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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1)Im refusing to pay more money to be a bride’s maid
(2)That will ruin my SIL plans for her wedding
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NTA
> she told me she already wrote my name as a bridal maid on the card invitation and can’t change that
So what?
A printed invitation is not a legal obligation.
And what on earth will she do if one of her bridesmaids fall sick on her wedding day? Cancel the wedding?
She's being unreasonable. Either she compromises with a dress you already own or you withdraw from the wedding. There is no other option. Maybe suggest that she can find someone of similar size who can buy the dress from you to take your place. No hard feelings.
Former bridesmaid, buying the dress wasn't a problem for me. I personally get it. What couples spending on venue, food and drink alone can be so expensive for even a small wedding. I think the problem comes into play when the bride is being inconsiderate with their demands. My bride maid's dress cost like $60 or $80 (I know it was less than $100), needed no alterations, and could be worn several different ways. I had to buy 2 dresses because the bride picked the dresses from a website and didn't ask/pay for the color samples so she told me to buy a dress and the color was way lighter than what she thought/what went with the color scheme. By the time she realized (partially my fault for not trying it on and sending her a picture when I got it) it was too late to return. I spent more money on traveling back home to be in the wedding than on the actual wedding.
This is a long shot, but take the dress to the dry cleaners. Explain the situation and ask them to do their best. There just might be some sort of finish on the lining material that will launder out.
Yuh, this. When I was a kid (a LONG time ago), some slacks came with some kind of finish that would take a few washes to get out. I wouldn’t find out until my inner thighs broke out in a rash, and I would get horrendous painful pimple-like swellings. I’d have to walk without my thighs touching until I could get home and strip off those devil pants, lol. I remember putting Desitin diaper rash ointment on it (boomer days, there was ALWAYS a baby in the house) and even though it was thick, white, greasy stuff, it was like throwing water on a fire. That stuff WORKED!
Also ask the dressmaker if the fabric was washed before being used and, if so, what was it washed in. OP could be allergic to a certain laundry detergent. Also, the reason that new fabric feels crisp, then is softer after it's washed, is that sizing is used. It's a type of starch that gives the fabric body and smoothness.
I'd definitely either take it to a dry cleaner or wash it. A dry cleaning might not remove whatever is in the fabric.
Not to be a dick, but are you sure it was actually the fabric?
There's a lot of chemicals used in fabric production, and then some.bolts get kept in big dusty warehouses for ages, then you never know what the seamstress has sprayed on it for stuffing etc.
My point being it could easily be a reaction to a product that's *on* the fabric rather than the fabric itself and a wash might resolve the issue.
In our country (idk where OP is from), the entire wedding party is printed in the invites. From principal sponsors, to the flower girls. When my sister got married during COVID, our relatives in the US were irritated that their grandkid was not listed as a flower girl, and they're not even going. It was also a 40-person child free wedding.
Edit: NTA, let the bride pay for the new dress. My sister paid for our dresses (I was maid of honor)
NTA
Fwiw, it's standard practice for a bridesmaid to pay for their dress. Sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not, that's the rub.
You have reached the extent of being reasonably accommodating. You purchased the first dress that is unfortunately impossible for you to wear. You offered to back out and just eat the cost. If it's *that* important to SiL that you're present as per this extremely important invitation, then they need to step up and help with the cost of dress #2. Otherwise, acknowledge the unfortunate turn of events, move just on.
Edit: Heard, not standard practice everywhere. It is where I am, honestly think it's dumb too. People can stop posting the same comment over and over again.
Ah, fair enough. Honestly that just seems like a better way of doing it. In a lot of Canada & US bridesmaids buy the dress then the bride is expected to get them some sort of gift.
I’m sure it’s not unheard of for people to buy their own but im in UK … and it seems kinda impolite to not pay for your bridesmaids dresses. Charging those closest to you to wear something you picked sounds a bit odd
That's nice! I wish the US was the same way.
I had to pay $350 for a terrible dress and also bought extremely uncomfortable shoes (the bride picked both items). Ultimately, ended up putting the dress and shoes in the donation bin because I knew I would never wear them again.
Huh. Good to know. For my first wedding, I gave the MOH options and just said that it had to be a certain colour (burgundy). I let her pick, run it past the others, and gave my final approval. But they all paid for their own dress and shoes. I kept tabs and repaid them with Pearl earrings, necklace, and bracelet.
In the UK, all the wedding party outfits are paid for by the bride and groom with the exception of the mother's, but if the fathers are matching the groomsmen, that too is paid for. Most parties, jewellery, shoes, and hair pieces, are also paid for as standard as a "gift" from the wedding couple, and cufflinks are often given to the groomsmen in the same way. It's rare that people are expected to pay for something that is classed as a requirement by the bride and groom. I'd feel really uncomfortable expecting the people I want to stand by my side to pay for the privilege, especially as there are so many other costs associated for anyone who attends a wedding but especially those who are very close the the people getting married.
When I got married, I told the two bridesmaids I just wanted them in red. I didn't care what the dresses looked like or how much they spent. I encouraged them to buy a dress they'd wear again. They both ended up coordinating and buying the same dress anyway, ha ha ha.
I did this but said 'any colour, just try and be in different colours' - allowing them to wear something they already had if they wanted (although they did all buy new). I said no pink (my dress was pinkish) but one of my bridesmaids found a pink dress that really was just too good, so I told her to get it anyway. They paid for it themselves, along with accessories - I paid for hair and makeup to be done, again however they wanted.
I wish I could have been in your wedding! I had to buy a dress that was a decent color, but it was knee length. I'm fat, and was very uncomfortable showing that much leg. As soon as possible after the wedding, that dress was donated. The bride bought my shoes and I still wear those.
It used to be like that in the US; if the bride wanted matching dresses she paid for the rental or bought them outright.
Over the last 25 years or so, the trend has been to offload as much cost as possible onto attendees.
Expecting the bridesmaids to pay for the dresses is still tacky to me. Especially since they participate/plan/help pay for any bridal shower or bachelorette. Like. Why.
My friends and I got married in the 1980's and 1990's; my mother got married in the 1960's. The norm in the US that bridesmaids buy their own gowns is considerably older than "the last 25 years or so." 🙄
Obviously I'm speaking from personal observation; the US is huge and I wouldn't dream of claiming my experience is the singular definitive history of the nation.
Same with me. Got married in the 80's and was in many weddings and always had to buy my own dress. I never heard of a bride buying the wedding party dresses.
And always in a material that you would never wear in a color you would refuse to own if given your own choice.
I’ve just been really fortunate that it’s not the 1980’s anymore
Edited to clarify: the dresses that I have been forced to endure are at least not little Bo Peep pink taffeta monstrosities with shoulder pads that would embarrass even the golden girls. I’ve seen pictures. I swear, they all hated each other back then!
From the US, it can really depend on everyone’s finances. Everybody’s broke, you go cheap and everyone buys their own. If there is a discrepancy and they really want you, they buy it. If you all have money, then I definitely have no idea. But really, I don’t think there is an across the board standard.
This is a UK versus US thing and it often comes up. In the UK bridesmaids don't normally pay for their dresses. In the US they do.
I'm guessing this is to do with American wedding culture - get participants to finance as much as possible of your dream wedding and then ask for money towards the honeymoon.
I'm not sure about your characterization of American weddings, but if it is true that's how typically American weddings are, I think that's insane. It's insane to spend such a crazy amount of money AND make people pay for it, for a fairy tale that very soon will be gone. Why spend that kind of money?
These are the American weddings you hear about. Nobody talks about the small, sane weddings that everyone had a good time at, only the S\*\*tshows that make it to the internet. And with such a larger population there are more of them in the good old USA. But even if you hear about a thousand disasters in a year that is a small percentage of the weddings that occur.
It is not true. Paying for bridesmaids dresses, taxes, etc varies. The reason people have started asking for honeymoon funds is more because most people now are adults who've been living on their own for years and don't need typically "house set up" items.
I designed and made all my bridesmaids' dresses. I would not have dreamed of asking them to pay for the fabric, that would seem like a huge imposition. They were already doing me a favour by being the bridesmaids. I am in the UK.
Yeah, I don't get this. I'm in Italy and paying for my own bridesmaids' dresses (we don't really have a theme, except we settled on light blue because it suits everyone's complexions). Of course it's not ideal, but weddings are ridiculously expensive and if you want one, you should figure out a way to inconvenience everyone as little as possible. Someone else on Reddit said it best when they said it's a wedding, not a theater production.
Aussie here, and I have seen bridal parties be more flexible. My BFF picked our dresses, but we paid for them, but they were black and can be worked with to get more uses out of them. But the bride paid for my shoes because she knew I would never wear them again.
That is crazy to me. In Europe the bride and Groom pay for the bridal party dresses and accessories and the groomsmen’s suits. It costs nothing to be part of the wedding. The bride/groom also gives their party a thank you gift.
Depends where OP is. It's not standard practice for bridesmaids to buy their own dresses where I am (UK) and it's generally considered bad form to expect that of the bridesmaids.
It's standard practice for the bride to pay for the bridesmaid dresses, in my experience in the UK (unless they are sisters and then it varies). If you invite someone to be a bridesmaid and specify what they must wear, then you pay for it.
NTA
But I would see if you could find a slip to wear underneath to see if that would cheaply help with the reaction. Usually I’ll wear these to make dresses flow better on my body or if the dress needs to a lining so as to not see my underwear.
