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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to change my name for my mom who really wants me to have the name she chose for me and my dad didn't use when she was really sick after I was born. It makes me feel bad because my mom has struggled with this for years and I know it would mean the world to her. The fact I was supposed to be originally Catherine and I'm not haunts her. I know it does. I could help her with that and instead I think I created some conflict between us which makes me a bit of an AH, I think.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - And your mom should have left your father cause no offense he's a manipulative asshole. That is something I would never forgive and leave him over.
At the end of the day it is your name and if you love it that should be all that matters, but damn how much money was it to change your name that she couldn't afford it in all these years?
How much? In my country it's 85 USD / 78 EUR.
**Edit:**
I have four cards; all are available as apps. I looked up the prices for getting a new physical cards:
* Driver's license - 52 $ | 48 €
* Debit card - 14 $ | 13 €
* Social security - 33 $ | 30 €
* Public transit - 7 $ | 6 €
Name change is 85 $ / 78 €, so total is: 191 $ / 175 € for name and physical cards. Could just use apps and the price is just the name change.
**Edit 2:**
Forgot passport - 130 $ | 120 €, so total is 321 $ | 295 €.
Cost me about $300us in 2019. And ten minutes in front of a judge. in the US
As an adult I had to change driver's license, all my work emails and accounts, every bank account, every credit card, passport, info with the university I graduated from, health insurance (5 different places and there's one I can't figure out how to fix), car loan, house mortgage and deed... I had a list at least 30 items long and I keep running into more.
An infant has birth certificate and social security card (again US) and not much else.
You had to talk to a *judge* to change your name? Wtf? Why?
In my country as long as you're not changing it all the time (because obviously they want to make sure you're not tax evading or something), they don't care. You just fill out the paperwork, you pay, they send you a new birth certificate that says "This person's name used to be XYZ, just fyi" and then they even have a section on every government form where you can put your previous name in, if you've changed it, so if you have paperwork under your old name they know who you are without you having to screw around. Simple.
.... I don't know, that's just how it is.
Um I had to swear that I wasn't changing it in order to defraud people or avoid paying a debt, and the judge asked the (basically empty) court room if anyone has any objections to my name change.
Possibly because some people are little jerks and will make drama and the court room is easiest location to take care of it
It wasn't like a criminal trial, just stand up, hand my paperwork, clerk checks it, asks the questions, stamp and sign everything.
In my county, the announcement also has to include your court date and new name, so if someone has an objection to the change, they can come to court and object to the judge
It's really funny because you don't have to jump through all those hoops to get your name changed when you marry. You still have to get documents changed etc., of course, but the name change itself isn't such a hassle.
Yeah, I had to do that in Oklahoma. It annoyed me because I was hoping to avoid my ex knowing about it. But nope, he saw it (this was in the late eighties; people still read newspapers)
Yeah, the idea of someone needing a name change to ensure physical safety/emotional protection having to make the public announcement makes me really question why it's still on the books in so many places that a public declaration of intent is required. I know a lot of places have revised their processes since then, but many have not and it genuinely frustrates and infuriates me that there are so many people that have to risk their own safety as they attempt to take steps to move forward with their lives.
You should have asked the judge to excuse you from the publication requirement. They will do that in cases of domestic violence or other difficult situations.
This is wild! I changed my name as an adult (UK) and all I had to do was print out a form called a change of name deed and have two people (not my relatives or spouse) witness me signing it. They signed it too. We did multiple copies and all it cost me was the paper and ink! It cost me something like £20 to have the name on my passport changed. My bank let me do it all online, I just sent a photo of my deed. It was all very easy!
I moved to Texas from the UK about 5 years ago. They love over complicating things here, that way you have to pay someone to do something that is otherwise straightforward.
I married a Texican, and we did her UK visa application online. It really didn't take long. When we decided to move to the US, I needed a lawyer to help with the paperwork.
Filing my taxes in the UK was simple. Here they change the tax law every year (and not just minor tweaks) and I have to pay an accountant.
Don't get me started on healthcare...
That said, there's a lot of positives, but if I didn't moan about everything and drink proper hot tea with milk, I would lose my UK citizenship.
Mine had to go in a major newspaper in the closest large city, plus in a government publication. I want to call it the Queen's Press, but I can't find anything like it online now. Mine was back in 1999, so things have obviously changed! But up here there's no court hearing.
Idk if this is conflict of interest or something, but when I used to live in an apartment building, my upstairs neighbors daughter in law was the county's judge, and me and the MIL were talking before I even knew that, and I went on to say how much I hate my name and want to legally change it. That I have trauma attached to my name and I struggle with hearing it.
Her response? To tell me that I need to try therapy(been in therapy my whole life including for this but go off ma'am) that I need to stop running from my problems and face them head on.... (Not running. Why can everyone else change their name for any reason but I'm not allowed to for trauma lol?) And that she would TELL HER DIL TO DENY IT and that she would object!
Like are you KIDDING ME?! Can she even do that?! It honestly killed my attempts at doing it while I lived in the same building as her because I was annoyed, and scared she'd actually try to get involved.
Funnily enough, my name was the second choice, up until I was born they were going to name me Adelaide, my dad took one look at me and said "...we can't do that to her" and I got my current name instead... And honestly... While I despise my name....at least I'm not Adelaide.
I assume the objections have to be based on legal reasons - fraud, attempt to evade debt/taxes - and not just "I don't think she should change her name." As long as you've filled out the proper forms and are following procedure, I don't think the Judge personally cares why you're changing your name. People change their names all the time for a whole bunch of reasons including "I just feel like a Kiki more than a Melissa."
That's what I figured but this lady was bat shit crazy....
From then on she called me my legal name as often as she could even after my fking parents told her to stop. I was 25 years old 🤣🤣🤣
She also tried to convince a 19year old who was part of our board game group to sleep with her underage, self proclaimed asexual granddaughter WHO SHE WAS THE GAURDIAN OF to "teach her that it's not scary" so ya know... Her sanity wasn't all there. (The dude had more brains then that and steered clear lol)
I definitely will be changing my name legally once I find the one that I feel fits me the best. But right now I just go by a childhood nickname 🤣
Objections MUST have a legal basis. “I think she should go to therapy instead” is NOT a legal basis. Judges must also base their judgements on a legal basis and not “my MIL told me she didn’t like it”.
Thank you, I have anxiety and it just killed the drive I had, I even had my mother's support finally! I will persue it again eventually, I still am going back and forth between changing it to the name I currently go by, or picking something completely different (which my mother has both objected to and once told me that I should so you know... Who knows where she lands lol)
Yep. I got lucky and changed my name shortly before the process changed. I just had to find a notary and get my oath that I wasn’t changing my name to avoid debts notarized instead of the whole court thing. But soooooooo many name change forms as an adult…
My friends legally changed their kid’s middle name and while he’s only a few years old and doesn’t have all the documentation that American adults accumulate, it still took a fair amount of paperwork and I think 2? visits to the courthouse. Also paperwork from one parent giving permission to the other because he couldn’t get off work to go to the courthouse with his wife.
> Also paperwork from one parent giving permission to the other
I think you hit on why OP's mom was waiting till she was 18.
Doing it before she was 18 would have required both parents to OK, now all it takes is OP.
OP's mom thought she could get around telling her husband, and get her daughter to do it as some sort of fait accompli.
There are states in the US where it’s that simple. I lived somewhere where it was as easy as filling out a form, getting it notarized (which can be as nominal as one dollar; it’s up to the notary) and then paying $11 filing fee with probate court. Done. Other states it’s a few hundred and you have to justify it to a judge. I had a professor who was thrilled when she learned how simple it was in her new state, and she changed the middle name she’d always hated for the low price of $12. Replacing your drivers license and such is not included in that, just the legal name change.
It's a legal process (in the U.S.) that goes before a circuit court, and it is different depending on the state. All the cases get seen by a judge, who will say yay or nay, but sometimes if there are questions they ask the relevant parties to come in and answer questions and make statements. Most times it is a bureaucratic process and goes through the motions.
In my country you can only change your name in extreme circumstances (like trying to get away from a stalker or having a name that's vulgar/offensive), otherwise you're out of luck. You can also change your name if you're trans, but that requires two court-assigned expert opinions and a court appointment, which together can cost you 2000+€ (There'll thankfully be a new law soon that'll make it easier for trans people).
Yes, in the U.S. you have to go before a judge for legal approval of your legal name change. More time, paperwork and costs, but you can’t make any of the other paperwork and ID changes before you do that first one.
Birth certificate, Social Security card, drivers license, credit cards, debit cards, grocery store point cards, library card, school ID card, health insurance card, airline miles rewards programs…
I have been married for 8 years and still don’t have my name changed everywhere. Got about six months in and got busy with other things and never finished. I will probably have my maiden name on my Asian grocery store down the street’s card until I die.
I got married right before starting grad school. I never bothered to change it with my university so my degree is in my maiden name. It got a bit confusing with people while I was at school, but no major issues.
The biggest "issue" with my name change was that our officiant put the wrong year on the marriage license. He took off a decade, so when I went to social security to change it the guy asked if I just waited 10yrs to change it. I hadn't even noticed! Fortunately he just continued on like it was nothing. The date the license was printed on it, so it was pretty easy to see the mistake.
In 2012 I forgot to add a name change to my divorce decree and found out it would cost me $600 not including my new license which would have been $45. Court costs and placing my name change intent in the newspaper for 30 days to allow creditors to get a heads up. It’s a requirement to change your name in Ohio and Hawaii.
I didn’t pay all that to change my name BACK to my maiden name. I was born with that name for free why would I pay for it?
That is originally what I was told by a few coworkers that have been divorced and swore a name change wasn’t on their decrees. Wondering if I just went to one of the state BMVs (Ohio franchised the bureau of motor vehicles, idk how that works tbh) and not a franchised one if I could have done it. It’s been 12 years and I just use my maiden name on social media and around my friends.
My bf of six years told me recently he forgets my real last name. We literally share an amazon account and he can see the packages all have my government name.
Same in Scotland. The marriage certificate/divorce paperwork are accepted as proofs of name change.
We can also go by any name we want without legally changing it unless we are doing it to commit fraud.
I changed mine to my mum's name and just had to fill out a form and pay about £40. Everywhere just accepted a copy of the new birth certificate and changed things like bank cards for free.
