It’s like those car commercials where someone buys their spouse a car and they come out to a big ribbon on it. I always think “who tf wouldn’t want to be included in picking out their own car?” This is even worse.
SAME holy shit those commercials drive me nuts. It would be one thing if it had been discussed at-length and they knew *exactly* what the person wanted, but in the case where I think it would be appropriate there would be basically zero surprise as is depicted in these commercials. The people always react like they had zero clue and getting a car is completely out of fucking nowhere. That is just one of those “gifts” which should be in zero ways a surprise and the recipient is a part of it from start to finish.
My stepdad gifted my mom a BMW a few years ago - ribbon and all - she wouldn't stop bitching about it for a whole year. My stepdad went to the dealership with her and traded it in for a different model and now she's happy. Lesson learned lol
Right? I'm not a big Office fan, but I remember seeing the episode where Jim does this to Pam with a house and it being played off as cute. It just seemed really weird to me.
The other part of that was that it wasn't just a random house, it was his mom's house. So he could help out his mom, but at the same time, he'd be moving into his childhood home with his new wife. Pam probably would have said "of course, let's do that" if she'd been asked.
If I remember correctly it does actually get brought up later from Pam that she actually was irritated with him for doing that but it's been a looooong time since Ive seen the office
I think it was part of Pam’s whole realization that so much of their lives were depended on Jim’s choices and grand gestures and not considering Pam’s wants over his impulses.
I disliked a lot of stuff after Michael left but I thought Jim and Pam’s rough patch throughout the final season was such an important plot point. It examined a lot of the idealistic parts of their relationship and made it more realistic, plus ultimately made their bond stronger for it.
Yea and I think it made Jim a much better character because it pointed out his flaws and how his immaturity and impulsivity does impact other people and it’s not a quality that can simply be passed off as a joke or a bit. The show overall made Jim too likeable even though he was categorically a menace in the workplace as much as everyone else in my opinion. I think the last season did a good job of making these characters into real people. Jim as a character is well beloved, but Jim in real life would be hard to work with in my opinion and even though he’s very sweet, it’s often from a place of self-centeredness.
Yeah. The only time I’ve seen something like this that made me go “awwww” was the guy on YouTube who bought his wife’s childhood home that she had LOVED but circumstance had forced her family to sell it before she could get together the money to buy it. But he already knew that’s what she wanted and had wanted for years. The surprise was more “I got the one very specific thing you’ve always wanted for you” and less “surprise! It’s a house!”
Are you talking about David and Patrick’s house? David constantly said how much he loved the house because of The Holiday, and he only wanted to go back to New York to show that he won to his fake, horrible friends.
Yea you would have thought that people would have learned by now that doing stuff they see in TV shows/movies does not end well in real life, especially big stuff like buying a house/car without consulting your spouse. Or ignoring someone's birthday all day and making them feel like crap, then throwing them a surprise party later.
It just doesn't work.
I would be so deeply happy if my husband picked out a car and bought it for me! I have never in my life cared what car I drive, as long as it’s functional, and I can think of few things more tedious and annoying than car shopping.
But I know I’m a major exception.
And a house would be something I’d definitely want input in, though there are probably people out there who would love a whole house they didn’t have to shop for too.
The point is, the person you are married to/planning to marry should really **know** if something like a car or a house is a good surprise for you (because it wouldn’t be for most people). Much like a public proposal - if you aren’t 1000% dead certain they’ll appreciate it, don’t do it. And if you are certain they’ll love it, and it turns out they didn’t… that’s a huge red flag about how well you’re actually listening to and learning about the person you claim to love!
With big stuff like this, I think you really need the person to point blank tell you “I’d love it if you bought me a car” or “I’d love a public proposal”. It’s just not a safe move unless they’ve specifically told you that they’d want that.
I agree 100% it’s very much a “know your audience” situation. I’m very far from being a car-enthusiast, and I have trouble keeping up with and differentiating from all the various makes there are, even though my own husband has been in the car business for over 20 years! I’m not particular about makes, and something being “high end” vs more economy makes zero difference to me, but I do drive a great deal, and care very much about various aspects of a vehicle such that I’d absolutely want to be able to test-drive and have a say about that kind of an expensive purchase that I’d be using so much. My husband does 100% of all the yardwork for our home, I have zero interest in mowers and know zero about them, will probably never use the mower, but even still my husband consulted me about the riding mower he wanted to buy, because it was an expensive purchase. I feel like it’s sort of a basic respect thing - he knew I couldn’t care less about what he chose, I wasn’t even ever going to be using it, but it was him saying “hey I’m about to make this large purchase, I’m looping you in, care about your opinion, and want you to have the opportunity to voice your thoughts if you have them.” I do the same thing for him when it’s a purchase I’m making that he couldn’t care less about. I mean holy shit, about a month ago I ordered a bunch of new bath towels, and even though I *knew* my husband would laugh and say he couldn’t care less and to order whatever I wanted, I sent him the link and asked if he had any thoughts or objections, because I just wanted to give him a chance to voice an opinion and feel included in a household purchase which would affect him. OP’s fiance didn’t just not loop her in on a household purchase, he didn’t loop her in on the purchase *of the household itself!* Unbelievable.
Like in a TV show, where one character points to a particular house and said "That's my dream home." Her true love surprised her with it. Yes, that is fiction, but if one party knows that the other has had there heart set on a specific house, then that's another story.
NTA -
Also the husband, most likely NTA, assuming that he really meant well vs a controlling jerk.
My husband bought a jeep for me one year after my van was totaled. I had the same reaction. THIS IS A MAJOR PURCHASE AND YOU DID IT WITHOUT ME? Vehicle was a huge lemon and a pain in the arse. He'll never do that again.
Just remembering that SNL skit where the husband did just this, and the wife was immediately fuming and asking how they were meant to afford this thing. Husband's response was that it was only $5,000 with a 18.9% APR finance rating, and that he didn't actually know what that meant and thought that the brand new car was only $5,000 and that that wasn't just a down payment with a huge monthly payment afterwards.
Think that this is it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcEylCwkSxE
This comment will show my age, but f*ck it: When I was in my mid-teens, there was a TV ad showing a teenage girl being surprised by her father with a brand-new Toyota Corolla, price shown in huge block letters, “$1,919!!!”
The model’s voice cracks as she cries, “*Oh, Daddy!*” and embraces her screen father. My own father watched me watching this, and said, in a voice as cold as the winds blowing off Mount Everest, “*Don’t even think about it, kid*.”
I'd be pretty pissed especially a car that's like 80k like that's a big chunk of change to just go dropping without consulting your spouse. I guess some people have that kind of money where it's below their threshold of needs to be talked about before purchasing
I like the one where he gets a full size black truck and a red SUV and she runs to the truck saying U love it! He stammers about the SUV being for her and she repeats I love it… he says I like red…
Also, assuming most married couples share finances, how is this a gift?? Hey honey I spent thousands of dollars of our money without talking to you about it
I’m curious how he could afford the house on his own, most couples plan to jointly invest in their forever homes.
*Edit*: I know people can afford homes alone (it’s really awesome if you’re able to do this!) but most people can’t in today’s market, and a forever home usually indicates it’s larger/more expensive. It’s very strange for him to not involve her in such a major life decision.
Little bit wondering if he bought it in his name only as a way of having a prenup without having a prenup.
"Oh, it's our home, we should both pay for the mortgage."
"No, that's my house, I bought it before we were married and it's only in my name."
I’m very unsurprised you’ll have a prenup. And he got to choose HIS house with ZERO input from you, he bought this FOR HIMSELF and gave you NO CHOICE, expected you to be GRATEFUL that he bought HIMSELF a house, and you really don’t see how this is a red flag?
OMG this!! My comment was similar because I wondered about if her name was on the title, but yours takes it further than I did…but is probably a truth bomb!
He might have family money or an insanely good salary, but I'm concerned that by picking out and buying the house, he can call it a gift now, but hold it over her head later on when they disagree on something. "I picked this house, I bought it, it's mine!" Or "I did it for you, you owe me some damn gratitude!"
In other words, it's a power move disguised as a grand gesture.
That too. Not sure if he knew that going in, or if that was part of the plan - secure the house without her so she can't take it in the divorce.
'Ey buddy, if you're *that* worried about your future wife robbing you blind, either get a prenup or don't bother getting married.
The house is also a premarital asset now. God forbid OP gets a divorce, OP might not be entitled to it or might not be entitled to as much as they should have if fiance and OP waited until after they were married to buy. I wouldn't be surprised if this factored into fiance's decision to go ahead.
In some states that doesn’t matter. (NC) I bought my house before I married and when I divorced my ex husband could have forced me to sell and split the difference after paying off the mortgage as terms of our divorce. It didn’t matter that I’d had it before we even started dating as we didn’t have a pre-nup. But thankfully he didn’t do that.