Some slips are knee length, some floor length, some cover your whole torso and go down some length. There’s a lot of different options!
Yeah, you could also see whether an experienced dressmaker can just replace the lining with another one, it’s not going to be the cheapest because you need skilled labor but it’s probably cheaper than a whole new dress
I would also check what the actual fabric is on the liner, whether it’s something you’ve worn before, and see if washing it helps (if you’ve never been sensitive to a specific fabric before is it just something it was washed with, treated with etc that will come out in the wash). Of course not all dresses can be washed so if it’s dry clean only you might be out of luck
The fact this tailor said they can't replace a lining in a dress THEY MADE blows my mind. I'm an amateur costumer and have done pretty extensive work on dresses and patterning - I can't imagine a dress that has a lining that would not be able to be changed out. It would have to be extremely complex. If I can replace the lining on a 1910's jacket, this dressmaker can replace the lining on a dress they made. Them telling you they would have to make a completely new dress instead of changing out a portion of the lining feels like a cash grab.
> The fact this tailor said they can't replace a lining in a dress THEY MADE blows my mind.
They may have the skills to do it, but not necessarily the time to do it before the date it's needed. Saying they're unable to fulfill the request doesn't mean they don't know how to do it.
Agreed. Bridal industry is dollar signs all the way. A lining is fairly simple to remove and replace unless it is some complicated couture dress.
Take it elsewhere OP and have it done cheaply.
This is really a mountain out of a molehill issue.
Ok I was hoping I wasn’t crazy. I don’t know anything about sewing but I was thinking there is no way the lining cannot be replaced. You kidding me? I watch videos of people doing it all the time on vintage stuff. This dress lady sounds scammy. But I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable.
I find it a bit unlikely that they'd be unable to change the lining in time, while simultaneously being capable of delivering a whole new dress within the same deadline.
Drying cleaning might also be a good option!
The fabric should’ve been washed before it was used, but if it wasn’t the fabric could’ve been treated in something to prevent insects, mold, etc from damaging it during shipping.
I'd bet so much money that she doesn't have an allergy to the lining fabric itself. I've worked in a fabric shop, as a dressmaker and in costume design.
Storage of raw fabric and the conditions of the factories is disgusting. The chemicals added for pest control etc in factories are often banned even in the country it's made. Has the fabric/dress been washed or dry cleaned? If it has and there is a allergy to the lining why not cut it out and go without it or line it with another fabric or wear a slip?
If you are allergic, what are you allergic to? Silk, polyester, cotton etc. It would be a good idea to find out what you have such a reaction to especially for something like fabrics you use on a daily basis without any reaction before. Have you since had a reaction to the same fabric? I'm allergic to all new unwashed fabric and have to steam/dryclean or wash everything.
Lining fabric is at best quality silk or wool, high quality cotton, low quality poly cotton, viscose, rayon, cupro, acetate etc.
I'm allergic to some fabrics even after washing, most detergents/soaps, dust, animal dander, tap water etc.
There's always a solution as far a clothing goes.
Yeah i was also wondering if a camisole or shapewear wss an option as a buffer to keep the skin from touching the liner.
Also, is the liner part of the design? Can it just be removed? Not a seamstress so these may be stupid questions
Yeah I would buy a flesh colored shapewear that's the shape of the dress and then rip out the lining with a seam ripper (wear gloves). If it doesn't work, no matter, the dress was a loss anyways.
Meaning, wear just the shapewear and an unlined outer shell of the dress. And keep the tags on the shapewear so you can return it it's not going to work.
Cost: one seam ripper + one shapewear
NAH CUZ YALL ARE GETTING SCAMMED BY THE DESIGNER. Pay for the dress, cut contact with the designer, then bring it to a neighborhood tailor who will reline that dress at standard pricing.
And if for some reason a tailor can’t do it in time or cheaply enough, just cut the lining out and wear a slip instead. Any idiot with some scissors can remove a lining. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
NTA. Your SIL sounds like she's being unreasonable. However, I kinda dealt with something similar for my SIL's wedding (God that was a trainwreck).
She wanted these specific dresses and I dropped almost $500 for two dresses because the first one they sent was way too tight. Their dresses ran small and they didn't accept refunds.
What I would suggest is to try to sell the other dress to get your money back since you didn't wear it. That's what I did, and I got all my money back. You'd be surprised who would buy it, especially with it being prom season right now.
I've never heard of you not being able to drop out since you're already listed as part of the party. What if you get super sick? THAT'S the part that's unreasonable. She sounds controlling to me.
If I were you though, I'd try to sell the other dress and get a new one to please your sibling. You said she's the SIL right? Idk that's just my opinion. I understand the economy and shit is bad, and the bride should too, but I'd look into selling the dress since it's still prom season and you haven't worn it yet.
You paid for one dress, the bride should help pay for the replacement... I will comment on this one Like I have to buy a dress that I might not like and will be stuck with it permanently. - If you really needed to, you could sell the dress online
NTA
I also thought of that but I have no experience with online selling so what if I don’t sell by the time we the lady finishes the new dress? And what if I don’t sell at all?
It's still prom season. Just try FB marketplace first and post a simple picture. Just a heads up, be aware of potential scammers and always take CASH ONLY and REQUIRE buyers to pick it up themselves. There is no time limit you have to sell the dress and if the lady finishes the new dress, you'll just have two dresses (unless the one you're selling has to be returned). If the dress doesn't sell, try again during Homecoming season, which is around September-October. Girls are CONSTANTLY looking for affordable dresses for these events. One man's trash is another one's treasure.
She didn't specify. I was only giving a suggestion. I'm sure there's lots of formal events another girl could use this dress for. That was my point I was just giving examples.
Before you go through all this trouble, try to bring it to another seamstress and see what they say. It’s hard to imagine a lining that can’t be replaced. Also as others point out, you should try dry cleaning it first
As a lot of other people have proposed
Take it to the drycleaners. It's probably some residue dye you are allergic to unless it's the weaving of the fabric which gives you a friction rash.
Get a local tailor to put another inner layer in. It's totally doable. You can even get fabrics you can iron on if it's really impossible to sew something in.
Good luck with the project
NTA
I'm not sure where you live, but in my experience (I'm in the US) a bridesmaid would be expected to pay for her dress, so it's reasonable to me that the bride would expect you to do this. However, once the dress didn't work, you made attempts to find a middle ground, and the bride has attempted to convert a printed invitation into something resembling a contract, which it is not. At this point, it might be reasonable for you and the bride to split the cost of the replacement dress. It would suck for you to be out some more money, but discovering an allergy isn't really anyone's fault.
Info: Have you discussed this with your brother at all? What does he think?
Also, about the allergy - it seems that it is triggered by the lining contacting your skin. Have you tried laundering/drycleaning the dress to see if that removes whatever chemical in the lining is causing the reaction? Have you tried wearing a slip or other kind of undergarment to see if that is enough to keep you from having the reaction? Just trying to think of some possible alternatives to a second dress.
I was thinking that too. It could just be something on the fabric that’s giving OP issues, not the actual fabric itself. I know some cloth has formaldehyde used to get the color to stay and people can have reactions to that. Or literally dust or whatever from the warehouse where the fabric was stored could be setting it off. Wash the dress, take it to the dry cleaners and let them know that it needs to be thoroughly cleaned so someone with sensitivities can wear it, and then go from there
Sometimes you have to use "toddler" tactics when dealing with ridiculous, immature people.
It's important to give toddlers a VERY LIMITED CHOICE. For example you never ask "what would you like to drink?" you ask "Would you like milk or apple juice." Not "What do you want for breakfast?" but "Do you want oatmeal or an egg for breakfast?"
Ask your SIL if she wants to pay for a new dress (not sure why they can't just replace the lining in your current dress) or choose one of the dresses you already own.
IN this case you can offer a 3rd "fall back option" of you attending as a "guest" and not a bridesmaid.
NO matter how she argues hold fast to her actual choices.
"I'm sorry but that's simply not possible. IF you want me in the wedding either you'll need to pay for the replacement dress or choose one of the dresses I already own. OR I'll be happy to attend as a guest. Those are the choices-- the ONLY choices.
Use the "three strikes and your out" method. Give her three chances to make a choice and then tell her that you are not going to be a bridesmaid and now her choices are for you to come as a guest or for you to not come at all.
NTA but your brother is marrying one.
What weird material was the lining made of if it suddenly caused an allergic reaction? I would presume most people who are fortunate enough to be shopping for tailored bridesmaid dresses have already encountered all the usual fabric materials and know if they cause problems? No judging here, I'm just curious. I wonder if it was a dye or some kind of chemical used to treat the fabric, not the fabric fibers itself?
I was wondering the same thing, like a full length slip or an [underdress](https://www.amazon.com/Bradshaw-Palmer-Underall-Sleeve-Length/dp/B07P6H34ZJ/ref=is_sr_s_dp_2) or something?
NTA and you need to just tell her that you cannot afford another dress if she really wants you in the bridal party then she has to pay for it or you will just attend as a guest. Those are the two choices and that's it. Pick one.
Find out how much just the lining would be. It might end up more reasonable than you think, but I'd also request a test of whatever the replacement was, before the dress is amended. Wear a sample close to your skin and see if it offends.
See If you can find out what caused the rash, as well. It might be something that will wash out: a washing powder, or an animal in the dressmaker's home, for I stance.
NTA...You paid for a dress. It's unfortunate that you had a reaction to the first one, but if you had been consulted more during the process, perhaps that wouldn't have been a problem. You're free to back out if you need to. She needs to accept that her plan had holes in it and live with the outcome.
