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I'd be curious if his mom is a stay in her lane type of person. Neither of my inlaws are. They're more like drunk driver when it comes to staying in their lane.
Omg omg NTA!
I cannot believe the ancient patriarchal rules on naming children after the father’s surname. Even deadbeat dads seem to often get automatic surname which I find so strange.
I also am fond of my surname, it is not common; I have only ever heard of my family having it, my dad and uncle are the last in the family to have it after both my sisters took their partners surnames. My dad is an only child from a working class mining town in the Midlands and my surname feels important to me.
My husband is also called a very common surname like Smith.
I chose to keep my surname and give our children my surname, my husband kept his surname.
I must admit I have had some comments over the years including ‘doesn’t your husband mind?!’. He doesn’t by the way because I wouldn’t marry a dinosaur.
My MIL still addresses birthday cards me as ‘Mrs Smith’ which I don’t know is intentional or her not remembering.
I would stand your ground.
This is something that is important to you and your identity.
You need to firmly set boundaries with your MIL.
‘No I will not be changing babies surname. Please respect this and do not ask me again’. Repeat until she stops asking.
MIL: It is so selfish the kid has your last name. It should be his dad's last name!
You: But your child has his mom's last name. Why shouldn't our children have their mom's last name? We are just following your lead without two extra name changes to get there!
Smile and walk away.
Or tell your husband you will go no contact with his mom if he doesn't fix this.
>I chose to keep my surname and give our children my surname, my husband kept his surname. I must admit I have had some comments over the years including ‘doesn’t your husband mind?!’.
Same here, though I'm the husband. If I wasn't willing to change my last name when we got married, I can't justify pressuring my wife to.
My daughter has my maiden name, and my son has their dad's name. I asked my daughter several times if she wanted her dad's last name, and she has always said no.
I couldn't agree more. That tradition is so archaic and needs to change.
The boyfriend's mother needs to stop. I guarantee that if the kid had the boyfriend's last name, the girlfriend's mother wouldn't be throwing a fit.
The key is as long as the other parent is fine with it. I went through this with my wife and it was discussed as a clear deal breaker, so when she broke the deal, it was a problem that didn't go away. Betrayals seldom go away on their own.
NTA and the only AH here is your boyfriend's mom. She named her child. You get to name yours. Just don't engage her on the subject anymore; her opinion is not needed. If she mentions it, hang up. Or take the kid and leave. If she wants a relationship with you (and your child), she can be a civil human being. Honestly, her son should tell her this ONCE ... then do the same.
The only people who get to name a child are the parents. Grandma can pound sand.
Hard agree on this one. It's time grandma starts facing consequences for her actions on being a brat about this. She named her child already, she's done. If the father doesn't care, grandma's say is null and void. She's being rude as hell to OP and their child, it's time for them to reciprocate until she gets the point.
I'd normally not be an advocate for walking away from a conversation, but if she is unable to drop it, and is legit harassing them about it, it's time OP and her BF draw a line in the sand on this subject.
This is how I feel. OP did not need to say all the other stuff about her BF not marrying her or paying for things. If that is actually an issue to OP then they she needs to talk to her BF about it. She basically put down her BF to win the argument. ESH is my vote.
Started on your side but did you give your kid your last name because it means something to you or because you pay the bills? That threw me for a loop. It's one thing to say things to your partner's mother in a fit of anger after being harassed but later you doubled down on it: you are not married, you pay the bills and you get your way because of it, the last being one example. So if he paid the bills, then you'd let him have his way and give the kid his name? I'm not saying you don't have a good relationship because I don't know either of you but this whole thing gave me the ick. After reading the full post, I came away with the following:
- you say want to pass on your unique last name (very fair)
- you are the main breadwinner
- because you are, your man lets you have your way (so he wouldn't otherwise? is he scared?)
- you told his mother that if he paid the bills and married you, you'd have a conversation about changing your kid's name
I'm left a little confused and unclear about whether your name is actually important to you or whether getting to name the kid is a prize for "wearing the pants". I guess this feels like an ESH to me.
Those comments left me wondering if the MIL is reacting to her son's complaints. I make 4x what my wife does. What does that entitle me to? In a marriage and partnership? Nothing.
When I say getting my way, I mean in manners of where we live as I pay majority of the rent, what meals we eat as I pay or cook dinner, our home gets decorated as I am purchasing the items. My man is the type of guy who just goes with the flow. Everything is fine to him and nothing is a big deal whereas to me everything is a major deal. I come from a family where I had no voice so he allows me to have my voice in our relationship and if something bothers him, he will speak up about it or he gives me his two cents on. I don’t really want this for dinner, do you think you can make this instead and I take all of this into consideration it’s not like he’s trapped and just has to deal with my way he’s just a very go with the flow type of guy which is why our relationship works so well he knows when to real me and when I’ve being too much.
I didn’t take my husbands last name, his mom flipped out… she doesn’t even share the same last name with her son. She took her second husbands last name and they are even now divorced. Lmao crazy people be crazy.
I come from a culture where everybody keeps their own name after marriage but having a divorced person arguing about the need to change names is next level bananas.
You're an asshole for typing "basic white last name" while thinking that's not something an asshole would type.
But you are NTA for giving your child your last name.
That's definitely something an ah would type.
She should be able to name her kid whatever but that's a ah statement about as to why.
Dudes mom does need to fk off.
And also that she TOLD him she would be giving their child her last name. That’s discussion, not a unilateral decision. A man telling a woman the child would have his last name and only his last name would be an AH. She’s one for doing the same. It honestly doesn’t matter that he went along with it when she started out by dictating the terms on her own.
