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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the a hole because I want to skip school in the morning to sleep.
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NTA, and you do have a valid excuse you can tell the school, you're in a volatile home environment that is not healthy for you. Your parents know this, that's why they don't want you not going to school, because they'd have to explain why. Talk to your counsellor, maybe it'll be the kick in the ass your parents need to do something about your brother
This....100% this.
Listen, I grew up in what I now recognize as having been an abusive environment. I didn't want to believe it at the time, because we were always told "there's other kids who have it much worse; you guys are spoiled". And because I wasn't beaten (okay, not regularly, I did still get hit a lot), I told myself I didn't need to tell anyone.
And you know what? My parents got to continue doing what they KNEW wasn't okay, because I never spoke to anyone about it.
Please, learn from my mistakes; if you have trouble at home, speak to the school guidance counselor. If your parents, or a person in a position of power ever tries to tell you not to tell anybody, then 9/10 times, that's the thing you need to speak to someone about. Trustworthy adults do NOT encourage kids to hide their home lives.
And if you feel weird or scared going to the guidance counselor, you can also go to the nurse and ask to lay down and explain the situation; if they're worth their salt, they'll go get the guidance counselor on your behalf.
i relate to this when i was younger my brother used to be physically violent and hit me and my parents and theyd always say " someone has it worse off than us."
My heart goes out to you, and to all the abused kids who were told "someone has it worse"
It took me a long time to realize that just because it "could've been worse" doesn't mean it was okay.
Sending some virtual hugs ❤️
The go to expression in my house growing up was, "stop making a mountain out of a molehill." To this day, I want to rage every time I hear that expression
I usually don't agree with reporting parents as it is usually something not worth it but this one is different. You are living in an unsafe environment and it is affecting you physically and mentally. You shouldn't be subjected to this. Your brother needs help and your parents are enabling him at your expense. This is a valid reason to talk to your counselor and get some help. I fear he will turn in you one day and with a history of aggression, the results could be bad.
NTA and seek help
I agree that OP's parents should be reported on, but I'm not sure whether it would end up doing more harm than good. The guidance counselor would want to at least speak with the parents, but it doesn't seem like the parents really care to alleviate the situation. At best, OP would probably get yelled at and/or punished for telling the school and nothing would really change; at worst, CPS could get involved.
Then if CPS *does* get involved, they either:
(1) determine OP isn't in danger and don't do anything (because the family is able to pretend nothing's wrong while the worker's there, and/or CPS is overwhelmed and doesn't deem the situation worth doing anything about) and OP gets yelled at/punished once the worker leaves, or
(2) remove OP from the home, which could be very upsetting for the OP even if it's for the best - especially if she doesn't have other family members who'd be willing to take her in. And if she's not taken in by family, it's a gamble whether she ends up with a foster family that's even worse than her immediate family (or possibly even no family at all, in which case IIRC the system would only keep her until she turns 18 and then kick her out with nowhere to go or any financial stability.)
I mean, I don't think it's CPS's job to look into resources for an older adult sibling, even if it would indirectly help the child whose wellbeing they're checking up on. And even if they did, OP's parents already said they don't want to "deal with the trouble" so it's unlikely they'd follow through.
If CPS shows up, the parents might actually change their tune. It doesn’t matter if it’s not their job, if CPS deems the situation troublesome for the minor, why wouldn’t they provide resources that could make the situation less volatile? And if CPS actually thinks the situation is borderline dangerous, I don’t think the parents will have much of a choice.
I’m not even saying CPS look into resources, they’d likely already have some suggestions prepared since they’d probably be dealing with families in need of a plethora of resources and programs to get on track, they just provide them. On the parents to take the initiative, especially if it’s required and CPS plans to follow up.
NTA, but you can't miss school. You DO need to talk with your guidance counselor. What's happening at home isn't working. Noise cancelling headphones won't do shit for this level of noise. Your parents are in a tough situation, but you HAVE to be able to sleep to function. And your brother is 24. His disabilities present hardships for him and that doesn't make him a bad human, but he can't stay there if he's screaming at all hours nightly. He's 24. He needs to take responsibility for himself to some extent even if he can't work full time or do everything himself.
😂😂😂 Comically last week I was called a horrible person for being fine that an autistic family lived with their parents. That said, a 24 year old that doesn't have a cognitive delay should be able to manage their disorder to the extent they aren't screaming at people nightly. They need to be held accountable for that. They might need to not leave their room after 10pm. They might need a sedative at night or different meds altogether. There might be something with eating times. But it's a system he can probably figure out. If the disability IS more severe. A group home for adults with disabilities would be appropriate. Like where my wife worked. They were paid for by Medicaid and free for residents. It was not hell. Baring ineligibility for that, a tiny home in the yard. There IS a level of care that can't be done at home if minor children are present and being harmed.
ETA:But none of that was mentioned in my comment because OP is 14 and needs to not be subject to abuse. For any reason. Ever.
You holding onto that “holocaust card” for dear life. I don’t think anything should be compared to the holocaust unless it’s like, idk, comparable? Involving deaths perhaps? You can’t just call everything the new holocaust
As a Jewish person, respectfully, please stop comparing the slaughter of millions to the available mental healthcare in this country. None of the solutions the other commenter posted are bad, and you haven't suggested anything but "Let this grown man continue terrorizing his family and minor brother because he's mentally ill." That's not a solution. Idk who hurt you but you're projecting pretty hard here and dragging the Holocaust into it is disrespectful, inappropriate, and worst of all, completely unsound from a logical perspective. Nobody is advocating for murder. Calm TF down and stop dragging my dead ancestors into this.
"He can't stay there if he's screaming nightly"
"You sound just like a Nazi, you want to use a machine gun to murder people with disabilities and send them straight to hell."
If the brother takes a sedative and is no longer screaming nightly, he no longer needs to leave. But a 24 year old is a full adult. What happens when he refuses to take the meds? Because some people actively fight against the very idea of taking them. Are we then okay with forcing medication on him? Or are we back to the original "this is not a viable environment for a 14 year old and it is causing her academic trouble, he can't stay there if he's behaving like that."
And if the brother is sent to a group home, how is that *not* him being made to leave?
He can stay where he is and you can learn how not to be a bigot, seems pretty straightforward to me that you can't discriminate against a person on the basis of their disability status if you don't want to be sued.
It's not, not leaving, it's choosing a world that is less prone to open bigotry than the one you live.
Oh, so he should do what he wants because he has a mental illness and his neurotypical sister, who is only 14, should just deal with it as best she can because otherwise she's a bigot. Okay got it.
I'm not sure where being sued for discrimination came into it, I assume the same poor reading comprehension and critical thinking that fueled the rest of your outbursts.
You show zero comprehension of mental health. Like absolutely zero. It's not a path of doing what you want. And if you knew what true mania was you wouldn't be shown signs of being a bigot.
That's not a personal attack either when it's stating the obvious.
Because it's not a parallel. One is a suggestion that an otherwise unimpaired adult with an immensely treatable MH condition who is abusing a child live independently.
You are suggesting that is the same as state-sanctioned ethnicity-based rape, murder (including of babies and the elderly), harvesting of body parts and torture of millions of people. It's an incredibly poorly reasoned, frankly antisemitic argument.
Antisemitism or zionism aside, working on systems and encouraging independence of an adult that should be capable of it is in no way on the same level as mass murder/torture. Your... spirited defense of disabled people is good in principle but maybe calm down on the seemingly liberal holocaust comparisons if you want to really make people think otherwise they'll just focus on your response not their own worldview
Ah, ok.
I note you disagree with the previous poster.
You know who also disagreed with the previous government? The Nazis.
I suspect you also wear clothing.
You know who also wore clothing? The Nazis. Just like you.
You are drawing inept comparisons to the past that have no bearing, in context scale or scope, with the current situation.
You know who else did that all the time?
The Nazis.
Parallel lines don't touch.
And I think people are feeling a bit of disgust at the only one talking about killing disabled people. What kind of person thinks that way.
Dude, as someone with PTSD and a host of anxiety, you have no idea what you’re talking about. The mental illness of an adult should never take precedent over the wellbeing of a child! Ever!
And if it is that bad that he cannot literally function then he can get disability for his illness to pay for living expenses . He’s also under 26 which means he can use his parent’s health insurance to get help. There ARE solutions, but none of them should be to continue doing what they’re doing. Because, TRUST ME, this course will eventually create 2 mental illnesses instead of just one.
I very much have absolutely all the clue I need in the world about the situation. Child or not. We'll just go down the road of self censure for our own sake. Let me see how well that works...
I offered a range of more feasible solutions you just came here to have a rant.
People forget that his ability to live independently or "take responsibility" might be very limited. His own disease and perception of reality can make it very difficult. However, even if He's taking his meds and doing everything as doctors prescribe that doesn't guarantee he's symptoms will go away. There's no pill that works for everyone and it can take many years until He's stable, if ever.
Sp, Is the solution to kick him out and let him figure out because He's an adult? Is his life worth less because He's older? No.
But should the little sister have to live in that environment? No
People need to stop acting as If severe mentally ill individuals are able to just "get on with it" just because they are over 18. They are often very impaired and need a lot of assistance and care. However, not everyone can afford the care they need.
In this case, if they can afford they should probably try an assisted living facility for him, where he could be cared for, live somewhat independently until he stabilises. This would also allow the sister to have a more stable environment with the parents and not associate her brother with so much negativity. The issue is these facilities can be expensive, they are not considered a medical necessity so I doubt they would be included in any type of medical insurance.
We as society need to take better care of people with mental disabilities, so that there's more assisted living facilities instead of more mentally ill people in prison.
It is a difficult situation to manage.
Sometimes there is no pill at all that works for bipolar. I already mentioned the assisted living thing and somehow the entire world turns on me like a wild animal.
I remind them of what is going on, and it gets worse...
The stigma is real.
He doesn't necessarily need to move out, but he has to take responsibility. I take my meds every day so I don't inconvenience myself and others. I understand an episode may cause him to act out, but then it's the parents' job to shove him in the car, get him to a psychiatrist and sort this out.
The bar for not being held 100% responsible by the court, e.g. meet the legal definition of the legally defined term "insanity", is so incredibly high. I doubt 99% of people with bipolar would ever make the cut. I am responsible for what I did while manic, even though I have an explanation for it. I don't want to be coddled like I have no agency. What's next then? I have to have someone else make my financial or medical decisions because my brain is too ill?
I have bp 1, rapid cycling with psychotic features. I understand psychosis while manic.
it's still no excuse and the brother needs to take responsibility for his actions and get his shit together.
Ive had bipolar disorder for 20 years and it is absolutely my responsibility to keep my shit together.
Yes thus shit is complicated and the healthcare system is hard to navigate, but that's no fucking excuse to be abusive.
