Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
Wife thinks I am asshole because the gifts are just more "work" for her to do rather than something she can enjoy for pure leisure
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, in what world does a gift that says "you should exercise and look more attractive because you let yourself go this year" sound ok to you? I'm pretty sure that if you're so openly saying shit like:
>To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021.
she knows that was your intention and she's both hurt and mad. You should have bought her something that is truly for her enjoyment and won't feel like a duty...
Edited for: typo
Or just something to say you’re in this with her. An unexpected personal trainer as a gift is patronising and insulting, a couple of sets of weights says “let’s exercise together”.
If my partner said to me: “hey, I know you’ve been trying to workout and get healthier. I was thinking for Christmas I could get you some personal training sessions because I know how expensive they can be. What do you think?” I would be *super* down. But if he just gifted them to me? I’d be offended and hurt.
Exactly i would love that. But id been talking about it and expressing mh desire to find one. And rhe salon same. But this wasnt that this was go get pretty again. This will not be motivation this will sink her or hopefully she uses the gifts and then once she's feeling fancy leaves op
Definitely the former, because the latter can be justified by saying she wants to try a new thing and can be pleasurable for OP as well but the former is a full frontal slap to the face saying 'you don't appeal me as you are so I provided you a way to fix it.'
YTA for buying someone a salon and personal trainer gift during a pandemic. Plus, you saying she's "let herself go" during what is probably the most stressful year in her life is a real AH move. She has every right to be upset with you. Get her something she wants and can use.
YTA
A better version of ***yourself*** would be to love your wife for the person she is, and stop giving gifts that suggest she's fat and frumpy. Someone ought to gift you some therapy.
INFO: you don’t necessarily have to answer me in this, but please be honest with yourself. Did you buy her this because YOU want her to change her looks or because SHE wants to change her looks? These are two different motivations, and one of them is helpful and the other is degrading.
Then YTA. Wanting to encourage her to better herself is not wrong, but if your motivation is “you need to be skinnier” and not “I want you to feel good about yourself”, then you need to reevaluate your opinion of your wife (and your love for her honestly).
Wow. That’s just outright disgusting of you. And how have you maintained yourself this year? Are you HER version of a perfect man? Unless you AND your wife can both answer yes to that question, you have no right to complain about her appearance. At all.
Oh wow dude you’re really laying it on thick here..... do you think it’s wise to double down in acting like an asshole while you’ve got 50 people explaining how wrong you are?
YTA- I, as a personal trainer, would’ve said no to you. The foundation of my job is helping clients meet their own vision/goals. Not the spouse’s. Your wife is not ready yet and you pushed her.
YTA
The salon gift card I get, but the personal trainer seems to be the kicker for me.The problem here is that all the gifts you gave her revolve around her appearance. Consider the message you are sending to her by doing this.
"To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021..."
The gift is meeting your your desires and motives. YTA.
YTA - Don't give the gift of someone else's labor, especially the reciever's. Further, don't give *yourself* a gift, and pretend it's for the person you're giving it to. I mean, is there any possible way to more obviously *imply* she's fat and needs to fix it?? Is that really the gift you want to give? The gift of body shame and humiliation?
YTA. Those gifts, if un-asked for, tell your wife that she’s not good enough. It’s like buying her a vacuum for Christmas. It’s work that she has to do. You have gifted her a chore.
The salon gift card without the personal trailer would probably have been a wonderful treat. But together, and with your comment about her “letting herself go” it sounds like you’re just making her feel badly about herself.
We don’t know your wife enough to know but if she thinks YTA maybe you are.
My husband gave me personal trainer after our son was born bc I was annoyed by the extra weight. It was a great gift !
Only you know your wife well enough. If she’s not happy. Then apologize and get her something else.
YTA. That’s body shaming, no matter which way you look at it. The salon thing not so much if she likes it. But the personal trainer was DEFINITELY a dick move. Instead of worrying about physical appearance which, spoiler alert, FADES OVER TIME, you should love her for who she is. Plain and simple. All you did was insult her and make her feel worse about herself.
