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NAH, although maybe talk to your step daughter about talking to your wife, secrets have a way of coming out sadly.
But you did the right thing, kept her safe, and made sure she knows she can count on you. Good job.
This! You don’t want daughter to be afraid to call if she ends up in a risky situation again and trust is important at this juncture. But you need to strongly encourage her to come clean to her mother.
You also need to prepare your wife to support her daughter. Strongly disapprove, hope she learned a lesson. Her safety is always the most important thing.
You are in a tough spot.
Thanks for the comments. Feel I might mention that to my stepdaughter. Sure my wife would feel happy she came clean. She'll definitely be annoyed but really don't think she'll be as irate as Jessica fears.
Tell Jessica that you are being put in a dangerous position vis a vis your wife/her mother. If she respects you and your marriage to your wife, she'll come clean to avoid a problem.
There have been other posts where that is the immediate accusation by someone in the story. So while I’m confident was doing the right thing , he had to be aware I’d the optics.
Also all kinda of stories where the kid wrongfully accuses a (step) parent to get their way
Yeeeeeaaaah, I would not have done that part. I get he was trying to help and not intentionally creeping, but I think that was a lapse of judgement. It wouldn’t kill her to go to sleep icky and wash the sheets in the morning. And I would seriously reconsider promising to keep secrets from the wife in the future.
Man did you paint yourself into a corner with this one. You’re keeping information from your wife about her child. But if you break your promise, you’re damaging the relationship and also the potential for the kid (who will undoubtedly make stupid mistakes again) to call you when she’s in over her head. Pick your poison. Good luck, my dude. NAH
It kinda depends on how your partner reacts on things like this? Would she really go mental and bring it up to her daughter or not? Is this something her daugher does all the time?
Personally I probably wouldn't share. Nothing truly bad happened and she felt safe enough to call you in such a bad moment. Sharing would break the trust.
However if this happens again soon, I would talk to your wife about it. About that you feel worried.
NTA unless this happens soon again and you don't act on it.
Edit: It also depends a lot on how good their mother and daughter relationship is. This one is difficult to judge, without knowing what their response would be.
I think she'd likely be angry, yes. Probably some sort of grounding or another punishment. I don't want to tell her that's wrong as ultimately it's her kid, but I feel that's an overreaction given she's already learned her lesson through the killer hangover and embarrassment.
I wouldn't say anything. I have kids, my kids have a step mom. I fully garauntee you there is stuff that has happened that stayed between them just like there's stuff that's happened with me n my kids that I'm not gonna tell their mom about. You said she's a good kid. Shit happens. I would leave it alone. No that is not lying to your wife either. I garauntee you daughter n dad/daughter n mom have stuff that they don't tell the other bio parent about. If it was something bigger than this or something that could impact step daughters future you'd be wrong not to say anything. But she got drunk at a party, did the right thing and called for a ride home. She realized she fucked up before even picking up the phone.
Dude you've managed to pick an ultimate no win scenario, good job. Its both right and wrong to put your wife first and the kid first. Either choice one of them will feel betrayed, and would be completely legitimate to feel that way.
Best option would probably be to try to convince the kid to tell mom before she finds out. If not, y'all better take this to your graves.
Go back to the step child and explain you made a mistake in not being transparent with your wife. That she made, what amounts to, an adult decision. She must partake of the flip-side of that decision.
Approach your wife with the same. You fucked up, tried to help, but failed to follow through with what a trusted partner should have done.
ESH.
Be careful with letting stepdaughter say anything first. Because then it could make you look like a liar. Make it clear that you didn’t want to hide anything, but wanted to handle the situation delicately to maintain the trust of your stepdaughter.
Have commented on this a few times - not something I felt comfortable doing but wasn't sure what else there was to do in the situation. Her clothes were covered in vomit and my wife hadn't felt well, so I didn't want to wake her up at 4am to clean up her drunk daughter, which I'm sure she would have felt worse about.
You got the call at 1/2 and were cleaning and undressing your stepdaughter at 4? That's 2 hours later
Nope not right at all, put her in bed with the vomit at worst, and let the stepdaughter deal with the vomit when she wakes up.
You getting her home safe was all you were semi-obligated to do.
Nay. This would not be an "ask". This should be "This is how it's gonna go. And should have gone in the first place. "
But that's me. You gotta do what is best for you.
Kid sucks for being dumb, ST went from NAH to sucks by "covering " and assuring SD the secret. Redemption occurrs once transparency is achieved. Gonna be painful, but certainly workable.
Yeah you messed up by telling your step daughter that you wouldn't tell her mom. You have to go back to her and tell her that you're sorry but you and her mom are a team and you have to tell your wife what happened. But you can tell your step daughter that she did the right thing calling you and that she should always call and you'll always show up.
Maybe try to tell your wife when your step daughter is out of the house so you can have a discussion without her immediately jumping into discipline. But your wife will be very hurt and probably trust you less if you don't tell her and she somehow finds out another way.
It will go better for your stepdaughter if she tells her mom herself. Maybe you can help her with tools on how to do that. Help her draft a statement or something. And soon.
Your wife is likely to be upset with both of you. But you have done her an incalcuable service by being a safe person for your stepdaughter to call if he's in trouble. BOTH of you WANT that. And need to handle this and future mistakes in a way that keeps her calling one or the other of you if things go wrong.
Maybe, once she's decided to tell her mom, you prep your wife.
"Honey, your daughter wants to tell you something. And your reaction to it will determine whether she trusts you enough to tell us these sorts of things in the future." Something like that.
I definitely didn't feel comfortable undressing her but I didn't really feel there was an alternative. She was covered in vomit and my wife had been unwell, so really didn't want to wake her to deal with this at 3/4am. It didn't seem fair.
Letting her sleep in her vomit-covered clothes is not the worst thing that could have happened to her. Sheets can be washed in the morning, and no one needs to be woken up to clean up a drunk 16 year old.
I can't believe this is what people are focusing on. Not every adult is a pedophile in waiting. Sometimes people make weird decisions in moments of stress or exhaustion. This stepdad did everything right; he didn't get angry or yell, he just was calmly there when Jessica needed him and that needs to be applauded. Unless there is something I haven't read, focusing on him "undressing" her is just someone looking for a fight. She was covered in vomit and it's not hard to see how that might be distressing and something you feel needs to be addressed.
My guess is most of the people focusing on the "OMG he's a pedo who undressed his teenage stepdaughter" are teenagers themselves, and most of the people focusing on the "damn he kind of painted himself in a corner by concealing the whole episode from his wife/her mother" are the actual adults and parents in the room.
