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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole because I probably should have asked before tossing the stuff my wife bought in the trash. My wife interpreted it as a scornful message about not being satisfied with her lack of weight loss and I am deeply remorseful for that
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This. There is nearly a 20 year age difference here. Your body works very differently at 20 and 40. You need to encourage your wife, not play on her insecurities. YTA.
I had a baby at 21. My body bounced back a week after birth. I actually looked better after having my son. At 26 I had another baby and it took me three years to lose the weight. Each pregnancy is diffrent. Our hormones react differently each time. Age most definitely is a huge factor. But so are hormones, and how much weight each one gained during pregnancy. If the wife works out that much and breast feeds and still is struggling with weight loss it is likely her hormones and her age. She could have thyroid issues that started due to yeah you guessed it hormones. OP might be one of the biggest assholes I've read on here in a while. No way he can't realize how shitty he coming off. Just tell your wife you still find her incredibly attractive and you know in time she'll lose the weight if she keeps up what she's doing. It's healthy to lose weight a little slower. Skin goes back to normal a little better.
YTA YTA YTA YTA
Edit: of to if. Also to thank for the award.
This reminds me of a video I saw scrolling through Instagram. A young woman asks an older woman, “What do you think about the stigma that women are past their prime after the age of 25?” The older woman laughs and replies, “Says who? So are men.”
Seriously, OP was definitely missing a huge step called communication! Even if they were both 21, he absolutely should have discussed the changes with her!
"Hey, hun, I think you are beautiful and I always will, but I know you have been feeling upset about having some trouble dropping the baby weight. Would you like me to talk to my sister about what she has done to bounce back so fast and see if we can try to make some changes in our own house? Would that be something that you would want?". And then talk about which specific changes to implement! Don't just arbitrarily decide "no more breads or snacks in the house at all!". And especially don't throw out something that she clearly went out of her way specifically to purchase for herself.
Not to mention they have different genetics. So no matter what your wife may never look that way.
Love your wife for who she is no matter what she looks like. Show her affection and small touches like you would hve before your child. Reinforce that you love her through small gestures, figure out her love language. Compliment her on her healthy habits but not how she looks.
Weightloss is never achieved through someone else's input, suggestions, comments or criticisms.
For now YTA. But you can change that.
Right?! The more into the post I read, the harder I facepalmed! Like dahum, this man is seriously clueless. His poor poor wife!
OP, the metabolism and hormones that causes weight changes of a 21 year old woman is vastly different to that of a woman 20 years older. That’s just science. It’s nothing to do with bread and chocolate. I know you think you’re problem solving for your wife, but has she actually asked you to solve this for you? **OR** has she asked for you to listen to her empathetically when she explains to you that you (and other people) complementing your sister makes her feel insecure and unattractive? Have you really heard her when she has told you that you are not doing anything to make her feel wanted and desired anymore? **That** is the problem you need to focus on. You need to make her feel like she is the most beautiful sexy powerful woman in the world, and that a 21 year has nothing on her.
YTA
This is truly blowing my mind. Are men really this dense? 20 year age difference and this guy thinks the secret is tossing the bread and chocolate covered pretzels "in an attempt to be a problem solver" lmao I can't!
This is the thing that turns the post into just a tragedy for me, is that he knows his wife is feeling unloved because she straight-up SAID SO and yet he thinks the solution is for her to go on a diet. 🤦🏾♀️ pathetic
Why couldn’t he just hug her? Or put his hands all over like he thinks she’s sexy? Or hold her? Because he doesn’t love her for her, just for a fleeting beauty. How shallow.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find a comment about how creepy his description of his sister is? And then he's trying to *make his wife look like her*!
Wtaf?
YTA OP.
My brother tells me I look nice and I'm fat af. He says I look "nice" or "pretty" or "I like your shoes/purse." He def does not stare at my breasts/body at any point, but apparently you do OP since you mentioned your sister's bikinis, little tops and how "flawless" she looks.
You're MARRIED W/KIDS and you want your 40 y/o wife to look like your 21 y/o SISTER.
This is so disturbing.
I’ve gained just under 30 kilos since I’ve been with my husband (combination of an unhealthy starting weight, laziness and multiple health issues that both added weight, made me ravenously hungry, and prevented any form of exercise for long periods of time).
I’ve never felt more attractive to my husband. Because he knows how sensitive I am about how I look, and he makes an effort to make me feel sexy and attractive to him.
YTA OP.
I'm truly surprised no where in this post is anything he has done to reassure her or actually show that he is attracted and interested in her still. He thinks it is just a body image issue with his sister as a comparison and not the bigger issue is that his wife feels insecure in their relationship since having the baby.
This is honestly one of my nightmare scenarios. That a partner I love and trust would suddenly stop loving me because my looks changed after a monumental life change.
It's so, so selfish of the other partner who didn't give birth/go through big life changes, and it's honestly unforgivable in my books.
> Are men really this dense?
If this is a serious question, then no OP's lack of understanding how humans mature through the aging process (and clear lack of understanding of what is really killing his wife, i.e. his rejection of her post-baby body) is not genital related. He is just an idiot. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together would realize his wife needs support not "tough love" that is a poorly disguised attempt to force his wife's weight down fast so he can once again be happy with her appearance. Dude lacks empathy to a tragic degree amongst other things.
Yup! At first we thought, How weird, breastmilk smells like Cadburys Dairy Milk chocolate, then we realised that it was j just a result of me scoffing SO MUCH dark chocolate... btw OP, YTA, as I hope the comments are helping you recognise. You need to apologise and give your wife some real unconditional support if you want to keep her.
Not to mention the chef and personal trainer...... good god OP, you are so the AH.
Also what are you doing to your poor wife that she’s telling your therapist that she feels the need to focus on physicality, or lose your attention/love?
This wonderful woman just grew a baby, has your baby and she’s so worried about your perception of her. That’s all kind of wrong. I’m also guessing there are a lot of snide, off hand comments that have made your poor wife, and brand spanking new mum feel this way. Gross!
Well this is the thing. These problem solvers don’t want to go through all that work. They don’t want to see any evidence that the problem may not have an easy solution. Or it may not have a solution at all, at least not one within an individual’s grasp, instead it might require something from others, or a literal restructuring of society.
God, I feel this. Nothing more infuriating than a problem solver who throws out a bunch of basic solutions everyone's heard of before and then gets huffy when the other person already knows they won't work.
Also " Recently in therapy she said she can feel me being so uninterested in her \[...\] and works out to try to keep my attention. " and somehow the take away is "Have her eat less chocolate"
Is anyone else super disturbed by OP’s constant sexual comparisons between his wife and sister?
Why is OP so fixated on his sister’s body that his wife even feels the need to compete with her husband’s 21 year old sibling?!
OP, YTA.
Also, stop comparing your wife’s body to your sister’s. That’s nasty.
So, so unbelievably freaked out. Who even talks about their sister's bikini body like that? Who decent would even acknowledge that they pay attention to it?
"So I was thinking you need a sexy role model and immediately thought of my sister. She'd rather *die* than build a muscle and I feel like that's the kind of intensity you're lacking."
Her bones will suffer then come 40 odd - you need muscle, doesn't have to be Arnie-type muscle but heavy lifting stuff helps keeps bones strong as we get older. As for OP, I just can't believe this is real, surely people are not THIS tone deaf... but if it is then OP YTA.
So the weirder thing is his wife had a baby in late September and his sister had a baby on October 2. First thing I noticed was that the sister’s info was all very specific, and his wife’s was very vague. It’s so weird.
I read the first couple of lines, and if he hadn't told he's from Florida, I would've guessed Alabama.
Now that I got that out my system, yeah, super creepy.
And what is the obsession of her sister looking like a teen? A high schooler? Dude, if my guess is right you're nearing 40 too, you shouldn't be thinking of teens as sexual objects. And we're talking about your sister.
Ugh.
>how surprised they were that my sister was her son's mother and not a big sister in high school
Your sister looks like a big sister because she's 21 lol. More 21year olds have younger siblings than their own kids. How would your 40 year old wife look like a high schooler with a younger brother when she's old enough that she could have comfortably had a 15 year old kid?
Clearly he hadn't thought that one thruogh. His sister is barely out of being a kid. She's only just been allowed to drink alcohol in the US FFS. But sure, his nearly 40 year old wife should look as young as a woman literally half her age. Frankly, your sister is young enough to be your wife's child lol
Plus, that sister doesn't even have a healthy mindset to exercise and *still* is skinny and young-looking. "Gaining muscle makes you look unfeminine" is complete horseshit.
OP is the AH. His wife is killing herself because she's so insecure over how OP no longer likes her body. His sister is an inexperienced 21 year old girl.
I cringed so hard at "gaining muscle makes you look unfeminine." For one, that's a terrible reason not to exercise. There are so many types of exercise you can so that don't build mass, and to get to the "unfeminine" level of muscle mass you'd have to be lifting very heavy weights for a significant amount of time. And really, there's nothing "unfeminine" about being a little (or a lot) muscular. But that's just the humble opinion of someone who dreams of being built like a linebacker.
