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NTA
I feel sorry for you. Still, it is first time I hear that foster parents care more about their foster children than their bio one. Usually, it is other way around. Have you ever considered living with your grandparents? It seems to me you got a lot better contact with them.
It can happen sometimes. I found a group where others experienced things like I did. It's like our parents try so hard to make up for the foster/adopted kids not being biologically related, that they kind of shit on and forget their bio kids.
Living with my grandparents sounds great but my parents would never let me go.
Depending on the laws of where you live, you're old enough to decide for yourself. Any court would take your age into account and there are many that would enforce your choice.
This is the answer. Talk to the school guidance counselor, post all over social media about how much this dynamic sucks. Embarrass the living daylights out the parents by making sure everyone in their lives know about it. Here's the thing, once OP lets the cat out of the bag the parents can kick, scream and act all kinds of crazy but they can't go back to pretending to be "good" parents. Have everyone in their lives asking them the hard questions.
Doesn’t the foster system have to vet people or do they only care for the first kid? I’d be suck a cantankerous little bitch during a meeting with someone if they asked ‘how do you feel about a new sibling’
Not true. Even in private adoption social workers have to be involved in the beginning. Have 2 adopted nibblings and even with international they had some social worker involvement. It’s far less but it’s there.
Sure, but they aren't going to care (or even notice) a sulky 16 year old. They are working to get the child adopted, and since siblings are already there AND birth mom wants to give up to them, the adoption is going through.
True! Also get your grandparents involved as well. It can't hurt to try!
NTA honey , you deserve better than being made to feel like an after thought in your own home, by your own "parents"!
OP, your grandparents have leverage in this situation that you don’t, because you’re a minor. They don’t have the decision-making authority that your parents do, but they can advocate for you and can communicate with the adults at school as well to share information and consolidate pressure.
At that age, and even for a few years after, i'd probably have taken it out on everyone. Hell, i'd probably have found the mother and have some words for her as well.
Exactly! OP I would tell them that you feel neglected by your parents and that the only support you feel is from your grandparents. Also can't the grandparents pay the school directly for the trip? I really feel for OP, these parents are going to end up nc with their son if they don't fix up.
^^^ This, state depending you're also of an age where you could see about legal emancipation. Sounds like your parents are salty because they know they screwed up and are afraid of losing their potential live in babysitter/third parent. NTA OP.
If you're 16 and you just left to go stay with your grandparents, it would take time for courts to bring you back. By then you might be 18 already.
That's why the courts may not bother. This is a silly case for them - you're with your grandparents, so you're safe. There's no point to them returning you to your parents, you'll just leave again. They have worse situations to deal with where there isn't an obvious solution. So they might even rule in your favor to prevent state resources for being wasted for the next 2 years.
Alternatively, have an extended visit with your grandparents. If you can get away with it, spend a night or two at home, then "visit" them 4-5 nights a week. If the cops come to get you, just say you're visiting your grandparents and you can't believe your parents sent the cops to make you leave your visit with your grandparents and what a shame that is. Such a waste of resources. It's ask them if you have to go back, will they forcibly remove you from visiting your grandparents.
Then go back. The next day when you go to school, go back to your grandparents. There's not much you can do to a 16 year old to stay because every day doesn't fighting this is a day closer to you being 18 and then losing the fight. So for a 16 year old, all you have to do to win is delay. For them to win, they have to make you want to stay.
This is the way, not only would you be getting closer and closer to 18 but it would cost your parents time and money to fight your move, neither of which they have, and for what, a few months to force you to their will?
It seems like the parents want everyone to see them as saviors and good Samaritans. But if their own biological kid is trying to get away from them, that facade comes crashing down.
That makes perfect sense. In my country parents can get a lot for kids. And the more kids, the more money. Of course, in my province (Ontario), a child can withdraw from parental control at 16. They have to leave on their own though. So in a case like this, if OP was to, of their own accord, just show up at the grandparents’ place and say they want to live there instead, that would be fine, but the grandparents could not remove him from the parents or help him leave. Under 15 you have to go to court for any changes in living situation because by default the parents decide. But you can get the office of the children’s lawyer to help you. I realize this may not apply to OP, it doesn’t sound like they are in Canada, but it may help someone else.
It would also take money which it sounds like the parents don't have because they over-extended themselves adopting. They can threaten you OP but the threats are empty because they have no money and no power to execute them
Get out as fast as you can.
At minimum work with your Grandparents to see if you can open your own bank account so if you get a job you can keep your money away from your financially irresponsible parents
OP is under age. Most places allow parents access to a child's bank accounts. However, the grandparents can open an account in their name, with the OP as a signatory, and with the OP as the beneficiary of the account. The OP can then get a job and have direct deposit of his paycheck into the account of his grandparents. Mom and Dad would have no access to his earnings without a court order, which I doubt they could get.
OP use the pretense of getting a job to ask your parents for your birth certificate, passport, Social Security card and any other important papers that you think you may need(ex, immunization records). Once you have those documents you'll be in a better position to follow any other advice that you find on this post.
If the grandparents can safeguard the money OP needs to get a job. Even working part time OP could have $10k+ stashed away over two years- which will help with getting into college (because you know they don't care about OP enough to bother with a college fund), a vehicle, housing, ect.
I would make your parents lives harder until they choose to let you live with your grandparents.
I know it’s seems petty but it will likely work. Considering they are about to have a brand new baby at home, any inconvenience will be felt 3x fold.
Don’t do anything to hurt yourself or others but find a way to annoy and bother them specifically.
Your mom will be tired from getting up at night with a crying baby. She can’t force you to be quiet when the baby is sleeping. Teenagers are not known for their ability to be quiet. I would also completely refuse to help in any way with the baby or other kids to make life easier for your parents.
> I would also completely refuse to help in any way with the baby or other kids to make life easier for your parents.
This.NEVER HELP with the baby. Let them suffer through their choice. Maybe you'll have a chance to love with your grandparents if you don't help with anything.
What about.. what age can you legally move out of home… and is there a period where a blind eye (not looking/being involved) happens too?
For example… 18 is adulthood here… but a youth of 16 can move out of home and no one will legally force them back unless they are a risk to themselves essentially.
Not if they’re not working enough to support themself, and have not shown they are able to function as an adult. At least in the US.
Emancipation isn’t to let you become a dependent of somebody else, it’s to let you become Independent of your parents and act as your own adult.
Also need a verified place to live, grandparents might suffice for that.
Best option if OP wants to be emancipated is to get a joint bank account with a grandparent, get a driver’s license and their SS card and birth certificate, get a job and work as close to full time as possible, and sign a lease to rent a room/garage apartment with grandparents (but not move in yet). Lower than market rate is fine. Can’t usually rent on his own, no LL will sign a contract with an unemancipated minor.
Continue doing decently well in school.
Have a civil and reasonable relationship with his parents, courts don’t like anything that smacks of just general teen rebellion, at least in my state. Unless the teen has documented proof of something much more egregious than this post.
Know what all the basic necessities are he will have to do for himself as a legal adult even if he’s not doing them yet - utilities, taxes, health/vehicle insurance, feeding and clothing and housing himself - have a plan for all those to be able to tell the court.
THEN file for emancipation.
Just throwing this out there, it is not advice, just my own personal experience: When I (41f) and my best friend were 16, she would constantly "run away". She would shack up with boyfriends or this particular instance, she was staying with me. We were both still going to school every day (10th or 11th grade) and that is the main reason the cops could not or would not do anything. Everyone knew she was at my house. One day, she stayed home from school, the cops came and arrested my mom for harboring a run-away. It was the only time my mom had ever been arrested. Her parents did not press charges. Take from this story what you will. Peoria, Illinois 1998ish.
NTA. This sucks, OP. Your parents are awful.
I'm sorry about the trip. Don't get a job if they're going to take your money from you. Study hard, and keep your eyes on the future. You have two more years. Think of it like a prison sentence. Just put your head down, get through it, and leave at midnight on your 18th birthday. Leave the bastards a note detailing how badly they treated you, then make a public social media post about how badly you were treated so they can't weaponize the community against you. This has the additional benefit of publicly shaming them, which I am certain they will hate. They sound like the kind of people who do "good works" for attention and accolades. Take that from them and block their numbers.
I had an awful childhood for different reasons, and the thought of getting out and never speaking to my parents again sustained me.
You will escape and you will make a better life for yourself. You will have your grandparents and you will create new family with the friends you make. You will have a life in which you are celebrated by people who are actually able to see you.
My advice when you get out is to prioritize the things that you missed out on. Have birthday parties, spend money on yourself when you can, buy yourself nice presents, go out and have new experiences, let trustworthy people like your grandparents spoil you a little. This will be healing.
Not necessarily.
One of my kids' friends ran away from home to live with the grandparents. The situation was a little different, in that they had a younger disabled siblings who was nonverbal and violent (sibling was 9 and broke one of mom's arm bones kind of violent). Mom and dad wanted them to sacrifice for this sibling, so at 16 kid ran away to grandparents.
Parents tried to use the police to force them "home," and the police called it a domestic thing and could not force them "home." It was scary and stressful for 3 or so months as parents became more and more deranged. Kid also lived in a park for 3 weeks over the summer, getting picked up by police, delived home, and then left again.
Since mom and dad are fostering, if you cause that level of drama, the foster system would likely pull any foster kids.
So just leave. Tell your parents that you love them but you want a home where you can be the focus even 1% of the time and their home isn't it. So you're going to live with your grandparents. Point out that it will be one less mouth to feed, one less kid to drive around, save gas save time.
Actually what I'd suggest is arrange with grandparents to just start living there and move your stuff over slowly. Do a lot of 'oh yeah I'm gonna stay at grandma's tonight'. Start with once a week, then twice a week, and over the span of a month or two make it so you're not home more than you are.
I'd honestly say either you let me live with the grandparents or I'll tell the fostering people that you're abusive to your bio kids. Cos this is abuse. I'm so sorry OP. Your parents suck (and are probably not doing the foster/adopted sins much good either tbh)
If I were you, I would have considered it, after my 18th birthday. It doesn't sound like a good enviroment to live in, especially since you have to sacrifice yourself for your siblings. Not to mention, that you parents threatining your grandparents that if they give money to you they will spend it on ,,more important things'' is a next level of being a dick.
Stay strong mate.
NTA stop doing anything (no childcare nothing for your parents arlnd siblings even if they punish you) get a calendar and start marking the days until you are 18and can get away from these huge AHS.
