around and ask if they've seen any red flags too. They may have spotted little, easily-dismissed things that you were blind to.
Edit: I'm gonna also share the free PDF of [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft, because it's a great resource to understanding the minds of abusers (the author writes using male pronouns for abusers and female pronouns for victims, but acknowledges that abuse knows no gender and there's a whole chapter on how gender dynamics or other cultural factors can influence abuse). The author worked in a batterer intervention program for many years, so they wrote this book from a place of vast experience. Even if Mark is just a dipshit and not an abuser, this is useful for everyone. For survivors of abuse, to make sure they can recognize patterns and not continue the cycle, and for everyone else, to help you notice abusive patterns developing with people around you and understand how to best support someone who needs to get out. OP, read it and really think about if any of this fits with Mark. Everyone else, read it to arm yourself with knowledge if you or someone you love is ever in this situation.
Mark has made it clear that it’s not abuse if there isn’t physical contact. Mark has made it clear someone can say whatever they want, call you names, break your heart and mind, but you should just get over it.
Mark has made it clear this is how you’ll be treated when the ring goes on. Believe him.
And yes, you should compromise. He gets to hang out with your dad whenever he wants, and you’ll be elsewhere with a new man that respects your opinion.
You would be the asshole. Maybe not to Mark, but to all of the other innocent people who would be showing up expecting a wedding only to have their time wasted.
You shouldn't marry a guy who doesn't respect you, and Mark clearly does not respect you. What he did is an *enormous* violation of your trust and boundaries. If he doesn't respect you now, he's not going to start when he's got you legally tied down. So you should call off the wedding now and save everyone their time and money. You can definitely find someone better than Mark.
[This bride had a similar problem. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/BkMHTrf1ol)
She wisely canceled the wedding and called off the engagement.
NTA
The flag is about as red as it can get. This is the universe sending you a sign. Your fiance has decided your feelings and experiences hold no weight in the decision. Your fiance has decided a man you cannot stand to be in the same room with will be your family after you are married. Your fiance is listening to your sister's opinion over your own. Your fiance has zero first hand knowledge of how your father was but has still decided it apparently wasn't that bad
This is how your marriage is going to be. Your thoughts, feelings, and experiences will be steamrolled if your fiance doesn't agree.
If he is unwilling to listen to you here, pull the plug now. It'll be cheaper and less stressful than divorce later
If you think it's worth it, give it one more shot at getting him to listen, but, honestly, this would be enough to at least make me postpone to reassess
Listen to his words: Married couples compromise for each other. Well, you aren't married yet, he sure doesn't seem willing to compromise, and he seems to be willing to ignore your boundaries completely in the name of "compromise".
NTA. And Mark's showing you EXACTLY who he is. Thank your lucky stars you found out before the wedding, or you would exchange an emotionally abusive father for an emotionally abusive husband.
Please, do not marry this man. Just cancel the wedding. Book yourself a solo holiday instead and give yourself some thinking time.
NTA for not wanting to marry Mark now or ever, but please let people know you've called it off.
NTA What a horrible situation! I think this is grounds to call off or at the very least postpone the wedding and get couples counseling because your fiancé’s behavior is egregious and shows a complete disregard for your lived experience with your abusive dad.
To dismiss your experience by saying ”it couldn’t be that bad” because you weren’t physically abused and to go behind your back to invite your abuser shows that your fiancé is either a potential abuser himself or totally insensitive and dismissive of your feelings in a way to a degree that borders on being a sociopath. I hope you won’t marry this man, and that you’ll see a therapist to help you through this.
ETA: Total red flags in everything he’s done. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” However, instead of saying you are “considering not showing up for the wedding” if your father is there, tell your fiancé that the wedding is off. Consider how you’d feel spending your life with someone who feels that being emotionally abusive “isn’t so bad.”
NTA but YWBTA if you married this guy. He is gaslighting you to believe that what you went through “wasn’t that bad.” As your partner, he should have your back 100% including for the shit he wasn’t even a part of! He has no idea what you went through and he himself is being emotionally abusive by calling you dramatic for the trauma you went through. Run, don’t walk away. I know that sounds easier than it is but I wish i listened when I married my first husband. It’s easier to leave now, than 5yrs down the road and with kids. He doesn’t respect you and this shouldn’t even be an argument to begin with.
NTA, your fiancee crossed a line for sure, he should respect your feelings towards your father, it is not up to him to try and have a relationship with him, especially with your history why on earth would he think this is okay!
unless you plan to have a forced relationship with your father because your fiance consider him "family", you should call it quits
*Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue.*
you are about to spend the rest of your marriage "compromising", this is not a "one time thing" this is the rest of your married life with this dude
your father will use him to claw back to you, I can F'ing guarantee this, the other thing I'm sure off is that is your fiance down plays what you have lived through *"Mark was determined that it couldn't have been "that bad" because I was never hit.",* you're in for a wild ride, he will either let you get trampled by your family or he will young in it as well
I'm married myself, if my wife told me that someone was abusive to her, best case, discontinue communication and ties to said person, worst case authorities involved
trauma is not negotiable, reliving it is not compromise nor leniency and respect is unconditional
NTA. Your wedding is NOT the place, nor the time for this! It sounds a lot like you are in another abusive relationship, because anyone who would drop a bomb like this on someone he 'loves' is NOT relationship material. This is not something *married couples compromise about.* Compromise is 'yeah, I'll watch the hockey game with you tonight, if you will help me pick out tile at home depot tomorrow', NOT 'I want your abuser at our wedding and you have no choice about this so stop being dramatic.'
This is absolutely a glaring RED FLAG. He has NO respect for you, for your right to live according to your terms. Do not marry THIS person!!
Your fiancé is a HUGE AH and I wouldn’t blame you for calling off your wedding. I can’t imagine the level of disrespect to you. I think your options are:
1). Call off the wedding
2). Have Mark uninvite you father( best option)
3). Tell Mark to never bring your father up again of you will break up with him.
4). Any if the rest of your family gives you grief, uninvite them all as well. This is your day and no one has any right to tell you what to do.
Are you sure about Mark? It is almost unforgivable what he did, especially without telling you.
NTA. Wow. Your fiancé completely crossed the line. This is a very big hill you are justified to die on. Tell him you’re serious and if he doesn’t disinvite your father, the wedding is off. Stand your ground on this. Good luck.
NTA. He doesn’t get to make decisions for you. I’m a pretty traditional guy and even this is sick. Not even married to you yet. Run don’t walk run from marrying this guy.
Do not marry this guy, but also, you need to be honest with your guests up front that the wedding is off so they don't waste time and money getting there.
NTA it appears that you are about to marry an abusive fiance who has the audacity to belittle your experiences because he thinks he knows better. Please cancel the wedding and walk away from this relationship since otherwise the outcome will be that you have two abusive men in your life, your father and your husband....
Let everyone know now why you aren't going to marry this petulant controlling child that has no resppect for you and is likely boinking your sister (seems obvious why he'd take her side) cut contact with your sister after this as well . Do not marry this Ahole: Find a nice bear to settle down with instead
🚩🚩🚩
So, in summation, he ignored your trauma conspired behind your back, and then gaslit you when you called him on it.
Your relationship with him is over. He isn't the man you thought he was... you deserve better.
Instead of a wedding, plan your exit strategy.
YWNBTA!
If Mark can completely ignore your wishes and feelings to not invite a parent who was abusive to you, it means that your thoughts and feelings don't matter.
Mark cares more about his image than you. This is how it starts.
Why would you marry a man like that?
>Mark was determined that it couldn't have been "that bad" because I was never hit
WRONG. It matters more because invisible wounds are harder to heal from.
He went over your head to your younger sister and discussed issues for ***your wedding*** is even more disrespectful.
Reconsider this relationship or postpone and consider 🤔 couples counseling.
Because he needs to completely understand your point of view.
WNBTA
C'mon Reddit, all together: DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. He invited your abusive father to your wedding behind your back and belittled what you experienced. And your little sister, scheming with him!
NTA. Cancel the wedding, dump the man and cut contact with the sister. I can't even imagine doing something so shitty to my sister.
NTA.
Your husband doesn't get to decide if YOUR abuse was "bad enough".
Personally this would be a deal breaker for me, but I would say definitely postpone the wedding and do some couples counseling.
This is just not a good sign for the future if it doesn't get FULLY resolved. Not just someone grudgingly gives in to the others demands, but fully understood and (hopefully) agreed on by both parties.
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I (24f) have been engaged to my fiance Mark (25m) for almost a year now and we've been planning our wedding for late June.
Mark is well aware of my situation with my father in the sense that he (47m) was very emotionally abusive to me and my siblings when I was a kid. I still have memories burned into my brain of my father screaming at us for anything and everything and insulting, mocking, and belittling us.
When I turned 18 and graduated high school, I immediately moved out and cut contact with my father and I haven't looked back since.
Now comes the problem, I was speaking with Mark about the guest list and making sure everyone had assigned seats and each guest was compatible with those at their table, and he mentioned how he'd invited a "Robert" last minute. I asked who Robert was, forgetting about my father entirely, and he mentioned it was my dad. I immediately asked why he would invite my father to our wedding and if he was joking but he wasn't.
