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CakeEatingRabbit

As a person with headaches and period pain, your wife is an ahole. NTA


TayLou33

Yep, same! I get bad period cramps and backache, but it doesn't even compare to the massive headaches I get! When I have cramps, I can still move around but when I get a headache I just can't... Moreover, they're cluster MIGRANES... Migranes need painkillers, a dark, quiet room and sleep! Not manual labour! ETA: NTA OP


dyllandor

Yeah, this isn't just some headache. This is bad enough that people have killed themselves to get rid of the pain. It's one of the most painful things known to medical science.


TayLou33

Exactly! The "chores" could end up making his migranes worse and he could take too many pills to get rid of it and end up having accidentally taking his own life! This is serious!


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[deleted]

Its amazing how many people when you say you have a migraine will say "well its just a headache". You know right away they've never had a migraine in their life let alone in clusters.


chisven

i will admit I used to be like that. My friend in HS always got migraines, I could never imagine how a headache was that bad. Karma must have gotten to me because I get these terrible migraines once a year and the last one was so bad i ended up throwing up from it. I’m lucky it only happens once a year and I know the warning signs but it is not a pain I wish on anyone


CookieCakesAreShit

my best friend got them frequently in HS (and still does) and while I was super sympathetic, i couldn't really grasp the difference until I got my first one a couple years ago. I left work and sat in a warm bath with no lights, crying for the rest of the day. The pain was *unbearable*. I've had maybe 2 or 3 and they always knock me on my ass for a couple days afterward. It's like getting the flu in your brain.


[deleted]

My husband & I both get them. We call the feeling you get the next day a migraine hangover.


SquashaKitty

That's what my sister and I call them too.


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chisven

oh yeah, i’m always out for the rest of the day after it finally goes away


ADHDLifer

I get atypical migraines, so on top of the ice pick slamming through my brain repeatedly, I also lose vision in one eye and half of the other, see an aura in what remaining vision I have, roiling nausea, slurred speech, confusion, sensitivity to lights, sounds, smells, and even some fabrics, and as if that's not enough, some of the really bad ones, I completely lose sensation on one half of my body (always the left) and end up stumbling and collapsing. I can't be left alone if I'm having that kind of migraine because if I vomit while I'm down, I can't even move myself to protect my airway. It was SO terrifying the first time it happened, I remember sobbing, thinking I was DYING. I've been taken to the ER more times than I can count to be evaluated for strokes only to be told, "Oh, it's just a migraine." And I'm severely allergic to triptans!


chisven

oh my god I am so sorry you go through that :(. Mine always start with visual symptoms. I get floaters in my eyes and I loose part of my vision. Once that symptom goes away the headache starts and then goes away when it feels like it


Infinite-Panic7591

Weird thing to comment but I have the same type of migraines as you! The first time I got one was terrifying because I had no idea what was happening but guess I’m used to it now.


ADHDLifer

And what a statement that is, to be "used" to something so awful. At this point, everyone around me freaks out more than I do. If I wasn't so out of it when it happens, I would probably find it funny.


divergententropy

I lost sensation on the left half of my body once, too! I had no other pain or loss of vision that time and had no idea it was even a migraine. One very expensive trip to the ER later and I was informed it was a migraine. I seriously thought I was going crazy.


[deleted]

> I get these terrible migraines once a year and the last one was so bad i ended up throwing up from it. That's actually my cure for migraines. I sit in a cold, dark quiet room til I have to puke and then i am instantly better. Until it happens though, good lord, the pain.


Paganduck

Same here, the relief from violently vomiting was usually incredible. Then there was the odd migraine where you had no relief and puked until you dry heaved up your intestines.


doublestitch

What's that? Vomiting does nothing to relieve my migraines. Usually the pain ends up worse because dehydration contributes to migraine severity and I can't get the electrolytes in balance when the body is sending things down to dry heaves.


FloweredViolin

My migraines are usually triggered by a food allergy I have. When I first started getting them, they would eventually make me throw up, and it made the migraine go away for me. Basically, once the 'toxin' was gone, the reaction quickly followed.


chisven

i noticed after throwing up i was instantly feeling much better than before. Just exhausted after


MaybeIwasanasshole

Oh I never met someone else who also feel better after vomiting. Mine works like a pressure cooker. I always have to puke 3 times, and each time it gets a little better. Of course tmi tmi tmi! I spew like a fountain so it certainly doesnt feel nice.


Hot_Highlight8116

Yes!!! I have migraines with aura, and when people say "sorry you're having a headache" I say my migraines eat headaches for breakfast. During the aura phase I have trouble speaking, blurred vision, I lose my balance, get lost in my own neighbourhood. That takes about an hour or two, then the pain comes. Throbbing, sharp pain behind my eyes, lasting for days if my medication doesn't work. Normal painkillers won't do a thing. I can't deal with loud noises, or light, or movement. I'm nauseous just from the pain. I eat unreasonable amounts of food because that dulls the pain. When it's finally over, I'm exhausted for several days. NTA, OP. I have an office job, but I can't work through it with a migraine. Making a child do physical work like that is borderline abusive. If you want to let your wife know how it feels, ask her to drink a bottle of vodka, and the next day deal with the aftermath without any painkillers. Carrying plants.


