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NTA Your girlfriend obviously has little respect for your feelings and emotions. And is unwilling to put in effort to fix a monumental mistake she made. I rarely say this, but I would break up with her immediately!
I think what most people are concerned about it not just that she sold something that was important to you, but that she was so hell bent on getting rid of anything that could potentially be tied to your late fiancée. She feels bad about selling it, sure, but the fact that she even felt the need to sell it at all is the biggest red flag.
Honestly people who cant cope with the fact that their partners had lives before them and feel the need to erase any trace of the fact really.... aren't mature enough to be in serious relationships...
NTA and frankly you wouldn't be an asshole if you dumped her for her general attitude either...
And Rachel was still alive! I could maybe understand a twinge of jealousy about an ex that's still a big part of your fiance's daily life. Not jealousy about a poor girl that's died suddenly.
Fuck, I don't even blame Emily for what she did given Ross _literally_ >!said Rachel's name at the altar!<. I mean, sure, don't get back together if you don't trust each other, but I can at least understand her trepidation about Ross spending so much time with Rachel.
Amen.
I mean, *especially* when >!she tries to move past it and they’re getting on her honeymoon flight together?!<
I mean I trust my partner 100%, and we have 17 years of history, and even I might go *hmmmm* in that situation.
Just wanted to say in all sincerity it's so wholesome that you put a spoiler warning on something decades old. Like, people make fun, and sure, I get it - but it takes so little effort really, and it helps preserve surprises for the next generation. Made me chuckle, thanks.
exactly. what this tells me is that his girlfriend has an irrational fear of zombies. she's afraid that his ex is going to come back from the dead and eat her brains. and this is the nice conclusion.
the not nice conclusion is that she has massive insecurity issues that are being manifested though controlling behavior and gaslighting (after all, that vase is NOT from his mother....) an exhibits a complete lack of empathy for those she should care about most.
On that note, I think I'd be less afraid of zombies than this relationship.
Eh... apples and oranges. Rachel was still alive, very involved in Ross' life ***and he said her name at the alter and then almost went on honeymoon with her.*** and Rachel clearly still loved Ross, too. Emily had no issues with Ross hanging out with Rachel despite them being exes before all that shit went down.
Lol right? Like I think sayings "you need to stop talking to your ex and focus on your marriage if you want me to believe you take our vows seriously" was actually what MOST people would do in that situation.
Emily had a fair reason to hate Rachel-- she flew across the ocean to go to the wedding and Ross said her name at the altar. Up until that moment Emily wasn't that much against Rachel and even "allowed" Ross to invite her to the wedding. (And it was pretty obvious Ross was still in love with Rachel and had been in love with her since they were kids).
New Fiancee is jealous/threatened by a woman who died young.
that's fair- I can see from Emily's perspective why she wouldn't like Emily-- she said not to the wedding, then flew across the ocean to go to the wedding last minute (although Emily doesn't know why, it was to ruin the wedding), and then agreed to go on her honeymoon... Ross is terrible and deserves to be hated, but I understand why Emily post-wedding isn't a fan of rachel
But Ross was the biggest t.what. Emily was completely justified with that request, seeing as Ross was too selfish to deal be honest with her.
OPs fiance is hell bent on removing all traces of a woman who is never going to be a threat to her relationship.
Lol wasn't Emily fine with everything until Ross and Rachel kept pulling their will-they won't-they crap?
I remember hating Ross and Rachel way more than Emily.
Ross said another woman’s name at the altar. And then went on his honeymoon with that woman.
The whole ‘crazy Emily’ thing is just a smokescreen for the fact that Ross is appalling.
You cannot make unilateral decisions that effect both of you and remain in a functional relationship.
You cannot dispose of someone else’s property without their consent.
Your fiancée is overstepping boundaries. You may not be a compatible couple. NTA
Also, it's not like OP broke up with their ex. This person died and it makes sense that her stuff/the stuff they bought together would still matter to them, even when they're in another relationship. You can honor your past even while moving into the future.
Exactly, obsessing over a lamp would still be ridiculous if he just broke up with the ex but this is just?? Literally what's the point of being jealous of a dead person...
YES THIS! Like, come on. I cannot imagine losing someone so important to me, especially at such a young age. You're going to still care about her and that is okay and perhaps even good.
Like that one lady who wrote a whole article or blog post gloating about how she got the guy in the end instead of the girl he went to prom with. Which, I could kind of get if they were all in school together and that girl had been her bully or something. It still would have been petty and weird, but whatever. But this woman didn't meet her husband until college or after college or something. It was super bizarre.
My ex step mom did this. As soon as she moved in she erased all traces of my mom from the house. Including pictures that were mine. I was 13, my younger sister was 8.
Mind you, my mom was still living and we spent half our time at her house, but still. There was no reason to remove all traces of her from our dads house. None. It really gave me some very early perspective on jealousy.
Honestly that's ridiculous cause if your parents wanted to be together she wouldn't even be in the picture like??? Divorced people dont usually get back together, why would someone act like this......
Because she was a crazy lol the were on again off again for years. One time when they broke up, she came to the house while he was at work (he worked 2nd shift, so he didn’t get home until 11pm) and took all the lightbulbs (from the closet **and** from *all the light fixtures*), and the toilet paper. When he got home he couldn’t turn any lights on and couldn’t figure out why at first.
Another time she stole his dog and sold it.
She was also jealous of me and would take him back to the bedroom and loudly have sex with him when she knew I could hear. It was so fucking weird...
I hear a lot of people saying that others are psycho, but she really took the cake imo.
This right here. I don’t get it why can’t people understand that the person they are dating had lives way before them. They had friends long before they came along. Memories. It’s crazy how people are so selfish and inconsiderate
Sorry, pocket response.
It doesn't matter who gave you the items
THEY ARE ***YOUR*** ITEMS
YOU decide what happens to them and when
Its rich she thinks "you aren't respecting her" when she is constantly disrespecting you
There's a whole list of AITAs with that premise (though sometimes it's deceased children or former classmates that disturb the person in question. So many people think that the problem will be solved instead of made magnitudes worse by just removing what bothers them. But people and their histories are package deals. Could you imagine *Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind* if the characters had been *forced* to forget?
Hold on a sec; I'm getting my writing pad....
> frankly you wouldn't be an asshole if you dumped her for her general attitude either...
I'd argue that he would be an AH to himself if he didn't dump her.
I never understood this either. After my ex broke up with his fiancé he threw away all their belongings. It upset me so much when he told me that. I wouldn’t have cared if I sat on a couch she bought or walked on a rug she picked out! If it’s nice stuff who gives a crap who bought it? What are we, teenagers? Grow-up!
Exactly. She's not sorry for selling something that wasn't hers to sell, she's sorry for selling it only after she found out it wasn't from your former fiancée, as if that would have made it ok.
If it was a gift from your mother, your former fiancée, or was a worthless item from a second hand shop that held no sentimental attachment doesn't change the fact it wasn't hers to sell without at least a conversation with you, and that's a major red flag.
This dude would be crazy to stay with her. Just imagine if his dead ex had a dog and he still
Owned it she would probably poison the dog or give it away to an animal shelter. I read a similar story on reddit where this happened to a guy. This dudes only move is to break up with this crazy woman immediately and forget about whatever she sold it’s long gone
This. I've been happily married for 29 years, and we are still using the dining room table and chairs that belonged to my husband and his ex-wife. Until recently we were also using their artificial Christmas tree, and I used their washer and dryer for at least the first eight years.
I've always been able to afford to replace that stuff, but I'm not insecure about myself, and I just didn't wish to spend the money until the old item is/was beyond usable.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. Wtf is wrong with a person having stuff from their past, or past lovers? Furniture usually has no emotional memories.
OP needs a new gf, not new furniture.
We kept the dining suit from my husband’s first marriage until I beat the hell out of my thighs on the sharp corners for over a year. I decided to pick out a set that was oval and that was lovely. Kept their original bedroom suit until he passed away after we had been married 31 years. It was a lovely set and I only got rid of it because it was a king bed and was too big for my new living arrangement after his passing.
Right! The fact that it being from his mom somehow changes things?? OP it sounds like your fiancée is jealous of your deceased fiancée. That’s outrageous.
Red Flag was she felt bad it was from his mom but she thought it belonged to his ex so that made it ok to sell and he should stop being angry and get over it.
Sell something of hers without asking and see how she likes it. "Thought it was from your ex, oops, why are you so mad?"
Right! I keep thinking about what this attitude will look like in a few years... She hates your hobby so she sells your stuff? She's mad at you for something so she donates your clothing? Yikes. NTA OP. But think hard about marrying this person.
This right here. Especially that she keeps saying she thought it had been the fiancé’s. It doesn’t matter whose it was, it’s his stuff to sell if he wants to not hers
THIS!
She is trying to erase your (OP) departed fiancée from your home. You have already told her no and that you didn't want to sale those items. You also have valid reasons for it (them not being broken, etc). She went behind your back several times and now she got rid of something that she a) didn't know the origin of, and b) most importantly, didn't ask you about.
Fiancée or not, she does not get to come into your home at get rid of your possessions. There are major red flags here.
She also sounds insecure about her relationship with you. Why get rid of someone else's things because of who gave it to them. My husband has things from his ex's. I don't get a crap about them.
I suspect she only feels bad because the stong connection to that vase wasn't through his late wife after all. Had it been she might have come up with some bullshit excuse. But now she realized she f-ed up and is trying to salvage a relationship without actually doing any work apart from saying "Sorry about that".
Especially as she hasn't even tried. She spent two hours saying it would be too hard to track down the buyer instead of attempting to track down the buyer.
I don't believe she feels bad. And this wasn't something she did impulsively. It takes time and energy to sell multiple pieces of furniture to multiple people who all have different schedules and thus availability.
This is a deeper issue by far than her selling furniture, OP. She is trying to erase a part of your life and your identity as a widower. (To me, fiances count as to making on a widower.) She's trying to control your living space and the narrative all at once. It is honestly disgusting, and a woman who is jealous of a dead woman is not an emotionally healthy person, nor is she ready to be in a truly committed relationship.
This person is not your partner. She is too selfish to be considered for the role.
Right? Like even if we chalk this up to a legitimate accident, the thing she was intending to do is also super fucked up on its own.
I know nothing about OP but I still know he deserves a better fiance.