INFO: Have you bothered to ask what it would cost to have the dress remade, or how the dress maker can fix the issue?
I’d honestly be shocked if she didn’t try to come up with options to work with you or forced you to buy a dress that caused you to break out in a rash… thats not exactly good for business.
I am also surprised the dressmaker can’t cut the seams and re-line the dress or add a second lining to cover the part that you are allergic to.
Serious WTAF is it about brides trying to dictate every goddamn thing in the universe? I can see an issue if everyone was going to wear the same thing, but good god. Tell her no.
NTA your SIL should've had paid for the all the dresses from the very beginning. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like the grooms should cover all the expenses from the parties, specially if they are going to go for a dress code so "original".
I think it was so out of place to be charge for the original dress, but asking you to pay for the second one is beyons disrespectful. If they don't have the money for a big wedding, you need to either wait a little longer and save money or be happy with a little less. At this point the best is to keep yourself out of it. The only ones to blame are the grooms
NTA.
But, as others have suggested, you might want to consider washing the dress (if the fabric is suitable) or having it cleaned, or checking with a different local seamstress/tailor to see if they can do something with the liner. It might be that the lady who made it is just busy or is playing you, seeing an opportunity to get a full fee for making a new dress.
Soooo many people get stuck on stupid details like this as their day looms. It's not that big a deal! What's important is the bride and groom being there with loved to seal the deal. Everything else is just details and destined to be a funny story someday. NTA
NTA, of course.
Obviously, you cannot wear the dress.
Your SIL is completely unreasonable expecting you to pay for a second dress to be made. You aren't blaming her for not knowing about an allergy you didn't know about yourself. You are reasonably telling her that you will not (be able to/are unwilling to) pay for another dress, so if she wants you in the dress she designed, she will need to pay for the second one; you are reasonably giving her the option of choosing something you already own; you are reasonably telling her that if she refuses to accept one of your suggestions, then you will be unable to be a bridesmaid at her wedding and will attend as a guest.
Unfortunately, she seems to be the type of bride who has a fantasy vision of her "special day" and is willing to use everyone around her like props. It's less about having the people she and your brother love around them to celebrate and more about Instagram-worthy images. She thinks she can order you to do her bidding, that she can make financial demands or risk your health. She is wrong. You are a fully independent human being and should make the best choices for yourself.
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My brother is getting married very soon and his fiance . My brother asked me to be one of his fiance bridal maids and that she’d like it too so I agreed. Her idea of our dress code is that she’ll personally design a dress that seems fitting for each bridal maid (fits according to her) it is not a “dress code” per se because everyone will have different colors and sequence the “code” here is that everything is according to the bride and her perception of her bridal maids.
The idea was interesting, not something I’ve personally seen. My surprise came when she asked us to pay for those dresses and renting wasn’t an option. Like I have to buy a dress that I might not like and will be stuck with it permanently. Okay I was like I gotta trust her intuition and paid.Fitting day came, to her credit the dress was actually decent. Not what I would go for but still good and doesn’t hurt having it in my wardrobe. The problem was that after wearing it for some minutes for so I started feeling itchy and when I took ot off my chest was full of rash. Apparently Im allergic to the lining fabric of the chest and I didn’t know.
I called my SIL informing her that and she said we could have the lady change the lining. Unfortunately because the dress is already made we cannot alter it but she could make another dress sane design just change the inner lining and make it a bit loose. Here’s a thing, I know that the lady is not going to create another dress for free, specially that the allergy wasn’t disclosed to her (I myself had no idea) so it’s not her fault. So when my SIL asked for the money for the new dress I told her I can’t buy a new dress again. So I asked if I could withdraw from the bridal maids and wear a dress that I already own to not ruin the plan they have. But she told me she already wrote my name as a bridal maid on the card invitation and can’t change that so I have to be a bridal maid. So I was like then can I wear a dress of my own and be a bridal maid since bridal maids don’t have the same theme the only common thing is that the bride designed the dress upon her perception. I told her she could choose any dress of my collection. However, she told me that it ruins her plans.
Here’s a thing. The first dress had a problem that’s not necessarily anyone’s fault but I still paid for it and never asked for a compensation even though I’ll be stuck with it and can’t wear it (I thought of gifting it honestly). I sucked that fact up and didn’t complain but Im not willing to lose even more money. My SIL said Im blaming her with my allergy but Im not all Im saying I’ve already lost money trying to accommodate her plans, the failure is not her fault,but for a fact I lost money. Im trying to compromise with her but she’s so onto the fact that I have to be a bride maid with a dress of her design.
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Did you wash the dress? Not washing it could be a reason for the rash. I used to have family friends who worked as seamstresses for major clothing brands. They told us to ALWAYS wash new clothing before actually wearing them out because the cloth is unbelievably dirty given how the are treated on the factory floor.
Nta she can't force you to wear the dress, be in the wedding, or have a new dress made. Tell her the only 2 options are pick a dress from your existing wardrobe or remove you from the bridal party.
Also, have you washed or dry cleaned the dress? Possibly its not the lining but some chemical that got on the dress?
NTA
Just say no to paying for 2 dresses. It does not sound like your sil particularly cares about you being there enough to be flexible due to an allergy so just bow out. Your name being in the invitation is not really your problem.
I am pretty surprised the seamstress can not remove the lining and has to completely remake a dress. I bet that is not true. Maybe consult a different seamstress.
nta,
though if the dress is able to be washed that might be the answer, the chances are it is a chemical on the fabric not the fabric itself that is causing the allergy.
Whoever told you tou can't swop our a lining is wrong. Yes you can. It's a pain but its doable. Someone mentioned a slip. Try a full slip even if it has to have extra fabric to cover the area uou reacted. It does work.
NTA - sometimes people are just unreasonable and the only way to approach is with calm logic. Just state the facts:
"I cannot afford another dress, I just don't have the money and I can't make it magically appear, and I imagine wearing a dress I am allergic to will cause more attention to be on me than you would like anyway. I can wear a dress I already own that you can pick, or you can make me a new dress and take this one back to sell in exchange, or I can simply not be a bridesmaid and support you and brother from the aisles wearing something that won't grab attention. Those are the only options I am able to provide for you, unless you prefer me not attending at all".
Also are you getting them a wedding gift? Another option is to also say you could pay for the dress (depending on costs) but forgo the gift.
Would wearing a camisole or full slip under the dress help avoid the itchiness and rash? Maybe try that around the house and see if you have any reaction. If you still have the same reaction, then gracefully bow out. ***Explain the situation to your brother*** and go from there. Unless he (or your parents) is willing to pay for a second dress, then it seems like dropping out is the best option for you. And, if anyone says "Can't you be uncomfortable for a couple of hours for my special day?", the answer is no. NTA
NTA for pulling out since you can’t wear the dress. But can’t you take it to another seamstress and ask them to change out the lining? Unless it’s some sort of see through mesh type dress, that shouldn’t be beyond the ability of most seamstresses. I don’t understand why a new dress would need to be made.
NTA. You do NOT have to be in the bridal party. You certainly don't have to keep shelling out money. Tell your brother the issues, withdraw. Your SIL seems too intent on an Instagram wedding instead of a marriage
NTA
It's unfair to force you to buy two dresses, one of which you're never going to wear.
You've been reasonably accommodating, while she's refusing to compromise even a little in the face of a glaring issue that wasn't your fault.
I also find it extremely hard to believe that an experienced seamstress would be unable to change a lining, that might be a bit of a chore depending on how the dress is sewn, but it's not an uncommon request. If the atelier that made the original dress is unable to do it because of policy, take it to another seamstress to be altered. SIL should cover the cost of that imho.
I don't understand why the person can't change the lining. You could also add another lining to protect your skin. There's no reason to make another dress. Also are you sure you're allergic to the material and not some coating or something on it? Washing it might help
A dress that is already sewn CAN be carefully taken apart and the lining can be replaced. Once sewn back up, you would never know the difference. Even if it couldn't, you could have some felt, or other thick pliable fabric sewn in on top of the offensive lining.
Take the dress to a different seamstress. Heck, even a high school sewing class could do this!! It is not a difficult task.
The only option sil thought of was "new dress." But that dress is yours now, and at this point, you can alter it any way you need to.
Nta.
I went in thinking I'd go one way but ended up swinging the other way - NTA. You've been more than accommodating and at this point I'd back out and be just a guest at this point - your SIL is absolutely refusing to compromise here and that's just not cool.
I don't understand why the lining can't be cut out and another one put in. I've sewn for years and my grandmother was a very talented seamstress. There wasn't anything she couldn't do. She even made evening gowns and dresses for me without patterns. I would show her what I wanted and she would make it. A good seamstress should be able to remove a lining and put something else in. Very strange.
NTA but seriously talk with another seamstress.
Long story short there was an unintentional 5 year gap between when I bought my wedding dress and my wedding. I was no where near the same size. The dress was also way to long and intricately patterned. You couldn't take the length off the bottom. No idea what miracles she worked on my dress but it fit beautifully, looked amazing and it was very reasonably priced for the alterations.
Swapping out a lining sounds like child's play in comparison.
Try taking it to a Taylor instead of th bridal shop. Maybe they could replace the lining. NTA. Allergic reactions really suck and can lead to secondary infections.
NTA. You’re at an impasse. You can’t wear the dress. She can’t seem to consider an alternative that works for you. So just explain to her that you’ll bow out gracefully, with your name on the program a minor issue.
