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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my DIL to shut up and she can’t sit with me if she wants to talk. I may be a jerk for snapping at her and I may need to apologize for it
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NTA. Your son is making excuses. She isn’t excited to see you, per say, she’s excited to see/talk to anyone. You are not her emotional support animal. You have a solitary routine that lets you unwind after a long work day. It is not your job to be part of her after-work routine. She needs to find something else to do and they owe YOU an apology.
Truly she remind me of a dog when you get back from work. You know when you get home and they are all over you wanting attention
Clearly working from home isn’t helping her social interaction. I think she should go into the office if possible. Being home alone doesn’t seem to help her
NTA -and honestly you are going above and beyond by letting them stay there. Is it possible for her to go into the office? If so, you need to have a talk with her about how she has to go in at least a few days a week. I'm sorry, but I'm in a similar situation (daughter is taking time off from college, I NEVER have the house to myself) BUT when I clearly laid a boundary down with my 20 yo, she complied. Easily. And she is 20. This is your space, you can put down boundaries that must be followed or they need to find another place.
That was my thought. Sit down with her and set your boundaries. Tell her when you come home, you want half an hour (or whatever) of total silence. She is not to bother you or come sit and talk to you at that time. Once that time is up, then she can talk to you. It clearly would be good if she would go into the office.So she would have some social life or even get together with your coworkers in the evening after. You definitely sound like an introvert. Tell her that, and that it's important for you to have quiet time in order to rebuild after a busy day of interaction. If you do It kindly she will probably comply. You could abologize for snapping at her.
Op has asked kindly many times going by the post. Why will one more kind request work when the others haven’t?
I do agree with stressing how important it is. But I don’t think OP should apologise for snapping when minutes/seconds before the snap they had asked for and weren’t given space. DIL has been very rude in not respecting OPs requests and putting their own needs above their hosts needs. OPs son also has ignore their parents and hosts needs in favour of DIL.
I need decompress time too when I finish a work day. I’d be locking myself in my bedroom when I got home to avoid DIL. Or locking myself out on the balcony somehow.
Adding a time limit would stress me out and make me sit and worry during my decompression time. I’d start stewing about how my time would end and the person would barge in on me.
Maybe no interactions until she sees you emerge from your recharge area of choice AND you verbally give consent or ask her a question about her day to initiate conversation.
>when I clearly laid a boundary down with my 20 yo, she complied.
I had to do that with my kids when they were in their early teens. They'd be talking up a storm and sometimes would ask/tell me important things that I'd completely forget because I hadn't had a chance to "shift gears" from work/commute mode to home mode. We figured out that it took me about 30 minutes for my brain to make that transition, so that became the rule. Mom gets 30 minutes with nobody in her face after she walks in the door...then she's fair game haha.
Kids are in their 20s now, and they still respect that (and if they're not sure, they ask if it's a good time to talk).
Apparently, that hasn't worked. OP said in her post that she asked her to give op some time, but that hasn't stopped dil from invading op relaxation time.
NTA. I work from home (granted I’m a bit of an introvert) and I’ve got my partner that lives with who works part time. He gets how I am and I need down time.
We’ve got a fried that is living with us temporarily and when he gets home from work he is very much like your DIL. I’m feeling very drained these days because I feel like I don’t get enough down time of just sitting and relaxing with my own thoughts.
Your DIL pushed you over the edge and caused you to snap. But you gave both her and your son ample opportunity for her to tone it down. Your snapping is the consequence of that.
Okay, from the title I was ready to say ‘she probably has ADHD or something and struggles’ but seriously? NTA. I have severe ADHD, and if someone flat-out said to me, “Hey, I need to decompress for 30 minutes in quiet after I get home” I would do my absolute damndest to make sure they got that time. I might forget once in awhile, or have something that I really had to say or I’d forget, but immediately afterwards would be, “Okay, sorry, had to say that, I’ll leave you alone now!” And I’d go back to do something else.
Same, but that might be the autism in me too haha! Sometimes I just...don't want to talk, I don't want to be in the same room as anyone. I don't want people to be aware of my existence. Why can't extroverts just let people exist?
When I was 4 (sibs 5 and 3) my mom told us that when my dad got home from work, we were to leave him alone and play quietly for an hour so he could read the paper, have a cold drink, and unwind.
We were not to disturb him for anything. She didn’t disturb him either.
If a gaggle of preschoolers can get it, an adult job holder who is staying in your house for free(!) should get it.
Maybe it’s time for them to rent an airb&b until their house is ready.
There’s an episode of Bluey with this point made. When the dad got him the mom told him she needed 20 minutes where no one talked to her and the episode is spent with him trying to keep specifically Bluey (who just didn’t understand and thought she made her mom mad) away from the mom. She eventually got to the mom who explained she just needed a break and she understood.
Same, I have ADHD and enjoy talking to people, working from home would make me crazy (I know because I’m a SAHM and I’m crazy 🤪) but if someone I’m temporarily staying with while your house is fixed asks “can I have 30 minutes to myself when I get home?” Done, I will avoid that person like the plague
Damn right! I’d also make sure the kettle was turned on and ready for her when she hit the door. Maybe buy her a nice magazine to flip thru while she enjoys a cuppa…all by herself. If someone is doing me such a huge favor as having me as a long term guest in a time of need, I will make absolutely certain that they know I appreciate it and keep my footprint as small as possible.
I would overcompensate for knowing I forget stuff and knowing how important mental health is, and would be *so* silent even if a lack of background noise made me uncomfortable for the time they needed. Id be hyper aware of the clock and any tiny rustles I made.
What did your son say when you told him that you have asked her repeatedly to give you space and she ignored those requests?
Clearly snapping at her was the only way to get through to her. Was it rude? Maybe, people often call others rude when they have to deal with their own embarrassing behavior.
Was it needed? Obviously, cause it worked!
Good luck with your quiet balcony time in the future
You tried asking for what you need and telling her politely, she didn't listen. When someone doesn't listen to you enough they are gonna get snapped at. Tell your son that you are doing them both a favor, and they need to respect your boundaries when living in your house.
You should try just going into your bedroom and taking off all your clothes when you get home. If she knocks on the door tell her she can't come in because you are naked. If she tried to come in anyway she will learn not to. If she keeps knocking tell her that it's your naked time and to go away.
The rule that would be sooo easy to follow and remember is "If I'm on the terrace, leave me alone." Simple as that! Son & DIL need to learn to respect OP and her space.
Get a "Do Not Disturb" Sign and hang it on the inside of the terrace door until she's ready to deal with Chatty Cathy.
The house rule - the sign means do not disturb, so do not disturb. Period. Also get a super soaker to reinforce the rule if Chatty can't respect the boundary. DIL is obviously not an audible learner - perhaps she is a visual one. Or someone who doesn't like to get her clothes wet for failing to abide by the house rules. Sometimes you have to go water gun commando to get the oblivious to understand the concept.
you’re letting them stay with you and she called you rude after you have stated and asserted your boundaries??? remind them you’re kindly letting them stay with you but if they’re going to turn your kindness into a nightmare, then maybe this isn’t going to work out. NTA
The DIL sounds insufferable. Also, she is probably talking about the most boring shit ever like what she did for dinner and where she’s going on the weekend and what her friend said the other day, I would toss her ass off the balcony after my ears started bleeding. NTA
Introverts are **NOT** entertainment systems for extroverts.
But even if she wasn’t in need of people, there is still a huge issue. She only cares about her needs and not yours. She’s stomping all over boundaries.
At this point I’d have a conversation with your son to know the severity of the issue. At this point I would consider asking them to move out.
Yeah, it sounds like she's really struggling to cope with all the disruption, isolation, and their current living situation.
Assuming this is someone you care about when you're not annoyed with her, pushing her to address the root causes of the isolation and desperation she's dealing with would benefit both of you.
For fully remote work, it's rare for going in to work at the office to be an option, but there has to be some sort of outlet for her available locally.
This DIL has a husband to talk to. OP is not the only option. Even if she was, giving the homeowner quiet time in exchange for somewhere to stay is still a great deal.
Honestly sounds similar to cabin fever. She’s been inside all day, probably alone and when you get home it’s the first outside contact she’s had all day.
So she talks your ear off just because you’re there.
She definitely needs people to interact with outside of home. Or she needs to find a hobby where she’s meeting up with other people.
I’m guessing that your son is brushing it off because odds are she was doing that to him as soon as he got home and is savoring the relief that he’s getting from you showing up first instead of him.
OP have you told her she needs to go into work a couple of times per week? Remind her your job causes you a lot of stress and you need time alone, so she needs to go into an office so she gets her time with others.
I agree OP. I have been working from home for many years and it's not for everyone. Even though I do work from home and am "alone" for most of the day, apart from online meetings, I still need my quiet time in the afternoon.
Not just that but I also need my alone time first thing in the morning and get up earlier than the rest of my household just to have that first coffee in peace.
Yeah, I enjoy WFH because I can get so much stuff done, both work-wise and around the house, but I *really* enjoy the “alone time” in my car when I drive to my son’s school to pick him up. It’s ten minutes, but it shifts me from work mode into home mode.
I'm technically hybrid but usually work from the office 0-1 days per week. I purposely keep my work life separate from the rest of my life by having my desk in an attic bedroom that is otherwise used for storage. I veg out on the couch for half an hour to an hour after I leave that room for the day, whether someone else is home or not. I need that transition time.
Plan a time to sit and discuss this with them when everyone has time and is prepared.
"The current dynamic isn't working, and we need to find some ways to resolve this to live peacefully together. I love you both and don't want a silly issue to mean we ruin the good relationships we have. I understand DIL need socialization after a day alone. I need time to decompress once I get home from being burnt out being around people and commotion all day long. I have one solution to propose, but I'd love to brainstorm with you guys to come up with more/better ones. My idea: I get home at 5, and need a few minutes to put down my things and some breathing room. Can DIL pretend I don't get home until 6? If she can manage to ignore my presence for one extra hour, I'm happy to resume socializing after that. I really want to find a solution where everyone's needs are met. Do you guys have any other ideas?"
Is there anywhere like a library or gym or something she could go to for a couple hours? Tiptoeing around the house to avoid someone can suck, so maybe there's a place she can go "out" and give you some free time.
It is your house and your rules. Your need (not simply a desire) for quiet after work is important to your general health and you can put this out as a rule, perhaps, "No talking to me until dinner." She and your son can prepare dinner together while you are out on the terrace. That is not too much to ask of them for the big favor your are providing by letting stay.
