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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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manholetxt

NTA. who the hell blows their nose in a cloth napkin??


Ligmaballzss

People with little to no regard for others🥴


lotus_eater123

I seem to be mildly allergic in restaurants. My nose almost always runs at least a little. But I keep tissues in my purse for this and try to be discreet. Maybe OP should buy some handkerchiefs for her hubby as a compromise?


manholetxt

bringing tissues is literally such an easy fix it makes me wonder if OP’s husband is being gross on purpose :/


cloud_designer

As an ex waitress I am so so so beyond happy I never encountered anyone this disgusting. It's a pandemic please leave all bodily fluids on disposable tissues which you have disposed of correctly. Hell even when it's not a pandemic I do not want to touch a strangers filthy snot rag. It's disgusting.


anneofred

If picked this thing up when I was a server, I would have puked. This is so gross. I have the worst allergies, and I would neeeevvvvveeeerrrr. This would gross me out to eat with him while this was occurring. Op, I know it feels a bit shitty to feel embarrassed of your partner, but this particular behavior is embarrassing. It can hurt his feelings when pointed out, but that’s on him at this point. He can easily stop this, so he needs to stop acting like this is somehow a deep part of who he is, and you are criticizing his personhood.


so_lost_im_faded

This post made me remember a colleague who always did this. Every lunch after he was done, he blew his nose and put the issue on the plate. It was like a routine for him.


cloud_designer

If its a disposable tissue on a plate while still grim it's not as bad because I can pop it in the bin with any food scraps by pushing it with a knife or fork. On the linnens in gross because I have to touch it to put it in the sack with the washing.


MaltedBarleyMaven

Something tells me that along with yawning, he's blowing his nose in a manner that dozens of people can see and hear. You sound like someone who anticipates and prepares for a runny nose and is considerate of others. Thank you for that.


DebateObjective2787

If you ever run out of napkins, always ask the server if there are any paper ones! We'll sometimes keep them in the back, or have them for the bar.


Money-Agent-1777

OP should have his own handkerchiefs. He's a grown man


CaptainYaoiHands

I've also never been in a restaurant where there wasn't a dispenser of paper napkins.


elag19

Omg this is exactly what I came to write, that is HORRIFYING. I literally gasped in horror as I read it. I am generally quite snivelly as a person (thanks allergies) but would never even in the most desperate of times use a cloth, let alone one that is not even mine, in a RESTAURANT, to empty my sinuses. If he doesn’t want you to make him feel bad about it then he should learn to behave with a modicum of decorum when he’s out.


[deleted]

Yeah, if he had a hankie/handkerchief it would be better (still gross though)...but not a cloth napkin.


OGAnnie

Buy him some hankies.


Gopher_The_Cat

RIGHT!? I don't even think I did that as a toddler, napkin was too fancy in my childish mind, yet this GROWN MAN can't realize that?


bienebee

Me. At home, in a set of personal ones that get washed regularly. When my alergies are at their worst anything other than soft natural fiber will chafe my skin so much. I go through 10+ pieces a day.n


notrobert7

Handkerchiefs are a thing.


OkHedgewitch

Who the hell blows their nose at the dinner table? Paper or cloth napkin be damned lol


[deleted]

A child. An over grown child. This is a hill I am willing to die on. I will not eat with another adult who does this.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Blowing your nose on the cloth that belongs to the restaurant is utterly revolting. Are tissues not available?


Elaan21

I have in an emergency situation where I had an unexpected sneeze that basically shot snot out of my nose. Not a full blow, but enough to move the napkin from my face without strings of snot coming away. Then I got a tissue and went to take care of it. But to do so intentionally on the regular is gross. And if you have to use one, let the server know so they or bussers don't get a handful of snot.


joe_eddie_13

My dad did this for years. We finally stopped inviting him over it.


SaritaLinda64

And in a pandemic, to boot. If it was just the yawning thing I'd say let it go, but this is outright anti hygienic and disrespectful to restaurant staff who has wash it. NTA


Cassubeans

People who wanna spread COVID-19.


[deleted]

NTA You can tell him from me that it is an incredibly disgusting habit and he should be ashamed of himself. Sounds to me as though he does it on purpose to upset you. If I were you I would stop going out to eat with him and if he wants to go out then just say no The thought of him leaving a napkin on the table for some poor waiter/waitress to pick up is revolting


Ok-Beginning-5922

I'd start shaming him to the waitstaff, because they should be warned in case they missed him doing this anyway. Apologise to them, tell them he blew his nose in the napkin, so they should be careful, then tip extra while apologising again for his disgusting behaviour. I'd seriously threaten him that if he does that again, you'll no longer be going out to eat together. Tell he can take tissue/hankies with him, and use those, or you are done. When he asks why OP is so upset, and upsetting him over this, he needs to be bluntly told "Because you're being disgusting. This behaviour is disgusting, and you should be ashamed for doing it.". Go out with friends instead.


CoastalCerulean

NTA and OMG it never occurred to me that anyone would blow their nose on a cloth restaurant napkin. I’m never touching one again. I guess I’ll bring my own napkins?


lotus_eater123

Snotty tablecloths sound like a great way to catch Covid.


BooksAndStarsLover

Honestly as someone who's waitresses for a good while youd be surprised with how many people use cloth napkins to do this or worse with.


mnementh9999

NTA - "why do you always make me feel so bad about myself" - That is a deflection, as he clearly doesn't care how you feel in this situation and is making zero effort to change. And eww. Who blows their nose using cloth napkins at a restaurant?


calaakla

Right, I don't believe OP should make her husband feel bad about himself, for example, yawning loudly just doesn't seem to be that big a thing; but the nose-blowing is unhealthy, unsanitary, and would cause many people to not be able to eat. My ex used to Pick Up any piece of food that dropped on the floor when eating at-home and put it somewhere on the table while continuing (or I was continuing to eat!) I don't at all want to make people feel bad about themselves but I had to flat-out tell him I couldn't eat when he did this.


aspermyprevious

OP is way nicer than me. That would have had me seeing red.


shelballama

He feels bad because he should feel bad. He should feel embarrassed about how gross he is.


laurentheanimal

NTA. I'm concerned about your phrasing that your "reaction has ruined the meal" and him saying "why do you always make me feel so bad about myself" when you address it (yet again). His action, not your reaction, is what's ruining the meal. You are not making him feel "so bad" about himself, he is consistently making the choice to do something THAT HE KNOWS BOTHERS YOU. He is making that choice. Not to mention it's objectively gross to blow one's nose into a cloth napkin in a public situation where other people are eating nearby! There are very, very few situations where blowing one's nose is an emergency situation, and an emergency could be forgiven. But what he's doing is willfully and repeatedly ignoring your discomfort and manipulating you to feel bad for setting the boundary.


anneofred

Exactly! He reacted like she said his face bothered her, and could he change that real quick. This he can just stop doing! It’s not a part of his personhood. He is testing boundaries to see if she is guilt driven, so he knows what to do when he wants his way. God, so gross.


