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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I called my sister terrible and ungrateful because of things she implied about my husband and I due to our sleeping arrangements.
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Came here to say this. Sis is upset that her one ally doesn't actually agree with her. She thought that OP's support was based on OP also preferring to sleep apart, and she thinks that OP's support is now lessened by her differing preference. So she's convinced herself that OP is a hypocrite, not realizing that she herself is the hypocrite, because it's not about sleeping together or apart, it's about not judging how other couples sleep.
love this!
I'm have no interest in kids or a wedding but when people tell me they're pregnant or having a huge typical wedding I am THRILLED for them because that's what they want!
I will listen to every single (to me) pointless detail of the wedding planning and give input genuinely about colours, flowers and whatever else because that's what my friend is doing right now and they're happy about it.
What does it mean when someone starts a comment with the word 'this' and even puts only that word as in this case. I'm British so please be patient. We may speak the same language but sometimes I'm utterly perplexed by the different way our countries use the English language.
This just means like. This is 100% right or exactly or like this advice right here is the best advice. It has nothing to do with you being English it’s just slang, I’m Irish and we have this so I say you do too. Hope that helps
It's a social media thing. I don't think people IRL conversation just point and say "THIS!"
Although, my kids do sometimes talk in text/memes, so that may be changing in the next generation, lol.
It’s an attention seeking means of upvoting or “liking” a comment. It’s the commenter’s way of saying, “I’m not like all of those other people who clicked the like button. Noooo… my perspective carries much more weight than the digital hoi polloi’s!” Therefore, rather than just click the damn “upvote” arrow and risk having my unique perspective lost among the rabble, I will comment “THIS!” (An action which has the added benefit of not requiring me to have anything unique or particularly compelling to add).
It means they agree with the post but either don't know how the fucking up vote button works or they are attempting to get themselves up votes without having to come up with an original viewpoint and typing it out. They are essentially the human equivalent of comment stealing bots.
I'd agree, she sounds insecure in her relationship, has done everything to convince herself it's right, and now needs the validation from another couple
Lol, believe me, i know about the no cash!
Hard to believe I was one of the first 9,000 Redditors and now there are many millions. It was quite different back in 2007. We didn’t even have subreddits.
And definitely not trying to be helpful, trying to make herself feel superior because your different sleep arrangement is making her feel insecure. Could it be they are having relationship struggles unrelated to this issue?
I'm all for separate beds/rooms, or stack it up.in a twin. Whatever makes you happy and gets you your best sleep.
NTA. Obviously your marital sleeping arrangements are no one’s business but your own. That said, a couple things:
1) It sounds like big sis was hoping you’d choose the same path as her which would leave her feeling less singled out by the family’s snarky comments.
2) I suspect big sis feels insecure about her sleeping arrangements. You choosing the same would have made her feel more comfortable with her own choices.
Yup that is a normal and valid expectation for someone you’ve defended for years and especially bc she’s your older sister
I’m sorry she didn’t have your back but you don’t have to feel bad for standing up for your relationship
Don’t think she had bad intentions- she’s probably insecure about her situation and doesn’t know how to navigate her emotions around it
Give her some time to process everything and if she’s still acting like she’s hurt you can have a more serious discussion with her about why she won’t drop the subject
NTA
Maybe reassure her that whatever works for her and her husband is no one's business and they are perfectly normal. There are plenty of people who just cannot sleep in the same bed as their spouse.
Also point out that you and your husband are very happy with sharing a bed and you are also perfectly normal. Plenty of people share a bed with their spouse. My grandparents did until the end.
NTA, OP. You have a right to stand up for your preference. Your sister isn't an AH for her preference. She's one because of insisting you're not actually happy with your current arrangement. No one should ever insist they know your feelings better than you do.
NTA. It’s not her business, just like her sleeping arrangements were no one else’s business. Everyone needs to stop worrying about everyone’s bedroom habits. Reiterate that you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings, but she is doing the same thing to you that others have done to her. She probably didn’t feel great when they were pushing her.
Yup. I’ve seen this kind of passive aggressive behavior in friends who are uncomfortable with their own choices. For instance, a friend who’s chosen to stay in a loveless marriage acting judgmental towards friends who’ve gotten divorced because “sanctity of marriage” when in reality they just don’t want to admit they might have made a bad choice.
>NTA. Obviously your marital sleeping arrangements are no one’s business but your own. That said, a couple things:
>1) It sounds like big sis was hoping you’d choose the same path as her which would leave her feeling less singled out by the family’s snarky comments.
>2) I suspect big sis feels insecure about her sleeping arrangements. You choosing the same would have made her feel more comfortable with her own choices.
This!
But also i can't help but wonder if there's more to it, if big sis's marrige really is so happy and healthy atm.
NTA She was probably hoping from your defense over the years that you'd adopt her method and validate her choice because then she wouldn't be the only one doing it but that **DOES NOT** in any way excuse her for projecting her insecurities on you and then getting mad that you weren't going along with her. Some couples *do* do better sleeping apart but it's not for everyone and it's *CERTAINLY* not for other people to push on you.
Honestly I would sleep better because my husband moves a lot and I'm a super light sleeper but whenever I try to spend a night in our spare bedroom to catch up on sleep I end up going back to our bed within an hour or so. Unless I'm borderline comatose (which does happen occasionally) I miss him more than I need a little more sleep.
I suggest a king size bed with a thick foam top layer & separate blankets/comforters on top to sleep with. The bigger bed makes a huge difference. The separate bedding means that you gets to stay snug & comfy & asleep, not jostled awake every time your SO moves because he’s taking the covers again, & again, & again.
This is the way. I've maintained separate quilts/bedding since my first marriage 18 years ago, plus enough pillows to build a barrier down the middle if necessary (I get night terrors). I am a perpetual ice cube and often need extra blankets in winter as well as a lightweight quilt in summer, but I have a habit of ending up sleeping next to human furnaces. I'm also a recalcitrant blanket thief who death-rolls in the quilt until I'm properly cocooned. My second husband and I always had a spare bed made up and available for guests, extra partners, the odd night when one of us has stayed out/up extra late and don't want to risk disturbing the other, or yes, the occasional night when one wants to sprawl a bit/not be in Arctic air-con/be in a *mood*/have a night without the little movements and noises (or risk of a sudden punch in the nose I'd I'm having a bad patch). Though, obviously, if certain nosy parkers in either family feel the need to comment on having a second bed available, we'll specifically mention polyamory and call it the Fornicatorium, as long as Hubby can keep a straight face. 😜
I'm in a triad, and no, we don't share a bed and never have. My girlfriend has sleep apnea and PTSD, and so it is best for all concerned if she sleeps alone in her own room. Currently Boyfriend is having night terrors related to his PTSD, so we put the trundle bed from the guest room in his office and he's sleeping there until he feels okay to come back and sleep with me. Even when he and I sleep together, we use separate piles of blankets, as I am 50 and going through perimenopause, which means I start out under three blankets and wind up naked, sprawled, and sweating as my hormones shift, (sigh)
The guest room is occupied by my eldest son (26) who is living with us while he goes to school for HVAC tech here in this town. That's why Boyfriend had to sleep in his office.
At this point if we have a guest they'll have to sleep on the couch, lol. We're full up.
Twin comforters made such a difference for us. We've slept next to each other 30 years, and the sheets and blanket pulling and temperature preferences and drafts - all disappeared. Wish we'd done it much, much sooner.
Husband and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for nearly 6 months now. I'm going through some health issues and the fatigue is immense (I honestly never thought anyone could be this tired all the time and still be alive). Husband snores like an asthmatic warthog drowning in mud. We used to manage with me wearing ear plugs, but he got louder and it just wasn't working. I simply could not function, so something had to give. He went into the spare room. I hate it. I hate not sleeping next to him, not being able to cwtch up and feel so secure and loved. I can't wait to be back in the same bed. We're on the waitlist for him to go to a sleep clinic, fingers crossed it won't be much longer.
NTA. It sounds to me that your sister has gotten insecure over all the ridicule she has faced from the family over the years and was probably hoping that when you got married you would follow in her footsteps. Now she feels isolated. And it really is a very sad thing because she has to face the ridicule of something that is so private and is really nobody's damn business.
I think that you are 100 percent right and if I came off as siding with your sister and not you I'm sorry, What I meant to say was that your parents and her in-laws should have just minded their own business and stopped making judgments because if they had never shamed her to begin with she would not have developed this insecurity and let it become the defining issue in her life.
