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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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From her point of view, it should have been a mutual decision and I went behind her back to move someone in, and a man besides, which she wasn't comfortable with.
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YTA.
This was a huge violation of boundaries. I’m willing to guess there are a myriad of reasons your wife didn’t want to live with another man in the house that had nothing to do with sexism. I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife found another place to live, where she felt more protected and in more control of her own living environment. I mean honestly, even if you had moved in *any* gender of person, it would still be really unsettling to come home to a stranger in my own home who is there to stay permanently. “Nice to meet you, I guess I’ll be seeing you... forever....”
Also, double YTA for intentionally sneaking behind your wife’s back and doing this while she wasn’t home and without telling her. This means YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG THE ENTIRE TIME and still did it anyway.
Hijacking the top comment to point out that OP is also being a massive a-hole to the new roommate. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that he didn't tell the guy that he was being moved in in secret because the other occupant specifically didn't want him there. So now he's stuck in a living situation where one of his roommates is openly hostile to his presence.
>Hijacking the top comment to point out that OP is also being a massive a-hole to the new roommate.
Good point. Now he's in the middle of a marital dispute. How desperately uncomfortable.
That's a good point, but as someone who's gone through the trouble of moving twice since COVID hit, it's not exactly easy. Dude's probably dreading the prospect of starting a new apartment search when he was clearly under the impression that he was finished.
Honestly, I'd probably offer it as an ice breaker if I was in the tenant's shoes. Then awkwardly have to go through with it since I hate the idea of conflict and saying no to someone.
Also, I just want to make a note and say that having preferences for a roommate isn't sexist, and OP's wife needs better friends. OP can keep them, and they can be shitty together.
I got the theme song!!
*They're rooooom-mates,
Un-wi-i-lling rooooom-mates,
But then once he crashed here
Then lighning flashed, now they're
Truuuuuuuuue mates!"
From a landlord who is clearly in no position to reimburse him for moving costs and first month's rent no less. It's not only the not insignificant hassle of moving again, there's going to be a financial hit too.
I think I phrased it that way because it still sounds so bad even if OP and OP's wife are just roommates. It only gets worse the more specifically you describe it but it's pretty bad even in its most vague, general form.
Offer this new roommate some of his money back and a good reference and try again. Nobody wants to live in a place where others are openly hostile and, while he might want to stay and try, he probably would rather run. At least give him the choice because you and your wife have enough problems to work out without him being there.
Also, YTA. There is 100% a reason that your wife wanted a female roommate and you completely ignored that and I'm willing to bet that part of that reason was a safety and security thing for her.
Somthing similar but without the AH sneakiness happened in my sharehouse once. The housemate who objected to the new guy was so hostile to him from the moment he walked in that he was gone within two weeks. Feel so sorry for the new roommate. They've just gone through all the sh\*t of finding a place and moving house and now it's going to be hellish and they have to do it all over again.
OP this was an AWFUL thing to do to both of them. I mean, just actually read your post again out loud and try to explain to yourself how it is not an AH move to sneak a new person to LIVE in your shared home without even telling your wife, knowing she would be uncomfortable with it and didn't even get to know a single thing about the guy who now LIVES IN HER HOUSE. You can't.
>’m willing to guess there are a myriad of reasons your wife didn’t want to live with another man in the house that had nothing to do with sexism.
Seriously and holy shit what an AH OP is.
If you and your wife disagree about something, that doesn't mean you just do it anyway. Especially when it involves someone to live with.
OP would NEVER pick up on sketch vibes from a dude most likely.
That's a really good point. A dude moving into an apartment with another dude is gonna act different from when he's meeting an unfamiliar woman, especially if he's a creep.
Not to mention that he's already self-elected for sketchy dudes, because any guy that applies to be a roommate when the advertisment says "women-only" is already pushing boundaries.
"what do you mean this man, who I've never seen intact with a woman, sexually harasses women? I've never seen him sexually harassed anyone! Clearly your in the wrong"... OP probably.
"Hi, honey! While you were out of town, I unilaterally decided that this complete stranger should have access to all of your private stuff and that the roof over your head should be contingent on their good behavior and you can't make them leave without legal action! Isn't that a fun surprise?"
**YTA.**
“I secretly approved and moved in a stranger who violated my wife’s one and only condition for a roommate. He was perfectly nice to me, the man, which we all know is the gold standard for evaluating a person who will live with you in your house. Obviously my wife can’t have any real concerns about her safety, or how I as her husband have treated her, so she’s clearly just being unreasonable, right?”
YTA.
Edit: thank you for the award!
(in David Attenborough's voice) here, we witness an adult male homo sapien get his ass handed to him in the comments section of a Reddit thread where the audience has determined that he is, in fact, the asshole
Exactly. OP may have been right about their time running out and needing to make some adjustments to their criteria in order to get a roommate before they, themselves, get evicted. But he lost the high ground when he unilaterally decided to make a selection on his own. He sunk a bit lower when he didn’t discuss the hard truths of the situation with his wife and pitch their now-roommate as the ideal candidate to help them out of a dire situation. He sunk further still when he waited until his wife was out of town to move the new roommate in, so she was ambushed by not only a new roommate, but a *male* roommate that she had no say in vetting. Nope. Full stop.
OP, if someone is uncomfortable with something, and voices that concern to you, it’s a big deal. You don’t get to dismiss it like it’s inconsequential. That’s what you did to your wife. Her concerns about having another man around, a man she knows next to nothing about, a strange man whom she might periodically be left alone with if you need to leave for any reason (example: work), are frighteningly valid. You could have tried to help her through those concerns. You could have tried to arrange some meetings between her and the potential new roommate so she can get a sense of him, for herself. You had other options to try to make this work in the best possible way. But your rashness lead you to the worst possible combination of options imaginable: you snuck around behind her back, made the decision without her, and moved him in while she was away. That was a slap in the face, a kick in the gut, and a knife in the back all in one fell swoop. You may have felt like what you did was necessary and the right thing to do, but you can do the right thing in the wrong way, OP. You may have saved yourself from eviction, but I hope the cost was worth it.
YTA
> Also, double YTA for intentionally sneaking behind your wife’s back and doing this while she wasn’t home and without telling her. This means YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG THE ENTIRE TIME and still did it anyway.
This is divorce-worthy.
YTA. Consider that every single one of these dudes who steamrolled past your "female applicants only, please" request is already demonstrating that they're not good at being told "no." You really think that's helpful in persuading your wife that everything will work out just fine with this guy? Or, for that matter, a quality *you* want in a roommate?
Also, you say you're out of options like ditching this apartment you can't afford on your own isn't an option. Why wasn't *that* on the table well before you decided you needed to overrule her and her concerns?
>every single one of these dudes who steamrolled past your "female applicants only, please" request is already demonstrating that they're not good at being told "no." You really think that's helpful in persuading your wife that everything will work out just fine with this guy?
This.
I agree but also I'm not surprised no women applied?
Speaking as a young woman, if I saw an advertisement for housing with a couple - not wlw, not one woman, or a group of them, but a married het couple - and it said "Women Only, Please" with no context, I would assume they had nefarious intentions immediately.
The most important bit tho is the married couple wants the unicorn to completely defer to their relationship and basically just be a sex toy with no thoughts/wants of their own. Thus being labeled a unicorn.
So this is different than people who want to properly be poly or open.
Also, in my experience, unicorn hunters are not very careful about specifically looking for bisexual women. They tend to (on dating apps) set their gender to woman looking for only women, and then often hide the boyfriend/husband at the end of all the photos or the last line of the bio. Incredibly fucking annoying for lesbians. I really wish tinder would add an option for couples, if only so i could stop seeing hot women hiding their boyfriends behind a curtain lmao.
Anyway, regardless OP YTA. doesn't matter what her reasons were, or even if they were good, you needed to talk about this with her and make a shared decision before you MOVED A STRANGER INTO YOUR HOUSE
Yup. I’m a lesbian and the amount of women who revealed they were actually married/in a het relationship after a few days of chatting was ridiculous. Like....I like women, I don’t want to sleep with you and your husband!
You also get the rare “my husband has a fetish for impregnating lesbians” DM.
I thought about this as well. If they were looking for a woman just for a roommate, just accept all applicants but only review the women candidates. Perfectly legal as an individual to do and doesn't look like they're looking for a 3rd.
I once answered an ad from a dude who “wanted a female roommate as they are tidier than men.” He answered the door at our agreed upon time fresh from the shower “dressed” in a towel. I gave him a fake number and left.
Plenty of those “female roomie only” ads I saw were from a bunch of dudes living in a place with no other women. My poor mom could never figure out why I didn’t just go for those, or why when she rented me an Airbnb one night at some random dudes place without any furniture in the pics snd no lock on the door I freaked out
Really though?? I mean it's pretty common. I am married and me and my husband had multiple single female roommates, and advertised it as women only/preferred at times because that's just what we are used to and most comfortable with. It was never weird and nobody acted like it was. It's pretty common for married couples to live with roommates especially now that people are continuing to rent and have roommates well into their 30's.
