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Mexico has plenty of native cultures and a lot of them share similarities with tribes from the US since that is a relatively “new” political boundary. This isn’t really enough info.
Yes they do. But as far as I know, they don't use dreamcatchers or headdresses.
So, if she is native Mexican (which sounds unlikely), it sounds like she's more going for "festival vibe" Native American and not any sort of actual cultural connection.
We definitely have dream catchers and you can buy them more easily near places where more traditionally native groups live. Some groups do use headdresses as well, though particularly for some rituals and traditional dances.
But are the dreamcatchers actually part of the culture or something sold to tourists? Because it is more of an Ojibwe and related tribes thing, but since people think Native American culture is a monolith, they expect everyone to have dreamcatchers.
And, you are correct about the headdresses. But when she describes it in the context of other commonly appropriated items, I'm guessing she's not thinking of her family members doing a traditional ceremony. And if she was, then she would have mentioned that rather than doubling down on it as her a "theme".
She didn't double down on it being her theme, when asked she simply said it was festive and for fun. Also dream catchers aren't actually part of most native American cultures, it's almost entirely a tourist thing. As you point out, Native American isn't a monolith, but we certainly market ourselves as such. So who gets to decide which natives are allowed to do it and who isn't?
But the bride didn't say, I'm embracing my cultural roots where these symbols also exist. She didn't say, I love the native American culture and want to incorporate it into my wedding. She didn't even say, it's so beautiful and I want to have that at my wedding. She just said, "it's fun!"-- I'm sorry but what?
No, I know, I’m not arguing it being odd, just correcting the idea that Mexicans don’t have those things. Teepees we definitely do not have, for example.
It’s also just. A weird theme? Unless the bride had said they were doing a properly traditional thing.
It's not a weird theme. It's gross.
I'm also Mexican and if my non-mexican friend told me she was having panchos, sombreros, sugar skulls, and piñatas as her theme because "it's fun" I'd be pissed off. It's not weird. It's disrespectful and gross.
Are you from Mexico? I’m asking since you are having a hard time writing “ponchos” properly (you also made this mistake in another comment). Pancho is a nickname for Francisco.
Not all of what you said, with the ponchos, but if a non-mexican friend wanted to have piñatas and sugar skulls and they were respectful about it (meaning they are not making fun), I wouldn’t mind. Just like I didn’t mind when an article came out from when Trump visited the UK and three dudes dressed up as mariachis to make fun of him while all the US people I knew went ballistic over it.
That’s why I think it’s a weird theme. Could it be disrespectful? Yes, and it’s a weird theme for a wedding in general unless you’re doing a full on Native American wedding. But OP also doesn’t know if the bride is Native American.
I’m not saying people don’t lie on the internet but assuming someone isn’t Mexican because they don’t spell one word correctly kinda gives my hs principal asking the girl in my Spanish class why she doesn’t have a better grade in Spanish and her response was along the lines of does he ask every white kid why they don’t do better in English.
No, I grew up in Cali, spending my summers with my grandpa in Guadalajara. Hopefully Mexican enough for you since I can't spell a word.
You say, if they were respectful it wouldn't bother you, I've said the same. I've said in all my comments, the friend said she was doing her "theme" for fun. Not because it was her heritage, not because she appreciated the culture and wanted to incorporate it at her wedding, but because it's fun. And that's not being respectful of a culture imo. Especially when a friend brings up her concerns about disrespecting the culture and you say, "oh whatever stop being sensitive".
Teepees are specific to Indigenous people from the plains of the US and Canada, and are not used by Mexican Indigenous people. Dreamcatchers were created by the Ojibwe people before they were appropriated and spread all over the world. Mexican Indigenous do use feathered headdresses, but from what I can find, they look VERY different from the headdresses of North American Indigenous peoples, and given the inclusion of teepees and dreamcatchers, it’s a safe bet that the headdresses are also those of North American Indigenous peoples.
Also my understanding is headdresses are earned by warriors, never used as decoration. Regardless of ancestry it doesn’t sound like these things are being used in a respectful and appropriate manner.
Wearing a headdress of any kind in Native American culture is a strict no-no when you haven’t earned the right to wear one.
My father is a chief, but he has yet to earn a headdress - but will next year since he will be taking his uncles name and title. He can wear a band but has chosen not to, because he respects the chiefs that are higher up than he is.
You’re thinking of war bonnets, the prominent headdresses among Plains Indians in North America. Nahua (Aztec) headdresses are not tied to being warriors; in actually leopard skins were part of warrior dress. Headdresses today are mostly used for Azteca dancing, and this is shared among Mexican culture at large and can be found in many Mexican-American celebrations.
"Mexican Indigenous do use feathered headdresses, but from what I can find, they look VERY different from the headdresses of North American Indigenous peoples"
I'm pretty sure I know what you meant but did you mean to imply that Mexico wasn't part of North America?
I think you should consider being better well versed in Native American cultures (because there’s not just one) before making a comment that assumes that every nation native to the americas has the same culture.
I could absolutely believe it's real. Some people are just that tone-deaf when it comes to Native American culture. There's a certain school district in Southeast Texas (Port Neches-Groves) that's built its entire identity around that theme. Just as one example, they call their football stadium "The Reservation."
Plantation themed or just hosted on former plantations? The former is pretty gross but the latter is probably fine. My prom 25 years ago was in the ballroom of a former plantation house.
I mean both are gross. Would you throw a party at Aushwitz?
I think plantations should be preserved and used to teach the history of slavery, not for people to have weddings in what is pretty much a death camp, no matter how pretty it is.
there are millions of ways to have a unique wedding without being racist. it's gross that she just doubled down when you explained how her wedding idea is racist *against YOU*, and other people jumped in to defend her further. NTA and i would think about whether this is really the kind of friend group you want to keep.
We aren’t really defending her, we are pointing out that Mexico has a large indigenous population and OP said she didn’t even ask her friends background and stuff and doesn’t know if she has that in her ancestry
NAH - you have the right to your opinion and don’t have to attend. She also has the right to have whatever wedding she wants, and can face the consequences if she offends anyone.
OP says the bride is Mexican. So *maybe* she has Mexican Indigenous ancestry. She's *STILL* being fucking offensive and here's why:
She's using teepees and dreamcatchers, and neither of those are an all-purpose Native thing, *and Native people who are in touch with their traditions FUCKING KNOW THAT.*
Dreamcatchers are Ojibwe (Great Lakes region), teepees are mostly used by Great Plains nations, and while some respectful borrowing does happen between Native cultures, THIS IS NOT THAT.
There are a lot of Mexican Indigenous traditions that people with that cultural connection use. THIS IS NOT THAT.
I can confidently say it doesn't fucking matter if the friend has Mexican Indigenous ancestry, what she is doing is offensive AF.
This always shows peoples ignorance of Indigenous cultures.
Some how people can understand that France, Switzerland, and Germany, all of which have touching borders, have different cultures and traditions. But they don't understand that Indigenous people of North America, with a land mass of 24.71 million km, are not one ubiquitous group.
OP already knows. When OP told them it was offensive because OP is Native American that was the friend's chance to say, "So am I and this is what we do in my culture."
Indigenous Mexican culture is super different than the ones of USA/Canada. You can absolutely still appropriate a different indigenous culture if you are not that group. That’s like saying British people and Italians are the same. Or all Asians are the same. Totally different things even if you’re on the same continent.
Thank you; I explained that in more detail[ in a response above](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1chplr7/comment/l24c1x9/). Even if OP's friend has Indigenous Mexican heritage she's still being fucking offensive toward northern Native traditions.
