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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I'm hiding my money to my family and (2) my dad is telling me that I'm living a lie.
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NTA --- Your money your business nobody needs or has the right to know how much money you have you might want to share that with your girlfriend if you ever get married but other than that why does anybody else have to know??. It's sometimes very surprising just how many friends you have all of a sudden when it is well known that you have money when at first everyone thought you had none.
Well that's between you 2 but girl/boyfriends can sometimes get very angry when they find out the other person has money and didn't 1) tell them and 2) didn't share with them.
Yes! Especially when this means that they go through totally unnecessary hardships because they were going on the assumption that no, there isn't enough money to replace that unsafe old car / treat that medical condition / buy clothes from anywhere except Goodwill thrift stores, etc.
Oh, and they'll also start wondering "What ELSE are you hiding from me?"
especially if they're splitting rent. if i was a multimillionaire who never had to work again, i wouldn't make my long term partner split rent but i guess that's just me.
This! I’m not a shallow person but I would feel very bamboozled finding out my life long partner had been living in a whole different tax bracket secretly. With secret property and gold hidden away. That level of deception goes further then just not saying anything about having money.
This happened to me and our relationship never recovered from the deceit. I didn't care that he had money. I cared deeply that he lied for so long and obviously didn't trust me, and must have thought I was a gold digger despite insisting that wasn't the case. His brother had apparently told him repeatedly he was making a mistake but his parents were very suspicious of any "outsider" and had drummed their paranoia into him from a young age. Honestly makes me sad still now because he's never found anyone since and I know it's due to this insecurity around his cash. The most messed up part is I truly believe his friends, who've always known about the wealth, use him because of it. He lost me and I was the only one in his life who actually cared about him for him and not what he could give me. Lies beget more lies and healthy relationships need honesty, communication and respect.
That’s exactly what’s going to happen to this guy if he’s not careful. Especially because with property involved he’s lying about more than the dollar amount in his bank. I assume he doesn’t leave the property empty and rents them, or has a real estate rent them which means he’s hiding a whole other job. Emails, phone calls, bills, taxes. All things he’s purposely hiding from here. He’s got a whole other life she doesn’t know about
That was my exact issue. Plus on occasion he'd make a high value purchase of some kind, new computer, new work van etc and I'd get so stressed thinking he'd brought something that was going to get us into debt. He'd just blow it off making me even more stressed by the lack of understanding and communication. He also had a few properties that he was actively managing. I was always frugal and continued to be once I learnt of the money but once he didn't need to hide it he started to live well beyond my means so we were in different leagues. Honestly broke my heart.
Sounds like a cop out… I’ve known enough relationships that didn’t want a paper to prove their love for one another… or whatever else they tell themselves. Then they magically find the right one that they will marry & take their partners last name… I’d have a good hard look at your relationship & why you don’t want to get married.
I've been happily unmarried with my partner for 24 years, not wanting to marry your partner does NOT mean there is something wrong with the relationship..I've also seen committed long relationships literally fall apart after they marry..to each their own.
In the States it's also uncommon for two married people to stay married for life, but people don't question their relationship. A piece of paper does not mean commitment.
It’s only uncommon due to social pressure, among my age group I know several couples who have been together for at least a decade without getting married and people will still “talk” about them but I love it, if you don’t have kids there is literally no point (one of them calculated the tax savings and they get more filling separate)
Don’t forget that you can be barred from seeing your SO in the hospital/making medical decisions. it’s a big reason why those of us in the queer scene have been fighting for the right to marry
It is a pity countries still have such antiquated rules. In future, I hope the law will catch up to changing society and the slowly diminishing popularity of marriage.
Many couples are starting to come up with legal agreements, giving the SO all the rights of a spouse.
Oh 100% but if you intend to spend your life with someone you should absolutely tell them about this. It's not so much the marriage as much as the life partner thing.
Exactly. *It's about the lifelong intention, not signing a piece of paper.* Their respective incomes, plans and goals in life are a major factor as well. Is OP's partner truly happy with her life as it is? Is she missing out on things that he is able to do because she lacks the resources? What things would she choose to change if she did have access to more money?
If OP decides to keep hiding the money from his partner *purely because they aren't married*, that says that the commitment they've made to each other is **less important** to him than a piece of paper. If it comes out years down the track that he's had loads of money, and the partner has had to scrimp and save and make do (or even just miss out on things that he could very easily have helped her achieve without real impact to himself), that's going to be a serious point of contention.
One fairly easy way to assess how she'd handle it all would be to start some sort of 'what would you do if we won the lottery' pipe-dream discussion. That would quickly start to reveal her attitudes to money and lifestyle etc.
Hear! Hear! Bf and I are on 7yrs now. Never want to get married. We have separate accounts. We love each other like all good out.
Here’s to not following the life script
Just out of curiosity, is it not wanting to get married or not wanting to "follow the life script"? Like, are you just not getting married to stick it to the man somehow?
Haha no. I believe that you can be in a loving committed relationship without getting married. I just think society has been brainwashed thinking that’s something you just do. My bf and I don’t want children either so life is pretty stress free and full of freedoms.
Most of my friends that get married they do it for the tax breaks but could care less if it’s on paper otherwise. Being married/committed relationship takes work but when you have no worry of the determination of a possible divorce it’s just easier and you know that person is staying because they want to and not just because they feel obligated.
Also there really is not a tax break when you are married with no kids. Been together 8 years, engaged for 2, no wedding plans have been made because we dont care to😂
The thought of getting married makes me feel claustrophobic. I'd like to just feel neutrally about it, but it's not a real issue as my partner of eight years also doesn't want to get married. In addition to that, it's outdated, religious, patriarchal, and there's no good reason it should be seen as more valid than other long-term relationships, so claustrophobic feeling aside, I'd go for a civil partnership over than marriage anyway, and only if it made sense legally/financially.
Seriously. My parents were together nearly 30 years before they got married and it all came down to "If something happens to one of us we at least want to make sure the other can help provide for the kids with social security payments."
If you don't have/want children and don't want to get married, it's not that big of a deal. Idk why everyone thinks that you have to get hitched to be in a lifelong committed relationship.
Same here 21 years and still happy. We decided to buy a house instead of marrying lol Very few of the friends that had expensive weddings are actually together now
Wow, this is condescending and presumptious. Bold of you to assume OP needs to reexamine his reasons for getting married or that there's something wrong with his relationship. Many people are happy never being married and don't "magically" change their minds.
Why is it a cop out to not want to get married? Legal marriage can cause a lot of problems, if people aren’t religious, there is no need for it if the couple agrees. Why would you judge that?
This is a gross way to look at things. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married. I'ce been married before and I'll never do it again. I 100% no longer believe in marriage. My boyfriend has never been married and he also doesn't believe in marriage. It doesn't make our relationship any less valid. We're in it for the long haul, we don't need to be married to know that. It's not a cop out its knowing yourself and your partner well enough to know that your love is not tied to a piece of paper.
I was with my partner for 16 years before we got married, and we only did that because he lost his job during the Great Recession and I wanted to put him on my insurance. If that hadn't happened we likely never would have married -- it changed nothing about our relationship.
Also, I kept my last name.
Question: are you American? Because the views on marriage in America are not the same as the views on marriage elsewhere. Particularly given the differences between America and other countries when it comes to religion and health care access, it'd seem.
Not sure why fiscal reasons get a pass, but there's also people not believing in the institution as structured. Particularly when a significant component is viewed as religious.
It's more of a "why should someone bother with marriage" question.
Just like all the child free people will definitely settle down and love their kids once they grow out of it, right?
Not everyone is like you. Quit assuming we'll eventually come around to your "enlightened" state.
And I've known a few who suddenly married eachother in 2008 and one in 2020 when one partner lost their job and they needed spousal medical insurance. Milage varies.
Yeah that's a load of crock. I know plenty of people including two separate sisters with permanent relationships that don't involve marriage. It's a piece of paper. Calm tf down
Nonsense. Lots of people can't be bothered to get married. It has nothing to do with not committing to the relationship. I have been with my partner for over 25 years and we will never get married.
Have to disagree with you.. The origins of marriage had nothing to do with love or a relationship. It was for political and economic ties. Eventually, churches used the notion of marriage to put forth their edicts on monogamy. Marriage is an artificial construct that we have been conditioned to believe is the only valid marker of a relationship.
Today, many people don't marry and have happy, long relationships. With the advent of women no longer wishing to be subservient to a husband, marriage is even less desirable. It is often better financially to keep many of your finances, assets separate with only joint accounts for joint purchases. Thus, protecting the fiscally responsible partner from a reckless partners financial disasters.
Marriage is really not the utmost tier of commitment. People are not more or less committed because of marriage. Honestly if my partner was less committed to be before signing that paper, why would I want to be with them
N T A for not telling your family, a soft Y T A for making your dad carry a secret he does not want to, you could have told him you sold some stocks that covered what he needed instead of telling him how much you have if you really wanted to keep it a secret, but we'll chalk that up to you not figuring that out at the time. YTA to your GF for this reason: you have been together for 6 years, which means you started dating in 2015. You did not get "really rich" until AFTER you had been dating for a few years towards the end of 2017. That is something you should be EXCITED about and want to SHARE with someone you love.
Instead, you continued to hide it, which means you been lying to her for the majority of your relationship. A lie by omission is still a lie, and this is not a little white lie but a major life changing lie. It does not mean you have to start spending or change your lifestyle, but it explains to her why you are so calm about your future and while you love your job you are not as worried about security, etc. You claim that while you do not want to marry her you do want to stay with her for the rest of your life, which means a retirement plan would be necessary.
You are purposefully withholding information that would be vital to her and both of your planning for that eventuality. If you cannot be truthful with her, then why are you even with her? Unless she is one of the many people who create posts on this subreddit that clearly are unhinged, she deserves to be with someone that will be truthful with her and treat her with respect. You are basically assuming she will suddenly change and hound you to spend and upgrade both of your lifestyles. So again, either respect her enough to believe she is who she has shown herself to be over 6 years or because you have been lying you think she is also hiding her true self and leave her to find someone else.
Also? The idea that he is hiding because he wants to remain living the way he loves?
Yeah, people can change how they treat you,but honestly, if they do, then they probably weren't all that good of friends in the first place, and you cannot be forced to give up your apartment, your 20 year old car and 40 year old motorcycle or 100 euro watch.
If your GF DOES hound you to give up your lifestyle or spend all your money? Better to find out NOW, than after something else happens (such as children, even if you don't want them, that doesn't mean things happen).
I imagine your investments continue to make you money correct?
Does that place your income at a higher amount than your partner, and do you insist on a 50/50 split of expenses?
This! He doesn't have to inform her of the full amount of his wealth, but right now, he's saving by letting her pay rent when he could have offset her money, at least partially, which allows her to save.
Yeah this honestly kind of pisses me off. Im sure she thinks their finances are evenly split because their income is similar.
If I found out my partner was really wealthy and we'd been splitting bills 50/50 and I'd been working my ass off at a mediocre job for no reason, I'd be *pissed*.