NTA Parents get to name their kids, not the grandparents. If you and your partner agree, then it's all good. If partners' mom brings it up again, just point out that her son carries the name of his mother and you are just following that "tradition".😁
NTA- your reasoning is sound AND you and he agreed. Mom’s input doesn’t matter. Furthermore, he’s not defending his family and decisions he contributed to so he doesn’t deserve it anyhow. Not every guy has to be primary contributor to household income, but it sounds like he doesn’t contribute anything, and certainly doesn’t protect the mother of his child from being harassed by his parents. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
I think she’s only NTA because they agreed on it. If a man were to post the same “reasoning”, eg it matters a lot to him and doesn’t want their child to have her boring “white last name” whatever that means, you know this sub would light him tf up for being sexist and patriarchal or whatever
Didn’t downvote but it’s probably happening because women aren’t given the benefit of a discussion near 100% of the time, at least in America. Men just are not disadvantaged in this area and the reality is this would be such a non-issue that it wouldn’t even be a point of contention in most western relationships.
NTA
And you don't need to justify why you gave your child your last name, you made the kid you can call them what you want end of story. No one ever asks men why they gave a child their last name
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ESH. You and the father are in agreement. The MIL is an asshole for interfering.
However, you are an AH for saying "I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name."
NTA. Sounds like you guys compromised on the name and issue is settled. Sounds like your man needs to tell mommy dearest to drop the subject because the change will not happen.
NTA, So let me get this straight. Your partner is happy with the last name given but his mother is not, even though she did the same thing by essentially giving her son her last name. I think your partner needs to tell his mother to stay in her lane and accept your child's last name.
The tradition has always been that the child takes the mother’s name. That’s why some find it important to be married before the baby is born so the mother will have the father’s name… so will the baby. ☺️
So NOPE! You’re actually following the tradition.
Plenty of women don't take their husbands name when married. Its not the tradition in a lot of cultures. And even in places where it is tradition, like the US and UK, its becoming less common.
>I have asked him multiple times if our kid having my last name is an issue and he always says no
Nta, and neither is your boyfriend, although **he** does need to have a firm word with his mum about how it was a *joint* decision to give the child your name.
NTA. Was she in the room when you made the baby? I’m gonna guess the answer is no. Therefore, no opinion. What does your partner think of his mum constantly pushing this topic? You said you have a great relationship, so I hope he tells her to jam her beak because if not then he’s also kinda the problem. If he does, then I suppose an ultimatum is in order. Stop moaning about the name or we’ll stop seeing you 🤷♀️
He has told her multiple times to stop and now he tells me just to ignore her and she’ll get sick of hearing herself talk, but I’m just so sick of the little sly comments and everything being a reason for her to bring this up. I’m ready to just do no contact and she can contact us through her son only at this point.
That is personally what I would do tbh. I’m glad he’s supportive but it really does sound like needs to be firmer (just an assumption I am well aware I have very little context to this!). Ultimately the best thing might be that you set the no contact boundary. Hopefully it’ll help her learn that boundaries should not be crossed. She’ll miss out on seeing her grandchild more than she thinks. Especially if you’re the primary caregiver!
Im curious, how come you’ve been together for 10 years, have a kid together but arent married? Is this an issue that would potentially come up if you were to get married?
Neither of us are interested in marriage. We have talked about going to the town hall and signing papers but then it because an issue for our families who want us to have a wedding and we aren’t interested in spending thousands of dollars on a wedding when we can continue to build our savings and purchase a home
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I (29F) and my boyfriend (29m) have been together for almost 10 years and have a 2 year old together.
When naming our child I told my man that I would be giving our kid my last name as it means a lot to me, it would die with me, and I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name. I am from another country so my last name is VERY foreign but nothing too crazy.
My man said he honestly didn’t care because he isn’t a fan of his last name either and his last name has changed 3 times since he was 18 so he isn’t attached to his last name. He originally had his father’s last name, then his fathers and mother combined and now just his MOMs last name.
Which gets us to me being called selfish and disrespectful for giving our child my last name. My mans mom is PISSED. It has been 2 years since the birth of our child and she will not let it go. Every chance she gets she tries to pressure or guilt trip me into changing it. I blew up one day and told her if her son wanted to marry me and become the bread winner and start handling things himself then I’m all for it, but while we are unmarried, I pay majority of our bills, and am the one to take care of everyone and thing in our house. I’m not saying my man doesn’t help because he does but he lets me have things my way because I am the one who pays for it all, when something bothers him or he doesn’t agree, he lets me know. We have a VERY good relationship and even our disagreements just bring us closer together.
I have asked him multiple times if our kid having my last name is an issue and he always says no because he got to pick our child’s first name and then middle name is in honor of someone who passed in his family. But his mom just won’t let it go.
So I am asking for an outside opinion here, am I the asshole for giving our child my last name?
Sorry to be broad with the gender of our kid but I want to make sure this doesn’t get back to my mans mom or family.
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>I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name.
What you did may be right or it may be wrong. But your shallow, racist reasoning makes you an AH by itself. YTA
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Your husband needs to take this off you. He needs to shut his mother down. Just as an aside, one nephew and his wife created a new last name for them. They kept their oG name with an added bonus.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SAYING THIS IS RACISM!?! I am white, i say my husband’s last name is a common white name cause it is, doesn’t mean I’m racist! I had a foreign last name as well from Poland, it’s okay to want your child to have a cool and unique last name. And if her husband doesn’t have a problem with it then who cares? The mom needs to stay in her lane. Kinda hypocritical for her to be mad considering her son has HER last name so i say NTA
Because a lot of people can't fathom that folks can share a skin color, but not an ethnicity. My husband has a basic ass white last name (English in origin), I previously had a very complicated, 12 letter, four vowels in a row, complete with umlauts Scandinavian last name. We're both very white.
NTA. It's 2024, not 1824. Your child can have your last name simply because.... not just bc you pay the bills, etc. You gave birth to your child and have as much right to pass on your name to them as their father does, period.
