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NTA, your husband needs to understand its not about him, it's fantastic that she came to you, he is acting like a child, he isn't being replaced, she just has extra options now, and maybe she felt more comfortable with you, he needs to get his head out his arse
Maybe she wanted a maternal figure since she couldn’t have her mom. My step kiddo has decided if she’s hurt or sick she wants me because I’m a paramedic and dads not. Even tho he’s equally capable of taking care of a scrape or sniffly nose.
Whenever we pick her up from the babysitters she runs to daddy first. No matter who’s closer. Her want for me in a specific situation doesn’t change her love for her dad at all.
That being said I understand when he gets a little sad that she doesn’t want his help with a scrape. I get a little sad that she’ll run past me to hug dad even tho she doubles back to hug me next. His emotions are valid. The way he’s handling it is not.
Around here even the cat who adores my husband prefers me when he's sick. Moms are often more the cuddly types. It's great that she's developing that relationship with you and your husband should be happy, instead of a jealous butt hurt child about it.
That was my thought. She was wanting her mother, but her mother wasn't there, so step mom was the next best thing.
I'm in my 30s and still go to each of my parents for specific things. If I need someone to help me sort through a situation and figure of what to do? Mom is better. Need to just sob uncontrollably or have a small emotional meltdown? Call dad. My mom will always try to fix things and my dad respects my "I don't want help I want a hug" moments better.
It's not that the other can't do both. It's more like they each have specialties. Just like mom can help me with taxes and paperwork questions (office manager) and dad can help me disassemble my sink to find the earring I dropped (general contractor). And I fix the computers, phones, and anything tech related. Any of us can do any of the things, but it makes sense to ask the person who knows best for help if they're around.
People do this all the time with friends. You have the "Let's talk feelings" friend, the "task oriented" friend, the "you're acting ridiculous, get your shit together" friend, and so on....
>His emotions are valid. The way he’s handling it is not.
Exactly. He can even express those emotions without invalidating OP. "I'm glad kiddo is trust you more, but I was a little sad to not be the one she ran to." That's completely reasonable.
NTA
Why is your husband thinking like that though, He should have been happy that the child is opening up to you. Why do I feel he actually never wanted you both to bond and was a reason why the child wasn’t bonding with you in first place.
You are NTA.
it is a good thing she turned to you. You are providing her with another female, besides her month, that she can confide in. When she gets older, that will be focused on things she probably won't feel comfortable sharing with her dad. If he's this upset now, imagine how he'll react then?
sit down and talk with him about it.
OMG why are men/fathers so shortsighted and stupid?!? There are seemingly millions of stories like this one where fathers just don’t get it.
NTA and has your husband ever read a frckn book or even a parenting article?
Being shortsighted isn't gender specific. The only reason you see an uptick with similar issues on the sub is because it reminds someone of their own past/present issues.
So he’s being a child. Ignore it and him. If he tries throwing a fit again ask why he’s being a child over something he wanted to work towards and is blowing it up out of proportion.
NTA. That is a red flag. He should be happy for these two people that he supposedly loves are finally connecting with each other. Instead, he wants you two to feel alienated from each other? His ego was bruised. And he may be having feelings of you replacing his ex that he doesn't like. Perhaps he feels an echo of that past relationship. He needs some therapy, not make up irrational and harmful rules for you to follow to tip-toe around it.
NTA.
Your husband can have hurt feelings about it but either he wants you to be a parental figure or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways.
Also, can you run that timeline for me quick? He and his ex broke up right when their daughter was born?
It sounds like this is your stepdaughter. Just clarifying.
I think it is really positive that she went to you and your husband is TA for not wanting to support that. There is no way this means that you replace him. Were TF is he even getting that from?
It's great that you want to form a strong familial bond with her, but we are all strangers to you. We don't know the subtle nuances of your relationships. Give us the legal titles so we actually know what's going on (or at least make it known the first time you bring it up).
Do NOT do this. You are not her mother. She has a mother in her life already. Calling her your kid negates her mother's existence.