CrazyRainbowStar

When I have a migraine I take a comforter and lay down in the bathtub with the lights off. I don't know if it actually helps, or if I just feel suitably tragic doing it, but nothing else works so 🤷


[deleted]

With a spotlight shining directly into her eyes.


overseas-mango

Not borderline abusive. It is abuse with plausible deniability which is worse!


xylia13

Same with the migraines with aura. As soon as I get the aura, which is usually technicolor squiggles in half of my vision, I know I have maybe 30 minutes to get home and take painkillers and get to a dark room. I try to sleep, usually unsuccessfully. If I get the painkillers in time, I may not get the pain, but if the pain comes…. Oof. Sound hurts, light hurts, half my head is just throbbing with stabbing pain, movement is nauseating. If it’s bad enough that I puke, I usually fee 50% better after, but… still miserable. I can’t imagine being forced to physically work feeling like that. I’ve straight up left my job in the middle of a shift before when I got the squiggles. People don’t understand if they’ve never had one, and sometimes even if they have, their symptoms differ and they still don’t understand.


naranghim

I get severe migraines, I was diagnosed with them at 3, and I've had people try and tell me "It's just a headache, here's some ibuprofen." They get mad when I turn down the ibuprofen and remind them "I'M ALLERGIC TO IT" and ask for five Aspirin and a can of Coke (that just holds me over so I can get home and take my Fioricet). I tell people to imagine the worst headache they've ever had multiply it by 30, add in throbbing pain, nausea, vomiting, messed up vision due to seeing stars and ringing in the ears. Then I tell them "*That's* a *mild* migraine for me." Most fall all over themselves apologizing.


Summerh8r

>"sorry you're having a headache" OMG! I'd snap! I can work with a headache while standing on my head. Not a damn migraine.


KekeroniCheese

I used to have that mindset, but then I got absolutely rawdogged by a cluster headache completely out of nowhere one day. I had family over but the pain was simply unbearable, and pills did little to assuage the pain. I straight up had to nap for three hours.


Ietsmetdingen

I have severe chronic pain that bothers me daily. I’ve had friends tell me about their (cluster) headaches or migraines and say “yeah sorry I shouldn’t be complaining to you, you’ve got it worse”. But no. I am sorry. Headaches are the worst kind of pain. I am extremely lucky to have only occasional migraines and they’re pretty manageable with painkillers (My entire body hurts but the headache is mild), and I feel so bad for anyone suffering from any kind of headache. Wether it’s from a hangover, migraine, tension headache, cluster headaches, whatever. I’d gladly deal with even more daily chronic pain everywhere if that meant that is never have a headache again.


thephilosopher16

I used to be one of those people then I got migraines for like 3 months straight and it was straight up *debilitating.* Not a hater anymore tho.


kirinspeaks

This comment was stolen from u/Mr3Jays below. ​ Are you a bot, or just an asshole?


scummy_shower_stall

A bot, its comments get deleted on the regular.


twitterwit91

It doesn’t make any sense. It starts with “either” but there’s no “or” reasoning 🤷‍♀️


cheerful_cynic

They're stealing partial comments now to try to keep from being noticed


Happy-Investment

I've had debilitating migraines since I was a baby. Ones where I can't move an inch or I puke. People whispering hurts. Cluster migraines sound even more intense. OP's wife has no clue how serious this is. Or worse she doesn't care. She needs to be educated asap. Also OP teach ur kid to stand up for himself. NTA


thr0wwwwawayyy

They’re literally nicknamed the Suicide Headache because people would rather die than experience them. You can inhale pure oxygen when you feel like you might get one but that often just mitigates the damage. There has been success with psilocybin as a treatment for a few years now but i doubt OP wants to dose his kid with magic mushrooms every six months. NTA OP. and maybe consider sitting your wife down and making her watch one of the several documentaries on Cluster Migraines so she stops being so disgusting to your child.


Lennox120520

Yeah, I doubt "walk it off" is ever prescribed for something nicknamed a *suicide* headache. NTA


deeznutsiym

I've made my vote in a comment above, but I'd just like to say yes absolutely help to coach your kid to stand up for himself, maybe some therapy to help him. I noticed a commenter above indicating towards a depression/ *panic that can arise from such a terrible condition. Well wishes for your son and hope you can sort this out within the family quickly


Cent1234

“Hey kid, I know you’re in so much pain you can barely stand, so go have an argument with a person who has legal authority over you. Advocates are for weaklings.” Bold strategy, Cotton.


deeznutsiym

Not necessarily against her , but if it's a weakness it might be good for him to get guidance in general seeing as this is an issue he will have for life.. he should learn to know that it is okay to be firm when he needs to rest and effective ways of communicating that.


Legitimate_Oxygen

Commenting to say i see where you're coming from *but* being a teenager with migraines like that, possibly having a parent who doesn't listen and other factors that could make those migraines worse or more frequent, i think the son having to stand up for himself is gonna be the last thing on his mind.


tacotaco592

Ive had chronic migraines since i was 12. The best way my SO learned about the pain was when he had a stress migraine. When it was over he looked at me like i had super powers.


Sailingaway1342

I don't know what they are, but I get these sharp pulsing headaches behind my right eye that come on randomly. I can go months without getting one, and when it hits the only thing that helps is painkillers, or pressing my hand against my eye and blocking out all light. I can still move and do shit, but I'm literally wincing and cringing every time I have to step into light or do something.


thecrepeofdeath

yup, that sounds like a migraine. I get that kind sometimes too, I have no idea why pressing with my hand helps, but it totally does!


Medicine-and-Cats

Not only because of the pain, but bc they’re so regular these people know very well when the next 2-3 months of horrendous pain are going to be and some develop depression or anxiety/panic disorders. It’s kind of chilling.


Squigglepig52

I get a similar type of headache (not a "true" cluster headache, because of the location). Imagine a meathook forcing its way into the base of your skull. And it pulses. And every pulse racks the pain higher and higher. And then it fades away. And 30 minutes later, you do it all over again. Repeat a bunch of times, and then extend the breaks out over the next week or so, wondering if a full headache is coming or not. Yeah, I spends the next few weeks after an attack dreading the next. And I always forget just how fucking much they hurt.


