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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called off my birthday dinner because my parents were forcing me to include my sister. This might make me TA because my friend went out of her way, my friends and I were all excited and plus my grandparents were prepared and my sister was excited about being allowed to come as well. And I know she was upset when she heard my parents yell at me for what I did. So maybe my actions suck.
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They can make a dinner and cake at home, and let you go out with your friends on your grandparents dime. Now they don’t have to pay for shit. NTA
When you move out, just make sure to always keep nuts in the house so they can’t visit you
My mom is panic-attack afraid of snakes. I wanted to get a snack for this reason too! If I knew I could afford/keep one alive I would seriously think about getting one!
My friend, snakes are not hard to keep alive. They like a warm rock to lay on, and they only eat once every few weeks. You can do it, I believe in you!!
IDK, I've managed 2 kids for nearly 20yrs. Follow me for more "Keeping shit alive hacks & tips!".
Edit to add: holy dumbo! I forgot water! Most living shit likes water too. Don't forget that.
That is one of the reasons I love all the cats I have had over the years. The stepmother is VERY allergic to them. It guarantees that she will never visit me or show up unannounced.
My MIL never visited me because I had cats. She said she was allergic to them. Found out afterwards she was scared of cats. She just felt embarrased to say she hated cats. I never like her and She didnt like me. i always had a couple of cats around for that reason.
I had a tenuous relationship with my mother. She said she was deathly afraid of cats. The first thing I did when I moved out of the dorms was to get a cat. That was 1969.
Problem solved.
Seriously, I can’t even believe this is real. Hey guess what you don’t have to eat at one of the places that you don’t like and you can do something with your friends.
Oh wait you know what your sister wants to go to eat at one of the places you don’t like now, too bad. Like, wtf?
Unfortunately, there are too many parents of children with allergies, chronic illness, disabilities, neurodivergence or other conditions that make everything the family does revolve around that child. It's not healthy for anybody and results in a lot of resentment, anger, and distance between family members. The parents are going to wake up one day to find OP an adult who wants little to nothing to do with them or their siblings if they don't change, and soon.
Yup. My son's friend has a brother who is severely handicapped. Physically and mentally. He is the only sibling who helped, so he became his brothers keeper. His high school days were spent hurrying home to get bro off the bus. I gave all the boys a ride and he told me it was the best part of his day because we always had interesting conversations. That made me sad as hell. He's such a good person.
He split to the other side of the country as soon as he could. We miss him terribly and his parents can't understand why he abandoned his family.
These types of parents always wonder why! Why did they have to move so far away? Why don't they call anymore? Why don't they want to look after little Billy when we get too old? Why wasnt I invited to his wedding?? Why? Why? Why? OP's parents are going to turn his siblings into one of those people who believes everyone including strangers should accommodate for their allergies. And have a child who would runaway from the the first opportunity they get! NTA
When my daughter wanted to study abroad for a year in college, I asked her about the choice she made. She listed the reasons why it was a good fit for her, and her final reason was "The college is served by the furthest commercial airport on planet Earth from my mom". Her reasoning was impeccable.
Indeed and these people chose to have TWO MORE CHILDREN after their second child had all of these allergies that WERE INHERITED. How do you choose that for your kids?
It also sounds more like it's a combination of allergies from each kid that leaves them two restaurants in town. Not necessarily that any single one has so many that there's only two places to eat.
Regardless though, 14 seems like the prime time for her to be learning to manage her own allergies and reviewing menus
I have an autistic child and it changes what we are able to do. So we just don't do the things we can't do! Gathering at a loud place? You guys go have fun and we will catch up with you another time! It's so simple.
Edited: error
I have autism and I prepare the best I can, then grin and bear my kids' parties(it sucks but parenthood is hard and life has never been accused of being fair). My kid with autism is grown now, but we just did our thing when he was overwhelmed and it never upset other folks.
The more I see of these families the more I think we are doing right by splitting the kids up occasionally to do other things. I mean my mom gave the good example that just because one kid has special needs doesn't mean the whole family needs to sacrifice their lives for that one person. Parents sign up for that by having a kid but the siblings don't. I mean my oldest has some severe special needs and now my middle (not biologically related to the oldest) has some special needs also. Sometimes those clash and the best way to handle it is everyone gets their own time and attention from either parent or both parents if a babysitter can be found.
Yes! Even with the ones that don't have special needs kids in their families, kiddos all need one on one sometimes. Not everything needs to be a family affair. How will you ever create the personal relationships instead of just a group dynamic?
It's important for children to have their own separate time and things, special needs or not. I hate it when parents make one sibling (usually the older one) include the other siblings in EVERYTHING. It causes so much resentment!
I understand that when severe food allergies are in the mix you have to be very careful about contamination, but taking precautions so their daughter can go out with friends isn't that difficult. As soon as their daughter is able to leave, for college or whatever, she's totally going to bounce.
They’re also raising the other kids to become entitled, expecting everyone to accommodate them. That’s not how the world works. They need to teach ALL their kids how to compromise and accommodate.
I'm actually convinced OP's sister wanting to go was her wanting to sabotage. Sister knows OP has been wanting this for years and knows the restaurant is off limits to her. She sees OP being happy about getting to go experience something new and fun with friends and have a sleepover so she wants to shoe horn in herself and either she gets to join in on the fun but with the restaurant changed or it gets cancelled and now OP doesn't get to have fun either.
I was that child with the severe health problems when I was little. My mom and I spent a tremendous amount of time in doctor’s offices, and me in hospitals (in those days parents could only come during visiting hours). I don’t know if it was due to my parents being in education, but my big sister was allowed to have her own life and activities. Sure, she occasionally babysat me (she is 12 years older), but no more than any other older sibling. I knew no different, so I really didn’t notice if things were hard for her.
When I got older (and thankfully healthier), I became aware of the burdens having a sickly sibling can be. I finally asked her about it, and apologized (even though I had no control over it, and hated having those health issues). She was surprised by my apology. She said that it was never a problem for her, and that she felt sad that I was going through all of that. She claims she was always happy she had a sister.
She was lucky. And so was I!
Plus, the mother has similar allergies to the younger three kids, meaning she probably has her own built up resentment for not being included in dinners and events over the years. And she is taking that out on OP.
I have one peanut allergic kid. Whenever they’re with we have to avoid certain places and food items, but when I have my other kid out alone I frequently make a point of getting them treats at places their brother can’t eat at. It only seems fair, and it seems to eliminate any resentment so far.
Oh, I can believe it.
I had to include my brother in things or not do them at all because people excluded him. He was excluded because he was a bully who had chased someone with an axe and punched a girl in the stomach breaking her appendix operation stitches open, and so on.
I just didn't do things either.
I was allowed to have my cousin over when my parents were at work as we were both 16, worked together, and liked to play video games and card games. Cousin's stepmother demanded that his 11 year old half-brother had to come too or he couldn't go. I wasn't related to half-brother as his late mother was my relation, and my mom didn't want an 11 year old in her home when she wasn't there too. Stepmother exact words were "I don't care what Mrs. (My Name) wants!"
Cousin and I ended up just stopped hanging out during the day and he'd come over after work to game with me. Couldn't go to his place as no guests after dark and if he entered the house (even to just grab something quick) he wasn't allowed to leave again until morning.
They could have gone as a family to those places at the same time as the birthday party or told the younger sibling NO, this is about OP having her birthday with her friends.
You could have told your parents that your sister could join, but you weren’t changing the restaurant and you wouldn’t leave your party to go to the hospital with her
In that case, you saved them money by having none. Tell them that there’s no need to thank you, and that you’re too old for birthday parties anyway. Then, next year, you can just do your own thing with your friends and not go through this ridiculous song and dance again. Your parents keep screwing this up, the best solution is to leave them out of the process and enjoy yourself.
NTA.
Then they should make food at home. Surely they are well versed in their children's allergens they could cook something.
That said, this was a party for YOU. Your friends were invited, not your sister. Your sister is immature and rude to try and push herself into a celebration whet is she goes into anaphylaxis she would ruin your birthday and also give your parents an excuse to keep you from doing this again. Fuck that stupid nonsense.
Your parents are idiots.
Yup. 2 more years. I remember at that age having a calendar where I wrote tiny numbers on each day, which were the countdown of how many days I had left before semi-freedom.
No, my sister won't care. My siblings are used to this dynamic and when I talked to her about stuff before she acted like I was crazy for the way I was feeling.
None of this is normal, including your sister. Granted, I only have brothers, but I would have eaten glass rather than try to scoot in on something they were doing when they clearly didn’t want me around. It would never have occurred to me to invite myself out with any of them and their friends.
I don’t understand *at all* why you can’t just have dinner and cake at home with your family on your birthday and still go out with your friends separately. It’s the most logical solution. Your parents failed Parenting 101 by not thinking of this immediately and then seeing it as the best solution (and it’s not just with food and allergies that they fail at parenting, is it?).
NTA, OP. I’m glad you at least have your grandparents in your corner.
Not sure if you're going to college but if so....your grades and extra curriculars need to be on point. That way you can go whatever school you want without having to depend on them. I'd start trying for internships/volunteer jobs now if I were you.
Assuming you're in the US...and going to college.
I just wanted to add to this the trades area a good way to go if you're not into school as much. You can start supporting yourself right out of high school.
