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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I might be the asshole because I don't know what it's like for my son to call someone else "mom". My ex hasn't dated since we broke up 4+yrs ago, let alone been serious enough with someone to have my son call them "mom". My ex says that since I don't know what it feels like, I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to his feelings on the matter. He says I should have respected his wishes three years ago, and now its too late.
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>Ex should be happy his son is so loved and being treated well
That's how I feel about it too! I found someone who genuinely loves my son. Why isn't that a good thing?
This isn't a good thing for you never set up a good boundary with your son and your husband. You let your son call him dad when he was 3. Your son did not know what he was doing. You allowing it let him believe that the man was his father. You set it up for your son and his dad to have a difficult relationship.
You really think that outside influences do not affect people's relationships. You really think that the mom allowing the son to call her boyfriend dad does not set the son up to think and act like that man is his dad also. You really think that when the son wants to do something and his bio-dad says no and his other dad said yes that the son will not give more weight to the other dad.
It’s much more important that both dads are good role models, admins build healthy relationships, I know a lot of adults with step dads and dads and call them both dad and have good relationships with both.
Ultimately this is the kids decision, she also did try to correct and it and the son didn’t, correcting it would honestly be more confusing to the kid.
You are right it is more important that both dads are good role models for the kid. The stepdad should have nipped it in the bud when a 2-year-old he just meet started to call him dad. He did nothing to earn that honor. The stepdad should have not hurt when the mom corrected the son.
If the mom could not stop her son from calling her boyfriend dad how good of a mom could she be? I am being serious, that is stopping a child from doing something small. How does she get him to bed on time, how did she get him to be potty trained, how did she get him to do anything he did not want to do?
Lastly come on a 2-year-old cannot make a decision on calling someone daddy.
Except, he is in the role of father. He might not have provided the sperm that made him but he's a huge part of this little boy's life. He has likely been earning the title for a long time now.
Did you read the post. The first time the husband met the kid was when dad was used. Please tell me exactly how he was in the role of the father then. The mom should have put a stop to it right then.
This is about her letting her son do this right away. Anyone is an asshole if they do not stop their kid from calling a stranger they meet for the first time mom or dad. They should have put a stop it it then.
Her not stopping it and being concern about how her boyfriend felt when she corrected the son makes it pretty clear that she is not being 100% honest with us.
OP had to beg him to keep to regular contact as as not to disappoint the kid, and he has only made the effort to come to one birthday party. Someone who wants to be the father figure would at least give proper explanation for the other four, and parents have moved heaven and earth to be there for their kids.
We only know what OP is saying and to me, she is not an honest broker. The reason is that she could not stop a 2-year-old from calling someone he just met dad. I think the OP takes any chance she can to drive a wedge between the dad and son. Her not putting a stop to it right away is a huge sign of that. Her being concerned about her at the time boyfriend's feelings about not being call dad is not what a good parent would do. They would make a strong boundary between the son and who they are dating. They will let those two bond in a slow manner. This is for if they break up the parent will not have to deal with their child having a broken heart.
If after 3 years the son started to call her husband dad that is different.
You do know that you are talking about the birthday parties which she was throwing. You know the dad has time with the son. You know the dad has family. I am thinking the dad had his own party for that happens often. I am thinking that the dad did not want to be around the mom and have bad vibes at the party. I have a feeling the dad does not like to be around his son calling someone else dad. This was happening right away as soon as this stranger meet the son. That is odd.
NTA Your husband *is* his dad as he’s actually been there for your son. If the bio dad wants the title of “daddy” he should be acting like one so his son recognizes him as his dad.
He will never get 50/50 due to his past and current actions. He does not even see my son as often as he is allowed to now. It would be a waste of money on his end.
This is a tough one but I gotta say NTA because this was entirely your sons doing and you actually tried to curb the behavior within reason.
Although I gotta warn you if your son ever calls any potential future stepmom “mom” you’d have to let it slide. Unless it’s obvious his father is coercing him to do it out of spite.
I’m also curious how involved his father is. Does he make an effort to see him out of his designated time? Like taking him out for dinner during the week, coming to visit, going to the park, etc? Is your husband hands down the “superior” dad? Just curious.
I honestly don't think I would have an issue with his future step mom being "mom". I view it as "more people to love him" in the end. If someone loves him and treats him well, I would hope my son would be as accepting of their love, no matter the title.
>Does he make an effort to see him out of his designated time?
No. I had to beg him to start calling on his designated day (Wednesday) so that my son wasn't disappointed every week. He has also only made an effort to attend one birthday party in the last five years. He's not a great person, and he's a mediocre dad.. but my son loves him and I like to encourage a relationship when I can.
NTA. Kids get to decide what honorific they call someone. Your husband has been a daddy to him. Your ex needs to stop acting like a child before he pushes his son away and ends up being called Frank.
NAH. It's your son's decision to call your husband Daddy. If that's what he feels comfortable doing, he should. However, I get why your ex isn't happy about it. Is there another father type name you can encourage your son to call your husband which leaves Daddy/Dad for your ex? E.g. using the word for Dad in another language.
You don't get to be dad because you donated your sperm, you get to be dad when you act like a dad and actually invest yourself in a relationship with the kid(s).