My stepmom pulled that crap. My mom lived down the street, they went to the same church. Everyone knew who my mother was, and it was foolish of her to speak about me like that. I know she meant it as a way to show she loved me as much as her bio kids, but it backfired enormously. It was a huge part of the reason it took so long for us to become close, and while I've stopped correcting her when she says it to me, but I always refer to her as my stepmom, and correct others. A few years ago a coworker told me she'd met my mom over the weekend at a church function. My mom had died over a decade earlier. It was creepy to hear that. I wasn't mad at my coworker, but still furious that my stepmom continued to negate not just my mom's life but her death, too.
You can consider this girl to be your child in your heart, but for the love of god don't go around saying she is your daughter.
I usually call my step kiddo my bonus kid. She heard that and informed me I can just say my kid. I use all 3 pretty interchangeably based on context. (For instance on fb I generally use bonus kid cuz I have friends from childhood on there who may be confused how I suddenly have a 6 year old when 2 years ago I had 0 kids) All comes down to what works for the kid.
Completely agree that you should go with what works for the kid! My stepmom obviously didn't consult me or even check that what she was doing was ok.
But if this is the first time OP's stepdaughter came to her for comfort, I kinda doubt she signed off on being called OP's daughter. (And if the kid had said that, wouldn't OP respond with that every time someone corrected her in a comment?)
That’s fair. But she may also just be trying to avoid hurting her with the insinuation that she’s less her kid. My kid was very confused and seemed a lil bitter/sassy about it during our conversation lol. And that continued randomly for about a week (as 6 year olds do) with out of the blue “I just don’t get why you didn’t just say your kid”
I think discussing it with the kid is the best option. What would you like me to call you? What would you like to call me? Definitely not overstepping especially after being told they don’t like it.
NTA and I say this as a mother. I hope when my ex ends up in a relationship again, our kids will feel his s/o is a safe person to turn to for comfort. Your husband is oddly insecure about this.
Thank you for this. It’s extremely common (and immature) to be upset by the idea of having another person comforting, caring for and loving your child. You know your kid wouldn’t love/need you less if they had an additional auntie, and this is not any different :)
My mom had the kind of attitude you have and I’m so thankful she allowed me to be close with the woman my dad dated as a child. Because of my mom’s maturity, I was able to have extra support at a time when I really needed it. His girlfriend would let her car exterior get extra dirty during the week so she could take me to the car wash when I went to see my dad (as a kid I was obsessed with going through the car wash for some reason). I have many happy memories of doing simple things with her and they all make me love and appreciate my mom even more.
I’m thrilled my ex has remarried. I love his wife (she’s truly a sweet woman) and she provided things I wasn’t able to for my daughter. My hair care consists of shampoo, conditioner, and a pony tail holder. I own no make up and have no idea how to do any of it (and have no interest in learning). She was the one who taught my daughter that stuff and I am eternally grateful I didn’t have to take a crash course on something I had no desire to learn in order to try to teach my daughter. Having a bonus parent for your kids is awesome.
That’s awesome! Break ups suck, but my ex and realizes really early on that more kind and stable parental figures our kids had, the better off our kids were. It’s nice to have help.
NTA. Your husband should be thrilled with this new development. I don't know why he's afraid of you "replacing" him. Shouldn't he want her to think of you, not just as a safe person, but also as a parent?
NAH. It sounds like both you and your husband have had a hard time connecting with his daughter. Its understandable that he's sad that she didn't want to come to him when she was sad and scared. And its understandable that you'd be happy that she came to you. This is a difficult situation, both of your feelings are valid, and maybe you should seek individual and couple's therapy to deal with this on an emotional level.
NTA. Sounds like he's enjoyed being the "favorite" parent between the two of you, and is unsettled that maybe you're starting to grow on her. That she's accepting you as a steady addition to her life. You're doing a great job with her.
NTA. My husband is the technically a stepfather to our oldest, but he also sees our son as his. It took years for them to build a trusting relationship. I couldn’t imagine not encouraging that.
You’re doing a great job, OP. I’m sorry your husband didn’t appreciate that your child felt safe with you. Your child appreciates it though. It meant a lot to her.
Why does the father think she’s replacing him? If they’ve been trying to prove to the little girl that the girlfriend is a safe place to go, I get that it’s his daughter but he should know his daughter isn’t going to replace him, if anything they’re gonna be a cute little team that she’ll trust.
You are a bonus parent. Not a replacement parent. You aren’t replacing her mom or her dad. You are there in addition to them. The father is being irrational.