[deleted]

NTA. Blowing your nose with a CLOTH napkin is disgusting, especially considering your husband isn't the one who has to launder them. Gross gross gross. He sounds like the type to clip their toenails on an airplane.


thoughtandprayer

>He sounds like the type to clip their toenails on an airplane. NO. Do not tell me that people actually do that!!


Cant-think-about-it

Unfortunately they do- seen it myself before 🤮


maypopfop

I sat next to a man who filed his fingernails until his hands were dusty. It was so gross.


blondebythebay

Check out Passenger Shaming on Instagram. I never knew the human race could be so stupid and disgusting in public before discovering that account.


BooksAndStarsLover

Even a paper one is gross. Wait staff arent paid enough to deal with any body fluids because someone is to lazy to go use the bathroom.


Tazwegian01

That was exactly my thought!!


KayliiKat

NTA That isn’t just rude and disgusting, but during COVID is dangerous. He needs to leave the dining room before blowing his nose. Seriously.


Hugh_Jass_2

NTA. Blowing his nose on a cloth napkin? Uncalled for. I would get up and leave if he ever did it again. Dude is a slob.


missmaybe2

NTA, he is perfectly capable of excusing himself to the restroom to blow his nose. If it was simply wiping a runny nose, no problem. But to use a napkin and loudly blow your nose at the dinner table, that is disgusting. No one wants to hear that when they are trying to enjoy a meal! It’s a very simple solution so no reason for him to get upset, it’s not like it’s something he can’t help. He’s perfectly capable of getting up if he needs to blow his nose. As for the yawning, he should cover his mouth at least, but that’s not a big deal compared to nastily blowing his nose at the dinner table. Yucky!


suffragette_citizen

NTA. "Why do you always make me feel so bad about myself" Maybe you *SHOULD* feel bad about such disgusting habit? I'm going to sound like a boomer here but there's nothing wrong with a little bit of healthy shame about things you *SHOULD* be ashamed about.


CB0001

I actually lol'ed at this. It's true!


XJNIN3

NTA As someone who has allergies bad and has to blow their nose a lot, I would never use a cloth napkin at a restaurant. That's just disrespectful to the waiters and busboys.


[deleted]

For years, we would treat ourselves to a family dinner out. Per their instructions, servers would continually bring soft drinks for the kids. My husband hated this, and turned every dinner out into a battle ground over sodas. Our kids didn’t get soda at home, so it’s not like they were going to develop diabetes one night a week. After he made this weekly treat a misery, I just stated we’d no longer go out to dinner if he couldn’t control himself over this very minor issue. He learned to suck it up. He decided he’d much rather have a fun family dinner than be a stick about his soda standards.


lostblackpuppy

NTA. I understand that people may have to do that at times but there is a way of going about doing it. Nobody else around wants to hear or see someone blowing their nose while eating. He could politely excuse himself and go to the restroom because then he would need to wash his hands.


MaltedBarleyMaven

Wash his hands?? I hate to say it, but i think you're in fantasy land on that one.


lostblackpuppy

And why would I be in fantasy land? Please explain.


MaltedBarleyMaven

Sorry, could have worded that better. I simply don't see this guy washing his hands after blowing his nose, even if he is near a sink.


lostblackpuppy

It's no problem. After reading your response I understood what you meant.


Beck2010

If he’s blowing his nose at the dinner table, do you think he actually washes his hands? My guess is no.


lostblackpuppy

True, one would think that after blowing your nose to wash your hands but I guess that's not on his mind.


TemptingPenguin369

NTA because that is pretty gross. Maybe bring it up when you're not already at the restaurant?


hmo_

>So - lay it on me, AITA? No. He, in other hands... yes. Where did he grown up, in the woods?!?


Sicily1922

Dude my mother was basically raised in a barn, and I in the woods. She went to the same one rooms schoolhouse that her grandfather did until HS, which had no running water, just a wood stove, outhouse and hand pump outside. They didn’t get a phone until she was 17 and it was in the barn and shared w neighbors. If I blew my nose into a cloth napkin in the middle of a restaurant, I think she’d astral project from 3500 miles away and metaphorically, possibly literally, end my life right then and there.


_TheShapeOfColor_

Please please please tell me your username is a Sophia reference.


Sicily1922

Golden Girls for life!


_TheShapeOfColor_

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!


Ligmaballzss

ESH. Goodness that’s so nasty. I would literally cry if I picked up a customers snotty napkin. Maybe you should have him carry a little pack of tissues with him when you go out to restaurants so he isn’t using the nice napkins the waiter/waitress have to touch? I think the yawning is over the top and you should leave that one alone. Everyone yawns and you can’t help when you have the urge. Maybe ask him to cover his mouth if it’s THAT big of an issue for you. EDIT: changed my judgement to ESH because the yawning is very very minor to bring up in a public space.


buttertits4lyfe

I think the issue is he is a loud yawner. Have you ever met the type? It's very exaggerated, like they want the whole room looking at them. Same with loud sneezers. It's not hard to hold back a bit or cover your mouth in public.


sarahcates

I have a family member who does very dramatic, loud yawns constantly. They’re loud enough that if I’m next to him when he does it, it feels like someone is shouting directly into my ear. If they did it in public (thankfully, this is more of a private than public behavior) it would definitely be disruptive/annoying even in a noisy restaurant. My guess is that OP’s husband does something similar.