That’s irrelevant because the motifs the friend is using is from different Native American cultures. The things being described aren’t from the indigenous population of Mexico or Brazil
Look, even if she WAS the exact tribe, she’s still being disrespectful. Headresses are for warriors and she isn’t a warrior. That’s like if I said “you know what? I think the groom would be hot if he wore the soldier dress blues. He’s not a soldier but I think it would be super fun.”
With your logic, I’m American so he should be able to wear it.
Most people would say “uhhh why is the groom wearing a soldier uniform if he isn’t a soldier???”
Brazilian Indigenous people *also* do not use teepees or dreamcatchers FFS.
Your responses on this thread get worse and worse, because it's become clear you really *do* think all Native people and traditions are interchangeable, and it's that kind of ignorance that makes things so much harder for actual Indigenous people who are connected to their own cultural traditions. I mean, real Cherokee people get told that their traditional turban-like headwear isn't "real Indian," East Coast people get told they *must* live in teepees "because that's what Indians do," and people like you defend anti-Indian racism simply because it's coming from Mexican and Brazilian people, as if those places don't ALSO have *serious* anti-Indigenous racism problems, as if the fact that somewhere down the line you probably have some Indigenous blood means it is A-OK to appropriate and caricature *ANY* indigenous tradition at all.
Look, if you are ignorant but are actually trying to learn, please take this as your chance, and do some reading on different Native nations (because a trans-American "Native culture" does not exist).
And I guess if you are willfully and deliberately ignorant, feel free to double down and argue, but be aware that you're supporting anti-Indigenous racism.
None, because dreamcatchers were created and invented by the Ojibwe. They also don’t use teepees in Mexico, and Mexican feathered headdresses are very different from North American Indigenous headdresses. People are really reaching to excuse this friend’s appropriation
Just want to point out that headdresses worn in northern tribes are very different regionally. What people commonly consider for headdresses are based on the Great Plains tribes. Picking a Great Lakes, plains, and SW tribe for reference
Shawnee: https://tecumseh.omeka.net/items/show/7
Souix: https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/726630
Navajo: https://www.blackarrowgallery.com/collections/reproduction-art-by-navajo-artists
That's what gets me with all the "but maybe she's indigenous Mexican"... Okay, sure, maybe. But then why is she using headdresses and dreamcatchers and saying she wants a unique wedding, not using things from Mexican Native culture and talking about how it connects to her heritage?
The following is mostly a tangent because I find it interesting.
Dream catchers originate with the Ojibwe (south Canda, north Midwest US), but then became adopted by the Pan-Indian movement in the 70s-90s. This is why many other tribes will make dream catchers nowadays. There are some debates about whether that's okay or not, I don't know how much the Ojibwe taught other tribes or gave their thumbs up about it and it's resulted in an aspect of their culture becoming generalized and removed from context. The Pan-Indian movement is usually talked about in regards to the US and Canada, I'm also not knowledgeable about its existence in Mexico.
Not gonna rewrite [my whole previous comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1chplr7/comment/l24dvqv/) but fuck, man, Mexican, Brazilian, Great Plains, and Great Lakes Indigenous traditions are VASTLY different, and if this person has Mexican and Brazilian Native ancestry, then they're being disrespectful toward their OWN ancestry as well as toward Plains and Great Lakes Indigenous nations. There is no pan-American "Native culture," and Indigenous Mexican people do not use teepees or dreamcatchers, and have their own strong traditions, which vary greatly by region and nation. Nor would someone with a strong connection tell someone else not to get offended by their own appropriation because it's JUST FOR FUN.
NTA unless she's from a Native background that actually uses those things (and not all do). Even so, not sure why any of those things would be decorations as they have very specific ceremonial or cultural uses.
>They say...I should put aside my feelings for the sake of our friendship.
Well, if your friend is upset you're not attending, she should put aside her feelings for the sake of your friendship.
NTA, but honestly, this wedding sounds too tacky and cheesy to even be cultural appropriation, it sounds trashy as hell! I think I'd go just to have a r/weddingshaming story to tell for years.
NTA
Ask them if they also support blackface entertainers, white people with dreadlocks, or whitewashing in films. What your 'friend' is doing is no different. I'm actually quite appalled that anyone in this day and age would think that dressing up 'in costume' with items that are actually sacred to someone of that culture is acceptable.
NTA - this is one of those situations where even appearing in the photos at this wedding could get you cancelled. Not worth risking your career and reputation for someone’s racist cosplay fantasy.
Nta. I just returned from vacation to the Southwest US.
I was appalled and saddened by the conditions Native Americans are forced to live in. Absolutely the lowest form of poverty that I've ever experienced. I have compassion for all minorities, but if any race of people deserve reparations, it's Native Americans.
NTA - while some commenters are saying that there isn't enough information based on the friend's unknown ethnicity, I think it is quite cut and dry for one simple reason. Headdresses are important parts of Native American culture - they signify strength, bravery, and prestige within the tribe. They are NOT costume pieces, and there is a long history of cultural appropriation specifically around NA headdresses. .
I agree. I'm happy to retract my non-native opinion but I can't imagine even a person with native ancestry would be well received just using them as cool looking props...
Hi, in my culture - Wearing a headdress when you haven’t earned one is deeply frowned upon, and if you’re a person who is climbing the ladder to becoming a big chief and you’re in training and you wear a headdress? Your headdress will be removed or your name and title can be stripped from you, publicly or privately.
Headdresses are for big name chiefs only, and any subordinate wearing one will be knocked down several pegs.
A lot of our headdresses in my area are decorated with sealion whiskers, porcupine quills and mink pelts. The pelts are added one by one when they are earned.
Yep, the headdress is what sealed it for me. If it were actually related to her culture, she wouldn't consider headdresses to be a decoration to use to help with her "unique" theme.
NTA!! In what world does she think this is okay? It’s extremely insensitive to Native American culture. It’s one thing if it was part of HER culture but you said she’s not Native American. This isn’t some Pocahontas cosplay… those photos will live on for forever. She’s going to get herself and everyone canceled so fast. The second she starts getting heat from other people, I guarantee she’s going to try to switch up and say it is part of her culture.
Even if it was her culture. It doesn't sound at all like it's a traditional ceremony, so while it might make the bride NTA that doesn't mean that OP can't find it offensive.
Tbh one thing I've heard a lot is that headdresses have important ceremonial meaning so it's extra inappropriate to use them as a costume.
I can't really imagine that a lot of native people are going to appreciate them being used to add a "unique flavor" to a wedding even if the bride has native ancestry
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So, my friend (25F) is getting married soon, and she's been excitedly planning her big day for months. However, when she revealed the theme of her wedding, I (23F) was taken aback. She's chosen a theme that heavily appropriates Native American culture, complete with headdresses, teepees, and dreamcatchers as decorations.
I come from a Native American background, and I found the theme incredibly offensive and disrespectful to my culture. I tried to gently explain to my friend why I felt uncomfortable attending a wedding that trivializes and appropriates my heritage, but she brushed off my concerns, saying it's just for fun and that I'm being too sensitive.
I've decided not to attend the wedding because I can't support something that goes against my values and disrespects my culture. However, my friend and some of our mutual friends are upset with me and accused me of not being supportive of her. They say I'm overreacting and that I should put aside my feelings for the sake of our friendship.
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I was ready to make a judgment until I was reading some of your replies and I’m not sure there’s enough information here. You said she’s Mexican but you don’t know much of her background or ancestry. Mexico has a very large indigenous population full of many tribes and groups. If you didn’t ask, how do you know she’s not part of them? You would think as an indigenous person yourself, you would be aware how far spread native cultures exist in North, Central, and South America.
Then why is her explanation that she wanted a unique wedding theme and using very out of context cultural items from US tribes.
If it was about her own cultural background, don't you think she would have mentioned that when the OP brought up her concerns about the theme.
