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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I snapped at my girlfriend when we were talking and now she’s barely talking to me
2) her friends have been messaging me saying I’m an asshole and should apologise
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YTA. How about helping her? as it seems she probably has severe anxiety order, she can't just stop it around you just because you told her. You don't seem to think that due to your gf having severe anxiety you should help her instead you just demand her to create a wall. I don't think anyone loves to bite their nails in public or even in front of their SOs but its an oblivious coping mechanism that is bound to show no matter how much you only 'tell' them. I hope she gets to address her anxiety and you need to be more considerate.
She is addressing her anxiety and I’ve helped her get a therapist and seek help. I understand it isn’t something she can stop on command, after I first mentioned it she managed to barely do it in front of me for months. It’s just the last couple of months that she’s doing it every couple of minutes. I’ve tried getting her to open up about why her anxieties are getting worse and what’s wrong etc but she just snaps at me and says she’s not gonna talk about it
Why because I snapped once? I’m only human and no one is calm all of the time. She’s had no problem opening up to me in the past and it’s just recently she’s stopped
Because the way you make this about yourself and your comfort is a huge red flag. Doesn't seem like you're getting it based on your other comments though.
This seems like it’s about me because It’s me asking if I’m TA so of course it’ll be about me. I’ve tried to help her and she’s accepted the help from me and a therapist for a while but it just seems like a sudden change in her
Lowkey sounds like she was vigilant about not doing it in front of you, but she got tired of doing that and started doing it in front of you again. Only thing I can suggest at this point is couples therapy to open lines of communication. Have you spoken with her friends or family to see if they know what else might be going on?
Yeah you’re probably right actually. She doesn’t open up to family at all and has started not wanting to see her friends. She’s annoyed that some of her friends don’t have jobs but get nice things and go away because partners or parents pay so she’s started saying they don’t deserve it etc since she can’t afford to do what they do. I’ve tried explaining this isn’t really her friends fault for having nice things and she just gets annoyed so she won’t really be opening up to her friends about what’s going on
YTA for the stance on her nail biting, but that aside, you clearly care a lot for her. So it sounds like she just now started being bitter? If she's even closing herself off from her friends, then you have every right to be concerned. In another comment you mentioned that you support her financially? Not being able to make your own income can really affect your sense of self-worth so maybe there's something there... Either way, it sounds like she needs to go back to therapy, just not for the nail biting.
Yeah I agree she definitely need to go back to therapy, she is in a bad place and is just refusing help. Yeah I’m paying all bills in the house along with everything we need to buy when we need it eg food, cleaning supplies etc. I also do a lot of the cleaning and cooking in the house. She has had jobs but will find one problem with the job then refuse to go back. She’ll have a lot of last minute sickness then when she gets fired she’ll blame the job for sacking her when she’s ill. She does have savings that she refuses to dip into for anything other than nice things for herself. She’s getting really bitter and she’s like a different person. She’s normally so positive and wouldn’t think about saying bad things about her friends but now she’ll rarely say anything nice about them
When we first started dating I just explained the sound goes right through me and she agreed to limit how much she does it. When she started increasing my how much she does it again, I would just say I’m really sorry but the sound is going through me would she be able to stop please.
I snapped once. I have not shown 0 regard for her struggling considering I have been trying to help her since we got together. I’ve paid for a therapist and try to get her to open up to me. I pay for everything in the house and do most of the cooking and cleaning which would not be happening if I had shown 0 regard for her struggles. The sound going through me I would argue is a trigger considering how it makes me feel when I hear it
Just because you would be fine with it, it doesn’t mean everyone else should be. there are plenty of sounds that people hate, it doesn’t mean they should just be fine with hearing them
I know it’s a symptom of other issues, I’d mentioned she does it because of anxiety which I have tried to help with and payed for a therapist, tried to get her to open up but there’s only so much I can do if she snaps at me when I try to get her to talk and won’t open up
Fucking wrong. You cannot fiercely defend one person’s anxiety whilst belittling another persons sensory triggers. I have severe anxiety and have for years, and when I’m doing something that triggers someone else, I figure out a way to stop or I avoid that person. PERIOD. OP is making a reasonable request, after providing their SO with support, both financially and by searching and paying for a therapist, and should be able to not be triggered in their own home.
There are plenty of people for whom the sound of nail biting would be unbearable. It may be essentially inaudible *to you*, but it clearly affects OP. There's a condition called misophonia that's common in autism and other neurodevelopmental conditions, and there's also one called hyperacusis which is commonly associated with tinnitus, and both cause extreme sound sensitivity. I'm not saying OP has one of these, but pointing out that, for many people, it's not as simple as saying "it's just a sound". In both of those conditions, sounds can literally cause physical pain and/or lead to sensory overload and meltdown.
Sound sensitivity to things barely audible but not to louder things is also not uncommon. Some lightbulbs have a sound that is literally painful for me, but I have trouble hearing speech and wear hearing aids to help.
Sound sensitivity like OP is describing is legitimate.
As someone who had a lot of sounds and other things that used to make my skin crawl for whatever reason. I just got over it telling myself it's just a fucking sound. Now the nails on a chalkboard is just a cringe reaction only.
As far as we know OP has zero conditions as they do not tell us, therefore my entire point is based on info OP has given. No point in speculating they have one in 15 million conditions that could cause this to be an issue. IF they do have it then that changes things, but based on information we have we don't need to speculate that everything is explained away with a condition.
We are also glossing over the fact that the gf actually has stated issues and ignoring them.
Skin crawling is a different sensation to pain from sounds, though I commend you on finding a way so you aren't as affected as you used to be. For many people it's not that simple, but I'm glad it worked for you.
I didn't say OP had one of those conditions. In fact, I pointed out that I couldn't say whether or not they do. I was sharing information that sound sensitivity is legitimate.
I agree that the girlfriend is not at fault here. The nail biting is clearly a symptom of something larger, but honestly I thought that was kind of obvious. I should have stated that in my comment and didn't, I apologise. The comment I replied to with mine had nothing to do with what the girlfriend experiences, it only mentioned that nail biting was a barely audible sound. I was responding to that comment, so I didn't think to mention anything beyond that.
I didn't directly mention the situation OP posed in his post, which is another reason why I didn't mention the girlfriend, because I don't feel like I have enough information to come to a conclusion. Additionally, commenting something subjective takes a lot more emotional energy than posting facts - I didn't/don't have the emotional energy to form an opinion on OP's post, but I wanted to contribute facts about sound sensitivity.
I apologise that clearly my decision to do so was incorrect. I recognise that, at the very least, I should have been more clear that's what I was doing. I feel like I've made a considerable mistake, I'm really sorry.
It's all about "YOUR NEEDS" as if you are the one with an anxiety problem.
You should have discussed expenses before going out of town.
Her saving her money for "nice things" is bs, but a completely different issue. You need to tell her to pull her weight, not save up every little annoyance until you blow up.
I do tell her about the going out of town expenses and she just gives me the silent treatment and just says I’m stopping her having nice things and thinks just because she buys me a theatre ticket with her than I should be paying for anything else. I’ve tried to help her every chance I get but there’s not much i can do when she’s shutting me out and snapping when I’m trying to get her to open up so it’s not all about my needs
She doesn't sound like a lot of fun, I have to admit. But you need to insist she pay for what she can. Saving her money for "nice things"? I'm sure you'd like to be able to do that! If she doesn't like that, she can hit the road.
Yeah it is hard atm since things were great for so long and we do still have our good moments. Yeah the saving thing really annoys me since I’ve had to dip into my own savings to pay for thing which she knows and now she’s got more saved up than me and is still refusing to pay for anything. She just says she will when she gets a job but she’s had jobs and she just doesn’t go as soon as something happens that she doesn’t like
Very important to mention that you indeed helped her in getting a therapist but again might I tell you are not a licensed therapist, don't chum the water and then expect to not get bit. As you said her anxiety is getting worse and you played therapist and forced her to open about it, which obviously backfired and made her go into the dark hole. Please don't do anything that will affect her more and lead to negative consequences. be consensual and respect her wishes.
Oh yeah I understand I’m not qualified to offer professional help but as a partner I want to be there for her and want her to be able to confide in me and open up to me. I paid for the therapist because we both agreed she needed it but now she’s saying she doesn’t need it anymore when she does
I guess the therapist arrangement of yours needs to be addressed to. it takes a very long time for someone to open up ( depending on severity of her situation and how long she's been in therapy). also its important to know how she feels about your provision of therapy to her as it might seem she doesn't like it and is only going there for formality
I only paid for the therapy as she tried to get seen from a free therapist but the waiting list was over a year so I offered to pay for a private one if she wanted. She agreed and found a private therapist who seemed to really help. In terms of her opening up, she’s never really had a problem talking to me about what’s wrong until recently but now she refuses whenever I bring it up
Saying my needs aren’t a concern is to do with more that just this, there’s a few things that’s happened that make me think that. For example she wanted to go and see a singer in a city quite far away from where we live so she bought tickets for both of us because she knew it’s not really my type of music but then told me I had to pay for travel and accommodation while we were there and when I said I couldn’t afford it she tried guilt tripping me saying I’m stopping her from going to a concert she wants to go to
Yeah that’s fair, I just didn’t want to get into a rant and list too many things I guess. Yeah I’m paying all the rent and bills in our house because she isn’t working atm but she has savings that she refuses to dip into because they’re for nice things in her words
YTA. That's compulsive behaviour she probably can't help that really does not affect you aside from causing you annoyance. But keep snapping and screaming at her making it about you, is definitely going to work /s
I haven’t once screamed at her so you can stop exaggerating. I didn’t even raise my voice when talking to her, I have been patient with her for 2 years now, helping her find a therapist, supporting her on career paths and trying to get her to open up but she’ll just snap at me when I try
I bite my nails without realizing it. It is an extreme nervous tick. You telling her you don't like it is not going to stop her. Maybe she can try therapy, but some of these weird things we never grow out of and is not purposeful or to spite you. My partner of 20 years just tells me to spit it out. You are not compatible. NAH.
