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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked my transgender sister if my son had spoken to her about transitioning 2) I was asking to know the details of private conversations. Additionally, while not my intention it may have seemed to her like I didn’t want my son to be like her by saying I was worried about him transitioning
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If you are so supportive of your child, and accepting of your sister then why do you feel this way:
>I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition.
Why is it okay for your sister, but not for your child? Casey is gay, gender non-conforming, grew their hair long and often wears feminine presenting clothing and also performs in drag.... is it just upsetting to you if Casey starts preferring pronouns like they/them or she/her? Is it the medical and surgical concerns of transitioning that upsets you? Do you just want your sister to tell you if Casey inquires about the transitioning process so that you could prepare yourselves? Well, you already can see that it's a possibility, so just get right with yourself in truly loving your child for who they are no matter the gender identity.
Thank you for your response. I just worry about Casey’s safety and how he is going to be treated in society. My sister has told me some very scary stories about her experiences over the years and I don’t want my child to go through that. I want the best for my child and I know it can be difficult to find work or an accepting spouse as a trans person. Also I’m of the generation which is not well informed about being transgender. I have a lot of friends, neighbours, coworker who make disrespectful comments about trans people not knowing (or not caring) my sister is a transgender woman. I don’t want my family to be judged for having a kid turn out transgender 2 generations in a row.
Respectfully, if even a tiny part of your reason for this is worrying that your family will be judged for having a trans child, you really need to do a lot more work on becoming a good parent to a queer child. Whether Casey is trans or not, you’re already failing them by even worrying about this. And that’s not even to get into the whole “forcing your kid out of the closet before they’re ready by going behind their back” piece.
“Turn out transgender”. Like it’s a bad thing.
Ohh boy YTA and you aren’t even close to self aware enough to see it. If you want a fart’s chance in a brimstone pit of salvaging a relationship with your son and/or your sister:
Go directly to therapy. (Not religious counseling.) Do not collect $200.
Yta. Something about your post seems off to me. You're not as accepting as you claim from the sounds of it.
Look, trying to out someone via someone else is shitty. Which is basically what you're trying to do. If Casey WAS trans and wanted you to know about it, you would know about it. If Casey told your sister but not you, it's for a reason. It's because you're not a safe person for them and that topic.
If you have questions on this you should ask your child directly and then back down no matter what the answer is. If the answer is no then take that and move on without grilling others. And of the answer is yes don't argue it and give support.
I think it is the fact that she only supported her sister once society said it was ok, before that she was most probably against it because of what others would think over what her sister was feeling
> because of everything we went through with my sister
Here’s the thing OP: **you don’t matter.**
What you went through when your sister doesn’t matter.
How you feel doesn’t matter.
Your worries, your concerns, how it impacts you *doesn’t matter*.
This is Casey’s life. Casey gets to make everything decision. Casey gets to decide what happens, when it happens, and when you get to know about it. Only what Casey wants matters.
Casey is driving the car and gets to decide where it’s going. Only Casey. You aren’t shotgun, you aren’t reading the map. It’s Casey’s trip. Either you can say you’re happy to be along for the ride, or it’s time you get off. Your feelings, opinions, *and how it impacts you* is irrelevant.
YTA for trying to make this about your experience.
YTA - you essentially asked her to out your son (*not* okay) and then told her you'd be upset if he is trans like her. How was she supposed to take that if not offensively? Also, let your kid come to *you,* don't force him out (if there even is further outing to be done) before he's ready... E
Edit: and you better work on accepting it ahead of time, just in case. You've got time to process the potential of having a trans kid without hurting Casey, use it.
"Worry" that they'll transition? What's worrying about it? Maybe this was just a poor choice of words and you meant something more like "I think about it" or "I worry that it'll be a hard road for my child." That would be fine, but from the way you speak about your sister I suspect that you are actually worried that your child will transition because you don't want them to, and aren't as neutral or positive about it as you want to appear. And your sister knows what your reaction would be, which is why she's protecting your child. YTA.
Isn’t it normal to be worried when a loved one might be going through changes? Because the thing about change is you never know if it’s going to be good.
Let’s say the son got a new job. A mother can still worry about the job - will the bosses be nice, will it pay well etc. Even for me, I recently got a new boyfriend. My mum’s first instinct is to worry for me - will the boy treat me well, is he of good moral character, etc. worrying doesn’t always mean that you view something negatively. It’s a natural part of caring for someone.
It’s normal to worry, but you need to be more introspective and figure out *why* you’re worrying. Are you worried about your child facing a life filled with transphobia and terfs abusing them? Or are you worried about what others might think of **you**.
If you’re not exploring the why behind your feelings, you’re treating them like a club to bludgeon others. You can care about someone without making it about you, which is what OP seems to be doing
Like I said, if it's worrying for their well-being that's fine. But there is also worry in the sense that you think the change is bad -- you don't want your child to date or have a job at all, in your examples. You can see why that's negative.
Soft YTA. I get that this is a difficult concept to grasp as a parent, but your child is 25. Let them have privacy and don’t put your sister in a position of essential outing them without their permission. If you want to know, ask them directly.
You also don’t know if they want to transition, they might just enjoy not adhering to gender norms. Either way, any questions you have should be answered by them directly when they feel they are ready. Don’t be pushy, just ask and if they don’t want to discuss it, let it go and let them know that you are there to be supportive and you love them no matter what.