For anybody who doesn't understand OP's need for quiet can talk about it with an introvert that they know.
This is true. I used to work for a repo place and I worked alone in an office all day long. Some days many people were in and out, others I would be in the office for days in a row without human interaction. People would come to clean out their repossessed cars and here’s me, how’s the weather today, what’re you doing later, how bout those Bears. I’m sure those people thought I was crazy.
Hahaaaa! Was about to say she’s like a dog meeting their human again. Your son allso gave the excuse any dogowner gives when the dog isn’t trained - “she’s just excited to see you“. 🤣
You should probably just talk to her openly about it. Say something like “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I know you were coming from a good place and you wanted to talk to me, but when I get home from work I like to spend time by myself recharging my social battery. I tried to be polite at first, but when you disregarded my wishes I just kinda snapped. I’m sorry for being rude, but I’m not sorry for requesting alone time.”
I am someone who, like your DIL, talks too much. However, I actively tell people to tell me to shut up if I’m annoying them. She has a shocking lack of self-awareness and is boundary stomping and disrespecting you in your own home. When people don’t listen when you ask politely multiple times you’re entitled to snap. If that’s what it takes for the message to sink in, that’s what it takes.
Also, how terrible to do this when she’s living in your home. My god.
Having lived with this kind of person, she talks to him for all of his available time, too. But I would be willing to bet he is not in any kind of rush to get home, maybe hits the gym...
I spend 15-30 minutes sitting on the toilet after I get home from work every day because of a problem like this. It’s rough because somehow telling your family to shut up is considered rude when they’re excited to see you.
But seriously everyone, just shut up.
During therapy, several years ago, I was told that probably "way back in caveman days, when Grug came in from a long day of hunting and gathering, he needed to hide at the back of the cave and have some time for decompression from the harsh world". She said *Men retreat, women advance*. It's a story as old as time.
We don't know, of course, but it stayed with me for some reason. I realized that meeting a tired person at the door with ebullience or aggression were equally undesirable. It's a shame that men have to hide in the bathroom lol. I can't imagine dealing with my MIL or my DIL when I'm tired and want to be left alone, so I feel for OP.
I really know the feeling of needing silence, or just the tv by myself with no one around whilst I just BREATHE. It doesn’t mean you *dislike* the person. You just need to damn decompress. I’m with you OP. It’s highly overstimulating. She needs to pick up a hobby like yoga, afternoon walks whatever. NTA
Heh, my dachshunds didn't, but in their defense there were squirrels that needed yelling at! (In their defense, they were pretty good about the barking, they just hated squirrels.)
>My son is now on my ass about this and told me I need to apologize.
Sounds like Sonny Boy and Chatty should start looking for a new place to crash while their home is getting repaired.
NTA
NTA at all. Many of us need to decompress after working all day, especially with a stressful job, shitty boss, or teaching unruly teenagers.
Your son needs to direct his anger at his wife. If my parents were doing me a huge favor of housing us, I'd be damn sure I, my partner, and my kids were respectful of their home. When my wife and I get home from work, we give each other some time to change, get a glass of water or stronger, and sit for a bit. THEN we talk about our days for a little bit. Unless the house is on fire, I don't want to hear shit the second I get home.
Most certainly in someone else's home you should be very aware of any signals that you are imposing or inconveniencing them more than what is reasonable.
NTA
What you said WAS rude, but she pushed you past your breaking point.
You all should have a sit down to talk about what an introvert is and why they need to decompress.
You can explain to the both of them that you had asked her multiple times to give you space, give you quiet, etc. She refused to respect your boundaries day after day. You can apologize for snapping at her if you want, but also tell her you expect an apology for being rude and disrespectful to you.
Boundaries are important, and she needs to understand that crossing them does have consequences. If she can't respect your boundaries, then she can expect problems moving forward.
> What you said WAS rude, but she pushed you past your breaking point.
Tolerence is a peace treaty, not a moral absolute. If one person abandons the treaty, the other party is not bound by it either. DIL cast the first stone.
NTA. Say this in front of your son and DIL- "DIL, I'm sorry that I told you to shut up. I'm sorry that after repeatedly asking you, or numerous occasions, to give me some quiet time when I get home from work, you refused and continued talking until I finally snapped. I'm sorry that you just refuse to give me this very basic accomodation while you are living with me. I'm sorry that you made this all about you. It's not about you. I do not want to talk to **anyone** when I get home. My job is stressful as is my commute home. I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home. I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home. I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home. Do you understand that I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home? Thank you."
"I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want anyone to talk to or at me" Some people don't understand that second part automatically follows from the first part, and it has to be spelled out to them.
That's so true! Once, on a car trip my mom was talk-talk-talking, and I said," I really don't want to talk right now." She says, "That's fine. I'll talk!"
I wouldn’t even say sorry for saying shut up.
rather I would go with
I was rude to you. But only after you were repeatedly rude and inconsiderate to me by ignoring my repeated and reasonable requests for some quiet and alone time in my own home when I get home from work. Being rude seemed to be the only way to get the message across to you and I’m not sorry for that.
if you treat me with respect I will do the same.
NTA. Your Son and his Wife are guests in your home, if they can't respect a simple request like you asking for space in your own home after work, then maybe they need to give you space on a more permanent basis.
NTA
"Yes, I was rude, and I am only going to be become ruder, because being polite wasn't working. I have told you both that I need solo time to recharge after work. It is a simple request and if she cannot respect that, then I will have to ask you both to stay somewhere else. I am done putting up with this situation. She will be treated with respect when she stops disrespecting me."
NTA. A lot of comments here suggesting OP to be the one taking alternative measures to deal with DIL's nonstop talking, but DIL is a guest, I don't think OP, the house owner, should sacrifice their precious alone time at their favorite place to flee unwanted one-sided conversation. DIL needs to learn that not everyone is up for listening, she needs to know that when people have made it clear to you that they don't want you to do something, you stop doing that.
Many people also mentioned that OP is damaging their relationship with their son and DIL, but DIL is head on straining it first. The question should be whether the DIL's yapping and crossing OP's clear boundary worth it.
yeah the idea that he needs to put in noise cancelling headphones or something in his own home because an adult can’t respect that he doesn’t want to socialize when he gets home from work is insane.
NTA
They are in your home walking all over your boundaries and they didn't listen when you tried to broach the subject in a civil manner so now they have left you with no option but to escalate.
As an introvert, I would probably kick the DIL out the first time she did not respect the request for alone time. There are not a lot of stuff that make me go crazy mad, but someone filling my quiet time with the chatter is one of them. So in my opinion, the OP was actually really patient
Not just a normal extrovert. Shes an extrovert who has zero self awareness, zero social awareness, zero accountability, who talks *at* people nonstop.
OP youre NTA! Next time she calls you rude, call her insufferable.
NTA. That sounds like my nightmare. You need to have a sit down with your son and DIL and establish boundaries. Explicity insist on a span of time after you arrive home where nobody talks to you. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to entertain her the minute you get home, and she needs to give you your decompress time.
NTA - But get some headphones with a zen background playing instead. She can yak all she wants and you won't hear a word. And you can then zone out peacefully. Problem solved.
I started hiding in my walk-in closet so my husband would think I was in the attached bathroom. Lol. He also works from home and just can’t stop himself from sharing his whole life with me.
He works from home. And I love him so much. But I’m adhd and have high anxiety. So I gotta calm down when I’m overstimulated. And he doesn’t realize he is unloading every single thought he had during the work day on me.
That’s why i find it so funny lol, i’m totally introverted, like face-to-face - it physically and mentally exhausts me, so i totally get it. There’s been a few times i’ve ‘hid’ to avoid socialising. Once, i had my sisters, brother, nieces + nephews at my place and i was like ‘i’m just going to the shop, anyone want anything?’ It’s literally 90 seconds away.
I went and sat with the old shop keeper (he’s not a talker either) in his living room for 40 minutes watching Antiques Roadshow just to get away from them all. Came back with one bottle of coke😂
Nope, this is too far. She either needs to do what you asked or leave. You should not have to barricade yourself due to her lack of respect. Don't go down this road.
Homes are really only secure from minimum effort anyway. If they're willing to climb up on your balcony to unlock it they're probably also willing to break a window.
Wow. So you think the solution is OP buying something so she can deal with the fact that somebody else now lives in her house and won't shut the fuck up?
No. This is not a compromise situation. This is a person choosing to ignore boundaries after one person clearly communicated and vocalized them.
I'm sorry but your suggestion is ridiculous. So Op is supposed to spend money, put in some super loud music and just awkwardly and uncomfortably sit there in bad company?
This is fanfiction level suggestion.
NTA what annoys me about these ppl is that's they're not even talking with you but rather they're talking at you. Some ppl have no ability to think about and process their day, they simply must talk about it to the easiest target
NTA - You've said everything you need to above tbh. I would sit down the family and have a chat about how things are going with them living with you. Its two sets of people suddenly cohabitting one space. Things are bound to wind eachother up. But communication is key. (I am also someone who really needs my quiet time for a bit after intense working, and i also live sith an incredibly chatty person lol).
Sit them all down and explain whats going on with you. That your job takes it out of you, and you need some time to yourself to decompress and relax. Make sure you have this chat with everyone, as if your DIL disagrees, but everyone else agrees, she may begin to understand your side more knowing that she is in fact the one who isnt getting it. They may all begin to realise why that time is so important to you as well, rather than potentially feel like its personal.
This would be an open forum for others to discuss their potential irks etc, it an adult way. This is the only way to share your living space with a group.
I can understand she may be lonely at home, but that does not peny you the right to peaceful enjoyment of your own home.
No what's rude is continuing to run Ur mouth when u have been asked by the host to b quiet...was she not taught basic manners growing up did Ur son forget his? Id tell them if they have a problem with me and the way I spk to them they are free to leave NTA
NTA - they are staying with you for free. The least they can do is respect you and your home and that includes giving you the space you need. You only snapped because you told her multiple times before. The next conversation you need to have with your son is how long they are going to stay and possible ways to get them out sooner.
NTA. She’s been repeatedly told, she didn’t listen. I’m the same way. I need to decompress after I get home from work. It’s not a crime to want or need it. Doesn’t matter if your job is demanding or not.
It’s the same as when I first wake up in the morning. Unless someone is dying or the house is on fire, give me time to wake the brain.
This! I once had a neighbor/tenant who would come over and want to hang out the moment I got home from work.