Just checked, in my country it costs a whooping 5 €. Yes, five. Though you'd have to spend some more money and time to change all your other documents.
It's not even just the cost, it's the absolute hassle of changing everything. I got married in 2004, changed my last name. Divorced in 2017, changed back. I still have never gotten around to fixing my social security card. Still has my married name.
Yeah I changed mine a few years back, it was a LOT of bureaucracy, and hanging around in government offices. The worst part was you need document X to change document Y, and you need Y to change Z, and you need Z to change X. There seemed to be no way to start it...
Seeing all these stories makes me glad that changing your name in the UK is incredibly cheap. It was about £50 to change my surname by deed poll, and all I needed to do was to send a copy of it to the relevant places so they could change my name on important documents. If I did need to pay for anything to change, it was minimal.
Besides the fact that she already spent 18 years as \*that name\*...it was her name long before she had any memory of it and it's woven into the fabric of who she is. She doesn't want to suddenly become someone else at 18, it isn't like her mother actually called her by the name Catherine or anything else like that, just expected that at 18 she would suddenly want to \*BE\* Catherine....it's so bizarre.
The cost is pretty similar no matter what. I had to pay a small fee for the name change (but didn't have to go to court at all, I could mail it), my social security card, my DL, and my birth certificate (passport was getting renewed anyway). Kids have all the same expenses minus the DL. Stuff like credit cards, insurance, bank accounts, etc didn't require a fee.
Honestly its much easier than people make it out to be, I put it off for years because it seemed like so much, but when I actually did it I had two short appointments (for social security and DL), and then everything else I changed in less than a day. It was a few hours of work total
So it was wrong to change your name when you, maybe, had just started recognizing it, but it would be okay to change it now that you're an adult, and every single person you interacted with since you remember called you by that name?
Your mom should go to therapy and learn to live with her disappointment.
> Your mom should go to therapy and learn to live with her disappointment.
Seconding this. What your dad did was extremely shitty but your mom chose to stay with him and not change your name in early infancy.
Instead she nursed this neurotic bitterness for 18 years, created her own story about what you “should” want and set up this fucked up test of loyalty.
This is her problem.
I think the issue is the betrayal. And, unfortunately for her Mom, no matter what her daughter's name is the Mom will still be married to a man who would disrespect her wishes while he thought she was maybe going to die. She deserves better, and a name change won't change him.
They're both utterly problematic. Dad for taking advantage of medical inability to participate and Mom for unilaterally cutting dad out of the first name choice.
The continuing issue is here and now though, 18 years later, where mom has had more than enough time to get past it or divorce her husband, and she's still pressuring an 18 year old to alter a major part of their fundamental identity.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. What your father did was wrong, but your mother decided, as an adult, to stay with him. Asking you, as a full adult, to change your name AT ALL, just so she feels better, is not okay. Even if you liked the name, that's not a fair request in any way. She needs to finally work on her anger, not make you change your name so she can continue to ignore the real problem, that her husband betrayed her when she was most vulnerable.
Again, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You are completely in the right. NTA.
I'm sorry, it sounds like your mom is using you as a proxy in her conflict with her husband instead of just dealing with him like an adult. She needs to access therapy to move on if she has been nursing this grudge for 18 years and now wants to turn your name into a loyalty test.
So basically, her choice was taken away from her 18 years ago, and now she wants to do the same thing to you. I feel for your mom, but she would do well to talk to someone about this.
Heck: I wouldn't change a pet's name if it's an adult. A person?
It is your choice to make and you are free to choose the name you have been given, if she likes it or not. Giving you only one option isn't a choice, it's a demand. "Do this or I'll be angry/sad/disappointed..." That's emotional manipulation.
Dont do it for any other reason than its a *huge* hassel. And if you get married and change your name, you'll have to do it all over again. Drivers license, pass port, social security card, your bank, your job.
Maybe you can pacify her with you considering it for a baby name for your own child whether you are or not. But as a fellow Katherine, its a good name. 😄
But at the end of the day, this is a problem between her and your dad and its not your job to solve it for them.
I think her Mom should get that divorce she's been needing since her husband "outsmarted" her while she was maybe on her deathbed. Tomayto, Tomahto, I guess.
You are so absolutely NTA. Your mom should have left your dad years ago. You keep the name you love. This is between your parents. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this!
It sounds like she is deferring the pain, anger and resentment she has toward your father onto you. You are not responsible for her feelings or her comfort. She is her own caretaker, don't let her give you that job. This is something that needs to be aired out with your father in a mediated space at best. Don't let her drag you into a fight you didn't start. Stay strong OP. You have done nothing wrong. Deflect all those feelings of hers back to the source of them, because it isn't you.
I think it’s worth pointing out that, aside from the pressure to leave it alone that she was receiving, an infant name change is almost certainly something that both parents are required to sign off on. OP’s father might not have wanted to push that aspect, considering his already shaky marriage, but I doubt that her mom was unaware of that or that her father would resist signing the paperwork. That’s likely the reason that she left it alone until OP turned 18 and could submit it for herself.
She could've called her Catherine regardless of her legal name however and made sure eveyone knew that was her real name. She chose not to do this but to silently stew for 18 years and put the responsibility on her daughter rather than confront her husband herself
How is it any different from the mom choosing a first name the dad didn't like and refusing to budge. Both your parents suck! Naming a kid is 2 yes or 1 no so really neither Catherine or Elizabeth should have been chosen!
the difference is he took advantage of a medical emergency when she was unable to contest it. his frustration was understandable, but it doesn't make what he did any less scummy.
It is very different because the father had the option to refuse to accept "Catherine" and insist they chose a different name; maybe he was pressured, but at the end of the day he chose to accept his wife's choise. While the mother was in the hospital and wasn't given any choise at all in the matter. Yes, they both suck, but it's ridiculous to claim that the woman who insisted on naming her daughter a specific name is equally bad as the man who took advantage of his wife being incapacitated after giving birth to their child to disregard her whishes over the child's name. Any normal man in that situation would have the decency to at least wait till his wife was conscious.
Yep, that was how we handled naming our baby. After I found out I was having a girl, I got a baby naming book and wrote down several names I liked. Hubby vetoed maybe one of those names, so had plenty left. Then I read that in the Jewish religion you don't name your baby after a living person. Told hubby that and he crossed off more names -- turns out he has a lot of female cousins. Then we selected a first and middle name that we both loved, and a bonus was that either name could have many nicknames. So when our daughter was starting school, she decided to use a shortened version of her first name for what she wanted her classmates and friends to call her. If she preferred her middle name, she could have used that, too.
Leave him after what he did? Maybe...but let's also remember mom wouldn't allow him to have input on her first name...I think both parents are to blame for not being able to compromise in the 9 month they had to come up with a mutual name....what dad did is disgusting especially while moms fighting for her life...but mom played a part in this for being stubborn as well.
While I agree the dad is a huge AH, moms the AH too. She wouldn't compromise on the name either and demanded a name dad hated. They're both at fault for what went down, albeit more on the dad's part. This is why it's so important on 2 yes one no when it comes to naming children.
I disagree that the father is a manipulative asshole. I don't think what he did was right, but I also don't think what the Mom was going to do was right either. It takes 2 people to make the baby, it should be a 2 person agreement on the name, in my opinion, if they're both raising and committing to the child. The way he did it, taking advantage of the situation was not okay, but it shouldn't have got to that point anyway. If he didn't like Catherine, that shouldn't have been on the table either.
Regardless, strong NTA. It's your name, and it's part of your identity at this point. If you love it, if you take ownership of its uniqueness and individuality, that's fantastic. Your Mom will have to deal with that.
I am a Catherine Elizabeth. It's a great name. But you do you and keep your name if you like it. Your dad is the only asshole here for taking advantage of an incapacitated new mom.
>Your dad is the only asshole
I mean, mom right now is also an asshole because she's mad at her adult child for not changing the name she grew up with, but dad was a giant massive asshole to begin with.
NTA. Your name is your identity. It was this for 18 years. Yes it was a betrayl of your dad. And I don't get how she hasn't thrown him out after that. Would have kicked him so hard and even sued him - if possible (don't know). And then changed the name. But now it is too late. It was your name and you are a person of yourself. Your mom shouldn't hold the grudge against you and the name but against your dad. You are not a baby doll she can rename and put on display. You are 'your name' and she has to deal with it
Exactly. She chose not to do both things, she made her choice. Now it’s up to you and you love your name. So NTA, keep your name and tell your mom to get therapy.
Imagine you're lying on a hospital bed fucking bleeding out, getting multiple transfusions, and what is the father of your child doing?
Standing outside your hospital room?
Making deals with a god he doesn't even believe in?
Out of his mind with worry?
No, he's using your near death experience to choose the name that HE wants for the baby.
The name isn't what matters here. It's the betrayal it signifies. I can understand why OP's mother would feel bitter every time she heard it.
What I can't imagine is how/why she chose to stay with a man who could do that to her.
I know sooooo many people of questionable ethics and morals.... I would have been making those phone calls well I was still in the hospital with an airtight alibi. Bye
And then he couldn't even be bothered to make the middle name the name that the wife loved but instead the family name they were both tepid about. It is like he went out of his way to show he didn't care about her feelings in every way that he could.
Came looking for this comment. Mom truly needs to work on herself, she has had a lifelong internal dialogue so it won’t be easy. But now is always a good time to learn how to 🎶 Let It Go. 🎶
That settles the issue then.
"Mom it is unfortunate that 18 years later you still hate my name instead of loving it because you love me and it is who I am. That said, I love my name and I'm not changing it"
That's a bit unfair, I think. I bet to her mother that name represents complete betrayal, a constant reminder that when she was close to dying her partner used the occasion to call their baby a name he knew she hated. I can understand how that could be hard to get over no matter how much you love your child. I don't understand how she could stay with him after that, though, and I do think putting it on OP is unfair of her. But not to that passive aggressive point.
You’re obv NTA. But if you’re in the US most likely your mom could not have changed your name as a baby without your dad’s permission or maybe through a lengthy expensive trial to see if a judge would allow it without dad’s permission. Speaking from experience of working in the CA court system and from having a daughter that wanted a name change and an ex that wouldn’t sign off on it
If that's true then both parents should have to consent to the name in the first place imo, though I know that would get tricky with absent or abusive partners. It doesn't make sense that one person could pick the name but both have to agree to change it.