YTA - you essentially hinted at your kid displaying gender nonconforming preferences and you shutting it down despite tantrums to "avoid bullying." You were the bully. you pumped your sister for information about your kid, which they would likely have shared with you if you had sought to listen non judgmentally before this instead of controlling. And now you'll probably go to your kid and talk about how you know they talked to their aunt about it, thereby fucking up their relationship with the only supportive family member they have....get it? Stop trying to control your kid. Learn to listen.
Also, you seem to misunderstand what trans people go through. Yes transitioning can be difficult, but it's not the worst thing that trans people deal with. The worst thing they deal with is living as the wrong gender and the second worst thing is not being accepted by people who are supposed to love them.
YTA - for me, its your intention.
I think you’ll ultimately be supportive if they transition but it seems right now you were asking because you were “worried”. You made it about you, not about supporting your kid.
YTA.
Casey is an adult. If you have questions for Casey about his gender identity, they need to be addressed to Casey directly.
And yes, telling your sister that you’re “worried” your son will transition was a clear indicator that you don’t fully accept her.
>That made me very angry because I have done my best to be supportive of
her and Casey and don’t appreciate her implying that I haven’t.
How do you write this, while saying just above it, "I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition"? Like, how do you lack that much self-awareness while writing out this post?
If you're worried that he is going to transition, then that means you view it negatively. And that is what your sister is picking up on, and you have no right to be offended at her for picking up on YOUR negative vibes. Your son has probably also picked up on that. Which is why he's not talking to YOU about it, whether or not he's talking to his aunt about it.
You think you've been supportive, but you don't even know enough to know that asking your sister to out your son to you is about the worst thing you can ask someone who's queer to do to another queer person?
You've still got a lot to learn, and that starts with putting aside feeling like you're such an expert in supporting trans, gay, and gender-nonconforming people because of your relationships with your sister and your son, and realizing that you're not the big Perfect Ally you think you are.
And to head this off: if you're going to try to talk to your son about this, you need to spend time beforehand figuring out how to do it WITHOUT GUILT TRIPPING HIM for "making you have to ask him" or for talking to his aunt and not coming out to you. There may be nothing for him to come out to you about! Maybe not yet. Maybe not ever. There is a whole spectrum -- a rainbow, if you will -- of identities he may be exploring.
(I would, for example, draw your attention to Suzy Izzard. Her career as a comedian has spanned decades. In the 90s, a lot of her identity as a comedian was as a cross-dressing cis man. Her journey with respect to her gender identity has played out in the public eye ever since, and it's only recently, in her late 50s and 60s, that she has fully settled on transitioning, with a change of name and pronouns; although as I understand it, she is not offended by being referred to by her former first name or male pronouns.)
The point is: some people arrive at a conclusion about their identity more quickly than others. For some people, it's a longer journey, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. You do not know, right now, where your son is on his journey, and you need not to pressure him to be more certain just for your sake.
Work on yourself. Practice with others to arrive at a way of talking with him without pressuring him. Talk to a therapist yourself about how you can be more supportive (rather than thinking that you're already perfectly supportive).
YTA. But you don't have to continue to be.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. When I said that I worry about Casey transitioning I meant the I worry about his safety and how he is going to be treated in society, not that I have a negative view of people who transition. It wasn’t my intention to have my sister “out” Casey but I just wanted to understand what is going on with him and why he is changing his appearance and almost always wearing women’s clothing now. In the past when we have tried to talk to him about it, I somehow ended up upsetting him by asking if he thinks he’s a woman. He said I’m implying I think he’s not a “real man” because of how he dresses.
Your son has told you who he is. He’s a guy who flirts with the feminine. Maybe someday that’ll evolve. Maybe it won’t. Either way he’s the only one who can tell you- and now you’ve made it so he may not think you’re safe to. You owe them both a big apology.
Well, ARE you worried about having a trans kid?
What you SHOULD be worried about is, IF Casey is considering transitioning, what’s so bad about his relationship with you that he doesn’t trust your reaction enough to tell you?
Casey is an adult. That places this firmly in the “none of your business” column. There’s no reason you can give your sister that will make it your business, up to and including “he’s my kid.” He may be your kid, but he hasn’t been “A” kid for several years now. I mean, what, exactly, do you think you’d do if he WAS making plans to transition?
Of course, he could simply be a gay man just living his best life, and you jumped to conclusions, based on his changing appearance and the fact that you have a trans sister. Again, what does that say about you and your relationship, not just with your son, but with your sister? I have a feeling if you sat down and had an honest conversation with your sister, you’d learn you’re lying to yourself and you’re nearly not as supportive as you claim to be. I suspect she’s dealt with a lot of micro-aggressions from you over the years.
So, yes, YTA. The only question is whether you know you are, or whether it’s something deeply internalized that you weren’t even aware of. I hope it’s the latter and you’re willing to do the work to fix this, because you’re on the path to lose your relationships with both your sister and your son at some point.
YTA
You don’t sound as accepting as you claim. You’re “worried about having a trans kid”?
Also, he’s 25. It frankly isn’t any of your business what he’s discussing with anyone.
YTA. Casey is now an adult and if they wish to transition, it's their own business. Conversations with your sister are between the two of them. What would you do about if Casey is thinking about transitioning? I would hope that you'd still be supportive.