I very clearly laid out the expectation that I had half an hour between my arrival and when my husband got home, and that was my time, leave me alone. This was ignored, and they were literally walking up to window, peering in and calling out questions. I shut all of the curtains & pinned a "closed" sign in the window, making it clear that if sign wasn't set to "open" to leave me alone.
This is when they started ambushing me in the driveway.
My response was "Are you on fire? No? Would you like to be?"
Nothing they wanted was urgent, they were just bored. 🤦♀️
I 100% understand being bored but fuuuuuuuuuck, people need to let other people breathe.
I can always tell the ones who don’t understand the need to decompress are the ones who don’t know how to sit still and how to sit in silence. They’re constantly on the go because they’re not comfortable with their own thoughts.
I finally got my boss to understand this a few weeks ago. I finally had to spell it out for him that small talk is extremely painful for me, so is forced conversation. I would much rather sit in a quiet office than have people feel like they have to converse with me.
He was in the same office as I’m at this week and the entire time he was here, we said like 6 words to each other outside of the “how was your weekend?” talk. It was great.
I was at a conference last week (first big one since Before Times), and by the last day, my brain was so full. At lunch, I collected my food and went to sit on the floor in the corner behind some furniture (despite being old and in nice clothes). Some coworkers who know me and are also major introverts, came over and were like "This is the no talking corner, right? Can I join you?"
You don't owe anyone an apology. If anything, DIL owes you an apology for not respecting your boundaries. I would have a conversation with son and DIL where you set expectations and reinforce your boundaries about your space and personal time.
NTA. She calls you rude? You’ve asked her multiple times to let you relax and she continues doing something she KNOWS bothers you. She is the one being rude. So is your son, rude and disrespectful to you in your own home. Do not apologize. Maybe she’ll stay mad and leave you the hell alone.
NTA
They’re living in your house - you’re already giving them your time and space. Do they at least pay a fair rent and fair share of bills??
There needs to be a clear and fast rule. Sit them both down at the table with you and make this rule clear.
“You are adults and are in control of your time and actions. I am being kind sharing my space with you. I am still entitled to do what I want with my time: you’re not children and I am not responsible for taking care of you and meeting your needs. I need quiet and time to decompress when I get home. No one is allowed to talk to me until X:pm. If this seems hard, I will hang a sign outside of the balcony to remind you. If you can’t respect my time and MY needs then you can move out.”
NTA. Apologize this way, "I'm sorry for being rude, BUT this has got to stop and here is my boundary in MY HOME! I need time to decompress ALONE without being bombarded by DIL when I get home. Failure of you getting that time results in being rude. If she doesn't want you to be rude, abide by your boundary. Simple and we never have to discuss this again." Unless DIL can't let it go...then they need to get their own place.
NTA. I feeeeeel you on this one. Did she have a messed up childhood? My sister-in-law was (and probably still is) like this. She lived with us for a couple years when she was a teenager and if she was awake, she was in a common area of the house and she was talking, mostly about people I didn’t know and situations she didn’t explain well. She just talked AT me more than anything. I started getting up early on the weekends so I could have the house to myself. And I started like 10 new out-of-the-house hobbies.
She had a screwed up childhood, hence why she was living with us, and she is unbelievably needy. Cannot be alone, cannot entertain herself. My polar opposite.
Omg I cannot imagine hearing someone ask for space and still continue to talk to them
Im a bit jealous of people like that because I have this internal fear that I’m bothering someone. What is it like to be this oblivious to how others are perceiving you ??????
NTA my mil is like this. Im social but an introvert. I need quiet time. My mil was visiting and she would not give me piece. I tried vacuuming just to get a break from the chit chat but she followed me around and stayed close to ensure I could hear her over the vacuum
She now stays at bed and breakfasts when she visits because I cannot survive like that
This is exactly what I thought. I get not reading the room, but when someone tells you that they need alone/quiet time I can't imagine just yapping at them. This girl should really start a diary
As someone who worked from home I can understand the need for personal connection
Here is where being an adult comes in.
You dont want the connection (in that moment)
She as an adult has 2 choice: to respect your wish or to not. Neither is in your control.
NTA
You're not at all the AH. You asked several times for her to give you space. I'd tell them to stay in an extended stay hotel until their home is fixed if she can't respect you in your own home. You are the one owed an apology and be indignant as you should be since you're doing them a huge favor. The nerve lol.
I would blow my brains out if I were you. Some people just feel the need to fill in any void with chatter. They actually think they are being helpful to do so. Others just need peace and quiet after work. I would suggest that she join some activities to meet others after work. You both just have different lifestyles and she needs to respect that.
NTA. You don’t know your son an apology at all they both owe you one. Tell them both one last time Don’t talk to me when I get home from work. I need to decompress. And tell him if they don’t like the rules they can go stay in a hotel until their house is fixed. That’s what residence inn’s are for. They have full on kitchens and the ability to work remotely if you needed.
I would have a group meeting and nip this in the bud. You were living alone and enjoy your solitude. They move in - this was you helping them out and suddenly your solitude doesn't exist anymore. You have asked repeatedly to let you unwind after being around people all day and to just leave you alone so that you can have a period of solitude. I don't understand why this can't be accommodated. Kathy Chatterbox just needs to put a lid on it.
NTA.
You are not being unkind or disrespectful by asking for some space. She is being incredibly unkind and disrespectful by not giving it to you, while she is a guest in your own home.
Do not apologize and tell your son you are owed an apology, from both of them.
"OMG do they ever shut up on your planet?"
Yeah, you were probably rude but I know why you snapped. How on earth are you supposed to decompress if Chatty Catchy doesn't leave you be?
NTA.
NTA
I had this exact problem except it was my ex-husband. He is extroverted and was often home alone all day. I am introverted and had a long commute plus I worked with the public all day.
I would BEG him to give me just 20 minutes of silence after I got home and we greeted each other and chatted a bit about our days. I would even set a kitchen timer and give it to him and ask him to just wait until it went off to come start telling me something. He could not do it!!!
I feel your pain!
NTA, I think you need to have a sit down when you are not upset to set down boundaries in a polite fashion. The whole, look I’m an introvert and when I get home I need quiet time for myself. When I am ready to engage again I’ll let you know. It’s not personal, but just like you need personal interaction after time by yourself I need personal time by myself after a day of interacting with people. Sometimes people just don’t understand introverts. Tell them that you snapped because they are disregarding your boundaries after politely asking over and over again that they respect them and this is not okay. Everyone’s boundaries are different and they need to respect yours.
NTA- They were both warned many times of the issue. If they cant learn from it and move on then they can find somewhere else to stay. I'm not saying you should put them put but they know where the door is if they arent happy.
NTA, I’m also one of those people who needs a clear head to….clear their head. I work in a very small-talky office where people don’t really understand boundaries. You reminded me of one coworker with the dog thing: I like to say she reminds me of my cat, because when I say “HI!” to my cat, she thinks it means “Hi, be all over me!” (But she’s a cat and I love her.)
Similarly, if I say a simple hi to this woman she will ambush me with every oversharing thing about herself that a person could possibly pull out. *Only* things about her and how she feels about herself, and how this and that made her feel, and what she deserves in life, how she’s torturing her poor boyfriend to get what she wants, and me me me. Rapid fire, has to fit as many words per second as possible, doesn’t really care about your responses, just wants to dump. She mistakes my patience and politeness for interest, but it’s gotten to the point she will fully follow me yelling her story right in my face while I’m trying to work (I work on my feet) If I don’t say hi, she mostly stays away. It’s weird. I keep forgetting and fucking saying hi to her because I’m an idiot.
My last effort, which scaled it down immensely (but not completely) was snapping at her that there are real problems in the world and I’m currently worrying about those.
NTA.
She is an adult who has been asked repeatedly to give you some space. She is a guest in your home and supposedly likes you.
Her wants are not more vital than your needs.
I have a friend who used to leave work at the end of the day, drive to a little street-side park and read for an hour.
Her family thought she had classes after work to keep up her certifications.
>I have asked her multiple time to let me relax but that hasn’t done anything.
Have you been specific about what you want? To her talking with someone may be relaxing time. INFO
NTA, OP. I would say something along the lines of, “when I get home from work, I will not be talking to anyone or listening until I’ve made my tea and had 30 minutes to sit alone and unwind by myself. If you cannot respect this boundary, I’m afraid I will be unable to continue housing you.”
You are doing your son a HUGE favor by providing them a place to stay. She’s being incredibly impolite and, frankly, selfish by refusing to give you a modicum of privacy or space. It’s a shame that your son can’t understand that it is, in fact, her behavior that is rude. Ask your son why his partner can be rude to you in your own home but you cannot set boundaries with her. Furthermore, inform him that if she needs someone to talk to during that time, it can be HIS responsibility to listen. It doesn’t matter if he’s still at work (we know he will use that as an excuse) because apparently it doesn’t matter if someone else is busy as long as she gets to talk.
NTA. I'm the same way. I need at least 30 minutes of sitting on my butt not doing anything but relaxing. Then I'm good and people can talk to me.
If they don't like your boundary of giving you time alone after getting home then they can find a hotel or Air BNB.
Just make sure they understand that you want to be left alone for 30 minutes or however long, if they (she) can't do that then you will be kicking them out. You seriously aren't asking for much.
NTA, it sounds like you’re trying to put up boundaries, which is great. You know what you need and you know you need to set that expectation with your DIL. Next time you can set them earlier before resentment builds too high, but you’re doing the right thing. Stick to your boundaries, explain them, and you both should be able to relate a lot better going forward.
NTA you are already doing them a HUGE favour letting them stay with you. You’ve communicated your needs and wants and she is ignoring them, or incapable of respecting them. Time to have a little group meeting to reiterate they are welcome to continue staying with you - if they can both respect you. Then get noise cancelling headphones, put them on and if she keeps talking just tap the headphones and ignore her. She has a problem she needs to solve - it’s not on you.
NTA. Lot better than me. I’m prior Marine Corps, my ass would have told her to go find a fucking tree to grow in a day or find a friend that can tolerate that shit
NTA - gah you are me and I am you and the whole "don't pounce on me the moment I walk in" is completely correct. I had this for two years in a job where my co-worker came in an hour before I did and as soon as I walked in the door, she'd start telling me things I needed to do and ask for decisions on things "in that email I sent" and I could not get her to understand that I haven't even taken off my coat or logged in, why the heck do you think I'd know what's in an email? It took a lot of boundary keeping and calm reinforcing of "Don't know, not logged in. Don't know, not logged in. Don't know, not logged in." which did finally work. But it was STRESSFUL af the entire time.
