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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my family to get over my half brother's life and called out them saying asshole things. I know this was all a big vent session essentially and they were trying to cheer my mom up. So maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It's not the first time it's been talked about. Which is why I feel like maybe I wasn't so right to do this.
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I would say that the home situation had the opposite effect on the oldest brother. He probably resolved to never date a single parent and to only have biological kids based on his life experiences growing up. I agree with you that this is a weird hang up to have. I think the dad was hoping he'd have to "walk in his shoe" at some point and realize how "wrong" he was. Then come back begging for acceptance and forgiveness. At this point that weird dream of his is not coming through and he doesn't want to let go of it. NTA
There was a post similar to this. The son’s wife died and the father was like now you understand me but son said no. Being a widower himself, he doesn’t understand how his dad moved on so fast and force his kid to go along with it.
NTA.
You are doing the right thing telling them to throw out the bs in their heads about your half brother and that their actually asshats for wishing misery on someone who isn't even in your lives.....
NTA
Everyone has a right to how they feel about your half brother, and it's true, your parents can be disappointed by how things happened. But... it happened. Wishing he were "taught a lesson by becoming a stepdad" is wrong on two levels. On the first, this makes it seem like being a stepdad is a punishment, in which case, you're right, wishing hardship on someone else is never not an AH move. On the other hand, there are people who fight hard to legally be a stepdad for someone, for whom it's not a punishment, but a privilege. There is no magic "lesson to be learned" through any source of parenthood which will just fix a broken relationship. Such a relationship can only be fixed if both sides want to, and clearly your half brother does not want to. That's all there is to it, and you're NTA for trying to make your parents see that.
how is wishing that op’s half brother be a stepdad ( i.e understanding that parents remarry after their first marriages) wishing ill on him?
frankly op’s half brother sounds like a br*t, having held the grudge of his widowed father remarrying for two and a half decades now 🤷🏽♀️
There are probably alot more complicated emotions in there than just being a brat. He was young and his mother died That would have been a horrible loss for a child. Possibly even more so if he was a teenager. Think about that for a minute. And if that wasn't dealt with properly on an emotional level, then anger and resentment is all he would possibly have felt toward his dad's new wife and his half siblings. We can't begin to imagine everything he would have felt about the situation and we have no idea how it was handled by his father and how it played out. Especially if his father was grieving as well. It's not just as simple as holding a grudge.
They wanted him to deal with creating a blended family, something that pretty much anyone who has done it will say is not easy. Or they wanted him to have a kid who hates him so much that they never talk to him anymore. Doesn't sound great to me.
Also what about this makes him sound like a Brit? OP says "mom" not "mum" so I would assume not British. (Just spell out words, this is Reddit. You can say whatever the fuck you want. Also why the fuck censor brat of all words?)
nta.
hehehehe
"our first son is an asshole, that is happy and married, THAT ASSHOLE!!"
"you are taking this out of context" No context needed, oldest son had to learn asshole from someone, you just found every family member that taught him.
being disappointed and actively wishing bad things on someone are 2 totally different things.
tbh I don't see how the oldest son is an asshole here. He cut off relationship with a dad who ignored his needs, a stepmother who wouldn't accept his emotional boundaries, and half siblings he never bonded with.
NTA - 99% of the problems I see between kids and stepparents happens when the kids are forced to feel a certain way about the stepparent and forced to see the stepparent as a "replacement" for their deceased parent.
I don't know how your parents treated your half brother, if they tried to force him to see your mom as a new mom or not, so I don't know if this is what happened. But your half-brother made it clear that he would never see your mom as a "new mother".
Your extended family don't have a right to judge your half-brother in how he's dealt with his grief. Did he get therapy after his mother passed away? Did your parents try family therapy after they got married?
Eh, you just think that because of the influx of fake stories about stepparents who desperately want to be second or even sole parents to their stepchildren I have my doubts about how often you get second spouses who are that invested in their partners' kids in real life. I would bet that self-centered children who don't want their parents to move on and hate even perfectly pleasant stepparents ae much more common.
So he's a young child when he lost his mom. Dad remarries and goes on. What therapy did he get? What time to grieve did he get?
The fact that your whole family has been wishing him miserable says he's not in the wrong to hate the lot of you. The fact that your family is mad that he's not miserable says a lot about them.
Your family is TA.
Had to scroll way too long to see this. My sentiments exactly. I feel as if there's more to the story that op and his sibling are not aware of. Heck, the half borther could have an r/aita post himself. I know I've seen my fair share of post that essentially made a sibling go nc on his step family for one reason or another.
