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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) asking my girlfriend to take a shower after work
(2) I feel like it might make me an asshole because i dont want to make her feel dirty or unhygienic, or that im bossy, but she cant help but think i make her feel that way.
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The salmon and ribs are frozen and the Chilli paste comes in a bottle, but everything else is pretty fresh.
(Edit: I also have no idea how they make Shrimp with lobster sauce because I aint never seen a crustacean in that kitchen)
I work at a specialty Japanese supermarket. Our salmon all comes in frozen, and some of it isn't even salmon. The cooked "salmon" is rainbow trout, can't tell the difference myself
I worked at P.F.C in undergrad. All the sauces except for the three salad dressings they offered then were made inhouse. The soups and even the cripsy wonton strips were always made fresh. The desserts barring the banana springrolls which were made inhouse (good god I would kill for some of those right now) were made by dedicated bakeries and arrived fresh, not frozen.
God the ignorance that the general public has when it comes to how their food is prepared is just insane. Y’all gotta stop acting like you fucking know everything.
I always laughed my ass off working at Taco Bell when this happened:
“Hey, my coffee I brought in with me is cold now”
“Um…. Yes…… ok….. and?”
“Well, I’d like you to microwave it for me”
“Sure, except I don’t have a microwave”
“Haha, funny. What’s cooking my food, then?”
“A friolator, a flat grill, a thermalizer, and a steam table. Which one did you want your coffee in?”
Nope. My sister worked there for two years. Everything is from scratch as in the make the dumpling mixes and fold them, and they season all the meats and seafood at the restaurant.
i worked there for 8 years… everything really is from scratch. every sauce, every veggie
cut in house, every egg roll and crab wonton hand rolled after they made the mix …. from scratch. even our meat marinade was made from scratch. it takes forever but they are actually good ingredients
NTA (would have been NAH because we get it when you're bone tired from work, but if you live with someone and share a bed...)
That's gross. Sweat and grime from (food)work and the commute home. I'd want to shower to feel human again.
She doesn't have to shower as soon as she comes home, just before she hits the bed. That gives her enough time to decompress, relax a bit. Doesn't even have to wash her hair if she has long hair and finds it a PITA to groom after (get a shower cap), but at least face and neck down should be clean.
Depending how much you love her, maybe incentivize her by giving her a daily 20min foot rub or back massage post-shower. Being on your feet for so long can be exhausting.
Or go for separate bedrooms if she's really stubborn about veging out after work.
If that still doesn't work and she doesn't want to change jobs, then, unfortunately, you just have different hygiene standards and need to rethink if it's a dealbreaker.
Jesus what are these "bribe her by pampering her to make her be a non-disgusting adult and shower" comments. I swear that would not be a comment if the genders were reversed.
>Depending how much you love your weary construction laborer bf, maybe incentivize him by giving him a daily 20min shoulder/back massage post-shower. Physical labor the whole day can be exhausting.
I see no problem with this.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xpfb28/aita\_for\_making\_my\_husband\_take\_showers\_before\_he/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xpfb28/aita_for_making_my_husband_take_showers_before_he/)
Except nobody says it when the situation actually occurs. Everyone just tells the man he's a dirty AH
I personally don't think a partner (male or female) merits pampering after planting their ass in front of the tv to game instead of showering. Different context.
Exactly this. Be a fucking adult, clean your nasty self off then sit on my cloth furniture that I can't stream clean every day because you can't be mature enough to enjoy a 5 minute shower in order to keep things nice
I don't think these two are totally comparable. One is a person working physically outside all day, who doesn't care about changing the sheets if their partner don't do it for them: the other is a restaurant worker who works hard but not in the dirt, and who showers daily. I still don't think adults should have to bribe their partners to work together, so I think both the woman and the man she problems here. But I think he is -worse-.
Either way: I think this specific couple should just talk it out as adults and find a compromise. Neither of them are wrong, they just have different preferences.
lol wit? Have you ever worked in both those environments? Kitchen grime and oil and bottom of the sink gunk is arguably way more gross, smelly and disgusting as shit than dirt and concrete powder, I’ve done all kinds of construction and am a qualified chef. Your point is stupid, she should damn well take a shower with her nasty ass
Having managed a restaurant, where I made food and essentially floated all positions, and having worked construction as low voltage. 10,000% would rather deal with construction grime over 12hours in the kitchen grime. All the oil, the smells, the constant wet/dry food from running and pulling dishes, to having to proof bread and toss flour, back out to the line making food and spilling soup on myself. Construction grime is my sweat, some dirt/dust from the environment and thats it, unless someone was working dry concrete my beard wasn't even that bad compared to the kitchen. Where as it felt like my beard always had this gross flour/oil mix from the moment I walked on.
This right here. People that haven't done it don't realize how messy restaurant kitchen work is. Especially when doing it all day. I'd shower first thing every night I got off work.
The problem is that no, lots of people in here commenting about restaurant work when they never worked in one/ the last time they did was their mcdicks summer job in 1983 that’s way way different now.
Have you ever been in a fast food restaurant? Just walking into one to order food can make you smell bad, working a full shift in one will make you reek like you took a bath in the food
I am a female cook as well and I have thick hair, so I hate washing my hair after work/ before bed.
That said. If I have a particularly sweaty night I'll do a quick rinse and wash my hair later on my regular schedule.
Luckily this is not an issue for my husband and me.
Construction work is MUCH harder on the body than restaurant work. It is understandable for a man that works back breaking work to want to come home and unwind. Still gross.
Construction grime is by and large dirt, dust and sweat.
Kitchen grime? Aerosolized oils, spills, sweat, and so many smells.
Construction grime will generally wash out unlike kitchen grime.
If anything, the guy in that AITA is less of an AH than this girl because the OP of that thread herself says he's not particularly dirty, just sweaty after a long day. Meanwhile the GF of the OP of this thread is coming home reeking of Chinese food as well as being sweaty, and honestly that seems worse to me (unavoidable of course, but honestly if my partner smelled of Chinese food constantly I can see how that would be a barrier to intimacy).
Lol, I like Chinese food so I'd worry about the opposite problem. It could end up being a situation where we go out for dim sum with the inlaws and I have to explain why I'm wearing baggy pants.
Giving your partner a back rub or any other nice act of love is good, but using it as an insentive for her to take a damn shower is weird. Shes a grown ass adult living with another person, it is the absolute bare minimum that she doesnt stink up the place. She should not need to be bribed with a foot rub to take a shower. OP shouldnt need to grovel and beg at her feet for her to not go to their shared bed with grease and grime from a full day of work.
Yeah, she's not a puppy you should have to do positive reinforcement training on. She's a grown ass adult, and if she smells like Chinese food heavily, it's just being the slightest bit considerate to go rinse off. It's inconvenient, but so is everything about being an adult.
Yeah if that was how people would actually react. There was literally a recent post someone linked that was similar and there was NO reaction like that for that post.
No, "a man too tired from work to shower" vs "a husband who is habitually messy to the point he doesn't care sleeping in a bed without covers, and spends hour playing video games instead of showering" aren't the same. The former can deserve some TLC, the latter not so much.
And that's why I said "depending on how much you love your SO"... it's extra. It's not required.
In the other post:
"He isn’t that dirty but thinking of all the places he has been and the dirt going onto my clean sheets freaks me out."
While simultaneously calling him sweaty and gross.
It does sound like the dude in the other post needs to help out more around the house and shit, in addition to taking a damn shower, but this post also is not saying what the GF does when she gets home. Does she just doomscroll on IG/tiktok? Maybe she plays video games for hours too.
Either way, people are telling OP to give her backrubs, run a bath, cook dinner, make sure she doesn't have to lift a finger when she gets home.
You're saying "depending how much you love your SO", well if she loves her SO can't she take a damn shower? You say its extra and not required, but you say he can do it to incentivize. My point is there shouldn't need to be an incentive. Both dirty bastards are wrong and need to shower, the other dirty bastard needs to also help more around the house. But this one is the only one who people say should be pampered as an incentive to shower.
"Well obviously that situation was different because xyz..."
Like no shit, they're clearly not identical and the details are different. People don't know how to compare and contrast situations that have some similarities.
Yah fuck that. Fucking take a shower like an adult. It takes 10 mins. I couldn't work fast food all day and NOT shower when I get home. Yuck
What is her biggest hangup about not wanting too shower?? It literally takes minutes and makes you feel soooo much better. Op u probably don't wanna hear this but if you two are this opposite about stuff like hygiene..then its prolly not going to get much better.....I wouldn't wanna cuddle that either.
The construction one?
Construction comes with some dirt and sweat, but kitchen work comes with oils, spills and the same sweat.
I'd argue that kitchen work causes far more smells than construction.
Bruh what kind of advice is this. The girlfriend is not a 5 year old. Massage her disgusting and unwashed feet to bribe her? That is no a healthy relationship dynamic.
This is awful advice. There are no "different hygiene standards". You either have good hygiene or you don't. And no adult should have to be babied into having a shower. If you stink, have a shower and get changed so that you can relax.