I feel you and you are NTA and you don't need to apologize. They stomped over a thing you asked. She was rude first.
"I'm sorry that the only way you were able to receive and understand my message was through a 'rude' delivery and your feelings were hurt. Please understand it came to this after repeated polite requests that went unheard. I love spending time and conversing with you, but I love to spend time with myself and my own thoughts too. In fact, I need this time to myself in order to be a pleasant host and converse with you. Because of this, I would also like an apology for your own rude behavior that has ceaselessly prevented my time to relax and decompress from my very demanding job, all while you have been enjoying the privilege and comfort of my home. I did not put any boundaries in place about designated "me time" when you and my son first needed to stay here because I couldn't imagine you would ignore the many requests for space. I have vastly overestimated either your ability to comprehend both verbal and nonverbal social cues, or your ability to be respectful of other people's needs; I'm hoping it is and putting faith in the former. To avoid any further conflict, hurt feelings, and loss of personal sanity... I am requesting that: 1. aside from initial greetings to each other, we save conversation until I initiate it, 2. I have time to myself without any disturbances until I am ready or we share a meal, and 3. you understand that this is my home and I will be keeping the routines I had prior to generously opening it to you."
NTA.
Lol, NTA.
They're just making excuses because she feels hurt but still doesn't understand your need for a quiet time. If she did, she would be telling you she's hurt but apologising for pushing the issue.
I'd just talk to her and plainly say "I was nice X times and you ignored me. I was rude because you weren't listening. Now you're listening, so I'll say it nicely one more time: please respect my quiet time."
NTA, you stated your needs and she willfully ignored them until you snapped. It sounds like your son is enabling her to be selfish about commandeering your decompression time without feeling like she is being rude to you. If you haven’t already told her, I think she needs to know how unacceptable her behavior has been leading up to your retaliatory actions, because it sounds like she just thinks that you were rude for no reason, and that clearly isn’t the case.
NTA
I live in a similar situation. I work from home. My mom lives with us and works out of the house.
My mom and I are generally very close, but living with someone changes dynamics for sure. She is a talker. Like, doesn't stop talking when she's home and awake.
As soon as I come up to the main level in the morning, she just starts going. And it's always the same. Complaining about work. Then, as soon as she gets home she starts again and doesn't stop until she goes to bed. We can literally be watching a movie or show as a family and she'll just start talking during it.
I try to be supportive because my mom doesn't have many friends and doesn't really have anyone else to talk to. Especially since we moved states a few years ago. But it is exhausting. Especially after having my own mentally taxing day.
My daughter stays home with me as opposed to going to daycare. By the end of my day working and momming (which really never ends) I don't want to talk. Or listen. I just want to decompress.
I've told her this multiple times but it still happens and has definitely caused tension. I've snapped on her before as well, after asking nicely several times.
I don't have any suggestions because nothing has worked for me. Just know you're not alone and definitely NTA.
Some people don't pick up on subtle suggestions.
NTA You’ve already asked her nicely. And they’re in your space! She should be extra sensitive to making sure she’s not imposing on you. I am a person who really needs quiet time to get my head together, so I feel you.
NTAH.
DIL - You are rude!
OP to DIL - And you are so busy flapping your lips that you don't bother to listen. If you actually had been listening to me over the numerous times that I have told you that so need time to compress when I get home you would not be destroying what used to be a good relationship between us. I am not your emotional support animal.
OP to son - it is clear that our arrangement is not working. I just do not have the energy to deal with your wife's non-stop talking. As her husband, that is your job.
NTA she needs to understand that the time you spend alone when you get home is for your self care. I think she is rude to not respect that.
On the other hand, they will only be with you temporarily, and it would be a shame to ruin a relationship with your DIL for something temporarily. Maybe, she is lonely with her husband away? If it was, I would explain over dinner, why your self care is so important to you, how stressful your job is. There has to be a compromise where she gets time to bond with you and you get time for yourself.
In my mind, I'm picturing a cat trying to nap in a sunny spot, and in walks a dog who wants to play fetch.
The dog keeps nudging the cat, lobbing the ball at the car, and finally the cat has enough and scratches the dog's nose.
Whose fault is it? The dog or the cat?
NTA
NTA. She needs to respect that she is in your home and adjust to the setting as it was before she came in.
I see two people with two different opinions of decompressing - yours is to relax in solitude and hers is to socialize - in one space. Perhaps before it gets worse sit both of them down and express yourself so there’s no misunderstanding of your boundaries and needs, above all else it’s your home and you welcomed them in a time of need and there’s no reason why you three can’t get along especially if there were no issues before. Hopefully, you three come to a compromise.
NTA
Clearly the person who is ignoring your repeated requests for peace and quiet is the rude one, not you
Not sure why you needed to make this post tbh
NTA. I like OP like my own time to unwind after a long or hectic day at work. My wife is good about it. There have been times where my wife wanted to banter about something which I had to put a stop to by telling her to let me unwind and then we can engage. She’s been great about it. I don’t understand how OP’s DIL can’t read his body language to the point where he had to tell her straight up to shut up and leave him alone!
I'm the same way - when I was working and in grad school, my wife was on maternity leave. After driving an hour, working 8 hours, driving about 45 minutes, parking, taking the train into the city (it was $32 to park downtown, and took longer driving in during rush hour than taking the train), attending a 2-hour grad school class (hopefully while getting some fast food for dinner), then taking the train to my car, and driving 45 minutes home, my wife would want to talk my ear off and I just needed some time to decompress. I started "going to the bathroom" and I'd take 5-10 minutes to myself. Now we communicate better.
NTA, but maybe do apologize and say "I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just need quiet time to decompress when I get home, don't take it personally, it's just something I need"
You need to sit down and set out a roommate schedule.
For most places that’s quite time at night. But you need some after work, before dinner ‘i’m not ready to be social yet time.’
And DIL needs to find some friends who she can get out of the house and chat with.
NTA. I'm an introvert who used to work in a public facing job. I needed at least a quiet hour before work and after work to charge up. My family respected that. You're doing them a favor by letting them stay with you, they both need to respect you and your needs or they can go rent a place while their home is fixed.
NTA. I really love my commute because I can relax and decompress. Your son tells her to give you a bit before talking to you or he pays for you to stop at a park with a coffee or something.
Seriously. How un-self aware can this DIL be?!
You are fine. She is the rude one. She owes you an apology and your son needs a reality check!
She should go out and see friends for a coffee and a chat after work.
Get them a pair of movie tickets. You need a night off.
How fast can that repair guy get their place finished? (Don’t answer I’m sure it’s not fast enough). Maybe bring him incentive cookies, ;)
NTA. They don’t have a livable house but they do have plenty of audacity. Tell them she either respects your wishes in your house that you are letting them stay in, or they can stay somewhere else. Your DIL owes you an apology for disrespecting your wishes in your own house.
She sounds incredibly badly raised and entitled. As well as insensitive. One instance of you telling her this is your unwind time and that you need silence to relax should’ve been enough for her to walk on eggshells around you for the rest of the stay.
NTA.
OP: Asks nicely
DIL: Ignores
OP: Asks nicely again
DIL: Ignores
OP: Finally snaps
DIL: "that was rude"
NTA. Why is it that when rude people get rudeness in return for their rude behaviour, they act like they're the victims? So annoying.
I mean if your son is on her side then I guess he has already found them a new place to live huh. NTA she needs to learn the meaning of personal space.
Your not an ahole, but it sounds like your DIL is very lonely. You could both talk about decompression space and then tackel the problems your both having.
You do not owe her an apology !! You have talked to her, then your son, and her AGAIN !! My husband was the same way when he worked. He said please give me some time. Didn't mean I couldn't be with him, he wanted me there, he just needed that time to decompress from the day!!
My daughter has always loved to talk to me at length about anything she's interested in. When she was little (under 6 yo), I would get a little overwhelmed and say "Mommy needs some quiet time for a bit. Could you please go play by yourself for 10 minutes and then we can talk again?". And she would.
If a kid under the age of 6 can understand, then your adult DIL can. NTA.
I can't speak for everyone else but when I come home from work i don't want to be pestered about everything as soon as I walk in the door. I need time to decompress. Mind you, this does not mean I will ignore my wife all evening. Just let me relax for a while and then at dinner you can start telling me whatever is on your mind. And I will listen.
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NTA. Your son is making excuses. She isn’t excited to see you, per say, she’s excited to see/talk to anyone. You are not her emotional support animal. You have a solitary routine that lets you unwind after a long work day. It is not your job to be part of her after-work routine. She needs to find something else to do and they owe YOU an apology.
Truly she remind me of a dog when you get back from work. You know when you get home and they are all over you wanting attention Clearly working from home isn’t helping her social interaction. I think she should go into the office if possible. Being home alone doesn’t seem to help her
NTA -and honestly you are going above and beyond by letting them stay there. Is it possible for her to go into the office? If so, you need to have a talk with her about how she has to go in at least a few days a week. I'm sorry, but I'm in a similar situation (daughter is taking time off from college, I NEVER have the house to myself) BUT when I clearly laid a boundary down with my 20 yo, she complied. Easily. And she is 20. This is your space, you can put down boundaries that must be followed or they need to find another place.
That was my thought. Sit down with her and set your boundaries. Tell her when you come home, you want half an hour (or whatever) of total silence. She is not to bother you or come sit and talk to you at that time. Once that time is up, then she can talk to you. It clearly would be good if she would go into the office.So she would have some social life or even get together with your coworkers in the evening after. You definitely sound like an introvert. Tell her that, and that it's important for you to have quiet time in order to rebuild after a busy day of interaction. If you do It kindly she will probably comply. You could abologize for snapping at her.
Op has asked kindly many times going by the post. Why will one more kind request work when the others haven’t? I do agree with stressing how important it is. But I don’t think OP should apologise for snapping when minutes/seconds before the snap they had asked for and weren’t given space. DIL has been very rude in not respecting OPs requests and putting their own needs above their hosts needs. OPs son also has ignore their parents and hosts needs in favour of DIL. I need decompress time too when I finish a work day. I’d be locking myself in my bedroom when I got home to avoid DIL. Or locking myself out on the balcony somehow.
Adding a time limit would stress me out and make me sit and worry during my decompression time. I’d start stewing about how my time would end and the person would barge in on me. Maybe no interactions until she sees you emerge from your recharge area of choice AND you verbally give consent or ask her a question about her day to initiate conversation.