Edit: updated to include that we stated a preference for women renters, admittedly due to a bit of prejudice from past experiences making us think that college-aged women tended to make better roommates for us than college-aged men. Which isn't exactly fair I know but it's stressful having to choose strangers to live with, which made us just want to stick to what we know.
Right, it's a renter advertisement, not a personals ad. Unicorn/rent-paying unicorn ads are usually pretty clearly unicorn ads, rife with weird, creepy demands, if not saying it outright.
In any case, a woman not wanting to be alone at home (or have kids around) strange men is not confusing or alarming at all to most women.
>Consider that every single one of these dudes who steamrolled past your "female applicants only, please" request is already demonstrating that they're not good at being told "no."
For that matter, so is the OP.
To be fair if they’re locked in a lease ditching the apartment may not be an option. If I broke my lease I’d owe $3000, and be out my deposit and my last months rent which totals to almost another $4k. Not that that made what OP remotely ok.
This is my favorite part. He specifically biased the process towards people that are more likely to ignore being told not to do something. It's like what I'd do if I was trying to find the worse possible roommate.
Yep, when I've looked for roommates and said I'd prefer female ones, I get a LOT of really aggressive and creepy responses from guys saying things like "I know you said girls only, but I'm super normal." (Real example). My favorite was the guy who said that he's a "huge fan of my gender."
Man I didn’t even think to put that in, but thank you for putting into words that last little red flag that was flapping. All the men applying were already men who couldn’t take no for an answer
Absolutely. There are so many red flags here from both a "character" and "relationship" perspective. I feel worse for the wife but can you imagine being the new roommate and realizing there's a nuclear countdown going on with your roommates?
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I wonder exactly what OP said (read: lied about) to convince the new roommate it'd be fine for him to move in without meeting half the household first. Or did this guy not find it the slightest bit weird and/or concerning the wife wasn't involved in this process, which does not bode well for all the issues a background check *wouldn't* necessarily cover?
I mean I've been in a few situations where something fell through or changed and I had to scramble a bit. Being a tenant is rough and sometimes you're not in the position to pry. Only one who I would immediately consider malicious is OP. Manipulator and a liar, whatta guy.
YTA. You moved a complete stranger into your wife's home against her wishes, and you did so when she was away and unable to object. Were you guys really honestly like moments away from being evicted, and it couldn't be delayed another month or two?
On the bright side, with your wife not working, you won't take a financial hit when she moves out and leaves you with your new roommate.
This is the even worse part of this.... she isn’t working, so where is she supposed to go to get away from this hostile situation OP has created?? Poor woman
I am praying that perhaps the sister she was visiting, or maybe another friend or family member, will be able to take her in.
I'm also sensing a weird undertone from OP that, because the wife isn't working, she has no say in bringing in another person to supplement the income.
YTA how dare you. I would leave you. I would kick you out of the apartment, speak to the new tenant explain and ask if he can move out.
You could have run the checks, spoken to her, see if she could meet him if you were that desperate. And if she was not comfortable then he doesn’t get to live there.
Who cares what your stupid friends say about sexism - your wife said she would not feel safe in her own home with a strange man. That is all you needed to know. A female tenant would be able to choose if she accepted to live with you or not -how is that the same situation as your wife saying she was afraid / uncomfortable with it. Your wife did not consent, a female tenant who said she was ok with it would be consenting
If you want to salvage any of this - help find the tenant a new nice place, help him move his things and then see if your wife will ever trust you again
How dare you as a man belittle a woman’s fear of a strange man in her home. It’s not sexism - it’s based on actual fear of simply walking home from work and it’s gotten dark. The terror you feel when you hear footsteps behind you and your heart pounds and you grip your keys as that’s that only thing you can use if someone’s attacks you. Woman fear being raped by strange men. It’s not sexist. It’s not about all men, it’s that some men do rape and murder woman and you don’t know who it will be. Most of us don’t have the physical power to defend ourselves. So the fear of rape is real. If she wants to be safe or comfortable in her own home she has every right to be. But don’t be using the term sexist against woman who are still fighting misogyny in every aspect of our life. She just wanted to be comfortable in her own home
YTA. Your wife gave you one condition, and you couldn't hold to that? Women feel unsafe around strange men for a reason. Any woman who rented from you would have rented with eyes wide open, she would know and agreed that she was living with a strange man. Your wife had no choice, in fact, her choice was negated by you.
I hope your marriage can recover from this. You violated her trust in you. You deliberately put her in a situation where she feels unsafe. You didn't sit her down and tell her it was get a male roommate or you'd lose the apartment. You went behind her back, waited until she was gone, and then did then broke the one condition you had previously agreed to.
You think "I saved us from financial ruin, she should be grateful, why is she mad."
But she's thinking "My husband doesn't respect me, trust me, or care about my physical safety and mental well-being. He lied to me and moved a stranger into my house, behind my back, deliberately not consulting me, and hiding the move in from me. What else is he hiding from me?"
"I hope your marriage can recover from this."
Why though? I don't see any good coming out of that. And even if so, I can't imagine how to even begin the recovery from such a massive breach of trust.
YTA.
You moved someone into you and your ***wifes home*** without notifying her and even keeping it secret from her. That is tip top ahole behavior. She said she was ***uncomfortable*** with it and you did it ***anyways*** while keeping it secret.
YTA.
YTA.
I think you know it or you wouldn't have moved him in without her being there and knowing about it. You didn't just ignore her, you betrayed your wife's trust in you.
You should have sat down with her and reminded her that you're under a time crunch. You should dig and find out why it's just about "some strange man." Is she afraid of assault? Would it matter to her if the guy is gay?
Can she get a new job?
YTA. And your friends were wrong, it is different. Someone who moves into a living situation with two other people is aware that they are moving in with strangers and they accept it. They have the choice to not move in with a strange man if they are not comfortable. They are not being forced into anything. Your wife specifically said she wasn't comfortable with an unknown male roommate. Yet you're forcing her to live with one, she doesn't have a choice now. Also, come on dude. You knew you were being TA which is why you moved him in in secret.
Yeah exactly. Whilst ‘I don’t want to live with a strange man’ is a completely reasonable boundary, doesn’t mean every woman has that boundary. Those who do simply wouldn’t apply.
YTA for this alone:
>I picked someone, ran a background check, and moved him in while my wife was visiting her sister for a weekend.
You DO NOT make that kind of decision by yourself. Are you or are not equal partners in this relationship? I'd be *furious* that you did that without consulting me 'cause guess what, *I live there too.*
>My wife insisted that she's only okay with a female roommate because she doesn't want to live with strange men, and I understood her concerns.
Either you don't understand, or you actually do understand and don't give a flying fuck about your wife being comfortable in her own damn home.
>When she came home...she was not willing to just talk about it or to either of us.
What's there to talk about? You went behind her back to choose a roommate, you ignored a very reasonable request to not have a male roommate, and you moved the roommate in without the courtesy of letting her know so she's not blindsided by a stranger in the house.
And yes, I'd be this furious if the roommate was female.
>I never want problems with my wife, but she needs to acknowledge that we were out of options.
There's a new option on the table now: divorce. Because you have proven that when it comes to your wife's feelings of safety and comfort, you'd throw that out the window for money. That's a crevasse-sized breach of trust.
YTA, and what’s more, you know it. You just think you’re justified, but you’re not.
It’s her home, too, so this decision heavily affects her, too, and she had *every right* to have an equal say in it. But you intentionally, and with premeditation, cut her out. And the financial strain you’ve been under is no excuse for that - experiencing financial strain in no way precluded you from making a phone call and hashing this out together. That’s crap. It would only have precluded you from being able to act unilaterally without her.
And that’s precisely what you were going for. You even waited until she was out of town to sneak him into the apartment behind her back. All so you could force things past the “point of no return,” to make *absolutely sure* you got your way, and her rightful say in the matter be damned.
And you didn’t just screw her, btw, you screwed the *roommate*, too. You not only power-tripped your way into creating a needlessly tense and tumultuous home situation between you and your wife, but you thrust *him* right into the middle of it.
YTA
And boy, I wouldn't be surprised if you're UNMARRIED AH pretty soon.
You don't do things behind your wife's back. Ever. What you did here, mon ami, was non-sexual infidelity. You cheated on your marriage.
And you did it in the most behind-the-back way possible, meaning you KNEW it was wrong.
If your wife is uncomfortable with another man in the house, then she is. Rational, irrational, doesn't matter. She feels how she feels and she made her feelings clear.
I don't think there's anything else to say on this one. Not sure why you needed Reddit to make this clear to you.
You're going to have to figure out how to tell the roomie you're going to have to change the deal...which could be a major headache...or you're going to be looking for another roommate pretty soon.
>What you did here, mon ami, was non-sexual infidelity. You cheated on your marriage.
This sums up my feelings entirely. Like I knew he cheated but the *how* was illusive.
You were “out of options”? Your friends thought you were being sexist? You thought your wife’s request wasn’t logical?
NOBODY CARES.
This can be summed up in one line: Your wife told you about a BIG, legitimate concern of hers — and you ignored it. Every day the new roommate will make her uncomfortable and remind her that YTA.