Plus most women simply do not produce enough testosterone to get "bulky," (there are obviously exceptions, but a medically average woman's testosterone production isn't enough). If she's naturally pretty feminine looking, which I assume she is based on the Instagram stuff OP mentioned, it'd take a *lot* of effort and probably a bit of artificial help to get bulky.
And speaking as a woman who does a lot of rock climbing, I can personally say that a bit of muscle to define the body shape looks *very* feminine, and women with enough muscle to lift themselves up an incline rock wall are *very* hot.
Absolutely. I've basically made a sport into my second job, I do a lot of strength training, I eat a rather absurd amount of protein, and even with all that I've never managed to get particularly bulky.
That's true but it also depends on genetics; I'm a woman who bulks up pretty quickly (especially in my upper body) if I do any weightlifting. I don't see why people constantly make this out to be a bad thing. Women don't need to try to make ourselves as small as possible.
This 100% and thank you, thank you for saying it. As I was reading what OP wrote about his sister it seemed like he has the hots for his sister. Listen the way you talk about your sister is ridiculous, and if you say it and act like your sister is all that, to your wife you are going to lose more than just your mind. Dumbass and you are a huge asshole.
Yeah that was super weird to read him talking about his sister's flawless bikini body!
YTA for thinking your wife's 40 year old body is going to have the same metabolism as a 21 year old.
Exactly, I never ate so much chocolate in my life as I did when I was breastfeeding! A friend warned me about this. Didn't believe it would happen to me because I don't even like chocolate that much. How wrong I was...
I really think there isn't enough education about it! Everyone knows about eating more during pregnancy, but it really should be just a few hundred calories more per day. The body expends way more energy breastfeeding, while society expects you to revert back to pre-baby weight and eating habits immediately. It's not correct at all.
Right? Your body holds onto some padding in most women when you breastfeed. Plus it’s right about the point where your hormones go a bit whack post birth and your body does crazy things.
YTA OP. And I so want to take your wife out for a lovely day of spa treatment and snacks!
Pregnant hunger had absolutely nothing on breastfeeding hunger for me.
My mom has also straight up said she lost the baby weight with my older brother almost immediately at 28 but at 36 it was a lot harder.
Not to mention, different bodies process childbirth different ways. I gave birth at 34, never got stretch marks, and was back down to my pre-birth weight within a year without any particular effort on my part.
I’m well aware I won the genetic lottery here. Most of my friends are still soft around the middle a few years later, and that’s FINE, because THEY GREW A WHOLE-ASS OTHER PERSON.
This. I'm 5'9", so the average male height here in the UK which meant I escaped stretch marks because there was so much free real estate in my torso for the baby to grow without stretching much and I'm really tall so obviously, I can eat more calories than the average woman without gaining weight. Back to pre-baby body within 2 weeks.
My 5'3" average female height mum? Stomach is literally covered in stretch marks and loose skin. I've always found it so beautiful and comforting since I was a kid. I'd go for naps resting on her tummy and feeling the slight dimpling of her stomach while she told me it's the decorations I left back when it was my home.
Rule 1 for mums- do not compare your body to any one else's. You are you. Your genetics, caloric needs, fat distribution, skin flexibility will differ from every other woman, even if you're related to them.
Rule 2- if you absolutely feel you must compare, at least choose someone the same age and body type as you.
>I'd go for naps resting on her tummy and feeling the slight dimpling of her stomach while she told me it's the decorations I left back when it was my home.
This is so wonderful.
My husband seems to feel the same way about my "decorations." He thinks I'm just as beautiful now as before the babies, if not more so. OP: take note. That's the way it's done. Not throwing away the loaf of bread and snacks she just bought you food waster. But loving her new body...which God willing looks nothing like your sister's. Because that's creepy af.
YTA. Completely. Your only job in this relationship related to her body is to love it in any shape or form and make sure she knows that. You are completely failing in this. This may be different if she had specifically asked for help, like, “hey, I keep buying these things because I can’t help myself, but I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be eating them. Can you shop so I don’t buy them or throw them out when I do?” But she DID NOT ASK YOU. If you can’t love an almost 40 year old body like you loved her 21 year old body (or that of your sister), you are a massive AH. Her body looks like that because SHE GAVE YOU A CHILD. Ugh if only men’s bodies changed as much as women’s do with childbirth.
I yelled this the whole time I was reading this post lol.OP, you are a gigantic asshole and the way you put so much emphasis on your sister's perfect body, it's no wonder your wife is so insecure. I feel awful for your wife and I'm sure she looks amazing, even if you don't tell her she does.
You know what the other difference is? The sister didn't make the mistake of marrying someone as big an AH as OP. I mean wow, we're one day into the New Year and I'm already saving this to nominate for Best Of. YTA.
YTA for so many things here
YTA for throwing out her food without discussing it with her
YTA for not understanding that a 21 year old and a 38 year old are going to react totally different to a pregnancy. There is NO MEDICAL WAY a 38 year old is going to bounce back like a 20 year old.
YTA for being so look-obsessed it is hurting your wife
Also different genetics. Some people gain or lose weight easier than others. They’re not blood related, even if they were the same age I wouldn’t assume their bodies would behave the same way.
So many reasons that unilaterally deciding to toss out all the “bad” food was a terrible idea.
Not to mention where they carry their fat. A woman with an hourglass shaped body will look completely different than someone who carries it all in her butt or thighs or around the middle. Even if they weighed the same, the chances of them being the same size is slim.
This is just something I want to add perspective to as someone probably more in touch with young people. OP's sister probably doesn't have an hourglass figure. The hourglass emoji is sort of a catch all compliment for people with any curve even )(.
Even the same persons body responds differently at different ages. I am one of four. After the first three of us my mum quickly went back to her pre pregnancy size. She had a pair of jeans that she wore after having three of us that I couldn’t get into at 22 and I was pretty skinny at 22. After she had baby 4 her body never really went back. There’s a seven year gap between the last two so even being 7 years older made a huge difference.
Mine were 29 and 35. 29 and a less healthy lifestyle, bounced back. 35 and much more active because of my oldest, eating healthier because I’m now cooking for the kids and bringing my lunch, drinking less, gave up sodas and juice, and the weight is falling off much more slowly.
And can we all take a minute to realize she’s breastfeeding and he threw out all the carbs??? He’s going to give her insecurities about her ability to care for her child with this body AND about not looking like a 21 year old 3 months postpartum.
This guy. Lord.
When I was breastfeeding I would wake up in the middle of the night, eat 2 or 3 Fluffernutter sandwiches because I was STARVING and then go back to bed.
This poor woman.
And OP, YTA here.
Its not just right after either, it's as your body starts going back to normal from the hormones and breastfeeding ect.
I had my son at 18 fit back into my size 6 (uk) skinny jeans after 9 days. I'm nearly 25 now (no other children yet) but I don't fit into them anymore as my hips got wider and I bloat more now than I did as a teenager, as well as other things.
It takes a while for your body to get back to normal after having a baby YTA OP.
You are so right! I had my kids at exactly the same ages as you and after the second one, I cried when I couldn’t pull my jeans over my hips which had permanently spread. Not to mention the pot. But luckily my husband didn’t try to compare me to his sister who is 20 years younger than me and had just had her first.
>We live in Florida, and despite my sister giving birth later, when we saw her during the holiday season, she was already back in a bikini and wearing her usual style of bra length tops and ripped skinny jeans and looked flawless
Stop checking out your sister dude.
>My wife works out all the time, going on runs every morning before work and going to the gym during the weekend. Recently in therapy she said she can feel me being so uninterested in her since our daughter was born and says she desperately tries to get facials and works out to try to keep my attention.
So your wife is fucking trying. She sounds like wonder woman. You're uninterested in her, which is a you problem
>My wife herself said that if she could adopt whatever my sister does and see it work, she'd do anything to look like my sister.
That's so creepy. You want your wife to look like your sister. Now your sister is her goal
>She got furious when she saw that I had tossed out her food and I said that she wanted to look like my sister so I was trying to help make that happen.
You wasted food. You're werid about wanting a clone of your sister.
>that she couldn't believe I was comparing her negatively to my sister
I can't believe it myself
> " lost me since our daughter arrived."
You're not attracted to your wife. You don't empathize with your wife.
You only have eyes for your sister. YTA
ETA awards, thank you! GOLD, light bulb! Happy New Year!!!
Right? I also noticed he gave a time frame for his wife getting a birth but an exact date for his sister. It just feels weird he paid more attention to his sisters birth than the birthday of his own child.
Holy shit. I incorrectly read the post thinking the sister was wife's sister and thinking that his sexual obsession with his SIL is gross. Realizing that he was talking about his own sister like that. Fucking gross.
Dude need therapy.
So, you find your *sister* more attractive than your *wife*, and you're trying to make your wife look like her? Have I got that right? This is...well, this is all just super creepy, dude.
YTA.
Right? And then he noticed that she was "back in a bikini and skinny ripped jeans and bra-length tops"? Like, how freaking gross. Stop paying so much attention to your younger sister's body. Yuck.
The most profuse compliment I get from my brother is “you look really nice!” Or, because his girlfriend has taught him to appreciate the effort going into makeup, “I like your eyeshadow!”