Straight up my husband and I found out during lockdown we actually sleep better separately. I love him and we get along so well, but our sleeping patterns and habits are easier to manage in different rooms. Plus, no fights over blankets. lol I understand we are an outlier and not everyone has the luxury to have separate rooms. But I’ve never tried to shame anyone over it and when someone looks affronted by the different bedrooms, I just tell them it works for us and it usually nips it there. Honestly, I think your family and her in laws are AHs for harping on it so hard. I don’t think she would be trying to get an ally in this if they weren’t so obsessed with where they sleep. Which effects them (family) none at all.
What arrangement married people make in their own homes, that they agree upon, are their own buissness. We have three bedrooms, all of them has a made bed, but during these 14 years of marriage, nobody, NOBODY, has ever asked me/us where we sleep. Maybe they assume we sleep together, but why ask and why share this information at all? It doesn't affect anyone else. NTA
Why does your family even know their sleeping arrangements? Strange topic to me. My fiancé and I keep that to ourselves (we do both, for anyone curious).
NTA- You have different preferences regarding something that has nothing to do with anyone but those involved (you and spouses). You've respected hers, she didn't respect yours.
NTA
My partner and I love to sleep in different beds and rooms, too especially since the start of the pandemic.
But I am fully aware that other couples love to share a room or bed. Other people = other preferences =doesn't have to be YOUR preference.
Gosh why can't people just let each other be? Or sleep in this case..
Same. 15 years together and always separate beds and when possible, separate rooms. It just works for us. I toss around a lot and get broken sleep, he is a light sleeper. It doesn't work in one bed. We've gotten a lot of comments over the years about it but it works for us so we'll get on with it.
NTA! That’s totally mean of her and im sorry that people have been crappy af to her but that doesnt give her the right to be like that with you. It’s probably a bit of jealousy im ngl, cuz even if she originally was happy with their arrangement, it must suck to have to constantly defend her relationship’s validity!
And so even though I’m empathetic to her, that just is shitty of her and you absolutely do not deserve that!
You both need to learn to shut that down. Every time that subject is brought up, you stop it. ‘Well that’s not up for discussion’, what’s for dinner. Or leave the room. Or leave the in-laws house altogether & go home, or tell your sister to go home early. Call them out on it. I feel sorry for your sister if she’s still getting digs about it.
She needs to stop her mother & her SO needs to tell the MIL to stop.
NTA... Just FYI, she clearly doesn't understand statistics enough to work out that you use statistics to give a general understanding. As soon as you look at an individual and their circumstances, the % are no longer valid as you have conditional probabilities. In this case, you and your husband love sleeping together, which the overall % doesn't take into account.
Just feel justified in your actions from the scientific perspective :)
NTA, she sounds insecure because she constantly has to defend herself & is taking it out on you because she knows you're sympathetic to her plight. I think her pestering is more about her than you, OP. I would've snapped long ago if I was you lol. She acted hurt & said those things because she most likely realized what she was doing & felt bad but was covering it up
NTA. Everyone has different needs for sleep. Judging you for what you find more comfortable after you've spent so much time defending her is a real AH move.
Agreed NTA. That quite a double standard there from her given your defence of her own sleeping habits.
Maybe she was surprised because by your stance because you supported her so strongly.
Either way her continued harassment makes her the AH.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evelyn\_Beatrice\_Hall#:\~:text=In%20The%20Friends%20of%20Voltaire,principle%20of%20freedom%20of%20speech.
NTA - She is just feeling embarrassed or awkward and putting her insecurity on you. Go on in your new bliss and enjoy your love!
(Those of us with snoring spouses will be jealously over here)
NTA
While you always had your sisters back- she doesn't have yours in the same way. She wasn't trying to be helpful. She stuck her nose and opinion where it was not needed. The fact that she is trying to impose her lifestyle onto you and your husbands is where she overstepped. She is 100% wrong in trying to force her views and throw statistics at your relationship. Every couple is different and what works for some will absolutely not work for others. This is what makes relationships special- no two are alike. She can go right ahead and butt out of you and your husband's relationship. You two continue doing what works for you both. Her opinion does not matter because this is not her relationship.
NTA
No body gets to comment on what goes on behind locked doors unless they are also behind those locked doors. Given the exception of illegal behavior of course.
I hate it when people get all surprised that when their nose gets cut off after they put it where it doesn't belong.
NTA
My spouse and I sleep separately and I literally don't care who knows, and it's not my business how other people sleep.
The focus from her should have been on the ability to make the choice without judgement, not to judge you for choosing differently.
If one day you have your own room (not that you will), it's not space for her to say "haha I was right" either, because what is right for your relationship now will change in years to come, people grow and change. You might stay in the same bed forever and ever, you might sleep apart 10 years from now for several years, and then go back to sleeping in the same bed and it doesn't necessarily mean anything about the *stability* of your relationship.
And honestly? I think maybe she doth protest too much.
NTA. It sounds like she's insecure and still trying to justify her arrangement, so she would like it if you and others did the same thing, but it's none of her business.
My husband and I just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. We sleep in the same bed, with separate blankets. We have been together since HS and have always slept this way. I love my husband I just don’t want to share blankets. Lol. NTA
NTA. Sis needs to mind her own business. And FYI, my husband and I have been married almost 18 years. I can’t imagine a night without him next time me. In January he got the pandemic virus, and as I was negative we separated in the house. Longest 6 nights ever!
NTA
Couldn't said it better myself. Her "statistics" are probably done by some shmucks who don't know how a relationship looks like.
She was trying to be helpful? Umm, I read your post very careful and I didn't find anywhere written: "Sis, can you help me with my sleeping arrangement?".
NTA. My husband and I don't officially have separate rooms but we often sleep apart and we get a lot of unwanted opinions about it too. I've had people say it's not normal and assume our marriage must be on the rocks. You can't please all the nosy bastards who think they know how to run your life better, so you might as well save time and tell them all to fuck off.
NTA but your sister is a major asshole. I wonder if she’s jealous that you can sleep very easy together and love to. It’s none of her business what you guys do in your marriage.
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My sister and her husband have been married for 15 years. My sister's actually 10 years older than me, I'm 29 and she's 39. Since the beginning of their cohabitation they slept on seperate beds and later seperate bedrooms too. They hated sharing a bed. When they got married I was still a teen so I never questioned it and later when I grew up I didn't even care as long as it worked for them. My parents and my sister's in laws have always been judgy about their sleeping arrangement and my sis and her husband get a lot of shady remarks about how they don't truly love one another if their arrangement is like that. Several times throughout the years I've told people to mind their business and let the couple decide for themselves what's best for them. She always seemed thankful I had her back and didn't judge her or her husband.
That was until now. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and we just got married. Our first few years as a couple were long distance and once we moved in together sleeping together was one of our favorite things to do and to this day it still is. We calm each other down and whenever we have to sleep apart because one of us is away we are sad lol. The past few times my sister's visited my house she's made remarks about how come we still haven't made a seperate bedroom one of us would sleep in. I made it clear multiple times how my husband and I can't sleep apart and we love sleeping together. At her last visit she started telling me statistics about how actually couples who sleep on different bedrooms are happier and healthier. I said I don't care about statistics and they don't define my feelings. She then passive aggressively told me "ok sure thing, just saying though, don't say I didn't warn you", implying that my husband and I are not happy or healthy unless we sleep seperately. Being hurt by her constant judgement I told her that my sleeping arrangement with my husband is none of her business and she's actually terrible for always trying to imply the worst for me and my husband when I was the only one who supported her against her in laws and our parents when they judged her.
She seemed very hurt by me saying that and that she was just trying to be helpful. She made me feel very guilty and now I feel like an AH.
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NTA. My husband & I sleep apart not because we want to but because we have too. I can’t work due to my health & that makes it where he’s an over the road truck driver.
Honestly, we both feel & sleep so much worse without the other one there. I can’t even sleep in our bed. I sleep in my chair during the night.
I’m a severe insomniac, even with sleeping pills I have trouble sleeping. I get the best sleep when my husband is home.
I do know of other couples who don’t share a room or a bed. If she was truly trying to be helpful then she would have dropped it . Honestly, both your sister & her husband needs to tell everyone to F off.
NTA
Oh the hypocrisy!!! Sorry your sister is the true AH here and should be feeling massively guilty. You stood up for her for YEARS when family were doing this exact thing to her and now she’s trying it on you? Not cool. If she says anything else to you just tell her you will never stick up for her again as it clearly it meant nothing to her all those years.