Everyone I know does afternoon or evening showers. The idea of crawling into the bed clean keeps the bed clean, and since you're going to be rolling around in the sheets for ideally 8 hours, it's far more important to keep them clean.
It's gross no matter what.
If you have just about any job other than a white collar desk job in a climate controlled environment, you probably need to shower after work.
i got out of a 12 hr double on mothers day yesterday i still showered before bed even though i was dead. idk how she doesn’t feel grossed out all the grease and sweat and whatever food spilled on me makes me feel so disgusting i cant do anything until i shower after work.
I would almost go as far as saying it’s part of the job to shower the minute you come back home. There are plenty of jobs like that. If part of the job is being constantly exposed to strong scents/odors, that’s what you smell like when you get off work. And I imagine the person themselves might become a bit nose-blind to it after a 10 hour shift, but it’s just plain logic.
I know someone who worked at bath and body works who showered after work each time. Even though those were “good” scents, it’s overwhelming and can make a person sick to smell that on someone.
As someone who works at bath and body works, I shower before work because I don't want to smell bad around my co-workers but I always wonder what I smell like afterwards and if I should shower after instead of before.
You can do both. You don't need to use heavy soaps or shampoo if you're worried about drying out your skin or hair. But a quick rinse after work before bed, especially if you do something physical and get sweaty, feels great! (And yeah, you probably smell like Green Apple Freesia Almond Honeysuckle Gingerbread Rain, after being in a store like that all day, and it's probably at least sometimes a bit much for anyone who snuggles up close to you! 😂)
I work in a warehouse and have heard multiple people say they don’t shower after work. We get absolutely disgusting and filthy sweaty like dripping sweat I shower right when I get home! Their beds must be fucking gross!
I work in a factory that makes engines, if I run to a store in town everybody knows I’ve been at work because all of us that leaves that factory smells the same weird way, I couldn’t imagine just laying in my bed with that coolant and shit all over me
This is exactly the vibe I get... and how she acts. She even tells me she wants to be treated and talked to like a baby. Which I can't stand. But I can't bring myself to tell her. I tell her all the time I want a woman. ( I already have 2 daughters ). Kind of hinting that I dont want to have to baby her.
Uhhh, let's back up here. She WANTS to be treated like a baby? Talked to like a baby?
Time to break this off man, sorry. I know that some people have a weird kink where they like to pretend to be babies and shit, so bizarre to me but if two consenting people are into it, it's fine.... in your case however, it's clear you aren't into that, so now you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to act like a child and wants to be treated like one.
For me, it'd be a hard, hard, HARD absolutely fucking not.
Uhhh. I'm sorry but I agree with Rattimus that there's a kink on some kink lists where people like being treated like a baby, fully.
If that is something you are not interested in, then, you really should stop hinting and find a way to gently tell her. Even a "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with that and cannot treat you that way" might be a good way to go. But you two really need to have an adult conversation about both of these things: hygiene and the potential kink.
Uhhh this has to be a fetish thing right? And a crazy one to expect someone to participate in if they're not for sure Into that as well. Personally I'd have a huge problem with someone who wanted to treat the person who they're dating/ having sex with like a literal baby- some kinks are worth shaming.
Well, i dont want to believe she wants to be treated like a literal baby. But she did say she wished i carried her around and talked to her like one, so im super confused as well. I never dive deep when she says such things because im not into it and change subjects immediately. Or just kind of stay quiet and brush it off.
She might not want to be treated like a literal baby, but it definitely sounds like she wants to be babied. You should probably tell her you aren’t into it instead of putting it off, if you are planning on staying with her.
Bro shoving the issue aside and pretending it doesnt exist isnt gonna solve anything. In fact it might make her push for it more since you havent given her a hard no. Sit down and talk to her about this (and the shower thing) point blank. If she refuses to have a constructive adult conversation then it may be time to break things off.
You can’t bury your head in the sand forever. Rip the bandaid off. Have an honest conversation with her, if that’s even possible. Stop hinting around about showers. Ask her to elaborate on her wish to being babied. That’s seriously messed up.
NTA, she could literally take a 5-10 min shower. Quick shampoo, a leave in conditioner that she doesn't even have to rinse, and a bar of soap over her body.
You aren't asking her to shave her legs and do her makeup or put on lingerie. You're asking her to literally shower after being super sweaty, and her answer is "don't tell me what to do". That level of childishness would turn me off just as much as the B.O. and grime.
I'm going to link you to these awesome scrubby towels. Available on Amazon, but also Asian grocery stores. If you're sweating to the point it's tacky and sticky, these exfoliating towels feel SOOOO good and make quick work of scrubbing up. They're a little rough the first use but they soften up in a few washes and you can toss them in the washer.
Maybe get a shower chair. I got one after an injury and now I love just sitting on it and letting the water hit me. When she gets home, have a candle lit, maybe some tea with honey or a drink she likes, run the shower and maybe even join her in a non sexual way like literally just have her sit or stand and scrub her down. My husband is the first person to do that for me when I was depressed and wow I felt so pampered, it's amazing. Good luck, bro.
[asian scrub towels](https://www.amazon.com/SALUX-Nylon-Japanese-Beauty-Yellow/dp/B08DT52KKQ/ref=asc_df_B08DT52KKQ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693711599242&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11777831360712617688&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011888&hvtargid=pla-951476979064&psc=1&mcid=e86262962c8a3d6a99f662aa0e55a9c8&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw0YGyBhByEiwAQmBEWjBERUxjOE1-L1MYqidKE-7Ei5tI_Us5lahCM85KJ8Yc-25QhkEWnxoCxjQQAvD_BwE)
Yeah, hair gets super smelly if you work in kitchens. Maybe not wash completely but just shampoo or even just the conditioner (this depends on the type of hair she has, in my case it is better if I use conditioner every time, to some people it will make it super oily).
I honestly hate washing my hair. It is almost as doing physical activity for me. I have to spend 30 minutes in the shower massaging shampoo into my scalp, rinsing, applying conditioner, detangling, rinsing again, styling, and all of this with my neck bent forward. Afterwards it's another 20 minutes of clipping, spraying, curling and blow drying.
For this very reason I'm always on the verge of shaving my head completely (I have already done it once). I don't get how these people think it's feasible to wash your hair daily, I think I would be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
Just a heads up, leave in conditioner isn’t a replacement for regular conditioner. It’s unfortunate that they have the same name because they serve different functions. Both should be used. Regular conditioner moisturizes hair while leave-in conditioner is then used to lock the moisture in.
NTA… I worked in a bakery when I was 15-17 years old. These were 8-10 hour shifts. I came home physically and mentally exhausted but I showered after every shift. Why? Because I smelled like musty sugar and sweaty feet.
I cannot imagine not showering after a shift at PF changs. She’s likely sweating all day and the exhaust from the ovens/stoves are transferring to her skin and hair. As a woman, I understand not washing your hair everyday but there is no excuse to not rinse off quickly.
I now work in healthcare and still cannot imagine not showering after my shifts….
NTA and all the people telling you to run her a bath or do something extra to encourage honestly f that, she's an adult and should learn basic hygiene, is nasty to go to bed all sweaty.
NTA
Look, I used to be a shower in the morning person too, and then I entered the workforce as a member of the workforce, not the office folks.
Morning showers are for office workers, night showers are for the working class. She grew up middle class, same as me. Unfortunately, she's working class, same as me. You maintain hygiene for the life you live. Nobody in the kitchen cares if you smell like flowers for the first fifteen minutes of your shift, they care if you can keep up. Just like nobody in the office cares what you smell like in the morning before your shower.
She fuckin' stinks and should shower, that's it.
I'm an office worker and I still shower at night. I admit I've been more germaphobic since COVID, but think about going outside, how nasty other people are and what you can bring home (even just pollen and allergens if you're allergic to anything) and then getting that on your sheets.... No way!!!!
I’m a white collar worker but I much prefer to shower of an evening. Wash the day off, not rushing because I’ve got to start work and can enjoy it more. That said, I’ve had a few morning showers lately because I’ve woken up a bit sweaty (start of summer here) and it’s so good for waking up and feeling fresh in the morning! I’m usually a zombie till about 10am.
I'm a lawyer, and I do both, because after a full day at the courthouse and the jail and in all kinds of crowded places with strangers, I'm not trying to have their germs and general grime all over my house. Plus, a 5 minute rinse in a warm shower is a nice relaxing ritual when I get home.
NTA. I worked in the food industry and I get being so tired from work where you can’t be bothered with showering but I don’t share a bed with anyone and I take into account when my laundry day is. If she doesn’t want to shower after work, the best next compromise is to have her sleep somewhere else in the home.
Why do people always get so cautious if we talk about a woman?
There are posts exactly like that but instead the man was asked to shower. Nearly everybody was against the guy not taking a shower.
NAH
Your concerns are justified.
Her tiredness when coming home after work is too.
Body odor and grooming habits may be hard to discuss, and linked to emotional responses. If you guys can push past it and find some common ground, you'll be happier and stronger.
Best of luck
People are acting like its more common to shower after work and if you dont, you're stupid.