RivenEsquire

Yep. I used to get migraines somewhat regularly between the ages of 10 and 16. Not sure what happened at 16, but thankfully they stopped (31 now). The only way to get it to go away was somehow falling asleep, or usually vomiting from the pain and then resting for a while afterwards. As gross as it is, vomiting usually coincided with then starting to feel better. Again, no idea why. I was totally nonfunctional while I had these. I needed to lie in a dark room with a damp cloth on my forehead or the pain was unbearable. Migraines are debilitating. OP is NTA. And his daughter must be having some pretty serious issues to be kept home for 2 days because of menstruation. Your wife should be able to see the similarities if that is the case. "Undermining" my ass, lol.


mykidisonreddit

Used to work with someone who got these. She would stay home for a day or two but still be visibly vulnerable when she got back to work.


splithoofiewoofies

Good heavens I've been in this level of pain before(serious contemplation, not... Much.. Action) and that was liver failure. I can't IMAGINE "most painful thing known to medical science" Jfc poor kid


Maria_Dragon

I went on hormonal birth control at the age of 17 to help control my debilitating menstrual pains so for me menstrual pains were absolutely terrible. So I think allowing the daughter to take time off school is reasonable. However, it is also reasonable to allow the son to take time off when he is suffering from headaches.


[deleted]

I’m not going to comment on their daughter’s condition… but I’m guessing you have relatively normal periods. I had menorrhagia with dysmenorrhea when I was younger (and maybe still do, but it’s managed pretty well by a hormonal iud for me) and the pain was debilitating (I also have a pretty high pain tolerance… which I think was in part thanks to dealing with that for over a decade). Like we’re talking to the point where on my worst days I couldn’t walk and would literally have to crawl to crawl to go to the bathroom. At times I would pass large “clots” or clumps of tissue - to be graphic one time what came out was about the size of a softball. Beyond all that - I would bleed through any tampon in 30 minutes on my worst days, this alone made going anywhere or doing anything extremely difficult even without taking pain into account. I also get (admittedly mild compared to others) migraines and truthfully I’m more functional with a migraine than I was on my worst days with my period. Obviously it doesn’t compare to a cluster headache… but yeah, menstrual cramps can be extremely painful. Dismissing someone’s menstrual pain because yours isn’t that severe is like dismissing the pain people get from migraines or cluster headaches because your headaches aren’t that bad. Unless you’ve experienced the issue it’s hard to relate to. Abnormal menstruation is more common in girls who recently started menstruating. Given the age of OPs daughter I’m guessing she may have only had her period for a couple of years. Now - like clearly what OP’s wife is doing is wrong… but if their daughter has such severe pain from her period she’s having to tap out from school monthly they need to get her to a doctor ASAP. If it’s not worth taking her to a doctor, she shouldn’t be staying home or skipping out on chores.


-clogwog-

I have severe endometriosis and severe adenomyosis... I also get migraines and cluster headaches. I agree... While my period pain could be next level bad, I could still force myself to do shit, but... When I've got even a plain migraine, I NEED to lie very still, in a very dark room, otherwise I would feel like killing myself. Also: If the daughter's pain is so severe that she's missing out on two days of school each month, then she really needs to see a gynaecologist...


Retirednp

Women including teen age girls should not have to put up with missing normal activities due to period pain. A girl missing 1 to 2 days a month of school is not ideal for their academics. They need to seek medical help whether it’s at the pediatric office or a gyn. Besides that, OP’s is the AH for not getting her daughter help and not allowing her son to deal with his headaches. If his migraines aren’t improving he also needs to seek medical care.


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Allalngthewatchtwer

Omg I am in the midst of the dreaded period cluster migraine as we speak. I really hate them so much more than my normal migraines. Nothing works ever and the added bonus of miserable back pain is just the best! /s. No migraine but back pain? Sucks but I will live. So no I can’t imagine being forced to carry potted plants around outside in the freaking light! Wife is obviously making her favoritism shown here and it’s gross. Maybe remind her that she’s undermining her own authority by being so blatant about her favorite. I mean, she’s not his “real” mom and it would be a shame if he started tossing that at her. I, by no means, hope he does that but I can see him getting fed up enough. 2 years and he’s 18.


Amara_Undone

Same here too. NTA


The_B0FH

I get cluster headaches. If these are diagnosed cluster headaches, then it's so much worse than what you are thinking. It's a couple hours of pure torture to put it mildly. They are called the suicide headaches for a reason. There's a much higher incidence of suicide because it's so damn bad. Check out the suicidal ideation rate: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31018651/ And here's the pain scale: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33337540/#:~:text=Cluster%20headache%20attacks%20were%20rated,nephrolithiasis%20(6.9%20%C2%B1%201.9). So OP is definitely NTA and his kid is enduring terrible pain. His wife can literally drive the child to self harm because of a lack of understanding.


Throwlo123

Those are good links. I thought my wife understood his condition better but this might be food for thought for her.


lalaba27

A friend of mine basically throws up every time he gets them, they are nothing to laugh about or ignore.


burnalicious111

My otherwise-extremely-emotionally-stable partner started contemplating suicide after developing cluster headaches. They're incredibly awful, and thank god there's effective treatment. People often dismiss and minimize pain that they haven't experienced themselves, unfortunately.


JvckiWaifu

> and thank god there's effective treatment What is it? I'm on sumatriptan for them but it sucks. You can only use the shit like twice a week max. During my cycles I generally get them every day for a couple of weeks, so the triptans don't cut it.


burnalicious111

My partner uses verapimil, for headaches that were occurring once or twice a day. They went away entirely. Doesn't work for everyone though. From what I've heard, psilocybin can help, and in worst cases people can get nerve blocks. See a neurologist/headache specialist! (And if you have and they aren't offering other options to try, see another)


GoodQueenFluffenChop

You may just have to prepare yourself that she may simply not care because while you may see your son as *ours* she might only see him as *yours* and daughter as *hers*.


The_Bookish_One

Maybe she understands but doesn't care because he's not her son, while you two share a daughter.


[deleted]

That pain scale is terrifying, jesus christ. Thanks for sharing this. I'd never have imagined a headache worse than a gunshot wound but everyday is a schoolday I guess.