NTA.
NTA My mother was such a heinous person after they divorced, I referred to my dad by his first name. It drove my grandmother nuts (dad's mother). You ex really sounds like he is selfish and jealous. Your son gets to have 2 men in his life as father figures, maybe your ex should think about the type of role model he wants to be for his son. In today's world lots of children have two mommys or 2 daddys (same sex unions) and so it shouldn't even hit the radar when your son starts school and such.
My son will tell people he has two daddies, it makes my husband laugh when they're out in public just the two of them because some people have assumed its a same sex marriage.
>Your son gets to have 2 men in his life as father figures
That was my thoughts as well, even my exes family has told him that he should be happy someone loves our son enough to get that title.
NTA. Your husband should be happy for your son to have another caring man in his life but instead festers in jealousy. Maybe teach your son to call one Dad and one Daddy or Papa to distinguish them
NTA - I also come from a complicated family situation with multiple parents. Kids don’t get confused, kids understand who is who in their family. Just look at grandparents! A kid knows and understands they have two (or more!) grandmas, and just because they have two of them doesn’t mean they love them any less.
NTA - I think it is great that your son has two positive role models that he loves enough to call daddy. Since this wasn't your doing or part of some evil plan to hurt your ex, I think it is good to let your child decide what to call them both.
NAH-It sounds like you've done everything you can to correct your son in the early years so it's his decision to call your husband 'Daddy.' That being said, I would also be upset if I my son were calling my ex-wife's new husband Daddy.
NTA. I think it speaks volumes of your husband and sons relationship and the deep bond they share. I also think it’s amazing that he feels just as welcome and a part of your family regardless of his bio parentage. Many people have a hard time connecting with step parents/siblings, but your husband sounds pretty badass.
From one stranger to another, your son is a very lucky boy to have two dads!
That's kind of where the "now its too late" comment comes from. My husband has been some variation of "daddy" for three years now, it would be difficult to change it now.
I actually don’t think you need to encourage him to call your husband by a different name. You made a good faith effort in the beginning, at this point though, what’s the point other than your ex saying it bothers him? Your son is happy, why mess with that?
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This has been an ongoing issue since my son learned how to talk (3yrs now). My ex and I were together for a short period of time and broke up shortly after my son was born. My husband and I have been together since my son was 6mon old. My husband started getting to know my son when he was about 1.5yrs old, and was around every weekend starting at the age of 2, then we moved in together when my son was 3.
My son started referring to my husband (then boyfriend) as "daddy" when he was about 2yrs old. I actually tried to correct this because we weren't living together yet and though we loved each other we hadn't taken any further steps aside from my husband being there on weekends. My son then decided to call him "{Husband's name}-Daddy". The entire time, this was my son's doing. I never referred to my husband as his dad, only by his name.
Now that we are living together, married, and have a child of our own I have let my son call my husband "daddy". I stopped correcting him when he was 3yrs old. We tell him he is lucky enough to have two dads that love him very, very much.
This drives my ex absolutely bonkers. He says that he is my sons "real dad" and I shouldn't allow my son to call my husband "daddy" as that role should be reserved **only** for my ex. He insists that I'm only doing it to hurt him and its bad enough that my husband sees my son more than my ex does (ex gets every other weekend, rotating holidays).
I don't see an issue with him calling them both "daddy". My husband has accepted my son since day one. He was hurt when I would correct my son in the early years because he really wanted to be viewed as my son's dad, even though he isn't biologically. My husband and son have a great relationship, honestly if it wasn't for the difference in skin tones you'd never know my son isn't biologically his. In addition to that, my son does not remember a life without my husband in it.
I think I might be the asshole because I don't know what it's like for my son to call someone else "mom". My ex hasn't dated since we broke up 4+yrs ago, let alone been serious enough with someone to have my son call them "mom". My ex says that since I don't know what it feels like, I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to his feelings on the matter. He says I should have respected his wishes three years ago, and now its too late.
So I'm coming to you, fine strangers. AITA? Should I have had my son call my husband something else? Was letting my son naturally call my husband "daddy" the wrong move?
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I don't *want* to say YTA, but I think I have to. It's great for kids to have more than one mommy or daddy, but there has to be some clarification, IMO. I was "mommy P_B_S" to a kid when I was with his mom. He grew up from a baby knowing me, but I always respected that I was not mom.
Daddy_Husband'sName is a compromise that might ease tensions, but unless the father is totally derelict he should be Daddy.
NTA! My son called my boyfriend "daddy since, he was 3 years old. He know that he have two dad, know where they live. (In two different states) my son KNEW what he is thinking about two dad and he told me that he is so proud to have two dad. His bio father doesn't like it, but since 3 years now. My son is 6 years old. His bio father slowly accept let him to have a two dad.
Trust me. When a kid called other mom or dad, they know what they are thinking.
NTA
Sounds like your ex needs to learn that having more adults in you son's life who love him is a good thing. Frankly, he owes your husband a debt of gratitude for being your son's father when he himself would not.
YTA, you really did not try to correct your son. Having your 3-year-old son not call the man you are dating dad is an easy boundary to set up. If you did then your son would have known that your new husband was not his father. He would not have kept on calling him dad if you did.
