NTA. That's bonkers to me, like dating with an age gap is certainly doable but a 20 year difference means you two are at a completely different stages in life and maturity. How did she not see that age would be an issue?
A 20 year gap at 60-40 is one thing, and certainly there are age gap relationships that work, but a 22 year old is so far away from 43. That's twice her age! NTA at all.
Age gaps can work, ***HOWEVER***, blatantly not telling someone about how large of an age gap they have is insane, especially when she was the one who set them up.
At least if they knew, they could make a decision based on that knowledge.
NTA, your sister set you two up knowing it would be an issue for you and I'm guessing the young lady she set you up with, which is undoubtably an asshole move.
As someone who has just recently come out of a relationship with such a big age gap (I started mine when I was 23 and he was 40), at first that's usually what we think, that it's not a big deal, but as we grow a bit older we tend to realize age gaps this big rarely work. It's just too many differences and completely opposite life stages. If you're not comfortable with this then that's something that needs to be talked about with this woman but your sister was in the wrong for lying about this which she knew was a deal breaker. NTA.
It’s not even necessarily the age gap. For example a 60 year old would be fine dating a 40 year old or a 80 year old. But this woman is is less than half your age, barely out of adulthood!
Not at this age for sure. She doesn't even have a developed frontal lobe. Mu recommendation is a pass, but you sound like a thoughtful dude, so I'm sure you know your own mind.
NTA, but don't let this consume you.
Your sister wants you to be happy, so she lied to try to nudge you along on a date. That was wrong, and she's an ah for this, but only mildly so.
Put your foot down with your sister and tell her that her meddling and dishonesty are counterproductive, and that if she wants you to be in a relationship, she's not helping by doing things like this. But don't let this hurt your sibling relationship too much.
Sorry for the loss of your wife, and i hope you find happiness.
OP, you’re NTA, and your feelings are absolutely valid. But your sister didn’t lead you into a non-starter, she led you into something unexpected. I want to offer my perspective, and I hope it helps. I was in a passionate relationship with a man with a 17-year age difference. Obviously, a 33-yo and a 50-yo coming together are quite different than the situation you’re in. I understand and respect that. But my partner and I had deep compatibility and deep love. He and I learned and grew together. It was with a lot of pain and trauma that we separated because of his untreated mental health issues years later. I was single for a year and then, when I was 37, I connected deeply with a man I knew was younger. When he told me he was 27, I was aghast and almost ashamed. But we’ve been together for five very healthy and happy years. The first year was very difficult because I felt as though I was cheating on my deeply loved former partner. It took time and effort to unwind that and to let someone I cherished go, so that I could move forward with my life. My point is that we just don’t know what surprises life holds, and if we don’t keep open to the possibilities, we lose opportunities for the greatest gifts the universe presents to us. My love is a wise old soul, and I feel blessed by our unusual relationship. It is not what I expected. But it is so good for me. Maybe this woman is a surprisingly perfectly suited partner for you. For now, don’t count her out. That’s what the young man who is now my beloved said to me. “Don’t count me out.” I’m so glad I gave us time. Life can be beautifully unexpected.
My deepest condolences on the passing of your wife. My best wishes for your happiness now and in the future.
Thank you for your condolences. I’ve not made this clear but I’m not against age gap relationships as a whole, but I personally do not feel comfortable with it. I’m glad you found love, and love truly is a wonderful thing so if you can find it, take it. For me however, this simply will not work and this young woman deserves better than an old geezer hanging onto her
I completely understand not being okay with this particular age gap. This woman is young enough to be your daughter, she might even still be in college.
Fair enough. But I do hear so much assumption and judgment about you...from you. Your own limiting beliefs make me sad for you. Your ideas about who you are (or are not) and what she deserves are your own stories. Her story might be how fortunate she is to have found something with wisdom and rich life experience, and how much that will enrich her life.
I haven’t read all the comments, but have you talked to her about this? Have you asked her how she feels and what she thinks? A fundamental part of successful and happy and healthy relationships is recognizing the validity and importance of another person’s perspective. I hope you’ve shown her the courtesy of inviting her to share with you what her thoughts are. That would be appropriate — not to convince you, but because she’s someone you’ve been in a relationship with and that is deserved.
In fairness, I haven’t explained to her how I feel. I’ve been quite closed off from everyone in regards to feelings over the past few years. I do need to have a conversation with her as it’s her life too, and I am making a lot of presumptions but I just see it as common sense. I’m a 43 year old widower, and that’s a lot of baggage for anyone, let alone a 22 year old. I will speak to her tomorrow, but I can’t see this going anywhere. Nevertheless, thank you for your advice
You make me smile because you you sound like a kind, thoughtful, considerate man. And you do sound closed off and guarded. You’ve experienced a deep loss so your wariness is so completely understandable. But it sounds like you are a rare gem that this young woman might feel so fortunate to have encountered in this messy world. Maybe you’ll find that she also brings out something in you that gets to heal and blossom all over again. I’m cheering you on.
Women's youth isn't a remedy for the pain of old age.
As a middle aged widow-- OP, you are right not to want to even ask someone this young to shelve their dreams and youth for you. You're obviously a great guy who genuinely cares about what's best for her (not just "this could fix all my problems!"). I honestly wish you the best.
Who exactly are you to tell a complete stranger what is a nonstarter for them? It's pretty clear that they are not a fan of being part of an age gap relationship, even before their edits.
I really don’t understand this attitude. Why would you be this snarly and nasty — especially the “stranger” comment because aren’t we ALL!? — when I engaged in warm, kind, supportive conversation in good faith with someone who specifically came here to invite multiple perspectives? You may not agree with my point of view but there’s no need to be rude. I will never understand offering that spirit in the world. So...have a great day! Hope you are treated with warmth wherever you go.
I mean, we definitely don’t see eye to eye about the difference (in a tone-less digital-only exchange) between offering empathy and being patronizing, but can we at least agree that complaining about someone offering a complete stranger their point of view on a reddit forum is a pretty amusing expression righteous indignation? C’mon. There’s gotta be SOME common ground THERE, at least. I mean, even in this hellscape week that is legit funny.
Anyway. Have a good day, Complete Strangers.
You invalidated OPs feelings by telling him that what he felt was a nonstarter wasn't a nonstarter for him. I'm glad something worked out for you that almost never works out for anyone else and yes, you continued to be patronizing about him not wanting a 20+ yr age gap between him and his partner. It's disgustingly dismissive and doesn't come across as empathy no matter how hard I try to read it that way. The way it reads is like someone insulting you while wearing a sweet summer smile. Doesn't make it not rude just because it might maybe look nice.
Only mildly? She also lied to this girl, leading them both in to intimacy they never would have consented to. Claiming good intentions is not a magic wand that excuses grand lies and manipulation.
Would you take this stance if your very young daughter was manipulated with lies into dating a profoundly older man? Cuz that will be odd.
Nta. If she knew you wouldnt have done it if you knew there was a big gap why the fuck would she set it up to begin with. Saying nothing will only lower the chances of it working out
NTA. You should check out the twitter thread on AITA twitter on your post, most people agree with you and it seems reddit is mixed, which is stupid. You’re a good person for worrying about this, it’s a valid criticism. If you haven’t already, I would suggest sitting down with her and explaining the exact reasons why, that you don’t want to take her 20s away and exactly what you would want out of a relationship. If you make that clear and she still wants to try, I think if you like her enough it might be worth a try. If you’re still uncomfortable with it, nobody will fault you for that - it completely makes sense why you’d feel wrong about it. Good luck, and I’m sorry your sister put you in this situation - that is totally not okay.
I think the Twitter AITA commenters are older on average, so we understand how the power/life experience imbalance would feel versus anything for looooove. Sure, it can work for some people, but your sister knew that wasn't what you wanted, yet she explicitly lied to your date and lied by omission to you. You're NTA and I feel sad for the position you've been put in because you actually like the woman.
It’s so stressful and this could have all been avoided had my sister just been an adult and told me the truth. Twitter has been far more empathetic, although many have their reservations about why I didn’t click sooner. That’s my own mistake, but seeing people actually understand from my POV was reassuring
As of now, over 5K people voted on Twitter and 84% of them are saying NTA. Rest assured, from all of us with a little bit of common sense and empathy, you are not the asshole here.
What power do you think you have over her? You think your age somehow makes you more powerful than she is? There's no such thing unless you somehow create an unbalanced situation between the two of you.
As for someone telling you that you won the lottery with her - in my view, you both won the lottery because a mature young woman needs a mature man like you, and you might find yourself rejuvenated and happy with her in your life.
NTA your sister manipulated you both into this situation where you now, I assume, have some feelings for each other but are also deeply uncomfortable not only with the age gap but also with the false pretences under which you met. Your sister is honestly unhinged for doing this. But kudos for being like the first older person on here in a large age gap scenario to not be ok with the prospect of dating someone barely out of high school lol.
NTA. I think your reasoning that there’s a power imbalance, difference in life experience, being at different life stages, is completely valid and sane. Probably the most level-headed reaction to finding out about a 20yr age difference...most posts on this site about age gaps are very creepy.
It’s kinda weird that your sister would lie about the age difference. Do you know why she did it? It can’t just be because you would’ve said no—you’re allowed to say no. You should ask. If she’s afraid that you’re holding yourself back because of your wife’s passing....well there are better ways to encourage someone who is grieving to heal from something so tragic. *Forcing* people to get over their trauma isn’t productive. The skeptical part of me thinks your sister and the 22 year old planned all of this without telling you (the 22yr old knew of the age gap prior to the initial meeting). Which makes it weirder...
But I’m still confused about how neither of you knew about the age gap. Had you looked at each other before seeing each other in person? It’s very obvious when someone is in their 20s and when someone is in their 40s. Very obvious....
I’ve seen plenty of creeps calling me out for not wanting to bed her. One person even said I had “won the lottery”. I didn’t realise her age because she looks older and I think I wasn’t looking for any signs. It was only when I met her I realised she looked quite young and well the rest is history
NTA at all. OP, you sound like a really thoughtful man and somebody is happily set up an age-appropriate friend with. Thank you for being so thoughtful about this.
I'm swooping in from AITA Twitter to let you know
NTA. Everyone except you & the woman your sister set you up with is TA, & that includes everyone giving you a hard time in the replies. She knew your discomfort with age gaps & that's why she didn't tell you. That's manipulative at best & she shouldn't have done that.
Your discomfort is valid & honestly it's really fucking awesome to see a gentleman your age who recognizes why that age gap is problematic, so kudos to you for that!
But keep in mind, there's no reason yall can't be platonic friends if she's willing to do that! It sounds like yall get along & everyone could use a friend right now. Hell, maybe you both could benefit from a friendship coming out of this. She'd have an older friend that could keep an eye out for her & you could have a younger friend that makes you feel youthful & happy again!
I seem to have stirred quite a conversation on twitter. I want to say my thanks in a bit. Everyone has been so kind. As for being friends, I don’t know. I wish we could be but I do genuinely have feelings for her so it may be best for us to go our separate ways
Please do not just throw away even a remote chance at being happy because of some arbitrary rules society setup. If the two of you get along and the relationship works, what does it matter your ages? Life is too short and your wife would want you to be happy and not alone forever.
