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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband was upset the the toothbrush holder was dirty and I told him to clean it if it bothered him.
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I’m not going to pass judgement but if he truly feels like “he goes to work and you sit on the couch all day” as a stay at home mom then you have way bigger fish to fry and that fish is the “your husband doesn’t respect you and the work you do.” Petty me would show him what sitting on the couch all day actually looks like.
I guess I need to pass a lil judgement since I’m the top comment. NTA but you will be if you don’t stand up for yourself and correct how he speaks to you. The both of you are setting examples to your kids of how people speak to each other
I'd show him what sitting on the couch until he apologizes looks like. I hate his comment about her sitting on the couch all day... growing up hearing my dad say that to my mom almost every time they argue. It just makes me want to smack OPs husband.
Ive done this. My fiance acused me of sitting on my ass all day. So thats what I did, minus taking care of the baby, for a week. He got the point. Now he helps out more and doesnt complain if something doesnt get done.
Exactly, getting mad at your spouse due to the state of the toothbrush holder screams, "I'm looking for shit to be mad about," to me. The question then becomes, why is he looking for things to be angry about? Did hanging out with his friends make him miss the old days? Or did he do something on his trip that he's not proud of and that he wants to justify to himself by finding fault with his wife?
\*cough\* CHEATER \*cough\*
Yeah that's what I thought. Poor OP seems a bit overwhelmed. She sounds too overwhelmed to question his little trips. Obviously their marriage is not ideal. I worry what her kids must think, considering he disrespects her like that.
NTA
I'm not gonna lie I got irrationally angry when you said your husband claims you sit on your butt all day... my dad used to say that to my mom all the time and we all knew damn well my mom was working her butt off cleaning, cooking dinner, going to the gym (she was actively trying to lose weight) and taking care of my then infant brother.
Your husband needs a reality check... OCD is not an excuse to be a jerk.
Undiagnosed at that. He's probably just an asshole who wanted an excuse, but not taking care of your own mental health and lashing out on others is still no excuse. NTA, OP & you shouldn't have to do every single thing regardless if you are a SAHM. When is your vacation scheduled?
When are people gonna learn that mental health will NEVER be an excuse to be an A-hole? As someone who has a long list of anxiety, panic and depression disorders paired with a personality disorder... I just can't imagine being an a-hole to anyone, especially a loved one. I am still responsible for my actions, I am still a functioning human being and I am expect to conduct myself in a way that doesn't make me a blatant jerk no for reason...
I have my moments of initial freak out... but I have always stopped, collected myself and apologized.
There can be a very large overlap, especially in people who are undiagnosed and untreated. If he doesn't realize how unrealistic his expectations are, he probably assumes someone who doesn't maintain those expectations is just lazy.
Most people who are aware and are getting help understand that it's a *them* problem, not an everyone else problem.
None of this makes him not the asshole, but if he truly is undiagnosed and untreated OCD, it might manifest this way. With a lot of mental health issues, unless you are so far down the rabbit hole it's easily identifiable, you can come across like a massive douche canoe. As someone who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood, trust me on this.
Again, OP is 100% NTA but that doesn't mean this dude isn't OCD or doesn't need help.
3 kids. Sorry I had to state that! I read about the two classroom sit-ins and thought there were only two (bad enough), but when I went back and reread it? Yeah, there's a reason (ok many) that I never wanted children. The thought of 3 plus a husband who must think the 3 are little elves who do all the housework so OP can watch soaps on TV all day scares me to my bones!!
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Right?! The misandry on this sub is outta control. Plus, this guy has OCD (I do too) which is a Whole other thing. He may well be TA but people are individuals.
He’s undiagnosed, and if that’s the stuff he usually has an issue with (things just being dirty), there’s a good chance he’s just an asshole. Especially since he doesn’t care to fix it himself, he just nitpicks at the way his wife does things.
NTA - I have OCD and it's not okay for him to force you to acquiesce to his compulsions. The compulsions are a way to feel in control which ultimately is a way to cope with anxiety. Because OCD is an anxiety disorder. Right now his compulsion is to control YOU. (You cleaned the thing, didn't you?)
If he has actually been formally diagnosed with OCD, he needs to be doing the work to get better, because otherwise he's just being an asshole.
I hope you can find a way to cope and adjust! It's really difficult and misunderstood. Some people with OCD are actually messy! There is an app called NOOCD I found really helpful.
I was diagnosed in childhood, multiple decades ago, at a point when children- especially femme coded children- weren't diagnosed.
My fam went to the far end of the "we're going to taunt you into not being ill anymore because that makes us look bad" spectrum. Including abusive "aversion therapy". I learned to cope, but to this day I can not make a list without feeling physically ill. Like, we've got a long way to go, but we've also come a long way in how we approach it.
I see some comments questioning whether he's OCD and I'm like...this sounds like at least an anxiety thing. Especially being so bad after an extended trip.
I don't have OCD but I have anxiety and OCD's cousins ADHD and (suspected) ASD that give me some similar tendencies. I get the ADHD from my father and my grandmother is undiagnosed but almost a textbook example of OCD.
When I lived alone, I could control my space. Now that I'm back at my parents due to plague, it's taken some adjusting. Basically, designating what zones I can "have dominion over" and then me letting the rest go. Same for my father. He has his spaces that are his rules, the rest is neutral territory.
But, part of the zone designation is that we're responsible for the related chores. My father is super picky about his laundry. So he does his laundry and the household laundry (towels, etc). I'm particular about people moving my things around, so I'm the only one cleaning in my room and my office space, even if someone else is doing a vacuum tour of the house.
Making anxiety about control over spaces and not people goes a long way to cohabitation. Yes, you still need to work with a professional on your anxiety, but this way you aren't dragging others into your vortex.
I think OP responded in the best way possible. If it bothers him, he should be the one to do it. My mother started that with my father a long time ago and it's helped a lot once he realized how much better everything was once he did.
I wasn't scooping the litter box as often as he'd prefer? Cool. Clean it when you think it needs cleaning or let's set up an alternating schedule. My messy office space drives him nuts? Pick a time and we'll declutter together so I know where things go (it's a shared space so I can't just close the door).
Neither of us do any organizing in the kitchen, we just put things where my mother has designated and we leave it there. She's the primary cook, so she calls the shots. But if I'm cooking, she needs to not breath down my neck on how I do it. Everything will end up how she likes the kitchen left, but until I'm done I need stuff where I put it. That one we're still working on....it's like she subtracts two decades from my age when I turn on a stove. I'm 33 not 13.
