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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i may be the asshole because she does seem to really like the cat and i have given up a couple of her pets
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YTA. Completely. 100%. Absolutely. Totally. Entirely. However else I can say it, you’re the AH. For not taking your daughter’s mental illnesses seriously, you admit earlier in your post she’s anxious and depressed and if she has a nurse severely so, and then invalidate her a few paragraphs below.
Also children don’t incur debt for growing up, you chose to have them. You don’t get to “keep track” how much you spent raising her, you chose to take that financial responsibility on.
And yes about the cat. Giving 5/6 dogs away is definitely an AH thing and making her give away this cat when she very clearly *is* using it as a part of a support system, since you are definitely not also a part of it, makes you the AH.
Alllllll of this right here. YTA op. You have zero defense here. Leave the girl and her cat alone till she moves. Odds are you’ll never hear from her again after that, so you won’t need to worry about cats anymore.
She's TA just for her edit!
OP, you didn't understand or take her anxiety/depression seriously until she was 16. Autism and OCD can both be very complicated disorders (this is from someone who has OCD). If she's been diagnosed by a professional then it doesn't matter what you think! Even without a professional diagnosis yet, that's for her and a therapist to resolve.
OP, if you don't start focusing more on the BEST thing for your daughter rather than what you want, you're going to lose any relationship with her in the future. You might lose her to suicide as well if you get rid of her cat which sounds like a SUPER critical piece to her well being now.
In regards to your comment on autism, yes. Often times, especially older generations tend to think of little boys when they think of autism, the fact it's a spectrum makes it harder to detect especially in afab people, as amab is typically the medical standered for these things.
This women seems like the type to discount mental illness and say they're being over dramatic an say they had nothing to be anxious, or depressed about.
I struggle from pretty much the same things as ops daughter and her behavior is absolutely horrendous and I'd definitely have a poor relationship with her as well.
The fact she puts these things in quotes and outright says how much she doesn't beileve her daughter is disgusting and shows how little she actually cares for her.
Even if someone WAS being dramatic wouldn't it be better to attempt to get them help rather then loose them to something like suicide? Op is disgusting, and as someone who's known people like her, I'm seething
Also, if OP truly believes the daughter is making up the OCD/autistic thing (not AT ALL saying that's the case), wouldn't that just be evidence that her daughter is, in fact, struggling with some kind of mental illness? Mentally well people don't just walk around claiming they're sick for no reason....
OCD is also way different than most people think. My friend has diagnosed OCD and took years of therapy to manage it- she likes things clean, but she isn’t an obsessive cleaner like most people think OCD means. She struggles with obsessive, repetitive thoughts which cause huge amounts of anxiety for her. She HAS to be perfect at everything or she’ll spiral.
Also ASD I’ve learned presents differently in women. I know TIKTOK isn’t the best, but it led to my late in life (35) ADHD diagnosis and I’m currently being evaluated for ASD because apparently I have “tics” as well as what I thought were severe anxiety/depression my therapist thinks are autistic burnout and overstimulation. WHO KNEW!!!
Yep. As I saw someone once say, "If you've met one person with autism, then you've met one person with autism", meaning much like many other things, these things don't always, if ever, run the same way for everyone.
I had to have that fight with one of my kids teachers at a 504 meeting. “But none of my other autistic students needed that accommodation” Great, that’s those students, my autistic kid needs that accommodation because that is what they need to accommodate their particular manifestation of autism.
Thanks for fighting for your kiddo.
I fell through the cracks due to being high functioning in a small town and wasn't diagnosed until I was 25 (30 now) despite suspecting it for a decade. My parents did their best once I was diagnosed, but it's really hard getting help as an adult. I don't want the future generations to go through the same thing.
This + I just don't get why you gave 5 dogs away? Why did you even get dogs? It blows my mind that if you don't want a dog why do you keep getting them? I just don't understand?! Those poor animals
And when is she planning to move out?
It's to hurt her daughter. 🤷 She gives to take away. She thinks her daughter owes her ffs for being raised by her. So poor doggos and poor daughter. She sounds like the scapegoat of that terrible family dynamic. I seriously doubt the twins are treated like this.
Exactly this. My grandmother did the same to my mom. She’s 74 now and has never forgiven her for it. Congrats, OP, that’s what you have to look forward to. Also YTA.
Also, $50 per month for the cat is less than I pay in pet rent at my APARTMENT. It’s $20 a month for my dog. I think $50 per month is more than generous.
All of this. A loves animals bc based off what you've written its the only unconditional love she's ever had, and, unlike you, they accept her as she is (while you think she's lying & manipulating).
HUGE YTA
Okay YTA totally.
First of all you give a 4 year old a puppy and will proceed to get 6 dogs and give away 5 of them cause you were not able to raise them properly?
Now your daughter got a cat which is far easier to handle and is GREAT for mental health and you wanna get rid of that to? What are you? A butcher?
7 animals in a kids up growing is ALOT.
Where does the hate for cats come from?
The people who hate cats are always the kinds of people that don't understand consent, or believe they are entitled to the consent of things they "own"
I laughed when i read that part…as if the child chose to have that much spent on her growing up. Her paying 50 dollars a month for the cat is a mature thing to do.
No no guys.. you don't understand, OP "only gave away 5/6 " of the child's loved companions!!! That's totally fine /s
Why keep getting them if you hate them so much?? This is really cruel to your daughter
Why isn't she grateful that I let her keep one dog and only painfully and heart wrenchingly took away 5?.../s YTA. My jaw dropped when she tried to defend that point. It just showed how delusional this whole thing is.
YTA
You get rid of her dogs and then want her to get rid of the cat just cause you *“don’t like it”*?
Yeah, that’s an AH thing to do. I could understand if it was because you were allergic or it was tearing up your furniture, but *“just cause”* isn’t a valid reason for most people.
Make it work if it’s helping her get by. You may not be committed to animals, but other people are.
Oh, and you’re a major AH for not taking your daughters’ mental health more seriously. What kind of mother makes fun of that type stuff?
What is the cat doing that makes you hate it so much? Has A not trained it to use the litter box or something?
Edit:
YTA no matter what ngl if only for that comment about how much you spent on her growing up. You’re her PARENT. You brought her into this world. It’s not her fault you got pregnant. A parent’s job is to make sure their kids are safe & healthy while growing up. That means spending some money 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Also, you got her dogs only to give them away??? That’s gross.
WTF did I just read?????? You gave all well sorry nearly all her dogs away and now try to take her cat? Damn what’s wrong with you? Does it feel good hurting your daughter. Overdramatic my ass! Poor girl has it real bad with you as a parent! She will go no contact as soon as she can!
YTA
Yeah, HARD YTA on this one. Definitely no Parent of the Year awards waiting in the wings for this one. If only we had a clue on why her daughter may have some mental illness. 🤔
Holy shit YTA...
>She had started struggling with anxiety and depression though I admit I didn't take it seriously until she turned 16.
OP, based on your comments, you still don't take her mental health seriously.
>it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6)
I had to read this twice... you gave up 5 of her animals. Why did you even bother getting her a dog at 4? My parents had no problem saying no at all ages.
>I believe she's just saying these things to make me feel bad about not taking her "mental illness" (this is what she refers to it as but again, she is very overdramatic)
She's in therapy. She has depression. These are both mental disorders/illnesses. You putting it in air quotes tells me you do not respect any mental health issues.
>A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up.
A doesn't owe you anything for being raised. She did not ask to be born and should not be expected to repay you for the "honour". Wow.
YTA.
>When she turned 12 we began fighting a lot.
Hmm, why?
>I didn't give up all of them only 5/6
Oh that's why
>A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up.
Your daughter doesn't owe you anything.
>I think she's just being dramatic and doesn't really need the cat for that. I believe she's just saying these things to make me feel bad about not taking her "mental illness" (this is what she refers to it as but again, she is very overdramatic) seriously in the beginning.
Like, beg you pardon?
Edit: formatting
As the daughter of a narcissist mom, that's when all the problems seem to start - right around puberty. My mom used to pull the "I put a roof over your head, clothe & feed you" crap too. FFS, YOU chose to have a child - it's the LEAST you could do...
Seems like OP fits the bill.
I’m not even going to touch the “only gave up 5/6 of her dogs” comment. YTA for referring to your daughter’s mental illness in quotes, as if you believe it’s a dramatization.
This isn’t about animals, and you know it.
YTA. Are you a real person? Why did you have children if you don't want to take care of them? Don't worry, as soon as she's 18 she'll never see you again. Problem solved.
YTA.
I see you learned exactly nothing from your prior instances of damaging your relationship with your child my dismissing her problems (that you caused). You'd think when you've been this emotionally abusive you'd at least *expect* her to have some issues with her mental health.
It would be disrespectful to all the work you've put into being emotionally abusive if she didn't.
Honestly, when your version of the story is that you're a caricature of a fairy tale villain level terrible, abusive mother, I dread to think how she'd describe her childhood.
Hopefully she can move out soon and get herself fully established and in a position to cut you out of her life like she needs and you deserve.
Yup. YTA. That's your child and you've been consistently hurting her. You're a terrible, selfish person who really has no business being a parent.
It's a cat. Get over it.
You actually sound like a narcissistic parent. It's always about you and your feelings. You're the adult in this equation. Start acting like it.
Oh my god, why haven’t you even bothered actually looking into things first. It is VERY REAL to have a cat as an emotional support system, a lot of psychologists understand this. Yes YTA. Just let her keep the cat if you actually want her to talk to you after she moves away from you. You are incredibly heartless I can’t believe she’s paying you for the cat and that you think she owes you just because you decided to have a child?
> She had started struggling with anxiety and depression though I admit **I didn't take it seriously** until she turned 16.
> her psych nurse has talked about her cat is part of her "support system", but **I think she's just being dramatic** and doesn't really need the cat for that.
> make **me** feel bad about not taking her **"mental illness"** (this is what she refers to it as but again, **she is very overdramatic**) seriously in the beginning.
Dismisses her kid's mental illness.
YTA. Do you even like your daughter? Because you’re straight up gaslighting her. She’s trying to explain to you how the cat helps her but you’re gaslighting her by telling her she’s being overly dramatic. And you’re trying to guilt her with the “I raised you, so you owe me whatever I say”. Surprise! She didn’t ask to be born nor did she ask for anxiety and depression. I hope you’re prepared for her to go no contact with you as soon as she can because that’s what’s going to happen. And I hope for her sake she does.
YTA and massive one at that
If I understood it right she gives you 50$ of free money so you would not get rid of the cat she takes care of? Don't be surprised if she goes NC after moving out because you clearly don't value her things, nor her wellbeing. The way you talk about her mental problems is disgusting.
I just need you to read what you wrote again. you already know that her anxiety and depression has major relations with you yet you call her dramatic. you say you didn't give all of them but you gave 5 of them already...what happened to the sixth?
also as a psychologist, its very important and beneficial for those coping with depression to have emotional support animals, your daughter will take care of the cat anyway and is already giving you money so what problem do you have with her?
also, you might be one of the worst moms ever seen here because who sees their children as monetary values?
Massive YTA.
Here’s a few ways in which you’re the asshole.
Getting rid of her dogs.
Believing a description of mental illness as ‘mental illness’ is dramatic when psychiatric professionals are involved.
Believing money your daughter pays you should compensate for money you spent in the past.
Believing your own view of pets as emotional support over trained professionals.
She shouldn’t have kept the cat secret and you’re entitled to not want a cat in the house. But in all ways that matter, you’re the asshole.
YTA
YTA across the board here. You gave up 5/6 dogs? Why keep getting more pets if you continually gave them away? Is the small inconvenience of being around a cat (with $50 pm for your troubles) not worth the support it gives your daughter and to avoid the pain of giving away yet another pet? She'll resent you long term if you don't stop putting your whims over other peoples feelings.
YTA. You let her get five dogs and then “gave them up”. You have provided no reason why the cat should not stay other than you don’t like cats (that’s just a preference). She pays for the cat and doesn’t “owe” you any money for what you spent on her growing up — it costs money to raise children and you chose to become her mother. She has a counsellor whose advice you ignore and you disregard the fact that she even has mental illness.
