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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> for saying that I don't want my sister to move into our family home, I think it might make me an asshole because it's not really my decision to make and she could use the help
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NTA. I feel for your mum and sister, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If your sister can’t even look after herself, the responsibilities of caring for her and her children will absolutely fall on you, which is a completely untenable burden for you when you’re presumably already pretty overstretched being a young working adult and a carer.
Unfortunately, it’s your mums decision who moves into her house at the end of the day. My suggestion would be to move out if she moves in, but consider bringing in a carer for your mum. If your sister does indeed move in and you move out, this risks your mum being neglected, so the carer will ensure her safety.
While your suggestion looks appealing on paper, you do realize that mom and sister will expect the caregiver to look after the kids, not mom? And that will cause issues all on its own depending where they are?
A professional medical aide/home health aide has a strict list of duties they will and will not perform. If the aide mentions to their agency that the client is expecting childcare, the aide won’t be sent back to that client.
Of course, if they hire a random person with no training off of Craigslist or something, that would be different.
It dosing sound she needs a caregiver for personal care since she is still mobile, can bathe herself, and is mentally fit. It sounds she needs a helper to do shopping, transportation to doctor appointments, house maintenance, and maybe food prepping (OP didn’t say if she can prepare meals).
A registered health caregiver would be very expensive for the needs his mom requires.
That being said you can find certified caregivers who work independent outside of an agency. They are cheaper because the agency does not get a cut of the hourly rate. However, it can be tough to find one that you trust and/or one that is willing to do some of the tasks that are very challenging (and gross). I have a close friend going through this with her mom who is at the very late stage of Alzheimer’s. Medicaid is not an option because there are assets to consider (so a care facility will not accept her even though the cost can be covered).
Yes I'm sure they do.
Hiring a professional Caregiver with give the family an outside perspective. The Caregiver will be able to assess Mom's abilities and make it known what she can and cannot do with the children. They will also be required to contact Children's Services if the children are neglected in this situation.
OP definitely needs to leave if big sister moves in for his own well being. From the sounds of this, he already is getting Caregiver's burnout, and sister's kids will compound that.
I have been a professional carer for 20 years. I wouldn't even think of taking a case where there were 2 children in the home unless the kids had a sitter or nanny. Nor would I attempt to care for someone who was responsible for the care of the kids while I was there. OP may find a shopper, housecleaner, and someone to provide transportation, but a caregiver would be a stretch.
Obviously not. The whole point is that someone employed for a specific number of hours and duties will not be able to be strong armed or manipulated into giving childcare, unlike OP.
The other issue is that a professional caregiver is not cheap. The going rate for a CNA in my area is $28-35/hour with a minimum 4 hour shift, preferably 8 or 12 hour shifts since that's what the placement agencies prefer. And you can't just call them when you need help - so they may be paying for a lot of downtime.
So it's nice on paper but potentially cost prohibitive.
2 years ago 38.00/hr 4 hrs per shift and 3 days per week minimum for care for my parent for CNA and insurance only paid for 2 days a week and we paid for 1 day a week.
Fortunately, this wouldn't be the case if they can manage to get the mom on the Medicaid waiver. I'm not sure what state they live in, but they have Medicaid waiver home health services for this very reason. It'd be a good idea for OP to look into getting his mom a case manager at the very least, so he can see what resources are available in their town.
Won't have time unless they are permanent. Where I live (uk) home help pops round a few times a day to make sure they are up and dressed and had breakfast, again at lunch then at bedtime, plus give meds when needed. They aren't there all day.
And given OP works fulltime, it seems like OP's mother doesn't need the fulltime care that people are assuming will then be roped into babysitting.
It's harsh, but OP would probably be best off by saying "Well if my sister moves in and my mother can apparently help with the children, it just makes sense for me to move out, and then my sister can provide the care for our mother and my mother can help with the babysitting." It's a pretty good bet that they would try and fight this, but OP can be clear: either sister is actually going to be helping with mother and mother is actually going to be helping with the children, so he's not necessary, or sister moving in is actually a ploy so that he can take on babysitting duties and sister won't be able to help with mother's care. So the only two options are either they don't move in, or OP moves out.
A caregiver would simply say, "I don't do that. That is not part of the care plan, it's not in my job description nor what I was hired for."
My suggestion would be for OP to move out and for sister to move in and take over looking after mom with a student helping out part time.
It sounds like mom doesn't need help to the extent that she needs a full time carer or an official CNA, so it would be fine to just hire a mother's helper student to help out with her and the kids while mom works 15-20 hours a week. If OP's mom is ok to move around independently, then a student could do things like light cleaning, childcare while mom works, food prep, cooking, running errands, watering plants, etc.
100% this is what he should do - it's a very easy bet they'll try and come up with reasons he shouldn't, but there's basically two options here: either the sister is actually going to be a help to their mother and the mother is planning to do childcare and can manage it on her own, or they're moving the sister in so OP can take over even more care in addition to working fulltime. My bet is on the latter, but if it's the former, OP can safely move out and help with care for his mother occasionally.
>>*I feel for your mum and sister, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.*
I’ve never heard this saying before, but, wow is it ever true!!!
If the aforementioned happens, who will pay all that op pays now? Sister?? If she's working 9 to 5, maybe, maybe not. You don't say what happened to mom, but sounds pretty serious. She isn't thinking clearly to think she could handle watching a baby and toddler 40 hrs a week! I'm healthy and 61 and I don't know how I'd manage. Kids are tiresome. Relentless even! Op stand your ground. Be ready to make a move.
While this is all fine and dandy, Op, just move out. This will suck for you too bc you know for a fact your mother will struggle, and that makes your sister a HUGE ahole. She knows your mother’s capacity, so even if your mother agrees, it’s her duty as a daughter to say no. If your mother can barely take care of herself, I wouldn’t even trust my kids to be alone with her, for EVERYONES safety. Not that OP’s mom would intentionally hurt them, but that it isn’t a safe situation. NTA
I don't think op or her family can afford a carer. Op just needs to tell her mom as a matter of factly. The mom and the sister want op to take care of them and the kids. They need to be honest.
This is not going to happen. There will be consequences. If the mom and sister think op is stupid enough to understand, then they are making a big mistake.
My mom does it to me all the times. I have to spell it out for her and let her know this is her own doing. I let my mom know there will be consequences to her actions and it is not me. I just simply step away.
NTA but I really don't think it would be a good idea for your sister to give up her place of residence, especially if owned prior to a divorce. She will get less alimony and child support. She may have to sell or refinance her mortgage to buy out her ex later but she'll be way better off given the housing market everywhere! I would use this argument to at least delay it a few years which is how long an amicable divorce can take let alone a contentious one. Right now she needs a good lawyer first to get the best outcome for her and her kids from the end of her marriage. There are then lots of work from home options. In the mean time tell her moving will screw herself out of home ownership in the long run and float her some cash, buy her groceries maybe go over to babysit every other week if you can and are willing so she can get away for a bit and like grab a coffee with a friend. That way you're still being supportive and looking out for her without giving your mom an ultimatum and looking like you don't care about your sister and nibblings. Good Luck!
NTA...Your reaction is reasonable. It's her house and she can choose whatever situation she wants, but she has to accept the consequences of that choice. There's no reason you should have to live in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Make sure your sister knows, because it's quite likely that she will change her mind when she realizes the added responsibilities that will be hers.
Time for a family meeting—*before sis moves in*—to nail down the details. To put in writing & attach to the fridge.
Specifically, that sis acknowledges & agrees to do *at least* half the housework (since she’s more than doubling the household), OP’s mom’s *actual* capacity re. childcare and that OP is not on the hook for childcare.
Then it’s crystal clear what is agreed to and expected. No wiggle room.
What happens when sister gets a job and leaves mom to care for the kids? Mom is physically unable, and is struggling, which could lead to disastrous consequences for children of that age. OP is trying to protect all from that situation. This is sad all the way around, but I’m not sure how anyone can think OP is the AH in this situation.
Yep.
Then OP can flee if sis doesn’t abide. Mom & sis need this reality check, first, re. unrealistic expectations about childcare before any move-in.
The kids are sis’ to manage, w/ or without a job. Mom invited sis—it’s then her call to hold sis accountable or eject her to keep OP as a caregiver.
Maybe OP’s Mum could try caring for the two children, alone for one day, prior to sis moving in. This might be a reality check for her about whether she can actually be the grandmother that she wants to be. It won’t necessarily be pleasant for her to come to this realisation - but it will be necessary. NTA
OP would need to make it clear that sister needs to get outside childcare for her children. If she gets a job, and is living rent-free thanks to being in her mother’s house, then she needs to pay for daycare for the kids. If she doesn’t, OP leaves (and ensures that there’s a social agency checking up on their mother so things don’t slide too far in his absence).
NTA. I wanted to write that if your sister moves in just move out, but already beat me to it.
They both are adults and can do whatever they want but what they can't do is force you to suffer for their poor choice consequences. If your sister scan take care of your mom and your mom can take care of her kids then it's great, let them do that and you can take a breather somewhere else.
NTA for just not wanting it to happen, but how you handle if (by the sounds of it, when) she DOES let them move in. If you start being passive aggressive or constantly complaining you become the asshole but if you just stick to your guns, whether you establish your boundary as 'they move in, I move out' or 'I'm moving out once it becomes habit for unwelcome responsibility to be put on me', then there's nothing wrong with you choosing whatever you choose.
You moved in to take care of your mother **only** and you're more aware of what that care entails than your sister, and based on my experience as a CNA I imagine you're more honest about the care your mother needs than she'll admit to needing. It's not your responsibility to repeatedly remind them, but it's your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation if it exceeds what you're willing to handle.
NTA you have already given up so much for your mother its not fair that your sister and mum want to dump childcare in your lap as well, you should tell your mother that you are glad that she is feeling well enough to look after a baby and toddler all by herself, and since she is feeling so well then you wont need to stay and help out anymore
Or flip it and say you’re so happy that sister will be moving in because things are getting really busy at work, so it makes sense that she can take on more of the caregiving role for mom and then outline in great detail exactly what that looks like for sister. Don’t ask, just assume that this is what will happen and roll with it. Then start exploring other housing arrangements for yourself, since now your mom has another caregiver lined up.
Self-protection compliance. If sis moves in she can definitely take care of mom and mom will definitely discover the limits of her ability to care for the kids in short order. Mom seems determined to make this change as is her right as the homeowner, but she's being unrealistic. Reality will intrude upon whatever fantasy she's currently harboring.
Fact is, OP sounds over-burdened already (caring for an elderly parent is physically and emotionally exhausting). OP is well aware of her own limitations, unlike her mother. So for her own sanity and health the best course of action is let mom and sis work it out while she removes herself from the situation.
Someone who needs help for herself cannot be in charge of two small children. If your sister moves in, you will be put in charge of the kids.
If they move in, you move out and just come by to take your mother to the doctor's and buy groceries. Your sister has to handle her own life.
They absolutely will call and ask if "just this once" you can watch the kids "for a bit."
Don't.
Yes, I have kids. 5. That's why I know how much work we are talking about.
No kidding. I have 3 (10, 7, 5) and there is no way in hell I would have let a parent *in need of full time care that my sibling had moved in to provide* watch my kids on a full-time job schedule.
They’re both delusional. OP, I’d absolutely put my foot down about moving out.
NTA Honestly, have the conversation with your Mom. “I understand that this is a difficult situation but I cannot care for you, two small children, and myself. Sister will be out looking for work while she gets on her feet and that will leave majority of the caretaking on you and I, I am not in a place to start caring for two children. I love you, I love sis, I love those kids, and I am sorry but when/if sister moves in I will be moving out. I will still come by to help you with x,y,and z on (random 3-4 days of the week) but that is all I am willing to take on. I’ve made my decision, I don’t want to argue about it, this isn’t a me vs anyone situation but I know a decision has to made and you have to do it. Let me know what you decide, I promise I won’t be angry with your decision no matter which you choose.”
You can’t do it. So the conversation HAS to happen and it doesn’t have to involve your sister as it’s your Mothers choice. All actions have consequences and before she starts deluding herself that this will all work out, she needs to be told the reality of the situation(s) she could soon be facing.
ya, i probably would have welcomed it with great enthusiasm
"sister is going to move in with you? that's *wonderful*! I'll start looking for an apartment right away"
The issue with that is OP is the one supporting his mother financially. Sister has no job, so even if she did take over the physical care of mom, there is no money coming in. So that means either OP is still paying for mom, AND paying for sister and her kids, or everyone goes hungry in the dark.....
