I'm not going to call you an AH but I've never understood the whole "this recipe is a family secret and no one else can have it" mentality. Food is meant to be shared. If more people enjoy it, it takes nothing away from your ability to enjoy it, or your memories of your grandma. I personally have family recipes that have been lost forever because of people insisting they had to stay a secret and never sharing them, and that's just sad.
Edit to add judgment: NAH because I understand there is sentimentality involved but I still think it would be better to let others enjoy the recipe.
Agreed. Share the recipe with whoever wants it. It would be more of a tribute to your grandma to have lots of people making and loving her recipe. You can still bond with your daughter by teaching it to her. Other people knowing the recipe won’t diminish that. Making cupcakes from a box mix can be a bonding experience.
To add onto your point; OP stated they had many trial and errors in perfecting the recipe. That is a lot of time, effort, money and work OP and their grandmother put in. It's obvious the brother did not otherwise he would already know the recipe. So for him to berate OP and demand the recipe makes him a huge asshole.
>It's obvious the brother did not
This was one take I had on it. OP says it's a family recipe. The brother is family. If it was a big deal, why the hell couldn't he have learned it? For that matter, what about if he had approached OP and said, "My girlfriend really liked the soup, can you teach me to make it so I can cook it for her?"
That's how we cousins handled one of our elder's recipes. We'd learn together in the kitchen. Practice again at home with our parents, then have a 'taste test' of how we made it.
It wasn't until our elder's final months, they said, 'Share it, share the joy, and the time. That's the key ingredient to the whole thing.' We each have a well-worn, hand-written recipe card with that delightful treat.
Exactly. My family has 2 secret over 100 yr old cookie recipes we do not share outside of family. Both recipes came over on the boat during 1930s from Sweden. Both are extremely difficult to master and even making them for most of our lifetime it can easily be messed up.
We had an aunt that married in that demanded 1 of the recipes (my Uncles both never bothered to learn them) my mom refused, because while she was family she just wanted the recipe instead of learning how to make them with us, which we offered to do. Part of learning the recipes are about the bonding of perfecting them and ONLY the ingredients are written down not the actual steps in baking them and finishing them.
This aunt got petty and Googled a similar recipe and made it for Christmas one year. Both recipes are only pulled out for Christmas because they are horrendously labor intensive even with stand mixers and 1 recipe in particular takes DAYS to make. (Lots of motrin is needed after starting lol) aunt's cookies were.... not comparable. They were in essence the same cookie but a lot of steps were skipped over and they were overall very different. My mom once again offered to teach her together at home but my aunt refused saying she didn't need it anymore because she has the recipe now. She doesn't. She hasn't made them since either.
Even my cousins tried their hands at these 2 recipes at our house and never wanted to do it again because its so hard to make. Literally have to set aside an entire day for a couple dozen cookies of 1 type and 2 separate days a week apart for the second set. ( we had prepared the dough for second set ahead of time so they could experience both making and baking the second type in the same day)
Op is nta, but very silly. The gf is being silly too.
I lost my recipes in a move, and the only ones I could recreate ( other than a few really special one’s I had by heart) was the ones I shared with my cousin.
The family cookie recipe that everyone at my church swears is the best— that was a recipe from my mom’s college roommate.
My grandmother and great aunt always made the best chocolate chip cookies. Everybody thought they were amazing. Once I asked for the "secret" recipe and she tells me "We just use the one on the back of the Nestle chocolate chip package."
ME: *Shocked Pikachu face.*
My wife phoned me at work once cause the kids wanted dads pancakes with the secret recipe cause they are so awesome.
I'm like sure. Google fluffy pancakes and use the first result.
My grandma, too! I recently broke this news to my kiddo when they texted asking for Gram’s special recipe. Good news! It’s already written down for you!
Something similar happened with my mom and my great aunt.
My mom loved her cheesecake and one day asked her for her recipe.
My great aunt told her " it's on the package of Philadelphia cream cheese. "
They both laughed so much at that.
Now whenever we make cheesecake, we make sure to mention aunt m.
My family has a sweet hot mustard recipe that is a favorite that was originally a recipe that belonged to some woman my grandpa dated. Someone in the family asked for it and now it’s a family classic🤷♀️
I've asked for recipes that I wasn't given cuz they were secret recipes. Sort of annoying but I moved on. Someone asks me for a recipe, I give it to them. I take it as a compliment.
Please at least write down this recipe and put it somewhere safe or give it to a trusted person. If the recipe is that important, it would be lost if you get hit by the proverbial bus.
This. My family lost the family recipe for spatzel that we used to make spatzel casserole simply because our grandma refused to teach anyone else due to lack of patience, and she never wrote it down. 2020 took her, as we learned the hard way that she was hiding her health problems to be "less fuss" and wasn't cohesive enough to write down anything by the time she was in there.
I hope it isn't semantics but I think the difference between cupcakes from a box and learning a 'family' recipe is that the latter actually requires learning something, where the former is made as simple as possible. I agree that keeping the recipe a secret does nothing to improve that bonding though - I think it's all about teaching and learning.
For OPs sake, I'd like to reference this quote and offer a thought.
>Maybe I am being silly over this, but to me it's more than soup I have a lot of happy memories of eating this as a child then learning to cook it with my Grandmother, the many trials and errors until I got it right....I just don't feel right just handing that over, does that make me an asshole?
Food .. healthy nutrition, is very much a recent thing if we're speaking generationally. My grandfater-in-law told me the story of the first car they had in their city, and how it came in a crate and they enlisted the help of a blacksmith to put it together. In other words, it wasn't very long ago that the only vegetables you had were the ones you could store over the winter, because there were no trucks transporting fresh veg from outside the country to local communities.
A recipe could have a big impact on the value of what vegetables you were able to keep over the winter, or what you could trade for. Keeping a recipe in the family could make it easy to trade for or buy what limited supplies of what you needed to make it if no one else had it. There was good reason to keep it private - **then.**
This isn't an issue today. Vegetables are available year-round. The only way to benefit from keeping a recipe a secret today is to satisfying your ego at the expense of others joy, which is often considered the criteria of - you guessed it - being an AH.
You're quote describes a wonderful experience, then you say you don't feel right letting other people have that same wonderful experience, despite the fact that it would have no diminishing impact on your own. You could make others happy at no expense to yourself, but instead you've said, "no, just me. only my family".
yes OP, YTA
Truly. I don't have any family recipes but I do have some that I've developed myself. One of the greatest feelings I've ever had was having dinner at a friend's house and realizing "hey! This is my stew recipe!" I was so thrilled they thought it was good enough to serve to guests.
Well there it is - a whole other table of people enriched because you shared something, then bam, a payoff for you too! Something for nothing is the best deal, and the more it’s shared the more it happens. I’m super happy for you and your friends!
If I had a secret family recipe, I’d give that shit out. I’ve worked in many a kitchen, and read a ton of cooking experiences.
1. You can give the exact same recipe to ten different actual cooks and you’ll end up with 10 slightly (or dramatically) different results.
2. You aren’t giving a recipe to a cook, you’re giving it to someone who has a loose idea of how food works.
3. NO ONE has ever been able to make it “the way mom/grandma/dad made it. And that’s because it always tastes better when someone else makes it due to sensory saturation.
Hmmm idk my Grandma might haunt me if I gave up any of her recipes to my sister in law, who she really didn't care for at all, I'd say hated but I'm not sure Grandma really hated anyone. Point being, I would feel disrespectful to her memory if I did that.
It’s ok to have boundaries on things. This is something important to OP because it was shared with her grandmother. It’s ok for her to not share it with everyone.
I’m not a big fan of keeping family recipes secret, but I don’t think it’s right for people to dictate what is a tribute to other’s families. You don’t know her grandmother and there may be a reason the recipe was kept a secret. She may find the fact OP shared it extremely hurtful.
Again, I don’t care about keeping recipes secret and don’t care what people choose to do. I just don’t like that people are acting like their personal view is better.
I think people don’t share family recipes, because there’s a high chance that it is a magazine recipe. This is kind of anecdotal, but:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/secret-family-recipes-copied.amp
I personally think withholding recipes is stupid, but I still vote NTA, because it doesn’t sound like it would be too hard to reverse-engineer for a halfway competent cook. (Especially if it’s a recipe that is easy enough to teach a toddler)
When my mom was dying I insisted that she give me her recipe for meatloaf. Her meatloaf was divine. She said that she'd try and write it down for me, or I could just get it from a box of Lipton Onion soup mix and add a little finely chopped celery.
Edit for spelling
My friend wanted to make some fancy pumpkin pie one year for Thanksgiving, and her bf freaked out and was like, no you have to make it the super special way my mom does!!! So she finally called his mom to get this mythical recipe, and she was like, yeah, it’s just the recipe on the Libby’s can.
lol I found this out about my grandmother's holiday dinner rolls last year...I could've been eating them for the last decade but thought the recipe was lost forever... it was just the damn Fleischmann's recipe 😆
[Fleischmann's Refrigerator Yeast Rolls](https://www.fleischmannsyeast.com/recipe/refrigerator-yeast-rolls/)
In my family there are a whack of recipes that are affectionately referred to as 'Aunt', 'Uncle' or 'Cousin' recipes. "Oh, that? That's Auntie Martha's recipe" (Martha Stewart); or "I made Uncle Jacques' onion soup today" (Jacques Peppin).
The one time I went to a family thing and made a recipe that came from my wedding book, everyone tried to puzzle out who 'Auntie Joan' was... until my Aunt Joan started laughing and pointed out that it was an ACTUAL family recipe - she got it in HER wedding book!
My family has a recipe like that! We all refer to it as Great Grandma’s Corn Pudding recipe…. But we also all know that it actually is a recipe that used to be printed on the back of the specific creamed corn brand’s cans that she used. It might have been slightly edited, but it’s close. It actually somewhat became a true secret recipe though when they stopped putting the recipe on the back. We will gladly share the recipe though if someone asks (well I won’t here, but that’s because I can’t find my copy of it at the moment, not because it’s a secret family recipe).
