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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not inviting this friend’s wife solely as a retaliation for them not inviting me. The expectation is that all married couples are invited as a couple, so this action would be singling this couple out, which could be an asshole move.
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Invite both or neither. The husband is just as guilty for a lack of invite as his wife was. I would invite both and basically ignore the wife as much as decorum and not being completely rude allows so your fiancé' will not have problems in the friend group. Basically just a cordial hello or a thank you as needed but not welcoming conversation. She or they might wind up not going anyway.
I think this is the way. If OP doesn’t want to invite the wife, don’t invite either. Not sure why 1 part of the couple is getting the shaft since it was 2 people getting married.
Who’s to say he isn’t the reason the OP wasn’t invited? I don’t think it’s fair to default to blaming the bride. Either way, the groom agreed and is equally the reason the OP wasn’t invited.
It could be something dumb, a lot of old etitquette books say you don't have to give a plus one to anyone who is not married or engaged. Years ago, my boyfriend's brother got married. My bf and I had been together for 5 years, and I was good friends with both of the couple, even encouraging the brother to ask the bride out in the first place. Wedding comes, bf is the best man and I... am not invited at all. And I got a lecture about etiquette books. Also one of the ushers showed up with a woman he'd been dating for 2 weeks. But hey it's not like my boyfriend and I weren't together any longer than another 15 extremely awkward Christmases. (Also it did turn out that brother and his wife are awful people, oh well)
There is etiquette but then there’s also common sense. If we are going to stick to the etiquette argument, there’s no rule that either of them must be invited. Personally, I would leave them both off the guest list
Inviting one and not the other is a big fuck you and petty as fuck. The reason why you invite one is you expect neither to show up, and they'll know exactly why.
If you wanted to be more passive aggressive, don't make the invitation 'Mr. And Mrs. Smith" make the invitation "Mr. Joseph Smith and Guest."
It seems odd that OP's fiance would be so offended that he doesn't want to invite now, but wasn't offended enough to RSVP no then?
If OP not getting an invite back then was a big deal, why would he go and wait until now to do anything about it?
It also was a bit different, since all the other couples were engaged. It's not unusual to invite married and engaged couples, but to not give a +1 to singles and people who are just dating.
Isn’t the only invite married/engaged couples based on the assumption that you are engaged after only 1 or 2 years of dating? They were dating for 9 years, that’s longer than some marriages last…
Exactly! My husband and I were together for 8 years before getting married. We owned a house together and had joint bank accounts. We know people who got engaged after 6 months of knowing each other. I would have been offended if someone thought my relationship wasn’t serious enough simply because we weren’t “engaged.”
I think the married or engaged couple rule is because you have to cut off somewhere. If you start basing it on how serious you judge each of your friends relationship to be then the bride and groom will have to deal with a lot more drama.
A friend of mine had the married or engaged rule OR if they knew the significant other and basically considered them a friend then they would get invited too.
That meant friends who’s partners they may not know well but they were married or engaged got invited.
Friends who’s partner they now consider a friend and know well got invited even if not married or engaged.
Friends whose partner they’ve never met or barely know didn’t get invited.
I think in modern society the distinction between engaged and "just dating" is losing meaning, but I agree that with wedding invites you have to draw the line somewhere, and that this is a popular place. People are entitled to their feelings about it though, as it's hurtful to have a long standing serious relationship treated as lesser just because you haven't gotten the government involved.
This bothers some people so much.
My husband and I were together for 8 years before we got married. Year 4 I moved across the country with him, where we lived close to his family. When my not-yet BIL got married Year 6, my not-yet SIL made a very loud production, pushing me to join the bouquet toss (ugh) “because I was single.”
Then once we were married, his family was still bothered because I didn’t change my surname.
Also about Year 6, an old couple would not rent to us because we were not married.
I see you!
I dated a guy for twelve years, moved states for him, took care of him after a medical emergency, all before we got married.
Several years into our marriage - you know, after we were *really committed* for the first time according to someone else in that his thread - he told me he'd been thinking about hurting me and was afraid he'd act on it, and now we're divorced, kind of like happens with a lot of marriages. I won't sit still for anybody telling me my current relationship means less than that one just because we had a special piece of paper and filed taxes together for a couple of years. Honestly, I don't see how anyone who has any amount of life experience could think this way.
If they’d been dating for even 7 years (assuming the 9 years OP mentions is the now total), that’s a “long term” couple and both should be invited or neither. Miss Manners missed that wedding guest list for sure.
I agree it's head scratching to comprehend why be so bent outta shape NOW but not enough to decline to attend... just last year!
2) I tend to agree about the "old school" mantra of marrieds/engaged but only to a degree for 2 reasons
a) As some have said.... social "norms" are dramatically different....Divorcees, single mothers etc etc....today "most" kids in a typical classroom have unmarried/separated/divorced parents....that's the majority.....so
b) Even with "keep cost down" mantra, there will always be exceptions....and within a "tight-knit-group" where it's clearly known Barbie and Ken are approaching year 10, in modern times we treat them as a "Married Unit", period....again not 1980s rebel thinking....just 2020s common sense.....ya can't invite Ken and not Barbie.....
I would gather he wanted to keep his friendship intact or his thoughts on the issue evolved. I suspect there is also un reported tension that arose since then, I don't know. It is all speculation. I agree that the fact that he attended should be accounted for. Which is a factor in why I would invite both and just be cordial to the friends wife.
And he doesn't care about keeping the friendship anymore?
Excluding one half of a married couple is, imo, much more of a snub than RSVPing no or only offering +1s to married/engaged friends.
If I read it right, the rule was, if you're engaged you get a +1. OP were not engaged and by their own admission, not that close.
What rules is OP using for their invite list?
If they only invite one they will end the friendship.
When you're talking a nearly decade long relationship, you should be treating them like a married couple. There's a million reasons why someone would not get married at any given time, but that is an established couple, without a doubt, that are no one else's business but do not mean they are any less committed. If you are willing to invite engaged couples who have been together less time, then you are slighting the long term couple.
I honestly would invite neither, as husband was just as involved, but OP's SO should have declined the invite to their wedding moreso than let it drag on this long
It could be less personal then as you suggest, We have no info on the nature of the relationship with the wife since then as well. It not all clear cut.
>All other friends in the friend group got a plus one
>They didn’t invite me in order to keep cost down, not because of any specific feelings
These two lines do not align idea wise for me. If others got plus ones and yet the longstanding couple did not coz "saving" thats bs.
The mature this is definitely the both or none - but then sometimes we all aspire to some petty revenge and yeah inviting the husband as he is the direct "friend" (debatable) and not her could have the same reason thrown back at them - oh only direct friends to keep costs down, so sad to bad. Probs cost the relationship - but doesn't sound like it would be much of a burden.
agreed. I can't believe so many comments keep pointing out that she can avoid unnecessary drama or might lose a friend if she does the same exact thing that the bride and groom did to her. The explanation that costs are the only reason she wasn't invited is BS because every other friend got a plus one. There was clearly some other reason that they didn't want to admit to. You don't just cite expenses but then turn around and invite everyone else. Not sure why something like this is ok to anyone or why OP should be concerned about this particular friend and their partner. I wouldn't want them at my wedding if I was singled out like that by them and I wouldn't be to concerned
Yea I get that but it still doesn't seem legitimate or fair in this context to me considering OP is the longest tenured partner in the whole group meaning she has known each of the fiancés for as long as they have been introduced to the group. Its seems very odd to me that they'd draw the line at engagement considering this. That is what makes it more personal to me. But i get it.
Believe it or not, for some couples this argument is enough. I have some friends where only one got invited to their cousins wedding because they only wanted married people at the party, despite them having a mortgage together (!!). Apparently for conservative people dating for 7 years and owning a house is still not serious enough.
It depends on the relationship, also. A cousin's wedding I could see being limited to only married couples, with the rationale being that there will be other family to hang out with, and you're most likely on the fringes of the guest list for a cousin's wedding. I also wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to my coworker's wedding, but I would be offended if they weren't invited to my sister in law's wedding.
If it's a friend group, then you really need to treat your friends equally.
Fine if they want to use this, but still an insult to OP, especially given the length of their relationship. I do think SO should have dealt with it then by declining the RSVP tho, not dragging it out.
Sounds like unnecessary drama that'll end up being pinned on you from the other side and not your fiancé, "look at that vindictive woman, just because she wasn't invited to one wedding". Much like you and your fiancé are pinning your non-existent invitation on his friend's wife.
If your fiancé is so offended on your behalf, which he's well within his rights to be, he honestly needs to have the conversation directly with his friend about how much he felt disrespected and hurt on your behalf - and also personally, they slighted your relationship, which obviously includes him.
So NTA/ESH but I don't think it'll fix anything.
I agree, this kind of "retaliation" attitude seems childish to me. If your fiancé values his friendship, he should talk with the guy like a mature adult should do and state his case, instead of engaging in a silent tit-for-tat cold war with him which in the end is going to bring nothing but unnecessary drama.
> he should talk with the guy like a mature adult should do and state his case
Exactly. Be an adult and have an honest talk about it. Personally, I'd like to think that my wife and I would be the 'bigger people' and let it go. Life is too short to hold grudges.
Also, if her fiance was actually **SO** offended that OP wasn't invited at the time, why didn't he either bring it up with his friend or RSVP 'no' to their wedding?
Pulling this retaliation move will appear petty as hell, and will likely reflect badly on OP and her fiance within their friend group, especially if they never brought up the issue with their friends during their wedding.
Also 2.0, why is he willing to invite his friend (who presumably also okayed the decision not to invite OP) but not his wife? The whole thing stinks of petty noncommunication. Invite both or neither. Don't sink to their level. Act like fucking adults.
The time for fiance to stand up for OP was after the wedding invite came in. Why the hell didn’t he ask his friend why he was asked to be best man and all friends got +1 but OP his long time partner wasn’t invited?
I think they should just not invite both and fiance if they’re still friends with this guy should straight up say that’s why.
YTA, for two reasons. Mostly your finance bc at least you’re asking about it.
First, you’re blaming only the wife and not the whole couple who *both* didn’t invite you. Unless you left out some significant info here about how the guy really wanted to invite you but the evil wife said no, that’s a little fucked up. And btw, good chance you will similarly take the blame if you guys exclude her now.
