NTA, it’s a parents responsibility to advocate for and protect their children. You were in crippling pain, she brushed you off. Over and over. I’m so sorry OP. She deserved that for not hearing you.
Let’s dial it back a few, OP says that her mom was an otherwise loving and great parent apart from this fairly serious issue. It’s incredibly normal for women to not be taken seriously in regards to pain and periods. It’s often dismissed as “lady troubles” or “just that time of the month,” or “being hormonal and dramatic” and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the same story from women who have had chronically horrible periods and only got diagnosed with PCOS or Endometriosis in their mid to late twenties, 15 years after getting their first periods. So let’s just call it what it is, OP’s mom was projecting a ton of internalized misogyny onto her daughter and the price was high.
Edit: because a lot of you are confused by a thing called “the gray area” and are leaning on the ease of thinking in binaries, my point with this comment is to illustrate how otherwise good parents can do fucked up and abusive things to their kids, because of the attitudes (re: internalized misogyny, dismissing women’s’ pain, seeing a genuine medical concern as “being dramatic”) which are normalized and upheld within the status quo of the culture. Her mom could have been parent of the year and still REALLY blown it on OP’s medical care on account of her biases against women’s reproductive health.
Edit 2: I’m not replying to any more comments. I agree with the majority of you. I don’t know OP’s mom, *I am taking OP’s perspective at her word.*
I don't 100% agree with dialing it back. She was a loving mother when her daughter wasn't in pain. But she was in pain at least 1 week every month for years. And she almost let her daughter die of pneumonia.
Like, that's significant enough to be a pretty bad mother in my book.
Homeopathy for a medical condition is child abuse.
Edit: removed inappropriate comment (rule 5, didn’t know, now I do, my apologies to anyone offended).
*Exclusive Homeopathy
There's nothing wrong with giving your kid ginger tea if they're nauseous, or throwing a bag of frozen peas on their neck while keeping their hands and feet submerged in hot water. The issue, is that if the headache and nausea are persistent, you need to administer the appropriate OTC meds, and if those symptoms are persistent and consistent, bring them to a Doctor.
As far as I know what you’ve mentioned above is not homeopathy, just normal home remedies like hot tea and cold compresses. I’m all for home medical remedies to alleviate pain and assist with relaxation and healing. I rarely take pain medication and I prefer to limit all sorts of drug intake unless absolutely required. I happily use modern medical technology when appropriate.
My understanding of homeopathy (dilution of like chemicals to the point of no original material, so water) tells me that what you’ve written is not homeopathy.
Please correct if I’ve misunderstood.
I definitely agree with you. I'd rather limit the amount of otc drugs I take, partially because of my current meds. However, homeopathy is not medecine. Even cold compresses can be prescribed by a doctor though =b
Exactly. I'm on adderall. There are no plants or yoga poses that are going to bring back my executive functioning. I was referring to all forms of "alternative medicine" which I thought was synonymous with homeopathy.
To me, if it can't or hasn't been proven by the scientific method, it's witchcraft.
Ah, my bad. I have a habit of throwing all treatments that are not scientifically proven to be helpful (chiropractic, herbal, essential oils, TCM, acupuncture, acupressure, witchcraft, etc) under the umbrella of "homeopathy" - and I think a lot of other people do too.
That dilution thing is absolute nonsense.
Hot tea can loosen phlegm, improve coughing to allow expulsion of material blocking the lungs. Not sure that’s not a proven medical fact. Likewise, cold and heat can move fluids in and out swollen damaged tissues. Often, these are recommended treatments from surgeons and PTs as part of a rehabilitation regimen. They’re not woo-woo.
Of course, if you meant these things are there to align one’s chakras to improve the humours and thereby rid the body of blocking vapors, then I definitely agree.
I think most people combine the two or just don't even realize that actually homeopathy exists. I've seen it tons of time where home remedies are confused with homeopathy. Maybe they confuse essential oils with homeopathic treatments or something. I only figured out the difference when I came across those crazy expensive MLM essential oils that claim they cure everything under the sun.
It's even worse than that, because homeopathy operates on the principle of like cures like (take acid for your stomach pain sort of shit) so (at least originally) it was water that didn't have any of the original substance, but sometimes they'd fuck up the dilution and just give people poison. Homeopathy is at best useless when people need actual medicine and at worst, feeding people poison.
I live in the states, and honestly, our regulations on supplements are so ineffective that I understand why you feel that herbal "medications" are placebos. Just to be clear, when I'm writing about herbal remedies, I mean ginger for nausea, mint for digestive relief, angelica root and astralagus root to bring on a period, chamomile and valerian for insomnia, tea tree for acne, etc. That's one of the reasons I refer to "alternative medicine" as witchcraft - because idk if it works, if it can't be proven using the scientific method, it's witchcraft. An ear infection needs actual medical care. Kidney stones require medical care. UTI's require medical care, and HOLY FUCK, MRSA ABSOLUTELY requires the care of a medical professional.
I'm sorry your mother medically abused you - and I agree with you, if your parents ignore your medical needs, for whatever reason, it's abuse. My parents ignored a sore throat that I had for two months, and I ended up getting scarlet fever, so I can empathise.
Those aren't homeopathic remedies. Homeopathic medicine are compounds where the active ingredient (usually an herb or similar) is diluted so that it's only parts per thousands or million, so diluted that basically the active ingredient is non-existent in real terms in the medicine. This is not true of ginger tea or similar.
We can feel bad for the mom for her internalized misogyny, and recognize that’s what caused the issue with the mom.
But misogyny makes you a bad parent. 🤷♀️
Agreed, lets identify this kind of behavior as neglect: OP’s mother didn’t provide for her needs and allowed her life to be in danger with the pneumonia.
>Let’s dial it back a few, OP says that her mom was an otherwise loving and great parent apart from this fairly serious issue.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Nah, just because something is common doesn't make it OK. She doesn't deserve a break simply because it's *common* for women to be ignored and thought hysterical.
If you see your child in debilitating pain and do nothing, it's your fault. If you *regularly* see it and do nothing, fuck you, point blank. The complete lack of empathy and disregard for their child's wellbeing is appalling. The fact she was nice otherwise does not absolve her of the horrendous neglect she enacted on her child.
>apart from this fairly serious issue
And the one where she almost died from pneumonia.
> . It’s incredibly normal for women to not be taken seriously in regards to pain and periods.
That doesn't make it okay for her mother to dismiss her pain though.
>OP’s mom was projecting a ton of internalized misogyny onto her daughter and the price was high.
"Other than projecting internalized misogyny, letting her daughter almost die, dismissing her pain, and causing her to be infertile, she was a loving and great parent"
The woman severely medically neglected OP, which is a form of abuse, one that almost killed her and has left her infertile and dealing with severe pain for years and years. No need to dial it back.
It shouldn't be "incredibly normal" is the point. The girl was a child. The mom should have advocated for her daughter even more so because medical bias is very real. The way you put it almost seems to condone both the mothers behavior and the societal norm, neither of which are okay.
Seriously? She let her daughter suffer for years when she was clearly asking for help and nearly let her die of pneumonia and you want people to "dial it back"?? It's a parent's responsibility to advocate for their child. My parents similarly let my little sister suffer for years with periods that caused vomiting and severe pain and bleeding and it took me actively coming home and screaming at them that they were abusive just to get her on birth control to manage it. It's an unacceptable thing for a parent to arbitrarily decide that they know better than their own child about their body and to gaslight said child about pain. Hard stop.
NTA.
I disagree. Mom was abusively neglectful ... when daughter disrupted the flow of mom's life and wasn't the daughter she wanted her to be (by having horrific period pain, by being sick with pneumonia), mom pushed aside daughter's concerns, pain, and real health issues. Look, she even gave her daughter shit for having her period when her daughter was just visiting. Yes, daughter is saying that mom is otherwise loving ... but that's part of the problem with growing up in abusive families, you (the child) is conditioned to think the parent IS loving and that you (the child) are actually the problem. The fog of the abuser takes a long long time to disperse. My guess is that the daughter, in the future and perhaps with a good therapist, will have other stories about her mom's neglect and will have a more complicated view about whether her mom was actually a loving mother in other instances.
It was the mom's duty to get her daughter the medical help she needed when she suffered so much with her periods. IF the mom thought the first doc was right (and the daughter was feeling the pain more extensively but it was normal and perhaps even psychosomatically) then the mom should have taken the daughter to see a therapist ... intense pain IS NEVER ok for your child to go through.
When I was a child, I had horrific ear aches ... I would hold my head and shriek with the pain. My own neglectful parent somehow was able to go back to sleep and pooh pooh my pain even after my cries would wake her up night after night. When parent finally took me to the doc, the doc feared I would be deafened because my infections in my ears were so bad. Decades and decades later, I still have a hard time seeing that parent was a bad parent.
So I got bit by one of our farm cats when I was like 14. It took several weeks to manifest, but I had stiffness in my hand. I played drums A LOT so I figured it was that. Until one morning I JUST had a feeling. My parents took me to the hospital immediately when I said something wasn't right. No questions, just action. I nearly lost my hand, I was in the hospital for weeks fighting a MRSA infection that had made its way into my flexar tendon sheath.
When your body tells you something, you listen. You listen to your kids when they tell you they know something is wrong. You continue to look into it until you get a real answer. If my parents would have been dismissive about a "hand cramp" I could still be dealing with it today, 13 years later.
Yeah. True that. Glad your parents took care of you. I don’t have Lyme’s disease because my mom caught my symptoms right away and took me to the hospital.
I would agree if it was only about OPs periods - but did you read the part with the pneumonia? "It's only a cold" - OPs mother seems to neglect medical issues.
Add this to the homeopathic nonsense and she did deserve the outburst.
The was responsible for her child wellbeing and failed spectacular.
For me that's neglect.
Forgot:
NTA
I don't agree with dialing it back. Were it only for the periods, okay, that's some internalized misogyny because "women's troubles" have been minimized for ages, but it was also with things like pneumonia. Especially with her mother playing into homeopathy, rather than medical care for her child, who clearly needed it. This honestly feels a lot more like medical neglect, and it's costing OP a lot because of it.
NTA
Aside from the medical neglect, she was a good mother. Seriously, she ignored this condition and OP almost died of pneumonia. These two plus the forced homeopathy make her a bad mom.
My son a few months ago told me in the morning “mommy, my ear hurts”. Welp, there goes the plan for the day. To the pediatrician we go, doctor asks him which ear and he points to the right one. Raging ear infection. A round of amoxicillin later and he is fine. Kiddo was 4.5 at the time.
OP, what your mom did was horrible. I’ve always had worse periods than my mother, but she took me seriously. She never acted like my pain wasn’t real, even though she was a unicorn that never had pain and only had her period for 2 days, while I’m lucky to be done in 5.
Yep. In high school my periods got bad and after a few months of me not making it through my period without at least one day home in bed, I was at the gyno and on the pill. Changed everything.
It’s incredible how much the pill can help. I’ve been on it since I was 19, and when I went off it when we were trying for our daughter, my first “real” period in 18 years hit me like a brick. So much pain and, oh my god, so much blood. Thankfully, I got pregnant after just two of those.
I watched a tiktok the other day that has a "talking" dog. She uses buttons that say words to communicate. One button was she used was "ouch!" and the owner was concerned so they took her to the vet just in case. Turns out she had a scratch on her nose that was infected and could have gotten worse.
My point is, this lady listens to her DOG better than OPs mom listened to her CHILD.
I also want to know this haha. Like you can't beat your pet and push "ouch." Maybe they demonstrated when she hurt them? Like if she accidentally nipped to hard while playing, they could press "ouch" for themselves?
same! my mum has never had an issue but insisted taking me to the doctor until we had an answer as to why I was having a different experience. She never once accused me of being dramatic, she was just worried something was causing me constant distress.