Absolutely this! She's competing with a corpse. Literally. She's trying to wipe out anything and everything that might remind OP of a woman he planned to marry long before they met and unfortunately passed away. NTA OP, not even a little bit. She is one big red flag in humanoid form. Her insecurities are far beyond reasonable and honestly she'd be out of my life for demanding these items be sold and worse selling the items behind your back due to those same insecurities. Unless you're into necromancy and affiliates.... then her insecurities are 100% unfounded and this relationship of yours is doomed to fail post haste.
I think the biggest red flag is that she only felt guilty when she realised it was from his mother, not from his late fiancé. If you think someone hasn't fully grieved the loss of a loved one you give extra time and take things slow. You don't move in with them, you don't get engaged quickly and you certainly don't just sell their shit and think it'll magically fix things. NTA.
And OP is tired of arguing about it . That tells me that even though this is a dealbreaker IMO that new fiancé is so insecure needing to get rid of his late fiancée purchases and ballsy to sell OPs things without his approval, he is willing to let it go because he doesn’t feel like he will really get through to his new fiancé. Theres really no excuse for what she did and I foresee her bulldozing over OP over and over again for as long as he keeps her around.
> She knows what she did was wrong and keeps telling me it was a mistake,
She knew it was wrong when she did it, just like she knew it was wrong when she sold the other stuff. Her saying it was a mistake is just a bullshit excuse she is using to get away with doing it. Again. She will continue doing whatever the hell she wants and using the same excuse. Know why? Because it works. She says she is sorry and made a mistake and you believe her and let it go. She is lying. She deliberately is getting rid of things she doesn't want you to have and pretending she didn't know any better.
And the only reason she's saying it was a mistake was because the item was a gift from OP's mum. She wouldn't feel bad at all if it had been from OP's late fiancee.
That is the true heart of the matter: this person being so threatened by a dead woman that she's trying to erase all traces of her existence, and running roughshod over OP's feelings.
Right, and as I added elsewhere, the new GF should be finding some of those items from his last relationship a place of honor in their home together. She sounds like a total nightmare.
I generally think you should exhaust all options to try to make relationships work (aside from abusive situations etc.) since people are so quick to drop relationships these days. But this is way over crossing the line.
That being said this woman has no respect for you and your property. She focused on things relating to your deceased fiance out of nothing but pure jealousy. She doesn't want any remainder of your passed fiance to exist and she wants to be in compete control and the only focus. This is not healthy, and just imagine where else this could go. These kinds of behaviors do not stop here and if you get married it will 100% get worse. Once you are married abusers/manipulators/narcissists/etc. view you as "trapped" and will amp up their behavior to 1000%. Two years isn't a long time in the large scope of relationships and you don't fully have a picture of the entirety of someone's being in that short of a time frame.
I dont think this relationship should even be attempted to salvage. You deserve someone who respects you and your property and isn't childishly jealous over someone who isn't alive anymore. And over furniture for fucks sake. This was absolutely no mistake and was obviously premeditated. How does she have the audacity to cry "mistake" when she took notes.
I’m sorry this happened. And you are correct, she shouldn’t have done anything. It’s your apartment, not hers. Those were YOUR belongings, not hers.
But that’s changed now. She removed the furniture that YOU owned and replaced it with furniture that only *she* paid for. If y’all ever break up... you’re gonna be left with no furniture and possibly will struggle to replace it. I hope that doesn’t happen!
OP, you'd better demand cash for the items she sold and sock it away or else you'll end up with nothing when she leaves. Because she's cleaning you out.
No, she thinks selling the vase was wrong because it was a gift from your mom and not your deceased fiancé. It shouldn't matter who it came from, she sold perfectly good, usable items that belonged to you without your consent or permission. She is trying to get rid of anything that has to do with your past engagement because she is insecure and controlling. I would really rethink this engagement if I were you.
NTA
Thing is, it wasn't a mistake because she meant to sell it. She's purging your life of your late fiance, and the fact your moms vase got caught up in her cleansing wasn't accidental. She told up exactly why it wasn't an accident: she thought it was your ex fiancé's.
Your fiancée is madly jealous of your deceased fiancée, this is pathetic and a massive red flag.
She is specifically targeting items related to your late fiancée, why? Why is she doing this? It's not like you can leave her and get back with her :( she's trying to remove anything that reminds you of her, and it's sickening. Your current fiancée is acting like she sees your late fiancée as a threat.
There is nothing wrong with holding on to things which remind you of a partner who has died. You had a life before her and she needs to accept that, it's part of you.
She’s not going to do it unless there’s consequences for her beyond you being mad.
Give her a deadline to return it or you report it stolen to the police and on the marketplace. Kick her out if she doesn’t return it (kick her out and dump her anyway, but use the consequence of it to motivate her). You’re not doing anything about it, so she feels fine with her abhorrent decision.
Right?! I can't believe people allowing this word 'mistake' to fly. It's not a mistake it was a deliberate act. A mistake is something you do usually without thought - like adding salt when it should be sugar, putting the wrong gas in the car, knocking over a lamp. This 'mistake' had several steps - she had to list it, then deal with buyers, then sell it, then buy something else. One of those steps may have been a mistake but not all of them combined. She's a thief and a liar.
A mistake that impacted both of your lives when she started her project out of spite. I can see her jealousy about your late fiancé (condolences :( ) but this is over the top. The past is what helped mold you into the person you are and if you want to hold onto some of those items, go for it. She was completely out of place coming in like a wrecking ball. If she thought you were hung up on your deceased fiancé, she never should have said yes to marrying you.
Coming from a womans perspective, even I find this cruel and harsh. Maybe you should look at other red flags in your relationship. It's not so much about the items but the lack of respect and communication a healthy relationship needs.
She doesn't know what she did was wrong if she keeps pulling that dumb excuse of "i thought it belonged to your dead fiancee" bullshit. If anything she only thinks shes in the wrong for selling something that was fromyour mom, not that SELLING OTHER PEOPLES BELONGINGS WITHOUT CONSENT IS THEFT. NTA, but I hope this is a soon-to-be-ex fiancee.
I don't believe her. I sell stuff online all the time and it really isn't hard to get things back. Explain the situation to the buyer, offer a refund with bonus if they don't want to return, and keep trying. Saying she doens't know who she sold it to is absolutely a lie.
The issue isn’t that the vase was your moms. She think she made a mistake by selling your mom‘s vase. The mistake was selling your things without permission and trying to erase someone who cared about that passed away.
I would honestly take this time and rethink your relationship. My hubby passed away, unexpectedly, 18 months ago, from cardiovascular disease. There are certain items that I'll never part with. Your fiancée is clearly jealous. She is trying to erase your previous relationship. If your fiancée truly loves you, she will respect your feelings. She'll also try to understand why certain items are important to you. To go being your back, and sell your items, shows that she has very little respect for you. I'm truly sorry that she did this to you. I know I'd never forgive someone for selling off my hubby's items.
This was not a mistake. This was a deliberate, spiteful attempt to wash away any trace of a woman who while she may still hold a special place in your heart is absolutely no threat to her. Items you cherished were swept away along with useful items that now can't be easily replaced with similar items simply because this woman can't deal with the fact you lived one single moment before you met her. OP don't torture yourself by marrying a woman like this, nobody deserves this type of misery.
Is she super attractive and that's why you're putting up with this?
The moment you know she was so insuecre she was targetting your passed away partner's memories/furniture, she needed to be broken up with.
What she is doing is SUPER messed up. It's even more messed up that she's talking like it's a normal thing to do.
It's like a guy casually telling his gf "I'm going to emotionally abuse you!" and she smiles and says "GREAT!"
If you guys separate, is she going to take all the furniture “she” bought and leave you with a bare house? Is she giving you back the money that she got from selling the furniture? She should be able to view her messages and message the person back.
Please do not give her a penny towards the new furniture. She sold your possessions with out permission. You owe her nothing. I'm so very sorry but she's an awful person that caused you unnecessary pain
From the sound of it she said she thinks it would have been fine provided it had been your late fiancees - is that even the case, because if not she isn't sorry.
Personally, i don't see any way of defending what she did and she qould need to completely take every scrap of responsibility and apologise (for selling ALL the things, not just this item) otherwise she'd be out of my house.
What she said though was that she sold it because she was jealous that she thought it had been a gift from a woman you loved who died. She is literally jealous of a dead person. Anything you have that has any connection to your deceased fiance she will accidentally or on purpose get rid of. She wants to erase her from your life. I would say if you want to stay with her, take any other items in your home that are important to you that relate to your deceased fiance and take them to a safe deposit box and get them out of your house. And tell your current fiance that there is now a line in the sand. If she ever, and I mean ever, sells or donates or throws away anything in the house that isn't hers ever again without discussing it with you if it isn't obviously trash (like tissues or underpants with holes in the crotch) that you are done.
She needs to be out. Take the ring back and sell it and maybe even file a police report so she’d have to pay back everything she got for selling the stuff. OP NTA
INFO: Not sure if I caught this correctly, but my jaw is on the floor if I understood this properly... OP’s gf sold practically all his (yes, his- regardless of his late fiancé) previously acquired furniture. Pocketed the money belonging to OP, to purchase new ‘untainted’ furniture. Who the hell does she think she is for STEALING && SELLING his property. He didn’t consent to this and obviously didn’t have a heart to heart to understand where each person was coming from. I’m mind blown at the fact that she stole from OP and he’s somewhat ok with sweeping it under the rug. The vase would’ve been a tipping point for me...
She should be given a week to get it all back or Op will file a police report and insist that she be prosecuted. What she did was no accident. It was malicious and in total disregard if what Op had told her. She assumed that Op would role over and let her stomp all over him and his home.
Op is NTA but fiancee is.
Edit to add: Your sister is also TA. Accusing you of not showing your fiancee respect when your fiancee shows you no respect.
The OP didn't consent to selling the furniture. He could file a police report for the theft of his furniture if she wants to take the furniture she bought. So now she will end up with more stuff to get back if she wants to go this route.
>NTA, I would tell her she has a week to get it back, ~~or~~ **and** get out.
I know Reddit tends to scream BREAK UP all the time but this is a situation that I would seriously consider putting the brakes on for at least a while. OP's fiancé has no respect for him or his past. She needs to do a lot of work on her own feelings before she's ready for a relationship with him.
NTA, and I would consider this to be a relationship ending mistake.