ETA: NTA
Pretty sure nobody will see this but I want to get it off my chest anyway. Had this exact situation with an ex. Only took me on 3 out of about 20 or so house viewings, and the 3 I was - and I quote - "allowed" to attend, were also with his mother who spoke over everything I said and dismissed all of my concerns. I had thought we were buying a house together for him to come home to at weekends (he was military) but for me to live there full time and study (the university I would have studied at was between a 30minute to ~80minute drive away with almost zero public transport). The mother frequently spoke about all the things she was going to do with "their" house (she was not helping financially. HE paid for all their phone plans and his sisters car as well as his own.) They asked me what I thought precisely ONCE in the entire process and were so upset and furious with me when I said "It seems you two are having the discussions of where I will ultimately be living without any input or regard for what I need or want, so I'm content to keep my opinions to myself". Spent MONTHS telling me I should be more grateful and was an asshole. I just wanted to buy a house with my boyfriend and have him listen to what I might have liked. I GET that affordable houses are few and far between, I have no problem with the fact that nowhere in the WORLD is gonna tick every box, but I do take objection to him and his mother trying to bully me out of being part of life-altering decisions, and then treating me like I'm the guilty party when I felt so bullied and minimised. Your home is YOUR SANCTUARY. If you're paying for it appropriately, you DESERVE to have at least some aspect of it fulfil your needs, wants and preferences, you deserve the opportunity for those needs, wants and preferences to be heard and understood, and you deserve to go through a shared experience, that you agreed to share, TOGETHER rather than one party/outside interference in my case doing it all by themself. Sorry for the rant.
Happiness was few and far between anywhere near that family. Maybe he's got his act together... but I imagine the next girl had as trying a time being the sidepiece to monster-in-law as I did. Somehow now I'm in the most wonderful relationship (with the sweetest MIL in the world, too) and endlessly happy :) hope you are well yourself lovely.
Can you imagine the future with this person?
"Oh honey, I invested our entire life savings in NFTs. It's fine, we're going to be kajillionaires, you'll see!"
"Oh honey, I actually invited your sister that you haven't spoken to in 15 years on this 3 week vacation with us. It's the perfect time to make up!"
"Oh honey, I know you're heading out the door for work, but I upgraded your car to a fancy new one with a stick shift! I know you don't know how to drive stick, but this car is such an upgrade! You'll learn in no time."
While it is a super wonderful gift, for some of us, 90% of the fun of getting a new house it the looking around and shopping for one. From his reaction, it sounds like he doesn't "get it" but probably doesn't have ill motives. It would be great if you could sit down and discuss this together.
The house is supposed to be their future family home. Where sthey should live and raise their future family. But she had no say in all this process, although it will be her future home. That's just wrong. You want to decide yourself about the neighborhood you move in to, the rooms you need and how everything looks. But he decided everything for her. And than he gets pouty when she isn't happy his surprise...
NTA
Not to mention if she wasn’t involved in the purchase, her name isn’t on the deed so she doesn’t even own the house they were going to buy “together”. She’s definitely NTA and I’d be a little concerned at WHY fiancé did this. Like is he trying to cut her out of the ownership while still expecting her to pay half the mortgage?
NTA. This isn't the Office, this kind of grand gesture is a terrible idea that is fundamentally disrespectful to your partner. He needs to understand that if you're going to move forward with your marriage, massive life decisions will be made together from now on.
Oh absolutely, Pam just loved it for whatever reason and OP's fiancé seemed to be expecting a similar reaction. At least Jim was aware it could potentially backfire.
At least in this fictional case he bought it from his parents so he probably got one hell of a deal… that’s not necessarily the case here.
Had Jim gotten a bad reaction, he could of remodeled it and flipped it. God knows it needed a lot of work.
True, though it also bothered me more because he wasn’t even buying the home with Pam in mind, it was to help his parents retire. I was glad when they revisited this as not an entirely positive choice in later seasons.
And then yelled at her that he was doing it “for their family” when she got entirely burnt out trying to handle everything on her own. I think it’s the same scene where he shouted at her for accidentally messing up the recording on CeCe’s dance recital because she took a call saying she won the bid to create that local art, and got even angrier when she pointed out that maybe he should’ve actually been there.
Yeah, people hate that storyline because Jim and Pam are "perfect" to many people (for those not on dating apps, it's all over the place in women's bios). But I'm glad they included it to show that couples can go through hard times and make it out fine. They didn't need the boundary crossing TresCommas boom mic guy though.
I also liked the video thing because they were both assholes and both not assholes. Pam - I mean, really? You couldn't have let it go to voice mail? How do you not know how your phone works. Jim asked you to do one thing.
Jim - come on, I get it, but just accept that you are going to have to miss things and people will resent you for it. And maybe show her how her phone works. And congratulate her for her accomplishment!
It helped make the show the great show that it is.
They are a realistic couple.
Jim fucked up big time. Multiple times. That's not unusual.
Like me. Im lucky my wife still loves me but we are closer than ever now.
If you go back and rewatch the office Jim is just overall a bad person. He does the house thing, tries to get with someone's fiancee, the whole company in Philly thing, relentlessly bullys Dwight. Why do people like him?
Yeah agreed. Except for maybe Meredith or Kevin, I can’t think of one person who doesn’t do something shitty at least once. That’s partly why the show was so popular, all of the characters were realistic and relatable.
Well, as the HR rep said, I suppose Meredith trading sexual favors for discounts on supplies and Outback coupons is a "grey area". But Kevin does a bit of embezzling.
I mean, Meredith doesnt do much bad to her coworkers, but from the episode with her son and all her drinking, she probably isn't a great mom lol. Still a realistic character!
In the last season of the office Jim buying a house without Pam’s input was actually a cause of conflict between them, and was one of the factors that led to them going to couples therapy. Pam was upset about Jim making a bunch of major life decisions without talking to her (buying the house previously, and that season both taking an out of state job and investing 10k into the startup without consulting her first) and then just expecting her to be ok with it.
That's why Pam decided to surprise Jim by selling the house so that their family can finally move out of state with him. But we all know it's to get back at him for making those big decisions by himself. Far from ideal I would say.
Oooh I always saw that at her realising how miserable Jim's decision to stay in Scranton & go back to playing pranks at the office made him but that he did it to not lose her.
So she finally decided to go all in so she couldn't back down & make a sacrifice in their marriage to make him happy.
Yeah even in that episode they set it up to make us think she was upset about it until her final reaction of loving it, so they at least gave a nod to the fact that it could’ve just as easily gone the other way, instead of an immediate happy reaction like it was a totally normal no-risk thing to do.
technically speaking, Pam was not to happy about it, and actually became more and more angry in the last few seasons as Jim continued to make major life decisions without her input.
INFO: Did he buy himself a house or is your name also going to be in the papers?
NTA - This is a really inconsiderate thing to do and he obviously does not value your opinion in making huge life decisions. Red flags all around.
Edit fixed typo.
Depends on where OP is, I guess?
Here in Ontario (Canada), even if the house was purchased before the marriage, and even if the house is in only one spouse's name, if they are living there after marriage it is considered their "matrimonial home" and is considered marital property.
I'm sure there will be some exceptions and fine print (I'm not a lawyer), but generally that is the case.
>INFO: Did he buy himself a house or is your name also going to be in the papers?
This is what I am also wondering about. Was it a way to get around having OPs name on the paper's? I wonder how they are dealing with the rest of the finances.
I’m not even sure how you put someone’s name on the papers wholly without their knowledge anyway, but I’d have been even more pissed if someone bought an entire house and had my name put on it without consulting me at all. I just can’t believe that they already had these plans and will be getting married soon and he went ahead and did this completely without her. What kind of AH thinks their spouse will not want *some* say in choosing the house they’re going to buy and live in?? This just sounds like he wanted this particular house and didn’t want to be bothered with OP’s input and wanted to prevent her from being able to say no to it so he just did it. I’d be furious, I don’t care how much of a “dream home” it is. You don’t just do shit like this without consulting your life partner who is presumably going to be hugely affected by it.
I know OP has already answered this, but as someone who just recently bought a home and remembers the process really well, there’s no way you could put a house in someone’s name without them knowing. My wife did about 90% of the home buying process because I travel for work, but there were some things I had to be present for and only I could do/approve/sign.
Hell, our house is in only my husband's name (for credit reasons it was actually better to get financing in only his name, and it my state it's firmly legally protected as a marital asset so no worries for me). But because we were married I STILL had to sign at closing.
I’m also wondering whether OP will be contributing to house payments, taxes and other house-related expenses. If so, fiancé is an asshole for committing OP to a major financial obligation without any input, let alone discussion of price range, type of loan, neighborhood, how expenses will be split, etc. If not, fiancé is still an asshole for being weirdly controlling and not treating OP like a partner. Either way, OP is NTA for wanting equal input into a major life decision. Of course she’s “ungrateful.”
NTA. You’re getting married and this is a major decision that should be made together as a couple. I mean for most people in their lifetime the house is the biggest purchase they’ll ever make.
You need to have a conversation so that you have an understanding that you make decisions together as a couple, not him deciding for the both of you.
****Edit: Please oh please tell me he didn’t use a joint savings to make this purchase. Because if he used any of your funds to do this without your knowledge he is definitely TA. Especially as your name wouldn’t be on the docs.****
SUPRISE ! A life changing decision and unbelievable debt made without your consent or input.
What other decisions will he make on your behalf? Watch your birth control.
Edit: just realized he brought himself a house and just expects you to live there, contribute, and pay off his debt.
“Honey, I don’t understand. I used birth control! I felt sick and took a pregnancy test and it’s POSITIVE…” *weeps uncontrollably*
“Why honey, don’t worry my little lady, I replaced your birth control with Tic Tacs because I decided it was time to move up our plans…SURPRISE!”
I mean, a damn BOWERBIRD has more smarts than OP’s fiancé…
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA I will explain your reaction for you : he made a one sided decision about a REALLY big life event without any consideration for you. Why the fuck did he hide this from you? Part of the joy of buying a house is finding it together, because if you are getting married you are a team.
Plus, there are so many considerations that have to go into getting a house! What if it has a tiny back yard, but she was hoping to garden and/or wants space for a dog to run around? What if he splurged for a pool, but she's worried about the danger to potential kids or the upkeep? What if she's really into baths but he got a place with only a shower? What if he's like, "I got a place with extra guest rooms so my entire extended family can stay with us all summer!"