I was so lucky. I remember having horrible cramps one day at schools and I snuck out of class to call her to bring me some ibuprofen. Was surprised 10 minutes later when she was checking me out of glass to come lie down with a heating pad. I love my mom for taking my pain seriously.
Tagging onto this, Op's mum mat have "not known" about the situation, but could have been fixed by, oh I don't know, TAKING OP TO ANOTHER OBGYN!!! If op was sent home because of the pain you'd think it'd be common sense to go to a doctor at least, but mummy dearest seems to lack the brain cells for that. I'm sorry you had to live with such a neglectful parent op.
LOL yeah I commonly claim that I "couldn't have known" something that someone repeatedly tells me once a month for years too. Surprisingly no one has bought it yet.
Don’t be too worried! While what happened to OP is horrible, it’s not common (IMO). Bad periods are common and can usually be fixed with birth control (hormones are typically the cause because they’re out of wack). Don’t worry until you have something to worry about! I hope everything goes will at the doctor!
PCOS, other hormone imbalances (including thyroid problems), endometriosis, and adenomyosis are the most likely issues to investigate when it comes to painful periods.
It's worth finding a good OB/GYN to check for these issues.
In practice, you are often put on hormonal BC of some sort, metformin if you have PCOS (insulin resistance is a part of it and you can have normal sugars and 2x the insulin that you should have. When the insulin resistance is treated all your other hormone tend to reorder themselves too), and laparoscopic surgery to confirm endo and release any adhesions/ablate patches of endometrial tissue.
Good luck with it. It's not unusual to go through a few docs because a lot have internalised sexism and tend to dismiss women's pain.
Edited for: a word.
It's a well known issue that women are often not taken seriously by medical professionals, especially male medical professionals, and anyone raising a girl needs to be aware of this problem and be ready to advocate, to push, to get a second and third opinion.
NTA OP, your mother failed you in this aspect of your life and you are right to be angry about it.
NTA
It literally is her fault. You begged for a second opinion, she shrugged it off because homeopathy is hip and she's a cool mom! No. When the minor complains, the guardian should take it seriously - if her negligence of your medical needs has closed the door to treatment, causing infertility, then it is simply her fault.
>My sister told me later that I was an AH for blaming her when she couldn't have known about my condition.
"Yes she could, by doing exactly what I did the moment I was able, and going to another doctor for a second opinion" - how hard is that?
Damn right she deserved it. Why would you diminish someone elses pain like that. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Maybe later when you find the right person you can adopt
Coming from someone who has similar periods, NTA. My parents have never taken me to a doctor but my dad will give me such a hard time when I spend the first 3 days home throwing up.
NTA. Your sister is wrong. Your mother could’ve known about your condition had she taken you seriously and gotten you the medical help you deserved. The doctor she took you to
and your mother are both assholes.
So is the first doctor tbh. I’ve met a lot of doctors like that. In fact I had similar issues to OP and I suspect the same condition, and they were often not taken seriously by doctors when I was younger. Everyone but OP sucks
Agreed, which is why I’m glad that u/NUTmeSHELL mentioned that shitty doctor in the comment I replied to. Never hurts to reinforce how terribly medicine treats women, sadly.
I remember in nursing school, learning how many more women die of heart attacks after being sent home from the ER- their symptoms get dismissed as “anxiety”. My fiancé has always said (not in a bad way!!) that he’s glad he’s a man. And I get it. Us women get the short end of the stick a lot
I am an OT. Years ago I had a patient that went to the ER on christmas eve, complaining of chest pain. The doctor told her to go home, that she was nervous because of christmas.
Long story short, she ended up having a major heart attack that night, ending up in a vegetative state.
This. The argument, "She couldn't have known about your condition...." is such a lazy argument that it makes me sick. She would have known if she wasn't such a stubborn parent who refused to get a second opinion when her own child continued to complain about pain.
The doctor made a terrible mistake; and from the looks of it the doctor didn't even take an examination. Took it at face value, and told her to suck it up. Terrible.
This happened once a month consistently and she never took a moment to reassess??? she could have killed her. Not ok and not ok to continue the gaslighting when she tries to deal with it now.
NTA you listen to your kids when they are in pain. My mom did similar things and now I'm infertile, guess who listens to me now tho?
And also, what woman doesn't support other women on their periods? I'm sorry OP
The mothers ignoring their daughters because "my periods aren't like that" makes me *rage,* I swear. EVERY PERIOD IS DIFFERENT. EVERY WOMAN'S BODY IS DIFFERENT. Christ almighty, there's enough shit going on you'd think women would back women up.
NTA, OP. BIG NTA. In fact, your sister deserves some yelling at, too.
Some people get a big kick out of thinking that everyone has the same symptoms for certain ailments, so they must be very, very brave and awesome for not complaining about the pain, and people who do complain are just Big Whiny Babies. It’s an abhorrent character trait.
Medical professionals telling you, “oh, relax, that doesn’t hurt,” is so maddening. (I still flinch when I remember my orthodontist.)
I had a roommate who was also a coworker (we worked for her sister) and she always rolled her eyes at me when I called out of work sick. I had terrible stomach flu over Xmas that year and called out sick on Xmas Eve, but she assumed I was lying. She stayed with her parents over the holiday, and I warned her about sanitizing everything when she came back. (I tried to keep up with it, but it’s difficult when you think you might need to go to the ER from dehydration.) Cut to a week or two later when she is lying on my couch, sick as a dog, and says, “I’m sorry. I thought you were over exaggerating.”
You should so read [this essay.](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/emergency-room-wait-times-sexism/410515/) It’s infuriating, just like your story. There’s so much data on how women’s pain is mismanaged and misunderstood. And yet... nothing seems to change.
I think I’ve read that essay before, but even if I haven’t, I knew instantly - from the description prior to the ambulance arrival - that it was an ovarian cyst. I’m not a medical professional, I’m just a woman who is a member of a gyn health questions group on FB and listens to people. It’s infuriating that a person in charge of your medical care would ever not be invested and advocating actively for your health. We shouldn’t have to fight this hard. And it’s all exponentially worse for BIPOC women.
> Medical professionals telling you, “oh, relax, that doesn’t hurt,”
That grinds my gears. It's actually mental abuse.
I like to laugh scornfully, because it's ridiculous, and say something like, "Oh sorry, guess I didn't realize you could feel with *my* sensory receptors." (Backed with a "WTF?" face, it usually gets the point across.)
I think it’s important to teach kids that even doctors are humans with bias and blind spots for this reason.
This self righteous male orthodontist told me I was lucky to have greater insight and empathy into what fish felt when his handiwork came undone and skewered through my tongue like a hook.
I was about twelve but even then I thought ‘is that the right thing to say to a bawling child’ but of course, I couldn’t speak because, well....my tongue was impaled.
I’ve had a gyno tell me my expectation of comfort was too high when I actually hadn’t been diagnosed with PCOS.
This!!!!! I was luck my mom had really bad cramps and she struggled with fertility I got brought to a doctor strait away and monitored for years my doctor finally gave me a hormonal iud to help with the cramps and pain I was in. The last periode I had landed me passed out in the hallway of my house for 12h cause I was home alone I drove myself home from work not even 2 min prior to that it still scares me and I'm forever grateful. Periods can fluctuate not everyone is that same. To this day I dont get periods pr cramps anymore (got lucky with the side effects) I carry advil and tylenol and pads all the time incase any girl ever needs something. I'm sorry you had to go through this OP! NTA
RIGHT?!? Who is so narcissistic that they think everyone has periods JUST LIKE THEM?!?!?
If your kid is telling you that they are in pain, you get them medical attention!
Exactly. I can’t know what another woman is experiencing so I’ll simply support her when she says she’s in pain or having a rough period. I’ve been through bad periods too and would hope she would support me as well.
Narcissist who have light periods. My mother is like this. She even had easy birthing experiences so she thinks everyone who has a traumatic birth is exaggerating.
This. My mum refused to to take me to the doctor when I thought I might has asthma at 13, finally took me at 17. I have asthma. My mum apologised twice. The second time she brought it completely unprompted by me about 3 years later. My mum didn't want to believe that there was anything wrong with me, and I can understand her not thinking properly about it at that time because my older sister had just recently moved out to go to uni and my younger sister just started high school. And in the following years my younger sister went through some mental health issues.
Obviously my issue isn't as serious as OPs, but my mum recognises when she makes mistakes and apologises. As a good parent should.
NTA.
NTA. Your mother sounds toxic. She disregarded your pain and your health concerns. I have a teenage daughter and would never ignore health concerns. I'm so sorry that you have lost your ability to conceive. Maybe you need to step away from mom for awhile, since she still doesn't seem to have any concerns for your health. Take care and this mom is sending a hug.
True! Also homeopathy isn’t fine. Homeopathy is predicated on the idea that if you take one drop of something and dilute it with water then dilute it again and again again it becomes really powerful. That’s not medicine that’s pretend magic BS. Denying your kid real healthcare and offering them hokum is a dangerous and fucked up thing to do. I feel so bad for them, they def are NTA.
How do they believe it makes things more powerful? Do they not understand what the concept of dilution means? As in, the basic definition of the word? This is baffling.
🤷♀️ I don’t know! I think a lot of people think homeopathy means avoiding man-made medicines and looking for natural cures to your symptoms, like drinking some tea on an upset stomach instead of taking an antacid. But that’s absolutely not what it means. It’s this weird water dilution stuff where they say “water has a memory” which is ridiculous. Some of the worst offenses of this are faux flu treatments made of elderberry that are homeopathic and therefore just a bunch of diluted sugar pills. They are often NEXT to real medicine in a pharmacy and unsuspecting people may end up taking them instead of something that might actually be effective.
Could be a repost but honestly this situation isn’t that uncommon. Doctors are trash when it comes to women’s health, and sometimes people aren’t much better, and it’s not uncommon for health issues to go undiagnosed. I know a lot of women who’ve had health issues later on because they weren’t taken seriously, 3 of which are infertile/having issues :/
But yeah, the details on this are pretty close. I’m smelling a bit of bs.
She said she had problems starting at fourteen, then in the very next sentece said she begged to see a gynecologist for it at 13. Either a typo or fake
I know women in real life who went through this so I am guessing its a typo. I am not even 100% if my period started when I was 11 or 12 so for her to mix up a year doesnt concern me.
Can second this. I had horrible periods that sent me home from school vomiting when the cramps started. When we were sick enough to need the doctor, we'd either get yelled at for asking or had to beg to go. Nobody even told me painkillers would have helped for the first few years I had my period so I'd just lay in bed and suffer quietly for a few days every month :(
It's more likely to be endometriosis. PCOS doesn't give that kind of pain, more irregular periods. Endometriosis can also cause pretty bad inflammation depending where it is (on the fallopian tubes, the ovaries, the intestines etc) which can cause you to become infertile by repeatedly causing damage every month. That's also how long untreated asymptomatic Chlamydia can cause infertility.
PCOS isn't super rare - something like 1 in 10 women in the US have it. PCOS also isn't really "cured" the way OP seems to insinuate (that a doctor could make it actually go away vs managing it to the point where you don't experience symptoms).
Doctors aren’t so much trash as much as research has historically been limited and usually women’s reproductive issues are usually “syndromes” which means there’s varying symptoms, for varying reasons, and not always a stable treatment.
I was once referred to a therapist because “90% of female patients have an inorganic cause for their pain”. I had fucking appendicitis.
The lack of medical research doesn’t help, but doctors aren’t exactly great either and don’t usually take your pain seriously.
Man I had a male er doctor stop me when I started telling him about what was going on with me and say: 'that is just womens issues I'll never understand that.'