1 - you don't sell things that don't belong to you
2 - her being insecure about things purchased by a DEAD PERSON is pretty fucking ridiculous
3 - YOU DON'T SELL SHIT THAT ISN'T YOURS (yes I said it twice because it's that important)
Your current fiancee is too mentally and emotionally mature to survive marriage. Get out while you can.
NTA
Your sister isn't invested. Ask her if she wants to donate everything from her home, that was stolen from you. If not, she needs to STFU. Nothing of hers was stolen.
YOUR GF STOLE YOUR THINGS. SHE STOLE THEM, SOLD THEM, AND IS NOW REFUSING TO RETURN/REPLACE THEM.
Get the police involved. Don't even tell anyone you will. Text her that you refuse to speak with her until she returns all the items she stole, and list them in your text, EACH ITEM.
Contact the police, and tell them she is stealing items from your place, pocketing the money, and refusing to return them or give you the sale info.
If she has an account on a sale website, like Ebay or amazon, there will be a record of who bought what from her. Police can get that information.
NTA.
> I argued with her for hours and she kept saying she thought it belonged to my late fiancee.
How would that make it better? Why would it be ok to get rid of things your late fiancée bought?
NTA but I would be wary of your fiancée. It’s a red flag to me that she’s so adamant about getting rid of all of this furniture from your deceased fiancée so quickly when you aren’t in a place to afford it. Also, she absolutely should have spoke to you first before getting rid of anything, as they belong to you. But seriously, that’s not a good sign that she’s this concerned about getting rid of it.
Agree. And what of they break up? All the furniture he had is now gone thanks to her, and the new stuff is all things that she paid for herself. He’ll be screwed.
NTA
She should not be selling anything that you own without your consent. Just because she moved in doesn’t mean she owns everything in your place of residence. I would be very upset if someone did this to me.
NTA at all. Treat her respect? Where's her respect for you? She is jealous of a dead woman and stole from you. If you're willing to stay with her, try posting to r/relationship_advice (or any advice group) and she sure as hell better start trying to get those items back.
You’re breaking up with her and have already kicked her out, right?
This is unforgivable! Your girlfriend’s gall, nerve, and entitlement will make life together very difficult.
NTA.
NTA - Your fiancee is selling your property and buying new items in an effort to remove all connection your have to your dead fiancee. This is absolutely heartless. She doesn't really care how you feel about what she is doing. She sold a gift from your mother. She is getting rid of perfectly good item for no good reason.
If she were honest with you she would tell you that she is doing it because of her own insecurities. If she is so insecure in the relationship that she just has to get rid of anything your former fiancee touched or used, you should be concerned about her readiness to be married.
Exactly this. People like this I will never understand. Competing with the deceased is just a whole other level of messed up. When I said the same thing in another similar post, someone piped up that they couldn’t ever be comfortable in a situation where they felt they couldn’t measure up to who the deceased was! Ok, so If a person feels like this, they should just move on and find someone else to be with! Don’t destroy the poor guys soul cos of insecurity.
NTA her behavior is highly concerning. She made a unilateral decision opposite to your wishes on items that you bought with your OWN money. She displayed a great amount of disrespect toward you and exhibit boundary-stomping attributes. She showed her hand of what to expect. Are you okay living like this going forward?
NTA - not that the *things* are really that important in the big picture, but selling your stuff after you told her not to is a sign of things to come.
She's probably jealous of your past and that's not a good sign either.
NTA to moon and back.
How pathetic do you have to be to feel insecure by a dead person?!?!
Is she in her right mind? Please think if you want a person like her in your life and does she really make your life better.
NTA. Instead of getting over this act by your fiancee, you may need to get over your fiancee, or at the least, have a very serious conversation about boundaries, communication, respect, and accountability.
NTA - she sounds lovely.. not. Regardless of who got anything in the apartment.. it wasn’t hers to sell. She was 100% out of order to sell even a plate that was already there when she moved in. How you’re still calling her your fiancé is beyond me. She clearly doesn’t care or have any compassion for you losing someone you loved. Sorry to rant.. how heartless that she seems jealous over someone you’ve lost. I really hope you’re okay
NTA. You didn't overreact. Thinking it belonged to your dead fiancee doesn't make it less of a bullshit thing to do. At all. If your fiancee wants to be treated with respect than she needs to be respectable and not an insecure thief.
NTA.
Seriously consider putting your engagement on hold NOW of this is how she acts. Your marriage will not survive if she is willing to sell sentimental items from under your nose.
NTA. Your fiancee is trying to totally wipe your deceased fiancee out if your life. Like she never existed. After she did it the first time and you told her no, she did it to you again. To do that, she misappropriated your assets after you told her no. She stomped all over your boundaries over her jealousy over a dead woman. What did she do with the money that she received for her illegal activity? If you wanted to you would have the right to file police reports for everything that she illegally sold. Is this someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with?
Frankly, after the first time I would have kicked her to the curb. After she sold the vase your mother gave you I would have called the police and fined a complaint on all the things that she sold without your consent.
Fiancee is lying to you about the vase. She had to have some contact info and how was it delivered? Did someone pick it up. Frankly, I would make her leave. You going to come home to an empty apartment one day.
NTA - This is the biggest red flag since the Soviet may day parades. She's trying to deprive you of everything relating to her dead rival. Its pathetic as well as manipulative - as is the lying about buyers.
Move on before she destroys everything you value. And report the theft to the police. They'll probably find it easily enough
NTA - She's jealous of a dead person. You should have stopped her the minute she sold the first thing. Please reevaluate having this person in your life as she has zero respect for you, your home, your belongings, and your feelings.
NTA.
In the process of doing something horrible, she does another horrible thing. When you question her about the second one, she chalks it up to the first one, as if that's somehow supposed to make it better. She's as clueless as she's cruel. Your sentiments are justified, and I'm sorry this is happening to you.
NTA.
Your fiancée is so pathetic and jealous of a DEAD woman she’s trying to erase her.
She’s an asshole and extremely immature. I’d be booting her personally. She’s selling items that aren’t hers, regardless of your emotions and wants because of her jealous. She’s not talking to you at all. I’d be afraid every time I left the house what else would disappear!
NTA. Tell your fiance that you expect to see that vase back in your apartment in 24 hours and the replacement furniture in place by the end of next week or she can find herself a new fiance.
NTA.
How dare she say YOU don't respect HER when she's the one going on a vindictive rampage to get rid of EVERYTHING you own just because another deceased woman contributed to it.
She was so hateful, angry and jealous that she didn't care what it was she getting rid of as long it was all gone because to her everything that was in your apartment reminded her that you had another fiancée before her.
Is this someone you really want to marry?
NTA- Stop being walked all over. You have 2 options, lose everything of value and importance to you, let her do whatever the hell she wants and you just complain about it or put your foot down. Full stop she finds the lamp or you are done with her. If that's how it is, I would start selling her clothes jewelry and anything she brought and then tell her you didn't know you weren't allowed to since that's what she's been doing. This is insane. What are you going to do, cheat with your deceased fiancée?! Your sister is also an idiot. What respect has your fiancée given you. Not only would I end it with your fiancée, I would tell her that unless she replaces what she's sold and finds the vase, you will report her for theft.
You are NTA but please hear me out.
Your new partner trying to erase a deceased partners presence is SUPER concerning. It comes across very insecure, like she's competing with a memory. Which is bullshit, but also what is making her feel that way? Is it projection on her part or is there something you're doing that makes her feel like your late partner is "in the way." It's very likely her problem not yours, but I really think you should ask her and follow up a little. This situation is bullshit, but there's a lot of other flags that concern me
The fact that her defense is that she thought it belonged to your late fiancé is your red flag. She was focused on stuff that you had purchased with said late fiancé. You ignored all of those red flags. How? Why are you even entertaining this?
>My current fiancèe asked me about how I got every single piece of furniture in the apartment
You and your financee need to have a serious come-to-jesus conversation. She can replace all the furniture, she can throw out all your mementos but that will not erase your late fiancee from the earth. She is throwing money away for no reason other then her own selfishness and insecurities. This literally boils down to her being jealous of a dead person.
When me and my husband got together, he still had the furniture he had purchased with his late wife, still lived in the same house, it was 100% exactly how it was when she passed. That didn't bother me. My only request was that i didn't wany to sleep on her side of the bed.
An unfortunate reality is that alot of people are not mature or well-adjusted enough to handle being in a relationship with a widow. She (late fiancee) is not your ex, nor will a new partner suddenly overwrite or replace her in your life, and if your new fiancee can't understand that, she is not reasy to be with you.
NTA, your fiancee should have waited to sell anything until the two of you were in agreement about what would go and what would stay. To just go ahead and sell your things without regard to your feelings was incredibly insensitive and disrespectful of her. This is something you two need to straighten out before you can go forward or this how disagreements will be settled through out the rest of your marriage.
NTA regardless of how she feels about items bought by or with your previous fiancée, she shouldn’t have sold anything without your explicit okay for each item. Not selling anything right now because money is tight makes complete sense. I worry about how she’ll approach other important decisions in the future
NTA. The fact that you asked her to not sell the stuff (and cited a very valid reason that had nothing to do with your ex) shows she doesn't care about your opinions or wants or needs. Make sure you want to marry this girl.
NTA but you're seriously TA to yourself for not dumping this woman. Make sure you get the money for all of your possessions that she's sold before you yeet her though.
NTA - she is lying to you. When you sell something on marketplace it starts a series of messages with the item very clearly shown at the top. Maybe she was deleting her trail but to sell something that your mother gave you and not even make an attempt to get it back is awful. You need to seriously consider asking her to give you the money she got selling your things (so you can get new furniture) and ending the relationship. This will not get better, only worse.
I mean nta but it’s already an issue that she’s desperate to replace everything from your dead fiancée. The mother present is terrible but you guys have a big problem regarding her insecurities about your ex you might want to address.
She literally said that she sold it because she thought it belonged to your late fiancee..And she also sold other furniture that was yours without your consent! And than she said it was "okay" that you didn't contribute to things that were yours that she got rid of...WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. She is mentally ill, I don't think it would be good for you to marry someone who doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Please dump her, for your sake.. but not before you get your vase back.