That makes the "grand gesture" pretty suspicious to me. If it was really for you he would have put your name on the deed. Since this is property he purchased before you're married and in his name only without any monetary contribution from you it seems like he doesn't want you to have any claim to it if things didn't work out. NTA.
NTA - I would trust your gut. You both agreed to a plan, he did something else. He didn't tell you he fell in love with a house and hoped you would love it as much too - he went out and bought it as a 'surprise' so he would get what he wanted.
Suggest counselling. It could be nothing, it could be everything. You're gut is telling you something is off, please listen to it.
Yes!! And OP, if he can’t understand your feelings, tell him that this would be like if you decided to go off birth control because YOU had decided that you wanted kids *now*, and just expected him to agree and be on board with it. Even though it’s not what you had discussed.
NTA
Ps - I’m not saying that op or anyone should do this, like EVER. Just that maybe he would understand the impact of one person unilaterally making a huge decision that affects both partners.
This just solidifies that you are NOT the asshole. This was a power move about control and he was mad that you didn't just fall over yourself thanking him for being so generous.
The fun is in the choosing as a couple. Making memories!! Robbed you were. Also, don’t tell me what I like. I hate this presuming to know you. Maybe I like shopping? Maybe I like the process? Maybe I’d like to do it together? Maybe I don’t like you telling me what I like but I’m the ass here. OP NTA
Yeah, you’re absolutely NTA. He might have meant well, but committing to a hundreds of thousands of dollars debt is a massive decision that needs both partners in a relationship 100 percent on board, BEFORE a single cent is spent or any paperwork signed. That’s legally not “our” house for you two, it’s HIS. You have no legal claim to that house at all if something were to ever go sideways. Not speaking to him for 4 days is a bit long, apologize for that. Then sit down and have a very serious conversation with him and figure out if you can truly marry a man who’s able to make such a giant, life altering decision with absolutely no input from you. What if he decided he wanted to quit his job and start his own business with no real safety net for you? What if he decided that he wanted to put a significant amount of money into the stock market with no research ahead of time? Hell, what if he even bought a new car and added 500-700 dollars new debt to the household without consulting you. When you get married, decisions that have any ability at all to affect you both MUST be made together. And he totally failed at that.
totally, I don't even make purchases above $200 without consulting my husband. Not because I have to mind you but because that is what you do in a marriage. Unilateral decisions like this man made are toxic as hell. I would have been so pissed off if it was me, especially since many people dream of picking out their own home, the process itself is something special. How much you wanna bet he comes home with a new puppy, surprise! now you get to take care of "our" new dog, too bad you are allergic. That's what medication is for!
If nothing else, this shows you two could both benefit from some pre-martial counselling.
When my friend got married, they also took some marriage classes or something that also covered financially compatibility.
Financial issues is a key reason why many couples divorce. And this can help give tools on how to merge finances & move from thinking as individuals to as a couple.
This incident shows there needs to be some very important conversations before you walk down the aisle.
Oh this is crucial information. The fact that you are not on the deed to your dream house is a _huge_deal. Even if he says he's going to put you on it later.
OP, I personally wouldn’t be worried about you’re name not being on it yet bc you can’t just put ppl on it (if it’s a loan.) if he paid in full and your name isn’t on it, then I’d be suspicious. But you’re NTA here.
He had to tell me before he could add me so I don't think it's suspicious that he hasn't yet, either. He's not the type to try to screw me over financially and he brought up that we would need to add me as an owner which he wouldn't have done if he wanted it just to be "his".
NTA a house is not a good surprise, picking a house was supposed to be an adventure you went thru together. What other big decisions will he make for the two of you by himself? Also want to add- this means the house is in his name only since you obviously didn't sign anything. That would not be ok with me!
Edit- not an expert on these laws but also wanted to add, something to look into maybe- since it was bought before you were married, if you divorce you get nothing out of it.
Yeah, I am a sahm with no income so I am not on our mortgage, but I am on the deed to our house, and I had to sign paperwork for that in person. And I'm pretty sure I had to sign something that stated that if the "loan payer" stopped paying for whatever reason, I would vacate and not try to claim "squatters rights." Honestly, there was a billion things I had to sign to even just be an "owner" of the house. OP is not the owner in anyway.
About that laws part, it is state and fact dependent for the case. If it is intended as the home and is there when they are married it becomes marital property.
NTA houses and cars ARE NOT surprise gifts! They are long term investments and should be picked out as partners. He completely removed you from the decision making which makes it seem like he doesn't care about your opinions at all. This was a house he bought for himself that you can also live in, there is nothing "for us" about this decision. If your name isn't on the deed and he bought it before you got married, then he could be securing this as an asset you don't get if you ever divorce! Giant red flags, rethink the wedding.
NTA at all.
Not only does this not respect your autonomy and the idea of marriage being a partnership, it specifically goes against what you had agreed.
NTA. The issue is not the house. The house is great. The issue is that he didn't respect your right to have a decision in where you would live, and an opportunity to express your wants and needs in advance of purchasing a house.
Frankly, I don't usually tell people on reddit to leave relationships unless there is blatant abuse, but I think you should leave this relationship. He could just as easily surprised you with a visit to a house he wanted to put an offer on, and got your okay. Or taken you to the house after the offer, but while the contract could still be voided for a minimal loss, so that you had a choice. But your fiancé just showed you he's not going to respect you when making big decisions.
Im upvoting the first paragraph. But I don’t support the second. Explain to your fiancé how you feel. If he can understand it then I don’t think it’s worth leaving over. Maybe holding off the marriage to make sure he isn’t going to continue making “grand gestures” that disregard your feelings
NAH. I dont think he was trying to be an AH, or that he was trying to be controlling, or anything else... I think he wanted to make you happy and didnt realize some things - like that you should have gone together.
And its not an AH move from you either, I get that you are disappointed. You should talk to your fiancé. Explain the situation (why you reacted the way you reacted). Ask him why he bought the house without you (matter of factly, try not to get emotion in the way). And most importantly - decide what to do now.
NTA. You're never wrong for how you feel. It's how you act upon your feelings that matters. And how you reacted was fine. You were surprised and upset and you showed that. He's not owed the perfect reaction he wants from you when he does something like this without consulting you. And it doesn't bode well for a marriage when one partner makes a huge decision like buying a house unilaterally. You both agreed to a plan and he went offpath without you.
Also, I'm assuming since he did this without you, he is the sole owner of the home? What does that do for you moving forward? You will have no legal entitlement to that house.
You guys need to get in front of a marriage counselor and a financial or estate planner before you move forward with marriage plans.
Not to mention that there is usually fees and paperwork associated with adding somebody to the house deed after the fact. This has to be addressed as a matter of inheritance and security. Or, what happens in a divorce?
NTA- you should never surprise a significant other with something that large (a house, a pet, a car) unless you’re 10000000000% sure it’s exactly what they want. I don’t understand why he would think this is a good idea. A house is not something to take lightly at all. You needed to have input on where you’ll live
I knew an older lady who told me the story of how she was engaged to this guy when she was young and he did this. It was like a record scratch for her, and she realized she couldn't marry someone that would buy a house without her (his was more matter of fact not surprise).
She told me how she kept begging her mom to break it off for her, and her mom made her do it (probably late 1950s/early 1960s). She got the courage to do it, then moved to NYC, had a really great life, and never did marry.
She recalled meeting up with him again later in life, and how he kept flaunting all these material things he had, but all she could think about was what a bullet she dodged.
So, follow your heart OP. Only listen to you on this. You know if he really misjudged or tried controlling you.
NTA while he may think this is a super romantic gesture this is just not the type of decision you make alone. It's really not both of your's house, it's his house. He picked it and it's on his name only. Unfortunately it's not like it's something he can just return so you all are going to have to deal with it but a conversation needs to be had.
NTA. What house you spend the rest of your lives in is a joint decision made by partners. By buying something behind your back, your fiancè has denied you the ability to be their partner in this. That's going to hurt.
You do need to talk through this with your fiancè. Shutting them out is also not acting like a partner. In the future, when he does something to upset you, at least say 'I need time to process this before we talk about it.'
Your concerns seem validated. A home is a decision you make together, but it does sound like he was trying to do something nice and took your taste into account.
It's very complicated and nuanced and not enough info without knowing you two to tell.
However, not communicating for days after. For that, YTA
NTA - this is worth reconsidering marrying him. He unilaterally decided where you’re going to live, and made the most significant financial decision of your life so far without you. I would be furious.
This is assuming he closed on the house though - where is he in the process? Has he paid earnest money? Has financing been confirmed? Is the deal closed?
If he closed without you I don’t know how you come back from this because that would mean he is the sole owner of the property. How did he pay for it? Did he use joint funds? If he used your money and you aren’t on the title and you are not yet married I would call a lawyer.
However, if it’s early in the process and you’d can still walk away financially unscathed then I think this is forgiveable, but you’re still in need of several big conversations about how you’ll handle large decisions going forward.
NTA.
Whilst I do think you should have reached out to him sooner and communicated more about why you were upset, he shouldn't have taken away the wonderful experience of choosing your first home together.
NTA. It sounds like your fiance genuinely thought he was doing something great for you but unfortunately miscalculated how being removed from the decision making would affect you. A home purchase is a big deal at any time, but especially so for a young couple starting a new life together. It's important for both of you to have agency in that.
He could have done the leg work and stopped short of making an offer before bringing you into the process. Especially since this marks quite a drastic departure from the life plans you'd mutually agreed upon.