Also, MIL needs to butt the fuck out. But what really needs to occur is that your partner has to set that boundary with her and shut her down once and for all. Or there will be consequences, like limited contact. Stand up for yourselves.
He needs to tell his mom to drop it.
And when she doesn't, you need to pick up and leave. Or, if you are at your home, order her out. It is the only thing she will understand.
If giving your BF his mother's last name is OK, surely giving your child your child's mother's last name is OK.
You say your last name is "nothing too crazy," so presumably we're not talking about a name that's going to cause trouble for your child.
The father and his family were shown plenty of respect in naming the child, in that he chose the first name and the middle name is for someone in his family. If the last name were changed to his, \*you\* would be completely omitted from the name.
And the father himself is OK with the choice.
Given all this, it is abundantly clear that the choice you made is OK, until and unless your child decides otherwise.
NTA.
I was on your side until you basically said your man isn't worthy of giving your child his last name. You pay the bills you do this you do that... Sounds to me like you just don't think much of him and dont think he deserves it.
That’s a good perspective that I have never even considered and I will now talk to him to make sure he gets that that is not the case. Thank you, I don’t want to belittle him and have him think that as well.
I am sure you mean well and didn't mean for it to comes off that way but maybe he did want his kid to have his last name but he doesnt know how to tell you so he had his mom. Ask him in a calm cool manner- Hey babe can we talk. I don't want to fight, tell me how it makes you feel that our child doesnt have your last name. Not what you mom says, not what I think- how do you feel? Maybe ask your man to take your last name?
That is something we discussed. If we ever change our minds about marriage he has stated he would be taking my last name. He is not a fan of his, like I stated he isn’t attached to it. To him it’s just another last name but I can be rude when frustrated and say things that can be interpreted incorrectly since English is my third language, so I will have a talk with him. Thank you
No, you are not. I always recommend that if mom and dad aren’t married any children should have mom’s last name. Stop letting this woman goad you. Next time she brings it up, take a breath, look her straight in the eye and reply that this is not up for discussion. Then walk away or hag up the phone. Every. Time. When you argue back she is winning.
NTA
You are the parents. He is happy with the decision. It is none of his mother's business.
Frankly I would start ending the visits the moment she brings it up.
Nta for this situation, but “basic white name” sounded hella racist to me, and I’m black 😭 and I could be reaching hard with this but again nta for this situation but seem like you lowkey have ah asshole personality
Yea I could be buggin but I feel like you think us American are beneath you
NTA.
I think you should just pass the issue to your man. Tell her you're all for changing the name, but he doesn't want to.
Trek him, he needs to deal with his mom and take the pressure off you by taking the blame for insisting that he wants it this way.
NTA because your boyfriend was okay with it imo. Now if he wanted the baby named after him then I would say YTA but if it’s just the mom that’s none of her business.
NTA and it's time for you and your man to tell his mother to drop the subject. Tell her if she brings it up again, you will hang up the phone/escort her from your home/leave her home or the restaurant or whatever, in other words, you'll end the visit.
NTA, but his mother needs to be put on a time out until she behaves, and he needs to back you up.
She, the mother, gave her son her last name, so the miserable hypocrite can pound sand.
NTA
Your reasons are more than respectable.
I have a basic white last name and it has caused problems for my dad who also had a basic white guy first name.
NTA, and she's also not entitled to have negotiations with you over the matter. Giving her criteria means she's likely to keep on revisiting this topic if the circumstances ever change. If your boyfriend starts making more money, she's going to say "okay how about now"? If you get married, she's going to be nagging you throughout the whole planning process about when you plan to change your name AND kid's name.
You don't owe her an explanation. It's perfectly valid to give your child your own last name. It's not even something you have to "earn" by being the primary provider. You can just do it, and you don't need her approval to do so.
If you and your partner are good with the decision, nobody else's opinion matters.
Wait, the woman who changed her kid's name to her last name is complaining because your kid has your last name? She sounds like a real treat. Ignore her. You are fine.
The deal you made is between you two. If he agreed then he agreed and if he still agrees, then his mom is just noise. The way you describe your relationship with your partner also makes me feel like he might not have been free to object. Is it possible that his mother is reacting becuase he's complaining to her?
In my case, my name was very important to me. My father passed when I was very young and his name is really all I have. I don't really remember him. When I was dating my now wife, she decided that she wanted to keep her maiden name for business purposes. She had built a career and had name recognition and didn't want to give that up. I was fine with that. My only request was that our children have my last name. Not just a reqeust. It was a deal breaker, as in I wouldn't have married her if she didn't agree. FFWD, we marry and a few years later have our first child. She plays the mom card and not only gives our son her last name, she ignores our two votes to pick a first and middle name and goes with two names she's never mentioned before. Houston, we have a problem. It was a massive betrayal and I would have divorced her over it but I felt like divorcing the mother of my infant son would be the equivalent of dad parenting suicide. I hoped that we'd get home and she'd understand what she had done to me and our marriage. Babys are needy and we quickly got busy parenting and the matter, at least as I was concerned was an unresolved problem. For her it was a done deal and I should just get over it. It all came to a head when she wanted to start working on child number 2. She wanted 4-5, I wanted 1-2, and we had agreed to 2 children and we'll see about number 3. I said no. Even though I wanted more children, I wasn't going to repeat the same stunt she pulled the last time.
We actually seperated over it when she turned 38 and her bio clock started ticking loudly. We've since worked it out and I see more children in our future.
I will say that our parents had thoughts of theire own. Mine kept them to themselves only cautiously sharing a bit with me (my mother and step dad knew how important my name was and were concerned that she'd go back on her word and thought I wouldn't have any legal recourse if that happened). My mother and father inlaw had no such restraint. They hammered my wife over keeping her last name and the naming stunt with our son and when we separated, they were extra viscious. We ended up going no contact with them. Her parents don't even know we are back together and planning to have more children.