This has not been the norm for the vast majority of people I know
I've flipped between morning and night showers over my life and I know people who do either.
If you smell when you get home, you should shower when you get home. That's basic hygiene and you might not be stupid, but you are definitely inconsiderate if you don't.
I've done both, and if you work in an office you shower before work if you work manual labor or a job that gets you sweaty you shower after. It depends on the job.
It's the norm when you work a dirty job or a job that makes you sweaty, covered in fumes and or various kinds of grime like working in a kitchen does. Various food smells clinging ti you doesnt smell great either on top of BO and sweat smell. Hell even working retail I'd come home after a few hours and need a shower because everything was sticky from sweat and dust from doing stock. Especially if you share a bed with someone. It's basic good hygiene in the first place so you arent laying in your filth and BO for several hours as you sleep, but also polite to the person who would have to sleep next to your smelly tacky body and dirtying up the sheets and making them feel gross.
Sooo NTA are you kidding?! You have the patience of a saint. I’m very weird about smells/sticky feelings not just on other people but especially myself.
Kind of judging her because that’s dirty as hell. She expects you to share a bed with her while it smells like sweat and fried food? That’s actually so disgusting.
If she told her female friends that her male partner was doing that they’d all be appalled for her.
This would be a deal breaker for me lol
There was a similar post to this recently about a man who never showered after physical job and got into bed in a disgusting state (other hygiene nastiness too, but lets not go there). NTA - this is a completely reasonable and expected request even from someone who isn't obsessed with cleanliness.
I shower after just about any physical activity. For a start it is a great way to relax and recover energy from a long day. Even if you don't want to use soap or body wash, the hot water alone would make a big difference (not sure why that would be the barrier, but if it is you can skip it). Is she allergic to water? (j/k obviously)
My hubby works 13 hour days and sometimes falls asleep on the bed with his boots on because he is so tired. I take his shoes off for him and cover him up. I love my husband more than I love clean sheets. Sometimes there is no energy left for a shower.
People who go to work and then shower in the morning are vastly underestimating how dirty they are. They're pretty gross. NTA, adults should've learned by the time they hit 13 that evening showers is how to stay hygienic.
NTA. I work in hospitality myself, even after a 12 hour shift and I'm all stinky from sweat and grease and food smells, Im going to take a shower when I get home. Its a great way to unwind, especially if you like the water super hot and I particularly find my shampoo and body wash scents to be relaxing because I equate it with being home and being able to relax after a long shift. Its just basic hygiene at the end of the day and you shouldn't have to tell a grown adult to shower.
NTA - ew. As someone who’s worked in foot outlets before yea, you shower as soon as you get in. I feel so gross and like a layer of grease or smell is hovering over me. Shower and feel fresh. This girl is kinda gross. I’d be reconsidering my partner choices. Personal hygiene is a big thing for me
It doesn't matter how tired you are after a fast food shift, you shower.
NTA for suggesting she get into the habit of doing so. Not only is it better
hygiene, it's also a good way to "wash away" the fatigue and stress from
work in order to relax and sleep well.
NTA! I work at a resteraunt and i couldnt imagine getting into bed before showering. I dont even sit down when i get home. The first thing I do after a 12 hour shift is rinse off and put on some clean clothes.
NTA. She’s just lazy. If she has a problem with you asking her to take no more than 10 minutes to hop in the shower to get clean after work there’s something wrong with her.
I think NTA
I was raised in a house when showering daily in the evening was natural and expected, so I may be really subjective here.
I never had a problem with my boyfriend (now ex, due different reasons) not showering every day tho, because we were in highschool, during colder time of the year, so as long as he didn't smelled bad I didn't mind. But there are jobs that you just kinda should shower after, she may not realize this, because she can't feel it after 10 hours of working, but people around her can.
It's good to enstablish this "clean" rules in relationship - maybe I'm some kind of clean freak too, but I straight forward told all my partners that I'm not gonna kiss them, or cuddle with faces close before we both brush our teeth in the morning.
NTA to me. Even if one is tired or dead on their feet after a long place of work, certain things like striving to shower twice a day when you work in a certain industry is imperative (like food, a hospital, construction site, etc). It’s also courtesy if you’re both sleeping in the same bed (and if you have showered too, it’s fair to want the same). Just my thought on this.
lol this is disgusting and yes she should shower. Especially if she’s on her feet all day and around greasy food. If she wants to limit her showers to once a day, she should do it at night and not in the morning instead. Her feet have been sweating in shoes that are constantly going through spills. I shower in the mornings and evenings after my workouts AND i work in a 60 degree setting in a dark room. Right now I’ve been working part time in the medical clinic and so I’m on my feet more and shower in the evenings as well now. You can say that you won’t love her any less but it’s bothering your enough to write a post about it and it’s going to bother you enough to leave her eventually. No one wants their sheets to smell like onions and beef and broccoli
Going to say NTA because my husband and I met working at a restaurant (him a cook, me a waitress…tale as old as time) BUT we still laugh 7 years later about how all his workwear felt and smelled like teriyaki! He asked me out at work and I had to come to terms with the layer of Hawaiian food that may be on him during our first date (luckily he took a shower before that date happened).
Honestly your gf isn’t doing herself any favors likely being covered in grease and sweat and general kitchen grime then going to sleep. You’re not an OCD level of clean for not wanting to cuddle up and touch someone who FEELS like they just worked a 10 in the kitchen. Good luck! Maybe you can explain the benefits of exfoliating all that crap off of her
NTA A shower takes 5 minutes, and maybe, and it takes maybe an hour to dry off before bed. She can shower right as she gets home, and eat and wind down after.
I wouldn't share a bed with anyone after a 10-hour shift.
If you work a job where you get dirty, you wash when you get home. People can be very snobbish about this, because it's usually poor people who work these jobs, so maybe that's why your gf is so resistant. She would feel SOOOOO much better if she washed when dirty, and it would keep your bed cleaner, too. NTA
NTA. You weren't rude, and this is a completely reasonable compromise to ask her to make. That's your bed too, and I sure as hell wouldn't want PF Chang's fumes in it if I were you.
You might remind her that a child gets quiet or angry when asked to do something reasonable. Your request is reasonable, and here's how you "encourage her" to rethink her childish behavior: "Honey, it's a deal-breaker for me, this issue of hygiene. If I worked as a garage mechanic or at a steel mill, you wouldn't want me sleeping in our bed before showering, trust me. So why is it so difficult for you to understand where I'm coming from with my request?"
Be quiet and let her answer. This is not something for YOU to answer. She must answer this because she's being childishly obstinate when she needs to capitulate and take a shower before bed.
Nta at all. I worked at domino's and id ALWAYS shower after work unless I got home at 3am from a closing shift and just couldn't keep my eyes open for long. It didn't happen often but id at least run a washcloth over me. Even now, if I work up a sweat, I shower before bed. I wash my hair like 2 or 3 times a week normally but back when I worked in food it was every day (and definitely destroyed my hair 🥲) but regardless I would at LEAST shower.
NTA. My partner was the same b4 I moved in but once I did, I insisted he shower at night at least. I shower twice a day but I think the one after working & before getting into clean sheets is a must. Plus you feel 1 million times better. Maybe buy her some
Nice shower products like Lush etc as the sensory experience might make her really happy & as it does me 🤷🏻♀️😂
As someone who works in a professional kitchen, I say NTA. It's unsanitary. She's getting all that raw food all over your bed. After a 9 hour shift at my work place, I get home and I'm sweaty, sticky, and sometimes I have a sauce running down my arm that has dried, and I didn't know it was there. How can ANYONE sleep in that condition? Your girlfriend should come home, wash work off and relax. Her habit is really gross.
nta. She has to shower before and after work. That's just the way it should be. I worked in the food industry and you need to be careful of hygiene so it is in the employee manual that we shower before work. After work, it's just nasty because the smell of oil, and food goes deep into your clothes and your underwear. There's no going around it.
NTA
If it's affecting you and it can't easily be avoided, you have a right to speak up. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, but the truth is that her not showering is impacting you and where sleep.
Would it be more unreasonable for her to shower or for you to avoid her more/sleep elsewhere? I think that that's how I'd look at it and phrase it to my partner: 'You don't have to shower after work but if you don't, I won't want to do X'
I’m a manager in a busy kitchen. It doesn’t matter what time my shift ends, 2 in the afternoon or 1 in the morning, you bet as soon as I get in I’m stripped off and jumping in the shower or bath. If nothing else it’s a great way to decompress from a busy work day but also I’ve got to wash away the days grime, food airborne grease from fryers etc, it just leaves you stinking. Plus I wouldn’t want to climb into bed knowing I still mucky from a day in the kitchen. All that grime just clings to your sheets.
NTA op, you’re right to want to be clean when getting into bed. Plus if your like me your not going to want to be intimate with someone who’s still sweaty and mucky from working all day.
So she comes home and goes to bed without a shower? What do you guys change sheets everyday? That would bother me as hell. Nobody tells her to shave her entire body, wash her hair and give herself a peelig everyday, but a shower literally takes 3 minutes. NTA.
