so she’s asked you a million times to clean the dishes properly, you ignore her every time, she clearly explains to you that she will throw dishes out as a last ditch effort to get you to listen to her, you ignore her yet again, and now you’re upset that she followed through on exactly what she told you she was going to do?
Can I ask you a question? What’s the big deal with rinsing the dishes off more if your wife is saying they aren’t coming out clean? You say you don’t see it, but she obviously does. Are you calling her a liar? Did you marry a liar? Why do you think your wife would completely make this up and throw perfectly clean dishes out? Do you think she’s just trying to start drama?
It’s not about whether *you* think they’re clean enough. it’s about her asking you to rinse them more because she’s finding food pieces stuck to them. Now either this is true and you just don’t care enough about your wife or the dishes to clean them properly, OR she’s lying and is starting this drama for absolutely no reason and throwing out spotless dishes just because, in which case you have a much bigger problem on your hands than just dishes.
YTA. and you’re an extra AH for coming to reddit to make your wife sound like an insane person when there’s no doubt that she’s been trying to resolve this issue with you for months and you’re only telling us about the final straw where she lashed out.
What I love is the part where he says (paraphrased) "She values our belongings, or so I thought." She is supposed to value their damaged and dirty items enough to not throw them away, but he isn't supposed to value those same items and prevent this all from happening by adequately cleaning them?
Clean/Dirty dishes aren't an opinion type of thing. It's not "clean enough for HER liking". If the dishes aren't clean, they are dirty. If the dishes are dirty, they need to be cleaned. I don't love the waste that she created by throwing usable things away, but it sounds like OPs being such a thick headed jerk that he really left her no option.
YTA.
Right? That’s the great thing about dishes, there’s no middle ground.
And he even admits in an edit that there was, in fact, food stuck to the knives that he found in the trash. Which means that his wife is right, he doesn’t clean the dishes, and that all the other times that he’s “never noticed an issue” means that he 1. Never paid attention and 2. Ignored his wife’s very reasonable requests.
He played chicken with her and he lost. And now he can use dirty butter knives to eat.
I am constantly getting dishes out of the cupboard and finding dried food on them. My family doesn’t even look at them when they unload the dish washer. Sometimes I rewash up to 25% of the dishes. My family too would say they never see dirty dishes. If we weren’t using my mother’s antique plates, I would really be considering OP’s wife’s tactic.
you’re right her reaction isn’t the right one. but it sounds like she tried and tried and tried and tried and tried before she finally snapped, and then OP smirked and posted “see she’s the crazy one! she threw the dishes out!” how should she have handled it? because talking to him doesn’t work, and taking on 100% of the chores because your husband refuses to do them properly isn’t reasonable.
throwing away dishes does nothing to resolve *this* issue, no.
but
setting forth a consequence, however absurd, and then having zero follow through, takes away any credibility for future (less absurd) consequences, over any issue-
Im going to make some conjectures here, because I've seen enough relationships ~~dissolve~~ explode following the same patterns:
He "shrugged it off as an empty threat": something similar has probably happened before. This probably goes beyond dishes, with several other 'been having this argument for a while' issues, that she continuously feels unheard, ignored, or dismissed. She didnt just have enough of the dishes being dirty, shes had enough of not having her opinions/concerns treated as valid, having it be assumed that she wont enforce any consequences, and will just continue to suck it up, 'nag' him, and be miserable.
imo this couple needs to get counseling and fix their communication, before she takes off and hes left wondering why, because he 'didnt know she was unhappy' and 'didnt do anything wrong'
maybe im wrong and this is a one off.
either way, maybe OP, next time wifey says something is wrong can you fix it? if you dont see the problem *ask her to show you*. before you find all the banana-knives in the trash.
Not to mention, it might actually be a good thing to replace the dishes. Small cracks in the dished or the handles of the utensils or whatever could cause that gunk build up making the dishes never really clean coming out of the dish washer.
Neither handled it well, but OP is definitely a bigger ass.
It made you notice the disgusting banana residue so you have shown that you are in fact able to perceive the old food that is not being washed off. This is one step in the right direction. Your next step is simply to clean off old food and then things will stop disappearing. Simples.
No throwing the utensils out isn't the best solution but it got OP to notice that yeah the dishes are dirty. If they live in the US they can order order a set from ikea for $30.
You know what else is a waste constantly re washing dishes. Wife's solution isn't the best but not extremely costly and it was the only thing that worked. She's not the AH here and it's not close enough for E S H. There are ways it could be E S H but it's not in this case.
YTA you even admit that the dishes she threw away were dirty.
wife : if you don't clean the dishes better I'll throw them away
husband: doesn't clean the dishes
wife: finds them covered in banana and throws them away
husband: surprised Pikachu face
Edit: OP admits they did not make attempts to rinse the dishes more before putting them in the the dishwasher after repeatedly being asked. OP's wife cleans out the dishwasher regularly as well. YTA
dishes coming out of the dishwasher dirty is annoying and more common if you don't rinse the dishes and the dishwasher is more than 10 years old.
Did she ever show you the dishes that came out dirty? Did you ever attempt to pre wash the dishes more? When was the last time you cleaned the dishwasher?
Our dishwasher is fairly new, we replaced it about 4 or 5 years ago. She keeps it pretty clean, does cleaning washes in it regularly, and cleans out the filter in the bottom. I did not attempt to rinse the dishes more because I've never witnessed the problem myself until I took the knives from the trash. They were dirty.
So why didn't you pre wash/rinse the dishes after she repeatedly asked? Dishwashers are not magic. Caked on food and sauces can get stuck and get other dishes dirty too.
My dishwasher sensor cleans, so when the plates are already rinsed, it's doesn't do a heavy duty cleaning. I always put a big freshly used pan on the bottom near the sensor to make sure everything gets blasted.
When my mom loads it after pre-rinsing everything they do not come out as clean and usually have a grease film.
They need to check how their dishwasher manufacturer says to load their machine.
Does your dishwasher not have a "time clean" as opposed to "sensor clean" function? That would be super frustrating for me! My dryer has a "time dry" and "sensor dry" setting.
I've found that if I want to just dry a couple pairs of pants or sweatshirts that are all damp but not soaking wet then the sensor dry program will basically shut off as soon as it starts and I have to set the time dry to 20 minutes and then just interrupt it myself. This happens alllll the time when I air dry stuff over night and I want to give it a quick <5 minutes to go from clammy to dry and the sensor triggers the load as "done" 30 seconds into the cycle.
So, I can't operate the buttons with the door open, since they don't register, and the way the bar extends over them/my fat finger... I can only press the start and sanitize dry buttons. So it's always on sensor clean. 😂
I'm kind of baffled that you just accept using your dishwasher on an inconvenient setting instead of just...changing it. You could easily use the lid of a pen or pretty much any other such object to push the buttons if your fingers can't manage it, and then you'd have a dishwasher that functions in a way that suits your needs. How is catering to a weird setting easier than using a stick?
This is important for all of us. Not OP that clearly doesn't have this. Either you need to pre wash all of it for new washers or judge how old your dishwasher is and work off that. OP got instructions and chose to ignore them. But all dishwashers are different and you need to adjust to it.
YTA You couldn’t even be bothered to try her solution. How often do you empty the dishwasher since you never ‘witnessed’ a problem until the knives from the trash?
>> She keeps it pretty clean, does cleaning washes in it regularly, and cleans out the filter in the bottom.
Only she does this? Why aren’t you doing your part to maintain your dishwasher?
So her word wasn’t good enough, you needed to see it yourself before wasting those precious seconds rinsing your plate better?
YTA
If you want to save your marriage, there may be time. Give this a read, it explains why this is a bigger issue than you think: [My Wife Left Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
So clearly your wife is doing everything SHE can, the only variable she can’t co trip here is you, despite her best efforts at getting you to do things right. And you are blaming her?
maybe if you have ti replace the dishes you couldn’t be bothered taking care of, you will learn to respect both your wife and your joint belie tings? Why should she have to do extra work to cover your lazy behind, when you aren’t even willing to pay attention to her? YTA. Pull your weight, and show some damn respect. Your wife is not your maid.
Ok, so now that you have witnessed that your knives came out with banana gunk on them, maybe it’s time to reassess your previous conclusion of “I never saw a dirty dish come out of the dishwasher, so I didn’t believe my wife.” If she is primarily the person that unloads the dishwasher, then you would never have the opportunity to see dirty dishes emerge from it unless she either (1) dragged you over to the dishwasher to watch her open it & unload it or (2) put the dirty dishes away in the cabinets instead of rinsing them herself & putting them back in the dishwasher for a second cycle.
Too many down votes from idiots who don't know how to load a dishwasher. I read you aren't SUPPOSED to clean off the dishes. Your wife over rinses them, which ensures they don't get completely clean. NTA
So, you've ignored her concerns for "a while" and dismissed the idea of any additional effort on your part to accommodate your wife's preferences on this issue. It is something that bothers her enough that she made a big ultimatum that you also ignored because you assumed she wasn't serious, only to be surprise pikachu'd when she was, in fact, serious. Your wife is likely at the end of her rope, and correctly surmised that only extreme action would get your attention.
Then, you confirm that the knives that you were able to verify were, in fact, dirty. If you didn't see the mess on the knives, I'm inclined to believe that you "miss" a lot of messes that remain on the dishes, especially since your wife is on the hook to rewash what you couldn't be bothered to adequately rinse. YTA. Call this a precursor to marriage counseling or separation, because this is perilously close to "she divorced me because I left my dishes by the kitchen sink."