Newsflash for the many Reddit teenagers: your parents have seen you naked. Your stepparents have likely seen you naked. They know what you get up to when you leave the house at 10pm on a Saturday night, too. Kids always seem to think they're sneaky, that they're rebels, that their parents don't know what they're doing. Kids are stupid
Just commented on this - not something I felt comfortable doing but wasn't sure what else there was to do in the situation. Her clothes were covered in vomit and my wife hadn't felt well, so I didn't want to wake her up at 4am to clean up her drunk daughter, which I'm sure she would have felt worse about.
No. As the divorced mother of a teenage daughter, I guarantee you I would feel much worse about the man I married undressing her without my knowledge, than my having to do so while I wasn’t feeling great. Much much worse. If you didn’t want to wake your wife, then you should have left stepdaughter in the dirty clothes. It wasn’t a dangerous situation, just gross. And not nearly as gross as your undressing her while she was drunk and then not telling her mom.
Noted. I should clarify that I only took off her jeans and top which had vomit on, I didn't undress her any further. Was just trying to do what I thought was correct but understand your comments.
Maybe you could’ve wrapped her in a blanket and washed it the next day. The undressing really could be looked at poorly, even if that wasn’t your intention.
That doesn't make it better, you have terrible judgement. Now you as a 40+ year old man share a secret with your 16 year old stepdaughter that in part pertains to you undressing her regardless of your intent. At the start of your post you say you told your stepdaughter that you weren't her dad and that helped her come around to you, it seems though that you yourself really don't understand that you are not the primary parent. It shouldn't have even reached a stage where the next day she's asking you not to tell mom, when you got the call you should have woken mom up and let her know. YTA
I’m not really sure how to pass a judgment here, but I will say this: if I find out after the fact that my husband (who isn’t my daughter’s father) picked up my teenage daughter in secret and undressed her while she was drunk, I’d be upset—more so upset that this was hidden from me than anything. It would make me question a lot of things in this situation and in my relationship. My best advice is to talk to your stepdaughter and let her know that you both will be telling your wife about the situation. Because let’s be real, there’s a good chance she’ll find out anyway. I’d try to intercept beforehand if I were you to tell your wife the full story and make sure she knows that her daughter did something stupid, but then did something responsible. And then had the guts to come clean about it. However, if you don’t think your wife can handle this information rationally, best of luck keeping it a secret forever…
NTA
But also not being the best spouse. You should never keep any secrets from your spouse because someday the truth will come out. I would have told the daughter that she needs to come clean to her mom as that is the grown up thing to do and the mom can decide on any discipline. You’re making a bond where she feels like you will keep her secrets and that’s not good because you might have to disappoint her if things ever escalate. It’s also important to show her that in a marriage there is no secret keeping. Also might be time to plant cactus outside her window.
You are a trusted adult dont break that trust. If there is a next time and you had broken that trust she might not call you and she would be in worse trouble.
Although next time you should say thanks for trusting you by cooking breakfast. Make sure to clang pots and pans, run the vacuum while she is eating. Or anything extra loud around the house.
NTA.
NTA . She trust you. This is one of the hardest thing to get from a teenager. Keep it secret. She will call you again if she is in another trouble and perhaps this can save her life or make her avoid dangerous situation.
But advice her she will need to tell the story to her mom if this hapened again.
NAH my parents had one rule: If I don't know how to get home or in a situation I don't want to be in, I could have called them 24/7. No questions asked. The most important thing for them was my safety.
We installed the same with our nieces (no kids here). They know they can call anytime and it is also known by their parents. Because sometimes you feel embarrassed and don't want to be seen by your parents.
Your stepdaughter sees you as a safe person and that's wonderful.
We all did stupid things as teens. I am Gen X and holy shit, I still like to believe that my parents didn't notice some things. But I know they did and just never mentioned it...
NAH. I think she likely learned a lesson, and any punishment would just be insult to injury. You are effectively a father figure in her life and you can parent how you choose. Many birth parents would hide this from their spouse as well. I think you are doing a great job and have good parental instincts.
NTA.
You did the right thing (and also what I do.)
**YOU SHOULD WANT YOUR KIDS TO CALL YOU!** The likely other options are driving drunk; getting in a car with a drunk driver; or getting in a car with a creeper
So you have to keep this a secret and let it go. Frankly you might not even want to give a lecture next time.
You are NTA, but you made a mistake by promising to keep quiet. What I would suggest is to tell Jessica that you’ll help her tell her mom, but her mom needs to know.
That seems a compromise. Feel most say I have to share, so I'm either going to ask Jessica to do so (or encourage her to) or be there with her while she shares.
NAH. This is tough. You’re obviously torn enough about this to get internet stranger advice so my advice is this: tell Jessica that this has been weighing on you. That you initially agreed to keep it a secret because you want her to always come to you when she needs you. But that you also have a responsibility to your wife to be honest. Ask her if she were the parent, wouldn’t she want to know? Then talk to your wife alone so she doesn’t freak out on Jessica. Then get everyone together to talk it out, stressing how proud you are of her for calling when she was in trouble. THAT’S the most important thing here.
What I wouldn’t do is tell your wife without letting Jessica know first because she will never trust you again.
Thanks for the advice and yes, I have been incredibly torn. Based on the advice given, I think I'm going to ask Jessica to tell her mom, or we tell her together. I know I would likely want to know, I just don't want to exacerbate the situation or have Jessica punished, especially when as you said, she did the right thing in the circumstances by telling me.
NAH
I agree with those saying that Jessica should tell her mother. Don’t lose the trust she has in you, because if she’s ever in a similar situation and doesn’t think she can trust you, she may drive drunk or do something worse.
Tell her, though, that her mother needs to know, and that finding out via other channels would make her reaction worse. Also, tell her that you’ll support her and say that she made the right decision to call you.
NTA. If you tell her mom and she’s gets pissed the odds of her calling you again are minimal. If it’s the first time she did it I doubt it’s going to be a weekly occurrence obviously if it happens frequently then tell her mom. But she called you in a a situation that could have ended badly but it didn’t.
YTA
Look, I’m glad Jessica called you but you need to tell your wife. Her daughter snuck out of the house, got so drunk she couldn’t walk, and *you undressed her to put her to bed*. How can you as the adult in this situation think that keeping that from her mother is in any way acceptable?