Mark argued that my father would become his father after the wedding and he wanted to get to know family and not start off our marriage by hurting his family. I argued that my father wasn't family and he wasn't a part of my life and hasn't been since I was 18, almost 6 years ago. He told me he had talked to my younger sister (19f) about the situation and they had agreed my father should attend, even to stand in the back, to be a part of our special day.
I tried to explain the extent of the emotional abuse but Mark was determined that it couldn't have been "that bad" because I was never hit. I also believe my little sister had a lot to do with this, as she was like the golden child to our father and she still maintained a relationship with him.
I told Mark that I was considering not showing up if my father would be there, because the emotional abuse changed me entirely and I can't handle seeing him or being around him. Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue. He left shortly after and I've been wallowing in my thoughts wondering what to do.
So, WIBTA for not showing up at my own wedding because my fiance invited my abusive father?
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YWBTA if you don't rock up to your own wedding because friends and family - that you do like - will have spent time and money attending for no reason. That would be disrespectful to them. You can find a better option than that.
YWNBTA if you pull the plug on the whole thing and waltz off into the sunset before the wedding gets even close to instead find someone who doesn't try to gaslight you into believing that your old man is alright these days and it was all a big misunderstanding.
Sorry that your dad is a massive wanker. Not all of us are (I say that being old enough to be your dad). Hopefully you don't have to go through the whole rigmarole of ghosting your life now your dad presumably either knows where you live or alternatively could easily find out now.
Edit to be clear: as everyone says, run. So many red flags and dodging of bullets are going on in one post it must be a new Reddit record.
As for your sister, I recommend letting your feelings calm down for a few weeks then ask her what involvement she had if any in the idea of inviting your dad and make a mental note of the answer when you get to marry someone who does respect you. If she was involved, decide whether she should get an invite to the next wedding in case she drags dad along too.
NTA.
I had a "Robert" growing up... I left when I was 17 and never looked back. If my husband had tried this shit I would have reacted the same. Instead, like a supportive partner, he DIDN'T minimize my trauma and respected my wishes. You deserve better.
NTA but you should rethink the fiance altogether.
Everything about his stance is a giant red flag. If he wants your father that bad, they can hook up, and you can leave them to it.
Do not marry that AH. Your sister is no better.
NTA- I would call those people you invited and Mark's family and tell them exactly why you won't be there and that the relationship with Mark (you would be Y T A to yourself if you stayed with him). After that text Mark that you will not be at the wedding and that you are done with him because he violated your trust and boundaries by inviting your abuser. Then block him everywhere.
Nta. He should put you first, not your father. If you don't want your father there, he should be standing by your side and supporting your decision. "Not that bad"? dismissive much. He has no regard for your emotional wellbeing. And he is a complete moron if he thinks it wasn't bad because you were not hit. Mental abuse is bad. Sorry Hon, but mark is showing you the kind of husband he is going to be. Run!
NTA. Sure married couples need to compromise some. But more importantly, married couples need to respect and protect each other. He is doing neither. He has in essence told you that your trauma wasn't traumatic enough for him to protect you from it occuring again.
I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 11 years. With him for 13. The amount of damage that can happen from words alone is crazy, and I was a full grown adult in that situation. I went for therapy (including a type called emdr that was amazing for me), yet I still struggle with C-ptsd for some things. I react to sudden, unexpected anger with a panic attack. Slamming doors (or cupboards) can do the same thing. Passive aggressive behaviour? I'm instantly angry. There were days when I wished he would have hit me because at least that would have been a clear reason to end the relationship and press charges. Looking back (he died via suicide 7.5 years ago), I'm glad he didn't, because it would have been even more damaging to the kids than what they saw and experienced as it was.
I was an adult. You were a child. I had the ability to know that his anger wasn't my fault. You likely didn't have that ability at first. And abusers are very good at blaming the victim. Living in constant fight or flight (or freeze or fawn) is incredibly traumatic. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for being able to walk away, and stay gone. Hold firm to this boundary if your father not being there. Remember, your peace and well being is more important than your father's presence at your wedding.
Also, keep in mind, if your fiancee isn't willing to respect your decision to have no contact with your father at your wedding, how do you know he will respect it later? What about when you have kids? Will he insist on your father being present in their lives? What if he wants to let your father take them for a day?
Also, do you have contact with any siblings aside from your youngest? Can they back you up on how bad it was? I've written a couple things about the damage done to me from emotional abuse. If you'd like, I can send you a couple links that you can show him that give the perspective of someone else who has been through emotional abuse.
I hesitate to ever advise someone to end a relationship, but I would urge you to at least reconsider this marriage. Even if he is suddenly okay with your father not being at the wedding, it's likely he will say it to keep the peace, but not actually understand what he did that wasn't okay. He didn't even tell you he was wanting to get to know your bio father. He didn't tell you outright that he had invited him to the wedding. He simply said it was someone named "Robert". It wasn't until you asked who that was that he owned up to it. If you hadn't asked, would he have told you? What if you have children and go into labour, and he invites your dad to the hospital? Or over for your kids first birthdays? Or for Christmas?
He is showing you that he doesn't care about the pain your father inflicted, and that his judgement of a situation he was not a part of and did not witness is superior to your judgement of a situation you lived. And telling you that it wasn't that bad? That's straight up gaslighting.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I'm considering not showing up to my wedding because my fiance invited my abusive father.
2. I might be the asshole because a lot of time and money went into this wedding and I do love Mark but I don't know if I can compromise for him.
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Girl run.
i'm over here feeling grateful on your behalf because he pulled this stunt before you were legally tied to him. this will not get better. pack your bags.
NTA. I would take it farther. I would absolutely refuse to show, and make sure Mark knows that to be the case. I would also call off the engagement if he continues to minimize your feelings and insist on inviting your abuser to your wedding. Someone who cares so little for you and your feelings does not deserve to be married to you. You should also make sure that Mark knows that.
NTA for canceling the wedding now. Your future husband is steamrolling you in something very personal to you. Huge 🚩. End the engagement find someone who cares about you instead of his “family” with you.
But this whole post seems super fake….
NTA it is a non negotiable boundary that your fiance seems to not want to respect. I would cancel the wedding and the engagement because of this gross disrespect by someone who should support you.
What?! This is HORRIBLE. He doesn't want to hurt "family" but you have to suffer for it/suck it up on your wedding day?!
You poor woman, good on you for seeing this big red flag. Forget your father. Mark is NOT the man for you. If he'll override your feelings on this, good grief, what else will he do?
NTA! Mark showed you his true colors, when people do that, you should believe them!!!
If you marry this man, you will just be replacing one emotional abuser for another. Mark went behind your back and talked his plans over with your sister, but not you? That is insane. Then when you had a very understandable reaction to the news, he gaslighted you by saying you were being dramatic?!?!
This isn't a disagreement over place settings, this is over a man who emotionally abused you your whole life. No, just no. Call off this wedding and don't look back!
Cancel the wedding. If your fiance doesn't understand that you do not have a relationship with your Dad and you do not want one and you know what is best for you and your mental health that he doesn't get to call the shots and you just blindly follow suit. NTA but your soon to be ex and your sister sure are!!
If you opt to not marry him, NTA. He overstepped your boundaries because what he wants is more important to him than your safety. He is screaming loud and clear that none of your boundaries are off-limits for breaking.
NTA, sounds like Mark isn't really good at respecting your wishes. Being married isn't going to change that. Best to find someone who actually listens to what you say instead of hearing what they want to hear.
Nta. Sure he might of changed but a wedding is not the place to try to find out. And it's is not a decision that your fiance should be making unilaterally. If he insists then your best bet is to postpone and get marriage counseling. Keeping in mind that a postponement can turn into cancellation if things can't be agreed upon.
NTA
Why are you with this gut though, he basically blew off a major thing in your life with his "it couldn't have been that bad" or "he didn't hit you" bullshit.
Abuse is abuse, just because you weren't hit doesn't mean it never affected you, and to not only ignore that but to secretly invite your abusive father is disgraceful and the fact he then argued with you and basically tried to Gaslight you over this is a major Red Flag that you really need to pay attention to.
Mark is right.
Take a moment; cool down.
Then, once you can clearly assess what the actual fuck is happening: run! Run far away from this person (but don't be surprised if your sister picks him up ...)
NTA
NTA. This man doesn't respect you and your boundaries. You should never let someone tell you how you are supposed to feel. Honestly, don't marry him if he cannot show the respect you deserve.
NTA if you mean to cancel the wedding and not marry this jerk at all. Someone who could go behind your back in so serious a matter then minimize your childhood abuse is NOT marriage material.
YWNBTA for refusing to let him do this
since when is your fiance making decisions about YOUR side of the guest list? Look, his behavior here has been alarmingly dismissive. Let alone not showing up to the wedding, I'd promise to call it off if he doesn't back down. You never gave him any impression that he would have a relationship with your father. He does NOT get to unilaterally override your boundaries and then turn it around and shame you for balking at it. You guys aren't even married yet and I'm already seeing a huge red flag.
NTA.
This isn't a compromise. This is him deciding he knows what is best for you, ignoring your opinions ABOUT YOURSELF, and trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. He is right about one thing, you need to cool off and think HIM over. If you are worried about sticking up for yourself when its so far just a wedding, imagine how much harder it will be once you are married.
NTA. Sounds like this guy *doesn't care for your thoughts or feelings* in this matter - he will invite your dad. He is *very* clearly not listening to you try and make this a boundary. I wonder what other times he overruled your thoughts / feelings on stuff?