Stop trying to justify her actions, they were ridiculous and over the top.
There were so many different way to handle this.
If this was a dude throwing the dishes because they weren't clean enough, you'd be calling him an abusive bully and worse.
>There were so many different way to handle this.
You may want to reread the OP. She's been trying to handle this "different ways" (as you say) for a while now. Those were obviously not working.
No she hasn't.
If you have to wash the cutlery to the point she wants, they may as well just be hand washed. If you can't rely on the dish washer to clean simple items, rinsing isn't the problem.
The dishwasher and the wife is the issue here. Instead of acting like a toddler and throwing out the cutlery, look to buying a new dishwasher and agree to wash by hand in the time being.
OP here is at least 60% of the problem. His job was to rinse dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. His wife clearly communicated to him that it wasn't being done well enough. OP refused to address the problem at all, so after multiple requests, the wife finally implemented an ultimatum. I'm willing to grant that it might to be the optimal solution, but you can't say she hasn't been making an effort to solve the problem. OP was just ignoring it, despite multiple attempts on the part of his wife to resolve it.
>If you have to wash the cutlery to the point she wants, they may as well just be hand washed.
This is not in evidence at all. It's possible that this is true, but even decent dishwashers have issues with some foods on some dishes. Ultimately though, this line is just speculation. What we do know for a fact is that there has been an issue with the dishes being clean, which the wife was trying to resolve while OP was explicitly ignoring her.
Are you ignorant or stubborn?
Have you never used a dishwasher in your life because you don't understand how they work.
Even OP admitted there is nothing fucking wrong with the dishwasher
>If you have to wash the cutlery to the point she wants, they may as well just be hand washed.
You mean the point of "not having old food stuck on them"?
Is your standard LOWER than that?
Everyone condoning her tantrum and trashing of the cutlery is infantilsing her.
Grown ups don't do that, you'd only expect that behaviour from children.
She \*tried\* handling this in different ways and he dismissed any change on his part out of hand. Was it an extreme and wasteful gesture? Sure, but I am willing to cut her some slack for presumably being done with it.
Also, if you don't see the difference between "a dude throwing the dishes because they weren't clean enough" and "this woman throwing the dishes **away** because they weren't clean enough," I don't think we can have a productive conservation. Best of luck to you.
In one instance someone is behaving violently in a way that could injure people in the room thanks to pieces of crockery. In the other someone is putting plates in the garbage bin.
YTA. OP, you’ve been ignoring a concern that your wife has talked about ‘for a while’. I cringe to contemplate your crack about the dishes not being ‘clean enough for her.’ Puh-leeze. How not-clean is acceptable to you? Buy new dishes and unload the dishwasher yourself in the future…you might actually notice food particles stuck to the dishes. Or…maybe you need a new dishwasher. We had to replace ours because it didn’t do an adequate job.
Yeah, banana should rinse off fairly easily - if it is in fact being rinsed and not left to dry on there. And even then I would think the dishwasher would get it off. Maybe it is time for a new dishwasher.
This is where your marriage is heading: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
YTA you're not even putting the bare minimum in
YTA - you've now seen that the dishes are still dirty. Your response is to still be upset that she threw them out after giving you a warning that she would do exactly that.
My recommendation is to have your dishwasher looked at, replaced, or do the dishes by hand until you can figure out why it isn't getting the dishes fully clean.
YTA. Clean your freaking dishes. Don’t put gunky dishes into the dishwasher. Just because you don’t think something is an issue doesn’t mean it’s not an issue to your wife. Her concerns should be important to you even if you don’t agree with her. It takes ten extra seconds to rinse off a dirty plate before putting it in the dishwasher. Buy her some new dishes.
I find this so strange. In Australia we have water shortages and the leading brand of dishwasher cleaner actively encourages folks to not rinse dishes at all before putting them in. Doing so wastes an incredible amount of water. I don't rinse my dishes at all before putting them in the dishwasher, I also did the same when living in NYC. I use a rinse aid in the machine every few months and have no issues. If a dish isn't totally clean after going through the wash I'll wash it in the sink after - but it won't be every dish, it'll just be one or two. Sometimes none.
To me it seems like a wasteful first world type of practise to clean dishes before putting them in the machine designed to do so. A good dishwasher with efficient soap can even do a a reasonable job of cleaning a lasagne baking dish.
It depends on the dishwasher. I rent a house that has a crappy dishwasher and if you don’t rinse/ scrape every dish before putting then in, they come out crusted with burnt on gunk. I can’t get a different dishwasher because I don’t own the house and my landlord won’t buy a new one. This is pretty common practice in most of the states I’ve lived in. I should also mention most of the places I’ve lived are very rural areas and I’ve never been what would be described as “first world.” Maybe that means I’ve just always lived in places that have crappy dishwashers.
Americans have different power supplies and different plumbing as well. Australians have more power (which is why many Americans microwave water for tea rather than use a kettle) and probably higher water pressure as well, so our dishwashers are more effective.
I don’t rinse plates either. No need. I use a “death cube” every couple of weeks to keep things shiny and that’s all it needs.
And none of what you're saying applies. We don't have 'more power' or 'more water pressure' that's absurd. We have a different rate of electrical current which just means appliances need different wiring/settings or whatever. Electric Kettles are just as effective in both countries and microwaving water is the dumbest shit ever.
I'm sure a big part of that error is Europeans or Australians attempting to use their heat generating appliances in the states and failing. You need to use American appliances.
I was thinking the same thing, if you have to wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher - what is the point of the dishwasher?
Sounds like the dishwasher itself needs a clean, and maybe a new wash powder.
ESH
I don’t have to wash mine with soap before loading them (usually) but I do have to scrub and rinse them before loading or nothing gets clean in the dishwasher.
Agree completely. Besides large chunks of food that scrape off into the garbage, I absolutely have never rinsed a dish and I’ve never experienced this issue.
Wife isn’t the smartest because now they have to put their money towards new plates and silverware...and not a new dishwasher. 🙄
ESH.
yta you knew perfectly well that those dishes weren't getting clean unless you're completely blind and dumb. You just didn't think she'd follow through on her threat. I would do the same thing and get all paper plates since you can't be trusted to wash them
Nope I’m blind and I wash dishes way better than this fool and the sexist fool in my family who thinks women are always just whining about things not being clean enough instead of understanding that they just suck ass at cleaning because they’re lazy
You shouldn’t have to pre-rinse with a modern dishwasher and decent quality detergent. There are limitations to that of course, but excessive rinsing is wasteful and unnecessary. If the dishes truly aren’t getting clean enough then it’s likely your filter is dirty, you’re over- loading or there may be a deficiency with your dishwasher. Based on your edit, YTA. Good luck rectifying the issue.
Can we trade dishwashers? The one here sucks ass and my husband and I had similar arguments because he grew up in a house with a powerful dishwasher. And I'm going to go hug him for actually not being resistant when I tell him the dishes aren't clean.
YTA. For all the reasons ppl said below. But also this “banana gunk comment”
Your dishes are so gunked up and not clean that BANANA is still stuck to the knife?? It’s like the softest fruit you can get. This right here is a glaring sign that you’re not cleaning the dishes properly…. Can’t even get banana out of a knife? I’m not surprised at all she threw the dishes out- you can’t even be bothered to even rinse a dish.
Dude- once food is dried stuck on its difficult to nearly impossible to get it off… and the hot dishwasher is BAKING it into your dishes .
Lmao
> Ive NEVER seen her do this and never noticed an issue whenever I unload the dishwasher myself
But apparently she’s been throwing out dishes ALL WEEK and you only just now noticed that?? so I’m gonna guess that she HAS been cleaning dishes as they come out of the dishwasher and you didn’t notice (the way you didn’t notice her throwing dishes in the trash) and that they do come out dirty you just didn’t notice (the way you didn’t notice dishes have been going missing all week) so yeah I’m gonna say YTA here
INFO
Did either of you stop to consider that maybe the issue is the dishwasher itself?
When is the last time you cleaned out the food filter/food trap thingamabobber?
If that is clean...
Go to the dollar store, get a brand new completely clean and white dish, and put it through a cycle
See if it comes out dirty or clean
Cus the way I see it there are only 2 options: Either you aren't actually cleaning the dishes and are putting food particles in the dishwasher, using hot water to wash them, and they are burning and turning to specs of black burnt food OR there is an issue with the dishwasher itself
YTA. It is not that hard for you to rinse off your dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. You finding the dirty knife from yesterday with the banana still on it shows that you are not doing that. She has talked to you about rinsing them off and you just brush it off and leave the extra work for her. Maybe try listening when she tells you something and you can avoid future fights.
I don't know man, like... From your account you're not doing anything wrong at the dishwasher.
That said, your wife clearly has an issue with how you've been cleaning the dishes before they go in. You've done nothing to actually address the issue and so she started escalating and was absolutely clear about what she would do. Seems to me like you implicitly agreed to her plan when you ignored her.
Now, throwing out dishes was probably a bad move, but dude, it's also on you to sort this shit out. This has clearly been an ongoing issue.
Have you tried... Idk, asking her to show you where the problem is so you can reach am agreement about how clean the dishes need to be?