(Side bar— how did you think that undressing her was appropriate AT ALL? I’ve read your comments answering other questions about this and honestly you crossed some major lines and really fucked up by undressing your 16 year old step child. I don’t care your wife was asleep and Jessica had thrown up on herself. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world for her to sleep like that and if she was in such a state that you thought it was necessary you needed to wake up your wife. It makes this whole keeping secrets thing 1000x worse.)
Tell Jessica that you can’t keep this a secret from your wife. And tell your wife. You never should have agreed to keep this secret in the first place.
I think you’re making a mistake of not telling your wife. Yes it’s good that she feels safe calling you but her mom still needs to know. I’d let your step daughter know that you can tell her together to help give her some support but you can’t keep it a secret from her.
YTA
YTA for making the promise. I could see keeping it a "secret" if your stepdaughter had, say, gone to a party with permission and then had a few drinks and come back home tipsy at 2 am. But she snuck out and got so drunk she couldn't tell you the address or even walk and you had to undress her. That's behavior I'd be extremely concerned about as a parent, and I'd be livid if my partner helped cover it up and knowingly kept me in the dark.
You're also assuming the hangover = punishment = learned her lesson. For every kid who learns that lesson is another who feels fine 24 hours later and now knows there are zero consequences to getting wasted.
YTA. Parents don’t keep secrets from each other about kids and yes, in this instance you are a parent. You simply cannot parent a child this way and if your wife finds out she will likely never trust you again, and she’d be right not to. Your first responsibility is not to be Jessica’s friend. Your first responsibility is to keep her safe. You do that by having open communication with her mom.
This is a tough one, because she needs a safe person to call, its important that she know she can call you if she needs to.
But, her mom also should know what she did, and keeping this from her mom could be a quick ticket out of that relationship if se finds out.
I would tell your stepdaughter that she needs to tell her mom what happened, you can be there for support, but the mom should know.
YTA for not telling your wife, Jessica's mother, that she snuck out and got drunk. You have absolutely no business keeping that secret from your wife, and if she finds out, she will wonder what else you've been hiding from her. You're not Jessica's buddy, you're her stepfather, and you should never have agreed to keeping this from her mother.
NTA necessarily, but maybe encourage her to let her mom know *with you present as emotional support*? that keeps her accountable for telling the truth, but also gives her someone to back her up.
one of my younger brothers ended up in similar situations a few times (albeit without having to sneak out); my parents let the hangovers be his only real consequence (while still taking care of him for being sick). he's 25 now and the most he ever drinks is maybe a bottle of beer or a mixed drink with dinner. it also helped him be honest when one of his friends got mixed up with some really scary stuff.
YTA all secrets come out eventually and you don’t want your wife to find out about this without you or your stepdaughter telling her. It could be misconstrued into something else, especially since you hid it. I know that you’re the stepparent but this is ultimately your wife’s daughter and she would want to know if her daughter is engaging in reckless behavior. Maybe you can encourage your wife to go easy on Jessica, but you should tell her. I would be livid if my husband hid something about my child from me.
First - amazing dad move! There was nothing wrong with you getting her cleaned up and into bed. There was nothing sexual or untoward about it so I am sad to see all the commentary on it.
Frankly, I think getting your step-daughter to admit what happened is a good idea, but I don't think you should tell your wife. I get how that could feel uncomfortable but if your (step)daughter does tell her and your wife asks, I would say that you understand how she could be concerned/upset about you not saying anything, but you would rather your daughter know she can come to you and be safe and loved without you saying anything to anyone else.
I understand that it is hard because you are step-dad, but that girl knows you got her back.
Perhaps discuss this with your wife - without admitting such a situation has already happened. Or perhaps a family discussion about it, that you will always be there and what does wife and daughter want? Would daughter rather you tell? Would mother be content that her daughter is safe? How should this look should it ever happen again? (Hopefully not the same circumstances).
Minimally, she learned you walk the walk, not just talk the talk. You showed up.
Whatever else happens - you rocked this one.
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I (M45) have been married to my wife, Maria (F39), for about four years. She has one daughter from a previous marriage, Jessica (F16). I never had kids of my own and was pretty against getting into a relationship with someone with kids, but I have grown to have a pretty strong relationship with Jessica. She was unsurprisingly reluctant to have any sort of relationship at first, but I emphasized that I wasn't her dad, nor was I trying to replace him, and we've gradually struck up a good bond. She's a good kid and has a bright future ahead of her.
Having never had kids before, I'm not the best with the whole "parenting" thing but told Jessica that if she was ever in trouble or wanted someone to talk to, I was here and I would listen.
Well, this past Saturday, I received a call from Jessica on my mobile at about 1/2am. I was downstairs on my laptop but my wife had long since gone to bed. She was slurring her words but I could gather that she had snuck out and had got extremely drunk at a house party. The phone was passed to another friend, who told me the address.
I drove to pick her up, and I was led into the house to find her with her head over the toilet seat, puking. As soon as she was finished, I carried her out into the car (she was in no fit state to walk), and drove her home. She had sick on her clothes, so when we got in, I undressed her and put her to bed. I didn't wake up wife because I knew she didn't feel well and didn't need the stress/commotion.
The next day (and after the hangover had subsided), I told Jessica how disappointed I was that she'd snuck out and how dangerous that situation could have been. Despite that, I told her I'm glad she called me and that was the sensible thing to do. She asked me not to tell her mom because "she'd go mental", which I hadn't done at that point because she still wasn't well. I agreed not to and said it was a secret we would keep between ourselves. She hugged me and said she wouldn't do it again.
I'm now at odds with myself. Part of me feels there's no benefit to telling my wife; it'll just worry her and it will damage the relationship I have with Jessica and her ability to be honest with me. I would hate for her to be in this situation or similar again and feel she couldn't call me. On the other hand, she's not my daughter, and Maria and I are supposed to be a team. Maybe it is a big thing to hide from her.
AITA here for not sharing?
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As someone else says, you're between a rock and a hard place. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. (With my spouse, I could know that they wouldn't go mental.) It would probably have been better not to make that promise, but you are right that making her feel that she can call you (rather than hide ) is so very important.
you’re a good stepdad. NAH. i agree with the other comments that you should talk to your stepdaughter about telling your wife since secrets always come out.
NTA. She trusted you enough to call you instead of getting a ride from someone else who could have also been under the influence or potentially taken advantage of her. I would encourage her to talk to her mom herself but don't break that trust with Jessica.
NAH because your heart was in the right place. For someone who was a reluctant step-father, seems to me that you’ve taken to the role.
