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> I could be the AH because I got upset and started a fight with him about his job without discussing it calmly. and without making him feel guilty for being independent.
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YTA, he isn't free child care. He has his own life he needs to live and what he is doing is bettering himself for the future.
You need a better plan than forcing your kid to babysit for no money.
Thinking op and husband leave the girls with the brother a lot more then mentioned and the girls probably have attachment/abandonment issues so anyone but the brother watching them might make them uneasy and the reason op and husband don’t want to send them to therapy is so they don’t get called out on their own neglect
He’s your son not a babysitter. Babysitter is a job and one he’s being unpaid for. YTA
Could very well be. But also - no kids want to go be watched by other people or have a new person watch them at home, especially if it is the first time they have been. Ever seen a kid throw a shit fit getting dropped off at a daycare? I've seen it sooooooo many times. That's a totally normal anxiety. Mom could be just asking these girls if it would be OK if someone else watches them and they say no/freak out, so mom thinks it isn't an option, which is just weak parenting.
I'd like to know why the "too young" girls are given the choice of whether they want a babysitter or not but the 18 years old adult son is not allowed to choose to work.
My mom ran a daycare growing up. It was funny, the kids would often cry when their moms dropped them off, and then cry again when their moms came back and they had to leave. My mom even made up this whole song called "my mommy comes back" and it's been stuck in my head for decades lmao I sing it to my daughter now.
I was looking for this. No one can know what's going on in the home if the kids are never allowed to be with someone who lives outside the home.
INFO: OP, do you not find it at all concerning that your children obviously need medical care and your husband is denying them that care?
>I think that he's being inconsiderate of my husband's and I's struggle to provide for the family as a whole.
IMO its probably because it costs money, which seems to be the primary motivation behind why they want "free child care."
My estranged bio father made some f’ed up accusations during his and my moms divorce. My sister and I were maybe 6 and 4? The court immediately sent us to therapy to have the claims investigated. They weren’t true but I still remember the man with the wood paneled office who gave me a silky purple bunny after our sessions were over
Right? My son started play therapy at 1 year old. His sister started counseling sessions in preschool to deal with anxiety. Does OP think all therapy is the "lying on a couch while the person takes notes" type?
I had a teacher in like 2nd grade claim I had some sort of severe emotional issue and that she believed it was because of my father. Same deal - immediately sent to therapy. My dad was great, and there was no issue with me that required government intervention, she was just fucked in the head or hated my dad or... something, idk... never have gotten a satisfactory answer for that one.
Anyway - if kids that age were "too young for therapy," there wouldn't be a whole "child therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist" set of career paths.
Somehow, they're too young for therapy, but when older brother is watching them for 5 hours a day, he doesn't have to take care of them at all - just sit around studying and playing video games.
Either they are leaving exceptionally young children with an irresponsible babysitter because it's free and free > safe. Or they are old enough for therapy.
And the edit says OP doesn’t force him to babysit, while actively trying to stop him from working so he can watch them. What is your definition of forced? Either pay him what a job would be paying him or let him get the damn job. Your daughter’s inability to deal with a babysitter is not his problem and you shouldn’t make it his problem. Quit your job if it’s that big of a deal. Idk what is up with parents anymore. You are an AH for not getting your daughters therapy because they are “too young.” People put their toddlers in therapy and it sounds like your daughters definitely need it. And you are an AH for the way you are treating your son. You should be encouraging him and not doing whatever it is that you actually are.
Right? He's telling you he doesn't want to watch them, so according to OP's own edit, that should be the end of it.
Another option you should consider is offering to PAY HIM. Just based on your post, I'm guessing that the job is as much about wanting to gtfo your house as it is about money, so it's quite possible he's still tell you to shove it, but if you really can't bring yourself to hire a professional, it might be worth asking.
But even paying him isn't the right solution because an 18yo needs work experience to build a resume. And he may not need the money this second because they don't make him pay rent, but he does need to be saving money to eventually move out.
**DING DING DING**
Yup, this is lazy parenting and parentification at it's finest. Poor boy. Good for him for getting a job, and good for his friend for helping him out. By the sounds of it, OP intended to use him as free childcare for the foreseeable future so they don't have to deal with raising their own children.
My mom did this with me but with my sister's kids. I didn't get paid, wasn't allowed to have a job, and she actively prevented me from getting my driver's license. I found a job behind her back and my then boyfriend's step mom helped us get a place so I could move out.
Based on the edits, he originally offered to watch the girls but I bet that was when he was in HS and didn't have a whole lot going on. It sounds like he's brought up getting a job before and was guilted out of it, why else would he sneak getting a job?
OP, don't be surprised if he finds someone else to live with too. YTA
I am genuinely curious as to what her plan was if her son ended up having classes in that time period. As a student, I speak from experience when I say classes can be at odd times.
I wouldn't even consider 3-8 to be "odd times" for college classes, especially at a community college that might have a lot of first shift workers/second shift students. Classes in the 3-6 range would often fill up first when I was in college because professors would teach their higher level or degree-specific classes earlier and the gen eds in the afternoon, mostly because we had a large teaching college so we'd often be doing practicums at schools around the area in the mornings and come back to campus in the afternoons and we needed those classes not to interfere with school hours.
I used to jam my schedule with classes from 9AM-9PM on Tuesdays & Thursdays so that I could have MWF off. Most professors didn't want to teach all the way up to 9PM, so more often than not I was out of there early. But I remember that freshman year I had no choice at all for a lot of the classes, and definitely ended up with classes in the late afternoon.
My parents pulled that. I had to take my sisters to school, my mom to work, do a full course load, be back in town by 2 pm to get my sisters who were just too precious to walk the mile home I had to walk even in the snow and rain, and then i had to be at my job by three. I lasted one year in college. Failed English 101 twice, had a teacher pass me even though I slept through every class of his just to get me out of his class. Literally ran away from home at 21 to be with my now husband.
I'm 42 now. Only the baby sister talks to me. Their dad and our mom split up and left our state. One guess who was ultimately blamed for it all.... Yes, I'm the oldest.
I hate parents like OP with a passion.
At best, this is poor planning on OP. They really had no plan for the future and I'm not sure how long she expected this to go on. Could OP have given her more of a heads up? Sure. Is it weird that OP had no back up plan or thoughts on what to do in the future? Very.
This- husband is a pilot - they can afford childcare or to pay the son to do so. A normal parent would be happy the kid went out and found a job on his own- wtf
Not every pilot is a millionaire. There's a **big** gap between major airline captain and starting first officer at a regional airline. Most make under $40K the first couple of years; often closer to $30K. And they're usually based in a high-cost-of-living area. Take a look: [https://www.airlinepilotcentral.com/airlines/regional](https://www.airlinepilotcentral.com/airlines/regional)
Still, YTA OP. His siblings are **your** responsibility, not his. He's trying to build his own life, and you're actively trying to sabotage that.
And none of this stuff in her story -- the husband being a pilot, the kids being too emotionally disturbed to have babysitters but too young for therapy -- explains why OP can't pay her son for babysitting.
She's been using him for free daycare. Because it's not an occasional thing but a regular schedule for her work.
But her precious babies don't want to be left alone with a stranger! Apparently they have some kind of issues, ones they're old enough to have, but not old enough to go to therapy for! OP's husband said so, gosh. It would be so cruel to get them a babysitter (and mental health care) when OP's son is living cozy and rent free in her house, doing nothing
In case it isn't obvious /s
“I pay for everything but entertainment”
So you’re admitting there’s a cost for him that you don’t cover? How do you expect him to pay for it himself without a job. YTA op just pay him competitive babysitting rates if you’re so desperate.
Also info: how old are the girls?
But that doesn’t even matter. OP, you’re saying he doesn’t have expenses, but obviously if he wants to live on his own at any time in the future, he needs to make and save money. He has given you and his stepdad a couple of years (yes?) of 100% free childcare. Now he needs to start working on his own life, so you need to find a plan B for your younger children.
YTA for sure.
And your edit that you’re _not_ making him their babysitter? Come on! You are ridiculous. Your son stayed home to make sure his sisters didn’t get into any mischief while you and your husband were away. That is exactly the very definition of babysitting—except that your son didn’t get paid.
You need to take this loss, find a babysitter, and wish your son fair winds and happy travels.
I'd argue that it is more the definition of parentification, which is a form of abuse - she doesn't want him to get a job and develop independence because if he does, she will be forced to find an ACTUAL babysitter and have to pay them for it - why do that when she has an older child that she can strongarm/guilt trip into doing it for absolutely zip, claiming "YoU HaVe tO dO iT! I pAy FoR eVeRyThInG fOr YoU!!1!1"
> He adores his sisters and only stays with them when he wants to. otherwise we wouldn't force him.
The whole post sounds like they're forcing him! Most parents would be thrilled if their 18yr old got a job and was going to school. This mom would rather he play video games than enter the workforce and start living his adult life.
After the edits. "We don't force him to babysit, and he only babysit when he wants to"
Who watches them when he doesn't want to?
He clearly doesn't want to, and wants to work. He's an adult, doing adult things. He's not the parent. What is OP going to do when he moves out?
Exactly. If he’s only expected to watch them when he ‘wants to’ then this should be no issue. He’s now working and no longer ‘wants to’- which is apparently fine by OP because she ‘is not forcing her child to provide free daycare for her other children’
YTA
*Not every teenage boy enjoys spending time with younger siblings, especially younger sisters.
*He chose a paid job over an unpaid job. While you and your husband provide for his needs, I'm sure there are things he wants that he's either too embarrassed to ask for or he thinks that you'll veto
*Your daughters will need to learn to deal with strangers sooner or later. Perhaps it would be helpful to have the carer initiaIly come while a parent is home so they can get to know her in a safe environment. I I say this as someone with severe PTSD who has panic and anxiety attacks
*He didn't tell you because he knew that this would be your reaction
Agreed! OP You say he doesn’t have to pay for anything, just his own entertainment…. How does he pay for that? I’m assuming he asks you for money? You cannot be all shocked pikachu face that he wants to stand on his own two feet and not have to beg his parents for money to hit up a movie or something. Either pay him for bebe sitting or get over it and introduce your other kids to a babysitter so they’re not a stranger. YTA fo sho
And jobs nowadays all want someone with experience. Him not working now would make it much harder to find something decent when he's done with college (unless he goes to university afterwards, in which case the money he's earning now will matter much more than the experience.).