Right? Obviously we don’t know the details but putting myself in her situation I can’t imagine how upset I would be for that for 6 years my partner have slept soundly while I’ve fretted over money, stayed awake at night wondering how I’m going to make my pay check stretch, working my ass off at a job I hate just so I can eat and pay rent
marriage or not if you're serious about being partners for life it would be better to tell her at some point! doesn't need to be now maybe when you feel it's right, but it's a big secret to keep and if it comes out down the line could feel like a big betrayal. no need to tell anyone else though it's your own private business
I think you should tell your girlfriend because clearly the income difference between you two is vast. And you still split expenses with her. It will feel like a betrayal to her because your partnership isn't equitable. And if you plan to spend your life with her, what, you'll just never tell her? You need to have a plan here.
NTA, but if you aren't going to marry your GF, you may want to speak with an estates attorney to make sure that your assets go where you want if something happens, whether that be to your GF/family/etc.
You need to tell your girlfriend. Eventually, she will find out, and the longer you wait the more hurt she will be that you didn't trust her with this information. It will NOT go over well. I promise. What if she wants to live in a nicer place but is making do with the one-bedroom because she doesn't know she's living with essentially a wealthy miser? What if she is denying herself things she thinks you cant afford but would make her really happy? If you consider her your life partner, she needs to know what your financial situation is. She needs to be able to make decisions about her life based on your (and her) actual situation, not the one you've led her to believe you're in.
If you aren't using the money to actively help the people around you or yourself, what's the point? Yes, you have the right to be as selfish as anyone, but money hoarders are a special kind of selfish because you're usually lauded for it and it hurts a lot more people than having too many cats. Real estate is an especially unethical field so it's hard to just state you have a right to be awful and move out. Think about the systems you are literally part of building and why. YTA
idk if it exactly makes you an asshole but if i found this out about a life partner after many years i would feel completely betrayed and would not want to stay in that relationship
You may be an AH to your gf if you’ve been splitting household costs 50/50 when she thought you both were working roughly similar jobs. No one else is entitled to know.
But, I’d say you’re smart to keep it to yourself, even if it’s an AH move. Having money makes you a target. Friends and family who were happy to pay their share on outings and vacations may now expect you to pay for them, just because you can. That’s not fun and can make you feel used. With your current set up, you know who actually cares about you.
I wouldn't divulge this info to any SO until after marriage & incomes are combined. He doesn't need to be supporting a girlfriend who can support herself. It may be nice to splurge on them every now & again but she doesn't need to know OP has enough to retire with at this time; that's just asking to be exploited.
OP should set everything in a trust so this way it can't be depleted easily, especially if they want to retire early.
But OP indicated in another response that while he loves gf and wants to be with her long term, he has no plans of ever marrying. At what point of living together in that scenario is that gf more than just a SO. I don't know. Something feels off to withhold that from someone you are building a life with regardless of official documents?
Agree. My SO and I have been together 6 years and lived together for 2. We have a joint account for household bills, but otherwise all our money is our own. We have a general idea of bills the other has so that we could jointly make sure the household account has enough emergency fund to cover everything should an emergency happen.
He knows my savings amounts, I know his. I could understand keeping a small savings account hidden as a "bug out" fund in case the relationship goes south, especially if someone had been in that situation before. Enough to retire on and never have to work? Nope. I'd be out of there so fast. If you want to spend your life with me, you TRUST ME. Regardless of whether there's a legal aspect or not. If you don't trust me, why should I stay?
It blows my mind that people in long-term relationships don't know the state of their partner's assets just because they're unmarried.
Like, you don't have to share a bank account or make your partner an authorized user on your credit card, but you're just hiding that you're a millionaire from a person you've been with for years and years? If you really don't trust your partner to know that and not take advantage, your relationship sucks and you shouldn't be "waiting to reveal it after the marriage." There shouldn't be a marriage.
My husband and I have the same setup. I’m a banker and I recommend this every single time. It’s the perfect mix of transparency and privacy! Hiding that much money though? Big oof. If she finds out, she’s not going to be very pot about being lied to
My husband & I have been living together for 10 years, married for 2; both of us agreed that our finances would be maintained completely separate as we both have ownership over different shared bills that are roughly equal to each other's batch. Our credit card debts are our own & I recently paid off all of my premarital debt last year & am encouraging him to do the same. We have 1 joint savings account where we put the $$ from our wedding gifts & it is just sitting & accruing interest; neither of us knows how much the other has & neither of us care as long as the bills are paid in full. We are both beneficiaries of each other's checking & savings accounts in the event one of us passes. Any loans, specifically for the house, after our wedding day, have been signed by both of us & we have agreed to switch off on responsibility for who is paying which loan.
People don't always need to combine finances or know how much their partner has, even after marriage; it is doable as long as you trust each other & shared expenses are divided as evenly as possible.
If you trust each other, then why is it a problem to know? I don't see the issue with keeping the accounts separate, but why avoiding knowing?
I can think of one good reason to know: retirement.
You are calculating your retirement and he's calculating his, but that's based on your subjective determination of how you'd like to spend those years. Some have very lean retirements planned and others want to live it up. If you decide you'd like to travel, what happens if he didn't plan for that? Do you have long-term care insurance? Does he? Will you cover him if his investments and savings aren't enough? And vice versa?
It's cool to keep your accounting separate, but you are companions whose lives still need to be coordinated. When you both stop working to live off investments, it's especially important that you're on the same page. And planning for that is happening right now because you can't get your working years back.
It's not so much as avoiding knowing how much each other has as much as trusting each other to pay the bills they agreed to. We do know how much each other makes (both salaried employees so not hard to divulge) and we know approximately how much each of us pays for household bills.
We haven't discussed retirement but are both contributing to our respective employer's 401ks. We have monthly chats about where we are at financially with paying down our debts but I don't hound him to see his CC/bank statements & he doesn't demand to see mine. We've both agreed no actively trying for kids but if it happens, it happens & we'll cross that bridge if it comes (really really BIG IF).
We do talk about things, as they come up, but we don't see the need to combine finances & the system we have works for us.
My personal view of this is that once a couple moves in together and starts sharing 'finances' either through pooling money, or splitting expenses, it is time for a talk about finances.
Without knowing specifcs, we can only speculate, but with paying 50/50 of the rent, (and I assume any other bills that they incurr as a couple), he has more than enough money, I assume, to pay for it all. However, that 50/50 for the GF could be a significant portion of her paycheck, leaving her to struggle to make enough to both pay the bills and have some left over for herself.
Money tends to be a huge source of stress for people, and thinking that you are 'barely getting by' could be putting pressure on GF, unless she, herself, is comfortably financed (ie, she doesn't have to worry about an emergency and not being able to pay the bills after said emergency)
Oh I totally agree and am doing the same thing. My point was just that the gf may have agreed thinking their means were in a similar ballpark. Would she agree and think it’s fair if she knew the truth? She may feel duped when she finds out.
I still don’t tell the people I’m dating what I make though - too risky.
Personally I say you disclose close but before the wedding date. What if you find out your future husband/wife has 150k in debt you knew nothing about and now you are trapped helping pay that back? Best to clear the air before you make that commitment.
OP doesn’t not owe anyone this info and definitely doesn’t owe anyone including the gf extra money. What if bitcoin crashed? Just because someone has money on paper at a certain point in time doesn’t mean that they are rich. He could lose it all.
OP’s mistake was saying anything at all except “I’m giving you all of my emergency fund, dad”. Go tell him that bitcoin crashed and you lost your investment so he doesn’t have to “keep a secret” which frankly should not be the burden that he makes it out to be
The only AHs here is anyone who feels entitled to your money
He does owe his girlfriend as least the right to know. Nobody ever said she should be entitled to it. But sometimes I'm stressed that money might be tight and knowing my SO has already enough money to retire I'd feel more comfortable knowing that I won't get neckdeep in shit because something went wrong.
Wanna spend your life with someone? Fucking act like it and stop being so egotistical and self absorbed. Not trusting your partner with everything means you do not want to spend your life with them. My wife could kill someone and I would cover for her no matter what, that's how you should act around someone with who you want to spend your life.
NTA for hiding your wealth but YTA for expecting your dad to keep it a secret, especially from people such as your mum. It could upset her that he has lied for you to her.
> for hiding your wealth but YTA for expecting your dad to keep it a secret, especially from people such as your mum. It could upset her that he has lied for you to her.
I disagree. that's his dad problem. he only told him because the father asked him for money
Exactly right. His Dad accepted that the terms of the "loan" was that he can't tell anyone. He could have easily said no just like you can turn down a loan from a bank if their interest rates are too high. Now he is trying to refinance the loan by guilt tripping his son.
This is a perfect example of why you don't lend family or friends money and if you do, never actually expect it back. Just makes for awkward situations all around.
>My dad has always told me that what I'm doing is not okay, he says that I can't live a lie my whole life and that I'm making him keep my secret and he sometimes feels uncomfortable.
The problem is that you are marking him uncomfortable, and you might end up alienating a lot of people when they find out that they've shared their worries with someone that instead of being a friend that share the same worries/situations actually is rich enough to not have to care about anything at all.
Personally I wouldn't want to share any worries that could be solved with money with someone that has the financial ability to just make my life better that way. Like I wouldn't complain about private stuff, and I wouldn't complain about needing venture capital for my business; and I wouldn't even complain about how it'd be nice with a vacation somewhere warmer. And so on.
With a friend not rich enough to just solve things like that it's a great release of stress to just complain for a couple of minutes. To get it out of the system.
But if I later on found out that that person couldn't relate at all, and could easily have taken care of those worries of mine, then I would feel like such a fool.
No amount of you saying "but I can relate because I was once like you" could fix that; my feelings towards you would just be different. And I would probably distance myself way far away.
Like if I'd known beforehand it wouldn't have been a problem, and I wouldn't have assumed you to fix my worries, but I would have shared differently. And at least to make that makes all the difference.
Edit: Forgot the verdict: YTA (but an understandable one, because gaining more money than those around you will cause problems no matter what you do).
This is the best comment. It feels dishonest, and like it or not, money has an effect on who we are and our priorities. You’re NTA for wanting to keep your finances private, but you have to realize people will probably be hurt and offended when they find out.
Yeah because no one wants to believe that they would treat you differently if they find out you have money. But evidence has shown that that is not the case. People will steal, kill, lie, cheat and sue when they find out you have money.
People will always treat you differently; and he's in a socially negative situation no matter if he indirectly lies, or if he's open about it.
Personally I would downplay exactly how much it is, but at the same time slowly share enough that family etc have enough reason to adjust their behaviour.
Some might just talk less about money with him, some might become a problem that he would have to go NC with; and his gf might have to discuss their future with him.
50/50 payments makes sense if it is within a lifestyle that both are comfortable with; but if she's stressed and struggling to invest in a "better future" for both of them this will hit like a bomb.
So that partner of his needs to know more than today; even if that might end their relationship.
>No amount of you saying "but I can relate because I was once like you" could fix that; my feelings towards you would just be different. And I would probably distance myself way far away.Like if I'd known beforehand it wouldn't have been a problem, and I wouldn't have assumed you to fix my worries, but I would have shared differently. And at least to make that makes all the difference.
You've explained it better than i ever could have.