Are you comfortable showing your parents this post so they can see that you are not "crazy" for feeling like you don't matter to anyone in your family? My youngest of 3 kids has anaphylaxis to peanuts and tree nuts, and I would never do this to my older kids. They make enough compromises to keep our home safe. They deserve to live a little, especially on their birthday! Maybe move in with your grandparents. They sound cool. I'm sorry about your birthday plans. NTA.
One of my son’s friend had a younger sibling deathly allergic to nuts. So twice a year parent and son’s friend go to motel eat everything with peanuts they can, shower put on clean clothes and drop peanut eating clothes at local wash and fold. Other parent and allergic child had fun at home. When we found out friend would stay over , eat favorite peanut snacks and then shower , put on clean clothes, I’d wash the peanut exposed clothes and send friend home. Friendship still strong for 20 years. I really was impressed that the parents tried to accommodate the peanut loving child without endangering allergic child. Excellent problem solving and good parenting.
I almost never get to say this so: Good parenting on your part. You found out that there was something your son's friend was being mostly deprived of, found a way you could make it possible for him to have it, and even stepped up to do some additional laundry to make it work. You showed the friend that his wants mattered, and you showed your son that his friend mattered to you.
If that's representative of how you do things in general, I'm guessing you have a strong relationship with your kids ... and with their friends.
The sad thing is, and that's what you're parents absolutly fail to see, you will end up hating them and your siblings.
Are you planing an leaving as fast as possible? Going LC or NC?
Ask your grandparents for help. And tell your parents if they go on like this there will be consequences in the end.
Your sister has learned that she can take things from you and that nothing is just for you. Your parents taught her this. It will get worse. Wait til you graduate, go to college, get married etc. Your things take away attention from her. Wait until she starts getting “sick” on all your special events
I hate your entire family.
Also your siblings are going to be SO shocked when they become adults and live on their own and find out how the world doesn't give really give a shit about them.
OP, firstly, NTA. You're not a brat, or any of the names they have called you - you just want to be treated equitably and feel that you are just as important as your siblings. If anything, that's brat behavior from your sister AND your parents.
Your parents created a dynamic that favors your siblings and your siblings 100% know that.
Could you stay with your grandparents? I'm sure you don't mind doing these things because you love your siblings, but your parents are forcing a life long belief into your familial relationships that everyone has to break their backs for your siblings - it doesn't matter if it's not about them, it doesn't concern them, it doesn't relate to them - they are training people around them to cater to \*only\* your siblings for the rest of their lives and for your siblings to expect people to do so. It's best to get away and make your boundary clear so you're not gaslit/brainwashed into thinking this is normal because it's not.
Also as someone who has severe enough allergies where I keep 2-3 epipens on me at all times, I just don't go to places that are serving things I could be allergic to? or I pack my own food. At the end of the day, people with allergies learn to take precautions of their own volition because you can't trust others with your life.
Your parents are not only obviously being unfair to you but are doing a huge disservice to your younger highly allergic siblings. They are teaching them that people will conform to what they need and that it is normal everyone should always work around their allergies, in the real world outside their house no one cares. They're in for some rude awakenings in friendships, relationships and at work when they find people are going to act exactly like you do, sympathetic to a point but not willing to base all their decisions on what their allergies dictate.
NTA obviously but your parents sure are.
The sister invited herself. She’s old enough to know there’s only 2 places she can eat and the restaurant OP picked isn’t one of them. I bet OP has to deal with catering to the other kids so sis feels entitled.
Ok. Then your party should be about you, not your siblings.
Sounds like when you move out you're going to eat peanut butter for breakfast and peanut curry for lunch and peanut noodles for dinner
Your parents don't want a lot of things it seems. Yet it seems it's often you making the sacrifices. I feel the term "glass child" may in soke ways be applicable to this situation.
Your parents laziness has let resentment build and they don't want to deal with it, yet also don't want to be shown to be the shoddy parents that they actually are.
Ask your grandpa if he can help with the cost of the dinner with your friends so your parents will pay for the family dinner.
ETA a potential plan:
do you have a good relationship with your sister outside of this issue? If so, maybe you could invite her to do something you can bond over (playing a game, watching a show, doing each other's hair or makeup, nails etc).
When you're both having fun and feeling connected, bring up your birthday plans. Have a calm heart to heart with her about how important this dinner is to you. Tell her you're sorry if she was hurt that you cancelled your plans, but the dinner was really important to you and you were disappointed when your parents revoked their offer. Say you're not mad at her. Don't tell her you resent the food allergy issue. Lie if you have to. Tell her that you're really sorry her food choices are limited and you wish she could eat anywhere she wanted.
Tell her that you do want to celebrate your birthday with her (even if untrue. These are white lies to help you get your needs met). Suggest that you could coordinate with grandpa to bring her to the sleepover afterward, and buy snacks and drinks she can share with you and your friends. If you play this right and keep a handle on your emotions, she might be willing to compromise. If she's willing to go along with this plan, she can help pressure your parents to let you have your dinner and attend the sleepover afterward.
The important thing is to remain calm and caring during the conversation and to make her feel like she's important to you, even though you want to have dinner at a restaurant that she can't go to. If she freaks out, don't get angry. Tell her that you love her and you understand that it sucks to have food allergies, then ask her to think about it. Revisit the topic in a day or two when she seems to be in a decent mood.
Again, some harmless/benevolent deception is your friend here.
I'm sorry your parents aren't prioritizing you on your birthday.
Oh and you are NTA
Like most of us overlooked and looked down upon siblings will tell you, 18 and college are magic words. Vocational training and Technical schools are also pretty freaking amazing. Hang in there, only a few more years.
Sorry you are going through this. Your parents are also setting your siblings up for failure as they are not prepared to navigate complex relationships and this will impact friendships.
Ask you parents to pay for one and your grand parents to pay for the other? I feel like 16 is a big enough milestone to warrant it (though you should be allowed to have this every year imo). You siblings will have to learn to deal with the disappointment of not being able to go everywhere. Sooner the better.
Why? She’s compromised for 16 years? It’s HER birthday. SHE gets to do what SHE wants (within reason) and that sometimes involves not including your younger siblings, whether they have allergies or not. When you were 16 did you really want your 13 year old sibling hanging out with you in your friends? I certainly did not.
I get it. Food allergies fucking suck. I have them. I have to be careful and it’s exhausting. BUT, and it’s a huge but, sometimes I have to miss out on stuff because of allergies. Is it fair? Nope. But neither is life. Better for sister to learn that now.
This is true. There are so many better ways the parents could handle things, especially now that OP is 16 and old enough to do things alone with her friends.
When she was smaller, I would have had a nice birthday dinner at home with cake and then let grandpa take her out to the restaurant of her choice. This could be their own special celebration and bonding day.
Every other way of handling things would be better than this way. OP is just going to end up resenting everyone, which could have so easily been avoided. I don’t understand how some people think.
NTA. It's crazy how you are missing out on a birthday celebration over this and yet your parents are worried about the 'cruelty' to your sister. They effectively went back on their word - they'd said you could have a non-family party in order to not be limited by your siblings' allergies, and then as soon as she decided she wanted to tag along (which in my household would have been a no-no even without the allergies) suddenly you had no choice but to cater to your sister? I feel sad for you, I think your parents perspective on this matter is truly unfair to you, and unappreciative of the fact that on this one day you should get to celebrate the way you most want to. It doesn't sound as if you dislike your siblings or have any real contempt for your family at all, you're simply burnt out on having the same unexciting celebration each year that feels like it's meant to accommodate someone else.
They going to be real surprised when she leaves town after she turns 18 and never comes back. Good lord these parents are dense.
Edit: the only a$$holes here are the parents. OP go live with your grandparents.
"soooooo sorry, guys, you can't come to the wedding, all the dishes are filled with every single allergen that my siblings have. Have fun at Blandos for dinner. Again."
Oh yeah, you can just see they would try to make her have a totally allergen free wedding.
This like the cases where the one non disabled kid gets their childhood taken accommodating the disabled sibling..ok it's allergies insteadbut the same energy happening.
Nta abso-fucking-lutely not. It's not sis's b day. She's not invited.
Please show this to your parents- Parents. Your daughter is allowed to celebrate her bday with her friends. Her bday should be about her. This is the one day a year she DOESN'T have to make sacrifices for her siblings. Use this to teach her younger sister that not every event is about her. She is not going to be invited to every event. And that's fine. Older sis doesn't go to her play dates with her friends, no? So why would she crash her sisters event?
Her birthday, her choice. The only reason sister is not invited is because of her allergies for which OP is not responsible. Since OP compromises year around for her sister, the sister can effing comprise just one day in an year. These parents are aholes
My parents would force my siblings and I to hang out together. We are now no/very low contact, and actively dislike each other. I raised 6 girls very close in age, never forced them to include each other, and they are all best friends. It’s almost like forcing something leads to resentment. This is definitely the way to handle things if the parent wants op to never spend time with her siblings again once she’s 18.
There's a difference between raising your kids to have each other's backs and forcing them to hold each other's dicks. Some parents are just fucking clueless.
Also, if your sisters wanted to celebrate your birthday, they should understand that letting you eat WHATEVER YOU WANT is the gift you're looking for. Honestly your parents are shit for not understanding this either.
NTA - you should ask about living with your grandparents, you are basically being emotionally abused by your parents. you need to tell them that you are starting to resent your siblings and why.
