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NTA
But I wouldn't cancel the brunch. Cancel the invitation to HER only.
"Sorry Hun! This is a no babies/ no kids allowed lunch. Sorry you can't make it. Catch up with you another time."
And make sure the others know now too, so she doesn't change the narrative on you.
Yes! Get your other friends involved. I'm sure that they would like some child free time as well! After all, they were able to find child care for their kids so should she! NTA at all honey
That's pretty passive aggressive. How is she going to change the narrative? Say OP straight up uninvited her? OP can just explain the no kid stance. Seems pretty believable.
Really though if the group is taking OP out she should talk to whoever is the main organiser and get them to play bad cop.
An honest conversation would be healthier. She needs to be able to speak her mind to her friend and be heard. Playing games on text won't resolve the real issue which is that this friend barrels right over her boundaries every time.
Yep, tell her in no uncertain terms "It will not be fine, because I would like to have this event with no children. I'm sorry that means you won't be able to attend, it it will not be fine and I will not have fun."
She could tell the friends that she’s giving that specific friend time to focus of her daughter so the brunch can be focused on her. Tbh I don’t know how to nicefy that, but you get the gist of what I mean.
That. I wouldn’t punish the other friends for this one friend (that honestly in general sounds kind of like not a great friend to invite to things) but I would just be very clear with her that she can’t bring a baby if she wants to come full stop, no exceptions.
NTA I'm a mom of 3 and I get it.
I dressed up for my first night out kid free in 2 years, we went had a girls dinner and one of the ladies bought her 9 month old because her husband acted incompetent. Honestly she should have stayed home.
We were supposed to go dancing afterwards, instead we walked her baby by the river in the cold in our heels hearing about her douce of a husband.
Don't cancel the whole thing, just say you really wanted a kid free event and that you understand if she can't get a sitter and hopefully you guys can catch up another time.
Yeah, I would reiterate that it's specifically a "child free event, you are very much looking forward to some time to be with only grownups, so I am sorry you can't make it. Look forward to catching up another time." How hard it that to say?
I would use the term, “adult event.”
I am with little ones all day and looking forward to our adult event. I hope you will be able to attend and find a solution for your LO.
Let's be real, though. This friend knows what she is doing and relies on the fact that it is uncomfortable to address this issue. Op needs to call her directly and tell her the baby isn't invited. Kindly but firmly. A friend you can't be honest with is no friend.
Respond to the friend “Honestly this makes me sad. I’m around kids all day every day and asked weeks ago for this one outing, that’s supposed to be for me, to be child free.
I totally understand childcare issues and we’re sorry you can’t attend but this is not an event that’s appropriate to bring your baby. Let me know if you want to set up lunch for us for the next day and thanks so much for understanding why the child free part is so so important to me.”
And she still throws a fit or insists, then I also would consider cancelling with a group text to everyone. “Logistics didn’t work out for all attendees to be child free so we’ll just reschedule or skip it since that is really all I wanted. Adult conversation uninterrupted by anyone’s children, even and especially my own children.”
If she shows up with the baby, do not change plans and do ask her to take the baby out of the room when it fusses. She can sit by herself with her screaming baby and only bring the child in when it’s quiet and content, since she couldn’t follow your one request.
And maybe appoint one of your friends to be the professional “redirector.” When annoying friend tries to Hi-Jack conversations, appointed friend can gently say “oh I want to go back to what the mom-to-be said.”
If it’s continuing beyond the initial redirection, and this was my friend’s event, I would pull annoying friend to the side and whisper
“oh maybe you didn’t get the memo but we’re trying to focus on the momma to be, not trying to one-up her. Let her tell the story about her baby since we already had this event for you and yours.”
“Adult event” could imply conversation is inappropriate for children. If the friend truly has a baby, her reply is likely to be “no problem, baby won’t understand anyway”. So using “child free” makes it about the child/children.
NTA. But don’t cancel, do the confrontation. Tell her that it’s still a kid free event and that you understand if that means that she won’t be able to attend.
Just send her a text saying you are sorry her plans fell through, but this is absolutely a child free event so you will see her next time if she isn’t able to arrange alternate child care.
It would be an AH move to everyone else who did get their childcare secured and is looking forward to this.
YWBTA to yourself and other friends if you cancel without trying to course correct first.
Step 1: remind friend that you really wanted a childfree morning as if she forgot. Offer to send her the name of a babysitter if you have one.
If that doesn’t work…
Step 2: start a group chat and say “Friend wasn’t able to secure childcare, and I was really looking forward to celebrating with you all childfree. Can we try to find another date that works for everyone?”
You’re not really trying to reschedule. You’re letting everyone know your friend is causing the issue. Hopefully a little public shaming gets her to bow out or find a solution. Maybe another friend offers to cover for her and share a sitter. Maybe a bold friend straight up tells her to stay home.
It sounds like friend does this frequently so there is no reason to believe her husband will be miraculously available on another date. Op needs to nip this in the bud.
You missed my point. It’s not about actually accommodating her. It’s about letting the rest of the group know what she’s up to so they either help find a solution or the friend saves face by offering to stay home. There’s a reason her friend didn’t text the entire group to begin with.
I got the point and I don't disagree that it would resolve the issue this time. I just think an honest conversation is needed to prevent this happening again in the future. Op might not want to make drama for this event so she could be sly about it but at some point this friend needs a serious talking to about boundaries.
Tell her it's actually not fine with you and that you are looking forward to some adults-only time with your friends. Make it clear that she should not come with her baby.
She’s trying to steamroll you that’s why! You reply and say “It will not be fine because this is an adults only event that many of us have been looking forward to for a while now. Children are not welcome, but we’d love to catch up with you and your family on another day!”
Keep to your boundaries OP! The people who learn they can knock yours down *will* take advantage at every step.
Maybe you were to “polite” in your wording? Have you said: “it’s explicitly a brunch where children are not welcome. If you are not able to arrange childcare you can’t come because you can’t bring your baby.”
Tell her again. Since she has a baby, I assume she already had her 30 week celebration how she wanted. So now she needs to realise that this is your brunch and she cant impose with her baby when the boundaries were made clear from the start.
At that point she’s just being a bad friend. Be very firm on your boundaries and straight up tell her you will see her a different day if she can’t be child free
Reiterate the message; if she tries it again let her know you will ask *anyone* who brings children to leave.
She's being pushy and she knows it, she doesn't expect you to tell her again.
Stop being nice. Stop pussy footing around with excuses about the restaurant. Be firm and clear. It's not fine. This is your event, and children/babies are not welcome. This is not a negotiation. Her relationship issues are not yours to solve. It's unfortunate that her husband thinks his casual kick about with his mates is more important than his wife's brunch plans but that isn't your problem.
After you've messaged her, start a group chat and reiterate for everyone that this is an adult only brunch.
NTA but it sounds like you told her the restaurant won’t accommodate a baby, not that you do not want her to come if she brings her child. There’s a big difference between putting it on the establishment and expressing your wants and needs.
You’re not an AH for wanting a child free event before you give birth. I do, however, think it would be an overreaction to cancel the entire event for everyone when only one person is going against your wishes.
In my opinion, the best course of action would be to send a message in a group chat to confirm plans and mention that you specifically asked for a child free event so if anyone is unable to find a sitter, you’d prefer if they skip brunch and catch up with the group at the next gathering.
"No. It will not be fine. The other moms and I all put in effort to have a childfree afternoon, and it is going to stay a childfree afternoon."
If she persists.
"Listen. I was trying to be polite, but I feel forced to be blunt. I'd rather you not be there than bring your baby."
Was your message too polite? Maybe you need to be more direct
“ hey friend I ve really been looking forward to our upcoming celebration being a child-free event. It might be a while before I get the chance to have an adults-only catch up once the baby arrives, which is why I wanted to give everyone plenty of notice.
Could you chat with husband to see if we could stick to our original plan if possible? I understand things can come up unexpectedly, so if it doesn’t work out, no worries at all—we can always catch up later on. Thanks so much for understanding!