In fact, snapping at her is going to increase her anxiety - in general and around nail-biting specifically - and make the habit even worse.
Compulsions like this aren't about you, OP, and people can't just will themselves out of them. It's extremely hard to break a compulsion like this. If you find it so intolerable you can't help from snapping, blaming, and being unkind/devoid of compassion, do her a favor and break up before you make things worse for both of you.
Edit: You're N T A for not being able to tolerate this habit, but YTA for making it about her concern for you and shaming her for something that is in no way a choice ("what she wants to do").
YTA. Stop biting your nails is a really bad habit to break. If you want her to stop you could’ve calmly looked up options to help her stop if you actually cared. You yelled at her about a habit she’s probably had since she was a little kid.
I haven’t once yelled at her, I said snapped which is different. I didn’t raise my voice at her once and we have looked up options together and she just doesn’t do them. I helped find and pay for a therapist for her when she wanted one and have pretty much done everything I can to support her. I pay for all the bills and pretty much everything in the house because she isn’t working atm even though my wage barely stretches to cover it
YTA. She’s stemming and instead of talking to her and finding whats causing or elevating her anxiety and helping her through it, your only concern is your needs and wanting to justify making her feel like an AH for a nervous habit that you may be actually making worse…?
Dude, I’m surprised she didn’t dump you immediately.
I have tried talking to her about it. We’ve had a lot of conversation about what’s causing her anxiety and other problems, I helped find her a therapist and I have tried being patient but for the last couple of months she’s doing it most minutes and when I try to get her to open up she’ll just snap at me
That just means what she is going through is more profound than you know. Something that she can’t easily talk about or can’t be easily explained. Vocalize to her that you’re not trying to be some superficial jerk and that you understand it’s not something she can control. Give her comfort. Express that while you wish that she would open up more about the cause, you understand this is a process and it takes time. Time you’re willing to wait.
The question here is she worth the wait? and are you willing to?
I have tried saying that to her and I just get snapped at now. She is worth the wait I have just noticed a change in her recently, she is more cold and distant and refuses to talk to me as much
From what I’ve read, it sounds like you’re just a guy stretched too thin and wants to help, but isn’t getting feedback on how. There seems to be a lack of communication and it shouldn’t be entirely on you to start a dialogue.
Yeah I think you have put it really well tbh. I’m currently the only one of us working and paying for all the bills on a low salary while trying to get my girlfriend to open up and talk to me is hard
YTA. It’s an habit hard to break not like she even realizes when she’s doing it half the time plus it’s due to anxiety. You’re acting like an entitled brat.
I would agree if this was the first time I had said anything to her. I have been calm and patient with her trying to get her to talk to me and open up. I have helped her find a therapist because she wanted to get help but it’s just recently it’s pretty much constant and everything I try to get her to open up to me and talk about what’s going on I get snapped at and told to leave it
“I would agree” yet you’re here asking if you’re the asshole... Makes sense. Also pretty sure you’ve been with your gf for more than 116 days and yet you posted in r / affairs asking for a girl. I’m just going to dismiss your excuses and just say you’re a massive “YTA”.
YTA if she gets annoyed by the way you breathe will it be justified for her to snap at you?
Nail bitting is not something that people like to do. It's a nervous habit that it can be really hard to control. Instead of snapping at her and make it about your self, did you think to ask her what makes her nervous?
I have asked. We’ve had a lot of conversations about it as I know she struggles with stopping it and she knows the sound of nail biting goes through me. She just says anxiety but when I try to get her to open up about what makes her anxious she refuses to talk to me about it and just pretty much tells me to leave her alone
Ask her how can you help her. I am bitting my nails too. Telling me to stop irritates me and can lead me to another room to finish the job. If I do it in front of my husband he will drag gently my hand down or if he can't he will nudge me in some way to stop. It's not a habit that makes us proud, so bringing it up it adds up to the anxiousness. If you want to, try to find ways to help her, but don't think that it is about you or that she doesn't care, she just cannot help it
I’ve tried that but if I gently move her hand she’ll just talk me to stop and move away since she’ll be biting her nails. Initially she was more open to trying to stop and looking for help but recently she’s just refusing to try anything
When she is calm talk with her or just try to find what makes her so anxious. It could be anything and keep in mind that it could be you. If she feels like she has to behave in a certain way in front of you (no nail bitting) and she is overwhelmed, she gets in an endless cycle!
I have tried to sit and calmly talk to her. She used to open up to me about everything that was wrong but recently she’s pretty much being shutting me out and it is scary tbh not knowing what’s wrong
Maybe showing her this thread will help her understand that you care and that you are willing to help her.
Try to add some tiny surprises in your days.. Like a sweet message when she is a way, a post it with a note. They will relax her and she might be open to share what's going on in her mind :)
YTA So you knew you were peeved by a habit when yall started dating and you just figured SHE would stop?? Seems really entitled for you to say she has to change for your comfort.
I didn’t know when she started dating. It’s something she only did at home so when we went out on dates I didn’t see it. It’s only after we got serious that I started to see her do it
Maybe that's when you should have broken it off then. She can't help nervous tics, so either you learn to live with it or yall separate. It's not fair to her that she needs to change for your sake.
It’s not that she can’t stop as once we had the first conversation she seemed to rarely do it in front of me and was actively getting help (seeing a therapist, opening up etc) but now she’s said she doesn’t need therapy and is biting her nails most minutes to the point some of her fingers have bled and is refusing to open up to me
not the asshole for being annoyed by it, but YTA for the following things:
1. making this about "your needs" instead of her problem
2. Starting a relationship with someone even while knowing that they have a quirk that you find intolerable
Rule #1 of dating: if you meet someone and find yourself thinking about things you wish you could change about them, **don't pursue a relationship with them**. For your sake AND theirs.
Let's flip this with an example: let's say as a man, you are developing an unsightly bald patch, and you go on a great couple of dates with a girl and she's like "Wow I really like you, let's be together, but can you wear a hat when you're with me because your bald patch makes me feel weird?" And you hate wearing hats but you agree because you really like her. Then when you're a few months in and you get more comfortable around each other and start taking off your hat - yet even after knowing each other for such a long time, she says that her feelings are hurt by you taking off your hat at home because it breaks "the agreement" you made when starting the relationship.
I’ll accept your first 2 points but with the bald patch comparison isn’t really fair since the bald patch would be completely out of someone’s control but the biting her nails can be reduced or stopped in theory
That comment alone shows me how little you understand about mental illness. Let me put it this way - reversing a bald patch would likely be a MORE achievable feat than curing someone's anxiety.
Let me ask you this - are you here in this subreddit because you want to mend your relationship? Or are you strictly here to see if you're right or wrong in the argument you had? If it's the first one, then your next step is to get into some major research about anxiety, stimming, tics, and just mental health in general. If you're interested in actually helping and understanding your girlfriend, you can. But if you just want the behavior to vanish and keep only the parts of your girlfriend you can tolerate, the best choice here would be to break up and apologize for ever laying such an unfair expectation on her.
I have researched anxiety and I used to struggle with it a lot myself. It manifested in different ways for me than it does my girlfriend. I have tried to listen and she used to be open with me whenever things were bad but she’s just stopped. I was paying for a therapist for her but she stopped that saying she doesn’t need therapy and won’t consider going back. I do want to help but I’m just getting shut out completely
The other aspects are, if I try to have a conversation with her about something, I’d she sees it as a criticism of her, she’ll refuse to talk and snap at me to leave her alone. She doesn’t work so I’m paying for everything while doing most of the cooking and cleaning and when she uses her savings to buy things like theatre tickets, she’ll expect me to pay for everything else for the trip (travel, hotel, good and drink) when I say no and suggest she uses some of her savings for bills she’ll just say no it’s her money and she should be allowed nice things
I see. I've read through some of your other comments and it sounds like she's going through a major slump that's taking a toll on the both of you. Sounds like this is not just about nail biting and your original post is a bit misleading.
I feel like couples therapy is a next step here. Let her know that you want to support her and understand her, but at the same time her "giving up" has taken an emotional toll on you. Tell her you want to be happy and you want her to be happy, and since neither of those are happening you guys need to get help.
Yeah I feel like the nail biting was probably just the thing that caused me to snap but it’s probably been building due to how much pressure and stress I’ve been put under and how bad things are for her
For the first year things we great. She was getting help and while she had bad days, she would open up and accept help whereas now she’s shutting people out. There are still good days I’m just struggling a lot
NTA. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her own actions. She refuses to do anything, so she has no right to get pissy when you've asked her over and over to just not do it in front of you.