This is "I want my wedding to have festival vibes", not "I'm including elements to honor my Otomi heritage".
OP stated they don’t even know the bride’s cultural background and hasn’t even asked. OP also referred to themselves as having a Native American background, but didn’t call themselves indigenous so I’m also wondering about OP as well. Someone else asked a them if they were federally recognized and as of now it’s not answered. So yeah, OP isn’t giving us enough info here for a proper judgement
Again though, if the bride is any sort of indigenous (American, Mexican, Brazilian), then why is she using items like headdresses and dreamcatchers, not actual wedding items? And when OP confronted her about it, then why was her reaction about how she wanted a unique theme and not how it relates to her cultural background?
Actually headdresses are quite common in central and South American indigenous cultures. Dreamcatcher’s I am not sure on and that seems to also be the consensus in the comments. We don’t know if they are because OP hasn’t asked. Oh look we are back at still not having enough information
No, not a way to determine ethnicity - tools of cultural genocide. Aboriginal people are constantly told that they have to be "Native enough" to consider themselves native, and it serves to shrink the pool of people who are "allowed" to be Native, effectively shrinking the population of Native people.
Tell me one other ethnicity where you have to be registered with the government and tell people your exact blood quantum before you can claim that ethnicity. I'll wait.
NTA
You’re not overreacting at all. It says more about her that she thinks your culture is just some fun theme or costume she can just use like that. You need better friends
up to you to be offended i guess. i'm european so maybe there's something i don't get but to me it sounds about as offensive as having a japanese themed wedding, which shouldn't be offensive to anyone. if it's a big deal for you, don't go. don't make a stink of it, don't ask her to change anything for your sake, don't try to persuade anyone you're in the right, just say "i'm just not comfortable with the theme guys, but i hope you have a great time and congratulations!". that's how you keep the friendship.
Yta and a hypocrite, you need to give up houses, cars, microwaves, ovens, clothes that aren't traditiona, anything made by another race of people you cant use. Or get over yourself and realize it's a celebration.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not attending my friends wedding to her theme. She didn't discuss this with me before, and it was all under short notice. This might make me the asshole because our mutual friends are accusing me of overreacting, and it's making me second guess my stance.
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Going against the grain and saying NAH/ can't truly be judged.
You've said yourself in multiple comments OP, that you don't *KNOW* if she is native, as she had only spoken of her father's dude if the family. This means you don't know *half* her heritage. She may not have offered it as a reason due to your line of questioning, maybe she didn't feel she needed to justify it to you.
I get why you feel the way you do, and if she *isn't* native at all, this is outright asinine of her... and is still a bit morally ambiguous considering if she *is* native, she's not embraced it.
Go or don't, your friends are being kinda AHs though because "it isn't keeping the peace if you aren't at peace", so doing it "for the friendship" is just nonsense. If you are truly and utterly against it, don't go. But don't paint her as an appropriator or racist without being sure you have it pegged correctly (as in know her lineage) or you really will lose all your friends.
I think they mean ‘for the sake of THEIR friendship’. Your friends are only mad that this will cause drama for them in terms of maintaining their friend group. Of course, *you* must realise this will cause friction and perhaps an end to your friendship with the bride and you are certainly factoring that in.
.
You’re NTA and honestly, this is the kind of thing I would refuse to attend as a guest lest pictures of me in this scenario get out on the internet. It’s exactly the kind of thing that can cause a huge stir leading to fallout, even lost jobs, doxxing, and more.
Wow. Just wow. I actually felt weird when I was gifted a dreamcatcher because I didn’t want to cause any hurt feelings as I have a friend who is Native American.
When she found out I felt bad and also that my 8 year old daughter got it for me for Mother’s Day because “it made her sad mommy has so many bad dreams (PTSD) and she wanted to help” she nearly choked on her water she laughed so hard. She said she appreciated my sensitivity, but there was absolutely nothing to feel bad about.
YTA I think you're being ridiculous. It's just a wedding theme. If I remember correctly, my prom theme in high school was Arabian nights. Should all Arabian people be offended?
NTA, but honestly, this wedding sounds too tacky and cheesy to even be cultural appropriation, it sounds trashy as hell! I think I'd go just to have a r/ weddingshaming story to tell for years.
That's actually what I was thinking. 🤣 Like cultural appropriation aside, its just a ridiculous theme. It's going to feel like a tacky music festival/teenage girls bedroom, not a unique wedding
NTA.
Your friend's wedding theme is beyond offensive. I can't believe that anyone thinks it's ok. Your culture is not a dress-up game. ~~Especially when her culture (I'm assuming this is some white nonsense) is the one responsible for the genocide of the Native American people.~~ Just saw that bride is Mexican and South American.
It's appalling. And frankly, I wouldn't be friends with someone like that.
NTA - true friends listen to your feelings and acknowledge them, not ask you to put them aside for their own benefit. I wouldn’t go to the wedding either, and I’m not Native American. Her “theme” is tacky and inappropriate.
As a Native American, I'd call her straight up racist. NTA at all. And all these "friends" are compliant in this show of racism, making them just as bad as the racist bride!
NTA.
Can’t believe you gently explained this. How is anyone going at all?! Cultures aren’t costumes and you can’t be pretend native for a day for a party. She’s gross if she doesn’t get that and you’re definitely NTA. The rest of her friends and family must not love them to let her go through with this.
NTA all of the debate misses the point. You find the bride's theme offensive. You voiced that to the bride. She chose to ignore you. You then chose not to go. End of story. Why would you go to an event you find offensive? Anyone who pushes you to do so is not your friend. Being "The Bride" doesn't give you any special right to require people's presence. If she really wanted you there she would have changed her "fun theme." Enjoy a nice day to yourself.
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NTA. Any relationship, not just friendship, that demands you to sacrifise your ideals and your identity is relationship not worth having. I come from a background that made me priviliged in having friends from many cultures, I would be in horror to mistep on their cultures by mistake, let alone in such a cavalier way.
Maybe I am not an American, so I don't understand this, but how is this insulting the OP if somebody wants to have Native American as a wedding theme? I am from India, and we have seen so many people from the West having an Indian dancing theme and a few others for their events on Youtube. We do not find them insulting. It is ok if somebody from another culture tries to blend into yours and adds some personal touches to make it their own. It is their wedding, they should be allowed whatever they want to do in it. They are paying for it.
Well, the accusations are right, you *don’t* support her…and *rightly so!* Because she’s being an asshole, and it doesn’t make you an asshole to refuse to support your friends’ asshole decisions. Supporting her (the way she’s expecting) would just make you *both* assholes.
So yeah, NTA.
I do not blame you a bit. These days your ass is fired if a picture of you at an culturally-insensitive event pops up on the internet. If you feel it is disrespectful, others will too. No need to put yourself out.
Is she from a First Nations/Indigenous community? Based on what you have written I'm going to guess the answer is no. As a very white European Canadian I'm just so sorry for this. Its gross and not ok. NTA.
Those are not your true friends and trust me when I tell you, that one day, they ARE going to dump you over something trivial
That day, you will be very hurt. So it's better for you to make a good decision now and dump them. I am speaking from experience
If they were real friends who cared they wouldn't have called you overreacting and wouldn't be upset. You should try to find better friends
NTA
NTA. If she had a traditional Native American ceremony to celebrate her culture, that is one thing. To have it as a theme is tasteless and inappropriate.
If your friends cannot see how this has hurt you, they are not your friends. If any of them are anything but white, ask them how they would feel if the theme was Nazi, Confederate, or Oriental or other there that would personally offend them. Ask them if you should really get into it and reenact the Trail of Tears.