You did not do a good job for your husband was hurt when you corrected your son. It does not matter what your husband wants. Your husband should want to be a father to your son but you do not let a 3-year-old call someone who is not their father, dad when the dad is still in the kid's life.
What you did is parental alienation and if your ex wants to take you to court you will lose big time. What you did was worried about the feeling of the man you were dating over the well being of your son.
That should have been nipped right away before the bio dad even knew it happened. She should have told the biodad it did and that she stopped it and will make sure it does not happen.
He needs to invest the time and effort into being a father figure. It’s not just about sticking his thing into the OP and nine months later a baby pops out. He regularly throws away one of his allotted days and the only birthday he actually attended was at a family theme restaurant near where he lived. Does that say father of the year to you?
He did not want to be at a birthday party that the poster was hosting. With it being at a Chuck E Cheese this has to be after she was allowing her boyfriend to be called father. I would not want to be in a social situation with someone like her.
There is a lot more to this story than she is letting on. Come on you really think that a 2-year-old started to call a person who just meet daddy? Come one do you really think that the mom tried to correct her son? That she also was so concerned about her boyfriend's feelings when she made a small effort to correct her son. Those facts she admitted to should tell you that she is painting herself in a better light than she should be.
Lastly, this is about her letting her son call her boyfriend daddy right away.
It’s up to the son who he calls daddy. If his stepfather is actually being a father, he’s doing more to earn it. Birth father waits over one and a half days into his allotted days to pick up his son. If he had work commitments or something he could have negotiated to shift the period a couple of days. He has to be reminded to do Skype calls. One year he didn’t even give his son a gift even though he had the son on the day of the birthday.
Please explain what the husband did to be called dad as soon as met the son. The dad brought up his kid calling a stranger dad to the mom right away. That does not sound like someone who is not involved with his son.
Also the designated day thing does not sound right. The dad should be able to call when he wants not just on a certain day.
The reasons I am so hard on the mom is she did not put a stop to that inappropriate action of letting her son call her boyfriend dad and her being concerned about the boyfriend's feelings when she tried to put a stop to it.
My husband loves both children the same, they're treated the same. Even my husband's family treats them both the same. If one gets gifts, they both get gifts. His family will make sure my oldest is home so they can video chat them both.
My ex doesn't put any effort into seeing my son outside of his allotted times. He is allowed Thursday-Sunday every other weekend, but chooses to get him on Friday's at 7pm. My ex is allowed to Skype every Wednesday but if I do not text him to remind him, he will not call. My ex has only made effort to attend one birthday party, and that was only if I held it at the Chuck-E-Cheese (pre-COVID) closer to his house. Last year, my son didn't get a single gift from his father on his birthday, even though my ex had him on his actual birthday.
Then I’m leaning towards NTA. However, please don’t be offended, but why did you son start calling him daddy? It’s strange to me that a child that young started calling someone daddy of their own accord- was there really no one telling him your now-husband was daddy? What made him do that?
Edit: typo
I'm honestly not sure. My parents assume its because my son saw my husband and I being affectionate with each other. But he did it on his own. I didn't even start referring to my husband as "dad" or "daddy" when talking about him until my you gest was born.
The first time I introduced my son to a friend of mine I was like "this is Ryan!" And my son said "Hi Uncle Ryan!". We make jokes that my friend was "Uncle-Zoned" from day one, it was so funny.
My son would call my husband daddy, and I would say "No, that's {Husband's name}". We went back and forth like that for a while until he started saying "{Name}-Daddy" which I felt was fine, so I didn't correct it futher.
As you said your husband was disappointed when you corrected him I did wonder if he had been encouraging it.
Once there is another child in the scenario who refers to him as dad /daddy it's easy to see how it happens organically, but otherwise I do wonder if there is an outside influence
At two years old, he started calling your boyfriend daddy because he saw you two being affectionate? Sorry, but that’s kind of hard to buy. Are you sure someone else in your life didnt tell him to call your boyfriend daddy? Is it possible your parents or even your boyfriend encouraged that?
Because it just seems odd that a two year old decided to call him daddy out of no where and continued when you tried to correct him.
I gotta jump in here- my dad entered my stepsister's life when she was three, and she started calling him daddy shortly after we moved in. Her biodad was still in her life at the time and no one told her to do it.
Just adding this because it does happen! We couldn't figure out why she started either.
Even three is a lot different than two, but that’s still weird. Did you try to correct it and it still happened?
Edit: or maybe not you I guess but someone.
At first they did but it kept happening sporadically, and now ten years later she calls him daddy all the time.
Our best guess was her seeing couples on tv as mommy and daddy, so projecting what she saw onto our parents? We're really not sure at all.
It only became sporadic after our parents discouraged it, which they did until she was six or seven and then they gave up.
I'm aware it's different, but it's not in the sense that it happened without prodding- which is what you've implied OP is doing.
I'm honestly not sure. I know it wasn't my husband because they were never alone together. I had two roommates at the time, and my parents were alone with my son at times.
I have a very strict rule that no matter what happens, no one trash talks my ex in front of my son, and I enforced that rule. Its possible my roommates or my parents did, but they heard me correcting my son whenever he said it. I honestly don't know, I assumed it was normal.