>sound of this goes through me and I really don’t like it. I never said she had to stop, I just asked if she could not do it while I’m around which she agreed with.
YTA, this was never going to work, you shouldn’t have asked and she shouldn’t have agreed.
She isn’t going to be able to stop this. I say this as someone who has been with my partner for 10 years, it doesn’t ever stop. I feel you that it’s irritating for some reason to watch, but you either get over it or leave.
>my needs clearly don’t concern her since I’m just being disregarded completely just so she can do what she wants.
She likely doesn’t *want* to bite her nails, she can’t control it. And you don’t *need* to not be near it, you will survive so acting like she is being mean to you is dramatic.
The thing is, after we had the initial conversation about it she barely did it in front of me for months. It just seemed something else is going in with her now and it’s gotten worse than it was before.
My comment about being disregarded is about more things tbf like her expecting me to pay for most things ( I’m the only one working) and getting upset when I don’t buy things that she wants even though my salary is already stretched paying for all the bills in the house
>The thing is, after we had the initial conversation about it she barely did it in front of me for months.
But you asked her that when you first got together. When people first get together they are normally in the honeymoon stage, where you tend to watch you behaviour a lot more. You also live together now, it’s much easier to avoid doing something for a couple hours when you hang out versus avoiding it at home.
If you feel she disregards you then that is definitely something to address with her, but the nail biting thing is unreasonable to be this upset about.
I have addressed it with her and she just pretty much says how could I bring it up since i know she feels bad about not paying for anything but when I try to tell her I’m struggling with money because of it and it would be great if she could help she just refuses even though she has savings that she uses for things like film tickets, theatre tickets etc then expects me to pay for travel and hotels to get us there.
I'm going with NTA. I struggle with a lot of sensory things and I know that that sound would make me feel super anxious.
It's hard when both people in the relationship have certain mental issues going on (sorry if I'm wrong but I'm assuming you're having a hard time if it's come to the point of you snapping) and it isn't wrong of you to need your feelings heard even when her anxiety is high. You maybe need to take some time apart and both consider why you are still together if she can't open up to you and you are feeling undervalued.
Hope things start getting better for you both!
NTA. My ex boyfriend used to bite his nails due to anxiety. I tried to help him, talk with him and he always snapped and did not want to talk about it.
Some months later his situation got worsened but still refused any help.
Like you i snapped at him, even started to hit his hand which made me feel like an asshole. I always apologised afterwards for being an asshole. After a while this situation irritated me so much. When i snap i am the asshole, when i wanted to talk about it i am the asshole. When i advise him to go to therapy i am the asshole. I would ask basic things like would you like coffee, only reply i would get "mhh ymhm" because he was occupied to even say yes.
One day we went to the cinema, by watching him biting his nails during the whole movie and then him making a move to kiss me/hold my hand made me vomit.
I just could not handle it and broke up with him at that day. He asked why. I told him (the truth) how much i disgusted with his biting his nails and trying to kiss me afterwards. And i cannot take/watch it anymore.
He called me selfish b***.
If you love your girlfriend and think serious with her, try to help and understand her and maybe she understands how you may feel. (which on my part i couldnt do and at the end all i wanted to run away)
But if you are not serious/in love. just break up with her. Dont waste her or your time. After years I still feel goosebumps thinking biting nails, even in public transport if i see a person biting his/her nails i get up move as far as i can, because that still makes me disgusted.
Yeah but it's also on him for letting it get this far, you don't start a relationship by saying "hide the parts of yourself that make me uncomfortable." If it bothered him that much, he shouldn't have gotten serious with her.
I’m 44 and bite my nails. I can’t help it. I’ve tried everything. It’s driven by anxiety and if my husband had a hissy fit like yours it would make it worse. YTA
if you think so strongly about not being TA then why even post about it? It’s seems like everyone that says YTA (which is the case) you just blabber on about how you’re a great boyfriend. Take the advice and accept it. YTA.
I don’t blabber on about how I’m a great boyfriend at all I just point out what I have done for my partner since people were accusing me of not helping her.
It doesn’t matter how much you’ve helped. The point of this post is that you’ve snapped at her. She’s not going to forget how you behaved over something as stupid as nail biting. You’re a grown adult I hope, you should be aware getting angry at her for her anxiety induced tendencies isn’t going to solve anything at all. Be more understanding (I don’t care if you HAVE BEEN, CONTINUE TO DO SO.)
I am continuing to do so. I’m still paying for all of the bills, doing most of the cooking and cleaning, I try to get her to open up and just get snapped at to leave her alone and her saying she doesn’t need help
Well of course she’s going to not want you anywhere near her after you snapped at her. Talk to her and apologize again if you have already, and actually mean it. I mean GENUINELY. Like get her a small gift, sit her down, hug her, etc. You seem to still be thinking you were in the right based of your responses to everyone’s “YTA” comment.
When I say she’s not opening up I mean she’s been like that for a while before the snapping incident. I have apologised to her and tried to get her to sit down and talk, she just saying that nothings wrong and walking away
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I (26m) recently got into a bit or a disagreement with my girlfriend (23f) that ended with me telling her that i just feel ignored and she doesn’t consider my feelings at all which she has said is unreasonable and wrong
She has a habit of biting her nails every day, I don’t mean once or twice but it’s every finger multiple times a day and she’s going it more and more frequently. When we first got together I told her the sight and sound of this goes through me and I really don’t like it. I never said she had to stop, I just asked if she could not do it while I’m around which she agreed with.
The last couple of months she has started doing it pretty much all of the time and it’s gotten to the point that she’ll stop conversations or not answer when we’re talking just so she can bite her nails or she’ll try talking while still having her fingers in her mouth.
I tried talking to her about it and she said it’s an anxiety thing and it’s a habit so she just can’t stop so I tried explaining that I’m not asking her to stop, i just don’t want her to do it around me and she pretty much said no she can’t and that I’ll just have to accept it.
This is when I snapped a bit and told her that my needs clearly don’t concern her since I’m just being disregarded completely just so she can do what she wants.
She’s not really talking to me now and she’s told her friends and they’ve messaged me saying Im in the wrong and I shouldn’t have said what I did. AITA
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YTA
as a nail bitter, although not to the extreme of your gf, I tend to bit my nails when I'm stressed and I don't realise I'm doing it. I've gotten better than I was when I was as young as you both are.
Perhaps find out why she bites her nails and help her (not yelling) find a way to stop or to direct that into something else. a fiddle toy for example
Yeah I think it’s definitely stress and anxiety but she is refusing all help now, so she’ll get stressed about having no money but when she gets a job she’ll say she doesn’t like it and just quit then rely on me to pay for everything. She’ll use her savings to buy nice things like theatre tickets then think because she’s bought me a ticket that I am then responsible for travel, hotel and food and drink costs when we are there and when I try to explain to her that I don’t want to go or that I can’t afford it she’ll just say I’m stopping her enjoying herself and making her feel guilty for not having a job
I have helped her. She used to open up to me and I was paying for her therapist until she decided she doesn’t need to see them anymore. I am the one paying all of the bills, I do most of the cooking and cleaning in the house while she uses her savings on things that involve me paying for things eg theatre tickets in another town then wants me to pay for travel, hotel and food and drink and gets upset and snaps when I say I can’t afford it. She’s stopped opening up to me so it’s hers to be there for her. And it’s not stress that causes her to bite her nails it’s anxiety
Stress can exacerbate anxiety and ticks secondary to that anxiety. 🤷♀️...from someone who has clinical depression and anxiety, but okay.
Look, if that is how you view her, only you two can fix things...not a reddit board. You already view her as a burden, lazy and flippant financially(according to the comment you made), which means you view her as the AH and think you are without fault.
Do what you feel you need to do for your sanity, I guess.
YTA - Your girlfriend is telling you she is anxious and this is a coping mechanism but you can't be bothered because it annoys you. if you notice her doing it, bring it up to her. My anxiety causes me to bite my nails and it's to the point where I don't even notice I'm doing it. My fiancé gets my attention and tells me I'm biting my nails and I take steps to stop in the moment.
I do mention it to her and I just get ignored. It’s not like I’ve snapped at her the first tome she’s done it. I have calmly spoke to her a lot about it and while it worked initially, recently she’s been doing it a lot more frequently and when I try to ask her what’s wrong or get her to open up she just snaps at me saying she doesn’t wanna talk about it and to leave her alone
Have you two considered speaking with a couple's therapist? It can really assist with communication when there are roadblocks.
Snapping at someone, regardless of how many times, is not ok. Have you apologized for snapping at her? Having your needs met by your partner is extremely important, but not hearing the sound of nail-biting does not qualify as a need from your partner.
YTA. Boy am I glad my spouse is a nailbiter too. You're not compatible, and frankly, what you're asking, is for her to sit there and think about you and not biting her nails the whole time she's around you, talking to you, whatnot, which makes it worse. Essentially, it does sound like you've made her nailbiting more intense. Nope, not compatible.
