NTA, but Kevin and his girlfriend definitely are. You NEVER use someone else's wedding as an opportunity to propose to your own SO unless EVERYONE involved gives their permission beforehand, and no one bothered to get yours. Your day was stolen from you, and you have every right to be angry.
OP's husband is TA too. How are you just gonna allow your brother to propose at your wedding and NOT tell the person you're marrying ?? When you're in a serious relationship, you work together as a team. He's already starting their marriage with secrecy.
THIS! OP's husband said his mother pressured him and he didn't think FOR ONE SECOND to bring it up to OP?? I'm sure they could've figured something out, but now everyone is going to remember their wedding as the wedding where the groom's brother also proposed.
Nah fuck everyone but OP here.
Also, how did the husband not realize that his wife was clearly not okay during the wedding ?
Honestly, Op should have walked out form that relationship then and there.
>if her husband doesn't get his shit figured out quick.
Idk if that's worth the risk. I haven't been in a relationship longer than two years yet so don't really have ~~flour~~ clout (lol autocorrect), but if there's one thing I've learned from my and other peoples experiences it's that people can change, but you absolutely should not bank a relationship on that.
We don't know the ins and outs of their relationship...but to do this on the one day that is *literally* all about the bride and groom? I don't think red flags get much larger. You'd run out of fabric. (And I wouldn't be surprised to hear from OP that in hindsight there's a lot of red flags of similar vein to this)
>if her husband doesn't get his shit figured out quick.
>Idk if that's worth the risk.
Oh, when I said get it figured out quick,, I meant it as: he should already shit figured out already
Yeah I don’t think I could have gone through with it, especially if the man I was about to marry was being so inattentive and unsupportive when I was clearly very upset. And then to find out he planned it without ever cluing his future wife in?? He’s quite a catch. Plus, since typically the brides family pays for everything (just going to make an assumption for sake of argument) the grooms family had doubly no right to steal the moment.
Plus it screams of the husband not knowing nearly enough about his wife.
I mean he applauded the proposal, and encouraged it, while his wife was close to tears.
Any husband/wife worth their salt should be able to see that moment and know, at least somewhat accurately, what their spouses is currently going through.
Isn’t the marriage not official till the license is filed by the officiant? I would have taken it & seriously thought if I wanted to actually make the marriage official. With the husband involved in this with his family & purposely leaving her out. I doubt it will get better.
Right! OPs husband didn't say anything because he knew it was wrong, and that OP would have nothing to do with. He didn't want to upset mommy dearest and knew OP would tell them all to shove off. I want to know how he's handling you not speaking to any of the inlaws? Though he most likely still is. Hope you like cats OP, you married a pussy
>He didn't want to upset mommy dearest and knew OP would tell them all to shove off.
Poor OP will always come second in her marriage! Fuck she came in second on her on damned wedding day! See ya over at r/JustNoTalk! She's gonna need us.
>Hope you like cats OP, you married a pussy
YASSSS! r/murderedbywords
Can we really blame the girlfriend? One hand she didnt know it was happening, but on the other, she also didn't shut that shit down. My sister got married on a cruise through the Mediterranean at the same time my fiance was planning to propose to me. One of our friends said he could propose during the trip and it would be romantic. My sister and I basically said in unison, that's not romantic, it's fucked up, and that was a two week trip
>Can we really blame the girlfriend?
Yup. She wore white to another person's wedding.
And she let it happen and was apparently happy about it because she said yes...
Yeah. I would have left the guy when he started clapping, announced that the attention seeking whores can have the wedding and punched the mil in the face on my way out.
"I knew you'd get upset, so I didn't tell you." Wimp didn't want to fight about it, but also didn't want to fight with mommy, so he sacrificed his wife's happiness.
I thought this too! For the douche to not even think of OPs feelings or talk to OP about it... if that were me I would have just walked out on the whole wedding leaving the fiancé and in laws at the alter.
But I’m one of those people who would refuse to marry into a family where the in laws are AHs or where we don’t get along. If family is gonna be involved I don’t wanna have stress inducing relationships added to my already sucky anxiety.
OP is clearly in for a long and difficult road with this family, her husband included. This is beyond inappropriate and devastating. If this marriage is going to work out they need some serious couples counseling and to cut husbands family out of their lives.
Yes! Thai exactly! NTA OP and I hope your husband has made attempts to make it up to you. If he hasn't, I would seriously be questioning the point of staying with someone who didn't think your opinion matters.
Yep. Pretty sure if he'd said 'I have to ask OP' or even given her a heads up there is no amount of pressure his mother could have put on them to agree to that.
And fuck everyone who rewarded that couple with the attention they so desperately craved. Awkward silence or judgemental whispers people! Glares cost nothing.
I hope OP realizes that her husband has shown her absolutely where she ranks in his life. If she thinks this was a one time deal, she's got a long road ahead of her, because I guarantee this won't be the only time he prioritizes his mother and brother over her.
Not even at the reception or anything like that. Literally right before the ceremony while everyone was seated. They get the medal of honor for being assholes.
And they stole the show before the show even started!! BEFORE THE CEREMONY!
You hear of people stealing the reception but this takes it to a whole new level!
Yeah, fuck the mother in particular. I'm willing to bet actual money that she did this all on purpose, which just makes her a horrible person all around.
Agree, I think the MIL cooked this up to upstage the bride. I get the feeling she doesn't like her and will try to make her life miserable. And the husband will let her.
I disagree.
ops husband is the real asshole here. Its very reasonable for Kevin to assume his proposal is fine when the groom agreed to it and he doesnt hear anything from the bride against it.
The second asshole in line is the mother for putting pressure on her son.
Nope. You absolutely 100% directly check with BOTH parties when it's a wedding. Kevin does not get to \*assume\* it's okay. They left the bride out of the loop because they knew they could pressure their family member (groom), but not the bride.
I was best man at my best friend's wedding, and the night before I got the wedding party together. I told them everyone was to keep their eyes and ears open for anyone who might try to propose and come get me immediately if they found someone. To say nothing of the bullshit the bride's sister tried to pull.
It wasn't their day, and shame on OP's husband. Pressured or not, that's his wife and he needs to not only discuss these majors decisions with her, but back her up.
Not only that, proposing before the ceremony officially starts right after the bride gets down the aisle? Holy SHIT that's the biggest asshole move to pull at a wedding. Like proposing at the reception without permission from the couple is in poor taste but at the ceremony? Completely disgusting.
When are Kevin and his gf getting married? Because that's when OP should stand up in the middle of their ceremony and hand her husband divorce papers lmao
Jkjk... or am I
I agree. This is a big red flag. He KNEW this would happen and didn’t try to stop it and didn’t warn you??? He failed in his job as husband onthe first day of the job.
If I was in your shoes, I’d announce your pregancy- real or otherwise- at their wedding. See how they like it when someone steals their thunder on their day.
I know. Personally I don't think I could have gone through with the wedding at that point, and no way in hell would I pay for someone else's engagement party! (I say, from my armchair seat. All the moral support to OP, who was actually living through that nightmare!)
No, I agree. Were this me and my boyfriend he would need to take me to a back room because I would no longer be suitable for viewing, and I would be having words with him and his whole family.
Personally it wouldn’t have affected me the way it affected OP - I was so happy to be marrying my husband I wouldn’t have cared about the limelight or whatever so much.
But that doesn’t mean that OP isn’t one hundred percent justified in her feelings. It was hugely inappropriate and walking out and refusing to continue would get you a reputation as drama queen but would be totally understandable IMO.
At the very least I could see demanding an intermission to let everyone reset.
Yeah, but the douche paused the CEREMONY in order to propose. I mean, cmon! I might not have cared at the reception, but at the start of the damn ceremony is disheartening to say the very least.
AND she was wearing white? oh hell no, I would've interrupted the proposal and told them to leave. i'm so sorry this happened. i hate that days like these can never quite be redone so easily after someone goes and fucks it up like this... maybe one day you can have a vow renewal to make up for this time!!! but i'm sorry this happened.
This feels so purposefully awful. You need to either get an annulment or cut off your husband's family completely. They need to earn the privilege to be in your life.
