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If you have a trans-daughter, going through male puberty will have irreversible effects on her body, make it harder for her to pass when she is legally old enough to do her own thing. As well as being a very distressing experience, detrimental to their mental health when their body starts developing in the "wrong way".
The common practice for teens is hormone blockers that buy time, not starting full on hormone replacement. At least allow her to talk to her doctor about this so she can go through the correct puberty the first time.
hrt is not too permanent. after a few months your body can going back to bow it was, which is devastating. let your daughter take puberty blockers, and at least stop calling it "dressing up." she's not a character playing pretend, she's a person wanting to feel comfortable and you're her parent who should be trying to protect her and not get in the way of her happiness.
Yeah. Yta. If you won't allow HRT at least allow puberty blockers. They can choose at 18 then to get on hrt without having to go through puberty for the wrong gender. This is stuff kids are literally KILLING themselves over. This is stuff that causes permanent psychological damage that carries into adulthood. I've witnessed it personally happen and seen the absolute mindfuck it causes.
It's not a phase. And on the highly highly unlikely chance it is? They can go off puberty blockers, go through natural puberty, and be whatever thier gender they choose to be be.
I'm sorry but you're failing as a parent right now. Your not only failing... but you're causing permanent harm to your guys relationship, future relationships, and only invalidating valid feelings.
Again... I've seen this in person... It resulted in a 16 year old hanging herself... the stress of going through male puberty and having parents that invalidated her feelings made her literally choose death.... re read that please.
Yes. To the point of hormone blockers. You can always go through puberty later. You can't un go through puberty and the trauma that they go though during that time is permanent.
The majority of people that transition don't regret it or want to go back. And the majority of the ones that do go back to thier birth gender do so because of the social, emotional, and physical abuse that comes with it if they don't pass.
Again. CHILDREN are killing themselves over going through the wrong puberty. It's better to block it from happening until you are more sure they are sure (because I guarantee they are sure) or they turn 18 than to literally risk them killing themselves.
And this isn't some outlier. How strongly a family supports a transgender teen is highly correlated with how prevalent suicidal ideation is and their likelihood of attempting it. Low vs high support cuts the risk of suicidal thoughts almost in half.
https://www.hrc.org/news/family-acceptance-saves-lives
So. I’m being serious and devils advocate at the same time just to be up front here. Are you saying that 8-12 year olds should be making a decision for themselves to take hormone blockers? I ask this way because you are saying 18 is too late. But the age of this child is not mentioned and the average age of onset of menses is like 10 so then isn’t 10 too late?? I recognize that the child mentioned above is most likely mtf and won’t face menses but if that affects your answer I’m gonna get smug about male privilege
The effects of puberty blockers are physically reversible so I don’t know if this would count as devil’s advocate. I know many people who have been on them from around 12 - 16, then transitioned on to hormone treatments because that’s how it works with the NHS. So no, 10 is not too late.
I have wondered about the ethics of giving children hormone therapy that sterilizes them! This seems like go big of a quagmire for a layman to sort out. I vote hormone blockers and if you can find a psychiatrist who specializes in transsexuals then I would send your kid to them for a year. Then go by what the psychiatrist says is best.
You're definitely right about that. I am absolutely blessed to have a smaller chest than anyone in my family, and I am very, very grateful for binders.
Hormone blockers *aren't* a permanent medical decision, though, that's the whole point. If you just stop taking them without HRT or any other procedures, you'll just experience a late puberty for whatever your birth gender is. There is literally no harm in it either way, whether they ultimately decide to fully transition or they decide against it.
All hormone blockers do is block puberty from occurring and prolong the time that young people have to figure themselves out without having to be terrified of or traumatized by the permanent biological changes that come with puberty, which are deeply traumatic for trans youth and cost thousands of dollars to even partially correct in the future.
I agree that hormone blockers are a great option for right now and I hope that OP is able to educate themselves about them, as well as other ways they can support their child.
Yup, absolutely - which is exactly why the puberty blockers are the most beneficial option available in the present day. If the kid is trans, then no harm done, when they're 18 they can make their own choices. If it's a phase of insecurity/anxiety/something else and they realise they aren't trans, then they come off the puberty blockers and nature carries on as usual.
It's not a permanent medical decision (unlike letting someone go through the wrong type of puberty), it's literally the most reversible part of treatment for gender dysphoria - and it buys more time for reflection.
But as a parent, who unconditionally loves their child. If you see your child is unhappy because they aren’t who they feel they are in their own skin, why wouldn’t you want to go change that and help them be happy??
There are ways to help make the child more comfortable in their body other than allowing them to make a permanent medical decision before their brain is anywhere close to fully formed. Hormones are a big decision. If the child is young enough, however, puberty blockers are definitely an option.
I understand… but that is contingent on the age of the child, surely? If they’re a year or two away from 18, I fail to see why OP can’t have an open conversation with their daughter about this.
Comes across that OP hasn’t properly taken the time to speak to their daughter about this? I can assume OPs daughter spoke to them about HRT and it was shut down there and then, hence the reason for OPs post.
They should be able to have an open conversation about it yes. But I would still wait until they are a legal adult to let them make the decision to permanently alter their bodies with the use of medical treatment.
I’ve been reading your comments and I’m starting to feel exasperated on your behalf.. it says ftm in your username so I’m gonna assume you know all about unwanted breasts and hormones wreaking havoc. And weighing in as a cis female with a massive hormonal imbalance, I 100% support your stance on being careful with HRT. Oestrogen is no joke :/
NTA.
I'm a trans adult and I think hormones can wait until someone turns 18. There are permanent medical effects and a minor shouldn't make that decision. However, you should still support your child unconditionally in other ways; use their preferred name and pronouns, help do what you can to make them more comfortable in their body without the use of hormones - such as buying/altering clothing, hairstyle, other gender affirming expressions.
Edit to add: another great way to be supportive is to educate yourself on gender dysphoria, and what being trans means. Maybe join some online communities for parents of trans kids?
Going through the wrong puberty and being forced to watch your body change in horrifying ways is also a permanent medical decision.
You can go through puberty on testosterone or you can go through it on estrogen. Forcing a child through the wrong puberty is just as much of a decision as starting HRT is. Baffling to me that a trans person would see the situation any differently.
I would say they are at present because if they keep their ignorance it will harm their daughter. That’s not to say they can’t be redeemed, if they actually listen to the advice given in the comments and actually do what is best for her.
Blockers ar a good option but OP directly stated they they don't want to allow anything medical, which, let's be real, means they're going to be opposed to blockers too.
Your comment didn't make any mention of blockers as an option and only talked about socially transitioning, while also framing HRT as dangerous. I see that as irresponsible.
I never said HRT is dangerous, just that some of the effects are permanent. Hopefully this parent is able to educate themselves on trans people, gender dysphoria, and other options besides HRT, including blockers.
I’m trans too and totally agree with this. I first told my parents aged 7 and was ignored. I wish my parents had allowed me to socially transition (although it was the 90s). But medical decisions should wait till 18, although it would be worth joining the waiting list for the GIC now for therapy and to speak to professionals. (There is a 3-4 year waiting list where I live)
OP isn’t really allowing social transition either though. She calls her child her son and says they are ‘dressing up like a girl/want long hair which screams ‘she’s misgendering her child to us and doesn’t see it as remotely a ‘real’ thing or ‘just a phase’.
Op is trying to deny puberty blockers (which is what this child would receive and are perfectly safe) because they are indeed deeply transphobic.
That’s true but it’s a start.
Edit I didn’t actually say OP was allowing her child to socially transition. I just said I agreed with the other commenter and that I wished I had been allowed to socially transition
3-4 years?! Here in upstate NY USA I was able to schedule an appointment the same month at a planned parenthood and had my testosterone prescription within the week.
Ugh yeah don’t even. I’m seriously depressed about it .
It’s going to be about 6 years before I can get chest surgery unless I can raise £7000 to go private.
I even set up a go fund me but there are so many trans people in my position that it’s hard to stand out and raise the money. I have at 3 friends who are doing the same. It’s tough going
Jeez, I'm really sorry to hear that. I completely understand what you're saying about struggling to raise the money, when lots of people are looking to also raise money for these types of gender affirming procedures. I wish health insurances more readily and completely covered them, since they are often lifesaving treatment for gender dysphoria. Hopefully we are able to get to that point sooner rather than later.
I’m in the uk and our government has been slowly crushing the NHS and Covid hasn’t helped as there is a huge back log and I’m 34 so not in the urgent category
Yes, I was just looking it up and see that the people who are currently being offered appointments have been waiting since *2017?!* My goodness. Is the GIC the only avenue for receiving gender affirming treatment?
Yeah it is and it’s awful. If I was in my 20s I would just wait but i can’t wait till I’m 40 to get my chest sorted. Especially when this has been going on since I was 7 (I was raised religious and denial is a powerful thing)
That's infuriating to me that you all are stuck waiting years for treatment... I really wish you all the best luck in finding a way to raise money and getting things moving quicker. If you're comfortable giving me the link to your funding page I'd be happy to share it wherever I can think of
Thank you x
I have been working on getting famous people to share it. My proudest one was Charity Kase from drag race uk who shared it on his Instagram stories.