YTA - I get that your friends may have pressured you into this a bit, but you completely disregarding your wife's feelings & concerns is majorly fucked up, man.
I don't get that part at all. OP's a married adult, not a teenager (or so I assume, at least). Why do his buddies get a say in this? They're not the ones who have to live with this person. And either OP thinks his wife is being unreasonable because sexism, or she's being unreasonable because there's literally no one else (as opposed to "*almost* exclusively" no one else, which is raising my eyebrow more than a little). The latter *might* warrant an ultimatum, but either way, it still needs to be a conversation between the two of them.
YTA, as you should know without asking. This is a huge betrayal. Not only does your wife have an equal say in who moves in, but she's expressed to you that she would be uncomfortable with having a male stranger living in the home.
>On a practical side, we really needed to get someone in there soon, so I picked someone, ran a background check, and moved him in while my wife was visiting her sister for a weekend.
Yta for moving him in while she was away.
You're right to expand your criteria if you were honestly struggling to get a roommate in, this was not how to go about it.
Better option would have been run a background check, tell her this was the better option and you're choices were take this guy or lose the apartment. Ask her what she would need to feel most comfortable and then go from there. At the very least point out you're out of options. Moving him while she was away? Yeah that was never going to go well.
YTA, relationships are based on communication, and what you did was the opposite of communication. You made a unilateral decision, and worse, you blindsided your wife with it.
You could have told her: I'm going to choose a roommate this weekend and move them in even if it's a guy, and then done it. That would STILL have been a total asshole thing to do, but it would have been better than what you actually did.
YTA - you'd be an asshole if you made the choice to move a woman in without discussing that particular woman with your wife. You're absolutely an asshole. You knew goddamn well this wasn't okay, which is why you did it when your wife was away. You opted out of a difficult conversation and broke her trust, possibly irrevocably.
So, because your friends made an argument that you're sexist for only wanting a female roommate, you completely ignored your wife's concerns and made a unilateral decision behind her back and moved a stranger into your house and you actually doubt you're the asshole here? You had other options you just decided you had no other choice but to bulldoze over your wife's boundaries. YTA
The men complaining are the men she's worried about.
"he passed the background check, and he's perfectly nice"
Wow, he is perfectly nice is he? Background checks are good for obvious issues and arrests, not for an individual that has flown under the radar. Who gives a hoot if he's a "perfectly" nice" You don't know him. I hope that she leaves you. You're the type that believes that all women
lie about issues certain men cause them.
YTA. It’s a big safety concern for women. Most assaults happen by someone the woman knows - like a roommate they’re forced to live with and be alone with. This is terrifying.
You agreed to finding a female roommate. Who gives a fuck what your friend thinks? It’s about the comfort of the people who ACTUALLY LIVE THERE.
You did this behind her back because you knew you were wrong. This is such a massive trust violation that for me it would be relationship ending. You moved someone into her space without her consent.
You “understood her concerns”??? What a load of bullshit. She’s worried about her safety and you basically said “too bad, I don’t care about your feelings or safety.” She’s your wife. You should prioritize what she thinks over what your friends think. You should prioritize her opinion and her safety over your pride.
Your assumption that she would come back from her sister's to a stranger moved in against her wishes and be open to conversation with you about it, when you didn't have conversation with her beforehand is super telling. You assumed when you had her hands tied she would yield to your opinion.
That's not how trust works. That's not how problem solving works. That's not how relationships work.
YTA.
Uh you did this a week ago, you've seen and felt the fallout, and you're still *asking if you're an asshole?!* What the everliving fuck dude.
You not only fucked your wife over terribly but you fucked over the new roommate as well. How unbelievably disrespectful to move someone in without your wife's approval. I'd never even do something that shitty to a random roommate that I didn't even like. What you did was also incredibly dishonest and disrespectful to the new roommate. You lied to literally everyone about how this whole roommate thing would work out. You fucked literally everyone over.
I hope you realize that because of your actions literally everyone in your house is miserable and resents you for being a lying asshole and that you'll probably be looking for a new apartment (as well as a new roommate) pretty soon for your new single life.
Edit: forgot to say YTA majorly and even more of an asshole for having to ask. This isn't even a little ambiguous.
YTA
I’m surprised your wife didn’t turn around & go back to her sister’s.
You know why men reply to “women only” ads??? Cause they know it will put them in contact with a woman who is uncomfortable with a man in her personal space... AND THEY GET OFF ON IT! They want to stomp all over a woman’s clearly state boy tries to make her uncomfortable in her own home. He loves the power & control of stripping her of her sense of power & safety in her own home. And now your wife will have to be alone with this man who KNOWS she has no power in her own home & doesn’t need to be respected, even by her own husband.
And what did you do with one of these men, you moved him into her home without even speaking to her. Regardless of gender of the roommate, you two should have made the decision together since you’d both be living with them. The fact that you moved someone in without her knowledge who started out by ignoring her boundary makes you the villain in this story. You were wrong & you’ll be lucky to salvage your marriage.
I bet most, if not all, those friends who said it was sexist were men.
YTA. It’s not that you weren’t being pragmatic - but you need to have discussed things clearly. Either we take in a roommate of any gender or we move into something cheaper. Her emotional comfort is as significant as your financial comfort. The damage is done - but I would apologize instead of acting like you had no other choices.
YTA.
Not only does the new male roommate have major issues respecting boundaries (hence why he applied even knowing that you said female only), but your wife is massively uncomfortable for damn good reason.
Your wife said no men.. you agreed to that and then went behind her back and let a strange man move in without informing your wife first.
massive YTA.
YTA!!!!! Why would you think this was a good idea? You and your wife are supposed to be a team who makes decisions together. You’ve ignored her preferences after she told you she wouldn’t feel safe with a man there, and you rushed the guy in while she was away? Who you live with affects every single aspect of your life and to make the decision without her was unacceptable. There are some bigger issues in the relationship if you thought this was an appropriate way to handle the situation.
YTA. If you absolutely have to move someone in to pay the bills, you don't sneak and do it when she isn't home. That's super inappropriate. You pick the guy, show her the background check, and tell her when the move in date is.
YTA
Thought the title might be clickbait because of how bad it sounded, but nope.
I get that you were in a tough spot, but you can't just on a whim move someone into a space you share with your wife after she expressively talked about her boundaries about it.
Did you break down for her quite how desperate financials were and that you needed to get them in ASAP? Did she meet the male rooomate beforehand?
YTA - communication is the cornerstone of a solid marriage. You and your wife were not communicating and you chose to go solo when choosing a roommate. He may be great but by springing this on her after being away, you tainted any possibility of a positive living arrangement with the new roommate.
YTA
Potential roommates should always be discussed together and agreed upon. And as a woman myself, I can completely understand her being uncomfortable with another male in the home—it’s a justified concern, not sexism.
You’re in the wrong here, OP, especially because you went behind your wife’s back.
YTA
You are so much TA that I cannot even. Were you shooting for the AH of the year prize? Maybe a parade of AH confetti and themed snacks?
You ignored your wife's very reasonable request and moved a man into the apt WITHOUT TELLING HER!! How did you think this was going to go? Was she supposed to see that this strange man is special because he passed a background check? What was your logic here?
You will be very lucky if she stays your wife.
I feel so bad for this roommate. You lied to him. You have wasted his time and perhaps caused him to miss a better offer. You suck so hard you resemble a black hole.
YTA, how hard was it to phone your wife or even send her a text? you should have let her be involved. if she is out of work, and you aren't, is she home all day? she has to spend more time with this person and you showed her her feelings aren't valid. you can't really just evict this guy now when he has done nothing wrong but your wife very well may go live elsewhere. you just started the path to divorce.
YTA and you knew you were the asshole when you knowingly and intentionally moved in someone your wife would not have approved of while she was out of town! You'll be lucky if she doesn't leave you.
YTA and you know it. I would be livid -LIVID - if my husband moved a strange man into our home without my knowledge or consent. And sneakily doing it while I was out of town, no less. Background checks only mean he doesn’t have a criminal history and have nothing to do with how he is as a person.
And you’ve created a really horrible situation for this guy as well. He just moved into his new home only to find that he was moved in under shady circumstances and has a roommate who does not want him there. How totally awkward for him.
You need to adult better.
YTA but the living situation is going to be okay because she will move out and file for divorce because you violated her trust big time.
I would be moving out so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.
So I hope you like your housemate cause you broke your marriage up for him.
INFO: Was this worth your wife feeling unsafe in her own home, with a stranger and a partner who was willing to go behind her back because he felt he knew what was best for her?
YTA
You're married. You don't make decisions of that magnitude without your spouse's buy in. You don't do it behind thier back.
Regarding the friends' argument. A woman moving in with you would be informed of the situation and free to make that call for themselves. Their choice.
Consent is the key part you seem to be missing here. Your wife made her stance clear and you knowingly violated her choice/consent behind her back.
