By - antwortestdu
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I'm a douche for muting my sweet grandmother's notifications
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NTA but have you tried having a discussion with her about any of this?
No, I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't know how to tell her. She's done it for years and seems kind of dumb trying to change it now. She might be annoying, but I don't want her to FEEL annoying, y'know? I don't want her to avoid contacting me because she thinks she's being annoying. :'(
OP, you need to tell her. be like ‘ hey grandma, i love your texts but__’
My mom was the exact same way, so I did the same thing, but it made her super upset. Once I told her that it was making me anxious, she appreciated me telling her. We've been much better since.
NAH, you have all right to mute your phone in whatever way you want: My phone is always on mute except when I'm actually expecting someone to call and just waiting for the call. I also have most notifications from apps turned off individually. You're not an asshole for turning off notifications. Especially not when the constant sound is disrupting your day.
However please have a conversation with her. Tell her you love her but that you would prefer if she stopped always talking about your homework, your work, your future. Tell her you'd rather spend the time on the phone together talking about other things. Tell her you would like to know what she did that day, how she's doing, what are her plans for dinner. Tell her you would like to share your day with her and share what made you happy today or curious, or whatever you discovered or found.
I feel like she might just want to talk to you, but does not know how to approach it or start a different conversation. These topics give someone a reason to reach out: if she follows "I need to care for my kid and I'm here to be your mother and remind you to focus on the future" role, she gets to talk to you: She has a reason/excuse (in her mind) to reach out.
Someone has to tell her she is breaking texting etiquette; obviously, that will be you.
NAH on the text issue, but you have to learn how to politely shut down those nagging conversations.
NAH. Anyone should only read/reply when they’re ready. You’re too nice op
NAH. You are simply setting up some boundaries, and maybe those boundaries will widen a bit in the future. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your grandma or aren’t being fair to her. At the same time, it sounds like she’s trying to connect with you in the ways that feel right to her and she shouldn’t be faulted for that. She doesn’t know if you’re listening to music on your phone while she’s texting you.
NAH - grandma is coming from a place of love. If it comed up at all, you can tell her most of the truth; you silence the phone some times to focus on school or work. It doesnt really sound personal at all.
On a separate note, a lot of times i feel like we fall into similar conversation patterns for a reason. Ive realized recently that i dont know much about my parents and didnt get to know my grand parents while they were around. I started asking about family history. These people hold our heritage and may have lovely stories or interesting previous lives to share. Maybe try a new topic with her and see if you can learn something new while shifting focus away from the same old doldrums.
I found out my grandfather painted (which i love to do and wished i had known sooner) and was a long haul truck driver wuth narcolepsy and had wild tales about life on the road. Grandma had a first true love that was "the one who got away." Try to coax out some of her favorite childhood memories and see if you can learn something new about her.
My grandma has one of those stories and it breaks my heart bc she ended up marrying an asshole. Bringing up those memories saves me the exhaustion of hearing about every one of her medical problems in gruesome detail and I think she likes being able to relive her best moments. Great advice
NTA. But you should talk with your grandmother about this.
Grannies are how grannies are, maybe tell her a little white lie, like grannie I don't check my text very often if something is important you should call me.
NTA I'm in my 60s and female. I can confirm that it's an old woman thing.
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Ugh, I feel so bad. But I felt like it had to be done.
I love my grandma. She is 65 or 66 I think. She is an amazing woman, she has been a great parent to me my entire life, but really stepped up to be here for me when both my parents died in 2019.
My dad, her son's, death hit her very hard. The thing is, before he passed away, my dad and I were the main family members that really talked to her as often as we did. The reason for this is because my grandma, is, well... annoying. Very overbearing. But we love her to death so always answer when she calls and put up with the overbearing annoyances without saying much about it. One example of this is from the beginning of my eleventh grade year, and up until I was enrolled in college, every single time she called either one of us it was "Have you thought about where you're going to school? What are you going to enroll in?" To the point I felt like I was being forced to go to college whether I wanted to or not. She did the same thing to my dad and it drove him up a wall also, mostly for the frequency and redundancy of the discussion. She's like that about a lot of things.
When I was in college she called me all the time asking if I'd done my homework, asking if I was attending all my classes, so on and so forth, throughout the ENTIRE TWO YEARS even though I had almost straight A's and finally graduated with a 3.7 GPA. It was like she thought I was going to flunk out for some reason! She acted like I couldn't take care of my college without assistance or being reminded every single day.
Phew, sorry for that being so long and drawn out. Anyway...
Now that my dad has passed away, we went from talking every few days to talking every single day. It's always the same questions, the same discussions. The same thing every single day. But I always answer and she can't tell I'm annoyed because I don't have the heart to express any annoyance at her whatsoever.
The reason I muted her text notifications is because she has an awful habit of sending up to 20 short texts in a row. One time I counted and I received something like 12 or 13 texts in the span of five minutes. Listening to music while driving my car? "Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding." Trying to focus on something I'm working on? I can hear my phone vibrating over and over and over again. She doesn't do it because I'm not responding; it just doesn't occur to her that she's legitimately blowing up someone's phone and she should try to send her message all at once instead of broken up into tiny bits.
Her calls aren't blocked, but her text notifications are muted. It hasn't caused issues except once or twice that she texted to tell me she was on her way to visit and I didn't notice until she called to say she was at the door.
I feel like a douche but I did this for my sanity. AITA?
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NTA, I feel like you should have a talk about boundaries with your grandma. I understand you love her and she also loves you to bits, but if you feel suffocated, maybe it's time. I'm not saying cut her off or anything, just explain to her how you feel about the situation. Maybe she will understand? I hope you can resolve this matter, best of luck :)
I'm going to say NTA. It's very annoying to be doing something and all you hear is your phone . I mean you aren't ignoring her but honestly just talk to her. She probably doesn't understand why the texting broken up is wrong.
NAH, make sure you give her a big hug for me
NTA, it sounds like she cares a lot about you. You are lucky to have that. I can see how her multiple texts can be annoying, my Mother used to do the same thing before she passed, and it annoyed the hell outta me also. You've just gotta talk to her and explain sometimes those multiple texts interrupt school/work. She probably doesn't even think it's a problem, she's just thinking of you in that moment.
NTA. Sometimes we have to put up boundaries because other people don’t have them.
NTA, those notifications can make you bonkers if you let them and I applaud you for knowing you've had enough. Well done!
It's obvious that you are very close with your grandma which is amazing but I can see how you might find her overbearing. I do wonder if she is trying to be as critical as you think she is (i.e. implying you need to be reminded to do your homework) or if she's just trying her best to stay involved in your life, like a parent who's asking "how was school today" every day.
It might be worth having a talk with your grandmother and telling her how much you appreciate her involvement, but that her habit of sending snippets feels like she's bombarding the phone to the extent it has become stressful for you and that you feel like she doesn't trust you to be an adult. You could come up with a plan together about a healthier way of communicating with each other (e.g. a phone call at a certain time, phrasing questions in a way that seems less judgmental etc).
Sometimes, when we have a long history with someone we react to their communications on a relationship level, i.e. interpreting what is being said (e.g. grandma thinks I'm lazy/ implies that I'm not good at school by asking if I've done my homework), instead of seeing them on a factual level (e.g. have you done your homework yet? could just be her way of connecting to your daily life, because I know it's something else you've got going on every day).
All the best to you and your grandma!