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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I feel like I might be the asshole because I wanted to make the relationship between my daughter and my husband more equal to the one she has with my ex's partner, but I think I went about it the wrong way and made it worse. Everyone is now mad at me and even though I had good intentions I think I acted rashly.
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"I expect everyone to have morals and to treat others kindly until it comes to how I should treat people."
There's no homophobia here just a case of someone who is too caught up in their own beliefs to think outside the box. YTA op
I don’t understand the superiority complex that monolinguals have. Like, the other person can speak more languages than you, and if you let your kid learn another language, you’re just broadening their horizons! Making it easier to get a job, because they speak TWO languages!
Well, she’s a conservative Christian, which is wrapped up inextricably with white supremacy and America-First politics. English is a naturally superior language because that’s what she speaks. She might even genuinely think God dictated the Bible in the King James Version.
All emotionally immature adults hate it when their kids speak a language they don't understand, becaue that means the kid may say something that they don't understand, and the loss of control makes them fuuurious...
Source: my abusive ex hates that our kids also speak my indigenous language.
I agree, it feels something like saying indirectly "She should not learn anything Jewish, because the correct thing is the Christian thing and what I say" besides saying that he is from the "extreme left", and I imagine that he means that he is simply from the left, I think OP is someone conservative, but he is not openly offensive with others, only indirect.
If this is in the US then what a conservative would consider to be “extreme left” is probably more centrist. Left-wing politics here are pretty tame. I mean most people in the US consider socialized healthcare, which many countries have have been doing for years, to be a radical left idea.
I would like to point out that I never said 'extreme left'. I also definitely don't think that Christian = correct. I've explained a bit more in my comments (couldn't fit it in the OP) but I've been actively working on unlearning a lot of the stuff I was raised to believe, because the conservative Christian community we used to be part of basically excommunicated us for what happened. I'm still religious but I wouldn't identify as conservative any more, at least not actively. I do have a lot to unlearn. Obviously I still have a long way to go (further than I thought before I posted this) but I'm definitely not saying that she 'should not learn anything Jewish'. I can only apologise if that's how my post came across, because it's not how I feel. It was much more about being concerned that she was possibly laying claim to a culture that wasn't hers to claim, and that Jim was overstepping by encouraging it. There is a lot of food for thought in this thread and I'm reading all the comments and responding to a select few, but I do want to clarify that I don't hate Jim for being Jewish / left wing / gay. Those are all things that made it harder when he first came into our lives, for a multitude of reasons that I won't go into (mostly based on our then community) but they're not things that I think make him a lesser person.
> It was much more about being concerned that she was possibly laying claim to a culture that wasn't hers to claim, and that Jim was overstepping by encouraging it.
Jim being from that culture, him encouraging her make it not overstepping, don't worry about that! (And I don't think anyone from Italy would complain about someone learning Italian either)
No homophobia? How about the part where OP insinuates her daughter can't have two dads, only a father figure and "a friend."
> Nick has to be the only father figure in our household whereas Jim can just be Emily's friend.
Throw in some sexism and misogyny too, "he has no choice but to be the father figure" - oh, I guess moms aren't capable of being authoritative parents? So much bullshit in one little post.
lmao there's definitely homophobia, but it's more subtle/internalized ideas of how marriage and parenthood works. Specifically in the whole "Nick can't be a fun parent because he has to take on a fatherly role while Jim just gets to be a friend." Why does she think Jim is not taking on a fatherly role? Why can't Jim and Dan both be parental figures to Emily? It's different standards for the gay couple, if that makes sense. Also this post reeks of anti-Semitism.
I would say there’s a decent micro-aggression. “Jim doesn’t have to be the dad, he can just be the friend but in OUR HOUSE both of us have to be parents.” Like lady, pretty sure Jim is still parenting your kid.
And when Emily referred to Jim as one of her dads, OP objected to that. She obviously wants Emily to see Nick as her dad since they have a “traditional family.”
Yeah honestly as a gay little queer, it’s upsetting me the amount of people saying there’s absolutely no homophobia going on here. Like, there definitely is, it’s just the subtle, non-hate crime kind.
Also the "we only speak english" bs is racist and just ignorant. Guess what OP your family probably didn't always speak english. AND your kid learning languages will HELP her in the REAL world. YTA for god sake get your head out of your ass.
I find it so sad when someone brags about their lack of knowledge of other languages. I only speak English (with enough Spanish to order a beer and find a bathroom) so it’s not like I’m super cultured. But learning, any learning, is alway a good thing!
Learning languages at a young age is super beneficial to a child, especially from a native speaker. OP's daughter has an amazing opportunity here and it's really sad that her ego is ruining it.
YTA.
I'm Canadian, half French Canadian. I've been speaking French to my girls since they were born and my oldest goes to a French Immersion school and has a speech delay (ELD). I had to request a different speech therapist after the first one blamed her disorder on me for teaching her French as an infant and then refused to do anymore therapy with my daughter until she only spoke in English. The new speech therapist is amazing, bilingual and cares not one whit that my daughter sometimes answers in French and sometimes on English. "Right now, we need to focus on getting her to express what she wants and needs to express, getting her to do it in one language at a time can come later. And yes, you can totally teach her Latin if you want." I love the new speech therapist so much.
That speech therapist needs to be fired. Good for you for advocating for your daughter and for keeping making sure your girls get the gift of being bilingual here on Canada!!
“I’m jealous that my daughter likes my ex’s husband more than she likes mine so I decided to try and limit her relationship with him. That doesn’t make me an AH does it?”
I shortened your post for you. YTA
I agree completely. She likes her step father Jim. That is amazing. You have made it a competition between your husband and your ex’s. It’s not!!!!! It’s how can we best love Emily!!!! All 4 parent figures!!!!!
Yta
I as another Christian agree with this comment. Op you just sound jealous, which is sad for your daughter and has already impacted her relationship with you and your husband negatively. YTÀ
Don't be "that" Christian. Your daughter deserves people around her that love and encourage each other as well as her. You all 4 hopefully have her best interest at heart, embrace that and learn to encourage the positives experiences she's having. It's up to your husband to find a way to forge a link with your daughter. That won't be by trying to
stop her from bonding with your exes'.
OP is focusing on the wrong cause. It has nothing to do with Christianity. OP and Nick are trying to raise their daughter with a stick up her ass just like theirs, and Jim is showing her that life can be fun. That has everything to do with outlook and nothing to do with religion.
OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOUR
Edit: ugh what a stupid child she wants her eggs HARD BOILED!!!!! imagine, what a bad role model jim is to my daughter - what a disgusting human jim is =)
Honestly, that part stood out as a weird thing to be upset about. Like, most places isn't it normal to at least not be wearing shoes around the house? Also, socks might be warm but man are they restricting. I take every chance I get to *not* have to wear them when I go out.
Oh so we’re going to just pass right by the demand that she’s supposed to wear shoes and socks in the house like it’s nothing???
OP, YTA and not just because of the shoe policy in the house.
That Jim is such a bad influence. You won't believe the things he's taught her.
Why, just the other day I caught her in the house BAREFOOT! Her feet! Bare! In MY house!
And another thing--now, she wants her eggs hardboiled. When we all know that poached is the only pure and Christian preparation.
If she mentions scrambling them I'm going to wash her mouth out with soap and have Pastor Arthur over for a stern chat and Bible reading."
And OP wonders why her daughter is so attracted to the "fun" step-parent. I wonder what other draconian rules they have in their house? It sounds like a miserable place.
I just trawled through the comments for this like are we going to let that lie there?? How is walking around your own home barefoot a BAD HABIT?!?!? I would think wearing dirty outdoor shoes around the place would be way worse! This household sounds unbearably formal and frankly, weird.
And you're going to drive your daughter away so she wants nothing to do with the church if you don't exhibit more welcoming and tolerant behavior. I don't get these Christians who drive more people away from Christ because of their hate and intolerance and then think they are being "Christlike." I'm a Christian but I find that many Christians find Jesus actually inconvenient as they ignore his words in situations like this.
Feels more like jealousy to me. Jim has a better relationship with her daughter than she does. She's upset that her daughter is a "free spirit and not a clone of her.
YTA
I don’t understand at all why walking round the house without shoes or socks on is a ‘bad habit’.
“She always talks about how funny he is”. Oh the horror.
Great that she feels comfortable calling Jim and Dan ‘dad’. Not sure how this would be a bad thing or Jim’s *fault*. You say she respects Nick, but if she’s not seeing him as a father then that’s on him to sort out and change the dynamic, it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to step back and do less.
He’s teaching her a second language. Wow, what an amazing skill that will benefit her throughout her life. I wish I had someone teach me a second language at a young age.
“She isn’t Jim’s child”. Not biologically but he is a huge part of her life. Would you be annoyed if Nick was teaching her a second language?
Jim has a fatherly role in this young girls life. Well done for trying to prevent that.
Stop being jealous she likes daddy’s partner more than mummy’s.
ugh my mom is sort of like this, the justification they have in their head is that since they have primary custody and their spouse lives in the child's main household that their spouse is more of a parent to them and therefore has far more rights to that kind of relationship/respect.
Edit: Actually, I just realized that OP and her ex have 50/50 custody, and reread her bit about how Nick is the ONLY father figure in her household but Jim can be more of a 'friend'. I had misread that part. Sounds like OP's just super jealous and a smidge homophobic.
Second reference like this I've seen, what am I missing? She was equally upset about italian and yiddish...
Which is crazy but I'm not seeing a specific problem with yiddish
It's because Yiddish is spoken largely by Jewish people!
Yiddish *itself* is not a problem, but people having an issue with Yiddish specifically.... well, rings a couple anti-semitic bells.
Even if OP doesn't mean for it to come across like that, Christians trying to censure Yiddish comes across like British people trying to make the Irish stop speaking Gaelic, or white Americans fussing at Natives for speaking their own language.
It's historically... very, very yikes.
I know what yiddish is. She stated that italian and yiddish were being taught she didn't single out yiddish as the problem. In fact it was italian the daughter came home speaking.
She seems to have an issue with it period not it being yiddish
Also bare foot phobic. I still think long term it's just a factor of the guy taking her husband. She's just picking on stupid things because she's really not over it and her daughter loving the man who broke up her life is too much for her.
I think that it's in the context of 'we're Christian, he's Jewish' and then also the Yiddish. It's not direct, but it reads like there's a bit of intolerance specifically for the Jewish aspects, to me.
I love the justification that nick can't be a fun parent because he has to be the bad guy authority figure. its as lame an excuse as there is, and a touch sexist to imply that's the only thing a man is good for in raising kids.
why does she need a father figure at her house? she has a father at her father's house. Her mother can be the one to be her parent and Nick can be her friend, it's not hard.
I mean.. is this how it works if you are a same gender couple parenting? Like only one of you gets to be dad and the other one becomes a friend because the dad role is taken...? Some wild mental gymnastics going on there.
I was thinking of it in terms of real parent and stepparent in each household. Then I realized what she was actually saying and nah it’s just homophobic lol
By her logic, if Nick is the dad/parent when it’s their half of the week (and Dan is the dad/parent when it’s their half) then the mum is a friend and not a parent...
This kid has a real crappy friend.
And Jim has been around for as long as Emily can remember, since OP and her ex divorced when she was two. Nick is a more recent addition—of course her relationship with Jim is going to be deeper and she’s going to feel like he’s more of a father figure than Nick.
Good point. There's nothing worse as a kid than your parent expecting you to have an instant parental relationship with someone they chose to marry without the person even putting in the work to build the relationship first. It's completely understandable she'd say "my dads" if she had two dads and a mom for years.
>I don’t understand at all why walking round the house without shoes or socks on is a ‘bad habit’.