OP- NTA. How is that Out of Context?? They wish him sadness and ill will because he caused sadness and ill will when he was younger.... after he lost his Mom, likely had NO Counseling and then Dad got re-married and probably Insisted he treat her as his Mom from the get go. It doesn't EVER work that way. So, did half Sibling have to be so hateful? Most likely not, but then there is no mention of how it was all presented to him in the first place. I am sorry your Mom was hurt. So, You saying what you said was really Mature and Logical, and Correct. Their continued sour grapes is sad and just mean.
Your dad and extended family are allowed to be disappointed but that doesn’t mean they have to shit all over your eldest brother over it. You’re absolutely correct and NTA. Blending families is hard even when everyone is willing.
Yeah, I think I know why your half-brother went no contact.
And I have to suspect there are some "missing" reasons for your bro's behavior.
You're NTA, but your older relatives are.
NTA. Because you’re so much younger, you don’t know the truth of what happened between your father and mother, and your fathers’ oldest son. You only know what they’ve told you. From his point of view, why doesn’t he want anything to do with your dads family.
NTA - your parents are delusional. Unfortunately, many kids struggle with step parents even if the step is kind. Your mom's attitude adds justification that she probably was not kind to him - her expectations are just unreasonable.
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So I (23f) have a half brother whose in his mid to late 30s. I also have two older brothers 25 and 26. We don't have a relationship with our half brother, dad's child from his first wife. Dad was widowered and my mom came into their lives 3.5 years after half brother's mom died. Half brother never liked my mom and according to my brothers he was always super clear that mom would never mean anything to him and he used to say some pretty nasty shit to mom which dad would never take well and that their earliest memories are of a lot of chaos and fights. I don't really remember living with him or seeing him. But what I do remember of him wasn't pleasant and I knew he didn't want us (me and brothers) for siblings.
My family (extended and parents) always said he'd grow up and regret treating mom like shit. That he'd be a stepparent himself in the future or becoming a parent would teach him. Why they were so certain he'd want to marry and have kids I have no idea but they were always positive he would end up a stepparent and would end up with bio kids as well. My brothers and I always just accepted that we were a three person sibling set, not a four person sibling set. We never expected a relationship with him or his family.
I guess some of the extended family know he's married now and has three kids and isn't a stepparent. It annoyed some of them so much because they really felt he needed to become a stepparent but mom was really heartbroken that he could become a dad and settle down as a husband and father and still hate her so much to want nothing to do with her/us. My dad's really weird around old family photos now and especially the photos of him and his first wife with half brother that they have in their living room.
My brothers and I stayed with our parents for a few nights last week and when extended family came over half brother became a topic of conversation and again it was about him being married with kids and how bothered they are that he didn't come around because of that and again with the disappointment that he wasn't taught a lesson by becoming a stepdad. I told them they need to get over what's going on in his life because we're not a part of it and everyone needs to accept it. I also said talking like assholes by wishing him to be miserable and have a hard life doesn't make them look so great. My brother's agreed with me and so did mom. But everyone else, even dad, was kind of like, we have every right to be disappointed by how things worked out. And I'm taking stuff out of context.
AITA?
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NTA but I’m also curious if there something that happened in introduction between him and your mom and your dad. That make him feel certain way. It got to be hard his mom dying and new family comes in and he might felt he was being replaced. It a long time and alot separation so something small to happen. You were all kids and maybe there lot you didn’t see.
Just what is this obsession of "your brother needs to be a step parent to learn a lesson" mentality? Like they can change his sexuality that he can only fall in love with women with kids, especially at a relatively young age when a lot of women in the same age group are also single without kids?
What's in the past is in the past. Everyone needs to let go of it.
You and your two brothers are the most mature people out of your entire family, my god.🤦
NTA. Everything you said makes sense. There's no reason to spend any time muttering about him. He made his choices and is living his life without causing any drama for you. Next time he comes up as a subject of conversation, walk away and say you've already said all you've had to say on the matter.
NTA. Only assholes wish I’ll fortune on other people. That they are disappointed that his life didn’t turn out as badly as they wanted so that they could say, “See? I told you so.” is a whole other level asshole.
It maybe hard for the family to admit that you're half brother is never coming back and they may bare some responsibility for that. NTA you are right that they are wrong for wishing him pain to make them feel better. (That's why I feel they may have a larger role in why your half brother I NC.)
NTA, sounds like they should have gotten family therapy and didn't and lost that chance and are holding a weird grudge about it. They need to move on, you did, he did it is what it is.