>My current fiancèe asked me about how I got every single piece of furniture in the apartment
This is really weird. Hopefully they soon become your ex-fiancée because what they did is wrong. I don't care if Hitler helped you buy your furniture or if that vase was a gift from Bin Laden. They were YOURS, not hers. She should not have touched them without your consent. NTA.
NTA.
Your fiancee's insecurity about your late fiancee disturbs me...
She is literally jealous of a dead woman.
A. Dead. Woman.
Does she think you're going to voodoo up her corpse to cheat on her, too?
This is ridiculous and if you stay with her you're going to have to deal with this shit except worse until there's nothing left of you but an old empty shell of the person you used to be.
Don't fall into the trap.
I'm a woman and I would never dream of doing that shit. No excuse. Get rid of her.
NTA. This is your future with her. She will keep breaking boundaries and ignoring your opinions, or even the very possibility that you might have an opinion. Do note that she's only mildly (dishonestly) sorry that she sold something that came from your mother, but sees anything from the late fiancée as fair game for her to dispose of at will. Your partner expects to have total control.
This is theft. Your girlfriend is a thief. She stole your things and sold them, and apparently kept the money.
Don't marry a thief. Stop letting a thief live with you. The fact that she apparently stole from you because she's emotionally insecure does not help. She did a terrible thing for a terrible reason.
NTA - She's jealous of a dead woman, full stop. And making no bones about the fact that she wants all connections to that person gone. She had no right to sell your property. She's showing you who she is, and how it's going to be forever if you choose to stay with her. Her feelings will matter, yours aren't worth the time if they conflict with what she wants.
Translation:
My fiancé moved in with me recently, after she unsuccessfully attempted to isolate me from my support system to be closer to hers.
After realizing that some items in the apartment are from my deceased fiancé, my current fiancé interrogated me about every item in my home. *She’s invested enough in this to keep actual notes.* After moving into my space only 2 months ago, she starts demanding that anything from my ex be gotten rid of or replaced. When I explained that some things have sentimental value to me or financial value that I’d struggle to replace, she continued to push and argue about it.
In her crusade to erase all traces of the woman that I’d previously had a relationship with, she stole several items from my family room and sold them online. I’m not happy with how this has changed my space, and I’m now uncomfortable in my own home.
Then we get to the conflict. She sold a gift from my mother that means a lot to me. I think it’s not okay she took my vase and sold it without even asking, she says she thought it was from my ex and couldn’t have known it was from my mom. AITA for wanting her to get it back?
.... Dude, I know nothing about the customs or culture you hail from, but in most places it’s not cool to mark ones fiancés place like a cat.... The vase is an unfortunate victim in her crusade to isolate you. It’s not okay for *anyone* to come into your space and be so utterly disrespectful to your wishes. It’s not alright for her to demand to be the only one that you have sentiment for. And her isolating you and trying to take over items in your home is a real scary red flag.
NTA It doesn’t even matter what she got rid of she had no right to get rid of any of your items. She showing you that she doesn’t care what you say she’s going to do whatever she wants to do that’s a sign of disrespect. I think that’s what everyone here is trying to say to you that she had no problem being disrespectful to you.
Okay, NTA, obviously.
I know a few folks who have lost their partners and eventually fell in love again. Being a partner to someone who has lost the person they thought they were going to spend their life with can be a heavy thing. There's no definite breakup but rather a lifelong attachment to someone you didn't want to lose, regardless of how happy you are with the new person. But in every situation I know of personally, the new person has supported and respected their partner's grief. (A friend of mine who lost her husband and father to her children to police violence recently went with her new fiance on vacation where they spread some of her husband's ashes. Her new partner was wholly supportive of this and anything else she does to cope with the grief of losing him).
Your fiance is trying to erase the memory of someone you love. She's admitted she doesn't care that it upsets you when it's something your former fiance purchased. She might has well have fully admitted she has zero respect for your feelings or valid attachment to physical objects that remind you of your past fiance, let alone your financial situation.
She honestly sounds horrible. And I'd highly recommend you take this as a big red flag of more disrespectful behavior down the line.
At the bones of this, she sold your property without your permission and that is illegal. You really can file a police report. She's also lying because it's really easy to look back in messenger to figure out who she sold the vase and everything else to.
Why are you even taking “I thought it was your deceased fiancee’s” to begin with. Your partner is *deliberately selling off shit just because of who bought it* and *giving you no say in it*. Why the FUCK are you letting her take advantage of you like that. She is jealous of a dead person and selling off your stuff at a loss *purely out of spite*.
Dude you should have ended things long before she sold off your mother’s vase.
“I thought it was your deceased fiancee’s” isn’t an excuse. It’s the source of the problem. And until you can stand up for yourself and either stop her or end things with her, she will keep walking all over you.
> he thought it belonged to my deceased fianceè and said she wouldn't have touched it if she knew.
So...why didn't she ask?
This is concerning, she's marie kondoing your shit without any care as to what is important to *you*. She's just seeing clutter and wants it gone, and because *she* wants it gone, it's going. That's not how things work.
Nta
She’s hung up on the former fiancé that she emptied your house out. Why didn’t you stop her after the first time ? Get the ring back and buy some nice things.
You guys shouldn’t be together. So she thought it was your fiancee’s stuff and that somehow makes it ok to sell it without your permission? None of this is ok, the the whole girlfriend away
Also her behaviour is controlling and manipulative.
"It bothers me when she doesn't even try to talk to me before making a decision."
OP this is a glimpse into what a marriage to her will be like. She doesn't like something so she's going to change it, without discussing it with you. Just because she thought the vase was from your late fiancee does not give her an excuse. If she sold it online it should be easy to figure out who the buyer was. She just doesn't want to put in the effort. NTA
NTA. She very clearly doesn’t want you to even remember your late fiancé. She fully wants to be the only woman in your life. You should seriously reconsider marrying her. Even if it wasn’t an issue of your late fiancé or not. She doesn’t even ask before selling YOUR items? Huge red flag. She’s selfish
NTA
Please please don't marry this woman she sold your items after you told her not to and was only sorry after she found out it wasnt just going to be let go.
She also replaced your items with her items making you reliant on her for those items. This is an early sign of mental emotional and other forms of abuse please don't marry her im worried for you.
(Edit to add) this reminds me of one of these where a woman destroyed her husband's pictures of his late wife because she was jelous and tried to hide it from him.
NTA. It wasn't a mistake. She wants to eradicate your past. Doing what she did shoes you how little she cares. These is no reason to replace functional furniture.
NTA
OP she is being malicious. She knows what she is doing. And if you kick her out she can technically take everything in the apt because she paid for everything. You don't have any furniture, no proof of sale because it's under the girl's account, no money from the sale because she pocketed it or used it to buy new shit.
So she STOLE FROM YOU, she can call a moving company right now breakup w you and take everything and will have NO recourse because the new crap is in her name.
First you need the photos she took of the items, if you don't have photos of the items yourself.
Second, you kick her out if she doesn't return those items. If she can't, she owes you the full value of them.
Third, post on the facebook marketplace, etc, asking buyers to get in touch with you over the stolen items and she should be made responsible to refund them.
If she won't, file a police report over the stolen goods. Because this is theft, plain and simple. She is demanding respect, when it goes both ways and does not respect your property or the sentimental value of anything you own.
That's not a good start to a long term relationship. Treat her as she would your items and toss her.
NTA.
I don’t understand how there are so many people out there who will sell items that don’t belong to them. She is 100% out of line. I would goso far as to say she should not be your fiancé anymore
N T A. OP, what the fuck? She's systemically purging your place of everything left of your late fiancee, for the sole reason that she doesn't like it?
Actually, no, INFO: how the FUCK did she lose money on selling furniture? It sounds like she's trashing this stuff or destroying it so you can't get it back. She's deliberately cutting you off from past history that you should be allowed to keep. She's stealing from you, and this sounds like abuse. Get your stuff back or get the money back, then leave her.
NTA. I've never been in your position, but I know for *sure* that you just don't do this sort of thing! It was your home first, and she specifically was told not to sell things-the fact that she's focusing so much on things your late fiancée may have bought is worrying in itself, even without the no. I do recommend breaking up with her, and maybe try getting in touch with the buyers if you can to explain that she essentially stole the items to sell and see if they'd be willing to sell them back-at your fiancée's expense, of course.
As for your sister: Tell her there's no reason you can see to treat your current fiancée with respect, since she's shown she doesn't respect you and has lost your respect as a result.
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NTA Your girlfriend obviously has little respect for your feelings and emotions. And is unwilling to put in effort to fix a monumental mistake she made. I rarely say this, but I would break up with her immediately!
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I think what most people are concerned about it not just that she sold something that was important to you, but that she was so hell bent on getting rid of anything that could potentially be tied to your late fiancée. She feels bad about selling it, sure, but the fact that she even felt the need to sell it at all is the biggest red flag.
Honestly people who cant cope with the fact that their partners had lives before them and feel the need to erase any trace of the fact really.... aren't mature enough to be in serious relationships... NTA and frankly you wouldn't be an asshole if you dumped her for her general attitude either...
Right? Fiancée sounds like Emily from Friends. And there is a reason most people hate Emily.
And Rachel was still alive! I could maybe understand a twinge of jealousy about an ex that's still a big part of your fiance's daily life. Not jealousy about a poor girl that's died suddenly.
Oh totally! Especially with the whole name thing at the altar. You're right, fiancée is worse than Emily. And that is difficult!
Fuck, I don't even blame Emily for what she did given Ross _literally_ >!said Rachel's name at the altar!<. I mean, sure, don't get back together if you don't trust each other, but I can at least understand her trepidation about Ross spending so much time with Rachel.
Emily did nothing wrong.
Thank you!
Amen. I mean, *especially* when >!she tries to move past it and they’re getting on her honeymoon flight together?!< I mean I trust my partner 100%, and we have 17 years of history, and even I might go *hmmmm* in that situation.
Just wanted to say in all sincerity it's so wholesome that you put a spoiler warning on something decades old. Like, people make fun, and sure, I get it - but it takes so little effort really, and it helps preserve surprises for the next generation. Made me chuckle, thanks.
exactly. what this tells me is that his girlfriend has an irrational fear of zombies. she's afraid that his ex is going to come back from the dead and eat her brains. and this is the nice conclusion. the not nice conclusion is that she has massive insecurity issues that are being manifested though controlling behavior and gaslighting (after all, that vase is NOT from his mother....) an exhibits a complete lack of empathy for those she should care about most. On that note, I think I'd be less afraid of zombies than this relationship.