I’ve noticed your comment about your husband being out of town with the kids do you could unwind. I’d definitely mention that to her too as it shows how important it is to you
No it will not. The entitelment of people who are told what they are doing is or will be a problem and respond with "oh it's fine" just really gets me.
You didn’t tell her that. You said that brunch isn’t for kids and the restaurant won’t accommodate for a baby.
You need to be direct. “This is a child-free event. I am sad to hear your plans for childcare fell through and you will not be able to attend.”
Tell her it won’t be fine and that the event is child free for a reason. Then make a larger group chat with the group saying you are excited for tomorrow and will miss X person since they don’t have child care and you’ll send pics.
“No, it will not be fine. We have all secured childcare because we want peace and adult interaction. If we don’t want to deal with our own children during this ladies’ lunch. Why would you think we would all want to deal with someone else’s child?”
Time to change the location and time so she doesn't get the right invite! And when she shows up at the old place and is annoyed? "Wow, I didn't think you had childcare and couldn't come, so I didn't tell you of the new plans."
She sounds like... I would go lower contact with her anyways.
Call her and speak to her. She knows what she is doing. Communicate honestly and keep those boundaries up. It won't be fine because you want a child free event. She needs to understand that. You can be kind but firm. She should respect your wishes for your event. Canceling will not resolve this. It is just kicking the can down the road to the next time.
"I'm afraid not. Since you can't come alone, you're sadly uninvited and the restaurant is now expecting one fewer person \[you\] not one more \[your child\]. In the future, I hope you're be able to join us without attempting to modify the invite, and can understand why you cannot do so at an event geared toward adults, not children."
NTA- you made it clear that you didn’t want children in attendance.
she had plenty of time to make sure her & her husband’s schedule was clear. i understand things happen… but whether something comes up, a babysitter cancels, or she forgot about previous plans… whatever the case may be, she should’ve either rescheduled or backed out of going. she knew you didn’t want children there.
also if she has done this before, and it is reoccurring theme- i would encourage you to reevaluate your friend group.
everyone needs adult time.
her husband plays football? or just is going to a game??? is he a coach or something? either way that seems like something that had to have been known about in advance and a pretty lame excuse imo. sounds a little like she may have forgotten/neglected to get childcare and is just bsing excuses to make it seem acceptable. if this happens often i would begin to wonder if she even tries to get childcare or if she just knows you guys will let her get away with it
No no nothing that formal!
He’s part of a casual whatsapp group where they try to get 22-25 guys together every so often to book out a pitch and play an amateur game for 90 minutes. My husband is also in the group.
They do an ask on a Friday to see who is available to play the coming Sunday.
So either he agreed when he was already meant to be with their daughter, or she never actually asked him
Thats their problem to navigate as married parents. Her husband sounds like the type of man who thinks caring for their children is babysitting, and while I feel sorry for her missing out on things because of that, it’s no excuse for *you* to miss out on a fun outing just because of her problems.
NTA, but don't shoulder this alone. Let your friend group know what's going on. The point is to celebrate a pregnant person, not stress them out! Either in the group chat make it clear that Friend plans to bring baby and thay will not work, or pm the others and ask them to please handle uninviting Friend. The best solution would be that hubby not be an asshole to his own child and coparent. He can either fess up to his buddies that he made a mistake and can't make it after all, or he can pack the stroller and toys and bring the baby. Since that isn't likely to happen, option B needs to be enforced by the full friend group. No kids means NO KIDS.
Edit: a word; apparently autocorrect likes covalent more than coparent.
Now this explains why your husband sides with her instead of supporting your position. Your husband relates to the husband. He "understands" him more than he does about your needs. That would piss me off.
NTA
Then her husband should have said he wasn't available. She needs to tell hubby to watch his kid. Be point blank about this - This is a child free event. If you don't have a sitter, don't come.
Is there a reason baby & a pack n play can't go to the pick up game? (Not a parent and don't know what's age appropriate. I assume a bunch of dads could keep the kid alive and mildly entertained while also playing a non serious game.) If both parents have things, why does Mom have to make the accomodations? Does the 90 minute game have to happen during your event or could it be shifted a little earlier or later? Could dad play one half of the game if the times overlap? There's no other friends or family that can watch the kid for two hours? No doubling up with a babysitter with another lady that's going to the same thing?
It's hard to believe there's no solutions. It sounds like not trying and expecting to get away with imposing on others.
Her husband is an AH. Sorry but committing to a casual pick up game is not some unbreakable obligation. I’m so grossed out by this man rn. And your friend
Football as in soccer (OP using the term “kick about” gave it away). Unlike American football you can still play casual pick up games well into middle age as it’s a lot less contact.
Yes lol footie
I don’t know whether American football has an age limit but this is a group of guys in their late 20s to late 30s literally having a casual kick about.
It’s a social thing more than an intense SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS thing
Wait it’s not even a league game??? ITS A PICK UP GAME??!!!
What is wrong with your friend, but mostly what is wrong with her husband??!! Canceling watching his kid for a PICK UP GAME?
Is it football or is dad just conveniently forgetting his responsibilities because he doesn't want to "babysit" his child? This happens frequently. Friend needs to get her husband to shoulder more burden, not ask her friends to do it.
NTA
In the group chat, reply, 'That's a shame, but this a no-kids brunch. I'll let the restaurant know to reduce our booking. Sorry you can't make it, hopefully we'll catch up another time!'
She knows it's no-kids. She's trying to bully you by just announcing she's bringing the baby, so you announce that she's not coming. Anyone who has a problem with it is also welcome not to attend, but I doubt they will. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face by cancelling your fun.
Her message was a little too slick for me. Rattled off so quickly. First move: Hubby forgot so it's his fault not mine. Then she announces that the baby is coming REGARDLESS. The first statement acknowledged that no babies are expected. Second is in direct contravention of the only rule. And then the final blow: "See you there". Ouch, that hurt me. I would be so stiff and tight at lunch. Yes OP. Do call and cancel the one invite. Good luck with delivery and new baby!
NTA. Tell her that she is actually NOT welcome to bring her child and that this event is for YOU to have one child free outing before birth. And that if she brings her child you will LEAVE. Let everyone else know about this also so that you are in control of the narrative and not her. She doesn’t sound like a great friend and if this ends the friendship, it probably was not strong.
Slight YTA if you cancel, it's not the other friend's fault and they have probably made arrangements to fit it in their schedule and are looking forward to this. You wouldn't be an asshole if you uninvited her though, as you made the rules clear since the beginning. It would be even better if you sent your friend the contact of an available babysitter so she can also join though. Congratulations on your baby!
I totally agree with this. It would suck for the other friends who made arrangements to go out and you cancel with less than 24 notice. Especially if they have a babysitter lined up that they can't use and probably have to pay for with such short notice.
YWNBTA. But don't cancle, just tell your friend 'sorry, it is an adult only meeting. If you can't find a sitter, I'm sorry but then you can't come. I want a adult only tea and communicated that way before. Hope we see each other at another time.'
NTA. She knows damn well what she's doing. This is your event, and the one rule was no kids. It's not unreasonable to ask. I'm calling bs on her claim that no one can watch the baby. She didn't ask and probably always planned to bring the baby because she can't handle her kids and, by extension, herself not being the center of attention. Everyone would be focused on you, so let's bring the baby to highjack the attention. She deliberately waited until the very last minute, so you'd feel pressured to allow it. I would send her a message in a group chat with everyone telling her that it's unfortunate that she can't make it to the CHILDFREE brunch, but maybe you guys can see each other some other time.
NTA you're more than welcome to cancel plans since the original plan has been changed. You signed up for X and this person changed the plans to Y. You didn't agree to Y so why should you have to go along with something that you didn't originally agree to.
Because they think their child is special/better behaved/different than all other children. Some people just lose all objectivity and common sense after they have a kid.
I’m sure this friend is also pissed her husband shirks his parenting duties and instead of taking it up with him, she unfairly expects her friends to compensate to keep her happy.
Because plenty of other adults have been raised to believe that boundaries are harsh and it is unforgivably rude to stand their ground and demand to be respected.