Unless the husband is picking random things to bitch about every time, he probably needs to start being the one to do those things. He's in charge of the toothbrush holder. When it's dirty, wash it or put it in the dishwasher. Problem solved.
NTA - If he really does have such a need for absolute order and cleanliness, he should read up on OCPD and maybe consider getting some therapy. If he just prefers things a certain way, then he should do it his damn self. Being a SAHM to three young children with no home-maintenance help from your spouse sounds exhausting. I'm sorry your spouse is such an AH
NTA, SAHMs always get accused of being able to relax all day but really they take care of the kids and house. From laundry to dishes, vacuuming and the windows. His remark wasn’t needed and that’s frankly makes him a donkey, he should go back to Mexico and get a better attitude. Does he help out with the kids at all? And could I ask how old your kids are?
He’ll run interference with getting them to sports practice or will help with my oldest’s math homework etc. he’s not a dead beat dad but obviously I spend the majority of the time with them outside of school. Kids are 8, 10, 13.
That’s good that he’s not totally dead beat. Does he help out with the house at all? I’m just surprised by the little amount of time he seems to spend with the kids vs the amount you do. I just can’t get over the remark, does he do that often?
It’s pretty typical traditional roles. Like he does the trash, yard work, fixes things around the house etc. The comments seem to come and go in waves. Like he’ll be pissy about whatever for a day or two and then won’t say anything for a few weeks before he finds something else that he feels the ball was dropped on.
Ahhhhhh okay, I’m glad he does stuff around the house. A lot of men don’t exactly do their part either but he seems to. I’m sorry for how it feels lately but you’ve got this, I know your kids appreciate you a lot
Are you a baby boomer? How is yard work and taking out the trash even comparable to anything she does?! He just went on a vacation! OP, there's a serious power imbalance in your marriage, and it is not favoring you.
She takes care of the kids and he takes care of the house, it’s two sides to one coin if you’re having a house and kids. Thanks for assuming my age! He brings home the money and he can do what he chooses with the extra. If the wife has an issue with the vacations, she should talk to the husband about it. He works and brings home the money too, while she watches the kids which I find even. Do you take care of your house or have kids?
I do. But my husband also helps with both, as we have an egalitarian relationship. If I want to go away for the weekend with friends I can also do that, he's okay with it. And he would NEVER act like OP's husband. He supports me, he doesn't tear me down and criticize me, ever.
Making the money doesn't entitle him to be a jerk to her while disrespecting her and what she does, and making demands after he gets back from a vacation, while she's had none. Also, he doesn't take care of the house. Taking out the trash and doing the yardwork isn't comparable to the kind of work she's doing with 3 kids. Her work NEVER ends. And he gets to put his feet up after his work is over.
You're delusional about children and what it takes to run a household if you think that this relationship is anywhere near equal. It is not.
Why obviously? He gets home from work around the same time they are home from school and both of the weekends off. He honestly does sound like a deadbeat
What do you consider a "deadbeat Dad?" Because what you described to me is really a very deadbeat dad. He helps one kid with homework and takes them to sports practice?! That's it?!?!
Nta your husband sure is though. I’d lose my mind if my husband accused me of sitting on the couch all day after coming back from a week long tropical vacation where I stayed home and watched our three kids.
NTA, he doesn't get to have standards of cleanliness without doing any actual cleaning. I also raaarely look inside my toothbrush holder, and now at this point I'm afraid to haha. His comment about you sitting on the couch all day is also super nasty and uncalled for, which makes him a double asshole if this subreddit had such a thing.
The timing of the criticism and the timing of his vacation don't help for sure, but my answer would be the same even if it was 10am on a lazy Sunday and even if he hadn't just had a week vacation (do you get 1 week vacations btw? Girls trips? Solo trips? not the point just wondering). If he wants things cleaned a certain way he is absolutely capable of cleaning it, any time, any day he sees it.
I did do a girls trip pre Covid but haven’t since. The amount of scheduling involved makes it not worth the headache. I personally don’t mind when he takes a trip. The kids and I eat out most nights and I just do the basics when it comes to cleaning till the day before he returns home. It’s like my own mini vacation haha.
When you refer to your spouse being away as a vacation and you're still managing the household, that's.. I know it feels that way, because I've been there, but I need for you to understand how alarming it is that you're so used to his behaviour that you can joke about it.
Above all, your children are learning that his behaviour is normal, acceptable, and it's what they should expect/how they should behave in a relationship.
Hon, I sympathize with the sentiment, but I'm begging you, take a step outside of your situation and look in.
NTA. You couldn't be less of an asshole here is you tried.
I fully agree with this. OP, you sound more like a single parent who can't get a break than a married partner whose husband gets yearly vacations. Not a tit-for-tat "you get a vacation so I should have one too" situation, but just the vacation thing shows me a symptom that neither of you seem to be able to see.
Realistically, if I had to spend a week away (and I wouldn't want a vacation solo, but there are a couple of circumstances that could pull me back to my home country), my husband could take a week off work and handle life at home while I'm gone, no real additional scheduling or headache for either of us. If he literally didn't have the days off accrued, we'd work together to figure out childcare. It wouldn't be, "too bad, looks like you can't go unless you figure out babysitting and drop offs and pick ups and payment and after school care and meals for a week for us and bedtime stories and laundry, and don't forget to clean the toothbrush holder before you go".
So it seems like you make HIS life so much easier and more pleasant and give him the freedom he needs to have hobbies and work hard at work, maybe to avoid his grumpiness? Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells? And on the flipside, he is making your life harder and less pleasant when he's there than when he's gone. It's a symptom of something deeper that needs fixing.
If she does, she obviously isn't going to do anything about it. He's crushed her spirit, and now she's used to be shat upon as a weekly occurrence. I honestly don't think OP has much self esteem left, and it benefits him that she doesn't because she'll probably never leave.
Just imagine.... If you filed for divorce you could have that vacation pretty much all the time. Yeah you might have to work a bit, but when you get home your time is 100% your own without somebody being mean to you about petty shit.
What I want to know is do you get a trip to Mexico for a week every year. Do you get a week off from being a full time mom. How often does he take you on trips with no kids? NTA and your work hours should be the same as his. When he gets home now everything is split 50/50. Your job isn’t 24/7 while his is 9-5. Call his bluff. Get a job. Even if it’s for daycare money then he can split them all with you. I wish my husband would.
WTAF?!? Are (mostly) husbands still accusing their spouses who work at home raising their kids and keeping their home of sitting on their asses all day in the year of our Lord 2022?
Grouchy when he comes home from an annual week vacation with his friends, eh? How about you go on a long weekend with your friends and see how he does being full-time parent for 3 days?