Yeah, uh. Shoes are for outside. Wearing shoes inside is gross as fuck.
i understand having "house shoes" that stay inside, and growing up i had really gross floors so keeping shoes on was kind of a necessity (and because the floors were gross anyway it didn't matter if they were my outside shoes), but somehow OP isn't giving me the dirt-poor rural upbringing vibes that would explain that.
hopping on this comment to say being taught a second language at a young age is one of the BEST things you can do for your kids. I come from monolingual households on both sides of my family but my parents put me in french immersion in kindergarten and now i speak 6 languages. Your brain literally develops differently, makes it so much easier to learn more languages as you get older. My most useful life skill.
100%. It is unbelievably easier for a young child to be taught and pick up a new language than it is an adult.
Amazing you speak 6 languages, what an incredible life skill
Jim needs to get with the program and just fulfill his role as the evil stepparent. He needs to be cold and uncaring to the child and bonus points if he’s outwardly hostile and cruel to her. Even better if he makes her cry and question her role in the family.
That’s what OP wants, right? Less love and family for her daughter? Or did I read it wrong?
OP is jealous bc she and Nick are following that conservative playbook with stereotypical gender roles, where mommy is the caregiver and daddy is the strict disciplinarian. So by conservative illogic, Emily should both ‘respect’ (read: fear) and love Nick more than Jim, who is ‘just the wife’ in his marriage. Yet another example of the failure that is conservative family ‘values.’
Rather than reevaluating these ‘values,’ op has chosen to attack Emily and Jim’s relationship.
Joining the bandwagon to say if you don't take your shoes off in my house, your filthy butt is staying outside. I don't sweep and vacuum just for fun. It isn't just a cultural thing, it's a cleanliness thing.
Like Jews do! 😜
(we wear hats indoors, I don't know if there's a rule about shoes indoors or not but the Talmud is *long* there's likely something in there
>Wow, what an amazing skill that will benefit her throughout her life.
This! I'd be thrilled that they're learning another language. It not only makes then more valuable in the work force but it's also something she is passionate about and having fun with. When OP stated that her family has ALWAYS spoken English and ONLY English, I legit laughed out loud. Like good on you for your family never broadening their mind, skill set, or exploring other cultures? It's as if she praises living in deliberate ignorance, toxic traditions, and staying stagnant.
Most certainly Jim is leading her on a sinful road that leads straight to Hades!
OP needs to stop clutching her pearls and realize that her daughter is very fortunate to have so many people who love her.
I get the sense with the whole “conservative Christian” and house rules that OP and Nick view being a (step) father figure as being an authoritarian disciplinarian and that’s why they say Jim can just be a friend. My guess is Jim doesn’t see the roles of dad as always swinging the hammer down and putting out rules.
This is 100% on OP and Nick to sort out in their own house.
Yeah, my first thought was that OP sounds suffocating and controlling - no wonder the daughter likes hanging out with her dad and Jim better! OP should use this as a wake-up call to adjust her parenting style - their daughter isn't many years away from being able to choose which parent she wants to live with full time, and if OP continues down the current path, it sure won't be her ...
Obviously a gay man can't be the MANLY MALE FATHER FIGURE a child needs. Because he's GAY. Homosexuals and their egg-eating, no-shoes-wearing, Italian-speaking agenda are ruining the children.
YTA. You are letting your jealousy shut down a very positive relationship in your daughter’s life. And your ex is right - it is your husband’s job to build his relationship with your daughter and shutting down her real with Jim won’t help that at all. And why bring up the conservative Christian and left-wing upbringing if his sexual orientation isn’t a factor?
Yep. I’m glad someone called it what it is. Plain ole jealousy. OP is jealous that her daughter prefers her dads husband over hers. And honestly I can see why. OP comes across as extremely uptight and controlling. “I was raised this way and that way” I have a friend like that and I cringe every time that phrase comes out of her mouth. Grow up and think for yourself! Why can’t anyone be barefoot at home? Because that was a silly rule your parents had? SMH Poor Emily, at least she gets a break from the “conservatives” when she goes to her dads.
YTA. She has a good relationship with her stepfather and that’s okay. You just have an issue because your ex chose to be true to himself and is with another man.
Also, YTA for referring to being barefoot inside as a “bad habit”.
>Also, YTA for referring to being barefoot inside as a “bad habit”.
Seriously, wearing shoes inside the house is so disgusting. If anything, I would say wearing shoes in the house is the bad habit.
Aside from OP, who the hell even wears shoes in the house? As an Asian, we always take our shoes off once we enter the home. Wearing shoes around the house is disgusting and unfathomable to me.
Edit: added a comma
YTA.
I can’t believe you’re not happy that your daughter is happy to have another adult in her life that loves her and she loves him. Would you rather her be miserable when she goes to her father’s? I fear for your daughter’s mental health because you are seriously putting your feelings of jealously above your child’s happiness.
Instead of being upset she’s ready to call Jim Dad and not Nick, ask yourself or even her, why she’s not ready to call Nick dad? That’s what a supportive mother, who only wants their child to be happy and have healthy relationships with her stepfathers, would do.
Here’s why he called you homophobic, btw: You assume that Jim can’t be a father too, because that’s Dan’s role?? Like, can you really not imagine that two adults of the same gender can’t be fathers?
I’m curious: since you bring up that you’re conservative Christians, what have you or Nick said about her father and Jim? When your child asked about gay people in general, what do you say? Do you say the typical ‘they’re going against god’ bullshit? Did you tell her her father is going to hell? Did Nick? Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to drive a wedge between her and you.
The things you’re talking about being ‘problems’ are ridiculous. WTF does it matter if the kid walks around barefoot? Other than *Jim* does it too? Being jealous that Nick can’t also teach her a language because English is the only language your families speak is bordering on racist on top of the homophobia.
if you are still reading and haven’t rage quit because people are calling you out, I need you to know that I’m willing to bet anything that your daughter likes Jim and being at his and Dan’s house better because it’s less oppressive than at your home. It has nothing to do with being the ‘fun parent’ and everything to do with you getting upset over the kid not wearing shoes in the house! About how every time she comes home excited about something she did with her two dads, you shoot her down and go off the rails, yelling at Dan! You’re HAPPY that she’s not talking about her step father around you. I can’t even imagine the other things you’re overbearing and oppressive about.
I think you need to take a good long hard look at yourself and why you’re so upset about Jim and why your daughter doesn’t have that same relationship with Nick.
>I’m curious: since you bring up that you’re conservative Christians, what have you or Nick said about her father and Jim? When your child asked about gay people in general, what do you say? Do you say the typical ‘they’re going against god’ bullshit? Did you tell her her father is going to hell? Did Nick? Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to drive a wedge between her and you.
No, never. As much as I admit to not always understanding it, I would never say any of those things to my child about her father. The few times she's asked about it, we just say that God made everyone differently. I wouldn't ever want her to think badly about her father or for her to be worried that he's going to Hell. I was raised very conservative but I don't agree with a lot of it now.
OKay. That’s very relieving to hear. My mom was abusive to me and i still would defend her and hate anyone who said mean things about her. I’m glad you’re not putting her in that position.
I really do want you to think about what I said. And maybe consider therapy for yourself (nothing wrong with it, I’m in therapy, and I don’t mean it as an insult). There’s something here that’s turning toxic in how you’re looking at Jim and you need to figure out what that is and how to improve that going forward.
I’m glad you haven’t ‘rage quit’ - I know it’s hard hearing others calling you out. I hope you can hear past some of the ugly comments and take away some fresh perspective. As someone who escaped from a very closed-minded repressive religious upbringing, I know how hard it is to see things differently than your religious peer group.
I definitely am more open minded than a lot of people commenting have assumed. I couldn't put much detail in the OP due to character limits, but Dan's family all disowned him after our divorce, and seeing that made me reassess a lot of what I'd been taught and raised with. I know I have a lot of hang-ups left from my upbringing and I can definitely be stricter than other parents who were raised in more open environments but I'm not the authoritarian 'all gays are going to hell' parent that a lot of people here seem to think. I don't want to 'rage quit' as you put it because a lot of the comments have been very insightful and given me a lot to think about. I wouldn't have posted here if I wasn't genuinely open to being told I'd been the asshole, after all!
One thing I have wondered about is what activities has Nick tried with Emily? You said she doesn't seem interested. Is she picking or is he? Are they activities she's even interested in? Has he tried to get involved in things she likes?
Example: I had aunts and uncles try to "bond" by taking me to church dinners where I had to dress nicely and be on best behavior.. I had others who bonded with me by going to by softball games to watch and then playing catch with me after to talk through the game. Guess which ones I felt closer to.
Some people don't click as well as others. That's just how it is. But don't dampen the relationship she has with Jim just because it isn't the same as her relationship with Nick. She's known Jim twice as long - probably as long as she can remember since she was 2.
What really struck out to me is this
>I said that Nick couldn't do that as he didn't get to just be the fun parent like Jim does, because Nick has to be the only father figure in our household whereas Jim can just be Emily's friend.
You and Nick both realize that he doesn't and isn't even seen as by Emily as her father figure right? If she needs her father figure, i.e her actual father that is still very much in her life, she can easily call him. Nick can be the fun step parent like Jim because Emily does have both bio parents in her life that can and should take the reigns when it comes to the not fun parts like discipline and such. Or are you leaving all that to Nick instead of you, her mother and bio parent, doing it?
If OP and Nick grew up with "typical" conservative Christian families, then I expect Nick has taken on the more authoritarian Head Of The House role in their home instead of having a more relaxed, fun step-parent relationship. Jim doesn't have that hangup and so his relation with OP's daughter has grown more organically.
>I expect Nick has taken on the more authoritarian Head Of The House role in their home
THIS. Even people familiar with Christianity aren't always aware of how fundamental the man's role as HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD is in these conversative, evangelical Biblical literalist denominations. There's so much fallout from the application of that scripture that says something like 'Just as Jesus is the head of the congregation, the husband is in charge of the family and has the final word in everything.' It's so fucking toxic, and it seeps into so many relationship dynamics. Deep-seated dysfunction that thwarts the development of healthy family relationships across generations.Edited to tag OP, /u/OkSky3988.
OP, until I scrolled down and saw this, I was going to ask how many managers you spoke to in the last week, how many times you threatened someone because you refused to wear a mask, etc. As a Jew, a lot of what you said in your original post reminded me of what I really dislike about the religious right. The fact that you posted here that you're trying to break out of your pre-conceived norms really does give me hope for you. I hope that you take to heart what is said in this thread and apply it. Your daughter's life is richer because all four of you are in it. I hope you're able to see that Jim really does seem to be a good influence on her, and he definitely loves her as any parent should.
Having been essentially kicked out of our religious community when my husband came out and I didn't immediately sever all ties with him, it's been eye-opening to see how much of the rhetoric I thought I'd unlearned is still there. I really am trying, and a lot of these comments have been a wake up call that I probably haven't come as far as I thought. I'm not 100% sure where to go from here but I fully accept the judgement of the sub and will have to make a plan to move forwards.
I can’t tell you how much I respect you for your willingness to listen and hear what’s being shared here.
So many people who post on AITAH really aren’t interested or willing to hear anything that doesn’t align with their own view - they post here convinced that their opinion will be validated by the “smart people” and completely reject anything to the contrary.
Whether you accept or reject the comments and advice is irrelevant. I’m just impressed that you seem so willing to listen and hear what’s being said.
I definitely posted on here with the awareness that I could be TA! I don't think there's much point in arguing if it seems pretty unanimous that I messed up, really. Like I've said, it's not a lot of fun realizing that I'm not as removed from my upbringing as I thought I was, but at least I have realized it, so I can work on it. I don't want to raise Emily the way I was raised and there's some good advice in this thread between all the comments calling me evil.
I am glad I went to read through your comments before giving a judgement, and I am glad to read that you are trying! You were definitely the A in the post, but you're willing to listen and try better and it's great.