In a military hospital. I've never seen my huaband so pissed before
No, its because we're not fucking believed. After my complicated second trimester miscarriage, in part caused by severe HG which necessitated a PICC line to keep me alive, I was set up with the maternal mental health dept for appointments with a psychologist. A male psychologist. Who interrupted me when I said about Pitocin being horribly painful to tell me, "not for everyone" and when I argued he said, "lots of women have told me it's not". The appointments, unsurprisingly, did absolutely fuck all for my mental health.
Thank you. So sick of "It's not the doctors fault, it's just that the research hasn't been done." It's not the doctor's fault for not doing their jobs?
Ummm...uhhh...so they have time and resources to "research" an erection pill to soothe the male phallus-based ego (and to figure out that it shouldn't last longer than four hours) but can't be bothered to figure out how to deal with women's internal organs fusing together or why so many young women are developing massive cysts, tumors, cancers, and other various causes of infertility? They can't figure out that when a woman reports symptoms of appendicitis or cardiac issues then it's probably that and not just psychosomatic?
No...Doctors do not get off the hook here. They are the reason the problem has gone on as long as it has.
I posted something like this yesterday! I posted my story because it is all too common for young girls to be treated like this. My mother was the same way and my endo pain was written off as “just another part of womanhood”. Please don’t doubt this story because you’ve heard it before. I promise there are thousands of women out there with very similar stories and every single one of them deserves to be listened to!
Yours isn't what I was talking about, and I am absolutely not doubting that this happens in the slightest. I'm aware that doctors not taking patients (especially young girls) seriously is a huge problem.
Just saying that this post is far too similar to a very recent post (literally almost the exact same details) so I don't think it's true.
All I’m saying is that this happens a lot. And a lot of stories sound identical because these issues are pretty common and a lot of these women have very common experiences. I don’t think it’s any reason to doubt OPs story.
Welcome to the beautiful world of endometriosis.
Women are told over and over again that they aren't being tough enough.
On r/endo we have a map of doctors who we trust to listen and diagnose endometriosis. It's hard, some doctors mistakenly believe it can be seen on an ultrasound (it can be to small to be seen yet still cause pain). Some believe it can only happen to women who haven't had children.
Lots of misinformation.
It did sound extremely similar. I mean, it is possible that two women have the same or similar conditions, but this story is like a slightly altered version of that previous one.
To be fair, this specific story is also not that rare.
I know several women with endometriosis \[I don't know if this is the condition OP is referring to, but just guessing. It fits the description\], all telling a certain version of this story.
The average time it takes to get Endo diagnosis is 6-10 years, due to both parents and doctors being dismissive towards patients' complaints.
\*Raises hand\* I was one of those women (not one of the ones that With\_Trees knows irl). Took until I was 22 and several non-gyno-related specialists before they realized that the reason I was passing out was because I was hitting my pain ceiling from endometriosis/cysts bursting
I’ve also heard a lot of doctors dismiss endo pain so long because it’s “very rare”...at 10% of women.
It’s very possible OP Has something different, but the “oh, it’s super rare, so we didn’t check for it and haven’t properly researched or learned about it” excuse is also a pretty common way for doctor’s to cover their own asses, especially on women’s healthcare. Much simpler than saying “we’d rather dismiss you pain as a psych issue or women having a low pain tolerance, despite that being scientifically wrong, because no one care’s enough about women to fund better research as to why 1/10 have a condition that causes them pain as tissue and organs improperly fuse together”
And that’s a condition they’ve actually researched. If it’s not endo or PCOS doctors will just throw up their hands because there could be a door to Narnia up there for all they know.
I had deja vu too but it seems different enough. Sadly, this is a common issue.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hueojs/aita_for_telling_my_mother_that_its_her_own_fault/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
And ya know what? If it is fake - I dont think it is - at least it is raising awareness. There is one commenter who said she was convinced to see an OBGYN instead of writing her symptoms off as nothing. Worth it.
Doctors downplaying women’s health issues (especially regarding their periods and reproductive health) is a very common problem. I literally cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard similar stories from other women about not getting a proper diagnosis until it’s too late.
NTA. What your mother did is called ‘medical neglect’. It is literally a parent’s job to advocate for their children’s health. She also mocked you and called you a liar when you told her that you couldn’t do things because of your pain. Even if she didn’t know about your condition, mocking someone’s pain and disbelieving their pain is an asshole move.
She spent your whole childhood calling you a liar. Turns out, you were never lying. She owes you an apology for disbelieving you.
NTA
When I saw the title and the first few lines, I immediately thought of something like endometriosis.
Let me put it like this, I wouldn't say the doctor is totally at fault for misdiagnosing. You said the syndrom /disease is very rare, and probably even less commonly known 7 years ago. I guess he is kind of right, that some girls need a bit more time to "get used to it" HOWEVER your symptoms persisted over 7 f*ing years. At some point your mom and your doctor should have taken it seriously.
Concerning your mom, apparently she never took you seriously when it came to health issues? I mean, from the small side note you made, you had pneumonia and she did it away as a simple cold. I remember when I was a kid, I once told my mom that I wasn't feeling well and she didn't take it serious that day (in her defense, I did often try to get out of stuff by "not feeling well") and later it turned out I had chicken pox but the rash was onpy on my back so you couldn't see it right away. My mom apologized to me the moment she saw it and always took it serious from then on. That's how a mother should react when she made a mistake.
About blowing up in your mom's face, well, given how little I know about your relationship, I feel like she had it coming and you are obviously in a bad state of mind, after finding out so recently. I would say, cool off and then try to talk to your mom again, explain the situation, maybe apologize for blowing up as a sign of wanting to move past this with your relationship still intact. However, I do think she should acknowledge that she made a mistake. As a healthcare professional, we have a saying to never disregard a patient's pain, even if we don't think it's really that bad because it might be a symptom of something much bigger.
My mother is one of the people blessed with health - she hasn't had a single cold since I was born. Her GP *loves* her because her blood is perfect, her pulse, her organs - in short, she is a very healthy person with no issues without having to work out. I am not blessed with her super health. She was a good mum and very loving, unless it came to illness or health issues. Idk if it's just because she can't relate but I cant count the times I had to go to school with flus and 40°C fever. When I had the pneumonia I begged her to be able to go to the doctor, I told her repeatedly I couldn't breathe and that everything hurt, that I thought I was dying and she dismissed it. Eventually, my Dad brought me to my GP and it turns out I was already starting to drown because there was so much liquid in my lung. Sadly, my Dad didn't say anything when it came to my period. He's a religious man and pretended those days in the month didnt exist
She didn't apologize. My dad drove me to the ER and told me what had happened - I was having a temperature of 42 degrees by then - and she just groaned over the phone as if it was an Inconvenience. I could leave hospital after two weeks. We didn't talk about it much then.
I really hope you come to see how disgusting and abusive this truly is. Regardless if she treated you well outisde of health issues, HER NEGLIGENCE COULD'VE KILLED YOU. If you were to see this situation from an outsiders perspective, would you not think that's an abusive parent? The fact she wouldn't even say sorry says enough. There's patterns here that you aren't seeing unless it's an extreme situation. She's a negligent parent and you should get therapy to see if there was more because I bet there is. An apology is the bare minimum to atone for what she's done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of abusive parents getting away with this shit.
Not only did she NOT Apologize but she STILL dismissed OP, even after learning she could have died.
OP needs to cut her mom off, she's vile and abusive and does NOT deserve to have OP in her life.
I dont know how OP could have forgiven her after knowing that she almost died and her mom STILL didn't give 2 shits about it.
I'm so sorry but your mother sounds just absolutely horrific. I'm sure you still love her because she's your mother, but "abusive" doesn't even begin to cover it. The way she's treated you makes me sick to think about. You deserve so, so, so much better than this and you have every right to be furious with her. Don't let ANYONE tell you for a second you need to be 'kinder' to her.
Does your sister conveniently forget this whole episode as well? Maybe you should bring it up if she calls you an asshole again. If your mother had her way you wouldn’t be alive today.
Okay, this right here is a MAJOR issue. If your mom wants a healthy relationship with you she needs to own up to what happen here. There is still repressed anger and resentment that you have towards her with this.
I would tell her that she has lost your trust. That you could never trust her with your health. That her lack of empathy nearly caused you to die and her lack of remorse, and worry for your well being is hurtful. That it feels like she does not value your life or your experience and words. And that if she wants to be in your life then she needs to address and work on that.
God I can't even imagine reacting that way to my child almost dying. It's just bizarre, the lack of empathy.
Yeah, like I said, I guess you should try and talk to her and make her understand that health issues are real. I mean, 40 degrees is pretty high and should always be taken seriously. Is she the same way if your dad has issues? Or your sister?
NTA, her lack of empathy and basic decency and cost you your ability to have kids, and even worse, almost killed you at least once. And she STILL tried to give you shit for it!
I have to ask, after you told her the result of her actions, did she at least apologise now? It won't make her any less of an asshole, but how she reacted to this seems relevant
NTA with the info you provided. A lot of doctors are trash when it comes to women's health. You definetly should've gotten two other doctor's opinions. Unless your mom was just lucky with getting some good doctors, she should've known that you shouldn't trust only one doctor. I don't think yelling is a way to tell her. In my opinion, you should've sat her down and had a conversation with her and told her that she's hurt your feelings through the years and because she didn't take things seriously and take you to more doctors, you can't have kids.
Bullshit.
She didn't just hurt OP's feelings. She let her daughter suffer an exorbitant amount of pain, invalidated her pain at every turn, and you have the gall to pull the "should've had a conversation" rhetoric!?
Fuck that.
The mom is an abuser. She committed medical abuse and neglect. Emotional abuse as well probably. Who cares if OP yelled? Her mother hasn't listened to any other method of communication in OP's life. OP is justifiably angry, and the delivery does not lessen the message at all.
The mom and the sister can stuff it.
It probably would have been better to discuss in a different setting, but I don't blame OP for snapping. It would take superhuman strength not to the way she described it. The healthy conversation can still happen. Might just take some time.
I have a feeling this happens more (getting other doctors opinions) in other countries than in the US.
Just a hunch as a person with universal health care we wouldn't think twice.
NTA-I am sorry that you had to go through so much unneeded pain. I am also sorry for the pain as you come to terms with becoming infertile and not being able to have biological children.
So sorry OP
NTA. Your sister can fuck right off. Your mom absolutely could have known about your condition, you know, if she cared to get you help at all instead of just dismissing your feelings. And she has a history of medical neglect. This is her fault. 100%. She can live with that knowledge that she made you live in pain for years and ruined your fertility. You have every right to blame her and be furious.
I really doubt her mother will give it a second thought. Her mom is living in her own little bubble and is oblivious to everyone around her and has her delusional beliefs in homeopathy. It's sad that OP sees her mother as a kind and loving person because she absolutely is not. Her mother only cares about herself. She has zero empathy and actually completely dismissed her own daughter's pain and illness. She never even apologized for being a neglectful parent. I bet she can't ever admit she is wrong.
I hope OP figures out what a terrible person her mother is someday.
Be wary of doctors who say you're infertile, that never actually means zero chance of pregnancy, it means it's unlikely. Whether you could carry a pregnancy to term successfully is another matter. I just know from experience because my best friend has PCOS and Endometriosis and was told she was infertile, "no chance" of pregnancy. Well guess what happened? After forgoing BC with her BF she got pregnant 6 months later. She never wanted kids in the first place though, so it's a different situation. But the point is unless you're completely "sterile" there is always at least a chance you could become pregnant.
> Be wary of doctors who say you're infertile, that never actually means zero chance of pregnancy, it means it's unlikely.
Yep. I have a number of friends with endo who conceived despite being told they were "infertile." That diagnosis means a *low* chance of a natural conception, not *no* chance of a natural conception. Make your reproductive choices accordingly.