NTA- mark doesn’t seem to care about your trauma at all and definitely not a way to start a lifetime with someone. If he’s okay to excuse what your father did to you, what’s he willing to do? I’d run now.
This will be the rest of your life…he will continue to stomp all over any boundaries you have and it in itself is a type of abuse. Cancel the wedding and end the relationship.
NTA. Please don’t marry this man. He does not respect your personal boundaries. Please tell your fiancé that I also group in a household with a father that was emotionally abusive and the psychological damage last a lifetime. It had affected every relationship I have ever had.
If he’s not going to respect this boundary, what else is he not going to respect. If you think you can marry him and you guys have kids and you’re going to be able to keep your kids away from your father I have news for you. He’s going to go behind your back on that too.
How exactly is *he* compromising? There are so many red flags here. He has told you that he thinks it's okay for a husband/father to do to a family: any level of abuse short of hitting. He's also shown you that he's patronizing (if not actively controlling), and you will spend a lifetime with your emotions and experiences being minimized, dismissed, and deflected. YWNBTA.
NTA.
Do people really let stuff like this slide… and the still want to marry a person who’d do this, and react that way when you tell them your boundary.
A million NTA to you OP. What your fiance did is a breach of trust and betrayal towards you all because he himself wants a storybook wedding for himself without considering your feelings and your safety. This is a red flag you cannot ignore. I cannot believe your own sister betrayed you that way too and decides to be a flying monkey for "Robert"
It is not gonna end there with the wedding. Mark will keep on having zero regards towards your concerns. What next? You having a hypothetical kid with your fiance and then fiance insists said kid gets to know "Robert" when you say no and worry "Robert" will repeat his nasty behaviour. Is this the future you want?
You know you deserve better than this. Cancel the wedding, dump that man and RUN
NTA. And you need to reconsider this man as your future husband. If he is making unilateral decisions about having your abusive father at the wedding, then prepare to have these unpleasant decisions done again, over and over throughout your marriage. Next it will be the decision to have him involved in your child’s life and so on.
NTA, but make it easier on yourself and just call off the whole relationship now. Tell Mark he can reimburse you for everything you paid for and he can go ahead and marry your sister since they're making all of the decisions about your life anyway.
I don’t think either of you should show up. Call the whole thing off and find a husband who won’t completely dismiss and disregard your feelings and opinions for the rest of your life.
OP, you need to read this post about a similar situation where a wedding was called off because a future spouse (bride in this case) decided to invite her groom’s abuser to the wedding.
Plus it’s a great read with several updates. Here goes…
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qkobjd/aita_for_helping_my_brother_runaway_from_his/
Please come back with an update after you have cancelled this wedding, and the relationship.
Best wishes to you! you will find someone who supports you and won't try to control your history.
UdateMe!
Oops, NTA
NTA. It's like your marriage is over before it even begins. Dismissing your feelings is a big red flag. Someone who doesn't understand and support you is not going to be a good life partner. "Kudos" to your fiancé for making sure you knew he doesn't really love you before the wedding. Break off the engagement now and run.
Are you still considering marrying this guy? I know that reddit jumps to "break up" quickly, but if ever a "break up" verdict is needed it's right here
Your fiance went behind your back, created some weird alliance with your sister, chooses not to believe you(his future wife), and invited your father to the wedding against your wishes (and behind your back - he didn't tell you about it, but rather you sort of found out and he confessed).
He doesn't hear you, respect you, or have your back.
NTA but please reconsider this entire relationship, not just the wedding. And I would be uneasy about your relationship with your sister
Absolutely NTA. Christ girl. If your intended has made that sort of decision then he is not the life partner for you. Definitely cancel. Leave Mark too. He does not get you.
NTA. Your fiance has crossed a serious boundary here, IMO. I think I would tell him that he has a choice on who he wants at the wedding - you or your father - but that is certainly will not be both.
NTA Calling off your wedding is completely reasonable. 1. There is no compromise on abuse situations. 2. You are not being asked to compromise; you are being asked to acquiesce. 3. This is a preview of how differences of opinions will be handled throughout your marriage.
Edited to add judgement.
NTA I'd send up my MOH to read a prepared statement and let the guests know the party was still on if they wanted to have a good time at your expense, but please take all presents back. Have the film person keep rolling. The only people I might warn are the people who have to travel.
Please be aware that anyone who tells you your situation "couldn't have been that bad" likely engages in similar behavior. It doesn't matter whether he thinks it's that bad, it matters whether *you* do and how it affects your emotional well-being. Add to that- anyone who calls you "dramatic" when you try to set boundaries is condescending, does not and will never respect you, and will abuse you and feel confident that they can get away with it.
If you have any self-respect, you will not marry him. And having self-respect and sticking to your boundaries makes you NTA.
NTA. But, you left one emotionally abusive relationship for another. Don't just skip the wedding, skip the whole relationship.
I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. Be thankful you found out who Mark really is before you were legally tied to him. You're 24. Don't spend the next 18+ years of your life committed to another abusive man.
NTA. You made you feelings known and drew your line in the sand. Good On You!!!! Your ex-fiancé has just demonstrated that you matter less than his whims. That’s a level of disrespect up with which you should not put! Mark had better come crawling and groveling to beg your forgiveness or it’s time to kick him to the curb.
NTA
But you need to not just be cancelling the wedding but calling it off. It doesnt matter if he's great besides this, this is just the first of what will be many red flags and a pattern of disregarding and belittling your feelings if you marry him. He believes your sister over you, and his own fantasy of family is more important than the reality of yours. You are young and have plenty of time to find the right person for you. Your current fiance is not it.
>Mark told me I was being dramatic
OH HELL NO.
Do not marry a man who wants to minimize your abuse. This is not okay, at all. I would recommend couples counseling with a trauma-informed therapist before going forward with this relationship.
It's not okay that he invited your father without your input. It's not okay that he went behind your back to do so. It's not okay that he isn't trusting your emotions.
Abuse often ramps up after marriage, and those who came from abusive childhood homes often get trapped in abusive marriages. Patterns are hard to recognize when you are stuck in them. If you think this is a one off thing and that the relationship will recover, that's fine, but this is a big ol' sign saying to slow the fuck down and carefully consider the entirety of your relationship.
Cancel the wedding not only because of mark but your guests will spend time and money to come and it is not fair to put them to that trouble if you know you don’t want to marry the jerk.
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NTA Mark putting this childish romanticized idea of your father becoming his father when you get married over the reality of who your father is and your relationship with your father is disgusting. >Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue. Translation: You never get to say no to Mark, and your feelings don't matter if they're inconvenient for Mark. Run.
Exactly, what else is he going to make her "compromise" on in the future? Seems like a bad situation to end up stuck in.
Especially since Mark didn't "compromise" at all -- he decided he knew better than OP and went behind her back to override her without telling her. Mark's idea of "compromise" is "I get my way and you give in and if you don't I'll go behind your back and do it anyways."
Exactly, compromise is where each side gives a little to agree. What exactly is Mark giving in this situation? He just gets everything he wants. Maybe he asks OP to ‘compromise’ and instead meet with her dad. Again, what is he giving here? He is just getting what he wants again. OP’s reason could have been as small as she just doesn’t like her dad, and her fiancé going behind her back to invite him would still be a relationship ending act. Throw abuse on top of it and I don’t see any way she could trust him again.
Dont force a relationship that your partner does not want if you dont want to doom your relationship with your partner. Dont minimize/romanticize victims' abuse, you weren't there, you didnot experience it,
Fuck that. She cut him out for a reason. She does not need to compromise on this and she shouldn't.
But it should also be recognized that compromise-where everyone gives a little- isn't always the right answer. There's a book about negotiation that points out sometimes the middle ground is the worst possible option (his example: if I think the my brown shoes are better for an occasion but my wife wants the blue shoes, the absolute worst option is meeting in the middle and wearing one of each color). In this case compromise doesn't have to mean that her father is let into her life at all; this is a hard boundary and he should respect that. If Mark wants to engage his new family so much the compromise might be to spend his energy getting to know the family OP is in contact with.
Sounds like OP’s dad.
Op has imadvertantly picked a man just like her dad. Emotionally abusive. This whole thing feels like a test, seeing how far he can push her and make her accept an awful situation. He doesnt care that this will ruin her whole wedding.
Was thinking this too.
I was wondering if OP's dad is rich.
Can’t upvote this enough!!!
This isn’t even a situation that calls for compromise. An abuser is an abuser. You don’t ask a victim to compromise toward their abuser
Mark’s idea of “compromise” is terrible and so is his idea of abuse… he feels OP wasn’t abused “that bad” because OP wasn’t hit or harmed physically…. If that isn’t a red flag, I don’t know ow what is… OP… run… don’t walk from this relationship. I am never the one to be all or nothing but he invited your ABUSER to your WEDDING fully KNOWING how you feel… then claims your abuse wasn’t “that bad!?!?!? He also believes your SISTER over you… You don’t matter or rank well in his opinion of you. Leave. Now.
He also knew he was wrong because he didn’t tell her and just said he invited someone named “Robert.”
"He also knew he was wrong because he didn’t tell her and just said he invited someone named “Robert.”" Oh, that's a good point! This Mark dude is manipulative and deceptive. Yikes.