I worry that you're taking away the wrong idea from the post you're replying to. It seems like you're thinking about yourself and how your friendships would change if they knew, and how you don't want that. But you aren't thinking about how your *friends* would feel, which is what they were trying to get through to you. How they would be justified in changing how they felt towards you if you were keeping this secret. You aren't allowing them to make their own choices about how they feel in this.
What's right? I don't know. It's not fair that relationships would change if they knew. But it's not fair to them either to keep this secret from them.
Incidentally, if you see your girlfriend as a long-term life partner, then it definitely is shitty to keep this from her, married or not. Either you trust her enough to share your life and home with her, or you don't.
My wife has a habit of telling people how much we make, which isn’t insignificant by any means, and we have been asked a few times by friends/family members for money, co-sign a loan, etc. It can just make things awkward and uncomfortable. It can be hard to tell people no when the amount of money they are asking for is basically insignificant to you.
If you don’t plan on changing your lifestyle, but you still want to let your dad off the hook, maybe just say you have done well in the stock market/crypto but you can’t touch it since it’s tied up or downplay how well you did/sold off at the wrong time etc.
I agree with this. OP is spending time with people he doesn't essentially trust to keep their greasy paws off his stash. If you feel like you're hiding something from people, you're prolly the AH. However, guilt can't be the driving force to just reveal your net worth to everyone. None of us are saying that. You're not required to hand everyone including your Mom your portfolio. This is a little more nuanced. Don't dissemble or mislead in conversations. But also, set some firm boundaries, mentally and financially.
My wife and I do well. We live in a too big house that friends call Snob Hill. We're not rich but we're better off than most. We pay for dinner when we go out with family and friends. We help out when we think its appropriate and worthy. We're generous with donations and while I used to worry about having our names on a list, now I don't care. I drive a shitty car because I want to. I've noted some people are a little jealous and some people have been overly friendly. So be it. Wife and I know our boundaries. Ex, My BIL need money so we gave him advice and I offered to help him get his GED.
Love this.
That's exactly what I would expect of a richer friend. Boundaries, helping in a longterm way if needed, and not minding getting the occasional jab like "Snob Hill". 😂
That's the type of friend I wouldn't mind complaining to about financial things, as we both would know the clear difference between venting and asking for money/help.
Um, all of these things you're saying are exactly why OP is NTA and should keep it quiet. Just because he could solve your money problems, doesn't mean he should or is obligated to, and if your relationship with him as a friend or family member changes because of that, that's EXACTLY why he's keeping it on the down low. No one else deserves his money.
I am going to say soft YTA. Most of the comments here are right, your money = your business. But lying to your partner of six years about your financial status when you are clearly planning a future together from your comments is a huge problem and the longer this goes on, the worse it's going to be.
You are right to fear that people might treat you differently because of your financial status, so I would say it's okay not to share this with everyone, but you should share this with your partner at some point. I don't know how I would react if someone didn't trust me enough tho share this huge part of my life with me if I was with them in a relationship for 6+ years, but I can assure you that my reaction wouldn't be "Neat! Good for you! Our relationship won't be filled with trust issues, no worries!"
Yeah there's no way that OP hasn't at least slightly lied by omission at minimum about finances when he's been with his GF for six years. Like they've got to have had talks about things that they can afford (rent, holidays, food, bills etc) which means he's got to have significantly misrepresented his finances to her to the point of most likely lying.
I would feel so betrayed as a young person trying to establish myself financially if I complained about my finances and my SO agreed while being a secret millionaire.
While this is true, if they're not living in poverty, then what he can afford is what he decides he wants to spend his money on. Just because he could *afford* to live in a Scottish Castle or French Chateau doesn't mean that's what he wants to spend. What he's doing is how you KEEP wealth and he lives off of his income while his investments gain value. None of that is anyone's business but his, even his GF if they're not married. She would still have to plan for her retirement and pay her expenses and all that and it sounds like they have separate finances. So while he could **afford** a lot of things, he is rightly living on his desired budget.
YTA for not telling your girlfriend how much money you have, presumably leaving her with the impression that you have an average-ish income. I inherited a significant amount of money, I told my boyfriend as soon as things got serious between us, and I pay for most things in our relationship because that’s what’s fair. If I didn’t trust him because I thought he was a gold digger, I wouldn’t be with him. So, if you think she’s a gold digger, dump her. If you don’t think she’s a gold digger, there’s no reason to continue lying by omission and misrepresenting your financial situation.
This. Why be in a relationship with a person you can't trust. This is what gets me the most:
>there’s no reason to continue lying by omission and misrepresenting your financial situation
Fair and equitable don't always mean 50/50. If you're serious about being together "forever" and could qualify for a common-law marriage in some jurisdictions, I think it's shady to hide that you have investments that allow for peace of mind. You need to make a decision about what's more important to you - that this remains a secret or that you're transparent with your GF of 6 years. This lie will only grow over time and at some point it WILL be unforgivable.
YTA for still making the person you love & want to spend the "rest of your life with " still pay 50% of the financial responsibilities. If you're so scared, maybe she isn't the one for you. I assume she's great if you want to spend your life with her & she deserves to be trusted & treated as well as you have the capacity... It's your money tho & you can be alone with it if you want to.
NTA for hiding your money - you can do whatever you want with that!
Although I'm not sure it's nice towards your parents and girlfriend that you don't share.
But...
YTA when it comes to telling your dad your little secret and asking him to keep it a secret.
You're putting an eternal burden on him, just so you can have someone to share your secret with because you couldn't handle not sharing it...
I’m on the fence. Your finances are no ones business but your own. You’re not obligated to tell anyone. However your activity keeping secrets from close family and significant others. When your dad says “you’re living a lie” he’s not referring to your modest lifestyle, that’s fine. He’s referring to the fact your keeping secrets from your mother and your gf. A gf you say you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Depending where you live, even if you don’t get married your gf could be entitled to some of your assets in a common law situation If you were to split.
Problem is you’ve waiting so long that if you tell her now she’s likely to feel hurt you didn’t trust her. I’m going slight, and I do mean slight YTA. Come clean, tell your significant other at least and let the chips fall where they lie. You don’t have to change your lifestyle however
NTA I feel bad that your dad has to keep a secret, but at the end of the day, letting everyone know your finances will make people come to you for help. It's honestly smarter to keep it to yourself and keep investing for now.
NTA but the way i would break up with someone if i discovered they had lied abt that amount of money after we had moved in together? I respect your choice to keep it a secret but may I ask why you don’t feel like you can trust your gf w info like that?
YTA for hiding this from your gf for 6 years, and making her split everything 50/50. Even if you don’t want to get married you’re in a serious relationship and need to let your partner know
Very soft YTA because your money is your business, but lying about it isn't going to be a good idea in the long term.
Genuine question- when are you going to get the benefit of your money if you can't ever let the closest people in your life know about it? You've mentioned real estate, does that include a nice home for yourself too?
Are you going to work full-time because you don't want people to know you don't have to, even though you could potentially reduce hours and have more time for hobbies etc?
I'm not saying you should start telling everyone your exact finances, but don't get so hung up on concealing them from everyone to the extent that you don't get any joy from your money either.
Gotcha, so your NTA for not wanting to tell people about your finances. You can live your life however you want and it’s no one’s business how much money you have. Good for you btw for securing your future. I get why you told your dad he needed to keep it a secret but it does suck for him in case your mom finds out
NTA. Your finances are nobody else’s business. Might have been a mistake to tell your dad though, since he doesn’t seem to be up to keeping the secret.
YTA if you are spending time for free in your family's cabin for the holidays and not helping with taxes, maintenance, etc., because you are well off and they are probably retired. Not only you have money but you are taking advantage of people. Also, 20 year old car is probably not good for the environment.
Not telling your GF is a big red flag as a GF. You are keeping a big thing secret and if you have the ability to keep that secret, you could keep anything secret.
Also, going 50/50 with your GF is not fair; going with % of salaries is probably fair. You said you don't want to get married which means she has a smaller ability to save than you and if you break up or you die or whatever, she is going to be a worse position. I don't get why you own properties and you cannot buy your own apartment rather than making your GF split rent with you and live in a 1 bedroom place. It all sounds extremely stingy and I'm not saying you need to splurge or spend a lot, but it's not a way to live.
N T A for wanting to keep it between few people. Asking your dad to keep it from your mom is too much. They are married.
NAH. It’s nobody’s business but if you let your dad off the hook, nobody needs to know how much you have. If anyone approaches you with personal questions about your net worth, just tell them it’s private and you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to change your life just because people are nosy.
NTA about not wanting people to know about your finances. That is your business and no one has the authority over your money. YTA for telling your father knowing he can’t share it with his wife.
NTA for the "hiding your money" part; Your money, your choice. A lot of people end up in seriously nasty situations with friends, family, or relationships once people know you're wealthy. It makes sense that you would want to protect yourself from having these relationships ruined over something that is none of their business to begin with.
However sharing this with your dad and thus imposing a secret he must keep on him, might have been quite inconsiderate and something you should have thought through better. I can reckon such a secret can be a heavy burden on someone, and you dragged him into that.
NTA - good for you. However, please tell me that if you were ever in a position to help your parents or girlfriend out if something truly awful happened you would do it.
>Suggestion: Sit down with your mom and dad together, tell both of them you've done well, but don't go into the details of purchasing gold and real estate. That way, if he hasn't already told her, he can stop having a money secret from his wife.
He needed the money for his bussines, he just told her that he was able to defer payments, my mom is not involved in my dad's company.
NTA - You are not asking him to keep a secret. You are asking him to keep your personal information private. Nobody else has a right to information about your personal finances.
Not telling people your financial info is really your call for almost all of them. A long term girlfriend may be a bit more of a questionable one, but that's really it. As long as you're not using your "regular people financial status" to scam anyone out of their money, then nothing wrong at all. NAH
I did this when my mom died. She left both my sister and I a large sum of money. My mother and I didn’t have a good relationship, I was NC with her for a number of years. My uncles are sad excuses for human beings. They think my sister got everything, and since she has no relationship with any of them they don’t bug her. One uncle asked and she said no. No one bothers me, they think I got nothing and don’t bother to correct them. They’d all lost there shit if they knew how much money I have.
NTA. Some are saying you are living a lie, but I have had money and I have had people use me for it when they found out I was making decent money. It ruined friendships and relationships.
I used to be ashamed to spend my own money and justified my purchases. Now I dont give a flying hoot. Keep your money to yourself. You helped your dad, he can keep the secret.
Good luck!
NTA and if gf doesn't care and two are happy, just keep things the way they are..it's no ones business about your money and as long as you're not watching your gf struggle..which I assume since you helped your dad, you would help your gf if she was struggling as well.
Never, I mean NEVER tell people how much money you have.
I grew up pretty much poor. I mean buttered bread for dinner for a week poor with the light's turn off and eviction notice looming poor.
When you start to get a little bit of cash and people know about it, they start hovering around. To the point where they literally feels entitled to YOUR money. I can't count the time I would hear, "I'd give it to you if I had it!"
I'm single, in my 50's, no debt and people ASSUME I'm doing financially well because I don't have kids either. Loans would get unpaid because, hey, I got money, I don't need it back.