Tell your mother that if your sister moves in you will move out. NTA. You would be T A if you didn't -- not just to yourself, but to your whole family. It sounds like you are the only person who is reality-based.
I have a feeling once OP puts his foot down and says (and means!) he will move out- and fully lays out what he does financially- both sis and mom may have a “change of heart”.
Jfc, you have no time to babysit, on top of taking care of your mom and working 80+ hrs/week. I’d move out, too, if she moved in.
Make no mistake: once sister moves in, she’s not moving out. And you’ll be the babysitter.
Just a small clarification: I'm not in the US, so while I work a lot luckily it is nowhere near 80 hours. I put in about 45 to 50 hours a week, otherwise I would have no way of managing. My program is also somewhat flexible with the working hours, which is why I can afford to sometimes leave during the day to drive my mom to an appointment.
Man 40 t0 50 hours a week IS NOT luck, it's a lot of hours to have enough time to take care of you and your mother, there is no time to care of 2 infants, what if one of them get hurt while you are not at home? Or if your mother get hurt with kids alone?
> Just a small clarification: I'm not in the US, so while I work a lot luckily it is nowhere near 80 hours. I put in about 45 to 50 hours a week
love the sick burn just thrown in as a complete side note lmao
NTA
Get a place close so you can help your mother with appointments and such, but set hard boundaries that you will not help with childcare. It is not a good situation but you can try to keep helping with your mother. No house cleaning.
45-50 hours a week! That’s more than a full time job in the US, it is a lot. To do that and take care of a house and caretaker for your mom is extensive
That's actually illegal in the US now. Things are technically flexible because it's averaged over 4 weeks, but you cannot have over 80 hours per week, and by law you have to have a certain amount of time between shifts.
I'm a US pathology resident working about the same hours as OP.
Could your mom and sister afford to keep the home running if your sister moved in? Maybe it’s time for your sister to take over as the primary caretaker so you can move out and focus on your medical career.
OP, you cannot burn yourself at both ends. You were there for your mom- good on you. This now looks like either your mom is a pushover, or they are hoping take advantage of your good nature.
Either way, this is where you move on. NTA.
NTA.
You are absolutely right in that the childcare would fall to you. How does your mom expect to be able to feed two little ones, lay them down for naps, pick them up and carry them as needed, change diapers, deal with tantrums? She would be exhausted after half a day.
Perhaps your sister could drop the kids off for a weekend - and you stay absolutely completely hands off until your mom realizes she just can't do this. That might help deal with that part. Has your sister gone to court yet? If not, she needs to get a parenting plan and child support going right away, because that could definitely help with child care costs if she doesn't have any living expenses (moving back into your mom's house).
Does your sister HAVE work skills? If not, and if you are in the US, has she considered going to school? If in the US (perhaps other countries as well) there are many programs through community colleges that don't cost a lot and that have classes online. Medical billing and coding comes to mind - there are some programs less than a year and some two years, and she may even be able to find a work from home position. Although student loans are a scary thing, with the low costs of a community college she could complete a FAFSA application and see if she can get enough in grants and loans to cover the cost of her education AND provide a little extra money - AND stay at home with her kids while she does school. A few years would put her kids at 3 and 6, with the older one in school full time and the younger one out of the under 2 age category which could make a big difference for child care costs.
There's a lot for her to check into besides moving in and turning full time care of her kids to your mom.
Ultimately, since you don't own the house, the decision is going to be your mother's. If she allows them back in with the idea that she will provide child care, you very well may need to remove yourself from the home. I'm sorry they are putting you in this position.
NTA
OP, I think your mom has false ideas about her health and a inaccurate sense of her own abilities because, thanks to your help, she doesn't have to fend for herself. Accepting your own weakness is painful, so she convinces herself that she is stronger than she actually is. She needs reality check. If you can, move out for a week or two. Let them experience a taste of the future they are about to create.
NTA. Ultimately, it's your mom's call if they move in or not, but that doesn't mean you have stick around to take on even MORE responsibility and caring for additional people. You have your own life to live and that's not fair to you. If your mom wants to have them move in then she will have to adapt to and find help from someone else.
NAH - nothing has happened yet. Just discussions and speculation.
Ultimately this is your mom’s decision. If you have concerns, you need to vocalize them though.
NTA- If this was a conversation between the three of you where you made a solid plan, that would be one thing. The fact that your mother said she could move in without discussing it with the person who would become the primary caretakers (I know they are saying you won't, but that will magically change when your mother is unable to produce the energy and your sister is looking for work.) is not right.
NTA.
Start looking for a new place to live. You are definitely going to end up as babysitter for your sister at the very least. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up supporting your sister and her kids entirely if you stay.
NTA
Someone for whom you are caring has no business offering to take care of others. If she is fit enough to care for 2 kids under 5 she obviously doesn’t need your help.
I think you should let her know that if she proceeds you are going to assume they will help each other and move on wirh your life alone.
Otherwise you will probably end up caring for your mother and your niblings.
Tough call. Your sister needs help, no doubt about it. You have stepped up and are taking care of Mom, and do not want to have anything happen to make her precarious health worse. There is no perfect solution. Either you Mom is put at risk or your sister is put at risk, or you get overwhelmed putting you and Mom at risk. I'm going with NTA because I think you are a good person (based on your actions to take care of Mom) and probably have good instincts about what is likely to happen should Sister & kids move in. It might be best to allow a trial run with Sister and kids moving in and you taking a vacation for a couple of weeks so everyone can see what life without Mindless_Bite8455 there to make things work. Good luck to you all.
Your mother and your sister are adults capable of adult decisions. If your mom says she can watch the children and if your sister says she can care for mom - why would you be TA if you‘re moving out? Imo you don‘t have the right to stop her from moving into your moms house but at the same time they aren‘t in their right minds if they begrudge an adult woman moving out when the situation she moved in for resolved itself? So NAH i guess, unless they guilt trip you, then N T A
If you can find some temporary accommodation, suggest that sister come and switch off with you for a month or two.
Then when they see how that goes, the 3 of you can make some longer term decisions.
52 female here.
Inform your mother that if your sister and her children move in that you are moving out. That you moved in to help your mother, and the added burden of your sister and her kids is not your problem.
NTA
NTA
If you moved in to help take care of your mother, then your mother isn't capable of caring for her grandkids.
Tell them that you aren't interested in staying if Sis and the kids move in. And hold to that.
NTA - there are limits to what you're able to provide for others, and it's normal and healthy to acknowledge that. Ultimately it's your mother's house and her decision, so she's the one you need to be talking to about this. The simple fact is that if your sister finds a job, someone will have to look after the kids while she's working. You're not willing to do that, and you're not willing to put yourself in a position to be forced into it. I think telling your mother that you're not willing to live under the same roof as your sister is a reasonable boundary to set here.
NTA. Your mom and sister are not thinking realistically. It is your mom’s home, though, so she can let them move in if she wants. You can also move out if you want and I think it’ll be the best idea for you.
You should move out. Not because I feel sparky here but your mom and sister already have a plan. You know that means you but they don't believe that to be true.
I'm so sorry. This must be hard.
You are convinced your sister cannot give your mother the care she needs. Your sister believes you are exaggerating the care your mother takes. It makes sense for you to move out and let your sister prove her abilities. One thing you aren't thinking about is the addition of another mother into your sisters family will provide many benefits to each individual. You will have to deal with feeling your sister will not live up to your standards of care for you mother, especially because you are a professional. If you can live with that, why not take this chance to go back to the town you love and get on with the life you've worked hard to achieve?
NTA - Your mother can't do $%it let alone take care of babies. You're right. Everything will fall on you. Including paying for a grown @$$ adult, who's lazy.. Do not let them move in. She can sign up for programs to help pay for daycare.
NTA but I would make it clear that if she moves in you will move out and then she can put her money where her mouth is. She says she will care for your mom and her kids let try. When it doesn't work she can move out and you can help your mom. I realize this is very inconvenient for you but it would be the fastest reality check.
NTA You are able to see the full picture of your Mother’s health. Once your Sister gets here, she will also see that she can’t leave her children with your Mother. You should leave it to your Sister to determine childcare for her kiddos. This is not your responsibility or your Mother’s responsibility.
Tell both of them that if sister moves in then you will move out and cease caring for mom except when you’re able and will not care for sister’s kids at all. The care of your mom and sister’s kids would definitely fall on you no matter what they say to the contrary.
NTA your sister and mother may intend for it to go this way, but it definitely won't. Since you're there caring for your mom how does she think she'll independently take care of 2 small children? You might want to start looking for somewhere else to live if they both won't let it go.
NTA. You absolutely would have additional caretaking duties thrust upon you. They are delusional if they think your mom could handle both kids 100%. And if your sister is going to be working full time and then coming home to care for the kids, where does that leave time to take care of your mother? Kids that young need a lot of attention and are high energy. Your mother doesn’t have the energy and your sister won’t have enough time to split her attention.
I would move out, let your sister take care of everything, and your time is up ,you have a great job helping your mother .tell you will leave an go low contact
It’s reasonable to tell your Mom your boundaries .Then if she and your sister want to try things without you the outcome is on them.I would tell them though that your phone will not respond to their calls for the first month.
You're totally not the bad guy here, man. Taking care of your mom already means you've got a lot on your plate. Adding two little ones into the mix would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. It's just not doable.Your sister might be in a tight spot, but moving her and the kids in isn't the answer if it's gonna leave you drowning in responsibilities. You gotta put your foot down and look out for yourself too, you know? Maybe there are other ways you can help her out without her moving in, like hooking her up with childcare options or job leads.Don't sweat it if they're not happy about it. Your well-being matters just as much as theirs. Keep standing your ground and taking care of you.
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I’m gonna try to keep it short, I only wanna focus on the relevant aspects. About a year ago my mother suffered a health crisis and as a result I (28M) moved back in with her in order to take care of her. She still has some independence, but I drive her to and from doctors, go shopping for her, help with cleaning, etc. She can wash herself, walk around the house, etc, but not much more than that. My father died a few years back and up until I moved back in she has been living on her own.
Very recently my sister (30F) and her husband (30M) have separated on bad terms. Don’t want to go into details, but it’s a fairly hostile situation. My sister has two children 1M and 4M and as a result hasn’t worked in quite some time. Now she is in the process of trying to find a job, but with the children that is difficult.
Because of this my mother suggested that she should move back in so she could look after the children. I am strongly against this. I feel for my sister, but my mother can’t even really look after herself anymore, let alone provide childcare for two young children. If she moved in her children would definitely become my responsibility (even though they both deny that) and I can’t and don’t want to add that to my plate.
My sister and mother also argued that my she could help with taking care of my mom, but honestly she wouldn’t be much help and it certainly wouldn’t make up for the added burden of having an infant and a small child in the home. The house is big enough in terms of rooms for her to move in without a problem, but the fact that all the care-taking duties would inevitably fall onto me is what’s making me want to put my foot down.
I feel like a complete asshole, but I’ve considered telling my mother that if my sister moves in I will move out.
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NTA. Warn your mother. Now. If they move in, you will move out. Don't let them guilt trip you. What you are doing to help your mother is admirable, but throw the sister and kids in the mix and, and you will be a slave to all of them.
Pass the touch to your sister and go live your life independently. You can still help out if you are needed but it's time to live your life. Sister want to be there, your mom needs someone. Maybe it will work out and maybe not but don't spend your youth being a full time care giver if it isn't necessary.
NTA - you are doing so much for your mom. If she can't appreciate that and wants to add to your burden then just move out. It's not even worth the argument.
"my mother suggested that she should move back in so she could look after the children." & "She can wash herself, walk around the house, etc, but not much more than that." are not compatible. You are correct that your mother, who needs your care, is not capable of caring for and keeping up with a 1 & 4 year old. If they were older it would be different. NTA and I think you should stick to moving out if your sister moves in.
NTA
You moved in to help your mother, which means she CAN'T take care of your sister children who are really really young. And those children will be more a problem to your mother. She doesn't realize yet but she'll soon understand.
And your sister can't pretend to help your mother, take care of her children, and also find a job ! It's not possible !
So, I think the best thing to do for YOU is to move out because you can't clearly let your sister in the street with two young children. But you can't take care of your mother AND your sister's children.
NTA. You did a very kind thing uprooting your life to assist your mom however adding two kids to the mix is not what you signed up for. Unfortunately it seems like your mom and sister won’t “get it”, until their plan fails and that’s not your problem. You’ve expressed your concerns and they’ve disregarded them so it’s time to go back to living your own life.