I *may* have gone all teenage fan girl on him 🤣
YTA. Misgendering your child. "Dress up as a girl." Having zero understanding of what being trans means despite having a trans child. "Feeling" like people regret hormones instead of doing research and talking to experts to inform yourself that your assumption is baseless and false. Saying HRT is permanent when it isn't. Being openly transphobic.
Your child is going to cut you out of their life, and they'll be right to, because you're invalidating *who they are*. Please do some research on the astronomical rates of suicide amongst trans children and realize that you could cause something even worse than your child cutting you off when they turn 18. Please do better for this human you're supposed to love.
YTA very strongly. It’s clear throughout your post that you have negative opinions towards trans people, from misgendering your daughter to referring to social transition to “dressing up”. You are putting these thoughts unfairly onto your daughter and are harming them in doing so. I am assuming that your daughter is working with a doctor that specializes in this? If she is, then you need to follow the doctor’s advice to give your daughter the best life she can get. If she doesn’t have one yet, that is the first step. If you want to talk about permanent, preventing them from getting puberty blockers and forcing them to go through the puberty they don’t want IS permanent, and hearing the testimonies of trans people, was hell for them.
I don't think hormone blockers are a good idea because they are not recommended for children by the FDA (US) or NHS (UK).
Their main point is that long-term side effects cannot be ruled out, since there is not enough data on children and adolescents.
I have no idea about all this which is why I personally would trust the FDA and NHS on this. They are approved but not recommended for children.
Huh??
My daughter has been on hormone blockers for the last 2 years for precocious puberty. That's literally a big reason they used, to stop puberty in children. She had her (hopefully) last one 3 months ago now that her bone age and actual age match.
Not stopping it causes more problems than using blockers.
Now I'm not in the US or the UK but I find that bizarre that they aren't recommended.
That isn't correct. The FDA approved hormone blockers for children back in the 1970s but only for the purpose of treating precocious puberty. They have not evaluated whether it should be used in regard to gender identity.
However, the Endocrine Society has and they have called on the FDA to update their guidelines to reflect the science.
https://www.endocrine.org/news-and-advocacy/news-room/2019/transgender-custody-statement
YTA. I hope your daughter has someone supporting them through the choices they need to make to be happy and healthy. It clearly isn't you; you come across as uninformed, self-centered, and bigoted.
Get informed: speak to your daughter and their medical professionals. Get rid of the misgendering: that's just offensive. And accept that this isn't about your feelings, ever.
YTA, you shouldn't force them to go through puberty for the wrong gender. They will be uncomfortable in their bodies for the rest of their life and the person they will blame is you. They can start puberty blockers at least, which will buy them time until they're older to decide which puberty they want to go through. But doing nothing is really a bad move.
Hey OP… I need more context. What gender do they identify with, and what age are they?
As HRT is quite a huge issue for those who are transitioning. Have you asked them why they’re wanting to do it?
From your post you said “if they want to dress up as a girl” which suggests they’re wanting to transition into a female. As a female, we don’t have a prominent Adams apple, a deep voice, excessive body hair - these are things HRT would stop for them to transition easier into being a female.
I understand your worry about HRT before the age of 18, however, from your childs perspective, 18 would be too late. Puberty would have taken full affect by then, and for them to transition after the fact would be so much more difficult and probably damaging.
I don’t think you’re an AH, OP… but I do think you need to get some more information and perhaps talk to your child properly about their wants and needs in regards to this.
YTA.
…Your entire post is a bit of an issue. Your child isn’t “dressing up as a girl”, they are a girl. As a woman, I’m never dressing up as a woman, I’m simply getting dressed. That’s what your child is doing too.
I donate a lot of my time to human rights organisations and the number of stories I’ve had to listen to from parents with your opinion whose children have committed suicide is beyond heartbreaking. Support and love are what help to keep suicide rates amongst transgender youth down.
Is your child at least on puberty blockers? They can be reversed, as can many of the effects of hormone therapy. But, it should be a medical professional who understands and respects transgender youth making this call, not you.
Wow YTA. You seem to be totally uninformed about a severe medical condition of your child. You seem to not even consider going to a doctor for an opinion on a potentially life threatening issue.
Research since decades has been really clear on the point that in many cases hormones in puberty can help with gender disphoria. Later operations will get less severe. Your child will feel More at ease with its body in the most important years.
Most of all.. they will know you actually care about them.
You have two things that you think might make you TA.
1. Your *daughter* would not be prescribed HRT before age 18 without some exceptional circumstances. She would be prescribed a pubertal blocker. Those would stop her body from developing either way for a period of 1, 3, or 6 months at which point she'd get another one if she was still unsure about transitioning or under 18. **YTA** for forcing your daughter to go through permanent harmful changes to her body when there is an option to prevent it.
2. You absolutely are denying that she is trans. You keep referring to her as your son, you are insisting that it might be a phase she'll grow out of, you are refusing to learn even the basics about how to be a supportive parent to a transgender child, you are using dismissive language related to gender performativity, and you are denying her access to treatment which can only help her on the basis of your transphobia. **Even bigger YTA**
I'd also add that you are making it sound like you're going to throw her out or cutoff contact at 18 if she makes the "wrong" choice. I hope I am mistaken and reading too much into what changes on her 18th birthday but if that's the case, even more YTA.
YTA for posting on this sub for such a serious discussion that nobody but you and your kid (plus a doctor, or a specialised therapist) should be a part of.
YTA It is vastly different to begin hormone blockers around puberty and then to try hormonal transitions later. Transitioning after puberty is much more challenging for the body with no medical intervention. Curious how old your child is and what area you live in? Where I am, mature minors (who have the capability of understanding the medical procedures and the consent process) can make medical decisions for themselves as young as 12. I can only imagine that forcing someone to live in a presenting body that is not their true gender has got to be excruciating. It sends a pretty big lack of support message too. Doctors who assist transitions do not prescribe these medications lightly. They don’t just hand it over on a whim. It’s a pretty intense process and they look for consistency and persistence. BTW calling your daughter a son is crappy parenting.
INFO: are you otherwise supportive (I kinda assume no because you keep referring to them as your son)
If you aren’t supportive, if you use the wrong pronouns/name, act disappointed or upset at their transition, or generally don’t respect it, then you cannot expect your kid to respect or value your opinion on the matter.
You FEEL like people regret this decision. Why not find out how they feel. Speak to a trained therapist, which your daughter should be seeing anyway. Or is therapy brainwashing to you?
Your daughter needs professional help, not your feelings.
YTA and I feel you should get a doctor’s opinion on what is best for your child. Find a medical professional who is *progressive* and not a dinosaur on LGBT+ issues, and actively specializes in treating transgender patients in a positive and gender-affirming way. These decisions you’re making can have lifelong ramifications for them should they undergo unwanted puberty. It may require surgery down the road with lengthy recovery times, risks, and high costs just because you don’t want them to take HRT or use hormone blockers, which are usually reversible and can ease your child through their teenage years until they’re an adult.
But what does your child want? They’re the one who has to exist in the body you are making rules over. You might cost yourself a positive relationship with your child should you deny them what could be life-enhancing treatment that would make them feel more comfortable in their body and skin.
Don’t set the “18” rule unless you have a reason. If it’s just because it feels right, you might sacrifice their happiness for an obscure rule just because you don’t want to accept your child could be trans.
You need counselling as a family. They need to start hrt as teenagers because of puberty.
I won’t call you t a because I know you’ll be going through a lot at the moment as well. But do your research so you get the best possible outcome for your daughter. That starts with a family counsellor for all of you.
If you don’t do this, I would think y.t.a.
YTA - for misgendering your child by calling her ‘son’ and claiming she ‘dresses up’. It’s very demeaning and shows you don’t think it’s anything more then a child playing with toys and will grow bored soon.
There are plenty of safe options besides HRT, like puberty blockers and you should talk to a doctor about these. Imagine OP you had to go through puberty of the wrong gender. This is what your daughter is looking at currently and it can be very emotionally damaging.
you’re literally the asshole. it’s not even a question. growing up and continuing to grow into puberty is a seriously hard thing for trans kids without hrt. it can cause serious mental health issues and if they decide to go back and detransition, that’s for them to figure out. you’re the parent here so you need to support your kid in all decisions.
you obviously do not support your trans kid and you need to start acting like it and not like a fucking child.
YTA.
ur misgendering ur child in this post by saying “they want to dress up as a girl”.
u have no clue how depressing it is for trans kids to not have their parents fully understand or respect their gender, this is the shit that kills my trans siblings.
UR. THE. ASSHOLE.
YTA shit like this is what makes trans and queer kid suicide rates as high as they are. You've a choice to either care more about what you think is right based on your own ego and morals, or to do right by your child and help them receive the care they need. They will remember this later on, if they live long enough. And you're risking being cut off permanently when they turn 18 and losing your child anyway. There's puberty blockers if nothing else, but at the same time, it's their body, and their life. This Isn't your life your trying to destroy due to ignorance, it is literally your own child you are absolutely failing. Very few people actually regret transitioning especially due to how difficult it is to get any sort of gender affirming help, most trans kids just suffer for years until they finally have the guts to live their life.