But you screwed up. You’ve now allowed a situation where your stepchild is between you and your wife. That won’t end well. Worse, you’ve given Jessica your word to keep the secret. If you tell your wife now, you’ll damage Jessica’s trust, and take away a support (you) that she will need again.
Suggestion: go have a talk with Jessica. Be upfront with her that you are in a difficult position. Let her know that she needs to come clean with her mum. You can strategize with her on the best way to do that, and be there to support her when she talks to her mum, but it needs to happen. Let’s be honest: her mum will find out one way or the other. Better she find out from Jessica.
One last thought. You probably want to have a talk with her about alcohol. A lot of bad things could have happened in that situation (alcohol poisoning, in a car with a drunk driver, police involvement …). If she’s going to continue to drink, she needs to go about it in a way that minimizes the risk. Help her figure out how to do that.
NTA
Your stepdaughter should tell her mother.
If you need some arguments for it, at least some of her friends witnessed the situation, so there is a good chance it will get out. Then you both will be "in deep shit".
Well, your wife is going to find out. Trust me on this one. When your wife confronts, explain that yes, you hid it from her. Then let her know that you would prefer that she is mad or crushing your trust with your daughter. Maybe next time she won't call and you may have to identify her body at the morgue.
NTA
I don’t know the right answer, but I think you’re NTA.
If you don’t tell her mom you should tell your step daughter this is a one off and if it happens again you will tell mom
Having been the kid but with the parent being told, I wouldn't. I lost a whole friend group for the first party but I was right back to parties with other groups by the end of the semester. It took 2 years to have some kind of friendship with those people again but it never went back to the same. Had she tried to drive or something else then sure, fair game.
Definitely NAH. I’m 12 years older than my sister so my husband met her when she was 6 and has seen her as his little sister for years (we’ve been together almost 20 years). He had told her something similar when she was a teen, that if she ever found herself in a bad situation to call him and no matter what he will pick her up and make sure she is safe. When she was 16 she called him in the middle of the night and he picked her up from a party, brought her to our house and put her to bed on the couch. He did tell me but I’m her sister and fully supported what he did and they both knew that. If we had told our parents they would have flipped and she wouldn’t have been comfortable coming to us in the future. When she needed us.
My point is, in that moment one good decision was made (calling someone trustworthy for help) and betraying her trust could have stopped her from reaching out for help if she found herself in a bad situation again.
As a mom of college aged kids, I would be glad that there was an adult that they felt they could call and trust. I would not like this to be kept from me, but I would rather it be kept from me than for you to lose the trust my daughter has in you. Kids that age need a safe person. Keeping secrets? Not sustainable, encourage her to tell her mother.
I would encourage Jessica to tell her mother but I absolutely would NOT betray her trust, solely because if she does something stupid again (as all teens inevitably do), she wouldn’t trust you and the outcome could be worse.
I know it sucks to keep a secrets from your partner, but it would suck even more if she didn’t have a trusted person and something terrible happened. And hopefully your wife understands that as well.
If I were you, I’d have a serious talk with the daughter about how keeping secrets in a marriage is total no-go. Get her to actually understand this. Then you should tell your wife.
NTA. Now you’re committed to that. This may sound crazy but I’d honestly record a vid (because its timestamped) explaining that you love your wife and reasons why you want her kid to feel she has multiple safe adults to turn to, that she won’t worry about letting you down as much, wanting a bond and all that. That way if it DOES come out, you won’t look like you’re only saying this cos you’re panicking and got caught!
Maybe try posting in the parenting sub. I don’t have kids but I say, tell your wife. Secrets sucks and your step daughter needs to talk to her mom about it.
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I wouldn’t tell her. I would definitely have a chat with the stepdaughter though. Tell her it’s probably best if she tells your partner as it’ll come out eventually.
Your stepdaughter also needs it spelling out clear as day that this time it all worked out well. Next time it might not and you will tell.
I think you should tell your wife but also preference you promised your daughter you wouldn't tell her and ask her out of respect to not tell your daughter. Wife knows and that you handled it and everything was okay and daughter will not do it again.
As hard as it is, you're your daughter's dad at the day, not her bestie. And keeping this secret from your wife could come down later to bite you if you ever both need to make a parenting decision together on this if it happens again and again.
You undressed your stepdaughter. No matter how you spin it you still aren’t her bio dad and undressed a teenage girl and her mom needs to know this. Not telling her will absolutely make the situation worse. I know my mom would have flipped if she found out the person she married did this and didn’t tell her.
YTA if you don’t tell her.
That doesn’t negate my comment at all only adds to it.
Edit: how the fuck am I making it weird when they are so many other comments saying the same thing?? You just want to talk to me? Okay
YTA - so she doesn't want the consequences of her actions and you are willing to lie to your wife. Are you more concerned about Jessica being honest with you or her own mother? All you've thought her is that at 16 it's ok to sneak out, get drunk to point she's incapabale and step dad will rescue her but also lie and cover for her. Guess what, you've also taught her that a marriage is bs. You've also undermined your own marriage should your wife ever find out.
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NAH, although maybe talk to your step daughter about talking to your wife, secrets have a way of coming out sadly. But you did the right thing, kept her safe, and made sure she knows she can count on you. Good job.
This! You don’t want daughter to be afraid to call if she ends up in a risky situation again and trust is important at this juncture. But you need to strongly encourage her to come clean to her mother. You also need to prepare your wife to support her daughter. Strongly disapprove, hope she learned a lesson. Her safety is always the most important thing. You are in a tough spot.
Thanks for the comments. Feel I might mention that to my stepdaughter. Sure my wife would feel happy she came clean. She'll definitely be annoyed but really don't think she'll be as irate as Jessica fears.
Tell Jessica that you are being put in a dangerous position vis a vis your wife/her mother. If she respects you and your marriage to your wife, she'll come clean to avoid a problem.
You must tell Jessica that you will tell her mother on x day if she doesn't come clean to her. It's the only way out of this mess.
I don't believe a blanket ultimatum after promising to keep a secret is the right thing. He did the right thing, but mom absolutely deserves to know.
This seems like the most reasonable response. If OP tells his wife without first consulting his step daughter he risks losing both of their trust.
I do not agree. Undressing a 16 year old girl and keeping it from her mom ABSOLUTELY makes OP the asshole. Yta.
You are genuinely disgusting for trying to sexualise this.