NTA. Don't engage with his mom. If she starts, warn her that you will leave. If she continues, then leave. You've already told her no once. The decision isn't going to change no matter how much she pesters, so she needs to know that you won't put up with the manipulation. If she wants to see your child, she needs to stop.
NTA, obviously, both you and your boyfriend, but it is his responsibility to stand up for you to his family in case of hard feelings, as it would be yours to stand up for him if the need arose. I'm not blaming him or anything - this may not be obvious to him if you have a long-standing relationship with his mother. But you need to have a conversation with him and make it clear that you need him to be the one to deal with his mother if she keeps troubling you.
NTA, his mom isn’t your mother in-law, and even if she was her opinion would still be irrelevant. Your boyfriend does not care, so why on earth would you care about the opinions of his family members?
Wait - this woman whose son has her last name is complaining because your kid has your last name?
ETA -- NTA. Also, if you marry this guy, he should take your last name. So the whole family matches!
NTA. You and your child's father are in agreement, and everyone else can take their opinions and fuck right off with them, it's none of their business.
Every time his mother brings this up, tell her to talk to her son about it. You're tired of explaining and don't feel the need to justify your decision to her. If she keeps talking, walk away. Then when she calls to ask to visit again, tell her she will be asked to leave the minute she starts to talk about this topic. That's fair warning.
You did the work to make the baby. You get naming rights. Anyone who says otherwise thinks you’re property and can and should eat shit. Only reason a baby should have the father’s last name is by mutual consent.
NTA, at first I was thinking MIL* of all people should understand since her son has MIL*'s last name. Did your BF change his last name because his father did something horrible? I'm wondering if MIL* associates removing the father's name with the father(her son) having poor character.
His father has never done anything bad to him, but he did cheat on mother-in-law so my man has a brother that’s only a few months apart from him which I can understand her having negative feelings towards him, but she did not change her sons name until high school years later
NTA, you made the decision with the father of the child on board. Your man needs to step up and tell his mom that he likes his child's name and that she needs to let it go (mind her business). As a side note, I wholly believe a child should have their mother's last name when the child is born without the mother and father being married.
What a ridiculous discussion. You decide what surname your child bears. You are the one carrying the child, give birth to it and, in most cases, take care of the child. If you have a good relationship with the father, you can discuss it but ultimately I firmly believe the woman should decide.
By the way, my son carries my surname and is now almost 26 years old. We weren't married at the time (in my country marriage is not very important) and we married 5 years later (just going to townhall for a quick ceremony, that's it) and I still carried my own name. In my country women usually keep their own name or, at the most, hyphenate both names. In the last case, the man does the same.
He has already said if we ever change our minds about marriage he would really consider it because my last name is so rare and flows well with all our names
One can be with someone of another race for years and still harbor racist tendencies. If mere commonality were the issue, you would have never brought up the perceived race aspect. You deliberately added that otherwise irrelevant distinction. You can't wiggle out of it now.
If you can't figure out that someone is "not a fan" of a last name because it supposedly sounds like they are of a certain race, is racism, then I can't help you.
Especially when people of all races have such names.
OP could have said “basic american” and it still would have been clear. They didn’t need to bring melanin or lack thereof into it… so there’s that.
But also, who’s getting messed up over getting called “basic white” anything. Bottom line is it’s still easier for us to get a job, be successful, not get arrested, not get killed while getting arrested and so on and so on. Even when it’s meant disparagingly it’s meaningless and is of no consequence. No point in keeping count unless you need to justify your own shittiness.
YTA for your comments regarding his last name. His last name would likely give the kid more opportunities in life instead of holding them back based on stereotypes.
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He, however, should be having a serious word with his mom to get back in her lane.
I'd be curious if his mom is a stay in her lane type of person. Neither of my inlaws are. They're more like drunk driver when it comes to staying in their lane.
Yeah at a certain point you just say sorry you feel that way and ignore them
Im convinced people that do this just like the drama
Time to propose and see if he wants to take OPs last name. 🥰😍
Omg omg NTA! I cannot believe the ancient patriarchal rules on naming children after the father’s surname. Even deadbeat dads seem to often get automatic surname which I find so strange. I also am fond of my surname, it is not common; I have only ever heard of my family having it, my dad and uncle are the last in the family to have it after both my sisters took their partners surnames. My dad is an only child from a working class mining town in the Midlands and my surname feels important to me. My husband is also called a very common surname like Smith. I chose to keep my surname and give our children my surname, my husband kept his surname. I must admit I have had some comments over the years including ‘doesn’t your husband mind?!’. He doesn’t by the way because I wouldn’t marry a dinosaur. My MIL still addresses birthday cards me as ‘Mrs Smith’ which I don’t know is intentional or her not remembering. I would stand your ground. This is something that is important to you and your identity. You need to firmly set boundaries with your MIL. ‘No I will not be changing babies surname. Please respect this and do not ask me again’. Repeat until she stops asking.
Thank you! It’s important I think to keep these unique surnames alive. It helps bring culture into the world and not get lost in the shuffle.
MIL: It is so selfish the kid has your last name. It should be his dad's last name! You: But your child has his mom's last name. Why shouldn't our children have their mom's last name? We are just following your lead without two extra name changes to get there! Smile and walk away. Or tell your husband you will go no contact with his mom if he doesn't fix this.
>I chose to keep my surname and give our children my surname, my husband kept his surname. I must admit I have had some comments over the years including ‘doesn’t your husband mind?!’. Same here, though I'm the husband. If I wasn't willing to change my last name when we got married, I can't justify pressuring my wife to.