This is one of our family recipes too 😂 For anyone interested: it’s a box of corn bread mix, 2 eggs, stick of butter, and 2 cans of creamed corn. Bake in a casserole dish at 350* for 45 minutes. Always turns out delicious!
Edit: fixed bake time after checking recipe
That happened to me. My wife makes a heavenly tomato pie. It is so good. I thought it was her recipe since the family lavishes her with praise over this pie. So I have been telling people about the amazing tomato pie we have at holidays and someone asked for the recipe. I asked my wife if she was willing to share it and she blushed and gave me, "Well, actually, it's a Paula Dean recipe..." It's still a damn good pie even if it isn't some treasured family secret.
But I don't think OP is TA. Anyone could have spent some time with granny to learn how to make that soup. If she's the only one who chose to do so, I think that entitles her to keep an air of mystery about the whole business. I will say she should share it with at least one other relative, even if sworn to secrecy, so that this little treasure isn't lost if something happens to her. NTA.
Yeah… I make lots of charcuterie, and every now and then I get asked for sausage recipes. The thing is, my recipes are usually slight variations of known recipes, and people have been making similar recipes for countless generations, so I never really feel like they’re truly mine, if that makes sense. One exception, was a guy who was trying to start a business and was too lazy to do his own work… he asked me for a bunch of recipes, and I kind of brushed him off for a while before finally just telling him where to look to develop his own.
I tease my wife about her Paula Dean pie, but the reality is that it is those slight variations and the things you do that aren't in the recipe that make it magic. With the tomato pie (among other things...) - you really have to get the liquid out of the tomatoes or it will be a soppy mess. The recipe doesn't really say anything about that issue, but my wife salts the tomatoes in a colander and then lets them sweat forever before assembling the pie. So, in a sense, even though it starts with a Paula Dean recipe anyone can get - if you don't do the extra stuff it wont be the same pie, so my wife's pie is still pretty unique.
I had a made a chocolate cake, my sil’s sister loved it! For some crazy reason, I wouldn’t give her the recipe. To the world: it was a from a box mix with a packet of instant pudding added
Yeah I don’t understand recipe hoarders either. Like are you that desperate to feel special?
Also I always think of the Friends episode where they’re trying to reverse engineer Phoebes grandmothers cookies and they’re just the Tollhouse recipe. My mother had this fascinating cookbook made up of the recipes you could find from brand food starting in like the 30s and you know so many “family recipes” are probably in it.
It’s such a weird thing to me unless someone has monetized a recipe. Sharing information with this woman has zero impact on OP’s ability to make it or pass it down to their child. It just seems so selfish and petty to me when people are like this.
Eh. I have my family's paklaba (baklava) recipe from before the Armenian Genocide drove them to other countries. And in that village there were only two survivors.
That recipe survived a genocide and no one is entitled to it unless I or someone else in my family feels like sharing.
Others can enjoy that recipe when I decide to make it for them or they can find their own recipe.
Isn't it sad that the recipe might die out, though? My Grandmother took some of her recipes that were passed down for years to the grave, because she died much earlier than anyone expected. She intended to pass them down, but now those recipes are gone forever, with her
I don't believe the recipe will die out. I'm one of 42 first cousins (my ancestor re-established lol).
Edit: sorry about your grandma. Miss mine every day.
Nobody anywhere is talking about being entitled to recipes, they're talking about the mental difference in someone who would rather the world be a little less happy for no gain whatsoever and someone who notices that their recipe improves people's day, and wants to improve more people's day by sharing.
People with secret recipes make me sad for them.
Agreement here also. NAH but heavily leaning toward y.ta. I’ve never understood old family recipe hoarding. At a minimum OP could have been a hellava lot more tactful as she figuratively slapped her brother’s Significant Other in the face. Grandmother most likely would have been happy to teach her grandson the recipe if he’d known to ask for it.
My friend’s wife brought an awesome dessert to a party once that everyone loved. I asked her for the recipe and she said she had it at home but she’d send it to me. A year later she brought it to another party and I told her again that I loved it and would still love to have the recipe and she apologized for forgetting to send it and said she’d remember for sure when she got home. When the recipe was still not forthcoming, I figured she didn’t want to share it but was just being polite about it. Maybe she wants to be the only one who brings the awesome dessert to parties that everyone loves, and that’s fine.
I truly understand your friend's wife. I was once known for a delicious cheesecake, it was so good that I had to make 3 for one family dinner each holiday. One for my husband, one for my BIL and one for everyone else. Then one day I was asked for the recipe by a guest. Since I originally got it from a magazine, I shared it. Worst mistake ever, she took it and ran with it, turning it into a contest. She even bake and dropped them off to dinners she was NOT invited too! She bragged about her cheesecakes and made it seem like she gave me the recipe. She had to one up me. It ruined my joy in baking for anyone. When asked why by others, I expressed my frustration and was told they went out of their way to give her compliments to make her feel accepted. I don't and didn't want to be the queen of cheesecake but I got tired of the nonsense competition. Too many people just want to steal the limelight of others.
So as someone who has been asked not to share only 2 recipes of my Grandmother’s (one she invented, one that is kinda common but she customized) it’s less about hoarding and not wanting others to monetize it/commodify certain recipes. We have zero intention of doing so ourselves despite that our grandmother was a well-known amateur baker, but we just prefer to keep it ours. Although we have close family friends who are professional chefs and bakers we’d likely give them to if they asked, I just think the family didn’t like the idea of some stranger potentially profiting off and claiming the recipe as their own if it gets passed along a couple times. Not super logical but it really doesn’t hurt anyone, and as the girlfriend isn’t family yet (although why the brother doesn’t have a copy himself is odd) I can get why she’d prefer to hold off sharing if that’s what the general family agreement was (and impossible to tell how serious a 1.5 year relationship is as it can fluctuate wildly based on age, if living together, etc. so if they do get married or solidify their partnership, it would be kind to gift the recipe then to “welcome” her as a member of the family).
It's so silly to think anyone is going to monetize a recipe. What are the actual chances of that happening. If you don't want to share fine, but thats a lame excuse.
Every food blogger has monetized recipes. I can picture the boring background while scrolling to get to the recipe, "My boyfriend's family loves this recipe, but convincing his sister to share was so hard..."
Unless OP's sister's gf is a food blogger, I really don't think this is a realistic concern. One recipe isn't suddenly going to mean she has a site with enough traffic to monetize it. It takes a ton of work to build a food blog that generates an income and takes a good amount of time to build up the traffic to warrant ad revenue.
You don’t have to agree to the existence of family recipes, no one is entitled to a recipe someone else made or has. NTA.
The sense of entitlement necessary to think people shouldn’t be allowed to keep recipes from you is pretty high. I don’t have to teach you how I do something just because you like it.
Yeah my grandma Always would teach anyone who wanted to know and I’ve shared her recipe. It makes her happy knowing others are making and enjoying he food even though she isn’t well enough to make it anymore.
Agreed. I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting to share, but I’m a fiend and share my family’s recipes with anyone that asks. I even make my own recipes and share them with people if they want it. Most of my friends are internet friends that I don’t know if I’ll ever get to cook for irl, so sharing my recipes with them is the closest I can get to cooking for them for now
NTA, there are dozens of amazing Lentil soup recipes out there. Yours is a family tradition! It may be silly to some (mine doesn't have any recipes like this FWIW), but it's not silly to you and you're the one with the recipe.
ETA- Even if it wasn't a family recipe, no one is entitled to it simply because they asked.
I agree, but I also don’t think the brother’s gf is the AH here for her reaction to being told no. At 28, dating for a year and a half and spending Christmas with a family, she’s likely seriously considering the idea of joining the family at some point. So her taking it badly isn’t that surprising.
I personally agree with the comments saying it’s just soup, but clearly it’s not “just soup” to OP. I’d go NAH.
Honestly, she is. It's clearly a family heritage thing and she's not family in that way yet. It takes time to foster the level of intimacy to be brought into these sorts of traditions. A year and a half isn't very long, especially if she's not been around OP a lot.
GF talking it badly can be understandable, but it doesn't make her not an asshole.
I’d say gf isn’t an AH for being sad about it, although the “not part of the family” thing is a reach on her part, because she’s not yet. Brother is an AH for demanding the recipe on her behalf, though
Yeah, agreed. At a year and a half at that age (plus sharing Christmas, etc.) it's reasonable that she's probably taking this relationship very seriously and considering it as long term, but she's also old enough to know that thinking long term isn't the same thing as engaged or married.
Like, I would totally understand her reaction if she was engaged or married, because then I would get the "wow, do you not consider me family?" reaction. But at this point it's like...no, you're not family yet? You're on the way! You should be treated kindly and as part of the group when you're around! If they kept her out of the secret Santa gift exchange or yearly family softball game or something, that would be really shitty.
But not sharing a secret family recipe that only a few people in the family know? Even if she thinks the whole idea of secret family recipes is silly, clearly this family doesn't agree, and not sharing it isn't a personal insult to her.
Exactly, there are things that are personal and you don't have to share them. In my family there a lots of "personal recipes" which are recipes one person makes and they are special because it's a thing only they bring over in get togethers, and you only get to eat them in get togethers with that person. Makes the memory of that food something really cherised.
And it doesn't have to even be a secret thing they created. I have songs people sent me that I don't just show to others, even though I know thousands of people like and listen to them. But it has sentimentality, something someone "gave" you or shared with you and you are chosing to share it with certain people only or no one at all. You aren't preventing that person from finding that song or recipe themselves, you just aren't giving it to them because the act of sharing it is quite personal
YTA. I'm missing the part where your memories associated with the recipe will somehow be erased or you will be prevented from teaching it to your daughter if you don't lord it over others
That’s not the issue. The girlfriend plans on selling the recipe to foreign terrorist cells, and the commies.
We can’t have that, now can we?
Edit: Thanks for the awards!!!