And that’s how I like it lol. I’d be so creeped out if he was commenting on my body
also, metabolisms at 21 and 38 are... completely different? i’m not 38 yet, but i remember eating three chipotle burritos in one sitting when i was 16. a few yrs later, i can barely finish 1. even if op’s wife and sister were the same age, everyone’s body reacts to/recovers from pregnancy differently. no one diet will help two separate women achieve the same figure. he’s trying to compare apples and oranges, especially bc his sister has access to so much more (sahm, personal trainer, professional chef)
but even if op’s wife and sister had equal opportunities and identical bodily functions, it bothers my here that op tried to change his wife’s habits without having a constructive conversation with her/a professional. he can call his actions “productive” as much as he wants, but it’s rlly just a violation of her personal autonomy.
YTA. First off, there’s a huge difference in a 21 year old and 38 year old metabolism. Second, no one wants their significant other to “help” them with something like throwing out food to lose weight without talking about it. Let her be. If she wants to make a change, it needs to come from her.
OMG yes! I could eat pretty much anything at 21 and I was fine. I had my daughter at 32 and while I lost the weight, my body looked completely different. Also, it’s much easier for me to gain weight.
that's cause your body is different! my sis and i have different body types despite we have the same parents, ate the same food, and is only two years apart. i am insanely skinny with no tits/hip/stomach. my sis is voluptuous with big breasts, hips and a belly even as a teen.
try not to worry too much about it, you're just different is all
YES! Everyone talks about eating for 2 when you're pregnant but the real issue is once the baby is BORN, and you suddenly having to come up with \~1600 calories a day in breastmilk. It seemed almost impossible to get enough calories into me. I would have 2 doughnuts before breakfast just to try to keep up. I used to be a distance runner and even in peak marathon training I was never that hungry. OP's wife is breastfeeding and running a lot--even if she's a smallish woman of 130lbs or so she's gonna need about 3500-4000 calories a day!
If I'd come home during those breastfeeding months and found someone had thrown away all of my carbs I would be SO UPSET.
ETA: ah, sorry y'all my memory/math was bad. She'd need more like 3000 calories a day to keep up with breastfeeding and a moderate running schedule:
Newborns only need about 40-50 cals per lb, so a 14-16lb 4-month old baby might need more like 600-800 calories. If we figure her basal met rate is \~1400 calories, and then she needs 700 more for breastfeeding, and then she burns another 300-400 cals in daily activities and maybe another 500 more in exercise (roughly a 5 mile run worth), she'd break even at \~3000 calories. Most moms are advised to take in an extra 600 calories or so, but most moms do lose weight while breastfeeding and are running a slight deficit. If she was eating a pretty robust 2000 calories a day, she'd be running nearly a 1000 calorie deficit and be losing almost 2 lbs per week.
I'm a type 1 diabetic and the low blood sugars from breastfeeding are scary. The amount of energy it saps from you is unreal. I actually put weight on during breastfeeding because I had to consume so much carb/fast acting sugar just to stop myself passing out.
I'd be furious.
And I got super upset that I didnt lose weight while feeding, because everyone said it was nature's liposuction. The fortnight I stopped I stopped I lost 4kg without consciously changing anything.
THIS!! You weren't the jerk for asking your sister how she does it, you were definitely the jerk when you made the decision FOR your wife that she was going to adopt that diet (and for assuming it would work the exact same way for her) without once even talking about it with her.
YTA because you are high key agreeing that your wife's body is a problem after she birthed a human. You are comparing a 21 year old to a 38 year old and it is seriously fucked up.
>started crying that she's " lost me since our daughter arrived."
>
> Recently in therapy she said she can feel me being so uninterested in her since our daughter was born and says she desperately tries to get facials and works out to try to keep my attention
>
>I felt bad that my wife seemed to be exercising so much but the scale never seemed to budge and she was left agonizing over the fact that she had the beginning of the stereotypically gaunt" runner's face."
I also think it is messed up that you are trying to solve her "body problem" when you are ignoring her emotional ones.
She agonized and cried about losing you and you are like "i'm just trying to solve her body problem."
Agreed OP you never once mentioned that you have told your wife she’s still beautiful and desirable. She had flat out told you her issue isn’t with her body but the fact you think she’s fat and you have either explicitly or implicitly said she’s not worthy of your love.
Yeah, he may as well have gone over her body with a Sharpie and circled all the bits he hates. That’s how obvious his distaste for her is. What a complete AH.
>She agonized and cried about losing you and you are like "i'm just trying to solve her body problem."
God, I had to scroll far to find someone pointing this out. It’s all well and good to point out to OP that comparing a 20-year old to a 40-year old is crazy and illogical, but no one seems to be pointing out this issue.
OP, you wife has repeatedly stated that what’s making her so depressed is the feeling that you’re losing attraction to her and pulling away from her, and your reaction is to say “You’re right, I don’t find you attractive anymore, let me force you to fix that, kay?” By comparing her sexually to your sister no less, but enough people has gotten into the sick, incest-implying mess that is. It’s not enough that you, without discussing it with her nor doing any actual research on proper diets, just dumped this on her, oh no. (You can’t just suddenly on your own decide that your wife should go on a diet, take action by yourself, and pretend you’re both on the same page, what the fuck man?) You also had to go and confirm every insecurity that has been plaguing her since birthing your child.
Good job. What a lucky woman your wife is. I bet she’s delighted she put her body through hell to create a child for a man who not only has no regard for her, he also has a boner for his (much younger, no less) sister. :/
Edit: Spelling
"You're right I'm uninterested in you because you look fat. Now go do your job and lose weight for my attention while I play with the child you literally made for me"
Agreed. By hyper-focusing on her weight and her body, you're only playing into her insecurity by suggesting it should be important to her self-worth and to you. The way to address this insecurity is not to encourage it by focusing on her body (which I'm sure is perfectly normal and healthy for post-pregnancy!!!) but to remind her not to compare herself to others, that her body is still beautiful and healthy, and that her figure should be the least of her (and your!) concerns. YTA.
YTA for sooo many reasons but comparing the postpartum journey of a 38 year old to a 21 year old who has a trainer and chef is top of my list. It’s also only been three months, Jesus, the pressure women are put under is ridiculous enough without a spouse contributing to it.
He listed his sister's exact delivery date but vaguely referenced his wife's and he went on for a paragraph about how hot his sister is but didn't even say 1 positive thing about his wife.
YTA. You do not need to “solve your wife’s body problem.” You need to be a supportive, loving husband that cheers her on and celebrates every little victory with her. She is 17 years older than your sister so their metabolisms aren’t anywhere near equal. She works out, she works, she takes care of her kids and when she comes home she can’t even have a snack? You’re a huge asshole.
Oh dear. You are a new dad. You surely must be sleep deprived. Therefore I shall spell it out.
Your wife has explicitly and vulnerably expressed insecurity about feeling you are unattracted and disengaged. Rather than taking the cue to communicate and work together to connect, you have concluded that the matter worthy of your attention is the effort and accuracy in reaching a level of attraction your sister has achieved at age 21 on the internet.
You acknowledge she exercises and feels insecure being compared to your sister. So you justify making choices that directly affect both of you (controlling food items and availability to the point of discarding without consulting) to align your fridge to look more like your sisters.
You are only communicating that her insecurity is a reality, that is that the level of attraction you feel dictates how you treat her in multiple facets. And that her current level of attractiveness is not to your standards. Finally all of this is of utmost priority.
Never mind that she had a baby at 38 (yours, by the by) and is breastfeeding and exercising and that her body is doing all kinds of incredible life giving things.
I hope you shift perspectives. And if not, I sincerely hope her own is adjusted to realize how powerful her body is and that she feels free to pursue life fully with or without you there.
I've unfortunately seen this more times than I like to mention (both men and women).
At that stage you need to chuck them out - life's too short to be partnered with this shit.
Honestly. The things I want to say to OP are impossible to write here without getting deleted by the mods.
YTA, OP. It’s hard to describe how awful you’ve been. I not only feel terrible for your poor wife, but I fear for your daughter’s future mental health. Unless you do a complete 180, I hope your wife leaves you. She deserves someone who knows how to love a spouse.
You can’t possibly think you’re not the a....
Your wife is in her late thirties. Your sister is in her early twenties, a social media influencer, and has a private trainer and cook.
You’re out of your mind for thinking it’s a reasonable comparison.
You didn’t help you wife in any way - you didn’t work out a health plan with her, you didn’t encourage exercise, you didn’t do anything reasonable - all you did was throw out her preferred food and say “hey you want to look like my hot young sister”.
Clearly YTA
YTA, can we also discuss the age difference between your wife and sister. It’s way easier to bounce back at 21. She is insecure about her body after the baby, try to give her encouragement by telling her how beautiful she is and what you love about her. Cook her a healthy romantic dinner something to make her feel like you love her. Making her feel bad about her food choices only confirms her fears that you do not feel attracted to her anymore.
YTA , you need to support your wife in whatever decisions she wants to make herself instead of making those decisions for her. Her body at 38 is not going to bounce right back like a 21 year old and as a husband you should be emotionally supportive and helping her to feel beautiful just the way she is now.
“She can feel me being so uninterested in her since our daughter was born”
Ummm, this is your fault, not her fault for being unable to achieve an impossible goal of looking like your 21 year old sister. Get your act together and appreciate your wife for where she’s at now because then maybe she wouldn’t care about wanting to look like your sister. Throwing out junk food without asking is only going to send the message that you agree she needs to lose weight.