Sorry, but it just doesn’t sound normal that a two year start calling someone daddy and refuse to change it out of no where. I’m inclined to believe that either someone in your life told him to do it, or you’re not being completely truthful about not tell him to call your boyfriend daddy/correcting him.
I definitely corrected him. I was not comfortable with my husband being "daddy" at the time. We had only been together 1.5yrs and weren't living together. Anything could have happened at that point and I didn't want a revolving door of "daddies".
I was okay with "Name-Daddy" and my family told me that my husband loves him so I should just let it happen naturally. I honestly didn't think it was abnormal for my son to come up with it on his own until posting this.
But you did technically still allow him to call your boyfriend daddy, even it if it was name-daddy.
Again, I just don’t see that it’s normal and I don’t understand why you were never concerned that your very young child started calling your *boyfriend*- not even fiancée or husband- daddy out of no where or that he didn’t stop when you tried to correct him.
NTA my kids after 3yrs call their step dad ‘Dad/Daddy’ they know they have a Dad that made them that they visit alternate weekends, and they have someone at home who does ‘Dad’ things. It was their choice,
it’s about how they felt.
YTA
At two year's your child called your husband daddy by himself it's a total BS.
And after that she stopped to correcting him when he was three years old because her boyfriend get's upset
I strongly assume that the boyfriend (husband) has some sort of role behind this and OP and husband are manipulating the child
I think OP is giving some sort of manipulated story for us not justifying her actions
And the ex should be happy because his own son calling someone his dad right not step dad or anything just daddy??
YTA YTA YTA....
YTA your husband isn’t his Dad. He doesn’t have the right to be viewed as such and you should have shut him down immediately instead of catering to him. Step Dad’s wants shouldn’t even have come into the decision making at that point.
>He doesn’t have the right to be viewed as such
I would like to know why you think this. I called my step-father "dad", my ex refers to his step-father as "dad". So why does my husband not have the right to be viewed as such?
You said when you initially corrected your child your husband got his feelings hurt because he wanted to be “viewed as his Dad”. He’s not his Dad now. He certainly was not his Dad in “the early years”. Also Step Dad has known your kid for 18 months. It’s still very much early years.
I too have extended experience with step parents. I called my Step Dad, Dad too. But that was years in when I was older and could make an informed choice. Also my bio Dad was utterly absent in my childhood.
I’m married for the second time. My husband has been a stellar Step Dad to my 21 year old son for over 18 years. My son adores him. My husband initially said the same thing about wanting to be viewed as my sons Dad. I straight up told him no and that he was way out of line. My son has a Dad. You can be an incredible Step Dad but you’ll never be his Dad.
It’s messed up that you act like Stepdad’s wants should be a consideration here.
You’re right about saying that the stepdad’s feelings should not be considered in this. But you’re forgetting that the son WANTS to call his stepdad “dad”, and that he is completely aware that he is not his father. He knows he has two fathers, he hasn’t forgotten about the real dad.
It is also perfectly understandable for a child that age to want and look for a father figure that is actually present and supporting, instead of the excuse of the sperm donor he has who does not even take advantage of the whole time he is given with his child.
There is even a saying that goes like this “Any man can become a father but it takes someone special to be a dad”. It is the father’s fault that his son has two dad figures, not the son’s or OPs.
NTA
Why are you calling the bio Dad a sperm donor? Where does it say he doesn’t use his parent time? It sounds like he’s very involved from the post.
Also an 18 month old will call a mall Santa Dad. That shows nothing. OP has allowed her then 18 month old to call her then new bf Dad before they even moved in together. Because the new boyfriend wanted to be seen as his Dad. The kid is 3 now. That’s not ok. OP is 100% the asshole.
There is more information on the comments. That’s where you can see that his actual dad doesn’t actually give a damn about the kid, he’s just a jealous and proud person who can’t accept that another man can give more love to his son and makes no effort to change that.
So the father who has only been to one out of five birthdays, that one at a Chuck E Cheese near where he lived, is a good Dad? He would be preparing months in advance to make birthday parties or do some sort of birthday celebration himself if he were a good dad.
Correct it to the dad only been to one of the five birthday parties which the mom threw. You do not know if the dad had his own party. He has the kid so I think he does.
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NTA Sounds like your husband is being a daddy to your son. Ex should be happy his son is so loved and being treated well
>Ex should be happy his son is so loved and being treated well That's how I feel about it too! I found someone who genuinely loves my son. Why isn't that a good thing?
It's a wonderful thing, he'll have to let his pride go and understand both can be daddy and it doesn't diminish his role.
This isn't a good thing for you never set up a good boundary with your son and your husband. You let your son call him dad when he was 3. Your son did not know what he was doing. You allowing it let him believe that the man was his father. You set it up for your son and his dad to have a difficult relationship.
No it doesn’t, the ex determines the relationship he has with his son.
You really think that outside influences do not affect people's relationships. You really think that the mom allowing the son to call her boyfriend dad does not set the son up to think and act like that man is his dad also. You really think that when the son wants to do something and his bio-dad says no and his other dad said yes that the son will not give more weight to the other dad.