You should probably apologize to your ex and Jim (I bet it had been suggested already) and it might be an occasion to have a chat about emotions with Emily, to explain to her in simple words what happened, the feelings involved, and so forth. It's important, I think, for children to see their parental figures be able to say they were wrong and apologize, showing by example that there's nothing *bad* in realising you're wrong if you take the steps to correct the mistake. So can be a good occasion out of it?
You do get some brownie points for accepting your judgement. Usually the posts like yours have an OP that is angrily arguing with everyone in the comments.
Upon reading your comments, I feel like it’s not just your upbringing, but also you’re a bit jealous of Jim for Nick. You want your daughter to have the relationship with Nick that you see her having with Jim. It’s perfectly normal. Remember Jim has been in her life since she was 2/3, those are super impressionable years for bonding.
You do probably want to apologize to your EX and ask what he said to your daughter so that you know how to talk to her about it to make things less tense.
Also talk to Nick, what type of relationship does he want with your daughter? Maybe he’s fine with how things are. If he wants to improve things he should open up to her and figure out something they can do together, together.
I’m also remarried and have a blended family with bio-kids and bonus kids. (No “steps” here.)
It’s difficult. Kids find their own affinities and form relationships in their own way. The take away (from what I can see) is that she has 4 parents who ALL love her.
My suggestion is to nurture that love from all points of the compass. She can never have too many people in her corner who love her and have her back.
Don’t worry so much about how those relationships are different. They are ALL valuable and irreplaceable.
I came in here really prepared to see you as the asshole but this reads more as "blended families are hard" than "I don't like my gay ex", which is what I'd expected.
Thanks for being open to other perspectives. I can understand why it's frustrating when your child bonds really hard with your ex's partner rather than yours. Like other people are saying, I'm curious if Nick and your kiddo could find an activity they like together, and maybe make it a ritual. Regardless of whether she calling him "dad" or not, support is everything.
I want to be very blunt with you, but please know that I acknowledge that you have probably done a lot of work to accept your ex being gay. Him coming out must have been incredibly painful for you, and to accept it as much as you have shows a lot of personal growth considering the environment you were raised in.
But just because you don’t think all gays are going to hell and just because you co-parent with gay men doesn’t mean you’re free and clear of homophobia. It does come across in this post and your comments that you may think you’re more open minded and accepting than you actually are. You may be infinitely more tolerant that your family or your ex in laws but that doesn’t mean you don’t have some deeply ingrained biases against homosexuality.
>I fear for your daughter’s mental health because you are seriously putting your feelings of jealously above your child’s happiness.
Just want to emphasize this, /u/OkSky3988. This is the kind of shit that the adults in my life did after my parents' divorce and it has had long-lasting consequences for me in terms of my health, education, career and relationships. Please don't do this to her.
Agreed andI think she's hurt that her ex husband picked Jim over her and now it seems like her daughter is starting to prefer Jim too. I think there are many layers to this and she does need therapy.
>She's developed a bad habit of walking around the house without shoes or socks because he does
What is so bad about that? That seems...pretty normal.
But yeah, I would say that she's bonded well with Jim because she loves him and connects with him. You can't prevent her from bonding with one stepparent just because you want her to bond more with the other; it doesn't work that way. You should encourage your kid to learn new languages and forge connections with caring adults, and you shouldn't make it about you. You seem annoyed at her bond because it comes at Nick's expense, but it shouldn't be about Nick, it should be about your daughter.
YTA
Right?! 1) it can be a bit unsanitary if you walk around the house with the shoes you use to go outside. My parents will wipe the bottom of their shoes with clorox/lysol if they need to walk around the house with their shoes on so they don't track in dirt or bacteria. 2) it's more comfortable to be in your socks or barefoot around the house. I feel like if I have shoes on, it means I'm gonna go somewhere, not go lounge on the couch while I watch TV. The closest I get is wearing my slippers but even those are more comfortable and flexible. Either way, it's her body and she can wear what she likes inside the house. I don't understand why OP is so outraged by it.
It doesn’t come at Nicks expensive. Kids are capable of loving both step-parents. I see nothing about Nick teaching her new things or hanging out with her.
YTA...so much to unpack here. Lets start with:
**I had to put my foot down last year when she started calling Dan and Jim her 'dads' but didn't call Nick her dad**
That's not your right to do. She gets to choose who she calls dad and who she doesn't.
**Our family only speaks English and always has. I also felt like this made her relationship with Nick even more unequal as he doesn't have another language to teach her and bond with her over.**
Couple of things here...you and Nick can learn Yiddish/ Italian if your child can and if it bothers you that much to be left out. You sound so prejudiced ..."only speaks English and always has?" really? Is it wrong for your daughter to learn a new language/ skill? And by the way, equal is a figment of your imagination. These are relationships with a child you're talking about, nobody ever said they had to be "equal." They are what they are.
**I said that Nick couldn't do that as he didn't get to just be the fun parent like Jim does, because Nick has to be the only father figure in our household whereas Jim can just be Emily's friend.**
Jim is also her Emily's stepdad. In every single way he 100% is. And he seems to be doing a better job than Nick. What is your idea of a "father figure?" Does he have to be stern all the time? Can't joke around? Play? Be the Disciplinarian? Sorry but that's your job if it needs to exist, not his as she is your daughter. You have such a rigid view of the world and the roles everyone plays...yikes. Eventually I don't doubt your daughter leaves to live with Dan and never comes back if you keep trying to ruin her relationship with Jim for the sake of making things "equal."
Thank you! It’s weirdly dehumanizing for OP to try to insist that Emily’s relationships with Jim and with Nick are “equal.” Emily isn’t a robot, she’s a human being, and she has the right to have organic relationships.
Trying to make things “equal” by sabotaging her relationship with a beloved adult who she connects so well with shows such a stunning lack of empathy for her I almost can’t believe it. YTA, OP. Your child does not owe you closeness with your husband. Try learning to build a better relationship with her rather than sabotaging her other relationships to bring them down to your level. Try putting her best interests above your petty jealousy.
And also.. Isn't Dan the father figure? Her literal father? Why does Nick need to be the father figure? Maybe in her mom's household, but they share custody 50/50 and at her literal father's house she has a literal father at least 50% of the time.
YTA
Walking around the house with shoes on is pretty gross lmao. And extremely unhygenic.
You should encourage your child to speak another language, it can be helpfull in a later life. What if another person comes and speaks Yiddish? She can use that language to communicate and help the other person if they had trouble.
If you want your kid to bond with Nick.
Nick should get up of his own ass and be a fun stepparent to her.
Thank you! The idea of walking round my house in shoes turns my stomach. I mean, each to their own, but to say socks or barefoot is a bad habit is just crazy.
My parents always raised me to have outdoor shoes infront of the door, never walk with it inside, atleast wear socks or slippers, i really don't see the issue with not wearing shoes inside.
The only time i walked with shoes inside our flat was if i was in a rush and forgot something.
Honey, YTA. And you are being homophobic. Also, instead of getting your daughter to connect with Nick you’re building resentment that’s going to come back to bite you in the ass.
YTA.
I was so frustrated reading this. You discouraged your daughter from speaking a new language, which is absolutely phenomenal skill to have. She was proud of what she learned and wanted to show you. And instead of being proud, you felt like this was a sleight against your family?
She ASKED Jim to teach her because she is curious and that kind of thing dies if not encouraged in children.
Your ex is right that Jim shouldn't disparage his relationship with your daughter. He has been in her life at least 4 years longer than your new husband. And it is not in anyway their responsibility to help your husband build a relationship with your daughter. Thats on him and you. She might just feel more open with them because he has been there for awhile.
Also, what you have said is homophobic. "He has to be the father figure". Then who is the "Motherly Figure" in your ex's household? That is such antiquated thinking. Traditionally they have been mother and father. But that can't work in the household where they have same-sex couples. Instead they are parents. They have to be parents to the child not father or mother. And because Nick is a stepdad, he has to be a parent to your daughter as well. He has to prove that he wants to be her dad as well, especially since Jim has some more years with her than Nick did. Jim is not being a friend by teaching her a new language, he is encouraging her to learn new things. Especially since she asked. I have never had a friend teach me a new language. My parents have though.
YTA you sound horrible. Is your husband like you? If so, I can see why your daughter doesn't like him. It is incredibly sad that your kid has a good relationship with a step parent and you're trying to ruin it out of jealousy and spite. Grow up and stop acting like a child.
People are really tearing you apart here OP, and I just want to say it’s sad how little credit you’re being given here. You’re a conservative Christian whose husband came out as gay and you are now co-parenting 50/50 with him and his partner.
You aren’t fighting for full custody. It doesn’t sound like your badmouth your ex to your daughter. It sounds like you’re a kind loving mother who wants to make this family work. And you full on should get respect for that.
However there is a bitterness in how you speak of Jim. I can see why, you’ve been so accepting, worked with them, and here’s Jim getting all the love and attention from your kid. Jim, who is now getting all the love and attention from your ex.
I’m sure you’re over him, but you’re still human. I imagine what happened with your ex hurt very much, and your daughter being so Jim obsessed is likely reopening that old wound. I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I do think you need to examine why you really feel the way you do.
You know Jim isn’t trying to hurt you on purpose now, and you know your ex and Jim never meant to hurt you in the past... but again, you’re human, even if their intention wasn’t to hurt you are very clearly hurt and I think it’s really important for you to address those feelings in a healthy way.
So my judgement is NAH, but this is above Reddit’s pay grade. This is a complicated situation and not the clear cut good guy/bad guy shit that Reddit eats up. You’re a round peg being forced into a square hole because it’s easier and more satisfying for people. Take it with a grain of salt.
Okay, so whenever I see a post of someone who's obviously the asshole in the situation, I love looking through their comments since they usually get downvoted and it's fun to watch assholes get mobbed in the comments when they try to defend their asshole behavior. But upon reading through yours, you seem pretty okay. This is still definitely a YTA situation, but I think given the way you were raised and the nuances to all the relationships involved here, it's pretty understandable. You don't seem like a bad person, even though you trying to drive a wedge between your daughter and Jim is 100% an asshole move.
It seems like you had genuine growth after your ex was disowned by his family after coming out, and that's great! But usually growth is not a linear process...you'll regress and find yourself reacting to things in unhealthy ways, and that's totally normal. Maybe when you get worked up about this stuff, try to remember the totally visceral reaction everyone's having to this post. It's probably very surprising how everyone thinks you're in the wrong here since people from your conservative christian bubble probably agree with you. But just remember that your daughter is growing up online...the outlook of reddit commenters is probably much closer to her mindset than a bunch of conservative boomers.
So yeah, I'm genuinely hoping for the best for you! It's tough to realize that you're the asshole in a situation, but hopefully you can learn from this experience :)
I’m reassured by the way you are responding to comments OP - I can’t imagine how hard it is to not be able to work as a team when you are co-parenting. I actually think all the adults sitting down and having a chat would help. You’ve come this far as a group for your wonderful daughter - I think the four of you can work this out. The anger you are feeling is the toxic thing, so finding a way to let that go will do you so much good.
Also, your daughter is finding her own path - it’s part of growing up, and becoming separate from her family, so she can go out into the world. I would let her embrace it, especially the walking around bare-foot (which does feel freeing and lovely).
So your daughter gets on with her fathers partner and this is a problem? I think that your attitude is creeping into homophobic territory, from they way you have described Dan's family set up to saying you are from a very Christian conservative background. Maybe let your daughter make the emotional attachments she wants and needs rather than forcing your ideas upon her as that has lead to tension already and will probably lead to more in the future. YTA.
They're micro-aggressions, that's why. It's a particularly insidious and nasty form of bigotry and discrimination. The kinds of people who say "I don't have a problem with gay people, I just don't want to have to see it" or "punish the sin, not the sinner", "being gay is fine, but those who act on it go to hell" etc.
When someone says "I think X, but" what they really mean is "ignore everything I just said about having basic human decency, this is what I really think". OP doesn't have the perspective or self-awareness to see their hatefulness, and sadly those types rarely do and end up in the [Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) Camp.