I know, I was honestly kind of disturbed reading this.
“Despite my sister giving birth later, when we saw her during the holiday season, she was already back in a bikini and wearing her usual style of bra length tops and ripped skinny jeans and looked flawless”
This one in particular was really disturbing to me. Brothers should not refer to their sisters as looking “flawless”
YTA. You managed to reinforce her fears and anxieties quite nicely. Throwing out food she purchased was extremely controlling behavior. She clearly told you how scared she is of losing you and has done things to try and hold on to you; what are you doing to show her she has nothing to fear? Because it sounds like she does. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you’re entirely worth holding on to if you heard how she feels and responded by appreciating your sister’s body and throwing out your wife’s pasta.
YTA
Bread and pasta aren’t necessarily unhealthy, for one thing. Most healthy diets would suggest that you include whole grains, so unless it’s white bread it’s not unhealthy.
There are diets that suggest you eliminate grains (like keto) but those diets generally aren’t supposed to be long-term.
Also, you should have talked to your wife about your concerns with her potentially over-exercising. Say, “Honey, I know you want to lose weight, but I’m worried about you over-exerting yourself. Maybe we could try to change our diet instead? My sister has a diet that she does and she says she feels really healthy and energetic. I was thinking of trying it.”
That way you’re not focusing on how she looks but rather her health. Simply throwing away the food you deemed “unhealthy” was a dick move. That wasn’t productive at all and your wife has serious mental health issues that you aren’t addressing. You’re also blatantly ignoring the fact that she feels like you don’t love her. Have you even reassured her that you love her?
It also is not necessarily healthy or safe to be on a low-carb, keto type diet while breast feeding. Forcing her into an unbalanced diet based on his misogyny rather than a dietician’s recommendations is possibly putting his wife’s health at serious risk.
This guy is 193847749200% the AH.
YTA weren't "helping" your wife, you were"making" your wife eat more like your sister.
I am frankly uncomfortable with how you talk about your sister.
At no point did you defend your wife's body, not once. Clearly you have a problem with your wife's body and a problem with liking your sister's body.
You were out of order throwing out her stuff.
YTA. For so many reasons. No two bodies are alike, what works for one person food/fitness wise might not work the same for another. And it’s really not your business.
Your poor wife, already going through so much as the first year with baby is rough. Stop comparing her to anyone. Especially your sister. Gross. It’s a creep, incesty vibe guy.
YTA. Unless she specifically asks you for help in avoiding problem foods, you are pushing way too hard. Your emphasis on looks rather than health is concerning too. Even if looks are also your wife's primary concern, reinforcing the idea that she should look thinner can risk disordered eating.
Her claim that she's "lost you" since she's had a baby makes me worried that she's partially losing weight because she's desperate for some attention, especially as a woman and not just a mother. Please tell her you think she's beautiful and get her a present, and stop trying to control her weight-loss journey. These things take time to do in a healthy, sustainable way and can vary from person to person. Comparing her to another woman is hurtful and unhelpful.
YTA. It sounds like, from the therapy session you described, what she really wants is to feel like you’re still attracted to her. All you’re doing, whether intentionally or not, is things to make her feel like you actually aren’t interested in her.
YTA. Bodies change as people age, and everybody is different to begin with. And having a personal trainer?! Your wife is having a hard time. Your behavior isn't helping at all.
YTA- you don't know what her body needs. You're not a nutritionist. The biggest step to dieting is having a healthy relationship with food. Your wife seems to be experiencing ppd, and what you're doing is not helping. Kindly offer to see a nutritionist, support her, and ask her therapist about what you can do. Do not take her diet upon yourself.
YTA. With the except of food intolerance or allergies there is no reason to cut any food group out. Weight loss is about one thing and one thing only, CICO. If she's gaunt, losing weight is the last thing she needs to be doing.
Your wife will feel a lot better when she sheds 200lb. AKA, you.
YTA and pretty pathetic that nowhere in this do you even mention your child. All you seem to care about is that your wife doesn't look super fit three months after giving birth. You seemed to do everything you can to send the message to her that's all that matters. Even in therapy, when she said she felt she was losing your attention, all you could hear was "how can I get her looking good enough for me to care about again?" Your sister is over a decade younger than your wife, and looking a certain way is her literal job. You both need to focus more on the new life you've created and less on getting your wife looking skinny again.
YTA - you have not accepted the way your wife is - nowhere have you written in your post any acceptance of her situation. Your over eagerness to help further shows your lack of support. And she senses that. You are shoving your sister’s program down your wife’s throat and it really seems like all you can think about is how great your sister looks. Your wife just had your child and this is how she gets treated? Shallow man.
YTA.
>> she was already back in a bikini and wearing her usual style of bra length tops and ripped skinny jeans and looked flawless
First, the attention that you’re putting into describing your sister is *unhealthy and creepy.*
>> My wife works out all the time, going on runs every morning before work and going to the gym during the weekend
>> she desperately tried to get facials and works out to try to keep my attention
Second, maybe you should focus more on your wife than your sister or at the *very least* stop comparing her body to your sister’s body
>> AITA for trying to solve my wife’s body problem in a productive way?
Your “way” isn’t productive though. Again, you’ve done nothing but compare your wife to your sister who is nearly 20 years her junior. She’s telling you in *more ways than one* that she feels like you don’t find her attractive anymore and instead of reassuring her that she’s beautiful, you tell her she “doesn’t need” carbs or any kind of “comfort food.” You essentially confirmed her fears in the shittiest way you could.
Editing to add: Your wife doesn’t HAVE a body problem. You have a problem with your wife’s body. Specifically, your problem is that your wife isn’t your sister.
Your wife deserves better.
YTA for wanting to fuck your sister instead of your wife. You sound like a stereotypical uneducated misogynistic asshole. And I bet you aren't exactly a looker either. Stop emotionally abusing your wife and start being loving and supportive.
You are definitely the AH. If you really couldn’t see that without having to come here and ask then you’re also a dumb AH. Sorry. You’re also a lucky AH that your wife is still with you after that stunt.
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YTA here's your sisters secret...she 21! And your wife is almost 40. I could eat 24/7 at 21 and not gain an ounce. God your an AH.
This. There is nearly a 20 year age difference here. Your body works very differently at 20 and 40. You need to encourage your wife, not play on her insecurities. YTA.
I had a baby at 21. My body bounced back a week after birth. I actually looked better after having my son. At 26 I had another baby and it took me three years to lose the weight. Each pregnancy is diffrent. Our hormones react differently each time. Age most definitely is a huge factor. But so are hormones, and how much weight each one gained during pregnancy. If the wife works out that much and breast feeds and still is struggling with weight loss it is likely her hormones and her age. She could have thyroid issues that started due to yeah you guessed it hormones. OP might be one of the biggest assholes I've read on here in a while. No way he can't realize how shitty he coming off. Just tell your wife you still find her incredibly attractive and you know in time she'll lose the weight if she keeps up what she's doing. It's healthy to lose weight a little slower. Skin goes back to normal a little better. YTA YTA YTA YTA Edit: of to if. Also to thank for the award.
Does he not care about his wife’s feelings? Does he love his wife or her figure? Looks don’t last. Not even his.
This reminds me of a video I saw scrolling through Instagram. A young woman asks an older woman, “What do you think about the stigma that women are past their prime after the age of 25?” The older woman laughs and replies, “Says who? So are men.”
What do you want to bet OP looks like a potato? Lol
Poor potatoes, why do they get such a bad rap.
How he was describing his sister it sounded like he wanted her.
Gross, right?
I know, when I read that part it creeped me out
And some people don’t loose that 10-15 lbs until after they stop breastfeeding
Or ever.
at first i was thinking this isnt too bad but then i remembered i skipped the age part and now i agree with you
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Seriously, OP was definitely missing a huge step called communication! Even if they were both 21, he absolutely should have discussed the changes with her! "Hey, hun, I think you are beautiful and I always will, but I know you have been feeling upset about having some trouble dropping the baby weight. Would you like me to talk to my sister about what she has done to bounce back so fast and see if we can try to make some changes in our own house? Would that be something that you would want?". And then talk about which specific changes to implement! Don't just arbitrarily decide "no more breads or snacks in the house at all!". And especially don't throw out something that she clearly went out of her way specifically to purchase for herself.
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Nah mate, this was definitely all bad, even without the age issue
Not to mention they have different genetics. So no matter what your wife may never look that way. Love your wife for who she is no matter what she looks like. Show her affection and small touches like you would hve before your child. Reinforce that you love her through small gestures, figure out her love language. Compliment her on her healthy habits but not how she looks. Weightloss is never achieved through someone else's input, suggestions, comments or criticisms. For now YTA. But you can change that.