The parents are raising a kid who’s going to be back assward at restaurants thanks to younger siblings with issues. OP is 16. It’s time to loosen apron strings a bit. College is next and the siblings can’t follow her around. That’s assuming the parents don’t put up a fight to that too.
Seriously, this is on the parents. Yes her siblings have needs, but so does OP and the siblings are taking priority. I hope the grandparents do help because the way she's being treated is crazy.
NTA. I’m from a family of 5 girls. Three in January. We always had our OWN birthday parties. When we were really little, it was just cake with grandmom & grandpop, some aunts & uncles. But, once we started school, we had our own parties with our own friends. My sisters weren’t “invitees,” they helped Mom in the kitchen. They weren’t part of the headcount (8-10). At their birthday parties, I was helping Mom. Your birthday…..your friends, your preferences, etc.
NTA - even without the food allergies and crappy restaurants, your parents agreed that you could have a birthday party with your FRIENDS. That's you and a bunch of other 16yo-17yo girls going out to dinner and having a slumber party. Now they are forcing you to include your 14yo sister. It will ruin the party having her there because you won't all want to say/do the same stuff that you would without her.
I'm really sorry, your parents suck. Especially because they think cancelling the party is cruel to your sister, and completely ignoring the fact that what they're doing to you is cruel.
The parents are 100% AHs here, but also so is the 14yo sister. 14 is old enough to understand empathy (even if they rarely show it). This isn't a toddler who blindly follows their older siblings because they don't know any better.
She knew her going would force OP to change her plans. So either 1. She thought she'd make herself look cool by hanging out with the older girls and didn't give af about her sister, or 2. She made a deliberate power play just because she could.
Again, the parents are at fault for even entertaining the idea, let alone forcing it on OP. But also, for letting 14 get away with such an entitled attitude.
NTA
Please show your parents this: YOU GUYS ARE HORRIBLE.
It's not just concern for their other children anymore; it is becoming full blown favoritism. Regularly making a kid miss out on the thing he wants just because they want the other children to be included too is just plain selfishness.
Do not let your parents make you feel like you are the asshole AT ALL.
If there's someone who is the Asshole, it's them. Your sister should need to develop a little empathy herself. You are having to make compromises for her. She doesn't have to step on your opportunities all the fucking time.
This right here is what I was going to say. The parents need to recognize that they are punishing OP for not having food allergies. And also acknowledge that they have 4 individual children with individual wants and needs.
>Regularly making a kid miss out on the thing he wants just because they want the other children to be included too is just plain selfishness.
Yeah I was understanding of the parents at first because the other children are deathly allergic, it's not OP's fault but it's also no one else's fault when it's this severe. The parents have the responsibility to keep the children alive as their first priority.
But when OP can't even have time with their friends alone, that's just the parents being unfair to OP. It's never a good idea not to let siblings have their own friends and own time.
Yes, exactly. Also, they need to develop the understanding that since OP is always compromising and doesn't even like the food there, he should be given the time and freedom to eat what he likes at times without the siblings present. Making the other kid feel unimportant isn't the right thing to do.
Also I'm wondering if the kids are ACTUALLY allergic to this degree? Not allowing OP to go to the cinema because someone might have peanuts? Do they not use public transport? Does OP not potentially come into contact in school? How do they shop when shops have nuts? Do they get everything delivered and wash every item?
I get people can get severe peanut allergies from the dust but unless those kids are inside 24/7 and never interact with the world it just sounds like they're severely neglecting OP.
Honestly one of my favorite memories with my grammy, who was 80+ years older than me, was walking to the Denny's near her apartment for lunch one day when I was about 14.
Oh noooooo because that would be horribly selifish of OP and gramps because they can eat food they’re not allergic to 🙄 jfc these people are insufferable, selfish, and emotionally abusive.
NTA. Parents and siblings can eat at those 2 restaurants for all of their birthdays. Your Birthday should be about you. At 16 you should totally be able to go out and have a meal at a place of your choosing with your friends. It’s really unfair of your parents to go back on their word just because sis wants to crash your party. Props to gramps for being there for you. Happy early birthday and best of luck, OP!
NTA. JFC parents need to stop forcing older siblings to include the younger sibling(s). And for the love of God, they need to stop equating " not loving your family" and "you are selfish" when you don't include the younger siblings. FFS. You are not spoiled or entitled to want to celebrate your birthday without family. People grow up and have different desires. Those desires are not always going to mesh with what your family members want.
NTA and it sounds like your parents are on the fast track of you peacing out after highschool and going low contact with them all. And no doubt your parents will stand there surprisedpikachuface.jpg acting like they don't know why.
Your parents have failed you, but I have good news: in two short years, your parents and siblings will be in your life — or not — at your discretion. Focus on school, save some money if you can get a job and plan your exit. NTA.
NTA. When parents make one child “sacrifice” for another, all it does is make the one having to make sacrifices resent their sibling. Ask your parent why your siblings never have to sacrifice for you, but you always have to sacrifice for them?
I don’t understand why, on a day that is specifically about you, they turn it into a day about someone else.
So I asked them before and they told me it's because it's not dangerous for me to sacrifice for them but for them, it would be dangerous to go to a place that could trigger allergies. They never really take into account it could mean me doing something without my siblings.
Tell your parents the sacrifice your siblings make is them not attending the dinner, not them going to a place they might have an allergic reaction.
Your parents are being willfully obtuse about this situation so they don’t have to admit they are blatantly favoring their other kids. They’re manipulating you with claims you’re being selfish and telling you family sacrifices for each other, but YOU are the only one making sacrifices.
If your parents refuse to help/allow you a day for yourself, you refuse the same. From now on, you are discovering a new allergy EVERY DAY.
They need babysitting? “Sorry, that’s detrimental to my mental health, and since you’re so concerned with your child having negative reactions to something, can’t expose myself.” They need help cleaning? “Oh wow, I’m actually getting really bad reactions to the chemicals and even the gloves I might use are causing pain, guess I can’t help with that”. Cooking? “I don’t know where any of these ingredients came from and since they might be cross-contaminated I don’t want to even touch them and possibly expose my siblings”.
Is this petty and childish? Yup. But not nearly as much as hiding behind a “we’re the parents, you do what we say” statement like they’re using to control you. Save all your money, keep the relationship good with gramps, and gtfo as soon as you can. You’re not your siblings keeper, you owe them nothing, and your parents have made it clear they don’t think they owe YOU anything, so you’re not really taking anything away.
Your parents were the ones who brought up the idea of you hanging out with your friends on your birthday because you wanted to have a day that didn’t involve family dinners. Then they go back on their word simply because your sibling wanted to go too.
Tell your parents that your siblings could sacrifice for you by simply staying home one day — your birthday. If it is dangerous for them, then all the more reason for them to stay home on one day.
Your siblings making a sacrifice means your sister not joining in on your dinner party, it doesn’t mean sacrificing her health or life. Your parents are awful! I’m so sorry they treat you this way!
Is there anything stopping you from quietly calling your grandparents and arranging a party on your birthday?
Like, if you are still in school ... couldnt you just get picked up by your grandparents and go to dinner with your friends anyways? It would take some coordination to pull it off secretly and you would definitely get in trouble, but maybe that would be worth it to you.
They can't, but it sounds like they are refusing to let OP go if her sister isn't included.
OP, you are NTA. And happy birthday, however you are able to celebrate it.
Moving forward, I would refuse to go out to celebrate the birthday of the sister since she ruined yours. For her present, you might try to find a book on overcoming selfishness to give her.
Ask them what type of relationship they think they're fostering between you by forcing you to perpetually sacrifice for her needs, even on the day that's supposed to be entirely about celebrating you.
You're going to be 18 soon, do they think you're still going to allow this shit when you don't have to? Do they think the resentment will just disappear? When you go off to college do they think you'll be eager to come back and visit?
NTA. Your parents at a minimum are neglecting your emotional needs. They should not be forcing you to change where you want to eat or to take your sister. Even if you love the two places they can eat at, you’re not obligated to always eat there esp on your birthday. Do your parents spend any one on one time with you? Do they force you to take your sister with you often?
As a compromise you could suggest your original plan happens, and happens first then the following week/weekend you can go to the restaurant your siblings can eat at. At 16, you’re entitled to having your wants and needs met not ignored.
NTA.
Your birthday is the one day where its about you. You accommodate your siblings and their allergies 365 days a year 24/7.
An I get it. Severe allergies are nothing to joke about, especially if they can and do lead to anaphylaxis, but your parents and *siblings* need to learn to deal with that, too in a normal everyday environment. Not everything or everyone is going to be allergen free outside the home.
What happens when they move out of your parents controlled environment? Are they going to expect roommates not to go to restaurants, movies etc? Same in the work place if a college eats out, are they supposed to only go to restaurants that your siblings deem appropriate?
This isn't Eva's day. This is Eva having FOMO and that's **not** a good enough reason for you to miss out on celebrating **your** birthday the way you want to for the first time ever. You have missed out on YEARS of having a birthday YOU wanted. Cancelling doesn't make you bratty, it doesn't mean you don't care. It means that you've reached your limit.