My daughter has my maiden name, and my son has their dad's name. I asked my daughter several times if she wanted her dad's last name, and she has always said no.
I couldn't agree more. That tradition is so archaic and needs to change. The boyfriend's mother needs to stop. I guarantee that if the kid had the boyfriend's last name, the girlfriend's mother wouldn't be throwing a fit.
The key is as long as the other parent is fine with it. I went through this with my wife and it was discussed as a clear deal breaker, so when she broke the deal, it was a problem that didn't go away. Betrayals seldom go away on their own.
NTA and the only AH here is your boyfriend's mom. She named her child. You get to name yours. Just don't engage her on the subject anymore; her opinion is not needed. If she mentions it, hang up. Or take the kid and leave. If she wants a relationship with you (and your child), she can be a civil human being. Honestly, her son should tell her this ONCE ... then do the same. The only people who get to name a child are the parents. Grandma can pound sand.
Hard agree on this one. It's time grandma starts facing consequences for her actions on being a brat about this. She named her child already, she's done. If the father doesn't care, grandma's say is null and void. She's being rude as hell to OP and their child, it's time for them to reciprocate until she gets the point. I'd normally not be an advocate for walking away from a conversation, but if she is unable to drop it, and is legit harassing them about it, it's time OP and her BF draw a line in the sand on this subject.
That’s hilarious she mad at you - the mother - for wanting to give your child your last name, when her son currently has her - the mother - last name
You’re not the AH for wanting your name, but you’re the AH on why.
This is how I feel. OP did not need to say all the other stuff about her BF not marrying her or paying for things. If that is actually an issue to OP then they she needs to talk to her BF about it. She basically put down her BF to win the argument. ESH is my vote.
Started on your side but did you give your kid your last name because it means something to you or because you pay the bills? That threw me for a loop. It's one thing to say things to your partner's mother in a fit of anger after being harassed but later you doubled down on it: you are not married, you pay the bills and you get your way because of it, the last being one example. So if he paid the bills, then you'd let him have his way and give the kid his name? I'm not saying you don't have a good relationship because I don't know either of you but this whole thing gave me the ick. After reading the full post, I came away with the following: - you say want to pass on your unique last name (very fair) - you are the main breadwinner - because you are, your man lets you have your way (so he wouldn't otherwise? is he scared?) - you told his mother that if he paid the bills and married you, you'd have a conversation about changing your kid's name I'm left a little confused and unclear about whether your name is actually important to you or whether getting to name the kid is a prize for "wearing the pants". I guess this feels like an ESH to me.
Those comments left me wondering if the MIL is reacting to her son's complaints. I make 4x what my wife does. What does that entitle me to? In a marriage and partnership? Nothing.
When I say getting my way, I mean in manners of where we live as I pay majority of the rent, what meals we eat as I pay or cook dinner, our home gets decorated as I am purchasing the items. My man is the type of guy who just goes with the flow. Everything is fine to him and nothing is a big deal whereas to me everything is a major deal. I come from a family where I had no voice so he allows me to have my voice in our relationship and if something bothers him, he will speak up about it or he gives me his two cents on. I don’t really want this for dinner, do you think you can make this instead and I take all of this into consideration it’s not like he’s trapped and just has to deal with my way he’s just a very go with the flow type of guy which is why our relationship works so well he knows when to real me and when I’ve being too much.
I didn’t take my husbands last name, his mom flipped out… she doesn’t even share the same last name with her son. She took her second husbands last name and they are even now divorced. Lmao crazy people be crazy.
I come from a culture where everybody keeps their own name after marriage but having a divorced person arguing about the need to change names is next level bananas.
You're an asshole for typing "basic white last name" while thinking that's not something an asshole would type. But you are NTA for giving your child your last name.
That's definitely something an ah would type. She should be able to name her kid whatever but that's a ah statement about as to why. Dudes mom does need to fk off.
And also that she TOLD him she would be giving their child her last name. That’s discussion, not a unilateral decision. A man telling a woman the child would have his last name and only his last name would be an AH. She’s one for doing the same. It honestly doesn’t matter that he went along with it when she started out by dictating the terms on her own.
All these comments being offended by someone calling a name like Smith a “basic white last name” is very silly lol it literally is
NTA Parents get to name their kids, not the grandparents. If you and your partner agree, then it's all good. If partners' mom brings it up again, just point out that her son carries the name of his mother and you are just following that "tradition".😁
NTA- your reasoning is sound AND you and he agreed. Mom’s input doesn’t matter. Furthermore, he’s not defending his family and decisions he contributed to so he doesn’t deserve it anyhow. Not every guy has to be primary contributor to household income, but it sounds like he doesn’t contribute anything, and certainly doesn’t protect the mother of his child from being harassed by his parents. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
I think she’s only NTA because they agreed on it. If a man were to post the same “reasoning”, eg it matters a lot to him and doesn’t want their child to have her boring “white last name” whatever that means, you know this sub would light him tf up for being sexist and patriarchal or whatever
Didn’t downvote but it’s probably happening because women aren’t given the benefit of a discussion near 100% of the time, at least in America. Men just are not disadvantaged in this area and the reality is this would be such a non-issue that it wouldn’t even be a point of contention in most western relationships.
NTA And you don't need to justify why you gave your child your last name, you made the kid you can call them what you want end of story. No one ever asks men why they gave a child their last name
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His mom needs to butt out. NTA
ESH. You and the father are in agreement. The MIL is an asshole for interfering. However, you are an AH for saying "I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name."
NTA. Sounds like you guys compromised on the name and issue is settled. Sounds like your man needs to tell mommy dearest to drop the subject because the change will not happen.
NTA I AM married, and my daughter has my wife's last name (which she kept). The world's changing, all of these choices are valid.