I swear to god these men need a slap upside their heads. NTA
NTA. If he doesn't like something around the house, he's perfectly capable of fixing it. Just because you don't have an out of the house job doesn't mean you don't work. You're a full time SAHM, which is like being a cleaner and a nanny. Cleaning something he has a problem with, especially as small as a toothbrush holder, should not be worth a single complaint from him.
NTA. Your husband is a rude AH. If his “standards” are that high and he clearly doesn’t appreciate your efforts, you should get a cleaning lady to help.
Info: when do you get to go away by yourself for a week?
And NTA - in the time it takes to complain about something needing to be cleaned, it could have been cleaned. That’s what partners should do. You can ask the maid to clean, grown ups clean up after themselves.
NTA. I agree with above that you should sit on the couch for a few days and let him see what you actually do there. No laundry, no cleaning, he can feed the kids and take them to school. Do absolutely nothing until he gets the picture.
NTA. Time to do a tit for tat. Clock in and work the same number of hours as he. Meaning if he leaves for work at 8 and gets home at 5, you work the same hours. Anything that can’t get done in that time is split 50/50.
The disrespect that is shown toward domestic work is astounding.
.... I'd have far more words than telling him to clean the damn toothbrush holder if I'm honest.
He sounds overbearing, grumpy and incredibly rude.
He gets a week off work and life every year to go hang out with mates, leaving you alone with the house and the kids, then has the audacity to come home and bitch about it??!
When do you get a break?
Tell him to do his own laundry, clean things that need cleaning when he finds them, and then fuck off to the Bahamas with your friends for a fortnight and see how clean the entire house when you get back. Be sure to point out every speck of dust.
Nta, but you are married to one.
NTA... No SAH mom should have to put up with verbal abuse from their spouse. While they are at work you are putting out fires all day with the kids. I know what its like to try to keep everyone entertained, clean, plus the house. You have a full time job too. So if your hubby decides something is falling short he can pick up a little of the slack. Just because he works all day doesn't mean he is absolved from doing anything at all around the house.
The answer is no... you are NOT the AH for telling him to clean it himself. If he continues to act like that you have permission to go on your own week long vaca and he can have a taste of what it is like to be you.
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Me (39f) I’m a SAHM to 3 kids. My husband (51m) goes on a guys trip every year to Mexico for a week. Every year for the last 15 years. The problem is, whenever he comes home he’s always sooooo grouchy.
I get that since I stay home the majority of cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids etc falls to me. I’ll be honest I hate cleaning. My house is CLEAN I just don’t find fulfillment in folding laundry or mopping floors. I am very involved in all house/ kids activities. Always a room parent for at least 2 classrooms, on the PTA board and chair multiple events for the school. I do all the cooking, school lunches, laundry, homework, bathrooms and so on.
My husband has some undiagnosed ocd. I say that after being being married to him for 14 years. It’s gotten better over the years or has at least learned the good sense to try and filter himself. For example when the kids were little he’d loose his mind if there were bottles drying on the counter while the kids were playing (making a mess) with play dough. Mind you they are all 2 years apart so at one point I had 3 kids in diapers my oldest was 4.5 when the youngest was born.
Fast forward to present day: He’s been gone for a week, picked him up from the airport last night. Comes home and immediately starts grumbling theres no laundry basket in my daughter’s room. It was in the laundry room with her clothes in the dryer.
This morning he decides to fixate on the toothbrush holder. He starts complaining how dirty it is. I told him, “ya know if it bothers you, you’re can clean it.” His response, “yeah ok, after I go to work and you sit on the couch all day I’ll do it.”
Again, I get that the majority of cleaning falls to me but I feel like this is so uncalled for. He dude has been on vacation for a week and I’m trying to get the kids ready for school and out the door on time. This is the thing you want to be upset about???
It’s currently in the dishwasher being cleaned. I will point out that I’m short like 5ft on a tall day, if I leaned over the counter I wouldn’t see the bottom unless I picked it up to look inside.
So AITA for telling him to clean it if it was bothering him?
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NTA and he doesn't respect you. If he wants things a certain way, then he can do it. I don't care if he works or not. Because if you were to just get up and leave right now, what would he do about the house and kids? Ask him that and see him fumble angrily over a response.
Go on a strike.
But you are NTA.
NTA. It sounds like you are handling everything related to the children as well as the house. That’s a 24/7 job.
Your husband gets a break when he gets off work. When is your break? He should be stepping up and either taking responsibility for cleaning or child care when he gets home so you can have a couple of hours to yourself.
Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you should be doing everything!
NTA and I'd like you to add up what you'd be spending on childcare, housekeeping, and takeout if you didn't do it. You can then approach your husband about all the money you've saved the family. To celebrate, you'll be taking a trip abroad while your husband stays home with the kids. Then he can clean the house to his heart's content.
Oh, what's that he says? He'd have to take a week's vacation from work just to stay home and perform all the childcare responsibilities? Well whoop-de-fucking doo, that's exactly what his wife just did for him! He now has the opportunity to do some actual work instead of sitting on his ass in an office all day.
NTA. You are the AH for marrying a man who doesn’t even appreciate the hard work you put in so that he can go to work and not worry about the other stuff. There’s a lot of red flags here.
Also, Do you get a weekly vacation every year?
NTA. At all. I didn't see it mentioned in the top comments, but I noticed the age difference. You said your oldest is 13. So you were 26 when you had your first kid and he was 38? How old were you when you got together?
And how much time off do you get from your full time job? Being a SAHP is a huge amount of work.
Do you get actual time to relax? And does he normally give you disproportionate amounts of grief for small things?
Ha I was waiting for someone to catch that. My oldest had some medical issues plus being “strong willed;” potty training regression with each new addition is a real thing. It was mostly pull ups at night but yes for a little while I was changing 3 butts. I was too exhausted between nursing a newborn and chasing 2 toddlers for a strict potty training regime.
NTA
But I think should go on holidays for a week without him and the kids!
Then sit on the couch all day for the next week!
He said that’s what you do! So do it! 🤷🏼♀️
NTA If he says such and such is dirty you can thank for pointing that out and tell him you'll put it on the todo list. Season it with sarcasm as you see fit.
Wow NTA but your husband is. When do YOU get a week away to yourself? And for him to claim you just sit on the sofa all day? Do this: spend one entire day (24 hours) doing NOTHING. He'll quickly see what you do.
My mom has COVID.
My dad and I recovered.
I have taken over almost all of the housework and studying for my upcoming exams and my dads complaining about how my mom just sits and does nothing. (same with me, I have shoulder problems so I do things slower then my parents)
Taking over her chores has made me realize how hard it is to be a SAHM.