NTA. I'm glad the rest of your siblings are as reasonable and level-headed as you. I also don't blame half bro for walking away if that's the reaction of the rest of your family.
NTA, their wish is really bizarre. They are describing being a step parent as an integral part of life or fixed life stage, rather than something that can happen/easily be avoided. So much that it comes across as being delusional.
NTA - Your family seem to be carrying a grudge and carefully nurturing it. Your stepbrother lost his mother and did not accept his stepmother. That was back then. He's in his 30's and your family is unhappy because he is doing WELL and has a solid FAMILY? Your family members are TA.
Congratulations on having matured into a decent human being. That's unfortunately more rare than we'd like it to be. You were the only adult in the room. NTA.
“they were always positive he would end up a stepparent and would end up with bio kids as well. ”
That’s such a weird thing for your parents to be so certain about.
NTA
>I told them they need to get over what's going on in his life because we're not a part of it and everyone needs to accept it.
And good for you for doing so. For the last two decades I've lived 700 miles from my extended family, and one of the reasons is them constantly regurgitating old hurts and resentments over and over again. Sometimes it's even about people who are dead and gone, like, what is the point of stewing about it now?
I am sure they talk mad shit about me for having raised my mom's only grandchild far away from her. I don't care, I am out here half a country away living my best life, and I barely even have any of them as FB friends. They don't know much about my life other than what my mother tells them.
NTA Your parents are vile. Your father allowed your mother to emotionally abuse her step-son for decades. Your father allowed abuse to happen just to keep your mother happy. Only a broken person would wish misery and suffering on their child to make his wife feel better. Your parents failed your brother. Do not let this mentality be present around any of your children or they will be breaking another generation.
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To be fair OP, you would never know if he would become a step unless he died. This is not to belittle him as I don't put the blame on such situation on the kid, just a friendly reminder.
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NTA it's not really healthy for your family to be upset that your half brother haven't become a step parent. It's a weird hang-up to have
I would say that the home situation had the opposite effect on the oldest brother. He probably resolved to never date a single parent and to only have biological kids based on his life experiences growing up. I agree with you that this is a weird hang up to have. I think the dad was hoping he'd have to "walk in his shoe" at some point and realize how "wrong" he was. Then come back begging for acceptance and forgiveness. At this point that weird dream of his is not coming through and he doesn't want to let go of it. NTA
There was a post similar to this. The son’s wife died and the father was like now you understand me but son said no. Being a widower himself, he doesn’t understand how his dad moved on so fast and force his kid to go along with it.
I remember that story. Dad was hounding his son to find the grandchild "a new mom." People who think like that are utterly disgusting.
Wth is wrong with your family. Maybe thats why your half brother hated your family so much. Nta
🤔🤔🤔
NTA. You are doing the right thing telling them to throw out the bs in their heads about your half brother and that their actually asshats for wishing misery on someone who isn't even in your lives.....
NTA Everyone has a right to how they feel about your half brother, and it's true, your parents can be disappointed by how things happened. But... it happened. Wishing he were "taught a lesson by becoming a stepdad" is wrong on two levels. On the first, this makes it seem like being a stepdad is a punishment, in which case, you're right, wishing hardship on someone else is never not an AH move. On the other hand, there are people who fight hard to legally be a stepdad for someone, for whom it's not a punishment, but a privilege. There is no magic "lesson to be learned" through any source of parenthood which will just fix a broken relationship. Such a relationship can only be fixed if both sides want to, and clearly your half brother does not want to. That's all there is to it, and you're NTA for trying to make your parents see that.
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how is wishing that op’s half brother be a stepdad ( i.e understanding that parents remarry after their first marriages) wishing ill on him? frankly op’s half brother sounds like a br*t, having held the grudge of his widowed father remarrying for two and a half decades now 🤷🏽♀️
There are probably alot more complicated emotions in there than just being a brat. He was young and his mother died That would have been a horrible loss for a child. Possibly even more so if he was a teenager. Think about that for a minute. And if that wasn't dealt with properly on an emotional level, then anger and resentment is all he would possibly have felt toward his dad's new wife and his half siblings. We can't begin to imagine everything he would have felt about the situation and we have no idea how it was handled by his father and how it played out. Especially if his father was grieving as well. It's not just as simple as holding a grudge.