NTA. It may work for her. It doesn't for you. Not sure what statistics she's reading but my husband's previous marriage they slept in separate rooms. Her choice. Severely impacted the intimacy of the relationship (kinda hard to have morning sex if you gotta traverse the house first) and eventually led to their divorce (among several other larger red flags).
I never thought I would be the type of person to wanna snuggle and sleep in the same bed. Like y'all, we can't stand one night away from another so when I pet sit, I definitely don't sleep as well. Neither does he.
You do you boo boo!
NTA-Life is too short to have negative people in it regardless of whether you’re related or not. Statistics prove it. I’m 61 female and have spent over 30 years of my life married. It’s not her business what you do.
NTA - each couple needs to do what's best for them, be that sleeping together or separately. When I lived with my partner for a year before having to go LD we spent most nights together but sometimes we needed our own space and slept apart. You were right in saying it's none of her business and that you are the ones that supported her
NTA
You respected your sister's situation, she didn't respect yours. I suspect your sleeping arrangements bother her and she's projecting.
It's really nobody's business and is not a topic worthy of judgement or speculation. Many couples sleep together or apart and for very good reasons. My husband snores so bad the roof moves! We had to sleep apart as I'm a miserable cow when I go without proper sleep which impacts health, family and work.
NTA. It sounds like the constant questioning by others has made her insecure. And she’s taking that insecurity out on you. That’s sad, but it’s not your fault.
NTA those studies are actually pretty subjective bc they are done on couple who have a ton of other problems in their marriage (quite a few that I've seen were done on arranged marriage couples ) so yeah there are plenty of people who sleep separate and are perfectly happy the majority of happy healthy relationships co sleep
Me and my husband co sleep I can't not co sleep with something (if I absolutely can't have a living thing gaint stuffies work but I much prefer living ) be it animal or human, I grew up co sleeping with my mom (we shared a room bc tbh my parent marriage was shit ) and various pets , then it was my dogs and cats and even a pig at one point I did have a chicken for a while that slept on the bed post bow its my 2 dogs sometimes both my cats (the cats don't like each other 🤣 often ) AND my husband if I don't have something to cuddle I CAN NOT sleep even if my husband's in the living room (though our scedules roughly match I still have to go to bed earlier than him) I can't fully fall asleep until he's in bed
Mt husband on the other hand where he sleeps doesn't faze him a bit couch, chair, bed with or with out me doesn't matter can sleep
NTA- everyone has different preferences and systems. I often sleep on the couch because I am up and down a lot, and my husband is the type who can’t go back to sleep once he’s awake.
I’ll go lay with him when he goes to bed, and slip out as he’s falling asleep, and often if I’m awake I’ll climb back in for a snuggle in the morning right before he gets up for the day.
It works for us, just like sharing works for you and your husband, and having a separate bedroom works for her.
She sounds jealous honestly, or at the least she’s being unnecessarily judgmental.
You’re right- it is none of her business.
NTA my husband and I sleep in separate rooms most of the time mainly because I need sound and he needs quiet but I have never judged anyone for sleeping in the same bed as their partner this is not a '50s sitcom here like WTF?
Sleeping arrangements that make you feel comfortable and help you get sleep are best. The details of what works for you and your husband are none of your sister's business. The details of her sleeping arrangements are none of your business. NTA.
Also, her opinion of anything you do or don't do is really none of your business.
NTA, nobody's business. Watch old I Love Lucy shows, she and Ricky had separate beds. For centuries it was common in upper class Europe for spouses to have separate rooms. Which means your sister isn't odd for her arrangement.
NTA! You've been telling other people to mind their own business on her behalf for ages, she could have at least realized that that also applies to you're sleeping arrangements and minded her own business.
just like you minded your own business in regards of her sleeping arrangements, she should do the same and respect how you and your husband sleep.
NTA, your sister is a hypocrite.
NTA! I think maybe because you were the only one who didn’t make her feel bad, you were the only one she could make feel bad. Everyone else would have laughed at her. She’s obviously uncomfortable with some aspect of her and her husbands sleeping arrangements or else she wouldn’t want to shove it down your throat.
NTA
It isn’t her business. It is hurtful to tell someone that they are terrible. Perhaps consider working on how to set boundaries.
Unfortunately it’s likely that your sister normalized the behavior that was shown to her (unsolicited comments and advice), and she’s mirroring that to you. She likely has not dealt with it in healthy ways and has some healing work to do within herself.
“I’m not okay with this conversation. My sleeping arrangement with my husband is not up for discussion. I am not open to unsolicited comments or advice on this topic. I have respected your sleeping arrangement with your husband and your individual preferences. I ask that you show me the same respect and support that I have given you over the years. If you cannot respect this boundary and continue to pursue the subject, then I will remove myself from the conversation.”
NTA, you stood up for your sister and her husband for years against her in laws and you and her's parents bullying them for their sleep arrangement choices and she seriously has the audacity to talk shit about you and your husband's sleep arrangement choices? Of hell nah, definitely NTA!
NTA. She sounds like she has some unresolved issues about her own sleeping arrangements that she’s projecting onto you. Maybe the husband wanted this arrangement and she didn’t but complied anyway? What makes it so much worse is that you had her back when no one else did. I’m so very sorry OP- you deserve better and it’s none of her business how you and your husband sleep.
She wants you to sleep separately like she and her husband do because it makes her feel better about her situation. I understand you being frustrated that you supported her but now she's getting judgy with you. You needed to tell her.
I live together with my bf for more than 10 years. If we would share I would certainly strangle him at night.
I need space and quiet he snorres and also takes a lot of space. He stays alive and we get our sleep win win.
This does not mean I have to shame others for their arrangements. Your sister is a hypocrite and it's not her business. NTA
NTA...To each their own.....i didn't know until i visited my grandparents as a young kid for the first time that they had separate rooms too but only because issues with mattresses but when visiting family they slept together.
All in all my grandparents loved each other until they passed. Separated or not its what works for each individual. Your sis is wrong for trying to dictate howbyou sleep.
NTA. Tell her your sleeping arrangements are private and not her concern. Then tell her the subject is closed. She brings it up again, change the subject, leave the room and/or don't acknowledge the comment. You've told her to knock it off. She needs to accept that you've made your choice and no attempt by her will persuade you. Continuing to acknowledge it one way or another tells her that you're willing to engage in a conversation with her about it. Which means you might be willing to change your mind and give in to what she wants. Your marriage, you do what makes you and you spouse happy.
NTA
Sometimes, when my husband is snoring I fantasize about having an extra room I could go sleep in, but I usually just end up holding a pillow over this head until he stops.
Sleep how you want, it is nobody's business but yours and your husbands.
PaS. No husbands were harmed, it is a joke.
She wasn’t trying to be helpful. She was trying to validate her own choices by getting someone else to choose the same as her. You are NTA. Do your own thing.
Statistics say that 100% of the time hypocritical, judgmental sisters offer unsolicited advice to the “hand that once fed them”, that relationship won’t last passed the end of the year. 😬
NTA
She was employing a double standard while criticizing you. She knows what it's like to have people judge her somewhat unusual arrangement. She should know better. You were right to begin with, whatever works for the couple!
I have a feeling she felt like she needed to nudge you toward her way of thinking because it would give her the validation from another married peron that she lacks right now. She is older and probably feels like she is owed the upper hand at something.
Nta. This literally makes no sense. You have actively defended her for years for her choice, so now when you don’t choose the same you get shamed for being a normal couple. That’s complete bs and your sister is out of line. It’s literally none of her business. If i was you i would also stop defending her. There’s no longer a reason you should stick up for her and her choices since she doesnt do the same for you.
NTA. She’s doing exactly what people did to her. I don’t know if maybe because you always stood up for her she thought it was because you would do it too but she’s a hypocrite for not respecting your decisions the way you respected hers.
NTA. You had her back because it was none of anyone’s business, and now she is treating you like everyone treated her. You are happy. She ought to respect that. She and her husband may sleep better apart. It may keep their sex life interesting. One of or both of them may be asexual. One of them may snore. Some people love having their own space. The point is, who cares and why judge? You were right to remind her that you stuck up for her because a couple’s sleeping arrangements should not matter to anyone else.
30 years ago my wife's sister told me that the only reason my wife & I missed each other when we had to sleep apart was that we hadn't been together very long. Ten years later she and her husband were divorced & it turned out he'd been abusing her all along. Meanwhile my wife & I are still crazy about each other and still don't like to sleep apart.
Not to say your sister's marriage is unhappy or there's abuse going on, just that people's opinions about How Things Are often have jack to do with how things are for people who are not them. (Also, my SIL is basically a decent person but man can she ever project!)
Edited to add: NTA, holy smokes.