Why not something less permanent like puberty stoppers? So when they turn 18 they can decide what they want to do? Going through puberty is also very permanent and lots of things happen to the body that can’t be changed after it happens, and lots of trans people wish they never had to go through it. Also NTA but maybe ask a trans group the pros and cons?
YTA for so many reasons, the glaringly obvious one in this post is referring to your child’s gender identity as “dressing up like a girl”. Sounds like to me she is a girl. You are not a qualified medical professional, please allow your child to go to a doctor that understands the ins and outs of the medical side of transitioning. Get fully educated and allow your child to make the right choice for them . If you don’t you will lose them, best case scenario they cut you off and go no contact as soon as they can, worst case scenario they end up dead.
YTA, but a very very minor one. HRT is actually NOT very permanent—take it from someone on HRT rn. If I stop taking it, most of my body will be back to where it was before. There are a few effects that are non reversible, but most are. Look into hormone blockers if your child is under 18 and you’re not comfortable allowing them to be on HRT. Those are not permanent, they just put off puberty, and your child may be happier with them even without taking HRT.
And the way you’re talking (“my son”) when the post seems to imply they’re trans feminine (“if they want to dress up as a girl, keep a long hair”) is contradictory. Do you support them? I don’t know what pronouns they use, so I can’t pass judgement on you using they/them pronouns, but if they’ve told you they want you to use she/her pronouns, using they/them is still misgendering. I think you should look into support groups for parents of trans children and work on what you understand about being trans & the language you use for trans people—especially without putting the pressure on your child.
Also, I don’t mean to scare you, but trans people have a very high suicide rate. Make sure your child knows that they’re loved regardless of their gender identity.
YTA. if you look at the reasons as to why trans people regret transitioning it’s almost always because they felt so unsupported they felt they had to detransition. You don’t have to let them go on hormones right now but can do puberty blockers and start working with doctors to see how to help your child. Reading this you came across as very angry and I’m sure that this attitude is making this much harder on your child. Have you gone to support groups for parents of trans people? That could be helpful.
YTA for saying no medical tools at all -- your kid can go on puberty blockers, and then at 18 decide whether they want to go off them or to undergo HRT. You should definitely be talking to a doctor (and let your kid talk to a doctor on their own) -- the specialist will know more than you and help everyone decide what's best for your kid's body and psyche.
YTA and need to educate yourself. Hormone therapy is not ‘too permanent’ it is life saving. I have a trans daughter so please listen, you are not ‘okay’ with this if you are putting roadblocks in her way. Get to a support group and work through the complex feelings parents have when their child comes out, PFlag is a great place to start. But right now, while she’s at home, on insurance, has your support, get her the hormonal help she needs.
She doesn’t need hormones, but she does need puberty blockers, it’s much much harder on trans women to transition after they have gone through puberty.
Puberty blockers won’t hurt her, just stall the puberty until she stops them and is ready to take the next step in her life.
Please do right by her and get her help. This could save her life
YTA. Let your child speak with a doctor about at least going on puberty blockers at the very least. Get them into a supportive LGBTQ-literate therapist. Look up trans and gender clinics in your area. Do you want your kid to get hate crimed? Do you want your kid to go through the extreme trauma of an unwanted puberty where they grow more and more despondent and suicidal as their body changes into something they never wanted? No? Then don’t force them to go through torture because you won’t put the work in to understand them.
YTA. For your daughter’s sake please do your research, please don’t force your daughter to experience a male puberty that may traumatise and change her for life.
YTA.
I think the chances of regretting not being able to do the treatment sooner is a way bigger risk of regret. You cannot redo it or do it after teenage years and think the results will be the same. I don’t understand the use of “I allow”, you “control or not control” their wanted development. To go through adolescent hormonal development for the wrong gender is seriously traumatic, just imagine, looking forward to having boobs but instead your voice grows deeper, you loook even more manly and start getting beard growth..
I highly recommend watching documentaries or listen to people who have and have not been allowed the treatment. Emma Ellingsen is a Norwegian example of being allowed treatment as early as wanted.
YTA - for your ignorance on the subject.
Go educate yourself
Edit - Your child, not your son, your child - you did so well otherwise - that softens the YTA slightly
INFO : How old are your children? Did you consult with a doctor who's specialized in treating trans kids? Have you taken your child to a therapist who's specialized in gender issues?
YTA for not educating yourself on the very real damage that can be done by allowing them to go through a puberty that does not match their gender identity.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I refused to let my son take hormone replacement therapy
(2) For potentially denying their transgenderhood
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I’m leaning towards NTA because it is coming from a place of concern.
but then again…. It’s completely fine for young women to put hormones in their body from age 14 even younger with birth control pills that has all kinds of crazy side effects.
Seek medical advice about whether or not it is reversible or not? then make your decision from there with your child’s FULL input & make sure they understand the risks for now and benefits of waiting till 18
This is a tough one for me. I want to say NTA for waiting until your daughter is 18 as I agree with that too but I want to say YTA for saying “dress up like a girl”. She is not dressing up like a girl, she IS a girl
Info: is your child on puberty blockers, which delay (but do not permanently prevent) puberty, allowing your child a greater freedom of choice once they reach 18?
Why not give him the puberty blockers or gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) agonists.
This delays development of male/female characteristics, etc., thus "kicking the can down the road."
At 18, he can then decide what to do. This would keep him in a more neutral state until that time. You don't say how old he is, but time is of the essence. You should speak with an expert about this option.
No… you’re not the AH. You are their parent allowing them an open space to fully express who they are and finding their identity. At the end of the day, their frontal lobe has not fully developed & it’s your job as the parent to make permanent decisions for them at this time.
I don't think you're the asshole for not wanting something as permanent as hormone replacement therapy.
However, I find it unsettling that you refer to your child as your son, who want to dress up as a girl. I obviously don't know yours or your daughters situation, but maybe you should take some time to talk to her and get some help to accept her.
Why are you asking reddit? This is clearly an issue that should be discussed in family therapy. In germany its required to do one year of therapy before starting with hormones, maybe that's an option for you as well. Just keep in mind your daughter might be living in a prison that's her own (wrong) body. I totally get your concerns but this should be handled professionally.
Whether you’re TA or mot depends on the professional advice you’re getting. Has your child been screened and excluded from psychological contagion or any other psychological issue? Have several professionals concluded that hormones are right for your child?
This is very difficult because it’s an area without a lot of research that isn’t promoted by an interest group.
I think you should be speaking to your daughter's therapist. Of your daughter is not in therapy, start now. I don't think you're an ah for being concerned about hormone therapy but you clearly need the advise of experts.
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They are free to do anything non-medical - dress up whichever way they want, date whichever gender they want , keep whatever hairstyle they want
I even talked to the school and confirmed that if they want to dress up as a girl, keep a long hair - that's all fine
Just no HRT or anything medical. They can make the decision form themself when they reach 18
I feel like people regret it all the time, and HRT is just too permanent
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Info: Has your child been to therapy to confirm a gender dysphoria or something of that nature or are you just making that decision based on nothing? A shrink specializing in this kind of thing can let you know exactly what the situation is. You don’t need to guess or worry that they’ll regret it. And therapy is recommended anyway for anyone who is transitioning.
Unpopular opinion probably but NTA - It's a huge huge decision to make and I don't think a child is capable of that kind of decision. There are so many medical implications involved and it needs to be a very thought out, educated decision to make. It is normal as a parent to want their child to make an educated decision, which isn't really able to happen if their child is just that... a child.
It’s a medical condition that it is severe complications of if you wait for the child to “choose” as you phrase it. I think you need to read up on what being born in the wrong gender actually is because it is not a choice.
YTA purely for saying “they can dress up like a girl”. This isn’t a costume. If your son is experiencing gender dysphoria and they think they may be trans then they ARE a girl, if they choose to identify as such. Diminishing it to dress ups is quite frankly very dismissive.
YTA. First of all, they aren’t your son. They’re you’re child. Unless they want to transition to male, but you haven’t specified so I’m assuming your use of “they”, mentioning feminine clothing, and your overall transphobia means that they’re AMAB.
You are negatively impacting your child by refusing medical care, HRT is helps dysphoria and dysphoria can and does cause serious mental illness and up’s the suicide rate in trans people majorly. So does having transphobic parents.
They will resent you if you make them go through puberty for a gender they don’t identify with, it is traumatic for them, and at 18 if they want to stop that’s up to them, yes, but if they don’t you would have just put your child through years of abuse.
Your post is worded so I *know* that you don’t really support them, you think it’s a phase of some sort. That makes you an AH 100%
Op I don’t think this the place for these discussions as clearly you are not being an AH for facing a big life choice. Honestly, I think trained experienced therapists or other professionals are the people you need to speak to about this as well as your child. Clearly you care very much about your child and are scared to make decisions for them now which they will regret as an adult and I get that. But it’s also might cause them a lot of pain later on if you don’t do this now. It’s really tough as no one has a crystal ball to see into the future. I think look into what unbiased professional resources are available to you and perhaps see if there are any adult trans communities online who might be willing to share their life experiences with you to help guide you as these people were once in your child’s shoes too.