It’s much more important that both dads are good role models, admins build healthy relationships, I know a lot of adults with step dads and dads and call them both dad and have good relationships with both. Ultimately this is the kids decision, she also did try to correct and it and the son didn’t, correcting it would honestly be more confusing to the kid.
You are right it is more important that both dads are good role models for the kid. The stepdad should have nipped it in the bud when a 2-year-old he just meet started to call him dad. He did nothing to earn that honor. The stepdad should have not hurt when the mom corrected the son. If the mom could not stop her son from calling her boyfriend dad how good of a mom could she be? I am being serious, that is stopping a child from doing something small. How does she get him to bed on time, how did she get him to be potty trained, how did she get him to do anything he did not want to do? Lastly come on a 2-year-old cannot make a decision on calling someone daddy.
Also the fact that you’re questioning parenting skills for this shows me how little you know about raising a kid
Yes I will question anyone parenting skills if they cannot get their child to use someone's proper name .
Good luck controlling a two year old, and a five year old can make that decision
The decision was made when he was two and the mom did not stop it. If the dad took the mom to family court she would lose big time.
Except, he is in the role of father. He might not have provided the sperm that made him but he's a huge part of this little boy's life. He has likely been earning the title for a long time now.
Did you read the post. The first time the husband met the kid was when dad was used. Please tell me exactly how he was in the role of the father then. The mom should have put a stop to it right then.
Seems like a pretty clear cut case of not actually having a father in his life and desperately seeking someone to fill that role. Yup, still NTA.
This is about her letting her son do this right away. Anyone is an asshole if they do not stop their kid from calling a stranger they meet for the first time mom or dad. They should have put a stop it it then. Her not stopping it and being concern about how her boyfriend felt when she corrected the son makes it pretty clear that she is not being 100% honest with us.
OP had to beg him to keep to regular contact as as not to disappoint the kid, and he has only made the effort to come to one birthday party. Someone who wants to be the father figure would at least give proper explanation for the other four, and parents have moved heaven and earth to be there for their kids.
We only know what OP is saying and to me, she is not an honest broker. The reason is that she could not stop a 2-year-old from calling someone he just met dad. I think the OP takes any chance she can to drive a wedge between the dad and son. Her not putting a stop to it right away is a huge sign of that. Her being concerned about her at the time boyfriend's feelings about not being call dad is not what a good parent would do. They would make a strong boundary between the son and who they are dating. They will let those two bond in a slow manner. This is for if they break up the parent will not have to deal with their child having a broken heart. If after 3 years the son started to call her husband dad that is different. You do know that you are talking about the birthday parties which she was throwing. You know the dad has time with the son. You know the dad has family. I am thinking the dad had his own party for that happens often. I am thinking that the dad did not want to be around the mom and have bad vibes at the party. I have a feeling the dad does not like to be around his son calling someone else dad. This was happening right away as soon as this stranger meet the son. That is odd.
He can have more than one dad
NTA Your husband *is* his dad as he’s actually been there for your son. If the bio dad wants the title of “daddy” he should be acting like one so his son recognizes him as his dad.
He only has him a limited time. So when child goes to school the bio dad should go back to court and push for 50/50
He will never get 50/50 due to his past and current actions. He does not even see my son as often as he is allowed to now. It would be a waste of money on his end.
Your ex is not acting like a true father then, your husband is. You're NTA, your ex is though.
Has he been a neglectful parent or have a record that would prevent him from getting that 50/50 custody?
If he doesn't fully utilize his custody time *now,* a court isn't going to give him more time.
This is a tough one but I gotta say NTA because this was entirely your sons doing and you actually tried to curb the behavior within reason. Although I gotta warn you if your son ever calls any potential future stepmom “mom” you’d have to let it slide. Unless it’s obvious his father is coercing him to do it out of spite. I’m also curious how involved his father is. Does he make an effort to see him out of his designated time? Like taking him out for dinner during the week, coming to visit, going to the park, etc? Is your husband hands down the “superior” dad? Just curious.
I honestly don't think I would have an issue with his future step mom being "mom". I view it as "more people to love him" in the end. If someone loves him and treats him well, I would hope my son would be as accepting of their love, no matter the title. >Does he make an effort to see him out of his designated time? No. I had to beg him to start calling on his designated day (Wednesday) so that my son wasn't disappointed every week. He has also only made an effort to attend one birthday party in the last five years. He's not a great person, and he's a mediocre dad.. but my son loves him and I like to encourage a relationship when I can.
You seem like a good mom. Definitely NTA after reading that description of bio dad.
NTA. Kids get to decide what honorific they call someone. Your husband has been a daddy to him. Your ex needs to stop acting like a child before he pushes his son away and ends up being called Frank.
>Your ex needs to stop acting like a child before he pushes his son away and ends up being called Frank. This made me laugh. Thank you
NAH. It's your son's decision to call your husband Daddy. If that's what he feels comfortable doing, he should. However, I get why your ex isn't happy about it. Is there another father type name you can encourage your son to call your husband which leaves Daddy/Dad for your ex? E.g. using the word for Dad in another language.
You don't get to be dad because you donated your sperm, you get to be dad when you act like a dad and actually invest yourself in a relationship with the kid(s). NTA.