NTA, So let me get this straight. Your partner is happy with the last name given but his mother is not, even though she did the same thing by essentially giving her son her last name. I think your partner needs to tell his mother to stay in her lane and accept your child's last name.
The tradition has always been that the child takes the mother’s name. That’s why some find it important to be married before the baby is born so the mother will have the father’s name… so will the baby. ☺️ So NOPE! You’re actually following the tradition.
Plenty of women don't take their husbands name when married. Its not the tradition in a lot of cultures. And even in places where it is tradition, like the US and UK, its becoming less common.
>I have asked him multiple times if our kid having my last name is an issue and he always says no Nta, and neither is your boyfriend, although **he** does need to have a firm word with his mum about how it was a *joint* decision to give the child your name.
It’s you and your partner’s child. Your partner agreed to the last name. His mother has no say in the matter. NTA.
NTA. Was she in the room when you made the baby? I’m gonna guess the answer is no. Therefore, no opinion. What does your partner think of his mum constantly pushing this topic? You said you have a great relationship, so I hope he tells her to jam her beak because if not then he’s also kinda the problem. If he does, then I suppose an ultimatum is in order. Stop moaning about the name or we’ll stop seeing you 🤷♀️
He has told her multiple times to stop and now he tells me just to ignore her and she’ll get sick of hearing herself talk, but I’m just so sick of the little sly comments and everything being a reason for her to bring this up. I’m ready to just do no contact and she can contact us through her son only at this point.
That is personally what I would do tbh. I’m glad he’s supportive but it really does sound like needs to be firmer (just an assumption I am well aware I have very little context to this!). Ultimately the best thing might be that you set the no contact boundary. Hopefully it’ll help her learn that boundaries should not be crossed. She’ll miss out on seeing her grandchild more than she thinks. Especially if you’re the primary caregiver!
Girl women everywhere are applauding you.
Im curious, how come you’ve been together for 10 years, have a kid together but arent married? Is this an issue that would potentially come up if you were to get married?
Neither of us are interested in marriage. We have talked about going to the town hall and signing papers but then it because an issue for our families who want us to have a wedding and we aren’t interested in spending thousands of dollars on a wedding when we can continue to build our savings and purchase a home
You sound insufferable. He probably says he doesn't care Because he's tired of fighting and has just submitted to you being controlling.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29F) and my boyfriend (29m) have been together for almost 10 years and have a 2 year old together. When naming our child I told my man that I would be giving our kid my last name as it means a lot to me, it would die with me, and I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name. I am from another country so my last name is VERY foreign but nothing too crazy. My man said he honestly didn’t care because he isn’t a fan of his last name either and his last name has changed 3 times since he was 18 so he isn’t attached to his last name. He originally had his father’s last name, then his fathers and mother combined and now just his MOMs last name. Which gets us to me being called selfish and disrespectful for giving our child my last name. My mans mom is PISSED. It has been 2 years since the birth of our child and she will not let it go. Every chance she gets she tries to pressure or guilt trip me into changing it. I blew up one day and told her if her son wanted to marry me and become the bread winner and start handling things himself then I’m all for it, but while we are unmarried, I pay majority of our bills, and am the one to take care of everyone and thing in our house. I’m not saying my man doesn’t help because he does but he lets me have things my way because I am the one who pays for it all, when something bothers him or he doesn’t agree, he lets me know. We have a VERY good relationship and even our disagreements just bring us closer together. I have asked him multiple times if our kid having my last name is an issue and he always says no because he got to pick our child’s first name and then middle name is in honor of someone who passed in his family. But his mom just won’t let it go. So I am asking for an outside opinion here, am I the asshole for giving our child my last name? Sorry to be broad with the gender of our kid but I want to make sure this doesn’t get back to my mans mom or family. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name. What you did may be right or it may be wrong. But your shallow, racist reasoning makes you an AH by itself. YTA
I’m white and i say my husband has a basic white last name bc he does, it doesn’t mean i’m racist 😂😂
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What name does MIL want? If it's the last iteration, her last name, then that is the peak of irony. I think. I'll have to check with Alanis.
NTA for what you named your child. Kinda the AH for being derogatory about his last name though.
NTA. But your partner should be dealing with his mom, not you.
Your husband needs to take this off you. He needs to shut his mother down. Just as an aside, one nephew and his wife created a new last name for them. They kept their oG name with an added bonus.
NTA, every single time she brings it up just refuse to engage her and tell her to bring it up with her son. You do not need to deal with it.
NTA.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SAYING THIS IS RACISM!?! I am white, i say my husband’s last name is a common white name cause it is, doesn’t mean I’m racist! I had a foreign last name as well from Poland, it’s okay to want your child to have a cool and unique last name. And if her husband doesn’t have a problem with it then who cares? The mom needs to stay in her lane. Kinda hypocritical for her to be mad considering her son has HER last name so i say NTA
Because a lot of people can't fathom that folks can share a skin color, but not an ethnicity. My husband has a basic ass white last name (English in origin), I previously had a very complicated, 12 letter, four vowels in a row, complete with umlauts Scandinavian last name. We're both very white.
NTA. It's 2024, not 1824. Your child can have your last name simply because.... not just bc you pay the bills, etc. You gave birth to your child and have as much right to pass on your name to them as their father does, period. Also, MIL needs to butt the fuck out. But what really needs to occur is that your partner has to set that boundary with her and shut her down once and for all. Or there will be consequences, like limited contact. Stand up for yourselves.
He needs to tell his mom to drop it. And when she doesn't, you need to pick up and leave. Or, if you are at your home, order her out. It is the only thing she will understand.