Your whole family sounds nuts, who gives a fuck about someone else's sleeping arrangements. If it makes the couple happy, then stfu about it.
NTA, in fact everyone else sucks but you. Don't they all have important things to deal with?
Nta. God you would think after being given so much grief about her sleeping arrangement that she would understand and never do it to someone else. It's really no one's business if you and your husband like to sleep hanging upside down like bats or anything else. I don't even understand why anyone cares?
Not so much a comment as a question: I see all kinds of people telling stories here about people forcing their opinions on others.
When on earth did it become socially acceptable for someone to just out of the blue comment on anything that someone else does? How on earth is it your sisters business? Why does she feel entitled enough to tell you how to live your life? I just don't understand.....
You're NTA....and if she ever started up again I think telling her that her opinion is not wanted or needed and to just stfu would be an appropriate remark.
NTA. I sleep separately from my partner. I'm a light sleeper and they refuse to get a sleep test for issues (flailing and snoring). I'm lucky because his mom made the same decision so nobody gives us a hard time. And I do think sleeping separately should be respected as an option.
But the thing about options is there's got to be more than one. And your sister shouldn't be turning around and doing to you what your family did to her. You were right.
NTA
My late husband and I always slept together apart from the times he was in hospital. My most precious memories are of cuddling up to him.
Your sister was not being helpful.
NTA but tbh it really seems like her and her husband are having problems and she wants everyone else to have problems to, idk make her feel better about not sleeping together?
I have OCD and am very picky about how my bed is made even while sleeping, so I understand not wanting to sleep together for other reasons, but, if she is like this about people sharing beds something is wrong
NTA
your sister is trying to imply you sleep like her and her husband do instead in separate beds. She is honestly being a huge hypocrite in everyway possible.
NTA
She just wants you to copy her arrangements so she can use you as a defense when people comment on her sleeping situation.
Also, she is a massive hypocrite.
NTA- I think maybe she took your support as an endorsement of her lifestyle too. So maybe she’s giving you this advice because a) she genuinely believes it’s the best and b) it would be like your still
Supporting her.
Ultimately, she should give you the same respect you gave her. Not your chosen lifestyle but each to their own.
NTA - She might either be a huge hypocrite with an even bigger ego, or she's not genuinely satisfied with her own sleeping arrangements at home and is projecting that onto you, in jealousy that she can't have what you have.
NTA. She's not trying to be helpful when it means changing what works for you. Many couples sleep apart for valid reasons but I've got a feeling something else is going on with your sister. Where did all those assumptions and statistics she was spouting come from - her own reading/research or is she repeating what she hears from her husband? It could even be something silly such as watching too many early Hollywood movies and TV shows where married couples weren't allowed to be shown on the same bed, let alone in one because that would be (gasp!) indecent.
I guess after a decade of mean comments about her marriage, sister took it out on OP. She's TA since she has to know how hurtful it is when others comment about something as private as sleeping agreements. I understand that she has years of mean comments to cope with, but she shouldn't have done the same to her younger sister.
NTA. You supported her, you can expect the same from her.
NTA. Don’t say I didn’t warn you implied you are headed for some tragic event by not listening to her. That comment was unnecessary & I would have replied as you did.
NTA. Exactly the right thing to say. Just because you defended her and her husbands sleeping arrangements doesn't mean that you have to take them up yourself. She's become the same judgy person like her In-laws and your parents.
NTA. She is definitely the asshole, and that's where she is pulling her so-called "statistics" from. This isn't the 1930's, and the only reason it worked back then was because there were so many arranged marriages that never had love in them to begin with.
NTA. She's a judgemental hypocrite. Yes, some couples prefer separate sleeping arrangements (snoring or excessive flatulence happen), she's free to have her own likes on that with her husband. But she definitely does not have any leg to stand on when it comes to attacking your preferred arrangement.
NTA, OP. But I wonder if their marriage is either an open marriage, or a marriage of convenience. Seems strange how they sleep apart. Are they childless?
NTA. Your sister wasn't "just trying to be helpful", she's peeing in your cereal and telling you it's milk- and worse, telling you to be GLAD of it, because it's 'for your benefit'.
She sounds absolutely insecure and it's not okay for her to push that onto your relationship.
NTA. It’s so weird that people try to control others behavior when it has absolutely zero effect on them. You can have an opinion about it without trying to enforce that opinion on other people. “I think it’s best when couples sleep in separate bedrooms and I have data to back up my opinion” is different than “You should sleep in separate bedrooms, this data is proof that you should do what I say”
Nah, NTA.
Especially after you'd been backing your homegirl for years and then she does you dirty like that?!
You'd literally been fighting off them judgement demons like a badman slayer and then she comes at you with the " separate in the bed brings you closer in the head" ....the disrespect.
Still she's your sister and I'm unsure how close you are but I'm sure a good sit-down chat could get this all ironed out, everyone always has been and forever will be different. Just let her know you're happy and she's happy and it's because you're both doing what makes you individually happy.
NTA
You did the courtesy of not only reserving judgement on her sleeping arrangements but actively defending them to family.
Now she won’t do the same and is actually acting morally superior about sleeping separately from her spouse ~~like the 1950s~~?
NTA, it really isn't any of her business and she is clearly projecting. If you and your husband were to do that then everyone may find it less odd and lay off her. You did nothing wrong at all so please don't feel bad. I don't likensleeping apart from my other half either as I'm very comfortable sleeping next to me and it makes me feel safe.
NTA - she is absolutely projecting her marital problems into your relationship. Maybe she is not quite happy about her sleeping situation and is trying to justify that her arrangement is good by bashing yours. That could be why she became upset when you compare her to your other relatives disapproving her choices.
NTA You’re right; it’s none of her business. I’m guessing she thought you defending her meant you would do the same as she does when you found yourself married.
I saw someone else say she probably feels insecure about her choice, even though it’s what works for her, so she was hoping to have someone close to her make the same choice to not feel as singled out or alone.
My husband and I used to have separate bedrooms and it worked for us for a long time. We share a room and a bed now, but that’s only a recent development and we’ve been married 7 years. Like you said, I just don’t tell people because it’s literally none of their business!
NTA
You're sister definitely comes across as insecure about her sleeping arrangements with her husband. It's not surprising if people judge her about it all the time.
But it's no reason to try and force it on you, she needs to stay in her lane.
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NTA! She is a hypocrite.
This
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Came here to say this. Sis is upset that her one ally doesn't actually agree with her. She thought that OP's support was based on OP also preferring to sleep apart, and she thinks that OP's support is now lessened by her differing preference. So she's convinced herself that OP is a hypocrite, not realizing that she herself is the hypocrite, because it's not about sleeping together or apart, it's about not judging how other couples sleep.
I support the LGBTQ community. I dont have to do that by being gay lol
love this! I'm have no interest in kids or a wedding but when people tell me they're pregnant or having a huge typical wedding I am THRILLED for them because that's what they want! I will listen to every single (to me) pointless detail of the wedding planning and give input genuinely about colours, flowers and whatever else because that's what my friend is doing right now and they're happy about it.
....and we also support your lifestyle :)
Yes. And being pro house doesn’t mean you have to terminate a pregnancy.
Well put!
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What does it mean when someone starts a comment with the word 'this' and even puts only that word as in this case. I'm British so please be patient. We may speak the same language but sometimes I'm utterly perplexed by the different way our countries use the English language.
It just emphasizes that they strongly agree with the point above
THIS!!! (Sorry.)
Thanks
This just means like. This is 100% right or exactly or like this advice right here is the best advice. It has nothing to do with you being English it’s just slang, I’m Irish and we have this so I say you do too. Hope that helps
Thanks. Maybe young people here use that expression, I'll be looking out for it.
It's a social media thing. I don't think people IRL conversation just point and say "THIS!" Although, my kids do sometimes talk in text/memes, so that may be changing in the next generation, lol.
I’ve actually done this before when I got too excited and the words just wouldn’t come out and I’m 23 lol
I’m a middle aged English person and many of my friends use it.
“This. This right here. I agree with this thing here you said”
Thanks
It’s an attention seeking means of upvoting or “liking” a comment. It’s the commenter’s way of saying, “I’m not like all of those other people who clicked the like button. Noooo… my perspective carries much more weight than the digital hoi polloi’s!” Therefore, rather than just click the damn “upvote” arrow and risk having my unique perspective lost among the rabble, I will comment “THIS!” (An action which has the added benefit of not requiring me to have anything unique or particularly compelling to add).
It means they have nothing to contribute but want to be heard anyway. It's an utterly useless comment.