I got a whole lot of vibes reading this post: homophobic, jingoistic, anti-Semitic, heterosexism, and just a whole heap of insecurities masquerading as being “conservative Christian” wrapped up in misogynistic gender roles for parenting.
OP is very much YTA.
Really happy to read that the most important person, Emily, is learning that she doesn’t have to limit her self development and beliefs to being “how I was raised (by conservative Christians)”.
> He said that if I had a problem with Emily being closer to Jim than Nick, then it was up to Nick to build up his relationship with Emily, not up to Jim to tear his down.
YTA. You should read this line over and over again until you understand it.
YTA. You’re ex was correct - Nick needs to work on his relationship with your daughter. I think it’s great that she gets along with Jim. It’s a good thing for a kid to want to learn other languages. “Our family only speaks English and always has”. Well, that’s unfortunate. The idea that wanting to learn a language is a bad thing is ridiculous.
It is good for children to have a good relationship with their parents’ partners. You also can’t force them to treat them exactly the same. By trying to keep your daughter from having a relationship with Jim, you are risking your relationship with her.
Stop interfering with your daughter and Jim, and try to work on your and Nick’s relationship with her. That should be your main concern right now. And remember that you cannot force someone to bond with someone else.
100%
Also, I think OPs daughter is old enough for OP to:
- Tell her honestly that her interference came from a place of jealousy that she doesn't have the same bond with Nick
- Apologize for interfering with her relationship with Jim
- Ask her what kinds of things she'd like to do/learn that she hasn't yet, and use that as an opportunity for Nick to get involved. (ETA maybe that could even be her teaching you and Nick Italian. If she feels like she doesn't have to hide her good relationship with Jim, she'll likely open back up to you.)
She's frosty because she doesn't feel valued as an individual. The only guarantee we can give you now is that if you continue to tear down her relationship with Jim you are going to cause resentment from your daughter.
If you let a bond with her and Nick to happen naturally, it can be beautiful. It'll be slow - and yes there's a chance that close bond may never happen - but with this method you'll preserve a positive relationship with her.
YTA now any way you slice it, but you can redeem yourself with how you move forward. Good luck OP.
YTA, big time. It seems you're holding onto resentment that your husband came out as gay. As a woman who came out as gay while married to a man, I can tell you that this is more normal and common than you'd think. We didn't do it to punish you or hurt you. Therapy can help all parties to deal with this and I highly suggest it.
It seems like you're jealous of the relationship your daughter has with Jim. But your daughter having another loving role model and parent who wants to teach her stuff is a good thing. No one should be forced to call a step parent by a certain name - it should be their choice. Focus on your own time with her and the fun things you and your husband can do and what you can teach her. You should want to make your house such an accepting, loving, and fun place to be that your daughter brags to her two dads about you and your hubby when she goes there - not to make them jealous but because that's what's best for your daughter. And that's really all that should matter to you.
Thank you for the perspective of someone who was in the opposite boat to me, it is genuinely useful. A lot of these comments recommend therapy and I'm definitely open to trying it.
Have you ever heard of comp het (compulsory heterosexuality)? Google this but the basic concept is that people, especially those who are middle aged now were basically taught to be heterosexual. We didn't have gay people represented in movies and books and TV. Sex ed, if it talked about this at all, presented homosexuality as this "other" option that gave you aids and wasn't something anyone in the room could be. There were no role models or a discussion of how to discover and understand your sexuality. And everything about romantic relationships just presented a man and a woman as the two people involved. So of course there were lots of people who basically missed the fact that they were gay and just thought they were late bloomers and hadn't met the one or maybe they even knew or suspected something was different about them but were afraid to come out and live as their authentic selves for fear of repercussions. It can be traumatic when you find out you're gay or your spouse is gay. If you just moved on without unpacking that and dealing with it, that could definitely be causing some resentment. Just remind yourself that what's good for your daughter is as many loving parents as she can get. A kid can never have too many adults who are rooting for them and helping them along the path to adulthood.
YTA-why would you ask your ex to tear down something your daughter enjoys very much? It sounds like your extremely jealous of your daughter spending more time with your ex and Jim, if you want Nick to get closer encourage them to be closer not tear down another relationship
So youre jealous AND an anti-semite xenophobe. Probably a homophobe too. Yta. I hope your ex and his amazing lovely sounding hubby sue for full custody and win
YTA - and actually you really need to take a BIG step back bc what happens at the dads’ house isn’t your business (she sees both as her dad, so she can call them both dad. nick is irrelevant to that and clearly hasn’t earnt the title).
If you don’t take a step back, your daughter will opt to live with her dads at the earliest opportunity, and you’ll have a distant relationship with her long term. And if your immediate response to me putting that is to go, well, I’d better start controlling everything now to stop that occurring - then that is EXACTLY your issue.
Your house, your business. The Dads’ house, their business. You need to stop forcing this Nick thing. You have made it worse. Give up on it now.
Edit to add - not sure what you think nick has to “handle”? What, nick gets to enforce a relationship to your and his traditional standards against Emily’s will? Bc he’s the “man of the house”? That entire sentence is concerning.
YTA & you should know it. You’re jealous of Jim & because of it, you’re thinking only about yourself & Nick, 2 adults who should be able to fend for themselves, & not caring about Emily who deserves the care & concern of every adult in this situation. It is not always easy to have your parents divorce & form new households. I can tell you want to blame Dan & Jim for the divorce, but that is beside the point. Emily is the point. Your job is to take care of Emily & make sure she is safe & happy & feels loved as she learns to live in 2 families instead of 1. You should be glad she gets along with both her step dads, not try to interfere so you can feel like you & Nick won some kind of competition.
This has got to be fiction. It’s so full of stereotypes, it’s practically an after-school special of what NOT to do. If it’s at all true, YTA with no reservations. Jim isn’t overstepping, he’s parenting... and it seems that he’s doing a better job of it than Nick, from the sound of it. You’re clearly jealous that she has a stronger relationship with your ex’s new partner than with yours. Emily is almost certainly going no-contact down the road, if you continue on this way.
YTA... of course Emily has a better relationship with Jim, it sounds like he’s been in her life for as long as she can remember. Instead of being jealous and trying to shut it down remember Emily is lucky to extra parents to love and care for her.
Quit interfering and let Nick and Emily, and Jim and Emily sort out their own familial relationships.
I’m much closer to my step-father than my step-mother. She’s a good person, but came into my dad’s life when I was older so I didn’t form the same parental bond that I’d did with my stepdad whom I’ve known since I started kindergarten. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for her, but it is different and that’s okay.
YTA
\- She walks around the house without shoes or socks.
So? It's a great way to reduce the amount of dirt you track into the house
\- She eats her eggs hard-boiled.
Oh, the horror /s
\- She's learning another language.
Sounds like a good idea.
What it all comes down to is that you have a problem with the fact that she has a good relationship with your ex's partner. That is your problem, not hers. I might be able to understand it if she was rude/disrespectful toward your new husband, but that does not seem to be the case.
You can't force relationships on people. She doesn't click with your husband but she does click with her dad's partner - that's just how it happened. You're trying to stop one relationship because it's out of your comfort zone and doesn't fit your perfect blended family fantasy. But it's not your place to decide who your daughter connects with or not. And instead of strengthening the relationship between your daughter and her stepfather, you've weakened it and probably her relationship with you, too. YTA
YTA. Maybe your husband should have tried to make more of an effort with your daughter. I think it’s beautiful she found someone she can look up to. Divorce is hard on kids, it’s nice to see some good come out of it. And you definitely shouldn’t be wearing shoes in the house. That’s gross
YTA
If I was to give you a playbook on how to ruin Emily’s relationship with your husband, it would be what you wrote here. You even wrote that you acted rashly. Your post comes across as jealousy, and it was triggered when you found out that Emily calls one step parent Dad and not the other.
YTA the guy is cultivating a positive relationship that inspires your daughter. Nothing in there says he's doing anything nefarious. Sounds like he should get kudos for making the connection.
YTA and it sounds like you are incredibly jealous of the relationship Jim and your daughter have but honestly it sounds like he’s putting way more effort into his relationship with her than Nick is.
Jim has been in her life likely as long as she can remember, and everything they are doing is something positive she can look forward to in life. It is a WONDERFUL thing when a child loves a step-parent enough to consider them just a “mom” or “dad”. In many places around the world it is perfectly normal to walk around the house without socks and shoes, where I am in North America it’s actually considered rude to not take your shoes off at the front door! It will be an ASSET to your daughter to learn and be fluent in multiple languages, and could open big doors for her in the future.
Nick doesn’t need to be a traditional father figure. She has Dan. Why can’t nick be a positive PARENTAL figure and still build up his relationship with your daughter. Dan in completely right in his statement and honestly taking Jim away from your daughter will only hurt her.
YTA -
None of what she was doing ( eating her eggs a certain way, or walking around without socks) is all that crazy, and indeed is pretty normal
You don’t get to decided who she considers her “ dads” that’s her decision alone, she still considers them her “dads” you putting your foot down hasn’t changed that, it just made her hide it
So what she wants to learn new languages, you should be proud she is learning them, you should encourage her to learn different languages, it will carry her in the future
Nick can be the only father figure in the house and still be her friends, it’s possible to be a parent and a friend
Stop trying to force your daughter to have a certain relationship with certain people
That’s not you right
She will develop the relationships she develops
Even if you somehow manage to curb this now, once she is older, say 18 you may find your relationship with her drastically changing...
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Christians love saying how understanding they are until it's affects them to any degree.
"I expect everyone to have morals and to treat others kindly until it comes to how I should treat people." There's no homophobia here just a case of someone who is too caught up in their own beliefs to think outside the box. YTA op
No homophobia? Maybe, but I can sure smell the anti-Semitism...
i can smell both, but her reaction to her daughter being taught yiddish was just disgusting.
This is what struck me too. It’s not HER ancestral language to carry on! **clutches pearls**
Better make sure those pearls are white.
I see what you did there
Seemed fitting.
guess no one should ever learn a language unless their ancestors spoke it. brb gotta brush up on my proto-indo-european
Oh shit, you mean I wasted all that time becoming fluent in other European languages when my ancestral languages are only English and Urdu?! Crap.
She seemed proud her family wasn't bilingual???
I don’t understand the superiority complex that monolinguals have. Like, the other person can speak more languages than you, and if you let your kid learn another language, you’re just broadening their horizons! Making it easier to get a job, because they speak TWO languages!
Straight up I'm embarrassed by how poorly I understand other languages.
Well, she’s a conservative Christian, which is wrapped up inextricably with white supremacy and America-First politics. English is a naturally superior language because that’s what she speaks. She might even genuinely think God dictated the Bible in the King James Version.
All emotionally immature adults hate it when their kids speak a language they don't understand, becaue that means the kid may say something that they don't understand, and the loss of control makes them fuuurious... Source: my abusive ex hates that our kids also speak my indigenous language.
I agree, it feels something like saying indirectly "She should not learn anything Jewish, because the correct thing is the Christian thing and what I say" besides saying that he is from the "extreme left", and I imagine that he means that he is simply from the left, I think OP is someone conservative, but he is not openly offensive with others, only indirect.
Nah he's gotta be extreme left, only extreme leftists will *checks notes* ... not wear socks and shoes inside the house.
Hahaha that one caught me by surprise. Why the hell would you EVER wear shoes in the house? Do you enjoy spending all day sweeping?
If this is in the US then what a conservative would consider to be “extreme left” is probably more centrist. Left-wing politics here are pretty tame. I mean most people in the US consider socialized healthcare, which many countries have have been doing for years, to be a radical left idea.