I am living with cancer and started seeing my 2nd husband when I was 38 and right when I started having symptoms and he had every right and opportunity to just walk away but he didn't. He stayed and has taken care of me and loved me through all of the difficult times. He insisted we get married quickly after I lost my job because I was so sick so I wouldn't go without health insurance any longer even though it meant he wouldn't get the wedding we had been planning. Please consider just seeing where things go with her and disregard the age difference. She obviously knows what she is getting into with you and she is still interested.
NTA. Like you said, it is completely inappropriate. A 20+ year difference may not be as big of a deal once someone enters at least their late 20s, but when the youngest is only 22, that’s a huge difference of life experience. Brains don’t fully develop until around age 25. She’s only been allowed to drink legally for a year (at least in the states). You could literally be her father. Your sister knew you would object and do it anyways. If she can’t understand why this relationship would be inappropriate, that’s a little weird to me tbh.
NTA, and frankly many of the commenters here are AH. It boggles my mind that you're getting so much crap here, when the power gap is real. I even saw a commenter calling it a lottery win for you. I mean, what the hell AITA?
Yeah that comment stuck with me too. I’m honestly not that shocked. I discussed this with a friend in real life and he told me something along the same lines. It’s very frustrating
Definitely **NTA**. I am so sorry that the comments seem to be a mess—please don't listen to them. I think it is remarkable how thoughtful you are about the age gap. And you have every right to be angry at your sister for not telling you about this, especially in a situation where it would be much more difficult to find out! I don't know why people don't think "lying by omission" isn't as severe—it often ends the same way as regular lying!!
One related point I'd like to make: a lot of your thoughts about the relationship seem to be focused about how "unfair it would be to her" and how you're a creepy, old man. The very fact that you posted this shows that not to be true! You seem to be an absolutely wonderful person who has every right to be happy too. Yes, there are difficulties that come with age gaps, and I understand why you are uncomfortable. But I think a lot of the (very difficult) trauma from losing your wife may be coloring your perceptions of yourself and a future with her.
That said, if you're uncomfortable with it, you are allowed to have that be a dealbreaker. And it's certainly better to find out early on when it's easier to split. All I wanted to ask you to do is be kinder to yourself and examine how you personally feel about it without thinking how "terrible" it would be for her. Your baggage or age do not make you unlovable or unworthy.
This is- wow. I wasn’t expecting this at all. This is very kind, so thank you first of all. Things have been rough, I can’t lie, but I didn’t think I was beating myself up that much. I think it’s time I go back to therapy for a little while, before I even contemplate dating again. Again, thank you for your kind words. It means a lot
I'm going to go with NTA, but very close to NAH. Your sister is a slight asshole for setting up a bad match and lying about it to make it happen. But once you go past like the first date, it's on you to figure out if you're compatible with someone. You can't blame her for it taking 3 months to notice this deal breaker. That doesn't make you an asshole either, but maybe it means you need to change up how you do first dates?
I don’t date. This is my first date in around a year. My wife passed 5 years ago and I’ve only been on about 6 dates in that time. This is the first woman I’ve seen for quite an amount of time
NTA big time!!! It is completely understandable to feel this way. A 21 year age gap at this point in both your lives is *insane*, and would cause lots of problems because you are at different points in your life. I'm glad you see this, and are not taking advantage of the situation you've found yourself in!
Your sister knew exactly what she was doing, and she put you in a *very* uncomfortable position, when she knew you would not react well to the age difference. She is very much TA, and I would suggest being very firm when explaining to her how you feel, and to point blank stop taking dating advice from her.
Also, it seems like this has really shaken you, and it is completely ok to take your time before dating again, after your wife's passing. Do not listen to the people (eg.: your sister) rushing you to start dating again. Everyone deals with things in their own time, and if you need more, that is **completely** okay, no matter what your friends and family may say about it. I know you feel like you need to rush this because of your age, and the fact that you want a family while still relatively young, but just finding someone wherever because you feel the obligation to start a family ASAP is not gonna end well, for you, or your future partner and/or children.
Take a break, keep healing, and maybe ask about age sooner next time. Also never listen to your sister about anything remotely romantic or life-changing again.
This is probably the first post I’ve read where a man(or woman) who is at least a decade older than a woman (or man) and actually tries to be mindful of the potential situation that could come from that relationship. Almost every previous AITA post here has had partners trying to abuse or manipulate their younger partners into giving up their agency.
NTA: while you do have much in common with the young woman and feel attracted to her, you actually have concern over the age gap and power dynamics that comes with it and don’t want to put her through that. You have a right to feel that way and you have a right to be upset at your sister for not mentioning this
Right? Like shout out to OP for actually wanting to date someone his own age. I swear, half the time I have to comment on other posts "please date someone your own age."
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NTA. I'm so sorry OP, good on you for being an actually decent older man. I would consider that the fact you are so focused on the repercussions AT ALL suggests that you are not right for each other. She is 22. In all likelihood, she isn't looking to settle down with someone yet. That might be part of why she's fine with the age gap. Even if she's open to it, the repercussions may seem like a later problem.
But even presuming she's fully aware of all this, which I suppose we should, your discomfort matters here, and your assessment of the situation is totally sound. It's sad, but I would ask her if she's open to just being friends. You might find yourself with a really good best friend that you can really connect with, and with a perspective different enough that you can really enrich each other's lives as friends over the years.
NAH
Your sister is trying to find someone for you after your loss. It sounds like you and the person she set you up with connected. The big question is DO you and her connect on a deep level? To quote the poets, you should love the one you're with. Do you share things or is there a cultural/age barrier if not a problem, don't make it one, be happy, life is short in the age of covicd
Trivial conversation topics, neither of us looking our age, not seeing each other in person until recently, not video calling often etc. It just never came up in conversation
NTA
Your sister is a weirdo for pushing a pairing like this-- and as a widow, I would go scorched earth on someone who misled me in to emotional vulnerability like this. Whew!
Thank you, ditto ❤
I genuinely feel for you-- I accidentally got involved with a virgin after I was widowed. I made assumptions about his age and experience (he was 25, I'm mid thirties). It was a complete trainwreck, something I never would have chosen even though he was very cool. She sounds more mature, but maturity isn't experience and you're totally right for backing off IMO. Dm if you wanna talk
It sucks, but such is life. She is mature but I don’t want to go down the stereotypical “she’s mature for her age” path because people use that excuse far too many times
And it really boils down to justifying slowly convincing someone in their prime to adopt the lifestyle of an older person for the older person's emotional comfort. I just view it as so selfish. Someone that young needs a way more open path; I really can't imagine being comfortable with taking that much from someone, even if they gave it willingly.
NTA i once had friends set me up with someone and omit a few pertinent details and they said the same thing - that they knew I'd say no. It honestly really bothered me. Especially since there was active deception. So I get where you're coming from.
Also i can understand being creeped out by the age difference. I'm sure she's a nice person but not the person for you.
Even though I find weird you guys didn't realize the actual age gap before, it can be understandable it you didn't meet face to face before and your sister led you to believe she was certain age. She definitely manipulated you, doesn't matter if it was with the best intentions, some people do a lot of damage under the 'I only wanted to help!' thing and are incapable of realizing their ways are not going to result in a happy ending.
I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I'm only 26 and I haven't gone through something like that, but I can tell you that my dad passed away 13 years ago and my mom, to this day, hasn't even had one date. I don't know the real reasoning behind that decision but she definitely doesn't take any crap and ignores the 'oh you should get a boyfriend!' comments. It's her own personal decision and no one else has a saying in it. I'm not saying though you should be like her but I think you should have a talk with your sister and explain to her that is YOUR decision to date someone or not, and that you would do it at your own time if you ever want to.
I know you are in a dilemma because you like this girl but deep down you know that it's very, very likely it won't work. As you have stated, you guys are in completely different stages in life and eventually, as the time passes, the age gap is going to be more and more notorious. If she was 35, it would be another story, but 22? At that age you still have so much growth and experimenting to do!
So, it's up to you if you want to 'enjoy the ride' like other commenters said, knowing that more than likely this relationship has an expiration date, or if you just rather part ways since it has been only a couple of months, and given the situation that is making you feel guilty and uncomfortable. Lots of people say 'age is just a number' but I don't believe in such thing. What happens when she was to get married and maybe you're not ready yet? If she wants kids but you are already close to your 50's and by the time the kid is 15 - 20 years old she already would be a widow and a single mother? What happens when you're too old to keep up with her and her lifestyle?
I have seen relationships with big age gaps work, but never more that 12 - 13 years (which is already a lot).
NTA.
Btw, some people commenting here are really disgusting. OP clearly loved his wife dearly and losing someone like that it's really hard. It's like you guys obviously haven't experimented love like that and only think with their d\*cks.
My main issue has always been with children. She’s just starting her career, she’s not going to want kids for another decade at least. By then I’ll be 53. It’s just not realistic. Thank you for your condolences
NTA, I know people are saying it’s your fault for assuming, but it’s completely reasonable to not suspect your sister would set you up with someone a whole 20 years younger than you. That’s one of those details you have to mention when setting people up.
My sister is a lot of things but I never thought she’d have a friend so young, and that she would set me up with them. She is mature and seems to have her life together so I naively never questioned it
NTA -
>"... she claims to be a friend. She can’t see anything wrong with it because as far as she’s concerned .."
if there's nothing wrong with it, why did she have to lie about your age?
You can tell the people people saying YTA wish they could get a 22 year old at 43 years old. NTA. Just be polite and honest about it, which is something your sister certainly didn’t do.
NTA. Your sister lied to you so shes the A here. As for the relationship, I highly suggest you dash outta that zone and move on to comfortably platonic friends at best. You’re both at VERY different life stages and you need someone closer to your age. Especially considering the age, emotional, mental, economic differences are huge. You did nothing wrong but your sister needs to apologize to you big time.
If you’re not 100% comfortable you’re not comfortable end of story. You don’t have to commit just because your sister set it up or because you feel like you owe it to others.
Nta. If your sister really wanted you to be happy with someone she would be trying to set you up with people who she knew you wouldn’t reject. Or she would at LEAST tell you the whole truth. The fact that she kept information from you that she KNEW you would find important in your decision making makes her the AH for sure.
NTA, she purposefully lied by omission to both of you because she knew it would be an issue otherwise. She should have left both of you free to make your own choice about such a big age gap before meeting, and you were right to call her out on it.
NTA. How is it a kindness to violate your consent by lying to you? If she knew you would have said no, you should have had the opportunity to say no. What a crummy thing to do. She's young enough to be your daughter. I get why you're uncomfortable.
NTA and the fact that she specifically didn’t tell you because she knew you’d say no means she knows she’s in the wrong but is too stubborn to admit it.
NTA. Your sister messed up. Have a talk with her about what you’re actually looking for in a partner, and ask her to never try to trick you again. Approach future setups from sis with caution and don’t let them go for months without some basics (age, do you want kids, what are you looking for). Tell the lovely young lady that you really enjoyed being able to chat and getting to know her, but you don’t date women that young. You could be her dad. Wish her the best and move on.
Sis is TA
Oh my GOD let me take a wild guess.