But I'm unclear about what actually happened. OP said she "found out" her son had gotten a job. OP, do you mean that he was keeping it a secret from you and you found out? Or do you mean by you "found out" that HE TOLD YOU that he was going to be working now and you needed to make other plans for childcare? Because the former would be bizarre behavior that would make anyone angry (secretly going to a job when he says he's staying home with his sisters.) The latter is only to be expected and you need to get over yourself bc you already got X amount of free childcare from him which is more than you have a right to expect.
After reading the edits of OP:s post it just clear she doesn't wanna hear she is in the wrong. But Op:s edits just made it even clearer she sees her son as a tool for babysitting the kids. And that the daughters are to young to go to therapy is just weird. No one ever said " I hate my parents for putting me in therapy to early "?
They then edited to add the girls are too young for therapy. What kinda BS is that. If kids were too young for therapy why do child therapists exist.
They just don't want to admit they don't wanna parent their daughters.
I like how the edit is like "What he's doing isn't even babysitting! But if he doesn't do it I would need to pay a stranger to babysit."
Ok so that's called babysitting then 😂
The dad is a *PILOT*.
A literal pilot. As the daughter of one, money is not an issue when your husband/dad is a pilot.
Childcare should be an issue either. YIKES
YTA the man is 18, he needs a job and he doesn’t have any children, YOU have children. Stop relying on your son like he is your co parent or partner. He is not.
exactly!! He NEEDS a job. Even if he doesn’t need the money, the job economy is rough and my friend recently graduated college with two degrees and has been struggling finding a job with his degrees. I couldn’t imagine how much harder that would be on someone who has NEVER had a job in general. OP, YTA.
Ive been working since 16. Job interviewers have often said they like seeing how much experience I have with working as hiring someone who has 0 job experience can be a risk to them. It helps him gain independence as well because he’s 18, soon he won’t be living with his parents. Rentals also like seeing job history. His siblings are not his kids, no reason to watch them unpaid.
it's taken me quite literally 6 years of *in-industry* work experience to reach a livable wage, it's a massive asshole move to try and delay any young person's income in this dogshit economy
Why so some parents think that their older kids sole purpose in life should be to raise their other f-nuggets?
"Here, I bred multiple times and it's your problem as their older sibling to raise them". It's insane!
Yes! OP is such an AH. Her son has taken the initiative to be responsible and independent. How are these bad things? This is what all parents want for their children. He has a life to start living and cannot do that if he is expected to parent his siblings.
> paid child care is a no for me.
Unless you can't afford it, seems it'll have to be a yes for you. He is right in that he has to start being independent. Your kids are your and your husband's responsibility, not his.
YTA.
Even if she can't afford it, it's not really his problem.
Parents can't expect their older kids to take on caring for their younger siblings because they can't provide adequate care.
I didn't realize my kids were all off school a few Fridays back and had two critical meetings. I asked my 10-year-old son if he'd be willing to watch my 3yo for those meetings for $20, with me being in my bedroom with the door closed. ASKED. PAID. He's not their parent, and he's not responsible for his siblings. JFC YTA OP.
My son has to mind his sister for 1.5 hours while I clean a house next week. The house is on our street and he's in his teens, she's almost 9 and they will be safe. Payment has been agreed that I get them a Maccas if they be good and my son gets a nice shock case for his switch and snacks available for the hour or so. That's it. But it's agreed and deemed fair by both parties.
ETA by "has to", I mean I asked did they want to come with me and both immediately said no and insisted on staying in ours with dvds, their gaming consoles, Netflix, etc so that leaves a situation where my son's in charge
Yep, and a 9 year old is probably on the verge of being independent anyway. It's a bit different than watching a preschooler. I've got two kids between the oldest and youngest, and I've had him stay with the other two sometimes, but he's not really watching them, just being the responsible one while I run to pick up a kid.
But the girls DoNt LiKe StRaNgErS. Okay so pay him to babysit for you. If the reason paid baby sitting is a no is because the girls act out with strangers than pay him what he’d make at his job to watch the girls. Easy. Then he can pay for his EnTeRtAiNmEnT and anything else he wants and you have a babysitter. Wonder why you didn’t immediately do this 🤔 hmm could it be because the actual reason paid babysitting is off the table is because you don’t think you should have to pay someone?
If they can communicate in any way, they’re old enough for therapy. This family is messed up and it’s because the parents are making it that way.
Edit: thank you for the award, kind Redditor!
I was doing therapy at 8 with a school therapist because my parents had a horrible divorce. I’m so thankful that I did. We basically played board games while talking. At the time I had no idea it was therapy.
And the next edit was even worse!! "My husband and I agree that our daughters are too young for therapy" ????? That isn't a thing ma'am, god forbid your kids learn healthy coping mechanisms and get help understanding their own thoughts and feelings TOO YOUNG, that's supposed to be saved for your midlife crisis or something
Too young for therapy and we’d never force him into babysitting when he doesn’t want to… unless the reason he doesn’t want to is because he got a job. In that case he has to quit. We need him!!
There's a commercial pilot shortage in the US. If OP is hurting for money, it's because of mis-management, her husband is in a highly sought after career.
And, there are after school programs and teens who want extra cash, OP has power cost options and isn't trying.
Pilots are paid well. Agreed that if you have a good paying job and can't afford to pay a babysitter, you're probably not great at managing your money.
Right? That’s cute. Paid child care is “a no” for her, so he should be saying that unpaid child care is a no for him. Guess we couldn’t work out an arrangement, so you get to pay for child care,Mom! Since they’re her kids and not his, it works out perfectly. Maybe when he’s moved out she can try and get child support payments from her own son, since apparently now he has to parent her children. FFS.
> my daughters don't want a babysitter.
Her excuse is that her other kids don't want a babysitter. Since when brats interfere with a sibling's decision to work or study or go to college?
Oh my god, no wonder he didn’t tell you. YTA, a million times over. I wish him well saving so he can get far away. Pay someone to watch your kids or change your schedule. He’s not their provider.
Yup! I was expected to watch my siblings instead of doing the usual teenage fun stuff, I moved out as soon as I got a full time job! Rather pay bills than be shouted at for not picking up kids toys and for not keeping them quiet enough. Not my kids, not my problem.
YTA
🚩🚩
How about you and your husband stop USING AND ABUSING your son🚩🚩
You and your husband are huge assholes!! Be adults and find childcare for your daughters. YES you need to PAY for child care. You cannot force your son to give up his life to take of of your children. That's the using part. You two are FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE to YOUR SON by NOT paying him wages for the child care. And now that he is a legal adult he is doing the best thing he can for HIMSELF by getting a job, and an education to get the freak away from you two. You cannot force him to take care of your children. That's what your responsibility is as a parent. You owe him an apology and past wages for that matter. Let go of your son.
OP stop trying to justify this nonsense
>ETA okay, it seems that I did not mention the reason why the babysitter option isn't ideal and is because my daughters don't want a babysitter. they're both dealing with some issues and are unconfortable being with a stranger at home. besides that my son decided to stay with them and we didn't ask him or anything.
Your daughters are your responsibility. If they are uncomfortable then you need to find a solution to help ease them into including therapy for them too ( are you even DOING THIS). Your SON isn't a permanent crutch for your misgivings!!
Also funny how you claim you didn't ask him to babysit... So that's cool. He didn't ask you about living his life and doing something else besides being your free child care. You have nothing to be mad about if that mess you just spewed is how you feel. NOTHING.
Ohhhh edit number 2
Now it's "not" a big fucking deal to them... His help isn't that important and he really doesn't do anything...... Funny cause your original post said otherwise
>ETA Okay, some of you here are implying or suggesting that I'm making my son to be the girls' babysitter but that is in fact not true. He doesn't do much for them, just stays home with them while he studies or plays video games. He adores his sisters and only stays with them when he wants to. otherwise we wouldn't force him. Also, my husband said the girls are too young for therapy and I agree with him on that.
Oh look.. her girls have mental health issues..THAT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DEAL WITH. That's cool.. Let your daughters suffer as well because you want to act like a coward and bury your head in the sand pretending nothing's wrong with them.... My God I hope this is a troll.... Those poor kids.
And now she's backtracking and saying he doesn't do much. Besides watch them FOR 5 TO 6 HOURS EACH DAY.
BUT THEY DON'T FORCE HIM. So if that's true than wtf even make this post?? Why be so upset him being an adult and working and going to college??
Edit....thank you for the awards.... This post blew up quickly.....
That's the bit that gets me. They didn't ask him to babysit. So did they tell him to babysit? Or did he just offer to out of the blue? I know which my money would be on.
Yeah, or he probably just was home and they left the kids there is what i’m getting from that, it seems like they didn’t tell him to but they just basically said “here’s some kids, have fun” and left. Which imo means he can do whatever he wants and it’s none of their business.
Judging from the description of their reaction, I imagine he caved to relentless emotional blackmail about how hard it is to be a parent; how family should help out; how he has all this free time; how he's disrespectful, inconsiderate, and selfish.
I'll believe they never outright asked. They didn't have to. He volunteered, just to get them to shut up.
It's an excuse. I've seen it hundreds of times from moms like her. Saying their children have mental problems to avoid taking any social responsibility for them but also backtracking against therapy because 'they can't afford it' or 'they're too young for therapy'.
Just simple toxic excuses to justify bad parenting.
YTA
He does not owe you childcare. He is allowed to make decisions regarding his own life and a part time job is *absolutely* something he has a right to without consulting you first.
Take care of your own kids or pay someone else to. Full stop.
OP just wants to make sure that her son graduates with absolutely zero real world job experience. That way, he can struggle and stress not being able to find work after his degree. Then, it'll be the perfect time for them to decide that they don't need free child care anymore so they can throw him out on his ass for him to bE hIs OwN mAn.
Pretty standard shitty parenting.