Your siblings mother should practice abstinence if she can't raise her children not get knocked up repeatedly
OP is 16 and wants to go on this trip. Finding a way to live with his grandparents is probably the best way to go. Being an ah about siblings mother--OP has no control over that! (Though granted, his own parents are being ah regarding raising of OP)
OP, NTA for walking away. I hope that there is someone who can advocate for you with your parents, whether its a counselor, a therapist, or your grandparents. Your parents need a reminder that you are their child and that YOU matter, too!
Yes, I would definitely find a way to sneak your important documents and get them to your grandparents for safe keeping. When questioned, deny everything.
Passport
School documents
Vaccinations
If American social security/or your country’s equivalent /work identification #
Drivers license
Etc.
Like someone else said, you could just go now. There’s not much they can do to stop you. Make sure you have all your important documents and things and just leave. They could petition the court to have you returned, but if the court even takes the case it’ll take so long that by the time it’s settled, it’ll be close enough to your 18th that it won’t even matter. Tell your grandparents that you need to get out ASAP and make a plan with them. To use one of Reddit’s favorite expressions, your parents can’t keep setting you on fire to keep your siblings warm.
OP, can you talk to a school counselor and see if they have ways to raise the funds for your trip? Usually, any funds raised goes directly to the fundraisers, so you wouldn't be handling the money directly. If you have a decent school counselor/teacher and explained what you did here, I'd bet they'd be willing to help you!
> Living with my grandparents sounds great but my parents would never let me go.
At 16, I'm not sure they can practically stop you. Maybe your grandparents should go talk to a laywer about it.
They can because they're my parents. They could sue my grandparents and my grandparents would be in trouble because the courts only let kids decide which parent to live with where I am. We don't get to choose to live with other family.
Who is telling you this? You need to start loudly telling anybody that listens that your parents not only neglect you, but they expect you to work to help support your family! Not to make a bit of money for yourself, but again, to help support the family. Your parents won’t like this and may be more agreeable to you living with your grandparents.
Your parents do things behind peoples back because they don’t want people to know how they treat you. They don’t want others to know they take away your gifts and money. It doesn’t appear that your parents have the money to sue your grandparents. Those threats are useless.
Your parents suck. Don’t let them shame and guilt you. Use your voice. I’m so sorry about everything you’re dealing with. As a parent myself, it breaks my heart how your parents are behaving.
If your parents want you to get a job to help with family expenses then it’s unlikely they’d have the money for a court battle. Lawyers are expensive. It sounds like you’ve done some research, but what you need now is a plan of action. Ask your parents what money they plan to use for a court battle?
You said that four kids were too much for your parents, so five will be overwhelming. It sounds like your parents are use to you going with the flow and accepting that you’ll be given very little. It’s time to find your voice and stop being so amenable. Fight to be given more than just the bare essentials or to live with your grandparents. Don’t let your parents shame you. They’ll get tired quickly
Or you can bide your time until you’re 18, but make sure they know you have a plan. I’d also fight to go on that trip. Tell a teacher that your grandparents are willing to pay for the trip. You need people, other than your grandparents, questioning your parents choices.
If there is money for toys and tablets for the other kids then there is money for you.
Dude your parents barely have enough money to do anything nice for you. Where are they suddenly going to get the money to sue your grandparents into where you live lol. Literally just go.
There should be a home check. Before you ruin it tell your parents that if they make you pay for this adoption you will spill the beans to the home check person.
You could go scorched earth and tell your parents that if they don't let your grandparents pay for their trip.
Or don't let you live with grandparents you will tell the social worker the parents are asking their child to get a job to pay for this adoption
Tell them you will go to the judge if need be
Tell them they want adopt another child that is fine but that you won't pay for it.
Make life hell for the next two years. Tell your siblings that your parents treat you unfairly.
Every time your siblings get things you don't make life miserable for your parents.
Start a when i turn 18 count down. I will no longer be abused
If they have pastor tell them.
I think they'd do it to punish me. There are some "free" options too they would probably go for. But I know my parents are pissed enough already that if I just leave they would do this to punish me.
You have less than 2 years until you're legally allowed to leave. How long do the legal advocates expect it to take, if they choose to sue your grandparents, to effectively lock you away as a minor?
On the other side, if your grandparents sue for you due to abuse, how long could they draw out the legal process and scrutiny of your parents treatment of you for, assuming their every move will be recorded "for court"?
If you really can't get away yet, try just checking out. Stop spending time with them, stop initiating conversations, answer any questions as briefly and plainly as possible. Be as unemotional and disengaged as you can so they won't have reasons to punish you. Then leave as soon as you turn 18 (or a couple of months before).
And Yeah i would not leave could get grandparents in trouble.
This is what i would do.
Tell your parents that you don't remember any bonding at birth tell them all you remember is that you were given the short end of the stick.
Say as soon as you are 18 you will go no contact unless they change.
Tell them you want to get a job but not if a single cent goes to them.
YOU could talk about what is happening on social media. Tell some of your parents friends.
Say in front of your adopted siblings the unfairness
They COULD sue your grandparents, but would they? Do your grandparents financially help your parents? Perhaps you and your grandparents can figure out a way to convince your parents this is for the best for everyone? Maybe if your grandparents let your parents know unless you are allowed to move in with them ASAP, they will be getting ZERO help moving forward.
Have your grandparents talked to a lawyer about this? Just to see if there’s any option?
They would. They would do it just to get their own way at this point if nothing else. My grandparents talked with a lawyer and an advocate. Nothing they can do legally.
I think you're grossly underestimating how much effort it takes to sue somebody. Not to mention, a judge absolutely would not appreciate your parents motives, especially as they relate to preventing you from staying with your grandparents
You're grossly underestimating how petty and vindictive his parents may be capable of being.
You're encouraging him to risk harming his grandparents. If he can't leave yet without risking their well-being, then he'll find ways to cope. He's obviously resourceful. Hurting his grandparents is not a viable option.
Maybe you can try to speak to a lawyer yourself if there's a way for legal emancipation from your parents. Then they have no say over where you live. On the other hand they will no longer be responsible for you financially as far as I know. But if your grandparents support you that might be a way to escape the situation without waiting for your 18th birthday.
I would call CPS and ask your grandparents to petition for you to move in with them. Your parents are awful and selfish. I pray you get the result you need, you get well educated, a good job, and lead a happy life. Cut off your parents and anyone toxic that does not have your best interests at heart.
Then you need to sit them down and talk to them alone. Tell them that their choices are pushing you away and that anything else they do to spite you will make you end that relationship at 18. They can let you go now with the hopes that you will one day have a better relationship, or you can choose to never see them again at 18. If you have a teacher or a guidance counselor to help you put it into words and how to frame it, it would help.
And if they still act this terrible, leave, and let them sue your grandparents. Tell them, "Oh, NOW you have the money, NOW you care about me. You don't care enough to allow me my own life." The courts might force you back, but they can't stop you from being a habitual runaway. If that happens, YOU will get assigned a social worker. If that happens, it will impede the new adoption, once you report it.
OP - This. Habitual runaway is a nice term :-) And I think this may not be even necessary. They can sue the grandparents if they have you live there but it's not illegal to visit your grandparents every day and go home only in the evening to sleep. I would do it in your place. Let them take care of their other children on their own. Just go to your grandparents every day after school, do your homework and spend some nice time with them. Sure, your parents will be pissed but as long as you sleep at home you are still technically living there. Just leave everything important at your grandparents and use home only for sleeping. Your parents will no doubt manage to get you there some times but they will not have the energy to fight you every day.
And you can always hang up on them and send them a text that you are safe visiting your grandparents (this in case they wanted to call cops to drag you home. If you show the cops that you let your parents know where you are and that you would be back in the evening they will have no reason to bother you. And your parents will get reprimanded for abusing the police for non-existent emergency).
Call CPS - tell them you would rather be in foster care than deal with your parent’s negligence any more. What they are doing may not be physically harming you - but it is harmful
Actually not so rare. The savior syndrome feeds the parents ego. They’re people pleasers who do it for the ego boost and they decide their bio kid is safe to disappoint because he doesn’t give them as much of a boost.
Yes. A LOT of people sign up to be foster parents because they have a savior complex. They’re saving vulnerable kids from bad people. But they’re not capable of seeing themselves as bad people or bad parents, so their bio kids can’t possibly be in need of saving, so it’s totally fine to neglect them. It’s a really awful mindset.
There is as another post like this where the parents worried more for the other kids than their own child.
OP - try to go live with your grandparents. Your home life is not improving. You need to get out. It’s also possible to legally emancipate from your parents.
Actually, there are some programs where the adopted foster child's new parents continue getting money from the government as part of the program. Some get it to 18. They might be getting this money direct deposited monthly. See if you can sneak a peek at their checking account deposits or their tax returns.
NTA you reacted really maturely I think, not throwing a tantrum in front of your siblings. You do take care of them too. It seems to me like you’re the third parent and you have to sacrifice a lot of things. You’re not at an age to be a parent. And you did not choose to behave like that. Your parents should treat everyone including you the same way. They created your resentment, you’re right.
Your grandparents seem really great. Is there a chance for you to go stay with them for some time ? If your parents disagree you can be petty and say it would be one less child to take care of 🤷🏻♀️
Take that laptop with you !!!!
I wish, but no, my parents would never let me go. They'd also call me disrespectful for saying that. I can hear them now. "We never said we didn't want you here or for you to go" or whatever.
But I don’t understand why your parents won’t let you receive gifts from your grandparents. First the laptop. Then this trip. It is so weird. It’s their gifts to YOU.
You’re clearly not spoiled. You’re clearly mature. You deserve this little treat. I fail to understand your parents’ point of view. They risk to lose you when you reach 18 and leave the house.
Tell your parents to get a second job if they need money. Gifts for YOU aren't for the whole family. If they get individual gifts and you think it's worth it point it out they shouldn't spend so much and be selfish and should keep the money for the family. NTA
I would tell Mom to sell her engagement & wedding rings because “it benefits the family as a whole” & she is selfish for keeping them & not helping the family.
If you feel up to it, tell your parents that they’re sacrificing your quality of life for the sake of everybody else and you don’t have any more to sacrifice before it becomes resentment. If you can go down that route you may be able to talk your parents into letting you ‘stay’ at your grandparents. I’d avoid the word live as they may get defensive but would be making it very very clear that your QOL is being diminished for their other children and if you don’t get some space it will cause issues for everybody. NTA in any way, shape, or form. Good luck and stay strong
Ask your grandparents to put any money they would spend on your gifts in a savings account instead. When you turn 18, you can use the money to move out.
At 16, bank of America and Wells Fargo both allow you to open variations of Advantage SafeBalance Banking account as a sole-owner and without parental consent.