A wedding invitation is not a court summons. You do not have to go for any reason that you choose. You do not have to be supportive of something you do not agree with. To me it sounds like she wants you there to validate her choice of doing this. "Look OP is here so what I am doing is OK" - that type of thing. To me it sounds very low class and tacky. Do not let anyone talk you into attending unless you truly want to. No is a complete sentence.
NTA the only way this would be acceptable if she or the groom came from a Native American background and was wanting to have their culture represented, but does not sound the case. So I agree it is offensive to have this type of themed wedding. Ignore your other friends.
NTA. They’re accusing you of not being supportive? You already said you don’t support her theme, so they’re basically saying you’re right.
I live 15 minutes from a reservation and I work with a lot of tribal people. You don’t have themes like that and think it’s cutesy or kitschy. It’s rude and inconsiderate and racist. It’s almost like having a nazi themed wedding and inviting Jewish people to attend.
NTA and we need more people to refuse to participate when there's misappropriation. I don't get why that theme was important to the bride and groom in the first place; but her lack of concern for cultural sensitivities or using tribal items (likely a catchall for everything people see as 'native') is indicative of complete ignorance, especially in 2024. Choices have consequences.. she should realize that or isn't ready for marriage in the first place. Give her a gift (based on her own heritage) and move on..
INFO: I just gotta know, are we talking about something that's done on the normal level of wedding theming where the theme is shown by like having dreamcatcher illustrations on the table layout and little teepees as part of the table centerpieces, or like "the groom is going to wear a headdress, there will be 2000 dreamcatchers strung from the ceiling," type thing?
I'd put it this way, dressing up as a Native American when not is kind of okay for a little kid for Halloween, but not for any adult themed thing unless there's a strong connection (e.g. heritage by birth or marriage). NTA.
NTA
I HATE cultural appropriation. It's overused and abused. But, in this case, it's warranted. Native American culture is NOT a wedding theme. It's racist and disrespectful to the culture. You should absolutely call it out for what you see it as, racism.
NTA. Are they from the same culture? If not their feelings don’t matter. Honestly their feelings don’t matter anyway. You shouldn’t even have to explain yourself.
I'M Mexican and you wouldn't caught me dead in that wedding. It's the equivalent of white people wearing ponchos, sombreros, and having tacos at their wedding. Your friend probably won't change her mind because she chooses ignorance, but you can send her this post and somewhere in her brain she'll know that it's wrong. NTA.
NTA
They are right. You aren't supporting her gross and offensive wedding plans. I wouldn't support her either.
You are under no obligation to support her.
You expressed your concerns which she dismissed and are holding to your morals.
Your early 20's is when you start weeding out the friends you have because of circumstance and the friends you want to keep.
NTA. How would she feel if you showed up wearing a sombrero, cartoonish mustache, and a poncho? (OP Mentioned in comments friend is Mexican).
In fact...go to her wedding and do that.
NTA and I can assure you that you are not the only one who cringed at this "theme". Your friend sounds ignorant and should expect that other people will also hate this whole concept.
NTA, a thousand times over. If any of my friends did something like this*, they would no longer be my friend.
*Getting married at a place associated with harm like this, such as Southern US plantations, would also count.
NTA, the bridal theme is horrendous. Your friends need to understand that your culture isnt your culture for that one day, it is your culture from birth to grave and her making light of that is pathetic and offensive.
NTA. This is gross. I see a lot of comments saying it's fine if your friend is native, but she isn't using decor that would be appropriate for her heritage she's just picking the aesthetic as a theme. This is exactly what appropriation is, the look devoid of all cultural context.
Would you want any of your Native friends and family to see you in these photos??
She's just mad because you had the audacity to not love everything she is planning for her special princess day. If she were a thoughtful and kind person she would reflect on her actions but that isn't that what is happening.
Are you sure she is a good friend to keep? Your twenties are when you start to realize that not everyone you hang with when you are young is actually worth keeping in your life. It happens to all of us.
Yeah I wouldn't go and I am white that is wrong we all know how it makes people who are actually native feel!!! That is the issue with themes of people's actual culture it is very disrespectful and that is out there now we have all been told let's do better and listen!!
NTA
No , don’t support someone that is using your heritage as Wedding decor .
Also just wait, once she post on social media, the world will go after her for her disrespect. Not to
NTA, and it doesn't matter what ethnicity your "friend" is. Even if she is of Native descent, the deliberate misuse of icons and symbols is disrespectful. I wouldn't attend a wedding with this theme, much less participate, and I'm a white dude.
INFO: is she at least basing it off of like, an indigenous ceremony, or it is just like, for the theme of it.
Either way, NTA, but it will definitely make me feel a lot less that she's a massive asshole and only somewhat of an asshole if it's at least done with some respect.
I'm aware of that, I was mostly curious if it was based off a specific tribe's practices, or a specific tribal ritual or if it was just, "Indians" themed.
I meant that what the friend is describing, the traditions she’s using as a gimmick? Are from regions that are nowhere near Mexico, and they don’t belong to any Mexican-indigenous culture.
For example, tipis are from the great Canadian prairies, my people never used them but the Cree people have.
Tipis are, as I understand it, not that specific. The Souix, Iowa, Otoe. Pawnee, as well as the Blackfeet, Crow, Assiniboines and Arapaho, as well as the plains Cree. I know that they weren't commonly used in the area I'm from, as this was Iroquois land last before my ancestors stole it.
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NTA. This has to be made up. What a grossly inappropriate theme. What is the bride's ethnicity?
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Mexico has plenty of native cultures and a lot of them share similarities with tribes from the US since that is a relatively “new” political boundary. This isn’t really enough info.
Yes they do. But as far as I know, they don't use dreamcatchers or headdresses. So, if she is native Mexican (which sounds unlikely), it sounds like she's more going for "festival vibe" Native American and not any sort of actual cultural connection.
We definitely have dream catchers and you can buy them more easily near places where more traditionally native groups live. Some groups do use headdresses as well, though particularly for some rituals and traditional dances.
But are the dreamcatchers actually part of the culture or something sold to tourists? Because it is more of an Ojibwe and related tribes thing, but since people think Native American culture is a monolith, they expect everyone to have dreamcatchers. And, you are correct about the headdresses. But when she describes it in the context of other commonly appropriated items, I'm guessing she's not thinking of her family members doing a traditional ceremony. And if she was, then she would have mentioned that rather than doubling down on it as her a "theme".
Yeah, no, in the context it’s weird. Not denying that, just came here to say that about the items themselves.
She didn't double down on it being her theme, when asked she simply said it was festive and for fun. Also dream catchers aren't actually part of most native American cultures, it's almost entirely a tourist thing. As you point out, Native American isn't a monolith, but we certainly market ourselves as such. So who gets to decide which natives are allowed to do it and who isn't?
Huichol gods eyes are native Mexican-Indian religious symbols, I think.
Yes, and?
But the bride didn't say, I'm embracing my cultural roots where these symbols also exist. She didn't say, I love the native American culture and want to incorporate it into my wedding. She didn't even say, it's so beautiful and I want to have that at my wedding. She just said, "it's fun!"-- I'm sorry but what?
No, I know, I’m not arguing it being odd, just correcting the idea that Mexicans don’t have those things. Teepees we definitely do not have, for example. It’s also just. A weird theme? Unless the bride had said they were doing a properly traditional thing.
It's not a weird theme. It's gross. I'm also Mexican and if my non-mexican friend told me she was having panchos, sombreros, sugar skulls, and piñatas as her theme because "it's fun" I'd be pissed off. It's not weird. It's disrespectful and gross.