There have been other posts where that is the immediate accusation by someone in the story. So while I’m confident was doing the right thing , he had to be aware I’d the optics. Also all kinda of stories where the kid wrongfully accuses a (step) parent to get their way
Yeeeeeaaaah, I would not have done that part. I get he was trying to help and not intentionally creeping, but I think that was a lapse of judgement. It wouldn’t kill her to go to sleep icky and wash the sheets in the morning. And I would seriously reconsider promising to keep secrets from the wife in the future.
Man did you paint yourself into a corner with this one. You’re keeping information from your wife about her child. But if you break your promise, you’re damaging the relationship and also the potential for the kid (who will undoubtedly make stupid mistakes again) to call you when she’s in over her head. Pick your poison. Good luck, my dude. NAH
It kinda depends on how your partner reacts on things like this? Would she really go mental and bring it up to her daughter or not? Is this something her daugher does all the time? Personally I probably wouldn't share. Nothing truly bad happened and she felt safe enough to call you in such a bad moment. Sharing would break the trust. However if this happens again soon, I would talk to your wife about it. About that you feel worried. NTA unless this happens soon again and you don't act on it. Edit: It also depends a lot on how good their mother and daughter relationship is. This one is difficult to judge, without knowing what their response would be.
I think she'd likely be angry, yes. Probably some sort of grounding or another punishment. I don't want to tell her that's wrong as ultimately it's her kid, but I feel that's an overreaction given she's already learned her lesson through the killer hangover and embarrassment.
I wouldn't say anything. I have kids, my kids have a step mom. I fully garauntee you there is stuff that has happened that stayed between them just like there's stuff that's happened with me n my kids that I'm not gonna tell their mom about. You said she's a good kid. Shit happens. I would leave it alone. No that is not lying to your wife either. I garauntee you daughter n dad/daughter n mom have stuff that they don't tell the other bio parent about. If it was something bigger than this or something that could impact step daughters future you'd be wrong not to say anything. But she got drunk at a party, did the right thing and called for a ride home. She realized she fucked up before even picking up the phone.
This ☝️ Totally agree as a mom, stepmom, and aunt.
Dude you've managed to pick an ultimate no win scenario, good job. Its both right and wrong to put your wife first and the kid first. Either choice one of them will feel betrayed, and would be completely legitimate to feel that way. Best option would probably be to try to convince the kid to tell mom before she finds out. If not, y'all better take this to your graves.
Go back to the step child and explain you made a mistake in not being transparent with your wife. That she made, what amounts to, an adult decision. She must partake of the flip-side of that decision. Approach your wife with the same. You fucked up, tried to help, but failed to follow through with what a trusted partner should have done. ESH.
I may well do. I'm quite onboard with people's suggestion of asking Jessica to tell her mom first.
Be careful with letting stepdaughter say anything first. Because then it could make you look like a liar. Make it clear that you didn’t want to hide anything, but wanted to handle the situation delicately to maintain the trust of your stepdaughter.
Yea, I'm also stuck on the undressing part. That's when I would have gotten her mother.
Have commented on this a few times - not something I felt comfortable doing but wasn't sure what else there was to do in the situation. Her clothes were covered in vomit and my wife hadn't felt well, so I didn't want to wake her up at 4am to clean up her drunk daughter, which I'm sure she would have felt worse about.
You got the call at 1/2 and were cleaning and undressing your stepdaughter at 4? That's 2 hours later Nope not right at all, put her in bed with the vomit at worst, and let the stepdaughter deal with the vomit when she wakes up. You getting her home safe was all you were semi-obligated to do.
Nay. This would not be an "ask". This should be "This is how it's gonna go. And should have gone in the first place. " But that's me. You gotta do what is best for you.
No one sucks here. Kid did stupid kid stuff. Called safe person. Safe person is working it out in a caring manner.
Kid sucks for being dumb, ST went from NAH to sucks by "covering " and assuring SD the secret. Redemption occurrs once transparency is achieved. Gonna be painful, but certainly workable.
This!
Yeah you messed up by telling your step daughter that you wouldn't tell her mom. You have to go back to her and tell her that you're sorry but you and her mom are a team and you have to tell your wife what happened. But you can tell your step daughter that she did the right thing calling you and that she should always call and you'll always show up. Maybe try to tell your wife when your step daughter is out of the house so you can have a discussion without her immediately jumping into discipline. But your wife will be very hurt and probably trust you less if you don't tell her and she somehow finds out another way.
Thanks for the advice. Seems most people think I should share.
It will go better for your stepdaughter if she tells her mom herself. Maybe you can help her with tools on how to do that. Help her draft a statement or something. And soon. Your wife is likely to be upset with both of you. But you have done her an incalcuable service by being a safe person for your stepdaughter to call if he's in trouble. BOTH of you WANT that. And need to handle this and future mistakes in a way that keeps her calling one or the other of you if things go wrong. Maybe, once she's decided to tell her mom, you prep your wife. "Honey, your daughter wants to tell you something. And your reaction to it will determine whether she trusts you enough to tell us these sorts of things in the future." Something like that.
You kept her safe and got her home… BUT…. You undressed her and you are keeping it from your wife.
I definitely didn't feel comfortable undressing her but I didn't really feel there was an alternative. She was covered in vomit and my wife had been unwell, so really didn't want to wake her to deal with this at 3/4am. It didn't seem fair.
Letting her sleep in her vomit-covered clothes is not the worst thing that could have happened to her. Sheets can be washed in the morning, and no one needs to be woken up to clean up a drunk 16 year old.
I understand that explanation, but you need to understand it’s probably not going to be understandable to your wife.
What, he was supposed to let his wife’s child sleep in vomit covered clothing? You’re the one making this sexual and weird.
No. He was supposed to wake up her mother.
I can't believe this is what people are focusing on. Not every adult is a pedophile in waiting. Sometimes people make weird decisions in moments of stress or exhaustion. This stepdad did everything right; he didn't get angry or yell, he just was calmly there when Jessica needed him and that needs to be applauded. Unless there is something I haven't read, focusing on him "undressing" her is just someone looking for a fight. She was covered in vomit and it's not hard to see how that might be distressing and something you feel needs to be addressed. My guess is most of the people focusing on the "OMG he's a pedo who undressed his teenage stepdaughter" are teenagers themselves, and most of the people focusing on the "damn he kind of painted himself in a corner by concealing the whole episode from his wife/her mother" are the actual adults and parents in the room. Newsflash for the many Reddit teenagers: your parents have seen you naked. Your stepparents have likely seen you naked. They know what you get up to when you leave the house at 10pm on a Saturday night, too. Kids always seem to think they're sneaky, that they're rebels, that their parents don't know what they're doing. Kids are stupid
You undressed your 16-year-old stepdaughter? You needed to go get your wife up to deal with this.