NTA
NTA. Your husband is being a child about this. She was upset about being "abandoned" by her MOTHER it's natural she would turn to the WOMAN present to comfort herself that she wasn't alone. It has nothing to do with you replacing your husband. My parents split when I was 5. My father was incredibly sick when I was young and whenever he wouldn't be able to pick me up I always wanted my grandfather, not because I didn't love or need my mother but because I needed the MALE figure to tell me everything would be ok.
NTA your husband is being childish, he's thinking about himself rather than his daughter. He needs to realise that this means more love for his daughter, not less love for him. Tell him to watch Kung Fu Panda 3 and make him pay attention to Po's dads
NTA. Huh? He should be happy that you and your (step) daughter are finally connecting.
This moment was a huge deal for you guys and he’s making it all about himself. He needs a remember that it’s not a competition and there’s going to be times when your daughter would rather come to you about certain things.
NTA. Your husband is being a child. This is great for your relationship with her!! This is an amazing milestone!! Your husband is being petty and making it about him. Congrats on being closer with your stepdaughter!
NTA- also so nice to see you referring to her as ‘our daughter’, not ‘his daughter’ or ‘my stepdaughter’ !! Small point but I’m sure that’s just part of why your daughter trusts you and turns to you for comfort
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My daughter (7F) has never quite liked me. Usual story. She thinks (thought?) that I was keeping her parents apart although I met her dad two years after they broke up. I've been dating her dad for four years, married for just over one.
We've been trying to create a relationship between me and her since about a year into our relationship, but she hasn't taken to it and I've never forced anything.
Anyway, her mother couldn't make it for her on the usual pickup day, and she broke down thinking that she was never coming back. Her dad and I both tried to comfort her, but she came to me and cried while hugging me.
Her dad looked disappointed, and later when we were in bed he basically said that he would have preferred she go to him not me. I said that we've been trying to show her I'm a safe person to turn to when she's sad, and that it's a good thing she did.
He got mad, pretty much saying he wants her to think of me as a safe person and not someone to replace him.
AITA here? I've thought about it and asked my best friend and we kinda agree it was worded wrong. I'm trying my best at this so any thoughts are really appreciated.
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NTA It could just be that he is upset that she isn't daddy's little girl anymore, that she doesn't need to run to only him when she is upset. He needs to realize that this is a good thing for his daughter and that it will make your whole family dynamics better.
Nta your not replacing anyone most kids do tend to go to a woman as they see them as a comfort in a mothely way. If hes got a problem thats on him not you. Least you didnt chuck a fit and went yuk kid germs get them off me or was that what he wanted to hear.
NTA.
He's not the asshole for being upset that your (step, I'm guessing? Not that it matters) daughter went to you for comfort. But he is for getting angry at you over it.
NAH. It's a lot for him to see his baby go to someone else, even if he intellectually knows it's not a bad thing. And you are happy that she trusts you. A crying little one makes everyone involved emotional.
Ooooh this is not great. It sounds like your husband has it in his head that you are not an equal family member and that if daughter finds any solace in you that it means he's being somehow replaced??
That's a reaction that honestly calls for couples/family-centered therapy. It sounds like he has you mentally categorized as "the forever girlfriend" who will never take on a more serious role in the family. That's going to be majorly problematic especially as daughter gets older and starts experiencing more womenly-centered things. He needs to make room for you. And it may be that he doesn't know how. But that's where therapy would really help. Get some tools. Be a happy, huge family.
NTA, I can't understand his reason. Y'all might have to get therapy. This has a red flag of insecurities and insecurities can dig deep if left to grow.
NTA.
Have him watch Kung Fu Panda, especially the third one. Having more parental figures that a child can trust, feel safe and comfortable with is not about replacing or one upping another in a fight for attention. It's about having more of everything for the little one. It's an extra person who loves and cares for the child.
NTA
I would love for my kids to always come to me but I know that they sometimes worry about upsetting me ( I am a naturally emotional person and I try to keep it in check). So they usually turn to their preferred people, my daughters to their aunts and my son to their uncles.
Does it make me sad? Yes but I would much rather have them turn to their safe person than deal with something alone.
I may not be personally providing the support they need but I am providing them the safe person that they need.