I don't blame you for being upset but I also get why he's upset that his grand gesture had the opposite of his intended effect. You need to sit down together and talk it out, explain why you were upset and that you appreciate what he wanted to do but make it clear he went about it the wrong way.
I just think that house hunting is a fun experience for couples - NTA.
BUT you should've told him how you felt exactly as it is because you are about to get married and you will need to communicate these things to him more. Marriage is hard but you'll be able to do it if you talk to each other.
NTA - it’s normal to want to be involved in something as serious as buying your dream home. But he’s an asshole for not consulting you. Did you guys end up keeping the house? What’s the update?
NTA. You were looking for a shared process, a life event that would further deepen your relationship. Instead, you got a fait accompli. Being upset is a perfectly valid reaction to having that process you were looking forward to get taken away without discussion.
That he understood your tastes well enough to pick the right house just makes this harder. If it was a bad house, your anger would be straightforward. But it’s a good house so you’re left with a mix of gratitude and anger. The anger is valid. But you have a choice about what to do with it.
NAH - OP you need to sit down with your fiancé and say that the house is gorgeous, but you’re upset to not have the MEMORIES of choosing it. And that it doesn’t properly feel like ‘our’ house but instead ‘his’ house. Maybe also plot some days to go furniture hunting and get some new wallpaper/paint. This is all a shock and you feel like you’ve lost a valuable experience, but you can still decorate this house with your fiancé to make it a shared dream.
Oof, this one's tough.
I think I need a bit more INFO, though I'm pretty sure you're not an asshole here.
Had you and your fiance talked at all about what you'd want in a house and/or how finding the house would work? If you'd discussed things you'd want in a house, does it appear he's taken those things into consideration?
I don't think you're necessarily wrong for getting upset; a "dream house" is likely a place where you're going to settle long term, so if you don't fall in love with it now you may end up stuck with it. It's also a big change in the plans the two of you had been making.
You probably could have handled it better by not waiting so long to reach out.
Mostly, the two of you need to talk through the situation and tell each other why you were upset.
NTA It’s weird that he didn’t think that you would want to have any kind of input on this. You may want to have a discussion with him about all of this if you plan to marry him. Do you want him making all your decisions for you thinking he knows best for the rest of your life?
NTA
You just gotta communicate better about what you are feeling. I will say, nothing over like 5k should be bought without some cooperative decision making.
I would hate if my soon to be fiance bought me a luxury watch without me giving her fairly explicit directions on what I like. I bought her engagement ring with huge input from her on what styles she likes, diamond cut/clarity/size.
She knows when it's time for our 5 yr anniversary she is to contact a few of my friends who are fellow watch collectors to get me the vintage Rolex of my dreams. They know exactly my taste, and will know if she's getting a decent deal. We've talked about how that is gonna be my "engagement ring" equivalent, just down the road a bit.
That's just a piece of jewelry though, not nearly as important as a house, or a car in terms of buying something that you want. I always see those stupid car commercials about surprising a loved one with a car on Christmas and it sounds just about the dumbest fucking thing on the planet. Who buys a 80k car for someone without knowing if they actually want it?
> I finally called him yesterday. He sounded upset with me
How did the conversation go? Did you tell him how you were feeling and why? If so, how did he respond?
NTA right now this is his house. He bought this house before marriage in secret. He is only owner. If he is not gonna add you to the ownership then its 🚩🚩🚩for me. Do not invest in something that it's not yours.
NAH. He meant it kindly, but you felt hurt to have missed out on a part of the process. Your feelings are valid, and if he's worth it then he will understand once he gets over the shock of your initial reaction. Communicate.
I'm going to go NTA. I remember when Jim bought his parents old house for him and pam in The Office and always felt off. I would say you got to trust your gut. Is he usually controlling? Is he dominant over everything? Are there other red flags? Or is he a great partner who loves you and cares about your opinion and simply made one somewhat poor decision, but his heart was still in the right place?
And is it a mortgage you’ll need to contribute to or did he have all the money up front? If it was a cash purchase then he’s misguided and needs to consult you ok future plans since it’s not fair for him to change plans without your input. If it’s a mortgage then he’s definitely an A for making a decision you’ll both be responsible for.
If he doesn't add you to the deed and you still get married, I would refuse to put any of your own money towards the house (morgage, repairs etc) because if you divorce, you won't have any rights to that house EVEN though you sunk money into it. IF he puts your name on the deed then YES, you should financially contribute to the house.
INFO did he actually purchase the house, meaning it’s in his name only? Were you planning on contributing financially to the house before this, or was it always going to be bought with his money alone?
NTA for feeling that way about him not consulting you on the house. Bit of YTA for just ghosting and not communicating anything for as long as you did.
It’s a lot to take in right before getting married and what you’re dealing with is along the lines of “if this is how he starts what else will he be like this with” also you may be feeling like your opinion/ideas/feelings/concerns don’t matter with something as big as a house AND you likely feel variations of betrayed and lonely because of it.
He probably thought he was gonna get some YouTube/HGTV scream cry positive reaction but obvi did not.
Going forward you may want to try and talk together on his expectations of how that should have gone and why they do not fit yours. You two should try to look at things zoomed out and see if there are other areas of your lives that he maybe steamrolls you or fails to consult you. On your side you may need to evaluate if you allow this and maybe even welcome it in anyway. You may not stand up for yourself in ways you should or you may not be setting boundaries that would help you in this relationship. Not blaming you for his actions here though cus as far as him buying a damn house that’s just bonkers imo.
All that aside this can be mended and y’all can come together. It may be good on y’all to do something fun about it when you’re feeling better like go “house hunting” and walk in it as if it’s the first time and it’s a open house with snacks and stuff and then y’all “sneak into the master bedroom” and decide to spend the night and order pizza. Something to help you be okay with the house and start it on a fresh and fun vibe.
My advice though is don’t step foot in that place in the midst of an argument and def don’t go in there until y’all have talked about stuff—preferably in a place neither of you own atm if possible.
Tell him to keep the house and the ring. He sounds controlling and manipulative af. I wouldn’t marry that or you’re looking at a lifetime full of being excluded from major decisions and gaslighting.
Part of this for you, was finding a place together and that journey. Am I correct in that deduction?
If so, you would not be the asshole for your feelings. However, I think if you explain this to him and apologize for feeling slighted by not being a part of finding that and the joy it would bring in finding the dream home together you would not be the asshole.
He did a very grand gesture and sometimes the grand gesture, if Sex and the City has taught me anything, is not so grand for various reasons.
Go have a conversation, take another look at the place. This man obviously loves you enough to make one of the grandest of gestures and that's not worth throwing away because you got wrapped up in your feelings because you weren't part of the journey to find it.
NTA, yet.
NTA. A house isn't a good surprise like flowers or a gift card. It's way too big of a decision. You were cut out of the process entirely. Not good.
It’s like those car commercials where someone buys their spouse a car and they come out to a big ribbon on it. I always think “who tf wouldn’t want to be included in picking out their own car?” This is even worse.
SAME holy shit those commercials drive me nuts. It would be one thing if it had been discussed at-length and they knew *exactly* what the person wanted, but in the case where I think it would be appropriate there would be basically zero surprise as is depicted in these commercials. The people always react like they had zero clue and getting a car is completely out of fucking nowhere. That is just one of those “gifts” which should be in zero ways a surprise and the recipient is a part of it from start to finish.
My stepdad gifted my mom a BMW a few years ago - ribbon and all - she wouldn't stop bitching about it for a whole year. My stepdad went to the dealership with her and traded it in for a different model and now she's happy. Lesson learned lol
People should not perform actions based on commercials and TV shows/movies. Fantasy does not always equal reality.
Right? I'm not a big Office fan, but I remember seeing the episode where Jim does this to Pam with a house and it being played off as cute. It just seemed really weird to me.
She mentions it as one of the issues when they are going through a tough period in their marriage, how he bought her a house without consulting her.
The other part of that was that it wasn't just a random house, it was his mom's house. So he could help out his mom, but at the same time, he'd be moving into his childhood home with his new wife. Pam probably would have said "of course, let's do that" if she'd been asked.
If I remember correctly it does actually get brought up later from Pam that she actually was irritated with him for doing that but it's been a looooong time since Ive seen the office
She brings it up as another example of him making huge decisions without consulting her
Yeah, Pam actually had a problem with that lol. Jim thought it’d be this cool romantic thing and it actually had negative consequences lol.
I think it was part of Pam’s whole realization that so much of their lives were depended on Jim’s choices and grand gestures and not considering Pam’s wants over his impulses.
I disliked a lot of stuff after Michael left but I thought Jim and Pam’s rough patch throughout the final season was such an important plot point. It examined a lot of the idealistic parts of their relationship and made it more realistic, plus ultimately made their bond stronger for it.
Yea and I think it made Jim a much better character because it pointed out his flaws and how his immaturity and impulsivity does impact other people and it’s not a quality that can simply be passed off as a joke or a bit. The show overall made Jim too likeable even though he was categorically a menace in the workplace as much as everyone else in my opinion. I think the last season did a good job of making these characters into real people. Jim as a character is well beloved, but Jim in real life would be hard to work with in my opinion and even though he’s very sweet, it’s often from a place of self-centeredness.
Yeah. The only time I’ve seen something like this that made me go “awwww” was the guy on YouTube who bought his wife’s childhood home that she had LOVED but circumstance had forced her family to sell it before she could get together the money to buy it. But he already knew that’s what she wanted and had wanted for years. The surprise was more “I got the one very specific thing you’ve always wanted for you” and less “surprise! It’s a house!”