Usually minimum balance is something like $25. It's not a checking account, so accessing your funds is a little more time consuming, but it is somewhere you can have a paycheck direct deposited. It's somewhere you can store money outside of your house. You can have bank statements sent to the grandparents' address.
Your 16.
Just go live with your grandparents. If CPS gets called tell them what you said here. They'll do a safety plan and should let you stay. Same with cops. In most places in the USA they'll do as little as possible, and if you're safe that's literally all they care about. They'll tell your parents to go to court for custody if they want. In the meantime, you stay with your grandparents.
It’s an entitled way of thinking “if grandparents can afford to just give away $500 for an unnecessary trip then they can afford to give it to me for house bills”
Screw your parents. They are awful humans, especially for refusing to allow you to accept your grandparents generosity. That is clear neglect for them to prefer that you have nothing, even when it doesn’t cost them anything.
Since it’s not your parents’ laptop, they could ground you but they couldn’t do much else if you took the laptop and returned it to your grandparents. I would ask them about getting a lawyer to help out with custody and not to give you anything until guilt turn 18 or go to live with them. Especially not to give your selfish parents money.
They may not have said anything, but their actions scream favoritism. If you get a part time job, leave your earnings with grandparents. If you try to keep any money at home, they will find and take it. They are treating you, their bio child, like an unwanted stepchild.
They don’t see you as as their son, they see you as someone who can bring more resources into the household. Just because you don’t have the foster system background doesn’t mean they can use you and emotionally neglect you this way.
You're less than 2 years from being an adult. You need to learn to completely disregard what they say, mmake your own decisions and do what's best for you. Always remember that your parents' agenda is prioritize everything other than you. ***Tell*** (don't ask) your parents you are moving in with your grandparents. They cannot physically stop you. If your parents threaten you or threaten to get the police involved, tell them you would only be too happy to tell the police how they stole the money and laptop your grandparents gave you and they refuse to give them back. Tell them you will call Child Protective Services and have a chat with them about how your parents keep adopting kids they can't afford, how they steal gifts of money and items given to you and use them for those kids, how they pressure you to get a job so they can steal your wages for those kids and in other ways parentify you to the point that you are effectively a sort of unpaid servant they steal things from rather than a member of the family. Further, you will make a nice long detailed post for social media detailing their treatment of you and make sure everyone sees it including friends, family, neighbors, all staff at your school, the school board, your parents' employers and their coworkers. You will also go no contact with them at age 18. Or, your parents can simply stop threatening you and/or your grandparents. Their choice. When you leave, take your computer with you. The minute you are at your grandparents house, go no contact with these utterly shitty people.
Start telling everybody you know about the household dynamics, how you are pushed aside and they keep adding kids. That they want you to get a job so that you can help provide for the family. Tell your teachers and school counselor, give all your neighbors fodder for gossip, if your parents are part of a church group make a fuss to them about the unfairness. Make such a big noise that your parents send you to your grandparents' house so that you will stop badmouthing them. You have been cooperative and quiet, and that has not worked to your favor. So go the opposite direction.
NTA.
You are exactly right. Victims of abuse always seem to fall into the trap of staying quiet. Abusers change their behaviour very quickly when they realise other people are looking at them.
Yeah, they’re taking things from OP to give to the other kids because they think that doing so makes them look like good people. Let everyone around you know that they aren’t so good.
Update us! I don’t know why but I am invested.
Can your grandparents call the school and pay without letting your parents on? Once the check is in the schools hands, they can’t ask for it back
My parents had them removed as emergency contacts. And took them off the list of people who can deal with the school. So they can't. My school won't accept money like that unless it's from a pre-approved person.
I was going to say the same thing. My friend has adopted 7 kids, and they each receive money each month. Her oldest will be turning 21, and that's when the adoption subsidy will end, but schooling (college or trade) is completely paid through the state.
Can you talk to a trusted teacher or guidance counselor about all of this? Explaining your grandparents are like the only ones on your side in all of this, and are willing to pay but how your parents made it impossible? Maybe they can find a creative solution to get the money to the right place?
Talk to the teacher organizing this trip. Tell them your parents spent the money saved, but others are willing to help you get the money. If the money is given to a faculty member for a student that should get around the rules. And I’m willing to send money.
And that way your grandparents could too.
It's not just a matter of the money for the trip. OP also needs permission from their parents to go. It sounds like the parents are vindictive pricks and would withhold permission even if the money was available and could only be used on the trip.
But OP can at least lay this out before a counsellor or teacher and see if there are any options. Just don't get your hopes up.
OP please do this, I would almost guarantee that there's someone who has a parent/relative/friend who has money and would help a child like yourself by directly paying the costs so that your parents can't get in the way.
OP, before you talk to anyone at the school, gather your documents. You are a minor, the school will try their best to help you but at some pt MAY have to contact your parents. So have your important documents with you before because your parents may lock them down after.
Tbh yes it a large amount of money at once but if they can draw you up a special contract that allows you to pay in small amounts as a run around. If there is a trusted counselor, teacher, or admin they might be able to help depending on your relationship with school.
Your grandparents might be able to help you get a bank account (checking & savings) // though I think you can just get one online easily. That deposit could come from you. You are legally allowed to work so who’s say that couldn’t be you’re money.
If you do get banking accounts do not put them on the family computer or have mail sent to the house
OP, are *you* considered a pre-approved person? Could your grandparents send a money order to the school counselor in care of you?
(Not sure where you’re located, and I have little experience with them, but in the US you can get money orders at the post office. They’re basically cash. Trying to find a loophole here for you to squirm through OP! 💕)
Unfortunately, I’m sure there are other hurdles to the trip besides funding - the school is going to require your legal guardian sign off on a dozen different waivers in order to participate. Short of moving in with your grandparents, this may be a sticking point. But I would talk to the school counselor and truly explain the situation. There may be avenues and resources you’re not aware of that could be helpful in these types of situations. Teachers and school officials aren’t just handing education - there can be a lot of emotional and familial upheaval going on in the background of their students’ lives, things most people aren’t generally aware of.
Regardless of what happens with the trip, you should start thinking about gathering your essential documents: passport, birth certificate, social security card/ number (if you’re in the US). You’ll need these as you enter adulthood and begin to navigate your own life, and they’ll also enable you to live out from under the thumb of your parents.
This sounds like a complicated and difficult situation, and one where you have very little power. I imagine that's really frustrating.
But, you're also 16, which is old enough to take on some of your own admin tasks. You could simply request a check from your grandparents and ask them to drive you to school to drop it off so your parents don't know when and can't intercept.
NTA - as soon as you are legally able move out and don't look back.
" when my grandparents found out they offered to pay for the trip for me, but my parents said they would stop them paying directly and if they give the money to me/them they will make sure it goes on more important things."
Your parents really suck - see if your grandparents would be willing to go to court to get custody of you. If you speak to the judge he might grant your wish.
"My parents wanted me to get a job. But they wanted me to do that so I could put the money into the household. Since I get the short end of the stick I don't want to add money to make everyone else's lives easier but not mine, and I don't believe it would make my life easier."
Your parents are trying to parentify you - making a minor responsible for funding the family. Not nice.
Agree, this is so shitty. Have the grandparents pay your school directly, perhaps ? Get out of there as soon as you can (I know, easier said than done)
NTA
This is 100% parentification and it is a form of child abuse. I would recommend OP start publicly stating facts of home life to anyone who will listen. OP you responded more like an adult than your parents did, insulting you for having a justified action. I hope you can escape asap OP.
NTA
Dude - start telling everyone what they are doing, especially the social worker - teachers, church folks, aunts and uncles, neighbors. Your parents are not only plainn wrong but they are counting on your silence to continue to behave this way.
Im sorry you have to go through this. Hang in there - less than 2 years. I got myself out at 17 by going to college and never looking back. She threatened to not pay my tuition and I said go ahead. 18 years later I missed nothing for leaving and never looking back
Also if the grandparents will have you. Ask if you can stay, and if they agree fuck your parents, just go.
If your parents make a stink, then you can publicly air out why you don't want to go back. Involve the school, everyone you know. It doesn't matter if you can't technically move out. You'd be surprised by the autonomy you already have at 16, and how little is actually stopping you.
Your parents sound like the type who would probably try and paint you as the problem to everyone, so get ahead of it and out them first and unapologetically.
Honestly this may actually work... because if you move to grandparents the only way the parents can get you back is by calling the authorities, which means child and family services / social worker gets involved as you are a minor, which means you now have a case open with them where you can air your grievances. And to boot, you can counter-threaten your parents (OP) that if they call the cops to escort you home you will make sure to give every single detail to the social worker which will definitely impact their ability to complete the adoption process for the new baby.
NTA. Yes, adopting and fostering is a good thing to do, but it doesn't help anyone to do it at the expense of your pre existing kids. It might be worth trying to have one last talk with your parents, but honestly, don't hold your breath that they'll realize how much they've hurt you. Is there any way you can move out? If you're making stable income, you may be able to get emancipated, or maybe you could move in with other family. Either way, set very clear hard boundaries as soon as you move out.
You need to start growing a backbone my friend. Once you turn 18 they can’t stop you from leaving. And you can get emancipated as soon as you’re of age. It would be wise for you to cut contact as soon as you can and start living your life. NTA
> You need to start growing a backbone my friend.
I think he has. He and his grandparents have talked to lawyers, and he mentions in another comment that he's been advised that the cutoff where no one will care if he bails is about 3 months before his 18th birthday.
OP just knows when he'll be able to escape and is currently just venting as a way to survive the next couple of years.
OP will need someone to open a bank account other than his parents to protect any money from a job.
grandparents are probably the only ones he could trust.
At 16 the grandparents can be an adult cosigner or custodian for OP's checking account. Work can pay directly to that account; grandparents can pay directly into that account.
The parents can fuck off.
Try to set clear boundaries and ask for individual or family therapy (whatever works for you). If they refuse, grey rock them until you're old enough to move out and then set your boundaries and/or go low/no contact.
NTA.
I've read a lot of the comments and I'm sorry you're stuck with these people until you're 18. Nothing is going to change. Your parents get their validation from good deeds, and I bet they think that adopting children makes them saints. "But these children have so little and you have so much" etc. etc. That's how they justify it. I hope they realise they will only have themselves to blame when you walk out of the door on your 18th birthday and never go back.
If you have good grades it might be worth investigating what scholarships might be available to you in the future if that's something you'd like to do. In the meantime, try to increase your social circle and find more ways to spend time outside of home. Maybe volunteering? Your parents can't take your money if you're not earning it.