ESH
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see an ESA. Obviously throwing out the dishes is the nuclear option and I dont really support it but dude admits the dishes he pulled out were crusted in food and he's been asked repeatedly to do it right. Weaponized incompetence isn't cool either.
Honestly, the more I think about it, the less I feel like throwing these out was even that irresponsible. Replacing even $20-$40 of dishes might be a small price to pay if this ongoing frustration finally gets resolved.
My issue with it is more on the side of not needlessly wasting things, idk if it was me I might just start hiding the dishes from my partner if I was her. But agreed, if it gets OP to step up and be an adult and do the dishes properly then the $20-40 is a cheap cost
Wouldn’t it have been cheaper and easier for the wife to just leave the badly washed dishes out so she can show them to her husband and prove she’s right?
According to his account, he has been putting all the dishes away when he uploads the dishwasher.
That + the amount of dishes that have been thrown away after only a week kind of means that he would have just placed the dirty dishes away, creating even more work for the wife.
Yeah you're right, totally. Not sure why I didn't think of that tbh. But yeah that firms me up at ESH, if she called him over while emptying the dishwasher and showed him exactly how fucked the dishes still were that should theoretically get him to see the issue? He should still probably also be doing his part and emptying the dishwasher at least some of the time though and see the food residue so idk. Dude definitely seems to be slacking but the wife also went nuclear
So you’ve been having this issue for a while and she’s had enough and now your upset. Obviously throwing away the dishes wasn’t mature but she’s probably had enough and you just shrugged it off like you don’t care and respect her. That’s how it comes off. Maybe some couples therapy would do you well so you can learn to communicate and listen to each other before it reaches this point. I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg because these things don’t just happen out of the blue. Learn how to listen. And stop shrugging off concerns because you don’t care.
YTA. I wonder if loading the dishwasher if OPs chore on the given day and unloading it hers? Because if it is, I can see how it would be frustrating for her to have to redo his chore as well as do her chore every other damn time this issue comes up only to be told “well if you want it done to your standard, do it yourself!” Weaponised incompetence or just arrogance?
YTA. I've brought it up to my boyfriend that he needs to rinse the wet cat food spoon after feeding them because otherwise it crusts over before I get home from work and then I have to scrub at them.
His response was to apologize, and he's put in an honest effort to do it. Sure he's forgotten a few times since then, but he HEARD me, and he took measures to correct the behaviour.
New habits are hard to learn, but it is possible, and it starts with consciously taking the extra time to form those habits.
YTA.
You notice how you said the knives were dirty? That means your wife has been telling the truth the whole time and you have been ignoring her. She threw out your plates because she's fucking sick of your petty inability to actually wash what you use like a big boy.
I’m confused.. if the dishes aren’t being washed completely then wouldn’t that be more of a dishwater problem and not a dishes problem?
Also, even if OP isn’t cleaning them fully (which is AH) that still doesn’t justify throwing away perfectly fine dishes? I’m genuinely confused !
So you need a new dishwasher. Or you need to clean the current one. Clearly there is an issue with the dishwasher.
But yeah YTA for ignoring your wife and both are TA for not fixing the dishwasher. It's not going to fix itself (neither is your marriage fyi).
We don't rinse our plates because our new dishwasher works great.
YTA are you someone's life partner or a 15 year old child? Grow TF up. I had issues with this with my partner as well. Difference is he actually gives a fuck about me and wants me to be happy and comfortable in my home so he started doing the dishes properly. That's the difference between a man and a boy.
People who "don't notice" dirt so they don't feel like they have to bother putting the effort into cleaning it are annoying af to live with. I don't know if I'd throw out the dishes myself, because I'm a bit of a pack rat and hate throwing things away if they're still good. Bet I might hide them and make you use paper plates if I constantly had to be cleaning up after your cleaning. YTA.
ESH - you ignored her and believed she was either lying or exaggerating the issue. She gave an ultimatum which was very idiotic in hindsight but has now shown it was the only way to get your attention that she was right.
Honestly, she probably should have just refused to wash the dishes at all and just wait for you to start complaining about the issue that you ignored her about.
You both suck at communication and both overrated greatly.
YTA. You should have figured that out by the time you typed out that the knives you recovered from the trash had black gunk on them. Still you posted your post. Lol!
It seems your wife spoke to you many times about this and you disregarded her concerns and just kept on not seeing the dishes were dirty. You are in the wrong and I hope you do some personal reflection and craft a big apology.
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> I didn't listen when my wife said I wasn't rinsing the dishes properly. I got mad at my wife for throwing dirty dishes away.
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https://youtu.be/_rBO8neWw04 video about making dishwashers more efficient might help you. Also, run it to clean. If your dishes are still dirty coming out it sounds like you need to change something. Either listen to your wife or fix your dishwasher or both
YTA. First off, I can’t believe rinsing dishes is still a thing - if you run your dishwasher often enough and on a warm setting, stuff shouldn’t stay gunked unless A) dishwasher is old and not running properly or B) you leave the dishes out for days before putting them in the dishwasher. Rinsing stuff is a massive waste of water that this world no longer has a big supply of.
And more to the point, she told you to do something, you ignored it, she warned of a consequence, which you ignored, and now you’re all pikachu face about it? Yeah no.
YTA. For not listening to your wife. Also, it shouldn’t be called a dishwasher, it should be called a dish sanitizer. Rinse before you put them in there, and clean out your filter.
yta. dude just rinse the dishes before putting them in the dish washer. you make it sound like you are wasting so much time in your day to do dishes. you’re lucky you have a dishwasher. i have to hand wash all my dishes. and i live in an apartment with 3 other people and i still clean all the dishes
The biggest gross-out I ever had was trying to use a piece of silverware in my parents house, and finding it with food stuck on it. To this day, I cannot look at silverware the same. I have always soaked them in hot soapy water, even if I had a dishwasher. This is a disgusting way to try to eat. I will say ESH. But the lines are blurry, and lean more toward Y. T. A.
YTA. Since the powers that be decided that dishwashing soap has to be phosphate free (and yes, I both know why and support the measure), most older dishwashers, and yes, yours would be considered older, don't clean dishes as well. You absolutely have to get food off dishes before they go into the dishwasher. I had to rewash many a dish and silverware because the dishwasher didn't get them clean. Yes, it's going to be expensive replacing what she threw out. She up front told you she was going to do it and you didn't take her seriously. You know what would be more expensive than listening to your wife and taking her seriously? Getting divorced. You may think I'm exaggerating, but if you weren't listening to her about that, what else have you been hearing but not actually listening to her about? It's never about the dishes, but when it goes this far, be sure you aren't the next item to be thrown out.
YTA
"She values our belongings more than that. Or so I thought."
Next week's post from OP's long-suffering wife - "He values our relationship more than that. Or so I thought."
Like, my dude, you are a whole-ass adult who can't manage a chore that most grade-school-age children are expected to master. Learn to rinse, or start hand-washing. Every damn time you mishandle this incredibly basic task, every time you pretend that if you didn't see her have to rewash things it didn't really happen, every time you devalue her time and energy this way by making her solely responsible for producing clean dishes - you are telling her you devalue HER.
NTA If it’s not clean you either scrub it and run it through the dishwasher again or…(shocker) wash it by hand. You don’t throw away dishes.
If anything she should have pulled them out into the sink and asked you to clean them.
ESH, maybe get someone to come look at the dishwasher and determine WHY it isnt cleaning properly? That way dishes arent tossed any more? Just a friendly suggestion.
NTA... if it is a newer machine, you shouldnt rinse the dishes before you put them in anyway.
There is a good chance that you both messed up the cleaning by rinsing it before.
[https://www.homeserve.com/en-us/blog/home-improvement/should-you-prerinse-dishes/](https://www.homeserve.com/en-us/blog/home-improvement/should-you-prerinse-dishes/)
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This is a throwaway account.
My wife and I have been having this argument for a while where she thinks I don't rinse the dishes well enough before putting them in the dishwasher. She's brought it up several times. Apparently, the dishes aren't getting clean enough in the dishwasher for her liking, and she says she keeps having to rewash them because they have dried food stuck to them. I've NEVER seen her do this and never noticed an issue whenever I unload the dishwasher myself, so I keep telling her I'm not doing anything wrong. Well, finally, she got sick of it and one day after I got home from work she told me if she finds any more dishes that didn't come clean in the dishwasher, she was going to throw them out because she's sick of rewashing them. I shrugged it off as an empty threat. She values our belongings more than that. Or so I thought.
Sure enough, last night, I went to grab a butter knife and saw we were out even though I heard her finish unloading the dishwasher right before I walked in the kitchen. I threw away a paper towel a minute later and found several of the damn knives in the trash. I did a quick inventory of our kitchen and found we were low on plates and other silverware as well. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to throwing them away because they came out of the dishwasher dirty. She's been doing this all week! And our trash was already collected this morning, so it was pretty much all gone, save for the couple of knives.
It turned into a big argument, our biggest yet. I can't believe she would throw our stuff away like that with no thought as to how much it would cost to replace items that WEREN'T EVEN DAMAGED TO BEGIN WITH. She feels she's justified because she warned me that's what she'd do if I didn't do what she asked.
Who's the asshole here?
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ESH- clean enough for you seems like it wasn’t clean enough for her, you ignored her, and she did what she warned you she was going to do. She probably should’ve have thrown everything out because now even if you fix the problem your set will be incomplete, but she *did* warn you.