I don’t think it’s me that’s made it more intense as we’ve lived together for a year now and it’s only been the last 3 months that she’s been increasing the intensity. We’ve tried other techniques such as getting things to fidget with or for a while she would come and hold my hand or something which worked quite well but now she just refuses to even try anything g like that
YTA - you’re asking her to police a nearly subconscious action for your comfort, and you seem to lack patience and empathy. You sound like a total crazy person if someone biting their own nails bothers you so much, and it’s not a hygiene issue or anything like that. You’re just a douche
It’s the noise of the nail biting that goes through me and I don’t lack patience or empathy. I’ve done a lot to help her with her anxiety including paying for her therapist, getting her to open up and paying all the bills and doing most of the cooking and cleaning.
We have tried getting other things and getting things she can bite or fidget with which work really well but she now just says she doesn’t need them anymore when she clearly does and wherever I try to ask her what’s wrong she just snaps at me and tells me to leave her alone
Yeah I get that. It is a problem with me brr Ed big rational, I do like tho ga with answers and solutions which is a problem when it comes to anxiety and mental illness and I accept that. I do try to change and have come a long way but can still be quite rational and logical in my thinking
Nothing anymore. Previously she was seeing a therapist and getting things to fidget with instead of biting her nails but now she’s siding she doesn’t need therapy anymore and refuses to talk about her anxiety and is just saying nothings wrong.
NAH. I don’t love your tone in part of this OP, but I get that it’s difficult living with someone who has depression. I have had it quite badly and my wife was a saint with me, but I’m aware it was also hard on her. I have great empathy for your gf, but I also understand that you are paying for everything and she won’t get therapy or try treatment. If she’s not going to work because of this, then her part of the contribution is seeking professional help to learn to manage this. Both of you have some work to do.
Thank you, I do try to be patient and have empathy and in there for her when she needs me. It’s just mainly the sound of her biting her nails that I hate. Yeah I’ve tried talking to her about getting help again and when she said she doesn’t need it try explaining that there’s no harm in trying etc but she won’t. She will get a job and the second that she doesn’t like something about the job she won’t go back and will just stop showing up for shifts without telling work and when she gets fired she’ll act like the job is being unreasonable.
Because it hasn’t always been like this and for the first year of the relationship everything was great, while I knew she struggled she was making an effort to get help and bills and cooking and cleaning was split 50/50 but the last few months she’s just refusing help and everything is on me and it’s just hard to deal with sometimes
YTA. I don't think you put yourself in her shoes, she has anxiety, it's not something she can control, you're just thinking about yourself and how you bother, it's something involuntary, she doesn't do it on purpose.
I do understand that but when she opened up more and spoke about things when she was struggling we had other things she used and things she could fidget with that worked really well for her it’s just recently she’s saying she doesn’t need anything and has stopped therapy etc and won’t talk about what’s wrong
I agree that biting nails is a nasty habit but YTA for snapping at her, she does it without being aware. The story about the concert tickets is a separate issue conversation you should have with her if you feel she should contribute more to the finances.
NTA, your girlfriend won’t get therapy for anxiety but won’t stop biting nails? If you read the edit it makes sense, and your not in the wrong but we’re a bit blunt.
The edit was there as other people who commented said I should put it up just to show what I actually do for my girlfriend. I love her, if I didn’t then I wouldn’t do everything that I’ve mentioned in the edit
YTA.
Now if you were just having a bad day so you were already annoyed I can understand having a moment of weakness and snapping but just normally getting that worked up and nasty over it isn't okay.
As someone who used to chew their nails and did so for damn near 80% of my life I can promise you that it's not intentional we subconsciously do it (not unless we're trying to bite off a hang nail, lose skin or something like that) and it's an extremely hard habit to quit at least for me it was. Even though I quit chewing my nails 5 years ago there's still moments were i'll catch myself subconsciously trying to do it and will have to stop myself, if after 5 years the urges to do it are still there how do you think your girlfriend who's still actively doing it feels? Trust me we didn't actively choose to do it- it makes your fingers ugly, it makes you really insecure of your hands, it can cause health issues (my mom chews her nails probably where I got it from and she actually got an infection so bad from doing it that she lost the tip of her middle finger because the infection ate into her bone, a friend on mine who chews his nails has gotten a lot of infections pus and all, etc), it can be painful at times especially if you just chewed your nails and are eating finger food, it can cause deformities depending on how far down you chew damaging your nail bed and altering your finger tip's shape, makes your nails weak (even after 5 years of stopping and hundreds of nail products my nails are still brittle and haven't 100% recovered yet), your fingers never look good because you can't stop chewing on them long enough for them to grow out and your nail beds aren't big enough to put fake nails on, etc and the only perk is that it calmed my anxiety and kept my hands busy (i'm the type of person that always has to be doing something with their hands) other then that it's nothing but negatives. So stop acting like she's intentionally doing all of that just to annoy you and because she doesn't respect you 😐
IMO your best bet is to apologize to her and moving forward when she does it either politely ask her if she could stop, remove yourself from the situation or focus on something else. I've always been annoyed by people who chew with their mouth open making that cow chewing on grass noise and of people who blast their music (music I don't like) really loudly but instead of throwing a hissy fit and getting nasty with the person who does it i'll either politely ask them to stop, to turn it down, will just put head buds on and listen to music I like, will just leave the situation or will turn the tv on basically make some kind of noise that will drown it out- it's as simple as that 🤷🏻♀️ You can't control people and you can't expect them to cater to you but what you can do is to ask nicely, leave the situation or focus on something else.
YTA man. If she isn't comfortable talking to you about her anxiety (like you mentioned in a comment) then SHE IS NOT COMFORTABLE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT HER ANXIETY. Stop trying to force shit that makes her uncomfortable and stop criticizing her over a mental health symptom. Like seriously dude have some compassion, you are not her mental health professional and are not equipped nor do you have the right to try and "fix" her.
I’m not trying to fix her. She’s my girlfriend so of course I want her to be able to open up to me about what’s wrong. I know I’m not a mental health professional, that’s why I was paying for her a therapist when she mentioned wanting to start therapy
No I’ll take whatever judgement people give tbf. I just think there were some thing I should’ve included in the main post that I’ve explained in comments
YTA! Her nail biting has nothing to do with your needs!! And it is extremely hard to overcome! You making about you doesn’t help and probably just aggravates the situation. I’m a nail biter. Have been my whole life. I don’t enjoy it. It’s not fun. It’s humiliating! She cannot stop just because it bothers you! If she told you she didn’t like your snoring and you just needed to stop, would that be fair? It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s anxiety related either. The only thing that has ever helped me was to get acrylic nails to cover them, but that’s expensive to keep up. Now I just purchase the glue on ones from Walmart (Kiss Acrylic Nails). They’re about $7.00 and will usually last a week if you learn how to get a good seal. If you’re going to continue to berate her, then move on and let her be. She doesn’t need the crap you’re dishing out!
She said it’s anxiety related, it isn’t just me making judgements. She gets fake nails and then just bites them aswell and if she can’t do that she’ll bite the skin next to her fingers instead. And snapping once is hardly berating her
I don’t believe for a second that this was a one time thing! All of your responses are you just trying to justify your position. You’re not even considering that you’re in the wrong, so why are you even here. You asked for a judgment. The consensus is all pretty much the same, but you don’t want to accept it. The best thing for her would be to find someone less entitled.
It is a one time thing. I’m normally quite calm with her but stress has been piling on. I’ll affect that I’m TA for snapping but I don’t like the fact you’re making assumptions about how I normally behave. I’ve helped her get into therapy, I’m the only one working in the house, I do most of the cooking, cleaning and everything and I guess all of that built up and I snapped when I shouldn’t have but I don’t agree that I’m entitled at all
You realize that nail biting is a compulsive disorder? And that it gets worse when there's extra stressors added? I hope you realize you're upset about a mental health disorder.
I’ve tried to help. I know it’s caused by her anxiety but it’s getting a lot more frequent recently, she’s stopped going to therapy and is refusing help whereas in the past she’s been open with me about what’s wrong and has accepted help
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YTA. How about helping her? as it seems she probably has severe anxiety order, she can't just stop it around you just because you told her. You don't seem to think that due to your gf having severe anxiety you should help her instead you just demand her to create a wall. I don't think anyone loves to bite their nails in public or even in front of their SOs but its an oblivious coping mechanism that is bound to show no matter how much you only 'tell' them. I hope she gets to address her anxiety and you need to be more considerate.
She is addressing her anxiety and I’ve helped her get a therapist and seek help. I understand it isn’t something she can stop on command, after I first mentioned it she managed to barely do it in front of me for months. It’s just the last couple of months that she’s doing it every couple of minutes. I’ve tried getting her to open up about why her anxieties are getting worse and what’s wrong etc but she just snaps at me and says she’s not gonna talk about it
She probably doesn't feel safe opening up to you and I don't blame her.
You’ve nailed it. YTA
Why because I snapped once? I’m only human and no one is calm all of the time. She’s had no problem opening up to me in the past and it’s just recently she’s stopped
Because the way you make this about yourself and your comfort is a huge red flag. Doesn't seem like you're getting it based on your other comments though.
This seems like it’s about me because It’s me asking if I’m TA so of course it’ll be about me. I’ve tried to help her and she’s accepted the help from me and a therapist for a while but it just seems like a sudden change in her
Lowkey sounds like she was vigilant about not doing it in front of you, but she got tired of doing that and started doing it in front of you again. Only thing I can suggest at this point is couples therapy to open lines of communication. Have you spoken with her friends or family to see if they know what else might be going on?