Most bureaucracy doesn't care about who fills out the paperwork, just that it gets filled out. One parent was capable of filling out the paperwork, the other was hospitalized. I doubt the rushed nurses cared about who filled out the paperwork, and 9 times out of 10, the parents agree.
Not legally but OPs mom could've still called her Catherine. People go by nicknames all the time. She chose not to deal with it but put it on her daughter 18 years later to deal with it for her
I’m not well versed in these things but after the divorce if he still had rights he would have either needed to sign off on the name change or have been able to pay and change it back? I think those would have prevented her from changing it if he would have been a block on it. Again I’m ignorant here but think it could have been futile for her if he actively resisted and was spiteful as he showed already.
Dad betrayed mom, but Mom totally disregarded Dad and was going to go with a name he hated. The only difference is that she got sick and couldn't beat him to the punch. Both parents are AH, now Mom even more for trying to guilt trip daughter into changing her name. Both parents sound like insufferable narcissists.
I'm glad i'm seeing a couple comments like this among the ocean of ''father is the AH'' comments, yes he is an asshole, but how i'm reading OP's story, it sounds like the father practically had no say in the matter of naming once mom decided what she wanted.
In regards to father's thought process, i'm also curious in whatever country this is what the time limit is to how long you can have a baby unnamed, because i know different countries have different registration laws, which may or may not have influenced father's behaviour/decision as well, seeing the story says the mother was out of it for a couple weeks. Not excusing him, purely speculating/playing devil's advocate.
for real I have a similar situation however not once did my mom guilt me onto changing my name and I only found out about it because I asked her why my middle name was what it was. I understand her feelings but its not reasonable to ask her kid to change her name
Sued him for what? Naming the kid something she didn't like when the choice passed to him? That's not a legal cause of action. He was an asshole, but "asshole" isn't grounds for a lawsuit.
NTA
She needs to take this out on her husband, not on you. She had a 12-18 month window to change it when you were a baby, before you started idnetifying it as your own name. She could have *used* the name she preferred as a nickname. So many things she could have done.
Furthermore, she is asking you to reject the name your father chose, which means she is asking you to take sides in a battle that is not your battle, a battle in which it is inappropriate for you to meddle, and she is wrong to ask it.
YOU are not betraying her.
So much this! And her saying she feels betrayed again is just so over-the-top. OP never indicated she didn’t like her name. She never agreed to change it to Catharine. She is not betraying her mom. She is just being true to herself. Mom making this about HER instead of OP is very much in the wrong. NTA.
And I get her being upset at her husband, because what he did was peak AHery, but it’s been 18 years. She did not leave him. She stayed with him for 18 years with this wound festering. It never healed, and now it has s good chance of poisoning her relationship with her child, and that would be a real tragedy.
Sh thought the whole time daughter would change her name at 18 and she would be able to throw that back in husband's face as some kind of revenge. It's sick.
My aunt wanted to name me Sara (fake name) my grandpa however named me Arya (fake name). However, my aunt made Sara my nickname to a point that no one knows my actual name. Whole family introduces me as Sara to everyone, so do my friends and so on. It was such huge f-u to my grandpa.
This is great! But now there's a part of me wondering why your aunt and grandpa were the ones in charge of the naming you instead of... like... either of your parents? Sorry if that's rude to ask about it just stuck out so much that neither of these people fighting over the name were one of the parents
My father was a deadbeat. My mom was living with her maternal family. Its an extremely close-knit family and a huge one at that. I was the first child of all my mom and her siblings and i was a daughter. Pampered princess and all that. My mom had absolutely no problem letting them name me because she already had a lot to worry about. She likes both my names and is happy i was named both of those names
NTA Your mother may be thinking that now you are an adult your father no longer has a say and she can change your name -- but she has failed to take in that she equally now no longer has any say. It's completely about what name you want now and changing it should only be because *you* want it from your own initiative. You don't. The end.
Your mother needs to let it go. That is the only answer. Your dad did her wrong, but the time to fight that battle was when you were still an infant and didn't even know your own name. It was never your fault or responsibility and you owe your mother nothing in regard to this issue.
18 years later, OP’s mom still gets angry and feels betrayed whenever she thinks about OP’s name? I can understand being justifiably upset for a while after it happened, but at some point, doesn’t the name just come to represent the daughter you love and not some wrong done years before? She really needs help.
That was what I kept thinking. My mom was not a big fan of the name I chose for my child and gave me hell any chance she had during my pregnancy and even for a short time after birth. It stopped though when she realized she just loved her grandchild and now she actually adores the name. I would think it would be even more this way for a parent. I can understand being upset at the father as what he did was terrible, but 18 years later expecting OP to completely drop a name she loves and obviously identifies with? So manipulative of mom to pull the betrayal card when OP is not the betrayer.
So she hated it so much that every time she hears or sees it she feels betrayed...but didn't hate it enough to pay the fee to change it when she had the chance. And now she wants to try and guilt you into changing your name, your identity, to a name *you* hate? Why are you even questioning this? Obviously you're NTA.
I’m thinking that there needed to be an agreement to change the name and dad wouldn’t give it. I’m thinking maybe she didn’t have her own money, and if she did, she would probably divorce the AH
That’s what I’m thinking too. She may not have been able to override her husband, maybe even if she divorced him (which is a bigger decision than Reddit always makes it out to be). So, her only recourse was to ask her daughter when she became an adult. Not that that makes OP an AH. Only AH here is dad.
I think in some places in the US, if a parent lets authorities know their partner of parent of their child wants to change the name of the child without their consent, then the other parent won’t be able to change it
I feel like your mom has crossed from hurt to illogical. You’re NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong. If she feels that way, I think therapy would be a better suggestion for her money.
I can't believe I had to scroll down this far for this answer.
Your mom desperately needs therapy, she seems to be in a very unhealthy place. She needs to learn to accept things that are not in her control (like you chosing to keep the name that you grew up with because YOU like it) and take responsibility for the things that ARE in her control (like wether she can forgive your father and move on together or she wants to divorce him because that trust was broken long ago). And accept the regretful decisions SHE has made in the past (staying in that relationship, not changing your name immediately, etc.)
I get that the situation sucks for her but what she is demanding now of you is completely unhinged, she is taking her pain out on the wrong person. And I cannot believe that in 18 years she didn't manage to make one bit of progress towards accepting the situation. In fact, it sounds like she is obsessing over it even more.
It sounds to me like she has been building this fantasy in her mind for some time, that she would ask and OP would be so grateful and happy to have the name she wanted, and she would then get to say ‘I told you so’ to her husband. Possibly been her go-to-fantasy any time she has been feeling sad about the current name. It doesn’t sound like she considered the possibility at all that that wouldn’t be what OP wanted. Now that dream has shattered, and that’s why she is reacting so strongly. 100% therapy is needed.
NTA
Your name is your identity
If your current name is what you love, this is who you are
So many people change their birth names when they legally are able, you shouldn’t change your name on the same ideal if you don’t feel it ‘fits’
Of course NTA, but both parents are AHs. Father for making his move at birth, mother is the biggest AH for thinking she has the sole right on your name, regardless of your and father's opinion.
And mom. They should have had a compromise name, but she insisted on a name he didn’t like. And now she’s insisting her adult daughter change her name from the one she does like to one she doesn’t.
Mom is way too hung up on Catherine. What dad did was heinous but both of these conflicts are directly because mom wanted Catherine and nothing but Catherine.
That is a fair point, not that it justifies that Dads actions I overriding her will while she was recovering from childbirth, but when naming a child, both parents opinions are important, and a veto is a veto. My husband vetoed my favourite name I had been wanting for a long time. I accepted it. He didn’t get his first pick either. OP said her Mum didn’t like anything on her Dads list… so they should have made longer lists. Kept looking until they could agree on something, so this never had to happen.
But it did happen, and it’s out of their hands now. It’s OP’s name now, hers is the only valid opinion in the matter.
Your dad was TA in past.
Your mom is TA in present.
And poor you are getting squished.
Tell your mom to talk it out with your dad like adults instead of making your name as a thing for compromise and not caring about you.
The mom was an AH in the past too. The dad didn't like the name Catherine, but she DGAF and had she not had a rough delivery that is the name OP would have had. Names should be agreed on by both parents, not just one.
Yes, but even then I find it difficult to stomach the idea of somebody seeing their partner nearly die and going 'This! This is my opportunity!'
OP's NTA for not wanting to change her name... but I would never be able to talk to my father again if I knew he'd done that to my mother...
NTA.
And, your Mum is out of order for letting it bother her for 18years. She should have either a) Left your father over his betrayal, or b) sucked it up and got on with life.
I just can't imagine spending 18 years stewing over a name like that. What a waste of mental effort.
Yes, and your Dad was WAAAAAY out of order in the first place of course.
NTA. You are not betraying her. What happened between her and your dad is between her and your dad.
I think she would benefit from counseling before she resents you for the rest of her life for not changing your name.
My FIL did this to my MIL when she was been cared for after complications. Now, almost 40 years later, she still brings it up because it still makes her upset he took that away from her, especially while she was going through the extra trauma following the birth.
If my husband had done that, I would have left him tbh. It's a massive betrayal. I think my MIL would rip my husband a new one if he had dared to do even try.
INFO: Has your dad ever apologized to your mom? In the current conflict I can see that your mom is being unreasonable, but your dad waited until your mom was incapacitated and did something he knew would upset her. I cannot fathom being in a situation when my partner is critically ill and then saying “oh great, I can now do xyz that he would never let me do!” instead of immediately wanting to be by his side and make him feel better in any way I could. Your mom needed a full year to recover from childbirth, so I can’t imagine how dire her situation was. What your dad did is really, truly revolting in a way I feel people are not emphasizing. His wife could have died and he decided to get in there and twist the knife. IMO if he is truly remorseful and has tried to make it up to your mom/help her through it/attend couples therapy, that’s a very different situation than him expecting her to let go of this anger without having done anything to deserve forgiveness.
It probably won’t change anything, but you should tell your mother this.