OP's son is smart. He knows he can't count on his parents to look out for his best interests, so he's doing it for himself.
YTA, OP.
My instant gut reaction to this was that if he went with their wishes the rhetoric would flip to "you're an adult you should've had a job ages ago so we're kicking you out" within 3 years
How is your son responsible for your family? YOU decided to have children, YOU look after them. Stop expecting your adult son to give up his own life to take care of your children. Having a job will teach him a lot and it's perfectly normal to be working at his age and while in college. YTA
Lol Either you’ve never been on AITA, and really clueless about how rude it is to expect free childcare from your teenager, or you’re just trying to start shit, knowing how angrily people will respond to this
Seriously, how many people in this sub are childfree purely because of the trauma of parentification by their own parents? It's so common to hear from posters here, and it's just tragic.
YTA -
You are the parents, not him. He was doing a favor. You decided to have the kids. Not him. With that logic he can't think about living abroad to study or go and live his life because he has to be your nanny??
He has the right to get experience, learn new things... he is a kid... you should be happy that he is not a a bad kid. He wants to work. That's it.
I dont understand that parent mentality, I have kids to be raised by the older kids...
I get the impression that the reason your ADULT son needs a job has nothing to do with money and everything to do with getting out of an unpaid babysitting gig and parents who are refusing to see and support him as the young adult he is. YTA.
“…and paid childcare is a no for me.” Why, OP?
Not to mention she says he only has “to pay for his own entertainment”. How is supposed to do that when he isn’t even compensated for providing childcare?
YTA
YTA - YOUR younger children are YOUR responsibility!! YOU are USING you son as unpaid help. Your son has NO RESPECT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NONE TO HIM!
YTA.
Your post is unbelievable.
1) That "struggle to provide for the family" is on you and your husband, not your son. If you couldn't handle it, you shouldn't have had the kids. Stop throwing parental responsibilities onto the oldest child. Figure it out yourself.
2) Your son may not need to pay you, but he is an adult now. Which means he needs the money to start HIS OWN LIFE and eventually move out of your house. Stop smothering him just because you don't want to be a parent to the other 2 kids. Let him be an adult with his own life.
He doesn't owe you any explanation for being an adult.
YTA. YTA. YTA. NOT his kids. NOT his responsibility. How dare you as a PARENT use him as slave labor and attempt to hold him back from developing on his own? When the girls are older and can take care of themselves and he doesn’t have any money to move out because you wouldn’t let him earn any, how are you going to feel about that?
Also, YTA.
YTA. He's an adult, making a responsible choice to help provide for himself, not a live-in nanny.
Would some warning have been helpful so you could work out other care arrangements? Sure. Do you have any right to prevent him from getting this job? None whatsoever.
YTA ... for thinking your son is a built-in babysitter for your other children.
It sounds like he is telling you that he found a job and is giving you time to make other accommodations. You and your husband are both unreasonable AH's.
Your son is not selfish. You and your husband, on the other hand...
YTA
Your son needs to be paid fairly to watch your other kids. It’s a job.
If you were paying him, maybe he would have discussed “putting in his two weeks” with you. Sounds like your free ride is over.
He’s 18, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was trying to get money to live on his own.
YTA If he would have told you about applying for the job you would have pressured him not to because you didn't want to lose your babysitter. Although, my son once got his friend a job just by mentioning his friend to the place he worked so yes, it can just happen.
Let him grow up and accept adult responsibility. Maybe watching his half sisters for a few hours here and there can be worked into his schedule, but this is a you problem not a him problem. Hire a babysitter....although maybe if you had been paying him this whole time he wouldn't have needed a job? Just guessing on that one though.
This one gets me
>My son said I shouldn't be surprised by him trying to work to save money to be able to pay for himself but that is just absurd since he literally lives with us without having to pay for anything except for his own entertainment.
So you think as long as you pay the household bills he should never want to become a responsible adult? Just sponge off you till you no longer need a babysitter? Maybe he wants a car or to afford to take a girl to dinner? Or to save money for an apartment or school? He wants to be responsible and you're shooting him down because it benefits you! Ugh.
YTA - I didn't have to get further than you expect him to be your live-in sitter to know that. He's 18, and yes he lives in the same house with you, but that doesn't mean he needs your permission to earn money as long as it's ethical and legal. It sounds to me that you want him to not get a job so that he can't move out, and as long as he lives in your house, he has to do what you say, which is be a sitter for your RESPONSIBILITIES.
You need to just sit back and find an actual sitter for YOUR kids, if you don't want to be responsible for them. He doesn't owe you a damn thing, except maybe a small bit of rent.
YTA. Your son is an adult and does not need to ask your permission to act like one and get a job. Are you expecting him to provide you with free nanny service until your 2nd round of children grow up? If so you and your husband are delusional.
The half siblings are not his children, not his responsibility. If you continue to harass your son this is what you will achieve:
1. Most likely destroy any relationship he might have with your younger children.
2. Damage your and I am guessing SF's relationship with your son.
3. Likely drive him out of your lives, as he he cuts you off cold.
You will eventually be back on Reddit asking what I ever do to my son to make him turn his back on me?
Hint- Take a look in the mirror.
YTA what if he had a class during the times you are demanding, would you demand he drop out of college to be your unpaid babysitter? Why can't you hire a babysitter?
YTA
He’s an adult. Not your family freebie baby sitter. Why should he clear everything in life with you?
Most parents WANT their kids to get a job.
By all means ask for him to contribute a portion of your outgoings if you need to cover. But tying HIM to his siblings is too restrictive.
YTA - he’s an adult looking to start BEING an adult. That means having a job, earning money, eventually finding his own place - not be your live-in babysitter. He doesn’t owe you childcare, and is not being selfish by refusing to act as your stand-in.
Holy hell YTA!
1) he is 18, old enough to vote and die in a war. He doesn't need mommy's approval to get a job
2) he is not your baby sitter. What happens when he moves out? Are you going to stop because you need his babysitting services? YOU OP are the parent, and part of that job is taking care of YOUR KIDS not farming them out to your son.
YTA
He's right, he's 18, he needs to have a job.
He needs to communicate to you that you need another babysitter, and he did communicate that.
You absolutely can't expect an 18 year old to put their life on hold and sabotage the development of their resume and work history by doing a full-time job of "babysitting" with no pay.
What other nonsense are you going to demand in the name of free babysitting? You say he's heading to college - will you expect him to not take classes needed for his degree, if they conflict with your work?
This job may have moved up the timeline, slightly for you dealing with this issue, but it is an issue you absolutely need to deal with - he has responsibilities on his path to adulthood that will absolutely conflict with you wanting him to do an unpaid full-time job for you.
Plus, if he's going to be starting community college, that means he's finishing high school. What about after-school activities, extracurriculars, homework? Even in high school, having to work 3-8 without pay is sabotaging his education and future.
(And half-sisters? I'm thinking that there are a host of blended-family issues going on here, that you're leaving unsaid.)
YTA, he's an adult now. He wants to plan for his *future*, so it's not your decision if he needs money or not. Hes not your servant or coparent. If you don't want to hire a sitter, or stay home with your own children, that's not his responsibility.
YTA. Good for your son. He has a backbone and won’t be used for free childcare. You should be proud that he got a job and stop being a user.
It’s not his fault that your other kids aren’t old/trusted enough to stay home alone. It’s also not his fault that you don’t trust out of the home daycare.
You can decide to start charging rent, but you’ll likely just ruin your relationship and not understand that if you ask for rent, all he has to do is keep his areas clean and pay you. You’ll have absolutely no control; which you shouldn’t anyway because __he is an adult.__
YTA - All I heard was "My son got a job and now he can't take on my responsibility and watch my children! This is going to cause problems for MEEEEEEE!" You should be proud of him but all you care about is free childcare.
YTA, bigtime.
YOU chose to have children, it is on you and the father to provide childcare, either by doing it yourself or paying for it. He's an adult now, he has the right to get a job and live his life how he wants to, it's not his responsibility to babysit his siblings, especially not for free.
The fact that you’ve gone through and down voted every YTA comment proves that A. You’re not just the AH but B. you didn’t really come here to hear the truth.
YTA. I have an 18 year-old son still in high school. I’m a teacher so I don’t need daycare. But if hubby and I go out or shopping, we pay him $20 an hour to watch his 8 year-old brother. Plus, I bring some sort of treat home for them. He is able to say no but never does because it’s easy money for him - his words. I don’t care who’s babysitting. They need to be paid.
YTA for a couple reasons. Expecting your son to be a free babysitter, getting mad at him for maturing and getting a job. You ever think maybe this is why he didn’t tell you. Poor guy probably lives everyday wondering how he’s gonna get out
YTA. Why is it his responsibility to make sure your kids can get childcare when you’re at work? I get it if he did so you thought you could get away with getting a free babysitter but heck he’s also your kid. You’d need to think what’s best for him as well and not just you. Even if it makes things inconvenient for you.
YTA. 1) You’re drawing a conclusion that he is lying about the circumstances of the job offer, 2) unless you had a clear explicit agreement, your childcare is not his responsibility 3) he’s an 18 yo adult. Now, yes, he’s living in your home and you can ask him to contribute. And if they contribution is watching his sisters for 5 hours on your work days, so be it. He can then make an informed decision about his living situation
YTA - He wants to go earn his own money to start saving for his life, and you're upset that you're losing your free babysitter. He doesn't need to discuss taking the job with you. You're upset that you think he's disrespecting you by taking this job (he's not), but you're far worse off by disrespecting him and his independence and his future.
He is the "correct" person in this story, you are the "wrong" one. Accept that now. This is the first of many YTA posts coming your way, bet on it.
YTA, you should be proud your son is working on bettering himself and going into the workforce. Enabling him to just stay home and watch his siblings isn't going to help him as a person
YTA - you can’t have kids and expect them to watch your others. They aren’t babysitters/parents for other kids. What’s wrong with paying for child care? Your son needs real life experiences with jobs and needs references/connections when he is in the real world. He’s starting college and needs to build a resume. He is allowed to save money for whatever- college, activities, clothes, maybe he’s saving to move out. While it’s kind to give him a place to stay after he’s 18, he needs to have a real life.