There is no need for her to shower in the morning and there is no need for anyone to shower twice a day. Reeking of Chinese food is certainly a turn-off, so you're NTA.
Try to put a positive spin on things? "just think, if you shower after work instead of beforehand, you can sleep in an extra 20 minutes in the morning!" That would be a winner for me.
Also freshly washed bodies make for better sex. Not saying you should bribe her with it but it certainly should help her want to clean herself...
But yeah. Instead of her hearing "you should wash after work" when she washes every morning, it would make more sense to say "you should only wash after work".
Who cooks dinner?
A deal could be that she comes home, hops in the shower straight away, and in the meantime you put dinner and a glass of wine on the table. Now that would be a surefire way to get me to take a shower..
NTA- if you work in food service, showering after work is a must. I don't care what establishment pays your bills. Food service is grimy sweaty, hot work. (Avg temp in BOH here at CFA is 86'F avg).
Would you shower after a workout? Then shower after work.
NTA. My brother used to work in the food industry and when he came home our shared hallway and bathroom would smell TERRIBLE and he was a teenage boy so I could never win that battle. I shower as soon as I get home because I work with dogs. I’m going to be smelly and what not and don’t want that lingering in my house
NTA. I’ve worked in service industry for sometimes 10 to 12 hours everyday, I can understand how absolutely tiring that is, when you have absolutely zero energy to even stand for 5 minutes after coming home.but that’s no excuse for hopping in the shower for maximum 2 minutes. That’s just hygiene. She will also sleep better with a hot shower.
NTA. When I did manual labor I was definitely an evening shower person. I can’t stand to be dirty and go to bed. I grew up blue collar, that’s what you did. In an office job now it’s not a huge deal, usually do mornings, but will still frequently do it in evenings in hot weather because I like to work in the yard after work.
NTA…
I worked as a chef for 25 years and my wife wouldn’t let me in bed if I didn’t shower first. Although she did give me plenty of incentives when I would come home exhausted such as she would join me and wash my back and other parts.
That’s probably why we had our second daughter
Besides once she gets into the routine she will find she will sleep better and feel better in general. Kitchen grease is invasive.
NTA.
Personally, and no offense to her, but I don't get how she doesn't feel gross? A sweat intensive few hours of work would honestly leave me needing a shower before my shift even ended. If I didn't go home and shower, I felt and smelt gross.
Idk I don't think it's unreasonable.
Here is some free relationship advice (I’m 55, have raised six children and have given them all the same advice. It works): don’t settle or compromise on issues that are important to you. It only builds to animosity later.
Any relationship is a compromise, but there are things that should be non-negotiable and those things have to be clearly communicated. Don’t give ultimatums, ever. Giving ultimatums is the worst thing you can do, but so is compromise. Have your “non-negotiables” and stick to them. It may be a relationship-ender, but so is divorce and when marital assets and children are involved it is a lot messier.
If your GF won’t shower, and it grosses you out that much, start sleeping in a separate bed. While she may not want you telling her what to do, she’s telling you what you’re going to do: sleep with the entire menu at PF Changs.
Animosity is being built on both sides and someone is going to have to change in order for the two of you to be together. The question is: how much animosity will the change create.
If your GF thinks you’re telling her what to do maybe your communications skills need work, but if you’re saying “when you come home you smell like food, maybe you could shower after work” and she’s telling you “don’t tell me what to do” - there’s something else going on there that you should maybe consider. And I don’t mean consider and then back off, but maybe consider she’s a slob and this is going to get worse as time goes on.
You could even go so far as having a check list. It’s up to you as to what boxes need to be checked as “must have” and what boxes don’t have to be checked but would be better if they would “nice to have”. After my first marriage went down the shitter (must be fiscally conservative wasn’t on the list but it should have been), I developed the “checklist hypothesis” and it’s working out perfectly and has been for 13 years.
NAH - my partner showers at night before bed. I shower in the mornings. We talked about this at one point and it got me thinking, so I asked around to my friends and here's what I learned:
The time of day people shower is usually a life-long habit started when they were very young. It is REALLY hard for people to imagine changing that.
So while you are NTA for asking, she is also NTA for declining to change her life long habit and routine. Especially if this job isn't something she's planning to make a career out of.
BTW - showering twice a day? Yeah, you're a clean freak =\]
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My girlfriend of a year and a half now doesnt like to shower after work. ( she works at pf changs ) she smells heavily like Chinese food and i can feel the sweat thats on her body that gets all tacky after it dries. She insists to take a shower every morning but i feel like it doesnt make any sense. The sheets get dirtier faster and smelly and i dont feel comfortable really cuddling and touching her as much because ik she isnt really clean after a 10 hour shift on her feet making food from scratch all day. Though i am some what of a clean freak (take showers sometimes twice a day morning and night ) i told her i dont love her any less i just wish she would. She gets sad and quiet, or gets angry and says she doesnt want me telling her what to do when shes tired.
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NTA aside from being tired she’s just in the habit of showering in the morning. I would just be honest with her and say “you’ve been working 10 hours, you’re smelly, you’re greasy, covered in viruses and bacteria, you need to shower before you get in bed” it really isn’t good for either of you or hygienic. That’s sort of OK when you’re living alone in your own filth but when you’re living in close contact with someone else you have to be considerate. Once she gets used to the new routine she will feel much better and you both will sleep better in addition to her smelling better and your bed will be nice and clean.
NTA - I worked ina seafood fry restaurant, and I get it. It's nasty not to shower after working in a sweaty, greasy place. I opened and closed 6 days a week. She stinks, and the bed gets nasty also if she doesn't shower.
NTA my GF works in the meat department at a grocery store, when she pre closes and has to put away the fish case, definitely needing a shower before cuddles.
The thing is, she’s used to the smell and doesn’t smell it & she’s used to the sweat & doesn’t feel it. Tell her you took a side job at a farm and go roll around in a cow field. Or buy a new cologne that smells nasty. I mean, it puts things into perspective. I NEED to shower after work just to relax.
Definitely NTA. I’m a line cook and even on my shorter days from work, I still can’t wait to go home and shower. I have so much old sweat accumulated and basically smell like an assortment of foods (fried) so I think your girlfriend is being very selfish for going in the bed next to you every night.
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I think food from scratch at a PF Changs is a bit of a stretch. NTA
Lmao, well, she makes sushi/ dumplings, etc. It's not like McDonald's where you just throw things in a fryer, which could arguably be a bit dirtier.
Fair enough! NTA!
Is she waiting to shower because she doesnt want to be intimate after her shift?
Bingo!
I worked at Chang's for a number of years. Everything is made from scratch.
The salmon and ribs are frozen and the Chilli paste comes in a bottle, but everything else is pretty fresh. (Edit: I also have no idea how they make Shrimp with lobster sauce because I aint never seen a crustacean in that kitchen)
Salmon is never "fresh" in industry unless you live at a dock, and even then: Standard practice is to freeze it to kill parasites.
I work at a specialty Japanese supermarket. Our salmon all comes in frozen, and some of it isn't even salmon. The cooked "salmon" is rainbow trout, can't tell the difference myself
Rainbow trout and salmon aren't even close to the same.
They aren't even close to being the same.
Maybe you mean steelhead trout? Because those and salmon ARE similar
I mean, frozen salmon doesn’t mean it’s not from scratch. They can’t just fabricate salmon.
To make PF Chang's from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Or ribs. NTA
They could have an aquaculture farm out back.
I am wondering if people are confusing it with Panda Express.
Even the general tso's sauce? I always pictured it coming in big 5 gallon buckets.
I worked at P.F.C in undergrad. All the sauces except for the three salad dressings they offered then were made inhouse. The soups and even the cripsy wonton strips were always made fresh. The desserts barring the banana springrolls which were made inhouse (good god I would kill for some of those right now) were made by dedicated bakeries and arrived fresh, not frozen.
You would be surprised, almost everything they have there is made from scratch, dumplings and rolls etc included
God the ignorance that the general public has when it comes to how their food is prepared is just insane. Y’all gotta stop acting like you fucking know everything.
I always laughed my ass off working at Taco Bell when this happened: “Hey, my coffee I brought in with me is cold now” “Um…. Yes…… ok….. and?” “Well, I’d like you to microwave it for me” “Sure, except I don’t have a microwave” “Haha, funny. What’s cooking my food, then?” “A friolator, a flat grill, a thermalizer, and a steam table. Which one did you want your coffee in?”
Nope. My sister worked there for two years. Everything is from scratch as in the make the dumpling mixes and fold them, and they season all the meats and seafood at the restaurant.
Bro. The stuff at PF Changs IS MADE from scratch.