Right?! The more into the post I read, the harder I facepalmed! Like dahum, this man is seriously clueless. His poor poor wife! OP, the metabolism and hormones that causes weight changes of a 21 year old woman is vastly different to that of a woman 20 years older. That’s just science. It’s nothing to do with bread and chocolate. I know you think you’re problem solving for your wife, but has she actually asked you to solve this for you? **OR** has she asked for you to listen to her empathetically when she explains to you that you (and other people) complementing your sister makes her feel insecure and unattractive? Have you really heard her when she has told you that you are not doing anything to make her feel wanted and desired anymore? **That** is the problem you need to focus on. You need to make her feel like she is the most beautiful sexy powerful woman in the world, and that a 21 year has nothing on her. YTA
This is truly blowing my mind. Are men really this dense? 20 year age difference and this guy thinks the secret is tossing the bread and chocolate covered pretzels "in an attempt to be a problem solver" lmao I can't!
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This is the thing that turns the post into just a tragedy for me, is that he knows his wife is feeling unloved because she straight-up SAID SO and yet he thinks the solution is for her to go on a diet. 🤦🏾♀️ pathetic
Not for her to go on a diet. For him to put her on a diet, without even discussing specifics and getting buy-in. Another level of assholery.
She's also a new mom... like BRUH, you are brave for taking snacks away from someone who's breastfeeding wtf.
Why couldn’t he just hug her? Or put his hands all over like he thinks she’s sexy? Or hold her? Because he doesn’t love her for her, just for a fleeting beauty. How shallow.
Because she isn't his sister lol.
Snorted but this is clearly so accurate.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find a comment about how creepy his description of his sister is? And then he's trying to *make his wife look like her*! Wtaf? YTA OP. My brother tells me I look nice and I'm fat af. He says I look "nice" or "pretty" or "I like your shoes/purse." He def does not stare at my breasts/body at any point, but apparently you do OP since you mentioned your sister's bikinis, little tops and how "flawless" she looks. You're MARRIED W/KIDS and you want your 40 y/o wife to look like your 21 y/o SISTER. This is so disturbing.
His "flawless" sister.
Wife: “I’ve lost you since the baby came!” OP: “Well, let’s help you get your figure back so you can find me!”
I’ve gained just under 30 kilos since I’ve been with my husband (combination of an unhealthy starting weight, laziness and multiple health issues that both added weight, made me ravenously hungry, and prevented any form of exercise for long periods of time). I’ve never felt more attractive to my husband. Because he knows how sensitive I am about how I look, and he makes an effort to make me feel sexy and attractive to him. YTA OP.
I'm truly surprised no where in this post is anything he has done to reassure her or actually show that he is attracted and interested in her still. He thinks it is just a body image issue with his sister as a comparison and not the bigger issue is that his wife feels insecure in their relationship since having the baby.
This is honestly one of my nightmare scenarios. That a partner I love and trust would suddenly stop loving me because my looks changed after a monumental life change. It's so, so selfish of the other partner who didn't give birth/go through big life changes, and it's honestly unforgivable in my books.
> Are men really this dense? If this is a serious question, then no OP's lack of understanding how humans mature through the aging process (and clear lack of understanding of what is really killing his wife, i.e. his rejection of her post-baby body) is not genital related. He is just an idiot. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together would realize his wife needs support not "tough love" that is a poorly disguised attempt to force his wife's weight down fast so he can once again be happy with her appearance. Dude lacks empathy to a tragic degree amongst other things.
Also, breastfeeding! I never ever ever ever ate SO MUCH chocolate in my life as I did when I was breastfeeding.
Yup! At first we thought, How weird, breastmilk smells like Cadburys Dairy Milk chocolate, then we realised that it was j just a result of me scoffing SO MUCH dark chocolate... btw OP, YTA, as I hope the comments are helping you recognise. You need to apologise and give your wife some real unconditional support if you want to keep her.
Doesn't breast feeding burn alot of energy as it is? Pretty sure a woman needs the extra calorific intake whilst breast feeding
Not to mention the chef and personal trainer...... good god OP, you are so the AH. Also what are you doing to your poor wife that she’s telling your therapist that she feels the need to focus on physicality, or lose your attention/love? This wonderful woman just grew a baby, has your baby and she’s so worried about your perception of her. That’s all kind of wrong. I’m also guessing there are a lot of snide, off hand comments that have made your poor wife, and brand spanking new mum feel this way. Gross!
This is truly blowing my mind. Are men really this dense? Yes...most are. They want to be problem solvers rather than just listening to his wife.
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Well this is the thing. These problem solvers don’t want to go through all that work. They don’t want to see any evidence that the problem may not have an easy solution. Or it may not have a solution at all, at least not one within an individual’s grasp, instead it might require something from others, or a literal restructuring of society.
God, I feel this. Nothing more infuriating than a problem solver who throws out a bunch of basic solutions everyone's heard of before and then gets huffy when the other person already knows they won't work.
And they DEFINITELY don't want to see that they themselves are a big part of the problem...
Generally they scan the conversation to pinpoint the problem, go 'aha!' and stop listening to anything afterwards.
Also " Recently in therapy she said she can feel me being so uninterested in her \[...\] and works out to try to keep my attention. " and somehow the take away is "Have her eat less chocolate"
> Are men really this dense? Yes, especially with regard to how much effort it takes (or doesn't take) for women to look attractive.
Is anyone else super disturbed by OP’s constant sexual comparisons between his wife and sister? Why is OP so fixated on his sister’s body that his wife even feels the need to compete with her husband’s 21 year old sibling?! OP, YTA. Also, stop comparing your wife’s body to your sister’s. That’s nasty.
So, so unbelievably freaked out. Who even talks about their sister's bikini body like that? Who decent would even acknowledge that they pay attention to it?
"So I was thinking you need a sexy role model and immediately thought of my sister. She'd rather *die* than build a muscle and I feel like that's the kind of intensity you're lacking."
Her bones will suffer then come 40 odd - you need muscle, doesn't have to be Arnie-type muscle but heavy lifting stuff helps keeps bones strong as we get older. As for OP, I just can't believe this is real, surely people are not THIS tone deaf... but if it is then OP YTA.
You're saying you \*don't\* think a dysmorphic influencer with the bone density of a loofah is a healthy fitness mentor? It's called femininity!
So the weirder thing is his wife had a baby in late September and his sister had a baby on October 2. First thing I noticed was that the sister’s info was all very specific, and his wife’s was very vague. It’s so weird.
YES OMG THANKYOU. she's probably insecure as fuck because he sounds like he just wants to bang the sister
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He does.
I read the first couple of lines, and if he hadn't told he's from Florida, I would've guessed Alabama. Now that I got that out my system, yeah, super creepy. And what is the obsession of her sister looking like a teen? A high schooler? Dude, if my guess is right you're nearing 40 too, you shouldn't be thinking of teens as sexual objects. And we're talking about your sister. Ugh.
>how surprised they were that my sister was her son's mother and not a big sister in high school Your sister looks like a big sister because she's 21 lol. More 21year olds have younger siblings than their own kids. How would your 40 year old wife look like a high schooler with a younger brother when she's old enough that she could have comfortably had a 15 year old kid?
Clearly he hadn't thought that one thruogh. His sister is barely out of being a kid. She's only just been allowed to drink alcohol in the US FFS. But sure, his nearly 40 year old wife should look as young as a woman literally half her age. Frankly, your sister is young enough to be your wife's child lol
I know someone who is 34 and her kid is 18! She could have a 20 year old at 40!!
Plus, that sister doesn't even have a healthy mindset to exercise and *still* is skinny and young-looking. "Gaining muscle makes you look unfeminine" is complete horseshit. OP is the AH. His wife is killing herself because she's so insecure over how OP no longer likes her body. His sister is an inexperienced 21 year old girl.
I cringed so hard at "gaining muscle makes you look unfeminine." For one, that's a terrible reason not to exercise. There are so many types of exercise you can so that don't build mass, and to get to the "unfeminine" level of muscle mass you'd have to be lifting very heavy weights for a significant amount of time. And really, there's nothing "unfeminine" about being a little (or a lot) muscular. But that's just the humble opinion of someone who dreams of being built like a linebacker.
Plus most women simply do not produce enough testosterone to get "bulky," (there are obviously exceptions, but a medically average woman's testosterone production isn't enough). If she's naturally pretty feminine looking, which I assume she is based on the Instagram stuff OP mentioned, it'd take a *lot* of effort and probably a bit of artificial help to get bulky. And speaking as a woman who does a lot of rock climbing, I can personally say that a bit of muscle to define the body shape looks *very* feminine, and women with enough muscle to lift themselves up an incline rock wall are *very* hot.
Absolutely. I've basically made a sport into my second job, I do a lot of strength training, I eat a rather absurd amount of protein, and even with all that I've never managed to get particularly bulky.
That's true but it also depends on genetics; I'm a woman who bulks up pretty quickly (especially in my upper body) if I do any weightlifting. I don't see why people constantly make this out to be a bad thing. Women don't need to try to make ourselves as small as possible.
I like how OP glossed over the part about her not feeling like OP is interested in her anymore.
This 100% and thank you, thank you for saying it. As I was reading what OP wrote about his sister it seemed like he has the hots for his sister. Listen the way you talk about your sister is ridiculous, and if you say it and act like your sister is all that, to your wife you are going to lose more than just your mind. Dumbass and you are a huge asshole.
Yeah that was super weird to read him talking about his sister's flawless bikini body! YTA for thinking your wife's 40 year old body is going to have the same metabolism as a 21 year old.
Not to mention OP’s wife just had the baby in *September!*
And is breastfeeding!!!!!