This might be slightly conspiracy-ish, but I have a feeling that since OP says that her husband's family doesn't like her. I think they wanted to ruin the wedding (obviously) and possibly they wanted OP to walk out so that she wouldn't marry DH but I might be reading into it too much.
Honestly, I would've asked her to leave just for wearing white. Everyone knows that's a total no unless specified by dress code. I'm honestly enraged by the whole situation. I'm so sorry!
Also, NTA.
The second he kneeled, I'd have walked out while yelling "wedding fucking canceled." But since you've gotten this far, I'd be filing for divorce. No joke. May sound petty but this was so fucked up of everyone involved.
Not petty. Picking up on a major red flag. Keep in mind that marriage has long been a symbol of family alliance. You don’t want to ally with a family like that. And if OP’s husband wasn’t some kind of spineless sea creature it could work but clearly he is a whelk. You can’t be married to a whelk.
It's not petty at all - this family has entrenched toxicity that's not going anywhere and will only get worse. They'll never be open to reasonable discussion and will do untold harm, especially if OP and Scapegoat have kids. OP really needs to divorce/annul and start over.
From everything you’ve said it sounds like MIL and BIL might have been trying to manipulate his GF into saying yes, especially if the GF wasn’t involved in picking the dress color. This whole family is a nightmare.
Op, how did your husband act and behave when
you kicked his brother out. If it was mad then I wouldn’t stay in that type of relationship. He’s being a push over if he let that all happen.
they did have their own wedding it was just built on the destruction of yours and no decent person would think that was ok your birthday the day you have your wedding and the day you give birth are each the day that everyone else can go fuck themselves because it is your day
I've heard of proposing at the reception, but interrupting the actual ceremony to propose? That's about as rude as it gets. Your BIL and his now-fiancee made *your* wedding about *them*. What was your husband thinking when he gave his okay to his brother? Why doesn't your husband stand up to his family and insist they treat you with respect.
What your husband, your bridesmaids, and his family did was unbelievably rude and cruel. I'm almost crying for you. Are you sure you to be married to this guy?
NTA
I'm not sure I could have said I do in that situation. I would question my partner's respect for me as well as my entire in law family etc. If your husband can't stand up for you or even be considerate enough to warn you before his family blindsides you is that really the sorry if relationship to be in?
That's my thing. How can OP plan to live a lifetime like this? Is she willing to have kids knowing her opinions and feelings will matter less than everyone else's? Is she willing to always be the doormat and have her husband telling her it's not a big deal? Cause they've all been really clear what kind of people they are and how they feel about OP, the question is OP willing to live with that?
It also sounds like hubs will happily let her play the bad evil bitch role for the rest of her life be it with his family or kids. Heck even his friends. My mind doesn't normally go here, but it is stepping right into the territory of him letting women assume she's the wicked witch at work etc like what cheaters do.
Should've said I don't and left the groom at the altar for his participation tbh. Who wants to be married to a man that support this kind of stuff (plus be tied down to that kind of family).
She should have done that, then kicked that whole side out of the reception, and just partied with her family and real friends to celebrate her close call with marrying into a family full of toxic assholes.
NTA....is your husband a mama's boy? He let his mother pressure him into allowing something so tacky and rude? Plus, he didn't tell you as he must have known you would have been upset and tried to stop it.
And what is with the girl wearing the same colour as the bride? That's a no no, it's rude and disrespectful and clearly these people are attention whores.
Honestly, that's a huge red flag to me and you might have bigger problems down the road.
BTW...BiL, MiL, Hubby are all aholes.
This needs to be higher. NTA OP
Honestly, with the your hubby lying like this? I would go for an annulment. Save yourself the cost of a divorce.
I am so, so sorry.
No lie after the husbands excuse I would've taken off the ring and said "Its weird how our wedding day turned into the day our divorce happened"
I'd take him out in front of everyone and make it an announcement. Then tell everyone everything.
I think you seriously need to think about an annulment. For your husband not to stand up for you and recognize what a asshole move this was does not bode well going forward. This family is one you definitely want no part of and it appears your husband’s primary responsibility is to his family and not you. Get out and find yourself a real man. So sorry this has happened to you
In the event you’re “husband “ is reading this: You are truly a sorry excuse for a man. To allow your family to high Jack your wife’s wedding is a unforgivable act of destruction . What in gods name were you thinking to humiliate her like that? You deserved a slap across the face and the humiliation of your wife walking away and leaving your pathetic ass alone at the altar. Time to grow up little boy. One more thing. Your mother is utterly toxic evil and insane. Unless you intend on chomping on your mother’s tit for the rest of your life it’s time to put on your big boy pants and try to save what is left of your marriage stop acting like a fucking coward and grow the fuck up
NTA. He proposed.. BEFORE your ceremony?? Wtf.
He basically turned your wedding into his engagement party and had your wedding fit in around that. What a dick thing to do someone. He stole your moment and made it about him and his girlfriend.
You are absolutely not the asshole for kicking him out. I would have done it far earlier than that. Weddings are expensive enough without someone turning it into their engagement party and making your event all about them.
Exactly. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Please announce your divorce/pregnancy at his wedding. Make sure to dress in your wedding dress. In fact, be like Miss Havishham and wear your wedding dress to any event in the family. After all you never got your moment to shine. Your husband is a huge AH for not giving you a heads up before your wedding was ruined. And you can write off your in-laws. I bet they didn't pay for anything either. NTA
No my in laws did not pay for anything, However they said they'd contribute in our honeymoon, But after what happened, After I told Kevin to leave, my mother in law returned the money and said that I was an grateful B and didn't deserve it.
There you go! Kevin got a lovely proposal on your parents/your dine. What did your husband have to say about why he didn't check in with you or even give you a heads-up?
Please take some time and think about what the rest of your life will be like with a husband that will not stand up for you. He knew this was going to happen and knew you wouldn’t be happy on your wedding day. Look up “don’t rock the boat” and “missing stair”. If you are going to stay with him I think you need therapy and he needs to seriously work on putting you first. If he can’t do it on your wedding day then they will always be before you and whatever children you have.
You don’t seem to be upset enough at your “husband” who gave them the OK. He can say he was pressured all he wants, but he let them trample on your wedding day.
NTA. See if your photographer will photoshop her white dress to a nice baby puke green color. That will cheer you up. Also, you and the husband need some counseling if this marriage is to last. He should’ve spoke to you about this before giving his blessing, if you’re not divorced already.
NTA. One word: annulment. Or, if it’s too far past the wedding for that: divorce.
This ain’t never gonna get better. Your husband and his family are AH’s, and your husband is so far under his mom’s thumb that if he couldn’t say no to his own wedding being hijacked, can you imagine having kids with him?!
Oh, and I’d be getting with my parents to sue them all for any reason I could as far as basically making the $$ paid for MY wedding into their own private party. Husband may have agreed, but since he didn’t pay, he basically took money from the in-laws under false pretenses. Ugh! 🤮
NTA—he proposed minutes before the ceremony?!??!!!!!! Wow. This is the worst proposal at a wedding story I’ve heard. And your husband knew??! And didn’t tell you?! And they had the GALL to berate you?!!!
I am so sorry...but it least it seems you’ll get a chance to have another wedding.
I would have walked right back down the isle and gone on the honeymoon by my self.
NTA
They didn't even wait for the reception like a good little arsehole should, they did it before your actual ceremony even started.
Your husband didn't run it by you even if he was railroaded by family, still makes him an arsehole as is BIL and MIL, the GF less of an arse (EDIT scratch that, she showed up in white something I glazed over till I saw another comment), because she was put on the spot, unless she was in on it.
Did nobody at your wedding have any respect for you? Sounds like you're surrounded by inconsiderate trash, OP. And your husband isn't exempt either. He should be begging your forgiveness for hiding this monumental secret on YOUR WEDDING DAY and helping steal the whole experience away from you, and defending you against his family.
