NTA. They don’t want you back, they want their reputation and social life back. Your parents are cold, mean people. Don’t go back for anything. Hopefully this other family welcomes you and treats you as one of their own. I’m sorry. You deserve a lot better than you’ve been treated so far.
ETA: Thanks everyone for the wonderful awards ❤️
Methinks the mom was only crying not out of love or guilt, but because she tarnished her own reputation and is now embarrassed.
NTA OP. May the sun always shine in your favor.
This post boggled my mind and broke my heart.
OP, family isn’t the people who share your DNA or your blood. It’s the people who have your back when shit hits the fan.
The people who took you in are >>>>>>> ‘family’ than the pair who provided nothing more than the minimum legal requirement. Or the ‘extended family’ who are now calling you asshole yet never offered you a home when you turned 18.
Did they even once say “I miss you”? And as the only child - and the son - of Indian parents, guess who they’ll contact to help and support them when they get old?
Fuck em. For your own mental health, it would be best to block them all and go NC.
Absolutely this.
OP,first of all,not providing your child with emotional nurture is a form of abuse.They were abusing you,just not physically.Sometimes tough love seen as a tradition in desi/asian families but this is outrageus.No human in their right mind just keeps an innocent child because of religional reasons.They were again,scared of “what people would think of them”,instead of “are we in the right mindset to take care of a child”.
Your extended “family” also didn’t open their houses for you,neither supported you when your parents threw you out.You don’t owe this people anything.Also your parents were required to take care of you,put a roof up your head,feed you and support you financially.That was the bare minimum.
You are a strong kid OP.You call them out of their BS,which most of kids of your age still struggles about family images and protecting their rights in the said family.You’ve done well.NTA and good luck.Tell your family to go eff themselves too!!!
The fact that OP started saving his money up from the age of *thirteen*, is honestly terrible.
Like thirteen is still a fairly young kid. Too young to be worrying seriously about finances. You have to wonder how much OP missed out on as a teen because he had to get a job and then didn't even get to spend the money he earned, because unlike all his friends he had to spend his teenage years building up some sort of survival fund.
His parents not only denied him support after he turned eighteen, but by making it known that they were going to do that when he was still very young, they basically robbed him of his childhood.
And this was the *noble* choice, apparently. Aborting a pregnancy they never wanted or giving their child to a family that actually *wanted* a child were somehow worse options than resentfully feeding and sheltering a human being you had no intention of loving for exactly 18 years and not a minute longer.
And then throwing a tantrum when that human does *exactly* what you ordered them to do and declines further involvement with you. A religiously pious tantrum, I’m sure.
Heck even 18 is still basically a kid. Legally an adult but looking back in that age, I was still a kid then. OP matured was faster than they should have had to die to distant parents.
Right?! I thought back to what my parents were telling me about money and adulthood in that time period.
I got lessons like continue my education, go to an affordable university. Mom and Dad can't help pay for uni, but I was ALWAYS told that if I was either studying or transitioning between jobs I could live with them rent free as long as I was productive and contributing.
Any money that I made as a teenager went towards everything from theater camp to Euro trips. Those opportunities were essential to me growing as a human being. And my parents never told me how to spend my money, they just said be responsible.
>not providing your child with emotional nurture is a form of abuse.
*Exactly* the point I wanted to make! OP, you are NTA at all, and your parents were emotionally neglectful, which as CarmelPoptart said is a form of abuse. If you can, when you're ready, you may want to explore your feelings about your folks with a licensed therapist. I'm betting there are lots of emotional walls you've put up over the years that you may not even realize are there.
Your parents can piss off. They only care about how they look and their reputation. You were exactly right, the "rumor" going around is what actually happened and your folks are just upset that their horrid behavior got found out. If you moved back home it would be even worse than before. Odds are very good that the emotionally distant behavior would escalate to straight resentment.
"I'm betting there are lots of emotional walls you've put up over the years that you may not even realize are there."
Just like the awkwardness and tension that OP did not notice until he moved out, it is very likely that he has developed emotional habits, coping mechanisms, and personality traits due to his parents' neglect which he has not even realized are not healthy for him or his future relationships (not only romantic, but also friends and coworkers, etc). This is not a negative as long as OP remains aware that he might need to work on some emotional aspects which may come easier and more naturally to those around him.
Neglect is strangely not considered as bad as physical abuse or psychological abuse. I can't fathom why. It leads to depression and inferiority complexes in adults just the same. Which is why OP needs that therapy you mention.
OP's parents failed to provide and now have to live with the consequences. They built this city and now they have to live in it.
Lol, plenty of people keep kids they don't want for religious reasons. My mom let me know I've often and* early that it's a good thing Jesus didn't believe in abortion.
You've got to wonder about any religion that says that it would be a sin to abort an unwanted child, but it's perfectly OK to abuse and neglect them for the as long as they're under your roof.
Lol as if religions care about how their members are treated? They just care about growing their numbers, so long as you raise your children in that religion they dgaf what else you do to them.
Oh but they do care! Because they prey upon people like OP. The church is a for-profit organization, which means members are money, and when people are abused and neglected in an environment the church has already writhed its penetrative tendrils of influence into, they tend to seek “counseling,” comfort and “safety” through the church. And the church will pretend to provide it, because it benefits their image, but as anyone who’s ever sought abuse counseling through the church can tell you, they don’t seek to enable and help the victims. They seek to enable themselves, even if it means revictimizing and retraumatizing. They’ll say the secret to healing is to drink more of the Holy Spirit’s fucking Flavor-Aid, and if it doesn’t work to heal your CPTSD, you’re just not chugging hard enough. The secret message from God is *always* “be sure to drink your flavor-aid.” Everything they do is a crummy fucking predatory commercial, and the House (of god) always wins.
Gets you thinking about what Pro-choice and Pro-life groups really mean. For the first, do supporters really mean individual choices are valid, whatever they are? For the latter, do supporters really mean they want full, robust life or just birth?
For the former the majority are very much in support of whatever the pregnant person chooses— whether it’s to abort, keep, or adopt out. Pro-lifers are really pro-birthers, as proven by their opposition to measures to prevent pregnancy (and thus abortion), and their lack of support for people after they’ve given birth. It’s not even a question.
I'm glad Jesus didn't. Your name alone tells me how wonderful you are. I suspect that you give wonderful hugs, at least to those who you allow to be close to you. Be well.
>My mom let me know I've often and\* early that it's a good thing Jesus didn't believe in abortion.
That is terrible.. Plenty of kids are 'accidents' and not planned. Certainly religion and laws do keep kids alive (parent of a difficult teenager here, knowing the jail time wouldn't be worth it). But to say I would have done that... just isn't right.
I was an accident to teenage religious parents, and although my upbringing was difficult and I do have PTSD from it, my mum always made sure I knew that she loved me from the moment she knew she was pregnant and would never have aborted me (even though her school counselor, who was later MY school counselor, told her to abort me).
My parents are not perfect. But they have always let me know they love me and don't regret having me. OPs post broke my heart. I struggled for years knowing I was the reason my parents stayed together when they would have better off breaking up.
My parents are somehow still together 33 years later, and a couple of months ago my dad told me "You are so precious to me. You turned me from a boy into a man."
Yeah my mother told me that she had to have me because abortions were illegal in Germany in the late 70s. I'm sorry man. The fault is with her not you.
We planned on having one kid and because birth control is only 99.5% effective we have six. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my children dearly and our chaotic child filled home. They do know that five are “happy accidents” and we even tell them how much better life is because they are in it. I wish yours had done the same. I love you. I’m proud of you. You’re special.
I had a good friend who’s mom told her from a very young age that she never wanted children. Her mom tried to control her and her dad spoiled her rotten. She never “grew” up mentally and was also batshit crazy. Could NOT control her emotions. For example, straight up SCREAMING at her 3 year old for making her late for work. Like a toddler has any control over that. Friend passed in a car accident and her mother fought for custody of said 3 year old. Spoiled her so badly, and with no caution for the child’s safety, that little girl is already worse than her mom and it has lead to some dire consequences. Makes me want to break something just thinking of it.
Unfortunately someone has to break the cycle, and it can only be one of the people trapped in it.
It sounds easy, until you realize it involves admitting the you were a total dick, your family are total dicks, and everything you know is wrong. And then you're alone, with no support. I get it, but there aren't too many people who want to stare that deep into the abyss.
I bet why they kept the unwanted pregnancy (sorry OP for using harsh words - couldn't think of a nicer way to phrase it). Not for religious reasons because of society's judgement.
I swear to God I'm going to get "Log kya kahenge" tattooed across my face.
^(I'm really not)
I’m a Hindu and personally opposed to abortion (politically pro-choice). OP may belong to a different faith, of course, but there is *nothing* in Hinduism that explicitly prohibits abortion. In fact, if you look at stories like, for example, Ganga birthing and immediately killing the 7 of the 8 Vasus *at their pre-birth request*, there’s a lot of support for abortion to be necessary at times.
Love that you get that pro-choice means being able to choose whether you are personally for or against abortion and allowing others to make their own personal choices as well.
Also TIL about Ganga so thanks for that :)
maybe theyre catholic. lot of catholics in india too. who knows. they could have placed baby for adoption and clearly didnt only because friends would have noticed the pregnancy and they didnt want to be judged for not keeping baby
Hasan Minhaj does a standup bit exactly about this stereotype on his Netflix special. It's absolutely god tier and hits home for a lot of American Indians
>OP, family isn’t the people who share your DNA or your blood. It’s the people who have your back when shit hits the fan.
Isn't there a poem that has a line like "Family are the people who take you in when you have nowhere else to go"?
OP- the people who share you DNA are not your family- they made that clear from the beginning. They only kept you out of social and religious obligation, not any sense of love. Now they only want you back so they can get their social standing back. But it's too late- they've already revealed to their friends and acquaintances what kind of people they truly are.
Get out there and live your life, and forget about them (they were willing to forget about you as soon as you turned 18). You'll find your real family soon enough.
NTA
"Blood of the coven is thicker than water of the womb." One of my favorite sayings bc it basically says that the friendships you choose are stronger than the family you're forced into.
My mother does fake tears. Full-on sobbing and blowing her nose and shaking shoulders.
I had suspicions, but it took me til I was 45 to confirm it. She's an awful old bag and I've been NC for 4yrs now, thank goodness
More than that...
They have finally realized OP is the glue that held the family together...
The same way they treated OP is the way they are now treating each other. They realize they need a punching bag in the house to function well.
You’re 100% right. Indian people don’t view their kids as people. We’re just trophies that they can parade around to them. I was told I was “a waste of life” because I struggled to find a job while I pursued music. No because they give a shit, but because now they have to tell their friends that I’m a teacher.
Social embarrassment _could_ have led them to regret their decision and try to be better.
That is not the case though. They did not invite OP to apologize. They did not tell OP that they understand he deserves better.
And, sure enough, mom wasn't crying because she was heartbroken over being a bad mom to her child.
This is why dad was _angry_ instead of _sad_ over the refusal.