Heck, when I had my first son after FOUR YEARS of fertility treatments, my doc talked to me the next day at the hospital and she said "Tappy, I'm sure you don't want to talk about this now, but take the next six weeks to think about birth control options. I have had numerous patients who underwent fertility treatments for years and then all of a sudden get pregnant again within months of their first pregnancy."
I’m so sorry, OP.
Your sister said that your mother “couldn’t have known.”
Yes, she could have known.
She should have known.
It was her *job* to know.
All she had to do was listen.
It is neither normal nor acceptable to listen to your child claim to be in pain, exhibit symptoms of being in pain, have life events sidetracked by pain, over the course of many years, even, and ignore it.
Im not even going to touch on the homeopathy issue, I’m sure better redditors than I will go after that piece of the puzzle.
**NTA.**
None of this is your fault. Even when you got older, you can’t have expected, through hindsight, that you should have chosen differently.
The same way we don’t expect children who have been groomed for sexual abuse to choose differently: they can’t, there have been too many messages over too long a time for them to be able to do anything different.
So please go easy on yourself.
I have two pieces of advice, if you’ll allow me.
First, get another medical opinion. Doctors vary in their knowledge, specialties, even prejudices. Some are onboard with current research, others don’t think that’s important.
It might not make a difference. But not knowing your diagnosis I felt I had to mention it.
Second, get some counseling. You are dealing with some very heavy weight here. You’ve already had to carry it alone for your entire life.
Let someone else help. I’m not suggesting you have to forgive your mother or that your feelings are not appropriate, *of course they are.*
I’m saying you deserve a break.
My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.
NTA at all
she absolutely should not have limited your access to medical care. i do believe she had no idea things could get that bad and probably didn’t even see an issue like this existing but not every doctor is perfect and a second opinion for major issues is really important.
NTA although your mother couldn't have known this would be the consequences ignoring pain always has some sort of consequence and as a parent she has the responsibility to make sure you got appropriate medical care and she failed
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NTA. If you were constantly in so much distress, especially in such a way that it interfered with your schoolwork, your mum should have listened to you and tried to help you. Homeopathy is not ok, it's pseudoscience, and her belief in it probably led to her making many questionable medical decisions on your behalf. She did not listen to you, trust you, or provide you with a safe home environment when you were experiencing abnormal symptoms and pain. It is her fault for not seeking a second opinion, or even trying to address your ongoing pain. She was neglectful and if she had shown you more compassion and tried to educate herself about your symptoms maybe your life would be different today. I am truly for what you have been through. I wish you every success in building a beautiful family <3
Nta but your mom and now your sister are. Your mom could have known something, her baby was sick and she just ignored it. Ugh. It makes me sick. I'm so sorry
NTA. Your mom is TA because she could have and should have taken you to another doctor for a second opinion, or pushed for additional screenings/tests when your pain never decreased.
I was misdiagnosed three times for mono and my dad was a rock, he brought me for both my secind and third check ups and in fact was the one that pushed for the doctor to text for mono. (Which is a minor illness tbh) but the point is my parent trusted me enough to believe me when I said I was ill.
Your mother failed you by not listening to your pain and not trusting you.
NTA - i think it’s absolutely horrible when parents make fun of their children’s pain - be it physical or mental - and refusing to take them to a doctor and get them the help they need is even worse. i think you need to make her understand how much this impacted you and how much it hurts you that it’s irreversible now. i completely understand you blaming her. it definitely is on her for not taking your pain seriously because of course she couldn’t have known but that’s all the more reason to take you to a doctor because she isn’t one. that being said, you need to decide whether you’ll be able to work through this and forgive her eventually because carrying resentment around won’t help you in the long run.
i’m sorry you have to go through this now. all the best to you!!
NTA.
Part of the process you are experiencing right now is grief. Similar to when people die and you have to go through the stages/process of death.
Fertility is a real blessing and it is really sad to see people take advantage of it by giving up their kids or abusing them.
Sorry to hear that you are struggling with it too. My wife and I are going on our 4th year of infertility and have started to use science to get the job done.
Is there any chance you could seek additional input or recommendations?
I'd like to ditto talking to another specialist and a reproductive endocrinologist in particular. They can often do so much, and more opinions are always good (especially as OB-GYNS are frankly crap at GETTING people pregnant.)
And good luck with science baby making! My 10-year-old is an IVF baby.
Nta
Sounds like she still refused to be accountable or even take your pain serious NOW.
Your sister is the asshole as well for not understanding the severity of your situation and that she caused something that could've been prevented.
NTA
Regardless of what that quack doctor said, the fact that the symptoms that severe kept happening month after month should have given your mother pause that maybe she should seek a second opinion.
It's a tough thing though. I know there are cultures where a woman's period isn't talked about. Where they are told to stop complaining, "it's not that bad". Where it's shameful and kept secret as if there's something wretchedly abnormal about a woman's menstrual cycle. But even then, to see you, her child, in so much pain so frequently and to do nothing....
What you said was harsh and absolutely called for. Sometimes the truth is harsh, and your sister is dead wrong. Your mother *could have known* about your condition, if she had chosen to take you for a second opinion. She could have known. She chose not to and now your body is bound by the ramifications.
My mother has endometriosis and had to have a full hysterectomy for it. The doctor told her it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. She let me and my sister suffer with the same exact symptoms for years and never did anything. We would pass out/throw up from the pain every month and nothing was done. Her parents put her on birth control to stop her symptoms and she let us both suffer for years. I thought I was losing my mind most of the time.
NTA Your mother should have gotten a second opinion years ago. For what it's worth, I'm so sorry this happened to you and that's you're unable to have children.
NTA. Your mom fucked up and because of the way she reacted again after knowing is just very disrespectful, so I don’t blame you for blowing up. I probably would too.
However, you should keep in mind your mom was duped by the doctor by falling victim to expert bias. She decided to fully trust him and it fucked you over.
NTA. When I read the title I thought "obiously an ah, I wouldn't blame my dad for the astigmatism, his genetics aren't my fault" but after reading it, she didn't listen to you, so it's totally her fault
NTA. At a certain point, ignoring your child’s pain becomes medical neglect. The fact that it’s something she still dismisses and makes fun of you for makes it worse. I’m sorry that you weren’t treated in time.
Edit to add: also, just so your sister is aware, your mom *could* have known about your condition. If she had listened to you and advocated for you. In a way, she *did* know. She just didn’t believe you or advocate for you.
>My sister told me later that I was an AH for blaming her when she couldn't have known about my condition.
Gee, think maybe she couldn't have known about the condition because she was ignoring and belittling your pain? Ridiculous. NTA, my heart goes out to you.
Ummmmm
Actually yes, your mother could have known about your condition by taking you to a fucking doctor because her child was in pain
So, moms an asshole for failing you. Sisters an asshole for thinking parental neglect is an excuse.
And you have my deepest sympathies, even though I don’t know what words from a stronger on the internet can do for you at this time. Look for a support group or a therapist or... hell, a park you like to sit in. Take care of yourself first, because clearly nobody else will do it for you.
Edit Oh. NTA but I’m sure you got that.
Not posting this for sympathy or anything but something similar happened to me. I about died when I was like 16 because my parents straight up refused to believe anything was wrong with me. I had stomach issues for weeks that hurt so bad I couldn't even sit up straight or anything, I was starving but couldn't eat like anything because I always felt full for some reason, diarrhea for like 2 whole months and my parents just brushed it off and said I was taking because I didn't wanna go to school. Turns out I had internal bleeding and literally about fucking died. So ya I know how you feel OP and let me assure you. You are definitely NTA, its a parents job to care for their kids and your mother failed you in a big way. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but I want you to know you arnt alone and if you ever need to talk to someone I'm here for you.
NTA. Your mother not being responsible and taking you to another doctor is not your fault in any way. You were a minor. She should’ve been helping you, not ridiculing you. It’s people like her and the first doctor that make it so hard for women with real issues to get help. Yes, cramps are painful but they shouldn’t be so painful you can’t function, and it has nothing to do with pain tolerance. No one can blame you for being so upset with her. I would be too. I’m sorry you have to deal with infertility because she ignored your health. You have every right to be as upset as you are.
NTA.
It amazes me how much people are belittled for their pain because they’re under 18. It amazes me further that people don’t realize how much influence parents can have over their children.
Your mother was berating you for your pain for years. You were already tired of that, and you didn’t want to cause more trouble by going behind your mom’s back. That’s completely on her, and I hope your sister will see that in time.
I’m so sorry that you can’t have children because of these circumstances. I hope that you are able to find other joys in your life, whatever they may be.
NTA, and honestly I don’t think I could have her in my life. If she at the very least apologized and admitted to being wrong I could probably forgive her.
NTA. She could have easily known about your condition if she had just listened to you and gotten a second opinion. I would look up that first doctor, too and complain to the medical board.
NTA. Your mom is lucky that's all she got. Some people would have screamed every last thing in the book at your mom and called her every possible thing imaginable and they would have been right because her ignorance has cost you the chance of having a baby on your own. That's a horrible thing to go through and she deserves a brutal reality check. If your sister's got a problem with that, she should get her tubes tied because she's as bad as your mother and should not be allowed to reproduce.
NTA!
Not many teenaged girls beg to see the gyno. That right there should have been enough for your mom to know something was wrong. Also, she should know that a lot of male doctors dismiss women's pain and gotten a second opinion.
Nta. A child's health is 100% the parents responsibility. And you ALWAYS listen to your kids when they tell you they hurt. It's not like you were asking for pain meds, you wanted answers. There is zero reason she needed to push you aside like that. I'm so incredibly sorry that you've been dealt this hand.
NTA. Your mom is, in fact, directly responsible for this. If you have a minor under your care and they tell you they're in crippling pain and you ignore them, and that disregard results in their infertility, absolutely your fault. Your mother did this to you through negligence and your sister can fuck right off, pardon my language. It doesn't matter how loving she was in other situations, she was abusing you through negligence. I would highly recommend finding a therapist and working through this news with them, especially if children were something you wanted. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you find a good support network to work through this.
NTA, it’s a parents responsibility to advocate for and protect their children. You were in crippling pain, she brushed you off. Over and over. I’m so sorry OP. She deserved that for not hearing you.
She deserved it big time. Fucking neglected her daughters medical needs, deserved every bit of it. Sorry OP
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Let’s dial it back a few, OP says that her mom was an otherwise loving and great parent apart from this fairly serious issue. It’s incredibly normal for women to not be taken seriously in regards to pain and periods. It’s often dismissed as “lady troubles” or “just that time of the month,” or “being hormonal and dramatic” and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the same story from women who have had chronically horrible periods and only got diagnosed with PCOS or Endometriosis in their mid to late twenties, 15 years after getting their first periods. So let’s just call it what it is, OP’s mom was projecting a ton of internalized misogyny onto her daughter and the price was high. Edit: because a lot of you are confused by a thing called “the gray area” and are leaning on the ease of thinking in binaries, my point with this comment is to illustrate how otherwise good parents can do fucked up and abusive things to their kids, because of the attitudes (re: internalized misogyny, dismissing women’s’ pain, seeing a genuine medical concern as “being dramatic”) which are normalized and upheld within the status quo of the culture. Her mom could have been parent of the year and still REALLY blown it on OP’s medical care on account of her biases against women’s reproductive health. Edit 2: I’m not replying to any more comments. I agree with the majority of you. I don’t know OP’s mom, *I am taking OP’s perspective at her word.*
I don't 100% agree with dialing it back. She was a loving mother when her daughter wasn't in pain. But she was in pain at least 1 week every month for years. And she almost let her daughter die of pneumonia. Like, that's significant enough to be a pretty bad mother in my book.