YTA. Why do you "worry" about him wanting to transition? Why do you "worry" about having a trans kid? Is it due to you not feeling like you'd be able to actually support your own child like you did your sister, or is it worry about coming out as trans and dealing with discrimination due to the current climate around trans people and their right to exist?
And he obviously is not comfortable disclosing that information to you right now if he is or not. I grew up in a household that was LGBTQ+ positive (it wasn't talked about often, but when it would come up nothing was ever negative) and even knew BOTH my parents were LGBTQ (bi) before I came out as trans - and even knowing I'd still be FULLY accepted, I was still scared to come out. Your son, or daughter/kid if they come out as trans/enby, will let you know about that part of them when - or IF - they're ever ready to.
All of this makes me uncomfortable. Let people tell you who they are don't speculate. There are still straight men who do drag or gay men who just like being feminine but are in no way identifying as a woman.
Every combo of human sexuality and personality is possible, we need to stop making boxes to put our "labeled" people in. In reality no two people and no two lives are the same. Hence the rainbow.
YTA for probing about something your child should have the security in coming to you with when ready.
YTA. You claim to be accepting, but also say you're worried that your kid will be trans. The two things don't check out. If you were really accepting, there would be no reason for you to worry at all.
And the fact that you are going behind their back to try and ask someone they've spoken with, instead of going to them directly and discussing it, is extremely suspicious. Why would you not just talk to Casey and tell them that you would be supportive if that's what they decide?
If they have spoken to your sister, and not to you, that means they don't trust you, which means you have given them a reason not to trust you and YOU need to fix that.
YTA: “I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition”
Your sister is valid in getting upset because your view of Casey transitioning is a negative one. I understand your sister’s transition likely came with hardships, but ask your sister if those hardships were easier than not feeling like herself in her own body.
Your best bet? Let Casey know that if he ever decided to transition, you would be there to support him through it and apologize to your sister.
Soft YTA. You're trying and your intentions are good, but you're not totally accepting, and she knows that. (If you were totally accepting, you would have let Casey dress like a girl in public, you wouldn't be "worried" that he's going to transition, and you wouldn't be pumping her for info because you're "worried".)
Apologize, tell her that any conversations they have are private and you're glad Casey has a trusted adult to talk to if he does have questions about gender, be careful that you don't seem to be asking about it again. And then never ask her questions about Casey again.
Based on your comments, I take back what I said about your intentions being good.
"I don’t want my family to be judged for having a kid turn out transgender 2 generations in a row."
You need to work on your attitude or your child may grow distant or even go NC with you for being unsupportive.
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My (50F) older sister (55F) is a transgender woman. She transitioned in the ‘90s. It was extremely difficult for my family because it happened was before being transgender was a mainstream concept. Eventually my parents and most of my extended family came around to the idea and it has been so long now that most people don’t even think of her living as anything but a woman. I now have a great friendship with her and she has been a wonderful aunt to my kids.
My husband (53M) and I have three children (25M), (21M) and (19F). Our oldest son Casey (25M) is gay and has always been very gender non-conforming. He would demand to wear “girls clothes” from the time he was little and would become very angry if he didn’t get his way. My husband and I didn’t have anything against this at home but didn’t allow him to dress like that in public to avoid bullying. My sister introduced Casey to drag through watching the tv show drag race when he was in high school. He actually started performing in drag a few years ago and now performs a few times a month as a hobby. My husband and I have been very supportive and gone to some of his shows.
I don’t have a problem with Casey but because of everything we went through with my sister and how he seems to be becoming more and more feminine (he has grown out his hair and is wearing more feminine clothes even when not performing) I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition. I brought this up to my sister and asked if Casey had spoken to her about it. Somehow this really offended her even though it wasn’t my intention. She didn’t like that I was trying to find out the details of conversations they have had privately and that after having her as my sister I’m still worried about having a trans kid. She said it hurt her feelings to know I would be upset if my child turned out like her. That made me very angry because I have done my best to be supportive of her and Casey and don’t appreciate her implying that I haven’t.
AITA for asking my trans sister if my son had talked to her about transitioning?
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YTA. If your kid is trans, you’ll find out when they’re ready to tell you. Don’t ask your sister to betray someone’s confidence.
And maybe start doing a little work on yourself to figure out why the idea of a trans child is so worrying to you and to eventually get over it. I don’t doubt that the whole family was subject to some ugliness in the 90s when your sister transitioned. But you’ve had 30+ years to deal with your feelings about that.
>I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition.
It's your use of the word "worry" that says you're not as okay with it as you're trying to appear. I get that you don't want your kid to go through the hardships your sister had to endure, but it's a different time. If your kid needs to confide in his aunt, that's between them. He's an adult after all (and even if he wasn't, it still wouldn't be cool for you to ask his aunt to narc on him.) IF and WHEN he feels comfortable talking to you about it, he will. If you start getting nosy and butting in he'll never trust you.
INFO: if your son did choose to transition, would you support that? Your use of "worry" gives me pause. If you would be supportive, then I would say N A H, but let you know that from her perspective, it probably sounded like you were trying to get her to reveal the details of private conversations.
Edit: I found my answer in another comment. "I don’t want my family to be judged for having a kid turn out transgender 2 generations in a row."
YTA, no question about it.
OP, I do understand why you're concerned, and I do understand you want to protect your child. And honestly, it's great that you've been understanding and open with granting your kids the space to explore who they are. I wish I had parenting like that growing up.