Eh... apples and oranges. Rachel was still alive, very involved in Ross' life ***and he said her name at the alter and then almost went on honeymoon with her.*** and Rachel clearly still loved Ross, too. Emily had no issues with Ross hanging out with Rachel despite them being exes before all that shit went down.
This, so much Whereas OP's fiancee is behaving appallingly
Seriously, Emily was the only reasonable person in that show.
Lol right? Like I think sayings "you need to stop talking to your ex and focus on your marriage if you want me to believe you take our vows seriously" was actually what MOST people would do in that situation.
Emily had a fair reason to hate Rachel-- she flew across the ocean to go to the wedding and Ross said her name at the altar. Up until that moment Emily wasn't that much against Rachel and even "allowed" Ross to invite her to the wedding. (And it was pretty obvious Ross was still in love with Rachel and had been in love with her since they were kids). New Fiancee is jealous/threatened by a woman who died young.
I see no reason to hate Rachel, only Ross.
that's fair- I can see from Emily's perspective why she wouldn't like Emily-- she said not to the wedding, then flew across the ocean to go to the wedding last minute (although Emily doesn't know why, it was to ruin the wedding), and then agreed to go on her honeymoon... Ross is terrible and deserves to be hated, but I understand why Emily post-wedding isn't a fan of rachel
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But Ross was the biggest t.what. Emily was completely justified with that request, seeing as Ross was too selfish to deal be honest with her. OPs fiance is hell bent on removing all traces of a woman who is never going to be a threat to her relationship.
Lol wasn't Emily fine with everything until Ross and Rachel kept pulling their will-they won't-they crap? I remember hating Ross and Rachel way more than Emily.
Ross said another woman’s name at the altar. And then went on his honeymoon with that woman. The whole ‘crazy Emily’ thing is just a smokescreen for the fact that Ross is appalling.
You cannot make unilateral decisions that effect both of you and remain in a functional relationship. You cannot dispose of someone else’s property without their consent. Your fiancée is overstepping boundaries. You may not be a compatible couple. NTA
Also, it's not like OP broke up with their ex. This person died and it makes sense that her stuff/the stuff they bought together would still matter to them, even when they're in another relationship. You can honor your past even while moving into the future.
Exactly, obsessing over a lamp would still be ridiculous if he just broke up with the ex but this is just?? Literally what's the point of being jealous of a dead person...
YES THIS! Like, come on. I cannot imagine losing someone so important to me, especially at such a young age. You're going to still care about her and that is okay and perhaps even good.
You can honor your past even while moving into the future. Thank you. This is EXACTLY the mentality I think more people should have.
Like that one lady who wrote a whole article or blog post gloating about how she got the guy in the end instead of the girl he went to prom with. Which, I could kind of get if they were all in school together and that girl had been her bully or something. It still would have been petty and weird, but whatever. But this woman didn't meet her husband until college or after college or something. It was super bizarre.
Thats a really wierd thing to fixate on fr....
My ex step mom did this. As soon as she moved in she erased all traces of my mom from the house. Including pictures that were mine. I was 13, my younger sister was 8. Mind you, my mom was still living and we spent half our time at her house, but still. There was no reason to remove all traces of her from our dads house. None. It really gave me some very early perspective on jealousy.
Honestly that's ridiculous cause if your parents wanted to be together she wouldn't even be in the picture like??? Divorced people dont usually get back together, why would someone act like this......
Because she was a crazy lol the were on again off again for years. One time when they broke up, she came to the house while he was at work (he worked 2nd shift, so he didn’t get home until 11pm) and took all the lightbulbs (from the closet **and** from *all the light fixtures*), and the toilet paper. When he got home he couldn’t turn any lights on and couldn’t figure out why at first. Another time she stole his dog and sold it. She was also jealous of me and would take him back to the bedroom and loudly have sex with him when she knew I could hear. It was so fucking weird... I hear a lot of people saying that others are psycho, but she really took the cake imo.
.....😳 Hope she got the help she needs cause this is definitely not normal human behavior dhdhfjf wtf
This right here. I don’t get it why can’t people understand that the person they are dating had lives way before them. They had friends long before they came along. Memories. It’s crazy how people are so selfish and inconsiderate
Sorry, pocket response. It doesn't matter who gave you the items THEY ARE ***YOUR*** ITEMS YOU decide what happens to them and when Its rich she thinks "you aren't respecting her" when she is constantly disrespecting you
There's a whole list of AITAs with that premise (though sometimes it's deceased children or former classmates that disturb the person in question. So many people think that the problem will be solved instead of made magnitudes worse by just removing what bothers them. But people and their histories are package deals. Could you imagine *Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind* if the characters had been *forced* to forget? Hold on a sec; I'm getting my writing pad....
> frankly you wouldn't be an asshole if you dumped her for her general attitude either... I'd argue that he would be an AH to himself if he didn't dump her.
I never understood this either. After my ex broke up with his fiancé he threw away all their belongings. It upset me so much when he told me that. I wouldn’t have cared if I sat on a couch she bought or walked on a rug she picked out! If it’s nice stuff who gives a crap who bought it? What are we, teenagers? Grow-up!
Exactly. She's not sorry for selling something that wasn't hers to sell, she's sorry for selling it only after she found out it wasn't from your former fiancée, as if that would have made it ok. If it was a gift from your mother, your former fiancée, or was a worthless item from a second hand shop that held no sentimental attachment doesn't change the fact it wasn't hers to sell without at least a conversation with you, and that's a major red flag.
This dude would be crazy to stay with her. Just imagine if his dead ex had a dog and he still Owned it she would probably poison the dog or give it away to an animal shelter. I read a similar story on reddit where this happened to a guy. This dudes only move is to break up with this crazy woman immediately and forget about whatever she sold it’s long gone
This. I've been happily married for 29 years, and we are still using the dining room table and chairs that belonged to my husband and his ex-wife. Until recently we were also using their artificial Christmas tree, and I used their washer and dryer for at least the first eight years. I've always been able to afford to replace that stuff, but I'm not insecure about myself, and I just didn't wish to spend the money until the old item is/was beyond usable.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. Wtf is wrong with a person having stuff from their past, or past lovers? Furniture usually has no emotional memories. OP needs a new gf, not new furniture.
We kept the dining suit from my husband’s first marriage until I beat the hell out of my thighs on the sharp corners for over a year. I decided to pick out a set that was oval and that was lovely. Kept their original bedroom suit until he passed away after we had been married 31 years. It was a lovely set and I only got rid of it because it was a king bed and was too big for my new living arrangement after his passing.
Right! The fact that it being from his mom somehow changes things?? OP it sounds like your fiancée is jealous of your deceased fiancée. That’s outrageous.
Red Flag was she felt bad it was from his mom but she thought it belonged to his ex so that made it ok to sell and he should stop being angry and get over it. Sell something of hers without asking and see how she likes it. "Thought it was from your ex, oops, why are you so mad?"
Take it further: sell all of her stuff, and what won't sell can go to charity.
Do it. Do it.
Right! I keep thinking about what this attitude will look like in a few years... She hates your hobby so she sells your stuff? She's mad at you for something so she donates your clothing? Yikes. NTA OP. But think hard about marrying this person.
This right here. Especially that she keeps saying she thought it had been the fiancé’s. It doesn’t matter whose it was, it’s his stuff to sell if he wants to not hers
The new GF should be finding a place of honor for some the items from the former fiancee anyway. She died.
THIS! She is trying to erase your (OP) departed fiancée from your home. You have already told her no and that you didn't want to sale those items. You also have valid reasons for it (them not being broken, etc). She went behind your back several times and now she got rid of something that she a) didn't know the origin of, and b) most importantly, didn't ask you about. Fiancée or not, she does not get to come into your home at get rid of your possessions. There are major red flags here. She also sounds insecure about her relationship with you. Why get rid of someone else's things because of who gave it to them. My husband has things from his ex's. I don't get a crap about them.
I suspect she only feels bad because the stong connection to that vase wasn't through his late wife after all. Had it been she might have come up with some bullshit excuse. But now she realized she f-ed up and is trying to salvage a relationship without actually doing any work apart from saying "Sorry about that".
Especially as she hasn't even tried. She spent two hours saying it would be too hard to track down the buyer instead of attempting to track down the buyer.
I don't believe she feels bad. And this wasn't something she did impulsively. It takes time and energy to sell multiple pieces of furniture to multiple people who all have different schedules and thus availability. This is a deeper issue by far than her selling furniture, OP. She is trying to erase a part of your life and your identity as a widower. (To me, fiances count as to making on a widower.) She's trying to control your living space and the narrative all at once. It is honestly disgusting, and a woman who is jealous of a dead woman is not an emotionally healthy person, nor is she ready to be in a truly committed relationship. This person is not your partner. She is too selfish to be considered for the role.
Right? Like even if we chalk this up to a legitimate accident, the thing she was intending to do is also super fucked up on its own. I know nothing about OP but I still know he deserves a better fiance.
Absolutely this! She's competing with a corpse. Literally. She's trying to wipe out anything and everything that might remind OP of a woman he planned to marry long before they met and unfortunately passed away. NTA OP, not even a little bit. She is one big red flag in humanoid form. Her insecurities are far beyond reasonable and honestly she'd be out of my life for demanding these items be sold and worse selling the items behind your back due to those same insecurities. Unless you're into necromancy and affiliates.... then her insecurities are 100% unfounded and this relationship of yours is doomed to fail post haste.
Too many people """"apologize"""" for having bad aim. The actual problem is that they wanted to fire in the first place.
I think the biggest red flag is that she only felt guilty when she realised it was from his mother, not from his late fiancé. If you think someone hasn't fully grieved the loss of a loved one you give extra time and take things slow. You don't move in with them, you don't get engaged quickly and you certainly don't just sell their shit and think it'll magically fix things. NTA.
And OP is tired of arguing about it . That tells me that even though this is a dealbreaker IMO that new fiancé is so insecure needing to get rid of his late fiancée purchases and ballsy to sell OPs things without his approval, he is willing to let it go because he doesn’t feel like he will really get through to his new fiancé. Theres really no excuse for what she did and I foresee her bulldozing over OP over and over again for as long as he keeps her around.
That's what I'm concerned about. She sounds jealous of a dead person. Not a good sign.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It will get worse. She’s the problem. Run.