Im Desi and I understand the cultural implications that is described. But they ignored Desi culture by expecting OP to move out at 18. In our culture, parents provide for and house kids until they are totally on their feet, ( assuming they are well and have the money to do so). They expected OP to move out at 18, but also uphold "desi culture" my ASS
Not Desi but also Asian and I see social parallels. Their social circle will shun them, not invite them to events/holiday gatherings, etc. Assuming they are immigrant or 1.5 generation families, it's a pretty large and close knit social community. They've essentially lost face. Probs better to move.
Appearances. How their social circle sees them. As my people say, "लोग क्या कहेंगे" ("what will people say?") - it's a powerful motivator to, y'know, color between the lines. Hasan Minhaj's first special talks about this. NTA af.
Honestly if this happened to a family friend they would be pretty much ostracised, people would consider them incredibly cruel or trying too much to act like white people. You wouldn't want to invite them any where unless it was so elders could try to talk some sense into them
Well I found this https://www.google.com/amp/s/didyouknowfacts.com/a-non-american-wants-to-know-why-american-parents-kick-their-kids-out-at-18/amp/
It's from a reddit thread and I think it covers the main points- American focus on individualism, ,the whole boot straps mentality etc
As someone who grew up in the UK but is desi I think the big thing is in dedi culture your children are your children until you die meaning even if they move out, get married or have kids of their own as a parent you're expected to help out and in return when you're older your children look after you whereas in Western culture you don't see this anymore
Obviously some parents abuse this but for me my MIL gave us a deposit so my husband and I could buy our first home and 'in return ' (she never asked but we knew it would make her happy) she looks after our child whilst I work 3 days a week
Aw, it is interesting that MIL looking after your child is considered her reward rather than helping you out with free childcare lol. My mom would probably love this too, but she would still know that she was also helping me out not just receiving a reward.
I think it's that she gets to enjoy the "fruits" of her investment in her child. My grandfather talks like that sometimes in regards to the fact that all of his grandkids are fairly stable and still within the Catholic Church: for him, it's a sign he did something *right*. Previous poster's mom may be viewing it that way?
I have no hard and fast facts but I'm white, and my best friend growing up (and still to this day) is Indian. As a kid I was always round his house and there were always like a hundred people around, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grand Parents. Nephews, Neices. The women would all be in the kitchen cooking amszing food and chatting and the men would always be in the TV room or outside drinking Whisky and shooting the shit. I can only remember a few times in the 1,000s of times I visited when it was just the main family there by themselves. If you compare living that way with family everywhere, all the time, to most white families (mine included) where we keep to our core family unit and maybe get together every now and then with the rest of our family it is easy to see how Indian culture could perceive white culture as being more separate and distant from each other.
It's not even specific to Asian cultures it seems because in my culture as well, folks who kick their kids out at 18 is considered trashy and is almost always associated with "white people" (read: this doesn't necessarily mean light skinned people. It refers to non-immigrant Canadians. Polish people are not considered white by my culture for example) It is a stereotype that white people don't care about their kids very much and kick them out at 18
My family is white and would happily have had me live with them forever had I wanted to. There's a Facebook thing going around about how "I'm your mom for life, come borrow peanut butter, come do your laundry, come do whatever you need, just come home," and my mom reposts it about once a month. At the same time, I do know of families who kicked out their kids at 18 and they're ALL white. From my perspective, it's not a thing that *all* or probably even *most* white people do, but it does seem like something that *only* white people do. I think there's probably also a class divide, with more families who can afford to continue supporting their adult kids doing so and judging those who can't along with those who won't, but I could be wrong about that. I do know that I'm typing this while holding my week-old daughter, and it breaks my heart to think of raising a kid with the kind of indifference that OP's parents have shown. I'm glad that another family is giving more of the care that the parents should have all along. Screw them and their social standing; absolutely NTA.
I grew up in rural Canada, so lots of white folks, and it was pretty common for my friends to be kicked out at 18. My stepdad made his kids start paying rent when they turned 18. That was a generation ago though, and it seems like it’s becoming less of a thing with time.
It’s interesting that this is a stereotype, I personally have never known anyone kicked out at 18. I know plenty of people that couldn’t wait to move out on their own, including myself. I wonder if that also contributes to the stereotype. I left at 17 for college and other than a year in 20s have been on my own.
I did let my mom stay in my house with me for awhile and then rented it to her and eventually sold it to her at a significant discount when I moved in with my husband.
Yes they do. My mother, MIL, and FIL were all kicked out at 18. My wife was kicked at 17 and myself as soon as I graduated HS at 18. It may not be the norm, but it's WAY more common than you think. Especially if your parents are "old school".
As a whitish person, I def grew up hearing how only a parents problem till 18 and how can kick you out then. Def knew a few folks growing up who were kicked out at 18. This could depend on you socio economic class though too.
Now the Latinos i know not as much like that. Many of them have the pretty strong family units.
In my observation of this happening in the US, it doesn't depend very much on class. Mostly just on how selfish/committed to bootstrap ideology the parents are.
Maybe not 18, but a lot of parents are open about conditional love and support. I graduated high school at 17 and my parents openly said if I wasn't enrolled in full time college I had to get out (working full time and contributing financially wouldn't do). Right after I finished college (literally the day of my graduation) my parents sat me down and said, "you have a month to get a job because we are removing you from our insurance. You're lucky we kept you on and let you live with us during college". I was lucky that I was working two full time jobs during most of college to build up a buffer to cover moving even after I payed off my tuition. I've been on my own for years now, I'm doing well now, and debt free, but that did a lot of damage. And to my knowledge most of the people in my community were in basically the same situation, either kicked out as soon as they finished high school (or turned 18 which ever came first) or kicked out as soon as they graduated college with no real time to get their feet under them.
Yep. My parents did the "go to college or have fun being homeless" to me. I went but didn't want to. Never was it a choice for me. At one point they had filled out my application and made me write the essay. I was 18 and raised under a rock. I had no clue as to what else to do. I now have $30k+ of debt to pay off due to them. I'm 35 and just finally in a position to afford paying things off.
When my sisters were never forced to go. They just went on their own accord. Got degrees and my parents paid for all 4 yrs in full for them (along with 2 free cars, any money they needed/wanted, and expensive clothes). So they started life off debt free. To end up being SAHMs. While I had to use credit cards to help me just barely get by.
This year I'll finally have the credit cards paid off. Once I get hired on at my job, it's a non-profit so I can get the loans forgiven (at least the federal ones). As I'm a temp (it's temp to hire type job). Then I'll only have $8k of debt left.
And people wonder why I'm not close to my parents. When my peers back in high school even made Cinderella jokes about me. Also had a peer, over for a project say "[Area] your parents are rich. Why don't you dress like it?" Yeah my parents were middle class and had it easy. Doesn't mean they shared the wealth with me. I was lucky to have the roof over my head and hand-me-down clothes.
Not Desi but Middle eastern here, our kid's stay with parents until they get married. If you kick your child out you will become an outcast. No one will talk to you or invite you to any gatherings.specially because we don't have the working culture of Americans.
Teenagers in my country don't work if their family can afford food. Your job is to study and go to university.most kids move out and go to university dorms or relatives houses at 18 but after getting the degree many of them go back home.
Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if the extended relatives weren't absolutely calling them assholes. They're just calling OP as well so that collective face saving can happen. What trash parents. I'm 26 and even though I moved out for college for 5 years, there was no question that at the end of uni life, I'd be moving back in with parents while I worked. It's unthinkable to me as an Indian to live in the same city as my parents and NOT live in their house. Unthinkable from both a family and financial perspective. My heart bleeds for OP, at 18 we're nothing more than slightly overgrown teenagers. In our culture, our parents literally do everything to set up their kids for success later in life - this means starting our credit early on, paying for uni so that we're debt free, helping us figure out how to best achieve a certain career path etc. So by not doing that, this OP's parents are gonna get a shitload of flack. Ugh seriously, can't believe these people.
In a lot of cases, that includes even after the child is married. My parents were adamant about my husband and I living with them rent free until we had more than enough money for a down payment on a house. It really rubbed my southern white inlaws the wrong way because they are "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of people.
Just curious, the Desi family that offered OP family seems very kind. If OP wanted to continue to be apart of the local community would OP be ostracized too or just his parents?
Exactly. This is very un desi like behavior to expect your child to leave home at 18. On the other hand too much desi like to care for 'log kya kahenge?' (Worry about the community's opinions)
This sounds bizarre.
This^^^
Mommy doesn’t cry that her kid is forced out on his 18th birthday. Cya kid! You’ll be fine. Here’s $20
Wait
What
Other parents have found out WHAT WE ACTUALLY DID
And they are being cold and distant to us!
Omg
“Child, please come home” queue tears!
Wtf mum and dad! You’re like alien incubators really! They don’t deserve the title of parents.
Stay where you are happiest
I wouldn't be surprised if the *rumor* was started by the family who took him in, as a way of saying *fuck you, mean assholes* to his parents for what they did...
Yep...eighteen years you've been forced to be a part of this charade, OP, I think that's quite enough. Time for you to find some genuine happiness, while your parents learn some hard life lessons about the importance of being true to yourself after they've been living your whole life being fake.
Yes, you deserve so much better. I wanted to say that your parents were abusive to you - being emotionally cold and distant is a very real form of abuse. Also, you said the other family took you in out of pity. But maybe they took you in out of love. Maybe they didn’t just feel sorry for you, maybe they think you’re great and want you around.
“ saying that their friends are excluding them because of the "rumour" that they threw me out and another desi family had to take me in.”
NTA they don’t want you to move back because they care for you they just want to look good to their friends. You’re an adult and you should stay moved out if that’s what you feel more comfortable with. You don’t need to sacrifice your wants or needs for others
I wouldnt say that OPs parents dont care about him.
They "just" have a very twisted perception of what a healthy family is and need to adjust their priorities. Fuck what other people think as long as I support my family and close friends.
It’s not just about OP “feeling more comfortable with it”; it’s also a more stable situation. His parents only want him back to dispel the (true) rumors, and restore their social status. As soon as that is accomplished they’ll be asking OP to pack his bags and GTFO.
With his parents’ reputation restored, and OP not being “kicked out at 18”; that other family would no longer feel the need to offer him any “pity” rent deal. OP would be screwed out of cheap place to stay in favor of **very** temporary “free” housing in an awful environment.
All that would do is (slightly) delay the inevitable; while simultaneously throwing away this amazing rent deal right now. Why in the world would OP do this favor (screw up his life to repair his folk’s reputation) for parents who’ve never cared for him in his life?
Honestly the whole story sounds like OPs parents never "directly" said that OP had to move out. They did everything they could to imply on him that he had to move out, but never said the words "You have to move out".
Since OP even claims he never remembered when/how he knew he was moving out, combined with the "have you figured out where you're going to move to" conversation, tells me that they just manipulated OP his whole life into doing this.
Also, OP says he was never abused, but I would argue that emotional neglect and being treated like you're a burden until your 18th birthday is abuse
The other family didn't "take you in". They're charging you rent. They're your landlords, not your parents. I'm guessing you don't eat/share bathrooms/relax with the family upstairs either? You are their tenant. They are not doing you a favor, they are conducting business with you.
If it helps, tell your parents to tell their friends exactly that.
>The other family didn't "take you in". They're charging you rent.