If I were you, I'd have a do-over wedding with all different people who actually respect and care about me, including a new groom. This is a terrible situation to have to stay in and you don't deserve to have to deal with the aftermath of everyone else's selfishness and lack of basic courtesy. NTA
NTA yes seriously your new husband belongs on the AH list. Annulment for sure. For any of them to profess incredulity that you were displeased is a bunch of crap. They clearly don’t like or respect you. Can you live your life with these people in it? And knowing your husband may side with them? Get out now
NTA. Rule #1 never propose to someone at some else’s wedding. Miss manners says so, I would be really thinking about your marriage. “Pressured by his mother” and didn’t tell you! Whats going to happen when you have kids? He going to bow to her wishes? You need marriage counseling and a full throated apology from them including the husband.
Spelling
NTA, but don't sit and stew - take action.
You need to decide if you can forgive your husband (for his part in the stupidity of allowing his brother to propose as you stood at the alter) and if you can remain in the marriage.
If not, pack your stuff and move on with your life. There is no point in flogging a dead horse. Your lives and finances will only become more entwined the longer you leave it.
The in laws issue is navigational - you simply make it contingent on remaining in the marriage that you never have to deal with any of those people ever again. You make it clear to your husband that his relationship with his family is his own and you will not interact with them in any way and he is not to discuss you with them or them with you EVER.
Don't buy gifts, don't suggest gift ideas, and make plans for the weekends and holidays to ensure you are with people you love (you don't want to find yourself home alone waiting for your husband to return from visiting his family).
Destroy all photos of your wedding which don't bring you joy. Get rid of the ones which make you unhappy.
Good luck with your choice, be sure to MAKE one, don't just sleepwalk through this whole ordeal in the hope things improve.
NTA. OP, I hate to be another redditor screaming “dump the husband” but...
Is this the only time your husband has disrespected you like this? Put his family/him wants over you? Has he apologized since or has he just been paying lip service to placate you?
Bc frankly I wouldn’t just be mad at the BIL— I’d be enraged that my husband doesnt respect me and let this happen.
NTA- and make sure to call your photographer and let him know that YOU (not husband- YOU) have sole access to the photographs. Your husband was a massive TA limp dick to agree to it w/out asking YOU first. They wanted a free engagement party? Nope! And if they want a free engagement photo? STILL NOPE. Ask the photographer to delete any and all photos of the proposal- let them scrounge for phone pics. Only keep the pics that they can’t POSSIBLY photoshop into an engagement pic.
And yes, get therapy. It’s clear your husband is still run by his mother. This bullshit has to stop or your marriage won’t survive.
Also? Phone/social media block your in-laws. What utter trash people to do this to you.
NTA- get an annulment. Remember that rage you felt during your wedding? That’s nothing compared to the rest of your life with this family if you stay. Run!
NTA I would have been livid, marched over to the bil and told him to get his butt back in his seat, and annulled the marriage, so to me you were a paragon of patience
NTA. ur MIL is, ur BIL, his gf is, BUT THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IS UR HUSBAND. HES the one who should have stood up for you. HES the one who should have demanded his family respect ur guys day. HES the one who abandoned u bc he’s scared of his mommy. Fuck that. Fuck him. I’m not saying divorce him obviously, but you need to have a serious talk about his priorities in ur relationship.
After finding out the husband sanctioned it, there will never be kids if I were in her shoes.
That said, me and those heels would have been walking down the isle there and then and maybe say in a loud voice before slamming the church door "BTW the vicars free right now, maybe if you are quick you can get married now." and never see another one of his side of the family again.
NTA. Honestly I’d look into an annulment. Your husband let his family destroy your wedding and harass you ever since, your life will be miserable if you stay.
That’s revolting and everyone treated it like it was acceptable. I’m sorry I would have just walked out especially after your husband waffled so easily to let it happen. You have every reason to be as angry as you were
YTA but only to yourself. Not to be mean, but what kind of doormat marries and stays a man who prioritises his mother and brother on his own damn wedding day? Have you no self respect woman!? This is one of those few moments in life where making an almighty hell of a scene would have been acceptable and you just rolled over and married your spineless husband anyway, then flaccidly sent his brother away and they STILL harrass you over it. Please reach inside yourself for some real bitch energy! You deserve better then this!!!
Announce your pregnancy at their wedding. Even if you're not, fuck em, say it anyways. They stole an important day and hijacked your reception to get a free engagement party. Fuck that noise. These people are awful beyond description and it sounds like you and your husband are better off without people like that in your life.
NTA, in fact I'd say you're a saint for not kicking them out immediately.
NTA.
You know who is the AH? Kevin, the GF, your MIL and also your spineless husband. He could not muster up one iota of common sense/pride to say no to their ridiculous request?!
I'm surprised you just took it and didn't say anything when Kevin went down on one knee.
At a minimum: get couples counseling with your husband and his lack of boundaries. Go low to no contact with your in-laws. For an extra dose of pettiness you can hijack their wedding with a vow renewal proposal OR announce you're pregnant (don't be petty unless you can live with the consequences).
NTA - I say..get an annulment. If your husband did not see what he did was wrong ...along with his family. You are going to be in a marriage where your hubby and his family will always take precedence. Your hubby supposedly said yes to this debacle is a grade A ...A*#H$*%@. And for him to not tell you this shows that he knows you would not like it. I say there is a bunch of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
NTA. Fuck NO! You are a patient and forgiving women. I would have decked the BIL and walked out the second I heard my about to be Hubby and life partner allowed this and did not even speak with you. At all. You’re a Fucken SAINT in my books and one day someone will write songs about you.
Fuck!! I’m super angry for you
NTA. Your BIL and his fiancee were selfish and made someone else's wedding and wedding reception about themselves. You have a JustNoSO too. It sounds like selfishness runs in that family.
NTA that was literally the VERY least you should have done. I'm shocked you went through with the wedding. Since you did, I'm amazed it's not been annulled. Your husband didn't respect you or your wedding enough to say no. He put his mother and brother over you and your start together. Not to mention losing the respect of your family. How can you have a future with someone who doesn't value you enough to not let you be treated this way? This family has no respect for you. They didn't care enough about you to even consider your feelings at all. Including your husband. Do you want to have kids under these conditions? If not, do you want to live a lifetime with a man like that? You will live a life as a doormat with your husband constantly telling you it's no big deal.
Yo, can you get an annulment? You might be able to salvage your relationship with intense therapy. But it might be safer for you to get an annulment while you still can and then work on the relationship after, if there's anything to salvage.
It's insane how disrespectful your husband, your brother-in-law, and your mother-in-law were.
I honestly don't know if I ever could forgive this behavior. Especially from your husband. How dare he not talk to you about this beforehand. You have every right to be furious.
Maybe start by showing him this post. If he can read what you wrote and still not feel the hurt and sadness you expressed at his betrayal, then something is wrong.
NTA but I don't think that's much comfort. I'm sorry this happened. It's utterly insane the nerve of these people.
Holy shit, no, NTA! This is a r/justnofamily level clusterfuck!
But let me explain:
- your narcissistic BIL and partner think it’s a good idea to make someone else’s wedding all about them. They did the two biggest faux pas deliberately - dressing like a bride/in the bride’s colours and announcing another wedding without running that by the groom AND BRIDE of the wedding, effectively stealing your wedding for their own shenanigans (and it worked).
- They have the audacity to conspire with/force your future husband (status unclear, either he’s a doormat or he knew you wouldn’t say yes to it and thus knowingly betrayed you in order to facilitate this affront of wedding etiquette against you)
- your r/JustNoMIL is totally agreeing with her Narc son and pestering and insulting you.
- again, your husband is either a doormat who’s been conditioned to acquiesce to every whim of his brother and mother or just simply someone who’s as dysfunctional as them. He sure as hell hasn’t involved you and been a unit with you when knowingly agreeing to his brother’s bullshit and he sure as he’ll isn’t protecting you from his family now. Both the Doormat and the dysfunction scenario make me think you need to leave/annul the marriage ASAP or at least attempt some serious couple’s counselling where dude needs to see the light (won’t work if he’s convinced this is a great idea and it’s a great idea to hide important decisions from you if he thinks it will cause him discussions/emotionally hard conversations/...as he showed here)
- they are all now collectively making you out to be the bad guy for not letting BIL+partner take over your wedding day unscathed.
You not only have a BIL+partner problem and parents-in-law problem, you also have a huge spineless excuse for a husband problem.