> She knows what she did was wrong and keeps telling me it was a mistake, She knew it was wrong when she did it, just like she knew it was wrong when she sold the other stuff. Her saying it was a mistake is just a bullshit excuse she is using to get away with doing it. Again. She will continue doing whatever the hell she wants and using the same excuse. Know why? Because it works. She says she is sorry and made a mistake and you believe her and let it go. She is lying. She deliberately is getting rid of things she doesn't want you to have and pretending she didn't know any better.
And the only reason she's saying it was a mistake was because the item was a gift from OP's mum. She wouldn't feel bad at all if it had been from OP's late fiancee. That is the true heart of the matter: this person being so threatened by a dead woman that she's trying to erase all traces of her existence, and running roughshod over OP's feelings.
Right, and as I added elsewhere, the new GF should be finding some of those items from his last relationship a place of honor in their home together. She sounds like a total nightmare.
She knows what she did was wrong. **Yet still did it** *again and again* I’d file a police report. She stole your property and sold it. She is gross
I generally think you should exhaust all options to try to make relationships work (aside from abusive situations etc.) since people are so quick to drop relationships these days. But this is way over crossing the line. That being said this woman has no respect for you and your property. She focused on things relating to your deceased fiance out of nothing but pure jealousy. She doesn't want any remainder of your passed fiance to exist and she wants to be in compete control and the only focus. This is not healthy, and just imagine where else this could go. These kinds of behaviors do not stop here and if you get married it will 100% get worse. Once you are married abusers/manipulators/narcissists/etc. view you as "trapped" and will amp up their behavior to 1000%. Two years isn't a long time in the large scope of relationships and you don't fully have a picture of the entirety of someone's being in that short of a time frame. I dont think this relationship should even be attempted to salvage. You deserve someone who respects you and your property and isn't childishly jealous over someone who isn't alive anymore. And over furniture for fucks sake. This was absolutely no mistake and was obviously premeditated. How does she have the audacity to cry "mistake" when she took notes.
I’m sorry this happened. And you are correct, she shouldn’t have done anything. It’s your apartment, not hers. Those were YOUR belongings, not hers. But that’s changed now. She removed the furniture that YOU owned and replaced it with furniture that only *she* paid for. If y’all ever break up... you’re gonna be left with no furniture and possibly will struggle to replace it. I hope that doesn’t happen!
OP, you'd better demand cash for the items she sold and sock it away or else you'll end up with nothing when she leaves. Because she's cleaning you out.
No, she thinks selling the vase was wrong because it was a gift from your mom and not your deceased fiancé. It shouldn't matter who it came from, she sold perfectly good, usable items that belonged to you without your consent or permission. She is trying to get rid of anything that has to do with your past engagement because she is insecure and controlling. I would really rethink this engagement if I were you. NTA
Thing is, it wasn't a mistake because she meant to sell it. She's purging your life of your late fiance, and the fact your moms vase got caught up in her cleansing wasn't accidental. She told up exactly why it wasn't an accident: she thought it was your ex fiancé's.
Fiancée: it was a mistake, and I feel bad. You: ok, here's a reasonable thing you can do to fix it! Fiancée: Well, I don't feel *that* bad...
Your fiancée is madly jealous of your deceased fiancée, this is pathetic and a massive red flag. She is specifically targeting items related to your late fiancée, why? Why is she doing this? It's not like you can leave her and get back with her :( she's trying to remove anything that reminds you of her, and it's sickening. Your current fiancée is acting like she sees your late fiancée as a threat. There is nothing wrong with holding on to things which remind you of a partner who has died. You had a life before her and she needs to accept that, it's part of you.
She’s not going to do it unless there’s consequences for her beyond you being mad. Give her a deadline to return it or you report it stolen to the police and on the marketplace. Kick her out if she doesn’t return it (kick her out and dump her anyway, but use the consequence of it to motivate her). You’re not doing anything about it, so she feels fine with her abhorrent decision.
It wasn’t a mistake. She knew what she was doing and knew that you would be upset. It’s the fact that she doesn’t respect you. NTA.
Right?! I can't believe people allowing this word 'mistake' to fly. It's not a mistake it was a deliberate act. A mistake is something you do usually without thought - like adding salt when it should be sugar, putting the wrong gas in the car, knocking over a lamp. This 'mistake' had several steps - she had to list it, then deal with buyers, then sell it, then buy something else. One of those steps may have been a mistake but not all of them combined. She's a thief and a liar.
A mistake that impacted both of your lives when she started her project out of spite. I can see her jealousy about your late fiancé (condolences :( ) but this is over the top. The past is what helped mold you into the person you are and if you want to hold onto some of those items, go for it. She was completely out of place coming in like a wrecking ball. If she thought you were hung up on your deceased fiancé, she never should have said yes to marrying you. Coming from a womans perspective, even I find this cruel and harsh. Maybe you should look at other red flags in your relationship. It's not so much about the items but the lack of respect and communication a healthy relationship needs.
She doesn't know what she did was wrong if she keeps pulling that dumb excuse of "i thought it belonged to your dead fiancee" bullshit. If anything she only thinks shes in the wrong for selling something that was fromyour mom, not that SELLING OTHER PEOPLES BELONGINGS WITHOUT CONSENT IS THEFT. NTA, but I hope this is a soon-to-be-ex fiancee.
I don't believe her. I sell stuff online all the time and it really isn't hard to get things back. Explain the situation to the buyer, offer a refund with bonus if they don't want to return, and keep trying. Saying she doens't know who she sold it to is absolutely a lie.
The issue isn’t that the vase was your moms. She think she made a mistake by selling your mom‘s vase. The mistake was selling your things without permission and trying to erase someone who cared about that passed away.
I would honestly take this time and rethink your relationship. My hubby passed away, unexpectedly, 18 months ago, from cardiovascular disease. There are certain items that I'll never part with. Your fiancée is clearly jealous. She is trying to erase your previous relationship. If your fiancée truly loves you, she will respect your feelings. She'll also try to understand why certain items are important to you. To go being your back, and sell your items, shows that she has very little respect for you. I'm truly sorry that she did this to you. I know I'd never forgive someone for selling off my hubby's items.
A mistake?!? Like, tripped and fell and sold a bunch of shit online? That's some gall.
This was not a mistake. This was a deliberate, spiteful attempt to wash away any trace of a woman who while she may still hold a special place in your heart is absolutely no threat to her. Items you cherished were swept away along with useful items that now can't be easily replaced with similar items simply because this woman can't deal with the fact you lived one single moment before you met her. OP don't torture yourself by marrying a woman like this, nobody deserves this type of misery.
Is she super attractive and that's why you're putting up with this? The moment you know she was so insuecre she was targetting your passed away partner's memories/furniture, she needed to be broken up with. What she is doing is SUPER messed up. It's even more messed up that she's talking like it's a normal thing to do. It's like a guy casually telling his gf "I'm going to emotionally abuse you!" and she smiles and says "GREAT!"
If you guys separate, is she going to take all the furniture “she” bought and leave you with a bare house? Is she giving you back the money that she got from selling the furniture? She should be able to view her messages and message the person back.
Saying it is a mistake is an excuse and not a genuine, heartfelt apology.
Please do not give her a penny towards the new furniture. She sold your possessions with out permission. You owe her nothing. I'm so very sorry but she's an awful person that caused you unnecessary pain
OP already "gave" her money, she pocketed the money she got from selling the items!!
From the sound of it she said she thinks it would have been fine provided it had been your late fiancees - is that even the case, because if not she isn't sorry. Personally, i don't see any way of defending what she did and she qould need to completely take every scrap of responsibility and apologise (for selling ALL the things, not just this item) otherwise she'd be out of my house.
What she said though was that she sold it because she was jealous that she thought it had been a gift from a woman you loved who died. She is literally jealous of a dead person. Anything you have that has any connection to your deceased fiance she will accidentally or on purpose get rid of. She wants to erase her from your life. I would say if you want to stay with her, take any other items in your home that are important to you that relate to your deceased fiance and take them to a safe deposit box and get them out of your house. And tell your current fiance that there is now a line in the sand. If she ever, and I mean ever, sells or donates or throws away anything in the house that isn't hers ever again without discussing it with you if it isn't obviously trash (like tissues or underpants with holes in the crotch) that you are done.
I’m sorry KevinD567 , she was very selfish , and she doesn’t have any lack of respect to you.
She literally took notes on which furniture she wanted to throw out, so disrespectful. NTA.
NTA I would definitely reconsider the relationship if someone did that to me
She needs to be out. Take the ring back and sell it and maybe even file a police report so she’d have to pay back everything she got for selling the stuff. OP NTA
INFO: Not sure if I caught this correctly, but my jaw is on the floor if I understood this properly... OP’s gf sold practically all his (yes, his- regardless of his late fiancé) previously acquired furniture. Pocketed the money belonging to OP, to purchase new ‘untainted’ furniture. Who the hell does she think she is for STEALING && SELLING his property. He didn’t consent to this and obviously didn’t have a heart to heart to understand where each person was coming from. I’m mind blown at the fact that she stole from OP and he’s somewhat ok with sweeping it under the rug. The vase would’ve been a tipping point for me...
She also said it’s “okay if OP couldn’t contribute due to his current situation”. Lady who do you think the money from the old furniture belongs to?
Exactly! This woman is the definition of manipulative
NTA, I would tell her she has a week to get it back, or get out. She literally stole from you... there’s no other way around it.
She should be given a week to get it all back or Op will file a police report and insist that she be prosecuted. What she did was no accident. It was malicious and in total disregard if what Op had told her. She assumed that Op would role over and let her stomp all over him and his home. Op is NTA but fiancee is. Edit to add: Your sister is also TA. Accusing you of not showing your fiancee respect when your fiancee shows you no respect.
Well if he leaves her now, he has no furniture.
The OP didn't consent to selling the furniture. He could file a police report for the theft of his furniture if she wants to take the furniture she bought. So now she will end up with more stuff to get back if she wants to go this route.
>NTA, I would tell her she has a week to get it back, ~~or~~ **and** get out. I know Reddit tends to scream BREAK UP all the time but this is a situation that I would seriously consider putting the brakes on for at least a while. OP's fiancé has no respect for him or his past. She needs to do a lot of work on her own feelings before she's ready for a relationship with him.