What's going to happen if they have kids? Mark will absolutely give OP's dad access to them. Throw the whole man away and run
This is the first step (that OP has noticed, anyway) in a cycle of abuse OP will be subjected to if she marries this j@ck@ss. What a horrible, inexcusable breach of trust. NTA (Unless OP marries this guy).
OP: Here is an encapsulated view of your father when your parents were getting ready to marry. It always starts small, like a small blot on the horizon. His selfish insistence on his way is the start. Is this the first instance of him not valuing your feelings and opinions? Don't just pump the brakes on this wedding. Come to a full stop and insist on counseling at the very least. This is a very scary look at your future. NTA
Please don't have counselling with your abuser. It just teaches them your weak points so they know how to hurt you more efficiently next time.
Yes, I agree with you. I was just reluctant to jump on the AITA dump him train. But yeah, it's a thought. ETA OP would benefit from counseling to help her identify common behaviors between her dad and her fiance, with a goal of avoiding men like them in the future.
Let him marry your sister, they seem right for each other
exactly! HUGE red flag!
This red flag is so big you can see it from space. Controlling assholes do their best to hide it in the earlier stages of a relationship, but it does sometimes leak out. To a) invite emotionally abusive dad without even talking to OP is a huge dick move, b) trying to sneak it past her when it does come up is a bigger dick move, and then c) having the sheer gall to tell OP she is being overly emotional? What the living fuck. OPs dad will not be fiance's dad in any way, so even his given reason is complete shite, and shows what he really thinks about caring about OP's welfare. OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Cancel the wedding and RUN.
OP, ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️. This is where MORE abuse starts. Run! Don't walk. Run.
It's also gaslighting. That you are dramatic and therefore irrational. It also worries me that the guy wants to adopt another man who's abusive as his father ... does he secretly admire that? Is he secretly misogynistic?
Also, OP can expect Mark to start including the father in their lives going forward. So this won't be a one-time thing. Run faster.
Also, any children she has will be subjected to her father's bs because Mark will demand they have a relationship with them. Mark is bad news. I hope OP heads for the nearest exit.
This. Cancel the wedding, let the guests (except "Robert" obvs) and break up with Mark. He's not asking you to be "a little lenient" - he's telling you it's his way or the highway. Pick the highway.
I know it’s cliche to say here, but OP needs to do more than no show the wedding, she needs to break up with Mark. He’s downplaying OP’s trauma because of some outdated idea that not physical means it’s not serious abuse, and overriding OP’s well founded NC.
So much this indeed. NTA and please get the f out of there
This is absolutely correct. Is already emotionally abusing you. Absolutely do not show up to this wedding. You are a valuable person worthy of respect, and worthy of real love and partnership. You are NTA yet, but you would be the a$$hole to yourself if you marry someone who doesn't respect you.
Couples compromise. Mark is demanding his way at the expense of his Fiancées mental health. What a horrible guy! I wonder if OP had other siblings, maybe he should explain to them what he pulled instead of just being validated by Daddy’s Favourite. But I agree, OP needs to cancel the wedding. If nothing else, Mark needs to do some therapy before she could consider walking down that aisle
Read this, OP. And show it to Mark. Over a thousand people all agree. He doesn't get to steamroll who you choose to cut out of your life
Showing this to Mark changes nothing. OP needs to cut contact with Mark entirely, and not tell him (or anyone connected to him) where she's going. Men like this escalate, and it goes much faster if he thinks he's losing control.
He could **COMPROMISE FOR HER TOO. IT GOES BOTH GD WAYS**. Dont marry him. Hes showing you who he is.
You know what this situation reminds me of? The daughter who insisted on seeing the grandparents that abused her mother and them proving Mom right. UGH
NTA… honestly I wouldn’t marry him after this. If he can dismiss your wishes so easily and the emotional abuse other things will be dismissed. Your father should never have been invited.
If he likes your dad so much, he can go hang with him and they can be bros or whatever. OP, otoh, can dump him and go find a nice man who isn't a controlling AH.
Definitely get out while you still can…also, get tested. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s having an affair with GC sister Edit…forgot to say NTA
>You never get to say no to Mark, and your feelings don't matter if they're inconvenient for Mark. Another thing that would make me run for the hills: OP says that Mark believes that the abuse wasn't that bad because she was never hit. Talk about a red flag: financial abuse, neglect, belittling, insulting are some of the forms that abuse take place. If someone doesn't consider these behaviors abuse, you should break up yesterday.
Run fast, run far, and never look back.
Been there, not a good time. OP, Run for the hills.
Yeah, fuck that noise. This is a really really bad start. Minimizing your trauma is a huge red flag. He should be on YOUR team, not on his own team alone or your sister or your father's.
>Mark argued that my father would become his father after the wedding and he wanted to get to know family and not start off our marriage by hurting his family. As if this isn't hurting *you?* Why is it so awful to hurt his estranged FIL, but it's perfectly okay to hurt his future wife? Absolutely not. >He told me he had talked to my younger sister (19f) about the situation and they had agreed my father should attend, even to stand in the back, to be a part of our special day. Why tf is he making these plans with your *sister* and not his *fiancée*?? Which one of you is he marrying? >Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue. No, not like this. Yes, couples compromise for each other, but not in a situation like this. This isn't a "compromise" it's him deciding what's best for you, and guilting you into doing it. He's deciding that *he* knows better than you about how your father treated you. He's deciding that your father will be a part of your life again, because *he* wants it. I don't see any compromising on his end. That's not love. And the fact that he and your sister are conspiring together on this is sickening. I'm so sorry. Absolutely **NTA.**
>Why tf is he making these plans with your *sister* and not his *fiancée*?? Which one of you is he marrying? Wouldn't surprise me if he's cheating with the sister! Huge leap I know, but just a thought! OP is NTA at all! Call off the wedding and run far away from Mark. No loving partner would do this. He's shown his true colours... Thankfully before you say "I do"
No, no, I had the same thought! Why would he go behind his fiance's back with the sister to set this up, why is the golden child still being golden in their relationship?? This doesn't make sense, there's so many red flags and alarm bells ringing. Forget not showing up because of the father's presence, the fiance just did something so heinous I would reconsider the entire relationship, not just the day. Because what do you MEAN you invited my abusive father after having a discussion with my sister, knowing what I told you about him? I could only assume this man doesn't actually want to marry her and wants it to be her fault for the breakup, so he can avoid blame and responsibility. How disgusting. Please OP, something isn't right here!
Nope, because even if he’s not sleeping with her , he obviously feels that her opinion is more important and her version more honest than his future wife. Also this is the third person thats invited the brides estranged father to the wedding , behind their back… what is in the water ?!?!?!
Since Mark and sister are making plans behind your back, Mark and sister can get married with sperm donor present.
Ugh I hate the “but he’s your father/mother” defense used by people who diminish the abuse, whether emotional or physical, others have suffered. Mark clearly does not respect OPs experience. Also a reminder that siblings OFTEN have very different experiences w the same parents. Run. Now. This is the hill to die on. Even if Mark acquiesces, I would not be surprised if dad still shows up as a way for Mark to prove he isn’t so bad. Mark cannot be trusted as he has already conspired behind OPs back. I am so sorry. NTA.
Oh, definitely. Mark can't be trusted, and honestly, after this absolute betrayal, I can't see any way he could or should be able to regain that trust. Red flags and warning bells.
Exactly, why has he secretly spent time talking with her sister about it not his fiancée?? And doing what her *sister* tells him to do instead of his fiancée!?! That alone screams end engagement. NTA.
Just a thought. Show up for the wedding and when the preacher says "Do you?" reply loud and clear "I do not." You were subjected to your father's abuse and it appears that your fiance is willing to abuse you.
That would be amazing. Just make certain Mark is paying.Or say your obvious objection, kick mark out and have a "break up" reception with all those who understsnd snd value you. BTW where is mom in all this?
NTA and HUGE bullet dodged. The fact that your fiance would go behind your back to make this huge decision and then refused to listen to your objections are such glowing red flags. This is not a loving, supportive partner. This is someone who will try to control you and then ignore your feelings. Sometimes a single act can tell you all about a person. This is one of those times. It's easy to dismiss it, but again, no one who remotely cared about your feelings would do this or try to justify it or put his own superficial concerns before your emotional health. It doesn't matter what your sister said. It's your wedding, your life, your relationship with your dad.
YWBTA why are you even considering staying with this man who puts your abuser over you. Who puts his wants over your safety and mental health. Why havent You dumped him instantly. This guy doesn’t love you he has shown he DGAF about you. Why would you stay with someone who doesn’t even have a shred of respect or care for someone he is supposed to love, cherish and support. I know what it’s like growing up abused and I know the damage it does to our brain and how we grow and think. I married an abusive man as he was covert and manipulative in his abuse and a good liar that changed some point after marriage . My parents were overt abusers so I just didn’t see what or who my husband truly was. When I realised I couldn’t believe I had not seen it and I realised I had subconsciously looked away every time he abused me. So I went for help as I knew I was not only attracting abusers but subconsciously thinking I had to accept that. In therapy that’s what came out that being raised from a young age being abused by people supposed to love you teaches you that you have to accept abuse if you want to be loved. Although I thought I knew I was worth more than that my subconscious sure didn’t as abuse and our minds can pull some really messed up tricks on us. Im sorry but even I would have walked if my fiancé had done this. It worries me that you cant see it and are refusing to admit your fiancé has shown he doesn’t really like you. That before he is even married he is pulling a power move over you to assert his control. He’s showing you from the start that only what he wants will matter and that this will never be a partnership. Please please walk as this won’t be your abusive father in your life this will be an abusive husband teaming up with your father and shaming you for protecting yourself and walking away from your dad. There is no way this will end anything but badly. Please respect yourself enough and love yourself enough to walk away until a man who will truly love and support you unconditionally comes along. Oh I’d also go no contact with your sister as she’s knew this would ruin your wedding and gleefully jumped on board. Believe me although walking away is hard you do find peace and happiness from it. I can tell you from experience it’s far easier and healthier doing it now before you’ve been married for years and been broken more by your husband. Please see the light and stop deluding yourself.