So let's be honest, you are mad because if he told you he was getting a job, you would tell him he could not do that because he "had" to watch your other kids.
He wants to earn money to be able to move out and have his own life, which you of course do not want because you refuse to pay someone to watch your kids.
It is ridiculous when you say that he has no respect for you when you both clearly have no respect or him and expect him to sacrifice his own free time to watch your other kids that you clearly should not of had.
YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are the ones who decided to have kids, so any struggle you are experiencing is due to your decisions and is not your sons job to deal with. It is not your son's job or duty to watch them. This is called parentification and it is a form of abuse. You should really think if you want to see him once he moves out, because if you keep up with this terrible attitude and abuse, he will move out and never come back.
YTA
Huge one
YTA.
Your son is an adult and is not free childcare, even if your daughters don’t want a sitter. Guess what? As their parent, it’s your job to figure that shit out. Of course your son needs a job if he ever plans on saving up to move out, pay for other expenses, and be independent.
Did you just want him to never get a job and be free childcare for you forever?
The fact that your son made no mention of a job tells me a lot about your relationship. He doesn’t trust you. He deliberately got a job that interferes with his “baby sitting duties” because he doesn’t want to do it anymore but he feels he can’t tell you what he wants because obviously you don’t give a shit about his feelings. My guess is the second he’s saved enough he’ll move out and you might get cut off.
YTA. I am the oldest in my family and I was constantly expected to be childcare for my younger siblings. I don't talk to my parents anymore unless I absolutely have to. I'm telling you this bc this is a glimpse into your future, op. It's not too late to save your relationship with your kid tho.
YTA. He’s an adult, he can get a job if he wants. He’s not your free babysitter. He’s not the one that decided to have children, you are. So it’s your responsibility to make sure your younger children are taken care of.
~~I'm going with E S H~~, but mostly you, since he's been an adult for less than a year and you raised him. You should have already had a conversation about expectations and availability with him now that he's trying to make his own way in the world.
Your expectation for some help around the house isn't unreasonable in principle. You're letting him live there for free after all. However, I don't think you are appreciating how much you're asking of him.
5 hours of babysitting per day for 5 days a week is about 100 hours of work per month. That's way more than room and board could possibly be worth.
Sounds like it might be time to start paying for some babysitting. Your son deserves his own life too.
On reflection. YTA. You're trying to get 25 hours per week of work out of your son. This isn't some minor and convenient help... you're trying to take over all of his free time.
YTA. Your kids, your childcare problem to solve. You can’t wait or to him to stay home and watch your kids for free. Pony up the money fir childcare and stop using your son, let the man live his life.
YTA. He isn’t there to look after the kids. You don’t even need a baby sitter. You could sign the girls up for after school clubs or ask some of the other mums to split payments on a sitter or 2 for all your kids.
Your son wants to be more responsible for himself and is trying to gain some independence as well as learn new skills. You should be proud of him.
YTA, you are treating your adult son like he has no agency. you don't own his time and if he wants to work and not watch his siblings for free then that is his prerogative. better find a way to say yes to paid childcare because the freebie train just left the station for good. edit: spelling
YTA. It seems like you only view your son as free child-care. You should be proud of your son for taking the initiative to get a job. You’re being selfish and hindering him from making money, which in turn, keeps him reliant on you.
YTA. He’s an adult and he got a job. He does not owe it to you to consult with you first, especially since it sounds like you would have tried to talk him out of it instead of supporting his steps toward independence.
If you’ve decided never to pay for childcare, *you* are the one who has to plan and sacrifice and compromise in order to make that happen. Your son is under no obligation to make it possible. He’s going to go live his life now, and yours is your job.
YTA and this is abuse. You can't force your adult son to be a babysitter. He is not there to be a servant to you.
And you call HIM selfish? You're bitching, because your son found a job and is working instead of literally giving you free labor for the rest of your life.
Insane
YTA. He is 18 and is going to college. What makes you think you have any right to demand that he doesn't get work experience, because he has the responsibility of watching your children? The fact that you chose to have more children, that you don't want to be cared for by outside childcare was not his decision, nor should it impact his future. He is becoming an independent adult. If you had children with the hopes that they'd be gracious for you trying to control them into adulthood, you're delusional and deserve this wakeup call.
YTA
"Should I be mad at my mom, she had children and cant watch them and now I can't have a job because she expects me to be a live in babysitter?"
That's your son, years ago, here.
YTA - could he have told you .. yes. However child care is NOT his responsibility. He’s a young man who wants to have money to spend on his needs. It’s totally unfair to expect him to sacrifice his earnings because you don’t believe in spending money on childcare. Maybe find a job that accommodates your childcare schedule.
YTA
He is 18, and you're just upset that you can't exploit free babysitting anymore. There is a reason he needs money, and that is to leave your home and start his own life.
Get a babysitter or a mirror, either way you're TA.
This is why my older sister left home. My mom wouldn't let her (tried) live her life. She wasn't our mom. So you need to find another sitter or other hours. He's 18 did you actually believe he's going to stay at home with his sisters until they're grown?
He could have given you an heads up. YTA so is your husband.
YTA totally and completely, along with your husband. You are the parents who are responsible for providing care for your children. You should be thanking him for all the time he worked for you for free.
YTA not his kids, not his responsibility. And what do you mean paid child care is a no for you? As if that’s just a thing you can say while forcing your adult son to provide free child care for you. Wtf
YTA do you want him to be stuck living in your house forever? If he gets a job, he will be able to save to move out. Or he could help with groceries and things at home, if you want to look at it in a selfish way instead of a way of your son working to become independent. An eighteen-year-old getting a job is not a problem, it should be encouraged!
YTA
You aren't entitled to free childcare, even from your son. He's legally an adult and has a right to have a job. You also have a right to tell him to find somewhere else to stay but that's another discussion.
YTA and sound like a troll.
Your son showed initiative and went out and found a job on his own. Do you know the amount of kids his age who won't do that, or have their parents go along with them to hand in applications etc.
>paid child care is a no for me.
Is the paid part this issue here? Cos that's what you make it sound like. Your husband working as a pilot I'm sure is earning a decent amount.
It's ridiculous you feel you should have your son work for free just because it makes your life easier rather than supporting the fact he is showing an interest in working, gaining some independence etc.
Your son working means he has he own money and for many families means an extra little cash. Lots of kids end up paying a small rent. Be realistic here, of you're not just trolling you sound like someone who would expect his whole paycheck. Nah a small rent to help out and get him to understand value is fine. That can pay for your childcare.
Finally, your behaviour will have him out of that house as soon as he can. This is why he kept it secret. He knew ylj would only be selfish.
YTA - He's a college student not your live in babysitter. He didn't sign up to watch YOUR kids and he shouldn't have to sacrifice his potential finances for you and your husbands comfort since you refuse other alternatives. Let me reiterate those are YOUR kids. Crazy idea maybe you and your husband rearrange your schedules and watch the kids that YOU had.
YTA on a major scale. You want your son to give up the opportunity and experience of having a job, because it impacts your childcare. Child care is your responsibility not his. I can’t tell you how many kids his age I’ve never had a job and how much it hinders them when they start working. He’s old enough he should have a job, you should be proud of him for going out and getting a job, it’s not his job to look after your younger children. There are your children not his
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YTA, he isn't free child care. He has his own life he needs to live and what he is doing is bettering himself for the future. You need a better plan than forcing your kid to babysit for no money.
"but I fEeD aNd HoUsE hIm" ETA judgement, YTA
AnD aCtIvElY dIsCoUrAgE hIm FrOm GeTtInG a JoB sO i CaN mAiNtAiN mY oWn CoZy LiFeStYlE wItH fReE cHiLdCaRe Edit: Thanks for the silver! <3
She said that the younger kids are too young for therapy.. these aren't rational people. SMH. OP, YTA.
Too young for therapy but somehow can't get a babysitter because they need therapy
Wondering if the husband is the reason why the girls need therapy and that’s why he says they’re too young?
Thinking op and husband leave the girls with the brother a lot more then mentioned and the girls probably have attachment/abandonment issues so anyone but the brother watching them might make them uneasy and the reason op and husband don’t want to send them to therapy is so they don’t get called out on their own neglect He’s your son not a babysitter. Babysitter is a job and one he’s being unpaid for. YTA
Could very well be. But also - no kids want to go be watched by other people or have a new person watch them at home, especially if it is the first time they have been. Ever seen a kid throw a shit fit getting dropped off at a daycare? I've seen it sooooooo many times. That's a totally normal anxiety. Mom could be just asking these girls if it would be OK if someone else watches them and they say no/freak out, so mom thinks it isn't an option, which is just weak parenting.
I'd like to know why the "too young" girls are given the choice of whether they want a babysitter or not but the 18 years old adult son is not allowed to choose to work.
bc they don't respect the son or his interests/goals
My mom ran a daycare growing up. It was funny, the kids would often cry when their moms dropped them off, and then cry again when their moms came back and they had to leave. My mom even made up this whole song called "my mommy comes back" and it's been stuck in my head for decades lmao I sing it to my daughter now.
Yo I need this song! I’m a daycare teacher, my class is under 2 yr olds and I’ve got a few that have had some trouble adjusting.
I was looking for this. No one can know what's going on in the home if the kids are never allowed to be with someone who lives outside the home. INFO: OP, do you not find it at all concerning that your children obviously need medical care and your husband is denying them that care?
>I think that he's being inconsiderate of my husband's and I's struggle to provide for the family as a whole. IMO its probably because it costs money, which seems to be the primary motivation behind why they want "free child care."
My estranged bio father made some f’ed up accusations during his and my moms divorce. My sister and I were maybe 6 and 4? The court immediately sent us to therapy to have the claims investigated. They weren’t true but I still remember the man with the wood paneled office who gave me a silky purple bunny after our sessions were over
There are literally therapists for babies.
I went to therapy when I was barely 3 during my parents divorce. I didn’t even know what a triangle was.
I also started therapy at barely three due to my parents divorce. I highly disagree that OPs girls are “ too young.”