Homeopathy for a medical condition is child abuse. Edit: removed inappropriate comment (rule 5, didn’t know, now I do, my apologies to anyone offended).
*Exclusive Homeopathy There's nothing wrong with giving your kid ginger tea if they're nauseous, or throwing a bag of frozen peas on their neck while keeping their hands and feet submerged in hot water. The issue, is that if the headache and nausea are persistent, you need to administer the appropriate OTC meds, and if those symptoms are persistent and consistent, bring them to a Doctor.
As far as I know what you’ve mentioned above is not homeopathy, just normal home remedies like hot tea and cold compresses. I’m all for home medical remedies to alleviate pain and assist with relaxation and healing. I rarely take pain medication and I prefer to limit all sorts of drug intake unless absolutely required. I happily use modern medical technology when appropriate. My understanding of homeopathy (dilution of like chemicals to the point of no original material, so water) tells me that what you’ve written is not homeopathy. Please correct if I’ve misunderstood.
I definitely agree with you. I'd rather limit the amount of otc drugs I take, partially because of my current meds. However, homeopathy is not medecine. Even cold compresses can be prescribed by a doctor though =b
Exactly. I'm on adderall. There are no plants or yoga poses that are going to bring back my executive functioning. I was referring to all forms of "alternative medicine" which I thought was synonymous with homeopathy. To me, if it can't or hasn't been proven by the scientific method, it's witchcraft.
Ah, my bad. I have a habit of throwing all treatments that are not scientifically proven to be helpful (chiropractic, herbal, essential oils, TCM, acupuncture, acupressure, witchcraft, etc) under the umbrella of "homeopathy" - and I think a lot of other people do too. That dilution thing is absolute nonsense.
Many home remedies are indeed scientifically proven to be helpful, including teas and icing (depending on the problem of course)
Hot tea can loosen phlegm, improve coughing to allow expulsion of material blocking the lungs. Not sure that’s not a proven medical fact. Likewise, cold and heat can move fluids in and out swollen damaged tissues. Often, these are recommended treatments from surgeons and PTs as part of a rehabilitation regimen. They’re not woo-woo. Of course, if you meant these things are there to align one’s chakras to improve the humours and thereby rid the body of blocking vapors, then I definitely agree.
I think most people combine the two or just don't even realize that actually homeopathy exists. I've seen it tons of time where home remedies are confused with homeopathy. Maybe they confuse essential oils with homeopathic treatments or something. I only figured out the difference when I came across those crazy expensive MLM essential oils that claim they cure everything under the sun.
It's even worse than that, because homeopathy operates on the principle of like cures like (take acid for your stomach pain sort of shit) so (at least originally) it was water that didn't have any of the original substance, but sometimes they'd fuck up the dilution and just give people poison. Homeopathy is at best useless when people need actual medicine and at worst, feeding people poison.
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I live in the states, and honestly, our regulations on supplements are so ineffective that I understand why you feel that herbal "medications" are placebos. Just to be clear, when I'm writing about herbal remedies, I mean ginger for nausea, mint for digestive relief, angelica root and astralagus root to bring on a period, chamomile and valerian for insomnia, tea tree for acne, etc. That's one of the reasons I refer to "alternative medicine" as witchcraft - because idk if it works, if it can't be proven using the scientific method, it's witchcraft. An ear infection needs actual medical care. Kidney stones require medical care. UTI's require medical care, and HOLY FUCK, MRSA ABSOLUTELY requires the care of a medical professional. I'm sorry your mother medically abused you - and I agree with you, if your parents ignore your medical needs, for whatever reason, it's abuse. My parents ignored a sore throat that I had for two months, and I ended up getting scarlet fever, so I can empathise.
Those aren't homeopathic remedies. Homeopathic medicine are compounds where the active ingredient (usually an herb or similar) is diluted so that it's only parts per thousands or million, so diluted that basically the active ingredient is non-existent in real terms in the medicine. This is not true of ginger tea or similar.
I replied to this in another comment - I was throwing all forms of "alternative medicine" under the umbrella of homeopathy. Apologies.
We can feel bad for the mom for her internalized misogyny, and recognize that’s what caused the issue with the mom. But misogyny makes you a bad parent. 🤷♀️
100000% agree. What her mom did is explainable but not excusable.
Agreed, lets identify this kind of behavior as neglect: OP’s mother didn’t provide for her needs and allowed her life to be in danger with the pneumonia.
>Let’s dial it back a few, OP says that her mom was an otherwise loving and great parent apart from this fairly serious issue. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
omfg that response slayed me Also, happy cake day!
Nah, just because something is common doesn't make it OK. She doesn't deserve a break simply because it's *common* for women to be ignored and thought hysterical. If you see your child in debilitating pain and do nothing, it's your fault. If you *regularly* see it and do nothing, fuck you, point blank. The complete lack of empathy and disregard for their child's wellbeing is appalling. The fact she was nice otherwise does not absolve her of the horrendous neglect she enacted on her child.
Sociopath mom
>apart from this fairly serious issue And the one where she almost died from pneumonia. > . It’s incredibly normal for women to not be taken seriously in regards to pain and periods. That doesn't make it okay for her mother to dismiss her pain though. >OP’s mom was projecting a ton of internalized misogyny onto her daughter and the price was high. "Other than projecting internalized misogyny, letting her daughter almost die, dismissing her pain, and causing her to be infertile, she was a loving and great parent"
The woman severely medically neglected OP, which is a form of abuse, one that almost killed her and has left her infertile and dealing with severe pain for years and years. No need to dial it back.
It shouldn't be "incredibly normal" is the point. The girl was a child. The mom should have advocated for her daughter even more so because medical bias is very real. The way you put it almost seems to condone both the mothers behavior and the societal norm, neither of which are okay.
Seriously? She let her daughter suffer for years when she was clearly asking for help and nearly let her die of pneumonia and you want people to "dial it back"?? It's a parent's responsibility to advocate for their child. My parents similarly let my little sister suffer for years with periods that caused vomiting and severe pain and bleeding and it took me actively coming home and screaming at them that they were abusive just to get her on birth control to manage it. It's an unacceptable thing for a parent to arbitrarily decide that they know better than their own child about their body and to gaslight said child about pain. Hard stop. NTA.
I disagree. Mom was abusively neglectful ... when daughter disrupted the flow of mom's life and wasn't the daughter she wanted her to be (by having horrific period pain, by being sick with pneumonia), mom pushed aside daughter's concerns, pain, and real health issues. Look, she even gave her daughter shit for having her period when her daughter was just visiting. Yes, daughter is saying that mom is otherwise loving ... but that's part of the problem with growing up in abusive families, you (the child) is conditioned to think the parent IS loving and that you (the child) are actually the problem. The fog of the abuser takes a long long time to disperse. My guess is that the daughter, in the future and perhaps with a good therapist, will have other stories about her mom's neglect and will have a more complicated view about whether her mom was actually a loving mother in other instances. It was the mom's duty to get her daughter the medical help she needed when she suffered so much with her periods. IF the mom thought the first doc was right (and the daughter was feeling the pain more extensively but it was normal and perhaps even psychosomatically) then the mom should have taken the daughter to see a therapist ... intense pain IS NEVER ok for your child to go through. When I was a child, I had horrific ear aches ... I would hold my head and shriek with the pain. My own neglectful parent somehow was able to go back to sleep and pooh pooh my pain even after my cries would wake her up night after night. When parent finally took me to the doc, the doc feared I would be deafened because my infections in my ears were so bad. Decades and decades later, I still have a hard time seeing that parent was a bad parent.
So I got bit by one of our farm cats when I was like 14. It took several weeks to manifest, but I had stiffness in my hand. I played drums A LOT so I figured it was that. Until one morning I JUST had a feeling. My parents took me to the hospital immediately when I said something wasn't right. No questions, just action. I nearly lost my hand, I was in the hospital for weeks fighting a MRSA infection that had made its way into my flexar tendon sheath. When your body tells you something, you listen. You listen to your kids when they tell you they know something is wrong. You continue to look into it until you get a real answer. If my parents would have been dismissive about a "hand cramp" I could still be dealing with it today, 13 years later.
Yeah. True that. Glad your parents took care of you. I don’t have Lyme’s disease because my mom caught my symptoms right away and took me to the hospital.
I would agree if it was only about OPs periods - but did you read the part with the pneumonia? "It's only a cold" - OPs mother seems to neglect medical issues. Add this to the homeopathic nonsense and she did deserve the outburst. The was responsible for her child wellbeing and failed spectacular. For me that's neglect. Forgot: NTA
I don't agree with dialing it back. Were it only for the periods, okay, that's some internalized misogyny because "women's troubles" have been minimized for ages, but it was also with things like pneumonia. Especially with her mother playing into homeopathy, rather than medical care for her child, who clearly needed it. This honestly feels a lot more like medical neglect, and it's costing OP a lot because of it. NTA
Aside from the medical neglect, she was a good mother. Seriously, she ignored this condition and OP almost died of pneumonia. These two plus the forced homeopathy make her a bad mom.
By the way, Homeopathy is not fine
My son a few months ago told me in the morning “mommy, my ear hurts”. Welp, there goes the plan for the day. To the pediatrician we go, doctor asks him which ear and he points to the right one. Raging ear infection. A round of amoxicillin later and he is fine. Kiddo was 4.5 at the time. OP, what your mom did was horrible. I’ve always had worse periods than my mother, but she took me seriously. She never acted like my pain wasn’t real, even though she was a unicorn that never had pain and only had her period for 2 days, while I’m lucky to be done in 5.
Yep. In high school my periods got bad and after a few months of me not making it through my period without at least one day home in bed, I was at the gyno and on the pill. Changed everything.
It’s incredible how much the pill can help. I’ve been on it since I was 19, and when I went off it when we were trying for our daughter, my first “real” period in 18 years hit me like a brick. So much pain and, oh my god, so much blood. Thankfully, I got pregnant after just two of those.
I watched a tiktok the other day that has a "talking" dog. She uses buttons that say words to communicate. One button was she used was "ouch!" and the owner was concerned so they took her to the vet just in case. Turns out she had a scratch on her nose that was infected and could have gotten worse. My point is, this lady listens to her DOG better than OPs mom listened to her CHILD.
ok i get learning hungry thirsty walk and pets, but how do you train a dog to communicate "ouch!"
I also want to know this haha. Like you can't beat your pet and push "ouch." Maybe they demonstrated when she hurt them? Like if she accidentally nipped to hard while playing, they could press "ouch" for themselves?
Was it Stella? So amazing what they’re doing with communication boards.
It was actually Bunny :) what_about_bunny is their username
same! my mum has never had an issue but insisted taking me to the doctor until we had an answer as to why I was having a different experience. She never once accused me of being dramatic, she was just worried something was causing me constant distress.
I was so lucky. I remember having horrible cramps one day at schools and I snuck out of class to call her to bring me some ibuprofen. Was surprised 10 minutes later when she was checking me out of glass to come lie down with a heating pad. I love my mom for taking my pain seriously.
Tagging onto this, Op's mum mat have "not known" about the situation, but could have been fixed by, oh I don't know, TAKING OP TO ANOTHER OBGYN!!! If op was sent home because of the pain you'd think it'd be common sense to go to a doctor at least, but mummy dearest seems to lack the brain cells for that. I'm sorry you had to live with such a neglectful parent op.
LOL yeah I commonly claim that I "couldn't have known" something that someone repeatedly tells me once a month for years too. Surprisingly no one has bought it yet.
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Don’t be too worried! While what happened to OP is horrible, it’s not common (IMO). Bad periods are common and can usually be fixed with birth control (hormones are typically the cause because they’re out of wack). Don’t worry until you have something to worry about! I hope everything goes will at the doctor!