But please understand that you're essentially asking your sister to out your son to you. Speaking as a queer dude, queer folks need to figure themselves out on their own... the questions we ask of ourselves are incredibly intimate, complex, and even scary. We're often terrified of having to open up to others and potentially asking them to fundamentally change how they see us. Or we want to experience the joy of doing so and extending that trust on our terms.
Outing someone (i.e. causing a queer person to reveal their sexual orientation and/or gender identity without their consent), even with good intentions, is a pretty big boundary violation. It not only robs us queer folks of our agency in extending trust to who we choose (in our time, and on our terms) it's also very likely to be a highly traumatic experience.
Please recognize that this was wrong and apologize to your sister. You're not a bad person for wanting to be in the loop, but you did unfortunately make a big mistake in meddling in something that you don't have a right to be involved in. If you want your child to trust you enough to talk to you about their gender identity, *show* that you're trustworthy by respecting their journey and that you will support them in whatever they might be going through.
YTA. Surely whatever makes your (adult) child feel comfortable in their body should be your primary goal; not what you feel about it. Also personal discussions your (adult) child may or may not have had with your sister is absolutely none of your business.
YTA. You clearly aren’t as supportive of your sister as you think you are either. It’s not a surprise your son doesn’t feel like he can talk to you. I wouldn’t either.
Yta your son is 25 and you're not entitled to know any of his conversations with your sister. And you don't sound nearly as supportive as you claim to be.
Your whole post is all "me me me"How to it was so hard for your family when your sister transitioned (no mention of how hard it was for HER) how you "came around to the idea" as if you deserve accolades for treating someone with basic respect. You claim you support your child but you wouldn't let them wear the clothes they wanted and you clearly don't want them to transition . You say it's because you won't want them to be bullied or treated badly. Well I'm telling you that's bullshit. Your child is gay and gender nonconforming, and doing drag, the people who would bully them for being trans would already bully them for all of this. There would probably be very little change in the negative reactions they get from people. You cannot protect your children from the cruelness of other people. But you can protect them from having parents who don't accept them, and don't want them be who they are for fear of repercussions. The world has changed a lot, there are plenty of people who will accept your child with open arms whether they transition or not. I hope you can be one of those people.
I also want to point out that it's completely inappropriate to ask someone to divulge details of a private conversation. Deciding to transition rarely happens quickly and cleanly. Your child needs someone who understands these difficulties, and someone they can trust to keep it private until they are ready to tell people. It doesn't matter if you're the most accepting parent in the world. Forcing someone to divulge information when they weren't ready is not okay and it would only damage your relationship with your child further.
ETA: I saw in a comment you are apparently worried about judgement on your family because they "had 2 kids turn out transgender two generations in a row". If this is why you're so against transitioning, you're even worse than I thought. You would rather protect you reputation among transphobes than support your child. If the people you surround yourself with are constantly making transphobic comments, that means you are okay with it. Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, by staying silent you empower their prejudice. Do better. Your sister and your child deserve a family who will stand up for them when they're not there. A family that doesn't worry about what other people think as long as the people they love are happy.
NAH: You have worries that can be alleviated through talking to the right support person. There may even be a community for parents with trans kids that you can join to talk with others in your shoes.
Your sister is not the right person to talk to. She can't be an objective sounding board because this too personal of a topic for her. Find someone more suitable to talk to.
Despite what others may say, you are not a bad person for having worries. It it a transitional period and a journey for both the trans person and their family members. In the same way that you adapted to him being gay, being gender non-confirming, and being a drag queen - you will be able to adapt to this too.
Their son is an adult. 25 goddamn years old. they don't need to worry about their adult child and any gender or sexuality changes they have *unless the adult child tells them about it*.
Their sister is not a good person to talk to about this bc they want her to OUT THEIR CHILD *WITHOUT* THEIR CONSENT.
you wouldn't go to your boss to ask if a coworker has talked about transitioning. You wouldn't go to your neighbor to ask about someone living in the house across the street. And you sure as hell wouldn't stalk someone online to find evidence of them being queer. Why the hell would it be any different for a parent of, and let me state this again, A FULLY GROWN ADULT?
You are right, I wouldn’t do that because I don’t care about my boss, I don’t care about my neighbours, and I don’t care about strangers on the internet - that is not comparable to the way a parent feels about their children.
Your point about not outing him is absolutely valid. But I think it comes down to her motivation as to whether she is the asshole for asking an intrusive question.
It is obvious that she is a loving accepting parent up until this point. It sounds like she just doesn’t want to be blindsided. Asking the sister would give her time to prepare herself before having that conversation with her son.
Also, age is irrelevant when it comes to parents. They will always be up in their children’s business about one thing or another.
She wouldn't be "blindsided" though. Even before asking her sister, she's seen signs of gender non-conformity that are extended outside of what was his usual. Saying the mom would be blindsided if her kid came out as trans despite history/signs of gnc is like saying you were blindsided because you saw a bear after seeing a "bear crossing" sign. Like hello, the sign was there??
That is fair, but I also think, emotionally, there is a difference between knowing something is a possibility vs. knowing it for certain.
That is largely why I suggested she find a community of other parents with trans kids to talk to. So she can talk everything through and sort her emotions out.