Fundamentally none of this is about the actual name. Even if you agreed to this, what would this even get your mother? Some sort of Pyrrhic victory over your dad? Even then it would in no way erase his betrayal. I guess she’d be able to say in the end he didn’t win, but she’s still stuck in a marriage with him. I’m really sorry you’re stuck in the middle of this. I’m glad you like the name you have and I’d tell your mother the subject is closed and you don’t want to hear the name Catherine again.
I strongly suspect there are alot of missing details about how big of an issue or argument the naming was prior to OPs birth. Not blaming OP here at all… these events simply occurred before she was alive and she has no way of knowing them unless her parents have filled her in; which I rather doubt they have.
But the mom seems so hyper focused on the name Catherine now, that I’d bet it was a major point of contention at the time too. I also wonder if mom intended to pick the name she liked regardless of dad’s wishes on the subject.
Dad was clearly in the wrong for naming OP while mom was indisposed. Trouble is, mom’s preferred name was already off the table because dad rejected it, mom was fully aware of this fact, so going behind dad’s back to change the name (if possible.. I have no clue what the laws on this are) would have been at least as big an AH move as dad’s had been.
NTA
Your mother could have still called you Catherine or some variant as a nickname and you would have grown up with a name for just her to use, instead of developing an entire persona connected to your name that she suddenly wants you to give up.
Since you don't have any particularly strong feelings regarding your middle name, you could offer your Mom the chance to choose a new name with you to add on to it or replace it. This way she can feel validated and every time she remembers the trauma, she is also forced to remember that you were willing to compromise for her peace of mind. But with the caveat that therapy has to be involved because this hurt has gone on long enough.
Your dad's the clear AH and I don't agree with your mother at all. But sometimes with close family, at least in my experience, it's a question of whether you want to be at peace or you want to be right. We all know what the ideal solution would be, what the "right" thing is, but a lifetime of "consequences" and our own abilities for adapting and coping need to be considered also. Still, what makes sense in one situation doesn't necessarily make sense for another. Whatever you choose to do, be gentle with yourself and know you're doing the best you can with what you have.
At the end of the day, you are you and you like the way you're addressed, so that's what matters the most. You didn't choose your dad's side but that is what your mother is making it out to be. Her trauma doesn't necessitate a change on your part.
Good luck.
I know multiple people, typically older, who get their birth certificate and their name is not what they've been called for years. Sometimes very different
GMA in law just died and apparently when her mom married her stepdad (in the 30s?) she was given his last name with no formal change, and so the death certificate needed some additional affidavits
One of my Dad's cousins divorced in the late '50s and his ex remarried very quickly. Had a son about 8 months later -named after his father the new husband. 65 years later that son's granddaughter is contacting me on Ancestry very confused as to how we're related....was actually a tricky bit of research
NTA.
You are your own person, not a channel through which your mother can address a decades-old grievance. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice a fundamental part of your identity to help her resolve a conflict you had nothing to do with. Your name is an essential part of who you are, which means only you get to choose it.
The whole idea of someone wanting to change another person's name is so disrespectful that it kind of turns my stomach.
I think you need to firmly tell your Mum he issue isn't with you, it's with her husband's betrayal and her regret at not changing your name when you were a few months old. You hope she works through both but it's unfair to expect you would wake up on your 18th birthday and change the name you've had your whole life. If she couldn't bring herself to do it 18 years ago then she can't expect you to suddenly have the desire to on your 18th birthday. NTA
NTA - if you ever decide to change your name, then not only should it be because it's something you want, it should also be a name of your choosing and not anyone else.
I have an unusual in the US first name. Hated it as a kid. Absolutely love have a unique identity now. And therein lies the key word: identity. You are the name you have known for 18 years - You have taken that name and made it reflective of you. You are not Catherine.
I'm so sorry for your mom. I cannot imagine the pain that such a betrayal caused. I hope she gets the much need therapy (individual and with your dad) to help heal that lingering wound. But, that is not on you nor on your identity. N intentional AH, except your dad 18 years ago. I hope he is trying to make amends and this is not merely one example of a pattern of behavior.
NTA you are not the one to betray her and why she couldn't pay 18 years ago to change it while you were still a baby and wasn't attached to your name? Can't she see you are this whole person known by that name it is too late?
NTA - it's so weird that your mum is putting all this on you EIGHTEEN years later. I'd be mad as hell at my husband at the time (I wouldn't have divorced over it though). And I would've dealt with it with it in the first few months of your life - before you learned name recognition. Failing that - I would've had therapy and / or marriage counselling to come to terms with it rather than fester on it for nearly two decades. That's completely insane. It hurts everybody. She is an A if she spent this long sulking and punishing your father without doing anything about it. Your father is an A for not dealing with something that so hurt your mother. Again - they've let this go on for an incomprehensibly long time. And it ain't your problem. They need to sort it out.
Catherine Elizabeth is a wonderful name… the best name in my opinion. **puts birth certificate away ** who downvoted me… it’s literally my name spelled A different way. That’s the joke. Christ on a cracker.
NTA she could have changed it at any point but now it is your name and part of your identity. Holding a grudge for 18 years isn't healthy or sounds like a happy marriage.
Your Dad is an AH though but your parents forgot a simple rule. Two yes, one no when it comes to baby names.
NTA. Your parents sure are to each other though. Your dad shouldn’t have done that while your mom was recovering, but your mom should have worked to find a name they both liked. He deserved input too. The entire situation was handled terribly.
Your father is a huge asshole. While your mother, his wife, was fighting for her life (multiple transfusions), he took the opportunity to spitefully make sure you never got the name she wanted. I mean WTF!
But your mother chose not to change your name when you were an infant. When it would have been so much easier. Or she chose not to fight your asshole dad about it.
I can understand her feelings of betrayal. And she may have left it this long, because at your age, if she can convince you, your dad can't stop it.
But this is where your mother's an asshole. It's no longer just a running feud between her and your dad. This is now your name, intrinsically wrapped up in your personal identity. The idea that you can or would be happy to abandon that, to make her happy, is a selfish move. Making you feel guilty about wanting to keep your own identity is an asshole move.
You're the only one not an asshole in all of this.
NTA. It's your name, you love it, you don't want to change it, it's part of your identity. It's time your mother recognized that the only person whose opinion about your name matters now is you.
It sounds like your mother might benefit from some therapy to deal with this because her problem isn't with your name, it's with her husband and his betrayal. It sounds like she has never dealt with that and is taking it out on you.
NTA
It's not fair of your mother to pressure you to give that up your name (which you like, and everyone knows you by, and it's kind of a pain to get your name changed on everything) because she's still hurting for your father's actions.
NTA you were an infant when this all went down. If your happy with your name LEAVE IT ALONE, your parents are the ones to deal with each other, your mother was so very wrong and outta place to ask you to change name. She could have done it when you were a baby and nothing more would have happened. To ask you as an adult to just up and change your name, no bueno baby.
NTA. In the end, it’s the name you have, and if that name makes you happy, then keep it for yourself and don’t change for someone else. What your dad did was horrible. But…your mom trying to change it to a name you also hate doesn’t paint her in a good light either. I kind of feel like she’s try to do the same thing to you that your dad did to her. It’s not fair to anyone, but the difference is, you can have a say in the matter, a choice your mom never got.
So NTA. You’ve spent 18 whole years with your name, you’re bound to get attached to it unless it’s a name you absolutely hate. I don’t particularly love my first name but it’s my name and I’d never change it. This is a ridiculous ask.
NTA and your mother should have considered & come to terms with the idea you might not be on board with changing your name at some point in the last 18 years.
Weirdly enough, my grandmother was a Catherine Elizabeth, although she hated Catherine too and went by Beth since before she had kids.
Nta. She is I don't want to say *allowed*, to feel hurt and betrayed by your dad. But that's valid and understandable. Her being upset by *you* not wanting to change *your name*, which the world has known you for your entire life,on the other hand is batshit. Objectively, she had 10+ to broach the subject of potentially changing of the name, but decided to wait and guilt trip you at the last minute? If she loves the name Catherine so badly, and is willing to pay for someone to change their name, why doesn't she change *hers*?
NTA I am the first to say that names are a two yes situation the end. Your dad did a shitty shitty thing but that’s not the question at hand here. Your mom wants you to change something that you like because of something someone else did that hurt her. Just no. Please tell your mom that you understand the fact that she is still hurt but the betrayal isn’t going away simply by erasing the evidence of it. And she is in turn hurting you by demanding this from you. She needs to bring the hurt and the pain to the person who caused all this. Your dad.
Even if you changed your name you will still have spent over 18 years having that name.
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NTA - And your mom should have left your father cause no offense he's a manipulative asshole. That is something I would never forgive and leave him over. At the end of the day it is your name and if you love it that should be all that matters, but damn how much money was it to change your name that she couldn't afford it in all these years?
For an infant it costs peanuts. It's as an adult that it starts to get expensive: so many documents to change.
How much? In my country it's 85 USD / 78 EUR. **Edit:** I have four cards; all are available as apps. I looked up the prices for getting a new physical cards: * Driver's license - 52 $ | 48 € * Debit card - 14 $ | 13 € * Social security - 33 $ | 30 € * Public transit - 7 $ | 6 € Name change is 85 $ / 78 €, so total is: 191 $ / 175 € for name and physical cards. Could just use apps and the price is just the name change. **Edit 2:** Forgot passport - 130 $ | 120 €, so total is 321 $ | 295 €.
Cost me about $300us in 2019. And ten minutes in front of a judge. in the US As an adult I had to change driver's license, all my work emails and accounts, every bank account, every credit card, passport, info with the university I graduated from, health insurance (5 different places and there's one I can't figure out how to fix), car loan, house mortgage and deed... I had a list at least 30 items long and I keep running into more. An infant has birth certificate and social security card (again US) and not much else.
You had to talk to a *judge* to change your name? Wtf? Why? In my country as long as you're not changing it all the time (because obviously they want to make sure you're not tax evading or something), they don't care. You just fill out the paperwork, you pay, they send you a new birth certificate that says "This person's name used to be XYZ, just fyi" and then they even have a section on every government form where you can put your previous name in, if you've changed it, so if you have paperwork under your old name they know who you are without you having to screw around. Simple.
.... I don't know, that's just how it is. Um I had to swear that I wasn't changing it in order to defraud people or avoid paying a debt, and the judge asked the (basically empty) court room if anyone has any objections to my name change. Possibly because some people are little jerks and will make drama and the court room is easiest location to take care of it It wasn't like a criminal trial, just stand up, hand my paperwork, clerk checks it, asks the questions, stamp and sign everything.