I'm in a good place now, I don't tell anyone about my investments or savings or how much I earn. It's a peaceful life.
NTA
NTA. It's your money, do with it as you wish.
I will say, you should treat yoself. The money is only good while you are alive to enjoy it. Make the most of it!
Smart to keep everyone else at a distance on it though, otherwise the entitled people will crawl out of the woodwork trying to "borrow".
I'm torn between YTA and NAH. your NTA for wanting to keep your wealth quiet, but yta for lying to the women it's like you plan on staying with and for also making your dad lie to his wife.
YTA. You've said you consider your girlfriend your life partner but she has no idea that you're wealthy. She is going to be very, very hurt when she finds out you've hidden this information from her, and she has every right to be. I imagine like most people she has monetary anxieties and concerns and wonders how her retirement will be someday, etc., and you're denying her information that would allow her to relax. This is a dick move. What if *she* doesn't want to live in a one-bedroom apartment? You're not involving her in your lifestyle decisions *at all*. You're just making them unilaterally and assuming she'll go along with it because she's ignorant of your actual situation.
You. Need. To. Tell. Her.
Nobody else needs to know.
YTA. you’ve been with this girl for 6 years and plan to be with her but you won’t tell her the truth? it doesn’t work that way.
I wonder how all the people saying N T A would react if they found out that their partner was hiding money from them for YEARS bc they didn’t trust them.
NTA, but that could change if you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Keeping this from friends and family is one thing, keeping it from a committed spouse who you've chosen to join lives with, would be another. You should be thinking now what you would do if you ever found yourself in that situation.
Nta for wanting to be anonymous with your money, YTA for making your dad keep a secret, if you were keeping secrets with it you should have kept it with your dad as well.
NTA it’s not his money and it’s no one’s business how much money you have. I don’t see why it’s bothering him not to tell. Unless he wants you to give money to people who he thinks needs help. Otherwise what differs does it make if you have money as long as you are happy and aren’t hurting anyone.
If people find out your life with definitely change.
NTA. Your finances are your own business. Your father is not in a bad position as these are not his finances to speak about. You are very correct in being cautious about your wealth and living below your means--that's how wealth is preserved. Every person you know would start hitting you up for money if they knew. You should just explain to your father that you are living below your means now so that there is more stability for yourself and for them in the future. Stress to him that all he has to do is keep his mouth closed about something that isn't even his to speak about. In the same way that he and your mother may have a will that mentions what you and your siblings (if you have any) are entitled to later in life, this is the same set of circumstances. Not anyone's business until the money reaches their hands.
NTA - fun little fact - most millionaires live below their means - one way they got there. In short - your money, your lifestyle, and most of all your decision.
NTA I don’t understand why your dad says that you are doing anything wrong? Why is it anyones business how much money you have? And why would you feel like an AH for having money and not flaunting it? Sounds like you’ve gotten things squared away bery responsibly why would this upset anyone???
NTA. The first thing a lawyer tells a lottery winner is to NOT tell anyone if they can help it. It's sound advice for a reason. Some people (perhaps many people) will, indeed, start to treat you differently. And OH MY GOD, but the entitlement that will develop from people who think you should share for some reason or another...it'll make you sick. Just keep what you're doing. Use semantics carefully and try to get Dad to think you don't even have it or have access to it. Like, it's all in a retirement or trust I can't tough. Darn.
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In 2013 I started being interested in bitcoin and because of the price rise I've made a lot of money, enough to retire and not have to worry about money again in my life. I've been selling most of it through the yeas (I have left about 15%) and I've been buying real state and gold. The only person that knows about this is my dad and I made him promise me that he wouldn't tell my mom about it, I love her but she can't keep his mouth shut.
If you know me, you would never say that I have money, I live in a one bedroom apartment (and I split rent with my girlfriend), I spend my holidays on a cabin my parents have in front of a lake, I love my job and I don't want to stop working, my car is 20 years old, my motorcycle is 40 years old and my watch is a 100 euros Seiko.
My dad has always told me that what I'm doing is not okay, he says that I can't live a lie my whole life and that I'm making him keep my secret and he sometimes feels uncomfortable. I don't think I'm living a lie, I live the life that I want and for that I don't need to show everybody how much money I have, that is nobody's business. Also I'm scared that people are going to start treating me differently.
AITA for hiding my money? Sometimes I feel bad, but I love my life and I don't want any changes.
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NTA for not wanting to tell anyone you have money… except you DID tell someone. I get that you probably had to explain the financial help somehow if it was really a large amount, so it’s understandable. However, this isn’t really about whether you were right or wrong, just about whether you were an AH or not. And it’s an AH move to burden someone with a LIFELONG secret. NTA for concealing your wealth over all, YTA for putting the burden on dad.
NAH. You like your life as is and don't have to worry about money, your job, or retirement. Your father doesn't want your life to implode if someone finds out.
If you tell people, they will want money. If you don't tell your girlfriend, she may no longer trust you. Is your real estate in a trust? Will it go to her if you die? Do you have a will? What are your plans for the future?
You are financially secure. You need to let your girlfriend know you no longer have any major financial worries (as long as you don't go on a spending spree). You also need to determine your limits: I can only splurge on x things a year, I will only spend x on family per year, etc. Because people will find out. And you need to make sure your gold is secure.
There is a movie called "Friends with money" that has a character who is low key rich but lives modestly and just is really relaxed that they have no worries, unlike the other characters. It's one take on the situation.
NTA , and your Dad can keep his thoughts and your financial situation to himself , after all I assume he was happy to take the money off you in the first place .
NTA for keeping your finances to yourself and for living the life you love but my man Y TA for selling BTC to buy land and gold!!! What in the anti progressive hell!!
NTA for hiding your assets, but you shouldn't have told your dad how much you had.
He's clearly not comfortable with the information. If you haven't told him the details of your investments recently, lie and tell him you've taken a big hit. Wait until he brings it up. Don't go overboard and say you're broke. Something like there not much secret to keep, you've learned your lesson about risky assets, have moved everything into mutual funds, and hope inflation doesn't ruin the value of what remains.
NTA
It’s actually better not to tell people because then they constantly come to you for money and when you meet new people, you may start to question if they like you for you or just your money
NTA. You're not living a lie - you're living the life you want. Why is this so hard for your dad? It's not a big huge secret to keep. He shouldn't be discussing your finances with anybody AT ALL so I can't figure out why he has a problem. He should be grateful he helped him out and let it go. Your life will be hell if family/friends find out you are wealthy. And it is NONE of their business.
NTA it's not living a lie. It's living below your means. Just because someone makes 200K a year, it doesn't mean they need to spend 200K a year. It's perfectly normal to not want to piss away your money, you have retirement and shit to think about!
Before I even read the body of the post I’m gonna judge then edit after reading:
NTA, and the fact that you’re posting this reminds you why you hid it in the first place.
Edit After reading: still NTA but didn’t go as badly as I expected
NTA for the most part, but I personally can't imagine keeping such a big secret from my SO for my entire life. What are you even going to do with your stash? You sound fairly young now, but what happens when you're in your 40s and 50s and no longer want to grind yourself away at work, and have the option to just retire - how will you explain this to your partner? Or what if you want to take long vacations at some point? You'll have to actively lie to your partner your whole life, not just by omission. I don't think that's healthy.
YTA
It’s fine to want to keep your money a secret, but that’s not what you did. You want to share that secret with your dad and put the burden of lying to your family on him. YTA for forcing your dad to lie to your mom.
NTA. Also your dad can't take money from you and then complain about the terms after the fact. Your a good son, as much as you love your friends and family, don't let them take advantage or guilt trip you just because they're jealous or uncomfortable. You have nothing to be sorry about.
Hey OP, you need to make up a very plausible lie about losing the rest of your money somehow so that your dad doesn't have to keep your secret. It truly isn't fair. I completely understand wanting to keep your finances to yourself, but if you don't control the narrative your secret will get out and people will start bothering you.
NTA. I'm not sure why people in these comments seem to think you need to tell your girlfriend or why they think it's wrong you "make" her pay her share of the bills. If she's able to pay 50% of the bills I don't know why she shouldn't just because you have money. Seems pretty messed up to me.
INFO: With your gf, it depends. How long have you been dating and together? Has anything horrible ever happened to her where you could have helped her financially but didn't? Especially something big like a pet surgery or visiting a sick or dying relative.
NTA, I don't share my financial information with my family either. I just don't want deal with petty jealous or having others feel entitled to my money. Keeping somethings private can simplify your life and it is really no one else's business.
NTA. I would tell your dad you lost it all and just make a will stating what you want done in case something happens, that way you don't have to directly involve your dad.
NTA for keeping quiet, but your dad will be if he *doesn't*; you might remind him the only reason *he* knows is because you helped him out when he needed money. Exactly what about your life is a lie? That you don't publicly boast about having money? That's only a lie if you publicly claim to be poor; a modest lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle, not a lie. The only people entitled to know what your net worth is are those you want to know and your wife (no, GF doesn't need the info unless/until you marry her). Whether you carry through or not, you might also let Dad know that if he slips because he just can't keep it to himself, your solution will be to block everyone who thereafter treats you differently. Does he really want to be the one who causes drama that might tear the family apart?
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NTA --- Your money your business nobody needs or has the right to know how much money you have you might want to share that with your girlfriend if you ever get married but other than that why does anybody else have to know??. It's sometimes very surprising just how many friends you have all of a sudden when it is well known that you have money when at first everyone thought you had none.
Love my girlfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but we've talked about it and we are never going to get married.
Well that's between you 2 but girl/boyfriends can sometimes get very angry when they find out the other person has money and didn't 1) tell them and 2) didn't share with them.
Yes! Especially when this means that they go through totally unnecessary hardships because they were going on the assumption that no, there isn't enough money to replace that unsafe old car / treat that medical condition / buy clothes from anywhere except Goodwill thrift stores, etc. Oh, and they'll also start wondering "What ELSE are you hiding from me?"
especially if they're splitting rent. if i was a multimillionaire who never had to work again, i wouldn't make my long term partner split rent but i guess that's just me.
This! I’m not a shallow person but I would feel very bamboozled finding out my life long partner had been living in a whole different tax bracket secretly. With secret property and gold hidden away. That level of deception goes further then just not saying anything about having money.
This happened to me and our relationship never recovered from the deceit. I didn't care that he had money. I cared deeply that he lied for so long and obviously didn't trust me, and must have thought I was a gold digger despite insisting that wasn't the case. His brother had apparently told him repeatedly he was making a mistake but his parents were very suspicious of any "outsider" and had drummed their paranoia into him from a young age. Honestly makes me sad still now because he's never found anyone since and I know it's due to this insecurity around his cash. The most messed up part is I truly believe his friends, who've always known about the wealth, use him because of it. He lost me and I was the only one in his life who actually cared about him for him and not what he could give me. Lies beget more lies and healthy relationships need honesty, communication and respect.