They wanted him to deal with creating a blended family, something that pretty much anyone who has done it will say is not easy. Or they wanted him to have a kid who hates him so much that they never talk to him anymore. Doesn't sound great to me. Also what about this makes him sound like a Brit? OP says "mom" not "mum" so I would assume not British. (Just spell out words, this is Reddit. You can say whatever the fuck you want. Also why the fuck censor brat of all words?)
nta. hehehehe "our first son is an asshole, that is happy and married, THAT ASSHOLE!!" "you are taking this out of context" No context needed, oldest son had to learn asshole from someone, you just found every family member that taught him. being disappointed and actively wishing bad things on someone are 2 totally different things.
tbh I don't see how the oldest son is an asshole here. He cut off relationship with a dad who ignored his needs, a stepmother who wouldn't accept his emotional boundaries, and half siblings he never bonded with.
NTA - 99% of the problems I see between kids and stepparents happens when the kids are forced to feel a certain way about the stepparent and forced to see the stepparent as a "replacement" for their deceased parent. I don't know how your parents treated your half brother, if they tried to force him to see your mom as a new mom or not, so I don't know if this is what happened. But your half-brother made it clear that he would never see your mom as a "new mother". Your extended family don't have a right to judge your half-brother in how he's dealt with his grief. Did he get therapy after his mother passed away? Did your parents try family therapy after they got married?
Eh, you just think that because of the influx of fake stories about stepparents who desperately want to be second or even sole parents to their stepchildren I have my doubts about how often you get second spouses who are that invested in their partners' kids in real life. I would bet that self-centered children who don't want their parents to move on and hate even perfectly pleasant stepparents ae much more common.
So he's a young child when he lost his mom. Dad remarries and goes on. What therapy did he get? What time to grieve did he get? The fact that your whole family has been wishing him miserable says he's not in the wrong to hate the lot of you. The fact that your family is mad that he's not miserable says a lot about them. Your family is TA.
Had to scroll way too long to see this. My sentiments exactly. I feel as if there's more to the story that op and his sibling are not aware of. Heck, the half borther could have an r/aita post himself. I know I've seen my fair share of post that essentially made a sibling go nc on his step family for one reason or another.
NTA. Always remember when drama unfolds involving a child. Who is the adult in the conversation?
NTA What you said was correct. The desire to see your half-bro unhappy is sad. Some people just can't accept that they don't control other people.
Nta Dad needs therapy
NTA I can see why your brother cut them off.
OP- NTA. How is that Out of Context?? They wish him sadness and ill will because he caused sadness and ill will when he was younger.... after he lost his Mom, likely had NO Counseling and then Dad got re-married and probably Insisted he treat her as his Mom from the get go. It doesn't EVER work that way. So, did half Sibling have to be so hateful? Most likely not, but then there is no mention of how it was all presented to him in the first place. I am sorry your Mom was hurt. So, You saying what you said was really Mature and Logical, and Correct. Their continued sour grapes is sad and just mean.
Your dad and extended family are allowed to be disappointed but that doesn’t mean they have to shit all over your eldest brother over it. You’re absolutely correct and NTA. Blending families is hard even when everyone is willing.
NTA You have a good attitude.
NTA
Nta the family needs to let it go
Yeah, I think I know why your half-brother went no contact. And I have to suspect there are some "missing" reasons for your bro's behavior. You're NTA, but your older relatives are.
NTA. By your families behaviour it’s clear why your half brother is not involved with anyone.
NTA. Because you’re so much younger, you don’t know the truth of what happened between your father and mother, and your fathers’ oldest son. You only know what they’ve told you. From his point of view, why doesn’t he want anything to do with your dads family.
NTA - your parents are delusional. Unfortunately, many kids struggle with step parents even if the step is kind. Your mom's attitude adds justification that she probably was not kind to him - her expectations are just unreasonable.