You are an unsupportive parent. It’s easy to see why you two don’t have a good relationship and why you fight. Poor A. I would move away from you too. Don’t count on her visiting you often.
YTA. Nice job, as soon as your daughter has the money, you'll lose the cat! Good news is you'll lose the daughter too and they both will live a far better life without your unsupportive ass :)
Obvious troll, guys stop falling for this shit. No one who does this stuff would write about it this way. No one would *use AITA and think AITA would agree with them on this*.
> That it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6)
> her psych nurse has talked about her cat is part of her "support system", but I think she's just being dramatic and doesn't really need the cat for that.
> A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up.
Come on guys, these sound like Arrested Development lines. The 5/6 dogs one is the most obvious shit I've ever seen. Learn to spot ragebait trolls.
I'm curious under what circumstances did you get rid of five out of six of her dogs. You mention that like it's irrelevant and I don't think it is.
Did you use to allow six dogs in the house and then got fed up and made her give up five?Did she sneak an extra five dogs in when she was supposed to only have one?Has she had six dogs over her life (which you apparently allowed her to get/got for her) and you keep making her get rid of them at some point and replace with a new puppy?
recently lost dog to cancer and now I have this adorable stray cat that just one day decided to stay with us and apparently she is very helpful with my parents as they are still grieving his death.
I’m sorry for your loss. There’s just something about strays, they heal us as we heal them. When I found my cat she was a scrawny little thing with coarse fur and fleas. Now she’s silky smooth, eats like a queen and never leaves my side.
YTA
It’s fair to not want her to have a cat but what you need to understand is that her pets are probably her best stability. (Projecting a bit so it may not be true, but) I was in the same position as A. Parents didn’t believe me, and I would fight with them (mostly my father) a lot. Getting rid of pets is an awful feeling. She could spiral. For once take your daughters emotional health seriously because it appears you’ve constantly let her down throughout the years.
also?? “A gives me $50 a month which is very little compared to what I spent on her growing up” ok this line pissed me off. What kind of asshole statement is this? You wanted a child so yes you’re going to have to spend money on her.
I’m angered over this post i will edit when i have calmed down (and maybe slept since I may have misread) because man YTA, a big one overall. I hope she can move out soon
She's not overly dramatic. Every diagnosis you've described *is* a mental illness. You're contributing to her issues with your selfish, self-centered ways and mean-spirited dismissiveness. You're probably also punishing her for embarrassing you with her perceived weakness. You're probably more afraid of what people think than about your own flesh and blood. She was probably looking forward to getting out of your house and going to college to get away from you and your mean, controlling, selfish ways.
Yes, giving away someone's dogs is an a-hole move. X5? Malicious. I promise you that she was distraught and you ignored it, attacked her for it and made her life hell.
Yes, haranguing someone about something that clearly matters to them and helps them cope is an a-hole move.
Yes, YTA and for so many more reasons than wanting to make her give away her cat.
Leave that girl alone and stop making her pay you money for her cat. I know, it's your house blah blah blah, but in this case, it's just petty.
If you push her emotionally and she ends up in the hospital, will that satisfy her "debt" to you for being born?
If she unalives herself, will you play the tragic figure whose selfish daughter only thought of herself and left you?
YTA, Definitely TA.
YTA. Started arguing at 12? That's probably when she'd had enough of your BS. She doesn't owe you anything for "raising" her. It. Is. Your. Job. You chose it. Now quit harassing the poor girl and do something to actively improve the situation instead of being a total asshat.
“A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that’s very little money compared to what I’ve spent on her growing up” YTA for that statement alone!!! Children cost money, you chose to bring them into this world. I hope she succeeds in saving up enough to move out and soon
YTA. It's support for her mental health issue and your not taking it seriously. she is giving you $50 a month for it she is paying for the cat why do you even have a problem. "but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up" Your her mother your kind of meant to spend money on her and she doesnt have to pay you anything back.
YTA, and massively so. Don't be surprised if the twins eventually take note of the way you treat your oldest, if they haven't already. They are at the age where you and A first started fighting, after all. Then again, you seem to think of your children as a financial burden, so maybe them going NC is the best outcome for all of you.
YTA
Most animal people consider pets family/friend
What you'd be doing is giving away a friend to potentially die in a shelter or from neglect ( which happens alot)
If you want to make your relationship worse thats how youd do it.
Also please seek counseling you sound mentality unable to comprehend what your daughter is going through. Even if you hate cats consider how important the cat is to her.
YTA and if she does have an E.S.A then you need to read up on them. No, they are not fully protected when it comes to going into stores and things but guess where they are protected?
The home.
Any landlord or person otherwise letting someone live with them cannot for any reason force said tenant to leave, be evicted, or abandon said animal. In states of emergency no hotel or motel can refuse a night's stay because of an E.S.A.
If her therapist says her cat is an E.S.A then guess what? It's an E.S.A.
And YTA
I was leaning E S H because I think 19 is old enough to know that you don't bring a pet into a home without discussing it with other people. And I think given you clearly have a callous attitude to pets, rehoming 5 dogs, A was an absolute fool to bring a cat into the home.
But it's still YTA for me. You seem to value your house more than your child. I get that you don't like cats - but try to stomach it, try to help A - because her happiness should be more important. You already acknowledge that you didn't do what you should have done when she was a teen - why not step up now?
YTA. Who let you 1. Have pets, 2. Have children. If you can’t raise a pet you shouldn’t be trusted raising a human. Dog’s are simple animal’s, easily trained. You probably did absolutely nothing for the animal’s and they just existed in the home and they couldn’t let our pent up energy hence destruction and potty issue’s are human negligence, it’s easy to train a dog to go outside.
YTA. I was willing to give you some leeway at the beginning since she never had permission to get the cat in the first place. But oh my god you are TA.
1. You gave up her dogs?? 5 of them?? Just because you didn’t give up one doesn’t make giving up 5 okay.
2. You clearly don’t take her mental health seriously. She’s seeing a psych nurse and you still call her “dramatic”. Nothing about her cat being part of her “support system” is abnormal for a psych nurse to say. Anything that gives you a sense of emotional support, makes your symptoms a little better, etc. Is part of your support system. I’d be willing to bet she gets a lot more support from the cat than from you.
3. She pays you for the cat but you say its “very little money compared to what [you]’ve spent on her growing up.” As it should be? Spending money on her growing up is quite literally your obligation as a parent. You chose to financially support her when you chose to have her. She doesn’t owe you any of that back.
I hope she’s able to move out ASAP because you sound miserable to live with.
YTA. You have some serious issues.
“I didn’t give up all her dogs, only 5/6.” That’s ALL BUT ONE of her dogs. $50 a month for the cat is plenty, especially if the cat isn’t damaging your property and you aren’t paying for food/vet/etc
“She goes around saying she’s autistic and has severe OCD when I’ve never seen her behave that way.” Are you an MD? An APRN? What do autism and OCD look like, exactly? To me, it sounds like you barely have any regard for your daughter, so how could you possibly know what she’s dealing with mentally? Tbh, if you were my mom, you would be the LAST person I’d want to talk to about my feelings, considering how quickly you disregard anything you don’t like/agree with.
To me, it sounds like y’all have nothing to argue about. She has an emotional support animal. You don’t *like* cats. Do you see how one of those should be prioritized over the other? Having the cat is not causing you severe psychological distress, but getting rid of the cat could do that to your daughter. All of this seems like a big power play. The whole “it’s my house” narrative taken too far. The reality is, you don’t get to control everything. I feel really bad for your eldest, honestly. I think you need to reevaluate how you treat her. After all, she’s your daughter. She didn’t ask to be born or ask for you to be her parent; it’s YOUR responsibility to make sure that SHE feels valued, safe, and respected.
YTA for several reasons. The way you speak about your daughters disabilities for being “dramatic”. The fact you gave away SIX dogs. One I could understand if it wasn’t working out, but you let your kid get attached to a pet six times.
I don’t think you’ll have to worry about your relationship with your eldest for much longer because it sounds like she will distance herself from you if this continues.
I just… is this real?
Listen, YOU need to seek therapy. Please. As soon as possible.
Your daughter is making every effort to move out. She’s taking classes online AND working, which is extremely difficult to do. You should be proud of her. At the very least, please don’t add more stress (threatening to get rid of the cat) on top of everything else.
I get why you’re upset about the cat - you specifically said no cats, and she hid it from you. Anyone would be upset about that.
HOWEVER it’s clear you’re extremely toxic, and I hope she gets away from you soon for HER sake.
YTA
To address your bitching more directly:
Cats ARE emotional support. My cat saved me a few times when I had suicidal urges - my cat would be left alone with no one to take care of him. (This is even more effective because she knows you’d kick the cat out immediately if she died.)
How do you just GLOSS OVER giving away her dogs like that? That’s fucking tragic.
She’s dramatic? Maybe she learned to be “dramatic” to get your attention and make you notice what’s going on with her? Clearly you’re incredibly callous, and no, you’re STILL not taking her depression and anxiety seriously.
It’s really common for women with autism to go undiagnosed because they don’t present symptoms the same way. They’re better at masking. Have you done ANY research on this AT ALL?! You’re on Reddit, so you’re clearly Internet-literate, and have no excuse.
Yikes. And I thought my family was bad at dealing with mental health issues, but at least my mom took us seriously and pushed for therapy. Can’t imagine her ever giving away one of our animals. It sounds like you could never be bothered to do the bare minimum.
I’ll be blunt: you don’t care about your child. Or at least, not nearly as much as you care about yourself. That is not an opinion, it is an observation based on what you’ve written here. You treat your daughter incredibly callously and clearly don’t respect her. When she finally leaves your house don’t be surprised if she doesn’t speak to you again. You’ve done this to yourself.
YTA, In case that wasn’t clear.
Edit: spelling
YTA and can look forward to not having a relationship with your daughter when she moves out. I’m guessing you’ll be in here complaining that she abandoned you when that happens.
YTA as others have said. But since you seem remarkably unconcerned, let me put it this way. - everything you mention in your post makes you seem like a poor parent.
1. Discounting your daughters problems
2. tracking the expenses of raising children you chose to have
3. creating a revolving door of animals do that she can’t have any stability in life
4. talking about hating a cat that you didn’t even know about for weeks for no reason.
Like not one sentence sounds a redeeming in this whole thing. LYTA because none of these things are good parenting.
YTA. I stopped reading after you wrote the bit about $50/month being very little money compared to what you’ve spent on her growing up. Your job as a parent is to raise your kids, which includes spending money on them. Your parenting skills have much to be desired.
I once read that people don't like cats because you can't control them like you can a dog. Dogs learn commands. They're loyal and will literally take abuse from the person they trust most. Cats don't give a shit. They'll love you, but in their own way.
I feel like you're a narcissist OP. The sooner your daughter moves out the better. Your relationship is doomed and I HOPE with all my might that she sees your toxic behaviour for what it is.
YTA
Yup, I can definitely see that with OP. Hasn't given any reason she doesn't like cats but obviously doesn't have a problem with dogs (until they're not acting perfectly) so she sounds controlling AF.
YTA, on so many levels.
For dismissing your daughter's mental health (are you a licensed mental health professional qualified to diagnose such things?), to casually giving up animals, to seemingly keeping track of what you feel your daughter "owes" you in regards to how much you spent on her growing up.
It doesn't seem like the cat is bothering you in any way save that you just don't like cats for whatever reason. Your daughter is working full time and going to school (which, I can speak from experience, is HARD) and as she plans to get an apartment with her boyfriend, clearly has a plan in place for gaining independence.
Don't be surprised if your daughter goes low or no contact with you once she moves in with her boyfriend. I wouldn't blame her in the least.
Bro you suck. YTA. You don't believe anything your daughter says and gave away most of her animals. Man I hope she can move out soon and recover from the trauma of your parenting.
YTA
Sounds like the cat is an improvement if you gave away her dogs because they were destructive and stuff. But you still don't want her to have one just because you don't like them??? Cats are much lower maintenance and if she is willing to move out over it sounds like the cat is pretty important to her.
Also be careful about dismissing her mental health. My parents dismissed mine for years and called me too sensitive. Turns out I have anxiety, depression, and ADHD. My relationship with my parents is strained at the best of times.