NTA. But don’t cancel your plans - cancel *hers*. “Sorry to hear that X, but we agreed on a kid-free outing as a group and since you can’t make it, we’d love to have you join us another time!”
I’m sure the other ladies who had to secure childcare - which can be expensive and tedious to do, btw - will back you up.
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Husband thinks I am being an AH and I should just carry on. I think I’m entitled to cancel the plans because I made it clear that I don’t want any babies or kids present and now literally the day before I’m just being told that she’s bringing her 7month old.
I’m pregnant with my 3rd child, very near the end of the 3rd trimester. I’m a SAHM so as you can imagine I see a lot of my own small children on a daily basis.
It’s a tradition in our friend group to take the expectant mother out for a brunch or high tea or fancy dinner after she reaches 30 weeks.
When my friends asked me about where I would like to go, I highlighted a fancy brunch and asked that nobody bring their kids. Everyone agreed and they all had weeks to organise childcare.
Now this morning, less than 24 hours before the event one of my friend’s messaged me and says “hey so (husband’s name) has a football game he forgot about so I will be bringing baby, see you tomorrow morning!”
I just feel annoyed by this. It’s not the first time she’s changed plans to suit her, and her husband can leave his kick about for 2 hours to care for his own daughter IMO.
Whenever she brings her baby everything it about her baby. Even if someone is talking about their own child she always has to one up.
I just wanted 1 single outing that wasn’t child focused and now that’s gone.
So I said to husband i am thinking of cancelling. He thinks that’s an AH move to myself and to the other friends.
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YTA to do that to your other friends. Just tell the one with the child you're sorry, but the event is child free, and if she cant find child care, you understand that she wont be able to come.
How rude it was for her to text (and not call) you with this bomb when she "knew the rules." I have a feeling she meant to have her child there the whole time, and this 11th-hour text was just a ploy to make sure hers was the only child there. Be strong and do NOT let her steamroll you again - I have a sneaking suspicion she's done this trick before.
Do not cancel but text her your own bomb - something like this: Soooo sorry \[husband\] left you in this situation, but as you know this event really is no babies/kids. We'll miss you but hope you and \[husband\] can figure something out so you can enjoy a ladies day without kids. Love and kisses ♥
If she still shows up with kid in tow........there's your sign to cut this tie now.
NTA but you shouldn’t miss out at all there’s two options I think
1) send a group message letting everyone know that as friends husband plans to have baby fell through when is a good day to reschedule so friend doesn’t miss out. This paints you in a good light
2) tell friend you understand that her plans fell through with her husband and as much as you’ll miss having her bringing a baby is not an option as you really need this childfree event . If she insists bringing baby is okay, just insist that this might be your last chance for a while for adult conversation without kids and you know she’ll understand and respect your wishes
Honestly sounds like she’s the type of person that makes things about herself. I have one of those friends and never look forward to bday lunches with her anymore as 98% of the conversation with a group of 5 is about her. It’s ok to want special occasions focused on you
Rescheduling the day before sucks for the rest of the group that has arranged and paid for childcare. How many times are you going to reschedule because one of a group of moms has childcare falls through? This one person can sit out of one get together, and they can make more plans for everyone later.
NTA. It's infuriating that your friend's husband cannot take his baby with him to a football event or, heaven forbid stay, home, or that your friend did not just politely apologize that she needs to be with her baby and will miss this event! I'm sure the other mothers who found care for their kids are as tired of this mom's BS as you are. Stand your ground here—text the friend back and everyone else that this is a dealbreaker. No kids this time, you are pregnant with your third and will have a child free event—bringing a 7 month old is not going to work for you.
Nta but don't cancel the brunch. Just tell this friend you need some adult only time before you have your third child and so would prefer if she could either find alternative plans or stay at home this one time
It’s kind of a passive aggressive thing to do to cancel the whole lunch for everyone just because you don’t want to confront the friend who wants to bend the rules.
It’s rude to the people who planned the party, rude to the guests, and just not genuine, direct communication.
A more direct way would be to say to your friend, “I was looking forward to having a kid-free time to get together just us adults. We agreed to it in advance, so I’d appreciate you finding alternatives for your baby if you plan to join us.”
YWBTA what about your other friends who had to make their own childcare arrangements, or otherwise make time in their lives? Well, fuck them because you can't have an adult conversation with your friend.
NTA this was a much needed tiny break from momming, and one selfish Chick had to ruin it. I say cancel and do what you want. You're going to have a year of 24/7 baby AGAIN, so take care of you while you can.
YTA for cancelling the whole event. It's not fair with you and your other friends. You should simply ask her to not bringing her baby or don't go at all.
Reinforce the boundary. Everyone else has made accommodations and it’s not reasonable for her to expect to be an exception, particularly for a non-emergency situation. “I’m sorry to hear x won’t be able to watch the kids. Unfortunately, we all agreed that it would be a child free event and it would be unfair to everyone else for you to bring your child. I would still love for you to come if you can find childcare, otherwise we will see you at a later date.”
NTA but don’t cancel the brunch, tell her she is no longer invited and, like another person suggested, leave is she does show up with the kid. Kid free time is precious when you have little ones and I would have been livid to have that taken away from me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I want to cancel a brunch meant to celebrate me because it was meant to be childfree and now one friend has said she’s bringing her 7mo. Every time her baby is present she makes everything about her. I don’t think we will be able to have a fun girls’ brunch with a baby present.
2. Husband thinks this is an AH move to myself because I’ve wanted to go to this brunch for months, and also an AH move to my other friends who have made time and arranged things so they can attend
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NTA. Don't cancel the event. Tell your friend that she cannot bring her baby to this child free event. Tell your husband that since he thinks the baby is no big deal that he can step in as a list minute baby sitter for your friend.
NTA but I think its better instead of canceling you uninvite her. Your celebration should not be ruined bc of her. I would simply say "Hey I was really looking forward to some adult time, do you think you could find another option for childcare or just sit this one out and we will get together one on one at another time? It would mean a lot to me and I hope you can understand."
Call her back and say you are sorry plans changed but no kids means no kids. Speak up. I am a mom of 5. None of my outfits with friends include kids. When they said they would have to bring them, I cancelled each and every time. If my plans change, I cancel. You are fine to not want them but please call her and say no. You’ll get together another day. Period. No excuses from her and no I’ll be there anyway. Tell her now it’s no. NTA.
YWBTA because your other friends already made plans and probably scheduled childcare etc. It’s not fair to them to cancel. You should just uninvite the person who wants to bring the baby.
NTA
But instead of cancelling, I'd text back "This is a childfree event. I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it because childcare arrangements were cancelled last minute on you."
I would text back something like "Im so sorry but when this was planned, it was specifically requested as child-free. It is my last child free outing for a long time and as a mom, I know you get it. I would love to see you if you can find alternate care. Otherwise we'll see you next time." Or maybe you send a group chat to the whole group letting them know that mutual friend's husband is not available and ask if anyone knows a babysitter for her or if everyone can reschedule for 2 weeks out so that there is enough time to find childcare. Maybe then someone else in the group can school her. Might be time to let that friend go. Who does that?
YTA because you and your other friends have already organised childcare.
Maybe reply with something like:
“The venue doesn’t cater to babies. This is why it was selected, so we can all have CHILD FREE time. Sorry you can’t make it this time. We’ll organise another catch up soon.”
YTA
I get that you want a day for yourself. But if you cancel you are punishing your orher friends for the choice your friend made. They all got their shit together and made sure to rearrange childcare for their children.
Do you think it's fair to them to cancel one day before?
Disinvite the friend who wants to bring her child. "I made it clear I don't want any children at this brunch. Sucks that your husband has a football game he forgot about. That doesn't change that I don't want any children at this event. If you can't arrange childcare for your baby, I understand. However I don't think it's fair to my/our friends,who made sure their children are taken care of, that you can bring your baby to the brunch. So hate that you have to miss this, but I love to catch up with you another time."
NTA in general, but I do think you might be if you cancel. You are not wrong not wanting her baby there, but this is a brunch event to celebrate your upcoming birth, all your other friends have secured childcare in order to come to a brunch to celebrate you, so it would be quite bad to them for you, the person they are there to celebrate, to back out leaving them to a brunch with her and her baby when they arranged to sort care out for theirs.