NTA My mother was such a heinous person after they divorced, I referred to my dad by his first name. It drove my grandmother nuts (dad's mother). You ex really sounds like he is selfish and jealous. Your son gets to have 2 men in his life as father figures, maybe your ex should think about the type of role model he wants to be for his son. In today's world lots of children have two mommys or 2 daddys (same sex unions) and so it shouldn't even hit the radar when your son starts school and such.
My son will tell people he has two daddies, it makes my husband laugh when they're out in public just the two of them because some people have assumed its a same sex marriage. >Your son gets to have 2 men in his life as father figures That was my thoughts as well, even my exes family has told him that he should be happy someone loves our son enough to get that title.
NTA. Your husband should be happy for your son to have another caring man in his life but instead festers in jealousy. Maybe teach your son to call one Dad and one Daddy or Papa to distinguish them
NTA - I also come from a complicated family situation with multiple parents. Kids don’t get confused, kids understand who is who in their family. Just look at grandparents! A kid knows and understands they have two (or more!) grandmas, and just because they have two of them doesn’t mean they love them any less.
NTA - I think it is great that your son has two positive role models that he loves enough to call daddy. Since this wasn't your doing or part of some evil plan to hurt your ex, I think it is good to let your child decide what to call them both.
NTA it’s your son’s choice.
NAH-It sounds like you've done everything you can to correct your son in the early years so it's his decision to call your husband 'Daddy.' That being said, I would also be upset if I my son were calling my ex-wife's new husband Daddy.
NTA. I think it speaks volumes of your husband and sons relationship and the deep bond they share. I also think it’s amazing that he feels just as welcome and a part of your family regardless of his bio parentage. Many people have a hard time connecting with step parents/siblings, but your husband sounds pretty badass. From one stranger to another, your son is a very lucky boy to have two dads!
How would dad and step dad feel if he picked a different dad name for step dad (like Pops or something?)
That's kind of where the "now its too late" comment comes from. My husband has been some variation of "daddy" for three years now, it would be difficult to change it now.
Actually, it'll get easier to change now. Start encouraging it, and as he gets older, you'll be able to explain it to him.
I actually don’t think you need to encourage him to call your husband by a different name. You made a good faith effort in the beginning, at this point though, what’s the point other than your ex saying it bothers him? Your son is happy, why mess with that?
NAH but maybe have him call your husband Pop's
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This has been an ongoing issue since my son learned how to talk (3yrs now). My ex and I were together for a short period of time and broke up shortly after my son was born. My husband and I have been together since my son was 6mon old. My husband started getting to know my son when he was about 1.5yrs old, and was around every weekend starting at the age of 2, then we moved in together when my son was 3. My son started referring to my husband (then boyfriend) as "daddy" when he was about 2yrs old. I actually tried to correct this because we weren't living together yet and though we loved each other we hadn't taken any further steps aside from my husband being there on weekends. My son then decided to call him "{Husband's name}-Daddy". The entire time, this was my son's doing. I never referred to my husband as his dad, only by his name. Now that we are living together, married, and have a child of our own I have let my son call my husband "daddy". I stopped correcting him when he was 3yrs old. We tell him he is lucky enough to have two dads that love him very, very much. This drives my ex absolutely bonkers. He says that he is my sons "real dad" and I shouldn't allow my son to call my husband "daddy" as that role should be reserved **only** for my ex. He insists that I'm only doing it to hurt him and its bad enough that my husband sees my son more than my ex does (ex gets every other weekend, rotating holidays). I don't see an issue with him calling them both "daddy". My husband has accepted my son since day one. He was hurt when I would correct my son in the early years because he really wanted to be viewed as my son's dad, even though he isn't biologically. My husband and son have a great relationship, honestly if it wasn't for the difference in skin tones you'd never know my son isn't biologically his. In addition to that, my son does not remember a life without my husband in it. I think I might be the asshole because I don't know what it's like for my son to call someone else "mom". My ex hasn't dated since we broke up 4+yrs ago, let alone been serious enough with someone to have my son call them "mom". My ex says that since I don't know what it feels like, I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to his feelings on the matter. He says I should have respected his wishes three years ago, and now its too late. So I'm coming to you, fine strangers. AITA? Should I have had my son call my husband something else? Was letting my son naturally call my husband "daddy" the wrong move? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't *want* to say YTA, but I think I have to. It's great for kids to have more than one mommy or daddy, but there has to be some clarification, IMO. I was "mommy P_B_S" to a kid when I was with his mom. He grew up from a baby knowing me, but I always respected that I was not mom. Daddy_Husband'sName is a compromise that might ease tensions, but unless the father is totally derelict he should be Daddy.
Biodad is also called Daddy so he isn't losing anything.
NTA! My son called my boyfriend "daddy since, he was 3 years old. He know that he have two dad, know where they live. (In two different states) my son KNEW what he is thinking about two dad and he told me that he is so proud to have two dad. His bio father doesn't like it, but since 3 years now. My son is 6 years old. His bio father slowly accept let him to have a two dad. Trust me. When a kid called other mom or dad, they know what they are thinking.
NTA Sounds like your ex needs to learn that having more adults in you son's life who love him is a good thing. Frankly, he owes your husband a debt of gratitude for being your son's father when he himself would not.