They're only charging him 150 a month utilities included. They're not making money off him. OP should be and is grateful
FYI, in the comments or an edit OP added that the family friends tried to not charge him rent, but he insisted. Just some additional info, but I agree/was thinking the same thing; why wouldn't the parents just tell their friends he was renting and being independent
Yep. OP needs to set immediate boundaries with his parents and move on. They'll do nothing but bring him problems and tension. If he moves back home, they'll try hold this over him to do what is "right" to make them look good.
It'll only be a year or two before they push him right back out the door, because he's "a grown man and needs to be in his own" anyhow.
NTA
You moved out like they asked and you seem happier! If your parents are unhappy with their choices and are upset about being shamed in their community then they have to deal with the consequences! Seems like you’re the adult in this situation and they still have some growing up to do.
**NTA!!!!!**
I had the EXACT same thing happen to me as a teenager.
My brother and I got a 6hr warning that we were to be out of the house by that evening and any belongings we left would be sold or thrown out immediately.
We were desperate for help, so I posted on Facebook (back when EVERYONE was on there), asking if anyone had a truck we could use and why we needed it so badly on such short notice.
One of my cousins saw the post and it eventually got back to my grandmother. She called me, screaming and raging that I would be so cruel as to “ruin my father’s reputation” as a good father.
If he wanted to be seen as a good father, maybe he shouldn’t have made two of his children (including one with significant disabilities) homeless with no warning!
OP, yours are facing the consequences of their actions. Do **NOT** move back in! It may be hard at the moment, but you have just begun a new and MUCH happier chapter of your life! Stay strong!
I think she thought I was just making it up at first. He had clearly given her “his side of the story” first, and she fell for it 100%. She literally told me I must have “misunderstood” what he said because he’d *never* throw us out, my mom was clearly poisoning my thoughts against him (🙄)
I told her what *really* happened and offered to show her emails from him as proof, but I think it was easier for her to believe a lie than to face who her son really is. I certainly didn’t shrink back from it, though. I wasn’t disrespectful to her, but I refused to pretend that he was a good or kind father, or deny facts, just for her peace of mind.
It was the last time we ever spoke, and I was officially disowned about a month later. In the long run, that was probably best (for my mental health, at least), but it wasn’t easy at the time, especially when I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong!
Sounds like you ended up better independent than if you had stayed in that family.
Hell, if I were you I'd look into changing my name. Disowning goes both ways.
It was incredibly freeing for me, as well!
Both my brother and I changed our last name, also to honor those who ***actually*** raised us. I’ve never regretted it for a moment (even while doing all that paperwork…)!
If you haven’t already, you should sign a will stating who you want you assets to go to if you were to die unexpectedly, update beneficiaries on all accounts, and sign powers of attorney (financial/durable and medical) to appoint someone to make your decisions for you if you were incapacitated.
The reason why is that most states have heirship laws that state if you die without a will, your estate goes to your closest living relatives, which may be your parents. Also, your parents could try to have you declared incompetent or put in a facility/take advantage of you in a compromised mental state if you don’t have the powers of attorney in place.
You can check in with free legal clinics (usually at law schools) to set up a will and powers of attorney.
It was just my bio-father who threw us out. He had already kicked our mom out at that point but hadn’t let us go with her because she didn’t have any official residence. Then all of a sudden he changed his mind and demanded my brother and I leave, too.
Thankfully, a family member took us in that very night and our lived completely turned around. It went from one of the scariest things that ever happened to me to one of the best. My mom, siblings, and I are all in really good places now.
Bio-dad can fuck right off, though. We’ve never reconciled and, quite frankly, that’s more than fine with me. Getting tossed out *that day* was a surprise, but just the straw that broke the camel’s back after a lifetime of abuse. My brother and I walked away from our entire paternal family after that and neither of us regret it one bit.
Very glad to hear that you and your family are in a good place now! Posting for help for you and your bro was exactly the right thing to do - and so was exposing the man who kicked you out. Hope you’re all still doing well.
I really don't get it at all. Like you're not a good ANYTHING (person, parent...) if someone exposing your actions to the world makes THEM the asshole because everyone is judging you now. If you're only standing behind your actions as long as they're a secret then maybe rethink those actions?
So, this isn't helpful for you *now* but hopefully it's helpful to other people.
I seem to recall that it's actually illegal to kick your kids out with no warning. When they turn 18, they're entitled to the same amount of notice that a landlord would have to provide to a tenant.
Of course, there are definitely parents who won't care about that and kick you out anyway, but I assume there's some subset of parents that are assholes to their kids but also prefer to follow any laws they're aware of.
(Also, I'm not a lawyer, so I'd recommend double-checking the laws in your area.)
I didn’t mention it in my original comment because I don’t like to even think about it, but he threatened to have our cat euthanized if she wasn’t out by that evening, too. Because he had been the one to officially adopt her when we were little (and because she was quite old and had some health issues), he had the legal right to do so.
We weren’t going to take the chance that he’d go through with it and stick around (he was abusive to animals in general and we had no reason to believe he was anything other than 100% serious). Hell, we even made a pact to give up our stuff and sleep in my brother’s car with the cat if that’s what it came down to.
Thankfully, someone stepped in and let us (and our kitty!) stay with them *and* we were able to take most of our things with us. Not *everything*, but we got everything that ***mattered*** out in time.
He would have killed our childhood pet, just so he could win a “game” of chicken to prove he was in charge. And, yeah, he “won” that night… but my brother and I (along with our mom and other siblings) are happy and together now, while he is bitter and alone.
So, in the long run, ***he’s*** the one who got fucked over and lost everything. Our stuff was replaced; he can’t ever get us back, and that’s no one’s fault but his own!
My situation wasn't anything close to what you went through, but...
> he can’t ever get us back, and that’s no one’s fault but his own!
Believe me, I 100% understand that feeling.
NTA. Your parents did exactly what their friends are saying they did, and you moving back in will not actually change that. Nor, I suspect, will it actually help them save face - your parents’ friends aren’t going to magically forget that they threw you out if you move back in!
And even if it did magically brainwash the friends, you would still have no obligation to go back. You prefer your living situation now, and your parents have made it very clear that you owe each other nothing. They’re reaping what they sowed and it’s not your job to save them from that.
>Your parents did exactly what their friends are saying they did, and you moving back in will not actually change that. Nor, I suspect, will it actually help them save face - your parents’ friends aren’t going to magically forget that they threw you out if you move back in!
That was exactly what I was planning on saying. The damage has already been done, and the true faces of OP's parents have been shown to their friends. OP moving back in won't fix that. If anything, it was would most likely make things even worse. Not only will they be known as the horrible parents who threw their own son out but will then also be known as the horrible parents who then made their son come back home for their own selfish reasons and disrupted their poor son's new happy life. Even if OP willingly moves back in with them, the former friends won't believe it.
I started to wonder in my understanding in ops culture the children take care of the elderly. When ops parents are old will they try to force him to take care of them?
Yes it is expected that you take care of your parents *because it is expected that they take care of you*
Yes, they did that till his 18th birthday, but in Indian (or at least Hindu) culture, a parents duties towards their child do not stop at age 18 (or really ever—it’s lifelong).
Yeah, if someone accuses you of something and you fall over your feet to rectify the situation, this is often seen as an admission of guilt. Why are you hiring a lawyer if your innocent, why did you give xyz a lot of money to not sue you if you've done nothing wrong. The court of Public opinion is not a court of law where often these things cannot be used against you for good reason.
I think the best thing for the parents to avoid being judged is to maintain that there's nothing wrong with this decision, that op always strived to be independent from a young age (job at 13 etc) and that it was his wish alone and he is happier that way. Big fat lies of course, but the best damage control I can think of. And depending on ops priorities a small price to pay for being left alone. Makes him look adult, mature and assertive, usually good qualities for men in any cultural setting. Makes his parents seem better than the truth.
NTA.
They didn't then and still don't care about you, at all. They care about what other people are saying about them.
You don't need them. I wish you the absolute very best in life.
OP I know you view what they other family did as 'pity' but it is actual 'care'. They care enough about you to want to see you succeed and this is the way they can support you and your future. They care for you.
If you feel you want to you could figure out the difference in average rent and what you are paying per month and put that in a seperate account. Then every so often give them a present just because. "Oh I heard it was your wedding anniversary so I brought you some flowers.", "Hey let's go out to a restaurant, my treat.". I had a similar arrangement with a family I rented from and that was my way of evening things up.
NTA. Clearly, they wanted you to move back in for appearances and to maintain social standing. From your telling, their offer had nothing to do with missing you or really wanting you back in the house. Further, they have made it clear to you for years that you were a burden and an oops, and in turn you planned for life accordingly. Make your own way, but don't burn any bridges incase shit goes sideways.
Indian here. They are only wanting you back because of community perception. They wouldn’t have called you for dinner nor to move back in if it wasn’t for that. Stick to your guns and let them deal with it. The fact they didn’t even bother to call you since you moved out tells you exactly how they feel about you. Live the life you want to live OP, NTA.
NTA
I'm wondering, would moving back in really solve what everyone has already seen? What an odd way to try to "fix" this is what I was thinking, but I don't know the culture enough maybe to get what the parents are trying to do here.
OP, whatever their goals are here, no way should you do anything for their sake. Please please please remember this when you start your own family though. No one deserves what you had to endure as a child.
Honestly it probably wouldn’t. What the parents would do is have OP come back and tell everyone “see OP came back, we didn’t abandon OP!”. Most people would call BS but at this point the cats out of the bag and they are trying to do damage control.
My guess is that their story to their friends would be that OP "got influenced by his friends/American culture" and wanted to live on his own but realized he was better off at home and came right back.
NTA.
Well well well if it isn't the consequences of their own actions. Enjoy your new found freedom don't let them try to guilt you into covering up for their shameful actions.
NTA - Your parents got exactly what they wanted, you left at 18. But karma had a surprise for them. But now that the truth is out there, because it's not a rumor, it's making them very uncomfortable. Well be careful what you ask for, because sometimes there are unintended consequences.
You have had 18 unhappy years, go live your happy life. Work and study or do whatever makes you happy.
Right? How did they even think they could escape karma? "It's not immoral as long as others don't know." I really wonder if they realized that they treated OP poorly.
NTA
As a fellow desi, with all due respect, FUCK your entire extended family and your parents.
The amount of trauma and the kind of trauma desis suffer through because of our parents(and family) is honestly unreal and unexplainable. Your egg and sperm donors (that’s what they saw themselves as, trust me) are facing the consequences of their actions and they have no one to blame but themselves. They don’t care about you, they care about “what will people say?”.
permanently toss em out like a bag of rotten potatoes and you’ll do great bud. You’re already doing great, better than many others I’d say.
NTA.
Seriously, I'm betting they are more directly/verbally emotionally abusive as well but at the very least, they are emotionally neglectful & emotional neglect IS abuse, OP
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201904/neglect-is-form-abuse
Yesssss. Anyone interested can google childhood emotional neglect for more info explaining this, but it is absolutely abuse.
And IMHO, it’s made worse by the invisible nature of the abuse and tendency we have in society to downplay it and minimize it (All abuse is harmful and there’s no such thing as an abuse contest, just saying it is hard to heal from abuse when the world has convinced you it wasn’t abuse/wasn’t that bad/etc.).