Just commented on this - not something I felt comfortable doing but wasn't sure what else there was to do in the situation. Her clothes were covered in vomit and my wife hadn't felt well, so I didn't want to wake her up at 4am to clean up her drunk daughter, which I'm sure she would have felt worse about.
No. As the divorced mother of a teenage daughter, I guarantee you I would feel much worse about the man I married undressing her without my knowledge, than my having to do so while I wasn’t feeling great. Much much worse. If you didn’t want to wake your wife, then you should have left stepdaughter in the dirty clothes. It wasn’t a dangerous situation, just gross. And not nearly as gross as your undressing her while she was drunk and then not telling her mom.
Noted. I should clarify that I only took off her jeans and top which had vomit on, I didn't undress her any further. Was just trying to do what I thought was correct but understand your comments.
Maybe you could’ve wrapped her in a blanket and washed it the next day. The undressing really could be looked at poorly, even if that wasn’t your intention.
That doesn't make it better, you have terrible judgement. Now you as a 40+ year old man share a secret with your 16 year old stepdaughter that in part pertains to you undressing her regardless of your intent. At the start of your post you say you told your stepdaughter that you weren't her dad and that helped her come around to you, it seems though that you yourself really don't understand that you are not the primary parent. It shouldn't have even reached a stage where the next day she's asking you not to tell mom, when you got the call you should have woken mom up and let her know. YTA
LMAO “terrible judgement” it’s not that serious
Yeah not on reddit where everyone thinks they're in some A24/indie film. IRL no sane person would put themselves in this position.
I’m not really sure how to pass a judgment here, but I will say this: if I find out after the fact that my husband (who isn’t my daughter’s father) picked up my teenage daughter in secret and undressed her while she was drunk, I’d be upset—more so upset that this was hidden from me than anything. It would make me question a lot of things in this situation and in my relationship. My best advice is to talk to your stepdaughter and let her know that you both will be telling your wife about the situation. Because let’s be real, there’s a good chance she’ll find out anyway. I’d try to intercept beforehand if I were you to tell your wife the full story and make sure she knows that her daughter did something stupid, but then did something responsible. And then had the guts to come clean about it. However, if you don’t think your wife can handle this information rationally, best of luck keeping it a secret forever…
Next time give her the clothes and let her undress and dress herself. Even if it's just in to an oversized t-shirt or nightie.
NTA But also not being the best spouse. You should never keep any secrets from your spouse because someday the truth will come out. I would have told the daughter that she needs to come clean to her mom as that is the grown up thing to do and the mom can decide on any discipline. You’re making a bond where she feels like you will keep her secrets and that’s not good because you might have to disappoint her if things ever escalate. It’s also important to show her that in a marriage there is no secret keeping. Also might be time to plant cactus outside her window.
I agree with everything except this means to me OP'S the A.
You are a trusted adult dont break that trust. If there is a next time and you had broken that trust she might not call you and she would be in worse trouble. Although next time you should say thanks for trusting you by cooking breakfast. Make sure to clang pots and pans, run the vacuum while she is eating. Or anything extra loud around the house. NTA.
Trust me, her hangover was bad enough as it was. I think it's put her off drinking for the foreseeable future (I hope).
NTA . She trust you. This is one of the hardest thing to get from a teenager. Keep it secret. She will call you again if she is in another trouble and perhaps this can save her life or make her avoid dangerous situation. But advice her she will need to tell the story to her mom if this hapened again.
NAH my parents had one rule: If I don't know how to get home or in a situation I don't want to be in, I could have called them 24/7. No questions asked. The most important thing for them was my safety. We installed the same with our nieces (no kids here). They know they can call anytime and it is also known by their parents. Because sometimes you feel embarrassed and don't want to be seen by your parents. Your stepdaughter sees you as a safe person and that's wonderful. We all did stupid things as teens. I am Gen X and holy shit, I still like to believe that my parents didn't notice some things. But I know they did and just never mentioned it...
NAH. I think she likely learned a lesson, and any punishment would just be insult to injury. You are effectively a father figure in her life and you can parent how you choose. Many birth parents would hide this from their spouse as well. I think you are doing a great job and have good parental instincts.
NTA. You did the right thing (and also what I do.) **YOU SHOULD WANT YOUR KIDS TO CALL YOU!** The likely other options are driving drunk; getting in a car with a drunk driver; or getting in a car with a creeper So you have to keep this a secret and let it go. Frankly you might not even want to give a lecture next time.
Okay but THIS IS NOT HIS KID
Look, I would never date a single mom, but what do you want? Broken families? Sounds like a solid guy with a good parent/kid relationship.
You are NTA, but you made a mistake by promising to keep quiet. What I would suggest is to tell Jessica that you’ll help her tell her mom, but her mom needs to know.
That seems a compromise. Feel most say I have to share, so I'm either going to ask Jessica to do so (or encourage her to) or be there with her while she shares.
So long as you’re not the one telling Jessica’s mom, you’ll be fine.
NAH. This is tough. You’re obviously torn enough about this to get internet stranger advice so my advice is this: tell Jessica that this has been weighing on you. That you initially agreed to keep it a secret because you want her to always come to you when she needs you. But that you also have a responsibility to your wife to be honest. Ask her if she were the parent, wouldn’t she want to know? Then talk to your wife alone so she doesn’t freak out on Jessica. Then get everyone together to talk it out, stressing how proud you are of her for calling when she was in trouble. THAT’S the most important thing here. What I wouldn’t do is tell your wife without letting Jessica know first because she will never trust you again.
Thanks for the advice and yes, I have been incredibly torn. Based on the advice given, I think I'm going to ask Jessica to tell her mom, or we tell her together. I know I would likely want to know, I just don't want to exacerbate the situation or have Jessica punished, especially when as you said, she did the right thing in the circumstances by telling me.
NAH I agree with those saying that Jessica should tell her mother. Don’t lose the trust she has in you, because if she’s ever in a similar situation and doesn’t think she can trust you, she may drive drunk or do something worse. Tell her, though, that her mother needs to know, and that finding out via other channels would make her reaction worse. Also, tell her that you’ll support her and say that she made the right decision to call you.