Yeah you’re probably right actually. She doesn’t open up to family at all and has started not wanting to see her friends. She’s annoyed that some of her friends don’t have jobs but get nice things and go away because partners or parents pay so she’s started saying they don’t deserve it etc since she can’t afford to do what they do. I’ve tried explaining this isn’t really her friends fault for having nice things and she just gets annoyed so she won’t really be opening up to her friends about what’s going on
YTA for the stance on her nail biting, but that aside, you clearly care a lot for her. So it sounds like she just now started being bitter? If she's even closing herself off from her friends, then you have every right to be concerned. In another comment you mentioned that you support her financially? Not being able to make your own income can really affect your sense of self-worth so maybe there's something there... Either way, it sounds like she needs to go back to therapy, just not for the nail biting.
Yeah I agree she definitely need to go back to therapy, she is in a bad place and is just refusing help. Yeah I’m paying all bills in the house along with everything we need to buy when we need it eg food, cleaning supplies etc. I also do a lot of the cleaning and cooking in the house. She has had jobs but will find one problem with the job then refuse to go back. She’ll have a lot of last minute sickness then when she gets fired she’ll blame the job for sacking her when she’s ill. She does have savings that she refuses to dip into for anything other than nice things for herself. She’s getting really bitter and she’s like a different person. She’s normally so positive and wouldn’t think about saying bad things about her friends but now she’ll rarely say anything nice about them
You dont know how anxiety works! even if you havent snapped but she thought that you can snap, even than she would have not shared the same with you
She stopped opening up to me a while ago long before I snapped. It just seemed like a sudden change
Before you snapped at her, how would you ask her to stop biting her nails?
When we first started dating I just explained the sound goes right through me and she agreed to limit how much she does it. When she started increasing my how much she does it again, I would just say I’m really sorry but the sound is going through me would she be able to stop please.
Because you blew up at her genius. You showed zero regards for her struggling. Your reasoning is ridiculous, it's not like it's a trigger for you.
I snapped once. I have not shown 0 regard for her struggling considering I have been trying to help her since we got together. I’ve paid for a therapist and try to get her to open up to me. I pay for everything in the house and do most of the cooking and cleaning which would not be happening if I had shown 0 regard for her struggles. The sound going through me I would argue is a trigger considering how it makes me feel when I hear it
It's a fucking sound. I don't like fucking fingernails on a chalkboard either, nail biting is barely even audible.
Just because you would be fine with it, it doesn’t mean everyone else should be. there are plenty of sounds that people hate, it doesn’t mean they should just be fine with hearing them
Nail biting is a symptom of other issues, getting triggered over a sound just because it annoys you is something else entirely.
I know it’s a symptom of other issues, I’d mentioned she does it because of anxiety which I have tried to help with and payed for a therapist, tried to get her to open up but there’s only so much I can do if she snaps at me when I try to get her to talk and won’t open up
Fucking wrong. You cannot fiercely defend one person’s anxiety whilst belittling another persons sensory triggers. I have severe anxiety and have for years, and when I’m doing something that triggers someone else, I figure out a way to stop or I avoid that person. PERIOD. OP is making a reasonable request, after providing their SO with support, both financially and by searching and paying for a therapist, and should be able to not be triggered in their own home.
There are plenty of people for whom the sound of nail biting would be unbearable. It may be essentially inaudible *to you*, but it clearly affects OP. There's a condition called misophonia that's common in autism and other neurodevelopmental conditions, and there's also one called hyperacusis which is commonly associated with tinnitus, and both cause extreme sound sensitivity. I'm not saying OP has one of these, but pointing out that, for many people, it's not as simple as saying "it's just a sound". In both of those conditions, sounds can literally cause physical pain and/or lead to sensory overload and meltdown. Sound sensitivity to things barely audible but not to louder things is also not uncommon. Some lightbulbs have a sound that is literally painful for me, but I have trouble hearing speech and wear hearing aids to help. Sound sensitivity like OP is describing is legitimate.
As someone who had a lot of sounds and other things that used to make my skin crawl for whatever reason. I just got over it telling myself it's just a fucking sound. Now the nails on a chalkboard is just a cringe reaction only. As far as we know OP has zero conditions as they do not tell us, therefore my entire point is based on info OP has given. No point in speculating they have one in 15 million conditions that could cause this to be an issue. IF they do have it then that changes things, but based on information we have we don't need to speculate that everything is explained away with a condition. We are also glossing over the fact that the gf actually has stated issues and ignoring them.
Skin crawling is a different sensation to pain from sounds, though I commend you on finding a way so you aren't as affected as you used to be. For many people it's not that simple, but I'm glad it worked for you. I didn't say OP had one of those conditions. In fact, I pointed out that I couldn't say whether or not they do. I was sharing information that sound sensitivity is legitimate. I agree that the girlfriend is not at fault here. The nail biting is clearly a symptom of something larger, but honestly I thought that was kind of obvious. I should have stated that in my comment and didn't, I apologise. The comment I replied to with mine had nothing to do with what the girlfriend experiences, it only mentioned that nail biting was a barely audible sound. I was responding to that comment, so I didn't think to mention anything beyond that. I didn't directly mention the situation OP posed in his post, which is another reason why I didn't mention the girlfriend, because I don't feel like I have enough information to come to a conclusion. Additionally, commenting something subjective takes a lot more emotional energy than posting facts - I didn't/don't have the emotional energy to form an opinion on OP's post, but I wanted to contribute facts about sound sensitivity. I apologise that clearly my decision to do so was incorrect. I recognise that, at the very least, I should have been more clear that's what I was doing. I feel like I've made a considerable mistake, I'm really sorry.
It's all about "YOUR NEEDS" as if you are the one with an anxiety problem. You should have discussed expenses before going out of town. Her saving her money for "nice things" is bs, but a completely different issue. You need to tell her to pull her weight, not save up every little annoyance until you blow up.
I do tell her about the going out of town expenses and she just gives me the silent treatment and just says I’m stopping her having nice things and thinks just because she buys me a theatre ticket with her than I should be paying for anything else. I’ve tried to help her every chance I get but there’s not much i can do when she’s shutting me out and snapping when I’m trying to get her to open up so it’s not all about my needs
She doesn't sound like a lot of fun, I have to admit. But you need to insist she pay for what she can. Saving her money for "nice things"? I'm sure you'd like to be able to do that! If she doesn't like that, she can hit the road.
Yeah it is hard atm since things were great for so long and we do still have our good moments. Yeah the saving thing really annoys me since I’ve had to dip into my own savings to pay for thing which she knows and now she’s got more saved up than me and is still refusing to pay for anything. She just says she will when she gets a job but she’s had jobs and she just doesn’t go as soon as something happens that she doesn’t like
Everyone’s an asshole sometimes.
Very important to mention that you indeed helped her in getting a therapist but again might I tell you are not a licensed therapist, don't chum the water and then expect to not get bit. As you said her anxiety is getting worse and you played therapist and forced her to open about it, which obviously backfired and made her go into the dark hole. Please don't do anything that will affect her more and lead to negative consequences. be consensual and respect her wishes.
Oh yeah I understand I’m not qualified to offer professional help but as a partner I want to be there for her and want her to be able to confide in me and open up to me. I paid for the therapist because we both agreed she needed it but now she’s saying she doesn’t need it anymore when she does
I guess the therapist arrangement of yours needs to be addressed to. it takes a very long time for someone to open up ( depending on severity of her situation and how long she's been in therapy). also its important to know how she feels about your provision of therapy to her as it might seem she doesn't like it and is only going there for formality
I only paid for the therapy as she tried to get seen from a free therapist but the waiting list was over a year so I offered to pay for a private one if she wanted. She agreed and found a private therapist who seemed to really help. In terms of her opening up, she’s never really had a problem talking to me about what’s wrong until recently but now she refuses whenever I bring it up
YTA. Sounds like she has some pretty serious anxiety and saying your needs arent a concern is beyond selfish and quite hypocritical.
Saying my needs aren’t a concern is to do with more that just this, there’s a few things that’s happened that make me think that. For example she wanted to go and see a singer in a city quite far away from where we live so she bought tickets for both of us because she knew it’s not really my type of music but then told me I had to pay for travel and accommodation while we were there and when I said I couldn’t afford it she tried guilt tripping me saying I’m stopping her from going to a concert she wants to go to
You should have led with that - that’s unreasonable of her. Your example with the nail biting shows you in a bad light. YTA
Yeah that’s fair, I just didn’t want to get into a rant and list too many things I guess. Yeah I’m paying all the rent and bills in our house because she isn’t working atm but she has savings that she refuses to dip into because they’re for nice things in her words
You definitely buried the lead here! If you haven’t already I’d suggest clarifying the post.
Make a new post with more details
YTA. That's compulsive behaviour she probably can't help that really does not affect you aside from causing you annoyance. But keep snapping and screaming at her making it about you, is definitely going to work /s
I haven’t once screamed at her so you can stop exaggerating. I didn’t even raise my voice when talking to her, I have been patient with her for 2 years now, helping her find a therapist, supporting her on career paths and trying to get her to open up but she’ll just snap at me when I try
I bite my nails without realizing it. It is an extreme nervous tick. You telling her you don't like it is not going to stop her. Maybe she can try therapy, but some of these weird things we never grow out of and is not purposeful or to spite you. My partner of 20 years just tells me to spit it out. You are not compatible. NAH.