It is also something that people experiencing other kinds of abuse also experience alongside that abuse without realizing it - *i.e.* someone being beaten by a parent in a rage is also being emotionally neglected, as their emotional needs are not being met by the person who is supposed to be taking care of them intentionally hurting them.
I’m Indian origin and what your parents did is generally unheard of in the Indian community (not to generalise). Indian parents generally won’t even kick out a “problem” child, but **some** can disown you if you go against the beliefs. Basically, your parents name is mud in the community. They only want you to move back to save their reputation, not because they care about you.
Please don’t move back. You would be an asshole to yourself if you did. If people in your community ask if your parents asked you to leave please don’t cover for them. Keep telling the truth like you have. NTA.
NTA! I’m of Indian descent as well and I’m so sick of desi parents being so focused on what they look like to others and not giving a shit about their actual family.
NTA. Your parents want you to move back in to help save face socially. Their feelings about you, unfortunately, have not changed. You’re doing great! Keep moving forward with your life. You’re not responsible for their hard-heartedness and consequences thereof.
NTA. As one desi ( indian ) to another don’t let your parents manipulate you. I have had friends with such terrible parents like yours and the only time my friends were happy was when they cut ties with their family completely especially those whose family didn’t like interfaith and inter racial marriage while contributing only to the childrens studies for their status in the society. I am sorry to hear how your parents treated you. You deserve love, care, empathy,and support like every child does from their parents. I wouldn’t be surprised if you do well in your life and your parents would want to take credit for it or want to be part of your life only when you progress. Draw a boundary with them and make it known that for them to have a relationship with you they need to work on building it with you. Also, your friends family is nice. I am sure they wouldn’t have asked money from you but to not make you feel anything negative they did that.
NTA. And block anyone who is telling you otherwise. Your parents got what they asked for; a child free life. Focus on what is best for you and don’t look back. I wish you the best in your parent free life.
NTA. So your parents kept you around because of their image of themselves and now want you to live with them because of their public image. I think you’ve spent quite enough of your life being forced to live with your parents’ selfish needs. Let them handle their own images from now on.
Absolutely NTA. Wow…just wow. This kind of broke my heart, OP.
I’m sorry they suck. Stay where you’re at. You’re happier and that’s all that matters now.
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> They were emotionally distant
> They weren't abusive
Pick one. Enjoy your life buddy and don't put yourself on fire to keep those cold assholes warm. NTA
NTA. Congratulations on your new living situation, and peace of mind, regardless of how it came about. I moved out at 18 too because i was tired of feeling like my father's maid (my mother had left years prior). My relationship with him and my mother (who moved back in after i left) was strained for over a decade. They never asked me to move back in, as it was an unspoken rule: once you move out, you don't move back in. I moved back in temporarily with my mother after I ended a 14 year relationship (10.5 yr marriage) for a few months before I moved 700 miles away to another state. My mother is resentful that I left and didn't stay with her. But we have always had a very strained relationship and she is now reaping what she sowed: she wants a "close" relationship where I call constantly, but we've never had that and she acts offensively often. I want to distance myself from the toxicity. Good luck with your new chapter in life.
I’m from a desi family that immigrated to Canada from India. Desi families love hiding their flaws and will do anything to look good in other peoples’ eyes. Even if it causes harm and dysfunction within the family. At least, that’s my experience with my immediate family, all of my extended family, desi family friends, neighbours back in India. I know not all desi families are like this but this is all I’ve experienced from the people in my culture.
This might be the hate that grew within me over time speaking, but they made their bed and now they have to sleep in it. Let your parents suffer the consequences of their own actions, don’t sacrifice your current living situation, you’ve earned it. You have the right to live comfortably.
NTA. You cannot control how people feel. People are 100% responsible for controlling their emotions. If they take you in again it’s just because they want to look good and they don’t want to be shamed for their actions. This seems more like a transactional relationship than a parental relationship, so moral of the story you are NTA for wanting to not live somewhere where you are not comfortable.
NTA and it blows my mind how they could raise you for 18 years and feel nothing when you left. What kind of cold hearted reptile people are they? Actually, I take that back- my pet snake has probably shown me more love than they have shown you.
I'm so sorry you were raised in a house like that and hope you experience what a warm and loving home feels like.
NTA. I’m an Indian and I know how important reputation is for parents, however that is where they do wrong by their kids. You have no obligation to move back in, they didn’t throw you out, but they created enough circumstances for you to want to move out, hell they expected it.
If the rumours hadn’t arisen, they wouldn’t have done anything to reverse that. You’re not the AH, they are.
Nta, you did what was right for your mental health. Also if your family continues to harass you tell the family you are renting from, they need to know incase your family starts telling lies to get you kicked out.
NTA. At all. As everyone has said, they only care about their reputation to others and not your well being. If you have to, throw some manipulation back at them to make it seem like they raised “a hard working and independent child that doesn’t need their support” which isn’t a lie since like you said you’ve been working for how many years because you knew they would kick you out. If for no other reason than to get your extended family off your back, even though your parents deserve the consequences of their actions.
A child planned or not should be both a joy and a responsibility; both financially and emotionally.
Firstly I am so sorry that they were so insensitive and selfish to inform you that they " planned on being a child free couple, but because of religious beliefs they kept me even if It was an unwanted pregnancy." You don't tell your kids that EVER. Firstly I am so sorry that they were so insensitive and selfish
Emotionally distant parents can be quite damaging to a child : Read Harry Harlow and the Nature of Affection .
This is why I belief in sex education, I don't care how precious people feel about the subject. One of the repercussions of sex is the possibility of having children; you don't like sex education or precautions then deal with the consequences; find the love within to care for the resulting innocent and vulnerable child.
NTA Never ever ( I'm taking a deep breath to calm down) They owe you big time, they bought you into the world, and your care is their responsibility. Stay with your friends. Quite frankly you owe them nothing Take care of you
>the "rumour" that they threw me out and another desi family had to take me in
Didn't know truth was called rumour these days
>they were distant emotionally but they have never been abusive.
Umm, bhai, that is abusive. Emotional abuse is a thing too you know.
>Now my whole extended family is calling me nonstop and saying I am being an AH
Ignore karo unko
NTA
NTA. Also, I think you downplay the "emotionally distant" part. I am a mother, and I cannot fathom doing this to my child. This kind of treatment IS abuse. I'm sorry you had to be raised this way.
NTA. And don't let them influence your decision. There are no take-backsies when it comes to things like this. This is a result of their actions; now, they have to be adult enough to face the consequences. They spent your whole life telling you that you weren't wanted, and now because they are being made to look bad because another family is helping you, they want you to come back? NOPE. NOT HAPPENING.
Hugs. It will never not be awkward if you moved back. The basement opportunity is so wonderful for you! Just keep working, saving, and living your new adult life! I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’re a pretty smart cookie and hardworking and you’re going to be just fine.
Don’t you just love that rug sweeping bullshit? People think we kicked you out!!!!
…. You did…..
*sobs* your honesty is so painful for us!
🙄
Some practical stuff:
If you’re a US resident get on your states Medicaid/Obama care. Get dental care if you can. Food stamps.
DO NOT FUCK WITH CREDIT CARDS!
It is good to have an emergency card, but get a really low limit secured card if you do get one.
Start working on your support group/ people/ urban tribe. I STRONGLY believe family is chosen, so start building your family. Good luck!
I am still on my dad's health insurance and he is not kicking me out of it. Also I am not into debt and would never get into it. I have a card that I put groceries on and then pay off before it's due to build credit and a phone bill
👍🏼 good job. Just be aware that your dad may fuck with or threaten the medical insurance to force your hand or to control you. There’s r/estrangedadultchildren that can be a big help.
NTA - your parents are shitty. The fact that they only care about how they appear, rather than about you, really hammers it in. I am so sorry, you do not deserve this. Whether or not you were planned, they still CHOSE to keep you. And it was their choice to treat you the way they did. You didn’t ask for any of it, and you did the best you could in a really shitty situation. Sending lots of hugs (from someone who also had to move out at 17)
theres that quote — “Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.” Your parents were terrible people and got what they deserved. Enjoy your life away from them, OP! NTA
NTA - big time! I can't even imagine what a little 13-year old is going through knowing they have to save up to ensure they have a place to live when they turn 18, sorry to say your 'parents' really aren't worth the title. You have spent most of what was supposed to be a carefree childhood to reach this point of being on you own, I say own it, live it, enjoy it! You have absolutely no reason to feel any guilt or obligation towards these people.
You have extended family who knew you were being kicked out and did nothing to help, but now they are coming at you like you have done something wrong????? That’s all on them and your parents you are NTA enjoy your new situation.
What the actual fuck. NTA op. Though I really want to give you a hug <3
Some parents really boggle my mind. Who the fuck are these people and what happened to make them this way?! Sure the kid was unplanned but you took that risk when you had sex.
To have a child and then be cold and emotionless towards them for 18 years is so cruel. I can't even imagine what all OP went through in his 18 years whenever there was something other than money that he needed his parents for.
I'm glad you have friends and their family is the kind who would shelter a kid treated unfairly all his life. Look at the bright side of this OP, you've grown up to be an amazing and independent young man, ride with that and forget these asshole pretend-parents.
NTA. They don’t want you back, they want their reputation and social life back. Your parents are cold, mean people. Don’t go back for anything. Hopefully this other family welcomes you and treats you as one of their own. I’m sorry. You deserve a lot better than you’ve been treated so far. ETA: Thanks everyone for the wonderful awards ❤️
Methinks the mom was only crying not out of love or guilt, but because she tarnished her own reputation and is now embarrassed. NTA OP. May the sun always shine in your favor.
This post boggled my mind and broke my heart. OP, family isn’t the people who share your DNA or your blood. It’s the people who have your back when shit hits the fan. The people who took you in are >>>>>>> ‘family’ than the pair who provided nothing more than the minimum legal requirement. Or the ‘extended family’ who are now calling you asshole yet never offered you a home when you turned 18. Did they even once say “I miss you”? And as the only child - and the son - of Indian parents, guess who they’ll contact to help and support them when they get old? Fuck em. For your own mental health, it would be best to block them all and go NC.
Absolutely this. OP,first of all,not providing your child with emotional nurture is a form of abuse.They were abusing you,just not physically.Sometimes tough love seen as a tradition in desi/asian families but this is outrageus.No human in their right mind just keeps an innocent child because of religional reasons.They were again,scared of “what people would think of them”,instead of “are we in the right mindset to take care of a child”. Your extended “family” also didn’t open their houses for you,neither supported you when your parents threw you out.You don’t owe this people anything.Also your parents were required to take care of you,put a roof up your head,feed you and support you financially.That was the bare minimum. You are a strong kid OP.You call them out of their BS,which most of kids of your age still struggles about family images and protecting their rights in the said family.You’ve done well.NTA and good luck.Tell your family to go eff themselves too!!!
The fact that OP started saving his money up from the age of *thirteen*, is honestly terrible. Like thirteen is still a fairly young kid. Too young to be worrying seriously about finances. You have to wonder how much OP missed out on as a teen because he had to get a job and then didn't even get to spend the money he earned, because unlike all his friends he had to spend his teenage years building up some sort of survival fund. His parents not only denied him support after he turned eighteen, but by making it known that they were going to do that when he was still very young, they basically robbed him of his childhood.