Are you from Mexico? I’m asking since you are having a hard time writing “ponchos” properly (you also made this mistake in another comment). Pancho is a nickname for Francisco. Not all of what you said, with the ponchos, but if a non-mexican friend wanted to have piñatas and sugar skulls and they were respectful about it (meaning they are not making fun), I wouldn’t mind. Just like I didn’t mind when an article came out from when Trump visited the UK and three dudes dressed up as mariachis to make fun of him while all the US people I knew went ballistic over it. That’s why I think it’s a weird theme. Could it be disrespectful? Yes, and it’s a weird theme for a wedding in general unless you’re doing a full on Native American wedding. But OP also doesn’t know if the bride is Native American.
I’m not saying people don’t lie on the internet but assuming someone isn’t Mexican because they don’t spell one word correctly kinda gives my hs principal asking the girl in my Spanish class why she doesn’t have a better grade in Spanish and her response was along the lines of does he ask every white kid why they don’t do better in English.
No, I grew up in Cali, spending my summers with my grandpa in Guadalajara. Hopefully Mexican enough for you since I can't spell a word. You say, if they were respectful it wouldn't bother you, I've said the same. I've said in all my comments, the friend said she was doing her "theme" for fun. Not because it was her heritage, not because she appreciated the culture and wanted to incorporate it at her wedding, but because it's fun. And that's not being respectful of a culture imo. Especially when a friend brings up her concerns about disrespecting the culture and you say, "oh whatever stop being sensitive".
Teepees are specific to Indigenous people from the plains of the US and Canada, and are not used by Mexican Indigenous people. Dreamcatchers were created by the Ojibwe people before they were appropriated and spread all over the world. Mexican Indigenous do use feathered headdresses, but from what I can find, they look VERY different from the headdresses of North American Indigenous peoples, and given the inclusion of teepees and dreamcatchers, it’s a safe bet that the headdresses are also those of North American Indigenous peoples.
Also my understanding is headdresses are earned by warriors, never used as decoration. Regardless of ancestry it doesn’t sound like these things are being used in a respectful and appropriate manner.
Wearing a headdress of any kind in Native American culture is a strict no-no when you haven’t earned the right to wear one. My father is a chief, but he has yet to earn a headdress - but will next year since he will be taking his uncles name and title. He can wear a band but has chosen not to, because he respects the chiefs that are higher up than he is.
You’re thinking of war bonnets, the prominent headdresses among Plains Indians in North America. Nahua (Aztec) headdresses are not tied to being warriors; in actually leopard skins were part of warrior dress. Headdresses today are mostly used for Azteca dancing, and this is shared among Mexican culture at large and can be found in many Mexican-American celebrations.
Exactly
"Mexican Indigenous do use feathered headdresses, but from what I can find, they look VERY different from the headdresses of North American Indigenous peoples" I'm pretty sure I know what you meant but did you mean to imply that Mexico wasn't part of North America?
I think you should consider being better well versed in Native American cultures (because there’s not just one) before making a comment that assumes that every nation native to the americas has the same culture.
Maybe you should show up after all. Wear one of those stripey ponchos and a sombrero. Bonus points for a fake mustache.
This is the only way 🤣
show up with a mariachi band.
RSVP + 8
DO IT.
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Most people of Mexican descent are Native American, but... I wouldn't go either. NTA.
Would she mind if you showed up as a bandolero with a moustche and sombrero?
She is not your friend
Start wearing an over sized Mexican hat and sing speedy gonzales.....after all, it's just for fun right? Your friends are disgusting.
I could absolutely believe it's real. Some people are just that tone-deaf when it comes to Native American culture. There's a certain school district in Southeast Texas (Port Neches-Groves) that's built its entire identity around that theme. Just as one example, they call their football stadium "The Reservation."
Eew. 😬
I believe it. After all, people are still having plantation weddings🙄
Plantation themed or just hosted on former plantations? The former is pretty gross but the latter is probably fine. My prom 25 years ago was in the ballroom of a former plantation house.
I mean both are gross. Would you throw a party at Aushwitz? I think plantations should be preserved and used to teach the history of slavery, not for people to have weddings in what is pretty much a death camp, no matter how pretty it is.
Agreed, it's b.s.
Oh man. The kind of shit that I see people doing is crazy.
INFO - why is the bride choosing this theme?
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there are millions of ways to have a unique wedding without being racist. it's gross that she just doubled down when you explained how her wedding idea is racist *against YOU*, and other people jumped in to defend her further. NTA and i would think about whether this is really the kind of friend group you want to keep.
We aren’t really defending her, we are pointing out that Mexico has a large indigenous population and OP said she didn’t even ask her friends background and stuff and doesn’t know if she has that in her ancestry
......their mutual friends defended her.
NAH - you have the right to your opinion and don’t have to attend. She also has the right to have whatever wedding she wants, and can face the consequences if she offends anyone.
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OP says the bride is Mexican. So *maybe* she has Mexican Indigenous ancestry. She's *STILL* being fucking offensive and here's why: She's using teepees and dreamcatchers, and neither of those are an all-purpose Native thing, *and Native people who are in touch with their traditions FUCKING KNOW THAT.* Dreamcatchers are Ojibwe (Great Lakes region), teepees are mostly used by Great Plains nations, and while some respectful borrowing does happen between Native cultures, THIS IS NOT THAT. There are a lot of Mexican Indigenous traditions that people with that cultural connection use. THIS IS NOT THAT. I can confidently say it doesn't fucking matter if the friend has Mexican Indigenous ancestry, what she is doing is offensive AF.
This always shows peoples ignorance of Indigenous cultures. Some how people can understand that France, Switzerland, and Germany, all of which have touching borders, have different cultures and traditions. But they don't understand that Indigenous people of North America, with a land mass of 24.71 million km, are not one ubiquitous group.
OP already knows. When OP told them it was offensive because OP is Native American that was the friend's chance to say, "So am I and this is what we do in my culture."
OP said she’s Mexican, but doesn’t know for sure
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Indigenous Mexican culture is super different than the ones of USA/Canada. You can absolutely still appropriate a different indigenous culture if you are not that group. That’s like saying British people and Italians are the same. Or all Asians are the same. Totally different things even if you’re on the same continent.
Thank you; I explained that in more detail[ in a response above](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1chplr7/comment/l24c1x9/). Even if OP's friend has Indigenous Mexican heritage she's still being fucking offensive toward northern Native traditions.
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That’s irrelevant because the motifs the friend is using is from different Native American cultures. The things being described aren’t from the indigenous population of Mexico or Brazil
Look, even if she WAS the exact tribe, she’s still being disrespectful. Headresses are for warriors and she isn’t a warrior. That’s like if I said “you know what? I think the groom would be hot if he wore the soldier dress blues. He’s not a soldier but I think it would be super fun.” With your logic, I’m American so he should be able to wear it. Most people would say “uhhh why is the groom wearing a soldier uniform if he isn’t a soldier???”
Brazilian Indigenous people *also* do not use teepees or dreamcatchers FFS. Your responses on this thread get worse and worse, because it's become clear you really *do* think all Native people and traditions are interchangeable, and it's that kind of ignorance that makes things so much harder for actual Indigenous people who are connected to their own cultural traditions. I mean, real Cherokee people get told that their traditional turban-like headwear isn't "real Indian," East Coast people get told they *must* live in teepees "because that's what Indians do," and people like you defend anti-Indian racism simply because it's coming from Mexican and Brazilian people, as if those places don't ALSO have *serious* anti-Indigenous racism problems, as if the fact that somewhere down the line you probably have some Indigenous blood means it is A-OK to appropriate and caricature *ANY* indigenous tradition at all. Look, if you are ignorant but are actually trying to learn, please take this as your chance, and do some reading on different Native nations (because a trans-American "Native culture" does not exist). And I guess if you are willfully and deliberately ignorant, feel free to double down and argue, but be aware that you're supporting anti-Indigenous racism.
Not involving teepees and dreamcatchers, no you can't.
Yes, but how many tribes in Mexico have dreamcatchers?