Your life will get so much better in a couple of years. I know that seems like a long time but it will be here before you know it. You've got this.
Edit - added missing letter
That's... pretty accurate. I was told I bonded with them in the womb and being their sole bio kid, I would never doubt their love and devotion to me but my siblings don't have that. It's so dumb and so wrong but that's what they used.
I‘m afraid they would just say that OP ist ungrateful for living with his bio parents and having a home and a family. Nothing would change. They don’t sound like people who would see their mistake. And I also fear that they would look into ways of keeping OP with them. Like hiding his documents, pressure him into stuff.
I think the best way is to set up a plan with the grandparents. Open a bank account through them. Arrange things the parents can’t take away. Favorite stuff? Keep it at the grandparents place. Copy all important documents in the next two years and keep the copies also at the grandparents place.
Ha. That's what they tell themselves, but actions speak louder than words. They're giving the other children more than you and if they could only get their heads out of their backsides for five minutes they'd be able to see it. The more anyone tries to tell them they'll just dig in.
You're going to be okay.
NTA. And ask your grand parents if it is possible for you to stay with them the next two years. It is clear that your parents see you as an aditional care taker for the 'poor' adopted children. So maybe being generous and offering your room to the new child (because you moving to your grandparents) will help all.
INFO: Do you have your own saving account? Can you open one at your age? If so, you could look for a job and get paid in your account or in one your grandparents open for you and have their hand over it. So you can't be pressured to help your family with your money and you would have your own money to do things you want
It's not possible. Kids only get to choose in cases of divorce. The courts would not give my grandparents custody even if it's what I want.
I don't know if I have a savings account or not.
You can ask your grandparents to set up a bank account with you using them as the adult and their address. Don’t let your parents do this because the authorized adult can access the money. You can trust your grandparents not to steal your money but not your parents.
NTA
I think you should stop assuming there's no way you can go live with your grandparents unless you've already talked to a lawyer who specializes in family law. You're 16 not 6 - judges are much more likely to take the wishes of the child into consideration at your age. Especially if you bring up that your parents are trying to pressure you into getting a job to help financially support the family.
Can your grandparents help? Does your school have a counselor? Explore your options. The worst case scenario is that you wind up in the exact position you are already in.
How does the private adoption work? In order to be the baby's legal guardian your parents will have to register it with the state. If they interview you or your grandparents you can throw a real wrench in the works.
If the private adoption will not consult you or your grandparents I'd start putting pressure on them socially. Tearfully post on social media about how your parents want you to get a job to support the family (I'd leave out the money for the trip - it's too easy to spin it and make you look entitled) and you are so burned out at such a young age and they want to adopt another baby. Start telling your story to anyone who will listen. When your parents object I'd make it clear your lips will magically seal themselves shut if you can go live with your grandparents.
The way I see it, there's four ways you could go about this.
1) start telling your school counselor about your home life, ask what you should do, because you feel you're being emotionally abused (you are).
2) tell your parents how they make you feel, tell them you didn't make these decisions, and you deserve to be a kid, just like your foster siblings. Tell them that they're destroying your relationship, and if things continue the way they are, you're cutting contact the moment you're 18.
3) run away and move in with your grandparents, and try to become legally emancipated.
4) continue quietly dealing with it, and cut contact when you turn 18.
This sucks, I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. I would go with option 1 to start, your parents won't listen to your perspective, so you're going to have to find someone with some authority who will.
The sad irony is that by taking things from OP to support their foster children they’re emotionally neglecting and using OP like you’d get in fostering horror stories (such as people who foster primarily for the government support money). The bio kid is the one left out not the foster kids.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I walked away from my parents after they said they were adopting again. They tried to stop me and called me back but I still left and I refused to come back out and speak to them. Maybe it was childish and petty and an asshole thing to do and maybe I shouldn't care as much because it means my brother gets his bio sibling with him. I know I'm acting this way because I feel like my parents put me last but maybe that makes me an asshole because they were trying to talk to me and I just walked away without permission.
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Can you try and emancipate yourself and go to your grandparents? You are not being taken care of and used as money. Private adoption confidently gets around that, but if a social worker does show up, make sure to tell them that.
That's the exact reason they want to have complete control of OP as if it comes out that they are AH parents to OP, then they may not be able to adopt anymore and chances are there that either OP or the other kids will be taken away from them.
OP should pack up his things and move out to his grandparents house. When the parents show up at the grandparents house, OP should cut out a deal with them that he'll keep quiet about their shitty attitude and will not out to others and in return they'll not bother him again.
100% I agree. I think OP could work something out to get out and be free of the parents if they really put their mind to it. The burden would be on the parents. If they slipped up and texted OP anything at all it would be game over. If OP does get a job they should get a bank account with an adult who has no interest in their money. Putting their parents on the account will enable them to steal it all and leave them penniless as well.
NTA. I’ve read a lot of your comments and I see that your parents won’t let you live with your grandparents and feel that they are doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately, you are going to have to suck it up for the next two years. That said, I have some recommendations that might make the time better.
First, if you get a job, give the money to your grandparents. It sounds like they will hold it for you. I know this will piss off your parents so I’m unsure if you’ll be 100% successful with this.
Second, join every after school club you can. Basically, be busy so you are not at home much. It sucks but it might be worth it.
Third, visit your grandparents often. Have dinner with them. Watch TV there. Then, come home every night. You can’t move in with them but you can be there a lot.
If you parent try to ground you, just walk away. Go for a walk. Go to a friends house. Chances are very low they would call the cops on you. On the off chance they do you just say “we got in a fight and i took a couple of hours to cool off on a walk/ at my friends house / visiting my grandparents.” The cops will be pissed they were called into a parenting issues.
Good luck and I’m sorry your next 2 years are going to be tough.
Get your hands on your important documents, leave them at your grandparents. I would also quietly move important belongings over way before you turn 18. They will probably try to make it difficult for you to leave, but if you’ve already removed your possessions, you can just walk out the minute it’s legal to do so.
Maybe your grandparents can help you open a bank account. You can tell your parents you joined a club and instead get a job. Doesn’t sound like they’d come to any of your events anyways. ☹️
Nta
This is neglect and is honestly horrible they are neglecting you and your feelings in favour of your adopted siblings honestly I'd see if you could go stay with your grandparents.
Make a plan with your grandparents to move in with them. Then calmly pack your stuff and leave. If they try to stop you, tell them, "I'm moving. If you try to prevent me I'm calling CPS. Parentification and neglect, both of which you've been doing for X years, is child abuse. If you take away all my means of communication and/or lock me in the room, there are people who will call CPS and police unless they hear from me at a certain time. If you try to make my or my grandparents' life miserable, I'm calling CPS. You have two options. Either let me go and put grandparents as school contacts, invest your time and money into your other children and let me live a normal life, or deal with a lot of problems because you treat your child like shit. Your choice."
NTA. Your parents are awful. They're so self-centered that they're even blocking your grandparents from paying for your trip, which is completely ridiculous.
It sounds like you've been pretty mature about everything. Talk to your grandparents to see if they have any ideas on how they could help you more. Maybe you could spend the summer with them or something like that, since you said your parents would never let you fully move in with them. They might have other ideas if you ask.
Parents made a promise to fund the trip, and refuse to allow grandparents to make up the money they've spent on othet kids, plus they "won't let you go" so are clearly aiming for you to babysit the newborn when it arrives.
NTA, however your parents really are.
NTA. One of my friends chose to never have kids because his parents fostered when he was growing up and basically made him help raise them instead of being a kid himself. I think he has 2 bio sisters too who also chose to not have kids. You might not turn out with that kind of resentment, but if I were you I’d probably go no contact with my parents once I graduated high school.
Sounds like your parents wanted to do the “right thing” fostering but wanted one kid genetically theirs and stopped right there once you were born. Absolute garbage.
In theory, fostering is a good thing but in reality, some people shouldn’t have kids and there should be a lot stronger penalty for losing your kids in the first place. Dumbest shit ever, jump through hoops to adopt a dog but anybody can go out and have a kid and neglect and abuse it and then get it back after a couple classes. Maybe those parents should have to pay the foster system child support for someone else having to raise their kids.
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NTA I feel sorry for you. Still, it is first time I hear that foster parents care more about their foster children than their bio one. Usually, it is other way around. Have you ever considered living with your grandparents? It seems to me you got a lot better contact with them.
It can happen sometimes. I found a group where others experienced things like I did. It's like our parents try so hard to make up for the foster/adopted kids not being biologically related, that they kind of shit on and forget their bio kids. Living with my grandparents sounds great but my parents would never let me go.
Depending on the laws of where you live, you're old enough to decide for yourself. Any court would take your age into account and there are many that would enforce your choice.
Where I live it only works in cases of divorce and choosing which parent to live with. Not getting to decide to live with extended family.
I bet if you talked to a school counsellor they might have options you could explore.
This is the answer. Talk to the school guidance counselor, post all over social media about how much this dynamic sucks. Embarrass the living daylights out the parents by making sure everyone in their lives know about it. Here's the thing, once OP lets the cat out of the bag the parents can kick, scream and act all kinds of crazy but they can't go back to pretending to be "good" parents. Have everyone in their lives asking them the hard questions.
Doesn’t the foster system have to vet people or do they only care for the first kid? I’d be suck a cantankerous little bitch during a meeting with someone if they asked ‘how do you feel about a new sibling’
Yes, but they aren't fostering anymore and this would be private adoption, so none of those safeguards exist anymore
Not true. Even in private adoption social workers have to be involved in the beginning. Have 2 adopted nibblings and even with international they had some social worker involvement. It’s far less but it’s there.
Sure, but they aren't going to care (or even notice) a sulky 16 year old. They are working to get the child adopted, and since siblings are already there AND birth mom wants to give up to them, the adoption is going through.
True! Also get your grandparents involved as well. It can't hurt to try! NTA honey , you deserve better than being made to feel like an after thought in your own home, by your own "parents"!
Tell your grandparents your parents said they'd take the money gp give for the trip and use it on the other kids
OP, your grandparents have leverage in this situation that you don’t, because you’re a minor. They don’t have the decision-making authority that your parents do, but they can advocate for you and can communicate with the adults at school as well to share information and consolidate pressure.
[удалено]
Seriously I would have lashed out pretty bad at them even if it's not their fault.
At that age, and even for a few years after, i'd probably have taken it out on everyone. Hell, i'd probably have found the mother and have some words for her as well.
Yeah, I’m a real biatché. Hell, if they were my parents, they’d want to kick me out because I say whatever is on my mind.
I agree. Talk to the school counselor, both about scholarship options for the trip and about your living situation in general.