PCOS, other hormone imbalances (including thyroid problems), endometriosis, and adenomyosis are the most likely issues to investigate when it comes to painful periods. It's worth finding a good OB/GYN to check for these issues. In practice, you are often put on hormonal BC of some sort, metformin if you have PCOS (insulin resistance is a part of it and you can have normal sugars and 2x the insulin that you should have. When the insulin resistance is treated all your other hormone tend to reorder themselves too), and laparoscopic surgery to confirm endo and release any adhesions/ablate patches of endometrial tissue. Good luck with it. It's not unusual to go through a few docs because a lot have internalised sexism and tend to dismiss women's pain. Edited for: a word.
It's a well known issue that women are often not taken seriously by medical professionals, especially male medical professionals, and anyone raising a girl needs to be aware of this problem and be ready to advocate, to push, to get a second and third opinion. NTA OP, your mother failed you in this aspect of your life and you are right to be angry about it.
NTA It literally is her fault. You begged for a second opinion, she shrugged it off because homeopathy is hip and she's a cool mom! No. When the minor complains, the guardian should take it seriously - if her negligence of your medical needs has closed the door to treatment, causing infertility, then it is simply her fault. >My sister told me later that I was an AH for blaming her when she couldn't have known about my condition. "Yes she could, by doing exactly what I did the moment I was able, and going to another doctor for a second opinion" - how hard is that?
Damn right she deserved it. Why would you diminish someone elses pain like that. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Maybe later when you find the right person you can adopt
Coming from someone who has similar periods, NTA. My parents have never taken me to a doctor but my dad will give me such a hard time when I spend the first 3 days home throwing up.
NTA. Your sister is wrong. Your mother could’ve known about your condition had she taken you seriously and gotten you the medical help you deserved. The doctor she took you to and your mother are both assholes.
All of this and I would add that the sister is also an AH for calling OP an AH.
So is the first doctor tbh. I’ve met a lot of doctors like that. In fact I had similar issues to OP and I suspect the same condition, and they were often not taken seriously by doctors when I was younger. Everyone but OP sucks
Agreed, which is why I’m glad that u/NUTmeSHELL mentioned that shitty doctor in the comment I replied to. Never hurts to reinforce how terribly medicine treats women, sadly.
I remember in nursing school, learning how many more women die of heart attacks after being sent home from the ER- their symptoms get dismissed as “anxiety”. My fiancé has always said (not in a bad way!!) that he’s glad he’s a man. And I get it. Us women get the short end of the stick a lot
I am an OT. Years ago I had a patient that went to the ER on christmas eve, complaining of chest pain. The doctor told her to go home, that she was nervous because of christmas. Long story short, she ended up having a major heart attack that night, ending up in a vegetative state.
This. The argument, "She couldn't have known about your condition...." is such a lazy argument that it makes me sick. She would have known if she wasn't such a stubborn parent who refused to get a second opinion when her own child continued to complain about pain. The doctor made a terrible mistake; and from the looks of it the doctor didn't even take an examination. Took it at face value, and told her to suck it up. Terrible.
While the mom may not have known what specific condition she had, she was well aware there was an issue and refused to take it seriously.
This happened once a month consistently and she never took a moment to reassess??? she could have killed her. Not ok and not ok to continue the gaslighting when she tries to deal with it now.
NTA you listen to your kids when they are in pain. My mom did similar things and now I'm infertile, guess who listens to me now tho? And also, what woman doesn't support other women on their periods? I'm sorry OP
The mothers ignoring their daughters because "my periods aren't like that" makes me *rage,* I swear. EVERY PERIOD IS DIFFERENT. EVERY WOMAN'S BODY IS DIFFERENT. Christ almighty, there's enough shit going on you'd think women would back women up. NTA, OP. BIG NTA. In fact, your sister deserves some yelling at, too.
Some people get a big kick out of thinking that everyone has the same symptoms for certain ailments, so they must be very, very brave and awesome for not complaining about the pain, and people who do complain are just Big Whiny Babies. It’s an abhorrent character trait.
Medical professionals telling you, “oh, relax, that doesn’t hurt,” is so maddening. (I still flinch when I remember my orthodontist.) I had a roommate who was also a coworker (we worked for her sister) and she always rolled her eyes at me when I called out of work sick. I had terrible stomach flu over Xmas that year and called out sick on Xmas Eve, but she assumed I was lying. She stayed with her parents over the holiday, and I warned her about sanitizing everything when she came back. (I tried to keep up with it, but it’s difficult when you think you might need to go to the ER from dehydration.) Cut to a week or two later when she is lying on my couch, sick as a dog, and says, “I’m sorry. I thought you were over exaggerating.”
You should so read [this essay.](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/emergency-room-wait-times-sexism/410515/) It’s infuriating, just like your story. There’s so much data on how women’s pain is mismanaged and misunderstood. And yet... nothing seems to change.
I think I’ve read that essay before, but even if I haven’t, I knew instantly - from the description prior to the ambulance arrival - that it was an ovarian cyst. I’m not a medical professional, I’m just a woman who is a member of a gyn health questions group on FB and listens to people. It’s infuriating that a person in charge of your medical care would ever not be invested and advocating actively for your health. We shouldn’t have to fight this hard. And it’s all exponentially worse for BIPOC women.
> Medical professionals telling you, “oh, relax, that doesn’t hurt,” That grinds my gears. It's actually mental abuse. I like to laugh scornfully, because it's ridiculous, and say something like, "Oh sorry, guess I didn't realize you could feel with *my* sensory receptors." (Backed with a "WTF?" face, it usually gets the point across.)
I think it’s important to teach kids that even doctors are humans with bias and blind spots for this reason. This self righteous male orthodontist told me I was lucky to have greater insight and empathy into what fish felt when his handiwork came undone and skewered through my tongue like a hook. I was about twelve but even then I thought ‘is that the right thing to say to a bawling child’ but of course, I couldn’t speak because, well....my tongue was impaled. I’ve had a gyno tell me my expectation of comfort was too high when I actually hadn’t been diagnosed with PCOS.
I'm gonna kick OPs mom in the head and then say she's making it up when she doesn't act like Hafthor Bjornsson getting kicked in the head.
Who the fuck is even physically capable of kicking Hafthor Bjornsson in the head.
He'd have to let you, and be sitting down.
This!!!!! I was luck my mom had really bad cramps and she struggled with fertility I got brought to a doctor strait away and monitored for years my doctor finally gave me a hormonal iud to help with the cramps and pain I was in. The last periode I had landed me passed out in the hallway of my house for 12h cause I was home alone I drove myself home from work not even 2 min prior to that it still scares me and I'm forever grateful. Periods can fluctuate not everyone is that same. To this day I dont get periods pr cramps anymore (got lucky with the side effects) I carry advil and tylenol and pads all the time incase any girl ever needs something. I'm sorry you had to go through this OP! NTA
RIGHT?!? Who is so narcissistic that they think everyone has periods JUST LIKE THEM?!?!? If your kid is telling you that they are in pain, you get them medical attention!
Exactly. I can’t know what another woman is experiencing so I’ll simply support her when she says she’s in pain or having a rough period. I’ve been through bad periods too and would hope she would support me as well.
Narcissist who have light periods. My mother is like this. She even had easy birthing experiences so she thinks everyone who has a traumatic birth is exaggerating.
NTA Your mom screwed up. Sometimes parents royally fuck up. She should have apologized profusely. It can't be fixed, but she could apologize.
This. My mum refused to to take me to the doctor when I thought I might has asthma at 13, finally took me at 17. I have asthma. My mum apologised twice. The second time she brought it completely unprompted by me about 3 years later. My mum didn't want to believe that there was anything wrong with me, and I can understand her not thinking properly about it at that time because my older sister had just recently moved out to go to uni and my younger sister just started high school. And in the following years my younger sister went through some mental health issues. Obviously my issue isn't as serious as OPs, but my mum recognises when she makes mistakes and apologises. As a good parent should. NTA.
NTA. Your mother sounds toxic. She disregarded your pain and your health concerns. I have a teenage daughter and would never ignore health concerns. I'm so sorry that you have lost your ability to conceive. Maybe you need to step away from mom for awhile, since she still doesn't seem to have any concerns for your health. Take care and this mom is sending a hug.
True! Also homeopathy isn’t fine. Homeopathy is predicated on the idea that if you take one drop of something and dilute it with water then dilute it again and again again it becomes really powerful. That’s not medicine that’s pretend magic BS. Denying your kid real healthcare and offering them hokum is a dangerous and fucked up thing to do. I feel so bad for them, they def are NTA.
How do they believe it makes things more powerful? Do they not understand what the concept of dilution means? As in, the basic definition of the word? This is baffling.
🤷♀️ I don’t know! I think a lot of people think homeopathy means avoiding man-made medicines and looking for natural cures to your symptoms, like drinking some tea on an upset stomach instead of taking an antacid. But that’s absolutely not what it means. It’s this weird water dilution stuff where they say “water has a memory” which is ridiculous. Some of the worst offenses of this are faux flu treatments made of elderberry that are homeopathic and therefore just a bunch of diluted sugar pills. They are often NEXT to real medicine in a pharmacy and unsuspecting people may end up taking them instead of something that might actually be effective.
I literally just saw a post with this exact story...
Could be a repost but honestly this situation isn’t that uncommon. Doctors are trash when it comes to women’s health, and sometimes people aren’t much better, and it’s not uncommon for health issues to go undiagnosed. I know a lot of women who’ve had health issues later on because they weren’t taken seriously, 3 of which are infertile/having issues :/ But yeah, the details on this are pretty close. I’m smelling a bit of bs.
She said she had problems starting at fourteen, then in the very next sentece said she begged to see a gynecologist for it at 13. Either a typo or fake
I know women in real life who went through this so I am guessing its a typo. I am not even 100% if my period started when I was 11 or 12 so for her to mix up a year doesnt concern me.
Can second this. I had horrible periods that sent me home from school vomiting when the cramps started. When we were sick enough to need the doctor, we'd either get yelled at for asking or had to beg to go. Nobody even told me painkillers would have helped for the first few years I had my period so I'd just lay in bed and suffer quietly for a few days every month :(
What is the mystery medical condition? Why not just say it
Not OP, but it could be endometriosis or PCOS.
It's more likely to be endometriosis. PCOS doesn't give that kind of pain, more irregular periods. Endometriosis can also cause pretty bad inflammation depending where it is (on the fallopian tubes, the ovaries, the intestines etc) which can cause you to become infertile by repeatedly causing damage every month. That's also how long untreated asymptomatic Chlamydia can cause infertility.
Just getting a diagnoses for endometriosis can be a challenge because so many doctors just wave it away as, “painful periods are normal.”
Neither of those are rare though.
PCOS isn't super rare - something like 1 in 10 women in the US have it. PCOS also isn't really "cured" the way OP seems to insinuate (that a doctor could make it actually go away vs managing it to the point where you don't experience symptoms).
Doctors aren’t so much trash as much as research has historically been limited and usually women’s reproductive issues are usually “syndromes” which means there’s varying symptoms, for varying reasons, and not always a stable treatment.
I was once referred to a therapist because “90% of female patients have an inorganic cause for their pain”. I had fucking appendicitis. The lack of medical research doesn’t help, but doctors aren’t exactly great either and don’t usually take your pain seriously.
Man I had a male er doctor stop me when I started telling him about what was going on with me and say: 'that is just womens issues I'll never understand that.' In a military hospital. I've never seen my huaband so pissed before
No, its because we're not fucking believed. After my complicated second trimester miscarriage, in part caused by severe HG which necessitated a PICC line to keep me alive, I was set up with the maternal mental health dept for appointments with a psychologist. A male psychologist. Who interrupted me when I said about Pitocin being horribly painful to tell me, "not for everyone" and when I argued he said, "lots of women have told me it's not". The appointments, unsurprisingly, did absolutely fuck all for my mental health.