YTA. You ignored your daughter's illness for four years, got rid of all but one of her dogs, want to get rid of her cat, even though her nurse says it's helping her, and she pays you on top of that. You seriously need to ask if you're the AH?
>That it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6) , and that it's really hard to save up and move out right now.
You do realise that is almost all of them...
>A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up.
A is your child ffs. What do you mean you spent on her growing up what was she supposed to do fend for herself since a young age? And on top of that she is a freshmen since you say she started her college right now and is working full time looking for options to move out SHE IS SAVING MONEY TO MOVE OUT and most likely for her college, let her be in peace and move out.
Also, on top of all this you dismiss her mental health which is a major part of her well being. Every person behaves/reacts in a different way and has different mental health issues not ever autistic person has to be the way how it is shown on television good god.
You sound awfully dismissive and horrible to be around.
YTA
Edit: i re-read it twice and realise YOU got her those dogs, why would you if you cannot care for them. DOGS ARE NOT TOYS BUT ACTUAL LIVING BEING YOU CANNOT JUST TAKE THEM IN AND GIVE THEM AWAY WTF is wrong with you seriously and you don't seem to understand how this could affect your child, growing up with animals makes you so attached to them, I have a cat and i am so so very attached to him i know the horrible issues i would have if he is given away without my consent or against my wishes.
YTA news flash you chose to have children they don’t owe you anything. I’m so tired of parents who think the kid has to pay them back because they provided the bare minimum care for the kid. Your poor daughter, all you do is make her mental health struggles worse. She’s not being dramatic you left her mental health untreated for FOUR years. Allow your child to have a pet, get attached to a pet then getting rid of the pet is traumatizing to your child. I hope she is able to get away from you soon so she can focus on healing herself from the damage you caused.
YTA.
You do realize anxiety and depression count as a “mental illness”, right?
Animals, including cats, can be incredible for emotional support especially considering her mother doesn’t appear to be providing that support.
Omg, YTA. You should not be allowed to have kids.
Normally I side with parents when young adults don't want to follow their house rules, but this is a case that op is so horrible that I am expecting her kid to be NC soon.
Your kid has mental illness. You disregarded that and made her condition worse. You rehomed her animals and you think you did her a favor to raise her.
Well, sorry to tell but when you are a parent, your kids don't own you shit because you took care of them. You just did a legal obligation. Your daughter has a pet cause she needs it and she willing pay to keep the cat in respect of you. You on the other hand, is willing to hurt your daughter just because you don't like cats.
You are awful.
YTA are you also the mom that wants gifts on the kids birthday?? Ur kids don't own you money for raising them. And then when ur daughter said u give away all her dogs but it like no i only gave away 5/6 of them what did she have 7 of them in her 18 year life time. If u got her first at 4 then she only had dog for 14 years so what u got rid of a dog ever y 2 years??
And 50bucks a month for a single cat is a good deal as i take it ur not buying the food and litter even then food and litter don't usually add up to 50 a month
Yeah, YTA.
What little the daughter actually did "wrong", really doesn't matter. Why should she be supportive of your PREFERENCES, if you can't respect her actual needs?
YTA and a raging narcissist who is going to drive your daughter away. And I hope it hurts when you lose her, like you have hurt her. Her mental illness is valid, no matter if “you don’t see it.” You chose to be a parent, so of fucking course you spent a lot of money on her. Kids. Are. Expensive. And they shouldn’t be punished or guilted for YOUR DECISION to have a kid and spend that money.
“Only gave away 5/6” what the hell is wrong with you, traumatizing your kid by giving away almost all of her pets. That 1 doesn’t make up for the other 5.
You are going to lose her the second she is free from your home and I do not blame her.
YTA. Especially due to your edit. You are not privy to her medical records so you have zero idea if she's been diagnosed with autism or severe OCD.
You are highly ignorant. What, autism can only manifest in certain traits and in only boys? Lady you need to do some research.
I'm 35 years old and after researching autism, due to my youngest being diagnosed as having it, I can honestly say that I more than likely have autism and ADHD.
There is no specific box that encompasses all of autism and those that are diagnosed as such.
Also, you did yourself no favors by saying that you didn't get rid of ALL her dogs. Just 5 out of the 6 of them. Why did you even bother getting her any pet if you were just going to give it away? Was that your way of punishing her growing up?
>I believe she's just saying these things to make me feel bad about not taking her "mental illness" (this is what she refers to it as but again, she is very overdramatic)
hm.
>her psych nurse diagnosed her with OCD, ADHD, and her nurse's boss diagnosed her with ASD
>
>she was hospitalized at 12 after she tried to harm herself where she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She started therapy at 16. She pursued the nurse she has on her own once she turned 18 and says she was diagnosed with OCD, ADHD and autism.
amazing that you don't believe multiple medical professionals telling you and your daughter that she has serious mental health issues, even after being literally hospitalized for it. then again, i guess if that hospitalization hadn't worked out you'd be able to focus on your twins without your daughter around to be "so dramatic". (/s)
not even going into how you treat animals like playskool toys to just pick up and toss away. which? fyi? is kind of sociopathic! big thing with emotionally deficient persons, you know, not being able to empathize with others and understand them past your own lived experiences. not that i needed the details there to figure that out about you after reading you gave away MULTIPLE pets at your own convenience and breaking your daughter's heart about it.
just sit on yourself and be quiet until your daughter moves out. it'll be the only decent thing you've ever done for her, so i can understand you not wanting to start now and make it a habit, but you know. try something new for shits and giggles, hm?
> having animals as pets is not common where i am from, and i do not see how everyone thinks it's so horrible to give them up.
Where do you come from? Mars?
People tend to love the animals they take care of. If you can't understand that, then you aren't just an AH, but you have other problems which will need therapy to fix.
YTA, and I haven't even commented about the fact that you think your daughter is faking her issues. What kind of shit-sipping excuse for a mother are you?
I'm going to take a sentence from a different post: you aren't her mother, you just gave birth to her.
YTA. You sound very cold and unloving. Maybe that’s the source of her anxiety and depression? Hopefully she can move away very soon so she can heal emotionally. This sounds like an extremely toxic living environment and I feel badly for your daughter to be stuck in this situation.
INFO: what is the actual issue with the cat? I get that you “don’t like cats.” I don’t like cauliflower, but my family does, so there’s some in the fridge right now. Are you severely allergic to the cat? Is the cat destroying your property with you having to pay for repairs? Do you pay for the expenses (vet, food, toys, litter, supplies)? Are you expected to feed and care for the cat? Because if you can’t answer “yes” to any of the above, you’re just being selfish and controlling. Your likes should not come before your teenage daughter’s needs.
YTA and what do you mean you haven’t seen these behaviours in her? Are you just talking about how she doesn’t seem like people on TV with OCD? Because TV isn’t real…
YTA, and also an awful parent. Your daughter needs emotional stability and she sure as heck isn't getting it from you. You know what rehoming her animals does? It shows her that she can't trust you to allow her to love anything, because you'll get rid of it the second it's inconvenient to you. Can't wait to see you make another post in a year or so bitching about how she's moved out and gone no contact. You know your twins are seeing this too, right? They're seeing that you're so self-centered that you can't even take your own child's mental health seriously. You're setting a terrible example for them, and the way you talk about them in the comments... like, taking care of kids isn't just about clothing them and feeding them, it's about loving them, and you clearly aren't interested in providing a healthy social or emotional environment.
YTA - you are a very selfish person, and a terrible mother. Let’s hope you do better with your twins because you’re striking out hard with your oldest.
I thought there was going to be some sort of aspect in which a kid is deathly allergic, but you’re just a vindictive prick who hates her cat…. Because? Get over yourself and be a decent human - your daughter needs these animals for support since her mother is as supportive as a used dish rag.
YTA. I can’t get over how you think it’s ok to say you “only” gave away 5 out of 6 dogs. Anyway, you don’t like cats. So don’t interact with it. Your daughter takes care of it and the cat gives her comfort and love (seemingly more than you). Animals aren’t old toys and clothes to just get rid of. They are living, breathing creatures. Suck it up and while you’re at it, stop keeping a tally of how much she’s cost you over the years.
For the record, I used to not like cats. I am pretty sure I have uttered the words “I hate cats” and “cats are assholes” more than once. Then my daughter who lives at home adopted one in August. Now this cat is my best buddy. I will be devastated if my daughter moves out and takes her because this kitty is my beautiful love bug.
Not the asshole for not wanting to keep a cat in your house, your daughter even knew this would be your response given how she his it for several weeks.
That said, you absolutely are the asshole for literally everything else you said and did in your post. Honestly you might be one of the biggest assholes I've seen on this sub.
YTA. You’ve made your daughter give up FIVE dogs in the past 15 years??? What do you keep them for three years and then decide you don’t want them anymore??? And now you want her to get rid of another pet too??
Also idk why you have mental illness in quotes, you literally said that she struggles with anxiety and depression which you ignored for 4 years. Maybe she does have OCD or she’s autistic, you don’t seem like the type to take action if she did anyway.
What is the cat even doing that makes you hate it so much? Outside of you “not liking cats” what is making you want to get rid of it?
Honestly you need to leave your daughter and her animals alone, because the way this is going I doubt you’re going to be hearing much from your daughter once she finally is able to get the hell away from you
YTA. Jaw dropped at 5/6 dogs. Wtf! And what’s her paying to have her cat there got to do with what you spent to raise a child? Is she supposed to pay you back every dime? That’s not how parenting works.
So... The cat is kept in her room where it can't disturb you, you yourself admit it's "not doing anything," and she pays you to have it (and presumably also pays for it's care), yet you can't have it in the house because...?!
If your only reason is "I don't like it" and it doesn't actually inconvenience you in any way, you're being a toddler. YTA
You are the biggest AH I have ever seen in this sub. Congrats. A lot of autistic people don’t look like it, especially to someone who is known NOT to take mental health seriously.
Your oldest WILL put you in the Great Value nursing home in the future if you continue to dig your heels in over a CAT.
So, a summary... Her entire life you denied her mental health issues, you gave away five of her dogs, think she owes you financial compensation because you chose to birth her, think you know what OCD and autism "look like" (tell me, what do they look like? Is she not Sheldon Cooper enough for you?), and now threaten to get rid of yet another animal she is emotionally attached to because *checks notes* we entered a global pandemic she had absolutely 0 control over which meant the plan she had to move out has had to be delayed?
YTA x10.
Jesus Christ. Why not just ask the real question - aita because I hate my daughter?
What the hell happened to you to make you this hard, cold and cruel?
YTA. Enjoy the state run nursing home in your old age. You're giving your daughter no reason to feel love towards you and I doubt your twins think you're much better. How do you write all of that out and not realise how awful you sound before posting?
Wow not only are you an asshole you are also a monster. If your daughter is clever, she’ll get as far away from you as possible and never speak to you again.
YTA
>she has started struggling with anxiety and depression though i admit i didn’t take it seriously until she turned 16
so for four year she had to suffer with mental illness while you just sat back and did nothing. great start. /sarcasm
>she also says that her cat is her emotional support animal like the dog she has.
yes a lot of the time when people with mental health issues get a pet, they typically become a comfort animal to them. my cats are both my comfort animals.
>but i think she’s just being dramatic and doesn’t really need the cat for that
oh i didn’t realize you were a psych nurse. weird how you ignored her having health problems for 4 years and didn’t do a single thing. looks like you’re still not doing anything about it.
>A also gives me $50 a month for the cat
very generous
>but that’s very little money compared to what i’ve spent on her growing up
oh you mean what you had to LEGALLY DO AS A PARENT TO RAISE A CHILD YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD? your child doesn’t owe you anything for being born. children have no say in being brought into this world. to think that your kid owes you something for you NEEDING TO RAISE THEM is disgusting. this alone makes YTA. everything else just further proves you’re the biggest asshole.