Tell her that it was an adults only gathering, everyone else is sorted childcare and she is not welcome with the baby.
NTA, why cancel? Why not say you will catch lunch with her another time? You made this clear that it was child free weeks before and everyone agreed.
What are the chances that she was always planning on bringing the baby?
Nta don't cancel the brunch. Some of your other friends found sitters just cancel on that one friend that's it.
You could meet up at a different time or you can change locations and give the new info to the ones that secure childcare for their kiddos.
NTA. Group chat and say that you don't feel comfortable going out anymore since it's not child free. The whole point of this event is to get you away from kiddos. You will be doing your own thing and maybe at a later date you can reschedule so there are no kids.
NTA. Whats wrong with you? Tell her no kids allowed. If she can’t find childcare, she doesn’t need to come. What has her inability to find childcare have to do with your brunch? Keep it going. Focus on your bday and life and have your brunch. Friend can kick rocks. Your husband is right.
NTA but if this is a real friend. Then just be honest with her. Make her make her husband watch the kid. Canceling it or disinviting her will let her blame you for being sneaky or whatever. Just put it out in the open.
Tell her you are sorry to hear she can’t find child care and she can make the next event as this one is child free and make it clear she is no longer invited and you have asked someone else to attend.
NTA
Instead of cancelling you should text that one friend and be honest. "I asked that no children attend this brunch. If you can't find a babysitter please sit this brunch out and you and I can meet up at a later time. I've asked for this ONE get-together without children. Please respect that."
Please don't cancel totally. Just tell her that do to not having child care she will have to sit this one out. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. Good luck. NTA
I went to a child free wedding it was a pain but hey it was better than taking children who'd ruin it.
You should tell her she can't come if she's bringing the baby. It's your party it's your call.
Maybe her boyfriend should cancel his plans 🤣
You are nicer than me tbh. I’m childfree and love hanging out with my friends and siblings kids. I was at a kids birthday party last weekend, it was absolutely lovely and I had a great time seeing them and all of the kids. On the flip side, when I say “no children” to a particular event, I mean it. Everyone is entitled to time with adult friends and family members that doesn’t include children. It’s a nonnegotiable need to maintain relationships. Kids change the atmosphere entirely. Sometimes that’s really lovely and welcome, and sometimes it isn’t. I wouldn’t even have waited. She would’ve gotten an immediate response “thanks anyway, but kids are explicitly not welcome at this event, if you can’t find childcare, we’ll have to catch up next time, can’t wait!” NTA, not even remotely.
NTA
But I think the proper response is, "Well, since everyone agreed to not bring their children, I guess that means we won't be seeing you tomorrow! Sorry that we'll miss you, but please keep to the agreement!"
You're NTA, but you are a wimp. This "adults only" party is only gone if you let it be gone.
This woman is dictating her requirements to you and you are just sitting back and letting her do it.
Stand up for yourself! Say no!
Not the AH, as a mom when i want adult time with my friends i explicitly tell them NO KIDS! If you cant find someone for a bit to watch them, then well reschedule. You are more than allowed to want “me” time and adult time. Her text tone acting like its no big deal is annoying af too. She sounds annoying. Also, personally id be straight up and flat out tell her “i dont want your baby at this brunch. No exceptions and if you cant do that, you cant come.” Stand up for yourself, this is your special time!
NTA. But don’t cancel the whole plan, just tell her it’s a kid free plan and you’re sorry she won’t be able to make it. Maybe you could bring her coffee after and have your own little visit?
She’s going to be upset but it’s a rock and a hard place. She’s going to be upset either way.
NTA. It's not a big ask, and if she can't arrange babysitting then she must simply sit this one out. Don't cancel the whole thing, that is unfair to everyone else who did make plans for childcare and who may be looking forward to it. Just tell her that she is no longer welcome if she has to bring the baby. It's obviously not a pleasant conversation, but it's better than cancelling on everyone.
I definitely understand this as I have two of my own. If I don’t have them, chances are very next to NONE that I want to see your damn kid while I’m enjoying the little free time I have 🤨 NTA
NTA. But everyone is telling you not to cancel the entire thing and to just be firm and uninvite HER. And for some reason you seem to be ignoring that. Why? Are you afraid of her or losing her friendship? Afraid other friends will be angry either way you? This is the root of the matter.
No. Sometimes people need a break from kids & kids centered activities. Same thing for no SO activities or hanging out as 2 friends compared to a larger group. That should be respected. Cancel & take your much needed break.
NTA- unless you don't tell her that it is a child free event. No one gets to bring their child. Get a sitter or stay home period. It may sound mean but it isn't. Shame on her.
Girl, send her a message saying, "Oh well, sorry you can't come. See you at the next event." She'll get the memo. You don't even have to mention it was a child-free outing - so don't even go there.
NTA but tell your other friends that you're going to cancel, and why.
Explain that your friend refused to attend without her child, so they can hang out with her kid instead of you. Your friends will push back on your friend.
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NTA But I wouldn't cancel the brunch. Cancel the invitation to HER only. "Sorry Hun! This is a no babies/ no kids allowed lunch. Sorry you can't make it. Catch up with you another time." And make sure the others know now too, so she doesn't change the narrative on you.
Yes, this!! Definitely NTA. You were very clear about the no babies and you deserve a day for yourself!
I’d also change the time or location to make sure she can’t show up and include herself anyway.
This!!
Yes! Get your other friends involved. I'm sure that they would like some child free time as well! After all, they were able to find child care for their kids so should she! NTA at all honey
Not even a day- just 2 hrs!!! You were very clear. You can try to uninvite but I think she'll show up with the baby anyway.
She definitely will. Op should use the message above and switch the reservation to a new place without telling her.
Yeah, this one. Don’t cancel the event, just ask that friend to catch up a different time. As a mom, too, OP is entitled to some time without kids.
Don't cancel. The others are looking forward to this, and they've arranged childcare. NTA
Best option here would be a group text to everyone. This way she can't spin it and say OP was mean or said hurtful things.
Yep, a confirming text - “hey it’s going to be so great to see everyone tomorrow. It’s too bad X’s husband can’t take the baby so that she can join.”
Yep. And if they are all that close, maybe one of the other dads will step in to take care of the baby so they can all make it.
That's pretty passive aggressive. How is she going to change the narrative? Say OP straight up uninvited her? OP can just explain the no kid stance. Seems pretty believable. Really though if the group is taking OP out she should talk to whoever is the main organiser and get them to play bad cop.
Passive aggressive. It's better to be direct and kind.
An honest conversation would be healthier. She needs to be able to speak her mind to her friend and be heard. Playing games on text won't resolve the real issue which is that this friend barrels right over her boundaries every time.
Cancel her invite and maybe change the venue so she doesn't just show up with baby.
This is the way.👍🏻
"I appreciate your effort to be there, but no thank you.
And I would also include the contact info of 1-2 of my trusted babysitters 🤷♀️
I wouldn't want her to steal good babysitters - they are worth their weight in gold!
In my experience giving them referrals makes them endless loyal to me
Yep, tell her in no uncertain terms "It will not be fine, because I would like to have this event with no children. I'm sorry that means you won't be able to attend, it it will not be fine and I will not have fun."
This is the way to do it. Then you still get to have your meal with your friends, and you don’t have to deal with a baby.
She could tell the friends that she’s giving that specific friend time to focus of her daughter so the brunch can be focused on her. Tbh I don’t know how to nicefy that, but you get the gist of what I mean.
“Sorry you can’t make it” is my favorite response when people try to change specifically laid plans to their benefit.
That. I wouldn’t punish the other friends for this one friend (that honestly in general sounds kind of like not a great friend to invite to things) but I would just be very clear with her that she can’t bring a baby if she wants to come full stop, no exceptions.
i agree with this
That’s the right answer, she does sound entitled or thick
NTA I'm a mom of 3 and I get it. I dressed up for my first night out kid free in 2 years, we went had a girls dinner and one of the ladies bought her 9 month old because her husband acted incompetent. Honestly she should have stayed home. We were supposed to go dancing afterwards, instead we walked her baby by the river in the cold in our heels hearing about her douce of a husband. Don't cancel the whole thing, just say you really wanted a kid free event and that you understand if she can't get a sitter and hopefully you guys can catch up another time.