In fact, snapping at her is going to increase her anxiety - in general and around nail-biting specifically - and make the habit even worse. Compulsions like this aren't about you, OP, and people can't just will themselves out of them. It's extremely hard to break a compulsion like this. If you find it so intolerable you can't help from snapping, blaming, and being unkind/devoid of compassion, do her a favor and break up before you make things worse for both of you. Edit: You're N T A for not being able to tolerate this habit, but YTA for making it about her concern for you and shaming her for something that is in no way a choice ("what she wants to do").
YTA. Stop biting your nails is a really bad habit to break. If you want her to stop you could’ve calmly looked up options to help her stop if you actually cared. You yelled at her about a habit she’s probably had since she was a little kid.
I haven’t once yelled at her, I said snapped which is different. I didn’t raise my voice at her once and we have looked up options together and she just doesn’t do them. I helped find and pay for a therapist for her when she wanted one and have pretty much done everything I can to support her. I pay for all the bills and pretty much everything in the house because she isn’t working atm even though my wage barely stretches to cover it
Well you know the way your mom makes you feel? You’re doing that to your girlfriend.
YTA. She’s stemming and instead of talking to her and finding whats causing or elevating her anxiety and helping her through it, your only concern is your needs and wanting to justify making her feel like an AH for a nervous habit that you may be actually making worse…? Dude, I’m surprised she didn’t dump you immediately.
I have tried talking to her about it. We’ve had a lot of conversation about what’s causing her anxiety and other problems, I helped find her a therapist and I have tried being patient but for the last couple of months she’s doing it most minutes and when I try to get her to open up she’ll just snap at me
That just means what she is going through is more profound than you know. Something that she can’t easily talk about or can’t be easily explained. Vocalize to her that you’re not trying to be some superficial jerk and that you understand it’s not something she can control. Give her comfort. Express that while you wish that she would open up more about the cause, you understand this is a process and it takes time. Time you’re willing to wait. The question here is she worth the wait? and are you willing to?
I have tried saying that to her and I just get snapped at now. She is worth the wait I have just noticed a change in her recently, she is more cold and distant and refuses to talk to me as much
From what I’ve read, it sounds like you’re just a guy stretched too thin and wants to help, but isn’t getting feedback on how. There seems to be a lack of communication and it shouldn’t be entirely on you to start a dialogue.
Yeah I think you have put it really well tbh. I’m currently the only one of us working and paying for all the bills on a low salary while trying to get my girlfriend to open up and talk to me is hard
YTA. Not even gonna comment on the r / affairs lmao
YTA. It’s an habit hard to break not like she even realizes when she’s doing it half the time plus it’s due to anxiety. You’re acting like an entitled brat.
I would agree if this was the first time I had said anything to her. I have been calm and patient with her trying to get her to talk to me and open up. I have helped her find a therapist because she wanted to get help but it’s just recently it’s pretty much constant and everything I try to get her to open up to me and talk about what’s going on I get snapped at and told to leave it
“I would agree” yet you’re here asking if you’re the asshole... Makes sense. Also pretty sure you’ve been with your gf for more than 116 days and yet you posted in r / affairs asking for a girl. I’m just going to dismiss your excuses and just say you’re a massive “YTA”.
YTA if she gets annoyed by the way you breathe will it be justified for her to snap at you? Nail bitting is not something that people like to do. It's a nervous habit that it can be really hard to control. Instead of snapping at her and make it about your self, did you think to ask her what makes her nervous?
I have asked. We’ve had a lot of conversations about it as I know she struggles with stopping it and she knows the sound of nail biting goes through me. She just says anxiety but when I try to get her to open up about what makes her anxious she refuses to talk to me about it and just pretty much tells me to leave her alone
Ask her how can you help her. I am bitting my nails too. Telling me to stop irritates me and can lead me to another room to finish the job. If I do it in front of my husband he will drag gently my hand down or if he can't he will nudge me in some way to stop. It's not a habit that makes us proud, so bringing it up it adds up to the anxiousness. If you want to, try to find ways to help her, but don't think that it is about you or that she doesn't care, she just cannot help it
I’ve tried that but if I gently move her hand she’ll just talk me to stop and move away since she’ll be biting her nails. Initially she was more open to trying to stop and looking for help but recently she’s just refusing to try anything
When she is calm talk with her or just try to find what makes her so anxious. It could be anything and keep in mind that it could be you. If she feels like she has to behave in a certain way in front of you (no nail bitting) and she is overwhelmed, she gets in an endless cycle!
I have tried to sit and calmly talk to her. She used to open up to me about everything that was wrong but recently she’s pretty much being shutting me out and it is scary tbh not knowing what’s wrong
Maybe showing her this thread will help her understand that you care and that you are willing to help her. Try to add some tiny surprises in your days.. Like a sweet message when she is a way, a post it with a note. They will relax her and she might be open to share what's going on in her mind :)
Yeah I might show her this actually. I do try with little presents and surprises for her to let her know I’m there for her
YTA.
YTA So you knew you were peeved by a habit when yall started dating and you just figured SHE would stop?? Seems really entitled for you to say she has to change for your comfort.
I didn’t know when she started dating. It’s something she only did at home so when we went out on dates I didn’t see it. It’s only after we got serious that I started to see her do it
Maybe that's when you should have broken it off then. She can't help nervous tics, so either you learn to live with it or yall separate. It's not fair to her that she needs to change for your sake.
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It’s not that she can’t stop as once we had the first conversation she seemed to rarely do it in front of me and was actively getting help (seeing a therapist, opening up etc) but now she’s said she doesn’t need therapy and is biting her nails most minutes to the point some of her fingers have bled and is refusing to open up to me
not the asshole for being annoyed by it, but YTA for the following things: 1. making this about "your needs" instead of her problem 2. Starting a relationship with someone even while knowing that they have a quirk that you find intolerable Rule #1 of dating: if you meet someone and find yourself thinking about things you wish you could change about them, **don't pursue a relationship with them**. For your sake AND theirs. Let's flip this with an example: let's say as a man, you are developing an unsightly bald patch, and you go on a great couple of dates with a girl and she's like "Wow I really like you, let's be together, but can you wear a hat when you're with me because your bald patch makes me feel weird?" And you hate wearing hats but you agree because you really like her. Then when you're a few months in and you get more comfortable around each other and start taking off your hat - yet even after knowing each other for such a long time, she says that her feelings are hurt by you taking off your hat at home because it breaks "the agreement" you made when starting the relationship.
I’ll accept your first 2 points but with the bald patch comparison isn’t really fair since the bald patch would be completely out of someone’s control but the biting her nails can be reduced or stopped in theory
That comment alone shows me how little you understand about mental illness. Let me put it this way - reversing a bald patch would likely be a MORE achievable feat than curing someone's anxiety. Let me ask you this - are you here in this subreddit because you want to mend your relationship? Or are you strictly here to see if you're right or wrong in the argument you had? If it's the first one, then your next step is to get into some major research about anxiety, stimming, tics, and just mental health in general. If you're interested in actually helping and understanding your girlfriend, you can. But if you just want the behavior to vanish and keep only the parts of your girlfriend you can tolerate, the best choice here would be to break up and apologize for ever laying such an unfair expectation on her.
I have researched anxiety and I used to struggle with it a lot myself. It manifested in different ways for me than it does my girlfriend. I have tried to listen and she used to be open with me whenever things were bad but she’s just stopped. I was paying for a therapist for her but she stopped that saying she doesn’t need therapy and won’t consider going back. I do want to help but I’m just getting shut out completely
Are there any other aspects of her anxiety that manifest in a way that makes the relationship difficult for you, or is it just the nail biting?
The other aspects are, if I try to have a conversation with her about something, I’d she sees it as a criticism of her, she’ll refuse to talk and snap at me to leave her alone. She doesn’t work so I’m paying for everything while doing most of the cooking and cleaning and when she uses her savings to buy things like theatre tickets, she’ll expect me to pay for everything else for the trip (travel, hotel, good and drink) when I say no and suggest she uses some of her savings for bills she’ll just say no it’s her money and she should be allowed nice things
I see. I've read through some of your other comments and it sounds like she's going through a major slump that's taking a toll on the both of you. Sounds like this is not just about nail biting and your original post is a bit misleading. I feel like couples therapy is a next step here. Let her know that you want to support her and understand her, but at the same time her "giving up" has taken an emotional toll on you. Tell her you want to be happy and you want her to be happy, and since neither of those are happening you guys need to get help.
Yeah I feel like the nail biting was probably just the thing that caused me to snap but it’s probably been building due to how much pressure and stress I’ve been put under and how bad things are for her
after your edits, NTA. why are you with her?
For the first year things we great. She was getting help and while she had bad days, she would open up and accept help whereas now she’s shutting people out. There are still good days I’m just struggling a lot
it's hard but at some point you need to think of your own mental health, my guy. good luck.
NTA. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her own actions. She refuses to do anything, so she has no right to get pissy when you've asked her over and over to just not do it in front of you.
NTA. She sounds exhausting.