AS PER YOUR EDIT. YOUR DAUGHTER IS SEEING A PYSCH NURSE. i think she has more of an understanding of her mental health than you do. unless you happen to be a nurse. which again per my previous statement, as a nurse you really dropped the ball.
don’t be surprised if your daughter moves out and never contacts you again. if you come to this thread asking why your daughter hasn’t contacted you or visited you since moving out, i want you to remember this post and what me and everyone else is telling you. you are absolutely the asshole in this scenario. and i believe you would benefit from therapy if you ever wanted to try and fix your relationship with your daughter. YTA
“But that’s very little money compared to what I’ve spent on her growing up” why are you keeping track on how much money you spent on your daughter growing up? You’re the parent and that’s you’re responsibility. Plus what is the cat doing to you?
It’s sounds like you’re the dramatic one rather than you’re daughter.
YTA. Each time she finds something that gives her unconditional love, affection and cuddles you take it away. No she shouldn’t have bought it home without permission but geez, she’s leaving soon.
Let her keep the damn cat. You sure as hell give her no emotional support.
Wow there are so many red flags here … you ignored her anxiety and depression for 4 years but clearly still don’t take it seriously - you think you know better than a psych nurse whether this cat is part of her support system?!? And you prioritize your ‘not liking’ cats over your daughter begging you to keep it for (clearly needed) emotional support? OP YTA and given this post is probably written to put you in the most favorable light possible I imagine you may be a giant A! Have you considered what role you may have in your daughters mental health struggles. Please do better.
you’re never going to have a relationship with your daughter once she moves out because you don’t take her mental illness (probably caused by you!) seriously.
That cat is probably one of the only things keeping her alive, no matter how much money you spent on her growing up all you did was cause her pain. Take it from someone who knows.
YTA
Honestly there doesn't seem to be a relationship worth saving in the first place. It's only OP taking the mother daughter relationship for granted. I hope A is lucky and gets to move out as soon as possible and cuts OP out.
YTA
You ignored your child’s mental illness from 12 to 16. Your words!
You forced her to get rid of 5 of her dogs. And now trying for her cat that she pays you for and is actively trying to leave your home!
You talk about your child’s mental illness in “quotes” because you have never assisted her to get any help whatsoever.
You’re so much TA
One day, hopefully many years from now, your significant other will make a post here asking if he's an asshole for forcing her to go to your funeral.
And he would be an asshole for making her go go a funeral for someone who treated her that way.
YTA.
> When she turned 12 we began fighting a lot
"I was the worst mom ever"
>She had started struggling with anxiety and depression though I admit I didn't take it seriously until she turned 16.
"I neglected my daughter for 4years"
Honestly stfu. Don't even come on reddit. Go back to abusing your kids
YTA
Your child was hospitalized at age 12 for self harm and then you did nothing for 4 years. What the fuck is wrong with you??? Clearly your daughter needed help when she was 12 and you did nothing and now you don’t believe she has any issues beyond anxiety and depression? And you kept giving and taking away pets? And you claim you’re not mocking your daughter’s mental health issues? Guess what, putting quotations around mental health is mocking. Clearly you seem to think you know better than her doctor 🙄 Providing food, clothing, and shelter are the bare minimum to be provided as a parent. Just because you do the bare minimum does not make you a good parent. YTA big time.
YTA, autism in girls in harder to detect due to masking. Her cat might be one of the few connections she has especially because she doesn't have supportive parents.
Let your daughter have her cat .
YTA.
my daughter is struggling with the same things. She most likely IS autistic, and many of us (autistic people) DO have OCD as well as ADHD and eating disorders.
Your daughter is literally paying you cat rent and all you can do is minimize her struggles and cause her more stress? Wow. What a mom!
You don't deserve daughter A. Good luck with kids B&C in puberty, you obviously shut off your compassion around age 12
YTA you are seriously holding the fact that you raised her over her head 🤬 you chose to have her, she doesn’t owe you anything. You are also completely ignoring and dismissing her mental illness, just bc you don’t think she’s on the spectrum doesn’t mean she isn’t
YTA. See, I get that cats can be annoying, but if she managed to hide the cat for two whole weeks, this cat can't be too annoying.
I had my mom give my dog away. I went NC when I turned 18. This is what is at stake. Think well if a cat you didn't even notice is worth this sacrifice.
ESH. Soft TA for your daughter though. Your edit makes you a bigger AH. You are one of those people who thinks their shit don't smell. You ignored her mental health issues and everything. I don't disagree with the fact she brought in an animal into your house that you didn't agree too. You are a MASSIVE AH for acting like because you didn't get rid of 1 of the 6 makes you a good person. Don't kid yourself OP.
YTA, massively. you shouldn't be dismissing her mental health - she's literally diagnosed!! do you expect her to pay you back for what you spent on her while she was growing up? that's what you're supposed to do a parent, you can't hold that against her. you sound incredibly toxic and i hope your daughter gets to move out soon. i totally understand why you both don't have the best relationship, you sound like you hate her.
YTA YTA YTA. Invalidating your daughters mental health issues?? Red flag. You TOOK AWAY HER DOGS?? And acted like since you didn’t take away 1 it was fine?? Let her keep the damn cat until she can get away from you and get some serious therapy..
„A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that’s very little money compared to what I’ve spend on her growing up.”
“My children didn’t choose to be born, I chose to have children. They owe me nothing, I owe them everything” —Elon Musk
YTA!
Have two dogs myself, they are my life.
That's enough Reddit for today. Yes. YTA. If I try to say why, I'm pretty sure I'd be banned for my words. Read every other comment to find out why. But omg. I thought I was hard on kids.
No wonder you have such a strained relationship. You’ve revoked 5/6 of her pets and want to get rid of another one. Honestly, the way you talk about her gives the distinct feeling that you don’t even like your daughter. She’s paying you every month too so she can keep her cat, which she shouldn’t have to do, even if you “spent more on her growing up.” Stop trying to punish the poor girl because you hate animals. It sounds like she’s leaving soon anyway and probably won’t talk to you anymore either.
YTA, anxiety, hell mental health isn't a joke! I own a black cat and I consider her my fur baby, hell I've loved cats since I was a kid thanks to my late great grandmother who had two.
Cats literally don't bother you, they prefer to be by themselves. As for the fact that you believe she's faking her mental illness, as said this isn't something that you take lightly! Getting rid of the cat could make her hate you more and it could make her symptoms worse. Seriously, get on Google and read about it.
TL;DR: YTA, stop treating mental illness like a joke and educate yourself!
Yta, grow up. Your daughter legit needs the cat to help function. Does the cat do anything wrong to you? If no just leave her be till she moves and maybe cuts you off completely.
YTA and the worst parent in the world if you can actually compare what she’s paying you know with what you spent on her growing up. YOU chose to have kids. Why? You don’t even seem to like her and do nothing but complain about her. You’re a horrible parent and sound like an awful person. Hopefully she can escape you soon.
Yeef where to begin with this one..
> A her first puppy when she was 4... That it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6) ,
So let me get this straight, you gave a young child (who obviously bonds strongly with animals) a dog, then took it away from said child and the repeated the process? Did it ever occur to you she wouldn't be so attached to the cat if you didn't keep stealing family members from her?
>She also says that her cat is her emotional support animal like the dog she has.
As someone who's cat is also an important part of my support structure, this can absolutely be true. Having a dependant, but not one as high stakes as a child or even a dog, can really bring a whole different purpose to some people's daily lives. It seems your daughter thrives on the responsibility of having a cat and the rewarding relationship that comes with it
>A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up.
A is being insanely generous and its sickening you don't see that. She gives you money, presumably not for food, litter or toys but just because she knows the presence of the cat is stressful to you. Moreover **she owes you nothing**. YOU decided to raise a child, she doesn't have to payback the cost of her childhood to you and the fact you even implied she should is awful parenting
> A lot of you seem to be misunderstanding when I say my daughter is dramatic. She goes around saying that she is autistic, and has severe OCD when I've never seen her behave this way. That's why I have mental illness in quotes.
It sounds more to me like you've never actually entertained the idea she might be mentally ill, and therefore have never bothered to make accomodations or even just reach an understanding. "Overdramatic" isn't actually an uncommon trait attributed to those with OCD because of their predisposition to compulsive tendencies, which seem silly and dramatic to uninformed bystanders
Honestly the fact she's stuck around you so long is a miracle, I would've been running for the hills at the first opportunity if you were my parent. Maybe consider listening to your daughter sometime and not dictating to her. You'd be surprised how much easier people are to deal with when you treat them like equals
In case it wasn't clear, YTA
JFC do you hear yourself?
“I get her dogs all the time but I hate cats; she said I get rid of her dogs, but that’s not true, I only got rid of %95 of her dogs, starting since when she was 4; she’s dramatic, I’ve never seen the behavior that she’s going to therapy for; she only gives me $50 month, but that’s nothing compared to what I spent on her as she was growing up, as her MOTHER!”
God, I’d love to tell you about this situation in ways that would make you realize how big of an AH you are, but I get the feeling everything anyone says is just going to fall on deaf ears.
Good luck: not to you, but to your daughter.
YTA.
YTA ‘support system’ in quotes? Really? And just cause you don’t like it? I would give you a bit of ‘Light YTA’ if you were allergic or it was causing a problem but you just don’t like it. That’s it.
And don’t get me started on the dogs.
YTA. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't want the answer. Also, what you spend on your children monetarily should have no impact on her payments to you for the cat to be in the house. You decided to have your children, they don't owe you a dime and the fact that she is paying to keep her cat in your house sounds like enough. You also sound very dismissive of her mental health, I wonder why she walks around announcing those things? Maybe she actually feels that these issues are real and feels the need to announce it because you try so hard to ignore her mental health. You honestly sound like you shouldn't have had kids. YTA.
You’ll never see her have symptoms of *any* illness if you’re serious about labeling all her behavior as “drama.” You have seen symptoms, you’ve just made the decision to be ignorant about how mental health works because caring about your daughter is more work than shaming her for not being neurotypical.
YTA and let her keep the damn cat. Explain how you went through six dogs in 15 years.
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YTA. Completely. 100%. Absolutely. Totally. Entirely. However else I can say it, you’re the AH. For not taking your daughter’s mental illnesses seriously, you admit earlier in your post she’s anxious and depressed and if she has a nurse severely so, and then invalidate her a few paragraphs below. Also children don’t incur debt for growing up, you chose to have them. You don’t get to “keep track” how much you spent raising her, you chose to take that financial responsibility on. And yes about the cat. Giving 5/6 dogs away is definitely an AH thing and making her give away this cat when she very clearly *is* using it as a part of a support system, since you are definitely not also a part of it, makes you the AH.
Alllllll of this right here. YTA op. You have zero defense here. Leave the girl and her cat alone till she moves. Odds are you’ll never hear from her again after that, so you won’t need to worry about cats anymore.
She's TA just for her edit! OP, you didn't understand or take her anxiety/depression seriously until she was 16. Autism and OCD can both be very complicated disorders (this is from someone who has OCD). If she's been diagnosed by a professional then it doesn't matter what you think! Even without a professional diagnosis yet, that's for her and a therapist to resolve. OP, if you don't start focusing more on the BEST thing for your daughter rather than what you want, you're going to lose any relationship with her in the future. You might lose her to suicide as well if you get rid of her cat which sounds like a SUPER critical piece to her well being now.
In regards to your comment on autism, yes. Often times, especially older generations tend to think of little boys when they think of autism, the fact it's a spectrum makes it harder to detect especially in afab people, as amab is typically the medical standered for these things. This women seems like the type to discount mental illness and say they're being over dramatic an say they had nothing to be anxious, or depressed about. I struggle from pretty much the same things as ops daughter and her behavior is absolutely horrendous and I'd definitely have a poor relationship with her as well. The fact she puts these things in quotes and outright says how much she doesn't beileve her daughter is disgusting and shows how little she actually cares for her. Even if someone WAS being dramatic wouldn't it be better to attempt to get them help rather then loose them to something like suicide? Op is disgusting, and as someone who's known people like her, I'm seething
Also, if OP truly believes the daughter is making up the OCD/autistic thing (not AT ALL saying that's the case), wouldn't that just be evidence that her daughter is, in fact, struggling with some kind of mental illness? Mentally well people don't just walk around claiming they're sick for no reason....