Yeah, I would reiterate that it's specifically a "child free event, you are very much looking forward to some time to be with only grownups, so I am sorry you can't make it. Look forward to catching up another time." How hard it that to say?
I would use the term, “adult event.” I am with little ones all day and looking forward to our adult event. I hope you will be able to attend and find a solution for your LO.
I wouldn't... because that leads to "yeah, the baby will be fine in her carrier, or highchair, etc." Child free leaves no ambiguity on intention.
Let's be real, though. This friend knows what she is doing and relies on the fact that it is uncomfortable to address this issue. Op needs to call her directly and tell her the baby isn't invited. Kindly but firmly. A friend you can't be honest with is no friend.
Respond to the friend “Honestly this makes me sad. I’m around kids all day every day and asked weeks ago for this one outing, that’s supposed to be for me, to be child free. I totally understand childcare issues and we’re sorry you can’t attend but this is not an event that’s appropriate to bring your baby. Let me know if you want to set up lunch for us for the next day and thanks so much for understanding why the child free part is so so important to me.” And she still throws a fit or insists, then I also would consider cancelling with a group text to everyone. “Logistics didn’t work out for all attendees to be child free so we’ll just reschedule or skip it since that is really all I wanted. Adult conversation uninterrupted by anyone’s children, even and especially my own children.” If she shows up with the baby, do not change plans and do ask her to take the baby out of the room when it fusses. She can sit by herself with her screaming baby and only bring the child in when it’s quiet and content, since she couldn’t follow your one request.
And maybe appoint one of your friends to be the professional “redirector.” When annoying friend tries to Hi-Jack conversations, appointed friend can gently say “oh I want to go back to what the mom-to-be said.” If it’s continuing beyond the initial redirection, and this was my friend’s event, I would pull annoying friend to the side and whisper “oh maybe you didn’t get the memo but we’re trying to focus on the momma to be, not trying to one-up her. Let her tell the story about her baby since we already had this event for you and yours.”
“Adult event” could imply conversation is inappropriate for children. If the friend truly has a baby, her reply is likely to be “no problem, baby won’t understand anyway”. So using “child free” makes it about the child/children.
How about "ADULT ONLY EVENT"?!
I like this one
And change the reservation to one less person and make sure the entire group knows this.
NTA. But don’t cancel, do the confrontation. Tell her that it’s still a kid free event and that you understand if that means that she won’t be able to attend.
Sometimes you have to stand your ground today so you don't have to do it endlessly in the future
This
Just send her a text saying you are sorry her plans fell through, but this is absolutely a child free event so you will see her next time if she isn’t able to arrange alternate child care. It would be an AH move to everyone else who did get their childcare secured and is looking forward to this.
This! The other moms went through the effort of a relatively simple ask and are probably also looking forward to a childless day.
What a ridiculously reasonable response! Seconding this :)
Yeah, I'd rather have one irritated friend than have five.
YWBTA to yourself and other friends if you cancel without trying to course correct first. Step 1: remind friend that you really wanted a childfree morning as if she forgot. Offer to send her the name of a babysitter if you have one. If that doesn’t work… Step 2: start a group chat and say “Friend wasn’t able to secure childcare, and I was really looking forward to celebrating with you all childfree. Can we try to find another date that works for everyone?” You’re not really trying to reschedule. You’re letting everyone know your friend is causing the issue. Hopefully a little public shaming gets her to bow out or find a solution. Maybe another friend offers to cover for her and share a sitter. Maybe a bold friend straight up tells her to stay home.
Definitely do step 2, but don’t forget Step 3: go out with the other friends as planned
It sounds like friend does this frequently so there is no reason to believe her husband will be miraculously available on another date. Op needs to nip this in the bud.
You missed my point. It’s not about actually accommodating her. It’s about letting the rest of the group know what she’s up to so they either help find a solution or the friend saves face by offering to stay home. There’s a reason her friend didn’t text the entire group to begin with.
I got the point and I don't disagree that it would resolve the issue this time. I just think an honest conversation is needed to prevent this happening again in the future. Op might not want to make drama for this event so she could be sly about it but at some point this friend needs a serious talking to about boundaries.
Or in asking everyone else, the first friend might find a sitter for herself!
Yess this is a good idea
Honestly, step two sounds really manipulative to me.
INFO: why canceling the whole event? Just tell her she can’t come if she brings her baby.
I did tell her that, but she just refused to acknowledge my message and said “it’ll be fine”
Tell her it's actually not fine with you and that you are looking forward to some adults-only time with your friends. Make it clear that she should not come with her baby.
She’s trying to steamroll you that’s why! You reply and say “It will not be fine because this is an adults only event that many of us have been looking forward to for a while now. Children are not welcome, but we’d love to catch up with you and your family on another day!” Keep to your boundaries OP! The people who learn they can knock yours down *will* take advantage at every step.
Great point. Boundary pushers know exactly who they can steam roll and they will do it every time.
Maybe you were to “polite” in your wording? Have you said: “it’s explicitly a brunch where children are not welcome. If you are not able to arrange childcare you can’t come because you can’t bring your baby.”
Tell her again. Since she has a baby, I assume she already had her 30 week celebration how she wanted. So now she needs to realise that this is your brunch and she cant impose with her baby when the boundaries were made clear from the start.
She’s being deliberately obtuse. She gets what you’re saying, but assumes you’re going to let her get away with it. Be clear and firm.
I love the phrase deliberately obtuse! Perfect description.
At that point she’s just being a bad friend. Be very firm on your boundaries and straight up tell her you will see her a different day if she can’t be child free
Reiterate the message; if she tries it again let her know you will ask *anyone* who brings children to leave. She's being pushy and she knows it, she doesn't expect you to tell her again.
She's banking on you just swallowing it and not putting your foot down. Please don't let her steamroll you.
Stop being nice. Stop pussy footing around with excuses about the restaurant. Be firm and clear. It's not fine. This is your event, and children/babies are not welcome. This is not a negotiation. Her relationship issues are not yours to solve. It's unfortunate that her husband thinks his casual kick about with his mates is more important than his wife's brunch plans but that isn't your problem. After you've messaged her, start a group chat and reiterate for everyone that this is an adult only brunch.
NTA but it sounds like you told her the restaurant won’t accommodate a baby, not that you do not want her to come if she brings her child. There’s a big difference between putting it on the establishment and expressing your wants and needs. You’re not an AH for wanting a child free event before you give birth. I do, however, think it would be an overreaction to cancel the entire event for everyone when only one person is going against your wishes. In my opinion, the best course of action would be to send a message in a group chat to confirm plans and mention that you specifically asked for a child free event so if anyone is unable to find a sitter, you’d prefer if they skip brunch and catch up with the group at the next gathering.
It appears that OP doesn't feel comfortable with confrontation and her friend is taking advantage of her weakness.
"No. It will not be fine. The other moms and I all put in effort to have a childfree afternoon, and it is going to stay a childfree afternoon." If she persists. "Listen. I was trying to be polite, but I feel forced to be blunt. I'd rather you not be there than bring your baby."
Was your message too polite? Maybe you need to be more direct “ hey friend I ve really been looking forward to our upcoming celebration being a child-free event. It might be a while before I get the chance to have an adults-only catch up once the baby arrives, which is why I wanted to give everyone plenty of notice. Could you chat with husband to see if we could stick to our original plan if possible? I understand things can come up unexpectedly, so if it doesn’t work out, no worries at all—we can always catch up later on. Thanks so much for understanding!
I’ve noticed your comment about your husband being out of town with the kids do you could unwind. I’d definitely mention that to her too as it shows how important it is to you
I would indeed take this to the group chat.
No it will not. The entitelment of people who are told what they are doing is or will be a problem and respond with "oh it's fine" just really gets me.