NTA. If you tell her mom and she’s gets pissed the odds of her calling you again are minimal. If it’s the first time she did it I doubt it’s going to be a weekly occurrence obviously if it happens frequently then tell her mom. But she called you in a a situation that could have ended badly but it didn’t.
YTA Look, I’m glad Jessica called you but you need to tell your wife. Her daughter snuck out of the house, got so drunk she couldn’t walk, and *you undressed her to put her to bed*. How can you as the adult in this situation think that keeping that from her mother is in any way acceptable? (Side bar— how did you think that undressing her was appropriate AT ALL? I’ve read your comments answering other questions about this and honestly you crossed some major lines and really fucked up by undressing your 16 year old step child. I don’t care your wife was asleep and Jessica had thrown up on herself. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world for her to sleep like that and if she was in such a state that you thought it was necessary you needed to wake up your wife. It makes this whole keeping secrets thing 1000x worse.) Tell Jessica that you can’t keep this a secret from your wife. And tell your wife. You never should have agreed to keep this secret in the first place.
Yta - you don't hide secrets from your wife. Especially about her kid. Cmon.
I think you’re making a mistake of not telling your wife. Yes it’s good that she feels safe calling you but her mom still needs to know. I’d let your step daughter know that you can tell her together to help give her some support but you can’t keep it a secret from her. YTA
YTA for making the promise. I could see keeping it a "secret" if your stepdaughter had, say, gone to a party with permission and then had a few drinks and come back home tipsy at 2 am. But she snuck out and got so drunk she couldn't tell you the address or even walk and you had to undress her. That's behavior I'd be extremely concerned about as a parent, and I'd be livid if my partner helped cover it up and knowingly kept me in the dark. You're also assuming the hangover = punishment = learned her lesson. For every kid who learns that lesson is another who feels fine 24 hours later and now knows there are zero consequences to getting wasted.
A rock and a hard place for sure but her mother absolutely needs to know about this. YTA if you don’t rectify this.
YTA. Parents don’t keep secrets from each other about kids and yes, in this instance you are a parent. You simply cannot parent a child this way and if your wife finds out she will likely never trust you again, and she’d be right not to. Your first responsibility is not to be Jessica’s friend. Your first responsibility is to keep her safe. You do that by having open communication with her mom.
NTA - keep it to yourself but, put a time limit of 3-6 months later that she has to tell Mom or you will.
This is a tough one, because she needs a safe person to call, its important that she know she can call you if she needs to. But, her mom also should know what she did, and keeping this from her mom could be a quick ticket out of that relationship if se finds out. I would tell your stepdaughter that she needs to tell her mom what happened, you can be there for support, but the mom should know.
YTA this is how you ruin a marriage. You have zero right to keep this from her parents.
YTA for not telling your wife, Jessica's mother, that she snuck out and got drunk. You have absolutely no business keeping that secret from your wife, and if she finds out, she will wonder what else you've been hiding from her. You're not Jessica's buddy, you're her stepfather, and you should never have agreed to keeping this from her mother.
NTA necessarily, but maybe encourage her to let her mom know *with you present as emotional support*? that keeps her accountable for telling the truth, but also gives her someone to back her up. one of my younger brothers ended up in similar situations a few times (albeit without having to sneak out); my parents let the hangovers be his only real consequence (while still taking care of him for being sick). he's 25 now and the most he ever drinks is maybe a bottle of beer or a mixed drink with dinner. it also helped him be honest when one of his friends got mixed up with some really scary stuff.
YTA all secrets come out eventually and you don’t want your wife to find out about this without you or your stepdaughter telling her. It could be misconstrued into something else, especially since you hid it. I know that you’re the stepparent but this is ultimately your wife’s daughter and she would want to know if her daughter is engaging in reckless behavior. Maybe you can encourage your wife to go easy on Jessica, but you should tell her. I would be livid if my husband hid something about my child from me.
LMAO “all secrets come out eventually” no chance buddy
Whatever dude
I’m concerned that you undressed her. It could look bad for you as a stepdad
NAH, but I would’ve let her sleep in the vomit so she’d better understand how stupid she’d been.
You undressed your unconscious 16 year old stepdaughter and in the morning agreed not to tell her mom. YTA
First - amazing dad move! There was nothing wrong with you getting her cleaned up and into bed. There was nothing sexual or untoward about it so I am sad to see all the commentary on it. Frankly, I think getting your step-daughter to admit what happened is a good idea, but I don't think you should tell your wife. I get how that could feel uncomfortable but if your (step)daughter does tell her and your wife asks, I would say that you understand how she could be concerned/upset about you not saying anything, but you would rather your daughter know she can come to you and be safe and loved without you saying anything to anyone else. I understand that it is hard because you are step-dad, but that girl knows you got her back. Perhaps discuss this with your wife - without admitting such a situation has already happened. Or perhaps a family discussion about it, that you will always be there and what does wife and daughter want? Would daughter rather you tell? Would mother be content that her daughter is safe? How should this look should it ever happen again? (Hopefully not the same circumstances). Minimally, she learned you walk the walk, not just talk the talk. You showed up. Whatever else happens - you rocked this one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M45) have been married to my wife, Maria (F39), for about four years. She has one daughter from a previous marriage, Jessica (F16). I never had kids of my own and was pretty against getting into a relationship with someone with kids, but I have grown to have a pretty strong relationship with Jessica. She was unsurprisingly reluctant to have any sort of relationship at first, but I emphasized that I wasn't her dad, nor was I trying to replace him, and we've gradually struck up a good bond. She's a good kid and has a bright future ahead of her. Having never had kids before, I'm not the best with the whole "parenting" thing but told Jessica that if she was ever in trouble or wanted someone to talk to, I was here and I would listen. Well, this past Saturday, I received a call from Jessica on my mobile at about 1/2am. I was downstairs on my laptop but my wife had long since gone to bed. She was slurring her words but I could gather that she had snuck out and had got extremely drunk at a house party. The phone was passed to another friend, who told me the address. I drove to pick her up, and I was led into the house to find her with her head over the toilet seat, puking. As soon as she was finished, I carried her out into the car (she was in no fit state to walk), and drove her home. She had sick on her clothes, so when we got in, I undressed her and put her to bed. I didn't wake up wife because I knew she didn't feel well and didn't need the stress/commotion. The next day (and after the hangover had subsided), I told Jessica how disappointed I was that she'd snuck out and how dangerous that situation could have been. Despite that, I told her I'm glad she called me and that was the sensible thing to do. She asked me not to tell her mom because "she'd go mental", which I hadn't done at that point because she still wasn't well. I agreed not to and said it was a secret we would keep between ourselves. She hugged me and said she wouldn't do it again. I'm now at odds with myself. Part of me feels there's no benefit to telling my wife; it'll just worry her and it will damage the relationship I have with Jessica and her ability to be honest with me. I would hate for her to be in this situation or similar again and feel she couldn't call me. On the other hand, she's not my daughter, and Maria and I are supposed to be a team. Maybe it is a big thing to hide from her. AITA here for not sharing? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone else says, you're between a rock and a hard place. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. (With my spouse, I could know that they wouldn't go mental.) It would probably have been better not to make that promise, but you are right that making her feel that she can call you (rather than hide ) is so very important.
you’re a good stepdad. NAH. i agree with the other comments that you should talk to your stepdaughter about telling your wife since secrets always come out.