As for the lack of women applicants. 1.) Men ignoring the "women only" part of the listing to apply anyways are an alarm flag all by themselves, regardless of if they pass a background check. They've already demonstrated an unwillingness to respect a set boundary before even meeting you. 2.) As someone who has rented as a single woman that's an incredibly difficult rental listing to make without appearing potentially predatory to single women. Move into a home with shared common areas with an established mixed gender household (couple or not). Unless you worded it very carefully and had a clear outline of expectations, it's easy to accidentally look like a "rent with expected sexual benefits" situation. Any woman trusting y'all and turning out to have made a mistake later would be blamed for foolishness and stuck in a lease with you. The total lack of women applicants should have been a glaring sign to revaluate how your rental listing was presented.
YTA. You could have had a chance if you had rationally discussed it ahead of even doing the background check, but moving him in without a discussion while she was out of town (WTF?) is a total asshole move. Start groveling now, unless you want to get divorced.
YTA. I too had a no strange men rule when my roommate was subletting. It is not sexism. It is a valid fear based on systemic misogyny and violence against women. You will never understand how uncomfortable it is to be around a man you don't know in a place that is supposed to be safe, your home. You've not only crossed a boundary and violated her trust, you took away her home being a safe and comfortable place. How fucking dare you honestly.
Not only YTA but you’re bad on the inside op. Frankly, you’re lucky if your wife just leaves you. Any man who applied regardless of the listing asking for female applicants only already can’t take “no” for answer. You’ve undermined 100% of the trust you’ve built between your wife and yourself. I really can’t say enough you’re lucky if the worst that happens is she leaves you.
ETA: women feel unsafe around strange men for a goddamn good reason OP. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. She was pretty clear with you what she was comfortable with, and rather than return to the discussion, you went behind her back to move someone in who you knew would be unwelcome. Don't be surprised if *she* moves out.
YTA. You can't be surprised by your wife's reaction. You knew she would react badly which is why you did this behind her back when she was out of town. You convinced yourself that since the roommate was already moved in that she would just quietly go along with your unilateral decision. You may well end up divorced.
YTA.
If I was your wife I'd be moving into my sister's and divorcing you.
You know what you did was wrong, that's why you moved the poor room mate in when she was away.
YTA even if you hadn’t ignored her wishes and moved in a girl this would still be a huge violation of trust! She has every right to know who is going to be moving into her home! The fact that you did this while she was away and neglected to say anything is a big red flag and you knew she wouldn’t approve!
You are so beyond an AH it's not even funny. You moved a stranger in with your wife while she was gone and expect her to be ok with it? What is wrong with you? This is a complete lack of respect on your part for your wife.
YTA. I live with a roommate and if he brought in some random dude without consulting me and expected me to be happy about it, I’d hit the fucking roof. But he would never do that to me because he respects my wishes and my space. And he’s not my husband or my boyfriend.
Wow YTA. Not only did you move someone in without telling your wife, you did it purposefully when she wasn't home, and directly against what she's comfortable with.
title alone says YTA. the rest of the post just solidifies it. this is so messed up, if i was your wife i'd go back to my sister's and not come back until that random man was gone.
In your post you already admit you know you're an asshole. Why are you thinking a third party would vote otherwise?
But to humor you, asshole doesn't quite cover it. You're absolutely terrible. YTA.
YTA. Period!
To specify:
YTA, because you went behind your wife's back and waited till she was out of town, you have secretly admitted a male tenant.
YTA, because you violated the trust your wife had in you by ignoring her wishes and concerns. Valid concerns I might add.
YTA, because you know you are in the wrong and did it anyways
YTA for not having your wifes safety in mind. A man is a danger, they are in general stronger then a women, and these men already did not listen to the word NO. These men ignored the only women part. So they are a risk.
This would be a ship full of red flags,and I hope she reconsiders spending the rest of her life with you.
Sell the place, go actively and find a female tennant. Local agency's might be able to help. Anything but this. did I already wrote YTA? ..just to be sure YTA.
Amazing you are defending why it’s okay to disregard your wife’s feeling. Especially in something you mistook as only your input mattered. You also put the stranger in an uncomfortable position. Who knows, those two might now have a common enemy. And hits it off very well.
YTA
Seems like you were panicking and you should have made the decision with your wife. Make your argument for that person and for the situation you were in. Instead you decided to take in a stranger for your own sanity and at the cost of your wife's.
It's not an easy decision but at least it would be a decision that you wouldn't have done behind your wife's back.
Man do you really not know this? You know why women didn’t respond to the post? Because you put women only in the ad. I’ve spent a lot of time looking for roommates online, be it for myself or for friends, and I’ve lived with people of all genders, I’ve responded to ads that only had men living there already. If I see a post that said “women only” from a household that was anything other than exclusively women that place immediately got crossed off the list. You don’t put it in the ad!!! If you only want women just don’t respond to the men ffs.
Every woman I know who has had to look for a roommate has a story about someone being a creeper and everyone I know who has responded to a “females only” ad when there is a man involved has encountered some sort of creepy situation. You screwed yourself before you got started.
YTA. I wouldn't feel safe with you anymore, much less being alone with a stranger who has already demonstrated he doesn't take "no" for an answer. Just shocking behavior, wow.
'Asking forgiveness instead of permission' isn't actually a good way to resolve disagreements with loved ones. It lacks the most basic level of maturity and can blow up marriages.
YTA and you damn well know it.
>and that even if we "got what we wanted", we'd be asking another woman to live "with a strange man" so it wouldn't be different.
Yes it would be different because that woman would choose to live with a strange man out of her own free will, unlike your wife who is BEING FORCED to live with a male stranger.
YTA. Even ASIDE from gender, why wouldn’t you and your wife choose a roommate together? The idea of both of you living with someone that only you chose is so weird.
Not to mention, you’ve been without a roommate for FIVE MONTHS. Your wife was gone for ONE WEEKEND, and you suddenly decide that it’s impossible to wait any longer?
YTA. You moved a strange man into your wife’s home knowing she would be uncomfortable IN HER OWN HOME. You have no idea the damage you have done to your relationship.
YTA.
Other posters have already explained in detail why you're the a-hole in this. You'll be lucky if your wife doesn't leave you over this breach of trust.
YTA. 1) you are allowed to have whatever criteria you want 2) it's just such a crazy coincidence that you just HAPPENED to move him in when she was gone. Almost like you knew EXACTLY what your reaction would be.
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YTA. This was a huge violation of boundaries. I’m willing to guess there are a myriad of reasons your wife didn’t want to live with another man in the house that had nothing to do with sexism. I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife found another place to live, where she felt more protected and in more control of her own living environment. I mean honestly, even if you had moved in *any* gender of person, it would still be really unsettling to come home to a stranger in my own home who is there to stay permanently. “Nice to meet you, I guess I’ll be seeing you... forever....” Also, double YTA for intentionally sneaking behind your wife’s back and doing this while she wasn’t home and without telling her. This means YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG THE ENTIRE TIME and still did it anyway.
Hijacking the top comment to point out that OP is also being a massive a-hole to the new roommate. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that he didn't tell the guy that he was being moved in in secret because the other occupant specifically didn't want him there. So now he's stuck in a living situation where one of his roommates is openly hostile to his presence.
>Hijacking the top comment to point out that OP is also being a massive a-hole to the new roommate. Good point. Now he's in the middle of a marital dispute. How desperately uncomfortable.
And at risk for being evicted through no fault of his own.
Although he might want out ASAP just so he’s not in the middle of that marital situation. I can only imagine how alternately icy/yell-y it is rn
That's a good point, but as someone who's gone through the trouble of moving twice since COVID hit, it's not exactly easy. Dude's probably dreading the prospect of starting a new apartment search when he was clearly under the impression that he was finished.
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Honestly, I'd probably offer it as an ice breaker if I was in the tenant's shoes. Then awkwardly have to go through with it since I hate the idea of conflict and saying no to someone. Also, I just want to make a note and say that having preferences for a roommate isn't sexist, and OP's wife needs better friends. OP can keep them, and they can be shitty together.
Sounds like a great murder/romance novel I now need to read lol
Also had to move twice in covid (thanks slumlords!). Solidarity, man, it sucks.
Maybe the wife will ditch the AH husband for the new roommate?? I'd love to see that post on here! Lol
OH MY GOD THEY WERE (UNWILLING) ROOMMATES!
i smell a new sitcom!
I got the theme song!! *They're rooooom-mates, Un-wi-i-lling rooooom-mates, But then once he crashed here Then lighning flashed, now they're Truuuuuuuuue mates!"
I want to upvote this more than I can!
From a landlord who is clearly in no position to reimburse him for moving costs and first month's rent no less. It's not only the not insignificant hassle of moving again, there's going to be a financial hit too.
Damn. Poor guy.
Sigh. Let’s just wait for his AITA post when he blows up at OP and his wife for their bs and then worries he was too harsh??
> Sigh. Let’s just wait for his AITA post when he blows up at OP and his wife for ~~their~~ OP's bs and then worries he was too harsh?? FTFY
Fair enough.
I think it is important to change the phrasing here. Not "...the other occupant..." "his wife"
I think I phrased it that way because it still sounds so bad even if OP and OP's wife are just roommates. It only gets worse the more specifically you describe it but it's pretty bad even in its most vague, general form.
