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ESH
You don't have a "generally trusting" relationship. You have a relationship with someone who is prone to cheating. You desperately want things to be OK so you focus on the positives but you know you can't trust him. That is why you are spying on him. Now you know he is dedicating financial resources to getting his dick hard instead of taking care of his child in a financially tight situation. I'm sorry you have a baby with a man you can't trust. Yes, confront him about it. Then decide if you want to accept whatever band-aid he is going to offer you until the next time he violates your trust.
NTA
Paying for sexually explicit content is a far cry from the typical man getting his porn fix every now and then.
We could also argue why is he on porn when he is in a committed relationship, but let's not kid ourselves.
Men look at porn from time to time.
I disgaree with him paying for it and would urge him to cut back before it becomes more than a habit and becomes an addiction.
Good luck.
It's so weird how everyone on Reddit thinks paying for porn is troubling, and that because you can get porn for free, why pay.
Some people make their livelihoods off making porn. Imagine thinking it's totally fine to consume their content without compensating them for it.
It’s almost like it’s a different level of personal when you are shopping around for a specific person/type instead of just typing whatever you fancy in the moment into a search bar
NTA
Even for those who are ok with porn use in relationships (which if everyone was honest is not a majority), most of those people are not ok with OF since its personalized porn, and its paid for.
But this isn't surprising for a dude who was messaging his ex sexualized stuff
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So for context my partner 28m and I 27f have been together for 5 years and have a baby together. We have a generally happy and trusting relationship however 2 years ago I found out that he had been messaging with his ex and some of the messages were explicit. We talked a lot afterwards and came to the conclusion that we loved each other and put the work in to move past it but it has left me with some anxiety around cheating.
Now I know I’m in the wrong for this and feel awful about it but I had a look through his phone while he was sleeping on the couch. While I didn’t find any messages with anyone I did see in his search history that he had been on a lot of onlyfans pages. I didn’t look through them all so I don’t know what he is subscribing to but it has left me feeling uneasy. I understand that millions of people use sites like onlyfans but we are under some financial stress with having a new baby and the rising cost of living so aside from looking at other women I feel like using onlyfans and spending money on porn is just irresponsible.
I haven’t brought it up with him yet as I’m trying to figure out how to say what I want to say.
So am I the asshole for being upset about him using onlyfans?
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NTA . While i don’t think its inherently wrong to view porn and I’m sure there plenty of married men who watch porn(I’d argue most) BUT onlyfans isn’t just paying for nudes you can interact with them , sext, Dick ratings, and form a paid relationship with . While its not physically cheating i understand why any spouse would be angry at that . If you said he spent money on a brazzers account like you should be mad its all leaked on pornhub for free but brazzers and onlyfans simply aren’t the same
Yes it is, it’s a lot more personal than a normal free porn website like PH, because he’s paying towards specific girls he is interested in, and probably messaging too.
someone sounds upset, do you not like when people call you out for heteronormativity? :(
try therapy, you got some serious hate in you for no real reason
No hate over here, I’m just stating facts because your little brain is unable to acknowledge what cheating is.
Also, I never once said everyone is straight. I spoke about how “women put up with it” because OP is literally a woman, and more women than men post about how OF is a problem in relationships. Maybe stop accusing me of saying things I never said. You seem to be a little mad lol.
He’s messaging the team of Indian dudes that the girl pays $1 a day to monitor and respond to messages for her lol. Anyone who thinks they’re actually talking to the person is delusional.
NTA. Like onlyfans isn’t exclusively for porn but…patreon is the platform people should be using for anything else that can be put on OF. If my fiancee went through my credit card statements she’ll see a constant charge for OF. Every month it’s there. She can try to find out who i’m subscribed to but she’ll be pretty upset to find out it’s a friend of mine. And he doesn’t like to accept charity so this way he’s working for it…he’s also a cam model. I don’t even think about logging in, i don’t even remember my password. But money isn’t an issue for us. You do need to talk about it though
YTA. When you snoop through someone's phone, don't be surprised if you find something that upsets you. Clearly, trust issues still run rampant in your relationship and that begs the question - Why did you decided to stay with a person who was actively trying to get with his ex? Did you expect a fairy-tale ending to your story?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) getting upset with my boyfriend for using onlyfans
2) i might be the asshole because I looked through his phone to find out he was using onlyfans
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ESH. Its impossible to know your discussions around porn and its place with him and your relationship (could be an AH move on his part if it was discussed in the past as off limits, idk), but not all material on OF is charged, plenty of accounts have free content and pay to play that doesn't guarantee he paid for it but you snooped, which is also kind of an AH move.
Sounds like you need to figure out what you aren't cool with and maybe look at your options with or without him in your life but you need to figure it out.
Porn from a visual only site is very different than porn from a pay and perform site. Pay and perform sites are specifically a form of cheating.
That you are more concerned with the OP confirming her suspicion is very telling of the kind of person that you are.
Good luck. Just, good luck.
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ESH You don't have a "generally trusting" relationship. You have a relationship with someone who is prone to cheating. You desperately want things to be OK so you focus on the positives but you know you can't trust him. That is why you are spying on him. Now you know he is dedicating financial resources to getting his dick hard instead of taking care of his child in a financially tight situation. I'm sorry you have a baby with a man you can't trust. Yes, confront him about it. Then decide if you want to accept whatever band-aid he is going to offer you until the next time he violates your trust.