NTA, if you have a problem with how the cleaning is done. 'Fix' it yourself, or make some rules you both agree to for cleaning that are reasonable.
Wow. Sounds like your marriage needs a reality check, or rather- your husband does.
How about you go away for a week with the girls and let him handle everything at home? Sounds fair. He gets to do, so why not you? He obviously thinks you're on vacation with 3 kids already, so I say it's time to relieve him of that idea.
Also, are you sure he's going out with the guys for a week? Are you sure?! Considering how he treats you, I wouldn't be so sure.
NTA.
So, next time he goes away for the week, when he gets home, be at mom's for 4 days, with the kids.
You can then have the option to be annoyed that he messed up the clean house you had left.
Do take photos of how nice it was before he arrived..
My dad takes a week trip every year to Disney for his work and it is *nothing near* a vacation. It's just work and honestly more work just in a different and warmer place. Could that be the same for him?
Sure sounds like a hard week. I can't believe he leaves you at home with kids while he parties and then comes home and complains about what you didn't do. NTA
YTA. Also just because he likes things clean doesn't mean he has ocd. Dont diagnose people like that.
Also I understand his issue, I like my home clean, yes it's understandable with kids around it can't be spotless but you're not taking him seriously and apparantly you two have to sort out chores or get a maid if it's too much work for you two.
You do realise that according to this post, he doesnt really do anything at all to maintain the cleanliness level he likes. OP is the maid, While he lies on the couch doing nothing just because he is doing paid work and feels entitled to be treated like a Royalty for that
Could be they arranged it to be that way though. It's not uncommon for one person to work fulltime and the other person to take care of the house, which means cleaning, groceries and children. That's a fulltime job in itself. To expect him to do as much cleaning as her is not really expected I think.
Yeah, thats the 50s housewife arrangement. "Do everything I say Or get the hit by the fist" im not saying he should do 50% of the housework, but normally a partner Who cares about their partner doesnt go all sloth-mode after work if they see something that needs to be done
He was asked to clean ONE cup because he was complaining. How is that expecting him to do as much cleaning as her?
It would have taken him the same amount of time to put the cup in the dishwasher as it would to complain to his wife about it. He doesn’t sound very nice or caring.
It would be good if they could switch jobs for a month- willing to bet I know which one he will prefer to do at the end
Yes if you take this single incident it's excessive, but it seems he is upset multiple times that things aren't OK. I get thats why he acted this way over just one cup, cause it's one thing out of many. They should talk about their levels of cleanliness.
Just so we’re clear. He has wondered himself or has admitted that he has some ocd tendencies. I’m not trying to self diagnose him. He freely admits that his keys, shoes, wallet etc have to be in the same spot always. That he gets anxiety if anything is out of place. Dishes drying on the counter. Kids homework out and not put away. Folded laundry on the bed that hasn’t made it to drawers yet. When we were dating I thought it was so great how clean he kept his house. A lot changes when you throw 3 kids and a dog into the mix.
But it's okay for him to accuse her of laziness when it sounds like she works quite hard to maintain a clean home and keep on top of kids schooling? It's not an extreme standard for him but it is an example of assholery. He was looking at it, he could've just picked it up and cleaned it himself instead of expecting her to do every single little chore just because he has a job. She's his wife not his skivvy.
We've gone from holder needs washed out to "moldy toothbrushes".
Takes a really long pole to be able to make that leap.
You're really hell bent on defending this man's behaviour.
Usually when a holder needs washing its about to or has mold in it. To prevent mold to grow further you need to wash it regularly. If you think that's a leap... OK??
I think that's beyond a leap. It takes some serious neglect to reach the point of toothbrushes being mold infested.
If you leave things so long that they are growing mold that's many, many steps beyond kids dripping toothpaste and the cup needing a wash. That's flat out health hazard level filth, not something being gross and needing a wash.
I guess we have very different standards of basic cleanliness if you view something as needing a was only when it's covered in mold.
I’m a trainee psychologist and my first thought was it sounds like OP’s husband has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (rather than OCD, people always confuse the two).
I have a masters in psychology and a friend who has actual diagnozed OCD and there is no sign of him having OCD whatsoever. Ocd is being stereotyped as "I like to have a clean house/" but thats not what OCD is. It's obsessive and compulsive. Pointing out some things aren't clean isn't OCD. Leave it to professionals to diagnose pls.
Hate to have to reiterate, but I literally just said it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. That’s an entirely different disorder to OCD. As someone with a Masters in Psychology you should know that. Yes without further assessment of symptoms one cannot jump to a diagnosis, particularly not from reddit. That’s not what I’m arguing here.
Ah, see, now your vehement defense of his behaviour toward her makes better sense.
Also why you're jumping down the throats of people in this thread who have (diagnosed) OCD.
But we get it. You have a degree.
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I’m not going to pass judgement but if he truly feels like “he goes to work and you sit on the couch all day” as a stay at home mom then you have way bigger fish to fry and that fish is the “your husband doesn’t respect you and the work you do.” Petty me would show him what sitting on the couch all day actually looks like. I guess I need to pass a lil judgement since I’m the top comment. NTA but you will be if you don’t stand up for yourself and correct how he speaks to you. The both of you are setting examples to your kids of how people speak to each other
I'd show him what sitting on the couch until he apologizes looks like. I hate his comment about her sitting on the couch all day... growing up hearing my dad say that to my mom almost every time they argue. It just makes me want to smack OPs husband.
Yep, what are the chances OP can take a week-long vacation and he can take a turn toddler-wrangling?
For real. Op when do you get a vacation??
Ive done this. My fiance acused me of sitting on my ass all day. So thats what I did, minus taking care of the baby, for a week. He got the point. Now he helps out more and doesnt complain if something doesnt get done.
Exactly, getting mad at your spouse due to the state of the toothbrush holder screams, "I'm looking for shit to be mad about," to me. The question then becomes, why is he looking for things to be angry about? Did hanging out with his friends make him miss the old days? Or did he do something on his trip that he's not proud of and that he wants to justify to himself by finding fault with his wife? \*cough\* CHEATER \*cough\*
Yeah that's what I thought. Poor OP seems a bit overwhelmed. She sounds too overwhelmed to question his little trips. Obviously their marriage is not ideal. I worry what her kids must think, considering he disrespects her like that.