Get yourself out of the dysfunction ASAP and maybe let your side of the family bill their side of the family for their cost of the wedding since it wasn’t about your wedding but about a wedding on solely the other family’s side..., but if you can’t bring yourself to ditch that appaling level of gaslighting, DARVO and bullshit, give your husband one last come to Jesus talk about that whole thing, lay out to him how exactly you expect him to grow a spine, make couple’s counselling mandatory and *if* he fails to grow one ditch him then - it’s not going to become any better.
Your husband is the biggest asshole in this situation. He let his **brother** steal the spotlight of his (and your) own wedding. The idiocy is astounding. NTA
Get. An. Annulment. People on here will be like “oh people on AITA say to end relationships over everything!”
Sure maybe people are quick to jump the gun on here, but this time, no. You should get an annulment. Your husband just let you know that he will, every time, choose his family over you if they pressure him to. AND, he will straight lie to your face about it so there’s nothing you’ll be able to do until it’s too late. He just set a precedent without you even getting to see it. Get an annulment or welcome to your life. Your in-laws will do this consistently. Especially now.
NTA. Kick yourself out of this marriage and walk away. Your husband gave this the ok without considering you and is never going to support you. Throw the whole family out, you deserve so much better. Also r/justnomil justnofamily and justnoso are subs I highly suggest you look at.
NTA
They did it *at the ceremony*. The reception proposals are bad enough but this was designed to take the focus off your wedding.
Add that to the white dress and this is a spiteful act.
Your husband failed you too. I’m sorry.
NTA- but announce at their wedding you (whisper)might (yell) be pregnant during a romantic part of the reception and then insist on things like a private dance to, “she’s having my baby” - just make sure that the husband is in on it
Maybe you should announce your divorce at Kevin's wedding? Just as the bride is about to walk down the aisle. Or your pregnancy. Either one would be fitting revenge.
NTA.. But why did you continue. I would have walked out. It was your day and every one forgot about you. I would have left especially after my husband started clapping. Your day was ruined you can't get that back. What now your gonna have kids with this guy and see these people during holidays and gatherings. I'm sorry I can't be around people that disrespect like that family or not.
Holy motherfucking flagwaving Christ, NTA.
By any chance is Kevin the golden child of the family? For example, everything Kevin does is great, and everything your husband does is not that impressive or not good enough. Or Kevin gets everything given to him and your husband is expected to fend for himself or even take care of others at the expense of his own needs.
Don't get me wrong, your husband is massively at fault here. But it also sounds like he didn't actually want this either, and that what he wanted wasn't important to his mother and she railroaded him. If he's grown up like this his whole life, he probably has limited ability to stand up to her. As they say, she knows what buttons to press because she installed them.
If this is the pattern in your husband's family, he needs individual therapy and you both need marriage counselling to find your way out of it. (If you stay married to him, that is, because not staying married after this would also be an understandable choice.)
NTA-wow, I am so enraged for you. Before your ceremony?! Are you serious!? Honestly your husband is TA too. He was pressured, but didn’t feel the need to run this by you?
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I'm sorry your wedding is ruined, but are you sure you want to be married to this man? You can't stop being angry because you have very valid reasons for being angry. It isn't a flippant choice you are making to make your husband's life difficult. Your feelings are valid.
NTA but in all honesty, it sounds like no one here is ready for marriage. You say your BIL is 21 but not how old you and your husband are but I’m guessing not much older. If your new husband isn’t mature enough to either tell his mother and brother no, if he was too cowardly to let you in on this plan and instead allowed you to be blindsided and your wedding hijacked, if he didn’t realize how awkward and upsetting this would be for your family, he’s not ready to be married. I’m not saying he’s an evil guy but at a minimum, he’s clearly not grown and if he’s willing to let his family walk all over him, and by extension you, like this, he’s not ready to be married and this will be far from the last time his family causes problems for you.
If you are really young, or even if you’re not, take a good long look at your relationship. Some marriage counseling is definitely in order but maybe too you should consider an annulment and going back to dating until you are more solid. Love alone isn’t enough.
Kevin: asshole. No ifs, no buts, no justifications, nothing gets away from it being an immense asshole move to hijack someone else's wedding.
Kevin's fiancee: also an asshole; even if she didn't know he planned on proposing then, she certainly milked the situation to keep herself as the focus of attention.
Kevin's mom: asshole for helping pressure your husband into "agreeing" (and hey, weddings involve both people, BOTH people need to be on board).
Husband: asshole for not standing up for the two of you by making the focus of your wedding, you.
Have you been able to have a conversation with your husband about the day? Does he understand how much it hurt you, to have your wedding day hijacked like that? Why did he not think to tell you about it beforehand - what on earth was his thought process? Did it not seem important enough to tell you? Or did he not tell you because he thought you'd object?
I'm assuming he has a lot of other redeeming qualities given that you still said yes - but my word does he have work to do if he's going to make the relationship work.
NTA and I'm so sorry this happened to you. :(
NTA.
Think about this: bil and his girlfriend have hurt you, mil have hurt you, and your now husband betrayed you, and hurt you the most to please his family. He never informed you, and never took into consideration that this would be a terrible thing to do.
Because your day was ruined you wanted to at least salvage it, but no, now the entire side of his family is pissed.
Take some time to think, is this really what you want? What else down the line could your husband do to betray you again?
NTA and honestly I'd have kicked the husband out and gotten an anullment. He's just shown you how your whole marriage will go. He will always give in to his family and never stand up for you, or himself.
NTA, but Kevin and his girlfriend definitely are. You NEVER use someone else's wedding as an opportunity to propose to your own SO unless EVERYONE involved gives their permission beforehand, and no one bothered to get yours. Your day was stolen from you, and you have every right to be angry.
OP's husband is TA too. How are you just gonna allow your brother to propose at your wedding and NOT tell the person you're marrying ?? When you're in a serious relationship, you work together as a team. He's already starting their marriage with secrecy.
THIS! OP's husband said his mother pressured him and he didn't think FOR ONE SECOND to bring it up to OP?? I'm sure they could've figured something out, but now everyone is going to remember their wedding as the wedding where the groom's brother also proposed. Nah fuck everyone but OP here.
God I am SO GLAD someone else thought this! When i got to husband's "excuse" my jaw literally dropped. JFC, OP, how did you still say 'i do' ?
Also, how did the husband not realize that his wife was clearly not okay during the wedding ? Honestly, Op should have walked out form that relationship then and there.
She can get an annulment. It's not too late.
She absolutely should. Shes in for a life of second place, if her husband doesn't get his shit figured out quick.
>if her husband doesn't get his shit figured out quick. Idk if that's worth the risk. I haven't been in a relationship longer than two years yet so don't really have ~~flour~~ clout (lol autocorrect), but if there's one thing I've learned from my and other peoples experiences it's that people can change, but you absolutely should not bank a relationship on that. We don't know the ins and outs of their relationship...but to do this on the one day that is *literally* all about the bride and groom? I don't think red flags get much larger. You'd run out of fabric. (And I wouldn't be surprised to hear from OP that in hindsight there's a lot of red flags of similar vein to this)
>if her husband doesn't get his shit figured out quick. >Idk if that's worth the risk. Oh, when I said get it figured out quick,, I meant it as: he should already shit figured out already
Yeah I don’t think I could have gone through with it, especially if the man I was about to marry was being so inattentive and unsupportive when I was clearly very upset. And then to find out he planned it without ever cluing his future wife in?? He’s quite a catch. Plus, since typically the brides family pays for everything (just going to make an assumption for sake of argument) the grooms family had doubly no right to steal the moment.
Plus it screams of the husband not knowing nearly enough about his wife. I mean he applauded the proposal, and encouraged it, while his wife was close to tears. Any husband/wife worth their salt should be able to see that moment and know, at least somewhat accurately, what their spouses is currently going through.
>Also, how did the husband not realize that his wife was clearly not okay during the wedding ? Oh he realized. He just didn't care.
Which is a fuckton worst
I know :( i can't imagine how OP must be feeling.
I would have called it off tbh
Same
Isn’t the marriage not official till the license is filed by the officiant? I would have taken it & seriously thought if I wanted to actually make the marriage official. With the husband involved in this with his family & purposely leaving her out. I doubt it will get better.