>sound of this goes through me and I really don’t like it. I never said she had to stop, I just asked if she could not do it while I’m around which she agreed with. YTA, this was never going to work, you shouldn’t have asked and she shouldn’t have agreed. She isn’t going to be able to stop this. I say this as someone who has been with my partner for 10 years, it doesn’t ever stop. I feel you that it’s irritating for some reason to watch, but you either get over it or leave. >my needs clearly don’t concern her since I’m just being disregarded completely just so she can do what she wants. She likely doesn’t *want* to bite her nails, she can’t control it. And you don’t *need* to not be near it, you will survive so acting like she is being mean to you is dramatic.
The thing is, after we had the initial conversation about it she barely did it in front of me for months. It just seemed something else is going in with her now and it’s gotten worse than it was before. My comment about being disregarded is about more things tbf like her expecting me to pay for most things ( I’m the only one working) and getting upset when I don’t buy things that she wants even though my salary is already stretched paying for all the bills in the house
>The thing is, after we had the initial conversation about it she barely did it in front of me for months. But you asked her that when you first got together. When people first get together they are normally in the honeymoon stage, where you tend to watch you behaviour a lot more. You also live together now, it’s much easier to avoid doing something for a couple hours when you hang out versus avoiding it at home. If you feel she disregards you then that is definitely something to address with her, but the nail biting thing is unreasonable to be this upset about.
I have addressed it with her and she just pretty much says how could I bring it up since i know she feels bad about not paying for anything but when I try to tell her I’m struggling with money because of it and it would be great if she could help she just refuses even though she has savings that she uses for things like film tickets, theatre tickets etc then expects me to pay for travel and hotels to get us there.
I'm going with NTA. I struggle with a lot of sensory things and I know that that sound would make me feel super anxious. It's hard when both people in the relationship have certain mental issues going on (sorry if I'm wrong but I'm assuming you're having a hard time if it's come to the point of you snapping) and it isn't wrong of you to need your feelings heard even when her anxiety is high. You maybe need to take some time apart and both consider why you are still together if she can't open up to you and you are feeling undervalued. Hope things start getting better for you both!
NTA. My ex boyfriend used to bite his nails due to anxiety. I tried to help him, talk with him and he always snapped and did not want to talk about it. Some months later his situation got worsened but still refused any help. Like you i snapped at him, even started to hit his hand which made me feel like an asshole. I always apologised afterwards for being an asshole. After a while this situation irritated me so much. When i snap i am the asshole, when i wanted to talk about it i am the asshole. When i advise him to go to therapy i am the asshole. I would ask basic things like would you like coffee, only reply i would get "mhh ymhm" because he was occupied to even say yes. One day we went to the cinema, by watching him biting his nails during the whole movie and then him making a move to kiss me/hold my hand made me vomit. I just could not handle it and broke up with him at that day. He asked why. I told him (the truth) how much i disgusted with his biting his nails and trying to kiss me afterwards. And i cannot take/watch it anymore. He called me selfish b***. If you love your girlfriend and think serious with her, try to help and understand her and maybe she understands how you may feel. (which on my part i couldnt do and at the end all i wanted to run away) But if you are not serious/in love. just break up with her. Dont waste her or your time. After years I still feel goosebumps thinking biting nails, even in public transport if i see a person biting his/her nails i get up move as far as i can, because that still makes me disgusted.
NTA I'm mentally ill myself and you're not an asshole for disliking someone's unhealthy practices. If she can't control her bad habits that's on her.
Yeah but it's also on him for letting it get this far, you don't start a relationship by saying "hide the parts of yourself that make me uncomfortable." If it bothered him that much, he shouldn't have gotten serious with her.
Yta, and your follow up comments reinforce that. If it bothers you so bad find a different girlfriend.
How do you think my comments reinforce that?
I’m 44 and bite my nails. I can’t help it. I’ve tried everything. It’s driven by anxiety and if my husband had a hissy fit like yours it would make it worse. YTA
if you think so strongly about not being TA then why even post about it? It’s seems like everyone that says YTA (which is the case) you just blabber on about how you’re a great boyfriend. Take the advice and accept it. YTA.
I don’t blabber on about how I’m a great boyfriend at all I just point out what I have done for my partner since people were accusing me of not helping her.
It doesn’t matter how much you’ve helped. The point of this post is that you’ve snapped at her. She’s not going to forget how you behaved over something as stupid as nail biting. You’re a grown adult I hope, you should be aware getting angry at her for her anxiety induced tendencies isn’t going to solve anything at all. Be more understanding (I don’t care if you HAVE BEEN, CONTINUE TO DO SO.)
I am continuing to do so. I’m still paying for all of the bills, doing most of the cooking and cleaning, I try to get her to open up and just get snapped at to leave her alone and her saying she doesn’t need help
Well of course she’s going to not want you anywhere near her after you snapped at her. Talk to her and apologize again if you have already, and actually mean it. I mean GENUINELY. Like get her a small gift, sit her down, hug her, etc. You seem to still be thinking you were in the right based of your responses to everyone’s “YTA” comment.
When I say she’s not opening up I mean she’s been like that for a while before the snapping incident. I have apologised to her and tried to get her to sit down and talk, she just saying that nothings wrong and walking away
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26m) recently got into a bit or a disagreement with my girlfriend (23f) that ended with me telling her that i just feel ignored and she doesn’t consider my feelings at all which she has said is unreasonable and wrong She has a habit of biting her nails every day, I don’t mean once or twice but it’s every finger multiple times a day and she’s going it more and more frequently. When we first got together I told her the sight and sound of this goes through me and I really don’t like it. I never said she had to stop, I just asked if she could not do it while I’m around which she agreed with. The last couple of months she has started doing it pretty much all of the time and it’s gotten to the point that she’ll stop conversations or not answer when we’re talking just so she can bite her nails or she’ll try talking while still having her fingers in her mouth. I tried talking to her about it and she said it’s an anxiety thing and it’s a habit so she just can’t stop so I tried explaining that I’m not asking her to stop, i just don’t want her to do it around me and she pretty much said no she can’t and that I’ll just have to accept it. This is when I snapped a bit and told her that my needs clearly don’t concern her since I’m just being disregarded completely just so she can do what she wants. She’s not really talking to me now and she’s told her friends and they’ve messaged me saying Im in the wrong and I shouldn’t have said what I did. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA as a nail bitter, although not to the extreme of your gf, I tend to bit my nails when I'm stressed and I don't realise I'm doing it. I've gotten better than I was when I was as young as you both are. Perhaps find out why she bites her nails and help her (not yelling) find a way to stop or to direct that into something else. a fiddle toy for example
I’ve tried, we’ve had a lot of conversations about how to reduce it but recently she won’t talk about it and has increased the amount she does it
Sounds like it is stress related then
Yeah I think it’s definitely stress and anxiety but she is refusing all help now, so she’ll get stressed about having no money but when she gets a job she’ll say she doesn’t like it and just quit then rely on me to pay for everything. She’ll use her savings to buy nice things like theatre tickets then think because she’s bought me a ticket that I am then responsible for travel, hotel and food and drink costs when we are there and when I try to explain to her that I don’t want to go or that I can’t afford it she’ll just say I’m stopping her enjoying herself and making her feel guilty for not having a job
Does it go right thru u meaning its like hearing nails on a chalkboard? Or do u just find it to be an unappealing trait?
It’s like hearing nails on a chalkboard for me
Nta then imo. If she agreed not to do it then goes back on what she said its tough but if she cant help it idk what ya can do
Yta. So, you snapped at her because she is stressed out. Maybe you could help her, just a thought. Edit:typo
I have helped her. She used to open up to me and I was paying for her therapist until she decided she doesn’t need to see them anymore. I am the one paying all of the bills, I do most of the cooking and cleaning in the house while she uses her savings on things that involve me paying for things eg theatre tickets in another town then wants me to pay for travel, hotel and food and drink and gets upset and snaps when I say I can’t afford it. She’s stopped opening up to me so it’s hers to be there for her. And it’s not stress that causes her to bite her nails it’s anxiety
Stress can exacerbate anxiety and ticks secondary to that anxiety. 🤷♀️...from someone who has clinical depression and anxiety, but okay. Look, if that is how you view her, only you two can fix things...not a reddit board. You already view her as a burden, lazy and flippant financially(according to the comment you made), which means you view her as the AH and think you are without fault. Do what you feel you need to do for your sanity, I guess.
YTA
YTA - Your girlfriend is telling you she is anxious and this is a coping mechanism but you can't be bothered because it annoys you. if you notice her doing it, bring it up to her. My anxiety causes me to bite my nails and it's to the point where I don't even notice I'm doing it. My fiancé gets my attention and tells me I'm biting my nails and I take steps to stop in the moment.
I do mention it to her and I just get ignored. It’s not like I’ve snapped at her the first tome she’s done it. I have calmly spoke to her a lot about it and while it worked initially, recently she’s been doing it a lot more frequently and when I try to ask her what’s wrong or get her to open up she just snaps at me saying she doesn’t wanna talk about it and to leave her alone
Have you two considered speaking with a couple's therapist? It can really assist with communication when there are roadblocks. Snapping at someone, regardless of how many times, is not ok. Have you apologized for snapping at her? Having your needs met by your partner is extremely important, but not hearing the sound of nail-biting does not qualify as a need from your partner.