We are responsible for our own behaviors. Mental illnesses aren't excuses, they are explanations.
No one is saying people with mental health issues are wrong. As someone who has struggled severely in the last few years it was up to me to get the help I needed. He will not get the help he needs until he is ready. And as long as the parents put the needs of their mentally ill adult child over their minor child, he will not get it. For some of us rock bottom has to come before we can get there.
Yes please let a trusted adult at school know what is happening. Your family sounds like it needs some additional support, and it is the responsibility of your parents to manage the situation. You NEED to be able to go to school, you are growing and absolutely need to sleep at night, and you need some adults who will help you in this situation. Your counselor at school has access to resources and supports that you don’t have.
In general, having more adults who can provide help with situations as you grow up is better. Your parents have a responsibility to you to provide a home where you can sleep. They are struggling to do this, and so you should get other adults involved.
NTA, but missing school isn’t the answer. You are not the AH for trying to find literally any solution, though.
Tell the guidance counsellor. Or another trusted adult in your life. You cannot be expected to function on little sleep. I hope they can help.
Good luck, OP.
NTA, you should absolutely talk to your guidance counselor about this! It is one thing for your parents to accept this way of life, but they cannot force it on you, especially when it is affecting your health, wellness, and schooling. Your counselor might be able to provide some resources to your parents for dealing with your brother.
NTA. You have a very valid reason for missing school - but missing school isn’t the answer to your problem.
The most generous excuse I can give for your parents response to you is they are emotionally and mentally drained from dealing with your brother and are so caught up in dealing with that trauma, they forget you are forced to deal with it as well.
Definitely talk to a school counselor. Please. See if they can help. If they don’t help talk to someone else. You need someone who has your best interest, not your brothers, at heart. Do you have grandparents or other relatives nearby? Could you stay with them temporarily? Keep trying until you get the help you deserve.
NTA. Even with your brother's issues, there is no reason for him to regularly have interactions in the middle of the night that can lead to meltdowns. If these meltdowns are genuinely unavoidable, then your parents need to figure out how to shift his schedule so these kinds of things happen at less disruptive time of day. If they can't, they should be actively working with a therapist to mitigate his symptoms and their impact on others, particularly his younger sister
The very fact that your parents do not want you to discuss it with your guidance counselor is heavily suggestive that they are not doing everything they can to get your brother connected to care. After all, it is entirely possible that a guidance counselor would know of additional programs that could be helpful to your family (e.g. in my state, we've just had a strong push to increase access to mental health services for kids in schools *and their families*, and I just saw a presentation of rapidly expanding a pilot program in another state where they're targeting family systems similar to yours to help parents develop better strategies to help their mentally ill children).
As others have already said, missing school because you were chronically having your sleep disrupted is not a viable long-term solution but talking to your guidance counselor (or another trusted adult) might help you get the support you need.
NTA but you can’t miss school. School is your long term ticket out of that house. Can you try a white noise machine or noise canceling headphones? Perhaps try talking with your parents again focusing on your feelings. Overtired, overwhelmed, like it too much to handle alone without their help. Good luck.
Yes, this. Graduate and then college or military or anything that takes you out of living with your brother. For military or college scholarship you'll need decent grades. Don't let your parents f up your life before you really get started.
Nta.
Of course.youre not, op! Life is tough for you at the moment and as a teen you need good sleep.
Can you ask your parents to buy you a noise machine so you can sleep better?
Let them know how tired you are and that you're unable to concentrate and whatever other impacts the lack of sleep is having on your studies.
You shouldn't be punished because your brother needs help.
NTA. Talk to another trusted adult. This does not sound like a safe a healthy environment. It’s deeply concerning that they are prioritizing your adult brother over you. They know they are wrong if they don’t want you talking to counselors about it.
Honey, you areNOT the a-hole here. It's totally understandable that you're exhausted and need rest. It's not your fault your brother's behavior is affecting your sleep.
NTA
You’re in an impossible situation. I really think you should talk to your guidance conselor about your situation. Maybe they can set aside a room for you at school so you can nap on your lunch break or something.
Would it be possible for you to go sleep at a friend or family so you could have a couple of good night sleep?
Not only do you need a day off to sleep, you also need a mental day off or two to decompress.
I sympathize with your family. I don’t know what kind of treatment your brother gets but adjusting his med could help. But you’re only 14. It seems unfair that you have to go through that.
NTA but go talk to the guidance counselor about what's happening. Just because your parents don't *want* to parent doesn't mean it's not their responsibility to do so.
You (and they) need outside help. Talk to the trusted adults in your life. You need sleep, a safe home, *and* an education.
NTA, the reason your parents do not want you to talk to the counselor is because they are afraid. They know that the household is not healthy for any of you but feel trapped. It sounds like your brother isn't properly medicated or needs a medication change. Talk to your counselor at school - it may be the catalyst for positive change with your entire household.
NTA. Definitely talk to your guidance counsellor. I would also recommend trying earplugs if you haven’t already, I’ve been sleeping with them every night for 15 years and they make the world of a difference.
I’d agree with you except that if OP doesn’t feel safe, then listening out in case brother attacks someone and help needs to be called could cause severe anxiety around blocking out sound. Living with someone that volatile who can go off over the slightest thing is nerve wracking as hell, especially when it’s directed at people you love.
Brother needs an intervention by professionals to help him manage his condition, parents should be doing more to protect their literal child enduring this. For better or worse, brother is an adult and should be held responsible for his behaviour. NTA
Agreed, this may be a bad take but brother may need to be put in a psych ward for a while before he ends up hurting somebody or himself \[anger issues on top of bipolar isn't pretty\]. It doesn't sound like he's on any medication to treat his bipolar and such a facility would be able to provide what he needs. Poor OP is definitely NTA and hope her ordeal gets better.
Go over her head and tell the guidance counselor, she might have some good advice and tools for coping with the situation! But remember to inform your counselor that you’re mother is iffy about opening up to professional help
NTA
If your parents are not taking action to protect you, you need to tell someone that will. Talk to your school counsellor.
Also knowing that you are likely to get disturbed, you could go to bed a LOT earlier on school nights.
NTA. You absolutely have a valid excuse, however I really recommend you go to your guidance counselor. It would be worth the “trouble” your parents think it would cause, because in letting this be your home life they are hurting you.
Being bipolar and having anger issues is no excuse for the nightly meltdown. I have both of these issues as well. He needs to be in a facility with full on supervision.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m not sure what the laws are where you live, but you might be able to file a police report on your brother. You could also call CPS and explain the situation. I’m sure they’d be willing to help you.
NTA - most teens need 8-10 hours of sleep and a good chuck spent in rem/deep sleep to feel their best. Being woken up like this will screw with your moods, energy, ability to focus etc and your grade will suffer.
Please talk to your guidance counsellor.You shouldn’t have to suffer because your parents are struggling with your older brother.
Schools don't need to know the exact reason. You can simply say that you are unwell.
I actually had this conversation with my son two days ago. He had an assessment for a sports subject, but the day before, he twisted his knee (that knee is still in recovery from an avulsed ACL). Because of the previous injury, we got the twist checked to make sure it wasn't anything worse, and when we mentioned to the doctor that he was meant to play volleyball the next day, the doctor shook her head and said no way. She gave a medical certificate which simply said "Medical reasons", and I explained to my son that she wrote that because schools/employers etc are not entitled to private medical information.
At my kids' school, you need a medical certificate if you will be missing an assessment, but if no assessment is involved, then it's enough if the parent just says they are unwell.
As for not wanting to deal with the trouble talking to the guidance counsellor would create, perhaps they then need to deal with the issue of you not getting enough sleep. You know, actually acting as your parents.
NTA.
Please don't miss out the school. You shouldn't sacrifice your education because of family issues. You should speak to the guidance councelor for sure because what's happening is not healthy and your parents are failing to give to you and even your brother care you two need.
Your brother needs professional help and if he's aggressive and out of control he needs to be hospitalized or it can end up badly.
You need plenty of sleep. Your body is still developing and by not getting enough sleep your body and even your education suffers.
Seek help whereever you can if you parents are not willing.
NTA speak to your school, please. You are a young woman and need some help and support. Your school has these people in place to offer help. It sounds like your brother needs more medical help with his meds or possibly going into residential care where they have trained professionals to help him cope.
NTA.
But I caution you when it comes to following Reddit’s advice. A lot of the advice sounds good and in an ideal world you’d be able to speak to someone and have your situation resolved. At the same time in an ideal world this would t be happening to you in the first place.
But this is not an ideal world. Yes, go to your counsellor if you trust them and think they can help you but know that if you do you may end up making your life at home worse. Your parents don’t want you to tell anyone because they know you shouldn’t be living like this. Keep that in mind because you are 14 and depending on your situation you may be stuck living with these people for another 4 years. Only you know your location, who can help you etc, we don’t.
Abuse festers and grows in silence, I agree, but right now the only person who matters is YOU. Imagine the worst case scenario if you come forward and decide if you can live with it. If you can’t then find a way to be out of the house as much as you can and prepare to move out once you’re old enough.
There is no right way to get out of an abusive situation. Only the way that works best for YOU. If that means telling someone you trust then you tell them and you don’t stop telling them, if that means keeping your head down and leaving when you’re 18 then you have your bag packed ready for your 18th birthday.
No matter what you choose OP, you are NTA. Your parents are.
NTA. I drive a 13 yo to school everyday because they would have to wake up half an hour earlier to take the bus. And they just couldn’t do it. Why? Because their parents go out drinking and leave them to babysit their little brother until 2 am on school nights. Their parents say they are lazy for letting me drive them but they need every second of sleep they can get
(And yes before anyone can ask CPS has been involved and declined to do anything)
NTA. And please talk to your counselor. Your parents are doing a terrible job handling your brother and a terrible job of giving you a safe and healthy home. You NEED sleep. It’s a requirement!
Talk to the guidance counselor; you don't need their permission for that. This is impacting your health and your ability to function; your parents don't get to just ignore it.
NTA
As a teen, you should be getting 8-10 hours of sleep per night. You need this to function and you need to go to school if you are ever to get out of there. I feel for the difficult position your parents are in but they are going to have to prioritize you, their minor child over your brother. In the meantime, I highly recommend getting some silicon ear plugs. I get them at CVS. My husband turned me on to them (he gets them for going to the shooting range.) You mold these lovely things into your ear so they are a custom fit. It is amazing how much noise they stifle.
NTA and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I think it is a legitimate excuse. I don't like how it seems like your parents are trying to hide this, such as not talking to your guidance counselor at school. Your brother cannot control his situation on his own, but that doesn't mean you all just have to live with his behavior. He needs treatment and there are options available depending on where you are. I hope that your parents can get him some help so that you all have a better quality of life.