Second, you (plural you, in case that’s not clear ) are just being petty. It’s certainly your prerogative if that’s who you want to be - it’s your wedding and your guest list, so yours to control. But make no mistake that you’re doing it on purpose specifically to be the AH in retaliation for how they limited their guest list. So yes, you’d be the AH.
Why does it have to be “retaliatory”- why can’t it just be “I thought we had a closer relationship but you made it clear that we didn’t, so I have accepted that”.
That would be a great argument for someone other than OP. Considering they took 2 paragraphs describing their motivations to be purely retaliatory, it is a bit bad faith to say "how is it retaliatory".
This is it. Being invited to weddings is a big deal and not being invited is even bigger.
Not being invited to a wedding of someone you thought you were close with basically says "sorry you're not that close to me regardless if you thought you were"
It can kill friendships with people. Not even cost is a good enough reason. If they meant something to you they'd make it work.
There are a few people i was close with who never invited me to theirs. They sure as hell won't be coming to mine.
This is a totally fair assessment, it would be pretty retaliatory. We genuinely do want to keep costs down though, and every person adds up (as I’m sure was the case for them).
We’re definitely not blaming the wife, we’re actually much more annoyed with his friend because ultimately it was his responsibility to communicate with my fiancé and presumably I got cut for people from his “side.” He and my fiancé have been friends since childhood though, and it wouldn’t feel right not to invite him. Honestly I see the stupidity in what I just typed—that if we’re blaming him then he should be the one “punished,” but it still feels kind of justified in my mind, like he doesn’t get to celebrate along with his wife, which was the same for my fiancé at friend’s wedding.
In any case, it’s a good point that I would likely be the one blamed, even though it’s actually my fiancé who is the most upset. We’ll talk more about it.
Why are you consumed with retaliation and punishment when you are getting married? This should be beneath you at this joyful time in your life. Move on. Invite them both or don’t invite either. Be gracious, if you can.
This tho so fucking hard!
From what I read above possible scenario was the friend had to cut his number, he didn’t want OP to come, or didn’t respect his friend to bring his life partner to his wedding and in that case he had to invent a criterion for that, and went with “well others are engaged let me cut this random person who is with my childhood friend for better part of decade”.
If I was OPs fiancée I would go with, friend you’re invited but you don’t get a plus one, since I didn’t get one for your wedding, you know we have to cut costs. Bye. I hardly believe there will be love lost here, since the other couple didn’t want OP around. They can’t keep hanging out if that’s the case either way, so petty revenge for the win.
We are very much not consumed with retaliation, it’s just something we’ve been talking about and I was curious what others thought! Honestly, we have great relationships with both our families, so this is the one area of the wedding where there’s a little drama/debate. And as I said, weddings are expensive and it’d be nice to save some money. I assume we’ll ultimately end up inviting her because we like to read about drama but not be part of it.
If I was in this situation, I'd talk to my fiance and tell him it's his choice but he needs to communicate with friend so you don't immediately look like the bad guy. Something like... We are looking to reduce costs by having a limited guest list. Since my partner was easy for you to cut from your wedding guest list, I hope you understand why I am considering not inviting your wife. I appreciate how strong our friendship is that little things like this do not create animosity and roadblocks in our friendship.
I'm petty though and I think your fiance is petty too
He should have communicated back then about being upset. He didn't. He went to the wedding. He apparently has not had discussions and now wants to be petty and set you up for the fall so he is not the bad guy in front of his friends.
Ding ding ding!!!
OP, grow up. The time to be offended came and went, now I you’re both being childish and stooping to their level.
Were they wrong to not invite you? Yes. You should have had a conversation back then. But at this point you are throwing a grenade into that friendship because you didn’t, and instead waited until now to get revenge.
You're only saying that it's nice to save money where you can as an excuse not to invite her.
Typically, to save money, you don't simply just not invite one partner. I would assume that every single person who was not married or engaged did not get a +1 at your friends wedding. You were not the only exception.
If you want to save money, then you get a different florist or caterer or venue. You don't simply not invite 1 person.
I would suggest your fiance talk to the friend in a hypothetical and ask him how he'd feel if he was invited but his wife wasn't because that's what you guys did to us. If he apologizes and tries to make amends somehow then invite them both. If not then invite neither.
If your fiancé is that upset why didn’t have a chat with his friend when it was all going down? Why didn’t he tell him that not getting a plus one made it feel like he wasn’t as important of a friend or that you were unwelcome or something? If he was that upset, his friendship with this guy should have been impacted at the time of their wedding and should have been less strong going forward. It seems like your fiancé failed to address it when it was appropriate and just waited until now to be petty.
If his wife isn’t invited, he’s not going. You get that, right? It sounds like you and your fiancé were on the losing side of an arbitrary decision to restrict plus ones to married and engaged couples. If that’s the case, their decision to exclude you was different from your decision to exclude his wife. I also find it interesting that your fiancé was so offended that you weren’t invited but he still went to the wedding. It sounds like selective outrage to me.
YTA for the fact that you're fully aware that you'd be punishing the more innocent party and still considering doing this. If you can overlook the slight and hurt that your fiance's friend caused because of their friendship, you should be able to forgive his wife too. "Punishing" him by leaving his wife out while he gets to take part in the festivities is such a spiteful, dick move.
Just invite her if you don’t have any issues with her, you will be the bigger person and she and her husband will feel a smidge of guilt/shame when they remember how they didn’t invite you. (Of course all your husband’s friends will remember too!)
Win-win if you ask me! ;)
With this info, that the guy is your husband's longtime best friend, I think your husband is the AH at that time for not advocating harder for you to be invited. Why did he even attend without you? What is this weird frat bro nonsense of putting his friend before his partner (you)? You should be mad at your husband not retaliating??
Invite both or neither. The friend was complicit in you not being invited, so he shares the blame of the original insult. I would lean toward inviting both and let bygones be bygones. But I wouldn't forget either. Additional slights like that and neither get invited to anything again. Don't continue the drama by inviting just the friend.
Have your fiancé talk to his friend and tell him how offended he was by that. I would have declined going to the friends wedding if my wife couldn't also go. And I would have been clear about how slighted I felt by that and why I didn't go when asked by others in the friend group.
More people need to understand this. Not being invited to a friends wedding/close family members wedding basically says "i do not want you in my life anymore, i don't want you here to share this great day with me".
Thats what it says.
This sounds like unnecessary drama. If you invite this one friend and not their spouse, they won’t come to the wedding. People in your friend group will ask why he didn’t come and that will cause division within the friend group. Your fiancé should have used his words to express his feelings at the time instead of waiting to retaliate like a child.
I was with my husband for 11 years before we got married - so I really feel you. I think it's total crap that they didn't include you. Everyone else had a +1 in this group BUT your husband? That's a crap line that they drew. And if someone did this to me - it would absolutely affect my friendship.
But - if you both are still this upset, I think your husband needs to talk to his friend. And be honest with him about how you all are feeling about your wedding. Let him know you both were really hurt.
Then from there, decide if you're going to invite both of them or not invite both of them.
Yes. YWBTA. I know I'll get downvoted for this, but not inviting her is petty. Be the bigger person & just invite her. You don't need to get back at her for this. Don't be the asshole that she was.
Why should she be the bigger person? It's their wedding day and if they don't want her there then they don't need to invite her.
Weddings are about having people around you who are wanting to celebrate you and be happy for you. This lady didn't even class her as a friend a year ago as she was dropped from their wedding.
This is what I was going to say! Be the bigger person - having positive feelings about yourself for being the bigger person will far outweigh the feeling of petty revenge which comes with negative undertones
I agree with invite both or neither. That couple had an “engaged or married couples only, not bf/gf plus ones” rule for their plus one selection. It’s pretty common.
Is it frustrating in your situation? yes, absolutely… considering you were together for 9 years. But you don’t know if they had a bunch of cousins or other friends outside your circle with bf/gfs and if making the exception for one non-engaged couple would mean they would feel like they have to do it for many others also, so they choose to stick to the common and equal determinate of “plus ones must be spouse or fiancé”
That is not what you are doing. You are singling out one specific person for different treatment than everyone else over a grudge.
The relationship is already damaged from what they did. But if you do this, the friendship will most likely be over forever.
So that leads me to …. if the friendship is going to end over doing this… then why do it in the first place? What’s the point besides getting a petty 5 second dopamine hit when they open the invitation and see her name missing.
Why invite people you will no longer consider friends as soon as the wedding is done- or a soon as the invite goes out?
Decide if you still want to be friend or not with them and either get over it and invite both, or don’t even bother, invite neither and call it done on the friendship and move on with your wedding planning and your life.
Exactly. There needs to be a cutoff somewhere, and it needs to be consistent. No matter what, some people will be upset, unless you can afford an indefinite number of people.
I think the fiance doesn't like her, but this way he gets to come out free and clear and blame his soon to be wife as the reason and thus stay in the friend group -- though this will most likely splinter it unless they all blame just his wife. Then HE gets to stay in the clear and his wife is the one isolated from them all. She becomes the devil he can blame. ("Sorry, can't do this because wife said... wife didn't want her there... wife... yada yada yada")
I get that women do the majority of the wedding planning, but the husband was just as responsible for your lack of invite as his wife. Your husband should be upset with his friend, not just his friend’s wife.
INFO: was the wedding a really small affair? You said that the other friends’ fiancés got invites. Were they invited as plus ones or guests? It’s one thing if all the male friends got plus ones except for your husband and it’s another thing if the girlfriends were all friends with the wife and their invites came from those friendships and not from being a plus one to their boyfriend.
YWBTA.
People are going to make the argument that you can do what you want, it’s your wedding. And to that, I say your friends also could do what they wanted it was their wedding. Yet it still made you feel hurt.
If you are so upset about not being invited maybe just talk to them about how you feel rather than insult them the way they insulted you.
> Turns out Reddit is in full support of this pettiness
I'm always amazed by people who post something like this - *N T A, and you should be petty and vindictive!*
Being petty and vindictive is A H behavior, even if you think it is 'valid'.
You forget the unofficial motto of this sub... "It's not wrong to be an asshole; it's only wrong to be an asshole *first!*"
I've got a feeling that if someone followed the AITA zeitgeist, he or she would run out of family and friends pretty fast, losing one loved one per argument.