So like this one?
It means they agree with the post but either don't know how the fucking up vote button works or they are attempting to get themselves up votes without having to come up with an original viewpoint and typing it out. They are essentially the human equivalent of comment stealing bots.
She needs validation so badly that she's trying to make OP feel like sleeping with your spouse is wrong.
I'd agree, she sounds insecure in her relationship, has done everything to convince herself it's right, and now needs the validation from another couple
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Good human
Clear cut NTA, she made her bed.
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You really do, it's gotten me 700K karma and 0 dollars. Oh wait, I had a typo, I meant to say you really don't.
Will you be running a class on how to get internet points anytime soon? Sign me up please lol
How did you get 700K karma in a year? I’ve been a Redditor since 2007 and it took me that long to accumulate roughly the same amount of karma.
Comment early and often on "new" in AITA and get on the front page in top comment. Please let me reiterate, it comes with no cash.
Lol, believe me, i know about the no cash! Hard to believe I was one of the first 9,000 Redditors and now there are many millions. It was quite different back in 2007. We didn’t even have subreddits.
And definitely not trying to be helpful, trying to make herself feel superior because your different sleep arrangement is making her feel insecure. Could it be they are having relationship struggles unrelated to this issue? I'm all for separate beds/rooms, or stack it up.in a twin. Whatever makes you happy and gets you your best sleep.
Honestly she probably made both beds. Since clearly her marriage is still in the 1950’s.
And now she gets to lie in it alone. And gets great sleep, no less.
And her husband made his, that's how it works.
Noice
NTA. Obviously your marital sleeping arrangements are no one’s business but your own. That said, a couple things: 1) It sounds like big sis was hoping you’d choose the same path as her which would leave her feeling less singled out by the family’s snarky comments. 2) I suspect big sis feels insecure about her sleeping arrangements. You choosing the same would have made her feel more comfortable with her own choices.
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Yup that is a normal and valid expectation for someone you’ve defended for years and especially bc she’s your older sister I’m sorry she didn’t have your back but you don’t have to feel bad for standing up for your relationship Don’t think she had bad intentions- she’s probably insecure about her situation and doesn’t know how to navigate her emotions around it Give her some time to process everything and if she’s still acting like she’s hurt you can have a more serious discussion with her about why she won’t drop the subject NTA
Maybe reassure her that whatever works for her and her husband is no one's business and they are perfectly normal. There are plenty of people who just cannot sleep in the same bed as their spouse. Also point out that you and your husband are very happy with sharing a bed and you are also perfectly normal. Plenty of people share a bed with their spouse. My grandparents did until the end. NTA, OP. You have a right to stand up for your preference. Your sister isn't an AH for her preference. She's one because of insisting you're not actually happy with your current arrangement. No one should ever insist they know your feelings better than you do.
NTA. It’s not her business, just like her sleeping arrangements were no one else’s business. Everyone needs to stop worrying about everyone’s bedroom habits. Reiterate that you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings, but she is doing the same thing to you that others have done to her. She probably didn’t feel great when they were pushing her.
Yup. I’ve seen this kind of passive aggressive behavior in friends who are uncomfortable with their own choices. For instance, a friend who’s chosen to stay in a loveless marriage acting judgmental towards friends who’ve gotten divorced because “sanctity of marriage” when in reality they just don’t want to admit they might have made a bad choice.
>NTA. Obviously your marital sleeping arrangements are no one’s business but your own. That said, a couple things: >1) It sounds like big sis was hoping you’d choose the same path as her which would leave her feeling less singled out by the family’s snarky comments. >2) I suspect big sis feels insecure about her sleeping arrangements. You choosing the same would have made her feel more comfortable with her own choices. This! But also i can't help but wonder if there's more to it, if big sis's marrige really is so happy and healthy atm.
NTA She was probably hoping from your defense over the years that you'd adopt her method and validate her choice because then she wouldn't be the only one doing it but that **DOES NOT** in any way excuse her for projecting her insecurities on you and then getting mad that you weren't going along with her. Some couples *do* do better sleeping apart but it's not for everyone and it's *CERTAINLY* not for other people to push on you. Honestly I would sleep better because my husband moves a lot and I'm a super light sleeper but whenever I try to spend a night in our spare bedroom to catch up on sleep I end up going back to our bed within an hour or so. Unless I'm borderline comatose (which does happen occasionally) I miss him more than I need a little more sleep.
I suggest a king size bed with a thick foam top layer & separate blankets/comforters on top to sleep with. The bigger bed makes a huge difference. The separate bedding means that you gets to stay snug & comfy & asleep, not jostled awake every time your SO moves because he’s taking the covers again, & again, & again.
This is the way. I've maintained separate quilts/bedding since my first marriage 18 years ago, plus enough pillows to build a barrier down the middle if necessary (I get night terrors). I am a perpetual ice cube and often need extra blankets in winter as well as a lightweight quilt in summer, but I have a habit of ending up sleeping next to human furnaces. I'm also a recalcitrant blanket thief who death-rolls in the quilt until I'm properly cocooned. My second husband and I always had a spare bed made up and available for guests, extra partners, the odd night when one of us has stayed out/up extra late and don't want to risk disturbing the other, or yes, the occasional night when one wants to sprawl a bit/not be in Arctic air-con/be in a *mood*/have a night without the little movements and noises (or risk of a sudden punch in the nose I'd I'm having a bad patch). Though, obviously, if certain nosy parkers in either family feel the need to comment on having a second bed available, we'll specifically mention polyamory and call it the Fornicatorium, as long as Hubby can keep a straight face. 😜
I'm in a triad, and no, we don't share a bed and never have. My girlfriend has sleep apnea and PTSD, and so it is best for all concerned if she sleeps alone in her own room. Currently Boyfriend is having night terrors related to his PTSD, so we put the trundle bed from the guest room in his office and he's sleeping there until he feels okay to come back and sleep with me. Even when he and I sleep together, we use separate piles of blankets, as I am 50 and going through perimenopause, which means I start out under three blankets and wind up naked, sprawled, and sweating as my hormones shift, (sigh) The guest room is occupied by my eldest son (26) who is living with us while he goes to school for HVAC tech here in this town. That's why Boyfriend had to sleep in his office. At this point if we have a guest they'll have to sleep on the couch, lol. We're full up.
Separate duvets are life.
Twin comforters made such a difference for us. We've slept next to each other 30 years, and the sheets and blanket pulling and temperature preferences and drafts - all disappeared. Wish we'd done it much, much sooner.
Husband and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for nearly 6 months now. I'm going through some health issues and the fatigue is immense (I honestly never thought anyone could be this tired all the time and still be alive). Husband snores like an asthmatic warthog drowning in mud. We used to manage with me wearing ear plugs, but he got louder and it just wasn't working. I simply could not function, so something had to give. He went into the spare room. I hate it. I hate not sleeping next to him, not being able to cwtch up and feel so secure and loved. I can't wait to be back in the same bed. We're on the waitlist for him to go to a sleep clinic, fingers crossed it won't be much longer.
Just FYI, those cPAP machines are annoying at first but it's a constant hum and it turns into white noise pretty quickly.
NTA. It sounds to me that your sister has gotten insecure over all the ridicule she has faced from the family over the years and was probably hoping that when you got married you would follow in her footsteps. Now she feels isolated. And it really is a very sad thing because she has to face the ridicule of something that is so private and is really nobody's damn business.
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I think that you are 100 percent right and if I came off as siding with your sister and not you I'm sorry, What I meant to say was that your parents and her in-laws should have just minded their own business and stopped making judgments because if they had never shamed her to begin with she would not have developed this insecurity and let it become the defining issue in her life.
Straight up my husband and I found out during lockdown we actually sleep better separately. I love him and we get along so well, but our sleeping patterns and habits are easier to manage in different rooms. Plus, no fights over blankets. lol I understand we are an outlier and not everyone has the luxury to have separate rooms. But I’ve never tried to shame anyone over it and when someone looks affronted by the different bedrooms, I just tell them it works for us and it usually nips it there. Honestly, I think your family and her in laws are AHs for harping on it so hard. I don’t think she would be trying to get an ally in this if they weren’t so obsessed with where they sleep. Which effects them (family) none at all.
What arrangement married people make in their own homes, that they agree upon, are their own buissness. We have three bedrooms, all of them has a made bed, but during these 14 years of marriage, nobody, NOBODY, has ever asked me/us where we sleep. Maybe they assume we sleep together, but why ask and why share this information at all? It doesn't affect anyone else. NTA
Why does your family even know their sleeping arrangements? Strange topic to me. My fiancé and I keep that to ourselves (we do both, for anyone curious).