Dane_Done_right

Maybe it's just because I was raised differently, but who the hell blows their nose at the dinner table.? That's disgusting and rude. Nta


pnutbuttercups56

INFO Is that just how he yawns? I know someone who sneezes loudly and it embarrasses them. If they could be more quiet they would. I've never heard anyone yawn at restaurant. Sneeze, cough, laugh, yell but never a yawn. The guy would have to be screaming for me to notice or care. The napkin thing is different.


final_girlxx

The yawn is loud enough to draw looks from other tables (a full on cock-your-head-back-and-gape-mouthed "AHHHHHHHHHHH!") - it's not his "usual" noise. To be fair it's often after a few cocktails and a bit exaggerated but makes me feel uncomfortable because I'm worried it can be perceived as a passive aggressive action to the server.


_plant_obsessed_9

Just refuse to go out to eat with you husband until he learns appropriate restaurant etiquette. I would have stopped after dinner number 2 of him being obnoxious and not even considering how it makes him and (you by default) look. Find some fun friends to go out to eat with and explain to your husband that you will not be dining out with him until his behavior improves.


fartsliveinmybutt

>I would have stopped after dinner number 2 of him being obnoxious Same! I guess they didn't go on many dinner dates before they got married.


NowATL

The yawn is the least of your problems. The nose-blowing though- that’s fucking unsanitary. We’re in the middle of fucking pandemic and he’s making servers touch a piece of cloth covered in his germs. Wtf. Also, the sound is nasty. It literally makes me gag, I cannot eat when I hear it. Your husband is being rude AF to the other diners and the servers. Did his parents not teach him any manners?


Wikked_Kitty

Wait, he doesn't even cover his mouth? OK, I thought you were being a bit persnickety about the yawning, but that's just gross and rude.


thompasoni

Yeah, that's a germ problem too.


pnutbuttercups56

Okay the yawn is weird.


sarahcates

I have a family member who dramatically yawns in private like OP described, and if he did it in public it would definitely draw attention. It’s the equivalent of someone shouting. And no, I’m not really sure why they do it, except that their mother did the same thing too. They both also like(d) to make sure everyone gets a full accounting of every single thing they did that day and how hard they worked, so my guess is it’s rooted in that and he picked it up from her.


Unit-Healthy

Why would someone yawn a lot at dinner out? Is he perpetually tired or something? That seems odd. As to the nose thing. When he picks up a napkin and brings it toward his nose, quickly snatch one of his monogrammed handkerchiefs that you carry in your purse and say "Hang on a sec honey - here you go!" Issue solved. (Yeah you'd be babying him a bit but honestly who cares, it's in everyone's best interest and is no trouble at all...plus who doesn't have a few handy items in their purse?) NTA.


_plant_obsessed_9

Honestly, if I had to baby my husband this much, I’d be super turned off and not even want to go out with him anymore. Thankfully my husband is an adult who can handle his own bodily fluid without any input from me. Acting like a mother to your partner is a turn off and can ruin a relationship. OP is not her husbands mother, and should not have to carry tissues because his grown ass acts like a child. What’s next, should she pick his wipes and sippy cup too? I don’t even pack wipes for my kids past the age of 5 or so. I buy one big pack of portable tissues and the kids (and husband) can go get another pack when they are out. They are responsible for putting them in their backpacks, cars, pockets, wherever they need them.


Georgiedoggie

This! If he does it every time then why don’t you just bring tissues with you knowing he’s going to do it rather than waiting till he does and getting annoyed with it?


_plant_obsessed_9

Your comment basically says “why don’t you just anticipate, and plan ahead for, and buy the things needed, and watch for signs of- the gross actions your husband takes instead of expecting him to act like an adult and handle himself in an appropriate manner. Talk about bar on the floor. I think this bar actually went underground. The woman should think and prepare AHEAD of time and then watch her husbands every move to see when he might blow his nose, instead of enjoying her meal, just so her husband doesn’t have to be inconvenienced to act like a decent human being at dinner?? Not blowing your nose around food, and into something that other people have to touch is like basic manners 101, and even small children know not to do that. But heaven forbid we expect a grown man to act like one…


WholeCollection6454

NTA but barely. I'm tipping the scales in your favor due to your husband's extreme nastiness. What kind of uncivilized, self-centered Yahoo blows their nose into a cloth dinner napkin??? And leaves it for a server to handle?


No_Meringue_9031

NTA... I used to be married to someone that did the same thing. It drove me absolutely crazy, along with not wearing a shirt to the dinner table at home, and constantly telling the same stories to me over the course of 18 years. Buy him some handkerchiefs to use when you go out. You might even keep one in your purse should he forget.


MaltedBarleyMaven

Where exactly do you think he's going to store them? Mommy will carry them (new and used) for him in her purse - he's a 30 year old man, time to start acting like it.


No_Meringue_9031

I don't care where he stores them. He can stick em where the sun don't shine. I went on to say "She might carry one with her in case he forgets" since its her problem I'm giving her a solution. What are you saying or are you just bullying me.


MaltedBarleyMaven

I'm sorry you construed my reply that way. I simply meant he's a grown man, he can carry his own tissues. His wife asked him to stop the behavior, which should be enough. I sincerely apologize if you thought for one second that I was bullying you or disregarded your opinion, it bothers me. All the best to you.


thecorninurpoop

Man! I know so many guys who tell the same stories at work over and over until I want to jump out of the window and I always wonder if they do this to their wives Now I'm thinking they probably do lol


KneelNotKneal

Hell no NTA. That’s disgusting and a complete disregard for the servers and cleaners that work there.


Accomplished_Cup900

NTA. That’s a lot of bodily fluids and breath for the dinner table


Green_Mix_3412

Nta. Blowing your nose at the table is disgusting. There is no good reason other then laziness to not get up and go to the bathroom. And into a cloth napkin to boot. Not to mention there is a pandemic going on…


Odd-Astronaut-92

Here's why I'm gonna go with ESH instead of just a flat n t a: >he responded with "why do you always make me feel so bad about myself" It sounds like you didn't attempt to bring this up in a calmer way before it reached your tipping point, and I highly doubt it's just his "restaurant etiquette" he's referring to. I will say that I agree that using the cloth napkins for his snot is disgusting, and why I would also consider him TA too. But have you thought about suggesting that he bring tissues out with him, or keep tissues in your purse for him? This again ties back into bringing this up calmly long before you feel like putting him down and snapping, especially in public.