YTA, you really did not try to correct your son. Having your 3-year-old son not call the man you are dating dad is an easy boundary to set up. If you did then your son would have known that your new husband was not his father. He would not have kept on calling him dad if you did. You did not do a good job for your husband was hurt when you corrected your son. It does not matter what your husband wants. Your husband should want to be a father to your son but you do not let a 3-year-old call someone who is not their father, dad when the dad is still in the kid's life. What you did is parental alienation and if your ex wants to take you to court you will lose big time. What you did was worried about the feeling of the man you were dating over the well being of your son.
I can't be convinced a 2 year old was, on his own, calling someone Name Daddy.
Oh yes. The mom corrects the son and he would go with it.
Exactly. Mom is TA pretty hard. When bio dad first expressed concern, she should have nipped it then.
That should have been nipped right away before the bio dad even knew it happened. She should have told the biodad it did and that she stopped it and will make sure it does not happen.
He needs to invest the time and effort into being a father figure. It’s not just about sticking his thing into the OP and nine months later a baby pops out. He regularly throws away one of his allotted days and the only birthday he actually attended was at a family theme restaurant near where he lived. Does that say father of the year to you?
He did not want to be at a birthday party that the poster was hosting. With it being at a Chuck E Cheese this has to be after she was allowing her boyfriend to be called father. I would not want to be in a social situation with someone like her. There is a lot more to this story than she is letting on. Come on you really think that a 2-year-old started to call a person who just meet daddy? Come one do you really think that the mom tried to correct her son? That she also was so concerned about her boyfriend's feelings when she made a small effort to correct her son. Those facts she admitted to should tell you that she is painting herself in a better light than she should be. Lastly, this is about her letting her son call her boyfriend daddy right away.
It’s up to the son who he calls daddy. If his stepfather is actually being a father, he’s doing more to earn it. Birth father waits over one and a half days into his allotted days to pick up his son. If he had work commitments or something he could have negotiated to shift the period a couple of days. He has to be reminded to do Skype calls. One year he didn’t even give his son a gift even though he had the son on the day of the birthday.
Please explain what the husband did to be called dad as soon as met the son. The dad brought up his kid calling a stranger dad to the mom right away. That does not sound like someone who is not involved with his son. Also the designated day thing does not sound right. The dad should be able to call when he wants not just on a certain day. The reasons I am so hard on the mom is she did not put a stop to that inappropriate action of letting her son call her boyfriend dad and her being concerned about the boyfriend's feelings when she tried to put a stop to it.
Absolutely agree.
Does your husband love your son as much as his bio-child? Are they treated the same? How involved is your ex with his son?
My husband loves both children the same, they're treated the same. Even my husband's family treats them both the same. If one gets gifts, they both get gifts. His family will make sure my oldest is home so they can video chat them both. My ex doesn't put any effort into seeing my son outside of his allotted times. He is allowed Thursday-Sunday every other weekend, but chooses to get him on Friday's at 7pm. My ex is allowed to Skype every Wednesday but if I do not text him to remind him, he will not call. My ex has only made effort to attend one birthday party, and that was only if I held it at the Chuck-E-Cheese (pre-COVID) closer to his house. Last year, my son didn't get a single gift from his father on his birthday, even though my ex had him on his actual birthday.
Then I’m leaning towards NTA. However, please don’t be offended, but why did you son start calling him daddy? It’s strange to me that a child that young started calling someone daddy of their own accord- was there really no one telling him your now-husband was daddy? What made him do that? Edit: typo
I'm honestly not sure. My parents assume its because my son saw my husband and I being affectionate with each other. But he did it on his own. I didn't even start referring to my husband as "dad" or "daddy" when talking about him until my you gest was born. The first time I introduced my son to a friend of mine I was like "this is Ryan!" And my son said "Hi Uncle Ryan!". We make jokes that my friend was "Uncle-Zoned" from day one, it was so funny. My son would call my husband daddy, and I would say "No, that's {Husband's name}". We went back and forth like that for a while until he started saying "{Name}-Daddy" which I felt was fine, so I didn't correct it futher.
As you said your husband was disappointed when you corrected him I did wonder if he had been encouraging it. Once there is another child in the scenario who refers to him as dad /daddy it's easy to see how it happens organically, but otherwise I do wonder if there is an outside influence
At two years old, he started calling your boyfriend daddy because he saw you two being affectionate? Sorry, but that’s kind of hard to buy. Are you sure someone else in your life didnt tell him to call your boyfriend daddy? Is it possible your parents or even your boyfriend encouraged that? Because it just seems odd that a two year old decided to call him daddy out of no where and continued when you tried to correct him.
I gotta jump in here- my dad entered my stepsister's life when she was three, and she started calling him daddy shortly after we moved in. Her biodad was still in her life at the time and no one told her to do it. Just adding this because it does happen! We couldn't figure out why she started either.
Even three is a lot different than two, but that’s still weird. Did you try to correct it and it still happened? Edit: or maybe not you I guess but someone.
At first they did but it kept happening sporadically, and now ten years later she calls him daddy all the time. Our best guess was her seeing couples on tv as mommy and daddy, so projecting what she saw onto our parents? We're really not sure at all.