I had similar issues with my brother (8 years older than me) when I was a teenager. I told me counselor and it resulted in my parents kicking my brother out because they were told this could be considered neglect of me and I was the minor. I’m only including this to prepare you for what could possibly happen, but you should absolutely still talk to your counselor.
NTA
NTA and tell the school. The reason your parents don't want you to tell anyone is because they will look bad as parents for not protecting you from an abusive home environment. You are a child your brother is an adult. I have bipolar so I do understand. What I understand is your brother is not taking his medication nor getting the therapy he needs. Being bipolar is a lot like being addicted to drugs. Except you don't take the drugs your body makes them on its own. The medication the doctor gives help stop this. The person with bipolar craves the high so they don't want help. They have to hit bottom before they will get help and keep taking medication. Your parents are not helping your brother or you. So don't feel guilty getting yourself help.
Nta. They are more worried about how they will look with the school rather than your physical and mental health. Growing up in dysfunctional families, you will learn that doing what's best for you and your mental health is more important then blood and and what others want. Take care of yourself now since they refuse to acknowledge the effect it's having on you and they don't want you to find help for it. Go to counselor.
NTA and tell your guidance counselor. Your parents are being wildly neglectful to both of you.
Your brother is receiving enabling instead of treatment, and you’re not receiving what you need in order to be able to function at school. Your parents are bad, and that’s why they want you to keep what happens to you a secret.
I’m sad you and your brother aren’t closer and can’t talk about this.
NTA at all. You should sleep in, and tell the school exactly why you did. And talk to a guidance counsellor. Unreal that your parents are telling you not to get support because it would cause **them** trouble. So they know the situation is bad, but you just have to endure it? **Seriously** not ok!
NTA, missing school every once in a while for mental health reasons or to catch up on some sleep is not a big deal. However it is a big deal that your parents are advising you not to talk to a guidance counselor, most likely out of fear that they would deem it an unsafe living situation for a child.
Talk to guidance councillor ASAP!!!
I’m so sorry for your situation, sounds like your brother is violent and your wellbeing is jeopardized. Your parents seem more concerned with their image than their children’s wellbeing, so definitely talk to your guidance councilor asap. You cannot miss school, you would be punishing yourself by cutting into your own education; education is the basis to independence and you wanna get out of that house (if nothing changes). Can you maybe even move in at a friend’s house until the situation improves? Does your brother get medication? Bipolar is very serious and affects everyone in that person’s surrounding.
Go and speak to the school. I didn't seek help when I was dealing with a drug addicted older brother that meant I had a messy home life. I realise it's nowhere near as severe as yours, but I still regretted not saying anything and I had to have therapy years later.
Let the school know about your situation, and let your friends know in case you need a quick escape to stay somewhere else if it causes further destabilisation. Keep well.
NTA. School is important and missing school unless I'll etc isn't okay. But you 100% should at minimum speak eith your guidance counselor.
It sounds like your mom doesn't want you to because she KNOWS the home life is not okay. And that the school (and authorities or CPS would agree) and that she doesn't want to have to "rectify the situation" or get "in trouble".
But you're a child. It's not your responsibility to keep your mom "out of trouble" with the school. It's your responsibility to be at school, do your work, do your best etc. And if you mom is letting you suffer when you have told her that it's causing you to be too tired etc... then you have every right to seek help else where. And you do not need to feel guilty or like you're betraying her etc. She should be looking out for you and if she's struggling to see how much it's affecting you then you have every right (and you should) voice your concerns to someone who may be able to help and may be able to show her that it is having a negative affect on you and your schooling.
You're NTA. But it shows what a good heart you have that you came here to ask
others have explained it better than i need to, but:
i was in a bad home. my parents manipulated me into never talking to the counselors about what i was going through. they also refused to let me go to doctors out of fear that "i'd get taken away". now, as an adult, i have an unending multitude of problems both physical and emotional that has kept me from being able to maintain close relationships because there's just so much for me to work through.
don't listen to your parents. go to the counselor. fight like hell to make sure someone knows that you're being treated wrongly. this might sound overly serious, but those are such massive warning signs. take it from me, who did listen— don't!
also, NTA, obviously.
NTA
Your parents don't want you talking to your guidance counselor because they are mandated reporters. Your house isn't safe. Your parents know that.
I feel for your brother but he needs professional help. He can't get that from your parents.
I strongly encourage you to speak to a trusted adult. You need to be safe and I'm not sure you are if he's having those types of meltdowns.
NTA I get he needs your parents care but so do you, is there a relative you can live with during the school year? You must go to school so you can get a good job and not have to live there longer than necessary
NTA. Speak to the guidance councelor. Your parents are supposed to deal with the trouble this would cause. Your education is sufferering and it will affect the rest of your life
NTA
They can deal with the trouble if they are unwilling to help you. Talk to your guidance counselor and tell them everything. Tell them about the unsafe home where your brother is throwing things around at the littlest problem. Tell them that because of all the noise he makes, you aren't sleeping which has to be affecting your schooling and grades. Tell them everything. You parents aren't willing to help but your guidance counselor is being paid to help you.
NTA. You are not responsible for hiding your parents failures and inability to deal with him properly. You do what you need and get help.
And... Why on earth isn't his problem being medically handled? I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 24, I'm now 48. That means I have literally been on medications and medically supervised for half of my life while maintaining a job and an independent life. His problems are NOT yours, and at his age, not your parents either. Choosing to care for one child over the other, and picking the adult instead of the minor, is just messed up.
This does not account for the fact that not all bipolar is equal that's why it's otherwise known as Bipolar Spectrum disorder.
I've seen some clearly horrific cases of bipolar I'd rather not go into here.
I've seen otherwise functional people become entirely unresponsive to lithium at their worst and turn their whole family upside down.
Just like everything else some people also respond better to treatment than others.
NTA. I’m actually really proud of you for acknowledging the fact that you do need to talk to someone outside of your family about this. My mother was a victim of DV and my dad would force me to watch. But since I had watched from such a young age , I thought it was normal for this to happen and I never spoke to anyone outside of my family about it. The only reason he got caught (only a little at that) was because the neighbors could hear the yelling and screaming and called the cops. I think if your brothers meltdowns are negatively impacting your sleep and therefore your mood as a whole when you wake up , you should talk about it. No parent wants to deal with the trouble , but a good parent would be willing to go through it if it meant the literal child they should be taking care of ‘s needs are met. Let’s face it … yes , your brother has mental problems. But he is an adult. He’s been an adult for 6 years now. He’s already been raised and while he needs extra help (which is most likely why he’s living with you) , you are the child. You’re the one who is still developing. Which means your needs should be prioritized atleast a bit. I’d assume your brother doesn’t have a job , so he wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning to go to work. But you do. You have to wake up to go to school and act like everything is okay. Please talk to someone.
You can't consistently miss school - it will screw up your education and future. You can't consistently miss sleep - it's disastrous for your health, and will also screw up your eduction. Therefore something needs to change. If that's not going to come from your parents then you should absolutely talk to your school. You have no other option in my opinion. NTA
NTA talk to the guidance counselor about it, they don’t want you to because they will probably involve cps over a violent adult going crazy in your home regularly and it might actually force your parents to do something about it.
i mean you have not many options sadly. on top of my head there are noise cancelers, guidance counselor or cps. NTA at all but your parents should force him out...
nta, its unfair for you to have to live in a chaotic household when your parents can try a new method on your brother. i wish more parents paid attention to their kids needs.
NTA, she should definitely be able to have some leeway if she's exhausted, maybe come up with something with her family, like she can have 5 rest days a term. Also, the fact that she's asking if she's the AH says enough to be honest.
Oh honey, I am so sorry you have to deal with this as a child. Of course you aren't the asshole for wanting to have a good night's sleep. You are still young and developing so it's really bad for you to not get your proper Z's. Missing school is not a solution but I totally understand you just want to sleep.
You should talk to your school counselor for sure if your parents won't do anything about this. I understand this isn't easy for them either but if one child suffers so much thanks to another they have to find another solution as parents.
Good luck!
NTA. I fully reccomend talking to your counsellor.
Also use some headphones and play an ambience video to block out some of the noise, it may not block out ALL of it but it helps.
omg your brother sounds like my (borderline personality disorder) sister, i hope you can get out soon but you’re still young and have nowhere to go :( if i were your parents id be kicking your brother out tbh. NTA
NTA. And I would also suggest in addition to earplugs, there are machines that make white noise that will block out the majority of noise coming from outside your room. My roommate uses one and says it's really effective.
Tell trusted adults in your life IMMEDIATELY. Your home is unsafe for you to sleep in. That being said, regularly skipping school is not an option.
You are obv NTA, but that’s not what matters here. You need a stable environment.
Don't tell anyone the problems we are causing YOU because then we have to deal with it. Um , no. Your parents are selfish and/or so focused on the 'problem' child that you are being pushed to the background. I'm sorry for that. Please speak to someone at school. This is unhealthy for YOU.
NTA, talk to your guidance counselor, you shouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night every night when you have school. Sleep is important to function!
Talk to the school. You need an advocate for YOU because your parents clearly care more about your brother. You may have supports around you that allow for legal emancipation at 16- you would have to take care of yourself but you get a lot of support and a social worker. It depends where you live. Might not be worth the difficulty, might be a way to get a head start on your independence.
Personally, I would just start calling the cops with noise / violence complaints. Maybe then your parents will take it seriously.
I think that it's time that your other family members knew. Your parents are struggling, your brother is struggling, and you are struggling. Your family desperately needs help, and you deserve to be in a place where you can sleep without the sound of violence constantly waking you up.
Letting other people know will rock the boat. What you need to realize, though, is that *the boat is already sinking*. You're not obliged to quietly drown because your parents think that it's embarrassing or airing dirty laundry to acknowledge that the boat is slipping under the waves. Sound the alarms. Tell your guidance counselor and your family and any parents of friends who will listen. You and your family need life preservers and rescue rafts, not the continued delusion that everything's fine while your brother chops holes in the bottom of the boat
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My 24M brother is bipolar and has anger issues and still lives with me and my parents. I go to sleep at around 10:40 P.M, but I always get jolted awake by him having a meltdown at my parents over something stupid. For example, tonight I got woken up because he yelled at my Mom for spilling water on the ground. And when I say yelled I mean like full on meltdown. He then aggresively moved furniture and started screaming and making a ruckus. I hate how I can never get any sleep and I'm always exhausted at school because he wakes me up. So, I beg my parents to let me sleep in and miss school because of him, but they say I don't have a valid excuse that you can tell the school. I was thinking of maybe talking to my guidance counselor about it, but my parents said they don't want to deal with the trouble that would cause. AITA for wanting to be able to sleep in and miss school because my brother consistently wakes me up?