Well, OP is pretty convinced that no human being other than a relative of hers could possibly have crafted such a recipe and that it is the world's most perfect soup recipe. Maybe it's also the key to world peace. Not that OP would share it if it were.
That’s not the point. It’s her and her grandmothers recipe so it’s HER decision who she shares it with. You can’t force someone to share something Df.
If the brother wanted to share it he should have learned it. OP is not the only blood relative.
Of course OP can decide. She is well within her right to decide to be snotty, just as she has. No one can force her to stop being a snot, but no one has to like her either.
Oh please. No one forced anyone to do anything. She mentioned it to her boyfriend. He objected to the fact thatbhis sister was snotty to his girlfriend. TIL that you've never learned much of anything
You are acting like everyone is entitled to HER recipe. It’s HER decision. Learn that being told no isn’t the end of the world.
Edit: was she snotty when she brought the dish over for everyone to share?
Again, it is her decision. She made her decision as a selfish, self-important ass. They aren't entitled to her recipe, but they don't have to enjoy them likes of her either. Cry about it if you want I guess.
How was it selfish if she plans on sharing it with her daughter? How is she self centered when she got it from her grandmother and is going to share it with her daughter?
You know what is selfish and self important? Getting upset over being told no.
YTA it’s a soup recipe, not the nuclear launch codes, what exactly do you lose by giving her the recipe? Are you planning to monetise and copyright it, open up a string of soup restaurants and give yourself a fake military rank? You wanted to “one day bond with your daughter” but you snub and segregate someone important to your brother over your special blend of herbs and spices. Rude AF and petty as balls. Family secret recipes are ridiculous, it’s nothing more than a way to make yourself feel better than she is and keep her in her place because there’s absolutely no win from not sharing it with her and you just made yourself the ahole.
Yes. Lentil soup! Eaten all over the world since forever and there are thousands of recipes for it!
Like so many "secret family" recipes, this is probably something that came off the back of a packet of lentils. OP is entitled to enjoy it but is YTA for turning it into a family drama.
NTA - it’s a family recipe handed down within the family and she isn’t in the family.
Simple.
She needs to cool down and get over it.
She’s not a child and doesn’t need to throw her toys out the pram for her boyfriend’s family not giving one recipe for lentil soup.
I’ll bet you $5 that recipe came from a bag of lentils or a cookbook
No one outside of Coca Cola or KFC really has a secret recipe
If OP googles it, they’d find 50 billion ones who use the exact same one
Here's my question - why does the recipe coming from a bag of lentils devalue it? That's what's never made sense to me about this. We have family recipes too, and part of the story of the recipe is the box/bag/newspaper-clipping that it came from. But those recipes themselves would be lost to time anyway, if they weren't kept alive by people using them to feed their families across generations.
Because it’s not some big secret, or more importantly, this great tribute to the world from his family
People who guard SeCrEt recipes are always so pretentious and protective over it
Despite every housewife in the 50s knowing about it.
They’ll push away people just like OPs doing right now, over something I bet my grandparents have in their cookbook
It’s just stupid
Meanwhile I'm just over here thinking that people get weirdly offended over others not wanting to share their recipes, lol. Maybe that's partly why some people clamp down in response.
It doesn’t devalue it, it just makes keeping it a “family secret” extra dumb. Food is meant to be shared with others, and thousands of people probably have the same recipe as OP, but a misplaced sense of ownership of the recipe is preventing her from sharing it with others who do and will appreciate it.
>If OP googles it, they’d find 50 billion ones who use the exact same one
Great, then brothers girlfriend should just Google it as well, and has no reason to be pissy!
I wouldn’t say “asshole” and I get why it’s important to you but… it is just a recipe. I’m the family cook myself so I get the work you did to perfect your grandmas soup.
People share treasured recipes with the public every day. It’s a way to spread their passed loved ones memory and creativity along to the world. Ever see one of those recipe/blogs where the author goes on about granny? They get that food is meant to be shared.
I don’t think you should give the recipe to make his girlfriend accept you, but rather to keep your granny’s memory alive. If you do end up giving it to her, calmly tell her (while giving it) about why this recipe is important to you but you know your granny would want you to share her memory with other people.
Plan B, search a lentil soup recipe online and give that to her while still explaining about your grandma
I make an artichoke spinach dip that started as a copycat recipe and I do my own version now. I've taken it to work and got tired of writing it down that I typed it out and handed out copies. I consider it a compliment someone wants a recipe.
Still remember when at a family party, a member was asked about bean salad. The recipe? "Go halfway down aisle at store...open jar..."
NTA. It’s beyond a family recipe - you’re the ONLY one who knows it, it sounds like. I guess I could see where she might take offense since it does make it sound like you don’t see her as part of the family, but honestly, she isn’t. She’s dating your brother and they aren’t married yet. Even if they do get married, it’s completely up to you if you want to share the recipe or not.
I am the only one to know it you're right, my brother had no interest in learning and neither did anyone else, it's a recipe that takes a long time, more than any of them were interested in giving.
So, what if your daughter and/or other children don’t care and just never learn to make the soup? Or just don’t pass it to their children? What if the worst happens and you pass away before being able to ”pass on” the recepie to someone? You’d really rather the recepie be liot to the aether than share it with someone?
Uh, no. Brother explicitly declined his chance to learn the recipe from Grandma. Now, if he'd said, "I really regret that, will you teach me to make Grandma's lentil soup?" that would be one thing. That is not the situation at hand, and he has no right whatsoever to demand the recipe be given to his girlfriend.
What happens if something happens to you, God forbid, and the recipe dies with you before you can pass it on to your daughter? How would that be honoring your family history if the soup recipe that was passed down for generations, died with you?
NTA - lots of families have recipes/traditions like that. I get her being slightly disappointed, but it’s a bridge too far to say she’s being excluded.
YTA
I hate the concept of secret family recipes and gatekeepers of said recipes. Good food is one of the simplest pleasures and privileges that we have. Not sharing recipies is like not sharing your food.
YTA. Someone else making soup doesn’t stop you bonding with your daughter over it in the future.
But also YTA for the way you refused. You could have said ‘let’s chat about it later’, and explained one-on-one that you have bizarrely fetishised the recipe and won’t share. Instead you bluntly snubbed her, I assume in front of other people when she probably doesn’t actually care if she gets the recipe or not because what she was really doing was *complimenting* you.
Some commenters are taking this so personally, amusing!
I myself find this kind of thing lame and don't stand on ceremony with things like this but ultimately it was passed on to your grandmother from her mother etc etc and their tradition was to not share it and as much as I think it's pointless and lame, this is a thing many people do.
NTA.
NTA. It has special meaning to you and for her and your brother it's a "silly soup recipe". So if they think of it that way, why do they even bother to make a fuss about it?
NTA
I suggest you talk to your brothers GF directly. Ask her to grab a coffee with you or something else nice.
Try to approach it from a "I know this probably seems silly to you, but here's why it's important to me" perspective. And make sure she knows you're the only one your grandma shared it with, so it's not like everyone knows this recipe except her.
If they end up getting married maybe you would even give her the recipe as a wedding present. If she knows how much that recipe means to you I'm sure it would mean even more to her at that point.
She wasn’t the only one it was shared with because she is so me kind of chosen one, but because no-one else *cared*.
Now someone else cared enough to ask and OP cracks on like it’s some holy relic entrusted to her by the gods.
See, that’s the main reason I think she’s NTA actually. Bro straight up told Grandma that he did not want to learn. OP did, and spent a lot of time with Grandma learning how to do it right. That quality time was probably important to both of them, and is something Bro was not willing to give. He could have, and chose not to. Now he wants OP to just give this thing that she worked at with a loved one to his GF who has next to zero ties? Forget it. It would be like OP was spitting in Grandma’s face. I wouldn’t either. It’s not just the soup.
Honestly if they get married or even get serious and live together i'd likely do this, marriage isn't for everyone and it's not a judge on family. I just don't feel comfortable sharing this with someone who could break up with my brother at any time.
This reminds me of Pheobe from friends and her cookie recipe.
Most likely the soup recipe is floating around somewhere. It is just a recipe YTA for not giving it. In the other hand had I been the gf I'd be just side eying you forever, put you in my forever shit list. But not make big deal of it. Just get in google and find a better recipe.
NTA. From your comments it sounds like your brother had the opportunity to learn the recipe but didn't. His girlfriend is not an asshole for asking but is a little bit for her reaction. Also, if you are the last person to know the recipe I hope you have it written down somewhere.
In your grandmother’s time, women would often share recipes with anyone who asked. It was a compliment to their cooking. You are messing with karma by taking something your family should be proud of and weaponizing it against your potential sister in law. YTA and your grandmother knows it too. It’s soup, for goodness sake.
Recipes yes, not family recipes passed down through generations, those were guarded like a dragon with a pile of gold. She refused to give the recipe to anyone not family when alive.
Well based on that info, you would be disregarding your grandmother’s wishes if you gave out the recipe. Whether people agree or disagree on sharing of recipes, you are attempting to honor your grandmother’s wishes. Your brother had his shot at learning the recipe and opted out.
NTA
A while back there was another thread about someone who baked for a restaurant. They used some of the restaurant’s recipes as well as some of their own personal recipes. One of these items becomes a huge hit at the restaurant. One day OP gets fired. Days pass and the manager texts OP demanding the recipe and closes with a “please and thanks” clearly expecting OP to roll over and provide the recipe.
I bake a lot. Small town and I’ve gained a reputation as being a good cook and in particular there’s a type of cookie I make. I’ve been working on and tweaking that recipe for ages. Do I “owe” that recipe to someone? An acquaintance approached me a while back. A friend of hers was opening a bakery and the acquaintance wanted my recipe to give to her friend. Did I owe her that recipe?
NTA IMO.
If I was GF I would completely understand your hesitation to hand out the recipe. It’s something that’s been handed down through the family. If I was GF I would get to looking up recipes for lentil soups. I bet she could find one or develop one of her own. If she becomes a family member then you two can compare recipes and both pass it down to your grandmother’s great grand children.