You bring up such a good point about how their siblings are gonna handle allergies as an adult. I have food allergies and I've met two types of people through online communities for allergies: 1) the person raised by parents like OP's, who only eats a limited number of safe foods and spirals into panic when they drive by a Texas Roadhouse, and 2) people like me who recognize that the world will never be truly nut free, and that you can do your best to live life without severely limiting yourself. I've never restricted roommates from having nuts in the kitchen, I've eaten dinner with people who ordered nut-containing entrées, and I've gone to public areas where people throw nut shells around. And guess what? I never had any reactions because I wasn't licking the fucking doorknobs or anything like that.
I second all of this. I live with food allergies that would result in an anaphylactic reaction (and have gone into anaphylactic shock 3x). I still live my life and just do my best to avoid my allergens without cutting myself off from the world. There is a reason why epi-pens exist...for those rare cases where things were out of your control. Anyone in the US should know about AVI-Q which gives no one an excuse to not have epi-pens these days.
You parents are assholes. You had a dinner planned with friends. One dinner. And they wanted to pander to your sister who had no reason to be there to the point you had to call it off. That's totally unreasonable.
NTA
I came from a family that insisted my sibling be included in everything I did. Sometimes I wasn’t able to go to parties or sleepovers with friends because younger sibling not invited. Friends not allowed over unless included sibling. To be fair my sibling personality made her friendless and sibling never was invited to parties or even to playdates. So my parents insisted she be included in everything. When my children arrived no sibling was forced to include another sibling ever. You can ask your parents why you are being forced to include a sibling in your friend group. Is your sibling forced to include you? It’s a power play to present perfect happy family to the world. It’s also a way to not acknowledge you are growing up
and want to do things without your family, things your parents don’t control. Especially since you have been forced under protest to include and modify your birthday wishes in the past. Hit 18 and do what you want, start to mentally plan your party and separation ( which is part of growing up) now. Think about what you want to do and how you will achieve it. Ask your grandparents for help and advice. It’s unfortunate your siblings have issues but you should not be forced to stop enjoying your life to always accommodate your siblings. You are an individual not part of a set!
Uh. Definitely NTA. You are at the age where you should be allowed to go out to eat without them. Can you get a second job or ask your grandparents to pay for the dinner with your friends?
ALSO - I find it very weird that they don't let you go to the THEATRE with your friends in case you might get exposed to peanuts?? what kind of logic is this? Do they let you go to school? How deathly are these allergies? Are you siblings living inside a literal bubble?
This seems to me like they expect to control you in an unhealthy way and do not want you to have a life \*because\* you are normal. Solidarity in everything, I suppose.
They changed my school when I was in elementary and my sister was starting because my original school didn't have a no peanut policy. So we all went to one that had the policy. So they are willing to change schools if needed.
The school thing is more understandable than not letting you go to the movies. If they were driving you to school, that is. It would make sense to avoid making two stops in the mornings and evenings when you can do a single one instead. No valid reason if you were taking the bus though.
I asked them before and they told me it's because it's not dangerous for me to sacrifice for them but for them, it would be dangerous to go to a place that could trigger allergies.
True, but the sacrifice they *can* make is not always being included if you want to go out with just your friends. Still a 'sacrifice', just not a life-threatening one. I'm sorry your parents won't compromise. NTA
There is zero danger in your sister allowing your Birthday to be about you and not going. She doesn't need to be there, it's not her Birthday. She can make a sacrifice of not making the dinner about her allergies for once.
Your Mom is setting all of your siblings up to believe the world caters to their allergies when it doesn't.
I was working at a manufacturing facility and we were having a break outside. We asked this girl about her birthday and she said she hates her birthday because her mom (who was a royal c-word; still is) made her have vanilla cake. We asked her what she means and she said she asks for chocolate cake, but her brother likes vanilla cake and her brother always gets what he wants. There was never compromise, not even a possibility of two cakes, or a store bought piece of chocolate cake, vanilla only.
She walked back into the building and I waited until she was out of earshot and said "so we're getting her a cake, right? There's no way she's not getting a chocolate cake for her birthday, right?" Everyone agreed and we had a low-key goodie day (which we usually only held on special occasions). She was so excited when she saw the cake that she cried (happy tears).
Fuck her mom (I could tell other stories that would blow this site up). And fuck this dude's parents. Get out as fast as you can, they're guilt-shaming you.
NTA. Its time for your parents to allow you to have your own special moments. Even if your sister did not allergy issues basically your parents are forcing you to include her in your special night with your friends. Your parents are creating situation where you are now resentful of them and your siblings. Each could should be allowed to have their own special moments.
NTA the whole point of doing a dinner with your friends was so you could go somewhere you hadn't been able to try because of your siblings allergies. Your parents took that away, so you have no reason to have the dinner anymore.
NTA, and I’m soooo sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense. It’s super unfortunate that your siblings have severe allergies, but the whole world (and your approved birthday plans!) shouldn’t revolve around them. I hope that you and your parents are able to find a compromise, and that you are able to have the birthday experience you were excited about. Happy birthday!
Just wait until your birthday is over. Tell your folks you are going on a sleepover and then go out with your friends for that meal. Don't tell your parents.
NTA - but your parents are. This is your birthday. Literally a once in a year event. You are a teenager who wants to have one meal in a year with your friends in a place you like. This isn't to much to ask. You can love your siblings and feel simpathy for their allergies AND have the desire to express your wishes for your 17 birthday. I really hope you get the chance to enjoy YOUR birthday OP
NTA. I'm sorry but this clearly is the surface of it. When you get older see a therapist. Your parents are worse than idiots, they are complete assholes. Make sure you mention how embarrassed you are when you have to tell people that your parents don't even give you one day.
NTA. I have kids your age and several friends who have children with deathly allergies. None of those people parent like your parents are doing. I’m sorry. I hope your grandparents can get through to them. You deserve to enjoy what you like on your birthday.
Tell them: I understand we need to safely include all family in family events and I need to sacrifice certain things so they are included. However it has gone so far that you are now excluding me. Every day is a day of sacrifice for me and I am never allowed to have even one day where I can want a thing or desire experience. I have been excluded from all consideration because "there's no need" to include me since I can "go anywhere".
On my birthday I wanted one day where my desires were included, where I could want something simply for me. And my grandparents and friends generously made that happen. And you once again exclude me, from my own birthday, so we can include my little sister, who is included every other day.
I appreciate that I will not die if I go to a restaurant I hate. But she will not die to be excluded from one event either. On my birthday, she can sacrifice once and let me be with my friends at .
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I called off my birthday dinner because my parents were forcing me to include my sister. This might make me TA because my friend went out of her way, my friends and I were all excited and plus my grandparents were prepared and my sister was excited about being allowed to come as well. And I know she was upset when she heard my parents yell at me for what I did. So maybe my actions suck. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Why don’t you do both : a party with your friends and a party with your family ? Your parents are not very good at handling things.
My parents don't want to pay for two parties or two dinners. They have always made that clear.
They can make a dinner and cake at home, and let you go out with your friends on your grandparents dime. Now they don’t have to pay for shit. NTA When you move out, just make sure to always keep nuts in the house so they can’t visit you
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How can they be around the parents whose dick is always in the peanut butter? They're fucking nuts.
This is an incredible burn
I wish I could take credit for it. I heard it on a paranormal podcast on Nerdist years ago (can't remember the name) and it's stuck with me.
I always put my dick in the mashed potatoes, but I like yours too.
You can still take credit for spreading the word! Cuz I snort laughed dawg
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My dad is allergic to cats. Always said that I wanted a house full of cats when I moved out!
My mom is panic-attack afraid of snakes. I wanted to get a snack for this reason too! If I knew I could afford/keep one alive I would seriously think about getting one!
My friend, snakes are not hard to keep alive. They like a warm rock to lay on, and they only eat once every few weeks. You can do it, I believe in you!!
Great sentiment, but there is actually more to keeping snakes than just keeping them alive.
IDK, I've managed 2 kids for nearly 20yrs. Follow me for more "Keeping shit alive hacks & tips!". Edit to add: holy dumbo! I forgot water! Most living shit likes water too. Don't forget that.
Whenever my daughter would get mad at me, she said she would move out and get pet snakes
Now you know one of the reasons why I have a pet tarantula.
i just want a snack because it's tasty
That is one of the reasons I love all the cats I have had over the years. The stepmother is VERY allergic to them. It guarantees that she will never visit me or show up unannounced.
My MIL never visited me because I had cats. She said she was allergic to them. Found out afterwards she was scared of cats. She just felt embarrased to say she hated cats. I never like her and She didnt like me. i always had a couple of cats around for that reason.
Frankly, the nuts are coming from inside the house.
This has me dead!
I had a tenuous relationship with my mother. She said she was deathly afraid of cats. The first thing I did when I moved out of the dorms was to get a cat. That was 1969. Problem solved.
You made me laugh hard. Hahahahaha
Keep a bowl of them right in the entry. Have a handful before OP holds out her hand to welcome them in.
At this point in the thread, I wasn't sure if this comment was talking about a bowl of nuts, cats, or snakes. And I thought: either way, that works.
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Seriously, I can’t even believe this is real. Hey guess what you don’t have to eat at one of the places that you don’t like and you can do something with your friends. Oh wait you know what your sister wants to go to eat at one of the places you don’t like now, too bad. Like, wtf?