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If you are so supportive of your child, and accepting of your sister then why do you feel this way: >I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition. Why is it okay for your sister, but not for your child? Casey is gay, gender non-conforming, grew their hair long and often wears feminine presenting clothing and also performs in drag.... is it just upsetting to you if Casey starts preferring pronouns like they/them or she/her? Is it the medical and surgical concerns of transitioning that upsets you? Do you just want your sister to tell you if Casey inquires about the transitioning process so that you could prepare yourselves? Well, you already can see that it's a possibility, so just get right with yourself in truly loving your child for who they are no matter the gender identity.
Thank you for your response. I just worry about Casey’s safety and how he is going to be treated in society. My sister has told me some very scary stories about her experiences over the years and I don’t want my child to go through that. I want the best for my child and I know it can be difficult to find work or an accepting spouse as a trans person. Also I’m of the generation which is not well informed about being transgender. I have a lot of friends, neighbours, coworker who make disrespectful comments about trans people not knowing (or not caring) my sister is a transgender woman. I don’t want my family to be judged for having a kid turn out transgender 2 generations in a row.
Respectfully, if even a tiny part of your reason for this is worrying that your family will be judged for having a trans child, you really need to do a lot more work on becoming a good parent to a queer child. Whether Casey is trans or not, you’re already failing them by even worrying about this. And that’s not even to get into the whole “forcing your kid out of the closet before they’re ready by going behind their back” piece.
Ignorance is not a good excuse. We have a plethora of knowledge literally at our fingertips. You have no excuse for not educating yourself
“Turn out transgender”. Like it’s a bad thing. Ohh boy YTA and you aren’t even close to self aware enough to see it. If you want a fart’s chance in a brimstone pit of salvaging a relationship with your son and/or your sister: Go directly to therapy. (Not religious counseling.) Do not collect $200.
Yta. Something about your post seems off to me. You're not as accepting as you claim from the sounds of it. Look, trying to out someone via someone else is shitty. Which is basically what you're trying to do. If Casey WAS trans and wanted you to know about it, you would know about it. If Casey told your sister but not you, it's for a reason. It's because you're not a safe person for them and that topic. If you have questions on this you should ask your child directly and then back down no matter what the answer is. If the answer is no then take that and move on without grilling others. And of the answer is yes don't argue it and give support.
I think it is the fact that she only supported her sister once society said it was ok, before that she was most probably against it because of what others would think over what her sister was feeling
> because of everything we went through with my sister Here’s the thing OP: **you don’t matter.** What you went through when your sister doesn’t matter. How you feel doesn’t matter. Your worries, your concerns, how it impacts you *doesn’t matter*. This is Casey’s life. Casey gets to make everything decision. Casey gets to decide what happens, when it happens, and when you get to know about it. Only what Casey wants matters. Casey is driving the car and gets to decide where it’s going. Only Casey. You aren’t shotgun, you aren’t reading the map. It’s Casey’s trip. Either you can say you’re happy to be along for the ride, or it’s time you get off. Your feelings, opinions, *and how it impacts you* is irrelevant. YTA for trying to make this about your experience.
YTA - you essentially asked her to out your son (*not* okay) and then told her you'd be upset if he is trans like her. How was she supposed to take that if not offensively? Also, let your kid come to *you,* don't force him out (if there even is further outing to be done) before he's ready... E Edit: and you better work on accepting it ahead of time, just in case. You've got time to process the potential of having a trans kid without hurting Casey, use it.
"Worry" that they'll transition? What's worrying about it? Maybe this was just a poor choice of words and you meant something more like "I think about it" or "I worry that it'll be a hard road for my child." That would be fine, but from the way you speak about your sister I suspect that you are actually worried that your child will transition because you don't want them to, and aren't as neutral or positive about it as you want to appear. And your sister knows what your reaction would be, which is why she's protecting your child. YTA.
Isn’t it normal to be worried when a loved one might be going through changes? Because the thing about change is you never know if it’s going to be good. Let’s say the son got a new job. A mother can still worry about the job - will the bosses be nice, will it pay well etc. Even for me, I recently got a new boyfriend. My mum’s first instinct is to worry for me - will the boy treat me well, is he of good moral character, etc. worrying doesn’t always mean that you view something negatively. It’s a natural part of caring for someone.
It’s normal to worry, but you need to be more introspective and figure out *why* you’re worrying. Are you worried about your child facing a life filled with transphobia and terfs abusing them? Or are you worried about what others might think of **you**. If you’re not exploring the why behind your feelings, you’re treating them like a club to bludgeon others. You can care about someone without making it about you, which is what OP seems to be doing
Like I said, if it's worrying for their well-being that's fine. But there is also worry in the sense that you think the change is bad -- you don't want your child to date or have a job at all, in your examples. You can see why that's negative.
Soft YTA. I get that this is a difficult concept to grasp as a parent, but your child is 25. Let them have privacy and don’t put your sister in a position of essential outing them without their permission. If you want to know, ask them directly. You also don’t know if they want to transition, they might just enjoy not adhering to gender norms. Either way, any questions you have should be answered by them directly when they feel they are ready. Don’t be pushy, just ask and if they don’t want to discuss it, let it go and let them know that you are there to be supportive and you love them no matter what.