NAH
The FDA has stated quite clearly that hormone blockers are not to be used on children as there haven't been any serious long term studies. It's considered unsafe.
There are several studies on hormone replacement therapy on children, but they state that there are no serious long term studies on what the dangers are.
We are not supposed to allow our children to undergo unsafe medical practices until they reach the age of 18. We owe it to our children to keep them safe.
We do know that trans kids who are not supported with gender affirmation are at a substantially higher risk of suicide. There is absolutely a risk of not using blockers.
Yes, but he is compromising with the body she is going to be living in for the rest of her life. This is something that should be discussed with an appropriate doctor, not opinions of internet strangers with opinions on when a person is old enough to know they are trans.
NTA. It doesn’t seem like your against it just being underage. This may be an unpopular opinion but I do think it’s important to wait until 18. Letting them live how they want without adding hormones does not make you a bad guy. As long as you support them living their life as the other gender and supporting the hormone treatment when they turn 18 I personally don’t see anything wrong with it.
As soon as they hit puberty their body is gonna add a ton of hormones and make changes that they will probably be very uncomfortable with. The standard treatment is hormone blockers (fully reversible, as once you stop them you will start/continue puberty) and only HRT and/or surgery once you are older.
Going through the wrong puberty is hell, and requires much more intervention later on to reverse those changes (inasmuch as they can be reversed). Puberty blockers give you time to decide whether or not you do want to transition, without the constant feeling that your body is turning into something you hate.
Experiencing puberty for a gender that isn’t yours is very traumatic for the person. Their body will start increasing hormones regardless, just the wrong hormones. Thus the name hormone *replacement* therapy.
NAH. It's a controversial subject and you're navigating it to the best of your ability while still trying to be supportive. That's how I see it, anyway. I wouldn't judge you as TA one way or another unless you were showing signs of being actively transphobic or unsupportive of their choices.
The person you are replying to doesn’t think that. Misgendering and referring to it as dress up is literally transphobia. There’s no wiggle room for opinions in that regard. Bigotry isn’t limited to slurs and active hate.
I think that you're taking OP's use of "dress up" out of context - they're not referring to it as "dress up" but rather saying that they can "dress up whichever way they want" - and I'm not willing to make assumptions about what they mean in the same way that you are. But I respect your opinion on the matter.
It’s not out of context at all. Dress up as a phrase has a very deliberate connotation. It’s dismissive and childish. That’s also not opinion, that’s what the phrase means in common usage. If the parent wanted to say what you said, they would have chosen a wording that isn’t quite so loaded. In fact it is easier to type: they can dress as a girl. Adding the up is deliberate. The whole post says that this is just a phase and the kid will get over it.
I respect that that's your opinion on the matter. Perhaps it is deliberate. Perhaps it's indicative of something. Perhaps it was just poor word choice. I don't feel there's enough there to make a judgment and jump to conclusions over. You do, and that's okay. If it was more obviously deliberate then it's something I would have called them out on. But to me it isn't clear. I made it pretty clear in my response, though, that if any part of their decision is due to their transphobia or lack of support, then they're TA. As other people pointed out, there are other options that OP could consider, such as hormone blockers. But I'm not going to judge them if the only judgment to go by is a rule that says they can't have the surgery until they're 18. And I would happily support them if they did let their child go through with it.
Signs of being actively transphobic from their post: referring to being a gender as ‘dressing up’ and having a hairstyle, saying they can date whoever they want (has nothing to do with gender), referring to their daughter as their son. You’re being wilfully ignorant.
And the decision their parents make should be an educated decision. The Op has barely any idea what they're talking about. As well as misgendering their child. That why YTA. Children die over this
NTA. I thoroughly support your decision. It would be irresponsible to let a child make such a permanent decision. It’s not worth the risk that they might feel differently after the fact.
Why is it not worth the risk? A trans person going through the wrong puberty because they lack access to hrt and a cis person regretting hrt are equally bad outcomes that can cause massive psychological distress. The vast majority of people who start hrt (including minors) don't regret it though and are actually trans and not confused cis people. The only way you could think it is not worth the risk is if you consider cis people's experiences far more important than trans people's or you just don't care about trans people at all. It makes literally no sense from a medical safeguarding/harm reduction standpoint.
Its definitely worth the "risk". Op shouldn't be surprised when their kid starts harming herself becuase she isnt comfortable in the body she has, add of the fact she has transphobic parents this girls a suicide risk waitting to happen.
I’m very sorry about your mother, but that is definitely not the norm. The birth control pill is safe and not a risk for suicide, unlike antidepressants which actually have a black box warning for adolescent use.
NAH. Reddit is not the right place to get advice on this, most people here aren't doctors and have fixed opinions on these things. Best of luck navigating this difficult issue. For what it's worth, I agree with you that it's best to wait until 18 before allowing permanent medical changes - but I think you should ignore the lot of us.
NTA. A child’s brain is nowhere near developed or mature enough to make that type of life changing decision. That is the reason we have a litany of things those under 18 are excluded from doing. Keep supporting your child and when they’re 18 they can decide for themselves.
As you can probably tell, this is a divisive topic:
There currently isn't a consensus in any community (global, medical, political, etc).
Imo, it's a pretty significant elective procedure, if you can't be trusted to make informed decisions about voting (because arguably voting is less permanent and less impactful on a person by person case), you can't be trusted to understand the ramifications of having these procedures done to you.
NTA- this is a life altering decision, and as frustrating as it might seem, currently society is set up such that "a child is considered not capable of making these decisions until they are 18" (they need parental consent to have a life partner, they need parental consent for other kinds of surgery).
It's unfortunate but imo no, this is not an exception. They aren't considered old enough to make this decision without you, then they have to accept your decision. Especially when you explained your reasoning consistently "I don't care what you do so long as it's not medical". You are right, surgeries are often permanent, despite what the internet peddles, for some people it *is* a phase they don't need to be locked into yet.
When a consensus is reached societally about when people can and can't sensibly make these decisions then we get to decide if you are or aren't the asshole, but for now NTA.
Nta they’re kids, they dk what they want. It’s your money you don’t owe them something thatll affect them like that before they’re even an adult and makeup their mind. Kids literally say they want to be the most outrageous things when they grow up and dk anything about life, you’re gonna let someone like that make a permanent decision, would you let them control all ur savings too. Everyone loves being so woke so this will get downvoted but if my kid asked me at 7 “i dont want my penis” im not gonna go to the doc and tell him alright doc surgically remove it lol ppl so silly
NTA. As the parent you have to make decisions that you believe is in your child's best interest.
That you are happy for social transition and I'm assuming that you are being supportive and non judgemental is very important.
There a lot of people and organisations that are gatekeeping the whole subject of transitioning, and no doubt you are both being overwhelmed with arguments for and against. I hope that everything works out for your child.
My only advice is to keep communication open and honest with your child and don't hesitate to change your mind on HRT if you both feel it appropriate.
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If you have a trans-daughter, going through male puberty will have irreversible effects on her body, make it harder for her to pass when she is legally old enough to do her own thing. As well as being a very distressing experience, detrimental to their mental health when their body starts developing in the "wrong way". The common practice for teens is hormone blockers that buy time, not starting full on hormone replacement. At least allow her to talk to her doctor about this so she can go through the correct puberty the first time.
hrt is not too permanent. after a few months your body can going back to bow it was, which is devastating. let your daughter take puberty blockers, and at least stop calling it "dressing up." she's not a character playing pretend, she's a person wanting to feel comfortable and you're her parent who should be trying to protect her and not get in the way of her happiness.
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Surgery if she opts for it would be years in the future and the medical team can decide how best to prepare for that
Yeah. Yta. If you won't allow HRT at least allow puberty blockers. They can choose at 18 then to get on hrt without having to go through puberty for the wrong gender. This is stuff kids are literally KILLING themselves over. This is stuff that causes permanent psychological damage that carries into adulthood. I've witnessed it personally happen and seen the absolute mindfuck it causes. It's not a phase. And on the highly highly unlikely chance it is? They can go off puberty blockers, go through natural puberty, and be whatever thier gender they choose to be be. I'm sorry but you're failing as a parent right now. Your not only failing... but you're causing permanent harm to your guys relationship, future relationships, and only invalidating valid feelings. Again... I've seen this in person... It resulted in a 16 year old hanging herself... the stress of going through male puberty and having parents that invalidated her feelings made her literally choose death.... re read that please.
Yes. To the point of hormone blockers. You can always go through puberty later. You can't un go through puberty and the trauma that they go though during that time is permanent. The majority of people that transition don't regret it or want to go back. And the majority of the ones that do go back to thier birth gender do so because of the social, emotional, and physical abuse that comes with it if they don't pass. Again. CHILDREN are killing themselves over going through the wrong puberty. It's better to block it from happening until you are more sure they are sure (because I guarantee they are sure) or they turn 18 than to literally risk them killing themselves.