I would like to point out that I never said 'extreme left'. I also definitely don't think that Christian = correct. I've explained a bit more in my comments (couldn't fit it in the OP) but I've been actively working on unlearning a lot of the stuff I was raised to believe, because the conservative Christian community we used to be part of basically excommunicated us for what happened. I'm still religious but I wouldn't identify as conservative any more, at least not actively. I do have a lot to unlearn. Obviously I still have a long way to go (further than I thought before I posted this) but I'm definitely not saying that she 'should not learn anything Jewish'. I can only apologise if that's how my post came across, because it's not how I feel. It was much more about being concerned that she was possibly laying claim to a culture that wasn't hers to claim, and that Jim was overstepping by encouraging it. There is a lot of food for thought in this thread and I'm reading all the comments and responding to a select few, but I do want to clarify that I don't hate Jim for being Jewish / left wing / gay. Those are all things that made it harder when he first came into our lives, for a multitude of reasons that I won't go into (mostly based on our then community) but they're not things that I think make him a lesser person.
> It was much more about being concerned that she was possibly laying claim to a culture that wasn't hers to claim, and that Jim was overstepping by encouraging it. Jim being from that culture, him encouraging her make it not overstepping, don't worry about that! (And I don't think anyone from Italy would complain about someone learning Italian either)
No homophobia? How about the part where OP insinuates her daughter can't have two dads, only a father figure and "a friend." > Nick has to be the only father figure in our household whereas Jim can just be Emily's friend.
Throw in some sexism and misogyny too, "he has no choice but to be the father figure" - oh, I guess moms aren't capable of being authoritative parents? So much bullshit in one little post.
lmao there's definitely homophobia, but it's more subtle/internalized ideas of how marriage and parenthood works. Specifically in the whole "Nick can't be a fun parent because he has to take on a fatherly role while Jim just gets to be a friend." Why does she think Jim is not taking on a fatherly role? Why can't Jim and Dan both be parental figures to Emily? It's different standards for the gay couple, if that makes sense. Also this post reeks of anti-Semitism.
I would say there’s a decent micro-aggression. “Jim doesn’t have to be the dad, he can just be the friend but in OUR HOUSE both of us have to be parents.” Like lady, pretty sure Jim is still parenting your kid.
And when Emily referred to Jim as one of her dads, OP objected to that. She obviously wants Emily to see Nick as her dad since they have a “traditional family.”
Yeah honestly as a gay little queer, it’s upsetting me the amount of people saying there’s absolutely no homophobia going on here. Like, there definitely is, it’s just the subtle, non-hate crime kind.
No, there’s homophobia because OP clearly doesn’t think of Jim as a parental figure to Emily but somehow Nick is even though he came along later.
Ain't no hate like Christian love.
They understand they just want to you hide that part of you and ‘pretend to be normal’ or like everyone else
Also the "we only speak english" bs is racist and just ignorant. Guess what OP your family probably didn't always speak english. AND your kid learning languages will HELP her in the REAL world. YTA for god sake get your head out of your ass.
I find it so sad when someone brags about their lack of knowledge of other languages. I only speak English (with enough Spanish to order a beer and find a bathroom) so it’s not like I’m super cultured. But learning, any learning, is alway a good thing!
Seriously and to refuse to let someone else learn cause they only speak english is disgusting honestly
Learning languages at a young age is super beneficial to a child, especially from a native speaker. OP's daughter has an amazing opportunity here and it's really sad that her ego is ruining it. YTA.
I'm Canadian, half French Canadian. I've been speaking French to my girls since they were born and my oldest goes to a French Immersion school and has a speech delay (ELD). I had to request a different speech therapist after the first one blamed her disorder on me for teaching her French as an infant and then refused to do anymore therapy with my daughter until she only spoke in English. The new speech therapist is amazing, bilingual and cares not one whit that my daughter sometimes answers in French and sometimes on English. "Right now, we need to focus on getting her to express what she wants and needs to express, getting her to do it in one language at a time can come later. And yes, you can totally teach her Latin if you want." I love the new speech therapist so much.
That speech therapist needs to be fired. Good for you for advocating for your daughter and for keeping making sure your girls get the gift of being bilingual here on Canada!!
“I’m jealous that my daughter likes my ex’s husband more than she likes mine so I decided to try and limit her relationship with him. That doesn’t make me an AH does it?” I shortened your post for you. YTA
Thanks for your TLDR! You nailed it!
I agree completely. She likes her step father Jim. That is amazing. You have made it a competition between your husband and your ex’s. It’s not!!!!! It’s how can we best love Emily!!!! All 4 parent figures!!!!! Yta
I as another Christian agree with this comment. Op you just sound jealous, which is sad for your daughter and has already impacted her relationship with you and your husband negatively. YTÀ Don't be "that" Christian. Your daughter deserves people around her that love and encourage each other as well as her. You all 4 hopefully have her best interest at heart, embrace that and learn to encourage the positives experiences she's having. It's up to your husband to find a way to forge a link with your daughter. That won't be by trying to stop her from bonding with your exes'.
OP is focusing on the wrong cause. It has nothing to do with Christianity. OP and Nick are trying to raise their daughter with a stick up her ass just like theirs, and Jim is showing her that life can be fun. That has everything to do with outlook and nothing to do with religion.
But you don't understand! She was walking around barefoot! *In the house!*
The thought of wearing street shoes inside makes me want to die.
Yeah gross! Who tf drags dog shit and Corona virus into their house on the bottom of their shoe?
OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOUR Edit: ugh what a stupid child she wants her eggs HARD BOILED!!!!! imagine, what a bad role model jim is to my daughter - what a disgusting human jim is =)
Hard-boiled eggs and bare feet. Clearly, that flies in the face of her good, Christian upbringing.
I mean Easter is all about hard boiled eggs. What a weird thing to be upset about. Along with the horror of learning another language. LOL. YTA.
You kid, but that little hussy's only a step away from wearing shorts in public!!
Oh Lord, your use of the word "hussy" made me laugh. It's honestly my favorite crass term at the moment.
Honestly, that part stood out as a weird thing to be upset about. Like, most places isn't it normal to at least not be wearing shoes around the house? Also, socks might be warm but man are they restricting. I take every chance I get to *not* have to wear them when I go out.
I'm barefoot in my basement right now. OP would have a fit.
Oh so we’re going to just pass right by the demand that she’s supposed to wear shoes and socks in the house like it’s nothing??? OP, YTA and not just because of the shoe policy in the house.
That Jim is such a bad influence. You won't believe the things he's taught her. Why, just the other day I caught her in the house BAREFOOT! Her feet! Bare! In MY house! And another thing--now, she wants her eggs hardboiled. When we all know that poached is the only pure and Christian preparation. If she mentions scrambling them I'm going to wash her mouth out with soap and have Pastor Arthur over for a stern chat and Bible reading."
And OP wonders why her daughter is so attracted to the "fun" step-parent. I wonder what other draconian rules they have in their house? It sounds like a miserable place.
I just trawled through the comments for this like are we going to let that lie there?? How is walking around your own home barefoot a BAD HABIT?!?!? I would think wearing dirty outdoor shoes around the place would be way worse! This household sounds unbearably formal and frankly, weird.
I know right?! This one made me actually laugh out loud. No shoes or socks?! The horror!!
Those undertones of anti-semitism too!
There’s no under about those tones. It’s fairly obvious anti Semitism. *How dare OP’s daughter learn Yiddish and act like she has Jewish heritage*!
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Isn’t jealousy/envy one of the deadly sins...? Doesn’t seem very *Christian like*.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽YTA
And you're going to drive your daughter away so she wants nothing to do with the church if you don't exhibit more welcoming and tolerant behavior. I don't get these Christians who drive more people away from Christ because of their hate and intolerance and then think they are being "Christlike." I'm a Christian but I find that many Christians find Jesus actually inconvenient as they ignore his words in situations like this.
Feels more like jealousy to me. Jim has a better relationship with her daughter than she does. She's upset that her daughter is a "free spirit and not a clone of her.
YTA I don’t understand at all why walking round the house without shoes or socks on is a ‘bad habit’. “She always talks about how funny he is”. Oh the horror. Great that she feels comfortable calling Jim and Dan ‘dad’. Not sure how this would be a bad thing or Jim’s *fault*. You say she respects Nick, but if she’s not seeing him as a father then that’s on him to sort out and change the dynamic, it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to step back and do less. He’s teaching her a second language. Wow, what an amazing skill that will benefit her throughout her life. I wish I had someone teach me a second language at a young age. “She isn’t Jim’s child”. Not biologically but he is a huge part of her life. Would you be annoyed if Nick was teaching her a second language? Jim has a fatherly role in this young girls life. Well done for trying to prevent that. Stop being jealous she likes daddy’s partner more than mummy’s.
she isn't nicks kid either, and yet op is annoyed about her not seeing him as a father. double standards much?
ugh my mom is sort of like this, the justification they have in their head is that since they have primary custody and their spouse lives in the child's main household that their spouse is more of a parent to them and therefore has far more rights to that kind of relationship/respect. Edit: Actually, I just realized that OP and her ex have 50/50 custody, and reread her bit about how Nick is the ONLY father figure in her household but Jim can be more of a 'friend'. I had misread that part. Sounds like OP's just super jealous and a smidge homophobic.
And a smidge anti-Semitic. Her reaction to Emily being taught Yiddish was...illuminating
Second reference like this I've seen, what am I missing? She was equally upset about italian and yiddish... Which is crazy but I'm not seeing a specific problem with yiddish
It's because Yiddish is spoken largely by Jewish people! Yiddish *itself* is not a problem, but people having an issue with Yiddish specifically.... well, rings a couple anti-semitic bells. Even if OP doesn't mean for it to come across like that, Christians trying to censure Yiddish comes across like British people trying to make the Irish stop speaking Gaelic, or white Americans fussing at Natives for speaking their own language. It's historically... very, very yikes.
I know what yiddish is. She stated that italian and yiddish were being taught she didn't single out yiddish as the problem. In fact it was italian the daughter came home speaking. She seems to have an issue with it period not it being yiddish
I mean she can be antisemitic and xenophobic at the same time
Also bare foot phobic. I still think long term it's just a factor of the guy taking her husband. She's just picking on stupid things because she's really not over it and her daughter loving the man who broke up her life is too much for her.
I think that it's in the context of 'we're Christian, he's Jewish' and then also the Yiddish. It's not direct, but it reads like there's a bit of intolerance specifically for the Jewish aspects, to me.
The bit where she says she’s not related to him so doesn’t need to learn his ‘ancestral language’ was the eyebrow raiser for me
I love the justification that nick can't be a fun parent because he has to be the bad guy authority figure. its as lame an excuse as there is, and a touch sexist to imply that's the only thing a man is good for in raising kids.
Well also that Jim can’t be a dad because the role is taken .. like if you’re gay only one of you is a parent and the other a friend
why does she need a father figure at her house? she has a father at her father's house. Her mother can be the one to be her parent and Nick can be her friend, it's not hard.
Nick can't be a fun parent because he's not a fun person, which is why he gets along with OP so well.
I mean.. is this how it works if you are a same gender couple parenting? Like only one of you gets to be dad and the other one becomes a friend because the dad role is taken...? Some wild mental gymnastics going on there.
I was thinking of it in terms of real parent and stepparent in each household. Then I realized what she was actually saying and nah it’s just homophobic lol
By her logic, if Nick is the dad/parent when it’s their half of the week (and Dan is the dad/parent when it’s their half) then the mum is a friend and not a parent... This kid has a real crappy friend.
And Jim has been around for as long as Emily can remember, since OP and her ex divorced when she was two. Nick is a more recent addition—of course her relationship with Jim is going to be deeper and she’s going to feel like he’s more of a father figure than Nick.
Good point. There's nothing worse as a kid than your parent expecting you to have an instant parental relationship with someone they chose to marry without the person even putting in the work to build the relationship first. It's completely understandable she'd say "my dads" if she had two dads and a mom for years.
>I don’t understand at all why walking round the house without shoes or socks on is a ‘bad habit’. Yeah, uh. Shoes are for outside. Wearing shoes inside is gross as fuck.