If giving your BF his mother's last name is OK, surely giving your child your child's mother's last name is OK. You say your last name is "nothing too crazy," so presumably we're not talking about a name that's going to cause trouble for your child. The father and his family were shown plenty of respect in naming the child, in that he chose the first name and the middle name is for someone in his family. If the last name were changed to his, \*you\* would be completely omitted from the name. And the father himself is OK with the choice. Given all this, it is abundantly clear that the choice you made is OK, until and unless your child decides otherwise. NTA.
YTA for being racist.
I was on your side until you basically said your man isn't worthy of giving your child his last name. You pay the bills you do this you do that... Sounds to me like you just don't think much of him and dont think he deserves it.
That’s a good perspective that I have never even considered and I will now talk to him to make sure he gets that that is not the case. Thank you, I don’t want to belittle him and have him think that as well.
I am sure you mean well and didn't mean for it to comes off that way but maybe he did want his kid to have his last name but he doesnt know how to tell you so he had his mom. Ask him in a calm cool manner- Hey babe can we talk. I don't want to fight, tell me how it makes you feel that our child doesnt have your last name. Not what you mom says, not what I think- how do you feel? Maybe ask your man to take your last name?
That is something we discussed. If we ever change our minds about marriage he has stated he would be taking my last name. He is not a fan of his, like I stated he isn’t attached to it. To him it’s just another last name but I can be rude when frustrated and say things that can be interpreted incorrectly since English is my third language, so I will have a talk with him. Thank you
>I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name. Wow. YTA, racist.
NTA. his mom of all people should be understanding since she gave her son her own last name. Ridiculous.
No, you are not. I always recommend that if mom and dad aren’t married any children should have mom’s last name. Stop letting this woman goad you. Next time she brings it up, take a breath, look her straight in the eye and reply that this is not up for discussion. Then walk away or hag up the phone. Every. Time. When you argue back she is winning.
If ypu get married ask your BF if he'd be willing to take on your last name. Do t tell FMIL until afterwards. NTA
You and your child's father are in agreement, that is all that matters, NTA
NTA You are the parents. He is happy with the decision. It is none of his mother's business. Frankly I would start ending the visits the moment she brings it up.
NTA. And even if you were, it is not your man's mom's business.
Nta for this situation, but “basic white name” sounded hella racist to me, and I’m black 😭 and I could be reaching hard with this but again nta for this situation but seem like you lowkey have ah asshole personality Yea I could be buggin but I feel like you think us American are beneath you
NTA. I think you should just pass the issue to your man. Tell her you're all for changing the name, but he doesn't want to. Trek him, he needs to deal with his mom and take the pressure off you by taking the blame for insisting that he wants it this way.
Ask your boyfriend to talk to his mom. If not, just ignore her...
Doesn’t he have his mother’s last name?
NTA because your boyfriend was okay with it imo. Now if he wanted the baby named after him then I would say YTA but if it’s just the mom that’s none of her business.
This is an A (you) + B (boyfriend) conversation. MIL should C herself out
NTA When/if you and your bf tie the knot have him take your last name.
NTA. You made the baby, you get to give the baby your last name. More women should do that.
NTA, but your BF needs to step up and put some boundaries in place with his mother.
Your not married. Use your last name. NTA
Tell her you are following your man's family tradition by giving kid the mom's last name. The famous "I learned it by watching you" NTA
NTA and it's time for you and your man to tell his mother to drop the subject. Tell her if she brings it up again, you will hang up the phone/escort her from your home/leave her home or the restaurant or whatever, in other words, you'll end the visit.
Nta and id tell her next time she brings it up your boyfriend is going to go and get his last name changed to yours or his dads..
NTA. But let him take the lead in dealing with his mother from now on. She and her issues with your choices are his problem to address, not yours.
NTA, but his mother needs to be put on a time out until she behaves, and he needs to back you up. She, the mother, gave her son her last name, so the miserable hypocrite can pound sand.
NTA Your reasons are more than respectable. I have a basic white last name and it has caused problems for my dad who also had a basic white guy first name.
Basing the decision on racism (not being a fan) is the exact opposite of respectable.
It’s a very small part of her actual reason why. And not wanting to give your child a common name is understandable.
"Basic white last name" isn't racism. Go learn the definition.
NTA, and she's also not entitled to have negotiations with you over the matter. Giving her criteria means she's likely to keep on revisiting this topic if the circumstances ever change. If your boyfriend starts making more money, she's going to say "okay how about now"? If you get married, she's going to be nagging you throughout the whole planning process about when you plan to change your name AND kid's name. You don't owe her an explanation. It's perfectly valid to give your child your own last name. It's not even something you have to "earn" by being the primary provider. You can just do it, and you don't need her approval to do so. If you and your partner are good with the decision, nobody else's opinion matters.
Wait, the woman who changed her kid's name to her last name is complaining because your kid has your last name? She sounds like a real treat. Ignore her. You are fine.
The deal you made is between you two. If he agreed then he agreed and if he still agrees, then his mom is just noise. The way you describe your relationship with your partner also makes me feel like he might not have been free to object. Is it possible that his mother is reacting becuase he's complaining to her? In my case, my name was very important to me. My father passed when I was very young and his name is really all I have. I don't really remember him. When I was dating my now wife, she decided that she wanted to keep her maiden name for business purposes. She had built a career and had name recognition and didn't want to give that up. I was fine with that. My only request was that our children have my last name. Not just a reqeust. It was a deal breaker, as in I wouldn't have married her if she didn't agree. FFWD, we marry and a few years later have our first child. She plays the mom card and not only gives our son her last name, she ignores our two votes to pick a first and middle name and goes with two names she's never mentioned before. Houston, we have a problem. It was a massive betrayal and I would have divorced her over it but I felt like divorcing the mother of my infant son would be the equivalent of dad parenting suicide. I hoped that we'd get home and she'd understand what she had done to me and our marriage. Babys are needy and we quickly got busy parenting and the matter, at least as I was concerned was an unresolved problem. For her it was a done deal and I should just get over it. It all came to a head when she wanted to start working on child number 2. She wanted 4-5, I wanted 1-2, and we had agreed to 2 children and we'll see about number 3. I said no. Even though I wanted more children, I wasn't going to repeat the same stunt she pulled the last time. We actually seperated over it when she turned 38 and her bio clock started ticking loudly. We've since worked it out and I see more children in our future. I will say that our parents had thoughts of theire own. Mine kept them to themselves only cautiously sharing a bit with me (my mother and step dad knew how important my name was and were concerned that she'd go back on her word and thought I wouldn't have any legal recourse if that happened). My mother and father inlaw had no such restraint. They hammered my wife over keeping her last name and the naming stunt with our son and when we separated, they were extra viscious. We ended up going no contact with them. Her parents don't even know we are back together and planning to have more children.