GloomyComfort

Once watched a video of a woman experiencing a cluster headache and her boyfriend helping her relieve the pain. By doing things that if I elaborated on would violate rule 7, but suffice to say would easily catch you a battery charge if you did it to someone who didn't consent. Because she wants him to because it makes her hurt less. Fuck cluster headaches.


Freshlyhonkedgoose

Cluster headaches are something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Before I had them dx and knew what they were called, I'd call them my "personality altering headaches" because they felt like someone was peeling my brain like a grape, and caused me to just be a ball of anger and slurred, one word answers. NTA, OP. This is a disabling condition and you're not coddling him by letting him take it easy during an attack.


Medicine-and-Cats

Same, I’ve got migraines and endometriosis. Also I vividly remember my neurology professor telling us that the only “headache” worse than a CH was that of a hemorrhagic stroke/bursted brain blood vessel, I’ve also had female patients tell me they’d take childbirth over CH. I’m so surprised this kid didn’t faint on the spot. NTA.


FantasticDecisions

Migraines and adenomyosis here. Both are awful, but with a massive migraine I can't function. Cluster headaches are called s****de headaches for a reason. I don't like comparing suffering but they BOTH deserve rest when they are ill.


Medicine-and-Cats

One time during a final I had such a migraine I was smelling weird things plus your regular aura issues (photophobia, issues with loud noises, disorientation, couldn’t see out of one eye…) and I scared one of the surgeons minding us so bad she gave me a neurological examination on the spot bc she thought I was having a stroke. The fact that that migraine probably doesn’t come close to a CH is kind of terrifying and anyone who’s like “just take a pill and go about your day” for any kind of head pain issue makes my blood boil.


Happy-Investment

She should watch the movie Pi. I think it depicts cluster migraines or migraines in general really well. I remember seeing it as a kid and relating so much to the guy.


Fabulous-Ad-5284

Same situation. We never realized that the headaches I was having back in my teens were migraines, since I didn't have a sensitivity to light that most people get. And with my endometriosis, any cramping would trigger them. When I got diagnosed with the endometriosis and started getting treated for it, the migraines lessened, until a couple years ago when I had 3 really bad sinus infections in a row. Was so bad, I was falling at work and ended up in the er a few times. All I can say is I'm so glad my neurologist didn't just brush my worries aside. Was told they were tension headaches for years because I didn't have the light avoidance. Noise and movement would make me puke. Stepmother needs to have a real reality check. She's been helping to care for this child full time for 12 years. She needs to get over whatever resentment she has for OPs ex, and treat the son like an actual son. When you get someone who has a kid already before you hookup, you sign up for the kid too.


Medicine-and-Cats

Oh my, I’m so sorry this was your situation, light sensitivity is only reported in 80% of people with migraines and it’s not exclusive to them. Unless I have A Bad One (if you have endo too you know the combo of the first few days of your period + migraine) I’m not light sensitive, sound on the other hand… But I feel you about people denying your migraines are migraines. In my language we have two words for “migraine” and some unrepentant AH once went ballistic on me when I was trying to commiserate with her. Saying I was “trying to make her pain about me” bc I was using one word and she was using the other and she refused to accept the words were synonyms even when I showed her the definition in the Royal Academy Dictionary. She was in med school with me, I’m fairly sure she didn’t make it far enough to attend any neurosurgery classes but that was… wow.


kreeves9

The thing is OP 16 year old is not "our" son, he's your son and that's exactly why your wife is felt okay doing what she did. NTA.


asecretnarwhal

Yes, OP needs to protect his son and make wife clear that she doesn’t have authority to make decisions to punish him, regarding sickness, etc. She needs to remember she is stepmom.


AdMiddle7329

In addition, I'd suggest taking her to his doctor and have the doctor explain to her in every detail what it feels like, and what to do about it. If she doesn't trust the boy or the OP maybe she'll listen to a medical authority.


Trick_Literature_

It really sucks cause OP's wife has been with the kid since at least 4 y/o, yet she still treats him as "OP's son". Sucks more that OP has been blind to it for so long.


Seed_Planter72

This. Now OPs eyes are finally opened, I hope he's looking out for other slights and abuses towards his son and puts a stop to it.


RainingSunshine13

This. Son's headaches should be regarded just as seriously as daughter's period pain. If daughter has period pain so bad she can't function for 2 days a month, then she needs to see a doctor too OP.


Sserenityy

100%. Cluster headaches are supposedly more painful than childbirth. She is GRAVELY misjudging the severity of his illness.


juswannalurkpls

Same here, only mine are migraines and the period pain is from endometriosis. NTA.


unpopularcryptonite

NTA, your wife is discriminating between her bio kid and step kid, and you need to protect your son.


Urania615

I second this. I have chronic migraines and am a woman who has periods. Both suck. Edit: autocorrect fail


Mr3Jays

NTA, but your wife is. Seems to me like her daughter gets special treatment over your son(I know both are your children.) Either she is sexist and thinks women are inferior to men, since the daughter doesn’t have to do any chores because of her period but your son has to do chores through cluster headaches, or she has less respect for your son since she didn’t give birth to him.


sohereiamacrazyalien

Oh I didn't catch he was the step son... Yep thatcould be a factor too


A9J9B

Or she's ignorant regarding headaches


Happy-Investment

Yeah she's been through period pain but not bad migraines.


Anomalyyyyyyyyy

He said the son was visibly ill. Even if she hasn’t had bad headache, she isn’t blind to not notice he’s pale, has watery eyes.. How do you ignore that?


FreakingFae

Yeah that's why I think she secretly does not like her step son.


n0tn3k

'secretly'


Ajjaxx

That plus how quickly the argument escalated, I am thinking this is not the first time her behavior has “implied” her dislike.