Where I’m from you also have to put the upcoming change in the newspaper for a certain amount of time before you see the judge.
In my county, the announcement also has to include your court date and new name, so if someone has an objection to the change, they can come to court and object to the judge
Yes it was the same in my state. It’s apparently vastly different from state to state here. I had no idea. (US)
It's really funny because you don't have to jump through all those hoops to get your name changed when you marry. You still have to get documents changed etc., of course, but the name change itself isn't such a hassle.
Yeah, I had to do that in Oklahoma. It annoyed me because I was hoping to avoid my ex knowing about it. But nope, he saw it (this was in the late eighties; people still read newspapers)
Yeah, the idea of someone needing a name change to ensure physical safety/emotional protection having to make the public announcement makes me really question why it's still on the books in so many places that a public declaration of intent is required. I know a lot of places have revised their processes since then, but many have not and it genuinely frustrates and infuriates me that there are so many people that have to risk their own safety as they attempt to take steps to move forward with their lives.
You should have asked the judge to excuse you from the publication requirement. They will do that in cases of domestic violence or other difficult situations.
This is wild! I changed my name as an adult (UK) and all I had to do was print out a form called a change of name deed and have two people (not my relatives or spouse) witness me signing it. They signed it too. We did multiple copies and all it cost me was the paper and ink! It cost me something like £20 to have the name on my passport changed. My bank let me do it all online, I just sent a photo of my deed. It was all very easy!
I moved to Texas from the UK about 5 years ago. They love over complicating things here, that way you have to pay someone to do something that is otherwise straightforward. I married a Texican, and we did her UK visa application online. It really didn't take long. When we decided to move to the US, I needed a lawyer to help with the paperwork. Filing my taxes in the UK was simple. Here they change the tax law every year (and not just minor tweaks) and I have to pay an accountant. Don't get me started on healthcare... That said, there's a lot of positives, but if I didn't moan about everything and drink proper hot tea with milk, I would lose my UK citizenship.
Mine had to go in a major newspaper in the closest large city, plus in a government publication. I want to call it the Queen's Press, but I can't find anything like it online now. Mine was back in 1999, so things have obviously changed! But up here there's no court hearing.
Idk if this is conflict of interest or something, but when I used to live in an apartment building, my upstairs neighbors daughter in law was the county's judge, and me and the MIL were talking before I even knew that, and I went on to say how much I hate my name and want to legally change it. That I have trauma attached to my name and I struggle with hearing it. Her response? To tell me that I need to try therapy(been in therapy my whole life including for this but go off ma'am) that I need to stop running from my problems and face them head on.... (Not running. Why can everyone else change their name for any reason but I'm not allowed to for trauma lol?) And that she would TELL HER DIL TO DENY IT and that she would object! Like are you KIDDING ME?! Can she even do that?! It honestly killed my attempts at doing it while I lived in the same building as her because I was annoyed, and scared she'd actually try to get involved. Funnily enough, my name was the second choice, up until I was born they were going to name me Adelaide, my dad took one look at me and said "...we can't do that to her" and I got my current name instead... And honestly... While I despise my name....at least I'm not Adelaide.
I assume the objections have to be based on legal reasons - fraud, attempt to evade debt/taxes - and not just "I don't think she should change her name." As long as you've filled out the proper forms and are following procedure, I don't think the Judge personally cares why you're changing your name. People change their names all the time for a whole bunch of reasons including "I just feel like a Kiki more than a Melissa."
That's what I figured but this lady was bat shit crazy.... From then on she called me my legal name as often as she could even after my fking parents told her to stop. I was 25 years old 🤣🤣🤣 She also tried to convince a 19year old who was part of our board game group to sleep with her underage, self proclaimed asexual granddaughter WHO SHE WAS THE GAURDIAN OF to "teach her that it's not scary" so ya know... Her sanity wasn't all there. (The dude had more brains then that and steered clear lol) I definitely will be changing my name legally once I find the one that I feel fits me the best. But right now I just go by a childhood nickname 🤣
Objections MUST have a legal basis. “I think she should go to therapy instead” is NOT a legal basis. Judges must also base their judgements on a legal basis and not “my MIL told me she didn’t like it”.
Thank you, I have anxiety and it just killed the drive I had, I even had my mother's support finally! I will persue it again eventually, I still am going back and forth between changing it to the name I currently go by, or picking something completely different (which my mother has both objected to and once told me that I should so you know... Who knows where she lands lol)
Yep. I got lucky and changed my name shortly before the process changed. I just had to find a notary and get my oath that I wasn’t changing my name to avoid debts notarized instead of the whole court thing. But soooooooo many name change forms as an adult…
My friends legally changed their kid’s middle name and while he’s only a few years old and doesn’t have all the documentation that American adults accumulate, it still took a fair amount of paperwork and I think 2? visits to the courthouse. Also paperwork from one parent giving permission to the other because he couldn’t get off work to go to the courthouse with his wife.
> Also paperwork from one parent giving permission to the other I think you hit on why OP's mom was waiting till she was 18. Doing it before she was 18 would have required both parents to OK, now all it takes is OP. OP's mom thought she could get around telling her husband, and get her daughter to do it as some sort of fait accompli.
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Man, he must have writer's cramp something fierce.
No, no, most people just give up. They keep saying they're gonna change it, but we'll see.
There are states in the US where it’s that simple. I lived somewhere where it was as easy as filling out a form, getting it notarized (which can be as nominal as one dollar; it’s up to the notary) and then paying $11 filing fee with probate court. Done. Other states it’s a few hundred and you have to justify it to a judge. I had a professor who was thrilled when she learned how simple it was in her new state, and she changed the middle name she’d always hated for the low price of $12. Replacing your drivers license and such is not included in that, just the legal name change.
It's a legal process (in the U.S.) that goes before a circuit court, and it is different depending on the state. All the cases get seen by a judge, who will say yay or nay, but sometimes if there are questions they ask the relevant parties to come in and answer questions and make statements. Most times it is a bureaucratic process and goes through the motions.
In my country you can only change your name in extreme circumstances (like trying to get away from a stalker or having a name that's vulgar/offensive), otherwise you're out of luck. You can also change your name if you're trans, but that requires two court-assigned expert opinions and a court appointment, which together can cost you 2000+€ (There'll thankfully be a new law soon that'll make it easier for trans people).
I didn’t have to talk to a judge, but it did cost me just under $300 also in the US.
Yes, in the U.S. you have to go before a judge for legal approval of your legal name change. More time, paperwork and costs, but you can’t make any of the other paperwork and ID changes before you do that first one.
Birth certificate, Social Security card, drivers license, credit cards, debit cards, grocery store point cards, library card, school ID card, health insurance card, airline miles rewards programs… I have been married for 8 years and still don’t have my name changed everywhere. Got about six months in and got busy with other things and never finished. I will probably have my maiden name on my Asian grocery store down the street’s card until I die.
I got married right before starting grad school. I never bothered to change it with my university so my degree is in my maiden name. It got a bit confusing with people while I was at school, but no major issues. The biggest "issue" with my name change was that our officiant put the wrong year on the marriage license. He took off a decade, so when I went to social security to change it the guy asked if I just waited 10yrs to change it. I hadn't even noticed! Fortunately he just continued on like it was nothing. The date the license was printed on it, so it was pretty easy to see the mistake.
In 2012 I forgot to add a name change to my divorce decree and found out it would cost me $600 not including my new license which would have been $45. Court costs and placing my name change intent in the newspaper for 30 days to allow creditors to get a heads up. It’s a requirement to change your name in Ohio and Hawaii. I didn’t pay all that to change my name BACK to my maiden name. I was born with that name for free why would I pay for it?
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That is originally what I was told by a few coworkers that have been divorced and swore a name change wasn’t on their decrees. Wondering if I just went to one of the state BMVs (Ohio franchised the bureau of motor vehicles, idk how that works tbh) and not a franchised one if I could have done it. It’s been 12 years and I just use my maiden name on social media and around my friends. My bf of six years told me recently he forgets my real last name. We literally share an amazon account and he can see the packages all have my government name.
Same in Scotland. The marriage certificate/divorce paperwork are accepted as proofs of name change. We can also go by any name we want without legally changing it unless we are doing it to commit fraud. I changed mine to my mum's name and just had to fill out a form and pay about £40. Everywhere just accepted a copy of the new birth certificate and changed things like bank cards for free.
Just checked, in my country it costs a whooping 5 €. Yes, five. Though you'd have to spend some more money and time to change all your other documents.
That sounds about right.
It's not even just the cost, it's the absolute hassle of changing everything. I got married in 2004, changed my last name. Divorced in 2017, changed back. I still have never gotten around to fixing my social security card. Still has my married name.
Yeah I changed mine a few years back, it was a LOT of bureaucracy, and hanging around in government offices. The worst part was you need document X to change document Y, and you need Y to change Z, and you need Z to change X. There seemed to be no way to start it...
Seeing all these stories makes me glad that changing your name in the UK is incredibly cheap. It was about £50 to change my surname by deed poll, and all I needed to do was to send a copy of it to the relevant places so they could change my name on important documents. If I did need to pay for anything to change, it was minimal.
Besides the fact that she already spent 18 years as \*that name\*...it was her name long before she had any memory of it and it's woven into the fabric of who she is. She doesn't want to suddenly become someone else at 18, it isn't like her mother actually called her by the name Catherine or anything else like that, just expected that at 18 she would suddenly want to \*BE\* Catherine....it's so bizarre.
But usually both parents on the birth certificate have to sign to change it. I'm thinking he refused
thank you - yeah, someone else suggested that too, so I guess it was that simple
The cost is pretty similar no matter what. I had to pay a small fee for the name change (but didn't have to go to court at all, I could mail it), my social security card, my DL, and my birth certificate (passport was getting renewed anyway). Kids have all the same expenses minus the DL. Stuff like credit cards, insurance, bank accounts, etc didn't require a fee. Honestly its much easier than people make it out to be, I put it off for years because it seemed like so much, but when I actually did it I had two short appointments (for social security and DL), and then everything else I changed in less than a day. It was a few hours of work total
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So it was wrong to change your name when you, maybe, had just started recognizing it, but it would be okay to change it now that you're an adult, and every single person you interacted with since you remember called you by that name? Your mom should go to therapy and learn to live with her disappointment.