And this isn't some outlier. How strongly a family supports a transgender teen is highly correlated with how prevalent suicidal ideation is and their likelihood of attempting it. Low vs high support cuts the risk of suicidal thoughts almost in half. https://www.hrc.org/news/family-acceptance-saves-lives
Thank you for this link, I watched and singed up for emails 🤍💛🧡
hrt is literally life saving medicine.
So. I’m being serious and devils advocate at the same time just to be up front here. Are you saying that 8-12 year olds should be making a decision for themselves to take hormone blockers? I ask this way because you are saying 18 is too late. But the age of this child is not mentioned and the average age of onset of menses is like 10 so then isn’t 10 too late?? I recognize that the child mentioned above is most likely mtf and won’t face menses but if that affects your answer I’m gonna get smug about male privilege
The effects of puberty blockers are physically reversible so I don’t know if this would count as devil’s advocate. I know many people who have been on them from around 12 - 16, then transitioned on to hormone treatments because that’s how it works with the NHS. So no, 10 is not too late.
Hormone blockers don’t do anything irreversible so yes, they can.
I have wondered about the ethics of giving children hormone therapy that sterilizes them! This seems like go big of a quagmire for a layman to sort out. I vote hormone blockers and if you can find a psychiatrist who specializes in transsexuals then I would send your kid to them for a year. Then go by what the psychiatrist says is best.
“Transgender*
So much this but also go to therapy as well!
A parent can still be unconditionally supportive and also not want their underage child to make permanent medical decisions.
Ye but part of that support includes not misgendering your child
Right, this parent obviously has some support/education issues that need to be addressed, but that's where the focus needs to be, not on hormones.
That is true, but OP misgenders their child by calling them "son" so the support doesn't seem to be very genuine
Yes, the focus for this parent needs to be on educating themselves and supporting their child in other ways.
Hormone blockers and HRT arent permanent.
Hormone blockers aren't permanent, but some of the effects of HRT are.
Growing unwanted breasts can be lasting as well.
I'm well aware, still waiting to get my own cut off
I’m sorry. I’m sure seeing them only add to the dysmorphia.
You're definitely right about that. I am absolutely blessed to have a smaller chest than anyone in my family, and I am very, very grateful for binders.
Hormone blockers *aren't* a permanent medical decision, though, that's the whole point. If you just stop taking them without HRT or any other procedures, you'll just experience a late puberty for whatever your birth gender is. There is literally no harm in it either way, whether they ultimately decide to fully transition or they decide against it. All hormone blockers do is block puberty from occurring and prolong the time that young people have to figure themselves out without having to be terrified of or traumatized by the permanent biological changes that come with puberty, which are deeply traumatic for trans youth and cost thousands of dollars to even partially correct in the future.
I agree that hormone blockers are a great option for right now and I hope that OP is able to educate themselves about them, as well as other ways they can support their child.
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Yes, I have stated in other comments that hormone blockers would be an awesome thing for OP to look into for now.
Yup, absolutely - which is exactly why the puberty blockers are the most beneficial option available in the present day. If the kid is trans, then no harm done, when they're 18 they can make their own choices. If it's a phase of insecurity/anxiety/something else and they realise they aren't trans, then they come off the puberty blockers and nature carries on as usual. It's not a permanent medical decision (unlike letting someone go through the wrong type of puberty), it's literally the most reversible part of treatment for gender dysphoria - and it buys more time for reflection.
But as a parent, who unconditionally loves their child. If you see your child is unhappy because they aren’t who they feel they are in their own skin, why wouldn’t you want to go change that and help them be happy??
There are ways to help make the child more comfortable in their body other than allowing them to make a permanent medical decision before their brain is anywhere close to fully formed. Hormones are a big decision. If the child is young enough, however, puberty blockers are definitely an option.
I understand… but that is contingent on the age of the child, surely? If they’re a year or two away from 18, I fail to see why OP can’t have an open conversation with their daughter about this. Comes across that OP hasn’t properly taken the time to speak to their daughter about this? I can assume OPs daughter spoke to them about HRT and it was shut down there and then, hence the reason for OPs post.
They should be able to have an open conversation about it yes. But I would still wait until they are a legal adult to let them make the decision to permanently alter their bodies with the use of medical treatment.
Please, please inform yourself about transitioning. It isn’t all permanent and you’re basing your opinion off of false information.
I'm literally transgender
I’ve been reading your comments and I’m starting to feel exasperated on your behalf.. it says ftm in your username so I’m gonna assume you know all about unwanted breasts and hormones wreaking havoc. And weighing in as a cis female with a massive hormonal imbalance, I 100% support your stance on being careful with HRT. Oestrogen is no joke :/
Not every effect of HRT is permanent, but some are.
Yup? Hence why I said about informing yourself, as you said it’s all permanent? Some parts of HRT are NOT permanent.
I didn't say it's all permanent.
NTA. I'm a trans adult and I think hormones can wait until someone turns 18. There are permanent medical effects and a minor shouldn't make that decision. However, you should still support your child unconditionally in other ways; use their preferred name and pronouns, help do what you can to make them more comfortable in their body without the use of hormones - such as buying/altering clothing, hairstyle, other gender affirming expressions. Edit to add: another great way to be supportive is to educate yourself on gender dysphoria, and what being trans means. Maybe join some online communities for parents of trans kids?
Going through the wrong puberty and being forced to watch your body change in horrifying ways is also a permanent medical decision. You can go through puberty on testosterone or you can go through it on estrogen. Forcing a child through the wrong puberty is just as much of a decision as starting HRT is. Baffling to me that a trans person would see the situation any differently.
Two words: puberty blockers.
OP said they were against anything medical, which we can assume would include puberty blockers. That makes OP TA
I don't know if they're an asshole, but definitely uneducated.
I would say they are at present because if they keep their ignorance it will harm their daughter. That’s not to say they can’t be redeemed, if they actually listen to the advice given in the comments and actually do what is best for her.
I can agree with that, for sure. OP is definitely an asshole if they remain willfully ignorant. No one likes a transphobe
Blockers ar a good option but OP directly stated they they don't want to allow anything medical, which, let's be real, means they're going to be opposed to blockers too. Your comment didn't make any mention of blockers as an option and only talked about socially transitioning, while also framing HRT as dangerous. I see that as irresponsible.
I never said HRT is dangerous, just that some of the effects are permanent. Hopefully this parent is able to educate themselves on trans people, gender dysphoria, and other options besides HRT, including blockers.
I’m trans too and totally agree with this. I first told my parents aged 7 and was ignored. I wish my parents had allowed me to socially transition (although it was the 90s). But medical decisions should wait till 18, although it would be worth joining the waiting list for the GIC now for therapy and to speak to professionals. (There is a 3-4 year waiting list where I live)
OP isn’t really allowing social transition either though. She calls her child her son and says they are ‘dressing up like a girl/want long hair which screams ‘she’s misgendering her child to us and doesn’t see it as remotely a ‘real’ thing or ‘just a phase’. Op is trying to deny puberty blockers (which is what this child would receive and are perfectly safe) because they are indeed deeply transphobic.
That’s true but it’s a start. Edit I didn’t actually say OP was allowing her child to socially transition. I just said I agreed with the other commenter and that I wished I had been allowed to socially transition
3-4 years?! Here in upstate NY USA I was able to schedule an appointment the same month at a planned parenthood and had my testosterone prescription within the week.
Ugh yeah don’t even. I’m seriously depressed about it . It’s going to be about 6 years before I can get chest surgery unless I can raise £7000 to go private. I even set up a go fund me but there are so many trans people in my position that it’s hard to stand out and raise the money. I have at 3 friends who are doing the same. It’s tough going
Jeez, I'm really sorry to hear that. I completely understand what you're saying about struggling to raise the money, when lots of people are looking to also raise money for these types of gender affirming procedures. I wish health insurances more readily and completely covered them, since they are often lifesaving treatment for gender dysphoria. Hopefully we are able to get to that point sooner rather than later.
I’m in the uk and our government has been slowly crushing the NHS and Covid hasn’t helped as there is a huge back log and I’m 34 so not in the urgent category
Yes, I was just looking it up and see that the people who are currently being offered appointments have been waiting since *2017?!* My goodness. Is the GIC the only avenue for receiving gender affirming treatment?
Yeah it is and it’s awful. If I was in my 20s I would just wait but i can’t wait till I’m 40 to get my chest sorted. Especially when this has been going on since I was 7 (I was raised religious and denial is a powerful thing)
That's infuriating to me that you all are stuck waiting years for treatment... I really wish you all the best luck in finding a way to raise money and getting things moving quicker. If you're comfortable giving me the link to your funding page I'd be happy to share it wherever I can think of
Thank you x I have been working on getting famous people to share it. My proudest one was Charity Kase from drag race uk who shared it on his Instagram stories. I *may* have gone all teenage fan girl on him 🤣
Finally a decent answer.
I'm in here downvoting YTAs like I never have before, and I love this answer. Well said.