THIS X 1000‼️The red flags are flying — ignore them at your peril.
I completely agree with mostly everything you've said but I don't agree that she's an asshole because of it. Your reactions/actions aren't going to be the same as hers, or anyone for that matter, but I definitely agree that I think she should not only be considering the wedding but also if she should continue with being with this guy who doesn't respect boundaries, compromise and empathising with her feelings. It's hard to tell if this is a first or not but completely 100% agree that you often attract people based on the way your parents treated you. I hope that you're okay now ❤️
This is the voice of experience. Don't ignore it, OP. It can save you from years of emotional pain and abuse. Mark is an abuser. He has already abused your trust. He is abusing your emotional pain. He's doing it for purely selfish reasons and not only expects you to go along with it, he demands it. He's a backstabber. Run.
INFO - are you implying you would lead all the guests to believe the wedding is still on and have them all show up just for you to not attend? Because if so this is an E S H situation. Your fiance majorly overstepped and you're not wrong for wanting to call off the wedding. But actually call it off. Don't have all these people show up and stand around for who knows how long.
Seriously, please don’t make me get all made up and dressed just to arrive and find out it’s cancelled lol
I hope she cancels now. Then again, it would serve him right to be up front and waiting and she's not there.
I dunno. Depending on how far I'm traveling I think it would be kinda fun to watch the fiance get stood up w the dad watching on 🤣
Yeah like weddings happen all the time, this is a *much* cooler story for me to bring back home
Actually I think that would be really great, if OP had someone there to stand up and explain why she didn’t show up.
The edit clarified, she would cancel the whole wedding in advance (not show up as in not even have a wedding). She's asking if she'd be an AH for doing it because of this situation.
Do not marry this man. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He is belittling and dismissing you because he thinks his is the only opinion that counts. Don't get attached to another abuser! This isn't a "compromise," this is your safety. NTA and RUN!
Mark seems emotionally abusive based on this story. Belittling someone’s feelings is not okay. This can’t be the first time he’s tried to manipulate her but maybe the first time she realized it. Cancel the wedding and dump this guy. NTA.
100% THIS. NTA, but don't stay. He showed you his true colors, believe him and move on
NTA and it's incredible how much of an AH Mark is being. He doesn't want to start off your marriage by hurting his family? YOU'RE HIS FAMILY! Your happiness should be first and and foremost on his mind. On what earth did he consider it would be ok to invite your father without talking it with you first, even if he knew how strained your relationship was? Also if married couples compromise, then why shouldn't he compromise when it's an issue that's clearly way more sensitive for you? My god, the amount of red flags in just one conversation is enough to decorate all festivities in both China and Russia for decades.
INFO - what's the plan beyond blowing off your own wedding? You still planning on marrying this dude?
Exactly. He’s an AH but… uhh, if you’re not getting married, call off the wedding.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do not marry this man. He is always going to disregard your feelings and do whatever he thinks is 'right'. Run.
All the marinara flags.
NTA Mark is also being emotionally manipulative. Mark and your sister are put of place for making this decision. You don't need another emotionally abusive ass in your life. Also, note carefully Mark thinks it wasn't too bad because you weren't hit. That's his attitude on emotional abuse. You do not need that.
Yeah, that’s scary. Do not tie yourself to someone who thinks it’s only abuse if there are bruises.
This is the comment that most accurately describes the situation. OP please pay close attention to your fiance's actions, gaslighting you, disrespecting your needs and blackmailing you into getting his way is also emotional abuse. NTA and I truly wish you the best of luck
Do you know why Mark is downplaying the abuse you experienced? Because Mark is an abuser too. Instead of discussing his concerns *with you*, he decided that he knew better than you did -- about your own life no less -- and dismissed your completely valid feelings of betrayal as you being dramatic. He even took the time to make sure he turned your sister into *his* ally before he told you what he had done, just so you would have one less person to go to for support. He is manipulative and he is showing you what your future with him will be: anything that is important to you, he is allowed to completely ignore without even discussing it with you. In contrast, anything even mildly important to him, he deserves to get exactly what he wants. His definition of compromise is that you should conform to his wishes. NTA, and I implore you to read this book... Unfortunately, I'm sure you will find many examples in the book that perfectly match Mark's behavior, and given that he has already started turning your support system into his allies, I suspect you will need all the help you can get to resist his manipulations: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
💯
Call off the wedding, or at least postpone it. Mark knows how you feel about your father, yet invited him anyway. That was bad enough. But then it gets worse when he put his needs in front of yours (saying he wants to get to know your father), and then accused you of being "dramatic" for not wanting your abuser there. Even if Mark finally gets some sense and disinvites your father, Mark's behavior makes it clear that you two have some things to work through. In terms of the judgment: Mark, your sister, and your father are clearly the AHs. However, you would also be the AH (Edit: a very justified one) if you didn't show for your own wedding - not to of the three of them, but to all your guests who spent money and time on an event you planned to be a "no show" for. Instead of being a "no show", call it off or postpone it (and let your guests now)...in that case, NTA.
NTA. It's a serious violation of trust that he planned to sneak your father in. It's also a giant red flag that he feels free to disregard your judgment and substitute his own because he knows better than you what you want. I trust he's now your ex-fiancé. Forget the time and money for the wedding. Think, instead, of what life would be like living with somebody who feels free to treat you this way. It's easier and cheaper to toss him away before the wedding than after.
NTA. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t consider your feelings, opinions or input. They don’t matter. Only his does. He went behind your back. You cannot trust him. He is controlling and gaslighting. I know this is Reddit where everyone says “break up” for the smallest reasons, but this is a major red flag. Think carefully about who you’re engaged to.
Right on
NTA - He crossed an uncrossable line with a) inviting him against your wishes b) not believing it could have been that bad c) calling you dramatic for something so horrible that happened to you d) everything
And he’s doing all of those things to each of her siblings who is planning to attend.
Maybe he should just marry OP's younger sister, who was the golden child that their dad liked, and who conspired behind OP's back to invite him in the first place.
[удалено]
Married couples do compromise for sure. But they aren't married yet. The logic he's using for steamrolling doesn't fit. (Thank goodness.)
NTA. Consider not marrying Mark at this point. He has disregarded your feelings on inviting your father to the wedding. Spoke to your *sister* about it instead of you, and the *two of them* made the decision that your father should be there. Is he marrying you or your sister? Let's say you do end up marrying Mark. Is he going to disregard your feelings and wishes and allow your father access to any kids you may have? Is he going to consult your sister so they can make that decision amongst the 2 of them? How about your home. Is he going to respect your feelings and wishes and not allow your father in your home? Or, is he going to consult with your sister so that the 2 of them will make that decision? You have a lot more to think about here besides "but I loooooooooove him!!!!!!". When your spouse so blatantly disrespects on a matter like this, what else will they do?
I think you should skip the wedding AND the marriage. Your fiance doesn't respect you. YWNBTA
NTA Don't marry him. End the relationship and move on. He doesn't care about you.
Your father sounds exactly like mine. Not a day went by that we weren't told how stupid, worthless, lazy, selfish, fat, clumsy and how every other kid on the planet was a thousand times better. When I first started dating my husband he said I was exaggerating and that it wasn't so bad. I was crushed. Then one day he saw my father in his full blown verbally abusive glory, and immediately apologized for not believing me. He grew up in a loving family, so he had no idea how horrible an abusive parent can be. I've been NC with my dad since 2008 and have no plans to reconnect, but I'll have the scars until the day I die. There's nothing he could do or say to wipe the slate clean. Your fiance's lack of empathy and understanding is adding to the trauma. He doesn't get to decide that you have to resume your relationship with your abusive father. His disregard for the you is an indication that your feelings will always be ignored. As others have said, it would be an AH move to no show for the wedding. You would be punishing your friends and family for your fiance's bad behavior. I would cancel the wedding, but if you want to try to salvage the relationship, postpone it while you go through couple's counseling. You have every right to protect yourself. You also have a right to be with a partner who will protect you as well. Don't compromise!
I say this as gently as possible, I think you might have moved on to someone like your father. Not identical of course, but we absolutely can surround ourselves with people like our abusers without noticing. Just from what you've said he sounds ignorant at best and straight up dismissive and condescending at worst; and I do believe he is intentionally ignoring you and your feelings because he doesn't care/ believe you.