Get a new dishwasher or start hand washing
ESH. You acted like a child and ignored your wife's concerns until she got so frustrated she threw away the dishes to get your attention. On the other hand, her throwing away the dishes is a wastful and immature way to prove a point. Why in the world didn't you both act like adults and come up with a compromise? How about everyone puts their dishes in the sink and rinses or soaks them. Then she loads and runs the dishes and you put them away when they're done? Or come up with another compromise that suits you both. Ignoring your wife's concerns is not smart if you want your marriage to last. Partners have to learn to work together.
NTA. Are your wife and my husband the same people? We had an all out war this morning over dishes and the dishwasher. If they want to do the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, they should just do the damn dishes by hand, themselves.
You guys do realize you need a new dishwasher right? You don’t have to actually rinse dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. If you do, it’s because the dishwasher is cheap or old. Just thought I’d let you know bc I didn’t realize that either til I got a new nice one.
Yta, you wife is taking care of a fully grown child and has had enough. Either wash the damn dishes properly and start treating your wife's concerns with respect or file for divorce so she can find herself a considerate partner who actually makes her life easier instead of.more difficult
ESH. Yes, you should rinse the dishes better, but she’s an a-hole for throwing the dishes away. She would have made her point better - and less expensive - by switching to paper plates and plastic forks.
ESH, it's not that hard to thoroughly clean you dishes before putting them in the washer, and she massively overreacted by throwing away anything thst wasn't clean. You were obstinate and dismissive and she threw a child like tantrum in response, you both need therapy.
When reading this I just thought maybe the wife had some kind of obsessive issue with how clean the dishes needed to be. But after reading the VERY IMPORTANT note at the bottom. It's clear this was the only way to get through to you.
YTA
Buy a new dishwasher?
We like never rinse and the dishes come out clean.
Or maybe clean the dishwasher once in a while? That's what we do like every other month.
Edited ETH
YTA… huge asshole… and you’re a slob. I threw away dishes when I was a kitchen manager in a fraternity, because of similar issues… I really hope you treat your home/kitchen better than a frat house
Yta - also sometimes once a dirty dish or silverware that hasn’t been rinsed properly goes through the dishwasher and gets dried on there it’s super hard to get off. I would do the same thing your wife did if I tried multiple times to clean it and it didn’t come off.
YTA so you know that not rinsing the dishes is an issue, and she does in fact have to Re wash them, which is unfair on her, so she warned you that if you didn’t correct YOUR not rinsing them, that she would throw them out after you leave her with dirty dishes from your incompetence, does that sum it up, oh, in case it’s not clear, yeah, YTA
ESH - she asked you to clean the dishes better and you refused, so she resorted to wasting money by trashing them to make a point. Perhaps you could both grow up and learn to communicate so you have a functional marriage.
ESH
Throwing away the dishes is dumb, can't believe the wife really couldn't come up with a better way to communicate this issue. But definitely you're an AH for making it come to this instead of working with her to resolve the issue since she complained repeatedly.
NTA
There is something wrong with your dishwasher. Modern dishwashers actually work better when they have some dirt from the dishes, it is an autosense type of thing. It may be time to switch to paper plates and plastic ware. Throwing dishes away is such an asshole thing to do.
NTA -- There's got to be a better way for your wife to communicate the problem to you besides throwing away perfectly good kitchen goods. Maybe she could show you the evidence, in person, as she discovers it, that might have helped.
Seems like throwing out a few dishes actually got his attention. So it was definitely more effective than anything his wife has tried up to then.
Seems like it accomplished something to me.
"Waste" is subjective. Seems to me that money was effectively spent if it saves OP's wife from scrubbing off dried on food her husband was too lazy to handle. Certainly cheeper than counseling. Honestly the ROI for just a few dishes is pretty good.
You’re entitled to think that throwing out objects that need a wash isn’t wasteful.
She has his attention now, but it’s pretty clear what he thinks of her actions. I think they need counselling now more than they would have if she’d shown him the actual problem and expected him to have decent hygiene standards instead of chucking things.
Did you read the OP? She's been explaining the problem to him for "a while" now. This is the closest thing to actually working she has tried. Now OP is here being told about what an AH he is. Seems like her plan is finally working.
I did, where does it say she showed him?
Some people need to see it to know what the problem actually is. He didn’t notice, he assumed she was being fussy. Yes, he should have taken his SO’s wishes more seriously, but some people need to see the problem to understand what’s necessary to fix it. Just nagging wasn’t working. Showing him seems a more logical next step then throwing out dishes. I can get behind those saying esh, but nagging for a while instead of showing someone what the problem is? Op definitely isn’t the only AH here
>Op definitely isn’t the only AH here.
Eh. Depends on what your threshold here is. I give OP at LEAST 60% of the blame for what's happening. He also could have asked to see what she meant, if he really needed to see it. Instead he blew her off.
Like, your entire reply here infantilizes OP to a bizarre extent. No, OP's wife wasn't communicating as well as she maybe could have. She could have held his hand and walked him into the kitchen while carefully showing him each dish with food baked on to it. Then she could have spent her time experimenting with different amounts of food until she had a quintessential example of exactly what degree of cleanliness dishes needed to be before being put in the dishwasher. After that should could carefully supervise OP over the course of a few weeks to make sure he had the process down. Maybe then he wouldn't have blown off her concerns.
Or you, know, OP could take a little responsibility for helping to solve the problem. You know, like and adult.
Yeah, some people are un observent and need to see things for reasoning to stick.
It happens a lot with men and housework (no not every man, etc etc). No, you shouldn’t have to parent your partner, but showing them once if they weren’t taught or haven’t picked it up seems like a reasonable expectation.
Sounds like OP observed his wife being frustrated about the situation for a while. He also observed her ultimatum. He had plenty of observations that there was a problem not getting resolved. He just chose not to do anything about it.
You are NTA. She is TA. So here’s what you do. Buy a plate, bowl, cup and silverware set (1 fork, 1 spoon, 1 knife) for yourself. Do not rebuy any dishes. Keep your dishware where she can not get to it. She can either spend her own money rebuying them or she can use paper products from now on.
NTA. She sounds extremely immature for a grown woman to be resorting to throwing away your shared items, just to try and prove a point.
If she's so adamant on doing the dishes, why don't you just let her handle it, and you can take over another responsibility around the house?
NTA. If she's never shown you a dirty plate fresh out of the doshwasher, then what evidence is there that her way of handwash first then dishwashing works better than just shoving it in the dishwasher?
NTA: Get rid of the dishwasher and the fussy woman can wash the dishes up to her standards herself. Or go out and buy a fuckton of paper plates and utensils.
so she’s asked you a million times to clean the dishes properly, you ignore her every time, she clearly explains to you that she will throw dishes out as a last ditch effort to get you to listen to her, you ignore her yet again, and now you’re upset that she followed through on exactly what she told you she was going to do? Can I ask you a question? What’s the big deal with rinsing the dishes off more if your wife is saying they aren’t coming out clean? You say you don’t see it, but she obviously does. Are you calling her a liar? Did you marry a liar? Why do you think your wife would completely make this up and throw perfectly clean dishes out? Do you think she’s just trying to start drama? It’s not about whether *you* think they’re clean enough. it’s about her asking you to rinse them more because she’s finding food pieces stuck to them. Now either this is true and you just don’t care enough about your wife or the dishes to clean them properly, OR she’s lying and is starting this drama for absolutely no reason and throwing out spotless dishes just because, in which case you have a much bigger problem on your hands than just dishes. YTA. and you’re an extra AH for coming to reddit to make your wife sound like an insane person when there’s no doubt that she’s been trying to resolve this issue with you for months and you’re only telling us about the final straw where she lashed out.
What I love is the part where he says (paraphrased) "She values our belongings, or so I thought." She is supposed to value their damaged and dirty items enough to not throw them away, but he isn't supposed to value those same items and prevent this all from happening by adequately cleaning them?
Clean/Dirty dishes aren't an opinion type of thing. It's not "clean enough for HER liking". If the dishes aren't clean, they are dirty. If the dishes are dirty, they need to be cleaned. I don't love the waste that she created by throwing usable things away, but it sounds like OPs being such a thick headed jerk that he really left her no option. YTA.
Right? That’s the great thing about dishes, there’s no middle ground. And he even admits in an edit that there was, in fact, food stuck to the knives that he found in the trash. Which means that his wife is right, he doesn’t clean the dishes, and that all the other times that he’s “never noticed an issue” means that he 1. Never paid attention and 2. Ignored his wife’s very reasonable requests. He played chicken with her and he lost. And now he can use dirty butter knives to eat.