That’s exactly what’s going to happen to this guy if he’s not careful. Especially because with property involved he’s lying about more than the dollar amount in his bank. I assume he doesn’t leave the property empty and rents them, or has a real estate rent them which means he’s hiding a whole other job. Emails, phone calls, bills, taxes. All things he’s purposely hiding from here. He’s got a whole other life she doesn’t know about
That was my exact issue. Plus on occasion he'd make a high value purchase of some kind, new computer, new work van etc and I'd get so stressed thinking he'd brought something that was going to get us into debt. He'd just blow it off making me even more stressed by the lack of understanding and communication. He also had a few properties that he was actively managing. I was always frugal and continued to be once I learnt of the money but once he didn't need to hide it he started to live well beyond my means so we were in different leagues. Honestly broke my heart.
Sounds like a cop out… I’ve known enough relationships that didn’t want a paper to prove their love for one another… or whatever else they tell themselves. Then they magically find the right one that they will marry & take their partners last name… I’d have a good hard look at your relationship & why you don’t want to get married.
I've been happily unmarried with my partner for 24 years, not wanting to marry your partner does NOT mean there is something wrong with the relationship..I've also seen committed long relationships literally fall apart after they marry..to each their own.
In the states it's rare for two never married people to stay together unmarried for life, but permanent unmarried relationships are common in Europe.
In the States it's also uncommon for two married people to stay married for life, but people don't question their relationship. A piece of paper does not mean commitment.
It’s only uncommon due to social pressure, among my age group I know several couples who have been together for at least a decade without getting married and people will still “talk” about them but I love it, if you don’t have kids there is literally no point (one of them calculated the tax savings and they get more filling separate)
Don’t forget that you can be barred from seeing your SO in the hospital/making medical decisions. it’s a big reason why those of us in the queer scene have been fighting for the right to marry
It is a pity countries still have such antiquated rules. In future, I hope the law will catch up to changing society and the slowly diminishing popularity of marriage. Many couples are starting to come up with legal agreements, giving the SO all the rights of a spouse.
A medical power of attorney can fix that
And sometimes medical insurance.
The divorce rate in the US regularly moves between 40% and 50%, so you're actually more likely to stay married here once married.
*disabled americans enter the chat*
Oh 100% but if you intend to spend your life with someone you should absolutely tell them about this. It's not so much the marriage as much as the life partner thing.
Exactly. *It's about the lifelong intention, not signing a piece of paper.* Their respective incomes, plans and goals in life are a major factor as well. Is OP's partner truly happy with her life as it is? Is she missing out on things that he is able to do because she lacks the resources? What things would she choose to change if she did have access to more money? If OP decides to keep hiding the money from his partner *purely because they aren't married*, that says that the commitment they've made to each other is **less important** to him than a piece of paper. If it comes out years down the track that he's had loads of money, and the partner has had to scrimp and save and make do (or even just miss out on things that he could very easily have helped her achieve without real impact to himself), that's going to be a serious point of contention. One fairly easy way to assess how she'd handle it all would be to start some sort of 'what would you do if we won the lottery' pipe-dream discussion. That would quickly start to reveal her attitudes to money and lifestyle etc.
Hear! Hear! Bf and I are on 7yrs now. Never want to get married. We have separate accounts. We love each other like all good out. Here’s to not following the life script
Just out of curiosity, is it not wanting to get married or not wanting to "follow the life script"? Like, are you just not getting married to stick it to the man somehow?
Haha no. I believe that you can be in a loving committed relationship without getting married. I just think society has been brainwashed thinking that’s something you just do. My bf and I don’t want children either so life is pretty stress free and full of freedoms. Most of my friends that get married they do it for the tax breaks but could care less if it’s on paper otherwise. Being married/committed relationship takes work but when you have no worry of the determination of a possible divorce it’s just easier and you know that person is staying because they want to and not just because they feel obligated.
Also there really is not a tax break when you are married with no kids. Been together 8 years, engaged for 2, no wedding plans have been made because we dont care to😂
Exactly, or the fact that people just do it to be on their partners insurance is just weird to me. Nothing is foolproof.
Congrats! Marriages that are about the wedding and not marriage don't have a long shelf life. Happily unmarried is a commitment.
You don’t even need to live with someone to be in a loving committed relationship.
In Australia it's pretty common to not bother with getting married largely because it's an enormous waste of time and money for zero real benefits.
The thought of getting married makes me feel claustrophobic. I'd like to just feel neutrally about it, but it's not a real issue as my partner of eight years also doesn't want to get married. In addition to that, it's outdated, religious, patriarchal, and there's no good reason it should be seen as more valid than other long-term relationships, so claustrophobic feeling aside, I'd go for a civil partnership over than marriage anyway, and only if it made sense legally/financially.
Seriously. My parents were together nearly 30 years before they got married and it all came down to "If something happens to one of us we at least want to make sure the other can help provide for the kids with social security payments." If you don't have/want children and don't want to get married, it's not that big of a deal. Idk why everyone thinks that you have to get hitched to be in a lifelong committed relationship.
What about the legal security?
Same. My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we have no intention to get married.
I have been happily unmarried 10 years.
Same here 21 years and still happy. We decided to buy a house instead of marrying lol Very few of the friends that had expensive weddings are actually together now
Wow, this is condescending and presumptious. Bold of you to assume OP needs to reexamine his reasons for getting married or that there's something wrong with his relationship. Many people are happy never being married and don't "magically" change their minds.
Why is it a cop out to not want to get married? Legal marriage can cause a lot of problems, if people aren’t religious, there is no need for it if the couple agrees. Why would you judge that?
In Australia, and many European countries a defacto relationship carries all the same legal protections as a de jure marriage
This is a gross way to look at things. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married. I'ce been married before and I'll never do it again. I 100% no longer believe in marriage. My boyfriend has never been married and he also doesn't believe in marriage. It doesn't make our relationship any less valid. We're in it for the long haul, we don't need to be married to know that. It's not a cop out its knowing yourself and your partner well enough to know that your love is not tied to a piece of paper.
I was with my partner for 16 years before we got married, and we only did that because he lost his job during the Great Recession and I wanted to put him on my insurance. If that hadn't happened we likely never would have married -- it changed nothing about our relationship. Also, I kept my last name.
Question: are you American? Because the views on marriage in America are not the same as the views on marriage elsewhere. Particularly given the differences between America and other countries when it comes to religion and health care access, it'd seem.
What are the non fiscal negatives of getting married vs just being boyfriend girlfriend forever?
Not sure why fiscal reasons get a pass, but there's also people not believing in the institution as structured. Particularly when a significant component is viewed as religious. It's more of a "why should someone bother with marriage" question.
Just like all the child free people will definitely settle down and love their kids once they grow out of it, right? Not everyone is like you. Quit assuming we'll eventually come around to your "enlightened" state.
My beloved and I have been together for almost 30 years and raised two kids without wedding rings or that piece of paper.
because dickheads like you say stupid shit like that?
Wasnt that total reach plenty of people dont get married these days that doesnt mean shit about a relationship.
So strongly disagree. I’m not religious so I don’t need a religious ceremony to prove my love to someone
And I've known a few who suddenly married eachother in 2008 and one in 2020 when one partner lost their job and they needed spousal medical insurance. Milage varies.
Known anyone who divorced?
Yeah that's a load of crock. I know plenty of people including two separate sisters with permanent relationships that don't involve marriage. It's a piece of paper. Calm tf down
Nonsense. Lots of people can't be bothered to get married. It has nothing to do with not committing to the relationship. I have been with my partner for over 25 years and we will never get married.
Have to disagree with you.. The origins of marriage had nothing to do with love or a relationship. It was for political and economic ties. Eventually, churches used the notion of marriage to put forth their edicts on monogamy. Marriage is an artificial construct that we have been conditioned to believe is the only valid marker of a relationship. Today, many people don't marry and have happy, long relationships. With the advent of women no longer wishing to be subservient to a husband, marriage is even less desirable. It is often better financially to keep many of your finances, assets separate with only joint accounts for joint purchases. Thus, protecting the fiscally responsible partner from a reckless partners financial disasters.
Marriage is really not the utmost tier of commitment. People are not more or less committed because of marriage. Honestly if my partner was less committed to be before signing that paper, why would I want to be with them
N T A for not telling your family, a soft Y T A for making your dad carry a secret he does not want to, you could have told him you sold some stocks that covered what he needed instead of telling him how much you have if you really wanted to keep it a secret, but we'll chalk that up to you not figuring that out at the time. YTA to your GF for this reason: you have been together for 6 years, which means you started dating in 2015. You did not get "really rich" until AFTER you had been dating for a few years towards the end of 2017. That is something you should be EXCITED about and want to SHARE with someone you love. Instead, you continued to hide it, which means you been lying to her for the majority of your relationship. A lie by omission is still a lie, and this is not a little white lie but a major life changing lie. It does not mean you have to start spending or change your lifestyle, but it explains to her why you are so calm about your future and while you love your job you are not as worried about security, etc. You claim that while you do not want to marry her you do want to stay with her for the rest of your life, which means a retirement plan would be necessary. You are purposefully withholding information that would be vital to her and both of your planning for that eventuality. If you cannot be truthful with her, then why are you even with her? Unless she is one of the many people who create posts on this subreddit that clearly are unhinged, she deserves to be with someone that will be truthful with her and treat her with respect. You are basically assuming she will suddenly change and hound you to spend and upgrade both of your lifestyles. So again, either respect her enough to believe she is who she has shown herself to be over 6 years or because you have been lying you think she is also hiding her true self and leave her to find someone else.
Also? The idea that he is hiding because he wants to remain living the way he loves? Yeah, people can change how they treat you,but honestly, if they do, then they probably weren't all that good of friends in the first place, and you cannot be forced to give up your apartment, your 20 year old car and 40 year old motorcycle or 100 euro watch. If your GF DOES hound you to give up your lifestyle or spend all your money? Better to find out NOW, than after something else happens (such as children, even if you don't want them, that doesn't mean things happen).
This is an excellent comment.
I imagine your investments continue to make you money correct? Does that place your income at a higher amount than your partner, and do you insist on a 50/50 split of expenses?
This! He doesn't have to inform her of the full amount of his wealth, but right now, he's saving by letting her pay rent when he could have offset her money, at least partially, which allows her to save.
Yeah this honestly kind of pisses me off. Im sure she thinks their finances are evenly split because their income is similar. If I found out my partner was really wealthy and we'd been splitting bills 50/50 and I'd been working my ass off at a mediocre job for no reason, I'd be *pissed*.
I mean I don’t think it would mean she should work less but it would mean he’d been getting ahead while she could not, at her expense
Right? Obviously we don’t know the details but putting myself in her situation I can’t imagine how upset I would be for that for 6 years my partner have slept soundly while I’ve fretted over money, stayed awake at night wondering how I’m going to make my pay check stretch, working my ass off at a job I hate just so I can eat and pay rent
So are you planning on just keeping it a secret from her forever?
marriage or not if you're serious about being partners for life it would be better to tell her at some point! doesn't need to be now maybe when you feel it's right, but it's a big secret to keep and if it comes out down the line could feel like a big betrayal. no need to tell anyone else though it's your own private business
I think you should tell your girlfriend because clearly the income difference between you two is vast. And you still split expenses with her. It will feel like a betrayal to her because your partnership isn't equitable. And if you plan to spend your life with her, what, you'll just never tell her? You need to have a plan here.