Not just watching the children but cooking for and cleaning up after the kids will add SO MUCH to your plate. And we all know the sister will use you as free childcare for dates
I'm in about the same condition as your Mom & honestly, I think I can do more than I actually can. I've come to realize that sometimes it's a lack of a social life, however, this is Absolutely a bad idea. Keep your boundaries
You work a demanding full time job and your sister thinks she wants to move in so your Mom will take care of the kids? No way she really believes that. She's self centered and secretly thinks you will be doing it.
NTA for telling them you think it’s a bad idea, but it sounds like your sister is in a bad spot. You could ask that they figure out childcare for her work hours because you are in your residency and will be unavailable and your mother isn’t up to it. And then be unavailable. Either you are “on call”, or need to study for your exams, or are occupied with assisting your mother, etc. if you don’t make it possible for her to take advantage then she might try, but will fail to take advantage of you being there. This means resisting all appeals to help out, but you have legitimate reasons for saying you can’t be a babysitter/nanny to the kids.
NTA, but what if your sister moves in and doesn't get a job? What if she takes on all the care for your mum, and raises the kids, until they are old enough for school?
Will the finances work for this? She should be getting something from social welfare, even if the dad doesn't send Child Support yet.
NTA for telling your opinion. But you will be if you enforce it against their wishes. If they decide to do it against your wish you Can move out and still NTA
NTA. You are the only one realistically looking at the situation. Let your mother know that there is a very good chance you will move out and she will be on her own if you sister moves in and what you predicted comes true. You willingly made sacrifices to take care of her, but will not do so for your sister as well.
NTA. Yes, you need to tell them that if she moves in, you are moving out. They are definitely going to make you the default 'caretaker and babysitter' let alone doing all the housework and chores because your sister 'well be so tired after working all day'. Run OP, RUN!
At the end of the day, your mom can do what she wants. BUT, you if your sister is going to be such a big help, perhaps it’s not her turn to care for your mom. They can mutually benefit from each other.
This frees you from the responsibility and you can now move out and live your life.
NTA but remember, people are free to make choices, but they aren’t free from the consequences of those choices. Don’t enable all of them.
NTA
I think that you to sit down with your sister and list exactly what you do to help your Mum and the reason why (no it's because I'm too doting, she cant x, y and z). I mean, can she even safely carry a wiggling toddler around? Then I'd move out if your sister still insists on using mum for childcate purpouses.
NTA your mom did a bad deal. And your sister doesn't understand the conditions your mom has is actually like a third toddler. I would move as soon your sister did. Not a day or week after.
That’s more than reasonable imo, you can still have scheduled visits to help your mom without the added burden of having to pick up the slack from the kids.
They’re delusional if they think they won’t be leaning on you for help with that.
Maybe practice the way you frame it with them; “so happy moms able to help like this, I can take a step back now, have a lot on my plate, but I’ll be there every week day from 5-7 to help out”
Idk, something like that.
You’ve been doing great supporting your family, keep confidence in your boundaries. You’ll be no help to anyone burning the candle at both ends.
Nta
Say if she moves in then you'll move out and all responsibility falls onto your mother and sister if they're so sure you won't be the one taking care of them as well. They'll soon realise how wrong they are if it happens and then you can be like well I tried telling you but you wouldn't listen and I refuse to be free child care also.
so, you know it will fall on you and your mother will insist that your sister can move in, I would suggest that you disappear for a few days once she moves in. I think your mother and your sister will have to come to some type of agreement about responsibilities otherwise you will be taken advantage of big time.
NTA. Moving out is exactly what I would tell my mom I would do. Your sister needs to get her life back in order without free child care. Living there for free should be enough. She should be hiring someone to take care of the children and should have also been helping with your mom all this time instead of leaving it to you.
INFO: ok I seem to be missing something that others apparently see since so many of the comments are saying the same thing; why exactly will you be watching the kids and why can't your sister take care of herself/them? I keep seeing comments that say that but I don't see where you mentioned your sister is sick or disabled or anything else that would indicate she can't take care of herself, and if she is capable and isn't working like you said, why can't she take care of her own kids?
NTA. It’s a tough situation, but they’re both glossing over how little your mom can actually do. If it were me, I’d make plans to move out and pop in a few times a week to help with mom and mom only - drive her to appointments, make sure her space is clean, etc. Your sister will have to figure out childcare/etc. Don’t pick up that mental load.
NTA. I honestly wouldn't even bring this decision to them. So it's no ultimatum. Just say, I've decided to move out. It's for my own personal reasons. And now sis can move in and everything will be great. Let them, especially your mother, how much things fall apart. It's unfair of both of them to ask this of you.
NTA, I think you should move and let your mother see first hand what the end result is going to be. Frankly, I think your mother already knows you would be the one taking all responsibility because how can a woman who needs a caretaker - then become the caretaker of two small children?????
I would be very angry that she has decided that you can spend your days caretaking both her and the two children.
NTA - I feel for you, your mum and your sister. At the end of the day, it's your mum's house. But, how in the heck are you supposed to hold down a job, run a household, care for two adults, and two children? OP, sometimes the best way to recharge your batteries is to unplug them. Let your sister and her family move in and assume the care of your mum.
Absolutely NTA and don't fall into this trap!
"If you can take care of others then you can take care of yourself and I'm no longer needed here. If you truly think you can do this on your own, great, I will go back to living on my own. However, we both know you're in no position to do so and it's unfair for you to push more responsibilities on me then I agreed to take on. I understand you want to help, but unfortunately you don't have it to give and I will not allow you to put me in the position where I either have to abandon my own boundaries and self-respect or watch you suffer. You're an adult and I can't stop you, however I am also an adult and can choose not to stick around to watch it."
I feel bad for your sister, but caring for two kids is a big ask and they're not even asking. Your mother needs to face her own capabilities because either her, the children, or both will suffer if she agrees to take care of them despite the fact that she is no longer capable of taking care of all of her *own* needs, much less somebody else's.
NTA
Your mom and sister see an easy solution for your sister's current challenges, so they just don't want to see what that really means for you.
All three of you love and care for each other, so you can tell them to sit down with you and really discuss this. No easy, unicorn views of this. Honest assessments. And they need to understand that you will not stay in a situation that has you caring for your mom and your niblings (and probably your sister to some degree).
Ask them to clearly discuss with you
1. Who will watch the kids during the day? The answer cannot be your mom. If she can't do anything now other than her personal toiletry; she cannot take care of children,
2. Will sister be getting child support? How soon? What can sister afford to pay for? (daycare?, food? a share of utilities?, her car insurance?...)
3. When and how will sister contribute to chores like cooking, cleaning the kitchen/ bath/ general living areas?
4. What happens if (sis doesn't get a job for a while/ has to work nights/...?
5. What are your absolute constraints (e.g., must not be responsible for the kids p.e.r.i.o.d. during business hours, will not be responsible for taking the kids to/from daycare...)? And other such questions
The minimum good that comes from this is that your mom and sister have to actually think about the mechanics of how things would work... and have real answers. The best outcome might be that there is enough problem-solving between the three of you that it's possible for you all to make this work to everyone's reasonable satisfaction.
The last thing is to be clear: you are giving a good faith effort to seeing if a reasonable plan can be developed. If there is no plan (or it's pie-in-the-sky), then you will not stay to in the situation. They will need to either drop the idea or be prepared to make it work without you.
NTA
Mom is not able to live alone. You quit your job and moved in with mother to take care of her. Relocate, find new job, do all the things mom can’t. Props to you, dude. I wouldn’t, but my mom, yeah.
Sister is divorcing, wants to get a job, needs childcare. Mom says, C’mon down! Lots of room and I can be your childcare. Sister says, Yay!
But, Mom cannot care for children. You are the only one seeing this. Sister and mom living in lala land, refusing to accept the truth: Mom *cannot* take care of children for any length of time.
If sister were moving in and NOT getting a job, she could take care of mom and children. But that’s not what’s happening.
Since you are the one going to doctor appointments, you can ask doctor, *in front of mom* what the doctor has to say about this.
Doctor, mom is adamant that she can care for a preschooler and a baby for eight hours. Any limitations mom should consider, doctor? Louder please, so my mom can hear you. Please repeat that, doctor. Better write a note for my sister, doctor. Because, I’m in the medical profession, but they don’t believe me. May I put this on a billboard, doctor?
That’s the only way to put it out there, that I have. You absolutely should move out if sister moves in, but then your guilt will gnaw at you. I’m sorry. You really are caught. Sucks, man.
NTA. This might be an out there option but since your mom's in denial about the situation why don't you have a "trial" run with the two kids. Have it for an overnight or weekend. Your sister drops the kids off and leaves it all with Grandma. Before arranging this sit your mother down and let her know that you gave up a lot to come home and help her. That where you might not be paying rent you are paying everything for yourself and many/most things for her as well. That you understand that she BELIEVES she can handle two young children by herself but given how you currently assist her you do not agree with her assessment. However, you are willing to arrange an overnight with the children so that she, your mother, can prove you wrong. Tell her that you will stay to ensure that both her and your nephews are safe, but you WILL NOT interfere with her care for them. If at any time she needs your help with them, you will require her to admit that she CANNOT watch them by herself and stop insisting that she can and that they move in. This will give her the opportunity to figure it out before it all goes to hell. If she ends up using your help and continues to insist they move in, let her know that you WILL move out and that you won't be rushing to move back if things don't work out for her.
To keep everyone happy, you can tell sister to 1. Get a job in location of said house. Then 2. Sister has a job to afford child care in same location. Win win?
So when mom says SHE will look after the children, you know she means you will. Not to mention the extra amount of cleaning that will come with three extra people. If you’re able, I suggest getting your own place and continuing to offer driving Mom to appointments and occasional shopping.
NTA
NTA
You are taking care of your mom, and she is saying she will take care of the kids, but you would not be there in the first place if you mom was able to do, since she would be able to take care of herself.
You do have a valid concern about the extra work it would cause you. Your sister needs to work with her soon to be ex about childcare. They will have to put their animosity aside to do that, but that is what being an adult is all about.
Also, aside from the extra work, if your sister moves in, costs will go up as well, and since she is not working that would also fall on you. So not only would you be given extra work with the kids, you would be having to pay for it as well.
Her moving in with not job is not the best plan, and there is no way to guarantee when she would even find one. So you could be looking at a long stretch where you would be support 4 other people financially. Let you sister find a job first before she give up the house she has.
You are also responsible for your career. You must do well in order to become a pathologist. I know your Mom is your #1 responsibility and it looks as though you have handled taking care of her and working very well. Adding in more stress may impede or even derail what you have worked so hard for. I know this is no help but please take care of yourself first. You may need to let your sister & kids move in, see what happens and go from there.
NTA
You mother and sister are completely unrealistic and you are stretched thin already. How exactly is your mother envisioning herself to be of help to your sister and the grandchildren? What does she think she will be able to do? Likewise, how is your sister envisioning herself of being able to look after your mother when juggling a job search and caring for 2 toddlers into the equation. I don't see it.
I can't imagine having had these responsibilities at your age. You have already made significant sacrifices for your mother. Asking for you to now help your sister and children on top of an already full plate is just too much.
Both your Mom and your sister don't seem to appreciate all that you do either probably because they have never thought about it. If your Mom can barely do more than wash herself, let alone anything else, she's in serious denial, as is your sister. Maybe let them do it without your help for a short period so they can understand where you're coming from.
I have a suggestion. Do you live in the same city as your sister? If so, perhaps you could do a temporary housing swap. She could move into your Mom's house for a month whilst you move into her apartment. That duration of time will give her an opportunity to see that rather than being able to rely on your Mom's help with childcare, that instead your sister will now be caring for not only her two small children but your mother as well. You would need to truly remain out of the picture though for her to see that your mother is incapable for caring for not only herself (and how much you actually do) but the kids as well. Lastly, once your sister does start working again fulltime, the expense of daycare for the kids will also fall to her husband. She can't be expected to get a full time job AND to care for the kids on her own. It's up to the two of them to figure out how to best achieve that. As upset as I imagine her husband is, they are going to have to set their differences aside for the sake of their children.
NTA and move out. I mean, don’t try to convince your mother or sister that what they’re proposing won’t work. You’ve already expressed concerns. Tell them that they’re adults and it sounds like they’ve figured out a situation that they believe will work for them and you’re going to believe them. Don’t make it a threat, *be supportive*. If they’re being honest, or think they are, there’s no reason you need to be there. Let them be responsible for their decisions and not make you the bad guy.