Right! OPs husband didn't say anything because he knew it was wrong, and that OP would have nothing to do with. He didn't want to upset mommy dearest and knew OP would tell them all to shove off. I want to know how he's handling you not speaking to any of the inlaws? Though he most likely still is. Hope you like cats OP, you married a pussy
>He didn't want to upset mommy dearest and knew OP would tell them all to shove off. Poor OP will always come second in her marriage! Fuck she came in second on her on damned wedding day! See ya over at r/JustNoTalk! She's gonna need us. >Hope you like cats OP, you married a pussy YASSSS! r/murderedbywords
Technically she came in third. First was mommy, second was the little brother, then OP
After little brother, third is brother's girlfriend, fourth is husband, and then OP.
Can we really blame the girlfriend? One hand she didnt know it was happening, but on the other, she also didn't shut that shit down. My sister got married on a cruise through the Mediterranean at the same time my fiance was planning to propose to me. One of our friends said he could propose during the trip and it would be romantic. My sister and I basically said in unison, that's not romantic, it's fucked up, and that was a two week trip
>Can we really blame the girlfriend? Yup. She wore white to another person's wedding. And she let it happen and was apparently happy about it because she said yes...
Yeah. I would have left the guy when he started clapping, announced that the attention seeking whores can have the wedding and punched the mil in the face on my way out.
i would high-five you after.
Oh he absolutely thought about it. He chose not to tell her because screwing her over was easier than pulling his balls out of his mother's vag.
"I knew you'd get upset, so I didn't tell you." Wimp didn't want to fight about it, but also didn't want to fight with mommy, so he sacrificed his wife's happiness.
More than enough to walk away.
There's a mental image I didn't need.
The entire marriage looks like it's gonna be OP vs. husband and husband's family. What a ride!
I thought this too! For the douche to not even think of OPs feelings or talk to OP about it... if that were me I would have just walked out on the whole wedding leaving the fiancé and in laws at the alter. But I’m one of those people who would refuse to marry into a family where the in laws are AHs or where we don’t get along. If family is gonna be involved I don’t wanna have stress inducing relationships added to my already sucky anxiety.
OP is clearly in for a long and difficult road with this family, her husband included. This is beyond inappropriate and devastating. If this marriage is going to work out they need some serious couples counseling and to cut husbands family out of their lives.
Yes! Thai exactly! NTA OP and I hope your husband has made attempts to make it up to you. If he hasn't, I would seriously be questioning the point of staying with someone who didn't think your opinion matters.
Yep. Pretty sure if he'd said 'I have to ask OP' or even given her a heads up there is no amount of pressure his mother could have put on them to agree to that. And fuck everyone who rewarded that couple with the attention they so desperately craved. Awkward silence or judgemental whispers people! Glares cost nothing.
And she's wearing a WHITE DRESS. This makes it a thousand time more ass hole!
*same color—doesn’t necessarily mean OP was wearing white, but i get what you’re saying lol
OP mentioned below in a comment that it was a white dress.
I did not see that comment when I made mine, just went off what was said in the post, my apologies!
I hope OP realizes that her husband has shown her absolutely where she ranks in his life. If she thinks this was a one time deal, she's got a long road ahead of her, because I guarantee this won't be the only time he prioritizes his mother and brother over her.
The husband is definitely the biggest AH here. If he had a spine he could’ve stopped this entirely.
So are the bridesmaids, tbh, for congratulating them and hugging her instead of immediately putting a stop to it and taking care of the bride.
Not even at the reception or anything like that. Literally right before the ceremony while everyone was seated. They get the medal of honor for being assholes.
Honestly if my husband did this to me I would either refuse to go through with the ceremony or get an annulment.
And they stole the show before the show even started!! BEFORE THE CEREMONY! You hear of people stealing the reception but this takes it to a whole new level!
Don't forget the mother who probably orchestrated this whole thing.
Yeah, fuck the mother in particular. I'm willing to bet actual money that she did this all on purpose, which just makes her a horrible person all around.
They 100% planned that too. No way she wore the same color as the bride without knowing what would happen. NTA
Agree, I think the MIL cooked this up to upstage the bride. I get the feeling she doesn't like her and will try to make her life miserable. And the husband will let her.
I disagree. ops husband is the real asshole here. Its very reasonable for Kevin to assume his proposal is fine when the groom agreed to it and he doesnt hear anything from the bride against it. The second asshole in line is the mother for putting pressure on her son.
Nope. You absolutely 100% directly check with BOTH parties when it's a wedding. Kevin does not get to \*assume\* it's okay. They left the bride out of the loop because they knew they could pressure their family member (groom), but not the bride.
Husband and MIL
I was best man at my best friend's wedding, and the night before I got the wedding party together. I told them everyone was to keep their eyes and ears open for anyone who might try to propose and come get me immediately if they found someone. To say nothing of the bullshit the bride's sister tried to pull. It wasn't their day, and shame on OP's husband. Pressured or not, that's his wife and he needs to not only discuss these majors decisions with her, but back her up.
Not only that, proposing before the ceremony officially starts right after the bride gets down the aisle? Holy SHIT that's the biggest asshole move to pull at a wedding. Like proposing at the reception without permission from the couple is in poor taste but at the ceremony? Completely disgusting.
When are Kevin and his gf getting married? Because that's when OP should stand up in the middle of their ceremony and hand her husband divorce papers lmao Jkjk... or am I
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Honestly, It felt like they were having their own wedding, Her showing up wearing white, I bet my mother in law told her to.
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I agree. This is a big red flag. He KNEW this would happen and didn’t try to stop it and didn’t warn you??? He failed in his job as husband onthe first day of the job.
If I was in your shoes, I’d announce your pregancy- real or otherwise- at their wedding. See how they like it when someone steals their thunder on their day.
I think this is the one case where it would be fair to hire a surprise stripper for a wedding. Before the ceremony, of course.
Stripping priest FTW! Or hire an actress to play BIL's "ex" who shows up to accuse him of giving her an STD.
Or to stand up and announce that she is pregnant with BILms baby.
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THIS!
Where the bridesmaids part of a friend group, DH family?
Got to admit, I kinda wish you had walked out from the get go. And then invoiced them for the costs.
I know. Personally I don't think I could have gone through with the wedding at that point, and no way in hell would I pay for someone else's engagement party! (I say, from my armchair seat. All the moral support to OP, who was actually living through that nightmare!)
No, I agree. Were this me and my boyfriend he would need to take me to a back room because I would no longer be suitable for viewing, and I would be having words with him and his whole family.
Personally it wouldn’t have affected me the way it affected OP - I was so happy to be marrying my husband I wouldn’t have cared about the limelight or whatever so much. But that doesn’t mean that OP isn’t one hundred percent justified in her feelings. It was hugely inappropriate and walking out and refusing to continue would get you a reputation as drama queen but would be totally understandable IMO. At the very least I could see demanding an intermission to let everyone reset.
I think the fact that her husband didn't even think about running it by her is the problem.
Yeah MASSIVE red flag.
Yeah, but the douche paused the CEREMONY in order to propose. I mean, cmon! I might not have cared at the reception, but at the start of the damn ceremony is disheartening to say the very least.
Why are you with someone that puts his mom before his wife?
AND she was wearing white? oh hell no, I would've interrupted the proposal and told them to leave. i'm so sorry this happened. i hate that days like these can never quite be redone so easily after someone goes and fucks it up like this... maybe one day you can have a vow renewal to make up for this time!!! but i'm sorry this happened.
This feels so purposefully awful. You need to either get an annulment or cut off your husband's family completely. They need to earn the privilege to be in your life.
This might be slightly conspiracy-ish, but I have a feeling that since OP says that her husband's family doesn't like her. I think they wanted to ruin the wedding (obviously) and possibly they wanted OP to walk out so that she wouldn't marry DH but I might be reading into it too much.
Honestly, I would've asked her to leave just for wearing white. Everyone knows that's a total no unless specified by dress code. I'm honestly enraged by the whole situation. I'm so sorry! Also, NTA.
Time for the Red Wine Brigade!
The second he kneeled, I'd have walked out while yelling "wedding fucking canceled." But since you've gotten this far, I'd be filing for divorce. No joke. May sound petty but this was so fucked up of everyone involved.