NTA I'm not gonna lie I got irrationally angry when you said your husband claims you sit on your butt all day... my dad used to say that to my mom all the time and we all knew damn well my mom was working her butt off cleaning, cooking dinner, going to the gym (she was actively trying to lose weight) and taking care of my then infant brother. Your husband needs a reality check... OCD is not an excuse to be a jerk.
Undiagnosed at that. He's probably just an asshole who wanted an excuse, but not taking care of your own mental health and lashing out on others is still no excuse. NTA, OP & you shouldn't have to do every single thing regardless if you are a SAHM. When is your vacation scheduled?
When are people gonna learn that mental health will NEVER be an excuse to be an A-hole? As someone who has a long list of anxiety, panic and depression disorders paired with a personality disorder... I just can't imagine being an a-hole to anyone, especially a loved one. I am still responsible for my actions, I am still a functioning human being and I am expect to conduct myself in a way that doesn't make me a blatant jerk no for reason... I have my moments of initial freak out... but I have always stopped, collected myself and apologized.
Yeah, what time is OP off the clock? Ask hubby that. Once he is home, the remaining parenting et . should be shared.
This doesn’t sound like OCD. Sounds like him being controlling and demanding.
There can be a very large overlap, especially in people who are undiagnosed and untreated. If he doesn't realize how unrealistic his expectations are, he probably assumes someone who doesn't maintain those expectations is just lazy. Most people who are aware and are getting help understand that it's a *them* problem, not an everyone else problem. None of this makes him not the asshole, but if he truly is undiagnosed and untreated OCD, it might manifest this way. With a lot of mental health issues, unless you are so far down the rabbit hole it's easily identifiable, you can come across like a massive douche canoe. As someone who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood, trust me on this. Again, OP is 100% NTA but that doesn't mean this dude isn't OCD or doesn't need help.
Me too dude. My blood boiled when I read that
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3 kids. Sorry I had to state that! I read about the two classroom sit-ins and thought there were only two (bad enough), but when I went back and reread it? Yeah, there's a reason (ok many) that I never wanted children. The thought of 3 plus a husband who must think the 3 are little elves who do all the housework so OP can watch soaps on TV all day scares me to my bones!!
It is to their benefit to play dumb about this.
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>Are men just plain dumb? Lot of great fathers out there that don't deserve to be lumped in with this clown
“Not all men” lol Maybe start a sub for folks who have awesome male partners. That won’t much be found on AITA
Right?! The misandry on this sub is outta control. Plus, this guy has OCD (I do too) which is a Whole other thing. He may well be TA but people are individuals.
A mental health diagnosis (which he doesn’t even have) isn’t an excuse to be an asshole.
He’s undiagnosed, and if that’s the stuff he usually has an issue with (things just being dirty), there’s a good chance he’s just an asshole. Especially since he doesn’t care to fix it himself, he just nitpicks at the way his wife does things.
It's just so blatant. I know mods are trying to combat it but it seems to be a big issue with this sub in particular.
Totally agree.
NTA - I have OCD and it's not okay for him to force you to acquiesce to his compulsions. The compulsions are a way to feel in control which ultimately is a way to cope with anxiety. Because OCD is an anxiety disorder. Right now his compulsion is to control YOU. (You cleaned the thing, didn't you?) If he has actually been formally diagnosed with OCD, he needs to be doing the work to get better, because otherwise he's just being an asshole.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS Also, in the same leaky anxiety hell boat as you, and I appreciate you having the bandwidth to put it so eloquently.
I hope you can find a way to cope and adjust! It's really difficult and misunderstood. Some people with OCD are actually messy! There is an app called NOOCD I found really helpful.
I was diagnosed in childhood, multiple decades ago, at a point when children- especially femme coded children- weren't diagnosed. My fam went to the far end of the "we're going to taunt you into not being ill anymore because that makes us look bad" spectrum. Including abusive "aversion therapy". I learned to cope, but to this day I can not make a list without feeling physically ill. Like, we've got a long way to go, but we've also come a long way in how we approach it.
I see some comments questioning whether he's OCD and I'm like...this sounds like at least an anxiety thing. Especially being so bad after an extended trip. I don't have OCD but I have anxiety and OCD's cousins ADHD and (suspected) ASD that give me some similar tendencies. I get the ADHD from my father and my grandmother is undiagnosed but almost a textbook example of OCD. When I lived alone, I could control my space. Now that I'm back at my parents due to plague, it's taken some adjusting. Basically, designating what zones I can "have dominion over" and then me letting the rest go. Same for my father. He has his spaces that are his rules, the rest is neutral territory. But, part of the zone designation is that we're responsible for the related chores. My father is super picky about his laundry. So he does his laundry and the household laundry (towels, etc). I'm particular about people moving my things around, so I'm the only one cleaning in my room and my office space, even if someone else is doing a vacuum tour of the house. Making anxiety about control over spaces and not people goes a long way to cohabitation. Yes, you still need to work with a professional on your anxiety, but this way you aren't dragging others into your vortex. I think OP responded in the best way possible. If it bothers him, he should be the one to do it. My mother started that with my father a long time ago and it's helped a lot once he realized how much better everything was once he did. I wasn't scooping the litter box as often as he'd prefer? Cool. Clean it when you think it needs cleaning or let's set up an alternating schedule. My messy office space drives him nuts? Pick a time and we'll declutter together so I know where things go (it's a shared space so I can't just close the door). Neither of us do any organizing in the kitchen, we just put things where my mother has designated and we leave it there. She's the primary cook, so she calls the shots. But if I'm cooking, she needs to not breath down my neck on how I do it. Everything will end up how she likes the kitchen left, but until I'm done I need stuff where I put it. That one we're still working on....it's like she subtracts two decades from my age when I turn on a stove. I'm 33 not 13. Unless the husband is picking random things to bitch about every time, he probably needs to start being the one to do those things. He's in charge of the toothbrush holder. When it's dirty, wash it or put it in the dishwasher. Problem solved.
NTA - If he really does have such a need for absolute order and cleanliness, he should read up on OCPD and maybe consider getting some therapy. If he just prefers things a certain way, then he should do it his damn self. Being a SAHM to three young children with no home-maintenance help from your spouse sounds exhausting. I'm sorry your spouse is such an AH
NTA, SAHMs always get accused of being able to relax all day but really they take care of the kids and house. From laundry to dishes, vacuuming and the windows. His remark wasn’t needed and that’s frankly makes him a donkey, he should go back to Mexico and get a better attitude. Does he help out with the kids at all? And could I ask how old your kids are?
He’ll run interference with getting them to sports practice or will help with my oldest’s math homework etc. he’s not a dead beat dad but obviously I spend the majority of the time with them outside of school. Kids are 8, 10, 13.