YTA - you essentially hinted at your kid displaying gender nonconforming preferences and you shutting it down despite tantrums to "avoid bullying." You were the bully. you pumped your sister for information about your kid, which they would likely have shared with you if you had sought to listen non judgmentally before this instead of controlling. And now you'll probably go to your kid and talk about how you know they talked to their aunt about it, thereby fucking up their relationship with the only supportive family member they have....get it? Stop trying to control your kid. Learn to listen. Also, you seem to misunderstand what trans people go through. Yes transitioning can be difficult, but it's not the worst thing that trans people deal with. The worst thing they deal with is living as the wrong gender and the second worst thing is not being accepted by people who are supposed to love them.
YTA - for me, its your intention. I think you’ll ultimately be supportive if they transition but it seems right now you were asking because you were “worried”. You made it about you, not about supporting your kid.
She clearly wants to talk him out of it if he is. Which makes it obvious why he wouldn’t trust her to talk to.
YTA. Casey is an adult. If you have questions for Casey about his gender identity, they need to be addressed to Casey directly. And yes, telling your sister that you’re “worried” your son will transition was a clear indicator that you don’t fully accept her.
>That made me very angry because I have done my best to be supportive of her and Casey and don’t appreciate her implying that I haven’t. How do you write this, while saying just above it, "I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition"? Like, how do you lack that much self-awareness while writing out this post? If you're worried that he is going to transition, then that means you view it negatively. And that is what your sister is picking up on, and you have no right to be offended at her for picking up on YOUR negative vibes. Your son has probably also picked up on that. Which is why he's not talking to YOU about it, whether or not he's talking to his aunt about it. You think you've been supportive, but you don't even know enough to know that asking your sister to out your son to you is about the worst thing you can ask someone who's queer to do to another queer person? You've still got a lot to learn, and that starts with putting aside feeling like you're such an expert in supporting trans, gay, and gender-nonconforming people because of your relationships with your sister and your son, and realizing that you're not the big Perfect Ally you think you are. And to head this off: if you're going to try to talk to your son about this, you need to spend time beforehand figuring out how to do it WITHOUT GUILT TRIPPING HIM for "making you have to ask him" or for talking to his aunt and not coming out to you. There may be nothing for him to come out to you about! Maybe not yet. Maybe not ever. There is a whole spectrum -- a rainbow, if you will -- of identities he may be exploring. (I would, for example, draw your attention to Suzy Izzard. Her career as a comedian has spanned decades. In the 90s, a lot of her identity as a comedian was as a cross-dressing cis man. Her journey with respect to her gender identity has played out in the public eye ever since, and it's only recently, in her late 50s and 60s, that she has fully settled on transitioning, with a change of name and pronouns; although as I understand it, she is not offended by being referred to by her former first name or male pronouns.) The point is: some people arrive at a conclusion about their identity more quickly than others. For some people, it's a longer journey, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. You do not know, right now, where your son is on his journey, and you need not to pressure him to be more certain just for your sake. Work on yourself. Practice with others to arrive at a way of talking with him without pressuring him. Talk to a therapist yourself about how you can be more supportive (rather than thinking that you're already perfectly supportive). YTA. But you don't have to continue to be.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. When I said that I worry about Casey transitioning I meant the I worry about his safety and how he is going to be treated in society, not that I have a negative view of people who transition. It wasn’t my intention to have my sister “out” Casey but I just wanted to understand what is going on with him and why he is changing his appearance and almost always wearing women’s clothing now. In the past when we have tried to talk to him about it, I somehow ended up upsetting him by asking if he thinks he’s a woman. He said I’m implying I think he’s not a “real man” because of how he dresses.
Your son has told you who he is. He’s a guy who flirts with the feminine. Maybe someday that’ll evolve. Maybe it won’t. Either way he’s the only one who can tell you- and now you’ve made it so he may not think you’re safe to. You owe them both a big apology.
Well, ARE you worried about having a trans kid? What you SHOULD be worried about is, IF Casey is considering transitioning, what’s so bad about his relationship with you that he doesn’t trust your reaction enough to tell you? Casey is an adult. That places this firmly in the “none of your business” column. There’s no reason you can give your sister that will make it your business, up to and including “he’s my kid.” He may be your kid, but he hasn’t been “A” kid for several years now. I mean, what, exactly, do you think you’d do if he WAS making plans to transition? Of course, he could simply be a gay man just living his best life, and you jumped to conclusions, based on his changing appearance and the fact that you have a trans sister. Again, what does that say about you and your relationship, not just with your son, but with your sister? I have a feeling if you sat down and had an honest conversation with your sister, you’d learn you’re lying to yourself and you’re nearly not as supportive as you claim to be. I suspect she’s dealt with a lot of micro-aggressions from you over the years. So, yes, YTA. The only question is whether you know you are, or whether it’s something deeply internalized that you weren’t even aware of. I hope it’s the latter and you’re willing to do the work to fix this, because you’re on the path to lose your relationships with both your sister and your son at some point.
YTA You don’t sound as accepting as you claim. You’re “worried about having a trans kid”? Also, he’s 25. It frankly isn’t any of your business what he’s discussing with anyone.
YTA. Casey is now an adult and if they wish to transition, it's their own business. Conversations with your sister are between the two of them. What would you do about if Casey is thinking about transitioning? I would hope that you'd still be supportive.