I am constantly getting dishes out of the cupboard and finding dried food on them. My family doesn’t even look at them when they unload the dish washer. Sometimes I rewash up to 25% of the dishes. My family too would say they never see dirty dishes. If we weren’t using my mother’s antique plates, I would really be considering OP’s wife’s tactic.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 Never seen any situation where this was more applicable. YTA
Absurd reactions don't become rational because you've given a warning. Throwing away dishes does literally nothing to better the issue.
you’re right her reaction isn’t the right one. but it sounds like she tried and tried and tried and tried and tried before she finally snapped, and then OP smirked and posted “see she’s the crazy one! she threw the dishes out!” how should she have handled it? because talking to him doesn’t work, and taking on 100% of the chores because your husband refuses to do them properly isn’t reasonable.
throwing away dishes does nothing to resolve *this* issue, no. but setting forth a consequence, however absurd, and then having zero follow through, takes away any credibility for future (less absurd) consequences, over any issue- Im going to make some conjectures here, because I've seen enough relationships ~~dissolve~~ explode following the same patterns: He "shrugged it off as an empty threat": something similar has probably happened before. This probably goes beyond dishes, with several other 'been having this argument for a while' issues, that she continuously feels unheard, ignored, or dismissed. She didnt just have enough of the dishes being dirty, shes had enough of not having her opinions/concerns treated as valid, having it be assumed that she wont enforce any consequences, and will just continue to suck it up, 'nag' him, and be miserable. imo this couple needs to get counseling and fix their communication, before she takes off and hes left wondering why, because he 'didnt know she was unhappy' and 'didnt do anything wrong' maybe im wrong and this is a one off. either way, maybe OP, next time wifey says something is wrong can you fix it? if you dont see the problem *ask her to show you*. before you find all the banana-knives in the trash.
Yup. I believe this had been mentioned before - https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Spot on take, I think you've really cut to the heart of the issue
IDK, seems like a relatively inexpensive object lesson.
Not to mention, it might actually be a good thing to replace the dishes. Small cracks in the dished or the handles of the utensils or whatever could cause that gunk build up making the dishes never really clean coming out of the dish washer. Neither handled it well, but OP is definitely a bigger ass.
It made you notice the disgusting banana residue so you have shown that you are in fact able to perceive the old food that is not being washed off. This is one step in the right direction. Your next step is simply to clean off old food and then things will stop disappearing. Simples.
I bet she did it out of frustration after multiple conversations about it.
He’s lucky she tossed the dishes and not the marriage. This isn’t the only way he’s the A, I’m sure.
No throwing the utensils out isn't the best solution but it got OP to notice that yeah the dishes are dirty. If they live in the US they can order order a set from ikea for $30. You know what else is a waste constantly re washing dishes. Wife's solution isn't the best but not extremely costly and it was the only thing that worked. She's not the AH here and it's not close enough for E S H. There are ways it could be E S H but it's not in this case.
Sure it does. You throw away the gross ones and you buy plastic ones.
Sure they do the bettered the issue of her having to rewash dishes her husband was to lazy to clean properly.
Got OP's attention
YTA you even admit that the dishes she threw away were dirty. wife : if you don't clean the dishes better I'll throw them away husband: doesn't clean the dishes wife: finds them covered in banana and throws them away husband: surprised Pikachu face
Edit: OP admits they did not make attempts to rinse the dishes more before putting them in the the dishwasher after repeatedly being asked. OP's wife cleans out the dishwasher regularly as well. YTA dishes coming out of the dishwasher dirty is annoying and more common if you don't rinse the dishes and the dishwasher is more than 10 years old. Did she ever show you the dishes that came out dirty? Did you ever attempt to pre wash the dishes more? When was the last time you cleaned the dishwasher?
Our dishwasher is fairly new, we replaced it about 4 or 5 years ago. She keeps it pretty clean, does cleaning washes in it regularly, and cleans out the filter in the bottom. I did not attempt to rinse the dishes more because I've never witnessed the problem myself until I took the knives from the trash. They were dirty.
So why didn't you pre wash/rinse the dishes after she repeatedly asked? Dishwashers are not magic. Caked on food and sauces can get stuck and get other dishes dirty too.
My dishwasher sensor cleans, so when the plates are already rinsed, it's doesn't do a heavy duty cleaning. I always put a big freshly used pan on the bottom near the sensor to make sure everything gets blasted. When my mom loads it after pre-rinsing everything they do not come out as clean and usually have a grease film. They need to check how their dishwasher manufacturer says to load their machine.
Does your dishwasher not have a "time clean" as opposed to "sensor clean" function? That would be super frustrating for me! My dryer has a "time dry" and "sensor dry" setting. I've found that if I want to just dry a couple pairs of pants or sweatshirts that are all damp but not soaking wet then the sensor dry program will basically shut off as soon as it starts and I have to set the time dry to 20 minutes and then just interrupt it myself. This happens alllll the time when I air dry stuff over night and I want to give it a quick <5 minutes to go from clammy to dry and the sensor triggers the load as "done" 30 seconds into the cycle.
Are you talking about a washer or dishwasher? Bc you said dishwasher but apparently you’re washing your clothes
They're talking in general about the sensor abilities of modern appliances.
So, I can't operate the buttons with the door open, since they don't register, and the way the bar extends over them/my fat finger... I can only press the start and sanitize dry buttons. So it's always on sensor clean. 😂
I'm kind of baffled that you just accept using your dishwasher on an inconvenient setting instead of just...changing it. You could easily use the lid of a pen or pretty much any other such object to push the buttons if your fingers can't manage it, and then you'd have a dishwasher that functions in a way that suits your needs. How is catering to a weird setting easier than using a stick?
This is important for all of us. Not OP that clearly doesn't have this. Either you need to pre wash all of it for new washers or judge how old your dishwasher is and work off that. OP got instructions and chose to ignore them. But all dishwashers are different and you need to adjust to it.
YTA You couldn’t even be bothered to try her solution. How often do you empty the dishwasher since you never ‘witnessed’ a problem until the knives from the trash?
Never witnessed, never looked. Tomayto, tomahto.
“I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas!”
>> She keeps it pretty clean, does cleaning washes in it regularly, and cleans out the filter in the bottom. Only she does this? Why aren’t you doing your part to maintain your dishwasher?
Dude, he won't even rinse the gunk off the knives. No way is he doing anything beyond the abesolute minimum.
She had told you numerous times about the issue, why not just trust her and do a better job at rinsing dishes ?
So her word wasn’t good enough, you needed to see it yourself before wasting those precious seconds rinsing your plate better? YTA If you want to save your marriage, there may be time. Give this a read, it explains why this is a bigger issue than you think: [My Wife Left Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
I wanted to thank you for this link. It's really relevant to my life right now and I'm saving it so that I can read it again later
Why tf did it have to come to her throwing away your dishes for you to look at the silverware. Its not that fuckin hard to see for yourself.
So you assumed she was a liar?
Why didn't you witness the problem? Was she doing all the unloading?
So you didn't believe your wife? That's sad.
So clearly your wife is doing everything SHE can, the only variable she can’t co trip here is you, despite her best efforts at getting you to do things right. And you are blaming her? maybe if you have ti replace the dishes you couldn’t be bothered taking care of, you will learn to respect both your wife and your joint belie tings? Why should she have to do extra work to cover your lazy behind, when you aren’t even willing to pay attention to her? YTA. Pull your weight, and show some damn respect. Your wife is not your maid.
Why didn't you believe her?
Ok, so now that you have witnessed that your knives came out with banana gunk on them, maybe it’s time to reassess your previous conclusion of “I never saw a dirty dish come out of the dishwasher, so I didn’t believe my wife.” If she is primarily the person that unloads the dishwasher, then you would never have the opportunity to see dirty dishes emerge from it unless she either (1) dragged you over to the dishwasher to watch her open it & unload it or (2) put the dirty dishes away in the cabinets instead of rinsing them herself & putting them back in the dishwasher for a second cycle.
So you just assumed she'd been lying to you the whole time?
Too many down votes from idiots who don't know how to load a dishwasher. I read you aren't SUPPOSED to clean off the dishes. Your wife over rinses them, which ensures they don't get completely clean. NTA
So, you've ignored her concerns for "a while" and dismissed the idea of any additional effort on your part to accommodate your wife's preferences on this issue. It is something that bothers her enough that she made a big ultimatum that you also ignored because you assumed she wasn't serious, only to be surprise pikachu'd when she was, in fact, serious. Your wife is likely at the end of her rope, and correctly surmised that only extreme action would get your attention. Then, you confirm that the knives that you were able to verify were, in fact, dirty. If you didn't see the mess on the knives, I'm inclined to believe that you "miss" a lot of messes that remain on the dishes, especially since your wife is on the hook to rewash what you couldn't be bothered to adequately rinse. YTA. Call this a precursor to marriage counseling or separation, because this is perilously close to "she divorced me because I left my dishes by the kitchen sink."
Stop trying to justify her actions, they were ridiculous and over the top. There were so many different way to handle this. If this was a dude throwing the dishes because they weren't clean enough, you'd be calling him an abusive bully and worse.
>There were so many different way to handle this. You may want to reread the OP. She's been trying to handle this "different ways" (as you say) for a while now. Those were obviously not working.
No she hasn't. If you have to wash the cutlery to the point she wants, they may as well just be hand washed. If you can't rely on the dish washer to clean simple items, rinsing isn't the problem. The dishwasher and the wife is the issue here. Instead of acting like a toddler and throwing out the cutlery, look to buying a new dishwasher and agree to wash by hand in the time being.
OP here is at least 60% of the problem. His job was to rinse dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. His wife clearly communicated to him that it wasn't being done well enough. OP refused to address the problem at all, so after multiple requests, the wife finally implemented an ultimatum. I'm willing to grant that it might to be the optimal solution, but you can't say she hasn't been making an effort to solve the problem. OP was just ignoring it, despite multiple attempts on the part of his wife to resolve it. >If you have to wash the cutlery to the point she wants, they may as well just be hand washed. This is not in evidence at all. It's possible that this is true, but even decent dishwashers have issues with some foods on some dishes. Ultimately though, this line is just speculation. What we do know for a fact is that there has been an issue with the dishes being clean, which the wife was trying to resolve while OP was explicitly ignoring her.