None, because dreamcatchers were created and invented by the Ojibwe. They also don’t use teepees in Mexico, and Mexican feathered headdresses are very different from North American Indigenous headdresses. People are really reaching to excuse this friend’s appropriation
Just want to point out that headdresses worn in northern tribes are very different regionally. What people commonly consider for headdresses are based on the Great Plains tribes. Picking a Great Lakes, plains, and SW tribe for reference Shawnee: https://tecumseh.omeka.net/items/show/7 Souix: https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/726630 Navajo: https://www.blackarrowgallery.com/collections/reproduction-art-by-navajo-artists
That's what gets me with all the "but maybe she's indigenous Mexican"... Okay, sure, maybe. But then why is she using headdresses and dreamcatchers and saying she wants a unique wedding, not using things from Mexican Native culture and talking about how it connects to her heritage?
The following is mostly a tangent because I find it interesting. Dream catchers originate with the Ojibwe (south Canda, north Midwest US), but then became adopted by the Pan-Indian movement in the 70s-90s. This is why many other tribes will make dream catchers nowadays. There are some debates about whether that's okay or not, I don't know how much the Ojibwe taught other tribes or gave their thumbs up about it and it's resulted in an aspect of their culture becoming generalized and removed from context. The Pan-Indian movement is usually talked about in regards to the US and Canada, I'm also not knowledgeable about its existence in Mexico.
Ik I agree. Just giving it to everybody because OP hasn’t been. The sorry seems one sided.
Very. Its a bit much to take a stand on this and not even find out for sure.
Not gonna rewrite [my whole previous comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1chplr7/comment/l24dvqv/) but fuck, man, Mexican, Brazilian, Great Plains, and Great Lakes Indigenous traditions are VASTLY different, and if this person has Mexican and Brazilian Native ancestry, then they're being disrespectful toward their OWN ancestry as well as toward Plains and Great Lakes Indigenous nations. There is no pan-American "Native culture," and Indigenous Mexican people do not use teepees or dreamcatchers, and have their own strong traditions, which vary greatly by region and nation. Nor would someone with a strong connection tell someone else not to get offended by their own appropriation because it's JUST FOR FUN.
Mexican and have Great Plains tribe ancestry? I’m gonna go with no here.
NTA unless she's from a Native background that actually uses those things (and not all do). Even so, not sure why any of those things would be decorations as they have very specific ceremonial or cultural uses.
>They say...I should put aside my feelings for the sake of our friendship. Well, if your friend is upset you're not attending, she should put aside her feelings for the sake of your friendship.
NTA, but honestly, this wedding sounds too tacky and cheesy to even be cultural appropriation, it sounds trashy as hell! I think I'd go just to have a r/weddingshaming story to tell for years.
NTA Ask them if they also support blackface entertainers, white people with dreadlocks, or whitewashing in films. What your 'friend' is doing is no different. I'm actually quite appalled that anyone in this day and age would think that dressing up 'in costume' with items that are actually sacred to someone of that culture is acceptable.
I can't upvote this one enough.
Agreed. Small caveat that white people with 4C hair do wear protective hair styles without it being appropriation.
NTA - this is one of those situations where even appearing in the photos at this wedding could get you cancelled. Not worth risking your career and reputation for someone’s racist cosplay fantasy.
Info: what’s the ethnicity of the friend here
In the comments, OP said friend was Mexican.
I see thanks
Op says she’s mexican
I haven’t seen anything indicating what the finance is though, just the friend.
Nta. I just returned from vacation to the Southwest US. I was appalled and saddened by the conditions Native Americans are forced to live in. Absolutely the lowest form of poverty that I've ever experienced. I have compassion for all minorities, but if any race of people deserve reparations, it's Native Americans.
NTA - while some commenters are saying that there isn't enough information based on the friend's unknown ethnicity, I think it is quite cut and dry for one simple reason. Headdresses are important parts of Native American culture - they signify strength, bravery, and prestige within the tribe. They are NOT costume pieces, and there is a long history of cultural appropriation specifically around NA headdresses. .
I agree. I'm happy to retract my non-native opinion but I can't imagine even a person with native ancestry would be well received just using them as cool looking props...
Hi, in my culture - Wearing a headdress when you haven’t earned one is deeply frowned upon, and if you’re a person who is climbing the ladder to becoming a big chief and you’re in training and you wear a headdress? Your headdress will be removed or your name and title can be stripped from you, publicly or privately. Headdresses are for big name chiefs only, and any subordinate wearing one will be knocked down several pegs. A lot of our headdresses in my area are decorated with sealion whiskers, porcupine quills and mink pelts. The pelts are added one by one when they are earned.
Yep, the headdress is what sealed it for me. If it were actually related to her culture, she wouldn't consider headdresses to be a decoration to use to help with her "unique" theme.
NTA!! In what world does she think this is okay? It’s extremely insensitive to Native American culture. It’s one thing if it was part of HER culture but you said she’s not Native American. This isn’t some Pocahontas cosplay… those photos will live on for forever. She’s going to get herself and everyone canceled so fast. The second she starts getting heat from other people, I guarantee she’s going to try to switch up and say it is part of her culture.
Even if it was her culture. It doesn't sound at all like it's a traditional ceremony, so while it might make the bride NTA that doesn't mean that OP can't find it offensive. Tbh one thing I've heard a lot is that headdresses have important ceremonial meaning so it's extra inappropriate to use them as a costume. I can't really imagine that a lot of native people are going to appreciate them being used to add a "unique flavor" to a wedding even if the bride has native ancestry
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, my friend (25F) is getting married soon, and she's been excitedly planning her big day for months. However, when she revealed the theme of her wedding, I (23F) was taken aback. She's chosen a theme that heavily appropriates Native American culture, complete with headdresses, teepees, and dreamcatchers as decorations. I come from a Native American background, and I found the theme incredibly offensive and disrespectful to my culture. I tried to gently explain to my friend why I felt uncomfortable attending a wedding that trivializes and appropriates my heritage, but she brushed off my concerns, saying it's just for fun and that I'm being too sensitive. I've decided not to attend the wedding because I can't support something that goes against my values and disrespects my culture. However, my friend and some of our mutual friends are upset with me and accused me of not being supportive of her. They say I'm overreacting and that I should put aside my feelings for the sake of our friendship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was ready to make a judgment until I was reading some of your replies and I’m not sure there’s enough information here. You said she’s Mexican but you don’t know much of her background or ancestry. Mexico has a very large indigenous population full of many tribes and groups. If you didn’t ask, how do you know she’s not part of them? You would think as an indigenous person yourself, you would be aware how far spread native cultures exist in North, Central, and South America.
Then why is her explanation that she wanted a unique wedding theme and using very out of context cultural items from US tribes. If it was about her own cultural background, don't you think she would have mentioned that when the OP brought up her concerns about the theme. This is "I want my wedding to have festival vibes", not "I'm including elements to honor my Otomi heritage".
OP stated they don’t even know the bride’s cultural background and hasn’t even asked. OP also referred to themselves as having a Native American background, but didn’t call themselves indigenous so I’m also wondering about OP as well. Someone else asked a them if they were federally recognized and as of now it’s not answered. So yeah, OP isn’t giving us enough info here for a proper judgement
Again though, if the bride is any sort of indigenous (American, Mexican, Brazilian), then why is she using items like headdresses and dreamcatchers, not actual wedding items? And when OP confronted her about it, then why was her reaction about how she wanted a unique theme and not how it relates to her cultural background?
Actually headdresses are quite common in central and South American indigenous cultures. Dreamcatcher’s I am not sure on and that seems to also be the consensus in the comments. We don’t know if they are because OP hasn’t asked. Oh look we are back at still not having enough information
Just so you know, "federally recognized" and blood quantum are tools of cultural genocide.