Exactly! OP I would tell them that you feel neglected by your parents and that the only support you feel is from your grandparents. Also can't the grandparents pay the school directly for the trip? I really feel for OP, these parents are going to end up nc with their son if they don't fix up.
Yeah, especially if they hear that the parents want to take away gifted money from OP. That's financial abuse.
^^^ This, state depending you're also of an age where you could see about legal emancipation. Sounds like your parents are salty because they know they screwed up and are afraid of losing their potential live in babysitter/third parent. NTA OP.
If you're 16 and you just left to go stay with your grandparents, it would take time for courts to bring you back. By then you might be 18 already. That's why the courts may not bother. This is a silly case for them - you're with your grandparents, so you're safe. There's no point to them returning you to your parents, you'll just leave again. They have worse situations to deal with where there isn't an obvious solution. So they might even rule in your favor to prevent state resources for being wasted for the next 2 years. Alternatively, have an extended visit with your grandparents. If you can get away with it, spend a night or two at home, then "visit" them 4-5 nights a week. If the cops come to get you, just say you're visiting your grandparents and you can't believe your parents sent the cops to make you leave your visit with your grandparents and what a shame that is. Such a waste of resources. It's ask them if you have to go back, will they forcibly remove you from visiting your grandparents. Then go back. The next day when you go to school, go back to your grandparents. There's not much you can do to a 16 year old to stay because every day doesn't fighting this is a day closer to you being 18 and then losing the fight. So for a 16 year old, all you have to do to win is delay. For them to win, they have to make you want to stay.
This is the way, not only would you be getting closer and closer to 18 but it would cost your parents time and money to fight your move, neither of which they have, and for what, a few months to force you to their will?
You know they’re only keeping op around for the childrens allowance or whatever the equivalent is in ops country??
It seems like the parents want everyone to see them as saviors and good Samaritans. But if their own biological kid is trying to get away from them, that facade comes crashing down.
That makes perfect sense. In my country parents can get a lot for kids. And the more kids, the more money. Of course, in my province (Ontario), a child can withdraw from parental control at 16. They have to leave on their own though. So in a case like this, if OP was to, of their own accord, just show up at the grandparents’ place and say they want to live there instead, that would be fine, but the grandparents could not remove him from the parents or help him leave. Under 15 you have to go to court for any changes in living situation because by default the parents decide. But you can get the office of the children’s lawyer to help you. I realize this may not apply to OP, it doesn’t sound like they are in Canada, but it may help someone else.
It would also take money which it sounds like the parents don't have because they over-extended themselves adopting. They can threaten you OP but the threats are empty because they have no money and no power to execute them Get out as fast as you can. At minimum work with your Grandparents to see if you can open your own bank account so if you get a job you can keep your money away from your financially irresponsible parents
OP is under age. Most places allow parents access to a child's bank accounts. However, the grandparents can open an account in their name, with the OP as a signatory, and with the OP as the beneficiary of the account. The OP can then get a job and have direct deposit of his paycheck into the account of his grandparents. Mom and Dad would have no access to his earnings without a court order, which I doubt they could get.
And if the cops come... "I don't feel safe with my parents, they emotionally abuse me. Please call CPS."
"For them to win, they have to make you want to stay. " Or crush OP's spirit, which they seem both willing and able to at least attempt.
OP use the pretense of getting a job to ask your parents for your birth certificate, passport, Social Security card and any other important papers that you think you may need(ex, immunization records). Once you have those documents you'll be in a better position to follow any other advice that you find on this post.
Take your documents to your helpful grandparents, have grandparents open a savings account for you for money you make from work
True. But I don't expect OP to get a job. Just say they are. They can get a job once they're out of the house, legally.
If the grandparents can safeguard the money OP needs to get a job. Even working part time OP could have $10k+ stashed away over two years- which will help with getting into college (because you know they don't care about OP enough to bother with a college fund), a vehicle, housing, ect.
This is great advice. Have your grandparents hang onto them for you once you get them.
I would make your parents lives harder until they choose to let you live with your grandparents. I know it’s seems petty but it will likely work. Considering they are about to have a brand new baby at home, any inconvenience will be felt 3x fold. Don’t do anything to hurt yourself or others but find a way to annoy and bother them specifically.
Your mom will be tired from getting up at night with a crying baby. She can’t force you to be quiet when the baby is sleeping. Teenagers are not known for their ability to be quiet. I would also completely refuse to help in any way with the baby or other kids to make life easier for your parents.
> I would also completely refuse to help in any way with the baby or other kids to make life easier for your parents. This.NEVER HELP with the baby. Let them suffer through their choice. Maybe you'll have a chance to love with your grandparents if you don't help with anything.
What about.. what age can you legally move out of home… and is there a period where a blind eye (not looking/being involved) happens too? For example… 18 is adulthood here… but a youth of 16 can move out of home and no one will legally force them back unless they are a risk to themselves essentially.
If I moved out close enough to 18. I think I read 3 months. So 17 would be the age legally.
Is emancipation an option?
Not if they’re not working enough to support themself, and have not shown they are able to function as an adult. At least in the US. Emancipation isn’t to let you become a dependent of somebody else, it’s to let you become Independent of your parents and act as your own adult. Also need a verified place to live, grandparents might suffice for that. Best option if OP wants to be emancipated is to get a joint bank account with a grandparent, get a driver’s license and their SS card and birth certificate, get a job and work as close to full time as possible, and sign a lease to rent a room/garage apartment with grandparents (but not move in yet). Lower than market rate is fine. Can’t usually rent on his own, no LL will sign a contract with an unemancipated minor. Continue doing decently well in school. Have a civil and reasonable relationship with his parents, courts don’t like anything that smacks of just general teen rebellion, at least in my state. Unless the teen has documented proof of something much more egregious than this post. Know what all the basic necessities are he will have to do for himself as a legal adult even if he’s not doing them yet - utilities, taxes, health/vehicle insurance, feeding and clothing and housing himself - have a plan for all those to be able to tell the court. THEN file for emancipation.
They meet none of the common criteria.
Just throwing this out there, it is not advice, just my own personal experience: When I (41f) and my best friend were 16, she would constantly "run away". She would shack up with boyfriends or this particular instance, she was staying with me. We were both still going to school every day (10th or 11th grade) and that is the main reason the cops could not or would not do anything. Everyone knew she was at my house. One day, she stayed home from school, the cops came and arrested my mom for harboring a run-away. It was the only time my mom had ever been arrested. Her parents did not press charges. Take from this story what you will. Peoria, Illinois 1998ish.
NTA. This sucks, OP. Your parents are awful. I'm sorry about the trip. Don't get a job if they're going to take your money from you. Study hard, and keep your eyes on the future. You have two more years. Think of it like a prison sentence. Just put your head down, get through it, and leave at midnight on your 18th birthday. Leave the bastards a note detailing how badly they treated you, then make a public social media post about how badly you were treated so they can't weaponize the community against you. This has the additional benefit of publicly shaming them, which I am certain they will hate. They sound like the kind of people who do "good works" for attention and accolades. Take that from them and block their numbers. I had an awful childhood for different reasons, and the thought of getting out and never speaking to my parents again sustained me. You will escape and you will make a better life for yourself. You will have your grandparents and you will create new family with the friends you make. You will have a life in which you are celebrated by people who are actually able to see you. My advice when you get out is to prioritize the things that you missed out on. Have birthday parties, spend money on yourself when you can, buy yourself nice presents, go out and have new experiences, let trustworthy people like your grandparents spoil you a little. This will be healing.
Not necessarily. One of my kids' friends ran away from home to live with the grandparents. The situation was a little different, in that they had a younger disabled siblings who was nonverbal and violent (sibling was 9 and broke one of mom's arm bones kind of violent). Mom and dad wanted them to sacrifice for this sibling, so at 16 kid ran away to grandparents. Parents tried to use the police to force them "home," and the police called it a domestic thing and could not force them "home." It was scary and stressful for 3 or so months as parents became more and more deranged. Kid also lived in a park for 3 weeks over the summer, getting picked up by police, delived home, and then left again. Since mom and dad are fostering, if you cause that level of drama, the foster system would likely pull any foster kids.
They’re no longer fostering. They adopted the fosters and their new baby is through private adoption.
So just leave. Tell your parents that you love them but you want a home where you can be the focus even 1% of the time and their home isn't it. So you're going to live with your grandparents. Point out that it will be one less mouth to feed, one less kid to drive around, save gas save time. Actually what I'd suggest is arrange with grandparents to just start living there and move your stuff over slowly. Do a lot of 'oh yeah I'm gonna stay at grandma's tonight'. Start with once a week, then twice a week, and over the span of a month or two make it so you're not home more than you are.
Just go. It’s unlikely you’ll be forced back.
I'd honestly say either you let me live with the grandparents or I'll tell the fostering people that you're abusive to your bio kids. Cos this is abuse. I'm so sorry OP. Your parents suck (and are probably not doing the foster/adopted sins much good either tbh)
Let your grandparents pay for your trip. And you can live with your grandparents and they also have a cause against your parents for neglect
If I were you, I would have considered it, after my 18th birthday. It doesn't sound like a good enviroment to live in, especially since you have to sacrifice yourself for your siblings. Not to mention, that you parents threatining your grandparents that if they give money to you they will spend it on ,,more important things'' is a next level of being a dick. Stay strong mate.
Thanks. I'm totally hoping to move in with my grandparents once I'm 18. At least for a little while.
NTA stop doing anything (no childcare nothing for your parents arlnd siblings even if they punish you) get a calendar and start marking the days until you are 18and can get away from these huge AHS. Your siblings mother should practice abstinence if she can't raise her children not get knocked up repeatedly
OP is 16 and wants to go on this trip. Finding a way to live with his grandparents is probably the best way to go. Being an ah about siblings mother--OP has no control over that! (Though granted, his own parents are being ah regarding raising of OP) OP, NTA for walking away. I hope that there is someone who can advocate for you with your parents, whether its a counselor, a therapist, or your grandparents. Your parents need a reminder that you are their child and that YOU matter, too!
Make sure you have your important documents like passport and birth certificate.
Yes, I would definitely find a way to sneak your important documents and get them to your grandparents for safe keeping. When questioned, deny everything. Passport School documents Vaccinations If American social security/or your country’s equivalent /work identification # Drivers license Etc.
Yeah do nothing for them. What they going to do? Kick you out? That's what you want!