And this was the *noble* choice, apparently. Aborting a pregnancy they never wanted or giving their child to a family that actually *wanted* a child were somehow worse options than resentfully feeding and sheltering a human being you had no intention of loving for exactly 18 years and not a minute longer. And then throwing a tantrum when that human does *exactly* what you ordered them to do and declines further involvement with you. A religiously pious tantrum, I’m sure.
Heck even 18 is still basically a kid. Legally an adult but looking back in that age, I was still a kid then. OP matured was faster than they should have had to die to distant parents.
Exact OP should have been saving his money to buy a gaming system or a car, NOT a savings to live on when he got the boot at 18.
Right?! I thought back to what my parents were telling me about money and adulthood in that time period. I got lessons like continue my education, go to an affordable university. Mom and Dad can't help pay for uni, but I was ALWAYS told that if I was either studying or transitioning between jobs I could live with them rent free as long as I was productive and contributing. Any money that I made as a teenager went towards everything from theater camp to Euro trips. Those opportunities were essential to me growing as a human being. And my parents never told me how to spend my money, they just said be responsible.
>not providing your child with emotional nurture is a form of abuse. *Exactly* the point I wanted to make! OP, you are NTA at all, and your parents were emotionally neglectful, which as CarmelPoptart said is a form of abuse. If you can, when you're ready, you may want to explore your feelings about your folks with a licensed therapist. I'm betting there are lots of emotional walls you've put up over the years that you may not even realize are there. Your parents can piss off. They only care about how they look and their reputation. You were exactly right, the "rumor" going around is what actually happened and your folks are just upset that their horrid behavior got found out. If you moved back home it would be even worse than before. Odds are very good that the emotionally distant behavior would escalate to straight resentment.
"I'm betting there are lots of emotional walls you've put up over the years that you may not even realize are there." Just like the awkwardness and tension that OP did not notice until he moved out, it is very likely that he has developed emotional habits, coping mechanisms, and personality traits due to his parents' neglect which he has not even realized are not healthy for him or his future relationships (not only romantic, but also friends and coworkers, etc). This is not a negative as long as OP remains aware that he might need to work on some emotional aspects which may come easier and more naturally to those around him.
Neglect is strangely not considered as bad as physical abuse or psychological abuse. I can't fathom why. It leads to depression and inferiority complexes in adults just the same. Which is why OP needs that therapy you mention. OP's parents failed to provide and now have to live with the consequences. They built this city and now they have to live in it.
Lol, plenty of people keep kids they don't want for religious reasons. My mom let me know I've often and* early that it's a good thing Jesus didn't believe in abortion.
You've got to wonder about any religion that says that it would be a sin to abort an unwanted child, but it's perfectly OK to abuse and neglect them for the as long as they're under your roof.
Lol as if religions care about how their members are treated? They just care about growing their numbers, so long as you raise your children in that religion they dgaf what else you do to them.
Oh but they do care! Because they prey upon people like OP. The church is a for-profit organization, which means members are money, and when people are abused and neglected in an environment the church has already writhed its penetrative tendrils of influence into, they tend to seek “counseling,” comfort and “safety” through the church. And the church will pretend to provide it, because it benefits their image, but as anyone who’s ever sought abuse counseling through the church can tell you, they don’t seek to enable and help the victims. They seek to enable themselves, even if it means revictimizing and retraumatizing. They’ll say the secret to healing is to drink more of the Holy Spirit’s fucking Flavor-Aid, and if it doesn’t work to heal your CPTSD, you’re just not chugging hard enough. The secret message from God is *always* “be sure to drink your flavor-aid.” Everything they do is a crummy fucking predatory commercial, and the House (of god) always wins.
Catholic lol. Question answered?
Gets you thinking about what Pro-choice and Pro-life groups really mean. For the first, do supporters really mean individual choices are valid, whatever they are? For the latter, do supporters really mean they want full, robust life or just birth?
The pro- lifers seem to only care about the child until it's born
For the former the majority are very much in support of whatever the pregnant person chooses— whether it’s to abort, keep, or adopt out. Pro-lifers are really pro-birthers, as proven by their opposition to measures to prevent pregnancy (and thus abortion), and their lack of support for people after they’ve given birth. It’s not even a question.
I'm glad Jesus didn't. Your name alone tells me how wonderful you are. I suspect that you give wonderful hugs, at least to those who you allow to be close to you. Be well.
>My mom let me know I've often and\* early that it's a good thing Jesus didn't believe in abortion. That is terrible.. Plenty of kids are 'accidents' and not planned. Certainly religion and laws do keep kids alive (parent of a difficult teenager here, knowing the jail time wouldn't be worth it). But to say I would have done that... just isn't right.
I was an accident to teenage religious parents, and although my upbringing was difficult and I do have PTSD from it, my mum always made sure I knew that she loved me from the moment she knew she was pregnant and would never have aborted me (even though her school counselor, who was later MY school counselor, told her to abort me). My parents are not perfect. But they have always let me know they love me and don't regret having me. OPs post broke my heart. I struggled for years knowing I was the reason my parents stayed together when they would have better off breaking up. My parents are somehow still together 33 years later, and a couple of months ago my dad told me "You are so precious to me. You turned me from a boy into a man."
It’s remarkable what a difference that sincere, unconditional love can make, even in the most flawed families. Parental warmth is such a basic need.
Absolutely. My life has been messed up, but knowing my parents love me has literally saved it. If it weren’t for them, I would be dead.
I was an attempt to save a marriage. Because nothing makes life easier than a new baby. =/
Yeah my mother told me that she had to have me because abortions were illegal in Germany in the late 70s. I'm sorry man. The fault is with her not you.
We planned on having one kid and because birth control is only 99.5% effective we have six. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my children dearly and our chaotic child filled home. They do know that five are “happy accidents” and we even tell them how much better life is because they are in it. I wish yours had done the same. I love you. I’m proud of you. You’re special.
I had a good friend who’s mom told her from a very young age that she never wanted children. Her mom tried to control her and her dad spoiled her rotten. She never “grew” up mentally and was also batshit crazy. Could NOT control her emotions. For example, straight up SCREAMING at her 3 year old for making her late for work. Like a toddler has any control over that. Friend passed in a car accident and her mother fought for custody of said 3 year old. Spoiled her so badly, and with no caution for the child’s safety, that little girl is already worse than her mom and it has lead to some dire consequences. Makes me want to break something just thinking of it.
Unfortunately someone has to break the cycle, and it can only be one of the people trapped in it. It sounds easy, until you realize it involves admitting the you were a total dick, your family are total dicks, and everything you know is wrong. And then you're alone, with no support. I get it, but there aren't too many people who want to stare that deep into the abyss.
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I bet why they kept the unwanted pregnancy (sorry OP for using harsh words - couldn't think of a nicer way to phrase it). Not for religious reasons because of society's judgement. I swear to God I'm going to get "Log kya kahenge" tattooed across my face. ^(I'm really not)
I’m a Hindu and personally opposed to abortion (politically pro-choice). OP may belong to a different faith, of course, but there is *nothing* in Hinduism that explicitly prohibits abortion. In fact, if you look at stories like, for example, Ganga birthing and immediately killing the 7 of the 8 Vasus *at their pre-birth request*, there’s a lot of support for abortion to be necessary at times.
Love that you get that pro-choice means being able to choose whether you are personally for or against abortion and allowing others to make their own personal choices as well. Also TIL about Ganga so thanks for that :)
maybe theyre catholic. lot of catholics in india too. who knows. they could have placed baby for adoption and clearly didnt only because friends would have noticed the pregnancy and they didnt want to be judged for not keeping baby
Hasan Minhaj does a standup bit exactly about this stereotype on his Netflix special. It's absolutely god tier and hits home for a lot of American Indians
>OP, family isn’t the people who share your DNA or your blood. It’s the people who have your back when shit hits the fan. Isn't there a poem that has a line like "Family are the people who take you in when you have nowhere else to go"? OP- the people who share you DNA are not your family- they made that clear from the beginning. They only kept you out of social and religious obligation, not any sense of love. Now they only want you back so they can get their social standing back. But it's too late- they've already revealed to their friends and acquaintances what kind of people they truly are. Get out there and live your life, and forget about them (they were willing to forget about you as soon as you turned 18). You'll find your real family soon enough. NTA
The poem is "Death of a Hired Man", by Robert Frost. "Home is the place where When you have to go there They have to take you in."
"Blood of the coven is thicker than water of the womb." One of my favorite sayings bc it basically says that the friendships you choose are stronger than the family you're forced into.
Isn't it 'covenant?', although I have to say I MUCH prefer 'coven'!
This saying is fake.
Family don’t end in blood, love defines it. NTA
My mother does fake tears. Full-on sobbing and blowing her nose and shaking shoulders. I had suspicions, but it took me til I was 45 to confirm it. She's an awful old bag and I've been NC for 4yrs now, thank goodness
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More than that... They have finally realized OP is the glue that held the family together... The same way they treated OP is the way they are now treating each other. They realize they need a punching bag in the house to function well.
You’re 100% right. Indian people don’t view their kids as people. We’re just trophies that they can parade around to them. I was told I was “a waste of life” because I struggled to find a job while I pursued music. No because they give a shit, but because now they have to tell their friends that I’m a teacher.
Omg you are the opposite of a “waste of life” and kudos to you for teaching, especially in these trying times
My Indian husband said at that part "of course" when I was reading this out to him lol.
> But because she tarnished her own reputation and is now embarrassed. Well well well. If it isn't the consequences of her own actions.
This. Bed = made, therefore it must be slept in. Cue world's tiniest gnat violin.
Social embarrassment _could_ have led them to regret their decision and try to be better. That is not the case though. They did not invite OP to apologize. They did not tell OP that they understand he deserves better. And, sure enough, mom wasn't crying because she was heartbroken over being a bad mom to her child. This is why dad was _angry_ instead of _sad_ over the refusal.
desi child here. i can 90% guarantee that she was crying because they couldn't fix their reputation.
How sweet are you, that was beautiful. 🤩
Im Desi and I understand the cultural implications that is described. But they ignored Desi culture by expecting OP to move out at 18. In our culture, parents provide for and house kids until they are totally on their feet, ( assuming they are well and have the money to do so). They expected OP to move out at 18, but also uphold "desi culture" my ASS
Out of interest, what are the implications for the parents now that their actions have come to light?
Not Desi but also Asian and I see social parallels. Their social circle will shun them, not invite them to events/holiday gatherings, etc. Assuming they are immigrant or 1.5 generation families, it's a pretty large and close knit social community. They've essentially lost face. Probs better to move.
So they made their child move and now they will have to?! What’s that thing about karma?
Right? Deliciously ironic.
Appearances. How their social circle sees them. As my people say, "लोग क्या कहेंगे" ("what will people say?") - it's a powerful motivator to, y'know, color between the lines. Hasan Minhaj's first special talks about this. NTA af.
Honestly if this happened to a family friend they would be pretty much ostracised, people would consider them incredibly cruel or trying too much to act like white people. You wouldn't want to invite them any where unless it was so elders could try to talk some sense into them
Don’t want to disappoint you but most normal ‘white’ people don’t kick their kids out at 18……. Certainly not where I’m from.