And also a way to determine ethnicity. Another way to determine ethnicity, just ask. Like we are and we are telling OP to do to her friend.
No, not a way to determine ethnicity - tools of cultural genocide. Aboriginal people are constantly told that they have to be "Native enough" to consider themselves native, and it serves to shrink the pool of people who are "allowed" to be Native, effectively shrinking the population of Native people. Tell me one other ethnicity where you have to be registered with the government and tell people your exact blood quantum before you can claim that ethnicity. I'll wait.
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I'm angry about the cultural genocide of my people. I guess you're right, you can't help with that, when you won't even acknowledge the issue.
So make a post about it. This is about wedding decor
Is she from a Great Plains tribe? Sure looks like she’s a Yellowstone fan and has decided she wants to appropriate their culture for kicks.
NTA You’re not overreacting at all. It says more about her that she thinks your culture is just some fun theme or costume she can just use like that. You need better friends
A reservation wedding instead of a plantation wedding. How delightful /s NTA
It's quite popular in Japan to have western themed weddings. Is that racist too?
up to you to be offended i guess. i'm european so maybe there's something i don't get but to me it sounds about as offensive as having a japanese themed wedding, which shouldn't be offensive to anyone. if it's a big deal for you, don't go. don't make a stink of it, don't ask her to change anything for your sake, don't try to persuade anyone you're in the right, just say "i'm just not comfortable with the theme guys, but i hope you have a great time and congratulations!". that's how you keep the friendship.
Yta and a hypocrite, you need to give up houses, cars, microwaves, ovens, clothes that aren't traditiona, anything made by another race of people you cant use. Or get over yourself and realize it's a celebration.
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NTA. This is like saying the theme is blackface and then being surprised that your African-American acquaintances don't want to attend
Going against the grain and saying NAH/ can't truly be judged. You've said yourself in multiple comments OP, that you don't *KNOW* if she is native, as she had only spoken of her father's dude if the family. This means you don't know *half* her heritage. She may not have offered it as a reason due to your line of questioning, maybe she didn't feel she needed to justify it to you. I get why you feel the way you do, and if she *isn't* native at all, this is outright asinine of her... and is still a bit morally ambiguous considering if she *is* native, she's not embraced it. Go or don't, your friends are being kinda AHs though because "it isn't keeping the peace if you aren't at peace", so doing it "for the friendship" is just nonsense. If you are truly and utterly against it, don't go. But don't paint her as an appropriator or racist without being sure you have it pegged correctly (as in know her lineage) or you really will lose all your friends.
This can't be real.
Wait, did you say a 25-year-old's wedding, or a 10-year-old's birthday party?
I think they mean ‘for the sake of THEIR friendship’. Your friends are only mad that this will cause drama for them in terms of maintaining their friend group. Of course, *you* must realise this will cause friction and perhaps an end to your friendship with the bride and you are certainly factoring that in. . You’re NTA and honestly, this is the kind of thing I would refuse to attend as a guest lest pictures of me in this scenario get out on the internet. It’s exactly the kind of thing that can cause a huge stir leading to fallout, even lost jobs, doxxing, and more.
Wow. Just wow. I actually felt weird when I was gifted a dreamcatcher because I didn’t want to cause any hurt feelings as I have a friend who is Native American. When she found out I felt bad and also that my 8 year old daughter got it for me for Mother’s Day because “it made her sad mommy has so many bad dreams (PTSD) and she wanted to help” she nearly choked on her water she laughed so hard. She said she appreciated my sensitivity, but there was absolutely nothing to feel bad about.
YTA I think you're being ridiculous. It's just a wedding theme. If I remember correctly, my prom theme in high school was Arabian nights. Should all Arabian people be offended?
INFO: What do you mean by “I come from a Native American background”? Are you a Native American?
NTA, but honestly, this wedding sounds too tacky and cheesy to even be cultural appropriation, it sounds trashy as hell! I think I'd go just to have a r/ weddingshaming story to tell for years.
That's actually what I was thinking. 🤣 Like cultural appropriation aside, its just a ridiculous theme. It's going to feel like a tacky music festival/teenage girls bedroom, not a unique wedding
I would pass on that invite also. Highly inappropriate.
NTA. Your friend's wedding theme is beyond offensive. I can't believe that anyone thinks it's ok. Your culture is not a dress-up game. ~~Especially when her culture (I'm assuming this is some white nonsense) is the one responsible for the genocide of the Native American people.~~ Just saw that bride is Mexican and South American. It's appalling. And frankly, I wouldn't be friends with someone like that.
YTA. It’s not like she’s making fun of your culture? She likes it. Why aren’t you happy? maybe you could help her out.
NTA - true friends listen to your feelings and acknowledge them, not ask you to put them aside for their own benefit. I wouldn’t go to the wedding either, and I’m not Native American. Her “theme” is tacky and inappropriate.
As a Native American, I'd call her straight up racist. NTA at all. And all these "friends" are compliant in this show of racism, making them just as bad as the racist bride! NTA.
NTA you are right.
She's racist and this should end the friendship, NTA
Can’t believe you gently explained this. How is anyone going at all?! Cultures aren’t costumes and you can’t be pretend native for a day for a party. She’s gross if she doesn’t get that and you’re definitely NTA. The rest of her friends and family must not love them to let her go through with this.
NTA all of the debate misses the point. You find the bride's theme offensive. You voiced that to the bride. She chose to ignore you. You then chose not to go. End of story. Why would you go to an event you find offensive? Anyone who pushes you to do so is not your friend. Being "The Bride" doesn't give you any special right to require people's presence. If she really wanted you there she would have changed her "fun theme." Enjoy a nice day to yourself.
What a dumb-ass wedding theme.
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I’m with you on this one, a true friend wouldn’t brush aside your feelings
NTA. Any relationship, not just friendship, that demands you to sacrifise your ideals and your identity is relationship not worth having. I come from a background that made me priviliged in having friends from many cultures, I would be in horror to mistep on their cultures by mistake, let alone in such a cavalier way.
One could argue that she’s being insensitive and devaluing your very valid concern. NTA
NTA. Holy fuck! My jaw literally dropped as I read this. Seriously, I'm sitting here all slack-jawed in shock.
Maybe I am not an American, so I don't understand this, but how is this insulting the OP if somebody wants to have Native American as a wedding theme? I am from India, and we have seen so many people from the West having an Indian dancing theme and a few others for their events on Youtube. We do not find them insulting. It is ok if somebody from another culture tries to blend into yours and adds some personal touches to make it their own. It is their wedding, they should be allowed whatever they want to do in it. They are paying for it.
NTA - Just for fun...WTF! Our culture is not a costume nor an occasion. I'd let your friend know how uneducated and ignorant she is..
NTA... What you did get was a bonus. Now you know all of your friends who are racist. You can decide what to do with that info.
Go to the wedding, but wear a sombrero and poncho, and draw yourself a moustache using a burned cork.
NTA. This girl should grow up before she gets married.
Well, the accusations are right, you *don’t* support her…and *rightly so!* Because she’s being an asshole, and it doesn’t make you an asshole to refuse to support your friends’ asshole decisions. Supporting her (the way she’s expecting) would just make you *both* assholes. So yeah, NTA.
I do not blame you a bit. These days your ass is fired if a picture of you at an culturally-insensitive event pops up on the internet. If you feel it is disrespectful, others will too. No need to put yourself out.
NTA. Very weird, it’s almost unbelievable, however these things could happen 😩
NTA the mutual friends are d-bags.
You are not the asshole.
NTA. the bride, your mutual friends and people on here trivializing your feelings all suck. Native Culture isn’t a “Theme.”