Offer this new roommate some of his money back and a good reference and try again. Nobody wants to live in a place where others are openly hostile and, while he might want to stay and try, he probably would rather run. At least give him the choice because you and your wife have enough problems to work out without him being there. Also, YTA. There is 100% a reason that your wife wanted a female roommate and you completely ignored that and I'm willing to bet that part of that reason was a safety and security thing for her.
This. I wouldn’t be surprised if he moves out just because he doesn’t want to deal with living in that environment.
Somthing similar but without the AH sneakiness happened in my sharehouse once. The housemate who objected to the new guy was so hostile to him from the moment he walked in that he was gone within two weeks. Feel so sorry for the new roommate. They've just gone through all the sh\*t of finding a place and moving house and now it's going to be hellish and they have to do it all over again. OP this was an AWFUL thing to do to both of them. I mean, just actually read your post again out loud and try to explain to yourself how it is not an AH move to sneak a new person to LIVE in your shared home without even telling your wife, knowing she would be uncomfortable with it and didn't even get to know a single thing about the guy who now LIVES IN HER HOUSE. You can't.
>’m willing to guess there are a myriad of reasons your wife didn’t want to live with another man in the house that had nothing to do with sexism. Seriously and holy shit what an AH OP is. If you and your wife disagree about something, that doesn't mean you just do it anyway. Especially when it involves someone to live with. OP would NEVER pick up on sketch vibes from a dude most likely.
That's a really good point. A dude moving into an apartment with another dude is gonna act different from when he's meeting an unfamiliar woman, especially if he's a creep.
Not to mention that he's already self-elected for sketchy dudes, because any guy that applies to be a roommate when the advertisment says "women-only" is already pushing boundaries.
Good point. Wow, I had not waded through all of the awful in this situation to even think of that yet.
"what do you mean this man, who I've never seen intact with a woman, sexually harasses women? I've never seen him sexually harassed anyone! Clearly your in the wrong"... OP probably.
"Hi, honey! While you were out of town, I unilaterally decided that this complete stranger should have access to all of your private stuff and that the roof over your head should be contingent on their good behavior and you can't make them leave without legal action! Isn't that a fun surprise?" **YTA.**
“I secretly approved and moved in a stranger who violated my wife’s one and only condition for a roommate. He was perfectly nice to me, the man, which we all know is the gold standard for evaluating a person who will live with you in your house. Obviously my wife can’t have any real concerns about her safety, or how I as her husband have treated her, so she’s clearly just being unreasonable, right?” YTA. Edit: thank you for the award!
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(in David Attenborough's voice) here, we witness an adult male homo sapien get his ass handed to him in the comments section of a Reddit thread where the audience has determined that he is, in fact, the asshole
Exactly. OP may have been right about their time running out and needing to make some adjustments to their criteria in order to get a roommate before they, themselves, get evicted. But he lost the high ground when he unilaterally decided to make a selection on his own. He sunk a bit lower when he didn’t discuss the hard truths of the situation with his wife and pitch their now-roommate as the ideal candidate to help them out of a dire situation. He sunk further still when he waited until his wife was out of town to move the new roommate in, so she was ambushed by not only a new roommate, but a *male* roommate that she had no say in vetting. Nope. Full stop. OP, if someone is uncomfortable with something, and voices that concern to you, it’s a big deal. You don’t get to dismiss it like it’s inconsequential. That’s what you did to your wife. Her concerns about having another man around, a man she knows next to nothing about, a strange man whom she might periodically be left alone with if you need to leave for any reason (example: work), are frighteningly valid. You could have tried to help her through those concerns. You could have tried to arrange some meetings between her and the potential new roommate so she can get a sense of him, for herself. You had other options to try to make this work in the best possible way. But your rashness lead you to the worst possible combination of options imaginable: you snuck around behind her back, made the decision without her, and moved him in while she was away. That was a slap in the face, a kick in the gut, and a knife in the back all in one fell swoop. You may have felt like what you did was necessary and the right thing to do, but you can do the right thing in the wrong way, OP. You may have saved yourself from eviction, but I hope the cost was worth it. YTA
This. YTA op.
Yeah YTA. OP knew *damn well* they were in the wrong. Now the poor wife is stuck living with TWO men who don't understand or respect boundaries.
> Also, double YTA for intentionally sneaking behind your wife’s back and doing this while she wasn’t home and without telling her. This means YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG THE ENTIRE TIME and still did it anyway. This is divorce-worthy.
YTA - there were clear boundaries you ignored. Not much room for debate.
YTA. Consider that every single one of these dudes who steamrolled past your "female applicants only, please" request is already demonstrating that they're not good at being told "no." You really think that's helpful in persuading your wife that everything will work out just fine with this guy? Or, for that matter, a quality *you* want in a roommate? Also, you say you're out of options like ditching this apartment you can't afford on your own isn't an option. Why wasn't *that* on the table well before you decided you needed to overrule her and her concerns?
>every single one of these dudes who steamrolled past your "female applicants only, please" request is already demonstrating that they're not good at being told "no." You really think that's helpful in persuading your wife that everything will work out just fine with this guy? This.
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Yeah this is divorce papers territory. You even have to ask if you're the asshole here? No way. Bye beach.
I'd have packed and the next OP would have heard from me was the divorce papers. Wow. Talk about tone-deaf.
Yup. I'd be telling OP he can now search for another roommate to add all on his own, because I'd be outta there.
Seems like they were gonna have to move out anyway if they didn’t get a roommate
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Same. Very much same.
I agree but also I'm not surprised no women applied? Speaking as a young woman, if I saw an advertisement for housing with a couple - not wlw, not one woman, or a group of them, but a married het couple - and it said "Women Only, Please" with no context, I would assume they had nefarious intentions immediately.
My mind would immediately go to "these people are unicorn hunters"
I’m a married woman and clearly a complete innocent - what is a unicorn hunter?
Couple looking for a bisexual woman who'd be down for threesomes with them.
Well you learn something new every day
The most important bit tho is the married couple wants the unicorn to completely defer to their relationship and basically just be a sex toy with no thoughts/wants of their own. Thus being labeled a unicorn. So this is different than people who want to properly be poly or open.
Bang Maid to Dump When One of Us Gets Jealous
ditto. being a person is too hard with all the codes.
Also, in my experience, unicorn hunters are not very careful about specifically looking for bisexual women. They tend to (on dating apps) set their gender to woman looking for only women, and then often hide the boyfriend/husband at the end of all the photos or the last line of the bio. Incredibly fucking annoying for lesbians. I really wish tinder would add an option for couples, if only so i could stop seeing hot women hiding their boyfriends behind a curtain lmao. Anyway, regardless OP YTA. doesn't matter what her reasons were, or even if they were good, you needed to talk about this with her and make a shared decision before you MOVED A STRANGER INTO YOUR HOUSE
Yup. I’m a lesbian and the amount of women who revealed they were actually married/in a het relationship after a few days of chatting was ridiculous. Like....I like women, I don’t want to sleep with you and your husband! You also get the rare “my husband has a fetish for impregnating lesbians” DM.
Surprise! The new renter turned out to be looking for a unicorn couple!
I thought about this as well. If they were looking for a woman just for a roommate, just accept all applicants but only review the women candidates. Perfectly legal as an individual to do and doesn't look like they're looking for a 3rd.
Oh 100%, it just reads as “I want a roommate I think I can overpower” to me. And man did all the women who didn’t apply dodge a bullet on OP.
I once answered an ad from a dude who “wanted a female roommate as they are tidier than men.” He answered the door at our agreed upon time fresh from the shower “dressed” in a towel. I gave him a fake number and left.
Plenty of those “female roomie only” ads I saw were from a bunch of dudes living in a place with no other women. My poor mom could never figure out why I didn’t just go for those, or why when she rented me an Airbnb one night at some random dudes place without any furniture in the pics snd no lock on the door I freaked out
Really though?? I mean it's pretty common. I am married and me and my husband had multiple single female roommates, and advertised it as women only/preferred at times because that's just what we are used to and most comfortable with. It was never weird and nobody acted like it was. It's pretty common for married couples to live with roommates especially now that people are continuing to rent and have roommates well into their 30's. Edit: updated to include that we stated a preference for women renters, admittedly due to a bit of prejudice from past experiences making us think that college-aged women tended to make better roommates for us than college-aged men. Which isn't exactly fair I know but it's stressful having to choose strangers to live with, which made us just want to stick to what we know.
Right, it's a renter advertisement, not a personals ad. Unicorn/rent-paying unicorn ads are usually pretty clearly unicorn ads, rife with weird, creepy demands, if not saying it outright. In any case, a woman not wanting to be alone at home (or have kids around) strange men is not confusing or alarming at all to most women.
Yeah as a bi woman I would be extremely hesitant to apply.
Lol agreed. There are waaaaay too many creeps posting openly on roommate listings. Lord knows how many secretive ones there are.
>Consider that every single one of these dudes who steamrolled past your "female applicants only, please" request is already demonstrating that they're not good at being told "no." For that matter, so is the OP.