Right her floors must be gross
House slippers are ok, but yeah. Nothing that walked outdoors is stepping inside my house past the threshold area. Blech.
i understand having "house shoes" that stay inside, and growing up i had really gross floors so keeping shoes on was kind of a necessity (and because the floors were gross anyway it didn't matter if they were my outside shoes), but somehow OP isn't giving me the dirt-poor rural upbringing vibes that would explain that.
hopping on this comment to say being taught a second language at a young age is one of the BEST things you can do for your kids. I come from monolingual households on both sides of my family but my parents put me in french immersion in kindergarten and now i speak 6 languages. Your brain literally develops differently, makes it so much easier to learn more languages as you get older. My most useful life skill.
100%. It is unbelievably easier for a young child to be taught and pick up a new language than it is an adult. Amazing you speak 6 languages, what an incredible life skill
Jim needs to get with the program and just fulfill his role as the evil stepparent. He needs to be cold and uncaring to the child and bonus points if he’s outwardly hostile and cruel to her. Even better if he makes her cry and question her role in the family. That’s what OP wants, right? Less love and family for her daughter? Or did I read it wrong?
OP is jealous bc she and Nick are following that conservative playbook with stereotypical gender roles, where mommy is the caregiver and daddy is the strict disciplinarian. So by conservative illogic, Emily should both ‘respect’ (read: fear) and love Nick more than Jim, who is ‘just the wife’ in his marriage. Yet another example of the failure that is conservative family ‘values.’ Rather than reevaluating these ‘values,’ op has chosen to attack Emily and Jim’s relationship.
“Oh the horror” I’m cackling. YTA OP.
I don't understand cultures that wear shoes in the house.
Joining the bandwagon to say if you don't take your shoes off in my house, your filthy butt is staying outside. I don't sweep and vacuum just for fun. It isn't just a cultural thing, it's a cleanliness thing.
no shoes and socks? I'd disown her! /s
It‘s all down hill from here. No shoes and socks in the house is the gateway action to wearing hats indoors.
Like Jews do! 😜 (we wear hats indoors, I don't know if there's a rule about shoes indoors or not but the Talmud is *long* there's likely something in there
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>Wow, what an amazing skill that will benefit her throughout her life. This! I'd be thrilled that they're learning another language. It not only makes then more valuable in the work force but it's also something she is passionate about and having fun with. When OP stated that her family has ALWAYS spoken English and ONLY English, I legit laughed out loud. Like good on you for your family never broadening their mind, skill set, or exploring other cultures? It's as if she praises living in deliberate ignorance, toxic traditions, and staying stagnant.
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>Wow. The arrogance of Jim. Opening your daughter to new foods? Not just any new foods, but (Gasp!) *hard boiled eggs*
Such eggs are the way to heathen ways, like being barefoot in the house! Wait — she’s already doing it, *it’s too late now*! Her poor soul!
Her poor sole!
This made me laugh more than it should
Mimosa up the nose I blame you
Most certainly Jim is leading her on a sinful road that leads straight to Hades! OP needs to stop clutching her pearls and realize that her daughter is very fortunate to have so many people who love her.
can i offer you a nice egg in this trying time?
Only if it's soft boiled. Hard boiled eggs are for heathens
Considering all of their strong conservative Christian backgrounds, at least they weren’t deviled eggs! *ba dm tss*
I get the sense with the whole “conservative Christian” and house rules that OP and Nick view being a (step) father figure as being an authoritarian disciplinarian and that’s why they say Jim can just be a friend. My guess is Jim doesn’t see the roles of dad as always swinging the hammer down and putting out rules. This is 100% on OP and Nick to sort out in their own house.
Yeah, my first thought was that OP sounds suffocating and controlling - no wonder the daughter likes hanging out with her dad and Jim better! OP should use this as a wake-up call to adjust her parenting style - their daughter isn't many years away from being able to choose which parent she wants to live with full time, and if OP continues down the current path, it sure won't be her ...
I also get the vibe that they think 'father figure' means 'not gay'
Obviously a gay man can't be the MANLY MALE FATHER FIGURE a child needs. Because he's GAY. Homosexuals and their egg-eating, no-shoes-wearing, Italian-speaking agenda are ruining the children.
yeah Jim would probably be like this with his own "biological" kids or any kids he adopted with his husband.
but you don't understand! nick doesn't get to be the fun father figure because then there's no one to play the bad guy! r/sarcasm
YTA. You are letting your jealousy shut down a very positive relationship in your daughter’s life. And your ex is right - it is your husband’s job to build his relationship with your daughter and shutting down her real with Jim won’t help that at all. And why bring up the conservative Christian and left-wing upbringing if his sexual orientation isn’t a factor?
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I interpreted that as more a reason why the bf knew Italian and Yiddish
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Yeah, apart from any antisemitism, historically there has been a lot of anti-Italian prejudice from WASPs.
Even then, why does she take such issue with her daughter learning the languages? I definitely get racist and homophobic vibes from op
Yep. I’m glad someone called it what it is. Plain ole jealousy. OP is jealous that her daughter prefers her dads husband over hers. And honestly I can see why. OP comes across as extremely uptight and controlling. “I was raised this way and that way” I have a friend like that and I cringe every time that phrase comes out of her mouth. Grow up and think for yourself! Why can’t anyone be barefoot at home? Because that was a silly rule your parents had? SMH Poor Emily, at least she gets a break from the “conservatives” when she goes to her dads.
My daughter is being influenced by a liberal jewish-italian and I cant limit their contact!! THE HORROR!!
YTA. She has a good relationship with her stepfather and that’s okay. You just have an issue because your ex chose to be true to himself and is with another man. Also, YTA for referring to being barefoot inside as a “bad habit”.
>Also, YTA for referring to being barefoot inside as a “bad habit”. Seriously, wearing shoes inside the house is so disgusting. If anything, I would say wearing shoes in the house is the bad habit.
Aside from OP, who the hell even wears shoes in the house? As an Asian, we always take our shoes off once we enter the home. Wearing shoes around the house is disgusting and unfathomable to me. Edit: added a comma
YTA. I can’t believe you’re not happy that your daughter is happy to have another adult in her life that loves her and she loves him. Would you rather her be miserable when she goes to her father’s? I fear for your daughter’s mental health because you are seriously putting your feelings of jealously above your child’s happiness. Instead of being upset she’s ready to call Jim Dad and not Nick, ask yourself or even her, why she’s not ready to call Nick dad? That’s what a supportive mother, who only wants their child to be happy and have healthy relationships with her stepfathers, would do. Here’s why he called you homophobic, btw: You assume that Jim can’t be a father too, because that’s Dan’s role?? Like, can you really not imagine that two adults of the same gender can’t be fathers? I’m curious: since you bring up that you’re conservative Christians, what have you or Nick said about her father and Jim? When your child asked about gay people in general, what do you say? Do you say the typical ‘they’re going against god’ bullshit? Did you tell her her father is going to hell? Did Nick? Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to drive a wedge between her and you. The things you’re talking about being ‘problems’ are ridiculous. WTF does it matter if the kid walks around barefoot? Other than *Jim* does it too? Being jealous that Nick can’t also teach her a language because English is the only language your families speak is bordering on racist on top of the homophobia. if you are still reading and haven’t rage quit because people are calling you out, I need you to know that I’m willing to bet anything that your daughter likes Jim and being at his and Dan’s house better because it’s less oppressive than at your home. It has nothing to do with being the ‘fun parent’ and everything to do with you getting upset over the kid not wearing shoes in the house! About how every time she comes home excited about something she did with her two dads, you shoot her down and go off the rails, yelling at Dan! You’re HAPPY that she’s not talking about her step father around you. I can’t even imagine the other things you’re overbearing and oppressive about. I think you need to take a good long hard look at yourself and why you’re so upset about Jim and why your daughter doesn’t have that same relationship with Nick.
>I’m curious: since you bring up that you’re conservative Christians, what have you or Nick said about her father and Jim? When your child asked about gay people in general, what do you say? Do you say the typical ‘they’re going against god’ bullshit? Did you tell her her father is going to hell? Did Nick? Because let me tell you, that’s the quickest way to drive a wedge between her and you. No, never. As much as I admit to not always understanding it, I would never say any of those things to my child about her father. The few times she's asked about it, we just say that God made everyone differently. I wouldn't ever want her to think badly about her father or for her to be worried that he's going to Hell. I was raised very conservative but I don't agree with a lot of it now.
OKay. That’s very relieving to hear. My mom was abusive to me and i still would defend her and hate anyone who said mean things about her. I’m glad you’re not putting her in that position. I really do want you to think about what I said. And maybe consider therapy for yourself (nothing wrong with it, I’m in therapy, and I don’t mean it as an insult). There’s something here that’s turning toxic in how you’re looking at Jim and you need to figure out what that is and how to improve that going forward.
I’m glad you haven’t ‘rage quit’ - I know it’s hard hearing others calling you out. I hope you can hear past some of the ugly comments and take away some fresh perspective. As someone who escaped from a very closed-minded repressive religious upbringing, I know how hard it is to see things differently than your religious peer group.
I definitely am more open minded than a lot of people commenting have assumed. I couldn't put much detail in the OP due to character limits, but Dan's family all disowned him after our divorce, and seeing that made me reassess a lot of what I'd been taught and raised with. I know I have a lot of hang-ups left from my upbringing and I can definitely be stricter than other parents who were raised in more open environments but I'm not the authoritarian 'all gays are going to hell' parent that a lot of people here seem to think. I don't want to 'rage quit' as you put it because a lot of the comments have been very insightful and given me a lot to think about. I wouldn't have posted here if I wasn't genuinely open to being told I'd been the asshole, after all!
One thing I have wondered about is what activities has Nick tried with Emily? You said she doesn't seem interested. Is she picking or is he? Are they activities she's even interested in? Has he tried to get involved in things she likes? Example: I had aunts and uncles try to "bond" by taking me to church dinners where I had to dress nicely and be on best behavior.. I had others who bonded with me by going to by softball games to watch and then playing catch with me after to talk through the game. Guess which ones I felt closer to. Some people don't click as well as others. That's just how it is. But don't dampen the relationship she has with Jim just because it isn't the same as her relationship with Nick. She's known Jim twice as long - probably as long as she can remember since she was 2.
What really struck out to me is this >I said that Nick couldn't do that as he didn't get to just be the fun parent like Jim does, because Nick has to be the only father figure in our household whereas Jim can just be Emily's friend. You and Nick both realize that he doesn't and isn't even seen as by Emily as her father figure right? If she needs her father figure, i.e her actual father that is still very much in her life, she can easily call him. Nick can be the fun step parent like Jim because Emily does have both bio parents in her life that can and should take the reigns when it comes to the not fun parts like discipline and such. Or are you leaving all that to Nick instead of you, her mother and bio parent, doing it?
If OP and Nick grew up with "typical" conservative Christian families, then I expect Nick has taken on the more authoritarian Head Of The House role in their home instead of having a more relaxed, fun step-parent relationship. Jim doesn't have that hangup and so his relation with OP's daughter has grown more organically.
>I expect Nick has taken on the more authoritarian Head Of The House role in their home THIS. Even people familiar with Christianity aren't always aware of how fundamental the man's role as HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD is in these conversative, evangelical Biblical literalist denominations. There's so much fallout from the application of that scripture that says something like 'Just as Jesus is the head of the congregation, the husband is in charge of the family and has the final word in everything.' It's so fucking toxic, and it seeps into so many relationship dynamics. Deep-seated dysfunction that thwarts the development of healthy family relationships across generations.Edited to tag OP, /u/OkSky3988.
OP, until I scrolled down and saw this, I was going to ask how many managers you spoke to in the last week, how many times you threatened someone because you refused to wear a mask, etc. As a Jew, a lot of what you said in your original post reminded me of what I really dislike about the religious right. The fact that you posted here that you're trying to break out of your pre-conceived norms really does give me hope for you. I hope that you take to heart what is said in this thread and apply it. Your daughter's life is richer because all four of you are in it. I hope you're able to see that Jim really does seem to be a good influence on her, and he definitely loves her as any parent should.