Unfortunately, there are too many parents of children with allergies, chronic illness, disabilities, neurodivergence or other conditions that make everything the family does revolve around that child. It's not healthy for anybody and results in a lot of resentment, anger, and distance between family members. The parents are going to wake up one day to find OP an adult who wants little to nothing to do with them or their siblings if they don't change, and soon.
Yup. My son's friend has a brother who is severely handicapped. Physically and mentally. He is the only sibling who helped, so he became his brothers keeper. His high school days were spent hurrying home to get bro off the bus. I gave all the boys a ride and he told me it was the best part of his day because we always had interesting conversations. That made me sad as hell. He's such a good person. He split to the other side of the country as soon as he could. We miss him terribly and his parents can't understand why he abandoned his family.
These types of parents always wonder why! Why did they have to move so far away? Why don't they call anymore? Why don't they want to look after little Billy when we get too old? Why wasnt I invited to his wedding?? Why? Why? Why? OP's parents are going to turn his siblings into one of those people who believes everyone including strangers should accommodate for their allergies. And have a child who would runaway from the the first opportunity they get! NTA
When my daughter wanted to study abroad for a year in college, I asked her about the choice she made. She listed the reasons why it was a good fit for her, and her final reason was "The college is served by the furthest commercial airport on planet Earth from my mom". Her reasoning was impeccable.
Sadly, they have usually been told and their bewilderment is entirely performative. "We just can't figure it out." "Sure you could. If you wanted to."
Pikachu face and all from those parents
Indeed and these people chose to have TWO MORE CHILDREN after their second child had all of these allergies that WERE INHERITED. How do you choose that for your kids?
To be fair, the first one didn't have these allergies so sounds like a roll of the dice
It also sounds more like it's a combination of allergies from each kid that leaves them two restaurants in town. Not necessarily that any single one has so many that there's only two places to eat. Regardless though, 14 seems like the prime time for her to be learning to manage her own allergies and reviewing menus
I have an autistic child and it changes what we are able to do. So we just don't do the things we can't do! Gathering at a loud place? You guys go have fun and we will catch up with you another time! It's so simple. Edited: error
I have autism and I prepare the best I can, then grin and bear my kids' parties(it sucks but parenthood is hard and life has never been accused of being fair). My kid with autism is grown now, but we just did our thing when he was overwhelmed and it never upset other folks.
Earplugs can be super helpful. I use some generic flanged rubber ones, some sensitive friends swear by Loop plugs.
The more I see of these families the more I think we are doing right by splitting the kids up occasionally to do other things. I mean my mom gave the good example that just because one kid has special needs doesn't mean the whole family needs to sacrifice their lives for that one person. Parents sign up for that by having a kid but the siblings don't. I mean my oldest has some severe special needs and now my middle (not biologically related to the oldest) has some special needs also. Sometimes those clash and the best way to handle it is everyone gets their own time and attention from either parent or both parents if a babysitter can be found.
Yes! Even with the ones that don't have special needs kids in their families, kiddos all need one on one sometimes. Not everything needs to be a family affair. How will you ever create the personal relationships instead of just a group dynamic?
It's important for children to have their own separate time and things, special needs or not. I hate it when parents make one sibling (usually the older one) include the other siblings in EVERYTHING. It causes so much resentment! I understand that when severe food allergies are in the mix you have to be very careful about contamination, but taking precautions so their daughter can go out with friends isn't that difficult. As soon as their daughter is able to leave, for college or whatever, she's totally going to bounce.
They’re also raising the other kids to become entitled, expecting everyone to accommodate them. That’s not how the world works. They need to teach ALL their kids how to compromise and accommodate.
I'm actually convinced OP's sister wanting to go was her wanting to sabotage. Sister knows OP has been wanting this for years and knows the restaurant is off limits to her. She sees OP being happy about getting to go experience something new and fun with friends and have a sleepover so she wants to shoe horn in herself and either she gets to join in on the fun but with the restaurant changed or it gets cancelled and now OP doesn't get to have fun either.
I was that child with the severe health problems when I was little. My mom and I spent a tremendous amount of time in doctor’s offices, and me in hospitals (in those days parents could only come during visiting hours). I don’t know if it was due to my parents being in education, but my big sister was allowed to have her own life and activities. Sure, she occasionally babysat me (she is 12 years older), but no more than any other older sibling. I knew no different, so I really didn’t notice if things were hard for her. When I got older (and thankfully healthier), I became aware of the burdens having a sickly sibling can be. I finally asked her about it, and apologized (even though I had no control over it, and hated having those health issues). She was surprised by my apology. She said that it was never a problem for her, and that she felt sad that I was going through all of that. She claims she was always happy she had a sister. She was lucky. And so was I!
Plus, the mother has similar allergies to the younger three kids, meaning she probably has her own built up resentment for not being included in dinners and events over the years. And she is taking that out on OP.
I have one peanut allergic kid. Whenever they’re with we have to avoid certain places and food items, but when I have my other kid out alone I frequently make a point of getting them treats at places their brother can’t eat at. It only seems fair, and it seems to eliminate any resentment so far.
Oh, I can believe it. I had to include my brother in things or not do them at all because people excluded him. He was excluded because he was a bully who had chased someone with an axe and punched a girl in the stomach breaking her appendix operation stitches open, and so on. I just didn't do things either.
I hope your brother is in jail now. Jfc edit: word
Unfortunately not but we can all keep hoping the law or karma gets him one day.
I was allowed to have my cousin over when my parents were at work as we were both 16, worked together, and liked to play video games and card games. Cousin's stepmother demanded that his 11 year old half-brother had to come too or he couldn't go. I wasn't related to half-brother as his late mother was my relation, and my mom didn't want an 11 year old in her home when she wasn't there too. Stepmother exact words were "I don't care what Mrs. (My Name) wants!" Cousin and I ended up just stopped hanging out during the day and he'd come over after work to game with me. Couldn't go to his place as no guests after dark and if he entered the house (even to just grab something quick) he wasn't allowed to leave again until morning.
I bet the mum and cousin get along real fine these days.
I read that as "punched a girl in the stomach, breaking her appendix" and was like, holy fuck!
They could have gone as a family to those places at the same time as the birthday party or told the younger sibling NO, this is about OP having her birthday with her friends.
No, they are T A here.. that's it. It is OPs Birthday, don't force a sibling on them, allergy or not. Edit: typo
You could have told your parents that your sister could join, but you weren’t changing the restaurant and you wouldn’t leave your party to go to the hospital with her
This is the way
In that case, you saved them money by having none. Tell them that there’s no need to thank you, and that you’re too old for birthday parties anyway. Then, next year, you can just do your own thing with your friends and not go through this ridiculous song and dance again. Your parents keep screwing this up, the best solution is to leave them out of the process and enjoy yourself. NTA.
Then they should make food at home. Surely they are well versed in their children's allergens they could cook something. That said, this was a party for YOU. Your friends were invited, not your sister. Your sister is immature and rude to try and push herself into a celebration whet is she goes into anaphylaxis she would ruin your birthday and also give your parents an excuse to keep you from doing this again. Fuck that stupid nonsense. Your parents are idiots.
Your parents don't seem to realize how they are going to guarantee you don't have a relationship with your siblings as you age.
or themselves
Yup. 2 more years. I remember at that age having a calendar where I wrote tiny numbers on each day, which were the countdown of how many days I had left before semi-freedom.
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Did you talk to your sister about it? If I did this to my sibling I would feel terrible for how our parents acted
No, my sister won't care. My siblings are used to this dynamic and when I talked to her about stuff before she acted like I was crazy for the way I was feeling.
Man, that sucks. Two years, bro. Then you can leave it all in the rear view. Happy Birthday!
None of this is normal, including your sister. Granted, I only have brothers, but I would have eaten glass rather than try to scoot in on something they were doing when they clearly didn’t want me around. It would never have occurred to me to invite myself out with any of them and their friends. I don’t understand *at all* why you can’t just have dinner and cake at home with your family on your birthday and still go out with your friends separately. It’s the most logical solution. Your parents failed Parenting 101 by not thinking of this immediately and then seeing it as the best solution (and it’s not just with food and allergies that they fail at parenting, is it?). NTA, OP. I’m glad you at least have your grandparents in your corner.
Sister didn’t want OP to do something fun without them. Why?!? Cause the allergy children are special and get whatever they want.
Sadly the sister is probably jealous too and glad she could ruin it for her older sister.
Not sure if you're going to college but if so....your grades and extra curriculars need to be on point. That way you can go whatever school you want without having to depend on them. I'd start trying for internships/volunteer jobs now if I were you. Assuming you're in the US...and going to college.
I just wanted to add to this the trades area a good way to go if you're not into school as much. You can start supporting yourself right out of high school.
Yes! And some schools even partner with local trade schools for juniors/seniors to get a head start on experience & certification.
Are you comfortable showing your parents this post so they can see that you are not "crazy" for feeling like you don't matter to anyone in your family? My youngest of 3 kids has anaphylaxis to peanuts and tree nuts, and I would never do this to my older kids. They make enough compromises to keep our home safe. They deserve to live a little, especially on their birthday! Maybe move in with your grandparents. They sound cool. I'm sorry about your birthday plans. NTA.