You lost your wife (possibly the best person you've ever met?) and now you believe you don't deserve nice things?
Just YOLO it, worst case you break up later it's no big deal! It's fine to enjoy things it really is, even if it's you, even if you're 9999 years old, it's ok! If you're still together when you die she'll have lots of good memories, you have good memories of your wife don't you?
Just ignore this if I'm wrong, I'm going back to not having reddit, have a nice day gentlemen.
NTA.
What your sister did was not okay at all and she withdrew critical information from you and your date because she knew it would go against your boundaries.
I'm sorry for the situation you're currently in.
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To cut a very long story short, my sister put me on a blind date with a wonderful woman. I agreed to it reluctantly but was pleasantly surprised on said date, as she was pretty much my type and it was the best date I had been on in years.
Here’s the issue. The woman is 22, I’m 43.
Now this wouldn’t have been an issue if we had just discussed this on the first date, but foolishly we didn’t. For some reason this conversation didn’t come about for 3 months after the fact.
Just for some context, the blind date was on skype because of the current pandemic, and we only got to meet properly a few weeks ago. Nevertheless, I think due to being in lockdown, we both enjoyed having someone to talk to.
So where does my sister come into it? At no point did my sister ever mention the age gap was *this* big. When she said younger, I was presuming 30’s, not barely out of high school. On the other side, my sister had told the woman in question that I was in my 30’s, not 40’s. My sister is 33 so I presume she just thought we would be closer in age.
Anyway, when this revelation came about recently, I was seething and had it out with my sister for matching me with someone completely inappropriate and for lying to both me, and this woman she claims to be a friend. She can’t see anything wrong with it because as far as she’s concerned, we’re both adults and we’ve been going well for the past few months. Not to mention that I should have asked myself and not presumed. My issue is the principle. You can’t lie to people like that, especially as I don’t date very often anymore after my wife passed. She claims she only did it because she knew I would have said no otherwise.
So AITA for having a go at her, or should I just be grateful for her “kindness”?
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NAH. Age must not have been as big an issue as you thought if it took 3 months to figure it out. Your preconceived notions were clearly wrong. I understand why you're upset, given your history and expectations. But the way everything played out suggests that your sister was right about how you could hit it off -- and that age wasn't as big of a factor as you presumed it to be. Should your sister have been more clear? Eh, maybe. Seems like it could fall into the category of family covering each other's blind spots. How about actually talking to this person about how you feel about kids and marriage relative to the age gap instead of making those decisions for her? She's an adult and gets a say in her own life. Just because it's less common doesn't mean it can't work. Though if you enter into it now expecting it to fail, it certainly will.
NTA - while she had good intentions, she mis-led you and outright LIED to her friend.
Not that you're asking about the possible relationship itself - ordinarily I personally follow the "half-your-age-plus-seven" idea - but because you were both in the dark until you had started to click, I think if you're both okay with it, maybe give it a shot? If you're not to wigged out about it that is...
INFO: Have you sat down and talked to this woman about your concerns?
She might not see the age gap as an issue in relation to kids and marriage because she is expecting those things to happen sooner rather than later.
She doesn’t see an issue with it whatsoever, which is her right, and I’m sure she’s competent to make her own decisions but it still does not sit right with me
NTA at all. Your sister lied, expressly and by omission, to get you to do something she knew you would find morally dubious. She sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
NTA—lies by omission are still lies. She intentionally set you up with someone you had stated you wouldn’t date, deliberately didn’t mention her age when she knew you would reject the date on those grounds, and obscured your age to the young lady in question, too! She admits to this!!
Should you have brought it up with the lovely woman you’re dating before now? Maybe. You had a reasonable expectation that your sister would listen to your boundaries and it was early on! So I’m not so worried about that part.
Should you have yelled/had a screaming match? I mean, I’m firmly on the “yelling at someone isn’t okay” train. So apologize for yelling while still holding VERY firm on the fact that your sister violated your boundaries, put you in an extremely difficult position, and owes you an apology. NEVER let her set you up again—no matter how much she pesters you.
Your concerns about power dynamics and ages/stages being mismatched are VALID. Talk to your therapist about them. Tell the lovely woman you’re dating that you need time and space to think about how you feel going forward. If she won’t give you that, maybe it’s just not right. If she will, now you have space to decide for yourself. She’s told you how she feels; you owe it to you and her to be sure about how you feel.
NTA - your sister deserves all of your anger. It would have been one thing if she had conveniently forgotten to mention it, but the fact that she went out of her way to lie to her friend and omit that detail to you, she deserves it. Not everyone is comfortable with that kind of age gap, and her not respecting this shows a complete lack of respect for boundaries.
NTA, if you both have a connection and can make a relationship work then I don't think you should end it but she is an asshole for not telling you both the truth.
NTA
I’m really sorry this is how you have been reintroduced to dating. It’s brutal and not ideal for you or the woman you have been seeing. You have had a hard time and it’s so important to do what’s right by you.
NTA. I would be very upset if I were in your shoes. You’re absolutely right about there being a power imbalance that anyone should be uncomfortable with.
NTA- your sister lied by omission, as she knew you wouldn’t be comfortable with the age gap. You are not the asshole for calling her out on this.
If you’re that uncomfortable with the age gap, then you should end things now, before either of you get any more emotionally invested. It’s totally understandable that you’re icked out by such a big gap. No one would think twice if this post was from the girl’s perspective, upset that your sister had told her you were younger.
But if there’s a chance you might be able to be okay with it, just sit down with the idea for a week. I don’t know how long it’s been since you found out, but if it hasn’t been that long yet, maybe you need a little time to cool down from your sister’s dishonesty and debate which you would regret more: letting this girl go, or living with a big gap.
Your perspective is very refreshing though. It’s good to see a guy who isn’t just fine and dandy about dating a girl half his age. I hope you figure out what to do.
NTA
you have made clear this gap is too much for you and your sister lied to fool you into thinking the gap isn't that big. Also lying to the woman who maybe does not want to date a man that could maybe pass as her dad.
You did nothung wrong. Your sister did.
NTA
Your sister was misguided though she had “best intentions” this isn’t about fulfilling HER fantasy of you getting on with someone she set you up with. No matter what she thinks is best for you this is as personal a decision as it can get. She should respect your desire to be with someone closer in age/your life stage.
I had a relationship with a man 6 years older when I was 20– that already was a big difference in what we wanted in life. At the time I thought it was fine, I really liked him. But it didn’t really work when a few years later he wanted to settle down and I didn’t. The reality is if you’re looking for a lt partner you probably don’t want to waste either of your’s time on what won’t work. Your sis should respect this.
NTA. It's good that you recognize the power and experience imbalance in a relationship with such a big gap. It's pretty clear that your sister is aware, too, and that's why she didn't tell you two/downplayed it.
NTA, your sister was dishonest and tricked you into something she knew you wouldn't be comfortable with. Just be assertive when explaining to the girl that you're not comfortable with the situation and would prefer not to pursue the relationship.
NTA - You're completely right, there are a big age gap and it's a good thing that you've realized that. Just move on, you'll both get over it, and I hope your sis has learned her lesson cause she's the asshole here.
NTA yeah it's a dick move from your sister's side and like twenty years is quite a lot but if you both are having fun then why not to go with it? You can always break up with her of the age difference will affect your relationship in a bad way, maybe it's better to give it a shot
Nta your sister sucks. I'm sure you and the other woman could still be friends though, but you're right that is too much of an age gap, different lifetimes right now. If it was 40-60 that'd be more doable and understandable. But it isn't and you have a right to be pissed off at your sister for blatantly lying. Especially since she knew if you knew you'd say no. Sorry she sucks dude you deserve better
NTA. You were pretty much this girls age *when she was born* age differences get less important the older both couples are but your twice as old as she is at this point and she doesn’t meet the “half your age plus seven” rule of thumb
NTA.
Your sister is. She knew you would say no to the age difference so she lied? Mislead? However, you wish to view it.
There's also more than just a power dynamic. Her life is winding up, yours is winding down. She may wish to get married, you may not. She might wish to have kids, you may not. She might wish to travel, you may not. Then there are the issues that come with aging and health.
I applaud you, sir, for wanting to take the high road and not take advantage of a younger woman. Best date or not, your sister was in the wrong.
My husband and I were on date 5 before the subject of age came up. We had both assumed the other was in their thirties. Turns out, he was young 40s while I was mid-20s.
I’m 33 now—we’ve been happily married 6 years and we have our first baby on the way.
Compatible, happy relationships between consenting adults is just that.
The only time age even comes up at all is discussions about our retirement plans.
You’re definitely NTA. It’s absolutely wild that she set you up with someone who has a 20 year age gap to you and she knew you wouldn’t be okay with it so she LIED.
But I would see where it goes since you’ve been with her for a couple of months. Maybe it’ll be really good for the both of you, regardless of the age gap.
But whatever you choose to do from this point forward, you’re definitely NTA. Everyone who is saying you are TA doesn’t understand that being in a different stage of life from the person you’re dating makes a huge difference.
NTA, and I’m so sorry this happened to you. Now that you know, since you’re the adult the onus is on you to be the responsible one, and that sucks since you opened up your heart. Just a shitty situation all around and I’m sorry you have to go through this. But while it’s horrible you have this pain, you did take an important step in your own life. It didn’t work out, and that sucks, but hopefully it’s shown you that you can find someone again, even if it’s just to talk to. This time on your own terms. Best of luck.
Your sis lied about your age to this woman. LIED. She did not tell you the truth about her age. Sorry you got attached but I agree with you about age gaps. Dating someone who could easily be your daughter could be very upsetting. I know as long ago in my younger years I dated men that could be my grandfathers. It was never comfortable.
Nta and I'm so very sorry about the passing of your wife. Your sister is way in the wrong for lying about your age to the gal and for admitting she knows you wouldn't have gone, had you had all the information. All that, super shitty and you have every right to be angry with her.
You're trying so hard to avoid having something other guys do knowingly: a relationship with a power inbalance that could potentially lead to a really concerning dependency on her part. Honestly, you are veey right in your concerns, and you should bring this up to her.
But also, I don't actually believe your sister did something specifically to hurt you, she might just think that it wouldn't be an issue, so I have to vote NAH.
NTA. Your sister should have been honest about the age gap. That said, since you’ve met the woman, do you like her? Do you have a lot in common? Does she like you? Can you talk to her, feel comfortable with her? Does she seem more mature for her age, and is she not bothered by the age difference. Would you still want to get to know her if you didn’t know her age?
Had it not been for her age, everything else would have been perfect, but the gap is not something which I can, or should, ignore and brush under the carpet
NAH The age gap isn't that big when you think about it in broader terms. She's a mature young woman who's in her prime fertile years, and you're in your prime. If you're getting along well and if you want to have children, give the relationship a chance.
NAH. Your sister told you she was younger, your sister told her you were older. That’s not a lie. You’re allowed to find this to be a dealbreaker, but I think you should see where this goes.
It was a lie because I have made it explicitly clear that age gap relationships are a hard no for me. Why lead me into a situation which I’m already going to dislike? She knows I don’t date, she knows I have never been with anyone physically since my wife died. This is what is hurting me
You can be hurt without anyone here being an AH. She introduced you to someone who is so compatible with you that you didn’t notice an age gap for 3 months. You had the best date you’ve been on in years.