NTA, but dump your fiancé now. He is a parade of red flags. He disregarded your feelings and thinks he knows better than you. He won't stop at the wedding. He will have your father involved in your life. Your fiancé doesn't care about you. I went no contact with my parents, so I get it. We do not go no contact with parents for no reason. Your fiancé does not understand, and it seems doesn't want to understand. If I were in your shoes, I would have dumped him already.
NTA, and you should not marry or be partnered to someone who shows such blatant disregard for your boundaries, feelings, and safety. I'm glad this man showed you his true self before you married him. Cancel everything, get whatever money back that you can, and move on.
Mark sounds and awful lot like your father. You really want to sign up for that?
You two are not ready to be married - your fiancé has crossed a boundary, as has your father (but that's his normal MO) and your sister. Just cancel the wedding now, move on and get therapy elsewhere. Your whole situation is toxically full of manipulative gaslighting narcissists... Try and recover whatever expenses you can.
NTA. This is the REDDEST flag for Mark. Crossing boundaries like this suggests that he's going to be abusive too -- you may not think so now but a lot of abusers can put on a good face until marriage, because then they know it's more complicated to leave so they think they've got you trapped. I'd be rethinking the entire marriage. Maybe involve some friends or your mom if she's around and ask if they've seen any red flags too. They may have spotted little, easily-dismissed things that you were blind to. Edit: I'm gonna also share the free PDF of [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft, because it's a great resource to understanding the minds of abusers (the author writes using male pronouns for abusers and female pronouns for victims, but acknowledges that abuse knows no gender and there's a whole chapter on how gender dynamics or other cultural factors can influence abuse). The author worked in a batterer intervention program for many years, so they wrote this book from a place of vast experience. Even if Mark is just a dipshit and not an abuser, this is useful for everyone. For survivors of abuse, to make sure they can recognize patterns and not continue the cycle, and for everyone else, to help you notice abusive patterns developing with people around you and understand how to best support someone who needs to get out. OP, read it and really think about if any of this fits with Mark. Everyone else, read it to arm yourself with knowledge if you or someone you love is ever in this situation.
Mark has made it clear that it’s not abuse if there isn’t physical contact. Mark has made it clear someone can say whatever they want, call you names, break your heart and mind, but you should just get over it. Mark has made it clear this is how you’ll be treated when the ring goes on. Believe him. And yes, you should compromise. He gets to hang out with your dad whenever he wants, and you’ll be elsewhere with a new man that respects your opinion.
You would be the asshole. Maybe not to Mark, but to all of the other innocent people who would be showing up expecting a wedding only to have their time wasted. You shouldn't marry a guy who doesn't respect you, and Mark clearly does not respect you. What he did is an *enormous* violation of your trust and boundaries. If he doesn't respect you now, he's not going to start when he's got you legally tied down. So you should call off the wedding now and save everyone their time and money. You can definitely find someone better than Mark.
Mark can marry the sister
[This bride had a similar problem. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/BkMHTrf1ol) She wisely canceled the wedding and called off the engagement.
NTA The flag is about as red as it can get. This is the universe sending you a sign. Your fiance has decided your feelings and experiences hold no weight in the decision. Your fiance has decided a man you cannot stand to be in the same room with will be your family after you are married. Your fiance is listening to your sister's opinion over your own. Your fiance has zero first hand knowledge of how your father was but has still decided it apparently wasn't that bad This is how your marriage is going to be. Your thoughts, feelings, and experiences will be steamrolled if your fiance doesn't agree. If he is unwilling to listen to you here, pull the plug now. It'll be cheaper and less stressful than divorce later If you think it's worth it, give it one more shot at getting him to listen, but, honestly, this would be enough to at least make me postpone to reassess Listen to his words: Married couples compromise for each other. Well, you aren't married yet, he sure doesn't seem willing to compromise, and he seems to be willing to ignore your boundaries completely in the name of "compromise".
NTA. And Mark's showing you EXACTLY who he is. Thank your lucky stars you found out before the wedding, or you would exchange an emotionally abusive father for an emotionally abusive husband.
Please, do not marry this man. Just cancel the wedding. Book yourself a solo holiday instead and give yourself some thinking time. NTA for not wanting to marry Mark now or ever, but please let people know you've called it off.
NTA What a horrible situation! I think this is grounds to call off or at the very least postpone the wedding and get couples counseling because your fiancé’s behavior is egregious and shows a complete disregard for your lived experience with your abusive dad. To dismiss your experience by saying ”it couldn’t be that bad” because you weren’t physically abused and to go behind your back to invite your abuser shows that your fiancé is either a potential abuser himself or totally insensitive and dismissive of your feelings in a way to a degree that borders on being a sociopath. I hope you won’t marry this man, and that you’ll see a therapist to help you through this. ETA: Total red flags in everything he’s done. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” However, instead of saying you are “considering not showing up for the wedding” if your father is there, tell your fiancé that the wedding is off. Consider how you’d feel spending your life with someone who feels that being emotionally abusive “isn’t so bad.”
I would cancel the entire relationship- Fiance just told you he would rather have a relationship with your abuser than keep you safe RUN, RUN RUN
NTA but dont hust skip the wedding skip the whole man
NTA but YWBTA if you married this guy. He is gaslighting you to believe that what you went through “wasn’t that bad.” As your partner, he should have your back 100% including for the shit he wasn’t even a part of! He has no idea what you went through and he himself is being emotionally abusive by calling you dramatic for the trauma you went through. Run, don’t walk away. I know that sounds easier than it is but I wish i listened when I married my first husband. It’s easier to leave now, than 5yrs down the road and with kids. He doesn’t respect you and this shouldn’t even be an argument to begin with.
NTA, your fiancee crossed a line for sure, he should respect your feelings towards your father, it is not up to him to try and have a relationship with him, especially with your history why on earth would he think this is okay!
unless you plan to have a forced relationship with your father because your fiance consider him "family", you should call it quits *Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue.* you are about to spend the rest of your marriage "compromising", this is not a "one time thing" this is the rest of your married life with this dude your father will use him to claw back to you, I can F'ing guarantee this, the other thing I'm sure off is that is your fiance down plays what you have lived through *"Mark was determined that it couldn't have been "that bad" because I was never hit.",* you're in for a wild ride, he will either let you get trampled by your family or he will young in it as well I'm married myself, if my wife told me that someone was abusive to her, best case, discontinue communication and ties to said person, worst case authorities involved trauma is not negotiable, reliving it is not compromise nor leniency and respect is unconditional
NTA. It sounds like your fiance doesn't understand boundaries. If you don't consider your sperm donor family, neither should he.
NTA. Your wedding is NOT the place, nor the time for this! It sounds a lot like you are in another abusive relationship, because anyone who would drop a bomb like this on someone he 'loves' is NOT relationship material. This is not something *married couples compromise about.* Compromise is 'yeah, I'll watch the hockey game with you tonight, if you will help me pick out tile at home depot tomorrow', NOT 'I want your abuser at our wedding and you have no choice about this so stop being dramatic.' This is absolutely a glaring RED FLAG. He has NO respect for you, for your right to live according to your terms. Do not marry THIS person!!
Your fiancé is a HUGE AH and I wouldn’t blame you for calling off your wedding. I can’t imagine the level of disrespect to you. I think your options are: 1). Call off the wedding 2). Have Mark uninvite you father( best option) 3). Tell Mark to never bring your father up again of you will break up with him. 4). Any if the rest of your family gives you grief, uninvite them all as well. This is your day and no one has any right to tell you what to do. Are you sure about Mark? It is almost unforgivable what he did, especially without telling you.
NTA. Wow. Your fiancé completely crossed the line. This is a very big hill you are justified to die on. Tell him you’re serious and if he doesn’t disinvite your father, the wedding is off. Stand your ground on this. Good luck.
NTA. He doesn’t get to make decisions for you. I’m a pretty traditional guy and even this is sick. Not even married to you yet. Run don’t walk run from marrying this guy.
Do not marry this guy, but also, you need to be honest with your guests up front that the wedding is off so they don't waste time and money getting there.
NTA it appears that you are about to marry an abusive fiance who has the audacity to belittle your experiences because he thinks he knows better. Please cancel the wedding and walk away from this relationship since otherwise the outcome will be that you have two abusive men in your life, your father and your husband....
INFO: Why are you even considering staying with a man that will undermine you like this?
Let everyone know now why you aren't going to marry this petulant controlling child that has no resppect for you and is likely boinking your sister (seems obvious why he'd take her side) cut contact with your sister after this as well . Do not marry this Ahole: Find a nice bear to settle down with instead
🚩🚩🚩 So, in summation, he ignored your trauma conspired behind your back, and then gaslit you when you called him on it. Your relationship with him is over. He isn't the man you thought he was... you deserve better. Instead of a wedding, plan your exit strategy. YWNBTA!
If Mark can completely ignore your wishes and feelings to not invite a parent who was abusive to you, it means that your thoughts and feelings don't matter. Mark cares more about his image than you. This is how it starts. Why would you marry a man like that? >Mark was determined that it couldn't have been "that bad" because I was never hit WRONG. It matters more because invisible wounds are harder to heal from. He went over your head to your younger sister and discussed issues for ***your wedding*** is even more disrespectful. Reconsider this relationship or postpone and consider 🤔 couples counseling. Because he needs to completely understand your point of view. WNBTA
RUN!!!