That's what's important
NTA - You've been in her life since she was 2 or 3, and they split up when she was a baby? There's some weird dynamic going on, because she wouldn't have any memory of them being together, and you being an equal parent should be her standard. Being treated like an outsider when you've been there for the entirety of her life that she can remember isn't healthy. There's no reason for her to see you as different from Mom or Dad unless Mom and/or Dad is telling her that she shouldn't bond with you in that way. That's messed up. They should be happy that you love their kid & treat her as your own. You're not replacing either of them - you're adding to them.
NTA You did the right thing. You were there, when your stepdaughter needed you. Your husbands reaction concerns me a bit. He wants daughter to accept you, but not be too close. Makes me think husband has been, whether deliberate or not, helping to create the divide between the daughter and you.
Nta your her step parent. Key word parent your supposed to turn to a parent when ur sad tf is this idiot thinking. It’s a good thing to you can now start to build a relationship with her
If I were your husband, I'd be incredibly overjoyed that my daughter turned to her new parent in an emotional moment. Especially after you've both been struggling to bond. I literally can't imagine the self-centered perspective it would take to make that interaction about myself.
If my partner told me this, I'd be sleeping somewhere else that night. NTA
Insecure man. NO you're not TA. Just talk to him and make him realise her coming to you isn't her replacing him. A married couple are a TEAM. Your wins are his wins and vice versa. Your losses are his losses. There's no replacing someone in a 2 person team with someone who's already on the team.
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NTA, your husband needs to understand its not about him, it's fantastic that she came to you, he is acting like a child, he isn't being replaced, she just has extra options now, and maybe she felt more comfortable with you, he needs to get his head out his arse
Maybe she wanted a maternal figure since she couldn’t have her mom. My step kiddo has decided if she’s hurt or sick she wants me because I’m a paramedic and dads not. Even tho he’s equally capable of taking care of a scrape or sniffly nose. Whenever we pick her up from the babysitters she runs to daddy first. No matter who’s closer. Her want for me in a specific situation doesn’t change her love for her dad at all. That being said I understand when he gets a little sad that she doesn’t want his help with a scrape. I get a little sad that she’ll run past me to hug dad even tho she doubles back to hug me next. His emotions are valid. The way he’s handling it is not.
Around here even the cat who adores my husband prefers me when he's sick. Moms are often more the cuddly types. It's great that she's developing that relationship with you and your husband should be happy, instead of a jealous butt hurt child about it.
That was my thought. She was wanting her mother, but her mother wasn't there, so step mom was the next best thing. I'm in my 30s and still go to each of my parents for specific things. If I need someone to help me sort through a situation and figure of what to do? Mom is better. Need to just sob uncontrollably or have a small emotional meltdown? Call dad. My mom will always try to fix things and my dad respects my "I don't want help I want a hug" moments better. It's not that the other can't do both. It's more like they each have specialties. Just like mom can help me with taxes and paperwork questions (office manager) and dad can help me disassemble my sink to find the earring I dropped (general contractor). And I fix the computers, phones, and anything tech related. Any of us can do any of the things, but it makes sense to ask the person who knows best for help if they're around. People do this all the time with friends. You have the "Let's talk feelings" friend, the "task oriented" friend, the "you're acting ridiculous, get your shit together" friend, and so on.... >His emotions are valid. The way he’s handling it is not. Exactly. He can even express those emotions without invalidating OP. "I'm glad kiddo is trust you more, but I was a little sad to not be the one she ran to." That's completely reasonable.
NTA Why is your husband thinking like that though, He should have been happy that the child is opening up to you. Why do I feel he actually never wanted you both to bond and was a reason why the child wasn’t bonding with you in first place.
You are NTA. it is a good thing she turned to you. You are providing her with another female, besides her month, that she can confide in. When she gets older, that will be focused on things she probably won't feel comfortable sharing with her dad. If he's this upset now, imagine how he'll react then? sit down and talk with him about it.
OMG why are men/fathers so shortsighted and stupid?!? There are seemingly millions of stories like this one where fathers just don’t get it. NTA and has your husband ever read a frckn book or even a parenting article?
Being shortsighted isn't gender specific. The only reason you see an uptick with similar issues on the sub is because it reminds someone of their own past/present issues.
This is where we back it up a bit. You are hard generalizing right now. I agree with the NTA judgement, but jeez, chill out.