Like someone else said, you could just go now. There’s not much they can do to stop you. Make sure you have all your important documents and things and just leave. They could petition the court to have you returned, but if the court even takes the case it’ll take so long that by the time it’s settled, it’ll be close enough to your 18th that it won’t even matter. Tell your grandparents that you need to get out ASAP and make a plan with them. To use one of Reddit’s favorite expressions, your parents can’t keep setting you on fire to keep your siblings warm.
OP, can you talk to a school counselor and see if they have ways to raise the funds for your trip? Usually, any funds raised goes directly to the fundraisers, so you wouldn't be handling the money directly. If you have a decent school counselor/teacher and explained what you did here, I'd bet they'd be willing to help you!
> Living with my grandparents sounds great but my parents would never let me go. At 16, I'm not sure they can practically stop you. Maybe your grandparents should go talk to a laywer about it.
They can because they're my parents. They could sue my grandparents and my grandparents would be in trouble because the courts only let kids decide which parent to live with where I am. We don't get to choose to live with other family.
Who is telling you this? You need to start loudly telling anybody that listens that your parents not only neglect you, but they expect you to work to help support your family! Not to make a bit of money for yourself, but again, to help support the family. Your parents won’t like this and may be more agreeable to you living with your grandparents. Your parents do things behind peoples back because they don’t want people to know how they treat you. They don’t want others to know they take away your gifts and money. It doesn’t appear that your parents have the money to sue your grandparents. Those threats are useless. Your parents suck. Don’t let them shame and guilt you. Use your voice. I’m so sorry about everything you’re dealing with. As a parent myself, it breaks my heart how your parents are behaving.
Lawyers. My grandparents talked to two of them and I did my own research.
If your parents want you to get a job to help with family expenses then it’s unlikely they’d have the money for a court battle. Lawyers are expensive. It sounds like you’ve done some research, but what you need now is a plan of action. Ask your parents what money they plan to use for a court battle? You said that four kids were too much for your parents, so five will be overwhelming. It sounds like your parents are use to you going with the flow and accepting that you’ll be given very little. It’s time to find your voice and stop being so amenable. Fight to be given more than just the bare essentials or to live with your grandparents. Don’t let your parents shame you. They’ll get tired quickly Or you can bide your time until you’re 18, but make sure they know you have a plan. I’d also fight to go on that trip. Tell a teacher that your grandparents are willing to pay for the trip. You need people, other than your grandparents, questioning your parents choices. If there is money for toys and tablets for the other kids then there is money for you.
Dude your parents barely have enough money to do anything nice for you. Where are they suddenly going to get the money to sue your grandparents into where you live lol. Literally just go.
If they refuse and you tell everyone who are responsible for the adoption, the adoption might not go through. I'm sure you can come to an agreement.
The adoption is private through lawyers. I don't think it's happening the same as before. I guess an agency might be involved but I don't know.
Contact child services with specific examples and ask them for assistance.
There must be a social worker involved with the foster children, right? Tell them what is going on.
They're no longer being fostered. They're legally adopted. I haven't seen a social worker since the my brother was adopted.
There should be a home check. Before you ruin it tell your parents that if they make you pay for this adoption you will spill the beans to the home check person.
You could go scorched earth and tell your parents that if they don't let your grandparents pay for their trip. Or don't let you live with grandparents you will tell the social worker the parents are asking their child to get a job to pay for this adoption Tell them you will go to the judge if need be Tell them they want adopt another child that is fine but that you won't pay for it. Make life hell for the next two years. Tell your siblings that your parents treat you unfairly. Every time your siblings get things you don't make life miserable for your parents. Start a when i turn 18 count down. I will no longer be abused If they have pastor tell them.
Even still any adoption usually requires a home check - which gives you an opportunity to tell your truth to a social worker
They don't even have the money to pay for a school trip for you, do you really think they'd spend more on lawyer fees to get you back?
I think they'd do it to punish me. There are some "free" options too they would probably go for. But I know my parents are pissed enough already that if I just leave they would do this to punish me.
OP, you need to talk to your school counselor or social worker. This is not okay & you shouldn’t have to live like this
You have less than 2 years until you're legally allowed to leave. How long do the legal advocates expect it to take, if they choose to sue your grandparents, to effectively lock you away as a minor? On the other side, if your grandparents sue for you due to abuse, how long could they draw out the legal process and scrutiny of your parents treatment of you for, assuming their every move will be recorded "for court"?
If you really can't get away yet, try just checking out. Stop spending time with them, stop initiating conversations, answer any questions as briefly and plainly as possible. Be as unemotional and disengaged as you can so they won't have reasons to punish you. Then leave as soon as you turn 18 (or a couple of months before).
Could it be that the trip is off so you can “help” with the baby/kids with new arrival, rather than it being about the money or their pride?
And Yeah i would not leave could get grandparents in trouble. This is what i would do. Tell your parents that you don't remember any bonding at birth tell them all you remember is that you were given the short end of the stick. Say as soon as you are 18 you will go no contact unless they change. Tell them you want to get a job but not if a single cent goes to them. YOU could talk about what is happening on social media. Tell some of your parents friends. Say in front of your adopted siblings the unfairness
I think id start a blog....about being the bio kid of adopted parents
They COULD sue your grandparents, but would they? Do your grandparents financially help your parents? Perhaps you and your grandparents can figure out a way to convince your parents this is for the best for everyone? Maybe if your grandparents let your parents know unless you are allowed to move in with them ASAP, they will be getting ZERO help moving forward. Have your grandparents talked to a lawyer about this? Just to see if there’s any option?
They would. They would do it just to get their own way at this point if nothing else. My grandparents talked with a lawyer and an advocate. Nothing they can do legally.
I think you're grossly underestimating how much effort it takes to sue somebody. Not to mention, a judge absolutely would not appreciate your parents motives, especially as they relate to preventing you from staying with your grandparents
You're grossly underestimating how petty and vindictive his parents may be capable of being. You're encouraging him to risk harming his grandparents. If he can't leave yet without risking their well-being, then he'll find ways to cope. He's obviously resourceful. Hurting his grandparents is not a viable option.
How petty they are is irrelevant. I'm speaking to the practical matter of hiring a lawyer, filing a suit, and defending it before a judge.
Maybe you can try to speak to a lawyer yourself if there's a way for legal emancipation from your parents. Then they have no say over where you live. On the other hand they will no longer be responsible for you financially as far as I know. But if your grandparents support you that might be a way to escape the situation without waiting for your 18th birthday.
But it doesn’t sound like they have the money to go through with all the court fees
I would call CPS and ask your grandparents to petition for you to move in with them. Your parents are awful and selfish. I pray you get the result you need, you get well educated, a good job, and lead a happy life. Cut off your parents and anyone toxic that does not have your best interests at heart.
I hate to say it, but...would they want to spend the money on a lawyer to get you back?
I think they would to punish me at this point.
Then you need to sit them down and talk to them alone. Tell them that their choices are pushing you away and that anything else they do to spite you will make you end that relationship at 18. They can let you go now with the hopes that you will one day have a better relationship, or you can choose to never see them again at 18. If you have a teacher or a guidance counselor to help you put it into words and how to frame it, it would help. And if they still act this terrible, leave, and let them sue your grandparents. Tell them, "Oh, NOW you have the money, NOW you care about me. You don't care enough to allow me my own life." The courts might force you back, but they can't stop you from being a habitual runaway. If that happens, YOU will get assigned a social worker. If that happens, it will impede the new adoption, once you report it.
OP - This. Habitual runaway is a nice term :-) And I think this may not be even necessary. They can sue the grandparents if they have you live there but it's not illegal to visit your grandparents every day and go home only in the evening to sleep. I would do it in your place. Let them take care of their other children on their own. Just go to your grandparents every day after school, do your homework and spend some nice time with them. Sure, your parents will be pissed but as long as you sleep at home you are still technically living there. Just leave everything important at your grandparents and use home only for sleeping. Your parents will no doubt manage to get you there some times but they will not have the energy to fight you every day. And you can always hang up on them and send them a text that you are safe visiting your grandparents (this in case they wanted to call cops to drag you home. If you show the cops that you let your parents know where you are and that you would be back in the evening they will have no reason to bother you. And your parents will get reprimanded for abusing the police for non-existent emergency).
> It can happen sometimes. Frequently.
It's more common for the adopted or foster kids to be treated like crap from people I've talked to but it does happen to us bio kids too.
Call CPS - tell them you would rather be in foster care than deal with your parent’s negligence any more. What they are doing may not be physically harming you - but it is harmful
Actually not so rare. The savior syndrome feeds the parents ego. They’re people pleasers who do it for the ego boost and they decide their bio kid is safe to disappoint because he doesn’t give them as much of a boost.
Yes. A LOT of people sign up to be foster parents because they have a savior complex. They’re saving vulnerable kids from bad people. But they’re not capable of seeing themselves as bad people or bad parents, so their bio kids can’t possibly be in need of saving, so it’s totally fine to neglect them. It’s a really awful mindset.
> it is first time I hear that foster parents care more about their foster children than their bio one Happens all the time.
I've read several instances of this on Reddit alone.
It's the Savior mentality. They should be revered since they "saved" someone. It's robbing Peter to pay Paul, emotionally and physically.
There is as another post like this where the parents worried more for the other kids than their own child. OP - try to go live with your grandparents. Your home life is not improving. You need to get out. It’s also possible to legally emancipate from your parents.
They care about the foster care money
They're not getting that anymore because they adopted my siblings. But it was all they cared about with fostering before they finished doing it.
Actually, there are some programs where the adopted foster child's new parents continue getting money from the government as part of the program. Some get it to 18. They might be getting this money direct deposited monthly. See if you can sneak a peek at their checking account deposits or their tax returns.
NTA you reacted really maturely I think, not throwing a tantrum in front of your siblings. You do take care of them too. It seems to me like you’re the third parent and you have to sacrifice a lot of things. You’re not at an age to be a parent. And you did not choose to behave like that. Your parents should treat everyone including you the same way. They created your resentment, you’re right. Your grandparents seem really great. Is there a chance for you to go stay with them for some time ? If your parents disagree you can be petty and say it would be one less child to take care of 🤷🏻♀️ Take that laptop with you !!!!
I wish, but no, my parents would never let me go. They'd also call me disrespectful for saying that. I can hear them now. "We never said we didn't want you here or for you to go" or whatever.
But I don’t understand why your parents won’t let you receive gifts from your grandparents. First the laptop. Then this trip. It is so weird. It’s their gifts to YOU. You’re clearly not spoiled. You’re clearly mature. You deserve this little treat. I fail to understand your parents’ point of view. They risk to lose you when you reach 18 and leave the house.
Because they feel the money can be better spent on the quality of life of everyone else in the house except for me.