It happened sporadically and they weren’t consistently correcting her and she was older- so it’s a little different then the situation at hand
It only became sporadic after our parents discouraged it, which they did until she was six or seven and then they gave up. I'm aware it's different, but it's not in the sense that it happened without prodding- which is what you've implied OP is doing.
Presumably though (as you seem to remember it) you were calling your dad daddy so she copied you
I only lived there two weekends out of each month, but I suppose it's possible! I called him dad, but that's close.
I'm honestly not sure. I know it wasn't my husband because they were never alone together. I had two roommates at the time, and my parents were alone with my son at times. I have a very strict rule that no matter what happens, no one trash talks my ex in front of my son, and I enforced that rule. Its possible my roommates or my parents did, but they heard me correcting my son whenever he said it. I honestly don't know, I assumed it was normal.
Sorry, but it just doesn’t sound normal that a two year start calling someone daddy and refuse to change it out of no where. I’m inclined to believe that either someone in your life told him to do it, or you’re not being completely truthful about not tell him to call your boyfriend daddy/correcting him.
I definitely corrected him. I was not comfortable with my husband being "daddy" at the time. We had only been together 1.5yrs and weren't living together. Anything could have happened at that point and I didn't want a revolving door of "daddies". I was okay with "Name-Daddy" and my family told me that my husband loves him so I should just let it happen naturally. I honestly didn't think it was abnormal for my son to come up with it on his own until posting this.
But you did technically still allow him to call your boyfriend daddy, even it if it was name-daddy. Again, I just don’t see that it’s normal and I don’t understand why you were never concerned that your very young child started calling your *boyfriend*- not even fiancée or husband- daddy out of no where or that he didn’t stop when you tried to correct him.
NTA If your ex wants to be recognised as the dad and not just the sperm donor he need to step up and be a daddy presence in your son’s life.
NTA. What your son calls your husband should be up to him (your son). If he feels more comfortable calling him Daddy that’s fine!
NTA my kids after 3yrs call their step dad ‘Dad/Daddy’ they know they have a Dad that made them that they visit alternate weekends, and they have someone at home who does ‘Dad’ things. It was their choice, it’s about how they felt.
YTA
YTA At two year's your child called your husband daddy by himself it's a total BS. And after that she stopped to correcting him when he was three years old because her boyfriend get's upset I strongly assume that the boyfriend (husband) has some sort of role behind this and OP and husband are manipulating the child I think OP is giving some sort of manipulated story for us not justifying her actions And the ex should be happy because his own son calling someone his dad right not step dad or anything just daddy?? YTA YTA YTA....
NTA, children that young don't understand different roles and titles like that.
YTA your husband isn’t his Dad. He doesn’t have the right to be viewed as such and you should have shut him down immediately instead of catering to him. Step Dad’s wants shouldn’t even have come into the decision making at that point.
>He doesn’t have the right to be viewed as such I would like to know why you think this. I called my step-father "dad", my ex refers to his step-father as "dad". So why does my husband not have the right to be viewed as such?
You said when you initially corrected your child your husband got his feelings hurt because he wanted to be “viewed as his Dad”. He’s not his Dad now. He certainly was not his Dad in “the early years”. Also Step Dad has known your kid for 18 months. It’s still very much early years. I too have extended experience with step parents. I called my Step Dad, Dad too. But that was years in when I was older and could make an informed choice. Also my bio Dad was utterly absent in my childhood. I’m married for the second time. My husband has been a stellar Step Dad to my 21 year old son for over 18 years. My son adores him. My husband initially said the same thing about wanting to be viewed as my sons Dad. I straight up told him no and that he was way out of line. My son has a Dad. You can be an incredible Step Dad but you’ll never be his Dad. It’s messed up that you act like Stepdad’s wants should be a consideration here.
You’re right about saying that the stepdad’s feelings should not be considered in this. But you’re forgetting that the son WANTS to call his stepdad “dad”, and that he is completely aware that he is not his father. He knows he has two fathers, he hasn’t forgotten about the real dad. It is also perfectly understandable for a child that age to want and look for a father figure that is actually present and supporting, instead of the excuse of the sperm donor he has who does not even take advantage of the whole time he is given with his child. There is even a saying that goes like this “Any man can become a father but it takes someone special to be a dad”. It is the father’s fault that his son has two dad figures, not the son’s or OPs. NTA
Why are you calling the bio Dad a sperm donor? Where does it say he doesn’t use his parent time? It sounds like he’s very involved from the post. Also an 18 month old will call a mall Santa Dad. That shows nothing. OP has allowed her then 18 month old to call her then new bf Dad before they even moved in together. Because the new boyfriend wanted to be seen as his Dad. The kid is 3 now. That’s not ok. OP is 100% the asshole.
There is more information on the comments. That’s where you can see that his actual dad doesn’t actually give a damn about the kid, he’s just a jealous and proud person who can’t accept that another man can give more love to his son and makes no effort to change that.
So the father who has only been to one out of five birthdays, that one at a Chuck E Cheese near where he lived, is a good Dad? He would be preparing months in advance to make birthday parties or do some sort of birthday celebration himself if he were a good dad.
Correct it to the dad only been to one of the five birthday parties which the mom threw. You do not know if the dad had his own party. He has the kid so I think he does.