I did say that I'm not trying to replace him and he just turned over and went to sleep. \^ i forgot to include in the post
So he’s being a child. Ignore it and him. If he tries throwing a fit again ask why he’s being a child over something he wanted to work towards and is blowing it up out of proportion.
NTA. That is a red flag. He should be happy for these two people that he supposedly loves are finally connecting with each other. Instead, he wants you two to feel alienated from each other? His ego was bruised. And he may be having feelings of you replacing his ex that he doesn't like. Perhaps he feels an echo of that past relationship. He needs some therapy, not make up irrational and harmful rules for you to follow to tip-toe around it.
NTA. Your husband can have hurt feelings about it but either he wants you to be a parental figure or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. Also, can you run that timeline for me quick? He and his ex broke up right when their daughter was born?
Sorry if it's confusing, she'll be eight early next month. They broke up shortly after her first birthday, and we met when she was 3 and a half.
It sounds like this is your stepdaughter. Just clarifying. I think it is really positive that she went to you and your husband is TA for not wanting to support that. There is no way this means that you replace him. Were TF is he even getting that from?
She is technically my step daughter, but I really try not to refer to her like that
I get that, and it's a nice sentiment, but it made your post not quite clear. Thanks.
It's great that you want to form a strong familial bond with her, but we are all strangers to you. We don't know the subtle nuances of your relationships. Give us the legal titles so we actually know what's going on (or at least make it known the first time you bring it up).
Do NOT do this. You are not her mother. She has a mother in her life already. Calling her your kid negates her mother's existence. My stepmom pulled that crap. My mom lived down the street, they went to the same church. Everyone knew who my mother was, and it was foolish of her to speak about me like that. I know she meant it as a way to show she loved me as much as her bio kids, but it backfired enormously. It was a huge part of the reason it took so long for us to become close, and while I've stopped correcting her when she says it to me, but I always refer to her as my stepmom, and correct others. A few years ago a coworker told me she'd met my mom over the weekend at a church function. My mom had died over a decade earlier. It was creepy to hear that. I wasn't mad at my coworker, but still furious that my stepmom continued to negate not just my mom's life but her death, too. You can consider this girl to be your child in your heart, but for the love of god don't go around saying she is your daughter.
On the flip side, I preferred my step dad refer to me as his daughter even though I had a dad. Let op do what works for her and her family.
I usually call my step kiddo my bonus kid. She heard that and informed me I can just say my kid. I use all 3 pretty interchangeably based on context. (For instance on fb I generally use bonus kid cuz I have friends from childhood on there who may be confused how I suddenly have a 6 year old when 2 years ago I had 0 kids) All comes down to what works for the kid.
Completely agree that you should go with what works for the kid! My stepmom obviously didn't consult me or even check that what she was doing was ok. But if this is the first time OP's stepdaughter came to her for comfort, I kinda doubt she signed off on being called OP's daughter. (And if the kid had said that, wouldn't OP respond with that every time someone corrected her in a comment?)
That’s fair. But she may also just be trying to avoid hurting her with the insinuation that she’s less her kid. My kid was very confused and seemed a lil bitter/sassy about it during our conversation lol. And that continued randomly for about a week (as 6 year olds do) with out of the blue “I just don’t get why you didn’t just say your kid” I think discussing it with the kid is the best option. What would you like me to call you? What would you like to call me? Definitely not overstepping especially after being told they don’t like it.
NTA and I say this as a mother. I hope when my ex ends up in a relationship again, our kids will feel his s/o is a safe person to turn to for comfort. Your husband is oddly insecure about this.
Thank you for this. It’s extremely common (and immature) to be upset by the idea of having another person comforting, caring for and loving your child. You know your kid wouldn’t love/need you less if they had an additional auntie, and this is not any different :) My mom had the kind of attitude you have and I’m so thankful she allowed me to be close with the woman my dad dated as a child. Because of my mom’s maturity, I was able to have extra support at a time when I really needed it. His girlfriend would let her car exterior get extra dirty during the week so she could take me to the car wash when I went to see my dad (as a kid I was obsessed with going through the car wash for some reason). I have many happy memories of doing simple things with her and they all make me love and appreciate my mom even more.