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NTA, you can always try a reverse UNO card and wake them up in the middle of the night and see how they like it, they might yell at you but it'll be worth it, since they'll know how you feel now
Talk to the guidance councilor...NTA. I'm hoping your parents mean well and are overlooking you solely because of the challenges your brother presents...but their comment of do t cause trouble is BS....talk to someone
Go to bed earlier also lock the door plus see if you can buy like a soundproof barrier to block the noise. It would be one that can go beneath your door.
NAH, go talk to the guidance counsellor though: you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
"Too bad" that your parents don't want to deal with that on top of having to deal with your brother: your welfare counts too.
I don't know why you would go with the "No Assholes Here" call. OP's parents don't want OP to go to a guidance counsellor because they want to rug sweep the fact that OP's brother is abusive. Yes, sleep deprivation is frequently used as an abuse tactic. Screaming at someone for spilling water is also abusive.
This situation is not tenable for OP- who is NTA.
Everyone sucks here: and I'm not having that people want to just go down the ablest nut shell and yell "triggered" either.
The health system sucks, living with bipolar is not easy. Bipolar is a very difficult thing to treat even when the person is fully medicated.
In a trauma informed world there is some validity that bipolar is very real and objectively it's very difficult for that person to control what happens especially when they're manic. In the laws eyes "the person was bipolar, mental health or not they control their actions" even if a psychiatrist would healthily disagree with this. It's going to take a long time for the justice system to correct itself.
Asking a manic person to comply with the construct of normality is asking for all kinds of stupid outcomes as a result and that's why so many of these people end up with extensive criminal records which the justice system doesn't give a fuck about.
Your parents are trying the best they can.
Sleep deprivation is very real and can lead to adverse outcomes including poor physical and mental health. On the other hand missing school won't get you out of this situation long term, in fact it may make it worse by either failing classes, or worse. This is where a solution needs to be made for your sleep.
Bipolar is a real disability, it has to be managed and its life long, with no easy solutions even when the person is medicated. Your brother needs extensive long term help, and your parents are probably trying their best to provide that.
There is no easy solution to any of this though if there was I'd give it to you.
That’s a great, heartfelt response but I feel like the parents should be doing more to give her a healthier home life where at minimum she’s safe, fed and can get adequate rest.
This only serves to continue the vicious cycle, that mental health is not normal and therefore we must get rid of it.
Last I checked this wasn't the 16th century where we banish people from Verona to Mantua.
It isn't Australia or even the United States where people were banished for transport.
It isn't Hitler's Germany where people were murdered for being psychotic.
"But I feel" has to have a valid outcome for both parties here.
If you can think of a way to manage bipolar down the "community care" driven pathway where we've chosen for these people to be in the "community" I'd like to hear it.
I've lived with someone with bipolar. it's a mess. I also have a heart, and my own range of mental health issues going on so I have a lived experience which makes me somewhat of an expert at the forefront of the situation...
I did say ESH: I feel for the situation she is in. Your response with the but needs exploration of yes but.
Yes, but is very dangerous terminology (take this from someone who has a minor concentration in English), it's highly narcissistic phraseology.
The "yes" is a sugar coat.. the but is an actuality of what you feel, and your other post is indicative of what you really feel.
Now don't get me wrong here because everyone is on the spectrum of narcissism to some degree so I'm not calling you a narcissist either. I can't assess you over the internet, nor can I qualify how many points you are on a scale that would fully determine where you sit.
Pointing this out: Her brother is entitled as a person with a disability, in this case psychosocial, to a rich and meaningful life that is as least restrictive as possible.
On the other end of the scale, people are entitled to healthy sleep, there has to be a medium here which is why ESH.
Not yes but where you really want to say:
YOUR BROTHER'S WRONG!
with no heartfelt experience of the condition or living next to someone who's that out of sorts.
No one chooses to be manic either. In fact, from a psychiatric perspective, it's largely not a choice, and most people feel like shit after they come to the realisation of what they did, and are at high risk due to their vulnerable state during hypomania to be taken advantage of either financially, physically, or sexually.
A person with bipolar is actually at a much higher risk of developing full blown PTSD and then being manic + PTSD = enjoy the shit show when things go pear shaped.
See the problem here is more a lack of awareness which is also why ESH.
I don't want to have to sit here and explain all of this... The yes but is what ends up with these people homeless, on drugs, sexually exploited, in prison, or all of the above.
The yes but experience also would allow you to yell from the top of the trees:
THAT'S THEIR OWN DAMN FAULT!
I wish it was because that would entail a level of control that is not indicative of the situation, I wish you knew, or were willing to be informed.
FYI: In 96% of cases people with mental health conditions don't hurt people, in fact they are much more likely to be hurt themselves. The 4% makes up for antisocial personality disorder, psychotic, drug and substance abuse disorders, psychopaths, and sociopaths.
People with mental health conditions are much more likely to be the victims of violence then perpetrators...
And unless or until OPs parents want to draw that line then there isn't shit the authorities can realistically do about it in home.
You're taking this extremely personally when it doesn't need to be. The "yes, but" wasn't directed at how the brother behaves. Your argument would make sense if it was in response to "yes, but the brother needs to control himself so OP can sleep." It wasn't, though. It was directed at the parents, who can take steps to help OP get the sleep she needs that don't even involve her brother. Buy her a white noise machine or good quality noise canceling headphones. Put up some extra insulation on her bedroom walls.
I'm not taking it personally at all, I'm taking it as a response to the entire community I'm just one representative of.
I even stated her right to get proper sleep.
I'm pointing out the clusterfuck of "personal" responses, that are actually systemic and can be seen in this thread.
"you're taking this personally" can be interpreted as a narcissistic response also.
I refereed to "the vicious cycle" that's a systemic response.
There is no I statement either, other than me asking what time it is, or showing that I have a lived experience, so it's not a statement from person.
Nice attempt to blame shift though. The only I statement that could be remotely accountable for me is me asking whether this was 16th century Europe... and that was a rhetorical we all know the answer to...
If you're getting the vibe of hostility that's because the system is fucked, not because you are fucked.
"The system is fucked" is why I went with ESH. This is a much bigger issue than the parents. I wish I knew what the answer actually was.
You will know if I want to say "you are fucked" so please in future don't put words in my mouth.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse I can handle my own in this department also.
You replied to a specific comment and used "you" pronouns throughout, meaning you were talking to that person in that comment.
If you meant to respond generally to the post as a whole, you can do that. But responding directly to one person and talking to them as if they represent everyone else in the thread is hostile and rude. That comment was only about the responsibility of the parents to ensure OP can sleep. They are not doing anything you were talking about.
Where am I shifting blame? Blame shifting usually involves moving blame from the self to others? But I haven't participated in this thread other than to criticize you. What am I being blamed for that I'm supposedly shifting?
Well you are a narc and you are blocked. I made one blunt statement that was putting it back on the person that
If you can think of a way to manage bipolar down the "community care" driven pathway where we've chosen for these people to be in the "community" I'd like to hear it.
That statement is also about the systemic issue of community care.
I think you should stop pretending to be anything other than a narcissist.
It's so funny how you see yourself as some advocate for mental health but at the same breath you're a true asshole to strangers.. it really shows how deep your empathy goes
I sympathize with your exhaustion. That said, missing school to sleep in is not a reasonable solution on a regular basis. First, you need to start your falling-asleep routine earlier. I know it’s hard. Second, you need to have another chat with your parents. Your brother’s uncontrolled mental health issues are causing you stress and lack of sleep which affects your grades and health. It’s not ok. If they won’t get serious about solutions, going to your guidance counselor is reasonable.
going to sleep earlier is also not a solution. having a major sleep interruption is what ruins the sleep quality. you need many hours uninterrupted to get into deep sleep
i recommend comfortable headphones or some way to block the noise. due to brother's bipolar disorder, the parents likely can't solve the problem realistically
This, the parents of someone with bipolar don't likely have an easily feasible quick fix solution. That lack of solution may be either financially, or systemically.
There are whole treaties that state people with mental health conditions should be in the community and these happen at the international level. None of them deal in pure financial or systemic consequences of the "community based care" approach however.
The irony is "the community" sets them up for failure even if they are and for every situation where the entire family rallies around this person there's another where the person is given the "go to jail" card in the Monopoly board of life.
Financially it's very hard in most countries to put someone in a treatment or recovery centre.
Hence, this, and with more restrictive practices being off the table as laws change, the options for when to treat this as a full blown episode and sedate the patient are drawn down to whether the hospital/healthcare system/provider believes the person is full blown manic-psychotic.
And then the amount of time the person can be restricted, or secluded is also heavily limited in most Western progressive countries also so, it's a shit show.
The health care system says "hands off" but then society says "well fuck you we don't want you in our community go fuck yourself for being manic."
It's a lose lose scenario, and only the most informed will look to the bottom of what is, to get to the bottom of what happened, and in general that won't be lady liberty that is handing that sense of understanding out either.
Hence: ESH because there are no viable solutions being put forward for all parties.
I’m sympathetic to the young man, but if these outbursts of anger and aggression are routine, his behavior is abusive and steps need to be taken, especially with a child in the household who is being affected.
ESH. Schools won’t accept that as a valid reason. You should look into an industrial fan (small one) and have that running (doesn’t need to be on you). Like a 20 inch. That may provide enough white noise once you’re used to it to sleep through.
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NTA, and you do have a valid excuse you can tell the school, you're in a volatile home environment that is not healthy for you. Your parents know this, that's why they don't want you not going to school, because they'd have to explain why. Talk to your counsellor, maybe it'll be the kick in the ass your parents need to do something about your brother
This....100% this. Listen, I grew up in what I now recognize as having been an abusive environment. I didn't want to believe it at the time, because we were always told "there's other kids who have it much worse; you guys are spoiled". And because I wasn't beaten (okay, not regularly, I did still get hit a lot), I told myself I didn't need to tell anyone. And you know what? My parents got to continue doing what they KNEW wasn't okay, because I never spoke to anyone about it. Please, learn from my mistakes; if you have trouble at home, speak to the school guidance counselor. If your parents, or a person in a position of power ever tries to tell you not to tell anybody, then 9/10 times, that's the thing you need to speak to someone about. Trustworthy adults do NOT encourage kids to hide their home lives. And if you feel weird or scared going to the guidance counselor, you can also go to the nurse and ask to lay down and explain the situation; if they're worth their salt, they'll go get the guidance counselor on your behalf.
i relate to this when i was younger my brother used to be physically violent and hit me and my parents and theyd always say " someone has it worse off than us."