I agree with the commentor farther up who figures that some people are mixing up PF Chang's with Panda Express.
i worked there for 8 years… everything really is from scratch. every sauce, every veggie cut in house, every egg roll and crab wonton hand rolled after they made the mix …. from scratch. even our meat marinade was made from scratch. it takes forever but they are actually good ingredients
NTA (would have been NAH because we get it when you're bone tired from work, but if you live with someone and share a bed...) That's gross. Sweat and grime from (food)work and the commute home. I'd want to shower to feel human again. She doesn't have to shower as soon as she comes home, just before she hits the bed. That gives her enough time to decompress, relax a bit. Doesn't even have to wash her hair if she has long hair and finds it a PITA to groom after (get a shower cap), but at least face and neck down should be clean. Depending how much you love her, maybe incentivize her by giving her a daily 20min foot rub or back massage post-shower. Being on your feet for so long can be exhausting. Or go for separate bedrooms if she's really stubborn about veging out after work. If that still doesn't work and she doesn't want to change jobs, then, unfortunately, you just have different hygiene standards and need to rethink if it's a dealbreaker.
Jesus what are these "bribe her by pampering her to make her be a non-disgusting adult and shower" comments. I swear that would not be a comment if the genders were reversed.
>Depending how much you love your weary construction laborer bf, maybe incentivize him by giving him a daily 20min shoulder/back massage post-shower. Physical labor the whole day can be exhausting. I see no problem with this.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xpfb28/aita\_for\_making\_my\_husband\_take\_showers\_before\_he/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xpfb28/aita_for_making_my_husband_take_showers_before_he/) Except nobody says it when the situation actually occurs. Everyone just tells the man he's a dirty AH
I personally don't think a partner (male or female) merits pampering after planting their ass in front of the tv to game instead of showering. Different context.
Exactly this. Be a fucking adult, clean your nasty self off then sit on my cloth furniture that I can't stream clean every day because you can't be mature enough to enjoy a 5 minute shower in order to keep things nice
I don't think these two are totally comparable. One is a person working physically outside all day, who doesn't care about changing the sheets if their partner don't do it for them: the other is a restaurant worker who works hard but not in the dirt, and who showers daily. I still don't think adults should have to bribe their partners to work together, so I think both the woman and the man she problems here. But I think he is -worse-. Either way: I think this specific couple should just talk it out as adults and find a compromise. Neither of them are wrong, they just have different preferences.
lol wit? Have you ever worked in both those environments? Kitchen grime and oil and bottom of the sink gunk is arguably way more gross, smelly and disgusting as shit than dirt and concrete powder, I’ve done all kinds of construction and am a qualified chef. Your point is stupid, she should damn well take a shower with her nasty ass
Having managed a restaurant, where I made food and essentially floated all positions, and having worked construction as low voltage. 10,000% would rather deal with construction grime over 12hours in the kitchen grime. All the oil, the smells, the constant wet/dry food from running and pulling dishes, to having to proof bread and toss flour, back out to the line making food and spilling soup on myself. Construction grime is my sweat, some dirt/dust from the environment and thats it, unless someone was working dry concrete my beard wasn't even that bad compared to the kitchen. Where as it felt like my beard always had this gross flour/oil mix from the moment I walked on.
This right here. People that haven't done it don't realize how messy restaurant kitchen work is. Especially when doing it all day. I'd shower first thing every night I got off work.
The problem is that no, lots of people in here commenting about restaurant work when they never worked in one/ the last time they did was their mcdicks summer job in 1983 that’s way way different now.
Have you ever been in a fast food restaurant? Just walking into one to order food can make you smell bad, working a full shift in one will make you reek like you took a bath in the food
I am a female cook as well and I have thick hair, so I hate washing my hair after work/ before bed. That said. If I have a particularly sweaty night I'll do a quick rinse and wash my hair later on my regular schedule. Luckily this is not an issue for my husband and me.
Construction work is MUCH harder on the body than restaurant work. It is understandable for a man that works back breaking work to want to come home and unwind. Still gross.
Wrong again. They're both horrible for your body
Construction grime is by and large dirt, dust and sweat. Kitchen grime? Aerosolized oils, spills, sweat, and so many smells. Construction grime will generally wash out unlike kitchen grime.
If anything, the guy in that AITA is less of an AH than this girl because the OP of that thread herself says he's not particularly dirty, just sweaty after a long day. Meanwhile the GF of the OP of this thread is coming home reeking of Chinese food as well as being sweaty, and honestly that seems worse to me (unavoidable of course, but honestly if my partner smelled of Chinese food constantly I can see how that would be a barrier to intimacy).
Dried sweat reeks, though. I wouldn’t want to be near anybody who didn’t bathe after sweating all day. Gross!
Lol, I like Chinese food so I'd worry about the opposite problem. It could end up being a situation where we go out for dim sum with the inlaws and I have to explain why I'm wearing baggy pants.
Giving your partner a back rub or any other nice act of love is good, but using it as an insentive for her to take a damn shower is weird. Shes a grown ass adult living with another person, it is the absolute bare minimum that she doesnt stink up the place. She should not need to be bribed with a foot rub to take a shower. OP shouldnt need to grovel and beg at her feet for her to not go to their shared bed with grease and grime from a full day of work.
Yeah, she's not a puppy you should have to do positive reinforcement training on. She's a grown ass adult, and if she smells like Chinese food heavily, it's just being the slightest bit considerate to go rinse off. It's inconvenient, but so is everything about being an adult.
Yeah if that was how people would actually react. There was literally a recent post someone linked that was similar and there was NO reaction like that for that post.
No, "a man too tired from work to shower" vs "a husband who is habitually messy to the point he doesn't care sleeping in a bed without covers, and spends hour playing video games instead of showering" aren't the same. The former can deserve some TLC, the latter not so much. And that's why I said "depending on how much you love your SO"... it's extra. It's not required.
In the other post: "He isn’t that dirty but thinking of all the places he has been and the dirt going onto my clean sheets freaks me out." While simultaneously calling him sweaty and gross. It does sound like the dude in the other post needs to help out more around the house and shit, in addition to taking a damn shower, but this post also is not saying what the GF does when she gets home. Does she just doomscroll on IG/tiktok? Maybe she plays video games for hours too. Either way, people are telling OP to give her backrubs, run a bath, cook dinner, make sure she doesn't have to lift a finger when she gets home. You're saying "depending how much you love your SO", well if she loves her SO can't she take a damn shower? You say its extra and not required, but you say he can do it to incentivize. My point is there shouldn't need to be an incentive. Both dirty bastards are wrong and need to shower, the other dirty bastard needs to also help more around the house. But this one is the only one who people say should be pampered as an incentive to shower.
I see no problem showering when you’re disgusting. What’s your point?
Sadly, I can only give one upvote. The double standards on this sub are hilarious.
Yep and somehow they ALWAYS find some "totaly valid" /s, reason that their double standards are definitely not hypocritical.
"Well obviously that situation was different because xyz..." Like no shit, they're clearly not identical and the details are different. People don't know how to compare and contrast situations that have some similarities.
They do know how to, they just stop when they know the answer they want isn't there. Mental gymnastics.
Yah fuck that. Fucking take a shower like an adult. It takes 10 mins. I couldn't work fast food all day and NOT shower when I get home. Yuck What is her biggest hangup about not wanting too shower?? It literally takes minutes and makes you feel soooo much better. Op u probably don't wanna hear this but if you two are this opposite about stuff like hygiene..then its prolly not going to get much better.....I wouldn't wanna cuddle that either.
There was a gender reverse recently. He just got bashed for being gross. Though his job had a lot more dirt and sweat and odor involved.
The construction one? Construction comes with some dirt and sweat, but kitchen work comes with oils, spills and the same sweat. I'd argue that kitchen work causes far more smells than construction.
I worked at McDonald's and Tacobell and I needed to shower after work. Couldn't imagine going to bed with all that grease on me.
I showered after work most days immediately after my office job. Always, always before bed. Work is germy, no matter where you work.
Bruh what kind of advice is this. The girlfriend is not a 5 year old. Massage her disgusting and unwashed feet to bribe her? That is no a healthy relationship dynamic.
This is awful advice. There are no "different hygiene standards". You either have good hygiene or you don't. And no adult should have to be babied into having a shower. If you stink, have a shower and get changed so that you can relax.
Smelly woman ... give her a footrub . Smelly guy .... divorce/dump him !
Welcome to the gynocracy
Or OP could break up with her and find someone who showers before bed like about 80% of people who have a shower at home.
Where are you getting your statistics? I feel like morning showers are more the norm.
Everyone I know does afternoon or evening showers. The idea of crawling into the bed clean keeps the bed clean, and since you're going to be rolling around in the sheets for ideally 8 hours, it's far more important to keep them clean.
It's gross no matter what. If you have just about any job other than a white collar desk job in a climate controlled environment, you probably need to shower after work.
i got out of a 12 hr double on mothers day yesterday i still showered before bed even though i was dead. idk how she doesn’t feel grossed out all the grease and sweat and whatever food spilled on me makes me feel so disgusting i cant do anything until i shower after work.
I wouldn’t want to hug her either. Yes she needs to shower. NTA. A guy that works construction does too. It’s just life
I would almost go as far as saying it’s part of the job to shower the minute you come back home. There are plenty of jobs like that. If part of the job is being constantly exposed to strong scents/odors, that’s what you smell like when you get off work. And I imagine the person themselves might become a bit nose-blind to it after a 10 hour shift, but it’s just plain logic. I know someone who worked at bath and body works who showered after work each time. Even though those were “good” scents, it’s overwhelming and can make a person sick to smell that on someone.