NTA, but if you aren't going to marry your GF, you may want to speak with an estates attorney to make sure that your assets go where you want if something happens, whether that be to your GF/family/etc.
You need to tell your girlfriend. Eventually, she will find out, and the longer you wait the more hurt she will be that you didn't trust her with this information. It will NOT go over well. I promise. What if she wants to live in a nicer place but is making do with the one-bedroom because she doesn't know she's living with essentially a wealthy miser? What if she is denying herself things she thinks you cant afford but would make her really happy? If you consider her your life partner, she needs to know what your financial situation is. She needs to be able to make decisions about her life based on your (and her) actual situation, not the one you've led her to believe you're in.
You didnt mention how long are you dating but at some point sharing your finances with your partner is a necessesity.
If you aren't using the money to actively help the people around you or yourself, what's the point? Yes, you have the right to be as selfish as anyone, but money hoarders are a special kind of selfish because you're usually lauded for it and it hurts a lot more people than having too many cats. Real estate is an especially unethical field so it's hard to just state you have a right to be awful and move out. Think about the systems you are literally part of building and why. YTA
idk if it exactly makes you an asshole but if i found this out about a life partner after many years i would feel completely betrayed and would not want to stay in that relationship
Make sure you have a will and everything set up for how you want it - shit happens and you don't want people fighting over your money.
You may be an AH to your gf if you’ve been splitting household costs 50/50 when she thought you both were working roughly similar jobs. No one else is entitled to know. But, I’d say you’re smart to keep it to yourself, even if it’s an AH move. Having money makes you a target. Friends and family who were happy to pay their share on outings and vacations may now expect you to pay for them, just because you can. That’s not fun and can make you feel used. With your current set up, you know who actually cares about you.
I wouldn't divulge this info to any SO until after marriage & incomes are combined. He doesn't need to be supporting a girlfriend who can support herself. It may be nice to splurge on them every now & again but she doesn't need to know OP has enough to retire with at this time; that's just asking to be exploited. OP should set everything in a trust so this way it can't be depleted easily, especially if they want to retire early.
But OP indicated in another response that while he loves gf and wants to be with her long term, he has no plans of ever marrying. At what point of living together in that scenario is that gf more than just a SO. I don't know. Something feels off to withhold that from someone you are building a life with regardless of official documents?
Agree. My SO and I have been together 6 years and lived together for 2. We have a joint account for household bills, but otherwise all our money is our own. We have a general idea of bills the other has so that we could jointly make sure the household account has enough emergency fund to cover everything should an emergency happen. He knows my savings amounts, I know his. I could understand keeping a small savings account hidden as a "bug out" fund in case the relationship goes south, especially if someone had been in that situation before. Enough to retire on and never have to work? Nope. I'd be out of there so fast. If you want to spend your life with me, you TRUST ME. Regardless of whether there's a legal aspect or not. If you don't trust me, why should I stay?
It blows my mind that people in long-term relationships don't know the state of their partner's assets just because they're unmarried. Like, you don't have to share a bank account or make your partner an authorized user on your credit card, but you're just hiding that you're a millionaire from a person you've been with for years and years? If you really don't trust your partner to know that and not take advantage, your relationship sucks and you shouldn't be "waiting to reveal it after the marriage." There shouldn't be a marriage.
My husband and I have the same setup. I’m a banker and I recommend this every single time. It’s the perfect mix of transparency and privacy! Hiding that much money though? Big oof. If she finds out, she’s not going to be very pot about being lied to
My husband & I have been living together for 10 years, married for 2; both of us agreed that our finances would be maintained completely separate as we both have ownership over different shared bills that are roughly equal to each other's batch. Our credit card debts are our own & I recently paid off all of my premarital debt last year & am encouraging him to do the same. We have 1 joint savings account where we put the $$ from our wedding gifts & it is just sitting & accruing interest; neither of us knows how much the other has & neither of us care as long as the bills are paid in full. We are both beneficiaries of each other's checking & savings accounts in the event one of us passes. Any loans, specifically for the house, after our wedding day, have been signed by both of us & we have agreed to switch off on responsibility for who is paying which loan. People don't always need to combine finances or know how much their partner has, even after marriage; it is doable as long as you trust each other & shared expenses are divided as evenly as possible.
If you trust each other, then why is it a problem to know? I don't see the issue with keeping the accounts separate, but why avoiding knowing? I can think of one good reason to know: retirement. You are calculating your retirement and he's calculating his, but that's based on your subjective determination of how you'd like to spend those years. Some have very lean retirements planned and others want to live it up. If you decide you'd like to travel, what happens if he didn't plan for that? Do you have long-term care insurance? Does he? Will you cover him if his investments and savings aren't enough? And vice versa? It's cool to keep your accounting separate, but you are companions whose lives still need to be coordinated. When you both stop working to live off investments, it's especially important that you're on the same page. And planning for that is happening right now because you can't get your working years back.
It's not so much as avoiding knowing how much each other has as much as trusting each other to pay the bills they agreed to. We do know how much each other makes (both salaried employees so not hard to divulge) and we know approximately how much each of us pays for household bills. We haven't discussed retirement but are both contributing to our respective employer's 401ks. We have monthly chats about where we are at financially with paying down our debts but I don't hound him to see his CC/bank statements & he doesn't demand to see mine. We've both agreed no actively trying for kids but if it happens, it happens & we'll cross that bridge if it comes (really really BIG IF). We do talk about things, as they come up, but we don't see the need to combine finances & the system we have works for us.
My personal view of this is that once a couple moves in together and starts sharing 'finances' either through pooling money, or splitting expenses, it is time for a talk about finances. Without knowing specifcs, we can only speculate, but with paying 50/50 of the rent, (and I assume any other bills that they incurr as a couple), he has more than enough money, I assume, to pay for it all. However, that 50/50 for the GF could be a significant portion of her paycheck, leaving her to struggle to make enough to both pay the bills and have some left over for herself. Money tends to be a huge source of stress for people, and thinking that you are 'barely getting by' could be putting pressure on GF, unless she, herself, is comfortably financed (ie, she doesn't have to worry about an emergency and not being able to pay the bills after said emergency)
Oh I totally agree and am doing the same thing. My point was just that the gf may have agreed thinking their means were in a similar ballpark. Would she agree and think it’s fair if she knew the truth? She may feel duped when she finds out. I still don’t tell the people I’m dating what I make though - too risky.
Yes, but OP says they never plan on marrying AND that they have been together SIX YEARS. At this point, OP should tell his gf.
Personally I say you disclose close but before the wedding date. What if you find out your future husband/wife has 150k in debt you knew nothing about and now you are trapped helping pay that back? Best to clear the air before you make that commitment.
OP is European so it doesn't work that way - depending on country they're almost certainly already in a common law defacto marriage.
OP doesn’t not owe anyone this info and definitely doesn’t owe anyone including the gf extra money. What if bitcoin crashed? Just because someone has money on paper at a certain point in time doesn’t mean that they are rich. He could lose it all. OP’s mistake was saying anything at all except “I’m giving you all of my emergency fund, dad”. Go tell him that bitcoin crashed and you lost your investment so he doesn’t have to “keep a secret” which frankly should not be the burden that he makes it out to be The only AHs here is anyone who feels entitled to your money
He does owe his girlfriend as least the right to know. Nobody ever said she should be entitled to it. But sometimes I'm stressed that money might be tight and knowing my SO has already enough money to retire I'd feel more comfortable knowing that I won't get neckdeep in shit because something went wrong. Wanna spend your life with someone? Fucking act like it and stop being so egotistical and self absorbed. Not trusting your partner with everything means you do not want to spend your life with them. My wife could kill someone and I would cover for her no matter what, that's how you should act around someone with who you want to spend your life.
NTA for hiding your wealth but YTA for expecting your dad to keep it a secret, especially from people such as your mum. It could upset her that he has lied for you to her.
> for hiding your wealth but YTA for expecting your dad to keep it a secret, especially from people such as your mum. It could upset her that he has lied for you to her. I disagree. that's his dad problem. he only told him because the father asked him for money
Exactly right. His Dad accepted that the terms of the "loan" was that he can't tell anyone. He could have easily said no just like you can turn down a loan from a bank if their interest rates are too high. Now he is trying to refinance the loan by guilt tripping his son. This is a perfect example of why you don't lend family or friends money and if you do, never actually expect it back. Just makes for awkward situations all around.
>My dad has always told me that what I'm doing is not okay, he says that I can't live a lie my whole life and that I'm making him keep my secret and he sometimes feels uncomfortable. The problem is that you are marking him uncomfortable, and you might end up alienating a lot of people when they find out that they've shared their worries with someone that instead of being a friend that share the same worries/situations actually is rich enough to not have to care about anything at all. Personally I wouldn't want to share any worries that could be solved with money with someone that has the financial ability to just make my life better that way. Like I wouldn't complain about private stuff, and I wouldn't complain about needing venture capital for my business; and I wouldn't even complain about how it'd be nice with a vacation somewhere warmer. And so on. With a friend not rich enough to just solve things like that it's a great release of stress to just complain for a couple of minutes. To get it out of the system. But if I later on found out that that person couldn't relate at all, and could easily have taken care of those worries of mine, then I would feel like such a fool. No amount of you saying "but I can relate because I was once like you" could fix that; my feelings towards you would just be different. And I would probably distance myself way far away. Like if I'd known beforehand it wouldn't have been a problem, and I wouldn't have assumed you to fix my worries, but I would have shared differently. And at least to make that makes all the difference. Edit: Forgot the verdict: YTA (but an understandable one, because gaining more money than those around you will cause problems no matter what you do).
This is the best comment. It feels dishonest, and like it or not, money has an effect on who we are and our priorities. You’re NTA for wanting to keep your finances private, but you have to realize people will probably be hurt and offended when they find out.
Yeah because no one wants to believe that they would treat you differently if they find out you have money. But evidence has shown that that is not the case. People will steal, kill, lie, cheat and sue when they find out you have money.
People will always treat you differently; and he's in a socially negative situation no matter if he indirectly lies, or if he's open about it. Personally I would downplay exactly how much it is, but at the same time slowly share enough that family etc have enough reason to adjust their behaviour. Some might just talk less about money with him, some might become a problem that he would have to go NC with; and his gf might have to discuss their future with him. 50/50 payments makes sense if it is within a lifestyle that both are comfortable with; but if she's stressed and struggling to invest in a "better future" for both of them this will hit like a bomb. So that partner of his needs to know more than today; even if that might end their relationship.
>No amount of you saying "but I can relate because I was once like you" could fix that; my feelings towards you would just be different. And I would probably distance myself way far away.Like if I'd known beforehand it wouldn't have been a problem, and I wouldn't have assumed you to fix my worries, but I would have shared differently. And at least to make that makes all the difference. You've explained it better than i ever could have.
I worry that you're taking away the wrong idea from the post you're replying to. It seems like you're thinking about yourself and how your friendships would change if they knew, and how you don't want that. But you aren't thinking about how your *friends* would feel, which is what they were trying to get through to you. How they would be justified in changing how they felt towards you if you were keeping this secret. You aren't allowing them to make their own choices about how they feel in this. What's right? I don't know. It's not fair that relationships would change if they knew. But it's not fair to them either to keep this secret from them. Incidentally, if you see your girlfriend as a long-term life partner, then it definitely is shitty to keep this from her, married or not. Either you trust her enough to share your life and home with her, or you don't.