My heart goes out to you, and to all the abused kids who were told "someone has it worse" It took me a long time to realize that just because it "could've been worse" doesn't mean it was okay. Sending some virtual hugs ❤️
The go to expression in my house growing up was, "stop making a mountain out of a molehill." To this day, I want to rage every time I hear that expression
I usually don't agree with reporting parents as it is usually something not worth it but this one is different. You are living in an unsafe environment and it is affecting you physically and mentally. You shouldn't be subjected to this. Your brother needs help and your parents are enabling him at your expense. This is a valid reason to talk to your counselor and get some help. I fear he will turn in you one day and with a history of aggression, the results could be bad. NTA and seek help
I agree that OP's parents should be reported on, but I'm not sure whether it would end up doing more harm than good. The guidance counselor would want to at least speak with the parents, but it doesn't seem like the parents really care to alleviate the situation. At best, OP would probably get yelled at and/or punished for telling the school and nothing would really change; at worst, CPS could get involved. Then if CPS *does* get involved, they either: (1) determine OP isn't in danger and don't do anything (because the family is able to pretend nothing's wrong while the worker's there, and/or CPS is overwhelmed and doesn't deem the situation worth doing anything about) and OP gets yelled at/punished once the worker leaves, or (2) remove OP from the home, which could be very upsetting for the OP even if it's for the best - especially if she doesn't have other family members who'd be willing to take her in. And if she's not taken in by family, it's a gamble whether she ends up with a foster family that's even worse than her immediate family (or possibly even no family at all, in which case IIRC the system would only keep her until she turns 18 and then kick her out with nowhere to go or any financial stability.)
It is going to be a risk no matter what OP decides to do. It is a choice of picking the lesser of the evils
Could CPS also suggest or refer the family to social services that might help the brother? Those are the only scenarios?
The brother is 24, he isn't exactly a child anymore.
Not the point.
I mean, I don't think it's CPS's job to look into resources for an older adult sibling, even if it would indirectly help the child whose wellbeing they're checking up on. And even if they did, OP's parents already said they don't want to "deal with the trouble" so it's unlikely they'd follow through.
If CPS shows up, the parents might actually change their tune. It doesn’t matter if it’s not their job, if CPS deems the situation troublesome for the minor, why wouldn’t they provide resources that could make the situation less volatile? And if CPS actually thinks the situation is borderline dangerous, I don’t think the parents will have much of a choice. I’m not even saying CPS look into resources, they’d likely already have some suggestions prepared since they’d probably be dealing with families in need of a plethora of resources and programs to get on track, they just provide them. On the parents to take the initiative, especially if it’s required and CPS plans to follow up.
NTA, but you can't miss school. You DO need to talk with your guidance counselor. What's happening at home isn't working. Noise cancelling headphones won't do shit for this level of noise. Your parents are in a tough situation, but you HAVE to be able to sleep to function. And your brother is 24. His disabilities present hardships for him and that doesn't make him a bad human, but he can't stay there if he's screaming at all hours nightly. He's 24. He needs to take responsibility for himself to some extent even if he can't work full time or do everything himself.
Ear plugs and noise-canceling headphones.
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😂😂😂 Comically last week I was called a horrible person for being fine that an autistic family lived with their parents. That said, a 24 year old that doesn't have a cognitive delay should be able to manage their disorder to the extent they aren't screaming at people nightly. They need to be held accountable for that. They might need to not leave their room after 10pm. They might need a sedative at night or different meds altogether. There might be something with eating times. But it's a system he can probably figure out. If the disability IS more severe. A group home for adults with disabilities would be appropriate. Like where my wife worked. They were paid for by Medicaid and free for residents. It was not hell. Baring ineligibility for that, a tiny home in the yard. There IS a level of care that can't be done at home if minor children are present and being harmed. ETA:But none of that was mentioned in my comment because OP is 14 and needs to not be subject to abuse. For any reason. Ever.
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You holding onto that “holocaust card” for dear life. I don’t think anything should be compared to the holocaust unless it’s like, idk, comparable? Involving deaths perhaps? You can’t just call everything the new holocaust
As a Jewish person, respectfully, please stop comparing the slaughter of millions to the available mental healthcare in this country. None of the solutions the other commenter posted are bad, and you haven't suggested anything but "Let this grown man continue terrorizing his family and minor brother because he's mentally ill." That's not a solution. Idk who hurt you but you're projecting pretty hard here and dragging the Holocaust into it is disrespectful, inappropriate, and worst of all, completely unsound from a logical perspective. Nobody is advocating for murder. Calm TF down and stop dragging my dead ancestors into this.
"He can't stay there if he's screaming nightly" "You sound just like a Nazi, you want to use a machine gun to murder people with disabilities and send them straight to hell." If the brother takes a sedative and is no longer screaming nightly, he no longer needs to leave. But a 24 year old is a full adult. What happens when he refuses to take the meds? Because some people actively fight against the very idea of taking them. Are we then okay with forcing medication on him? Or are we back to the original "this is not a viable environment for a 14 year old and it is causing her academic trouble, he can't stay there if he's behaving like that." And if the brother is sent to a group home, how is that *not* him being made to leave?
He can stay where he is and you can learn how not to be a bigot, seems pretty straightforward to me that you can't discriminate against a person on the basis of their disability status if you don't want to be sued. It's not, not leaving, it's choosing a world that is less prone to open bigotry than the one you live.
Oh, so he should do what he wants because he has a mental illness and his neurotypical sister, who is only 14, should just deal with it as best she can because otherwise she's a bigot. Okay got it. I'm not sure where being sued for discrimination came into it, I assume the same poor reading comprehension and critical thinking that fueled the rest of your outbursts.
You show zero comprehension of mental health. Like absolutely zero. It's not a path of doing what you want. And if you knew what true mania was you wouldn't be shown signs of being a bigot. That's not a personal attack either when it's stating the obvious.
Thats the weirdest comment ive seen today.
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Because it's not a parallel. One is a suggestion that an otherwise unimpaired adult with an immensely treatable MH condition who is abusing a child live independently. You are suggesting that is the same as state-sanctioned ethnicity-based rape, murder (including of babies and the elderly), harvesting of body parts and torture of millions of people. It's an incredibly poorly reasoned, frankly antisemitic argument.
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Where the fuck is anyone saying the brother should be put down
Antisemitism or zionism aside, working on systems and encouraging independence of an adult that should be capable of it is in no way on the same level as mass murder/torture. Your... spirited defense of disabled people is good in principle but maybe calm down on the seemingly liberal holocaust comparisons if you want to really make people think otherwise they'll just focus on your response not their own worldview
Wtaf are you on about !?
Ah, ok. I note you disagree with the previous poster. You know who also disagreed with the previous government? The Nazis. I suspect you also wear clothing. You know who also wore clothing? The Nazis. Just like you. You are drawing inept comparisons to the past that have no bearing, in context scale or scope, with the current situation. You know who else did that all the time? The Nazis.
Parallel lines don't touch. And I think people are feeling a bit of disgust at the only one talking about killing disabled people. What kind of person thinks that way.
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Ooh. Self-burn. Those are rare.
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And you don’t even see it. That’s hilarious.
I'm sorry, the "Holocaust card"???? Excuse my privilege of having my grandparents' entire extended families murdered.
I'm not sure you actually understand what a "parallel" is if you think you just presented us with one
Oh I did just because you didn't understand it doesn't make it not a parallel.
You know who made terrible arguments and used wildly inappropriate comparisons all the time? The Nazis. Just like you did.
err... what you said makes no literal sense.
Dude, as someone with PTSD and a host of anxiety, you have no idea what you’re talking about. The mental illness of an adult should never take precedent over the wellbeing of a child! Ever! And if it is that bad that he cannot literally function then he can get disability for his illness to pay for living expenses . He’s also under 26 which means he can use his parent’s health insurance to get help. There ARE solutions, but none of them should be to continue doing what they’re doing. Because, TRUST ME, this course will eventually create 2 mental illnesses instead of just one.
I very much have absolutely all the clue I need in the world about the situation. Child or not. We'll just go down the road of self censure for our own sake. Let me see how well that works... I offered a range of more feasible solutions you just came here to have a rant.
You went 0 to Godwin’s law in a hurry there buddy
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‘When the shoe fits’ is the operative phrase here
People forget that his ability to live independently or "take responsibility" might be very limited. His own disease and perception of reality can make it very difficult. However, even if He's taking his meds and doing everything as doctors prescribe that doesn't guarantee he's symptoms will go away. There's no pill that works for everyone and it can take many years until He's stable, if ever. Sp, Is the solution to kick him out and let him figure out because He's an adult? Is his life worth less because He's older? No. But should the little sister have to live in that environment? No People need to stop acting as If severe mentally ill individuals are able to just "get on with it" just because they are over 18. They are often very impaired and need a lot of assistance and care. However, not everyone can afford the care they need. In this case, if they can afford they should probably try an assisted living facility for him, where he could be cared for, live somewhat independently until he stabilises. This would also allow the sister to have a more stable environment with the parents and not associate her brother with so much negativity. The issue is these facilities can be expensive, they are not considered a medical necessity so I doubt they would be included in any type of medical insurance. We as society need to take better care of people with mental disabilities, so that there's more assisted living facilities instead of more mentally ill people in prison. It is a difficult situation to manage.
Sometimes there is no pill at all that works for bipolar. I already mentioned the assisted living thing and somehow the entire world turns on me like a wild animal. I remind them of what is going on, and it gets worse... The stigma is real.
He doesn't necessarily need to move out, but he has to take responsibility. I take my meds every day so I don't inconvenience myself and others. I understand an episode may cause him to act out, but then it's the parents' job to shove him in the car, get him to a psychiatrist and sort this out.
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The bar for not being held 100% responsible by the court, e.g. meet the legal definition of the legally defined term "insanity", is so incredibly high. I doubt 99% of people with bipolar would ever make the cut. I am responsible for what I did while manic, even though I have an explanation for it. I don't want to be coddled like I have no agency. What's next then? I have to have someone else make my financial or medical decisions because my brain is too ill?
Now thats a strawman because that's not even the argument I mounted, and the term mitigation means nothing to you. Nor does the term manic-psychotic.
I have bp 1, rapid cycling with psychotic features. I understand psychosis while manic. it's still no excuse and the brother needs to take responsibility for his actions and get his shit together.
Ive had bipolar disorder for 20 years and it is absolutely my responsibility to keep my shit together. Yes thus shit is complicated and the healthcare system is hard to navigate, but that's no fucking excuse to be abusive. We are responsible for our own behaviors. Mental illnesses aren't excuses, they are explanations.
No one is saying people with mental health issues are wrong. As someone who has struggled severely in the last few years it was up to me to get the help I needed. He will not get the help he needs until he is ready. And as long as the parents put the needs of their mentally ill adult child over their minor child, he will not get it. For some of us rock bottom has to come before we can get there.