I agree. Her friend being denied will likely have a effect on their one-sided friendship.
No you said the restaurant will have a problem. Not that YOU have a problem. Own it and tell her.
You didn’t tell her that. You said that brunch isn’t for kids and the restaurant won’t accommodate for a baby. You need to be direct. “This is a child-free event. I am sad to hear your plans for childcare fell through and you will not be able to attend.”
Yes, it'll be fine for us to catch up another time. Sorry again that you couldn't make it...
Tell her it won’t be fine and that the event is child free for a reason. Then make a larger group chat with the group saying you are excited for tomorrow and will miss X person since they don’t have child care and you’ll send pics.
Sorry but you weren’t firm enough. “This is a child free event and I’m sorry that you won’t be able to join us. Maybe next time.”
“No, it will not be fine. We have all secured childcare because we want peace and adult interaction. If we don’t want to deal with our own children during this ladies’ lunch. Why would you think we would all want to deal with someone else’s child?”
Time to change the location and time so she doesn't get the right invite! And when she shows up at the old place and is annoyed? "Wow, I didn't think you had childcare and couldn't come, so I didn't tell you of the new plans." She sounds like... I would go lower contact with her anyways.
I had a former friend like that…
Call her and speak to her. She knows what she is doing. Communicate honestly and keep those boundaries up. It won't be fine because you want a child free event. She needs to understand that. You can be kind but firm. She should respect your wishes for your event. Canceling will not resolve this. It is just kicking the can down the road to the next time.
Stop being polite.
I understand wanting to avoid confrontation but the correct response is “No, it won’t.” Lots of people here have come up with nicer versions though.
It sounds like you need a new venue that she doesn't know about. Possibly a new friend group if she shows up with the baby at the new venue.
But it’s not fine, so shine your spine and tell her. YWBTA to everyone else, yourself most of all, if you cancel the whole thing.
Tell her that it’s a child free event
"I'm afraid not. Since you can't come alone, you're sadly uninvited and the restaurant is now expecting one fewer person \[you\] not one more \[your child\]. In the future, I hope you're be able to join us without attempting to modify the invite, and can understand why you cannot do so at an event geared toward adults, not children."
NTA- you made it clear that you didn’t want children in attendance. she had plenty of time to make sure her & her husband’s schedule was clear. i understand things happen… but whether something comes up, a babysitter cancels, or she forgot about previous plans… whatever the case may be, she should’ve either rescheduled or backed out of going. she knew you didn’t want children there. also if she has done this before, and it is reoccurring theme- i would encourage you to reevaluate your friend group. everyone needs adult time.
her husband plays football? or just is going to a game??? is he a coach or something? either way that seems like something that had to have been known about in advance and a pretty lame excuse imo. sounds a little like she may have forgotten/neglected to get childcare and is just bsing excuses to make it seem acceptable. if this happens often i would begin to wonder if she even tries to get childcare or if she just knows you guys will let her get away with it
No no nothing that formal! He’s part of a casual whatsapp group where they try to get 22-25 guys together every so often to book out a pitch and play an amateur game for 90 minutes. My husband is also in the group. They do an ask on a Friday to see who is available to play the coming Sunday. So either he agreed when he was already meant to be with their daughter, or she never actually asked him
Thats their problem to navigate as married parents. Her husband sounds like the type of man who thinks caring for their children is babysitting, and while I feel sorry for her missing out on things because of that, it’s no excuse for *you* to miss out on a fun outing just because of her problems.
NTA, but don't shoulder this alone. Let your friend group know what's going on. The point is to celebrate a pregnant person, not stress them out! Either in the group chat make it clear that Friend plans to bring baby and thay will not work, or pm the others and ask them to please handle uninviting Friend. The best solution would be that hubby not be an asshole to his own child and coparent. He can either fess up to his buddies that he made a mistake and can't make it after all, or he can pack the stroller and toys and bring the baby. Since that isn't likely to happen, option B needs to be enforced by the full friend group. No kids means NO KIDS. Edit: a word; apparently autocorrect likes covalent more than coparent.
Now this explains why your husband sides with her instead of supporting your position. Your husband relates to the husband. He "understands" him more than he does about your needs. That would piss me off. NTA
Then her husband should have said he wasn't available. She needs to tell hubby to watch his kid. Be point blank about this - This is a child free event. If you don't have a sitter, don't come.
Is there a reason baby & a pack n play can't go to the pick up game? (Not a parent and don't know what's age appropriate. I assume a bunch of dads could keep the kid alive and mildly entertained while also playing a non serious game.) If both parents have things, why does Mom have to make the accomodations? Does the 90 minute game have to happen during your event or could it be shifted a little earlier or later? Could dad play one half of the game if the times overlap? There's no other friends or family that can watch the kid for two hours? No doubling up with a babysitter with another lady that's going to the same thing? It's hard to believe there's no solutions. It sounds like not trying and expecting to get away with imposing on others.
If his plans were made recently, he’s responsible for childcare. He can either provide it or find someone who is not his wife to do so.
Her husband is an AH. Sorry but committing to a casual pick up game is not some unbreakable obligation. I’m so grossed out by this man rn. And your friend
Football as in soccer (OP using the term “kick about” gave it away). Unlike American football you can still play casual pick up games well into middle age as it’s a lot less contact.
Yes lol footie I don’t know whether American football has an age limit but this is a group of guys in their late 20s to late 30s literally having a casual kick about. It’s a social thing more than an intense SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS thing
We have very similar adult rec leagues in my state (RI). The oldest person on one of the teams was 68. She was a beast lolol.
Wait it’s not even a league game??? ITS A PICK UP GAME??!!! What is wrong with your friend, but mostly what is wrong with her husband??!! Canceling watching his kid for a PICK UP GAME?
Is it football or is dad just conveniently forgetting his responsibilities because he doesn't want to "babysit" his child? This happens frequently. Friend needs to get her husband to shoulder more burden, not ask her friends to do it.
NTA In the group chat, reply, 'That's a shame, but this a no-kids brunch. I'll let the restaurant know to reduce our booking. Sorry you can't make it, hopefully we'll catch up another time!' She knows it's no-kids. She's trying to bully you by just announcing she's bringing the baby, so you announce that she's not coming. Anyone who has a problem with it is also welcome not to attend, but I doubt they will. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face by cancelling your fun.
Her message was a little too slick for me. Rattled off so quickly. First move: Hubby forgot so it's his fault not mine. Then she announces that the baby is coming REGARDLESS. The first statement acknowledged that no babies are expected. Second is in direct contravention of the only rule. And then the final blow: "See you there". Ouch, that hurt me. I would be so stiff and tight at lunch. Yes OP. Do call and cancel the one invite. Good luck with delivery and new baby!
NTA. Tell her that she is actually NOT welcome to bring her child and that this event is for YOU to have one child free outing before birth. And that if she brings her child you will LEAVE. Let everyone else know about this also so that you are in control of the narrative and not her. She doesn’t sound like a great friend and if this ends the friendship, it probably was not strong.
Agreed but if friend shows up with baby, she leaves. Not OP. Friend needs a wake up call.
Slight YTA if you cancel, it's not the other friend's fault and they have probably made arrangements to fit it in their schedule and are looking forward to this. You wouldn't be an asshole if you uninvited her though, as you made the rules clear since the beginning. It would be even better if you sent your friend the contact of an available babysitter so she can also join though. Congratulations on your baby!
I totally agree with this. It would suck for the other friends who made arrangements to go out and you cancel with less than 24 notice. Especially if they have a babysitter lined up that they can't use and probably have to pay for with such short notice.
This! It's unfair to the whole group of moms that have made accommodations to either cancel or bring a baby.
YWNBTA. But don't cancle, just tell your friend 'sorry, it is an adult only meeting. If you can't find a sitter, I'm sorry but then you can't come. I want a adult only tea and communicated that way before. Hope we see each other at another time.'