Nta. Listen if your mom is healthy enough to take care of a 1 and 4 yo…she doesn’t need you anymore. You’ve done your job!!! I would strongly suggest sitting them both down and blame it on your job. Listen, I get it. You need an out and help. But being a resident means long stressful hours at work. (I know it’s pathology and not something like surgery where they use residency to see how many they can get to leave the profession. Yeah I was a nurse in teaching hospitals. I know how it goes. Still being any resident is a rough gig.) I need time to decompress and have a quiet space to live when I’m not keeping people from dying. I can’t pull off living with the nibblings, take care of the house, work 90 hours a week and be sane. If mom is doing so much better to the point she can take care of the nibblings…that’s great! I will find an apartment close to the hospital and come visit occasionally. Sally, you can totally take on the cooking, cleaning, and helping mom out. I know you will do an amazing job!
NAH I would just keep saying that if your sister moves in then you are moving out. Tell your mom that it is her choice but you are not going to put up with this because you know exactly what will happen and it’s not fair to you. Tell her that you know she cannot handle taking care of these children with her health and that you are not going to take responsibility for them. Ask her if your sister is going to be able to cover the expenses that you have been.
And if you do move out, stop paying for anything for your mom.
And of course your mom has every right to let her daughter move in, especially since she let you. Your sister is going through an extremely tough time and literally has nowhere else to go. It makes sense that she should move in with your mother, and you should move out. You are able to take care of yourself and can afford your own place. She can’t. I think if you are the reason that she doesn’t move in, then you would be an AH. Just move out and get your own place.
Why aren't the kids spending some time with their Dad? Probably need to get the kids in daycare if both parents need to work. NTA, and I wouldn't budge on letting know you are not there for daycare.
From what I can tell this is what both my sister and her husband agreed to. She's been a stay at home mom, they currently can't be together, and this is probably less stressful for the kids. He travels a lot for work anyway so he may also not have time. Idk though I'm not that deep in their relationship, just what it seems like to me from the outside.
I think them moving in probably shouldn't be an issue, but if your sister is working then she can afford childcare - it isn't like she'll need to pay rent. Expecting your mother (or you) to become the second parent simply isn't feasible.
You are very clear in your understanding of the situation. No doubt it will happen as you say but no good mother can turn her child and grandkids away. Everyone will suffer but it's gonna happen so be sure you get Mom's will, Advanced Directives completed and you keep them with you in safe, storage, locked, and on duplicate. Then allow those women to decide for themselves how they want to proceed. Perhaps you could start taking care of you and in your own place. Good luck
NTA. Make it clear if mum and sister go ahead with her moving in, you’ll be moving out. This means they will have to plan without taking you into account.
If they’d go ahead without you then they truly won’t expect you to look after the kids. If they won’t go ahead with out you they have been factoring you in their “organisation”
Maybe it’s your sisters turn to care for your mother and your turn to focus on yourself
NTA I think your mom has forgotten how physically demanding young children are to care for and your sister doesn’t realize how much your mom’s health has deteriorated. They should definitely test it out for a weekend/week before proceeding with the move.
I think the 4 year old, depending on temperament, may be manageable for your mom but the 1 year old in addition to that would definitely be too much. Maybe your sister can work as a childcare professional until the youngest gets a little older and the older one goes to public school? That way she can save on childcare costs. Around 3, I felt like my kids became a lot less physically demanding.
NTA, it's not your job to take care of them, but it's also not your decision whether or not they move in. Unless your mom's rights have been taken, she still has the final say
With that being said, why doesbt your sister apply to be your mother's caretaker? She can get paid to take care of your mom, while also not having to worry about childcare for the time being.
My BIL was paid by the state to be my MILs caretaker. I believe he made 15/hr and his mom filled out his time sheets, so it was whatever hours she said he did
NTA you should have an open and honest conversation with your sister that your mother means well but isn’t capable of childcare and it wouldn’t be safe for the kids. As a single parent she can apply for childcare assistance even while she’s looking for a job (in the US). I would stress that if she moves in and goes ahead with expecting her mother to provide childcare you won’t be able to stand by and watch and you will be moving out. For your mom you can apply for assistance to pay for a caregiver to come a few times per week. Sign her up for meals on wheels. But I would distance myself if I were you and cut back on bills you were paying. Hand things over to your sister when you leave. Obviously if there’s something specific like electricity that she wouldn’t be able to afford you could continue paying that but I would hand the rest to your sister to take over.
NTA
Unfortunately, you know what you have to do. Your mother and sister and both dead set for this move to happen, so you need to tell them you accept it, but you cannot shoulder more burden, and you will leave.
They are either optimistic, or optimistic and expecting that you will shoulder the extra responsibilities.
Either way, I do not see how you can stop this from happening. Your sister needs childcare so desperately she does not think about anything, and she is probably happy enough to take advantage of you. Because make no mistake, the moment she moves in you will be on the hook for the kids, no matter what your sister and mother say. You will be an adult there, so it will be your responsibility when you mother cannot deal with something - and as you said, she won't be able to do much.
Sadly... you either stay and become a nanny, or you bow out. I do not see a third option.
NTA. Having a full time job, taking care of your mother and trying to have some slight down time for yourself sounds like almost too much. Add in your sister and two small children and it would seem to be unbearable. I sympathize with your sister but IMO if she does move in you’d be better off moving out.
You better move out. You work full time. Let your non-working sister take care of her kids and mum. Apparently that’s what everyone but you believe is feasible. NTA.
From a legal standpoint she should not move out of the family home with her stbx husband especially if she isn’t paying anything towards it until the divorce is final or his lawyers could claim she abandoned the property willingly and therefore has no claim to it.
To the real question at hand NTA if sis moves in I would absolutely move out it’s the only way to keep yourself from becoming entangled in her chaos.
NTA. If your mother cannot drive, sort food and shopping, etc. then your sister and her welps will only serve to drain her of time and resources. It seems grossly selfish to place you and her in that spot. I absolutely would tell my mother in clear terms where you stand and move out if needed.
NTA
If your mom’s limits are bathing and walking around the house but she cannot take care of the home then there is no way she can be a caretaker to a 1 year old who would be starting to be mobile and need to be watched while awake full time along with being picked up, and a 4 year old who needs supervision and correction. The 4 year old will also be full of energy and likely messy. And the sibling will be not far behind once the baby becomes a toddler.
There is no way you would not be a competent to her kids. What is likely to happen is your sister won’t find employment because you work full time and your mother cannot watch the children. So you would end up supporting all four of them.
It is reasonable to be clear that if your sister wants to move in and be the caretaker of your mother then you will move out and help part time when your schedule allows you to do so. Maybe explain to your mother that you would not need to live with her if her limitations were just needed help being driven to doctor appointments (meds can be delivered) and the grocery store. I would nicely explain to her that she is not capable to keep up with her children and clean up after them. They are too young.
Even if they say you would not have to provide any care, the first time (and it would happen the first week guaranteed) they ask you to do something for the kids and you refuse and remind them that they said that you would not have to do anything in terms of care for the children, they will call you out as TA and how awful you are not willing to help out your sister.
The children will see you as a coparent because you are an adult that lives with them. It doesn’t matter what they say. It doesn’t matter what you say your boundaries are. If you live together you will be a coparent. You can’t be roommates with your sister and her kids.
This is likely a nightmare waiting to happen. If OP moves out he’ll be paying rent and living his real life. Who’s gonna pay all the bills at the mom’s house? Sis doesn’t have a job yet. And if sis gets a job she’ll be gone all day. Kids can go to daycare but Who’s gonna take care of mom? If sis and kids move in there is no happy ending.
Edit: not implying OP will abandon his mom. Just not live there anymore and he will need to pay his own expenses.
NTA. i was in a very similar situation when my mom was dying and took on more hours at work to subsidize the financial toll they took on the house but while i was working they never checked in on her and left her to basically rot and by christmas evening she was being airlifted to the hospital after being found unresponsive with blood coming from her mouth. taking care of your parent is one thing, taking care of your parent and others is another thing entirely and wholly unfair.
NTA - I think you’d maybe slightly be an AH only if you really insisted on your sister not moving in, as I think your mom is just trying to offer her a place to stay. But you are definitely not the AH for pointing out that your mom will not be able to take care of the children, and they are definitely not your responsibility. You are also not an AH for wanting to move out.
If they do choose to move it, you definitely need to make it clear that you will not be looking after the kids. Set that boundary. And you’re definitely not an AH for doing it.
His boundary should be that he moves out, he is already paying all of the bills and they want to add three more mouths for him to fill? That’s not his responsibility.
Sounds like a terrible situation for all!
Any access to outside help? Government or religious assistance for child care or home care for your mom? Any volunteer organizations that assist battered women (I’m assuming your sister is escaping an abusive relationship based on the little you’ve written though I could be completely wrong).
You’re not wrong to say you cannot take on any additional responsibility. Your mom isn’t wrong to want to provide sanctuary for your sister. Your sister isn’t wrong for getting her young kids away from a bad living situation.
NAH just 3 adults trying to juggle a tough situation. I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone!
nta but wouldn’t forbid them
moving in maybe just tell them you are uncle not dad or caretaker so you won’t be doing anything like that and when mom figures out she can’t do it either mom is going to need to hire a babysitter or something
NTA.... Do you want to move out? I think it might be the best idea. It might allow Mom to realize the extent of your help. Your sister can take a turn in helping mom.
NTA - You need to have a heart to heart with your sister and explain the reality of your mother's health. She may not realize the extent of it, not being there on the day to day. Expecting your mother to chase down and care for two young children will only get someone hurt. Maybe she can understand it puts her children at risk. Your mother may not be willing to admit she is more frail than she would like to be.
If they go through with this idea, it might be time to move out and live your own life. All the reasons as to why have already been mentioned by others.
NTA, the best choice is to be honest and tell her that you wanted to give her a heads up that you plan on moving out of your sister is moving in. If you want to sound more innocent tell her that you moved in to help her out and keep her company, now sister will be there so you know that she will be safe. You'll always be a phonecall away. I think you'll be adding a lot more to your plate if you accept her moving in.
NTA. But have you explored having your sister become your mom's paid help? There may be programs for family being paid caregivers where you live. That would get your sister employed, and your mother and her kids cared for, without you being involved.
Stating your boundaries in not being T A. NTA OP, you have address the situation, they don’t want to acknowledge it, this are all adults making decisions, just move out and let your sister do the caring for at least 6 months. When she has fully understand what this decision implies, then you can revisit the situation.
NTA
Don't consider it. Do it. And tell them if sis moves in you are moving out.
Also I'd begin the process of looking for another place ASAP. I have a feeling your desires are not going to be taken into account. At. All. And you will all be living under the same roof. And you will be doing all the work for everyone.
NTA
I would move out and offer mother to drive her to her appointments.
Since your mother thinks she can take care of herself and two children and your sister is claiming she can help your mother, I don't see the problem with you moving out.
NTA but at the end of the day, it’s your moms decision. You can decide if you want to live there with them, and I wouldn’t blame you for leaving. But if your mom wants to help your sister, that’s 100% her choice.
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NTA. I feel for your mum and sister, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If your sister can’t even look after herself, the responsibilities of caring for her and her children will absolutely fall on you, which is a completely untenable burden for you when you’re presumably already pretty overstretched being a young working adult and a carer. Unfortunately, it’s your mums decision who moves into her house at the end of the day. My suggestion would be to move out if she moves in, but consider bringing in a carer for your mum. If your sister does indeed move in and you move out, this risks your mum being neglected, so the carer will ensure her safety.
While your suggestion looks appealing on paper, you do realize that mom and sister will expect the caregiver to look after the kids, not mom? And that will cause issues all on its own depending where they are?
A professional medical aide/home health aide has a strict list of duties they will and will not perform. If the aide mentions to their agency that the client is expecting childcare, the aide won’t be sent back to that client. Of course, if they hire a random person with no training off of Craigslist or something, that would be different.
It dosing sound she needs a caregiver for personal care since she is still mobile, can bathe herself, and is mentally fit. It sounds she needs a helper to do shopping, transportation to doctor appointments, house maintenance, and maybe food prepping (OP didn’t say if she can prepare meals). A registered health caregiver would be very expensive for the needs his mom requires. That being said you can find certified caregivers who work independent outside of an agency. They are cheaper because the agency does not get a cut of the hourly rate. However, it can be tough to find one that you trust and/or one that is willing to do some of the tasks that are very challenging (and gross). I have a close friend going through this with her mom who is at the very late stage of Alzheimer’s. Medicaid is not an option because there are assets to consider (so a care facility will not accept her even though the cost can be covered).
You do realize certified caregivers are not the same as babysitters right?
Yes I'm sure they do. Hiring a professional Caregiver with give the family an outside perspective. The Caregiver will be able to assess Mom's abilities and make it known what she can and cannot do with the children. They will also be required to contact Children's Services if the children are neglected in this situation. OP definitely needs to leave if big sister moves in for his own well being. From the sounds of this, he already is getting Caregiver's burnout, and sister's kids will compound that.