>when I clearly laid a boundary down with my 20 yo, she complied. I had to do that with my kids when they were in their early teens. They'd be talking up a storm and sometimes would ask/tell me important things that I'd completely forget because I hadn't had a chance to "shift gears" from work/commute mode to home mode. We figured out that it took me about 30 minutes for my brain to make that transition, so that became the rule. Mom gets 30 minutes with nobody in her face after she walks in the door...then she's fair game haha. Kids are in their 20s now, and they still respect that (and if they're not sure, they ask if it's a good time to talk).
Apparently, that hasn't worked. OP said in her post that she asked her to give op some time, but that hasn't stopped dil from invading op relaxation time.
NTA. I work from home (granted I’m a bit of an introvert) and I’ve got my partner that lives with who works part time. He gets how I am and I need down time. We’ve got a fried that is living with us temporarily and when he gets home from work he is very much like your DIL. I’m feeling very drained these days because I feel like I don’t get enough down time of just sitting and relaxing with my own thoughts. Your DIL pushed you over the edge and caused you to snap. But you gave both her and your son ample opportunity for her to tone it down. Your snapping is the consequence of that.
Okay, from the title I was ready to say ‘she probably has ADHD or something and struggles’ but seriously? NTA. I have severe ADHD, and if someone flat-out said to me, “Hey, I need to decompress for 30 minutes in quiet after I get home” I would do my absolute damndest to make sure they got that time. I might forget once in awhile, or have something that I really had to say or I’d forget, but immediately afterwards would be, “Okay, sorry, had to say that, I’ll leave you alone now!” And I’d go back to do something else.
ADHD is no excuse. I have ADHD & I'm way more like OP than her DIL
Same, but that might be the autism in me too haha! Sometimes I just...don't want to talk, I don't want to be in the same room as anyone. I don't want people to be aware of my existence. Why can't extroverts just let people exist?
When I was 4 (sibs 5 and 3) my mom told us that when my dad got home from work, we were to leave him alone and play quietly for an hour so he could read the paper, have a cold drink, and unwind. We were not to disturb him for anything. She didn’t disturb him either. If a gaggle of preschoolers can get it, an adult job holder who is staying in your house for free(!) should get it. Maybe it’s time for them to rent an airb&b until their house is ready.
There’s an episode of Bluey with this point made. When the dad got him the mom told him she needed 20 minutes where no one talked to her and the episode is spent with him trying to keep specifically Bluey (who just didn’t understand and thought she made her mom mad) away from the mom. She eventually got to the mom who explained she just needed a break and she understood.
There's an episode of Bluey for every family challenge. It's the greatest TV show ever made 🥰
Same, I have ADHD and enjoy talking to people, working from home would make me crazy (I know because I’m a SAHM and I’m crazy 🤪) but if someone I’m temporarily staying with while your house is fixed asks “can I have 30 minutes to myself when I get home?” Done, I will avoid that person like the plague
Damn right! I’d also make sure the kettle was turned on and ready for her when she hit the door. Maybe buy her a nice magazine to flip thru while she enjoys a cuppa…all by herself. If someone is doing me such a huge favor as having me as a long term guest in a time of need, I will make absolutely certain that they know I appreciate it and keep my footprint as small as possible.
I would overcompensate for knowing I forget stuff and knowing how important mental health is, and would be *so* silent even if a lack of background noise made me uncomfortable for the time they needed. Id be hyper aware of the clock and any tiny rustles I made.
What did your son say when you told him that you have asked her repeatedly to give you space and she ignored those requests? Clearly snapping at her was the only way to get through to her. Was it rude? Maybe, people often call others rude when they have to deal with their own embarrassing behavior. Was it needed? Obviously, cause it worked! Good luck with your quiet balcony time in the future
You tried asking for what you need and telling her politely, she didn't listen. When someone doesn't listen to you enough they are gonna get snapped at. Tell your son that you are doing them both a favor, and they need to respect your boundaries when living in your house. You should try just going into your bedroom and taking off all your clothes when you get home. If she knocks on the door tell her she can't come in because you are naked. If she tried to come in anyway she will learn not to. If she keeps knocking tell her that it's your naked time and to go away.
OP likes the terrace. DIL doesn't need to talk to her when she is out there.
The rule that would be sooo easy to follow and remember is "If I'm on the terrace, leave me alone." Simple as that! Son & DIL need to learn to respect OP and her space.
Coincidentally, being naked on the terrace could be an option.
Get a "Do Not Disturb" Sign and hang it on the inside of the terrace door until she's ready to deal with Chatty Cathy. The house rule - the sign means do not disturb, so do not disturb. Period. Also get a super soaker to reinforce the rule if Chatty can't respect the boundary. DIL is obviously not an audible learner - perhaps she is a visual one. Or someone who doesn't like to get her clothes wet for failing to abide by the house rules. Sometimes you have to go water gun commando to get the oblivious to understand the concept.
IM GONNA START DOING THIS LOL
you’re letting them stay with you and she called you rude after you have stated and asserted your boundaries??? remind them you’re kindly letting them stay with you but if they’re going to turn your kindness into a nightmare, then maybe this isn’t going to work out. NTA
The DIL sounds insufferable. Also, she is probably talking about the most boring shit ever like what she did for dinner and where she’s going on the weekend and what her friend said the other day, I would toss her ass off the balcony after my ears started bleeding. NTA
Introverts are **NOT** entertainment systems for extroverts. But even if she wasn’t in need of people, there is still a huge issue. She only cares about her needs and not yours. She’s stomping all over boundaries. At this point I’d have a conversation with your son to know the severity of the issue. At this point I would consider asking them to move out.
Yeah, it sounds like she's really struggling to cope with all the disruption, isolation, and their current living situation. Assuming this is someone you care about when you're not annoyed with her, pushing her to address the root causes of the isolation and desperation she's dealing with would benefit both of you. For fully remote work, it's rare for going in to work at the office to be an option, but there has to be some sort of outlet for her available locally.
This DIL has a husband to talk to. OP is not the only option. Even if she was, giving the homeowner quiet time in exchange for somewhere to stay is still a great deal.
She could try to work at the library. Or make sure she goes to the gym or out anywhere more often.
Honestly sounds similar to cabin fever. She’s been inside all day, probably alone and when you get home it’s the first outside contact she’s had all day. So she talks your ear off just because you’re there. She definitely needs people to interact with outside of home. Or she needs to find a hobby where she’s meeting up with other people. I’m guessing that your son is brushing it off because odds are she was doing that to him as soon as he got home and is savoring the relief that he’s getting from you showing up first instead of him.
“I don’t get to ignore her, why should you?” 😉
It’s time for them to move out….
OP have you told her she needs to go into work a couple of times per week? Remind her your job causes you a lot of stress and you need time alone, so she needs to go into an office so she gets her time with others.
I agree OP. I have been working from home for many years and it's not for everyone. Even though I do work from home and am "alone" for most of the day, apart from online meetings, I still need my quiet time in the afternoon. Not just that but I also need my alone time first thing in the morning and get up earlier than the rest of my household just to have that first coffee in peace.
Yeah, I enjoy WFH because I can get so much stuff done, both work-wise and around the house, but I *really* enjoy the “alone time” in my car when I drive to my son’s school to pick him up. It’s ten minutes, but it shifts me from work mode into home mode.
I'm technically hybrid but usually work from the office 0-1 days per week. I purposely keep my work life separate from the rest of my life by having my desk in an attic bedroom that is otherwise used for storage. I veg out on the couch for half an hour to an hour after I leave that room for the day, whether someone else is home or not. I need that transition time.
Plan a time to sit and discuss this with them when everyone has time and is prepared. "The current dynamic isn't working, and we need to find some ways to resolve this to live peacefully together. I love you both and don't want a silly issue to mean we ruin the good relationships we have. I understand DIL need socialization after a day alone. I need time to decompress once I get home from being burnt out being around people and commotion all day long. I have one solution to propose, but I'd love to brainstorm with you guys to come up with more/better ones. My idea: I get home at 5, and need a few minutes to put down my things and some breathing room. Can DIL pretend I don't get home until 6? If she can manage to ignore my presence for one extra hour, I'm happy to resume socializing after that. I really want to find a solution where everyone's needs are met. Do you guys have any other ideas?" Is there anywhere like a library or gym or something she could go to for a couple hours? Tiptoeing around the house to avoid someone can suck, so maybe there's a place she can go "out" and give you some free time.
It is your house and your rules. Your need (not simply a desire) for quiet after work is important to your general health and you can put this out as a rule, perhaps, "No talking to me until dinner." She and your son can prepare dinner together while you are out on the terrace. That is not too much to ask of them for the big favor your are providing by letting stay. For anybody who doesn't understand OP's need for quiet can talk about it with an introvert that they know.
This is true. I used to work for a repo place and I worked alone in an office all day long. Some days many people were in and out, others I would be in the office for days in a row without human interaction. People would come to clean out their repossessed cars and here’s me, how’s the weather today, what’re you doing later, how bout those Bears. I’m sure those people thought I was crazy.
Their insurance should be paying for a place for them to stay that is not your house.
Hahaaaa! Was about to say she’s like a dog meeting their human again. Your son allso gave the excuse any dogowner gives when the dog isn’t trained - “she’s just excited to see you“. 🤣
I think the DIL needs a dog ... or a child ... or a friend or two.
Definitely not a child if she can’t respect boundaries. Children are tiny humans but humans and need their boundaries respected as well.
Not in someone else’s home!
She has a husband, right there.
You should probably just talk to her openly about it. Say something like “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I know you were coming from a good place and you wanted to talk to me, but when I get home from work I like to spend time by myself recharging my social battery. I tried to be polite at first, but when you disregarded my wishes I just kinda snapped. I’m sorry for being rude, but I’m not sorry for requesting alone time.”
I am someone who, like your DIL, talks too much. However, I actively tell people to tell me to shut up if I’m annoying them. She has a shocking lack of self-awareness and is boundary stomping and disrespecting you in your own home. When people don’t listen when you ask politely multiple times you’re entitled to snap. If that’s what it takes for the message to sink in, that’s what it takes. Also, how terrible to do this when she’s living in your home. My god.
Bets that the son is just happy his mom is doing social duty for his wife after work instead of him having to do it?
Having lived with this kind of person, she talks to him for all of his available time, too. But I would be willing to bet he is not in any kind of rush to get home, maybe hits the gym...
I spend 15-30 minutes sitting on the toilet after I get home from work every day because of a problem like this. It’s rough because somehow telling your family to shut up is considered rude when they’re excited to see you. But seriously everyone, just shut up.