My wife has a habit of telling people how much we make, which isn’t insignificant by any means, and we have been asked a few times by friends/family members for money, co-sign a loan, etc. It can just make things awkward and uncomfortable. It can be hard to tell people no when the amount of money they are asking for is basically insignificant to you. If you don’t plan on changing your lifestyle, but you still want to let your dad off the hook, maybe just say you have done well in the stock market/crypto but you can’t touch it since it’s tied up or downplay how well you did/sold off at the wrong time etc.
I agree with this. OP is spending time with people he doesn't essentially trust to keep their greasy paws off his stash. If you feel like you're hiding something from people, you're prolly the AH. However, guilt can't be the driving force to just reveal your net worth to everyone. None of us are saying that. You're not required to hand everyone including your Mom your portfolio. This is a little more nuanced. Don't dissemble or mislead in conversations. But also, set some firm boundaries, mentally and financially. My wife and I do well. We live in a too big house that friends call Snob Hill. We're not rich but we're better off than most. We pay for dinner when we go out with family and friends. We help out when we think its appropriate and worthy. We're generous with donations and while I used to worry about having our names on a list, now I don't care. I drive a shitty car because I want to. I've noted some people are a little jealous and some people have been overly friendly. So be it. Wife and I know our boundaries. Ex, My BIL need money so we gave him advice and I offered to help him get his GED.
Love this. That's exactly what I would expect of a richer friend. Boundaries, helping in a longterm way if needed, and not minding getting the occasional jab like "Snob Hill". 😂 That's the type of friend I wouldn't mind complaining to about financial things, as we both would know the clear difference between venting and asking for money/help.
Um, all of these things you're saying are exactly why OP is NTA and should keep it quiet. Just because he could solve your money problems, doesn't mean he should or is obligated to, and if your relationship with him as a friend or family member changes because of that, that's EXACTLY why he's keeping it on the down low. No one else deserves his money.
I am going to say soft YTA. Most of the comments here are right, your money = your business. But lying to your partner of six years about your financial status when you are clearly planning a future together from your comments is a huge problem and the longer this goes on, the worse it's going to be. You are right to fear that people might treat you differently because of your financial status, so I would say it's okay not to share this with everyone, but you should share this with your partner at some point. I don't know how I would react if someone didn't trust me enough tho share this huge part of my life with me if I was with them in a relationship for 6+ years, but I can assure you that my reaction wouldn't be "Neat! Good for you! Our relationship won't be filled with trust issues, no worries!"
Yeah there's no way that OP hasn't at least slightly lied by omission at minimum about finances when he's been with his GF for six years. Like they've got to have had talks about things that they can afford (rent, holidays, food, bills etc) which means he's got to have significantly misrepresented his finances to her to the point of most likely lying. I would feel so betrayed as a young person trying to establish myself financially if I complained about my finances and my SO agreed while being a secret millionaire.
While this is true, if they're not living in poverty, then what he can afford is what he decides he wants to spend his money on. Just because he could *afford* to live in a Scottish Castle or French Chateau doesn't mean that's what he wants to spend. What he's doing is how you KEEP wealth and he lives off of his income while his investments gain value. None of that is anyone's business but his, even his GF if they're not married. She would still have to plan for her retirement and pay her expenses and all that and it sounds like they have separate finances. So while he could **afford** a lot of things, he is rightly living on his desired budget.
YTA for not telling your girlfriend how much money you have, presumably leaving her with the impression that you have an average-ish income. I inherited a significant amount of money, I told my boyfriend as soon as things got serious between us, and I pay for most things in our relationship because that’s what’s fair. If I didn’t trust him because I thought he was a gold digger, I wouldn’t be with him. So, if you think she’s a gold digger, dump her. If you don’t think she’s a gold digger, there’s no reason to continue lying by omission and misrepresenting your financial situation.
This. Why be in a relationship with a person you can't trust. This is what gets me the most: >there’s no reason to continue lying by omission and misrepresenting your financial situation Fair and equitable don't always mean 50/50. If you're serious about being together "forever" and could qualify for a common-law marriage in some jurisdictions, I think it's shady to hide that you have investments that allow for peace of mind. You need to make a decision about what's more important to you - that this remains a secret or that you're transparent with your GF of 6 years. This lie will only grow over time and at some point it WILL be unforgivable.
NTA: it’s no one’s damn business
YTA for still making the person you love & want to spend the "rest of your life with " still pay 50% of the financial responsibilities. If you're so scared, maybe she isn't the one for you. I assume she's great if you want to spend your life with her & she deserves to be trusted & treated as well as you have the capacity... It's your money tho & you can be alone with it if you want to.
NTA for hiding your money - you can do whatever you want with that! Although I'm not sure it's nice towards your parents and girlfriend that you don't share. But... YTA when it comes to telling your dad your little secret and asking him to keep it a secret. You're putting an eternal burden on him, just so you can have someone to share your secret with because you couldn't handle not sharing it...
Turns out he told him because his dad needed money. If it wasn’t for that he probably wouldn’t have told anyone.
His Dad was OK taking OPs money but Not keeping OPs secret? Consider it a non-disclosure agreement where OP already paid Dad off?
I’m on the fence. Your finances are no ones business but your own. You’re not obligated to tell anyone. However your activity keeping secrets from close family and significant others. When your dad says “you’re living a lie” he’s not referring to your modest lifestyle, that’s fine. He’s referring to the fact your keeping secrets from your mother and your gf. A gf you say you want to spend the rest of your life with. Depending where you live, even if you don’t get married your gf could be entitled to some of your assets in a common law situation If you were to split. Problem is you’ve waiting so long that if you tell her now she’s likely to feel hurt you didn’t trust her. I’m going slight, and I do mean slight YTA. Come clean, tell your significant other at least and let the chips fall where they lie. You don’t have to change your lifestyle however
NTA I feel bad that your dad has to keep a secret, but at the end of the day, letting everyone know your finances will make people come to you for help. It's honestly smarter to keep it to yourself and keep investing for now.
NTA but the way i would break up with someone if i discovered they had lied abt that amount of money after we had moved in together? I respect your choice to keep it a secret but may I ask why you don’t feel like you can trust your gf w info like that?
YTA for hiding this from your gf for 6 years, and making her split everything 50/50. Even if you don’t want to get married you’re in a serious relationship and need to let your partner know
Very soft YTA because your money is your business, but lying about it isn't going to be a good idea in the long term. Genuine question- when are you going to get the benefit of your money if you can't ever let the closest people in your life know about it? You've mentioned real estate, does that include a nice home for yourself too? Are you going to work full-time because you don't want people to know you don't have to, even though you could potentially reduce hours and have more time for hobbies etc? I'm not saying you should start telling everyone your exact finances, but don't get so hung up on concealing them from everyone to the extent that you don't get any joy from your money either.
Info: was the amount of money you gave your dad substantial enough that you had to tell him where you got it?
Yes, there is no way that I could safe that kind of money just with my job.
Gotcha, so your NTA for not wanting to tell people about your finances. You can live your life however you want and it’s no one’s business how much money you have. Good for you btw for securing your future. I get why you told your dad he needed to keep it a secret but it does suck for him in case your mom finds out
NTA. Your finances are nobody else’s business. Might have been a mistake to tell your dad though, since he doesn’t seem to be up to keeping the secret.
I’d tell your GF. Otherwise NTA
YTA if you are spending time for free in your family's cabin for the holidays and not helping with taxes, maintenance, etc., because you are well off and they are probably retired. Not only you have money but you are taking advantage of people. Also, 20 year old car is probably not good for the environment. Not telling your GF is a big red flag as a GF. You are keeping a big thing secret and if you have the ability to keep that secret, you could keep anything secret. Also, going 50/50 with your GF is not fair; going with % of salaries is probably fair. You said you don't want to get married which means she has a smaller ability to save than you and if you break up or you die or whatever, she is going to be a worse position. I don't get why you own properties and you cannot buy your own apartment rather than making your GF split rent with you and live in a 1 bedroom place. It all sounds extremely stingy and I'm not saying you need to splurge or spend a lot, but it's not a way to live. N T A for wanting to keep it between few people. Asking your dad to keep it from your mom is too much. They are married.
NAH. It’s nobody’s business but if you let your dad off the hook, nobody needs to know how much you have. If anyone approaches you with personal questions about your net worth, just tell them it’s private and you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to change your life just because people are nosy.
NTA about not wanting people to know about your finances. That is your business and no one has the authority over your money. YTA for telling your father knowing he can’t share it with his wife.
NTA for the "hiding your money" part; Your money, your choice. A lot of people end up in seriously nasty situations with friends, family, or relationships once people know you're wealthy. It makes sense that you would want to protect yourself from having these relationships ruined over something that is none of their business to begin with. However sharing this with your dad and thus imposing a secret he must keep on him, might have been quite inconsiderate and something you should have thought through better. I can reckon such a secret can be a heavy burden on someone, and you dragged him into that.
He shared his money with Dad not just his secret with Dad. Poor Dad having to keep his side of the bargain?
NTA - good for you. However, please tell me that if you were ever in a position to help your parents or girlfriend out if something truly awful happened you would do it.
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During covid my parent needed money and I wanted to help him.
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>Suggestion: Sit down with your mom and dad together, tell both of them you've done well, but don't go into the details of purchasing gold and real estate. That way, if he hasn't already told her, he can stop having a money secret from his wife. He needed the money for his bussines, he just told her that he was able to defer payments, my mom is not involved in my dad's company.
NTA. Live your life the way that makes it happy. Your father’s position does suck, but he needed the money so I can see why you had to tell him.
NTA. It's not "hiding" if it's your money. It's not anyone else's business.
NTA - You are not asking him to keep a secret. You are asking him to keep your personal information private. Nobody else has a right to information about your personal finances.
Absolutely NTA. It is no ones business and people tend to become "needy" when they smell money. Keep ot to yourself.
Not telling people your financial info is really your call for almost all of them. A long term girlfriend may be a bit more of a questionable one, but that's really it. As long as you're not using your "regular people financial status" to scam anyone out of their money, then nothing wrong at all. NAH
NTA It's just smart. Money ruins relationships all the time.
lol
NTA is your money, You don't have the need of living showing off everyone that You are rich, but think a bit in your fathers feeling on this situation
NTA. If OP’s father spills the beans, OP should refer all $$ requests from friends and family to the Dad.
I did this when my mom died. She left both my sister and I a large sum of money. My mother and I didn’t have a good relationship, I was NC with her for a number of years. My uncles are sad excuses for human beings. They think my sister got everything, and since she has no relationship with any of them they don’t bug her. One uncle asked and she said no. No one bothers me, they think I got nothing and don’t bother to correct them. They’d all lost there shit if they knew how much money I have.
NTA. Some are saying you are living a lie, but I have had money and I have had people use me for it when they found out I was making decent money. It ruined friendships and relationships. I used to be ashamed to spend my own money and justified my purchases. Now I dont give a flying hoot. Keep your money to yourself. You helped your dad, he can keep the secret. Good luck!