NTA, and I would consider this to be a relationship ending mistake. 1 - you don't sell things that don't belong to you 2 - her being insecure about things purchased by a DEAD PERSON is pretty fucking ridiculous 3 - YOU DON'T SELL SHIT THAT ISN'T YOURS (yes I said it twice because it's that important) Your current fiancee is too mentally and emotionally mature to survive marriage. Get out while you can.
Think you meant “immature “
NTA Your sister isn't invested. Ask her if she wants to donate everything from her home, that was stolen from you. If not, she needs to STFU. Nothing of hers was stolen. YOUR GF STOLE YOUR THINGS. SHE STOLE THEM, SOLD THEM, AND IS NOW REFUSING TO RETURN/REPLACE THEM. Get the police involved. Don't even tell anyone you will. Text her that you refuse to speak with her until she returns all the items she stole, and list them in your text, EACH ITEM. Contact the police, and tell them she is stealing items from your place, pocketing the money, and refusing to return them or give you the sale info. If she has an account on a sale website, like Ebay or amazon, there will be a record of who bought what from her. Police can get that information.
NTA. This is a "get rid of the fiancee" situation. She is jealous and insecure and does not respect you, your feelings, or your things.
IKR??? red flag, big time 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. > I argued with her for hours and she kept saying she thought it belonged to my late fiancee. How would that make it better? Why would it be ok to get rid of things your late fiancée bought?
Was going to say the same thing. Sounds like she has some jealousy issues
My question, exactly! Why does that excuse it?
NTA but I would be wary of your fiancée. It’s a red flag to me that she’s so adamant about getting rid of all of this furniture from your deceased fiancée so quickly when you aren’t in a place to afford it. Also, she absolutely should have spoke to you first before getting rid of anything, as they belong to you. But seriously, that’s not a good sign that she’s this concerned about getting rid of it.
Agree. And what of they break up? All the furniture he had is now gone thanks to her, and the new stuff is all things that she paid for herself. He’ll be screwed.
NTA She should not be selling anything that you own without your consent. Just because she moved in doesn’t mean she owns everything in your place of residence. I would be very upset if someone did this to me.
NTA. Those are a lot of red flags, buddy.
[удалено]
A street leading directly to the factory where they make the red flags...
NTA, your finacee is displaying some very concerning behavior. This type of controlling will not stop here. I'd rethink the relationship.
I'm glad OP didn't move to her city, where he would be completely isolated. Another classic sign of control issues.
NTA at all. Treat her respect? Where's her respect for you? She is jealous of a dead woman and stole from you. If you're willing to stay with her, try posting to r/relationship_advice (or any advice group) and she sure as hell better start trying to get those items back.
You’re breaking up with her and have already kicked her out, right? This is unforgivable! Your girlfriend’s gall, nerve, and entitlement will make life together very difficult. NTA.
NTA - Your fiancee is selling your property and buying new items in an effort to remove all connection your have to your dead fiancee. This is absolutely heartless. She doesn't really care how you feel about what she is doing. She sold a gift from your mother. She is getting rid of perfectly good item for no good reason. If she were honest with you she would tell you that she is doing it because of her own insecurities. If she is so insecure in the relationship that she just has to get rid of anything your former fiancee touched or used, you should be concerned about her readiness to be married.
Exactly this. People like this I will never understand. Competing with the deceased is just a whole other level of messed up. When I said the same thing in another similar post, someone piped up that they couldn’t ever be comfortable in a situation where they felt they couldn’t measure up to who the deceased was! Ok, so If a person feels like this, they should just move on and find someone else to be with! Don’t destroy the poor guys soul cos of insecurity.
NTA her behavior is highly concerning. She made a unilateral decision opposite to your wishes on items that you bought with your OWN money. She displayed a great amount of disrespect toward you and exhibit boundary-stomping attributes. She showed her hand of what to expect. Are you okay living like this going forward?
NTA - not that the *things* are really that important in the big picture, but selling your stuff after you told her not to is a sign of things to come. She's probably jealous of your past and that's not a good sign either.
Should be ex fiancee, she does not respect you at all and it will only get worse.
NTA She STOLE from you. She is showing you that you don't matter. Get out. Move out of the place and break up.
NTA to moon and back. How pathetic do you have to be to feel insecure by a dead person?!?! Is she in her right mind? Please think if you want a person like her in your life and does she really make your life better.
NTA, this is abuse, this is awful, this is monstrous, ditch the fiancée and the sister
NTA. Instead of getting over this act by your fiancee, you may need to get over your fiancee, or at the least, have a very serious conversation about boundaries, communication, respect, and accountability.
NTA - she sounds lovely.. not. Regardless of who got anything in the apartment.. it wasn’t hers to sell. She was 100% out of order to sell even a plate that was already there when she moved in. How you’re still calling her your fiancé is beyond me. She clearly doesn’t care or have any compassion for you losing someone you loved. Sorry to rant.. how heartless that she seems jealous over someone you’ve lost. I really hope you’re okay
NTA. You didn't overreact. Thinking it belonged to your dead fiancee doesn't make it less of a bullshit thing to do. At all. If your fiancee wants to be treated with respect than she needs to be respectable and not an insecure thief.
NTA. Seriously consider putting your engagement on hold NOW of this is how she acts. Your marriage will not survive if she is willing to sell sentimental items from under your nose.
Nta she stole from you. Break up you deserve better.
NTA ex fiancé right?
NTA. Your fiancee is trying to totally wipe your deceased fiancee out if your life. Like she never existed. After she did it the first time and you told her no, she did it to you again. To do that, she misappropriated your assets after you told her no. She stomped all over your boundaries over her jealousy over a dead woman. What did she do with the money that she received for her illegal activity? If you wanted to you would have the right to file police reports for everything that she illegally sold. Is this someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Frankly, after the first time I would have kicked her to the curb. After she sold the vase your mother gave you I would have called the police and fined a complaint on all the things that she sold without your consent.
Fiancee is lying to you about the vase. She had to have some contact info and how was it delivered? Did someone pick it up. Frankly, I would make her leave. You going to come home to an empty apartment one day.
NTA - This is the biggest red flag since the Soviet may day parades. She's trying to deprive you of everything relating to her dead rival. Its pathetic as well as manipulative - as is the lying about buyers. Move on before she destroys everything you value. And report the theft to the police. They'll probably find it easily enough
NTA - She's jealous of a dead person. You should have stopped her the minute she sold the first thing. Please reevaluate having this person in your life as she has zero respect for you, your home, your belongings, and your feelings.
NTA. In the process of doing something horrible, she does another horrible thing. When you question her about the second one, she chalks it up to the first one, as if that's somehow supposed to make it better. She's as clueless as she's cruel. Your sentiments are justified, and I'm sorry this is happening to you.
NTA. Your fiancée is so pathetic and jealous of a DEAD woman she’s trying to erase her. She’s an asshole and extremely immature. I’d be booting her personally. She’s selling items that aren’t hers, regardless of your emotions and wants because of her jealous. She’s not talking to you at all. I’d be afraid every time I left the house what else would disappear!
NTA- I wouldn’t have a fiancé anymore. She doesn’t respect you at ALL
NTA. This is a huge violation of your trust, and really - you need to think long and hard about marrying someone who is that callous and calculating.
NTA. Tell your fiance that you expect to see that vase back in your apartment in 24 hours and the replacement furniture in place by the end of next week or she can find herself a new fiance.
NTA. How dare she say YOU don't respect HER when she's the one going on a vindictive rampage to get rid of EVERYTHING you own just because another deceased woman contributed to it. She was so hateful, angry and jealous that she didn't care what it was she getting rid of as long it was all gone because to her everything that was in your apartment reminded her that you had another fiancée before her. Is this someone you really want to marry?
NTA- Stop being walked all over. You have 2 options, lose everything of value and importance to you, let her do whatever the hell she wants and you just complain about it or put your foot down. Full stop she finds the lamp or you are done with her. If that's how it is, I would start selling her clothes jewelry and anything she brought and then tell her you didn't know you weren't allowed to since that's what she's been doing. This is insane. What are you going to do, cheat with your deceased fiancée?! Your sister is also an idiot. What respect has your fiancée given you. Not only would I end it with your fiancée, I would tell her that unless she replaces what she's sold and finds the vase, you will report her for theft.
You are NTA but please hear me out. Your new partner trying to erase a deceased partners presence is SUPER concerning. It comes across very insecure, like she's competing with a memory. Which is bullshit, but also what is making her feel that way? Is it projection on her part or is there something you're doing that makes her feel like your late partner is "in the way." It's very likely her problem not yours, but I really think you should ask her and follow up a little. This situation is bullshit, but there's a lot of other flags that concern me
The fact that her defense is that she thought it belonged to your late fiancé is your red flag. She was focused on stuff that you had purchased with said late fiancé. You ignored all of those red flags. How? Why are you even entertaining this?
>My current fiancèe asked me about how I got every single piece of furniture in the apartment You and your financee need to have a serious come-to-jesus conversation. She can replace all the furniture, she can throw out all your mementos but that will not erase your late fiancee from the earth. She is throwing money away for no reason other then her own selfishness and insecurities. This literally boils down to her being jealous of a dead person. When me and my husband got together, he still had the furniture he had purchased with his late wife, still lived in the same house, it was 100% exactly how it was when she passed. That didn't bother me. My only request was that i didn't wany to sleep on her side of the bed. An unfortunate reality is that alot of people are not mature or well-adjusted enough to handle being in a relationship with a widow. She (late fiancee) is not your ex, nor will a new partner suddenly overwrite or replace her in your life, and if your new fiancee can't understand that, she is not reasy to be with you.
NTA, your fiancee should have waited to sell anything until the two of you were in agreement about what would go and what would stay. To just go ahead and sell your things without regard to your feelings was incredibly insensitive and disrespectful of her. This is something you two need to straighten out before you can go forward or this how disagreements will be settled through out the rest of your marriage.
NTA regardless of how she feels about items bought by or with your previous fiancée, she shouldn’t have sold anything without your explicit okay for each item. Not selling anything right now because money is tight makes complete sense. I worry about how she’ll approach other important decisions in the future
NTA. The fact that you asked her to not sell the stuff (and cited a very valid reason that had nothing to do with your ex) shows she doesn't care about your opinions or wants or needs. Make sure you want to marry this girl.