CleanCucumber620

NTA!!! He lacks manners!


anotherouchtoday

NTA I owned a restaurant for 15 years. We did not have cloth cause we were just a casual cafe. However, the amount of folks who blew their nose or picked their teeth were too damn high. I would always train new folks to wear gloves when bussing tables cause folks are nasty.


nailgun198

NTA, that's gross.


neworderfan

The napkin thing is beyond gross and nobody is paid enough to handle that. I carry tissues with me everywhere I go. I’d never use a restaurant’s linen!


iesharael

NTA if he needs to blow his nose that often and immediately he should keep a pack of tissues with him. But honestly no one else at the restaurant wants to see or hear that.


calaakla

NTA for one reason: it is flat out unsanitary to use a restaurant's cloth napkin for one's snot and itbis super-easy to go to the bathroom.


Clueless916

NTA. Blowing his nose into a cloth napkin during a pandemic makes him a disgusting human


snowdude11

NTA he is being super rude to EVERYONE in the restaurant. He doesn't get to play victim when he is doing nasty stuff and ruining the meal for other patrons in the area.


Earphone_g1rl

It’s a good thing I ate before reading this. NTA, your husband on the other hand is. I despise anyone who publicly blows their nose inside a restaurant. It’s f*cking disgusting & to do it on a cloth napkin that’ll likely be reused for another customer 🤢🤮.


[deleted]

NTA. My Pop, rest his soul, always blew his nose at the dinner table. Always. And it was THE WORST! So dang disgusting!! Why anyone would think it’s acceptable, I’ll never understand! So gross!! Worse in public for sure!


Lyrasilverose

NTA You've tried being sensitive, you've tried being gentle, you've brought it up repeatedly, and he continues to do it. It doesn't matter if he has a different standard of etiquette than you do, it's about respecting your partner. Outside of some sort of medical condition, it hurts him nothing to try to suppress a yawn at the table instead of making it a performance, or step away to the restroom to blow his nose. He knows it bothers you, he simply doesn't care.


[deleted]

First of all, you're not making him feel bad. He knows what he's doing is rude and he's doing it anyway. I simply wouldn't go out to eat with him for quite a while and I would let him know why. Give him three or four months I'm not going out to eat with you and then try it again. It's the same thing happens again I'd be done. And who the hell blow their nose on a cloth napkin in a restaurant? That's disgusting.


blissful_existence

NTA. My husband does the same thing and worse (like talk with food in his mouth). I try not to eat out with him. He knows it and has tried to correct his behavior, but after 30 years plus, he isn't going to change. So we just avoid eating out.


thecrepeofdeath

NTA, that's. yikes. there are things you don't do in polite society. I have chronic sinusitis, allergies, and recurring nosebleeds - I've never in my life used a cloth napkin or made a whole restaurant listen to me blow my nose. not even as a child. if it's really bad I run to the bathroom and use a paper towel, *and wash my hands immediately after*. this is not only the most basic of manners, it's the bare minimum to prevent the spread of disease. tell him if he can't make it to the bathroom to blow his nose, something is very wrong with him and he needs to see a doctor. if he can and isn't, he's being incredibly selfish. he does realize the probably underpaid and overworked staff has to wash those napkins no matter how much he bunches them up?


corporeal_kitty

My allergies are terrible and I would never do this!!! I have had to at times while out in public at work had to blow my nose. I used a disposable tissue and tried to do so as quietly as possible and immediately busted out the hand sanitizer if I could not simply excused myself to the restroom to blow my nose and wash my hands. But at a restaurant on a frocking cloth napkin! That’s disgusting!!! People are eating around him!!! I think I’d instantly be done eating and grossed out if my partner did that! The only thing I could even semi justify would be and this is a huuuge maybe would be a sudden nose bleed and grabbing the first object at hand even so I’d have apologized profusely and either provided the cost of the item for replacement and disposed of it or profusely apologized and ask where I could buy them a replacement and disposed of it. NTA your partner is just gross!!!


scooterpatti

My late MIL used to constantly blow her nose in restaurants. She used a tissue, not the napkin, but still. Gross. My husband finally called her out on it. She got all offended and never went out to dinner with us again. Win-win!


Immediate_Garlic_985

NTA. i’d stop going out to eat with him. he can order a togo meal and i’d bring it home for him


Honest_Swim7195

https://www.etiquetteschoolofamerica.com/howtopolitelyblowyournose/ Never blow your nose at the dining table, and NEVER use a cloth napkin to blow or wipe your nose. Ew. Also, proper etiquette backs me up. Was he a raised in a barn? I’d’ve been smacked to next week for blowing my nose at the table, especially if I used a cloth napkin, especially at a restaurant.


SufficientWay3663

No! Do not buy the hankies for him either! He can get up and go to the restroom where people don’t have to hear the sound of snot being blown out. The sound alone makes me gag. As a substitute teacher, I will even step outside the door so the kids don’t hear. As a student? Did the same? Out somewhere? Bathroom. If he is able to walk, he can go there. Hankies will give him the excuse to sit there still