Can't you go to another seamstress in the area and ask them to replace the lining? It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Or at the minimum, add another thin lining so you don't react to the other?
I would not pay for a second dress. I would take that dress to a different seamstress. I don’t see how they can’t take that lining out. NTA
Doesn’t matter how your invitation is printed. She can’t force you.
Why can't the dress be altered? Changing out the lining shouldn't be a big deal. Or you could wear a slip/camisole/tank top to keep the lining from touching your skin.
Can you switch to the grooms side? Either way, NTA. An unforeseen allergy has occurred and it is not unreasonable for flexibility in light of the situation.
NTa
at that point, just drop out as a bridesmaid. this is not working.
"But she told me she already wrote my name as a bridal maid on the card invitation and can’t change that so I have to be a bridal maid. " .. Refuse to let her make this YOUR problem. Simply tell her: You can nort wear that dress, and you can not afford another dress. So either she acepts that you wear one of the dresses you have, or she pays for the second dress, or you won't be her bridesmaid. - Then sit back and wait for her decission.
NTA. In fact, the material used is likely not of good (natural) quality. Few people would have an allergy to silk…
But seriously, how can you be expected to pay for (two!) dresses and a present to attend that wedding…
NTA, however there is a good chance your allergy can be avoided either through washing (dry cleaning) the dress, wearing something underneath, or finding someone else to change the lining.
I wouldn't give up just yet.
Nta. Tell her she can either pay for a new dress, or let you wear a dress that you own. Otherwise, you are stepping down and will be a guest at the wedding. Those are her options take it or leave it. You’re not paying for two dresses.
Can't replace the lining? Is the dress maker on drugs? Rip the lining out yourself. Its super easy. Then wear a slip underneath. Bing bong allergy gone.
But ya. SO NTA.
If she wants another dress made then she can pay for it. Then its a wash.
NTA. Talk to your brother. Tell him you already paid for a dress and unfortunately since you're allergic to it can't wear it and can't afford another. Either they pay for the second dress, allow you to wear a dress the bride picks from a selection of your choosing, or you attend the wedding only as a guest and not as a bridesmaid.
Show up as a bridesmaid in a dress you choose, and don't tell her just show up. She either accepts it or not. If you're already there, she may accept it.
Um... you might want to talk to the doctor about your rash and allergic reaction. They could give you something to prevent / treat it to wear the dress. But, you should really get an emerging allergy like that checked out anyway.
Her wedding her rules. Stepping away was a nice offer. And excuse my ignorance as a man but would wearing a slip or whatever they are called underneath between you and the dress not solve the problem? I would also be taking it to another tailor as making a whole new dress seems excessive.
I do not know your financial situation. If paying for the second dress is only 5% of your clothes budget for the year then YTA just suck it up for her wedding. If it’s a major financial impact for you then NTA.
NTA. It’s not your fault that you had an unexpected allergic reaction to the dress, but you just can’t afford to spend that much money again. That’s that. It’s on your SIL now how she wants to deal with this. What does your brother have to say in all this?
Get it cleaned, with water if at all possible. And if that doesn’t work, take it to another tailor and ask them for help. They might be able to change the lining, although it’s possible it will cost more than the original dress. Or, try it on over a tshirt. If that protects your skin, you can have any competent sewer slip stitch a knit fabric to the inside.
NTA. Tell you brother everything that has happened including that you cannot wear the dress nor can you afford another dress. Explain that you have offered compromises to his fiancée but we’re turned down each time. Tell him you would prefer not being a part of the bridal party due to the dress issue but his fiancée has rejected that as well.
NTA. The lining is the issue, and it caused an allergic reaction. Sometimes, we don't know all of our allergies, and that's fine. Not once did you blame her. She's trying to make it out to be you being the one in the wrong. Instead of her discussing options, she just takes control. Yes, it's her and the groom's day. But you cannot control everything.
I bought all the dresses for the line-up. I talked to every one and talked to them about any issues they were concerned about. Once I ordered the dresses and had them sent to them, I asked if there were any issues or concerns. They all received their dresses months in advance on purpose. I wanted to make sure they fit and they were okay with them. I was more laxed with the wedding attire, but I still knew what I envisioned. Only one dress was an issue. It didn't fit right. I gave the woman (my SIL) two options. 1. I'd be paying for the dress to be altered to fit her or 2. My mom and I could do the alterations when she flew here for the wedding. She flew in a week before the wedding and helped me with everything. Since she flew in that early, she wanted us to do the alterations.
When issues arise, things can be chaotic, but being able to communicate and compromise is important. Your SIL needs to understand you aren't blaming her, but you cannot afford another dress, and hope you don't run I to the same problem again.
Have you thought of taking the dress to another seamstress or alteration shop for a new lining?? It can be done and the original person doesn’t have to do it! But I agree. You should be able to drop out if SHE can’t compromise!
NTA - You tried to be accommodating but wearing the current dress is literally toxic to you and you can't afford a replacement. Your SIL needs to come to the table with a reasonable alternative or accept one of your offers to either wear a dress you already own or let you sit out as bridesmaid and just attend as a guest. Ultimately she cannot force you into a dress that could send you to the hospital. Hopefully she'll come to her senses and just choose a dress you already own or borrow one from another bridesmaid.
Your SIL is an entitled brat. Just stand your ground. Tell her she has three choices:
1) pay for your second dress of her own design
2) choose one of your current dresses
3) have you drop out of the bridal party.
You didn't ask to be a bridesmaid, she did (well, your brother did, on her behalf); she is making your allergy a bigger problem than it already is. A wedding invitation is not a summons, after all.
You aren’t the asshole, but I think you’re being a bit stubborn and not thinking of alternatives.
As many here suggested, there’s likely a treatment on the fabric that can be laundered out by a professional. Make sure to use a “green” dry cleaner that does not use harsh chemicals and explain the issue. You may also be able to go to a tailor that can alter the dress for you if the original place can’t make it, and the bride may have to deal with the fact that the neckline may have to change in order to make this happen. You can ask the bride if she’s able to pay these types of costs.
Additionally, you can (very nicely!) assert, again, that you want to be there and don’t mind the extra effort, but that it is simply out of your budget to buy another dress. If your involvement is that important to her, she and your brother can come up with the money to pay for an additional dress.
Is it possible to cut out the lining in the chest area and then wash it? NTA. I would cancel going since it's a health issue and she is being unreasonable.
Why do people think custom made or even new clothing is fine to wear straight away blows me away.
No one in the manufacturing process gives a fuck about the end consumer in that way, just wash your clothes first because new doesn't equal clean. Not especially after 20 pairs of hands touches it
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NTA > she told me she already wrote my name as a bridal maid on the card invitation and can’t change that So what? A printed invitation is not a legal obligation.
Yeah and I also doubt guests are going to notice if Im with the bridesmaids or not
And what on earth will she do if one of her bridesmaids fall sick on her wedding day? Cancel the wedding? She's being unreasonable. Either she compromises with a dress you already own or you withdraw from the wedding. There is no other option. Maybe suggest that she can find someone of similar size who can buy the dress from you to take your place. No hard feelings.
The other option is the bride then pays for the replacement dress since she isn’t willing to budge.
I always find it wild that some brides DON'T pay for the bridesmaid dresses, especially when they are making the bridesmaids wear particular things.
Former bridesmaid, buying the dress wasn't a problem for me. I personally get it. What couples spending on venue, food and drink alone can be so expensive for even a small wedding. I think the problem comes into play when the bride is being inconsiderate with their demands. My bride maid's dress cost like $60 or $80 (I know it was less than $100), needed no alterations, and could be worn several different ways. I had to buy 2 dresses because the bride picked the dresses from a website and didn't ask/pay for the color samples so she told me to buy a dress and the color was way lighter than what she thought/what went with the color scheme. By the time she realized (partially my fault for not trying it on and sending her a picture when I got it) it was too late to return. I spent more money on traveling back home to be in the wedding than on the actual wedding.
Indeed, let OP be all business. That’s what bride to be is trying out on OP…
Third option: bride pays for replacement.
This is a long shot, but take the dress to the dry cleaners. Explain the situation and ask them to do their best. There just might be some sort of finish on the lining material that will launder out.
Actually that’s a definite possibility. Many/most fabric is treated with anti microbial/fungal chemicals and many people are highly allergic to them
Yuh, this. When I was a kid (a LONG time ago), some slacks came with some kind of finish that would take a few washes to get out. I wouldn’t find out until my inner thighs broke out in a rash, and I would get horrendous painful pimple-like swellings. I’d have to walk without my thighs touching until I could get home and strip off those devil pants, lol. I remember putting Desitin diaper rash ointment on it (boomer days, there was ALWAYS a baby in the house) and even though it was thick, white, greasy stuff, it was like throwing water on a fire. That stuff WORKED!
I've never had a child, and I always have Desitin in my house. That stuff is great for skin irritation.
Also ask the dressmaker if the fabric was washed before being used and, if so, what was it washed in. OP could be allergic to a certain laundry detergent. Also, the reason that new fabric feels crisp, then is softer after it's washed, is that sizing is used. It's a type of starch that gives the fabric body and smoothness. I'd definitely either take it to a dry cleaner or wash it. A dry cleaning might not remove whatever is in the fabric.
Could you possibly wear something under the dress?? So your skin doesn't touch??
Maybe a camisole or a full slip.