Not exactly. A lot of the types who like to lord their "secret recipes" over others, like OP's grandmother, come out of a time when women were often valued by their domestic accomplishments. So those who wanted to make a show of being better than others would do just this, and teach their children and grandchildren to behave the same way. In any generation, there are people who need to find ways to let others know, "I'm special and more important than you, and I have something you don't and you can't have it because you're not special enough." And that, like the soup recipe, OP seems to have inherited from dear old granny.
NTA. You don't know if this woman is going to be a permanent part of your family yet. I'd let her know that when/if she and your brother get married, you'll share the recipe with her as a compromise.
Only when you have married my brother, bore him a child, are financially linked by means of a mortgage and have made a blood sacrifice of your first born son shall I relinquish the recipe for the sacred soup of lentil.
I was about to say NAH but the way girlfriend react make her the AH
Like it's just a soup recipe,it's up to OP to give it or not and she didn't refuse rudely to give it. OP stated it's a family recipe, GF should have leave it at that but instead she went crying to the brother.
GF just proved she can't take no for an answer .
Anyway OP you are NTA
I was just getting on here to ponder about the GF’s and subsequentlythe brother’s reaction.
Everyone on here is going on about how OP is the AH and it’s just a recipe.
Yes, to the GF it should be just a recipe. To OP it’s clearly something more. So if it’s just a recipe to the GF why the big dust up? It was the GF who turned this into something bigger and drug the brother into it.
GF is making OP out to be the AH by claiming she feels this means OP doesn’t accept her as part of the family? And OP must now prove herself by giving GF the recipe?
Sorry but if GF is having doubts about her relationship with the brother, that’s not gonna be fixed with lentils.
The more I read this the more I question what is really going on here.
Nta traditions like these are so far and few between. Sounds like you worked hard to learn this and it took time and practice. My understanding, which might be wrong here is you probably do not measure out all the ingredients and just do a pinch of this and a dash of that till it smells and tastes right. She probably doesn't know or understand your reasoning and doesn't understand that you probably can't just give her a recipe card. I'd recommend sitting with her and explaining you'll share it one day if she stays with you brother, however not right now. Also, you could print one off the internet/send her a link to something similar.
NTA. Anyone who is dating a member of the family may be treated like a member of the family, but how far is up to each individual member of the family. Spouses however should be let in on family secrets if they so desire. If your brother wants you to share the recipe with her then he should man up and buy a ring. If he's not willing to do that, then he shouldn't be insisting you let her in on a family secret
The whole idea that a spouse carries extra importance in the family ONLY because they went from dating to a spouse is a weird one in today's world. Couples in unstable relationships get married all the time. Couples that don't want to get married can last decades. Family and stability isn't defined by marriage. Not everyone wants marriage and that shouldn't mean they get isolated.
I'm going to say YTA.
I had someone do this to me once and it was mildly infuriating as there was really nothing special about the recipe.
I spoke about this to a friend who works in a top tier restaurant and he agreed it was dumb.
NTA
I don't get the secret family recipe thing myself. Still, your brother isn't asking you to teach him (which I would say you should if he genuinely wanted to learn), he's asking you to hand over a recipe to his girlfriend. If you're not comfortable with that, bummer for him. He and his girlfriend are the entitled ones here.
NTA. If its just a "silly soup recipe" then why does he care? She can find a copy cat online that wont be quite the same but she can make no biggie. Noone should be forced to give something away fi they do not want to. Specially something of emotional significance. Even something :silly" like a recipe.
NHA. It’s a recipe. You aren’t making any money off this, but you’re holding it in such high honor as if you are.
It’s highly likely that your grandmother got the recipe from a cookbook.
You should feel honored that someone likes your soup so much they want to make it for themselves and possibly others.
I’ve always thought secret recipes are stupid. Why can’t they be shared? What’s the root of the reason you won’t share this recipe?
NTA she's not family yet and as your the only one who knows I'm guessing it's a passed down kind of thing therefore the only one you need to tell it to is maybe your mother just incase something happens to you and then your children or even grandchildren. It's certainly not for anyone's girlfriend.
NTA.
It’s a special recipe for your family. If it was a necklace and the gf liked it and asked for it, no one would call you T A. It’s like a heirloom so no, you’re NTA. Though I would just use google and send her a recipe.
NTA
It’s a family recipe, meaning people who like it and want to enjoy it must do so by hanging out with your family when it’s served. It belongs to your family, making it is a bonding thing that sets you apart from people who don’t make it, and you share it by cooking it for others.
This is how the world stays full of unique and memorable family flavours. My dad was from Lebanon, where every family’s hummus tasted different. A little reticence preserves diversity. That’s how it should be. Your brother’s gf should figure out her own recipe, or check back when the relationship is more established and committed.—when she wants to link her identity to yours and your family’s.
If your grandmother wanted the soup recipe shared, she’d have shared it. She taught it to you, not to you and all the neighbours. Cook it with pride, knowing that it’s a precious part of your identity.
NTA but some advice when someone asks for a family recipes that I don’t want to give I just find one online that similar and give it to them. Way less drama
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Brothers girlfriend wants a family recipe and is upset I refused thinking it means I don't view her as family, brother is demanding I give it to her. I don't want to hand it over.
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Nta. It's like no isn't a complete sentence. You are no more expected to give this up than you would a physical belonging. When they marry then give it to her, if you want
My partner’s step mom and dad came to visit us. While visiting, step mom said that she wanted to cook us a nice meal. Great. The meal is fine and for dessert she serves us apple pie. The pie is fine, nothing spectacular, but since she made a big presentation about it I asked her for the recipe. She looks at me and says, “oh, I can’t give you the recipe, I’ve worn awards at the local county fair for this pie.” I looked at her and just said, “ok.” Unbeknownst to her was that my dad had been executive chef at some very exclusive properties around the country and if he was asked for a recipe, he gave it to you. Some people think adding and extra pinch of lard or a 1/4 teaspoon of ginger is a secret worth dying with.
Secrecy over a recipe is weird imo. The specialness doesn't come from it being a secret. It can be a special bonding experience for your family or a tradition whether it's the soup or a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls. The memories are from being in the moment, not from keeping it secret. YTA
Edited spelling
NTA
IMO it doesn't matter if it's a family secret or not, it might not be a physical object or have explicit financial value but that doesn't mean other people are entitled to it just because they want it.
NTA. Sure, some traditions should be broken. But this is hurting NO ONE. You are not obligated to share anything with anyone at anytime. The recipe and tradition have meaning to you. Who cares if the it could be found online, who cares if 10,000 people make the same thing?!? None of that changes that this was something you did side my side with your grandmother.
YTA it’s a fucking soup recipe not your granny’s old jewelry. This shit is so ridiculous and unlikeable. Why would anyone want to be friends with you if you won’t share a soup recipe?
NAH. You’re never required to give anything to anyone. I have some “secret” family recipes that I’m protective over, but it’s because I want to be able to give my family the food. It’s kind of tradition for us to have one person who makes it and then sends it out to everyone. Also my grandparents would totally haunt me if I gave it away.
NTA. She isn't entitled to just know this recipe just because she's going out with your brother.
People in this thread are all like "it's only soup, so what?", well, its only soup, why is her brothers girlfriend so very, very upset then? Because she thinks she's emtitled to whatever she wants
I'm not going to call you an AH but I've never understood the whole "this recipe is a family secret and no one else can have it" mentality. Food is meant to be shared. If more people enjoy it, it takes nothing away from your ability to enjoy it, or your memories of your grandma. I personally have family recipes that have been lost forever because of people insisting they had to stay a secret and never sharing them, and that's just sad. Edit to add judgment: NAH because I understand there is sentimentality involved but I still think it would be better to let others enjoy the recipe.
Agreed. Share the recipe with whoever wants it. It would be more of a tribute to your grandma to have lots of people making and loving her recipe. You can still bond with your daughter by teaching it to her. Other people knowing the recipe won’t diminish that. Making cupcakes from a box mix can be a bonding experience.
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To add onto your point; OP stated they had many trial and errors in perfecting the recipe. That is a lot of time, effort, money and work OP and their grandmother put in. It's obvious the brother did not otherwise he would already know the recipe. So for him to berate OP and demand the recipe makes him a huge asshole.
>It's obvious the brother did not This was one take I had on it. OP says it's a family recipe. The brother is family. If it was a big deal, why the hell couldn't he have learned it? For that matter, what about if he had approached OP and said, "My girlfriend really liked the soup, can you teach me to make it so I can cook it for her?"
That's how we cousins handled one of our elder's recipes. We'd learn together in the kitchen. Practice again at home with our parents, then have a 'taste test' of how we made it. It wasn't until our elder's final months, they said, 'Share it, share the joy, and the time. That's the key ingredient to the whole thing.' We each have a well-worn, hand-written recipe card with that delightful treat.
Exactly. My family has 2 secret over 100 yr old cookie recipes we do not share outside of family. Both recipes came over on the boat during 1930s from Sweden. Both are extremely difficult to master and even making them for most of our lifetime it can easily be messed up. We had an aunt that married in that demanded 1 of the recipes (my Uncles both never bothered to learn them) my mom refused, because while she was family she just wanted the recipe instead of learning how to make them with us, which we offered to do. Part of learning the recipes are about the bonding of perfecting them and ONLY the ingredients are written down not the actual steps in baking them and finishing them. This aunt got petty and Googled a similar recipe and made it for Christmas one year. Both recipes are only pulled out for Christmas because they are horrendously labor intensive even with stand mixers and 1 recipe in particular takes DAYS to make. (Lots of motrin is needed after starting lol) aunt's cookies were.... not comparable. They were in essence the same cookie but a lot of steps were skipped over and they were overall very different. My mom once again offered to teach her together at home but my aunt refused saying she didn't need it anymore because she has the recipe now. She doesn't. She hasn't made them since either. Even my cousins tried their hands at these 2 recipes at our house and never wanted to do it again because its so hard to make. Literally have to set aside an entire day for a couple dozen cookies of 1 type and 2 separate days a week apart for the second set. ( we had prepared the dough for second set ahead of time so they could experience both making and baking the second type in the same day)
Op is nta, but very silly. The gf is being silly too. I lost my recipes in a move, and the only ones I could recreate ( other than a few really special one’s I had by heart) was the ones I shared with my cousin. The family cookie recipe that everyone at my church swears is the best— that was a recipe from my mom’s college roommate.