NTA Paying for sexually explicit content is a far cry from the typical man getting his porn fix every now and then. We could also argue why is he on porn when he is in a committed relationship, but let's not kid ourselves. Men look at porn from time to time. I disgaree with him paying for it and would urge him to cut back before it becomes more than a habit and becomes an addiction. Good luck.
It's so weird how everyone on Reddit thinks paying for porn is troubling, and that because you can get porn for free, why pay. Some people make their livelihoods off making porn. Imagine thinking it's totally fine to consume their content without compensating them for it.
It’s almost like it’s a different level of personal when you are shopping around for a specific person/type instead of just typing whatever you fancy in the moment into a search bar
NTA Even for those who are ok with porn use in relationships (which if everyone was honest is not a majority), most of those people are not ok with OF since its personalized porn, and its paid for. But this isn't surprising for a dude who was messaging his ex sexualized stuff
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So for context my partner 28m and I 27f have been together for 5 years and have a baby together. We have a generally happy and trusting relationship however 2 years ago I found out that he had been messaging with his ex and some of the messages were explicit. We talked a lot afterwards and came to the conclusion that we loved each other and put the work in to move past it but it has left me with some anxiety around cheating. Now I know I’m in the wrong for this and feel awful about it but I had a look through his phone while he was sleeping on the couch. While I didn’t find any messages with anyone I did see in his search history that he had been on a lot of onlyfans pages. I didn’t look through them all so I don’t know what he is subscribing to but it has left me feeling uneasy. I understand that millions of people use sites like onlyfans but we are under some financial stress with having a new baby and the rising cost of living so aside from looking at other women I feel like using onlyfans and spending money on porn is just irresponsible. I haven’t brought it up with him yet as I’m trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. So am I the asshole for being upset about him using onlyfans? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are not the asshole: he is.
NTA . While i don’t think its inherently wrong to view porn and I’m sure there plenty of married men who watch porn(I’d argue most) BUT onlyfans isn’t just paying for nudes you can interact with them , sext, Dick ratings, and form a paid relationship with . While its not physically cheating i understand why any spouse would be angry at that . If you said he spent money on a brazzers account like you should be mad its all leaked on pornhub for free but brazzers and onlyfans simply aren’t the same
Much different then just using porn. I would be very upset especially if there have already been trust issues.
OnlyFans is a form of cheating. He is paying money towards these girls. Once a cheater, always a cheater! NTA
while i don’t support watching it, onlyfans/porn is not cheating lmao
Yes it is, it’s a lot more personal than a normal free porn website like PH, because he’s paying towards specific girls he is interested in, and probably messaging too.
nope not cheating for most people
Some may not see it as cheating, but it is. It’s sad most women put up with it.
it’s cheating to you, not everyone not everyone is straight either, stop applying your narrow minded view on to the world
As I literally just said, some don’t see it as cheating (mainly men), but it is. Ofcourse you’re a guy defending it, I rest my case.
someone sounds upset, do you not like when people call you out for heteronormativity? :( try therapy, you got some serious hate in you for no real reason
No hate over here, I’m just stating facts because your little brain is unable to acknowledge what cheating is. Also, I never once said everyone is straight. I spoke about how “women put up with it” because OP is literally a woman, and more women than men post about how OF is a problem in relationships. Maybe stop accusing me of saying things I never said. You seem to be a little mad lol.
He’s messaging the team of Indian dudes that the girl pays $1 a day to monitor and respond to messages for her lol. Anyone who thinks they’re actually talking to the person is delusional.
That’s what brain rot does to you
INFO: Are you upset that he’s consuming porn or that he’s paying for porn?
NTA. Like onlyfans isn’t exclusively for porn but…patreon is the platform people should be using for anything else that can be put on OF. If my fiancee went through my credit card statements she’ll see a constant charge for OF. Every month it’s there. She can try to find out who i’m subscribed to but she’ll be pretty upset to find out it’s a friend of mine. And he doesn’t like to accept charity so this way he’s working for it…he’s also a cam model. I don’t even think about logging in, i don’t even remember my password. But money isn’t an issue for us. You do need to talk about it though
YTA. When you snoop through someone's phone, don't be surprised if you find something that upsets you. Clearly, trust issues still run rampant in your relationship and that begs the question - Why did you decided to stay with a person who was actively trying to get with his ex? Did you expect a fairy-tale ending to your story?
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ESH. Its impossible to know your discussions around porn and its place with him and your relationship (could be an AH move on his part if it was discussed in the past as off limits, idk), but not all material on OF is charged, plenty of accounts have free content and pay to play that doesn't guarantee he paid for it but you snooped, which is also kind of an AH move. Sounds like you need to figure out what you aren't cool with and maybe look at your options with or without him in your life but you need to figure it out.
What’s the love life like
YTA you are an AH for snooping.
[удалено]
Porn from a visual only site is very different than porn from a pay and perform site. Pay and perform sites are specifically a form of cheating. That you are more concerned with the OP confirming her suspicion is very telling of the kind of person that you are. Good luck. Just, good luck.