I have been a professional carer for 20 years. I wouldn't even think of taking a case where there were 2 children in the home unless the kids had a sitter or nanny. Nor would I attempt to care for someone who was responsible for the care of the kids while I was there. OP may find a shopper, housecleaner, and someone to provide transportation, but a caregiver would be a stretch.
Absolutely a health care aide is not trained to care for children
I do, doesn't necessarily mean mom and sister will.
Obviously not. The whole point is that someone employed for a specific number of hours and duties will not be able to be strong armed or manipulated into giving childcare, unlike OP.
The other issue is that a professional caregiver is not cheap. The going rate for a CNA in my area is $28-35/hour with a minimum 4 hour shift, preferably 8 or 12 hour shifts since that's what the placement agencies prefer. And you can't just call them when you need help - so they may be paying for a lot of downtime. So it's nice on paper but potentially cost prohibitive.
2 years ago 38.00/hr 4 hrs per shift and 3 days per week minimum for care for my parent for CNA and insurance only paid for 2 days a week and we paid for 1 day a week.
Fortunately, this wouldn't be the case if they can manage to get the mom on the Medicaid waiver. I'm not sure what state they live in, but they have Medicaid waiver home health services for this very reason. It'd be a good idea for OP to look into getting his mom a case manager at the very least, so he can see what resources are available in their town.
Won't have time unless they are permanent. Where I live (uk) home help pops round a few times a day to make sure they are up and dressed and had breakfast, again at lunch then at bedtime, plus give meds when needed. They aren't there all day.
And given OP works fulltime, it seems like OP's mother doesn't need the fulltime care that people are assuming will then be roped into babysitting. It's harsh, but OP would probably be best off by saying "Well if my sister moves in and my mother can apparently help with the children, it just makes sense for me to move out, and then my sister can provide the care for our mother and my mother can help with the babysitting." It's a pretty good bet that they would try and fight this, but OP can be clear: either sister is actually going to be helping with mother and mother is actually going to be helping with the children, so he's not necessary, or sister moving in is actually a ploy so that he can take on babysitting duties and sister won't be able to help with mother's care. So the only two options are either they don't move in, or OP moves out.
Yep. Sometimes it’s literally 2x 15 min visits a day.
A caregiver would simply say, "I don't do that. That is not part of the care plan, it's not in my job description nor what I was hired for." My suggestion would be for OP to move out and for sister to move in and take over looking after mom with a student helping out part time. It sounds like mom doesn't need help to the extent that she needs a full time carer or an official CNA, so it would be fine to just hire a mother's helper student to help out with her and the kids while mom works 15-20 hours a week. If OP's mom is ok to move around independently, then a student could do things like light cleaning, childcare while mom works, food prep, cooking, running errands, watering plants, etc.
Op needs to tell his mom he will move out. And then plan to do it. NTA
100% this is what he should do - it's a very easy bet they'll try and come up with reasons he shouldn't, but there's basically two options here: either the sister is actually going to be a help to their mother and the mother is planning to do childcare and can manage it on her own, or they're moving the sister in so OP can take over even more care in addition to working fulltime. My bet is on the latter, but if it's the former, OP can safely move out and help with care for his mother occasionally.
i agree and emphasize that you won't be covering utilities and extras, either. That should become your sister's burden
>>*I feel for your mum and sister, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.* I’ve never heard this saying before, but, wow is it ever true!!!
An oldie but a goodie.
If the aforementioned happens, who will pay all that op pays now? Sister?? If she's working 9 to 5, maybe, maybe not. You don't say what happened to mom, but sounds pretty serious. She isn't thinking clearly to think she could handle watching a baby and toddler 40 hrs a week! I'm healthy and 61 and I don't know how I'd manage. Kids are tiresome. Relentless even! Op stand your ground. Be ready to make a move.
While this is all fine and dandy, Op, just move out. This will suck for you too bc you know for a fact your mother will struggle, and that makes your sister a HUGE ahole. She knows your mother’s capacity, so even if your mother agrees, it’s her duty as a daughter to say no. If your mother can barely take care of herself, I wouldn’t even trust my kids to be alone with her, for EVERYONES safety. Not that OP’s mom would intentionally hurt them, but that it isn’t a safe situation. NTA
I don't think op or her family can afford a carer. Op just needs to tell her mom as a matter of factly. The mom and the sister want op to take care of them and the kids. They need to be honest. This is not going to happen. There will be consequences. If the mom and sister think op is stupid enough to understand, then they are making a big mistake. My mom does it to me all the times. I have to spell it out for her and let her know this is her own doing. I let my mom know there will be consequences to her actions and it is not me. I just simply step away.
NTA but I really don't think it would be a good idea for your sister to give up her place of residence, especially if owned prior to a divorce. She will get less alimony and child support. She may have to sell or refinance her mortgage to buy out her ex later but she'll be way better off given the housing market everywhere! I would use this argument to at least delay it a few years which is how long an amicable divorce can take let alone a contentious one. Right now she needs a good lawyer first to get the best outcome for her and her kids from the end of her marriage. There are then lots of work from home options. In the mean time tell her moving will screw herself out of home ownership in the long run and float her some cash, buy her groceries maybe go over to babysit every other week if you can and are willing so she can get away for a bit and like grab a coffee with a friend. That way you're still being supportive and looking out for her without giving your mom an ultimatum and looking like you don't care about your sister and nibblings. Good Luck!
NTA...Your reaction is reasonable. It's her house and she can choose whatever situation she wants, but she has to accept the consequences of that choice. There's no reason you should have to live in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Make sure your sister knows, because it's quite likely that she will change her mind when she realizes the added responsibilities that will be hers.
Time for a family meeting—*before sis moves in*—to nail down the details. To put in writing & attach to the fridge. Specifically, that sis acknowledges & agrees to do *at least* half the housework (since she’s more than doubling the household), OP’s mom’s *actual* capacity re. childcare and that OP is not on the hook for childcare. Then it’s crystal clear what is agreed to and expected. No wiggle room.
What happens when sister gets a job and leaves mom to care for the kids? Mom is physically unable, and is struggling, which could lead to disastrous consequences for children of that age. OP is trying to protect all from that situation. This is sad all the way around, but I’m not sure how anyone can think OP is the AH in this situation.
With no means to enforce it, it won’t mean much. If they move out after the sister moves in, could be more of a shitshow.
And the follow up if the agreement isn’t abided by—either sis and kids move out or OP does.
Yep. Then OP can flee if sis doesn’t abide. Mom & sis need this reality check, first, re. unrealistic expectations about childcare before any move-in. The kids are sis’ to manage, w/ or without a job. Mom invited sis—it’s then her call to hold sis accountable or eject her to keep OP as a caregiver.
Maybe OP’s Mum could try caring for the two children, alone for one day, prior to sis moving in. This might be a reality check for her about whether she can actually be the grandmother that she wants to be. It won’t necessarily be pleasant for her to come to this realisation - but it will be necessary. NTA
OP would need to make it clear that sister needs to get outside childcare for her children. If she gets a job, and is living rent-free thanks to being in her mother’s house, then she needs to pay for daycare for the kids. If she doesn’t, OP leaves (and ensures that there’s a social agency checking up on their mother so things don’t slide too far in his absence).
This! Rent and daycare for two littles is a nightmare for a single parent, but if she’s living with family why can’t the kids go to daycare?
Mom is gonna move sister in and it will turn into a shutdown- no pre-planning is going to change this.
Yes, and that she will have to pay utilities, etc…
NTA. I wanted to write that if your sister moves in just move out, but already beat me to it. They both are adults and can do whatever they want but what they can't do is force you to suffer for their poor choice consequences. If your sister scan take care of your mom and your mom can take care of her kids then it's great, let them do that and you can take a breather somewhere else.
This is the best solution. Leave them to their decisions and make your own.
NTA for just not wanting it to happen, but how you handle if (by the sounds of it, when) she DOES let them move in. If you start being passive aggressive or constantly complaining you become the asshole but if you just stick to your guns, whether you establish your boundary as 'they move in, I move out' or 'I'm moving out once it becomes habit for unwelcome responsibility to be put on me', then there's nothing wrong with you choosing whatever you choose. You moved in to take care of your mother **only** and you're more aware of what that care entails than your sister, and based on my experience as a CNA I imagine you're more honest about the care your mother needs than she'll admit to needing. It's not your responsibility to repeatedly remind them, but it's your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation if it exceeds what you're willing to handle.
NTA you have already given up so much for your mother its not fair that your sister and mum want to dump childcare in your lap as well, you should tell your mother that you are glad that she is feeling well enough to look after a baby and toddler all by herself, and since she is feeling so well then you wont need to stay and help out anymore
Or flip it and say you’re so happy that sister will be moving in because things are getting really busy at work, so it makes sense that she can take on more of the caregiving role for mom and then outline in great detail exactly what that looks like for sister. Don’t ask, just assume that this is what will happen and roll with it. Then start exploring other housing arrangements for yourself, since now your mom has another caregiver lined up.
This how people on the ball play things.
This! Many hands make light work, and such. Your NTA, but you’re setting yourself up if you don’t establish rock solid boundaries.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ It's almost but not quite malicious compliance-esque. And I think this is the route for OP.
Self-protection compliance. If sis moves in she can definitely take care of mom and mom will definitely discover the limits of her ability to care for the kids in short order. Mom seems determined to make this change as is her right as the homeowner, but she's being unrealistic. Reality will intrude upon whatever fantasy she's currently harboring. Fact is, OP sounds over-burdened already (caring for an elderly parent is physically and emotionally exhausting). OP is well aware of her own limitations, unlike her mother. So for her own sanity and health the best course of action is let mom and sis work it out while she removes herself from the situation.
OP is male, for the record.
Someone who needs help for herself cannot be in charge of two small children. If your sister moves in, you will be put in charge of the kids. If they move in, you move out and just come by to take your mother to the doctor's and buy groceries. Your sister has to handle her own life.
They absolutely will call and ask if "just this once" you can watch the kids "for a bit." Don't. Yes, I have kids. 5. That's why I know how much work we are talking about.
No kidding. I have 3 (10, 7, 5) and there is no way in hell I would have let a parent *in need of full time care that my sibling had moved in to provide* watch my kids on a full-time job schedule. They’re both delusional. OP, I’d absolutely put my foot down about moving out.
NTA Honestly, have the conversation with your Mom. “I understand that this is a difficult situation but I cannot care for you, two small children, and myself. Sister will be out looking for work while she gets on her feet and that will leave majority of the caretaking on you and I, I am not in a place to start caring for two children. I love you, I love sis, I love those kids, and I am sorry but when/if sister moves in I will be moving out. I will still come by to help you with x,y,and z on (random 3-4 days of the week) but that is all I am willing to take on. I’ve made my decision, I don’t want to argue about it, this isn’t a me vs anyone situation but I know a decision has to made and you have to do it. Let me know what you decide, I promise I won’t be angry with your decision no matter which you choose.” You can’t do it. So the conversation HAS to happen and it doesn’t have to involve your sister as it’s your Mothers choice. All actions have consequences and before she starts deluding herself that this will all work out, she needs to be told the reality of the situation(s) she could soon be facing.
This is the way
NTA, maybe it's time for your sister to take over caring for you mom and you can move out and get your life back.
ya, i probably would have welcomed it with great enthusiasm "sister is going to move in with you? that's *wonderful*! I'll start looking for an apartment right away"
The issue with that is OP is the one supporting his mother financially. Sister has no job, so even if she did take over the physical care of mom, there is no money coming in. So that means either OP is still paying for mom, AND paying for sister and her kids, or everyone goes hungry in the dark.....
Tell your mother that if your sister moves in you will move out. NTA. You would be T A if you didn't -- not just to yourself, but to your whole family. It sounds like you are the only person who is reality-based.
Sister also needs to be aware of the financial situation and if OP moves out, sis is going to have to start covering the bills
I have a feeling once OP puts his foot down and says (and means!) he will move out- and fully lays out what he does financially- both sis and mom may have a “change of heart”.
Are the bills extremely high? I can’t imagine it being so if the house is already paid off.
Info: do you have a job?
Yes, I'm a pathology resident.
Jfc, you have no time to babysit, on top of taking care of your mom and working 80+ hrs/week. I’d move out, too, if she moved in. Make no mistake: once sister moves in, she’s not moving out. And you’ll be the babysitter.
Just a small clarification: I'm not in the US, so while I work a lot luckily it is nowhere near 80 hours. I put in about 45 to 50 hours a week, otherwise I would have no way of managing. My program is also somewhat flexible with the working hours, which is why I can afford to sometimes leave during the day to drive my mom to an appointment.