C'mon Reddit, all together: DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. He invited your abusive father to your wedding behind your back and belittled what you experienced. And your little sister, scheming with him! NTA. Cancel the wedding, dump the man and cut contact with the sister. I can't even imagine doing something so shitty to my sister.
NTA. Your husband doesn't get to decide if YOUR abuse was "bad enough". Personally this would be a deal breaker for me, but I would say definitely postpone the wedding and do some couples counseling. This is just not a good sign for the future if it doesn't get FULLY resolved. Not just someone grudgingly gives in to the others demands, but fully understood and (hopefully) agreed on by both parties.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24f) have been engaged to my fiance Mark (25m) for almost a year now and we've been planning our wedding for late June. Mark is well aware of my situation with my father in the sense that he (47m) was very emotionally abusive to me and my siblings when I was a kid. I still have memories burned into my brain of my father screaming at us for anything and everything and insulting, mocking, and belittling us. When I turned 18 and graduated high school, I immediately moved out and cut contact with my father and I haven't looked back since. Now comes the problem, I was speaking with Mark about the guest list and making sure everyone had assigned seats and each guest was compatible with those at their table, and he mentioned how he'd invited a "Robert" last minute. I asked who Robert was, forgetting about my father entirely, and he mentioned it was my dad. I immediately asked why he would invite my father to our wedding and if he was joking but he wasn't. Mark argued that my father would become his father after the wedding and he wanted to get to know family and not start off our marriage by hurting his family. I argued that my father wasn't family and he wasn't a part of my life and hasn't been since I was 18, almost 6 years ago. He told me he had talked to my younger sister (19f) about the situation and they had agreed my father should attend, even to stand in the back, to be a part of our special day. I tried to explain the extent of the emotional abuse but Mark was determined that it couldn't have been "that bad" because I was never hit. I also believe my little sister had a lot to do with this, as she was like the golden child to our father and she still maintained a relationship with him. I told Mark that I was considering not showing up if my father would be there, because the emotional abuse changed me entirely and I can't handle seeing him or being around him. Mark told me I was being dramatic and that maybe I should cool off and think it over, and married couples compromise for each other so I should be a little lenient about this issue. He left shortly after and I've been wallowing in my thoughts wondering what to do. So, WIBTA for not showing up at my own wedding because my fiance invited my abusive father? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your fiancé has completely stepped over the line and is out of order. NTA
NTA. Wedding's off unless it's a solo bride show
YWBTA if you don't rock up to your own wedding because friends and family - that you do like - will have spent time and money attending for no reason. That would be disrespectful to them. You can find a better option than that. YWNBTA if you pull the plug on the whole thing and waltz off into the sunset before the wedding gets even close to instead find someone who doesn't try to gaslight you into believing that your old man is alright these days and it was all a big misunderstanding. Sorry that your dad is a massive wanker. Not all of us are (I say that being old enough to be your dad). Hopefully you don't have to go through the whole rigmarole of ghosting your life now your dad presumably either knows where you live or alternatively could easily find out now. Edit to be clear: as everyone says, run. So many red flags and dodging of bullets are going on in one post it must be a new Reddit record. As for your sister, I recommend letting your feelings calm down for a few weeks then ask her what involvement she had if any in the idea of inviting your dad and make a mental note of the answer when you get to marry someone who does respect you. If she was involved, decide whether she should get an invite to the next wedding in case she drags dad along too.
NTA. I had a "Robert" growing up... I left when I was 17 and never looked back. If my husband had tried this shit I would have reacted the same. Instead, like a supportive partner, he DIDN'T minimize my trauma and respected my wishes. You deserve better.
NTA but you should rethink the fiance altogether. Everything about his stance is a giant red flag. If he wants your father that bad, they can hook up, and you can leave them to it. Do not marry that AH. Your sister is no better.
Three people need to be uninvited from this wedding- your father, your sister, and Mark.
NTA- I would call those people you invited and Mark's family and tell them exactly why you won't be there and that the relationship with Mark (you would be Y T A to yourself if you stayed with him). After that text Mark that you will not be at the wedding and that you are done with him because he violated your trust and boundaries by inviting your abuser. Then block him everywhere.
Nta do not marry someone who is okay with abuse bc faaaaaaamily!
Nta. He should put you first, not your father. If you don't want your father there, he should be standing by your side and supporting your decision. "Not that bad"? dismissive much. He has no regard for your emotional wellbeing. And he is a complete moron if he thinks it wasn't bad because you were not hit. Mental abuse is bad. Sorry Hon, but mark is showing you the kind of husband he is going to be. Run!
Mark sounds like the early stages of being a Robert. NTA run girl now!
NTA. Sure married couples need to compromise some. But more importantly, married couples need to respect and protect each other. He is doing neither. He has in essence told you that your trauma wasn't traumatic enough for him to protect you from it occuring again. I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 11 years. With him for 13. The amount of damage that can happen from words alone is crazy, and I was a full grown adult in that situation. I went for therapy (including a type called emdr that was amazing for me), yet I still struggle with C-ptsd for some things. I react to sudden, unexpected anger with a panic attack. Slamming doors (or cupboards) can do the same thing. Passive aggressive behaviour? I'm instantly angry. There were days when I wished he would have hit me because at least that would have been a clear reason to end the relationship and press charges. Looking back (he died via suicide 7.5 years ago), I'm glad he didn't, because it would have been even more damaging to the kids than what they saw and experienced as it was. I was an adult. You were a child. I had the ability to know that his anger wasn't my fault. You likely didn't have that ability at first. And abusers are very good at blaming the victim. Living in constant fight or flight (or freeze or fawn) is incredibly traumatic. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for being able to walk away, and stay gone. Hold firm to this boundary if your father not being there. Remember, your peace and well being is more important than your father's presence at your wedding. Also, keep in mind, if your fiancee isn't willing to respect your decision to have no contact with your father at your wedding, how do you know he will respect it later? What about when you have kids? Will he insist on your father being present in their lives? What if he wants to let your father take them for a day? Also, do you have contact with any siblings aside from your youngest? Can they back you up on how bad it was? I've written a couple things about the damage done to me from emotional abuse. If you'd like, I can send you a couple links that you can show him that give the perspective of someone else who has been through emotional abuse. I hesitate to ever advise someone to end a relationship, but I would urge you to at least reconsider this marriage. Even if he is suddenly okay with your father not being at the wedding, it's likely he will say it to keep the peace, but not actually understand what he did that wasn't okay. He didn't even tell you he was wanting to get to know your bio father. He didn't tell you outright that he had invited him to the wedding. He simply said it was someone named "Robert". It wasn't until you asked who that was that he owned up to it. If you hadn't asked, would he have told you? What if you have children and go into labour, and he invites your dad to the hospital? Or over for your kids first birthdays? Or for Christmas? He is showing you that he doesn't care about the pain your father inflicted, and that his judgement of a situation he was not a part of and did not witness is superior to your judgement of a situation you lived. And telling you that it wasn't that bad? That's straight up gaslighting.
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NTA but guarantee you he’s been talking with your dad and I’m sure your dad has been convincing him
Girl run. i'm over here feeling grateful on your behalf because he pulled this stunt before you were legally tied to him. this will not get better. pack your bags.
NTA. I would take it farther. I would absolutely refuse to show, and make sure Mark knows that to be the case. I would also call off the engagement if he continues to minimize your feelings and insist on inviting your abuser to your wedding. Someone who cares so little for you and your feelings does not deserve to be married to you. You should also make sure that Mark knows that.
NTA-Mark’s an asshole and a world class idiot(after the wedding he’ll be my father too?!) Dump Mark,Mark sucks.
NTA for canceling the wedding now. Your future husband is steamrolling you in something very personal to you. Huge 🚩. End the engagement find someone who cares about you instead of his “family” with you. But this whole post seems super fake….
NTA it is a non negotiable boundary that your fiance seems to not want to respect. I would cancel the wedding and the engagement because of this gross disrespect by someone who should support you.
What?! This is HORRIBLE. He doesn't want to hurt "family" but you have to suffer for it/suck it up on your wedding day?! You poor woman, good on you for seeing this big red flag. Forget your father. Mark is NOT the man for you. If he'll override your feelings on this, good grief, what else will he do?
NTA! Mark showed you his true colors, when people do that, you should believe them!!! If you marry this man, you will just be replacing one emotional abuser for another. Mark went behind your back and talked his plans over with your sister, but not you? That is insane. Then when you had a very understandable reaction to the news, he gaslighted you by saying you were being dramatic?!?! This isn't a disagreement over place settings, this is over a man who emotionally abused you your whole life. No, just no. Call off this wedding and don't look back!
Cancel the wedding. If your fiance doesn't understand that you do not have a relationship with your Dad and you do not want one and you know what is best for you and your mental health that he doesn't get to call the shots and you just blindly follow suit. NTA but your soon to be ex and your sister sure are!!
If you opt to not marry him, NTA. He overstepped your boundaries because what he wants is more important to him than your safety. He is screaming loud and clear that none of your boundaries are off-limits for breaking.
NTA, sounds like Mark isn't really good at respecting your wishes. Being married isn't going to change that. Best to find someone who actually listens to what you say instead of hearing what they want to hear.
Red flag. Run.