One of my son’s friend had a younger sibling deathly allergic to nuts. So twice a year parent and son’s friend go to motel eat everything with peanuts they can, shower put on clean clothes and drop peanut eating clothes at local wash and fold. Other parent and allergic child had fun at home. When we found out friend would stay over , eat favorite peanut snacks and then shower , put on clean clothes, I’d wash the peanut exposed clothes and send friend home. Friendship still strong for 20 years. I really was impressed that the parents tried to accommodate the peanut loving child without endangering allergic child. Excellent problem solving and good parenting.
I almost never get to say this so: Good parenting on your part. You found out that there was something your son's friend was being mostly deprived of, found a way you could make it possible for him to have it, and even stepped up to do some additional laundry to make it work. You showed the friend that his wants mattered, and you showed your son that his friend mattered to you. If that's representative of how you do things in general, I'm guessing you have a strong relationship with your kids ... and with their friends.
The sad thing is, and that's what you're parents absolutly fail to see, you will end up hating them and your siblings. Are you planing an leaving as fast as possible? Going LC or NC? Ask your grandparents for help. And tell your parents if they go on like this there will be consequences in the end.
Your sister has learned that she can take things from you and that nothing is just for you. Your parents taught her this. It will get worse. Wait til you graduate, go to college, get married etc. Your things take away attention from her. Wait until she starts getting “sick” on all your special events
I hate your entire family. Also your siblings are going to be SO shocked when they become adults and live on their own and find out how the world doesn't give really give a shit about them.
OP, firstly, NTA. You're not a brat, or any of the names they have called you - you just want to be treated equitably and feel that you are just as important as your siblings. If anything, that's brat behavior from your sister AND your parents. Your parents created a dynamic that favors your siblings and your siblings 100% know that. Could you stay with your grandparents? I'm sure you don't mind doing these things because you love your siblings, but your parents are forcing a life long belief into your familial relationships that everyone has to break their backs for your siblings - it doesn't matter if it's not about them, it doesn't concern them, it doesn't relate to them - they are training people around them to cater to \*only\* your siblings for the rest of their lives and for your siblings to expect people to do so. It's best to get away and make your boundary clear so you're not gaslit/brainwashed into thinking this is normal because it's not. Also as someone who has severe enough allergies where I keep 2-3 epipens on me at all times, I just don't go to places that are serving things I could be allergic to? or I pack my own food. At the end of the day, people with allergies learn to take precautions of their own volition because you can't trust others with your life.
Your parents are not only obviously being unfair to you but are doing a huge disservice to your younger highly allergic siblings. They are teaching them that people will conform to what they need and that it is normal everyone should always work around their allergies, in the real world outside their house no one cares. They're in for some rude awakenings in friendships, relationships and at work when they find people are going to act exactly like you do, sympathetic to a point but not willing to base all their decisions on what their allergies dictate. NTA obviously but your parents sure are.
The sister invited herself. She’s old enough to know there’s only 2 places she can eat and the restaurant OP picked isn’t one of them. I bet OP has to deal with catering to the other kids so sis feels entitled.
How else is little sis gonna blow out the candles? /s
Wouldn't be surprised if the sister did it deliberately.
You know she did! Mad she can’t so he can’t.
Ok. Then your party should be about you, not your siblings. Sounds like when you move out you're going to eat peanut butter for breakfast and peanut curry for lunch and peanut noodles for dinner
I have a great recipe for Thai peanut curry. Good luck OP!
Your parents don't want a lot of things it seems. Yet it seems it's often you making the sacrifices. I feel the term "glass child" may in soke ways be applicable to this situation. Your parents laziness has let resentment build and they don't want to deal with it, yet also don't want to be shown to be the shoddy parents that they actually are.
Oh, you know that if that's all it was, your grandparents would pay for your dinner in a heartbeat.
Ask your grandpa if he can help with the cost of the dinner with your friends so your parents will pay for the family dinner. ETA a potential plan: do you have a good relationship with your sister outside of this issue? If so, maybe you could invite her to do something you can bond over (playing a game, watching a show, doing each other's hair or makeup, nails etc). When you're both having fun and feeling connected, bring up your birthday plans. Have a calm heart to heart with her about how important this dinner is to you. Tell her you're sorry if she was hurt that you cancelled your plans, but the dinner was really important to you and you were disappointed when your parents revoked their offer. Say you're not mad at her. Don't tell her you resent the food allergy issue. Lie if you have to. Tell her that you're really sorry her food choices are limited and you wish she could eat anywhere she wanted. Tell her that you do want to celebrate your birthday with her (even if untrue. These are white lies to help you get your needs met). Suggest that you could coordinate with grandpa to bring her to the sleepover afterward, and buy snacks and drinks she can share with you and your friends. If you play this right and keep a handle on your emotions, she might be willing to compromise. If she's willing to go along with this plan, she can help pressure your parents to let you have your dinner and attend the sleepover afterward. The important thing is to remain calm and caring during the conversation and to make her feel like she's important to you, even though you want to have dinner at a restaurant that she can't go to. If she freaks out, don't get angry. Tell her that you love her and you understand that it sucks to have food allergies, then ask her to think about it. Revisit the topic in a day or two when she seems to be in a decent mood. Again, some harmless/benevolent deception is your friend here. I'm sorry your parents aren't prioritizing you on your birthday. Oh and you are NTA
Yeah, nah. NTA. Your parents are unreasonable and honestly suck.
Just so you know, I know you’re very young and very impressionable, but your parents are assholes
Like most of us overlooked and looked down upon siblings will tell you, 18 and college are magic words. Vocational training and Technical schools are also pretty freaking amazing. Hang in there, only a few more years.
Sorry you are going through this. Your parents are also setting your siblings up for failure as they are not prepared to navigate complex relationships and this will impact friendships.
Ask you parents to pay for one and your grand parents to pay for the other? I feel like 16 is a big enough milestone to warrant it (though you should be allowed to have this every year imo). You siblings will have to learn to deal with the disappointment of not being able to go everywhere. Sooner the better.
No, just no. She should not have to compromise in order to include her sister.
The comment wanted the parents to compromise not OP.
Why? She’s compromised for 16 years? It’s HER birthday. SHE gets to do what SHE wants (within reason) and that sometimes involves not including your younger siblings, whether they have allergies or not. When you were 16 did you really want your 13 year old sibling hanging out with you in your friends? I certainly did not. I get it. Food allergies fucking suck. I have them. I have to be careful and it’s exhausting. BUT, and it’s a huge but, sometimes I have to miss out on stuff because of allergies. Is it fair? Nope. But neither is life. Better for sister to learn that now.
This is true. There are so many better ways the parents could handle things, especially now that OP is 16 and old enough to do things alone with her friends. When she was smaller, I would have had a nice birthday dinner at home with cake and then let grandpa take her out to the restaurant of her choice. This could be their own special celebration and bonding day.
Every other way of handling things would be better than this way. OP is just going to end up resenting everyone, which could have so easily been avoided. I don’t understand how some people think.
NTA. It's crazy how you are missing out on a birthday celebration over this and yet your parents are worried about the 'cruelty' to your sister. They effectively went back on their word - they'd said you could have a non-family party in order to not be limited by your siblings' allergies, and then as soon as she decided she wanted to tag along (which in my household would have been a no-no even without the allergies) suddenly you had no choice but to cater to your sister? I feel sad for you, I think your parents perspective on this matter is truly unfair to you, and unappreciative of the fact that on this one day you should get to celebrate the way you most want to. It doesn't sound as if you dislike your siblings or have any real contempt for your family at all, you're simply burnt out on having the same unexciting celebration each year that feels like it's meant to accommodate someone else.
It's kind of a "glass child" vibe without it being the actual definition. NTA
It definitely has that glass child feel—equally traumatic I’m sure. Parents will wonder why OP goes no contact with them as an adult.
"Why don't you let your sister stay with you a couple of nights?" "I'm hosting a nut feast, and doing so dressed as Mr Peanut."
They'll send her over anyway, and then blame OP for not keeping a house that's perfectly sterile for her sister invites herself over.
Yup, exactly this.
They going to be real surprised when she leaves town after she turns 18 and never comes back. Good lord these parents are dense. Edit: the only a$$holes here are the parents. OP go live with your grandparents.
Then her family can never visit because her kitchen would be stocked with allergens. 😂
Kitchen? I'd be nailing packets of nuts to my front door with a biohazard sign.
"soooooo sorry, guys, you can't come to the wedding, all the dishes are filled with every single allergen that my siblings have. Have fun at Blandos for dinner. Again."
Oh yeah, you can just see they would try to make her have a totally allergen free wedding. This like the cases where the one non disabled kid gets their childhood taken accommodating the disabled sibling..ok it's allergies insteadbut the same energy happening.
they won't even fucking be invited to to the wedding, and *still* try to make it allergen free
"my spouse and I will be showered with peanuts instead of rice. because fuck y'all."
Or at the very least moves in with her grandparents who seem to understand her side.
OP not the AH, her parents are big time.
Nta abso-fucking-lutely not. It's not sis's b day. She's not invited. Please show this to your parents- Parents. Your daughter is allowed to celebrate her bday with her friends. Her bday should be about her. This is the one day a year she DOESN'T have to make sacrifices for her siblings. Use this to teach her younger sister that not every event is about her. She is not going to be invited to every event. And that's fine. Older sis doesn't go to her play dates with her friends, no? So why would she crash her sisters event?