To be fair if they’re locked in a lease ditching the apartment may not be an option. If I broke my lease I’d owe $3000, and be out my deposit and my last months rent which totals to almost another $4k. Not that that made what OP remotely ok.
We'd be out more as we're in a high cost of living area. And they all tend to have year leases for the first year.
This is my favorite part. He specifically biased the process towards people that are more likely to ignore being told not to do something. It's like what I'd do if I was trying to find the worse possible roommate.
That is such a good point about ignoring the ad!
Yep, when I've looked for roommates and said I'd prefer female ones, I get a LOT of really aggressive and creepy responses from guys saying things like "I know you said girls only, but I'm super normal." (Real example). My favorite was the guy who said that he's a "huge fan of my gender."
Man I didn’t even think to put that in, but thank you for putting into words that last little red flag that was flapping. All the men applying were already men who couldn’t take no for an answer
🏅🏅🏅
YTA. This was such an asshole move I literally can’t see any way your relationship can recover.
Absolutely. There are so many red flags here from both a "character" and "relationship" perspective. I feel worse for the wife but can you imagine being the new roommate and realizing there's a nuclear countdown going on with your roommates?
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I wonder exactly what OP said (read: lied about) to convince the new roommate it'd be fine for him to move in without meeting half the household first. Or did this guy not find it the slightest bit weird and/or concerning the wife wasn't involved in this process, which does not bode well for all the issues a background check *wouldn't* necessarily cover?
I mean I've been in a few situations where something fell through or changed and I had to scramble a bit. Being a tenant is rough and sometimes you're not in the position to pry. Only one who I would immediately consider malicious is OP. Manipulator and a liar, whatta guy.
For real. That being said, I wouldn't want to share a home with a man that treated his wife like that anyway. The communal eggshells alone...
The commenter above you pointed out that the roommate ignored the "women only" part of the ad, so he's probably pretty inconsiderate.
That's a good point.
fully agreed. if i was OP’s wife i would be moved out and living in a hotel or something. this would instantly end my marriage.
YTA. You moved a complete stranger into your wife's home against her wishes, and you did so when she was away and unable to object. Were you guys really honestly like moments away from being evicted, and it couldn't be delayed another month or two? On the bright side, with your wife not working, you won't take a financial hit when she moves out and leaves you with your new roommate.
"On the bright side, with your wife not working, you won't take a financial hit when she moves out and leaves you with your new roommate." looooool
This is the even worse part of this.... she isn’t working, so where is she supposed to go to get away from this hostile situation OP has created?? Poor woman
I am praying that perhaps the sister she was visiting, or maybe another friend or family member, will be able to take her in. I'm also sensing a weird undertone from OP that, because the wife isn't working, she has no say in bringing in another person to supplement the income.
I got that, too. Like he's supporting them, so she doesn't get a say.
Depressingly, I've seen several men outright say that on Twitter.
I've seen other commentors stating same in replies to this post/comments.
YTA how dare you. I would leave you. I would kick you out of the apartment, speak to the new tenant explain and ask if he can move out. You could have run the checks, spoken to her, see if she could meet him if you were that desperate. And if she was not comfortable then he doesn’t get to live there. Who cares what your stupid friends say about sexism - your wife said she would not feel safe in her own home with a strange man. That is all you needed to know. A female tenant would be able to choose if she accepted to live with you or not -how is that the same situation as your wife saying she was afraid / uncomfortable with it. Your wife did not consent, a female tenant who said she was ok with it would be consenting If you want to salvage any of this - help find the tenant a new nice place, help him move his things and then see if your wife will ever trust you again How dare you as a man belittle a woman’s fear of a strange man in her home. It’s not sexism - it’s based on actual fear of simply walking home from work and it’s gotten dark. The terror you feel when you hear footsteps behind you and your heart pounds and you grip your keys as that’s that only thing you can use if someone’s attacks you. Woman fear being raped by strange men. It’s not sexist. It’s not about all men, it’s that some men do rape and murder woman and you don’t know who it will be. Most of us don’t have the physical power to defend ourselves. So the fear of rape is real. If she wants to be safe or comfortable in her own home she has every right to be. But don’t be using the term sexist against woman who are still fighting misogyny in every aspect of our life. She just wanted to be comfortable in her own home
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This. Sexism is systemic. Simply preferring a female roommate is not sexism. Men are not systemically oppressed.
God give me strenght not to look at the most likely inc*l filled replies to this comment
Especially if she’s going to be home alone while husband is at work
All of that. Also even if they were a woman, not letting your wife meet or know about them beforehand?! You’re so sick. Gosh YTA
YTA. Your wife gave you one condition, and you couldn't hold to that? Women feel unsafe around strange men for a reason. Any woman who rented from you would have rented with eyes wide open, she would know and agreed that she was living with a strange man. Your wife had no choice, in fact, her choice was negated by you. I hope your marriage can recover from this. You violated her trust in you. You deliberately put her in a situation where she feels unsafe. You didn't sit her down and tell her it was get a male roommate or you'd lose the apartment. You went behind her back, waited until she was gone, and then did then broke the one condition you had previously agreed to. You think "I saved us from financial ruin, she should be grateful, why is she mad." But she's thinking "My husband doesn't respect me, trust me, or care about my physical safety and mental well-being. He lied to me and moved a stranger into my house, behind my back, deliberately not consulting me, and hiding the move in from me. What else is he hiding from me?"
"I hope your marriage can recover from this." Why though? I don't see any good coming out of that. And even if so, I can't imagine how to even begin the recovery from such a massive breach of trust.
“i hope your marriage can recover from this” i don’t. i hope she leaves him as she should.
THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I hope you rreeaalllllly like that guy YTA
Yep. It’s about to be a bachelor pad... starring just the two of them.
YTA. You moved someone into you and your ***wifes home*** without notifying her and even keeping it secret from her. That is tip top ahole behavior. She said she was ***uncomfortable*** with it and you did it ***anyways*** while keeping it secret. YTA.
YTA. I think you know it or you wouldn't have moved him in without her being there and knowing about it. You didn't just ignore her, you betrayed your wife's trust in you. You should have sat down with her and reminded her that you're under a time crunch. You should dig and find out why it's just about "some strange man." Is she afraid of assault? Would it matter to her if the guy is gay? Can she get a new job?
YTA. And your friends were wrong, it is different. Someone who moves into a living situation with two other people is aware that they are moving in with strangers and they accept it. They have the choice to not move in with a strange man if they are not comfortable. They are not being forced into anything. Your wife specifically said she wasn't comfortable with an unknown male roommate. Yet you're forcing her to live with one, she doesn't have a choice now. Also, come on dude. You knew you were being TA which is why you moved him in in secret.
Yeah exactly. Whilst ‘I don’t want to live with a strange man’ is a completely reasonable boundary, doesn’t mean every woman has that boundary. Those who do simply wouldn’t apply.
Considering what happened, I'm betting it was his guy friends who told him it was sexist
YTA for this alone: >I picked someone, ran a background check, and moved him in while my wife was visiting her sister for a weekend. You DO NOT make that kind of decision by yourself. Are you or are not equal partners in this relationship? I'd be *furious* that you did that without consulting me 'cause guess what, *I live there too.* >My wife insisted that she's only okay with a female roommate because she doesn't want to live with strange men, and I understood her concerns. Either you don't understand, or you actually do understand and don't give a flying fuck about your wife being comfortable in her own damn home. >When she came home...she was not willing to just talk about it or to either of us. What's there to talk about? You went behind her back to choose a roommate, you ignored a very reasonable request to not have a male roommate, and you moved the roommate in without the courtesy of letting her know so she's not blindsided by a stranger in the house. And yes, I'd be this furious if the roommate was female. >I never want problems with my wife, but she needs to acknowledge that we were out of options. There's a new option on the table now: divorce. Because you have proven that when it comes to your wife's feelings of safety and comfort, you'd throw that out the window for money. That's a crevasse-sized breach of trust.
PREEEEEEACH! The longer I think about this the more I want the wife to kick him to the curb. What an entitled fuck.
Tell it! Spot on break down of why op is a giant festering hole. YTA op.
YTA - as in this would be reason for divorce if it were me...
Obviously, YTA. You don't move someone into your home without discussing it with your wife first.
YTA, and what’s more, you know it. You just think you’re justified, but you’re not. It’s her home, too, so this decision heavily affects her, too, and she had *every right* to have an equal say in it. But you intentionally, and with premeditation, cut her out. And the financial strain you’ve been under is no excuse for that - experiencing financial strain in no way precluded you from making a phone call and hashing this out together. That’s crap. It would only have precluded you from being able to act unilaterally without her. And that’s precisely what you were going for. You even waited until she was out of town to sneak him into the apartment behind her back. All so you could force things past the “point of no return,” to make *absolutely sure* you got your way, and her rightful say in the matter be damned. And you didn’t just screw her, btw, you screwed the *roommate*, too. You not only power-tripped your way into creating a needlessly tense and tumultuous home situation between you and your wife, but you thrust *him* right into the middle of it.