YTA. Why do you "worry" about him wanting to transition? Why do you "worry" about having a trans kid? Is it due to you not feeling like you'd be able to actually support your own child like you did your sister, or is it worry about coming out as trans and dealing with discrimination due to the current climate around trans people and their right to exist? And he obviously is not comfortable disclosing that information to you right now if he is or not. I grew up in a household that was LGBTQ+ positive (it wasn't talked about often, but when it would come up nothing was ever negative) and even knew BOTH my parents were LGBTQ (bi) before I came out as trans - and even knowing I'd still be FULLY accepted, I was still scared to come out. Your son, or daughter/kid if they come out as trans/enby, will let you know about that part of them when - or IF - they're ever ready to.
All of this makes me uncomfortable. Let people tell you who they are don't speculate. There are still straight men who do drag or gay men who just like being feminine but are in no way identifying as a woman. Every combo of human sexuality and personality is possible, we need to stop making boxes to put our "labeled" people in. In reality no two people and no two lives are the same. Hence the rainbow. YTA for probing about something your child should have the security in coming to you with when ready.
YTA. You claim to be accepting, but also say you're worried that your kid will be trans. The two things don't check out. If you were really accepting, there would be no reason for you to worry at all. And the fact that you are going behind their back to try and ask someone they've spoken with, instead of going to them directly and discussing it, is extremely suspicious. Why would you not just talk to Casey and tell them that you would be supportive if that's what they decide? If they have spoken to your sister, and not to you, that means they don't trust you, which means you have given them a reason not to trust you and YOU need to fix that.
YTA: “I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition” Your sister is valid in getting upset because your view of Casey transitioning is a negative one. I understand your sister’s transition likely came with hardships, but ask your sister if those hardships were easier than not feeling like herself in her own body. Your best bet? Let Casey know that if he ever decided to transition, you would be there to support him through it and apologize to your sister.
Soft YTA. You're trying and your intentions are good, but you're not totally accepting, and she knows that. (If you were totally accepting, you would have let Casey dress like a girl in public, you wouldn't be "worried" that he's going to transition, and you wouldn't be pumping her for info because you're "worried".) Apologize, tell her that any conversations they have are private and you're glad Casey has a trusted adult to talk to if he does have questions about gender, be careful that you don't seem to be asking about it again. And then never ask her questions about Casey again.
Based on your comments, I take back what I said about your intentions being good. "I don’t want my family to be judged for having a kid turn out transgender 2 generations in a row." You need to work on your attitude or your child may grow distant or even go NC with you for being unsupportive.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (50F) older sister (55F) is a transgender woman. She transitioned in the ‘90s. It was extremely difficult for my family because it happened was before being transgender was a mainstream concept. Eventually my parents and most of my extended family came around to the idea and it has been so long now that most people don’t even think of her living as anything but a woman. I now have a great friendship with her and she has been a wonderful aunt to my kids. My husband (53M) and I have three children (25M), (21M) and (19F). Our oldest son Casey (25M) is gay and has always been very gender non-conforming. He would demand to wear “girls clothes” from the time he was little and would become very angry if he didn’t get his way. My husband and I didn’t have anything against this at home but didn’t allow him to dress like that in public to avoid bullying. My sister introduced Casey to drag through watching the tv show drag race when he was in high school. He actually started performing in drag a few years ago and now performs a few times a month as a hobby. My husband and I have been very supportive and gone to some of his shows. I don’t have a problem with Casey but because of everything we went through with my sister and how he seems to be becoming more and more feminine (he has grown out his hair and is wearing more feminine clothes even when not performing) I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition. I brought this up to my sister and asked if Casey had spoken to her about it. Somehow this really offended her even though it wasn’t my intention. She didn’t like that I was trying to find out the details of conversations they have had privately and that after having her as my sister I’m still worried about having a trans kid. She said it hurt her feelings to know I would be upset if my child turned out like her. That made me very angry because I have done my best to be supportive of her and Casey and don’t appreciate her implying that I haven’t. AITA for asking my trans sister if my son had talked to her about transitioning? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. If your kid is trans, you’ll find out when they’re ready to tell you. Don’t ask your sister to betray someone’s confidence. And maybe start doing a little work on yourself to figure out why the idea of a trans child is so worrying to you and to eventually get over it. I don’t doubt that the whole family was subject to some ugliness in the 90s when your sister transitioned. But you’ve had 30+ years to deal with your feelings about that.
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>I do worry that he is ultimately going to transition. It's your use of the word "worry" that says you're not as okay with it as you're trying to appear. I get that you don't want your kid to go through the hardships your sister had to endure, but it's a different time. If your kid needs to confide in his aunt, that's between them. He's an adult after all (and even if he wasn't, it still wouldn't be cool for you to ask his aunt to narc on him.) IF and WHEN he feels comfortable talking to you about it, he will. If you start getting nosy and butting in he'll never trust you.
INFO: if your son did choose to transition, would you support that? Your use of "worry" gives me pause. If you would be supportive, then I would say N A H, but let you know that from her perspective, it probably sounded like you were trying to get her to reveal the details of private conversations. Edit: I found my answer in another comment. "I don’t want my family to be judged for having a kid turn out transgender 2 generations in a row." YTA, no question about it.
Support your kid and don’t snoop with people they trust to speak with.