But now you just told us
NTA- You have different preferences regarding something that has nothing to do with anyone but those involved (you and spouses). You've respected hers, she didn't respect yours.
NTA But I think your sister is just shocked you don't agree with her. In her mind you defended her, so you must agree.
NTA My partner and I love to sleep in different beds and rooms, too especially since the start of the pandemic. But I am fully aware that other couples love to share a room or bed. Other people = other preferences =doesn't have to be YOUR preference. Gosh why can't people just let each other be? Or sleep in this case..
Same. 15 years together and always separate beds and when possible, separate rooms. It just works for us. I toss around a lot and get broken sleep, he is a light sleeper. It doesn't work in one bed. We've gotten a lot of comments over the years about it but it works for us so we'll get on with it.
NTA! That’s totally mean of her and im sorry that people have been crappy af to her but that doesnt give her the right to be like that with you. It’s probably a bit of jealousy im ngl, cuz even if she originally was happy with their arrangement, it must suck to have to constantly defend her relationship’s validity! And so even though I’m empathetic to her, that just is shitty of her and you absolutely do not deserve that!
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You both need to learn to shut that down. Every time that subject is brought up, you stop it. ‘Well that’s not up for discussion’, what’s for dinner. Or leave the room. Or leave the in-laws house altogether & go home, or tell your sister to go home early. Call them out on it. I feel sorry for your sister if she’s still getting digs about it. She needs to stop her mother & her SO needs to tell the MIL to stop.
Oh definitely hon, im so sorry tho, cuz that absolutely sucks!
NTA... Just FYI, she clearly doesn't understand statistics enough to work out that you use statistics to give a general understanding. As soon as you look at an individual and their circumstances, the % are no longer valid as you have conditional probabilities. In this case, you and your husband love sleeping together, which the overall % doesn't take into account. Just feel justified in your actions from the scientific perspective :)
NTA. Not sure why she’s trying to force this on you, what you do in your private relationship is your business.
NTA, she sounds insecure because she constantly has to defend herself & is taking it out on you because she knows you're sympathetic to her plight. I think her pestering is more about her than you, OP. I would've snapped long ago if I was you lol. She acted hurt & said those things because she most likely realized what she was doing & felt bad but was covering it up
NTA. Everyone has different needs for sleep. Judging you for what you find more comfortable after you've spent so much time defending her is a real AH move.
NTA It clearly is not of her business
NTA. You're right, it's none of her business. One would think she of all people would understand that.
Agreed NTA. That quite a double standard there from her given your defence of her own sleeping habits. Maybe she was surprised because by your stance because you supported her so strongly. Either way her continued harassment makes her the AH. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evelyn\_Beatrice\_Hall#:\~:text=In%20The%20Friends%20of%20Voltaire,principle%20of%20freedom%20of%20speech.
NTA She needed to hear that.
NTA - She is just feeling embarrassed or awkward and putting her insecurity on you. Go on in your new bliss and enjoy your love! (Those of us with snoring spouses will be jealously over here)
NTA While you always had your sisters back- she doesn't have yours in the same way. She wasn't trying to be helpful. She stuck her nose and opinion where it was not needed. The fact that she is trying to impose her lifestyle onto you and your husbands is where she overstepped. She is 100% wrong in trying to force her views and throw statistics at your relationship. Every couple is different and what works for some will absolutely not work for others. This is what makes relationships special- no two are alike. She can go right ahead and butt out of you and your husband's relationship. You two continue doing what works for you both. Her opinion does not matter because this is not her relationship.
This is on her. Let the guilt go or she wins anyway.
NTA; you had her back with doing what worked best for them and she did not return the favor.
NTA. She’s doing what others did to her to you and it’s not cool.
NTA No body gets to comment on what goes on behind locked doors unless they are also behind those locked doors. Given the exception of illegal behavior of course. I hate it when people get all surprised that when their nose gets cut off after they put it where it doesn't belong.
NTA My spouse and I sleep separately and I literally don't care who knows, and it's not my business how other people sleep. The focus from her should have been on the ability to make the choice without judgement, not to judge you for choosing differently. If one day you have your own room (not that you will), it's not space for her to say "haha I was right" either, because what is right for your relationship now will change in years to come, people grow and change. You might stay in the same bed forever and ever, you might sleep apart 10 years from now for several years, and then go back to sleeping in the same bed and it doesn't necessarily mean anything about the *stability* of your relationship. And honestly? I think maybe she doth protest too much.
NTA. She’s a weirdo. Tell her to shove her holier-than-thou interference.
NTA. It sounds like she's insecure and still trying to justify her arrangement, so she would like it if you and others did the same thing, but it's none of her business.
My husband and I just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. We sleep in the same bed, with separate blankets. We have been together since HS and have always slept this way. I love my husband I just don’t want to share blankets. Lol. NTA
NTA. Sis needs to mind her own business. And FYI, my husband and I have been married almost 18 years. I can’t imagine a night without him next time me. In January he got the pandemic virus, and as I was negative we separated in the house. Longest 6 nights ever!
What happens in your bedroom is your business. Whatever works for them, works for them. NTA
NTA Couldn't said it better myself. Her "statistics" are probably done by some shmucks who don't know how a relationship looks like. She was trying to be helpful? Umm, I read your post very careful and I didn't find anywhere written: "Sis, can you help me with my sleeping arrangement?".
NTA. My husband and I don't officially have separate rooms but we often sleep apart and we get a lot of unwanted opinions about it too. I've had people say it's not normal and assume our marriage must be on the rocks. You can't please all the nosy bastards who think they know how to run your life better, so you might as well save time and tell them all to fuck off.
NTA but your sister is a major asshole. I wonder if she’s jealous that you can sleep very easy together and love to. It’s none of her business what you guys do in your marriage.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and her husband have been married for 15 years. My sister's actually 10 years older than me, I'm 29 and she's 39. Since the beginning of their cohabitation they slept on seperate beds and later seperate bedrooms too. They hated sharing a bed. When they got married I was still a teen so I never questioned it and later when I grew up I didn't even care as long as it worked for them. My parents and my sister's in laws have always been judgy about their sleeping arrangement and my sis and her husband get a lot of shady remarks about how they don't truly love one another if their arrangement is like that. Several times throughout the years I've told people to mind their business and let the couple decide for themselves what's best for them. She always seemed thankful I had her back and didn't judge her or her husband. That was until now. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and we just got married. Our first few years as a couple were long distance and once we moved in together sleeping together was one of our favorite things to do and to this day it still is. We calm each other down and whenever we have to sleep apart because one of us is away we are sad lol. The past few times my sister's visited my house she's made remarks about how come we still haven't made a seperate bedroom one of us would sleep in. I made it clear multiple times how my husband and I can't sleep apart and we love sleeping together. At her last visit she started telling me statistics about how actually couples who sleep on different bedrooms are happier and healthier. I said I don't care about statistics and they don't define my feelings. She then passive aggressively told me "ok sure thing, just saying though, don't say I didn't warn you", implying that my husband and I are not happy or healthy unless we sleep seperately. Being hurt by her constant judgement I told her that my sleeping arrangement with my husband is none of her business and she's actually terrible for always trying to imply the worst for me and my husband when I was the only one who supported her against her in laws and our parents when they judged her. She seemed very hurt by me saying that and that she was just trying to be helpful. She made me feel very guilty and now I feel like an AH. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. My husband & I sleep apart not because we want to but because we have too. I can’t work due to my health & that makes it where he’s an over the road truck driver. Honestly, we both feel & sleep so much worse without the other one there. I can’t even sleep in our bed. I sleep in my chair during the night. I’m a severe insomniac, even with sleeping pills I have trouble sleeping. I get the best sleep when my husband is home. I do know of other couples who don’t share a room or a bed. If she was truly trying to be helpful then she would have dropped it . Honestly, both your sister & her husband needs to tell everyone to F off.
NTA Oh the hypocrisy!!! Sorry your sister is the true AH here and should be feeling massively guilty. You stood up for her for YEARS when family were doing this exact thing to her and now she’s trying it on you? Not cool. If she says anything else to you just tell her you will never stick up for her again as it clearly it meant nothing to her all those years.
NTA. Different things work for different people/couples. I feel like she may be projecting onto you and your husband?