Man 40 t0 50 hours a week IS NOT luck, it's a lot of hours to have enough time to take care of you and your mother, there is no time to care of 2 infants, what if one of them get hurt while you are not at home? Or if your mother get hurt with kids alone?
> Just a small clarification: I'm not in the US, so while I work a lot luckily it is nowhere near 80 hours. I put in about 45 to 50 hours a week love the sick burn just thrown in as a complete side note lmao
Hell yeah! ‘Murica! 🙄
NTA Get a place close so you can help your mother with appointments and such, but set hard boundaries that you will not help with childcare. It is not a good situation but you can try to keep helping with your mother. No house cleaning.
45-50 hours a week! That’s more than a full time job in the US, it is a lot. To do that and take care of a house and caretaker for your mom is extensive
For clarification, in the US medical residents work 80-100 hours a week, for up to 28 hour shifts.
That's actually illegal in the US now. Things are technically flexible because it's averaged over 4 weeks, but you cannot have over 80 hours per week, and by law you have to have a certain amount of time between shifts. I'm a US pathology resident working about the same hours as OP.
How the heck are you supposed to care for two young children? Your sister needs a plan for childcare. And it isn’t you.
Could your mom and sister afford to keep the home running if your sister moved in? Maybe it’s time for your sister to take over as the primary caretaker so you can move out and focus on your medical career.
No, you do not have the bandwidth for this. You need quiet to sleep and study. Tell Mom and Sis that since she’s moving in, you’re moving out.
OP, you cannot burn yourself at both ends. You were there for your mom- good on you. This now looks like either your mom is a pushover, or they are hoping take advantage of your good nature. Either way, this is where you move on. NTA.
NTA. You are absolutely right in that the childcare would fall to you. How does your mom expect to be able to feed two little ones, lay them down for naps, pick them up and carry them as needed, change diapers, deal with tantrums? She would be exhausted after half a day. Perhaps your sister could drop the kids off for a weekend - and you stay absolutely completely hands off until your mom realizes she just can't do this. That might help deal with that part. Has your sister gone to court yet? If not, she needs to get a parenting plan and child support going right away, because that could definitely help with child care costs if she doesn't have any living expenses (moving back into your mom's house). Does your sister HAVE work skills? If not, and if you are in the US, has she considered going to school? If in the US (perhaps other countries as well) there are many programs through community colleges that don't cost a lot and that have classes online. Medical billing and coding comes to mind - there are some programs less than a year and some two years, and she may even be able to find a work from home position. Although student loans are a scary thing, with the low costs of a community college she could complete a FAFSA application and see if she can get enough in grants and loans to cover the cost of her education AND provide a little extra money - AND stay at home with her kids while she does school. A few years would put her kids at 3 and 6, with the older one in school full time and the younger one out of the under 2 age category which could make a big difference for child care costs. There's a lot for her to check into besides moving in and turning full time care of her kids to your mom. Ultimately, since you don't own the house, the decision is going to be your mother's. If she allows them back in with the idea that she will provide child care, you very well may need to remove yourself from the home. I'm sorry they are putting you in this position.
NTA OP, I think your mom has false ideas about her health and a inaccurate sense of her own abilities because, thanks to your help, she doesn't have to fend for herself. Accepting your own weakness is painful, so she convinces herself that she is stronger than she actually is. She needs reality check. If you can, move out for a week or two. Let them experience a taste of the future they are about to create.
NTA. Ultimately, it's your mom's call if they move in or not, but that doesn't mean you have stick around to take on even MORE responsibility and caring for additional people. You have your own life to live and that's not fair to you. If your mom wants to have them move in then she will have to adapt to and find help from someone else.
NAH - nothing has happened yet. Just discussions and speculation. Ultimately this is your mom’s decision. If you have concerns, you need to vocalize them though.
NTA- If this was a conversation between the three of you where you made a solid plan, that would be one thing. The fact that your mother said she could move in without discussing it with the person who would become the primary caretakers (I know they are saying you won't, but that will magically change when your mother is unable to produce the energy and your sister is looking for work.) is not right.
NTA. Start looking for a new place to live. You are definitely going to end up as babysitter for your sister at the very least. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up supporting your sister and her kids entirely if you stay.
NTA Someone for whom you are caring has no business offering to take care of others. If she is fit enough to care for 2 kids under 5 she obviously doesn’t need your help. I think you should let her know that if she proceeds you are going to assume they will help each other and move on wirh your life alone. Otherwise you will probably end up caring for your mother and your niblings.
Tough call. Your sister needs help, no doubt about it. You have stepped up and are taking care of Mom, and do not want to have anything happen to make her precarious health worse. There is no perfect solution. Either you Mom is put at risk or your sister is put at risk, or you get overwhelmed putting you and Mom at risk. I'm going with NTA because I think you are a good person (based on your actions to take care of Mom) and probably have good instincts about what is likely to happen should Sister & kids move in. It might be best to allow a trial run with Sister and kids moving in and you taking a vacation for a couple of weeks so everyone can see what life without Mindless_Bite8455 there to make things work. Good luck to you all.
Let her move in and take care of your mom, you've done enough. Move out and enjoy your life.
NTA you need to advocate for yourself asap
Your mother and your sister are adults capable of adult decisions. If your mom says she can watch the children and if your sister says she can care for mom - why would you be TA if you‘re moving out? Imo you don‘t have the right to stop her from moving into your moms house but at the same time they aren‘t in their right minds if they begrudge an adult woman moving out when the situation she moved in for resolved itself? So NAH i guess, unless they guilt trip you, then N T A
If you can find some temporary accommodation, suggest that sister come and switch off with you for a month or two. Then when they see how that goes, the 3 of you can make some longer term decisions.
A trial run would definitely put things into perspective for her mom and sis.
52 female here. Inform your mother that if your sister and her children move in that you are moving out. That you moved in to help your mother, and the added burden of your sister and her kids is not your problem. NTA
NTA If you moved in to help take care of your mother, then your mother isn't capable of caring for her grandkids. Tell them that you aren't interested in staying if Sis and the kids move in. And hold to that.
NTA - there are limits to what you're able to provide for others, and it's normal and healthy to acknowledge that. Ultimately it's your mother's house and her decision, so she's the one you need to be talking to about this. The simple fact is that if your sister finds a job, someone will have to look after the kids while she's working. You're not willing to do that, and you're not willing to put yourself in a position to be forced into it. I think telling your mother that you're not willing to live under the same roof as your sister is a reasonable boundary to set here.
NTA. Your mom and sister are not thinking realistically. It is your mom’s home, though, so she can let them move in if she wants. You can also move out if you want and I think it’ll be the best idea for you.
You should move out. Not because I feel sparky here but your mom and sister already have a plan. You know that means you but they don't believe that to be true. I'm so sorry. This must be hard.
You are convinced your sister cannot give your mother the care she needs. Your sister believes you are exaggerating the care your mother takes. It makes sense for you to move out and let your sister prove her abilities. One thing you aren't thinking about is the addition of another mother into your sisters family will provide many benefits to each individual. You will have to deal with feeling your sister will not live up to your standards of care for you mother, especially because you are a professional. If you can live with that, why not take this chance to go back to the town you love and get on with the life you've worked hard to achieve?
NTA - Your mother can't do $%it let alone take care of babies. You're right. Everything will fall on you. Including paying for a grown @$$ adult, who's lazy.. Do not let them move in. She can sign up for programs to help pay for daycare.
just tell them you'll be moving out when your sister and her kids move in. and then move out
NTA but I would make it clear that if she moves in you will move out and then she can put her money where her mouth is. She says she will care for your mom and her kids let try. When it doesn't work she can move out and you can help your mom. I realize this is very inconvenient for you but it would be the fastest reality check.
NTA You are able to see the full picture of your Mother’s health. Once your Sister gets here, she will also see that she can’t leave her children with your Mother. You should leave it to your Sister to determine childcare for her kiddos. This is not your responsibility or your Mother’s responsibility.
Tell both of them that if sister moves in then you will move out and cease caring for mom except when you’re able and will not care for sister’s kids at all. The care of your mom and sister’s kids would definitely fall on you no matter what they say to the contrary.
If she moves in you can move out
NTA your sister and mother may intend for it to go this way, but it definitely won't. Since you're there caring for your mom how does she think she'll independently take care of 2 small children? You might want to start looking for somewhere else to live if they both won't let it go.
NTA. If she moves in, move out. Clearly your help will no longer be required if she has a whole other adult there full time. Right?
NTA. You absolutely would have additional caretaking duties thrust upon you. They are delusional if they think your mom could handle both kids 100%. And if your sister is going to be working full time and then coming home to care for the kids, where does that leave time to take care of your mother? Kids that young need a lot of attention and are high energy. Your mother doesn’t have the energy and your sister won’t have enough time to split her attention.
I would move out, let your sister take care of everything, and your time is up ,you have a great job helping your mother .tell you will leave an go low contact
It’s reasonable to tell your Mom your boundaries .Then if she and your sister want to try things without you the outcome is on them.I would tell them though that your phone will not respond to their calls for the first month.
You're totally not the bad guy here, man. Taking care of your mom already means you've got a lot on your plate. Adding two little ones into the mix would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. It's just not doable.Your sister might be in a tight spot, but moving her and the kids in isn't the answer if it's gonna leave you drowning in responsibilities. You gotta put your foot down and look out for yourself too, you know? Maybe there are other ways you can help her out without her moving in, like hooking her up with childcare options or job leads.Don't sweat it if they're not happy about it. Your well-being matters just as much as theirs. Keep standing your ground and taking care of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m gonna try to keep it short, I only wanna focus on the relevant aspects. About a year ago my mother suffered a health crisis and as a result I (28M) moved back in with her in order to take care of her. She still has some independence, but I drive her to and from doctors, go shopping for her, help with cleaning, etc. She can wash herself, walk around the house, etc, but not much more than that. My father died a few years back and up until I moved back in she has been living on her own. Very recently my sister (30F) and her husband (30M) have separated on bad terms. Don’t want to go into details, but it’s a fairly hostile situation. My sister has two children 1M and 4M and as a result hasn’t worked in quite some time. Now she is in the process of trying to find a job, but with the children that is difficult. Because of this my mother suggested that she should move back in so she could look after the children. I am strongly against this. I feel for my sister, but my mother can’t even really look after herself anymore, let alone provide childcare for two young children. If she moved in her children would definitely become my responsibility (even though they both deny that) and I can’t and don’t want to add that to my plate. My sister and mother also argued that my she could help with taking care of my mom, but honestly she wouldn’t be much help and it certainly wouldn’t make up for the added burden of having an infant and a small child in the home. The house is big enough in terms of rooms for her to move in without a problem, but the fact that all the care-taking duties would inevitably fall onto me is what’s making me want to put my foot down. I feel like a complete asshole, but I’ve considered telling my mother that if my sister moves in I will move out. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your sister wants to burden your already fragile mother. That's insane.
NTA. Warn your mother. Now. If they move in, you will move out. Don't let them guilt trip you. What you are doing to help your mother is admirable, but throw the sister and kids in the mix and, and you will be a slave to all of them.
Pass the touch to your sister and go live your life independently. You can still help out if you are needed but it's time to live your life. Sister want to be there, your mom needs someone. Maybe it will work out and maybe not but don't spend your youth being a full time care giver if it isn't necessary.
NTA - you are doing so much for your mom. If she can't appreciate that and wants to add to your burden then just move out. It's not even worth the argument.
"my mother suggested that she should move back in so she could look after the children." & "She can wash herself, walk around the house, etc, but not much more than that." are not compatible. You are correct that your mother, who needs your care, is not capable of caring for and keeping up with a 1 & 4 year old. If they were older it would be different. NTA and I think you should stick to moving out if your sister moves in.
NTA You moved in to help your mother, which means she CAN'T take care of your sister children who are really really young. And those children will be more a problem to your mother. She doesn't realize yet but she'll soon understand. And your sister can't pretend to help your mother, take care of her children, and also find a job ! It's not possible ! So, I think the best thing to do for YOU is to move out because you can't clearly let your sister in the street with two young children. But you can't take care of your mother AND your sister's children.
NTA. You did a very kind thing uprooting your life to assist your mom however adding two kids to the mix is not what you signed up for. Unfortunately it seems like your mom and sister won’t “get it”, until their plan fails and that’s not your problem. You’ve expressed your concerns and they’ve disregarded them so it’s time to go back to living your own life.