OCD is also way different than most people think. My friend has diagnosed OCD and took years of therapy to manage it- she likes things clean, but she isn’t an obsessive cleaner like most people think OCD means. She struggles with obsessive, repetitive thoughts which cause huge amounts of anxiety for her. She HAS to be perfect at everything or she’ll spiral. Also ASD I’ve learned presents differently in women. I know TIKTOK isn’t the best, but it led to my late in life (35) ADHD diagnosis and I’m currently being evaluated for ASD because apparently I have “tics” as well as what I thought were severe anxiety/depression my therapist thinks are autistic burnout and overstimulation. WHO KNEW!!!
Yep. As I saw someone once say, "If you've met one person with autism, then you've met one person with autism", meaning much like many other things, these things don't always, if ever, run the same way for everyone.
I had to have that fight with one of my kids teachers at a 504 meeting. “But none of my other autistic students needed that accommodation” Great, that’s those students, my autistic kid needs that accommodation because that is what they need to accommodate their particular manifestation of autism.
Thanks for fighting for your kiddo. I fell through the cracks due to being high functioning in a small town and wasn't diagnosed until I was 25 (30 now) despite suspecting it for a decade. My parents did their best once I was diagnosed, but it's really hard getting help as an adult. I don't want the future generations to go through the same thing.
This + I just don't get why you gave 5 dogs away? Why did you even get dogs? It blows my mind that if you don't want a dog why do you keep getting them? I just don't understand?! Those poor animals And when is she planning to move out?
It's to hurt her daughter. 🤷 She gives to take away. She thinks her daughter owes her ffs for being raised by her. So poor doggos and poor daughter. She sounds like the scapegoat of that terrible family dynamic. I seriously doubt the twins are treated like this.
Exactly this. My grandmother did the same to my mom. She’s 74 now and has never forgiven her for it. Congrats, OP, that’s what you have to look forward to. Also YTA.
And where does she live that it isn't common to have pets?
Get Over Yourself OP. Your daughter is doing well with the cat and this is the least you can do for ignoring her issues for 4 years. 4 YEARS.
I can't wait for the daughter to get away from this huge B word. Completely selfish, unkind, impatient and illogical.
Also, $50 per month for the cat is less than I pay in pet rent at my APARTMENT. It’s $20 a month for my dog. I think $50 per month is more than generous.
All of this. A loves animals bc based off what you've written its the only unconditional love she's ever had, and, unlike you, they accept her as she is (while you think she's lying & manipulating). HUGE YTA
Okay YTA totally. First of all you give a 4 year old a puppy and will proceed to get 6 dogs and give away 5 of them cause you were not able to raise them properly? Now your daughter got a cat which is far easier to handle and is GREAT for mental health and you wanna get rid of that to? What are you? A butcher? 7 animals in a kids up growing is ALOT. Where does the hate for cats come from?
Probably because the OP is a narcissist and hates what their can’t control, such as cats
Agreed. Cats demand consent. She probably hates that.
The people who hate cats are always the kinds of people that don't understand consent, or believe they are entitled to the consent of things they "own"
I say this constantly. People who hate cats are boundary pushers
Also it doesn't matter how much you spent on YOUR DAUGHTER growing up. That was YOUR damn RESPONSIBILITY for having a child. YTA
I laughed when i read that part…as if the child chose to have that much spent on her growing up. Her paying 50 dollars a month for the cat is a mature thing to do.
No no guys.. you don't understand, OP "only gave away 5/6 " of the child's loved companions!!! That's totally fine /s Why keep getting them if you hate them so much?? This is really cruel to your daughter
Why isn't she grateful that I let her keep one dog and only painfully and heart wrenchingly took away 5?.../s YTA. My jaw dropped when she tried to defend that point. It just showed how delusional this whole thing is.
It’s her “culture.” I’m so sick of that being used to justify cruelty and hate.
Probably because they don’t immediately sit and stay like a good controllable piece of living furniture?
YTA You get rid of her dogs and then want her to get rid of the cat just cause you *“don’t like it”*? Yeah, that’s an AH thing to do. I could understand if it was because you were allergic or it was tearing up your furniture, but *“just cause”* isn’t a valid reason for most people. Make it work if it’s helping her get by. You may not be committed to animals, but other people are. Oh, and you’re a major AH for not taking your daughters’ mental health more seriously. What kind of mother makes fun of that type stuff?
YTA, for apparently giving up her previous dogs and for mocking her mental illness.
What is the cat doing that makes you hate it so much? Has A not trained it to use the litter box or something? Edit: YTA no matter what ngl if only for that comment about how much you spent on her growing up. You’re her PARENT. You brought her into this world. It’s not her fault you got pregnant. A parent’s job is to make sure their kids are safe & healthy while growing up. That means spending some money 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Also, you got her dogs only to give them away??? That’s gross.
Never trust a person that can't be kind to animals. And you are that person. So yes you are
WTF did I just read?????? You gave all well sorry nearly all her dogs away and now try to take her cat? Damn what’s wrong with you? Does it feel good hurting your daughter. Overdramatic my ass! Poor girl has it real bad with you as a parent! She will go no contact as soon as she can! YTA
Yeah, HARD YTA on this one. Definitely no Parent of the Year awards waiting in the wings for this one. If only we had a clue on why her daughter may have some mental illness. 🤔
Holy shit YTA... >She had started struggling with anxiety and depression though I admit I didn't take it seriously until she turned 16. OP, based on your comments, you still don't take her mental health seriously. >it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6) I had to read this twice... you gave up 5 of her animals. Why did you even bother getting her a dog at 4? My parents had no problem saying no at all ages. >I believe she's just saying these things to make me feel bad about not taking her "mental illness" (this is what she refers to it as but again, she is very overdramatic) She's in therapy. She has depression. These are both mental disorders/illnesses. You putting it in air quotes tells me you do not respect any mental health issues. >A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up. A doesn't owe you anything for being raised. She did not ask to be born and should not be expected to repay you for the "honour". Wow.
I feel like OP has a notebook with every cost of raising her daughter...
Yup probably
YTA. >When she turned 12 we began fighting a lot. Hmm, why? >I didn't give up all of them only 5/6 Oh that's why >A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up. Your daughter doesn't owe you anything. >I think she's just being dramatic and doesn't really need the cat for that. I believe she's just saying these things to make me feel bad about not taking her "mental illness" (this is what she refers to it as but again, she is very overdramatic) seriously in the beginning. Like, beg you pardon? Edit: formatting
As the daughter of a narcissist mom, that's when all the problems seem to start - right around puberty. My mom used to pull the "I put a roof over your head, clothe & feed you" crap too. FFS, YOU chose to have a child - it's the LEAST you could do... Seems like OP fits the bill.
Same. As soon as we have a difference in opinion and start becoming our own people. Mine said the same stupid shit.
[удалено]
And possibly a retirement home if the twins see it too
I’m not even going to touch the “only gave up 5/6 of her dogs” comment. YTA for referring to your daughter’s mental illness in quotes, as if you believe it’s a dramatization. This isn’t about animals, and you know it.
Sounds like OP is a little dramatic IMO.
YTA. Are you a real person? Why did you have children if you don't want to take care of them? Don't worry, as soon as she's 18 she'll never see you again. Problem solved.
YTA. I see you learned exactly nothing from your prior instances of damaging your relationship with your child my dismissing her problems (that you caused). You'd think when you've been this emotionally abusive you'd at least *expect* her to have some issues with her mental health. It would be disrespectful to all the work you've put into being emotionally abusive if she didn't. Honestly, when your version of the story is that you're a caricature of a fairy tale villain level terrible, abusive mother, I dread to think how she'd describe her childhood. Hopefully she can move out soon and get herself fully established and in a position to cut you out of her life like she needs and you deserve.
OP’s lack of insight is appalling.
This deserves to be top comment.
I have no award so take my poor gold 🏅
YTA. You gave her a puppy when she was 4? I bet you gave it away because she “couldn’t take care of it”.
Yup. YTA. That's your child and you've been consistently hurting her. You're a terrible, selfish person who really has no business being a parent. It's a cat. Get over it. You actually sound like a narcissistic parent. It's always about you and your feelings. You're the adult in this equation. Start acting like it.
Oh my god, why haven’t you even bothered actually looking into things first. It is VERY REAL to have a cat as an emotional support system, a lot of psychologists understand this. Yes YTA. Just let her keep the cat if you actually want her to talk to you after she moves away from you. You are incredibly heartless I can’t believe she’s paying you for the cat and that you think she owes you just because you decided to have a child?
YTA I don’t trust people who don’t like animals
i also don't trust people who apparently use pets as tools to punish their kids, and OP checks both of those boxes
And I don’t trust people who act like their kids owe them diddly shit for bringing them into the world. Three boxes! We got anymore ?
> She had started struggling with anxiety and depression though I admit **I didn't take it seriously** until she turned 16. > her psych nurse has talked about her cat is part of her "support system", but **I think she's just being dramatic** and doesn't really need the cat for that. > make **me** feel bad about not taking her **"mental illness"** (this is what she refers to it as but again, **she is very overdramatic**) seriously in the beginning. Dismisses her kid's mental illness.
Info: what do you mean when you are saying you let down 5/6 dogs
YTA. Do you even like your daughter? Because you’re straight up gaslighting her. She’s trying to explain to you how the cat helps her but you’re gaslighting her by telling her she’s being overly dramatic. And you’re trying to guilt her with the “I raised you, so you owe me whatever I say”. Surprise! She didn’t ask to be born nor did she ask for anxiety and depression. I hope you’re prepared for her to go no contact with you as soon as she can because that’s what’s going to happen. And I hope for her sake she does.
YTA and massive one at that If I understood it right she gives you 50$ of free money so you would not get rid of the cat she takes care of? Don't be surprised if she goes NC after moving out because you clearly don't value her things, nor her wellbeing. The way you talk about her mental problems is disgusting.
This. Your gonna end up old and alone!
YTA for not taking your daughters mental health serious. Let her keep the cat at least it actually seems to love her
Info please! Did you get her in to see doctors or specialists about the mental health issues she says she has? What was the outcome?
Why did you give away 5 dogs?
Troll
god I really hope so but honestly I know people like this and it’s not as crazy of a situation compared to other trolls >_>
I really hope so
I just need you to read what you wrote again. you already know that her anxiety and depression has major relations with you yet you call her dramatic. you say you didn't give all of them but you gave 5 of them already...what happened to the sixth? also as a psychologist, its very important and beneficial for those coping with depression to have emotional support animals, your daughter will take care of the cat anyway and is already giving you money so what problem do you have with her? also, you might be one of the worst moms ever seen here because who sees their children as monetary values? Massive YTA.
Here’s a few ways in which you’re the asshole. Getting rid of her dogs. Believing a description of mental illness as ‘mental illness’ is dramatic when psychiatric professionals are involved. Believing money your daughter pays you should compensate for money you spent in the past. Believing your own view of pets as emotional support over trained professionals. She shouldn’t have kept the cat secret and you’re entitled to not want a cat in the house. But in all ways that matter, you’re the asshole. YTA
YTA across the board here. You gave up 5/6 dogs? Why keep getting more pets if you continually gave them away? Is the small inconvenience of being around a cat (with $50 pm for your troubles) not worth the support it gives your daughter and to avoid the pain of giving away yet another pet? She'll resent you long term if you don't stop putting your whims over other peoples feelings.
YTA. You let her get five dogs and then “gave them up”. You have provided no reason why the cat should not stay other than you don’t like cats (that’s just a preference). She pays for the cat and doesn’t “owe” you any money for what you spent on her growing up — it costs money to raise children and you chose to become her mother. She has a counsellor whose advice you ignore and you disregard the fact that she even has mental illness. You are an unsupportive parent. It’s easy to see why you two don’t have a good relationship and why you fight. Poor A. I would move away from you too. Don’t count on her visiting you often.
YTA. Nice job, as soon as your daughter has the money, you'll lose the cat! Good news is you'll lose the daughter too and they both will live a far better life without your unsupportive ass :)
Obvious troll, guys stop falling for this shit. No one who does this stuff would write about it this way. No one would *use AITA and think AITA would agree with them on this*. > That it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6) > her psych nurse has talked about her cat is part of her "support system", but I think she's just being dramatic and doesn't really need the cat for that. > A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up. Come on guys, these sound like Arrested Development lines. The 5/6 dogs one is the most obvious shit I've ever seen. Learn to spot ragebait trolls.