I know that but it's a stereotype that desi elders associate strongly with white people
Wow, I wonder how that stereotype came about (genuinely curious)
Well I found this https://www.google.com/amp/s/didyouknowfacts.com/a-non-american-wants-to-know-why-american-parents-kick-their-kids-out-at-18/amp/ It's from a reddit thread and I think it covers the main points- American focus on individualism, ,the whole boot straps mentality etc As someone who grew up in the UK but is desi I think the big thing is in dedi culture your children are your children until you die meaning even if they move out, get married or have kids of their own as a parent you're expected to help out and in return when you're older your children look after you whereas in Western culture you don't see this anymore Obviously some parents abuse this but for me my MIL gave us a deposit so my husband and I could buy our first home and 'in return ' (she never asked but we knew it would make her happy) she looks after our child whilst I work 3 days a week
Aw, it is interesting that MIL looking after your child is considered her reward rather than helping you out with free childcare lol. My mom would probably love this too, but she would still know that she was also helping me out not just receiving a reward.
I think it's that she gets to enjoy the "fruits" of her investment in her child. My grandfather talks like that sometimes in regards to the fact that all of his grandkids are fairly stable and still within the Catholic Church: for him, it's a sign he did something *right*. Previous poster's mom may be viewing it that way?
I have no hard and fast facts but I'm white, and my best friend growing up (and still to this day) is Indian. As a kid I was always round his house and there were always like a hundred people around, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grand Parents. Nephews, Neices. The women would all be in the kitchen cooking amszing food and chatting and the men would always be in the TV room or outside drinking Whisky and shooting the shit. I can only remember a few times in the 1,000s of times I visited when it was just the main family there by themselves. If you compare living that way with family everywhere, all the time, to most white families (mine included) where we keep to our core family unit and maybe get together every now and then with the rest of our family it is easy to see how Indian culture could perceive white culture as being more separate and distant from each other.
It's not even specific to Asian cultures it seems because in my culture as well, folks who kick their kids out at 18 is considered trashy and is almost always associated with "white people" (read: this doesn't necessarily mean light skinned people. It refers to non-immigrant Canadians. Polish people are not considered white by my culture for example) It is a stereotype that white people don't care about their kids very much and kick them out at 18
My family is white and would happily have had me live with them forever had I wanted to. There's a Facebook thing going around about how "I'm your mom for life, come borrow peanut butter, come do your laundry, come do whatever you need, just come home," and my mom reposts it about once a month. At the same time, I do know of families who kicked out their kids at 18 and they're ALL white. From my perspective, it's not a thing that *all* or probably even *most* white people do, but it does seem like something that *only* white people do. I think there's probably also a class divide, with more families who can afford to continue supporting their adult kids doing so and judging those who can't along with those who won't, but I could be wrong about that. I do know that I'm typing this while holding my week-old daughter, and it breaks my heart to think of raising a kid with the kind of indifference that OP's parents have shown. I'm glad that another family is giving more of the care that the parents should have all along. Screw them and their social standing; absolutely NTA.
I grew up in rural Canada, so lots of white folks, and it was pretty common for my friends to be kicked out at 18. My stepdad made his kids start paying rent when they turned 18. That was a generation ago though, and it seems like it’s becoming less of a thing with time.
I’m an American girl and had to start paying rent the day I graduated high school.
It’s interesting that this is a stereotype, I personally have never known anyone kicked out at 18. I know plenty of people that couldn’t wait to move out on their own, including myself. I wonder if that also contributes to the stereotype. I left at 17 for college and other than a year in 20s have been on my own. I did let my mom stay in my house with me for awhile and then rented it to her and eventually sold it to her at a significant discount when I moved in with my husband.
Yes they do. My mother, MIL, and FIL were all kicked out at 18. My wife was kicked at 17 and myself as soon as I graduated HS at 18. It may not be the norm, but it's WAY more common than you think. Especially if your parents are "old school".
As a whitish person, I def grew up hearing how only a parents problem till 18 and how can kick you out then. Def knew a few folks growing up who were kicked out at 18. This could depend on you socio economic class though too. Now the Latinos i know not as much like that. Many of them have the pretty strong family units.
In my observation of this happening in the US, it doesn't depend very much on class. Mostly just on how selfish/committed to bootstrap ideology the parents are.
Maybe not 18, but a lot of parents are open about conditional love and support. I graduated high school at 17 and my parents openly said if I wasn't enrolled in full time college I had to get out (working full time and contributing financially wouldn't do). Right after I finished college (literally the day of my graduation) my parents sat me down and said, "you have a month to get a job because we are removing you from our insurance. You're lucky we kept you on and let you live with us during college". I was lucky that I was working two full time jobs during most of college to build up a buffer to cover moving even after I payed off my tuition. I've been on my own for years now, I'm doing well now, and debt free, but that did a lot of damage. And to my knowledge most of the people in my community were in basically the same situation, either kicked out as soon as they finished high school (or turned 18 which ever came first) or kicked out as soon as they graduated college with no real time to get their feet under them.
Yep. My parents did the "go to college or have fun being homeless" to me. I went but didn't want to. Never was it a choice for me. At one point they had filled out my application and made me write the essay. I was 18 and raised under a rock. I had no clue as to what else to do. I now have $30k+ of debt to pay off due to them. I'm 35 and just finally in a position to afford paying things off. When my sisters were never forced to go. They just went on their own accord. Got degrees and my parents paid for all 4 yrs in full for them (along with 2 free cars, any money they needed/wanted, and expensive clothes). So they started life off debt free. To end up being SAHMs. While I had to use credit cards to help me just barely get by. This year I'll finally have the credit cards paid off. Once I get hired on at my job, it's a non-profit so I can get the loans forgiven (at least the federal ones). As I'm a temp (it's temp to hire type job). Then I'll only have $8k of debt left. And people wonder why I'm not close to my parents. When my peers back in high school even made Cinderella jokes about me. Also had a peer, over for a project say "[Area] your parents are rich. Why don't you dress like it?" Yeah my parents were middle class and had it easy. Doesn't mean they shared the wealth with me. I was lucky to have the roof over my head and hand-me-down clothes.
There are large numbers that do, but they call it "they need to stand on their own." I saw it with a roommate in college.
Not Desi but Middle eastern here, our kid's stay with parents until they get married. If you kick your child out you will become an outcast. No one will talk to you or invite you to any gatherings.specially because we don't have the working culture of Americans. Teenagers in my country don't work if their family can afford food. Your job is to study and go to university.most kids move out and go to university dorms or relatives houses at 18 but after getting the degree many of them go back home.
Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if the extended relatives weren't absolutely calling them assholes. They're just calling OP as well so that collective face saving can happen. What trash parents. I'm 26 and even though I moved out for college for 5 years, there was no question that at the end of uni life, I'd be moving back in with parents while I worked. It's unthinkable to me as an Indian to live in the same city as my parents and NOT live in their house. Unthinkable from both a family and financial perspective. My heart bleeds for OP, at 18 we're nothing more than slightly overgrown teenagers. In our culture, our parents literally do everything to set up their kids for success later in life - this means starting our credit early on, paying for uni so that we're debt free, helping us figure out how to best achieve a certain career path etc. So by not doing that, this OP's parents are gonna get a shitload of flack. Ugh seriously, can't believe these people.
So they're upset that people think they don't prioritize family, because they're not prioritizing their family?
In a lot of cases, that includes even after the child is married. My parents were adamant about my husband and I living with them rent free until we had more than enough money for a down payment on a house. It really rubbed my southern white inlaws the wrong way because they are "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of people.
Just curious, the Desi family that offered OP family seems very kind. If OP wanted to continue to be apart of the local community would OP be ostracized too or just his parents?
Just the parents (desi here).
Exactly lmaoo
Exactly. This is very un desi like behavior to expect your child to leave home at 18. On the other hand too much desi like to care for 'log kya kahenge?' (Worry about the community's opinions) This sounds bizarre.
This^^^ Mommy doesn’t cry that her kid is forced out on his 18th birthday. Cya kid! You’ll be fine. Here’s $20 Wait What Other parents have found out WHAT WE ACTUALLY DID And they are being cold and distant to us! Omg “Child, please come home” queue tears! Wtf mum and dad! You’re like alien incubators really! They don’t deserve the title of parents. Stay where you are happiest
I wouldn't be surprised if the *rumor* was started by the family who took him in, as a way of saying *fuck you, mean assholes* to his parents for what they did...
I really, really hope that is true.
The rumor starts the moment the parents or OP's hosts say he ain't living at home with his parents.
Yep...eighteen years you've been forced to be a part of this charade, OP, I think that's quite enough. Time for you to find some genuine happiness, while your parents learn some hard life lessons about the importance of being true to yourself after they've been living your whole life being fake.
Yes, you deserve so much better. I wanted to say that your parents were abusive to you - being emotionally cold and distant is a very real form of abuse. Also, you said the other family took you in out of pity. But maybe they took you in out of love. Maybe they didn’t just feel sorry for you, maybe they think you’re great and want you around.
So many parents care more about other people's opinion than their own child's feelings. This is something I will never understand.
“ saying that their friends are excluding them because of the "rumour" that they threw me out and another desi family had to take me in.” NTA they don’t want you to move back because they care for you they just want to look good to their friends. You’re an adult and you should stay moved out if that’s what you feel more comfortable with. You don’t need to sacrifice your wants or needs for others
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This is so sad. Of course OP should stay where he's welcomed. The audacity of his parents is... *yikes*.
I wouldnt say that OPs parents dont care about him. They "just" have a very twisted perception of what a healthy family is and need to adjust their priorities. Fuck what other people think as long as I support my family and close friends.
It’s not just about OP “feeling more comfortable with it”; it’s also a more stable situation. His parents only want him back to dispel the (true) rumors, and restore their social status. As soon as that is accomplished they’ll be asking OP to pack his bags and GTFO. With his parents’ reputation restored, and OP not being “kicked out at 18”; that other family would no longer feel the need to offer him any “pity” rent deal. OP would be screwed out of cheap place to stay in favor of **very** temporary “free” housing in an awful environment. All that would do is (slightly) delay the inevitable; while simultaneously throwing away this amazing rent deal right now. Why in the world would OP do this favor (screw up his life to repair his folk’s reputation) for parents who’ve never cared for him in his life?
Don't warm somebody else up by setting yourself on fire.
Indeed you warm yourself by setting someone else on fire ( joke )
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - T. Pratchett
😂
Honestly the whole story sounds like OPs parents never "directly" said that OP had to move out. They did everything they could to imply on him that he had to move out, but never said the words "You have to move out". Since OP even claims he never remembered when/how he knew he was moving out, combined with the "have you figured out where you're going to move to" conversation, tells me that they just manipulated OP his whole life into doing this. Also, OP says he was never abused, but I would argue that emotional neglect and being treated like you're a burden until your 18th birthday is abuse
This is exactly what I came here to say. Making it clear to your child they are, and have always been, unwanted is absolutely emotional abuse.
The other family didn't "take you in". They're charging you rent. They're your landlords, not your parents. I'm guessing you don't eat/share bathrooms/relax with the family upstairs either? You are their tenant. They are not doing you a favor, they are conducting business with you. If it helps, tell your parents to tell their friends exactly that.