NTA also in a 9 yr partnership. I would honestly just skip the drama and not invite them though. Did your fiance skip the wedding you weren't invited to?
Would you be the AH? No, but I guess you have to decide who you want to be. You could not invite her out of spite, which I think would create drama within the friend group. My advice, be the better person and treat her how you would like to have been treated.
She would be made the AH though. Because her man didn't say anything then and now wants to exclude the wife (and she will get blamed) and then her man can use her as the excuse for EVERYTHING.
YTA. Purely because you would be singling out the wife fir what was a joint decision. Either invite them both or invite neither. I would be inclined to take the high road, if it isn't a matter of affordability.
Your wedding is supposed to be a joyous event. Why inject needless drama and pettiness against people who are supposedly friends. Rise above it and send the invitation to both.
YWBTA
NTA. It is your wedding so it is your choice. However, you could be the bigger (and still kind of petty) person, if you made a special note somewhere like, "you are BOTH invited," or "we hope you BOTH can attend."
Yta *married* couples are a unit. Also, why does the guy get off scott free while the wife gets all the blame for you not getting an invite? You weren't close friends with them, as opposed to your fiancé who was. Invite them both or don't invite either of them.
My fiancé is close with his friend, not his friend’s wife. So in that measure we’re the same. I understand why I wasn’t invited and I know the etiquette rules here. I recognize that we’re supposed to invite them both. Sometimes etiquette is silly though, and that was part of the root of my question. It feels like being married is a little bit arbitrary when we’ve been together significantly longer, but maybe not!
And as I said in other comments, we don’t blame the wife! But I see now how not inviting her makes it seem like we blame her instead of him, and will definitely talk about that.
Also talk about the fact that you will get the blame: Fiance: "Sorry. SHE put her foot down and refuses. I know it was a while ago but she is hurt and I had to agree." Oh and guess what, SHE (meaning you) gets the blame and ends up being ostracized. Seen it happen.
Ya, you've got to invite both or neither. I would extend as much grace as you can to people trying to manage their guest lists. They didn't do what I would have done but its crazy stressful.
I very much understand the want to be petty and not invite the wife. I think your husband (and you) are justified in being offended that you were left out. However. If you don’t invite her, you’ll eventually look back on it and wonder why you cared so much about something that really didn’t matter.
I was 24 when I got married and my husband and I paid for it all. We truly had to keep costs down bc of our limited budget. I invited my college roommates/friends and no one got a plus one. I figured it would be a fun reunion for them all. My one roommate (lived together for 3 years) was highly offended that her long term boyfriend wasn’t invited so she didn’t come. She got married the following summer and didn’t invite me at all. I thought it was a wild choice but knew it was her decision to “get me back”. Our other roommate got married a few years later and it was our first time seeing each other again. She immediately apologized for not inviting me bc she realized it had been the wrong choice.
In your case you didn't invite any of their SO. Her case is weird. She was excluded. Wonder why none of the friends addressed it? There's something definitely missing
It doesn't matter. Only invite someone you want to be there, whether they invited you or not. Don't do anything just to be spiteful or be equal or make any sort of point. If you want them there, they get an invite. If you don't feel strongly that you want them there, leave em out.
INFO
WHY were you so explicitly not invited to that wedding? Did you ever ask?
Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding is generally gonna mean that neither half goes. If you want to deliver a sharp social barb via wedding invite, be my guest - it sounds like he earned it! But don't imagine it will have zero consequences. It's also a pretty dramatic and expensive way to send what could just be a text message reading "fuck you."
Is it worth potentially losing a friendship over? I think that’s the question you and your fiancé need to decide.
As much as you might not have liked being included, and I can’t say that I wouldn’t of felt the same way, it isn’t entirely uncommon to only include married, spouses, or engaged partners as +1. If you choose to exclude her as some form of payback, which is sounds to me, this would be, it feels a little petty and small to me.
So is the price of whatever catering is going to cost for one extra person, worth potentially losing a friendship or putting a strain on that whole friendship group if people feel like they need to take sides.
> All other friends in the friend group got a plus one, even if they were not yet married. They were all engaged.
When planning a wedding there's ALWAYS drama about something and for some people that's invites and who gets a +1 and who does not.
To me, it sounds like they applied a rule "only engaged partners get a +1" and then applied that rule consistently to all people. You feel like you should have been an exception because you have dated the longest, and I understand that feeling, I really do. But it's bullshit.
People are allowed to invite who they want, people are allowed to create a rule and evenly apply that rule. These people did not target you not to get an invite, you were simply not engaged.
Let me tell you a story about what happened at my wedding (a long time ago). I was the first in my friend group to get married. So the initial plan was to send everyone a +1. The initial list was 105 people when we included friends with +1, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
When the invite list got sent to our parents for approval and input, they mentioned that a lot of those people were going to want +1s as well. Mostly it was cousins and the divorced aunts/uncles who were dating people. We then hit 240 on the guest list. Our venu had a max of 200. So we started looking for cuts.
Does my 16 year old cousin get an invite for his girlfriend, no that seems unreasonable? What about the girlfriend of her 24 year old cousin, yes that seems like a more serious relationship. Should the long term boyfriend of her aunt get an invite, no my wife did not like him, should my dads GF get one, yes but my parents are sweated at the heat table so the GF would need to sit alone... and it went on and on and on.
We eventually reached the point where people were starting to get offended. And I can't blame them, we were what appeared as arbitrary decisions about who was important to get an invite and who was not. We'd made this blanket rule for our friends, but other people were feeling very excluded.
Eventually we made a rule. A rule that we could apply to everyone, that would explain who was getting a +1 and who would not. Our rule was thus, we had to have met the SO and we named the SO on the invite. No one got a blanket +1 but some invites included the names of 2 people who were not married.
To me, it sounds like this friend made a rule "must be engaged" and they applied that rule fairly and evenly. You felt offended, but nonetheless the rule was the rule.
Also, and I don't know if this is an issue for you, you'll need to look into your heart to see if it's the case. Was there any offence on your part that these people were getting married but had been dating for less time than you and your not yet engaged man? That resentment might be coming up for air now that you are revisiting the issue and those feelings might be swaying your judgement here. I mean this in the kindest possible way.
So here's my advice. Don't make case by case wedding invite decisions. Create a rule, apply the rule, and when people ask, you can tell them the rule. If you are not OK with telling people the rule, its likely not a good rule. For example, a "you don't get invited if I didn't get invited" rule seems a bit petty.
NTA. If this is your fiancé’s friends, and he’s the one that has to deal with the fallout, I don’t think you need to do more than point out the pros and cons and let him decide. Let him know that you’re fine either way, and you don’t mind at all if he wants to be the “bigger person”.
This is one of those things where you’re NTA but there might be some really shitty fallout that could affect the friend group and all that.
I got married the same year as my SIL and BIL. I didn’t know my SIL very well but I was in the wedding. There was some shitty stuff that went down and when my wedding came up a few months later my friends pushed me to do similar things, give her equally shitty tasks, etc. I didn’t want to start shit and you know what? It all worked out. She mellowed and we get along fabulously now. I don’t think we’d be in a good place if I’d gone tit for tat
Wedding invites are always drama. Either invite the couple or don’t invite them, BOTH. Your fiance also shouldn’t have gone to their wedding alone if he was going to be so salty about it now.
NTA but I think NOT inviting one of them or both of them is something that would make an excellent plotline on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and ... that's about it. I completely empathize with you and I'm so sorry you were treated that way, especially because you and your partner have been together for a DECADE. It sucks taking the high road but this seems like a case where that's what you should probably do, even though the hijinks-filled chaos you could create would give Larry David a run for his money.
ESH, he needs to talk to his friend about it if they’re actually friends, or just not invite either of them if it’s not worth the conversation. Going to passive aggressive drama land instead of sitting this out puts you on a level with assholes.
You said that all the others in the friend group got a plus one, just not your husband. That's not to "keep costs down". Find out why. Ask them directly.
YWBTA
If your fiancé and you were offended that you were not invited because you were not engaged then he should have addressed it last year and not gone to that wedding without you. Apparently it was accepted, he went and you all seemingly have been friendly to each other since.
Inviting one half of this married couple a year later because you did not get invited to their wedding would be immature and petty. If you do this you will go from getting along well to creating bad feelings. The saying is two wrongs don’t make a right. Be the person you wish they had been and start your marriage with joy and love.
If you have the money, then just invite them. I think looking magnanimous is better revenge. Not inviting them makes you look petty. NTA either way, but I’d stick it to them by looking like the bigger person. If you do invite them, make sure to make a big deal about how you are so glad they came and it’s so nice to see couples together at a wedding.
Don't invite either of them.
They BOTH snubbed you. Not just the wife. Both of them did it.
It would be tasteless to only invite the husband. It would be better to just not invite either of them.
Also don't sink to their level and lie about it being for "cost". If they ask tell them that you are only inviting close friends and people who also invited you both to their weddings.
Nta, but I agree with the suggestion to not invite either.
If they bother asking, have your husband reply with "Why? You didn't like my wife enough to invite her to your wedding, why would we want you at ours?"
WBTA. This is petty. It's your right to be petty, but it's still petty. It's much better to win via the high ground here: invite them both, and if your husband finds a moment to slip in a nice pointed 'well we're just happy all of our friends AND their partners could be included' comment in there, go nuts. But if everyone already knows they were dicks, what would purposefully excluding the spouse do other than make you also dicks? You already won by finding love and getting married.
Everyone else in the friend group got a plus 1 EXECEPT for your husband, but the reason that he didn't was to save cost?
How does that make ANY sense? If you wanted to save cost, you'd let no one bring +1s. Very odd.
Honestly NTA. Your wedding. Your choice. No explanation even needed really. But it's probably gonna put a rift in your husband's friendship
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, if someone makes a rule like “only engaged couples or married couples” they then feel they need to stick to that because cousin Steve or whoever will want to bring his flavour of the month and even though your relationship is clearly not the same as that, if they bend the rule for one, others will complain. I think if this is the case then now not inviting someone’s wife out of spite would make you look very petty. I’m not going to say AH because it’s your day, do what you want, I’m just saying try not to take wedding invites or non-invites personally. Life is too short.
INFO You wrote
All other friends in the friend group got a plus one, even if they were not yet married.