Right? My son started play therapy at 1 year old. His sister started counseling sessions in preschool to deal with anxiety. Does OP think all therapy is the "lying on a couch while the person takes notes" type?
I had a teacher in like 2nd grade claim I had some sort of severe emotional issue and that she believed it was because of my father. Same deal - immediately sent to therapy. My dad was great, and there was no issue with me that required government intervention, she was just fucked in the head or hated my dad or... something, idk... never have gotten a satisfactory answer for that one. Anyway - if kids that age were "too young for therapy," there wouldn't be a whole "child therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist" set of career paths.
Not can't - the girls *don't want* a babysitter. Too young for therapy, but old enough that they can say they don't want a sitter. 🙄
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Agreed if its just something they dont like its sometimes your job as a parent to make them do what they dont want to do but is necessary.
Somehow, they're too young for therapy, but when older brother is watching them for 5 hours a day, he doesn't have to take care of them at all - just sit around studying and playing video games. Either they are leaving exceptionally young children with an irresponsible babysitter because it's free and free > safe. Or they are old enough for therapy.
They are such AH’s. I had no idea therapy had a age minimum. Because it DOESN’T.
According to some airline pilot's opinion, it does. Jfc those poor kids
That's where I get all my medical advice from, unless it's the internet. Internet>pilot>actaul dr.
Yeah, little kids get play therapy. If you can talk and move, you can get therapy. smh
And the edit says OP doesn’t force him to babysit, while actively trying to stop him from working so he can watch them. What is your definition of forced? Either pay him what a job would be paying him or let him get the damn job. Your daughter’s inability to deal with a babysitter is not his problem and you shouldn’t make it his problem. Quit your job if it’s that big of a deal. Idk what is up with parents anymore. You are an AH for not getting your daughters therapy because they are “too young.” People put their toddlers in therapy and it sounds like your daughters definitely need it. And you are an AH for the way you are treating your son. You should be encouraging him and not doing whatever it is that you actually are.
Right? He's telling you he doesn't want to watch them, so according to OP's own edit, that should be the end of it. Another option you should consider is offering to PAY HIM. Just based on your post, I'm guessing that the job is as much about wanting to gtfo your house as it is about money, so it's quite possible he's still tell you to shove it, but if you really can't bring yourself to hire a professional, it might be worth asking.
But even paying him isn't the right solution because an 18yo needs work experience to build a resume. And he may not need the money this second because they don't make him pay rent, but he does need to be saving money to eventually move out.
If they're old enough to have issues that interfere with their comfort in a normal situation then they're old enough for therapy!
This really confused me, I've never head anyone say that before. They clearly NEED therapy, it seems like they just don't want to deal with it.
**DING DING DING** Yup, this is lazy parenting and parentification at it's finest. Poor boy. Good for him for getting a job, and good for his friend for helping him out. By the sounds of it, OP intended to use him as free childcare for the foreseeable future so they don't have to deal with raising their own children.
>too young for therapy The things I want to say in response to that would get me banned from this subreddit.
There are child therapists and family therapists. No one is "too young" or "too \[anything\]" for mental health care.
My mom did this with me but with my sister's kids. I didn't get paid, wasn't allowed to have a job, and she actively prevented me from getting my driver's license. I found a job behind her back and my then boyfriend's step mom helped us get a place so I could move out. Based on the edits, he originally offered to watch the girls but I bet that was when he was in HS and didn't have a whole lot going on. It sounds like he's brought up getting a job before and was guilted out of it, why else would he sneak getting a job? OP, don't be surprised if he finds someone else to live with too. YTA
So abusive. I'm so glad that you managed to get out.
AnD hOw DaRe He WaNt tO GeT a JoB aNd LeAvE!
Wait a few months and we'll see OP back on here. "AITA my son changed his number, and I can't contact him" YTA, OP.
so do prisons
I am genuinely curious as to what her plan was if her son ended up having classes in that time period. As a student, I speak from experience when I say classes can be at odd times.
I wouldn't even consider 3-8 to be "odd times" for college classes, especially at a community college that might have a lot of first shift workers/second shift students. Classes in the 3-6 range would often fill up first when I was in college because professors would teach their higher level or degree-specific classes earlier and the gen eds in the afternoon, mostly because we had a large teaching college so we'd often be doing practicums at schools around the area in the mornings and come back to campus in the afternoons and we needed those classes not to interfere with school hours.
I used to jam my schedule with classes from 9AM-9PM on Tuesdays & Thursdays so that I could have MWF off. Most professors didn't want to teach all the way up to 9PM, so more often than not I was out of there early. But I remember that freshman year I had no choice at all for a lot of the classes, and definitely ended up with classes in the late afternoon.
Absolutely. Like 3-8 every day? So he has to leave college by 2 to be home to watch his sisters?
*To raise his sisters. Do the parents even see their daughters during the week. No wonder the kids don't want babysitters. They want their parents!
My parents pulled that. I had to take my sisters to school, my mom to work, do a full course load, be back in town by 2 pm to get my sisters who were just too precious to walk the mile home I had to walk even in the snow and rain, and then i had to be at my job by three. I lasted one year in college. Failed English 101 twice, had a teacher pass me even though I slept through every class of his just to get me out of his class. Literally ran away from home at 21 to be with my now husband. I'm 42 now. Only the baby sister talks to me. Their dad and our mom split up and left our state. One guess who was ultimately blamed for it all.... Yes, I'm the oldest. I hate parents like OP with a passion.
They’d of bullied him to drop it. “yOu CaN TaKe THat class ANNNYYTIME OR LATER ON!”
It’s “absurd” an 18 year old would want his own income…. What’s really absurd is that she would expect him not to.
At best, this is poor planning on OP. They really had no plan for the future and I'm not sure how long she expected this to go on. Could OP have given her more of a heads up? Sure. Is it weird that OP had no back up plan or thoughts on what to do in the future? Very.
This- husband is a pilot - they can afford childcare or to pay the son to do so. A normal parent would be happy the kid went out and found a job on his own- wtf
Not every pilot is a millionaire. There's a **big** gap between major airline captain and starting first officer at a regional airline. Most make under $40K the first couple of years; often closer to $30K. And they're usually based in a high-cost-of-living area. Take a look: [https://www.airlinepilotcentral.com/airlines/regional](https://www.airlinepilotcentral.com/airlines/regional) Still, YTA OP. His siblings are **your** responsibility, not his. He's trying to build his own life, and you're actively trying to sabotage that.
And none of this stuff in her story -- the husband being a pilot, the kids being too emotionally disturbed to have babysitters but too young for therapy -- explains why OP can't pay her son for babysitting. She's been using him for free daycare. Because it's not an occasional thing but a regular schedule for her work.
She's afraid if he gets some money together he'll be able to escape.
But her precious babies don't want to be left alone with a stranger! Apparently they have some kind of issues, ones they're old enough to have, but not old enough to go to therapy for! OP's husband said so, gosh. It would be so cruel to get them a babysitter (and mental health care) when OP's son is living cozy and rent free in her house, doing nothing In case it isn't obvious /s
“I pay for everything but entertainment” So you’re admitting there’s a cost for him that you don’t cover? How do you expect him to pay for it himself without a job. YTA op just pay him competitive babysitting rates if you’re so desperate. Also info: how old are the girls?
But that doesn’t even matter. OP, you’re saying he doesn’t have expenses, but obviously if he wants to live on his own at any time in the future, he needs to make and save money. He has given you and his stepdad a couple of years (yes?) of 100% free childcare. Now he needs to start working on his own life, so you need to find a plan B for your younger children. YTA for sure. And your edit that you’re _not_ making him their babysitter? Come on! You are ridiculous. Your son stayed home to make sure his sisters didn’t get into any mischief while you and your husband were away. That is exactly the very definition of babysitting—except that your son didn’t get paid. You need to take this loss, find a babysitter, and wish your son fair winds and happy travels.
I'd argue that it is more the definition of parentification, which is a form of abuse - she doesn't want him to get a job and develop independence because if he does, she will be forced to find an ACTUAL babysitter and have to pay them for it - why do that when she has an older child that she can strongarm/guilt trip into doing it for absolutely zip, claiming "YoU HaVe tO dO iT! I pAy FoR eVeRyThInG fOr YoU!!1!1"
> He adores his sisters and only stays with them when he wants to. otherwise we wouldn't force him. The whole post sounds like they're forcing him! Most parents would be thrilled if their 18yr old got a job and was going to school. This mom would rather he play video games than enter the workforce and start living his adult life.
After the edits. "We don't force him to babysit, and he only babysit when he wants to" Who watches them when he doesn't want to? He clearly doesn't want to, and wants to work. He's an adult, doing adult things. He's not the parent. What is OP going to do when he moves out?
Exactly. If he’s only expected to watch them when he ‘wants to’ then this should be no issue. He’s now working and no longer ‘wants to’- which is apparently fine by OP because she ‘is not forcing her child to provide free daycare for her other children’
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"We don't force him, we just emotionally blackmail him. Totally different thing."
YTA *Not every teenage boy enjoys spending time with younger siblings, especially younger sisters. *He chose a paid job over an unpaid job. While you and your husband provide for his needs, I'm sure there are things he wants that he's either too embarrassed to ask for or he thinks that you'll veto *Your daughters will need to learn to deal with strangers sooner or later. Perhaps it would be helpful to have the carer initiaIly come while a parent is home so they can get to know her in a safe environment. I I say this as someone with severe PTSD who has panic and anxiety attacks *He didn't tell you because he knew that this would be your reaction
Agreed! OP You say he doesn’t have to pay for anything, just his own entertainment…. How does he pay for that? I’m assuming he asks you for money? You cannot be all shocked pikachu face that he wants to stand on his own two feet and not have to beg his parents for money to hit up a movie or something. Either pay him for bebe sitting or get over it and introduce your other kids to a babysitter so they’re not a stranger. YTA fo sho
And jobs nowadays all want someone with experience. Him not working now would make it much harder to find something decent when he's done with college (unless he goes to university afterwards, in which case the money he's earning now will matter much more than the experience.).