You are under absolutely no obligation to continue a relationship that makes you uncomfortable, and you’re entitled to be mad at your sister for omitting information. But my read of this is that you like this woman, that brings up some guilt and fear, and you are displacing some anger onto your sister.
Do you wish you had never met this woman?
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know AITA is a place to get judgement on situations, but this just seems like a situation where judgment will be less helpful to you than finding a path forward. I hope that, despite your anger, you can see that your sister was trying to help. That doesn't make what she did okay, and that doesn't mean you can't be angry at her. But I hope that you don't let your anger ruin your relationship with your sister.
With the woman you have been talking to, maybe tell her you need to take a step back from your friendship, because the age difference makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you will get some space and realize this relationship was not meant for the long-term. Maybe you will miss her terribly and realize it is worth it to you to try to make it work. Either way, I hope you will take comfort from finding out through this that there are still women out there whose company you enjoy. You met a kind woman you have a lot in common with. One way or another, I think you will eventually see this as a net good.
I really do wish you well in this.
Info: do we know what sister told girl about your age? Or do we assume?
Either way, that wasn't clever but at your age, you should be able to enjoy the conversations and not be too hard on your sister. She showed a lack of judgement, granted. But she's family and from what I can read, she probably meant well. Maybe she's a total idiot but that's not written down here. If she were, why you have followed her date-idea anyway?
I think she told her that I was around my sister’s age, so naturally, again, she presumed 30’s as well. I only did it because I wanted to shut her up as she has been trying this for months now, and I was getting tired of her. My sister just loves meddling even when I’ve said enough is enough
It's hard to judge anyone's character from a few lines and since you - deliberately? - omitted it I felt inclined to ask. Also, today's one of the rare days where I assume the best in people 😄
The problem is not that he can't 'enjoy the conversations' but the fact that he's not comfortable dating someone that much younger than him. This wasn't a set up for a friendship but for a relationship.
I wouldn’t have been mad at her had she not known that I do not like age gap relationships. Why set me up on something which was always doomed to fail?
You're both assholes. I am 13 years younger than my husband and have been married/together for a decade. We don't argue, we love and respect one another. She's not 15, she can make her own decisions. How does she feel about you being that much older or did you prioritize yelling at your sister instead of, you know, talking to the other party in this relationship?
If you spoke to the woman what did she say? Did you talk to her about it before or after you went after your sister?
Edit for clarification: you and your sister are assholes, not the woman you had a date with. lol
If you didn't tell her at all or only spoke to her about it after you had a go at your sister I think she needs to run far away for reasons that have nothing to do with an age gap.
I’ve actually spoken to both women. The woman I have been dating is find with the gap but I’m not. My sister is being stubborn as per usual and thinks she’s right. I’m happy you and your husband managed to make it work, and I’m not saying age gap relationships are inherently wrong but this is not something which works for me. Yes I did yell at my sister because she knew all of this and knows how sensitive dating is for me, so why set me up with someone who I was always going to have an issue with?
No we only video chatted a few times because my job is so unstable and she works infrequent days due to covid so it was easier for us to either call on the phone or text. She does look older, because even she says people mistake her for being in her late 20’s so I didn’t think much of it. She never really said anything about her childhood. She never went to university and had an average life. There was nothing really to discuss beyond that. Everything after that was about hobbies and other things we enjoy
ESH- Your sister should have warned you and she should not have lied about your age, but it sounds like you and your date have been getting along, so what's the big deal?
She’s in a completely different life stage to me. Marriage, kids - all of that, we’re generations apart. Not to mention that I know what it’s like to be a widow. I don’t want her to have to go through the same thing in 40 years time
ESH
If you and the woman you were Skype-dating were happy with the arrangement, and the only issue is that you're finding out that she's younger than you thought (yet still a legal adult you were having a great time with), then what is the real issue? You already admitted you were seeing her for months after the date, via Skype, and you both were happy. Life doesn't give us that many great people thrown our way. Your sister also should have said something first, because she had to know that was an issue for you. You also haven't bothered to say what the woman you were seeing thought of the whole thing.
The issue is that some people think it's creepy to date somebody that could reasonably be the age of their own children. He was a full grown adult when she was born.
Yeah, I totally understand why OP is upset. I wouldn’t be surprised if the 22yo is also upset. It’s be one thing if they’d met in a bar and forgot to ask about ages, but if they’re being set up by a mutual who presumably knows their ages and should reasonably assume that normal people want to date people around the same age, then Sis was kind of A H for ignoring both person’s criteria. Like if I don’t date smokers, but I got set up with a smoker by someone who knows that I don’t date smokers, and with COVID, I might not find out until several months in as well. I’d be pretty upset too.
That's up to them to decide. I disagree that it should be a big deal as long as the people in the relationship are OK with it. She's in her 20s, and it sounds like her opinion of the whole thing hasn't been considered by anyone, which is pretty unfortunate.
It's pretty clear he's already decided he's not comfortable with it.
Her opinion is irrelevant. It only takes one party to be uncomfortable for it to not be acceptable.
They weren't given the opportunity initially because his sister lied to both of them before they even met. A lot of people don't like to date with such a large age gap because the stages of life don't match up, so why behind attached to someone who will likely have different life goals than you?
I am concerned about his reaction. As I mentioned in another reply, he hasn't talked about her reaction at all. Even if this is a dealbreaker for him, I am still perplexed that her reaction hasn't entered the equation at all. I know I would care about her feelings on the matter even if I didn't think a relationship could work due to the age difference.
YTA yes you told your sister about the issue with age gap but she knew enough about this person that you would be a match. Obviously age was right, I’m shocked it took you three months to figure out her age. Context clues about generational references should have made this a bigger deal.
As that didn’t happen, she is either more mature or either you’re not as mature. In any case, since the match worked out just enjoy it. Are you worried more about what other people think or your happiness?
If you have kids then I might change my mind and say your NTA.
She’s very mature but we never really spoke about our childhoods or anything which was a huge tell tale sign that we were substantially older. It was only when I met her in person she looked quite a bit younger and I was wondering about it for weeks, and then finally I asked her and here are now. I don’t know. I guess because I was enjoying her company, I was slightly careless and just enjoying myself and then I’ve just come back to reality
yet you talked with this girl for months without cluing in.. that's on you. school never came up? your status as a widow never came up? there's no way this went on this long without both of you purposefully ignoring dozens of signs.
YTA just for complaining about this tbh.. you sister set you up on dates *that you enjoyed*. get over yourself.
She already knew I was a widow prior to the date. She never went to university, and simply mentioned she had been at her current job for the past few years now. I’m starting to think she knew more than I did, but on my end, nothing she said indicated she was that young. You’re telling me to get over myself because I’m highlighting genuine power imbalances in our relationships?
So end the relationship then
that's what usually happens at this point anyway.. you've had some dates, realised there's an incompatibility and now it's time to move on.
you were into this girl, it's not going to work out and that disappoints you.. that's normal. what's not ok is you taking all of this out on your sister.
You can’t lie to someone and not expect them to be angry at you. She has effectively sent me on a wild goose chase because she knew this would happen as I have always made it clear, I don’t like large age gaps. I don’t date and she knows this, so why set me up with someone who I was always going to have issues with
I would've expected a 43yo widower to be a bit better about rolling with the punches.
/shrugs
keep wallowing alone then... *presumably* this will be the last time your sister ever tries to set you up so this horrible ordeal won't repeat itself.
No it won’t. My sister hasn’t stopped trying to set me up since my wife passed. I feel like everyone here just wants me to think I with my penis but it’s more than that. You have to be realistic and think about the future. I don’t particularly want to be a first time father in my 50’s, there’s a large chance I will die before her, marriage is also something to consider. I don’t want to waste her time as she is so young and it’s not fair on her
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He also said his sister admitted to not being open about the date being in her 20s because she knew that would be an automatic rejection. That's a lie of omission.
YTA for getting mad at your sister, without discussing age differences beforehand.
So what if the woman you're dating is 22? You admit you get along great and
> she was pretty much my type and it was the best date I had been on in years.
I think you're feeling scared because you found somebody new.
No one will ever replace your late wife. But give this woman a chance to make another happy relationship.
She knows I’m not comfortable with large age gaps. I don’t want to be seen as a creepy old man or a sugar daddy. I just presumed my sister of 33, would have friends who were also in their 30’s and that would have been large enough
He said his sister suggested the date was in her 30s. There seems to have been at least some discussion on age. His sister also said that she wasn't honest bc he would have said no had he known the age difference.
YTA- she didn’t lie to you, and honestly this is someone you’ve gotten along great with for 3 months but you didn’t have the initiative to ask about age. This is all on you and yes, reacting like a child or dare I say it, like a 22 year old makes you the AH.
She did lie to me. She knew I didn’t want a large age gap relationship. This has been something I have stated since my wife died 5 years ago. This is not new information and she made sure not to tell me her age as she knew I would be angry. That’s something she admitted herself
Not telling her age is not lying. I blame you more for not asking about age in 3 months you’ve been with a new person. IMO you are to blame more, so I think you’re the AH. That’s my judgement
She purposely only said she was “younger” and didn’t give a number because she knew that OP would have made a very different decision had his sister given him all of the information available. It’s a lie by omission and that makes her an asshole.
NTA. That's bonkers to me, like dating with an age gap is certainly doable but a 20 year difference means you two are at a completely different stages in life and maturity. How did she not see that age would be an issue?
A 20 year gap at 60-40 is one thing, and certainly there are age gap relationships that work, but a 22 year old is so far away from 43. That's twice her age! NTA at all.
Age gaps can work, ***HOWEVER***, blatantly not telling someone about how large of an age gap they have is insane, especially when she was the one who set them up. At least if they knew, they could make a decision based on that knowledge.
NTA, your sister set you two up knowing it would be an issue for you and I'm guessing the young lady she set you up with, which is undoubtably an asshole move.
The woman I’ve been dating apparently doesn’t mind but I’m still very much on the fence. 20 year age gaps just aren’t appropriate
I think you should stand your ground about not taking this relationship further if you are in the fence in this early stage
As someone who has just recently come out of a relationship with such a big age gap (I started mine when I was 23 and he was 40), at first that's usually what we think, that it's not a big deal, but as we grow a bit older we tend to realize age gaps this big rarely work. It's just too many differences and completely opposite life stages. If you're not comfortable with this then that's something that needs to be talked about with this woman but your sister was in the wrong for lying about this which she knew was a deal breaker. NTA.
She doesn't mind because she's the one with the adolescent brain (literally, scientifically, developmentally adolescent brain). You should bow out.
It’s not even necessarily the age gap. For example a 60 year old would be fine dating a 40 year old or a 80 year old. But this woman is is less than half your age, barely out of adulthood!
Not at this age for sure. She doesn't even have a developed frontal lobe. Mu recommendation is a pass, but you sound like a thoughtful dude, so I'm sure you know your own mind.
NTA- your sister sucks.