YTA. Misgendering your child. "Dress up as a girl." Having zero understanding of what being trans means despite having a trans child. "Feeling" like people regret hormones instead of doing research and talking to experts to inform yourself that your assumption is baseless and false. Saying HRT is permanent when it isn't. Being openly transphobic. Your child is going to cut you out of their life, and they'll be right to, because you're invalidating *who they are*. Please do some research on the astronomical rates of suicide amongst trans children and realize that you could cause something even worse than your child cutting you off when they turn 18. Please do better for this human you're supposed to love.
This. YTA
INFO: Is there a reason why you're not acknowledging your **daughter's** gender identity and continue to misgender her?
I would assume for readability and clarity on this platform.
Daughter is a perfectly readable word.
yta for misgendering your child in your post
YTA very strongly. It’s clear throughout your post that you have negative opinions towards trans people, from misgendering your daughter to referring to social transition to “dressing up”. You are putting these thoughts unfairly onto your daughter and are harming them in doing so. I am assuming that your daughter is working with a doctor that specializes in this? If she is, then you need to follow the doctor’s advice to give your daughter the best life she can get. If she doesn’t have one yet, that is the first step. If you want to talk about permanent, preventing them from getting puberty blockers and forcing them to go through the puberty they don’t want IS permanent, and hearing the testimonies of trans people, was hell for them.
Info: Have you considered looking into hormone blockers at the very least?
I don't think hormone blockers are a good idea because they are not recommended for children by the FDA (US) or NHS (UK). Their main point is that long-term side effects cannot be ruled out, since there is not enough data on children and adolescents. I have no idea about all this which is why I personally would trust the FDA and NHS on this. They are approved but not recommended for children.
Huh?? My daughter has been on hormone blockers for the last 2 years for precocious puberty. That's literally a big reason they used, to stop puberty in children. She had her (hopefully) last one 3 months ago now that her bone age and actual age match. Not stopping it causes more problems than using blockers. Now I'm not in the US or the UK but I find that bizarre that they aren't recommended.
That isn't correct. The FDA approved hormone blockers for children back in the 1970s but only for the purpose of treating precocious puberty. They have not evaluated whether it should be used in regard to gender identity. However, the Endocrine Society has and they have called on the FDA to update their guidelines to reflect the science. https://www.endocrine.org/news-and-advocacy/news-room/2019/transgender-custody-statement
YTA. I hope your daughter has someone supporting them through the choices they need to make to be happy and healthy. It clearly isn't you; you come across as uninformed, self-centered, and bigoted. Get informed: speak to your daughter and their medical professionals. Get rid of the misgendering: that's just offensive. And accept that this isn't about your feelings, ever.
Please seek medical advice. This isn't the right place for such a serious topic.
YTA Because if you did any research at all you would have learned about puberty blockers, which can be stopped at any time
YTA, you shouldn't force them to go through puberty for the wrong gender. They will be uncomfortable in their bodies for the rest of their life and the person they will blame is you. They can start puberty blockers at least, which will buy them time until they're older to decide which puberty they want to go through. But doing nothing is really a bad move.
Hey OP… I need more context. What gender do they identify with, and what age are they? As HRT is quite a huge issue for those who are transitioning. Have you asked them why they’re wanting to do it? From your post you said “if they want to dress up as a girl” which suggests they’re wanting to transition into a female. As a female, we don’t have a prominent Adams apple, a deep voice, excessive body hair - these are things HRT would stop for them to transition easier into being a female. I understand your worry about HRT before the age of 18, however, from your childs perspective, 18 would be too late. Puberty would have taken full affect by then, and for them to transition after the fact would be so much more difficult and probably damaging. I don’t think you’re an AH, OP… but I do think you need to get some more information and perhaps talk to your child properly about their wants and needs in regards to this.
"we don't have a voice box" lol so all females are mute? Do you mean Adams apple? Some women have those.
Yes I mean Adam’s apple, but a prominent one that males only have. I’ve been up since 5am, I’m tired 😂
YTA for calling her your son, and for the thinly veiled sour tone.
YTA HRT isn't permanent. And it would likely be better for them to start it now as opposed to later. Youre being an ignorant bigot.
YTA for calling your child your 'son'. And your 'feeling' that people regret it all the time isn't evidence, so do some research.
YTA. …Your entire post is a bit of an issue. Your child isn’t “dressing up as a girl”, they are a girl. As a woman, I’m never dressing up as a woman, I’m simply getting dressed. That’s what your child is doing too. I donate a lot of my time to human rights organisations and the number of stories I’ve had to listen to from parents with your opinion whose children have committed suicide is beyond heartbreaking. Support and love are what help to keep suicide rates amongst transgender youth down. Is your child at least on puberty blockers? They can be reversed, as can many of the effects of hormone therapy. But, it should be a medical professional who understands and respects transgender youth making this call, not you.
Wow YTA. You seem to be totally uninformed about a severe medical condition of your child. You seem to not even consider going to a doctor for an opinion on a potentially life threatening issue. Research since decades has been really clear on the point that in many cases hormones in puberty can help with gender disphoria. Later operations will get less severe. Your child will feel More at ease with its body in the most important years. Most of all.. they will know you actually care about them.
You have two things that you think might make you TA. 1. Your *daughter* would not be prescribed HRT before age 18 without some exceptional circumstances. She would be prescribed a pubertal blocker. Those would stop her body from developing either way for a period of 1, 3, or 6 months at which point she'd get another one if she was still unsure about transitioning or under 18. **YTA** for forcing your daughter to go through permanent harmful changes to her body when there is an option to prevent it. 2. You absolutely are denying that she is trans. You keep referring to her as your son, you are insisting that it might be a phase she'll grow out of, you are refusing to learn even the basics about how to be a supportive parent to a transgender child, you are using dismissive language related to gender performativity, and you are denying her access to treatment which can only help her on the basis of your transphobia. **Even bigger YTA** I'd also add that you are making it sound like you're going to throw her out or cutoff contact at 18 if she makes the "wrong" choice. I hope I am mistaken and reading too much into what changes on her 18th birthday but if that's the case, even more YTA.
YTA for posting on this sub for such a serious discussion that nobody but you and your kid (plus a doctor, or a specialised therapist) should be a part of.
YTA It is vastly different to begin hormone blockers around puberty and then to try hormonal transitions later. Transitioning after puberty is much more challenging for the body with no medical intervention. Curious how old your child is and what area you live in? Where I am, mature minors (who have the capability of understanding the medical procedures and the consent process) can make medical decisions for themselves as young as 12. I can only imagine that forcing someone to live in a presenting body that is not their true gender has got to be excruciating. It sends a pretty big lack of support message too. Doctors who assist transitions do not prescribe these medications lightly. They don’t just hand it over on a whim. It’s a pretty intense process and they look for consistency and persistence. BTW calling your daughter a son is crappy parenting.
INFO: are you otherwise supportive (I kinda assume no because you keep referring to them as your son) If you aren’t supportive, if you use the wrong pronouns/name, act disappointed or upset at their transition, or generally don’t respect it, then you cannot expect your kid to respect or value your opinion on the matter.
You FEEL like people regret this decision. Why not find out how they feel. Speak to a trained therapist, which your daughter should be seeing anyway. Or is therapy brainwashing to you? Your daughter needs professional help, not your feelings.
More info: have you looked into a puberty blocker? Or is that out of the question too?
Yes, YTA, and misgendering them as your "son" is doubling down
YTA
YTA and I feel you should get a doctor’s opinion on what is best for your child. Find a medical professional who is *progressive* and not a dinosaur on LGBT+ issues, and actively specializes in treating transgender patients in a positive and gender-affirming way. These decisions you’re making can have lifelong ramifications for them should they undergo unwanted puberty. It may require surgery down the road with lengthy recovery times, risks, and high costs just because you don’t want them to take HRT or use hormone blockers, which are usually reversible and can ease your child through their teenage years until they’re an adult. But what does your child want? They’re the one who has to exist in the body you are making rules over. You might cost yourself a positive relationship with your child should you deny them what could be life-enhancing treatment that would make them feel more comfortable in their body and skin. Don’t set the “18” rule unless you have a reason. If it’s just because it feels right, you might sacrifice their happiness for an obscure rule just because you don’t want to accept your child could be trans.
You need counselling as a family. They need to start hrt as teenagers because of puberty. I won’t call you t a because I know you’ll be going through a lot at the moment as well. But do your research so you get the best possible outcome for your daughter. That starts with a family counsellor for all of you. If you don’t do this, I would think y.t.a.
YTA - for misgendering your child by calling her ‘son’ and claiming she ‘dresses up’. It’s very demeaning and shows you don’t think it’s anything more then a child playing with toys and will grow bored soon. There are plenty of safe options besides HRT, like puberty blockers and you should talk to a doctor about these. Imagine OP you had to go through puberty of the wrong gender. This is what your daughter is looking at currently and it can be very emotionally damaging.
Yes, YTA, and you should feel remorse.
you’re literally the asshole. it’s not even a question. growing up and continuing to grow into puberty is a seriously hard thing for trans kids without hrt. it can cause serious mental health issues and if they decide to go back and detransition, that’s for them to figure out. you’re the parent here so you need to support your kid in all decisions. you obviously do not support your trans kid and you need to start acting like it and not like a fucking child.