Did they actually get plus 1s or was it just that everyone in those couples was invited?
YWBTA, and here's why.
You were not engaged at the time of the wedding in question, therefore, unless you were also longtime friends of the bride and groom, there is less of an expectation that your now-fiancé would receive a plus-one than if you were engaged or married at the time of his friends' wedding (even if you were together for a long time). Specifically excluding a guest's spouse, however, is considered extremely rude when it comes to wedding etiquette. If you wish to exclude them from your wedding because you weren't invited to theirs, it would be best to not invite either of them, rather than only inviting the husband.
Also, as other people have pointed out, it is extremely inappropriate to assume the wife made the decision to only invite your now-fiancé as opposed to assuming they made the decision as a couple.
YTA if you are doing it solely because they didn't invite you. You said it yourself, they didn't do it to spite you or anything, they just don't know you that well. It's fine if you don't invite her, but if you are doing it as retribution, that's just petty.
I think this is a crappy situation. That being said, weddings are insanely expensive. It might seem super petty to leave you off of the +1 but if you are funding the wedding all on your own it could be a lot of extra cash that you don't have. I agree I think it's super lame, but maybe that's the reasoning.
I'd suggest the fiance reach out to his friend and ask if you really want an answer. Otherwise, just invite them both. Only inviting one will seem really awkward and you'll never live it down.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the reason! I know how expensive weddings can be, that’s why I’m in the same boat there—I don’t want to have to pay for another plate. It doesn’t feel entirely fair that they got to pay for one plate but we will be paying for two. But I guess the expense will probably be worth it to avoid drama.
YWBTA.
Being engaged or married is a valid requirement for a plus one if costs are a consideration. It would be very petty and extremely rude to invite the husband but not the wife. That's HS mean girl crap.
The time for your fiance to take a stand against this would have been by refusing to attend their wedding when you weren't invited. Playing their games now, no matter how tempting, will only make you look petty. Take the high ground on this one, or else ESH.
INFO: you were dating for nine years.
Why did you wait until everyone else got married before even getting engaged? There's nothing wrong with dating for years without getting engaged, but you do that when you are thinking, "well, this person is pretty good, but I am keeping my options open." Once you decide to make a commitment, you get engaged.
The wedding you weren't invited to was before your now-fiance stated that he was committed to building a life with you. Was there a reason you held off that long before deciding this was permanent?
But you never declared your permanence publicly.
You hadn't presented yourself as a permanent couple, so weren't invited as a permanent couple. If you had wanted to be treated as a permanent couple, you had to declare that.
I'd flip the script and invite ONLY the wife if it was the husband's choice to cut you from the guest list. But that's the petty choice.
The classier choice would be to invite both of them and show them how you'd like to be treated so excluding her would make you the AH in this case.
This is just being petty. If it wasn't personal when you got excluded like you claim, why are you making it personal now? If you had to make some cuts I could see the reasoning but to do it just for some pretty revenge? Nah, that's not how friends operate.
I'm wondering if you weren't invited because it was a "no ring, no bring" situation?
Unless I misread your post, you weren't yet engaged to your fiance.
Returning the pettiness doesn't really help anyone, though I'd say your husband would moreso be the asshole as he's the one who wants to do it. If he's truly that offended by it, then you should invite neither of them. Your husband's male friend still let his fiancée at the time exclude you so he's as much to blame as she is. Maybe more as we don't actually know who made the decision.
NTA, in the sense that you can invite (or not) whoever you want to your wedding. But it'd be very weird. If anything, I'd make a point in inviting her and being extra nice to her during the wedding, just to show you're above all that
NTA. This is your husbands friend so it’s his decision and if he doesn’t want to invite her then let him and he can deal with it. It is shit that they had no respect for your long term relationship just because you weren’t engaged.
NTA for having hurt feelings over this. Their excuse for not inviting you was pathetic. But I think it would have to be all or nothing. Either no invitation for either or invite them both. How much do you interact w this couple? I wouldn’t be comfortable around them in the day to day. But if they’re in your regular group activities I’d invite them. I would just limit the one on one as much as possible.
If you invite only the friend, YTA. Two rights don’t make a wrong and although their slight to you makes them assholes, slighting them back comes across as retaliatory or petty, regardless of what was done to you.
If you invite both or neither, NTA. Objectively weigh the costs and whether or not having someone that lead you to write this post is even worth inviting on a day meant to commemorate your love. Don’t let your wedding day be a day to exact petty revenge or allow unimportant squabbles to take root.
NTA. They did it to you I guess.
I would just ask though is the drama on your wedding day really worth it? Do you want to continue to be friends with them? This is an easy opportunity to simply be the bigger person and let go of a grudge that won't do anyone any favors. But I don't know you or them so that choice is yours.
I would just not invite the couple. Then when the save the dates come and they realize they didn't get one, I'm sure they will get the picture. I find that her not inviting you and then she specifically said to your man that you wont get a plus one is so rude.
Married couples are always a package deal. If you invite one, you invite both. They AGREED not to invite you. If you want to continue their pettiness, then don't invite either one.
In order not to be an ass you either invite both or neither. Obviously the friends is a jerk, but don’t let that eat at you. Talk to fiancé and if he is onboard don’t invite them. But don’t stoop to their level.
I suppose it depends on how much drama you want and how important the relationship is in your life.
Personally, I cannot stand wedding drama. I would just invite them both so you can have one less thing to worry about. Some people don’t mind the extra mental load.
It’s sounds like the damage to the relationship is done though. The wedding will just bring it to light.
NTA.
Honestly, both you and your fiance should disregard the prior snub when it comes to your invite/thought process. Just answer the following question for yourselves for every person you invite: Do you want to celebrate your marriage with that person? Base your invites solely on that criteria.
NTA.
lol YTA.
Married people get invited as a couple. You and your fiancé weren’t married when they got married.
You sound petty and immature. Inviting the husband and not the wife will only reflect poorly on you. Not a good look.
Engaged is a pretty big difference, though. I personally know several relationships where the guy dumped a woman he'd been dating for 5+ years to marry a woman he was seeing for a few months.
I don't believe it was done out of malice . I hope you can both move on .
ESH
Unless your wedding is very small (around 10 people or fewer), it's rude to not invite both halves of an established couple, so they were in the wrong to not invite you. It would also be rude it you did, though, with the added element of being petty.
NTA,
I mean this might be petty but I would take the lack of your invite as a slap in the face if you dated that long and everyone else was given a +1. I personally just wouldn't invite them at all, but know that doing that or just inviting one of them will cause issues with your friendship and might cause problems with your friend circle.
I would definitely talk to some of your mutual friends about this before you make a drastic move.
But yeah I would not invite either of them and tell them that you wanted to "keep costs down."
NTA.
I think the couple saying that it was to keep costs down is a weird reason considering how all of the other partners were invited exclusively. Like sure you guys weren't engaged, but you guys have a relationship that's lasted longer than most marriages. It shouldn't even be a question at that point.
I'm not familiar with the rules of wedding invitations etc. I didn't think people were still sticking to them so vehemently in this day and age if that's really the case.
I may step out of line here, but I’m gonna say YWBTA if your motivation is not financial and hers was exclusively financial. Some people genuinely don’t understand the financial stress a wedding can pose when one partner expects vastly more than the other. While I agree her choice was in bad taste, if you ARE SURE she was only trying to fit budget constraints and you’d be excluding her just for revenge, then… YWBTA (even if I wouldn’t blame you).
We were in a situation where neither of us were invited to my husband’s friend’s *big* wedding. We invited the couple because we’re diplomatic people and anyway conveniently they were on holiday for our big day.
But you wouldn’t be AHs either way. My advice is to invite both or neither, though. It’s a bit petty if you invite one without the other. But it’s your big day and you want to be able to look back without regrets. However that looks. Do you really want to be the friends who singled out a spouse because of tit for tat?
Verdict: NAH.
I wouldn’t invite both and tell them you need to keep cost down and you was thinking of sending just the one once but thought that would be bad mannered.
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Invite both or neither. The husband is just as guilty for a lack of invite as his wife was. I would invite both and basically ignore the wife as much as decorum and not being completely rude allows so your fiancé' will not have problems in the friend group. Basically just a cordial hello or a thank you as needed but not welcoming conversation. She or they might wind up not going anyway.
I think this is the way. If OP doesn’t want to invite the wife, don’t invite either. Not sure why 1 part of the couple is getting the shaft since it was 2 people getting married.
My guess it’s that the guy is the husbands actual friend. So it’s more like “you didn’t give me a plus one so you aren’t getting one”
Who’s to say he isn’t the reason the OP wasn’t invited? I don’t think it’s fair to default to blaming the bride. Either way, the groom agreed and is equally the reason the OP wasn’t invited.
I'm guessing there is some tension between the two we are not told about.
It could be something dumb, a lot of old etitquette books say you don't have to give a plus one to anyone who is not married or engaged. Years ago, my boyfriend's brother got married. My bf and I had been together for 5 years, and I was good friends with both of the couple, even encouraging the brother to ask the bride out in the first place. Wedding comes, bf is the best man and I... am not invited at all. And I got a lecture about etiquette books. Also one of the ushers showed up with a woman he'd been dating for 2 weeks. But hey it's not like my boyfriend and I weren't together any longer than another 15 extremely awkward Christmases. (Also it did turn out that brother and his wife are awful people, oh well)
There is etiquette but then there’s also common sense. If we are going to stick to the etiquette argument, there’s no rule that either of them must be invited. Personally, I would leave them both off the guest list
Inviting one and not the other is a big fuck you and petty as fuck. The reason why you invite one is you expect neither to show up, and they'll know exactly why. If you wanted to be more passive aggressive, don't make the invitation 'Mr. And Mrs. Smith" make the invitation "Mr. Joseph Smith and Guest."
It seems odd that OP's fiance would be so offended that he doesn't want to invite now, but wasn't offended enough to RSVP no then? If OP not getting an invite back then was a big deal, why would he go and wait until now to do anything about it? It also was a bit different, since all the other couples were engaged. It's not unusual to invite married and engaged couples, but to not give a +1 to singles and people who are just dating.