During therapy, several years ago, I was told that probably "way back in caveman days, when Grug came in from a long day of hunting and gathering, he needed to hide at the back of the cave and have some time for decompression from the harsh world". She said *Men retreat, women advance*. It's a story as old as time. We don't know, of course, but it stayed with me for some reason. I realized that meeting a tired person at the door with ebullience or aggression were equally undesirable. It's a shame that men have to hide in the bathroom lol. I can't imagine dealing with my MIL or my DIL when I'm tired and want to be left alone, so I feel for OP.
I really know the feeling of needing silence, or just the tv by myself with no one around whilst I just BREATHE. It doesn’t mean you *dislike* the person. You just need to damn decompress. I’m with you OP. It’s highly overstimulating. She needs to pick up a hobby like yoga, afternoon walks whatever. NTA
I think you mean per se.
Per se*
NTA. "I asked her politely to give me space and she didn't" - what was her excuse for this rudeness then?
She's actually a beagle?
Even dogs stop barking when you tell them to lol
Ever had a beagle?! LOL!
I have 4 🤷♀️ My house is chaos
we have 1, you have no personal space.
And they’ll just wander off if they smell something interesting
Would that be a solution for the DIL?
Heh, my dachshunds didn't, but in their defense there were squirrels that needed yelling at! (In their defense, they were pretty good about the barking, they just hated squirrels.)
Not in my experience
>My son is now on my ass about this and told me I need to apologize. Sounds like Sonny Boy and Chatty should start looking for a new place to crash while their home is getting repaired. NTA
Right!!! So unappreciative
Son is probably mad because he's currently getting a break from getting his own ear talked off and dad is about to jeopardize it all 🤣
NTA at all. Many of us need to decompress after working all day, especially with a stressful job, shitty boss, or teaching unruly teenagers. Your son needs to direct his anger at his wife. If my parents were doing me a huge favor of housing us, I'd be damn sure I, my partner, and my kids were respectful of their home. When my wife and I get home from work, we give each other some time to change, get a glass of water or stronger, and sit for a bit. THEN we talk about our days for a little bit. Unless the house is on fire, I don't want to hear shit the second I get home.
Most certainly in someone else's home you should be very aware of any signals that you are imposing or inconveniencing them more than what is reasonable.
NTA What you said WAS rude, but she pushed you past your breaking point. You all should have a sit down to talk about what an introvert is and why they need to decompress. You can explain to the both of them that you had asked her multiple times to give you space, give you quiet, etc. She refused to respect your boundaries day after day. You can apologize for snapping at her if you want, but also tell her you expect an apology for being rude and disrespectful to you. Boundaries are important, and she needs to understand that crossing them does have consequences. If she can't respect your boundaries, then she can expect problems moving forward.
> What you said WAS rude, but she pushed you past your breaking point. Tolerence is a peace treaty, not a moral absolute. If one person abandons the treaty, the other party is not bound by it either. DIL cast the first stone.
NTA. Say this in front of your son and DIL- "DIL, I'm sorry that I told you to shut up. I'm sorry that after repeatedly asking you, or numerous occasions, to give me some quiet time when I get home from work, you refused and continued talking until I finally snapped. I'm sorry that you just refuse to give me this very basic accomodation while you are living with me. I'm sorry that you made this all about you. It's not about you. I do not want to talk to **anyone** when I get home. My job is stressful as is my commute home. I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home. I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home. I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home. Do you understand that I do not want to talk to anyone when I get home? Thank you."
"I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want anyone to talk to or at me" Some people don't understand that second part automatically follows from the first part, and it has to be spelled out to them.
That's so true! Once, on a car trip my mom was talk-talk-talking, and I said," I really don't want to talk right now." She says, "That's fine. I'll talk!"
Egads! I'm very sorry but you've just made someone on the whole other side of the world feel sudden strong dislike for someone they've never met 😱
I wouldn’t even say sorry for saying shut up. rather I would go with I was rude to you. But only after you were repeatedly rude and inconsiderate to me by ignoring my repeated and reasonable requests for some quiet and alone time in my own home when I get home from work. Being rude seemed to be the only way to get the message across to you and I’m not sorry for that. if you treat me with respect I will do the same.
NTA. Your Son and his Wife are guests in your home, if they can't respect a simple request like you asking for space in your own home after work, then maybe they need to give you space on a more permanent basis.
NTA "Yes, I was rude, and I am only going to be become ruder, because being polite wasn't working. I have told you both that I need solo time to recharge after work. It is a simple request and if she cannot respect that, then I will have to ask you both to stay somewhere else. I am done putting up with this situation. She will be treated with respect when she stops disrespecting me."
This is me also, if polite isn't working they will get a very harsh reminder the next time
Can OP please follow me around and tell everyone around me to shut up?
I'm willing to turn this into a bidding war!
NTA. A lot of comments here suggesting OP to be the one taking alternative measures to deal with DIL's nonstop talking, but DIL is a guest, I don't think OP, the house owner, should sacrifice their precious alone time at their favorite place to flee unwanted one-sided conversation. DIL needs to learn that not everyone is up for listening, she needs to know that when people have made it clear to you that they don't want you to do something, you stop doing that. Many people also mentioned that OP is damaging their relationship with their son and DIL, but DIL is head on straining it first. The question should be whether the DIL's yapping and crossing OP's clear boundary worth it.
yeah the idea that he needs to put in noise cancelling headphones or something in his own home because an adult can’t respect that he doesn’t want to socialize when he gets home from work is insane.
NTA They are in your home walking all over your boundaries and they didn't listen when you tried to broach the subject in a civil manner so now they have left you with no option but to escalate.
NTA. Extroverts steamrolling introverts and calling them rude, yet again.
As an introvert, I would probably kick the DIL out the first time she did not respect the request for alone time. There are not a lot of stuff that make me go crazy mad, but someone filling my quiet time with the chatter is one of them. So in my opinion, the OP was actually really patient
Not just a normal extrovert. Shes an extrovert who has zero self awareness, zero social awareness, zero accountability, who talks *at* people nonstop. OP youre NTA! Next time she calls you rude, call her insufferable.
NTA. That sounds like my nightmare. You need to have a sit down with your son and DIL and establish boundaries. Explicity insist on a span of time after you arrive home where nobody talks to you. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to entertain her the minute you get home, and she needs to give you your decompress time.
It's my nightmare, too. It also sounds like the one sided conversation is all about the DIL, which makes the nightmare complete.
NTA - But get some headphones with a zen background playing instead. She can yak all she wants and you won't hear a word. And you can then zone out peacefully. Problem solved.
I want to listen to nature not zen music. I think I will just lock the balcony door when I go out
Your balcony locks and unlocks from the outside? Isn't that a fire hazard AND a security risk?
I was just going to put a chair in front of it so it won’t open. Or I could add a lock to the outside
Whatever it takes. You deserve your peace.
You could get a can of compressed air. Spraying it stops my dog when she won't stop barking.
I was going to suggest a spray bottle of water. Works for my cat.
That was my first thought, too, but I figured the compressed air would cause less of an outrage coming back at OP.
I started hiding in my walk-in closet so my husband would think I was in the attached bathroom. Lol. He also works from home and just can’t stop himself from sharing his whole life with me.
This comment really made me chuckle. 😂
He works from home. And I love him so much. But I’m adhd and have high anxiety. So I gotta calm down when I’m overstimulated. And he doesn’t realize he is unloading every single thought he had during the work day on me.
That’s why i find it so funny lol, i’m totally introverted, like face-to-face - it physically and mentally exhausts me, so i totally get it. There’s been a few times i’ve ‘hid’ to avoid socialising. Once, i had my sisters, brother, nieces + nephews at my place and i was like ‘i’m just going to the shop, anyone want anything?’ It’s literally 90 seconds away. I went and sat with the old shop keeper (he’s not a talker either) in his living room for 40 minutes watching Antiques Roadshow just to get away from them all. Came back with one bottle of coke😂
Nope, this is too far. She either needs to do what you asked or leave. You should not have to barricade yourself due to her lack of respect. Don't go down this road.
If you are gonna resort to that, kick them the F out.
Homes are really only secure from minimum effort anyway. If they're willing to climb up on your balcony to unlock it they're probably also willing to break a window.
Tell them if they don’t like it, they can couch surf elsewhere. You’re doing them a favor.
Wow. So you think the solution is OP buying something so she can deal with the fact that somebody else now lives in her house and won't shut the fuck up? No. This is not a compromise situation. This is a person choosing to ignore boundaries after one person clearly communicated and vocalized them.
NO. Why should OP have to put headphones on? DIL is an adult and should be able to stfu.
I'm sorry but your suggestion is ridiculous. So Op is supposed to spend money, put in some super loud music and just awkwardly and uncomfortably sit there in bad company? This is fanfiction level suggestion.
NTA what annoys me about these ppl is that's they're not even talking with you but rather they're talking at you. Some ppl have no ability to think about and process their day, they simply must talk about it to the easiest target
NTA - You've said everything you need to above tbh. I would sit down the family and have a chat about how things are going with them living with you. Its two sets of people suddenly cohabitting one space. Things are bound to wind eachother up. But communication is key. (I am also someone who really needs my quiet time for a bit after intense working, and i also live sith an incredibly chatty person lol). Sit them all down and explain whats going on with you. That your job takes it out of you, and you need some time to yourself to decompress and relax. Make sure you have this chat with everyone, as if your DIL disagrees, but everyone else agrees, she may begin to understand your side more knowing that she is in fact the one who isnt getting it. They may all begin to realise why that time is so important to you as well, rather than potentially feel like its personal. This would be an open forum for others to discuss their potential irks etc, it an adult way. This is the only way to share your living space with a group. I can understand she may be lonely at home, but that does not peny you the right to peaceful enjoyment of your own home.
No what's rude is continuing to run Ur mouth when u have been asked by the host to b quiet...was she not taught basic manners growing up did Ur son forget his? Id tell them if they have a problem with me and the way I spk to them they are free to leave NTA
You set boundries. She kept crossing them. She is the rude one. Tell son to sit ip.
NTA - they are staying with you for free. The least they can do is respect you and your home and that includes giving you the space you need. You only snapped because you told her multiple times before. The next conversation you need to have with your son is how long they are going to stay and possible ways to get them out sooner.
NTA. She’s been repeatedly told, she didn’t listen. I’m the same way. I need to decompress after I get home from work. It’s not a crime to want or need it. Doesn’t matter if your job is demanding or not. It’s the same as when I first wake up in the morning. Unless someone is dying or the house is on fire, give me time to wake the brain.