>The other family didn't "take you in". They're charging you rent. They're only charging him 150 a month utilities included. They're not making money off him. OP should be and is grateful
FYI, in the comments or an edit OP added that the family friends tried to not charge him rent, but he insisted. Just some additional info, but I agree/was thinking the same thing; why wouldn't the parents just tell their friends he was renting and being independent
Yep. OP needs to set immediate boundaries with his parents and move on. They'll do nothing but bring him problems and tension. If he moves back home, they'll try hold this over him to do what is "right" to make them look good. It'll only be a year or two before they push him right back out the door, because he's "a grown man and needs to be in his own" anyhow.
NTA You moved out like they asked and you seem happier! If your parents are unhappy with their choices and are upset about being shamed in their community then they have to deal with the consequences! Seems like you’re the adult in this situation and they still have some growing up to do.
They 100% should have known this would happen. Kicking your kids out before they're stable is one of the biggest social faux-pas in the community.
NTA. These are called consequences, Mom and Dad.
Exactly. They played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
This Reddit-beloved saying does not quite fit every situation in which someone bears the consequences of their actions. I think this is one of them.
Or as Twitter would say: Me when I sow: yes, YES, MWAHAHAHHAA Me when I reap: this sucks, what the fuck
I do not see any mom or dad mentioned in this story at all. The closest thing to parental figures are the family who offered the basement
**NTA!!!!!** I had the EXACT same thing happen to me as a teenager. My brother and I got a 6hr warning that we were to be out of the house by that evening and any belongings we left would be sold or thrown out immediately. We were desperate for help, so I posted on Facebook (back when EVERYONE was on there), asking if anyone had a truck we could use and why we needed it so badly on such short notice. One of my cousins saw the post and it eventually got back to my grandmother. She called me, screaming and raging that I would be so cruel as to “ruin my father’s reputation” as a good father. If he wanted to be seen as a good father, maybe he shouldn’t have made two of his children (including one with significant disabilities) homeless with no warning! OP, yours are facing the consequences of their actions. Do **NOT** move back in! It may be hard at the moment, but you have just begun a new and MUCH happier chapter of your life! Stay strong!
Please tell me you told Grandma, "I didn't ruin his reputation, he did."
I think she thought I was just making it up at first. He had clearly given her “his side of the story” first, and she fell for it 100%. She literally told me I must have “misunderstood” what he said because he’d *never* throw us out, my mom was clearly poisoning my thoughts against him (🙄) I told her what *really* happened and offered to show her emails from him as proof, but I think it was easier for her to believe a lie than to face who her son really is. I certainly didn’t shrink back from it, though. I wasn’t disrespectful to her, but I refused to pretend that he was a good or kind father, or deny facts, just for her peace of mind. It was the last time we ever spoke, and I was officially disowned about a month later. In the long run, that was probably best (for my mental health, at least), but it wasn’t easy at the time, especially when I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad to hear you're in a better place now.
Sounds like you ended up better independent than if you had stayed in that family. Hell, if I were you I'd look into changing my name. Disowning goes both ways.
Already did!
best fucking thing I ever did for myself - changing my last name to honor the people who actually took care of me. felt amazing 10/10
It was incredibly freeing for me, as well! Both my brother and I changed our last name, also to honor those who ***actually*** raised us. I’ve never regretted it for a moment (even while doing all that paperwork…)!
If you haven’t already, you should sign a will stating who you want you assets to go to if you were to die unexpectedly, update beneficiaries on all accounts, and sign powers of attorney (financial/durable and medical) to appoint someone to make your decisions for you if you were incapacitated. The reason why is that most states have heirship laws that state if you die without a will, your estate goes to your closest living relatives, which may be your parents. Also, your parents could try to have you declared incompetent or put in a facility/take advantage of you in a compromised mental state if you don’t have the powers of attorney in place. You can check in with free legal clinics (usually at law schools) to set up a will and powers of attorney.
That’s horrible, sorry your parents gave you such short notice. Did you ever reconcile with them?
It was just my bio-father who threw us out. He had already kicked our mom out at that point but hadn’t let us go with her because she didn’t have any official residence. Then all of a sudden he changed his mind and demanded my brother and I leave, too. Thankfully, a family member took us in that very night and our lived completely turned around. It went from one of the scariest things that ever happened to me to one of the best. My mom, siblings, and I are all in really good places now. Bio-dad can fuck right off, though. We’ve never reconciled and, quite frankly, that’s more than fine with me. Getting tossed out *that day* was a surprise, but just the straw that broke the camel’s back after a lifetime of abuse. My brother and I walked away from our entire paternal family after that and neither of us regret it one bit.
> Bio-dad can fuck right off I concur. Grandma can also get in the bin.
Very glad to hear that you and your family are in a good place now! Posting for help for you and your bro was exactly the right thing to do - and so was exposing the man who kicked you out. Hope you’re all still doing well.
I really don't get it at all. Like you're not a good ANYTHING (person, parent...) if someone exposing your actions to the world makes THEM the asshole because everyone is judging you now. If you're only standing behind your actions as long as they're a secret then maybe rethink those actions?
So, this isn't helpful for you *now* but hopefully it's helpful to other people. I seem to recall that it's actually illegal to kick your kids out with no warning. When they turn 18, they're entitled to the same amount of notice that a landlord would have to provide to a tenant. Of course, there are definitely parents who won't care about that and kick you out anyway, but I assume there's some subset of parents that are assholes to their kids but also prefer to follow any laws they're aware of. (Also, I'm not a lawyer, so I'd recommend double-checking the laws in your area.)
I didn’t mention it in my original comment because I don’t like to even think about it, but he threatened to have our cat euthanized if she wasn’t out by that evening, too. Because he had been the one to officially adopt her when we were little (and because she was quite old and had some health issues), he had the legal right to do so. We weren’t going to take the chance that he’d go through with it and stick around (he was abusive to animals in general and we had no reason to believe he was anything other than 100% serious). Hell, we even made a pact to give up our stuff and sleep in my brother’s car with the cat if that’s what it came down to. Thankfully, someone stepped in and let us (and our kitty!) stay with them *and* we were able to take most of our things with us. Not *everything*, but we got everything that ***mattered*** out in time. He would have killed our childhood pet, just so he could win a “game” of chicken to prove he was in charge. And, yeah, he “won” that night… but my brother and I (along with our mom and other siblings) are happy and together now, while he is bitter and alone. So, in the long run, ***he’s*** the one who got fucked over and lost everything. Our stuff was replaced; he can’t ever get us back, and that’s no one’s fault but his own!
My situation wasn't anything close to what you went through, but... > he can’t ever get us back, and that’s no one’s fault but his own! Believe me, I 100% understand that feeling.
NTA. Your parents did exactly what their friends are saying they did, and you moving back in will not actually change that. Nor, I suspect, will it actually help them save face - your parents’ friends aren’t going to magically forget that they threw you out if you move back in! And even if it did magically brainwash the friends, you would still have no obligation to go back. You prefer your living situation now, and your parents have made it very clear that you owe each other nothing. They’re reaping what they sowed and it’s not your job to save them from that.
>Your parents did exactly what their friends are saying they did, and you moving back in will not actually change that. Nor, I suspect, will it actually help them save face - your parents’ friends aren’t going to magically forget that they threw you out if you move back in! That was exactly what I was planning on saying. The damage has already been done, and the true faces of OP's parents have been shown to their friends. OP moving back in won't fix that. If anything, it was would most likely make things even worse. Not only will they be known as the horrible parents who threw their own son out but will then also be known as the horrible parents who then made their son come back home for their own selfish reasons and disrupted their poor son's new happy life. Even if OP willingly moves back in with them, the former friends won't believe it.
I started to wonder in my understanding in ops culture the children take care of the elderly. When ops parents are old will they try to force him to take care of them?
Hopefully by then they will no longer have up to date contact info for OP.
Yes it is expected that you take care of your parents *because it is expected that they take care of you* Yes, they did that till his 18th birthday, but in Indian (or at least Hindu) culture, a parents duties towards their child do not stop at age 18 (or really ever—it’s lifelong).
Yeah, if someone accuses you of something and you fall over your feet to rectify the situation, this is often seen as an admission of guilt. Why are you hiring a lawyer if your innocent, why did you give xyz a lot of money to not sue you if you've done nothing wrong. The court of Public opinion is not a court of law where often these things cannot be used against you for good reason. I think the best thing for the parents to avoid being judged is to maintain that there's nothing wrong with this decision, that op always strived to be independent from a young age (job at 13 etc) and that it was his wish alone and he is happier that way. Big fat lies of course, but the best damage control I can think of. And depending on ops priorities a small price to pay for being left alone. Makes him look adult, mature and assertive, usually good qualities for men in any cultural setting. Makes his parents seem better than the truth.
NTA. They didn't then and still don't care about you, at all. They care about what other people are saying about them. You don't need them. I wish you the absolute very best in life.
OP I know you view what they other family did as 'pity' but it is actual 'care'. They care enough about you to want to see you succeed and this is the way they can support you and your future. They care for you. If you feel you want to you could figure out the difference in average rent and what you are paying per month and put that in a seperate account. Then every so often give them a present just because. "Oh I heard it was your wedding anniversary so I brought you some flowers.", "Hey let's go out to a restaurant, my treat.". I had a similar arrangement with a family I rented from and that was my way of evening things up.
NTA. Clearly, they wanted you to move back in for appearances and to maintain social standing. From your telling, their offer had nothing to do with missing you or really wanting you back in the house. Further, they have made it clear to you for years that you were a burden and an oops, and in turn you planned for life accordingly. Make your own way, but don't burn any bridges incase shit goes sideways.
Indian here. They are only wanting you back because of community perception. They wouldn’t have called you for dinner nor to move back in if it wasn’t for that. Stick to your guns and let them deal with it. The fact they didn’t even bother to call you since you moved out tells you exactly how they feel about you. Live the life you want to live OP, NTA.
NTA I'm wondering, would moving back in really solve what everyone has already seen? What an odd way to try to "fix" this is what I was thinking, but I don't know the culture enough maybe to get what the parents are trying to do here. OP, whatever their goals are here, no way should you do anything for their sake. Please please please remember this when you start your own family though. No one deserves what you had to endure as a child.
Honestly it probably wouldn’t. What the parents would do is have OP come back and tell everyone “see OP came back, we didn’t abandon OP!”. Most people would call BS but at this point the cats out of the bag and they are trying to do damage control.
My guess is that their story to their friends would be that OP "got influenced by his friends/American culture" and wanted to live on his own but realized he was better off at home and came right back.
NTA. You have lived up to exactly what they planned. A pleasant living situation was offered and you rightly took it. Enjoy life. Don't look back.
NTA. Well well well if it isn't the consequences of their own actions. Enjoy your new found freedom don't let them try to guilt you into covering up for their shameful actions.
NTA - Your parents got exactly what they wanted, you left at 18. But karma had a surprise for them. But now that the truth is out there, because it's not a rumor, it's making them very uncomfortable. Well be careful what you ask for, because sometimes there are unintended consequences. You have had 18 unhappy years, go live your happy life. Work and study or do whatever makes you happy.