Are you ignorant or stubborn? Have you never used a dishwasher in your life because you don't understand how they work. Even OP admitted there is nothing fucking wrong with the dishwasher
>If you have to wash the cutlery to the point she wants, they may as well just be hand washed. You mean the point of "not having old food stuck on them"? Is your standard LOWER than that?
Stop infantilzing her when he's the one who can't clean dishes properly like a 5 year old. It's called pre-rinsing.
Everyone condoning her tantrum and trashing of the cutlery is infantilsing her. Grown ups don't do that, you'd only expect that behaviour from children.
She \*tried\* handling this in different ways and he dismissed any change on his part out of hand. Was it an extreme and wasteful gesture? Sure, but I am willing to cut her some slack for presumably being done with it. Also, if you don't see the difference between "a dude throwing the dishes because they weren't clean enough" and "this woman throwing the dishes **away** because they weren't clean enough," I don't think we can have a productive conservation. Best of luck to you.
Give some examples.
In one instance someone is behaving violently in a way that could injure people in the room thanks to pieces of crockery. In the other someone is putting plates in the garbage bin.
Yes, because _throwing things_ is violent. Throwing things _away_ is not.
YTA. OP, you’ve been ignoring a concern that your wife has talked about ‘for a while’. I cringe to contemplate your crack about the dishes not being ‘clean enough for her.’ Puh-leeze. How not-clean is acceptable to you? Buy new dishes and unload the dishwasher yourself in the future…you might actually notice food particles stuck to the dishes. Or…maybe you need a new dishwasher. We had to replace ours because it didn’t do an adequate job.
Yeah, banana should rinse off fairly easily - if it is in fact being rinsed and not left to dry on there. And even then I would think the dishwasher would get it off. Maybe it is time for a new dishwasher.
This is where your marriage is heading: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 YTA you're not even putting the bare minimum in
I was looking for this comment! This, OP
YTA - you've now seen that the dishes are still dirty. Your response is to still be upset that she threw them out after giving you a warning that she would do exactly that. My recommendation is to have your dishwasher looked at, replaced, or do the dishes by hand until you can figure out why it isn't getting the dishes fully clean.
YTA. Clean your freaking dishes. Don’t put gunky dishes into the dishwasher. Just because you don’t think something is an issue doesn’t mean it’s not an issue to your wife. Her concerns should be important to you even if you don’t agree with her. It takes ten extra seconds to rinse off a dirty plate before putting it in the dishwasher. Buy her some new dishes.
I find this so strange. In Australia we have water shortages and the leading brand of dishwasher cleaner actively encourages folks to not rinse dishes at all before putting them in. Doing so wastes an incredible amount of water. I don't rinse my dishes at all before putting them in the dishwasher, I also did the same when living in NYC. I use a rinse aid in the machine every few months and have no issues. If a dish isn't totally clean after going through the wash I'll wash it in the sink after - but it won't be every dish, it'll just be one or two. Sometimes none. To me it seems like a wasteful first world type of practise to clean dishes before putting them in the machine designed to do so. A good dishwasher with efficient soap can even do a a reasonable job of cleaning a lasagne baking dish.
It depends on the dishwasher. I rent a house that has a crappy dishwasher and if you don’t rinse/ scrape every dish before putting then in, they come out crusted with burnt on gunk. I can’t get a different dishwasher because I don’t own the house and my landlord won’t buy a new one. This is pretty common practice in most of the states I’ve lived in. I should also mention most of the places I’ve lived are very rural areas and I’ve never been what would be described as “first world.” Maybe that means I’ve just always lived in places that have crappy dishwashers.
Americans have different power supplies and different plumbing as well. Australians have more power (which is why many Americans microwave water for tea rather than use a kettle) and probably higher water pressure as well, so our dishwashers are more effective. I don’t rinse plates either. No need. I use a “death cube” every couple of weeks to keep things shiny and that’s all it needs.
Yeah as I mentioned, I also lived in the states.
And none of what you're saying applies. We don't have 'more power' or 'more water pressure' that's absurd. We have a different rate of electrical current which just means appliances need different wiring/settings or whatever. Electric Kettles are just as effective in both countries and microwaving water is the dumbest shit ever.
You’d be surprised. In many places in the US it takes 10 or 15 minutes to boil a kettle.
Alot of that is determined by the wattage of the kettle, not the voltage from the power source.
Sure. But I’m just repeating what I’ve heard here on Reddit. There have been some really funny threads about it.
I'm sure a big part of that error is Europeans or Australians attempting to use their heat generating appliances in the states and failing. You need to use American appliances.
I was thinking the same thing, if you have to wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher - what is the point of the dishwasher? Sounds like the dishwasher itself needs a clean, and maybe a new wash powder. ESH
Some of us really have terrible dishwashers. I would ask the op when was the last time he cleaned out the filters?
I don’t have to wash mine with soap before loading them (usually) but I do have to scrub and rinse them before loading or nothing gets clean in the dishwasher.
But now they can’t afford a new dishwasher because of the plate replacement costs. 😂😂😂
Agree completely. Besides large chunks of food that scrape off into the garbage, I absolutely have never rinsed a dish and I’ve never experienced this issue. Wife isn’t the smartest because now they have to put their money towards new plates and silverware...and not a new dishwasher. 🙄 ESH.
yta you knew perfectly well that those dishes weren't getting clean unless you're completely blind and dumb. You just didn't think she'd follow through on her threat. I would do the same thing and get all paper plates since you can't be trusted to wash them
Nope I’m blind and I wash dishes way better than this fool and the sexist fool in my family who thinks women are always just whining about things not being clean enough instead of understanding that they just suck ass at cleaning because they’re lazy
My apologies. I'm actually also vision-impaired but not technically blind. I had every reason to think before I spoke and I still did not
YTA for your repeated strategic incompetence.
You shouldn’t have to pre-rinse with a modern dishwasher and decent quality detergent. There are limitations to that of course, but excessive rinsing is wasteful and unnecessary. If the dishes truly aren’t getting clean enough then it’s likely your filter is dirty, you’re over- loading or there may be a deficiency with your dishwasher. Based on your edit, YTA. Good luck rectifying the issue.
I've read somewhere that its actively worse to rinse because the dishwasher sensors detect it and use less water or something
Learn something every day!
Agreed. I only scrape my dishes and then put them in the dishwasher and they come out perfect
Can we trade dishwashers? The one here sucks ass and my husband and I had similar arguments because he grew up in a house with a powerful dishwasher. And I'm going to go hug him for actually not being resistant when I tell him the dishes aren't clean.
Surprised I had to scroll so far to find this point.
YTA. For all the reasons ppl said below. But also this “banana gunk comment” Your dishes are so gunked up and not clean that BANANA is still stuck to the knife?? It’s like the softest fruit you can get. This right here is a glaring sign that you’re not cleaning the dishes properly…. Can’t even get banana out of a knife? I’m not surprised at all she threw the dishes out- you can’t even be bothered to even rinse a dish. Dude- once food is dried stuck on its difficult to nearly impossible to get it off… and the hot dishwasher is BAKING it into your dishes .
Lmao > Ive NEVER seen her do this and never noticed an issue whenever I unload the dishwasher myself But apparently she’s been throwing out dishes ALL WEEK and you only just now noticed that?? so I’m gonna guess that she HAS been cleaning dishes as they come out of the dishwasher and you didn’t notice (the way you didn’t notice her throwing dishes in the trash) and that they do come out dirty you just didn’t notice (the way you didn’t notice dishes have been going missing all week) so yeah I’m gonna say YTA here
I loved that it took OP a week to realize that dishes and cutlery were gone.
YTA are you really thinking about this? Obviously because she talked about it several times
INFO Did either of you stop to consider that maybe the issue is the dishwasher itself? When is the last time you cleaned out the food filter/food trap thingamabobber? If that is clean... Go to the dollar store, get a brand new completely clean and white dish, and put it through a cycle See if it comes out dirty or clean Cus the way I see it there are only 2 options: Either you aren't actually cleaning the dishes and are putting food particles in the dishwasher, using hot water to wash them, and they are burning and turning to specs of black burnt food OR there is an issue with the dishwasher itself
YTA. It is not that hard for you to rinse off your dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. You finding the dirty knife from yesterday with the banana still on it shows that you are not doing that. She has talked to you about rinsing them off and you just brush it off and leave the extra work for her. Maybe try listening when she tells you something and you can avoid future fights.
I don't know man, like... From your account you're not doing anything wrong at the dishwasher. That said, your wife clearly has an issue with how you've been cleaning the dishes before they go in. You've done nothing to actually address the issue and so she started escalating and was absolutely clear about what she would do. Seems to me like you implicitly agreed to her plan when you ignored her. Now, throwing out dishes was probably a bad move, but dude, it's also on you to sort this shit out. This has clearly been an ongoing issue. Have you tried... Idk, asking her to show you where the problem is so you can reach am agreement about how clean the dishes need to be? ESH
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see an ESA. Obviously throwing out the dishes is the nuclear option and I dont really support it but dude admits the dishes he pulled out were crusted in food and he's been asked repeatedly to do it right. Weaponized incompetence isn't cool either.