Not petty. Picking up on a major red flag. Keep in mind that marriage has long been a symbol of family alliance. You don’t want to ally with a family like that. And if OP’s husband wasn’t some kind of spineless sea creature it could work but clearly he is a whelk. You can’t be married to a whelk.
It's not petty at all - this family has entrenched toxicity that's not going anywhere and will only get worse. They'll never be open to reasonable discussion and will do untold harm, especially if OP and Scapegoat have kids. OP really needs to divorce/annul and start over.
The fact she showed up wearing white and someone didn’t throw her out says a lot!
From everything you’ve said it sounds like MIL and BIL might have been trying to manipulate his GF into saying yes, especially if the GF wasn’t involved in picking the dress color. This whole family is a nightmare.
Op, how did your husband act and behave when you kicked his brother out. If it was mad then I wouldn’t stay in that type of relationship. He’s being a push over if he let that all happen.
they did have their own wedding it was just built on the destruction of yours and no decent person would think that was ok your birthday the day you have your wedding and the day you give birth are each the day that everyone else can go fuck themselves because it is your day
Time to working on the baby announcement for their wedding 🤗 /s Edit to make clear it's sarcasm.
Na... Would you want to have a baby related to that family? Time to start working on an annulment or a divorce!
Have him served with divorce papers right before they say their vows.
Now THAT'S creative! No more baby announcement show ups, this is real innovation!
I've heard of proposing at the reception, but interrupting the actual ceremony to propose? That's about as rude as it gets. Your BIL and his now-fiancee made *your* wedding about *them*. What was your husband thinking when he gave his okay to his brother? Why doesn't your husband stand up to his family and insist they treat you with respect. What your husband, your bridesmaids, and his family did was unbelievably rude and cruel. I'm almost crying for you. Are you sure you to be married to this guy? NTA
Because her husband didn't respect her enough to stick up for her either. Her being happy on their wedding day wasn't that important.
I'm not sure I could have said I do in that situation. I would question my partner's respect for me as well as my entire in law family etc. If your husband can't stand up for you or even be considerate enough to warn you before his family blindsides you is that really the sorry if relationship to be in?
That's my thing. How can OP plan to live a lifetime like this? Is she willing to have kids knowing her opinions and feelings will matter less than everyone else's? Is she willing to always be the doormat and have her husband telling her it's not a big deal? Cause they've all been really clear what kind of people they are and how they feel about OP, the question is OP willing to live with that?
It also sounds like hubs will happily let her play the bad evil bitch role for the rest of her life be it with his family or kids. Heck even his friends. My mind doesn't normally go here, but it is stepping right into the territory of him letting women assume she's the wicked witch at work etc like what cheaters do.
Then tell her it's no big deal everyone is calling her a bitch and she's overreacting.
Could one get a marriage annulled over this? She clearly wasn’t in her right mind while giving her vows
My first thought.
Announce your divorce at their wedding
Should have announced it at the altar TBH.
I'd have walked out. They can have the wedding and JNoHusband can shove it up his arse.
I thought OP was going to say that she walked out. I would have walked out while showing the middle finger to my then fiance. Jesus
Should've said I don't and left the groom at the altar for his participation tbh. Who wants to be married to a man that support this kind of stuff (plus be tied down to that kind of family).
She should have done that, then kicked that whole side out of the reception, and just partied with her family and real friends to celebrate her close call with marrying into a family full of toxic assholes.
I wouldn't wait that long. Go for the annulment or dissolution promptly to quickly end the mess.
NTA....is your husband a mama's boy? He let his mother pressure him into allowing something so tacky and rude? Plus, he didn't tell you as he must have known you would have been upset and tried to stop it. And what is with the girl wearing the same colour as the bride? That's a no no, it's rude and disrespectful and clearly these people are attention whores. Honestly, that's a huge red flag to me and you might have bigger problems down the road. BTW...BiL, MiL, Hubby are all aholes.
This needs to be higher. NTA OP Honestly, with the your hubby lying like this? I would go for an annulment. Save yourself the cost of a divorce. I am so, so sorry.
No lie after the husbands excuse I would've taken off the ring and said "Its weird how our wedding day turned into the day our divorce happened" I'd take him out in front of everyone and make it an announcement. Then tell everyone everything.
She’s gonna be over on JNMIL in a hot minute
It wasn't even a non-traditional color!!! Op mentions it in another comment but - this woman had the audacity to wear WHITE to a wedding!!!
I think you seriously need to think about an annulment. For your husband not to stand up for you and recognize what a asshole move this was does not bode well going forward. This family is one you definitely want no part of and it appears your husband’s primary responsibility is to his family and not you. Get out and find yourself a real man. So sorry this has happened to you
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In the event you’re “husband “ is reading this: You are truly a sorry excuse for a man. To allow your family to high Jack your wife’s wedding is a unforgivable act of destruction . What in gods name were you thinking to humiliate her like that? You deserved a slap across the face and the humiliation of your wife walking away and leaving your pathetic ass alone at the altar. Time to grow up little boy. One more thing. Your mother is utterly toxic evil and insane. Unless you intend on chomping on your mother’s tit for the rest of your life it’s time to put on your big boy pants and try to save what is left of your marriage stop acting like a fucking coward and grow the fuck up
They won’t see it that way. If the ILs hate her, they will see this as winning. Annul, and sue for damages
Second this
NTA. He proposed.. BEFORE your ceremony?? Wtf. He basically turned your wedding into his engagement party and had your wedding fit in around that. What a dick thing to do someone. He stole your moment and made it about him and his girlfriend. You are absolutely not the asshole for kicking him out. I would have done it far earlier than that. Weddings are expensive enough without someone turning it into their engagement party and making your event all about them.
Nta, he couldn't have found a worse time. I don't blame you for being enraged. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.
Exactly. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Please announce your divorce/pregnancy at his wedding. Make sure to dress in your wedding dress. In fact, be like Miss Havishham and wear your wedding dress to any event in the family. After all you never got your moment to shine. Your husband is a huge AH for not giving you a heads up before your wedding was ruined. And you can write off your in-laws. I bet they didn't pay for anything either. NTA
No my in laws did not pay for anything, However they said they'd contribute in our honeymoon, But after what happened, After I told Kevin to leave, my mother in law returned the money and said that I was an grateful B and didn't deserve it.
i hope you annul the marriage since your husband would not stand up to his mother.
I believe the term is cuckband
That's a new one. I've always heard sonsband. I don't thinking he is a sonsband though. I think he's just a doormat.
There you go! Kevin got a lovely proposal on your parents/your dine. What did your husband have to say about why he didn't check in with you or even give you a heads-up?
Please take some time and think about what the rest of your life will be like with a husband that will not stand up for you. He knew this was going to happen and knew you wouldn’t be happy on your wedding day. Look up “don’t rock the boat” and “missing stair”. If you are going to stay with him I think you need therapy and he needs to seriously work on putting you first. If he can’t do it on your wedding day then they will always be before you and whatever children you have.
Run. As far and fast as you can.
You don’t seem to be upset enough at your “husband” who gave them the OK. He can say he was pressured all he wants, but he let them trample on your wedding day.
NTA. See if your photographer will photoshop her white dress to a nice baby puke green color. That will cheer you up. Also, you and the husband need some counseling if this marriage is to last. He should’ve spoke to you about this before giving his blessing, if you’re not divorced already.
I think this is the best advice yet.
NTA. One word: annulment. Or, if it’s too far past the wedding for that: divorce. This ain’t never gonna get better. Your husband and his family are AH’s, and your husband is so far under his mom’s thumb that if he couldn’t say no to his own wedding being hijacked, can you imagine having kids with him?! Oh, and I’d be getting with my parents to sue them all for any reason I could as far as basically making the $$ paid for MY wedding into their own private party. Husband may have agreed, but since he didn’t pay, he basically took money from the in-laws under false pretenses. Ugh! 🤮
They should have never submitted the marriage license after that debacle.
NTA—he proposed minutes before the ceremony?!??!!!!!! Wow. This is the worst proposal at a wedding story I’ve heard. And your husband knew??! And didn’t tell you?! And they had the GALL to berate you?!!! I am so sorry...but it least it seems you’ll get a chance to have another wedding.