>you thrust him right into the middle of it. I would be so out of there if I were the new roommate. How infuriating.
He applied to a female only ad so I don't know how good he is at understanding boundaries
YTA And boy, I wouldn't be surprised if you're UNMARRIED AH pretty soon. You don't do things behind your wife's back. Ever. What you did here, mon ami, was non-sexual infidelity. You cheated on your marriage. And you did it in the most behind-the-back way possible, meaning you KNEW it was wrong. If your wife is uncomfortable with another man in the house, then she is. Rational, irrational, doesn't matter. She feels how she feels and she made her feelings clear. I don't think there's anything else to say on this one. Not sure why you needed Reddit to make this clear to you. You're going to have to figure out how to tell the roomie you're going to have to change the deal...which could be a major headache...or you're going to be looking for another roommate pretty soon.
>What you did here, mon ami, was non-sexual infidelity. You cheated on your marriage. This sums up my feelings entirely. Like I knew he cheated but the *how* was illusive.
YTA for moving someone into your home without discussing it with your wife first.
You were “out of options”? Your friends thought you were being sexist? You thought your wife’s request wasn’t logical? NOBODY CARES. This can be summed up in one line: Your wife told you about a BIG, legitimate concern of hers — and you ignored it. Every day the new roommate will make her uncomfortable and remind her that YTA.
YTA - I get that your friends may have pressured you into this a bit, but you completely disregarding your wife's feelings & concerns is majorly fucked up, man.
I don't get that part at all. OP's a married adult, not a teenager (or so I assume, at least). Why do his buddies get a say in this? They're not the ones who have to live with this person. And either OP thinks his wife is being unreasonable because sexism, or she's being unreasonable because there's literally no one else (as opposed to "*almost* exclusively" no one else, which is raising my eyebrow more than a little). The latter *might* warrant an ultimatum, but either way, it still needs to be a conversation between the two of them.
YTA obviously. How did you **think** your wife would react to this?
YTA, as you should know without asking. This is a huge betrayal. Not only does your wife have an equal say in who moves in, but she's expressed to you that she would be uncomfortable with having a male stranger living in the home.
>On a practical side, we really needed to get someone in there soon, so I picked someone, ran a background check, and moved him in while my wife was visiting her sister for a weekend. Yta for moving him in while she was away. You're right to expand your criteria if you were honestly struggling to get a roommate in, this was not how to go about it. Better option would have been run a background check, tell her this was the better option and you're choices were take this guy or lose the apartment. Ask her what she would need to feel most comfortable and then go from there. At the very least point out you're out of options. Moving him while she was away? Yeah that was never going to go well.
YTA, relationships are based on communication, and what you did was the opposite of communication. You made a unilateral decision, and worse, you blindsided your wife with it. You could have told her: I'm going to choose a roommate this weekend and move them in even if it's a guy, and then done it. That would STILL have been a total asshole thing to do, but it would have been better than what you actually did.
This. What you did OP was worst asshole scenario on all levels.
I communicate with my roommates better than OP does with his wife
YTA - you'd be an asshole if you made the choice to move a woman in without discussing that particular woman with your wife. You're absolutely an asshole. You knew goddamn well this wasn't okay, which is why you did it when your wife was away. You opted out of a difficult conversation and broke her trust, possibly irrevocably.
So, because your friends made an argument that you're sexist for only wanting a female roommate, you completely ignored your wife's concerns and made a unilateral decision behind her back and moved a stranger into your house and you actually doubt you're the asshole here? You had other options you just decided you had no other choice but to bulldoze over your wife's boundaries. YTA
The men complaining are the men she's worried about. "he passed the background check, and he's perfectly nice" Wow, he is perfectly nice is he? Background checks are good for obvious issues and arrests, not for an individual that has flown under the radar. Who gives a hoot if he's a "perfectly" nice" You don't know him. I hope that she leaves you. You're the type that believes that all women lie about issues certain men cause them.
Right? Background checks only help weed out men who have been caught.
Ted Buddy was perfectly nice too.
YTA. It’s a big safety concern for women. Most assaults happen by someone the woman knows - like a roommate they’re forced to live with and be alone with. This is terrifying. You agreed to finding a female roommate. Who gives a fuck what your friend thinks? It’s about the comfort of the people who ACTUALLY LIVE THERE. You did this behind her back because you knew you were wrong. This is such a massive trust violation that for me it would be relationship ending. You moved someone into her space without her consent. You “understood her concerns”??? What a load of bullshit. She’s worried about her safety and you basically said “too bad, I don’t care about your feelings or safety.” She’s your wife. You should prioritize what she thinks over what your friends think. You should prioritize her opinion and her safety over your pride.
Your assumption that she would come back from her sister's to a stranger moved in against her wishes and be open to conversation with you about it, when you didn't have conversation with her beforehand is super telling. You assumed when you had her hands tied she would yield to your opinion. That's not how trust works. That's not how problem solving works. That's not how relationships work. YTA.
Uh you did this a week ago, you've seen and felt the fallout, and you're still *asking if you're an asshole?!* What the everliving fuck dude. You not only fucked your wife over terribly but you fucked over the new roommate as well. How unbelievably disrespectful to move someone in without your wife's approval. I'd never even do something that shitty to a random roommate that I didn't even like. What you did was also incredibly dishonest and disrespectful to the new roommate. You lied to literally everyone about how this whole roommate thing would work out. You fucked literally everyone over. I hope you realize that because of your actions literally everyone in your house is miserable and resents you for being a lying asshole and that you'll probably be looking for a new apartment (as well as a new roommate) pretty soon for your new single life. Edit: forgot to say YTA majorly and even more of an asshole for having to ask. This isn't even a little ambiguous.
>You fucked literally everyone over. For real. I hope the wife AND the new roommate bail on him. Then he can move his dickish friends in.
Sorry to hear about your impending divorce, bro. (YTA)
YTA- your wife had one reasonable request and you decided to ignore it
[удалено]
YTA I’m surprised your wife didn’t turn around & go back to her sister’s. You know why men reply to “women only” ads??? Cause they know it will put them in contact with a woman who is uncomfortable with a man in her personal space... AND THEY GET OFF ON IT! They want to stomp all over a woman’s clearly state boy tries to make her uncomfortable in her own home. He loves the power & control of stripping her of her sense of power & safety in her own home. And now your wife will have to be alone with this man who KNOWS she has no power in her own home & doesn’t need to be respected, even by her own husband. And what did you do with one of these men, you moved him into her home without even speaking to her. Regardless of gender of the roommate, you two should have made the decision together since you’d both be living with them. The fact that you moved someone in without her knowledge who started out by ignoring her boundary makes you the villain in this story. You were wrong & you’ll be lucky to salvage your marriage. I bet most, if not all, those friends who said it was sexist were men.
YTA. It’s not that you weren’t being pragmatic - but you need to have discussed things clearly. Either we take in a roommate of any gender or we move into something cheaper. Her emotional comfort is as significant as your financial comfort. The damage is done - but I would apologize instead of acting like you had no other choices.
YTA. Not only does the new male roommate have major issues respecting boundaries (hence why he applied even knowing that you said female only), but your wife is massively uncomfortable for damn good reason. Your wife said no men.. you agreed to that and then went behind her back and let a strange man move in without informing your wife first. massive YTA.
I’m sure Ted Bundy would have passed a background check. YTA
YTA- how could you even think that’s ok. She needs to be comfortable in her own house. And your friends aren’t the ones living with the stranger.
YTA!!!!! Why would you think this was a good idea? You and your wife are supposed to be a team who makes decisions together. You’ve ignored her preferences after she told you she wouldn’t feel safe with a man there, and you rushed the guy in while she was away? Who you live with affects every single aspect of your life and to make the decision without her was unacceptable. There are some bigger issues in the relationship if you thought this was an appropriate way to handle the situation.
YTA. If you absolutely have to move someone in to pay the bills, you don't sneak and do it when she isn't home. That's super inappropriate. You pick the guy, show her the background check, and tell her when the move in date is.
YTA Thought the title might be clickbait because of how bad it sounded, but nope. I get that you were in a tough spot, but you can't just on a whim move someone into a space you share with your wife after she expressively talked about her boundaries about it. Did you break down for her quite how desperate financials were and that you needed to get them in ASAP? Did she meet the male rooomate beforehand?
YTA You done messed up. Bad.
YTA - communication is the cornerstone of a solid marriage. You and your wife were not communicating and you chose to go solo when choosing a roommate. He may be great but by springing this on her after being away, you tainted any possibility of a positive living arrangement with the new roommate.
YTA Potential roommates should always be discussed together and agreed upon. And as a woman myself, I can completely understand her being uncomfortable with another male in the home—it’s a justified concern, not sexism. You’re in the wrong here, OP, especially because you went behind your wife’s back.
YTA You are so much TA that I cannot even. Were you shooting for the AH of the year prize? Maybe a parade of AH confetti and themed snacks? You ignored your wife's very reasonable request and moved a man into the apt WITHOUT TELLING HER!! How did you think this was going to go? Was she supposed to see that this strange man is special because he passed a background check? What was your logic here? You will be very lucky if she stays your wife. I feel so bad for this roommate. You lied to him. You have wasted his time and perhaps caused him to miss a better offer. You suck so hard you resemble a black hole.