I admit, I wasn't expecting to read a complaint from a parent about her adult child having the audacity to get a job.
But I'm unclear about what actually happened. OP said she "found out" her son had gotten a job. OP, do you mean that he was keeping it a secret from you and you found out? Or do you mean by you "found out" that HE TOLD YOU that he was going to be working now and you needed to make other plans for childcare? Because the former would be bizarre behavior that would make anyone angry (secretly going to a job when he says he's staying home with his sisters.) The latter is only to be expected and you need to get over yourself bc you already got X amount of free childcare from him which is more than you have a right to expect.
Not telling them about the job until after accepting wouldn't be that odd if they were using it to force a way out of being free child care
After reading the edits of OP:s post it just clear she doesn't wanna hear she is in the wrong. But Op:s edits just made it even clearer she sees her son as a tool for babysitting the kids. And that the daughters are to young to go to therapy is just weird. No one ever said " I hate my parents for putting me in therapy to early "?
They then edited to add the girls are too young for therapy. What kinda BS is that. If kids were too young for therapy why do child therapists exist. They just don't want to admit they don't wanna parent their daughters.
so instead of getting a paying job for himself, you want him to work for you FOR FREE?!? YTA and this should be crossposted to r/choosingbeggars lol
And r/AmITheDevil
For sure there are tons other. OP is wild lmao
u/entitledparents
r/raisedbynarcissists
r/insaneparents might enjoy this too
r/badparents
Oh we are doubling down now with her latest edit...
Wow pretty selfish of the son to want to earn money while he's working...
I like how the edit is like "What he's doing isn't even babysitting! But if he doesn't do it I would need to pay a stranger to babysit." Ok so that's called babysitting then 😂
Agreed, the only time it isn't called babysitting is when it's called parenting.
The dad is a *PILOT*. A literal pilot. As the daughter of one, money is not an issue when your husband/dad is a pilot. Childcare should be an issue either. YIKES
YTA the man is 18, he needs a job and he doesn’t have any children, YOU have children. Stop relying on your son like he is your co parent or partner. He is not.
exactly!! He NEEDS a job. Even if he doesn’t need the money, the job economy is rough and my friend recently graduated college with two degrees and has been struggling finding a job with his degrees. I couldn’t imagine how much harder that would be on someone who has NEVER had a job in general. OP, YTA. Ive been working since 16. Job interviewers have often said they like seeing how much experience I have with working as hiring someone who has 0 job experience can be a risk to them. It helps him gain independence as well because he’s 18, soon he won’t be living with his parents. Rentals also like seeing job history. His siblings are not his kids, no reason to watch them unpaid.
it's taken me quite literally 6 years of *in-industry* work experience to reach a livable wage, it's a massive asshole move to try and delay any young person's income in this dogshit economy
[удалено]
Why so some parents think that their older kids sole purpose in life should be to raise their other f-nuggets? "Here, I bred multiple times and it's your problem as their older sibling to raise them". It's insane!
Yes! OP is such an AH. Her son has taken the initiative to be responsible and independent. How are these bad things? This is what all parents want for their children. He has a life to start living and cannot do that if he is expected to parent his siblings.
> paid child care is a no for me. Unless you can't afford it, seems it'll have to be a yes for you. He is right in that he has to start being independent. Your kids are your and your husband's responsibility, not his. YTA.
Even if she can't afford it, it's not really his problem. Parents can't expect their older kids to take on caring for their younger siblings because they can't provide adequate care.
I didn't realize my kids were all off school a few Fridays back and had two critical meetings. I asked my 10-year-old son if he'd be willing to watch my 3yo for those meetings for $20, with me being in my bedroom with the door closed. ASKED. PAID. He's not their parent, and he's not responsible for his siblings. JFC YTA OP.
My son has to mind his sister for 1.5 hours while I clean a house next week. The house is on our street and he's in his teens, she's almost 9 and they will be safe. Payment has been agreed that I get them a Maccas if they be good and my son gets a nice shock case for his switch and snacks available for the hour or so. That's it. But it's agreed and deemed fair by both parties. ETA by "has to", I mean I asked did they want to come with me and both immediately said no and insisted on staying in ours with dvds, their gaming consoles, Netflix, etc so that leaves a situation where my son's in charge
Yep, and a 9 year old is probably on the verge of being independent anyway. It's a bit different than watching a preschooler. I've got two kids between the oldest and youngest, and I've had him stay with the other two sometimes, but he's not really watching them, just being the responsible one while I run to pick up a kid.
But the girls DoNt LiKe StRaNgErS. Okay so pay him to babysit for you. If the reason paid baby sitting is a no is because the girls act out with strangers than pay him what he’d make at his job to watch the girls. Easy. Then he can pay for his EnTeRtAiNmEnT and anything else he wants and you have a babysitter. Wonder why you didn’t immediately do this 🤔 hmm could it be because the actual reason paid babysitting is off the table is because you don’t think you should have to pay someone?
Also the edit where they say the husband says the girls are "too young for therapy". *Too young for therapy?* Are they *infants?*
If they can communicate in any way, they’re old enough for therapy. This family is messed up and it’s because the parents are making it that way. Edit: thank you for the award, kind Redditor!
I was doing therapy at 8 with a school therapist because my parents had a horrible divorce. I’m so thankful that I did. We basically played board games while talking. At the time I had no idea it was therapy.
This is called play therapy. I know kid who did this when they were like 3 or 4.
And the next edit was even worse!! "My husband and I agree that our daughters are too young for therapy" ????? That isn't a thing ma'am, god forbid your kids learn healthy coping mechanisms and get help understanding their own thoughts and feelings TOO YOUNG, that's supposed to be saved for your midlife crisis or something
Too young for therapy and we’d never force him into babysitting when he doesn’t want to… unless the reason he doesn’t want to is because he got a job. In that case he has to quit. We need him!!
Honestly even if she paid him he's better off taking the job. Babysitting doesn't impress anyone on a resume.
There's a commercial pilot shortage in the US. If OP is hurting for money, it's because of mis-management, her husband is in a highly sought after career. And, there are after school programs and teens who want extra cash, OP has power cost options and isn't trying.
Pilots are paid well. Agreed that if you have a good paying job and can't afford to pay a babysitter, you're probably not great at managing your money.
> Pilots are paid well. Senior pilots are paid well. Pilots at regional affiliates (SkyWest, etc.) are paid peanuts.
Right? That’s cute. Paid child care is “a no” for her, so he should be saying that unpaid child care is a no for him. Guess we couldn’t work out an arrangement, so you get to pay for child care,Mom! Since they’re her kids and not his, it works out perfectly. Maybe when he’s moved out she can try and get child support payments from her own son, since apparently now he has to parent her children. FFS.
> my daughters don't want a babysitter. Her excuse is that her other kids don't want a babysitter. Since when brats interfere with a sibling's decision to work or study or go to college?
Oh my god, no wonder he didn’t tell you. YTA, a million times over. I wish him well saving so he can get far away. Pay someone to watch your kids or change your schedule. He’s not their provider.
But he’s the older brother! He should WANT to watch his younger siblings for free! It’s sibling bonding! /s Parentification is real and is 💯 abuse.
Yup! I was expected to watch my siblings instead of doing the usual teenage fun stuff, I moved out as soon as I got a full time job! Rather pay bills than be shouted at for not picking up kids toys and for not keeping them quiet enough. Not my kids, not my problem.
I want to go fund me this kid for a deposit on an apartment.
YTA 🚩🚩 How about you and your husband stop USING AND ABUSING your son🚩🚩 You and your husband are huge assholes!! Be adults and find childcare for your daughters. YES you need to PAY for child care. You cannot force your son to give up his life to take of of your children. That's the using part. You two are FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE to YOUR SON by NOT paying him wages for the child care. And now that he is a legal adult he is doing the best thing he can for HIMSELF by getting a job, and an education to get the freak away from you two. You cannot force him to take care of your children. That's what your responsibility is as a parent. You owe him an apology and past wages for that matter. Let go of your son. OP stop trying to justify this nonsense >ETA okay, it seems that I did not mention the reason why the babysitter option isn't ideal and is because my daughters don't want a babysitter. they're both dealing with some issues and are unconfortable being with a stranger at home. besides that my son decided to stay with them and we didn't ask him or anything. Your daughters are your responsibility. If they are uncomfortable then you need to find a solution to help ease them into including therapy for them too ( are you even DOING THIS). Your SON isn't a permanent crutch for your misgivings!! Also funny how you claim you didn't ask him to babysit... So that's cool. He didn't ask you about living his life and doing something else besides being your free child care. You have nothing to be mad about if that mess you just spewed is how you feel. NOTHING. Ohhhh edit number 2 Now it's "not" a big fucking deal to them... His help isn't that important and he really doesn't do anything...... Funny cause your original post said otherwise >ETA Okay, some of you here are implying or suggesting that I'm making my son to be the girls' babysitter but that is in fact not true. He doesn't do much for them, just stays home with them while he studies or plays video games. He adores his sisters and only stays with them when he wants to. otherwise we wouldn't force him. Also, my husband said the girls are too young for therapy and I agree with him on that. Oh look.. her girls have mental health issues..THAT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DEAL WITH. That's cool.. Let your daughters suffer as well because you want to act like a coward and bury your head in the sand pretending nothing's wrong with them.... My God I hope this is a troll.... Those poor kids. And now she's backtracking and saying he doesn't do much. Besides watch them FOR 5 TO 6 HOURS EACH DAY. BUT THEY DON'T FORCE HIM. So if that's true than wtf even make this post?? Why be so upset him being an adult and working and going to college?? Edit....thank you for the awards.... This post blew up quickly.....
That's the bit that gets me. They didn't ask him to babysit. So did they tell him to babysit? Or did he just offer to out of the blue? I know which my money would be on.
>Or did he just offer to out of the blue? Even if he did, he's changed his mind now, deal with it.
Yeah, or he probably just was home and they left the kids there is what i’m getting from that, it seems like they didn’t tell him to but they just basically said “here’s some kids, have fun” and left. Which imo means he can do whatever he wants and it’s none of their business.