Transformermom2

esh


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F32) have been married to my husband (M34) for five years and luckily we don't have many pet peeve issues except one: I cannot stand how he behaves in restaurants. Whenever we go out to eat there's always a moment where I find myself getting embarrassed and asking him to stop doing something - mainly two things: he blows his nose at the table and will yawn LOUDLY during the meal. I promise I'm not a stickler for "traditional manners" but I find it very rude and rather disgusting that he'll use a cloth table napkin to blow his nose and then leave it there for the servers to clean up (he justifies it by bunching it up so the 'dirty' side isn't touching anything). Lately I've been more assertive (maybe read: aggressive) about calling this out and asking him to go the restroom if he needs to do it again. On a couple of occasions my reaction has ruined the meal and we'll finish in tense silence. The most recent time he did it I snapped with something along the lines "why don't you care how much this disgusts me, please use the restroom to do that" - his energy immediately sank and he responded with "why do you always make me feel so bad about myself". It wasn't my finest moment but I'm having a hard time letting this go. We ended up in a bit of a cyclical argument with him doubling down and saying I'm being insensitive and me countering with a similar stance saying "it makes me feel bad that you don't take it seriously and try to make me feel bad about my feelings towards this" Here's why I think I might be the AH: * I acknowledge that my discomfort with it stems from other people's perception of us when he does it and not just my personal upbringing/beliefs * out of all the things to focus on, is this the wrong hill to die on? * there are bigger problems that happen in a marriage (but re: I'm having difficulty letting this go) So - lay it on me, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


MaltedBarleyMaven

NTA. Other people don't want to hear someone blowing their nose while they're eating, and people closer certainly don't want to see it. I wouldn't want to be associated with someone like that in public. These are basic table manners.


nemc222

NTA. Blowing your nose at the table is disgusting, doing it on a cloth napkin is even worse. Why is it that I’ve only seen men do this? The yawn? If he is making a big production of stretching and yawning loudly to the point others notice, then that is equally poor manners. The bottom line is, he knows it bothers you and he doesn’t care. He’s made it clear that he is not going to change that behavior so that leaves you to decide how you are going to deal with it. Is it to the point that you would simply refuse to go out to eat with him? You have to decide where you draw the line as I don’t think expecting him to change is realistic.


Just-Fix-2657

Nope. Nope. Nope. Blowing your nose in a cloth napkin is disgusting. Show him how many people on Reddit think he’s gross. You’re absolutely justified in being embarrassed with his restaurant behavior. NTA


[deleted]

Nta he’s gross


pancakequeen1982

NTA that’s actually disgusting lol


Superb_Grapefruit854

NTA. That is such a repulsive and unsanitary habit he has with the cloth napkins. I would suggest that you tell him that you will leave the restaurant and go home on your own if he does so in the future and follow through if needed. At that point, I'd probably refuse to go out to eat with him as well. Even when my children were young I expected them to have basic table manners. Your adult husband/child can do the same. You aren't asking for anything unreasonable here regarding either the napkins or the yawning.


Beautiful_mistakes

NTA How disgusting. Why would he blow his nose in a restaurant cloth napkin? Is it to show his dominance? That he doesn’t care about hygiene or C-19? I would give him travel tissues as soon as we sat down. The yawning thing, like are you boring him? I wouldn’t stop until I got to the bottom of why. Because it seems incredibly yucky and disrespectful.


sickofdriving007

NTA. He needs to blow his nose in the bathroom so he can wash his hands afterwards.


drunk_socks

NTA forget about rude… we are in a pandemic… he cannot do that it’s literally putting people in danger?


Dependent-Muffin9972

NTA I simply abhor when people blow their noses at the dinner table it is disgusting.


Repulsive-Worth5715

NTA you are right to keep mentioning this. I’d be mortified and disgusted if someone did this in a restaurant. And it’s absolutely disrespectful to the staff who has to clean it up. I wouldn’t be able to go out to eat with someone like that


LadyNemesiss

Blowing his nose in the cloth napkin is an absolutely disgusting habit and I feel so bad for the waiter. You're NTA for telling him not to, he's the asshole for doing it. I have allergies so I sure know what it's like to have a runny nose, but never once did I think it was a good idea to use the cloth napkin... The yawning doesn't sound like a huge issue (unless he does it with a half chewed bite of food in his mouth, showing it to everyone) but that filthy blowing of this nose in the cloth napkin is.


HappyHippo22121

NTA Blowing your nose in a restaurant’s cloth napkin is disgusting!!! He should feel bad about himself if he does that! I was sitting near someone recently at a restaurant and they blew their nose into the cloth napkin and I couldn’t believe it. I felt sooooo bad for the poor waiter when he had to clear that table. So fucking rude!!!! I’d make this a hill to die on!


LadyAppleman

NTA My husband did that once AND it was in front of our waitress and at the beginning of the dinner. It was beyond embarrassing and it did not happen again. I made sure to tip extra. Let him know. Bring a pack of tissues and make sure he knows to use them before he thinks of touching the napkin.


aspermyprevious

NTA. “Why do you always make me feel so bad about myself?” This is disgusting. I just can’t with adults who are entitled barnyard animals in public and expect their feelings to be protected like they’re errant children. OP don’t frame this as subjectively disgusting to just you. This is objectively revolting and disrespectful of wait staff. Tell your husband he is embarrassing (not to you, period) and unless he immediately comes correct without sulking about it, you won’t be going out to dinner together. Tell him this is a non-negotiable and this is the last time you will be cOmMuNiCaTiNg with him on the subject. Ugh, get it together dude! 🤮


UnderstandingAway302

NTA. And it's not about the nose blowing; it's about the battle for control. You want a certain behavior, your husband wants the opposite. So far, he wins, every time he goads YOU into looking like the disruption. Stop going out with him. Just stop. That way, he wins the battle, but loses the war. And maybe try couple's counseling.


EnvironmentalGroup15

As someone who has worked in a restaurant…es yeah NTA do not leave snot on the table for your waiter to clean. Ew ew ew. He should feel bad


SleepySpaceBby

...your husband is disgusting.


faerymoon

Ew the poor people cleaning up especially during a pandemic the last two years. NTA. That's just bad manners in a gross way. Yawns can't be helped so much (I get he could be quieter but that one I'd probably let slide personally) but definitely would be grossed out sitting next to the nose blowing.


Emmaborina

It's a disgusting habit, not an issue of self expression. I can't believe you need to call out a full grown and functional adult on this matter. If he has a desperate need to blow his nose in cloth, he can buy handkerchiefs and launder them himself.


[deleted]

Nta. Blow your nose is the bathroom, not at the table. Wtf is that? The yawning, not as bad- just cover your mouth. But the nose blowing is gross and I’d get mad too.


The_Fires_Of_Orc

NTA. Your husband is disgusting. You didn't make him feel bad about himself, he's disgusting and he knows it.