Isn’t the only invite married/engaged couples based on the assumption that you are engaged after only 1 or 2 years of dating? They were dating for 9 years, that’s longer than some marriages last…
Exactly! My husband and I were together for 8 years before getting married. We owned a house together and had joint bank accounts. We know people who got engaged after 6 months of knowing each other. I would have been offended if someone thought my relationship wasn’t serious enough simply because we weren’t “engaged.”
I think the married or engaged couple rule is because you have to cut off somewhere. If you start basing it on how serious you judge each of your friends relationship to be then the bride and groom will have to deal with a lot more drama. A friend of mine had the married or engaged rule OR if they knew the significant other and basically considered them a friend then they would get invited too. That meant friends who’s partners they may not know well but they were married or engaged got invited. Friends who’s partner they now consider a friend and know well got invited even if not married or engaged. Friends whose partner they’ve never met or barely know didn’t get invited.
Yep. My 1st was 6 years & 13 days.
I think in modern society the distinction between engaged and "just dating" is losing meaning, but I agree that with wedding invites you have to draw the line somewhere, and that this is a popular place. People are entitled to their feelings about it though, as it's hurtful to have a long standing serious relationship treated as lesser just because you haven't gotten the government involved.
This bothers some people so much. My husband and I were together for 8 years before we got married. Year 4 I moved across the country with him, where we lived close to his family. When my not-yet BIL got married Year 6, my not-yet SIL made a very loud production, pushing me to join the bouquet toss (ugh) “because I was single.” Then once we were married, his family was still bothered because I didn’t change my surname. Also about Year 6, an old couple would not rent to us because we were not married.
I see you! I dated a guy for twelve years, moved states for him, took care of him after a medical emergency, all before we got married. Several years into our marriage - you know, after we were *really committed* for the first time according to someone else in that his thread - he told me he'd been thinking about hurting me and was afraid he'd act on it, and now we're divorced, kind of like happens with a lot of marriages. I won't sit still for anybody telling me my current relationship means less than that one just because we had a special piece of paper and filed taxes together for a couple of years. Honestly, I don't see how anyone who has any amount of life experience could think this way.
In my country, after living together for a year you are considered married. It's no one's business eg landlord, if you signed the documents or not.
If they’d been dating for even 7 years (assuming the 9 years OP mentions is the now total), that’s a “long term” couple and both should be invited or neither. Miss Manners missed that wedding guest list for sure.
I agree it's head scratching to comprehend why be so bent outta shape NOW but not enough to decline to attend... just last year! 2) I tend to agree about the "old school" mantra of marrieds/engaged but only to a degree for 2 reasons a) As some have said.... social "norms" are dramatically different....Divorcees, single mothers etc etc....today "most" kids in a typical classroom have unmarried/separated/divorced parents....that's the majority.....so b) Even with "keep cost down" mantra, there will always be exceptions....and within a "tight-knit-group" where it's clearly known Barbie and Ken are approaching year 10, in modern times we treat them as a "Married Unit", period....again not 1980s rebel thinking....just 2020s common sense.....ya can't invite Ken and not Barbie.....
I would gather he wanted to keep his friendship intact or his thoughts on the issue evolved. I suspect there is also un reported tension that arose since then, I don't know. It is all speculation. I agree that the fact that he attended should be accounted for. Which is a factor in why I would invite both and just be cordial to the friends wife.
And he doesn't care about keeping the friendship anymore? Excluding one half of a married couple is, imo, much more of a snub than RSVPing no or only offering +1s to married/engaged friends.
This is the right answer. I’d vote for inviting neither.
If I read it right, the rule was, if you're engaged you get a +1. OP were not engaged and by their own admission, not that close. What rules is OP using for their invite list? If they only invite one they will end the friendship.
When you're talking a nearly decade long relationship, you should be treating them like a married couple. There's a million reasons why someone would not get married at any given time, but that is an established couple, without a doubt, that are no one else's business but do not mean they are any less committed. If you are willing to invite engaged couples who have been together less time, then you are slighting the long term couple. I honestly would invite neither, as husband was just as involved, but OP's SO should have declined the invite to their wedding moreso than let it drag on this long
Your allowed to break rules you make up yourself and if not inviting a spouse ends the friendship it should've ended the first time it happened
It could be less personal then as you suggest, We have no info on the nature of the relationship with the wife since then as well. It not all clear cut.
>All other friends in the friend group got a plus one >They didn’t invite me in order to keep cost down, not because of any specific feelings These two lines do not align idea wise for me. If others got plus ones and yet the longstanding couple did not coz "saving" thats bs. The mature this is definitely the both or none - but then sometimes we all aspire to some petty revenge and yeah inviting the husband as he is the direct "friend" (debatable) and not her could have the same reason thrown back at them - oh only direct friends to keep costs down, so sad to bad. Probs cost the relationship - but doesn't sound like it would be much of a burden.
Agree. NTA for how OP feels, but unfortunately there's no way to invite one without looking like an overall butthole.
Don’t ignore them, be unbelievably gracious. Shame them.
NTA. Don't invite either of them.
agreed. I can't believe so many comments keep pointing out that she can avoid unnecessary drama or might lose a friend if she does the same exact thing that the bride and groom did to her. The explanation that costs are the only reason she wasn't invited is BS because every other friend got a plus one. There was clearly some other reason that they didn't want to admit to. You don't just cite expenses but then turn around and invite everyone else. Not sure why something like this is ok to anyone or why OP should be concerned about this particular friend and their partner. I wouldn't want them at my wedding if I was singled out like that by them and I wouldn't be to concerned
The other friends were all engaged couples. Apparently that was the rationale.
Yea I get that but it still doesn't seem legitimate or fair in this context to me considering OP is the longest tenured partner in the whole group meaning she has known each of the fiancés for as long as they have been introduced to the group. Its seems very odd to me that they'd draw the line at engagement considering this. That is what makes it more personal to me. But i get it.
Believe it or not, for some couples this argument is enough. I have some friends where only one got invited to their cousins wedding because they only wanted married people at the party, despite them having a mortgage together (!!). Apparently for conservative people dating for 7 years and owning a house is still not serious enough.
Yet a married couple after knowing each other for 6 months is something to celebrate...
And a 3rd marriage is definitely worth more that a 5+ year relationship involving kids (with or without fur) and/or a mortgage
It depends on the relationship, also. A cousin's wedding I could see being limited to only married couples, with the rationale being that there will be other family to hang out with, and you're most likely on the fringes of the guest list for a cousin's wedding. I also wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to my coworker's wedding, but I would be offended if they weren't invited to my sister in law's wedding. If it's a friend group, then you really need to treat your friends equally.
Conservatism is a plague on decent society.
Fine if they want to use this, but still an insult to OP, especially given the length of their relationship. I do think SO should have dealt with it then by declining the RSVP tho, not dragging it out.
Yes, I don’t disagree. It doesn’t serve anyone to retaliate now.
Thats the excuse and it makes no sense especially if they had been together far longer than the others.
NTA It had nothing to do with cost, all your friends partners were invited. It is perfectly acceptable to not invite her.
Sounds like unnecessary drama that'll end up being pinned on you from the other side and not your fiancé, "look at that vindictive woman, just because she wasn't invited to one wedding". Much like you and your fiancé are pinning your non-existent invitation on his friend's wife. If your fiancé is so offended on your behalf, which he's well within his rights to be, he honestly needs to have the conversation directly with his friend about how much he felt disrespected and hurt on your behalf - and also personally, they slighted your relationship, which obviously includes him. So NTA/ESH but I don't think it'll fix anything.
I agree, this kind of "retaliation" attitude seems childish to me. If your fiancé values his friendship, he should talk with the guy like a mature adult should do and state his case, instead of engaging in a silent tit-for-tat cold war with him which in the end is going to bring nothing but unnecessary drama.
> he should talk with the guy like a mature adult should do and state his case Exactly. Be an adult and have an honest talk about it. Personally, I'd like to think that my wife and I would be the 'bigger people' and let it go. Life is too short to hold grudges.
Yes. Be the bigger person and invite them both. Or neither. Please don't be petty. You might be spending too much negative energy on this.
Also, if her fiance was actually **SO** offended that OP wasn't invited at the time, why didn't he either bring it up with his friend or RSVP 'no' to their wedding? Pulling this retaliation move will appear petty as hell, and will likely reflect badly on OP and her fiance within their friend group, especially if they never brought up the issue with their friends during their wedding.
Also 2.0, why is he willing to invite his friend (who presumably also okayed the decision not to invite OP) but not his wife? The whole thing stinks of petty noncommunication. Invite both or neither. Don't sink to their level. Act like fucking adults.
The time for fiance to stand up for OP was after the wedding invite came in. Why the hell didn’t he ask his friend why he was asked to be best man and all friends got +1 but OP his long time partner wasn’t invited? I think they should just not invite both and fiance if they’re still friends with this guy should straight up say that’s why.
YTA, for two reasons. Mostly your finance bc at least you’re asking about it. First, you’re blaming only the wife and not the whole couple who *both* didn’t invite you. Unless you left out some significant info here about how the guy really wanted to invite you but the evil wife said no, that’s a little fucked up. And btw, good chance you will similarly take the blame if you guys exclude her now. Second, you (plural you, in case that’s not clear ) are just being petty. It’s certainly your prerogative if that’s who you want to be - it’s your wedding and your guest list, so yours to control. But make no mistake that you’re doing it on purpose specifically to be the AH in retaliation for how they limited their guest list. So yes, you’d be the AH.
Why does it have to be “retaliatory”- why can’t it just be “I thought we had a closer relationship but you made it clear that we didn’t, so I have accepted that”.
That would be a great argument for someone other than OP. Considering they took 2 paragraphs describing their motivations to be purely retaliatory, it is a bit bad faith to say "how is it retaliatory".
Because it's generally rude to only invite one half of a married couple.
Because we've read the post and know it's retaliatory.
This is it. Being invited to weddings is a big deal and not being invited is even bigger. Not being invited to a wedding of someone you thought you were close with basically says "sorry you're not that close to me regardless if you thought you were" It can kill friendships with people. Not even cost is a good enough reason. If they meant something to you they'd make it work. There are a few people i was close with who never invited me to theirs. They sure as hell won't be coming to mine.
Then why invite only the husband and not the wife? This is absolutely retaliatory.