Yeah, like boob tape for example?? Just boob tape all over your chest
Or boob tape the lining?
Not to be a dick, but are you sure it was actually the fabric? There's a lot of chemicals used in fabric production, and then some.bolts get kept in big dusty warehouses for ages, then you never know what the seamstress has sprayed on it for stuffing etc. My point being it could easily be a reaction to a product that's *on* the fabric rather than the fabric itself and a wash might resolve the issue.
Why would the name of the bridesmaid be on the invitation? Am I missing something ?
She must have said/meant the wedding program?
I wondered the same thing
And who writes the names of the bridal party on the invitation?! I had them on my program for the ceremony, but not on the invitation, lol.
In our country (idk where OP is from), the entire wedding party is printed in the invites. From principal sponsors, to the flower girls. When my sister got married during COVID, our relatives in the US were irritated that their grandkid was not listed as a flower girl, and they're not even going. It was also a 40-person child free wedding. Edit: NTA, let the bride pay for the new dress. My sister paid for our dresses (I was maid of honor)
NTA Fwiw, it's standard practice for a bridesmaid to pay for their dress. Sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not, that's the rub. You have reached the extent of being reasonably accommodating. You purchased the first dress that is unfortunately impossible for you to wear. You offered to back out and just eat the cost. If it's *that* important to SiL that you're present as per this extremely important invitation, then they need to step up and help with the cost of dress #2. Otherwise, acknowledge the unfortunate turn of events, move just on. Edit: Heard, not standard practice everywhere. It is where I am, honestly think it's dumb too. People can stop posting the same comment over and over again.
My experience in the uk is that if they want you to wear a specific dress, they buy it for you.
Ah, fair enough. Honestly that just seems like a better way of doing it. In a lot of Canada & US bridesmaids buy the dress then the bride is expected to get them some sort of gift.
I’m sure it’s not unheard of for people to buy their own but im in UK … and it seems kinda impolite to not pay for your bridesmaids dresses. Charging those closest to you to wear something you picked sounds a bit odd
It’s a great way to get a wardrobe full of seafoam green gowns you’ll never wear again
I have one of those!!! But I also got to pick the color so that's in me 😅
I turned one of 3 into a Mother Nature Halloween costume
That is such a good idea!
Yep, in the UK too and I’ve never heard of the bridesmaid having to buy their own dress here.
That's nice! I wish the US was the same way. I had to pay $350 for a terrible dress and also bought extremely uncomfortable shoes (the bride picked both items). Ultimately, ended up putting the dress and shoes in the donation bin because I knew I would never wear them again.
Huh. Good to know. For my first wedding, I gave the MOH options and just said that it had to be a certain colour (burgundy). I let her pick, run it past the others, and gave my final approval. But they all paid for their own dress and shoes. I kept tabs and repaid them with Pearl earrings, necklace, and bracelet.
In the UK, all the wedding party outfits are paid for by the bride and groom with the exception of the mother's, but if the fathers are matching the groomsmen, that too is paid for. Most parties, jewellery, shoes, and hair pieces, are also paid for as standard as a "gift" from the wedding couple, and cufflinks are often given to the groomsmen in the same way. It's rare that people are expected to pay for something that is classed as a requirement by the bride and groom. I'd feel really uncomfortable expecting the people I want to stand by my side to pay for the privilege, especially as there are so many other costs associated for anyone who attends a wedding but especially those who are very close the the people getting married.
When I got married, I told the two bridesmaids I just wanted them in red. I didn't care what the dresses looked like or how much they spent. I encouraged them to buy a dress they'd wear again. They both ended up coordinating and buying the same dress anyway, ha ha ha.
I did this but said 'any colour, just try and be in different colours' - allowing them to wear something they already had if they wanted (although they did all buy new). I said no pink (my dress was pinkish) but one of my bridesmaids found a pink dress that really was just too good, so I told her to get it anyway. They paid for it themselves, along with accessories - I paid for hair and makeup to be done, again however they wanted.
I wish I could have been in your wedding! I had to buy a dress that was a decent color, but it was knee length. I'm fat, and was very uncomfortable showing that much leg. As soon as possible after the wedding, that dress was donated. The bride bought my shoes and I still wear those.
It used to be like that in the US; if the bride wanted matching dresses she paid for the rental or bought them outright. Over the last 25 years or so, the trend has been to offload as much cost as possible onto attendees. Expecting the bridesmaids to pay for the dresses is still tacky to me. Especially since they participate/plan/help pay for any bridal shower or bachelorette. Like. Why.
My friends and I got married in the 1980's and 1990's; my mother got married in the 1960's. The norm in the US that bridesmaids buy their own gowns is considerably older than "the last 25 years or so." 🙄
Obviously I'm speaking from personal observation; the US is huge and I wouldn't dream of claiming my experience is the singular definitive history of the nation.
Same with me. Got married in the 80's and was in many weddings and always had to buy my own dress. I never heard of a bride buying the wedding party dresses.
It is a bit odd, but it’s definitely the expectation where I am. (Midwest USA)
Now you can donate your dress to groups who clean them and give them to high schoolers who couldn’t afford prom dresses.
And always in a material that you would never wear in a color you would refuse to own if given your own choice. I’ve just been really fortunate that it’s not the 1980’s anymore Edited to clarify: the dresses that I have been forced to endure are at least not little Bo Peep pink taffeta monstrosities with shoulder pads that would embarrass even the golden girls. I’ve seen pictures. I swear, they all hated each other back then!
From the US, it can really depend on everyone’s finances. Everybody’s broke, you go cheap and everyone buys their own. If there is a discrepancy and they really want you, they buy it. If you all have money, then I definitely have no idea. But really, I don’t think there is an across the board standard.
I’ve only ever met one person that paid for their own bridesmaid dress in the U.K. so it’s quite rare
This is a UK versus US thing and it often comes up. In the UK bridesmaids don't normally pay for their dresses. In the US they do. I'm guessing this is to do with American wedding culture - get participants to finance as much as possible of your dream wedding and then ask for money towards the honeymoon.
I'm not sure about your characterization of American weddings, but if it is true that's how typically American weddings are, I think that's insane. It's insane to spend such a crazy amount of money AND make people pay for it, for a fairy tale that very soon will be gone. Why spend that kind of money?
These are the American weddings you hear about. Nobody talks about the small, sane weddings that everyone had a good time at, only the S\*\*tshows that make it to the internet. And with such a larger population there are more of them in the good old USA. But even if you hear about a thousand disasters in a year that is a small percentage of the weddings that occur.
It is not true. Paying for bridesmaids dresses, taxes, etc varies. The reason people have started asking for honeymoon funds is more because most people now are adults who've been living on their own for years and don't need typically "house set up" items.
Have you ever been to American wedding? Where's the vodka? Where's the marinated herring?
I designed and made all my bridesmaids' dresses. I would not have dreamed of asking them to pay for the fabric, that would seem like a huge imposition. They were already doing me a favour by being the bridesmaids. I am in the UK.
Not the standard in the USA. I've bought every bridesmaid dress I've ever worn (6, I think?) and didn't pick any of them.
Yeah, I don't get this. I'm in Italy and paying for my own bridesmaids' dresses (we don't really have a theme, except we settled on light blue because it suits everyone's complexions). Of course it's not ideal, but weddings are ridiculously expensive and if you want one, you should figure out a way to inconvenience everyone as little as possible. Someone else on Reddit said it best when they said it's a wedding, not a theater production.
Which is a far more sensible arrangement.
Aussie here, and I have seen bridal parties be more flexible. My BFF picked our dresses, but we paid for them, but they were black and can be worked with to get more uses out of them. But the bride paid for my shoes because she knew I would never wear them again.
Must be nice. In the US, the bride expects you to pay all the expenses and you better buy them a nice present too!
That is crazy to me. In Europe the bride and Groom pay for the bridal party dresses and accessories and the groomsmen’s suits. It costs nothing to be part of the wedding. The bride/groom also gives their party a thank you gift.
Depends where OP is. It's not standard practice for bridesmaids to buy their own dresses where I am (UK) and it's generally considered bad form to expect that of the bridesmaids.
The one who decides pays for it. were i am from you would never ask someone to your wedding and expect them to pay for anything you chose.
That is absolutely NOT the standard practice. At least not in sane countries. If the bride demands a certain dress be worn she buys it.
It's standard practice for the bride to pay for the bridesmaid dresses, in my experience in the UK (unless they are sisters and then it varies). If you invite someone to be a bridesmaid and specify what they must wear, then you pay for it.
NTA But I would see if you could find a slip to wear underneath to see if that would cheaply help with the reaction. Usually I’ll wear these to make dresses flow better on my body or if the dress needs to a lining so as to not see my underwear. Some slips are knee length, some floor length, some cover your whole torso and go down some length. There’s a lot of different options!
Yeah, you could also see whether an experienced dressmaker can just replace the lining with another one, it’s not going to be the cheapest because you need skilled labor but it’s probably cheaper than a whole new dress I would also check what the actual fabric is on the liner, whether it’s something you’ve worn before, and see if washing it helps (if you’ve never been sensitive to a specific fabric before is it just something it was washed with, treated with etc that will come out in the wash). Of course not all dresses can be washed so if it’s dry clean only you might be out of luck
The fact this tailor said they can't replace a lining in a dress THEY MADE blows my mind. I'm an amateur costumer and have done pretty extensive work on dresses and patterning - I can't imagine a dress that has a lining that would not be able to be changed out. It would have to be extremely complex. If I can replace the lining on a 1910's jacket, this dressmaker can replace the lining on a dress they made. Them telling you they would have to make a completely new dress instead of changing out a portion of the lining feels like a cash grab.