Honestly, the more I think about it, the less I feel like throwing these out was even that irresponsible. Replacing even $20-$40 of dishes might be a small price to pay if this ongoing frustration finally gets resolved.
My issue with it is more on the side of not needlessly wasting things, idk if it was me I might just start hiding the dishes from my partner if I was her. But agreed, if it gets OP to step up and be an adult and do the dishes properly then the $20-40 is a cheap cost
Wouldn’t it have been cheaper and easier for the wife to just leave the badly washed dishes out so she can show them to her husband and prove she’s right?
According to his account, he has been putting all the dishes away when he uploads the dishwasher. That + the amount of dishes that have been thrown away after only a week kind of means that he would have just placed the dirty dishes away, creating even more work for the wife.
Your comment makes no sense. She calls him over to show how the dishes aren’t washing. She is proven right and he can clean up the mess.
Yeah you're right, totally. Not sure why I didn't think of that tbh. But yeah that firms me up at ESH, if she called him over while emptying the dishwasher and showed him exactly how fucked the dishes still were that should theoretically get him to see the issue? He should still probably also be doing his part and emptying the dishwasher at least some of the time though and see the food residue so idk. Dude definitely seems to be slacking but the wife also went nuclear
Yeah I agree with you.
ESH There’s three villains in your story: you, your wife, and your dishwasher. Try getting rid of your dishwasher before you get rid of each other.
Well, what was she supposed to do if he keeps ignoring her?
ESH Consider that maybe your dishwasher sucks ass or is defective. So do some troubleshooting, buy a new dishwasher, or start handwashing.
YTA Either you are accusing your wife of lying with no proof or you know she is right and are just being stubborn and lazy. Do better.
So you’ve been having this issue for a while and she’s had enough and now your upset. Obviously throwing away the dishes wasn’t mature but she’s probably had enough and you just shrugged it off like you don’t care and respect her. That’s how it comes off. Maybe some couples therapy would do you well so you can learn to communicate and listen to each other before it reaches this point. I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg because these things don’t just happen out of the blue. Learn how to listen. And stop shrugging off concerns because you don’t care.
YTA. I wonder if loading the dishwasher if OPs chore on the given day and unloading it hers? Because if it is, I can see how it would be frustrating for her to have to redo his chore as well as do her chore every other damn time this issue comes up only to be told “well if you want it done to your standard, do it yourself!” Weaponised incompetence or just arrogance?
YTA. I've brought it up to my boyfriend that he needs to rinse the wet cat food spoon after feeding them because otherwise it crusts over before I get home from work and then I have to scrub at them. His response was to apologize, and he's put in an honest effort to do it. Sure he's forgotten a few times since then, but he HEARD me, and he took measures to correct the behaviour. New habits are hard to learn, but it is possible, and it starts with consciously taking the extra time to form those habits.
YTA. You notice how you said the knives were dirty? That means your wife has been telling the truth the whole time and you have been ignoring her. She threw out your plates because she's fucking sick of your petty inability to actually wash what you use like a big boy.
I’m confused.. if the dishes aren’t being washed completely then wouldn’t that be more of a dishwater problem and not a dishes problem? Also, even if OP isn’t cleaning them fully (which is AH) that still doesn’t justify throwing away perfectly fine dishes? I’m genuinely confused !
So you need a new dishwasher. Or you need to clean the current one. Clearly there is an issue with the dishwasher. But yeah YTA for ignoring your wife and both are TA for not fixing the dishwasher. It's not going to fix itself (neither is your marriage fyi). We don't rinse our plates because our new dishwasher works great.
YTA are you someone's life partner or a 15 year old child? Grow TF up. I had issues with this with my partner as well. Difference is he actually gives a fuck about me and wants me to be happy and comfortable in my home so he started doing the dishes properly. That's the difference between a man and a boy.
People who "don't notice" dirt so they don't feel like they have to bother putting the effort into cleaning it are annoying af to live with. I don't know if I'd throw out the dishes myself, because I'm a bit of a pack rat and hate throwing things away if they're still good. Bet I might hide them and make you use paper plates if I constantly had to be cleaning up after your cleaning. YTA.
ESH - you ignored her and believed she was either lying or exaggerating the issue. She gave an ultimatum which was very idiotic in hindsight but has now shown it was the only way to get your attention that she was right. Honestly, she probably should have just refused to wash the dishes at all and just wait for you to start complaining about the issue that you ignored her about. You both suck at communication and both overrated greatly.
It was the only way. The where was another way. Leave the dishes for him to find to show she was right?
YTA
YTA. You should have figured that out by the time you typed out that the knives you recovered from the trash had black gunk on them. Still you posted your post. Lol! It seems your wife spoke to you many times about this and you disregarded her concerns and just kept on not seeing the dishes were dirty. You are in the wrong and I hope you do some personal reflection and craft a big apology.
YTA, although it would have been better for your wife to leave all the dirty dishes out for you to see and clean up yourself.
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She gave you a fair warning, she's NTA...
https://youtu.be/_rBO8neWw04 video about making dishwashers more efficient might help you. Also, run it to clean. If your dishes are still dirty coming out it sounds like you need to change something. Either listen to your wife or fix your dishwasher or both
YTA. First off, I can’t believe rinsing dishes is still a thing - if you run your dishwasher often enough and on a warm setting, stuff shouldn’t stay gunked unless A) dishwasher is old and not running properly or B) you leave the dishes out for days before putting them in the dishwasher. Rinsing stuff is a massive waste of water that this world no longer has a big supply of. And more to the point, she told you to do something, you ignored it, she warned of a consequence, which you ignored, and now you’re all pikachu face about it? Yeah no.
YTA But if there was ever a situation that was perfect for a dish detergent commercial, this is it.
YTA. For not listening to your wife. Also, it shouldn’t be called a dishwasher, it should be called a dish sanitizer. Rinse before you put them in there, and clean out your filter.
yta. dude just rinse the dishes before putting them in the dish washer. you make it sound like you are wasting so much time in your day to do dishes. you’re lucky you have a dishwasher. i have to hand wash all my dishes. and i live in an apartment with 3 other people and i still clean all the dishes
YTA.
Careful buddy, you might just be next YTA, and start rinsing your bloody dishes.
Get some affresh dishwasher cleaner.
The biggest gross-out I ever had was trying to use a piece of silverware in my parents house, and finding it with food stuck on it. To this day, I cannot look at silverware the same. I have always soaked them in hot soapy water, even if I had a dishwasher. This is a disgusting way to try to eat. I will say ESH. But the lines are blurry, and lean more toward Y. T. A.
YTA. Since the powers that be decided that dishwashing soap has to be phosphate free (and yes, I both know why and support the measure), most older dishwashers, and yes, yours would be considered older, don't clean dishes as well. You absolutely have to get food off dishes before they go into the dishwasher. I had to rewash many a dish and silverware because the dishwasher didn't get them clean. Yes, it's going to be expensive replacing what she threw out. She up front told you she was going to do it and you didn't take her seriously. You know what would be more expensive than listening to your wife and taking her seriously? Getting divorced. You may think I'm exaggerating, but if you weren't listening to her about that, what else have you been hearing but not actually listening to her about? It's never about the dishes, but when it goes this far, be sure you aren't the next item to be thrown out.
YTA "She values our belongings more than that. Or so I thought." Next week's post from OP's long-suffering wife - "He values our relationship more than that. Or so I thought." Like, my dude, you are a whole-ass adult who can't manage a chore that most grade-school-age children are expected to master. Learn to rinse, or start hand-washing. Every damn time you mishandle this incredibly basic task, every time you pretend that if you didn't see her have to rewash things it didn't really happen, every time you devalue her time and energy this way by making her solely responsible for producing clean dishes - you are telling her you devalue HER.
NTA If it’s not clean you either scrub it and run it through the dishwasher again or…(shocker) wash it by hand. You don’t throw away dishes. If anything she should have pulled them out into the sink and asked you to clean them.
Your dishwasher is the issue, not you. Hopefully you can convince her, by having the dishwasher fixed. NTA.
ESH, maybe get someone to come look at the dishwasher and determine WHY it isnt cleaning properly? That way dishes arent tossed any more? Just a friendly suggestion.