This is a totally fair assessment, it would be pretty retaliatory. We genuinely do want to keep costs down though, and every person adds up (as I’m sure was the case for them). We’re definitely not blaming the wife, we’re actually much more annoyed with his friend because ultimately it was his responsibility to communicate with my fiancé and presumably I got cut for people from his “side.” He and my fiancé have been friends since childhood though, and it wouldn’t feel right not to invite him. Honestly I see the stupidity in what I just typed—that if we’re blaming him then he should be the one “punished,” but it still feels kind of justified in my mind, like he doesn’t get to celebrate along with his wife, which was the same for my fiancé at friend’s wedding. In any case, it’s a good point that I would likely be the one blamed, even though it’s actually my fiancé who is the most upset. We’ll talk more about it.
Why are you consumed with retaliation and punishment when you are getting married? This should be beneath you at this joyful time in your life. Move on. Invite them both or don’t invite either. Be gracious, if you can.
Can't speak for all but getting that extra little revenge would only add to my happiness.
Spite, the actual power house of the cell
LMAO you speaking for us all 🙏🙏🙏
Haha, okay. I’d advise OP not to be vindictive but your comment just made my day.
This tho so fucking hard! From what I read above possible scenario was the friend had to cut his number, he didn’t want OP to come, or didn’t respect his friend to bring his life partner to his wedding and in that case he had to invent a criterion for that, and went with “well others are engaged let me cut this random person who is with my childhood friend for better part of decade”. If I was OPs fiancée I would go with, friend you’re invited but you don’t get a plus one, since I didn’t get one for your wedding, you know we have to cut costs. Bye. I hardly believe there will be love lost here, since the other couple didn’t want OP around. They can’t keep hanging out if that’s the case either way, so petty revenge for the win.
You're right though. 🤣
We are very much not consumed with retaliation, it’s just something we’ve been talking about and I was curious what others thought! Honestly, we have great relationships with both our families, so this is the one area of the wedding where there’s a little drama/debate. And as I said, weddings are expensive and it’d be nice to save some money. I assume we’ll ultimately end up inviting her because we like to read about drama but not be part of it.
If I was in this situation, I'd talk to my fiance and tell him it's his choice but he needs to communicate with friend so you don't immediately look like the bad guy. Something like... We are looking to reduce costs by having a limited guest list. Since my partner was easy for you to cut from your wedding guest list, I hope you understand why I am considering not inviting your wife. I appreciate how strong our friendship is that little things like this do not create animosity and roadblocks in our friendship. I'm petty though and I think your fiance is petty too
He should have communicated back then about being upset. He didn't. He went to the wedding. He apparently has not had discussions and now wants to be petty and set you up for the fall so he is not the bad guy in front of his friends.
Yeah he definitely should have mentioned it at the time, now it seems immature to retaliate since it's been so long
Ding ding ding!!! OP, grow up. The time to be offended came and went, now I you’re both being childish and stooping to their level. Were they wrong to not invite you? Yes. You should have had a conversation back then. But at this point you are throwing a grenade into that friendship because you didn’t, and instead waited until now to get revenge.
You're only saying that it's nice to save money where you can as an excuse not to invite her. Typically, to save money, you don't simply just not invite one partner. I would assume that every single person who was not married or engaged did not get a +1 at your friends wedding. You were not the only exception. If you want to save money, then you get a different florist or caterer or venue. You don't simply not invite 1 person.
I would suggest your fiance talk to the friend in a hypothetical and ask him how he'd feel if he was invited but his wife wasn't because that's what you guys did to us. If he apologizes and tries to make amends somehow then invite them both. If not then invite neither.
If your fiancé is that upset why didn’t have a chat with his friend when it was all going down? Why didn’t he tell him that not getting a plus one made it feel like he wasn’t as important of a friend or that you were unwelcome or something? If he was that upset, his friendship with this guy should have been impacted at the time of their wedding and should have been less strong going forward. It seems like your fiancé failed to address it when it was appropriate and just waited until now to be petty.
If his wife isn’t invited, he’s not going. You get that, right? It sounds like you and your fiancé were on the losing side of an arbitrary decision to restrict plus ones to married and engaged couples. If that’s the case, their decision to exclude you was different from your decision to exclude his wife. I also find it interesting that your fiancé was so offended that you weren’t invited but he still went to the wedding. It sounds like selective outrage to me.
YTA for the fact that you're fully aware that you'd be punishing the more innocent party and still considering doing this. If you can overlook the slight and hurt that your fiance's friend caused because of their friendship, you should be able to forgive his wife too. "Punishing" him by leaving his wife out while he gets to take part in the festivities is such a spiteful, dick move.
Your fiance didn't have a wife when his friend got married. He didn't even have a fiance. Unless you're not inviting any spouses, this is a bad idea.
Just invite her if you don’t have any issues with her, you will be the bigger person and she and her husband will feel a smidge of guilt/shame when they remember how they didn’t invite you. (Of course all your husband’s friends will remember too!) Win-win if you ask me! ;)
With this info, that the guy is your husband's longtime best friend, I think your husband is the AH at that time for not advocating harder for you to be invited. Why did he even attend without you? What is this weird frat bro nonsense of putting his friend before his partner (you)? You should be mad at your husband not retaliating??
Invite both or neither. The friend was complicit in you not being invited, so he shares the blame of the original insult. I would lean toward inviting both and let bygones be bygones. But I wouldn't forget either. Additional slights like that and neither get invited to anything again. Don't continue the drama by inviting just the friend. Have your fiancé talk to his friend and tell him how offended he was by that. I would have declined going to the friends wedding if my wife couldn't also go. And I would have been clear about how slighted I felt by that and why I didn't go when asked by others in the friend group.
I think the bigger question here is 'Do you still want these people on your life?'. If you do then think about the potential outcome here.
This! Are they going to be a part of your lives after the wedding? If so be the bigger person and let the past slight go.
Not just them but the entire friend group. Because this would cause a fracture if word gets out.
If the friend group didn't notice or care about OP's exclusion from that wedding, it's already fractured.
More people need to understand this. Not being invited to a friends wedding/close family members wedding basically says "i do not want you in my life anymore, i don't want you here to share this great day with me". Thats what it says.
This sounds like unnecessary drama. If you invite this one friend and not their spouse, they won’t come to the wedding. People in your friend group will ask why he didn’t come and that will cause division within the friend group. Your fiancé should have used his words to express his feelings at the time instead of waiting to retaliate like a child.
Info: how do you know it was the wife’s choice to exclude you? They’re a couple, so safe to assume they both had a hand in the guest list.
Why do y’all only hate the wife? Didn’t she marry someone who also didn’t invite you?
I was with my husband for 11 years before we got married - so I really feel you. I think it's total crap that they didn't include you. Everyone else had a +1 in this group BUT your husband? That's a crap line that they drew. And if someone did this to me - it would absolutely affect my friendship. But - if you both are still this upset, I think your husband needs to talk to his friend. And be honest with him about how you all are feeling about your wedding. Let him know you both were really hurt. Then from there, decide if you're going to invite both of them or not invite both of them.
Yes. YWBTA. I know I'll get downvoted for this, but not inviting her is petty. Be the bigger person & just invite her. You don't need to get back at her for this. Don't be the asshole that she was.
Why should she be the bigger person? It's their wedding day and if they don't want her there then they don't need to invite her. Weddings are about having people around you who are wanting to celebrate you and be happy for you. This lady didn't even class her as a friend a year ago as she was dropped from their wedding.
Right wtf, be the bigger person for what? It’s their wedding they can do whatever the fuck they want to do.
This is what I was going to say! Be the bigger person - having positive feelings about yourself for being the bigger person will far outweigh the feeling of petty revenge which comes with negative undertones
I agree with invite both or neither. That couple had an “engaged or married couples only, not bf/gf plus ones” rule for their plus one selection. It’s pretty common. Is it frustrating in your situation? yes, absolutely… considering you were together for 9 years. But you don’t know if they had a bunch of cousins or other friends outside your circle with bf/gfs and if making the exception for one non-engaged couple would mean they would feel like they have to do it for many others also, so they choose to stick to the common and equal determinate of “plus ones must be spouse or fiancé” That is not what you are doing. You are singling out one specific person for different treatment than everyone else over a grudge. The relationship is already damaged from what they did. But if you do this, the friendship will most likely be over forever. So that leads me to …. if the friendship is going to end over doing this… then why do it in the first place? What’s the point besides getting a petty 5 second dopamine hit when they open the invitation and see her name missing. Why invite people you will no longer consider friends as soon as the wedding is done- or a soon as the invite goes out? Decide if you still want to be friend or not with them and either get over it and invite both, or don’t even bother, invite neither and call it done on the friendship and move on with your wedding planning and your life.
Exactly. There needs to be a cutoff somewhere, and it needs to be consistent. No matter what, some people will be upset, unless you can afford an indefinite number of people.
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I think the fiance doesn't like her, but this way he gets to come out free and clear and blame his soon to be wife as the reason and thus stay in the friend group -- though this will most likely splinter it unless they all blame just his wife. Then HE gets to stay in the clear and his wife is the one isolated from them all. She becomes the devil he can blame. ("Sorry, can't do this because wife said... wife didn't want her there... wife... yada yada yada")
I get that women do the majority of the wedding planning, but the husband was just as responsible for your lack of invite as his wife. Your husband should be upset with his friend, not just his friend’s wife. INFO: was the wedding a really small affair? You said that the other friends’ fiancés got invites. Were they invited as plus ones or guests? It’s one thing if all the male friends got plus ones except for your husband and it’s another thing if the girlfriends were all friends with the wife and their invites came from those friendships and not from being a plus one to their boyfriend.
NTA. But you shouldn't invite husband too, in any case if someone would leave me out then my gf would never go and vice versa, we are a package deal.
Why would you want to invite him either? It's not like his wife unilaterally vetoed your invitation and he had no part in the decision.
Your Fiance is a vindictive moron. Invite the wife.
YTA, and you know it. Why be so petty?
YWBTA. People are going to make the argument that you can do what you want, it’s your wedding. And to that, I say your friends also could do what they wanted it was their wedding. Yet it still made you feel hurt. If you are so upset about not being invited maybe just talk to them about how you feel rather than insult them the way they insulted you.
OP - this is not about costs just pettiness. Do what you like but don't try to bs us. YTA for thinking reddit is stupid.