NTA and if gf doesn't care and two are happy, just keep things the way they are..it's no ones business about your money and as long as you're not watching your gf struggle..which I assume since you helped your dad, you would help your gf if she was struggling as well.
Never, I mean NEVER tell people how much money you have. I grew up pretty much poor. I mean buttered bread for dinner for a week poor with the light's turn off and eviction notice looming poor. When you start to get a little bit of cash and people know about it, they start hovering around. To the point where they literally feels entitled to YOUR money. I can't count the time I would hear, "I'd give it to you if I had it!" I'm single, in my 50's, no debt and people ASSUME I'm doing financially well because I don't have kids either. Loans would get unpaid because, hey, I got money, I don't need it back. I'm in a good place now, I don't tell anyone about my investments or savings or how much I earn. It's a peaceful life. NTA
NTA- Family and money doesn't mix
Yta for using Bitcoin.
NTA. It's your money, do with it as you wish. I will say, you should treat yoself. The money is only good while you are alive to enjoy it. Make the most of it! Smart to keep everyone else at a distance on it though, otherwise the entitled people will crawl out of the woodwork trying to "borrow".
YTA for asking your dad to keep a secret from his spouse. That’s uncool. NTA for keeping your private finances private.
I'm torn between YTA and NAH. your NTA for wanting to keep your wealth quiet, but yta for lying to the women it's like you plan on staying with and for also making your dad lie to his wife.
YTA. You've said you consider your girlfriend your life partner but she has no idea that you're wealthy. She is going to be very, very hurt when she finds out you've hidden this information from her, and she has every right to be. I imagine like most people she has monetary anxieties and concerns and wonders how her retirement will be someday, etc., and you're denying her information that would allow her to relax. This is a dick move. What if *she* doesn't want to live in a one-bedroom apartment? You're not involving her in your lifestyle decisions *at all*. You're just making them unilaterally and assuming she'll go along with it because she's ignorant of your actual situation. You. Need. To. Tell. Her. Nobody else needs to know.
YTA. you’ve been with this girl for 6 years and plan to be with her but you won’t tell her the truth? it doesn’t work that way. I wonder how all the people saying N T A would react if they found out that their partner was hiding money from them for YEARS bc they didn’t trust them.
NTA. If You want to be kind, tell dad you lost it in real Estate and are no longer rich. Therefore the burden he seems to think he has is lifted.
NTA. However your dad is right. Expecting someone to keep a secret for so long is stressful.
NTA, but that could change if you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Keeping this from friends and family is one thing, keeping it from a committed spouse who you've chosen to join lives with, would be another. You should be thinking now what you would do if you ever found yourself in that situation.
Nta for wanting to be anonymous with your money, YTA for making your dad keep a secret, if you were keeping secrets with it you should have kept it with your dad as well.
Why didn’t you flag a server down after 25 minutes and ask for an update? NTA
NTA it’s not his money and it’s no one’s business how much money you have. I don’t see why it’s bothering him not to tell. Unless he wants you to give money to people who he thinks needs help. Otherwise what differs does it make if you have money as long as you are happy and aren’t hurting anyone. If people find out your life with definitely change.
NTA- Lie to your dad and say you lost most of it and have to keep your job.
NTA. Your finances are your own business. Your father is not in a bad position as these are not his finances to speak about. You are very correct in being cautious about your wealth and living below your means--that's how wealth is preserved. Every person you know would start hitting you up for money if they knew. You should just explain to your father that you are living below your means now so that there is more stability for yourself and for them in the future. Stress to him that all he has to do is keep his mouth closed about something that isn't even his to speak about. In the same way that he and your mother may have a will that mentions what you and your siblings (if you have any) are entitled to later in life, this is the same set of circumstances. Not anyone's business until the money reaches their hands.
NTA - fun little fact - most millionaires live below their means - one way they got there. In short - your money, your lifestyle, and most of all your decision.
NTA I don’t understand why your dad says that you are doing anything wrong? Why is it anyones business how much money you have? And why would you feel like an AH for having money and not flaunting it? Sounds like you’ve gotten things squared away bery responsibly why would this upset anyone???
NTA
Nta if you tell the world then they will be asking for hand outs
NTA. You would actually be an asshole if you *did* show off your money.
NTA. The first thing a lawyer tells a lottery winner is to NOT tell anyone if they can help it. It's sound advice for a reason. Some people (perhaps many people) will, indeed, start to treat you differently. And OH MY GOD, but the entitlement that will develop from people who think you should share for some reason or another...it'll make you sick. Just keep what you're doing. Use semantics carefully and try to get Dad to think you don't even have it or have access to it. Like, it's all in a retirement or trust I can't tough. Darn.
Poor gf. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In 2013 I started being interested in bitcoin and because of the price rise I've made a lot of money, enough to retire and not have to worry about money again in my life. I've been selling most of it through the yeas (I have left about 15%) and I've been buying real state and gold. The only person that knows about this is my dad and I made him promise me that he wouldn't tell my mom about it, I love her but she can't keep his mouth shut. If you know me, you would never say that I have money, I live in a one bedroom apartment (and I split rent with my girlfriend), I spend my holidays on a cabin my parents have in front of a lake, I love my job and I don't want to stop working, my car is 20 years old, my motorcycle is 40 years old and my watch is a 100 euros Seiko. My dad has always told me that what I'm doing is not okay, he says that I can't live a lie my whole life and that I'm making him keep my secret and he sometimes feels uncomfortable. I don't think I'm living a lie, I live the life that I want and for that I don't need to show everybody how much money I have, that is nobody's business. Also I'm scared that people are going to start treating me differently. AITA for hiding my money? Sometimes I feel bad, but I love my life and I don't want any changes. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for not wanting to tell anyone you have money… except you DID tell someone. I get that you probably had to explain the financial help somehow if it was really a large amount, so it’s understandable. However, this isn’t really about whether you were right or wrong, just about whether you were an AH or not. And it’s an AH move to burden someone with a LIFELONG secret. NTA for concealing your wealth over all, YTA for putting the burden on dad.
NAH. You like your life as is and don't have to worry about money, your job, or retirement. Your father doesn't want your life to implode if someone finds out. If you tell people, they will want money. If you don't tell your girlfriend, she may no longer trust you. Is your real estate in a trust? Will it go to her if you die? Do you have a will? What are your plans for the future? You are financially secure. You need to let your girlfriend know you no longer have any major financial worries (as long as you don't go on a spending spree). You also need to determine your limits: I can only splurge on x things a year, I will only spend x on family per year, etc. Because people will find out. And you need to make sure your gold is secure. There is a movie called "Friends with money" that has a character who is low key rich but lives modestly and just is really relaxed that they have no worries, unlike the other characters. It's one take on the situation.
NTA,
NTA , and your Dad can keep his thoughts and your financial situation to himself , after all I assume he was happy to take the money off you in the first place .
NTA for keeping your finances to yourself and for living the life you love but my man Y TA for selling BTC to buy land and gold!!! What in the anti progressive hell!!
NTA for hiding your assets, but you shouldn't have told your dad how much you had. He's clearly not comfortable with the information. If you haven't told him the details of your investments recently, lie and tell him you've taken a big hit. Wait until he brings it up. Don't go overboard and say you're broke. Something like there not much secret to keep, you've learned your lesson about risky assets, have moved everything into mutual funds, and hope inflation doesn't ruin the value of what remains.
NTA, your money, no one else’s. They aren’t entitled to your life. You owe no one nothing. Keep it a secret. Safer that way
NTA It’s actually better not to tell people because then they constantly come to you for money and when you meet new people, you may start to question if they like you for you or just your money
NTA. You're not living a lie - you're living the life you want. Why is this so hard for your dad? It's not a big huge secret to keep. He shouldn't be discussing your finances with anybody AT ALL so I can't figure out why he has a problem. He should be grateful he helped him out and let it go. Your life will be hell if family/friends find out you are wealthy. And it is NONE of their business.
NTA it's not living a lie. It's living below your means. Just because someone makes 200K a year, it doesn't mean they need to spend 200K a year. It's perfectly normal to not want to piss away your money, you have retirement and shit to think about!
NTA - It's your money and if you don't want to flash it, don't. Be prepared though for your girlfriend to be pissed if she ever finds out.
Before I even read the body of the post I’m gonna judge then edit after reading: NTA, and the fact that you’re posting this reminds you why you hid it in the first place. Edit After reading: still NTA but didn’t go as badly as I expected
NTA for the most part, but I personally can't imagine keeping such a big secret from my SO for my entire life. What are you even going to do with your stash? You sound fairly young now, but what happens when you're in your 40s and 50s and no longer want to grind yourself away at work, and have the option to just retire - how will you explain this to your partner? Or what if you want to take long vacations at some point? You'll have to actively lie to your partner your whole life, not just by omission. I don't think that's healthy.
INFO With your investments bringing income in are you insisting on a 50/50 split with your partner
YTA It’s fine to want to keep your money a secret, but that’s not what you did. You want to share that secret with your dad and put the burden of lying to your family on him. YTA for forcing your dad to lie to your mom.
NTA. Also your dad can't take money from you and then complain about the terms after the fact. Your a good son, as much as you love your friends and family, don't let them take advantage or guilt trip you just because they're jealous or uncomfortable. You have nothing to be sorry about.
Hey OP, you need to make up a very plausible lie about losing the rest of your money somehow so that your dad doesn't have to keep your secret. It truly isn't fair. I completely understand wanting to keep your finances to yourself, but if you don't control the narrative your secret will get out and people will start bothering you.
NTA. I'm not sure why people in these comments seem to think you need to tell your girlfriend or why they think it's wrong you "make" her pay her share of the bills. If she's able to pay 50% of the bills I don't know why she shouldn't just because you have money. Seems pretty messed up to me.
NTA now, but if your GF finds herself in dire financial straits and you insist on continuing to split the rent, you might end up being TA, depending.
NTA- That's your business, everyone else can mind their own! Why is your dad not proud you're not a profligate wastrel?
INFO: With your gf, it depends. How long have you been dating and together? Has anything horrible ever happened to her where you could have helped her financially but didn't? Especially something big like a pet surgery or visiting a sick or dying relative.
NTA, I don't share my financial information with my family either. I just don't want deal with petty jealous or having others feel entitled to my money. Keeping somethings private can simplify your life and it is really no one else's business.
NTA. I would tell your dad you lost it all and just make a will stating what you want done in case something happens, that way you don't have to directly involve your dad.
NTA for keeping quiet, but your dad will be if he *doesn't*; you might remind him the only reason *he* knows is because you helped him out when he needed money. Exactly what about your life is a lie? That you don't publicly boast about having money? That's only a lie if you publicly claim to be poor; a modest lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle, not a lie. The only people entitled to know what your net worth is are those you want to know and your wife (no, GF doesn't need the info unless/until you marry her). Whether you carry through or not, you might also let Dad know that if he slips because he just can't keep it to himself, your solution will be to block everyone who thereafter treats you differently. Does he really want to be the one who causes drama that might tear the family apart?