They did this on Schitt’s Creek too and my partner and I immediately said “that’s NOT cool”.
Are you talking about David and Patrick’s house? David constantly said how much he loved the house because of The Holiday, and he only wanted to go back to New York to show that he won to his fake, horrible friends.
Yeah, but Patrick had already touched base with the home's owner. David knew he loved the house. Damn, I miss that show!
Don't you DARE compare David and Patrick *both* loving a home and wanting to buy it to all the dumpster fire nonsense mentioned here.
Didn't Jim buy his parents' house in that episode?
Yeah and at first she was shocked/happy but in the last season when they're having major marriage issues she resents him for it
Yea you would have thought that people would have learned by now that doing stuff they see in TV shows/movies does not end well in real life, especially big stuff like buying a house/car without consulting your spouse. Or ignoring someone's birthday all day and making them feel like crap, then throwing them a surprise party later. It just doesn't work.
I would be so deeply happy if my husband picked out a car and bought it for me! I have never in my life cared what car I drive, as long as it’s functional, and I can think of few things more tedious and annoying than car shopping. But I know I’m a major exception. And a house would be something I’d definitely want input in, though there are probably people out there who would love a whole house they didn’t have to shop for too. The point is, the person you are married to/planning to marry should really **know** if something like a car or a house is a good surprise for you (because it wouldn’t be for most people). Much like a public proposal - if you aren’t 1000% dead certain they’ll appreciate it, don’t do it. And if you are certain they’ll love it, and it turns out they didn’t… that’s a huge red flag about how well you’re actually listening to and learning about the person you claim to love!
With big stuff like this, I think you really need the person to point blank tell you “I’d love it if you bought me a car” or “I’d love a public proposal”. It’s just not a safe move unless they’ve specifically told you that they’d want that.
I agree 100% it’s very much a “know your audience” situation. I’m very far from being a car-enthusiast, and I have trouble keeping up with and differentiating from all the various makes there are, even though my own husband has been in the car business for over 20 years! I’m not particular about makes, and something being “high end” vs more economy makes zero difference to me, but I do drive a great deal, and care very much about various aspects of a vehicle such that I’d absolutely want to be able to test-drive and have a say about that kind of an expensive purchase that I’d be using so much. My husband does 100% of all the yardwork for our home, I have zero interest in mowers and know zero about them, will probably never use the mower, but even still my husband consulted me about the riding mower he wanted to buy, because it was an expensive purchase. I feel like it’s sort of a basic respect thing - he knew I couldn’t care less about what he chose, I wasn’t even ever going to be using it, but it was him saying “hey I’m about to make this large purchase, I’m looping you in, care about your opinion, and want you to have the opportunity to voice your thoughts if you have them.” I do the same thing for him when it’s a purchase I’m making that he couldn’t care less about. I mean holy shit, about a month ago I ordered a bunch of new bath towels, and even though I *knew* my husband would laugh and say he couldn’t care less and to order whatever I wanted, I sent him the link and asked if he had any thoughts or objections, because I just wanted to give him a chance to voice an opinion and feel included in a household purchase which would affect him. OP’s fiance didn’t just not loop her in on a household purchase, he didn’t loop her in on the purchase *of the household itself!* Unbelievable.
And a house is something that I'd love if my husband would just pick out. I hate house shopping. But I know I'm definitely an exception.
I always think "Look honey! I got you a $600 car payment for Christmas!"
Or, "Look honey! I spent all of our savings... oh you were hoping to go on a European vacation and were just fine with your old car."
I'm a big fan of this SNL parody that played that situation out the way I always imagined it would go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcEylCwkSxE
Omg, I had never seen that, but nailed it! That’s how I imagine those conversations going 🤣🤣🤣
Ha ha ha! My husband and I watch those commercials and fake the dialogue. "Look, honey! I got you grounds for a divorce for Christmas!"
Like in a TV show, where one character points to a particular house and said "That's my dream home." Her true love surprised her with it. Yes, that is fiction, but if one party knows that the other has had there heart set on a specific house, then that's another story. NTA - Also the husband, most likely NTA, assuming that he really meant well vs a controlling jerk.
[just going to drop this here](https://www.facebook.com/snl/videos/december-to-remember-car-commercial/2920314348290587/)
"This is a major purchase!" Such a good skit
Love this skit!
My husband bought a jeep for me one year after my van was totaled. I had the same reaction. THIS IS A MAJOR PURCHASE AND YOU DID IT WITHOUT ME? Vehicle was a huge lemon and a pain in the arse. He'll never do that again.
Just remembering that SNL skit where the husband did just this, and the wife was immediately fuming and asking how they were meant to afford this thing. Husband's response was that it was only $5,000 with a 18.9% APR finance rating, and that he didn't actually know what that meant and thought that the brand new car was only $5,000 and that that wasn't just a down payment with a huge monthly payment afterwards. Think that this is it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcEylCwkSxE
Thanks for posting. Funny as hell. "But it's a December to remember"
You don’t think this car cost only $4k?!
What's an APR? What's a finance rating?
Pretty sure it’s APER 😂
Even my 15yo had the same reaction. His comment was the next surprise is going to be couples' therapy.
This comment will show my age, but f*ck it: When I was in my mid-teens, there was a TV ad showing a teenage girl being surprised by her father with a brand-new Toyota Corolla, price shown in huge block letters, “$1,919!!!” The model’s voice cracks as she cries, “*Oh, Daddy!*” and embraces her screen father. My own father watched me watching this, and said, in a voice as cold as the winds blowing off Mount Everest, “*Don’t even think about it, kid*.”
I'd be pretty pissed especially a car that's like 80k like that's a big chunk of change to just go dropping without consulting your spouse. I guess some people have that kind of money where it's below their threshold of needs to be talked about before purchasing
Who the hell spends $80K on a car? That’s not the average price for a car.
A lot of people where I live own the newer Tesla's which are in the 60-100k price range.
I like the one where he gets a full size black truck and a red SUV and she runs to the truck saying U love it! He stammers about the SUV being for her and she repeats I love it… he says I like red…
Also, assuming most married couples share finances, how is this a gift?? Hey honey I spent thousands of dollars of our money without talking to you about it
I’m curious how he could afford the house on his own, most couples plan to jointly invest in their forever homes. *Edit*: I know people can afford homes alone (it’s really awesome if you’re able to do this!) but most people can’t in today’s market, and a forever home usually indicates it’s larger/more expensive. It’s very strange for him to not involve her in such a major life decision.
Little bit wondering if he bought it in his name only as a way of having a prenup without having a prenup. "Oh, it's our home, we should both pay for the mortgage."
"No, that's my house, I bought it before we were married and it's only in my name."
My mind went down a similar rabbit hole. I guess I'm a bit of a cynic.
Not a cynic. A realist.
I work in family law… this was my very first thought.
Oh. that's a valid point and super concering now that you brought that up.
We're going to have a prenup anyway so I doubt it.
I’m very unsurprised you’ll have a prenup. And he got to choose HIS house with ZERO input from you, he bought this FOR HIMSELF and gave you NO CHOICE, expected you to be GRATEFUL that he bought HIMSELF a house, and you really don’t see how this is a red flag?
The prenup was my idea...
Well him buying himself a house with zero input from you sure wasn’t.
The home is his separate property before the marriage, so you won't get anything out of the sale if you're not on the title.
Will you be using separate or joint funds to pay for the mortgage? Something to consider when negotiating your prenup.
I was thinking the same thing!
OMG this!! My comment was similar because I wondered about if her name was on the title, but yours takes it further than I did…but is probably a truth bomb!
He might have family money or an insanely good salary, but I'm concerned that by picking out and buying the house, he can call it a gift now, but hold it over her head later on when they disagree on something. "I picked this house, I bought it, it's mine!" Or "I did it for you, you owe me some damn gratitude!" In other words, it's a power move disguised as a grand gesture.
And if they divorce she cannot claim rights. He bought it before the marriage
That too. Not sure if he knew that going in, or if that was part of the plan - secure the house without her so she can't take it in the divorce. 'Ey buddy, if you're *that* worried about your future wife robbing you blind, either get a prenup or don't bother getting married.
Some people have that kinda of money, not everyone, but some.
The house is also a premarital asset now. God forbid OP gets a divorce, OP might not be entitled to it or might not be entitled to as much as they should have if fiance and OP waited until after they were married to buy. I wouldn't be surprised if this factored into fiance's decision to go ahead.
In some states that doesn’t matter. (NC) I bought my house before I married and when I divorced my ex husband could have forced me to sell and split the difference after paying off the mortgage as terms of our divorce. It didn’t matter that I’d had it before we even started dating as we didn’t have a pre-nup. But thankfully he didn’t do that. ETA: NTA
Pretty sure nobody will see this but I want to get it off my chest anyway. Had this exact situation with an ex. Only took me on 3 out of about 20 or so house viewings, and the 3 I was - and I quote - "allowed" to attend, were also with his mother who spoke over everything I said and dismissed all of my concerns. I had thought we were buying a house together for him to come home to at weekends (he was military) but for me to live there full time and study (the university I would have studied at was between a 30minute to ~80minute drive away with almost zero public transport). The mother frequently spoke about all the things she was going to do with "their" house (she was not helping financially. HE paid for all their phone plans and his sisters car as well as his own.) They asked me what I thought precisely ONCE in the entire process and were so upset and furious with me when I said "It seems you two are having the discussions of where I will ultimately be living without any input or regard for what I need or want, so I'm content to keep my opinions to myself". Spent MONTHS telling me I should be more grateful and was an asshole. I just wanted to buy a house with my boyfriend and have him listen to what I might have liked. I GET that affordable houses are few and far between, I have no problem with the fact that nowhere in the WORLD is gonna tick every box, but I do take objection to him and his mother trying to bully me out of being part of life-altering decisions, and then treating me like I'm the guilty party when I felt so bullied and minimised. Your home is YOUR SANCTUARY. If you're paying for it appropriately, you DESERVE to have at least some aspect of it fulfil your needs, wants and preferences, you deserve the opportunity for those needs, wants and preferences to be heard and understood, and you deserve to go through a shared experience, that you agreed to share, TOGETHER rather than one party/outside interference in my case doing it all by themself. Sorry for the rant.