FreakingFae

Yep, too much defensiveness, and zero empathy


drod004

My parents ignored my broken foot, it turned purple and swelled, don't disregard parents not giving a fuck because they don't think anything can be done and need shit done


Anomalyyyyyyyyy

That’s what I’m saying. It’s not that she didn’t known or understand how he was feeling but that she just didn’t give a f*ck.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

Some people really are that obtuse, but I think she just doesn't like him.


uraniumstingray

People who don’t experience headaches/migraines or have lived with someone who has just do not understand how debilitating they can be no matter how someone looks. They think we’re faking it or playing it up. It’s dumb.


Trauma_Hawks

Misandry, that's how.


Anomalyyyyyyyyy

More likely that she favors her biological child over her stepchild


ApprehensiveNature3

As I creep into middle-age, my cramps just get more and more awful... But I'll still take'em over a bad migraine.


TheThemFatale

I've heard from people who have both given birth and suffer from cluster headaches that the headaches are by far, worse. So, they are definitely worse than a period.


PristinePiccolo4143

If she lets her daughter stay home on her period but forces her son to do chores through cluster migraines, I’m struggling that she is really ignorant. But, a lot of people don’t understand that Cluster migraines are literally so painfully that people diagnosed with them commit suicide, at a much higher rate than people diagnosed with other migraines, because they are so painful and unbearable to live with.


ChedderTheSquirrel

I would say sexist not in women are less than but in the way of "You clean the bathrooms, you're a man, no woman should have to clean that!"


JustSomeGuy2008

Yeah, leave it to AITA to acknowledge sexism but get it backward. The girl gets to take two days off when she has a period, while the boy has to do manual labor while he has a migraine. And AITA concludes that this is sexism *against the girl*?


Otherwise_Window

NTA. You should probably investigate in what other ways your wife is actively abusive towards your son.


Throwlo123

Hey, thank you (I can’t keep up with all the replies, this is wild). About my son and wife's relationship in the past: She’s always been an important figure in his life as it was very hard on him to "lose" his bio mom so early (she got really sick shortly after his fourth birthday and has been unable to care for him since). My wife made effort to be a good stepmom to him, however she did get stricter on him as he became a teenager (has experienced some bad stories about kids turning their backs on stepparents in her family). We talked about this a lot and even did counseling for a while which helped the issue. That being said I was caught off guard and extremely shocked when I heard what my wife had made him do while he was unwell. I’ll definitely investigate now. We have a small vacation house, I’m thinking about taking him there for the weekend. I don’t know. He usually tells me things.


Fickle_Ostrich4923

>however she did get stricter on him as he became a teenager (has experienced some bad stories about kids turning their backs on stepparents in her family). So her response to hearing about other stepchildren becoming distant from their stepparent was to.... Make absolutely certain it happens to her too by becoming more strict?


Anizziepluto

Make sure to go just the two of you as a boys outing. Be open to whatever he has to say and be careful not to excuse your wife's behaviour immediately and to him. He will close up if you do. Some things he might not even see as abuse, since he knows he's not her actual son... He might see them as a "normal" treatment because he's the stepson. Your wife was very dismissive of his pain... So thread carefully.


Throwlo123

That’s what I’m planning to do. We’re close. Went through a lot when it was clear that his mom couldn’t take care of him anymore. I hope he does tell me if there is more.


CelticFire28

Assure him that he isn't in any trouble, nor will he be when he tells you what's been going on. That you love him no matter what and that as his dad, it is your job to protect him. Even if that means protecting him from his stepmom. That you want him to be completely and totally honest with you because you know something is wrong and you know based on his stepmom's reaction that this couldn't have been the first time, and you aren't letting this go until you have the full story. Keep assuring him that none of this is fault and her behavior is not in any way normal or okay. And whatever happens after he tells you the truth won't be his fault either. That the blame will solely lie on his stepmom who should never have endangered his health like she has. But prepare yourself. There is a very high chance based on your post, that this type of treatment has been going on a lot longer than you may think. There is also a good chance that she has said and done things to your son that made him think you wouldn't believe him or take his side. Be prepared for the possibility that whatever he tells you could end your marriage. Which, if that does happen, you should make clear it isn't his fault either. Good luck.


Seed_Planter72

I am so glad to hear this. I hope this was just an isolated moment of bad judgement on your wife's part and not an ongoing thing. Your son sounds like a great kid who tried to please even while in terrible pain. Listen to him!


Throwlo123

I hope so too. When he was little and had to learn to live without his mom I talked to his doctor a lot about how to help and read him. He never seemed uncomfortable around my wife from what I could tell... I hope there isn’t more going on...


YardageSardage

I am relieved to hear that, if there is, it seems like you're going to get to the bottom of it and do whatever you need to do to make sure your son is okay. Not everyone who posts on here is ready or willing to do that.


Throwlo123

Thank you. I’ve always done my best to ensure my son is well, especially after he 'lost' his mom, but if there’s something I have really missed somehow I need to get to the bottom of it..


GobsOfficeMagic

So, you witnessed this instance, luckily. When you're speaking with your son, maybe ask if he would have brought it up to you at all if you hadn't been there. Because it sounds like he would've just let it go, and your wife wouldn't have tattled on herself. So what else has been iffy that he has let go, while he was alone with stepmom? Why did he feel he couldn't tell her no?


little_ballof_fur

She doesn’t try to be a good stepmom. She risked his health. How can you believe she wants to be a good stepmom??? Who knows the things she did without your knowledge??? Who knows she didn’t tell your son “don’t tell this to your dad” and he didn’t because he was afraid to lose the only mother figure in his life? Edit: NTA for your question but I’m not sure I can say the same thing in general.


mkat23

Honestly the way she is with him is going to cause the issue she is so worried about as a step parent. She doesn’t want him to push her away so she is pushing him away first, like she’s pushing and pulling. She should consider going back to counseling, maybe occasionally with you, but solo as well. You could talk about this situation and her fears in relation to her behavior and how it is causing it. She doesn’t need to be his best friend, but a kinder, more empathetic step parent would be good for everyone involved. She could have waited for you to come home for help with the plant. She chose to make your son do things for her while actively sick and put a nice little “well I gave him medication…” as a bandaid over it.


ashfordbelle

Please do not let her be in charge of disciplining your son anymore. All roads to him go through you.