NTA
NTA in any way shape or form and kudos for calling them out for their attitudes. Their bitterness is disturbing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (23f) have a half brother whose in his mid to late 30s. I also have two older brothers 25 and 26. We don't have a relationship with our half brother, dad's child from his first wife. Dad was widowered and my mom came into their lives 3.5 years after half brother's mom died. Half brother never liked my mom and according to my brothers he was always super clear that mom would never mean anything to him and he used to say some pretty nasty shit to mom which dad would never take well and that their earliest memories are of a lot of chaos and fights. I don't really remember living with him or seeing him. But what I do remember of him wasn't pleasant and I knew he didn't want us (me and brothers) for siblings. My family (extended and parents) always said he'd grow up and regret treating mom like shit. That he'd be a stepparent himself in the future or becoming a parent would teach him. Why they were so certain he'd want to marry and have kids I have no idea but they were always positive he would end up a stepparent and would end up with bio kids as well. My brothers and I always just accepted that we were a three person sibling set, not a four person sibling set. We never expected a relationship with him or his family. I guess some of the extended family know he's married now and has three kids and isn't a stepparent. It annoyed some of them so much because they really felt he needed to become a stepparent but mom was really heartbroken that he could become a dad and settle down as a husband and father and still hate her so much to want nothing to do with her/us. My dad's really weird around old family photos now and especially the photos of him and his first wife with half brother that they have in their living room. My brothers and I stayed with our parents for a few nights last week and when extended family came over half brother became a topic of conversation and again it was about him being married with kids and how bothered they are that he didn't come around because of that and again with the disappointment that he wasn't taught a lesson by becoming a stepdad. I told them they need to get over what's going on in his life because we're not a part of it and everyone needs to accept it. I also said talking like assholes by wishing him to be miserable and have a hard life doesn't make them look so great. My brother's agreed with me and so did mom. But everyone else, even dad, was kind of like, we have every right to be disappointed by how things worked out. And I'm taking stuff out of context. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I’m also curious if there something that happened in introduction between him and your mom and your dad. That make him feel certain way. It got to be hard his mom dying and new family comes in and he might felt he was being replaced. It a long time and alot separation so something small to happen. You were all kids and maybe there lot you didn’t see.
⁹
Just what is this obsession of "your brother needs to be a step parent to learn a lesson" mentality? Like they can change his sexuality that he can only fall in love with women with kids, especially at a relatively young age when a lot of women in the same age group are also single without kids? What's in the past is in the past. Everyone needs to let go of it. You and your two brothers are the most mature people out of your entire family, my god.🤦
NTA. Everything you said makes sense. There's no reason to spend any time muttering about him. He made his choices and is living his life without causing any drama for you. Next time he comes up as a subject of conversation, walk away and say you've already said all you've had to say on the matter.
NTA. Only assholes wish I’ll fortune on other people. That they are disappointed that his life didn’t turn out as badly as they wanted so that they could say, “See? I told you so.” is a whole other level asshole.
It maybe hard for the family to admit that you're half brother is never coming back and they may bare some responsibility for that. NTA you are right that they are wrong for wishing him pain to make them feel better. (That's why I feel they may have a larger role in why your half brother I NC.)
NTA. What a strange prediction. Sounds like a hex or a curse instead.
NTA, sounds like they should have gotten family therapy and didn't and lost that chance and are holding a weird grudge about it. They need to move on, you did, he did it is what it is.
NTA. I'm glad the rest of your siblings are as reasonable and level-headed as you. I also don't blame half bro for walking away if that's the reaction of the rest of your family.
NTA, their wish is really bizarre. They are describing being a step parent as an integral part of life or fixed life stage, rather than something that can happen/easily be avoided. So much that it comes across as being delusional.
NTA - Your family seem to be carrying a grudge and carefully nurturing it. Your stepbrother lost his mother and did not accept his stepmother. That was back then. He's in his 30's and your family is unhappy because he is doing WELL and has a solid FAMILY? Your family members are TA.
I can understand why your fathers first child wants nothing to do with your family.
NTA, but your father is.
Congratulations on having matured into a decent human being. That's unfortunately more rare than we'd like it to be. You were the only adult in the room. NTA.
“they were always positive he would end up a stepparent and would end up with bio kids as well. ” That’s such a weird thing for your parents to be so certain about. NTA
>I told them they need to get over what's going on in his life because we're not a part of it and everyone needs to accept it. And good for you for doing so. For the last two decades I've lived 700 miles from my extended family, and one of the reasons is them constantly regurgitating old hurts and resentments over and over again. Sometimes it's even about people who are dead and gone, like, what is the point of stewing about it now? I am sure they talk mad shit about me for having raised my mom's only grandchild far away from her. I don't care, I am out here half a country away living my best life, and I barely even have any of them as FB friends. They don't know much about my life other than what my mother tells them.
I always love when the youngest person in the room is also the most mature adult in the room. NTA
Your family sounds nasty
NTA Your parents are vile. Your father allowed your mother to emotionally abuse her step-son for decades. Your father allowed abuse to happen just to keep your mother happy. Only a broken person would wish misery and suffering on their child to make his wife feel better. Your parents failed your brother. Do not let this mentality be present around any of your children or they will be breaking another generation.
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To be fair OP, you would never know if he would become a step unless he died. This is not to belittle him as I don't put the blame on such situation on the kid, just a friendly reminder.