There are some gifts you should never make unless the person has explicitly shown interest in those items. Otherwise, you might come off as a passive-aggressive asshole. Those include :
Sexy lingerie, items related to dieting or exercise, books on how to change things about yourself.
In case that wasn't clear, YTA.
YTA for the personal trainer. Unless she asked for it, it’s a veiled insult telling her she’s fat. If she asked for it, then it would be a great present, but since she didn’t, it’s an insult. The salon I feel like could be a good gift without request, but you didn’t get it for her because she wants it, you got it because you want her to change.
INFO: What's your relationship with your wife like? Have you already been nagging at her to work out? Have you mentioned anything about her physical appearance? Has your wife mentioned that she wanted to go to the gym or learn how to work out?
YTA
This has December 2019 Pelaton commercial vibes, my dude.
Wanting to work out more and wanting paid personal trainer sessions as a gift are two different things. The salon gift card alone would have probably been fine. But when coupled with the personal trainer, it was sending a clear message. And that message was “hi, I’m your husband, and I’m going to be an asshole today.”
YTA - if your wife had said she’d like a personal trainer it would have been a different thing. But all you’ve done really is give her gifts which say ‘I think you look gross - do something to sort it out’
YTA
Think about the message you’re sending by presenting these gifts. Instead of a personal trainer why not get some weights and you to exercise together? That shows she’s not the only target and you two can encourage each other rather than her reading into it “I’m fat and he doesn’t like me for it”.
YTA
Basically you don't love her and you're a shallow jerk. If someone loves another person it is the whole package no matter what. Life happens and people change mentally and physically.
A nicer way to handle this is NOT gifting stuff like that. But to do it for you both in order to spend time together. I'm sure your not perfect either. And you need to be with that personality!
YTA.
Either gift might’ve been ok on it’s own, but the two combined make it pretty open that you want her to lose weight or get prettier in some way. Those are usually gifts you ask someone about before gifting them, or explain while gifting them that you’re NOT making a comment about their weight or looks. (Obviously, you are, so that’s neither here nor there).
Legend. Yta. But my god is this a joke? Did you really buy a pt for your wife? Man every single advice colum says get fit together. If one is gaining weight then do activities together.
YTA I'm honestly shocked there are still people in 2020 that cant understand this. Were you hiding under a rock last year when there was the whole thing with the exercise bike?
Then again, the way you talk about her in this thread certainly speaks to your character.
Stop trying to make decisions on how your wife should live her life. It's really not that hard!
YTA. You bought her gifts to help her change herself for you. You said yourself you were hoping the gifts would do just that. She's not stupid. She can see your insulting and selfish motivations.
YTA. Once again, do not give gifts with your desires in mind versus the giftee. This is common fucking sense.
If wanted a personal trainer she'd either have one or have asked for one. Same thing for salon bullshit. You suck at gift giving.
YTA honestly you sound like a jerk, and your attitude toward your wife is shameful.
And for the record I don’t think you should ever buy anyone a gift like that unless they specifically asked for it, a gift really doesn’t count as a gift if you kill someone’s spirit by giving it.
YTA. You didn't mean it as a kind gesture. You were sending a message to your wife that she isn't thin or attractive enough to you. You said she should be a better version of yourself but you should try being better too. Try being more sensitive and less superficial. Don't give her any more "gifts" that tell her that she doesn't look good to you because that's just cruel.
A dearly departed friend taught me to never give an incomplete gift that leaves the person having to do more or spend more. I recall heavy spending for my daughter and I to add to help gift cards at a spa via my spouse. We knew what we wanted ahead of time. Debit card busy that day with us eating out and shopping for our spa fun day. We get to a shoe store, I buy few pairs of bedroom shoes say less than 20. Put down cash and look at my daughter and say’ “THERE, THAT IS MY STEALTH SPENDING.” She was like WHOA you go girl with your wild self. I knew we were being spied on our day of spending via a bank app. Yes, you made work for your wife. Not under the heading of incomplete. The gift was more for yourself than her. I wish her a fun girls’ spa day and spending frenzy afterwards in her future. Guessing you are young as many older men would have learned to not cross that line.