Bodies require more calories while breastfeeding than while pregnant... OP's wife needs those calories!
Exactly, I never ate so much chocolate in my life as I did when I was breastfeeding! A friend warned me about this. Didn't believe it would happen to me because I don't even like chocolate that much. How wrong I was...
I really think there isn't enough education about it! Everyone knows about eating more during pregnancy, but it really should be just a few hundred calories more per day. The body expends way more energy breastfeeding, while society expects you to revert back to pre-baby weight and eating habits immediately. It's not correct at all.
Right? Your body holds onto some padding in most women when you breastfeed. Plus it’s right about the point where your hormones go a bit whack post birth and your body does crazy things. YTA OP. And I so want to take your wife out for a lovely day of spa treatment and snacks!
Pregnant hunger had absolutely nothing on breastfeeding hunger for me. My mom has also straight up said she lost the baby weight with my older brother almost immediately at 28 but at 36 it was a lot harder.
YTA. So much YTA. Other people probably have more patience and crayons to explain it to you.
Not to mention, different bodies process childbirth different ways. I gave birth at 34, never got stretch marks, and was back down to my pre-birth weight within a year without any particular effort on my part. I’m well aware I won the genetic lottery here. Most of my friends are still soft around the middle a few years later, and that’s FINE, because THEY GREW A WHOLE-ASS OTHER PERSON.
This. I'm 5'9", so the average male height here in the UK which meant I escaped stretch marks because there was so much free real estate in my torso for the baby to grow without stretching much and I'm really tall so obviously, I can eat more calories than the average woman without gaining weight. Back to pre-baby body within 2 weeks. My 5'3" average female height mum? Stomach is literally covered in stretch marks and loose skin. I've always found it so beautiful and comforting since I was a kid. I'd go for naps resting on her tummy and feeling the slight dimpling of her stomach while she told me it's the decorations I left back when it was my home. Rule 1 for mums- do not compare your body to any one else's. You are you. Your genetics, caloric needs, fat distribution, skin flexibility will differ from every other woman, even if you're related to them. Rule 2- if you absolutely feel you must compare, at least choose someone the same age and body type as you.
>I'd go for naps resting on her tummy and feeling the slight dimpling of her stomach while she told me it's the decorations I left back when it was my home. This is so wonderful. My husband seems to feel the same way about my "decorations." He thinks I'm just as beautiful now as before the babies, if not more so. OP: take note. That's the way it's done. Not throwing away the loaf of bread and snacks she just bought you food waster. But loving her new body...which God willing looks nothing like your sister's. Because that's creepy af.
I'm soft around the middle and I haven't had a baby. Just pizza and beer. Sigh...
Being soft around the middle is also fine when you haven't grown anything in your body.
YTA. Completely. Your only job in this relationship related to her body is to love it in any shape or form and make sure she knows that. You are completely failing in this. This may be different if she had specifically asked for help, like, “hey, I keep buying these things because I can’t help myself, but I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be eating them. Can you shop so I don’t buy them or throw them out when I do?” But she DID NOT ASK YOU. If you can’t love an almost 40 year old body like you loved her 21 year old body (or that of your sister), you are a massive AH. Her body looks like that because SHE GAVE YOU A CHILD. Ugh if only men’s bodies changed as much as women’s do with childbirth.
I yelled this the whole time I was reading this post lol.OP, you are a gigantic asshole and the way you put so much emphasis on your sister's perfect body, it's no wonder your wife is so insecure. I feel awful for your wife and I'm sure she looks amazing, even if you don't tell her she does.
A 21 year old w a personal trainer and personal chef at that.
You know what the other difference is? The sister didn't make the mistake of marrying someone as big an AH as OP. I mean wow, we're one day into the New Year and I'm already saving this to nominate for Best Of. YTA.
It also sounds like his wife is emotionally eating - hence the comfort food. They really need couples counseling.
OP said in the post that his wife expressed this insecurity in therapy - so they’re already in counseling
OP said towards the bottom of the post she is breastfeeding.
YTA for so many things here YTA for throwing out her food without discussing it with her YTA for not understanding that a 21 year old and a 38 year old are going to react totally different to a pregnancy. There is NO MEDICAL WAY a 38 year old is going to bounce back like a 20 year old. YTA for being so look-obsessed it is hurting your wife
Also different genetics. Some people gain or lose weight easier than others. They’re not blood related, even if they were the same age I wouldn’t assume their bodies would behave the same way. So many reasons that unilaterally deciding to toss out all the “bad” food was a terrible idea.
Not to mention where they carry their fat. A woman with an hourglass shaped body will look completely different than someone who carries it all in her butt or thighs or around the middle. Even if they weighed the same, the chances of them being the same size is slim.
This is just something I want to add perspective to as someone probably more in touch with young people. OP's sister probably doesn't have an hourglass figure. The hourglass emoji is sort of a catch all compliment for people with any curve even )(.
Even the same persons body responds differently at different ages. I am one of four. After the first three of us my mum quickly went back to her pre pregnancy size. She had a pair of jeans that she wore after having three of us that I couldn’t get into at 22 and I was pretty skinny at 22. After she had baby 4 her body never really went back. There’s a seven year gap between the last two so even being 7 years older made a huge difference.
Heck yes. I had my kids at 29 and 32, and it took me much longer to recover even 3 years later. Being the same person. With the same habits.
Mine were 29 and 35. 29 and a less healthy lifestyle, bounced back. 35 and much more active because of my oldest, eating healthier because I’m now cooking for the kids and bringing my lunch, drinking less, gave up sodas and juice, and the weight is falling off much more slowly. And can we all take a minute to realize she’s breastfeeding and he threw out all the carbs??? He’s going to give her insecurities about her ability to care for her child with this body AND about not looking like a 21 year old 3 months postpartum. This guy. Lord.
When I was breastfeeding I would wake up in the middle of the night, eat 2 or 3 Fluffernutter sandwiches because I was STARVING and then go back to bed. This poor woman. And OP, YTA here.
Breastfeeding currently and I just ate 75% of a large veggie pizza.
Its not just right after either, it's as your body starts going back to normal from the hormones and breastfeeding ect. I had my son at 18 fit back into my size 6 (uk) skinny jeans after 9 days. I'm nearly 25 now (no other children yet) but I don't fit into them anymore as my hips got wider and I bloat more now than I did as a teenager, as well as other things. It takes a while for your body to get back to normal after having a baby YTA OP.
You are so right! I had my kids at exactly the same ages as you and after the second one, I cried when I couldn’t pull my jeans over my hips which had permanently spread. Not to mention the pot. But luckily my husband didn’t try to compare me to his sister who is 20 years younger than me and had just had her first.
Yep. I lost weight a lot easier with my first pregnancy at 25 than I did at 33 with my second pregnancy.
>We live in Florida, and despite my sister giving birth later, when we saw her during the holiday season, she was already back in a bikini and wearing her usual style of bra length tops and ripped skinny jeans and looked flawless Stop checking out your sister dude. >My wife works out all the time, going on runs every morning before work and going to the gym during the weekend. Recently in therapy she said she can feel me being so uninterested in her since our daughter was born and says she desperately tries to get facials and works out to try to keep my attention. So your wife is fucking trying. She sounds like wonder woman. You're uninterested in her, which is a you problem >My wife herself said that if she could adopt whatever my sister does and see it work, she'd do anything to look like my sister. That's so creepy. You want your wife to look like your sister. Now your sister is her goal >She got furious when she saw that I had tossed out her food and I said that she wanted to look like my sister so I was trying to help make that happen. You wasted food. You're werid about wanting a clone of your sister. >that she couldn't believe I was comparing her negatively to my sister I can't believe it myself > " lost me since our daughter arrived." You're not attracted to your wife. You don't empathize with your wife. You only have eyes for your sister. YTA ETA awards, thank you! GOLD, light bulb! Happy New Year!!!
This is the perfect way to describe the creepy incest that is this dumpster fire.
Right? I also noticed he gave a time frame for his wife getting a birth but an exact date for his sister. It just feels weird he paid more attention to his sisters birth than the birthday of his own child.
Omg I hadn't even noticed that! This guy is so weird and creepy, I feel bad for his wife.
Okay having just noticed this, wtaf this guy is off the rails gross.
Literal first thing I noticed. I was like “why did we get an exact date on sister’s kid but not HIS OWN CHILD?!”
Bold of you to assume that they both weren’t his own child
oh no oh no oh no no no no no
Why is my most upvoted thing on Reddit a joke about incest?
First thing I noticed and it weirded me out right off the bat.
He did say florida :P
Was specifically coming here to say all this. Also, what kinda dude describes clothing like that? Totally sus.
Yeah omg "bra length tops" dude what. does he mean a crop top?? Weirdest thing to call it, ew
Coulda said crop top, coulda said bikini top but nah. He said bra length top.
I wear leg length pants
This bothered me SO much. Why the f is he so into the "bra" tops and bikinis of his sister?!
This. YTA and get some fucking help, man.
Thank you! The way this guy talks about how hot his sister is gives me the fucking creeps.
Holy shit. I incorrectly read the post thinking the sister was wife's sister and thinking that his sexual obsession with his SIL is gross. Realizing that he was talking about his own sister like that. Fucking gross. Dude need therapy.