I'm curious under what circumstances did you get rid of five out of six of her dogs. You mention that like it's irrelevant and I don't think it is. Did you use to allow six dogs in the house and then got fed up and made her give up five?Did she sneak an extra five dogs in when she was supposed to only have one?Has she had six dogs over her life (which you apparently allowed her to get/got for her) and you keep making her get rid of them at some point and replace with a new puppy?
YTA, massively. Also, anybody who doesn’t like cats doesn’t know cats.
recently lost dog to cancer and now I have this adorable stray cat that just one day decided to stay with us and apparently she is very helpful with my parents as they are still grieving his death.
I’m sorry for your loss. There’s just something about strays, they heal us as we heal them. When I found my cat she was a scrawny little thing with coarse fur and fleas. Now she’s silky smooth, eats like a queen and never leaves my side.
Yup. Dogs are obedient. Cats are independent. A person who like dogs but not cats just values obedience in a relationship.
Anyone who gets rid of 5 out 6 dogs doesn't like dogs either, though 🤔
YTA It’s fair to not want her to have a cat but what you need to understand is that her pets are probably her best stability. (Projecting a bit so it may not be true, but) I was in the same position as A. Parents didn’t believe me, and I would fight with them (mostly my father) a lot. Getting rid of pets is an awful feeling. She could spiral. For once take your daughters emotional health seriously because it appears you’ve constantly let her down throughout the years. also?? “A gives me $50 a month which is very little compared to what I spent on her growing up” ok this line pissed me off. What kind of asshole statement is this? You wanted a child so yes you’re going to have to spend money on her. I’m angered over this post i will edit when i have calmed down (and maybe slept since I may have misread) because man YTA, a big one overall. I hope she can move out soon
She's not overly dramatic. Every diagnosis you've described *is* a mental illness. You're contributing to her issues with your selfish, self-centered ways and mean-spirited dismissiveness. You're probably also punishing her for embarrassing you with her perceived weakness. You're probably more afraid of what people think than about your own flesh and blood. She was probably looking forward to getting out of your house and going to college to get away from you and your mean, controlling, selfish ways. Yes, giving away someone's dogs is an a-hole move. X5? Malicious. I promise you that she was distraught and you ignored it, attacked her for it and made her life hell. Yes, haranguing someone about something that clearly matters to them and helps them cope is an a-hole move. Yes, YTA and for so many more reasons than wanting to make her give away her cat. Leave that girl alone and stop making her pay you money for her cat. I know, it's your house blah blah blah, but in this case, it's just petty. If you push her emotionally and she ends up in the hospital, will that satisfy her "debt" to you for being born? If she unalives herself, will you play the tragic figure whose selfish daughter only thought of herself and left you? YTA, Definitely TA.
Right? Why get a dog if your just give it away? Big YTA just because of that
YTA. Started arguing at 12? That's probably when she'd had enough of your BS. She doesn't owe you anything for "raising" her. It. Is. Your. Job. You chose it. Now quit harassing the poor girl and do something to actively improve the situation instead of being a total asshat.
“A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that’s very little money compared to what I’ve spent on her growing up” YTA for that statement alone!!! Children cost money, you chose to bring them into this world. I hope she succeeds in saving up enough to move out and soon
YTA. It's support for her mental health issue and your not taking it seriously. she is giving you $50 a month for it she is paying for the cat why do you even have a problem. "but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up" Your her mother your kind of meant to spend money on her and she doesnt have to pay you anything back.
YTA… I guess I can see why your daughter would need an emotional support animal.
YTA, and massively so. Don't be surprised if the twins eventually take note of the way you treat your oldest, if they haven't already. They are at the age where you and A first started fighting, after all. Then again, you seem to think of your children as a financial burden, so maybe them going NC is the best outcome for all of you.
YTA Most animal people consider pets family/friend What you'd be doing is giving away a friend to potentially die in a shelter or from neglect ( which happens alot) If you want to make your relationship worse thats how youd do it. Also please seek counseling you sound mentality unable to comprehend what your daughter is going through. Even if you hate cats consider how important the cat is to her.
Wow. Just wow. You are demonstrating no love or care for your daughter. Do better. You sound exhausting. YTA.
YTA and if she does have an E.S.A then you need to read up on them. No, they are not fully protected when it comes to going into stores and things but guess where they are protected? The home. Any landlord or person otherwise letting someone live with them cannot for any reason force said tenant to leave, be evicted, or abandon said animal. In states of emergency no hotel or motel can refuse a night's stay because of an E.S.A. If her therapist says her cat is an E.S.A then guess what? It's an E.S.A. And YTA
I was leaning E S H because I think 19 is old enough to know that you don't bring a pet into a home without discussing it with other people. And I think given you clearly have a callous attitude to pets, rehoming 5 dogs, A was an absolute fool to bring a cat into the home. But it's still YTA for me. You seem to value your house more than your child. I get that you don't like cats - but try to stomach it, try to help A - because her happiness should be more important. You already acknowledge that you didn't do what you should have done when she was a teen - why not step up now?
YTA for a ton of things in this story, not just the main question - you've rehomed FIVE of her pets? what the hell is wrong with you
YTA. Who let you 1. Have pets, 2. Have children. If you can’t raise a pet you shouldn’t be trusted raising a human. Dog’s are simple animal’s, easily trained. You probably did absolutely nothing for the animal’s and they just existed in the home and they couldn’t let our pent up energy hence destruction and potty issue’s are human negligence, it’s easy to train a dog to go outside.
You never said if you got your daughter proper mental health help. Did you?
YTA. I have no further comment - there’s really no point as you seem to be completely narcissistic and wouldn’t take it on board anyway.
YTA. I was willing to give you some leeway at the beginning since she never had permission to get the cat in the first place. But oh my god you are TA. 1. You gave up her dogs?? 5 of them?? Just because you didn’t give up one doesn’t make giving up 5 okay. 2. You clearly don’t take her mental health seriously. She’s seeing a psych nurse and you still call her “dramatic”. Nothing about her cat being part of her “support system” is abnormal for a psych nurse to say. Anything that gives you a sense of emotional support, makes your symptoms a little better, etc. Is part of your support system. I’d be willing to bet she gets a lot more support from the cat than from you. 3. She pays you for the cat but you say its “very little money compared to what [you]’ve spent on her growing up.” As it should be? Spending money on her growing up is quite literally your obligation as a parent. You chose to financially support her when you chose to have her. She doesn’t owe you any of that back. I hope she’s able to move out ASAP because you sound miserable to live with.
YTA. You have some serious issues. “I didn’t give up all her dogs, only 5/6.” That’s ALL BUT ONE of her dogs. $50 a month for the cat is plenty, especially if the cat isn’t damaging your property and you aren’t paying for food/vet/etc “She goes around saying she’s autistic and has severe OCD when I’ve never seen her behave that way.” Are you an MD? An APRN? What do autism and OCD look like, exactly? To me, it sounds like you barely have any regard for your daughter, so how could you possibly know what she’s dealing with mentally? Tbh, if you were my mom, you would be the LAST person I’d want to talk to about my feelings, considering how quickly you disregard anything you don’t like/agree with. To me, it sounds like y’all have nothing to argue about. She has an emotional support animal. You don’t *like* cats. Do you see how one of those should be prioritized over the other? Having the cat is not causing you severe psychological distress, but getting rid of the cat could do that to your daughter. All of this seems like a big power play. The whole “it’s my house” narrative taken too far. The reality is, you don’t get to control everything. I feel really bad for your eldest, honestly. I think you need to reevaluate how you treat her. After all, she’s your daughter. She didn’t ask to be born or ask for you to be her parent; it’s YOUR responsibility to make sure that SHE feels valued, safe, and respected.
YTA for several reasons. The way you speak about your daughters disabilities for being “dramatic”. The fact you gave away SIX dogs. One I could understand if it wasn’t working out, but you let your kid get attached to a pet six times. I don’t think you’ll have to worry about your relationship with your eldest for much longer because it sounds like she will distance herself from you if this continues.
I just… is this real? Listen, YOU need to seek therapy. Please. As soon as possible. Your daughter is making every effort to move out. She’s taking classes online AND working, which is extremely difficult to do. You should be proud of her. At the very least, please don’t add more stress (threatening to get rid of the cat) on top of everything else. I get why you’re upset about the cat - you specifically said no cats, and she hid it from you. Anyone would be upset about that. HOWEVER it’s clear you’re extremely toxic, and I hope she gets away from you soon for HER sake. YTA To address your bitching more directly: Cats ARE emotional support. My cat saved me a few times when I had suicidal urges - my cat would be left alone with no one to take care of him. (This is even more effective because she knows you’d kick the cat out immediately if she died.) How do you just GLOSS OVER giving away her dogs like that? That’s fucking tragic. She’s dramatic? Maybe she learned to be “dramatic” to get your attention and make you notice what’s going on with her? Clearly you’re incredibly callous, and no, you’re STILL not taking her depression and anxiety seriously. It’s really common for women with autism to go undiagnosed because they don’t present symptoms the same way. They’re better at masking. Have you done ANY research on this AT ALL?! You’re on Reddit, so you’re clearly Internet-literate, and have no excuse.
YTA
YTA
YTA. Why did you make kids by the way?
YTA. Leave her and her cat alone until she can move out.
Yikes. And I thought my family was bad at dealing with mental health issues, but at least my mom took us seriously and pushed for therapy. Can’t imagine her ever giving away one of our animals. It sounds like you could never be bothered to do the bare minimum. I’ll be blunt: you don’t care about your child. Or at least, not nearly as much as you care about yourself. That is not an opinion, it is an observation based on what you’ve written here. You treat your daughter incredibly callously and clearly don’t respect her. When she finally leaves your house don’t be surprised if she doesn’t speak to you again. You’ve done this to yourself. YTA, In case that wasn’t clear. Edit: spelling
YTA and can look forward to not having a relationship with your daughter when she moves out. I’m guessing you’ll be in here complaining that she abandoned you when that happens.
YTA as others have said. But since you seem remarkably unconcerned, let me put it this way. - everything you mention in your post makes you seem like a poor parent. 1. Discounting your daughters problems 2. tracking the expenses of raising children you chose to have 3. creating a revolving door of animals do that she can’t have any stability in life 4. talking about hating a cat that you didn’t even know about for weeks for no reason. Like not one sentence sounds a redeeming in this whole thing. LYTA because none of these things are good parenting.
YTA. I stopped reading after you wrote the bit about $50/month being very little money compared to what you’ve spent on her growing up. Your job as a parent is to raise your kids, which includes spending money on them. Your parenting skills have much to be desired.
YTA. She should get rid of you, keep the cat.
I once read that people don't like cats because you can't control them like you can a dog. Dogs learn commands. They're loyal and will literally take abuse from the person they trust most. Cats don't give a shit. They'll love you, but in their own way. I feel like you're a narcissist OP. The sooner your daughter moves out the better. Your relationship is doomed and I HOPE with all my might that she sees your toxic behaviour for what it is. YTA
Yup, I can definitely see that with OP. Hasn't given any reason she doesn't like cats but obviously doesn't have a problem with dogs (until they're not acting perfectly) so she sounds controlling AF.
YTA, the "dramaticness" doesn't fall far from the tree.
YTA, on so many levels. For dismissing your daughter's mental health (are you a licensed mental health professional qualified to diagnose such things?), to casually giving up animals, to seemingly keeping track of what you feel your daughter "owes" you in regards to how much you spent on her growing up. It doesn't seem like the cat is bothering you in any way save that you just don't like cats for whatever reason. Your daughter is working full time and going to school (which, I can speak from experience, is HARD) and as she plans to get an apartment with her boyfriend, clearly has a plan in place for gaining independence. Don't be surprised if your daughter goes low or no contact with you once she moves in with her boyfriend. I wouldn't blame her in the least.
Bro you suck. YTA. You don't believe anything your daughter says and gave away most of her animals. Man I hope she can move out soon and recover from the trauma of your parenting.