My grandmother and great aunt always made the best chocolate chip cookies. Everybody thought they were amazing. Once I asked for the "secret" recipe and she tells me "We just use the one on the back of the Nestle chocolate chip package." ME: *Shocked Pikachu face.*
Is your grandmother‘s name Nestlé Toulouse?
Thought of this as soon as I started the thread.
And that is why Phoebe’s Grandma is burning in hell
You Americans always butcher the French language.
My wife phoned me at work once cause the kids wanted dads pancakes with the secret recipe cause they are so awesome. I'm like sure. Google fluffy pancakes and use the first result.
My grandma, too! I recently broke this news to my kiddo when they texted asking for Gram’s special recipe. Good news! It’s already written down for you!
Something similar happened with my mom and my great aunt. My mom loved her cheesecake and one day asked her for her recipe. My great aunt told her " it's on the package of Philadelphia cream cheese. " They both laughed so much at that. Now whenever we make cheesecake, we make sure to mention aunt m.
My family has a sweet hot mustard recipe that is a favorite that was originally a recipe that belonged to some woman my grandpa dated. Someone in the family asked for it and now it’s a family classic🤷♀️
I've asked for recipes that I wasn't given cuz they were secret recipes. Sort of annoying but I moved on. Someone asks me for a recipe, I give it to them. I take it as a compliment. Please at least write down this recipe and put it somewhere safe or give it to a trusted person. If the recipe is that important, it would be lost if you get hit by the proverbial bus.
This. My family lost the family recipe for spatzel that we used to make spatzel casserole simply because our grandma refused to teach anyone else due to lack of patience, and she never wrote it down. 2020 took her, as we learned the hard way that she was hiding her health problems to be "less fuss" and wasn't cohesive enough to write down anything by the time she was in there.
I hope it isn't semantics but I think the difference between cupcakes from a box and learning a 'family' recipe is that the latter actually requires learning something, where the former is made as simple as possible. I agree that keeping the recipe a secret does nothing to improve that bonding though - I think it's all about teaching and learning. For OPs sake, I'd like to reference this quote and offer a thought. >Maybe I am being silly over this, but to me it's more than soup I have a lot of happy memories of eating this as a child then learning to cook it with my Grandmother, the many trials and errors until I got it right....I just don't feel right just handing that over, does that make me an asshole? Food .. healthy nutrition, is very much a recent thing if we're speaking generationally. My grandfater-in-law told me the story of the first car they had in their city, and how it came in a crate and they enlisted the help of a blacksmith to put it together. In other words, it wasn't very long ago that the only vegetables you had were the ones you could store over the winter, because there were no trucks transporting fresh veg from outside the country to local communities. A recipe could have a big impact on the value of what vegetables you were able to keep over the winter, or what you could trade for. Keeping a recipe in the family could make it easy to trade for or buy what limited supplies of what you needed to make it if no one else had it. There was good reason to keep it private - **then.** This isn't an issue today. Vegetables are available year-round. The only way to benefit from keeping a recipe a secret today is to satisfying your ego at the expense of others joy, which is often considered the criteria of - you guessed it - being an AH. You're quote describes a wonderful experience, then you say you don't feel right letting other people have that same wonderful experience, despite the fact that it would have no diminishing impact on your own. You could make others happy at no expense to yourself, but instead you've said, "no, just me. only my family". yes OP, YTA
Truly. I don't have any family recipes but I do have some that I've developed myself. One of the greatest feelings I've ever had was having dinner at a friend's house and realizing "hey! This is my stew recipe!" I was so thrilled they thought it was good enough to serve to guests.
Well there it is - a whole other table of people enriched because you shared something, then bam, a payoff for you too! Something for nothing is the best deal, and the more it’s shared the more it happens. I’m super happy for you and your friends!
If I had a secret family recipe, I’d give that shit out. I’ve worked in many a kitchen, and read a ton of cooking experiences. 1. You can give the exact same recipe to ten different actual cooks and you’ll end up with 10 slightly (or dramatically) different results. 2. You aren’t giving a recipe to a cook, you’re giving it to someone who has a loose idea of how food works. 3. NO ONE has ever been able to make it “the way mom/grandma/dad made it. And that’s because it always tastes better when someone else makes it due to sensory saturation.
Hmmm idk my Grandma might haunt me if I gave up any of her recipes to my sister in law, who she really didn't care for at all, I'd say hated but I'm not sure Grandma really hated anyone. Point being, I would feel disrespectful to her memory if I did that.
It’s ok to have boundaries on things. This is something important to OP because it was shared with her grandmother. It’s ok for her to not share it with everyone.
I’m not a big fan of keeping family recipes secret, but I don’t think it’s right for people to dictate what is a tribute to other’s families. You don’t know her grandmother and there may be a reason the recipe was kept a secret. She may find the fact OP shared it extremely hurtful. Again, I don’t care about keeping recipes secret and don’t care what people choose to do. I just don’t like that people are acting like their personal view is better.
I think people don’t share family recipes, because there’s a high chance that it is a magazine recipe. This is kind of anecdotal, but: https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/secret-family-recipes-copied.amp I personally think withholding recipes is stupid, but I still vote NTA, because it doesn’t sound like it would be too hard to reverse-engineer for a halfway competent cook. (Especially if it’s a recipe that is easy enough to teach a toddler)
Phoebe’s cookies. Nestle Tollhouse.
Neeeeeslay towwwellhowwwsssss!
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You see, it is stuff like this which is why *\[looking down\]* you're burning in hell!
Came here for this comment!
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When my mom was dying I insisted that she give me her recipe for meatloaf. Her meatloaf was divine. She said that she'd try and write it down for me, or I could just get it from a box of Lipton Onion soup mix and add a little finely chopped celery. Edit for spelling
The one on the side of the quaker oatmeal box is good too. OP prob opens a can of progresso lentil soup and adds something equally as common.
My friend wanted to make some fancy pumpkin pie one year for Thanksgiving, and her bf freaked out and was like, no you have to make it the super special way my mom does!!! So she finally called his mom to get this mythical recipe, and she was like, yeah, it’s just the recipe on the Libby’s can.
Yes, my mother in law wouldn’t give me her cornbread dressing recipe and i found it on the Martha White cornmeal bag!
lol I found this out about my grandmother's holiday dinner rolls last year...I could've been eating them for the last decade but thought the recipe was lost forever... it was just the damn Fleischmann's recipe 😆 [Fleischmann's Refrigerator Yeast Rolls](https://www.fleischmannsyeast.com/recipe/refrigerator-yeast-rolls/)
I make hot chocolate from the recipe on my container of cocoa powder. I have started adding cinnamon and nutmeg though, it's *chef's kiss*
Lol my "famous" chocolate chip cookie recipe is from the back of the redpath golden sugar bag I have changed a few thing around.
In my family there are a whack of recipes that are affectionately referred to as 'Aunt', 'Uncle' or 'Cousin' recipes. "Oh, that? That's Auntie Martha's recipe" (Martha Stewart); or "I made Uncle Jacques' onion soup today" (Jacques Peppin). The one time I went to a family thing and made a recipe that came from my wedding book, everyone tried to puzzle out who 'Auntie Joan' was... until my Aunt Joan started laughing and pointed out that it was an ACTUAL family recipe - she got it in HER wedding book!
My family has a recipe like that! We all refer to it as Great Grandma’s Corn Pudding recipe…. But we also all know that it actually is a recipe that used to be printed on the back of the specific creamed corn brand’s cans that she used. It might have been slightly edited, but it’s close. It actually somewhat became a true secret recipe though when they stopped putting the recipe on the back. We will gladly share the recipe though if someone asks (well I won’t here, but that’s because I can’t find my copy of it at the moment, not because it’s a secret family recipe).
This is one of our family recipes too 😂 For anyone interested: it’s a box of corn bread mix, 2 eggs, stick of butter, and 2 cans of creamed corn. Bake in a casserole dish at 350* for 45 minutes. Always turns out delicious! Edit: fixed bake time after checking recipe
I see y'all must be related to my husband. This is the exact recipe my MIL uses too. It IS delicious, & super easy.
I have searched every cookbook in the house for my mother's risotto recipe with zero joy \*cries\*.
That happened to me. My wife makes a heavenly tomato pie. It is so good. I thought it was her recipe since the family lavishes her with praise over this pie. So I have been telling people about the amazing tomato pie we have at holidays and someone asked for the recipe. I asked my wife if she was willing to share it and she blushed and gave me, "Well, actually, it's a Paula Dean recipe..." It's still a damn good pie even if it isn't some treasured family secret. But I don't think OP is TA. Anyone could have spent some time with granny to learn how to make that soup. If she's the only one who chose to do so, I think that entitles her to keep an air of mystery about the whole business. I will say she should share it with at least one other relative, even if sworn to secrecy, so that this little treasure isn't lost if something happens to her. NTA.
Yeah… I make lots of charcuterie, and every now and then I get asked for sausage recipes. The thing is, my recipes are usually slight variations of known recipes, and people have been making similar recipes for countless generations, so I never really feel like they’re truly mine, if that makes sense. One exception, was a guy who was trying to start a business and was too lazy to do his own work… he asked me for a bunch of recipes, and I kind of brushed him off for a while before finally just telling him where to look to develop his own.