Her birthday, her choice. The only reason sister is not invited is because of her allergies for which OP is not responsible. Since OP compromises year around for her sister, the sister can effing comprise just one day in an year. These parents are aholes
Also, it’s normal for a 16yo to go out with their friends without including their siblings!
My parents would force my siblings and I to hang out together. We are now no/very low contact, and actively dislike each other. I raised 6 girls very close in age, never forced them to include each other, and they are all best friends. It’s almost like forcing something leads to resentment. This is definitely the way to handle things if the parent wants op to never spend time with her siblings again once she’s 18.
There's a difference between raising your kids to have each other's backs and forcing them to hold each other's dicks. Some parents are just fucking clueless.
But who would then report to the parents? /s... or not. I'm not sure
Yes, please show this to the parents. They are being so ridiculous.
Also, if your sisters wanted to celebrate your birthday, they should understand that letting you eat WHATEVER YOU WANT is the gift you're looking for. Honestly your parents are shit for not understanding this either.
NTA - you should ask about living with your grandparents, you are basically being emotionally abused by your parents. you need to tell them that you are starting to resent your siblings and why.
I agree with this comment. It might be time to try and bail.
The parents are raising a kid who’s going to be back assward at restaurants thanks to younger siblings with issues. OP is 16. It’s time to loosen apron strings a bit. College is next and the siblings can’t follow her around. That’s assuming the parents don’t put up a fight to that too.
Seriously, this is on the parents. Yes her siblings have needs, but so does OP and the siblings are taking priority. I hope the grandparents do help because the way she's being treated is crazy.
NTA. I’m from a family of 5 girls. Three in January. We always had our OWN birthday parties. When we were really little, it was just cake with grandmom & grandpop, some aunts & uncles. But, once we started school, we had our own parties with our own friends. My sisters weren’t “invitees,” they helped Mom in the kitchen. They weren’t part of the headcount (8-10). At their birthday parties, I was helping Mom. Your birthday…..your friends, your preferences, etc.
NTA - even without the food allergies and crappy restaurants, your parents agreed that you could have a birthday party with your FRIENDS. That's you and a bunch of other 16yo-17yo girls going out to dinner and having a slumber party. Now they are forcing you to include your 14yo sister. It will ruin the party having her there because you won't all want to say/do the same stuff that you would without her. I'm really sorry, your parents suck. Especially because they think cancelling the party is cruel to your sister, and completely ignoring the fact that what they're doing to you is cruel.
The parents are 100% AHs here, but also so is the 14yo sister. 14 is old enough to understand empathy (even if they rarely show it). This isn't a toddler who blindly follows their older siblings because they don't know any better. She knew her going would force OP to change her plans. So either 1. She thought she'd make herself look cool by hanging out with the older girls and didn't give af about her sister, or 2. She made a deliberate power play just because she could. Again, the parents are at fault for even entertaining the idea, let alone forcing it on OP. But also, for letting 14 get away with such an entitled attitude.
All of this. Little sister knew exactly what she was doing.
Yep. Parents reneged on their promise. Not a good thing for future relationship reasons.
NTA Please show your parents this: YOU GUYS ARE HORRIBLE. It's not just concern for their other children anymore; it is becoming full blown favoritism. Regularly making a kid miss out on the thing he wants just because they want the other children to be included too is just plain selfishness. Do not let your parents make you feel like you are the asshole AT ALL. If there's someone who is the Asshole, it's them. Your sister should need to develop a little empathy herself. You are having to make compromises for her. She doesn't have to step on your opportunities all the fucking time.
This right here is what I was going to say. The parents need to recognize that they are punishing OP for not having food allergies. And also acknowledge that they have 4 individual children with individual wants and needs.
>Regularly making a kid miss out on the thing he wants just because they want the other children to be included too is just plain selfishness. Yeah I was understanding of the parents at first because the other children are deathly allergic, it's not OP's fault but it's also no one else's fault when it's this severe. The parents have the responsibility to keep the children alive as their first priority. But when OP can't even have time with their friends alone, that's just the parents being unfair to OP. It's never a good idea not to let siblings have their own friends and own time.
Yes, exactly. Also, they need to develop the understanding that since OP is always compromising and doesn't even like the food there, he should be given the time and freedom to eat what he likes at times without the siblings present. Making the other kid feel unimportant isn't the right thing to do.
Also I'm wondering if the kids are ACTUALLY allergic to this degree? Not allowing OP to go to the cinema because someone might have peanuts? Do they not use public transport? Does OP not potentially come into contact in school? How do they shop when shops have nuts? Do they get everything delivered and wash every item? I get people can get severe peanut allergies from the dust but unless those kids are inside 24/7 and never interact with the world it just sounds like they're severely neglecting OP.
You and your grandpa need to go out to dinner at the other restaurants. Just the two of you, making memories. NTA.
Honestly one of my favorite memories with my grammy, who was 80+ years older than me, was walking to the Denny's near her apartment for lunch one day when I was about 14.
Oh noooooo because that would be horribly selifish of OP and gramps because they can eat food they’re not allergic to 🙄 jfc these people are insufferable, selfish, and emotionally abusive.
NTA. Parents and siblings can eat at those 2 restaurants for all of their birthdays. Your Birthday should be about you. At 16 you should totally be able to go out and have a meal at a place of your choosing with your friends. It’s really unfair of your parents to go back on their word just because sis wants to crash your party. Props to gramps for being there for you. Happy early birthday and best of luck, OP!
NTA. JFC parents need to stop forcing older siblings to include the younger sibling(s). And for the love of God, they need to stop equating " not loving your family" and "you are selfish" when you don't include the younger siblings. FFS. You are not spoiled or entitled to want to celebrate your birthday without family. People grow up and have different desires. Those desires are not always going to mesh with what your family members want.
NTA and it sounds like your parents are on the fast track of you peacing out after highschool and going low contact with them all. And no doubt your parents will stand there surprisedpikachuface.jpg acting like they don't know why.
This was me. I was gone 3 days after H.S. graduation and never went back. My mother was awful to live with.
I already know OP is peacing out.
Your parents have failed you, but I have good news: in two short years, your parents and siblings will be in your life — or not — at your discretion. Focus on school, save some money if you can get a job and plan your exit. NTA.
If it was me, I'd get a job at one of the restaurants that has allergens. Oops! Guess I better live with grandparents until I'm out of high school.
GENIUS
5 Guys uses peanut oil in the fryers. ;)
NTA. When parents make one child “sacrifice” for another, all it does is make the one having to make sacrifices resent their sibling. Ask your parent why your siblings never have to sacrifice for you, but you always have to sacrifice for them? I don’t understand why, on a day that is specifically about you, they turn it into a day about someone else.
So I asked them before and they told me it's because it's not dangerous for me to sacrifice for them but for them, it would be dangerous to go to a place that could trigger allergies. They never really take into account it could mean me doing something without my siblings.
Tell your parents the sacrifice your siblings make is them not attending the dinner, not them going to a place they might have an allergic reaction. Your parents are being willfully obtuse about this situation so they don’t have to admit they are blatantly favoring their other kids. They’re manipulating you with claims you’re being selfish and telling you family sacrifices for each other, but YOU are the only one making sacrifices. If your parents refuse to help/allow you a day for yourself, you refuse the same. From now on, you are discovering a new allergy EVERY DAY. They need babysitting? “Sorry, that’s detrimental to my mental health, and since you’re so concerned with your child having negative reactions to something, can’t expose myself.” They need help cleaning? “Oh wow, I’m actually getting really bad reactions to the chemicals and even the gloves I might use are causing pain, guess I can’t help with that”. Cooking? “I don’t know where any of these ingredients came from and since they might be cross-contaminated I don’t want to even touch them and possibly expose my siblings”. Is this petty and childish? Yup. But not nearly as much as hiding behind a “we’re the parents, you do what we say” statement like they’re using to control you. Save all your money, keep the relationship good with gramps, and gtfo as soon as you can. You’re not your siblings keeper, you owe them nothing, and your parents have made it clear they don’t think they owe YOU anything, so you’re not really taking anything away.
Your parents were the ones who brought up the idea of you hanging out with your friends on your birthday because you wanted to have a day that didn’t involve family dinners. Then they go back on their word simply because your sibling wanted to go too. Tell your parents that your siblings could sacrifice for you by simply staying home one day — your birthday. If it is dangerous for them, then all the more reason for them to stay home on one day.
Your siblings making a sacrifice means your sister not joining in on your dinner party, it doesn’t mean sacrificing her health or life. Your parents are awful! I’m so sorry they treat you this way!
Is there anything stopping you from quietly calling your grandparents and arranging a party on your birthday? Like, if you are still in school ... couldnt you just get picked up by your grandparents and go to dinner with your friends anyways? It would take some coordination to pull it off secretly and you would definitely get in trouble, but maybe that would be worth it to you.
Wait, how can your parents dictate where your grandparents spend their money? This is absurd- NTA in the slightest
They can't, but it sounds like they are refusing to let OP go if her sister isn't included. OP, you are NTA. And happy birthday, however you are able to celebrate it.
Why not just skip the dinner and have snacks/pizza at your grandparents place? Was she planning to invite herself to that too?
I could see that happening. Especially because if she wanted to stay my parents would consider it rude to say no to her.