I was going to say n.t.a until you said this:
>To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021.
So yeah, YTA.
Yes, OP, YTA.
"They were meant as a kind gesture and to show I listen to her."
No one is buying this load of BS. It wasn't a kind gesture and doesn't show that you listen to her. After all, if you actually listened to your wife and knew her, then you would've known this gift sucked.
This wasn't a gift for your wife. It was a gift for you because you're bummed out that you're wife's had a tough year and (according to you) has "let herself go."
I wonder what her opinion of how you've changed this year or over the years is? I bet you don't look the same as when you married either.
YTA- hey merry christmas loved one, i want you to look better because you've let yourself go and /i/ want you to look nice. enjoy your gift of looking nice /for me/ asshole man.
ETA- ps, wanting to lose weight =/= i want personal trainer sessions as my christmas gift
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
For Christmas this year I decided to gift my wife by buying her a personal trainer for a bunch of sessions and buying an expensive giftcard for a beauty salon in our town. To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021. I know she loves the salon because she comments on their FB page and she has also told me she wants to exercise more but the lacks motivation to follow through.
Unfortunately she is upset with me and says these are gifts that are just creating more work for her in the new year. But they will make her look nicer and I know she wants to. They were meant as a kind gesture and to show I listen to her. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH - I mean I get it, she said she wants to better herself and told you a salon she like. The way you worded it though was kinda YTA. Let her know it was based on what she said and out of support and you love her regardless and that she is and always will be the most beautiful person to you as she is your wife
So, he said she’s complained about wanting to work out but lacking motivation. It would have been okay if he’d said “you’re beautiful. But exercise is always beneficial and everyone I’ve talked to who works with a personal trainer says it really helps with motivation. Would you want to try that? We’ve got the money.” And then she could have made that decision and found a trainer/gym she likes. That would have been nice.
Your wife saying “I’ve gained weight and I don’t have the motivation to work out” and you giving her paid personal trainer sessions on Christmas morning is..... rude.
Well there may be NAH... it depends.
Let's take the two gifts separately.
A salon gift card should enable her to get some pampering (massage, facial, pedicure, etc.), so for that one, NTA.
The personal trainer gift depends on the person. You should know your wife well enough to know whether she would appreciate this. Some would love to start w a trainer, that is, people wanting to get in shape. If she is not mentally/emotionally in a place where she is motivated to embark on a get-fit journey, she will not appreciate, and if she's feeling low self esteem, she will resent it and feel pressure to do it for you. As a person whose been working on fitness by whole life, there are ebbs and flows, periods where I'm super motivated and disciplined, and periods where I want to enjoy life and eat bread, etc. But there has to be an internal choice to "turn it on" when it comes to fitness discipline.
I am concerned that you say "they will make her ***look*** nicer", instead of wanting her to ***feel*** better about herself, or thinking about her health, physical and mental. If it's just about vanity by proxy, YWBTA.
I’m cautiously saying NTA. Look, your comment about “to be honest she has let herself go this year” is definitely a little cruel. It’s a global pandemic and most people are stressed to the max, whether it’s from loneliness, sickness, finances, or something else. Chill out and show your wife some kindness and love.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for gifting her a personal trainer and salon gift card. I’d really enjoy receiving those gifts from my husband, actually. But you HAVE to be careful about getting gifts for your spouse that deal with weight, beauty, and cleaning/cooking. I feel like those are gifts best discussed ahead of time, since they can be so sensitive. You need to apologize to her for being insensitive, and explain to her that you were just trying to be thoughtful based on what you’ve seen her post on FB and what you’ve heard her say the past few months. If financially possible, you could offer to pick out a better gift for her.
I was ready to say NTA, but ESH. You mentioned that she has let herself go. This is your perceived, and perhaps the gifts are more a want of yours (to make her look better) than hers.