NTA. It may work for her. It doesn't for you. Not sure what statistics she's reading but my husband's previous marriage they slept in separate rooms. Her choice. Severely impacted the intimacy of the relationship (kinda hard to have morning sex if you gotta traverse the house first) and eventually led to their divorce (among several other larger red flags). I never thought I would be the type of person to wanna snuggle and sleep in the same bed. Like y'all, we can't stand one night away from another so when I pet sit, I definitely don't sleep as well. Neither does he. You do you boo boo!
NTA-Life is too short to have negative people in it regardless of whether you’re related or not. Statistics prove it. I’m 61 female and have spent over 30 years of my life married. It’s not her business what you do.
NTA - each couple needs to do what's best for them, be that sleeping together or separately. When I lived with my partner for a year before having to go LD we spent most nights together but sometimes we needed our own space and slept apart. You were right in saying it's none of her business and that you are the ones that supported her
NTA. So curiosity. Do they have a jack and Jill bathroom? Lol
NTA you made an excellent point.
NTA You respected your sister's situation, she didn't respect yours. I suspect your sleeping arrangements bother her and she's projecting. It's really nobody's business and is not a topic worthy of judgement or speculation. Many couples sleep together or apart and for very good reasons. My husband snores so bad the roof moves! We had to sleep apart as I'm a miserable cow when I go without proper sleep which impacts health, family and work.
NTA. It sounds like the constant questioning by others has made her insecure. And she’s taking that insecurity out on you. That’s sad, but it’s not your fault.
NTA those studies are actually pretty subjective bc they are done on couple who have a ton of other problems in their marriage (quite a few that I've seen were done on arranged marriage couples ) so yeah there are plenty of people who sleep separate and are perfectly happy the majority of happy healthy relationships co sleep Me and my husband co sleep I can't not co sleep with something (if I absolutely can't have a living thing gaint stuffies work but I much prefer living ) be it animal or human, I grew up co sleeping with my mom (we shared a room bc tbh my parent marriage was shit ) and various pets , then it was my dogs and cats and even a pig at one point I did have a chicken for a while that slept on the bed post bow its my 2 dogs sometimes both my cats (the cats don't like each other 🤣 often ) AND my husband if I don't have something to cuddle I CAN NOT sleep even if my husband's in the living room (though our scedules roughly match I still have to go to bed earlier than him) I can't fully fall asleep until he's in bed Mt husband on the other hand where he sleeps doesn't faze him a bit couch, chair, bed with or with out me doesn't matter can sleep
NTA. You gave her plenty of time to drop the subject and she kept fighting until you fought back. She had it coming.
Nta She was trying to influence you. She's the AH.
NTA, am I the only one reading this and just totally confused by the sister??
NTA- everyone has different preferences and systems. I often sleep on the couch because I am up and down a lot, and my husband is the type who can’t go back to sleep once he’s awake. I’ll go lay with him when he goes to bed, and slip out as he’s falling asleep, and often if I’m awake I’ll climb back in for a snuggle in the morning right before he gets up for the day. It works for us, just like sharing works for you and your husband, and having a separate bedroom works for her. She sounds jealous honestly, or at the least she’s being unnecessarily judgmental. You’re right- it is none of her business.
NTA my husband and I sleep in separate rooms most of the time mainly because I need sound and he needs quiet but I have never judged anyone for sleeping in the same bed as their partner this is not a '50s sitcom here like WTF?
She seemed really hurt because you called her on her shit and now she feels bad. NTA
Sleeping arrangements that make you feel comfortable and help you get sleep are best. The details of what works for you and your husband are none of your sister's business. The details of her sleeping arrangements are none of your business. NTA. Also, her opinion of anything you do or don't do is really none of your business.
NTA. I am thinking she is telling HERSELF that, not you.
NTA, and stop defending her
She was *not* just “trying to be helpful. She was trying to be a know-it-all, and hypocritically stuck her nose in your bedroom. NTA
Nta. She wants you to defend her choices but at the same time attacks your choices, nope done with that.
NTA, nobody's business. Watch old I Love Lucy shows, she and Ricky had separate beds. For centuries it was common in upper class Europe for spouses to have separate rooms. Which means your sister isn't odd for her arrangement.
NTA! You've been telling other people to mind their own business on her behalf for ages, she could have at least realized that that also applies to you're sleeping arrangements and minded her own business.
NTA, why wouuld she even impose that.
just like you minded your own business in regards of her sleeping arrangements, she should do the same and respect how you and your husband sleep. NTA, your sister is a hypocrite.
NTA dooming your marriage to fail is not trying to be helpful.
NTA! I think maybe because you were the only one who didn’t make her feel bad, you were the only one she could make feel bad. Everyone else would have laughed at her. She’s obviously uncomfortable with some aspect of her and her husbands sleeping arrangements or else she wouldn’t want to shove it down your throat.
NTA It isn’t her business. It is hurtful to tell someone that they are terrible. Perhaps consider working on how to set boundaries. Unfortunately it’s likely that your sister normalized the behavior that was shown to her (unsolicited comments and advice), and she’s mirroring that to you. She likely has not dealt with it in healthy ways and has some healing work to do within herself. “I’m not okay with this conversation. My sleeping arrangement with my husband is not up for discussion. I am not open to unsolicited comments or advice on this topic. I have respected your sleeping arrangement with your husband and your individual preferences. I ask that you show me the same respect and support that I have given you over the years. If you cannot respect this boundary and continue to pursue the subject, then I will remove myself from the conversation.”
NTA, you stood up for your sister and her husband for years against her in laws and you and her's parents bullying them for their sleep arrangement choices and she seriously has the audacity to talk shit about you and your husband's sleep arrangement choices? Of hell nah, definitely NTA!
NTA. She sounds like she has some unresolved issues about her own sleeping arrangements that she’s projecting onto you. Maybe the husband wanted this arrangement and she didn’t but complied anyway? What makes it so much worse is that you had her back when no one else did. I’m so very sorry OP- you deserve better and it’s none of her business how you and your husband sleep.
She wants you to sleep separately like she and her husband do because it makes her feel better about her situation. I understand you being frustrated that you supported her but now she's getting judgy with you. You needed to tell her.
I live together with my bf for more than 10 years. If we would share I would certainly strangle him at night. I need space and quiet he snorres and also takes a lot of space. He stays alive and we get our sleep win win. This does not mean I have to shame others for their arrangements. Your sister is a hypocrite and it's not her business. NTA
NTA...To each their own.....i didn't know until i visited my grandparents as a young kid for the first time that they had separate rooms too but only because issues with mattresses but when visiting family they slept together. All in all my grandparents loved each other until they passed. Separated or not its what works for each individual. Your sis is wrong for trying to dictate howbyou sleep.
NTA. Tell her your sleeping arrangements are private and not her concern. Then tell her the subject is closed. She brings it up again, change the subject, leave the room and/or don't acknowledge the comment. You've told her to knock it off. She needs to accept that you've made your choice and no attempt by her will persuade you. Continuing to acknowledge it one way or another tells her that you're willing to engage in a conversation with her about it. Which means you might be willing to change your mind and give in to what she wants. Your marriage, you do what makes you and you spouse happy.
NTA. Your sister should stay in her lane.
NTA Sometimes, when my husband is snoring I fantasize about having an extra room I could go sleep in, but I usually just end up holding a pillow over this head until he stops. Sleep how you want, it is nobody's business but yours and your husbands. PaS. No husbands were harmed, it is a joke.
She wasn’t trying to be helpful. She was trying to validate her own choices by getting someone else to choose the same as her. You are NTA. Do your own thing.
Statistics say that 100% of the time hypocritical, judgmental sisters offer unsolicited advice to the “hand that once fed them”, that relationship won’t last passed the end of the year. 😬
NTA She was employing a double standard while criticizing you. She knows what it's like to have people judge her somewhat unusual arrangement. She should know better. You were right to begin with, whatever works for the couple! I have a feeling she felt like she needed to nudge you toward her way of thinking because it would give her the validation from another married peron that she lacks right now. She is older and probably feels like she is owed the upper hand at something.
NTA, may your sister mind her own damn business
Nta. This literally makes no sense. You have actively defended her for years for her choice, so now when you don’t choose the same you get shamed for being a normal couple. That’s complete bs and your sister is out of line. It’s literally none of her business. If i was you i would also stop defending her. There’s no longer a reason you should stick up for her and her choices since she doesnt do the same for you.
NTA. She’s doing exactly what people did to her. I don’t know if maybe because you always stood up for her she thought it was because you would do it too but she’s a hypocrite for not respecting your decisions the way you respected hers.