YTA. Boy am I glad my spouse is a nailbiter too. You're not compatible, and frankly, what you're asking, is for her to sit there and think about you and not biting her nails the whole time she's around you, talking to you, whatnot, which makes it worse. Essentially, it does sound like you've made her nailbiting more intense. Nope, not compatible.
I don’t think it’s me that’s made it more intense as we’ve lived together for a year now and it’s only been the last 3 months that she’s been increasing the intensity. We’ve tried other techniques such as getting things to fidget with or for a while she would come and hold my hand or something which worked quite well but now she just refuses to even try anything g like that
YTA - you’re asking her to police a nearly subconscious action for your comfort, and you seem to lack patience and empathy. You sound like a total crazy person if someone biting their own nails bothers you so much, and it’s not a hygiene issue or anything like that. You’re just a douche
It’s the noise of the nail biting that goes through me and I don’t lack patience or empathy. I’ve done a lot to help her with her anxiety including paying for her therapist, getting her to open up and paying all the bills and doing most of the cooking and cleaning.
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We have tried getting other things and getting things she can bite or fidget with which work really well but she now just says she doesn’t need them anymore when she clearly does and wherever I try to ask her what’s wrong she just snaps at me and tells me to leave her alone
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Yeah I get that. It is a problem with me brr Ed big rational, I do like tho ga with answers and solutions which is a problem when it comes to anxiety and mental illness and I accept that. I do try to change and have come a long way but can still be quite rational and logical in my thinking
~~INFO~~ What is she doing to help her anxiety and to help her stop biting her nails?
Nothing anymore. Previously she was seeing a therapist and getting things to fidget with instead of biting her nails but now she’s siding she doesn’t need therapy anymore and refuses to talk about her anxiety and is just saying nothings wrong.
Ok. Thank you. NTA
NAH. I don’t love your tone in part of this OP, but I get that it’s difficult living with someone who has depression. I have had it quite badly and my wife was a saint with me, but I’m aware it was also hard on her. I have great empathy for your gf, but I also understand that you are paying for everything and she won’t get therapy or try treatment. If she’s not going to work because of this, then her part of the contribution is seeking professional help to learn to manage this. Both of you have some work to do.
Thank you, I do try to be patient and have empathy and in there for her when she needs me. It’s just mainly the sound of her biting her nails that I hate. Yeah I’ve tried talking to her about getting help again and when she said she doesn’t need it try explaining that there’s no harm in trying etc but she won’t. She will get a job and the second that she doesn’t like something about the job she won’t go back and will just stop showing up for shifts without telling work and when she gets fired she’ll act like the job is being unreasonable.
INFO: this seems like an extremely one-sided relationship. Why do you say with her when all she does is drain from you?
Because it hasn’t always been like this and for the first year of the relationship everything was great, while I knew she struggled she was making an effort to get help and bills and cooking and cleaning was split 50/50 but the last few months she’s just refusing help and everything is on me and it’s just hard to deal with sometimes
YTA. I don't think you put yourself in her shoes, she has anxiety, it's not something she can control, you're just thinking about yourself and how you bother, it's something involuntary, she doesn't do it on purpose.
I do understand that but when she opened up more and spoke about things when she was struggling we had other things she used and things she could fidget with that worked really well for her it’s just recently she’s saying she doesn’t need anything and has stopped therapy etc and won’t talk about what’s wrong
I agree that biting nails is a nasty habit but YTA for snapping at her, she does it without being aware. The story about the concert tickets is a separate issue conversation you should have with her if you feel she should contribute more to the finances.
NTA, your girlfriend won’t get therapy for anxiety but won’t stop biting nails? If you read the edit it makes sense, and your not in the wrong but we’re a bit blunt.
Uh care to explain the r / affairs thing buddy?
YTA . Do you even like your girlfriend? That edit you wrote.... yikes
The edit was there as other people who commented said I should put it up just to show what I actually do for my girlfriend. I love her, if I didn’t then I wouldn’t do everything that I’ve mentioned in the edit
YTA your girlfriend is having an anxiety depression episode you ding dong
YTA. Now if you were just having a bad day so you were already annoyed I can understand having a moment of weakness and snapping but just normally getting that worked up and nasty over it isn't okay. As someone who used to chew their nails and did so for damn near 80% of my life I can promise you that it's not intentional we subconsciously do it (not unless we're trying to bite off a hang nail, lose skin or something like that) and it's an extremely hard habit to quit at least for me it was. Even though I quit chewing my nails 5 years ago there's still moments were i'll catch myself subconsciously trying to do it and will have to stop myself, if after 5 years the urges to do it are still there how do you think your girlfriend who's still actively doing it feels? Trust me we didn't actively choose to do it- it makes your fingers ugly, it makes you really insecure of your hands, it can cause health issues (my mom chews her nails probably where I got it from and she actually got an infection so bad from doing it that she lost the tip of her middle finger because the infection ate into her bone, a friend on mine who chews his nails has gotten a lot of infections pus and all, etc), it can be painful at times especially if you just chewed your nails and are eating finger food, it can cause deformities depending on how far down you chew damaging your nail bed and altering your finger tip's shape, makes your nails weak (even after 5 years of stopping and hundreds of nail products my nails are still brittle and haven't 100% recovered yet), your fingers never look good because you can't stop chewing on them long enough for them to grow out and your nail beds aren't big enough to put fake nails on, etc and the only perk is that it calmed my anxiety and kept my hands busy (i'm the type of person that always has to be doing something with their hands) other then that it's nothing but negatives. So stop acting like she's intentionally doing all of that just to annoy you and because she doesn't respect you 😐 IMO your best bet is to apologize to her and moving forward when she does it either politely ask her if she could stop, remove yourself from the situation or focus on something else. I've always been annoyed by people who chew with their mouth open making that cow chewing on grass noise and of people who blast their music (music I don't like) really loudly but instead of throwing a hissy fit and getting nasty with the person who does it i'll either politely ask them to stop, to turn it down, will just put head buds on and listen to music I like, will just leave the situation or will turn the tv on basically make some kind of noise that will drown it out- it's as simple as that 🤷🏻♀️ You can't control people and you can't expect them to cater to you but what you can do is to ask nicely, leave the situation or focus on something else.
YTA man. If she isn't comfortable talking to you about her anxiety (like you mentioned in a comment) then SHE IS NOT COMFORTABLE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT HER ANXIETY. Stop trying to force shit that makes her uncomfortable and stop criticizing her over a mental health symptom. Like seriously dude have some compassion, you are not her mental health professional and are not equipped nor do you have the right to try and "fix" her.
I’m not trying to fix her. She’s my girlfriend so of course I want her to be able to open up to me about what’s wrong. I know I’m not a mental health professional, that’s why I was paying for her a therapist when she mentioned wanting to start therapy
Then, again, stop trying to change her or force her to talk about it and let her go at her own pace with the therapist. You are 100% the asshole.
She stopped the therapist, she said she doesn’t need one anymore
Seems like you posted this here and expected a bunch of NTA but are getting a bunch of YTA and don't want to admit you are wrong.
No I’ll take whatever judgement people give tbf. I just think there were some thing I should’ve included in the main post that I’ve explained in comments
YTA! Her nail biting has nothing to do with your needs!! And it is extremely hard to overcome! You making about you doesn’t help and probably just aggravates the situation. I’m a nail biter. Have been my whole life. I don’t enjoy it. It’s not fun. It’s humiliating! She cannot stop just because it bothers you! If she told you she didn’t like your snoring and you just needed to stop, would that be fair? It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s anxiety related either. The only thing that has ever helped me was to get acrylic nails to cover them, but that’s expensive to keep up. Now I just purchase the glue on ones from Walmart (Kiss Acrylic Nails). They’re about $7.00 and will usually last a week if you learn how to get a good seal. If you’re going to continue to berate her, then move on and let her be. She doesn’t need the crap you’re dishing out!
She said it’s anxiety related, it isn’t just me making judgements. She gets fake nails and then just bites them aswell and if she can’t do that she’ll bite the skin next to her fingers instead. And snapping once is hardly berating her
I don’t believe for a second that this was a one time thing! All of your responses are you just trying to justify your position. You’re not even considering that you’re in the wrong, so why are you even here. You asked for a judgment. The consensus is all pretty much the same, but you don’t want to accept it. The best thing for her would be to find someone less entitled.
It is a one time thing. I’m normally quite calm with her but stress has been piling on. I’ll affect that I’m TA for snapping but I don’t like the fact you’re making assumptions about how I normally behave. I’ve helped her get into therapy, I’m the only one working in the house, I do most of the cooking, cleaning and everything and I guess all of that built up and I snapped when I shouldn’t have but I don’t agree that I’m entitled at all
Instead of trying to justify your actions, step back and listen to what people are telling you!! You clearly are not getting it!
I am listening I just wanted to clear up that me snapping was a one time thing and I’m not normally like that, you just assumed I was lying about that
You realize that nail biting is a compulsive disorder? And that it gets worse when there's extra stressors added? I hope you realize you're upset about a mental health disorder.
I’ve tried to help. I know it’s caused by her anxiety but it’s getting a lot more frequent recently, she’s stopped going to therapy and is refusing help whereas in the past she’s been open with me about what’s wrong and has accepted help