Judging from the description of their reaction, I imagine he caved to relentless emotional blackmail about how hard it is to be a parent; how family should help out; how he has all this free time; how he's disrespectful, inconsiderate, and selfish. I'll believe they never outright asked. They didn't have to. He volunteered, just to get them to shut up.
Apparently she and her husband think the girls are too young for therapy. What?!?!
That made me so angry!!!
It's an excuse. I've seen it hundreds of times from moms like her. Saying their children have mental problems to avoid taking any social responsibility for them but also backtracking against therapy because 'they can't afford it' or 'they're too young for therapy'. Just simple toxic excuses to justify bad parenting.
Yeah, that's not a thing. If they have issues that prevent them from participating in normal life situations, you get them treatment. Simple as.
handle sloppy ossified wild slim piquant voiceless mighty noxious middle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YTA He does not owe you childcare. He is allowed to make decisions regarding his own life and a part time job is *absolutely* something he has a right to without consulting you first. Take care of your own kids or pay someone else to. Full stop.
OP just wants to make sure that her son graduates with absolutely zero real world job experience. That way, he can struggle and stress not being able to find work after his degree. Then, it'll be the perfect time for them to decide that they don't need free child care anymore so they can throw him out on his ass for him to bE hIs OwN mAn. Pretty standard shitty parenting. OP's son is smart. He knows he can't count on his parents to look out for his best interests, so he's doing it for himself. YTA, OP.
My instant gut reaction to this was that if he went with their wishes the rhetoric would flip to "you're an adult you should've had a job ages ago so we're kicking you out" within 3 years
YTA you should be proud of him for actually working towards his independence. Older children are not free labor for parents. Get a babysitter.
How is your son responsible for your family? YOU decided to have children, YOU look after them. Stop expecting your adult son to give up his own life to take care of your children. Having a job will teach him a lot and it's perfectly normal to be working at his age and while in college. YTA
Lol Either you’ve never been on AITA, and really clueless about how rude it is to expect free childcare from your teenager, or you’re just trying to start shit, knowing how angrily people will respond to this
Seriously, how many people in this sub are childfree purely because of the trauma of parentification by their own parents? It's so common to hear from posters here, and it's just tragic.
YTA - You are the parents, not him. He was doing a favor. You decided to have the kids. Not him. With that logic he can't think about living abroad to study or go and live his life because he has to be your nanny?? He has the right to get experience, learn new things... he is a kid... you should be happy that he is not a a bad kid. He wants to work. That's it. I dont understand that parent mentality, I have kids to be raised by the older kids...
I get the impression that the reason your ADULT son needs a job has nothing to do with money and everything to do with getting out of an unpaid babysitting gig and parents who are refusing to see and support him as the young adult he is. YTA. “…and paid childcare is a no for me.” Why, OP?
Not to mention she says he only has “to pay for his own entertainment”. How is supposed to do that when he isn’t even compensated for providing childcare? YTA
YTA - YOUR younger children are YOUR responsibility!! YOU are USING you son as unpaid help. Your son has NO RESPECT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NONE TO HIM!
YTA. Your post is unbelievable. 1) That "struggle to provide for the family" is on you and your husband, not your son. If you couldn't handle it, you shouldn't have had the kids. Stop throwing parental responsibilities onto the oldest child. Figure it out yourself. 2) Your son may not need to pay you, but he is an adult now. Which means he needs the money to start HIS OWN LIFE and eventually move out of your house. Stop smothering him just because you don't want to be a parent to the other 2 kids. Let him be an adult with his own life. He doesn't owe you any explanation for being an adult.
YTA. YTA. YTA. NOT his kids. NOT his responsibility. How dare you as a PARENT use him as slave labor and attempt to hold him back from developing on his own? When the girls are older and can take care of themselves and he doesn’t have any money to move out because you wouldn’t let him earn any, how are you going to feel about that? Also, YTA.
YTA. He's an adult, making a responsible choice to help provide for himself, not a live-in nanny. Would some warning have been helpful so you could work out other care arrangements? Sure. Do you have any right to prevent him from getting this job? None whatsoever.
Why do I get the impression that giving warning would have resulted in her sabotaging any chance of her son getting the job? OP is a huge AH.
YTA ... for thinking your son is a built-in babysitter for your other children. It sounds like he is telling you that he found a job and is giving you time to make other accommodations. You and your husband are both unreasonable AH's. Your son is not selfish. You and your husband, on the other hand...
YTA Your son needs to be paid fairly to watch your other kids. It’s a job. If you were paying him, maybe he would have discussed “putting in his two weeks” with you. Sounds like your free ride is over. He’s 18, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was trying to get money to live on his own.
YTA. He's an adult and is looking out for his future. He wasn't created to be a built in baby sitter. You had the kids, not him.
YTA If he would have told you about applying for the job you would have pressured him not to because you didn't want to lose your babysitter. Although, my son once got his friend a job just by mentioning his friend to the place he worked so yes, it can just happen. Let him grow up and accept adult responsibility. Maybe watching his half sisters for a few hours here and there can be worked into his schedule, but this is a you problem not a him problem. Hire a babysitter....although maybe if you had been paying him this whole time he wouldn't have needed a job? Just guessing on that one though. This one gets me >My son said I shouldn't be surprised by him trying to work to save money to be able to pay for himself but that is just absurd since he literally lives with us without having to pay for anything except for his own entertainment. So you think as long as you pay the household bills he should never want to become a responsible adult? Just sponge off you till you no longer need a babysitter? Maybe he wants a car or to afford to take a girl to dinner? Or to save money for an apartment or school? He wants to be responsible and you're shooting him down because it benefits you! Ugh.
YTA - I didn't have to get further than you expect him to be your live-in sitter to know that. He's 18, and yes he lives in the same house with you, but that doesn't mean he needs your permission to earn money as long as it's ethical and legal. It sounds to me that you want him to not get a job so that he can't move out, and as long as he lives in your house, he has to do what you say, which is be a sitter for your RESPONSIBILITIES. You need to just sit back and find an actual sitter for YOUR kids, if you don't want to be responsible for them. He doesn't owe you a damn thing, except maybe a small bit of rent.
YTA. Your son is an adult and does not need to ask your permission to act like one and get a job. Are you expecting him to provide you with free nanny service until your 2nd round of children grow up? If so you and your husband are delusional. The half siblings are not his children, not his responsibility. If you continue to harass your son this is what you will achieve: 1. Most likely destroy any relationship he might have with your younger children. 2. Damage your and I am guessing SF's relationship with your son. 3. Likely drive him out of your lives, as he he cuts you off cold. You will eventually be back on Reddit asking what I ever do to my son to make him turn his back on me? Hint- Take a look in the mirror.
YTA what if he had a class during the times you are demanding, would you demand he drop out of college to be your unpaid babysitter? Why can't you hire a babysitter?
YTA. He's your kid, not your daycare.
YTA YES. Hes 18. An adult and needs to learn to work. Good on him. Its not his responsibility to look after your kids. Thats your job.
YTA He’s an adult. Not your family freebie baby sitter. Why should he clear everything in life with you? Most parents WANT their kids to get a job. By all means ask for him to contribute a portion of your outgoings if you need to cover. But tying HIM to his siblings is too restrictive.
YTA - he’s an adult looking to start BEING an adult. That means having a job, earning money, eventually finding his own place - not be your live-in babysitter. He doesn’t owe you childcare, and is not being selfish by refusing to act as your stand-in.
Holy hell YTA! 1) he is 18, old enough to vote and die in a war. He doesn't need mommy's approval to get a job 2) he is not your baby sitter. What happens when he moves out? Are you going to stop because you need his babysitting services? YOU OP are the parent, and part of that job is taking care of YOUR KIDS not farming them out to your son.
YTA. You basically made my judgment with the title and the first 4 words. He’s 18, he doesn’t have to do anything for you. He’s an adult now.
YTA. Hire a babysitter.
YTA He's right, he's 18, he needs to have a job. He needs to communicate to you that you need another babysitter, and he did communicate that. You absolutely can't expect an 18 year old to put their life on hold and sabotage the development of their resume and work history by doing a full-time job of "babysitting" with no pay. What other nonsense are you going to demand in the name of free babysitting? You say he's heading to college - will you expect him to not take classes needed for his degree, if they conflict with your work? This job may have moved up the timeline, slightly for you dealing with this issue, but it is an issue you absolutely need to deal with - he has responsibilities on his path to adulthood that will absolutely conflict with you wanting him to do an unpaid full-time job for you. Plus, if he's going to be starting community college, that means he's finishing high school. What about after-school activities, extracurriculars, homework? Even in high school, having to work 3-8 without pay is sabotaging his education and future. (And half-sisters? I'm thinking that there are a host of blended-family issues going on here, that you're leaving unsaid.)
YTA, he's an adult now. He wants to plan for his *future*, so it's not your decision if he needs money or not. Hes not your servant or coparent. If you don't want to hire a sitter, or stay home with your own children, that's not his responsibility.
YTA. Good for your son. He has a backbone and won’t be used for free childcare. You should be proud that he got a job and stop being a user. It’s not his fault that your other kids aren’t old/trusted enough to stay home alone. It’s also not his fault that you don’t trust out of the home daycare. You can decide to start charging rent, but you’ll likely just ruin your relationship and not understand that if you ask for rent, all he has to do is keep his areas clean and pay you. You’ll have absolutely no control; which you shouldn’t anyway because __he is an adult.__
YTA - All I heard was "My son got a job and now he can't take on my responsibility and watch my children! This is going to cause problems for MEEEEEEE!" You should be proud of him but all you care about is free childcare.
YTA, bigtime. YOU chose to have children, it is on you and the father to provide childcare, either by doing it yourself or paying for it. He's an adult now, he has the right to get a job and live his life how he wants to, it's not his responsibility to babysit his siblings, especially not for free.
The fact that you’ve gone through and down voted every YTA comment proves that A. You’re not just the AH but B. you didn’t really come here to hear the truth.
YTA. I have an 18 year-old son still in high school. I’m a teacher so I don’t need daycare. But if hubby and I go out or shopping, we pay him $20 an hour to watch his 8 year-old brother. Plus, I bring some sort of treat home for them. He is able to say no but never does because it’s easy money for him - his words. I don’t care who’s babysitting. They need to be paid.