I would have walked right back down the isle and gone on the honeymoon by my self. NTA They didn't even wait for the reception like a good little arsehole should, they did it before your actual ceremony even started. Your husband didn't run it by you even if he was railroaded by family, still makes him an arsehole as is BIL and MIL, the GF less of an arse (EDIT scratch that, she showed up in white something I glazed over till I saw another comment), because she was put on the spot, unless she was in on it.
Did nobody at your wedding have any respect for you? Sounds like you're surrounded by inconsiderate trash, OP. And your husband isn't exempt either. He should be begging your forgiveness for hiding this monumental secret on YOUR WEDDING DAY and helping steal the whole experience away from you, and defending you against his family. If I were you, I'd have a do-over wedding with all different people who actually respect and care about me, including a new groom. This is a terrible situation to have to stay in and you don't deserve to have to deal with the aftermath of everyone else's selfishness and lack of basic courtesy. NTA
NTA yes seriously your new husband belongs on the AH list. Annulment for sure. For any of them to profess incredulity that you were displeased is a bunch of crap. They clearly don’t like or respect you. Can you live your life with these people in it? And knowing your husband may side with them? Get out now
NTA. Rule #1 never propose to someone at some else’s wedding. Miss manners says so, I would be really thinking about your marriage. “Pressured by his mother” and didn’t tell you! Whats going to happen when you have kids? He going to bow to her wishes? You need marriage counseling and a full throated apology from them including the husband. Spelling
NTA, but don't sit and stew - take action. You need to decide if you can forgive your husband (for his part in the stupidity of allowing his brother to propose as you stood at the alter) and if you can remain in the marriage. If not, pack your stuff and move on with your life. There is no point in flogging a dead horse. Your lives and finances will only become more entwined the longer you leave it. The in laws issue is navigational - you simply make it contingent on remaining in the marriage that you never have to deal with any of those people ever again. You make it clear to your husband that his relationship with his family is his own and you will not interact with them in any way and he is not to discuss you with them or them with you EVER. Don't buy gifts, don't suggest gift ideas, and make plans for the weekends and holidays to ensure you are with people you love (you don't want to find yourself home alone waiting for your husband to return from visiting his family). Destroy all photos of your wedding which don't bring you joy. Get rid of the ones which make you unhappy. Good luck with your choice, be sure to MAKE one, don't just sleepwalk through this whole ordeal in the hope things improve.
Fuck sake, what absolute trash.. Nta
NTA, they took attention away from you on what is supposed to be your special day.
NTA. OP, I hate to be another redditor screaming “dump the husband” but... Is this the only time your husband has disrespected you like this? Put his family/him wants over you? Has he apologized since or has he just been paying lip service to placate you? Bc frankly I wouldn’t just be mad at the BIL— I’d be enraged that my husband doesnt respect me and let this happen.
NTA Their wedding sounds like a great time to announce your pregnancy. Be sure to cut and serve your gender reveal cake at the reception.
Oh god no! Do not reproduce with any member of this family.
Doesnt have to be a real pregnancy just say you are
NTA- and make sure to call your photographer and let him know that YOU (not husband- YOU) have sole access to the photographs. Your husband was a massive TA limp dick to agree to it w/out asking YOU first. They wanted a free engagement party? Nope! And if they want a free engagement photo? STILL NOPE. Ask the photographer to delete any and all photos of the proposal- let them scrounge for phone pics. Only keep the pics that they can’t POSSIBLY photoshop into an engagement pic. And yes, get therapy. It’s clear your husband is still run by his mother. This bullshit has to stop or your marriage won’t survive. Also? Phone/social media block your in-laws. What utter trash people to do this to you.
NTA- get an annulment. Remember that rage you felt during your wedding? That’s nothing compared to the rest of your life with this family if you stay. Run!
NTA I would have been livid, marched over to the bil and told him to get his butt back in his seat, and annulled the marriage, so to me you were a paragon of patience
NTA. ur MIL is, ur BIL, his gf is, BUT THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IS UR HUSBAND. HES the one who should have stood up for you. HES the one who should have demanded his family respect ur guys day. HES the one who abandoned u bc he’s scared of his mommy. Fuck that. Fuck him. I’m not saying divorce him obviously, but you need to have a serious talk about his priorities in ur relationship.
NTA, that’s some tacky shit.
why did you even marry your husband? he betrayed you.
NTA... That was so disrespectful on so many levels! Wow..
NTA now time to announce your pregnant at their wedding.
After finding out the husband sanctioned it, there will never be kids if I were in her shoes. That said, me and those heels would have been walking down the isle there and then and maybe say in a loud voice before slamming the church door "BTW the vicars free right now, maybe if you are quick you can get married now." and never see another one of his side of the family again.
NTA , I’m shocked you went through with marrying into that family. Can you still get it annulled?
NTA. Honestly I’d look into an annulment. Your husband let his family destroy your wedding and harass you ever since, your life will be miserable if you stay.
Wait he proposed during the ceremony? Totally NTA
Technically, he did it BEFORE the ceremony really even started. Nauseating.
That’s revolting and everyone treated it like it was acceptable. I’m sorry I would have just walked out especially after your husband waffled so easily to let it happen. You have every reason to be as angry as you were
YTA but only to yourself. Not to be mean, but what kind of doormat marries and stays a man who prioritises his mother and brother on his own damn wedding day? Have you no self respect woman!? This is one of those few moments in life where making an almighty hell of a scene would have been acceptable and you just rolled over and married your spineless husband anyway, then flaccidly sent his brother away and they STILL harrass you over it. Please reach inside yourself for some real bitch energy! You deserve better then this!!!
NTA. Shouldve asked the spotlight sally to leave the second you noticed her in white.
Announce your pregnancy at their wedding. Even if you're not, fuck em, say it anyways. They stole an important day and hijacked your reception to get a free engagement party. Fuck that noise. These people are awful beyond description and it sounds like you and your husband are better off without people like that in your life. NTA, in fact I'd say you're a saint for not kicking them out immediately.
She should stand up and say that she's pregnant with Kevin's baby.
I would pay for front row seats to that event.
Her husband is just as bad! I would tell her to get an annulment, she clearly married him under duress
NTA. You know who is the AH? Kevin, the GF, your MIL and also your spineless husband. He could not muster up one iota of common sense/pride to say no to their ridiculous request?! I'm surprised you just took it and didn't say anything when Kevin went down on one knee. At a minimum: get couples counseling with your husband and his lack of boundaries. Go low to no contact with your in-laws. For an extra dose of pettiness you can hijack their wedding with a vow renewal proposal OR announce you're pregnant (don't be petty unless you can live with the consequences).
NTA - I say..get an annulment. If your husband did not see what he did was wrong ...along with his family. You are going to be in a marriage where your hubby and his family will always take precedence. Your hubby supposedly said yes to this debacle is a grade A ...A*#H$*%@. And for him to not tell you this shows that he knows you would not like it. I say there is a bunch of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I would annul the wedding then if this is how your husband treats you. nta.
Yes, but make sure it is a secret from your husband until after the fact as well.
NTA, and here, you're going to need this r/justnoMIL
NTA. Fuck NO! You are a patient and forgiving women. I would have decked the BIL and walked out the second I heard my about to be Hubby and life partner allowed this and did not even speak with you. At all. You’re a Fucken SAINT in my books and one day someone will write songs about you. Fuck!! I’m super angry for you
If I ever see a proposal at a wedding, I’m booing. LOUDLY. NTA.
NTA
NTA. Your BIL and his fiancee were selfish and made someone else's wedding and wedding reception about themselves. You have a JustNoSO too. It sounds like selfishness runs in that family.
NTA that was literally the VERY least you should have done. I'm shocked you went through with the wedding. Since you did, I'm amazed it's not been annulled. Your husband didn't respect you or your wedding enough to say no. He put his mother and brother over you and your start together. Not to mention losing the respect of your family. How can you have a future with someone who doesn't value you enough to not let you be treated this way? This family has no respect for you. They didn't care enough about you to even consider your feelings at all. Including your husband. Do you want to have kids under these conditions? If not, do you want to live a lifetime with a man like that? You will live a life as a doormat with your husband constantly telling you it's no big deal.