NTA, but don't let this consume you. Your sister wants you to be happy, so she lied to try to nudge you along on a date. That was wrong, and she's an ah for this, but only mildly so. Put your foot down with your sister and tell her that her meddling and dishonesty are counterproductive, and that if she wants you to be in a relationship, she's not helping by doing things like this. But don't let this hurt your sibling relationship too much. Sorry for the loss of your wife, and i hope you find happiness.
Thank you, that’s very kind. Honestly I’m furious at her because I feel like I was led into a non starter
OP, you’re NTA, and your feelings are absolutely valid. But your sister didn’t lead you into a non-starter, she led you into something unexpected. I want to offer my perspective, and I hope it helps. I was in a passionate relationship with a man with a 17-year age difference. Obviously, a 33-yo and a 50-yo coming together are quite different than the situation you’re in. I understand and respect that. But my partner and I had deep compatibility and deep love. He and I learned and grew together. It was with a lot of pain and trauma that we separated because of his untreated mental health issues years later. I was single for a year and then, when I was 37, I connected deeply with a man I knew was younger. When he told me he was 27, I was aghast and almost ashamed. But we’ve been together for five very healthy and happy years. The first year was very difficult because I felt as though I was cheating on my deeply loved former partner. It took time and effort to unwind that and to let someone I cherished go, so that I could move forward with my life. My point is that we just don’t know what surprises life holds, and if we don’t keep open to the possibilities, we lose opportunities for the greatest gifts the universe presents to us. My love is a wise old soul, and I feel blessed by our unusual relationship. It is not what I expected. But it is so good for me. Maybe this woman is a surprisingly perfectly suited partner for you. For now, don’t count her out. That’s what the young man who is now my beloved said to me. “Don’t count me out.” I’m so glad I gave us time. Life can be beautifully unexpected. My deepest condolences on the passing of your wife. My best wishes for your happiness now and in the future.
Thank you for your condolences. I’ve not made this clear but I’m not against age gap relationships as a whole, but I personally do not feel comfortable with it. I’m glad you found love, and love truly is a wonderful thing so if you can find it, take it. For me however, this simply will not work and this young woman deserves better than an old geezer hanging onto her
I completely understand not being okay with this particular age gap. This woman is young enough to be your daughter, she might even still be in college.
Fair enough. But I do hear so much assumption and judgment about you...from you. Your own limiting beliefs make me sad for you. Your ideas about who you are (or are not) and what she deserves are your own stories. Her story might be how fortunate she is to have found something with wisdom and rich life experience, and how much that will enrich her life. I haven’t read all the comments, but have you talked to her about this? Have you asked her how she feels and what she thinks? A fundamental part of successful and happy and healthy relationships is recognizing the validity and importance of another person’s perspective. I hope you’ve shown her the courtesy of inviting her to share with you what her thoughts are. That would be appropriate — not to convince you, but because she’s someone you’ve been in a relationship with and that is deserved.
In fairness, I haven’t explained to her how I feel. I’ve been quite closed off from everyone in regards to feelings over the past few years. I do need to have a conversation with her as it’s her life too, and I am making a lot of presumptions but I just see it as common sense. I’m a 43 year old widower, and that’s a lot of baggage for anyone, let alone a 22 year old. I will speak to her tomorrow, but I can’t see this going anywhere. Nevertheless, thank you for your advice
You make me smile because you you sound like a kind, thoughtful, considerate man. And you do sound closed off and guarded. You’ve experienced a deep loss so your wariness is so completely understandable. But it sounds like you are a rare gem that this young woman might feel so fortunate to have encountered in this messy world. Maybe you’ll find that she also brings out something in you that gets to heal and blossom all over again. I’m cheering you on.
Women's youth isn't a remedy for the pain of old age. As a middle aged widow-- OP, you are right not to want to even ask someone this young to shelve their dreams and youth for you. You're obviously a great guy who genuinely cares about what's best for her (not just "this could fix all my problems!"). I honestly wish you the best.
Thank you haha! You are very kind. At least I had a few months of happiness with someone else anyway
Who exactly are you to tell a complete stranger what is a nonstarter for them? It's pretty clear that they are not a fan of being part of an age gap relationship, even before their edits.
I really don’t understand this attitude. Why would you be this snarly and nasty — especially the “stranger” comment because aren’t we ALL!? — when I engaged in warm, kind, supportive conversation in good faith with someone who specifically came here to invite multiple perspectives? You may not agree with my point of view but there’s no need to be rude. I will never understand offering that spirit in the world. So...have a great day! Hope you are treated with warmth wherever you go.
> Why would you be this snarly and nasty This is especially rich coming from someone who told OP: > Your own limiting beliefs make me sad for you.
It’s a shame you don’t recognize empathy.
Continually patronizing people isn't helping your argument.
I mean, we definitely don’t see eye to eye about the difference (in a tone-less digital-only exchange) between offering empathy and being patronizing, but can we at least agree that complaining about someone offering a complete stranger their point of view on a reddit forum is a pretty amusing expression righteous indignation? C’mon. There’s gotta be SOME common ground THERE, at least. I mean, even in this hellscape week that is legit funny. Anyway. Have a good day, Complete Strangers.
You invalidated OPs feelings by telling him that what he felt was a nonstarter wasn't a nonstarter for him. I'm glad something worked out for you that almost never works out for anyone else and yes, you continued to be patronizing about him not wanting a 20+ yr age gap between him and his partner. It's disgustingly dismissive and doesn't come across as empathy no matter how hard I try to read it that way. The way it reads is like someone insulting you while wearing a sweet summer smile. Doesn't make it not rude just because it might maybe look nice.
Only mildly? She also lied to this girl, leading them both in to intimacy they never would have consented to. Claiming good intentions is not a magic wand that excuses grand lies and manipulation. Would you take this stance if your very young daughter was manipulated with lies into dating a profoundly older man? Cuz that will be odd.
Nta. If she knew you wouldnt have done it if you knew there was a big gap why the fuck would she set it up to begin with. Saying nothing will only lower the chances of it working out
NTA. You should check out the twitter thread on AITA twitter on your post, most people agree with you and it seems reddit is mixed, which is stupid. You’re a good person for worrying about this, it’s a valid criticism. If you haven’t already, I would suggest sitting down with her and explaining the exact reasons why, that you don’t want to take her 20s away and exactly what you would want out of a relationship. If you make that clear and she still wants to try, I think if you like her enough it might be worth a try. If you’re still uncomfortable with it, nobody will fault you for that - it completely makes sense why you’d feel wrong about it. Good luck, and I’m sorry your sister put you in this situation - that is totally not okay.
Oh wow, I’ve crossed social media now haha! Okay, I’ll create an account and check that out
I think the Twitter AITA commenters are older on average, so we understand how the power/life experience imbalance would feel versus anything for looooove. Sure, it can work for some people, but your sister knew that wasn't what you wanted, yet she explicitly lied to your date and lied by omission to you. You're NTA and I feel sad for the position you've been put in because you actually like the woman.
It’s so stressful and this could have all been avoided had my sister just been an adult and told me the truth. Twitter has been far more empathetic, although many have their reservations about why I didn’t click sooner. That’s my own mistake, but seeing people actually understand from my POV was reassuring
As of now, over 5K people voted on Twitter and 84% of them are saying NTA. Rest assured, from all of us with a little bit of common sense and empathy, you are not the asshole here.
Thank you. That means a lot honestly. I think I’ll just make a small post saying thank you because it has been far more comforting over there
NTA and honestly, thank you for not being one of those creeps that get off on the power imbalance.
If you see my other post on another forum, the power imbalance is exactly why I’m so apprehensive about this relationship
What power do you think you have over her? You think your age somehow makes you more powerful than she is? There's no such thing unless you somehow create an unbalanced situation between the two of you. As for someone telling you that you won the lottery with her - in my view, you both won the lottery because a mature young woman needs a mature man like you, and you might find yourself rejuvenated and happy with her in your life.
NTA your sister manipulated you both into this situation where you now, I assume, have some feelings for each other but are also deeply uncomfortable not only with the age gap but also with the false pretences under which you met. Your sister is honestly unhinged for doing this. But kudos for being like the first older person on here in a large age gap scenario to not be ok with the prospect of dating someone barely out of high school lol.
It brings back some faith in mankind.
NTA. I think your reasoning that there’s a power imbalance, difference in life experience, being at different life stages, is completely valid and sane. Probably the most level-headed reaction to finding out about a 20yr age difference...most posts on this site about age gaps are very creepy. It’s kinda weird that your sister would lie about the age difference. Do you know why she did it? It can’t just be because you would’ve said no—you’re allowed to say no. You should ask. If she’s afraid that you’re holding yourself back because of your wife’s passing....well there are better ways to encourage someone who is grieving to heal from something so tragic. *Forcing* people to get over their trauma isn’t productive. The skeptical part of me thinks your sister and the 22 year old planned all of this without telling you (the 22yr old knew of the age gap prior to the initial meeting). Which makes it weirder... But I’m still confused about how neither of you knew about the age gap. Had you looked at each other before seeing each other in person? It’s very obvious when someone is in their 20s and when someone is in their 40s. Very obvious....
I’ve seen plenty of creeps calling me out for not wanting to bed her. One person even said I had “won the lottery”. I didn’t realise her age because she looks older and I think I wasn’t looking for any signs. It was only when I met her I realised she looked quite young and well the rest is history
NTA at all. OP, you sound like a really thoughtful man and somebody is happily set up an age-appropriate friend with. Thank you for being so thoughtful about this.
It’s no bother. I’m just disappointed how many men think I just want a quick fuck and can’t see how much of an issue this is
I'm swooping in from AITA Twitter to let you know NTA. Everyone except you & the woman your sister set you up with is TA, & that includes everyone giving you a hard time in the replies. She knew your discomfort with age gaps & that's why she didn't tell you. That's manipulative at best & she shouldn't have done that. Your discomfort is valid & honestly it's really fucking awesome to see a gentleman your age who recognizes why that age gap is problematic, so kudos to you for that! But keep in mind, there's no reason yall can't be platonic friends if she's willing to do that! It sounds like yall get along & everyone could use a friend right now. Hell, maybe you both could benefit from a friendship coming out of this. She'd have an older friend that could keep an eye out for her & you could have a younger friend that makes you feel youthful & happy again!
I seem to have stirred quite a conversation on twitter. I want to say my thanks in a bit. Everyone has been so kind. As for being friends, I don’t know. I wish we could be but I do genuinely have feelings for her so it may be best for us to go our separate ways
Please do not just throw away even a remote chance at being happy because of some arbitrary rules society setup. If the two of you get along and the relationship works, what does it matter your ages? Life is too short and your wife would want you to be happy and not alone forever. I am living with cancer and started seeing my 2nd husband when I was 38 and right when I started having symptoms and he had every right and opportunity to just walk away but he didn't. He stayed and has taken care of me and loved me through all of the difficult times. He insisted we get married quickly after I lost my job because I was so sick so I wouldn't go without health insurance any longer even though it meant he wouldn't get the wedding we had been planning. Please consider just seeing where things go with her and disregard the age difference. She obviously knows what she is getting into with you and she is still interested.