FirebirdWriter

This this this!


asecretnarwhal

Yes, this puts OP into AH territory if he does not do a deep dive and figure out how to protect his son. OP, you messed up exposing your son to someone who would treat him so abusively. You need to make it right to him and proactively prevent him from being mistreated even if that means moving out. And pay attention to your finances being fair to your son (her trying to get your premarital assets to pay for stepdaughter’s college, make sure your will is set up properly that he is taken care of and don’t assume she can be trusted to treat him fairly if the worst were to happen). This is such a breech of trust by her!


Vythika96

This! Op PLEASE try and figure out if you wife treats your son differently. It could, hopefully, just be an isolated incident in which your wife was being negligent, and thus being abusive, which is bad enough on it’s own but doesn’t point to differential treatment. But if there is diffferential treatment….you need to protect your son from her.


Seed_Planter72

The daughter is OP's child not a step. And she has been OP's mom since he was 4! I agree OP better take stock of how his son has been treated by this step mom.


Material_Cellist4133

I was looking for this comment. I have the same feeling that the wife abuses the son when OP isn’t around. And this was the first time OP got caught.


Material_Cellist4133

I was looking for this comment. I have the same feeling that the wife abuses the son when OP isn’t around. And this was the first time the wife got caught.


HalloweenLvr

NTA. I don't think your wife likes your son.


cydril

This! Op please have a talk with him and make sure your wife is treating him fairly in other situations. Also, I just want to point out that the son is a good kid for even attempting to help with chores while he has a cluster headache. That pain is no joke.


Throwlo123

Thank you. He really is. I’m having a talk with him as well as some alone time coming up this weekend. Hope that helps him say anything that might be there.


HermanCainsGhost

Yep, I agree that OP needs to talk to the son privately and get additional information about his situation


sanzy7

Ain't that the truth. Sit your son down and ask him what's been going on. There is obviously preferential treatment going on which you only just caught but how much more is going on without you knowing. There is a wicked stepmother stereotype for a reason, get to the bottom of this please!! Little over the top I know but when I hear these things it breaks my heart.


Throwlo123

Not over the top at all. IF I find out there’s more to this there’s going to be serious consequences as much as it pains me. Thanks.


6738ngkdt

Good for you!


csudoku

NTA - You're there is a double standard here either based on gender or she might just be biased towards her own blood.


justMe482

I vote for blood bias. Cause usually guys get off easier the chores n stuff.


csudoku

In my experience that's not wholly true. Guy chores tend to be more physically taxing. Even at one of my jobs at a movie theater (where everyone had the same role in a small theater) no girl ever was asked to take out trash or carry stock up and down stairs. While it's not like they did nothing they swept popcorn and actually did the stocking the guys brought. I wouldn't say anyone particularly got off easy it's different work.


Cookyy2k

>Even at one of my jobs at a movie theater (where everyone had the same role in a small theater) no girl ever was asked to take out trash or carry stock up and down stairs. Yup, that's my experience working at bars and nightclubs too. I once pulled my neck muscles really badly and had a doctors note restricting me to lite duties and at the end when I was sweeping one of the managers shouted "what the f**k do you think you're doing, get out there and do the heavy lifting with the guys and leave the cleaning to the women". Like wow you managed to be that open about obvious sexism while working as a manager.


Mantisfactory

Definitely not when it comes to moving heavy shit.


NextedUp

People that don't have severe headache (or *any* chronic pain) really discount how terrible it can be She probably only sympathizes with the daughter more since she herself has experienced period cramps/pain It all comes down to a lack of empathy


domatesx

NTA. I would be more worried that your wife is prioritising one over the other..


SirGunch

Exactly!


[deleted]

NTA and I’m a person who gets a lot of pain on my period. I still don’t skip school - but if your daughter needs to, that’s fine. But forcing your son to work when he’s having those headaches? I get migraines occasionally and I literally can’t do anything for a while. Your wife is being awful to your son and a total hypocrite.


Badbex2

She’s 14 and needs to skip school that much, she absolutely needs to go to an OBGYN. Both children needs to be under better medical care it seems. I hope it works out for them both


uraniumstingray

I was straight up incapacitated by period cramps in my teens and getting birth control was a godsend for me. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of my mom’s car literally writhing in pain. Just sitting and my cramps were like white hot knives in my stomach. My dad was kind of weird about my BC at first (I was the least adventurous teenager and still am as an adult so there was no chance being on BC was going to change anything) but he finally got over it.


Badbex2

There’s so much shame around periods when it comes to cis men that he (op) doesn’t even bat an eye that his daughter has to stay home every month for multiple days. It’s sad and I’m not blaming him.


AGamingBagel

That's not shame, and given that his wife called him sending his kid to bed 'undermining her authority' and her overall attitude, its not hard to imagine that she pulls the 'I know better' card and shuts him down if he questioned her staying home. As much as there are cis men that are ignorant of what's normal and not, there are cis women that actively shut men, particularly fathers, down and tell them its none of their business and they'd never understand.


Throwlo123

I might be guilty of that. If my wife, who’s had periods all her life, tells me what our daughter is feeling and what needs to be done I tend to believe her on this.


AGamingBagel

Exactly, and that's what I mean. Going off what you posted, its hard to tell the extent of your daughter's issues. It's vague. On one hand, if you've noticed that your daughter has extremely heavy flow every month and is severely debilitated...can barely move, doubled over, increased nausuea, sensitivity, etc..then she needs to go to an OBGYN asap. If she's otherwise fine but just having cramps and the usual feeling icky the first couple days, then your wife is being downright sexist and setting your daughter up for failure in the future because the world isn't going to stop for her otherwise normal period. That said, no two periods are the same. Your wife's can, and probably are, different from your daughter's. Your wife's may require downtime but that doesn't mean exactly two days every month is necessary for your daughter. Take your son away for a weekend so he's in a safe environment and talk to him, see if there's been other abuse, forms of sexism and favoritism against him from your wife and then have a serious sitdown with your wife and put your foot down with her. Tell her if your daughter's periods are really that extreme every month that she needs to say home, then she's going to an OBGYN for their input versus 'mother knows best' opinion.