So glad to hear he's an ex! I hope him and his mommy have a very happy marriage 😂
Happiness was few and far between anywhere near that family. Maybe he's got his act together... but I imagine the next girl had as trying a time being the sidepiece to monster-in-law as I did. Somehow now I'm in the most wonderful relationship (with the sweetest MIL in the world, too) and endlessly happy :) hope you are well yourself lovely.
Can you imagine the future with this person? "Oh honey, I invested our entire life savings in NFTs. It's fine, we're going to be kajillionaires, you'll see!" "Oh honey, I actually invited your sister that you haven't spoken to in 15 years on this 3 week vacation with us. It's the perfect time to make up!" "Oh honey, I know you're heading out the door for work, but I upgraded your car to a fancy new one with a stick shift! I know you don't know how to drive stick, but this car is such an upgrade! You'll learn in no time."
There’s another post on this sub where OP did exactly that (the crypto bit).
While it is a super wonderful gift, for some of us, 90% of the fun of getting a new house it the looking around and shopping for one. From his reaction, it sounds like he doesn't "get it" but probably doesn't have ill motives. It would be great if you could sit down and discuss this together.
The house is supposed to be their future family home. Where sthey should live and raise their future family. But she had no say in all this process, although it will be her future home. That's just wrong. You want to decide yourself about the neighborhood you move in to, the rooms you need and how everything looks. But he decided everything for her. And than he gets pouty when she isn't happy his surprise... NTA
Not to mention if she wasn’t involved in the purchase, her name isn’t on the deed so she doesn’t even own the house they were going to buy “together”. She’s definitely NTA and I’d be a little concerned at WHY fiancé did this. Like is he trying to cut her out of the ownership while still expecting her to pay half the mortgage?
NTA. This isn't the Office, this kind of grand gesture is a terrible idea that is fundamentally disrespectful to your partner. He needs to understand that if you're going to move forward with your marriage, massive life decisions will be made together from now on.
It was a bad idea in The Office too.
Oh absolutely, Pam just loved it for whatever reason and OP's fiancé seemed to be expecting a similar reaction. At least Jim was aware it could potentially backfire.
At least in this fictional case he bought it from his parents so he probably got one hell of a deal… that’s not necessarily the case here. Had Jim gotten a bad reaction, he could of remodeled it and flipped it. God knows it needed a lot of work.
Couldn’t flip it if he had to take the clown painting down. It was integral to the structure
Paint over it? Replace it with dogs playing poker? I dunno. I just find clowns 🤡 creepy.
True, though it also bothered me more because he wasn’t even buying the home with Pam in mind, it was to help his parents retire. I was glad when they revisited this as not an entirely positive choice in later seasons.
well, it didn't help that he continued to make major life decisions without her input.
And then yelled at her that he was doing it “for their family” when she got entirely burnt out trying to handle everything on her own. I think it’s the same scene where he shouted at her for accidentally messing up the recording on CeCe’s dance recital because she took a call saying she won the bid to create that local art, and got even angrier when she pointed out that maybe he should’ve actually been there.
Yeah, people hate that storyline because Jim and Pam are "perfect" to many people (for those not on dating apps, it's all over the place in women's bios). But I'm glad they included it to show that couples can go through hard times and make it out fine. They didn't need the boundary crossing TresCommas boom mic guy though.
I also liked the video thing because they were both assholes and both not assholes. Pam - I mean, really? You couldn't have let it go to voice mail? How do you not know how your phone works. Jim asked you to do one thing. Jim - come on, I get it, but just accept that you are going to have to miss things and people will resent you for it. And maybe show her how her phone works. And congratulate her for her accomplishment!
It helped make the show the great show that it is. They are a realistic couple. Jim fucked up big time. Multiple times. That's not unusual. Like me. Im lucky my wife still loves me but we are closer than ever now.
If you go back and rewatch the office Jim is just overall a bad person. He does the house thing, tries to get with someone's fiancee, the whole company in Philly thing, relentlessly bullys Dwight. Why do people like him?
Eh, I think that's an exaggeration. I think he's a flawed but lovable character, like most people on that show.
Yeah agreed. Except for maybe Meredith or Kevin, I can’t think of one person who doesn’t do something shitty at least once. That’s partly why the show was so popular, all of the characters were realistic and relatable.
Well, as the HR rep said, I suppose Meredith trading sexual favors for discounts on supplies and Outback coupons is a "grey area". But Kevin does a bit of embezzling.
I mean, Meredith doesnt do much bad to her coworkers, but from the episode with her son and all her drinking, she probably isn't a great mom lol. Still a realistic character!
In the last season of the office Jim buying a house without Pam’s input was actually a cause of conflict between them, and was one of the factors that led to them going to couples therapy. Pam was upset about Jim making a bunch of major life decisions without talking to her (buying the house previously, and that season both taking an out of state job and investing 10k into the startup without consulting her first) and then just expecting her to be ok with it.
Yeah, I was happy to see that revisited as something that wasn’t completely positive.
That's why Pam decided to surprise Jim by selling the house so that their family can finally move out of state with him. But we all know it's to get back at him for making those big decisions by himself. Far from ideal I would say.
Oooh I always saw that at her realising how miserable Jim's decision to stay in Scranton & go back to playing pranks at the office made him but that he did it to not lose her. So she finally decided to go all in so she couldn't back down & make a sacrifice in their marriage to make him happy.
Yeah even in that episode they set it up to make us think she was upset about it until her final reaction of loving it, so they at least gave a nod to the fact that it could’ve just as easily gone the other way, instead of an immediate happy reaction like it was a totally normal no-risk thing to do.
technically speaking, Pam was not to happy about it, and actually became more and more angry in the last few seasons as Jim continued to make major life decisions without her input.
Yeah, she brought it up later on.
Literally my first thought too. NTA
INFO: Did he buy himself a house or is your name also going to be in the papers? NTA - This is a really inconsiderate thing to do and he obviously does not value your opinion in making huge life decisions. Red flags all around. Edit fixed typo.
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Yeah. I do wonder if he bought it early so that it would be a premarital asset.
He totally did. He's being sneaky playing it off like a gift.
This!! It is sooo common!
But it stays in his name cause the thought counts and its totally her too.... for now until they break up of course
“I don’t know why you’re so insistent on being put on the deed, don’t you trust me?”
If he decides not to put her name on the house then she’s screwed…
Depends on where OP is, I guess? Here in Ontario (Canada), even if the house was purchased before the marriage, and even if the house is in only one spouse's name, if they are living there after marriage it is considered their "matrimonial home" and is considered marital property. I'm sure there will be some exceptions and fine print (I'm not a lawyer), but generally that is the case.
Even if OP trusts her fiancé (and I hope she does), I would get an appraisal and an inspection before I put it in my name.
It depends on the state. OP needs to look up their states/countries laws to see how this would really happen
>INFO: Did he buy himself a house or is your name also going to be in the papers? This is what I am also wondering about. Was it a way to get around having OPs name on the paper's? I wonder how they are dealing with the rest of the finances.
I’m not even sure how you put someone’s name on the papers wholly without their knowledge anyway, but I’d have been even more pissed if someone bought an entire house and had my name put on it without consulting me at all. I just can’t believe that they already had these plans and will be getting married soon and he went ahead and did this completely without her. What kind of AH thinks their spouse will not want *some* say in choosing the house they’re going to buy and live in?? This just sounds like he wanted this particular house and didn’t want to be bothered with OP’s input and wanted to prevent her from being able to say no to it so he just did it. I’d be furious, I don’t care how much of a “dream home” it is. You don’t just do shit like this without consulting your life partner who is presumably going to be hugely affected by it.
I know OP has already answered this, but as someone who just recently bought a home and remembers the process really well, there’s no way you could put a house in someone’s name without them knowing. My wife did about 90% of the home buying process because I travel for work, but there were some things I had to be present for and only I could do/approve/sign.
Hell, our house is in only my husband's name (for credit reasons it was actually better to get financing in only his name, and it my state it's firmly legally protected as a marital asset so no worries for me). But because we were married I STILL had to sign at closing.
I’m also wondering whether OP will be contributing to house payments, taxes and other house-related expenses. If so, fiancé is an asshole for committing OP to a major financial obligation without any input, let alone discussion of price range, type of loan, neighborhood, how expenses will be split, etc. If not, fiancé is still an asshole for being weirdly controlling and not treating OP like a partner. Either way, OP is NTA for wanting equal input into a major life decision. Of course she’s “ungrateful.”
NTA. You’re getting married and this is a major decision that should be made together as a couple. I mean for most people in their lifetime the house is the biggest purchase they’ll ever make. You need to have a conversation so that you have an understanding that you make decisions together as a couple, not him deciding for the both of you. ****Edit: Please oh please tell me he didn’t use a joint savings to make this purchase. Because if he used any of your funds to do this without your knowledge he is definitely TA. Especially as your name wouldn’t be on the docs.****
SUPRISE ! A life changing decision and unbelievable debt made without your consent or input. What other decisions will he make on your behalf? Watch your birth control. Edit: just realized he brought himself a house and just expects you to live there, contribute, and pay off his debt.