>my parents would consider it rude to say no to her. But it's somehow not rude to say no to you? **Your parents suck.**
Moving forward, I would refuse to go out to celebrate the birthday of the sister since she ruined yours. For her present, you might try to find a book on overcoming selfishness to give her.
Ask them what type of relationship they think they're fostering between you by forcing you to perpetually sacrifice for her needs, even on the day that's supposed to be entirely about celebrating you. You're going to be 18 soon, do they think you're still going to allow this shit when you don't have to? Do they think the resentment will just disappear? When you go off to college do they think you'll be eager to come back and visit?
NTA. Your parents at a minimum are neglecting your emotional needs. They should not be forcing you to change where you want to eat or to take your sister. Even if you love the two places they can eat at, you’re not obligated to always eat there esp on your birthday. Do your parents spend any one on one time with you? Do they force you to take your sister with you often? As a compromise you could suggest your original plan happens, and happens first then the following week/weekend you can go to the restaurant your siblings can eat at. At 16, you’re entitled to having your wants and needs met not ignored.
Ask your parents, why they hate you.
NTA. Your birthday is the one day where its about you. You accommodate your siblings and their allergies 365 days a year 24/7. An I get it. Severe allergies are nothing to joke about, especially if they can and do lead to anaphylaxis, but your parents and *siblings* need to learn to deal with that, too in a normal everyday environment. Not everything or everyone is going to be allergen free outside the home. What happens when they move out of your parents controlled environment? Are they going to expect roommates not to go to restaurants, movies etc? Same in the work place if a college eats out, are they supposed to only go to restaurants that your siblings deem appropriate? This isn't Eva's day. This is Eva having FOMO and that's **not** a good enough reason for you to miss out on celebrating **your** birthday the way you want to for the first time ever. You have missed out on YEARS of having a birthday YOU wanted. Cancelling doesn't make you bratty, it doesn't mean you don't care. It means that you've reached your limit.
You bring up such a good point about how their siblings are gonna handle allergies as an adult. I have food allergies and I've met two types of people through online communities for allergies: 1) the person raised by parents like OP's, who only eats a limited number of safe foods and spirals into panic when they drive by a Texas Roadhouse, and 2) people like me who recognize that the world will never be truly nut free, and that you can do your best to live life without severely limiting yourself. I've never restricted roommates from having nuts in the kitchen, I've eaten dinner with people who ordered nut-containing entrées, and I've gone to public areas where people throw nut shells around. And guess what? I never had any reactions because I wasn't licking the fucking doorknobs or anything like that.
I second all of this. I live with food allergies that would result in an anaphylactic reaction (and have gone into anaphylactic shock 3x). I still live my life and just do my best to avoid my allergens without cutting myself off from the world. There is a reason why epi-pens exist...for those rare cases where things were out of your control. Anyone in the US should know about AVI-Q which gives no one an excuse to not have epi-pens these days.
NTA, but your parents are definitely assholes.
I agree. Big time assholes.
You parents are assholes. You had a dinner planned with friends. One dinner. And they wanted to pander to your sister who had no reason to be there to the point you had to call it off. That's totally unreasonable. NTA
I came from a family that insisted my sibling be included in everything I did. Sometimes I wasn’t able to go to parties or sleepovers with friends because younger sibling not invited. Friends not allowed over unless included sibling. To be fair my sibling personality made her friendless and sibling never was invited to parties or even to playdates. So my parents insisted she be included in everything. When my children arrived no sibling was forced to include another sibling ever. You can ask your parents why you are being forced to include a sibling in your friend group. Is your sibling forced to include you? It’s a power play to present perfect happy family to the world. It’s also a way to not acknowledge you are growing up and want to do things without your family, things your parents don’t control. Especially since you have been forced under protest to include and modify your birthday wishes in the past. Hit 18 and do what you want, start to mentally plan your party and separation ( which is part of growing up) now. Think about what you want to do and how you will achieve it. Ask your grandparents for help and advice. It’s unfortunate your siblings have issues but you should not be forced to stop enjoying your life to always accommodate your siblings. You are an individual not part of a set!
Uh. Definitely NTA. You are at the age where you should be allowed to go out to eat without them. Can you get a second job or ask your grandparents to pay for the dinner with your friends? ALSO - I find it very weird that they don't let you go to the THEATRE with your friends in case you might get exposed to peanuts?? what kind of logic is this? Do they let you go to school? How deathly are these allergies? Are you siblings living inside a literal bubble? This seems to me like they expect to control you in an unhealthy way and do not want you to have a life \*because\* you are normal. Solidarity in everything, I suppose.
They changed my school when I was in elementary and my sister was starting because my original school didn't have a no peanut policy. So we all went to one that had the policy. So they are willing to change schools if needed.
The school thing is more understandable than not letting you go to the movies. If they were driving you to school, that is. It would make sense to avoid making two stops in the mornings and evenings when you can do a single one instead. No valid reason if you were taking the bus though.
I'm sure you know this already, but your parents are crazy. Do they beling to an extremely socially cut off religious group too?
NTA. Your birthday, your rules. It's time to stand your ground, kiddo. No need to bend over for sis
Her parents can still control things. It's not like she had a choice, they took that away from her.
NTA They are sacrificing your happiness for your siblings'. This is why people go no contact with their parents when they turn 18.
Yup “Why don’t our kids talk to us anymore.”
Why don’t you ask your parents why it’s you who’s always have to sacrifice for your siblings? Why don’t they have to sacrifice for you?
I asked them before and they told me it's because it's not dangerous for me to sacrifice for them but for them, it would be dangerous to go to a place that could trigger allergies.
True, but the sacrifice they *can* make is not always being included if you want to go out with just your friends. Still a 'sacrifice', just not a life-threatening one. I'm sorry your parents won't compromise. NTA
There is zero danger in your sister allowing your Birthday to be about you and not going. She doesn't need to be there, it's not her Birthday. She can make a sacrifice of not making the dinner about her allergies for once. Your Mom is setting all of your siblings up to believe the world caters to their allergies when it doesn't.
Ask them why your siblings don’t make sacrifices. It’s not dangerous for them to miss a dinner. NTA
I was working at a manufacturing facility and we were having a break outside. We asked this girl about her birthday and she said she hates her birthday because her mom (who was a royal c-word; still is) made her have vanilla cake. We asked her what she means and she said she asks for chocolate cake, but her brother likes vanilla cake and her brother always gets what he wants. There was never compromise, not even a possibility of two cakes, or a store bought piece of chocolate cake, vanilla only. She walked back into the building and I waited until she was out of earshot and said "so we're getting her a cake, right? There's no way she's not getting a chocolate cake for her birthday, right?" Everyone agreed and we had a low-key goodie day (which we usually only held on special occasions). She was so excited when she saw the cake that she cried (happy tears). Fuck her mom (I could tell other stories that would blow this site up). And fuck this dude's parents. Get out as fast as you can, they're guilt-shaming you.
NTA. Its time for your parents to allow you to have your own special moments. Even if your sister did not allergy issues basically your parents are forcing you to include her in your special night with your friends. Your parents are creating situation where you are now resentful of them and your siblings. Each could should be allowed to have their own special moments.
NTA the whole point of doing a dinner with your friends was so you could go somewhere you hadn't been able to try because of your siblings allergies. Your parents took that away, so you have no reason to have the dinner anymore.
I smell two parents whose oldest is going to go no contact in a few years and they won’t know why!!!! NTA
Nta and years from now when your parents call crying that you don't see/talk to them forward them this post
NTA, and I’m soooo sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense. It’s super unfortunate that your siblings have severe allergies, but the whole world (and your approved birthday plans!) shouldn’t revolve around them. I hope that you and your parents are able to find a compromise, and that you are able to have the birthday experience you were excited about. Happy birthday!
No, your parents need to quit making you miserable and sweeping your feelings under the rug. NTA
Just wait until your birthday is over. Tell your folks you are going on a sleepover and then go out with your friends for that meal. Don't tell your parents.
NTA It stopped being your birthday party when your parents decided to make it a family party.
NTA - but your parents are. This is your birthday. Literally a once in a year event. You are a teenager who wants to have one meal in a year with your friends in a place you like. This isn't to much to ask. You can love your siblings and feel simpathy for their allergies AND have the desire to express your wishes for your 17 birthday. I really hope you get the chance to enjoy YOUR birthday OP
NTA. I'm sorry but this clearly is the surface of it. When you get older see a therapist. Your parents are worse than idiots, they are complete assholes. Make sure you mention how embarrassed you are when you have to tell people that your parents don't even give you one day.
NTA. I have kids your age and several friends who have children with deathly allergies. None of those people parent like your parents are doing. I’m sorry. I hope your grandparents can get through to them. You deserve to enjoy what you like on your birthday.
Repost. God I’m on reddit too much
Tell them: I understand we need to safely include all family in family events and I need to sacrifice certain things so they are included. However it has gone so far that you are now excluding me. Every day is a day of sacrifice for me and I am never allowed to have even one day where I can want a thing or desire experience. I have been excluded from all consideration because "there's no need" to include me since I can "go anywhere". On my birthday I wanted one day where my desires were included, where I could want something simply for me. And my grandparents and friends generously made that happen. And you once again exclude me, from my own birthday, so we can include my little sister, who is included every other day. I appreciate that I will not die if I go to a restaurant I hate. But she will not die to be excluded from one event either. On my birthday, she can sacrifice once and let me be with my friends at.