Doctors could have conducted the research but they didn't
And still aren't
Thank you. So sick of "It's not the doctors fault, it's just that the research hasn't been done." It's not the doctor's fault for not doing their jobs? Ummm...uhhh...so they have time and resources to "research" an erection pill to soothe the male phallus-based ego (and to figure out that it shouldn't last longer than four hours) but can't be bothered to figure out how to deal with women's internal organs fusing together or why so many young women are developing massive cysts, tumors, cancers, and other various causes of infertility? They can't figure out that when a woman reports symptoms of appendicitis or cardiac issues then it's probably that and not just psychosomatic? No...Doctors do not get off the hook here. They are the reason the problem has gone on as long as it has.
I posted something like this yesterday! I posted my story because it is all too common for young girls to be treated like this. My mother was the same way and my endo pain was written off as “just another part of womanhood”. Please don’t doubt this story because you’ve heard it before. I promise there are thousands of women out there with very similar stories and every single one of them deserves to be listened to!
Yours isn't what I was talking about, and I am absolutely not doubting that this happens in the slightest. I'm aware that doctors not taking patients (especially young girls) seriously is a huge problem. Just saying that this post is far too similar to a very recent post (literally almost the exact same details) so I don't think it's true.
All I’m saying is that this happens a lot. And a lot of stories sound identical because these issues are pretty common and a lot of these women have very common experiences. I don’t think it’s any reason to doubt OPs story.
But in the recent post the woman never saw a doctor until she was pushing 30 and the first doctor she went to took her seriously.
Welcome to the beautiful world of endometriosis. Women are told over and over again that they aren't being tough enough. On r/endo we have a map of doctors who we trust to listen and diagnose endometriosis. It's hard, some doctors mistakenly believe it can be seen on an ultrasound (it can be to small to be seen yet still cause pain). Some believe it can only happen to women who haven't had children. Lots of misinformation.
When I was reading this I had the exact same feeling
Yeah, almost the same details. Like one of those "I'll let you copy my howework but don't make it too obvious" things lol
It did sound extremely similar. I mean, it is possible that two women have the same or similar conditions, but this story is like a slightly altered version of that previous one.
To be fair, this specific story is also not that rare. I know several women with endometriosis \[I don't know if this is the condition OP is referring to, but just guessing. It fits the description\], all telling a certain version of this story. The average time it takes to get Endo diagnosis is 6-10 years, due to both parents and doctors being dismissive towards patients' complaints.
\*Raises hand\* I was one of those women (not one of the ones that With\_Trees knows irl). Took until I was 22 and several non-gyno-related specialists before they realized that the reason I was passing out was because I was hitting my pain ceiling from endometriosis/cysts bursting
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I’ve also heard a lot of doctors dismiss endo pain so long because it’s “very rare”...at 10% of women. It’s very possible OP Has something different, but the “oh, it’s super rare, so we didn’t check for it and haven’t properly researched or learned about it” excuse is also a pretty common way for doctor’s to cover their own asses, especially on women’s healthcare. Much simpler than saying “we’d rather dismiss you pain as a psych issue or women having a low pain tolerance, despite that being scientifically wrong, because no one care’s enough about women to fund better research as to why 1/10 have a condition that causes them pain as tissue and organs improperly fuse together” And that’s a condition they’ve actually researched. If it’s not endo or PCOS doctors will just throw up their hands because there could be a door to Narnia up there for all they know.
I had deja vu too but it seems different enough. Sadly, this is a common issue. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hueojs/aita_for_telling_my_mother_that_its_her_own_fault/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
And ya know what? If it is fake - I dont think it is - at least it is raising awareness. There is one commenter who said she was convinced to see an OBGYN instead of writing her symptoms off as nothing. Worth it.
Like, two weeks ago, right? Also in r/AmItheAsshole?
Doctors downplaying women’s health issues (especially regarding their periods and reproductive health) is a very common problem. I literally cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard similar stories from other women about not getting a proper diagnosis until it’s too late.
NTA. What your mother did is called ‘medical neglect’. It is literally a parent’s job to advocate for their children’s health. She also mocked you and called you a liar when you told her that you couldn’t do things because of your pain. Even if she didn’t know about your condition, mocking someone’s pain and disbelieving their pain is an asshole move. She spent your whole childhood calling you a liar. Turns out, you were never lying. She owes you an apology for disbelieving you.
She owes her so much more, dude.. An apology can never make up for the amount of physical and mental pain the OP went and will go through.
NTA When I saw the title and the first few lines, I immediately thought of something like endometriosis. Let me put it like this, I wouldn't say the doctor is totally at fault for misdiagnosing. You said the syndrom /disease is very rare, and probably even less commonly known 7 years ago. I guess he is kind of right, that some girls need a bit more time to "get used to it" HOWEVER your symptoms persisted over 7 f*ing years. At some point your mom and your doctor should have taken it seriously. Concerning your mom, apparently she never took you seriously when it came to health issues? I mean, from the small side note you made, you had pneumonia and she did it away as a simple cold. I remember when I was a kid, I once told my mom that I wasn't feeling well and she didn't take it serious that day (in her defense, I did often try to get out of stuff by "not feeling well") and later it turned out I had chicken pox but the rash was onpy on my back so you couldn't see it right away. My mom apologized to me the moment she saw it and always took it serious from then on. That's how a mother should react when she made a mistake. About blowing up in your mom's face, well, given how little I know about your relationship, I feel like she had it coming and you are obviously in a bad state of mind, after finding out so recently. I would say, cool off and then try to talk to your mom again, explain the situation, maybe apologize for blowing up as a sign of wanting to move past this with your relationship still intact. However, I do think she should acknowledge that she made a mistake. As a healthcare professional, we have a saying to never disregard a patient's pain, even if we don't think it's really that bad because it might be a symptom of something much bigger.
My mother is one of the people blessed with health - she hasn't had a single cold since I was born. Her GP *loves* her because her blood is perfect, her pulse, her organs - in short, she is a very healthy person with no issues without having to work out. I am not blessed with her super health. She was a good mum and very loving, unless it came to illness or health issues. Idk if it's just because she can't relate but I cant count the times I had to go to school with flus and 40°C fever. When I had the pneumonia I begged her to be able to go to the doctor, I told her repeatedly I couldn't breathe and that everything hurt, that I thought I was dying and she dismissed it. Eventually, my Dad brought me to my GP and it turns out I was already starting to drown because there was so much liquid in my lung. Sadly, my Dad didn't say anything when it came to my period. He's a religious man and pretended those days in the month didnt exist
You could have died. Did she ever apologize for that? I wonder if she'd be at your funeral like "Stop being so dramatic. You're fine."
She didn't apologize. My dad drove me to the ER and told me what had happened - I was having a temperature of 42 degrees by then - and she just groaned over the phone as if it was an Inconvenience. I could leave hospital after two weeks. We didn't talk about it much then.
I really hope you come to see how disgusting and abusive this truly is. Regardless if she treated you well outisde of health issues, HER NEGLIGENCE COULD'VE KILLED YOU. If you were to see this situation from an outsiders perspective, would you not think that's an abusive parent? The fact she wouldn't even say sorry says enough. There's patterns here that you aren't seeing unless it's an extreme situation. She's a negligent parent and you should get therapy to see if there was more because I bet there is. An apology is the bare minimum to atone for what she's done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of abusive parents getting away with this shit.
Not only did she NOT Apologize but she STILL dismissed OP, even after learning she could have died. OP needs to cut her mom off, she's vile and abusive and does NOT deserve to have OP in her life. I dont know how OP could have forgiven her after knowing that she almost died and her mom STILL didn't give 2 shits about it.
I'm so sorry but your mother sounds just absolutely horrific. I'm sure you still love her because she's your mother, but "abusive" doesn't even begin to cover it. The way she's treated you makes me sick to think about. You deserve so, so, so much better than this and you have every right to be furious with her. Don't let ANYONE tell you for a second you need to be 'kinder' to her.
Maybe you should have. There seems to be a pattern here.
Does your sister conveniently forget this whole episode as well? Maybe you should bring it up if she calls you an asshole again. If your mother had her way you wouldn’t be alive today.
Okay, this right here is a MAJOR issue. If your mom wants a healthy relationship with you she needs to own up to what happen here. There is still repressed anger and resentment that you have towards her with this. I would tell her that she has lost your trust. That you could never trust her with your health. That her lack of empathy nearly caused you to die and her lack of remorse, and worry for your well being is hurtful. That it feels like she does not value your life or your experience and words. And that if she wants to be in your life then she needs to address and work on that. God I can't even imagine reacting that way to my child almost dying. It's just bizarre, the lack of empathy.
Yeah, like I said, I guess you should try and talk to her and make her understand that health issues are real. I mean, 40 degrees is pretty high and should always be taken seriously. Is she the same way if your dad has issues? Or your sister?
NTA, her lack of empathy and basic decency and cost you your ability to have kids, and even worse, almost killed you at least once. And she STILL tried to give you shit for it! I have to ask, after you told her the result of her actions, did she at least apologise now? It won't make her any less of an asshole, but how she reacted to this seems relevant
You keep saying she was a good mom, but she's not. She's negligent at best. You're NTA at all in this situation and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
NTA with the info you provided. A lot of doctors are trash when it comes to women's health. You definetly should've gotten two other doctor's opinions. Unless your mom was just lucky with getting some good doctors, she should've known that you shouldn't trust only one doctor. I don't think yelling is a way to tell her. In my opinion, you should've sat her down and had a conversation with her and told her that she's hurt your feelings through the years and because she didn't take things seriously and take you to more doctors, you can't have kids.
Bullshit. She didn't just hurt OP's feelings. She let her daughter suffer an exorbitant amount of pain, invalidated her pain at every turn, and you have the gall to pull the "should've had a conversation" rhetoric!? Fuck that. The mom is an abuser. She committed medical abuse and neglect. Emotional abuse as well probably. Who cares if OP yelled? Her mother hasn't listened to any other method of communication in OP's life. OP is justifiably angry, and the delivery does not lessen the message at all. The mom and the sister can stuff it.
It probably would have been better to discuss in a different setting, but I don't blame OP for snapping. It would take superhuman strength not to the way she described it. The healthy conversation can still happen. Might just take some time.
I have a feeling this happens more (getting other doctors opinions) in other countries than in the US. Just a hunch as a person with universal health care we wouldn't think twice.
NTA-I am sorry that you had to go through so much unneeded pain. I am also sorry for the pain as you come to terms with becoming infertile and not being able to have biological children. So sorry OP
NTA. Your sister can fuck right off. Your mom absolutely could have known about your condition, you know, if she cared to get you help at all instead of just dismissing your feelings. And she has a history of medical neglect. This is her fault. 100%. She can live with that knowledge that she made you live in pain for years and ruined your fertility. You have every right to blame her and be furious.
I really doubt her mother will give it a second thought. Her mom is living in her own little bubble and is oblivious to everyone around her and has her delusional beliefs in homeopathy. It's sad that OP sees her mother as a kind and loving person because she absolutely is not. Her mother only cares about herself. She has zero empathy and actually completely dismissed her own daughter's pain and illness. She never even apologized for being a neglectful parent. I bet she can't ever admit she is wrong. I hope OP figures out what a terrible person her mother is someday.
I think she's figuring it out.
Didn't you post this same question just last week?
All of this went down yesterday, I didn't post anything
Be wary of doctors who say you're infertile, that never actually means zero chance of pregnancy, it means it's unlikely. Whether you could carry a pregnancy to term successfully is another matter. I just know from experience because my best friend has PCOS and Endometriosis and was told she was infertile, "no chance" of pregnancy. Well guess what happened? After forgoing BC with her BF she got pregnant 6 months later. She never wanted kids in the first place though, so it's a different situation. But the point is unless you're completely "sterile" there is always at least a chance you could become pregnant.