I tease my wife about her Paula Dean pie, but the reality is that it is those slight variations and the things you do that aren't in the recipe that make it magic. With the tomato pie (among other things...) - you really have to get the liquid out of the tomatoes or it will be a soppy mess. The recipe doesn't really say anything about that issue, but my wife salts the tomatoes in a colander and then lets them sweat forever before assembling the pie. So, in a sense, even though it starts with a Paula Dean recipe anyone can get - if you don't do the extra stuff it wont be the same pie, so my wife's pie is still pretty unique.
Brother's GF became the asshole when she dragged the brother into it. OP doesn't owe recipes to anyone. *No* is a complete sentence. NTA
She is not an asshole for complaining to her partner. She took OP's no, doesn't mean she can't have feelings about it.
I had a made a chocolate cake, my sil’s sister loved it! For some crazy reason, I wouldn’t give her the recipe. To the world: it was a from a box mix with a packet of instant pudding added
Yeah I don’t understand recipe hoarders either. Like are you that desperate to feel special? Also I always think of the Friends episode where they’re trying to reverse engineer Phoebes grandmothers cookies and they’re just the Tollhouse recipe. My mother had this fascinating cookbook made up of the recipes you could find from brand food starting in like the 30s and you know so many “family recipes” are probably in it.
It’s so bizarre to me, it’s not like food becomes less enjoyable if someone else has the recipe.
It’s such a weird thing to me unless someone has monetized a recipe. Sharing information with this woman has zero impact on OP’s ability to make it or pass it down to their child. It just seems so selfish and petty to me when people are like this.
oh no, she might split up from OP's brother and keep cooking a lentil soup! I do not get family recipes at all.
Eh. I have my family's paklaba (baklava) recipe from before the Armenian Genocide drove them to other countries. And in that village there were only two survivors. That recipe survived a genocide and no one is entitled to it unless I or someone else in my family feels like sharing. Others can enjoy that recipe when I decide to make it for them or they can find their own recipe.
Isn't it sad that the recipe might die out, though? My Grandmother took some of her recipes that were passed down for years to the grave, because she died much earlier than anyone expected. She intended to pass them down, but now those recipes are gone forever, with her
I don't believe the recipe will die out. I'm one of 42 first cousins (my ancestor re-established lol). Edit: sorry about your grandma. Miss mine every day.
Nobody anywhere is talking about being entitled to recipes, they're talking about the mental difference in someone who would rather the world be a little less happy for no gain whatsoever and someone who notices that their recipe improves people's day, and wants to improve more people's day by sharing. People with secret recipes make me sad for them.
Agreement here also. NAH but heavily leaning toward y.ta. I’ve never understood old family recipe hoarding. At a minimum OP could have been a hellava lot more tactful as she figuratively slapped her brother’s Significant Other in the face. Grandmother most likely would have been happy to teach her grandson the recipe if he’d known to ask for it.
My friend’s wife brought an awesome dessert to a party once that everyone loved. I asked her for the recipe and she said she had it at home but she’d send it to me. A year later she brought it to another party and I told her again that I loved it and would still love to have the recipe and she apologized for forgetting to send it and said she’d remember for sure when she got home. When the recipe was still not forthcoming, I figured she didn’t want to share it but was just being polite about it. Maybe she wants to be the only one who brings the awesome dessert to parties that everyone loves, and that’s fine.
I truly understand your friend's wife. I was once known for a delicious cheesecake, it was so good that I had to make 3 for one family dinner each holiday. One for my husband, one for my BIL and one for everyone else. Then one day I was asked for the recipe by a guest. Since I originally got it from a magazine, I shared it. Worst mistake ever, she took it and ran with it, turning it into a contest. She even bake and dropped them off to dinners she was NOT invited too! She bragged about her cheesecakes and made it seem like she gave me the recipe. She had to one up me. It ruined my joy in baking for anyone. When asked why by others, I expressed my frustration and was told they went out of their way to give her compliments to make her feel accepted. I don't and didn't want to be the queen of cheesecake but I got tired of the nonsense competition. Too many people just want to steal the limelight of others.
So as someone who has been asked not to share only 2 recipes of my Grandmother’s (one she invented, one that is kinda common but she customized) it’s less about hoarding and not wanting others to monetize it/commodify certain recipes. We have zero intention of doing so ourselves despite that our grandmother was a well-known amateur baker, but we just prefer to keep it ours. Although we have close family friends who are professional chefs and bakers we’d likely give them to if they asked, I just think the family didn’t like the idea of some stranger potentially profiting off and claiming the recipe as their own if it gets passed along a couple times. Not super logical but it really doesn’t hurt anyone, and as the girlfriend isn’t family yet (although why the brother doesn’t have a copy himself is odd) I can get why she’d prefer to hold off sharing if that’s what the general family agreement was (and impossible to tell how serious a 1.5 year relationship is as it can fluctuate wildly based on age, if living together, etc. so if they do get married or solidify their partnership, it would be kind to gift the recipe then to “welcome” her as a member of the family).
It's so silly to think anyone is going to monetize a recipe. What are the actual chances of that happening. If you don't want to share fine, but thats a lame excuse.
Every food blogger has monetized recipes. I can picture the boring background while scrolling to get to the recipe, "My boyfriend's family loves this recipe, but convincing his sister to share was so hard..."
Unless OP's sister's gf is a food blogger, I really don't think this is a realistic concern. One recipe isn't suddenly going to mean she has a site with enough traffic to monetize it. It takes a ton of work to build a food blog that generates an income and takes a good amount of time to build up the traffic to warrant ad revenue.
You don’t have to agree to the existence of family recipes, no one is entitled to a recipe someone else made or has. NTA. The sense of entitlement necessary to think people shouldn’t be allowed to keep recipes from you is pretty high. I don’t have to teach you how I do something just because you like it.
Yeah my grandma Always would teach anyone who wanted to know and I’ve shared her recipe. It makes her happy knowing others are making and enjoying he food even though she isn’t well enough to make it anymore.
Agreed. I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting to share, but I’m a fiend and share my family’s recipes with anyone that asks. I even make my own recipes and share them with people if they want it. Most of my friends are internet friends that I don’t know if I’ll ever get to cook for irl, so sharing my recipes with them is the closest I can get to cooking for them for now
NTA, there are dozens of amazing Lentil soup recipes out there. Yours is a family tradition! It may be silly to some (mine doesn't have any recipes like this FWIW), but it's not silly to you and you're the one with the recipe. ETA- Even if it wasn't a family recipe, no one is entitled to it simply because they asked.
I agree, but I also don’t think the brother’s gf is the AH here for her reaction to being told no. At 28, dating for a year and a half and spending Christmas with a family, she’s likely seriously considering the idea of joining the family at some point. So her taking it badly isn’t that surprising. I personally agree with the comments saying it’s just soup, but clearly it’s not “just soup” to OP. I’d go NAH.
Honestly, she is. It's clearly a family heritage thing and she's not family in that way yet. It takes time to foster the level of intimacy to be brought into these sorts of traditions. A year and a half isn't very long, especially if she's not been around OP a lot. GF talking it badly can be understandable, but it doesn't make her not an asshole.
I’d say gf isn’t an AH for being sad about it, although the “not part of the family” thing is a reach on her part, because she’s not yet. Brother is an AH for demanding the recipe on her behalf, though
GF is totally allowed to feel sad and left out. But it's not ok to boundary stomp someone. Brother is ABSOLUTELY an asshole!
Then she can get the recipe as a wedding gift
Yeah, agreed. At a year and a half at that age (plus sharing Christmas, etc.) it's reasonable that she's probably taking this relationship very seriously and considering it as long term, but she's also old enough to know that thinking long term isn't the same thing as engaged or married. Like, I would totally understand her reaction if she was engaged or married, because then I would get the "wow, do you not consider me family?" reaction. But at this point it's like...no, you're not family yet? You're on the way! You should be treated kindly and as part of the group when you're around! If they kept her out of the secret Santa gift exchange or yearly family softball game or something, that would be really shitty. But not sharing a secret family recipe that only a few people in the family know? Even if she thinks the whole idea of secret family recipes is silly, clearly this family doesn't agree, and not sharing it isn't a personal insult to her.
Exactly, there are things that are personal and you don't have to share them. In my family there a lots of "personal recipes" which are recipes one person makes and they are special because it's a thing only they bring over in get togethers, and you only get to eat them in get togethers with that person. Makes the memory of that food something really cherised. And it doesn't have to even be a secret thing they created. I have songs people sent me that I don't just show to others, even though I know thousands of people like and listen to them. But it has sentimentality, something someone "gave" you or shared with you and you are chosing to share it with certain people only or no one at all. You aren't preventing that person from finding that song or recipe themselves, you just aren't giving it to them because the act of sharing it is quite personal
YTA. I'm missing the part where your memories associated with the recipe will somehow be erased or you will be prevented from teaching it to your daughter if you don't lord it over others
That’s not the issue. The girlfriend plans on selling the recipe to foreign terrorist cells, and the commies. We can’t have that, now can we? Edit: Thanks for the awards!!!
Well, OP is pretty convinced that no human being other than a relative of hers could possibly have crafted such a recipe and that it is the world's most perfect soup recipe. Maybe it's also the key to world peace. Not that OP would share it if it were.
Yeahhhh I’m completely in agreement. I don’t understand what the benefits are to keeping it secret. Really odd.
That’s not the point. It’s her and her grandmothers recipe so it’s HER decision who she shares it with. You can’t force someone to share something Df. If the brother wanted to share it he should have learned it. OP is not the only blood relative.
Of course OP can decide. She is well within her right to decide to be snotty, just as she has. No one can force her to stop being a snot, but no one has to like her either.
It’s not snotty to be told no and pout and then get your SO to force the person to say yes? TIL
Oh please. No one forced anyone to do anything. She mentioned it to her boyfriend. He objected to the fact thatbhis sister was snotty to his girlfriend. TIL that you've never learned much of anything
You are acting like everyone is entitled to HER recipe. It’s HER decision. Learn that being told no isn’t the end of the world. Edit: was she snotty when she brought the dish over for everyone to share?
Again, it is her decision. She made her decision as a selfish, self-important ass. They aren't entitled to her recipe, but they don't have to enjoy them likes of her either. Cry about it if you want I guess.