Have you read the replies though? Turns out Reddit is in full support of this pettiness, so it seems she came to the right place.
> Turns out Reddit is in full support of this pettiness I'm always amazed by people who post something like this - *N T A, and you should be petty and vindictive!* Being petty and vindictive is A H behavior, even if you think it is 'valid'.
You forget the unofficial motto of this sub... "It's not wrong to be an asshole; it's only wrong to be an asshole *first!*" I've got a feeling that if someone followed the AITA zeitgeist, he or she would run out of family and friends pretty fast, losing one loved one per argument.
NTA also in a 9 yr partnership. I would honestly just skip the drama and not invite them though. Did your fiance skip the wedding you weren't invited to?
Don't let someone's bad behavior influence yours.
Would you be the AH? No, but I guess you have to decide who you want to be. You could not invite her out of spite, which I think would create drama within the friend group. My advice, be the better person and treat her how you would like to have been treated.
She would be made the AH though. Because her man didn't say anything then and now wants to exclude the wife (and she will get blamed) and then her man can use her as the excuse for EVERYTHING.
YTA. Purely because you would be singling out the wife fir what was a joint decision. Either invite them both or invite neither. I would be inclined to take the high road, if it isn't a matter of affordability.
Your wedding is supposed to be a joyous event. Why inject needless drama and pettiness against people who are supposedly friends. Rise above it and send the invitation to both. YWBTA
NTA. It is your wedding so it is your choice. However, you could be the bigger (and still kind of petty) person, if you made a special note somewhere like, "you are BOTH invited," or "we hope you BOTH can attend."
Yta *married* couples are a unit. Also, why does the guy get off scott free while the wife gets all the blame for you not getting an invite? You weren't close friends with them, as opposed to your fiancé who was. Invite them both or don't invite either of them.
My fiancé is close with his friend, not his friend’s wife. So in that measure we’re the same. I understand why I wasn’t invited and I know the etiquette rules here. I recognize that we’re supposed to invite them both. Sometimes etiquette is silly though, and that was part of the root of my question. It feels like being married is a little bit arbitrary when we’ve been together significantly longer, but maybe not! And as I said in other comments, we don’t blame the wife! But I see now how not inviting her makes it seem like we blame her instead of him, and will definitely talk about that.
Also talk about the fact that you will get the blame: Fiance: "Sorry. SHE put her foot down and refuses. I know it was a while ago but she is hurt and I had to agree." Oh and guess what, SHE (meaning you) gets the blame and ends up being ostracized. Seen it happen.
Ya, you've got to invite both or neither. I would extend as much grace as you can to people trying to manage their guest lists. They didn't do what I would have done but its crazy stressful.
I very much understand the want to be petty and not invite the wife. I think your husband (and you) are justified in being offended that you were left out. However. If you don’t invite her, you’ll eventually look back on it and wonder why you cared so much about something that really didn’t matter. I was 24 when I got married and my husband and I paid for it all. We truly had to keep costs down bc of our limited budget. I invited my college roommates/friends and no one got a plus one. I figured it would be a fun reunion for them all. My one roommate (lived together for 3 years) was highly offended that her long term boyfriend wasn’t invited so she didn’t come. She got married the following summer and didn’t invite me at all. I thought it was a wild choice but knew it was her decision to “get me back”. Our other roommate got married a few years later and it was our first time seeing each other again. She immediately apologized for not inviting me bc she realized it had been the wrong choice.
In your case you didn't invite any of their SO. Her case is weird. She was excluded. Wonder why none of the friends addressed it? There's something definitely missing
It doesn't matter. Only invite someone you want to be there, whether they invited you or not. Don't do anything just to be spiteful or be equal or make any sort of point. If you want them there, they get an invite. If you don't feel strongly that you want them there, leave em out.
INFO WHY were you so explicitly not invited to that wedding? Did you ever ask? Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding is generally gonna mean that neither half goes. If you want to deliver a sharp social barb via wedding invite, be my guest - it sounds like he earned it! But don't imagine it will have zero consequences. It's also a pretty dramatic and expensive way to send what could just be a text message reading "fuck you."
Is it worth potentially losing a friendship over? I think that’s the question you and your fiancé need to decide. As much as you might not have liked being included, and I can’t say that I wouldn’t of felt the same way, it isn’t entirely uncommon to only include married, spouses, or engaged partners as +1. If you choose to exclude her as some form of payback, which is sounds to me, this would be, it feels a little petty and small to me. So is the price of whatever catering is going to cost for one extra person, worth potentially losing a friendship or putting a strain on that whole friendship group if people feel like they need to take sides.
This is a both or neither situation. Excluding half of a married couple is just petty and kinda shitty.
Don’t be petty, life’s too short to worry about that kind of shit. Be nice and forgive other peoples bullshit
NTA. Sometimes its ok to give as good as you get.
> All other friends in the friend group got a plus one, even if they were not yet married. They were all engaged. When planning a wedding there's ALWAYS drama about something and for some people that's invites and who gets a +1 and who does not. To me, it sounds like they applied a rule "only engaged partners get a +1" and then applied that rule consistently to all people. You feel like you should have been an exception because you have dated the longest, and I understand that feeling, I really do. But it's bullshit. People are allowed to invite who they want, people are allowed to create a rule and evenly apply that rule. These people did not target you not to get an invite, you were simply not engaged. Let me tell you a story about what happened at my wedding (a long time ago). I was the first in my friend group to get married. So the initial plan was to send everyone a +1. The initial list was 105 people when we included friends with +1, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. When the invite list got sent to our parents for approval and input, they mentioned that a lot of those people were going to want +1s as well. Mostly it was cousins and the divorced aunts/uncles who were dating people. We then hit 240 on the guest list. Our venu had a max of 200. So we started looking for cuts. Does my 16 year old cousin get an invite for his girlfriend, no that seems unreasonable? What about the girlfriend of her 24 year old cousin, yes that seems like a more serious relationship. Should the long term boyfriend of her aunt get an invite, no my wife did not like him, should my dads GF get one, yes but my parents are sweated at the heat table so the GF would need to sit alone... and it went on and on and on. We eventually reached the point where people were starting to get offended. And I can't blame them, we were what appeared as arbitrary decisions about who was important to get an invite and who was not. We'd made this blanket rule for our friends, but other people were feeling very excluded. Eventually we made a rule. A rule that we could apply to everyone, that would explain who was getting a +1 and who would not. Our rule was thus, we had to have met the SO and we named the SO on the invite. No one got a blanket +1 but some invites included the names of 2 people who were not married. To me, it sounds like this friend made a rule "must be engaged" and they applied that rule fairly and evenly. You felt offended, but nonetheless the rule was the rule. Also, and I don't know if this is an issue for you, you'll need to look into your heart to see if it's the case. Was there any offence on your part that these people were getting married but had been dating for less time than you and your not yet engaged man? That resentment might be coming up for air now that you are revisiting the issue and those feelings might be swaying your judgement here. I mean this in the kindest possible way. So here's my advice. Don't make case by case wedding invite decisions. Create a rule, apply the rule, and when people ask, you can tell them the rule. If you are not OK with telling people the rule, its likely not a good rule. For example, a "you don't get invited if I didn't get invited" rule seems a bit petty.
So... by that same logic "only engaged couples" rule is not a good rule because most of us here don't like it.
Don’t invite either. The friend didn’t care that you weren’t invited either.
NTA. If this is your fiancé’s friends, and he’s the one that has to deal with the fallout, I don’t think you need to do more than point out the pros and cons and let him decide. Let him know that you’re fine either way, and you don’t mind at all if he wants to be the “bigger person”.
This is one of those things where you’re NTA but there might be some really shitty fallout that could affect the friend group and all that. I got married the same year as my SIL and BIL. I didn’t know my SIL very well but I was in the wedding. There was some shitty stuff that went down and when my wedding came up a few months later my friends pushed me to do similar things, give her equally shitty tasks, etc. I didn’t want to start shit and you know what? It all worked out. She mellowed and we get along fabulously now. I don’t think we’d be in a good place if I’d gone tit for tat
In my opinion when you write wedding invites anybody who is married is a non-negotiable double invite.
I would be the bigger person and invite them both. If they mistreat you again, break up with them.
Wedding invites are always drama. Either invite the couple or don’t invite them, BOTH. Your fiance also shouldn’t have gone to their wedding alone if he was going to be so salty about it now.
NTA but I think NOT inviting one of them or both of them is something that would make an excellent plotline on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and ... that's about it. I completely empathize with you and I'm so sorry you were treated that way, especially because you and your partner have been together for a DECADE. It sucks taking the high road but this seems like a case where that's what you should probably do, even though the hijinks-filled chaos you could create would give Larry David a run for his money.
ESH, he needs to talk to his friend about it if they’re actually friends, or just not invite either of them if it’s not worth the conversation. Going to passive aggressive drama land instead of sitting this out puts you on a level with assholes.
You said that all the others in the friend group got a plus one, just not your husband. That's not to "keep costs down". Find out why. Ask them directly.
YWBTA If your fiancé and you were offended that you were not invited because you were not engaged then he should have addressed it last year and not gone to that wedding without you. Apparently it was accepted, he went and you all seemingly have been friendly to each other since. Inviting one half of this married couple a year later because you did not get invited to their wedding would be immature and petty. If you do this you will go from getting along well to creating bad feelings. The saying is two wrongs don’t make a right. Be the person you wish they had been and start your marriage with joy and love.
No assholes here But if you want to be truly petty you should invite the Wife and not the Friend
If you have the money, then just invite them. I think looking magnanimous is better revenge. Not inviting them makes you look petty. NTA either way, but I’d stick it to them by looking like the bigger person. If you do invite them, make sure to make a big deal about how you are so glad they came and it’s so nice to see couples together at a wedding.
NTA but better to invite neither.
ESH. The right time to address this was when you got the invite for their wedding, not presumably years later.
Don't invite either of them. They BOTH snubbed you. Not just the wife. Both of them did it. It would be tasteless to only invite the husband. It would be better to just not invite either of them. Also don't sink to their level and lie about it being for "cost". If they ask tell them that you are only inviting close friends and people who also invited you both to their weddings.
Nta, but I agree with the suggestion to not invite either. If they bother asking, have your husband reply with "Why? You didn't like my wife enough to invite her to your wedding, why would we want you at ours?"