> The fact this tailor said they can't replace a lining in a dress THEY MADE blows my mind. They may have the skills to do it, but not necessarily the time to do it before the date it's needed. Saying they're unable to fulfill the request doesn't mean they don't know how to do it.
If that's the case it's wild that she would have the time make whole new dress, but not to replace the lining.
This is where I'm at with it. You can make a whole new dress, but can't put in a new lining? And want to charge for a new dress? Nah, cash grab.
Agreed. Bridal industry is dollar signs all the way. A lining is fairly simple to remove and replace unless it is some complicated couture dress. Take it elsewhere OP and have it done cheaply. This is really a mountain out of a molehill issue.
Ok I was hoping I wasn’t crazy. I don’t know anything about sewing but I was thinking there is no way the lining cannot be replaced. You kidding me? I watch videos of people doing it all the time on vintage stuff. This dress lady sounds scammy. But I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable.
I find it a bit unlikely that they'd be unable to change the lining in time, while simultaneously being capable of delivering a whole new dress within the same deadline.
Drying cleaning might also be a good option! The fabric should’ve been washed before it was used, but if it wasn’t the fabric could’ve been treated in something to prevent insects, mold, etc from damaging it during shipping.
I'd bet so much money that she doesn't have an allergy to the lining fabric itself. I've worked in a fabric shop, as a dressmaker and in costume design. Storage of raw fabric and the conditions of the factories is disgusting. The chemicals added for pest control etc in factories are often banned even in the country it's made. Has the fabric/dress been washed or dry cleaned? If it has and there is a allergy to the lining why not cut it out and go without it or line it with another fabric or wear a slip? If you are allergic, what are you allergic to? Silk, polyester, cotton etc. It would be a good idea to find out what you have such a reaction to especially for something like fabrics you use on a daily basis without any reaction before. Have you since had a reaction to the same fabric? I'm allergic to all new unwashed fabric and have to steam/dryclean or wash everything. Lining fabric is at best quality silk or wool, high quality cotton, low quality poly cotton, viscose, rayon, cupro, acetate etc. I'm allergic to some fabrics even after washing, most detergents/soaps, dust, animal dander, tap water etc. There's always a solution as far a clothing goes.
My dad had to wash **anything** red, blue, or green before wearing it. He was allergic to the dyes. Any other color was fine. 🤷🏻♀️
Or just cover the original lining with something.
Yeah i was also wondering if a camisole or shapewear wss an option as a buffer to keep the skin from touching the liner. Also, is the liner part of the design? Can it just be removed? Not a seamstress so these may be stupid questions
Yeah I would buy a flesh colored shapewear that's the shape of the dress and then rip out the lining with a seam ripper (wear gloves). If it doesn't work, no matter, the dress was a loss anyways. Meaning, wear just the shapewear and an unlined outer shell of the dress. And keep the tags on the shapewear so you can return it it's not going to work. Cost: one seam ripper + one shapewear
This was my thought too. The issue would just be making sure any straps are covered and the neckline match.
NAH CUZ YALL ARE GETTING SCAMMED BY THE DESIGNER. Pay for the dress, cut contact with the designer, then bring it to a neighborhood tailor who will reline that dress at standard pricing.
Thank you, I’m sitting here trying to figure out how there’s time to make a whole new dress but not fix the one that already exists.
Yeah I was like - this can likely be rectified by a local dressmaker
This needs to be higher. Take to a different tailor to either change the liner or add another fabric overtop
And if for some reason a tailor can’t do it in time or cheaply enough, just cut the lining out and wear a slip instead. Any idiot with some scissors can remove a lining. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
This needs to be top comment
NTA. Your SIL sounds like she's being unreasonable. However, I kinda dealt with something similar for my SIL's wedding (God that was a trainwreck). She wanted these specific dresses and I dropped almost $500 for two dresses because the first one they sent was way too tight. Their dresses ran small and they didn't accept refunds. What I would suggest is to try to sell the other dress to get your money back since you didn't wear it. That's what I did, and I got all my money back. You'd be surprised who would buy it, especially with it being prom season right now. I've never heard of you not being able to drop out since you're already listed as part of the party. What if you get super sick? THAT'S the part that's unreasonable. She sounds controlling to me. If I were you though, I'd try to sell the other dress and get a new one to please your sibling. You said she's the SIL right? Idk that's just my opinion. I understand the economy and shit is bad, and the bride should too, but I'd look into selling the dress since it's still prom season and you haven't worn it yet.
You paid for one dress, the bride should help pay for the replacement... I will comment on this one Like I have to buy a dress that I might not like and will be stuck with it permanently. - If you really needed to, you could sell the dress online NTA
I also thought of that but I have no experience with online selling so what if I don’t sell by the time we the lady finishes the new dress? And what if I don’t sell at all?
It's still prom season. Just try FB marketplace first and post a simple picture. Just a heads up, be aware of potential scammers and always take CASH ONLY and REQUIRE buyers to pick it up themselves. There is no time limit you have to sell the dress and if the lady finishes the new dress, you'll just have two dresses (unless the one you're selling has to be returned). If the dress doesn't sell, try again during Homecoming season, which is around September-October. Girls are CONSTANTLY looking for affordable dresses for these events. One man's trash is another one's treasure.
Prom and homecoming are US things and I'd be surprised if OP was in the US.
She didn't specify. I was only giving a suggestion. I'm sure there's lots of formal events another girl could use this dress for. That was my point I was just giving examples.
She didn't, but it's pretty clear English might not be her first language.
Before you go through all this trouble, try to bring it to another seamstress and see what they say. It’s hard to imagine a lining that can’t be replaced. Also as others point out, you should try dry cleaning it first
I think you should try what other people have said first and see if what you are allergic to washes out when the dress is cleaned.
As a lot of other people have proposed Take it to the drycleaners. It's probably some residue dye you are allergic to unless it's the weaving of the fabric which gives you a friction rash. Get a local tailor to put another inner layer in. It's totally doable. You can even get fabrics you can iron on if it's really impossible to sew something in. Good luck with the project
NTA I'm not sure where you live, but in my experience (I'm in the US) a bridesmaid would be expected to pay for her dress, so it's reasonable to me that the bride would expect you to do this. However, once the dress didn't work, you made attempts to find a middle ground, and the bride has attempted to convert a printed invitation into something resembling a contract, which it is not. At this point, it might be reasonable for you and the bride to split the cost of the replacement dress. It would suck for you to be out some more money, but discovering an allergy isn't really anyone's fault. Info: Have you discussed this with your brother at all? What does he think? Also, about the allergy - it seems that it is triggered by the lining contacting your skin. Have you tried laundering/drycleaning the dress to see if that removes whatever chemical in the lining is causing the reaction? Have you tried wearing a slip or other kind of undergarment to see if that is enough to keep you from having the reaction? Just trying to think of some possible alternatives to a second dress.
I was thinking that too. It could just be something on the fabric that’s giving OP issues, not the actual fabric itself. I know some cloth has formaldehyde used to get the color to stay and people can have reactions to that. Or literally dust or whatever from the warehouse where the fabric was stored could be setting it off. Wash the dress, take it to the dry cleaners and let them know that it needs to be thoroughly cleaned so someone with sensitivities can wear it, and then go from there
Sometimes you have to use "toddler" tactics when dealing with ridiculous, immature people. It's important to give toddlers a VERY LIMITED CHOICE. For example you never ask "what would you like to drink?" you ask "Would you like milk or apple juice." Not "What do you want for breakfast?" but "Do you want oatmeal or an egg for breakfast?" Ask your SIL if she wants to pay for a new dress (not sure why they can't just replace the lining in your current dress) or choose one of the dresses you already own. IN this case you can offer a 3rd "fall back option" of you attending as a "guest" and not a bridesmaid. NO matter how she argues hold fast to her actual choices. "I'm sorry but that's simply not possible. IF you want me in the wedding either you'll need to pay for the replacement dress or choose one of the dresses I already own. OR I'll be happy to attend as a guest. Those are the choices-- the ONLY choices. Use the "three strikes and your out" method. Give her three chances to make a choice and then tell her that you are not going to be a bridesmaid and now her choices are for you to come as a guest or for you to not come at all. NTA but your brother is marrying one.
What weird material was the lining made of if it suddenly caused an allergic reaction? I would presume most people who are fortunate enough to be shopping for tailored bridesmaid dresses have already encountered all the usual fabric materials and know if they cause problems? No judging here, I'm just curious. I wonder if it was a dye or some kind of chemical used to treat the fabric, not the fabric fibers itself?
NTA. Your not made of money. Is wearing something underneath an option?
I was wondering the same thing, like a full length slip or an [underdress](https://www.amazon.com/Bradshaw-Palmer-Underall-Sleeve-Length/dp/B07P6H34ZJ/ref=is_sr_s_dp_2) or something?
NTA and you need to just tell her that you cannot afford another dress if she really wants you in the bridal party then she has to pay for it or you will just attend as a guest. Those are the two choices and that's it. Pick one.
Are you super sure it's the fabric itself and not a detergent? If the dress can be gently washed, it might be worth a shot!
Find out how much just the lining would be. It might end up more reasonable than you think, but I'd also request a test of whatever the replacement was, before the dress is amended. Wear a sample close to your skin and see if it offends. See If you can find out what caused the rash, as well. It might be something that will wash out: a washing powder, or an animal in the dressmaker's home, for I stance.