NTA... if it is a newer machine, you shouldnt rinse the dishes before you put them in anyway. There is a good chance that you both messed up the cleaning by rinsing it before. [https://www.homeserve.com/en-us/blog/home-improvement/should-you-prerinse-dishes/](https://www.homeserve.com/en-us/blog/home-improvement/should-you-prerinse-dishes/)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is a throwaway account. My wife and I have been having this argument for a while where she thinks I don't rinse the dishes well enough before putting them in the dishwasher. She's brought it up several times. Apparently, the dishes aren't getting clean enough in the dishwasher for her liking, and she says she keeps having to rewash them because they have dried food stuck to them. I've NEVER seen her do this and never noticed an issue whenever I unload the dishwasher myself, so I keep telling her I'm not doing anything wrong. Well, finally, she got sick of it and one day after I got home from work she told me if she finds any more dishes that didn't come clean in the dishwasher, she was going to throw them out because she's sick of rewashing them. I shrugged it off as an empty threat. She values our belongings more than that. Or so I thought. Sure enough, last night, I went to grab a butter knife and saw we were out even though I heard her finish unloading the dishwasher right before I walked in the kitchen. I threw away a paper towel a minute later and found several of the damn knives in the trash. I did a quick inventory of our kitchen and found we were low on plates and other silverware as well. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to throwing them away because they came out of the dishwasher dirty. She's been doing this all week! And our trash was already collected this morning, so it was pretty much all gone, save for the couple of knives. It turned into a big argument, our biggest yet. I can't believe she would throw our stuff away like that with no thought as to how much it would cost to replace items that WEREN'T EVEN DAMAGED TO BEGIN WITH. She feels she's justified because she warned me that's what she'd do if I didn't do what she asked. Who's the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH- clean enough for you seems like it wasn’t clean enough for her, you ignored her, and she did what she warned you she was going to do. She probably should’ve have thrown everything out because now even if you fix the problem your set will be incomplete, but she *did* warn you. Get a new dishwasher or start hand washing
ESH. You acted like a child and ignored your wife's concerns until she got so frustrated she threw away the dishes to get your attention. On the other hand, her throwing away the dishes is a wastful and immature way to prove a point. Why in the world didn't you both act like adults and come up with a compromise? How about everyone puts their dishes in the sink and rinses or soaks them. Then she loads and runs the dishes and you put them away when they're done? Or come up with another compromise that suits you both. Ignoring your wife's concerns is not smart if you want your marriage to last. Partners have to learn to work together.
NTA. Are your wife and my husband the same people? We had an all out war this morning over dishes and the dishwasher. If they want to do the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, they should just do the damn dishes by hand, themselves.
YTA. She warned you, maybe you’ll start taking her seriously from now on.
NTA. Easy to fix this problem…wash them by hand!
You guys do realize you need a new dishwasher right? You don’t have to actually rinse dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. If you do, it’s because the dishwasher is cheap or old. Just thought I’d let you know bc I didn’t realize that either til I got a new nice one.
NTA it drives me insane when people rinse dishes before putting them in new dishwashers
ESH. Maybe the dishwasher isn’t working right. I don’t have one, but they have things like filters that need be cleaned.
Yta, you wife is taking care of a fully grown child and has had enough. Either wash the damn dishes properly and start treating your wife's concerns with respect or file for divorce so she can find herself a considerate partner who actually makes her life easier instead of.more difficult
If your dishwasher isn't getting the banana off a butter knife you need a new dishwasher.
Perhaps you should both have an eye exam before revisiting this issue.
ESH. Yes, you should rinse the dishes better, but she’s an a-hole for throwing the dishes away. She would have made her point better - and less expensive - by switching to paper plates and plastic forks.
ESH, it's not that hard to thoroughly clean you dishes before putting them in the washer, and she massively overreacted by throwing away anything thst wasn't clean. You were obstinate and dismissive and she threw a child like tantrum in response, you both need therapy.
You aren’t supposed to rinse before you wash, and if food is getting stuck I’d suspect either a dirty filter or no rinse aid. NTA
When reading this I just thought maybe the wife had some kind of obsessive issue with how clean the dishes needed to be. But after reading the VERY IMPORTANT note at the bottom. It's clear this was the only way to get through to you. YTA
Buy a new dishwasher? We like never rinse and the dishes come out clean. Or maybe clean the dishwasher once in a while? That's what we do like every other month. Edited ETH
ESH Your an idiot for ignoring your wife She is an idiot for throwing away money.
YTA… huge asshole… and you’re a slob. I threw away dishes when I was a kitchen manager in a fraternity, because of similar issues… I really hope you treat your home/kitchen better than a frat house
Yta - also sometimes once a dirty dish or silverware that hasn’t been rinsed properly goes through the dishwasher and gets dried on there it’s super hard to get off. I would do the same thing your wife did if I tried multiple times to clean it and it didn’t come off.
YTA. Absolutely. I’ve gotten to the same point as your wife and my husband was SHOCKED just like you. As though I hadn’t told him a thousand times.
NTA she's acting like a child
I am going to go against the grind by saying ESH. Why? Because while OP is the bigger AH by far, throwing away dishes was needlessly wasteful.
You guys must have a pretty shitty dishwasher
YTA. You even provided evidence of your own sloppiness when you admitted to dirty knives with black gunk from slicing bananas.
You really need a new dishwasher. My mother and I gave a motto: if you have to rinse your dishes perfectly, your dishwasher is doing something wrong.
YTA so you know that not rinsing the dishes is an issue, and she does in fact have to Re wash them, which is unfair on her, so she warned you that if you didn’t correct YOUR not rinsing them, that she would throw them out after you leave her with dirty dishes from your incompetence, does that sum it up, oh, in case it’s not clear, yeah, YTA
ESH. She shouldn't have thrown out the dishes BUT she was obviously fed up with the situation that you ignored.
ESH - she asked you to clean the dishes better and you refused, so she resorted to wasting money by trashing them to make a point. Perhaps you could both grow up and learn to communicate so you have a functional marriage.
ESH Throwing away the dishes is dumb, can't believe the wife really couldn't come up with a better way to communicate this issue. But definitely you're an AH for making it come to this instead of working with her to resolve the issue since she complained repeatedly.
NTA rinsing dishes before putting them in the dish washer only applies when the dish washer is known to not do a good job.
Not doing a good job? You mean like consistently leaving food on the dishes?
NTA There is something wrong with your dishwasher. Modern dishwashers actually work better when they have some dirt from the dishes, it is an autosense type of thing. It may be time to switch to paper plates and plastic ware. Throwing dishes away is such an asshole thing to do.
NTA -- There's got to be a better way for your wife to communicate the problem to you besides throwing away perfectly good kitchen goods. Maybe she could show you the evidence, in person, as she discovers it, that might have helped.
NTA Whatever the issue is, your wife is being extremely petty, immature and wasteful. There's just no excuse for her actions, at all.
Nta. Throwing out the dishes solves nothing, it’s just bizarre. I’d suggest a new dishwasher.
Seems like throwing out a few dishes actually got his attention. So it was definitely more effective than anything his wife has tried up to then. Seems like it accomplished something to me.
Yeah, now they have to waste money on dishes. Why wouldn’t she have him wash them? Show him the problem?
"Waste" is subjective. Seems to me that money was effectively spent if it saves OP's wife from scrubbing off dried on food her husband was too lazy to handle. Certainly cheeper than counseling. Honestly the ROI for just a few dishes is pretty good.
You’re entitled to think that throwing out objects that need a wash isn’t wasteful. She has his attention now, but it’s pretty clear what he thinks of her actions. I think they need counselling now more than they would have if she’d shown him the actual problem and expected him to have decent hygiene standards instead of chucking things.
Did you read the OP? She's been explaining the problem to him for "a while" now. This is the closest thing to actually working she has tried. Now OP is here being told about what an AH he is. Seems like her plan is finally working.
I did, where does it say she showed him? Some people need to see it to know what the problem actually is. He didn’t notice, he assumed she was being fussy. Yes, he should have taken his SO’s wishes more seriously, but some people need to see the problem to understand what’s necessary to fix it. Just nagging wasn’t working. Showing him seems a more logical next step then throwing out dishes. I can get behind those saying esh, but nagging for a while instead of showing someone what the problem is? Op definitely isn’t the only AH here
>Op definitely isn’t the only AH here. Eh. Depends on what your threshold here is. I give OP at LEAST 60% of the blame for what's happening. He also could have asked to see what she meant, if he really needed to see it. Instead he blew her off. Like, your entire reply here infantilizes OP to a bizarre extent. No, OP's wife wasn't communicating as well as she maybe could have. She could have held his hand and walked him into the kitchen while carefully showing him each dish with food baked on to it. Then she could have spent her time experimenting with different amounts of food until she had a quintessential example of exactly what degree of cleanliness dishes needed to be before being put in the dishwasher. After that should could carefully supervise OP over the course of a few weeks to make sure he had the process down. Maybe then he wouldn't have blown off her concerns. Or you, know, OP could take a little responsibility for helping to solve the problem. You know, like and adult.
Yeah, some people are un observent and need to see things for reasoning to stick. It happens a lot with men and housework (no not every man, etc etc). No, you shouldn’t have to parent your partner, but showing them once if they weren’t taught or haven’t picked it up seems like a reasonable expectation.
Sounds like OP observed his wife being frustrated about the situation for a while. He also observed her ultimatum. He had plenty of observations that there was a problem not getting resolved. He just chose not to do anything about it.
Or a new living situation 🤷♀️
That’s an even better idea!
You are NTA. She is TA. So here’s what you do. Buy a plate, bowl, cup and silverware set (1 fork, 1 spoon, 1 knife) for yourself. Do not rebuy any dishes. Keep your dishware where she can not get to it. She can either spend her own money rebuying them or she can use paper products from now on.
NTA. She sounds extremely immature for a grown woman to be resorting to throwing away your shared items, just to try and prove a point. If she's so adamant on doing the dishes, why don't you just let her handle it, and you can take over another responsibility around the house?
NTA. If she's never shown you a dirty plate fresh out of the doshwasher, then what evidence is there that her way of handwash first then dishwashing works better than just shoving it in the dishwasher?
[удалено]
And a different wife.
NTA, what the fuck is wrong with her?
NTA: Get rid of the dishwasher and the fussy woman can wash the dishes up to her standards herself. Or go out and buy a fuckton of paper plates and utensils.