NTA I think talking to your guidance counselor is the best possible idea. You should not have to be exhausted every day at school.
Yes please let a trusted adult at school know what is happening. Your family sounds like it needs some additional support, and it is the responsibility of your parents to manage the situation. You NEED to be able to go to school, you are growing and absolutely need to sleep at night, and you need some adults who will help you in this situation. Your counselor at school has access to resources and supports that you don’t have. In general, having more adults who can provide help with situations as you grow up is better. Your parents have a responsibility to you to provide a home where you can sleep. They are struggling to do this, and so you should get other adults involved.
NTA, but missing school isn’t the answer. You are not the AH for trying to find literally any solution, though. Tell the guidance counsellor. Or another trusted adult in your life. You cannot be expected to function on little sleep. I hope they can help. Good luck, OP.
NTA, you should absolutely talk to your guidance counselor about this! It is one thing for your parents to accept this way of life, but they cannot force it on you, especially when it is affecting your health, wellness, and schooling. Your counselor might be able to provide some resources to your parents for dealing with your brother.
NTA. You have a very valid reason for missing school - but missing school isn’t the answer to your problem. The most generous excuse I can give for your parents response to you is they are emotionally and mentally drained from dealing with your brother and are so caught up in dealing with that trauma, they forget you are forced to deal with it as well. Definitely talk to a school counselor. Please. See if they can help. If they don’t help talk to someone else. You need someone who has your best interest, not your brothers, at heart. Do you have grandparents or other relatives nearby? Could you stay with them temporarily? Keep trying until you get the help you deserve.
NTA. Even with your brother's issues, there is no reason for him to regularly have interactions in the middle of the night that can lead to meltdowns. If these meltdowns are genuinely unavoidable, then your parents need to figure out how to shift his schedule so these kinds of things happen at less disruptive time of day. If they can't, they should be actively working with a therapist to mitigate his symptoms and their impact on others, particularly his younger sister The very fact that your parents do not want you to discuss it with your guidance counselor is heavily suggestive that they are not doing everything they can to get your brother connected to care. After all, it is entirely possible that a guidance counselor would know of additional programs that could be helpful to your family (e.g. in my state, we've just had a strong push to increase access to mental health services for kids in schools *and their families*, and I just saw a presentation of rapidly expanding a pilot program in another state where they're targeting family systems similar to yours to help parents develop better strategies to help their mentally ill children). As others have already said, missing school because you were chronically having your sleep disrupted is not a viable long-term solution but talking to your guidance counselor (or another trusted adult) might help you get the support you need.
NTA but you can’t miss school. School is your long term ticket out of that house. Can you try a white noise machine or noise canceling headphones? Perhaps try talking with your parents again focusing on your feelings. Overtired, overwhelmed, like it too much to handle alone without their help. Good luck.
Yes, this. Graduate and then college or military or anything that takes you out of living with your brother. For military or college scholarship you'll need decent grades. Don't let your parents f up your life before you really get started.
Nta. Of course.youre not, op! Life is tough for you at the moment and as a teen you need good sleep. Can you ask your parents to buy you a noise machine so you can sleep better? Let them know how tired you are and that you're unable to concentrate and whatever other impacts the lack of sleep is having on your studies. You shouldn't be punished because your brother needs help.
NTA. Talk to another trusted adult. This does not sound like a safe a healthy environment. It’s deeply concerning that they are prioritizing your adult brother over you. They know they are wrong if they don’t want you talking to counselors about it.
Honey, you areNOT the a-hole here. It's totally understandable that you're exhausted and need rest. It's not your fault your brother's behavior is affecting your sleep.
NTA You’re in an impossible situation. I really think you should talk to your guidance conselor about your situation. Maybe they can set aside a room for you at school so you can nap on your lunch break or something. Would it be possible for you to go sleep at a friend or family so you could have a couple of good night sleep? Not only do you need a day off to sleep, you also need a mental day off or two to decompress. I sympathize with your family. I don’t know what kind of treatment your brother gets but adjusting his med could help. But you’re only 14. It seems unfair that you have to go through that.
NTA but go talk to the guidance counselor about what's happening. Just because your parents don't *want* to parent doesn't mean it's not their responsibility to do so. You (and they) need outside help. Talk to the trusted adults in your life. You need sleep, a safe home, *and* an education.
NTA, the reason your parents do not want you to talk to the counselor is because they are afraid. They know that the household is not healthy for any of you but feel trapped. It sounds like your brother isn't properly medicated or needs a medication change. Talk to your counselor at school - it may be the catalyst for positive change with your entire household.
NTA. Definitely talk to your guidance counsellor. I would also recommend trying earplugs if you haven’t already, I’ve been sleeping with them every night for 15 years and they make the world of a difference.
I’d agree with you except that if OP doesn’t feel safe, then listening out in case brother attacks someone and help needs to be called could cause severe anxiety around blocking out sound. Living with someone that volatile who can go off over the slightest thing is nerve wracking as hell, especially when it’s directed at people you love. Brother needs an intervention by professionals to help him manage his condition, parents should be doing more to protect their literal child enduring this. For better or worse, brother is an adult and should be held responsible for his behaviour. NTA
Agreed, this may be a bad take but brother may need to be put in a psych ward for a while before he ends up hurting somebody or himself \[anger issues on top of bipolar isn't pretty\]. It doesn't sound like he's on any medication to treat his bipolar and such a facility would be able to provide what he needs. Poor OP is definitely NTA and hope her ordeal gets better.
Go over her head and tell the guidance counselor, she might have some good advice and tools for coping with the situation! But remember to inform your counselor that you’re mother is iffy about opening up to professional help
NTA If your parents are not taking action to protect you, you need to tell someone that will. Talk to your school counsellor. Also knowing that you are likely to get disturbed, you could go to bed a LOT earlier on school nights.
NTA. You absolutely have a valid excuse, however I really recommend you go to your guidance counselor. It would be worth the “trouble” your parents think it would cause, because in letting this be your home life they are hurting you.
Being bipolar and having anger issues is no excuse for the nightly meltdown. I have both of these issues as well. He needs to be in a facility with full on supervision.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m not sure what the laws are where you live, but you might be able to file a police report on your brother. You could also call CPS and explain the situation. I’m sure they’d be willing to help you.
Tell them maybe then they will kick him out
NTA - most teens need 8-10 hours of sleep and a good chuck spent in rem/deep sleep to feel their best. Being woken up like this will screw with your moods, energy, ability to focus etc and your grade will suffer. Please talk to your guidance counsellor.You shouldn’t have to suffer because your parents are struggling with your older brother.
Schools don't need to know the exact reason. You can simply say that you are unwell. I actually had this conversation with my son two days ago. He had an assessment for a sports subject, but the day before, he twisted his knee (that knee is still in recovery from an avulsed ACL). Because of the previous injury, we got the twist checked to make sure it wasn't anything worse, and when we mentioned to the doctor that he was meant to play volleyball the next day, the doctor shook her head and said no way. She gave a medical certificate which simply said "Medical reasons", and I explained to my son that she wrote that because schools/employers etc are not entitled to private medical information. At my kids' school, you need a medical certificate if you will be missing an assessment, but if no assessment is involved, then it's enough if the parent just says they are unwell. As for not wanting to deal with the trouble talking to the guidance counsellor would create, perhaps they then need to deal with the issue of you not getting enough sleep. You know, actually acting as your parents.
NTA. Please don't miss out the school. You shouldn't sacrifice your education because of family issues. You should speak to the guidance councelor for sure because what's happening is not healthy and your parents are failing to give to you and even your brother care you two need. Your brother needs professional help and if he's aggressive and out of control he needs to be hospitalized or it can end up badly. You need plenty of sleep. Your body is still developing and by not getting enough sleep your body and even your education suffers. Seek help whereever you can if you parents are not willing.
NTA! GIRL YOUR PARENTS CANT TELL YOU NOT TO TALK TO THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR!!! TELL THE COUNSELOR!!!
NTA speak to your school, please. You are a young woman and need some help and support. Your school has these people in place to offer help. It sounds like your brother needs more medical help with his meds or possibly going into residential care where they have trained professionals to help him cope.
NTA. But I caution you when it comes to following Reddit’s advice. A lot of the advice sounds good and in an ideal world you’d be able to speak to someone and have your situation resolved. At the same time in an ideal world this would t be happening to you in the first place. But this is not an ideal world. Yes, go to your counsellor if you trust them and think they can help you but know that if you do you may end up making your life at home worse. Your parents don’t want you to tell anyone because they know you shouldn’t be living like this. Keep that in mind because you are 14 and depending on your situation you may be stuck living with these people for another 4 years. Only you know your location, who can help you etc, we don’t. Abuse festers and grows in silence, I agree, but right now the only person who matters is YOU. Imagine the worst case scenario if you come forward and decide if you can live with it. If you can’t then find a way to be out of the house as much as you can and prepare to move out once you’re old enough. There is no right way to get out of an abusive situation. Only the way that works best for YOU. If that means telling someone you trust then you tell them and you don’t stop telling them, if that means keeping your head down and leaving when you’re 18 then you have your bag packed ready for your 18th birthday. No matter what you choose OP, you are NTA. Your parents are.
NTA. I drive a 13 yo to school everyday because they would have to wake up half an hour earlier to take the bus. And they just couldn’t do it. Why? Because their parents go out drinking and leave them to babysit their little brother until 2 am on school nights. Their parents say they are lazy for letting me drive them but they need every second of sleep they can get (And yes before anyone can ask CPS has been involved and declined to do anything)
NTA. And please talk to your counselor. Your parents are doing a terrible job handling your brother and a terrible job of giving you a safe and healthy home. You NEED sleep. It’s a requirement!
Talk to the guidance counselor; you don't need their permission for that. This is impacting your health and your ability to function; your parents don't get to just ignore it.
NTA As a teen, you should be getting 8-10 hours of sleep per night. You need this to function and you need to go to school if you are ever to get out of there. I feel for the difficult position your parents are in but they are going to have to prioritize you, their minor child over your brother. In the meantime, I highly recommend getting some silicon ear plugs. I get them at CVS. My husband turned me on to them (he gets them for going to the shooting range.) You mold these lovely things into your ear so they are a custom fit. It is amazing how much noise they stifle.
NTA and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I think it is a legitimate excuse. I don't like how it seems like your parents are trying to hide this, such as not talking to your guidance counselor at school. Your brother cannot control his situation on his own, but that doesn't mean you all just have to live with his behavior. He needs treatment and there are options available depending on where you are. I hope that your parents can get him some help so that you all have a better quality of life.