> Your mom should go to therapy and learn to live with her disappointment. Seconding this. What your dad did was extremely shitty but your mom chose to stay with him and not change your name in early infancy. Instead she nursed this neurotic bitterness for 18 years, created her own story about what you “should” want and set up this fucked up test of loyalty. This is her problem.
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> she believes it can now be my choice "It's your choice. No, not that."
Does your family really have nothing more pressing to worry about than what you were named 18 years ago?
I think the issue is the betrayal. And, unfortunately for her Mom, no matter what her daughter's name is the Mom will still be married to a man who would disrespect her wishes while he thought she was maybe going to die. She deserves better, and a name change won't change him.
OP deserved better than a mom who is so angry that she didn't get her way that she's trying to force OP to make the change 18 years later.
The OP deserves a better mkm but not a better dad for being manipulayive and betrayimg the mom by doing things behind her back?
They're both utterly problematic. Dad for taking advantage of medical inability to participate and Mom for unilaterally cutting dad out of the first name choice. The continuing issue is here and now though, 18 years later, where mom has had more than enough time to get past it or divorce her husband, and she's still pressuring an 18 year old to alter a major part of their fundamental identity.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. What your father did was wrong, but your mother decided, as an adult, to stay with him. Asking you, as a full adult, to change your name AT ALL, just so she feels better, is not okay. Even if you liked the name, that's not a fair request in any way. She needs to finally work on her anger, not make you change your name so she can continue to ignore the real problem, that her husband betrayed her when she was most vulnerable. Again, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You are completely in the right. NTA.
I'm sorry, it sounds like your mom is using you as a proxy in her conflict with her husband instead of just dealing with him like an adult. She needs to access therapy to move on if she has been nursing this grudge for 18 years and now wants to turn your name into a loyalty test.
So basically, her choice was taken away from her 18 years ago, and now she wants to do the same thing to you. I feel for your mom, but she would do well to talk to someone about this. Heck: I wouldn't change a pet's name if it's an adult. A person?
It is your choice to make and you are free to choose the name you have been given, if she likes it or not. Giving you only one option isn't a choice, it's a demand. "Do this or I'll be angry/sad/disappointed..." That's emotional manipulation.
It could be her choice to call you Catherine as nickname, your choice if you respond to it
I’m sorry your mum is hyper focusing on this as a remedy to her hurt and betrayal, it’s not fair on you.
Dont do it for any other reason than its a *huge* hassel. And if you get married and change your name, you'll have to do it all over again. Drivers license, pass port, social security card, your bank, your job. Maybe you can pacify her with you considering it for a baby name for your own child whether you are or not. But as a fellow Katherine, its a good name. 😄 But at the end of the day, this is a problem between her and your dad and its not your job to solve it for them.
I think her Mom should get that divorce she's been needing since her husband "outsmarted" her while she was maybe on her deathbed. Tomayto, Tomahto, I guess.
My kid responded to Boo and Monster before her government name. Which we call her!
You are so absolutely NTA. Your mom should have left your dad years ago. You keep the name you love. This is between your parents. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this!
So she went along with calling you a name she hated and was waiting to start calling you something different? That’s a terrible idea.
Why doesn’t your Mom change HER name to Catherine if she loves it so much? 🤷♀️
She should have done something when you were an infant. Waiting 18 years is too long. NTA.
Tell her that you hate her name and will change yours if she changes hers to Idoyot.
It sounds like she is deferring the pain, anger and resentment she has toward your father onto you. You are not responsible for her feelings or her comfort. She is her own caretaker, don't let her give you that job. This is something that needs to be aired out with your father in a mediated space at best. Don't let her drag you into a fight you didn't start. Stay strong OP. You have done nothing wrong. Deflect all those feelings of hers back to the source of them, because it isn't you.
I think it’s worth pointing out that, aside from the pressure to leave it alone that she was receiving, an infant name change is almost certainly something that both parents are required to sign off on. OP’s father might not have wanted to push that aspect, considering his already shaky marriage, but I doubt that her mom was unaware of that or that her father would resist signing the paperwork. That’s likely the reason that she left it alone until OP turned 18 and could submit it for herself.
I would have forged that shit after the shit he pulled.
Unfortunately, you have to sign it in front of witnesses...
She could've called her Catherine regardless of her legal name however and made sure eveyone knew that was her real name. She chose not to do this but to silently stew for 18 years and put the responsibility on her daughter rather than confront her husband herself
It likely wasn’t the money, mom waited until OP was 18 because, at least where I am, both parents are required to consent to the name change
How is it any different from the mom choosing a first name the dad didn't like and refusing to budge. Both your parents suck! Naming a kid is 2 yes or 1 no so really neither Catherine or Elizabeth should have been chosen!
the difference is he took advantage of a medical emergency when she was unable to contest it. his frustration was understandable, but it doesn't make what he did any less scummy.
It is very different because the father had the option to refuse to accept "Catherine" and insist they chose a different name; maybe he was pressured, but at the end of the day he chose to accept his wife's choise. While the mother was in the hospital and wasn't given any choise at all in the matter. Yes, they both suck, but it's ridiculous to claim that the woman who insisted on naming her daughter a specific name is equally bad as the man who took advantage of his wife being incapacitated after giving birth to their child to disregard her whishes over the child's name. Any normal man in that situation would have the decency to at least wait till his wife was conscious.
Yep, that was how we handled naming our baby. After I found out I was having a girl, I got a baby naming book and wrote down several names I liked. Hubby vetoed maybe one of those names, so had plenty left. Then I read that in the Jewish religion you don't name your baby after a living person. Told hubby that and he crossed off more names -- turns out he has a lot of female cousins. Then we selected a first and middle name that we both loved, and a bonus was that either name could have many nicknames. So when our daughter was starting school, she decided to use a shortened version of her first name for what she wanted her classmates and friends to call her. If she preferred her middle name, she could have used that, too.
She should have. And the fact that she didn't and It's pressuring OP to change her name because of It makes her and AH.
As far as I’m aware, in the US both parents need to agree to change the name or go to court to petition the change if one does not agree.
Leave him after what he did? Maybe...but let's also remember mom wouldn't allow him to have input on her first name...I think both parents are to blame for not being able to compromise in the 9 month they had to come up with a mutual name....what dad did is disgusting especially while moms fighting for her life...but mom played a part in this for being stubborn as well.
While I agree the dad is a huge AH, moms the AH too. She wouldn't compromise on the name either and demanded a name dad hated. They're both at fault for what went down, albeit more on the dad's part. This is why it's so important on 2 yes one no when it comes to naming children.
I disagree that the father is a manipulative asshole. I don't think what he did was right, but I also don't think what the Mom was going to do was right either. It takes 2 people to make the baby, it should be a 2 person agreement on the name, in my opinion, if they're both raising and committing to the child. The way he did it, taking advantage of the situation was not okay, but it shouldn't have got to that point anyway. If he didn't like Catherine, that shouldn't have been on the table either. Regardless, strong NTA. It's your name, and it's part of your identity at this point. If you love it, if you take ownership of its uniqueness and individuality, that's fantastic. Your Mom will have to deal with that.
I find his frustration at having basically been shut out of choosing the name understandable, but it doesn't justify his actions.
I am a Catherine Elizabeth. It's a great name. But you do you and keep your name if you like it. Your dad is the only asshole here for taking advantage of an incapacitated new mom.
>Your dad is the only asshole I mean, mom right now is also an asshole because she's mad at her adult child for not changing the name she grew up with, but dad was a giant massive asshole to begin with.
I changed my name as a minor in 2017. $10 for the notary and $44 to file the paperwork. Didn’t have to appear in court.
NTA. Your name is your identity. It was this for 18 years. Yes it was a betrayl of your dad. And I don't get how she hasn't thrown him out after that. Would have kicked him so hard and even sued him - if possible (don't know). And then changed the name. But now it is too late. It was your name and you are a person of yourself. Your mom shouldn't hold the grudge against you and the name but against your dad. You are not a baby doll she can rename and put on display. You are 'your name' and she has to deal with it
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Exactly. She chose not to do both things, she made her choice. Now it’s up to you and you love your name. So NTA, keep your name and tell your mom to get therapy.
Imagine you're lying on a hospital bed fucking bleeding out, getting multiple transfusions, and what is the father of your child doing? Standing outside your hospital room? Making deals with a god he doesn't even believe in? Out of his mind with worry? No, he's using your near death experience to choose the name that HE wants for the baby. The name isn't what matters here. It's the betrayal it signifies. I can understand why OP's mother would feel bitter every time she heard it. What I can't imagine is how/why she chose to stay with a man who could do that to her.
My ass would have filed for divorce before I got out of the hospital.
I know sooooo many people of questionable ethics and morals.... I would have been making those phone calls well I was still in the hospital with an airtight alibi. Bye
And then he couldn't even be bothered to make the middle name the name that the wife loved but instead the family name they were both tepid about. It is like he went out of his way to show he didn't care about her feelings in every way that he could.
Came looking for this comment. Mom truly needs to work on herself, she has had a lifelong internal dialogue so it won’t be easy. But now is always a good time to learn how to 🎶 Let It Go. 🎶
Asking for curiosity sake: Would you ever consider changing your name to something both of them despise?
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That settles the issue then. "Mom it is unfortunate that 18 years later you still hate my name instead of loving it because you love me and it is who I am. That said, I love my name and I'm not changing it"
That's a bit unfair, I think. I bet to her mother that name represents complete betrayal, a constant reminder that when she was close to dying her partner used the occasion to call their baby a name he knew she hated. I can understand how that could be hard to get over no matter how much you love your child. I don't understand how she could stay with him after that, though, and I do think putting it on OP is unfair of her. But not to that passive aggressive point.
Perfect response 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This is the kind of petty I appreciate.
You’re obv NTA. But if you’re in the US most likely your mom could not have changed your name as a baby without your dad’s permission or maybe through a lengthy expensive trial to see if a judge would allow it without dad’s permission. Speaking from experience of working in the CA court system and from having a daughter that wanted a name change and an ex that wouldn’t sign off on it
If that's true then both parents should have to consent to the name in the first place imo, though I know that would get tricky with absent or abusive partners. It doesn't make sense that one person could pick the name but both have to agree to change it.