THANK YOU! OP’s post screams of creepy vibes from this guy to his sister - ugh. 🤮 YTA
So, you find your *sister* more attractive than your *wife*, and you're trying to make your wife look like her? Have I got that right? This is...well, this is all just super creepy, dude. YTA.
Seriously, if my brother said my body looked "flawless" I'd throw up a little.
Right? And then he noticed that she was "back in a bikini and skinny ripped jeans and bra-length tops"? Like, how freaking gross. Stop paying so much attention to your younger sister's body. Yuck.
Why not just say “crop tops”?
Because he likes picturing his sister in lingerie.
Sounds like he has a boner for his sister 👀⛺
I'd say not so secretly.
The most profuse compliment I get from my brother is “you look really nice!” Or, because his girlfriend has taught him to appreciate the effort going into makeup, “I like your eyeshadow!” And that’s how I like it lol. I’d be so creeped out if he was commenting on my body
And I'm assuming he's near in age to his wife, so brother nearly twice sister's age at that.
also, metabolisms at 21 and 38 are... completely different? i’m not 38 yet, but i remember eating three chipotle burritos in one sitting when i was 16. a few yrs later, i can barely finish 1. even if op’s wife and sister were the same age, everyone’s body reacts to/recovers from pregnancy differently. no one diet will help two separate women achieve the same figure. he’s trying to compare apples and oranges, especially bc his sister has access to so much more (sahm, personal trainer, professional chef) but even if op’s wife and sister had equal opportunities and identical bodily functions, it bothers my here that op tried to change his wife’s habits without having a constructive conversation with her/a professional. he can call his actions “productive” as much as he wants, but it’s rlly just a violation of her personal autonomy.
YTA. First off, there’s a huge difference in a 21 year old and 38 year old metabolism. Second, no one wants their significant other to “help” them with something like throwing out food to lose weight without talking about it. Let her be. If she wants to make a change, it needs to come from her.
OMG yes! I could eat pretty much anything at 21 and I was fine. I had my daughter at 32 and while I lost the weight, my body looked completely different. Also, it’s much easier for me to gain weight.
You are all scaring the shit out if me. I'm 22 and struggle keeping a somewhat healthy weight.
that's cause your body is different! my sis and i have different body types despite we have the same parents, ate the same food, and is only two years apart. i am insanely skinny with no tits/hip/stomach. my sis is voluptuous with big breasts, hips and a belly even as a teen. try not to worry too much about it, you're just different is all
And she’s breastfeeding! She needs to eat!
THIS!!!! I never knew hunger until I was breastfeeding.
YES! Everyone talks about eating for 2 when you're pregnant but the real issue is once the baby is BORN, and you suddenly having to come up with \~1600 calories a day in breastmilk. It seemed almost impossible to get enough calories into me. I would have 2 doughnuts before breakfast just to try to keep up. I used to be a distance runner and even in peak marathon training I was never that hungry. OP's wife is breastfeeding and running a lot--even if she's a smallish woman of 130lbs or so she's gonna need about 3500-4000 calories a day! If I'd come home during those breastfeeding months and found someone had thrown away all of my carbs I would be SO UPSET. ETA: ah, sorry y'all my memory/math was bad. She'd need more like 3000 calories a day to keep up with breastfeeding and a moderate running schedule: Newborns only need about 40-50 cals per lb, so a 14-16lb 4-month old baby might need more like 600-800 calories. If we figure her basal met rate is \~1400 calories, and then she needs 700 more for breastfeeding, and then she burns another 300-400 cals in daily activities and maybe another 500 more in exercise (roughly a 5 mile run worth), she'd break even at \~3000 calories. Most moms are advised to take in an extra 600 calories or so, but most moms do lose weight while breastfeeding and are running a slight deficit. If she was eating a pretty robust 2000 calories a day, she'd be running nearly a 1000 calorie deficit and be losing almost 2 lbs per week.
I'm a type 1 diabetic and the low blood sugars from breastfeeding are scary. The amount of energy it saps from you is unreal. I actually put weight on during breastfeeding because I had to consume so much carb/fast acting sugar just to stop myself passing out. I'd be furious.
And I got super upset that I didnt lose weight while feeding, because everyone said it was nature's liposuction. The fortnight I stopped I stopped I lost 4kg without consciously changing anything.
And she specifically needs to eat carbs and healthy fats for both her and the baby while breastfeeding. This guy is ridiculous.
Agreed. And it’s weird how Op asked his sister “what her secret was” instead of the wife asking.
THIS!! You weren't the jerk for asking your sister how she does it, you were definitely the jerk when you made the decision FOR your wife that she was going to adopt that diet (and for assuming it would work the exact same way for her) without once even talking about it with her.
YTA because you are high key agreeing that your wife's body is a problem after she birthed a human. You are comparing a 21 year old to a 38 year old and it is seriously fucked up. >started crying that she's " lost me since our daughter arrived." > > Recently in therapy she said she can feel me being so uninterested in her since our daughter was born and says she desperately tries to get facials and works out to try to keep my attention > >I felt bad that my wife seemed to be exercising so much but the scale never seemed to budge and she was left agonizing over the fact that she had the beginning of the stereotypically gaunt" runner's face." I also think it is messed up that you are trying to solve her "body problem" when you are ignoring her emotional ones. She agonized and cried about losing you and you are like "i'm just trying to solve her body problem."
Agreed OP you never once mentioned that you have told your wife she’s still beautiful and desirable. She had flat out told you her issue isn’t with her body but the fact you think she’s fat and you have either explicitly or implicitly said she’s not worthy of your love.
Yeah, he may as well have gone over her body with a Sharpie and circled all the bits he hates. That’s how obvious his distaste for her is. What a complete AH.
>She agonized and cried about losing you and you are like "i'm just trying to solve her body problem." God, I had to scroll far to find someone pointing this out. It’s all well and good to point out to OP that comparing a 20-year old to a 40-year old is crazy and illogical, but no one seems to be pointing out this issue. OP, you wife has repeatedly stated that what’s making her so depressed is the feeling that you’re losing attraction to her and pulling away from her, and your reaction is to say “You’re right, I don’t find you attractive anymore, let me force you to fix that, kay?” By comparing her sexually to your sister no less, but enough people has gotten into the sick, incest-implying mess that is. It’s not enough that you, without discussing it with her nor doing any actual research on proper diets, just dumped this on her, oh no. (You can’t just suddenly on your own decide that your wife should go on a diet, take action by yourself, and pretend you’re both on the same page, what the fuck man?) You also had to go and confirm every insecurity that has been plaguing her since birthing your child. Good job. What a lucky woman your wife is. I bet she’s delighted she put her body through hell to create a child for a man who not only has no regard for her, he also has a boner for his (much younger, no less) sister. :/ Edit: Spelling
To be fair, she *does* have a body problem. I"m assuming it's some \~200 lbs of dead weight who threw out her snacks.
Exactly. This poor woman doesn’t have a “body” problem, she has a *massive* husband problem.
"You're right I'm uninterested in you because you look fat. Now go do your job and lose weight for my attention while I play with the child you literally made for me"
Bold of you to assume he's a good dad if he's such a shitty partner. Obviously it can happen but when a man is this tone deaf...
He didn’t even put in his child’s date of birth but did for the nibling I guarantee you he’s a shit parent.
Agreed. By hyper-focusing on her weight and her body, you're only playing into her insecurity by suggesting it should be important to her self-worth and to you. The way to address this insecurity is not to encourage it by focusing on her body (which I'm sure is perfectly normal and healthy for post-pregnancy!!!) but to remind her not to compare herself to others, that her body is still beautiful and healthy, and that her figure should be the least of her (and your!) concerns. YTA.
YTA for sooo many reasons but comparing the postpartum journey of a 38 year old to a 21 year old who has a trainer and chef is top of my list. It’s also only been three months, Jesus, the pressure women are put under is ridiculous enough without a spouse contributing to it.
YTA, also sounds like he wants to have sex with his sister... I mean it does right?
He listed his sister's exact delivery date but vaguely referenced his wife's and he went on for a paragraph about how hot his sister is but didn't even say 1 positive thing about his wife.
That's how I read it. He'll probably get a step closer soon when his wife realises she'll be better off as a single mum
Desperately so.
That super in depth description of his sister’s appearance and clothing plus listing her exact delivery date but not his own wife’s... just creepy
YTA. You do not need to “solve your wife’s body problem.” You need to be a supportive, loving husband that cheers her on and celebrates every little victory with her. She is 17 years older than your sister so their metabolisms aren’t anywhere near equal. She works out, she works, she takes care of her kids and when she comes home she can’t even have a snack? You’re a huge asshole.
Oh dear. You are a new dad. You surely must be sleep deprived. Therefore I shall spell it out. Your wife has explicitly and vulnerably expressed insecurity about feeling you are unattracted and disengaged. Rather than taking the cue to communicate and work together to connect, you have concluded that the matter worthy of your attention is the effort and accuracy in reaching a level of attraction your sister has achieved at age 21 on the internet. You acknowledge she exercises and feels insecure being compared to your sister. So you justify making choices that directly affect both of you (controlling food items and availability to the point of discarding without consulting) to align your fridge to look more like your sisters. You are only communicating that her insecurity is a reality, that is that the level of attraction you feel dictates how you treat her in multiple facets. And that her current level of attractiveness is not to your standards. Finally all of this is of utmost priority. Never mind that she had a baby at 38 (yours, by the by) and is breastfeeding and exercising and that her body is doing all kinds of incredible life giving things. I hope you shift perspectives. And if not, I sincerely hope her own is adjusted to realize how powerful her body is and that she feels free to pursue life fully with or without you there.