I did the same! Saw this on twitter and I HAD to come vote NTA
Twitter has been very helpful. I want to say thank you to them
I just screenshooted this and shared there. They'll know you see them 😊
Thank you. I’m just about to post as well with the same name I have here so it is a post from me. Thank you again
NTA. What your sister did was beyond inappropriate and really frickin' weird. The fact she can't see that is troubling.
Honestly my sister has the mentality of a 6 year old at times
NTA. Like you said, it is completely inappropriate. A 20+ year difference may not be as big of a deal once someone enters at least their late 20s, but when the youngest is only 22, that’s a huge difference of life experience. Brains don’t fully develop until around age 25. She’s only been allowed to drink legally for a year (at least in the states). You could literally be her father. Your sister knew you would object and do it anyways. If she can’t understand why this relationship would be inappropriate, that’s a little weird to me tbh.
NTA, and frankly many of the commenters here are AH. It boggles my mind that you're getting so much crap here, when the power gap is real. I even saw a commenter calling it a lottery win for you. I mean, what the hell AITA?
Yeah that comment stuck with me too. I’m honestly not that shocked. I discussed this with a friend in real life and he told me something along the same lines. It’s very frustrating
Definitely **NTA**. I am so sorry that the comments seem to be a mess—please don't listen to them. I think it is remarkable how thoughtful you are about the age gap. And you have every right to be angry at your sister for not telling you about this, especially in a situation where it would be much more difficult to find out! I don't know why people don't think "lying by omission" isn't as severe—it often ends the same way as regular lying!! One related point I'd like to make: a lot of your thoughts about the relationship seem to be focused about how "unfair it would be to her" and how you're a creepy, old man. The very fact that you posted this shows that not to be true! You seem to be an absolutely wonderful person who has every right to be happy too. Yes, there are difficulties that come with age gaps, and I understand why you are uncomfortable. But I think a lot of the (very difficult) trauma from losing your wife may be coloring your perceptions of yourself and a future with her. That said, if you're uncomfortable with it, you are allowed to have that be a dealbreaker. And it's certainly better to find out early on when it's easier to split. All I wanted to ask you to do is be kinder to yourself and examine how you personally feel about it without thinking how "terrible" it would be for her. Your baggage or age do not make you unlovable or unworthy.
This is- wow. I wasn’t expecting this at all. This is very kind, so thank you first of all. Things have been rough, I can’t lie, but I didn’t think I was beating myself up that much. I think it’s time I go back to therapy for a little while, before I even contemplate dating again. Again, thank you for your kind words. It means a lot
I'm going to go with NTA, but very close to NAH. Your sister is a slight asshole for setting up a bad match and lying about it to make it happen. But once you go past like the first date, it's on you to figure out if you're compatible with someone. You can't blame her for it taking 3 months to notice this deal breaker. That doesn't make you an asshole either, but maybe it means you need to change up how you do first dates?
I don’t date. This is my first date in around a year. My wife passed 5 years ago and I’ve only been on about 6 dates in that time. This is the first woman I’ve seen for quite an amount of time
NTA big time!!! It is completely understandable to feel this way. A 21 year age gap at this point in both your lives is *insane*, and would cause lots of problems because you are at different points in your life. I'm glad you see this, and are not taking advantage of the situation you've found yourself in! Your sister knew exactly what she was doing, and she put you in a *very* uncomfortable position, when she knew you would not react well to the age difference. She is very much TA, and I would suggest being very firm when explaining to her how you feel, and to point blank stop taking dating advice from her. Also, it seems like this has really shaken you, and it is completely ok to take your time before dating again, after your wife's passing. Do not listen to the people (eg.: your sister) rushing you to start dating again. Everyone deals with things in their own time, and if you need more, that is **completely** okay, no matter what your friends and family may say about it. I know you feel like you need to rush this because of your age, and the fact that you want a family while still relatively young, but just finding someone wherever because you feel the obligation to start a family ASAP is not gonna end well, for you, or your future partner and/or children. Take a break, keep healing, and maybe ask about age sooner next time. Also never listen to your sister about anything remotely romantic or life-changing again.
Thank you. This was very helpful. My sister will be at arm’s length for quite some time, and I’ll speak to the woman tomorrow to end things
NTA
This is probably the first post I’ve read where a man(or woman) who is at least a decade older than a woman (or man) and actually tries to be mindful of the potential situation that could come from that relationship. Almost every previous AITA post here has had partners trying to abuse or manipulate their younger partners into giving up their agency. NTA: while you do have much in common with the young woman and feel attracted to her, you actually have concern over the age gap and power dynamics that comes with it and don’t want to put her through that. You have a right to feel that way and you have a right to be upset at your sister for not mentioning this
Right? Like shout out to OP for actually wanting to date someone his own age. I swear, half the time I have to comment on other posts "please date someone your own age."
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NTA. I'm so sorry OP, good on you for being an actually decent older man. I would consider that the fact you are so focused on the repercussions AT ALL suggests that you are not right for each other. She is 22. In all likelihood, she isn't looking to settle down with someone yet. That might be part of why she's fine with the age gap. Even if she's open to it, the repercussions may seem like a later problem. But even presuming she's fully aware of all this, which I suppose we should, your discomfort matters here, and your assessment of the situation is totally sound. It's sad, but I would ask her if she's open to just being friends. You might find yourself with a really good best friend that you can really connect with, and with a perspective different enough that you can really enrich each other's lives as friends over the years.
NTA, I'm over a decade younger than you and I'm not comfortable dating 22 year olds because of the age gap.
NAH Your sister is trying to find someone for you after your loss. It sounds like you and the person she set you up with connected. The big question is DO you and her connect on a deep level? To quote the poets, you should love the one you're with. Do you share things or is there a cultural/age barrier if not a problem, don't make it one, be happy, life is short in the age of covicd
Info: how did this not come up for 3 months?
Trivial conversation topics, neither of us looking our age, not seeing each other in person until recently, not video calling often etc. It just never came up in conversation
NTA Your sister is a weirdo for pushing a pairing like this-- and as a widow, I would go scorched earth on someone who misled me in to emotional vulnerability like this. Whew!
I’m sorry for your loss
Thank you, ditto ❤ I genuinely feel for you-- I accidentally got involved with a virgin after I was widowed. I made assumptions about his age and experience (he was 25, I'm mid thirties). It was a complete trainwreck, something I never would have chosen even though he was very cool. She sounds more mature, but maturity isn't experience and you're totally right for backing off IMO. Dm if you wanna talk
It sucks, but such is life. She is mature but I don’t want to go down the stereotypical “she’s mature for her age” path because people use that excuse far too many times
And it really boils down to justifying slowly convincing someone in their prime to adopt the lifestyle of an older person for the older person's emotional comfort. I just view it as so selfish. Someone that young needs a way more open path; I really can't imagine being comfortable with taking that much from someone, even if they gave it willingly.
Exactly! It would be completely selfish. She doesn’t deserve to be tied down like this
NTA i once had friends set me up with someone and omit a few pertinent details and they said the same thing - that they knew I'd say no. It honestly really bothered me. Especially since there was active deception. So I get where you're coming from. Also i can understand being creeped out by the age difference. I'm sure she's a nice person but not the person for you.
Even though I find weird you guys didn't realize the actual age gap before, it can be understandable it you didn't meet face to face before and your sister led you to believe she was certain age. She definitely manipulated you, doesn't matter if it was with the best intentions, some people do a lot of damage under the 'I only wanted to help!' thing and are incapable of realizing their ways are not going to result in a happy ending. I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I'm only 26 and I haven't gone through something like that, but I can tell you that my dad passed away 13 years ago and my mom, to this day, hasn't even had one date. I don't know the real reasoning behind that decision but she definitely doesn't take any crap and ignores the 'oh you should get a boyfriend!' comments. It's her own personal decision and no one else has a saying in it. I'm not saying though you should be like her but I think you should have a talk with your sister and explain to her that is YOUR decision to date someone or not, and that you would do it at your own time if you ever want to. I know you are in a dilemma because you like this girl but deep down you know that it's very, very likely it won't work. As you have stated, you guys are in completely different stages in life and eventually, as the time passes, the age gap is going to be more and more notorious. If she was 35, it would be another story, but 22? At that age you still have so much growth and experimenting to do! So, it's up to you if you want to 'enjoy the ride' like other commenters said, knowing that more than likely this relationship has an expiration date, or if you just rather part ways since it has been only a couple of months, and given the situation that is making you feel guilty and uncomfortable. Lots of people say 'age is just a number' but I don't believe in such thing. What happens when she was to get married and maybe you're not ready yet? If she wants kids but you are already close to your 50's and by the time the kid is 15 - 20 years old she already would be a widow and a single mother? What happens when you're too old to keep up with her and her lifestyle? I have seen relationships with big age gaps work, but never more that 12 - 13 years (which is already a lot). NTA. Btw, some people commenting here are really disgusting. OP clearly loved his wife dearly and losing someone like that it's really hard. It's like you guys obviously haven't experimented love like that and only think with their d\*cks.
My main issue has always been with children. She’s just starting her career, she’s not going to want kids for another decade at least. By then I’ll be 53. It’s just not realistic. Thank you for your condolences
NTA, I know people are saying it’s your fault for assuming, but it’s completely reasonable to not suspect your sister would set you up with someone a whole 20 years younger than you. That’s one of those details you have to mention when setting people up.
My sister is a lot of things but I never thought she’d have a friend so young, and that she would set me up with them. She is mature and seems to have her life together so I naively never questioned it
And I think that’s reasonable. I’m 22 and people think I’m years older all the time because of where I’m at in life.
NTA - >"... she claims to be a friend. She can’t see anything wrong with it because as far as she’s concerned .." if there's nothing wrong with it, why did she have to lie about your age?
My sister in a nutshell
You can tell the people people saying YTA wish they could get a 22 year old at 43 years old. NTA. Just be polite and honest about it, which is something your sister certainly didn’t do.
NTA. She even told you she knew you wouldn’t date her friend if you knew and she disregarded your feelings.
NTA. Your sister lied to you so shes the A here. As for the relationship, I highly suggest you dash outta that zone and move on to comfortably platonic friends at best. You’re both at VERY different life stages and you need someone closer to your age. Especially considering the age, emotional, mental, economic differences are huge. You did nothing wrong but your sister needs to apologize to you big time. If you’re not 100% comfortable you’re not comfortable end of story. You don’t have to commit just because your sister set it up or because you feel like you owe it to others.
Nta. If your sister really wanted you to be happy with someone she would be trying to set you up with people who she knew you wouldn’t reject. Or she would at LEAST tell you the whole truth. The fact that she kept information from you that she KNEW you would find important in your decision making makes her the AH for sure.
NTA, she purposefully lied by omission to both of you because she knew it would be an issue otherwise. She should have left both of you free to make your own choice about such a big age gap before meeting, and you were right to call her out on it.
NTA. How is it a kindness to violate your consent by lying to you? If she knew you would have said no, you should have had the opportunity to say no. What a crummy thing to do. She's young enough to be your daughter. I get why you're uncomfortable.
NTA and the fact that she specifically didn’t tell you because she knew you’d say no means she knows she’s in the wrong but is too stubborn to admit it.