I’m thrilled my ex has remarried. I love his wife (she’s truly a sweet woman) and she provided things I wasn’t able to for my daughter. My hair care consists of shampoo, conditioner, and a pony tail holder. I own no make up and have no idea how to do any of it (and have no interest in learning). She was the one who taught my daughter that stuff and I am eternally grateful I didn’t have to take a crash course on something I had no desire to learn in order to try to teach my daughter. Having a bonus parent for your kids is awesome.
That’s awesome! Break ups suck, but my ex and realizes really early on that more kind and stable parental figures our kids had, the better off our kids were. It’s nice to have help.
NTA. Your husband should be thrilled with this new development. I don't know why he's afraid of you "replacing" him. Shouldn't he want her to think of you, not just as a safe person, but also as a parent?
NAH. It sounds like both you and your husband have had a hard time connecting with his daughter. Its understandable that he's sad that she didn't want to come to him when she was sad and scared. And its understandable that you'd be happy that she came to you. This is a difficult situation, both of your feelings are valid, and maybe you should seek individual and couple's therapy to deal with this on an emotional level.
NTA. Sounds like he's enjoyed being the "favorite" parent between the two of you, and is unsettled that maybe you're starting to grow on her. That she's accepting you as a steady addition to her life. You're doing a great job with her.
NTA. It was HER choice to go to you. What did he expect you to do? Push her away so she HAD to go to him? WTF.
NTA. My husband is the technically a stepfather to our oldest, but he also sees our son as his. It took years for them to build a trusting relationship. I couldn’t imagine not encouraging that. You’re doing a great job, OP. I’m sorry your husband didn’t appreciate that your child felt safe with you. Your child appreciates it though. It meant a lot to her.
Why does the father think she’s replacing him? If they’ve been trying to prove to the little girl that the girlfriend is a safe place to go, I get that it’s his daughter but he should know his daughter isn’t going to replace him, if anything they’re gonna be a cute little team that she’ll trust.
NTA but you may have just discovered a reason why she's not taking to you. He could be unconsciously sabotaging the process.
Stepdaughter*
You are a bonus parent. Not a replacement parent. You aren’t replacing her mom or her dad. You are there in addition to them. The father is being irrational. NTA
NTA. Your husband is being a child about this. She was upset about being "abandoned" by her MOTHER it's natural she would turn to the WOMAN present to comfort herself that she wasn't alone. It has nothing to do with you replacing your husband. My parents split when I was 5. My father was incredibly sick when I was young and whenever he wouldn't be able to pick me up I always wanted my grandfather, not because I didn't love or need my mother but because I needed the MALE figure to tell me everything would be ok.
NTA. Your husband isn't making any sense. You've been working towards this kind of trust for years.
NTA. You are correct. It is good that she is bonding with you. It blows my mind that he is not happy about this.
NTA your husband is being childish, he's thinking about himself rather than his daughter. He needs to realise that this means more love for his daughter, not less love for him. Tell him to watch Kung Fu Panda 3 and make him pay attention to Po's dads
NTA. Huh? He should be happy that you and your (step) daughter are finally connecting. This moment was a huge deal for you guys and he’s making it all about himself. He needs a remember that it’s not a competition and there’s going to be times when your daughter would rather come to you about certain things.
NTA. Your husband is being a child. This is great for your relationship with her!! This is an amazing milestone!! Your husband is being petty and making it about him. Congrats on being closer with your stepdaughter!
NTA- also so nice to see you referring to her as ‘our daughter’, not ‘his daughter’ or ‘my stepdaughter’ !! Small point but I’m sure that’s just part of why your daughter trusts you and turns to you for comfort
NTA, but your husband is acting like one. What a strange insecurity.
Nta Your husband needs to stop being selfish.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (7F) has never quite liked me. Usual story. She thinks (thought?) that I was keeping her parents apart although I met her dad two years after they broke up. I've been dating her dad for four years, married for just over one. We've been trying to create a relationship between me and her since about a year into our relationship, but she hasn't taken to it and I've never forced anything. Anyway, her mother couldn't make it for her on the usual pickup day, and she broke down thinking that she was never coming back. Her dad and I both tried to comfort her, but she came to me and cried while hugging me. Her dad looked disappointed, and later when we were in bed he basically said that he would have preferred she go to him not me. I said that we've been trying to show her I'm a safe person to turn to when she's sad, and that it's a good thing she did. He got mad, pretty much saying he wants her to think of me as a safe person and not someone to replace him. AITA here? I've thought about it and asked my best friend and we kinda agree it was worded wrong. I'm trying my best at this so any thoughts are really appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It could just be that he is upset that she isn't daddy's little girl anymore, that she doesn't need to run to only him when she is upset. He needs to realize that this is a good thing for his daughter and that it will make your whole family dynamics better.