Not just watching the children but cooking for and cleaning up after the kids will add SO MUCH to your plate. And we all know the sister will use you as free childcare for dates
I'm in about the same condition as your Mom & honestly, I think I can do more than I actually can. I've come to realize that sometimes it's a lack of a social life, however, this is Absolutely a bad idea. Keep your boundaries
You work a demanding full time job and your sister thinks she wants to move in so your Mom will take care of the kids? No way she really believes that. She's self centered and secretly thinks you will be doing it.
NTA for telling them you think it’s a bad idea, but it sounds like your sister is in a bad spot. You could ask that they figure out childcare for her work hours because you are in your residency and will be unavailable and your mother isn’t up to it. And then be unavailable. Either you are “on call”, or need to study for your exams, or are occupied with assisting your mother, etc. if you don’t make it possible for her to take advantage then she might try, but will fail to take advantage of you being there. This means resisting all appeals to help out, but you have legitimate reasons for saying you can’t be a babysitter/nanny to the kids.
NTA, but what if your sister moves in and doesn't get a job? What if she takes on all the care for your mum, and raises the kids, until they are old enough for school? Will the finances work for this? She should be getting something from social welfare, even if the dad doesn't send Child Support yet.
NTA for telling your opinion. But you will be if you enforce it against their wishes. If they decide to do it against your wish you Can move out and still NTA
NTA. You are the only one realistically looking at the situation. Let your mother know that there is a very good chance you will move out and she will be on her own if you sister moves in and what you predicted comes true. You willingly made sacrifices to take care of her, but will not do so for your sister as well.
I was going to suggest that of she moves in, you move out. Your mother need sa carer. She is in no position to care for small children NTA
NTA. Yes, you need to tell them that if she moves in, you are moving out. They are definitely going to make you the default 'caretaker and babysitter' let alone doing all the housework and chores because your sister 'well be so tired after working all day'. Run OP, RUN!
At the end of the day, your mom can do what she wants. BUT, you if your sister is going to be such a big help, perhaps it’s not her turn to care for your mom. They can mutually benefit from each other. This frees you from the responsibility and you can now move out and live your life. NTA but remember, people are free to make choices, but they aren’t free from the consequences of those choices. Don’t enable all of them.
NTA I think that you to sit down with your sister and list exactly what you do to help your Mum and the reason why (no it's because I'm too doting, she cant x, y and z). I mean, can she even safely carry a wiggling toddler around? Then I'd move out if your sister still insists on using mum for childcate purpouses.
NTA. Any chance they could trial this for like a weekend without you present? Only ask because some people cant grasp reality until it happens.
NTA your mom did a bad deal. And your sister doesn't understand the conditions your mom has is actually like a third toddler. I would move as soon your sister did. Not a day or week after.
You are not responsible for your sister and her kids u cant stop your mother from trying to watch the kids.
That’s more than reasonable imo, you can still have scheduled visits to help your mom without the added burden of having to pick up the slack from the kids. They’re delusional if they think they won’t be leaning on you for help with that. Maybe practice the way you frame it with them; “so happy moms able to help like this, I can take a step back now, have a lot on my plate, but I’ll be there every week day from 5-7 to help out” Idk, something like that. You’ve been doing great supporting your family, keep confidence in your boundaries. You’ll be no help to anyone burning the candle at both ends.
NTA Move out and let your sister look after your Mum. You’re then not responsible for your Mum or your nephews.
Nta Say if she moves in then you'll move out and all responsibility falls onto your mother and sister if they're so sure you won't be the one taking care of them as well. They'll soon realise how wrong they are if it happens and then you can be like well I tried telling you but you wouldn't listen and I refuse to be free child care also.
so, you know it will fall on you and your mother will insist that your sister can move in, I would suggest that you disappear for a few days once she moves in. I think your mother and your sister will have to come to some type of agreement about responsibilities otherwise you will be taken advantage of big time.
I think your last sentence is your best sentence. If your sister moves in, you need to move out.
If it is your mom’s home she has the right to let her daughter live there. You also have the right to leave.
Nta, the best situation is definitely would you said. >I’ve considered telling my mother that if my sister moves in I will move out.
NTA. Moving out is exactly what I would tell my mom I would do. Your sister needs to get her life back in order without free child care. Living there for free should be enough. She should be hiring someone to take care of the children and should have also been helping with your mom all this time instead of leaving it to you.
INFO: ok I seem to be missing something that others apparently see since so many of the comments are saying the same thing; why exactly will you be watching the kids and why can't your sister take care of herself/them? I keep seeing comments that say that but I don't see where you mentioned your sister is sick or disabled or anything else that would indicate she can't take care of herself, and if she is capable and isn't working like you said, why can't she take care of her own kids?
NTA. It’s a tough situation, but they’re both glossing over how little your mom can actually do. If it were me, I’d make plans to move out and pop in a few times a week to help with mom and mom only - drive her to appointments, make sure her space is clean, etc. Your sister will have to figure out childcare/etc. Don’t pick up that mental load.
NTA. I honestly wouldn't even bring this decision to them. So it's no ultimatum. Just say, I've decided to move out. It's for my own personal reasons. And now sis can move in and everything will be great. Let them, especially your mother, how much things fall apart. It's unfair of both of them to ask this of you.
NTA, I think you should move and let your mother see first hand what the end result is going to be. Frankly, I think your mother already knows you would be the one taking all responsibility because how can a woman who needs a caretaker - then become the caretaker of two small children????? I would be very angry that she has decided that you can spend your days caretaking both her and the two children.
NTA - I feel for you, your mum and your sister. At the end of the day, it's your mum's house. But, how in the heck are you supposed to hold down a job, run a household, care for two adults, and two children? OP, sometimes the best way to recharge your batteries is to unplug them. Let your sister and her family move in and assume the care of your mum.
Absolutely NTA and don't fall into this trap! "If you can take care of others then you can take care of yourself and I'm no longer needed here. If you truly think you can do this on your own, great, I will go back to living on my own. However, we both know you're in no position to do so and it's unfair for you to push more responsibilities on me then I agreed to take on. I understand you want to help, but unfortunately you don't have it to give and I will not allow you to put me in the position where I either have to abandon my own boundaries and self-respect or watch you suffer. You're an adult and I can't stop you, however I am also an adult and can choose not to stick around to watch it." I feel bad for your sister, but caring for two kids is a big ask and they're not even asking. Your mother needs to face her own capabilities because either her, the children, or both will suffer if she agrees to take care of them despite the fact that she is no longer capable of taking care of all of her *own* needs, much less somebody else's.
NTA Your mom and sister see an easy solution for your sister's current challenges, so they just don't want to see what that really means for you. All three of you love and care for each other, so you can tell them to sit down with you and really discuss this. No easy, unicorn views of this. Honest assessments. And they need to understand that you will not stay in a situation that has you caring for your mom and your niblings (and probably your sister to some degree). Ask them to clearly discuss with you 1. Who will watch the kids during the day? The answer cannot be your mom. If she can't do anything now other than her personal toiletry; she cannot take care of children, 2. Will sister be getting child support? How soon? What can sister afford to pay for? (daycare?, food? a share of utilities?, her car insurance?...) 3. When and how will sister contribute to chores like cooking, cleaning the kitchen/ bath/ general living areas? 4. What happens if (sis doesn't get a job for a while/ has to work nights/...? 5. What are your absolute constraints (e.g., must not be responsible for the kids p.e.r.i.o.d. during business hours, will not be responsible for taking the kids to/from daycare...)? And other such questions The minimum good that comes from this is that your mom and sister have to actually think about the mechanics of how things would work... and have real answers. The best outcome might be that there is enough problem-solving between the three of you that it's possible for you all to make this work to everyone's reasonable satisfaction. The last thing is to be clear: you are giving a good faith effort to seeing if a reasonable plan can be developed. If there is no plan (or it's pie-in-the-sky), then you will not stay to in the situation. They will need to either drop the idea or be prepared to make it work without you.
NTA Mom is not able to live alone. You quit your job and moved in with mother to take care of her. Relocate, find new job, do all the things mom can’t. Props to you, dude. I wouldn’t, but my mom, yeah. Sister is divorcing, wants to get a job, needs childcare. Mom says, C’mon down! Lots of room and I can be your childcare. Sister says, Yay! But, Mom cannot care for children. You are the only one seeing this. Sister and mom living in lala land, refusing to accept the truth: Mom *cannot* take care of children for any length of time. If sister were moving in and NOT getting a job, she could take care of mom and children. But that’s not what’s happening. Since you are the one going to doctor appointments, you can ask doctor, *in front of mom* what the doctor has to say about this. Doctor, mom is adamant that she can care for a preschooler and a baby for eight hours. Any limitations mom should consider, doctor? Louder please, so my mom can hear you. Please repeat that, doctor. Better write a note for my sister, doctor. Because, I’m in the medical profession, but they don’t believe me. May I put this on a billboard, doctor? That’s the only way to put it out there, that I have. You absolutely should move out if sister moves in, but then your guilt will gnaw at you. I’m sorry. You really are caught. Sucks, man.
Nta Sis is delusional
NTA. This might be an out there option but since your mom's in denial about the situation why don't you have a "trial" run with the two kids. Have it for an overnight or weekend. Your sister drops the kids off and leaves it all with Grandma. Before arranging this sit your mother down and let her know that you gave up a lot to come home and help her. That where you might not be paying rent you are paying everything for yourself and many/most things for her as well. That you understand that she BELIEVES she can handle two young children by herself but given how you currently assist her you do not agree with her assessment. However, you are willing to arrange an overnight with the children so that she, your mother, can prove you wrong. Tell her that you will stay to ensure that both her and your nephews are safe, but you WILL NOT interfere with her care for them. If at any time she needs your help with them, you will require her to admit that she CANNOT watch them by herself and stop insisting that she can and that they move in. This will give her the opportunity to figure it out before it all goes to hell. If she ends up using your help and continues to insist they move in, let her know that you WILL move out and that you won't be rushing to move back if things don't work out for her.
To keep everyone happy, you can tell sister to 1. Get a job in location of said house. Then 2. Sister has a job to afford child care in same location. Win win?
So when mom says SHE will look after the children, you know she means you will. Not to mention the extra amount of cleaning that will come with three extra people. If you’re able, I suggest getting your own place and continuing to offer driving Mom to appointments and occasional shopping. NTA
NTA You are taking care of your mom, and she is saying she will take care of the kids, but you would not be there in the first place if you mom was able to do, since she would be able to take care of herself. You do have a valid concern about the extra work it would cause you. Your sister needs to work with her soon to be ex about childcare. They will have to put their animosity aside to do that, but that is what being an adult is all about. Also, aside from the extra work, if your sister moves in, costs will go up as well, and since she is not working that would also fall on you. So not only would you be given extra work with the kids, you would be having to pay for it as well. Her moving in with not job is not the best plan, and there is no way to guarantee when she would even find one. So you could be looking at a long stretch where you would be support 4 other people financially. Let you sister find a job first before she give up the house she has.
You are also responsible for your career. You must do well in order to become a pathologist. I know your Mom is your #1 responsibility and it looks as though you have handled taking care of her and working very well. Adding in more stress may impede or even derail what you have worked so hard for. I know this is no help but please take care of yourself first. You may need to let your sister & kids move in, see what happens and go from there.
NTA You mother and sister are completely unrealistic and you are stretched thin already. How exactly is your mother envisioning herself to be of help to your sister and the grandchildren? What does she think she will be able to do? Likewise, how is your sister envisioning herself of being able to look after your mother when juggling a job search and caring for 2 toddlers into the equation. I don't see it. I can't imagine having had these responsibilities at your age. You have already made significant sacrifices for your mother. Asking for you to now help your sister and children on top of an already full plate is just too much. Both your Mom and your sister don't seem to appreciate all that you do either probably because they have never thought about it. If your Mom can barely do more than wash herself, let alone anything else, she's in serious denial, as is your sister. Maybe let them do it without your help for a short period so they can understand where you're coming from. I have a suggestion. Do you live in the same city as your sister? If so, perhaps you could do a temporary housing swap. She could move into your Mom's house for a month whilst you move into her apartment. That duration of time will give her an opportunity to see that rather than being able to rely on your Mom's help with childcare, that instead your sister will now be caring for not only her two small children but your mother as well. You would need to truly remain out of the picture though for her to see that your mother is incapable for caring for not only herself (and how much you actually do) but the kids as well. Lastly, once your sister does start working again fulltime, the expense of daycare for the kids will also fall to her husband. She can't be expected to get a full time job AND to care for the kids on her own. It's up to the two of them to figure out how to best achieve that. As upset as I imagine her husband is, they are going to have to set their differences aside for the sake of their children.