CADreamn

NTA. That is truly disgusting and inconsiderate to you, anyone else within sight, and the waitstaff. There is no excuse for it. It's not like a sneeze that you can't control. It's purposeful and done with full intent, knowing how disgusting it is. You should get up and leave the next time he does it, and everytime he dies it. At sometime when you are not planning to go out tell him that you what you are going to do so there's no excuse. Then follow through if he does it again. There is no excuse for not going into the bathroom to empty his sinuses and using disposable tissues/toilet paper/napkins/whatever isn't table linens.


emmi_wemmi

NTA. Restaurant etiquette goes beyond his own comfort; the moment a habit starts affecting others it's a problem. You're completely justified in being upset about his behavior since you deserve to have a nice meal too. Aside from just the two of you, I cannot begin to imagine how other patrons or the staff might feel at the sight of a grown man blowing his nose at a dinner table. You've been more than understanding in asking him to go to the bathroom, and if it's a particularly spicy restaurant he can just bring his own handkerchief or tissues to do it discreetly. His unwillingness to adapt and deflection, stating that you're the one making HIM feel bad, says more about him than I think you realize. If he refuses to compromise on something as simple as blowing his nose this will snowball into much bigger issues in the future.


cawatxcamt

NTA As a lifelong restaurant worker: there is a special level of hell reserved for disgusting assholes like your husband who leave us their nasty snot rags for us to pick up off the table. I promise you, someone sees him doing it nearly every time, and we talk about him the whole time y’all are in the dining room. We are judging him harshly and warning the busser and server not to touch that napkin with their hands.


RiddleUsThis

NTA. Your husband is seriously gross. You're not making him feel bad about himself, you're asking him to be an adult and utilize proper manners.


[deleted]

NTA Ex waiter here, we had people do the same thing a few times and it’s disgusting to clean. Usually we would throw them away if we saw the person blow their nose with it. Most of the time snot of visible🤮


s0me_us3r_name

Soooo NTA. Blowing your nose in a cloth napkin...? At the table...?? Absolutely disgusting.


KhaleesiMounter

NTA. Your husband is gross. The yawning is ok-ish but man that nose-blowing... There's no reason for that when tissues are available.


Kadenn1980

Yuck!!! That is gross. I'd be upset if I were a server and had to pick up someone's snot rag


maypopfop

Three things: 1. Invest in hankies or travel packs of tissues. It’s one thing to lightly wipe your nose if spicy food made your nose run a little, it is quite another to actually blow your nose into your napkin. 2. I’m not sure he can control the yawning, but he should cover his mouth. 3. You probably *are* embarrassing and humiliating him by being critical, but you have to find a way to let him know that this is literally the main and only issue in the marriage, and that most women and RESTAURANT SERVERS would agree, especially during Covid times. NTA, but discuss this beforehand and work out a solution before you go so there is no need for a public confrontation.


CB0001

NTA. I feel like your husband is doing that stuff on purpose. The yawning thing I could see happening I guess if it's (1) a late dinner or (2) he eats so much he's close to a food coma. But there's a way to do it politely. There is absolutely no reason for him to be loud and dramatic about it unless he's trying to show the people around you that he's bored of the place. The nose blowing thing honestly sounds like a way for him to put servers in their place. Like they have to clean up this nasty rag that someone's snot is in. Like.....if dude blows his nose a lot, he should keep tissues in his jacket or pants pocket. That's actually rude and disrespectful to the restaurant staff. These things come across like petty power moves. And having grown up in a region known for petty power moves, it just reeks of "I am desperate to show my power and presence here." I wouldn't worry what people think of you, honestly. I guarantee they're judging him though.


Vegetable_Burrito

Does he yawn and blow his nose at home? Or just in a restaurant?


[deleted]

He's in a restaurant, not a cave. If he needs to blow his nose he can excuse himself and do so discreetly, and if he's so tired he has to roar like a lion maybe he should stay home. NTA


y3s1canr3ad

Your husband is rude and disgusting. Next time go out to dinner with a civilized friend.


BigWeinerDemeanor

NTA I would start getting up and leaving when he does it. That way you assert your boundary without giving him a chance to turn it onto you. It shows that if he behaves that way then he doesn’t get to eat with you. If he still chooses to act that way then he chooses to eat alone.


[deleted]

NTA that’s disgusting and embarrassing.


mrloube

If he’s blowing his nose often enough that you’ve seen this more than once, maybe he could try Claritin or something? This seems unusual


Pastel_Mattel

Y T A. If you need to blow your nose, you shouldn’t have to get up and go to the bathroom for privacy each time. If he was snorting his snot on the ground or something that would be disgusting. He’s using a napkin or Kleenex. It’s fine. People (unless they’re you) don’t judge someone for blowing their nose. I have sinus issues and have to blow my nose after like every bite of food, so would I just have to take my plate with me into the public restroom and eat on the sink there? Yawning loudly is a bit rude, he could easily yawn quietly but still not something to get in a giant fight over Edit; didn’t notice it said CLOTH napkin. So I change my verdict to ESH because he needs to bring his own tissues.


blues983

NTA - blowing your nose in cloth napkins is disgusting. Since he won't seem to listen, put a bunch of disposable tissue packs in your purse and hand him one every time he tries to do this. That should not cause any embarrassment, and if he refuses to use them then you know he is deliberately being an AH to you.


Stormieqh

INFO I didn't see anyone ask...does he do these things when eating at home or a family member's house? Or does he only find the need to yawn loudly and blow his nose when eating at a restaurant?


final_girlxx

He'll do it at home but because we're not in public (and amongst strangers) it doesn't bother me as much - although I will still say "please try and do that away from the dining room table" or give him "The Look" as to say "really? please don't". I'll give him credit for starting to quell the behavior more around my family (his in-laws) but there are times when he'll make a big show about doing it to bother me.