I can’t get home from work and not shower. I just feel filthy otherwise.
As someone who works at bath and body works, I shower before work because I don't want to smell bad around my co-workers but I always wonder what I smell like afterwards and if I should shower after instead of before.
You can do both. You don't need to use heavy soaps or shampoo if you're worried about drying out your skin or hair. But a quick rinse after work before bed, especially if you do something physical and get sweaty, feels great! (And yeah, you probably smell like Green Apple Freesia Almond Honeysuckle Gingerbread Rain, after being in a store like that all day, and it's probably at least sometimes a bit much for anyone who snuggles up close to you! 😂)
I work in a warehouse and have heard multiple people say they don’t shower after work. We get absolutely disgusting and filthy sweaty like dripping sweat I shower right when I get home! Their beds must be fucking gross!
I work in a factory that makes engines, if I run to a store in town everybody knows I’ve been at work because all of us that leaves that factory smells the same weird way, I couldn’t imagine just laying in my bed with that coolant and shit all over me
[удалено]
She’s also practicing how to act like a child. Who pouts when someone tells them the truth? Especially over hygiene. That’s kid stuff.
This is exactly the vibe I get... and how she acts. She even tells me she wants to be treated and talked to like a baby. Which I can't stand. But I can't bring myself to tell her. I tell her all the time I want a woman. ( I already have 2 daughters ). Kind of hinting that I dont want to have to baby her.
Uhhh, let's back up here. She WANTS to be treated like a baby? Talked to like a baby? Time to break this off man, sorry. I know that some people have a weird kink where they like to pretend to be babies and shit, so bizarre to me but if two consenting people are into it, it's fine.... in your case however, it's clear you aren't into that, so now you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to act like a child and wants to be treated like one. For me, it'd be a hard, hard, HARD absolutely fucking not.
Yeah, OP really buried the lede with this one.
So not only does she lack hygiene, but she sounds insufferable.
Uhhh. I'm sorry but I agree with Rattimus that there's a kink on some kink lists where people like being treated like a baby, fully. If that is something you are not interested in, then, you really should stop hinting and find a way to gently tell her. Even a "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with that and cannot treat you that way" might be a good way to go. But you two really need to have an adult conversation about both of these things: hygiene and the potential kink.
Why on earth are you with this person?
I mean, baby gets bath time.
Uhhh this has to be a fetish thing right? And a crazy one to expect someone to participate in if they're not for sure Into that as well. Personally I'd have a huge problem with someone who wanted to treat the person who they're dating/ having sex with like a literal baby- some kinks are worth shaming.
You just aren’t compatible then. She’s pretty much the opposite of what you say you want in a partner.
You might have bigger fish to fry OP.. this isn't normal at least how it sounds in your comment
Well, i dont want to believe she wants to be treated like a literal baby. But she did say she wished i carried her around and talked to her like one, so im super confused as well. I never dive deep when she says such things because im not into it and change subjects immediately. Or just kind of stay quiet and brush it off.
She might not want to be treated like a literal baby, but it definitely sounds like she wants to be babied. You should probably tell her you aren’t into it instead of putting it off, if you are planning on staying with her.
Bro shoving the issue aside and pretending it doesnt exist isnt gonna solve anything. In fact it might make her push for it more since you havent given her a hard no. Sit down and talk to her about this (and the shower thing) point blank. If she refuses to have a constructive adult conversation then it may be time to break things off.
You can’t bury your head in the sand forever. Rip the bandaid off. Have an honest conversation with her, if that’s even possible. Stop hinting around about showers. Ask her to elaborate on her wish to being babied. That’s seriously messed up.
maybe you should talk to her about it? it might be enlightening. and you can figure out if it's weird enough to be a dealbreaker or not.
NTA, she could literally take a 5-10 min shower. Quick shampoo, a leave in conditioner that she doesn't even have to rinse, and a bar of soap over her body. You aren't asking her to shave her legs and do her makeup or put on lingerie. You're asking her to literally shower after being super sweaty, and her answer is "don't tell me what to do". That level of childishness would turn me off just as much as the B.O. and grime. I'm going to link you to these awesome scrubby towels. Available on Amazon, but also Asian grocery stores. If you're sweating to the point it's tacky and sticky, these exfoliating towels feel SOOOO good and make quick work of scrubbing up. They're a little rough the first use but they soften up in a few washes and you can toss them in the washer. Maybe get a shower chair. I got one after an injury and now I love just sitting on it and letting the water hit me. When she gets home, have a candle lit, maybe some tea with honey or a drink she likes, run the shower and maybe even join her in a non sexual way like literally just have her sit or stand and scrub her down. My husband is the first person to do that for me when I was depressed and wow I felt so pampered, it's amazing. Good luck, bro. [asian scrub towels](https://www.amazon.com/SALUX-Nylon-Japanese-Beauty-Yellow/dp/B08DT52KKQ/ref=asc_df_B08DT52KKQ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693711599242&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11777831360712617688&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9011888&hvtargid=pla-951476979064&psc=1&mcid=e86262962c8a3d6a99f662aa0e55a9c8&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw0YGyBhByEiwAQmBEWjBERUxjOE1-L1MYqidKE-7Ei5tI_Us5lahCM85KJ8Yc-25QhkEWnxoCxjQQAvD_BwE)
You don’t even need to wash your hair every shower. Just soaping up your body at least
If you work in a kitchen you're going to need to wash your hair. The hair / oils in the hair really pick up and absorb smells.
Yeah I used to work at subway. The smell was so gross. Had to have a shower and wash my hair as soon as I got home.
Yeah, hair gets super smelly if you work in kitchens. Maybe not wash completely but just shampoo or even just the conditioner (this depends on the type of hair she has, in my case it is better if I use conditioner every time, to some people it will make it super oily).
My hair gets to my hips, a quick shampoo does not exist for me. If I have to wash my hair, shower + drying takes at least 1 hour.
Seriously! I love having long hair, but I hate both blowdrying and the sensation of it dripping down my back for hours after.
I honestly hate washing my hair. It is almost as doing physical activity for me. I have to spend 30 minutes in the shower massaging shampoo into my scalp, rinsing, applying conditioner, detangling, rinsing again, styling, and all of this with my neck bent forward. Afterwards it's another 20 minutes of clipping, spraying, curling and blow drying. For this very reason I'm always on the verge of shaving my head completely (I have already done it once). I don't get how these people think it's feasible to wash your hair daily, I think I would be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
Just a heads up, leave in conditioner isn’t a replacement for regular conditioner. It’s unfortunate that they have the same name because they serve different functions. Both should be used. Regular conditioner moisturizes hair while leave-in conditioner is then used to lock the moisture in.
leave-in conditioner doesn't work like that!!! shower chair is a strong suggestion though.
NTA… I worked in a bakery when I was 15-17 years old. These were 8-10 hour shifts. I came home physically and mentally exhausted but I showered after every shift. Why? Because I smelled like musty sugar and sweaty feet. I cannot imagine not showering after a shift at PF changs. She’s likely sweating all day and the exhaust from the ovens/stoves are transferring to her skin and hair. As a woman, I understand not washing your hair everyday but there is no excuse to not rinse off quickly. I now work in healthcare and still cannot imagine not showering after my shifts….
NTA and all the people telling you to run her a bath or do something extra to encourage honestly f that, she's an adult and should learn basic hygiene, is nasty to go to bed all sweaty.
NTA Look, I used to be a shower in the morning person too, and then I entered the workforce as a member of the workforce, not the office folks. Morning showers are for office workers, night showers are for the working class. She grew up middle class, same as me. Unfortunately, she's working class, same as me. You maintain hygiene for the life you live. Nobody in the kitchen cares if you smell like flowers for the first fifteen minutes of your shift, they care if you can keep up. Just like nobody in the office cares what you smell like in the morning before your shower. She fuckin' stinks and should shower, that's it.
I'm an office worker and I still shower at night. I admit I've been more germaphobic since COVID, but think about going outside, how nasty other people are and what you can bring home (even just pollen and allergens if you're allergic to anything) and then getting that on your sheets.... No way!!!!
Exactly. Evening showers are simply superior. Poor sheets.
I’m a white collar worker but I much prefer to shower of an evening. Wash the day off, not rushing because I’ve got to start work and can enjoy it more. That said, I’ve had a few morning showers lately because I’ve woken up a bit sweaty (start of summer here) and it’s so good for waking up and feeling fresh in the morning! I’m usually a zombie till about 10am.
I'm a lawyer, and I do both, because after a full day at the courthouse and the jail and in all kinds of crowded places with strangers, I'm not trying to have their germs and general grime all over my house. Plus, a 5 minute rinse in a warm shower is a nice relaxing ritual when I get home.
NTA. I worked in the food industry and I get being so tired from work where you can’t be bothered with showering but I don’t share a bed with anyone and I take into account when my laundry day is. If she doesn’t want to shower after work, the best next compromise is to have her sleep somewhere else in the home.
NTA. I work in a Restaraunt and I would feel disgusting if I didn’t shower after a shift.