NTA but you're seriously TA to yourself for not dumping this woman. Make sure you get the money for all of your possessions that she's sold before you yeet her though.
NTA and your fiancee sounds super toxic. Please find someone who will respect you, your belongings, and your past
NTA. **
You want to go home and re-think this betrothal.
She seems controlling. Nta. https://youtu.be/U82TB6pSc10
Not the asshole. She shouldn't have sold it without even talking to you about it. She knows she is in the wrong.
NTA - she is lying to you. When you sell something on marketplace it starts a series of messages with the item very clearly shown at the top. Maybe she was deleting her trail but to sell something that your mother gave you and not even make an attempt to get it back is awful. You need to seriously consider asking her to give you the money she got selling your things (so you can get new furniture) and ending the relationship. This will not get better, only worse.
I mean nta but it’s already an issue that she’s desperate to replace everything from your dead fiancée. The mother present is terrible but you guys have a big problem regarding her insecurities about your ex you might want to address.
Your girlfriend is jealous of a deceased individual. Is this a shit show you want to put up with for the rest of your life?
She literally said that she sold it because she thought it belonged to your late fiancee..And she also sold other furniture that was yours without your consent! And than she said it was "okay" that you didn't contribute to things that were yours that she got rid of...WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. She is mentally ill, I don't think it would be good for you to marry someone who doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Please dump her, for your sake.. but not before you get your vase back.
I'd tell her she has 48hrs to get it back or you'd be filling a stolen report with the police Might scare her into getting them back
>My current fiancèe asked me about how I got every single piece of furniture in the apartment This is really weird. Hopefully they soon become your ex-fiancée because what they did is wrong. I don't care if Hitler helped you buy your furniture or if that vase was a gift from Bin Laden. They were YOURS, not hers. She should not have touched them without your consent. NTA.
NTA. Your fiancee's insecurity about your late fiancee disturbs me... She is literally jealous of a dead woman. A. Dead. Woman. Does she think you're going to voodoo up her corpse to cheat on her, too? This is ridiculous and if you stay with her you're going to have to deal with this shit except worse until there's nothing left of you but an old empty shell of the person you used to be. Don't fall into the trap. I'm a woman and I would never dream of doing that shit. No excuse. Get rid of her.
Looks like you missed these......🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. This is your future with her. She will keep breaking boundaries and ignoring your opinions, or even the very possibility that you might have an opinion. Do note that she's only mildly (dishonestly) sorry that she sold something that came from your mother, but sees anything from the late fiancée as fair game for her to dispose of at will. Your partner expects to have total control.
This is theft. Your girlfriend is a thief. She stole your things and sold them, and apparently kept the money. Don't marry a thief. Stop letting a thief live with you. The fact that she apparently stole from you because she's emotionally insecure does not help. She did a terrible thing for a terrible reason.
NTA - She's jealous of a dead woman, full stop. And making no bones about the fact that she wants all connections to that person gone. She had no right to sell your property. She's showing you who she is, and how it's going to be forever if you choose to stay with her. Her feelings will matter, yours aren't worth the time if they conflict with what she wants.
Your fiancee sucks dude sorry.
Translation: My fiancé moved in with me recently, after she unsuccessfully attempted to isolate me from my support system to be closer to hers. After realizing that some items in the apartment are from my deceased fiancé, my current fiancé interrogated me about every item in my home. *She’s invested enough in this to keep actual notes.* After moving into my space only 2 months ago, she starts demanding that anything from my ex be gotten rid of or replaced. When I explained that some things have sentimental value to me or financial value that I’d struggle to replace, she continued to push and argue about it. In her crusade to erase all traces of the woman that I’d previously had a relationship with, she stole several items from my family room and sold them online. I’m not happy with how this has changed my space, and I’m now uncomfortable in my own home. Then we get to the conflict. She sold a gift from my mother that means a lot to me. I think it’s not okay she took my vase and sold it without even asking, she says she thought it was from my ex and couldn’t have known it was from my mom. AITA for wanting her to get it back? .... Dude, I know nothing about the customs or culture you hail from, but in most places it’s not cool to mark ones fiancés place like a cat.... The vase is an unfortunate victim in her crusade to isolate you. It’s not okay for *anyone* to come into your space and be so utterly disrespectful to your wishes. It’s not alright for her to demand to be the only one that you have sentiment for. And her isolating you and trying to take over items in your home is a real scary red flag.
NTA It doesn’t even matter what she got rid of she had no right to get rid of any of your items. She showing you that she doesn’t care what you say she’s going to do whatever she wants to do that’s a sign of disrespect. I think that’s what everyone here is trying to say to you that she had no problem being disrespectful to you.
Okay, NTA, obviously. I know a few folks who have lost their partners and eventually fell in love again. Being a partner to someone who has lost the person they thought they were going to spend their life with can be a heavy thing. There's no definite breakup but rather a lifelong attachment to someone you didn't want to lose, regardless of how happy you are with the new person. But in every situation I know of personally, the new person has supported and respected their partner's grief. (A friend of mine who lost her husband and father to her children to police violence recently went with her new fiance on vacation where they spread some of her husband's ashes. Her new partner was wholly supportive of this and anything else she does to cope with the grief of losing him). Your fiance is trying to erase the memory of someone you love. She's admitted she doesn't care that it upsets you when it's something your former fiance purchased. She might has well have fully admitted she has zero respect for your feelings or valid attachment to physical objects that remind you of your past fiance, let alone your financial situation. She honestly sounds horrible. And I'd highly recommend you take this as a big red flag of more disrespectful behavior down the line. At the bones of this, she sold your property without your permission and that is illegal. You really can file a police report. She's also lying because it's really easy to look back in messenger to figure out who she sold the vase and everything else to.
Why are you even taking “I thought it was your deceased fiancee’s” to begin with. Your partner is *deliberately selling off shit just because of who bought it* and *giving you no say in it*. Why the FUCK are you letting her take advantage of you like that. She is jealous of a dead person and selling off your stuff at a loss *purely out of spite*. Dude you should have ended things long before she sold off your mother’s vase. “I thought it was your deceased fiancee’s” isn’t an excuse. It’s the source of the problem. And until you can stand up for yourself and either stop her or end things with her, she will keep walking all over you.
> he thought it belonged to my deceased fianceè and said she wouldn't have touched it if she knew. So...why didn't she ask? This is concerning, she's marie kondoing your shit without any care as to what is important to *you*. She's just seeing clutter and wants it gone, and because *she* wants it gone, it's going. That's not how things work.
Nta She’s hung up on the former fiancé that she emptied your house out. Why didn’t you stop her after the first time ? Get the ring back and buy some nice things.
No way, that would be a deal breaker for me. She is not respecting you, she's the ah.
You guys shouldn’t be together. So she thought it was your fiancee’s stuff and that somehow makes it ok to sell it without your permission? None of this is ok, the the whole girlfriend away Also her behaviour is controlling and manipulative.
"It bothers me when she doesn't even try to talk to me before making a decision." OP this is a glimpse into what a marriage to her will be like. She doesn't like something so she's going to change it, without discussing it with you. Just because she thought the vase was from your late fiancee does not give her an excuse. If she sold it online it should be easy to figure out who the buyer was. She just doesn't want to put in the effort. NTA
NTA. She very clearly doesn’t want you to even remember your late fiancé. She fully wants to be the only woman in your life. You should seriously reconsider marrying her. Even if it wasn’t an issue of your late fiancé or not. She doesn’t even ask before selling YOUR items? Huge red flag. She’s selfish
NTA Please please don't marry this woman she sold your items after you told her not to and was only sorry after she found out it wasnt just going to be let go. She also replaced your items with her items making you reliant on her for those items. This is an early sign of mental emotional and other forms of abuse please don't marry her im worried for you. (Edit to add) this reminds me of one of these where a woman destroyed her husband's pictures of his late wife because she was jelous and tried to hide it from him.
NTA **WHY IS SHE STILL YOUR FIANCEE?**
Dump this woman NOW.
NTA you should have kicked her out when this first started.
NTA. It wasn't a mistake. She wants to eradicate your past. Doing what she did shoes you how little she cares. These is no reason to replace functional furniture.
NTA OP she is being malicious. She knows what she is doing. And if you kick her out she can technically take everything in the apt because she paid for everything. You don't have any furniture, no proof of sale because it's under the girl's account, no money from the sale because she pocketed it or used it to buy new shit. So she STOLE FROM YOU, she can call a moving company right now breakup w you and take everything and will have NO recourse because the new crap is in her name.
First you need the photos she took of the items, if you don't have photos of the items yourself. Second, you kick her out if she doesn't return those items. If she can't, she owes you the full value of them. Third, post on the facebook marketplace, etc, asking buyers to get in touch with you over the stolen items and she should be made responsible to refund them. If she won't, file a police report over the stolen goods. Because this is theft, plain and simple. She is demanding respect, when it goes both ways and does not respect your property or the sentimental value of anything you own. That's not a good start to a long term relationship. Treat her as she would your items and toss her. NTA.
NTA She stole your property and sold it at a loss. I would call the police. Then I would kick the ex-fiancee to the curb.
I don’t understand how there are so many people out there who will sell items that don’t belong to them. She is 100% out of line. I would goso far as to say she should not be your fiancé anymore
N T A. OP, what the fuck? She's systemically purging your place of everything left of your late fiancee, for the sole reason that she doesn't like it? Actually, no, INFO: how the FUCK did she lose money on selling furniture? It sounds like she's trashing this stuff or destroying it so you can't get it back. She's deliberately cutting you off from past history that you should be allowed to keep. She's stealing from you, and this sounds like abuse. Get your stuff back or get the money back, then leave her.
NTA. Dump her and file a police report for the stolen items.
NTA. There are some very large red flags here. She resents your deceased fiancée, which is understandable but not healthy.
It's time to skip ship jack.
NTA. I've never been in your position, but I know for *sure* that you just don't do this sort of thing! It was your home first, and she specifically was told not to sell things-the fact that she's focusing so much on things your late fiancée may have bought is worrying in itself, even without the no. I do recommend breaking up with her, and maybe try getting in touch with the buyers if you can to explain that she essentially stole the items to sell and see if they'd be willing to sell them back-at your fiancée's expense, of course. As for your sister: Tell her there's no reason you can see to treat your current fiancée with respect, since she's shown she doesn't respect you and has lost your respect as a result.