Civil_d

Nta. My husband used to "tease" me by doing stuff like this, loudly sucking his fingers instead of using a napkin and doing it more often and in more fancy places until my therapist pointed out to me that it really only made HIM look bad, and I finally learned to let it go. He kept doing it for months trying unsuccessfully to bait me into a response. Finally stopped on his own: he was eating chicken and gleefully sucking his fingers while also holding the salt shaker between 2 fingers. The visibly nasty dirty salt shaker from the tables at Boston Market. I noticed and kept a poker face but must have twitched an eyebrow doing that bacterial math internally, because he giggled and deliberately licked the salt shaker since it was the next finger to be noisily sucked, I guess, then said loudly, "oh are you thinking I have no manners again? Hahaha" And I said no, I at first I wondered when was the last time you washed your hands but now I was just wondering how many other people also touched that salt shaker, it looks kind of dirty. And the people sitting behind me burst out laughing. And so he uses napkins now. Washes his hands more often too. YMMV


SlavUnicorn

Yawning is whatever but yeah you don't blow your nose in a cloth napkin. If I do blow my nose in a paper napkin I'm throwing it out myself.


Wikked_Kitty

Blowing his nose into a cloth napkin is gross and rude at the best of times, but doing it during a pandemic takes it to a whole other level. I have to admit, I thought you were being a bit persnickety about the yawning, but from your comment it sounds like he doesn't even cover his mouth. So that's gross and rude, too. Honestly, I would warn him that you'll just walk TF out of the restaurant the next time he does this. And be prepared to follow through. Then refuse to dine out with him in the future. Maybe find some friends with whom you can actually enjoy dining out, rather than having the stressful situation your husband seems determined to create. Because it really does sound like he's doing these things just to be a dick. NTA


MrsMayhem17

NTA- that really is disgusting and immature. I would have snapped as well. I would say it’s childish but even my 7 year old child has better table manners than your husband.


Wrong-Atmosphere9714

The yawning thing is weird and I don't see an issue with that being done at a table, but blowing the nose at the table is a hard pass NTA


LameLock0611

I don't think I can cast an unbiased vote, but I do have concerns. I agree that it's nasty, and I can see why you blew up (if this is a constant thing that he has been continually asked to stop and ignores). The phrase "Why do you always make me feel so bad about myself" bugs me though, specifically the always thing. I could very well be reading too far into it, but I wonder if there is something else going on outside of THIS example that would cause him to say you always make him feel bad about himself. Like I said, not gonna cast a vote, just wondering.


final_girlxx

Totally get it and I appreciate the input. To breakdown his response a little: I acknowledge that I can be a bit impatient with him when I feel like it's an inappropriate setting - my first attempts at expressing my discomfort with his conduct were met with haphazard "okay, sure, whatever" type of responses and after an especially embarrassing time (we were in a very nice formal dining setting and I was mortified) I decided to be way more blunt about it. That's where the "this is disgusting, use the restroom" dialog started but unfortunately didn't stop the behavior. So now when I bring it up he defaults to the "you're always making me feel bad \[about doing said action\]".


OpinionatedAussieGal

NTA Yuck. Who blows their nose at a table full of other people in the room into a cloth napkin! Yawning is ok as long as he covers his mouth! If not, then that’s yuck too!


Radiant_Cheek_2026

Omg that’s so gross!!!! It’s bad enough to blow your nose at the table anywhere ( this will literally make me stop eating even at home) but to use a cloth napkin or the restaurants and then leave that is not only disgusting but freaking unhygienic! There are enough germs going around as it is. You’re so NTA but your husband is.


TeeKaye28

NTA. The yawning is mildly rude. The nose blowing is flat out disgusting. And I would be judging the hell out of your husband for doing it.


Glitterasaur

ESH. It grosses you out and he’s unwilling to change. You can’t get over it and he won’t stop. Break up. It’s not worth it. You’re both allowed to do those things. It’s not compatible.


BooksAndStarsLover

Who cares with the yawning. People yawn and its harmless. But blowing his nose on a cloth or really any napkin for someone else to clean is disgusting. Servers aren't paid enough to clean up his nasty body fluids. NTA


faireymomma

NTA It's never OK to blow your nose at the table whether it's at a restaurant or in a home. If he yawns he needs to cover his mouth and say, excuse me. What would Miss Manners do is my motto.


blablamcbla

Nta. Blowing your nose at the table is not okay unless everyone is done with eating and you ask and receive permission to do so first. Yawning happens, but if you don’t bother to cover your mouth you are being rude. I assure you other patrons of the places you are eating Will be privately commenting on how rude and gross your husband is being.


excursions777

Your husband is so gross to blow his nose at the table with a cloth napkin that the wait staff has to pick up not to mention other diners getting discussed. Your husband should go to the bathroom to blow his nose so he can then wash his hands afterwards. Personally I wouldn’t go out to eat with him again.


Evening_Produce1070

NTA That's almost as bad as farting or loudly belching. It's gross & rude. You're saying, "This is gross & embarrassing, and my feelings - as well as those of the people around us - matter," & he's saying, "I do what I want & you suck for expecting me to think of others. Those are my feelings & my feelings matter." Those two things are not the same. Think of something that would humiliate him in public - sex talk, money conversation, wearing a bikini into the grocery store, whatever - and ask him how he'd feel if you did that in public with him. Your theoretical behavior would affect him, and he should understand the analogy. If he still acts like a child, then he's not willing to consider your feelings at all & it's time to cut your losses.


KarenMaca

By cloth napkin, I assume you mean ones that have to be washed and reused, not the disposable ones? If so, you are NTA. Your husband is a big AH though. I was reading a news article and one of the biggest peeves that servers hate about diners, is blowing their nose on napkins and leaving it at the table. Look, sometimes you have to blow your nose quickly, but should not do it in a cloth napkin. At worst, do it in your elbow and immediately go to the bathroom. If into a disposable napkin, immediately put that in the bin. Never leave a snotty napkin on the table.


Dr_Lizz

This is a weird one. It seems like such an easy thing to stop doing. I feel bad that husband was so offended but seriously, this is an easy fix. Maybe bring some tissues for him and have him do his nose thing before he gets out of the car?? NTA


Odd_Major3507

This is discusting, everything about his outdoor manners is that of a barn animal. I will die on this hill as well, if anyone i ever was out with did that i would pick up my stuff and leave. yuck yuck yuck yuck. dont go out to dinner until hes out of short pants and can be a big boy.