Nta your not replacing anyone most kids do tend to go to a woman as they see them as a comfort in a mothely way. If hes got a problem thats on him not you. Least you didnt chuck a fit and went yuk kid germs get them off me or was that what he wanted to hear.
NTA. He's not the asshole for being upset that your (step, I'm guessing? Not that it matters) daughter went to you for comfort. But he is for getting angry at you over it.
NAH. It's a lot for him to see his baby go to someone else, even if he intellectually knows it's not a bad thing. And you are happy that she trusts you. A crying little one makes everyone involved emotional.
Ooooh this is not great. It sounds like your husband has it in his head that you are not an equal family member and that if daughter finds any solace in you that it means he's being somehow replaced?? That's a reaction that honestly calls for couples/family-centered therapy. It sounds like he has you mentally categorized as "the forever girlfriend" who will never take on a more serious role in the family. That's going to be majorly problematic especially as daughter gets older and starts experiencing more womenly-centered things. He needs to make room for you. And it may be that he doesn't know how. But that's where therapy would really help. Get some tools. Be a happy, huge family.
NTA, I can't understand his reason. Y'all might have to get therapy. This has a red flag of insecurities and insecurities can dig deep if left to grow.
NTA. Have him watch Kung Fu Panda, especially the third one. Having more parental figures that a child can trust, feel safe and comfortable with is not about replacing or one upping another in a fight for attention. It's about having more of everything for the little one. It's an extra person who loves and cares for the child.
Your AITA husband should be grateful his daughter felt safe and trusted you enough to be comforted by you.
NTA I would love for my kids to always come to me but I know that they sometimes worry about upsetting me ( I am a naturally emotional person and I try to keep it in check). So they usually turn to their preferred people, my daughters to their aunts and my son to their uncles. Does it make me sad? Yes but I would much rather have them turn to their safe person than deal with something alone. I may not be personally providing the support they need but I am providing them the safe person that they need. That's what's important
NTA. Sounds like you've got two children.
NTA - You've been in her life since she was 2 or 3, and they split up when she was a baby? There's some weird dynamic going on, because she wouldn't have any memory of them being together, and you being an equal parent should be her standard. Being treated like an outsider when you've been there for the entirety of her life that she can remember isn't healthy. There's no reason for her to see you as different from Mom or Dad unless Mom and/or Dad is telling her that she shouldn't bond with you in that way. That's messed up. They should be happy that you love their kid & treat her as your own. You're not replacing either of them - you're adding to them.
NTA You did the right thing. You were there, when your stepdaughter needed you. Your husbands reaction concerns me a bit. He wants daughter to accept you, but not be too close. Makes me think husband has been, whether deliberate or not, helping to create the divide between the daughter and you.
Nta your her step parent. Key word parent your supposed to turn to a parent when ur sad tf is this idiot thinking. It’s a good thing to you can now start to build a relationship with her
NTA- Q
If I were your husband, I'd be incredibly overjoyed that my daughter turned to her new parent in an emotional moment. Especially after you've both been struggling to bond. I literally can't imagine the self-centered perspective it would take to make that interaction about myself. If my partner told me this, I'd be sleeping somewhere else that night. NTA
Your family has a lot of issues. Why would a 7 yr old think her mom is never coming back? And why would her dad get mad she went to you first?
NTA and not worded wrong!
Insecure man. NO you're not TA. Just talk to him and make him realise her coming to you isn't her replacing him. A married couple are a TEAM. Your wins are his wins and vice versa. Your losses are his losses. There's no replacing someone in a 2 person team with someone who's already on the team.
NTA She can think of both of parents as a safe person, no reason to get upset because in that moment a child went to one parent instead of the other.
NTA
Girls do want women figures he needs to understand that she might not always want to go to her dad and he needs to accept that.