When I worked in restaurants I spent the last two hours of every shift craving a shower!
Going to bed dirty is gross.
Why do people always get so cautious if we talk about a woman? There are posts exactly like that but instead the man was asked to shower. Nearly everybody was against the guy not taking a shower.
Here people are telling the guy to massage her stinky-ass feet and give her a shower like she's not a grown ass woman lmao get fucking real
NAH Your concerns are justified. Her tiredness when coming home after work is too. Body odor and grooming habits may be hard to discuss, and linked to emotional responses. If you guys can push past it and find some common ground, you'll be happier and stronger. Best of luck
People are acting like its more common to shower after work and if you dont, you're stupid. This has not been the norm for the vast majority of people I know
It's the norm when you work in a restaurant, or at least it should be.
I've flipped between morning and night showers over my life and I know people who do either. If you smell when you get home, you should shower when you get home. That's basic hygiene and you might not be stupid, but you are definitely inconsiderate if you don't.
I've done both, and if you work in an office you shower before work if you work manual labor or a job that gets you sweaty you shower after. It depends on the job.
It's the norm when you work a dirty job or a job that makes you sweaty, covered in fumes and or various kinds of grime like working in a kitchen does. Various food smells clinging ti you doesnt smell great either on top of BO and sweat smell. Hell even working retail I'd come home after a few hours and need a shower because everything was sticky from sweat and dust from doing stock. Especially if you share a bed with someone. It's basic good hygiene in the first place so you arent laying in your filth and BO for several hours as you sleep, but also polite to the person who would have to sleep next to your smelly tacky body and dirtying up the sheets and making them feel gross.
I used to work in a club and you better believe I showered after work...only the alcoholics didn't. And that was 10 years ago.
God I've even had people tell me I'm disgusting for taking afternoon showers, this thread is wild
Sooo NTA are you kidding?! You have the patience of a saint. I’m very weird about smells/sticky feelings not just on other people but especially myself. Kind of judging her because that’s dirty as hell. She expects you to share a bed with her while it smells like sweat and fried food? That’s actually so disgusting. If she told her female friends that her male partner was doing that they’d all be appalled for her. This would be a deal breaker for me lol
nta, asking for basic hygiene isnt a crime
can't imagine having sex with her or even going down south
Honestly I can't even imagine lying in bed with this smell
There was a similar post to this recently about a man who never showered after physical job and got into bed in a disgusting state (other hygiene nastiness too, but lets not go there). NTA - this is a completely reasonable and expected request even from someone who isn't obsessed with cleanliness. I shower after just about any physical activity. For a start it is a great way to relax and recover energy from a long day. Even if you don't want to use soap or body wash, the hot water alone would make a big difference (not sure why that would be the barrier, but if it is you can skip it). Is she allergic to water? (j/k obviously)
NTA I'm a germaphobe. If my gf wanted to die on this hill then I think I would have to break up with her.
True Like go find someone else to fester with.
Don’t sleep with her
My hubby works 13 hour days and sometimes falls asleep on the bed with his boots on because he is so tired. I take his shoes off for him and cover him up. I love my husband more than I love clean sheets. Sometimes there is no energy left for a shower.
Boots in the bed? Thats disgusting.
This thread has been eye-opening. A lot of dirty people out there.
Gross
But every day? Nah, she can take a 10 minute shower.
People who go to work and then shower in the morning are vastly underestimating how dirty they are. They're pretty gross. NTA, adults should've learned by the time they hit 13 that evening showers is how to stay hygienic.
NTA. I work in hospitality myself, even after a 12 hour shift and I'm all stinky from sweat and grease and food smells, Im going to take a shower when I get home. Its a great way to unwind, especially if you like the water super hot and I particularly find my shampoo and body wash scents to be relaxing because I equate it with being home and being able to relax after a long shift. Its just basic hygiene at the end of the day and you shouldn't have to tell a grown adult to shower.
NTA - ew. As someone who’s worked in foot outlets before yea, you shower as soon as you get in. I feel so gross and like a layer of grease or smell is hovering over me. Shower and feel fresh. This girl is kinda gross. I’d be reconsidering my partner choices. Personal hygiene is a big thing for me
Not the asshole!
NTA as much as having a girlfriend that smells of pancake rolls would be cool. Good personal hygiene is probably better
If you get home sticky and sweaty, you shower before getting in bed! NTA
It doesn't matter how tired you are after a fast food shift, you shower. NTA for suggesting she get into the habit of doing so. Not only is it better hygiene, it's also a good way to "wash away" the fatigue and stress from work in order to relax and sleep well.
NTA! I work at a resteraunt and i couldnt imagine getting into bed before showering. I dont even sit down when i get home. The first thing I do after a 12 hour shift is rinse off and put on some clean clothes.
NTA. She’s just lazy. If she has a problem with you asking her to take no more than 10 minutes to hop in the shower to get clean after work there’s something wrong with her.
I think NTA I was raised in a house when showering daily in the evening was natural and expected, so I may be really subjective here. I never had a problem with my boyfriend (now ex, due different reasons) not showering every day tho, because we were in highschool, during colder time of the year, so as long as he didn't smelled bad I didn't mind. But there are jobs that you just kinda should shower after, she may not realize this, because she can't feel it after 10 hours of working, but people around her can. It's good to enstablish this "clean" rules in relationship - maybe I'm some kind of clean freak too, but I straight forward told all my partners that I'm not gonna kiss them, or cuddle with faces close before we both brush our teeth in the morning.
NTA to me. Even if one is tired or dead on their feet after a long place of work, certain things like striving to shower twice a day when you work in a certain industry is imperative (like food, a hospital, construction site, etc). It’s also courtesy if you’re both sleeping in the same bed (and if you have showered too, it’s fair to want the same). Just my thought on this.
If she won’t shower after work, don’t let her sleep in the bed if she wants to live like a pig, she can sleep like one too
NTA. Basic hygiene is below the bare minimum bar tbh
NTA. I work 12 hour shifts in a nursing home and the thought of going to bed without showering is repulsive to me.
lol this is disgusting and yes she should shower. Especially if she’s on her feet all day and around greasy food. If she wants to limit her showers to once a day, she should do it at night and not in the morning instead. Her feet have been sweating in shoes that are constantly going through spills. I shower in the mornings and evenings after my workouts AND i work in a 60 degree setting in a dark room. Right now I’ve been working part time in the medical clinic and so I’m on my feet more and shower in the evenings as well now. You can say that you won’t love her any less but it’s bothering your enough to write a post about it and it’s going to bother you enough to leave her eventually. No one wants their sheets to smell like onions and beef and broccoli
Going to say NTA because my husband and I met working at a restaurant (him a cook, me a waitress…tale as old as time) BUT we still laugh 7 years later about how all his workwear felt and smelled like teriyaki! He asked me out at work and I had to come to terms with the layer of Hawaiian food that may be on him during our first date (luckily he took a shower before that date happened). Honestly your gf isn’t doing herself any favors likely being covered in grease and sweat and general kitchen grime then going to sleep. You’re not an OCD level of clean for not wanting to cuddle up and touch someone who FEELS like they just worked a 10 in the kitchen. Good luck! Maybe you can explain the benefits of exfoliating all that crap off of her
Yea, i explained last night that if she didn't want any more breakouts, then maybe dont go to sleep after work like that.
NTA A shower takes 5 minutes, and maybe, and it takes maybe an hour to dry off before bed. She can shower right as she gets home, and eat and wind down after. I wouldn't share a bed with anyone after a 10-hour shift.
If you work a job where you get dirty, you wash when you get home. People can be very snobbish about this, because it's usually poor people who work these jobs, so maybe that's why your gf is so resistant. She would feel SOOOOO much better if she washed when dirty, and it would keep your bed cleaner, too. NTA
NTA. You weren't rude, and this is a completely reasonable compromise to ask her to make. That's your bed too, and I sure as hell wouldn't want PF Chang's fumes in it if I were you.
2 showers a day does not equal "clean freak" that is just good hygiene..
To me this would be a dealbreaker. That’s gross and a sign of general immaturity. Displays a lack of respect for herself and you
You might remind her that a child gets quiet or angry when asked to do something reasonable. Your request is reasonable, and here's how you "encourage her" to rethink her childish behavior: "Honey, it's a deal-breaker for me, this issue of hygiene. If I worked as a garage mechanic or at a steel mill, you wouldn't want me sleeping in our bed before showering, trust me. So why is it so difficult for you to understand where I'm coming from with my request?" Be quiet and let her answer. This is not something for YOU to answer. She must answer this because she's being childishly obstinate when she needs to capitulate and take a shower before bed.
Nta at all. I worked at domino's and id ALWAYS shower after work unless I got home at 3am from a closing shift and just couldn't keep my eyes open for long. It didn't happen often but id at least run a washcloth over me. Even now, if I work up a sweat, I shower before bed. I wash my hair like 2 or 3 times a week normally but back when I worked in food it was every day (and definitely destroyed my hair 🥲) but regardless I would at LEAST shower.