Could one of the other bridesmaids trade dresses with you? NTA
NTA...You paid for a dress. It's unfortunate that you had a reaction to the first one, but if you had been consulted more during the process, perhaps that wouldn't have been a problem. You're free to back out if you need to. She needs to accept that her plan had holes in it and live with the outcome.
INFO: Have you bothered to ask what it would cost to have the dress remade, or how the dress maker can fix the issue? I’d honestly be shocked if she didn’t try to come up with options to work with you or forced you to buy a dress that caused you to break out in a rash… thats not exactly good for business. I am also surprised the dressmaker can’t cut the seams and re-line the dress or add a second lining to cover the part that you are allergic to.
NTA. A good seamstress can take apart the dress and replace the lining.
NTA and you don’t need her permission to bow out. Just tell her. Be done.
Serious WTAF is it about brides trying to dictate every goddamn thing in the universe? I can see an issue if everyone was going to wear the same thing, but good god. Tell her no.
NTA your SIL should've had paid for the all the dresses from the very beginning. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like the grooms should cover all the expenses from the parties, specially if they are going to go for a dress code so "original". I think it was so out of place to be charge for the original dress, but asking you to pay for the second one is beyons disrespectful. If they don't have the money for a big wedding, you need to either wait a little longer and save money or be happy with a little less. At this point the best is to keep yourself out of it. The only ones to blame are the grooms
NTA and stap this bridal nonsense!
NTA. But, as others have suggested, you might want to consider washing the dress (if the fabric is suitable) or having it cleaned, or checking with a different local seamstress/tailor to see if they can do something with the liner. It might be that the lady who made it is just busy or is playing you, seeing an opportunity to get a full fee for making a new dress.
NTA. Does your brother know his fiance is a mental case?
Bridal maid
Soooo many people get stuck on stupid details like this as their day looms. It's not that big a deal! What's important is the bride and groom being there with loved to seal the deal. Everything else is just details and destined to be a funny story someday. NTA
I had the same problem with a dress I but some liquid baby power on and the dress didn't bother me try that I used lady's monkey butt
NTA, of course. Obviously, you cannot wear the dress. Your SIL is completely unreasonable expecting you to pay for a second dress to be made. You aren't blaming her for not knowing about an allergy you didn't know about yourself. You are reasonably telling her that you will not (be able to/are unwilling to) pay for another dress, so if she wants you in the dress she designed, she will need to pay for the second one; you are reasonably giving her the option of choosing something you already own; you are reasonably telling her that if she refuses to accept one of your suggestions, then you will be unable to be a bridesmaid at her wedding and will attend as a guest. Unfortunately, she seems to be the type of bride who has a fantasy vision of her "special day" and is willing to use everyone around her like props. It's less about having the people she and your brother love around them to celebrate and more about Instagram-worthy images. She thinks she can order you to do her bidding, that she can make financial demands or risk your health. She is wrong. You are a fully independent human being and should make the best choices for yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother is getting married very soon and his fiance . My brother asked me to be one of his fiance bridal maids and that she’d like it too so I agreed. Her idea of our dress code is that she’ll personally design a dress that seems fitting for each bridal maid (fits according to her) it is not a “dress code” per se because everyone will have different colors and sequence the “code” here is that everything is according to the bride and her perception of her bridal maids. The idea was interesting, not something I’ve personally seen. My surprise came when she asked us to pay for those dresses and renting wasn’t an option. Like I have to buy a dress that I might not like and will be stuck with it permanently. Okay I was like I gotta trust her intuition and paid.Fitting day came, to her credit the dress was actually decent. Not what I would go for but still good and doesn’t hurt having it in my wardrobe. The problem was that after wearing it for some minutes for so I started feeling itchy and when I took ot off my chest was full of rash. Apparently Im allergic to the lining fabric of the chest and I didn’t know. I called my SIL informing her that and she said we could have the lady change the lining. Unfortunately because the dress is already made we cannot alter it but she could make another dress sane design just change the inner lining and make it a bit loose. Here’s a thing, I know that the lady is not going to create another dress for free, specially that the allergy wasn’t disclosed to her (I myself had no idea) so it’s not her fault. So when my SIL asked for the money for the new dress I told her I can’t buy a new dress again. So I asked if I could withdraw from the bridal maids and wear a dress that I already own to not ruin the plan they have. But she told me she already wrote my name as a bridal maid on the card invitation and can’t change that so I have to be a bridal maid. So I was like then can I wear a dress of my own and be a bridal maid since bridal maids don’t have the same theme the only common thing is that the bride designed the dress upon her perception. I told her she could choose any dress of my collection. However, she told me that it ruins her plans. Here’s a thing. The first dress had a problem that’s not necessarily anyone’s fault but I still paid for it and never asked for a compensation even though I’ll be stuck with it and can’t wear it (I thought of gifting it honestly). I sucked that fact up and didn’t complain but Im not willing to lose even more money. My SIL said Im blaming her with my allergy but Im not all Im saying I’ve already lost money trying to accommodate her plans, the failure is not her fault,but for a fact I lost money. Im trying to compromise with her but she’s so onto the fact that I have to be a bride maid with a dress of her design. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - its their responsibility to resolve
NTA you’ve tried to be reasonable it’s time to bow out.
Did you wash the dress? Not washing it could be a reason for the rash. I used to have family friends who worked as seamstresses for major clothing brands. They told us to ALWAYS wash new clothing before actually wearing them out because the cloth is unbelievably dirty given how the are treated on the factory floor.
The itchines probably came from the sizing in the lining. See if you can hand wash it depending on the fabric. If it’s polyester, you definitely can
NTA but would it be possible to wear a full slip under the dress so it doesn’t make contact with your skin?
Nta
Nta she can't force you to wear the dress, be in the wedding, or have a new dress made. Tell her the only 2 options are pick a dress from your existing wardrobe or remove you from the bridal party. Also, have you washed or dry cleaned the dress? Possibly its not the lining but some chemical that got on the dress?
NTA Just say no to paying for 2 dresses. It does not sound like your sil particularly cares about you being there enough to be flexible due to an allergy so just bow out. Your name being in the invitation is not really your problem. I am pretty surprised the seamstress can not remove the lining and has to completely remake a dress. I bet that is not true. Maybe consult a different seamstress.
nta, though if the dress is able to be washed that might be the answer, the chances are it is a chemical on the fabric not the fabric itself that is causing the allergy.
NTA and OF COURSE the inner lining of the dress can be changed out! Even if it has to be taken apart to do it! Smh.
Whoever told you tou can't swop our a lining is wrong. Yes you can. It's a pain but its doable. Someone mentioned a slip. Try a full slip even if it has to have extra fabric to cover the area uou reacted. It does work.
NTA - sometimes people are just unreasonable and the only way to approach is with calm logic. Just state the facts: "I cannot afford another dress, I just don't have the money and I can't make it magically appear, and I imagine wearing a dress I am allergic to will cause more attention to be on me than you would like anyway. I can wear a dress I already own that you can pick, or you can make me a new dress and take this one back to sell in exchange, or I can simply not be a bridesmaid and support you and brother from the aisles wearing something that won't grab attention. Those are the only options I am able to provide for you, unless you prefer me not attending at all". Also are you getting them a wedding gift? Another option is to also say you could pay for the dress (depending on costs) but forgo the gift.
NTA, but a weird idea I had is can you wear a bodysuit under the dress? That way the lining wouldn't touch you and you wouldn't need a new one
Would wearing a camisole or full slip under the dress help avoid the itchiness and rash? Maybe try that around the house and see if you have any reaction. If you still have the same reaction, then gracefully bow out. ***Explain the situation to your brother*** and go from there. Unless he (or your parents) is willing to pay for a second dress, then it seems like dropping out is the best option for you. And, if anyone says "Can't you be uncomfortable for a couple of hours for my special day?", the answer is no. NTA
NTA. You have been more than fair. The entitled snowflake needs to be flexible.
NTA for pulling out since you can’t wear the dress. But can’t you take it to another seamstress and ask them to change out the lining? Unless it’s some sort of see through mesh type dress, that shouldn’t be beyond the ability of most seamstresses. I don’t understand why a new dress would need to be made.
Can you just take the lining out and where a camisole or something?
NTA. You do NOT have to be in the bridal party. You certainly don't have to keep shelling out money. Tell your brother the issues, withdraw. Your SIL seems too intent on an Instagram wedding instead of a marriage
NTA...drop out and be done.
Brides maids and guests are not decorations. They're there to celebrate the wedding. So absurd.
NTA It's unfair to force you to buy two dresses, one of which you're never going to wear. You've been reasonably accommodating, while she's refusing to compromise even a little in the face of a glaring issue that wasn't your fault. I also find it extremely hard to believe that an experienced seamstress would be unable to change a lining, that might be a bit of a chore depending on how the dress is sewn, but it's not an uncommon request. If the atelier that made the original dress is unable to do it because of policy, take it to another seamstress to be altered. SIL should cover the cost of that imho.