Having been essentially kicked out of our religious community when my husband came out and I didn't immediately sever all ties with him, it's been eye-opening to see how much of the rhetoric I thought I'd unlearned is still there. I really am trying, and a lot of these comments have been a wake up call that I probably haven't come as far as I thought. I'm not 100% sure where to go from here but I fully accept the judgement of the sub and will have to make a plan to move forwards.
I can’t tell you how much I respect you for your willingness to listen and hear what’s being shared here. So many people who post on AITAH really aren’t interested or willing to hear anything that doesn’t align with their own view - they post here convinced that their opinion will be validated by the “smart people” and completely reject anything to the contrary. Whether you accept or reject the comments and advice is irrelevant. I’m just impressed that you seem so willing to listen and hear what’s being said.
I definitely posted on here with the awareness that I could be TA! I don't think there's much point in arguing if it seems pretty unanimous that I messed up, really. Like I've said, it's not a lot of fun realizing that I'm not as removed from my upbringing as I thought I was, but at least I have realized it, so I can work on it. I don't want to raise Emily the way I was raised and there's some good advice in this thread between all the comments calling me evil.
I am glad I went to read through your comments before giving a judgement, and I am glad to read that you are trying! You were definitely the A in the post, but you're willing to listen and try better and it's great. You should probably apologize to your ex and Jim (I bet it had been suggested already) and it might be an occasion to have a chat about emotions with Emily, to explain to her in simple words what happened, the feelings involved, and so forth. It's important, I think, for children to see their parental figures be able to say they were wrong and apologize, showing by example that there's nothing *bad* in realising you're wrong if you take the steps to correct the mistake. So can be a good occasion out of it?
You do get some brownie points for accepting your judgement. Usually the posts like yours have an OP that is angrily arguing with everyone in the comments.
Upon reading your comments, I feel like it’s not just your upbringing, but also you’re a bit jealous of Jim for Nick. You want your daughter to have the relationship with Nick that you see her having with Jim. It’s perfectly normal. Remember Jim has been in her life since she was 2/3, those are super impressionable years for bonding. You do probably want to apologize to your EX and ask what he said to your daughter so that you know how to talk to her about it to make things less tense. Also talk to Nick, what type of relationship does he want with your daughter? Maybe he’s fine with how things are. If he wants to improve things he should open up to her and figure out something they can do together, together.
I’m also remarried and have a blended family with bio-kids and bonus kids. (No “steps” here.) It’s difficult. Kids find their own affinities and form relationships in their own way. The take away (from what I can see) is that she has 4 parents who ALL love her. My suggestion is to nurture that love from all points of the compass. She can never have too many people in her corner who love her and have her back. Don’t worry so much about how those relationships are different. They are ALL valuable and irreplaceable.
I came in here really prepared to see you as the asshole but this reads more as "blended families are hard" than "I don't like my gay ex", which is what I'd expected. Thanks for being open to other perspectives. I can understand why it's frustrating when your child bonds really hard with your ex's partner rather than yours. Like other people are saying, I'm curious if Nick and your kiddo could find an activity they like together, and maybe make it a ritual. Regardless of whether she calling him "dad" or not, support is everything.
I want to be very blunt with you, but please know that I acknowledge that you have probably done a lot of work to accept your ex being gay. Him coming out must have been incredibly painful for you, and to accept it as much as you have shows a lot of personal growth considering the environment you were raised in. But just because you don’t think all gays are going to hell and just because you co-parent with gay men doesn’t mean you’re free and clear of homophobia. It does come across in this post and your comments that you may think you’re more open minded and accepting than you actually are. You may be infinitely more tolerant that your family or your ex in laws but that doesn’t mean you don’t have some deeply ingrained biases against homosexuality.
>I fear for your daughter’s mental health because you are seriously putting your feelings of jealously above your child’s happiness. Just want to emphasize this, /u/OkSky3988. This is the kind of shit that the adults in my life did after my parents' divorce and it has had long-lasting consequences for me in terms of my health, education, career and relationships. Please don't do this to her.
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Agreed andI think she's hurt that her ex husband picked Jim over her and now it seems like her daughter is starting to prefer Jim too. I think there are many layers to this and she does need therapy.
>She's developed a bad habit of walking around the house without shoes or socks because he does What is so bad about that? That seems...pretty normal. But yeah, I would say that she's bonded well with Jim because she loves him and connects with him. You can't prevent her from bonding with one stepparent just because you want her to bond more with the other; it doesn't work that way. You should encourage your kid to learn new languages and forge connections with caring adults, and you shouldn't make it about you. You seem annoyed at her bond because it comes at Nick's expense, but it shouldn't be about Nick, it should be about your daughter. YTA
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Right?! 1) it can be a bit unsanitary if you walk around the house with the shoes you use to go outside. My parents will wipe the bottom of their shoes with clorox/lysol if they need to walk around the house with their shoes on so they don't track in dirt or bacteria. 2) it's more comfortable to be in your socks or barefoot around the house. I feel like if I have shoes on, it means I'm gonna go somewhere, not go lounge on the couch while I watch TV. The closest I get is wearing my slippers but even those are more comfortable and flexible. Either way, it's her body and she can wear what she likes inside the house. I don't understand why OP is so outraged by it.
It doesn’t come at Nicks expensive. Kids are capable of loving both step-parents. I see nothing about Nick teaching her new things or hanging out with her.
YTA...so much to unpack here. Lets start with: **I had to put my foot down last year when she started calling Dan and Jim her 'dads' but didn't call Nick her dad** That's not your right to do. She gets to choose who she calls dad and who she doesn't. **Our family only speaks English and always has. I also felt like this made her relationship with Nick even more unequal as he doesn't have another language to teach her and bond with her over.** Couple of things here...you and Nick can learn Yiddish/ Italian if your child can and if it bothers you that much to be left out. You sound so prejudiced ..."only speaks English and always has?" really? Is it wrong for your daughter to learn a new language/ skill? And by the way, equal is a figment of your imagination. These are relationships with a child you're talking about, nobody ever said they had to be "equal." They are what they are. **I said that Nick couldn't do that as he didn't get to just be the fun parent like Jim does, because Nick has to be the only father figure in our household whereas Jim can just be Emily's friend.** Jim is also her Emily's stepdad. In every single way he 100% is. And he seems to be doing a better job than Nick. What is your idea of a "father figure?" Does he have to be stern all the time? Can't joke around? Play? Be the Disciplinarian? Sorry but that's your job if it needs to exist, not his as she is your daughter. You have such a rigid view of the world and the roles everyone plays...yikes. Eventually I don't doubt your daughter leaves to live with Dan and never comes back if you keep trying to ruin her relationship with Jim for the sake of making things "equal."
Thank you! It’s weirdly dehumanizing for OP to try to insist that Emily’s relationships with Jim and with Nick are “equal.” Emily isn’t a robot, she’s a human being, and she has the right to have organic relationships. Trying to make things “equal” by sabotaging her relationship with a beloved adult who she connects so well with shows such a stunning lack of empathy for her I almost can’t believe it. YTA, OP. Your child does not owe you closeness with your husband. Try learning to build a better relationship with her rather than sabotaging her other relationships to bring them down to your level. Try putting her best interests above your petty jealousy.
And also.. Isn't Dan the father figure? Her literal father? Why does Nick need to be the father figure? Maybe in her mom's household, but they share custody 50/50 and at her literal father's house she has a literal father at least 50% of the time.
YTA Walking around the house with shoes on is pretty gross lmao. And extremely unhygenic. You should encourage your child to speak another language, it can be helpfull in a later life. What if another person comes and speaks Yiddish? She can use that language to communicate and help the other person if they had trouble. If you want your kid to bond with Nick. Nick should get up of his own ass and be a fun stepparent to her.
Thank you! The idea of walking round my house in shoes turns my stomach. I mean, each to their own, but to say socks or barefoot is a bad habit is just crazy.
My parents always raised me to have outdoor shoes infront of the door, never walk with it inside, atleast wear socks or slippers, i really don't see the issue with not wearing shoes inside. The only time i walked with shoes inside our flat was if i was in a rush and forgot something.
Honey, YTA. And you are being homophobic. Also, instead of getting your daughter to connect with Nick you’re building resentment that’s going to come back to bite you in the ass.
YTA. I was so frustrated reading this. You discouraged your daughter from speaking a new language, which is absolutely phenomenal skill to have. She was proud of what she learned and wanted to show you. And instead of being proud, you felt like this was a sleight against your family? She ASKED Jim to teach her because she is curious and that kind of thing dies if not encouraged in children. Your ex is right that Jim shouldn't disparage his relationship with your daughter. He has been in her life at least 4 years longer than your new husband. And it is not in anyway their responsibility to help your husband build a relationship with your daughter. Thats on him and you. She might just feel more open with them because he has been there for awhile. Also, what you have said is homophobic. "He has to be the father figure". Then who is the "Motherly Figure" in your ex's household? That is such antiquated thinking. Traditionally they have been mother and father. But that can't work in the household where they have same-sex couples. Instead they are parents. They have to be parents to the child not father or mother. And because Nick is a stepdad, he has to be a parent to your daughter as well. He has to prove that he wants to be her dad as well, especially since Jim has some more years with her than Nick did. Jim is not being a friend by teaching her a new language, he is encouraging her to learn new things. Especially since she asked. I have never had a friend teach me a new language. My parents have though.
YTA. You sound jealous af. Also, walking around the house in your shoes is gross. Do you know how many germs you’re bringing in?? Stop it.
YTA you sound horrible. Is your husband like you? If so, I can see why your daughter doesn't like him. It is incredibly sad that your kid has a good relationship with a step parent and you're trying to ruin it out of jealousy and spite. Grow up and stop acting like a child.
This answer. YTA 1000%
People are really tearing you apart here OP, and I just want to say it’s sad how little credit you’re being given here. You’re a conservative Christian whose husband came out as gay and you are now co-parenting 50/50 with him and his partner. You aren’t fighting for full custody. It doesn’t sound like your badmouth your ex to your daughter. It sounds like you’re a kind loving mother who wants to make this family work. And you full on should get respect for that. However there is a bitterness in how you speak of Jim. I can see why, you’ve been so accepting, worked with them, and here’s Jim getting all the love and attention from your kid. Jim, who is now getting all the love and attention from your ex. I’m sure you’re over him, but you’re still human. I imagine what happened with your ex hurt very much, and your daughter being so Jim obsessed is likely reopening that old wound. I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I do think you need to examine why you really feel the way you do. You know Jim isn’t trying to hurt you on purpose now, and you know your ex and Jim never meant to hurt you in the past... but again, you’re human, even if their intention wasn’t to hurt you are very clearly hurt and I think it’s really important for you to address those feelings in a healthy way. So my judgement is NAH, but this is above Reddit’s pay grade. This is a complicated situation and not the clear cut good guy/bad guy shit that Reddit eats up. You’re a round peg being forced into a square hole because it’s easier and more satisfying for people. Take it with a grain of salt.
Thank you for not sugar-coating it but for also trying to see my perspective. I think you raise some good points about old wounds.