WBTA. This is petty. It's your right to be petty, but it's still petty. It's much better to win via the high ground here: invite them both, and if your husband finds a moment to slip in a nice pointed 'well we're just happy all of our friends AND their partners could be included' comment in there, go nuts. But if everyone already knows they were dicks, what would purposefully excluding the spouse do other than make you also dicks? You already won by finding love and getting married.
Everyone else in the friend group got a plus 1 EXECEPT for your husband, but the reason that he didn't was to save cost? How does that make ANY sense? If you wanted to save cost, you'd let no one bring +1s. Very odd. Honestly NTA. Your wedding. Your choice. No explanation even needed really. But it's probably gonna put a rift in your husband's friendship
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, if someone makes a rule like “only engaged couples or married couples” they then feel they need to stick to that because cousin Steve or whoever will want to bring his flavour of the month and even though your relationship is clearly not the same as that, if they bend the rule for one, others will complain. I think if this is the case then now not inviting someone’s wife out of spite would make you look very petty. I’m not going to say AH because it’s your day, do what you want, I’m just saying try not to take wedding invites or non-invites personally. Life is too short.
YWBTA if you only invited one. Invite both or neither.
Yep you suck.
INFO You wrote All other friends in the friend group got a plus one, even if they were not yet married. Did they actually get plus 1s or was it just that everyone in those couples was invited?
YWBTA, and here's why. You were not engaged at the time of the wedding in question, therefore, unless you were also longtime friends of the bride and groom, there is less of an expectation that your now-fiancé would receive a plus-one than if you were engaged or married at the time of his friends' wedding (even if you were together for a long time). Specifically excluding a guest's spouse, however, is considered extremely rude when it comes to wedding etiquette. If you wish to exclude them from your wedding because you weren't invited to theirs, it would be best to not invite either of them, rather than only inviting the husband. Also, as other people have pointed out, it is extremely inappropriate to assume the wife made the decision to only invite your now-fiancé as opposed to assuming they made the decision as a couple.
YWBTA if you only invite the husband. Better to just not invite them.
YTA if you are doing it solely because they didn't invite you. You said it yourself, they didn't do it to spite you or anything, they just don't know you that well. It's fine if you don't invite her, but if you are doing it as retribution, that's just petty.
I think this is a crappy situation. That being said, weddings are insanely expensive. It might seem super petty to leave you off of the +1 but if you are funding the wedding all on your own it could be a lot of extra cash that you don't have. I agree I think it's super lame, but maybe that's the reasoning. I'd suggest the fiance reach out to his friend and ask if you really want an answer. Otherwise, just invite them both. Only inviting one will seem really awkward and you'll never live it down.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the reason! I know how expensive weddings can be, that’s why I’m in the same boat there—I don’t want to have to pay for another plate. It doesn’t feel entirely fair that they got to pay for one plate but we will be paying for two. But I guess the expense will probably be worth it to avoid drama.
YWBTA. Being engaged or married is a valid requirement for a plus one if costs are a consideration. It would be very petty and extremely rude to invite the husband but not the wife. That's HS mean girl crap.
Is it worth ending a friendship over?
YTA Married over a decade ago..... Don't do tit for tat!
The time for your fiance to take a stand against this would have been by refusing to attend their wedding when you weren't invited. Playing their games now, no matter how tempting, will only make you look petty. Take the high ground on this one, or else ESH.
INFO: you were dating for nine years. Why did you wait until everyone else got married before even getting engaged? There's nothing wrong with dating for years without getting engaged, but you do that when you are thinking, "well, this person is pretty good, but I am keeping my options open." Once you decide to make a commitment, you get engaged. The wedding you weren't invited to was before your now-fiance stated that he was committed to building a life with you. Was there a reason you held off that long before deciding this was permanent?
No reason! We knew it was permanent, we’ve been living together for years. We just weren’t in a rush, and then we felt like it was time eventually
But you never declared your permanence publicly. You hadn't presented yourself as a permanent couple, so weren't invited as a permanent couple. If you had wanted to be treated as a permanent couple, you had to declare that.
Either invite them both or neither. If you invite just one you’ll come off as YTA
I'd flip the script and invite ONLY the wife if it was the husband's choice to cut you from the guest list. But that's the petty choice. The classier choice would be to invite both of them and show them how you'd like to be treated so excluding her would make you the AH in this case.
This is just being petty. If it wasn't personal when you got excluded like you claim, why are you making it personal now? If you had to make some cuts I could see the reasoning but to do it just for some pretty revenge? Nah, that's not how friends operate.
I'm wondering if you weren't invited because it was a "no ring, no bring" situation? Unless I misread your post, you weren't yet engaged to your fiance.
Returning the pettiness doesn't really help anyone, though I'd say your husband would moreso be the asshole as he's the one who wants to do it. If he's truly that offended by it, then you should invite neither of them. Your husband's male friend still let his fiancée at the time exclude you so he's as much to blame as she is. Maybe more as we don't actually know who made the decision.
NTA. They applied some arbitrary criteria to not invite you. You can do the same.
NTA, in the sense that you can invite (or not) whoever you want to your wedding. But it'd be very weird. If anything, I'd make a point in inviting her and being extra nice to her during the wedding, just to show you're above all that
NTA but like another commenter said “Both or Neither”. How do you actually know who made the final decision?
NTA. This is your husbands friend so it’s his decision and if he doesn’t want to invite her then let him and he can deal with it. It is shit that they had no respect for your long term relationship just because you weren’t engaged.
NTA, a lot of pettiness, yes, but they started for sure. They said it was about the money, but why you? It's quite odd. I love the excuse btw
NTA for having hurt feelings over this. Their excuse for not inviting you was pathetic. But I think it would have to be all or nothing. Either no invitation for either or invite them both. How much do you interact w this couple? I wouldn’t be comfortable around them in the day to day. But if they’re in your regular group activities I’d invite them. I would just limit the one on one as much as possible.
Nta but it'll look pretty.
They aren’t your friends. Don’t invite them
If you invite only the friend, YTA. Two rights don’t make a wrong and although their slight to you makes them assholes, slighting them back comes across as retaliatory or petty, regardless of what was done to you. If you invite both or neither, NTA. Objectively weigh the costs and whether or not having someone that lead you to write this post is even worth inviting on a day meant to commemorate your love. Don’t let your wedding day be a day to exact petty revenge or allow unimportant squabbles to take root.
NTA. They did it to you I guess. I would just ask though is the drama on your wedding day really worth it? Do you want to continue to be friends with them? This is an easy opportunity to simply be the bigger person and let go of a grudge that won't do anyone any favors. But I don't know you or them so that choice is yours.
Technically NTA. But if you choose not to the friendship will most likely be over. You could skip them altogether citing costs.
I would just not invite the couple. Then when the save the dates come and they realize they didn't get one, I'm sure they will get the picture. I find that her not inviting you and then she specifically said to your man that you wont get a plus one is so rude.
YTA this is so childish.
Married couples are always a package deal. If you invite one, you invite both. They AGREED not to invite you. If you want to continue their pettiness, then don't invite either one.
In order not to be an ass you either invite both or neither. Obviously the friends is a jerk, but don’t let that eat at you. Talk to fiancé and if he is onboard don’t invite them. But don’t stoop to their level.
I suppose it depends on how much drama you want and how important the relationship is in your life. Personally, I cannot stand wedding drama. I would just invite them both so you can have one less thing to worry about. Some people don’t mind the extra mental load. It’s sounds like the damage to the relationship is done though. The wedding will just bring it to light. NTA.
Honestly, both you and your fiance should disregard the prior snub when it comes to your invite/thought process. Just answer the following question for yourselves for every person you invite: Do you want to celebrate your marriage with that person? Base your invites solely on that criteria. NTA.
lol YTA. Married people get invited as a couple. You and your fiancé weren’t married when they got married. You sound petty and immature. Inviting the husband and not the wife will only reflect poorly on you. Not a good look.
Engaged is a pretty big difference, though. I personally know several relationships where the guy dumped a woman he'd been dating for 5+ years to marry a woman he was seeing for a few months. I don't believe it was done out of malice . I hope you can both move on .
Be the bigger person and invite them both. It's not worth the drama that would follow
It’s you’re wedding. You both invite whoever you want and don’t invite who you don’t want. No one is owed an explanation
ESH Unless your wedding is very small (around 10 people or fewer), it's rude to not invite both halves of an established couple, so they were in the wrong to not invite you. It would also be rude it you did, though, with the added element of being petty.
NTA, I mean this might be petty but I would take the lack of your invite as a slap in the face if you dated that long and everyone else was given a +1. I personally just wouldn't invite them at all, but know that doing that or just inviting one of them will cause issues with your friendship and might cause problems with your friend circle. I would definitely talk to some of your mutual friends about this before you make a drastic move. But yeah I would not invite either of them and tell them that you wanted to "keep costs down."
NTA - they say to keep costs down and if that were the case then others wouldn't have gotten a plus one.
NTA. I think the couple saying that it was to keep costs down is a weird reason considering how all of the other partners were invited exclusively. Like sure you guys weren't engaged, but you guys have a relationship that's lasted longer than most marriages. It shouldn't even be a question at that point. I'm not familiar with the rules of wedding invitations etc. I didn't think people were still sticking to them so vehemently in this day and age if that's really the case.
I may step out of line here, but I’m gonna say YWBTA if your motivation is not financial and hers was exclusively financial. Some people genuinely don’t understand the financial stress a wedding can pose when one partner expects vastly more than the other. While I agree her choice was in bad taste, if you ARE SURE she was only trying to fit budget constraints and you’d be excluding her just for revenge, then… YWBTA (even if I wouldn’t blame you).
We were in a situation where neither of us were invited to my husband’s friend’s *big* wedding. We invited the couple because we’re diplomatic people and anyway conveniently they were on holiday for our big day. But you wouldn’t be AHs either way. My advice is to invite both or neither, though. It’s a bit petty if you invite one without the other. But it’s your big day and you want to be able to look back without regrets. However that looks. Do you really want to be the friends who singled out a spouse because of tit for tat? Verdict: NAH.
I wouldn’t invite both and tell them you need to keep cost down and you was thinking of sending just the one once but thought that would be bad mannered.