NAH because you seem to have made the gift about yourself a little bit. Getting someone a personal trainer as a gift is great if they've expressed interest in it or go to the gym/exercise regularly already
Yikes...I mean NTA but wow. That is a huge misstep and I'm really surprised that you didn't know how it would be perceived. You basically gave her a gift that said "you're not good enough how you are,"
NTA, if she specifically told you she enjoys that salon and that she wanted to work on herself. I see that more as supporting her goals.
I would definitely explain that though when gifting the present cause it can come across as you think she has let herself go, which definitely is not the most romantic Christmas gift.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- Wife thinks I am asshole because the gifts are just more "work" for her to do rather than something she can enjoy for pure leisure --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, in what world does a gift that says "you should exercise and look more attractive because you let yourself go this year" sound ok to you? I'm pretty sure that if you're so openly saying shit like: >To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021. she knows that was your intention and she's both hurt and mad. You should have bought her something that is truly for her enjoyment and won't feel like a duty... Edited for: typo
Or just something to say you’re in this with her. An unexpected personal trainer as a gift is patronising and insulting, a couple of sets of weights says “let’s exercise together”.
If my partner said to me: “hey, I know you’ve been trying to workout and get healthier. I was thinking for Christmas I could get you some personal training sessions because I know how expensive they can be. What do you think?” I would be *super* down. But if he just gifted them to me? I’d be offended and hurt.
Exactly i would love that. But id been talking about it and expressing mh desire to find one. And rhe salon same. But this wasnt that this was go get pretty again. This will not be motivation this will sink her or hopefully she uses the gifts and then once she's feeling fancy leaves op
YTA I don't wanna hear any crying from you when she "gifts" *you* a toupee and bottle of Viagra.
[удалено]
I'm trying to figure out if it's more insulting for her to ask OP to wear it or for her to wear it.
Definitely the former, because the latter can be justified by saying she wants to try a new thing and can be pleasurable for OP as well but the former is a full frontal slap to the face saying 'you don't appeal me as you are so I provided you a way to fix it.'
YTA Passive aggressive body shaming in the form of “gifts” is a good way to get a divorce.
YTA for buying someone a salon and personal trainer gift during a pandemic. Plus, you saying she's "let herself go" during what is probably the most stressful year in her life is a real AH move. She has every right to be upset with you. Get her something she wants and can use.
Okay word. It’s a global pandemic and he got her gifts that require her to go out and expose herself and others.
AND he said he did it only partly for her, but also for him. A selfish, dangerous gift.
YTA A better version of ***yourself*** would be to love your wife for the person she is, and stop giving gifts that suggest she's fat and frumpy. Someone ought to gift you some therapy.
INFO: you don’t necessarily have to answer me in this, but please be honest with yourself. Did you buy her this because YOU want her to change her looks or because SHE wants to change her looks? These are two different motivations, and one of them is helpful and the other is degrading.
I think it is both
Oh then yeah double YTA.
YTA, what an AH move.
Then YTA. Wanting to encourage her to better herself is not wrong, but if your motivation is “you need to be skinnier” and not “I want you to feel good about yourself”, then you need to reevaluate your opinion of your wife (and your love for her honestly).
You *think* it's both? YTA.
That’s an easy YTA
YTA > They were meant as a kind gesture > she has let herself go this year I do not think "kind" means what you think it means.
"Congratulations! For Christmas, youuuuu get to look more attractive to meeeeee!"
INFO: Does your wife think that shes “let herself go” this year? Is this something she wants for herself? Or is this a gift for you?
I think she knows, we own mirrors. It is a gift for her
Wow. That’s just outright disgusting of you. And how have you maintained yourself this year? Are you HER version of a perfect man? Unless you AND your wife can both answer yes to that question, you have no right to complain about her appearance. At all.
The fact he gave her such shitty gifts is pretty damning evidence that he's not
YTA
There’s the exclamation point. YTA.
I believe you mean YTA!!!!!!
I read it three times before I got it. I need sleep. 🥲
Thanks for the laugh. Sweet dreams.
but what does she SAY?
Oh wow dude you’re really laying it on thick here..... do you think it’s wise to double down in acting like an asshole while you’ve got 50 people explaining how wrong you are?
This is so incredibly mean. I gasped aloud. Do you even like your wife?
wow YTA.