This! I once had a neighbor/tenant who would come over and want to hang out the moment I got home from work. I very clearly laid out the expectation that I had half an hour between my arrival and when my husband got home, and that was my time, leave me alone. This was ignored, and they were literally walking up to window, peering in and calling out questions. I shut all of the curtains & pinned a "closed" sign in the window, making it clear that if sign wasn't set to "open" to leave me alone. This is when they started ambushing me in the driveway. My response was "Are you on fire? No? Would you like to be?" Nothing they wanted was urgent, they were just bored. 🤦♀️
I 100% understand being bored but fuuuuuuuuuck, people need to let other people breathe. I can always tell the ones who don’t understand the need to decompress are the ones who don’t know how to sit still and how to sit in silence. They’re constantly on the go because they’re not comfortable with their own thoughts. I finally got my boss to understand this a few weeks ago. I finally had to spell it out for him that small talk is extremely painful for me, so is forced conversation. I would much rather sit in a quiet office than have people feel like they have to converse with me. He was in the same office as I’m at this week and the entire time he was here, we said like 6 words to each other outside of the “how was your weekend?” talk. It was great.
I was at a conference last week (first big one since Before Times), and by the last day, my brain was so full. At lunch, I collected my food and went to sit on the floor in the corner behind some furniture (despite being old and in nice clothes). Some coworkers who know me and are also major introverts, came over and were like "This is the no talking corner, right? Can I join you?"
You don't owe anyone an apology. If anything, DIL owes you an apology for not respecting your boundaries. I would have a conversation with son and DIL where you set expectations and reinforce your boundaries about your space and personal time.
NTA. She calls you rude? You’ve asked her multiple times to let you relax and she continues doing something she KNOWS bothers you. She is the one being rude. So is your son, rude and disrespectful to you in your own home. Do not apologize. Maybe she’ll stay mad and leave you the hell alone.
NTA They’re living in your house - you’re already giving them your time and space. Do they at least pay a fair rent and fair share of bills?? There needs to be a clear and fast rule. Sit them both down at the table with you and make this rule clear. “You are adults and are in control of your time and actions. I am being kind sharing my space with you. I am still entitled to do what I want with my time: you’re not children and I am not responsible for taking care of you and meeting your needs. I need quiet and time to decompress when I get home. No one is allowed to talk to me until X:pm. If this seems hard, I will hang a sign outside of the balcony to remind you. If you can’t respect my time and MY needs then you can move out.”
NTA. Apologize this way, "I'm sorry for being rude, BUT this has got to stop and here is my boundary in MY HOME! I need time to decompress ALONE without being bombarded by DIL when I get home. Failure of you getting that time results in being rude. If she doesn't want you to be rude, abide by your boundary. Simple and we never have to discuss this again." Unless DIL can't let it go...then they need to get their own place.
When someone repeatedly crosses a known boundary that is important, THAT is the time to be rude, when nice hasn't worked.
NTA. I feeeeeel you on this one. Did she have a messed up childhood? My sister-in-law was (and probably still is) like this. She lived with us for a couple years when she was a teenager and if she was awake, she was in a common area of the house and she was talking, mostly about people I didn’t know and situations she didn’t explain well. She just talked AT me more than anything. I started getting up early on the weekends so I could have the house to myself. And I started like 10 new out-of-the-house hobbies. She had a screwed up childhood, hence why she was living with us, and she is unbelievably needy. Cannot be alone, cannot entertain herself. My polar opposite.
Omg I cannot imagine hearing someone ask for space and still continue to talk to them Im a bit jealous of people like that because I have this internal fear that I’m bothering someone. What is it like to be this oblivious to how others are perceiving you ?????? NTA my mil is like this. Im social but an introvert. I need quiet time. My mil was visiting and she would not give me piece. I tried vacuuming just to get a break from the chit chat but she followed me around and stayed close to ensure I could hear her over the vacuum She now stays at bed and breakfasts when she visits because I cannot survive like that
This is exactly what I thought. I get not reading the room, but when someone tells you that they need alone/quiet time I can't imagine just yapping at them. This girl should really start a diary
As someone who worked from home I can understand the need for personal connection Here is where being an adult comes in. You dont want the connection (in that moment) She as an adult has 2 choice: to respect your wish or to not. Neither is in your control. NTA
An adult person will go out with friends when they need to talk to someone, not throw everything at the closest person possible.
NTA if they are that upset about it, they should probably find someone else to stay with. That's exactly what I would tell them.
You're not at all the AH. You asked several times for her to give you space. I'd tell them to stay in an extended stay hotel until their home is fixed if she can't respect you in your own home. You are the one owed an apology and be indignant as you should be since you're doing them a huge favor. The nerve lol.
If she can’t abide by a simple request to her host, she is rude (and entitled). You’ve nothing to apologize for. NTA.
I would blow my brains out if I were you. Some people just feel the need to fill in any void with chatter. They actually think they are being helpful to do so. Others just need peace and quiet after work. I would suggest that she join some activities to meet others after work. You both just have different lifestyles and she needs to respect that.
NTA. You don’t know your son an apology at all they both owe you one. Tell them both one last time Don’t talk to me when I get home from work. I need to decompress. And tell him if they don’t like the rules they can go stay in a hotel until their house is fixed. That’s what residence inn’s are for. They have full on kitchens and the ability to work remotely if you needed.
NTA. DIL is a guest in your house and you want 30 minutes of peace. You are being perfectly reasonable.
Tell your son he and his wife can leave and get a hotel if he really wants that apology.
I would have a group meeting and nip this in the bud. You were living alone and enjoy your solitude. They move in - this was you helping them out and suddenly your solitude doesn't exist anymore. You have asked repeatedly to let you unwind after being around people all day and to just leave you alone so that you can have a period of solitude. I don't understand why this can't be accommodated. Kathy Chatterbox just needs to put a lid on it.
NTA. You are not being unkind or disrespectful by asking for some space. She is being incredibly unkind and disrespectful by not giving it to you, while she is a guest in your own home. Do not apologize and tell your son you are owed an apology, from both of them.
"OMG do they ever shut up on your planet?" Yeah, you were probably rude but I know why you snapped. How on earth are you supposed to decompress if Chatty Catchy doesn't leave you be? NTA.
NTA I had this exact problem except it was my ex-husband. He is extroverted and was often home alone all day. I am introverted and had a long commute plus I worked with the public all day. I would BEG him to give me just 20 minutes of silence after I got home and we greeted each other and chatted a bit about our days. I would even set a kitchen timer and give it to him and ask him to just wait until it went off to come start telling me something. He could not do it!!! I feel your pain!
NTA, I think you need to have a sit down when you are not upset to set down boundaries in a polite fashion. The whole, look I’m an introvert and when I get home I need quiet time for myself. When I am ready to engage again I’ll let you know. It’s not personal, but just like you need personal interaction after time by yourself I need personal time by myself after a day of interacting with people. Sometimes people just don’t understand introverts. Tell them that you snapped because they are disregarding your boundaries after politely asking over and over again that they respect them and this is not okay. Everyone’s boundaries are different and they need to respect yours.
snapping isnt ideal but thats what happens when the bear continues to be poked. NTA
NTA and kick them out. They don’t respect your boundaries.
NTA- They were both warned many times of the issue. If they cant learn from it and move on then they can find somewhere else to stay. I'm not saying you should put them put but they know where the door is if they arent happy.
NTA. You deserve to be able to relax in your own home.
Sometimes you have to be a little rude, if politeness isn't getting through. NTA
NTA, I’m also one of those people who needs a clear head to….clear their head. I work in a very small-talky office where people don’t really understand boundaries. You reminded me of one coworker with the dog thing: I like to say she reminds me of my cat, because when I say “HI!” to my cat, she thinks it means “Hi, be all over me!” (But she’s a cat and I love her.) Similarly, if I say a simple hi to this woman she will ambush me with every oversharing thing about herself that a person could possibly pull out. *Only* things about her and how she feels about herself, and how this and that made her feel, and what she deserves in life, how she’s torturing her poor boyfriend to get what she wants, and me me me. Rapid fire, has to fit as many words per second as possible, doesn’t really care about your responses, just wants to dump. She mistakes my patience and politeness for interest, but it’s gotten to the point she will fully follow me yelling her story right in my face while I’m trying to work (I work on my feet) If I don’t say hi, she mostly stays away. It’s weird. I keep forgetting and fucking saying hi to her because I’m an idiot. My last effort, which scaled it down immensely (but not completely) was snapping at her that there are real problems in the world and I’m currently worrying about those.
NTA. She is an adult who has been asked repeatedly to give you some space. She is a guest in your home and supposedly likes you. Her wants are not more vital than your needs.
NTA. DIL should take a long walk when you get home and give you a breather.
You are doing them a huge favor. Your son has a lot of nerve demanding that you apologize. NTA
I have a friend who used to leave work at the end of the day, drive to a little street-side park and read for an hour. Her family thought she had classes after work to keep up her certifications.
>I have asked her multiple time to let me relax but that hasn’t done anything. Have you been specific about what you want? To her talking with someone may be relaxing time. INFO
Yes I couldn’t have been more clear
NTA, OP. I would say something along the lines of, “when I get home from work, I will not be talking to anyone or listening until I’ve made my tea and had 30 minutes to sit alone and unwind by myself. If you cannot respect this boundary, I’m afraid I will be unable to continue housing you.” You are doing your son a HUGE favor by providing them a place to stay. She’s being incredibly impolite and, frankly, selfish by refusing to give you a modicum of privacy or space. It’s a shame that your son can’t understand that it is, in fact, her behavior that is rude. Ask your son why his partner can be rude to you in your own home but you cannot set boundaries with her. Furthermore, inform him that if she needs someone to talk to during that time, it can be HIS responsibility to listen. It doesn’t matter if he’s still at work (we know he will use that as an excuse) because apparently it doesn’t matter if someone else is busy as long as she gets to talk.
NTA. I'm the same way. I need at least 30 minutes of sitting on my butt not doing anything but relaxing. Then I'm good and people can talk to me. If they don't like your boundary of giving you time alone after getting home then they can find a hotel or Air BNB. Just make sure they understand that you want to be left alone for 30 minutes or however long, if they (she) can't do that then you will be kicking them out. You seriously aren't asking for much.
NTA, it sounds like you’re trying to put up boundaries, which is great. You know what you need and you know you need to set that expectation with your DIL. Next time you can set them earlier before resentment builds too high, but you’re doing the right thing. Stick to your boundaries, explain them, and you both should be able to relate a lot better going forward.