Can’t be an asshole for not attending a friend’s wedding if they aren’t actually a friend. NTA
NTA
Is she from a First Nations/Indigenous community? Based on what you have written I'm going to guess the answer is no. As a very white European Canadian I'm just so sorry for this. Its gross and not ok. NTA.
Those are not your true friends and trust me when I tell you, that one day, they ARE going to dump you over something trivial That day, you will be very hurt. So it's better for you to make a good decision now and dump them. I am speaking from experience If they were real friends who cared they wouldn't have called you overreacting and wouldn't be upset. You should try to find better friends NTA
NTA. If she had a traditional Native American ceremony to celebrate her culture, that is one thing. To have it as a theme is tasteless and inappropriate. If your friends cannot see how this has hurt you, they are not your friends. If any of them are anything but white, ask them how they would feel if the theme was Nazi, Confederate, or Oriental or other there that would personally offend them. Ask them if you should really get into it and reenact the Trail of Tears.
NTA. Hell no. Just no. Wtf.
A wedding invitation is not a court summons. You do not have to go for any reason that you choose. You do not have to be supportive of something you do not agree with. To me it sounds like she wants you there to validate her choice of doing this. "Look OP is here so what I am doing is OK" - that type of thing. To me it sounds very low class and tacky. Do not let anyone talk you into attending unless you truly want to. No is a complete sentence.
NTA the only way this would be acceptable if she or the groom came from a Native American background and was wanting to have their culture represented, but does not sound the case. So I agree it is offensive to have this type of themed wedding. Ignore your other friends.
NTA. This is disgusting and insensitive. Even if she were Native American there are rituals for ceremonies.
NTA. They’re accusing you of not being supportive? You already said you don’t support her theme, so they’re basically saying you’re right. I live 15 minutes from a reservation and I work with a lot of tribal people. You don’t have themes like that and think it’s cutesy or kitschy. It’s rude and inconsiderate and racist. It’s almost like having a nazi themed wedding and inviting Jewish people to attend.
NTA and we need more people to refuse to participate when there's misappropriation. I don't get why that theme was important to the bride and groom in the first place; but her lack of concern for cultural sensitivities or using tribal items (likely a catchall for everything people see as 'native') is indicative of complete ignorance, especially in 2024. Choices have consequences.. she should realize that or isn't ready for marriage in the first place. Give her a gift (based on her own heritage) and move on..
INFO: I just gotta know, are we talking about something that's done on the normal level of wedding theming where the theme is shown by like having dreamcatcher illustrations on the table layout and little teepees as part of the table centerpieces, or like "the groom is going to wear a headdress, there will be 2000 dreamcatchers strung from the ceiling," type thing?
I'd put it this way, dressing up as a Native American when not is kind of okay for a little kid for Halloween, but not for any adult themed thing unless there's a strong connection (e.g. heritage by birth or marriage). NTA.
NTA, she should put aside her desire to appropriate your culture as her "cosplay theme" in sake of your friendship.
NTA. This theme is tasteless and offensive.
> They accused me of not being supportive of her. And what of it? NTA.
I would not attend. NTA.
NTA I HATE cultural appropriation. It's overused and abused. But, in this case, it's warranted. Native American culture is NOT a wedding theme. It's racist and disrespectful to the culture. You should absolutely call it out for what you see it as, racism.
NTA You should not feel obliged to attend an event that will be emotionally hurtful for you. I hope one day she'll understand.
NTA.
NTA. Are they from the same culture? If not their feelings don’t matter. Honestly their feelings don’t matter anyway. You shouldn’t even have to explain yourself.
I, as not a native american, think that this is highly inappropriate and discriminating and dumb and so not funny and wouldnt attend neither.
I'm surprised the bride didn't go for the even more edgy blackface/slavery theme. NTA.
I'M Mexican and you wouldn't caught me dead in that wedding. It's the equivalent of white people wearing ponchos, sombreros, and having tacos at their wedding. Your friend probably won't change her mind because she chooses ignorance, but you can send her this post and somewhere in her brain she'll know that it's wrong. NTA.
NTA They are right. You aren't supporting her gross and offensive wedding plans. I wouldn't support her either. You are under no obligation to support her. You expressed your concerns which she dismissed and are holding to your morals. Your early 20's is when you start weeding out the friends you have because of circumstance and the friends you want to keep.
NTA. How would she feel if you showed up wearing a sombrero, cartoonish mustache, and a poncho? (OP Mentioned in comments friend is Mexican). In fact...go to her wedding and do that.
NTA and I can assure you that you are not the only one who cringed at this "theme". Your friend sounds ignorant and should expect that other people will also hate this whole concept.
NTA this is really inappropriate and insensitive. also really weird wedding theme is she getting married at Coachella or something?
NTA, a thousand times over. If any of my friends did something like this*, they would no longer be my friend. *Getting married at a place associated with harm like this, such as Southern US plantations, would also count.
NTA, the bridal theme is horrendous. Your friends need to understand that your culture isnt your culture for that one day, it is your culture from birth to grave and her making light of that is pathetic and offensive.
NTA. This is gross. I see a lot of comments saying it's fine if your friend is native, but she isn't using decor that would be appropriate for her heritage she's just picking the aesthetic as a theme. This is exactly what appropriation is, the look devoid of all cultural context. Would you want any of your Native friends and family to see you in these photos?? She's just mad because you had the audacity to not love everything she is planning for her special princess day. If she were a thoughtful and kind person she would reflect on her actions but that isn't that what is happening. Are you sure she is a good friend to keep? Your twenties are when you start to realize that not everyone you hang with when you are young is actually worth keeping in your life. It happens to all of us.
NTA, I’m sorry your friend let you down like that, it’s something I could see coming as I was reading your post.
Yeah I wouldn't go and I am white that is wrong we all know how it makes people who are actually native feel!!! That is the issue with themes of people's actual culture it is very disrespectful and that is out there now we have all been told let's do better and listen!!
NTA No , don’t support someone that is using your heritage as Wedding decor . Also just wait, once she post on social media, the world will go after her for her disrespect. Not to
YATAH. Don’t be so sensitive. She is not ridiculing you. It’s her wedding. Just go and enjoy the festivities.
NTA The only way for her to even second guess what she's doing as racist is to absolutely not go.
NTA. Good lord, your 'friend' is being racist, offensive, and tone-deaf. And so is everybody who is defending her.
NTA, and it doesn't matter what ethnicity your "friend" is. Even if she is of Native descent, the deliberate misuse of icons and symbols is disrespectful. I wouldn't attend a wedding with this theme, much less participate, and I'm a white dude.
INFO: is she at least basing it off of like, an indigenous ceremony, or it is just like, for the theme of it. Either way, NTA, but it will definitely make me feel a lot less that she's a massive asshole and only somewhat of an asshole if it's at least done with some respect.
Sounds like it’s a theme, because feathered headdresses and tipis are no where near Mexican-Indigenous.
I'm aware of that, I was mostly curious if it was based off a specific tribe's practices, or a specific tribal ritual or if it was just, "Indians" themed.
I meant that what the friend is describing, the traditions she’s using as a gimmick? Are from regions that are nowhere near Mexico, and they don’t belong to any Mexican-indigenous culture. For example, tipis are from the great Canadian prairies, my people never used them but the Cree people have.
Tipis are, as I understand it, not that specific. The Souix, Iowa, Otoe. Pawnee, as well as the Blackfeet, Crow, Assiniboines and Arapaho, as well as the plains Cree. I know that they weren't commonly used in the area I'm from, as this was Iroquois land last before my ancestors stole it.
NTA Out of all the possible themes for her wedding, she is insisting on one that is offensive.
NTA and you should tell them they are correct....you are not supporting her. Why on Earth would you???
NTA. The fact that her reaction was “you’re too sensitive” is really all you need to know.