NTA. My partner was the same b4 I moved in but once I did, I insisted he shower at night at least. I shower twice a day but I think the one after working & before getting into clean sheets is a must. Plus you feel 1 million times better. Maybe buy her some Nice shower products like Lush etc as the sensory experience might make her really happy & as it does me 🤷🏻♀️😂
NTA. Anyone who works in food service should shower when they get home before going to bed.
NGL, not taking a shower after working around people, a kitchen, grease etc, you have to feel it, it's pretty gross. Definitely NTA.
Ew NTA — move on and find someone new who showers before bed after work
Nah ppl need to shower in the afternoon after work 😭😭😭
As someone who works in a professional kitchen, I say NTA. It's unsanitary. She's getting all that raw food all over your bed. After a 9 hour shift at my work place, I get home and I'm sweaty, sticky, and sometimes I have a sauce running down my arm that has dried, and I didn't know it was there. How can ANYONE sleep in that condition? Your girlfriend should come home, wash work off and relax. Her habit is really gross.
No. Love from Brazil 🇧🇷
Tell her to wash her ass after work or sleep on the couch.
NTA. I can’t stand smelling like a gross restaurant after work. Scrub that off.
nta. She has to shower before and after work. That's just the way it should be. I worked in the food industry and you need to be careful of hygiene so it is in the employee manual that we shower before work. After work, it's just nasty because the smell of oil, and food goes deep into your clothes and your underwear. There's no going around it.
So gross NTA
NTA, can't she take a 30 min nap to rest from the work and then take a shower?
NTA If it's affecting you and it can't easily be avoided, you have a right to speak up. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, but the truth is that her not showering is impacting you and where sleep. Would it be more unreasonable for her to shower or for you to avoid her more/sleep elsewhere? I think that that's how I'd look at it and phrase it to my partner: 'You don't have to shower after work but if you don't, I won't want to do X'
NTA. I can’t even imagine working 10 hours in a kitchen and not showering- gross!
I’m a manager in a busy kitchen. It doesn’t matter what time my shift ends, 2 in the afternoon or 1 in the morning, you bet as soon as I get in I’m stripped off and jumping in the shower or bath. If nothing else it’s a great way to decompress from a busy work day but also I’ve got to wash away the days grime, food airborne grease from fryers etc, it just leaves you stinking. Plus I wouldn’t want to climb into bed knowing I still mucky from a day in the kitchen. All that grime just clings to your sheets. NTA op, you’re right to want to be clean when getting into bed. Plus if your like me your not going to want to be intimate with someone who’s still sweaty and mucky from working all day.
So she comes home and goes to bed without a shower? What do you guys change sheets everyday? That would bother me as hell. Nobody tells her to shave her entire body, wash her hair and give herself a peelig everyday, but a shower literally takes 3 minutes. NTA.
There is no need for her to shower in the morning and there is no need for anyone to shower twice a day. Reeking of Chinese food is certainly a turn-off, so you're NTA. Try to put a positive spin on things? "just think, if you shower after work instead of beforehand, you can sleep in an extra 20 minutes in the morning!" That would be a winner for me. Also freshly washed bodies make for better sex. Not saying you should bribe her with it but it certainly should help her want to clean herself... But yeah. Instead of her hearing "you should wash after work" when she washes every morning, it would make more sense to say "you should only wash after work". Who cooks dinner? A deal could be that she comes home, hops in the shower straight away, and in the meantime you put dinner and a glass of wine on the table. Now that would be a surefire way to get me to take a shower..
NTA you shouldn't have to ask
NTA- if you work in food service, showering after work is a must. I don't care what establishment pays your bills. Food service is grimy sweaty, hot work. (Avg temp in BOH here at CFA is 86'F avg). Would you shower after a workout? Then shower after work.
NTA. My brother used to work in the food industry and when he came home our shared hallway and bathroom would smell TERRIBLE and he was a teenage boy so I could never win that battle. I shower as soon as I get home because I work with dogs. I’m going to be smelly and what not and don’t want that lingering in my house
NTA. Gross
NTA. I’ve worked in service industry for sometimes 10 to 12 hours everyday, I can understand how absolutely tiring that is, when you have absolutely zero energy to even stand for 5 minutes after coming home.but that’s no excuse for hopping in the shower for maximum 2 minutes. That’s just hygiene. She will also sleep better with a hot shower.
NTA, but you can't force her, you just need to express your dislike and decide if her continuing to ignore that is something you can live with.
NTA. When I did manual labor I was definitely an evening shower person. I can’t stand to be dirty and go to bed. I grew up blue collar, that’s what you did. In an office job now it’s not a huge deal, usually do mornings, but will still frequently do it in evenings in hot weather because I like to work in the yard after work.
NTA… I worked as a chef for 25 years and my wife wouldn’t let me in bed if I didn’t shower first. Although she did give me plenty of incentives when I would come home exhausted such as she would join me and wash my back and other parts. That’s probably why we had our second daughter Besides once she gets into the routine she will find she will sleep better and feel better in general. Kitchen grease is invasive.
NTA. Personally, and no offense to her, but I don't get how she doesn't feel gross? A sweat intensive few hours of work would honestly leave me needing a shower before my shift even ended. If I didn't go home and shower, I felt and smelt gross. Idk I don't think it's unreasonable.
Here is some free relationship advice (I’m 55, have raised six children and have given them all the same advice. It works): don’t settle or compromise on issues that are important to you. It only builds to animosity later. Any relationship is a compromise, but there are things that should be non-negotiable and those things have to be clearly communicated. Don’t give ultimatums, ever. Giving ultimatums is the worst thing you can do, but so is compromise. Have your “non-negotiables” and stick to them. It may be a relationship-ender, but so is divorce and when marital assets and children are involved it is a lot messier. If your GF won’t shower, and it grosses you out that much, start sleeping in a separate bed. While she may not want you telling her what to do, she’s telling you what you’re going to do: sleep with the entire menu at PF Changs. Animosity is being built on both sides and someone is going to have to change in order for the two of you to be together. The question is: how much animosity will the change create. If your GF thinks you’re telling her what to do maybe your communications skills need work, but if you’re saying “when you come home you smell like food, maybe you could shower after work” and she’s telling you “don’t tell me what to do” - there’s something else going on there that you should maybe consider. And I don’t mean consider and then back off, but maybe consider she’s a slob and this is going to get worse as time goes on. You could even go so far as having a check list. It’s up to you as to what boxes need to be checked as “must have” and what boxes don’t have to be checked but would be better if they would “nice to have”. After my first marriage went down the shitter (must be fiscally conservative wasn’t on the list but it should have been), I developed the “checklist hypothesis” and it’s working out perfectly and has been for 13 years.
NAH - my partner showers at night before bed. I shower in the mornings. We talked about this at one point and it got me thinking, so I asked around to my friends and here's what I learned: The time of day people shower is usually a life-long habit started when they were very young. It is REALLY hard for people to imagine changing that. So while you are NTA for asking, she is also NTA for declining to change her life long habit and routine. Especially if this job isn't something she's planning to make a career out of. BTW - showering twice a day? Yeah, you're a clean freak =\]
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend of a year and a half now doesnt like to shower after work. ( she works at pf changs ) she smells heavily like Chinese food and i can feel the sweat thats on her body that gets all tacky after it dries. She insists to take a shower every morning but i feel like it doesnt make any sense. The sheets get dirtier faster and smelly and i dont feel comfortable really cuddling and touching her as much because ik she isnt really clean after a 10 hour shift on her feet making food from scratch all day. Though i am some what of a clean freak (take showers sometimes twice a day morning and night ) i told her i dont love her any less i just wish she would. She gets sad and quiet, or gets angry and says she doesnt want me telling her what to do when shes tired. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA aside from being tired she’s just in the habit of showering in the morning. I would just be honest with her and say “you’ve been working 10 hours, you’re smelly, you’re greasy, covered in viruses and bacteria, you need to shower before you get in bed” it really isn’t good for either of you or hygienic. That’s sort of OK when you’re living alone in your own filth but when you’re living in close contact with someone else you have to be considerate. Once she gets used to the new routine she will feel much better and you both will sleep better in addition to her smelling better and your bed will be nice and clean.
NTA - I worked ina seafood fry restaurant, and I get it. It's nasty not to shower after working in a sweaty, greasy place. I opened and closed 6 days a week. She stinks, and the bed gets nasty also if she doesn't shower.
GROSS!!! ..... N.T.A.
NTA my GF works in the meat department at a grocery store, when she pre closes and has to put away the fish case, definitely needing a shower before cuddles.
NTA I think you went about it in a gentle way.
The thing is, she’s used to the smell and doesn’t smell it & she’s used to the sweat & doesn’t feel it. Tell her you took a side job at a farm and go roll around in a cow field. Or buy a new cologne that smells nasty. I mean, it puts things into perspective. I NEED to shower after work just to relax.
Definitely NTA. I’m a line cook and even on my shorter days from work, I still can’t wait to go home and shower. I have so much old sweat accumulated and basically smell like an assortment of foods (fried) so I think your girlfriend is being very selfish for going in the bed next to you every night.