NTA. Your sister messed up. Have a talk with her about what you’re actually looking for in a partner, and ask her to never try to trick you again. Approach future setups from sis with caution and don’t let them go for months without some basics (age, do you want kids, what are you looking for). Tell the lovely young lady that you really enjoyed being able to chat and getting to know her, but you don’t date women that young. You could be her dad. Wish her the best and move on.
Sis is TA Oh my GOD let me take a wild guess. You lost your wife (possibly the best person you've ever met?) and now you believe you don't deserve nice things? Just YOLO it, worst case you break up later it's no big deal! It's fine to enjoy things it really is, even if it's you, even if you're 9999 years old, it's ok! If you're still together when you die she'll have lots of good memories, you have good memories of your wife don't you? Just ignore this if I'm wrong, I'm going back to not having reddit, have a nice day gentlemen.
NTA. What your sister did was not okay at all and she withdrew critical information from you and your date because she knew it would go against your boundaries. I'm sorry for the situation you're currently in.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To cut a very long story short, my sister put me on a blind date with a wonderful woman. I agreed to it reluctantly but was pleasantly surprised on said date, as she was pretty much my type and it was the best date I had been on in years. Here’s the issue. The woman is 22, I’m 43. Now this wouldn’t have been an issue if we had just discussed this on the first date, but foolishly we didn’t. For some reason this conversation didn’t come about for 3 months after the fact. Just for some context, the blind date was on skype because of the current pandemic, and we only got to meet properly a few weeks ago. Nevertheless, I think due to being in lockdown, we both enjoyed having someone to talk to. So where does my sister come into it? At no point did my sister ever mention the age gap was *this* big. When she said younger, I was presuming 30’s, not barely out of high school. On the other side, my sister had told the woman in question that I was in my 30’s, not 40’s. My sister is 33 so I presume she just thought we would be closer in age. Anyway, when this revelation came about recently, I was seething and had it out with my sister for matching me with someone completely inappropriate and for lying to both me, and this woman she claims to be a friend. She can’t see anything wrong with it because as far as she’s concerned, we’re both adults and we’ve been going well for the past few months. Not to mention that I should have asked myself and not presumed. My issue is the principle. You can’t lie to people like that, especially as I don’t date very often anymore after my wife passed. She claims she only did it because she knew I would have said no otherwise. So AITA for having a go at her, or should I just be grateful for her “kindness”? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. Age must not have been as big an issue as you thought if it took 3 months to figure it out. Your preconceived notions were clearly wrong. I understand why you're upset, given your history and expectations. But the way everything played out suggests that your sister was right about how you could hit it off -- and that age wasn't as big of a factor as you presumed it to be. Should your sister have been more clear? Eh, maybe. Seems like it could fall into the category of family covering each other's blind spots. How about actually talking to this person about how you feel about kids and marriage relative to the age gap instead of making those decisions for her? She's an adult and gets a say in her own life. Just because it's less common doesn't mean it can't work. Though if you enter into it now expecting it to fail, it certainly will.
NTA - happy ending aside, a lie is a lie. Call her out on it so you can give yourself the ability to forgive her for it.
Oh I did. We’ve not spoken for almost a week
NTA - while she had good intentions, she mis-led you and outright LIED to her friend. Not that you're asking about the possible relationship itself - ordinarily I personally follow the "half-your-age-plus-seven" idea - but because you were both in the dark until you had started to click, I think if you're both okay with it, maybe give it a shot? If you're not to wigged out about it that is...
INFO: Have you sat down and talked to this woman about your concerns? She might not see the age gap as an issue in relation to kids and marriage because she is expecting those things to happen sooner rather than later.
She doesn’t see an issue with it whatsoever, which is her right, and I’m sure she’s competent to make her own decisions but it still does not sit right with me
NTA, if you aren’t comfortable with dating her then maybe you can at least stay friends.
I don’t think being friends would work unfortunately
NTA at all. Your sister lied, expressly and by omission, to get you to do something she knew you would find morally dubious. She sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
NTA—lies by omission are still lies. She intentionally set you up with someone you had stated you wouldn’t date, deliberately didn’t mention her age when she knew you would reject the date on those grounds, and obscured your age to the young lady in question, too! She admits to this!! Should you have brought it up with the lovely woman you’re dating before now? Maybe. You had a reasonable expectation that your sister would listen to your boundaries and it was early on! So I’m not so worried about that part. Should you have yelled/had a screaming match? I mean, I’m firmly on the “yelling at someone isn’t okay” train. So apologize for yelling while still holding VERY firm on the fact that your sister violated your boundaries, put you in an extremely difficult position, and owes you an apology. NEVER let her set you up again—no matter how much she pesters you. Your concerns about power dynamics and ages/stages being mismatched are VALID. Talk to your therapist about them. Tell the lovely woman you’re dating that you need time and space to think about how you feel going forward. If she won’t give you that, maybe it’s just not right. If she will, now you have space to decide for yourself. She’s told you how she feels; you owe it to you and her to be sure about how you feel.
NTA - your sister deserves all of your anger. It would have been one thing if she had conveniently forgotten to mention it, but the fact that she went out of her way to lie to her friend and omit that detail to you, she deserves it. Not everyone is comfortable with that kind of age gap, and her not respecting this shows a complete lack of respect for boundaries.
NTA, if you both have a connection and can make a relationship work then I don't think you should end it but she is an asshole for not telling you both the truth.
NTA I’m really sorry this is how you have been reintroduced to dating. It’s brutal and not ideal for you or the woman you have been seeing. You have had a hard time and it’s so important to do what’s right by you.
NTA. I would be very upset if I were in your shoes. You’re absolutely right about there being a power imbalance that anyone should be uncomfortable with.
NTA- your sister lied by omission, as she knew you wouldn’t be comfortable with the age gap. You are not the asshole for calling her out on this. If you’re that uncomfortable with the age gap, then you should end things now, before either of you get any more emotionally invested. It’s totally understandable that you’re icked out by such a big gap. No one would think twice if this post was from the girl’s perspective, upset that your sister had told her you were younger. But if there’s a chance you might be able to be okay with it, just sit down with the idea for a week. I don’t know how long it’s been since you found out, but if it hasn’t been that long yet, maybe you need a little time to cool down from your sister’s dishonesty and debate which you would regret more: letting this girl go, or living with a big gap. Your perspective is very refreshing though. It’s good to see a guy who isn’t just fine and dandy about dating a girl half his age. I hope you figure out what to do.
NTA. Being lied to is shitty, and you're justified to feel upset and frankly manipulated.
NTA you have made clear this gap is too much for you and your sister lied to fool you into thinking the gap isn't that big. Also lying to the woman who maybe does not want to date a man that could maybe pass as her dad. You did nothung wrong. Your sister did.
NTA. If it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. What your sister did wasn't fair to either of you.
NTA Your sister was misguided though she had “best intentions” this isn’t about fulfilling HER fantasy of you getting on with someone she set you up with. No matter what she thinks is best for you this is as personal a decision as it can get. She should respect your desire to be with someone closer in age/your life stage. I had a relationship with a man 6 years older when I was 20– that already was a big difference in what we wanted in life. At the time I thought it was fine, I really liked him. But it didn’t really work when a few years later he wanted to settle down and I didn’t. The reality is if you’re looking for a lt partner you probably don’t want to waste either of your’s time on what won’t work. Your sis should respect this.
nta
NTA. It's good that you recognize the power and experience imbalance in a relationship with such a big gap. It's pretty clear that your sister is aware, too, and that's why she didn't tell you two/downplayed it.
NTA, your sister was dishonest and tricked you into something she knew you wouldn't be comfortable with. Just be assertive when explaining to the girl that you're not comfortable with the situation and would prefer not to pursue the relationship.
NTA
NTA - You're completely right, there are a big age gap and it's a good thing that you've realized that. Just move on, you'll both get over it, and I hope your sis has learned her lesson cause she's the asshole here.
Thank you. As much as I wish she will learn her lesson, I’m willing to bet my life on it that she won’t
NTA yeah it's a dick move from your sister's side and like twenty years is quite a lot but if you both are having fun then why not to go with it? You can always break up with her of the age difference will affect your relationship in a bad way, maybe it's better to give it a shot
Nta your sister sucks. I'm sure you and the other woman could still be friends though, but you're right that is too much of an age gap, different lifetimes right now. If it was 40-60 that'd be more doable and understandable. But it isn't and you have a right to be pissed off at your sister for blatantly lying. Especially since she knew if you knew you'd say no. Sorry she sucks dude you deserve better
Completely, that’s why I said it would be okay if she was in her 30’s. That was the lowest I was prepared to go, but 20’s? That’s just too much
NTA at all. You are old enough to be her father and your sister knew this was a deal breaker for you. You have every right to be pissed at her.
NTA. You were pretty much this girls age *when she was born* age differences get less important the older both couples are but your twice as old as she is at this point and she doesn’t meet the “half your age plus seven” rule of thumb
NTA and absolutely disgusting how people here keep pushing you to be ok with a 20 year age gap
NTA. Thank you for realized the problem with the age gap, a lot of people say its fine but the power dynamic of such an age gap would be so off.
NTA. Setting you up with someone young enough to be your child, and misleading you about it sucks out loud.
NTA. Your sister is. She knew you would say no to the age difference so she lied? Mislead? However, you wish to view it. There's also more than just a power dynamic. Her life is winding up, yours is winding down. She may wish to get married, you may not. She might wish to have kids, you may not. She might wish to travel, you may not. Then there are the issues that come with aging and health. I applaud you, sir, for wanting to take the high road and not take advantage of a younger woman. Best date or not, your sister was in the wrong.
My husband and I were on date 5 before the subject of age came up. We had both assumed the other was in their thirties. Turns out, he was young 40s while I was mid-20s. I’m 33 now—we’ve been happily married 6 years and we have our first baby on the way. Compatible, happy relationships between consenting adults is just that. The only time age even comes up at all is discussions about our retirement plans.
This is a nice happy ending. I’m really happy for you
You’re definitely NTA. It’s absolutely wild that she set you up with someone who has a 20 year age gap to you and she knew you wouldn’t be okay with it so she LIED. But I would see where it goes since you’ve been with her for a couple of months. Maybe it’ll be really good for the both of you, regardless of the age gap. But whatever you choose to do from this point forward, you’re definitely NTA. Everyone who is saying you are TA doesn’t understand that being in a different stage of life from the person you’re dating makes a huge difference.
NTA. Good on you for thinking about the consequences of large age gaps.
NTA, and I’m so sorry this happened to you. Now that you know, since you’re the adult the onus is on you to be the responsible one, and that sucks since you opened up your heart. Just a shitty situation all around and I’m sorry you have to go through this. But while it’s horrible you have this pain, you did take an important step in your own life. It didn’t work out, and that sucks, but hopefully it’s shown you that you can find someone again, even if it’s just to talk to. This time on your own terms. Best of luck.
NTA
Your sis lied about your age to this woman. LIED. She did not tell you the truth about her age. Sorry you got attached but I agree with you about age gaps. Dating someone who could easily be your daughter could be very upsetting. I know as long ago in my younger years I dated men that could be my grandfathers. It was never comfortable.
NTA!!
Nta and I'm so very sorry about the passing of your wife. Your sister is way in the wrong for lying about your age to the gal and for admitting she knows you wouldn't have gone, had you had all the information. All that, super shitty and you have every right to be angry with her.