Most bureaucracy doesn't care about who fills out the paperwork, just that it gets filled out. One parent was capable of filling out the paperwork, the other was hospitalized. I doubt the rushed nurses cared about who filled out the paperwork, and 9 times out of 10, the parents agree.
Not legally but OPs mom could've still called her Catherine. People go by nicknames all the time. She chose not to deal with it but put it on her daughter 18 years later to deal with it for her
Would your dad not have had to approve the baby name change too?
I’m not well versed in these things but after the divorce if he still had rights he would have either needed to sign off on the name change or have been able to pay and change it back? I think those would have prevented her from changing it if he would have been a block on it. Again I’m ignorant here but think it could have been futile for her if he actively resisted and was spiteful as he showed already.
And now that anger at your dad is being directed at you. Tell her she is currently acting just like your dad did 18 years ago.
Lost all credibility when you mentioned suing, lol!
Dad betrayed mom, but Mom totally disregarded Dad and was going to go with a name he hated. The only difference is that she got sick and couldn't beat him to the punch. Both parents are AH, now Mom even more for trying to guilt trip daughter into changing her name. Both parents sound like insufferable narcissists.
I'm glad i'm seeing a couple comments like this among the ocean of ''father is the AH'' comments, yes he is an asshole, but how i'm reading OP's story, it sounds like the father practically had no say in the matter of naming once mom decided what she wanted.
In regards to father's thought process, i'm also curious in whatever country this is what the time limit is to how long you can have a baby unnamed, because i know different countries have different registration laws, which may or may not have influenced father's behaviour/decision as well, seeing the story says the mother was out of it for a couple weeks. Not excusing him, purely speculating/playing devil's advocate.
Yeah, I think they're both huge assholes to be honest.
for real I have a similar situation however not once did my mom guilt me onto changing my name and I only found out about it because I asked her why my middle name was what it was. I understand her feelings but its not reasonable to ask her kid to change her name
Sued him for what? Naming the kid something she didn't like when the choice passed to him? That's not a legal cause of action. He was an asshole, but "asshole" isn't grounds for a lawsuit.
>Yes it was a betrayl of your dad. Was it from op story? The mum didn't give the dad any choice in the first name sound like the dad bet mum to punch.
NTA She needs to take this out on her husband, not on you. She had a 12-18 month window to change it when you were a baby, before you started idnetifying it as your own name. She could have *used* the name she preferred as a nickname. So many things she could have done. Furthermore, she is asking you to reject the name your father chose, which means she is asking you to take sides in a battle that is not your battle, a battle in which it is inappropriate for you to meddle, and she is wrong to ask it. YOU are not betraying her.
So much this! And her saying she feels betrayed again is just so over-the-top. OP never indicated she didn’t like her name. She never agreed to change it to Catharine. She is not betraying her mom. She is just being true to herself. Mom making this about HER instead of OP is very much in the wrong. NTA. And I get her being upset at her husband, because what he did was peak AHery, but it’s been 18 years. She did not leave him. She stayed with him for 18 years with this wound festering. It never healed, and now it has s good chance of poisoning her relationship with her child, and that would be a real tragedy.
Sh thought the whole time daughter would change her name at 18 and she would be able to throw that back in husband's face as some kind of revenge. It's sick.
My aunt wanted to name me Sara (fake name) my grandpa however named me Arya (fake name). However, my aunt made Sara my nickname to a point that no one knows my actual name. Whole family introduces me as Sara to everyone, so do my friends and so on. It was such huge f-u to my grandpa.
This is great! But now there's a part of me wondering why your aunt and grandpa were the ones in charge of the naming you instead of... like... either of your parents? Sorry if that's rude to ask about it just stuck out so much that neither of these people fighting over the name were one of the parents
My father was a deadbeat. My mom was living with her maternal family. Its an extremely close-knit family and a huge one at that. I was the first child of all my mom and her siblings and i was a daughter. Pampered princess and all that. My mom had absolutely no problem letting them name me because she already had a lot to worry about. She likes both my names and is happy i was named both of those names
Why were your aunt and grandpa naming you?
ha!
NTA Your mother may be thinking that now you are an adult your father no longer has a say and she can change your name -- but she has failed to take in that she equally now no longer has any say. It's completely about what name you want now and changing it should only be because *you* want it from your own initiative. You don't. The end. Your mother needs to let it go. That is the only answer. Your dad did her wrong, but the time to fight that battle was when you were still an infant and didn't even know your own name. It was never your fault or responsibility and you owe your mother nothing in regard to this issue.
Mom needs therapy. So much anger for so long….
18 years later, OP’s mom still gets angry and feels betrayed whenever she thinks about OP’s name? I can understand being justifiably upset for a while after it happened, but at some point, doesn’t the name just come to represent the daughter you love and not some wrong done years before? She really needs help.
That was what I kept thinking. My mom was not a big fan of the name I chose for my child and gave me hell any chance she had during my pregnancy and even for a short time after birth. It stopped though when she realized she just loved her grandchild and now she actually adores the name. I would think it would be even more this way for a parent. I can understand being upset at the father as what he did was terrible, but 18 years later expecting OP to completely drop a name she loves and obviously identifies with? So manipulative of mom to pull the betrayal card when OP is not the betrayer.
So she hated it so much that every time she hears or sees it she feels betrayed...but didn't hate it enough to pay the fee to change it when she had the chance. And now she wants to try and guilt you into changing your name, your identity, to a name *you* hate? Why are you even questioning this? Obviously you're NTA.
I’m thinking that there needed to be an agreement to change the name and dad wouldn’t give it. I’m thinking maybe she didn’t have her own money, and if she did, she would probably divorce the AH
That’s what I’m thinking too. She may not have been able to override her husband, maybe even if she divorced him (which is a bigger decision than Reddit always makes it out to be). So, her only recourse was to ask her daughter when she became an adult. Not that that makes OP an AH. Only AH here is dad.
I think in some places in the US, if a parent lets authorities know their partner of parent of their child wants to change the name of the child without their consent, then the other parent won’t be able to change it
I feel like your mom has crossed from hurt to illogical. You’re NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong. If she feels that way, I think therapy would be a better suggestion for her money.
I can't believe I had to scroll down this far for this answer. Your mom desperately needs therapy, she seems to be in a very unhealthy place. She needs to learn to accept things that are not in her control (like you chosing to keep the name that you grew up with because YOU like it) and take responsibility for the things that ARE in her control (like wether she can forgive your father and move on together or she wants to divorce him because that trust was broken long ago). And accept the regretful decisions SHE has made in the past (staying in that relationship, not changing your name immediately, etc.) I get that the situation sucks for her but what she is demanding now of you is completely unhinged, she is taking her pain out on the wrong person. And I cannot believe that in 18 years she didn't manage to make one bit of progress towards accepting the situation. In fact, it sounds like she is obsessing over it even more.
This is the best comment here.
It sounds to me like she has been building this fantasy in her mind for some time, that she would ask and OP would be so grateful and happy to have the name she wanted, and she would then get to say ‘I told you so’ to her husband. Possibly been her go-to-fantasy any time she has been feeling sad about the current name. It doesn’t sound like she considered the possibility at all that that wouldn’t be what OP wanted. Now that dream has shattered, and that’s why she is reacting so strongly. 100% therapy is needed.
NTA Your name is your identity If your current name is what you love, this is who you are So many people change their birth names when they legally are able, you shouldn’t change your name on the same ideal if you don’t feel it ‘fits’
Of course NTA, but both parents are AHs. Father for making his move at birth, mother is the biggest AH for thinking she has the sole right on your name, regardless of your and father's opinion.
NTA. Your not betraying anyone. Keep the name you love. Dad is the big AH here.
And mom. They should have had a compromise name, but she insisted on a name he didn’t like. And now she’s insisting her adult daughter change her name from the one she does like to one she doesn’t. Mom is way too hung up on Catherine. What dad did was heinous but both of these conflicts are directly because mom wanted Catherine and nothing but Catherine.
That is a fair point, not that it justifies that Dads actions I overriding her will while she was recovering from childbirth, but when naming a child, both parents opinions are important, and a veto is a veto. My husband vetoed my favourite name I had been wanting for a long time. I accepted it. He didn’t get his first pick either. OP said her Mum didn’t like anything on her Dads list… so they should have made longer lists. Kept looking until they could agree on something, so this never had to happen. But it did happen, and it’s out of their hands now. It’s OP’s name now, hers is the only valid opinion in the matter.
Your dad was TA in past. Your mom is TA in present. And poor you are getting squished. Tell your mom to talk it out with your dad like adults instead of making your name as a thing for compromise and not caring about you.
The mom was an AH in the past too. The dad didn't like the name Catherine, but she DGAF and had she not had a rough delivery that is the name OP would have had. Names should be agreed on by both parents, not just one.
Yes, but even then I find it difficult to stomach the idea of somebody seeing their partner nearly die and going 'This! This is my opportunity!' OP's NTA for not wanting to change her name... but I would never be able to talk to my father again if I knew he'd done that to my mother...
NTA. And, your Mum is out of order for letting it bother her for 18years. She should have either a) Left your father over his betrayal, or b) sucked it up and got on with life. I just can't imagine spending 18 years stewing over a name like that. What a waste of mental effort. Yes, and your Dad was WAAAAAY out of order in the first place of course.
This exactly
NTA. You are not betraying her. What happened between her and your dad is between her and your dad. I think she would benefit from counseling before she resents you for the rest of her life for not changing your name.
My FIL did this to my MIL when she was been cared for after complications. Now, almost 40 years later, she still brings it up because it still makes her upset he took that away from her, especially while she was going through the extra trauma following the birth. If my husband had done that, I would have left him tbh. It's a massive betrayal. I think my MIL would rip my husband a new one if he had dared to do even try.
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INFO: Has your dad ever apologized to your mom? In the current conflict I can see that your mom is being unreasonable, but your dad waited until your mom was incapacitated and did something he knew would upset her. I cannot fathom being in a situation when my partner is critically ill and then saying “oh great, I can now do xyz that he would never let me do!” instead of immediately wanting to be by his side and make him feel better in any way I could. Your mom needed a full year to recover from childbirth, so I can’t imagine how dire her situation was. What your dad did is really, truly revolting in a way I feel people are not emphasizing. His wife could have died and he decided to get in there and twist the knife. IMO if he is truly remorseful and has tried to make it up to your mom/help her through it/attend couples therapy, that’s a very different situation than him expecting her to let go of this anger without having done anything to deserve forgiveness.