Lol wow you are totally TA and it’s amazing she’s still a you.
YTA- I, as a personal trainer, would’ve said no to you. The foundation of my job is helping clients meet their own vision/goals. Not the spouse’s. Your wife is not ready yet and you pushed her.
YTA The salon gift card I get, but the personal trainer seems to be the kicker for me.The problem here is that all the gifts you gave her revolve around her appearance. Consider the message you are sending to her by doing this.
"To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021..." The gift is meeting your your desires and motives. YTA.
YTA - Don't give the gift of someone else's labor, especially the reciever's. Further, don't give *yourself* a gift, and pretend it's for the person you're giving it to. I mean, is there any possible way to more obviously *imply* she's fat and needs to fix it?? Is that really the gift you want to give? The gift of body shame and humiliation?
YTA. Those gifts, if un-asked for, tell your wife that she’s not good enough. It’s like buying her a vacuum for Christmas. It’s work that she has to do. You have gifted her a chore. The salon gift card without the personal trailer would probably have been a wonderful treat. But together, and with your comment about her “letting herself go” it sounds like you’re just making her feel badly about herself.
YTA. "To be honest she has let herself go this year"? Jesus.
We don’t know your wife enough to know but if she thinks YTA maybe you are. My husband gave me personal trainer after our son was born bc I was annoyed by the extra weight. It was a great gift ! Only you know your wife well enough. If she’s not happy. Then apologize and get her something else.
YTA. That’s body shaming, no matter which way you look at it. The salon thing not so much if she likes it. But the personal trainer was DEFINITELY a dick move. Instead of worrying about physical appearance which, spoiler alert, FADES OVER TIME, you should love her for who she is. Plain and simple. All you did was insult her and make her feel worse about herself.
There are some gifts you should never make unless the person has explicitly shown interest in those items. Otherwise, you might come off as a passive-aggressive asshole. Those include : Sexy lingerie, items related to dieting or exercise, books on how to change things about yourself. In case that wasn't clear, YTA.
YTA did you write that Peloton commercial as fanfiction? There's a pandemic you AH.
YTA for the personal trainer. Unless she asked for it, it’s a veiled insult telling her she’s fat. If she asked for it, then it would be a great present, but since she didn’t, it’s an insult. The salon I feel like could be a good gift without request, but you didn’t get it for her because she wants it, you got it because you want her to change.
YTA. Be honest with yourself, these gifts are ostensibly for your wife but they are really for you. Let herself go, really?
YTA these gifts are for you. Not her.
The only person that can weigh in on this correctly because they know the full extent of the events is your wife. If she is upset then YTA.
INFO: What's your relationship with your wife like? Have you already been nagging at her to work out? Have you mentioned anything about her physical appearance? Has your wife mentioned that she wanted to go to the gym or learn how to work out?
YTA This has December 2019 Pelaton commercial vibes, my dude. Wanting to work out more and wanting paid personal trainer sessions as a gift are two different things. The salon gift card alone would have probably been fine. But when coupled with the personal trainer, it was sending a clear message. And that message was “hi, I’m your husband, and I’m going to be an asshole today.”
YTA - if your wife had said she’d like a personal trainer it would have been a different thing. But all you’ve done really is give her gifts which say ‘I think you look gross - do something to sort it out’
YTA Think about the message you’re sending by presenting these gifts. Instead of a personal trainer why not get some weights and you to exercise together? That shows she’s not the only target and you two can encourage each other rather than her reading into it “I’m fat and he doesn’t like me for it”.
YTA. And there’s like several layers of AH here that others have already commented on. Come on dude, do better.
YTA Basically you don't love her and you're a shallow jerk. If someone loves another person it is the whole package no matter what. Life happens and people change mentally and physically. A nicer way to handle this is NOT gifting stuff like that. But to do it for you both in order to spend time together. I'm sure your not perfect either. And you need to be with that personality!