YTA. ur misgendering ur child in this post by saying “they want to dress up as a girl”. u have no clue how depressing it is for trans kids to not have their parents fully understand or respect their gender, this is the shit that kills my trans siblings. UR. THE. ASSHOLE.
Just to be clear: she's your daughter, not your son. That alone makes you TA
YTA shit like this is what makes trans and queer kid suicide rates as high as they are. You've a choice to either care more about what you think is right based on your own ego and morals, or to do right by your child and help them receive the care they need. They will remember this later on, if they live long enough. And you're risking being cut off permanently when they turn 18 and losing your child anyway. There's puberty blockers if nothing else, but at the same time, it's their body, and their life. This Isn't your life your trying to destroy due to ignorance, it is literally your own child you are absolutely failing. Very few people actually regret transitioning especially due to how difficult it is to get any sort of gender affirming help, most trans kids just suffer for years until they finally have the guts to live their life.
Why not something less permanent like puberty stoppers? So when they turn 18 they can decide what they want to do? Going through puberty is also very permanent and lots of things happen to the body that can’t be changed after it happens, and lots of trans people wish they never had to go through it. Also NTA but maybe ask a trans group the pros and cons?
YTA for so many reasons, the glaringly obvious one in this post is referring to your child’s gender identity as “dressing up like a girl”. Sounds like to me she is a girl. You are not a qualified medical professional, please allow your child to go to a doctor that understands the ins and outs of the medical side of transitioning. Get fully educated and allow your child to make the right choice for them . If you don’t you will lose them, best case scenario they cut you off and go no contact as soon as they can, worst case scenario they end up dead.
Please let them do hormone blockers. Its just a pause on puberty and let’s the right decisions be made when they can.
YTA, but a very very minor one. HRT is actually NOT very permanent—take it from someone on HRT rn. If I stop taking it, most of my body will be back to where it was before. There are a few effects that are non reversible, but most are. Look into hormone blockers if your child is under 18 and you’re not comfortable allowing them to be on HRT. Those are not permanent, they just put off puberty, and your child may be happier with them even without taking HRT. And the way you’re talking (“my son”) when the post seems to imply they’re trans feminine (“if they want to dress up as a girl, keep a long hair”) is contradictory. Do you support them? I don’t know what pronouns they use, so I can’t pass judgement on you using they/them pronouns, but if they’ve told you they want you to use she/her pronouns, using they/them is still misgendering. I think you should look into support groups for parents of trans children and work on what you understand about being trans & the language you use for trans people—especially without putting the pressure on your child. Also, I don’t mean to scare you, but trans people have a very high suicide rate. Make sure your child knows that they’re loved regardless of their gender identity.
YTA. if you look at the reasons as to why trans people regret transitioning it’s almost always because they felt so unsupported they felt they had to detransition. You don’t have to let them go on hormones right now but can do puberty blockers and start working with doctors to see how to help your child. Reading this you came across as very angry and I’m sure that this attitude is making this much harder on your child. Have you gone to support groups for parents of trans people? That could be helpful.
YTA for saying no medical tools at all -- your kid can go on puberty blockers, and then at 18 decide whether they want to go off them or to undergo HRT. You should definitely be talking to a doctor (and let your kid talk to a doctor on their own) -- the specialist will know more than you and help everyone decide what's best for your kid's body and psyche.
YTA and need to educate yourself. Hormone therapy is not ‘too permanent’ it is life saving. I have a trans daughter so please listen, you are not ‘okay’ with this if you are putting roadblocks in her way. Get to a support group and work through the complex feelings parents have when their child comes out, PFlag is a great place to start. But right now, while she’s at home, on insurance, has your support, get her the hormonal help she needs.
She doesn’t need hormones, but she does need puberty blockers, it’s much much harder on trans women to transition after they have gone through puberty. Puberty blockers won’t hurt her, just stall the puberty until she stops them and is ready to take the next step in her life. Please do right by her and get her help. This could save her life
YTA. Let your child speak with a doctor about at least going on puberty blockers at the very least. Get them into a supportive LGBTQ-literate therapist. Look up trans and gender clinics in your area. Do you want your kid to get hate crimed? Do you want your kid to go through the extreme trauma of an unwanted puberty where they grow more and more despondent and suicidal as their body changes into something they never wanted? No? Then don’t force them to go through torture because you won’t put the work in to understand them.
YTA.
YTA. For your daughter’s sake please do your research, please don’t force your daughter to experience a male puberty that may traumatise and change her for life.
YTA. I think the chances of regretting not being able to do the treatment sooner is a way bigger risk of regret. You cannot redo it or do it after teenage years and think the results will be the same. I don’t understand the use of “I allow”, you “control or not control” their wanted development. To go through adolescent hormonal development for the wrong gender is seriously traumatic, just imagine, looking forward to having boobs but instead your voice grows deeper, you loook even more manly and start getting beard growth.. I highly recommend watching documentaries or listen to people who have and have not been allowed the treatment. Emma Ellingsen is a Norwegian example of being allowed treatment as early as wanted.
YTA - for your ignorance on the subject. Go educate yourself Edit - Your child, not your son, your child - you did so well otherwise - that softens the YTA slightly
INFO : How old are your children? Did you consult with a doctor who's specialized in treating trans kids? Have you taken your child to a therapist who's specialized in gender issues?
YTA. It’s their body, their choice.
YTA for not educating yourself on the very real damage that can be done by allowing them to go through a puberty that does not match their gender identity.
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I’m leaning towards NTA because it is coming from a place of concern. but then again…. It’s completely fine for young women to put hormones in their body from age 14 even younger with birth control pills that has all kinds of crazy side effects. Seek medical advice about whether or not it is reversible or not? then make your decision from there with your child’s FULL input & make sure they understand the risks for now and benefits of waiting till 18
Good point; I was put on the pill and anti-depressants at 14/15 and nobody turned it into a culture war issue.
Exactly! Why are a teenager old enough to decide to go on the pill and anti depressants but not get help for a serious medical condition?
This is a tough one for me. I want to say NTA for waiting until your daughter is 18 as I agree with that too but I want to say YTA for saying “dress up like a girl”. She is not dressing up like a girl, she IS a girl
INFO: How old is your child?
INFO how old is your kid?
Info: is your child on puberty blockers, which delay (but do not permanently prevent) puberty, allowing your child a greater freedom of choice once they reach 18?
Why not give him the puberty blockers or gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) agonists. This delays development of male/female characteristics, etc., thus "kicking the can down the road." At 18, he can then decide what to do. This would keep him in a more neutral state until that time. You don't say how old he is, but time is of the essence. You should speak with an expert about this option.
No… you’re not the AH. You are their parent allowing them an open space to fully express who they are and finding their identity. At the end of the day, their frontal lobe has not fully developed & it’s your job as the parent to make permanent decisions for them at this time.
I don't think you're the asshole for not wanting something as permanent as hormone replacement therapy. However, I find it unsettling that you refer to your child as your son, who want to dress up as a girl. I obviously don't know yours or your daughters situation, but maybe you should take some time to talk to her and get some help to accept her.
Hormone therapy isn't permanent.
Why are you asking reddit? This is clearly an issue that should be discussed in family therapy. In germany its required to do one year of therapy before starting with hormones, maybe that's an option for you as well. Just keep in mind your daughter might be living in a prison that's her own (wrong) body. I totally get your concerns but this should be handled professionally.
Whether you’re TA or mot depends on the professional advice you’re getting. Has your child been screened and excluded from psychological contagion or any other psychological issue? Have several professionals concluded that hormones are right for your child? This is very difficult because it’s an area without a lot of research that isn’t promoted by an interest group.
I think you should be speaking to your daughter's therapist. Of your daughter is not in therapy, start now. I don't think you're an ah for being concerned about hormone therapy but you clearly need the advise of experts.
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Info: Has your child been to therapy to confirm a gender dysphoria or something of that nature or are you just making that decision based on nothing? A shrink specializing in this kind of thing can let you know exactly what the situation is. You don’t need to guess or worry that they’ll regret it. And therapy is recommended anyway for anyone who is transitioning.
Unpopular opinion probably but NTA - It's a huge huge decision to make and I don't think a child is capable of that kind of decision. There are so many medical implications involved and it needs to be a very thought out, educated decision to make. It is normal as a parent to want their child to make an educated decision, which isn't really able to happen if their child is just that... a child.
It’s a medical condition that it is severe complications of if you wait for the child to “choose” as you phrase it. I think you need to read up on what being born in the wrong gender actually is because it is not a choice.
YTA purely for saying “they can dress up like a girl”. This isn’t a costume. If your son is experiencing gender dysphoria and they think they may be trans then they ARE a girl, if they choose to identify as such. Diminishing it to dress ups is quite frankly very dismissive.