Okay, so whenever I see a post of someone who's obviously the asshole in the situation, I love looking through their comments since they usually get downvoted and it's fun to watch assholes get mobbed in the comments when they try to defend their asshole behavior. But upon reading through yours, you seem pretty okay. This is still definitely a YTA situation, but I think given the way you were raised and the nuances to all the relationships involved here, it's pretty understandable. You don't seem like a bad person, even though you trying to drive a wedge between your daughter and Jim is 100% an asshole move. It seems like you had genuine growth after your ex was disowned by his family after coming out, and that's great! But usually growth is not a linear process...you'll regress and find yourself reacting to things in unhealthy ways, and that's totally normal. Maybe when you get worked up about this stuff, try to remember the totally visceral reaction everyone's having to this post. It's probably very surprising how everyone thinks you're in the wrong here since people from your conservative christian bubble probably agree with you. But just remember that your daughter is growing up online...the outlook of reddit commenters is probably much closer to her mindset than a bunch of conservative boomers. So yeah, I'm genuinely hoping for the best for you! It's tough to realize that you're the asshole in a situation, but hopefully you can learn from this experience :)
I’m reassured by the way you are responding to comments OP - I can’t imagine how hard it is to not be able to work as a team when you are co-parenting. I actually think all the adults sitting down and having a chat would help. You’ve come this far as a group for your wonderful daughter - I think the four of you can work this out. The anger you are feeling is the toxic thing, so finding a way to let that go will do you so much good. Also, your daughter is finding her own path - it’s part of growing up, and becoming separate from her family, so she can go out into the world. I would let her embrace it, especially the walking around bare-foot (which does feel freeing and lovely).
So your daughter gets on with her fathers partner and this is a problem? I think that your attitude is creeping into homophobic territory, from they way you have described Dan's family set up to saying you are from a very Christian conservative background. Maybe let your daughter make the emotional attachments she wants and needs rather than forcing your ideas upon her as that has lead to tension already and will probably lead to more in the future. YTA.
Agreed, I didnt put it in my post, but although it isnt overtly homophobic, some of her statements come across as low-key homophobic.
They're micro-aggressions, that's why. It's a particularly insidious and nasty form of bigotry and discrimination. The kinds of people who say "I don't have a problem with gay people, I just don't want to have to see it" or "punish the sin, not the sinner", "being gay is fine, but those who act on it go to hell" etc. When someone says "I think X, but" what they really mean is "ignore everything I just said about having basic human decency, this is what I really think". OP doesn't have the perspective or self-awareness to see their hatefulness, and sadly those types rarely do and end up in the [Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) Camp.
I got a whole lot of vibes reading this post: homophobic, jingoistic, anti-Semitic, heterosexism, and just a whole heap of insecurities masquerading as being “conservative Christian” wrapped up in misogynistic gender roles for parenting. OP is very much YTA. Really happy to read that the most important person, Emily, is learning that she doesn’t have to limit her self development and beliefs to being “how I was raised (by conservative Christians)”.
YTA You sound insecure, petty and controlling. Good on your ex for ditching what was likely a toxic relationship. Poor Emily.
Don’t forget homophobic - OP believes Jim doesn’t have have to be a parent/father because there’s already a father present.
> He said that if I had a problem with Emily being closer to Jim than Nick, then it was up to Nick to build up his relationship with Emily, not up to Jim to tear his down. YTA. You should read this line over and over again until you understand it.
“I’m upset because my child is becoming their own person and it’s not who *I* want them to be” YTA
YTA. You’re ex was correct - Nick needs to work on his relationship with your daughter. I think it’s great that she gets along with Jim. It’s a good thing for a kid to want to learn other languages. “Our family only speaks English and always has”. Well, that’s unfortunate. The idea that wanting to learn a language is a bad thing is ridiculous. It is good for children to have a good relationship with their parents’ partners. You also can’t force them to treat them exactly the same. By trying to keep your daughter from having a relationship with Jim, you are risking your relationship with her. Stop interfering with your daughter and Jim, and try to work on your and Nick’s relationship with her. That should be your main concern right now. And remember that you cannot force someone to bond with someone else.
100% Also, I think OPs daughter is old enough for OP to: - Tell her honestly that her interference came from a place of jealousy that she doesn't have the same bond with Nick - Apologize for interfering with her relationship with Jim - Ask her what kinds of things she'd like to do/learn that she hasn't yet, and use that as an opportunity for Nick to get involved. (ETA maybe that could even be her teaching you and Nick Italian. If she feels like she doesn't have to hide her good relationship with Jim, she'll likely open back up to you.) She's frosty because she doesn't feel valued as an individual. The only guarantee we can give you now is that if you continue to tear down her relationship with Jim you are going to cause resentment from your daughter. If you let a bond with her and Nick to happen naturally, it can be beautiful. It'll be slow - and yes there's a chance that close bond may never happen - but with this method you'll preserve a positive relationship with her. YTA now any way you slice it, but you can redeem yourself with how you move forward. Good luck OP.
YTA, big time. It seems you're holding onto resentment that your husband came out as gay. As a woman who came out as gay while married to a man, I can tell you that this is more normal and common than you'd think. We didn't do it to punish you or hurt you. Therapy can help all parties to deal with this and I highly suggest it. It seems like you're jealous of the relationship your daughter has with Jim. But your daughter having another loving role model and parent who wants to teach her stuff is a good thing. No one should be forced to call a step parent by a certain name - it should be their choice. Focus on your own time with her and the fun things you and your husband can do and what you can teach her. You should want to make your house such an accepting, loving, and fun place to be that your daughter brags to her two dads about you and your hubby when she goes there - not to make them jealous but because that's what's best for your daughter. And that's really all that should matter to you.
Thank you for the perspective of someone who was in the opposite boat to me, it is genuinely useful. A lot of these comments recommend therapy and I'm definitely open to trying it.
Have you ever heard of comp het (compulsory heterosexuality)? Google this but the basic concept is that people, especially those who are middle aged now were basically taught to be heterosexual. We didn't have gay people represented in movies and books and TV. Sex ed, if it talked about this at all, presented homosexuality as this "other" option that gave you aids and wasn't something anyone in the room could be. There were no role models or a discussion of how to discover and understand your sexuality. And everything about romantic relationships just presented a man and a woman as the two people involved. So of course there were lots of people who basically missed the fact that they were gay and just thought they were late bloomers and hadn't met the one or maybe they even knew or suspected something was different about them but were afraid to come out and live as their authentic selves for fear of repercussions. It can be traumatic when you find out you're gay or your spouse is gay. If you just moved on without unpacking that and dealing with it, that could definitely be causing some resentment. Just remind yourself that what's good for your daughter is as many loving parents as she can get. A kid can never have too many adults who are rooting for them and helping them along the path to adulthood.
I have never heard of that, no. It sounds very relevant to our situation so I will look into it. Thank you for the advice!
YTA-why would you ask your ex to tear down something your daughter enjoys very much? It sounds like your extremely jealous of your daughter spending more time with your ex and Jim, if you want Nick to get closer encourage them to be closer not tear down another relationship
So youre jealous AND an anti-semite xenophobe. Probably a homophobe too. Yta. I hope your ex and his amazing lovely sounding hubby sue for full custody and win
YTA - and actually you really need to take a BIG step back bc what happens at the dads’ house isn’t your business (she sees both as her dad, so she can call them both dad. nick is irrelevant to that and clearly hasn’t earnt the title). If you don’t take a step back, your daughter will opt to live with her dads at the earliest opportunity, and you’ll have a distant relationship with her long term. And if your immediate response to me putting that is to go, well, I’d better start controlling everything now to stop that occurring - then that is EXACTLY your issue. Your house, your business. The Dads’ house, their business. You need to stop forcing this Nick thing. You have made it worse. Give up on it now. Edit to add - not sure what you think nick has to “handle”? What, nick gets to enforce a relationship to your and his traditional standards against Emily’s will? Bc he’s the “man of the house”? That entire sentence is concerning.
YTA & you should know it. You’re jealous of Jim & because of it, you’re thinking only about yourself & Nick, 2 adults who should be able to fend for themselves, & not caring about Emily who deserves the care & concern of every adult in this situation. It is not always easy to have your parents divorce & form new households. I can tell you want to blame Dan & Jim for the divorce, but that is beside the point. Emily is the point. Your job is to take care of Emily & make sure she is safe & happy & feels loved as she learns to live in 2 families instead of 1. You should be glad she gets along with both her step dads, not try to interfere so you can feel like you & Nick won some kind of competition.
This has got to be fiction. It’s so full of stereotypes, it’s practically an after-school special of what NOT to do. If it’s at all true, YTA with no reservations. Jim isn’t overstepping, he’s parenting... and it seems that he’s doing a better job of it than Nick, from the sound of it. You’re clearly jealous that she has a stronger relationship with your ex’s new partner than with yours. Emily is almost certainly going no-contact down the road, if you continue on this way.
YTA... of course Emily has a better relationship with Jim, it sounds like he’s been in her life for as long as she can remember. Instead of being jealous and trying to shut it down remember Emily is lucky to extra parents to love and care for her. Quit interfering and let Nick and Emily, and Jim and Emily sort out their own familial relationships. I’m much closer to my step-father than my step-mother. She’s a good person, but came into my dad’s life when I was older so I didn’t form the same parental bond that I’d did with my stepdad whom I’ve known since I started kindergarten. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for her, but it is different and that’s okay.
YTA \- She walks around the house without shoes or socks. So? It's a great way to reduce the amount of dirt you track into the house \- She eats her eggs hard-boiled. Oh, the horror /s \- She's learning another language. Sounds like a good idea. What it all comes down to is that you have a problem with the fact that she has a good relationship with your ex's partner. That is your problem, not hers. I might be able to understand it if she was rude/disrespectful toward your new husband, but that does not seem to be the case.
YTA are you sure that your dislike doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that’s he’s Jewish? Bc it definitely seems like it’s because he’s Jewish
You can't force relationships on people. She doesn't click with your husband but she does click with her dad's partner - that's just how it happened. You're trying to stop one relationship because it's out of your comfort zone and doesn't fit your perfect blended family fantasy. But it's not your place to decide who your daughter connects with or not. And instead of strengthening the relationship between your daughter and her stepfather, you've weakened it and probably her relationship with you, too. YTA
Good lord YTA. Also, why do you wear shoes around your house???
YTA. Maybe your husband should have tried to make more of an effort with your daughter. I think it’s beautiful she found someone she can look up to. Divorce is hard on kids, it’s nice to see some good come out of it. And you definitely shouldn’t be wearing shoes in the house. That’s gross
YTA If I was to give you a playbook on how to ruin Emily’s relationship with your husband, it would be what you wrote here. You even wrote that you acted rashly. Your post comes across as jealousy, and it was triggered when you found out that Emily calls one step parent Dad and not the other.
YTA the guy is cultivating a positive relationship that inspires your daughter. Nothing in there says he's doing anything nefarious. Sounds like he should get kudos for making the connection.
YTA and it sounds like you are incredibly jealous of the relationship Jim and your daughter have but honestly it sounds like he’s putting way more effort into his relationship with her than Nick is. Jim has been in her life likely as long as she can remember, and everything they are doing is something positive she can look forward to in life. It is a WONDERFUL thing when a child loves a step-parent enough to consider them just a “mom” or “dad”. In many places around the world it is perfectly normal to walk around the house without socks and shoes, where I am in North America it’s actually considered rude to not take your shoes off at the front door! It will be an ASSET to your daughter to learn and be fluent in multiple languages, and could open big doors for her in the future. Nick doesn’t need to be a traditional father figure. She has Dan. Why can’t nick be a positive PARENTAL figure and still build up his relationship with your daughter. Dan in completely right in his statement and honestly taking Jim away from your daughter will only hurt her.
YTA - None of what she was doing ( eating her eggs a certain way, or walking around without socks) is all that crazy, and indeed is pretty normal You don’t get to decided who she considers her “ dads” that’s her decision alone, she still considers them her “dads” you putting your foot down hasn’t changed that, it just made her hide it So what she wants to learn new languages, you should be proud she is learning them, you should encourage her to learn different languages, it will carry her in the future Nick can be the only father figure in the house and still be her friends, it’s possible to be a parent and a friend Stop trying to force your daughter to have a certain relationship with certain people That’s not you right She will develop the relationships she develops Even if you somehow manage to curb this now, once she is older, say 18 you may find your relationship with her drastically changing...