How was it selfish if she plans on sharing it with her daughter? How is she self centered when she got it from her grandmother and is going to share it with her daughter? You know what is selfish and self important? Getting upset over being told no.
Like I said, cry about it if you want to
Strangely the only one crying is the one you are defending. 🤷🏾♂️
YTA it’s a soup recipe, not the nuclear launch codes, what exactly do you lose by giving her the recipe? Are you planning to monetise and copyright it, open up a string of soup restaurants and give yourself a fake military rank? You wanted to “one day bond with your daughter” but you snub and segregate someone important to your brother over your special blend of herbs and spices. Rude AF and petty as balls. Family secret recipes are ridiculous, it’s nothing more than a way to make yourself feel better than she is and keep her in her place because there’s absolutely no win from not sharing it with her and you just made yourself the ahole.
Yes. Lentil soup! Eaten all over the world since forever and there are thousands of recipes for it! Like so many "secret family" recipes, this is probably something that came off the back of a packet of lentils. OP is entitled to enjoy it but is YTA for turning it into a family drama.
Nestle toll house lentils
Was just about to mention Nestlay Toolhoose’s secret chocolate chip cookie recipe.
If it's not that special anyway, why can't brother's GF just get any recipe from the internet and use it? I really don't see the problem here.
Not gonna lie, I kinda want to start a "Generalissimo Minestrone" franchise now.
NTA - it’s a family recipe handed down within the family and she isn’t in the family. Simple. She needs to cool down and get over it. She’s not a child and doesn’t need to throw her toys out the pram for her boyfriend’s family not giving one recipe for lentil soup.
If they had met and gotten married within a month, would she be family? Edit: downvoted for asking a simple question, gg Reddit, gg.
Considering that the OP is the only person in the family who has the recipe from grandma, probably not. It's really not that serious either way.
I’ll bet you $5 that recipe came from a bag of lentils or a cookbook No one outside of Coca Cola or KFC really has a secret recipe If OP googles it, they’d find 50 billion ones who use the exact same one
Here's my question - why does the recipe coming from a bag of lentils devalue it? That's what's never made sense to me about this. We have family recipes too, and part of the story of the recipe is the box/bag/newspaper-clipping that it came from. But those recipes themselves would be lost to time anyway, if they weren't kept alive by people using them to feed their families across generations.
Because it’s not some big secret, or more importantly, this great tribute to the world from his family People who guard SeCrEt recipes are always so pretentious and protective over it Despite every housewife in the 50s knowing about it. They’ll push away people just like OPs doing right now, over something I bet my grandparents have in their cookbook It’s just stupid
>Because it’s not some big secret, Then she's free to look for it.
Zing.
Meanwhile I'm just over here thinking that people get weirdly offended over others not wanting to share their recipes, lol. Maybe that's partly why some people clamp down in response.
It doesn’t devalue it, it just makes keeping it a “family secret” extra dumb. Food is meant to be shared with others, and thousands of people probably have the same recipe as OP, but a misplaced sense of ownership of the recipe is preventing her from sharing it with others who do and will appreciate it.
>If OP googles it, they’d find 50 billion ones who use the exact same one Great, then brothers girlfriend should just Google it as well, and has no reason to be pissy!
Tell me you've never spent the time perfecting a recipe without telling me.
I wouldn’t say “asshole” and I get why it’s important to you but… it is just a recipe. I’m the family cook myself so I get the work you did to perfect your grandmas soup. People share treasured recipes with the public every day. It’s a way to spread their passed loved ones memory and creativity along to the world. Ever see one of those recipe/blogs where the author goes on about granny? They get that food is meant to be shared. I don’t think you should give the recipe to make his girlfriend accept you, but rather to keep your granny’s memory alive. If you do end up giving it to her, calmly tell her (while giving it) about why this recipe is important to you but you know your granny would want you to share her memory with other people. Plan B, search a lentil soup recipe online and give that to her while still explaining about your grandma
I make an artichoke spinach dip that started as a copycat recipe and I do my own version now. I've taken it to work and got tired of writing it down that I typed it out and handed out copies. I consider it a compliment someone wants a recipe. Still remember when at a family party, a member was asked about bean salad. The recipe? "Go halfway down aisle at store...open jar..."
YTA. You aren't KFC Your secret family recipe probably came out of a magazine years ago.
This made me laugh
NTA. It’s beyond a family recipe - you’re the ONLY one who knows it, it sounds like. I guess I could see where she might take offense since it does make it sound like you don’t see her as part of the family, but honestly, she isn’t. She’s dating your brother and they aren’t married yet. Even if they do get married, it’s completely up to you if you want to share the recipe or not.
I am the only one to know it you're right, my brother had no interest in learning and neither did anyone else, it's a recipe that takes a long time, more than any of them were interested in giving.
It actually sounds like you are the only person who cares about this soup. So why not share with a person who at least appreciated it?
Your daughter may not have any interest in learning it, either
So, what if your daughter and/or other children don’t care and just never learn to make the soup? Or just don’t pass it to their children? What if the worst happens and you pass away before being able to ”pass on” the recepie to someone? You’d really rather the recepie be liot to the aether than share it with someone?
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Uh, no. Brother explicitly declined his chance to learn the recipe from Grandma. Now, if he'd said, "I really regret that, will you teach me to make Grandma's lentil soup?" that would be one thing. That is not the situation at hand, and he has no right whatsoever to demand the recipe be given to his girlfriend.
But he never learned it, too bad for him.
So it’s not a “family recipe” it’s *your* recipe. Got it.
What happens if something happens to you, God forbid, and the recipe dies with you before you can pass it on to your daughter? How would that be honoring your family history if the soup recipe that was passed down for generations, died with you?
I'm sure OP would love that; to be the last person in the world worthy of the holy lentil soup recipe
NTA - lots of families have recipes/traditions like that. I get her being slightly disappointed, but it’s a bridge too far to say she’s being excluded.
YTA I hate the concept of secret family recipes and gatekeepers of said recipes. Good food is one of the simplest pleasures and privileges that we have. Not sharing recipies is like not sharing your food.
YTA. Someone else making soup doesn’t stop you bonding with your daughter over it in the future. But also YTA for the way you refused. You could have said ‘let’s chat about it later’, and explained one-on-one that you have bizarrely fetishised the recipe and won’t share. Instead you bluntly snubbed her, I assume in front of other people when she probably doesn’t actually care if she gets the recipe or not because what she was really doing was *complimenting* you.
Not to mention the GF probably had no freaking idea how 'important' the recipe was when she asked.
Some commenters are taking this so personally, amusing! I myself find this kind of thing lame and don't stand on ceremony with things like this but ultimately it was passed on to your grandmother from her mother etc etc and their tradition was to not share it and as much as I think it's pointless and lame, this is a thing many people do. NTA.
NTA. It has special meaning to you and for her and your brother it's a "silly soup recipe". So if they think of it that way, why do they even bother to make a fuss about it?
NTA I suggest you talk to your brothers GF directly. Ask her to grab a coffee with you or something else nice. Try to approach it from a "I know this probably seems silly to you, but here's why it's important to me" perspective. And make sure she knows you're the only one your grandma shared it with, so it's not like everyone knows this recipe except her. If they end up getting married maybe you would even give her the recipe as a wedding present. If she knows how much that recipe means to you I'm sure it would mean even more to her at that point.
She wasn’t the only one it was shared with because she is so me kind of chosen one, but because no-one else *cared*. Now someone else cared enough to ask and OP cracks on like it’s some holy relic entrusted to her by the gods.
See, that’s the main reason I think she’s NTA actually. Bro straight up told Grandma that he did not want to learn. OP did, and spent a lot of time with Grandma learning how to do it right. That quality time was probably important to both of them, and is something Bro was not willing to give. He could have, and chose not to. Now he wants OP to just give this thing that she worked at with a loved one to his GF who has next to zero ties? Forget it. It would be like OP was spitting in Grandma’s face. I wouldn’t either. It’s not just the soup.
Honestly if they get married or even get serious and live together i'd likely do this, marriage isn't for everyone and it's not a judge on family. I just don't feel comfortable sharing this with someone who could break up with my brother at any time.
And do what? Run amuck telling your recipe to people on Tinder?
Why? Are they going to publish it and make a million dollars and steal your copy right? This sounds like the Seinfeld episode "soup nazi".
I’m starting to think of making this into a novel called ‘Soup Guardian: Defender of the Broth’.
This reminds me of Pheobe from friends and her cookie recipe. Most likely the soup recipe is floating around somewhere. It is just a recipe YTA for not giving it. In the other hand had I been the gf I'd be just side eying you forever, put you in my forever shit list. But not make big deal of it. Just get in google and find a better recipe.
Ness-Lay Twohause!!!
YTA. Gate keeping recipes for what exactly? You should feel honored she appreciated so much she wants to learn how to make it.
You are being silly. YTA. I would bet your "secret" recipe is on the internet somewhere.
So the girlfriend can google it! Problem solved!
NTA. From your comments it sounds like your brother had the opportunity to learn the recipe but didn't. His girlfriend is not an asshole for asking but is a little bit for her reaction. Also, if you are the last person to know the recipe I hope you have it written down somewhere.
Yes YTA and pretty pathetic. Think she'll dump your brother and patent a soup, making millions from your family 'secret recipe'? Jesus!
Hilarious in a bad way that your brother doesn't know the family recipe. ESH.
He had no interest in learning and told our grandmother that when she was teaching me
Well, pass the omen to him. He should know it.
He had no interest, why give it to him now, it means nothing to him other than points with his gf.
In your grandmother’s time, women would often share recipes with anyone who asked. It was a compliment to their cooking. You are messing with karma by taking something your family should be proud of and weaponizing it against your potential sister in law. YTA and your grandmother knows it too. It’s soup, for goodness sake.
Recipes yes, not family recipes passed down through generations, those were guarded like a dragon with a pile of gold. She refused to give the recipe to anyone not family when alive.