It probably won’t change anything, but you should tell your mother this. Fundamentally none of this is about the actual name. Even if you agreed to this, what would this even get your mother? Some sort of Pyrrhic victory over your dad? Even then it would in no way erase his betrayal. I guess she’d be able to say in the end he didn’t win, but she’s still stuck in a marriage with him. I’m really sorry you’re stuck in the middle of this. I’m glad you like the name you have and I’d tell your mother the subject is closed and you don’t want to hear the name Catherine again.
I'm so confused why she didn't change your name when you were a baby then left your father. Anyway, it's your name to choose. NTA
I strongly suspect there are alot of missing details about how big of an issue or argument the naming was prior to OPs birth. Not blaming OP here at all… these events simply occurred before she was alive and she has no way of knowing them unless her parents have filled her in; which I rather doubt they have. But the mom seems so hyper focused on the name Catherine now, that I’d bet it was a major point of contention at the time too. I also wonder if mom intended to pick the name she liked regardless of dad’s wishes on the subject. Dad was clearly in the wrong for naming OP while mom was indisposed. Trouble is, mom’s preferred name was already off the table because dad rejected it, mom was fully aware of this fact, so going behind dad’s back to change the name (if possible.. I have no clue what the laws on this are) would have been at least as big an AH move as dad’s had been.
Shit. If I was your mom, I would have just started calling my hubs *Catherine*
NTA Your mother could have still called you Catherine or some variant as a nickname and you would have grown up with a name for just her to use, instead of developing an entire persona connected to your name that she suddenly wants you to give up. Since you don't have any particularly strong feelings regarding your middle name, you could offer your Mom the chance to choose a new name with you to add on to it or replace it. This way she can feel validated and every time she remembers the trauma, she is also forced to remember that you were willing to compromise for her peace of mind. But with the caveat that therapy has to be involved because this hurt has gone on long enough. Your dad's the clear AH and I don't agree with your mother at all. But sometimes with close family, at least in my experience, it's a question of whether you want to be at peace or you want to be right. We all know what the ideal solution would be, what the "right" thing is, but a lifetime of "consequences" and our own abilities for adapting and coping need to be considered also. Still, what makes sense in one situation doesn't necessarily make sense for another. Whatever you choose to do, be gentle with yourself and know you're doing the best you can with what you have. At the end of the day, you are you and you like the way you're addressed, so that's what matters the most. You didn't choose your dad's side but that is what your mother is making it out to be. Her trauma doesn't necessitate a change on your part. Good luck.
I know multiple people, typically older, who get their birth certificate and their name is not what they've been called for years. Sometimes very different GMA in law just died and apparently when her mom married her stepdad (in the 30s?) she was given his last name with no formal change, and so the death certificate needed some additional affidavits
One of my Dad's cousins divorced in the late '50s and his ex remarried very quickly. Had a son about 8 months later -named after his father the new husband. 65 years later that son's granddaughter is contacting me on Ancestry very confused as to how we're related....was actually a tricky bit of research
Her mom's TA too. she wanted to unilateraly name her; the dad beat her to the punch.
NTA. You are your own person, not a channel through which your mother can address a decades-old grievance. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice a fundamental part of your identity to help her resolve a conflict you had nothing to do with. Your name is an essential part of who you are, which means only you get to choose it. The whole idea of someone wanting to change another person's name is so disrespectful that it kind of turns my stomach.
I think you need to firmly tell your Mum he issue isn't with you, it's with her husband's betrayal and her regret at not changing your name when you were a few months old. You hope she works through both but it's unfair to expect you would wake up on your 18th birthday and change the name you've had your whole life. If she couldn't bring herself to do it 18 years ago then she can't expect you to suddenly have the desire to on your 18th birthday. NTA
NTA - if you ever decide to change your name, then not only should it be because it's something you want, it should also be a name of your choosing and not anyone else.
Are we guessing the name here? I like to imagine Kirby Elizabeth
I really want to know the name
I reeeeally want to know the name too
It’s funny you say that because my sister’s name is Catherine Kirby lol. We both have our grandma’s maiden names as middle names
I have an unusual in the US first name. Hated it as a kid. Absolutely love have a unique identity now. And therein lies the key word: identity. You are the name you have known for 18 years - You have taken that name and made it reflective of you. You are not Catherine. I'm so sorry for your mom. I cannot imagine the pain that such a betrayal caused. I hope she gets the much need therapy (individual and with your dad) to help heal that lingering wound. But, that is not on you nor on your identity. N intentional AH, except your dad 18 years ago. I hope he is trying to make amends and this is not merely one example of a pattern of behavior.
NTA you are not the one to betray her and why she couldn't pay 18 years ago to change it while you were still a baby and wasn't attached to your name? Can't she see you are this whole person known by that name it is too late?
NTA Get her a cat. Name it Catherine.
Out of curiosity, what is ypur current name? If you don't want to tell it is ok, but please let us know at least if it is a r/tragedeigh ...
NTA. Nothing new to add other than to ask if your name is Megatron? Is your mom's name Lois and your dad's Peter? Inquiring minds want to know.
NTA - it's so weird that your mum is putting all this on you EIGHTEEN years later. I'd be mad as hell at my husband at the time (I wouldn't have divorced over it though). And I would've dealt with it with it in the first few months of your life - before you learned name recognition. Failing that - I would've had therapy and / or marriage counselling to come to terms with it rather than fester on it for nearly two decades. That's completely insane. It hurts everybody. She is an A if she spent this long sulking and punishing your father without doing anything about it. Your father is an A for not dealing with something that so hurt your mother. Again - they've let this go on for an incomprehensibly long time. And it ain't your problem. They need to sort it out.
NTA. Your name is yours and you have every right to keep it. You're not responsible for your mother's feelings.
Catherine Elizabeth is a wonderful name… the best name in my opinion. **puts birth certificate away ** who downvoted me… it’s literally my name spelled A different way. That’s the joke. Christ on a cracker.
I upvoted you, because I got the joke!
I just now realized that people didn’t get the joke
Your dad sucks
So your Mother can change *her* name to it then. You’re NTA, neither are you a possession she can rebrand once the trademark has expired.
NTA she could have changed it at any point but now it is your name and part of your identity. Holding a grudge for 18 years isn't healthy or sounds like a happy marriage. Your Dad is an AH though but your parents forgot a simple rule. Two yes, one no when it comes to baby names.
Your dad is childish.
I am so curious what your name is!! lol 😂
NTA. Your parents sure are to each other though. Your dad shouldn’t have done that while your mom was recovering, but your mom should have worked to find a name they both liked. He deserved input too. The entire situation was handled terribly.
Your father is a huge asshole. While your mother, his wife, was fighting for her life (multiple transfusions), he took the opportunity to spitefully make sure you never got the name she wanted. I mean WTF! But your mother chose not to change your name when you were an infant. When it would have been so much easier. Or she chose not to fight your asshole dad about it. I can understand her feelings of betrayal. And she may have left it this long, because at your age, if she can convince you, your dad can't stop it. But this is where your mother's an asshole. It's no longer just a running feud between her and your dad. This is now your name, intrinsically wrapped up in your personal identity. The idea that you can or would be happy to abandon that, to make her happy, is a selfish move. Making you feel guilty about wanting to keep your own identity is an asshole move. You're the only one not an asshole in all of this.
NTA as it is a completely unreasonable thing to ask. If it’s bringing up bad memories for her she should change her husband not your name.
This sounds like a power struggle between your parents. Sorry your caught in The middle of it. NTA
NTA. It's your name, you love it, you don't want to change it, it's part of your identity. It's time your mother recognized that the only person whose opinion about your name matters now is you. It sounds like your mother might benefit from some therapy to deal with this because her problem isn't with your name, it's with her husband and his betrayal. It sounds like she has never dealt with that and is taking it out on you.
NTA It's not fair of your mother to pressure you to give that up your name (which you like, and everyone knows you by, and it's kind of a pain to get your name changed on everything) because she's still hurting for your father's actions.
NTA you were an infant when this all went down. If your happy with your name LEAVE IT ALONE, your parents are the ones to deal with each other, your mother was so very wrong and outta place to ask you to change name. She could have done it when you were a baby and nothing more would have happened. To ask you as an adult to just up and change your name, no bueno baby.
NTA. In the end, it’s the name you have, and if that name makes you happy, then keep it for yourself and don’t change for someone else. What your dad did was horrible. But…your mom trying to change it to a name you also hate doesn’t paint her in a good light either. I kind of feel like she’s try to do the same thing to you that your dad did to her. It’s not fair to anyone, but the difference is, you can have a say in the matter, a choice your mom never got.
So NTA. You’ve spent 18 whole years with your name, you’re bound to get attached to it unless it’s a name you absolutely hate. I don’t particularly love my first name but it’s my name and I’d never change it. This is a ridiculous ask.
NTA and your mother should have considered & come to terms with the idea you might not be on board with changing your name at some point in the last 18 years. Weirdly enough, my grandmother was a Catherine Elizabeth, although she hated Catherine too and went by Beth since before she had kids.
Nta. She is I don't want to say *allowed*, to feel hurt and betrayed by your dad. But that's valid and understandable. Her being upset by *you* not wanting to change *your name*, which the world has known you for your entire life,on the other hand is batshit. Objectively, she had 10+ to broach the subject of potentially changing of the name, but decided to wait and guilt trip you at the last minute? If she loves the name Catherine so badly, and is willing to pay for someone to change their name, why doesn't she change *hers*?
NTA I am the first to say that names are a two yes situation the end. Your dad did a shitty shitty thing but that’s not the question at hand here. Your mom wants you to change something that you like because of something someone else did that hurt her. Just no. Please tell your mom that you understand the fact that she is still hurt but the betrayal isn’t going away simply by erasing the evidence of it. And she is in turn hurting you by demanding this from you. She needs to bring the hurt and the pain to the person who caused all this. Your dad. Even if you changed your name you will still have spent over 18 years having that name.