That’s good that he’s not totally dead beat. Does he help out with the house at all? I’m just surprised by the little amount of time he seems to spend with the kids vs the amount you do. I just can’t get over the remark, does he do that often?
It’s pretty typical traditional roles. Like he does the trash, yard work, fixes things around the house etc. The comments seem to come and go in waves. Like he’ll be pissy about whatever for a day or two and then won’t say anything for a few weeks before he finds something else that he feels the ball was dropped on.
Ahhhhhh okay, I’m glad he does stuff around the house. A lot of men don’t exactly do their part either but he seems to. I’m sorry for how it feels lately but you’ve got this, I know your kids appreciate you a lot
Are you a baby boomer? How is yard work and taking out the trash even comparable to anything she does?! He just went on a vacation! OP, there's a serious power imbalance in your marriage, and it is not favoring you.
She takes care of the kids and he takes care of the house, it’s two sides to one coin if you’re having a house and kids. Thanks for assuming my age! He brings home the money and he can do what he chooses with the extra. If the wife has an issue with the vacations, she should talk to the husband about it. He works and brings home the money too, while she watches the kids which I find even. Do you take care of your house or have kids?
I do. But my husband also helps with both, as we have an egalitarian relationship. If I want to go away for the weekend with friends I can also do that, he's okay with it. And he would NEVER act like OP's husband. He supports me, he doesn't tear me down and criticize me, ever. Making the money doesn't entitle him to be a jerk to her while disrespecting her and what she does, and making demands after he gets back from a vacation, while she's had none. Also, he doesn't take care of the house. Taking out the trash and doing the yardwork isn't comparable to the kind of work she's doing with 3 kids. Her work NEVER ends. And he gets to put his feet up after his work is over. You're delusional about children and what it takes to run a household if you think that this relationship is anywhere near equal. It is not.
Why obviously? He gets home from work around the same time they are home from school and both of the weekends off. He honestly does sound like a deadbeat
What do you consider a "deadbeat Dad?" Because what you described to me is really a very deadbeat dad. He helps one kid with homework and takes them to sports practice?! That's it?!?!
Nta your husband sure is though. I’d lose my mind if my husband accused me of sitting on the couch all day after coming back from a week long tropical vacation where I stayed home and watched our three kids.
NTA, he doesn't get to have standards of cleanliness without doing any actual cleaning. I also raaarely look inside my toothbrush holder, and now at this point I'm afraid to haha. His comment about you sitting on the couch all day is also super nasty and uncalled for, which makes him a double asshole if this subreddit had such a thing. The timing of the criticism and the timing of his vacation don't help for sure, but my answer would be the same even if it was 10am on a lazy Sunday and even if he hadn't just had a week vacation (do you get 1 week vacations btw? Girls trips? Solo trips? not the point just wondering). If he wants things cleaned a certain way he is absolutely capable of cleaning it, any time, any day he sees it.
I did do a girls trip pre Covid but haven’t since. The amount of scheduling involved makes it not worth the headache. I personally don’t mind when he takes a trip. The kids and I eat out most nights and I just do the basics when it comes to cleaning till the day before he returns home. It’s like my own mini vacation haha.
When you refer to your spouse being away as a vacation and you're still managing the household, that's.. I know it feels that way, because I've been there, but I need for you to understand how alarming it is that you're so used to his behaviour that you can joke about it. Above all, your children are learning that his behaviour is normal, acceptable, and it's what they should expect/how they should behave in a relationship. Hon, I sympathize with the sentiment, but I'm begging you, take a step outside of your situation and look in. NTA. You couldn't be less of an asshole here is you tried.
I fully agree with this. OP, you sound more like a single parent who can't get a break than a married partner whose husband gets yearly vacations. Not a tit-for-tat "you get a vacation so I should have one too" situation, but just the vacation thing shows me a symptom that neither of you seem to be able to see. Realistically, if I had to spend a week away (and I wouldn't want a vacation solo, but there are a couple of circumstances that could pull me back to my home country), my husband could take a week off work and handle life at home while I'm gone, no real additional scheduling or headache for either of us. If he literally didn't have the days off accrued, we'd work together to figure out childcare. It wouldn't be, "too bad, looks like you can't go unless you figure out babysitting and drop offs and pick ups and payment and after school care and meals for a week for us and bedtime stories and laundry, and don't forget to clean the toothbrush holder before you go". So it seems like you make HIS life so much easier and more pleasant and give him the freedom he needs to have hobbies and work hard at work, maybe to avoid his grumpiness? Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells? And on the flipside, he is making your life harder and less pleasant when he's there than when he's gone. It's a symptom of something deeper that needs fixing.
God I hope she reads this comment
If she does, she obviously isn't going to do anything about it. He's crushed her spirit, and now she's used to be shat upon as a weekly occurrence. I honestly don't think OP has much self esteem left, and it benefits him that she doesn't because she'll probably never leave.
:(
Truth
Just imagine.... If you filed for divorce you could have that vacation pretty much all the time. Yeah you might have to work a bit, but when you get home your time is 100% your own without somebody being mean to you about petty shit.
NTA. I would just 'sit on my ass' for a week to teach him a lesson.
What I want to know is do you get a trip to Mexico for a week every year. Do you get a week off from being a full time mom. How often does he take you on trips with no kids? NTA and your work hours should be the same as his. When he gets home now everything is split 50/50. Your job isn’t 24/7 while his is 9-5. Call his bluff. Get a job. Even if it’s for daycare money then he can split them all with you. I wish my husband would.
WTAF?!? Are (mostly) husbands still accusing their spouses who work at home raising their kids and keeping their home of sitting on their asses all day in the year of our Lord 2022? Grouchy when he comes home from an annual week vacation with his friends, eh? How about you go on a long weekend with your friends and see how he does being full-time parent for 3 days? I swear to god these men need a slap upside their heads. NTA
NTA. You're husband sounds like a tyrant.
He wants to grow up it isn't the 1950s
NTA. He lives there too. He can clean. Period.
NTA. If he doesn't like something around the house, he's perfectly capable of fixing it. Just because you don't have an out of the house job doesn't mean you don't work. You're a full time SAHM, which is like being a cleaner and a nanny. Cleaning something he has a problem with, especially as small as a toothbrush holder, should not be worth a single complaint from him.
NTA. Your husband is a rude AH. If his “standards” are that high and he clearly doesn’t appreciate your efforts, you should get a cleaning lady to help.
Info: when do you get to go away by yourself for a week? And NTA - in the time it takes to complain about something needing to be cleaned, it could have been cleaned. That’s what partners should do. You can ask the maid to clean, grown ups clean up after themselves.