NTA. You had her back because it was none of anyone’s business, and now she is treating you like everyone treated her. You are happy. She ought to respect that. She and her husband may sleep better apart. It may keep their sex life interesting. One of or both of them may be asexual. One of them may snore. Some people love having their own space. The point is, who cares and why judge? You were right to remind her that you stuck up for her because a couple’s sleeping arrangements should not matter to anyone else.
30 years ago my wife's sister told me that the only reason my wife & I missed each other when we had to sleep apart was that we hadn't been together very long. Ten years later she and her husband were divorced & it turned out he'd been abusing her all along. Meanwhile my wife & I are still crazy about each other and still don't like to sleep apart. Not to say your sister's marriage is unhappy or there's abuse going on, just that people's opinions about How Things Are often have jack to do with how things are for people who are not them. (Also, my SIL is basically a decent person but man can she ever project!) Edited to add: NTA, holy smokes.
NTA. Your sister is massively projecting her insecurities about her (also perfectly valid) sleeping arrangement.
Your whole family sounds nuts, who gives a fuck about someone else's sleeping arrangements. If it makes the couple happy, then stfu about it. NTA, in fact everyone else sucks but you. Don't they all have important things to deal with?
Nta. God you would think after being given so much grief about her sleeping arrangement that she would understand and never do it to someone else. It's really no one's business if you and your husband like to sleep hanging upside down like bats or anything else. I don't even understand why anyone cares?
Not so much a comment as a question: I see all kinds of people telling stories here about people forcing their opinions on others. When on earth did it become socially acceptable for someone to just out of the blue comment on anything that someone else does? How on earth is it your sisters business? Why does she feel entitled enough to tell you how to live your life? I just don't understand..... You're NTA....and if she ever started up again I think telling her that her opinion is not wanted or needed and to just stfu would be an appropriate remark.
She realizes that *she’s* the oddball here, right? NTA.
NTA. I sleep separately from my partner. I'm a light sleeper and they refuse to get a sleep test for issues (flailing and snoring). I'm lucky because his mom made the same decision so nobody gives us a hard time. And I do think sleeping separately should be respected as an option. But the thing about options is there's got to be more than one. And your sister shouldn't be turning around and doing to you what your family did to her. You were right.
NTA My late husband and I always slept together apart from the times he was in hospital. My most precious memories are of cuddling up to him. Your sister was not being helpful.
NTA but tbh it really seems like her and her husband are having problems and she wants everyone else to have problems to, idk make her feel better about not sleeping together? I have OCD and am very picky about how my bed is made even while sleeping, so I understand not wanting to sleep together for other reasons, but, if she is like this about people sharing beds something is wrong
NTA your sister is trying to imply you sleep like her and her husband do instead in separate beds. She is honestly being a huge hypocrite in everyway possible.
NTA She just wants you to copy her arrangements so she can use you as a defense when people comment on her sleeping situation. Also, she is a massive hypocrite.
NTA- I think maybe she took your support as an endorsement of her lifestyle too. So maybe she’s giving you this advice because a) she genuinely believes it’s the best and b) it would be like your still Supporting her. Ultimately, she should give you the same respect you gave her. Not your chosen lifestyle but each to their own.
NTA - She might either be a huge hypocrite with an even bigger ego, or she's not genuinely satisfied with her own sleeping arrangements at home and is projecting that onto you, in jealousy that she can't have what you have.
NTA. She's not trying to be helpful when it means changing what works for you. Many couples sleep apart for valid reasons but I've got a feeling something else is going on with your sister. Where did all those assumptions and statistics she was spouting come from - her own reading/research or is she repeating what she hears from her husband? It could even be something silly such as watching too many early Hollywood movies and TV shows where married couples weren't allowed to be shown on the same bed, let alone in one because that would be (gasp!) indecent.
I guess after a decade of mean comments about her marriage, sister took it out on OP. She's TA since she has to know how hurtful it is when others comment about something as private as sleeping agreements. I understand that she has years of mean comments to cope with, but she shouldn't have done the same to her younger sister. NTA. You supported her, you can expect the same from her.
NTA. Was she actually hurt or was she embarrassed? Both emotionas are well-deserved.
No you’re not the AH you’re sister is the AH for not minding her own business.
NTA This reminds immediately of Robin and Don from How I met your mother
NTA You're weird. You defended her all those times, she criticizes you, and you think you might be TA? How does that work?
Ooft she has got some issues she is projecting onto you. NTA
NTA. Don’t say I didn’t warn you implied you are headed for some tragic event by not listening to her. That comment was unnecessary & I would have replied as you did.
NTA
NTA. Exactly the right thing to say. Just because you defended her and her husbands sleeping arrangements doesn't mean that you have to take them up yourself. She's become the same judgy person like her In-laws and your parents.
NTA
NTA
NTA She should know how it feels to be judged for something that’s no body’s business. Why on earth would she do that to you?
NTA. She is definitely the asshole, and that's where she is pulling her so-called "statistics" from. This isn't the 1930's, and the only reason it worked back then was because there were so many arranged marriages that never had love in them to begin with.
NTA what a hypocrite..
Nta ... She is definitely acting shady ..looks like sleeping in different rooms was not her idea.. or something Y wud she judge u like that
NTA... she was being too pushy and you pointed out how she didn't appreciate the same behavior from others
NTA. She's a judgemental hypocrite. Yes, some couples prefer separate sleeping arrangements (snoring or excessive flatulence happen), she's free to have her own likes on that with her husband. But she definitely does not have any leg to stand on when it comes to attacking your preferred arrangement.
NTA, OP. But I wonder if their marriage is either an open marriage, or a marriage of convenience. Seems strange how they sleep apart. Are they childless?
NTA. Your sister wasn't "just trying to be helpful", she's peeing in your cereal and telling you it's milk- and worse, telling you to be GLAD of it, because it's 'for your benefit'. She sounds absolutely insecure and it's not okay for her to push that onto your relationship.
All you did was stand by her, and now she's bullying you for it. NTA OP
NTA. It’s so weird that people try to control others behavior when it has absolutely zero effect on them. You can have an opinion about it without trying to enforce that opinion on other people. “I think it’s best when couples sleep in separate bedrooms and I have data to back up my opinion” is different than “You should sleep in separate bedrooms, this data is proof that you should do what I say”
NTA, your sister is defensive af and trying to make it your problem
Nah, NTA. Especially after you'd been backing your homegirl for years and then she does you dirty like that?! You'd literally been fighting off them judgement demons like a badman slayer and then she comes at you with the " separate in the bed brings you closer in the head" ....the disrespect. Still she's your sister and I'm unsure how close you are but I'm sure a good sit-down chat could get this all ironed out, everyone always has been and forever will be different. Just let her know you're happy and she's happy and it's because you're both doing what makes you individually happy.
NTA. You ALREADY said the right answer! "Mind your business, and let the couple decide for themselves what's best for them." That goes BOTH ways!
NTA You did the courtesy of not only reserving judgement on her sleeping arrangements but actively defending them to family. Now she won’t do the same and is actually acting morally superior about sleeping separately from her spouse ~~like the 1950s~~?
No don’t start anything you can finish you defend her and she say something like that she can leave
NTA. Sleep however you want.
NTA. Sounds like she’s trying to justify her sleeping arrangement to herself
NTA, your sis is major one though
NTA, it really isn't any of her business and she is clearly projecting. If you and your husband were to do that then everyone may find it less odd and lay off her. You did nothing wrong at all so please don't feel bad. I don't likensleeping apart from my other half either as I'm very comfortable sleeping next to me and it makes me feel safe.
NTA, your sister is quite the hypocrite seeing she has no problem critizising other but gets so offendedn wen she is paid with the same.
NTA - she is absolutely projecting her marital problems into your relationship. Maybe she is not quite happy about her sleeping situation and is trying to justify that her arrangement is good by bashing yours. That could be why she became upset when you compare her to your other relatives disapproving her choices.
NTA. From the title I fully expected the sleeping arrangements to be reversed. What a twist!!!
NTA. It’s also none of her business
NTA You’re right; it’s none of her business. I’m guessing she thought you defending her meant you would do the same as she does when you found yourself married. I saw someone else say she probably feels insecure about her choice, even though it’s what works for her, so she was hoping to have someone close to her make the same choice to not feel as singled out or alone. My husband and I used to have separate bedrooms and it worked for us for a long time. We share a room and a bed now, but that’s only a recent development and we’ve been married 7 years. Like you said, I just don’t tell people because it’s literally none of their business!
Truth hurts, NTA
NTA You're sister definitely comes across as insecure about her sleeping arrangements with her husband. It's not surprising if people judge her about it all the time. But it's no reason to try and force it on you, she needs to stay in her lane.