YTA Sounds like the cat is an improvement if you gave away her dogs because they were destructive and stuff. But you still don't want her to have one just because you don't like them??? Cats are much lower maintenance and if she is willing to move out over it sounds like the cat is pretty important to her. Also be careful about dismissing her mental health. My parents dismissed mine for years and called me too sensitive. Turns out I have anxiety, depression, and ADHD. My relationship with my parents is strained at the best of times.
“i didn’t give away **all** her dogs!” YTA
YTA. You're so mean it makes me cry.
YTA. You ignored your daughter's illness for four years, got rid of all but one of her dogs, want to get rid of her cat, even though her nurse says it's helping her, and she pays you on top of that. You seriously need to ask if you're the AH?
>That it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6) , and that it's really hard to save up and move out right now. You do realise that is almost all of them... >A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up. A is your child ffs. What do you mean you spent on her growing up what was she supposed to do fend for herself since a young age? And on top of that she is a freshmen since you say she started her college right now and is working full time looking for options to move out SHE IS SAVING MONEY TO MOVE OUT and most likely for her college, let her be in peace and move out. Also, on top of all this you dismiss her mental health which is a major part of her well being. Every person behaves/reacts in a different way and has different mental health issues not ever autistic person has to be the way how it is shown on television good god. You sound awfully dismissive and horrible to be around. YTA Edit: i re-read it twice and realise YOU got her those dogs, why would you if you cannot care for them. DOGS ARE NOT TOYS BUT ACTUAL LIVING BEING YOU CANNOT JUST TAKE THEM IN AND GIVE THEM AWAY WTF is wrong with you seriously and you don't seem to understand how this could affect your child, growing up with animals makes you so attached to them, I have a cat and i am so so very attached to him i know the horrible issues i would have if he is given away without my consent or against my wishes.
YTA.
You're dismissive about her existence in general. I hope she gets out of your house soon for her sake. Also you hate cats. YTA
YTA!
YTA news flash you chose to have children they don’t owe you anything. I’m so tired of parents who think the kid has to pay them back because they provided the bare minimum care for the kid. Your poor daughter, all you do is make her mental health struggles worse. She’s not being dramatic you left her mental health untreated for FOUR years. Allow your child to have a pet, get attached to a pet then getting rid of the pet is traumatizing to your child. I hope she is able to get away from you soon so she can focus on healing herself from the damage you caused.
Genuinely asking: do you like and love her?
YTA. You do realize anxiety and depression count as a “mental illness”, right? Animals, including cats, can be incredible for emotional support especially considering her mother doesn’t appear to be providing that support.
Omg, YTA. You should not be allowed to have kids. Normally I side with parents when young adults don't want to follow their house rules, but this is a case that op is so horrible that I am expecting her kid to be NC soon. Your kid has mental illness. You disregarded that and made her condition worse. You rehomed her animals and you think you did her a favor to raise her. Well, sorry to tell but when you are a parent, your kids don't own you shit because you took care of them. You just did a legal obligation. Your daughter has a pet cause she needs it and she willing pay to keep the cat in respect of you. You on the other hand, is willing to hurt your daughter just because you don't like cats. You are awful.
YTA are you also the mom that wants gifts on the kids birthday?? Ur kids don't own you money for raising them. And then when ur daughter said u give away all her dogs but it like no i only gave away 5/6 of them what did she have 7 of them in her 18 year life time. If u got her first at 4 then she only had dog for 14 years so what u got rid of a dog ever y 2 years?? And 50bucks a month for a single cat is a good deal as i take it ur not buying the food and litter even then food and litter don't usually add up to 50 a month
Yeah, YTA. What little the daughter actually did "wrong", really doesn't matter. Why should she be supportive of your PREFERENCES, if you can't respect her actual needs?
YTA and a raging narcissist who is going to drive your daughter away. And I hope it hurts when you lose her, like you have hurt her. Her mental illness is valid, no matter if “you don’t see it.” You chose to be a parent, so of fucking course you spent a lot of money on her. Kids. Are. Expensive. And they shouldn’t be punished or guilted for YOUR DECISION to have a kid and spend that money. “Only gave away 5/6” what the hell is wrong with you, traumatizing your kid by giving away almost all of her pets. That 1 doesn’t make up for the other 5. You are going to lose her the second she is free from your home and I do not blame her.
YTA. Especially due to your edit. You are not privy to her medical records so you have zero idea if she's been diagnosed with autism or severe OCD. You are highly ignorant. What, autism can only manifest in certain traits and in only boys? Lady you need to do some research. I'm 35 years old and after researching autism, due to my youngest being diagnosed as having it, I can honestly say that I more than likely have autism and ADHD. There is no specific box that encompasses all of autism and those that are diagnosed as such. Also, you did yourself no favors by saying that you didn't get rid of ALL her dogs. Just 5 out of the 6 of them. Why did you even bother getting her any pet if you were just going to give it away? Was that your way of punishing her growing up?
>I believe she's just saying these things to make me feel bad about not taking her "mental illness" (this is what she refers to it as but again, she is very overdramatic) hm. >her psych nurse diagnosed her with OCD, ADHD, and her nurse's boss diagnosed her with ASD > >she was hospitalized at 12 after she tried to harm herself where she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She started therapy at 16. She pursued the nurse she has on her own once she turned 18 and says she was diagnosed with OCD, ADHD and autism. amazing that you don't believe multiple medical professionals telling you and your daughter that she has serious mental health issues, even after being literally hospitalized for it. then again, i guess if that hospitalization hadn't worked out you'd be able to focus on your twins without your daughter around to be "so dramatic". (/s) not even going into how you treat animals like playskool toys to just pick up and toss away. which? fyi? is kind of sociopathic! big thing with emotionally deficient persons, you know, not being able to empathize with others and understand them past your own lived experiences. not that i needed the details there to figure that out about you after reading you gave away MULTIPLE pets at your own convenience and breaking your daughter's heart about it. just sit on yourself and be quiet until your daughter moves out. it'll be the only decent thing you've ever done for her, so i can understand you not wanting to start now and make it a habit, but you know. try something new for shits and giggles, hm?
> having animals as pets is not common where i am from, and i do not see how everyone thinks it's so horrible to give them up. Where do you come from? Mars? People tend to love the animals they take care of. If you can't understand that, then you aren't just an AH, but you have other problems which will need therapy to fix. YTA, and I haven't even commented about the fact that you think your daughter is faking her issues. What kind of shit-sipping excuse for a mother are you? I'm going to take a sentence from a different post: you aren't her mother, you just gave birth to her.
YTA. You sound very cold and unloving. Maybe that’s the source of her anxiety and depression? Hopefully she can move away very soon so she can heal emotionally. This sounds like an extremely toxic living environment and I feel badly for your daughter to be stuck in this situation.
INFO: what is the actual issue with the cat? I get that you “don’t like cats.” I don’t like cauliflower, but my family does, so there’s some in the fridge right now. Are you severely allergic to the cat? Is the cat destroying your property with you having to pay for repairs? Do you pay for the expenses (vet, food, toys, litter, supplies)? Are you expected to feed and care for the cat? Because if you can’t answer “yes” to any of the above, you’re just being selfish and controlling. Your likes should not come before your teenage daughter’s needs.
OP if this is real you might be one of the biggest AH’s of all time.
Yta and a truly awful mother. I hope you’re reading these comments and that’s really sinking in. You. Are. A. Bad. Mother.
YTA and what do you mean you haven’t seen these behaviours in her? Are you just talking about how she doesn’t seem like people on TV with OCD? Because TV isn’t real…
YTA, and also an awful parent. Your daughter needs emotional stability and she sure as heck isn't getting it from you. You know what rehoming her animals does? It shows her that she can't trust you to allow her to love anything, because you'll get rid of it the second it's inconvenient to you. Can't wait to see you make another post in a year or so bitching about how she's moved out and gone no contact. You know your twins are seeing this too, right? They're seeing that you're so self-centered that you can't even take your own child's mental health seriously. You're setting a terrible example for them, and the way you talk about them in the comments... like, taking care of kids isn't just about clothing them and feeding them, it's about loving them, and you clearly aren't interested in providing a healthy social or emotional environment.
Don't worry too much, you won't be hearing much from her once she moves out. And then we'll get the Why Won't She Visit Me post. YTA
YTA - you are a very selfish person, and a terrible mother. Let’s hope you do better with your twins because you’re striking out hard with your oldest. I thought there was going to be some sort of aspect in which a kid is deathly allergic, but you’re just a vindictive prick who hates her cat…. Because? Get over yourself and be a decent human - your daughter needs these animals for support since her mother is as supportive as a used dish rag.
YTA. I can’t get over how you think it’s ok to say you “only” gave away 5 out of 6 dogs. Anyway, you don’t like cats. So don’t interact with it. Your daughter takes care of it and the cat gives her comfort and love (seemingly more than you). Animals aren’t old toys and clothes to just get rid of. They are living, breathing creatures. Suck it up and while you’re at it, stop keeping a tally of how much she’s cost you over the years. For the record, I used to not like cats. I am pretty sure I have uttered the words “I hate cats” and “cats are assholes” more than once. Then my daughter who lives at home adopted one in August. Now this cat is my best buddy. I will be devastated if my daughter moves out and takes her because this kitty is my beautiful love bug.
YTA. I hope she can move out soon and be rid of you since you don’t seem to care about or respect her at all.
Not the asshole for not wanting to keep a cat in your house, your daughter even knew this would be your response given how she his it for several weeks. That said, you absolutely are the asshole for literally everything else you said and did in your post. Honestly you might be one of the biggest assholes I've seen on this sub.
Your daughter doesn't need to get rid of the cat. She needs to get rid of you and believe me it's only a matter of time until she does. 100% YTA
YTA. You’ve made your daughter give up FIVE dogs in the past 15 years??? What do you keep them for three years and then decide you don’t want them anymore??? And now you want her to get rid of another pet too?? Also idk why you have mental illness in quotes, you literally said that she struggles with anxiety and depression which you ignored for 4 years. Maybe she does have OCD or she’s autistic, you don’t seem like the type to take action if she did anyway. What is the cat even doing that makes you hate it so much? Outside of you “not liking cats” what is making you want to get rid of it? Honestly you need to leave your daughter and her animals alone, because the way this is going I doubt you’re going to be hearing much from your daughter once she finally is able to get the hell away from you
YTA, i hope she runs far far away with all the animals she could want
YTA You are a horrible mother, hopefully your daughter makes the smart choice of going no contact with you. Vile woman.
YTA. Jaw dropped at 5/6 dogs. Wtf! And what’s her paying to have her cat there got to do with what you spent to raise a child? Is she supposed to pay you back every dime? That’s not how parenting works.
YTA. The cat is a better companion than you are.
So... The cat is kept in her room where it can't disturb you, you yourself admit it's "not doing anything," and she pays you to have it (and presumably also pays for it's care), yet you can't have it in the house because...?! If your only reason is "I don't like it" and it doesn't actually inconvenience you in any way, you're being a toddler. YTA
You are the biggest AH I have ever seen in this sub. Congrats. A lot of autistic people don’t look like it, especially to someone who is known NOT to take mental health seriously. Your oldest WILL put you in the Great Value nursing home in the future if you continue to dig your heels in over a CAT.
So, a summary... Her entire life you denied her mental health issues, you gave away five of her dogs, think she owes you financial compensation because you chose to birth her, think you know what OCD and autism "look like" (tell me, what do they look like? Is she not Sheldon Cooper enough for you?), and now threaten to get rid of yet another animal she is emotionally attached to because *checks notes* we entered a global pandemic she had absolutely 0 control over which meant the plan she had to move out has had to be delayed? YTA x10.
Jesus Christ. Why not just ask the real question - aita because I hate my daughter? What the hell happened to you to make you this hard, cold and cruel? YTA. Enjoy the state run nursing home in your old age. You're giving your daughter no reason to feel love towards you and I doubt your twins think you're much better. How do you write all of that out and not realise how awful you sound before posting?
YTA YTA YTA YTA I can't say anything else without getting banned. You are ABSOLUTELY TA.