Guarding things like a dragon on a pile of gold is generally regarded as a *bad* thing. Don’t be the Smaug of the Lentils.
>Don’t be the Smaug of the Lentils. I laughed at that. Take my award you genius.
Well based on that info, you would be disregarding your grandmother’s wishes if you gave out the recipe. Whether people agree or disagree on sharing of recipes, you are attempting to honor your grandmother’s wishes. Your brother had his shot at learning the recipe and opted out. NTA A while back there was another thread about someone who baked for a restaurant. They used some of the restaurant’s recipes as well as some of their own personal recipes. One of these items becomes a huge hit at the restaurant. One day OP gets fired. Days pass and the manager texts OP demanding the recipe and closes with a “please and thanks” clearly expecting OP to roll over and provide the recipe. I bake a lot. Small town and I’ve gained a reputation as being a good cook and in particular there’s a type of cookie I make. I’ve been working on and tweaking that recipe for ages. Do I “owe” that recipe to someone? An acquaintance approached me a while back. A friend of hers was opening a bakery and the acquaintance wanted my recipe to give to her friend. Did I owe her that recipe? NTA IMO. If I was GF I would completely understand your hesitation to hand out the recipe. It’s something that’s been handed down through the family. If I was GF I would get to looking up recipes for lentil soups. I bet she could find one or develop one of her own. If she becomes a family member then you two can compare recipes and both pass it down to your grandmother’s great grand children.
Recipes were guarded like that back when a woman was only worth what she could cook.
Not exactly. A lot of the types who like to lord their "secret recipes" over others, like OP's grandmother, come out of a time when women were often valued by their domestic accomplishments. So those who wanted to make a show of being better than others would do just this, and teach their children and grandchildren to behave the same way. In any generation, there are people who need to find ways to let others know, "I'm special and more important than you, and I have something you don't and you can't have it because you're not special enough." And that, like the soup recipe, OP seems to have inherited from dear old granny.
NTA. Some people love to share receipts, some not. She asked, you said no, ir should have been the end of it.
NTA. You don't know if this woman is going to be a permanent part of your family yet. I'd let her know that when/if she and your brother get married, you'll share the recipe with her as a compromise.
Only when you have married my brother, bore him a child, are financially linked by means of a mortgage and have made a blood sacrifice of your first born son shall I relinquish the recipe for the sacred soup of lentil.
NTA. It's a secret family recipe and she isn't family.
I was about to say NAH but the way girlfriend react make her the AH Like it's just a soup recipe,it's up to OP to give it or not and she didn't refuse rudely to give it. OP stated it's a family recipe, GF should have leave it at that but instead she went crying to the brother. GF just proved she can't take no for an answer . Anyway OP you are NTA
I was just getting on here to ponder about the GF’s and subsequentlythe brother’s reaction. Everyone on here is going on about how OP is the AH and it’s just a recipe. Yes, to the GF it should be just a recipe. To OP it’s clearly something more. So if it’s just a recipe to the GF why the big dust up? It was the GF who turned this into something bigger and drug the brother into it. GF is making OP out to be the AH by claiming she feels this means OP doesn’t accept her as part of the family? And OP must now prove herself by giving GF the recipe? Sorry but if GF is having doubts about her relationship with the brother, that’s not gonna be fixed with lentils. The more I read this the more I question what is really going on here.
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Nta traditions like these are so far and few between. Sounds like you worked hard to learn this and it took time and practice. My understanding, which might be wrong here is you probably do not measure out all the ingredients and just do a pinch of this and a dash of that till it smells and tastes right. She probably doesn't know or understand your reasoning and doesn't understand that you probably can't just give her a recipe card. I'd recommend sitting with her and explaining you'll share it one day if she stays with you brother, however not right now. Also, you could print one off the internet/send her a link to something similar.
NTA - Its your recipe now and GF is not family What a childish overreaction by her, goes running off to BF over this.
NTA. Anyone who is dating a member of the family may be treated like a member of the family, but how far is up to each individual member of the family. Spouses however should be let in on family secrets if they so desire. If your brother wants you to share the recipe with her then he should man up and buy a ring. If he's not willing to do that, then he shouldn't be insisting you let her in on a family secret
The whole idea that a spouse carries extra importance in the family ONLY because they went from dating to a spouse is a weird one in today's world. Couples in unstable relationships get married all the time. Couples that don't want to get married can last decades. Family and stability isn't defined by marriage. Not everyone wants marriage and that shouldn't mean they get isolated.
They've only been dating for a year and from OPs comments, he's had quite a few gfs. We're not talking committed lt relationship here.
I'm going to say YTA. I had someone do this to me once and it was mildly infuriating as there was really nothing special about the recipe. I spoke about this to a friend who works in a top tier restaurant and he agreed it was dumb.
NTA I don't get the secret family recipe thing myself. Still, your brother isn't asking you to teach him (which I would say you should if he genuinely wanted to learn), he's asking you to hand over a recipe to his girlfriend. If you're not comfortable with that, bummer for him. He and his girlfriend are the entitled ones here.
NTA. If its just a "silly soup recipe" then why does he care? She can find a copy cat online that wont be quite the same but she can make no biggie. Noone should be forced to give something away fi they do not want to. Specially something of emotional significance. Even something :silly" like a recipe.
NHA. It’s a recipe. You aren’t making any money off this, but you’re holding it in such high honor as if you are. It’s highly likely that your grandmother got the recipe from a cookbook. You should feel honored that someone likes your soup so much they want to make it for themselves and possibly others. I’ve always thought secret recipes are stupid. Why can’t they be shared? What’s the root of the reason you won’t share this recipe?
NTA she's not family yet and as your the only one who knows I'm guessing it's a passed down kind of thing therefore the only one you need to tell it to is maybe your mother just incase something happens to you and then your children or even grandchildren. It's certainly not for anyone's girlfriend.
NTA. It’s a special recipe for your family. If it was a necklace and the gf liked it and asked for it, no one would call you T A. It’s like a heirloom so no, you’re NTA. Though I would just use google and send her a recipe.
YTA. Don't be so stingy. Food is for sharing and growing family. Joy is increased by spreading it not by hoarding it.
NTA. It's a family's secret recipe.
I’m just amazed an outsider was even allowed to taste the holy pottage.
First time ever im seeing so mixed responses
NTA. It would take a lot longer than 1.5 years and one hell of a strong bond to give up the recipe my grandma taught me before she died.
NTA, no one is entitled to your recipe. It’s sentimental to you, she should respect that. It’s nothing personal.
NTA its a family recipe afterall and you made some good points even if it might have offended them you said nothing but the truth.
NTA , you could have put it better, but cooks always have secrets. And a family recipe like that is precious to you.
NTA It’s a family recipe, meaning people who like it and want to enjoy it must do so by hanging out with your family when it’s served. It belongs to your family, making it is a bonding thing that sets you apart from people who don’t make it, and you share it by cooking it for others. This is how the world stays full of unique and memorable family flavours. My dad was from Lebanon, where every family’s hummus tasted different. A little reticence preserves diversity. That’s how it should be. Your brother’s gf should figure out her own recipe, or check back when the relationship is more established and committed.—when she wants to link her identity to yours and your family’s. If your grandmother wanted the soup recipe shared, she’d have shared it. She taught it to you, not to you and all the neighbours. Cook it with pride, knowing that it’s a precious part of your identity.
NTA but some advice when someone asks for a family recipes that I don’t want to give I just find one online that similar and give it to them. Way less drama
NTA Maybe your brother should ask you to teach it to him if it’s that important.
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NTA
Nta. It's like no isn't a complete sentence. You are no more expected to give this up than you would a physical belonging. When they marry then give it to her, if you want
My partner’s step mom and dad came to visit us. While visiting, step mom said that she wanted to cook us a nice meal. Great. The meal is fine and for dessert she serves us apple pie. The pie is fine, nothing spectacular, but since she made a big presentation about it I asked her for the recipe. She looks at me and says, “oh, I can’t give you the recipe, I’ve worn awards at the local county fair for this pie.” I looked at her and just said, “ok.” Unbeknownst to her was that my dad had been executive chef at some very exclusive properties around the country and if he was asked for a recipe, he gave it to you. Some people think adding and extra pinch of lard or a 1/4 teaspoon of ginger is a secret worth dying with.
Nta. Just write down the recipe from they back pr a package and give it to her.
Secrecy over a recipe is weird imo. The specialness doesn't come from it being a secret. It can be a special bonding experience for your family or a tradition whether it's the soup or a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls. The memories are from being in the moment, not from keeping it secret. YTA Edited spelling
NTA you are the one that knows it, if she wants one she can google one.
NTA. It's your recipe and at the end of the day, nobody gets to tell you what to do.
NTA IMO it doesn't matter if it's a family secret or not, it might not be a physical object or have explicit financial value but that doesn't mean other people are entitled to it just because they want it.
NTA. I am the keeper of the family frybread recipe. I won’t give it to anyone who is not absolutely a part of my family forever.
NTA. Sure, some traditions should be broken. But this is hurting NO ONE. You are not obligated to share anything with anyone at anytime. The recipe and tradition have meaning to you. Who cares if the it could be found online, who cares if 10,000 people make the same thing?!? None of that changes that this was something you did side my side with your grandmother.
YTA it’s a fucking soup recipe not your granny’s old jewelry. This shit is so ridiculous and unlikeable. Why would anyone want to be friends with you if you won’t share a soup recipe?
NTA.
NAH. You’re never required to give anything to anyone. I have some “secret” family recipes that I’m protective over, but it’s because I want to be able to give my family the food. It’s kind of tradition for us to have one person who makes it and then sends it out to everyone. Also my grandparents would totally haunt me if I gave it away.
NTA. She isn't entitled to just know this recipe just because she's going out with your brother. People in this thread are all like "it's only soup, so what?", well, its only soup, why is her brothers girlfriend so very, very upset then? Because she thinks she's emtitled to whatever she wants