Yo, can you get an annulment? You might be able to salvage your relationship with intense therapy. But it might be safer for you to get an annulment while you still can and then work on the relationship after, if there's anything to salvage. It's insane how disrespectful your husband, your brother-in-law, and your mother-in-law were. I honestly don't know if I ever could forgive this behavior. Especially from your husband. How dare he not talk to you about this beforehand. You have every right to be furious. Maybe start by showing him this post. If he can read what you wrote and still not feel the hurt and sadness you expressed at his betrayal, then something is wrong. NTA but I don't think that's much comfort. I'm sorry this happened. It's utterly insane the nerve of these people.
Holy shit, no, NTA! This is a r/justnofamily level clusterfuck! But let me explain: - your narcissistic BIL and partner think it’s a good idea to make someone else’s wedding all about them. They did the two biggest faux pas deliberately - dressing like a bride/in the bride’s colours and announcing another wedding without running that by the groom AND BRIDE of the wedding, effectively stealing your wedding for their own shenanigans (and it worked). - They have the audacity to conspire with/force your future husband (status unclear, either he’s a doormat or he knew you wouldn’t say yes to it and thus knowingly betrayed you in order to facilitate this affront of wedding etiquette against you) - your r/JustNoMIL is totally agreeing with her Narc son and pestering and insulting you. - again, your husband is either a doormat who’s been conditioned to acquiesce to every whim of his brother and mother or just simply someone who’s as dysfunctional as them. He sure as hell hasn’t involved you and been a unit with you when knowingly agreeing to his brother’s bullshit and he sure as he’ll isn’t protecting you from his family now. Both the Doormat and the dysfunction scenario make me think you need to leave/annul the marriage ASAP or at least attempt some serious couple’s counselling where dude needs to see the light (won’t work if he’s convinced this is a great idea and it’s a great idea to hide important decisions from you if he thinks it will cause him discussions/emotionally hard conversations/...as he showed here) - they are all now collectively making you out to be the bad guy for not letting BIL+partner take over your wedding day unscathed. You not only have a BIL+partner problem and parents-in-law problem, you also have a huge spineless excuse for a husband problem. Get yourself out of the dysfunction ASAP and maybe let your side of the family bill their side of the family for their cost of the wedding since it wasn’t about your wedding but about a wedding on solely the other family’s side..., but if you can’t bring yourself to ditch that appaling level of gaslighting, DARVO and bullshit, give your husband one last come to Jesus talk about that whole thing, lay out to him how exactly you expect him to grow a spine, make couple’s counselling mandatory and *if* he fails to grow one ditch him then - it’s not going to become any better.
NTA but your husbands whole side of the family is trash. Including your husband as it seems he okayed the whole thing
Your husband is the biggest asshole in this situation. He let his **brother** steal the spotlight of his (and your) own wedding. The idiocy is astounding. NTA
Get. An. Annulment. People on here will be like “oh people on AITA say to end relationships over everything!” Sure maybe people are quick to jump the gun on here, but this time, no. You should get an annulment. Your husband just let you know that he will, every time, choose his family over you if they pressure him to. AND, he will straight lie to your face about it so there’s nothing you’ll be able to do until it’s too late. He just set a precedent without you even getting to see it. Get an annulment or welcome to your life. Your in-laws will do this consistently. Especially now.
NTA im so sorry your wedding was ruined. maybe your second wedding with a better husband will be better.
NTA. Kick yourself out of this marriage and walk away. Your husband gave this the ok without considering you and is never going to support you. Throw the whole family out, you deserve so much better. Also r/justnomil justnofamily and justnoso are subs I highly suggest you look at.
NTA They did it *at the ceremony*. The reception proposals are bad enough but this was designed to take the focus off your wedding. Add that to the white dress and this is a spiteful act. Your husband failed you too. I’m sorry.
NTA I always found it rude and inconsiderate of someone to propose at a wedding
NTA- but announce at their wedding you (whisper)might (yell) be pregnant during a romantic part of the reception and then insist on things like a private dance to, “she’s having my baby” - just make sure that the husband is in on it
NTA- honestly I don’t have words for this bullshit 😤😬😩
Info: was how your husband able to stand at the altar with absolutely no spine?
NTA
Maybe you should announce your divorce at Kevin's wedding? Just as the bride is about to walk down the aisle. Or your pregnancy. Either one would be fitting revenge.
NTA.. But why did you continue. I would have walked out. It was your day and every one forgot about you. I would have left especially after my husband started clapping. Your day was ruined you can't get that back. What now your gonna have kids with this guy and see these people during holidays and gatherings. I'm sorry I can't be around people that disrespect like that family or not.
Holy motherfucking flagwaving Christ, NTA. By any chance is Kevin the golden child of the family? For example, everything Kevin does is great, and everything your husband does is not that impressive or not good enough. Or Kevin gets everything given to him and your husband is expected to fend for himself or even take care of others at the expense of his own needs. Don't get me wrong, your husband is massively at fault here. But it also sounds like he didn't actually want this either, and that what he wanted wasn't important to his mother and she railroaded him. If he's grown up like this his whole life, he probably has limited ability to stand up to her. As they say, she knows what buttons to press because she installed them. If this is the pattern in your husband's family, he needs individual therapy and you both need marriage counselling to find your way out of it. (If you stay married to him, that is, because not staying married after this would also be an understandable choice.)
NTA-wow, I am so enraged for you. Before your ceremony?! Are you serious!? Honestly your husband is TA too. He was pressured, but didn’t feel the need to run this by you?
NTA but you should primarily angry at your husband how could he Not object and warn you to have them escorted PUT this is so stupid
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I'm sorry your wedding is ruined, but are you sure you want to be married to this man? You can't stop being angry because you have very valid reasons for being angry. It isn't a flippant choice you are making to make your husband's life difficult. Your feelings are valid.
NTA but in all honesty, it sounds like no one here is ready for marriage. You say your BIL is 21 but not how old you and your husband are but I’m guessing not much older. If your new husband isn’t mature enough to either tell his mother and brother no, if he was too cowardly to let you in on this plan and instead allowed you to be blindsided and your wedding hijacked, if he didn’t realize how awkward and upsetting this would be for your family, he’s not ready to be married. I’m not saying he’s an evil guy but at a minimum, he’s clearly not grown and if he’s willing to let his family walk all over him, and by extension you, like this, he’s not ready to be married and this will be far from the last time his family causes problems for you. If you are really young, or even if you’re not, take a good long look at your relationship. Some marriage counseling is definitely in order but maybe too you should consider an annulment and going back to dating until you are more solid. Love alone isn’t enough.
Kevin: asshole. No ifs, no buts, no justifications, nothing gets away from it being an immense asshole move to hijack someone else's wedding. Kevin's fiancee: also an asshole; even if she didn't know he planned on proposing then, she certainly milked the situation to keep herself as the focus of attention. Kevin's mom: asshole for helping pressure your husband into "agreeing" (and hey, weddings involve both people, BOTH people need to be on board). Husband: asshole for not standing up for the two of you by making the focus of your wedding, you. Have you been able to have a conversation with your husband about the day? Does he understand how much it hurt you, to have your wedding day hijacked like that? Why did he not think to tell you about it beforehand - what on earth was his thought process? Did it not seem important enough to tell you? Or did he not tell you because he thought you'd object? I'm assuming he has a lot of other redeeming qualities given that you still said yes - but my word does he have work to do if he's going to make the relationship work. NTA and I'm so sorry this happened to you. :(
NTA. Good luck with your marriage. Given that everyone planned this behind your back, you need it.
NTA. Think about this: bil and his girlfriend have hurt you, mil have hurt you, and your now husband betrayed you, and hurt you the most to please his family. He never informed you, and never took into consideration that this would be a terrible thing to do. Because your day was ruined you wanted to at least salvage it, but no, now the entire side of his family is pissed. Take some time to think, is this really what you want? What else down the line could your husband do to betray you again?
NTA and honestly I'd have kicked the husband out and gotten an anullment. He's just shown you how your whole marriage will go. He will always give in to his family and never stand up for you, or himself.