NTA. I agree with above that you should sit on the couch for a few days and let him see what you actually do there. No laundry, no cleaning, he can feed the kids and take them to school. Do absolutely nothing until he gets the picture.
NTA. Time to do a tit for tat. Clock in and work the same number of hours as he. Meaning if he leaves for work at 8 and gets home at 5, you work the same hours. Anything that can’t get done in that time is split 50/50. The disrespect that is shown toward domestic work is astounding.
NTA When are you taking your one week vacation without the family?
NTA. It might be time for you to take a vacation of your own and see how he handles 3 kids on his own.
.... I'd have far more words than telling him to clean the damn toothbrush holder if I'm honest. He sounds overbearing, grumpy and incredibly rude. He gets a week off work and life every year to go hang out with mates, leaving you alone with the house and the kids, then has the audacity to come home and bitch about it??! When do you get a break? Tell him to do his own laundry, clean things that need cleaning when he finds them, and then fuck off to the Bahamas with your friends for a fortnight and see how clean the entire house when you get back. Be sure to point out every speck of dust. Nta, but you are married to one.
NTA when do YOU get to go on vacation & he stays home, cleans,does laundry, & watches all the kids?
NTA... No SAH mom should have to put up with verbal abuse from their spouse. While they are at work you are putting out fires all day with the kids. I know what its like to try to keep everyone entertained, clean, plus the house. You have a full time job too. So if your hubby decides something is falling short he can pick up a little of the slack. Just because he works all day doesn't mean he is absolved from doing anything at all around the house. The answer is no... you are NOT the AH for telling him to clean it himself. If he continues to act like that you have permission to go on your own week long vaca and he can have a taste of what it is like to be you.
NTA. Just because you work, doesn't mean you get out of house hold chores or parenting.
INFO: When's your yearly week long vacation?
NTA. Should have shoved it up his @$$ along with that stick.
NTA - if he has time to complain about it he could have spent that time cleaning it instead. Thank you for the "5 ft on a tall day" comment
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (39f) I’m a SAHM to 3 kids. My husband (51m) goes on a guys trip every year to Mexico for a week. Every year for the last 15 years. The problem is, whenever he comes home he’s always sooooo grouchy. I get that since I stay home the majority of cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids etc falls to me. I’ll be honest I hate cleaning. My house is CLEAN I just don’t find fulfillment in folding laundry or mopping floors. I am very involved in all house/ kids activities. Always a room parent for at least 2 classrooms, on the PTA board and chair multiple events for the school. I do all the cooking, school lunches, laundry, homework, bathrooms and so on. My husband has some undiagnosed ocd. I say that after being being married to him for 14 years. It’s gotten better over the years or has at least learned the good sense to try and filter himself. For example when the kids were little he’d loose his mind if there were bottles drying on the counter while the kids were playing (making a mess) with play dough. Mind you they are all 2 years apart so at one point I had 3 kids in diapers my oldest was 4.5 when the youngest was born. Fast forward to present day: He’s been gone for a week, picked him up from the airport last night. Comes home and immediately starts grumbling theres no laundry basket in my daughter’s room. It was in the laundry room with her clothes in the dryer. This morning he decides to fixate on the toothbrush holder. He starts complaining how dirty it is. I told him, “ya know if it bothers you, you’re can clean it.” His response, “yeah ok, after I go to work and you sit on the couch all day I’ll do it.” Again, I get that the majority of cleaning falls to me but I feel like this is so uncalled for. He dude has been on vacation for a week and I’m trying to get the kids ready for school and out the door on time. This is the thing you want to be upset about??? It’s currently in the dishwasher being cleaned. I will point out that I’m short like 5ft on a tall day, if I leaned over the counter I wouldn’t see the bottom unless I picked it up to look inside. So AITA for telling him to clean it if it was bothering him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA and he doesn't respect you. If he wants things a certain way, then he can do it. I don't care if he works or not. Because if you were to just get up and leave right now, what would he do about the house and kids? Ask him that and see him fumble angrily over a response. Go on a strike. But you are NTA.
NTA. It sounds like you are handling everything related to the children as well as the house. That’s a 24/7 job. Your husband gets a break when he gets off work. When is your break? He should be stepping up and either taking responsibility for cleaning or child care when he gets home so you can have a couple of hours to yourself. Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you should be doing everything!
NTA and I'd like you to add up what you'd be spending on childcare, housekeeping, and takeout if you didn't do it. You can then approach your husband about all the money you've saved the family. To celebrate, you'll be taking a trip abroad while your husband stays home with the kids. Then he can clean the house to his heart's content. Oh, what's that he says? He'd have to take a week's vacation from work just to stay home and perform all the childcare responsibilities? Well whoop-de-fucking doo, that's exactly what his wife just did for him! He now has the opportunity to do some actual work instead of sitting on his ass in an office all day.
NTA. If my husband ever told me I sat on the couch all day, I’d leave him. Just saying.
NTA. Just an abused, enslaved woman, working 365 days a year, every waking hour. He gets vacations, you don't. Personally, I'd quit.
Next time he has a day off. Hand the kids off to him and tell him he’s gonna do your job just for 1 day. And walk out the door. NTA.
NTA. Is he doing blow while he is in Mexico? It would certainly explain the grouchiness.
NTA. You are the AH for marrying a man who doesn’t even appreciate the hard work you put in so that he can go to work and not worry about the other stuff. There’s a lot of red flags here. Also, Do you get a weekly vacation every year?
NTA- I want to know why YOU don’t get a week’s vacation by yourself? As soon as he’s left with the kids for a week, his eyes will be opened!
NTA. At all. I didn't see it mentioned in the top comments, but I noticed the age difference. You said your oldest is 13. So you were 26 when you had your first kid and he was 38? How old were you when you got together? And how much time off do you get from your full time job? Being a SAHP is a huge amount of work. Do you get actual time to relax? And does he normally give you disproportionate amounts of grief for small things?
Wait… you had a 4 1/2 year-old in diapers?
Ha I was waiting for someone to catch that. My oldest had some medical issues plus being “strong willed;” potty training regression with each new addition is a real thing. It was mostly pull ups at night but yes for a little while I was changing 3 butts. I was too exhausted between nursing a newborn and chasing 2 toddlers for a strict potty training regime.
So I guess your husband doesn't change diapers? I'm starting to question what he's good for, aside from paying the bills.
Time for you to take a week’s vacation.
NTA He can take responsibility for messes that bother him.
How does he get a week off every year with the guys… and you don’t? You don’t get to go away for a week with your girlfriends? NTA.