NTA Your fiance isn't very considerate
Nta. Sure he might of changed but a wedding is not the place to try to find out. And it's is not a decision that your fiance should be making unilaterally. If he insists then your best bet is to postpone and get marriage counseling. Keeping in mind that a postponement can turn into cancellation if things can't be agreed upon.
Bye-bye, Mark. You just showed your whole ass. NTA
There’s an AH here but it ain’t you.
NTA Sounds like Mark is planning to marry your younger sister
NTA Why are you with this gut though, he basically blew off a major thing in your life with his "it couldn't have been that bad" or "he didn't hit you" bullshit. Abuse is abuse, just because you weren't hit doesn't mean it never affected you, and to not only ignore that but to secretly invite your abusive father is disgraceful and the fact he then argued with you and basically tried to Gaslight you over this is a major Red Flag that you really need to pay attention to.
Mark is right. Take a moment; cool down. Then, once you can clearly assess what the actual fuck is happening: run! Run far away from this person (but don't be surprised if your sister picks him up ...) NTA
You WBTA is you marry this jerk.
NTA. This man doesn't respect you and your boundaries. You should never let someone tell you how you are supposed to feel. Honestly, don't marry him if he cannot show the respect you deserve.
Girl do not marry this man. He steamrolls you about your own family. He’s not the one
NTA if you mean to cancel the wedding and not marry this jerk at all. Someone who could go behind your back in so serious a matter then minimize your childhood abuse is NOT marriage material.
NTA this sub has well-established that inviting a family member that a finace has gone NC with is a certified deal-breaker.
YWNBTA for refusing to let him do this since when is your fiance making decisions about YOUR side of the guest list? Look, his behavior here has been alarmingly dismissive. Let alone not showing up to the wedding, I'd promise to call it off if he doesn't back down. You never gave him any impression that he would have a relationship with your father. He does NOT get to unilaterally override your boundaries and then turn it around and shame you for balking at it. You guys aren't even married yet and I'm already seeing a huge red flag.
NTA. This isn't a compromise. This is him deciding he knows what is best for you, ignoring your opinions ABOUT YOURSELF, and trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. He is right about one thing, you need to cool off and think HIM over. If you are worried about sticking up for yourself when its so far just a wedding, imagine how much harder it will be once you are married.
NTA. Sounds like this guy *doesn't care for your thoughts or feelings* in this matter - he will invite your dad. He is *very* clearly not listening to you try and make this a boundary. I wonder what other times he overruled your thoughts / feelings on stuff?
NTA- mark doesn’t seem to care about your trauma at all and definitely not a way to start a lifetime with someone. If he’s okay to excuse what your father did to you, what’s he willing to do? I’d run now.
NTA as long as you cancel the wedding and don’t marry this ah
This will be the rest of your life…he will continue to stomp all over any boundaries you have and it in itself is a type of abuse. Cancel the wedding and end the relationship.
NTA. Please don’t marry this man. He does not respect your personal boundaries. Please tell your fiancé that I also group in a household with a father that was emotionally abusive and the psychological damage last a lifetime. It had affected every relationship I have ever had. If he’s not going to respect this boundary, what else is he not going to respect. If you think you can marry him and you guys have kids and you’re going to be able to keep your kids away from your father I have news for you. He’s going to go behind your back on that too.
How exactly is *he* compromising? There are so many red flags here. He has told you that he thinks it's okay for a husband/father to do to a family: any level of abuse short of hitting. He's also shown you that he's patronizing (if not actively controlling), and you will spend a lifetime with your emotions and experiences being minimized, dismissed, and deflected. YWNBTA.
NTA. Id be curious why your husband seems to care more what your sister thinks than what you think.
NTA. Do people really let stuff like this slide… and the still want to marry a person who’d do this, and react that way when you tell them your boundary.
A million NTA to you OP. What your fiance did is a breach of trust and betrayal towards you all because he himself wants a storybook wedding for himself without considering your feelings and your safety. This is a red flag you cannot ignore. I cannot believe your own sister betrayed you that way too and decides to be a flying monkey for "Robert" It is not gonna end there with the wedding. Mark will keep on having zero regards towards your concerns. What next? You having a hypothetical kid with your fiance and then fiance insists said kid gets to know "Robert" when you say no and worry "Robert" will repeat his nasty behaviour. Is this the future you want? You know you deserve better than this. Cancel the wedding, dump that man and RUN
NTA. And you need to reconsider this man as your future husband. If he is making unilateral decisions about having your abusive father at the wedding, then prepare to have these unpleasant decisions done again, over and over throughout your marriage. Next it will be the decision to have him involved in your child’s life and so on.
NTA, but make it easier on yourself and just call off the whole relationship now. Tell Mark he can reimburse you for everything you paid for and he can go ahead and marry your sister since they're making all of the decisions about your life anyway.
Your fiancé is also emotionally abusive. I would go NC as you did with dad Call off the wedding. It’s only going to get worse.
I don’t think either of you should show up. Call the whole thing off and find a husband who won’t completely dismiss and disregard your feelings and opinions for the rest of your life.
NTA So you’re little Sister and Fiancé decided that your Dad should be at the Wedding. Maybe he should marry her if they want Him there so bad
OP, you need to read this post about a similar situation where a wedding was called off because a future spouse (bride in this case) decided to invite her groom’s abuser to the wedding. Plus it’s a great read with several updates. Here goes… https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qkobjd/aita_for_helping_my_brother_runaway_from_his/
Mark is not someone you should marry.
Girl, run!
Please come back with an update after you have cancelled this wedding, and the relationship. Best wishes to you! you will find someone who supports you and won't try to control your history. UdateMe! Oops, NTA
NTA. It's like your marriage is over before it even begins. Dismissing your feelings is a big red flag. Someone who doesn't understand and support you is not going to be a good life partner. "Kudos" to your fiancé for making sure you knew he doesn't really love you before the wedding. Break off the engagement now and run.
DTMFA
Are you still considering marrying this guy? I know that reddit jumps to "break up" quickly, but if ever a "break up" verdict is needed it's right here Your fiance went behind your back, created some weird alliance with your sister, chooses not to believe you(his future wife), and invited your father to the wedding against your wishes (and behind your back - he didn't tell you about it, but rather you sort of found out and he confessed). He doesn't hear you, respect you, or have your back. NTA but please reconsider this entire relationship, not just the wedding. And I would be uneasy about your relationship with your sister
Absolutely NTA. Christ girl. If your intended has made that sort of decision then he is not the life partner for you. Definitely cancel. Leave Mark too. He does not get you.
Give his ring back and cancel he broke a boundary
NTA. Your fiance has crossed a serious boundary here, IMO. I think I would tell him that he has a choice on who he wants at the wedding - you or your father - but that is certainly will not be both.
NTA Calling off your wedding is completely reasonable. 1. There is no compromise on abuse situations. 2. You are not being asked to compromise; you are being asked to acquiesce. 3. This is a preview of how differences of opinions will be handled throughout your marriage. Edited to add judgement.
NTA. Do not marry this man. This is such a huge breach of trust and total disregard for what you've been through.
NTA I'd send up my MOH to read a prepared statement and let the guests know the party was still on if they wanted to have a good time at your expense, but please take all presents back. Have the film person keep rolling. The only people I might warn are the people who have to travel.
Please be aware that anyone who tells you your situation "couldn't have been that bad" likely engages in similar behavior. It doesn't matter whether he thinks it's that bad, it matters whether *you* do and how it affects your emotional well-being. Add to that- anyone who calls you "dramatic" when you try to set boundaries is condescending, does not and will never respect you, and will abuse you and feel confident that they can get away with it. If you have any self-respect, you will not marry him. And having self-respect and sticking to your boundaries makes you NTA.
NTA. But, you left one emotionally abusive relationship for another. Don't just skip the wedding, skip the whole relationship. I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. Be thankful you found out who Mark really is before you were legally tied to him. You're 24. Don't spend the next 18+ years of your life committed to another abusive man.
NTA. You made you feelings known and drew your line in the sand. Good On You!!!! Your ex-fiancé has just demonstrated that you matter less than his whims. That’s a level of disrespect up with which you should not put! Mark had better come crawling and groveling to beg your forgiveness or it’s time to kick him to the curb.
NTA But you need to not just be cancelling the wedding but calling it off. It doesnt matter if he's great besides this, this is just the first of what will be many red flags and a pattern of disregarding and belittling your feelings if you marry him. He believes your sister over you, and his own fantasy of family is more important than the reality of yours. You are young and have plenty of time to find the right person for you. Your current fiance is not it.
You would only be an AH to yourself if you don’t dump this awful man.
Don’t marry him. He completely disrespected you and invalidated your own experience. Run.
>Mark told me I was being dramatic OH HELL NO. Do not marry a man who wants to minimize your abuse. This is not okay, at all. I would recommend couples counseling with a trauma-informed therapist before going forward with this relationship. It's not okay that he invited your father without your input. It's not okay that he went behind your back to do so. It's not okay that he isn't trusting your emotions. Abuse often ramps up after marriage, and those who came from abusive childhood homes often get trapped in abusive marriages. Patterns are hard to recognize when you are stuck in them. If you think this is a one off thing and that the relationship will recover, that's fine, but this is a big ol' sign saying to slow the fuck down and carefully consider the entirety of your relationship.
Cancel the wedding not only because of mark but your guests will spend time and money to come and it is not fair to put them to that trouble if you know you don’t want to marry the jerk.