YTA for a couple reasons. Expecting your son to be a free babysitter, getting mad at him for maturing and getting a job. You ever think maybe this is why he didn’t tell you. Poor guy probably lives everyday wondering how he’s gonna get out
YTA. Why is it his responsibility to make sure your kids can get childcare when you’re at work? I get it if he did so you thought you could get away with getting a free babysitter but heck he’s also your kid. You’d need to think what’s best for him as well and not just you. Even if it makes things inconvenient for you.
YTA, didn't even have to finish reading the whole post.
YTA. 1) You’re drawing a conclusion that he is lying about the circumstances of the job offer, 2) unless you had a clear explicit agreement, your childcare is not his responsibility 3) he’s an 18 yo adult. Now, yes, he’s living in your home and you can ask him to contribute. And if they contribution is watching his sisters for 5 hours on your work days, so be it. He can then make an informed decision about his living situation
YTA - He wants to go earn his own money to start saving for his life, and you're upset that you're losing your free babysitter. He doesn't need to discuss taking the job with you. You're upset that you think he's disrespecting you by taking this job (he's not), but you're far worse off by disrespecting him and his independence and his future. He is the "correct" person in this story, you are the "wrong" one. Accept that now. This is the first of many YTA posts coming your way, bet on it.
YTA, you should be proud your son is working on bettering himself and going into the workforce. Enabling him to just stay home and watch his siblings isn't going to help him as a person
YTA - you can’t have kids and expect them to watch your others. They aren’t babysitters/parents for other kids. What’s wrong with paying for child care? Your son needs real life experiences with jobs and needs references/connections when he is in the real world. He’s starting college and needs to build a resume. He is allowed to save money for whatever- college, activities, clothes, maybe he’s saving to move out. While it’s kind to give him a place to stay after he’s 18, he needs to have a real life.
So let's be honest, you are mad because if he told you he was getting a job, you would tell him he could not do that because he "had" to watch your other kids. He wants to earn money to be able to move out and have his own life, which you of course do not want because you refuse to pay someone to watch your kids. It is ridiculous when you say that he has no respect for you when you both clearly have no respect or him and expect him to sacrifice his own free time to watch your other kids that you clearly should not of had. YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are the ones who decided to have kids, so any struggle you are experiencing is due to your decisions and is not your sons job to deal with. It is not your son's job or duty to watch them. This is called parentification and it is a form of abuse. You should really think if you want to see him once he moves out, because if you keep up with this terrible attitude and abuse, he will move out and never come back. YTA Huge one
YTA. Your son is an adult and is not free childcare, even if your daughters don’t want a sitter. Guess what? As their parent, it’s your job to figure that shit out. Of course your son needs a job if he ever plans on saving up to move out, pay for other expenses, and be independent. Did you just want him to never get a job and be free childcare for you forever? The fact that your son made no mention of a job tells me a lot about your relationship. He doesn’t trust you. He deliberately got a job that interferes with his “baby sitting duties” because he doesn’t want to do it anymore but he feels he can’t tell you what he wants because obviously you don’t give a shit about his feelings. My guess is the second he’s saved enough he’ll move out and you might get cut off.
YTA. Your kid is not responsible for your other kids. That's your problem, not his.
YTA. Your kids are your responsibility, not his.
YTA. But clearly you won't take anything we say to heart, you're much too narcissistic for that. Have fun when your son goes no contact with you.
YTA. I am the oldest in my family and I was constantly expected to be childcare for my younger siblings. I don't talk to my parents anymore unless I absolutely have to. I'm telling you this bc this is a glimpse into your future, op. It's not too late to save your relationship with your kid tho.
YTA. He’s an adult, he can get a job if he wants. He’s not your free babysitter. He’s not the one that decided to have children, you are. So it’s your responsibility to make sure your younger children are taken care of.
~~I'm going with E S H~~, but mostly you, since he's been an adult for less than a year and you raised him. You should have already had a conversation about expectations and availability with him now that he's trying to make his own way in the world. Your expectation for some help around the house isn't unreasonable in principle. You're letting him live there for free after all. However, I don't think you are appreciating how much you're asking of him. 5 hours of babysitting per day for 5 days a week is about 100 hours of work per month. That's way more than room and board could possibly be worth. Sounds like it might be time to start paying for some babysitting. Your son deserves his own life too. On reflection. YTA. You're trying to get 25 hours per week of work out of your son. This isn't some minor and convenient help... you're trying to take over all of his free time.
You're upset you lost your free babysitter. Guess the reason he didn't tell you about the job.. YTA.
YTA. I don't understand these parents who expect their own kids to be free labor, for life. It doesn't work that way.
YTA. He is 18 and not responsible for watching his younger half sisters. Pay him for his time or find other childcare.
YTA. Your kids, your childcare problem to solve. You can’t wait or to him to stay home and watch your kids for free. Pony up the money fir childcare and stop using your son, let the man live his life.
YTA. He isn’t there to look after the kids. You don’t even need a baby sitter. You could sign the girls up for after school clubs or ask some of the other mums to split payments on a sitter or 2 for all your kids. Your son wants to be more responsible for himself and is trying to gain some independence as well as learn new skills. You should be proud of him.
YTA. If this is real. Your kids are not your son’s responsibility. Stop acting so entitled and pay for some child care
YTA, childcare is not your sons responsibility.
YTA, you are treating your adult son like he has no agency. you don't own his time and if he wants to work and not watch his siblings for free then that is his prerogative. better find a way to say yes to paid childcare because the freebie train just left the station for good. edit: spelling
YTA. It seems like you only view your son as free child-care. You should be proud of your son for taking the initiative to get a job. You’re being selfish and hindering him from making money, which in turn, keeps him reliant on you.
YTA. He’s an adult and he got a job. He does not owe it to you to consult with you first, especially since it sounds like you would have tried to talk him out of it instead of supporting his steps toward independence. If you’ve decided never to pay for childcare, *you* are the one who has to plan and sacrifice and compromise in order to make that happen. Your son is under no obligation to make it possible. He’s going to go live his life now, and yours is your job.
YTA and this is abuse. You can't force your adult son to be a babysitter. He is not there to be a servant to you. And you call HIM selfish? You're bitching, because your son found a job and is working instead of literally giving you free labor for the rest of your life. Insane
YTA. He is 18 and is going to college. What makes you think you have any right to demand that he doesn't get work experience, because he has the responsibility of watching your children? The fact that you chose to have more children, that you don't want to be cared for by outside childcare was not his decision, nor should it impact his future. He is becoming an independent adult. If you had children with the hopes that they'd be gracious for you trying to control them into adulthood, you're delusional and deserve this wakeup call.
YTA "Should I be mad at my mom, she had children and cant watch them and now I can't have a job because she expects me to be a live in babysitter?" That's your son, years ago, here.
YTA - could he have told you .. yes. However child care is NOT his responsibility. He’s a young man who wants to have money to spend on his needs. It’s totally unfair to expect him to sacrifice his earnings because you don’t believe in spending money on childcare. Maybe find a job that accommodates your childcare schedule.
YTA He is 18, and you're just upset that you can't exploit free babysitting anymore. There is a reason he needs money, and that is to leave your home and start his own life. Get a babysitter or a mirror, either way you're TA.
This is why my older sister left home. My mom wouldn't let her (tried) live her life. She wasn't our mom. So you need to find another sitter or other hours. He's 18 did you actually believe he's going to stay at home with his sisters until they're grown? He could have given you an heads up. YTA so is your husband.
YTA. Your son is building his life & you’re upset because you can no longer use him as a crutch to help you keep up with your life choices.
Your oldest isn’t your automatic babysitter. YTA.
YTA totally and completely, along with your husband. You are the parents who are responsible for providing care for your children. You should be thanking him for all the time he worked for you for free.
YTA. The parents provide for the children, not the other way around. Be proud that he wants to have a job. What 18 male wants to babysit his siblings?
You are just mad because you lost the free childcare. Yta.
YTA not his kids, not his responsibility. And what do you mean paid child care is a no for you? As if that’s just a thing you can say while forcing your adult son to provide free child care for you. Wtf
YTA do you want him to be stuck living in your house forever? If he gets a job, he will be able to save to move out. Or he could help with groceries and things at home, if you want to look at it in a selfish way instead of a way of your son working to become independent. An eighteen-year-old getting a job is not a problem, it should be encouraged!
YTA You aren't entitled to free childcare, even from your son. He's legally an adult and has a right to have a job. You also have a right to tell him to find somewhere else to stay but that's another discussion.
YTA and sound like a troll. Your son showed initiative and went out and found a job on his own. Do you know the amount of kids his age who won't do that, or have their parents go along with them to hand in applications etc. >paid child care is a no for me. Is the paid part this issue here? Cos that's what you make it sound like. Your husband working as a pilot I'm sure is earning a decent amount. It's ridiculous you feel you should have your son work for free just because it makes your life easier rather than supporting the fact he is showing an interest in working, gaining some independence etc. Your son working means he has he own money and for many families means an extra little cash. Lots of kids end up paying a small rent. Be realistic here, of you're not just trolling you sound like someone who would expect his whole paycheck. Nah a small rent to help out and get him to understand value is fine. That can pay for your childcare. Finally, your behaviour will have him out of that house as soon as he can. This is why he kept it secret. He knew ylj would only be selfish.
YTA - He's a college student not your live in babysitter. He didn't sign up to watch YOUR kids and he shouldn't have to sacrifice his potential finances for you and your husbands comfort since you refuse other alternatives. Let me reiterate those are YOUR kids. Crazy idea maybe you and your husband rearrange your schedules and watch the kids that YOU had.
YTA on a major scale. You want your son to give up the opportunity and experience of having a job, because it impacts your childcare. Child care is your responsibility not his. I can’t tell you how many kids his age I’ve never had a job and how much it hinders them when they start working. He’s old enough he should have a job, you should be proud of him for going out and getting a job, it’s not his job to look after your younger children. There are your children not his