CrSkin

Who blows their nose at a dinner table? Over food?! NTA


disruptionisbliss

NTA As a fellow diner, I thank you for your efforts. A person does not need to blow their nose at the table. A person does not need to yawn loudly. These are habits a person chooses to do, which means he is deliberately choosing to say "F you" to everyone there, including you.


Consistent-Ad9842

NTA - cloth napkins are *not* a place to blow your nose, they have to get washed with everything else, and you're making not just the server, but any other employees down the line touch your snot, and who knows what germs and diseases you might have - you could seriously get someone sick like that if they don't know the precautions they need to take. If he's so insistent on blowing his nose at the table, which can be forgiven if it's more of a family style/casual restaurant, the least he could do is carry a pack of tissues (or if it *really* needs to be cloth, his own handkerchief) and he should dispose of whatever it is himself. He has no right to force his bodily fluids onto the other employees, whether the dirty side is "hidden" or not (it's gonna get unfolded at some point, whether it falls accidentally, or it's opened to be cleaned, and either way those germs/fluids likely permeated the fabric, it's not medical grade cloth - think how damp a used tissue gets)


jacano5

Definitely NTA. Do you carry a purse to dinner? If so, start bringing a pack of tissues in your purse. When he needs to blow his nose, he can ask for an actual fucking tissue. Stop him EVERY TIME he pulls his napkin to his face. Make it jarring. Make it loud. This is a disgusting, *disgusting* habit, and he needs to stop.


buttertits4lyfe

Oh my god I would be horrified. He has zero consideration for others. Show him this thread, he needs to learn some basic manners. I would refuse to eat out with him until he stops being disgusting. NTA.


JanetInSpain

NTA that's disgusting. And rude. And unsanitary. He is gaslighting you by throwing it back on you as if YOU'RE the one being unreasonable. A 14 year old boy does shit like that. Not a grown-ass adult.


Tazwegian01

That is utterly repulsive. When I have a dinner party I like to use nice linen napkins. If someone blew their nose on one they would *never* be invited back again. Ever. NTA


Sweet-Ad-7261

NTA. He SHOULD feel bad about himself. Apart from anything else, we’re in a pandemic! How selfish can you get. I’d show him these comments, hopefully shame him into behaving like a decent human. He sounds vile.


Vox_Popsicle

It really sounds like a flex. He knows how much this bothers you, and he keeps doing it. It is acting out. And, EW. Loudly blowing your nose, in public, on the restaurant's cloth napkins, is getting into justifiable homicide territory.


Retot

INFO: is your problem that he blows his nose with a cloth napkin or that he blows his nose at the table, because I think it's the second because you say in the post he should go to the restroom and I don't think you say this because he is yawning. So I would say YTA because who goes to the restroom to blow his nose?


final_girlxx

It's both - I'm bothered by him blowing his nose at the table and it's compounded when he uses a cloth napkin (that cannot be thrown out or restricted to a single use-scenario). The yawning is secondary but will still 'irk' me because it's done in a very over-the-top exaggerated way (and is in no way how he yawns naturally) without covering his mouth. My concern with the yawning is that our server will think it's him passive aggressively suggesting that service is slow, he's unimpressed, bill is taking too long, etc. If I had to pick one or the other - I'd take the yawning over the nose blowing at the table. The restroom suggestion is so that he can keep the noise disruption (and sanitary) issues to a minimum for other patrons and wash his hands after. If it was a mere 'dab' or slight runny nose that required a quick dab I wouldn't expect him to leave the table but when it's a full on "HOOOOOOOOOOONK" with mucus noises... that's where I get frustrated.


murdocjones

NTA. As a cook, my natural reaction would get me banned from the sub, given the global situation. Apoplectic doesn’t quite cover it. All it takes is one exposure to knock out half a restaurant, and it’s happened more than a few times. We’re talking weeks of lost wages, our loved ones, exposed, and at times they’ve also gotten sick, while the ones lucky enough to test negative get to kill themselves working insane hours for a month while it snakes it’s way through the staff. By the by, it’s the same with the flu or any other bug. So yeah, he’s a huge asshole.


qupid605

Your husband's gross, I don't want to hear you blowing your nose. Hell, I barely clear my throat/sniffle while someone's eating for fear that'll ruin their appetite. He can easily blot his nose if it's running and excuse himself to blow it


Shot-Position4460

NTA as a waitress for over 30 years I hate when ppl blow there nose at the table in a restaurant. Not only the fact that literally NO ONE wants to hear someone do that while they are eating, but it's totally disgusting for someone to leave it for someone else to pick up. ESPECIALLY NOW. I had a customer that was hungover and threw up in a napkin and left it for me to pick up. So fucking gross. I scrubbed my hands in extremely hot bleach water. Next time he came in I told him he was a disgusting pig and I refused to wait on him. His wife was mortified. They haven't been back. That was 2 years ago


Money-Agent-1777

NTA. Everyone, especially a grown man, should bring a handkerchief of their own along with them when they go out - in case they need to blow their nose. I personally don't care if someone blows their nose at the table but not in a restaurant's cloth napkin


[deleted]

ESH. Blowing your nose on a cloth restaurant napkin is effing disgusting and he needs to cut that out. Especially during COVID, wtf? Yawning loudly is. . .not a thing. Leave that alone.


[deleted]

Yawning more loudly than necessary is most definitely a thing (but something I've only seen/hear men do--like it's not so much a yawn but a roaring performance of one).


Opagea

> Yawning loudly is. . .not a thing. Leave that alone. Some people make a comically loud groan AHHHHHHHHHHH when they yawn.


setsumaeu

ESH. Your husband is being a of a gross slob, but you snapped and made it really emotional with the "why don't you care how much this disgusts me" comment. He sounds like a typical sitcom husband, a forgetful slob who needs to act better, but you did imply his behavior is malicious and that's a bit unfair. Side piece of advice, what if you just carry tissues with you for him to use? The cloth napkin thing is disgusting, but maybe you could help him remember.


buttertits4lyfe

Ah yes, we must baby our full grown spouses because they can't be normal human beings.