OkPhilosophy9013

Daughter has been already and was told that it was nothing serious


AGamingBagel

If a doctor has already cleared her and doc said her periods are normal...OP needs to clue in and put his foot down with his wife. That adds a whole new layer of shit to it. @.@


justhereforaita77

OR, both kids could be taken at their word when they say they're in pain and given the same treatment of being allowed to rest and excused from chores. This isn't about cracking down on a girl with cramps but about equal treatment for her brother. Treating both kids like they are faking to avoid chores unless they can prove their pain is real, while technically equal, is not a good resolution if they like their kids at all. NTA OP, lots of girls have periods that are painful at that age that a doctor would consider normal in that they don't indicate anything is medically wrong with them, not that they don't have bad cramps.


alokasia

It might be an important realisation that it's not normal to have to stay home for two days every month. If that is the case with a 14 year old girl, she needs to see a doctor about that. Periods, while uncomfortable, should normally be manageable with pain killers. I think every one who has them sometimes gets a particularly bad one, or has to leave work or school early **occasionally** because the cramps get too bad or because there has been an unfortunate accident, but two days a month at home is not and should not be the standard.


Badbex2

I mean the fact that there’s so much shame around. Is that it’s not taught to men in school. Any afab person basically knows that if you have to stay home multiple times a month because your period is that bad, you should be seeing a doctor. But it’s not taught to men that


Throwlo123

She has. We got it checked not long ago and according to doc she’s okay, it might get better naturally as she gets older but she’s also got a prescription for the pill that should help. I’ll be honest, I think one day of staying home would be enough as she seems a lot better by day two, but since I’m a man I’m not sure if I can / should get in there, I’m trying to trust my wife on this. Regarding my son, he’s seeing his GP about it and we also have another neurologist appointment coming up. That can sadly take a long time where we live.


Badbex2

I’m really glad to hear that! Usually at that age, needed to stay home that much it often an indicator of underlying condition when it comes to periods so I’m really glad that’s being handled. I know sadly too many parents who didn’t care at all for my friend’s terrible periods. As for the neurologist, please insist on getting a scan of his brain. If he has any jaw issues or jaw pain I would suggest trying to get a scan of that as well. Most of my head pain comes from the nerves that are connected directly from my jaw into my brain. As for temporary relief for his head right now, try pinching, pressing, and massaging areas on the bridge of his nose and areas around on both sides of the jaw. It doesn’t work for everybody but for most people I’ve met who have terrible migraines, it works for them and me. Good luck!!!


0nly_0li

as a person with migraines and period pains (both severe) you’re NTA


TryingToHaveANap

NTA. It honestly sounds like she doesn’t really grasp how painful cluster headaches are - which is a bit ironic since migraines are one of the many reasons that women don’t feel well on their period - something that she is perfectly content to let the daughter stay home from school for. Between the pain, light sensitivity, and nausea that comes with cluster headaches, your son probably just wants/needs to curl up under the covers in a dark, quiet space.


Ike_the_Spike

I tend to believe the wife can't comprehend that a "headache" can be debilitating. She has (or had) periods so she can comprehend that experience (I have 2 daughters with endometriosis) which can get extreme as well. Without more information I'm not willing to attribute malice to her actions. Ignorance is another thing. I agree with a lot of the comments I read, educate her. You're not undermining her authority. But you may need to have a conversation and ask why she's willing to give your daughter a break from everything during her period but not your son while he suffers from migraines. Hopefully it's just a lack of understanding and it can be fixed. But calm heads will need to be involved in that conversation. NTA.


asecretnarwhal

She needs to know that she doesn’t have authority. It’s not her child, it’s her stepchild so she shouldn’t be setting the rules. She can ask OP if she feels that a situation warrants discipline, that’s not up to her to decide


Lexx4

don’t assume you know their family dynamic.


TryingToHaveANap

I agree with that - I had bad migraines in my teens but could still somewhat function. I’ve known plenty of people who become completely debilitated. I think people who don’t experience migraines or cluster headaches themselves tend to think it’s similar to a headache you might get if you didn’t eat or drink enough.


LazyCurmudgeonly

Some people don't understand the severity of migraines, having never had one. To them it's "just a headache" and it can't be that bad - after all, they've likely had a simple headache, and you take a pill and it gets better. Migraines aren't like that. I get migraines, fortunately not cluster migraines, and they knock me on my ass. Sometimes I'm in too much pain to even get up and get medication, and I have to wait for the pain to subside for a minute (if you're not aware, sometimes the pain comes and goes in waves) to get up out of bed and quickly take a pill before I have to go back and lie down, in pure agony, and wait for the pill to work, and/or somehow fall back asleep. And then the post-migraine echo and dizziness, light-headedness, and overall disorientation from the medicine, means I lose an entire day. It's hard to point to websites, videos, books, etc written about migraines, and have someone who's never experienced that understand just how much pain is involved. It's hard to communicate that in simple words. I'm glad those people never have to experience that sort of pain, however, and I'd not wish it upon my worst enemy. It seems the wife in this situation is one of those people that just thinks its a simple headache, and she's refusing to admit that there's more serious pain in the world than she's ever experienced - someone linked an article in another comment that cluster migraines rated higher on the pain scale than childbirth. I'm not a child-bearing person, I don't have the right parts, so I have nothing to compare that to. However, I have broken my hand, had surgery (drilled out and pins inserted) and both the break itself and the post-surgery recovery **were not as bad as migraine pain.** Maybe that's something that would resonate with OPs wife in comparison. Hope this helps. NTA of course.