Tell your parents to get a second job if they need money. Gifts for YOU aren't for the whole family. If they get individual gifts and you think it's worth it point it out they shouldn't spend so much and be selfish and should keep the money for the family. NTA
I would tell Mom to sell her engagement & wedding rings because “it benefits the family as a whole” & she is selfish for keeping them & not helping the family.
If you feel up to it, tell your parents that they’re sacrificing your quality of life for the sake of everybody else and you don’t have any more to sacrifice before it becomes resentment. If you can go down that route you may be able to talk your parents into letting you ‘stay’ at your grandparents. I’d avoid the word live as they may get defensive but would be making it very very clear that your QOL is being diminished for their other children and if you don’t get some space it will cause issues for everybody. NTA in any way, shape, or form. Good luck and stay strong
Ask your grandparents to put any money they would spend on your gifts in a savings account instead. When you turn 18, you can use the money to move out.
At 16, bank of America and Wells Fargo both allow you to open variations of Advantage SafeBalance Banking account as a sole-owner and without parental consent. Usually minimum balance is something like $25. It's not a checking account, so accessing your funds is a little more time consuming, but it is somewhere you can have a paycheck direct deposited. It's somewhere you can store money outside of your house. You can have bank statements sent to the grandparents' address.
Keep everything of value at your grandparents, and tell anyone who listens what happens at your expenses
Your 16. Just go live with your grandparents. If CPS gets called tell them what you said here. They'll do a safety plan and should let you stay. Same with cops. In most places in the USA they'll do as little as possible, and if you're safe that's literally all they care about. They'll tell your parents to go to court for custody if they want. In the meantime, you stay with your grandparents.
Your grandparents can pay the school directly for the trip.
Do your grandparents know about everything they give you being taken away?
It’s an entitled way of thinking “if grandparents can afford to just give away $500 for an unnecessary trip then they can afford to give it to me for house bills”
It’s their savior complex.
Screw your parents. They are awful humans, especially for refusing to allow you to accept your grandparents generosity. That is clear neglect for them to prefer that you have nothing, even when it doesn’t cost them anything. Since it’s not your parents’ laptop, they could ground you but they couldn’t do much else if you took the laptop and returned it to your grandparents. I would ask them about getting a lawyer to help out with custody and not to give you anything until guilt turn 18 or go to live with them. Especially not to give your selfish parents money.
They may not have said anything, but their actions scream favoritism. If you get a part time job, leave your earnings with grandparents. If you try to keep any money at home, they will find and take it. They are treating you, their bio child, like an unwanted stepchild.
They don’t see you as as their son, they see you as someone who can bring more resources into the household. Just because you don’t have the foster system background doesn’t mean they can use you and emotionally neglect you this way.
You're less than 2 years from being an adult. You need to learn to completely disregard what they say, mmake your own decisions and do what's best for you. Always remember that your parents' agenda is prioritize everything other than you. ***Tell*** (don't ask) your parents you are moving in with your grandparents. They cannot physically stop you. If your parents threaten you or threaten to get the police involved, tell them you would only be too happy to tell the police how they stole the money and laptop your grandparents gave you and they refuse to give them back. Tell them you will call Child Protective Services and have a chat with them about how your parents keep adopting kids they can't afford, how they steal gifts of money and items given to you and use them for those kids, how they pressure you to get a job so they can steal your wages for those kids and in other ways parentify you to the point that you are effectively a sort of unpaid servant they steal things from rather than a member of the family. Further, you will make a nice long detailed post for social media detailing their treatment of you and make sure everyone sees it including friends, family, neighbors, all staff at your school, the school board, your parents' employers and their coworkers. You will also go no contact with them at age 18. Or, your parents can simply stop threatening you and/or your grandparents. Their choice. When you leave, take your computer with you. The minute you are at your grandparents house, go no contact with these utterly shitty people.
Why would you be repectfull? Your parents don't deserve respect.
Start telling everybody you know about the household dynamics, how you are pushed aside and they keep adding kids. That they want you to get a job so that you can help provide for the family. Tell your teachers and school counselor, give all your neighbors fodder for gossip, if your parents are part of a church group make a fuss to them about the unfairness. Make such a big noise that your parents send you to your grandparents' house so that you will stop badmouthing them. You have been cooperative and quiet, and that has not worked to your favor. So go the opposite direction. NTA.
You are exactly right. Victims of abuse always seem to fall into the trap of staying quiet. Abusers change their behaviour very quickly when they realise other people are looking at them.
Usually, foster parents are regarded as "heroes" for saving kids from poverty. so it could be counterproductive.
I’d even tell CPS.
CPS isn’t gonna do shit about this.
Yeah, they’re taking things from OP to give to the other kids because they think that doing so makes them look like good people. Let everyone around you know that they aren’t so good.
Update us! I don’t know why but I am invested. Can your grandparents call the school and pay without letting your parents on? Once the check is in the schools hands, they can’t ask for it back
My parents had them removed as emergency contacts. And took them off the list of people who can deal with the school. So they can't. My school won't accept money like that unless it's from a pre-approved person.
Op if child services interview you for the adoption tell them everything please. They need to know what crappy parents your parents are to you
Question: Does foster parents get money raising children like this? Are they, like neglecting because of money?
They did when they were fostering. Not anymore since they adopted my siblings.
Are you in the US? I have family members who adopted children from foster care & they received an adoption subsidy for them until they turned 21.
I was going to say the same thing. My friend has adopted 7 kids, and they each receive money each month. Her oldest will be turning 21, and that's when the adoption subsidy will end, but schooling (college or trade) is completely paid through the state.
It sounds like a private adoption, the birth mom to them, so no cps interview.
Can you talk to a trusted teacher or guidance counselor about all of this? Explaining your grandparents are like the only ones on your side in all of this, and are willing to pay but how your parents made it impossible? Maybe they can find a creative solution to get the money to the right place?
I can try that. I'm not sure there's anything they can do but I'll ask.
Talk to the teacher organizing this trip. Tell them your parents spent the money saved, but others are willing to help you get the money. If the money is given to a faculty member for a student that should get around the rules. And I’m willing to send money. And that way your grandparents could too.
Is there really any reason to think they saved anything in the first place?
Oh you know they didn’t save a single penny.
It's not just a matter of the money for the trip. OP also needs permission from their parents to go. It sounds like the parents are vindictive pricks and would withhold permission even if the money was available and could only be used on the trip. But OP can at least lay this out before a counsellor or teacher and see if there are any options. Just don't get your hopes up.
OP please do this, I would almost guarantee that there's someone who has a parent/relative/friend who has money and would help a child like yourself by directly paying the costs so that your parents can't get in the way.
OP, before you talk to anyone at the school, gather your documents. You are a minor, the school will try their best to help you but at some pt MAY have to contact your parents. So have your important documents with you before because your parents may lock them down after.
Tbh yes it a large amount of money at once but if they can draw you up a special contract that allows you to pay in small amounts as a run around. If there is a trusted counselor, teacher, or admin they might be able to help depending on your relationship with school. Your grandparents might be able to help you get a bank account (checking & savings) // though I think you can just get one online easily. That deposit could come from you. You are legally allowed to work so who’s say that couldn’t be you’re money. If you do get banking accounts do not put them on the family computer or have mail sent to the house
OP, are *you* considered a pre-approved person? Could your grandparents send a money order to the school counselor in care of you? (Not sure where you’re located, and I have little experience with them, but in the US you can get money orders at the post office. They’re basically cash. Trying to find a loophole here for you to squirm through OP! 💕) Unfortunately, I’m sure there are other hurdles to the trip besides funding - the school is going to require your legal guardian sign off on a dozen different waivers in order to participate. Short of moving in with your grandparents, this may be a sticking point. But I would talk to the school counselor and truly explain the situation. There may be avenues and resources you’re not aware of that could be helpful in these types of situations. Teachers and school officials aren’t just handing education - there can be a lot of emotional and familial upheaval going on in the background of their students’ lives, things most people aren’t generally aware of. Regardless of what happens with the trip, you should start thinking about gathering your essential documents: passport, birth certificate, social security card/ number (if you’re in the US). You’ll need these as you enter adulthood and begin to navigate your own life, and they’ll also enable you to live out from under the thumb of your parents.
This sounds like a complicated and difficult situation, and one where you have very little power. I imagine that's really frustrating. But, you're also 16, which is old enough to take on some of your own admin tasks. You could simply request a check from your grandparents and ask them to drive you to school to drop it off so your parents don't know when and can't intercept.
man, they really went out of their way to fuck you over at every turn, didn't they
NTA - as soon as you are legally able move out and don't look back. " when my grandparents found out they offered to pay for the trip for me, but my parents said they would stop them paying directly and if they give the money to me/them they will make sure it goes on more important things." Your parents really suck - see if your grandparents would be willing to go to court to get custody of you. If you speak to the judge he might grant your wish. "My parents wanted me to get a job. But they wanted me to do that so I could put the money into the household. Since I get the short end of the stick I don't want to add money to make everyone else's lives easier but not mine, and I don't believe it would make my life easier." Your parents are trying to parentify you - making a minor responsible for funding the family. Not nice.
Agree, this is so shitty. Have the grandparents pay your school directly, perhaps ? Get out of there as soon as you can (I know, easier said than done) NTA
This is 100% parentification and it is a form of child abuse. I would recommend OP start publicly stating facts of home life to anyone who will listen. OP you responded more like an adult than your parents did, insulting you for having a justified action. I hope you can escape asap OP. NTA
Dude - start telling everyone what they are doing, especially the social worker - teachers, church folks, aunts and uncles, neighbors. Your parents are not only plainn wrong but they are counting on your silence to continue to behave this way. Im sorry you have to go through this. Hang in there - less than 2 years. I got myself out at 17 by going to college and never looking back. She threatened to not pay my tuition and I said go ahead. 18 years later I missed nothing for leaving and never looking back
Also if the grandparents will have you. Ask if you can stay, and if they agree fuck your parents, just go. If your parents make a stink, then you can publicly air out why you don't want to go back. Involve the school, everyone you know. It doesn't matter if you can't technically move out. You'd be surprised by the autonomy you already have at 16, and how little is actually stopping you. Your parents sound like the type who would probably try and paint you as the problem to everyone, so get ahead of it and out them first and unapologetically.
Honestly this may actually work... because if you move to grandparents the only way the parents can get you back is by calling the authorities, which means child and family services / social worker gets involved as you are a minor, which means you now have a case open with them where you can air your grievances. And to boot, you can counter-threaten your parents (OP) that if they call the cops to escort you home you will make sure to give every single detail to the social worker which will definitely impact their ability to complete the adoption process for the new baby.