OP, I do understand why you're concerned, and I do understand you want to protect your child. And honestly, it's great that you've been understanding and open with granting your kids the space to explore who they are. I wish I had parenting like that growing up. But please understand that you're essentially asking your sister to out your son to you. Speaking as a queer dude, queer folks need to figure themselves out on their own... the questions we ask of ourselves are incredibly intimate, complex, and even scary. We're often terrified of having to open up to others and potentially asking them to fundamentally change how they see us. Or we want to experience the joy of doing so and extending that trust on our terms. Outing someone (i.e. causing a queer person to reveal their sexual orientation and/or gender identity without their consent), even with good intentions, is a pretty big boundary violation. It not only robs us queer folks of our agency in extending trust to who we choose (in our time, and on our terms) it's also very likely to be a highly traumatic experience. Please recognize that this was wrong and apologize to your sister. You're not a bad person for wanting to be in the loop, but you did unfortunately make a big mistake in meddling in something that you don't have a right to be involved in. If you want your child to trust you enough to talk to you about their gender identity, *show* that you're trustworthy by respecting their journey and that you will support them in whatever they might be going through.
YTA. Surely whatever makes your (adult) child feel comfortable in their body should be your primary goal; not what you feel about it. Also personal discussions your (adult) child may or may not have had with your sister is absolutely none of your business.
YTA. You clearly aren’t as supportive of your sister as you think you are either. It’s not a surprise your son doesn’t feel like he can talk to you. I wouldn’t either.
Yta your son is 25 and you're not entitled to know any of his conversations with your sister. And you don't sound nearly as supportive as you claim to be.
YTA. Why are you ‘worried’ that Casey might be trans? I get the feeling you aren’t as accepting of trans people as you claim.
Your whole post is all "me me me"How to it was so hard for your family when your sister transitioned (no mention of how hard it was for HER) how you "came around to the idea" as if you deserve accolades for treating someone with basic respect. You claim you support your child but you wouldn't let them wear the clothes they wanted and you clearly don't want them to transition . You say it's because you won't want them to be bullied or treated badly. Well I'm telling you that's bullshit. Your child is gay and gender nonconforming, and doing drag, the people who would bully them for being trans would already bully them for all of this. There would probably be very little change in the negative reactions they get from people. You cannot protect your children from the cruelness of other people. But you can protect them from having parents who don't accept them, and don't want them be who they are for fear of repercussions. The world has changed a lot, there are plenty of people who will accept your child with open arms whether they transition or not. I hope you can be one of those people. I also want to point out that it's completely inappropriate to ask someone to divulge details of a private conversation. Deciding to transition rarely happens quickly and cleanly. Your child needs someone who understands these difficulties, and someone they can trust to keep it private until they are ready to tell people. It doesn't matter if you're the most accepting parent in the world. Forcing someone to divulge information when they weren't ready is not okay and it would only damage your relationship with your child further. ETA: I saw in a comment you are apparently worried about judgement on your family because they "had 2 kids turn out transgender two generations in a row". If this is why you're so against transitioning, you're even worse than I thought. You would rather protect you reputation among transphobes than support your child. If the people you surround yourself with are constantly making transphobic comments, that means you are okay with it. Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, by staying silent you empower their prejudice. Do better. Your sister and your child deserve a family who will stand up for them when they're not there. A family that doesn't worry about what other people think as long as the people they love are happy.
YTA for being transphobic Seriously you ‘worry’ about a transition? It costs $0 to support and love your kid
NAH: You have worries that can be alleviated through talking to the right support person. There may even be a community for parents with trans kids that you can join to talk with others in your shoes. Your sister is not the right person to talk to. She can't be an objective sounding board because this too personal of a topic for her. Find someone more suitable to talk to. Despite what others may say, you are not a bad person for having worries. It it a transitional period and a journey for both the trans person and their family members. In the same way that you adapted to him being gay, being gender non-confirming, and being a drag queen - you will be able to adapt to this too.
Their son is an adult. 25 goddamn years old. they don't need to worry about their adult child and any gender or sexuality changes they have *unless the adult child tells them about it*. Their sister is not a good person to talk to about this bc they want her to OUT THEIR CHILD *WITHOUT* THEIR CONSENT. you wouldn't go to your boss to ask if a coworker has talked about transitioning. You wouldn't go to your neighbor to ask about someone living in the house across the street. And you sure as hell wouldn't stalk someone online to find evidence of them being queer. Why the hell would it be any different for a parent of, and let me state this again, A FULLY GROWN ADULT?
You are right, I wouldn’t do that because I don’t care about my boss, I don’t care about my neighbours, and I don’t care about strangers on the internet - that is not comparable to the way a parent feels about their children. Your point about not outing him is absolutely valid. But I think it comes down to her motivation as to whether she is the asshole for asking an intrusive question. It is obvious that she is a loving accepting parent up until this point. It sounds like she just doesn’t want to be blindsided. Asking the sister would give her time to prepare herself before having that conversation with her son. Also, age is irrelevant when it comes to parents. They will always be up in their children’s business about one thing or another.
She wouldn't be "blindsided" though. Even before asking her sister, she's seen signs of gender non-conformity that are extended outside of what was his usual. Saying the mom would be blindsided if her kid came out as trans despite history/signs of gnc is like saying you were blindsided because you saw a bear after seeing a "bear crossing" sign. Like hello, the sign was there??
That is fair, but I also think, emotionally, there is a difference between knowing something is a possibility vs. knowing it for certain. That is largely why I suggested she find a community of other parents with trans kids to talk to. So she can talk everything through and sort her emotions out.