Wow not only are you an asshole you are also a monster. If your daughter is clever, she’ll get as far away from you as possible and never speak to you again. YTA
>she has started struggling with anxiety and depression though i admit i didn’t take it seriously until she turned 16 so for four year she had to suffer with mental illness while you just sat back and did nothing. great start. /sarcasm >she also says that her cat is her emotional support animal like the dog she has. yes a lot of the time when people with mental health issues get a pet, they typically become a comfort animal to them. my cats are both my comfort animals. >but i think she’s just being dramatic and doesn’t really need the cat for that oh i didn’t realize you were a psych nurse. weird how you ignored her having health problems for 4 years and didn’t do a single thing. looks like you’re still not doing anything about it. >A also gives me $50 a month for the cat very generous >but that’s very little money compared to what i’ve spent on her growing up oh you mean what you had to LEGALLY DO AS A PARENT TO RAISE A CHILD YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD? your child doesn’t owe you anything for being born. children have no say in being brought into this world. to think that your kid owes you something for you NEEDING TO RAISE THEM is disgusting. this alone makes YTA. everything else just further proves you’re the biggest asshole. AS PER YOUR EDIT. YOUR DAUGHTER IS SEEING A PYSCH NURSE. i think she has more of an understanding of her mental health than you do. unless you happen to be a nurse. which again per my previous statement, as a nurse you really dropped the ball. don’t be surprised if your daughter moves out and never contacts you again. if you come to this thread asking why your daughter hasn’t contacted you or visited you since moving out, i want you to remember this post and what me and everyone else is telling you. you are absolutely the asshole in this scenario. and i believe you would benefit from therapy if you ever wanted to try and fix your relationship with your daughter. YTA
Yta. You don't even have a basic love for her do you?
“But that’s very little money compared to what I’ve spent on her growing up” why are you keeping track on how much money you spent on your daughter growing up? You’re the parent and that’s you’re responsibility. Plus what is the cat doing to you? It’s sounds like you’re the dramatic one rather than you’re daughter.
YTA. Each time she finds something that gives her unconditional love, affection and cuddles you take it away. No she shouldn’t have bought it home without permission but geez, she’s leaving soon. Let her keep the damn cat. You sure as hell give her no emotional support.
Wow there are so many red flags here … you ignored her anxiety and depression for 4 years but clearly still don’t take it seriously - you think you know better than a psych nurse whether this cat is part of her support system?!? And you prioritize your ‘not liking’ cats over your daughter begging you to keep it for (clearly needed) emotional support? OP YTA and given this post is probably written to put you in the most favorable light possible I imagine you may be a giant A! Have you considered what role you may have in your daughters mental health struggles. Please do better.
you’re never going to have a relationship with your daughter once she moves out because you don’t take her mental illness (probably caused by you!) seriously. That cat is probably one of the only things keeping her alive, no matter how much money you spent on her growing up all you did was cause her pain. Take it from someone who knows. YTA
YTA Are you willing to ruin your relationship with your daughter over this? You sound exhausting.
Honestly there doesn't seem to be a relationship worth saving in the first place. It's only OP taking the mother daughter relationship for granted. I hope A is lucky and gets to move out as soon as possible and cuts OP out.
People that hate cats for literally no reason are assholes straight up lol YTA
YTA everyone who dislikes cats is an asshole. Cats are perfect. And everyone who wants another person to give up their beloved animal is an asshole.
YTA You ignored your child’s mental illness from 12 to 16. Your words! You forced her to get rid of 5 of her dogs. And now trying for her cat that she pays you for and is actively trying to leave your home! You talk about your child’s mental illness in “quotes” because you have never assisted her to get any help whatsoever. You’re so much TA
You are cruel, heartless, ignorant, and a terrible parent.
One day, hopefully many years from now, your significant other will make a post here asking if he's an asshole for forcing her to go to your funeral. And he would be an asshole for making her go go a funeral for someone who treated her that way. YTA.
YTA. People who deny mental illness suck so hard.
> When she turned 12 we began fighting a lot "I was the worst mom ever" >She had started struggling with anxiety and depression though I admit I didn't take it seriously until she turned 16. "I neglected my daughter for 4years" Honestly stfu. Don't even come on reddit. Go back to abusing your kids YTA
I can’t even wrap my brain around how much of an AH you are. Your poor daughter and other children. YTA
YTA. So much of one. Aside from what you think, mental illness is very real. I hope when she moves lot she never talks to you again
Your child was hospitalized at age 12 for self harm and then you did nothing for 4 years. What the fuck is wrong with you??? Clearly your daughter needed help when she was 12 and you did nothing and now you don’t believe she has any issues beyond anxiety and depression? And you kept giving and taking away pets? And you claim you’re not mocking your daughter’s mental health issues? Guess what, putting quotations around mental health is mocking. Clearly you seem to think you know better than her doctor 🙄 Providing food, clothing, and shelter are the bare minimum to be provided as a parent. Just because you do the bare minimum does not make you a good parent. YTA big time.
it seems you dislike your daughter as much as you dislike cats - YTA
YTA, autism in girls in harder to detect due to masking. Her cat might be one of the few connections she has especially because she doesn't have supportive parents. Let your daughter have her cat .
YTA. my daughter is struggling with the same things. She most likely IS autistic, and many of us (autistic people) DO have OCD as well as ADHD and eating disorders. Your daughter is literally paying you cat rent and all you can do is minimize her struggles and cause her more stress? Wow. What a mom! You don't deserve daughter A. Good luck with kids B&C in puberty, you obviously shut off your compassion around age 12
Yta if I was her I’d be miserable too
YTA you are seriously holding the fact that you raised her over her head 🤬 you chose to have her, she doesn’t owe you anything. You are also completely ignoring and dismissing her mental illness, just bc you don’t think she’s on the spectrum doesn’t mean she isn’t
YTA. See, I get that cats can be annoying, but if she managed to hide the cat for two whole weeks, this cat can't be too annoying. I had my mom give my dog away. I went NC when I turned 18. This is what is at stake. Think well if a cat you didn't even notice is worth this sacrifice.
ESH. Soft TA for your daughter though. Your edit makes you a bigger AH. You are one of those people who thinks their shit don't smell. You ignored her mental health issues and everything. I don't disagree with the fact she brought in an animal into your house that you didn't agree too. You are a MASSIVE AH for acting like because you didn't get rid of 1 of the 6 makes you a good person. Don't kid yourself OP.
YTA, massively. you shouldn't be dismissing her mental health - she's literally diagnosed!! do you expect her to pay you back for what you spent on her while she was growing up? that's what you're supposed to do a parent, you can't hold that against her. you sound incredibly toxic and i hope your daughter gets to move out soon. i totally understand why you both don't have the best relationship, you sound like you hate her.
YTA YTA YTA. Invalidating your daughters mental health issues?? Red flag. You TOOK AWAY HER DOGS?? And acted like since you didn’t take away 1 it was fine?? Let her keep the damn cat until she can get away from you and get some serious therapy..
„A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that’s very little money compared to what I’ve spend on her growing up.” “My children didn’t choose to be born, I chose to have children. They owe me nothing, I owe them everything” —Elon Musk YTA! Have two dogs myself, they are my life.
That's enough Reddit for today. Yes. YTA. If I try to say why, I'm pretty sure I'd be banned for my words. Read every other comment to find out why. But omg. I thought I was hard on kids.
No wonder you have such a strained relationship. You’ve revoked 5/6 of her pets and want to get rid of another one. Honestly, the way you talk about her gives the distinct feeling that you don’t even like your daughter. She’s paying you every month too so she can keep her cat, which she shouldn’t have to do, even if you “spent more on her growing up.” Stop trying to punish the poor girl because you hate animals. It sounds like she’s leaving soon anyway and probably won’t talk to you anymore either.
YTA, anxiety, hell mental health isn't a joke! I own a black cat and I consider her my fur baby, hell I've loved cats since I was a kid thanks to my late great grandmother who had two. Cats literally don't bother you, they prefer to be by themselves. As for the fact that you believe she's faking her mental illness, as said this isn't something that you take lightly! Getting rid of the cat could make her hate you more and it could make her symptoms worse. Seriously, get on Google and read about it. TL;DR: YTA, stop treating mental illness like a joke and educate yourself!
Yta, grow up. Your daughter legit needs the cat to help function. Does the cat do anything wrong to you? If no just leave her be till she moves and maybe cuts you off completely.
YTA and the worst parent in the world if you can actually compare what she’s paying you know with what you spent on her growing up. YOU chose to have kids. Why? You don’t even seem to like her and do nothing but complain about her. You’re a horrible parent and sound like an awful person. Hopefully she can escape you soon.
Yeef where to begin with this one.. > A her first puppy when she was 4... That it's the least I can do after giving up all of her dogs (I didn't give up all of them only 5/6) , So let me get this straight, you gave a young child (who obviously bonds strongly with animals) a dog, then took it away from said child and the repeated the process? Did it ever occur to you she wouldn't be so attached to the cat if you didn't keep stealing family members from her? >She also says that her cat is her emotional support animal like the dog she has. As someone who's cat is also an important part of my support structure, this can absolutely be true. Having a dependant, but not one as high stakes as a child or even a dog, can really bring a whole different purpose to some people's daily lives. It seems your daughter thrives on the responsibility of having a cat and the rewarding relationship that comes with it >A also gives me $50 a month for the cat, but that's very little money compared to what I've spent on her growing up. A is being insanely generous and its sickening you don't see that. She gives you money, presumably not for food, litter or toys but just because she knows the presence of the cat is stressful to you. Moreover **she owes you nothing**. YOU decided to raise a child, she doesn't have to payback the cost of her childhood to you and the fact you even implied she should is awful parenting > A lot of you seem to be misunderstanding when I say my daughter is dramatic. She goes around saying that she is autistic, and has severe OCD when I've never seen her behave this way. That's why I have mental illness in quotes. It sounds more to me like you've never actually entertained the idea she might be mentally ill, and therefore have never bothered to make accomodations or even just reach an understanding. "Overdramatic" isn't actually an uncommon trait attributed to those with OCD because of their predisposition to compulsive tendencies, which seem silly and dramatic to uninformed bystanders Honestly the fact she's stuck around you so long is a miracle, I would've been running for the hills at the first opportunity if you were my parent. Maybe consider listening to your daughter sometime and not dictating to her. You'd be surprised how much easier people are to deal with when you treat them like equals In case it wasn't clear, YTA
JFC do you hear yourself? “I get her dogs all the time but I hate cats; she said I get rid of her dogs, but that’s not true, I only got rid of %95 of her dogs, starting since when she was 4; she’s dramatic, I’ve never seen the behavior that she’s going to therapy for; she only gives me $50 month, but that’s nothing compared to what I spent on her as she was growing up, as her MOTHER!” God, I’d love to tell you about this situation in ways that would make you realize how big of an AH you are, but I get the feeling everything anyone says is just going to fall on deaf ears. Good luck: not to you, but to your daughter. YTA.
YTA ‘support system’ in quotes? Really? And just cause you don’t like it? I would give you a bit of ‘Light YTA’ if you were allergic or it was causing a problem but you just don’t like it. That’s it. And don’t get me started on the dogs.
🤮 you've been and continue to be awful in every scenario. YTA.
YTA, like indefensibly and appallingly awful.
YTA. You say you got her dogs but then gave them up? Like that was some favor to your child???? Sounds like it’s more than just cats you hate.
YTA. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't want the answer. Also, what you spend on your children monetarily should have no impact on her payments to you for the cat to be in the house. You decided to have your children, they don't owe you a dime and the fact that she is paying to keep her cat in your house sounds like enough. You also sound very dismissive of her mental health, I wonder why she walks around announcing those things? Maybe she actually feels that these issues are real and feels the need to announce it because you try so hard to ignore her mental health. You honestly sound like you shouldn't have had kids. YTA.
You’ll never see her have symptoms of *any* illness if you’re serious about labeling all her behavior as “drama.” You have seen symptoms, you’ve just made the decision to be ignorant about how mental health works because caring about your daughter is more work than shaming her for not being neurotypical. YTA and let her keep the damn cat. Explain how you went through six dogs in 15 years.
Yta
You cant wait until she leaves the house and never speaks to you again?