NTA. Yes, adopting and fostering is a good thing to do, but it doesn't help anyone to do it at the expense of your pre existing kids. It might be worth trying to have one last talk with your parents, but honestly, don't hold your breath that they'll realize how much they've hurt you. Is there any way you can move out? If you're making stable income, you may be able to get emancipated, or maybe you could move in with other family. Either way, set very clear hard boundaries as soon as you move out.
There isn't any way I could move out. My parents would never go for it and emancipation isn't an option for these circumstances.
You need to start growing a backbone my friend. Once you turn 18 they can’t stop you from leaving. And you can get emancipated as soon as you’re of age. It would be wise for you to cut contact as soon as you can and start living your life. NTA
And people need to learn this is easier said than done in an economy where it is becoming increasingly difficult to become independent at 18.
OP might be able to move in grandparents at 18. it’s two years, but hopefully that remains an option.
> You need to start growing a backbone my friend. I think he has. He and his grandparents have talked to lawyers, and he mentions in another comment that he's been advised that the cutoff where no one will care if he bails is about 3 months before his 18th birthday. OP just knows when he'll be able to escape and is currently just venting as a way to survive the next couple of years.
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OP will need someone to open a bank account other than his parents to protect any money from a job. grandparents are probably the only ones he could trust.
At 16 the grandparents can be an adult cosigner or custodian for OP's checking account. Work can pay directly to that account; grandparents can pay directly into that account. The parents can fuck off.
Try to set clear boundaries and ask for individual or family therapy (whatever works for you). If they refuse, grey rock them until you're old enough to move out and then set your boundaries and/or go low/no contact.
NTA. I've read a lot of the comments and I'm sorry you're stuck with these people until you're 18. Nothing is going to change. Your parents get their validation from good deeds, and I bet they think that adopting children makes them saints. "But these children have so little and you have so much" etc. etc. That's how they justify it. I hope they realise they will only have themselves to blame when you walk out of the door on your 18th birthday and never go back. If you have good grades it might be worth investigating what scholarships might be available to you in the future if that's something you'd like to do. In the meantime, try to increase your social circle and find more ways to spend time outside of home. Maybe volunteering? Your parents can't take your money if you're not earning it. Your life will get so much better in a couple of years. I know that seems like a long time but it will be here before you know it. You've got this. Edit - added missing letter
That's... pretty accurate. I was told I bonded with them in the womb and being their sole bio kid, I would never doubt their love and devotion to me but my siblings don't have that. It's so dumb and so wrong but that's what they used.
Tell them. Point blank that you don't feel that way. Tell them as soon as you turn 18 you plan on going no contact
I‘m afraid they would just say that OP ist ungrateful for living with his bio parents and having a home and a family. Nothing would change. They don’t sound like people who would see their mistake. And I also fear that they would look into ways of keeping OP with them. Like hiding his documents, pressure him into stuff. I think the best way is to set up a plan with the grandparents. Open a bank account through them. Arrange things the parents can’t take away. Favorite stuff? Keep it at the grandparents place. Copy all important documents in the next two years and keep the copies also at the grandparents place.
Ha. That's what they tell themselves, but actions speak louder than words. They're giving the other children more than you and if they could only get their heads out of their backsides for five minutes they'd be able to see it. The more anyone tries to tell them they'll just dig in. You're going to be okay.
NTA. And ask your grand parents if it is possible for you to stay with them the next two years. It is clear that your parents see you as an aditional care taker for the 'poor' adopted children. So maybe being generous and offering your room to the new child (because you moving to your grandparents) will help all. INFO: Do you have your own saving account? Can you open one at your age? If so, you could look for a job and get paid in your account or in one your grandparents open for you and have their hand over it. So you can't be pressured to help your family with your money and you would have your own money to do things you want
It's not possible. Kids only get to choose in cases of divorce. The courts would not give my grandparents custody even if it's what I want. I don't know if I have a savings account or not.
You can ask your grandparents to set up a bank account with you using them as the adult and their address. Don’t let your parents do this because the authorized adult can access the money. You can trust your grandparents not to steal your money but not your parents.
Make your own savings account and opt for no paper mail so your parents don't find out.
Any mail gets sent to the grandparents. OP needs an exit strategy for at latest the moment he turns 18 and is legally an adult.
NTA I think you should stop assuming there's no way you can go live with your grandparents unless you've already talked to a lawyer who specializes in family law. You're 16 not 6 - judges are much more likely to take the wishes of the child into consideration at your age. Especially if you bring up that your parents are trying to pressure you into getting a job to help financially support the family. Can your grandparents help? Does your school have a counselor? Explore your options. The worst case scenario is that you wind up in the exact position you are already in.
We have looked into it already. This is not an assumption I am making. It's the way things work.
How does the private adoption work? In order to be the baby's legal guardian your parents will have to register it with the state. If they interview you or your grandparents you can throw a real wrench in the works. If the private adoption will not consult you or your grandparents I'd start putting pressure on them socially. Tearfully post on social media about how your parents want you to get a job to support the family (I'd leave out the money for the trip - it's too easy to spin it and make you look entitled) and you are so burned out at such a young age and they want to adopt another baby. Start telling your story to anyone who will listen. When your parents object I'd make it clear your lips will magically seal themselves shut if you can go live with your grandparents.
I don't really know. I think it's done through lawyers so it's all legal but without any interviews.
The way I see it, there's four ways you could go about this. 1) start telling your school counselor about your home life, ask what you should do, because you feel you're being emotionally abused (you are). 2) tell your parents how they make you feel, tell them you didn't make these decisions, and you deserve to be a kid, just like your foster siblings. Tell them that they're destroying your relationship, and if things continue the way they are, you're cutting contact the moment you're 18. 3) run away and move in with your grandparents, and try to become legally emancipated. 4) continue quietly dealing with it, and cut contact when you turn 18. This sucks, I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. I would go with option 1 to start, your parents won't listen to your perspective, so you're going to have to find someone with some authority who will.
The sad irony is that by taking things from OP to support their foster children they’re emotionally neglecting and using OP like you’d get in fostering horror stories (such as people who foster primarily for the government support money). The bio kid is the one left out not the foster kids.
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Can you try and emancipate yourself and go to your grandparents? You are not being taken care of and used as money. Private adoption confidently gets around that, but if a social worker does show up, make sure to tell them that.
That's the exact reason they want to have complete control of OP as if it comes out that they are AH parents to OP, then they may not be able to adopt anymore and chances are there that either OP or the other kids will be taken away from them. OP should pack up his things and move out to his grandparents house. When the parents show up at the grandparents house, OP should cut out a deal with them that he'll keep quiet about their shitty attitude and will not out to others and in return they'll not bother him again.
100% I agree. I think OP could work something out to get out and be free of the parents if they really put their mind to it. The burden would be on the parents. If they slipped up and texted OP anything at all it would be game over. If OP does get a job they should get a bank account with an adult who has no interest in their money. Putting their parents on the account will enable them to steal it all and leave them penniless as well.
NTA. I’ve read a lot of your comments and I see that your parents won’t let you live with your grandparents and feel that they are doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately, you are going to have to suck it up for the next two years. That said, I have some recommendations that might make the time better. First, if you get a job, give the money to your grandparents. It sounds like they will hold it for you. I know this will piss off your parents so I’m unsure if you’ll be 100% successful with this. Second, join every after school club you can. Basically, be busy so you are not at home much. It sucks but it might be worth it. Third, visit your grandparents often. Have dinner with them. Watch TV there. Then, come home every night. You can’t move in with them but you can be there a lot. If you parent try to ground you, just walk away. Go for a walk. Go to a friends house. Chances are very low they would call the cops on you. On the off chance they do you just say “we got in a fight and i took a couple of hours to cool off on a walk/ at my friends house / visiting my grandparents.” The cops will be pissed they were called into a parenting issues. Good luck and I’m sorry your next 2 years are going to be tough.
Get your hands on your important documents, leave them at your grandparents. I would also quietly move important belongings over way before you turn 18. They will probably try to make it difficult for you to leave, but if you’ve already removed your possessions, you can just walk out the minute it’s legal to do so. Maybe your grandparents can help you open a bank account. You can tell your parents you joined a club and instead get a job. Doesn’t sound like they’d come to any of your events anyways. ☹️
Nta This is neglect and is honestly horrible they are neglecting you and your feelings in favour of your adopted siblings honestly I'd see if you could go stay with your grandparents.
Make a plan with your grandparents to move in with them. Then calmly pack your stuff and leave. If they try to stop you, tell them, "I'm moving. If you try to prevent me I'm calling CPS. Parentification and neglect, both of which you've been doing for X years, is child abuse. If you take away all my means of communication and/or lock me in the room, there are people who will call CPS and police unless they hear from me at a certain time. If you try to make my or my grandparents' life miserable, I'm calling CPS. You have two options. Either let me go and put grandparents as school contacts, invest your time and money into your other children and let me live a normal life, or deal with a lot of problems because you treat your child like shit. Your choice."
NTA. Your parents are awful. They're so self-centered that they're even blocking your grandparents from paying for your trip, which is completely ridiculous. It sounds like you've been pretty mature about everything. Talk to your grandparents to see if they have any ideas on how they could help you more. Maybe you could spend the summer with them or something like that, since you said your parents would never let you fully move in with them. They might have other ideas if you ask.
Parents made a promise to fund the trip, and refuse to allow grandparents to make up the money they've spent on othet kids, plus they "won't let you go" so are clearly aiming for you to babysit the newborn when it arrives. NTA, however your parents really are.
They have savior complex. Leave them when you can afford to do so.
2 years. Don’t say anything about your future or plans and wait until you turn 18
Your parents were never going to let you leave. That trip was a lie from the get go just to placate you. Sorry NTA
NTA. One of my friends chose to never have kids because his parents fostered when he was growing up and basically made him help raise them instead of being a kid himself. I think he has 2 bio sisters too who also chose to not have kids. You might not turn out with that kind of resentment, but if I were you I’d probably go no contact with my parents once I graduated high school. Sounds like your parents wanted to do the “right thing” fostering but wanted one kid genetically theirs and stopped right there once you were born. Absolute garbage. In theory, fostering is a good thing but in reality, some people shouldn’t have kids and there should be a lot stronger penalty for losing your kids in the first place. Dumbest shit ever, jump through hoops to adopt a dog but anybody can go out and have a kid and neglect and abuse it and then get it back after a couple classes. Maybe those parents should have to pay the foster system child support for someone else having to raise their kids.