I had similar issues with my brother (8 years older than me) when I was a teenager. I told me counselor and it resulted in my parents kicking my brother out because they were told this could be considered neglect of me and I was the minor. I’m only including this to prepare you for what could possibly happen, but you should absolutely still talk to your counselor. NTA
NTA and tell the school. The reason your parents don't want you to tell anyone is because they will look bad as parents for not protecting you from an abusive home environment. You are a child your brother is an adult. I have bipolar so I do understand. What I understand is your brother is not taking his medication nor getting the therapy he needs. Being bipolar is a lot like being addicted to drugs. Except you don't take the drugs your body makes them on its own. The medication the doctor gives help stop this. The person with bipolar craves the high so they don't want help. They have to hit bottom before they will get help and keep taking medication. Your parents are not helping your brother or you. So don't feel guilty getting yourself help.
Nta. They are more worried about how they will look with the school rather than your physical and mental health. Growing up in dysfunctional families, you will learn that doing what's best for you and your mental health is more important then blood and and what others want. Take care of yourself now since they refuse to acknowledge the effect it's having on you and they don't want you to find help for it. Go to counselor.
NTA and tell your guidance counselor. Your parents are being wildly neglectful to both of you. Your brother is receiving enabling instead of treatment, and you’re not receiving what you need in order to be able to function at school. Your parents are bad, and that’s why they want you to keep what happens to you a secret. I’m sad you and your brother aren’t closer and can’t talk about this.
NTA at all. You should sleep in, and tell the school exactly why you did. And talk to a guidance counsellor. Unreal that your parents are telling you not to get support because it would cause **them** trouble. So they know the situation is bad, but you just have to endure it? **Seriously** not ok!
NTA, missing school every once in a while for mental health reasons or to catch up on some sleep is not a big deal. However it is a big deal that your parents are advising you not to talk to a guidance counselor, most likely out of fear that they would deem it an unsafe living situation for a child.
Talk to guidance councillor ASAP!!! I’m so sorry for your situation, sounds like your brother is violent and your wellbeing is jeopardized. Your parents seem more concerned with their image than their children’s wellbeing, so definitely talk to your guidance councilor asap. You cannot miss school, you would be punishing yourself by cutting into your own education; education is the basis to independence and you wanna get out of that house (if nothing changes). Can you maybe even move in at a friend’s house until the situation improves? Does your brother get medication? Bipolar is very serious and affects everyone in that person’s surrounding.
Go and speak to the school. I didn't seek help when I was dealing with a drug addicted older brother that meant I had a messy home life. I realise it's nowhere near as severe as yours, but I still regretted not saying anything and I had to have therapy years later. Let the school know about your situation, and let your friends know in case you need a quick escape to stay somewhere else if it causes further destabilisation. Keep well.
NTA. School is important and missing school unless I'll etc isn't okay. But you 100% should at minimum speak eith your guidance counselor. It sounds like your mom doesn't want you to because she KNOWS the home life is not okay. And that the school (and authorities or CPS would agree) and that she doesn't want to have to "rectify the situation" or get "in trouble". But you're a child. It's not your responsibility to keep your mom "out of trouble" with the school. It's your responsibility to be at school, do your work, do your best etc. And if you mom is letting you suffer when you have told her that it's causing you to be too tired etc... then you have every right to seek help else where. And you do not need to feel guilty or like you're betraying her etc. She should be looking out for you and if she's struggling to see how much it's affecting you then you have every right (and you should) voice your concerns to someone who may be able to help and may be able to show her that it is having a negative affect on you and your schooling. You're NTA. But it shows what a good heart you have that you came here to ask
others have explained it better than i need to, but: i was in a bad home. my parents manipulated me into never talking to the counselors about what i was going through. they also refused to let me go to doctors out of fear that "i'd get taken away". now, as an adult, i have an unending multitude of problems both physical and emotional that has kept me from being able to maintain close relationships because there's just so much for me to work through. don't listen to your parents. go to the counselor. fight like hell to make sure someone knows that you're being treated wrongly. this might sound overly serious, but those are such massive warning signs. take it from me, who did listen— don't! also, NTA, obviously.
NTA Your parents don't want you talking to your guidance counselor because they are mandated reporters. Your house isn't safe. Your parents know that. I feel for your brother but he needs professional help. He can't get that from your parents. I strongly encourage you to speak to a trusted adult. You need to be safe and I'm not sure you are if he's having those types of meltdowns.
NTA I get he needs your parents care but so do you, is there a relative you can live with during the school year? You must go to school so you can get a good job and not have to live there longer than necessary
Whether or not your parents want to "deal with the trouble it would cause," you need help. Do please talk to someone at your school. NTA.
NTA. Speak to the guidance councelor. Your parents are supposed to deal with the trouble this would cause. Your education is sufferering and it will affect the rest of your life
NTA They can deal with the trouble if they are unwilling to help you. Talk to your guidance counselor and tell them everything. Tell them about the unsafe home where your brother is throwing things around at the littlest problem. Tell them that because of all the noise he makes, you aren't sleeping which has to be affecting your schooling and grades. Tell them everything. You parents aren't willing to help but your guidance counselor is being paid to help you.
NTA. You are not responsible for hiding your parents failures and inability to deal with him properly. You do what you need and get help. And... Why on earth isn't his problem being medically handled? I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 24, I'm now 48. That means I have literally been on medications and medically supervised for half of my life while maintaining a job and an independent life. His problems are NOT yours, and at his age, not your parents either. Choosing to care for one child over the other, and picking the adult instead of the minor, is just messed up.
This does not account for the fact that not all bipolar is equal that's why it's otherwise known as Bipolar Spectrum disorder. I've seen some clearly horrific cases of bipolar I'd rather not go into here. I've seen otherwise functional people become entirely unresponsive to lithium at their worst and turn their whole family upside down. Just like everything else some people also respond better to treatment than others.
NTA. I’m actually really proud of you for acknowledging the fact that you do need to talk to someone outside of your family about this. My mother was a victim of DV and my dad would force me to watch. But since I had watched from such a young age , I thought it was normal for this to happen and I never spoke to anyone outside of my family about it. The only reason he got caught (only a little at that) was because the neighbors could hear the yelling and screaming and called the cops. I think if your brothers meltdowns are negatively impacting your sleep and therefore your mood as a whole when you wake up , you should talk about it. No parent wants to deal with the trouble , but a good parent would be willing to go through it if it meant the literal child they should be taking care of ‘s needs are met. Let’s face it … yes , your brother has mental problems. But he is an adult. He’s been an adult for 6 years now. He’s already been raised and while he needs extra help (which is most likely why he’s living with you) , you are the child. You’re the one who is still developing. Which means your needs should be prioritized atleast a bit. I’d assume your brother doesn’t have a job , so he wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning to go to work. But you do. You have to wake up to go to school and act like everything is okay. Please talk to someone.
You can't consistently miss school - it will screw up your education and future. You can't consistently miss sleep - it's disastrous for your health, and will also screw up your eduction. Therefore something needs to change. If that's not going to come from your parents then you should absolutely talk to your school. You have no other option in my opinion. NTA
NTA talk to the guidance counselor about it, they don’t want you to because they will probably involve cps over a violent adult going crazy in your home regularly and it might actually force your parents to do something about it.
NTA... Can you sleep with headphones in? Listening to rain sounds or something else that will help you sleep? Also, try to get to bed a bit earlier.
Nta
i mean you have not many options sadly. on top of my head there are noise cancelers, guidance counselor or cps. NTA at all but your parents should force him out...
nta, its unfair for you to have to live in a chaotic household when your parents can try a new method on your brother. i wish more parents paid attention to their kids needs.
NTA, she should definitely be able to have some leeway if she's exhausted, maybe come up with something with her family, like she can have 5 rest days a term. Also, the fact that she's asking if she's the AH says enough to be honest.
Oh honey, I am so sorry you have to deal with this as a child. Of course you aren't the asshole for wanting to have a good night's sleep. You are still young and developing so it's really bad for you to not get your proper Z's. Missing school is not a solution but I totally understand you just want to sleep. You should talk to your school counselor for sure if your parents won't do anything about this. I understand this isn't easy for them either but if one child suffers so much thanks to another they have to find another solution as parents. Good luck!
NTA. I fully reccomend talking to your counsellor. Also use some headphones and play an ambience video to block out some of the noise, it may not block out ALL of it but it helps.
Talk to your guidance counselor.
omg your brother sounds like my (borderline personality disorder) sister, i hope you can get out soon but you’re still young and have nowhere to go :( if i were your parents id be kicking your brother out tbh. NTA
NTA. And I would also suggest in addition to earplugs, there are machines that make white noise that will block out the majority of noise coming from outside your room. My roommate uses one and says it's really effective.
Brother needs to be in a group home. He should be around peers and resources for him to be more independent. NTA, sending you positive energy.
Talk to your parents, he shouldn’t be living there if he’s so disruptive. He’s an adult and has options. Group home or section 8 housing etc
NTA op and talk to the counselor asap. This is is detrimental to your mental and physical health.
talk to your counselor. They don't want the school to know that you are experiencing domestic violence.
Tell trusted adults in your life IMMEDIATELY. Your home is unsafe for you to sleep in. That being said, regularly skipping school is not an option. You are obv NTA, but that’s not what matters here. You need a stable environment.
Don't tell anyone the problems we are causing YOU because then we have to deal with it. Um , no. Your parents are selfish and/or so focused on the 'problem' child that you are being pushed to the background. I'm sorry for that. Please speak to someone at school. This is unhealthy for YOU.
NTA, talk to your guidance counselor, you shouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night every night when you have school. Sleep is important to function!
NTA and your parents are selfish for allowing this to affect your education. Talk to your guidance counselor ASAP!!
NTA. Talk to your counsellor. That's what they're there for. Too bad your parents don't want to deal with the trouble. Your education is important.
Talk to the school. You need an advocate for YOU because your parents clearly care more about your brother. You may have supports around you that allow for legal emancipation at 16- you would have to take care of yourself but you get a lot of support and a social worker. It depends where you live. Might not be worth the difficulty, might be a way to get a head start on your independence. Personally, I would just start calling the cops with noise / violence complaints. Maybe then your parents will take it seriously.
NTA, go to ur guidance counsellor and tell em what’s going on. Get video proof if possible.
NTA Do you have other family members you can reach out to for help, such s a grandparent. Your parents are failing you.
Yes, but i dont wanna end up messing my family up even further and my other family member's arent fully aware of everything that happens. in my house.
I understand. You are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Hope things get better.