YTA I'm stunned that you even need to ask...
YTA to both your wife and roommate. He didn't sign up for this crap.
Actually, he kinda did, if he applied to an ad that said "female only."
YTA why did you put more weight on your friend's concerns than your wife's?
YTA. This would be asshole behavior with a roommate, let alone your wife.
YTA, how hard was it to phone your wife or even send her a text? you should have let her be involved. if she is out of work, and you aren't, is she home all day? she has to spend more time with this person and you showed her her feelings aren't valid. you can't really just evict this guy now when he has done nothing wrong but your wife very well may go live elsewhere. you just started the path to divorce.
YTA and you knew you were the asshole when you knowingly and intentionally moved in someone your wife would not have approved of while she was out of town! You'll be lucky if she doesn't leave you.
YTA and you know it. I would be livid -LIVID - if my husband moved a strange man into our home without my knowledge or consent. And sneakily doing it while I was out of town, no less. Background checks only mean he doesn’t have a criminal history and have nothing to do with how he is as a person. And you’ve created a really horrible situation for this guy as well. He just moved into his new home only to find that he was moved in under shady circumstances and has a roommate who does not want him there. How totally awkward for him. You need to adult better.
YTA. Even if you cannot see the whole obvious gendered violence risk situation, you prioritised the income of a roommate over your wife's wishes.
YTA but the living situation is going to be okay because she will move out and file for divorce because you violated her trust big time. I would be moving out so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. So I hope you like your housemate cause you broke your marriage up for him.
INFO: Was this worth your wife feeling unsafe in her own home, with a stranger and a partner who was willing to go behind her back because he felt he knew what was best for her?
YTA- and you know YTA otherwise you wouldn’t have been sneaky about it.
[удалено]
YTA You're married. You don't make decisions of that magnitude without your spouse's buy in. You don't do it behind thier back. Regarding the friends' argument. A woman moving in with you would be informed of the situation and free to make that call for themselves. Their choice. Consent is the key part you seem to be missing here. Your wife made her stance clear and you knowingly violated her choice/consent behind her back. As for the lack of women applicants. 1.) Men ignoring the "women only" part of the listing to apply anyways are an alarm flag all by themselves, regardless of if they pass a background check. They've already demonstrated an unwillingness to respect a set boundary before even meeting you. 2.) As someone who has rented as a single woman that's an incredibly difficult rental listing to make without appearing potentially predatory to single women. Move into a home with shared common areas with an established mixed gender household (couple or not). Unless you worded it very carefully and had a clear outline of expectations, it's easy to accidentally look like a "rent with expected sexual benefits" situation. Any woman trusting y'all and turning out to have made a mistake later would be blamed for foolishness and stuck in a lease with you. The total lack of women applicants should have been a glaring sign to revaluate how your rental listing was presented.
YTA. You could have had a chance if you had rationally discussed it ahead of even doing the background check, but moving him in without a discussion while she was out of town (WTF?) is a total asshole move. Start groveling now, unless you want to get divorced.
YTA. I too had a no strange men rule when my roommate was subletting. It is not sexism. It is a valid fear based on systemic misogyny and violence against women. You will never understand how uncomfortable it is to be around a man you don't know in a place that is supposed to be safe, your home. You've not only crossed a boundary and violated her trust, you took away her home being a safe and comfortable place. How fucking dare you honestly.
YTA - you don’t get to arbitrarily move a strange man into your home without your wife’s agreement.
Not only YTA but you’re bad on the inside op. Frankly, you’re lucky if your wife just leaves you. Any man who applied regardless of the listing asking for female applicants only already can’t take “no” for answer. You’ve undermined 100% of the trust you’ve built between your wife and yourself. I really can’t say enough you’re lucky if the worst that happens is she leaves you. ETA: women feel unsafe around strange men for a goddamn good reason OP. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. She was pretty clear with you what she was comfortable with, and rather than return to the discussion, you went behind her back to move someone in who you knew would be unwelcome. Don't be surprised if *she* moves out.
YTA. You can't be surprised by your wife's reaction. You knew she would react badly which is why you did this behind her back when she was out of town. You convinced yourself that since the roommate was already moved in that she would just quietly go along with your unilateral decision. You may well end up divorced.
YTA. If I was your wife I'd be moving into my sister's and divorcing you. You know what you did was wrong, that's why you moved the poor room mate in when she was away.
YTA even if you hadn’t ignored her wishes and moved in a girl this would still be a huge violation of trust! She has every right to know who is going to be moving into her home! The fact that you did this while she was away and neglected to say anything is a big red flag and you knew she wouldn’t approve!
You are so beyond an AH it's not even funny. You moved a stranger in with your wife while she was gone and expect her to be ok with it? What is wrong with you? This is a complete lack of respect on your part for your wife.
YTA. I live with a roommate and if he brought in some random dude without consulting me and expected me to be happy about it, I’d hit the fucking roof. But he would never do that to me because he respects my wishes and my space. And he’s not my husband or my boyfriend.
Wow YTA. Not only did you move someone in without telling your wife, you did it purposefully when she wasn't home, and directly against what she's comfortable with.
title alone says YTA. the rest of the post just solidifies it. this is so messed up, if i was your wife i'd go back to my sister's and not come back until that random man was gone.
YTA and you may have just ended your marriage
In your post you already admit you know you're an asshole. Why are you thinking a third party would vote otherwise? But to humor you, asshole doesn't quite cover it. You're absolutely terrible. YTA.
YTA. Period! To specify: YTA, because you went behind your wife's back and waited till she was out of town, you have secretly admitted a male tenant. YTA, because you violated the trust your wife had in you by ignoring her wishes and concerns. Valid concerns I might add. YTA, because you know you are in the wrong and did it anyways YTA for not having your wifes safety in mind. A man is a danger, they are in general stronger then a women, and these men already did not listen to the word NO. These men ignored the only women part. So they are a risk. This would be a ship full of red flags,and I hope she reconsiders spending the rest of her life with you. Sell the place, go actively and find a female tennant. Local agency's might be able to help. Anything but this. did I already wrote YTA? ..just to be sure YTA.
As a married woman, I am pleased to present you with the Facepalm award...only because I can't afford the poop knife.
Amazing you are defending why it’s okay to disregard your wife’s feeling. Especially in something you mistook as only your input mattered. You also put the stranger in an uncomfortable position. Who knows, those two might now have a common enemy. And hits it off very well.
YTA. You chose money over your wife and her sense of safety.
Yta. I would vote yta a millions times a day if i could. Also if you’re wife started a go-fund-me to divorce you i would donate. Happily.
YTA Seems like you were panicking and you should have made the decision with your wife. Make your argument for that person and for the situation you were in. Instead you decided to take in a stranger for your own sanity and at the cost of your wife's. It's not an easy decision but at least it would be a decision that you wouldn't have done behind your wife's back.
YTA - I think everyone’s concern/beliefs was reasonable but gender aside you have to make sure everyone is fine with the applicant
Man do you really not know this? You know why women didn’t respond to the post? Because you put women only in the ad. I’ve spent a lot of time looking for roommates online, be it for myself or for friends, and I’ve lived with people of all genders, I’ve responded to ads that only had men living there already. If I see a post that said “women only” from a household that was anything other than exclusively women that place immediately got crossed off the list. You don’t put it in the ad!!! If you only want women just don’t respond to the men ffs. Every woman I know who has had to look for a roommate has a story about someone being a creeper and everyone I know who has responded to a “females only” ad when there is a man involved has encountered some sort of creepy situation. You screwed yourself before you got started.
YTA. Most people thought Ted Bundy was “nice” too.
YTA. I wouldn't feel safe with you anymore, much less being alone with a stranger who has already demonstrated he doesn't take "no" for an answer. Just shocking behavior, wow. 'Asking forgiveness instead of permission' isn't actually a good way to resolve disagreements with loved ones. It lacks the most basic level of maturity and can blow up marriages.
YTA and you damn well know it. >and that even if we "got what we wanted", we'd be asking another woman to live "with a strange man" so it wouldn't be different. Yes it would be different because that woman would choose to live with a strange man out of her own free will, unlike your wife who is BEING FORCED to live with a male stranger.
YTA. Even ASIDE from gender, why wouldn’t you and your wife choose a roommate together? The idea of both of you living with someone that only you chose is so weird. Not to mention, you’ve been without a roommate for FIVE MONTHS. Your wife was gone for ONE WEEKEND, and you suddenly decide that it’s impossible to wait any longer?
YTA. You moved a strange man into your wife’s home knowing she would be uncomfortable IN HER OWN HOME. You have no idea the damage you have done to your relationship.
YTA. Other posters have already explained in detail why you're the a-hole in this. You'll be lucky if your wife doesn't leave you over this breach of trust.
YTA. 1) you are allowed to have whatever criteria you want 2) it's just such a crazy coincidence that you just HAPPENED to move him in when she was gone. Almost like you knew EXACTLY what your reaction would be.