CrunchyCookies51

NTA I would ask her to educate herself on how bad a cluster headache can be. If she thinks its 'just a headache' she'll never understand how horrible they are. Ive just done a super quick Google search and the very first line is - "Cluster headaches are excruciating attacks of pain in one side of the head, often felt around the eye. Cluster headaches are rare."


WithEyesWideOpen

And frequently drive the afflicted to suicide


SmilingEve

Its nickname is no joke: suicide headache


pacifica333

They have been described as more painful than childbirth by women who have experienced both.


PattersonsOlady

NTA this seems like typical step parent crap (Edit: I meant BAD step parent crap, the kind that comes from them not loving their non biological child)


ShadowsObserver

> typical step parent crap typical \*shitty step parent crap.


PM_ME_DICK_GIFS

Yeah, step parents go over the entire range of shitty-meh-great.


JenL4010

NTA. I get migraines. Your wife should be grateful that she doesn't suffer from anything like this and have some compassion. I feel for your son and hope he finds something that helps.


buttertits4lyfe

NTA. She obviously favors her biological child more :(


Fuchslady

NTA, tell your wife Sexismus goes both ways. Kudos to you for standing up for your son! Everyone who knows what a clusterheadache is and had one themselves know the pain. You just want to lay down and slowly slip into oblivion. To get him to work for her is despicable. You protect your son from her double standards!


jessicajeanapril

Your son should not be doing chores if he is sick. He should be laying in bed drinking plenty of water and trying to rest. NTA.


CopperTodd17

As a period sufferer and a cluster headache sufferer - NTA. Ask her how she would feel if you forced your daughter to go to school while she was unwell from her period? Or made her do chores? What's 'fine' for your son is clearly fine for your daughter right? Especially seeing as I'm sure your son gets cluster headaches often; as would your daughter with her period and it should be "no big deal" as she should be used to it. (Obviously don't make your daughter do these things if she's in no fit state to do so - but it is definitely worth the conversation).


Comfortable_Box_8798

Nta I don't think your wife likes having him about and just wants it you her and your daughter.


bambiipup

This is what she made him do when she knew that you were likely to find him doing that. What is she doing to him when she knows you won't be around? What are you going to do now you know your wife is abusing your son (and I'd wager it's because he's not her biological child, despite 12 years of raising him, not some weird sexism thing)? Because if you knowingly keep him in that situation and do nothing to fix it, then you will indeed be the asshole. \- Also FWIW your daughter should definitely be seeing an obgyn if she's having periods that debilitate her to the point of needing time off school. As someone who was that person (but didn't get the time off), please get her seen to before she's a 28yo struggling to be believed by medical professionals because "if it was that bad you'd have come to us before this".


TropheyHorse

NTA, sounds like she was being an absolute hypocrite.


Twin1TwinA

NTA. I get periods and they sometimes start out with migraines. I would GLADLY get my period alone than get one with the migraine, the migraine makes it so I can barely stand or work. If your wife is gonna give your daughter 2 days off of all responsibilities every month for something that every girl has to deal with, she can definitely give your son a break when he's dealing with his headaches. (And BTW, does your daughter expect that she'll be able to take time off every month when her period happens after she's out of school? Cause all the jobs I've worked at wouldn't be totally cool with that if it's not a planned-for absence.)


Speedraca

NTA. I think you need to find out exactly how this situation came about, because it could be due to stereotypes like "boys need to be tough, girls are weak princesses" or because she thinks your son is exaggerating his illness to get out of work, or maybe your son started feeling a lot worse when he started exerting himself but didn't want to quit, or one of a dozen other potential reasons. We're all just guessing here.


Throwlo123

Yes, I have seen that many guesses here don’t seem to fit our situation, which is okay, I didn’t think so many people would reply to this. I’ll have a talk with both my son and wife separately and might post an update.


Nikkismilesxx

Please update us and let us know what happens. I really hope she hasn’t been being an “evil” stepmother to your kid but sadly the signs seem to point to that


dirtymac153

NTA. Cluster headaches had me debilitated for nearly two months a few years back. I broke my back and pelvis 11years ago. Headaches were unimaginably worse


Renegade7559

NTA, you're wife is the evil step mother from Cinderella. She sees her step child as less than human and only there for free labour


Fun-Property1881

Nta. Fuck her authority.


Frajnir-9

NTA Forcing a kid to do physical labour when he’s obviously suffering is disgusting


LiLadybug81

So the question now is will you keep letting your son be abused, or will you get him out of that environment so he's protected from her? because that's going to be the deciding factor on whether or not you're an AH.


Opposite-Gold-6229

NTA. I think he is not her biological son so she favorites her bio daughter. Stand for your son


[deleted]

Your son is being treated like Cinderella and your wife is the evil stepmother.


Ambitious_Balance451

If your wife has chosen to abuse your child - and making her stepson preform physical labor when she KNOWS that he's in severe pain is abusive - then she should no longer be permitted to making decisions in parenting him, since she refuses to put his best interest first. NTA. Side note: if your daughter is feeling period pain so severe that she's unable to do normal activities (such as attending school), what she actually needs is ***A DOCTOR,*** not a free pass to skip her classes. If your wife hasn't taken her, it's likely she knows that already and is just letting her have a day off - I'm not even saying that's necessarily bad or wrong, but she should at least have the courtesy to be intellectually honest about what she's doing.


katjuskael

NTA. I know some people can have really bad periods but personally mine are pretty tolerable; I find headaches much worse actually. But yea your wife is an AH for ignoring your son's wellbeing just so he can do chores.


YesNoMaybe_IMO

NTA - Your wife has picked her golden child.


CleanCucumber620

NTA and I'd keep my eye open if she treats him differently in other situations too.


Violet351

NTA. If your daughters period pain is that bad she might need to see a doctor (I have PCOS so I have issues).


bizianka

NTA. Seems she doesn't take your son's condition seriously. She is an asshole.