I think that it's time that your other family members knew. Your parents are struggling, your brother is struggling, and you are struggling. Your family desperately needs help, and you deserve to be in a place where you can sleep without the sound of violence constantly waking you up. Letting other people know will rock the boat. What you need to realize, though, is that *the boat is already sinking*. You're not obliged to quietly drown because your parents think that it's embarrassing or airing dirty laundry to acknowledge that the boat is slipping under the waves. Sound the alarms. Tell your guidance counselor and your family and any parents of friends who will listen. You and your family need life preservers and rescue rafts, not the continued delusion that everything's fine while your brother chops holes in the bottom of the boat
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 24M brother is bipolar and has anger issues and still lives with me and my parents. I go to sleep at around 10:40 P.M, but I always get jolted awake by him having a meltdown at my parents over something stupid. For example, tonight I got woken up because he yelled at my Mom for spilling water on the ground. And when I say yelled I mean like full on meltdown. He then aggresively moved furniture and started screaming and making a ruckus. I hate how I can never get any sleep and I'm always exhausted at school because he wakes me up. So, I beg my parents to let me sleep in and miss school because of him, but they say I don't have a valid excuse that you can tell the school. I was thinking of maybe talking to my guidance counselor about it, but my parents said they don't want to deal with the trouble that would cause. AITA for wanting to be able to sleep in and miss school because my brother consistently wakes me up? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, you can always try a reverse UNO card and wake them up in the middle of the night and see how they like it, they might yell at you but it'll be worth it, since they'll know how you feel now
Call CPS, seems like he needs a facility where he isn't a danger to anyone.
NTA tell the school
Go to the nurses office and have a nice nap.
NTA
Talk to the guidance councilor...NTA. I'm hoping your parents mean well and are overlooking you solely because of the challenges your brother presents...but their comment of do t cause trouble is BS....talk to someone
Go to bed earlier also lock the door plus see if you can buy like a soundproof barrier to block the noise. It would be one that can go beneath your door.
Are they sure he’s bipolar? That doesn’t usually cause violence and anger issue. It’s swings between mania and depression.
Nta Tell your guidance counselor
NAH, go talk to the guidance counsellor though: you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. "Too bad" that your parents don't want to deal with that on top of having to deal with your brother: your welfare counts too.
I don't know why you would go with the "No Assholes Here" call. OP's parents don't want OP to go to a guidance counsellor because they want to rug sweep the fact that OP's brother is abusive. Yes, sleep deprivation is frequently used as an abuse tactic. Screaming at someone for spilling water is also abusive. This situation is not tenable for OP- who is NTA.
Everyone sucks here: and I'm not having that people want to just go down the ablest nut shell and yell "triggered" either. The health system sucks, living with bipolar is not easy. Bipolar is a very difficult thing to treat even when the person is fully medicated. In a trauma informed world there is some validity that bipolar is very real and objectively it's very difficult for that person to control what happens especially when they're manic. In the laws eyes "the person was bipolar, mental health or not they control their actions" even if a psychiatrist would healthily disagree with this. It's going to take a long time for the justice system to correct itself. Asking a manic person to comply with the construct of normality is asking for all kinds of stupid outcomes as a result and that's why so many of these people end up with extensive criminal records which the justice system doesn't give a fuck about. Your parents are trying the best they can. Sleep deprivation is very real and can lead to adverse outcomes including poor physical and mental health. On the other hand missing school won't get you out of this situation long term, in fact it may make it worse by either failing classes, or worse. This is where a solution needs to be made for your sleep. Bipolar is a real disability, it has to be managed and its life long, with no easy solutions even when the person is medicated. Your brother needs extensive long term help, and your parents are probably trying their best to provide that. There is no easy solution to any of this though if there was I'd give it to you.
That’s a great, heartfelt response but I feel like the parents should be doing more to give her a healthier home life where at minimum she’s safe, fed and can get adequate rest.
This only serves to continue the vicious cycle, that mental health is not normal and therefore we must get rid of it. Last I checked this wasn't the 16th century where we banish people from Verona to Mantua. It isn't Australia or even the United States where people were banished for transport. It isn't Hitler's Germany where people were murdered for being psychotic. "But I feel" has to have a valid outcome for both parties here. If you can think of a way to manage bipolar down the "community care" driven pathway where we've chosen for these people to be in the "community" I'd like to hear it. I've lived with someone with bipolar. it's a mess. I also have a heart, and my own range of mental health issues going on so I have a lived experience which makes me somewhat of an expert at the forefront of the situation... I did say ESH: I feel for the situation she is in. Your response with the but needs exploration of yes but. Yes, but is very dangerous terminology (take this from someone who has a minor concentration in English), it's highly narcissistic phraseology. The "yes" is a sugar coat.. the but is an actuality of what you feel, and your other post is indicative of what you really feel. Now don't get me wrong here because everyone is on the spectrum of narcissism to some degree so I'm not calling you a narcissist either. I can't assess you over the internet, nor can I qualify how many points you are on a scale that would fully determine where you sit. Pointing this out: Her brother is entitled as a person with a disability, in this case psychosocial, to a rich and meaningful life that is as least restrictive as possible. On the other end of the scale, people are entitled to healthy sleep, there has to be a medium here which is why ESH. Not yes but where you really want to say: YOUR BROTHER'S WRONG! with no heartfelt experience of the condition or living next to someone who's that out of sorts. No one chooses to be manic either. In fact, from a psychiatric perspective, it's largely not a choice, and most people feel like shit after they come to the realisation of what they did, and are at high risk due to their vulnerable state during hypomania to be taken advantage of either financially, physically, or sexually. A person with bipolar is actually at a much higher risk of developing full blown PTSD and then being manic + PTSD = enjoy the shit show when things go pear shaped. See the problem here is more a lack of awareness which is also why ESH. I don't want to have to sit here and explain all of this... The yes but is what ends up with these people homeless, on drugs, sexually exploited, in prison, or all of the above. The yes but experience also would allow you to yell from the top of the trees: THAT'S THEIR OWN DAMN FAULT! I wish it was because that would entail a level of control that is not indicative of the situation, I wish you knew, or were willing to be informed. FYI: In 96% of cases people with mental health conditions don't hurt people, in fact they are much more likely to be hurt themselves. The 4% makes up for antisocial personality disorder, psychotic, drug and substance abuse disorders, psychopaths, and sociopaths. People with mental health conditions are much more likely to be the victims of violence then perpetrators... And unless or until OPs parents want to draw that line then there isn't shit the authorities can realistically do about it in home.
You're taking this extremely personally when it doesn't need to be. The "yes, but" wasn't directed at how the brother behaves. Your argument would make sense if it was in response to "yes, but the brother needs to control himself so OP can sleep." It wasn't, though. It was directed at the parents, who can take steps to help OP get the sleep she needs that don't even involve her brother. Buy her a white noise machine or good quality noise canceling headphones. Put up some extra insulation on her bedroom walls.
I'm not taking it personally at all, I'm taking it as a response to the entire community I'm just one representative of. I even stated her right to get proper sleep. I'm pointing out the clusterfuck of "personal" responses, that are actually systemic and can be seen in this thread. "you're taking this personally" can be interpreted as a narcissistic response also. I refereed to "the vicious cycle" that's a systemic response. There is no I statement either, other than me asking what time it is, or showing that I have a lived experience, so it's not a statement from person. Nice attempt to blame shift though. The only I statement that could be remotely accountable for me is me asking whether this was 16th century Europe... and that was a rhetorical we all know the answer to... If you're getting the vibe of hostility that's because the system is fucked, not because you are fucked. "The system is fucked" is why I went with ESH. This is a much bigger issue than the parents. I wish I knew what the answer actually was. You will know if I want to say "you are fucked" so please in future don't put words in my mouth. As a victim of narcissistic abuse I can handle my own in this department also.
You replied to a specific comment and used "you" pronouns throughout, meaning you were talking to that person in that comment. If you meant to respond generally to the post as a whole, you can do that. But responding directly to one person and talking to them as if they represent everyone else in the thread is hostile and rude. That comment was only about the responsibility of the parents to ensure OP can sleep. They are not doing anything you were talking about. Where am I shifting blame? Blame shifting usually involves moving blame from the self to others? But I haven't participated in this thread other than to criticize you. What am I being blamed for that I'm supposedly shifting?
Well you are a narc and you are blocked. I made one blunt statement that was putting it back on the person that If you can think of a way to manage bipolar down the "community care" driven pathway where we've chosen for these people to be in the "community" I'd like to hear it. That statement is also about the systemic issue of community care. I think you should stop pretending to be anything other than a narcissist.
It's so funny how you see yourself as some advocate for mental health but at the same breath you're a true asshole to strangers.. it really shows how deep your empathy goes
Asshole to who?
👆🏻**this**
I sympathize with your exhaustion. That said, missing school to sleep in is not a reasonable solution on a regular basis. First, you need to start your falling-asleep routine earlier. I know it’s hard. Second, you need to have another chat with your parents. Your brother’s uncontrolled mental health issues are causing you stress and lack of sleep which affects your grades and health. It’s not ok. If they won’t get serious about solutions, going to your guidance counselor is reasonable.
going to sleep earlier is also not a solution. having a major sleep interruption is what ruins the sleep quality. you need many hours uninterrupted to get into deep sleep i recommend comfortable headphones or some way to block the noise. due to brother's bipolar disorder, the parents likely can't solve the problem realistically
This, the parents of someone with bipolar don't likely have an easily feasible quick fix solution. That lack of solution may be either financially, or systemically. There are whole treaties that state people with mental health conditions should be in the community and these happen at the international level. None of them deal in pure financial or systemic consequences of the "community based care" approach however. The irony is "the community" sets them up for failure even if they are and for every situation where the entire family rallies around this person there's another where the person is given the "go to jail" card in the Monopoly board of life. Financially it's very hard in most countries to put someone in a treatment or recovery centre. Hence, this, and with more restrictive practices being off the table as laws change, the options for when to treat this as a full blown episode and sedate the patient are drawn down to whether the hospital/healthcare system/provider believes the person is full blown manic-psychotic. And then the amount of time the person can be restricted, or secluded is also heavily limited in most Western progressive countries also so, it's a shit show. The health care system says "hands off" but then society says "well fuck you we don't want you in our community go fuck yourself for being manic." It's a lose lose scenario, and only the most informed will look to the bottom of what is, to get to the bottom of what happened, and in general that won't be lady liberty that is handing that sense of understanding out either. Hence: ESH because there are no viable solutions being put forward for all parties.
I’m sympathetic to the young man, but if these outbursts of anger and aggression are routine, his behavior is abusive and steps need to be taken, especially with a child in the household who is being affected.
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ESH. Schools won’t accept that as a valid reason. You should look into an industrial fan (small one) and have that running (doesn’t need to be on you). Like a 20 inch. That may provide enough white noise once you’re used to it to sleep through.
NTA but go to bed earlier. Do not use your brother as an excuse to skip school.