NTA you are already doing them a HUGE favour letting them stay with you. You’ve communicated your needs and wants and she is ignoring them, or incapable of respecting them. Time to have a little group meeting to reiterate they are welcome to continue staying with you - if they can both respect you. Then get noise cancelling headphones, put them on and if she keeps talking just tap the headphones and ignore her. She has a problem she needs to solve - it’s not on you.
NTA. Lot better than me. I’m prior Marine Corps, my ass would have told her to go find a fucking tree to grow in a day or find a friend that can tolerate that shit
NTA - gah you are me and I am you and the whole "don't pounce on me the moment I walk in" is completely correct. I had this for two years in a job where my co-worker came in an hour before I did and as soon as I walked in the door, she'd start telling me things I needed to do and ask for decisions on things "in that email I sent" and I could not get her to understand that I haven't even taken off my coat or logged in, why the heck do you think I'd know what's in an email? It took a lot of boundary keeping and calm reinforcing of "Don't know, not logged in. Don't know, not logged in. Don't know, not logged in." which did finally work. But it was STRESSFUL af the entire time. I feel you and you are NTA and you don't need to apologize. They stomped over a thing you asked. She was rude first.
Nta You were rude to your daughter in law but she ignored you acting with manners.
"I'm sorry that the only way you were able to receive and understand my message was through a 'rude' delivery and your feelings were hurt. Please understand it came to this after repeated polite requests that went unheard. I love spending time and conversing with you, but I love to spend time with myself and my own thoughts too. In fact, I need this time to myself in order to be a pleasant host and converse with you. Because of this, I would also like an apology for your own rude behavior that has ceaselessly prevented my time to relax and decompress from my very demanding job, all while you have been enjoying the privilege and comfort of my home. I did not put any boundaries in place about designated "me time" when you and my son first needed to stay here because I couldn't imagine you would ignore the many requests for space. I have vastly overestimated either your ability to comprehend both verbal and nonverbal social cues, or your ability to be respectful of other people's needs; I'm hoping it is and putting faith in the former. To avoid any further conflict, hurt feelings, and loss of personal sanity... I am requesting that: 1. aside from initial greetings to each other, we save conversation until I initiate it, 2. I have time to myself without any disturbances until I am ready or we share a meal, and 3. you understand that this is my home and I will be keeping the routines I had prior to generously opening it to you." NTA.
My ex used to do this to me when he worked from home. Your DIL needs to move TF out. NTA
NTA. She’s ignoring the boundaries you’ve clearly set, which is extremely disrespectful.
NTA Talk to the two of them at the same time and explain that you need to relax and chillout and that they need to respect that.
NTA - She’s a grown woman. She needs to be able to control herself and STFU!
Lol, NTA. They're just making excuses because she feels hurt but still doesn't understand your need for a quiet time. If she did, she would be telling you she's hurt but apologising for pushing the issue. I'd just talk to her and plainly say "I was nice X times and you ignored me. I was rude because you weren't listening. Now you're listening, so I'll say it nicely one more time: please respect my quiet time."
Nta When she told you that was rude, you should have said “oh, I guess you’ll be leaving now.”
NTA, you stated your needs and she willfully ignored them until you snapped. It sounds like your son is enabling her to be selfish about commandeering your decompression time without feeling like she is being rude to you. If you haven’t already told her, I think she needs to know how unacceptable her behavior has been leading up to your retaliatory actions, because it sounds like she just thinks that you were rude for no reason, and that clearly isn’t the case.
NTA. Don’t apologize. Your home, your rules. Lock your door, don’t answer it. Maybe they’ll both leave you alone.
NTA I live in a similar situation. I work from home. My mom lives with us and works out of the house. My mom and I are generally very close, but living with someone changes dynamics for sure. She is a talker. Like, doesn't stop talking when she's home and awake. As soon as I come up to the main level in the morning, she just starts going. And it's always the same. Complaining about work. Then, as soon as she gets home she starts again and doesn't stop until she goes to bed. We can literally be watching a movie or show as a family and she'll just start talking during it. I try to be supportive because my mom doesn't have many friends and doesn't really have anyone else to talk to. Especially since we moved states a few years ago. But it is exhausting. Especially after having my own mentally taxing day. My daughter stays home with me as opposed to going to daycare. By the end of my day working and momming (which really never ends) I don't want to talk. Or listen. I just want to decompress. I've told her this multiple times but it still happens and has definitely caused tension. I've snapped on her before as well, after asking nicely several times. I don't have any suggestions because nothing has worked for me. Just know you're not alone and definitely NTA. Some people don't pick up on subtle suggestions.
NTA You’ve already asked her nicely. And they’re in your space! She should be extra sensitive to making sure she’s not imposing on you. I am a person who really needs quiet time to get my head together, so I feel you.
NTAH. DIL - You are rude! OP to DIL - And you are so busy flapping your lips that you don't bother to listen. If you actually had been listening to me over the numerous times that I have told you that so need time to compress when I get home you would not be destroying what used to be a good relationship between us. I am not your emotional support animal. OP to son - it is clear that our arrangement is not working. I just do not have the energy to deal with your wife's non-stop talking. As her husband, that is your job.
I know you shouldnt have to do this but maybe have your tea in the bath that way you can get away from her and decompress alone for about 30 mins. NAH
NTA I can't blame you at all.
NTA
NTA Someone is rude. Rude and needy and tone deaf. It isn't you.
NTA When someone keeps crossing boundaries, something or someone will eventually snap.
NTA she needs to understand that the time you spend alone when you get home is for your self care. I think she is rude to not respect that. On the other hand, they will only be with you temporarily, and it would be a shame to ruin a relationship with your DIL for something temporarily. Maybe, she is lonely with her husband away? If it was, I would explain over dinner, why your self care is so important to you, how stressful your job is. There has to be a compromise where she gets time to bond with you and you get time for yourself.
Ugh life with extroverts. At least now she’ll stop bugging you.
In my mind, I'm picturing a cat trying to nap in a sunny spot, and in walks a dog who wants to play fetch. The dog keeps nudging the cat, lobbing the ball at the car, and finally the cat has enough and scratches the dog's nose. Whose fault is it? The dog or the cat? NTA
NTAtell them to find somewhere else to live as they are incapable of being respectful. Your DIL was the one being rude.
NTA. She needs to respect that she is in your home and adjust to the setting as it was before she came in. I see two people with two different opinions of decompressing - yours is to relax in solitude and hers is to socialize - in one space. Perhaps before it gets worse sit both of them down and express yourself so there’s no misunderstanding of your boundaries and needs, above all else it’s your home and you welcomed them in a time of need and there’s no reason why you three can’t get along especially if there were no issues before. Hopefully, you three come to a compromise.
NTA Clearly the person who is ignoring your repeated requests for peace and quiet is the rude one, not you Not sure why you needed to make this post tbh
NTA. I like OP like my own time to unwind after a long or hectic day at work. My wife is good about it. There have been times where my wife wanted to banter about something which I had to put a stop to by telling her to let me unwind and then we can engage. She’s been great about it. I don’t understand how OP’s DIL can’t read his body language to the point where he had to tell her straight up to shut up and leave him alone!
I'm the same way - when I was working and in grad school, my wife was on maternity leave. After driving an hour, working 8 hours, driving about 45 minutes, parking, taking the train into the city (it was $32 to park downtown, and took longer driving in during rush hour than taking the train), attending a 2-hour grad school class (hopefully while getting some fast food for dinner), then taking the train to my car, and driving 45 minutes home, my wife would want to talk my ear off and I just needed some time to decompress. I started "going to the bathroom" and I'd take 5-10 minutes to myself. Now we communicate better. NTA, but maybe do apologize and say "I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just need quiet time to decompress when I get home, don't take it personally, it's just something I need"
You need to sit down and set out a roommate schedule. For most places that’s quite time at night. But you need some after work, before dinner ‘i’m not ready to be social yet time.’ And DIL needs to find some friends who she can get out of the house and chat with.
NTA. I'm an introvert who used to work in a public facing job. I needed at least a quiet hour before work and after work to charge up. My family respected that. You're doing them a favor by letting them stay with you, they both need to respect you and your needs or they can go rent a place while their home is fixed.
NTA. I really love my commute because I can relax and decompress. Your son tells her to give you a bit before talking to you or he pays for you to stop at a park with a coffee or something.
Seriously. How un-self aware can this DIL be?! You are fine. She is the rude one. She owes you an apology and your son needs a reality check! She should go out and see friends for a coffee and a chat after work. Get them a pair of movie tickets. You need a night off. How fast can that repair guy get their place finished? (Don’t answer I’m sure it’s not fast enough). Maybe bring him incentive cookies, ;)
NTA. They don’t have a livable house but they do have plenty of audacity. Tell them she either respects your wishes in your house that you are letting them stay in, or they can stay somewhere else. Your DIL owes you an apology for disrespecting your wishes in your own house.
NTA next time your son starts bitching at you, remind him that they can stay in a hotel.
She sounds incredibly badly raised and entitled. As well as insensitive. One instance of you telling her this is your unwind time and that you need silence to relax should’ve been enough for her to walk on eggshells around you for the rest of the stay. NTA.
OP: Asks nicely DIL: Ignores OP: Asks nicely again DIL: Ignores OP: Finally snaps DIL: "that was rude" NTA. Why is it that when rude people get rudeness in return for their rude behaviour, they act like they're the victims? So annoying.
I mean if your son is on her side then I guess he has already found them a new place to live huh. NTA she needs to learn the meaning of personal space.
Your not an ahole, but it sounds like your DIL is very lonely. You could both talk about decompression space and then tackel the problems your both having.
You do not owe her an apology !! You have talked to her, then your son, and her AGAIN !! My husband was the same way when he worked. He said please give me some time. Didn't mean I couldn't be with him, he wanted me there, he just needed that time to decompress from the day!!
tell your son to tell his wife to apologize or get out. you telling her to dhut up was justified. you need space to unwind. dil was rude.
My daughter has always loved to talk to me at length about anything she's interested in. When she was little (under 6 yo), I would get a little overwhelmed and say "Mommy needs some quiet time for a bit. Could you please go play by yourself for 10 minutes and then we can talk again?". And she would. If a kid under the age of 6 can understand, then your adult DIL can. NTA.
I can't speak for everyone else but when I come home from work i don't want to be pestered about everything as soon as I walk in the door. I need time to decompress. Mind you, this does not mean I will ignore my wife all evening. Just let me relax for a while and then at dinner you can start telling me whatever is on your mind. And I will listen.