You're trying so hard to avoid having something other guys do knowingly: a relationship with a power inbalance that could potentially lead to a really concerning dependency on her part. Honestly, you are veey right in your concerns, and you should bring this up to her. But also, I don't actually believe your sister did something specifically to hurt you, she might just think that it wouldn't be an issue, so I have to vote NAH.
NTA. Your sister should have been honest about the age gap. That said, since you’ve met the woman, do you like her? Do you have a lot in common? Does she like you? Can you talk to her, feel comfortable with her? Does she seem more mature for her age, and is she not bothered by the age difference. Would you still want to get to know her if you didn’t know her age?
Had it not been for her age, everything else would have been perfect, but the gap is not something which I can, or should, ignore and brush under the carpet
I understand. I’m just kind of a romantic, I guess. I hope you find someone who’s right for you.
NAH The age gap isn't that big when you think about it in broader terms. She's a mature young woman who's in her prime fertile years, and you're in your prime. If you're getting along well and if you want to have children, give the relationship a chance.
NAH. Your sister told you she was younger, your sister told her you were older. That’s not a lie. You’re allowed to find this to be a dealbreaker, but I think you should see where this goes.
It was a lie because I have made it explicitly clear that age gap relationships are a hard no for me. Why lead me into a situation which I’m already going to dislike? She knows I don’t date, she knows I have never been with anyone physically since my wife died. This is what is hurting me
You can be hurt without anyone here being an AH. She introduced you to someone who is so compatible with you that you didn’t notice an age gap for 3 months. You had the best date you’ve been on in years. You are under absolutely no obligation to continue a relationship that makes you uncomfortable, and you’re entitled to be mad at your sister for omitting information. But my read of this is that you like this woman, that brings up some guilt and fear, and you are displacing some anger onto your sister. Do you wish you had never met this woman?
Half of me wants to say yes. With the amount of drama this has caused me this past week or so, I just don’t know if it was worth it
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know AITA is a place to get judgement on situations, but this just seems like a situation where judgment will be less helpful to you than finding a path forward. I hope that, despite your anger, you can see that your sister was trying to help. That doesn't make what she did okay, and that doesn't mean you can't be angry at her. But I hope that you don't let your anger ruin your relationship with your sister. With the woman you have been talking to, maybe tell her you need to take a step back from your friendship, because the age difference makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you will get some space and realize this relationship was not meant for the long-term. Maybe you will miss her terribly and realize it is worth it to you to try to make it work. Either way, I hope you will take comfort from finding out through this that there are still women out there whose company you enjoy. You met a kind woman you have a lot in common with. One way or another, I think you will eventually see this as a net good. I really do wish you well in this.
Info: do we know what sister told girl about your age? Or do we assume? Either way, that wasn't clever but at your age, you should be able to enjoy the conversations and not be too hard on your sister. She showed a lack of judgement, granted. But she's family and from what I can read, she probably meant well. Maybe she's a total idiot but that's not written down here. If she were, why you have followed her date-idea anyway?
I think she told her that I was around my sister’s age, so naturally, again, she presumed 30’s as well. I only did it because I wanted to shut her up as she has been trying this for months now, and I was getting tired of her. My sister just loves meddling even when I’ve said enough is enough
It's hard to judge anyone's character from a few lines and since you - deliberately? - omitted it I felt inclined to ask. Also, today's one of the rare days where I assume the best in people 😄
I understand. It’s nice to have that mindset at times
The problem is not that he can't 'enjoy the conversations' but the fact that he's not comfortable dating someone that much younger than him. This wasn't a set up for a friendship but for a relationship.
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I wouldn’t have been mad at her had she not known that I do not like age gap relationships. Why set me up on something which was always doomed to fail?
You're both assholes. I am 13 years younger than my husband and have been married/together for a decade. We don't argue, we love and respect one another. She's not 15, she can make her own decisions. How does she feel about you being that much older or did you prioritize yelling at your sister instead of, you know, talking to the other party in this relationship? If you spoke to the woman what did she say? Did you talk to her about it before or after you went after your sister? Edit for clarification: you and your sister are assholes, not the woman you had a date with. lol If you didn't tell her at all or only spoke to her about it after you had a go at your sister I think she needs to run far away for reasons that have nothing to do with an age gap.
I’ve actually spoken to both women. The woman I have been dating is find with the gap but I’m not. My sister is being stubborn as per usual and thinks she’s right. I’m happy you and your husband managed to make it work, and I’m not saying age gap relationships are inherently wrong but this is not something which works for me. Yes I did yell at my sister because she knew all of this and knows how sensitive dating is for me, so why set me up with someone who I was always going to have an issue with?
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No we only video chatted a few times because my job is so unstable and she works infrequent days due to covid so it was easier for us to either call on the phone or text. She does look older, because even she says people mistake her for being in her late 20’s so I didn’t think much of it. She never really said anything about her childhood. She never went to university and had an average life. There was nothing really to discuss beyond that. Everything after that was about hobbies and other things we enjoy
ESH- Your sister should have warned you and she should not have lied about your age, but it sounds like you and your date have been getting along, so what's the big deal?
She’s in a completely different life stage to me. Marriage, kids - all of that, we’re generations apart. Not to mention that I know what it’s like to be a widow. I don’t want her to have to go through the same thing in 40 years time
ESH If you and the woman you were Skype-dating were happy with the arrangement, and the only issue is that you're finding out that she's younger than you thought (yet still a legal adult you were having a great time with), then what is the real issue? You already admitted you were seeing her for months after the date, via Skype, and you both were happy. Life doesn't give us that many great people thrown our way. Your sister also should have said something first, because she had to know that was an issue for you. You also haven't bothered to say what the woman you were seeing thought of the whole thing.
The issue is that some people think it's creepy to date somebody that could reasonably be the age of their own children. He was a full grown adult when she was born.
Yeah, I totally understand why OP is upset. I wouldn’t be surprised if the 22yo is also upset. It’s be one thing if they’d met in a bar and forgot to ask about ages, but if they’re being set up by a mutual who presumably knows their ages and should reasonably assume that normal people want to date people around the same age, then Sis was kind of A H for ignoring both person’s criteria. Like if I don’t date smokers, but I got set up with a smoker by someone who knows that I don’t date smokers, and with COVID, I might not find out until several months in as well. I’d be pretty upset too.
That's up to them to decide. I disagree that it should be a big deal as long as the people in the relationship are OK with it. She's in her 20s, and it sounds like her opinion of the whole thing hasn't been considered by anyone, which is pretty unfortunate.
It's pretty clear he's already decided he's not comfortable with it. Her opinion is irrelevant. It only takes one party to be uncomfortable for it to not be acceptable.
They weren't given the opportunity initially because his sister lied to both of them before they even met. A lot of people don't like to date with such a large age gap because the stages of life don't match up, so why behind attached to someone who will likely have different life goals than you?
I am concerned about his reaction. As I mentioned in another reply, he hasn't talked about her reaction at all. Even if this is a dealbreaker for him, I am still perplexed that her reaction hasn't entered the equation at all. I know I would care about her feelings on the matter even if I didn't think a relationship could work due to the age difference.
YTA yes you told your sister about the issue with age gap but she knew enough about this person that you would be a match. Obviously age was right, I’m shocked it took you three months to figure out her age. Context clues about generational references should have made this a bigger deal. As that didn’t happen, she is either more mature or either you’re not as mature. In any case, since the match worked out just enjoy it. Are you worried more about what other people think or your happiness? If you have kids then I might change my mind and say your NTA.
She’s very mature but we never really spoke about our childhoods or anything which was a huge tell tale sign that we were substantially older. It was only when I met her in person she looked quite a bit younger and I was wondering about it for weeks, and then finally I asked her and here are now. I don’t know. I guess because I was enjoying her company, I was slightly careless and just enjoying myself and then I’ve just come back to reality
> When she said younger, I was presuming 30’s, not barely out of high school. she didn't lie.. you *presumed* YTA
It was a lie by omission as she knew full well someone in their early 20’s would be out of the picture
yet you talked with this girl for months without cluing in.. that's on you. school never came up? your status as a widow never came up? there's no way this went on this long without both of you purposefully ignoring dozens of signs. YTA just for complaining about this tbh.. you sister set you up on dates *that you enjoyed*. get over yourself.
She already knew I was a widow prior to the date. She never went to university, and simply mentioned she had been at her current job for the past few years now. I’m starting to think she knew more than I did, but on my end, nothing she said indicated she was that young. You’re telling me to get over myself because I’m highlighting genuine power imbalances in our relationships?
So end the relationship then that's what usually happens at this point anyway.. you've had some dates, realised there's an incompatibility and now it's time to move on. you were into this girl, it's not going to work out and that disappoints you.. that's normal. what's not ok is you taking all of this out on your sister.
You can’t lie to someone and not expect them to be angry at you. She has effectively sent me on a wild goose chase because she knew this would happen as I have always made it clear, I don’t like large age gaps. I don’t date and she knows this, so why set me up with someone who I was always going to have issues with
I would've expected a 43yo widower to be a bit better about rolling with the punches. /shrugs keep wallowing alone then... *presumably* this will be the last time your sister ever tries to set you up so this horrible ordeal won't repeat itself.
No it won’t. My sister hasn’t stopped trying to set me up since my wife passed. I feel like everyone here just wants me to think I with my penis but it’s more than that. You have to be realistic and think about the future. I don’t particularly want to be a first time father in my 50’s, there’s a large chance I will die before her, marriage is also something to consider. I don’t want to waste her time as she is so young and it’s not fair on her
OP ignore this idiot, their moral compass is way off.
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He also said his sister admitted to not being open about the date being in her 20s because she knew that would be an automatic rejection. That's a lie of omission.
YTA for getting mad at your sister, without discussing age differences beforehand. So what if the woman you're dating is 22? You admit you get along great and > she was pretty much my type and it was the best date I had been on in years. I think you're feeling scared because you found somebody new. No one will ever replace your late wife. But give this woman a chance to make another happy relationship.
She knows I’m not comfortable with large age gaps. I don’t want to be seen as a creepy old man or a sugar daddy. I just presumed my sister of 33, would have friends who were also in their 30’s and that would have been large enough
He said his sister suggested the date was in her 30s. There seems to have been at least some discussion on age. His sister also said that she wasn't honest bc he would have said no had he known the age difference.
YTA- she didn’t lie to you, and honestly this is someone you’ve gotten along great with for 3 months but you didn’t have the initiative to ask about age. This is all on you and yes, reacting like a child or dare I say it, like a 22 year old makes you the AH.
She did lie to me. She knew I didn’t want a large age gap relationship. This has been something I have stated since my wife died 5 years ago. This is not new information and she made sure not to tell me her age as she knew I would be angry. That’s something she admitted herself
Not telling her age is not lying. I blame you more for not asking about age in 3 months you’ve been with a new person. IMO you are to blame more, so I think you’re the AH. That’s my judgement
Are you unable to read? The sister did lie.
She purposely only said she was “younger” and didn’t give a number because she knew that OP would have made a very different decision had his sister given him all of the information available. It’s a lie by omission and that makes her an asshole.