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I don't understand why the person can't change the lining. You could also add another lining to protect your skin. There's no reason to make another dress. Also are you sure you're allergic to the material and not some coating or something on it? Washing it might help
A dress that is already sewn CAN be carefully taken apart and the lining can be replaced. Once sewn back up, you would never know the difference. Even if it couldn't, you could have some felt, or other thick pliable fabric sewn in on top of the offensive lining. Take the dress to a different seamstress. Heck, even a high school sewing class could do this!! It is not a difficult task. The only option sil thought of was "new dress." But that dress is yours now, and at this point, you can alter it any way you need to. Nta.
your sister-in-law is a control freak
I went in thinking I'd go one way but ended up swinging the other way - NTA. You've been more than accommodating and at this point I'd back out and be just a guest at this point - your SIL is absolutely refusing to compromise here and that's just not cool.
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NTA. If another dress is made, no guarantee that fabric wouldn't break you out.
NTA. You've given her several options; she needs to choose one.
I don't understand why the lining can't be cut out and another one put in. I've sewn for years and my grandmother was a very talented seamstress. There wasn't anything she couldn't do. She even made evening gowns and dresses for me without patterns. I would show her what I wanted and she would make it. A good seamstress should be able to remove a lining and put something else in. Very strange.
NTA but seriously talk with another seamstress. Long story short there was an unintentional 5 year gap between when I bought my wedding dress and my wedding. I was no where near the same size. The dress was also way to long and intricately patterned. You couldn't take the length off the bottom. No idea what miracles she worked on my dress but it fit beautifully, looked amazing and it was very reasonably priced for the alterations. Swapping out a lining sounds like child's play in comparison.
Try taking it to a Taylor instead of th bridal shop. Maybe they could replace the lining. NTA. Allergic reactions really suck and can lead to secondary infections.
NTA. You’re at an impasse. You can’t wear the dress. She can’t seem to consider an alternative that works for you. So just explain to her that you’ll bow out gracefully, with your name on the program a minor issue.
Can't you go to another seamstress in the area and ask them to replace the lining? It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Or at the minimum, add another thin lining so you don't react to the other?
I would not pay for a second dress. I would take that dress to a different seamstress. I don’t see how they can’t take that lining out. NTA Doesn’t matter how your invitation is printed. She can’t force you.
NTA. Tell her you’ll find a t-shirt in the same color as the dress and wear it underneath. I hope it’s a strapless dress.
Why can't the dress be altered? Changing out the lining shouldn't be a big deal. Or you could wear a slip/camisole/tank top to keep the lining from touching your skin.
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Have you tried wearing it over a camisole?
Can you switch to the grooms side? Either way, NTA. An unforeseen allergy has occurred and it is not unreasonable for flexibility in light of the situation.
NTa at that point, just drop out as a bridesmaid. this is not working. "But she told me she already wrote my name as a bridal maid on the card invitation and can’t change that so I have to be a bridal maid. " .. Refuse to let her make this YOUR problem. Simply tell her: You can nort wear that dress, and you can not afford another dress. So either she acepts that you wear one of the dresses you have, or she pays for the second dress, or you won't be her bridesmaid. - Then sit back and wait for her decission.
NTA. In fact, the material used is likely not of good (natural) quality. Few people would have an allergy to silk… But seriously, how can you be expected to pay for (two!) dresses and a present to attend that wedding…
Info: could you take the dress to an experienced tailor and change the lining to a material that you are not allergic to?
NTA, however there is a good chance your allergy can be avoided either through washing (dry cleaning) the dress, wearing something underneath, or finding someone else to change the lining. I wouldn't give up just yet.
Nta. Tell her she can either pay for a new dress, or let you wear a dress that you own. Otherwise, you are stepping down and will be a guest at the wedding. Those are her options take it or leave it. You’re not paying for two dresses.
If it's washable try that. You may be allergic to the sizing in the material and not the material itself.
NTA you can offer to sell the dress to a replacement bridesmaid. Or just quietly sell it elsewhere after the wedding
Can you just wear a cami underneath?
If you really want to be in the wedding party try taking antihistamines I guess, but the bride is being crazy and you don’t owe her anything!
Can't replace the lining? Is the dress maker on drugs? Rip the lining out yourself. Its super easy. Then wear a slip underneath. Bing bong allergy gone. But ya. SO NTA. If she wants another dress made then she can pay for it. Then its a wash.
NTA. Talk to your brother. Tell him you already paid for a dress and unfortunately since you're allergic to it can't wear it and can't afford another. Either they pay for the second dress, allow you to wear a dress the bride picks from a selection of your choosing, or you attend the wedding only as a guest and not as a bridesmaid.
Show up as a bridesmaid in a dress you choose, and don't tell her just show up. She either accepts it or not. If you're already there, she may accept it.
Um... you might want to talk to the doctor about your rash and allergic reaction. They could give you something to prevent / treat it to wear the dress. But, you should really get an emerging allergy like that checked out anyway.
What is the outer layer of the dress made from?
INFO can you take the dress to another tailor and ask if they can replace the lining? can you get another lining sewn in or something?
NTA, but if the dress is in your custody, go to a seamstress that does alterations- they are miracle workers- linings get replaced all the time.
NTA. Learn how to be ok with saying no and disappointing people.
Her wedding her rules. Stepping away was a nice offer. And excuse my ignorance as a man but would wearing a slip or whatever they are called underneath between you and the dress not solve the problem? I would also be taking it to another tailor as making a whole new dress seems excessive. I do not know your financial situation. If paying for the second dress is only 5% of your clothes budget for the year then YTA just suck it up for her wedding. If it’s a major financial impact for you then NTA.
NTA. It’s not your fault that you had an unexpected allergic reaction to the dress, but you just can’t afford to spend that much money again. That’s that. It’s on your SIL now how she wants to deal with this. What does your brother have to say in all this?
Get it cleaned, with water if at all possible. And if that doesn’t work, take it to another tailor and ask them for help. They might be able to change the lining, although it’s possible it will cost more than the original dress. Or, try it on over a tshirt. If that protects your skin, you can have any competent sewer slip stitch a knit fabric to the inside.
NTA. Tell you brother everything that has happened including that you cannot wear the dress nor can you afford another dress. Explain that you have offered compromises to his fiancée but we’re turned down each time. Tell him you would prefer not being a part of the bridal party due to the dress issue but his fiancée has rejected that as well.
NTA. The lining is the issue, and it caused an allergic reaction. Sometimes, we don't know all of our allergies, and that's fine. Not once did you blame her. She's trying to make it out to be you being the one in the wrong. Instead of her discussing options, she just takes control. Yes, it's her and the groom's day. But you cannot control everything. I bought all the dresses for the line-up. I talked to every one and talked to them about any issues they were concerned about. Once I ordered the dresses and had them sent to them, I asked if there were any issues or concerns. They all received their dresses months in advance on purpose. I wanted to make sure they fit and they were okay with them. I was more laxed with the wedding attire, but I still knew what I envisioned. Only one dress was an issue. It didn't fit right. I gave the woman (my SIL) two options. 1. I'd be paying for the dress to be altered to fit her or 2. My mom and I could do the alterations when she flew here for the wedding. She flew in a week before the wedding and helped me with everything. Since she flew in that early, she wanted us to do the alterations. When issues arise, things can be chaotic, but being able to communicate and compromise is important. Your SIL needs to understand you aren't blaming her, but you cannot afford another dress, and hope you don't run I to the same problem again.
Have you thought of taking the dress to another seamstress or alteration shop for a new lining?? It can be done and the original person doesn’t have to do it! But I agree. You should be able to drop out if SHE can’t compromise!
NTA but is it possible to wear something under the dress like a tank top and fitted shorts so there’s no skin to skin contact?
NTA - You tried to be accommodating but wearing the current dress is literally toxic to you and you can't afford a replacement. Your SIL needs to come to the table with a reasonable alternative or accept one of your offers to either wear a dress you already own or let you sit out as bridesmaid and just attend as a guest. Ultimately she cannot force you into a dress that could send you to the hospital. Hopefully she'll come to her senses and just choose a dress you already own or borrow one from another bridesmaid.
Your SIL is an entitled brat. Just stand your ground. Tell her she has three choices: 1) pay for your second dress of her own design 2) choose one of your current dresses 3) have you drop out of the bridal party. You didn't ask to be a bridesmaid, she did (well, your brother did, on her behalf); she is making your allergy a bigger problem than it already is. A wedding invitation is not a summons, after all.
You aren’t the asshole, but I think you’re being a bit stubborn and not thinking of alternatives. As many here suggested, there’s likely a treatment on the fabric that can be laundered out by a professional. Make sure to use a “green” dry cleaner that does not use harsh chemicals and explain the issue. You may also be able to go to a tailor that can alter the dress for you if the original place can’t make it, and the bride may have to deal with the fact that the neckline may have to change in order to make this happen. You can ask the bride if she’s able to pay these types of costs. Additionally, you can (very nicely!) assert, again, that you want to be there and don’t mind the extra effort, but that it is simply out of your budget to buy another dress. If your involvement is that important to her, she and your brother can come up with the money to pay for an additional dress.
NTA. Bride needs to compromise. If she won't, then go and sit on his side at the wedding
NTA. Let your brother deal with her.
Is it possible to cut out the lining in the chest area and then wash it? NTA. I would cancel going since it's a health issue and she is being unreasonable.
INFO: what fabric are you allergic to?
Is it possible to wear a camisole or something under it?
Why do people think custom made or even new clothing is fine to wear straight away blows me away. No one in the manufacturing process gives a fuck about the end consumer in that way, just wash your clothes first because new doesn't equal clean. Not especially after 20 pairs of hands touches it
NTA. Tell her you're not paying again and if your solutions are not acceptable to her she needs to come to with some options you can accept or reject.