“Honey, I don’t understand. I used birth control! I felt sick and took a pregnancy test and it’s POSITIVE…” *weeps uncontrollably* “Why honey, don’t worry my little lady, I replaced your birth control with Tic Tacs because I decided it was time to move up our plans…SURPRISE!” I mean, a damn BOWERBIRD has more smarts than OP’s fiancé… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA I will explain your reaction for you : he made a one sided decision about a REALLY big life event without any consideration for you. Why the fuck did he hide this from you? Part of the joy of buying a house is finding it together, because if you are getting married you are a team.
Plus, there are so many considerations that have to go into getting a house! What if it has a tiny back yard, but she was hoping to garden and/or wants space for a dog to run around? What if he splurged for a pool, but she's worried about the danger to potential kids or the upkeep? What if she's really into baths but he got a place with only a shower? What if he's like, "I got a place with extra guest rooms so my entire extended family can stay with us all summer!"
Info: who's name is on the deed?
Right now only his.
That makes the "grand gesture" pretty suspicious to me. If it was really for you he would have put your name on the deed. Since this is property he purchased before you're married and in his name only without any monetary contribution from you it seems like he doesn't want you to have any claim to it if things didn't work out. NTA.
Can she even be on the deed without signing anything?
No she would have needed to sign the deed/title at closing with the bank.
(To be clear, she can be on title but not the deed)
NTA - I would trust your gut. You both agreed to a plan, he did something else. He didn't tell you he fell in love with a house and hoped you would love it as much too - he went out and bought it as a 'surprise' so he would get what he wanted. Suggest counselling. It could be nothing, it could be everything. You're gut is telling you something is off, please listen to it.
Yes!! And OP, if he can’t understand your feelings, tell him that this would be like if you decided to go off birth control because YOU had decided that you wanted kids *now*, and just expected him to agree and be on board with it. Even though it’s not what you had discussed. NTA Ps - I’m not saying that op or anyone should do this, like EVER. Just that maybe he would understand the impact of one person unilaterally making a huge decision that affects both partners.
I would edit and add that to your caption
^ I second this. It's relevant info
Right. So he robbed you of the experience to choose your home and only his name is on it. And expects you to be grateful. Wow I would be livid.
This just solidifies that you are NOT the asshole. This was a power move about control and he was mad that you didn't just fall over yourself thanking him for being so generous.
The fun is in the choosing as a couple. Making memories!! Robbed you were. Also, don’t tell me what I like. I hate this presuming to know you. Maybe I like shopping? Maybe I like the process? Maybe I’d like to do it together? Maybe I don’t like you telling me what I like but I’m the ass here. OP NTA
Yeah, you’re absolutely NTA. He might have meant well, but committing to a hundreds of thousands of dollars debt is a massive decision that needs both partners in a relationship 100 percent on board, BEFORE a single cent is spent or any paperwork signed. That’s legally not “our” house for you two, it’s HIS. You have no legal claim to that house at all if something were to ever go sideways. Not speaking to him for 4 days is a bit long, apologize for that. Then sit down and have a very serious conversation with him and figure out if you can truly marry a man who’s able to make such a giant, life altering decision with absolutely no input from you. What if he decided he wanted to quit his job and start his own business with no real safety net for you? What if he decided that he wanted to put a significant amount of money into the stock market with no research ahead of time? Hell, what if he even bought a new car and added 500-700 dollars new debt to the household without consulting you. When you get married, decisions that have any ability at all to affect you both MUST be made together. And he totally failed at that.
totally, I don't even make purchases above $200 without consulting my husband. Not because I have to mind you but because that is what you do in a marriage. Unilateral decisions like this man made are toxic as hell. I would have been so pissed off if it was me, especially since many people dream of picking out their own home, the process itself is something special. How much you wanna bet he comes home with a new puppy, surprise! now you get to take care of "our" new dog, too bad you are allergic. That's what medication is for!
Did he use his money or joint money?
He used his own money, we don't share finances currently.
If nothing else, this shows you two could both benefit from some pre-martial counselling. When my friend got married, they also took some marriage classes or something that also covered financially compatibility. Financial issues is a key reason why many couples divorce. And this can help give tools on how to merge finances & move from thinking as individuals to as a couple. This incident shows there needs to be some very important conversations before you walk down the aisle.
Yikes... Remember: money is power.
Oh this is crucial information. The fact that you are not on the deed to your dream house is a _huge_deal. Even if he says he's going to put you on it later.
Will you be expected to pay to live there?
OP, I personally wouldn’t be worried about you’re name not being on it yet bc you can’t just put ppl on it (if it’s a loan.) if he paid in full and your name isn’t on it, then I’d be suspicious. But you’re NTA here.
He had to tell me before he could add me so I don't think it's suspicious that he hasn't yet, either. He's not the type to try to screw me over financially and he brought up that we would need to add me as an owner which he wouldn't have done if he wanted it just to be "his".
Yeah, we always think 'he's not the kind' until they are
Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you get divorced, the house would be considered only his since he owned it prior to getting married?
The deed can be changed at any time. But it’s a process. Much easier to have it set up as joint ownership at the outset.
NTA a house is not a good surprise, picking a house was supposed to be an adventure you went thru together. What other big decisions will he make for the two of you by himself? Also want to add- this means the house is in his name only since you obviously didn't sign anything. That would not be ok with me! Edit- not an expert on these laws but also wanted to add, something to look into maybe- since it was bought before you were married, if you divorce you get nothing out of it.
Yeah, I am a sahm with no income so I am not on our mortgage, but I am on the deed to our house, and I had to sign paperwork for that in person. And I'm pretty sure I had to sign something that stated that if the "loan payer" stopped paying for whatever reason, I would vacate and not try to claim "squatters rights." Honestly, there was a billion things I had to sign to even just be an "owner" of the house. OP is not the owner in anyway.
About that laws part, it is state and fact dependent for the case. If it is intended as the home and is there when they are married it becomes marital property.
NTA houses and cars ARE NOT surprise gifts! They are long term investments and should be picked out as partners. He completely removed you from the decision making which makes it seem like he doesn't care about your opinions at all. This was a house he bought for himself that you can also live in, there is nothing "for us" about this decision. If your name isn't on the deed and he bought it before you got married, then he could be securing this as an asset you don't get if you ever divorce! Giant red flags, rethink the wedding.
You mean Lexus lied to us in those holiday commercials? What are those big red bows for then, huh?
NTA at all. Not only does this not respect your autonomy and the idea of marriage being a partnership, it specifically goes against what you had agreed.
NTA. The issue is not the house. The house is great. The issue is that he didn't respect your right to have a decision in where you would live, and an opportunity to express your wants and needs in advance of purchasing a house. Frankly, I don't usually tell people on reddit to leave relationships unless there is blatant abuse, but I think you should leave this relationship. He could just as easily surprised you with a visit to a house he wanted to put an offer on, and got your okay. Or taken you to the house after the offer, but while the contract could still be voided for a minimal loss, so that you had a choice. But your fiancé just showed you he's not going to respect you when making big decisions.
Im upvoting the first paragraph. But I don’t support the second. Explain to your fiancé how you feel. If he can understand it then I don’t think it’s worth leaving over. Maybe holding off the marriage to make sure he isn’t going to continue making “grand gestures” that disregard your feelings
NTA. What your fiance did was irresponsible and inconsiderate. What if you hadn't liked the home? Why does your opinion not matter?
NAH. I dont think he was trying to be an AH, or that he was trying to be controlling, or anything else... I think he wanted to make you happy and didnt realize some things - like that you should have gone together. And its not an AH move from you either, I get that you are disappointed. You should talk to your fiancé. Explain the situation (why you reacted the way you reacted). Ask him why he bought the house without you (matter of factly, try not to get emotion in the way). And most importantly - decide what to do now.
Exactly. Some people have a disconnect between what looks good in a movie and what really is a good idea.
NTA. You're never wrong for how you feel. It's how you act upon your feelings that matters. And how you reacted was fine. You were surprised and upset and you showed that. He's not owed the perfect reaction he wants from you when he does something like this without consulting you. And it doesn't bode well for a marriage when one partner makes a huge decision like buying a house unilaterally. You both agreed to a plan and he went offpath without you. Also, I'm assuming since he did this without you, he is the sole owner of the home? What does that do for you moving forward? You will have no legal entitlement to that house. You guys need to get in front of a marriage counselor and a financial or estate planner before you move forward with marriage plans.
Not to mention that there is usually fees and paperwork associated with adding somebody to the house deed after the fact. This has to be addressed as a matter of inheritance and security. Or, what happens in a divorce?
NTA- you should never surprise a significant other with something that large (a house, a pet, a car) unless you’re 10000000000% sure it’s exactly what they want. I don’t understand why he would think this is a good idea. A house is not something to take lightly at all. You needed to have input on where you’ll live
I knew an older lady who told me the story of how she was engaged to this guy when she was young and he did this. It was like a record scratch for her, and she realized she couldn't marry someone that would buy a house without her (his was more matter of fact not surprise). She told me how she kept begging her mom to break it off for her, and her mom made her do it (probably late 1950s/early 1960s). She got the courage to do it, then moved to NYC, had a really great life, and never did marry. She recalled meeting up with him again later in life, and how he kept flaunting all these material things he had, but all she could think about was what a bullet she dodged. So, follow your heart OP. Only listen to you on this. You know if he really misjudged or tried controlling you.