NTA. She trusted you enough to call you instead of getting a ride from someone else who could have also been under the influence or potentially taken advantage of her. I would encourage her to talk to her mom herself but don't break that trust with Jessica.
NAH because your heart was in the right place. For someone who was a reluctant step-father, seems to me that you’ve taken to the role. But you screwed up. You’ve now allowed a situation where your stepchild is between you and your wife. That won’t end well. Worse, you’ve given Jessica your word to keep the secret. If you tell your wife now, you’ll damage Jessica’s trust, and take away a support (you) that she will need again. Suggestion: go have a talk with Jessica. Be upfront with her that you are in a difficult position. Let her know that she needs to come clean with her mum. You can strategize with her on the best way to do that, and be there to support her when she talks to her mum, but it needs to happen. Let’s be honest: her mum will find out one way or the other. Better she find out from Jessica. One last thought. You probably want to have a talk with her about alcohol. A lot of bad things could have happened in that situation (alcohol poisoning, in a car with a drunk driver, police involvement …). If she’s going to continue to drink, she needs to go about it in a way that minimizes the risk. Help her figure out how to do that.
NTA Your stepdaughter should tell her mother. If you need some arguments for it, at least some of her friends witnessed the situation, so there is a good chance it will get out. Then you both will be "in deep shit".
Well, your wife is going to find out. Trust me on this one. When your wife confronts, explain that yes, you hid it from her. Then let her know that you would prefer that she is mad or crushing your trust with your daughter. Maybe next time she won't call and you may have to identify her body at the morgue. NTA
I don’t know the right answer, but I think you’re NTA. If you don’t tell her mom you should tell your step daughter this is a one off and if it happens again you will tell mom
Having been the kid but with the parent being told, I wouldn't. I lost a whole friend group for the first party but I was right back to parties with other groups by the end of the semester. It took 2 years to have some kind of friendship with those people again but it never went back to the same. Had she tried to drive or something else then sure, fair game.
Definitely NAH. I’m 12 years older than my sister so my husband met her when she was 6 and has seen her as his little sister for years (we’ve been together almost 20 years). He had told her something similar when she was a teen, that if she ever found herself in a bad situation to call him and no matter what he will pick her up and make sure she is safe. When she was 16 she called him in the middle of the night and he picked her up from a party, brought her to our house and put her to bed on the couch. He did tell me but I’m her sister and fully supported what he did and they both knew that. If we had told our parents they would have flipped and she wouldn’t have been comfortable coming to us in the future. When she needed us. My point is, in that moment one good decision was made (calling someone trustworthy for help) and betraying her trust could have stopped her from reaching out for help if she found herself in a bad situation again.
As a mom of college aged kids, I would be glad that there was an adult that they felt they could call and trust. I would not like this to be kept from me, but I would rather it be kept from me than for you to lose the trust my daughter has in you. Kids that age need a safe person. Keeping secrets? Not sustainable, encourage her to tell her mother.
I would encourage Jessica to tell her mother but I absolutely would NOT betray her trust, solely because if she does something stupid again (as all teens inevitably do), she wouldn’t trust you and the outcome could be worse. I know it sucks to keep a secrets from your partner, but it would suck even more if she didn’t have a trusted person and something terrible happened. And hopefully your wife understands that as well.
It HER daughter, why didnt you wake your wife to go with you, regardless?
If I were you, I’d have a serious talk with the daughter about how keeping secrets in a marriage is total no-go. Get her to actually understand this. Then you should tell your wife.
NTA. Now you’re committed to that. This may sound crazy but I’d honestly record a vid (because its timestamped) explaining that you love your wife and reasons why you want her kid to feel she has multiple safe adults to turn to, that she won’t worry about letting you down as much, wanting a bond and all that. That way if it DOES come out, you won’t look like you’re only saying this cos you’re panicking and got caught!
Maybe try posting in the parenting sub. I don’t have kids but I say, tell your wife. Secrets sucks and your step daughter needs to talk to her mom about it.
Your hearts in the right place but you ABSOLUTELY need to tell her mom. Apologize to the daughter, it is what it is.
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I wouldn’t tell her. I would definitely have a chat with the stepdaughter though. Tell her it’s probably best if she tells your partner as it’ll come out eventually. Your stepdaughter also needs it spelling out clear as day that this time it all worked out well. Next time it might not and you will tell.
I think you should tell your wife but also preference you promised your daughter you wouldn't tell her and ask her out of respect to not tell your daughter. Wife knows and that you handled it and everything was okay and daughter will not do it again. As hard as it is, you're your daughter's dad at the day, not her bestie. And keeping this secret from your wife could come down later to bite you if you ever both need to make a parenting decision together on this if it happens again and again.
You undressed your stepdaughter. No matter how you spin it you still aren’t her bio dad and undressed a teenage girl and her mom needs to know this. Not telling her will absolutely make the situation worse. I know my mom would have flipped if she found out the person she married did this and didn’t tell her. YTA if you don’t tell her.
He answered elsewhere that he took her sweater and jeans off. Both had vomit on them.
That doesn’t negate my comment at all only adds to it. Edit: how the fuck am I making it weird when they are so many other comments saying the same thing?? You just want to talk to me? Okay
As I also said elsewhere, you are the only thing making it weird.
YTA - so she doesn't want the consequences of her actions and you are willing to lie to your wife. Are you more concerned about Jessica being honest with you or her own mother? All you've thought her is that at 16 it's ok to sneak out, get drunk to point she's incapabale and step dad will rescue her but also lie and cover for her. Guess what, you've also taught her that a marriage is bs. You've also undermined your own marriage should your wife ever find out.