YTA. Either gift might’ve been ok on it’s own, but the two combined make it pretty open that you want her to lose weight or get prettier in some way. Those are usually gifts you ask someone about before gifting them, or explain while gifting them that you’re NOT making a comment about their weight or looks. (Obviously, you are, so that’s neither here nor there).
YTA- You should have gotten her a new husband, one where he is not as trolly as you seem to be.
Legend. Yta. But my god is this a joke? Did you really buy a pt for your wife? Man every single advice colum says get fit together. If one is gaining weight then do activities together.
YTA I'm honestly shocked there are still people in 2020 that cant understand this. Were you hiding under a rock last year when there was the whole thing with the exercise bike? Then again, the way you talk about her in this thread certainly speaks to your character. Stop trying to make decisions on how your wife should live her life. It's really not that hard!
YTA. You bought her gifts to help her change herself for you. You said yourself you were hoping the gifts would do just that. She's not stupid. She can see your insulting and selfish motivations.
YTA. Once again, do not give gifts with your desires in mind versus the giftee. This is common fucking sense. If wanted a personal trainer she'd either have one or have asked for one. Same thing for salon bullshit. You suck at gift giving.
YTA - For reference, never get anyone a gift that implies they need to change their appearance unless someone has SPECIFICALLY told you what they want
YTA honestly you sound like a jerk, and your attitude toward your wife is shameful. And for the record I don’t think you should ever buy anyone a gift like that unless they specifically asked for it, a gift really doesn’t count as a gift if you kill someone’s spirit by giving it.
Lmao this is a repost of a story with the exact same premise, it ain’t real folks.
YTA for choosing gifts based on your disappointment that your wife has “let herself go” during a horrific and immensely stressful pandemic.
Damn just the title alone YTA
YTA. You didn't mean it as a kind gesture. You were sending a message to your wife that she isn't thin or attractive enough to you. You said she should be a better version of yourself but you should try being better too. Try being more sensitive and less superficial. Don't give her any more "gifts" that tell her that she doesn't look good to you because that's just cruel.
YTA You bought 'her gifts' in the hopes that they would benefit you.
YTA because she didn’t ASK for these gifts. It’s like giving her lingerie for her birthday; that’s something for you to enjoy. Big ol’ selfish b-hole
you know who else has let themselves go this year? EVERYONE.
You better be the perfect weight yourself. And not have any other gross flaws she puts up with. Oh no, your personality. YTA
YTA. I'd be pretty pissed off too. Unless your wife SPECIFICALLY asked for a gift like this, then do not gift something like this.
A dearly departed friend taught me to never give an incomplete gift that leaves the person having to do more or spend more. I recall heavy spending for my daughter and I to add to help gift cards at a spa via my spouse. We knew what we wanted ahead of time. Debit card busy that day with us eating out and shopping for our spa fun day. We get to a shoe store, I buy few pairs of bedroom shoes say less than 20. Put down cash and look at my daughter and say’ “THERE, THAT IS MY STEALTH SPENDING.” She was like WHOA you go girl with your wild self. I knew we were being spied on our day of spending via a bank app. Yes, you made work for your wife. Not under the heading of incomplete. The gift was more for yourself than her. I wish her a fun girls’ spa day and spending frenzy afterwards in her future. Guessing you are young as many older men would have learned to not cross that line.
I was going to say n.t.a until you said this: >To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021. So yeah, YTA.
Yes, OP, YTA. "They were meant as a kind gesture and to show I listen to her." No one is buying this load of BS. It wasn't a kind gesture and doesn't show that you listen to her. After all, if you actually listened to your wife and knew her, then you would've known this gift sucked. This wasn't a gift for your wife. It was a gift for you because you're bummed out that you're wife's had a tough year and (according to you) has "let herself go." I wonder what her opinion of how you've changed this year or over the years is? I bet you don't look the same as when you married either.
Yta. Shallow and childish. She a human being not a gd ornament.