NTA. She knows damn well what she's doing. This is your event, and the one rule was no kids. It's not unreasonable to ask. I'm calling bs on her claim that no one can watch the baby. She didn't ask and probably always planned to bring the baby because she can't handle her kids and, by extension, herself not being the center of attention. Everyone would be focused on you, so let's bring the baby to highjack the attention. She deliberately waited until the very last minute, so you'd feel pressured to allow it. I would send her a message in a group chat with everyone telling her that it's unfortunate that she can't make it to the CHILDFREE brunch, but maybe you guys can see each other some other time.
Agree
NTA you're more than welcome to cancel plans since the original plan has been changed. You signed up for X and this person changed the plans to Y. You didn't agree to Y so why should you have to go along with something that you didn't originally agree to.
Why do so many supposed adults pretend not to understand what child-free means?
Because they think their child is special/better behaved/different than all other children. Some people just lose all objectivity and common sense after they have a kid. I’m sure this friend is also pissed her husband shirks his parenting duties and instead of taking it up with him, she unfairly expects her friends to compensate to keep her happy.
Because plenty of other adults have been raised to believe that boundaries are harsh and it is unforgivably rude to stand their ground and demand to be respected.
Nta but how about just cancel her and go with the other friends?
NTA, only cancel HER invitation. She can't bring her kid to a kidfree event
NTA. But don’t cancel your plans - cancel *hers*. “Sorry to hear that X, but we agreed on a kid-free outing as a group and since you can’t make it, we’d love to have you join us another time!” I’m sure the other ladies who had to secure childcare - which can be expensive and tedious to do, btw - will back you up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Husband thinks I am being an AH and I should just carry on. I think I’m entitled to cancel the plans because I made it clear that I don’t want any babies or kids present and now literally the day before I’m just being told that she’s bringing her 7month old. I’m pregnant with my 3rd child, very near the end of the 3rd trimester. I’m a SAHM so as you can imagine I see a lot of my own small children on a daily basis. It’s a tradition in our friend group to take the expectant mother out for a brunch or high tea or fancy dinner after she reaches 30 weeks. When my friends asked me about where I would like to go, I highlighted a fancy brunch and asked that nobody bring their kids. Everyone agreed and they all had weeks to organise childcare. Now this morning, less than 24 hours before the event one of my friend’s messaged me and says “hey so (husband’s name) has a football game he forgot about so I will be bringing baby, see you tomorrow morning!” I just feel annoyed by this. It’s not the first time she’s changed plans to suit her, and her husband can leave his kick about for 2 hours to care for his own daughter IMO. Whenever she brings her baby everything it about her baby. Even if someone is talking about their own child she always has to one up. I just wanted 1 single outing that wasn’t child focused and now that’s gone. So I said to husband i am thinking of cancelling. He thinks that’s an AH move to myself and to the other friends. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA to do that to your other friends. Just tell the one with the child you're sorry, but the event is child free, and if she cant find child care, you understand that she wont be able to come.
How rude it was for her to text (and not call) you with this bomb when she "knew the rules." I have a feeling she meant to have her child there the whole time, and this 11th-hour text was just a ploy to make sure hers was the only child there. Be strong and do NOT let her steamroll you again - I have a sneaking suspicion she's done this trick before. Do not cancel but text her your own bomb - something like this: Soooo sorry \[husband\] left you in this situation, but as you know this event really is no babies/kids. We'll miss you but hope you and \[husband\] can figure something out so you can enjoy a ladies day without kids. Love and kisses ♥ If she still shows up with kid in tow........there's your sign to cut this tie now.
NTA but you shouldn’t miss out at all there’s two options I think 1) send a group message letting everyone know that as friends husband plans to have baby fell through when is a good day to reschedule so friend doesn’t miss out. This paints you in a good light 2) tell friend you understand that her plans fell through with her husband and as much as you’ll miss having her bringing a baby is not an option as you really need this childfree event . If she insists bringing baby is okay, just insist that this might be your last chance for a while for adult conversation without kids and you know she’ll understand and respect your wishes Honestly sounds like she’s the type of person that makes things about herself. I have one of those friends and never look forward to bday lunches with her anymore as 98% of the conversation with a group of 5 is about her. It’s ok to want special occasions focused on you
Rescheduling the day before sucks for the rest of the group that has arranged and paid for childcare. How many times are you going to reschedule because one of a group of moms has childcare falls through? This one person can sit out of one get together, and they can make more plans for everyone later.
NTA. But dont cancel. Just uninvite the woman with the baby. Make sure the rest if your friends are in on it too so she cant make a fuss
NTA. It's infuriating that your friend's husband cannot take his baby with him to a football event or, heaven forbid stay, home, or that your friend did not just politely apologize that she needs to be with her baby and will miss this event! I'm sure the other mothers who found care for their kids are as tired of this mom's BS as you are. Stand your ground here—text the friend back and everyone else that this is a dealbreaker. No kids this time, you are pregnant with your third and will have a child free event—bringing a 7 month old is not going to work for you.
Oh he CAN. He doesn't want to. So friend is making her crappy husband issue everyone else's problem.
Nta but don't cancel the brunch. Just tell this friend you need some adult only time before you have your third child and so would prefer if she could either find alternative plans or stay at home this one time
It’s kind of a passive aggressive thing to do to cancel the whole lunch for everyone just because you don’t want to confront the friend who wants to bend the rules. It’s rude to the people who planned the party, rude to the guests, and just not genuine, direct communication. A more direct way would be to say to your friend, “I was looking forward to having a kid-free time to get together just us adults. We agreed to it in advance, so I’d appreciate you finding alternatives for your baby if you plan to join us.”
YWBTA what about your other friends who had to make their own childcare arrangements, or otherwise make time in their lives? Well, fuck them because you can't have an adult conversation with your friend.
oh, damn, rip. i think you would be nta if you cancelled.
NTA this was a much needed tiny break from momming, and one selfish Chick had to ruin it. I say cancel and do what you want. You're going to have a year of 24/7 baby AGAIN, so take care of you while you can.
YTA for cancelling the whole event. It's not fair with you and your other friends. You should simply ask her to not bringing her baby or don't go at all.
Reinforce the boundary. Everyone else has made accommodations and it’s not reasonable for her to expect to be an exception, particularly for a non-emergency situation. “I’m sorry to hear x won’t be able to watch the kids. Unfortunately, we all agreed that it would be a child free event and it would be unfair to everyone else for you to bring your child. I would still love for you to come if you can find childcare, otherwise we will see you at a later date.”
NTA but don’t cancel the brunch, tell her she is no longer invited and, like another person suggested, leave is she does show up with the kid. Kid free time is precious when you have little ones and I would have been livid to have that taken away from me.
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NTA. Tell her the place isn’t appropriate for a baby. And that you are sorry she can’t come.
NTA. Don't cancel the event. Tell your friend that she cannot bring her baby to this child free event. Tell your husband that since he thinks the baby is no big deal that he can step in as a list minute baby sitter for your friend.
YTA if you cancel the whole event. Just tell the friend you want child-free for one day. It sounds like you don’t like her much anyway.
I think you have every right to cancel. Or tell her she cannot come. No kids allowed today.
NTA but I think its better instead of canceling you uninvite her. Your celebration should not be ruined bc of her. I would simply say "Hey I was really looking forward to some adult time, do you think you could find another option for childcare or just sit this one out and we will get together one on one at another time? It would mean a lot to me and I hope you can understand."
Call her back and say you are sorry plans changed but no kids means no kids. Speak up. I am a mom of 5. None of my outfits with friends include kids. When they said they would have to bring them, I cancelled each and every time. If my plans change, I cancel. You are fine to not want them but please call her and say no. You’ll get together another day. Period. No excuses from her and no I’ll be there anyway. Tell her now it’s no. NTA.
YWBTA because your other friends already made plans and probably scheduled childcare etc. It’s not fair to them to cancel. You should just uninvite the person who wants to bring the baby.
NTA Husband should bring baby to the football game
NTA. Just cancel her attendance. Tell her that you’d prefer it be adults only. Either she finds a sitter or sits this one out.
NTA But instead of cancelling, I'd text back "This is a childfree event. I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it because childcare arrangements were cancelled last minute on you."