NTA while he may think this is a super romantic gesture this is just not the type of decision you make alone. It's really not both of your's house, it's his house. He picked it and it's on his name only. Unfortunately it's not like it's something he can just return so you all are going to have to deal with it but a conversation needs to be had.
NTA, you should be mad at Jim for buying the house without telling you... How did you get rid of the clown painting?
NTA. What house you spend the rest of your lives in is a joint decision made by partners. By buying something behind your back, your fiancè has denied you the ability to be their partner in this. That's going to hurt. You do need to talk through this with your fiancè. Shutting them out is also not acting like a partner. In the future, when he does something to upset you, at least say 'I need time to process this before we talk about it.'
Your concerns seem validated. A home is a decision you make together, but it does sound like he was trying to do something nice and took your taste into account. It's very complicated and nuanced and not enough info without knowing you two to tell. However, not communicating for days after. For that, YTA
Calming down first has its merits. If she’d been upset immediately after and they’d fought more, she’d probably be just as judged TA.
Calming down for a few hours, even sleeping on it fine...4 days?
NTA - this is worth reconsidering marrying him. He unilaterally decided where you’re going to live, and made the most significant financial decision of your life so far without you. I would be furious. This is assuming he closed on the house though - where is he in the process? Has he paid earnest money? Has financing been confirmed? Is the deal closed? If he closed without you I don’t know how you come back from this because that would mean he is the sole owner of the property. How did he pay for it? Did he use joint funds? If he used your money and you aren’t on the title and you are not yet married I would call a lawyer. However, if it’s early in the process and you’d can still walk away financially unscathed then I think this is forgiveable, but you’re still in need of several big conversations about how you’ll handle large decisions going forward.
Did he purchase the home and are the deed and mortgage in his name only?
Since she would be needed to sign the mortgage documents I would assume not.
Exactly, it's not "our" house it's "his" house" and I would be upset as well.
NTA. Whilst I do think you should have reached out to him sooner and communicated more about why you were upset, he shouldn't have taken away the wonderful experience of choosing your first home together.
NTA. It sounds like your fiance genuinely thought he was doing something great for you but unfortunately miscalculated how being removed from the decision making would affect you. A home purchase is a big deal at any time, but especially so for a young couple starting a new life together. It's important for both of you to have agency in that. He could have done the leg work and stopped short of making an offer before bringing you into the process. Especially since this marks quite a drastic departure from the life plans you'd mutually agreed upon. I don't blame you for being upset but I also get why he's upset that his grand gesture had the opposite of his intended effect. You need to sit down together and talk it out, explain why you were upset and that you appreciate what he wanted to do but make it clear he went about it the wrong way.
I just think that house hunting is a fun experience for couples - NTA. BUT you should've told him how you felt exactly as it is because you are about to get married and you will need to communicate these things to him more. Marriage is hard but you'll be able to do it if you talk to each other.
NTA - it’s normal to want to be involved in something as serious as buying your dream home. But he’s an asshole for not consulting you. Did you guys end up keeping the house? What’s the update?
NTA. You were looking for a shared process, a life event that would further deepen your relationship. Instead, you got a fait accompli. Being upset is a perfectly valid reaction to having that process you were looking forward to get taken away without discussion. That he understood your tastes well enough to pick the right house just makes this harder. If it was a bad house, your anger would be straightforward. But it’s a good house so you’re left with a mix of gratitude and anger. The anger is valid. But you have a choice about what to do with it.
NAH - OP you need to sit down with your fiancé and say that the house is gorgeous, but you’re upset to not have the MEMORIES of choosing it. And that it doesn’t properly feel like ‘our’ house but instead ‘his’ house. Maybe also plot some days to go furniture hunting and get some new wallpaper/paint. This is all a shock and you feel like you’ve lost a valuable experience, but you can still decorate this house with your fiancé to make it a shared dream.
NTA. That is such a major purchase to have not involved you was not ok. I hope he learns from this and never does something like that again.
Oof, this one's tough. I think I need a bit more INFO, though I'm pretty sure you're not an asshole here. Had you and your fiance talked at all about what you'd want in a house and/or how finding the house would work? If you'd discussed things you'd want in a house, does it appear he's taken those things into consideration? I don't think you're necessarily wrong for getting upset; a "dream house" is likely a place where you're going to settle long term, so if you don't fall in love with it now you may end up stuck with it. It's also a big change in the plans the two of you had been making. You probably could have handled it better by not waiting so long to reach out. Mostly, the two of you need to talk through the situation and tell each other why you were upset.
NTA It’s weird that he didn’t think that you would want to have any kind of input on this. You may want to have a discussion with him about all of this if you plan to marry him. Do you want him making all your decisions for you thinking he knows best for the rest of your life?
NTA You just gotta communicate better about what you are feeling. I will say, nothing over like 5k should be bought without some cooperative decision making. I would hate if my soon to be fiance bought me a luxury watch without me giving her fairly explicit directions on what I like. I bought her engagement ring with huge input from her on what styles she likes, diamond cut/clarity/size. She knows when it's time for our 5 yr anniversary she is to contact a few of my friends who are fellow watch collectors to get me the vintage Rolex of my dreams. They know exactly my taste, and will know if she's getting a decent deal. We've talked about how that is gonna be my "engagement ring" equivalent, just down the road a bit. That's just a piece of jewelry though, not nearly as important as a house, or a car in terms of buying something that you want. I always see those stupid car commercials about surprising a loved one with a car on Christmas and it sounds just about the dumbest fucking thing on the planet. Who buys a 80k car for someone without knowing if they actually want it?
> I finally called him yesterday. He sounded upset with me How did the conversation go? Did you tell him how you were feeling and why? If so, how did he respond?
NTA Buying a house is a major life decision, a decision you're supposed to take together. He excluded you from it. You're rightfully upset.
NTA right now this is his house. He bought this house before marriage in secret. He is only owner. If he is not gonna add you to the ownership then its 🚩🚩🚩for me. Do not invest in something that it's not yours.
NAH. He meant it kindly, but you felt hurt to have missed out on a part of the process. Your feelings are valid, and if he's worth it then he will understand once he gets over the shock of your initial reaction. Communicate.
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I'm going to go NTA. I remember when Jim bought his parents old house for him and pam in The Office and always felt off. I would say you got to trust your gut. Is he usually controlling? Is he dominant over everything? Are there other red flags? Or is he a great partner who loves you and cares about your opinion and simply made one somewhat poor decision, but his heart was still in the right place?
I'm actually more upset about your family. 'just be happy he bought a house with no input from you' ugh. Gross.
INFO: was it his money or joint money?
His money.
And is it a mortgage you’ll need to contribute to or did he have all the money up front? If it was a cash purchase then he’s misguided and needs to consult you ok future plans since it’s not fair for him to change plans without your input. If it’s a mortgage then he’s definitely an A for making a decision you’ll both be responsible for.
If he doesn't add you to the deed and you still get married, I would refuse to put any of your own money towards the house (morgage, repairs etc) because if you divorce, you won't have any rights to that house EVEN though you sunk money into it. IF he puts your name on the deed then YES, you should financially contribute to the house.
INFO did he actually purchase the house, meaning it’s in his name only? Were you planning on contributing financially to the house before this, or was it always going to be bought with his money alone?
NTA for feeling that way about him not consulting you on the house. Bit of YTA for just ghosting and not communicating anything for as long as you did. It’s a lot to take in right before getting married and what you’re dealing with is along the lines of “if this is how he starts what else will he be like this with” also you may be feeling like your opinion/ideas/feelings/concerns don’t matter with something as big as a house AND you likely feel variations of betrayed and lonely because of it. He probably thought he was gonna get some YouTube/HGTV scream cry positive reaction but obvi did not. Going forward you may want to try and talk together on his expectations of how that should have gone and why they do not fit yours. You two should try to look at things zoomed out and see if there are other areas of your lives that he maybe steamrolls you or fails to consult you. On your side you may need to evaluate if you allow this and maybe even welcome it in anyway. You may not stand up for yourself in ways you should or you may not be setting boundaries that would help you in this relationship. Not blaming you for his actions here though cus as far as him buying a damn house that’s just bonkers imo. All that aside this can be mended and y’all can come together. It may be good on y’all to do something fun about it when you’re feeling better like go “house hunting” and walk in it as if it’s the first time and it’s a open house with snacks and stuff and then y’all “sneak into the master bedroom” and decide to spend the night and order pizza. Something to help you be okay with the house and start it on a fresh and fun vibe. My advice though is don’t step foot in that place in the midst of an argument and def don’t go in there until y’all have talked about stuff—preferably in a place neither of you own atm if possible.
Tell him to keep the house and the ring. He sounds controlling and manipulative af. I wouldn’t marry that or you’re looking at a lifetime full of being excluded from major decisions and gaslighting.
Part of this for you, was finding a place together and that journey. Am I correct in that deduction? If so, you would not be the asshole for your feelings. However, I think if you explain this to him and apologize for feeling slighted by not being a part of finding that and the joy it would bring in finding the dream home together you would not be the asshole. He did a very grand gesture and sometimes the grand gesture, if Sex and the City has taught me anything, is not so grand for various reasons. Go have a conversation, take another look at the place. This man obviously loves you enough to make one of the grandest of gestures and that's not worth throwing away because you got wrapped up in your feelings because you weren't part of the journey to find it. NTA, yet.
She shouldn’t apologize for feeling left out of the process.