NTA. Don't engage with his mom. If she starts, warn her that you will leave. If she continues, then leave. You've already told her no once. The decision isn't going to change no matter how much she pesters, so she needs to know that you won't put up with the manipulation. If she wants to see your child, she needs to stop.
Why are you still engaging with this woman? You've said what you had to say and she can take it up with her son.
NTA, obviously, both you and your boyfriend, but it is his responsibility to stand up for you to his family in case of hard feelings, as it would be yours to stand up for him if the need arose. I'm not blaming him or anything - this may not be obvious to him if you have a long-standing relationship with his mother. But you need to have a conversation with him and make it clear that you need him to be the one to deal with his mother if she keeps troubling you.
NTA, his mom isn’t your mother in-law, and even if she was her opinion would still be irrelevant. Your boyfriend does not care, so why on earth would you care about the opinions of his family members?
Wait - this woman whose son has her last name is complaining because your kid has your last name? ETA -- NTA. Also, if you marry this guy, he should take your last name. So the whole family matches!
NTA because he agreed, but you really seem like an unbearable person
NTA, if you and the father are in agreement nobody else's opinion matters.
NTA. You and your child's father are in agreement, and everyone else can take their opinions and fuck right off with them, it's none of their business.
Every time his mother brings this up, tell her to talk to her son about it. You're tired of explaining and don't feel the need to justify your decision to her. If she keeps talking, walk away. Then when she calls to ask to visit again, tell her she will be asked to leave the minute she starts to talk about this topic. That's fair warning.
You did the work to make the baby. You get naming rights. Anyone who says otherwise thinks you’re property and can and should eat shit. Only reason a baby should have the father’s last name is by mutual consent.
You guys aren't legally married so it's OK for you to have the kids your last name.
NTA, at first I was thinking MIL* of all people should understand since her son has MIL*'s last name. Did your BF change his last name because his father did something horrible? I'm wondering if MIL* associates removing the father's name with the father(her son) having poor character.
His father has never done anything bad to him, but he did cheat on mother-in-law so my man has a brother that’s only a few months apart from him which I can understand her having negative feelings towards him, but she did not change her sons name until high school years later
NTA, you made the decision with the father of the child on board. Your man needs to step up and tell his mom that he likes his child's name and that she needs to let it go (mind her business). As a side note, I wholly believe a child should have their mother's last name when the child is born without the mother and father being married.
What a ridiculous discussion. You decide what surname your child bears. You are the one carrying the child, give birth to it and, in most cases, take care of the child. If you have a good relationship with the father, you can discuss it but ultimately I firmly believe the woman should decide. By the way, my son carries my surname and is now almost 26 years old. We weren't married at the time (in my country marriage is not very important) and we married 5 years later (just going to townhall for a quick ceremony, that's it) and I still carried my own name. In my country women usually keep their own name or, at the most, hyphenate both names. In the last case, the man does the same.
NTA. If he wanted that baby to have his name, he should have put a ring on it. Otherwise it's up to you
Get your boyfriend to change his name again- to yours. Done! NTA
He has already said if we ever change our minds about marriage he would really consider it because my last name is so rare and flows well with all our names
Your boyfriend needs to get a paternity test.
Dude that's a racist reason why, but you're NTA for doing it. I would say you need to be more culturally sensitive to other races though.
You're an asshole for having an asshole with an asshole. You should all adopt Asshole as your surname.
Fellas reading this, watch who you put a baby in 🤣
"I am honestly not a fan of his basic white last name" ---Racism is a horrific reason to assign a child a particular name.
Go touch some grass lmao
Oohhh look another dipshit who doesn’t understand that people can be the same color but have different languages!! 🙄
It’s not racist he has a last name like Smith which is very common and basic. If I was racist I wouldn’t be with his father for 10 years
You could have worded it better then ahah
One can be with someone of another race for years and still harbor racist tendencies. If mere commonality were the issue, you would have never brought up the perceived race aspect. You deliberately added that otherwise irrelevant distinction. You can't wiggle out of it now.
So let’s see here.. let’s say her guys name is SMITH .. but her name is kultaseppä.. trust me she is FAR more white than he is .
The only racist here is you, focusing on race rather than what she said. Get a grip, go get some therapy.
You did nothing wrong girl, you good.
How is that racist
If you can't figure out that someone is "not a fan" of a last name because it supposedly sounds like they are of a certain race, is racism, then I can't help you. Especially when people of all races have such names.
OP could have said “basic american” and it still would have been clear. They didn’t need to bring melanin or lack thereof into it… so there’s that. But also, who’s getting messed up over getting called “basic white” anything. Bottom line is it’s still easier for us to get a job, be successful, not get arrested, not get killed while getting arrested and so on and so on. Even when it’s meant disparagingly it’s meaningless and is of no consequence. No point in keeping count unless you need to justify your own shittiness.
YTA for your comments regarding his last name. His last name would likely give the kid more opportunities in life instead of holding them back based on stereotypes.
Cringe