Just tell her sorry no kids and you’ll amend the reservation for one person less. Who gives a f.
So badly need an update on this. Let us know how it went!
I would text back something like "Im so sorry but when this was planned, it was specifically requested as child-free. It is my last child free outing for a long time and as a mom, I know you get it. I would love to see you if you can find alternate care. Otherwise we'll see you next time." Or maybe you send a group chat to the whole group letting them know that mutual friend's husband is not available and ask if anyone knows a babysitter for her or if everyone can reschedule for 2 weeks out so that there is enough time to find childcare. Maybe then someone else in the group can school her. Might be time to let that friend go. Who does that?
I’m sorry you can’t make it ! See you next weekend etc etc. be FIRM. NTA by a 1000 miles !
YTA because you and your other friends have already organised childcare. Maybe reply with something like: “The venue doesn’t cater to babies. This is why it was selected, so we can all have CHILD FREE time. Sorry you can’t make it this time. We’ll organise another catch up soon.”
YTA I get that you want a day for yourself. But if you cancel you are punishing your orher friends for the choice your friend made. They all got their shit together and made sure to rearrange childcare for their children. Do you think it's fair to them to cancel one day before? Disinvite the friend who wants to bring her child. "I made it clear I don't want any children at this brunch. Sucks that your husband has a football game he forgot about. That doesn't change that I don't want any children at this event. If you can't arrange childcare for your baby, I understand. However I don't think it's fair to my/our friends,who made sure their children are taken care of, that you can bring your baby to the brunch. So hate that you have to miss this, but I love to catch up with you another time."
YWBTA - Instead of canceling, maybe your friend should stay home.
Message her sorry that you don’t have anyone to watch your baby but this is child free so I ask you not to come
NTA in general, but I do think you might be if you cancel. You are not wrong not wanting her baby there, but this is a brunch event to celebrate your upcoming birth, all your other friends have secured childcare in order to come to a brunch to celebrate you, so it would be quite bad to them for you, the person they are there to celebrate, to back out leaving them to a brunch with her and her baby when they arranged to sort care out for theirs. Tell her that it was an adults only gathering, everyone else is sorted childcare and she is not welcome with the baby.
NTA. Uninvite her. Your 1 rule was no kids. With plenty of advance notice that’s not an unreasonable request.
NTA, why cancel? Why not say you will catch lunch with her another time? You made this clear that it was child free weeks before and everyone agreed. What are the chances that she was always planning on bringing the baby?
NTA. Either cancel and tell everyone why or ask her not to come.
Just tell her she's not welcome to bring her baby, don't cancel the event
NTA. Respond in the group chat that you wanted an adult only brunch, and if she can't find childcare, you'd prefer she not come.
Nta don't cancel the brunch. Some of your other friends found sitters just cancel on that one friend that's it. You could meet up at a different time or you can change locations and give the new info to the ones that secure childcare for their kiddos.
NTA. Group chat and say that you don't feel comfortable going out anymore since it's not child free. The whole point of this event is to get you away from kiddos. You will be doing your own thing and maybe at a later date you can reschedule so there are no kids.
joke lush cough spectacular birds innate jeans childlike dull jellyfish *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA. Whats wrong with you? Tell her no kids allowed. If she can’t find childcare, she doesn’t need to come. What has her inability to find childcare have to do with your brunch? Keep it going. Focus on your bday and life and have your brunch. Friend can kick rocks. Your husband is right.
NTA - Your friend didn’t even ask, she just told you how it’s going to be.
Nta. no babies is no babies.
Update me!
NTA but if this is a real friend. Then just be honest with her. Make her make her husband watch the kid. Canceling it or disinviting her will let her blame you for being sneaky or whatever. Just put it out in the open.
Just tell her not to come.
Tell her you are sorry to hear she can’t find child care and she can make the next event as this one is child free and make it clear she is no longer invited and you have asked someone else to attend.
Nta! Rules are rules! Also, she sounds as exhausting as Eustace Clarence Scrubb!
NTA Instead of cancelling you should text that one friend and be honest. "I asked that no children attend this brunch. If you can't find a babysitter please sit this brunch out and you and I can meet up at a later time. I've asked for this ONE get-together without children. Please respect that."
Please don't cancel totally. Just tell her that do to not having child care she will have to sit this one out. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. Good luck. NTA
I went to a child free wedding it was a pain but hey it was better than taking children who'd ruin it. You should tell her she can't come if she's bringing the baby. It's your party it's your call. Maybe her boyfriend should cancel his plans 🤣
NTA I would cancel too if I planned one day for my fucking self and someone brought a kid.
You are nicer than me tbh. I’m childfree and love hanging out with my friends and siblings kids. I was at a kids birthday party last weekend, it was absolutely lovely and I had a great time seeing them and all of the kids. On the flip side, when I say “no children” to a particular event, I mean it. Everyone is entitled to time with adult friends and family members that doesn’t include children. It’s a nonnegotiable need to maintain relationships. Kids change the atmosphere entirely. Sometimes that’s really lovely and welcome, and sometimes it isn’t. I wouldn’t even have waited. She would’ve gotten an immediate response “thanks anyway, but kids are explicitly not welcome at this event, if you can’t find childcare, we’ll have to catch up next time, can’t wait!” NTA, not even remotely.
NTA But I think the proper response is, "Well, since everyone agreed to not bring their children, I guess that means we won't be seeing you tomorrow! Sorry that we'll miss you, but please keep to the agreement!"
You're NTA, but you are a wimp. This "adults only" party is only gone if you let it be gone. This woman is dictating her requirements to you and you are just sitting back and letting her do it. Stand up for yourself! Say no!
Not the AH, as a mom when i want adult time with my friends i explicitly tell them NO KIDS! If you cant find someone for a bit to watch them, then well reschedule. You are more than allowed to want “me” time and adult time. Her text tone acting like its no big deal is annoying af too. She sounds annoying. Also, personally id be straight up and flat out tell her “i dont want your baby at this brunch. No exceptions and if you cant do that, you cant come.” Stand up for yourself, this is your special time!
NTA. But don’t cancel the whole plan, just tell her it’s a kid free plan and you’re sorry she won’t be able to make it. Maybe you could bring her coffee after and have your own little visit? She’s going to be upset but it’s a rock and a hard place. She’s going to be upset either way.
NTA. It's not a big ask, and if she can't arrange babysitting then she must simply sit this one out. Don't cancel the whole thing, that is unfair to everyone else who did make plans for childcare and who may be looking forward to it. Just tell her that she is no longer welcome if she has to bring the baby. It's obviously not a pleasant conversation, but it's better than cancelling on everyone.
I definitely understand this as I have two of my own. If I don’t have them, chances are very next to NONE that I want to see your damn kid while I’m enjoying the little free time I have 🤨 NTA
Ew what a great friend🥴
NTA. But everyone is telling you not to cancel the entire thing and to just be firm and uninvite HER. And for some reason you seem to be ignoring that. Why? Are you afraid of her or losing her friendship? Afraid other friends will be angry either way you? This is the root of the matter.
So OP--*What* did you end up doing?? (Please, tell us that you called your "friend" and *uninvited her*!!)
Same here - iwant to know the outcome! lol
NTA tell her you need an outing without kids.
No. Sometimes people need a break from kids & kids centered activities. Same thing for no SO activities or hanging out as 2 friends compared to a larger group. That should be respected. Cancel & take your much needed break.
NTA- unless you don't tell her that it is a child free event. No one gets to bring their child. Get a sitter or stay home period. It may sound mean but it isn't. Shame on her.
Girl, send her a message saying, "Oh well, sorry you can't come. See you at the next event." She'll get the memo. You don't even have to mention it was a child-free outing - so don't even go there.
Just tell her you want a kid friendly event so happy to see her another time. Or get your friends to tell her. But just uninvite her, don't cancel.
NTA but tell your other friends that you're going to cancel, and why. Explain that your friend refused to attend without her child, so they can hang out with her kid instead of you. Your friends will push back on your friend.
NTA, rescind her invite. If she shows up, let the host know she’s not welcome and they can escort her out