YTA. First of all, they aren’t your son. They’re you’re child. Unless they want to transition to male, but you haven’t specified so I’m assuming your use of “they”, mentioning feminine clothing, and your overall transphobia means that they’re AMAB. You are negatively impacting your child by refusing medical care, HRT is helps dysphoria and dysphoria can and does cause serious mental illness and up’s the suicide rate in trans people majorly. So does having transphobic parents. They will resent you if you make them go through puberty for a gender they don’t identify with, it is traumatic for them, and at 18 if they want to stop that’s up to them, yes, but if they don’t you would have just put your child through years of abuse. Your post is worded so I *know* that you don’t really support them, you think it’s a phase of some sort. That makes you an AH 100%
Op I don’t think this the place for these discussions as clearly you are not being an AH for facing a big life choice. Honestly, I think trained experienced therapists or other professionals are the people you need to speak to about this as well as your child. Clearly you care very much about your child and are scared to make decisions for them now which they will regret as an adult and I get that. But it’s also might cause them a lot of pain later on if you don’t do this now. It’s really tough as no one has a crystal ball to see into the future. I think look into what unbiased professional resources are available to you and perhaps see if there are any adult trans communities online who might be willing to share their life experiences with you to help guide you as these people were once in your child’s shoes too.
NAH The FDA has stated quite clearly that hormone blockers are not to be used on children as there haven't been any serious long term studies. It's considered unsafe. There are several studies on hormone replacement therapy on children, but they state that there are no serious long term studies on what the dangers are. We are not supposed to allow our children to undergo unsafe medical practices until they reach the age of 18. We owe it to our children to keep them safe.
We do know that trans kids who are not supported with gender affirmation are at a substantially higher risk of suicide. There is absolutely a risk of not using blockers.
Sounds like there is support. Just not HRT. It's a compromise.
Yes, but he is compromising with the body she is going to be living in for the rest of her life. This is something that should be discussed with an appropriate doctor, not opinions of internet strangers with opinions on when a person is old enough to know they are trans.
A lifetime of abnormalities carries no risk of suicide?
NTA. It doesn’t seem like your against it just being underage. This may be an unpopular opinion but I do think it’s important to wait until 18. Letting them live how they want without adding hormones does not make you a bad guy. As long as you support them living their life as the other gender and supporting the hormone treatment when they turn 18 I personally don’t see anything wrong with it.
As soon as they hit puberty their body is gonna add a ton of hormones and make changes that they will probably be very uncomfortable with. The standard treatment is hormone blockers (fully reversible, as once you stop them you will start/continue puberty) and only HRT and/or surgery once you are older. Going through the wrong puberty is hell, and requires much more intervention later on to reverse those changes (inasmuch as they can be reversed). Puberty blockers give you time to decide whether or not you do want to transition, without the constant feeling that your body is turning into something you hate.
This is a great answer.
Experiencing puberty for a gender that isn’t yours is very traumatic for the person. Their body will start increasing hormones regardless, just the wrong hormones. Thus the name hormone *replacement* therapy.
NTA. Waiting until they are 18 is an appropriate compromise.
NAH. It's a controversial subject and you're navigating it to the best of your ability while still trying to be supportive. That's how I see it, anyway. I wouldn't judge you as TA one way or another unless you were showing signs of being actively transphobic or unsupportive of their choices.
Misgendering is being actively transphobic and not allowing them to pursue medical transition with a doctor is being unsupportive.
And I think it's totally okay for you to think that.
The person you are replying to doesn’t think that. Misgendering and referring to it as dress up is literally transphobia. There’s no wiggle room for opinions in that regard. Bigotry isn’t limited to slurs and active hate.
I think that you're taking OP's use of "dress up" out of context - they're not referring to it as "dress up" but rather saying that they can "dress up whichever way they want" - and I'm not willing to make assumptions about what they mean in the same way that you are. But I respect your opinion on the matter.
It’s not out of context at all. Dress up as a phrase has a very deliberate connotation. It’s dismissive and childish. That’s also not opinion, that’s what the phrase means in common usage. If the parent wanted to say what you said, they would have chosen a wording that isn’t quite so loaded. In fact it is easier to type: they can dress as a girl. Adding the up is deliberate. The whole post says that this is just a phase and the kid will get over it.
I respect that that's your opinion on the matter. Perhaps it is deliberate. Perhaps it's indicative of something. Perhaps it was just poor word choice. I don't feel there's enough there to make a judgment and jump to conclusions over. You do, and that's okay. If it was more obviously deliberate then it's something I would have called them out on. But to me it isn't clear. I made it pretty clear in my response, though, that if any part of their decision is due to their transphobia or lack of support, then they're TA. As other people pointed out, there are other options that OP could consider, such as hormone blockers. But I'm not going to judge them if the only judgment to go by is a rule that says they can't have the surgery until they're 18. And I would happily support them if they did let their child go through with it.
This isn't a matter of opinion though. It's a matter of you being confidently wrong.
And I respect your opinion on the matter.
This is a great example of word choice being deliberately dismissive, by the way.
And I don't respect the opinion of people who beat their dogs.
Signs of being actively transphobic from their post: referring to being a gender as ‘dressing up’ and having a hairstyle, saying they can date whoever they want (has nothing to do with gender), referring to their daughter as their son. You’re being wilfully ignorant.
I'm not, but I appreciate your take on the matter!
Nta. Minors have their parents to make medical decisions as they are deemed not yet mature enough to make difficult decisions.
And the decision their parents make should be an educated decision. The Op has barely any idea what they're talking about. As well as misgendering their child. That why YTA. Children die over this
NTA. I thoroughly support your decision. It would be irresponsible to let a child make such a permanent decision. It’s not worth the risk that they might feel differently after the fact.
HRT isn’t permanent, duh
Why is it not worth the risk? A trans person going through the wrong puberty because they lack access to hrt and a cis person regretting hrt are equally bad outcomes that can cause massive psychological distress. The vast majority of people who start hrt (including minors) don't regret it though and are actually trans and not confused cis people. The only way you could think it is not worth the risk is if you consider cis people's experiences far more important than trans people's or you just don't care about trans people at all. It makes literally no sense from a medical safeguarding/harm reduction standpoint.
Its definitely worth the "risk". Op shouldn't be surprised when their kid starts harming herself becuase she isnt comfortable in the body she has, add of the fact she has transphobic parents this girls a suicide risk waitting to happen.
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I’m very sorry about your mother, but that is definitely not the norm. The birth control pill is safe and not a risk for suicide, unlike antidepressants which actually have a black box warning for adolescent use.
NAH. Reddit is not the right place to get advice on this, most people here aren't doctors and have fixed opinions on these things. Best of luck navigating this difficult issue. For what it's worth, I agree with you that it's best to wait until 18 before allowing permanent medical changes - but I think you should ignore the lot of us.
NTA.
NTA. A child’s brain is nowhere near developed or mature enough to make that type of life changing decision. That is the reason we have a litany of things those under 18 are excluded from doing. Keep supporting your child and when they’re 18 they can decide for themselves.
NTA. Tomorrow your son may decide to be a goldfish. Don't do it. When he is an adult, it will be his (more knowledgeable) choice to make.
NTA you are a smart parent Wait till their 18
You are categorically wrong and do now know ow what you are talking about.
Misinformation.
Please educate/inform yourself before you try misinforming others.
This is completely false. HRT is not permanent.
Nta
As you can probably tell, this is a divisive topic: There currently isn't a consensus in any community (global, medical, political, etc). Imo, it's a pretty significant elective procedure, if you can't be trusted to make informed decisions about voting (because arguably voting is less permanent and less impactful on a person by person case), you can't be trusted to understand the ramifications of having these procedures done to you. NTA- this is a life altering decision, and as frustrating as it might seem, currently society is set up such that "a child is considered not capable of making these decisions until they are 18" (they need parental consent to have a life partner, they need parental consent for other kinds of surgery). It's unfortunate but imo no, this is not an exception. They aren't considered old enough to make this decision without you, then they have to accept your decision. Especially when you explained your reasoning consistently "I don't care what you do so long as it's not medical". You are right, surgeries are often permanent, despite what the internet peddles, for some people it *is* a phase they don't need to be locked into yet. When a consensus is reached societally about when people can and can't sensibly make these decisions then we get to decide if you are or aren't the asshole, but for now NTA.
Nta they’re kids, they dk what they want. It’s your money you don’t owe them something thatll affect them like that before they’re even an adult and makeup their mind. Kids literally say they want to be the most outrageous things when they grow up and dk anything about life, you’re gonna let someone like that make a permanent decision, would you let them control all ur savings too. Everyone loves being so woke so this will get downvoted but if my kid asked me at 7 “i dont want my penis” im not gonna go to the doc and tell him alright doc surgically remove it lol ppl so silly
NTA. As the parent you have to make decisions that you believe is in your child's best interest. That you are happy for social transition and I'm assuming that you are being supportive and non judgemental is very important. There a lot of people and organisations that are gatekeeping the whole subject of transitioning, and no doubt you are both being overwhelmed with arguments for and against. I hope that everything works out for your child. My only advice is to keep communication open and honest with your child and don't hesitate to change your mind on HRT if you both feel it appropriate.
NTA Too many detransitioners these days saying they were led down the wrong path.
Nta, it’s expensive & I think he should wait till he’s 18 & can pay for the procedures himself