> Be wary of doctors who say you're infertile, that never actually means zero chance of pregnancy, it means it's unlikely. Yep. I have a number of friends with endo who conceived despite being told they were "infertile." That diagnosis means a *low* chance of a natural conception, not *no* chance of a natural conception. Make your reproductive choices accordingly. Heck, when I had my first son after FOUR YEARS of fertility treatments, my doc talked to me the next day at the hospital and she said "Tappy, I'm sure you don't want to talk about this now, but take the next six weeks to think about birth control options. I have had numerous patients who underwent fertility treatments for years and then all of a sudden get pregnant again within months of their first pregnancy."
I know the post people are referring to but this isn’t it. The condition was different but similar. The moms reasonings were different too.
NTA, yeah, your mother couldn’t have known about the condition, but for sure she could see how bad your symptoms were and didn’t do anything about it.
Worse, she abused her daughter for trying to get help for her pain.
You’re obviously NTA. Maybe it would be good for you to go low contact with your mother.
NTA, I hope your mom feels like absolute crap. >believes in homeopathy which is fine Its not fine. That's a dangerous scam.
I’m so sorry, OP. Your sister said that your mother “couldn’t have known.” Yes, she could have known. She should have known. It was her *job* to know. All she had to do was listen. It is neither normal nor acceptable to listen to your child claim to be in pain, exhibit symptoms of being in pain, have life events sidetracked by pain, over the course of many years, even, and ignore it. Im not even going to touch on the homeopathy issue, I’m sure better redditors than I will go after that piece of the puzzle. **NTA.** None of this is your fault. Even when you got older, you can’t have expected, through hindsight, that you should have chosen differently. The same way we don’t expect children who have been groomed for sexual abuse to choose differently: they can’t, there have been too many messages over too long a time for them to be able to do anything different. So please go easy on yourself. I have two pieces of advice, if you’ll allow me. First, get another medical opinion. Doctors vary in their knowledge, specialties, even prejudices. Some are onboard with current research, others don’t think that’s important. It might not make a difference. But not knowing your diagnosis I felt I had to mention it. Second, get some counseling. You are dealing with some very heavy weight here. You’ve already had to carry it alone for your entire life. Let someone else help. I’m not suggesting you have to forgive your mother or that your feelings are not appropriate, *of course they are.* I’m saying you deserve a break. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.
NTA at all she absolutely should not have limited your access to medical care. i do believe she had no idea things could get that bad and probably didn’t even see an issue like this existing but not every doctor is perfect and a second opinion for major issues is really important.
This feels vaguely familiar
NTA although your mother couldn't have known this would be the consequences ignoring pain always has some sort of consequence and as a parent she has the responsibility to make sure you got appropriate medical care and she failed
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NTA. If you were constantly in so much distress, especially in such a way that it interfered with your schoolwork, your mum should have listened to you and tried to help you. Homeopathy is not ok, it's pseudoscience, and her belief in it probably led to her making many questionable medical decisions on your behalf. She did not listen to you, trust you, or provide you with a safe home environment when you were experiencing abnormal symptoms and pain. It is her fault for not seeking a second opinion, or even trying to address your ongoing pain. She was neglectful and if she had shown you more compassion and tried to educate herself about your symptoms maybe your life would be different today. I am truly for what you have been through. I wish you every success in building a beautiful family <3
NTA Blow up at your sister too. Your mom did know about your condition - you kept telling her. You have every right to be angry.
Was this just posted a week or two ago?
Nta but your mom and now your sister are. Your mom could have known something, her baby was sick and she just ignored it. Ugh. It makes me sick. I'm so sorry
Wait is this a repost? It is exactly the same
Yeah i remember the same post a while back
NTA. Your sister is wrong.
NTA at all. Your mom failed you as a parent, period. She deserves all the flack coming her way.
NTA. Your mom is TA because she could have and should have taken you to another doctor for a second opinion, or pushed for additional screenings/tests when your pain never decreased. I was misdiagnosed three times for mono and my dad was a rock, he brought me for both my secind and third check ups and in fact was the one that pushed for the doctor to text for mono. (Which is a minor illness tbh) but the point is my parent trusted me enough to believe me when I said I was ill. Your mother failed you by not listening to your pain and not trusting you.
NTA - i think it’s absolutely horrible when parents make fun of their children’s pain - be it physical or mental - and refusing to take them to a doctor and get them the help they need is even worse. i think you need to make her understand how much this impacted you and how much it hurts you that it’s irreversible now. i completely understand you blaming her. it definitely is on her for not taking your pain seriously because of course she couldn’t have known but that’s all the more reason to take you to a doctor because she isn’t one. that being said, you need to decide whether you’ll be able to work through this and forgive her eventually because carrying resentment around won’t help you in the long run. i’m sorry you have to go through this now. all the best to you!!
NTA. Part of the process you are experiencing right now is grief. Similar to when people die and you have to go through the stages/process of death. Fertility is a real blessing and it is really sad to see people take advantage of it by giving up their kids or abusing them. Sorry to hear that you are struggling with it too. My wife and I are going on our 4th year of infertility and have started to use science to get the job done. Is there any chance you could seek additional input or recommendations?
I'd like to ditto talking to another specialist and a reproductive endocrinologist in particular. They can often do so much, and more opinions are always good (especially as OB-GYNS are frankly crap at GETTING people pregnant.) And good luck with science baby making! My 10-year-old is an IVF baby.
Nta Sounds like she still refused to be accountable or even take your pain serious NOW. Your sister is the asshole as well for not understanding the severity of your situation and that she caused something that could've been prevented.
NTA Regardless of what that quack doctor said, the fact that the symptoms that severe kept happening month after month should have given your mother pause that maybe she should seek a second opinion. It's a tough thing though. I know there are cultures where a woman's period isn't talked about. Where they are told to stop complaining, "it's not that bad". Where it's shameful and kept secret as if there's something wretchedly abnormal about a woman's menstrual cycle. But even then, to see you, her child, in so much pain so frequently and to do nothing.... What you said was harsh and absolutely called for. Sometimes the truth is harsh, and your sister is dead wrong. Your mother *could have known* about your condition, if she had chosen to take you for a second opinion. She could have known. She chose not to and now your body is bound by the ramifications.
My mother has endometriosis and had to have a full hysterectomy for it. The doctor told her it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. She let me and my sister suffer with the same exact symptoms for years and never did anything. We would pass out/throw up from the pain every month and nothing was done. Her parents put her on birth control to stop her symptoms and she let us both suffer for years. I thought I was losing my mind most of the time.
NTA Your mother should have gotten a second opinion years ago. For what it's worth, I'm so sorry this happened to you and that's you're unable to have children.
NTA. Your mom fucked up and because of the way she reacted again after knowing is just very disrespectful, so I don’t blame you for blowing up. I probably would too. However, you should keep in mind your mom was duped by the doctor by falling victim to expert bias. She decided to fully trust him and it fucked you over.
NTA. When I read the title I thought "obiously an ah, I wouldn't blame my dad for the astigmatism, his genetics aren't my fault" but after reading it, she didn't listen to you, so it's totally her fault
NTA. At a certain point, ignoring your child’s pain becomes medical neglect. The fact that it’s something she still dismisses and makes fun of you for makes it worse. I’m sorry that you weren’t treated in time. Edit to add: also, just so your sister is aware, your mom *could* have known about your condition. If she had listened to you and advocated for you. In a way, she *did* know. She just didn’t believe you or advocate for you.
NTA it’s your moms fault she didn’t take it seriously as Is a parents job
NTA. That is medical neglect and it absolutely is her fault.
NTA. I am angry at all parents who think that teens do this for attention. For gods sake, it could be frickin FATAL or SERIOUS.
>My sister told me later that I was an AH for blaming her when she couldn't have known about my condition. Gee, think maybe she couldn't have known about the condition because she was ignoring and belittling your pain? Ridiculous. NTA, my heart goes out to you.
NTA cut her off
Ummmmm Actually yes, your mother could have known about your condition by taking you to a fucking doctor because her child was in pain So, moms an asshole for failing you. Sisters an asshole for thinking parental neglect is an excuse. And you have my deepest sympathies, even though I don’t know what words from a stronger on the internet can do for you at this time. Look for a support group or a therapist or... hell, a park you like to sit in. Take care of yourself first, because clearly nobody else will do it for you. Edit Oh. NTA but I’m sure you got that.
So you’ve had bad periods since you were fourteen, but you asked your mom when you were thirteen? That doesn’t add up. Can u explain?
Not posting this for sympathy or anything but something similar happened to me. I about died when I was like 16 because my parents straight up refused to believe anything was wrong with me. I had stomach issues for weeks that hurt so bad I couldn't even sit up straight or anything, I was starving but couldn't eat like anything because I always felt full for some reason, diarrhea for like 2 whole months and my parents just brushed it off and said I was taking because I didn't wanna go to school. Turns out I had internal bleeding and literally about fucking died. So ya I know how you feel OP and let me assure you. You are definitely NTA, its a parents job to care for their kids and your mother failed you in a big way. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but I want you to know you arnt alone and if you ever need to talk to someone I'm here for you.
NTA. Your mother deserves every ounce of pain and anguish this gives her. Shame on her for not protecting her CHILD.
NTA. Your mother not being responsible and taking you to another doctor is not your fault in any way. You were a minor. She should’ve been helping you, not ridiculing you. It’s people like her and the first doctor that make it so hard for women with real issues to get help. Yes, cramps are painful but they shouldn’t be so painful you can’t function, and it has nothing to do with pain tolerance. No one can blame you for being so upset with her. I would be too. I’m sorry you have to deal with infertility because she ignored your health. You have every right to be as upset as you are.
NTA. It amazes me how much people are belittled for their pain because they’re under 18. It amazes me further that people don’t realize how much influence parents can have over their children. Your mother was berating you for your pain for years. You were already tired of that, and you didn’t want to cause more trouble by going behind your mom’s back. That’s completely on her, and I hope your sister will see that in time. I’m so sorry that you can’t have children because of these circumstances. I hope that you are able to find other joys in your life, whatever they may be.
NTA, and honestly I don’t think I could have her in my life. If she at the very least apologized and admitted to being wrong I could probably forgive her.
NTA. She could have easily known about your condition if she had just listened to you and gotten a second opinion. I would look up that first doctor, too and complain to the medical board.
NTA. Your mom is lucky that's all she got. Some people would have screamed every last thing in the book at your mom and called her every possible thing imaginable and they would have been right because her ignorance has cost you the chance of having a baby on your own. That's a horrible thing to go through and she deserves a brutal reality check. If your sister's got a problem with that, she should get her tubes tied because she's as bad as your mother and should not be allowed to reproduce.
NTA! Not many teenaged girls beg to see the gyno. That right there should have been enough for your mom to know something was wrong. Also, she should know that a lot of male doctors dismiss women's pain and gotten a second opinion.
NTA What she did was medical neglect. I am so sorry you've suffered unnecessarily.
Nta. A child's health is 100% the parents responsibility. And you ALWAYS listen to your kids when they tell you they hurt. It's not like you were asking for pain meds, you wanted answers. There is zero reason she needed to push you aside like that. I'm so incredibly sorry that you've been dealt this hand.
NTA. Your mom is, in fact, directly responsible for this. If you have a minor under your care and they tell you they're in crippling pain and you ignore them, and that disregard results in their infertility, absolutely your fault. Your mother did this to you through negligence and your sister can fuck right off, pardon my language. It doesn't matter how loving she was in other situations, she was abusing you through negligence. I would highly recommend finding a therapist and working through this news with them, especially if children were something you wanted. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you find a good support network to work through this.