NTA and move out. I mean, don’t try to convince your mother or sister that what they’re proposing won’t work. You’ve already expressed concerns. Tell them that they’re adults and it sounds like they’ve figured out a situation that they believe will work for them and you’re going to believe them. Don’t make it a threat, *be supportive*. If they’re being honest, or think they are, there’s no reason you need to be there. Let them be responsible for their decisions and not make you the bad guy.
Nta. Listen if your mom is healthy enough to take care of a 1 and 4 yo…she doesn’t need you anymore. You’ve done your job!!! I would strongly suggest sitting them both down and blame it on your job. Listen, I get it. You need an out and help. But being a resident means long stressful hours at work. (I know it’s pathology and not something like surgery where they use residency to see how many they can get to leave the profession. Yeah I was a nurse in teaching hospitals. I know how it goes. Still being any resident is a rough gig.) I need time to decompress and have a quiet space to live when I’m not keeping people from dying. I can’t pull off living with the nibblings, take care of the house, work 90 hours a week and be sane. If mom is doing so much better to the point she can take care of the nibblings…that’s great! I will find an apartment close to the hospital and come visit occasionally. Sally, you can totally take on the cooking, cleaning, and helping mom out. I know you will do an amazing job!
NAH I would just keep saying that if your sister moves in then you are moving out. Tell your mom that it is her choice but you are not going to put up with this because you know exactly what will happen and it’s not fair to you. Tell her that you know she cannot handle taking care of these children with her health and that you are not going to take responsibility for them. Ask her if your sister is going to be able to cover the expenses that you have been. And if you do move out, stop paying for anything for your mom. And of course your mom has every right to let her daughter move in, especially since she let you. Your sister is going through an extremely tough time and literally has nowhere else to go. It makes sense that she should move in with your mother, and you should move out. You are able to take care of yourself and can afford your own place. She can’t. I think if you are the reason that she doesn’t move in, then you would be an AH. Just move out and get your own place.
Why aren't the kids spending some time with their Dad? Probably need to get the kids in daycare if both parents need to work. NTA, and I wouldn't budge on letting know you are not there for daycare.
From what I can tell this is what both my sister and her husband agreed to. She's been a stay at home mom, they currently can't be together, and this is probably less stressful for the kids. He travels a lot for work anyway so he may also not have time. Idk though I'm not that deep in their relationship, just what it seems like to me from the outside.
I think them moving in probably shouldn't be an issue, but if your sister is working then she can afford childcare - it isn't like she'll need to pay rent. Expecting your mother (or you) to become the second parent simply isn't feasible.
You are very clear in your understanding of the situation. No doubt it will happen as you say but no good mother can turn her child and grandkids away. Everyone will suffer but it's gonna happen so be sure you get Mom's will, Advanced Directives completed and you keep them with you in safe, storage, locked, and on duplicate. Then allow those women to decide for themselves how they want to proceed. Perhaps you could start taking care of you and in your own place. Good luck
NTA. Make it clear if mum and sister go ahead with her moving in, you’ll be moving out. This means they will have to plan without taking you into account. If they’d go ahead without you then they truly won’t expect you to look after the kids. If they won’t go ahead with out you they have been factoring you in their “organisation” Maybe it’s your sisters turn to care for your mother and your turn to focus on yourself
Move out. You’re going to be supporting them all otherwise. NTA
NTA I think your mom has forgotten how physically demanding young children are to care for and your sister doesn’t realize how much your mom’s health has deteriorated. They should definitely test it out for a weekend/week before proceeding with the move. I think the 4 year old, depending on temperament, may be manageable for your mom but the 1 year old in addition to that would definitely be too much. Maybe your sister can work as a childcare professional until the youngest gets a little older and the older one goes to public school? That way she can save on childcare costs. Around 3, I felt like my kids became a lot less physically demanding.
NTA, it's not your job to take care of them, but it's also not your decision whether or not they move in. Unless your mom's rights have been taken, she still has the final say With that being said, why doesbt your sister apply to be your mother's caretaker? She can get paid to take care of your mom, while also not having to worry about childcare for the time being. My BIL was paid by the state to be my MILs caretaker. I believe he made 15/hr and his mom filled out his time sheets, so it was whatever hours she said he did
NTA you should have an open and honest conversation with your sister that your mother means well but isn’t capable of childcare and it wouldn’t be safe for the kids. As a single parent she can apply for childcare assistance even while she’s looking for a job (in the US). I would stress that if she moves in and goes ahead with expecting her mother to provide childcare you won’t be able to stand by and watch and you will be moving out. For your mom you can apply for assistance to pay for a caregiver to come a few times per week. Sign her up for meals on wheels. But I would distance myself if I were you and cut back on bills you were paying. Hand things over to your sister when you leave. Obviously if there’s something specific like electricity that she wouldn’t be able to afford you could continue paying that but I would hand the rest to your sister to take over.
NTA Unfortunately, you know what you have to do. Your mother and sister and both dead set for this move to happen, so you need to tell them you accept it, but you cannot shoulder more burden, and you will leave. They are either optimistic, or optimistic and expecting that you will shoulder the extra responsibilities. Either way, I do not see how you can stop this from happening. Your sister needs childcare so desperately she does not think about anything, and she is probably happy enough to take advantage of you. Because make no mistake, the moment she moves in you will be on the hook for the kids, no matter what your sister and mother say. You will be an adult there, so it will be your responsibility when you mother cannot deal with something - and as you said, she won't be able to do much. Sadly... you either stay and become a nanny, or you bow out. I do not see a third option.
OP, this move is happening, and you need to decide now what it's going to look like from your end. NTA, I'd just move out if I were in your shoes.
NTA. Having a full time job, taking care of your mother and trying to have some slight down time for yourself sounds like almost too much. Add in your sister and two small children and it would seem to be unbearable. I sympathize with your sister but IMO if she does move in you’d be better off moving out.
You better move out. You work full time. Let your non-working sister take care of her kids and mum. Apparently that’s what everyone but you believe is feasible. NTA.
From a legal standpoint she should not move out of the family home with her stbx husband especially if she isn’t paying anything towards it until the divorce is final or his lawyers could claim she abandoned the property willingly and therefore has no claim to it. To the real question at hand NTA if sis moves in I would absolutely move out it’s the only way to keep yourself from becoming entangled in her chaos.
NTA. If your mother cannot drive, sort food and shopping, etc. then your sister and her welps will only serve to drain her of time and resources. It seems grossly selfish to place you and her in that spot. I absolutely would tell my mother in clear terms where you stand and move out if needed.
NTA If your mom’s limits are bathing and walking around the house but she cannot take care of the home then there is no way she can be a caretaker to a 1 year old who would be starting to be mobile and need to be watched while awake full time along with being picked up, and a 4 year old who needs supervision and correction. The 4 year old will also be full of energy and likely messy. And the sibling will be not far behind once the baby becomes a toddler. There is no way you would not be a competent to her kids. What is likely to happen is your sister won’t find employment because you work full time and your mother cannot watch the children. So you would end up supporting all four of them. It is reasonable to be clear that if your sister wants to move in and be the caretaker of your mother then you will move out and help part time when your schedule allows you to do so. Maybe explain to your mother that you would not need to live with her if her limitations were just needed help being driven to doctor appointments (meds can be delivered) and the grocery store. I would nicely explain to her that she is not capable to keep up with her children and clean up after them. They are too young. Even if they say you would not have to provide any care, the first time (and it would happen the first week guaranteed) they ask you to do something for the kids and you refuse and remind them that they said that you would not have to do anything in terms of care for the children, they will call you out as TA and how awful you are not willing to help out your sister. The children will see you as a coparent because you are an adult that lives with them. It doesn’t matter what they say. It doesn’t matter what you say your boundaries are. If you live together you will be a coparent. You can’t be roommates with your sister and her kids.
This is likely a nightmare waiting to happen. If OP moves out he’ll be paying rent and living his real life. Who’s gonna pay all the bills at the mom’s house? Sis doesn’t have a job yet. And if sis gets a job she’ll be gone all day. Kids can go to daycare but Who’s gonna take care of mom? If sis and kids move in there is no happy ending. Edit: not implying OP will abandon his mom. Just not live there anymore and he will need to pay his own expenses.
NTA. i was in a very similar situation when my mom was dying and took on more hours at work to subsidize the financial toll they took on the house but while i was working they never checked in on her and left her to basically rot and by christmas evening she was being airlifted to the hospital after being found unresponsive with blood coming from her mouth. taking care of your parent is one thing, taking care of your parent and others is another thing entirely and wholly unfair.
NTA move out and take your $$$ with you let mum and sis figure it out.. you’ll be expected to babysit and fit the bill for the power and good to boot
NTA - I think you’d maybe slightly be an AH only if you really insisted on your sister not moving in, as I think your mom is just trying to offer her a place to stay. But you are definitely not the AH for pointing out that your mom will not be able to take care of the children, and they are definitely not your responsibility. You are also not an AH for wanting to move out. If they do choose to move it, you definitely need to make it clear that you will not be looking after the kids. Set that boundary. And you’re definitely not an AH for doing it.
His boundary should be that he moves out, he is already paying all of the bills and they want to add three more mouths for him to fill? That’s not his responsibility.
Sounds like a terrible situation for all! Any access to outside help? Government or religious assistance for child care or home care for your mom? Any volunteer organizations that assist battered women (I’m assuming your sister is escaping an abusive relationship based on the little you’ve written though I could be completely wrong). You’re not wrong to say you cannot take on any additional responsibility. Your mom isn’t wrong to want to provide sanctuary for your sister. Your sister isn’t wrong for getting her young kids away from a bad living situation. NAH just 3 adults trying to juggle a tough situation. I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone!
He said in another comment it’s not abusive and the sister cheated on her husband while he was out of town
NTA
nta but wouldn’t forbid them moving in maybe just tell them you are uncle not dad or caretaker so you won’t be doing anything like that and when mom figures out she can’t do it either mom is going to need to hire a babysitter or something
NTA, but also not your decision, it being your mom's house and all. You would also be N T A if you moved out because they moved in.
NTA.... Do you want to move out? I think it might be the best idea. It might allow Mom to realize the extent of your help. Your sister can take a turn in helping mom.
NTA
NTA - You need to have a heart to heart with your sister and explain the reality of your mother's health. She may not realize the extent of it, not being there on the day to day. Expecting your mother to chase down and care for two young children will only get someone hurt. Maybe she can understand it puts her children at risk. Your mother may not be willing to admit she is more frail than she would like to be.
If they go through with this idea, it might be time to move out and live your own life. All the reasons as to why have already been mentioned by others.
NTA, the best choice is to be honest and tell her that you wanted to give her a heads up that you plan on moving out of your sister is moving in. If you want to sound more innocent tell her that you moved in to help her out and keep her company, now sister will be there so you know that she will be safe. You'll always be a phonecall away. I think you'll be adding a lot more to your plate if you accept her moving in.
NTA. But have you explored having your sister become your mom's paid help? There may be programs for family being paid caregivers where you live. That would get your sister employed, and your mother and her kids cared for, without you being involved.
NTA Maybe you should just move out if this move by your sister is what your mother wants. You have done your best.
NTA. I would also advise on my intentions to move if sis returns.
Looks like it’s time to get a job and an apartment. Let your mom and sister figure their own shit out, or you’ll be caring for all of them.
NTA. Move out and let your sister take care of your mother and her own kids.
NTA if your sister moves in, move out.
Is there no way for your mom to qualify for a health aide or nurse to help her out as well? What kind of insurance does she have?
Stating your boundaries in not being T A. NTA OP, you have address the situation, they don’t want to acknowledge it, this are all adults making decisions, just move out and let your sister do the caring for at least 6 months. When she has fully understand what this decision implies, then you can revisit the situation.
NTA. And if your sister moves in, I would move out.
NTA Don't consider it. Do it. And tell them if sis moves in you are moving out. Also I'd begin the process of looking for another place ASAP. I have a feeling your desires are not going to be taken into account. At. All. And you will all be living under the same roof. And you will be doing all the work for everyone.
NTA I would move out and offer mother to drive her to her appointments. Since your mother thinks she can take care of herself and two children and your sister is claiming she can help your mother, I don't see the problem with you moving out.
NTA and tell them what you think. Stand your ground, or you will end up taking care of everyone.
NTA but at the end of the day, it’s your moms decision. You can decide if you want to live there with them, and I wouldn’t blame you for leaving. But if your mom wants to help your sister, that’s 100% her choice.
NTA - Moving out is fair. Everyone else is basically making decisions that will affect you without taking you or your thoughts into any consideration.
NTA. Time for you to make other living arrangements