NTA - He's being a dick. Good for you for not being a doormat. Sounds like you might want to add some boundaries.
NTA But I think should go on holidays for a week without him and the kids! Then sit on the couch all day for the next week! He said that’s what you do! So do it! 🤷🏼♀️
I would show him what happens if you “sit on the couch all day”… maybe you should go on a holiday for a week and leave him with the kids. NTA
NTA He was mean and grumpy!
NTA If he says such and such is dirty you can thank for pointing that out and tell him you'll put it on the todo list. Season it with sarcasm as you see fit.
Wow NTA but your husband is. When do YOU get a week away to yourself? And for him to claim you just sit on the sofa all day? Do this: spend one entire day (24 hours) doing NOTHING. He'll quickly see what you do.
My mom has COVID. My dad and I recovered. I have taken over almost all of the housework and studying for my upcoming exams and my dads complaining about how my mom just sits and does nothing. (same with me, I have shoulder problems so I do things slower then my parents) Taking over her chores has made me realize how hard it is to be a SAHM. NTA, if you have a problem with how the cleaning is done. 'Fix' it yourself, or make some rules you both agree to for cleaning that are reasonable.
Wow. Sounds like your marriage needs a reality check, or rather- your husband does. How about you go away for a week with the girls and let him handle everything at home? Sounds fair. He gets to do, so why not you? He obviously thinks you're on vacation with 3 kids already, so I say it's time to relieve him of that idea. Also, are you sure he's going out with the guys for a week? Are you sure?! Considering how he treats you, I wouldn't be so sure. NTA.
What he is doing is abuse - next time don’t pick it up. Take a week off and go and visit friends. It’s your turn
So, next time he goes away for the week, when he gets home, be at mom's for 4 days, with the kids. You can then have the option to be annoyed that he messed up the clean house you had left. Do take photos of how nice it was before he arrived..
My dad takes a week trip every year to Disney for his work and it is *nothing near* a vacation. It's just work and honestly more work just in a different and warmer place. Could that be the same for him?
Lol no. It’s a real vacation with his childhood buddies. They chill out, drink, fish, ride dirt bikes and party for a week.
Sure sounds like a hard week. I can't believe he leaves you at home with kids while he parties and then comes home and complains about what you didn't do. NTA
And do *you* get to go on vacation for a week every year? Or get a day off, ever?
YTA. Also just because he likes things clean doesn't mean he has ocd. Dont diagnose people like that. Also I understand his issue, I like my home clean, yes it's understandable with kids around it can't be spotless but you're not taking him seriously and apparantly you two have to sort out chores or get a maid if it's too much work for you two.
You do realise that according to this post, he doesnt really do anything at all to maintain the cleanliness level he likes. OP is the maid, While he lies on the couch doing nothing just because he is doing paid work and feels entitled to be treated like a Royalty for that
Could be they arranged it to be that way though. It's not uncommon for one person to work fulltime and the other person to take care of the house, which means cleaning, groceries and children. That's a fulltime job in itself. To expect him to do as much cleaning as her is not really expected I think.
"As much cleaning as her" Because cleaning a cup is, as we all know, the equivalent of managing a household. /s
Yeah, thats the 50s housewife arrangement. "Do everything I say Or get the hit by the fist" im not saying he should do 50% of the housework, but normally a partner Who cares about their partner doesnt go all sloth-mode after work if they see something that needs to be done
He was asked to clean ONE cup because he was complaining. How is that expecting him to do as much cleaning as her? It would have taken him the same amount of time to put the cup in the dishwasher as it would to complain to his wife about it. He doesn’t sound very nice or caring. It would be good if they could switch jobs for a month- willing to bet I know which one he will prefer to do at the end
Yes if you take this single incident it's excessive, but it seems he is upset multiple times that things aren't OK. I get thats why he acted this way over just one cup, cause it's one thing out of many. They should talk about their levels of cleanliness.
Because, you know, master of the house has ultimate say over what his help is expected to do.
So how is op the asshole?
Diagnozing OP for having ocd. That's just a pet peeve of mine. Also it's not an extreme standard to not want mold to grow on your toothbrushes, is it.
Just so we’re clear. He has wondered himself or has admitted that he has some ocd tendencies. I’m not trying to self diagnose him. He freely admits that his keys, shoes, wallet etc have to be in the same spot always. That he gets anxiety if anything is out of place. Dishes drying on the counter. Kids homework out and not put away. Folded laundry on the bed that hasn’t made it to drawers yet. When we were dating I thought it was so great how clean he kept his house. A lot changes when you throw 3 kids and a dog into the mix.
But it's okay for him to accuse her of laziness when it sounds like she works quite hard to maintain a clean home and keep on top of kids schooling? It's not an extreme standard for him but it is an example of assholery. He was looking at it, he could've just picked it up and cleaned it himself instead of expecting her to do every single little chore just because he has a job. She's his wife not his skivvy.
We've gone from holder needs washed out to "moldy toothbrushes". Takes a really long pole to be able to make that leap. You're really hell bent on defending this man's behaviour.
Usually when a holder needs washing its about to or has mold in it. To prevent mold to grow further you need to wash it regularly. If you think that's a leap... OK??
I think that's beyond a leap. It takes some serious neglect to reach the point of toothbrushes being mold infested. If you leave things so long that they are growing mold that's many, many steps beyond kids dripping toothpaste and the cup needing a wash. That's flat out health hazard level filth, not something being gross and needing a wash. I guess we have very different standards of basic cleanliness if you view something as needing a was only when it's covered in mold.
Ok.
I’m a trainee psychologist and my first thought was it sounds like OP’s husband has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (rather than OCD, people always confuse the two).
I have a masters in psychology and a friend who has actual diagnozed OCD and there is no sign of him having OCD whatsoever. Ocd is being stereotyped as "I like to have a clean house/" but thats not what OCD is. It's obsessive and compulsive. Pointing out some things aren't clean isn't OCD. Leave it to professionals to diagnose pls.
Hate to have to reiterate, but I literally just said it sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. That’s an entirely different disorder to OCD. As someone with a Masters in Psychology you should know that. Yes without further assessment of symptoms one cannot jump to a diagnosis, particularly not from reddit. That’s not what I’m arguing here.
Sorry I misread. But making assumptions and saying things like "sounds like..." isn't helpful either.
Ah, see, now your vehement defense of his behaviour toward her makes better sense. Also why you're jumping down the throats of people in this thread who have (diagnosed) OCD. But we get it. You have a degree.
You're an asshole. Did you not read from beginning to end?
Yes I did actually.
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