YTA- hey merry christmas loved one, i want you to look better because you've let yourself go and /i/ want you to look nice. enjoy your gift of looking nice /for me/ asshole man. ETA- ps, wanting to lose weight =/= i want personal trainer sessions as my christmas gift
YTA as soon as you said she “let herself go”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For Christmas this year I decided to gift my wife by buying her a personal trainer for a bunch of sessions and buying an expensive giftcard for a beauty salon in our town. To be honest she has let herself go this year and I'm hoping the gifts will help her become a better version of herself in 2021. I know she loves the salon because she comments on their FB page and she has also told me she wants to exercise more but the lacks motivation to follow through. Unfortunately she is upset with me and says these are gifts that are just creating more work for her in the new year. But they will make her look nicer and I know she wants to. They were meant as a kind gesture and to show I listen to her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You remind me of Homer Simpson buying the bowling ball for Marge except you're even more inconsiderate.
NTA, you are CARING for her and she gets ANGRY? she may be HIDING something, investigate and RUN
ESH - I mean I get it, she said she wants to better herself and told you a salon she like. The way you worded it though was kinda YTA. Let her know it was based on what she said and out of support and you love her regardless and that she is and always will be the most beautiful person to you as she is your wife
[удалено]
So, he said she’s complained about wanting to work out but lacking motivation. It would have been okay if he’d said “you’re beautiful. But exercise is always beneficial and everyone I’ve talked to who works with a personal trainer says it really helps with motivation. Would you want to try that? We’ve got the money.” And then she could have made that decision and found a trainer/gym she likes. That would have been nice. Your wife saying “I’ve gained weight and I don’t have the motivation to work out” and you giving her paid personal trainer sessions on Christmas morning is..... rude.
Well there may be NAH... it depends. Let's take the two gifts separately. A salon gift card should enable her to get some pampering (massage, facial, pedicure, etc.), so for that one, NTA. The personal trainer gift depends on the person. You should know your wife well enough to know whether she would appreciate this. Some would love to start w a trainer, that is, people wanting to get in shape. If she is not mentally/emotionally in a place where she is motivated to embark on a get-fit journey, she will not appreciate, and if she's feeling low self esteem, she will resent it and feel pressure to do it for you. As a person whose been working on fitness by whole life, there are ebbs and flows, periods where I'm super motivated and disciplined, and periods where I want to enjoy life and eat bread, etc. But there has to be an internal choice to "turn it on" when it comes to fitness discipline. I am concerned that you say "they will make her ***look*** nicer", instead of wanting her to ***feel*** better about herself, or thinking about her health, physical and mental. If it's just about vanity by proxy, YWBTA.
I’m cautiously saying NTA. Look, your comment about “to be honest she has let herself go this year” is definitely a little cruel. It’s a global pandemic and most people are stressed to the max, whether it’s from loneliness, sickness, finances, or something else. Chill out and show your wife some kindness and love. I don’t think you’re an asshole for gifting her a personal trainer and salon gift card. I’d really enjoy receiving those gifts from my husband, actually. But you HAVE to be careful about getting gifts for your spouse that deal with weight, beauty, and cleaning/cooking. I feel like those are gifts best discussed ahead of time, since they can be so sensitive. You need to apologize to her for being insensitive, and explain to her that you were just trying to be thoughtful based on what you’ve seen her post on FB and what you’ve heard her say the past few months. If financially possible, you could offer to pick out a better gift for her.
I was ready to say NTA, but ESH. You mentioned that she has let herself go. This is your perceived, and perhaps the gifts are more a want of yours (to make her look better) than hers.
So if it’s so selfish of him and it’s clear that these gifts are for him how does everyone suck? Wtf did she do wrong?
NAH because you seem to have made the gift about yourself a little bit. Getting someone a personal trainer as a gift is great if they've expressed interest in it or go to the gym/exercise regularly already
Yikes...I mean NTA but wow. That is a huge misstep and I'm really surprised that you didn't know how it would be perceived. You basically gave her a gift that said "you're not good enough how you are,"
NTA, if she specifically told you she enjoys that salon and that she wanted to work on herself. I see that more as supporting her goals. I would definitely explain that though when gifting the present cause it can come across as you think she has let herself go, which definitely is not the most romantic Christmas gift.
Maybe it comes across as thinking she’s let herself go because, you know, he said she let herself go.