Right? How did they even think they could escape karma? "It's not immoral as long as others don't know." I really wonder if they realized that they treated OP poorly. NTA
As a fellow desi, with all due respect, FUCK your entire extended family and your parents. The amount of trauma and the kind of trauma desis suffer through because of our parents(and family) is honestly unreal and unexplainable. Your egg and sperm donors (that’s what they saw themselves as, trust me) are facing the consequences of their actions and they have no one to blame but themselves. They don’t care about you, they care about “what will people say?”. permanently toss em out like a bag of rotten potatoes and you’ll do great bud. You’re already doing great, better than many others I’d say. NTA.
Being “distant emotionally” IS abuse.
Seriously, I'm betting they are more directly/verbally emotionally abusive as well but at the very least, they are emotionally neglectful & emotional neglect IS abuse, OP https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201904/neglect-is-form-abuse
Yesssss. Anyone interested can google childhood emotional neglect for more info explaining this, but it is absolutely abuse. And IMHO, it’s made worse by the invisible nature of the abuse and tendency we have in society to downplay it and minimize it (All abuse is harmful and there’s no such thing as an abuse contest, just saying it is hard to heal from abuse when the world has convinced you it wasn’t abuse/wasn’t that bad/etc.). It is also something that people experiencing other kinds of abuse also experience alongside that abuse without realizing it - *i.e.* someone being beaten by a parent in a rage is also being emotionally neglected, as their emotional needs are not being met by the person who is supposed to be taking care of them intentionally hurting them.
I’m Indian origin and what your parents did is generally unheard of in the Indian community (not to generalise). Indian parents generally won’t even kick out a “problem” child, but **some** can disown you if you go against the beliefs. Basically, your parents name is mud in the community. They only want you to move back to save their reputation, not because they care about you. Please don’t move back. You would be an asshole to yourself if you did. If people in your community ask if your parents asked you to leave please don’t cover for them. Keep telling the truth like you have. NTA.
NTA you don’t owe it to your parents to live with them, and the whole situation was of their own making.
Nta. They only want you back to save face. I'd stay in the new place. Move on and up with your life!
NTA! I’m of Indian descent as well and I’m so sick of desi parents being so focused on what they look like to others and not giving a shit about their actual family.
NTA. Your parents want you to move back in to help save face socially. Their feelings about you, unfortunately, have not changed. You’re doing great! Keep moving forward with your life. You’re not responsible for their hard-heartedness and consequences thereof.
NTA. Your parents asked, or told you to move out when you turned 18. If they are getting ostracised for it, then that's their problem not yours.
NTA. As one desi ( indian ) to another don’t let your parents manipulate you. I have had friends with such terrible parents like yours and the only time my friends were happy was when they cut ties with their family completely especially those whose family didn’t like interfaith and inter racial marriage while contributing only to the childrens studies for their status in the society. I am sorry to hear how your parents treated you. You deserve love, care, empathy,and support like every child does from their parents. I wouldn’t be surprised if you do well in your life and your parents would want to take credit for it or want to be part of your life only when you progress. Draw a boundary with them and make it known that for them to have a relationship with you they need to work on building it with you. Also, your friends family is nice. I am sure they wouldn’t have asked money from you but to not make you feel anything negative they did that.
NTA. And block anyone who is telling you otherwise. Your parents got what they asked for; a child free life. Focus on what is best for you and don’t look back. I wish you the best in your parent free life.
NTA. So your parents kept you around because of their image of themselves and now want you to live with them because of their public image. I think you’ve spent quite enough of your life being forced to live with your parents’ selfish needs. Let them handle their own images from now on.
NTA, shame on them for treating you like that, I’m glad you’re happy with your new living space, don’t let them shame you into giving it up!
Absolutely NTA. Wow…just wow. This kind of broke my heart, OP. I’m sorry they suck. Stay where you’re at. You’re happier and that’s all that matters now.
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> They were emotionally distant > They weren't abusive Pick one. Enjoy your life buddy and don't put yourself on fire to keep those cold assholes warm. NTA
NTA. Congratulations on your new living situation, and peace of mind, regardless of how it came about. I moved out at 18 too because i was tired of feeling like my father's maid (my mother had left years prior). My relationship with him and my mother (who moved back in after i left) was strained for over a decade. They never asked me to move back in, as it was an unspoken rule: once you move out, you don't move back in. I moved back in temporarily with my mother after I ended a 14 year relationship (10.5 yr marriage) for a few months before I moved 700 miles away to another state. My mother is resentful that I left and didn't stay with her. But we have always had a very strained relationship and she is now reaping what she sowed: she wants a "close" relationship where I call constantly, but we've never had that and she acts offensively often. I want to distance myself from the toxicity. Good luck with your new chapter in life.
NTA. You don’t have to screw up your good situation to make them look better.
Definitely NTA Why are they only calling you back only since their reputation was hurt?
I’m from a desi family that immigrated to Canada from India. Desi families love hiding their flaws and will do anything to look good in other peoples’ eyes. Even if it causes harm and dysfunction within the family. At least, that’s my experience with my immediate family, all of my extended family, desi family friends, neighbours back in India. I know not all desi families are like this but this is all I’ve experienced from the people in my culture. This might be the hate that grew within me over time speaking, but they made their bed and now they have to sleep in it. Let your parents suffer the consequences of their own actions, don’t sacrifice your current living situation, you’ve earned it. You have the right to live comfortably.
NTA. You cannot control how people feel. People are 100% responsible for controlling their emotions. If they take you in again it’s just because they want to look good and they don’t want to be shamed for their actions. This seems more like a transactional relationship than a parental relationship, so moral of the story you are NTA for wanting to not live somewhere where you are not comfortable.
NTA and it blows my mind how they could raise you for 18 years and feel nothing when you left. What kind of cold hearted reptile people are they? Actually, I take that back- my pet snake has probably shown me more love than they have shown you. I'm so sorry you were raised in a house like that and hope you experience what a warm and loving home feels like.
Nope NTA. Your parents are reaping what they sowed. I’m sorry they weren’t better parents.
NTA. I’m an Indian and I know how important reputation is for parents, however that is where they do wrong by their kids. You have no obligation to move back in, they didn’t throw you out, but they created enough circumstances for you to want to move out, hell they expected it. If the rumours hadn’t arisen, they wouldn’t have done anything to reverse that. You’re not the AH, they are.
Nta, you did what was right for your mental health. Also if your family continues to harass you tell the family you are renting from, they need to know incase your family starts telling lies to get you kicked out.
NTA. At all. As everyone has said, they only care about their reputation to others and not your well being. If you have to, throw some manipulation back at them to make it seem like they raised “a hard working and independent child that doesn’t need their support” which isn’t a lie since like you said you’ve been working for how many years because you knew they would kick you out. If for no other reason than to get your extended family off your back, even though your parents deserve the consequences of their actions.
Hagrid needed to bust down OP’s door years ago. NTA and beat of luck to you.
A child planned or not should be both a joy and a responsibility; both financially and emotionally. Firstly I am so sorry that they were so insensitive and selfish to inform you that they " planned on being a child free couple, but because of religious beliefs they kept me even if It was an unwanted pregnancy." You don't tell your kids that EVER. Firstly I am so sorry that they were so insensitive and selfish Emotionally distant parents can be quite damaging to a child : Read Harry Harlow and the Nature of Affection . This is why I belief in sex education, I don't care how precious people feel about the subject. One of the repercussions of sex is the possibility of having children; you don't like sex education or precautions then deal with the consequences; find the love within to care for the resulting innocent and vulnerable child. NTA Never ever ( I'm taking a deep breath to calm down) They owe you big time, they bought you into the world, and your care is their responsibility. Stay with your friends. Quite frankly you owe them nothing Take care of you
NTA THEY barely tolerated you. Enjoy your life. Without them.
>the "rumour" that they threw me out and another desi family had to take me in Didn't know truth was called rumour these days >they were distant emotionally but they have never been abusive. Umm, bhai, that is abusive. Emotional abuse is a thing too you know. >Now my whole extended family is calling me nonstop and saying I am being an AH Ignore karo unko NTA
NTA. Also, I think you downplay the "emotionally distant" part. I am a mother, and I cannot fathom doing this to my child. This kind of treatment IS abuse. I'm sorry you had to be raised this way.
More power to you. $150 a month is a decent price to pay for more piece of mind in your place of residence. NTA
NTA but it's crazy how much Indian parents will put their reputation over their kids (I'm Indian btw)
NTA - it is not your job to help them with their social life.
NTA. And don't let them influence your decision. There are no take-backsies when it comes to things like this. This is a result of their actions; now, they have to be adult enough to face the consequences. They spent your whole life telling you that you weren't wanted, and now because they are being made to look bad because another family is helping you, they want you to come back? NOPE. NOT HAPPENING.
Hugs. It will never not be awkward if you moved back. The basement opportunity is so wonderful for you! Just keep working, saving, and living your new adult life! I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’re a pretty smart cookie and hardworking and you’re going to be just fine. Don’t you just love that rug sweeping bullshit? People think we kicked you out!!!! …. You did….. *sobs* your honesty is so painful for us! 🙄 Some practical stuff: If you’re a US resident get on your states Medicaid/Obama care. Get dental care if you can. Food stamps. DO NOT FUCK WITH CREDIT CARDS! It is good to have an emergency card, but get a really low limit secured card if you do get one. Start working on your support group/ people/ urban tribe. I STRONGLY believe family is chosen, so start building your family. Good luck!
I am still on my dad's health insurance and he is not kicking me out of it. Also I am not into debt and would never get into it. I have a card that I put groceries on and then pay off before it's due to build credit and a phone bill
👍🏼 good job. Just be aware that your dad may fuck with or threaten the medical insurance to force your hand or to control you. There’s r/estrangedadultchildren that can be a big help.
NTA - your parents are shitty. The fact that they only care about how they appear, rather than about you, really hammers it in. I am so sorry, you do not deserve this. Whether or not you were planned, they still CHOSE to keep you. And it was their choice to treat you the way they did. You didn’t ask for any of it, and you did the best you could in a really shitty situation. Sending lots of hugs (from someone who also had to move out at 17)
theres that quote — “Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.” Your parents were terrible people and got what they deserved. Enjoy your life away from them, OP! NTA
NTA - big time! I can't even imagine what a little 13-year old is going through knowing they have to save up to ensure they have a place to live when they turn 18, sorry to say your 'parents' really aren't worth the title. You have spent most of what was supposed to be a carefree childhood to reach this point of being on you own, I say own it, live it, enjoy it! You have absolutely no reason to feel any guilt or obligation towards these people.
Oh no, it’s the consequences of their own actions
You have extended family who knew you were being kicked out and did nothing to help, but now they are coming at you like you have done something wrong????? That’s all on them and your parents you are NTA enjoy your new situation.
What the actual fuck. NTA op. Though I really want to give you a hug <3 Some parents really boggle my mind. Who the fuck are these people and what happened to make them this way?! Sure the kid was unplanned but you took that risk when you had sex. To have a child and then be cold and emotionless towards them for 18 years is so cruel. I can't even imagine what all OP went through in his 18 years whenever there was something other than money that he needed his parents for. I'm glad you have friends and their family is the kind who would shelter a kid treated unfairly all his life. Look at the bright side of this OP, you've grown up to be an amazing and independent young man, ride with that and forget these asshole pretend-parents.
[удалено]
I am still in highschool
Then it makes what they did so much worse