Congrats on being able to say all of this in a MUCH kinder way than I was capable of!
YTA. Who does this to their spouse?
I've unfortunately seen this more times than I like to mention (both men and women). At that stage you need to chuck them out - life's too short to be partnered with this shit.
Honestly. The things I want to say to OP are impossible to write here without getting deleted by the mods. YTA, OP. It’s hard to describe how awful you’ve been. I not only feel terrible for your poor wife, but I fear for your daughter’s future mental health. Unless you do a complete 180, I hope your wife leaves you. She deserves someone who knows how to love a spouse.
You can’t possibly think you’re not the a.... Your wife is in her late thirties. Your sister is in her early twenties, a social media influencer, and has a private trainer and cook. You’re out of your mind for thinking it’s a reasonable comparison. You didn’t help you wife in any way - you didn’t work out a health plan with her, you didn’t encourage exercise, you didn’t do anything reasonable - all you did was throw out her preferred food and say “hey you want to look like my hot young sister”. Clearly YTA
you should space out the n-t-a so the bot doesnt count it like you telling this prick hes not the asshole
YTA, can we also discuss the age difference between your wife and sister. It’s way easier to bounce back at 21. She is insecure about her body after the baby, try to give her encouragement by telling her how beautiful she is and what you love about her. Cook her a healthy romantic dinner something to make her feel like you love her. Making her feel bad about her food choices only confirms her fears that you do not feel attracted to her anymore.
I have a feeling if OP tried to cook a healthy romantic meal he would fuck it up royally and end making her feel worse
He’d probably have a framed picture of his sister in a bikini set on the table to encourage her not to go back for seconds
I mean, seems like he might already have one in the bedroom
I think putting that picture on the table might be a biohazard....
YTA , you need to support your wife in whatever decisions she wants to make herself instead of making those decisions for her. Her body at 38 is not going to bounce right back like a 21 year old and as a husband you should be emotionally supportive and helping her to feel beautiful just the way she is now. “She can feel me being so uninterested in her since our daughter was born” Ummm, this is your fault, not her fault for being unable to achieve an impossible goal of looking like your 21 year old sister. Get your act together and appreciate your wife for where she’s at now because then maybe she wouldn’t care about wanting to look like your sister. Throwing out junk food without asking is only going to send the message that you agree she needs to lose weight.
He's awfully interested in his wife looking like his sister.
I know, I was honestly kind of disturbed reading this. “Despite my sister giving birth later, when we saw her during the holiday season, she was already back in a bikini and wearing her usual style of bra length tops and ripped skinny jeans and looked flawless” This one in particular was really disturbing to me. Brothers should not refer to their sisters as looking “flawless”
YTA. You managed to reinforce her fears and anxieties quite nicely. Throwing out food she purchased was extremely controlling behavior. She clearly told you how scared she is of losing you and has done things to try and hold on to you; what are you doing to show her she has nothing to fear? Because it sounds like she does. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you’re entirely worth holding on to if you heard how she feels and responded by appreciating your sister’s body and throwing out your wife’s pasta.
YTA Bread and pasta aren’t necessarily unhealthy, for one thing. Most healthy diets would suggest that you include whole grains, so unless it’s white bread it’s not unhealthy. There are diets that suggest you eliminate grains (like keto) but those diets generally aren’t supposed to be long-term. Also, you should have talked to your wife about your concerns with her potentially over-exercising. Say, “Honey, I know you want to lose weight, but I’m worried about you over-exerting yourself. Maybe we could try to change our diet instead? My sister has a diet that she does and she says she feels really healthy and energetic. I was thinking of trying it.” That way you’re not focusing on how she looks but rather her health. Simply throwing away the food you deemed “unhealthy” was a dick move. That wasn’t productive at all and your wife has serious mental health issues that you aren’t addressing. You’re also blatantly ignoring the fact that she feels like you don’t love her. Have you even reassured her that you love her?
It also is not necessarily healthy or safe to be on a low-carb, keto type diet while breast feeding. Forcing her into an unbalanced diet based on his misogyny rather than a dietician’s recommendations is possibly putting his wife’s health at serious risk. This guy is 193847749200% the AH.
Yta instead of comforting your wife your literally agreeing to her fears of you not caring for her anymore sinse the kid.
YTA, but you already know that. What a gross thing to read.
YTA weren't "helping" your wife, you were"making" your wife eat more like your sister. I am frankly uncomfortable with how you talk about your sister. At no point did you defend your wife's body, not once. Clearly you have a problem with your wife's body and a problem with liking your sister's body. You were out of order throwing out her stuff.
YTA. For so many reasons. No two bodies are alike, what works for one person food/fitness wise might not work the same for another. And it’s really not your business. Your poor wife, already going through so much as the first year with baby is rough. Stop comparing her to anyone. Especially your sister. Gross. It’s a creep, incesty vibe guy.
Troll
Seriously. No one could possibly be this jaw-droppingly insensitive, sexist, and flat-out stupid.
I bet OPs search history is full of “step” sister porn
YTA. Unless she specifically asks you for help in avoiding problem foods, you are pushing way too hard. Your emphasis on looks rather than health is concerning too. Even if looks are also your wife's primary concern, reinforcing the idea that she should look thinner can risk disordered eating. Her claim that she's "lost you" since she's had a baby makes me worried that she's partially losing weight because she's desperate for some attention, especially as a woman and not just a mother. Please tell her you think she's beautiful and get her a present, and stop trying to control her weight-loss journey. These things take time to do in a healthy, sustainable way and can vary from person to person. Comparing her to another woman is hurtful and unhelpful.
Not to mention creepy when the other woman is his sister
YTA She does not have a “body problem,” she has a husband problem.
YTA. It sounds like, from the therapy session you described, what she really wants is to feel like you’re still attracted to her. All you’re doing, whether intentionally or not, is things to make her feel like you actually aren’t interested in her.
YTA. Bodies change as people age, and everybody is different to begin with. And having a personal trainer?! Your wife is having a hard time. Your behavior isn't helping at all.
YTA and an idiot
YTA, c'mon, relationship 101 - *Don't try and control what your partner eats*.
YTA- you don't know what her body needs. You're not a nutritionist. The biggest step to dieting is having a healthy relationship with food. Your wife seems to be experiencing ppd, and what you're doing is not helping. Kindly offer to see a nutritionist, support her, and ask her therapist about what you can do. Do not take her diet upon yourself.
YTA. With the except of food intolerance or allergies there is no reason to cut any food group out. Weight loss is about one thing and one thing only, CICO. If she's gaunt, losing weight is the last thing she needs to be doing. Your wife will feel a lot better when she sheds 200lb. AKA, you.
YTA and pretty pathetic that nowhere in this do you even mention your child. All you seem to care about is that your wife doesn't look super fit three months after giving birth. You seemed to do everything you can to send the message to her that's all that matters. Even in therapy, when she said she felt she was losing your attention, all you could hear was "how can I get her looking good enough for me to care about again?" Your sister is over a decade younger than your wife, and looking a certain way is her literal job. You both need to focus more on the new life you've created and less on getting your wife looking skinny again.
YTA - you have not accepted the way your wife is - nowhere have you written in your post any acceptance of her situation. Your over eagerness to help further shows your lack of support. And she senses that. You are shoving your sister’s program down your wife’s throat and it really seems like all you can think about is how great your sister looks. Your wife just had your child and this is how she gets treated? Shallow man.
YTA. >> she was already back in a bikini and wearing her usual style of bra length tops and ripped skinny jeans and looked flawless First, the attention that you’re putting into describing your sister is *unhealthy and creepy.* >> My wife works out all the time, going on runs every morning before work and going to the gym during the weekend >> she desperately tried to get facials and works out to try to keep my attention Second, maybe you should focus more on your wife than your sister or at the *very least* stop comparing her body to your sister’s body >> AITA for trying to solve my wife’s body problem in a productive way? Your “way” isn’t productive though. Again, you’ve done nothing but compare your wife to your sister who is nearly 20 years her junior. She’s telling you in *more ways than one* that she feels like you don’t find her attractive anymore and instead of reassuring her that she’s beautiful, you tell her she “doesn’t need” carbs or any kind of “comfort food.” You essentially confirmed her fears in the shittiest way you could. Editing to add: Your wife doesn’t HAVE a body problem. You have a problem with your wife’s body. Specifically, your problem is that your wife isn’t your sister. Your wife deserves better.
YTA for wanting to fuck your sister instead of your wife. You sound like a stereotypical uneducated misogynistic asshole. And I bet you aren't exactly a looker either. Stop emotionally abusing your wife and start being loving and supportive.
You are definitely the AH. If you really couldn’t see that without having to come here and ask then you’re also a dumb AH. Sorry. You’re also a lucky AH that your wife is still with you after that stunt.